#i get dreams sometimes of looking at or finding video games that. subconsciously. i know arent real games.

[skeletalheartattack]

i just had a dream where i had been yard sale shopping at someones house, and they had this big cardboard box full of N64 games, and on the box had the writing "3 games have water damage" and listed the serial numbers for each cartridge rather than listing the names. anyway i don't remember a lot of the cartridges names beyond one clearly being "Super Mario 64 DS", which even in the dream i was confused by. within the box was another mario title that was similar to mario pinball and mario golf, and came with a miniature set you had to put together and included little fence posts you had to click into the board to ensure the marble wouldn't fall out during play.

anyway so im curious about a lot of these N64 games, since ive never heard of them, and i wanted to see if they were custom or bootlegs. a seperate family at the sale is looking at a miniature house of sorts as im pulling out my phone to look up the names of these games. im not even able to type anything in before i hear two giant concrete cylinders hit the floor from just around the corner of the basement. that's right. the mother fucking waterwraith appeared

[lifenconcepts]

KWAZII HEADCANONS !!

Has a habit of snacking on other people’s snacks, it began accidentally but soon just turned into a subconscious little trick. 

Keeps a little book of fun pirate stories and beasts by his bed. 

Probably puts stuff under his bed so there isn’t any space for a monster to reside down there.

Ends up being the one who always takes the leading characters in video games, or the ones that most consider ‘better’.

Has an irrational fear of losing.

Probably enjoys betting outrageous things on very unlikely scenarios, such as willing to give up the rest of his ear to prove he can ‘totally’ find a super rare species that toootally exists.

Occasionally wears ear mufflers to sleep better as his ears pick up on more sound than the others and he can’t sleep when it’s noisy.

Hears the hum and buzz of electrical machinery.

Enjoys dim lighting.

Purrs when content.

Has tried to learn many languages and gave up on all of them, but does recall a few occasional words here and there from the most obscure languages possible (both from existing and long extinct ones).

Has incredibly realistic dreams and often comes awake fully believing that what he just experienced was real life and tend to casually make references to them when talking to the crew.

Liked colouring books.

Fantasises about getting transported into a sci-fi world.

Likes to sit or lay down in incredibly strange ways and spots, often finding the most uncomfortable of place comfy and taking naps in positions that make him look passed out.

Is apologetic whenever he scares some skiddish creature with his pirate tales and tries to calm them down as best as he can, often being a bit sad he has to admit they they’re not real (because other than that he whole heartedly believes some of his stories, even if most of them are for show and to get a fun situation going).

Occasionally bites the rain.

Loves to feel different textures and at times brings a bunch of random things into his room just to feel the bumps and ridges on them, from drift wood, to especially cool rocks, to uninhabited shells.

Liked to pretend he can roar, despite knowing full well it can’t intimidate anyone.

Has a spirit box and at times likes to pretend he’s a ghost-hunter.

Sometimes sits in the middle of a room with his eyes closed as he focuses his entire attention on what he hears, ears moving around his head as he takes a mental picture of all the noise that is present around him.

Has on countless occasions taken a random stick from a beach and waved it about with an imaginary opponent like a sword.

Hates flashing lights.

Has at times licked himself clean (and barnacles).

Is a storm chaser and commonly begs the crew to let him go out in the Gup-B whenever a warning pops up on the storm tracker. 

Likes to drink (non alcoholic) alcohol.

Stretches at basically every single opportunity he gets, wether he gets up from somewhere, sits down, goes somewhere new, is all settled up, or is in the middle of an adventure.

Wears a bullet on a necklace from one of the adventures he and calico jack had.

Is proud of himself and tends to not apologise for being himself or happy but does know when he crosses a boundary and deals with it accordingly, usually knowing what things are out of bounds for what people.

Likes to eat with his paws.

Has cool waterproof pirate stickers he loves to stick everywhere he goes and practically no place above not under the sea is safe from his tomfoolery.

Loved to crack his knuckles and spine but is incredibly assertive about not doing the same to his neck as he worried he might snap himself dead that way.

Has atleast one missing tooth.

Secretly really wants a unicycle

P.S I won’t be making any age/sexuality/show related headcanons but rather stuff that fits their personality. ALSO THEY ALL HAVE AUTISM. ALSO THEY ALL HUM TUNES.

Source? I said so. I am litterally going off nothing from the show apart from the vibe :3

[ozimaniac]

[A Character Analysis of Zen]

Now that we have Zen’s birthday date and know that his zodiac sign is cancer, I just want to look at some characteristics. (Because I’m guessing that these dates were picked for a reason and not just random.) I Also want to talk about his past and why he is so avoidant about it. Even if I just end up pointlessly rambling about it, with no clear conclusion, because we just don’t know yet.

I will now infodump. A lot.

So a main characteristic of cancers is that they are closed off or seem distant at first. Cancers hold back on revealing their thoughts, therefore they come off as mysterious and not easy to approach. They also try to avoid confrontation. They retreat into their “shells” if they are uncomfortable and they like to brood.

Nonetheless they are very caring and protective about their family and friends. They might put the comfort of others before their own. They have the tendency to be self-sacrificing.

I think this description fits Zen well. His character seems calm and at peace with himself at first, but slowly you realise that there are underlying insecurities and you don’t really know what he is thinking. Ow2 actually gave us some voice lines that make it more clear that he isn’t a perfect individual, that reached complete inner peace. He has struggles of his own.

I also saw “dislikes revealing of personal life”, which is really accurate. He has always been really mysterious, especially about his past. This is noticeable in the interaction with Rein and Genji, where Rein asks him “What did you do? You know, before the Crisis?” And he will give different responses, that are kind of short, silly or underwhelming, and it’s implied that he isn’t telling the entire truth. Let me list the following responses:

“I served coffee.”

“I collected payments at a laser tag arena.”

“I was a lifeguard at a water park.”

“I drove a tractor.”

These are pretty ordinary jobs, and I don’t doubt that he worked these jobs. (Except for the lifeguard one maybe, he doesn’t look very waterproof.) So I don’t think that he is lying.. but that doesn’t mean that he isn’t hiding something.

There is also a line, that I think has been cut out of the game, because I only found it in one video.

“I massaged sheep on a free range pasture.”

(Now that’s a dream job. But seriously.. I almost thought I went insane and made it up, because it was really hard to find.)

Then Rein asks “Is that true?” and Genji says “He won’t tell me either.” (Ram also says something similar.) So although he has a close relationship with Genji, he still won’t reveal what happened in his past. And this obviously makes me think that something bad happened, and that he is uncomfortable talking about it.

He also has a line that goes “My memories before the awakening are blurry, but I do remember some things.” and he doesn’t elaborate further.

It could be that he legitimately doesn’t remember a lot before the awakening, and this makes him feel really insecure. Gaining sentience as an omnics and trying to uncover those memories from the past, is probably like thinking about your first memories when you were a child. You might only remember snippets, and you might not be able to recall memories from a certain age. It could also be that some trauma has caused him to repress certain memories about his past and he feels subconsciously uncomfortable about it, which leads to avoidant behaviour, which might be his coping mechanism. Or he does remember his trauma and he is purposefully avoiding it, to not make the people around him uncomfortable or bring the mood down.

Zen’s current self is introverted, wise and sometimes witty. He went through a journey of self healing to get where he is now. So if I had to imagine what he used to be like in the past, then I’m picturing a quiet, oblivious and maybe anxious character. In the story with Symmetra he said that he used to have difficulty understanding certain phrases, which has some parallels to an autistic experience, like Symmetra’s.

His insecurities also shine through in some other voice lines. Like when he talks about his favourite animal, ants. He says “I envy ants for their clarity of purpose.” Although Zen seems quite accomplished, he still lacks purpose in his own eyes. There is also an interaction with Zarya where she asks if he dreams, and Zen answers with “I dream of peace. And, sometimes, falling.” Falling in dreams represents a lack of control over a situation or your life. Also feelings of anxiety or helplessness. 

Tw: trauma and bullying.

Ok so, what was his past like before the crisis.

First I want to look at Zen’s model. He is just an average, humanoid looking omnic. What we saw from Genesis, is that omnics like him were created for various odd jobs. We saw them being cooks or caretakers or servants.

And it’s not hard to imagine that those omnics faced a lot of mistreatment if they made mistakes. It would have been easy for humans to blame omnics and just treat them like objects, and bully them verbally or physically.

If you get bullied early on in your life, it’s likely that this will affect you throughout your life. So even if Zen wasn’t “awakened” yet, he still states that he remembers some things, and that mistreatment could explain his current, closed off self. When he is approached or asked things, he doesn’t say a lot and that could be learned behaviour, and a self defense mechanism. He also uses a lot of wisdoms and phrases that might seem impersonal, at least to strangers. (This could also be a masking behaviour.)

I can also imagine that omnics worked isolating jobs, which humans might avoid. (I’m picturing working in a closed off small space with repetitive tasks or no social interactions. Maybe a factory setting.) And this kind of job could get really lonely and boring. Once again, this could have led him to be more closed off, if he worked in that kind of environment.

Why would he keep this a secret though? Well, maybe it’s just not worth talking about. Sometimes the truth is boring, and the biggest fear is to disappoint. (This is less likely though, because he seems very intent to not tell anyone the details. So it’s probably something more serious that happened, like I mentioned before.)

Instead of being a victim, could Zen have been the aggressor? I think that’s unlikely, because it’s about his past before the crisis. Before the awakening. Most likely he did as he was told, because he didn’t have that level of autonomy yet. This also means that people were able to easily take advantage of him. If people mistreated him, then he had to just accept that, because that was his programming. Also I just don’t see Zen as being aggressive.

Well, anyway that was it!

I got sidetracked a lot on other thoughts, but I wanted to write about Zen’s past for a long time. His zodiac sign just gave me some confirmation about what I was initially thinking.

[smolhoneybat]

hi! i've been a fan for quite a while. i really admire how you seem to articulate, i found myself becoming more introspective with every video. also it's really nice to see someone talking about games and series i really love. aside from that, i wanted to ask if you had any recommendations like games, books, shows, movies?

hi hi!! thank you so much, pinning the words down is hard but worth it haha 💛

Ooh I have so many... obviously there's the games and shows I've talked about on my channel but standouts would have to be Darkwood, Nier Automata and Arcane but ALSO

Games: -A Space for the Unbound: chill fetch quests in a small town in rural Indonesia, finish your summer bucket list with your gf, pet cats, dive into the subconsciousnesses of your neighbours!

-Ender Lilies: metroidvania platformer with some tight controls like Hollow Knight, gorgeous artwork and music, you play as Lily, a young amnesiac priestess trying to purify the spirits of the dead and stop the plague ridden rain that won't stop falling, you're small and weak but you recruit different spirits to fight with you but it never feels overwhelming or bloated, really enjoyed it

-Signalis: survival horror as an android looking for her gf, she made a promise and she's going. to. fulfil. it. Dystopian future in space with lots of good old rusty machine body horror, strange senses of time and memory and there's some puzzles in there too.

-Sunless Sea: Victorian London was moved underground by bats. Don't worry about it. Go sail the seas and try and turn a profit without losing your mind from the Horrors ^.^ (deceptively a lot of reading in this, plays like a management sim meets VN)

-Omori: 4 years ago Something happened. Omori dreams his days away in his room, carefully not thinking about that Something. Some of the game is in his colourful dream worlds and some out in the real world. Fights are always tinged with emotional rock paper scissors as how you, your friends and enemies feel will affect the fight! He's about to move house and an old friend comes knocking on the door...

(-alsoPathologicisgoodyesI'moneofthoseyoutubers)

Books: -Va11-Hall-A: I...don't know whether to put a VN under games or books so I'm putting it between the two. You're a barista in a cyberpunk kinda world, you listen to patrons while making them drinks and chat. (It's chill but sometimes gets pretty heavy and has a lot of mature topics in it for the record.) -Deathless by Cathrynne M. Valente: an alternate history book that has one foot in the Russian Revolution and the other in fairytale. Marya Morevna marries Koschei the Deathless, and goes back to his kingdom. She makes friends with various folklore creatures, checks in on her sisters who all married birds and her old and new lives begin to collide.

-The Locked Tomb trilogy by Tamsyn Muir: sci-fi necromancers vie to become the next right bony hand of God, first book is a murder mystery, second is a grim tale by a survivor of the first but something is Wrong and you know it is, third is an oddly domestic political tragedy and I loved them all so much, cannot recommend the audiobooks in particular enough (as the first is a murder mystery, all the voices the narrator does are both incredibly well done but let me pinpoint exactly who was speaking even when I couldn't remember their names, also she voiced Daniella in Haunting Ground!)

-The Gentleman Bastards series by Scott Lynch: small orphan becomes a conman in fantasy Italy. Ends up being drawn into some political intrigue and fucks around finds out, frequently!

-Children of Time: Spiders! Once upon a time an arrogant scientist decided to infect monkey with a virus that would encourage rapid evolution within cooperative species but...it reaches jumping spiders. They have their own form of sign language with vibrational tappy patterns against the ground and wiggling their palps! Scientist's consciousness has melded with an AI and is waiting for her monkeys to become intelligent enough to contact her

Misc: -Dungeon Meshi: do you want to learn about the ecosystem of a dungeon while also figuring out how to cook the creatures inside and watch a guy with a monster special interest live his absolute best life? Yeah you do! (I'm really enjoying this rn so ye)

-Mabel: podcast about a home health carer for an old lady who's only living relative, Mabel, is missing. Anna, the nurse, starts leaving her voicemails like a diary and slowly gets drawn into family secrets, fairy logic and goes exploring places she shouldn't (this one does not shy away from heavy topics including serious child abuse and its effects so if that's not for you then leave this one be)

[catwithangerissues]

Haikyuu Polyship hc’s!

♚ Hey hey hey! Welcome to a little collab that @tetsurocking and I have been working on for a few weeks now! Like two but still. We each chose three different couples and wrote headcanons about a poly relationship with them!

♚ My three!: Suna x Osamu x Reader! Tendo x Ushijima x Reader! And Futakuchi x Shirabu x Reader!

♚ Make sure to check out the three couples J wrote about over on her page! I promise you’ll find some stuff ya like😉 ‘I think about polyships too much for a monogamous bitch’ -J 😂 Anyways, enjoy!

♚ Warnings: Should be none! Although I reference high school in the past, everyone involved is aged up!

Suna x Osamu x Reader Poly!

✧ When you guys were in high school, Rinta would always send you videos of Osamu and him at practice; sometimes they were videos of the twins fighting, some were of them doing little tricks with the ball to get your praise, and some were just of them waving/saying they missed you

✧ They tend to spam your little group chat with memes while you’re at work or school, and sometimes they just spam you for attention <3

✧ They both really like it when you wear their clothing. Sometimes they get pouty if you wear one shirt or the other, but they never genuinely mind. In addition to this, they basically share a wardrobe. Is that Suna’s shirt or Samu’s? They don’t even know 🤷🏻‍♀️

✧ Suna probably sends you two pictures of the ugliest things he sees in a day and and puts a caption like « haha that’s you two. » that’s it. He probably doesn’t even bother to put a period at the end (Thanks for this one, Alma!)

✧ Suna takes tons of pictures with/of the two of you, and he changes his lockscreen background pretty often because of it. His favorite pictures are the ones he takes without you two noticing, hehehe

✧ These two are both really great drivers and they’re very smug about it. Food for thought 😌

✧ When you’re grocery shopping, they probably start eating what’s in the cart before you’re even out of the store.

✧ In addition to grocery shopping, don’t even TRY to tell Osamu one brand of a certain ingredient or food is better than another, he will throw a Miya Twin hissy fit™️ lmao

✧ They both keep extras of anything any of you may need in their cars. Period stuff if you’re someone who has one, hygiene products like deodorant and an extra shirt for Suna after practice, snacks for Osamu cause the poor boy always wants to eat in the car, etc.

✧ They both like to tease, but in reality they’re big softies for you. Want cuddles? Rinta is always flopping down on top of you once you sit on the couch. Need a back or shoulder massage? You don’t even have to ask Osamu at this point, he does it subconsciously.

✧ Suna prefers dates at home, lounging around and cuddled up, movie nights, dinner dates, etc. Osamu prefers lazy errand days. Going grocery shopping, cleaning the house together, dropping something off to Atsumu or grabbing lunch on the way home, he enjoys the domesticity of life with the two of you.

✧ DOING THEIR HAIR. Styling Suna’s hair for him in the morning or helping Osamu touch up his color before he goes back to brown.

✧ Holiday decorating, birthdays, and anniversaries are always fun with these two. To others, they’re relatively reserved, with a few sarcastic comments to spare *cough cough* we all know who I mean- But to you, they’re rambunctious and sweet. Making stupid jokes to see you laugh, babying you, all the like.

✧ Someone picking on you or getting a little too friendly? No need to worry, your two tall ass, intimidating boyfriends have your back. Suna is more of the- glare daggers at them until they get the hint- kinda person, but Osamu is definitely the- throw my arm around my partner and tell the other person to back off- one.

✧ Going to Suna’s games with Osamu to support him! Osamu once pretended to be a fan and asked for his autograph, and when Suna just looked him dead in the face and kisses him everyone around lost their minds.

✧ You and Suna visiting Osamu at work and bringing him lunch so he doesn’t have to make it himself! He has pictures of you three in his office too <3

✧ The boys visiting you at work/school saying it’s to playfully embarrass you, but usually it’s something like; bringing you lunch, coming to pick you up for a spontaneous date/adventure after you clock out, or just coming to sit in your office and bug you for a little while to get your mind off of work.

✧ They are both pretty possessive, but aren’t controlling. They just like to hold you, though Suna is the more reserved one of the boys when it comes to pda.

✧ ^That said, they like to show you off- a lot. Showing pictures of you or the other boy to their coworkers and teammates is a favorite of theirs.

✧ Whatever hobbies you’re into, they like to sit and watch you do. Reading, cooking (with Osamu?😌), baking, art, music, video games, etc. They just love to watch you do your craft! You’re so supportive of them and their dreams, the things they love, they try to repay the favor any chance they get.

✧ Suna is definitely one to just sit his head on your lap or shoulder and listen to you talk all day about something you love <3

Tendo x Ushijima x Reader Poly!

