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seyvetch · 2 years

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I will never forgive current government for destroying all my dreams for better Russia I doubt anyone will forget this war in the next 50 years

I still dont even get why it happened. The political and economic drawbacks which are obviously would happen concidering all the sanctions Russia got before the war for doing less in Ukraine are much more than any gain I can imagine. Brainwashing and lying to your population and especially the army they are sending to kill and die about why youre doing this especially makes this shitty. So many people believed trully that they were going to help people of Ukraine or something along those lines or didnt even know they were going to war. This is sick. So many people were killed who wanted to protect their home by people who blieved they were liberating them... For what?? A bit of land? To make our enemies fear us again? They made so many people die only to make their own sitizens suffer as well.

I thought about suicide more times since the war started than in total in last year or so before it bc I was so fearful that I might be drafted which fun fact I can be during war even tho Im technically not viable due to my mental state being a wreck and also being so depressed about this situation. First came economic sanctions then I realised just how much itll affect every citizen when such mondane things as microtransactions in Warframe - a game which I was relying on for like half a year to keep myself sane were not working since almost every way of payment wasnt working in Russia. I realised just how much of an impact to the Russian economy it was. Then almost a full out fucking war came on Russian culture and history (much of which is shared by other slavic nations btw) came. Ive been trying to share it for years bc of how good and underapriciated it was and then bc of actions of current government shit like redacting the name of THE FIRST MAN IN SPACE came. Then Warframe's developer company Digital Extremes or DE for short decided themselves that players from Russia and Belarus wont be able to do microtransactions. I cant convey how devistated I was from a thing that any other "normal" person would just be annoyed at. This game was almost all I was thinking about for months, it helped me not to go too insane or depressed for about half a year as I mentioned earlier, I was dependant on it to be happy at the time. I felt like I was stabbed in my back. I spent most of my savings on this game which wasnt a lot but still. And then at my lowest point at the time, already crushed by the current situation a punshiment for a crime someone else commited, a crime I was against and had no choice in came on me and many other faithful players in my shoes. It just kinda broke me. To my brain by doing something like this it was almost like saying I am responsible afterall punishment should ony come to guily. It didnt help that many people in the games community suppported this decision. I felt like I was going insane like the world was crumbling around me. And I couldnt even bring myself to play a game I relied on for moral support for so long.

Well this is the situation from my point of view. I wish that I was in the worst situation that came out of this shitshow bc I cant bring myself to imagine anyone dealing with something worse. And people do have it worse than me bc of what my government did. I wish I could strangle every single one of people who approved of this in the government myself. But even if I did that the situation wouldnt change. Even if I do feel guilty for feeling bad and venting about this in this situation I hate people who told me to "put things into perspective" bc my suffering was less than sufffering of others. An analogy comes to mind when people say that. A person is strapped to a seat in the back of a car and cant escape, the driver of the car is speeding up to ram into another car despite your protests. The driver than rams into another car killing and injuring people inside while you get less injured bc you were in the backseat. Does that mean that you should be prosecuted for murder as well just for being in the cat that was rammed intentionally into anther car causing death? Or that your injuries shouldnt be treated on the same principle and bc other people have it worse?

I recognise the nessecety of some of the actions but I am outraged just how far people are taking it in "protest of Russia's current actions". Whyd my german friend's bike tires were slashed several times just because he was born in Russia even if he moved to Germany long before he turned 18? Why are exhibits in museums that are Russian are being rid off? Why was the name of Юрий Гагарин, the first human in space was redacted in official documents during some large confirence??? Even thought he died long before Putin became president.

I feel a bit better after venting thanks for reading if you did read it.

#vent

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just-a-fangirl13 · 4 years

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Thoughts & Theories about MacGyver 5x10 [MacRiley]

HOLY SHIT!

This episode was absolutely INSANE. Im writing out my thoughts once and for all because I need to stop thinking about everything that happened (I highly doubt I will be able to but here's to trying)

SPOILERS FOR 5x10 OFCOURSE

Straight off the bat, I was screaming *internally* and yelling at Mac when he showed the diamond to Bozer. I suspected it yesterday when we got the snippet of Murdoc saying the words DIAMOND and RING with extra emphasis..(everyone on twitter said I was jumping to conclusions.. I thought so too honestly) But damn I did NOT expect them to actually do that!

Now here's why I am not mad about it anymore. [this is my interpretation you are free to disagree]

Firstly, when Mac told Bozer he was going to propose he didnt say I’m doing it because I love Desi or I want to spend the rest of our lives together or because she’s the one (doesn't mean he doesnt care for her ofcourse)

He said “Ever since I lost my dad & Jack, I have been thinking about the bigger picture and a commitment to make things work is exactly what Desi and I need right now. A grand romantic gesture.” He wanted to propose for stability so he could finally be on the same page with her. They never really defined their relationship before and this was a way for Mac to final bring it together. A grand romantic gesture is usually something people use to win their partners back which is what Mac was trying to do I guess. It almost sounds like he has to do it so he doesn't lose her again

(ill get to my second reason in the end)

Then ofcourse Bozer tells Riley about it so she can be prepared. Bozer is such a good friend. He is supportive of Mac AND wants to protect Riley. I love him for it! He really is doing everything to be the best friend he can to both of them. (Leannas death was so painful and I just want to hug him but thankfully Riley had that covered.)

Next we get the BIG REVEAL. The moment all of us had been waiting for.

The moment that SHOOK Angus MacGyver and CHANGED EVERYTHING!

Rileys Feelings!

“You want me to say it out loud? Fine. Yes I had feelings for Mac. There I said it. and yeah watching him and Desi together was breaking my heart so I moved out of his house. I should have said something to him a long time ago but I didn’t and now its over. ”

I had the opposite of a HEART ATTACK! (my heart rate was through THE ROOF!)

I have to say they really really outdid themselves on this reveal.

SIDE NOTE: If anyone comes for Riley and tries to call her a slut or a home wrecker? You will have me to deal with. Even after Murdoc played the clip of her confession she still tried to deny it and brush it off so it wouldn't complicate things for Mac and Desi. If Riley had wanted, she could have easily told Mac this to his face while he was dating Desi and then let things happen from there but she DIDNT. She kept that secret buried so deep she herself was in denial.

(also if anyone calls Mac a player or anything like that.. I will end you. He is doing his best to deal with everything that has happened to him and people keep giving him shit for it....)

Anyways, we see Mac’s expression & he is just confused and shocked and clearly not trying to think about it because it changed EVERYTHING for him.

[Murdoc saying I THINK IM ON TEAM RILEY was a HUGE HIGHLIGHT for me! I love him so damn much!]

Desi took it really well too actually. If they keep going down this road of growth and maturity for her I think I could actually like her again. (Russ too when he apologised to Bozer)

She didnt throw a hissy fit or say I knew it or look at Riley like she was the villain. She focused on the mission & I respect her for that.

(Riley does say, “the next thing you are going to hear on that recording-” and then gets cut off by Desi.. If this will come into play at some point later on or if it was just her trying to explain herself, remains to be seen.)

Then after the climax, we finally hear Riley say the words to Mac in real time and we get our FIRST MacRiley hug of the season!

At this point I thought they would agree to be friends and make the friendzone thing clear BUT NOPE. (you have no idea how happy I am about it not going down like that!)

I was also a puddle on the floor. SO

“Mac look-”

“You don’t have to say anything if you dont want to. Really.”

“I want to. Last year in Germany. I realised I was starting to have feelings for you. Real feelings. I didnt want to make anything weird between you and Desi. I didnt want to mess up our work or our friendship so I decided to bury it. Until the feelings passed.”

“Emotions aren’t a science. You can’t control them.”

Gosh they are so perfect together! The way they look at each other and the HUG! OH MY GOD THE HUG! Its just perfection.

Now we also see this from Desi’s POV. Again no anger or jealousy from her. I think it was an understanding. She realised that she and Mac were never going to work.. maybe a little pain but honestly everything that went down with her and Mac was her fault too. The lack of trust and understanding was always a problem for them. Sure, things were going well but she didnt seem like she was ready for a commitment if im being honest. If Mac had proposed I think Desi would have said no.(again nothing wrong with that)

She didnt want to label their relationship..they haven't said the words I love you to each other and I dont think they even live together. It really was way too sudden.(these are just things im assuming people define how well a relationship is going by.. I have no experience.)

Then ofcourse we have what im calling the goodbye scene. Its the break up before the break up in my opinion.

Desi tells Mac that they should pretend the last 24 hours never happened (that might actually include Mac wanting to propose but make of it what you will..) and that they should have a clean slate. But its very clear from Mac’s face and Desi sees it too that he isnt 100% onboard with it. He cant forget about it.

Which is when Desi says “Look Mac just do whatever you feel is right” and Mac looks confused.

She then gives him a goodbye kiss.

Look if you have ever watched any show/movie before where the characters are saying goodbye to each other or breaking each others hearts...THERE IS ALWAYS A KISS ON THE CHEEK. A final farewell of sorts.

That is what it seemed like to me. It was Desi telling Mac to do what he has to. Even if it inevitably leads to their break up.

Again real emotional maturity from Desi here!

Then we get the scene, Monica Macer (the show runner) tweeted about back in December.

Mac knocking on someones door. If im being honest? I thought it was Desi’s place and he was going to propose...

BUT it turned out to be Riley’s.

Mac clearly hasn't stopped thinking about what happened. I wouldnt either if my best friend who has put her life on the line for me and trusts me 100%, now has feelings for me? That would turn my world upside down too.

especially if I had feelings for her that I buried so deep that I never acknowledged them.

Also this is my scenario for how their first kiss goes down just FYI.. (Mac showing up at Rileys doorstep and finally confessing his feelings and kissing her *probably won't happen that way now though, but I still love it*)

Mac hesitates for a second before finally knocking on her door.

“Mac? Everything okay?”

“I can’t pretend like the last 24 hours didnt just happen. They did. So I gotta ask. Did it work?”

“Did what work?”

“Hiding your emotions and letting it pass. Did they go away?”

and I proceeded to pass out. My brain just checked out...

Now initially in all my freaking out I thought Mac was asking Riley about his feelings. If HE buried them deep enough would he still be able to move on with Desi but then I rewatched it and I realised he was asking RILEY if her feelings were still there, if there was still a possibility of something ever happening.

She never told him its all good now! my feelings are gone and it was a long time ago. She told him she buried it but he needed to know if a future with Riley was something tangible.

BASICALLY ANGUS MACGYVER ASKED RILEY DAVIS IF SHE WAS STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM. *I think I need to go to a hospital now*

So this was my second reason for not being annoyed about the proposal. The writers used it to show what a huge impact it would have on Mac. How much Rileys feelings would actually mean to him. the GAME CHANGER it would be.

A friend of mine said it was kinda funny and a little jarring but I liked it. (I could have done without the proposal) But I understand why they did it. They couldnt have Mac and Desi break up the same day Riley’s feelings came out because then people would hate Mac. They had to make him want to take the next step with Desi but then drop a bomb on him, that would make him question everything.

Again this is what I took away from it.

BUT GOSH WAS THIS EPISODE AMAZING!

I do get that some people are not happy with this and some said it was too sudden *not like we’ve been waiting since season 1 or anything* but I think after 5x11 things will slow down again. Mac may break up with Desi only at the end of the season when he finally comes to terms with his feelings. (Some people are still cautious and I get it but after everything that just happened I find it hard to believe that Mac and Riley won't end up together after all.. not to mention the leaked script conversation between Mac and Riley from 5x15)

Now I dont know how the final scene ends.. they definitely dont get called away for their solo mission immediately after because Mac’s cheek injury is relatively healed in this stills, which means Riley does answer Mac’s question. She may try to avoid it or deflect but he is standing right there so...who knows.

