#and felt horrible every time someone found it out and hated the assumptions that come with it and hated correcting everyone

[invisiblyvisiblejay]

lifehack don't get so attached to ur kids names that when they come out as trans and want to change it u get super fucking personally offended about it

[hangovercurse]

Last Night

After another long night of drinking, you wake up with a raging hangover and a tattooed asshole.

Request: “After seeing you hungover I have a request.

From enemies to lovers where Kells and the reader have a drinking competition every time they go out and take it too personal and one day afterwards they share a horrible hangover and wake up in the same bed”

Colson X Reader

Warnings: Drinking, slight sexism, mentions of sex, cursing

A/N: I’m glad my pain could inspire you :(

Word Count: 2133

You and Colson hated each other, with a passion. You couldn’t explain it, it was almost fucking cliché. He had invited your band to open for him on tour, which was great, until he realized that there was a girl in the band; you.

You had dealt with assholes like him for most of your life. People couldn’t understand why your bandmates would want a girl bassist with them, and so said people decided you weren’t good enough before you’d even played anything.

But this was different. Colson knew you were good. You didn’t know why he didn’t like you, but if he was going to be a child about you being on tour, you could stoop to his level a little bit.

And thus began your nightly drinking competitions. It was stupid, really, but you were determined to prove to him that you were more than your gender. So, you made sure to try and drink more than him as often as possible.

It was unspoken competition, but you both knew. Anytime either of you ordered a drink, the other was right behind. Most of the time, he won, as he had much more experience holding his alcohol than you. But every so often you would out drink him, and boy was it a sight to behold.

Tonight though, you were more determined to beat him than ever. You had overheard the boys talking about you at the venue before the show, which piqued your interest.

“What are you guys talking about?” You walked over to them; an eyebrow raised in challenge.

Colson’s face was a bit more red than usual, but you just chalked it up to the heat. “Just about how I totally out drank you last night. And the night before.”

You squinted at him, anger settling over you. “It’s not a competition, but if you wanna brag about being an alcoholic, be my guest.” You sneered, even though you knew it was a competition and he did, in fact, beat you.

Really that’s not what the boys had been talking about at all, but Colson couldn’t admit that they were talking about how much he liked you. He denied the accusations of course, saying that he actually couldn’t stand you, but all the guys argued with him.

He figured he knew his own feelings better than his friends, but he was wrong.

“Fine, then let’s make it one.” He said, pushing you.

You rolled your eyes, “and what would the winner get?”

“I’ll stop making fun of you if you win.” He smirked at you. “But if I win, I get one free crack at you a day and you aren’t allowed to get mad.”

You scoffed, “that’s bullshit, Baker. You already do that. You just want to show off to everyone how much better you are than them.”

“Fine, then what would you wager?”

You thought about it. “If I win, you leave me alone, completely, and you buy my drinks for a week. If you win, I’ll stop complaining about how egotistical you are.”

He nodded, “Buy my drinks for a week and you have yourself a deal.”

 And that’s how the two of you ended up 4 shots and 3 beers deep in a random bar in Colorado. You were stumbling all over the dance floor and each other.

“I really have to win tonight.” Colson mumbled into your ear. You hummed in question, asking him to continue. “I don’t think I can leave you alone.”

You pushed him backwards, but really ended up stumbling backwards. He reached out and grabbed your hips, keeping you upright even though he was just as gone as you. “I don’t know why you’re so mean to me.” You mumbled, a pout on your face. “I didn’t do anything to you.”

He chuckled, pulling you closer to him as the crowd got denser around you. “The guys think it’s because I like you. But I definitely don’t like you like that.”

His words were slurred, but so were yours. “Good. I definitely don’t like you like that either.”

Anyone who overheard your conversation could hear the blatant lies in your voices, and anyone who could see you would see that your feelings were evident as his head leaned closer to yours.

And that’s the last thing you can really remember.

 You woke up in a hotel room, head pounding as your eyes struggled to adjust to the light. You closed them when you realized that they wouldn’t and it was just making your headache more intense. As you came more to your senses you recognized the feeling of an arm around your waist, your bare waist.

Fuck.

You opened your eyes again, looking down to find your naked body underneath the sheets. Did you want to look behind you to the poor guy that you’d have to kick out? Not really. But you did so anyways, only to find the annoyingly familiar mop of bleached blond hair.

FUCK.

You turned your head away from him, burying your face into the pillow. How did you end up naked in bed next to the guy you’ve hated for literal months? Who, by the way, has also hated you.

You wanted to get up, put your clothes on, and escape before he woke up. But the feeling in your stomach told you that that would not work out in your favor.

The grunting next to you also alerted you to this fact. And the fact that your head hurt. A lot.

“Fuck.” Colson mumbled; his voice breathy.

“Shut the fuck up. My head hurts.” You mumbled into the pillow.

Colson moved his arm off of you, rubbing his hands over his face. You both laid there in silence, trying to remember what the hell happened last night. Until there was a knock at the door.

“Kells, get up. We gotta be on the road in 30.”  Baze yelled through the door, and you fought the urge to scream into the pillow. Why were people so loud all the time?

However, you heeded his warning and lifted yourself from the bed, sitting on the edge with your back facing Colson. Your body did not like sitting up, and you had to take a few moments to let your stomach settle before moving again. You scanned the room for your clothes, your head spinning.

You found your shirt and jeans near the door but couldn’t spot your underwear or bra anywhere. “Colson.” You mumbled, the words feeling like cardboard coming out of your mouth. He groaned behind you, alerting you that he was awake “Where’s my underwear?”

“I dunno. I don’t even remember us coming in here.” He groaned again, finally sitting up. He leaned down to the floor, picking up fabric and tossing it to you. “There’s one.”

You sighed and pulled the panties up your legs before moving to throw your shirt over your head, skipping the bra for now. You stumbled as you tried to pull your jeans over your legs, turning to find Colson mimicking your actions.

He had gotten his pants up to his stomach before he stumbled into the bathroom. “Fuck.” He mumbled before vomiting into the toilet. As much as you didn’t want to, you followed him in. You knew if you were this fucked up, you’d want someone to take are of you. Hell, you wanted someone to take care of you right now.

So, you sat down next to him, rubbing his bare back as he threw up into the hotel toilet. Your head began to spin even more as you sat there, so you rested your forehead against the nearest surface, said bare back. Your nose brushed the bottom of the G in his MGK tattoo.

Neither of you said anything, just sitting there in silence. After a few moments, Colson turned his entire body to you. Instead of saying anything or telling you off, he pulled you into his lap, your legs curling up against his stomach. You rested your head in the crook of his neck and closed your eyes.

It felt like the world was spinning around you. “I’m never drinking again.” You mumbled into his skin.

He let out a dry laugh, “do you even remember anything?”

“I remember outdrinking your ass and then I woke up in your fucking hotel room.”

“You did not out drink me, missy.” He mumbled, head falling down to rest his cheek against yours. “I remember you almost fell in the middle of the bar and then everything goes black. But I could make some assumptions about what followed.”

You would’ve rolled your eyes if you had the energy, but you couldn’t even lift your head off his shoulder. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

He shrugged, “do you?”

You shoved him to the best of your abilities while still resting against him. “That’s not an answer, dumbass. Why would drunk you wanna sleep with me?”

“Why does drunk me wanna do anything?” He asked. You mumbled in response and he continued, “do you regret it?”

You shrugged, “think I’d have to remember it to regret it.” He was quiet for a while, and you sighed, “but I don’t think I would’ve even if I could.” You hated to admit it, but you didn’t hate Colson as much as you tried to convince yourself you did. Truthfully, his teasing was both annoying but also the slightest bit attractive.

Colson pulled back from you slowly, a small groan falling from your lips as you had to hold yourself up again. “I thought you would’ve hated waking up next to me.” He mumbled.

“You’re one to talk.” You quipped, lazily.

He gave you a confused face, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

You shrugged, placing a hand on the counter near you to try to lift yourself up but not having the energy. “Just that you hate me. I don’t know why you’d even wanna sleep with me drunk.”

“I don’t hate you, Y/N.”

“You sure don’t seem to like me very much.” You were finally able to pull yourself up just a little bit, but his strong hands pulled you back down to the floor before you were even halfway up.

His hands were settled firmly on your hips, holding you in place, “I never hated you. I was… intimidated, at first.” You let out a dry laugh at his statement. “Seriously, I was. But then I realized that you’re actually really cool. I treated you like shit before that though and I guess you just got it in your head that I didn’t like you so every time I tried to get to know you, you brushed me off. Eventually I just gave up.”

You sighed, “I guess I’m just used to guys thinking I’m less than them, I figured you were the same as everyone else.” You shoved your face back into his chest, the light getting a bit too bright again.

He scoffed, “Seriously? I think you kick ass. That’s why I was so intimidated.”

You groaned into his skin, “I think you’re still drunk.”

He let out another low chuckle, “maybe, but I know what I’m saying.” You looked up at him, your eyes meeting his blue ones. “I’ve actually really liked you for a while now, but after I was an asshole, I knew you’d never go for me.”

You smiled, “Aww, does Kells have a crush on me?” You giggled.

“Shut up,” he mumbled.

You pulled him back towards you, “lucky for you, assholes are just my type.”

He cocked an eyebrow, “really?”

You nodded, “Yep. Blonde, tattooed assholes who rap for a living.”

He smirked at you, leaning closer to you and connecting his lips to yours. You pulled away pretty quickly. “As much as I’d like to kiss you right now, we both just woke up and you were just puking like 2 minutes ago. Brush your teeth and try again.”

He pouted, “yes ma’am.”

“Next time, you wanna try this sober?” You asked slyly.

“I never want to do anything sober, Y/N. But maybe I’ll try it out just for you.”

“Shut up, Baker. You’re such a fucking cheeseball when you’re hungover.”

He hummed in agreement, tightening his grip on you. Your head fell back against his shoulder, eyes closing. You don’t know how, but you ended up falling asleep in his arms. His chin rested on top of your head, and eventually he was lulled into sleep as well.

You didn’t wake up until you heard Baze and Slim’s laughter from behind you and the quiet click of a camera. You groaned, sitting up and wriggling out of Colson’s grasp. He woke up at your movements.

“Looks like you two had a fun night.” Slim laughed.

[dead-welsh-kings]

This may not be the last coming out post, because honestly I may still be figuring myself out. But I’m quite confident it will be.

I’m bisexual.

For quite I while I refused to even entertain the thought of being attracted to men. The pure amount that my own personal trauma, and the need to “NoT Be LIke OTheR GiRls,” made me hate the fact I was attracted to men.

I’m afab, and of course me being attracted to men, was the default. It’s what everyone assumed would happen because heterosexual has been the norm for so long. I had a deep need to prove them wrong.

In 2016 I was the exact stereotype of a lesbian. I had made myself that wag on purpose. I wanted people to see me as that for so long.

It wasn’t until 2019 that I had taken on the label pansexual. And to be clear this is not a post bashing lesbians, pansexuals, bisexuals, or anyone of the lgbtqia+ community, this is just me and my experience with those labels.

Whenever I told someone I was pansexual they would usually say something along the lines of “oh you’re bi.” I cannot describe how offended I would be. I was ashamed of being associated with the bisexual label. My thought process then was that, if I was bi I wasn’t gay enough. I was too much like every other girl, and I wanted so desperately to be different. I hated it when anyone would ever even refer to me as bi, which is valid for people who are not bi and when it has nothing to do with their preconceived ideas of bisexuals. It

Being associated with the label bisexual felt like a death sentence for so long. When I did try once labelling myself as bi in late 2019, I had gotten several comments from family members, classmates, and friends, that would ignore the whole point of bisexuality. Liking more than one gender. I didn’t feel validated or “gay enough” to be in the lgbtqia+ community.

It was the same thing with my asexuality.

My lesbian label is what kept me a valid member of the community.

And right now I know that I was wrong. I was so very wrong.

Bisexuality in itself is such a diverse label and identity. ALL BISEXUALS ARE NOT THE SAME! But even through my many layers of shame and internalized biphobia I still do desperately wanted to say proudly “I am a bisexual!” I reasoned with myself so many times saying,

“I can’t say that. I’m gay. Not bisexual.” No matter how many times I questioned my sexuality I always came back to bisexual. Every single time I would take on a different label, if so just to avoid addressing who I was.

It wasn’t until I had met this guy and had fallen head over heels for him, did I even start considering letting that part of me out.

I researched for days. I felt incredibly shameful. I felt like I was betraying everyone by not being a lesbian anymore. I felt like a fraud.

But after all that I found my people. I had finally felt what it was like to feel comfortable in my sexuality, and who I was. I was no longer feeling horrible for not having either totally “homosexual thoughts,” or totally “heterosexual thoughts.” I had both.

Through accepting myself in the way being bisexual was to me and now is, I had started teaching myself love. I wasn’t limited to one type of love. I wasn’t betraying the people around me. The only one I was betraying was myself.

And honestly I never thought it would even be that hard to say. But it is.

And cheers to all you bisexuals who have to put up with so much shit. Not being gay enough, or too straight. Constantly being shoved into a box, and having assumptions made about you that are not true. And I’m sorry, because I contributed to it, even when I knew that it wasn’t true. I wanted to make myself feel comfortable in a sexuality that wasn’t mine.

But now I’m so happy that I’m able to say.

I am bisexual. And I’m proud. It took a lot for me to actually mean that sentence, but I do.

I am bisexual. And I’m a proud one.

💖💜💙

[bbhyeoliskooks]

❝𝐅𝐢𝐱 𝐘𝐨𝐮.❞

You’ve always been meaning to somehow “fix” Kai... but how can you, when a person from the past takes your place?

𖥻 Pairing: HueningKai x Reader (gender-neutral)

𖥻 Genre: Angst, jealousy, and basically unrequited love served

𖥻 Warnings: Mentions of cheating

More than anything you had ever done in your life, you believed that you were the one who was able to fix Kai- someone who was heartbroken after his ex broke his heart. He had immediately come to you when it happened, saying that his now ex cheated on him while he was busy out buying gifts for them.

At first you weren’t sure how to react yourself. It was absolutely horrible and keep in mind that you felt guilty feeling this way but some part of you was happy. It never occured to you how much you were desperate to have him in your arms until something like this happened- after a long while of bottling up your feelings you knew deep down you had for him. So finally, was this a chance for him to actually look at you instead of the other way? You had to admit; it was the perfect opportunity to claim what you wanted to be ‘yours.’

With that, you came up with the assumption that you would make himself whole again, that you’d be the glue piecing back the shattered pieces of his heart.

After all, many people told you ever since you met them that you had such a healing presence that you found solace in that one false lie. They told you that you were an pure angel after a long time of hiding in the dark. But no matter what you did, no matter what you said, he just wasn’t... fixed.

It drained you how much you wanted to see him happy, probably much more than what he wanted. Nonetheless you kept hopelessly trying again and again, praying for the day that you would see his eyes light up with joy at least once in a while.

Perhaps you worried about him too much for his own good; if it was anyone else’s perspective, they would’ve left a long time ago when they realized that he was a lost cause, drowning in his own misery of unrequited love. Though how could you abandon him when you heard his cries every single night? When you sat through every rant he was just dying to tell someone? The truth was: you couldn’t. You loved him way too much, even if you acknowledged he would never love you that way.

A couple weeks, maybe a month but you weren’t counting. In all honestly, you thought he was getting better. Was it because of you? All those longing smiles when you came over, the sweet words he sent your way if you took care of him, or even how he waited for you too? Your hard work was finally paying off after one month and he was looking much healthier and better than before. Not to mention, you could shoot your shot if ever he said he was ready to date someone again...

How could you have been so much of a fool to believe something so pathetic like that?

It wasn’t until then that the world crashed down upon your shoulders. It was on a normal Tuesday that you were checking up on Kai, a normal Tuesday that shouldn’t have happened in the first place. Something simple like a surprise coming over that had your stomach creating butterflies just because you wanted to see your boy. And then you saw them, holding Kai and sobbing in his chest about how they loved him more than anything in the world, embracing him as hard as they could. You innocently watched his face light up- something you were willing to die for- as he hugged them back, touching their heart and squeezing yours in the process.

Soon enough you left, burying your tears and forcing on a smile when you he told you the exciting news. About how his ex missed him, about how they needed him back in their lives, about how much they seemed to regret it. You hated every second of it and how much he was happy, happier without you. Moments when you were busy tending to him as he was melancholy were times that were wasted- you could only sit there with an aching body as you realized you would never ever be able to be with the love of your life.

Greed and selfishness swallowed your heart up, causing you to be absolutely heartbroken and wasted, but maybe it was better this way. He was happy with them again and you... you were happy for him even if it completely shattered your heart in return.

Released: August 10, 2021 (6:10pm)

Thoughts: just some angst before i take a nap !! I’ve been dying to write something like this for kai but i just never get the time bc of my angel!yeonjun series 😩 however i’ll be sure to write more for this precious bby in the hopes that you’ll enjoy it! This one stung a lot (catch me fantasizing about unrequited love for the nth time this month???) but i hope it wont hurt tooo much. With that being said, thank you sm for reading and i’ll be happy to receive any feedback!

Tags:

[finrad]

Wish I Were Him - Galadriel x Reader

I based this fanfic off of my interpretation of the song Heather because why not. Also this took me so long to write.

Warnings: None

0o0o0

It was a quiet winter night that night. Stars shone softly in the sky as you sat next to the lovely Lady Galadriel with one of her dresses on. You had been really into her for the longest time. But she wasn't aware of this. If only you could tell her how you feel.

"Do you like the dress I gave you?" Galadriel asked, looking at the outfit you were wearing. It looked very nice on you, in your opinion.

"I do!" you answered. "Thank you for letting me wear this."

"There is no need to thank me. You can keep it if you wish. It looks much better on you than on me." Galadriel smiled at you. Her smile was very nice to you. Everything about her was nice to you. She is a very pretty woman, on the inside and the outside.

For the rest of the night, you and Galadriel spoke quietly under the moonlight about the things that interested you. You felt so close to her, and that night would stick to your mind for a very long time.

It had been around a year since that night. You still had the dress in your closet, as it still fit you and it meant so much to you. The dress was still very clean and had some glitter in it. Not much has changed in your life since that day.

Well, not much except for the fact that you suspect that Galadriel had fallen for a man. Celeborn. He was just a perfect guy. He was polite, charming, and quite handsome. There was no way that you could ever compete with him.

So, for now, you had to deal with the fact that Galadriel, the woman you love, will never fall for you. It was so obvious that she liked Celeborn. Painfully obvious. The way she looked at him made it so clear. Galadriel would try to find excuses to be near him.

He's got her mesmerized.

And that really hurt you. The two of you had been friends for a long time. You have been in love with Galadriel for so long as well. It was so unfair. Why did he have to come in? There was no reason to hate him. He was so generous and treated everyone well, but every time you saw him, you would feel a little bit of rage.

What you were feeling was jealousy. There's no way that it is anything else. You wished that you were him. So that she could be in love with you. It's so hard to deal with all of these emotions that flooded in. The heartbreak and envy was horrible.

One night, you went searching for Galadriel and found her with Celeborn. She was holding his hand and smiling with him. You felt something like a stab to your heart when you saw that. They were clearly into each other. It was a harsh truth that you understood.

She would never even want to be with you. Celeborn is much nicer than you are. And she'll only ever see you as a good friend. Especially now that she fell for Celeborn.

Tonight, you laid facedown on your couch while sobbing. So many horrible thoughts crawled through your mind. You could never be Celeborn. He was an angel, and was so... perfect. And you were almost the opposite of that.

You cried and cried for nearly the whole night. It was terrible to cry over a girl, but you were doing it anyways. You really couldn't help but cry that night. Galadriel was quite possibly the love of your life, and seeing her fall in love with another was crushing.

Hopefully nobody was hearing you sob. It might be a little embarrassing to explain to somebody why you were feeling this way. You would most likely get laughed at or constantly teased. So, for now, you are going to hide all of your emotions inside.

This was a horrible idea. But you had no other choice. There's no way that you are gonna risk getting embarrassed. You would be constantly scared of people telling Galadriel how you felt. And she was not the person that you wanted to tell about this. Absolutely not.

The very next morning, you fixed yourself up and decided to get dressed. You opened up your closet and took a look at all of the clothes that you owned. You then saw the dress. The one that was given to you by Galadriel.

It gave you memories to that cold winter night. That night where you were nearly certain that she was in love with you. What a terrible assumption. Just because she gave you one of her dresses does not mean that she loves you like that. It was more of a friendly gesture.

You sighed and grabbed the dress and took it out of the closet. Maybe you should put it on today. It looks beautiful and you really liked it. So you decided to do it. Despite the fact that it once belonged to the woman that you love, but she doesn't love you back.

The way it shone in the daylight reminded you of the way Galadriel's bright hair shone in the sunlight and in the moonlight. Her hair was quite beautiful. And so was the hair of many elves, but hers is the prettiest to you. It is claimed that many have asked for just one strand of her gorgeous hair. You never have, despite the fact that you liked her so much. Though it wasn't because you were afraid to, it was because you found it a little weird to beg for a strand of someone's hair.

However, you did take one of these tiny gems that belongs to and Galadriel. She already knows that you have it, and doesn't mind that you took it in the first place. It was just a little gem after all.

After dressing up, you left your room with a frown. You felt sad now that you reminded yourself about how much you like Galadriel, which reminded you how painful it is to know that she doesn't like you back.