✧ Tendo has a massive collection of hoodies and he loves it when you two wear them. It makes him so happy to see you guys in something that’s his, a physical symbol that you two want people to know you’re with him.

✧ Both very affectionate partners, in their own ways. vv

✧ ^Tendo wasn’t very fond of pda at first, more so he wasn’t comfortable with it because he thought you two would be embarrassed to be seen with him. Once he found out you two weren’t embarrassed of him and wanted to show others your relationship, he was all for it! Usually likes to hold your hands or lean on one of you.

✧ ^Ushijima is more subtle with his affection, not because he’s scared or embarrassed, just that he prefers to do it in private. He knows you two know he loves you, so he doesn’t really see the need to be all over you in public. But in private? That man is always hugging you or nuzzling into your shoulder- he’s like a giant teddy bear.

✧ Ushijima loves to do all the domestic shit with you two. Cooking, cleaning the house, running errands. He’s just a sucker for feeling like a lil family with his two cuties.

✧ Tendo loves to plan the dates! Though if you want to, he’ll gladly let you! He likes to plan little day adventures for the three of you, whenever Toshi doesn’t have practice or training!

✧ Tendo likes to have his nails painted by you, and Ushijima likes to watch you two <3

✧ Matching nails with Tendo??? Mhm😌

✧ Protective boyfies! Let’s be honest here, it’s unlikely you’re gonna have too many problems with these two giants standing next to you. But if there ever is one, they definitely scare off whoever is bugging you quickly.

✧ These two are some of the most comforting people on here. They both had their share of not so great things happen to them growing up, Tendo being bullied and Ushijima basically being treated like a brute. The two of them became really good at comforting people, knowing how it feels to not have someone there to comfort you when you needed it.

✧ They’re big on cuddling to begin with, but if you’re ever sad or stressed? Prepare for Tendo making a pillow fort and Ushijima baking your favorite treats. These two are incredibly supportive and comforting when you need them <3

✧ Ushijima once got so fed up with Tendo being a little brat, he threw him onto his shoulder and walked around the house like that for a good half hour. Tendo thought it was hilarious and so did you

✧ Speaking of, he seems to really enjoy carrying the two of you around at random times. Piggyback rides, bridal style, or just like a koala clinging to him, he loves it.

✧ Tendo can sense a mood change in the two of you like it’s nothin. Seriously, the guy just knows when something is bugging either of you.

✧ The boys definitely ask if they can get a pet when you move in together. Tendo has a long list of crazy animals and Ushijima keeps suggesting a hedgehog for some reason.

✧ Regardless of what you decide on, you know these two are going to treat your pet like their baby. They’re going to spoil tf outta that little fella. 100% Tendo takes a million photos of them everyday. Ushijima doesn’t baby talk, he just talks to them normally about random things like volleyball and it’s pretty comical.

✧ Visiting Tendo at his chocolatier shop! He usually has very long days, and gets extremely happy when you two pop in to see him. Please bring this baby some lunch or dinner, he’s not a big eater and often forgets too. He has pictures of the three of you in his office too <3

✧ Watching Ushijima’s games and practices! This boy can’t get enough of the praise you and Tendo offer him! He loves seeing you sport his jersey with his name on the back, and he says seeing you two in the stands at practice or during a game really helps his focus?

✧ If you’re someone who has a period, these two are so sweet and thoughtful to ya. Tendo always makes the best chocolate, and Ushijima is basically a walking heater, he runs you hot baths too! Both handle mood swings very well and always make sure the pain meds are stocked in the house. 10/10 boyfies

✧ Please let Ushijima have as many house plants as he wants. He loves them and names each of them, he’s let you and Tendo name some before too! Catch this big teddy bear talking to his plants while he repots or waters them and your heart will melt </3

Futakuchi x Shirabu x Reader Poly!

✧ Salty, sarcastic, teasy boyfies- if you’re easily flustered, prepare yourself, they are going to use it against you. Calling you nicknames and saying things they know will make you start to stutter at any chance they get. (Lookin at you, Futakuchi) (please don’t think I’m making fun of people with a stutter, I have one myself.)

✧ Very protective, though they may not show it as often as some others do. Someone messing with you? You bet they’re next to you in an instant- offering several sarcastic remarks and a menacing glare from Shirabu, Futakuchi throwing an arm around you and bending down to the creeps level to further the intimidation.

✧ Both very comforting partners, if you’re feeling anxious or upset they’ll gladly take you into a big cuddle pile. Petting your hair or cheek, and telling you all the sweet things they can think of to see you smile.

✧ ^ Shirabu picks up on your insecurities very easily, especially if they’re similar to his own, and helps you learn to cope with and improve your mental health. Futakuchi has a gift for comforting people, always knowing what to say to make you feel 100x better about yourself or anything that’s bugging you <3

✧ Let’s not even get into what they’d say or do to the person if someone hurt your feelings, let alone made you cry. We’ll leave that to your imagination.

✧ Very competitive with each other. They constantly play fight for your attention, making comments about who’s shirt you wore today or who you ate lunch with- but it’s all in good fun.

✧ Futakuchi is a sly bastard, he really loves to fluster and tease tf outta you and Shirabae. For example: When Jirou gets mad at Kenji, Futakuchi just calls him his pretty boy or compliments how cute he looks when he’s angry and Shirabu becomes a complete flustered, stuttering mess.

✧ Going to visit Shirabu at work and/or bring him lunch! He doesn’t like to admit it, but he really does appreciate when you two come to visit and eat with him, especially during long shifts where he doesn’t get to see or talk to you two very much. He always becomes a blushy mess, waving off his coworkers with a glare when they comment on it- or when Futakuchi points it out

✧ Going to watch Futakuchi’s games! He’s very open with his appreciation for the two of you coming to watch his games! Either of you wear an extra jersey of his and it’s game on. He’s mindful to ask if you’re okay with hugs after, since he’s usually pretty sweaty, though.

✧ Of the two of them, Shirabu is the more perceptive one. He can easily pick up on any of the changes in mood the two of you may have, and it makes it easier to solve any issues you may have, rather quickly.

✧ In your relationship, Shirabu also gets frustrated the easiest. Whether it be with himself or the stresses of work and school, he finds himself getting frustrated and overwhelmed rather easily.

✧ You and Futakuchi are masters at calming him down by now, pulling him into a cuddle with lots of affirmation and he feels better in no time, offering to help with his work and take a bit of the load off cheers him up quite a bit too.

✧ Your boys are both very loving and cuddly when sleepy.

✧ Both getting overwhelming soft when you’re being cute, they just start to overload. Whenever you do anything remotely adorable, they can’t help but dote on you. SOFT BOI HOURS

✧ HEAD PATS! That is all. :)

✧ Futakuchi is the type to kiss you hard during an argument while Shirabu is the type to sulk and then come over to you later that night asking to cuddle.

✧ Random hc, but Futakuchi’s car is a fucking mess, I just know it.

✧ Saw this somewhere else, but it fits him! Futakuchi says yes ma’am/sir with a huge shit eating grin.

✧ You three have a good system when it comes to planning dates, taking turns every week or so, although Shirabu tends to prefer slow days/nights at home, given his busy(er) schedule.

✧ Another random hc, but I think Futakuchi has some sort of energy drink addiction and Shirabu is constantly nagging him about cutting it out of his diet because he aggressively cares for that boy.

✧ “Stop drinking that, idiot. It’s bad for you.” “Aww, Jirou~ are you worried about me?” “Shut up,,”

♚ Hope you enjoyed our little collab! Go check out @tetsurocking ’s part on her page! Believe me- it’s good😭 be warned! It does have nsfw content! Mine was gonna but some of you can’t follow rules😤

Taglist: @sunalma @toworuu @lovie-and-co (for your boys😌)

[a-quiet-borderline-diary]

I have grown tired of the same old song and dance

People always act so hurt when they find out that I just view them as an audience...

But why would I view them as anything more when they just view me as a source of entertainment.

I give them something to look at, to gossip about.

I have these feelings in me of resentment when people are attracted to my image, even though I am responsible for creating my image myself.

I resent them for never bothering to look deeper.

They like my style, they like my body, they like how exciting I can be.

They like to psychoanalyze me, they study me.

They talk about me as if I am a medical subject to them even though they only took one psychology class in college.

I'm just so interesting, a character. They want to know what I'm doing. They want to see what I look like. Constantly changing. Hair dye, plastic surgery, rapid weight loss and weight gain.

I'm truly a spectacle to many people, I'm sure.

They act so offended that I view them all as nothing but spectators

I am not thankful for your interest

I am not flattered that you find me exciting, I'm acting manic and I only socialize when I'm binge drinking

You think I'm pretty? I want to customize myself like a video game character. I don't care if you like it, it's my character anyway so all that matters is that I look how I want to look

I am not impressed by praise to my outward appearance, despite how it may seem that I dress for attention.

Sometimes I think I am subconsciously setting a trap. I am always generating a self fulfilling prophecy in which I purposefully doll myself up to stand out, only to anger myself when people only approach me when I look visually appealing.

Over time, I have become more private. I don't post my thoughts publicly as much anymore. I don't tell many people any information about what is going on in my life anymore. (this is an anonymous diary so this does not count 🤪)

When I used to post about that stuff on Facebook, I think it made a lot of people feel like they knew me.

They really didn't. I'm not going to give that to people around me anymore.

They thought they were my friends, but they were just an audience to someone they don't even really know.

But is it really my fault if people take shallow slivers of information about me and convince themselves that they actually know me just from that?

No one was hitting me up

No one invited me unless it was a fucking party. Where I can be a spectacle once again.

No invites one on one.

No small get-togethers.

No deep conversations.

Me oversharing when I binge drink doesn't replace laying in bed and talking about our dreams until 4am.

None of them were fucking friends and they deserve to be reduced to numbers.

Well I don't even want them as numbers anymore.

I don't want empty validation. I don't want to be "known" by people I don't even care about anymore.

I am putting locks up. I'm setting passwords. You have to win my trust and my attention, or I won't give it to you at all.

I am probably regarded as self-absorbed. The "audience" may cry out about how I shouldn't isolate myself from them...

Or what? You'll have to find someone else to be your case study?

People who want to get along with as many people as possible are worse than people who are ornery and asocial.

I despise people who value networking and popularity over finding a few people in this world who are actually deeply special to them.

A bunch of shallow connections are worthless to me.

I know I have to play nice in some settings, and just be a little friendly. Just be polite. But it drains me to pretend. It drains me so much

I find more comfort being alone or with my partner. Being with him has the comfort of being alone without feeling lonely.

If I were to die and only a few people knew me well enough to mourn me, I would be ok with that. I do not care if I leave anything behind. I have no children, no legacy.

I just want to exist, enjoy myself, and find a few people that bring me comfort and joy.

I do not feel much shame for how much I prioritize the self.

Men do it all the time. They follow their dreams. They don't have to be dragged down by parenting, that can be left to the mother. They are encouraged to realize their potential, look within, understand themselves and know what they want in life. It's OK for men to care more about making money than being parents and serving others.

Maybe I should have been born a man. But to be honest, my mother raised me equally to my brothers. I don't think she intended to influence me to reject motherhood, but I know deep down she always wished she could have focused on her education and hobbies.

She did everything. All my dad had to do was go to work and come home and watch TV. Although she did love him, she seems to have found freedom in having her children grow into adults. When my dad died, she finally started focusing on her hobbies and her goals. That is what she always wanted.

I do not feel like I am more selfish for refusing to have children and go straight to self growth as if I am a man. I think she wishes she had the option to, but I was born. I wasn't even unplanned.

I think she just always thought that is what her life's purpose was supposed to be as a woman. She had to be a mother.

I get enough mother feelings just from having some lazy, low-maintenance pets. I do not like children. I hate their screams, and I hate what they would represent if I had any. I know that deep down, I would feel like a child is an obligation that would take my freedom away. To be a parent, specifically a mother, you can no longer prioritize the self. You must prioritize the children, the family.

But men can still develop as an individual. I resent them for that fact. And my mother did too.

I am fortunate that my spouse does not force me into a box or place gendered expectations in me. I do not think of him as a "man", though I still use male pronouns most of the time. I am the same way, I use female pronouns but I consider myself a rebellion to what it means to be a "woman" in many ways.

Although my appearance is feminine, I strongly reject feminine roles. I hate cooking, I dislike children, I struggle with chores and organization.

I enjoy studying, I enjoy work that intrigues me. I fight anyone who tells me to tone myself down. I would never submit to a partner that told me what to wear or how to act. How to talk. I would quickly resent anyone who openly criticized me for traits that I value in myself.

My mother used to tell me I should sit funny, or I look mentally ill. Well, I am fucking mentally ill. So I never stopped. (I do kind of regret my bad posture as I have gotten older due to the back pain though lol)

My mother raised me with such a contradictory theme. She raised me to be my authentic self and reject anyone who would bully me or try to dull my sparkle for it, but at the same time she would bully me herself as if she should be allowed to control me but no one else can.

I am very resistant to any personalities that resemble that about my mother. I always go fight or flight. I'm not completely avoidant, but sometimes I find that avoiding people like that is better than fighting because I will lash out and cause a scene when I feel someone is mirroring the treatment I received from my mother growing up. When I feel that someone has crossed a line, all bets are off and I can become cuttingly cruel. Merciless even.

I can get myself into trouble with my tendency to be vindictive and mean, but I rarely ever show that side of myself for no reason. The problem is, no one has sympathy for you when you execute someone for stealing a loaf of bread if you know what I'm saying. Sigh

Anyway that's a wrap I guess for my bedtime rambles. I am getting sleepy.

[polyhexian]

Christ almighty

Just woke up from the dumbest nightmare. I had like put together the last clue to realize my neighbors wife had murdered a guy and this whole thing and I called the police but for some fucking reason I couldn't keep my fucking mouth shut??? And I told my friends who were... There I guess. And also her husband. And also her. That I knew. Why? I do not know. Insane smugness. Subconscious commentary on my frustration with myself for constantly putting my foot in my mouth? Who knows. So then I don't know why I insisted on. Staying home. While she was like. Across the street. And so I'm in bed and I keep nervously looking at the door and thinking hnnnngh I shouldn't have done that why did I do that. And then I get up to listen at the door and idk my dad was there and he was like hey you're dumb you and your friends should take the car and get out of here so we did but she did end up finding us and I got stabbed with a kitchen knife. And then looper logic kicked in because sometimes I get caught in video game style logic loops in dreams, and this time I tried just running out of the house screaming for help and she caught me again. Stab stab. Then the third time the police got there in time and she ended up like in a group home or something for mental health reasons? And I somehow ended up at the same one and she poisoned my mashed potatoes. And then finally the hum dinger. This time I'm in bed and I keep looking at the door and I'm nervous. But this time I'm actually like awake for real looking at my actual real life door. And I know I am dreaming. I haven't even lived in that neighborhood in years. This didn't happen. But you know, every time I close my eyes dream logic kicks in so I keep opening my eyes. Finally I roll over intent on sleeping and that is when. My stupid dumbass brain. I get a hypnogogic hallucination of someone moving on the bed and like an elbow pressing down in my lower back and I fucking hit the roof dude. I was flailing like a car dealership noodle man. I made a noise like a fucking sheep bleating. It was so stupid. And then I'm like Christ okay okay I'm up and now I am on my phone because I have to wait out the hypnogogia danger zone 🙄

[mammons-tax-returns]

How would the brothers react to a very punk goth Mc like platforms and all black and just the whole shebang he’s very nice but also will throw hands (there’s not enough male Mc your doing the good work my dude)

BROTHERS REACTING TO A GOTH/PUNK MC

Perfect way to start off the new blog !! Thank you for requesting, hope this is what you had in mind <3 (and that it’s not too apparent that i’m not super well versed in punk or goth culture ACK)

I hope that you guys don’t mind some being shorter than others, I’m still getting a hang of personalities!

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ♫ ⋅.} ───── ⊰

Lucifer is probably one of the ones that’s into the style from the very beginning.

As soon as he sees MC, his interest is clearly shown on his face.

Sometimes, he’ll drop compliments on his fashion. Depending on his reponses, he’ll start getting more apparent with just how much he enjoys seeing his outfit everyday.

GIFTS!! He’s not mammon level of stacks upon stacks of gift wrapped boxes, but he’ll certainly stop by your room every once in a while with a new accessory he saw while shopping.

MC will probably notice that he is especially keen on chokers :).

Stares discreetly, but consistently. When Lucifer invites him to listen to music in his room, he waits until MC is occupied with something like a book or the music. Then sneaks glances at him to see how his clothing moves every time he reaches over for something, or how the necklace he bought the other day glints in the light radiating off of the fireplace.

He knows that MC is nice, and grows increasingly more and more worried for his sake because of that. The exchange program is important, but his treasure perpetually adorned in black garbs is significantly more prominent in his concerns.

So when he sees MC readily defending himself against some low level demon with no hesitation? Holy fuck. He starts to panic, but there’s nothing surpressing his respect for him, as it only grows stronger.

Although, it becomes very apparent that he’d have to do something about all of his brothers’ staring at MC.

Mammon is so into it. Like... So into it.

We all know and love that our tsundere boy has a problem with getting embarrassed, but how could he NOT get flustered everytime he’s face to face with an alternative KING

At first, he actually tries to tell MC how much he appreciates his aesthetic, but fails every time. Stuttering is a difficult thing to overcome when you can barely breathe out of embarrassment.

When he finally brings himself to actually get a compliment out, it’s accompanied with his signature bashful look. Downcast gaze and shifting posture and everything.

Upon recieving a positive response to his words, he takes it as a sign that he should start doing it more often. And so... That’s exactly what he does!

Compliments upon compliments, expensive outfits and accessories finding their way into his room, MC gets it all.

He ADORES the nice personality. So really. This MC is one of the people that Mammon can’t help but get along with. Nice, can throw hands, AND IS FASHIONABLE? Now you’re speaking his language.

They definitely get called a model power couple, even if MC isn’t a model.

Will definitely mention the idea of MC doing a photoshoot with him for work, but won’t press further if he says he’s not comfortable with it.

Levi geeks out so badly

So yeah, his initial interest in MC is kickstarted by his fashion reminding him of a badass video game character, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t appreciate him for who he is!!

He actually doesn’t know whether to be sad that he doesn’t have the same amount of fashion sense or to be happy that he has MC as his best friend that does.