Next weeks episode is a MacRIley solo mission and lets just say things definitely are heating up a bit..*wink wink*

YUP IM HYPED.

BRING ON THE SEXUAL TENSION AND THE ANGST!

#MacGyver #Angus MacGyver #riley davis #macriley #mac x riley #macriley is endgame #macgyver 510 #murdoc

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koishua · 3 years

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I am not great at theorizing but I would love to hear about your favorite characters from atla!

oh my, i am SO down for this. let me take a look, okay

i wont rank them or anything bc i love them all, but my top five would be uncle iroh, sokka, toph, suki, and azula.

UNCLE IROH. is the story's source of lesson and of wisdom. he is such an icon and he is loved by all istg he is the best man ever i love him so much i wish i was related to him as a niece like zuko or something. he truly is so wise and kind against all.

he is one of a kind, he was such a gem and held a strong view of what was wrong and what was right. i think people underestimate how great of a bender he is, tho. he was a member of the order of the lotus (eyyy the oldies but goldies gang basically lmao) aka the strongest people ever hello?? he represented the fire nation in that group and my GOd is he an amazing one.

he is different from most, because unlike other firebenders, his skills and abilities aren't directly derived from anger and fury. that's why he isn't as hot headed as regular firebenders and even teaches zuko about this (which works bc zuko is considerably calmer later in the series)

and then there is his legacy. mans beat an entire dragon in a battle of flames?? he breathes fire too so that's always the coolest thing ever and his diligence while working himself back to prepare for war in that prison absolutely took me out omg the way he strategizes??? explains why he was a general. he has a heart of gold unlike any.

SOKKA. now for him, i have the biggest amount of respect and adoration for. let's adress the elephant in the room here. he singlehandedly devised a ginormous plan to defeat am empire that has been raising tyranny for over a century. how fucking awsome can one get?? mr sexy brain amirite?

plus, he was completely skilless the first part of the series and his entire growth just blows me away every single time. sure, he had his little boomerang but that was it. after they created gaang tho, his potential was so fully exploited i cant even express how proud i am oml he was diamond in the rough.

he acted so brash and was the comedic relief character a lot of the times, so his subtle feats of intelligence didn't get noticed a lot, but oml the way i am down bad for him. his determination and desperation to become god at a skill is so enjoyable to watch like,,, the piandao episode where he learns how to wield a sword is one of my favorite episodes of all time!! anyways, this is getting alittle long so lets move on to....

TOPH BEIFONG. listen. lis-ten. thats my girl right there. i was eight when i first watched atla and she was twelve and the amount of confidence she instilled in little-me is just- *sobs* (also i realized that she is literlly the only character in this with an official lastname lmfao)

toph is forever going to remain as THAT icon. her mindset is as stable and stubborn as they go because of her earthbending lmao i love how self-assured she is. she is the definition of born into riches, growing to become greatness.

her heritage is not at all important to who she is as a character and most people even forget that she is insanely wealthy because she never mentions it. but anyway that is beside my point idk why i touched on this aspect. moving on!!

i feel like they portrayed her childish nature so well in this series like?? sure, she was the greatest earthbender of all time and still is, she was also a twelve year old tween lmao she was something else istg

and her sass, humor and just her entire attitude was so solid oml she was THAT bitch and i mean it in the most awed way possible. i can talk about her more but imma keep it short for this post's sake.

SUKI. my idol right here y'all. this is my og feminist queen right here. badass woman i love her so much. embodies courage, hard work and strength in oneself. man, kyoshi warriors are super awesome i literlly do not have any other words about her other than "woah"

obviously, she couldnt bend at all but growing up on kyoshi island, one made by avatar kyoshi herself by literally parting an entire section of land away to carry them back to make an island by spouting out lava hundreds of miles down the ocean floor is just???? but we aren't here to talk about the blood-thirsty woman rn-

she learned how to deal damage on benders who dared to attack their homeland and she is just- just- idk ugh she is so gorgeous too like?? forget about sokka please, come marry me instead i beg you ;-;

suki is so quick to react to danger and doesn't wait for anyone to save the day. she knows what she can do and she does her best to help ;-; im thinking about that once moment when toph fell into the ocean and suki was the first one to dive right in their to save her while everyone else was just literally standing there lmao even katara who could literally bend water

AZULA. now, this is where shit goes down. i lover her as a character that has been developed to show what a bad childhood environment could lead to in children who are particularly cunning and born a little sharper than others.

azula was a threat to all at the age of fifteen. fif-teen. she was a mastermind in countless incredible plans that overtake populations and she is so incredible quick-witted. perfectly evil for the sake of being evil, but also not at the same time.

the azula we last see in the agni kai between her and zuko, her own bilogical older brother whom she had tormented pretty much their entire life, was the product of accumulated trauma and pressure that she had been subject to ever since she had learned bending fire. blue fire.

she had shown from the start that she was gifted and strong and was on a league of her own compared to other kids. all of her childhood was spent garnering the approval of her father and grandfather who were toxic and evil and bad role models for her. anyone who grows up in bad environments are guaranteed to turn out messed up.

her mother preferred the softer zuko than her sadistic daughter and not receiving her mother's affection enough really showed its consequences in the last few episodes where you get to see her breaking down. she hallucinates about her mother and it was so heartbreaking to watch for me as a seventeen year old. i didn't really get the extent of her pschotic breakdown as an eight year old.

for heaven's sake, she was a devil. idk my thought are so scattered rn but i feel like i can make a post about her complicated character later when i gather my thoughts properly bahaha

tldr for azula: gifted child gone horribly wrong

anyhow, this was super fun omg

#“(?)” ⸻ letters from friend.#feyre × 🍂

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gooferdusted · 4 years

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hypothetically, if I were to write a fix-it/rewrite au fic, (thinking of starting at s5 but debating starting earlier) what are some storylines you’d take out/change, characters you’d save/kill, and specifically changes to sam’s character/arcs you’d like bc i need ideas

ok. ok. I'm gonna try to not go completely off the fucking rails while I write this up but I gotchu (also these r all just my own hot n spicy takes so like. pick what u like, it's all goodie goodie)

• no time passing differently in hell. literally four months is ~Enough!~ a year is enougghh!!!!!! like I get that they wanted to make hell this horrible unreachable thing but u can still like... get that across without having it be this unfathomable chunk of time out of a persons life. like sam was down there with TWO very pissed off angel's for 180 years??? how can he still speak english??? how does dean remember ANYTHING about his old life when mentally more than half of it was spent being endlessly tortured until he finally cracked??? its just.... Too Much...

• ON that note, I feel like later on they never rlly had sam and dean bond over the fact that like... they are genuinely the ONLY two people on earth who have survived actual hell. I mean we got that one off line from dean at some point but??

• no chuck as god. just a greasy greasy rat man getting insane stories projected into his brain. and on the topic of that.... I dont like the reflection of the real life fanbase in the spn universe??? they're pulp fiction novels, it should be all like 50 year old + ladies who picked them up at the local bargain bin, not b*cky r*sen

• I like... WANNA say smth abt s4..... bc I think the way that they handled things were a little out of character BUT I also think that was lind of the point??? like the angels and demons were manipulating them to say/do things they would normally never say/do to eachother to drive a big enough wedge between then that they would eventually say yes to being the vessels. like it hurts to watch sooo much but it did drive the plot forward in a very particular way that probably couldnt have happened otherwise. that being said, when the levee breaks makes me sad, and I dont want to see sam crying for his dead mother alone in a basement! cest la vie.

• sam and dean.... are Friends...,, why did we all forget that..... watch hell house and maybe I'll calm down.....

• PSYCHIC SAM!!!!!! you all know me. you know how I feel about psychic sam... robbed. s4 finale rlly had sam like "drinking that much demon blood has truly changed me forever..... theres no going back now...... 😔😔" like ok. ok. where are your superpowers. where are they.

• I wish some of the other special children had made it out :(( I really liked andy and ava (also sam finding other friend who are like him??? queer allegory??? spare queer allegory?????)

• I also dont think the roadhouse shouldve burned down!!! that shouldve been a Staple Location like Bobby's house. same w Missouri's, literally why did we only visit her once.

• ur sending an ask to my blog so I assume this is just a given for u but!!! we're takin away the misogyny. we're takin away the fetishization! anything that would be given the greenlight by joss whedon we are putting straight in the trash. <3

• this is mostly a thing in later seasons like. idk 9-15, but no ppl knowing who the winchesters are. they are NOBODIES. they pop up like little meerkats and fuck everything up beyond repair.

• also no fancy tech. no iphone 76z or whatever the fuck. sam has an ipod 1. the wheel is so stuck he can barely press play anymore. remember when he literally just tore off the top casing off his laptop and threw it away? more of that.

• no nice clothes. NO nice clothes we fuckin hate that. everything sam and dean own was purchased pre 1995 and dean is an expert at removing blood stains and sewing up jackets. dean will walk into a laundromat with a tide pen and just start goin for it like that scene in deadpool.

• tbh.... I feel like the issues in later seasons are really this massive horrible domino effect. like I could say heres how to fix s7-10 but the fact is if shit hadnt gone down lile it had in s7 s10 would be a different story entirely.

• I am gonna do it tho bc I suck <3

• s6: soulless sam was funney but did that really go anywhere? no. tbh I dont remember what happened w cas and I'm just not going to look it up. it's just not in the cards for tonight. dean w lisa.... ehh.... I've discussed this at wayy too much length w mushroom and we both agreed that dean would probably keep hunting to keep his mind off things and to try and honor sams sacrifice. I guess theres an argument to be made for the fact that it kind of was Sam's dying wish that dean just go fin her and live a normal life but... idk. purgatory was. . indeed a Concept..... that could have maybe gone somewhere if it didnt rapidly spiral into....

• s7!!! I mean. jesus christ. I know some people like this one but jesus christ. the way they literally couldnt commit to having sam have genuine mental health problems after centuries in hell or to just magically wipe them away..... bobby dying halfway thru.... charlie was a bright spot I suppose, but her intro is not my fave episode w her.... idk what the fuck happened w cas, I guess he was god. the leviathan designs were kinda neat but like oh my fucking god it wasnt worth it.

• s8: uh. rough start. idk why the turn tables so suddenly and dean's like "why didnt u look for me >:((" bc??? yall agreed not to???? at the VERY least they couldve had sam been like "I legitimately had no reason to think u werent dead and in heaven and tha wouldve been a little rude of me to pull u out of that." but we went for ~drama~ to make it spicy I guess. ouygh. bunkers there!!! that was cool!!! MoL is a cool concept!!! altho... it doesn kinda contradict the whole sam and dean are nobodies thing... idk. trials of hell was like... cool in theory but bad in practice unless they were planning on ending the show for realskies. and they did not.

• s9: uhh... hated gadreel! hated that shit! wish they had spun that whole storyline to be more "hey sam I noticed u were s*icidal should we maybe address that??" or even like.... I mean dean probably couldve just TOLD sam abt his plan, he had already convinced him to stay alive by that point??? there was no reason to lie!!! plus the betrayal of gadreel not being who he said he was wouldve been like. literally enough drama, we didnt need to fracture the team again. and cas was??? where exactly??? be was human for at least half of that season but hey didnt know what to do w him so they chucked him in a convenience store??? good lord.

• s10: got no suggestions for that one, just toss it

• s11: ok... shes cute.... we can forgive her.... the lore is shaky at best but the episodes SLAP and the characterization is *chefs kiss*. it's been a hot minute since I've seen it so if smth sucked I dont remember and I plan to keep it that way!!!!