Eventually, you ran into the fair lady, and she quickly noticed that you were wearing her old dress. She smiled and looked at the dress.

"Oh, you're wearing the dress I gave you." she told you. You nodded softly. "I gave it to you about one year ago. And you still look beautiful in that dress." That statement made you blush.

"Thank you." you replied. "I really like this dress."

Galadriel looked down to the floor and then back up at you. "Well, I must get going, I have something very important to tell Celeborn." she told you, before quickly walking away.

Your heart sank. She was going to tell him that she loves him, you just know it. And if Celeborn also loves Galadriel, there will be a worse pain in your heart. You would also have a much more severe feeling of jealousy.

A while after Galadriel had walked away from you, you waited anxiously for her to finish speaking to Celeborn. Soon, Galadriel would come to your door and tell you some news that you would not really like.

Finally, after about a couple of hours, you heard a knock on your door. Your stomach tied into a knot as you went to answer the door. It was definitely Galadriel. You would be very surprised if the first thing she told you was that she and Celeborn are now together. It was very obvious that they were very into each other.

You opened the door, and there she was. Oh goodness, this was not going to be good.

"Good evening." Galadriel began. "I talked to Celeborn, and I would like to take you outside to, um, tell you something."

You gulped, and then nodded. Galadriel then took your hand and lead you outside. The sun was setting and the air was getting cooler. You were glad to be wearing a dress with long sleeves, because it you weren't, you'd be freezing.

At last, Galadriel had found a nice spot for you two to sit on. You sat down and realized that where you two were was familiar to you. Very familiar. And then it hit you.

This was the spot where you and Galadriel sat together about a year ago. The day that she gave you her dress. So many memories flooded into your head.

"So, what are you going to tell me?" you asked.

"Well, I came here to tell you that you mean the entire world to me." Galadriel answered. "You really do. And you have for a while. I've considered you my dearest friend for a long time, and I want to consider you more than just that."

"What do you mean?"

"I love you. I want to be yours. You melt me, as if I were a candle and you were a flame." Galadriel began. Her words made your eyes watery, but not from sadness. From joy. "To be completely honest, you have for so long. It's just that I couldn't tell you out of fear."

"I thought you loved Celeborn." you said. "The way you looked at him made it so obvious."

"I never truly did. He sort of did grab my attention at first, but I was never in love with him." Galadriel told you. "That was because I loved you."

The elf grabbed your hands and leaned in closer to you. Her cool breath was hitting your face. It was quite gentle.

"May I give you a kiss, my love? That is, if you love me back." Galadriel asked.

"Of course, because I love you, too." you answered.

The two of you then kissed gently. As you kissed, you felt so happy. It was incredible to now be kissing the lady that you had been in love with for ages. It really did.

[fatefulfaerie]

Unspoken

Fic-art trade with @kitycatinahipsterhatt. You drew two pictures so here is 2,000 words!

It’s a long set up before what you actually asked for happens but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless!

There was once a time when the princess loathed when the knight chosen by the sword that seals the darkness would accompany her. She would hate the subtle sound of his boots treading behind her, she would begrudge the way his stoic stare would fill her with discomfort, even when she couldn’t see it. 

But, most of all, she detested the sight of the ornate sword strapped to his back, the constant reminder to Zelda that he was perfect, that the champions were perfect, that the kingdom was perfect and when they all looked at her to be the same, they saw only a disappointment.

Zelda had learned since then that the eyes that wore on her, that degraded her and belittled her and objectified her and weaponized her had in fact done the exact same to Link. The only difference is that he internalized it, resorting to a superficial quietude while she externalized it all, taking her frustration and anger out at everyone who didn’t deserve it, including herself.

Once she learned how much in common she actually had with her knight attendant, how wrong she was that they couldn’t be more different, she began to look at their time together much differently. In fact, she had come so far as to absolutely love when the knight chosen by the sword that seals the darkness accompanied her.

Close friends to the princess knew that she had accumulated a great amount of feelings for her companion, and that these feelings became more and more of a romantic nature by each passing day.

She loved his blue gaze and how it had started to soften around her, she loved the sound of his approached footsteps, and she loved every single part of him, even the sword strapped to him, the way he yielded it with such conviction, such purpose, such strength. Although she felt guilty for it and wished he could be free from it, he was strapped to the sword much like she was trapped to the kingdom’s expectations, and she loved that it had brought them together.

However, there were days every once in a while when Zelda had a temporary knight attendant in her company, the King insisting upon Link being given a day off. It always seemed like Link wished to object, and Zelda was starting to believe that the reason why was because he may be in love with her too.

Nonetheless, it was these dull, Link-less days where her heart thumped normally and her excitement was quiet. She spoke little with her temporary knight attendant and her thoughts ran rampant with thoughts of Link.

At the end of this one day in particular, she followed her instincts to the stables, her path lit by the moon’s light. She knew how much Link loved his horse and she knew his restlessness. If given a day off, there was no way he wouldn’t go for a ride.

And, surely enough, he was right where Zelda thought he would be, the princess blushing and smiling adoringly at the sight. 

Link was sitting on the hay-strewn ground with his legs crossed criss cross honey sauce, spoiling his horse with apples as he pet her mane with an endearing smile.

Zelda stepped forward with an unspoken invitation she would later regret detecting, her footsteps making a noise that alerted Link immediately.

His head had popped up and yet he didn’t move in the slightest. His lips parted as he gazed at her transcendent figure, outlined by the light of the moon. She truly was a vision he felt undeserving of, but before he could revel in his love for her any longer, he remembered his protocol.

He quickly hastened to a kneel, bowing his head.

“I apologize, Your Highness,” he said, remaining in his respectful reverence of the royalty before him. “I was not expecting you. Do you have need of my assistance?”

“Not at all,” Zelda replied. “I didn’t mean to surprise you, I just…”

She shrugged her shoulders in what was probably the most elegant way possible, her hands clasped before her and the movement slow.

“I haven’t seen you all day,” she continued. “It was…strange, not having you around I mean.”

“Was my replacement not suitable?”

“Oh, he was,” Zelda responded. “I just—“

Zelda stopped herself, walking forward and placing her hands on Link’s biceps.

“For goodness sake Link, stand up,” she said as she prompted him up to standing, which he complied to. “You don’t have to bow to me,” Zelda said, shaking her head as she rescinded her hands.

“Protocol says otherwise,” Link said with a slight smirk. Zelda put her hands on her hips.

“Well I’m the princess and I say that you are never allowed to kneel to me again,” Zelda said. “And you be sure to remember that.”

“How could I forget an official order from the princess?” Link asked as he picked up the bag of apples from the ground. “But if you don’t mind, I’m pretty sure that not bowing to the King is a punishable offense, so I’ll keep doing that. Apple?”

Link had offered one of the red-colored fruits forward and Zelda giggled and how his mind worked. Another thing she loved. His chaos.

Yet, however flattered she was, she shook her head.

“No thank you,” she said politely. “I don’t like apples.”

Link squinted his eyes, pausing for a moment as he studied Zelda.

“You’re actually serious,” he said. “How is that possible?”

“The kitchens always prepare them baked,” Zelda said. “I never liked the consistency or the taste.”

“That means your kitchens don’t know what they’re doing,” Link said as he put the apple he offered pack in the bag, tying the canvas bag secure. 

“On the contrary,” Zelda said defensively. “They prepare plenty of good meals.”

Link almost laughed.

“Baked apples are a peasant recipe,” he explained. “When people had to make something good out of having almost nothing.” Link offered his hand. “Luckily you’ve run into someone who knows how to do it properly.”

Zelda took Link’s hand slowly, with a daring glint in her green eyes and a pink blush streaking her cheeks.

Link led her to just outside the stables, where a cooking pot sat. Two small stools stood next each other and Link politely guided Zelda to sit on one of them before Link sat next to her. Brushing shoulders, their hearts warmed.

“Your kitchens probably prepare these in those large furnaces,” Link explained as he coated an apple with goat butter, letting the water in the lit cooking pot simmer. “Rookie mistake. It dries out all the flavor.”

Link tossed in the first apple, readying the second.

“Thank you for doing this,” Zelda said, expressing her gratitude, “and on your day off, too.”

Link shook his head.

“I don’t consider spending time with you as work, Your Highness,” Link said. “Your company is frankly a pleasure.” He tossed the second apple in as Zelda considered for the millionth time if her feelings matched his.

She theorized upon it in the comfortable silence that followed, bracing her arms against her thighs.

Link eventually served the hot-buttered apple using a pot lid as a plate. He cut up the first apple and arranged them like a blooming flower around the second, which he put a thick slab on goat butter on that started to melt almost immediately. Zelda was already amused by how carefully he prepared it, but when he took a small white flower that was growing near his feet and used it to decorate the plate, Zelda could think of nothing else but her assumption that he perhaps was in love with her too.

Link offered the plate forward and Zelda found herself enjoying the carefully-prepared apple immensely. In fact, with the both of them sharing the plate, the dish was gone quickly, Zelda’s opinions of apples officially swayed.

“That was marvelous, Link,” Zelda said as she set aside the pot lid, soon thereafter smiling naturally at Link, whose gaze was as warm and soft as hers. “I’d thank you again if I didn’t already know you would humbly try and reject my gratitude.”

“It really was no trouble, Your Highness,” Link said. “I would do anything for you, even on my days off.”

Zelda studied him with scanning eyes, trying to figure out as he stared at her whether or not the coloration of his cheeks was from the heat of the fire or from an infatuation with her.

Her Highness felt an impulse overcome her and, with a courage she would later regret, she aimed her lips for his. 

Yet, Link immediately backed away from the threat of her kiss, going to far as to scramble to standing up to get away from the possibility, panting away his anxiety.

Zelda was completely embarrassed and overwhelmingly saddened that the prospect of her kiss was so abhorrent. Little did she know that Link was preparing himself to spout probably the biggest lie of his life.

“I’m sorry, I…” Link stammered, shaking his head. “I…I don’t feel that way, I apologize if I led you to believe that I—“

“No,” Zelda interrupted loudly, standing up as well. Her embarrassment eroding within her and making her feel sick. “No, it…it was my error. Please think nothing of it. That’s an order.”

Link knew he wouldn’t be able to follow that one. His regret ached within him and his blue eyes melted with concern for the girl whose heart he just broke, he inhaled to correct his lie with a step forward, yet Zelda interrupted again.

“I should go,” she said, backing away. “I…I’m sorry, really, I…I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Link reached for her as she ran back to the castle, deciding against calling after her as he closed his eyes shut with a heavy sigh.

He sat on one of the stools, burying his face in his hands. The fire beneath the pot lid crackled chaotically like the regret in his heart.

——————————————————————————————————

Zelda couldn’t sleep, her embarrassment and her guilt keeping her up. Her mind endlessly thought of more and more apologies she owed for her childish and frivolous impulsiveness and pretty soon, she found herself heading to his chambers to voice them. Despite her heartbreak, she felt horribly guilty for his discomfort.

Being the knight attendant to the princess, his quarters were rather close. Zelda walked down the hallway of her own quarters in her white nightgown, about the make a left turn to where his quarters where before a voice stopped her at the corner.

“I panicked, okay?” she heard Link say. Zelda immediately glued herself to the wall, listening and yet out of sight. “It happened so fast. I wasn’t expecting her to do that. My instincts pulled me away, and it’s probably for the best.”

“You would rather break her heart than anger the King?” Another voice asked, likely another knight. “That’s some pretty big commitment to your job. I thought you said you loved her.” Zelda eyes widened. “Not two days ago you said—”

“I know what I said,” Link interrupted, “and I do love her. It hurt so much to break her heart, but I…I just…I mean look at it this way. Some rumor gets out that we are having an affair and even if we’re not everything falls apart. I may even be decommissioned and…and I wouldn’t be able to protect her anymore. Acting on our feelings just increases our chances of that. We have to focus on the calamity. Besides, the kingdom already sees her as a failure. I can’t add to that.”

“You say that now but you two are not going to last that long without banging it out, I can tell.”

Link’s face went red immediately, and so did Zelda’s.

Link’s fellow knight chuckled.

“You said yourself that she is the love of your life,” the knight continued. “Jokes aside, I know you won’t be able to hide that. Your duty to the King and to the sword is important and I get that. It’s important to me too. But there are things that are more important, and I think you already know that.”

There was a bout of silence, Zelda waiting for more words to hang her hopes on, to swell her heart and to color her cheeks as they already had.

“No matter what happens, keeping it in is going to hurt you two more than anything,” the knight continued. “But hey, what do I know?”

“More than me, somehow.”

The knight gave small laugh.

“Get some rest, Link,” the knight said. “And don’t worry about this too much. Love is a blessing. Treat it like a curse and that’s all it will be.”

And with that, Zelda heard footsteps, the knight obviously leaving Link to his thoughts and ruminations. Zelda held her breath as the knight turned the corner, keeping quiet and still as she pressed against the wall. Luckily, it worked, a knight in silver armor passing her without so much as a glance. Zelda attributed it to the helmet, that offered very little peripheral vision. If the knight did see her, he would have followed protocol and bowed to his princess.

Zelda, relaxed by the knight being out of sight, was still resolved to see Link. Thinking she would converse with him where he was still standing by his door, she turned the corner without looking. Haphazardly, she ran right into the blue-eyed knight that was coming to speak with her in her chambers.

They winced in pain and complaint and annoyance before looking up and seeing the other, eyes changing immediately to emotions of an arresting and paralyzing realization, that Zelda was within earshot of that conversation and that Link now knew that. They panted heavily in anticipation as their eyes changed again, to a connection of unabashed love.

Link and Zelda both surged into each other, securing their lips into a deep kiss that came straight from their hearts, and thus had endless fuel. Zelda hands were entrenched in his hair and, as they continued, her fingers had pulled off completely the band that secured his ponytail. Link had one hand on her cheek and the other around her waist, holding her in such a way that it was apparent he never wanted to let go.

He spun her around amidst the kiss, slowly peeling his lips from hers as he set her back down. They opened their eyes to each other and smiled and the wordless, mutual acceptance of their love. 

Later that night, Zelda went to sleep soundly with Link’s kiss goodnight still faint on her lips.

[rosyk]

Deja vu

pairing: bang chan x reader, (a bit of han jisung x reader)

genre: heavy angst, passion, romance, one-sided love, bestfriends, long distance relationship

warnings: light curses, death, depression, mentions of alcohol and drugs, family problems, mentions of forced sexual activity, insecurities, anxiety, etc. (Its quite detailed in the first part and could trigger some people in these type and if you are one of them, I advice you not to read. It can really be uncomfortable on the first part)

word count: 11.5k

inspiration: Before We Knew It ch. 36-38 (webtoon), White Flowers- Olivia Rodrigo (unreleased song)

a/n: This is the least fic I loved but I had to continue it to start a new one and i won’t ever write things as long as this (it’s hard) lol. I don’t know who’ll ever read this long and cringey story but I hope it’s worth your time (?)

1

  If I were to describe a man I’d love to marry someday, it would be someone tall, doesn’t openly show their true feelings towards me, and leads me in life. However, you were the exact opposite of it.

I didn’t even know when and why I fell in love with you. Was it at first sight? No. Was it because someone told me about my indistinguishable feelings for you? No. It was like how love was portrayed in novels and books. I just knew it. Instead of leading my life, you made me, myself, want to lead and search for my future. After you happily talked about your passion for music, you made me feel as if you were the right one. It made me think, “Maybe I do want to be with him until the end of life”. I believe something great would occur and I want to be there when that happens. When the music he produces, raps he created, genres he invented, and when his voice reaches the world, I want to be on his side and be proud I was able to witness all of that. You were everything in times I was the “nothing”.

I truly wished to be a singer right from the start. My dream was unaccepted by my family because the job isn’t as stable as it seems. I had to study medicine since then. Therefore seeing you was like seeing how I could’ve been. I stopped my passion but you made me pursue the unpursued, break off the imaginary limits I had created in my mind. I developed a fear of having to try again. I never sang after years and tried to let go of my past. But you? You lifted me away from the cage of darkness I trapped myself in. My anxiety was too deep to the point I was afraid of people, nightmares, thoughts, happiness, living, being alone, home, and simply just everything.

Even I was scared of myself.

  Then I knew this is the worst a person could be. It isn’t when someone takes drugs, drinks alcohol, or flees away from home. It is when he or she no longer wants to take a step forward. I was frightened by the idea of love but also the idea of being alone. I was terrified to open up when the people closest to me never understood but was scared when I keep everything to myself too much up until I’m tired. I feared death the most, how much more if I was living? I remember cutting myself in bed when I overheard my parents fighting because of my presence. I was shaking, desperately trying to suppress my weeping. Was I sad because I didn’t have good childhood memories I could reminisce? Or was I happy for myself because that was the bravest thing I did? I was too young to understand what I truly felt but I didn’t regret a single thing.

I know the difference between wrong and right but why can’t I tell when it comes to situations that involve me? Is it wrong to think it would’ve been best if I was sleeping forever, in a depth of endless time even though I know I should live for a purpose I couldn’t find or for people who don’t care? But is it also right to live and hope miserably someone out there would find and help me even though it means staying and coping with the pain? Whenever I make a decision, I could hear trapped voices rambling in my head, time ticking as fast as my heartbeat, my soul pressuring me, and my mind that creates negative scenarios which cause me to step back before even having the chance to run. In general, I’ve had to overthink my overthinking.

I also have the habit of blaming myself. As deeper as it goes, it became my lifestyle then. I blamed myself for playing the victim as if I was the only one hurting amidst the world. I blamed myself for crying when I had no right because I gave people terrible occurrences.  I blamed myself for the inability to be brave and commit what I feared the most. I also blamed myself for silently not crying loud enough to the point that my facade turned out stronger.

Looking back, I was a total mess in which I couldn’t even call myself human. My only best friends were the mirror and my own shadow. I was 10 so I appreciated how the mirror felt the same feelings as mine. It doesn’t laugh when I cry even though the creatures surrounding me do. But for the same reason, I hated it. It reflects my despair, how horrible I looked causing me to despise it the most. My shadow on the other hand makes me feel I’m not alone at the end of the day. But I also despised it the moment my mom locked me up in my room, isolating me in darkness to forget all the traumas I had given her. Because even the shadow disappears in my darkest hours. And just like friends, it all just ended. I no longer want to feel love if love was meant to hurt.

  Years of living in hell passed by, until you came.

“You okay?”

  I was crying at the staircase in the nearest tunnel found at school. I was a 16-year-old who tried to break away from my dad’s drunken behavior. Running away was another brave thing I did but it was because the thought of him doing me was scary enough.

It was embarrassing to let you see me like this but surprise was the first reaction I had. No one ever dared to approach me because of my low status and the suspicious silence that I give. Questions filled my head as to why you bothered talking to me. Were the rumors unbelievable enough?

“I am new here but I haven’t seen you a lot in school. Are you the same as I am?”

So he’s a transferee. Honestly speaking, I was discouraged. It’s clear that he would slowly stop approaching me as soon as he knew the rumors. You introduced yourself and asked for my name. I gave you a silent treatment causing you to face my direction. We stared at each other for minutes. You finally gave up and sat beside me as I turned my gaze back at the people playing in the park, sighing heavily.

“Would you like to hear my life?” You look at me, expecting something. I turned back at you, both eyebrows raised. You showed your smile, with those little cute dimples on each side to get away from the awkward atmosphere. Trust me when I tell you that was the brightest thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life. Maybe you did show me the colors I didn’t know I needed in my life.

“Oh… I guess you don’t then? I mean why would you be interested right?” You laughed yourself off but as usual, expected some remarks from me. My eyes panicked as I shook my head quickly from side to side. My eyebrows creased as I bit my lip, hoping you understood what I meant.

“So you do want to hear it?” I shook my head up and down as an approval of your question. Unnoticeably, it was the first time I felt eager especially when it comes to humans.

“Isn’t it annoying though?” I got the hint you wanted to tease me considering your giggles but I was too caught up in assumptions that you wouldn’t continue your storytelling. Thus, I did the same thing, turning my head from side to side, trying to convince you that I desperately want to know what happens in the lives of some.

“Cute” you mumbled to yourself but I was able to hear the word that came out from you. You patted my head casually as you started to talk about your life. I grew slightly embarrassed, curling myself, holding my knees, and acted as if I didn’t hear anything.

You were transparently open in talking to the point that I finally knew what “precious” actually meant. Although it was for a moment I knew it would stop soon, you definitely saved me from all I felt.

There I knew how our lives were exact opposites. If I felt everything, the happiness, and sadness, contrasting feelings I couldn’t comprehend, you on the other hand felt nothing. As soon as your dearest brother got into an accident, you didn’t know what to do. If I had abusive and malicious parents, you had no one to be with. I couldn’t even imagine what would happen If I lived your life.

I knew I was bad for thinking of such a way but I took advantage of your life. It made me feel relieved that there were people who faced the worst monsters than I have inside me. It made me look at the positive side of mines.

Much especially when I didn’t expect it would be you. My first impression of you was this carefree pure guy who had no problems in living his life. Little did I know, you were waking up feeling nothing, smiling with no joy, cries without letting out the pain, and laughs despite the numbness and burden that weighs in your heart. I guess we can’t judge people by the way they appear. We never know how much tears they’ve shed every night.

