#and everyone but me is stressed about this apparently. like my family and my husband's (I don't get it. it's not their problem???)

[running-in-the-dark]

oh, yeah - we found a storage unit place (it wasn't that easy, those aren't common here - or at least not where I live). it's actually an old barn that's been converted lol. anyway, so we've rented that for three months (the shortest period they allow), which is perfect. then we don't have to move everything out of there immediately when we can move into the new place in April.

I think I've got enough boxes. I've got a spreadsheet that I'm putting all the information in about what's in which box. I've planned where everything will go and when. I think it's going to work out fine. the last time we moved was so stressful (because I was pretty sick and that made everything really hard), I really want it to go better this time.

[lundenloves]

Dad!Simon reacting to his oldest daughter having a small crush on a boy at school! Overprotective dad!simon having to be scary (ofc not towards his lil family) but in private with Wife!Reader he’s emotional because his little girl is growing up 😭😭 fluff mix with tiny angst

Thx! Love ya Dad Simon series 🖤

dad!simon masterlist | taglist

ANON! This mf would get migraines over the idea of his sweet little baby girl and a boy. I’ve had quite a few asks about this, all along the same lines (crush, boyfriend etc) so just decided to make one of all of them. Unless someone wants something dead specific, shout me!

Everyone grab your binoculars as we observe from a safe distance.

He almost choked on his drink, dropping the glass to the counter with a cringe inducing clink. One that echoed around the now silent kitchen as his eyes caught onto his wife’s. “A what?”

His eldest daughter threw her arms in the air in battle of her mother. “Why would you even say anything to him, oh my god.” She groaned frustratedly, attempting to storm away but cut short when Simon had cleared his throat.

“Why didn’t you tell me.” He leant his palm on the kitchen counter, looking down at the girl who was slowly growing to look like her mother instead of him. “What’s his name?”

“Because you’re like this.” She gestured to him, whining a sigh and turning to her mother. “Tell him, mum. He always gets involved.”

Simon laughed, balling his hand into a fist and habitually hitting down on the counter with his movement. “I’m only asking, love.” His arms then crossed over his chest, feet a length apart from another. “What age is he?”

“See!” She shot a hand toward him, widening her eyes at you. “He can’t help it.”

“Well, I need to know what—“

“Simon.” You held a hand out to silence him, a slight tilt of your head telling him to let go. “Invite him for dinner, darling.” The warmth in your voice made Simon itch from the other side of the counter, a half-hearted glare piercing into you over what you had just asked.

“No.”

“Why?” You knew exactly why.

“Because dad will just fu- interrogate him.” She left the room, walking down the hall as she continued, “Which he doesn’t even get to do. He’s never here anyway!” Her words were spat out and Simon tsked, turning back to you when she had stomped up the stairs.

“He’s her age.” You said quietly.

“You knew?” He whisper-shouted as you took a step toward him.

“Of course I knew.” He humphed when you had wrapped your arms around him, humming into his chest. “That’s what mothers are for.” A long sigh left him at that, pulling back from you and rubbing a hand through his hair and down his face visibly stressed.

“I need a cigarette.”

��It was always going to happen, Simon.” You smiled, following him outside and nudging his shoulder playfully. “Leave her be. What’s the worst that could happen?”

He eyed you through a sideward glance.

“She’s not going to get pregnant.”

“If she’s with a little rat—“

“Stop.”

He lit his cigarette, taking a long inhale before shrugging. “That kid is not stepping one foot into this house.” The smoke escaped his mouth with each word, creating a momentary cloud around him. “Not when i’m here.”

“She’s growing up.”

“Too fast.” Simon shook his head with another long drag, the two of them stood in silence.

Being a father to a teenage girl was a new era of problems. Ones he was yet to even learn about never-mind tackle, and this was apparently one of them. The boyfriend dilemma. He was not immune to the dad feelings, resulting in many a phone call to Johnny who somehow knew everything. The man didn’t even have a family.

“Just invite the kid, see what happens. He’s hardly going to pull out an M9.”

“I’m not having him ‘round.”

“She can go to his then.”

“No she fucking can’t.”

In result, he was invited over. On one condition with his daughter, so was uncle Johnny.

Him and Simon were stood in the kitchen when the scrawny kid walked in. You had convinced your husband that holding his knife wasn’t a great idea, twirling it around his fingers before forcefully sticking it into the chopping board.

“Alright, son.” Johnny slapped a hand onto the kids back, ultimately welcoming him but also shoving him toward Simon.

“Sorry. That’s my uncle.” His daughter would point with her eyes, steering him away from her dad and to the seat furthest away. Many a death-stare had been shot across the table toward her father, all returned of course if it wasn’t for you stomping on Simon’s foot underneath it.

It was a mess, to say the least. Bar Johnny’s flamboyant stories that kept at least a drop of fun.

this was supposed to be a lot shorter but LMAOO you can’t convince me ghost wouldn’t recruit soap in this whole thing. THIS is canon. so many thoughts, such little brain.

simon ‘ghost’ riley taglist: @vamppxncess @freakonfilm @crowbird @misshoneypaper @tallrock35 @fluffmonster @islanderr @blueoorchid @abbugaduu @lea3773 @coldflapjack @rayhawk05 @han11dh @liishook @melovetitties @fallonx @rvjaa @fuckmelifesucks @bhayatsara @takeomisbitch @local-spidey @konigsblog

if you weren’t tagged i couldn’t get your blog!

[partycatty]

i had a vision and drew it - and even better, i got a fic idea from it!

johnny cage > discovery

johnny discovers his new powers unexpectedly. maybe he wasn't as ordinary as others thought.

warnings: johnny thinks he's dying and gets all crisis-y, established relationship

notes: imagine instead of activating his powers in a life or death situation, it randomly bodyslams him like a heart attack - and it scares the hell out of him. also i hope u like my silly sketch :3

masterlist <3

• johnny's life was crumbling. his movies were flopping hard, and people were starting to forget his name. his spending habits were out of control, and you two were arguing about it so much that you grew tired of hearing your own voice. most days were the cold shoulder or shouting matches. things weren't looking great.

• it was during one of these matches when the shouting on his end abruptly paused, and he doubled over. your anger was shoved aside as you dashed forward to inspect his current state. but, just as soon as it started, it was over in a flash. johnny was startled, to say the least. his eyes were wide and he was panting.

• you guys assumed the stress was taking a toll on him, a physical toll. out of respect for his well-being, you held your tongue from that point on. or at least, you tried to. everything was relatively quiet until a mysterious yakuza member demanded the sword on your shared mantle. you would've thrown it at him if given the opportunity since the damn thing sent you back millions. johnny, however, wasn't as willing. fortunately for your safety's concern, he was the ultimate home security system, tying up the man after knocking him unconscious.

• we all know the rest. "what in the actual-" "i am the god of fire" "get your damn hands off him" "that's no special effect" "change the arc of your lives." blah blah blah. it was all a weird blur. apparently, you, johnny, and this new "friend" of yours were all chosen to fight for something bigger than a malibu disagreement. you were a fighter alongside your husband, but you did it competitively. johnny did it for the cameras, which isn't to say he's worse naturally. he could kick ass, and so could you, just in different directions.

• liu kang warned everyone that training would take months, as the tournament was far down the line. johnny grew impatient, and you grew tense with his lack of eagerness to actually train. regardless, you sparred and took the monk's advices to heart.

• johnny wouldn't tell you at first, since he didn't want to distract your own progress, but he would oftentimes catch himself feeling... funny, for lack of a better phrase. during meals, his eyes would unfocus and his hearing sounded underwater. at night, he'd toss and turn for hours in the cot beside yours. something felt wrong, really wrong. his chest felt fluttery and cold, like a sprite weaving between his ribs. it scared the holy hell out of him, considering how prone is family is to heart attacks.

• "great session! whaddya say to a well-deserved break?" he'd announce out of concealed desperation to the other earthrealmers, hoping that someone would agree and he'd be able to excuse himself to loosen his collar and sit down for a moment. it was after the fifth time asking in a day that you approached him with genuine concern.

• "honey, are you alright?" you asked gently, putting a hand on his shoulder. his eyes followed your touch and he sighed, moving your hand to his chest.

• "i-i'm afraid," he'll confess quietly, glancing behind you to make sure nobody was overhearing his moment of worry. "i haven't been feeling well, but i can't just drop everything and leave. not when my career's in the shithole. we've got nothing to return to. this fire god guy needs me, needs us, and i know damn well you'd follow me out if i stepped back from all of this."

• johnny's tragic worry struck a chord in your heart and you couldn't help but agree with his words. you advised him to ask a monk about decongestant tea, or some other simple remedy that would keep you at the academy.

• things died down, or at least, johnny's pain wouldn't be verbalized for a while. you and the boys were actually gaining significant strength and conditioning with the brutal training regime liu kang assigned. when he felt everyone was finally prepared to choose a champion, he assembled a king of the hill type of tournament on campus grounds.

• you stood between johnny and kenshi, a palpable tension on your husband's shoulders. his jaw was clenched tight, as were his fists. he looked... terrified. this wasn't a normal expression for the star.