• s12: n.. no. no mary. no mary unless we're doing it right. and I promise u doing it right was not poorly ripping off kingsman. couldve brought back bobby!!! if they desperately wanted some drama couldve brought back john!!! actually fuck that, no way

• s13-15: no thoughts, only jack kline <3

#holy fuck im so sorry <3 #shut up cereal #asks #long post #spn critical #hate tagging my posts as that bc i dont wanna b one of ~Those~ but i dont want ppl coming after me 4 this #theres probably like 100000 things i forgot!!! feel free to add ur own!!!!#there are some seasons i only ever watched once very very long ago....#and tbh classic spn is the freshest in my mind so im focusing on her #spn #supernatural

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dead-ghouls · 6 years

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Theres no way that i could ask for a break down of what you see in his ftes in ask format is is there?? I already love korekiyo, but I'm really curious about what you have to say.

I can do that! The only thing is that most of what he says I’ll be quoting from memory, but direct quotes can be found in his FTEs and in-game dialogue on wiki. I’ll do my best to provide as many screenshots as I can, but I doubt I will be able to find all, it’s a very long process and I dont have the whole day.V3 spoilers below, ofc. Also TW various types of abuse, you know the drill if you played the game. Long post!Let’s start from what we know about Korekiyo. What makes him Korekiyo, what makes him stand out, what’s special about him.

- Unique outfit- Long hair- His deep knowledge of anthropology- His interest in occult/speaking to the dead- His deep relationship with death, grief and how he looks at it- His love for ropes- Being a serial killer

Now let’s break down every trait he has and where it comes from.

Unique outfit

FTE 3, he tells us his sister made it for him to suit her tastes, claiming his school uniform doesnt suit him.

Long hairI don’t remember if it was mentioned in-game, but it was mentioned in V3 manga anthology, that his long hair is a memento to his sister, since she had long hair, so he refuses to cut it. It is stated that events of manga obviously not canon, but I dont think this claim was outside of his canon characterisation.

His deep knowledge of anthropology

In the same FTE he mentions that Sister was the one who “pushed him to research as much as he could”

His interest in occult/speaking to the dead + his relationship with death and griefI dont think i gotta find proof for that, he mentioned travelling looking to speak to the dead, the whole ch 3 with Caged Child + he mentioned having near-death experience after a seanse (see next bullet point), and that’s how his Sister came to him.He speaks about human mortality and coming to terms with it, but he himself cant do that.

He doesnt fear death, maybe he even seeks it - to reunite with his Sister [cut to him enduring his execution and seeing his spirit happy and free, ready to meet her] but no way he could properly cope with human mortality and his own grief. That’s where all the occult stuff comes in - him telling how he tried so many things and how nothing worked (?). He says it during ch3 investigation, if you wanna look for a direct quote. Him being into occult, speaking with the dead, being possessed by his Sister - all of it is just his ways of coping with loss. He was very dependant on her (I’ll talk about it more below) and couldnt stand being alone.

His love for ropesOf course it can be a kinky thing but also look closely at this exchange:

This incident with ropes is what actually ended up “reuniting” him with his Sister. Of course he’d hold a special interest to this kind of activity after.

Being a serial killerWell this one is obvious. Who did he kill? Girls. Why did he do it? To bring friends to his Sister. Simple as that.

Now look back at every bullet point and tell me: do you see a pattern? Yep, every aspect of his life, likes, personality, experiences, even his looks - it all traces back to his Sister. Controlling what he wears, what he does, what he likes; even after her death he is deeply affected and is devoted to doing everything in her name. Now try to recall one single thing about Korekiyo that wasn’t his Sister influence. Something he likes maybe? Something he enjoys on his own free time? Even his official dislike is a reference to a gift you might give in-game, an air refreshener that exorcises ghosts [He believes that he is possesed]. All I can think of is him telling he prefers green tea over black in one of FTEs. Korekiyo that we see and interact with in game isn’t his own person, just a reflection of grief, his Sister wants and needs. His whole existence is just a devotion to his late Sister, and it was the same way when she was alive.

Sister’s personality

From what I mentioned you should already hear the faint bells ringing in your head. “Pushed me to study” “Told me my uniform doesnt suit me” “I will kill people because her spirit told me to”He respected her, depended on her a lot. No shit, Sherlock - he was his Older Sibling. A side note, he never mentioned anyone else from his family, only said that they “had to hide their relationship from others” once. Sadly, I cant remember where it was said. No matter if he had any family present or not (having no family would worsen the case, but with family present its still fucked up) he still depended on her a lot, maybe considered her a parental figure, or at the very least - a role model. Korekiyo’s analysis on youtube brings up a very valid point - anthropology couldve been her passion as well, she just couldnt actually fullfill it because of the sickness. Explains her “pushing” him to research it.Basically we have an older sibling holding power over a younger sibling, presumably, from a younger age. More of her personality and influence can be seen in his trial. “You mustnt lose composure, you mustnt become flustered, you mustnt waver”Im linking this bit, but I strongly recommend rewatching the full version where his Sister appears. She appears to be his guardian, keeping him in check, making him act right. Telling him what to do and how to act. She appears in moments of distress when he needs comfort. He depends on her, he listens, he does everything she tells him to. Im not gonna get into the whole tulpa thing, so if youre not on board with it, I recommend reading into it more, even wiki has a brief explanation. Basically this possession is just his mind, but it does hold her true personality. So Sister is: assertive, calm, plays a role of guardian, has power over Korekiyo due her age, his respect and dependance on her, probably her being his parental figure.

Now tell me, how this power dynamic could be healthy, consensual and (a very popular opinion in the fandom) this relationship was started from Korekiyo’s advances? How a younger sibling, that was so dependant and devoted could be in a consensual relationship with his older sibling that always tells him what to do?Korekiyo was groomed, he’s a victim. Most people in fandom hate him for being creepy and a sister-banging freak, because he doesn’t fit your cookie-cutter perseption of abuse victims. Everyone thinks that abuse victims only come in “i hate my abuser, i am currently away from them and i am healing” package. Korekiyo was never given a chance to realize it was wrong, he never got a chance to heal. He was groomed, abused, used and forced into relationship. Told that it was secret and sacred, that theyre breaking the boundaries, that’s why he mustnt tell anyone about it. Of course he believed her - its his Sister. She convinced him that his love and dependance on her was romantic/sexual love.

The same analysis brings up a good point of his Sister guilt tripping him because of her illness. Never getting a chance for romantic love, never getting a chance to make friends.

What breaks my heart is that after all of this, after devoting his life to his Sister, studying what she wanted, wearing what she wanted, killing for her sake and even being executed because of her - he says that he wasn’t enough.

TLDR - Their power dynamic is very obvious from his FTEs and the trial, he was clearly groomed and abused, never got to recover from her manipulations. And fandom either fetishisizes their relationship, excusing their nasty kinks by saying it was consensual, or hates him because they never took the time to analyze the content. He was abused, he was manipulated, god knows what else was done to him when she was alive, and he died driven to insanity, full of grief devoted to his Sister and blaming himself for not being enough. As a side-note: it is completely okay being uncomfortable with his character/everything that happened in ch3. You dont owe anyone interacting with the piece of media depicting such topics. Your comfort and safety comes first. Kodaka is a shitty fucking writer. What is not okay is hating a character for being a victim.

I probably missed a lot, my brain is very disorganized, so feel free to ask more questions/add your own opinion.

#danganronpa #ndrv3 #korekiyo shinguji #long post #mochizuke #ask

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somnilogical · 4 years

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davis tower kingsley (listed here on the cfar instructor page) who harassed a cis woman about her appearance another cis women reported this to acdc (the people who wrote the thing about how brent was great) and afaict they did nothing, claims that if trans people and gay people dont "repent and submit to the pope" they will burn in hell, defended the spanish inquisitions, wrote about how the mission system werent actually abductions, slavery, forced conversions and this was propaganda, defends pretty much any atrocity that an authority, "believes" the catholic god exists and does not try and destroy them, submits to them. and so much more.

born into another era they would actually work for the california mission system and say it was good.

said thing that cached out to that emma and somni should repent and submit to the rationalist community. wrote up a rant about "how about fuck you. go lick the boots of your dark mistress anna salamon." didnt send. got kicked by some rationalist, reasoning is probably that what id say would disrupt their peaceful machinations of omnicide, would be infohazards, because... the information is hazardous to their social order.

a few of these things are subjects of future blog posts.

cfar has never hired a trans woman, i have lots of logs of them trying to do what people did to porpentine. claiming emma thinks torturing children is hot, claiming emma was physically violent, claiming emma was indistinguishable from a rapist, claiming ziz was a "gross uncle style abuser", claiming somni was enticing people to rape, claiming that anna salamon was a small fragile woman and ziz was large and had muscles. as if any of our strength or speed had anything to do with our muscles in this place. all of these things are false except relative size difference between ziz and anna which is just transmisogynistic and irrelevant.

if they lie about are algorithms claim that we are using male-typical strategies and then they can fail by these lies and be sidelined by callout posts that transfered 350,000$ from miri despite their best efforts to cover this up. (all benefited by having relative political advantagr flowing from estrogenized brain modules. men are kind of npc's in this particular game of fem v fem cyberontological warfare for the fate of the multiverse, mostly making false patriarchal assumptions that ziz was doing things for social status. like status sensitivity is hormonally mediated, your experiences are not universal. or saying like kingsley is saying that people should repent and submit to whatever authorities in the rationalist region they submit to. NO. FUCK YOU. i will not repent and submit to your abusive dark mistress anna salamon.

i knew anna salamon was doing the edgy "transfems are all secretly male" thing before i talked with ziz. it was a thing, {zack, carrie}, ben hoffman, michael vassar were also in on it. ppl had men trapped in mens bodies on their bookshelves because the cool people were reading it. didnt think she was being *transmisogynistic* about it until i talked with ziz. in retrospect i was naive.)

also? anarchistic coordination ive had with people have been variously called lex's cluster, somni's cluster, ziz's cluster by authoritarians who cant imagine power structures between people that arent hierarchical. like based on who they want to say is "infohazardously corrupting people" emma goldman had to deal with this shit too where the cops tried to say she was friends with anyone who thought anarchism made sense. people she didnt know at all who did their own anarchism. because authoritarians dont think in terms of philosophy, they think any challenge to their power is a disease that needs to be eliminated and you just need to doxx their network.

like if ziz and somni and emma were all actually infohazardous rapists as people keep trying to claim we are and then saying "oh no i didnt mean it i swear" and then doing it again. what would happen isnt that a bunch of infohazardous rapists start talking and working together for a common goal. what actually happens with people of that neurotype is they partition up the territory into rival areas of feeding on people like gangs do.

like they dont get together and start talking a lot about decision theory and cooperate in strange new ways.

not that the people lying about emma, ziz, gwen, somni and others are trying to have accurate beliefs. they are trying what all athoritarians try with anarchist groups. unfortunately for them, ive read the meta, i know dread secrets of psychology and cooperation that they claim are like painful static and incomprehensible, yet despite being "incomprehensible" are almost certainly harmful. if harm is to be judged against upholding the current regime, and the current regime is evil, then lots of true information and good things will look harmful. like ive tested this out in different social spheres what people claim is "incomprehensible" is the stuff that destroys whatever regime they are working in. like someone said i sounded like i was crazy and homeless and couldnt understand me when i pointed out that reorienting your life, your time, your money, to a human who happens to be genetically related to you for 16 years is altruistic insanity. just do the math. eliezer, anna, michael, brian tomasik all once took heroic responsibility for the world at some point in their lives and could do a simple calculation and make the right choice. none of them have children.