You summarized and wrapped things up. You asked for my name one last time before leaving. But there I was, hung my head low and sniffles could be heard. You looked in confusion as I tried to cover my face. A surprise was evident in your reaction and it was obvious due to your stuttering. You tried to ask what happened but instead hugged me unconsciously.

That was the first time I’ve ever felt warmth. I was born a mistake so even my parents couldn’t give me this kind of comfort. I cried worse as I had thought of it. The idea of a stranger giving me a better meaning of how home felt like than a family does, who wouldn’t tear up after that?

I don’t want to be ahead of time. But hope filled my mind. Maybe I could find more people like him. Maybe someone out there could notice my emotions. Maybe someone could act as my light. Maybe someone does care about my wellbeing. Out of a huge percentage of people living on Earth, there should be one who could at least meet and save me right? I know I settled in all “maybes” but it was much better than having none.

2

  Recalling the series of events, I was a total problem. Yet you were always there for me no matter how heavy of a burden I am. You were the one who believed in me when I couldn’t, picked me up when I was drowning in a wave of traumas and worries, and lightened my deep void. You were my first and swore you’ll be my last, who broke my past and created my unknown beginning. I hated risks but whenever you are involved, I for sure know it is worth it no matter how many needles it may pain me. It had been years before noticing how much you mean to me I may be late, but would never get tired of this. I will listen and enjoy our memories until the end. You will, for eternal love, be my last song in my only playlist.

Although it’s true we never believed in love since the beginning. But all we do know is that we’d like to spend our whole lives together. It’s as if we were bound by the heavens to meet and help one another. With all that’s happening, I would like to assume that this is love people were talking about. Who knew it could be this powerful to change someone?

  [CHAN’S POV]

  And what happened to the “messy innocent girl who was stained by reality?” She became an unrecognizable teen, as pure as ever. In the past, I wasn’t able to feel the emotions most do but look at me now, smiling every time I see you do. Even though I’ve never felt heavy feelings, these light ones are taking a toll on me whenever you call my name.

We had arguments but never had any misunderstandings. This is all because no matter what I say, you are always by my side. I could tell you day by day how much you mean the world to me, my downfalls, and everything unnecessary but you’d still listen to it with no regrets.

Right now, we’re meeting up for a “little date” as you mentioned. I was going to decline because there had been many requirements in class but you seemed too interested that I didn’t want to break it to you.

I was wearing my usual hoodie sweater with baggy pants and ordered for both of us. After all, you would always choose chocolate whipped shakes over anything. You seemed to take too long so I decided to work on some demands given. I turned on my laptop and opened the application as I placed the headphones on my ear, silencing the noise in my surroundings.

Now all I can hear is my heartbeat pounding and swallowing as my throat started to dry. The loading symbol appeared on my screen and I hoped it would stay like that forever. I hoped it would crash and tried to find more excuses for me not to use it.

I was consistently looking at the time shown on the panel below the main screen. The blue circular sign still turns and turns as I see it from my peripheral vision. 3:31, 3:32, 3:33, the minutes kept moving and hands that are now shaking because I assumed this would be the worst nightmare that could happen. But no, cause “worst nightmare” is an understatement when we are referring to this. It would’ve been better as a nightmare because I could wake up from this traumatic moment. I was focused on my screen that I hadn’t noticed the calling in my front.

“Channie?... Chris?.... Christopher?... Mr.Bang Chan?.. Chan!”

  [Y/N’S POV]

  He finally noticed me as soon as I tapped on his shoulders. He flinched and looked at me in horror. It creeped me out but it took seconds before he could pull his eyes away from mine. He bit his lips and I noticed him covering his hands. The staff called out a number which I believe was from our table considering the way he closed his laptop.

“I’m getting that” You forced a little smile as you made way to the counter

I smiled at the thought of our “date” but seeing you sweating and nervously fidgeting your fingers to avoid them from shaking bothers me. Did something happen before you came? Why was he that nervous? Thoughts bombarded my mind, but you coming back with my favorite drink and snacks, looking all-smiley, tells me as if you noticed my discomfort so you tried cheering me up. You sat down in front of me and got rid of your problems. As usual, this guy notices even the littlest gestures I make.

“Did you wait too long?” I asked you with enthusiasm because our little date has now started. The idea non-stop makes my whole day

“No, I just arrived before you did.” You respond with a genuine smile despite the clear lie you just gave. You stroked my hair as you looked at me lovingly

“Oh, I just passed by that bakery we talked about a year ago…..” I started chatting about our fond memories that remain vivid in my head.

It took several hours of talking and enjoying our time together. We also watched that Philippine movie starring two exes who broke up and lived in one house, but being an emotional wreck, it took 30 mins of you trying to comfort me as I cry ugly. Of course, you didn’t miss an opportunity to laugh at me and even took a video. Teasing me and showing my picture as your wallpaper, made me playfully angry.

We also enjoyed visiting the same tunnel where we met. The nostalgia is present. The moon is shining and I can’t help but smile looking at you.

  [CHANS POV]

  You look beautiful under the moon if I must say. I wanted to show the magnificent view because it reminds me of you whenever I see it up above. You were my only light when my days in the past were too dark.

We continued strolling around, counting the streetlights that passed by and talked about a lot of things. Until you decided to speak up-

“About…. the thing that happened earlier?” You looked up to me, but your eyes soon started moving away from mines. You were held on with the anxiety of trying to speak up whenever it had come to my personal life. I don’t know whether it was the trauma you’ve stumbled upon when you asked about my father or it’s just due to your manners. Nonetheless, if it was indeed your trauma, I’ve felt guilty about it and wanted to reassure you I won’t hurt you ever again. “But if you don’t want to talk about it-“ I cut your sentence off.

“My father was a musician..” your eyes shined with glee in my response

“That’s cool!” You exclaimed but it soon faded into a frown after hearing me sigh. Tilting your head, you tried to calculate everything that’s wrong with it. I nervously fidgeted with my hands and knuckles, contemplating a decision that could change and even affect both of us.

“Everything’s wrong... He was into it, music took his mindset and life” I faced my head sideways and gulped without looking at your eye. The trauma, I’m finally telling my pent-up feelings after a lifetime keeping it to myself.

“He was so into composing music and started to forget about the reason he had started to do it. And by that-“ you cut off my sentence and started to nod a few times, pressing your lips together. You pointed your shaky finger at me and spoke softly.

“I think I know where this is going.” You looked at me in disbelief but all I could do is look at you with concern and guilt, asking for forgiveness. “Is this why you didn’t want to love again even after all these years?” Your eyes that shined stars a moment ago, turned into sun at night. It wasn’t raging darkness, but plain agony.

“Can you blame me? I know I love music, I’ve told you that on repeat for years. Is love what I need when that was the cause of everything?”

You didn’t take one glance at me and started walking faster. You were trying to leave me behind but I was quick to grab your hand.

“Please, let’s not act like this. It’s starting to get..” I was trying to think of a less harsh word because things get complicated day by day. And here I thought this date would be an exception. “Childish. Okay? I don’t get why you’re so out of place and it’s like-“

“So now I’m the one getting childish here?” You turned around and faced me, finally. Though it wasn’t any relieving as I expected. You were having tears stuck in your eyes, ready to fall at anytime yet you don’t want to cry in front of me. Are we going to keep this up? I was about to talk but no words came out of me. Until you decided to continue your sentence.

“You knew about this all the time, right? You knew how I was starting to fall for you and yet you continued our relationship without feeling love?” You bit your lips as your eyebrows creased. Trying to push me away, but all I could do was hold you tighter. “I know how trauma feels like. I’ve been there, we’ve been there. But you could’ve told me sooner at least so I’m not the only one looking like a whole fucking fool here, Christopher.” You tried to get away from my hold and yes, you did. Though as I tried to grab your hand once again, you took a step backward and placed your hands up in the air as a sign of surrender. “Call me sensitive but for God’s sake! How could you get me all wrapped up in your finger for the past years and call it something that isn’t attachment nor love? What was I to you then?” It took seconds for me to get the gist of what you’re trying to say and I did understand but I couldn’t answer that simple question.

Because now that I think of it, was I awful to hesitate who you were in my life? Was those years nothing for me then? I want to protect you until the end and I wanted to see you happy but I’m pretty sure I felt this for some of my friends as well. Did I just get into a relationship whilst thinking of my significant other as a friend? Is it called using someone? Taking advantage to make my life better? I know what’s right and what’s wrong. But I don’t know which is which. Getting into a relationship is a risky choice and I don’t want to hurt anybody in between. Because I know that’s what’s wrong. Using others for my need of affection and love is wrong as well. But is this exactly what I’m doing? I don’t know...As things grow, it just gets complicated to the point that I couldn’t even comprehend situations.

“I thought so” you continued, and those words crushed my heart. I didn’t notice the time we’ve been arguing, though technically it’s just you who was able to speak, that we’ve already reached your house. You opened the tiny gate in front of your house and I know what’s going to happen sooner later.

“Maybe, you need time to think about it alright? I don’t think I can keep up with a relationship like this if it’s too one-sided. But don’t worry I’ll wait. Even though what I want may not come,” you chuckled but the sigh was still evident. “I’ll wait for you.” You smiled, but it isn’t the one you’ve always shown me. I was the reason for your happiness but also the reason for your pain. How tragic must have been that sound.

You went your way to the door and closed it. I knew you were crying as I heard little sniffles but never looked my way. Closing the door, that was the last time I had ever seen you. With no goodbye kisses and hugs, you left feeling the ache you didn’t deserve.

3

[YOUR POV]

  It was supposed to be “taking a break”, but considering this, I should’ve accepted it as a break-up. You never took time texting me after the whole 4 months. I guess I was no one in your life. But even though I was still hurt, I regretted spatting out things as if it was your fault. You always get guilty over things and I know it was all just because you had a hard time reciprocating your feelings because of the lack of love you’ve felt. I should’ve understood that part but being the sensitive me, I was unmindful. I’ve also never seen you walk past the corridors nowadays, so it’s basically been also the same 4 months of actually not seeing you as well. You really bothered trying to get out of my life.

I groaned as I sat up in the bed. It was around 8:30 and I’m like 1 hour and 30 mins late? Not that I’m bothered by it since I’ve gotten used to it. It’s not like our teacher is there by the time I arrive.

  -SCHOOL-

  “Outside, now” was the first and last thing I’ve heard as I entered my classroom. And here I thought the teacher wasn’t present. Not only did I embarrass myself in front of my classmates, but I’d also have to stand holding a chair, outside the classroom for lower and higher-ups students to see. Awful, and my reputation is broken. Well, not that I had any significant reputation in the first place but come on, you know how hard it was to see students bickering while looking at you.

I heard the door click open and I hoped it was the teacher who finally would let me in. It turned out to be another classmate of mines which I thought was unnecessary. But as I looked back up and noticed his eyes, a sense of familiarity came unto me.

“Han?” My eyes widened at the sight in front of me. I’m not expecting people to be perfect but our class president was the last person I expected to be scolded by our teacher. “Weren’t you inside the classroom way before me?”

“I cursed.” The guy spoke shortly and lifted the chair just like the same punishment I’ve been doing. I blinked my eyes twice but understood nothing.

“Pardon?” I replied in a high tone as if I was questioning what he was trying to say. Cursed? Is he out of his mind, trying to curse in front of the teacher? Besides, he had always been this quiet kid, but girls still tend to simp over. The latter though is out of my knowledge.

“What did you say?” I leaned in as you jolted quite a bit. Reacting to the sudden flinch, I assumed it was bold of me to do so and it scared you. But looking straight at you, pink tints were found on the side of the cheeks. It was light and definitely cute.

“F-fuck” he faced me with eyebrows creased and hesitated in replying. It was so short and awkward whenever he’d say it or maybe it’s also due to his stuttering. The thought was so out of the place and even I, who is quite free doesn’t curse in front of the teacher for no reason so why would someone who tries to stay low, would curse? But the way you told me the “forbidden” word made me laugh out loud.

“You’re funny, Mr. class president” I replied after a silent 2 minutes and laughed while hitting him lightly. Little amounts of liquids were falling down my deep brown eyes as I tried to regain my breathing. He’s awkward and that’s what makes it funny. I like him.

I wiped off my tears and stared at you. My laughs slowly died down after seeing your confusing expression. I don’t know whether your eyes held a safe haven or a place I was indulged in and forgot about the point that everything was complicated in between. Whether staring at you was comfortable or confusing. All I know is that I was distracted by the genuine smile you gave. It was little but I knew it was a smile after seeing cute dimples on the side of your lips. Now that I think of it, I haven’t ever seen the president smile.

You noticed my pause and coughed, trying to clear out the tension. The usual demeanor was back. Was everything just an illusion then?

“Anyways, I don’t know about you but I’m gonna have to go. Don’t want stay here standing when time’s already up” you lazily said as you pressed your lips together, leaving me speechless all alone. Raising your hand, you waved back at me while walking away and didn’t even take time to look back.

That was weird. Or was I the only one weird? True, I’ve never seen him around that much but I’ve painted the guy as someone responsible considering the works he finished even after given such a small time. He was indeed open-minded but wasn’t out-spoken or friendly. Work is work and he has to make sure he aces his tests for his reputation to not tarnish even one bit, that’s all that matters to him. He was never used to smiling so he doesn’t do it as much, at least that’s what I’ve heard. I’m guessing it must be my imagination.

  /LUNCHTIME/

  Guess what? It’s already lunchtime and I haven’t learned a single bit of information from my teacher’s discussion. Shrugging all my homework, projects, quizzes, oral recitations, and performances that are all due this afternoon, I walked out of the classroom.

But before I did so, I found a familiar guy in my peripheral vision. Trying to confirm whether it was him, I turned and called his name out.

“Mr. president?”

The same awkward and serious guy turned around, raising his right brow. You were confused at first about who would call you with no respect, but hummed in surprise as a response.

“It’s Han for you... and for everyone” trying to continue the work you’ve been doing for our school camp which is totally several months later. What’s the rush?

“Drop the formalities! Besides, I like Mr. president way better.” I smiled and tilted my head then flipped my hair. I was a whole smug for thinking my naming sense was the best thing about me.

“Like, like?”

The same vibe always comes up whenever I’m talking to you and I don’t know why. How is it so hard to interact with smart ones? I feel like their language is different and I couldn’t even comprehend what this guy is trying to say.

“like?”

“You like mr. president. That’s what you said”

And that’s how it struck me. Looking back on everything, it seems pretty weird. (I like Mr. President way better) rings all throughout my head. I know he’s been surrounded by girls who have a crush on him but surely he doesn’t think of this as a low-key confession, right?

Please, I didn’t deserve any of this awkward tension. I did walk up to him first but blame my curiosity for wondering what he’s doing in his free time, does he always go to the library whenever, or what do the lifestyle elites like him actually have? Maybe, I did just want a friend but who knew it would be this complicated. Wrong choice.

“The names you provide for people are so dull” you faked a yawn to show how uninterested you are.

I laughed out and tried to hide the embarrassment I’ve felt inside. He meant the name of course! What was I thinking? He quickly got up and proceeded to leave the classroom as if he understood what I wanted to do. He catches up with things fast if I must say. But the feeling didn’t subside in me and I tried to cover up my face with my hands as soon as he left. Heaving a deep sigh, I reassured myself and followed him.

  -CAFETERIA-

  “This is all they’ve got?”

It’s been a second we’ve entered the school cafeteria and yet this elite beside me was already complaining. We sat down on the white benches and I was also relieved the cafeteria doesn’t have many students since our class ended earlier than the desired time.

“You’ll get used to it. Besides, what do you commonly eat for lunch? This is good.” I replied and waited for a response that never came back. I’m thinking it was a wall I’m talking to. You ate the soup and showed a face of disgust. Of course, I don’t give up.

“Do you have different cafeterias?” “Or do you eat in your respective rooms?” “Do you actually eat? cause you looked really busy with the requirements.” “Being a class president is that hard huh? I don’t think I’ve seen anyone as hard-working as you even if they have high titles.” “You know if I was the class-“

“Why do you ask so many questions? Geez” you swept your hair and sighed. You felt tired talking to someone as chatty as me but all I could do is playfully pout and raise both my eyebrows up. Shrugging, I respond.

“Why not?”

You glared at me but I wasn’t taken aback by it so you decided to reply, finally. “The real question is, why?” you tried to peacefully eat and finished it quickly so you could go to the library, I suppose. It was going smoothly until my small brain with low grammar or structure skills decided to pop up the least moment I wanted it to.

  “Because I’m interested in you.”

  Choking was all I could hear after I simply stated. Panicking, I gave you my water unknowingly and you drank it. I patted your back and stroked it gently.

“You okay?” I tried to calm you down but your face seemed to ask me whether you were okay even after everything was obvious.

“You mean you’d like to know about my lifestyle?” You analyzed my reaction as I tilted my head. I mean isn’t that clear? Your eyes seemed like you got the hang of me again and scoffed, rolling your eyes. Wow! Now, what’s up with this attitude?

“It’s common. Just some random New York steak.” My eyes widened and my ears couldn’t believe what they’re hearing. That’s common? Gosh, even my monthly allowance couldn’t afford to buy a whole steak, what more if it was specifically in New York? And the way he didn’t bother to flex about his lunchtime food and acts as if it’s unimportant.

“Enough about me, how about you?” I believe you were trying to ask for the sake of the conversation but it excites me anyway. I mean, an elite asking me about my life? It boosts my pride, internally laughing as I thought of the idea.

“What do you want to know about me?” Grinning, I eagerly waited for the question. How blessed I am to have an upper-class student to not just interact, but ask about me as well.

“What happened between you and Bang Chan?”

I’m taking it all back. I don’t want to hear any questions. I was wrong. By Bang Chan, I knew straight away he was referring to Chris. The mentioned ex became an elite, or so I heard. I don’t know how, why, or when but that’s the only reason possible for him to know there was a thing between us. But unlike me, Mr. President wants to make sure of everything and not just the rumors he had heard.

“No.” I simply stated and continued to eat.

“Why not?”

“I should be the one asking you why”

“Because I’m interested in you”

I paused and was slightly surprised by the sudden declaration. Okay, my way of telling him made me look crazy. I looked up to him and saw a pair of teasing eyes. This is who mr. president is? Now it was my time to roll my eyes and I knew at that moment I had no escape.

“Exes. We’re exes.” I expected a startled expression from you but your lips curled downwards as if you expected it. How was it hard to read this guy’s mind though he immediately catches up on everything I’m feeling?

Days passed by and as usual, I was the one annoying you. At that very time, we became close because I knew you were a comfortable place for me to be in. You don’t judge unlike what others do each time I open up my problems especially when it comes to my relationship with an elite and Christopher, out of all. For sure, you were the right choice of friend I never knew I needed to rely on.

4

[YOUR JOURNAL]

  Just a few days passed by and I hear lots of students whispering. What’s the occasion? I don’t even know myself yet I’ve brought a ring that matches mine. I’m naive but I always trust my instincts no matter what. As I try to recall the date and puts everything together in one piece from all the clues I’ve gotten.

A familiar man appeared in my sight. But he wasn’t mr. president. He was looking at me and I continued to look at those deep brown eyes I’ve longed to see after a long time. Was I prepared? No. Did I want to see him? I’m not sure so myself. But did I actually like that view? Indeed. My very first heartbreak or hiatus came back after months and to see he felt the same way I did. Did the moment I waited for all of my life would finally happen?

Each step you take, the more my anxiety rushes through me. I felt the shivers either because I was scared or it was the tears I’ve forced to stop from rolling down my cheeks. Or simply both, ignoring the fact that I was hurt yet I did want to see you after all. I wanted to walk away, but if I did then I’m making the same mistake twice. Therefore I stood still silent and only my heartbeat is the loudest out of all.

Closing my eyes, I expected strong grips around my wrist which marks it deep red because anger was the only thing present in the space between us. I didn’t take consideration of the things you’ve gone through but instead became selfish just because I’ve moved on from the past. I did tell you I would wait for you forever but all I gave you was the pressure of making you choose decisions at times you were having a hard time. Just because you made me learn the definition of love, doesn’t mean I could anticipate that you felt the same thing.

Quite on the contrary, I’ve felt warmth and comfort. The grip was truly strong, strong enough to hurt me emotionally and not physically unlike what I expected. The grip I’ve felt was hanging around me, a hug was given to me even when I didn’t deserve this.

“I’m sorry” that was what I’ve heard in the muffled and low volume of voice the man had spoken because he was on the verge of tears. I was supposed to be the one asking for an apology, yet this guy took it to heart once again. Typical Christopher.

“I missed you. I’ve realized I can’t do things without you. It’s been hard..” Your sentence cut the uncertainty I’ve felt. It came, he came. I cried my heart out after not breathing for a second. It would finally work out, after months of trying to ask for support from other people, you entered my life once again. And better? You loved me.

It was your graduation, and I’m glad to be there just like what we dreamed it to be. You may have left, but our romance never stopped.

Cliché right? Of course, that never happens in reality. What happens, is the point that we argue every day because of the long-distance relationship that serves as an obstacle in us. We don’t even know whose mistake it is but considering you, you’ve always been the one who let your pride down and ask for forgiveness. There are times it’s also been me because I realized that this guy doesn’t deserve more burdens in his life. Support is everything I could give.

“Everything working out?” I was astounded by the call Hanji decided to initiate first. He’s always been there for me when I had it rough. He cares for me though he doesn’t show it as much.

