#and don't get me wrong I'm going to finish and (eventually) post it anyway because it's my idea and I want to do that but. jfc it would

[musical-chick-13]

Tfw you're gonna need someone to Look Over Your Writing, but the writing topic is kinda fucked up and you don't want to traumatize whoever will theoretically be looking at this.

[measuredingold]

fallingforyou

authors note: finally finished this folio piece i've been working on for about two weeks!!! i enjoyed writing this a lot and wish i had wrote it a bit longer, but i'm trying to work on not writing as much for short one-shots (unless you guys like longer writing!) as always enjoy and feedback is appreciated :)

pairing: nick folio x reader

cross-posted on ao3

word count: 4.8k

cw/tags: friends to lovers, p in v, unprotected sex (be safe!!!!! wrap it up folks!!!), fluff, nick being a sweetie, drinking/alcohol consumption, 18+ minors do not interact

The whiskey hit the back of his throat with a burn. Nick's face scrunches up in displeasure as he swallows it down, body tingling from the alcohol. He didn't expect himself to end up here, but his friends wanted his first few nights at home to be exciting. His friends told him he’d have enough time to sleep later. He had been touring almost for five months straight, and the thought of getting the next almost three months off was pure heaven to him. 

Someone next to him called for another round of shots, probably whiskey again, and Nick had to say a prayer to himself before bringing his beer bottle up to his lips. He cleansed his palette, which is hilarious when he realizes he's doing it with more alcohol, but it tastes better than the whiskey his buddies have been pounding down for the last hour. 

"So, Folio," One of them said, leaning towards him across the table. "Meet anyone special out on the road?"

He snorts, head shaking. "Nah, man. Barely had any time." 

"Seriously?" Another one says. "Thought you'd have hundreds of people throwing themselves at your feet."

"We're not like that, dude." Nick responds, a tipsy laugh tumbling from his lips. "I mean, don't get me wrong - we've hooked up with people before but," He shrugs. "We're kind of really boring."

"You? Boring?" His friend across from him snorted, throwing his head back in laughter. "Dude, you were fucking crazy in high school."

"Yeah. High school." Nick rolls his eyes. "I'm 26. I'm old, man, I can't keep up anymore."

The table breaks out in mumbled agreement. It's clear that they're all getting older, and things aren't how they used to be, and Nick kind of likes it that way. Yeah, he likes to party, he fucking loves to drink, and a hook-up here and there is nice every once in a while. It just doesn’t do much for him anymore.

He likes to take it slow; he likes exploring with his friends when they’re in a city they’ve never been to before, and he really likes to sleep. A lot. Jetlag is a bitch and the more you fight it, the more screwed you’re going to be. Trust him, he knows.

The conversation switches and Nick’s only half listening, eyes scanning the bar to see if there’s anyone he may know here. It’s a long shot, because most of the people he knows is already here with him, but he looks anyways.

His eyes find you before you ever find him. 

You look as beautiful as ever and the smile adorn on your lips has Nick's stomach turning in a way he hasn't felt in ages. Probably since the last time he saw you. You met in high school and became somewhat friends, you had been dating a buddy of his, he eventually dated a friend of yours at one point, and so on and so forth. You were always around, and he liked it.

He had seen you at a wedding last summer, no date just like him, and the two of you had spoken for hours that night as if no time had passed. It was nice, but he won't forget the ache in his heart when you called it a night. He walked you out to your car and you had left him with a kiss on his cheek and a playful threat of fighting him if he doesn't text you the next time he's in town.

He never did.

Your eyes finally catch his and something crosses your face, but he can't quite put his finger on what it is exactly. He's nervous, scared you'll be upset with him for not letting you know he's home - and for a while at that - but your lips are stretching into an even wider smile and his shoulders relax. 

"Look what the cat dragged in." You say, a teasing grin settling on your lips as you walk up to his table. He smiles up at you.

"Long time no see, stranger." 

"And who's fault is that?" You tease before sliding in the empty chair beside him. He's sure his buddy can find another place to sit.

"Oh, come on. Don't be like that."

"Be like what?" Your head tilts, feigning innocence. "I'm not the one who promised to tell me the next time they'll be in town."

He gives you a sheepish look, leaning away from you as he slumped back into his seat. "You got me there."

You smile at him now, a real one, and place a hand on his arm.

"Hey," You say softly, "I was just joking. I know you're busy flying around the world being a fucking badass. I'd probably forget, too."

"I won't forget next time. Swear." Nick holds his pinky up for emphasis and you immediately wrap your own around his. He smiles. "Plus, I'm home even longer now."

Your brows quirk up in interest. "Oh?"

"Mhm." Your pinkies are still wrapped around each other's, and his gaze drops down to them before looking back up. "Almost three months. You're gonna be sick of me."

"Holy shit." Your eyes widen. "Finally gonna take me out to lunch then, huh?"

His brows scrunch together in confusion before realization dawns on him. He laughs, unwrapping his pinky from around yours to bring his hand up to run through his hair.

"How the hell do you remember that?"

It was yet another promise he made at that wedding last summer, when the two of you had sat by each other at the reception. A few beers in, feeling a bit tipsy and a lot brave, Nick had brought up one of his favorite lunch spots at home. You'd never been there before, only heard of it in passing, and he had told you he'd take you there the next time he was in town. His treat, he had said.

"You promised!"

His pauses for a moment, eyes locked on yours and he can't help but smile to himself. You're seriously the most beautiful person he's ever laid eyes on, he decides right then and there. 

"Looks like I'll be taking you out then."

Before you could reply, Nick’s buddy is back with shots and handing them out to everyone at the table. He groans to himself when one finds its way into his hand, and he gives you a look. You’re already laughing.

“What? Can’t do shots anymore?”

“Dude, this is like my 4th one. I’m not sure how many more I can take.”

His friends held one out to you, brow raised as an offering. You take it.

“Here,” You turn your body towards Nick, holding the shot glass out. ”I’ll take one with you. Only one,” With your free hand you hold one finger up, lips curling into a smile. “Still gotta get my ass home.”

Nick groans again. “I wish I had that excuse. My buddy drove me here, so now I’m literally forced to drink.”

“Oh, you poor baby. Whatever shall you do?”

He rolls his eyes but knows his cheeks are heating up, the term of endearment getting to him. The table cheers in unison and he clinks his glass against yours before bringing it to his lips. You keep eye contact as you do the same, and the both of you swallow down the shot. You make a face first, visibly shaking, and then Nick follows, laughter soon escaping him.

“Holy shit, that was terrible.” You cough and Nick only laughs harder.

“Who can’t take shots now?”

You glare at him, though he knows there’s no malice behind it. “Watch it, Folio.”

He’s already feeling good, the alcohol slowly getting to him, and he leans into your space.

“Or what?”

You pause, gazing into his eyes. His heart thuds against his chest when he watched your eyes drop to his lips but in a split second they’re back on his, and you lean forward.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

This cat and mouse game between the two of you has been going on for years now, but Nick was too scared to make the first move. You were friends, who’ve been kind of flirting for years, and he’s seriously thought about kissing you ever since junior year. It’s crazy how he hasn’t… yet.  

“Actually, I think I would.” His arm settles around the back of your chair, but he doesn’t touch you.

You don’t budge, holding his steady gaze, but Nick can see the flush beginning to form on your cheeks. You don’t respond and he tilts his head, giving you a pointed look, and before he could say anything that could get him in trouble his friend is shouting across the table.

"Folio!" The both of you turn your focus to his friend, and Nick's brows furrow together. "You guys wanna play?"

He holds up a pool stick and Nick grins before looking back at you, raising a brow in question. 

"You wanna?"

"I don't know," You say with a shrug, your lips already curling at the end. "You any good?"

"Oh, sweetheart." He coos softly. "I'm the best damn pool player in Maryland."

"Is that so?" Nick nods proudly and your lips stretch into a grin in which he returns, and you push your chair back. "Well, isn't it my lucky day?”

"It sure is." He pushes his own chair back and stands up. "I hope you're ready to kick some ass."

It wasn't too hard to beat Nick's friends, them being a bit too intoxicated to really take the game seriously. It also helped that he was actually good at pool, not fibbing to make himself seem cooler in front of you. You were a pretty decent partner too, getting a few balls down yourself, and when the two of you came out triumphant for the third time in a row, Nick didn't stop himself from wrapping an arm around your shoulder to pull you into his side.

"We make a pretty good team, huh?" 

You look up at him and smile prettily, and it has Nick's stomach turning, and lean into his touch. "I say we do, Folio."

A few more rounds, all won by your team, the group finally decided to call it a night. Nick walks you out to your car, telling his friend who drove him here that he'll be back in a second. He was a gentleman, so of course he'd make sure you made it back to your car safe. He also wasn't ready to say goodbye yet, chest already heavy at the thought.

"You free Friday?" Nick shoves his hands in his pocket, tongue darting out to swipe over his bottom lip. "We could get lunch then. If you'd like."

You look up at him through your lashes and he feels his heart thud sporadically against his chest, but he tries to play it cool. 

"I'd like that a lot." You say softly.

"Cool. I'll actually text you this time." He teases and you laugh, and it sounds like music to his ears. 

Nick watches as you pull your bottom lip in between your teeth, trying to keep your smile from spreading. His body warms at that, and he finds it becoming hard to look away from your mouth and the curve of your lips, wondering what they would feel like pressed against his own. He finally gazes back up to find you staring at him intently, brows furrowed as if you're in deep thought.

"What's going on up in that head of yours?"

"Tell me if I'm crossing any lines here." You rub your hands nervously together, “I kind of don’t want tonight to end just yet… I really like talking to you.”

His cheeks flush. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” You smile, all shy and cute and it has Nick wanting to reach out and kiss you right then and there. “Do you… want to come back to my place? To hang out. Me and you.”

His eyes widen. Oh. You’re asking him to go back to your place, alone, and even though you could very well just want to talk, it still has his body heating up.

“Oh.” He says dumbly, still in shock.

"Fuck. Did I read this wrong?" You begin to panic, your cheeks heating up with color. Nick notices immediately and is quick to shake his head, eyes widening.