But after a bit of positive affirmation from MC, he’ll surely settle with the latter. (and also hope for them to become more than best friends :). )

He finds himself subconsciously posting about MC in his socials. Normally it’s filled with “Lucifer just did (blank)” but now, it’s ALL about MC. Nothing else. MC fan account.

We know that Levi draws, and so I have no doubts that he would be drawing every outfit he sees MC in.

At first, he’s only drawing faceless figures in the clothes, probably adding his own personal flair. But as time progresses and Levi gets closer to him, he starts subconsciously conpleting the figure’s appearance (hair, face, stature, etc). And before he knows it, half of his pages are filled with doodles of MC.

But if he were to ever find out that MC saw his art, RIP Leviathan 2020

And who’s to say he’s not drawing him in... Risqué outfits.

But if MC says that he doesn’t mind getting drawn, then Levi will activate cute fanboy mode again.

He’ll ask him to model outfits for him as he draws, sometimes in cosplay.

MC would just be chillin’ with him in his room, and when Levi finally looks up from his tv after finishing an anime, he’ll sometimes gasp and immediately say, “Stay right there, I HAVE to draw this!”

Although drawing wasn’t and will likely never be his favorite thing to do in comparison to video games/anime, it gives him an excuse to stare at his best friend with minimal blushing.

Satan is good at hiding his appreciation for MC’s outfits. At least, he’s good at it to everyone BUT MC.

If anyone asks, he’s indifferent about MC and his dashing looks and fashion.

But as soon as MC confronts him... Oh boy.

Red-faced, he’ll compliment his clothing on occasion, then wave it off as “something everyone does”. Which is true, but we know that it’s more than just that.

Similarly to Lucifer, he finds himself staring at him secretly. Except, I like to think that he’s less careful about it. Often MC will look up to meet his eyes, before he ducks his head back into his book, acting nonchalant.

Not a single person can convince me that he hasn’t found a stray black cat and discreetly named it after MC.

He wouldn’t hide the fact, but instead would actually bring it up at the right time. Ex: Right before some dramantic moment like before proclaiming how much MC means to him. Both as the cat and human.

The cat’s collars are decorated similarly to the clothing that MC wears! Satan is a diligent worker (especially when putting lucifer through immense stress) and a lover of arts, so he’s pays attention to little details like that.

This is Asmo we’re talking about.

He ADORES the aesthetic.

It’s not something that he himself would wear, but damn is it appealing to the eye.

Once you get him started on all the things he’d do if given the chance to dress MC up in whatever he wanted, you’ll never hear the end of it.

(^ especially when he starts talking about the undressing)

He loves a monochromatic color pallet, but every once in a while he’ll push for a pop of color in MC’s outfit for the day.

If MC wears minimal/no makeup, Asmo will constantly ask if he can use his face as a canvas for makeup experimentation while he rants about his nail tech.

Asmo’s favorite activity is going through MC’s closet. He gets to not only try things on, but he also gets to know what he has to work with when choosing MC’s outfits for their days out together.

Knows the perfect boutiques to bring him to

“You know, the color black really accentuates your figure... And if you look this good with it on, I wonder how great you look with it off~”

Beel isn’t interested in fashion or anything related to it. He isn’t picky about the presentation of things (namely; food.)

So he wouldn’t be immediately enticed upon first meeting MC.

But that is not to say that he doesn’t find him VERY pleasing to the eye.

Our sweet boy is not afraid to express his love for those boots!! For the destressed fabrics!! He hangs around him often just so he can sit and ogle at how cool MC looks!! All the damn time!!

Asks MC to come with him to work out just so he could have some motivation by seeing him. And his GAMES. He’s gonna love to see him cheering him on in the stands.

Beel would admit that he himself couldn’t bring himself to care so much about his clothes or ‘aesthetic’ , and couldn’t imagine having such a consistent style.

^ And because of that! He’s dying to see what he looks like in other styles. Of course, if he doesn’t want to change out of the usual attire, just seeing him wearing beel’s huge ass jacket is enough.

Wouldn’t care to buy clothing items for him, but will most certainly stop by devildom’s no. 1 bakery, grab some sweets with that signature gothic devildom appearance and bring it back to the House of Lamentation for him. (Given that he didn’t already eat them.)

In comparison to his personality, MC’s closet isn’t very important.

Beel loves his kind nature! But he will always be there to defend him in any sort of risky situation, especially when any low level demons would like to try and take advantage of MC’s niceness.

Belphie is taken aback the first time he sees him. In the best way possible.

It’s like he just knows that he’s going to be interesting to be with just by seeing his clothing style

He actually probably assumed that MC would be very different from what he’s really like. (Like how people will assume that everyone who wears dark colors often are always sad)

But both to his surprise and not, MC is nothing but kind to him! And he’s kinda like 😳. Damn. Alright. I can get down to this.

Fashion isn’t his expertise, so he isn’t as forward with compliments. It’s mostly, “As long as I’m comfortable when I lay on you, the clothes are fine. Right?”

“I had a dream about you last night... It was like you were some prince clad in black chain mail armor... I suppose we couldn’t make that a reality though, huh? You can be my prince in band tees and ripped jeans.”

The only reason he starts dressing similarly to MC is because of how many times he’ll fall asleep beside him. He knows MC will probably offer one of his jackets or extra shirts, and that he’ll likely get to keep it. (He gives it back eventually, it’s just nice sentiment.)

It’s also kind of entertaining to see some of his brothers go ballistic in response to seeing him adorned in MC’s signature clothes.

[lieuwrites]

Selfish | Han Jisung | Oneshot

Title: Selfish

Pairing: Han Jisung x Reader

Synopsis: Everyone’s a little bit selfish and Jisung thinks that’s okay.

Genre/Warnings: Angst, mutual (?) pining, swearing, arranged marriage, best friends to lovers, skz side character/s (Hyunjin), non-idol!AU

Words: 1.9k

Requested: No

Request here, follow here and read my other works here !!

It wasn’t right, you messaged and called him multiple times but Jisung wouldn’t answer your attempts at contacting him. It had been a week since the last time you talked to him. After two days without a message or a call from him you tried to message him yourself. Through the whole time you tried contacting him he hadn’t even opened any of your messages.

“My Dear, you need to let it go. He’s probably just busy at work. He seemed swamped with his team when I saw him in the office a couple of days ago.” You looked up from your phone at your fiancé. He sipped at the coffee in his hands as he reached for your phone. He quickly looked over the multiple messages you sent before clicking the lock button to turn off the screen. 

He didn’t like it when you stressed yourself. Contrary to your own belief, Hyunjin worried over you more than you would ever realise, but he didn’t know how to show it. Although your engagement together started out with an agreement between each of your parents when you two were only children, he grew to feel for you. Maybe it wasn’t love just yet, but he knew it could be.

It was selfish of him but he knew he wouldn’t have to worry about Jisung after a few more hours. He wouldn’t have to worry about how the two of you interacted when you were together. When Jisung had pulled him aside a couple weeks ago for a serious talk, all he felt was anger towards one of his closest friends.

“Why don’t you go out and clear your mind for a bit? You did mention that a drive around always helped calm you down.” And that was it. Hyunjin’s attempt to help gave you exactly what you needed.

“Alright,” you stood up and grabbed your keys, “I’ll be back when I’m calmed down. Please don’t wait up, and make sure you get some rest.” You gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before you made your way to the garage, hopping into your car and driving off.

You rung the doorbell, hoping he wouldn’t be asleep yet. The digital clock in your car read 8:53 before you got out and you were praying that Jisung’s erratic sleeping pattern would work in your favour.

As the door pulled open to reveal your best friend a wave of relief washed over you as tears welled up in your eyes. Before he could process your figure in his doorway you had already entered and pulled him into a hug. 

“What are you do–”

“Please,” you begged, “I know you don’t want to see me right now but I really need this. I really need you to just hold me right now.” It was selfish of you to put yourself before him but without protest he did just that. He stood at his front door just holding you.

The both of you sat on his couch, waiting for the other to speak up. When it became evident that neither of you wanted to be the first to say anything, you made the first move.

“Where have you been? Why haven’t you been answering my texts or calls? I don’t know what I did but I promise I’ll do whatever I can to fix it.”

Jisung could only shake his head at you. How selfish of him to make you think you were at fault.

“Please, it wasn’t anything you did.” He sat there thinking over what his next words should be but as he thought, you started to come to a realisation of your own. 

As you looked at the messy state of his lounge, the empty shelves once filled with video games and the boxes and half filled luggage, you knew what he was doing.

“Jisung.” He looked up to meet your confused yet angry stare, “why didn’t you tell me you were leaving.”

His heart dropped and his mind blanked. 

“Why would you just pack everything and leave without telling anyone?” 

“I told the guys, they knew I was going home. I decided to run the business from there.” He knew he was digging his grave but he couldn’t figure out what else to tell you.

“When?” the word came out as a demand with your voice stern.

He stuttered an answer letting you know it was a couple of weeks ago.

The idea that Hyunjin had been comforting you with words telling you not to worry –’your friend is just busy right now’– angered you. How could he have hidden this from you. How could he have been so selfish.

“What the fuck is going on in your head? What did you think was going to happen? You were just going to disappear and leave me here?” You asked incredulously.

“I wasn’t going to leave you! I was going to come back for your wedding.” 

His reasoning just worsened your growing migraine as you massaged your temples. “You never told me why. Why you were ignoring me. Did I make you mad?”

“I told you, you didn’t do anything. I’m just going through something I need to deal with alone.”

A bitter laugh left your lips, “deal with alone? Jisung we’ve been best friends since we were children! When have either of us dealt with our problems alone? You need to come up with a better excuse than that.”

It was like you were challenging him, beating away at his walls in hopes to break them down and find the truth. And unfortunately when it came to you, it was that easy. Your words were enough for Jisung to give himself up.

“I fell in love with you!”

A silence fell between you two and you sat there surprised at his words. 

A grievous chuckle escaped him as he sized you up. The anger you held dissipated within seconds and was instead replaced with shock. “Was that good enough for you? Are you happy now? There isn’t anything left for me here. I can’t handle being in love with you anymore! It hurts me. It hurts me so much that I have been in love with you for so long and I never got a chance with you. You were betrothed to Hyunjin before any of us even knew what the fuck love even was!”

And it was true. There wasn’t ever a chance between you two. Perhaps it was the betrothal that made you ignore your own feelings. You had lost any hope of finding someone that you couldn’t even see the person that was with you the whole time. You only saw Hyunjin as your future, your parents made you believe there wasn’t any other option.

And there truly wasn’t.

But now in this moment you felt it. You could really feel what Jisung was talking about, because you always had. You brushed it off as a special feeling between best friends when really, it was love. You didn’t know if you had hidden it subconsciously or maybe you never even realised but all you knew was that you loved Jisung, and he very much loved you too.

You took his hands in your own and attempted to think over your next words but nothing came to mind and once again, the two of you were sitting in silence.

“When are you leaving?” there was a helplessness in your voice that signified defeat, whether it be his or your own. A sad acceptance on your part that spoke volumes. It was for the best that he left.

“I’m leaving the house at 5 tomorrow morning.”

“Are you staying when you come back for the wedding?” your gaze was fixed on your interlaced hands. You’ve held hands with your best friend before but now it was different. The newly acknowledged feelings between the both of you gave it a different meaning. There was a feeling of happiness that enveloped the pair of you, as if a weight was lifted from your shoulders, but these new feelings also made the air feel heavier. 

“I’ll stay if you want me to.”

You shook your head, “no, if you aren’t comfortable enough to see me yet that would just be selfish of me.”

“It’s okay to be selfish sometimes,” he mumbled, his fingers now fiddling with your own.

You sighed as a thought popped up in your head, an awfully selfish thought. You pulled your hands away from his and moved to circle your arms around his back, face tucked snugly in the crook of his neck as you now sat in his lap.

Your breath tickled his neck as you spoke, “then can I be selfish? Just this once?” you felt him nod slowly, his voice caught in his throat. “Let me stay with you, just for tonight. Spare me these next few hours you have here before you leave, and it can be just us. Nothing else will exist until you need to leave for the airport, nothing except us.”

It was awfully selfish of you, amusing the idea that you could be together. Playing out a fantasy that you both know would end; but you two were never given the chance. Perhaps these few hours were a blessing, perhaps they were a curse, but you wanted to be selfish and utilise the time how you pleased, to be with him how you never knew you wanted to be.

Jisung breathed out an okay before gently pulling you down with him to lie on the couch. He held you close to him, just how he wished, memorising how you felt against him and how your familiar scent enveloped and intoxicated him. 

You two layed there in silence, taking each other in and trying to ignore the ticking noise of Jisung’s clock that hung on the wall. 

He cleared his throat calling your attention and you looked up into his eyes. His voice barely a whisper, he spoke, “you’re here now and I can’t help but ask… can I be selfish? Just this once?” If it weren’t from the way he looked earnestly into your eyes, or from the way he licked his lips nervously, you knew how just selfish he wanted to be, and in that moment you wanted it too.

A soft ‘yes’ left your mouth and he pulled you in, capturing your lips in a gentle kiss. There was emotion in the way it happened. It was gentle, like he was scared to break you further than how he already had. It was slow, to savour the moment he had dreamed of during all the years he spent silently pining after you. It was full of love, releasing everything he kept in, hoping that when time finally ran out, he wouldn’t have any love left in him to hurt over.

And that was awfully selfish.

When he pulled away his eyes fluttered open at the same time as yours.

The idea that he was pouring all his love for you in that kiss was wrong because as he looked into your eyes, he knew what he felt for you had doubled and unfortunately, you felt the same way.

“Jisung, I love you. I’m sorry this had to be when we finally got to tell each other but maybe it’s better now than never.”

He pressed another kiss to your lips, lingering for a moment longer to savour the feeling, before pulling away.

“I love you too.”

Two people living in the moment with each other, trying their best to ignore their past and their future was foolish. It was stupid. It was selfish.

But in this moment, it was okay to be selfish.

[reading-hub]

Could I request some headcanons for Shigaraki, Dabi, and Todoroki having a wet dream about their crush and then running into them the next day?

- 𝗪𝗘𝗧 𝗗𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗠𝗦

𝗳𝘁. 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗼, 𝗱𝗮𝗯𝗶, & 𝘁𝗼𝗺𝘂𝗿𝗮

SHOUTO TODOROKI

It was a moment of weakness for him to say the least. In all honesty, he’s got it bad for you.

While everyone else has been sleeping, half-&-half was tossing and turning in his bed all throughout the night.

All this late night thoughts got him thinking, about you....and the things he wants to do that include you..

It always started off with inviting you to his dorm to study:

After what feels like hours off sexual tension between you two, he finds you on the floor, bending over on all fours to look for something in your backpack. You seem really diligent on finding whatever it is you’re looking for in there...

Your body suddenly has a mind of its own that your plump bottom was slowly inching upwards as your hand reached all the way to the bottom of your bag.

Shouto couldn’t help but look the view he was getting. Your cute ass moving around without a care and those cute fusturating noises that came from you also didn’t help.

He tried to respectfully look away at your vulnerable position, but his perverted eyes kept shifting back.

He then found himself grinding your ass. A cute little squeak came from your mouth. Looking back at him with those cute little doe eyes for reassurance to see Shouto’s lustful gaze at you.

Shouto’s breath hitches to see you comply by lifting the back of your skirt up to your waist, showing off your panties to him. Lowering your head onto the floor, to show your submission to him.

Before it could even get to main event, his mind cut him off and the next thing he knew, he was awake again..

Shouto muttered a curse before realizing it was already morning and the sun was about to rise.

Already dressed in his uniform, he stepped out of his dorm room, before he could walk towards the hallway, he spots you.

Cute, already in your uniform, holding your books to your chest, and talking to Sero..? This early before class even started?

A ping of jealousy swelled below his stomach. Just seeing you talk so openly to Sero, with the cutest smile crept onto your lips as you listened and spoke with him.

He wanted to walk past you as casually as possible, the last thing he wanted was have you see him after what he was dreaming about last night—

“Good morning, Shouto.” You spoke, turning your attention to the stoic boy, who seemed to be in a rush...

Shouto’s shoulders tensed up, but relaxed. “Good morning..” before you could reply back he was already walking away.

“Man, looks like Shouto’s got a lot on his mind today..” Sero quipped, leaning back against the wall. “I guess so...” Your face dropped a little. I hope he didn’t think I was annoying you thought.

DABI

That cute ass smile will be the death of him someday. more like the death of his dick

He sometimes wonder how a cute piece of work like you could even associate yourself with the likes of them. Not that he was complaining. He’d sit back and watch as you and Toga were at sitting by the bar, sipping down Shirley Temples together, seeing that cute smile of yours as you nodded while Toga was gushing about all the cute boys and girls she saw at UA.

And by the end of the night, he found himself semi-hard, which was his cue to leave the base and deal with his “problem”.

After finding a much needed secluded spot away from the league, he laid down on something that seemed comfortable enough by his standards.

Taking it slow by feeling up himself through his pants, cursing under his breath knowing that this was your doing.

All cute n’ sexy. Sitting on a bar stool like the good girl you are. Why sit on a lousy stool when you could be sitting on something better. Like on his lap, where you rightfully belong.

He can picture it now: Your cute ass plop onto his thigh, his hands wandering where they please as you let him, hands holding onto your hips as you grind on him, and your cute face contorting into mixes of need and pleasure to top it all off.

You’d be so needy of him at that point. Laying your head on the nape of his neck, whispering pleas to him. Telling him you wish to go somewhere privately to fill your needs, promising him that you’ll make him feel oh so good...

The flame bastard smirks and takes you up on that offer.

There you were, beneath him. His hands beside your head, as he cages you using his body. Lowing his head to your neck as he gives you some love bites and kisses. As you softly withed under him, one of his hands makes their way towards the belt line of your lower stomach.

Feeling this, your body naturally jolted up a little in surprise. His finger tips pushed aside your underwear to make room for his fingers. Rubbing the outside to feel how wet you were. His finger slowly circling your wet gummy walls, slowly adding his thumb into the mix.

KNOCK KNOCK

Dabi tensed up, back from reality. Muttering a curse after hearing a knock on the door. And just when it was getting to the good part!!!

There better be a good reason to interrupt his time.

Opening the door, revealing it to be Twice. God dammit.