“I don’t know. I’ve rarely been receiving texts but he made sure to call me anytime soon. We’ve both been fighting against this. Thanks by the way” You sighed after I finished my sentence. I hoped my exhaustion wasn’t able to reach you but you knew straight away.

“What do you see in him? He is talented and ideal but do you think you both match up?“

It was good he called but hitting it directly at me and doubts our relationship? That’s what triggered and ticked me off. “I told you not to talk about this.” I firmly uttered.

“He doesn’t get the way you act, talk or even feel”

“I’m sorry? What do you mean by that?” It’s rare to see us quarrel because you didn’t want to reach that point and yet it’s you trying to get all complicated once again. Here I thought I got the hang of how you think. “He understands me more than anyone.”

“If he does then why didn’t he call by then?”

“He was busy. I repeated that to you more than thrice throughout the whole call. But if he wasn’t busy then he’d take a grasp of everything.”

“Was he? Because the last time I knew you had a rough day, crying all alone, he didn’t. The time I knew I had to cheer you up, he didn’t. The time I knew I needed to reassure you that no one’s ever going to leave you but stay by your side, even though you didn’t realize about it, he didn’t.”

3 seconds passed by before my voice was heard in the line.

“What does that have to do with all these?”

“I understand you but the guy you wanted to be with, doesn’t”

That was it, the final blow. Both were concerning, the whole sentence is. Starting from the conclusion you understood me up until the thought of me wanting a guy who doesn’t pick me up the way I assume couples needed. We had a relationship with Chris, but was it called a relationship with lots of things in between?

“I’m sorry. Slipped out. I was just irritated.” It was a first for you to apologize but my mind wandered to the part where you compared yourself to Christopher.

“What do you mean by you understanding me when he doesn’t?”

“I mean... If I did understand you, then I’m pretty sure a lot more boys out there would be a better match and would recognize your desire. They would be able to take care of you. You know I’m just.. worried.”

If it was the usual vibe, I would’ve laughed at that lame excuse. But thinking back, it’s hard for me to perceive the way you feel about me. I’ve heard rumors but ended up being nonchalant about it because mr. president having feelings? I chose to believe it wasn’t real especially when I’m already facing a hard time.

“good night.” You continued after the short silence. It was now you who was starting to get exhausted. You cut off the line quickly before I could even reply. Was the relationship between me and Chris wasn’t able to follow up fate? How innocent of me to think that true love comes so easily.

5

  Days turned to months and I lost count of the weeks Chris has been gone by my side. He had never failed to text compared in the past, but I still yearned for his affection.

He seemed excited on the phone today and unknowingly called me 5 times and now a 6-

“Christopher, aren’t you busy?” I giggled as I heard him laugh. It made my day and filled up the void in me that was created because of the thought he isn’t able to be with me on my graduation day.

“I have duties... as your boyfriend” I playfully rolled my eyes without expecting a turn of events.

It was my final day in school and to think that I have to spend it alone because I had no friends, awful. Chris made my day though, so I wanted to enjoy it to the fullest. But the feeling of not seeing Hanji anymore still lingered in my mind. It was harsh but I had to accept it. We didn’t talk that much but undoubtedly, he was a good friend in times I need him.

Whilst looking around the stalls in the halls, I found him. He was talking to a guy seemingly the same age as ours and he looked so happy. But as his eyes met mines, was it just me, or did it die down? Maybe he doesn’t want to see me after all? His eyes traveled back to the sushi he ordered but sighed as I ran up to him.

“Mr. president?” The happy and annoying tone of calling him wasn’t present anymore. It was gloomy, hesitating if I should bother his hours or time. “Did I do something?”  What happened to our closure? it flees away.

I saw you in the process of trying to smile a little and just hummed to let me know nothing’s wrong. But everything is. You ignored me and walked up to the classroom. I followed you, as I always do. I decided to speak up but you cut me off.

“I’m sorry if I did-“

  “Are you still interested in me?”

  You turned around and confronted my small figure. It hurts the way you try to smile in front of me but failed to do so. Usually, you always made me believe what you wanted me to. You’d say you’re fine, you’re happy, you’re not exhausted, but right now? I’m not buying it. I may not be able to read you that much, but you seemed too tired to the point that your magic of convincing me didn’t work.

“Interested..?”

“You said you were interested in how elite ones live. Now that you got the answer and your boyfriend is one, what am I there for?”

“You were there for me-“

  “when he couldn’t be there”

  You were being on and off, getting more complicated as time passes by. You don’t go straight to the point but instead, run circles until I have a hard time contemplating whether I’m the wrong one.

“What are you trying to imply?” I questioned

“I don’t need a quote that says don’t expect something in return”

“Return? After everything, we’ve been through? Our friendship? Was it all just nothing? How doesn’t that benefit you?”

“Because the more I give you your need, why do I have to receive pain instead?” Your voice was shaky and I can see you biting your lip, trying to suppress yourself from falling and breaking. “You wanted to know me because you were curious about my life. Now that you know of it, what do you want from me?”

“What do you mean what do I want? I want nothing from you. The bond that we’re tied in is enough for “

“Then who am I to you?”

“I told you, a friend.”

“My purpose in your life?”

“Lifting me up whenever I feel....down”

“So did you recognize how that sound like to you?”

Among both of us, I broke down first. Why am I being the one treated like the villain in this story taking advantage of people around me? Why am I the perceived the evil being in our friendship? Why does he want to make me feel guilty? I didn’t even know what the problem is yet, but I was already the bad one here. Call me clueless, but I couldn’t be blamed for something I don’t even know about. Quiet sobs filled in the silence and I could feel your sympathy filling the empty room.

“If ever..” in a low volume, you decided to speak “Why do you want to spend more time with me?” I looked up to you and wiped away all my tears if that’s possible.

A reason, that’s all I need to prove but no suggestions came up to my mind. Recollecting tragedies, was I the one who didn’t bother calling you when you didn’t do the same to me? Why didn’t I? You didn’t even pass my mind one single time in the past days. So why didn’t that happen? I appreciated him but when did things gradually just..stop?

Tears fell down yours as well but you didn’t want me to look at you in the eye. “You were supposed to say for more memories, you know? Like because I actually made you happy so you wanted me to appreciate our moments. Believe it or not, that’s what they say” you laughed to lift the air but I was still left dumbfounded after everything. How terrible of me, that thought echoes repeatedly.

Hours passed by and I wasn’t feeling it. The sun turned gloomy, the loud cheer of students turned to noise, the sky turned monochrome and the atmosphere turned dull. All I could do was ask Chris regarding it. All he could say is that he appreciated how Hanji backed off and didn’t want to complicate things more by telling me. Understanding none of it, what does he mean by didn’t want to complicate things more when our quarrel was? Wow, I really am this hopeless. Slow and unaware.

I was lost in thought that I late realized how I could hear vehicles in Chris as he was on call. Was he lying then? He mentioned he was staying in but why are there noises and people chattering? I was baffled hearing one of the familiar voices behind. One seemed to be the same as my classmate.

“Where are you? I thought you said you were in your home?”

  “I am home.”

  Clichè as it seemed, It all felt like a slow-motion in a fast-paced sequence of events. Firstly you were just talking to me but at the next second, you were personally doing it.

Holding your phone, I finally found the guy I’ve seen and lost on the same day in the past. But now? He’s here. Promising me that he won’t leave ever again. I knew I could trust these words no matter how repetitive they're going to be. Once you tell me it, I just know you’d be by my side no matter what until the end of the world.

You were looking the same as I remembered in the past and it’s played out like deja vu. You walking up to me and giving me a whole hug of comfort, as I cried in your arms.

“How about your-“

“I don’t want you to worry about it. I’ve chosen myself, with no additional pressure, to live with you.” You stroked my hair and patted my back.

“Live with me?”

“Don’t you want to?” I was delighted and surprised by the sudden decision. I wasn’t given enough time to think about it, not that I needed time anyway. I would always choose you over anything else.

It was the event and yes, I graduated with my boyfriend cheering me on and allowed me to soar high and fly, to start a new beginning.

6

[HAN POV]

  It was good seeing you happy. Even if it was Bang Chan, I’m sure he is the only man that can make you smile like that.

But indeed, I was hurt. I was a book you wanted to read but as soon as you got ahold of the main idea, everything starts to get boring. Usually, you would never fail to not make me annoyed each day because as you always say, I cross your mind every time. When you were indulged in your relationship, I was forgotten.

It was all my mistake and you don’t have to feel guilty about it. I may not have any expectations of you loving me, but I had hopes and that’s what made me receive pain. If I hadn’t hoped you would be with me, hoping you forgot about him, hoped you could see I am just here waiting, hoped you could realize I can treat you better, then both of us wouldn’t get hurt. It’s my fault and I’m held accountable to live in regrets.

But even for a split second, I am happy that I am capable of distracting your worries and making your day better. I wasn’t thinking well in the argument a while ago but I did get the benefit. Seeing you happy, makes me happy. So letting you go is the best choice for both of us to receive joy. Scratch that, I don’t have the right to tell you I would let you go.

  Because I never stood a chance did I?

7

[YOUR JOURNAL]

  After graduating, I moved in with Christopher. He let me listen to some of the tracks he had created to stop me from bothering him all day.

The music he had composed was nothing personal and was based on people from different perspectives. I had never felt the same experience as well but something about the way he writes and produces brought me to tears. The pain and emptiness inside were well shown in the midst of harmonies. He was also a genius writer with well-structured sentences and livens up feelings in the words to make the listener feel as if he or she was the one narrating it. His father is a musician, but to think he would be able to express that much in songs just shows how deeply connected he is with music. He wasn’t motivated because he tries to stop himself from being like his father but it was a pity for him to stop something he is incredibly good at.

“You’re really something Christopher! Do you know that?” I hugged him from behind and heard his little laughs. “I think I’ve fallen for you all over again. But honestly, I knew you’d write and produce this good” I wore on a smug look as he asked while giggling because of the face I’m giving.

“How?”

“How about calling it an intuition from an expert music lover?” You playfully rolled your eyes in my response because you expected something more detailed. You urged me to explain it to you so you’d knew my opinion about the music and so I did.

“Your words are beautiful that it makes me believe anything you’ll say, Christopher” I smiled and kissed your cheek. I rested my head near your neck as we were sat on the bed, facing each other.

It was true. You made me feel different feelings and opened up a new perspective to move on from my past. You influenced me a variety of changing thoughts. I don’t like the idea of losing myself to someone because it forgets the real me. I don’t like the concept of being crazy in love with people because it doesn’t feel sweet somehow whenever the risk of it being one-sided and unable to move on is present. Not realizing that whenever the talk comes about you, it feels heavenly. I don’t know who I would be if I wasn’t yours but it all feels enchanting. Although you made me insecure, at the same time you made me laugh throughout the day. You were a gold rush. Perfect and gentle, to think that someone like me got you is like winning once in my entire life. Luck is rare but fate was there. By fate, it turned out you were destined to meet me and get me out of the hell hole, no one tried to do. By fate, it means I will love you and will forever do. By fate, we’ll stand strong and fight the cracks alongside our journey.

8

[CHRIS POV]

  You wouldn’t take a no for an answer when I was asked to create more songs. A single shed of tear from listening to my music encouraged you to push more song requests unto me. Make-me-a-song was all I could remember hearing from you.

I remember you publishing one of my songs and I was accepted by it. You were jumping up and down as I was worried about its outcome. I was starting to get known, that was also the beginning of how the unforgivable musician started to forget about the important ones in his life. It was as if the result would be dragging my only light into my darkness. I don’t want to be a musician and yet, here I am composing more songs even if I knew what was coming soon.

I’ve started with light romance that I think you’ll enjoy but seeing you look so happy with just a simple work of mine, gave me that motivation I least wanted to have. And like a recorded cd, everything was played the exact same way in different men. I hated it but it was truly like father, like son.

I continued to write songs with deeper ones but as I got the recognition all the more, I produced as if I was possessed. I was indulged in the way words can be conveyed differently and ideas, stories, and theories were constantly overflowing my mind. I was wrapped up in music and I hated myself for it. Even though I despised the process, I couldn’t help but continuously write. All of my pent-up feelings in the past years were expressed in my songs, making me create heavy tracks and don’t run out of stories to tell. The man I’ve been hiding and was traumatized from came back and it’s as if he mocks me that we are on the same page after all. I felt myself sinking and sinking despite you telling me that I am not like my father because I made you feel the definition of love. I was trapped in a room with no escape that relates whenever I had started making music, I couldn’t get out of it. I wasn’t forced but this drive is what makes me continue because I feel like I’m creating a new genre that makes people deeply appreciate and maybe understand what I’ve been going through.

4 years came by but it felt like days in my studio.

“Chris, are you sure you’re fine? Get enough rest okay?” the young girl called me but I was busy finalizing the song.

“Yes, thank you,” I replied shortly after your question. I wasn’t paying much attention so I didn’t know the accurate response for it.

“Anyways, what’s that ab-“

“I’m working on music that’s going to be showcased and submitted to the famous JYP company later. It is really important so I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t distract me by asking so many questions. Come by later, we’ll talk about it then.” I looked at my watch on my right arm and noticed how I still got a few hours left before attending the ceremony. The albums will be released soon after but I have to submit another title track.

I was busy with all the scheduled dates and songs that I hadn’t realized

  she wasn’t smiling anymore.

  “Mr. Bang Chan?” hours came by and truly the CEO came. We have a friendly bond and he gives me advice so it’s casual for him to call on me. I hurried up to the door and went to the car.

“Why didn’t you invite her to the big event?” The CEO of the company asked me to start up a conversation. He crossed his hands and tapped his fingers as if he thought of something so deep and significant because he was getting impatient.

“It’s a big hassle. She isn’t good and comfortable in interacting with people she doesn’t know” I simply stated and smiled for respect.

“I don’t interfere or meddle in the personal affairs or lives of others but I hope you aren’t neglecting her because of this, are you?”

“She will understand” I looked up to the car window and stared at the illuminating lights from buildings. I know you took a lot of time waiting for me, but please don’t give up and let me finish this song about you. By then, our Disney-like dreams would finally come true and I swear I’ll make you even happier.

  I held a box of ring in my pocket. I’ll make you happy, just hang a bit in there okay?

9

[YOUR POV]

  The CEO told me about the new album he’s been working on. It was about his first love. It would be no other than me, right?

I went up to his room and read the paper scattered alongside his desk. There were lots but I decided to read the one that I assumed was already done. It was near the porch and I understood how he wanted to compose in front of the moon.

  The moon shone brightly that night

 but I realized that wasn’t my source of light

You look lovely

as the smiles you beamed lasted an eternity

I was persuaded and lost in thought

unknowingly, my heart was caught

Because even under the moon, you’ve shone the brightest

and cleared my problems at most

Even under where light lies,

 I was indulged deep in your eyes

Even when it illuminates through the void,

a different view is what I’ve enjoyed

Because even if their minds were fixated on the scene,

looking at you felt more serene

  I stopped reading the paper and placed it back on the desk.

  “That can’t be me..” I thought.

  Starting from the mentioned smiles, how could that be me? You stated you enjoyed looking at me, but I felt like I was invisible whenever you compose songs. Did you make songs while thinking of me? I don’t think so. You should’ve known that you were dragging me along with your darkest nights. I wasn’t even your light anymore, it died down. I was overshadowed by your passion or the one you’re talking about in this script. Can I still make you happy? No. Am I still happy? No. The whole lyrics proves how you didn’t even take a single glance at me right now. Because if you did care, you would've known I changed because you did. I changed because the person I was relying upon, didn’t find motivation in me. We started together but it lost while it progresses just like how you started music because of me but lost my figure in your sight along the way. It was reality, I was being forgotten. When I was alone crying, where were you? I know you don’t understand me quite well but I was the whole climate. I changed for seasons unlike in the past where it was mild swings. Because you know what hurts the most? Not the fact that I waited and kept waiting as I am already used to that and no matter how many years it may take, I’ll always wait for you. But it’s all because everything went back. You picked me up from the trauma and showed how love is but it’s as if my past resurfaced from the waters and told me how tragedies would always stay the same. That I would always end up this way no matter who I’m faced to. I felt guilty for slightly regretting that I praised your songs. Indeed you were meant to be connected with music and it’s your passion. I’m happy that I was able to show it to you but wouldn’t these happen if I didn’t start it all? I was wrong. I thought it made you happy but no. None of these made us happy. Your pieces of music weren’t to blame, I shouldn’t be blamed and neither were you. Where did everything go wrong? I don’t know, it just started to fall off. These lyrics were deeply engraved in my mind. You seemed so in love when I wasn’t able to show you what love is. If it was a person, she must’ve been so kind and understanding. She must’ve been someone who understood your secrets and feelings. And me? I couldn’t still get to you. I’m confused about what’s best for you or what you wanted all along. I don’t recognize the woman you’re writing about. Either it was the past me or someone new. Chris,

  who is it that you’re in love with?

  Cold air rushed through my skin as I closed my eyes and inhaled the scent of calm air. It wasn’t possible but it was enough to make me feel calm. I still appreciated our moments but I feel like I can’t wait anymore, Chris. It’s not because I’m tired but because I feel like you’ll be better without me. I hate the idea of me regretting I showed you your passion. I’ll be nothing but a whole burden. You’ll meet someone better who recognizes your life and by then she’ll be a brave one who can communicate with you. You’ll find someone new, or you already did. If anything, happiness is all I need in the end, at least at the ends of the world. It did happen. I was happy because the next thing I’ll do will be the bravest thing I had ever done after all my cowardly decisions in life, and it’s all because of you.

I stood up at the top of the porch and imagined a vivid scenery. It was you kneeling down to someone new. She did accept it and you were celebrating. Tears ran down my cheeks but was I smiling? Yes, it was indeed happiness seeing you take a break from the pressure and realize you needed to receive joy. I wasn’t able to give it to you but to think someone else would, contrasted the happiness and pain. “It’s time to let go” I opened my eyes slowly as I thought and saw the moonlight. I snapped out of my thoughts and cleared out my head. Because no matter what happened in between us, you crossed my mind in a second. And that’s when I knew, I still loved you despite the bittersweet rain.

10

[CHRIS POV]

  I heard sirens in front of the place that doesn’t feel like home anymore. Why? I heard how young and innocent the girl was and it was a pity to see her leave. It was a shock for me to the point that I hadn’t shed a single tear. Empty, hollow. It was all I could feel at the moment. Was she gone? Did she conclude to leave her out of my life?

Paper. That’s all I’ve seen on the desk. It’s prohibited to enter but I couldn’t believe what I’m seeing. The paper was crumpled and I believed you took the time to read this. Was my perspective wrong about you? Wasn’t this about you? I read the paper without further thinking and realized how I painted her as an angel. She is human, she was a human. Yet I’ve acted as if she was happy all the time, trying to save me from being a mess. Did I take a look back at her? No, instead I assumed too quickly. But what could that change? I was late and you’ve already given up. I was this close to preventing this but because I was so into writing a song made for you, I had forgotten the purpose to the point that it doesn’t seem like you anymore. Can I turn back time? If only I could. I needed to feel your warmth, I needed to see you one last time. I need you.

“Excuse me, do you know the victim?” A man from the authorities asked.

“Yes.”

Mixed emotions were vivid. I felt guilty but hoped you were happy in your last breath. The context of mines was complicated and I didn’t even notice it before. I abandoned to treat, as what I comprehend. Miscommunication rode the tides but it was undoubtedly true when I started to ignore people that surround me. I want to focus on you without realizing I left you. Is that even possible? It is now that I’ve seen it. Just like CDs, everything was played out in deja vu. People were different but things were just the same. It was how I became just like the person I despised all my life. But I did it for a reason, it’s not like I forgot about you. I just didn’t think how your feelings are right now but pursuing this song, is how I still remembered every bit of you. Would the ring I held on be given if I arrived earlier? No, I should’ve realized. I should’ve loved and made you feel how important you were to me in the days back then. In times you felt a hole in your chest, I should’ve been there to feel it up with love. I should’ve been there when you felt insecure. I should’ve been there when you felt all alone. But no matter how much I hurt myself, tear myself apart, it all ends with “I should’ve.” I’m sorry I couldn’t show you what I wanted to. I’m sorry I couldn’t love you until the very end.

I continued explaining to the man, 

  “She was my fiancée”

would you love me if I let go?

[omni-scient-pan-da]

And They Were Oarmates

The Third Part of My Fic About The Oars by omni-scient-pan-da (One, Two, All)

For @i-have-all-these-freaking-uwus @burntuakrisp @wh33z @reaping-mae @jo-the-nerd @emo-bi-mess @taurianskies7 @the-dumbass-multishipper @pictures-that-are-kinda-cool @iprefertheterminsane @inkytrinket-irii

About six weeks had passed since Rowan set out on his journey to find his husband, and word was starting to get around that he was looking for a warlock with green magic.

Unfortuntely, he was no closer to finding Killian than he had been when he first started. Anytime he thought he’d found someone that could take him to the warlock, it turned out to be the wrong person. Every lead he had had led him to a dead end, but Rowan refused to give up hope. He’d do whatever it took to find his husband, even if it killed him. 

Right now though, things weren’t looking the greatest. Even if he hadn’t been worried about what was happening to Killian he had more pressing matters to focus on at the moment. 

Like the angry dragon that he’d accidentally stumbled upon.

Bright green fire shot past Rowan as he darted to the side of the cave. Holy shit, Rowan thought to himself. I didn’t realize dragons were so sensitive about being called warlocks.