"No! I mean," He clears his throat, giving you a bashful smile. "Um. No. I don't think you read this wrong at all."

He catches your eyes and sees you visibly relax, but the flush to your cheeks deepens. 

"Oh." You drop your head, hair falling in your face to hide your burning cheeks. Nick can't stop himself from smiling. "Really?"

"Yes, really." He laughs. "I like hanging out with you. I always have."

He hasn't had a sip of alcohol since the shot the two of you took together hours ago and he knows he can't blame this bravery on that, but he likes to think that maybe there's still some liquid courage coursing through his veins. You look up again, a shy smile on your lips.

"So, you’re saying it wouldn't be too crazy to ask you to come home with me?" You ask softly. 

Your words have Nick's body tingling, excitement running through him. He's not sure what you mean exactly, and maybe you seriously just want to hang out more and talk - in which he's completely okay with - but there was a look in your eyes, something he caught the last time he was with you, and his stomach turned again.

"Not crazy at all." His tongue darts out to swipe over his bottom lip one more time before looking off to the side to hide the growing smile on his lips. "Let me just... Let me go tell him you'll be taking me home, okay? I'll be right back."

You nod, still smiling prettily, and he watches you get into your car. He turns to find his friend leaned up against his car a few spots down already staring at him, brows raised in question.

"Uh, I think she's taking me home tonight."

It takes a moment for the words to settle, his friend’s eyes widening. "No fucking way."

"Not like that!" Nick's quick to get out, but he knows he's lying. It's definitely like that. "We're just catching up."

"Oh, I'm sure you'll be catching up alright." His friend teases and Nick rolls his eyes.

"Dude. Shut up."

Nick waves him off as they both say their goodbyes and he made his way back to your car. He takes a deep breath before getting in, giving you a smile while he buckled himself in.

“Ready?” You question, already putting your car in reverse.

Nick settles back against the seat, getting himself comfortable, and nods.

...

The two of you sit across from each other on your couch, beers in hand as Nick goes on another story about his recent travels. You had been the one to ask him, curious about what life is like on the road, and with the alcohol still coursing through his veins it was pretty hard for Nick to stop talking.

"...Sorry," He lets out sheepishly, head dipping down to hide his blush. "I'm probably boring you."

"No!" You quickly get out; your cheeks now flushed a light crimson shade. "No, it's fine. I like hearing your stories."

"Yeah?" He lifts his head up and gives you a smile, which you return easily.

"Of course. It's so exciting to hear about all the places you've been," You pull your legs up onto the couch and rest them underneath you. "I also just like hearing you talk."

"So, what you’re telling me is that you like my voice?”

"Mhm." You nod. “That’s exactly what I’m telling you.” 

Nick looks at you, and your eyes meet, and he feels the world kind of... stop. He can't even blame this on the beer, because even with the alcohol flowing through him, he's always thought you were beautiful. Especially your eyes, a shade of green he wasn't familiar with, all round and pretty and welcoming. 

"I don't think I've ever told you this," His fingers grip around the glass bottle in his hands and he shifts on the couch, subsequently moving closer to you, "but I think you have the prettiest eyes I've ever seen."

This catches you off guard and you laugh, light and airy, and Nick loved the way your eyes crinkled. Your face flushes a deeper shade of pink, probably from the alcohol mixed with the unusual compliment, and he smiles. 

"No, you've never told me that." You say once your laughter has died down, eyes landing back on him. "Thank you, Nick."

"Of course."

A pleasant silence falls between the two of you and he's just noticed how close you were, your legs pressing against each other. He tries to ignore the way his heart hammers against his chest, and he sucks in a breath when your hand comes down to rest against his thigh. He drops his gaze to your fingers before flicking them back up to yours, and you’re already staring, bottom lip pulled between your teeth.

Nobody moves for a solid minute, just the two of you staring at each other to see who makes the first move. Nick doesn’t miss the way your eyes dropped to his lips like they had in the parking lot, the way your chest rose and fell with a deep breath, and he leans over to grab the beer bottle still secure in your free hand but surely forgotten. You don’t say anything when he places both your forgotten bottles on the coffee table beside the couch before turning back to face you, shifting his body closer to yours.

He places a hand against yours that still rests against his thigh, and your fingers easily slide in between his own. He looks down at them, smiling softly at the way your hands fit together almost perfectly before he feels your hand underneath his chin, tilting his head up.

“Wait.” He says suddenly when he feels the two of you start to lean in, lips barely inches apart. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Nick,” You huff out, your hand now moving to cup the side of his face. He leans into the touch immediately. “I don’t think you understand how badly I want this.”

He laughs. “Oh, babe. I think I do.”

You lean in closer now, nose brushing against his and if he just tilted his head down just right your lips would be touching. His stomach swirls with butterflies and squeezes your hand that’s still in his.

“Then kiss me.”

Fuck it.

He tilts his head down, capturing your lips against his own. You let out a noise, something mixed of a sigh and a whine, and your hand squeezes his. Your lips moved together slowly, unsure, before Nick released his grip on your hand to reach up and cup your face. He was determined now, tongue darting out to swipe at your bottom lip, and you made another noise. It went straight through him, body buzzing in excitement at this newfound territory that he didn’t want to lose just yet.

You pull away, only to your shirt off of your body, and then you’re leaning back against the couch, pulling Nick with you. He follows, the two of your shifting around for him to easily slide in between your legs before his lips are back against yours and with a purpose.

You feel soft in his hold, and the way your body pressed against his was something he’s never experienced before. His hands shook as they gripped your hips, rolling his flush against yours, and the sound you let escape was heavenly. He groans, his cock hardening with each roll of your hips and he has to pull away to catch his breath.

He looks down at you, your eyes hooded, and lips parted, and he has to bite down on his lip to hold in the groan that’s threatening to escape. You look so fucking beautiful underneath him, the fucked-out expression you wore on your face is something he’s never going to forget, tucking it into the back of his mind for another time. He sits up to remove his shirt, tossing it somewhere in the room and you’re already shimmying out of your jeans, kicking them off.

“Eager much?” He teases, though he’s a little breathless at the sight of you only in your underwear. He’s already messing with the zipper of his jeans before you even respond.

“Fuck you.”

“That’s why I’m trying to do here, darlin’.”

A whine pulls out from deep in your chest and it goes straight to Nick’s already achingly hard cock, and he’s quick to rid himself of his jeans. He’s on you again in seconds, lips finding yours again as he finds solitude in between your thighs. He rolls his hips down and moans against yours lips, the feeling of your clothed and already damp core against his cock has his mind going hazy for a second or two.

“Fuck,” He grunts out, pulling away again briefly. “Do you have a condom? I wasn’t exactly prepared for this.”

Your arms move to wrap around his neck, pulling him back down to you. “I’m on the pill, and I don’t think I’m patient enough to dig around for one. I need you now.”

His cock twitches at your words.

“Are you sure?”

“Nick.” You groan this time, annoyed, and you nip at his bottom lip before pulling back, head pressing back against the arm of the couch. He sucks in a breath when your eyes meet. “I trust you. And if I’m being honest, if you’re not inside me in the next ten fucking seconds I will lose my goddamn mind.”

Nick lets out a surprised laugh and your cheeks flush. He sits up to pull his boxers down and watches you shimmy your underwear down, sitting up briefly to remove your bra before falling back on the couch. He settles back in between your legs, lifting them up to wrap around his waist.

“Demanding little thing, huh?” His voice is low as he wraps a hand around his aching cock, the tip glaringly red as he gives himself a few strokes. “I like it.”

You keen at his words, eyes fluttering shut and he has to collect himself and not pound into you immediately. He takes his time, though, slowly sliding the tip up and down your already soaked folds. The moan that rips from you the second he pushes in has something beneath his chest twisting, the butterflies in his stomach fluttering around wildly.

He’s not even all the way in but you already feel incredible, your cunt clenching around him as you take him inch by inch. He’s sure by the scrunch of your face and the way your nails dig into his forearms that the stretch isn’t the most pleasant, and he leans over, fluttering kisses around your face.

“Okay?” He questions, voice already strained. You give a little nod but don’t bother opening your eyes. “Taking me so well already, baby. So fucking good.”

Your whole body flushes at his words and you clench around his length again, and Nick’s vision blurs briefly. He’s not sure how he’s going to last longer than thirty seconds at this point. He sucks in a deep breath when he finally bottoms out, hips pressed flushed against yours, and you whine.

He stills, worry rushing through him. “Feel alright?”

You finally open your eyes, lids heavy and gaze hazy, and give another nod of your head.

“Mhm. Just feel…” You whimper out, hips wiggling down before you gasp. “So full.”

“You feel fucking incredible.” He groans out, forehead pressing against yours. Your arms reach up to wrap around his neck and he kisses you, soft and gentle. “Tell me when I can move.”

“Move.” You whine, hips wiggling again. “Please move, baby.”

The first roll of his hips has you moaning out, but Nick swallows it with another kiss. His hands roam over your body as you move together and he feels you shudder in his hold as he gives a rather deep roll of his hips, gasping out his name softly. He can’t help but whine into your mouth, wanting to make you say his name over and over and over again. It sounded like you were meant to say it, all pretty and fucked out, nails now digging into his shoulders as he picks up speed.

He reaches down between the two of you, pressing calloused fingers against your throbbing clit and rubs circles in time with his thrusts. You throw your head back, eyes squeezing shut as a low, deep moan falls from your now swollen lips, and Nick leans forward and presses open mouthed kisses along your exposed neck, his thrusts or fingers not letting up.

“Nick…” You whimper out, nails digging even further into his shoulders that he’s sure there will be a mark tomorrow. He’ll be surprised if you don’t break. “Fuck.”

“I love when you say my name.” He groans against your neck and gives another deep roll of his hips, causing your back to arch off the couch. “You close, baby? Tell me what to do, wanna make you feel good.”

You moan. “Keep doing what you’re doing, please. Don’t stop.”

He doesn’t, continuing to rub your swollen clit in time with his thrusts, your cunt clenching around him so tightly he almost forgets how to fucking breathe. You feel other worldly, like something he’s never experienced before, and he swears he sees fucking stars the second he feels your cunt clench around him one last time. You come with a shout of his name, body shaking under him as your orgasm spread throughout your body.