“What is it, Twice?” His voice was that of annoyance and pissy undertones. He hoped that Twice would get the message across that it was a bad time to knock right now.

“Whoa, chill Dabi!” He said with urgency and worry. “It’s about (y/n). Shigaraki wants you to escort her back home. It seems like she drank a little too much.” He informed him. “Girl was tripping like crazy!!! She can’t even move one foot without falling flat on her face!!” He cried out dramatically after.

Dabi sighed, but he also couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Guess you found yourself drinking more than just non-alcoholic drinks tonight.

Waking towards your limping self, trying to balance yourself by holding onto the bar for dear life. Yep, you were tipsy alright.

“Alright, let’s get you home.” He pulled you towards him, his hands holding onto yours hips. “M’kay, Dabi....” dammit, even when you were drunk off your ass, you still somehow managed to be cute!

TOMURA SHIGARAKI

You just HAD to enter the headquarters with the tightest pants ever.

Jet black, labeled as skinny jeans but managed to hug all your curves in the right places. God he loved when you wore those.

But only when it was during those slow days around the meet-up, and when it was just you and him in one room together. NOT for when so many people were around and the headquarters, packed with villains with hungry eyes most likely on you.

Not to mention you were so casual about it too. Not bothered by what you wore and how it affected him! Well, that’s kinda on Tomura’s part since he doesn’t say anything to you about it and just sulks in the corner silently instead.

All these people at the bar were overwhelming him. Grumbling under his breath, he dragged his feet to his private space and thought “fuck it, I’m playing some games instead” maybe jerk off a little before calling it a night altogether

Hours past since he left the meet up to go to his room instead. But even after playing video games in the dark room was getting a bit tedious for him at that point. Perhaps this was his cue to sleep it off, mentally shrugging as he finally relaxed on his creaking noise filled bed.

His vision getting hazy but then clearing up as he sees you in his subconscious. You smile, but this was no happy go lucky smile. No, that smile of yours had lustful intentions to it, and it was all for him to see. He felt his lower stomach churn that of anticipation for what was to come.

There you were, your knees straddling his hips as he sat on his bed. He saw as you teased him by slowly and painstakingly grinded on his pants. Stopping abruptly, you gasped, making Tomura jump a little in surprise. Nervous young adult hormones were surrounding his mindset. Did he do something wrong?

You lifted your hips by an inch. It appears Tomura got a little excited from your clothed grinding. You couldn’t help as a small giggle escaped your lips. Your villainous boss was such a cute little virgin. Time to reward him for his patience. Licking your lips in the process.

Tomura saw your lustful gaze after seeing his stiff...excitement poking through his pants. You spoke. “Boss, can I offer you a little favor?” Your voice was strung with heated implications, as your hands wandered to the front of his pants, verbally telling him what kind of favor you had in mind. He nodded vigorously, while trying to hide his lust filled grin.

You took no time unbuttoning his pants,(cuz let’s be real, that man doesn’t wear a belt) impatiently pulling down his pants halfway enough for his member to pop up, feeling up his shaft through his boxers as his breath hitched in surprise. Your fingers dipped inside his boxers, pulling them down, slowly, until the prize you’ve been looking for flicked upwards from the underwear confinement.

There it was. Tomura’s dick, right in front of your very eyes. Tomura saw with wonder as he saw you work the shaft, swirling your tongue around the tip as if it were a lollipop. God, your mouth was so warm and wet, he felt like all his pent up horniness for you over the years was washing away as you sucked him off.

Your head bobbing up and down, as one your hands made their way towards his balls, cupping them in your hands. Tomura saw as your eyes made contact with his. They were filled with need and want. You decided to take it one step further by pushing your mouth deeper and deeper into his dick, choking up naturally. Immediately releasing your mouth from his dick to catch your breath.

He breathed heavily as he saw your lip and chin coated with your own saliva and a little bit of his cum on your tongue. “Ready for more, boss?” You perked up.

Before he could reply, a harsh knock came barreling down. His eyes shot up, it’s daytime already? He winced at the sight of the sunlight peaking through his curtains. Hissing at the thought of getting up from his dream. A deep voice rang through the door after the knocking stopped. “Tomura, are you awake?” Yep, that was Kurogiri.

“I just came to tell you that Miss (Y/N) came to the headquarters early today.” Kurogiri soon left, hearing his footsteps fade away. Early? Like, early-early?? What time was it?

He grumbled under his breath as he made his way out of the hallway, were he saw you sitting on the ripped couch, scrolling through your phone. God, you were hot when you didn’t even try or not realize that someone was staring at you.

“Hey, boss. Had a good sleep last night?” You asked, genuine and curious. He grinned deviously through ‘father’ hiding his face. Oh if only you knew....

[vanchlo]

Fireflies

Blurb Synopsis: It was your first summer working at a sleep away camp, and you were feeling a little homesick yourself. That all disappeared when you met the counselor of your sister group, Harry, who is in charge of the all-boys cabin, Campfire. Your all-girls cabin, Butterflies, came to love Campfire and their counselor, and very quickly, so did you. You were afraid you had come to like him a little too much, more than friends typically do.

Genre: Camp Counselor!Harry, friends to lovers, fluffy, some nostalgic vibes, and romance. 

Warnings: None

Word Count: 6.3k words

Pairing: Harry x Reader

Music Inspo: Fireflies by Owl City I guess (click to listen)

*

You had been coming here for a good while now, already having memorized the placement of Ursa Major and Minor in the night sky. You found your way down the trail, past the sandy beach, and to the rickety wooden dock every night after lights out. The flashlight clicks off in your hand, but once you reach the pavilion you hardly need it anymore, the last licks of the bonfire lighting up the beach. A loon sings nearby on the lake, waves lapping at the shore, plastic shovels, and a few socks certainly hidden amongst the sand. 

The twist-off cap opens with a pleased sigh, and the refreshing cold beer is welcomed by your lips. Exhaling, your eyes float towards the pitch-black sky and search for Orion whose tall figure has escaped you for the last few nights. These nightly stargazing trips have become a comfort for you, your new home suddenly being a camp of youngsters, and your bedroom consisting of a tiny cabin that leaks when it rains and lacks air conditioning. 

You had just finally been starting to adjust to life as a summer camp counselor, and there was one significant reason for that. His name was Harry, well, is. He’s the counselor for the all-boy cabin, Campfire, and has been your sister group for your all-girl cabin, Butterflies.

Due to this, the both of you had been seeing a lot of each other as your cabins interacted often. Nearing the end of the first week of camp, and now anytime one of your kids asked to play with Campfire, you jumped at the opportunity. Although it mostly was due to seeing Harry, who had quickly become your favorite coworker, it was undeniable that your kids got along so well.

That was another thing, he was so good with his kids, and yours. There were a few girls in your 8s cabin who did a bad job of hiding their crushes on him, always hanging all over him. With no fail, every day during your shared swimming time in the lake, they were begging Harry again and again. Whether it was to throw them in the water, hoist them up onto his shoulders, or to build a sandcastle with him - they couldn’t get enough of him. After spending only four days with him, you couldn’t blame them, because neither could you. 

It almost shocked you how quickly you had come to know him, and became fast friends. After running into each other on the main trail on your way to breakfast the first day, you found him waiting by the large red pine near your cabin every morning since. He even had begun to save his sausages for you, and you always gave your banana muffin to him. 

Today, your groups had spent the entire day together, and so did you and Harry. The kids especially enjoyed your time on the paddleboards this afternoon, but you weren’t too sure about Harry pushing you off into the water every time you got the courage to stand up on it. The laughs continued throughout your hike in the woods that Harry claims he didn’t get your cabins lost on, but you knew better than to believe him when he began to nervously knead at his bottom lip with his fingers. Face painting may have been your favorite activity from today, despite the nervousness that tickled your body when his face was inches away from yours. He painted the most darling butterfly on your cheek, and he bragged about the banana you left on his for the rest of the day. 

The beer dribbles off of your bottom lip, gracing your skin flushed from the heat still sitting in the night air, and from thinking about him. Harry. Everybody loved him, even the other camp counselors, and especially some of the fellow female ones. You couldn’t help but notice how Porcupines and their counselor, Erica, had taken a liking to Harry. They seemed to be friends from last summer, but this was your first summer working here at the camp, and that fact alone intimidated you. It made you tell a white lie when Harry asked if you wanted to play board games with his group, or if he should hang out with Porcupines who live in your cabin neighborhood. 

Only after a week of knowing him, with four of those being camp days, and the others being staff training days, there was little he couldn’t do to dazzle you. Every night, there was a huge camp-wide bonfire. Not everybody joined, only those who wanted to, but ever since you claimed the upright log right of Harry on the first night, it had become your spot. He continued to amaze you night after consecutive night with his guitar playing, from Take Me Home, Country Roads to Wagon Wheel and of course, Wonderwall. More than once, you had felt his eyes on yours and found just that when you looked over at him, him soon winking with smiling lips.

Oh, those lips and all of the dreams you had about them. 

The lake water lapping at your feet hanging off of the dock does little to cool you down on this early June night, but after the train of thought that’s taken off, there’s little you can do to cool down. To make matters worse, your skin spreads with electricity when you hear a twig snap nearby. You don’t even have the time to ask who’s there, because the milky moonlight lights up features of a familiar somebody. 

“Care if I join ya?” they rasp, nodding to the section of dock to your left. Shaking your head ‘no,’ the wooden boards rattle and squeak with their heavy footsteps. “Y’know ‘ve seen ya sneak out, but neva knew where ya went, and now lookie here. I found ya.”

“Congrats, you finally won a game of hide-and-seek,” you joke, the dark glass wet against your shaky fingers as you hold out the beer to him. 

“Oh, shuddup. Ya don’t know how hard it ‘s bein’ tall when tha kids ask me t’ play hide-and-seek. ‘s not like I can hide behind a tree as easily as they bloody can,” he giggles, and clinks the neck of his beer bottle against yours. “Cheers t’ a great almost first week o’ camp, and here’s t’ many mo’.”

“Cheers,” you echo, the frosty beer doing little to move the knot that appeared in your throat the second he stepped onto the beach in front of you. 

Yes, here’s to many more weeks of camp with him- with Harry. 

*

Your stargazing nights dipping your toes in the water continued every night without fail. And night after night, Harry showed up with two bottles of beer. Sometimes, he beat you and you found him waiting for you. Other nights, you were early and brought wine coolers instead. Nonetheless, it became another camp tradition of yours, and neither of you broke it. 

That was until you broke your two and a half week streak one night, and not because you were sick or had a legitimate reason. No, your reason did feel legitimate, and it stung every time your subconscious drudged it back up. That didn’t mean you could tell Harry though, and you had a good reason for that too. A good reason was something he seemed to be missing, you thought, and you wished that you knew why.

*

Earlier that day, rain had been forecast for most of the afternoon, but instead of refreshing showers for the kids to dance in, a muggy heat had settled in the air. You couldn’t say that you weren’t complaining, because well, you were and Harry got an earful of it. He didn’t complain though, and lastly, yours ceased once your shared swimming time arrived. Lucky for you, your leadership staff had moved things around for your group to swim again later, after lunch. Seeing Harry in his short royal blue swim trunks not once but twice was rewarding enough, and so was when he stuck you on his shoulders, pulling laughs from all of the kids’ smiling lips. 

The incessant heat drilled at your sun kissed skin later that night when you had had enough of your humid cabin, settling on the first of the wooden steps. Your attention was drawn over to a nearby staff cabin when you heard voices and laughter, but you dismissed it as you decided to take a cool shower in the bathhouse up the hill. 

The voices grew louder amongst the cover of trees surrounding you, and as you hiked up the hill, you realized you were nearing their source. Almost immediately, you pick up on one of the voices, recognizing it seamlessly. You take a step forward at the inviting sound, but your foot stops in midair when you finally recognize the second voice. If that wasn’t enough to repel you, the appearance of them both outside a shaded cabin does it for you. 

There he stands with only inches in between the two of them. Harry, and fricken Erica, of all people. You’re not sure what’s going on, but quickly, you realize that you stepped in on something you shouldn’t have. You turn around hastily and begin to walk away, but you freeze in place when the voices plummet into silence. Looking over your shoulder, your suspicions are confirmed when a pang jolts through your body at the sight of his lips upon hers. Your limbs are unstuck now and moving fast and away from that tragic sight. You don’t stop walking until you reach the bathhouse and hear the loud bang! of the door slamming behind you. Thank God you find that you have the girl’s side all to yourself a few moments later, and only once you’re under the cold spray of the shower, do you let the tears fly. 

*   

You didn’t know what to do with the rest of your night once you swore off showing up to the dock under the stars that night to meet him. Instead, you took advantage of the spotty Wi-Fi to catch up on YouTube videos, but it did little to distract you from what was going on deep down inside of you. 

The next day wasn’t much better as it was still sweltering hot outside, and it was awkward trying to avoid Harry and his cabin, even though you and your kids had all become fast friends by now. Once you reached dinner, the worst of the day was over, and yet you wondered how’d you be able to do it all over again and ignore him. Even today, you weren’t able to fully ignore him. Your cabin was scheduled to bike earlier that afternoon before it got too hot, and in order to go biking, you had to have two staff with for safety reasons. You exchanged as few words as possible with him before and after the bike ride, but he still tried to crack jokes over your walkie talkies during the ride, seeing that the two of you were on a special channel, per the rules. It was obvious that he knew something was up, because neither of you had missed a night on the dock under the stars together, and last night you had done just that. 

It was difficult at first, sitting in your cabin last night once the clock struck ten o’clock. You had begun to squirm and a hot itchy feeling came over your body, filling you with guilt, but quickly it subsided and was replaced by something else when you remembered seeing his lips on hers. Fucking Erica, what did he even see in her? you had poured over at least a dozen times since then. She was always yelling at her cabin when you passed her, and when she wasn’t, she was on her phone and ignoring her kids. You were surprised that one of them hadn’t gotten hurt badly yet, seeing as she never paid attention to them, and it drove you nuts how Harry could have feelings for somebody like that. He adored his kids and yours, making you wonder all the more why things had to be this way. 

Your kids had complained all day, asking to play with Campfire, to hike to The Point with them or to do the low ropes course with them. Relent you did not, and only once besides the biking did they interact, and that was later in the day when it was time for cabin cleaning and so your cabins played together outside while you and Harry did the big cleaning jobs.

Regardless of how good of a job you had done at avoiding him today, you still felt his eyes on yours in the pavilion at lunch and dinner, and especially during swim time when you hung back on the beach. You just didn’t know how to talk to him normally again after seeing what you did, and you already knew the tragic effects it had caused for your friendship, and not just that, but anything more that you had wanted. 

*

Yesterday had seemed like a piece of cake compared to now, sitting in your cabin as the short hand neared the nine and the long hand neared the six. You had thought about sneaking over to your friend, Molly’s cabin, for the night but you passed up the idea after remembering she had started dating another counselor recently, and was probably somewhere with them. Quickly, what was starting to become one of the best summers was now turning into a dream turned nightmare. It all slowly drifted away when you finally succumbed to the exhaustion building up from your long day spent in the sun.

*

When you awoke next, it was already quarter to ten pm, and you weren’t sure if that was a good or bad thing. No, you quickly wished it was the next morning or anytime later than well, now. It was still too soon, and as you slipped on sandals to use the bathroom, the guilt found its way back to you. The only thing going for you was that you had avoided any run ins with him, or for that matter, anybody, on your way to the bath house to use the bathroom. This is why I shouldn’t down wine coolers when I’m sad, you tsked within your thoughts as the flashlight led you back down the path to your cabin. 

Cursing yourself for not turning on the fan before you fell asleep, you let the screen door of your cabin slap against the doorframe once you return. During your disaster of a day, you had also left clothes laying around, the beginning of what would surely become a colossal mess. 

“Y’know, yer not s’posed t’ eat in here, you’ll attract bears and racoons,” a voice drawls from across the room. A jolt rockets through your body at the fright, only to end in a groan. “‘s true, I swear it. One o’ me coworkers last summer had a raccoon in their cabin ‘cuz they didn’t heed tha warnings.”

“Sure,” you respond, picking up an empty Doritos bag that you toss in the bin, ignoring his eyes that you feel hot on your back. “What are you doing in my cabin, Harry? You do realize that you’re breaking a rule, right? ‘No counselors of opposite sex in another counselor’s cabin after lights out,’” you recite aloud, continuing to pick up more of the evidence from your prior night spent wallowing in your tears and choice of junk food. Well, last two nights, for that matter. 

“Bears seem much mo’ harmful than a simple visit from yer friend, I reckon.”

Friend, you say? you think silently to yourself before you can stop, accompanied by a scoff that falls from your lips for him to hear. 

“If ya wanna know, ya’ve been ignorin’ me all day long. Ya wouldn’t answer yer texts, so I had t’ go t’ some dire straights and pay ya a visit. So, why’re ya ignorin’ me, darlin’? Did I do sumthin’ wrong?” Harry ponders aloud, moving from his previous perch on the cloth chair in the corner to your bed now. 

“I wasn’t ignoring you,” you insist, picking up a pink Laffy Taffy wrapper to add to the handful of others. 

“Yes ya were, even tha kids in our cabins noticed. Mo’ importantly, ya stood me up fer our nightly visits on tha dock, not jus’ last night but t’night as well. Figured there must be an important reason ya skipped, looks like t’night ya fell asleep, but why’d ya miss last night?”

With your back to him, you try to swallow past the lump that’s appeared in your throat, but it’s next to impossible. The opportunity arises, and you take it and run. In reality, you tie the full garbage bag into a knot and enter the humid night once again. You can hear his heavy footsteps behind you. 

“‘m not done talkin’ t’ you!” Harry exclaims, the door slamming behind him as you walk down the trail blindly, knowing that the nearest dumpster is only ahead a few paces. 

“Shouldn’t you be hanging out with your girlfriend? Seeing that’s how all of the counselors here spend lights out time,” you retort, the bravery growing within you as the crickets sound from the tall grass around you. 

“What girlfriend? I don’t have one.” 

“Oh, so then why were you sucking face with Erica? That kind of thing implies a relationship, you know,” you spit in return, at last finding the dumpster in the near dark, and pitching the garbage bag into it. “Let’s see how good you really are at hide and seek,” you tease after hearing the plop! of the garbage bag falling into the dumpster. 