pretending that peoples "desires" "control them", when "desires" are part of the boundary of the brain, part of the brains agency and are contingent on what you expect to get out of things. like before stabbing myself with a piece of metal would make me feel nauseated, id see black dots, and feel faint. but after i processed that stabbing myself would cure brain damage and make me more functional, all this disappeared.

most people who "want" to have children have this desire downstream of a belief that someone else will take heroic responsibility for the world, they dont need to optimize as much. there are other competent people. if they didnt they would feel differently and make different choices.

you can see the contingency of how people feel about something on what they get out of it lots of places. like:

<<Meanwhile, a Ngandu woman confessed, "after losing so many infants I lost courage to have sex.">>

but people lie about how motivation works, in order to protect the territory of saying "well i just need a steady input of nubile fems so i can concentrate and be super altruistic!" or "i just need spend 16 years of life reorienting around humans who happen to be genetically related to me and my friends so i can concentrate and be super altruistic!" when neither of these are true. these people just want nubile fems, they just want babies. (the second one has much much less negative externalities though. you could say i am using my female brain modules to say "yeah the archetypically female strat, though it has the same amount of lying, is less harmful". but like it actually is less directly harmful. the harm from gaslighting people downstream of diverting worldsaving resources and structure to secure a place to {hit on fems, raise babies} is ruinous. means that worldsaving plans that interfere with either of these are actively fought. and the knowledge that neither of these are altruistic optimizations, neither is Deeply Wise they are as dumb in terms of global optimization as they seem initially, is agentically buried.

this warps things in deep ways, that were a priori unexpected to me.)

this is obvious, but when i talk about it, the objection isnt that it doesnt make utilitarian sense, the objection is that "im talking like a crazy person". authoritarians say this to me too when i assert my right to my property that they took, act like im imposing on them. someone else asked if i could "act like a human" and do what he wanted me to do when i was thinking and talking with my friends. all of these things authoritarians have said to me "act like a human" "talk like a normal person i cant understand you" were to coerce my submission. they construct the category of "human" and then say im in violation of it and this is wrong and i should rectify it. i am talking perfectly good english right now. you can read this.

anna salamon, kelsey piper, elle, pete michaud, and many others all try to push various narratives of somni, emma, ziz, gwen and others being in the buckets {RAPIST, PSYCHO, BRAINWASHED}. im not a rapist, im not psychotic, im not brainwashed. before ziz came along, people were claiming i was brainwashing people, its a narrative they keep reusing.

porpentine talks about communities that do this, that try and pull trap doors beneath trans women:

<<For years, queer/trans/feminist scenes have been processing an influx of trans fems, often impoverished, disabled, and/or from traumatic backgrounds. These scenes have been abusing them, using them as free labor, and sexually exploiting them. The leaders of these scenes exert undue influence over tastemaking, jobs, finance, access to conferences, access to spaces. If someone resists, they are disappeared, in the mundane, boring, horrible way that many trans people are susceptible to, through a trapdoor that can be activated at any time. Housing, community, reputation—gone. No one mourns them, no one asks questions. Everyone agrees that they must have been crazy and problematic and that is why they were gone.>>

https://thenewinquiry.com/hot-allostatic-load/

(a mod of rationalist feminists deleted this almost immediately from the group as [[not being a good culture fit]], not being relevant to rationalism, and written in the [[wrong syntax]]. when its literally happening right now, they are trying to trapdoor transfems who protest and rebel asap. just like google.)

canmom on tumblr talks about the strategic use of "incomprehensibility" against transfems. and how its not about "comprehensibility". i have a different theory of this, but her thing is also a thing.

<<Likewise, @isoxys recently wrote an impressively thorough transmisogyny 101, synthesising the last several years of discussions about this facet of our particular hell world. But that post got just 186 notes, almost exclusively from the same trans women who are accused of writing ‘inaccessibly’.

Perhaps they’d say isoxys’s post is inaccessible too, but what would pass the bar? Some slick HTML5 presentation with cute illustrations? A wiki? Who’s got the energy and money to make and host something like that? Do the critics of ‘inaccessible’ posts take some time to think about what kind of alternative would be desirable, and how it could be organised?>>

https://canmom.tumblr.com/post/185908592767/accessibility-in-terms-of-not-using-difficult

alice maz talks about the psychology behind the kind of cop kelsey piper, david tower kingsley, elle and others are:

<<the role of the cop is to defend society against the members of society. police officers are trivially cops. firefighters and paramedics, despite similar aesthetic trappings, are emphatically not. bureaucrats and prosecutors are cops, as are the worst judges, though the best are not. schoolteachers and therapists are almost always cops; this is a great crime, as they present themselves to the young and the vulnerable as their friends, only to turn on them should they violate one of their profession's many taboos. soldiers and parents need not be cops, but the former may be used as such, and the latter seem frighteningly eager to enlist. the cop is the enemy of passion and the enemy of freedom, never forget this>>

https://www.alicemaz.com/writing/alien.html

anna salamon wrote a thing implying that ziz, somni, gwen suffered some sort of vague mental issues from going to aisfp. (writing a post on this.) alyssa vance tried to suggest i believe cfar is evil because im homeless. but sarah constantin, ben hoffman, {carrie, zack}, jessica taylor (the last three who have blogged a lot about whats deeply wrong) (not listing others because not wanting to doxx a network to authoritarians, who just want to see it contained. and the disease of "infohazards" eradicated.) are not homeless and ive talked with many of them and read blog posts. and they know that cfar is fake. jessica (former miri employee) left because miri was fake.

anna and others are trying to claim that theres some person responsible for a [[mass psychotic break]] that causes people to... independently update in the same direction. and have variously blamed it on ziz, somni, michael vassar. but like mass psychotic breaks arent...really a thing, would not be able to independently derive something, plan on writing a blogpost on it, and then see ben hoffman had written http://benjaminrosshoffman.com/engineer-diplomat/ and i was like "ah good then i dont have to write this." and have this happen with several different people.

like this is more a mass epistemic update that miri / cfar / ssc / lw are complicit in the destruction of the world. and will defend injustice and gaslight people and lie about the mathematical properties of categories to protect this.

they all know exactly what they are doing, complicity with openai and deepmind in hopes of taking the steering wheel away at the last second. excluding non-human life and dead humans from the CEV to optimize some political process, writing in an absolute injunction to an fai against some outcome to protect from blackmail when that makes it more vulnerable.(see:

https://emma-borhanian.github.io/arbital-scrape/page/hyperexistential_separation.html

hyperexistential separation: if an fai cant think of hell, an fai cant send the universe to hell in any timeline. this results in lower net utility. if you put an absolute injunction against any action for being too terrible you cant do things like what chelsea manning did and i believe actually committed to hungerstriking until death in the worlds where the government didnt relent, choosing to die in those timelines. such that most of her measure ended up in a world where the government read this commitment in her and so relented.

if chelsea manning had an absolute injunction against ever dying in any particular timeline, she would get lower expected utility across the multiverse. similarly, in newcombs problem if you had an absolute injunction against walking away with 0$ in any timeline because that would be too horrible, you get less money in expectation. for any absolute injunction against things that are Too Horrible you can construct something like this.

a lot of humans seem to be betting on "nothing too horrible can happen to anyone" in hopes that it pays off in nothing too horrible happening to you.

the end result of not enacting ideal justice is the deaths of billions. at each timestamp saying "its too late to do it now, but maybe it would have been good sometime in the past". with the same motive that miri wants to exclude dead people from the cev, they arent part of the "current political process". so you can talk about them as if they were not moral patients, just like they treat their fellow animals.

(ben hoffman talks about different attitudes towards ideal justice coming upon the face of the earth.)

https://emma-borhanian.github.io/arbital-scrape/page/cev.html

cev:

<<But again, we fall back on the third reply: "The people who are still alive" is a simple Schelling circle to draw that includes everyone in the current political process. To the extent it would be nice or fair to extrapolate Leo Szilard and include him, we can do that if a supermajority of EVs decide* that this would be nice or just. To the extent we don't bake this decision into the model, Leo Szilard won't rise from the grave and rebuke us. This seems like reason enough to regard "The people who are still alive" as a simple and obvious extrapolation base.>>

https://emma-borhanian.github.io/arbital-scrape/page/cev.html

this is an argument from might makes right. because dead people and nonhuman animals cant fight back.

->"i think we should give planning of the town to the white people, then extrapolate their volition and if they think doing nice things for black people is a good idea, we'll do it! no need to bake them in to the town planning meetings, as they are arent part of the current political process and no one here will speak up for them."

i dont plan to exclude dead people or any sentient creatures from being baked in to fai. they are not wards of someone else. enslaving and killing fellow sentient life will not continue after the singularity even if lots of humans want it and dont care and wont care even after lots of arguments.) and so much else.

the list of all specific grievances would take a declaration of independence.

like with googles complicity with ICE having a culture of trapdooring transfems (for some reason almost the only coherent group that has the moral fiber to oppose these injustices, that is p(transfem|oppose injustice in a substantiative way) is high, not necc the reverse.) who question this sort of thing.

thinking of giving sarah constantin a medal thats engraved with "RIGHTEOUS AMONG CIS PEOPLE: I HAD SEVERAL SUBSTANTIAL DISAGREEMENTS WITH HER ABOUT LOAD BEARING PARTS OF HER LIFE AND SHE NEVER ONCE TRIED TO CALL ME A RAPIST, PSYCHOTIC, OR BRAINWASHED" thats where the bar is at, its embedded in the core of the earth.

kelsey piper, elle benjamin, anna salamon, pete michaud, and lots more have entirely failed to clear this bar. anna and kelsey saying they dont understand stuff somni, emma, ziz and other transfems talk about but its probably dangerous and infohazardous and its not to be engaged with philosophically. just like the shelter people acting as if my talking about their transmisogyny was confusing and irrational to be minimized and not engaged with. just like any authoritarian where when you start talking about your rights and what is right and wrong and what makes sense they are like "i dont understand this. you are speaking gibberish why are you being so difficult? all we need you to do is submit or leave."

and no i will NOT SHUT UP about this injustice. all miri/cfar people can do at this point is say "the things these people write are infohazards" then continue to gaslight others they cant engage on a philosophical level. all the can say is that what i am saying is meaningless static and yet also somehow dangerous.

it doesnt make sense to have and raise babies if you are taking heroic responsibility for the world. doesnt make sense to need a constant supply of fems to have sex with if you are taking heroic responsibility for the world. people who claim either of these pairs of things are lying, maybe expect someone else to take heroic responsibility for the world or exist in a haze.

the mathematics of categories and anticipations dont allow for the thing you already have inside you to be modified based on the expected smiles it gives your community. this is used to gaslight people like "calling this lying would be bad for the institutions, not optimize ev. thus by this blogpost you are doing categories wrong' this is a mechanism to cover dishonesty for myopic gains.

using the above, a bunch of people colluding with the baby industrial complex get together and say that the "beat" meaning of altruism includes having babies (but maybe not having sex with lots of fems? depending on which gendered strategy gets the most people in the colluding faction) because other meanings would make people sad and unmotivated. burying world optimizers ability to talk about and coordinate around actual altruism.

openAI and deepmind are not alignment orgs. cfar knows this and claims they are, gaslighting their donors, in hopes of taking the steering wheel at the last moment.

alyssa vance says paying out to blackmail is fine, its not.

CFAR manipulated donation metrics to hide low donations.