It hadn’t seemed like an unreasonable assumption at the time, but if nothing else, this dragon really seemed to hate being confused for a warlock.

Rowan peaked around the corner, trying to gauge how far away the exit was. If he could just get past the dragon without being burned to a crisp, he could try and make a break for it. But of course, that would require him to actually be able to make it past the dragon.

“Look, I’m sorry I confused you for a warlock!” Rowan yelled, trying to reason with the dragon. “It won’t happen again!”

Green fire shot down the corridor once more and Rowan sighed. This was going to be difficult.

~

Killian fell to the ground, breathing heavily.

“Again,” the warlock commanded, glaring at him. 

“How many times is it going to take for you to realize I just can’t do magic?” Killian asked, wiping sweat from his brow as he pushed himself up off the ground into a sitting position. “It’s just not possible for me.”

The warlock smiled at him and suddenly Killian felt very very uneasy. The warlock never smiled, not unless he was about to do something Killian would absolutely despise.

“Everyone can do magic Killian,” the warlock sneered. “Maybe it’s just that you need a little more motivation.”

Green light sizzled through the air and all of a sudden the warlock was holding Killian’s ring in his hand. His wedding ring. The one thing that he had left to remind him of home, the one thing that still connected him to his husband, the one thing that gave him hope that he might actually find his way home.

“Isn’t it funny how something so small can give a person so much motivation?” the warlock asked, one corner of his mouth quirking up in a smirk. 

“Give it back you son of a bitch,” Killian ordered, trying to put all the force he could muster into his words, but even to his own ears his voice sounded hollow, shaky, and a little broken. He couldn’t take the ring, the ring was the one thing he had left.

“This little old thing?” the warlock asked innocently, twirling it in his hand. “Maybe having the metal on your person is what’s interfering with your magic.” He grinned sadistically and the palm holding the ring lit up in green flames.

Moving without thinking, Killian roared, lunging at the warlock. “YOU BASTARD!” he wound his arm up to punch the geezer in the gut, his own fist now alight with burning red angry magic as he swung. The only thing on his mind was how badly he needed to get that ring back, he had to have it, the warlock couldn’t take it from him, he needed it, he needed Rowan, he needed-

All of a sudden Killian flew back in the air before landing on the cold hard ground once more, his stomach on fire as if he had been the one to get hit and not the warlock.

In front of him the warlock laughed as green protection sigils flashed around him. “Reflection spells Killian, remember?”

Killian took a few deep breaths, trying to ignore the searing pain in his abdomen. “Give me the ring back or I’ll kill you.”

The warlock snorted. “As fun as it’d be to see you try, I think there are more important things at hand here, such as the fact that you can do magic.” he held up the ring, that sadistic grin of his plastered across his face once more. “And now I know exactly how to trigger it.”

~

After nearly getting burned to death by a dragon and numerous other failed attempts at finding his husband, Rowan was starting to get really fucking tired. He wasn’t giving up hope just yet, he couldn’t give up hope. Rowan couldn’t even begin to fathom how he was supposed to carry on without even the smallest slimmer of hope of finding Killian again.

But he was getting really really tired of all the traveling and time and energy it took for him to even find the smallest whisper of Killian, only for his plans to completely blow up in his face.

All he wanted was to find his husband, was that so terrible? Was he truly destined to endure a life of suffering without him? Constantly searching for a man that might not even want him anymore?

That was the worst part about this whole ordeal, the way Killian had acted in those last few precious moments before he had been stolen from Rowan. The warlock had to have done something to mess with Killian’s mind, right? There was no way Killian would’ve said or done those things of his own violition... 

Rowan shook his head as he walked, heading back into the inn where he had been staying for the past few nights, hoping he could get in quickly without the owner noticing that half his shirt had been scorched off. Luckily for him, Rowan had always been able to pull of a crop top.

Rowan pushed open the door to the inn, peaking his head inside to see if there was anyone in the lobby. Upon finding no one, he darted inside, thankful his room key had managed to survive his little skirmish with the dragon as he unlocked the door to his rented room and steped inside, sagging against the door as soon as it closed behind him.

“Just... Keep moving Rowan, keep moving and you’ll be fine,” he muttered to himself under his breath. “As long as you keep moving, you’ll find Killian eventually and then... And then...”

And then he really didn’t know what would happen next. He’d find some way to free Killian from that horrible warlock that had taken him? He didn’t know the first thing about magic, how was he supposed to defeat an all powerful warlock? And then of course came that nagging little voice in the back of his mind as he started to question whether or not Killian would even want him to come to his rescue...

Rowan sighed, pushing his doubts aside as he dug through his clothes to find a new shirt. He’d have to buy a new one to replace the one he’d ruined, but that could wait for another day. Right now he needed a drink and a long night’s rest before he decided which town to jump to next in search of his husband.

After changing clothes, Rowan headed out of his room once more, this time to the small tavern across the street from the inn. After taking a seat at the bar and ordering a drink he glanced around the room, looking for anyone that might have any clue where his husband could be.

“This is pointless... I’m never going to find him this way. I need to change strategies or... Or something or else I’m going to go insane.”

“They say talking to yourself is the first sign of madness, so I’d say you’re on the right track,” a voice perked up from behind him said.

Rowan jumped a little in his seat, turning around to find a cloaked woman standing behind him. “I um... I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were standing there.”

The woman smiled slightly. “Don’t worry about it,” she replied. “I’ve been looking for you for a long time... You’re the one trying to find the Le Sorcier Vert, aren’t you?”

Rowan’s eye’s widened. “Do you know how to find him?” His heart was pounding in his chest and he didn’t dare to hope any more than he already was. He didn’t know if he could handle losing hope the way he’d lost Killian.

“I can do you one better,” the woman replied. “I know how to defeat him.

Author's Note: Okay alright it's been 3 months since I updated this but I have no concept of time, so once again, special thanks to @i-have-all-these-freaking-uwus for sending me an ask and motivating me to finish this thing! There WILL be a part 4 and when I post it you can find the link HERE and I'm thinking part four will be the finale? Who knows, but there should be an updated list with all available parts HERE that includes links to the whole series, and I promise, the story will definitely have a happy ending. As before, if you wanna be tagged when part 4 comes out, leave a comment below or reblog this because seriously, I will not work on this for ages unless I have external motivation. Thanks so much for reading this far, I'm glad you're all enjoying the story so far!

[tsukikento]

Empathetic Chapter 13

Pairing: Bakugou Katsuki x Reader

Summary: After your mom, the number 1 hero in America, gets offered a teaching position at U.A., you two pack up your things and head to Musutafu, Japan to start a new life. Pressure for you in America was at an all-time high, and now you’re in Japan, where almost no one knows you, or your family’s past.

This tale starts on your first day of class where your new teacher decides the best way for you to fit in is to fight against the strongest person in your class: Bakugou Katsuki.

Warnings/Genre: This piece will feature some angst and reference to an abusive parent, if you are ever worried about other tw’s feel free to send me an ask and I will let you know. There will also be fluff, slight angst, pining, and slowburn.

A/N: I finished this weeks ago and then took forever to do my final edit! Which may suck, but I think the wait is worth it. I’m hoping to write much more in the new year! :) Please let me know what you think.

(masterlist)

It was another mundane and busy week until anything eventful occurred.

Although, there were still highlights to your week, particularly the lunch periods.

On Monday, you ate with Ashido, Kirishima, and the rest of that small group of friends you were becoming more acquainted with. News of Ashido and Kirishima’s relationship spread quickly as they sat together before class started and were giggling messes for much of the day. Therefore, the couple decided to sit next to each other during lunch instead of in the usual seating order. Because of the seating change, you were now positioned next to Bakugou who kept rather quiet except for the few times he nudged you to laugh at how idiotic the couple was being.

Tuesday was rather similar, except now Kaminari and Sero were pretending to be a couple in order to mock Ashido and Kirishima. They comically fed each other lunch, called each other disgustingly sweet pet names, and even pretended to kiss a few times. You, out of everyone there, found this the funniest. You could not help but laugh loudly at their antics while Ashido and Kirishima swayed between being upset, bashful, and laughing along. Bakugou had a small smile planted on his lips throughout the lunch, but did not bark out a laugh once.

On Wednesday, Ashido practically ruined your plans by telling you that she was eating with just Kirishima that day. You had been so excited to sit with Bakugou once more that you weren’t quite sure what to do. After some debate, you ended up sitting with the rest of the Class 1-A girls. They spent most of the lunch talking about school, which wasn’t horrible, but they were much less humorous than the ridiculous and rambunctious boys you had been sitting with.

On Thursday, you once again sat with the girls. However, Uraraka was missing today and was replaced by an Ashido who could not stop staring at Kirishima. Despite ogling him during lunch, she firmly believed in spending time with other people and taking things slow. This resulted in her promising one day for “just us girls!” As the two lovesick puppies continued to shift in their seats to get a look at the other.  You even found yourself preemptively looking towards the table of boys to catch Kirishima’s glances. It seemed Bakugou had the same idea because you made eye contact with him almost as much as Kirishima and Ashido had.

When Friday rolled around, you were fairly tired. School picked up quickly and you were still working on catching up from the weeks you missed. With little sleep, you trudged to the table with Ashido and Kirishima and allowed anyone but you to carry on a conversation. Luckily, that was easy for the group sitting with you.

Although you weren’t quite sure what was happening, you were fairly certain Ashido and Kaminari were rallying a humorous bit about Aizawa and another hero. Something about jokes? Or somebody with a lot of jokes?

However, the happy atmosphere changed quickly as Mineta approached you all with a sick smirk plastered on his face.

Despite Kaminari and Sero being friendly with Mineta in their first year, and not outright hating him now, they knew better than to welcome him with open arms to a table with two girls, the chivalrous Kirishima, and a short-tempered Bakugou. With this in mind, they stayed quiet as the purple-headed boy arrived at their table and gained everyone’s attention.

“Can we help you?” Kirishima asked politely. He cautiously wrapped his arm around Ashido, very aware that Mineta could be more vulgar than the average person.

“I just wanted to congratulate you on your relationship,” He began, surprising all of you.

Even you turned to look at him out of surprise. The action wasn’t too difficult because he was positioned between you and Bakugou who sat at the head of the table. You furrowed your eyebrows as you watched him begin to speak once more.

“I have to say I’m pretty jealous you get to tap that pink a—“

“Oh my god,” Ashido’s voice covered up his last word and you all looked at him in mal contempt and utter disgust.

Anger immediately flooded through your veins and you almost threw yourself away to distance yourself from Mineta as much as possible. Furthermore, despite your tired mind, you had been wanting to destress for hours, and you swiftly placed your hand on the short boy’s shoulder as you saw the opportunity arise. Although it pained you to even touch him, you craved to let your aggressions go much more than your craved distance.

You smirked as his emotions ran through you. With as much control as you could muster, you did not allow his perverse feelings overcome you and instead focused on his insecurities.

“Pretty big words from someone who wouldn’t even be a hero if it wasn’t for your grape-filled brain,” You said, letting your aggression take over your conscious. “I wouldn’t make comments like that knowing full well all of us here could kick your ass. You don’t even fit well into our class when your quirk is easily outdone by Sero and your smarts are far from the best in the class.” Every word your spoke spit the venom of a snake, but you couldn’t stop yourself from letting though go into the loud cafeteria.

“Holy shit,” You heard Kaminari chuckle out of pure surprise once you finished ridiculing Mineta.

You removed your hand from his shoulder and stared at him with a sickly evil smirk, practically begging the purple pile of garbage to try and retort to much too real claims.

“Scram,” A deep voice beside you spoke up.

You looked over to Bakugou and saw as much anger in his eyes as you were sure were in yours. However, you were quite sure yours were now being replaced with confusion.

Mineta fled with his theoretical tail between his legs. You didn’t have to remove your earbuds to know he was regretting ever coming to this table.

Good, you thought as you watched him leave.

Once he was a good distance away, you turned back to your groups of friends who stared at you in shock.

“Damn, L/N-san,” Sero commented, very purposefully using formal language around you.

“Your tongue is as sharp as Bakugou’s,” Kirishima added while Ashido ran around to give you a hug for defending her.

“Thank you,” She whispered in your ear, her tone happier than you would expect at this time.

You nervously chuckled and scratched the back of your head, not expecting them to be so accepting of your angry side. It really only ever come out during a fight or when someone was particularly pissing you off.

“Yeah,” Bakugou quietly added. You looked over to him as he continued to speak, “It was,” A pregnant pause filled the table, “Cool.” Despite him still looking dissatisfied with his choice of words, you didn’t push for him to clarify.

“Thanks,” You replied, a gentle smile stretched across your hot cheeks. His own cheeks tinged a hue of pink you saw rarely and you knew that this moment was special. You didn’t want to rush to conclusions because assumptions were never ideal, but you hoped Bakugou actually liked seeing your quick wit come out.

The bell rang, signaling that your session of lunch was coming to a close and you had 5 minutes to get to your next class. You grabbed your small dessert before tossing the rest of your lunch. While Bakugou, Ashido, and Kaminari departed in a separate direction for the class with your mom, you gingerly walked with Sero and Kirishima back to the 2-A classroom.

The two boys continued to compliment you as you walked into class on your impressive words.

“If it was anyone else, I would be nervous to say this,” Kirishima spoke, “But Mineta is so crude that he kind of deserves it. Especially considering what he was saying about Ashido.”

You smiled at Kirishima, who currently had pink spreading across his face. “I’m sure you would have stepped in if I hadn’t,” You added, knowing full well that Kirishima was very polite.

The conversation continued until you arrived at your class. Sero moved to his seat while you and Kirishima walked together to the back to sit in your seats one behind the other.

When Monday had come, Aizawa still hadn’t prepared anything for the class to do, but today he came prepared.

With a pop quiz.

Everyone in the class groaned as he insisted it would give you all a better chance than the other students on the next exam.

By the time you got out of class, you were sure Ashido, Kaminari, and Bakugou were still with your mom.

Despite knowing full well that you should head over to your mom’s house and feed your cat, you were also very tempted to sit in on the class. Or at least see Bakugou again.

You felt butterflies erupt in your stomach, something that had become more and more common, at the thought of seeing him. You felt like such a fool with your ridiculous crush, but you couldn’t help how excited you got at the idea of seeing him.

Additionally, today’s class was supposed to be her day with every year rather than just one. The large crowd would mean she wasn’t as intense and detailed. Finally, you decided to use a simple excuse of a question to have a reason to go and see your friends.

Primarily Bakugou, you admitted to yourself as you trekked the halls to the large gymnasium.

Despite his previous comments, Bakugou’s temperament towards your mother’s class had gone down by Monday when she was able to talk to him more one on one about manipulating his explosions and how it matched with her fire manipulation.

Having sat in on your own siblings' training sessions multiple times, you knew the speech about fire, or explosions in Bakugou’s case, not being able to provide nearly as much defense as offense.

Ashido had recanted to you that Bakugou spent most of the day trying to use his explosions to block attacks from whatever partner he was with instead of using his explosions to attack them.

You were glad they were getting along with each other, but you want for them to get along together also scared you to death.

Is me wanting them to get along too much? You questioned, trying to be conscious of how quickly your feelings were getting the best of you.

Reluctantly, you attempted to swallow your nerves and went to grab the door handle of the gym.

Since your mother would be talking to all her students as opposed to just one years’ worth, you knew you would have quite the audience as you opened the loud door to the gym. That could be positive and negative.

As you predicted, a plethora of eyes moved from your mother to look at you as you bashfully came in. They were currently sitting on the ground as your mother talked to them about who knows what.

Immediately your eyes found Bakugou’s sharp vermillion eyes. You felt your face flush as his piercing gaze stared back at your shamelessly. It was almost intense enough for you to look down and run out of the gym.

However, before you had a chance, your mother whipped around and smiled at you as she noticed herself lose everyone’s attention.

“Ah!” She cheerfully exclaimed as you tentatively approached her and stood in front of more than fifty students.

You couldn’t help but watch Bakugou as his eyes brazenly traveled up and down your body as you approached the group of students. The smirk on his lips was a bold reminder that he was much more confident than you.

“Everyone,” Your mom spoke and she turned to face the crowd, “This is my daughter, Y/N!”

Although you knew what type of situation you put yourself in, you still nervously waved at the class before leaning into your mom. “Sorry, I just needed to ask you something.”

“We’ll be right back,” She told the class. Gently, she grabbed your elbow and pulled you away so the students couldn’t hear you. “Yeah?” She asked.

Although you appreciated her moving you both out of earshot, you were intending to talk to her in English, which many of the students knew very little of considering it was your first language and most likely their second.

“I was just about to head over to feed Cody and remembered you being a little low on food on Wednesday. Do you want me to pick up more?” You asked.

“Oh, yes! That would be perfect!” She exclaimed, “Thank you for remembering.”

“Okay, cool, see you la—”

“Come talk to the class before you go!” Your mother excitedly said as she pulled you back to the students, clearly wanting to show off one of her 5 prodigies.

Although she was strict when it came to training and held standards for you that were much different from her siblings, you were still her pride and joy. She acted so childishly when not focused on work, and it almost felt like Ashido was the one dragging you to do something you didn’t want to do.

“Tell them about how I am as a teacher,” She said in Japanese so the class could understand.

You sighed before looking to the students and trying to find the best words. Although there were many people in the audience you knew, you only kept your eyes on Bakugou as you spoke. Having my mom as your teacher can help you so much, so pay attention, you thought to yourself before speaking. “She is a hard-ass. She knows your potential and knows you can do better than you think. She is kind to you, but when you slack off, she gets more serious than you will ever see. Take this class seriously.” You paused for a moment before adding. “My mom trained all four of my older siblings. She is the number 1 hero in America, and they are all in the top 20 and climbing. You are lucky to have her help.”

Your tone was serious, but your mother’s kind smile was what made the situation scariest. She didn’t even correct you or criticize her for calling her a hard-ass. Many students had shocked faces with only a few exceptions for the students you knew would take her seriously and use her skill before she left.

“Thank you so much for stopping by,” Your mother spoke before turning to only address you. “This class is almost done, but I have a meeting, so I won’t be home by the time you feed Cody.”

You promptly nodded before turning to leave. You were too nervous to spare a glance at your friends, but you heard Ashido and Kaminari say goodbye as you opened to gymnasium door.

You used the small walk to the local pet store and then to your mother’s house as an opportunity to be with yourself. You thought over your week and what you needed to do. From homework, you needed to catch up on, personal training, and your hero costume, your life was fairly busy.

Additionally, the back of your mind prodded you with questions about Bakugou.

Did it seem weird that you stopped by your mom’s class?

Is it obvious you like him more than others?

You shouldn’t even be thinking about romance when you have to focus on your career!!

You knew full well that you had leaps to take in order to be an excelling hero. You knew it was more important to force yourself to actually train and practice than to worry about little friendships and romances. However, you felt tired.

You tried to calm yourself down by reminding yourself that you just moved to a new country and started school in a whole new place.

This school is made to help me train and get better, at least I have that if I am not doing much extra outside of class.

By the time you arrived at your mom’s house and were done feeding Cody, your feet, and brain ached. You spent the next half an hour on the couch with your cat by your side, lackadaisically petting him while scrolling through your phone.

Once your feet were no longer crying for a break, you made your way back home. The sun was still up, the warm sun shining perfectly on the concrete. It was just now entering the end of May and many bushes and trees were lush with green leaves and various vibrant other colors. The temperature was nice and tepid, making the walk home very comfortable because of the occasional breeze.

By the time you were home, the sun was just beginning to set. You quietly took off your shoes and greeted the few students downstairs.

“Ah, L/N-san,” Iida began once he saw you. He, Asui, and Tokoyami were currently stationed in the kitchen. “I know you aren’t used to the normal schedule yet, but we usually eat dinner around 6. Everyone takes turns cooking.”

You nodded while walking up to them. They were currently cooking up a pasta dish and the smell was making your stomach ache.

“Once you feel comfortable, we would love to add you to the list,” Iida continued.

Although a little tired, you still smiled at the trio, “I would love to. Is there a spreadsheet or list? I really only know American dishes so…” You trailed off at the end of your sentence. You enjoyed cooking, but you hardly knew how to make true Japanese dishes.

“Of course,” Asui began. She pulled out her phone to show you. “Each day has certain people with the dishes already listed. The school provides us with some money for food and different people go shopping each Saturday. It is usually the girls though, ribbit,” She explained.

Your eyes glazed over this month’s sheet. Each person appeared a few times with the respective dishes also listed.

“Who makes these?” You asked.

“Momo does,” Iida quickly replied while he drained a large pot of pasta.

You nodded, debating what would be your best action. “I’ll talk to Momo some time about getting put onto the schedule.”

The three classmates nodded and thanked you for understanding.

You sheepishly waved them off, telling them you were happy to help. You finally made your way upstairs with a small snack in hand. You were quite hungry at this point and hoped it would help satiate you until the food was ready in an hour.

You immediately plopped down on your bed and pulled out your phone once upstairs.

I can do homework after dinner, you told yourself as you scrolled through social media.

However, before you had a chance to really relax, you heard 3 rapid knocks against your wooden door. Quizzically, you stood up from your bed, debating who could be knocking in such a short, yet recognizable way.

Unsurprisingly, Bakugou was the person on the other side.

I should have known, you told yourself as you took in his outfit. He wasn’t too sweaty, but it was clear he has been active for at least the past hour. He was dressed in basketball shorts and a basic t-shirt.