“I already found you t’day when we played,” he groans, but you can hear his footsteps following yours. 

Your name flies from his lips but quickly, his voice becomes far away as you dash down the trail. He calls for you, but he’s already lost you and within moments, you see the flickering light above the very cabin you’re looking for. 

His voice tickles at your ears as you slip in past the door, pressing it closed so it doesn’t make a sound. It doesn’t really look like how you had expected. Remnants of a clean, organized cabin remain amongst the clothes, shoes, and books strewn across the floor. A Fleetwood Mac poster dons a wall, leaving the others lonely in the small room. A blue quilt is tugged halfway up the bed with random shirts littering the striped sheets. Amongst them sits his Macbook covered with stickers, an open Marvel comic, and a journal thrown to the side, open to a page covered in messy handwriting. 

The squeaking of the door opening sounds behind you, accompanied by heavy footsteps and labored breathing. Taking a page from his book, you plop down onto the bed and are soon enamored by the vinyl stickers on his laptop. The knot appears again in your throat as you trace the designs on the stickers, letting them grow hazy through the tears filling your eyes.

“Me cabin isn’t a very good hidin’ spot, darlin’,” Harry murmurs from behind you, but you could care less, knowing that this is where you wanted to end up all along. 

“You probably don’t know this, but I’ve wanted to be friends with you since the very first day I met you. You had this contagious happiness to you that seemed to spread to anybody you met. No matter who it was or what kind of mood they were in, they always left you with a smile on their face,” you begin, toying with the unraveling edge of a sticker showing a Fender Telecaster guitar. “You can always make me smile, and I appreciate that so much, but I saw you and Erica kiss and I . . I can’t pretend that it didn’t tear me apart, Harry.” 

“Darlin’, I told ya, ‘m not datin’ her. I did last summer, fer maybe two bloody weeks.”

“Then why-,” you begin, until he cuts you off prematurely.

“She kissed me, not tha otha way ‘round, ‘m tellin’ ya tha truth,” he nearly promises aloud, words hurried and adamant from over your shoulder. 

You begin to nod your head until your ears prick up at the sound of one of your manager’s shouting from the trail a warning about being in your own cabins past lights out. Not wasting another second there crying on his bed, you scurry away without another word to Harry, even though you were filled to the brim with them. His face consumed with worry and questions was burned into your mind for the rest of the night. 

It was the very last thing you saw until you fell asleep. 

*

You were unsure of how to feel the next day, a Friday, and you found that it was all the more harder today to avoid him. First, your groups had art time together in the Art building, and then before you could stop it, your cabins began to play together at the nearby volleyball net when you and Harry were each cleaning up after board game time in your own cabins. It was hard to stay mad at Harry, you swiftly learned, due to him really laying on the charm and fun during volleyball with the kids. You thought it would be a good idea to avoid getting in the lake again later that day, but once again, he just couldn’t stay away. 

“Not gonna swim today, are we?” he asks, brushing away sand from your towel that you occupy before he sits down next to you. 

You suffice an answer with a quick shake of your head, grateful for the minimal cover of your dark sunglasses, hoping that they hide at least some of your secrets. 

“Ah, so yer still ignorin’ me, ‘s that right?” he hums, the weight easily heard in his words. No matter what you do, you don’t look at him, but as the seconds tick by, it becomes all the harder. 

You can hear the little drip drop of the lake water pooling off of his body, probably from the lip of his mustard yellow swim trunks scattered with cartoon pineapples. Despite the anger, your insides scream at you to finally look over at him, and the entirety of his wet body. You somehow resist, keeping your eyes forward at your kids dipping in and out of the waves. When you remember the revolting sight of him kissing her, it becomes far easier to distract yourself by counting the heads of your kids for the third time in ten minutes. 

“Harry, did you convince her to come and swim?” one of Harry’s boys from Campfire asks from the shallow end. 

“No,” he groans, just at your side, and when the boy asks ‘why’, he doesn’t hold back, “How am I s’posed t’ know? Ask her, she won’t tell me anyways. She’s all crabby t’day,” he retorts, getting up and brushing the sand from his legs before stalking off to sit on the dock. He sinks down onto the wooden planks almost in the very same spot that he would every night you’d find him waiting there under the glow of the moon and the stars. 

The sight of him making one of the tanned lifeguards laugh is worsened by your reminiscent thoughts. Wishes course through your mind hastily and unwarranted, including why this has to be so hard. 

* 

Every time the cursed image would float into your subconscious once again, you would bat it away with your imaginary stick. Slowly, it began to work, and by the time dinner rolled around, you were warming up to him again, or so you thought. In your place in line, you scoped out the empty seat beside him at his table, but by the time you had gotten your food, it was filled, and with another attractive coworker from the Bat Cave cabin. 

For the second night in a row, your place next to Harry at the campfire had been stolen away from you. This time, you hadn’t meant for it to happen, and that had only made the burn sting worse. 

Instead of staying to listen to Harry lead singalongs with his Fender acoustic sat in his lap, and with the lifeguard from earlier fawning over him from your seat, you skipped your first ever nightly campfire. Comments from your kids from the last two days found their way back to you and only made you wish you were somewhere else all the more. It had grown annoying the number of times they had asked you why you wouldn’t let them play with Campfire cabin or ‘why you and Harry weren’t friends anymore.’ One incident from earlier that day at the beach had almost brought tears to your eyes, and thank God you had remembered your sunglasses today if it had succeeded. 

You had finally let your eyes stray to Harry once he had forgotten about the cute lifeguard and dove back into the water, welcomed by his campers. One of your girls ran out of the lake, water dripping from every inch of her little body. She said hi to you and asked if she could sit by you, a question you didn’t have to think about. After wrapping her Moana towel around her, she fell onto Harry’s previous seat, and soon you felt her eyes hot on your cheek. 

“Why aren’t you swimming?” she wonders aloud, pulling the towel around her front and hiding her bent legs underneath it. 

“I forgot my suit.”

“Then just go and get it in your cabin,” she insists with a shrug of her shoulders, as if it’s obvious. 

“I don’t want to swim today.”

“Then why didn’t you just say that?” she laughs, letting her shivering chin fall onto her bent knees. “But you always swim with us, and with Harry,” the little girl named Zoey says, the question heard in her voice. This time, it’s a question you can’t answer as easily as before. “It’s not as much fun without you swimming out there with us, even Harry says so.”

Again, you’re lost for words and you think she may be able to tell. You attempt to pass the time by counting your children again, but it takes longer when they’re dipping in and out of the water. Just when you think that you have most of them, you lose track once they start to move. 

“I think Harry likes you,” Zoey declares aloud, and an amused scoff hums from your lips. Your insides battle for how much value to take from her words, both wondering what a kid could know and also aware of how smart and observant they actually are. “I think he’s super cute, but I’m not old enough to be his girlfriend. I’m only eight, so I think you should be his girlfriend. Do you like him?”

“I don’t know, I think he likes somebody else,” you answer with a contradicting laugh contrite with ironic sadness. 

“I asked him and he said he doesn’t have a girlfriend,” Zoey remarks, turning her head to smile up at you proudly with one eye closed shut, squinting at you through the bright rays of the summer sun. 

“Just what do you think you’re doing, Zoey?” you tease, turning your head to look at her, crossing your arms comically. 

“I don’t know,” she giggles, her thick and dark eyelashes clumping together from the lake water. Your hand wanders to her tanned neck dotted with freckles, laughs singing from her lips once your fingers dance across the crook of her neck. “Fine, some of us in Butterflies and Campfire are trying to get you and Harry to be boyfriend and girlfriend. We call it ‘The Fireflies Mission’ - you know Fire from Campfire cabin and Flies from Butterflies cabin. But it’s Top Secret so you can’t tell anybody I told you,” she reveals, raising a finger to her lips. 

A laugh peels from your lips until it ends abruptly, the words settling with you. The sentiment knits together within your mind and your heart comes to be involved, bringing forth the heavy warmth behind your eyes that threaten to spill onto your cheeks. 

“You guys are sweet, but don’t bother,” you say, sufficing for an answer with a dismissing wave of your hand. 

“No! You two would be so cute together, we all think so. We think Harry likes you, and don’t you think he’s cute? Come on, I bet you do,” she teases, bringing her revenge with pink chipped polished fingers crawling up your arm. 

“I do not!” 

“Yes, you do! That’s why you keep staring at him and his butt!” she insists, with a smirk missing a few teeth.

“Zoey, stop it!” you return, but your words quickly collapse into laughs that she echoes. 

“If you don’t tell him, then I will!” 

“Zo’, you don’t even know if I like him or not,” you approach sternly, but it’s wasted once a chuckle consumes your argument. 

“You so do, you two are always flirting! Just ‘cause I’m a kid doesn’t mean I’m stupid,” she argues, fire behind her crystal blue eyes. Her blonde eyebrows wiggle along her freckled forehead, wet pigtails swinging above her shoulders. “So, are you gonna tell him or not?” 

An answer escapes you, and when it does, she lets her towel fall away as she gets to her feet in a hot pink, one-piece swimsuit. Before you can stop her, her long legs dotted with bug bites, scrapes, and bruises sprint away from you. 

“Harry!” she exclaims, glancing over her shoulder to you, sticking her tongue out at you. 

“Zoey!” 

“I’m not going to,” she calls back, turning around and pulling down the white goggles over her eyes. You’re forgotten and she returns to her friend, Cammie, who’s searching for shells underwater. “Harry, I wanna be thrown in too!” Zoey continues, pulling on Cammie’s arm to follow until she’s jumping on Harry’s back where he’s crouched in the water. You look away, attention stolen by your name spoken on the walkie talkies. 

Little did you know, that within moments, Harry’s eyes were running over to you and all because of something a little birdy had said. 

* 

It was still light enough that you didn’t need your flashlight yet, the one each of you was given at the beginning of the summer, and the one that Harry had already lost little to your surprise. You could still hear his voice belting out Hey Jude at the campfire from down the trail, beginning the end consisting solely of na na’s. Slowly, the na na’s grew louder and louder, probably as Harry convinced more kids to join the terribly simple singalong, and one you had wished you were a part of. You wouldn’t want to do anything more, and yet, you knew why you couldn’t.

The reasons were shy and didn’t come to you when you asked, and with that realization, your feet begin to stray from your nightly walk to your cabin and to somewhere else. The blankets were far messier than before and now, CDs and more books joined their distraught mess. T-shirts scattered the floor and so did socks and bandanas, several that were familiar from donning his head of curls already this summer. All of the rules, both campwide and personal, flew through your head, and exited out through your other ear. You wished that so many other thoughts could do the same, but you felt yourself clinging to so many, and that you had begun to become okay with that. 

“Told ya me cabin isn’t a good hidin’ place when yer tryna t’ hide from me.” 

The voice surprises you, but not enough to bring you to turn around. You’d be lying to yourself if you said that you had hoped he wouldn’t have come. The one thing that does surprise you is the fact that what doesn’t come to you is any words that feel right, and as if they belong. 

“I don’t wanna fight with ya anymo’, darlin’. Tha kids don’t like it and neitha do I. Bloody hell, look at me soundin’ like a proper dad, already,” Harry announces, the second half claimed by an awkward laugh marked by the silence you give to him. “I dunno how many times I gotta fookin’ say it, but ‘m not with Erica, or anybody else fer that matta. Ya’ve become me best friend ova tha last few weeks, and ‘m sorry that that kiss ruined that, but I wanna fix it. I don’t wanna lose me best friend ova some rubbish kiss, a kiss that I didn’t even want or initiate . . Anyways, ‘m goin’ back t’ tha bonfire. I told ‘em I was jus’ usin’ tha loo quick, but ‘ll be waitin’ at tha dock t’night, and I really hope ‘ll see ya there . . . butterfly.” 

* 

An owl cooed in the distance, joining the nightly song led by the crickets and the frogs. Somehow, the heat still lingered despite the absence of the sun, and the humidity left a stifling feeling in the air. It made you wonder why you remained here, miserable from the humid heat and mosquitoes that pestered at your skin. The fan you bought for its five different settings beckoned you to return the second your cabin door closed. Now, a ways down the trail, you almost wish you’d never left. With each step, that begins to shrink away as a nervousness overwhelms you, propelling your feet forward. A yawn lingers on your lips as the rocks and dead leaves crunch beneath your steps. 

Curses fly from your lips when your eyes land on the empty dock painted with the moonlight. Your chest falls with a long sigh when you glance to your phone that reads 10:18 pm, almost an hour late. The emotions brew inside of you as you turn on your heel quickly, backtracking your steps.

“Didn’t think ya’d show,” a voice murmurs from the darkness, making you whip around to face the pavilion where it comes from.

“I fell asleep again, I’m sorry,” you confess with a heavy voice, laden with apologies and regret. Harry steps out of the shadows with his hands hidden in the pockets of his baby pink hoodie, only a few steps away and nearing you with every second. “Please believe me, I-.”

The explanation escapes your lips and also the air when he steps forward, lacing his fingers with yours. 

“I believe ya . . butterfly, ‘s okay.”

“And Harry, I believe you too . . . when you said you didn’t kiss her. I’m sorry it took me so long to,” you admit, the overdue words diving into the air to grace his ears. 

“Thank ya, darlin’. Now, I heard sumthin’ funny from a li’l birdy earlier t’day,” he smirks and it only grows higher when you take his other hand into yours. One corner of his mouth reaches higher up his cheek as confusion knits together within your mind. “A certain sumbody had sumthin’ interestin’ t’ tell me befo’ I threw her into tha water . . Sound familiar now?”

His growing grin fills your eyes as the puzzle pieces click together almost instantly. 

“Zoey,” you grumble from behind gritted teeth as his giggle sings in your ears. “That little liar.” 

“Reckon they’ve had it out fer us tha whole summer,” he smiles. “I told her that I bet I love her counselor mo’ than she does,” he confesses hesitantly, eyes flitting away from yours with a blush filling his cheeks. 

“Harry,” you begin warmly, squeezing his hands in between your clammy pair. 

“I only wanna do this if we’re gonna really give it a try, don’t wanna ruin our friendship or have tha kids pay tha price of it not goin’ well. So no mo’ ignorin’ me when things get tough,” Harry says, pointing his stern eyes at you, but you hardly notice because of the words he speaks. “No if’s, and’s, or but’s, got it?” he finishes, reciting his catch phrase he uses with the boys in his cabin.

“Got it,” you smile, feeling as if your lips couldn’t reach higher, but they do when his come to meet yours. They’re sweeter than you had imagined, and softer. The nostalgic smell of sunscreen clings to his skin, almost hidden by the strong scent of the bonfire you always smelled on him during your nights on the dock. The troubles from the last few days melt away upon his lips, and all traces escape when his arms come around you. 

“How bad d’ya reckon they’ll freak when we tell ‘em?” he wonders aloud after breaking the kiss, pulling you against his warm chest. 

“Wait, you think we should tell them?”

“Ya, we gotta, seein’ as their Fireflies Mission worked and ev’rythin’. We’ll just leave out tha part where we did all the hard work,” he snickers from above you, resting his chin on the top of your head. 

“How’d you find out about their mission?” you giggle against his chest, the tassels to his hoodie digging into your cheek.

“Cuz they’re not very good at keepin’ secrets, just like they’re counselors,” Harry chuckles, pulling one from your mouth as well. “C’mon, let’s go. I think tha beers I brought might still be cold.”

A soft ‘okay’ leaves your lips to meet the air as he pulls on your hand to follow him, the first grains of sand tickling at your toes as you ruminate on how you haven’t felt this okay in quite a long time.

All thanks to your special little firefly, the best friend to your very own butterfly. 

[rocksandrobots]

Of Rocks and Robots Ch. 20 - Therapy

Varian sat on the leather couch inside the doctor’s office nervously bouncing his knee up and down. He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to run, but he knew that would upset Aunt Cass who was seated on the chair next to the door.

This was meant to be his first therapy session and he didn’t know what to expect, or to say, or what to do. Both Hiro and Wasabi had told him that all he had to do was talk to the doctor about his problems, but Varian didn’t really feel like talking. He didn’t feel like delving into his past and reliving those painful memories. Moreover, he didn’t want anyone in this world to know of his mistakes, even if they were just a stranger.

Just then the door opened and a tall woman with short bobbed hair and glasses walked in. She wore a white lab coat and held in her hand a clipboard and pen.

“Hello, Miss Templeton. Are we here to see Hiro today?” The woman asked Aunt Cass.

“Oh hi, Dr. Mcguire.” Aunt Cass stood up to shake her hand. “No, I called earlier and told the secretary this, but I’d like you to meet Varian. Varian this is Dr. Mcguire. She’s our family therapist.”The woman smiled and shook his hand as well, as Aunt Cass contunited. “Varian is from Europe and I’m fostering him while he’s here in the states.”  

“Oh exciting!” The woman enthused. “Is this your first therapy session, Varian?”

Varian nodded his head numbly, still too unsure of himself to speak.

“Well there’s many different types of therapy. I’m a grief counselor. I use different techniques to help people deal with loss or trauma, such as, listening to people talk about their feelings and problems, helping people develop healthy coping mechanisms for anxiety or depression, helping people pinpoint or understand where their underlying issues are and what might cause them to react the way they do to certain situations, and basically anything else that helps the patient cope with their grief.”

Varian listened to the woman intently but none of what she said made any sense to him. He knew what all those words individually meant on their own but all together it just sounded like a word salad to him. He had no idea what any of that actually entailed in practice.

"Well, now Varian, tell me a little about yourself?" The doctor asked as she sat at her desk.

Varian only stared blankly at her, unsure what she wanted to hear.

Dr. Mcguire expounded "Do you have any interests or hobbies?"

Varian looked back to Aunt Cass questionly and she gave him an encouraging smile and a go on motion with her hands.

"Ummm...I like alchemy."

"Alchemy? Like the history of it, or is that some new video game I haven't heard of yet?" Dr. Mcguire gently laughed at herself. "My kids are always trying to get me into the lastest gaming craze and I can never seem to get the hang of it."

Varian once again could only stare. He'd played a few video games with Hiro and Fred, but he had no idea what was deemed popular or not. Nor did he know how to explain to this woman that he was a practitioner of a long dead science.

When this didn't elect a response from him the doctor tried a new line of questioning.

"Do you have a favorite video game?"