• "johnny?" you whisper to him, reaching down to intertwine your fingers with his. before you could fully articulate your concerns, he speaks up.

• "i don't feel well," he murmurs in return, eyes fixated at the platform in front of you all. he visibly pales.

• liu kang calls you to the platform as the first contestant, and you obediently oblige with a bow, waiting for further instruction. your eyes danced across your potential competitors — raiden and kung lao, the humble farmers. kenshi, the enigmatic swordsman... and your husband, who looked as if he was shitting himself and moments away from puking.

• "you will face (reader), johnny cage."

• "a-are you sure? because that's my spouse, and i'd hate to—"

• liu kang frowns. johnny puts his hands up in a surrender motion, a pathetic attempt at remaining playful, and hoists himself to the platform across from you. his position readies, as does yours.

• though he may be visibly under the weather, the technique is still there. johnny's fighting style is unique and calculate, effortlessly playful and charismatic, just like him. even so, the match becomes quite even as you're familiar with his style. you parry many blows, mirroring others. the crowd is pleased and excited by the potential outcomes.

• you land a good kick to johnny's face, sending him spiraling in the air and landing on his back with a deep thud. the color in his face returns (due to the bruising) as he stares up at you, licking his lips before flourishing his way back up.

• but then, he lets out a strained cry.

• johnny clutches his chest, clawing at the layers of fabric across his body as if they're an anvil sitting atop his torso. his face twists as he doubled over in complete agony.

• "by the elder gods!" liu kang shouts, standing from his spectator chair. others let out their own concerns and shouts, but you're the first one rocketing to his side. you get to his level to inspect his face. you make a desperate attempt to push his damp hair from his face, but his neck snaps the other way as his body tries to expel this sudden onslaught of pain.

• as the fear that a heart attack is imminent, a sudden glow of green burns bright even past johnny's robes. it spills out like an angry cloud, seeping through johnny's fingers as he cries out in the worst pain he'd ever experienced. it is here that liu kang tenses up, then relaxes. he steps to the side, and does nothing but watch blankly. you come closer and part his clothing, giving yourself access to his bare chest to inspect the source.

• shockingly, the problem is... internal. his veins are glowing a bright green shade and when his eyes aren't deeply clenched, you sense a faint trace of emerald in his irises. right where his heart is, is a rhythmic flashing pattern.

• "make it stop!" johnny begs helplessly, and you reply on the verge of tears that you don't know how to help. however, almost as if on cue, he takes a deep breath inward and sits upright, eyes wide and jaw slack. and, just like that, everything seems normal again.

• you run your hand frantically across his bare skin, trying to feel for abnormalities as he catches his breath. you're crying now from the fear, and you catch a glimpse at his watery eyes.

• "are you okay?!" kung lao asks, putting a hand on his back to help him stabilize. "what was that?!"

• "i don't know..." johnny breathlessly replies, reaching a hand up to fix his hair nervously. however, as his hand traveled upward, he noticed the same emerald aura clouding around his hands, and he shouts out and scurries as if he's trying to run away from his own arm. as it's outstretched, it shoots a ball of energy outward, frying a mannequin that sat innocently off to the side. the crowd's eyes go from the mannequin and back to the celebrity. your fists ball up on his back, fistfuls of fabric keeping you upright otherwise you'd fall back from shock.

• "that is not how i anticipated that happening this time," liu kang muttered, coming closer to inspect johnny's palms. johnny stares at his hands like they grew overnight. his eyes shoot to the fire god, incredulous.

• "what the hell do you mean, 'this time?!'"

[lenoraah]

𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘯 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵.𝘵𝘸𝘰

pairing - marcus armstrong x wisconsin!reader

summary - reader was a pageant winner from two to eighteen before going to college to public speaking and becoming one of motorsport’s biggest content creators, interviewers and change makers. she and marcus have been dating for six months and she’s finally decided to bring him home to wisconsin for her eldest sister’s wedding

a/n - reader has several siblings, Abagail (27), Elijah (25), reader (22), Parker (17) and Shiloh (17). I wanted this to be written like short 300 word parts (like headcannons) but apparently I can’t write an imagine with short parts so probably this will be written into separate imagines. So this will be part.2 and. Also, not proof read. Also, I stressed so much over this so it’s probably shit. Sorry :)

★ ☆ ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

family dinner-

“So Marcus, how’s life with my baby sister?” The bride-to-be asks while making a pouty face at Y/n.

“Abby stop it,” The y/h/c whines and flings a spoonful of mash potatoes at her older sister’s plate.

“A living hell right?” Elijah grins and wiggles his eyebrows at Marcus.

The brunette can only stifle a laugh as Y/n throws a cut up piece of chicken at her brother. She scowls at him as Y/n/n scolds the two of them.

“Yeah, ‘Lijah. Stop acting like a toddler.” Y/n teases her older and smirks only to have a piece of a dinner roll thrown at her head.

The y/h/c girl slowly turns her head to the side to see her younger sister grinning with her hand mid air.

Before Y/m/n can do anything Shiloh and Y/n toss pieces of their dinner at each other and the three siblings look at each other before shrugging and joining in.

“Guys stop it,” Y/m/n scolds once again and elbows her husband who is mindlessly shoving food in his mouth. “Y/d/n, help me out here.”

“Yeah, guys listen to your mother.”

Y/m/n sighs and smacks her husband’s head as she watching a her five children throw food around.

Y/n laughs uncontrollably as Abagail, Shiloh and her team up against the boys, flinging spoonfuls of mash potatoes at each other.

Marcus and Ravi, Abagail’s fiancé, share a look before also breaking out in laughter.

The two can’t even begin to express how lucky their were to find such smart and humorous and loving woman and be in a relationship with them.

The two keep watching the fight unfold as the siblings’ parents keep eating and sighs, well only their mother.

“Parker stop it! Don’t aim for my shirt, I just got it last week.” Shiloh half whines as she throws a piece of cabbage at her twin brother’s head.

“Too bad,” Parker laughs in return as he flings a bread roll at Shiloh’s head.

Y/n laughs and throws a spoonful of tomato sauce at Elijah who just in time dodges it, the sauce splattering all over Marcus’s shirt.

And just like that the pity food fight between the siblings stop and everyone slowly turn their heads to face Marcus.

Y/n is the first to break the silence with her laughter. Y/m/n can’t even open her mouth and scold her children as they all break out into laughter, apologizing over and over again.

“I’m so sorry honey,” Y/n says in between laughter as she places a hand on Marcus’s shirt.

“It’s a first and a tradition,” Ravi grins at Marcus who returns the smile as he pats Y/n head who is currently laughing into her boyfriend’s shoulder.

“How about he gets changed?” Y/m/n asks skeptically with a raise of her eyebrow.

“That sounds like a great idea,” Marcus gets up from his seat and excuses himself before he starts walking up the stairs.

“I’ll help,” Y/n runs after him.

“Uh huh, sure.”

[noxturnalpascal]

Life Update

It feels to be like I've been pretty absent on here and that bums me out. I had to step back a little for my mental health because the negativity in this fandom does affect me. But stepping back also bums me out because this site can be SO fun when I'm interacting with my moots and making new moots and all of us are squealing about new pics of our boyfriend together.

That being said - the MAJOR reason I have been absent in the past 2 weeks is because of travel. And oh boy.... is this a whopper of a story. So, if you're interested in a tale of insanity, read below the cut.

[TL;DR] I'm back (not that I went anywhere)

sorry I couldn't resist TUWOMT reference, I actually went a lot of places and some of them were good and some were terrible but I really am back now. (Also, I posted this at 2am apparently but did not mean to do that then, so I am reposting now)

So first of all, I was in my hometown in upstate NY last week visiting my family because we are planning to move to the West Coast after our lease is up here so we wanted to visit again before we moved across the country. I live in Florida and we drove 2 days - with our cat in tow - (because my anxiety is so bad it makes it impossible for me to step on an airplane). While I was home I took the train with my bff to Manhattan for 3 days and we hung out there, didn't get to meet Pedro Pascal even once, and took the train back to my hometown. My husband and I drove the 2 days back home and got back Sunday night. It was exhausting and I was only home for like 38 hours and then Tuesday at 1pm I began my next trip. Started with an 18 hour bus ride from Orlando to Lafayette, Louisiana to get a train from Lafayette to Los Angeles, CA. I was planning on being there 12 days before getting the train back to Lafayette and then a bus back to Orlando.

So as I've said I have a terrible fear of flying and I am also the owner of a very bad back (and since my husband and I share a car) I didn’t want to do all that driving alone (dangerous/stressful and bad back) and couldn’t fly cuz of my mental illness. So this is by no means meant to be offensive, but I’m apparently too much of a babygirl to be a bus person. I did not know this. I thought I was tough. Nope. 2.5 hours in on the bus ride and I’ve been listening to this man 2 rows in front of me play instagram reels on his phone the whole time even though the driver said 5 times (FIVE TIMES) to wear headphones….. Well the driver gets sick of it, pulls over at a gas station in the middle of nowhere and tells the guy to leave. He won't so the cops are called. The cops show up and he finally gets off the bus after a 30 min delay. I’m like….. WHAT THE FUCK? IS IT ALWAYS LIKE THIS??? I didn't know if this man was gonna get mad and start swinging on the bus driver or the cops..... it was scary.

