#and i tried to convey that perspective change here :) i hope it comes across by the two different spellings <3

[onewingedsparrow]

Six Sentence Sunday

Tagged by @novafire-is-thinking! Thank you! <3 I know this was a tag from a while ago, but here it is, finally, lol Rise of the Beasts has inspired me greatly, so I wanted to write something for it ✨ ~ Optimus stared intently at the projection Arcee’s visor was generating. Such a curious hologram it was—some sort of oblong, hunched-over being, with narrow but chunky appendages, and transparent protrusions on its back, boasting a fuzzy frame splashed with bold markings of black and yellow. “B,” said Optimus Prime, “what is this creature that you are showing me?” As the knobby horns of his helmet perked, the young bot straightened his back; his optics seemed to shine brighter as a soft, shy voice answered from his radio, “Bumblebee.” So this is what you spoke of, Optimus realized, as even this small piece of new knowledge transformed his entire perspective towards the name he had never before understood. He then touched a hand to his friend’s shoulder, fully aware of how his voice became huskier as he replied, “Your human friend chose aptly...’Bee.” ~ Tagging (only if you want!) @louwhose @maqiisan @afaroffsong @flutefemme @zelzenik and anybody else who wants to join ;) Also tagging @novafire-is-thinking in case you wanted to do this again! :D

[princessmariaphiliper]

THE SLEEPOVER FIC | Part 1 The Meeting

Notes: James Acaster, Ed Gamble (Platonic), and other characters to be added.

Pairing: James Acaster x Reader 

Genre: Fluff with eventual smut, Slow Burn fic

Words: 1,951

Summary: You and James have put yourselves into trouble, but you think maybe it’s hotter that way. 

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9

It was a boring, cottage cheese Wednesday if anyone had bothered to ask you. The sky held a greyish tinge and the London air tasted like exhaust fumes as you made your way back home from the studio. It was 5:50 and you were more than ready to curl into bed, put on a podcast, and stare at your ceiling until you slept.

You’d been tied up in a project lately that stripped every brain cell out of you whenever you tried to think about it. 

This wasn’t because you didn’t like it! Don’t get me wrong, you adored the concept you were trying to convey through your piece. It was just missing something. Hence, Wednesdays the past month had started to feel a little groundhog esque. You knew the fog would part soon. 

Pulling your clattering keys from inside your coat pocket you unlocked the door to your flat. Upon entering you noted the new letters. A missed parcel, various pizza menus and an enclosed envelope from Ticketmaster. Grinning, you opened it up. 

Ed Gamble, McDonalds Apple Pie, November 15th 2021. Sounded delicious, you pulled out your phone, texting Ed. 

Hey! Just got your tickets through. Where are you rehearsing? Let me know when it starts and we can plan something :) 

It had been a while since you and Ed had hung out. You lived on opposite ends of the city and for the most part you were usually busy when he was free ,or vise versa. That the trouble of being friends with theatre people, no matter how hard you try, the schedules don’t gel. However, Ed usually rehearsed his shows in the venue below your flat, luckily this time was no exception.

I start Friday, usual place. We can go for drinks after I finish at 7 if you like?

Yes :))))) would love that!! Can we say 7:15 though as I’ll have to get back from the studio and change 

Yeah that’s fine, I’ll invite some people if that’s okay. We can meet you at the pub first? 

Sounds perfect, see you then. Send Claire love! 

Will do :) 

You put the kettle on and made yourself a pot noodle. Getting ready to sleep before another day of making. Excited at least, with the knowledge that on Friday night, you were getting shitfaced with your mates. 

And so Friday arrived. You started the day off right with a banana and a coffee to go on your way down to the youth centre. Fridays and Tuesdays were your favourite days of the week currently. On these days you worked with other women exploring the ideas of femininity within society. For many years it had been a passion project of yours, creating dialogues with women who’d gone through difficult times in their lives to convey their struggles through art. 

Today you were hosting a dance workshop with a group you had been working with for a while. They had all been making tremendous progress over the past few months you wanted to hold a class in celebration.

“Good morning Y/N” a familiar face beamed from across the hallway. 

“Good morning Olive!” Olivia was a petite lady, somewhere close to her mid forties. She had dyed fire colour hair that she always wore up in a headscarf. She was dance ready, wearing an outrageous and gaudy pair of printed leggings. 

Olive had grown so much as a woman since the first time you had met her, in one of your first ever workshops. The two of you had become thick as honey ever since. She even occasionally helped you plan and run some workshops out of studio now. It gave you joy to know you helped her grow into her full potential in one way or another. 

“How have you been?” 

“Oh same old. Trying not to lose myself in projects. How about you?” 

“Brilliant! Officially divorced on Monday. Sorry I couldn’t make it on Tuesday I was feeling the effect after a few too many champagnes” she laughed, her smile was contagious. Olive had been going through a complicated divorce for a good few years now, some of the reasons she started the project stemmed from such a relationship.

She was such a resilient woman, managing to smile through whatever life had put her through. You loved her distinct lack of care for what people thought of her being a single woman in her forties. 

It made you really put your life into perspective when you had met her. Even encouraging you to drop ties with your ex partner four years ago, who simply, didn’t care for you as a person but rather as an stability object. You hadn’t been in anything serious since. Not that you didn’t want it, being single had it’s perks too. You simply hadn’t been searching. A “bold move” in your late 20’s.

“Congratulations, I’m so happy for you! I’ll have a few for you tonight darling”

“Out on the town are you?”

“Yeah I’m meeting an old friend and hopefully some new people too”

“Well don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” she said with a wink. 

“I’ll try my best” 

It was 7:05 and you were definitely going to be late. You’d just set off from the studio, pushing your way through the crowds on the busy streets near your flat. It had been an intense day in the end, most of you and your class had gotten carried away with your choreography. Immersed in the music and memory you wanted to portray. In the end you had all learnt one another’s routines and combined them all to a jazz beat. 

You were still in your sports bra, leggings and oversized shirt with the duffel bag over your shoulder when you reached the outside door to your apartment complex. You heard a voice boom at you from behind. 

“Y/Nickname” you turned around, instantly knowing who it was by the stupid name. 

“Ed!” 

He was coming up from the basement venue staircase, there was another man loitering casually behind him. In an instant you recognised him from the telly. It was the one and only James Acaster, dressed in a deep green suit, white shirt and purple Oxfords. He had a peppering of stubble across his face that you hadn’t seen him sport on tv before. You noted it looked good on him. You made your way over to your friend and embraced him into the first hug you’d had in a long time. 

“Sorry I just got back, I might be a little late. I need to have a shower. Very sweaty” 

“Yes. Thanks for the hug” he said, making you chuckle. “We can wait around for you if you like. No one else is coming until later anyways. Oh! This is James by the way” James have a polite wave of a hello and smile at you then.

You didn’t quite know the etiquette of meeting people you’d seen on Dave for years. A simple, “Hi I’m Y/N” you decided was the most normal option. “You can come up if you like. I won’t be too long” 

“Sure” 

And so the trio of you braced the stairs and made it into your apartment. You moved rubbish around as you all entered. Slightly ashamed of how messy it was, moving open books into one corner of the living room to make space on the coffee table for some drinks. If they were waiting for you you’d at least fix them a little something as a thank you. 

“What would you like? I’ve got vodka, gin or tequila. Lemonade orange juice and pineapple juice for mixer” 

“Ooh vodka and pineapple sounds delicious Y/N” Ed said with some excitement, taking a comfortable seat on the sofa. James hung nervously by the door, as though he wasn’t sure of the etiquette this time. 

“Same here” he agreed

“Please have a seat, make yourself at home.” You said with a smile, watching as he looked around the room. You became slightly anxious that his glaze was clouded with judgement until he spoke as he went to take a seat next to Ed. 

“Nice place, where’d you get the paintings?” He asked genuinely as you began pouring three glasses of juice. 

“I made them myself” 

“Oh you’re an artist?” 

“Sort of, I work in lots of art forms, mostly theatre and community projects. Not painting though, it’s just hobby and plus, home décor is expensive”

He chuckled a little at that as you brought the two of them their drinks over. “I’ll put some music on while you shower is that okay?” Ed said, taking his phone out after taking a swig of his drink. “That’s strong” 

“Sorry might have given you mine” you said jokingly “let me disconnect my Bluetooth then” you said getting out your own and switching to Spotify. You played the music for a second or two just until you had it disconnected. It was the song you’d been working with all day at the studio with the jazz beat and hypnotic drumming.

“Is that Jon Bap?”

“Yeah, I was using it today at work” His eyes gleamed, visibly excited by the idea of it. 

“I love ‘What Now’,” he took a drink and shaking his head to himself “Such good drums on that album” 

“Yeah, you like the drums?”

“Was a drummer for years in my 20’s” 

You were slightly shocked by his comment on his age, always assuming he was younger than 30. Although it made sense for him and Ed to be in the same age bracket.

“Hey, that's cool, I never made it further than level two recorder. Guess I just don't have musical genes, anyways I’ll hop in the shower. Won’t be long” 

You made your way to the bathroom. Listening as the two men struck up a conversation. Giddy from the knowledge of their being pleasant conversation and good company tonight. You’d always admired James, never really considering the fact you may possibly meet him. You hoped that wouldn't mess up the possibility of a future friendship, by making a reference to something that he’d said on the telly before. Shaking the idea you stripped off, turning on the faucet and climbing inside. 

After you’d felt refreshed you did a little, awkward,  jig to your bedroom in your towel. You hadn’t considered the fact that from where James sat on the couch you could see all the way down the corridor. Your bathroom being on the right, and your room right on the very end. Embarrassment aside you dried off your hair and did your makeup quickly yet efficiently. Slowing down only to put on a red lip with care. You then got dressed. Choosing to opt for something a little fancy tonight as the other two had clearly made an effort. Even if you did end up somewhere at 4am, it still felt good to dress up for the walk of ‘platonic’ shame. 

You chose a silky skirt with a slip down the leg in a champagne iridescent colour. Paired with a tight long sleeved polo in white. You slipped on a pair of socks with ruffles over the top of your rhinestone tights. You emerged from your room feeling a little more confident and ready for a boogie. 

James smiled brightly at you when he noticed you’d come out. Something else was flashing across his face that you couldn’t quite pinpoint however. You brushed it off, blaming the triple vodka pineapple you’d been sipping through your ready-ing routine. 

“7:28, not bad” Ed said looking at his watch when you fully entered your living room. Pulling on your white leather converse. You told him to shut up in response and book an Uber.

[i-may-have-a-point]

Review of 17x14 “Look Up Child”

It has been three years since I wrote my last review of a Grey’s Anatomy episode.  After Sarah left, I stepped away from my fan accounts and did not plan on ever looking back.  Somehow though, through the dedication of our captains and the strength of the Japril fandom, we got one more episode that confirmed what we have known all along – Japril is forever.  

The episode opens to Jackson driving through a storm and we can see in his eyes that he is fighting an internal storm as well.  He winces at his injured hand while his mind flashes through thoughts of holding Harriet with April for the first time, the pain of watching April marry Matthew, and meeting his dad.  These moments, along with many others have led Jackson yearning for more out of life, and so he returns to Montana hopeful he will find answers there.

The last thing Robert Avery expects, for a second time, is to find the son he left behind standing in the doorway of his restaurant.  

“Everybody alive?” Robert asks.

Jackson making this journey again, after the way they left things before, could only be for one reason in Robert’s mind.  Jackson reassures him that is not the reason he came, and Robert relaxes easily into his friendly charm, offering coffee and a place for Jackson to “take a load off.”  He has no idea of the “load” Jackson truly bears.

Robert is awaiting the arrival of his co-worker so they can deliver pre-packaged meals to families in need in their community.  This gesture may seem small, but to Jackson, this is a subtle sign that he on the right path.  There is more he can do than what he has found within the walls of Grey-Sloan Memorial. Their small talk is awkward, and Jackson wants to get right to what he came for – answers.  Robert has other ideas.  There are sandwiches to be made and they can talk while they work.

After following Robert to the porch, Jackson realizes this sandwich-making process is going to be more time-consuming than he thought.  And so is getting the answers he came for.  He reiterates to Robert that he doesn’t want anything from him – not turkey, not coffee – just answers.

Jackson presses his dad for information about why he left the foundation, the problems he saw with it, and Catherine’s perspective on it all while Robert deflects the questions with vague answers and praise of the ham and turkey sandwich.  Robert is not ready to answer these questions because answering them would mean dealing with the memories of the past and the regret he carries.  So instead, he smiles kindly and puts Jackson in charge of the meat slicer, which leads to the first moment in Jackson’s life where his dad taught him how to do something. (Although we all know he didn’t teach him well!) This interaction allows Jackson to let his guard down just slightly and they find they have some common views on the Avery name, money, and pressure that comes with it all.  Jackson tries some of Robert’s “best in the state” turkey and Robert opens up about his own shame and abandonment by his father. It seems pain runs through generations of Avery men.

Maybe it is that realization, or the cup of Robert’s coffee in his hand, that makes Jackson relax enough to begin opening up.  He shares his desire to do more to change the system has seen fail so many people.  He isn’t even sure if he can, but he knows he feels compelled to try.  Robert agrees that people should do what makes them happy.  He did and he “never looks back.”

But Jackson does.  He can’t stop looking back and wondering why his dad was absent from every moment that mattered.  

“I realize that it’s really messed me up…pretty badly. And, um, it just made it hard to maintain relationships and stuff.  Having this inclination to run away all the time.  And I know, I know, running away doesn’t actually solve anything.  I know that. So…and I’ve tried.  I’ve tried really hard to rid myself of the shame and the pain that comes with all that, and uh, you know just kind of doubled-down on being the best at everything – the best father I could possibly be.  I probably stayed in my marriage longer than I should have, went along with foundation business longer than I should have, but no matter what, when it gets rough I just end up right there, running into the woods trying to fight the you in me.”

What begins as a tearful explanation builds to all of Jackson’s pent-up emotions overflowing at his dad.  He is distracted and emotional, cutting his hand on the slicer with blood pouring out, while his heart pours out at the same time.  

Robert tends to Jackson’s injury, and they both feel it is a simple gesture that holds more weight than they know what to do with.  Robert tries to make light of the situation by joking about a family practice, but it is the idea of them as family that sends Jackson to find fresh air on the porch. It is here where Robert finally answers Jackson’s question of “Why?”