He moans, pressing his face against your neck as he chases his own high, and he somehow remembers to pull out, fisting his cock and giving it a few sharp tugs before he spills all over your stomach. His chest rises and falls heavy with each breath he took, hair falling in his face as he tries to come back to earth. He looks down at you and his heart skips a beat, as cliché as it sounds, at the fucked out grin on your lips.

Nick can’t help himself and he leans down, lips catching your own in the most tender kiss he can muster up at the moment.

“Where’s your bathroom?” He questions once he pulls away, moving some hair out of your, and tsks softly when you try to push him back and sit up. “No, no, no. Stay here. I got it.”

You pause, peering up at him before you slowly lay back down. “Down the hall, first door to the left.”

Nick pulls himself up from the couch with a groan, eyes scanning the room to find his boxers before he reaches down for them and puts them on. It doesn’t take him more than a minute to get to the bathroom and find something to wipe you off with, and he comes back into the living room to find you right where he left you. He wipes up the mess he made on your stomach and is gentle in between your legs, lips curling in a slight smirk at the way you squirmed when he did so.

You’re quiet when you finally stand from the couch, searching for you shirt. He can’t help but watch, the curves of your body forever embedded in his mind, and his eyes linger when he notices the bottom of your shirt barely covers your ass. You turn to look at him, cheeks still flushed, but you wore an expression as if you were in deep thought. He thought it was the cutest thing ever, his lips tugging into a smile.

“What?” He questions, leaning back against the couch. You shrug, a smile slowly creeping onto your own lips.

“…Would it be crazy to ask you to stay the night?”

His smile only widens at your words, heart thudding against his chest.

“As long as you let me buy you breakfast in the morning.”

“Breakfast and lunch?” You reach out for him, and he lets you tug him up from the couch, lacing your fingers together as you drag him towards your bedroom. “Sounds almost as if you like me or something, Folio.”

“Maybe I do.”

You pause in the doorway, looking up at him with wide, pretty eyes and he doesn’t stop himself from leaning down, pressing a chaste kiss to your lips. You giggle when he pulls away and tug him into your room.

“It’s a date.”

[your-next-daydream]

@libsterish

Hello! I accidentally posted the work before finishing it so I'm sorry for the inconvenience. Thank you for the compliment and I will do the best I can with this ask. I'd like to give a warning that I don't process emotions in a normal way so I usually 'mirror' or basically mimic other people. I'll try my best and if it seems a little off please let me know.

Though I do like this idea a lot so I'll be doing all 7 of the brothers also because I know someone is going to request all of them for this anyways. If anyone would like a part two with the dateables please let me know.

Did read over it for errors, my punctuation isn't the best though. If you see any errors please let me know.

Lucifer

He never usually intends to hurt anyone with his words or actions it usually just kind of happens. Once he gets going it's hard for him to stop.

Apologizing or admitting he's wrong does not happen often at all.

He'll show you that he's sorry by taking some of your chores, helping you with some school work, buying you an item he knows you've been looking for.

If you start crying he tones down his rant to a whisper quickly makes his point and then just kind of sits there in his chair awkwardly.

After a little while of silence while you are trying to control your sniffles and small sobs. He eventually stands up and holds his arms out for a hug.

He won't and kind of can't outright say sorry so this is the best he can do.

"I'll try my best to not be as harsh, I failed to take your feelings and stress about being here in the first place into consideration."

Now if he were to accidentally scare you somehow you would most probably be met with a laugh he attempts to hide with a cough.

"i-its not funny Lucifer!" You shouted after he had suddenly come around the corner you bumping into him.

"I know, I know I didn't mean to scare you." He said while a corner of his mouth was lifted up in amusement. "Come here it's alright nothing is going to hurt you right now." Pulling you into his arms he wrapped his jacket around you rocking you side to side. "Though I must say you look adorable while frightened."

You squeaked burying your face into the fabric of his shirt squeezing your arms tighter around his waist. "Shut up I am not-" you grumbled lightly shoving at him.

From then on you "accidentally" get startled by him way more often than before that altercation.

Whenever you are particularly blunt or snappy it takes him a second to process it, usually no one would dare say such things to him. "Oh is that so now, MC?" he would say in a sterner tone.

When your eyes started tearing up and you started muttering out apologies he...was confused and didn't know what to do.

Mammon

Mammon's better at hiding most of his emotions behind cockiness.

Whenever one of the brothers tries to intentionally scare you he's all over it, he'll start telling them off immediately. Lucifer was impressed when Mammon held his own against him.

That was until he caught Mammon trying to scare you himself so he scared Mammon as he was scaring you. "Heh, two pointer." He smirked before walking off.

You and Mammon stood there for a bit holding each other.

Both still standing there watching Lucifer walk off you whipped your head towards the avatar. "Wait were you trying to scare me!?"

He jumped back now realizing how close he was to you. "W-what! Of course not! Lucifer just tried to get me you saw! Of course I wasn't actually scared though I just didn't want ya to feel left out is all." He grumbled crossing his arms in front of himself.

When you cry he starts freaking out most of the time.

He'll sit with you and wait for you to calm down before asking you questions.

He had to ask his brothers what to do if you started really freaking out.

If he sells something of yours and you start sobbing over it he'll do his best to try and get it back.

If he can't get the item back he'll put it off as long as he can, but he'll end up asking Lucifer for help eventually.

He absolutely loves to try and embarrass you. Though most of the time he gets embarrassed himself and can accidentally end up hurting your feelings due to his personality type.

All in all he doesn't mean to hurt you and will profusely apologize by giving you small gifts or doing his best to not do it again.

Leviathan

You two must be cut from the same cloth at this rate.

You cry? He cries. You get embarrassed? He gets embarrassed. You get scared? He's right there with you.

You two actually end up accidentally scaring each other quite frequently.

He'll be coming around the corner not paying attention or something akin to that. Playing his game and bump right into you.

"M-MC!? I'm so sorry please forgive me I-I wasn't watching where I was going!" Pink tints the tips of his ears as he dips his head down in a apology.

"I-It's alright Levi you just startled me is all! I wasn't watching where I was going either!" You attempt to step past him but he tried going that way as well.

For the next three minutes you both were like that trying to step around the other too nervous to tell the other what to do.

Gently Levi grabbed both of your shoulders and spun you both around. "Wait I'm sorry I didn't ask I forgot! B-but we are both in the direction we need to go in now..." Trailing off he pulled his game back up to check his progress. "Would you like to come game with me if you aren't busy? O-or we could watch something?" Looking anywhere but at you he awaited your answer.

"I'd be happy to! Let's go!" You grabbed his hand leading him back towards his room. Realizing a few moments later that you had grabbed his hand...meaning you initiated hand holding. You looked back at him just to see him hiding his face behind his unoccupied hand.

Most of the brothers leave the room when you both are around each other and are embarrassed. You both stutter too much in their opinion.

Only ones who don't really get irritated are Beel and Belphie usually just falls asleep anyways.

Levi does love you, he could never say it but he does.

I feel like the only way he would say it at first is in Japanese and very rushed.

He did say it in Japanese once but he made the mistake of saying it around one of the brothers and they told you what it meant on the spot.

"Why'd you have to go and tell them what that means!?" He proceeded to yell his face aflame with red.

Your eyes widened and your face started to match Levi's as well.

If you start seriously crying over anything or have a panic attack he also starts panicking. He'll take a couple of breaths and ask you what you need and wait until you give him an answer.

He'll be shaky but he'll do anything in his power to help you.

Satan

At first he thinks you are like Asmo and you are being theatrical.

Once he realizes that you aren't he feels a little bad.

He'll stop spooking you like he used to or as much as he can.

It can't be helped they are all demons, it's going to happen eventually.

Tries his absolute best to keep his temper and irritation in check when around you.

He appreciates your bluntness in various situations. He also likes it when your personality ticks off Lucifer.

He'll step in and start an argument with Lucifer if his dear older brother decides to offend you in any way.

If you start crying from the fighting he'll cut the conversation short and gently steer you towards his room or the library.

Sometimes he doesn't understand how you can be so open and trusting, he'll lightly scold you for being so naive with demons.

"I just don't understand why you tell us certain things about yourself! I mean aren't you scared at all one of us could use that against you!" He scolded not particularly mad at you just confused.

You looked away from him a sheepish expression on your face. "I'm sorry, I know I'm too trustworthy I've been told that a lot." Taking a shakey breath you continued. "But I love you guys and I know you love me so I have hope you won't hurt me intentionally."

He looked at you tilting his head taking your words into consideration. Letting out a scoff he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Well as glad as I am that you trust me so much, just be careful. Yeah?" Lowering his hand from his face he rested it on your cheek wiping away any tears that may have formed.

He doesn't think any less of you for your rampant emotions. He just feels you should take into consideration how much you let off.

He'll help you with that if you want. Offering himself as an example, giving you books, or just letting you talk and cry to him.

Won't hesitate to put someone in their place for hurting you.

Asmodeus

He doesn't mind it too much at all, he hangs around with a lot of different groups and people not much gets to him anymore.

Though when you get spooked or start blushing like crazy he'll definitely be relentless with his teasing.

He also is one who appreciates the bluntness to an extent of course, he still appreciates it nonetheless.

Will flirt with you as much as he can because he just loves seeing your face all heated! Will also get a bit handsy if you don't outright tell him you don't like being touched.

Though if you manage to tease him back in some way he'll be ecstatic by the return in energy.

If he gets scared at the same time as you he'll let out a sharp shriek and cling to you as you do the same to him.

He'll try and play it off like he was shielding you from the scary party, usually he ends up agreeing he was also startled.

He can be a little rude or critical sometimes. He doesn't mean to a lot of the time he just thinks people should know if they look bad or are in general just wrong.

If he were to accidentally offend you in any way to where you were brought to tears, he'd attempt to fix the situation.

"Oh jeez did that hurt your feelings? Well I am sorry but I do still think that outfit isn't entirely a good idea." He ponders for a second before squishing your cheeks. "Tell you what! We'll take that outfit and coordinate it a little better and then post pictures! Fashion advice from The Asmodeus is a very rare thing to receive my darling!"