The first station I was at in Orlando I almost threw up cuz I was so nervous. Before I got on the bus I went to pee and to wash my hands and there wasn’t any fucking soap in the bathroom. I thought that was bad. AND YET SOMEHOW.... every subsequent stop was somehow worse. Literally, I kept saying to myself “this can’t get any worse” ....and it kept getting worse. These are the sketchiest, dirtiest fucking places you can imagine. I was staring at this toothless old white dude behind the counter at one of their convenience stores and thought to myself “this has got to be a movie set cuz this can’t be real.” Kind of waiting for someone to jump out and say "PSYCH this is all a joke. I know the floors here look like they were mopped with literal dirt, and everyone looks angry or drugged out, but this is all fake. It's all a joke meant to make you lose your mind." But that didn't happen. I've just never experienced anything like it. I’ve never seen anything so disgusting in my life. The 2nd to last stop only had doors on 2 of the 7 bathroom stalls. One of the stations had a TV on that just played old reruns of a Jaime Fox show while every child in the building cried and coughed at alternating intervals. Yes, this was 3am, and they made three busses full of people cram into a station with not enough seats and wait around for an hour... This is not a joke. 

I felt so fucking unsafe the whole time but I had to get off the bus at the stops and walk around (cuz they made you) but also cuz I was VIOLENTLY motion sick the whole fucking ride on the bus. Like clutching a barf bag with a pounding head and miserable. Also on the bus almost everyone else had two seats to themselves and I had a seat partner the entire time, but it kept changing. First it was a girl and then a kid and they were cool but then it was cigarette smelling guy and then guy who literally wouldn’t stop accidentally touching me, including putting his elbow in my back multiple times (I have fucking herniated discs so this did NOT feel good). 

And when I tell you that my back hurt, i mean i couldn’t spread out or anything cuz someone was fucking next to me the whole time so my back was on fire. I was in so much pain I cried 3 separate times. So I couldn’t sleep cuz people kept talking and I was in pain and the ride was rough and guy kept touching me. And I just kept telling myself, ok countdown cuz you’re almost there you're almost there. And by now I told myself - this final stop - the bus/train station in Lafayette - is not going to be clean but it’s okay, because you’re going to be off the bus and it’s going to be okay.

WRONG....

When I tell you that they pulled up to a dark parking lot at 4:50am next to a building with gates drawn down over the doors and dropped me off - I was in fucking shock. “Is this building closed?”  i shouted at the bus driver. “yeah,” he says, getting back on the bus.  “Ummmm, where do i go?” I’m fucking starting to panic. “You can go sit on the platform till they open in a few hours.”  and he’s gone. 

I’m alone in the dark with my luggage at the fucking bus station in downtown Lafayette. 

Oh except I’m not alone because there are 3 men milling about, one of them keeps asking me my name, two of them ride bikes past me back and forth. I go to sit on the platform and this alarm goes off and this voice comes over the loudspeaker shouting  “THERE IS NO LOITERING ALLOWED HERE. PLEASE LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.” and repeats non-stop.  One of the guys goes “why is it doing that? Is it gonna call the police?” HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW?? I FUCKING WISH IT WOULD MY DUDE, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I tell him my name to be nice and he keeps telling me i should come sit with him and this other guy cuz it’s “safer” and I’m like….   IS IT THO?!?!?!?  and he keeps saying “youve never been here? Do you wanna go see downtown? It’s a short walk, i’ll help you roll your suitcase.”   BRO WE’RE NOT GOING COURTING IT’S FUCKING FIVE IN THE MORNING. This man wants to go on a fucking stroll with me and I am just envisioning what my Forensic Files episode is gonna be like and hoping the re-enactment actor they get to play me isn't too ugly.

I’m desperately trying to call a lyft to take me literally anywhere else, and no one is accepting my ride request. FINALLY someone accepts, and after 45 minutes of sitting in the dark, trembling out of fear and cold in only a tshirt with my bags hunched around me, I get my ride. The lyft driver takes me to a Hilton hotel by the airport. I walk in, and I’m mid panic attack and crying and tell the employees there at 6am my story and ask if I can pay for a room so I have somewhere safe to hang out. They refuse to make me pay and offer me the lobby (lots of outlets and large, plush couches) for as long as I need it and tell me to help myself to the hot breakfast and coffee. Fucking Angels.

Does it stop there? No it doesn’t. Cuz I still have to go back to the train station for my train to California, which leaves at 12:30pm. So I spend HOURS in the hotel lobby, chilling and eating and it’s nice and I feel safe. I schedule a lyft to pick me up at 11:15 so I can get back to the train station with an hour before I’m scheduled to depart.

BUT OH WAIT.

10:45am I get a text that my train has been canceled. CANCELED.... Apparently, there are storms affecting the route, so my train will not be running between New Orleans and San Antonio, TX (I’m 2 stops after NO). But they will provide me BUS ACCOMMODATIONS to get me to San Antonio so I can continue my journey there.

Wrong word, my dude. BUS??? I’m fucking triggered. I start bawling like an insane person. The girls who let me stay in the lobby at this point are probably like “oh shit we thought she was normal but she’s crazy.” I call my husband, I call my mom, I call a couple friends. I’m a fucking mess. I just want to go home at this point but I’m still a 12 hour drive away (with no car of course) and OH YEAH I haven’t fucking slept!

So first thing’s first - I ask the hotel for a room and they feel terrible for me (cuz i’m a crying sniveling mess) and give me a discount on a suite and let me check in right away. I call Amtrak and cancel my train, sobbing on the phone with them (and it’s a man so he’s very awkward about it) but they give me a FULL refund. I most likely won’t get refunded at all for the VRBO rental I got for Los Angeles though. I got to the room and booked a rental car for the next day from the airport that I was like right next to, and so the plan was to sleep there overnight and get a lyft to the airport and drive back towards home the next day. 

My husband offered to take off work and drive to meet me at an airport along the watly so I wouldn't have to drive the whole 12 hours with my terrible back.  I ended up getting a Malibu which was such a nice ride and it had a lumbar support in the seat and my back felt FUCKING GREAT. I met up with my husband at our planned location and we drove home. Between the time change, massive rain storms, and construction traffic, we didn't get home till 10:30 but I fucking made it home. (Because of course with all my bad luck I was terrified that I was going to die on the way home.)

BUT IM HOME SAFE IF NOT A LITTLE WORSE FOR WEAR (mentally and physically exhausted). I will make a post later today with my plans for my writing updates. I have a new WIP I want to share and I know some of you are waiting on my current series as well.

TY always for your love and support ✌️💖🫂

[theworldoffostering]

Sunday:

My life feels like a roller coaster.

Three of our kids were in a Christmas pageant at church this morning. I volunteered to help during rehearsals the past two weekends. The performance today was adorable and perfect as far as kid performances go. The kids were super cute, did a great job, and the whole thing lasted about 15 minutes.

We started attending church again in-person around Easter and are at a Lutheran church which is new for me. It is the most accepting church I have ever been in. The pastors are a husband/wife team and the church tends to be community engaged/involved which I love.

Then DD called and tried to ask how she could get her things “in the future” if she “wanted to move out.” She was nearly involuntarily committed last week because she’s so unstable so she thinks now would be a great time to “trade families” and move in with her friend who happens to live at home. What DD really means is she wants a living situation where she has zero accountability for her mental health or anything else. She’s dating her friend while also dating another person that her friend doesn’t know about and the dude she’s dating doesn’t know about the friend she’s sort of, kind of moved in with. She keeps all of her relationships hidden from every person in her life so she doesn’t have to be accountable to anyone for them. I told her I’d be willing to engage in that conversation with her when she was stable. Then she called back a few hours later and just straight out said she was going to move in with her friend. When I pointed out she was nearly involuntarily committed last week and maybe wasn’t super stable to be making huge changes right now, she hung up on me. Great.

Y’all, the stress is so, so much. I have been able to handle major amounts of stress for the bulk of my adult life. Thanks foster care and single parenting. However, these past six months feel like they are maxing my body beyond what it can take. Idk if it’s due to the cancer treatment, my age, or the sheer volume of stuff I’ve had to manage.

I don’t know how to mitigate the stress DD’s situation brings to our home and particularly me. She’s closest to me in our family.

Monday:

DD called and tried to assert that she didn’t hang up on me when she called last night. She’s said, “You told me you were eating dinner.” I said that people usually say goodbye when they are getting off a call instead of simply hanging up. Then she tried to tell me that DH and I prevented her from getting her medication and her things from home last week when she took off. I reminded her that she literally refused to come home with DH when he saw her at Walmart and then blocked us from calling or texting. I also reminded her that she took off without warning while DH was waiting to pick her up from work. Either that’s the mental illness talking or she’s very set on creating a narrative of her behavior that allows her to live with the choices she’s making. Either way, it’s challenging.