Running is what Robert does when things get too difficult, and that is what makes Jackson so afraid. He feels the same pull.  Just before he cut his hand, he was running down the long list of things he feels he has done wrong. Does he truly believe he stayed in his marriage too long?  No. But to Jackson that is just one more way he is like his dad.  He is so messed up by the fear of turning into Robert that he breaks things off before they get too difficult, before he gets to the point Robert did.  If he can maintain a safe distance to the important things in his life, he won’t lose them and he won’t be like Robert.  “My divorce…maybe that would have been a good time for you to step in and share some wisdom.”  This isn’t who Jackson wants to be, but he is too scared of moving in either direction – scared of moving both toward or away from the things that matter, like April.  So instead, he suffers in an ambiguous middle ground.  One where he hasn’t completely abandoned anyone or anything and one where he hasn’t fully committed to anything either.  It is a balance he has tried to find for years, but it is also what is breaking him now.  

Truth be told, even Robert cannot fully run from what matters.  From his cabin in the woods, he admits that everyday he regrets leaving, and he buys gifts for a little girl he has never met in hopes that one day he will.

“You’re not a runner. If you were, you’d have been long gone by now…you have it in your soul to do the right thing.  To makes things right.  And you didn’t just fix a disaster, you made it better…on your worst day, you are ten times the man I am.”

And it is with those words Jackson makes his decision.  He is going to do the right thing.  He is going to take what seems like a disaster and make it better.

Arriving back in Seattle, Jackson goes straight to the people who matter most.  

Catherine is his first stop. He needs her blessing to take over the foundation.  Their money and influence can make life better for all people by bringing justice and equity to medicine and build a better future for Harriet.  Catherine’s Mama-heart breaks a little to see him go, but she cannot deny how proud of him she is.

With the rain still coming down, Jackson rings April’s doorbell and stresses over how he is going to approach asking her to move across the country for him.  How can he explain to her that this is not impulsive, this is not something he is doing on a whim?  

Yet, when the door opens, all his insecurities are quickly forgotten because seeing April only reminds him of why they have always been each other’s person and how she has always trusted him no matter what.  She trusted him the night of the boards with her heart and virginity, she trusted him with the decision to induce her pregnancy with Samuel to stop his pain, and she trusted him to run away from her wedding and the life she thought she was supposed to have.  But this is different.  So much has changed in the past few years.  Would she trust him now?

Jackson will have to wait to find out, though, because April is frantic.  Harriet is sick and April cannot get her fever down.  Jackson sees how stressed she is and immediately gives April what she needs.  He takes Harriet into her arms, both consoling her and helping April calm down and have a moment to breathe.  They fall into their usual banter and affectionate teasing.

Their conversations and interactions throughout the episode give us small glimpses of what we should have had the past several years had their story been written they way it should have been.  They naturally fall into their place as the loving, concerned parents unable to sleep while caring for their daughter.  They move through the house and around each other as if this is a familiar dance that they have done hundred times before.

Harriet’s sickness doesn’t seem to be the only thing April is stressed about.  Her living room is strewn with laundry and she quickly tries to clean it up while Jackson reassures her in his “bank voice” that it is fine. Too many pillows, but otherwise, fine. Jackson continues Daddy Duty by dancing with his daughter and April gets a chance to take a much-needed shower…until the storm knocks the power out.

Jackson and April alone at night in a storm, surrounded by candles, is the perfect set-up for an epic reunion, and while they may not have utilized the kitchen counter like we wanted them, too, they did reconnect on a level of clarity and maturity that shows how much they have grown.

There is also that not-so-little issue of Matthew.  Japril fans spotted early on that April was missing a particularly important ring, but it was even more telling when Jackson asked her directly if her and Matthew are happy, and she responded with simply, “We are busy.”  For a marriage that the terrible writing of season 14 wanted us to believe was ordained by God, how sad that you can’t even pretend to be happy. That one line conveyed so much more than what was stated.  It was clear from that point that Matthew and April’s marriage was over.

April is not the only one beating around the bush.  She quickly calls Jackson out on his “cagey” behavior of commenting on her exposed brick instead of saying why he actually showed up at her house late at night in the middle of a storm.  She can read him so well she knows there is something more, which is when we finally find out his plan – he is going to take over the Avery Foundation. The catch is, that means Jackson, as well as April and her family, have to move to Boston.

April responds by questioning if this is what Jackson actually wants because it never was before.  Is he going to move to Boston and then fail or regret his decision?  And while this seems unsupportive and harsh, April has to ask these questions because, as we find out later, that is exactly what happened to her.  She thought she was choosing the right path by marrying Matthew, but not only has their marriage failed, she regrets that they even tried. But Jackson doesn’t know this yet, so to defend his decision he uses Matthew proposing to April as an example of how he unconditionally supported her which not only hints at Jackson’s jealousy, but reinforces April’s fear that making a decision this big may not be the best choice.  She sees happiness for Jackson in the safe choice.  He can continue to rebuild faces, give little boy’s hands, and help people breathe again.  Maybe if she can convince him to stay with what he knows he won’t feel the hurt she is feeling right now. “Why would you want to give all that up?”

Jackson knows he can do all of that and more in Boston.  He can make a positive change in medicine, April can continue her work with the homeless, and Matthew will just follow because it is April, and that is the one reason Jackson likes him.  “He is gonna want to follow you anywhere.”  Jackson understands the urge to follow April anywhere.  The night continues with wine, snacks, and comfortable conversation but they don’t come to an agreement on what their future holds.

The storm breaks and morning comes.  Jackson, recognizing that April has been overwhelmed lets her sleep in, and she wakes up to the sounds of Harriet and Jackson happily eating breakfast and we get a glimpse of their happy, family mornings that we all know Boston will bring.  The three of them laugh and talk over pancakes, orange juice, and throw pillows and April admits that she should have been more supportive of Jackson’s plans.  If only they could get their timing right.  

The morning has brought with it clarity for April and she tells Jackson her answer is yes.  Yes, she believes he is “that guy.” Yes, she believes this could work.  Yes, they are going to Boston.  Shocked and surprised, Jackson offers to help talk to Matthew, but we find out that won’t be necessary.  As most of us suspected, the marriage that should have never happened is over.  One of the best lines of the episode is the slight dig that the writers (Sarah/Jesse?) took at the ridiculous story of April marrying Matthew.  “We kept trying to tell ourselves that our whole winding road was God’s plan to bring us back together.  But he was still so angry and hurt.  I mean, I left him at the altar and his wife died.  You know, you don’t just stop feeling hurt ‘cause it’s a better story if God brought us together in our pain.”  Enough said. And as much as we are not sad to see Matthew go, April is hurting, and Jackson recognizes that.  He takes her hand in a small gesture of comfort because he never wants to see her in pain.  (Thank you, Jesse, for improvising that.)  He gave her a reason to smile again.  Their family has a fresh start ahead in Boston.  

The episode closes with Harriet calling out for “Mommy and Daddy” as Jackson pulls April into a hug before leaving to prepare for their move, and April folds perfectly into his arms where she is supposed to be.  Fingers crossed for new horizons.  Maybe they finally did get their timing right.

[ad1thi]

just friends (?) P3

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 

- just out of curiosity, how does everyone feel about a kofi goal dedicated to a companion piece from tony’s perspective??

//

There’s moments in Steve’s life - where time feels like it's come to a standstill. Where nobody moves, nobody even breathes - they’re just suspended. 

This moment, when he looks up to see Tony staring back at him, this is one of those moments. The entire coffee shop dulls around him, faint background noise compared to the pounding of his heart - and all Steve can see is Tony. 

He wants to move, to get out of his seat and walk over to Tony, to talk to him, to touch him, to explain - but he’s stuck to his seat; immobile under the sheer weight of Tony’s gaze. 

He’s imagined this moment for months, it's not beneath him to admit that he frequents this coffee shop with this very scenario in mind; but now that it's actually happening - Steve has no idea what to do. 

There’s small mercy in the fact that Tony seems to be the same - stuck, unmoving, that is of course until the old gentleman standing behind him in line prods him none too gently with his walking stick and complains that Tony’s holding up the line. 

Tony shifts his gaze to look at the man standing behind him, and it's like the spell is lifted, and the world starts spinning ‘round again. He desperately wants to look up at Tony again, but instead he keeps his eyes strictly on his sketchbook. Steve isn’t an idiot, he knows that Tony didn’t mean to come to the coffee shop that he frequents, that this is nothing more than a chance encounter, and so Steve won’t do Tony the disservice of looking back up and forcing Tony to acknowledge his presence. 

He’d reconciled himself to the idea that he might never see Tony again, so even just getting to see Tony from across a coffee shop is more than he could’ve hoped for. It was going to happen eventually, he reasons, pencil idly spinning in his hand, we were going to run into each other eventually. After everything, the least that Steve can do is give Tony the option to gracefully make an exit.

“Is this seat taken?” says a voice near him and Steve opens his mouth to say no, because he doesn’t want company right now but the words get stuck in his mouth - because Tony is hovering near the empty chair.

“Steve?” Tony says again, furrowing his brows, “Are you waiting on someone?” 

“No!” Steve half-yells, suddenly terrified that Tony will walk away. Tony raises an eyebrow and he clears his throat, “I mean no, not it's not taken.”

“So I can sit down I presume?” Tony asks teasingly, and Steve replies “Anytime.” He means it to come out flippant, to match the tone that Tony is obviously trying to set, but from the way Tony’s face twists - it must come out as honest instead.

Still, Tony doesn’t call him out on it, just smoothly settles in the chair opposite him. Steve’s heart is beating so hard that he can hear it roaring inside him, but then Tony flashes him a soft smile - and it's like everything inside him settles. 

--

Things get better after that. 

Steve had assumed that the meeting at the coffee shop was a fluke, hoarding the stilted bits of small talk close to his chest like a dragon hoards gold - but Tony shows up at the coffee shop every Wednesday morning like clockwork; grabbing a coffee and settling down in front of Steve for light conversation while he sips his drink. 

They fall into a tentative friendship. It isn’t as easy or as smooth as what they used to have, but Steve can recognise that it's far more than he thought he would have a month ago - and when it comes to Tony, he’ll take what he can get.

That, at least is familiar. 

They talk about everything they’ve missed in each other’s lives over the last six months - from Steve’s degree (he graduated last month and is sending out portfolios to galleries), to SI (Tony just got back from a two week event in Tokyo) and everything in between.

Once, Steve tried to bring up Bucky, but Tony held up his hand and said in a pained tone, “Don’t. I’m not ready for that, not yet.”

Steve had nodded, “Until you are ready, just please know how terribly sorry I am,” and that had been the end of it. 

It isn’t good, there’s periods of silence, and times when Steve can see Tony pulling away from him, building up walls so that he doesn't get hurt again, so that Steve doesn’t hurt him again - but then Steve will say something and Tony will smile, wide and unabashed - and it’s worth it. 

Tony has always been worth it. 

--

He knows that he has to bring it up with Bucky, but that doesn’t mean that Steve’s looking forward to it. Or that it’s going to be an easy conversation. 

Hence why Steve is currently cooking for the first time in almost two weeks, and he’s pulling out all the stops. He’s just about to put the lasagna in the oven when there’s a knock at the door, and he cranes his neck back to yell “It’s open!!”

A couple of seconds later, Bucky shows up in his line of sight, and whistles lowly when he sees the mess in the kitchen. “Aw shucks Stevie you didn’t need to do all this for little ol’ me, what’s the occasion?” he says in an exaggerated tone, and Steve rolls his eyes. 

“Can’t a fella cook his best pal a lasagna without getting the second degree?” he tries for a joking tone, but from the way Bucky’s eyebrows arch - it obviously falls flat. 

“A fella can,” Bucky starts cautiously, “but somehow I don’t think that’s what's going on here.” So much for weaselling out of this, Steve thinks, patting his hands against his apron and turning to Bucky. 

“I have to tell you something, but I don’t think you’re going to like it very much,” Steve stuffs his fists in the pockets of his jeans, “just - just wait until I’m done before you say anything?”

“Stevie, you didn’t kill someone did you?” Bucky chuckles nervously, “because I have to be upfront with you, these shoes aren’t made for mud and I don’t have a shovel on me.” 

“No it's not that don’t be a punk,” Steve licks his lips, heart beating erratically against his chest, “I’m uhh - I’ve been seeing Tony for the past couple of months.”

Bucky goes unnaturally still and Steve rushes to explain, “Not in the way you’re thinking of! I’m not like stepping out with him or nothing, he’s just - you know the coffee shop round the corner from SI? I go there sometimes when I’m stuck for inspiration or need a change in scenery and for the past couple of weeks, Tony’s been showing up too. It’s honestly nothing, he just hangs around long enough to get through a coffee and then he’s off but I wanted you to know.”

Steve rubs the back of his head and says firmly, “I fucked up with both of you once and I’m not about to do it again. There’s nothing going on I swear on my Ma, but I am seeing him again.”

Bucky stays quiet for what feels like an eternity, before he says in a very quiet tone, “Do you still love him?”

“I think I might love him until I die,” Steve says back, equally soft, and Bucky nods once. He pulls out a chair and sits down. Steve opens his mouth to say something, but the oven pings; and he’s forced to grab oven mitts and pull out the lasagna before it burns. 

When he sets the carousel down on the table, Bucky starts up conversation like everything’s normal, like Steve didn’t just admit to being in love with his ex-fiance - and while Steve isn’t naive enough to think that that’s the end of it, the knot that’s been building in his stomach ever since Tony sat down across him in the coffee shop a month ago slowly loosens. 

-- 

“So,” Sam says, apropos of nothing, “Are you gonna tell him?”. Steve jerks in surprise, almost dropping the tub of paint in his hand onto the easel he’s been staring out for the last 10 minutes. He turns to face Sam with a glare, hoping it conveys all of his complex emotions, but Sam just stares back, unrepentant.

“Well?” Sam asks again when Steve isn’t forthcoming, “Are you?”. Sam’s gaze shifts to the canvas that Steve was previously staring at, and Steve doesn’t need to look behind him to know that the half done face of Tony Stark is going to be staring back at him. 

“No,” Steve says mulishly, “I’m not. I just got Tony and Bucky back in my life again, I’m not going to fuck that up a second time.” 

“Because keeping this,” his hands gesture vaguely at the canvas, “keeping this from him is exactly what fucked things up the first time. But no, I can see your point about how doing the exact same thing is a good idea. What’s that quote from Einstein? Something about how a fool does the same thing over and over and expects a new outcome?” 

“Fuck off,” Steve says, throwing a rag that Sam expertly dodges, but its half hearted. He knows that Sam’s right, but he’s just reached a good place with Tony, and he knows in his bones that telling Tony about his feelings will just fuck that up again. He can’t do it, he won’t do it. He won’t live through losing Tony a second time. 

“Steve I’m serious, what’s your game plan here? Are you just going to pine uselessly for the rest of your life? He’s going to move on from Bucky eventually you know, what happens then? Are you just going to watch him fall for other people all over again? I don’t get your angle here.”