You sniffled but rolled your eyes realizing that he just meant well and wasn't trying to hurt you intentionally. "Alright but you're doing all the work because you hurt my feelings!" You huffed standing from where you were seated on his bed.

He winked at you before speaking. "Does that mean I get to undress you as well?~"

You could practically feel the shade of pink that was spreading on your cheeks. "N-NO!" you shouted. "Now sh-shut up and do what you said you were going to do!"

He meant well he really did, he swears upon his own life. Well kind of his life is precious after all~ ;)

All in all he doesn't mind the high emotions very much. If you were to start spiraling he wouldn't be very good at comforting you but he will pamper the hell out of you.

Beelzebub

He doesn't mind all that much.

Seeing all the emotions that all of his brothers have and the fact that they sometimes come to him talk because he'll just listen. He's kind of used to it by now.

If you start crying or are generally upset he'll offer you a snack if he didn't eat it first.

And if you want to talk he'll let you do that too, sometimes he actually has some pretty good advice or solutions as well.

Out of all of the brothers I think he has the best hugs and the most comforting embrace.

He's calm down Satan from fits the rage, Levi from panic attacks, Mammon from anxiety, and so on and so forth.

To say the least he'd be pretty decent at calming someone down.

You had just finished being lectured by Lucifer and we're making your way back to your room. Shakey and tears starting to well up in your eyes you made it to your room sliding down to the floor beside the door. You weren't scared of Lucifer in those moments you simply didn't take well to being scolded, as if you were in your head about how worthless you are.

However on your way to your room you had failed to notice that you had passed by the Avatar of Gluttony himself. You didn't notice him but he definitely noticed you and how distraught you looked. He came to the door that led to your room and gently opened it up. "Hey MC, do you want to talk about it?"

You looked up from him where your head was resting on your knees. Shaking your head you held your hands out to him, silently asking for help up.

He leaned down instead picking you up fully, not reacting to your squeak of surprise much other than a small chuckle. "It's okay to feel bad sometimes, but it's better to not be alone." He said laying you down on your bed joining you soon after himself. Opening his arms he offered himself as an open invitation.

You buried your face in his chest wrapping your arms around his waist tightly. "Thank you Beel I appreciate this, I love you." You mumbled your sniffles starting to subside.

He hummed in acknowledgment putting one of his arms under his head and the other around you. "I love you too MC and I'll always be here when you need me."

In other words he handles it the best out of everyone.

The others might snap on you for your personality sometimes, but he won't. I really can't see him being bothered by how anyone acts. Unless it becomes a big problem to his brothers or disturbs his food times.

Like I know they're demons but this is Beel.

Belphegor

Just like Beel he could honestly care less, but he is a lot more of a brat than Beel.

If he can use your personality to irritate Lucifer in any way possible, he'll do it.

He likes making you jump from time to time.

He doesn't like to remind you of what he did though. Deep down he still feels guilty about that And he's a little irritated everyone just kind of threw it under the rug and forgot about it.

If you start freaking out about anything he'll sit with you and let you talk. He'll lay against you or lay his head in your lap, letting you play with his hair so you have something to focus on.

Don't blame him if he ends up falling asleep though.

Seriously come on he's the Avatar of sloth.

He notices all his brothers have a soft spot for you so he used that to his advantage.

He watched Mammon storm towards him yelling about missing bedding in his room. "MC said they were cold and they liked your stuff because it smells like you." Now that was a lie that they had asked for the stuff, other part easy true though so the lie cancels out in his opinion.

Mammon stopped in his tracks a bashful expression coming across his face. "O-oh really? Of course they'd want my stuff the most! Yeah that's fine just tell them to make sure I get it back soon or I'm stealing theirs!"

He snickered watching Mammon walk off settling back down on the couch. Laying on his back he looked up just to be met with your face. Jumping back up he shouted, "Hey give a man a warning before doing that!" Before laying right back down.

You rolled your eyes plopping down right near him. "oh yeah? What was that all about? Putting the blame on me?"

He shrugged pulling a blanket off the side of the couch on top of him tucking it in under his chin. "What can I say they like you and it makes my life easier."

You looked at him incredulously. "So you don't have a soft spot for me? Is all I am just a justifiable excuse for you to use?" You scoffed standing up to walk past him.

You felt a snatch on your sleeve before an arm wrapped around your waist pulling you down. "Now I never said that." He pulled the blanket over top of you as well tucking his head in the crook of your neck. "You're really important to me too...or whatever. You know what I mean!"

He's an ass but yes he does love you as well.

Chokes him up sometimes if you know what I'm saying.

He lets you steal his pillow for a couple of hours on very rare occasions. Other than that he'll give you one of his regular pillows, blankets, or articles of his upper wear.

****************************

Anyways apologies that took so long to get out, moving has been a pain.

[starsandsins]

Sweet Melody

| My second fanfic!! Yay! also I couldn't finish the story line last night so, This was uploaded kind of late! Again, English isn't my first language so please excuse my wrong grammars🙏

| daughter of Aphrodite!Reader x Luke Castellan

| Pronouns: you or y/n

| MUST READ: Just Luke Castellan watching reader from afar, reader also isn't aware Luke likes her 🤷‍♀️

| Warning: VERY short🙏 (bear w me, I ran out of ideas), ALSO a very Weird Logic

THANKS FOR MAKING ME REACH 120+ NOTES ON MY FIRST POST!

go check it out if you haven't!

'My Only Star'

Summary

You were really close with the Apollo kids and they adored you just like you did with them, one peaceful night at the campfire, they started humming a tune that seemed oh-so-familliar with you, you asked them what song it was, and when they told you also started to hum with them, what you didnt know was that the humming would eventually turn into a concert..

It was night and you were sitting next to your sisters and the Apollo kids, your sisters being on your left and the Apollo kids on the right, one of the Apollo kids is braiding your hair beside you while humming a tune with some of the others, while the few other kids were talking to each other.

The longer they were humming, the more it evokes a memory, there was an itch inside your head wanting to know what this song is that's giving you a nostalgia, so you asked,

"Hey, what is that song you guys are humming?" The girl who was braiding your hair partly glanced at you before returning her gaze back to your hair that's currently resting on her palm.

"Oh, I think it was called Ride, I don't really remember much of the lyrics since it's been a long time since I last heard the song. I was humming inside the Apollo cabin and I guess they liked it too" she respond with a shrug

Oh. Ride by twenty one pilots

When It finally clicked, it brought a wave of nostalgia. This song, you used to listen to this whenever you were feeling down.

You didn't even realize it but there was a small smile plastered on your lips, before you knew it you were humming with them, the kids just looked at you and you swear you could see some of them smiling and some were just looking at you with surprise in their eyes, as the screws in your head started working and remembering the lyrics you started singing quietly

Oh, oh, I'm fallin', so I'm taking my time on my ride

Oh, oh, I'm fallin', so I'm taking my time on my ride

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Takin' my time on my ride

Oh-oh-oh-oh

the kids humming started to become louder as your singing also was progressively getting louder,

You think the girl beside you remembered the lyrics, cause she started singing with you, thanks to you.

As the singing gets louder the humming kids started to harmonize with one another, before you knew it, some other people who woke up because of the sound started gathering around the campfire,

This brought a nostalgia and relief you didn't know you needed until it was being done

Because of how carried away you were, you didn't realize the pair of eyes watching you over the crowd, astonishment, adornment, and surprise in the person's eye.

The concert only ended when one of the ares kids started throwing a tantrum of how they couldn't sleep.

"Didn't know she could sing" Percy whispered teasingly to the guy next to him still staring mindlessly at the laughing girl sitting in front of the campfire.

God, I got first-hand embarrassment while writing this 😭😭😭

Anyways it's kind of short since I just thought of this the second I opened tumblr, also because I got lazy last night and couldn't think of a story line.

Also I think I would take some request if y'all want me too🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ if I do take a request I'll try my best to make a longer story of it.

I'm a beginner at making stories so, I'm sorry if it's bad 👁️👄👁️🎀

Please give me writing tips if you have any💋

THAT'S ALL THANKS!!

💋💋💋💋💋

[ach-sss-no]

Hey, all,

I have long been tempted to do a readthrough/commentary of the Hobbit/LOTR because other people did it* and I am nothing but imitative. As it happens I have had the immense good fortune to find a copy of The Hobbit for 50 cents at the thrift store** so I am tentatively planning a readthrough, which (if it comes to pass) will be over on my dreamwidth, and will start in January because I have so many other things going on in the Thanksgiving+Christmas season.

so why post about it now, well, for two reasons:

I would kind of like to talk about the different adaptations of The Hobbit in vidya games, comics and such, so if you know of an obscure one I would love to hear about it. I want to start collecting material and figuring out how to present it. (and if it goes well I might eventually do the same for lotr so go ahead and send lotr stuff too if you're willing)

and I have a related dilemma

I have not watched the peter jackson hobbit movies. And those suckers are long, all together, so if I decide to watch them, it might take me until january to get around to finishing all of it.

Now, usually, I am a very open minded and wonderful person (uwu) who doesn't decide how to feel about something before trying it. I stayed open-minded about the Ralph Bakshi movie! And I liked parts of it! However, I don't think I would enjoy jacksonhobbit. I have seen a lot of pieces of it floating around the Internet and it looks like everything I didn't like about the LOTR movies but without most of the things that made up for it. With that in mind, I at first wasn't planning to watch those movies before doing a commentary of the book, because it would take up quite a few hours of my life and my review would be mostly whining**. I don't think my perspective on those movies is oh so unique or insightful enough that a critique from me would elevate past whining and these movies are well known enough that anyone reading my posts probably has their own opinions already and I don't need to tell them what the pj hobbit movies are.

But on the other hand, without seeing those movies, my review would be somewhat incomplete. And maybe some people like whining. I don't know. Nostalgia Critic still gets a lot of views, guys.

TL;DR i thought I would subject the question to the gladiatorial arena of the tumblr poll. I might not do exactly what the poll says in the end but it gives me something to consider.