I told DD this afternoon that she was always welcome at home, but we could not continue to live with her unless she was willing to do the work to get well. It’s too much for everyone to live with the constant unknown of where she is and what she’s doing. She is making plans to return to her friend’s home where apparently the parent there will make her pay rent.

I am so very sad and hurt.

[callipraxia]

Here’s a blast from the past….

This book is quite old. It’s a tie-in to a TV show that no longer exists. A soap opera, to be specific. The show, perhaps unsurprising, was called Guiding Light; it aired for over fifty years, first on radio and then on television, amd since it had a brief crossover with Marvel Comics once, it was at one point technically said to be the longest-running story ever. And for much of my life, that was my show, y’all.

My grandmother and I watched two soaps when I was little: Days of Our Lives, and Guiding Light. I referred to the former as “Doc” (the pet name one character had for his Most Frequent Wife) and the latter as “Reva” (one of the more prominent characters on Guiding Light). I don’t recall much about GL from those early years, though; my main soap opera memories are of Days, and some bizarre storyline where Stefano DiMera had Marlena Evans in a cage and was somehow decapitating people left and right with a guillotine? And at one point, everyone assumed that John Black, Marlena’s Most Frequent Husband, was among the dead, except he came back - Days was always bad, even by soap opera standards, for bringing people back from the dead inexplicably; in the old days, I think, based on how everyone called Stefano “the Phoenix,” that they also had a sense of humor about this tendency. It was a later storyline - they killed half the town and said Marlena had become a serial killer and then, after she got shot by police I think, they then proceeded to resurrect her and everyone she’d supposedly killed on an island or something? I may be a little vague on the details, but I recall everyone agreeing it had been in seriously bad taste to apparently kill off the very elderly character Alice Horton and then resurrect her, since killing off a character that elderly is normally done as part of a respectful send-off after the actor dies in real life - involving similarly bizarre antics which ultimately made me abandon the show, though that could be because they had lost their sense of humor or maybe my standards, however fractionally, had increased. Now, I remember fondly other Days storylines - the whole Hope Brady/Princess Gina thing, “Gina” and John being mind-controlled secret agents due to some plot of Stefano’s at one point, everything to do with Cassie and Rex, Bo Brady coming back from the dead, having secretly been a secret agent all that time or something, just to almost immediately die again, etc. - and wonder if I’d have had no patience for them later, but I can’t say for sure. All I can say for sure is that by the time I hit middle school, Nan still watched both shows, but I only tuned into Days for special occasions. Guiding Light, however, was a daily ritual.

In middle school, I finished my day at 3:30, and was picked up from school by Nan. Before she left the house each day, she set the VCR to record Guiding Light, which came on at 3pm. We’d get home about 3:45, and by the time I ate something and got out of my school clothes, the episode would be done recording. And so, me and Nan would lay in the bedroom, fast-forwarding through the commercials, from 4:00 to just past 4:30, watching the show. This continued while I was in high school - even though I had crushing amounts of homework and frequently watched the tapes through eyes twisted almost shut because I was having migraines from stress multiple days per week - and to an extent when I was in college. When GL was cancelled, I skipped class for the first time in my life to watch the grand finale live even though it was also being taped, and I cried through the whole thing, even the less sad bits (mostly I recall the episode as sad, though I recall smiling through the tears at the hint, in the closing montage, that my OTP might have gotten back together, when we briefly saw them together in Europe). It felt like like a death in the family.

I didn’t entirely give up the soap opera habit, but it wasn’t the same after that. I recall I briefly tried to get into As The World Turns before it got cancelled. I attempted to make a return to Days, though that didn’t last long before I deemed some plot too stupid to watch anymore and went back to only tuning in on special occasions. I actually managed to get through several years of The Young and the Restless before I accidentally formed my second-ever OTP and got disgusted with the whole show after they unexpectedly broke it up - I still see bits and pieces, as Nan still watches it, but I largely wrote it off out of dislike for the character who ended up with half of OTP. And that takes me back to: what was it about GL that was so special?

It had stupid plots sometimes, goodness knows. There was the whole Reva cloning debacle, for instance. I ended up accepting Jeffrey O’Neill, but rolled my eyes copiously at a) the idea that he wasn’t actually Richard Winslow back from the dead and b) the eventual explanation for why no, this one time, he really wasn’t his old character back from the dead. I intensely disliked a pairing and a few characters in later seasons, and let’s not even discuss that time with the terrible Reva-cancer storyline - there seems to have been something about Reva and medical storylines, because the cloning debacle and the absurd cancer plot were the things that pushed me closest to giving up on the show. I never quite did, though, and while I will agree that GL’s second tie-in book was a pile of hot rubbish, I…actually rather liked Lorelei’s Diary up there. I googled it just now, and am rather disappointed to see Beth Chamberlin seems to have given up writing afterward; if she’d written anything else, I think I would have given it a shot.

I first read this book in eighth grade, and I read it over and over and over again over the years. I haven’t reread it in years (until this morning, anyway, lol), but it remains one of the books I would take with me if I decided it was time to abruptly leave the country (yes, there’s a list - what, from my 1700-book collection, I couldn’t leave behind if I had to start a new life on a new continent). It’s…special to me, somehow. Is it Great Literature? No. But it’s special to me, somehow.

Anyway, nice little trip down memory lane there.

[ahiddenpath]

Life Talk

Talkin bout life beneath the cut.

Hm... I guess it's a business as usual situation.

One new thing: I'm much fitter. I've been working out regularly, to measurable results. My resting heart rate went down (very important, as my family history is riddled with heart problems), I'm building muscle and strength. What I am not doing is losing weight, alas. I've been trying harder on that front recently, and oh my god, the absolute hangryness. Unbelievable. I'm not even undereating! I'm just eating better, but of course, healthier food tends to be less calorically dense (not always- almonds, my beloved).

I also scheduled my vacation to Japan with my husband. We've wanted to go since we were kids. You know, we've been married nearly 10 years, and we have never left the country together? That's partly because of the pandemic- Japan hasn't been open to tourists all that long. But... Man. I've been dreaming about going to Japan for about... God, idk, 17 years? And yet, I'm dreading it? And we haven't planned a thing beyond purchasing plane tickets? It's an amazing chance and I'm so blessed and I do not have the spoons to plan/prepare/research.

Work is rough. It's always rough. I've adjusted in the sense that I have gained skills I need and I've learned that I will never be on top of things and I must be comfortable with letting stuff pile up, because it's literally impossible to avoid. I'm always being assigned stuff that, "hey no one has been able to do this, but you have a go." The wild thing is that sometimes- sometimes, my colleagues and I pull it off.

I've never worked with such talented people. Everyone is nice and wildly intelligent. But this place is a frothing ball of chaos. Apparently, there is a reorganization next week. My anxiety is fine with that (sarcasm). There are too many employees, not enough instruments/space/supplies. I clocked 5,000 steps a few days ago scouring the huge facility for the basic tools I needed to do my experiment that day. I'm losing sleep stressing about the next work day.

I'm experiencing that awful sensation again of losing myself to work stress and exhaustion. I am not sure what to do, even though I've been dealing with this and struggling to manage it for years.

Creatively, it's been harder to find time/have interest. But the habits I've spent 10+ years building are carrying me, and I am still showing up for my projects and myself at least 30 min per day. I'll be updating Puits d'Amour Monday, as planned.

You know, I'm not sure where I'm going to go, creatively, after PdA. I know I want to finish it before I launch anything else, because it does have an ending in sight. I'm growing more cognizant that, well... My writing is great, and I already have the habits I need to finish and refine projects. Should I be pursuing that? Like, as a potential income source? I've fought my way to a fair salary (I wouldn't even say good, just not exploitative, and yes, that was a battle) in biotech. I do interesting and meaningful work. But I'm beyond burnt out.

I don't know, it's a lot to think about. But I do know that I'll continue creating, because it helps keep me sane.

I hope you're all doing well! I'm overdue to exercise, so I need to go. Take care, big kiss!

[wittybibliophile]

DREAMLAND BILLIONAIRE SERIES - LAUREN ASHER

Book Two: TERMS & CONDITIONS 👠💍👞💼

"@ To anyone fighting an invisible battle, i see you!!"

#Characters

* DECLAN (36yr old): The eldest of the three Kane brothers, Mr. Not-So-Ready-For-Commitments. A person who thinks he's unlovable (as told to him by his father), works too much literally too much. He doesn't want to lose his best ever assistant iris but marrying her was not in his to-do list (at least not in reality), well until she did tell everyone she's his secret fiancée. He likes her as an assistant and as a woman (which he totally denies all the time). Like every book husband ( referring to marriage of convenience or haters to lovers troop) he starts to understand that he likes iris, and all the emotions that he had trapped after his mom passed away, are coming back in full surge... He is a very caring, understanding, a little too much workaholic husband to iris ( i meant fake-husband guys). It took one woman which is of course Iris to disturb his work riddled mind ( he hadn't thought about a woman in fourteen years since he started working without rest). He is also very jealous or rather possessive kind. i mean is it not too CUTE to see a strong- headed man to just swoon over for one woman only. To remember each small information or detail which relates to her. For a man like Declan to be afraid to tell himself that he cares, loves and is scared for someone other than just his work and company or himself.