“There is no angle!” Steve says loudly, before clearing his throat and bringing his voice back to normal, “There is no angle, there is no game plan there’s just - keeping Tony in my life.” He looks up at Sam with wide eyes, “I can’t go through that again Sam, and if that means just keeping him part-time, then that’s enough for me.”

There must be something in Steve’s voice, because he knows that Sam came here with the intent of fighting him but he just deflates, padding over to pull Steve in for a hug. He rests his chin against the top of Steve’s head, running his fingers through his hair, and Steve lets himself lean against Sam’s chest. 

“I won’t push it anymore,” Sam murmurs after a fashion, “but I think you should tell him Rogers. His answer might surprise you.”

That’s what I’m afraid of, Steve thinks to himself, but says nothing - just hums in reply. 

tbc

taglist: @honeybearrhodey, @rogers-stark45, @tried-our-best, @kirouskasa, @fincaffeinaddict, @endlesslove1084, @imaginestevetony, @illegalchandler, @poughkeepsies, @scarletluvscas, @thewondersoflebanon, @kylizzles, @medio-melon, @moon6shadow-main , @benjamin-solos, @dauntlessdiva, @capnstarkey, @geraderlopoly, @xarawnsamaax,  @angelmydear, @theavengays, @imposter-human, @tonystarkisanangel, @littlemissstark , @allthingsmarvel100 ,  @endrega23 , @riotfalling ,  @spiderrpcrker, @rxmanoff , @firebrands , @omg-just-peachy, @iam93percentstardust​, @dreamsofg0ld, @thxngam, @krzyktty101, @velvetjane, @rebel13lion39, @superhusbands-superfan

[bl4cklabyrinth]

ROCKIN’ON JAPAN August 2016 Interview Translation: Hiro talks about ANTITHESE, Budokan, and his past

Disclaimer: Please do not retranslate my work into other languages, as my translation may not be accurate. I am no Japanese or English native.

The biggest thank you to Anna for helping me get the magazine clippings!

Photo from here.

To what fate was he born and chosen to sing?

Thoughts on his family, his upbringing – a 20,000-character tell-all interview

To be honest, I didn’t expect Hiro to tell me this much about his life. By the time he responded to my proposal for a 20,000-character interview, he was already prepared to talk about his thoughts on his family, his upbringing, and what his songs mean to him. Be that as it may, I wasn’t expecting to hear so much about his conflicts with his family, his love towards them that was clearly in a changing phase, and the loneliness and circumstances he suffers from that no one else could ever experience.

Hiro tells us the reason behind this as he explains his relationship with (ROCKIN’ON) JAPAN, but he also details the story of how MY FIRST STORY created the masterpiece “ANTITHESE” and decided to stand on the fated Budokan stage. I believe Hiro’s songs will change immensely from hereon – they will become more impulsive, more passionate, and elicit stronger feelings of great potential. The life he is in, the life he is destined to live, in which singing was a matter of course from the moment he was born. This interview is a complete narrative of the turning point that made a significant change to his story, and the masterpiece of an album that was a turning point in itself. I hope you take the time to read it thoroughly.

- I think Hiro has dealt with loneliness and frustration really well over the years and has had to carry things from his upbringing that others couldn’t even begin to fathom. I feel like the time you’ve spent fighting like that has become the foundation of your form of expression. In that sense, the album “ANTITHESE” shows a lot about your personality, so for you to talk about your life is the same as talking about this album. 

Hiro: Yes, that’s right.

- Hiro wrote most of the songs as far as this album is concerned. Did this result in more Hiro songs?

Hiro: For this album, I thought of doing it all myself. For the longest time, it was always Sho who would make the original demos, add the melodies, change the chords, and subarrange, among other things. This time, I made the foundation for it myself. Rearranging it further was the hardest part, but it was the perfect timing and I knew I had to take charge, so I made up my mind to do so from the start. There was an overwhelming theme to this album and it couldn’t be done without me, so I thought that I should be the one making it. 

- Asking this now may seem out of the blue, but what is this overwhelming theme?

Hiro: My number one goal, or rather, what inspired me the most was definitely Budokan. It wasn’t finalized yet when we first started working on this album, but I felt like I could go to Budokan if we made this album. When I thought about what kind of album I should make for this purpose, I had an album in mind that I wanted to surpass no matter what, and I thought it made sense to go through trial and error to achieve that goal. That’s where the title “ANTITHESE” came from – the main point was to have an antithesis to a thesis. That was the biggest thing for me.

- So there was a clearly defined rival.

Hiro: Yes. It’s an album title that those in the music business, those who know of us, and those who are fans would definitely notice. On top of that, I knew it would without a doubt be the most controversial album of all time. I could’ve ignored that fact for a long while, but I have a tendency to look at things from a bird’s eye view. When the members became 4, when Budokan was decided, and when things started popping out left and right, I knew I shouldn’t run away from it forever. When the date for Budokan was set, I sort of felt like it was fate. I had never had a moment in my life where everything just clicked like this. If everything was connected up to this point and the ties will not be severed from hereon, then maybe I too should try riding the wave of that thread. With that in mind, I created this album.

- I see. The work on this album starts with the single “ALONE”, a song that focuses on “the proof of existence”. It’s very easy to understand that that’s where the story begins, because Hiro writes a lot about himself. I suppose the line “I’ve risked it all, even if it almost tore my lost heart into pieces” in “Nothing In The Story” is what your heart is screaming.

Hiro: That’s right.

- “I’ve risked everything for this,” you say. I’m sure you’ve had some frustration in not being able to express those feelings directly, but I also assume you tried to view things from a different point of view and accept that that’s just the way things are. However, you’d go, “If I do let things stay the way they are, my story will not move on from here.”

Hiro: That’s true. I’m not mature enough to be enlightened on the way things are, and no matter how hard I look at the bigger picture, subjectivity definitely goes in there somewhere. It wasn’t something I could give up so easily.

- You didn’t want to be compared to anyone else, you wanted to be recognized for who you are and move upwards as you are now.

Hiro: That’s what I find most difficult. It would be unbearable if I think about it too much, and I don’t know the right thing to do either. I am who I am now because of everything I’ve been through. If you are currently at a certain point in your life, then to go back to square one would be to deny the person you are today, but it all gets complicated when you’re not content with where you are now. I think this album was about coming to terms with that and deciding what to do from there.

- You’ve written all sorts of songs, but you’re only trying to say one thing. You’re earnestly writing songs that convey, “It’s these things that have made me who I am”.

Hiro: That’s right. The theme was hard.

- “Kimi no Uta”, for instance. It’s all in Japanese.

Hiro: I used more Japanese this time. It was composing the songs that was harder than anything else. The lyrics weren’t easy either, but once I got them right, I went deep into writing them. I’m not the type to compose music logically at all. I’d start with a melody and add backing tracks little by little, but if a good melody doesn’t come up then it doesn’t get my approval. Apart from that, this time I had an overwhelming challenge in mind that I didn’t want to be pulled too far in the direction of, but if I strayed too far away from it, I might not be able to get the message across. It was really, really difficult at the time.

- In any case, you’re calling this album “ANTITHESE”, so it wasn’t about making something friendly and having the world accept it. For Hiro, making “ANTITHESE” wasn’t about creating an album showcasing your skills or technique. It was about putting everything you had on the line.

Hiro: I’ve been trying not to show much of myself for as long as I could remember, but I couldn’t help thinking that this work was non-negotiable. I felt like I was finally going somewhere. It’s really scary, though. In the past, I would’ve had a wider perspective in choosing which songs I liked on the album, what order I should put the songs in, or which songs would be a hit among the rest, but this time I didn’t think about any of that at all. I was completely engrossed in making this album, so much so that it was the first time in a long while that I was able to relax after I finished recording “Home” last and wondered if the album was going to be okay. I had never made an album this controversial before, so I’m really looking forward to seeing how people react to it, having made it on the assumption that it was going to be criticized.

- So you recorded “Home” last.

Hiro: It was the very last song I recorded.

- This is the final number, right? People would think, “Are you really gonna write this much?” You’re literally singing about your family.

Hiro: That’s right. Really though, this song has everything you need for a 20,000-character interview (laughs). As I had come to accept myself recently, I wanted to express something that I had finally been able to digest. Up until now, I’d been depicting it in a very abstract way. I thought I had dipped my toes in the water for some songs, but I had never really submerged myself into it. That was the case for “Itsuwari NEUROSE” – I thought that that would be the be-all and end-all. When I pondered on which part of myself I personally wanted to share, I thought that the circumstances I grew up with and the sensibilities I had at the time were everything. Then I thought to myself, “There’s no other band like this”. I’d been asked what sets us apart from other bands in other interviews, but it isn’t about losing or not losing. I can say with absolute confidence that they couldn’t possibly win. It feels like I’m the main character in a role-playing game. The protagonist never dies, right? They come back to life over and over again until they defeat the last boss, they level up and equip all sorts of weapons. I had a much stronger feeling than certainty that I couldn’t die. That being the case, when I considered what everyone wanted to see, I thought that it would be the moment the hero takes down the villain and the ending. I think that is our story. We’re probably the easiest and hardest band to empathize with, but it was only recently that I realized that we are the ones who could change that. It was only recently that I’d come to deal with that fact. That was around last winter, when we were in the middle of making the album. I feel like I had finally changed my destiny with this album. For this reason, I thought that I wouldn’t be able to beat the almighty devil king or god unless I read the story behind why they appeared in the first place. Then, I linked that to my own life. However, I think that prologue would look completely different from the hero’s point of view and the villain’s point of view. Because of this, I didn’t want to end things with only one side of the story. To put it another way, that (one side) would be the most dominant part of my personality. As I see it, I feel like my past is my everything. However it may have been, I’ve always wanted to relay everything in a song, but I couldn’t, and I didn’t know how. But once we decided to create this album, it all felt like it was going to be fine. Down to the music and the lyrics, we had a specific theme and image for each song, especially for “Home”. I think this song plays the most important role out of all of the songs we’ve made thus far. The very existence of this song will lead to so many things.

- To use your words just now, if you don’t write this song, you wouldn’t be able to show the side of you that makes you who you are and the side of you that you have to look into the most, which will lead to you being judged. 

Hiro: Yes. I think about myself quite often, don’t I? Well… Would it be okay to tell you everything?

- Of course. If you have a lot to say, please go ahead.

Hiro: Alright. Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how there’s no other family as ridiculous as ours. No other family has changed the industry like ours has. Both parents sing, and their sons sing as well. Moreover, two of those sons are in a band. I don’t think it’s common for most families to have thoroughbreds succeed thoroughbreds, and you don’t see families where most of the members get to stand on the Budokan stage very often either (laughs). I thought that being able to do that was fate. I was born into such a family, and even though I was the one who decided to go down this path, I feel like even that was predetermined. Just because I started making music doesn’t mean I’ll be able to play at Budokan. I think the odds of that happening are astronomical already. But I’d been fighting against those odds ever since, so if I had already made it this far, then maybe I should ride that fate out and see where it takes me. I wanted to see how things pan out, and that’s what changed within me.

- I see.

Hiro: Our guitarist Sho went on hiatus, Masack left the band and we became 4, we released an album, then decided on Budokan which will be taking place on November 18th. Budokan’s schedule is pretty packed, isn’t it? I don’t think that us being able to hold a show there in November was a coincidence. With all this happening one after the other, I couldn’t make excuses for myself anymore. That being said, what do I do now? When we first started the band, I was thinking of saying it all at Zepp, but when I got to stand there, I thought I wasn’t ready to talk yet. The view from the stage as a performer was closer than I thought it would be when I was still watching as a part of the audience. Because of that fear, I thought it was a bit too early to be talking about Budokan. But when I thought about it clearly, Budokan would be a slightly different case compared to Yokohama Arena or Saitama Super Arena. Budokan and Tokyo Dome were different. Then when I wondered how many years it would take for us to get to Tokyo Dome, I knew everyone wouldn’t want to wait that long. With that in mind, I set my heart on going nowhere but Budokan. The thing is, I couldn’t change the fact that so many artists are able to perform at Budokan. The value of Nippon Budokan wasn’t gonna diminish as I had imagined it to, but that value would inevitably change as more people became able to play on that stage. That being the case, I always said that we should hold a Budokan show that only we can do. When asked what kind of show that would be, I knew it had to be one that would surpass the Budokan show from 6 years ago. I think that that was the only way we could conquer Budokan, and that we were the band that should be doing just that. Over the years, there had been many twists and turns to be able to achieve that goal, such as members going on hiatus, quitting the band, joining the band, and touring around all 47 prefectures, but if it will only take us 5 years to stand on the Budokan stage, then the stakes will all be worth it. To stand in Budokan on November 18th – that in itself means a lot already.

- To sing “Home” at Budokan on November 18th holds a lot of meaning for Hiro, and it would be the first time the band MY FIRST STORY will be playing as the protagonist. Truly, in the essence of Hiro’s being, life, and values, MY FIRST STORY will become a band that can compete with everyone else. 

Hiro: I guess so. I don’t want to lose, of course, but we’re not trying to match anyone either. Rather, it all starts from here, from the moment I made up my mind to stand on the starting line, or the moment I finished warming up and got myself in a ready position. I feel like this is where the competition to see who can do the fastest time begins.

- Hiro is the only person in the world who has the right to stand on the starting line, huh.

Hiro: That’s right.

- I would assume you also thought about just running on a different lane.

Hiro: That’s true. There was a part of me that was already happy with doing just that. It was definitely my weak side. But if fate was going to lead us to where we are now, then there was no point in running away anymore. I think it’s more like me to face things head on. I think I would have never seen the real me had I not decided to confront my fears. This time, our moment had finally come, so I’d be happy if everyone understood that.

- I’m not on the level of understanding just yet (laughs). This song is amazing. “Now I want to go beyond, now I want to go beyond”. And the lyrics after that, “Sometimes I watch the TV and hear family’s voice”.

Hiro: I think I’m the only one who can write these lyrics. I actually came up with these lyrics around the time we made “Second Limit”. It’s an homage to the lyrics of Avril Lavigne that went something like, “I was listening to the radio and Radiohead was playing” (T/N: I assume he was referring to Avril Lavigne’s song “Here’s To Never Growing Up”). I don’t think there are a lot of people who are in a position to embody such a line to this extent, and to express it in terms of “him” or “her” instead of proper nouns. I’d been thinking about that since I wrote “Second Limit”, but no matter how I looked at it, it wasn’t the right time to put it out just yet. It was refreshing to finally be able to write it out. I tend to get easily distracted, and even if I find something cool, it’s unlikely that it stays that way for long. This was the only feeling I had that never changed or once wavered. Since I’m still feeling the same way 5 years later, I thought it would be a good idea to finally write it down. In a way, I think it had held a bit of my rebelliousness from back in the day. I also used to care too much about what other people thought of me. It felt like I was weirdly acting like a grown up, even if I was still far from being one. It felt like I was being strangled more and more. I was concerned about what people would think if I said such a thing, but if they still had something to say despite me not saying anything, then I might as well lay it all out then be told off afterwards instead (laughs). If I were told off after I’d said my piece, it would be a good rallying point and it would be possible to reach a compromise.