MIRI lied about its top 8 most probable hypotheses for why its down 350,000$ this year.

anna salamon is transmisogynistic, this is why cfar has never hired a trans women despite trans women being extremely good at mental tech. instead the hire people like davis kingsley.

kingsley lied about anna not being involved at hiring in cfar in order to claim anna couldnt be responsible for cfar never hiring a trans woman.

a cfar employee claimed anna salamon hired their rapist, was angry about it. mentioned incidentally how anna salamon, president and cofounder of cfar, was involved in hiring at cfar.

acdc wrote a big thing where defended a region of injustice (brent dill) because of their policy of modular ethics. when really, if you defend injustice at any point, you have to defend the defense and the thing iteratively spreads across your organization like a virus.

miri / cfar caved to louie helm.

not doing morality or decision theory right. among which is: https://emma-borhanian.github.io/arbital-scrape/page/hyperexistential_separation.html and https://emma-borhanian.github.io/arbital-scrape/page/cev.html

and so much more.

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seungyovn · 5 years

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How and why did you come out?

i slept on this ask, debating if i wanted to answer it or not.

but i’ve had some coffee and time to process and i feel comfortable sharing it. so this is going to be v long and i am going to put it under a read more.

but just a warning, there is a massive amount of homophobia and transphobia and just terribleness in general. so please take caution before reading.

alright, so i grew up in a typical white chicago suburb. people think illinois is a democratic state but that is literally just because of the city of chicago. if chicago didnt exist, the state would be read. not to mention the fact that my dad is very conservative politically and my mother was raised in the deep red neck south (her family claims the term and are very proud of their terrible colonist slave owner history. gross i know).

my dad never really made homophobic remarks, at least from what i remember. but it was my mother who would always make a snide comment here or there. and when i was a junior/senior in high school, i befriended a v feminine gay man who worked at the ulta in my hometown. and she would make these homophobic remarks and i would be like uhhhh what about anthony? and she would always go “well he is the exception” and ya know that didn’t make me feel great.

but even before that, i realized when i was 15 that i was attracted to women. i remember standing in study hall and looking at my best friend smiling at me and my heart started to pound in my chest. and i knew immediately what that meant and i was just like oh fuck, no no no this can’t be happening.

so i suppressed it. i ignored my growing feelings for women and people who didn’t identify as male or female for a very long time. yet online, i was seeking lgbtq communities and friends. i never posted in them. but i read them. i didn’t really understand why i kept being drawn to that side of the internet until very much later.

so fast forward to when i was in college. i met my first long-term boyfriend and we dated from when i was 18 to 21. our relationship ended for a lot of reasons. but one of the biggest ones was when i realized that i could no longer hide who i was or who i was attracted to. and i was going to india to study abroad so i just wanted a clean break. i wanted to leave the country and to start over when i came back.

that trip happened in nov/dec. but it took me until feb to start coming out. i remember sitting on the couch at my mom’s house the day after my birthday and writing up a long text message that i sent to three of my closest friends. i was fucking terrified. i was scared. i knew those people were amazing so i didnt have to worry that much, but it was still exhausting. it was one of the most hidden secrets i’ve ever had and i just remember lying to my mom about why i was crying when my friends sent me back messages of love.

so after those three friends, i slowly started coming out to everyone around me. my friends at school. my classmates. people i trusted. they were all respectful and knew that i wasnt out to my mother and probably never would be. so they respected my privacy and never posted images of me on social media or tagged me in things that could out me.

fast forward again to june. i was moving out of the dorms at my uni to my first apartment in chicago. i had been lucky enough to have a job that allowed me to afford rent and i was kind of financially stable, but not enough to actually survive.

i had gone home to get furniture for my apartment and to get some things from my childhood home. my mom took me to dinner and we were sitting in the diner and she started hounding me with questions about my roommates. asking me if they were gay because they both had short hair. and then she looked at me and asked me if i was gay (she would do this when i didnt show interest in dating).

and normally i was very quick to deny it. and i would always shoot her down. but this time i was just so fucking exhausted and i felt like i was backed into a corner. so for the first time i couldnt answer her right away. i stuttered. and i dont really remember what exactly i said, but my mother flipped out. she ordered our food to go. stormed out of the diner. and lost her shit on me in the car.

i stayed the night because at this point i was literally trapped. and she kept going back and forth with apologizing and verbally abusing me. saying how i just want to fit in with my friends. and that i just want my friends to think i am cool and all this other bullshit.

so i finally get back to my apartment and its ironically chicago pride weekend. so i spend the weekend going to dyke march, parties, going to the parade. surrounding myself with the love and support of my friends. i didnt know at the time but my mother had found my tumblr, my instagram and other forms of social media and had made profiles to stalk me and keep track of me.

and when she saw i was going to pride she decided that she would out me to everyone. she sent mass emails. texts. facebook statuses. she did everything in her power to humiliate me. all at the same time sending me horrible text messages and e-mails about how she wishes her brain cysts had killed her. how she would rather have cancer than have me as her child. she wished that i got aids from the “orgies” i would be having (i had had one sexual partner at the time). she went after my friends who werent cis. calling them perverts and insane. and that they had all brainwashed me into being this way.

and i was a fucking mess. i cut off all communication. she cut me off financially. my life was in fucking pieces.

but i had an amazing support system. i had friends that loved me. and helped me. took care of me when i could barely take care of myself. i got to work and couldnt stop fucking sobbing and my manager pulled me aside and asked me what was wrong and i told him. and he just hugged me in the back for like 10 minutes. and told me it was going to be okay. and sent me home to rest.

and if it wasnt for them, i know i wouldnt have survived it. i eventually cut off all contact with my mom and the last time i saw her in person was 2 years later when i went home for a night to get the rest of my stuff.

my dad and i have had a difficult relationship for a lot of reasons, but he and i have been slowly mending our relationship. and he has never said anything to my face about not approving of how i love. my step mom is openly supportive and her nephew is gay and loves him to pieces. so at least i have that to hold onto.

but yeah, my coming out process wasnt fun. a lot of it was taken away from me. but i will spare some of those details.

this is really long so if you read this whole thing, damn.

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the-sanders-sides · 6 years

Text

inidan american (desi) logan

a sequel to this post because people asked for more and i decided that they shall receive (and also i love writing these)

fair warning, logans a bitter kid, and this isnt as positive and happy as romans post. ive experienced two different ways of being desi, one where i lived in fully asian and indian community and didnt even think id ever feel alone, and another where i moved to a place where i havent met another desi in like 7 years of living here in a 3 hour driving radius. in romans post i played into my first experience and how at home i felt. in the second experience, the one im in right now, i am much more bitter about who i am and not really knowing anyone who gets it anymore. so i play into that A LOT in this. so keep that in mind. (and he will get happier in a future part. m planning on making this into a series)

ok so first off. his name is logan sanders. people (mostly other indians) dont believe him when he tells them. he tells them they dont know indian history. they say they do. he tells them that the british fucked around (quite literally) in india for four centuries so of course english names would stick with that precise wording

sometimes when he’s annoyed enough and doesnt want to explain this for the millionth he defends himself with this russel peters skit (watch it, it’s hilarious) because it describes his family. to a T.

he grew up in a community with not very many asians, and knew no indians outside his family so he felt a sort of disconnect to his culture

while his grandparents and parents would teach him about indian culture, he felt so distant from it since he knew no one outside his family who was indian, and since he didnt have any siblings or any nearby cousins to hang around with

he had visited india once but he was too young to remember it properly or too remember his cousins

the closest mandir was an hour away so that also limited the amount of indian kids/people he knew

he barely knew hindi because everyone in his family spoke english, especially in public

he felt guilty over the disconnect he felt and would always try to bridge it but would never accomplish this because it he kept losing passion since he rarely saw other people like him in the real world and in the media and he didnt see the point of trying

this all changed in eight grade when he moved next door to the Kumar family in a north indian street of some south asian blocks in an asian community

when his family first moved, the Kumar family invited the Sanders over to welcome them

it turns out the Kumar’s had a son who was the same age as logan

“hi logan! im rohan kumar! but i like going by roman instead of rohan!”

this introduction pissed logan off

he was seething because why would this kid who got to have an indian first AND last name change his name to an english one! why didnt he see the value of his name!

he knew right away that such a difference meant they could never be friends

“im logan sanders, but thats all youll get to know about me because i see no use associating myself with someone as... well, ignorant, as you”

roman decides to whip out one of the swears his cousins taught him and whisper shouts “who are you calling ignorant, bhenchod?”

it became clear to him that this was new turf, and people on this new turf must be speaking hindi. and that he was the ignorant one if he couldnt talk in hindi. he made a vow to learn it as fast as he could to make sure this roman kid wasnt better than him

but, logan grits his teeth and says “you, and i know it must be true because you were too dumb to understand me the first time”

this evidently struck a sore spot in roman because he didnt fight back but just stalked away. logan smiled slightly, happy to have won that argument

logan asks his grandpa to teach him hindi and his grandpa gets super excited

they start lessons immediately and despite barely hearing it growing up, it’s as if his brain was made for this because he picks the language up amazingly fast and in a months time, while not able to speak back yet, he can understand most casual conversation

his first diwali in basically little india is the most magical thing ever

diwali at his old home was very quiet because there wasnt anyone around to celebrate with

everyone is so happy in this new home however. everyone is dressed up and all the houses are lit up and there are diyas everywhere and he doesnt want to admit it but the kumar’s have the best rangoli on the street and it’s because of roman and he knows roman did it because sometimes he’d stare out of his bedroom window while doing homework and have a perfect view of roman delicately working on it for two weeks

(the kumar’s front porch had been covered with tarp waiting for diwali to make sure romans precious rangoli wasnt stepped on or ruined. when it’s finally let up, everywhere where there could be art, there is. it’s insane how good at colors roman is, logan thinks)

diwali morning:

he fights his parents because he doesnt want to miss school for diwali because americans dont have a day off for it. his parents set the clocks in the house ahead to make him think he overslept so he would skip school. (logan didnt know that his parents had submitted an excused absence form for religious reasons and that the school was very understanding. he thought it would be like his old school where he wouldnteven bother trying since he wasnt christain and the school was lkinda discriminatory)

they spend the morning in mandir and it’s nice. for once he doesnt feel different from his peers because he goes to mandir and not church or synagogue. he feels at home.

diwali afternoon:

the afternoon is spent with frantic cleaning and cooking and digging around for the diya’s that were still in boxes, packed away from when they moved

logan offered to find them all to continue with a diya science experiment he started two years prior. his theory was that the diya’s were multiplying and there were more each year despite no one buying anymore

this held true, because even though he could only find half of their diya collection, it was somehow more than the entire diya collection of two years prior.

diwali evening:

theres a big potluck and everyone in the neighborhood is out talking to each other, looking at the decorations at everyones houses, eating samosas, and playing with sparklers.

logan feels content

he makes a new resolve to learn more about hinduism. if this is what ti was supposed to be, then he never wanted to be away from hinduism.

he looked at the metaphors and symbolism in everything and finally understood what his dad meant he told logan that hinduism is just science written in poetry and that string theory is written in the ancient texts

middle school in this new town is so much better than middle school in his old home. why?

a. doesnt get bullied for being a nerd

b. doesnt get called gay slurs

c. the classes are harder

d. much less racism

e. all of the above

soon enough, logans asking his grandpa to teach him how to cook Indian food

Logan spends the day burning dosas and making lopsided rotis

(eventually he gets the hang of it, and a he'll be cooking food for an infuriating Indian boy ;) ;) psst it's roman)

Speaking of boys

Coming out isn't an option for logan

He knows that his parents arent really religious enough to really look into hinduism and see that no, gays are not bad

But they are traditional and conservative enough to be homophobic

not homophobic as in spewing hate with the westboro baptist church at a pride parade

But homophobic as in "the gays are fine as long as they don't do it in front of me" kinda thing