Declan is a man who can describe sentences or i would rather say his emotion in one word. He is so precious. I did not like the selfish business self of him in the middle or the end of the book but it is expected from a person who doesn't have any goal in life other than take care of his company, its profits and his brothers (just from difficult situations). He is my favorite when he shows his venerability only to iris, when he does not think that showing her how he feels not only about her but every other thing in the world or about himself is not a sign of weakness but strength. How when he realizes he loves her, he doesn't shy away from that feeling but rather tries to win over his wife. Too sweet. I love how he knows about iris's difficulties and have always been caring for her without knowing it himself. Always been helping her overcome everything she needs to, to become a strong and independent woman, even if she does not get to know till the end section of the book.

There was just one part where i thought that maybe i would have left him if i was to be put into iris's shoes, when he used her insecurities against her in a bout of anger and stress. Blaming her was one thing but to say something so offensive, poking the sensitive topics, was something which i didn't like at all. I do not think so i could forgive a person who can hurt me deliberately at my face by using something I'm too sensitive about. Or make fun of it, just because you are angry and do not have the ability to think so the first thing you do is attack personally (maybe i would give a second chance to that person but after a lot of time). Maybe i am not at that place right now, but if i could be iris and love a person so much and it was someone like Declan i might forgive for real... ( i haven't been in love irl).

Overall i loved his character, it was just amazing reading from his prospective. i always love a good book with tells the story from both sides.

*IRIS (24yr old) : Personal assistant to Declan and is herself Ms. NOT-SO-READY-FOR-COMMITMENTS. Goal-oriented woman, who didn't think she would be Mrs. Kane and bear his kids any day, and not when she definitely had a 5year plan to make a family. She does not understand why she cares too much for Declan, apparently just enough to actually marry him for his benefit and also bare him a child like for real.

Iris is afraid of commitments, she is a person who leaves or bow out of a relation before it gets too real for her, too emotional, attached or too open. It all comes down from her parents relation, which was not a smooth one, it was abusive, and they had to leave or can i say "run" to protect themselves and their future. For iris " love marriage means to lose more than she is willing to part with".

We also see iris struggling with words since she was a child , and of course as always being bullied for it by her father, friends, schoolmates and so on. Because apparently people can not shut up or mind their own business like ever, so for her to overcome that barrier or at least work on it and outshine everyone has always been her one and only goal. She is a strong woman who does not let her disorder define her.

I particularly loved her and Callahan's friendship in the book, how these two bestfriends stood for each other every time, anywhere. From feelings and heartbreaks, to littlest things like chatting or gossiping. It came with a downside that we see iris having no friends other than Cal because she is always working extra hours and on holidays even to complete assignments. ( that is what you get for being personal assistant to a very busy boss, who thinks of work even in his dreams maybe). She is a selfless woman for Declan, loving and kind, just right for him and him alone, but too good for anyone else.

Overall, i loved loved loved this book. i would definitely would want everyone to read it, ( if you haven't read already and also maybe if after reading almost everything happening in the book) sorry for some solid spoilers people but i assure you, who ever would want to read this book that little details i missed will be worth reading. One of the reasons that i think we should make Declan our one of the favorite book husband is because that it is very difficult to get a man like Declan in real life and also it is almost impossible to be someone like iris.. ( although i feel it is too much to actually marry someone and bear them children for their own benefit in today's time like in real life). But nonetheless it was a fantastic one of the three. Of course you can make it out from the way i have written about Declan and iris (and Zahra and rowan from book one. Vast difference, I think I have something for troubled billionaires just like iris and also for this particular troop of marriage of convenience)

Well, i am reading the third and last book of the Dreamland billionaire trilogy and hopefully will write soon... Keep smiling!!

Xoxo,

Ironically Witty!

[bybdolan]

Celebrity culture is so weird I saw a Tiktok a couple weeks ago about the adad Levine thing making a list of the next husbands that were gonna have a cheating scandal and they're reason were ridiculous like Joe Jonas just because Sophie and him can be that happy or Ryan Gosling because he wants everyone to think he's super nice and eats to keep his family private and other stupid claims like that about people with no valid arguments and all the comments were agreeing and saying they are dying to see it and it's just so sad the way they treat famous people just because they are rich or whatever, someone was claiming that Taylor saying she sometimes doesn't feel like a real person was just whining because she has the money to pay for the best psychologist, like what?

Long-ish answer under the cut because I'm also going to talk about the ask @youareworldsaway sent me.

re your post: its not even just like relationships you see it with people being papped or at award shows or interviews or red carpets. One second captured on camera and the whole world decides what your feeling. Like at Venice with Harry and Olivia sure they didnt interact as much but there are moments but since they didnt go viral everyone was just like “oh they broke up.” Like Joe apparently always looks miserable with Taylor when that could just be his resting face (i can relate my resting face i apparently look sad!) i find it odd we base an entire thought process on someone for .1 second we see them. And like yeah taylor was smiling during 1989 but she was also going through a hard time. How people show themselves as well isnt an accurate description of what they are going through. Human beings are complex! we have good and bad days. Idk i have so many thoughts on this and how swifties in general will make taylors feelings a monolith “shes depressed” or “shes the happiest shes ever been” (ask by @youareworldsaway)

You guys both expanded on the points I was making in the original post very eloquently and probably better than I could so thank you!!! I know that my empathy for celebrities is not something everybody feels and understandably so, but it just seems so HARD to be that surveilled all the time and have people pry apart your every move. The way people will dissect some celebrity videos is honestly disgusting to me because nothing seems more terrifying than a stranger using a moment of vulnerability as ammo to spread rumors about you. It's obviously not a direct treat to your life, but it is tough and scary and just seems super stressful. And it bleeds into the way regular people think about their relationships, too. A recent example is the whole Try Guys shabang where suddenly people were led to believe that it was a red flag when guys talked about their wives a lot, when there is a huge difference between your buddy Craig doing this and Ned Fulmer, who has made loving his wife part of his brand and thus his job and livelihood, saying it. Plus: We only get the tiiiniest look into these people's lives! We don't know them! They are frequently pretending!

[sybalcathryne]

best friend hasn’t yet remembered my birthday, but the family member I am no contact with did and tried to call me in the middle of dinner.

Father is trying to make dinner plans for said birthday, but scheduled them too early for me to come, apparently has forgotten I don’t have a way there, and didn’t actually reach out until nearly the end of my birthday about it, and now I don’t know how to tell him “never mind” because I am now stressed out about it, and frustrated that they literally never seem to remember my birthday until the day of. Which wouldn’t bother me, except this isn’t how the other kids are treated. I know I am loved, but every year birthdays and holidays are just another reminder that I not really part of that family the way everyone else is. With the other kids I get invited last minute to birthday dinners they chose at least a week in advance. It’s also good to remember that for years I was the only child who was given the rankings of each child, and have been on the bottom of that list every time. I used to try and laugh it off, but that shit fucking HURT. Why would you make any effort for parents who think it’s okay to rank their children, let alone tell no one except the kid at the bottom of your list. That shit isn’t funny. It’s targeted and cruel, and yet part of me is still over here going “don’t be too mean or honest about the rankings thing because you know they do love you, so it’s not nice to get upset about the shitty thing that was done to you.”

My mother and her husband drove to see one of my siblings on their birthday. Drove across five states to visit them, even though they have been a real back of shit about mother and her husband’s marriage because it’s her second one (they wrote they a nasty letter about it years ago, only held our mother to that standard, because apparently our father being male exempts him from that fun bit of judgement when it comes to second marriages.) drove to see them even though they married and literal child, and no one seems to have a problem with it? In fact recently I had my homosexuality compared to them marrying a kid. Which is weird, given I only view consenting adults as potential romantic/sexual partners, not children. My mother did text my on my birthday though to let me know she’d be around my part of the state next weekend and can she maybe stop in for a hug - if there is time. Which, would be more upsetting but both my mother and someone I thought was a close friend, recently made it very clear they only visit me when they are already in town to see someone else, and per my friend, now that that person doesn’t live near me she doesn’t have a reason to come this way anymore, and per my mother…honestly I don’t know. But she only stops in if she’s already going to be in town, and then only IF she manages to find time to do so. And then I wonder why I get to twisted up in knots emotionally when it’s time to actually see her. I also can’t mention anything about being queer around her. She’s not an ass about it, but she gets that heavy disapproving quiet where I know I need to be quiet or she’ll be writing me a letter telling me god told her in prayer that I was going to hell for “thinking” I liked my own gender, and to please pray on it myself and find the light or whatever the fuck. The saving factor there would be if she told my step father, pretty sure he’d tell her to keep it to herself. He’s not perfect, but he does alright. But, again, I can’t say any of this to anyone because my brain goes “they’ve been hurt enough by their children, you have to keep it together, forgive them and move on. They love you so much and did so many things right, so it would be so rude and monstrous for you to let them know they hurt you in anyway.”