*I refer specifically to tolkien-feels and frodo-with-glasses who have already done this better than I will. I'm sure many, many other people have also done it, but those are the two accounts I personally read.

**i also found the two towers and rotk, from the same set! but not fellowship. like this post to increase my luck that i will somehow also find fotr from this same set, for fifty cents at the same thrift shop, weeks after finding the rest of the books. it sounds unlikely, but it was unlikely to find any of the series at that thrift shop, and here they sit on my shelf

*** i saw a comment once on youtube that said something to the effect of 'the pj hobbit movies arent great but I've never seen anyone complain about their depiction of gollum' and I just... have a feeling I could be the one to prove that statement wrong. And the thing is, that statement doesn't need to be proved wrong.

[recurring-polynya]

Writing/Art Update 4.16.2024

I know I said I wasn't going to do these for a bit, but I felt like doing one. It's not good news, mostly I just want to complain because I'm very frustrated. I *want* to write, but my brain is just very, very empty and I hate it. I've been working on my ChadIshi story for what feels like a million years. It's not even very good. It's about 1500 words at the moment. I write about 3 sentences per day on it. I have no idea how to end it. All that being said, I would like to *finish* it, rather than just let it sit in my WIPs for 3 years, but I'm also worried that I am just sort of letting it drag on because I don't know what to write after that, either.

Candidate #1 is my Rukia-and-Renji-dirtbag-teens-in-Inuzuri fic, which I love to death and I *hope* that if I work on it, I might be able to make some progress on it. It's 11k words already (some are trash, I'm sure) but it's Most of a Fanfic and it might be kind cool to publish it after Damage History.

I've also been trying to brainstorm the next two parts of Heart is a Muscle. My plan had been for the next part to be an epistolary fanfic where Rukia and Byakuya have to go on a mission together and Renji gets left home with his still-healing arm. However, right at the beginning of Damage History, there's mention of Rukia and Renji going to some dreadful seafood festival at the train museum in East Rukongai. I was originally going to put that in as an epilogue, but then there was something else I wanted to do for the epilogue, and I told myself that it would be kinda fun to have a little short chapter about Rukia and Renji Having a Nice One, For a Change. The problem is, I don't know how to write that. I've spent the last two weeks trying to brainstorm ideas and my brain keeps going "maybe they could solve a murder mystery?" Don't get me wrong, the only thing that is keeping me from turning this into a murder mystery is the lurking Byakuya and Rukia Solve a Murder Mystery that the next one is gonna be (it's probably not actually going to be a murder mystery, but that's the vibe). I just want to write some cute little short hijinks thing and I am too dumb to come up with anything! I even read an entire Wodehouse book, trying to spur the old noggin to churning out a fruity idea or two, but the ideas were not forthcoming, not even a rummy one.

The other option is that I know I am supposed to get back to a little in love eventually, and I was kind of putting it off, because I didn't want it to get caught in my annual summer doldrums, but maybe I should just go for it.

Anyway! I wish I had ideas!! I have no ideas!!

(also, it's is very hard for me to write when I am on a Posting Schedule, I am very aware of this, and I am pretending like it's not true even tho I know this is probably the main issue)

In other news, I drew a Rukia and I was proud of it, please go look at it for me, thank you in advance.

[hungerpunch]

starting in april '23 i used bereal to take one picture per day at a random time decided by the app. if you don't know, it works by sending a push notification at a randomized time and you have i think 2 minutes to take a photo. every photo uses both your phone's front-facing camera and your rear camera, so you get a capture of your surroundings as well as your own face. there are no filters, there is no editing. you can follow your friends but there is no algorithm, there are no tags, there is no search, it's chronological. there are no ads (yet). when the next push happens, the one previous is removed from the feed. i follow 12 friends so i'm only ever seeing 12 photos max. it is beautiful in its simplicity and honesty to me.

anyway i became invested bc i liked the idea of being able to download all my photos at the end of the year and reviewing them. it's been really interesting, fun, illuminating, made me think about how i spent most of my time (frowning in front of my work laptop), and see what i want to change going forward (more outside, more community, more smiling).

selfies under the cut, which i will eventually remove from this post dw.

i spent what felt like too much time in the car this year. there were definitely lots of trips that necessitated a car, don't get me wrong, but so then i want to create more opportunities to not use the car. i already walk everywhere i feel i'm able, but walking isn't my only alternative. maybe if i'm going on a trip where i don't have a lot of stuff to take or bring back but i still want to take munch, i figure out how to take the train instead. or maybe if there's an errand to run and the weather is not dangerous, we take the bike.

left: morning snap. a regular weekday for me. i prefer working from home but it does pose its own challenges; most days, i'm rolling out of bed at the last second to get right to my computer. there's no intention behind the coffee i make or any breakfast i might have, it's just whatever is easiest (and sometimes nothing at all). a 2024 goal is to force myself to get up a little earlier so i can take my time brewing good coffee, selecting something to eat, and maybe do a little stretching or reading before going to work.

right: more food. i got into a really bad habit of just putting off eating and putting off eating during the workday because i was so busy. "after i finish this one last thing" i'd say, and then that thing would become two, three, etc. and i wouldn't be eating lunch til 3pm. i want to start carving out an actual lunch break for myself again.

this is what i want more of!!! more outside, more being with community, more exploring, more smiling, more caring, more. i don't mean being in constant action i just mean more of what's good. more intentional resting. more intentional nourishing. more intentional eating and hugging and reading and snuggling and kissing and napping and dancing and protesting and listening and more life. more being engaged in living my life.

[argoxnautilus]

besties i think i am hitting a point where i am no longer able to know as much as i should

i can't understand schoolwork anymore. social stuff is harder to parse, and i think it's because i have to do school AND job AND everything else. the stuff i should be well versed in by now, like politics, doesn't make sense to me no matter how hard i try--when i go past any of the basic stuff, reading political theory just makes me feel like a fucking...hp lovecraft protagonist, i just can't picture any of it.

most of my social interactions are either scripted ahead of time or have me feeling like a text generator, putting words together with no understanding of what they mean with only a vague idea of what i'm supposed to be going for. it's easier online, i think because i only have to worry about the words and not both the words and how i'm saying them, but both irl and online i always eventually slip up despite my best efforts to do it right. i copy mannerisms and behaviors in the hope that it pleases other people, and that backfires too--i lost a close friend this year because a behavior i'd learned from 2 separate friend groups and thought was the right behavior to make was actually bad and hurt them to the point they no longer speak to me at all.

i can't understand the nuance for that stuff either, no matter how hard i try. either i did it wrong, or i did it right, and...god, everyone else just seems to know what it means. i don't. i can't, i think. i don't understand any of it.

does this come across? does anyone understand what i mean? i'm scared, i need help, i'm scared that i'll always be reliant on my parents or other people who want to hurt me, i'm scared i'll make too many mistakes and that the world will throw me away. i'm scared because i haven't sat down and drawn for months. i'm scared because i can't tell if people are gonna help me or hurt me. i'm scared because the fucking english paper i was supposed to finish last semester doesn't even have a rough draft because i can't remember how to write essays anymore. might be autistic, might've finally hit my disturbingly low ceiling of achievement, might just be fucked in the head. i may get a diagnosis for autism at least, but that takes time, and...idk if anyone will even care. or if they'll hate me for it. idk if that even makes sense. my coworker and manager and i have a betting pool on it. i learned this week it was supposed to be a joke, but they didn't laugh at me about it, so that's chill. feel really stupid about not realizing though.

anyway, i think 4 paragraphs (5 with this one) is enough. sorry for putting a long post about my issues on your dash. here's a cat for scrolling this far

[baejax-the-great]

[First, I was rereading "Agua Caliente" and I remembered a song that played a lot in my childhood (and I had kind of forgotten) bc the lyrics somehow matched the Patrochilles dynamic in this fic. This is kind of funny bc I would never in my life associate sertanejo (it's a type of country music, I think? Idk I've never heard country, but the aesthetic is kind of similar. Anyway, it's pretty popular here) with shipping an ancient Greek couple in modern AU, but ok. And I went to listen to this song again and now I'm listening to it on a loop, so thanks for that.]

Now the real question! It's perhaps a strange question, but do you plan what you write? Like, before you write, do you have the whole structured idea in mind? I could have sworn it was like that reading the fics, but then some notes on Ao3 and certain things you say on Tumblr started to make me reflect that maybe you don't plan as much as I thought… in that case, how do you manage to connect everything so well without looking like something was left out/without prior planning??? It's magic, technique, luck or actually do you plan?

Sorry if the question is a bit "???" but I'm REALLY thinking about this! I used to write fics years ago and I was in the "won't plan" group and as expected the fics came out obviously unplanned (but that was ok with me bc it was just to pass the time and I didn't expect it to be an engaging story or anything), and here's why this ask exists: it's precisely bc I was in the “won't plan” group that I'm really intrigued by the possibility of you NOT planning bc it just doesn't seem that way reading your fics...

The short answer is that I do plan what I write, but probably not enough.

I rarely start writing a fic with an entire idea. Often it's just a vibe. But I won't start posting a fic until I know exactly what the conflict is and how it will be resolved.

This was easy in ATG, for example, because I'd already written the resolution before I even decided to write the fic. Structuring it by Patroclus's age also helped, because I could make an outline with the stuff that needed to happen and then jam stuff I wanted to happen around it. That "Stuff" could be really specific--obviously Pat had to graduate school and Achilles had to go to the Olympics on specific years, and it was also like, this section should have them fighting. This section should have them getting along, but Achilles is hiding this big lie so there should be a weird tension.

In Sunset, it took me longer to figure out the conflict/resolution. Sure, I knew that Achilles was going to cry on a Chicago street corner and get naked in Pat's kitchen, but why was he there? How did he get there? I had already written Achilles settling in to Pat's place and the scene where he gets into the lake before I decided on Aphrodite being the key to explain this whole thing. Then I knew Pat had to die. But a lot of the stuff that happened in the middle was sort of on a whim (particularly Achilles getting on the wrong L train-that was definitely just an impulse I had while finishing that chapter). Tecmessa's chapter was also a later addition, and a deeply self-indulgent one, hah.