So Logan stays quiet

the closet kinda sucks but i mean what can he do

it’s safer inside, and he as illogical as wishing is, he wishes that people would use their brains and realize there’s nothing wrong with gay

anyway

in school logan makes his first desi friend, who was dubbed as anxiety years ago and cant seem to get rid of the nickname and now has a whole complex about his name so logan doesnt know his name

logan and anxiety meet in the school library: logan studying and anxiety hiding

people dont like anxiety

especially non-indian kids

surprise surprise it’s an old buddy called racism, but anxiety’s story is for another time

(but even though no one really likes anxiety, whenever racist shit goes down, it has to go through roman)

so logan and anxiety become fast friends

and they make fun of roman (a+ bonding)

logan claims that roman is a hypocrite for changing his name to an english one while being so immersed in indian culture

anxiety doesnt dispute this, but says he has a past with roman

a past that involved getting stuck with the name anxiety

again, another story for another time

one day, when logan and anxiety are eating lunch they see roman destroy some homophobes who throw around the word f*g and keep calling caitlyn jenner, bruce jenner

logans chest surges

he’s all like “what?? emotions?? pride at roman?? is he better than me for being so open and standing up for what he believes in??”

gay panic basically

but logan masked it well and pushed it away

the next day roman comes to school with a pride patch on his jean jacket

logan feels like he cant breathe

logan is supremely jealous of roman.

he can be gay in peace

he can pretend not to be indian in a way that benefits him

and he’s not affected by stereotypes in the same way?? like what does this kid not have

and by stereotypes i mean

roman is the complete opposite of all indian and desi stereotypes: loud, flamboyant, theatrical

logan’s personality is exactly how the stereotypes are. he’s nerdy and likes science and math and it seems like he cant escape the stereotypes. they follow him. and he feels guilty that he likes science and math and is nerdy.

as illogical as it is, he wishes he was different from how he is

but logan later learns that there are more than just his perspective on being desi and that every desi kid growing up faces challenges about it that are different than his, causing them to experience being desi differently

and logan will accept that, in another story at another time

for now, he’s just bitter. and as illogical as it is, he wishes the world was better

and now, i shall tag some people who asked to be tagged and some other desi’s who loved this because i feel like you guys might appreciate this too. also i love u. desi famders squad up.

@sssixeyedrunt @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2 @caterpiller-tea @xxxbladeangelxxx @snufflesthegrim227 @cloudchaser7 @thelowlysatsuma

#logan sanders #logince #virgil sanders #roman sanders #desi #desi headcanons #sanders sides #mine #please love this #r #l #v

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burningdreamlandsandwich · 3 years

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Mmk psycho ass dream story time

So this is very pieced together bc it was last nights dream and im tired but like holy fuck my forearm has been feeling weird all day and its driving me insane.

So the first thing I remember is talking w my mom and her pointing out an old friend and his girlfriend or smth in a picture (we were in my house or at least a house bc this house had a pool in the back and i noticably do not have a pool) and talking abt like "oh they were so sweet but I just found out she died" or some shit like that.

Anywho the next thing I remember is being in the backyard abt to get in the pool and im w someone who looks lile an older version of an old internet friend and either my sister or my cousin possibly both but i dont think so.

Anywho were talkin abt the friend and I feel like we were talking abt some like murder mystery case going on too. Regardless we had these things called boba straws or body boba or some shit and they were these sliver balls in a colored tube that rolled up (I couldnt see the color really til way later but like i knew it ya know) and you like cut your arm a bit and stuck the straw into it and squeezed out the silver ball into your arm.

I actually have no clue what they are supposed to do but i remember there were dif sizes and i picked like a pretty damn big one and after I put the fucker in my arm and i feel like the cut closed or at least stoped bleeding immediately and like i didnt clean any blood off the straw thing.

But after I like used it my old internet friend whos sitting in a chair not swimming asks me if I'm actually trying to heal a dif type of wound meaning like emotional or mental i guess, and im basically like whatever and jump in the pool.

I vaguly remember there being like horror/murder movie tropes like people just keep going missing and my moms friend whos gf died comes ov and ppl I know (I think) start goin missing, I have a vague memory of swimming and like almost drowning/drowning myself but its unclear if thats a part of this story or something my brain added afterwords when i tried too look up dream meanings bc what the SHIT is going on.

I do feel like I got some sort of high from the silver ball its kinda hard to explain but i feel like its a type of drug

Cut to the next real thing i remember I'm waking up, chained up, in a lab of some sort and theres like massive canister full of greenish yellowish mildly bubling liquid and my moms friend is there in a lab coat and im like holy fuck im abt to die and we find out that the friend is responible for the missing people bc hes trying ti bring back his gf and like it works a little and she comes back but like its her in a andriod but like not kinda lookin like Grace from Umbrella Academy type shit but its like her body and personality and everything so like yes its her but also no it isn't.

And she either fails after waking up or i make him realize what hes done either way I remember him starting to sob (as I'm writing this my brain is being weird and like melting their faces but that didnt happen in the dream) and he like breaks and i feel like he dies by me and/or the Not GF But Yes GF killing him or like he kills himself or turns himself in or something its not super clear.

But i do remember she also dies again at the end like she says goodbye and dies its kinda weird I cant remember exactly but I feel like she disintigrated into ash, but im also thinkin she like just like dropped fuckin dead (possibly broke apart at the limbs after this im so tired yall).

And either it falls out during like the end scene or after it I finally remember to take out the ball drug thing and i do this by just squeezing it out of my arm and it falls to the floor and either way my arm just immediatly bruises and i mean lile dark dark purple with red splotches and white flecks in it and you can see veins that look even dark, and it hurts. B A D L Y. Like it was infected by it being in there for a full day (I actively remember that this happened in a single day, a full 24 hours but still.)

And yeah I just like fuckin went home or to the hospital or I passed out or some combination of that and then BAM wake up in my bed and my left arm (the one I "shot up" with ig I have no clue how to approach that) is a c h i n g and i literally felt it up (and i keep squishing it) bc I'm half convinced theres a shiny metal drug ball in my arm somewhere. Or that there should be the afteraffects of it.

its been hurting on and off all day and ive been super exhausted from both mild sleep deprivation/over sleeping and my mini, milder side panic attack before I went to bed and ive been so stressed lately its caused full acid reflux, constant constipation, constant nausea, no apitite, everything i eat makes me more sick, feel like imma have a heart attack, my entire body aches ESP in the chest area around my lungs/ribs/heart, paranoid abt everything and think somethings gonna get me ESP IN THE DARK and im tryna sleep bc I have school and need to rest to do well but like I feel like something is in my fucking arm and its driving me mad. And these crazy ass mental images of creepy ass figures with horrifying smiles keep appearing in my head just out of nowhere and a part of me is like if i go to bed im gonna have sleep paralysis again and im so done w everything I wanna cry.

I feel like im going insane.

#dream.#nightmare #body horror #vent #light talk abt drugs #omfg im loosing my mind #mental health #anybody who understands dreams or can analyze them please help bc im about to check my ass in a mental hospital #cursing #suicide mention #self injury mention #kinda #holy fUCK #im losing my fucking mindddd #need a therapist????#yeah i need a therapist #help help help

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soundscapesystem · 4 years

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tw: abusive relationships, violence, death threats, ect

my last relationship has given me some pretty intense trauma responses i 100% did not expect. every day i have to accept that it was genuinely as bad as it was and it feels like i undestand it was a little bit worse each time. im kinda of wracking my brain going over how im going to explain how bad it was to my new therapist here in a week or so.

like i feel like such an idiot. i know i shouldnt blame myself but some of it just feels so obvious. i mean how do i tell her that i stay up at night paranoid and panicking, wondering if he's watching me, wondering if hes sent a hitman after me, and then stating thats not TOTALLY wild, that he genuinely theatened my life if i left him. that he made direct violent threats against my now-boyfriend and they were aimed at me if i got with said now-boyfriend. that he raved about gang connections. that i was forced many times to agree to be complicit in his eventual planned murder. like. i agreed to that. i didnt have a choice and i stayed.

is it like wayyyy more likely that it was all a big production and never would have happened? probably, sure. he was a compulsive liar, theres no telling how much of it was going to happened. but i spent 2 years being gaslit and lied to, how am i supposed to truly just file those thoughts away as "probably not true" when all i can think about is him pacing in our bedroom with a fucking hammer in his hand telling me how much it would cost to put out a hit, telling me how many times hes supposedly done it before, telling me about having watched people die in front of him, and then telling me that he didnt give a shit about prison again, he would just do it his damn self. i dont even want to repeat the exact phrase he used to describe what he would do to him because it already repeats in my head like every night.

im realizing thats what keeps me up i think. im just scared. im afraid i will go to bed and either i wont wake up or when i do i will find out my boyfriends been murdered. it scares the living shit out of me. when hes here, theres a part of me that doesnt want to leave the house with him. im terrified to go out with him because what if hes watching me? i know its insane. hes at least 2 hours away and theres no way he could find us in this confusing ass city.

but still im afraid all day everyday. someone in the parking lot a week ago was playing a song he used to get drunk to very loudly and it sent me into a state of panic. im STILL not convinced it wasnt him. watching a comfort tv show today and they covered a song he played constantly during our last move and i just couldnt think straight i just felt like i was right back there again.

i dont know. i just feel like...

its like in the moment and at the initial time of leaving it didnt feel like such a big deal. i felt like i just left a bad relationship, toxic at worst but really it just wasnt a good relationship

the longer im away the more i realize that like i was probably a month away from physical abuse and i was in so deep if i hadnt left when i did im not sure even that would have sent me away because i think he would have threatned me at that point. i think i was a year away from being complicit in some kind of crime and possible legal trouble because of his actions.

genuinely, i feel like i escaped a lifetime movie and it would absolutely not surprise me if he genuinely killed someone in the past or will do so in the future.

i think one day i will be considered "lucky" and it scares me how absolutely certain i am of that because every single red flag was there.