“Can I help you?” You inquired. It seemed he rushed over to talk to you, making you wonder by he couldn’t wait.

“I want to fight,” He bluntly explained.

“Okay, um,” You mumbled, “I am pretty good right now. Can I take a rain check?” You retorted. You definitely were not ready for a challenge.

The blond rolled his eyes as you and sighed, “Dummy. I don’t mean right now.” His voice was harsh and it made you want to laugh at his reaction to your reply.

Your mouth formed into an ‘O’ shape and Bakugou leaned up against the door.

“Are you gonna invite me in?” He asked. The pout on his lips was rather cute, but you tried to stay focused on what he was saying.

“Do you even want to come in?” You pushed.

Bakugou scrunched up his nose at your sarcastic comment and leaned up to stand tall against you. “It would be rude not to. We have to plan when we are going to train together.”

“Ah,” You mumbled.

You moved aside to let Bakugou in. When he came in, you finally noticed the water in his hand and the way his eyes scanned over your room carefully.

“I didn’t realize you meant training,” You explained as you quietly closed your bedroom door.

No matter how calm you tried to stay it was rather difficult to do so when he was looking over everything you had.

He turned to look at you. “Are you dumb?” He judged, “Do you need coffee or something?”

You waived him off and grabbed your laptop, not feeling the need to keep this small spat going. You gestured for him to sit at your desk chair while you perched onto your own bed.

“Do you know your schedule?” You asked him as you pulled up the calendar app on your laptop.

“Yeah,” He began while taking a seat at your small desk chair. He slouched over in the chair and gave off a very nonchalant vibe.

You wondered for a moment what kind of vibe you gave off.

“I am free on Wednesday and Sunday,” He explained.

You nodded and looked through your schedule. You didn’t really have anything that couldn’t be moved considering you had only been living in Japan for a few weeks now. Silently, you wished your schedule would pick up more. You noticed most of your classmates were gone a few times throughout the week for their internship.

You bit your lip, debating your schedule before mumbling out, “Do you cook dinner at all?”

Bakugou stared at your quizzically, your eyes glued to your laptop screen. “Huh?” He replied, his voice louder than intended. He honestly wasn’t even sure if you knew you asked that question.

You looked up from him and immediately felt nerves wash over your body. “I’m just curious because Iida was talking to me about adding myself to that schedule. I was wondering if you did in the case that would mess up our training. Or, like, also because I know you go to your internship a lot and wanted to make sure I didn’t take up too much of your time. Sorry, I didn’t m—”

“You talk too much,” Bakugou interrupted.

You abruptly stopped talking. You stared at Bakugou, not quite sure what to say.

Is he even going to answer my question, you debated as you watched him.

“I do,” He finally added. “On Mondays.”

You nodded your head and simply looked back to your computer. You gulped down the lump in your throat before mumbling out a small and meek, “Cool.” Your eyes gloss over your computer once more despite already having your schedule memorized. “Wednesday and Sunday work for me too.”

Bakugou stood up from the chair. “Good,” He replied, before making his way to the door.

“Wait!” You exclaimed just before he opened the door.

He turned to look at you, his features were curious as to what else you could add.

“What time are we going to meet up?” You asked. “And where?” You added. A small pause, “And what are we going to do?”

“Geez, you have so many questions,” Bakugou groaned, he ran his hand through his hair in frustration. You found your eyes scanning over his slightly damp hair. It was still standing at attention and looked incredibly fluffy.

You didn’t react at all and simply gestured for him to keep talking.

“We can meet this Sunday at three in the afternoon. Just meet me downstairs and I’ll walk us to the Cityscape I end up renting out.” He paused and looked you over. “We are going to fight.”

You let his words wash over your and you simply nodded, giving him his cue to leave. When the door finally shut and Bakugou was gone, you sighed.

You definitely needed combat training but were not excited to face the fiery hothead again. You were absolutely sure he held a grudge and would put his all into beating you.

Reluctantly, you jotted down the time in your calendar and made notes for all following Wednesdays and Sundays to close off at least part of the day to training. You weren’t sure how long this would last considering you would rather face a wide variety of people a few times than consistently work with only one person. However, you were sure it would at least last a few sessions and that you would both surely help each other get better.

~~

After dinner, which was quite delicious and filling, you stopped Momo to tell her you wanted to sign up for dinner duty.

Delighted, the hero in-training took you to her room where her computer was and showed you the schedule.

Each day was color-coded. In the description were the people cooking and the type of cuisine they would make.

“Most days are balanced with good cooks and not as great cooks,” She explained. “We keep the cuisines here for variety, but the groups have to choose 2 weeks ahead of schedule what they will be making. That way we can buy them with enough time.”

Your eyes glossed over the screen and looked at the various cuisines. Most were nights were dedicated to Japanese food except Friday, which was dedicated to pasta, Tuesday, which was dedicated to American food, and Wednesday, which was dedicated to Chinese food.

“The groups can also change the cuisine if they want,” She added after seeing you intensely scanning the days.

“Yeah,” You mumbled out. “I’m just not sure if I should go with the cuisines that would be easier for me like Tuesday or Friday. It might be nice to work on the Japanese days because I would be learning.”

Momo nodded understandably. “I’m sure everyone would be happy to work with you. I would note though that every day except Monday has 3 people. You would even out that group if you chose to and learn Japanese cuisine.”

That was Bakugou’s day, you immediately noted.

You looked at the calendar schedule and saw that he was also set to be cooking with Sero on those days.

You hummed while debating your options. “Could I try out Mondays? Maybe if I don’t like it I could move the day?”

Momo eagerly nodded. “Of course!” She moved her computer closer to you and put your name in the schedule. “Do you have their numbers?”

“Just Bakugou’s,” You quickly replied.

Momo nodded and pulled out her own phone. “Let me give you Sero’s so you can make a group chat.”

Once the kind girl gave you his number, you tentatively put him into your phone and made a group chat with the three of you. “Thank you, Momo,” You spoke while standing up to bow.

Yaoyorozu bashfully replied with a “You’re welcome.”

After a brief goodbye, you left her room and made your way back to your own. Homework… you mumbled over and over in your head as if it would make you more likely to actually get things done.

Once in your room, you posted up at your desk, laptop in front of you. However, instead of doing anything important, you stared at the blank, black screen.

After debating your actions for a few minutes, you grabbed your phone from your pocket and unlocked it.

The group chat stared back at you as you thought about what to say. You knew it was important to start the conversation, but you had no idea how to. You bit your lips and tried to calm your nerves, knowing full well that there was no reason to be anxious. However, you still felt your nerves crawl up your spine.

After way too long, you finally typed out a small message.

Hey, this is Y/N! Momo had me join you both for dinner night on Mondays. Hope that’s okay and please let me know how to help!

You immediately put your phone on silent and tossed it onto your bed, telling yourself that you needed to focus on homework.

You opened your laptop up and grabbed your notebook and pen.

You sighed before beginning an assignment. You just needed to finish it tonight so you would have time to work on your hero costume tomorrow.

[chibistarlyte]

PROMPTS! “If you don’t dance with me right now I’m going to…. be…. upset.” TodoBaku 👀👀👀👀

thank youuuuu for the prompt ilu so much 💜💜💜💜

this ended up so much longer than i anticipated...almost 2k lmfao enjoyyyyyy

.

Katsuki had spent the majority of the evening by the punch table, using it as a safe haven of sorts to avoid getting dragged into conversations he didn't want to be part of. He hated social gatherings, especially ones where the point was to mingle and make connections and do all this shit that Katsuki really didn't care about. 

He hated that hero work also involved making nice with big bosses in the business. All the schmoozing and ass-kissing to get sponsors and shit was really not his style. Katsuki preferred to have his work in the field speak for itself, thank you very much.

He'd refilled his punch cup umpteen million times at this point, and yet he still ladled in more of the horribly sweet drink. It sloshed about and leaked over the rim of the clear plastic cup, some of the sticky juice getting all over his fingers.

"Shit," he swore, setting his cup down on the table and reaching for a napkin. He wiped as much of the juice off his fingers as he could, though there was some sticky residue left that probably wouldn't come off until he washed his hands.

"Are you making a mess over here?"

Katsuki could feel his lips already pursing in irritation. He knew exactly who that voice belonged to, and one glance over his shoulder confirmed his worst assumption. 

Fucking Todoroki Shouto, looking all prim and proper in his navy-colored suit, came up right next to Katsuki at the punch table. The half-n-half bastard had a knowing smirk that made Katsuki wanna punch his perfect face.

"Fuck off, you shithead," Katsuki grumbled, picking up his cup and turning to face Todoroki. "I'm busy."

"Busy avoiding everyone, I see," Todoroki answered flatly, grabbing a clean cup for himself and scooping some punch out of the bowl.

"Obviously it's not fucking working, since you're here annoying me to death," Katsuki said, even though out of every person present at this stupid gathering, he'd rather interact with Todoroki.

Which was saying a lot, since Katsuki couldn't stand the guy.

At least, that's what he'd been telling himself since they were fucking fifteen years old. 

"I needed a breather," Todoroki admitted, placing the ladle back in the bowl with a clink. He watched Katsuki as he sipped at his punch, the intensity in his mismatched eyes putting Katsuki on edge.

"What, can't breathe with your mouth against all those peoples' asses?" Katsuki asked, earning himself a choked laugh from Todoroki. The sound was enough to draw Katsuki’s own gaze to Todoroki, and his heart stopped when he saw the mirth on the other man's face.

Katsuki wanted to punch and kiss Todoroki in equal parts. Which was a major fucking problem.

"I've never been fond of kissing asses," Todoroki said with a nonchalant shrug, though the grin at Katsuki’s comment still hadn't left his mouth. "I watched too many people do it to my father, and I just find it stupid. I'd rather earn things on my own merit rather than using false flattery to impress people."

"You and me both," Katsuki snorted, taking a sip of his punch.

They stood together in a companionable enough silence, drinking their punch and watching people mill about the party. A few minutes later, though, the lights around the room dimmed. A rectangular area in the middle of the room was illuminated with spotlights in a rainbow of colors, and there was an echoing in the speakers as the DJ tapped the microphone. 

"Alright, everyone, now that we've had time for the business end of things, who's ready to actually party?" the DJ said into the microphone. Cheers echoed feebly around the room.

The DJ tapped some buttons on their laptop and an upbeat dance song started up over the speakers. "Get your dance on!" they urged the crowd, and sure enough, a few people stepped out onto the makeshift dance floor and began jamming to the music.

Katsuki groaned and clenched his fingers around his cup, causing it to crack around the rim a little. "Fucking great," he muttered, rolling his eyes. 

"What?" Todoroki asked, raising a snow white brow. "Don't like to dance?"

"What the fuck would ever give you the goddamn idea that I do?" Katsuki said.

Todoroki just shrugged, finishing off his punch and tossing his cup into a nearby recycling bin. "Well...would you like to?"

Katsuki squinted his eyes at Todoroki. "Like to what?"

"Dance with me," Todoroki said easily, far too easily for someone who seemed to have a death wish via explosions. 

"The fuck? No!" Katsuki yelled, swiping his arm in a motion that backed up his words. "Why the hell would I ever willingly go dance in front of all these fucking people, least of all with you?"

Todoroki just shrugged again, the bastard, and said, "I thought it would be fun."

"Go dance by your fucking self, then," Katsuki growled, gesturing to the dance floor.

"That kind of defeats the purpose of dancing, don't you think?" Todoroki asked, placing a hand on Katsuki’s shoulder. It took everything Katsuki had not to flinch at the contact—not that it was unwelcome, but more so the idea of Todoroki touching him, even in the most innocent way, did weird things to his insides that he fucking hated. 

"Is there even a fucking purpose to dancing?" Katsuki countered.

"I suppose not…" Todoroki said. "But I still want to dance with you."

Katsuki was going to either faint or combust, neither option being ideal. 

"Fuck off," he growled without much heat, shrugging Todoroki’s hand off his shoulder. 

"Bakugou, if you don't dance with me right now, I'm going to...be...upset," Todoroki said flatly, but his eyes dared to look hopeful.

And that sealed Katsuki’s fate.

"Ugh, fucking fine," Katsuki said, downing the rest of his punch and chucking the cup in the recycling bin. "But only one dance."

"Perfect." Todoroki had a small smile, but that small smile lit up his entire face and Katsuki was really, really going to die right here and now.

He let Todoroki take his hand and pull him to the dance floor, where they found an empty spot near one of the back corners. Todoroki eased right into the beat of the pop song currently playing, nodding his head and popping his shoulders to the tempo. Katsuki, on the other hand, just stood there stupidly, not really knowing what to do. 

He glared at Todoroki, who just chuckled at him in return.

"Bakugou, just move to the beat, it's easy," Todoroki said, taking Katsuki’s hands in his own and swinging his arms from side to side. Katsuki immediately felt his palms sweat and prayed to whatever deity was listening that he wouldn't lose his cool and explode Todoroki’s arms off accidentally.

"This is so fucking stupid," Katsuki complained, if only to cover up his nervousness. 

"It's fun," Todoroki said, as if that statement alone would be enough to get Katsuki to change his opinion.

"Fun for you, maybe," Katsuki mumbled, tensing as Todoroki pulled himself closer to Katsuki.

The song ended and transitioned into something much softer and slower. Katsuki looked around at the other people on the dance floor, watching as they all paired up and stood close to one another. 

It was time for him to dip out. No fucking way he would be able to do a slow dance with Todoroki without making a fool of himself.

"Okay, that was your one dance," Katsuki said, yanking his hands out of Todoroki’s grasp. He immediately felt awful doing so, seeing a shadow of disappointment cross Todoroki’s face. 

"But you barely danced," Todoroki said with a frown. "I did all your dancing for you."

"Not my fault I can't fucking dance," Katsuki said, turning to leave. But he was stopped when Todoroki grabbed his hand.

"Please, Bakugou...one more dance?"

Todoroki’s voice alone was enough to crumble Katsuki’s resolve. Resigned, he sighed and turned back to Todoroki. He purposely did not look at the other man's face, afraid of what he'd see. "Fine. One more dance."

Katsuki practically felt the happiness radiating off of Todoroki when he agreed. A second later, Todoroki adjusted Katsuki’s hand in his grip and settled his other hand tenderly on Katsuki’s waist. Katsuki had to suppress a shiver at the touch.

"Put your hand on my shoulder, Bakugou," Todoroki instructed softly, and Katsuki complied.

Finally looking up at Todoroki, Katsuki felt his heart quicken at the sheer joy in those bi-colored eyes. To think that something as simple as agreeing to dance with Todoroki…

Katsuki let out an involuntary gasp as Todoroki pulled him slightly closer. The taller man swayed them both gently to the soft tune of the music, and just this once, Katsuki didn't mind Todoroki taking the lead. He followed more than willingly. 

The song came to an end faster than Katsuki expected. To his surprise, Todoroki hadn't let go of him, even as the next song started up. It was some sort of guided dance, where everyone gathered in lines and followed the prompts with specific dance moves.

"We should get out of the way," Katsuki said, his voice raspy for some fucking reason.

"Yeah," Todoroki agreed, still not letting go of Katsuki as he pulled them both off the dance floor and back to the punch table.

Katsuki looked at their still joined hands, clearing his throat loudly and praying Todoroki hadn't noticed the flush darkening his face. "Let go of my fucking hand," he grumbled, though he made no move to make Todoroki release him.

"O-Oh, sorry," Todoroki said, looking genuinely remorseful as he let go of Katsuki’s hand. 

"'S'fine," Katsuki said, shoving his sweaty hands into the pockets of his slacks. He gave Todoroki a sidelong glance and muttered, "Can't believe you conned me into two dances."

Todoroki let out a little laugh, much to Katsuki’s relief. "I can't believe it either, honestly. I didn't think you would."

"Then why'd you ask?" Katsuki asked, eyebrows shooting up to his hairline in surprise.

Todoroki gave him a disarming smile that made Kastuki’s go weak in the knees. "Because I wanted to," he said as conversationally as one would talk about the weather.

Katsuki snorted. "You fucking idiot," he said, affection bleeding into his voice against his will.

Todoroki chuckled. "An idiot who just wanted to dance with you," he amended, making Katsuki snort again.

Then, Todoroki leaned forward and gave Katsuki a shy kiss on the cheek. The gesture was over before Katsuki could even compute what had happened. As Todoroki pulled away, all Katsuki could do was blink repeatedly at the taller man in shock.

"Thanks for the dances, Bakugou," Todoroki said, giving Katsuki a small wave before turning and disappearing into the crowd.

Katsuki let out the breath that had been sitting in his lungs for the last eternity or so, feeling himself go lightheaded. His hand instinctively reached up, fingers brushing his cheek where Todoroki’s lips had just been.

"Holy shit," Katsuki breathed out.

He needed some more punch.

[etherrealoblivion]

Chapter Ten: Drink!

Table of Contents

Fic summary: Owning a bookstore in downtown D.C. came with its fair share of downsides. You never thought that being the target of a serial killer would be one of them. Luckily, a nice FBI agent by the name of Spencer Reid is assigned to watch over you. What's the worst that could happen?

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Words: 1,439

RATING: PG-13+

MASTERLIST

~

“Ooh!” you sat forward, leaning against his shoulder. “Tell me all about it!”

“About it?” Realization flashed over his face. “Oh no. No, no, no!”

“Please, please, please!” You pulled his legs up into your lap, trying to hold on as he kicked you off. “You can’t leave me hanging like that!”

“Drink!”

“What?”

“You assume I can’t leave you hanging when, in fact, I can. Drink.”

Smart-ass. 

Taking another sip, you shoved him backward. Now, you were both lying down, heads propped on each arm of the couch, facing one another. You giggled and shoved your feet in Spencer’s face.

“Pfft. Hey! Alright, my turn,” his hands were grasping your ankles now to keep you from kicking. It felt nice.

“Go.”

“When you were in the fourth grade, a boy named Sammy Pierce pulled your hair and you punched him, knocking out three of his teeth.”

Struck speechless, your mouth fell open. You’d never told anyone about that.

“How the hell—“

“—It’s in your file.”

Snatching up the pillow from the basket, you whacked him over the head.

“Ow!”

“That’s cheating!”

“It’s simply using all available resources. Drink up.”

“Ah, ah. Not quite. I did knock Sammy Pierce’s teeth out in the fourth grade, but Sammy is short for Samantha.”

Spencer’s face fell.

“I can’t believe I didn’t notice the lack of gendered pronouns in the file!”

Lifting his cup to his mouth, you said, “Just goes to show you shouldn’t assume gender.”

“You’re right that’s on me. Your turn.”

“So, you’re not a virgin.” He glanced away again, tinting pink. “How old were you?”

“That’s not an assumption.”

“You were under twenty when you lost it.”

He shook his head and you drank.

“Over twenty?”

He drank.

“Twenty-one?”

His lack of movement was your cue to drink.

“Twenty-two?”

He drank.

“Twenty-two?! Why so old?”

“I don’t know!” his tone defensive, he rambled, “It just never happened before then. Not a lot of girls liked what I have.”

“Drink!”

“What, why?”

“Oh I’m so sure that no girl would want to be with the cute, smart, tall, nerdy Doctor who kisses like—“

Trailing off, you felt Spencer tense across from you, hands releasing your ankles. The two of you hadn’t discussed the kiss at all since it happened. You figured it’d be best to ignore it and assumed he thought the same.

As smooth as possible, he cleared his throat and said, “Actually, uh, I’ve never really had someone interested in me before. Not romantically, at least.”

“But you’ve had sex, someone liked you!” 

Spencer simply looked you in the eyes, joyless expression on his face, and said, “Drink.”

A small gasp escaped your lips when you realized what that implied. So you complied, letting yourself indulge a bit.

“She didn’t like you?”

He took a sip.

“Most women tend to go for someone that they find handsome, strong, and charming. Being none of those things, I’m at a disadvantage, but, luckily, I’m apparently the perfect guy to make your boyfriend jealous. Fortunately, it worked,” he added with a derisive laugh. “At least, he was jealous enough to take it out on me.”

His eyes shone with the tears he was holding back. Before you could stop yourself, you shifted on the couch so you could hug him, laying in his arms.

Surprisingly, he didn’t tense this time like he had every other. He relaxed into the embrace instantly, wrapping his arms around you and burying his nose in your hair.

Just comfort him. You’re just comforting him. Don’t do anything else.

But, like an idiot, you lifted your head and looked at him. Your eyes met and the air was charged with the sudden tension. Faces mere inches apart, you couldn’t help glancing down at his lips.

“We should really get to sleep,” he whispered, breath soft against your cheek.

“Drink.”

He laughed softly at your joke, closing his eyes. His lashes were so long. You wondered if he could feel them against his cheek. His lips looked so soft . . . and so close . . . The mix of booze and hormones from being so close got to you, and you leaned in, pleased to see that he was too.

BOOM!

The two of you snapped apart and Spencer stood, swaying only slightly as he withdrew his gun, leaving the safety on.

“Go in your room, lock the door, don’t come out until I tell you.”

“Spencer—“

“Now!”

But you lowered his hand holding the gun, speaking calmly.

“Spencer, it’s thunder.” He froze like a deer in the headlights, staring at you. “Look.”

Pulling him to the window, you opened it, watching him watch the rain, a blank look on his face. He’s so . . . the word ‘handsome’ didn’t cut it. He was beautiful.