- It’s like you’ve climbed up all this way just to sing this song. “Even if I can’t go back to those memories, I will not run away from you” – does this part bear meaning to you personally as well?

Hiro: This one, no. Only the beginning.

- So it was just written for writing’s sake.

Hiro: Yeah. But I wrote that line with the hope of the song in mind. It wasn’t 100% me, it was more of Hiro from MY FIRST STORY. Of course Hiro from MFS would appear in this song. So I had them both mixed up here in these two lines.

- Now, let me ask you something else. First and foremost, when is your birthday?

Hiro: January 25, 1994.

- What’s your earliest memory?

Hiro: Maybe when our house was built. The house was built around the same time I was born. I don’t think I was old enough to understand anything at all, but I remember looking at it from the outside while my father was carrying me. I was like, “Wow~ Amazing~”. I guess that was my first ever memory.

- How would you describe the shade of that memory?

Hiro: ...If I had to choose, it would probably be a warm memory. It might not go all the way up the scale, but it’s a memory with a temperature, if anything. 

- You were around a year old?

Hiro: Yeah, more or less.

- But you remember that scene happening.

Hiro: I remember it vividly. I don’t know, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t mean it in a bad way, but for better or for worse, I don’t have any memories of spending time with my family. Moreover, it feels strange to have the world know about my family. We had such a special relationship that it was almost as if my grade school classmates knew my mother and father better than I did. It’s like, “That guy on TV is my father” – that’s about as uncomfortable as it’s gonna get. Everyone would tell me, “That’s your dad”, and I’d be thinking, “Is that so?” I had never simply played catch with him, never gone anywhere for the end of the year, and I had never even had a home-cooked meal before, so I had really weird feelings towards my family. I know they’re important, but I think they’re less important to me than most people are. If the average person weighs 100 percent to me, it would only be about 70 or 60 percent for my family – they lack the remaining 30 or 40 percent. It’s not that I don’t like them or am bitter towards them, it’s kind of like, even I don’t understand why. I’ve always felt strangely towards my family, so I think that’s why I was able to write this song. I guess it’s because I was born last, so my memories of family were a lot shorter compared to those of my brothers. I never felt bad about that though, and I’m able to do all of this now because of that. If things had gone well, I’m sure I would have been one hell of a little shit (laughs). I can affirm that, but it’s kind of hard to understand so I can’t really explain it.

- What kind of kid were you?

Hiro: I don’t think I’ve changed much. I was pretty stubborn, and I wouldn’t yield even if I said something wrong. I used to lie a lot, too. We weren’t allowed to have cup ramen at home, but I would hide and buy some from the convenience store. If I got found out, I would say I didn’t know anything (laughs). Even if it was in my room, I would say, “It wasn’t me, didn’t mom put that there?” then run away.

- When did you first become aware of music?

Hiro: Hmm, when I was in my second year in high school. Until then, music was just always in the air. Music would naturally be playing at home, and I would listen to music when I’m out of the house as well. My parents would sing songs and stuff. It was always just there. That was how it had always been, so I didn’t pay attention to it for a long time. But when I was in my second year in high school, everyone started deciding what to do in the future, and my friends said they were going to university. 3 years in middle school and 3 years in high school were enough to make me sick of being a student, so I didn’t wanna go there. Thing is, there wasn’t anything I wanted to do either. When I was thinking about what I should do, I don’t know when it happened, but there was a moment when I realized that music was something I could make a career out of. Up until then, there were barely any hurdles for me to make music my profession. When the idea popped up in my head, I made up my mind immediately with no hesitation. I hadn’t been able to take part in any of the club activities until then, but since music was what I had always been doing at the time, I knew this was the only thing I could do. I just didn’t see the point in not pursuing music when I was allowed to do so anyway. I thought that life wouldn’t be as fun anywhere else. It was the first time I became aware of something I had always taken for granted.

- Have you been singing since you were a kid?

Hiro: Mostly just humming. I would look at the lyrics and sing along as I listened to minidiscs and stuff like that. If my dad happened to come home while I was singing in the living room, I would turn off the music right away. He would point out that my pitch was off and in my head I’d be like, “Shut up”. That’s why I didn’t really sing in front of my parents. I guess I would have been able to sing if both my brothers were with me, but all I could think of at the time was that they were all so annoying. 

- You still didn’t have feelings of liking singing at the time, huh.

Hiro: I didn’t. It’s a part of the necessities of life that I can’t live without – it’s only natural to have music. In other words, I don’t really understand the power that music brings. Sometimes I would think that music could change people or that music could change the world, and I say so in my MCs too, but I rarely think about it. I can’t say that music could change the world or that music could change people, because music is a natural part of life. I would think, “I don’t mean this in a bad way at all, but how can music save someone?”

- So you’re not overly attached to music, huh.

Hiro: Right. It’s my destiny already after all. I don’t have any emotional attachment to my own life either, because it’s like, “I’m alive right now (and that’s all that matters)”. But whenever I get asked what life means to me, I’m really not exaggerating when I say that I would plainly answer “music”. I don’t feel emotionally attached to it, but if it’s not there then I would die. Because it’s who I am.

- Everyone tries to attach emotions to their personal experiences. Some people have stories like, “When I heard that riff by Nirvana in my second year in middle school, I knew I wanted to be a musician, so with that one riff, everything changed”. On the other hand, in Hiro’s case, your life was set up right from the start.

Hiro: Yep. From the very day I was born.

- Did you ever try to pursue anything else apart from music?

Hiro: I wanted to try a lot of things. Music wasn’t even on the list until my second year in high school, so I thought about doing all sorts of jobs like being a comedian or a baseball player. But I started to think that I wasn’t going to be a kid forever, so I decided against it. I found myself face to face with reality. 

- We all once wrote our dreams for the future in our grade school yearbooks, right? What did you write in yours?

Hiro: I don’t remember. I wasn’t the type of kid who took those things seriously, and I didn’t have to think about it from the third grade up to my third year in middle school. I thought I could get away with it, I guess. But when that time of my life ended, I thought to myself, ��Well, what am I going to do?” That was what the second son (T/N: Tomohiro Moriuchi) was particularly agitated about. Every time I saw him, he would ask me, “What are you going to do in the future?” Music didn’t come up whenever my family asked me what my dream was, so it seriously wasn’t an option. I wasn’t mature enough to really think about it that much, and when I was in middle school and high school, I was happy as long as I had fun every day. I thought my life would be over after high school. I didn’t think it would last beyond that. That was when I met our producer. The first thing he said to me was, “You look like a good singer. Are you in a band?” At the time, it had been around 2 days since the band I had with our guitarist Teru disbanded. I answered, “I’m not. Our band just broke up the other day actually,” and he replied, “I see. Let’s start a band.” I thought that was really sloppy of him (laughs), but my band had just broken up, so I said, “Sure.” Then he asked me to come to the studio a week later. I sang at the studio, but the recording we had was pretty intense. I thought I wasn’t cut out for it, but they said my voice was cool and that we should start a new band. Nob and Masack were on the bass and drums back then, so I started a band with those 3. After that, we decided to bring in another guitarist, and just my luck, Teru said he wanted to play with me again. I was in a huge hurry at the time. Everyone around me was in high school, and we kept getting booked by livehouses, playing shows, and paying extra because we didn’t reach our quota. It had me wondering until when this was going to last. I was graduating soon, and my friends in high school along with their other friends were my entire community, so I knew it would be a disaster if all of that disappeared. I was living in a very small world, but everything changed when I met our producer. The possibilities, the range and depth of options, all unlike anything I had ever seen before. I was overwhelmed by the speed at which things were happening, but I was also relieved.

- I see.

Hiro: The first 2 years was all about the simple joys of being in a band. When we went on our first tour or show, everyone came and paid for their own tickets, and I was genuinely glad to be standing there as a professional. The members were all serious about what they were doing too, so that made me really happy as well. Up until then, it was normal for me to hear, “Sorry, I have to go to cram school”, “I have to study”, I have a part-time job”, so getting rid of that alone made me so happy I could die. As I released more and more of my music, my own emotions started to grow, and things gradually changed from then on. I think it was around the time we made “Saishuukai STORY” when MY FIRST STORY became a part of me. All this time, I was screaming and just going with the flow, but then all of a sudden, I became an adult. 

- It’s ironic, isn’t it? In your case, music was always by your side, yet the realization that being in a band was fun came later than most people.

Hiro: That’s true. I’ve been asked what the first ever CD I bought was in so many interviews, but that question is incredibly hard for me to answer (laughs). I seriously don’t remember it at all. All this time, I had only been giving half-assed answers because it’s not something people would understand unless they’ve heard my story, but I’d never been able to share my story up until now. When I was in middle school or high school, I felt like ROCKIN’ON JAPAN was the number one magazine out there. I thought it was the king of music magazines, and I was deeply attached to it. Then, when we started the band, I was thinking of speaking up for the first time at Zepp or Budokan, but I’d decided that this (magazine) would be the first place I talk about my life.

- Is that so?

Hiro: Then, since the timing was perfect with this 20,000-character interview, and since Koyanagi-san will be the one interviewing me, I thought that today was the day I should finally speak up. I’d never spoken about it before, I didn’t have the guts to, and I had quite a few things left unsettled up until now. It feels great to finally be able to talk about it now for the first time. 

- You deal with music in a very unique way, huh. To illustrate, it’s like water and air to you. “The air saves me every day!” Don’t you agree? (laughs)

Hiro: I do! I don’t think anyone appreciates being able to breathe air every day. Everybody just lives off of that life force, so I couldn’t help thinking deeply about it. 

- When did music become a form of expression for you?

Hiro: Expression… I don’t know if I’ve ever thought of it that way. I sing about proving my existence in “ALONE”, but in my mind, it’s not as strong a proof of existence as everyone imagines it to be. I’m really just doing it because I love it. I simply want to hear new songs in my own voice. I’ve always done it as an extension of my hobby, so I don’t really understand the fact that I’m getting paid to do this. I’m like, what’s this compensation reward for? I don’t think I’ll ever leave music behind no matter how much it changes, so I don’t really feel like I’m doing it for self-expression. 

- I see. I want to ask you a few more questions about your past. What kind of student life did you have when you were in grade school and middle school?

Hiro: I was just having fun. Well, I was a bit of a naughty kid from around my second year in middle school (laughs). I didn’t go to school much. I didn’t have a lot of friends in middle school. I was rather popular until around my first year so I was just going with the flow, but just like how a nail that sticks out gets hammered down, I was pushed to the side hard (T/N: ignored) in my second year or so. I couldn’t make any friends and I was always lonely. Even in my third year in middle school, I would play outside instead of going to school. Then, I joined the music club in my third year in high school. I heard that students weren’t allowed to join clubs in their senior year because they would be sure to participate in the school festival. They’d have club homeroom every Wednesday, so that was when I asked them, “Please let me join the club.” I didn’t feel like I would lose to any of the guys in that room, so I said, “Please let me participate in the school festival,” and with that they told me, “Fine, if you insist”. At the time, the best performers out of everyone in the club gathered together and did covers and original songs. I was already with MFS back then, so we were touring around non-stop. That being said, we decided to hold a performance that would overwhelmingly crush the top band at the school festival, and we went home with a bang. When I got to my senior year, I thought, “Yikes, I’ve only got 1 year left to be a student”, so I decided to do a ton of things that I could only do then. I became a member of the executive committee for events and was involved in organizing the athletic and cultural festivals. That’s why my senior year in high school was pretty free and fun. All things considered, I think both my middle school and high school days paved the way to where I am today. I was living in a society where that community was everything, so I couldn’t help feeling a sense of loneliness when I was withdrawn from it, but I was able to meet so many people and realize that I was struggling in such a small world. 

- Hiro’s way of life is pretty flexible in a way, huh? You’re willing to accept things because that’s just how they were meant to be. It’s a special ability you were able to learn, isn’t it?

Hiro: The past isn’t going to change, but I don’t want to say these kinds of things in my songs. You don’t know what kind of person is going to be listening, and a song is only 3 minutes long. There’s only so much text you can squeeze in. For example, you can’t expect some random person passing by to suddenly give you good advice. And even if what they said was right, you don’t even know them. There are people who don’t share the same pain, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to put the band on the line and dedicate everything to a single group of people. That’s why I write songs about my story. 

- I strongly feel you on that. When it comes to your manner of songwriting, you don’t say, “This is how it should be”. You’d answer your own questions, and if someone else sympathizes with you in doing so, then great.

Hiro: Yeah, exactly. It’s easy to put up a façade, but I believe people can grow by showing their weaknesses and making other people think. It’s no good to just show the answer to a problem; the most important part of the process is to think about why you got the answer you got. I think life is a repetition of these things. I don’t want to tell people they can change. I don’t really like being pushy.

- Hiro doesn’t say, “This is black” in his songs. You endlessly ask yourself, “Is it white? Is it black?” That’s what everyone says – “It’s different for each person”. But I think Hiro truly understands that each person is different. I believe that’s how you’ve been living your life. Perhaps that’s the reason your self-questioning lyrics are so compelling. In this album, Hiro writes, “This is what the shape of my heart is like now”. This piece was the first time you tried to frame your own mind.

Hiro: I think I’m a really, really twisted person. If I’m moved by something I see, I think people who could see things from a normal perspective would be even more moved by it. I’m pretty confident about that. So whenever I find something cool, I’d say, “It’s cool, isn’t it?” I’m not trying to impose. The fact that I was able to think a certain way and keep going with that in mind is the reason I’m here today, I believe. That’s what it all comes down to. I think this is the most direct I’ve ever been able to express myself, not in an abstract way. 

- You were able to write in specifics without escaping to the abstract. It’s truly an incredible album.

Hiro: Thank you.

- You mentioned at the beginning of this interview that there was something stronger than certainty already in place. What would that be?

Hiro: To release our 4th album, at the age of 22, as 4 members, playing Budokan in November after having been together for 5 years… It’s scary, isn’t it? How things led up to this point. With everything turning out that way, I knew I wanted to exceed the album from that time at all costs. I thought that doing so would be the best way to prove my existence. I’m absolutely sure that there was something stronger than certainty about that.

- Something along the lines of, “I will face my destiny”, or “I will live my destiny”?