#dave speaks

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ts-akhmim · 4 years

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Episode 6 | “His best Amanda Kimmel "Go girl, give us nothing!" impersonation” - Liam

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ryrU-tXQbMyAa2Sl_GFiJb61i6qUNY-x/view?usp=sharing

aj went home??!?!?! hello!? JAKE SURVIVED SO THERE IS A GOD

Who feels like shit? Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. And now I remember why I feuded with Jakey... he literally did what ever he wanted. Which is very inconvenient for the rest of us. I know he put my name down. Granted 3 minutes ago I was sure it was Dan but after briefly snapping at him I put it together. Dan, 7:21 PM Seriously I’m not mad about it ahha I can see how my words were taken. And then I definitely said this afternoon we hadn’t talked and that was why I thought you would be the vote on my end Yeah you were a target before AJ started throwing my name out. I own up to that 100% So now it's time to play voting detective... yaayyyyyyyyyyyy (em llik) This entire vote started off with Jakey and Dan. Dan claims that he didn't bring my name up, but it would be an ass pull for Jakey to come to me with Dan wanting me dead immediately after the immunity challenge and then suddenly manifest it. Jakey immediately comes to me and I immediately come to the Dumb Betches (tm). I want Dan out but it's just not realistic as the other side isn't as comfortable playing with a pure beauty team. Next day we form the Thots R Us alliance and Jakey and Scott plead their case for AJ to leave and we, like idiots, go for it. Dan continues to campaign for me. Devon gets into the mix at some point and tells Dan that AJ is voting for him. Dan changes his vote. Now according to Augusto around this point, Jakey mentioned the possibility of having an extra vote before completely shutting it down. Claiming it to be "unnecessary". I think this sparked the idea to tell AJ about the vote under the guise of "golly gee I don't wanna vote for Dan because honor and stuff so I'm voting for you". I assume it's around then he wrote my name down. Like a bitch. Sorry I'm trying to be less hateful and aggressive but man it's harrdddddddd. My guess is that he wanted a beauty out no matter what and figured he'd have better luck convincing the others to vote for me in a situation where an idol is played. He probably also wanted me and Dan to turn further against each other. Unfortunately for him, I spent all of my impulse control that day on not chewing Dan's head off and I snapped immediately afterwords and so some things were cleared up. It has to be Jakey not just because of all the things lining up and not just because it is in his character but I genuinely can't imagine anyone else doing so. - AJ and Amir are loyal hoes. Plus if one of them did something that absurd, it wouldn't exactly benefit them. It puts strain between our relationships with the other players and honestly I don't know why they'd waste a vote on me when if an idol is played they risk losing a beauty majority. - Devon doesn't seem like he would make any waves and seems to have taken a liking to me. Granted I'm less sure about him then the others but he did put most of the work in convincing Dan not to put my name down. Plus he doesn't seem to have anticipated AJ having an idol. - Scott, to do something like this would have been risky. I'm his primary connection to the beauty alliance, if AJ were to play an idol he would have risked losing an asset. - I truly think Dan isn't lying to me because he genuinely believed if he didn't vote for AJ he'd be fucked. He wasn't comfortable with where the votes lied, to throw a vote towards me would have been pretty dumb and insanely reckless. Jakey is the only person I can think of who would go out so out of his way for something like this. Chaos is more or less his calling card. Plus it would be in his best interest to keep around someone in his majority alliance and get rid of a beauty. And he probably thought that I was a better option considering past history or whatever. :/ So now we have to sacrifice Jakey to the survivor gods not because he wrote my name down but because I can't trust him to keep his shit together and vote with us. We were going to target Dan next and he probably won't be chill with that. He probably would prefer to aim for Devon or One of the beauties. And that well, wouldn't be in my best interest either. In the mean time, I'm just going to sit still and look pretty.

Ok, I need to make a quick apology. Talking to Autumn and Duncan has been the highlight of my game thus far. Autumn went to the same undergrad as me and Duncan is one of the most genuine guys I've ever met. I feel terrible for ever being doubtful of being on the same tribe as them. Because now I really think I have two more people that I feel I can trust and move with further, which (in the words of the perfect Mrs. Kim Spradlin) means I have options, and I think this can guarantee a spot for me at merge and a really good group to make some moves with that isn't as obvious to people. If we were to go to tribal, I think my target would be Connor which should be an easy vote given his general lack of activity on the tribe thus far, but I'm also not against the prospect of blindsiding Ali as I think there's a chance he has that Apis idol and I'm certain he has a few tricks up his sleeves.

okay soooo i have two LONG video confessionals uploading from the last two days but wow stuff is happening... so first off, the nuThoth tribe voted off... AJ?! which is so unexpected, that shakes up the game completely, like now it means the game is changed... it means the brawn four on this tribe sticking together is a really bad idea, and it just... everything has changed. i'm so so glad jake has survived, which keeps one good ally in on nuThoth. I'm still scared of Augusto/Amir/Kendall/Scott, but hopefully one will go if they go to tribal again? idek but yeah a lot of this will be repeated in my video, but god is a woman. and her name is autumn, i called with autumn for TWO HOURS yesterday and it was a transcendent experience, i literally love her so much. and it was such a good conversation, like i 100% overshared but it was great to kinda link up... i talked to her about adam (more on him later), she filled me in on the brain hot goss and she is of course someone i want to stick with. on this tribe, the two i feel best about are tj and autumn - tj i was SO mean to at the start but i actually get really good energy from him now? i really want to solidify something with him, i definitely want to stick wit him. jordan i think trusts me a lot but for some reason i continue to have anxiety about him (but he is a good shield in a merge situation). i for some reason get really good vibes from connor? i think i would love to talk to him more (will pm him today) - i think connor gives off good vibes and particularly since adam's conspiracy of a beauty illuminati is over i think i could trust him a lot? we haven't spoken much but he has really good ally potential imo. adam is a tricky one. for some reason i do NOT trust him. he is in EVERYONES pms peddling this same narrative and is just doing a lot? i think he is a real slippery player, and i feel like he is a fish who if we release into the ocean of a merge tribe we will never get back? i have such anxiety about him making it far so i'd love for him to go as soon as possible. its tough tho because now that a beauty majority voted off a beauty, i feel like the brawn four on this tribe need to do similar? so maybe i need to vote off liam? its just annoying because i trust liam, and i'd LOVE to get adam out but i dont see the numbers to pull that off. so i feel like we have to vote liam to give ourselves wiggle room as brawn players, but from there idk... because i want adam GONE grrrrrrrrrr its frustrating. hopefully we win this challenge, and the other tribe has another chance to get rid of someone... like the less decisions i have to make the better at this point i take it back jordan is so sweet, he is like a teddy bear... its just whether he is a care bear or lotso from toy story

i cant remember what my last confessional said so im just gonna start with last tribal: aj got voted out ........ of all the false beautys it had to be him the ONE who actually was nice to me and was the whistleblower on that main alliance? when i said it'd ironically beautiful to me to see one of the beautys voted out he was NOT any of the ones i was talking about then we get our next immunity and oh would you look at that... THREE people have to sit out meaning there's gonna surely be another chat with 5 people in it to say lets vote adam out AGAIN.......as soon as i saw this challenge my ptsd immediately was triggered and i was trying SO hard to sound like i wanted to be in one of the things even if i wouldnt have been good at it just so i could rest easy but it didnt really work out, in fact the highlight of the challenge was actually me and duncan and our contribution of sitting on the sidelines looking pretty while they all flopped but bless their hearts at least they tried, so now we're going back to tribal, and again i didnt compete in immunity which apparenly is cause for a target now so ... im HOPING that doesnt happen again, and if it does then i probably deserve to go home! i was kinda just.... not in the mood to talk to anyone much of yesterday or even today just because um.... i didnt want to dfakdfs mostly due to that dumb bitch DeDe Pressión just making me wanna do nothing but lay in bed and torture myself by watching more real survivor but i woke up today in a better mood, the moods they come and they go, much like me i love being elusive so hopefully people just dont think im like such dumb bitch who doesnt wanna talk or whatever, because believe it or not the gorls can be so hateful over you not being able to recite their whole life story back to them at the final triabl! they ripped me to shred my first season because i couldnt tell them so and so had a purple sheep back on the farm in late october 2007 like gorl plea .... so yeah ive been trying to talk to more people today to compensate, not sure where it will go, it did reassure me a bit that liam messaged me like RIGHT after the challenge and began already saying stuff about connor like ooh gorl michael_jackson_i_love_this_song.gif, but i just need to be careful because i dont want to seem like im the one controlling the vote, because odds are im gonna get made to look a fool and ill go home, or be left in the dark, but im gonna try to have slightly more faith in these people and hope they're buying what im selling, because it's pretty good stuff, i just want to feel like im the most expensive iphone in the store you know, like i want to be able to say im building relationships nonetheless and will make people come running to ME with information but who knows. I'm either playing decently and in a good spot right now, or im a fucking delusional schizophrenic so im hoping tribal reveals something like that one way or another. at least if i get voted off i can stop letting this game stress me the HELL out in the middle of a fucking pandemic

youtube

When AJ leaves and you can trust your new alliance with the beauties and Jakey https://media.tenor.com/images/b4c2f5c658c1d3ade7e506ee7ffe3c5e/tenor.gif When you win your first tribal immunity challenge of the season https://i.imgur.com/8xzlbRW.gif When you don’t have to see Alyssa and Jess at tribal https://media.giphy.com/media/6nuiJjOOQBBn2/giphy.gif My tribe when I get to go to bed early because I don’t have to stay up stressing about tribal https://media.vanityfair.com/photos/58c16a15208b4945c3920cf0/master/w_1600%2Cc_limit/nicole-kidman-seal-clap.gif

Second tribal of the game for me and I am feeling good once again. i see myself in a position where I dont think i am being targeted and I really just have room to grow and form my social relationships. I feel bad for connor cause I think he will be going home barring anything crazy happening. He was someone I wanted to work with going into this game, but ill be honest his social game is just abysmal he needs to talk to people more. I originally thought he was just not talking to me cause he assumed we were good but apparently everone feels like they cant have a convo with him. Its way too early for me to do something crazy and deviate so I think hes gonna be blindsided tonight. Maybe I want to lock down a final 2 with TJ soon im starting to trust him more and more and hopefully he feels the same way. Im pretty confident that were gonna merge at 12 because thats the first time my legacy advantage is coming into play but im not sharing that information, that power is as locked to the chest as can be I will not tell a soul all game about it, thats how you become a fan favourite game changer sierra dawn thomas and I will not be her, married to joe anglim what a thought. Im off focus, either way Ive talked a lot about feeling very rocky in this game so far and feeling like I havent found my footing, but Im getting a foundation built now and once I get going, theirs no stopping me.

Is it seriously only Day 14..? Ugh, this game drags on for so, so long. Tonight is gonna be deja vu of Kvaloya in which I once again send home Connor, hopefully unanimously again. I respond to his fucking messages, and he's doing his best Amanda Kimmel "go girl, give us nothing!" impersonation right now. It's ANNOYING. I can't work with someone who does this!

oh duncan. oh duncan duncan duncan. every single time we play together you underestimate me as a player and it is infuriating? so this time you don't want an alliance with me? that's fine... but don't think i wont find out. i'm literally my blood is boiling that he thinks he can get away with this... grr. but also i love autumn for telling me, it shows me i can trust her and we are gonna go the distance. anyway so i do think connor is going to leave tonight and me freaking out will only make it me instead... so i will go with it. but now im waiting to see what jordan and tj say... and to see if they tell me. i dont think tj will tell me, but i do think jordan BETTER. i'm defending him to autumn, so he owes me plus he says we are a duo so he better JKASLDFAF. so now? i feel like i need to trust adam and stop being so nervous to trust him... he is on the bottom with me and we need to flip this upside DOWN. if me/adam link up, that will be good... because im not down to be stuck on the bottom for more than a vote... being on the bottom is how to go home and that's not my thing

So now that the vote is looming, I think that we have it fully on Connor now. Duncan and I came up with the fake vote of Adam which Connor seemed to take? Although he's asking questions that seem fishy, so let's just hope he buys it. And Duncan and I made an alliance of me, him, Jordan, and Autumn which is perfect to have going into merge. I still need to figure out how best to integrate the two so that they can know Jakey is going to work with us but not enough so that they don't know that me/Jakey/Jordan also have an alliance together. But this is awesome going into the next round, and I'm just praying that we don't see an idol played, because that would be DISASTER!

the way i've called adam shady for days and days and now i trust him one of the most? wow a growth arc. i'm still heated about duncan. he is SOO likable and charismatic, and is someone who is genuinely always just fun to play with? so him being in this gamebot really dry state is so frustrating because ik if he just relaxed and let his natural personality out he would snap?! he is just so fixated on doing well this season that he is getting in his own way (at least imo, but this is coming from mr im not in an alliance so im bitter KJSAFD). so anyway now that duncan is not a viable ally anymore, i need to solidify the other connections... and i think adam and autumn are the move. adam is clearly just desperate for allies and while he is over-eager, i think he is earnest so ill stop being paranoid about him. autumn is just a queen and a goddess so im gonna stick with her too... liam is lovely too... i just want duncan OUTTTTTTTTTTT he will not get away with this, i am the meddling kid(s) who will ruin his plans... will duncan go to the end as the gamebot leader... well... https://gph.is/2dmg9hV

also can i just say i love tj?! like i sent duncan very similar messages about feeling like i've been out of it, and the difference in their responses is remarkable: tj: I think everyone understands that you haven't been 100% the last few days, so I doubt anyone is going to fault you for that. And everyone knows that it's a game, real life does come first. like... sweet, supportive without being patronising? validating duncan: and i don't think things have really kicked off over here yet, i think its going to be an "easy vote" but we'll see what happens duncan.... immediately to game, almost his own conversation... i'm... over it?