Also, I got really excited when a couple of friends asked if I wanted to go and get dinner the day of or after my birthday. They were trying to act all casual, like they were just asking for a normal hang, and that it had nothing to do with my birthday. I thought it was very cute and sweet, and I told them I was busy on my birthday, but I could do it the day or two days after. They said that worked, they were really excited…and I haven’t heard anything since. crickets.

a lot of things are starting to support the idea that people like me, sometimes love me, in theory, but the moment it comes time to be face to face they dip. I’m better as an idea of a friend, family member, person, etc., than I am in reality. I’m the human equivalent of window shopping for most people, it seems.

But you know, even though every birthday for the last 10 years has served as a painful reminder that I am easily forgotten (family text me on my birthday to see if I wanted to join them for something they were already doing two days later, other family text me to let me know they were going out of town), last year was good at the end of the day. Awkward at first, but good. Really good overall, and I have to cling to that.

And this year, this year was good. Had a nice chill morning with my partner, went and spent time with people who had basically been my family and I essentially lived with them for years, it was really good. I swore too much and was too loud, but they folded me right back in like I had never left. It was the mother’s birthday as well, it was nice to make the day about her and not worry about me. then when i came home i took a quick bath, my partner summoned me over me over to their place because they were cooking me dinner, when i got to their place they had some of my favourite drinks and snacks for me at the top of their steps. we had a really wonderful time, dinner was amazing, and it was the perfect way to wrap up the day.

so i guess… this year hurt just as much as other years. More so in some ways, but also there was so much good, and i felt so at ease in my own skin the whole time — which i do not always get, that it felt like a good birthday for the first time in ages. which isn't fair to last year, last year was also wonderful for similar reasons, but last year i was struggling with some pretty heavy rejection sensitivity coupled with some lingering depression, so last year was also wonderful, my brain just wasn't letting me vibe with it the whole time and still tries to push those feelings to the front of my memory when i think back so it takes a little more effort to remember that it was a good one and i loved it.

[ribbitdesdemars]

While on the topic, I find it HILARIOUS how that conversation came about. I’ve been playing RPG with this group of people for a hand full of times now but I’ve been very reserved with what all I share about myself. For example, the DM was going on and on about how being in your older twenties feels like, mind you this is the second time he does this. The first time I let him have his moment since I could tell he gets his kicks from being older than most of the players. It’s giving “wise old sage” vibes. This time wasn’t any different. I sat there agreeing with what he was saying and he was looking at me like what do I know to the point where he questioned my validity 🤭 so I told him my age and the whole room flipped 🤣🤣 it reminds me of when the guy I started with at work found out my age and he was SHOCKED thinking I was his age which is 23 💁🏽‍♀️ ANYWHOSE apparently everyone thought I was no older than 25 or 26 🤭 and the DM never expected me to be older than him 🤭🤭

Back to why I mentioned this. At the end of the game, he nonchalantly asked if my family and I stayed in the area which I answered yes to cause we do lol but I clarified that I didn’t stay with them and that my sister lives with her husband. He went “oh your husband, got it” I was like no, my sister lives with her husband. I live on my own.” That’s how I got into that whole mess since I said I use to live with my girlfriend but then she broke up with me. Which lead to someone else say that I almost sound relieved that she had broken up with me.

My mother mentioned the same thing during the earlier days of my break up. She said that I looked happier and that I look peaceful vs the stressed out look I had started to wear in the later months on my relationship.

I am glad to finally be on this side of things. It only took exactly three months. Well three months and like a week lol

It’s nice to be in the acceptance stage. I love my own company and I won’t be settling for less any time soon. I truly would prefer to be single for the rest of my life than to date someone who is less than what I deserve. I love myself way too much to put myself through another god awful relationship.

[p-t-f-s]

everytime i make a new friend or i open up about shit it /always/ ends up at one point or another they say my life is like a tv show or i should write a book or pitch my life - like more a handful amount of times, like damn near every time i make a friend. and like. i wish they were wrong when i try to look objectively at what im telling them and not just. my life that i wake up and live and go to sleep with every day. but also like. thats also a looooooooooot of people ive met??? everyone has interesting and fun stories, but most of life is so similarly repetitive that we forget it more than we experience. also i do believe it is my autistic rizz. and ability to self sooth and parent.

[its all just personal life bitching/discussion/musings below]

anyways i wish life would be calm for like. a couple months pls. i know a year is too much to ask but literally this year has been a lot. like last year was a lot but it wasnt a fucking competition. getting my car stolen again, then losing my job in what was supposed to be my 5 year anniversary, and then finding out my uncle had stage 4 cancer. then it was spring break and i got to visit my cousing with a thankfully preplanned and prepayed vacation during the midst and height and she and her husband were like "heres our cocktail maker. get as drunk as you want" which was nice of them so i stayed tipsy half the time i was awake instead of high while in seattle. went to a wine tasting expo. got throw up drunk. my cousin was very impressed by my ability to keep my manners while drunk past my tits and wait to throw up till after id rolled the window down and stuck my head out. i was getting blackout drunk bc id apparently texted my friends i loved them which i had no recollection of doing considering my phone was actively dying while i was still only actually tipsy at that expo. i was also less stress then bc my car had been found. totalled, crashed and smashed in the front which thankfully i owed less than it was worth so they payout covered the downpayment for my new car. rip to not getting my personalized horse license plate with my name on it. then i get back home and my uncle is now dead and the whole family is in town for the funeral. its been a cascade of em for a few years now since my mom started the party back in 21.

by the viewing id started a new job for a week. close by home and only a dollar less than previously. they were asking a whole lot for shit pay in truth. and NOW. I FIND OUT THE JOB I STARTED WHILE TAKING A FRAUD ACCOUNTING CLASS. MIGHT BE VICTIM TO FRAUD. POSSIBLY SINCE INCEPTION AND IN THE MOST TERRIBLY HORRIBLY OBVIOUS WAY THAT JUST KEPT SLOWLY AND SLOWLY GETTING PEELED AND REVEALED. I love it when the head of one department tells me hes in cahoots with the head of another dpt and a few workers from their and others about the terrible company shit they found and are kinda looking at other jobs. ofc he did say that after i said to his face that i was spending a bit every morning applying to other jobs after learning of the possible fraud VIA OUR """CONSULTING CFO""" having been previously convicted of fraud. twice. over a decade between convictions. were getting drinks later this week for him to tell me everything else hes found and lurked about in the system. and how no one understands what accounting is or does or how i actually spend half or most of my day playing solitaire or watching anime. bc they want me to be a controller but are calling and paying me at the clerk level. so thats what they get. i love the phrase act your wage.

theres still so many other things that have happened this year too that i still havent mentioned. like the moon hole. passive aggressive fighting with my upstairs neighbor who said i was "delusional and fucking hallucinating" bc i said he stomps in the middle of the night. and literally as i typed that there he went above my head at. ah. 10:58 pm. since my second talking to him in march i know ive not been the only one to talk to him about his shaking the goddamn foundations of the building or waking the toddler constantly in the apartment next to his, diagonal from mine. the surprise birthday party my friends threw for me after literally freightening me when i came home with surprise and each giving me different hearfelt and attentive gifts of all my different interests. weekly dinners with my dad on the same days he was court ordered to have my older siblings and i during the week as he lives 10 minutes away taking care of our grandfather. hes the only reason i get updates on my older sisters life as she blocked me on all social media and cut me from her life before our mothers death for our differing political beliefs. infighting truly is the death of leftists as out beliefs were always closer together than to that of our very republican parents. but im also not an american government shoe loving authority cuck like most the rest of em. "you know what its like to be a minority bc you were a literal minority of being white kids going to a majority black school in the city." to my fucking FACE. not only is that incredibly dismissive on so many levels but like with how LEGITIMATELY my siblings took and NOODED THEIR HEADS?????? TO IT. truly fiction is a joke compared to life.

anyways this is the most any of you will ever get from me here on tumblr in months, good luck to any of my followers seeing this who were unaware i am a person and wassup to my mutuals entirely unaware of my life and smooches to my dear dear friends who are all very aware of all of this. everyone else. idgaf, this was for me to vent and proclaim. bc i lay down in my bed with my cat looking very disappointed that im not asleep despite how late it is and i have to go to sleep keeping all of that with me for the rest of my life. oh it may not stay close, it may not be completely there by the end, but i know i will always be aware even more so than before when i was living out of my car, of what i keep in and am willing to leave in and with it. I have somehow kept that cute little cactus my friend gave my for my birthday alive still, i now have a whole wall of plants that ive kept alive for over a year, and i plant to keep that as long as I can. I have presents and gifts and memories that i plan to look fondly on tomorrow and the day after and the day after that and so on. afterall. I need to check on my plants and water them, and feed my cat. everyday a tragedy happens and still i must feed my cat. my mother was dying, and still i had to feed my cat. was she suffering? no, she was not even there anymore to be suffering and still i must go home and feed my cat and sleep and wake up and there is my cat to welcome my mornings after guarding my nights, a clear agreement that she must be fed once pleased with her pettings. my elder sister blocked me and cut me from her life before our mothers death and even during she did not change, strong in her stance and belief not even grief would change or ease her foundations. nor would my grief stop my cat from being fed. every day i wake and sleep with all these things and one day my cat will die. and i will grieve. and it will not be her that gets me through it, but she will never be parted from me again. i will wake up and make the same sleepy motions that indicate her morning ritual that will not be performed. my day will be as different and as same as it was before. i will sleep and i will wake with it all and i will meet someone new and tell them the first time i really got into energy drinks was after getting a whole case for being a smartass at 7am to emergency driving instructors. that i only started drinking coffee bc a boy who liked me worked at starbucks and so gave me a large giftcard and an in to getting my first job at starbucks. you never know why or how somethings started.