Hiro: Yeah. I guess it’s somewhere in between facing my destiny and living my destiny. I do think it’s more important to face it though, and I feel like Budokan is the perfect stage for that. But as you would expect, I definitely don’t want to lose. This is the first time I’m talking about this, but our motive for starting the band, or our biggest ambition if you will is, as mentioned earlier, the fact that there is no other family like mine. There’s the father and the mother whose sons were rascals, but one’s in a successful band that’s doing well overseas, too. “Their son is just as amazing”, “What a great family” – this is our current image to the public. The story I want to tell, however, is that there’s also a younger brother in the picture who’s even better. That’s the ideal story we wanted to create. We’ll go into battle as the select few in order to make this a reality, so we have no desire whatsoever to join a major label like they did. How can we go above and beyond? That’s my biggest dream, so I’m running forward to achieve just that. But like I said before, it feels like I’m trying to view the public’s image of my family objectively. I’m not in that circle. As I say in “Home”, I don’t belong in that circle; I’m connected to it, but I’m somehow outside of it and am trying to break it with no hesitation. It’s a strange feeling, but I strongly stand by it. If you take this into consideration when listening to this song, you’ll see it in a completely different light. It’s not just a simple desire to not lose – it’s a more complex emotion with a different direction.

- You’re not just saying it’s a rivalry. It’s not about who should win, it’s about the situation you were given.

Hiro: I want to seize my destiny. With such strong blood, strong DNA, and a strong destiny, I truly don’t feel like I will lose to anyone. It’s like, “Sorry, but you’re definitely not gonna win. Because there’s no other family like mine.” I don’t have an emotional attachment to the idea of family like everybody else does, and I don’t really understand what it’s all about, so I’d discuss it with my friends when we go out for drinks. I had kept it to myself all this time and never told anyone about it, but I started to loosen up and was able to talk about it. I don’t know if people would understand my situation, and they probably won’t, which made me think that I was the only one suffering from this. Then I thought it might be a good idea to turn this into a song.

- 22 years old, 4 members, November, Budokan. The whole journey was written in this song, wasn’t it? I think this interview was very meaningful because of this album and song, and that everyone’s emotions are headed in the right direction towards Budokan.

Hiro: I believe there are people who realize what it means to us to perform at Budokan in November. Some people think that’s amazing. Now that this album is out, the mystery is finally solved. “Now I understand. You can do it, MFS” – I hope everyone looks forward to Budokan having this in mind. That’s what we mean by holding a Budokan show that only we can do.

[bigolyikesthings]

A sex expert- a sexpert, if you will

((shoutout to the anon that wanted first time smut. I’m not super sure if this is what you wanted, but this is how it wound up. Obviously this is smut, but theres also some soft. Just a little.))

It had been a wonderful evening. You had ordered pizza and Beetlejuice had scared the pizza boy into leaving it for free (or at least he thought he had. In reality you had already paid online, but it was nice to see him happy). The two of you had sat and enjoyed your meal while half watching some netflix original and throwing pillows at each other on occasion. Of course, Bj was dead and didn't need to eat. But the act was still enjoyable and his tastebuds still worked, so he enjoyed the pizza regardless.

There was a nervous energy to the air but only you knew why. Unbeknownst to Beetlejuice, tonight would be the night. You two had transitioned from friends to lovers a few weeks ago after a few unspoken thoughts were said. So far it had been steady and gentle, he knew you didn't have a heap of experience under your belt. So far then relationship mostly involved making out and cuddling on the couch. Of course, occasionally a hand may wander, but never anything more than a brief smack or grab. But you had decided earlier today that enough was enough. Thinking about him made you want to grind into any nearby surface and you were beyond sure he felt the same. So tonight would be the night Beetlejuice would fuck you senseless. Assuming he agreed. Which, lets be honest, he probably would. You'd engaged in some more raunchy activities in the past. Clumsy touches and the occasional attempt at oral one way or the other, but sex itself was something you were yet to explore. And trying it out for the first time with the ghost with the most didn't seem like a bad idea at all. At some point in the movie, who really gives a shit where, you reached over to Bj, running a hand from his knee to his thigh, ending with a quick squeeze. This act alone was enough to steal his entire attention. Your same hand then reached for his, holding it and stroking the knuckles for just a second while you made silent eye contact, before standing up. Closing your laptop with your free hand, you kept a hold of Beej in the other. Turning, he was dragged to follow you. "What's up babes? You tired already? The movie was pretty shit i guess, but we could've just changed it." You didn't say a word as you continued to pull him towards your bedroom, which had sooner become both your bedrooms now that he slept next to you most nights. You were amazed your resolve had lasted this long given the amount of times you woke to his boner against your ass, but then again, you were nervous. He was a demon. Mr sex positive and seemingly always ready to bone, knowing everyone else in the room probably would be too, simply because he was there. And you were someone who had barely given a blowjob once and that was frankly an embarrassing nightmare you'd rather forget. Closing the door you gestured for Bj to sit on the bed, not quite making eye contact. By now he could feel the nervous energy and he was starting to feel it too given the light blue starting to fade into streaks of his hair. "Babes, is everything okay?" You ignored his comment as you moved to urge him further up the bed, finally straddling him. You should feel elated, you should feel sexy, sitting over this snack of a demon, but all you felt was nerves and worry. You tried for sultry eye contact for a few seconds but quickly caved, instead electing to lean in and bury your face in his shoulder in shame. "Beej, I want us to... I want you to..." "What is it babe? For all my amazing skills, i cant read minds. What do you want?" he stroked the back of your head while chuckling at your adorable nervous behaviour. He'd worked out what you were trying to do, but knew it was important you say it yourself. Plus it was cute to see you so flustered. " I, well, I want us to have sex. But i get if you don't want to. I mean I'm pretty inexperienced and that must be annoying and if you don't want to we really don't have to but you're really hot and i really want you to fuck me if you do want to but i mean you dont have to." you barely raised your head from his shoulder to speed mumble your jumbled thoughts at him. And then you froze while he hmmed about it. Taking one hand, that had lowered itself to stroking your back, he placed it on his jaw and scratched his face, contemplating what you asked him. From your perspective he was mocking you and drawing your confession out. From his perspective he was memorizing you essentially begging for it and storing that away for any future where you were away for an extended period of time. "Well, because you asked so nicely..." he took your jaw in his hands, pulling from his shoulder to meet his eyes. Pausing for just a moment, with a smirk causing his eyes to sparkle, he pulled you to him. The kiss was passionate and conveyed that he was more than ready to give you everything you wanted and more. At first, everything was grabbing hands and clashing teeth. A fight for dominance led to you losing the battle, laying on the bed in only your underwear after Beej had dragged your pants slowly down your thighs and nigh on ripped your shirt trying to get it off. He was down to boxers and an open shirt, meaning you had full access to stroke and squeeze his sides. This ferocity was great and nearly led you to forget your nervousness until you felt calloused fingers at the elastic of your underwear. This move caused you to jump and freeze. Only slightly. But it was enough for Beetlejuice to notice. "Hey, hey, look at me babes." he pulled his lips from your neck to look you in the eyes. "Is this what you want? I get it if this is as far as you want to go. We can pause here and enjoy ourselves as we are. I know I'm having fun." and he leaned down to lick a wide stripe across your nipple, briefly sucking as he heard your whine in response. "But we can always go further later. I just want you to feel good, okay?" You looked in his eyes and behind them mischievous glint there was genuine concern. First times are important and he wanted to make sure you enjoyed yours. "I'm... I'm okay. I'm way better than okay." you ran your fingers into the hair at the base of his neck, lightly scratching to comfort him when he looked doubtful at your words. "I'm just super nervous. You know this is basically new territory for me. But, i want this, i really do. Just, please, go slow okay?" At this he blinked slowly and smiled. He leaned forward to kiss you softly, and before you could even get a good taste he had moved south, his lips leaving a trail of saliva in their path. By the time he reached your underwear, you were starting to feel a nice warmth over you, his care evident. But you gasped feeling a tongue stripe up your panties. "Gotta make sure you're good and ready babes. Can never do with enough lube if you know what I'm saying." he held eye contact until you gave a faint not, and just like that your undies were gone and in their place was Beetlejuices tongue and lips and stubble. And holy shit. You knew he was good with his mouth, his kisses had showcased that talent already. But this was on a whole other level. He knew exactly where to lick and suck and lightly bite just after a few moments of getting to know you down there. And he was quite enjoying himself too, proud that you were having such a wonderful experience bought on by him and only him. It was certainly wonderful if you were now hesitantly rocking your hips up, trying for more but being scared to take it. In encouragement of your new found boldness, Bj reached one of his hands under you, grabbing hold of your ass and hoisting you closer to his mouth, and the other taking your fist balled in the sheets and placing it on the back of his head. You took direction well and gripped a hold of his hair, knowing from past make outs that this was generally a good move. "Fuck babes you're a natural" he muttered between your thighs, the vibration feeling like magic. Soon enough a finger was added, and then another. With encouraging vibrations from Bj such as "Cum on babes, cum on my tongue, let me get a taste of you." and "Please baby, I have to see what you look like when you cum." you were quick to finish, following his orders and unconsciously pulling him in close when you finished, covering your face with one arm. His head emerged from your thighs after one final long lick, and his grin was chesire-like. " Fuck baby. You can bet your tasty ass we're doing that again, but for now, how do you feel? You ready for the main event?" It took you a moment to come back to reality, but the sight of him licking his fingers was enough to remind you where you were and what was happening. You were ready, you were so goddamn ready. But somehow, you were still nervous. What if you did something wrong. What if you sounded weird, or felt weird, or you weren't good? Just moments after being on cloud nine, you were panicking again. And Bj could see it in the way your eyes avoided his and your arms crossed over your chest, legs slowly trying to close despite him purposefully staying in the way. "Baby, look at me. What are you all in your head about? I just got you out of there, don't climb back in." he placed light kisses on your forehead and cheeks, leaning in but still remaining firmly between your legs. "What if I'm not good?" you whispered, hating having to voice your thoughts. At this he let out a light chuckle that slowly built to full blown laughter. Only when you smacked his shoulder did he remember the sensitive situation. "I'm sorry baby. Look. I am willing to bet my undead life on the fact that you will feel and be amazing. I'm already addicted and we've barely started. Buuuut. If you do suck, which I'm not saying you will - and I'm hoping in the future you will, wheyey-but if you do suck, then that just means we have to practice right? Keep going till you're good?" his smile had started off genuine and had only grown cheekier the longer he talked. "Same as before babes, if you want to call it, I'm happy to pack my suitcases and head back down south or we can just cuddle if you like. But I will have to go and sort myself out in the bathroom if that's the case, coz babe you've got me rock hard. And i will do that, i will jerk off in the bathroom and come back to cuddle you because I care. Right now is all about going as far as you want and not a toe further. It's completely up to you." His speech earned him a few more smacks to the shoulder, but you could tell that despite the gross comments he was being genuine. And that knowledge that at the second you wanted it to end, the second it became too much, that he would stop? That was enough to push you over the edge. "Beetlejuice?" at the mention of his full name he returned from your neck where he'd been hiding while you thought, to now look you in the eyes. Using his name in full usually meant you meant business. "I want this. And i want you to..." you blushed at this. You thought you could be bold and make a hard statement like before about wanting him to fuck you, but now he was right there and watching you. And his stubble was still slightly shiny. "Yeeeees?" he dragged out, knowing what you were trying to do and savouring your embarrassment. "I want you to... I  need you to..." You want me to what exactly? I'm like a genie babes, you gotta tell me what you want for your wishes to come true." " Oh screw you Lawrence, I want you to fuck me, okay? " " Oh fuck yeah babes, one romantic plowing coming right up." At this point Bj had become a tightly wound spring and saying his first name was enough to make him snap. Before you could even smack his shoulder for the final time, his cock was at your entrance, him taking just a moment to smirk at you and receive an almost begrudging nod before sliding straight in. You were wet enough that it was an easy job to get in to the hilt straight away, balls resting against your ass. All you could do was breathe. It felt great but odd and you needed just a moment. Beej leaned in for a soft kiss to your lips before asking "ready babes?" and you muttered an mmhmm. He started off gentle, easing in and out, but that pace grew to be too little too slow for both of you. When your hips began meeting his, that was when Bj took it as a sign to roughen up just a little. Just so you could get a taste of the future to come. The pace wasn't punishing but it was hard, and it wasn't long before you were struggling to keep up. In an effort to still contribute, you resorted to mouthing and biting at his neck, while your hands swapped between pulling his hair and scratching down his back. You knew Bj liked it a little rough, and you were right. Your actions causing him to go harder than even he had anticipated, but nothing too far. It wasn't long before the two of you were essentially babbling broken praises and moans at each other. And the second Beej took his thumb and brushed it over your clit was all the stimulation you needed to cum for the second time. However when you tried to cover your face again, a hand reached and pinned your arm above your head. Bjs eyes locking with yours as you moaned up and at him. And seeing you, eyes glazed over and listening to you swap between crying Beetejuice and Lawrence was enough for him to lose it. The reality was better than any fantasy he could've imagined. He came inside, mirroring your act of moaning your partners name. And despite being fairly fucked out, the sight did manage to turn you on a fair bit. This sex demon who could lay with whoever he wanted was not only with you but was crying out for you. And rutting out his final few drops cum into you. Once he had finished, Bj was slow to remove himself from you, missing the warmth already. He lay on top of you, not using his full weight, but definitely making sure you felt him covering you. "Soo... You definitely don't need practice." he stressed the 'need' while making side eyes at you, "buut, it couldn't hurt to have it anyway. In fact, as a sex expert, a sexpert, i would recommend practicing as often as possible." You both let out a breathless laugh at this, knowing future practice would definitely come. "So how was it?" this time his tone was far more genuine. "Thank you. It was perfect. Mr sexpert." you offered him a kiss on the cheek. He cheered himself and his doctorate of fuckery as you went to the bathroom to clean yourself up, waving away his offers to come help given his phd in aftercare. When you returned, he had a retrieved a glass of water and arranged the blankets into a nice nest for you to tuck into. Once comfortably inside and tucked up against him you began to drift off to sleep. "Thank you for letting me be the one." Bj whispered into your ear. "I wouldn't have it any other way beetle."

[tammy-gregorio]

treacherous.

I wrote this while listening to the taylor swift song of the same name. it’s a good soft song and it reminds me of them. also, SPOILERS FOR 6X06 LITERALLY DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU EITHER DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED OR HAVEN’T GOTTEN TO IT YET.

Hannah’s words echoed in Tammy’s head as she made the short drive to the other agent’s house. Sebastian was hanging out with Patton, leaving Tammy alone in their house for the night. She had been alone with her thoughts for too long, she needed to be around someone else. Hannah was her first thought, she had offered to listen to Tammy if she ever wanted to talk, especially so after Chris’ death. Tammy had dealt with loss before, but this was much more than she could handle on her own.