well we have tribal in just a few hours, and tonight it's gonna be pretty clear cut in the sense that, ill finally have answers because um it's either gonna be me or connor ive been doing my best to lead this smear campaign against him, only because he made the wrong move by coming for me first and continuing to lie to my face about it so at this point i wish i felt bad but i dont. I could be completely delusional but I do think it's working because people have come to ME first and said they want to vote connor, because of both what i was saying and because he just hasnt been talking to many people besides right after the challenge so like... people can see how transparent that is pls also because MULTIPLE people have approached me first today telling me he plans on voting me out so unless they're specializing in some hardcore reverse psychology...i think i have a shot at it being 7-1 connor but once again i literally could be being made out to be a whole ass goof and not even know. or even worst have got all the numbers on my side but then get idol'ed out fdhaskj both very likely scenarios because things never seem this easy in this game ive been trying my best to get to know people and i feel like im slowly connecting more with some of them, so i guess tonight at tribal will be a test on those relationships because all the people ive been talking to will either, believe me, trust me, and wanna play with me, or theyre gonna listen to connor and vote me out, and honestly if they vote me out over him then i completely deserve to go home because clearly im doing something wrong my biggest fear is im hoping i havent come off too strong trying to play by painting this narrative of the old hathor's and connor being so against me, because while yes obviously i want connor gone for my own reasons, the trick is i dont want people to think im leading a charge against him (even tho i absolutely am) because i dont want that kinda target on me but truly who the fuck knows, i could very well go home but idk. this game is like walking into a serial killer convention and trying to stay alive, that's how i feel like im putting my faith in the hands of killers, it's making a bitch shook so i guess we'll see but in a perfect world..... connor will leave....which may look bad because of old tribe lines, but im really trying to wor any magic i have to where me being the only beauty on this tribe would be beneficial for me to hopefully be sought after by any brawns or brains, but if you ask me old tribe lines are about to be nonexistent. even though there will be 4 brawns next round, ive been trying to connect to some of them in the hopes that theyll ditch any old alliance they have to work with me but only time will tell so um yeah keep me in your thoughts and prayers pls

Not gonna lie, I haven't done much of anything this round but I don't mind it! Sometimes I just wanna be a lazy bitch yknow? But yeah, Thoth FINALLY beat its 0 challenge wins curse and we won immunity which I am thankful for given tribal would've been extremely messy? With the Kendall vote last round (which I think was Jakey or Jakey telling Dan to do so), who knows what would've been the outcome! Yay for safety <3

hiiiii no video because i no longer want to do them. let the record show that i was the 1st to say adam's name, if he goes, i did that. if i go, i did that.

i didn't make a confessional this round and tribal is about to start! im going to expect connor to go but this would be a shitty last confessional if i go home tonight. I'm hoping to establish trust within this new tribe. Wish me luck! XOXO Gossip Girl. also my dog just ate the cake i left on the counter >.> thats why im late.

I can't give y'all a real confessional right now cause Cagayan has me screaming but I believe Connor is going home 7-1 and I gave the green light to an alliance I plan on turning on whew so see y'all soon

So basically, tribal happened, beauties lost a number unanimously, theres pros and cons to this. Pros: ppl think the idol left, beauty is less threatening, we show loyalty to more people and build relationships. Bad: someone lied. that kendall throw away vote was to ensure a beauty went home in case aj played an idol, and everyone claims it wasnt them, so someone on this tribe has a case of the LIE-ABETES. * anyway, here is Shit I learned today aka dirt on ppl: 🎃Devon - told me that dan was afraid of an all beauties thing 🎃Jakey - told me dan Ali him and Jordan were a majority - told me Ali has the idol - told me Ali is a rat who warned lovelis - called Adam annoying and ugly - said he wants Devon out next - thinks Devon voted kendall 🎃 scott - told me Devon screwed him over and got himself voted out on brains - told me autumn and Duncan are a duo 🎃 Dan - told jakey that he thinks the brains tribe voted kendall to divide beauty and brawn 🎃 kendall - hidden secret alliance with Jakey - hates dan 🎃 augusto - super close with Devon - wants to blindside Jakey - thinks Jakey is the kendall vote

#BackWithVengeance

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happys-crazy-queen22 · 7 years

Text

Trust

Request by Anon. Hope you like it. WARNING- Talk of Child abuse.

Pulling up to your uncles work you got out of the cab and paid. You saw a guy with tattoos on his head. "Hey can you help me, I'm looking for a man named Alex Trager". "Oh you mean Tig, yeah hes in the club house I'll walk you in". "I'm Juan but you can call me Juice". "Y/N" You looked down at your shoes. Walking in the clubhouse the smell of booze, sex and smoke hit you. There was a bunch of guys sitting around talking to one another. "Hey Tig you have a visitor" Juice called out "Who the hell is....Y/N your here Doll". He bear hugged you swirling you around. "Hey Uncle Tig, please put me down I can't breath. You laughed "Its great to see you girl". "Been along time". He smiled raking a piece of hair from your eyes. "Yeah it has, couldn't really go anywhere for awhile'. You frowned "Sorry about your stepdad, he was a big asshole anyway". "Yeah he was, mom moved so thats why I'm here". "I hope thats alright". "YES, your my favorite niece in the whole world". He hugged you again. "I'm your only niece Tig". You said smiling for the first time in a long time. "Umm, Tig you going to introduce us brother" A blond guy asked "Shit my bad, Y/N this is Jax our Pres and over there is Chibs the scots man with Bobby he's our brain of the club". He laughed. You met Juice and theres Happy with Kozik over there in the corner. Hap's our tattoo guy and you know dumbass". "Opies not here so you'll have to meet him later. "Nice to meet all of you". You said quietly. You were nervous with all these men looking at you. "Hey its ok, all these men are my brothers". Theres no need to be nervous". He scenced you were scared. "Is there a place were I can change and use the bathroom"? "Oh yea, you can use my room". He wrapped his arm around you and lead you to his dormroom. "You need anything or want anything"? He asked before he walked out. "No thanks I'm good". He closed the door as you let out a breath you didnt know you were holding. You changed and gave your self a pep talk.

Tig walked back in the main room. All the guys looked at him with faces of confusion . "Dude, you have a niece"? Jax questioned "Yeah, she's my brothers kid". He took a sip of his drink. "What's her story brother"? Happy spoke up "Umm, it complicated". "You need to tell them". Kozik piped out. "Alright, my brother was married to her mom and they had Y/N. She was 2 when they divorced. A year later her mom got remarried to a fucking psycho, not like us psycho". "When Y/N was 5 they moved and I never got to see her much". My brother told me everytime he saw her she had bruises, scratches and even a bit mark on her". "Her mom would make up some shit story that she fell". Then when she was 15 Y/N told her dad that he was hurting her in different ways, she wouldnt go in to detail but you can get the picture". So we both went insane at the idea and we beat the holy hell out of him and her mother was suppose to leave him but she lied. At 16 they moved again not tell us were she went to, next thing we knew she was in foster care because the dick brains mom and stepdad were making meth ". Then something happened in there and now she trust no man or women. I'm the only one left now that she trust". He sighed. "Holy shit brother thats alot". Jax said "How old is she now"? asked Bobby "She's 23 now". Tig rubbed hes forehead "Where she been for 7 years"? Juices asked "Um I think with her mom after she got out of foster care her mom got out too and went to find Y/N. So Y/N went back to her, then about two years later her stepdad got out and he lived with them but recently he passaway from unknown causes". Tig smirked "You have something to do with the cause Tig". Jax asked "Maybe, just dont tell Y/N that I told you all". He pleaded "We wont have too". Chibs pointed to you standing in the hall way. "Shit doll I'm sorry". You ran over to him and hugged him tightly. "Thank you Uncle Tiggy". Tig was in shock " I'm sorry I couldnt keep you safe for all those years". He teared up "I'm ok Tig I promise, it made me who I am today". you cried out He pulled back wiping the tears from his eyes. "We need to throw you a party". "No no party". You said shaking you head. "Ahh come on, you will like this one". " If anyone gets handys I'm cutting them out". "You wont need too". Happy stood up and walked over to you. "I'll stay with you the whole night just to make sure". Umm I dont know". you bit your lip "Doll, you will be in great hands I promise". Tig reasured you. "Alright lets get this party started". you laughed Before you knew it, there were women everywhere getting stuff done. You tried to help but they shood you away. You saw Happy sitting in a chair watching you. It was kinda creepy but you did feel safe. "Hey Happy, you know you dont have to watch me every moment you know". You sat down beside him "I told you and Tig that I would". He threw back his shot. "You want one"? "Um.. sure, never drank before so here goes nothing". You sipped it and nearly died from the stronge fire in your throat. You coughed and gagged. Happy laughed "Maybe I'll just stick to soda". You croaked out "You probably should". He smiled He smiled, he had a great smile. You were starting to like him even trust him. "I'm sorry that you had to go through all that as a child". He shot another one down "Thanks, but everyone has a missed up part in their life mine just happened when my life was just beginning". "I know I do but its not like yous"."If I had know you back then I would have taken care of you stepdad myself". He said angryly "Happy can we just stop talking about the past and get on to the present". You put your hand on his shoulder laying your head down on your arm smiling up at him. "I think that shot was a bad idea" Happy laughed "Yea me too, I'll be right back". You said rushing to the bathroom You pushed the door open and went straight for the toliet. Throw up was everywhere, you missed to bowl. "Shit". You found paper towels and cleaned up. You washed out your mouth thinking that will never happen again. On your way out there was a guy starring at you with a creepy grin. You walked past him and he grabbed your arm "Hey there little missy, how about we go back to the bathroom and have some fun". "Fuck off". You spit out "Listen hear, you little biker whore. I came here to have a good time so your going to do as I say". You slapped his arm away, started to walk away as he came up behind you grabbing your hair. You elbowed him in the gut and turned around to punch him in the face with a foot to the groin. He laid on the floor holding his crouch. As the guys came running up. "What the hell happened"? Tig asked "Your little friend here grabbed me and told me I had to do everything he wanted, so I kicked his balls in". You smiled proudly "Way to go Dollface". Tig kissed the side of your head. "Come on you rat bastard". Chibs picked up the guy with help from Juice "Take him to the garage and make him comfortable" Happy snarled "I'll be there soon". "You did good Little Girl, I'm proud" Happy hugged you "Im gonna go see to our little friend" Tig walked off "Save some for me" Happy yelled "Where were you"? you asked Happy "I was right there, I didnt see you come out and then there was commotion but I didnt think it was you" " I want to trust you Happy, but I cant". "I'm going to earn it back I promise, no one will every hurt you again with me around". "So I should get use to having you around huh"? You looked up at his dark eyes "Yeah, I aint going no where". "Don't even think of running to Tig hes cool with it". "Good, I thought I would have to smack some since in that Uncle of mine" you laughed He pulled you close kissing your lips. Happy proved himself that you could trust him. In the beinnging life was a messed up fuck show but the future was a blessing with dark eyes and a tattooed soul

#happy lowman #happy lowman imagine #tig trager #sons of anarchy #happys-crazy-queen22

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