[vaguelyaperson]

📖📚 Vaguely Book Reviews 📚📖

Classics Edition

Title: The Age of Innocence Author: Edith Wharton Published: 1920 Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 7/10

I found this book most interesting upon finishing it. While the premise was engaging, the prose itself was redundant in some of its ramblings, and its narrative subtly ironic. (Though the tongue in cheek humor of the narrative was apparent from page one.) No, what I mean is that I found myself confused by the title contrasted to the plotline: 'The Age of Innocence' being a story about a married man's affair with a defamed woman. The story didn't really 'click' - in all its details and how things were framed - until the last page.

The story takes place in an unspecified year of the 1870s. It's the gilded age of New York City, and the protagonist belongs to one of the functionally aristocratic families.

Among the stressed themes is that despite the United States not having an actual aristocracy (that would otherwise demand perfect breeding), wealthy Americans are just as conservative as their European counterparts. Or at least, wealthy Americans of this particular time period. The author goes out of her way to outline as many examples of this conservativeness. So when Madame Olenska arrives from Europe having separated from her still legally bound husband, and takes up the company of bohemians, the elite of NYC want little to do with her.

That is except the protagonist, Newland Archer, who is engaged to Madame Olenska's cousin and hostess, May Mingott. Yes, man cheats on his wife with her cousin. Tell me again how this is an age of innocence?

Well it's the age of innocence (Spoilers Ahead) because the entire affair is resolved quietly and peacefully. Newland, even when he receives the freedom and opportunity to do so, never sees Madame Olenska ever again. He lives a content, tranquil life with his wife - who had suspicions about the affair The Entire Time. This may seem like an anti-climatic conclusion, but it's exactly what ties together every single detail about the conservative social expectations. There's no dramatic scandal because there's not allowed to be a dramatic scandal.

"It was the old New York way... the way people dreaded scandal more than disease, who placed decency above courage, and who considered that nothing was more ill-bred than 'scenes,' except the behavior of those who gave rise to them."

- from the scene of Madame Olenska's send-off back to Europe, as Newland realizes almost everyone in the room knows of the affair, and no one's said a word. This is towards the very end of the book, when it dawns on the reader that there will be no dramatic conclusion. The cheating couple will not elope, the wife will not lose her temper, Newland will not be defamed. It is the age of innocence quite simply because everyone pretends all is innocent.

The meaning behind the title becomes all the more evident when there's a time-skip. Newland's adult son - influenced by the newer values of his generation - invites his father on a trip to Paris. May, the wife, has since passed away. The son contacts Madame Olenska - knowing who she was to his father. He sets up a meeting, thinking it will be a wonderful reunion for Newland and Olenska, who still hold a flame for each other. He compares their love to the one he has for his fiancée (who notably comes from a defamed family, but he still receives permission to marry.)

"Dash it, Dad, don't be so prehistoric! Wasn’t she - once - your Fanny?" "My Fanny-" ... "Well, the woman you'd have chucked everything for: only you didn't."

This interaction is quite notable because it insists things have changed. The society the son lives in isn't so terrified of scandal anymore. He can marry a woman from a questionable family, so why not give his dad a chance to reunite with an old lover?

Newland doesn't go.

"Say I'm old-fashioned: that's enough." - he says on the final page.

[sheisamadcap]

Today I just learned how much my mother blames me for everything

Fresh out of college and board exams at 21, I immediately started earning a living and providing what I can for the family. Call me a breadwinner if you may. A lot has changed in my life, from profession to last name, but providing for my first family has always been a constant for me. I am 30 years old now.

In 2020, my parents decided to end their marriage after I stepped in and gave them an ultimatum on what they wanted to happen with their relationship and our family. I basically got tired from all the scream battles and breaking things in the house, or everyone giving everyone cold treatment, there was no in between. There was a point where my father was nothing but deflective and even physically abusive to me and my siblings (especially the youngest, got beaten up multiple times). Mother was just always emotionally-absent and dismissive. I was 26 then, my younger sister 24, and our youngest brother 21.

In the process of their separation, dad wanted to sell our family home, take half of the money and go back to his parents to a far island province. Mom strongly refused, but I told her that if they really are separating, there's no point in keeping the house, and that I will help her get another house to live in (which I did). She did many ways to convince dad not to sell the house but dad was not budging, so she reluctantly gave in in the end.

In 2022, my dad would frequently message me and my siblings how he was deeply regretful of his decision to leave, he was sick and apparently running out of the money he took from selling our family home. He asked to let him live with us again. At this time my mother was in a new relationship and they were kind of on&off living together, my siblings and I were living our separate adult lives too. So it was easy to say that what he asked was impossible, because there was nowhere to return to.

In December 2023, on the day of my mother's birthday, my father died. He was a heavy drinker up to his 30s, but more than that he was a chainsmoker, I guess up until he couldn't smoke anymore. Some may say it was only a matter of time for those to catch up to him, especially because he was never health-conscious, never had a good diet and never exercised properly.

I saw it coming the day he left us, but it still devastated me. I love my father so much, or at least the version of him before he turned to his abusive ways. He was my superman and my comedian. He was all that before the marriage and money problems began.

What hurt more was that we were not able to go to his wake and burial because of financial problems (and the fact that the whole clan on his side of the family was "disappointed" in us because we did not accept him back into our lives). Despite that I still took out a large chunk of mine and my husband's savings to give my aunt money for hospital, funeral and burial expenses. It was the best I can do, as going there is so costly I would rather help them bury my father properly with the money, even if it means I would not see the remains of him one last time. It still hurts a lot. I am trying to move on day by day, but there is a large hole in my heart now he is gone, and I can't even visit his grave.

Fast forward to yesterday, my brother messaged our mom for me about something because I am not currently in good and talking terms with her, and I promise you it was for a very valid reason. My brother showed me what mother said to him about how she is so stressed about me not wanting to talk to her, about how she wanted to just leave and disappear because she is not wanted, the usual gaslighting lines. Honestly, she was always like this. She never acknowledged anyone's struggle but her own. She can make bad decisions but we were only allowed to sympathize because we can now understand things as adults, even if we got hurt or are still hurt.

What I cannot fathom about everything she said to my brother was how she "finally understood why my father left us". And that she might just do the same until the last of her remaining days, saying she is "ready". She sai she plans on going home to her hometown with her siblings so they can take care of her since we would not do it. At this time she is living in a house I bought using her money from selling our family home as downpayment, and my own income to pay for the remaining balance monthly under a 30-year loan.

I always knew she was not happy about how I convinced her to let the family home go and start again. I made peace with that indifference knowing it was the way to stop all the abuse and let everyone move on. What I was not aware of is how she thinks it was my fault (or her children's fault) that my father wanted to leave in the first place. How she can have the audacity to say that is shaking me to my very core, thinking how much trauma we got from their toxic marriage. So much trauma that I decided I never want to have kids.

I feel almost betrayed at this point, knowing all that revelation from her and after all I have done for the family for the last nine years. To be fair, I always had that sinking feeling that I everything I do will never be enough, now I can confirm it is true. I am so hurt that I do not want to have anything to do with her until she dies. But I know that my love and understanding for her will always kick in. I'm just lucky I live quite far from her now so I can physically distance myself at least.

But how do you go from here?

[vinbee631]

What Our Parents Didn't Teach Us

chapter 3!! this is the heavy bit, I promise i have more lighthearted plans for the future, but for now, cw for homophobia, transphobia, blatant misgendering and deadnaming, + anxiety mentions and talk of divorce

the prompt for this was "no changes" which I... may have stretched a little but I like to think it still fits!

The last half hour of the drive to his parent’s house, Remus was a blur of motion in the backseat.

When Patton had noticed him picking at the red skin on his knuckles, he offered a fidget toy as a replacement, but other than that, he and his husband let him be. Remus had every reason to be stressed out, and there was no need to discuss the stimming when they’d had plenty of conversations about this day for the past week.

Everyone in the car was facing their own amount of anxiety about the day’s events. Roman’s sister, Remus’ mom, she was very well known for her unpredictability (and cruelty). She had kicked Remus out, but that had been months ago.