Varian shrugged. "I don't know. I haven't played many of them. We didn't have video games back in Old Corona."

"That's the city he came from." Aunt Cass explained. "Varian is from a Russia territory."

"Oh. Well, what did you play in Old Corona?" Dr. Mcguire asked.

"Not much." Varian racked his brain for a childhood game, but there had been no other kids to play with and his dad was not much for chess.

"My cellmate and I would play 'Noughts and Crosses' to pass the time. It's a little like Gomoku, but you try to get three in a row instead of five, and you just draw an X or O on to a grid you drew in the sand instead of having a board and colored pieces.'

"Oh we call that tic-tac-toe here." Aunt Cass cheerfully said, not immediately picking up on his mention of being in jail.

The doctor however did notice. "Cellmate?" She asked with concern.

Varian clamped his mouth shut at that. He didn't want to go into why he had been in prison, certainly not with Aunt Cass there.

Sensing the Varian's discomfort and seeing Dr. Mcguire's confusion, Aunt Cass spoke up. "I'm guessing the secretary didn't give you the forms we filled out?"

"No, I'm afraid not. I saw your name on the appointment and just assumed it was time again for Hiro's session. I'm sorry, that was unprofessional of me to assume and not come prepared. Would you like to reschedule?"

Aunt Cass looked to Varian. "It's up to you, sweetie."

Varian really didn't want to go through all this again. "No. I'm good."

"Well do you feel like talking about what's wrong then?" Asked Mcguire.

Varian tightened his jaw, unsure how to say no to the woman. But Dr. Mcguire knew her business and understood what Varian meant even without words.

"It's ok." She soothed. "You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. We're not here to make you feel uncomfortable. Therapy is supposed to help, not hurt."

This relaxed Varian a little, but only a little. He didn't know what either adult wanted from him then.

"Varian, would it help if I left?" Aunt Cass offered. "Or would you prefer that I stay? Either one is fine. It's your choice."

Varian looked back and forth between both women trying to decide. He honestly didn't know which would be more stressful; dealing with the doctor alone or risking slipping up again and having Aunt Cass find out about his past crimes.

"I...maybe?" He eventually answered.

"Alright then. I'll be just right outside the door if you need me." She stood up, walked over to Varian, gave him a peck on the forehead and an encouraging smile before closing the door and leaving.

Varian had to admit, he could breath more easily now that she'd left the room.

"Well," Dr. Mcguire spoke back up, "if you rather not talk about your issues right now, would you like to write about them instead?"

Varian gave her a confused look and in response she dug into a drawer in her desk and pulled out a notebook.

"Sometimes people find it easier to write about things than to talk about them. I often give my patiences journals, so that they can get out their feelings about stuff, make goals and plans, or to help keep track of their triggers and their responses."

She handed the notebook to Varian. It was thin and curiously printed on the front were images of lizards with hats and sunglasses riding upon skateboards. Varian might have thought it absurd looking but he was distracted by something that the doctor had said.

"Triggers?" He asked.

"A 'trigger' is anything that might make someone remember their trauma. It can be anything from a familiar sound or object, to an action or situation that is similar to an event that the person went through. When someone who's been through trauma comes across one of their triggers they might experience a panic attack, flashbacks, get angry or upset, or even completely shut down so to speak."

Varian studied the woman thoughtfully. Wasabi had described what a panic attack felt like and it sounded eerily similar to what he had felt when he ran away that day. The way he felt after having a nightmare. The way he'd felt when he had come home to find his dad unmoving in the amber.

“Do..do nightmares count?” He asked hesitantly.

“Well, yes, in a way. Nightmares are often associated with PTSD. They are a way for your mind to process what has happened to you. But they can also be caused by other things, like stress, anxiety, or just a lack of sleep. You’d have to dream about something multiple times and analyze those dreams in order to figure out their cause.”

She paused and studied Varian intently before continuing. "Some people write dream diaries to track the patterns of what they dream and when. You write what you've dreamed, good or bad, when you wake up. You also may write things like what time you went to bed, how long did you sleep, or what you may have eaten that day as those can affect how well you sleep."

"You could use your journal for that." She gently suggested.

"Then...then I show it to you?" He asked in kind.

"If you want to. Though, once again, you don't have to do anything that you don't want to."

"But, if I did, would it help?" Varian pressed, "Would it get rid of them?"

"It might help." The woman said measuredly. "Though it might not. Or you may need to do that along with a combination of things. The only way to find out is to try it."

Dr. Mcguire gave him a soft smile and Varian turned her words over in his mind. He would love for the nightmares to stop. They had only become more frequent since he moved in with the Hamada's. As if deep down he feared this new change in his life would become permanent and his subconscious was warning him to return home before it was too late. But, even still, while the doctor was right about not knowing till you tried, he worried over his past and what she or others might think of him once known. Then again, no reason to take a dream literally, right?

"I've..I...I've been having nightmares lately." He finally admitted. Dr. Mcguire only nodded along. She most likely had already guessed as much, but she didn't interrupt.

"They're always different. Like they're about different things. Sometimes they're about my home or my dad, sometimes about my friends, both old and new, and sometimes about, ummm, being in jail." He muttered this last part but then quickly contunited on, "They all end the same way though. With me being alone."

He met the doctor's eyes questioningly, wondering how she might respond. She looked to be contemplating over what he'd just confessed.

"Hmmm…Well dreams are rarely the same each time. It's usually just the repeated elements that we look for when analyzing. That's how the journal would help. But it looks like you figured out one of those elements on your own. Does being alone scare you?"

Varian looked at her wide eyed. He didn't know how to feel about having one of his greatest fears pointed out to him. It was true of course, but he didn't like to admit it.

"A, little." He admitted sheepishly.

"A lot of people fear being alone. We're social creatures. Humans need other humans and so we seek out relationships. It's nothing to be embarrassed about." Mcguire tried to ease his fear.

"Were you on your own in jail? Did you feel alone there?" She pressed.

"No, well sometimes, but like I said I at least had a cellmate. That's better than when I was completely on my own before then."

Dr. Mcguire face grew more concerned but she didn't pursue anything else about his time alone. Instead she asked, "Were you friends with your cellmate?"

"No." Varian scoffed, complaining about Andrew was easier than talking about his time spent on the run. "Dude was a creep."

"Oh, did you fight with him often?"

"Not usually. In fact we got along fine, but that's only because he'd pretend to be nice to get what he wanted. I always knew that's what he was doing, but I, guess I just went along with it because….because it was better than not talking to anybody at all."

Dr. Mcguire furrowed her brow, "What did he want from you then?"

Varian wiggled in his seat at that. He didn't want to go into the prison break and what followed thereafter. "Just….stuff."

This did not ease the doctor's fear. "How old were you when you went to jail?"

"I had just turned fifteen." He didn't know where this was going.

"And your cellmate was what, also fifteen, sixteen?" She guessed.

"Oh no. Corona doesn't have, what did the policeman call it, 'juvenile detention center.' Anyways, uh, I'm not sure what age Andrew was. He never said, but I would guess, like, late twenties?" Varian shrugged but he only became even more confused when he noted the look of horror on Dr Mcguire's face.

"And where were the guards when he was making you do… stuff?" She tried to hide it but Varian could still hear the way her voice shook.

"Ummm...well the guards make their rounds of the cells every ten minutes and stand guard at the door between then. Or they're supposed to, anyways. Sometimes they're late or they're switching shifts, or even sometimes asleep." He broke from his matter of fact statement with a little laugh. "I once saw Pete the guard fall asleep while standing up and Stan, the other guard, had to prop him up with his spear to keep the Captain from noticing." He whispered conspiratorially as if imparting some juicy bit of gossip.

But the doctor wasn't amused.

"It would appear that your home country has a very different legal system than ours." She stated as if trying to find a way to navigate Varian's revelations.

"I'll say." He snorted. Complaining about the conditions of the dungeon itself didn't bother him as much as admitting how he'd got there. He supposed it was because everyone suffered the same indignity as he did while there. So he didn't feel singled out.

"I saw what those cells down at the police station here looked like last week. Let me tell you. They were pristine." He began to number the differences on his fingers." Clean, not drafty, there were toilets, electric lights. I was on the bottom floor of the dungeon and all we had was a grate on the ceiling that let the tiniest bit of light and air in from the cell above us. Of course that wasn't much cause that cell only had a small window to begin with."

The doctor interrupted his ramble. "But what about when you were aloud outside?"

"Outside?" He echoed in confusion. "We never went outside. Who'd let criminals out of their cells willingly?"

Dr. Mcguire darted her eyes back and forth as if equally flabbergasted. "But, but what about for exercise!? Showers!? Mealtimes!?"

Varian looked at her unsure how to answer, now only realising just how vastly different the two realities really were.

"We ate in the cells." He said flatly in lieu of anything else. "Is the food better here too?"

"I don't know? What did they serve you?"

"Usually gruel, or bread and water. Sometimes we'd get scraps from the castle's kitchen. Like leftover bone broth before it went bad. I guess not to starve us completely."

"Castle?" She echoed hollowly.

"The jail is underneath the government's palace." He explained.

"And is that the only prison? Wouldn't that get over full?"

"Yeah, it does. That's why they only keep people there until they ship them off on the prison barge or…. til they hang them." He quietly admitted.

This seemed to be the last straw for the doctor.

She took a deep, shuddering breath and tried to compose herself.

"Well, that..uh..we seem to be reaching near the end of our session. How about we bring Miss. Templeton back in?" She flashed him a strained grin, but Varian knew she was rattled and he feared he'd said too much or had done the wrong thing.

"You mean Aunt Cass?" He asked.

"Yes. So you call her 'aunt' too?" He nodded. " Well let's get your aunt in here and we'll talk about how best to continue your therapy."

Dr. Mcguire walked out and Varian could hear her and Aunt Cass having a hushed and hurried conversion. He couldn't make out what they were saying, but he knew it was about him. Soon after, they both reentered the room and Aunt Cass took a seat next to him on the couch.

Dr. Mcguire sat at her desk again and proceeded to make an announcement.

"So Varian and I have talked a little and he's decided that he's going to keep a dream diary, which he can share with me during our next few sessions if he would like. However, I feel that Varian might benefit from seeing a specialist."

Varian heart dropped. He was being turned away? He'd somehow managed to screw up his first therapy session so bad the doctor was pawning him off to someone else.

"But, aren't you a specialist?" Aunt Cass asked, equally confused.

"Yes, but I deal with post trauma, sudden events, like a car accident or the recent death of a family member. After talking to Varian, it appears he's been through prolonged trauma. It'll take a few more sessions to confirm this but, he may have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's related to regular PTSD, there is some overlap in symptoms, but ultimately it requires different treatment."

Varian's stomach began to churn and he felt his heartbeat quicken. All he heard, behind the doctor's unfamiliar terminology, was that he was somehow, wrong or broken, more so than even the troubled patients she normally worked with. He wanted to cry, but instead he blinked back tears as Dr. Mcguire contunited.

"I have the name of a psychiatrist that I can recommend. I've worked with him before alongside other patients."

She handed a business card to Aunt Cass who leaned forward to take from her. As she read it the doctor went on.

"Dr. Brown deals with former soldiers, war refugees, abuse victims, and others who've had to endure extremely harsh conditions. He's better experienced in such cases and as a psychiatrist he can also prescribe any medicine that Varian might need."

"Medicine!?" Varian exploded and both women looked at him with concern. "But, but I'm not sick." He whined in protest.

Dr. Mcguire stood up and walked over to him. She knelt down to his level and looked him in the eye.

"I don't know if you are or aren't, diagnoses of mental illnesses take time, but you might still need prescribed medication even if you don't have an illness. You mentioned not sleeping well, something as simple as a herbal tea with added melatonin could help with that. However as a psychologist, and not a psychiatrist, I can legally write you a prescription for that, nor should I."

Varian darted his eyes about the room in confusion. Logically what the woman said made sense, he supposed, but that didn't stop his anxiety from raising. He felt cornered. He wanted to run again, but the gentle hand of Aunt Cass upon his shoulder rooted him to the couch.

"Look, you're still welcome to come see me." Dr. Mcguire reassured him. "I'll gladly help you in any way that I can. I just think Dr. Brown could do even more to help you."

"We just want what's best for you." Aunt Cass interjected. "Thank you, Dr. Mcguire. I'll give this Dr. Brown a call today when we get home."

And that was the end of it. They said their goodbyes and left.

On the whole way home, Varian sulked in the passenger seat as he stared dispondingly out the window. He could feel Aunt Cass nervously stealing glances of him, probably afraid he may jump out of the car again and try to run away.

She attempted to say something a few times, but thought better of it and kept quiet. The uncomfortable silence weighing upon them both until they arrived back at the Luck Cat.

Varian tore out of the car, pounded up the stairs, and was just about to run towards his new room, when he heard Aunt Cass say. "We need to talk."

Varian found himself sitting on a couch for the second time that day. This one in Hamada living room. He eyed Aunt Cass pensively and waited for yet another lecture.

"Sooo, I know that didn't go as well as we hoped today, but hey, we made some progress!" She gave him a plastered grin as she tried to find the silver lining. Varian only gave her a look as if she was crazy and rolled his eyes.

She heaved a heavy sigh.

"Varian, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. Lots of people see special psychiatrists. That's what they're for. They wouldn't exist if people didn't need them."

Varian still refused to meet her gaze.

"Also, not everyone finds the right therapist on their first try. It took me a whole year and three different doctors before I found Dr. Mcguire."

Varian did look at her upon that revelation, this time with surprise on his face.

Aunt Cass gave him a small smile.

"Did you think you were the only one who needed therapy?" She gently teased, before admitting, "I was only 24 when I took in Tadashi and Hiro. I didn't know how to be a parent. I didn't know how to handle two grieving little boys nor the emotional roller coaster I was on as well. I had to get help. I had to try out different doctors, different types of therapy, even took medication for a little while, and it took time but in the end it did make things better for all of us. I just want you to get better as well."

Varian processed this confession as he wrestled with his growing sense of shame and despair.

"But...but…you never did anything to deserve that. It was just a bad thing that happened to you.. I… I on the other hand…I wasn't in that jail for no reason." He confessed before bursting into tears.

"I don't care." Aunt Cass quietly said.

Varian looked back in surprise again. She stood before him with worry etched onto her face.

"I don't care what you did." She reiterated. "It doesn't matter."

She bent down and cupped Varian's face into her hand, just as she did when he returned after running away.

"Varian, no one deserves to be treated the way you were. Especially a child. That..that was just cruel." Her voice broke. "Cruel, and inhumane, and oh god, what ever did they do to you to make you think you deserved it?" It was her turn to cry as she scooped Varian into a hug.

Varian blinked rapidly, both because of the tears and because he hadn't been expecting this reaction. He knew he was at fault. Everyone in the kingdom knew it. They all blamed him for what happened and threw nothing but scorn his way. The only reason that Aunt Cass and everyone else didn't hate him too was because they didn't know, surely. But the sincerity in her voice, the tender loving embrace, the way she put up with him and his stupid mistakes around the house, all made him desperate to believe her. So he hugged her tightly back.

"But.. But.. I'm not 'no one'" The tears flowed freely now. "I'm...I'm…I'm not like anyone. The doctor said so herself, today."

"No!" She pulled away from the embrace to look him dead in the eye. "No. She said you needed help that she couldn't give. Dr. Brown, though, can. He deals with people who've been through what you've been through. You're not alone. You're not broken. You're not weird. And you are most certainly not deserving of being thrown in a dungeon."

She wiped her fingers through his bangs, a sign of affection he'd come to recognize from her, and blinking back tears said, "Oh how I wish I could have been there for you sooner. But I'm here now. And so is Hiro, all your friends, Chief Cruz, Professor Granville, and Dr. Mcguire. Ok? We are all here for you now, and we love you, and nothing is going to change that. And now Dr. Brown will be there for you too. So please, let us help you."

Varian searched her eyes. These were words he had longed to hear for who knew how long, but when faced with them for real he had trouble giving into them; to believing them. The nagging voice in his head was screaming at him, warning him that it wasn't true, that they would all abandon his as soon as he screwed up or they found out the truth of his past, the same as how everyone else had given up on him, told him how he didn't deserve such kindness, ect.,but he didn't care. He wanted it to be true.

He nodded yes and flung his arms around Aunt Cass again. They remained that way, just holding each other for several minutes. While Aunt Cass stroked his hair and cooed reassuring words. How she loved him, how she wasn't going anywhere, how he was her child now and nothing would change that. He wasn't sure if he was ready to accept her as a parent yet, to him his dad was the only parent he needed, but he deeply appreciated all that she had done, all that she promised to do, and it felt good to finally be accepted somewhere, to be wanted .

When they finally stopped hugging Aunt Cass said she was going to call Dr. Brown and set up an appointment. She then stroked the top of his head again and asked if he wanted to help her bake something special for dinner. He nodded yes and they both put the unfortunate incident at the therapist behind them.

[okay-j-hannah]

The Vague Truth

Smosh : Fic

Damien x Reader

Word Count: 3380 

Warnings: Just a longer fic with some lovely big bro Wes - which I FREAKING LOVE ❤

Inspiration and dialogue came from this episode: DROPPING TRUTH BOMBS

Request: “Hi ♥️♥️ could I get a Damien x reader where the reader is Wes’ sister. She comes to visit the team a lot and gets put into videos. Fans slowly start to ship her and Damien but they also request for her to be in a video. And the one time she is in a video Damien and her flirt by not meaning too and end up going out on a dinner date that night. Thank you!” - Anon

A/N: You’re practically one of the fam as you visit your brother Wes and his friends on filming sets - subconsciously developing a flirty relationship with one Damien Haas

(Y/D/D) = Your dream date

(Y/S/N) = Your ship name

 (Two of the HANDSOMEST BOIS in the same place...? Sometimes I wonder why my heart hasn’t IMPLODED YET)

The incessant tapping of her fingernails on the phone screen filled the extra prop room – the space she always retreated to whenever Wes was needed for more filming.

She loved visiting her brother, feeling like she was a part of the great work community Smosh had built. For the first time since moving to LA, she had felt like she was making real friends; taking solace in their company.

She was currently scrolling through the latest video she had guest starred in; it having been posted that afternoon. Re-watching the fun time she had on Two Truths with her brother and Damien and Courtney as commentators reminded her of this newfound comfort she had in her friends.