After sitting in her car for five minutes while gathering her thoughts, Tammy finally took a deep breath and made her way to the front door. She could feel her chest tighten and for a brief moment, she considered turning back and returning to her house. The autumn breeze wrapped itself around Tammy’s frame and tossed her hair around, sending shivers down her spine.

The moment Tammy reached Hannah’s front door, she stopped in her tracks and focused her sight on the bushes nearby as she tried to rehearse exactly what it was she would say to Hannah. Normally, she wouldn’t be this nervous but she felt their dynamic had changed recently. She was always comfortable going to Hannah if she wanted to talk through anything, but this time just felt different. Her emotions were heightened in light of recent events and she didn’t know how to control them. Luckily, she hadn’t been in a situation where she had to up until now. It was as if her feelings toward Hannah were intensified but that wasn’t something she could deal with now. She needed to push her feelings down more now than ever.

“Gregorio? What’s going on?” Hannah asked softly, pulling Tammy’s head out of her thoughts.

Tammy’s head whipped up and she met Hannah’s concerned eyes. “I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry,” she whispered before turning to walk back to her car. As she began to make her first step away, Tammy felt Hannah’s hand wrap around her forearm.

“No, come in. I’ll get us a few beers. It seems like you could use it.”

Hannah walked back into her house, leaving Tammy standing in the cold. She took a moment to herself before following Hannah inside, trying everything in her power to ignore the burning sensation on her arm where Hannah’s hand had been less than a minute ago. There hadn’t even been skin contact but Tammy swore she had felt her flesh burning under the jacket she wore.

Tammy followed Hannah all the way into the kitchen, where she leaned against the doorframe and crossed her arms over her chest as she watched Hannah move effortlessly through the room. A smile grew on her lips and suddenly she was much more relaxed than she had been at the front door. Being near Hannah in such a familiar situation calmed any nerves Tammy had felt before entering the house and she finally felt like she could breathe again.

When Hannah emerged from the refrigerator, she spun around to set the bottles on the countertop but was surprised to see Tammy watching her. She let out a soft laugh before shaking her head at the woman and opening a nearby drawer to fish out the bottle opener. After opening the bottles with shaking hands, Hannah led Tammy to the couch in the living room where they could sit down and talk about whatever was plaguing Tammy’s mind.

The two settled in a comfortable silence, both women paying more attention to their drinks than to each other. Hannah knew Tammy had a lot on her mind, but she didn’t want to push the woman to speak to her. Things always occurred naturally between them, it was something she loved about their friendship.

After a few minutes of silence, Tammy finally spoke up. “How did you know I was out there?”

“I was sitting in here and I saw headlights pulling in. I recognized your car and I waited for you to get out of your car to see if you were going to stay. I almost came out there at one point while you were sitting in your car but I wanted to give you whatever time you needed.”

Tammy smiled at Hannah’s respectfulness and looked down at the drink in her hands rather than responding to her. She wasn’t sure how to start talking, there were too many topics eating away at her mind. She took another swig of the beer before opening her mouth to speak again.

“There’s just stuff I can’t stop thinking about.”

Hannah watched Tammy carefully, waiting for the woman to go into more detail. After a few moments passed and Tammy hadn’t spoken up again, Hannah decided to be the person to fill the silence. She took a deep breath and set her bottle on the coffee table in front of the couch, running her hand through her hair as she moved back to sit with her back against the cushion.

“It’s the same for me. I found myself worrying more about Naomi, I had never considered how dangerous this job truly is. Every night I get to come back home to her is a gift that I haven’t been appreciating as much recently. This put a lot of things into perspective for me,” Hannah sighed. Her eyes focused on her hands that were now toying with the hem of the sweater she was wearing, it was much easier than looking at Tammy. “I keep wondering what I would do if it was you. Losing LaSalle made me realize I could lose you at any minute.”

Tammy was unsure of what exactly she was feeling in that moment — it felt like Hannah was hinting at more than she was saying, but she wasn’t sure if she was just overthinking things in her emotional state. Her eyes roamed over Hannah’s face, searching for any sign of what she was feeling. The sadness was apparent in her features, but there was something else Tammy couldn’t place. She had seen hints of it before when she was talking to Hannah, but she could never figure out exactly what it was. At this moment, however, the feeling was etched deeper into Hannah’s face.

“I don’t want to imagine anything happening to you before I got to do this,” Hannah whispered before leaning across the couch. One hand cupped Tammy’s cheek and brought their lips together while the other prevented Hannah from completely falling on top of Tammy.

Despite being short-lived, the kiss was gentle and sweet. Tammy hadn’t been expecting the kiss, reminding her that she needed to brush up on her profiling skills. Hannah was always full of surprises with these newly stated feelings not being the first.

“Oh.” Tammy felt bad for giving such a minimal response, but she wasn’t sure of her feelings at the moment. Although she was very appreciative of the kiss, it all just felt off. She was still mourning one of her close friends, yet here she was kissing a member of the team.

Hannah’s face fell immediately and she moved back to her end of the couch. She was completely flustered by Tammy’s response and she was embarrassed that she had acted on her feelings.

“I’m so sorry, Tammy. I was reading everything completely wrong.”

Tammy shook her head, grabbing Hannah’s hand. She interlaced their fingers and smiled softly at the woman. “You didn’t. I just wasn’t expecting it at the moment. And honestly, I feel selfish for enjoying myself when one of my closest friends just died.” She sighed deeply and focused on their hands. Tammy’s thumb traced soft circles on the back of Hannah’s hand, hoping to convey her acceptance of Hannah’s confession.

Hannah bit her lip and nodded. “I don’t know if it’s really my place to say it, but you can’t live your life thinking that you’re being selfish for living your life. Chris wouldn’t want you to be moping around and worrying that you’re being inconsiderate to him. You know how much he wanted you to be happy, he was one of your closest supporters when it came to dating.”

The thought of LaSalle cheering her on while she finally found happiness for herself brought a bittersweet smile to Tammy’s face. She knew Hannah was right, this is exactly what he would have wanted for her.

“Besides,” Hannah said softly, “we don’t have to move too quickly. I just wanted you to know how I feel. I couldn’t hold it in any longer.”

Tammy nodded and moved to sit right next to Hannah. She wrapped her arm around Hannah’s waist before resting her head on the agent’s shoulder. At that moment, Tammy felt all of the thoughts that had been plaguing her mind finally leave. It was just her and Hannah in the living room together, anything that was outside of the room was long forgotten.

The two sat on the sofa together for quite some time, simply asking each other random questions to get to know the other and listening as the other told stories from her past. Things didn’t seem much different than they were before, with the exception of the closer proximity rather than sitting on opposite ends of the couch. Before Hannah had realized it, she heard her voice asking Tammy to stay. They needed each other for the night, any further discussion of their relationship could wait until the next day.

tags: @evazarovas @jimmybpride @stanathanxoox @hannah-sloane-38 @lgcoffeeaddict

masterlist

[xialing-gf]

she (mj x reader)

7th installment in my songfic series

Summary (based on the song She by dodie): falling in love with your best friend, mj, was a wild, but beautiful journey

Wc: 2201

Tw: questioning of sexuality, coming out to not really accepting parents

Playlist (Listen to while reading this fic!):

❀she by dodie

❀growing pains by coin

❀bad ideas by tessa violet

❀smithereens by twenty one pilots

❀focus by allie x

“I am so glad to be here today. I never thought I would ever be standing here. If you told me I was going to be giving a speech at a Pride Parade as the representative of my high school’s GSA club five years ago, I wouldn’t have believed you. I’m so grateful for everything that has helped me turn into the person I am today. I’m so glad to have been through this journey, despite its low moments and confusing aspects. But if I hadn’t ever questioned who I was, I might’ve never ended up with the love of my life, who in fact, is standing right in front of me right now,” The pride sticker Michelle stuck on your face shifted as you smiled, gesturing to your girlfriend who was standing at the front of the crowd.

MJ waved, blushing a faint, cherry cola red color spreading across her cheeks as everybody clapped and cheered. Your hands were shaking under the podium out of fear but you kept your voice strong and steady as you conveyed your speech to the crowd. You never imagined this moment happening and was still to try to comprehend the importance and full scale of this event that you were speaking at.

“So many of you here today have found yourself or are in the process of finding yourself. If you haven’t found yourself yet, that’s completely okay. Today, I’m going to be sharing my journey with you to let you how rocky the road truly is. The struggle LGBT+ people go through on a daily basis is never explicitly discussed so I hope after I share my story with you, more people will come forward and share their stories of love, heartbreak, struggle, pain, and discovery,” Your smile grew wider as your statement earned a smatter of applause. As you gazed into the audience, you looked into people’s eyes, emotionally bonding with them through an unspoken, shared struggle. “It all began when…”

“... can we go to the park again? Mom, we’re done with the coloring pages the teachers gave to us,” You glanced hopefully up at your mom with Michelle, who was flashing puppy eyes by your side, and crossed your fingers behind your back, hoping for her to say yes. Your mother seemed reluctant and a little apprehensive of your request, but after a thought or two, she gave in.

“Alright, you two can go to the park. Come back before dinner!” Your mother called after you and MJ as you both took off the moment you heard the word “alright”. You and MJ loved going to a local park and creating flower crowns and all your kindergarten classmates envied the flower petals stuck in MJ’s hair and the twigs tangled in yours. Everybody, even those with best friends, envied your bond with MJ.

After finishing homework at your house or MJ’s, you and Michelle usually went to the park and in addition to braiding flowers into each other’s hair and making flower crowns, you both explored the playground, swung on swings, and played hide-and-seek. Sometimes, Michelle climbed up the large willow tree that moped on the vibrant green field nearby and encourage you to join her up in the branches and leaves. You attempted to climb up the tree a couple times but always chickened out.

As time passed, you and Michelle grew older and suddenly, the playground was too small for the both of you. In 2nd grade, you both were already making plans to explore the entire world, vowing to one day leave New York and travel to Australia, Europe, Africa, and every other possible place. By 3rd grade, you both created and wore friendship rings on your thumbs that later barely fit on your pinkie.

5th grade was when you and Michelle began to have sleepovers every Saturday night and continued this tradition even until now. At first, sleepovers were like any other play date but extended throughout the night. You would play many card and board games (except for monopoly; you and Michelle decided it was a game for boring adults) and as you grew older, it became video games like Just Dance and Wii Sports.

In 7th grade, you and Michelle stopped playing games during these sleepovers and began to talk about life and the absurdity of society. Sleepovers were almost like a what’s-wrong-with-society-and-how-we-can-fix-it club as your love for activism was rooted in your discussions with Michelle. One day, you brought up the topic of the LGBT+ community that twisted your perspective on life in a different direction.

“So, what are your thoughts on the LGBT community?” You asked, staring up at the ceiling as you lay next to her in your sleeping bag. Crickets chirped outside Michelle’s window as a momentary silence fell over the both of you after you asked.

“Well, I’m… actually part of the community,” Michelle slowly answered, an unfamiliar tone coating her words. During all of the years you knew Michelle, you never had heard her use such an uncertain tone. She was always confident, slightly aggressive, and unapologetically herself. But the tone she used when stating she was part of the LGBT community made her sound fragile and cautious.

“Oh, okay,” You nodded slowly, hoping to express that you weren’t that shocked when in reality, you were very surprised Michelle wasn’t heterosexual. But then again, Michelle was unbelievably talented at keeping secrets. “I’m lesbian. By the way,” Michelle reluctantly added, hoping that it would clear up her previous, vague statement a bit more. You offered a small smile and nodded again, remembering the article you read about how to react if somebody came out to you. It wasn’t like you weren’t used to people who were part of the LGBT+ community-there were a couple bisexual and gay people in your grade-but it was sort of shocking realizing the person you thought you knew the most had kept something from you for a long time.

The peaceful silence turned into an uncomfortable one and Michelle awkwardly asked, “You don’t mind, do you? Me being a lesbian isn’t going to ruin our friendship, right? Are we going to stop having sleepovers?”

“No, of course not! Just because you’re lesbian, it doesn’t change anything between us. You’re still the same old Michelle,” You reassured Michelle quickly, hoping that she didn’t get a wrong impression of your feelings by the silence. It was a lot to process, and there was a nagging thought at the back of your mind that resurfaced during this conversation.

“Oh, good. Well, let’s call it a night. I’m kind of tired,” Michelle announced, rolling over in her bed and pulling her blankets up to her shoulders. “Night.”

“Night,” You mumbled back as you nestled yourself in your sleeping bag, trying to not think too much about the conversation. Eventually, you managed to fall asleep, but when you woke up, you realized what had been bothering you. You never entertained the idea that you liked girls but when Michelle admitted she did, for some reason, it seemed to open up new doors and for the first time in your life, you started wondering if you weren’t straight.

~

Throughout eighth grade, you constantly suffered through an inner turmoil of questioning your sexuality. You had always thought girls were extremely pretty but never had the guts to admit it. Ever since a young age, heterosexuality was established as a norm. You never really considered any of your affections for girls until now. Now that you knew a label for these different kinds of feelings for people, you began to question everything you learned from a young age.

Michelle has a suspicion that was something was on your mind and asked you almost constantly why you were zoning out or what you were thinking about, but you always brushed it off with a simple “I’m tired, that’s all”. You didn’t want to talk about your feelings and thoughts because you were afraid that if you said what was on your mind aloud, it would make all your thoughts true.

Soon, you couldn’t hold it in any longer and one day, you looked at yourself in the mirror, took a deep breath in and admitted out loud, “I think I might not be straight.”

The shattering, screaming silence after your words was deafening, and you realized that now that you admitted it out loud, your life made sense. You still had no idea what label to put on yourself and it took months for you to finally match your feelings to a name: bisexual.

You worked up the nerve to tell Michelle when you two were eating lunch under the cool shade of a giant tree. You had put down your sandwich and cleared your throat before you spoke, “MJ, I have something to tell you.”

“Hm?” Michelle looked up from her lunch, her eyes widening with curiosity. One of her curls fell across her forehead and she brushed it aside, leaning a bit more forward to give you her undivided attention.

“I just wanted to let you know that I’m bisexual. I’ve been thinking about it a lot,” You tried not to rush your words like you did when you were nervous. Surprisingly, Michelle didn’t really react all that much; she simply nodded her head and replied, “Cool. Thanks for telling me.”

After Michelle’s reaction, your unreasonable worries that she wouldn’t accept you faded away. Nothing changed between you two and in fact, your confession had brought you closer together.