Roman was hopeful she was going to have a change of heart, but he was not optimistic. Mostly for Remus’ sake, but partially for his own. She was still his sister, after all. No matter how crazy or homophobic she was, a part of him was still the protective older brother, wanting to look out for her and make sure she was alright.

He tried his best to focus on literally anything else as they parked on the street in front of her house. Despite everyone’s initial anticipation, they sat in silence as the car ran, no one particularly eager to make the first move out of the safety of Roman’s car.

“We don’t have to go in until you’re ready, kiddo.” Patton unclipped his seatbelt and turned to check in on Remus. He still looked far too anxious for either of his uncles to be happy, but his determination won out eventually.

Hand in hand, the three of them walked to the door together, only breaking apart so Remus could be the one to knock on his parents’ door.

To Remus’ relief, it was not his mom that answered the door.

“Oh, buddy.” Remus let out an involuntary sniffle as his dad pushed through the doorway to wrap him in a hug. “Hey. Hi. Are you okay? I… I’m so- the apology isn’t even enough. I’m just… I’m so happy to see you.”

“Yeah,” Remus whispered, clinging back. “Um… sorry for blocking your number.”

Ron chuckled breathlessly, pulling away to cup Remus’ face in his hands. “I don’t blame you for that. I can’t deny I was worried, but… that was deserved. Uhm… would you like to come in? All of you?”

Remus took the lead, following his dad inside, with his uncles following in line behind him. After a few moments passed, and no one said anything, Remus flopped onto the couch, smiling as one of the family cats immediately made its home in his lap, purring away like nothing was wrong.

“Well, look who finally decided to show up.” Remus tensed, and found that almost instantly, he was met with two protective hands on his shoulders, one his dad’s and one his uncle Roman’s, who had both, apparently, taken a seat on either side of him. Patton stood nearby, and despite his lack of height, managed to make his stance very intimidating.

“Oh. And you've brought Roman. I suppose my daughter ran off to stay with you, then?”

“He didn’t run off, Candy. He called me to tell me he was no longer welcome in his own home, to which I drove two hours in the snow to pick him up so he didn’t freeze to death. But yes, he’s been staying with me,” Roman retorted.

Patton squeezed his hand tightly. Reassurance, mostly, and probably a warning not to get too angry just yet. Roman was… well, he’d try his best at that part.

“Of course, you of all people would play into her little- tomboy fantasy. Regardless, I am glad you brought her home. Thanks for stopping by. Oh, and maybe call Dad once in a while? He asks for you all the time.”

“First of all,” Roman huffed, squeezing Patton’s hand and Remus’ shoulder to keep his anger in check, “we’re not here to ‘drop Remus off.’ I didn’t even want to bring him here in the first place. And secondly, after the- endless amount of incorrigible things Dad has said to myself and my husband, I do not think I’m going to be doing that.”

His sister rolled her eyes. “Come on, you can’t seriously still be butthurt about that, it’s been years! And, I mean, he didn’t say anything that wasn’t true,” Candy glowered in Patton’s direction, staring him up and down as he spoke.

Patton shivered as a chill blew down his spine, and not the good kind.

“Look, I didn’t come here to let my family get verbally berated by quite possibly the most homophobic people in my life, and I’m not talking about your husband. We’re here because Remus is likely going to be staying with us permanently, which means he needs to switch schools.”

Candy looked briefly furious, before allowing her anger to settle into a deceptive calm. “Alright, fine. You can take Regina with you. She can come and live with you as long as she wants. Or, well, she can live with you as long as she wants, until the police come knocking with a missing report and an arrest on file for kidnapping. That’s fine with me.”

“Candy, please don’t-” Whatever reasoning Ron was trying to come up with was quickly shut down by a look sharp enough to kill. She directed her attention back to her brother and son, who both valiantly avoided eye contact.

“Oh, changed your mind so soon? I can’t imagine why. Well, I suppose I’m cooking for one more tonight. Three more, if your uncles decide to stay the afternoon? Come Regina, you can help me crack the eggs.”

“You know what?” Remus pushed himself up to stand, meeting her eyes before she could turn away. “I didn’t change my mind. I know exactly what I want, and what I’m going to do. I want to live with my uncles, for however long they’ll have me. I want to personally obliterate any person left still calling me that- stupid fucking name. It’s not even a cool name! It means ‘queen,’ which is one of the most boring definitions, there are like- fifty different names that mean royalty!

“Every time someone calls me that, it makes me want to rip all my skin off and pluck my eyeballs out of their sockets so I’d never have to look at myself again. I don’t know what you aim to accomplish by making my existence so unbearable that I’ve thought about not living anymore so I wouldn’t have to deal with it, but it’s not getting you ‘your daughter back,’ that’s for damn sure.

“And you know what? Maybe my decision will change! And that’s okay too! Maybe one day I’ll decide that the name I picked is stupid, which I won’t because the original Remus was a badass and died in such a cool way, and also it kinda matches Uncle Roman’s which makes it even cooler, but even then, it doesn’t matter! Even if I do go back to the way I was before, the fact that you never allowed that transition to be an option for me, actively putting me in danger of myself because you didn’t educate me on something that was so, so important for years, means that I will never go back to having the relationship I did with you when I was little.

“So you can go around and say that you disowned me, or that You made the wise decision to never allow me back in the house, but in the end, it’s me that’s cutting you off. It’s me that’s ending the relationship. Because even if Regina comes back, she’ll never come back to you. Cool? Cool. Dad, can you sign this for me?”

Remus’ mom gaped, flapping her mouth like a comically deformed fish as Ron gracefully accepted the pen and signed off where his son pointed.

Roman stood right next to him, with his own husband, the both of them shining with enough pride to light up the entire house.

When the legal business was over, if you could even call it that, Remus’ dad reached out for another hug, which was gratefully accepted, and they both eagerly promised to call each other, while easily ignoring his mother’s furious gaze.

She opened her mouth to say something else, probably senseless screaming, but Roman cut her off. “Candy, as much as I love you, I don’t think any of us are actively going to listen to what you have to say. So unless it’s an apology or a kinder invitation for free food, I think we’re gonna head out. Ron, it was nice to see you, as always.”

Candy did a little bit more useless flapping, before letting out a furious screech and stomping up the stairs and slamming what they assumed was her bedroom door. Remus let out an audible sigh, leaning into his uncle Roman’s side.

“That was… not really what I pictured, but okay.” Roman chuckled, ruffling his hair. “Regardless of intention, you did good, kid. You feeling alright?”

Remus took a moment to process the question before nodding. “I mean, obviously that sucked ass, but she didn’t scream at me and I said what I needed to say. All of the other emotional shit I’ll be able to deal with eventually.”

“Language,” Patton chided gently.

“English.” Remus and his dad responded in unison, chuckling at each other’s antics until Remus’ smile suddenly dropped.

“Hey, why the long face?” His dad asked, having to crouch down a bit to meet his eyes.

“I… I just realized I can’t just- take you with me. And that really sucks, and it’s very extra not fair that I have to leave but you have to stay here with her,” Remus huffed.

“Well,” his dad started, “I lived with your mother for a long time before we even had you. I think I can handle it if she’s in a bad mood. If it makes you feel better, I can call when you guys get back?”

“I guess,” Remus grumbled into his shoulder as they embraced again. “But, you gotta promise that if she starts fucking with you too that you won’t- put up with it like I did.”

Remus’ dad hesitated. “Well, that depends on how you define ‘messing with me,’ because it might be a bit late for that, bud.”

Patton’s lips twisted in a concerned frown, but before he could even open his mouth to offer what he intended to be a kind suggestion, Ron raised a hand in protest.

“I… believe I know what you’re going to suggest. And, I won’t lie and say I haven’t thought about… leaving, in the past. It… well, Candy and I have been through a lot together, but when it comes down to choosing between her and my son… I don’t know that I could make that decision on a whim. Not today, at any rate.”

“Well, you’re not gonna lose me if you stay here,” Remus decided, “so you’re not choosing between anything. And like… I get it, I know you loved her way before any of the crazy bitch stuff happened, but- why not? What’s… what’s really stopping you?”

Ron sighed. “Well, mostly the emotional attachment, I will admit. Probably shouldn’t be talking to my kid about this, but- divorce is hard. I don’t… I don’t want that to be my first choice without giving her… well, she’s had time to redeem herself, but I think I need to talk with her first. About a lot of things, not just today. Things that… happened between just us.

“But! That’s a horribly depressing thought for another time. Would you boys still like to have dinner together? I can drive ya to the best pizza place in existence.”

“Oh my god, we have to go. I haven’t had Tasta Pizza since November and I am actively losing my life force without it,” Remus replied seriously, his mood immediately boosted by the offer. “You guys down?”

His uncles briefly made eye contact, but it wasn’t even really a question. “As long as I can drive instead, I suppose that can be arranged.”

Remus cheered, nearly dragging his dad out the door, already chattering excitedly about their trip, bemoaning the loss of the supposed best pizza in existence.

Seeing his dad smile, truly smile, as they fought over which slices were bigger was just enough to release the tightness in Remus’ chest, keeping his spirits up even as they drove home without him.