But the comments that followed chipped away at that warm feeling.

“I don’t know about that (Y/N) chick – why do they keep bringing on new people?”

“Bring back the old Smosh members!?”

“Let’s just stick with Courtney and Olivia. They’re much prettier.”

“We have Wes, we don’t need another Johnson.”

There was a creak of the floorboards and (Y/N) found her eyes whipping up to the doorway, hiding her phone screen against her chest. Wes suddenly sprinted within the room, silver hair flying as he hurried to plant himself right on (Y/N)’s stomach.

“Wes!” she wheezed on impact. “Can’t… breathe.”

He snickered, watching her squirm, “Are you calling me fat?”

“No! I’m calling you very m-muscular and a foot taller than me.” She shoved her small fists into his arm in an attempt to throw him off her.

Instead his slid off her and the couch to sit cross-legged before her, holding his ankles with his hands, “Whatcha doin’?”

She quickly searched for her phone that was sent flying from her chest when he landed on her. But her frantic movements signaled Wes to look as well, finding the phone and its open contents first.

“(Y/N), are you reading the comment section again?” He kept his eyes on the device and he too scrolled through the responses.

She huffed, leaning back onto the couch, crossing her feet against the cushions, “So what if I am?”

Wes’ usual joyous face began to fall, a frown deepening. He flickered his eyes to his sister, seeing her gaze plastered to the ceiling in burrowing thought.

“You know how I feel about you reading the video comments,” he put the phone facedown in the carpet, folding his arms on the lip of the couch cushion. “You’re going to care too much about what they’re saying.”

“It’s easy for you to say,” she mumbled, feeling him inch closer to her. Wes was always trying to sneak in a hug where he could. “You’re not the unwanted Johnson sibling.”

Wes flexed his jaw, hurt swarming into his gaze, “Actually we’re the Johnson twins…”

“We’re literally three years apart, Wesley.”

“And the fandom knows us as the Johnson twins. Meaning, we’re a packaged deal! If they don’t want you, then they can’t have me.”

(Y/N) smirked, a ghost of a laugh under her breath, “Thanks, Wes. I guess there’s one good thing that comes out of this. People are starting to recognize me.”

He laughed, straightening out, “And it only took three videos – that’s pretty quick.”

She swung her legs over, sitting up and thinking hard, “Now all we have to do is convince them that you copied my hair color. Then I’d sign a permanent contract.”

There was a glint in his eye, and she knew what was coming, quickly pulling her feet up to her chest as he stood.

“How many times do I have to tell you that I got it dyed first.”

She squirmed to where she could slip behind the couch, standing and using the furniture as an obstruction, “But how many times do I need to remind you that I showed you my Pinterest idea board before you dyed it.”

Wes bit the inside of his cheek, planting his hands on his hips, “Are you accusing me of…?”

“You stole my idea – therefore you copied my hair.” She sucked in her lips to refrain from laughing, inching her way around the couch and away from his hands. “If you’re tired of this same old argument – why don’t you just go back to brunette?”

He finally launched at her, tumbling over the side of the couch as she squealed and ran off to the doorway. She paused, one hand on the frame as Wes came barreling towards her, yelling.

“You’re just saying that so you can relish in the victory of being the only one with silver hair!”

She sprinted off again, realizing she left her shoes back in the room as her socked feet pounded against the carpet. She scrambled around another corner, spotting someone casually making their way down the hall.

In an instant she was next to them, pulling on their arm with a huge grin on her face, “Wes is trying to destroy my insides with his tickles!”

She looked into the person’s face to find Damien staring down at her puzzled, a slight red tinge to his complexion.

Wes quickly appeared, huffing slightly at the sprinting he used to get there, “Let the girl go and I won’t tackle you to the ground.”

Damien was finally making connections in his head, (Y/N) hiding against his back and sending shivers down his spine. He folded his arms and gave a pointed eye towards Wes.

“How about you drop the subject and we can go to the Cheesecake Factory?” Damien gave Wes a small wink before tilting his head towards (Y/N) – a smirk on his face.

The brother raised his eyebrows in understanding, pretending to be contemplating the offer, “I do love me a slice of raspberry cheesecake.” A hand was to his chin as Damien silently held up three fingers, counting down.

(Y/N) was pressed tightly against her so-called protector, a grin on her face that wasn’t to last very long. Within a second, Damien turned on her, finding her arms quickly and holding them together as Wes bounded forward to attack her sides.

(Y/N) squealed more, trying to close in on herself as both men began tickling her sides and the crook of her neck. They were snickering themselves as she spouted profanities in their faces.

“I can’t believe… I thought…” she huffed and squirmed against their hands. “This is treason of the highest degree!”

Damien finally let go, his face red from much more than just straining to keep (Y/N) contained. Wes backed off as well, pumping a fist into the air.

“Brother 1; sister 0.”

She was about throw another snide comment back at him when he held a finger to her lips, continuing, “You know the reason I found you in the first place was to bring you to the next shoot. We have a Board AF livestream to film.” And he trotted down the rest of the hallway, sneaking a few giggles as he waved a few fingers in her direction.

“I hate him sometimes,” (Y/N) muttered, holding a stitch in her side. “But I love him for it.”

Damien laughed, slowly starting to make his way forward, “I guess you’re being integrated more into the family – making all these videos.”

She took a deep breath, straightening out and following him, though slightly behind, “Is that a good thing?”

“Technically you’re like the sister-in-law of the Smosh Family, seeing as you’re related to Wes. So, you’re basically already in.”

“That’s not what I asked, traitor.” She fell in step right behind him.

“What did you call me?” He snickered.

“You’re a traitor!” And with that she jumped right onto his back, causing him to stumble a few steps before he wrapped his arms around her legs.

“God, (Y/N)! I could’ve dropped you.” Thank goodness she couldn’t feel his rising heartrate.

She just tisked her tongue and mushed him forward, “You sided with my giant of a brother – you’re a traitor. And as punishment you have to carry me to the games room.”

He shifted her weight on his back before laughing, “You could have just said that instead of surprise attacking me.”

“And you could’ve protected me instead of carrying out an ambush.”

She giggled, lightly placing her arms around his neck and nuzzling her head against his. She found thoughts swirling into her mind without much filtering:

“He smells so nice.”

“I didn’t realize he was this broad.”

“He’s carrying me like I’m nothing.”

“Seriously, what cologne is he wearing?”

But she never thought anything more of these sudden realizations. At least she hadn’t ever before.

~~~ 

The group of six gathered around the game table, two to each side. Damien had sloppily dropped (Y/N) next to her chair, unintentionally making her stumble and grasp the tabletop for support.

Mari had grabbed her arm in an attempt to help, “What’s wrong with your legs? Couldn’t walk yourself in?”

“Uh – Damien is my slave for the rest of the day.” She sat down, realizing that Damien had already planted himself in the seat next to her.

“That was a one-time thing, (Y/N). Calm down.” His lips curving into a smile as she dramatically gasped.

Leaning over so her chin was grazing his arm, she asked, “What if I fell and twisted my ankle and couldn’t walk and you just so happened to be the only other person around and have to help me?” She batted her eyelashes as he finally turned to watch the teasing glint in her eye, “Would you just abandon me?”

“You know I wouldn’t do that,” he snickered, voice slightly quieter than before.

“Livestream is on!” Matt Raub yelled from behind the scenes, “Have at it, kids.”

(Y/N) continued to have her face right against Damien’s arm, staring back into his bashful eyes, “How can I believe you? You literally ninja attacked me ten minutes ago.”

He accepted some pads of paper Flitz threw towards him, breaking eye contact with (Y/N), “Do all those ice cream deliveries mean nothing to you? Or how about all the times I let you crash on my couch cause your roommates were partying?”

(Y/N) had a finger up towards his face with a speculating eye when Wes unexpectedly shouted to the cameras.

“Hey, guys! Welcome to Board AF. Today we’re playing Dan and Phil’s Truth Bombs.”

“Oh, I love being honest. I’m way too honest,” Joven stated, readjusting in his seat.

Damien gave a classic straining look towards the cameras while (Y/N) happily clapped her hands, “I’m gonna expose all of you.”

“You think so?” Flitz smirked, “You think you know that much about us already?”

“I guess this is a test to see how much Wes talks about us to his family,” Mari laughed, watching everyone’s reaction.

Damien giggled at the scared look on Wes’ face, “I don’t know. I think we can turn that around.” He pointedly stared at (Y/N), “We could be completely exposing you this game – you don’t know what Wes says about you here.”

“I have nothing but kind words for my little sis,” Wes muttered, smiling towards (Y/N) but then flipping to wink at the camera.

“Are you doubting the amount of tea I have on you?” she turned to Damien, a broad, menacing grin appearing.

He just plainly gazed at her, an indifferent smile on his face as he watched her tension in amusement.

She finally huffed, leaning away, “Stop being cute, it’s distracting.”

Flitz put a hand to his mouth, flipping his gaze from one camera to another to catch his reaction. Damien was the complete opposite, bowing his head to try and mask the heat warming his cheeks.

“Damn, alright,” Joven muttered, putting his hands behind his head, “The truth begins to appear.”

“Let’s find out about Damien!” Flitz yelled, slamming a fist into the table.

It seemed to make Dames jump back into his usual entertainer persona, “Okay! Now…” he pulled a pad of paper close to him as he continued, “I’ll be writing my own answers down here.”

“Yeah, we know the rules lover boy,” Mari muttered, leaning into (Y/N) beside her – laughing at the puzzled expression she developed.

“The five questions for me are: Which form of torture would make them confess everything?”

“Cats!” (Y/N) immediately yelled, slapping the table as if there was a buzzer there.

Damien paused, snickering, “What did their parents shout the moment they were born?”

“Cats,” Mari deadpanned, earning a well-aimed high five from (Y/N).

“What one thing would they save from a fire?” Damien continued, then gesturing to the girls to repeat what they’d been saying.

“(Y/N)!” Flitz yelled, throwing his hands to his chest as he started giggling.

“You better save (Y/N) from a fire,” Wes mumbled, eyeing the confused boy across from him.

Damien spluttered, not expecting the turn of events, “If – If (Y/N) was burning in a building and I just happen to pass by, then sure… I’d save her.”

(Y/N) leaned over and rested her head on his shoulder briefly, “He actually does care.”

And it took some real effort for Damien to push past the laughing everyone was suffering from, “Who is one person they wouldn’t mind being set up with?” That didn’t help the butterflies forming in his stomach.

“I think we can all guess that one,” Joven stated, not-so-subtly looking between (Y/N) and Damien.

Of course, (Y/N) was too busy trying to figure out a person Damien would actually like to date.

“If they were an app, which app would they be? Boom…” he set all the cards down and quickly went to his pad to write. “Now these guys get to write down what they think the answers are.”

“I swear – if I get this wrong,” (Y/N) muttered, fingers to her temples. “I swear I know Damien and Mari the best.”

“I’m assuming you’re not mentioning how well you know me because you know no one doubts our great relationship?” Wes stated, grabbing his pencil and batting his eyes at his sister.

She shrugged her shoulders, subtly beginning to peer over Damien’s arm, “|Or maybe I just forgot you were here for a second.”

“Are you trying to cheat?” Damien accused, pushing away the girl beside him and ignoring the sputters coming from the disgruntled Wes.

(Y/N) slightly pushed him back, “No! I know everything about you, remember?”

He jabbed another hand into her side, “Don’t make me ambush you again.”

“How dare you,” she laughed, slapping his hands away, “My ribs are still tingling from the last attack.”

“Just to be clear, we are talking about the tickle fight that happened right before this?” Wes stated, eyeing the duo suspiciously.

Joven threw his pencil to the tabletop, stretching, “Leave the kids be, Wes. They’re young and free to do whatever they…”

“Alright!” Damien shouted, turning to a camera before letting Joven read too much into their conversation. “So, I will read off my answer key first and we will see which questions are correct.”

“What one thing would they save from a fire?” Mari read off the cards.

“My cats.”

“Me!”

Damien and (Y/N) looked at each other for a split second before she couldn’t contain herself at the puzzled expression he gave.

“Sorry, I had to.”

“Well, this person responded with ‘Damien’s cats.’ So, they win a point! Next – let’s do… Who is one person they wouldn’t mind being set up with?”

Mari laughed, “This has to be obvious.”

Damien lifted the pad of paper and hesitated, his mouth slightly open, “I don’t think I want to say her name.”

“Nope!” Joven jutted a finger into the air, “This is Truth Bombs, you have to reveal the truth.”

“What if I was just vague?” he held onto the pad tightly, only looking towards the middle of the table, “For their own protection and my own peace of mind.”

(Y/N) folded her arms, swinging around in her chair and bumping her feet against Damien’s legs, “You don’t want to tell us who you like? Is she, like – a terrible person?”

“Quite the opposite actually,” he snuck a genuine look into her eyes before addressing the rest of the group. “It’s someone from Smosh. That’s it! I won’t say anything more.”

Everyone blew up, throwing angry hands as (Y/N) became antsy. She squirmed in her chair, staring at him and gasping, “Someone at the office? How come I never…?”

“Come on, (Y/N)!” Joven groaned, running his hands over his face. “It’s obviously y…”

“Alrighty, the person responded with my same answer, so they get a point too. Next!” Damien nervously yelled over the protest of everyone at the table.

Flitz stared pointedly into the camera, making it known that he was the one that responded with the same answer as Damien. He started laughing, putting a hand to his mouth and leaning into Joven who was smirking in a defeated fatherly sort of way.

They were quick to pass through the rest of Damien’s cards, his anxious hands shaking against the pads of paper; he was praying that no one said anything more about his vague answers.

(Y/N) was wholeheartedly enjoying herself as it came her turn to answer the questions laid before her, “I’m so excited about these!”

Mari read off her first card, snickering, “What would her dream date be?”

A giggle behind her words, (Y/N) responded with, “Well, probably (Y/D/D).”

“You hear that, Damien?” Flitz questioned, raising an eyebrow, “You better take notes.”

But Dames quickly stiffened his back, his eyes slightly widened as he hushed his friend.

(Y/N) subtly heard and laughed along, “Yeah, Day. It’s a great date to take a girl on. Besides, who can say no to that face?” She leaned over once again to wrap her hands around his one arm, posing for the camera.

Damien snickered, trying to push away the butterflies attempting to squirm out of his stomach, “More like I’m gonna need to find someone to take you on that date. It sounds like a lot of fun.”

Joven was facepalming into Flitz’ shoulder while Wes looked confused towards the two. Mari had a comforting hand on his shoulder as they continued with the rest of the rounds.

It wasn’t until after the game when anything more progressed, Damien dragging a whining (Y/N) behind him.

She had a hand clutching his arm as she persisted, “Just one more piggyback ride to the office and I swear I’ll let it go.”

“It’s not that big of a deal,” he stated, raising a hand to the back of his neck. “It’s just a date.”

“With a girl from the office! That’s so specific, yet so vague at the same time,” she pouted, pulling on his arm again. “But with one ride I’ll put my serious interrogation to a…”

“Or you could accept my offer for a day out (Y/D/D) and we can forget all the stuff that happened during the game.”

She paused, dropping his arm immediately, “Me? You want to go on a date with me?”

“Why not?” he stated, staring towards the ground, “I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t know…”

“Well, how could I say no to such a handsome face?” she laughed, watching him whip his eyes to her.

“For real?”

She laughed, snaking her arm back around his, “Like you said, why not? It’ll be fun.”

“(Y/N)! Damien. Glad I found you,” Ian came bounding through the doors with a phone to his face. “Have you seen any of the livestream reactions? It’s going crazy.”

“No,” (Y/N) admitted, not minding anyone seeing her arm wrapped around Damien’s. “What’re they saying.”

“I don’t think I’ve seen more shippers in one place at one time,” Ian laughed, continuously scrolling. “I think you and Damien broke the fandom.”

“The viewers are shipping us?” Damien questioned; his voice quiet but finding himself gazing down towards (Y/N).

Ian shrugged his shoulders, “Could (Y/S/N) be anyone else?”

(Y/N) laughed again, pressing her head into Damien’s arm and feeling him reach down for her hand.

“They’re shipping who?”

Wes came strutting into the hallway, immediately noticing who was holding hands with his little sis, “What is…?”

(Y/N) bit her lip, glancing up, “Listen…” A smile grew on her face as Damien stiffened at the look Wes was giving him.

Perfect chaos.  

~~~

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[violetsystems]

#personal

I deposited my first check for my business yesterday at the bank.  I had to go to the teller because it’s an entirely different account.  They repeated the name back to me off the check and asked me if I wanted a balance.  If you look at my life from the right perspective everything seems amazing.  Truthfully, they say the American dream is owning your own business.  They say a lot of dumb shit about America.  Now more than ever.  Which is why it’s nice sometimes to stick around in a neighborhood and let people battle it out in terms of what they think of you.  It’s been about ten months of insane isolation.  I spend most of my time at home alone with my cat.  I talk to my parents every so often but nobody really else intimately.  Other than here.  I live in a city so it’s impossible to be alone once you leave the house.  I sometimes think that’s a hard balance to maintain.  It gets easier over time the less I worry about the outside world.  I know it’s hard to when you live on a planet in the middle of a dense, dark universe.  But these days I pay more attention to space in the news more than anything.  I just bought a few things for my business to experiment with.  A mini drone to learn Python with.  I flew it out on the porch for a few seconds until my neighbor poked their head out.  Everybody out here is always in everybody else’s business.  It’s almost a reflex.  Oddly enough when I fly it indoors my cat just rolls her eyes at it.  I’ve been continuing to apply for jobs and maintain a presence on the job sites.  But everything whiffs in such a weird way.  It’s like I’m invisible until I’m out on the street.  Then it’s everyone wasting my time and energy trying to project some secret messages or agenda.  It’s laughable at this point.  You’d think after years of fucking with somebody on a guerilla level you’d bother to at least acknowledge them with more than a glare.  And yet people can’t be bothered to be kind or understanding.  There’s not enough of it in the world.  So when you walk that path, everyone has their hand out.  Everybody expects it’s a given that we’re all in this together.  When it comes to my physical address behind closed doors most assuredly this is not true.  But considering my business address and my residence are one and the same right now, it’s not too hard to know I’m painted in a corner.  I don’t have friends that even check on me to see how I’m doing other than here.  Everybody in this city is too caught up in a lie or afraid of being exposed.  I can confirm this by simple math.  The people I still keep up with are business transactions at best.  There’s an icy veil between that where you get this feeling you aren’t welcome into any real social circle anymore.  This feels even worse applying for jobs in this city.  I just got out of a twenty year employment opportunity where you get to work with your friends.  Only to find ten months after being let go, none of those people were my friends.  I personally at this point care more about making money than friends.  The teller is friendly enough when they stare at my account from behind the screen.  It’s a nightmare to think over two years ago my life was quite the opposite despite having it all.  Dream jobs are in the past now.  Everybody’s godson is their own personal cybersecurity officer.  The nerds got rid of their IT managers and are locked in their bedrooms on zoom with their cameras off.  I’m more excited about drones on Mars and autonomous delivery.  And I still see no future for me here, there or everywhere.