High school started and you were faced with an array of new variables to deal with including an increase in homework assignments and tests. Additionally, you and Michelle welcomed Peter Parker and Ned Leeds into your friend group. There was also a Gay-Straight Alliance club that you and Michelle were debating on joining.

Freshmen year was mostly a year if you trying to figure out how high school worked. Sophomore year was when you worked on your personal life. You came out to your parents and since they were traditional-type parents, they had a hard time understanding what “bisexual” meant. They weren’t a hundred percent supportive and implied that they didn’t really accept you yet based on their limited knowledge of the term, but they hadn’t really gotten mad at you so you took that as a positive sign.

Another change in your life was that you and Michelle decided to join the GSA. You both began helping out with raising awareness and advocating for equality for people of all genders, sexualities, and races in school by making posters and volunteering at fundraising events.

You also began studying with Michelle after school at the library and you would often get distracted and start writing notes in the corner of Michelle’s notebook. She would reply to those notes and you would have full on conversations with her through writing. One day, when you both were stringing together a silly story through a jumble of words, you glanced at Michelle and realized how beautiful she looked with her curls spilling across her forehead and a smile illuminated by the sunlight. Suddenly, you realized that you were crushing on your best friend.

Junior year was the year you worked up the courage to ask Michelle out. Peter and Ned had been pressuring you to ask Michelle out to a school dance ever since you admitted you had a crush on her. After you and Michelle watched a movie together (as friends), you drove her home and while you walked her to the door, you asked, “Hey MJ, you know how prom is in a month, right? Well, I was wondering if you wanted to go with me to prom as a date.”

“I’d be delighted,” Michelle smiled, blushing in the dim shine of the house’s porch light. Once she went into her house, you held your triumphant excitement until you got into your car.

Prom was better than you had ever imagined. You and Michelle danced together during the slow dance but when the DJ began playing “hype songs”, you both left prom to get sushi. You and Michelle never really officially determined when you started dating. Sometime after prom, you and Michelle began calling hanging out dates and holding hands in hallways. Kissing and cuddling were saved for when you both had time alone.

Senior year was the year when you were elected as representative of the GSA, meaning that you would represent your school’s GSA at public events. Michelle was elected as the president, which didn’t come as a surprise since she actively participated in the club the most. And now…

“... I’m standing here in front of all of you, hoping that my story has reminded you all of how hard the journey of finding yourself is,” You spoke into the microphone, standing up straighter and looking into people’s eyes.

“The world is a complicated place and one day, if this day hasn’t come to you already, you will find who you are and who you love. Thank you for listening.”

The crowd cheered and clapped, but the only person you were paying attention to was the love of your life, Michelle Jones.

~

go to my marvel page on my tumblr for more marvel fics!

search the tag #sam’s songfic series for more songfics in this series!

[deniigi]

i read that one minific about rio mothering matt in itsv and now i totally hc that when claire is out of town rio insists on taking care of him. btw i really love like all your fics and i’ve read in technicolor and dfv a hundred times. your writing style is so clean and funny and perfect and i just Love everything about you and your fics. if you don’t mind me asking, how did you develop your writing style into what it is now? do you still find it changing occasionally?

Heya boo!

Aw, thanks for reading/re-reading! I love to hear that people go back to the work!!

As for the writing style: this is a big question!

I wish I could tell you that I had such-and-such method to develop, but really? I think I just wrote a fuckload and this is where I ended up. And things are always changing. Right now I’m having this problem where the work isn’t doing what I want it to in terms of producing meaning, and so I’m struggling with finding the balance between big-picture ideas, prose, dialogue, and story length, which might result in a few shorter one-shots here in the future, we’ll see.

There are some things, though, which I can probably explain which might be helpful to others who are trying to like, paddle through the tides of style, so I’ll go in to that here:

POV/Perspective

So back in the days of yore, I had this like vendetta against fics written from characters’ and outsiders’ POVs because they felt really cheap to me and I didn’t like someone deciding for me what a character thought about X,Y, and Z. So that meant that I read a lot of like, omniscent-esque type of work which was fine, but which can oftentimes come across as lacking warmth.

It can feel a little empty, you know?

As I read more work (fic and original), I started to figure out that it wasn’t the character/outsiders’ POV I had a problem with, it was more of the characterization of those narrators. Like, if you are writing from the POV of a grown man, your character shouldn’t be talking and acting and reflecting on themselves like a 15 yo. The dissonance there, I think, is what made me really dislike these kinds of fics because I felt like they were more about the author than the character. And that felt extremely selfish to me.

In published and original fiction, that’s totally fine. But in fanfic, that can be incredibly distracting, borderline annoying.

So I started to think very hard about people’s interests, motivations, and reactions. I tried to empathize with characters where they were at, rather than what I wanted them to be. And that’s how I’ve found myself very comfortable writing in the POV style.

I am comfortable writing within limits and those limits should be embraced, I think, rather than eschewed. They create these little pockets of irony, where the reader knows more than the narrator does and there is so much potential in evoking emotion and playing with suspense there.

Narration/Description/Dialogue

So I found your description of the work as ‘clean’ extremely interesting, anon, because at first I couldn’t tell if you meant that I don’t do a whole lot of sexual humor or if you meant that the work is fairly straightforward and tidy.

I presume you mean the latter, and having recently read work that feels ‘messy,’ I think I understand what you mean.

So when I write descriptions and ‘set the scene’ around dialogue, so to speak, I focus on imagery, timing, and feeling more than I focus on detail.

Readers are intelligent, capable human beings who do an amazing job in filling the gaps that I leave. I don’t need to make them see things exactly as I do. I can just give them the framework and let them run wild. As long as they get the emotion I’m trying to convey in the work, then I’m happy.

Furthermore, I don’t lay into detail like some other authors do because I just cannot stand huge blocks of text on my screen. I don’t have the patience to slog through that kind of thing. It does not bring me pleasure, it just makes me impatient. I will skip down to dialogue in reading when I start to feel like the descriptions are lagging or slowing down my enjoyment of a piece. And I don’t want my readers to feel like they have to do the same.

So I use spacing and long and short sentences very carefully to set the pace of my story telling. Rhythm is super important in this kind of thing. So in the last fic I wrote, darling you’re stars, I just leaned into the rhythm of syllables as I wrote them, focusing less on dialogue and more on texture. This obviously creates a very different feeling than the stop, hold, and start rhythm of my other pieces.

I use this type of syllable dragging and swaying when I want my reader to feel what I’m feeling, in terms of emotion, I suppose. It works very well for those more serious moments.

I use spacing to achieve a similar effect for those less serious moments. For example, if I put a paragraph break here

you have to pause just a hint to move on to the next one, and that kind of forces my readers to pause/take a breath with me and acknowledge that beat of silence or action before moving onto the next part of the story.

Spacing helps immensely with things like clarity and impact because it separates out ideas and makes things just generally easier/less tiring on the eye.

So yeah, my earlier work didn’t have as much space in it, but the work now has embraced space as an aesthetic and functional part of story-telling.

Anyways, that’ll all I’ve got to say on style for now. Hope that answers your question anon!

[yasuda-yoshiya]

Hey there. Sorry to bother you. I read your write up on The House in Fata Morgana and I really love how you go into such detail on the second half, especially with The Maid. I agree with her being wasted potential, especially when Michel’s love is enough to erase centuries of psychological and emotional trauma and amnesia in the span of one minute. My question is, how would you handle the Maid’s arc while keeping the setup the same? This got long, sorry. But I have a lot of thoughts about her.

Aaahhh, it’s absolutely no bother at all; thank you for getting in touch! It’s great to hear from you, and I’m very grateful for the kind words about my incoherent babbling. Giselle/the Maid is honestly one of my absolute favourite fictional characters and it’s really hard to find any real discussion or meta around her within Fata’s tiny English-speaking fandom, so I’m always super excited to hear from other people who feel the same way about her!

Okay, this got really long so I’ll stick it under a cut:

I have actually put a lot of thought into how the Maid’s story could have been handled and resolved better (and even drafted elaborate AU fanfic about it, for that matter), so I’ll try and put some of that into words here. Prior to door 8, I honestly feel like the broad structure of the Maid’s arc as it exists ingame does actually hit most of the major emotional notes that it needs to; it just rushes through each of them so fast and gives them so little narrative weight that they’re not really able to have the impact that they should, especially when door 8 then goes on to completely ignore the whole thing. So for the most part, I’d lean more towards heavily fleshing out the existing content rather than making any real changes to the structure of the plot overall. Door 8 is the point where I feel that her writing completely falls apart and needs to be rebuilt from the ground up.

As for how exactly I’d want to flesh things out, the main thing I’d want to do is to heavily extend door 6 - both the backstory itself and the conflict between Michel and Giselle in the aftermath. As I think I said in that big old write-up, to me the whole door felt more like a quick checklist of events more than a real fleshed out narrative.The way I see it, Giselle’s character arc is fundamentally about her relentlessly trying to hold on to her optimism and the core of her “self” in the face of traumatic experiences - to not let her suffering take away her smile, her energy and positivity and upbeat personality, the things she saw as defining who she was before all of this happened to her. This is portrayed very well throughout door 5, where we see Giselle very consciously deciding multiple times to try and put her suffering behind her and start over from a clean slate with positive expectations - first when she’s sent to the mansion with Michel, then at the village with Amedee, and then again when she reunites with Michel - and it’s also very effectively conveyed that the effort of constantly keeping up that positive attitude and trying to block out the scars of her trauma puts a significant strain on her (one that Michel tries to ease by explicitly accepting her scars as a part of her and telling her that she doesn’t need to hide them from him).

What ends up breaking Giselle and forcing her to detach from herself entirely and become the Maid, then, is the feeling that she’s finally collapsed under that strain and “lost herself” to the point of being unrecognisable as Giselle, of having lost everything she used to define herself by. The fact that even “Michel” doesn’t recognise her any more, the fact that she herself is barely able to keep a hold on her memories of the past and who she used to be, her body becoming cold and lifeless and losing its old warmth and energy, and the weight of the years slowly wearing down her ability to stay positive and keep believing in a happy ending - all of those pressures end up breaking her self-confidence down to the point that she can’t manage to see herself as “Giselle” any more, and the burden of even trying to keep being “Giselle” becomes too much.

In that state of mind, it’s no surprise that the alternate story that Morgana tells her - that the Maid was always just a lonely witch haunting the mansion, an impostor who became fascinated by the real Giselle and Michel, and deluded herself into believing that their story was hers - becomes so much easier to believe in. Of course she’s failing so hard at being “Giselle”, because she never was Giselle to begin with. Accepting this narrative allows her to detach herself from the weight of having to try to be Giselle, and to project those feelings and ideals from a distance on to the White-Haired Girl instead, who is everything the Maid thinks “Giselle” should be. Note the Maid’s fixation throughout the stories on the WHG’s “purity” and her unchanging nature that stays constant across all times - the qualities that she feels she herself has lost. Of course, Giselle is also very much still subconsciously projecting her own lingering feelings for Michel on to the WHG as well, as she assigns WHG the role of her “master” and “the person she waits for” - but in a context that allows her to safely detach herself as a guide, watching over the real Giselle and feeling pity for her suffering. It puts her in a position where she can be the one to reassure someone else that it’s okay for them to give up, to forget about waiting for Michel and find whatever happiness they can for themselves - without having to shoulder the shame of making that decision herself. The things she can’t accept about herself as “Giselle” become acceptable if she takes the outside role of a witch. As Fata repeatedly puts forth, tragedy becomes a lot more bearable if you think of it as “someone else’s”.

Okay, I basically just wrote three paragraphs of meta here and I’m still not much closer to actually answering your question, so it’s about time I looped back to the point. Everything I’ve outlined above is the basic outline of what I feel is intended to come across through the Maid’s arc. Now let’s talk about where I feel that door 6 fails at actually making that arc really hit home as strongly as it could have. I think the essence of the problem, at least to me, is that door 6 does a perfectly good job of laying out a very believable sequence of events that lead Giselle to become the Maid, but it doesn’t really do such a great job at portraying Giselle’s reactions in any real depth. The narration doesn’t really bring to life the feeling of someone fiercely struggling with themselves to stay positive in the same way that door 5 does, and the process of Giselle’s desperate attempts to keep hold of herself being slowly being worn down over the years gets skipped through so quickly that it’s hard to really feel the weight of it from her perspective. Just going more into depth with Giselle’s internal thought processes here, showing more of her individual reactions to the events of the first three doors and things like her frantic attempts to rationalise it as maybe being okay that the WHG doesn’t recognise her, showing the strain it puts on her to have to keep trying to find ways to frame her story in a more hopeful and positive way until she finally just can’t do it any more, would really help make the door feel like more of a complete experience.

Again, though, as I said in my old write-up, I do think a lot of what is there in door 6 is really strong and effective - a lot of the individual scenes do genuinely feel really powerful in their own right - but there’s just not quite enough there to make the whole thing really hold together as a fully realised narrative. (To put it another way, when you have even a weird side character like Yukimasa getting such a slow, thorough and nuanced exploration of his gradual descent into madness, but your main heroine’s central identity conflict and breakdown of her sense of self is rushed through in about half an hour, something has gone terribly wrong.)

The other problem that I have with door 6 - and this might be more of a personal thing - is the point it chooses to end at. The pivotal moment where Giselle actually finally chooses to disown her old identity and accept Morgana’s story as the truth goes by so quickly that you could almost miss it, and then after that the door is pretty much over, short timeskip to the end of Jacopo’s era aside. Considering how much emphasis the earlygame puts on the Maid’s preoccupation with stories, and how important the story of door 4 is to her in particular, I always felt more than a little disappointed by how little time is given to Giselle’s internal reaction to Morgana’s story when she hears it, or to how she processes it and sorts out her feelings about it afterwards; how she uses it as a way to reframe her own story in a way that’s more manageable to her, and how it hurts to let go of it. Even the most basic point of the Maid passing her old identity on to the WHG isn’t actually touched on by the text of door 6 at all. It just really feels like a lot of wasted potential, since the Maid’s relationship with the narrative of door 4 is probably the single most interesting part of the character to me, and I think it could easily have been elaborated on a lot more here in a way that would make the arc as a whole much stronger. (Although now that I think about it, I think I might have pretty much made a lot these points already in my old write-up, so I might just be repeating myself now? Whoops? It’s been a while, sorry!)