Agua was the least planned of these three, and in some ways it was because the idea was a lot simpler. After three years, Achilles runs into Patroclus again and they reconcile in some way. I knew exactly how Patroclus would feel about the whole thing (relieved, guilty, upset, wounded, hopeful, upset about feeling hopeful). My original plan was just to set up Achilles in his shop and his new life doing his best and have him run into Patroclus at the beach, and eventually they'd go to the desert. I wrote parts of their meeting first, and then I started writing the beginning and ended up scrapping most of that. I realized I was going to have to do a lot more writing for poor Achilles. My lack of planning here did cause some difficulties--I had like three versions of that date he went on with Pat with different endings. One involved Pat in the hospital, lmao. Zag and Meg coming to stay with Achilles were kind of whims, and I had meant to have Hypnos show up for "his turn" and have Achilles send him home because no, these were not team-building exercises, but then I forgot 😩.

The reason that I need to know the conflict/resolution at the start is because I do think all the scenes in a fic should relate to it in some way, either by building up the conflict or setting the groundwork for a resolution. Even for the impulsive scenes I add just for fun, I think about how they can do this. For example, Achilles getting lost on the L allowed me to build up Pat's unreasonable anxiety, show that Ajax was also feeling it to some extent, and end in Pat saying "fuck it" and just giving in to making out with his hot, ancient boyfriend. It was also something that happened to a friend who was visiting me from out of the country and didn't have a working cell phone. That moment of watching him through the window of the L as it slowly pulled away is just etched in my memory.

In Agua Caliente, almost anything could relate to the resolution, because the resolution was "Achilles having a life," thus it didn't require as much planning. Zagreus's apartment getting flooded (something that happened to me in grad school) showed Achilles attempting to be flexible with some success while allowing himself to become closer to Zagreus, which led to a point of connection with his kids. It also made it easier to explain why Achilles was doing Zag's delivery that day when he ran into Pat. There were only a couple things that truly needed to happen in AC for the fic to make sense, and that was a resolution with Achilles' kids and then with Patroclus, of course.

I do get loose threads sometimes, side conflicts or things that didn't end up going anywhere, and those things tend to annoy me until I figure out a way to resolve them or make them otherwise relevant. Or I don't. Or sometimes I realize I need to add something/someone into the fic, and it would have been smoother if I'd added it in an earlier chapter so it didn't seem like a convenient thing I'd just thought of to solve a problem. That's always annoying to me. But whatever. It's fanfic. That's the risk of posting while you write.

[silentreigns]

Canadian GP Post-Race Review

Was anyone else scared when Ferrari didn't pit under the safety car? Made them go half of the race on mediums? Turns out that was the best call because Charles finished 4th and Carlos finished 5th. I read on twitter that Carlos was having more pace than Charles at one point but he was given team orders not to pass. So I might look into that but idc they got points and stayed in a decent position. It's a win tbh, Ferrari had a successful strategy with both drivers

George going from 4th to 19th to 8th just to retire hurts but then you realize it was his own fault. Amazing he managed to drive for 40 more laps before dnfing

Lewis overtaking Fernando in the first lap was so cunty. Also Lewis staying within 3 seconds of Max while he was p2 was also cunty. Too bad he got overtaken eventually. But shout out to Lewis for breaking Lewis's record for the most podiums with 194 of them

Lando getting a penalty for "unsportsmanlike behavior" is so dumb and unfair. Like if it really was for going too slow under a safetycar I would call bullshit because the McLaren doesn't even work right. He can't even overtake on the straights, like most of his overtakes happened in corners. Too many things are wrong with that car and they need to fix it quickly

Lance getting a photo finish in the points had me gagged because I didn't see him for most of the race. Good for him, we love a happy ending to the home GP

The backmarker girls were FIGHTING. Nyck de Vries definitely caused that collision or whatever tf with KMag in that one lap, at least to me. The fact that he didn't get a penalty for that is kinda weird considering Lando got a penalty for like nothing. I'm gonna try and not drag de Vries anymore but it's like girl...

Alex made me so nervous this whole race I didn't think he would get p7 with George on his tail at that time. Esteban couldn't overtake either because his rear wing wass fucked up. Is that ground for a penalty? I have no idea because the FIA is inconsistent. But anyways I'm happy for Alex getting driver of the day like he deserved it the most

The cool down room for the podiums with Max and Lewis is always so awkward like they don't have any chemistry at all. But that's kinda expected. I needed Fernando to show up and show up quickly.

Overall the race was very fun and I'm glad I watched the whole thing. It's always nice to see overtakes happen in races

[shiny-jr]

ooh wait have you played three houses?? i saw you mentioned it in one of your recent posts and i got curious. can i ask what are your thoughts on it if you have played it?

also also, have you played pokemon scarlet/violet at all? i’d really love to hear your thoughts on it, especially with its latest dlc ^^ (super sorry i’m grouping two different games in this ask, i didn’t wanna send messages back to back, but feel free to only answer one if you want!)

Oh boy, more opportunities for me the spout nonsense and my odd opinions. I will gladly take it. Buckle up, anon and others reading, because I have a long history with both franchises.

I've been playing Fire Emblem since Fire Emblem: Awakening, then Fates, Heroes, and eventually Three Houses. My take: Awakening is still the best one, but maybe I'm biased. I remember playing it and marrying Chrom on accident, whoops.

Anyways, Three Houses was alright, better than Fates but not better than Awakening. I remember it came out, and I was actually upset because I was in another country on the US release date so I didn't get to play it until I got back. Even when I saw the trailers, I knew I was Golden Deers all the way. Odd, I know, most people prefer the other teams. Claude, Hilda, Marianne, Lysithea, my dears. OH, and before I go on, I just want to say, I hate the female MC. And no, it's not what you think, I only hate her because literally why does her outfit look like that compared to the male MC? Robin from Awakening was always the better protagonist anyways.

After completing the Golden Deers route, I decided I wanted to try and complete all the routes because at that point I disliked a huge majority of the characters. I tried Blue Lions next. At first I didn't really have much of an opinion on Dimitri, but he grew on me eventually, because how could I resist such a miserable brooding man that later gets a soft spot for one person (plus his design was kinda badass)? But I will admit, his behavior immediately post-timeskip was kinda annoying. I thought I would dislike Felix, but shockingly, I didn't, I actually liked him. And you know what? Dedue is CRIMINALLY underrated, he's literally probably the nicest and loyalest dude of all time. He got some hate for his race from some characters, and I actually got heated.

After Blue Lions, I knew I had to play through Black Eagles twice if I wanted the last two routes. However, here's the thing. In both previous routes, Golden Deer and Blue Lions, I had loathed Edelgard. But, I thought to myself, I just needed to try her route and maybe I'll change my mind... Well, I was wrong. Edelgard is probably one of the characters I HATE most in any franchise. And I tried so hard to like her, like I would give her gifts and answer dialogue truthfully, only for the relationship thing to go down. Like damn, okay. I just couldn't stand her. The others in her route were mostly fine, I liked Ferdinand, Bernadetta, Caspar, and Petra. But because of Edelgard, I couldn't even finish her route once and it's still uncompleted to this day.

Now... onto Pokemon.

Fun fact, I completed Pokemon Black and White when I was in first grade and couldn't read everything. Don't ask me how I did it, because I honestly have no clue. I've played every gen since then: Black and White 2, X and Y, Sun and Moon, Ultra Sun and Moon, Sword and Shield, Arceus, Scarlet and Violet. I did indeed preorder the game when it was announced, as I have done for the generations before. Where do you think my username comes from? In most pokemon games, I love collecting shiny pokemon. Shiny.

I was hyped for Scarlet and Violet since the first day it was announced. I lost my mind the day it was first announced and eagerly waited months for it. When it came out, I dropped everything for several days. As a regular fan, I always set this tradition for myself to defeat new pokemon games within or around 24 hours and of course, I did so.

The game itself has a lot of issues, namely the glitches and quality of the frames. But, it's on the switch, so that's to be expected. It felt really rushed in that aspect. I just feel like they could do so much better if they really wanted to, like on par with BOTW or TOTK (those games have bad frames too but at least they look a lot better). As for mechanics, I really missed the mechanics from Arceus, but at least Scarlet and Violet improved upon the poor excuse of the open area that was in Sword and Shield.

Story and characterwise, I'm torn.

Here's what I like: (1) the multiple split routes, (2) certain characters.

(1) It made it feel like you really had a lot to do, and that combined with the open area of the entire map made it seem like a lot. It is a lot. So it's really fun to explore and try to complete everything. Even just walking about, you're bound to get distracted, lost, or find something completely new. I was just playing it a while ago after completing everything and there were still little secrets I didn't notice the first time around.

(2) Arven, my god, do I love a guy with mommy AND daddy issues. And he has a dog? I'm hooked. I didn't expect to get attached to him, but I did. I actually prefer his route purely because of the story within it with his companion. I didn't see that coming, and I was so worked up over it. Another character I like, Director Clavell. A good supporting professor, you love to see it. Wish he showed up more though.

Here's what I dislike: (1) the villains, (2) the gym leaders, and (3) other characters, (4) the leveling system. (5) I'll talk about the dlc last.

(1) We haven't had a good villain team in a while. Black and White was super memorable with N, X and Y's Lysandre with Team Flare was a joke, Sun and Moon's Team Skull with Guzma was actually good because they were funny and non-threatening, Sword and Shield with Team Yell was actual trash, and this Team Star being bad guys but not really bad guys was actually so boring. Let's roll it back to Team Aqua literally planning to recreate a great flood or Team Magma planning to create havoc with volcanoes, Team Plasma that wanted to liberate Pokemon, or Team Galactic that were going to harness the power of time/space/universe and their leader is trapped/died in an empty dimension. They don't make Pokemon villains like they used to, huh?

(2) The gym leaders are very forgettable this time around. Like, they don't play much of a role aside battling, and after that you don't really see them again at all. It's a shame, because some of them have potential for greater use and have really good designs. Not to mention, they were all weak as hell.