The biggest lesson for me has been about validation.  There is a point when what you want to do isn’t the clearest road.  I’ve had my share of friends doubt who I wanted to be or become.  I’ve cautiously shared things about my life I couldn’t put into words only to have my concerns gaslighted or dwarfed for the main narrative.  People who lie are really good at one thing.  Continuing to lie.  When I catch people in lies, it makes me angry.  Mostly because the one thing I’ve always tried to do was be transparent, accountable and real.  The way I see America when I walk out my door is severely broken.  A thousand fractured narratives clashing together in selfishness.  I try to keep the peace and bridge things together as best I can.  But I’m no politician.  I’m not even an activist.  I’ve been duct taping my life together for almost a year only to realize everybody else’s is far worse off.  Social distancing through the plague has brought me to extremes.  It helped me distance myself from years of my life I’d been caught up in.  And yet now I find myself caught up in a city rather than a suburban area I crawled out from years ago.  College is so far away.  I actually took masters level courses in Psychology.  I wanted to go into artificial intelligence.  I settled for data analytics and human resources.  Never really did much with that degree other than learn how to spot crazy.  I don’t have any student loans to trade for leverage with an employer.  Everybody follows me around and talks behind my back to the point where I wonder if employers have a red flag tabbed on my LinkedIn profile.  The shit I have seen done with my life is so fucking amateur that people would rather erase me than confront the problem.  And therein lies the lesson.  You have to validate yourself.  Believing in yourself and walking away from the table is a tough thing when everyone negs you to think less.  But there’s a point when my Viking roots throw caution to the wind and I tell the world I’m done.  I’m sure my Gyspy roots concur.  Not sure about the Bohemian side.  I think here is the hidden key to Nationalism.  Everybody falls back on their shallow gene pool for comfort to ease the cognitive dissonance of society being a chaotic fuck show.  Primitive thinking that can’t evolve beyond pattern recognition.  The things I’m supposed to be proud of are very finite to me.  They don’t span generations or even decades.  The last ten months has been the most bleak and soul churning I have ever experienced.  And I experienced it quietly with my family and my real friends in a weird sort of intimacy.  And even my parents don’t really know what goes on with me too deeply.  There’s a point when you have to be your own person.  And some people can’t break free and stand on their own too without fear or pain.  So they’d rather fall back into a crowd.  Where they can stop being judged, negated or feel unsure about where they stand.  That is a crutch.  Sometimes the world is so hurt you need something to stand on.  And sometimes the bones heal you back all gnarled and distorted.  You look inward and all you feel is hate.  And that hate isn’t you.  It’s not a good thing to be angry all the time.  And yet I feel it too.  More so these days when I let myself get angry over things and people outside my control.  The people outside my door don’t ever validate me in a way that’s dignified or respectful.  And that says a lot about the world in general versus how I choose to live.  The real lesson I’ve learned is that this is the way it is.  If you want to change it, you must start with yourself.  And there’s some things you can’t change.  The hell of other people trying to intrude and muscle in on your place on this planet.  

It’s hard to love yourself when everyone else is judging your every move.  It makes you think there is something wrong with you.  And the world is always looking for something to point it’s finger on.  We’re all being judged.  We’re all under duress.  We are all paranoid looking over our shoulder.  I should know because I catch someone with a knowing look out my periphery every ten or fifteen seconds.  That’s a lot to subconsciously prepare for every day I want to live my life.  And yet I know there are people who are simply continuing to live through a lie.  To be further manipulated away from controlling themselves.  The reactionary bullshit in America serves a dual purpose.  Thinning out the herd.  We are so caught up in headlines we never read the fine print.  We are enraged, huddled together through protest and then led further down the rabbit hole with no end in sight.  We complain about government but can’t name a single piece of legislation other than guns that have saved our freedom.  I’ll name one for you.  The CARES act.  We know everything about everyone every second of the day but have never even asked anyone’s name.  And you can seek out that whirl wind circle jerk of group hugs and prayer circles all you want.  People are still just going through the motions.  Saying the right things to avoid confrontation even if it means blatantly warping the truth.  Ask anybody I used to work with.  I would ask them for you but they pretend I’m fucking dead.  And this was how it was supposed to feel I gather.  I was to be taught a lesson.  Freedom isn’t free.  It did teach me a lot about life.  Mostly that I’m not really sensitive to anything other than my own ethics.  There’s things I don’t do.  And these things are observed and never clarified.  I live in a silent void of rumor, legacy and shadow.  I’m living that life you people brag about in public.  Whatever that life is I’m not even quite sure.  I’m terribly alone in all of this and not at the same time.  And it requires me to have confidence enough to simply and effortless believe I’m worth it.  Like some vicious game of poker.  I’m all in at my own kitchen table.  I have no dreams left other than to be free.  And maybe to learn Premiere editing 4k drone videos in my spare time.  I don’t really fucking know anymore what to do other than to continue to not humor anyone’s dumb ass bullshit.  And to be real, this entire experience has taught me firsthand how worthless and fucked up my past is here in America.  Everybody wants some shame to hold over you so you stay a bargain.  Everybody wants to roast you and take your shine so they can look mediocre next to you at best.  Everybody wants to bring everyone down to their level regardless if it’s legal, civil or ethical.  And yet when you do the same, you understand what the problem is.  I’ve walked the walk for years and everybody can’t stop talking their shit.  Now people have run out of bad things to say.  So they either pretend I’m a ghost or speak like I’m some urban legend.  And thinking too much into that can drive an intelligent person insane.  Which is why knowing what I know I stay out of everything completely.  Even when I don’t you can see how much it drags me down to humor it all like a good sport.  These people out here do not play fair.  They never have.  And the only winning move is not to play.  I learned that from Wargames years ago.  Everybody wants to be a hacker now.  If you learn one thing from Hackers the movie.  The M1 is here to stay.  And never try to hack a gibson.  That’s the only ICE you have to fear when it comes to crossing my path.  Flatline your shit and leave you staring at the ground awkwardly with your well meaning intrusive bullshit.  End of line.  <3 Tim

[smuttymess]

bts astro soulmate reading | for linds

sign: scorpio sun | aquarius moon | pisces rising

lover: jeon jungkook | soulmate: kim taehyung

This reading is for Linds @jungkickedme. Linds is a Jungkook bias who is regularly wrecked by Jimin - I can relate! Hope are staying safe and well and quarantine, and I hope to meet you when this is all over! <3

The woman with her sun in Scorpio and moon in Aquarius is as strong, commanding and powerful as she is sensitive, alluring, and elegant. You love being admired but also treasure bouts of solitude to sort through your many ideas, emotions, and energies before bringing them back into the outside world. Add in a Pisces ascendant, and you get a fiercely loyal person with an endless stream of romantic ideations, but rarely meeting people with your level of passion. As a result, you can be sometimes seen as a recluse, preferring company amongst your brilliant ideas over the superficiality of the outside world. You are a visionary, and while not all of your ideas come to fruition before you’ve moved on to your next conquest, you are appreciated for your highly creative and ambitious spirit. Not at all interested in superficial interactions or relationships, you attract many but retain few as you tend to have extremely idealistic notions of what they ideal person should be like. You do not commit to anything without fully thinking it through and assessing its worthiness of your devotion, and that self-assuredness radiates through you. These are the things that immediately draw people to you, and Jeon Jungkook is no exception.

In alignment with your emotional and creative spirit, your Pisces ascendant means that you have numerous, ever-changing interests that you do not always stick to for too long. This drives people crazy, but Jungkook adores this about you as he is quite similar in his pursuit of his interests. Together, your relationship is one of constant adventure and thrill-seeking. You are turned on by his spontaneous nature and competitive edge, and he enjoys your ability to get him out of his critical mind, making life truly enjoyable. This extends into bed, wherein you are able to show him just how innovative you are. While his Virgo is more reserved, he’s happy to follow you into any fitting room or the backseat of his Benz where he gets to grab your hips and your tits as you bounce on his cock, his doe eyes taking in the visual as you take him in.

You want your partner to shower you with affection, which is something that Jungkook cannot provide as often as you would like. The reasons you fell for him - his ambition, his pragmatism, his analytic nature - inevitably become points of resentment. Too often his mind is always focused on his next project, hobby or career goal and not enough on maintaining your relationship. His decision to play video games instead of coming directly to you after a long day hurts your feelings, the assuredness you need of his feelings becoming a point of contention. He loves you, and when he is with you he is truly all yours, but is not overly showy of his affections - you are simply supposed to know and trust that they exist. The Scorpio in you wants power, control and knowing that you have his heart, mind, body and soul, but he finds himself unable to reach that level of emotional maturity. 

Though this relationship cannot last, it does not end in a clean break. The sex that ensues as your relationship reaches its end is some of the most intense and passionate you have ever had, as it is in these moments that he can really shed his Virgo armor and be that emotional, vulnerable partner you’ve been craving this entire time. You savor the last moments of his large, strong hands firmly grabbing the back of your legs as he thrusts into you, your knees lifted up to your chest so he can completely fill you up with each stroke. The vigor of his movements contrast with the softness of the moment, your foreheads pressed together as he coos sweetly, his eyes dark and teary. *Look into my eyes while I fuck you baby. P-please, don’t stop. I want to remember this forever.* This does not make the ultimate separation easy, and try as you might to let each other go, there is always a lingering sense of “what ifs” which tie you together for years to come.

There is nothing easy about you, and ultimately you need someone strong who can navigate the changing currents of your personality, which can go from upbeat and energetic to anxious and isolating in a short span of time due to your watery placements. Enter the enigmatic and multidimensional Kim Taehyung.

On the night you meet Tae, you are enthusiastically telling a story to a group of friends during a night out, the drama pouring out of every word which happens when you’re excited. You look over a friend’s shoulder and notice Tae’s smoldering stare from the corner of the room as he admires your animated, emotional and lively demeanor which gives you the green light to approach him. From the moment you start talking, you are drawn to Tae’s innate trademark Capricorn confidence, self-assuredness, and direct nature. You are both highly intuitive and immediately feel at ease with each other, signaling a shared depth that is not often accessed by others. Your instinctive nature is one of your super powers, and from the start you know that it won’t be long until he’s yours. Much to your surprise it is he who has you pressed against the door to his bedroom merely hours later. You can feel his lips form into a smirk against your neck as your frenzied moans escape you, his fingers slipping beneath the folds of your as his length presses into your thigh. *I knew you were a fucking freak.*

You are a person that, thanks to all three placements in water, can essentially shape-shift to fit any given situation. While this was something that can be confusing for some people in your life, Kim Taehyung finds this quality about you extremely entertaining. He enjoys competing with you for power, though knows when to lay back and let you take control. When you get jealous of all the blatant attention he gets, he can quickly laugh it off and appease you with warm words, a soft embrace and forehead kisses or he can bend you over the counter and make you stop being such a brat. It makes you sick to even think of someone else enjoying his perfect cock, but as his fingers rub your clit and he thrusts into you, growling baby into your ear, you remember he’s all yours.

Ultimately, once you learn to fully trust him, you understand the full extent of your shared empathy, compassion, and emotional states. He proves to be an excellent partner, leader and provider - supporting all of your dreams and endeavors while excelling in his own pursuits. The embodiment of fantasy, mystery and excitement, you subconsciously desire and fear stability (which you often equate with routine and boredom). Tae shows you that you can, in fact, have both and the power of truly committing your goals, seeing them through until the end. Instead of jumping ship when things get challenging, Tae forces you to focus on each task at hand. Together, you prove to be a harmonious duo, laying down the foundation for an altogether fulfilling, stable, and exciting life.

[fiveslays-moved]

7 !!

7. Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

ahskd it’s a rare occurrence if faith can sleep without nightmares in some form. 

pre series:     of course when you live in a stressful environment or violent or toxic environment growing up,   you can experience nightmares and faith did.   those nightmares usually involved the same general theme:    it’s dark,   trees fill up the area with a single cabin,   she stands in the heart of the cabin,   things are dead quiet and then she peers past the doorway to see someone appearing to be a man but he’s taller than an average man.   probably seven foot ish?    then it’s a whole shtick of being chased and caught,   then parts of her body are mutilated.    sometimes it might switch it up whether it’s the scenery or the image of who is which is mutilating her but it was always usually very violent,   leaving faith in a helpless and powerless position once again. 

but it doesn’t get any better from there.   it gets so much worse.

so then faith is called.   she is activated as slayer after kendra young’s death.   it’s exciting because now she held power,    she was powerful and no one was ever gonna touch her again and for a while,   those previous nightmares were slowing down.   sometimes she’d still wake up in a cold sweat but it was decreasing.   she had her watcher who she finally let in,   finally trusted who as faith mentioned in the chaos bleeds video game,   “offered her hand” to her,   things were looking up for faith.   kakistos rolled into the party and shook things up.   he brutally and savagely murdered her watcher right in front of faith and made it very clear he was gonna do all that to her.  so she fled when she couldn’t beat him and landed in sunnydale,   trying to hide from him.

when she reached sunnydale,   faith’s sleep pattern is...   erratic at best.   until she killed kakistos,   her dreams were full of him.   usually torturing her to death all while laughing,   sometimes it was the event of her watcher’s murder all over again and faith is frozen;   unable to help her or as it went in real time at that time,   failing in protecting her.   she then wakes up in a defensive position,   almost expecting him to be right there,   finding her as she slept.   those nightmares dissipated after his death.   she was finally free of him.

fast forward to the murders deputy mayor allan finch and the professor,   lester.   these themes are probably the most crucial and important theme.   i’ve thought a lot about the nightmares involving allan,  lester and her guilt surrounding taking their life in the patrol gone wrong and fulfilling a task for the mayor.   

it’s usually the same nightmare with no difference,   it’s so prevalent and haunting that faith loses massive amounts of sleep over it. 

it’s nighttime.   the air is misty and faith is wandering aimlessly around the location of the murder.   she’s...   looking for something although she doesn’t know what it is     ( subconsciously;    this could be a symbolism of looking for a way out to clear her conscience or at least be free from the guilt ),   she walks until her feet stop right at the body.   his last few moments are sketched on his features and faith backs away,   turns away    (    again,   symbolism is a very common thing in the whe.donverse so in this case,   the symbolism here would be denial or rejection of the event  )    and she’s back in her motel room   (   or wherever she’s staying at;   her nightmare isn’t exempt from taking away her current shelter of safety   ),   seemingly woke up.   she breaths a sigh of relief and goes to the bathroom to wash up.   things seem normal until the water runs.   blood runs through the pipes and faith panics,   going to flee to the front door to make her exit but she is stopped by the empty room surrounding her with the only door to the exit missing,   there’s no door so no escape.   the room is empty except for allan’s body   (   and later,   lester    )    displayed in a corner,   fresh with the stab wound in place.   she stares at him,   blinking away a tear that stands in the corner of her eye,   swallowing it down.   all of a sudden,   the corpse’s mouth begins to move,   he’s trying to say something - much like the real event but faith doesn’t get closer to hear what he’s trying to say,   blood water pooling from underneath the bathroom door and the stake she used to kill him with flashes in and out beside him   (    oof,   go me for creating a foreshadowing nod to graduation day part two   )     faith backs away once again and she’s to the dumping site,   where she weighted the body and finch is alive,   staring at her with a beaming pain in his eyes,   “look what you did to me... ”    he speaks with a shudder in his voice and his wound bleeds fresh again with his blood soaking his shirt.   and that’s usually when faith wakes up.

after she murders lester,    he usually appears separately from finch and it’s usually in the apartment she murdered him in,   they’re having a pleasant discussion,   faith doesn’t know or remember what it’s usually about     (    this symbolism is probably in connection to the real event where she didn’t want to really spend time with small talk,   just wanting to do the job and be done so it’s almost like an extension of that     )     and he casually,   almost cheerfully remarks,   “is it time yet?” and she’s confused,    responding with,   “time for what?”   and he replies,   pulling the knife out she used to gut him with and looks it over,   saddened,   his attention turns back to faith.  “it’s what you’re here for, isn’t it?”    -   a meaning of faith really blurring the line between herself and a killer,   herself before the killings being lost in the midst at the time of his murder.

sometimes she can have a duo nightmare of guilt where they both meet her in the end of the alley,   only this time lester is beside him.   he doesn’t look angry or cheerful,   he looks incredibly saddened,   holding the knife in his hand and this time,   rain starts pouring and light thunder rumbles in the distance.   she looks to the water and their bodies float to the surface which would be a new,   unsettling detail.   even though she didn’t weigh lester in the water,   he’s there.    

i could go into the full dream + nightmare of the comatose recurring nightmare which i kinda touched upon in a reply here and it’s form of symbolisms but the general theme of faith’s comatose nightmare and a general theme i’m noticing as i’ve written out faith’s nightmares is the theme of running away from the issue which is what faith does in her waking life.   she does what she does best which is avoiding the issue,  the problem,   figuring if she doesn’t take the issue head on,   it’ll just be “forgotten about” which kind’ve goes hand in hand with faith’s childhood.   i can tell you from first hand experience coming from a home like that,   you tend to learn what you’re taught which is basically not deal with things or your emotions.   there’s also a pattern of helplessness or powerlessness in her nightmares which is one of faith’s biggest fears in her waking life.   

i’m happy to say once faith turned herself in and spent some time inside,   she suffers from all these nightmares   /   night terrors less.   post series,   faith’s nightmares are pretty average.   it’s mostly a theme of loss or fear of loss,   losing those who she is close to.    

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT QUESTIONS:   HARD MODE.