A lightning strike lit up the city, followed instantly by a loud thunderclap. Spencer twitched next to you.

You chuckled lightly and he looked at you, blushing.

“Are you scared of thunder?”

“On average, twenty-seven people die from lightning strikes in the U.S. every year. And that’s not counting fires caused by lightning. The odds of being struck in your lifetime are one in three-thousand, now that doesn’t sound like a lot but it is. In fact—“

“But, most lightning deaths and injuries occur in the summer. In Florida. I doubt you’re gonna get struck in the dead of winter . . . in D.C. . . . Inside.”

He laughed politely, sitting on the windowsill.

“I guess.”

You took his hand, pulling him back to the couch. And he let you.

“You wanna keep playing?” you asked him once you’d gotten comfortable (keeping a respectable distance).

“Drink.”

You laughed, taking a sip.

“Fine. We don’t have to. What do you wanna do?”

He made a noncommittal noise, shrugging then said, “You?” Upon seeing your reaction, he blushed and clarified. “I meant, I don’t know. What about you? Not . . . I mean not that . . . Um. What would you like to do?”

You smiled. The way he rambled when he was nervous was charming. It was horrible to think someone had taken advantage of him. A part of you found yourself hating the girl who’d used him to deal with her own problems.

Isn’t that what you’re doing?

Shut up!

Focusing back on his question, you said, “You made up the pillow toss game, I made up the drinking game. It’s your turn again.”

“To pick a game?”

“Or make one up!”

“I don’t know. . . . We could play poker?”

“Great! Wait, I don’t have cards.”

He pulled his duffel bag towards him and fished out a worn deck of cards.

“Lucky for you, I came prepared. What should we use for chips?”

“I have chocolates?”

“That works.”

So you stumbled onto the floor, sitting across from him as he shuffled, and divided the chocolates between you.

“You know how to play?”

Rather than answer, you took a sip of your drink, confirming his assumption.

Smiling at you, he dealt the cards.

“Alrighty. The game is five-card draw, nothing’s wild, ante is two kisses. Chocolates,” he corrected, blushing. “Chocolate kisses. You know, no one knows how kisses got their name, not even the company. The legend says it’s named for the sound the machines make during manufacturing.”

The rambling would never get old. It was the most adorable quirk ever.

“Ante in,” both of you put in the appropriate amount of chocolates, “and the person to the left of the dealer goes first.”

So you played a few rounds, Spencer winning most of them, folding when he knew he couldn’t win. It started to get tedious.

“Okay, this is not working. Your computer brain cannot be beat! Turn it off!”

“I think that would involve a lot more alcohol or a huge distraction. And I’m not comfortable ingesting any more bourbon. I need some wits about me.”

To keep you safe, was what he didn’t say. 

“A distraction, then.” A tiny lightbulb lit up your brain. “Okay, deal the cards, I have an idea.”

“What—“

“Just deal!”

So he did, you played a round and lost. But when you handed over your cards, you stripped off one of your socks and tossed it at Spencer. He caught it deftly, confused.

“This is your distraction? Throwing socks at me?”

“Nope. New rules: if you lose, you give up an item of clothing.”

Spencer went pale, staring at the purple sock in his hand.

“Y/N . . . are you suggesting . . . strip poker?”

“No. I’m playing strip poker. With you.” You shot him a mischievous smile and watched his expression as he did the math on the amount of clothes you were each wearing. 

“Deal the cards, Vegas.”

~

Taglist: @aperrywilliams @mjloveskids666 @dolanfivsosxox @criesinreid @fanficsrmylife @racerparker @sammypotato67 @lukeskisses @reidcrimes @you-had-me-at-hello-dear @l0ve-0f-my-life @thatsonezesty13​ @yourmisosoup @queenofthebees003 @pinkdiamond1016 @eu-solidao

[beauvibaby]

beautiful- b.boeser

requested [] yes [x] no

brock boeser x plus-size reader

a/n: y’all I really love this it was very self endlugent and yeah, please show it some love 🥺

You smiled, seeing a notification come up in your phone.

@bboeser tagged you in a photo

You opened up Instagram in record speed, a grin overcoming your face at the picture, you and Easton passed out on the couch, coolie and milo curled up at your feet.

“aunt y/n holding down the fort, uncle Brock just gets to watch”

You laughed to yourself at the caption, liking the photo and taking a screenshot of it. You heard the dogs jumping around downstairs, you were about to lock your phone and head downstairs to greet Brock, when you caught a glimpse of a comment. You read it, once, twice, three times, shocked that people who didn’t even know you could just be so cruel. They pointed out how chubby you looked, and how your shirt was tugged into the small roll in your stomach, it took a long time for you to become so confident, you loved yourself, and you knew Brock loved you and that’s all that mattered. But, we all know, when people point out your flaws it’s hard to not hyperfixate on them. Of course you hadn’t looked your best in the picture, you were babysitting Easton, and ended up falling asleep on the couch with him on top of you, your head tilted down to rest on top of his, which of course, made the fullness under your chin more noticeable. You suddenly found yourself chewing on your lip as you refreshed the page, scrolling through the hundred more comments, if you were being truthful, only a fraction of them were rude, most of them were sweet, but it felt like all you could see were the bad ones.

You scrolled through them, moving into the bathroom, you stood in front of the mirror, you were in a pair of leggings and a sports bra, having just been out back playing with the dogs, in the privacy of your and Brock’s yard, but suddenly you felt like you had a million pairs of eyes on you. You read a comment, pointing out the way you had the roll in your stomach, especially towards the sides, you looked in the mirror, eyes instantly falling on the spot, adorned with stretch marks. Your weight had always gone up and down, especially when you were just a young teenager, and now you were littered with stretch marks that would never go away. Not usually something that bothered you, all that you ever worried about was your health, and you were healthy, despite what people were trying to say in the comments, automatically assuming because you were full figured, that you did have a little bit of a stomach, that your thighs were nowhere near having a gap, that your arms had just a little bit of extra weight on them, that you were unhealthy. God how you hated that assumption, it was so rude to assume anyone who wasn’t the typical skinny was unhealthy. Your eyes trained on the marks on your stomach once again, your fingers delicately running over the darker lines, something Brock would do when you laid together on the couch, normally something that made you feel good. Every time he would do the subtle gesture, it made you feel good, feminine, cared for, but in this moment the thought of him ever seeing them again, made your heart jump in your chest. Surely, after reading these, he couldn’t think of you the same again. “Baby?” Brock called, his feet flopping against the stairs, you sucked in a sharp breath, meeting your eyes in the mirror and seeing the so prominent redness in them from the tears welling up. You quickly splashed some water on your face, wiping it off with a towel in an attempt to get rid of some redness, you heard him starting his way down the hallway, and you rushed to grab a shirt, even though it was unlawfully hot outside today, hence the reason you were only in the lightweight leggings and bra. You quickly tugged the material over your head, grimacing when you realized it was one of Brock’s shirts, that just didn’t fit your curves properly, I mean yeah it fit, technically, but it tugged tightly in all the wrong places.

It sat taught on your stomach, showing everything you were trying to hide, but loose in your chest where you weren’t as full as people would think you should be, you were about to tug it back off when you heard him push the door open. “There you are, you didn’t answer me and I got worried.” He sighed softly, walking up behind you, arms going around your shoulders as he pressed a kiss to your cheek. “Sorry, I spaced out.” You laughed softly, hoping your voice didn’t give you away. He hummed in acknowledgment but you could feel his eyes studying the side of your face, suddenly your thoughts wandered to how horrible your side profile must be, so you tilted your head back to meet his eyes. “I missed you, beautiful.” He mumbled, leaning to press a soft kiss to your lips. You knew he could tell something was bothering you, but you also knew that he could tell you were desperately trying to hide it, he knew how to react when you were like this, he would wait and ask you later, give you a chance to process your own emotions first. “I missed you.” You whispered once he pulled away, you shuffled out of his grip, “I’m going to shower.” You added, disappearing into the bathroom, unknowingly giving him an idea of what could be bothering you, because you shut and locked the door, something neither of you have done for as long as you could remember. He stared at the door for a minute, a small frown on his face as his mind wandered with all the possibilities, you hadn’t seemed upset with him, so he was almost certain he hadn’t unknowingly done something. So that left his other option, someone had said something, he knew people were cruel, and he knew it was part of his life being in the spotlight, but he hated that he had drug you down in it with him. But all he wanted to do was show off the amazing girl that he was so lucky to call his, and the fact that he couldn’t do that without being respected, that really bothered him, because you deserved to be bragged about, you deserved to be filling more of his social media than you were. It was rare that he posted things with you, simply because he knew how it could bother you, but his heart swelled with so much pride when he got the picture of you and his nephew, it only reminded him how much he wanted that with your own kids one day.

He hadn’t realized how long he was standing there thinking about it until he heard the water shut off, and he scrambled to get out of there, not wanting you to know he’d been standing there the whole time. He rushed out of the room, doing his best to stay quiet as you unlocked the bathroom door. You stepped out, towel wrapped tightly around your body, you did a quick once over, looking for him before you stepped out, you went and grabbed some clean lounge clothes, not planning on leaving the house today, but you made sure the ones you grabbed fit you properly. Once you were satisfied enough with your appearance, you trudged down the stairs, coolie rushing over to jump at you while milo slept in his bed. You laughed stopping to pet him, when you looked up you spotted Brock rummaging around in the kitchen, he undoubtedly had to be hungry, just coming back from playing golf with some friends. You were hungry, waiting for him to come home to eat, but now you cringed a little at the thought, not in the way where you wanted to not eat, but your stomach was still in knots from reading those comments. “Hi, baby.” You spoke up, walking past him, opening the fridge and pulling out a water. “Hi.” Brock responded, looking over at you with a grin, you couldn’t help but smile back, his smile was so contagious. “Why are you so smiley?” You teased softly, stepping over towards his outstretched arms, he all but yanked you into him, your chin resting on his chest so you could look up at him. “Mhm, ‘cause I get to spend the rest of the day at home with my girl.” He mumbled, lips ghosting over your forehead, you let your eyes flutter shut for a moment. But it didn’t last long when his finger tips dipped underneath your shirt, his fingers running over your skin soothingly, “don’t do that.” He whispered when you tried to shimmy away from him. “What?” You gasped, feeling like you’d been caught red handed.

“The picture I posted, I know people are just so fucking rude, but you can’t listen to them baby, because none of what they say is true.” He spoke sternly, but softly, one hand staying on your waist, the other coming up to cup your cheek. “But it is true, the way my stomach rolls in on the side, and how chubby my face is, and my thighs rub together and-“ “stop it, you’re beautiful, inside and out.” He cut you off, his brows knit together slightly. “Baby girl, I love you, and everything you just said that you didn’t like.” He continued, watching as your breathing hitched momentarily, “I love it when you know I’m having a bad day and you make me lay my head in your lap, or when we’re going on long drives and I just grab your leg and rub it while you go to sleep. I love squeezing your beautiful face to make you give me a kiss when you’re being goofy,” he paused to do just that, a hand on either side of your face, squeezing together and making your lips fall into a soft pout that he kissed. “And I love grabbing you just like this,” his hands went back to your sides, gripping you snuggly, “so I can hold you close and not let you go.” He concluded, “no, you’re not supposed to cry, baby.” He pouted softly when you looked at him with big watery eyes. “I love you.” You whispered hiding your face in his neck, “I love you too, so much.” He laughed softly, feeling your tears fall on his skin. “Please don’t cry anymore.” He nudged your head with his own, “they’re happy tears.” You sniffled, pulling back to look at him. “How’d I get so lucky?” You wondered aloud, “I should be asking the same thing.”

taglist: @jmaybanks​ @softstarkey​ @literarycharleton​ @mtkachuk​ @wtfkie​

[she-wolf-of-highgarden]

First off i want to say that i think calling someone a misogynist based on their feelings for one character is wrong. You don’t know people and to make assumptions like that is unfair. I don’t really care who the character is. That being said i do think social norms can paint how we view certain situations. I also think traditional (Western) gender roles play a role in how we view the incident at the Trident aka that one time where the adults present were useless and irresponsible. 

Who is responsible for the Trident and who gains sympathy is really interesting. I’m not going into responsibility because it was 100% the adults and Joffrey who the problem here. Who gains sympathy from the fandom, though is interesting. We fight over it. A lot. And the more i think about it, the more i think i can understand where some of it comes from. Key word, of course, being “some”, I’m not about to sit here and tell you why you think the way you do. 

By (western) social standards, Sansa is the more sympathetic character. She is one of the most sympathetic things you can be. She is a little girl who just lost her pet and is crying. The important part is the crying. She doesn’t get mad until later, at the jump she is crying. 

“ Robert had hardly been seen; the talk was he was traveling in the huge wheelhouse, drunk as often as not. If so, he might be hours behind, but he would still be here too soon for Ned's liking. He had only to look at Sansa's face to feel the rage twisting inside him once again. The last fortnight of their journey had been a misery. Sansa blamed Arya and told her that it should have been Nymeria who died. And Arya was lost after she heard what had happened to her butcher's boy. Sansa cried herself to sleep, Arya brooded silently all day long, and Eddard Stark dreamed of a frozen hell reserved for the Starks of Winterfell.” - Ned IV, AGoT

It’s a normal human reaction. Of course we sympathize with her (or at least we should). What’s interesting is that we see a bit less sympathy for Arya or something added to it, like “yea i feel bad but she was at fault”. We see people who say that Nymeria should go to Sansa because of the Trident or Arya should be forgiven for it because she was so young. It feels like half of the fandom forgets Arya was sad, she was depressed. The difference between her and Sansa, though, is that Arya gets mad too. Look again at the end of the Ned IV quote. 

“Robert had hardly been seen; the talk was he was traveling in the huge wheelhouse, drunk as often as not. If so, he might be hours behind, but he would still be here too soon for Ned's liking. He had only to look at Sansa's face to feel the rage twisting inside him once again. The last fortnight of their journey had been a misery. Sansa blamed Arya and told her that it should have been Nymeria who died. And Arya was lost after she heard what had happened to her butcher's boy. Sansa cried herself to sleep, Arya brooded silently all day long, and Eddard Stark dreamed of a frozen hell reserved for the Starks of Winterfell.” - Ned IV, AGoT

Even Jory points out that it’s weird. 

“They have been with you every day, my lord. Sansa prays quietly, but Arya …" He hesitated. "She has not said a word since they brought you back. She is a fierce little thing, my lord. I have never seen such anger in a girl.” -  Ned X, AGoT

Arya doesn’t do what we expect her to do. She doesn’t weep or cry until later. First she gets quiet and angry.

“Only that was Winterfell, a world away, and now everything was changed. This was the first time they had supped with the men since arriving in King's Landing. Arya hated it. She hated the sounds of their voices now, the way they laughed, the stories they told. They'd been her friends, she'd felt safe around them, but now she knew that was a lie. They'd let the queen kill Lady, that was horrible enough, but then the Hound found Mycah. Jeyne Poole had told Arya that he'd cut him up in so many pieces that they'd given him back to the butcher in a bag, and at first the poor man had thought it was a pig they'd slaughtered. And no one had raised a voice or drawn a blade or anything, not Harwin who always talked so bold, or Alyn who was going to be a knight, or Jory who was captain of the guard. Not even her father.” - Arya II, AGoT

In fact she gets so angry that she pummels Sansa when Sansa is trying to tell her side of the story. 

“You rotten!" Arya shrieked. She flew at her sister like an arrow, knocking Sansa down to the ground, pummeling her. "Liar, liar, liar, liar.” - Ned III, AGoT

 We can forget that she went through something as well. We forget that it must have been scary being 9 years old and hiding for three days in the woods. We forget Arya also lost her direwolf. Just because she’s alive doesn’t mean she’s there. We forget Arya is dealing with the loss of her friend. Arya is dealing with a lot of guilt and isn’t until we get to Arya II where we see her break down. 

“Arya desperately wanted to explain, to make him see. "I was trying to learn, but …" Her eyes filled with tears. "I asked Mycah to practice with me." The grief came on her all at once. She turned away, shaking. "I asked him," she cried. "It was my fault, it was me …” - Arya II, AGoT

And it isn’t until Sansa III where we see Sansa lose her cool. The interesting part of Sansa III is that Sansa looks at her little sister who had missing in the woods and tells her it should have been you that died, but the fandom tends to focus on the fruit aspect of it. Why? Because it is easy to deal with. Arya messed up something Sansa worked very hard on and cherished and she is at her wits end. It is much easier dealing with that than her anger. We gloss over what she says because it can be explained away. She was just angry, but she isn’t usually like that. She can’t get angry at the people she should truly be angry at. Besides the adults don’t seem overly bothered. Why should we be? 

Sansa’s grief is easier to deal with and to an extent what she goes through is easier for us to process because we have a clear villain and she has the correct responses. Her trauma is awful and we can pretty easily point out who is at fault. Arya’s gets harder for us to deal with because she becomes harder and disillusioned and doesn’t respond the way we have been taught she should. It is also harder to deal with because it isn’t as easy and x and y and z. She’s starving because during the war the Riverlands burned. She’s being beaten and made into a child soldier, but at least the HoBaW took her in. 

Because Arya isn’t delicate and meek and completely social conforming, we don’t think she is entitled to the same protection or sympathy as girls like Sansa.

[kyuuppi]

Bad Day

Pairing: Orihara Izaya x Reader

Genre: hurt/comfort, mild fluff

Word Count: 2.3k

Everyone has a bad day eventually. 

In the fast-paced style of Ikebukuro, a city known for its stretches of high rise office buildings where corrupt politicians and businessmen appear to rule by day but a variety of notorious street gangs reign by nightfall, turbulence is almost expected. Whether it be a rainy day without an umbrella or a run in with an angry blond bartender with superhuman strength, there are a multitude of unfortunate events that could occur in Ikebukuro to minorly inconvenience and sour your day.

The problem is when they all happen at once.

What has become possibly the worst day of your life began the night before. The apartment above yours happens to house a group of rowdy college boys who deemed Wednesday night an appropriate time for a party. The constant booms of a heavy bass speaker accented with the occasional slurred yelling ensured a night of restlessness for you and it was not until well after 3am that you finally fell asleep—which incidentally led to you sleeping through your 7am alarm for work. Despite arriving less than ten minutes late—your first time arriving late for work ever—your team manager gave you an earful about the importance of maintaining “a good work ethic” in front of half of your coworkers. Naturally, you were irritated. However, as a generally cheerful and optimistic person, you figured the worst was over and promised to treat yourself to a nice lunch to make up for it...

...until your designated lunchtime rolled around and you found yourself standing in the lobby staring out at the torrents of rain crashing down from the sky.

You didn’t have an umbrella. 

After choosing between ending up soaked or starving for the next five hours of work, you stood at the cash register of the nearest convenience store, drenched head to toe with a sandwich and bottled water in hand. 

That was when you realized you’d forgotten your wallet in the office. 

By the end of the day you were left exhausted, hungry, and with a throbbing headache that left your eyes stinging with suppressed tears as your trudged home, shuffling around leftover rain puddles. 

At a crosswalk you were forced to pause as the pedestrian light turned red to let cars pass. Despite being in the middle of the business district on a Thursday evening there were not many other people around. You suspected it had to do with the rain earlier. 

To pass time you pulled your cell phone out of your purse and proceeded to check your notifications. There were a few standard messages—one new follower on Instagram, a reblog of one of your posts on Tumblr, your family asking if you’d be coming home for Christmas this year—but there was also a text message sent from a person that had your heart shamelessly skipping a beat. 

New Message From: Orihara Izaya

The name alone affects you to an unhealthy degree but, honestly, you’re far from the only one. Izaya is the most dangerous man in Ikebukuro, as an information broker there is not a thing about the city he does not know. Every person, every interaction, every dirty deed—he knows it all. If you didn’t know any better you’d suspect he could quite literally read minds.

Your suspicion was for good reason—when you first moved to Ikebukuro from your small town six months ago you had immediately become a subject of Izaya’s tormenting. From day one he had hired people to follow you, watching your every move without your knowledge and throwing you into mildly traumatizing situations until you felt you were at your breaking point...except you never broke. No matter how many horrible things happened to you, no matter how many nights you spent crying yourself to sleep, you always greeted the next day with a smile. Eventually, realizing you would not be as easy to manipulate as many of his other “precious humans,” he decided to meet with you personally and from there your relationship with each other shifted from bully and victim into...something else. 

You were startled out of your thoughts by the melodic beeping of the pedestrian light, signaling it was safe to cross the street now. Stepping off the sidewalk and into the road you look back down at your phone, just about to unlock the screen when you hear the loud screeching of rubber followed by a horrified shout of “WATCH OUT!” You looked up just in time to see a black car skidding full speed right towards you.

You froze, like a deer caught in headlights, as the car got closer and closer until you could make out the terrified features of the driver, equally as helpless to stop the vehicle as you were. You hadn’t even been able to process the thought that you might die yet when a strong pair of arms wrapped around your waist and hauled you just a few paces to the left and out of harm's way as the car swerved to the right and crashed into a light pole.

Your gaze snapped away from the car to the body behind you and found Heiwajima Shizuo, decked out in his usual dark shades and bartending uniform, his arms still wrapped protectively around your waist. He was panting, having obviously run over to save you as you had not seen him anywhere nearby before.

“You okay?” he asked as he let you go, eyes never once leaving the now smoking car a few feet away from you two. Despite your relationship with his least favorite person in the universe, the two of you got along well enough and he seemed to respect you as an unexpectedly kind person among a city of darkness and sin.