(3) The Champion was a let down. Geeta (I had to look up her name). I was iffy when I first saw images of her, I didn't like her design but I just decided to go with the flow and I'll probably change my mind. I didn't. She's as forgettable of a champion as Alder and Diantha were. At least we saw Leon in the SwSh a lot and we got to hear from characters about how strong he was. Geeta wasn't like that at all, her team was a joke. Nemona as a rival was annoying, she got on my nerves from the first few moments we met her. I think Penny had potential, but I just didn't like her.

(4) The leveling system was really annoying. What happened was, I tried to complete the other two routes first and save the gym leaders for last. However, when I did this, because I didn't have any gym badges, new pokemon caught wouldn't listen even if my other pokemon were like 20 or more levels above them. So I had to pause the other route, just to do some of the gyms that way I could actually use new pokemon. I know they tried the system to prevent people from just cheating the system by automatically getting high-leveled pokemon from friends, but it just got in the way.

(5) DLC so far... not a fan. I mean, it's something. It's there. It's a thing. But it has nothing so far that makes me like it. The rivals are meh, and the region confuses the hell out of me. I don't get why do Scarlet and Violet region of Paldea based off Spain, but then have a DLC with an island that's so very obviously based off Japan. They could've picked anything around Spain but go back to Japan when 4/9 of the regions are already supposedly based off Japan? Idk, it was kind of a let down to be honest. I haven't completed the dlc, so I still have to do that. The new map is small, but I heard the next dlc is supposed to be huge so here's to hoping that one is better?

[elderlingacademic]

Update

So, tumblr just saw fit to tell me that this blog is now nine years old, which is... wild and strange to me. It's been a long time since I've been on it, and some of the posts are still getting notes, so I thought I'd stop by with a catch-up on how things are.

So:

I've finished my PhD. The process was bad enough to make my mental health plummet to previously unseen depths (for me, anyway), which is why I dropped off the face of this earth blog. I managed to pass with technical corrections only, which is a huge achievement that I think one day I might figure out how to feel about, but it's too soon right now.

My mum has read it, and thought it was very good - I'm hoping sometime (it's gonna be years, but) to be able to reread it with a clear head and appreciate it. Same with Realm of the Elderlings, honestly.

End of PhD meant some big life changes, some of which I'm still in the middle of. I live in a different city now, and I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, because academia is no longer the answer.

I guess for the last year since I finished I've been wanting to post something about this but trying to work out how, and I think that the core of it is this: it is okay for things to not work out how you expected. If you are neck-deep in academia right not, it is not the whole world, I promise you. I finished my PhD, but I seriously considered quitting, and I still don't think that would have been the wrong decision. (Neither was carrying on. They were both acceptable options, no matter how fraught I felt about them at the time).

We are taught to view our lives like a kind of funnel - we start with a plethora of options, and then we narrow down further and further until we specialise (oh we might have other unrelated hobbies, but the core of it is Our Thing). But that's not how that works, that's not how any of this works at all. The world is wide. I can choose anything now. I mean, most of the things I've thought of so far I don't actually want to do for various reasons, but I know myself well enough to know that I'll figure it out eventually. If I just let it simmer in the back of my head, and give it time. You don't have to know the answer; in a way, you are the answer, if that makes any kind of sense.

I stuck with the job that I picked up part time to fund my PhD, and took it full time. It's definitely not a forever option, but it was a blessing to be in a new city, strangely liberated from the PhD that took up eight years of my life (and the general academia that took up the majority of my whole life before then), and doing something I already knew how to do. It's helping rebuild my confidence, and I know that whatever come next is going to be something I can make something of.

I hope that's not so rambly as to be incoherent; regardless, I'm glad I wrote it. I do still see asks on this account, so if you ever have any queries about academia (not the technical side, but what it feels like to get through sometimes), let me know. I can't promise quick answers, but I'll try to answer most things.

I hope you are all well, and thank you for the notes that remind me this blog still exists - a testament to the love and enthusiasm I had for this project at the start, and that I still hope to rediscover some day.

[delusinalandpassionate]

Sorry to bother you. I saw that you'd gone through 4.5 and couldn't help but try to make a plea to convince you to join in the boycott of the game going forward.

Project Moon hasn't made a single announcement since the Korean-only notice of the story illustrator's absurd(and certainly illegal) layoff. I'm thankful a lot of tumblr's been made aware, but. They're clearly hoping the situation will blow over with 4.5's release, possibly with many international fans never even hearing of this... this absolute idiocy they've commited. They won't post English or Japanese explanations, they didn't even include the Korean one in the in-game announcement. They know they're in the wrong. It's cowardly and their horrible treatment of their employees and contractors need to face justice. We have to make clear we don't approve of these practices, because if we let them get away with this, in the present, they'll be doing it forever. Their actions have shown all they care for is the capital they get from active users, directly and indirectly.

I realize it might be hard to let go of the characters and the unique world of project moon that you've become fond of. Isn't it the same for us all? But I implore you to consider refraining from logging in, at least for a little while. The investments they get, that keep the company going smoothly, are tied closely to the number of active daily and monthly users, especially after a big update like now. If the international fandom could join in the boycott(not logging in, deleting the game or requesting refunds through the app store and steam if they've spent money on it), projmoon will eventually have to address the situation if they want to continue servicing limbus. I mean, there are other factors such as pressure from news media and the possiblity of a lawsuit from the illustrator, but this is the most definite way.

Projmoon's broken our faith in the worst way possible. They'd rather indulge the outrageous demands of a hate group that antagonised their employee over evidence of nothing and tanked their game's reviews for fun than show an ounce of sense, and personally? Those very employees and contractors seem to have been the heart and soul of the stories I fell in love with, and with kjh refusing to even pretend to understand the very themes his games have been built on, I can no longer take any of it seriously either.

Uh, well. The ask's become a bit of a slog to get through. If you have anything you want a clearer explanation on I'd gladly answer, and if you want to keep on playing I can't stop you. And I suppose it might not feel fair that you were the one I addressed, out of the many, many who are doing the same.

But thanks for reading anyway, because I loved their games, loved anticipating the future stories they'd tell, and kjh turned out to be the kind of asshole who fires a longtime employee over the phone at 11 pm over baseless claims with not a shred of regard for labor laws, and I am at a loss at the absurdity of this entire... thing. I had to say something. Hell world.

To my fault, I didn't think about boyscot as act of protest by myself, and saw people suggesting it on Twitter only when finished 4.5. It made me feel really stupid, especially when I saw graph showing how many people visited game. But now I'm not going to return to the game, at least until PMoon makes an announcement. I also feel horrible and confused, especially with the amount of false information around, which makes it extremely difficult to trust anyone right now. But I'm trying to stay optimistic.

Also hope that at least my mistake, will help people, satisfying their curiosity without need to read by themselves.

[dazzlerazz]

Three Hopes DLC Wishlist

A masterpost of things I wished for in the past for a Three Hopes DLC

Subject to be edited and is admittedly half finished cuz I realize I left this in the drafts and then forgot and I did not proofread lol

--------------

Gameplay

A bit for myself, but a paralogue betweeen Byleth and Shez where they test their strength against each other, like training, where you switch to playing Byleth halfway through. It eventually comes out to a tie regardless of how well the character played

Alternate training grounds maps. I mentioned it in another post, but Constance as a unit is SPECIFICALLY hindered by the current training yard map, as its always sunny. There's also so many times you can train in the same small rectangular boringly-brown place before you just stop trying to use the training feature. Here is the aforementioned post

Easier S Rank Cycles of Nostalgia Paralogue. Possible other units to play as, potentially other nameless soldiers, like a gremory, a wyvern flier, and an armored unit. It is grueling to run around the entire battlefield as a single unit, I spent lots of time trying to get S rank, something I've complained about in multiple posts

Story

Azure Gleam - Fix Edelgard's role in the story

I went into this in multiple posts, but I don't like how Edelgard was dealt with in Azure Gleam. It felt like the developers intentionally took her out of a villain role and put her into the role of "trapped heroine", a clearly right vs wrong storyline with Thales instead of moral gray between routes like it was in Houses. I know this is something a dlc would not be able to fix, but I'm putting it in here anyway cuz I can

A return to Abyss. Sitri is absent in Hopes, because of course she is. Maybe there would be a paralogue if Byleth and Jeralt survive that bring them back to the monastery to find Sitri. I don't have any ideas for this at the moment

The return of the cut Blackened Embers

Characters

Post timeskip outfits for most church members. Hopes had the option to do this, as it was a complaint in Houses, but it was never done

Playable Hanneman, Gilbert, Anna, Alois, and Cyril, who were all playable in Houses

Hanneman and Manuela both can be recruited outside of Scarlet Blaze, whereas in the game they're both route locked to SB

Caspar and Ashe support chain

Little Things

Change a unit's outfit to their post timeskip Houses outfit

The return of dlc costumes. Make costumes able to be worn by any gender, unchanged to how they look in Houses (ex. suits for the girls and maid outfits for the boys)

More interactions with characters of your choice that feel more personal. We have expeditions, and to four locations at that, it would be nice to have something else just like it. Also the ability to go to a fifth location, tho I'm not sure what. I mentioned this in another post, but possibility the ability to leave off of wyverns instead of horses (inspired by Yuri's being allergic to horses)

Outfit accessories, such as glasses, bows, or other hair accessories, similar to how it is in (base) FE Engage

Alternate Lighter Asura outfit. The original looks bulky, more like a tanky unit, where Shez's original armor looks lightweight and easy to move around it. This is just a me thing, but maybe an alternate Asura outfit. it is possible to use Shez's lighter armor while in the Asura class, but cmon, that's no fun!

MORE SAVE SLOTS

Shez

Alternate hairstyles for Shez. More specifically, a longer hair alt for M!Shez and a shorter alt for F!Shez

Camp

A return of fishing. Please. I really liked the fishing minigame in Houses.

[celestialseawitch-ff]

Big fan of your 'Forever After' story!!

Instead of the annoying 'when would you update??' question a slightly different one. When DO you update? As in, when do you think a chapter is finished and ready to be shared with someone else?

Thank you so much!! I'm very glad to hear it ❤️

😶 I- uh, may or may not have the next three chapters of "Forever After" ready to go. It's not about finishing the next chapter for me because I don't post until all or the majority of the story is written.