You barely managed to stutter out an affirmative before he left your side in favor of approaching the driver—who miraculously seemed to still be alive albeit panicked at an obviously seething Shizuo’s appearance, leaving you to wonder if the driver had been trying to escape the hot-headed blond when he ran the red light. The stacks of money you think you can see in the backseat along with the distant sound of approaching police sirens only further validate your assumptions and you quickly pick up your fallen purse to make a break for it before you get caught up in another dangerous situation. 

As you crouch down for the black leather strap of your purse you find your expensive new cell phone right beside it, broken into a million pieces of glass and metal. 

…

By the time you reach the door of your apartment there are hot tears rolling down your cheeks and it takes all of your remaining energy to unlock the door through blurred vision. As you stumble through the threshold, weakly pushing the door behind yourself and dropping your purse, the idea of collapsing onto your bed and completely disappearing from the world for the rest of the night is the only thing keeping you sane. 

But of course, you’re not afforded even that simple luxury as, before you can make it to the bed situated in the corner of your cramped studio, a shadowy figure exits the kitchen and makes himself known. 

“My, my,” he lilts, “someone doesn’t look too happy.” 

You hate that regardless of how exhausted you are, the familiar voice sends shivers down your spine and seems to awaken something deep within your gut that resembles the butterflies you heard about in all those Disney romance movies.

Except Izaya was more the sadistic evil villain than the dashing prince charming.

You swiftly rub at your face, as if it wasn’t already blaringly obvious that you had been crying. Sniffling, you force your lips into the weakest smile in history as you face the smug man casually leaning against the counter. 

“H-hey, Izaya,” you murmur.

He gazes at you for a few moments, expression unreadable as his eyes dance around your nervous form. You feel awkward and bare, as if he was able to see things about you that even you yourself couldn’t see. You’re just about to speak again, likely a string of nonsensical small talk just for the sake of breaking the tension, when Izaya beats you to it. He uses one foot to push himself off of the counter and take the four steps required to stand right in front of you, his brownish-red eyes glinting almost mysteriously in the street lights outside of the window. 

For a moment you feel as if you are under a spell, held captive under the unwavering stare of a man who, despite physically being less than an arm’s length away, seems to be far beyond the reach of any human being, let alone a simple girl like yourself. 

He smirks and it sends your heart racing.

“Your mascara is running.”

An embarrassingly loud sob escapes your lips before you’re diving head-first into his chest, wrapping your arms around his slim waist as cries wrack your frame. His words were far from sweet or comforting, and certainly not an invitation for a hug, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to care. He is dangerous, you think. No matter what he said or did to you, you have a feeling you would always come running back into his arms. The man who hurt you the most in the beginning was now the person who made you feel the most secure. 

Izaya chuckles before one hand comes up to smooth your undoubtedly ruffled, damp hair while the other remains deep in the pocket of his fur-trimmed parka. It was always like this. In the six months you’ve known him, the last three of which you could maybe consider you two “dating” (or as close to dating as Izaya would ever get), he never initiated any physical contact. If you wanted physical affection you had to muster up the courage to act on it yourself, whether it be hugging, kissing, or even holding hands. He never initiated but he also never rejected your advances. He would return your actions, oftentimes with a teasing remark about how desperate you must be or how irresistible you must find him. He was always right. 

You find peace in the steady thumps of his heartbeat and the gentle fingers carding through your hair until your sobs have finally calmed down into shallow breathing and your headache no longer feels like jackhammer in your brain. Your eyes are just beginning to droop when he pulls back, making you whine pathetically in protest. 

“Oh dear, you’re being awfully needy today,” he taunts as he steps back. 

However, instead of leaving like you expect, he grabs your forearms in each hand, walking you forwards until the two of you reach your bed. He lets go of you to push the small mountain of rumpled blankets to the side (you had left your bed unmade this morning when you were running late for work) before gently but firmly forcing you to sit on the mattress. 

“I believe it’s way past someone’s bedtime. Wouldn’t want to be late for work again tomorrow, hm~?” 

You glance at the alarm clock on your bedside. It is nearly two hours before the time you usually go to bed, and you know Izaya is aware of that as well, but you don’t question it. Instead you savor the rare care Izaya seems to be showing you tonight and lie down properly, trying to hold back a giddy grin when he covers you in the blankets like a child. 

He straightens up once you’re properly tucked in and moves to step away again but your hands shoot out to grab the hem of his jacket without thinking. He raises a brow in silent question, his unnerving smirk still in place. Your cheeks immediately heat up, silently cursing yourself at your impulsiveness. No going back now. 

“Um...can you, uh...stay with me tonight?” you ask weakly, unable to maintain eye contact. 

He merely chuckles, easily escaping your weak grasp. 

“As much as I would love to keep my little human company tonight, I have some work to do.”

You don’t bother asking what he means by “work’; you already know. At a time like this it almost certainly has something to do with one of the many illegal gangs and drug cartels that run the streets of Ikebukuro during nighttime. You vaguely remember hearing reports on the news recently of a well-known CEO under investigation for money laundering and his connections with a major gang. If the public was just now finding out you know Izaya has known the intricate details for months or is possibly even directly involved in the operation as a catalyst. It was not uncommon for Izaya to stir up trouble among high-profile politicians and businessmen for fun.

You can only wordlessly pout as you watch him slip away and out of your apartment just as suddenly as he had appeared. You succumb to sleep before the door even shuts.

…

The next morning you awaken before your alarm, feeling much more refreshed and alive than you’d felt in a long time. You go about your morning routine as usual but with a visible pep to your step. As you get dressed you contemplate visiting a cafe for breakfast before work with your extra time. Maybe you’ll order the strawberry pancakes, or the blueberry scones...perhaps even both. 

It isn’t until you walk into the sitting area to retrieve the purse you had left on the floor last night that you see the object sitting on your coffee table. As you approach you gasp at the realization of what it is: a brand new cellphone—the same model as the one that had been destroyed last night. When hesitant hands you pick it up and watch as the screen comes to life, displaying a single text message that brings a bright smile to your face.

New Message From: Orihara Izaya

>You really need to be more careful next time, y/n-chan~

[brabe]

WHAT IF... MURATA UGETSU HAS BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER?

“Murata Ugetsu was by no means detached from life- nor was he free of worries and grief, he had feelings too- the same as anyone else... But, unlike ordinary people, his heart and his emotions were overflowing.

While I listened to Ugetsu’s music that day—to the sudden flood of music-feeling that was amplified so many times more than usual, I found myself wondering — how... just how was this child prodigy able to live...?

Be it joy, or sorrow, or suffering, Ugetsu lived with feelings which were much more complex, and exponentially larger than those of ordinary people- just accumulating it all within himself.” (Chapter 17)

Murata Ugetsu’s introduction struck a chord with me right away because I recognized the feelings described all too well. So, I asked myself, what if?

 After finishing the anime, I read all the chapters of the manga mainly because I wanted to know more about this intriguing character, and I only kept finding clues that reinforced my initial assumption.

 I am hyperfixated on mental health issues, in part wanting to find characters to relate to, so here is my reading of Murata Ugetsu. I wonder if anyone came to the same conclusion as me.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is an illness marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behaviour. These symptoms often result in impulsive actions and problems in relationships with other people. A person with borderline personality disorder may experience episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last from a few hours to days. In general, someone with a personality disorder will differ significantly from an average person in terms of how they think, perceive, feel or relate to others.

“People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.” (Marsha Linehan, Professof of Psicology, who has BPD herself and developed the most effective therapy to date for this disorder).

There are many categories of symptoms for this disorder and I reckon Ugetsu manifests the following:

A pattern of unstable relationships swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation):

The most glaringly obvious one is, of course, the relationship with Akihiko. 

“Right after Ugetsu has been away from home for some time, there is a honeymoon phase which lasts a few days. It’s as if we have returned to the past... And then out of the blue, it happens—as if he’s saying, yes, this is a great chance—let's take this opportunity, quit being together and break for real this time. Like he is in a rush... Like I am not needed. Like—he is forcibly shutting me out from his world.” (Chapter 19)

“Him and I... We have been causing each other nothing but despair for almost two years now.” (Chapter 17)  

It’s also notable the lack of other relationships. When Mafuyu asks him, why Ugetsu was confiding in him, even though they were virtually strangers, Ugetsu replies: “Because I don’t have any friends! Perhaps, I really just wanted someone to understand... Just a little bit is enough.” (Chapter 17)

He is actually really kind towards Mafuyu, opening his home to him, freely helping him with music anytime Mafuyu wants even though he is a world-renowned musician and even letting him practice at his house while he is not there. We know he does that because he recognizes the genius in Mafuyu, but still, I think he actually would like to have friends; he probably just doesn’t know how to. We know that Akihiko was his first friend and evidently years later still the only one close to him.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger, often followed by guilt and shame:

Ugetsu gets suddenly physically violent with Akihiko two times (and a third one is implied when Haruki first saw Akihiko and he had a bruised cheekbone). He throws a glass on the floor when Mafuyu visits him because Akihiko still hasn’t come back home. He seemingly inexplicably smashes the mug Akihiko gifted him: “Around the time we had just started to live together, when he brought me my first present, somehow... I hated that very much, and I refused it saying—’I don’t want it!’ Even though it was only a mug. Back then, I should’ve just said—’I’m happy. I want to be with him.’” (Chapter 17)

I believe the last one was a dissociative episode, another symptom of BPD, a trance-like state in which one is disconnected from their own mind, body and surroundings. Then the switch turns back on and Ugetsu suddenly starts crying, crouching on the floor, staring blankly at the broken pieces and picking them up, asking himself why, just why did I do this?

The guilt and shame aspect is also shown, when after having recounted his history with Akihiko to Mafuyu, Ugetsu leans his head on the steering wheel of his car remembering everything, clearly in grief, and thinking to himself: “Really... He is a good guy, isn’t he.” (Chapter 17). Here I want to indeed praise Akihiko and underline how well he dealt with Ugetsu’s dissociative episode. He didn’t freak out and lash out at Ugetsu, calling him crazy, but instead he tried to diffuse the situation, laughing and helping Ugetsu to pick up the pieces of the broken mug. As if to say, ‘it’s okay.’

Desperate efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment:  

One way of doing this is leaving the other person before they leave you, which is exactly what Ugetsu does or tries to do. He is terrified that Akihiko will leave him definitely one day, but at the same time he actively tries to make him leave: “I’m the lowest son of a bitch towards Akihiko and I guess he resents me, y’know... But I love him to death.” (Chapter 17)

“I’ve been pushing him away but he hasn’t given up on me at all. I’ve been trying to leave him every chance I get. But it seems like I’m still not good at doing that, so... I’ve always been waiting for him to let go of me.” (Chapter 17)

“What if he never came back, just like that? I’ve thought about it countless times. Yet, I’m still not able to imagine it. Tomorrow, he might come back all of a sudden? Or maybe he won’t? But, just the same, I want this suffering to end. But on second thought, I don’t really want that. All the stuff that’s in this room right now, the thought that everything might disappear... Will nothing... Not one thing remain?” (Chapter 27)

Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self:  

It’s fair to say the core obstacle in his relationship with Akihiko. Ugetsu’s whole existence is ingrained irrevocably in music. It is what gives his life purpose and the outlet with which he deals with his too intense emotions. Which leads me to wonder what would happen if for some reason he lost music. And I am not positive he would survive that.

“After we graduated from high school—at the time, when I was actively performing as a musician... one day all of a sudden I realized, the existence of the other—was the one thing we both chased after the most in this world. As long as Akihiko is with me, I’ll be unable to become free with my music.” (Chapter 17)

Ugetsu felt as if he was losing himself and his music in his love for Akihiko, which brings to the unstable sense of self. This terrified him. Love is messy for everyone and anyone but with BPD emotions are plugged into an amplifier and dialled up to the maximum (“But for my heart to be touched like that”). He can’t deal with all of this and the fight-or-flight response is triggered and “Let’s end this already.” (Chapter 17)

Black-or-white thinking:  

People with BPD often struggle to see the complexity in people and situations and are unable to recognize that things are often not either perfect or horrible, but are something in between. This can lead to "splitting," which refers to an inability to maintain a cohesive set of beliefs about oneself and others. Ugetsu seems to be obsessed with perfection and probably to be a world-renowned violinist you need to be to a certain degree. But for example, when asked by Akihiko to come to the band’s first live, he replies with: “Is it at a level that you can show me? Ah... it’s not at a level where you can reply to me right away... then, I won’t come. There’s no point watching a performance if the performer doesn’t have the confidence to do it well.” (Chapter 8)

Ugetsu doesn’t exist in the in-betweens. There is pefection or worthlessness, love or hate, music or Akihiko.

Depression:

Ugetsu manifests many symptoms of depression.

He is either practicing the violin or sleeping. 

He seems to undereat. Almost in every panel in which they are at home, Akihiko worries about whether Ugetsu has eaten or not, and always offers to cook for him, implying that Ugetsu wouldn’t bother if left to his own devices.  

He is untidy and careless to some degree. At the violin concerto where Ugetsu is the soloist, Akihiko exclaims: “Again? That idiot... His hair is a mess.” (Chapter 15) implying that it isn’t the first time that Ugetsu appears somewhat shabby at a formal event, in which furthermore he is the star. This fact in particular surprised me because I had the impression that Ugetsu was vain.

This neglectfulness also reflects in his living space. Once Akihiko leaves, the house is in complete disarray. When Akihiko comes back to say he will move out, the debris of the glass Ugetsu smashed when Mafuyu visited are still there.

Last but not least, Ugetsu lives in a soundproofed basement in semidarkness, a fortress of solitude of sorts from the outside world.

Suicidal thoughts or threats:  

“Well, when I was a kid, I used to go to some unknown old man’s plantation on my own, and I enjoyed killing bugs by squishing them with my right hand, y’know... Then, on one clear sunny day, I happened to listen to some music playing on that old man’s radio. It was ‘In the flow of time’ by Paul Simon... Yet even though I was only a kid, I thought, wow... I want to die... It’s a good day, isn’t it? Well, there were other things too, but somehow, I wonder If I’ve basically been chasing that feeling of dying from back then...” (Chapter 21.5)

Well, this passage speaks for itself. In some capacity Ugetsu has been pondering on death, has been chasing it, since he was a small child. I think this can be linked to the BPD symptom of chronic feelings of emptiness.

Impulsive, self-destructive and sensation-seeking behaviours:  

In this category I think we can include the sleeping around in which Ugetsu engages. While not a harmful behaviour in itself, I think the motive is. Ugetsu has been systematically sleeping around for two years not because he actually wants to and it makes him feel good, but he does it to spite Akihiko and as a coping mechanism to try and get over him. This wouldn’t do good to anyone’s mental health and self-worth.

“Ugetsu and I fought all the time, even after we broke up. That... was because of his timing when it came to finding a new man... It was as though he was doing to spite me.” (Chapter 19)

Intense and highly changeable moods:

Simply, all of the above.

This is all for now. I will edit this list if future chapters will shed more light on the mind and heart of this character that I have come to care so deeply about.

[transformersvn]

Thoughts on Transformers: War For Cybertron - Earthrise

My thoughts on this are less cohesive than last time, so I hope you're ready for a long ramble as I try to figure out exactly what I think about the series.

Tl;dr - still looks really pretty, but Siege’s weak writing hasn't improved.

Spoilers below the cut.

Earthrise generally suffers from being part 2 of 3. It's focused on getting characters from point A (Cybertron) to point B (Earth) and doesn't really do much in the meantime. You could've cut episodes 4 and 5 and it wouldn't have affected the plot all that much.

Megatron and Optimus

They need to stop having fights. It'd be best for their characters and the plot if they hadn't spent several minutes pointing guns at each other and saying that *this* time they were actually going to kill them. Just follow through already and if you can't then keep them apart until the climax.

Optimus getting distracted by Cog running up and going 'Optimus! What are you doing?!' was stupid. Cog should've been glad that Optimus was finally at the point where he wouldn't sacrifice every last Autobot to save Megatron if given the opportunity.

Them being trapped together was pointless and stupid (aside from that one screenshot we all made). Megatron's point that Optimus keeps screwing up and it's Megatron who pays the price was interesting - but it was surrounded by so much nonsense that it fell flat.

Speaking of…

Autobot Decepticon teamups

Are they trying to lean towards ending the series with mutual cooperation and peace? Their 'we all need to work together' moments were always horribly shoehorned and the Autobots didn't once try to put measures in place to defend themselves when the Decepticons inevitably betrayed them.

I like hero/villain teamups, but it doesn't work if the heroes are stupid about them.

Scorponok fight

There is a big room with a big enemy in. The Autobots have shut themselves in a corridor on one side of the room. They need to reach the other side of the room without getting killed. Whose idea was it to try and kill Scorponok instead of just evasive maneuvers to the other side of the room?!?

To be fair, Optimus did try and run distraction, but Bumblebee decided that was a stupid plan and standing still and shooting at the enemy - that none of their blasters had even scratched - was a better one.

It was a stupid fight. If they wanted a Megatron/Optimus moment so badly then, hey, the Autobots have rigged the station to blow and the Decepticons don't know that - have Megatron set off an explosion by accident and trap him and Optimus (who could've been diving forward to try and stop Megatron, thereby getting close).

The Dead Universe

You could've replaced this with Optimus getting a vision from the Matrix and Megatron having a short visit from future!Galvatron. It wasted time that could've been spent on actual character development.

Skylynx had about 3 lines that he just repeated variants of the whole episode.

Was it clear to anyone who hadn't seen the 1986 movie exactly what the Megatron/Galvatron link was? They were pretty vague about it.

Also, if Skylynx's advice made Optimus go 'hmm, yes, I should stop looking back and actually kill Megatron to prevent my own death', then Galvatron's advice to Megatron should've made him go 'I don't hate Prime this much/if he’s dedicated all his effort into stopping Prime and still failed, there must be another way'. I suppose, he didn’t kill Optimus when given a perfect opportunity, but that also just felt like an extension of their endless *points gun* “one-liner” *tables are turned* cycle.

Elita

Poor, poor, badly written Elita. She can't get anything done without Jetfire - the big strong man - questioning her or being the one to save the day, or making a desperate plan to try and fight their way out of captivity when they're going to be sacrificed, but we never see their escape attempt.

I don't think she acts like someone who is on a doomed planet. Breaking into prisons camps makes less sense than trying to find a way to fix things. Let her fail, fine, but give her a fighting chance to try and reignite Cybertron or, say, find someone who is rumoured to be able to create synthetic energon - which could've been a reason for prison breaks at least.

And it was probably meant to be read differently, but Elita's silence over her name when Megatron called her Ariel to her face, versus Optimus snarling that ‘her name is Elita-1!′ when Megatron used 'Ariel' around him, kinda makes me wonder whose decision it was to rename her.

Cog

They don't get to make me sad about a character death when that character had previously stopped Optimus from finally trying to kill Megatron and also failed to just bloody shoot Deeceus. And had he really taken the enemy ship? Really?

Misc

We never found out why the station was trapped halfway through the Spacebridge.

Optimus's voice actor still sounds like a bad Batman when he's angry, though he might've gotten away with it if Megatron's voice actor didn't have such a good "Prime" snarl.

Everyone is miserable, which isn't necessarily a bad thing in a series about the struggles of war, but when it's aimed at kids you have to ask the question: are they enjoying it? It is fun to watch?

Ultra Magnus's head was sort of flagged up as important - specifically its location was noted by Elita - but never appeared again once Megatron left Cybertron. Did he take it with him?

For having such a hard-on for the 1986 movie, their decision to have Megatron beg for mercy (something quite out of character for this version of Megatron) and not include Optimus's 'you who are without mercy now plead for it?' line was a weird whiplashy moment.

Showing Glavatron and Unicron in the trailer when they literally appear for one episode and five second respectively was seriously false advertising. When did people forget that watching a trailer is supposed to give you an idea of the type/style of plot the media is supposed to deliver?

The editing is bad in several places. There were often moments where there would be an explosion in place A, then it'd cut to a battered character in place B getting up in a ruined room, making it look like they'd been in said explosion. Confusing in a series where palette-swapping and similar character designs already make it difficult for newcomers to tell what's going on.

The velociraptor-bot at the end looked like 90's CGI and I really hope Kingdom doesn't all look like that.

If Hot Rod doesn't show up and get the Matrix in Kingdom I'm going to be severely disappointed.

Starscream really likes speechifying to a tiny audience. He makes his bid to become leader in front of a nameless Decepticon, Soundwave, Ravage, and an injured Megatron - who promptly shoots him. I have to admit that he’s probably the character they did best by, his coup moments were pretty good and captured Starscream as we all know him.

Like the question of what exactly was under siege in Siege, Earthrise only gets to Earth at the end of the last episode.

Wheeljack felt weirdly useless. He didn’t get to go through with his plan of blowing up the station and couldn’t open a pair of blast doors that Soundwave had 0 problems with. After not being the one to fix the Spacebridge in Siege, he’s not feeling much like an engineer.

You had to guess motivations and plans and fairly often piece things together backwards after the fact. Having an idea of who everyone was made that easier for me than for non-fans, but I still ended up running on incorrect assumptions about what people were going to do and why.

...

So, there you go. I guess I’m still going to watch Kingdom when it comes out, but I think I’ve lost all my optimism for it being any good.