It's a combination of things. The biggest factor is if I want to. Posting isn't just copying and pasting. I always give it a read through/edit and sometimes that results in a lot of changes. "Rewind Time" is a good example of that, where I had pretty much everything figured out, sat down to finish up the final chapter and post, ended up changing something, and then couldn't figure out what the hell I was doing for like two years. And sometimes I'm just not in the headspace to deal with that. Which leads to another big reason I don't post.

I'm not writing 🤷🏽‍♀️ It happens. What can you do? I didn't write for all of February. It's not really by choice and it's not really a reason of being mentally blocked, I'm just enjoying doing other things more. A lot of writers will say "fanfiction isn't my job" and this is true, but I don't think everyone gets the implications of that. It's not my job, so I don't sit down a write every single day as if it were. I do my job every day, writing is for fun. I don't want to make it not fun.

Another reason is something I've talked about briefly in my chapter notes is that, sometimes there's a mental block telling me NOT to update. I listen to this voice, because usually, it means something is wrong with the story chapter. I don't know what it is, but something is off. Eventually, when I figure it out, it can result in massive edits.

Another thing ca n be the exact opposite of this. I'm writing. Oh BOY am I writing. But I'm working on something completely different. Or multiple things. How do people work on only one or two stories at a time? I have literally hundreds of stories. Hundreds. So many of them may never see the light of day. The crossovers?? I've post one. But I have SO MANY.

Currently, all of this is sort of happening with "Forever After." But I'm coming up on writing the finale chapter of this story and it's crucial that I am confident with it before I move forward.

At the end of the day, I write for myself. If I'm not happy with what I put out there, than I'm not happy. I enjoy sharing what I write with others, but I've gotten into the problem of posting too early or even writing certain things certain ways to appease the masses. Those stories inevitably disappoint me or get abandoned -- i.e. "child bride" . I'm trying to be mindful of that and not fall into that hole again. I'm still upset about Child Bride and I probably won't write much Sirmione again in the future. I've kind of lost my taste for it and that's kind of sad.

Anyway, that's my long winded way of saying I dOnT KnOw iT JuST HappEns

[cynocardia]

did anyone want to read about my ocs going thru a divorce? no? well here it is anyway. sorry this is the first finished piece of writing i post but in my defense it was a lot easier to finish because there's not a lot to write about it. and i wanted to draw it instead, but, i tried to, and i didn't like it.

warnings: obsessive thinking and rumination about death due to near death experience, relationship disintegration, sasha won't see a dr because they're afraid of ableism, nothing good is happening here

i converted this from second person to third person because i felt like it would become harder to differentiate one "you" from another when i post these, so i had to change a lot of things and i feel like you can see that

note: leslie is still sasha. a host in DID is the part who is in control the most- for sasha, in the past, that was leslie. "leslie" was the old host. "sasha" is the new host. they're still the same person. leslie is even still in there in the present

*

morgan expects his apartment to be warm and well lit, except there's always that second when you step into it where the cold is still with you, and the hallway light is still dim, on its way out.

he kept telling himself he'd get up there and change it.

now, all it does is remind him.

morgan shifts leslie so he can shut the door. leslie hasn't attempted to stubbornly pry himself free not once.

usually, he brightens for a second, busily swishing his tail while morgan helps him out of his coat, but this time he stiffly hauls himself up, then collapses into morgan's shoulder, boneless.

the foyer light is buzzing. it'll stop. morgan should have fixed it already. he doesn't know how to, but he's just going to have to figure it out. it can't be that hard.

it's quiet and it's cold and the light is going out.

it's all he can think about.

morgan lifts his head to accommodate leslie's, which makes both trying to keep leslie from falling and trying to get him out of his coat at the same time basically impossible.

"hey, sweetheart, you gotta- you gotta help me out a little here." morgan's voice sounds like an affront to the still. it's too loud. it's not right.

leslie seems to make an attempt, drowses, and then collapses back into morgan's shoulder, dead silent.

dread erodes morgan's chest. it's not the weakness that disturbs him, that's usual, something just feels wrong this time. there's always intermissions to it, moments where leslie is able to move or respond. there's no intermissions. he's been almost a ragdoll this whole time.

painstakingly, eventually, morgan manages to get leslie's coat off, and then he pitches it as hard as he can at the coat rack. it lands on the floor. nothing good about having short arms.

this isn't funny. (lately, nothing is. everything feels different now. wrong. replaced.)

morgan lightly smacks the side of leslie's head. his ear twitches, but the rest of him is still.

"just, uh..." making sure, morgan thinks. of what? what is he supposed to say? "i know you're lying to me about not being able to die"?

he can't.

he wants to. wishes he could. doesn't want to shake the boat and damns himself for it.

it feels like a compression. there's something deep and dark and real about it. logically, morgan knows he couldn't have lived in a fantasy forever, but everyone wants to cling to that, don't they? maybe they'll never die. maybe death isn't real.

solipsism: i'm special, so nothing can hurt me.

but morgan for sure isn't special, escaped death when he shouldn't have, knows what it feels like but can't explain it, the spiraling, the almost-nothing.

sometimes thinks he did die, or should have, because the curtains are drawn in the bedroom, and the whole apartment is quiet except for the soft creak of the floor boards, which fall silent too once he stops at the edge of the bed and gets leslie onto it.

the bed also creaks, but the noise is intrusive instead of welcoming. it's cold and it's dark and no noise can feel like it belongs.

morgan thinks: he shouldn't be here.

it's like he's selfishly disturbing something, even if it wasn't him who-

stumbled to leslie's doorstep in the middle of the night, quietly begging to be saved. fine. it was him.

leslie's expression is blank until it's "asleep". morgan pries his shoes off, pushes his legs completely onto the bed, kicks his own shoes and coat off (though it pains him to just leave them on the floor), then crawls in beside him.

leslie doesn't move closer, which is fine, he doesn't always; morgan guesses it depends on how much energy he has and right now he doesn't seem to have any. so morgan moves closer, pulls leslie into his arms and then just sits through the shame because there's nothing else to do about it. sometimes you have to just sit through it- you already did it, can't undo it, may as well just keep doing it and eventually the part of you that viciously defends all the unacceptably weaker parts of you will just grin and bear it.

for awhile there is no intermission. leslie is limp and his eyes are closed. morgan doesn't know how long it takes him to stir, though when he does he shoves his face into morgan's chest and then immediately pulls it back out, weakly coughing. "usual" doesn't look like this.

morgan bites down on the concern because leslie doesn't like it and he's such a good friend.

morgan isn't sure he would define this as friendship, especially when it's starting to feel more like what he might define as a tryst, starting to fray in the middle and not just the edges. at some point, he knows, people start to argue and after that everything falls apart. not for you. not for me.

leslie stops breathing.

morgan becomes suddenly aware of the persistent hammering in his neck.

well, actually, there is another way it could end, he just thought it'd be him.

"leslie." morgan smacks the side of leslie's face. he breathes again.

there's a pulling in morgan's chest he's only ever felt a few times, which he's now felt more than enough for the rest of his life and never wants to feel again.

he goes to say something, but his brain supplies nothing he knows he could say, and morgan doesn't feel like drawing leslie's ire every time he brings up the fact that he should probably see a doctor. it's not worth it, he won't, and it only deepens the divide.

leslie stops breathing again.

morgan wants to sit up, but he's just as stubborn, doesn't want to let go. feels like going against leslie's will would be a breach of trust.

so instead, he waits, until leslie starts breathing again.

morgan feels it's safe enough territory to at least question this. "leslie."

leslie's ear doesn't twitch. he's still breathing, but now it's like he can't remember how.

"are you having trouble breathing?" obviously.

leslie doesn't respond.

obviously.

morgan is afraid he'll fall asleep if he doesn't sit up. he's afraid leslie won't start breathing again, and he'll be asleep, and then he'll be alone, which is an easier way of phrasing it.

"i'm, um." trying to climb out of body, at present. trying to be anywhere else and anyone else too. "worried about you."

leslie doesn't respond.

it's worse, that it's dark. morgan has always been comforted by it, but now it's a prison, and he wishes he'd opened the curtains. he wishes there were any noise or light or warmth at all, any sign of fucking life, of a way to prove none of this is real or lasting, but he guesses the radiator can't penetrate this cold and the city appears to be mysteriously dead, which is unusual for this time of night, but isn't that so lucky that the one night he'd get any peace it'd be this one?

he resents leslie's stubbornness. he resents the way he gets angry about it, resents the fact that he won't let morgan or anyone else help him, especially when there isn't an "anyone else", it's just morgan, (and for morgan it's just him,) because leslie is so goddamn prickly he won't let anyone else get near him, but most of all morgan resents the fact that he can't pry himself off of him to go call a doctor, breach of trust or no breach of trust, because leslie could be fucking dying for all he knows and he's still just laying here, unable to let go.

and isn't that a laugh or fifty.

leslie's breathing is strained and every now and then his chest deflates and he seems to find it hard to re-inflate it, and morgan continues to lay there until leslie finally passes out, because calling a doctor isn't what he wants. says they'll call him crazy, and morgan doesn't argue, or at least he doesn't anymore. it's the only time leslie snaps at him, but then it just feels like there's a hole in the ground and he can't close it back and the knowledge that it's there and he opened it and it can't be closed stays with him all day. he doesn't fucking like the hole. he prefers not to open the hole.

he should call a doctor anyway, wants to argue this looks enough like an emergency to call it one, but he's a man of his word, even though he never voiced it.

it's not a breach of trust if no one ever established that that trust existed, and as far as morgan is concerned it's not really something he's ever observed. there's only been slivers of it. not enough to make a very compelling case. and of course, leslie worked for the fucking mob, and now he works for the mob boss's son, which morgan wants to, can, and will argue is just as bad, and he's been lying about his mortality, though morgan admits maybe he should just be allowed to- it's not like it hurts anyone but him.

still, morgan is a man of his word, spoken or not.

leslie doesn't stop breathing again.

morgan doesn't know for how long he lays there in the dark and the cold with leslie pressed against him, still awake, legs starting to ache, until he also passes out. they got home around 9, probably.

morgan wakes at 12 and leslie's fine.

it's mostly like it never happened.