So that pretty much covers my feelings on what I would have liked to see from the Maid’s backstory. Now I can move on to talk about how I’d want to handle the resolution, which was probably the main point of your question to begin with! I think the biggest problem with the Maid’s turnaround as it stands is that it feels so easy, with very little real struggle or conflict - as you said, it really does feel like all of Giselle’s issues as the Maid are just flat-out “erased” in a matter of minutes, and she just reverts back to her old self entirely. And that feels incredibly wrong to me, because it seems to basically uncritically validate Giselle’s ideal of herself as someone who can hold on to her cheerful attitude and just block out her suffering entirely as if it never happened - which feels totally at odds with the the rest of her narrative up to that point stressing how much of a burden she placed on herself with that unrealistic expectation and how trying to live up to that impossible ideal ended up tearing her apart completely.

I think it would have worked a lot better to instead put the focus on Giselle’s resolution on challenging that ideal for herself, and letting her realise that she doesn’t have to be that ideal unchanging person she wants “Giselle” to be - that even if she has changed, she’s still Giselle, and still the same person Michel loved (Requiem’s epilogue briefly touches on this idea too). To accept the Maid as something that came from her, that’s a part of her, and that she doesn’t have to be ashamed of or make into an entirely different person to accept. The Maid believed that she’d lost her humanity entirely and become unrecognisable as herself, but when it came down to it, Michel did still recognise her, and still sees the person he loved in her. And some part of Giselle evidently still recognised and reached out to Michel as the person she had really been waiting for, too, even after she’d supposedly rewritten her story entirely to put the WHG in that role. The way her suffering ended up shaping her into someone like the Maid doesn’t make her inhuman; the ways she’s reacted to her suffering by trying to change into someone else are themselves human and relatable, they’re understandable and okay reactions for Giselle to have had in her situation, and the Maid is still someone Michel is perfectly capable of deeply empathising with and feeling love for.

Because in the end, the heart of Michel’s love for Giselle wasn’t ever really dependent on her always staying a bright and cheerful person who never stops smiling and always stays positive and never gives into despair; it was a relationship between two deeply wounded people who connected with each other through their shared experience of suffering. In blocking out and trying to forget the painful aspects of her past, in replacing them with a gently beautiful fairytale of a tragic love between two totally pure and selfless people, Giselle ended up losing what was really important about their relationship - that neither of them had ever been perfect, that they’d both been irreparably hurt by their trauma, but they still loved and understood and accepted each other, scars and all. Her remembering Michel as such a perfectly pure and flawless person is very sweet in its way, but it actually ended up turning her memory of him into someone so perfect that she couldn’t possibly live up to him or keep believing that he’d love someone like her - as is a running theme in Fata, blocking out the pain of their past ended up also blocking out the real significance of the connection they’d managed to make with each other through that pain.

So, approaching the end of door 6 and the Maid’s final resolution through that lens, I think I would put a lot more emphasis on Michel getting through to Giselle by his understanding and acceptance of what she’s been through and how it’s changed her, and by his own simple empathy with her and love for her as a fellow flawed and scarred human being. I think I’d also want to make that process of him getting through to her and coming to understand her a lot more difficult and painful than it came across in canon - I think a lot of things about the Maid’s attitude should have been difficult for him to understand and come to terms with for a while, especially when it comes to her wanting to cling on to her own story and push a false identity on to him instead of confronting the truth, which would hit a particularly bad spot for Michel at first. For example, with those small breakpoint scenes midway through door 5 where Michel and the Maid are reacting to the retelling of their memories, I’d want to have the Maid be a lot more fierce and persistent at first about denying that these really are her true memories, and denying the idea that the Giselle she sees in door 5 could ever possibly have been her - I’d want to see her trying a bit harder to defend the protective narrative she’s built up for herself in the face of Michel’s brutal attacks on it, and Michel maybe initially lashing out in frustration at that, until he slowly comes to recognise the basic emotions behind her actions as essentially sympathetic and familiar from his own experience of severe isolation, recalling how it had made him want to shut his heart off in much the same way.

Michel having to accept his own responsibility in leaving Giselle alone to deal with all this in the first place - for underestimating just how much she needed him - is also something that’s going to be difficult for both of them to deal with, but it’s something that I think they needed to more explicitly acknowledge and work through with each other because it’s important in the sense of Giselle being able to remember that Michel is a flawed and imperfect person too. (The Michel in door 4 explicitly did make the choice to die together with Giselle instead of leaving her alone, again reinforcing Giselle’s inaccurate memory of him as someone pure and perfect.) The Maid’s issues with her repressed resentment for Michel and with her own self-image are obviously very deep-seated to an extent that actually fully “resolving” them in just one conversation with Michel isn’t at all realistic, but I do feel that the process of actually having to talk things through with the real Michel would start to remind her of what their connection actually felt like after all those years of turning it into an abstract archetypal love story, and of how Michel was always someone she loved for being an approachably flawed and awkward person rather than any kind of perfect ideal - and to start to believe that maybe it’s okay for her to be flawed too, that her flaws could still be a part of her humanity and part of “Giselle” rather than something that makes her inhuman. As has always been the case with these two, humanising each other helps them to humanise themselves. Dealing with everything that’s happened is inevitably still going to be a difficult process for both of them, but I think Fata could have believably gotten them to a point where they’re at least starting down the right path without just lazily erasing Giselle’s issues and brushing the whole thing off. It’s a difficult balance to strike, but I do feel that Fata manages that delicate balance in other places and could have done so here, if a bit more care had been put into the writing.

From there, I’d keep the flow of the story as it stands - Michel and Giselle try to leave the mansion, Morgana stops them, and Salvage and Door 7 proceed as before. So the next thing to talk about here is Door 8. As it stands, the portrayal of Michel and Giselle’s relationship in door 8 is basically all about Michel gradually breaking out of his shell with Giselle’s support; as I think I said in that old write-up, I think it would have been much more effective if the focus was instead on the two of them supporting each other to start to break out of their respective periods of isolation and reclaim themselves as human beings who are still capable of living in the world and connecting with other people. Rather than Michel and Giselle’s dynamic just reverting to how it was in door 5, I would have liked door 8 to have them starting to develop a new dynamic to reflect how Giselle has changed, and to present her having to learn how to act like a “real person” again as more of a difficult and gradual process. Giselle really has irreversibly changed in many ways, but she’s also far from actually being unrecognisable, and I think the basic idea of her starting to naturally take on some of her old mannerisms again as she talks to Michel could have been genuinely sweet and touching if it felt a bit morenuanced and earned in its execution - starting to reclaim her identity as a human rather than a witch, as someone who’s still capable of feeling human emotions and having human connections, in the same way that Michel is gradually brought out of his shell by the events of door 8 and starts to be able to believe in himself once again as a person who’s capable of living in the world without being rejected or treated as an outcast. I think my ideal version of door 8 would focus a lot more on Michel and Giselle helping each other through that process.

Well, if I permit myself to indulge in full-on wish fulfillment here, my real ideal scenario would honestly be for Giselle to actually be physically there in door 8 and have her and Michel working together to save Morgana, with both of them getting to interact with the other characters and play an equal part as co-protagonists in the truest sense - but honestly, even without radically revising the structure and just keeping Giselle as a voice in Michel’s head, I think she could still have easily been given much more of her own personal arc within door 8 rather than just serving as an extension of Michel’s. One thing that’s really potentially interesting to me about door 8 is Giselle having to come face-to-face once again with the people from doors 1-3 who she had so strongly detached herself from and treated as supporting characters in the WHG’s story, to be picked apart from a distance as tragically flawed protagonists. I feel like the Maid was pretty clearly projecting a lot of her own feelings on to these people’s stories, using them to explore her own issues in a way that felt safer by framing them as “someone else’s problem” - so how does she feel seeing these people again, now that she’s self-aware enough to realise what she was doing? I think there’s a lot of interesting material to explore there.

With Yukimasa’s story, for example - before, as the Maid, she wouldn’t have been capable of articulating that her complex feelings about Yukimasa’s narrative and her wish for him to find happiness as Bestia were projections of the way she felt about herself and the way she also tried to find comfort in her own dehumanisation through a false narrative, because owning those feelings for herself would have meant acknowledging the fragility of her own coping mechanisms. But now that she’s started to come to terms with who she really is, I could see her having a lot of difficult and insecure reactions to seeing Yukimasa again, and having his story bring back Giselle’s own deep-seated fears that she’s fundamentally “not human” and deluding herself about her humanity in the same way that Bestia was. Of course, Michel would be there to help her talk through those feelings and remind her why that isn’t true - even as the Maid, she was still very recognisably human at heart - but I think that Giselle actually getting to talk those things out with Michel would go a long way toward giving proper narrative weight to her struggles and making it clear that the deep fears and insecurities she felt as the Maid aren’t just going to magically go away, the way they pretty much seemed to in canon. In the same vein, there’s plenty to explore with things like the Maid’s fixation on the theme of childhood innocence being inevitably lost with Mell and Nellie’s story, and her identification with Jacopo as someone who also tried to kill off his old self completely.

I think it would have helped tie the game together a lot better to have Giselle’s own resolution running parallel with that of the three men in this way, that seeing them being able to reach a more positive conclusion would help her to feel a bit less hopeless about her own story as well - as well as to start to see herself as her own person again, whose story doesn’t have to mirror theirs in the first place. In my ideal version of door 8, I kind of see working through their resolutions as a process of letting Giselle free herself from defining herself by these stories and from the story of the mansion’s curse as a whole, to be able to start to see herself and those around her as real people with real agency rather than as actors in a doomed, unavoidable tragedy.

But I also feel like this scenario has all kinds of potential in terms of allowing Giselle to maybe be able to reframe some aspects of “how she’s changed” in a more positive way, and to see some of the Maid’s characteristics as genuine strengths that she can draw on as well - the ability to emotionally detach from a situation and critically evaluate people and their relationships from afar can be legitimately useful in some situations too, you know? So I’d really like to have seen the Maid’s worldweary cynicism and piercing insight into people’s flaws get to be played as a strength at times, as an important complement to Michel’s lack of experience and knowledge about the world and people, rather than just a shameful phase that she has to move on from. (I think I’d definitely have liked that dynamic a lot more than the “Aww, Mell is like our best friend! We can definitelytrust him!” nonsense that canon pulled, which was just ridiculous. The Maid was absolutely brutal about Mell! Who is this person?!)

One part I really liked from the actual door 8 (and wished had been given more weight and expanded on a lot more) was Giselle saying after Mell and Nellie’s resolution that she felt bad for how she’d treated them as the Maid, sneering condescendingly at their flaws - but Michel responds that her story cutting right to the heart of their problems in that way actually helped him to fully understand them as people and how to help them, and that he couldn’t have done it without her. Making that into more of a fleshed-out arc about helping Giselle to reclaim some of the Maid’s attributes as something positive, not something she has to run away from, would have been a really satisfying resolution to me - there are absolutely real problems with dehumanising people and arranging people’s lives into a neat narrative, but there are also times that being able to detach and get that kind of overarching perspective can actually really help, if it’s done in a more balanced and self-aware way. I think going deeper into exploring this would have really done a lot to integrate Giselle and the Maid, and to tie together Fata’s whole themes as a story about people’s relationships with narrative in general.

Also, I would have really liked to see Giselle involved with the WHG’s resolution too! She spent 400 years obsessing over the WHG and defining herself in terms of the WHG’s story, after all, so I think it only seems fair to give her some closure on that and to let her play her own part in putting her to rest. Michel, Giselle and Morgana’s narratives are all connected together by each of their relationships with the WHG and their respective struggles with the pressure of the ideals she represents, so I think it would bring the whole game together nicely for the three of them to get to let go of her together.

So, I think that’s pretty much the outline of what I would have liked to see from Giselle’s arc in Fata! I hope this all made sense since I am kind of half braindead at the moment, ahaha. I would really love to hear your own thoughts about her too, though, so please don’t hesitate to share them if you can! I’d be super interested to hear your take on the character!

[dorkyungsoowrites]

Spontaneous Attraction Ch. 26

Pairings: Kyungsoo x You, Past Chanyeol x You

Genre: Fluff/Angst/Smut | Ambiguous AU

Warnings: Mild Dom/Sub play, masturbation

Word Count: 4.2k

Description: Kyungsoo does his best to respect your rules, but loopholes were okay right?

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Minutes passed. What felt like hours passed. You had discarded most of your clothes. The material hot and scratchy on your skin. Left only in your underwear, you waited lying in bed. Aimlessly staring at the ceiling, the wall, the closet. Rolling around bored out of your mind waiting for Kyungsoo. Your fingers itched to roam over warm skin and tangle in short hair. To coax those lovely little moans and trembling exhales from Kyungsoo that fed your addiction.

The door creeped open. Kyungsoo entered, flicking on the light switch. You grinned and sat up. His eyes widened slightly, and he bolted over to the dresser. You watched confused until Chanyeol entered moments later. Kyungsoo swiped a large shirt and pulled it over your head quickly.

"Hold on," you complained. He let you go. You reached back and slid your bra off, tossing it on the floor. Chanyeol shut the door behind him. You pushed your arms through the sleeves, now somewhat decent, but comfortable. You sat criss cross while Kyungsoo sat beside you on the edge of the bed. Chanyeol came closer, standing at the foot of the mattress. "What's up, Yeol?" The bright greeting didn't faze him. Some other purpose sat behind his eyes. His expression grim. "Are you okay?" Still no answer. You became worried, going to your knees and reaching out to him. "I'm sorry for earlier. Do you need a hug?" His deep brown eyes drifted around your bedroom. Lost in thought. They passed over the plain walls and shared nightstand, catching the condom packet you laid out in hopes it would get used. The clean sheets and the dresser against the other wall. The knick-knacks that littered the top were the only semblage of messiness in the room. Then after floating back over to you he shook his head slowly. You dropped your arms. Feeling unsteady, you plopped back in your original position. Kyungsoo was there.

"Well?" he asked. Except it was directed at the tall rapper. Chanyeol scowled in his direction, mocking him.

"Well, first of all, how can you live with someone and not know how to ask for something?"

"I tried asking. She wasn't listening," Kyungsoo shot back. You were lost. Simply listening while they bickered.

"No you didn't ask. You told. She's a person. You can't just order her around all the time."

"Well I've never seen her like this before. I don't know what to do." Chanyeol threw his hands up in the air exasperatedly.

"Give her what she wants!"

"I can't."

"Why not? Just take off your pants and fuck her. It's not like you haven't done it before."

"I don't want to hurt her."

"Hurt her?!" Chanyeol scoffed. One of Kyungsoo's hands reached out to cover your knee. His voice remained calm and centered.

"She's not in her right mind. I don't want to take advantage of her." You caught the roll in Chanyeol's eyes. He was drunk and annoyed, you realized. He was being overly dramatic for effect. He knew Kyungsoo was right, right? Even if you wanted to break your rule in that moment.

"Fine," he sighed. "But you wouldn't need my advice if you just asked her like a normal person."

"Asked me what?" When you spoke the dense air evaporated. Chanyeol's lips stretched into a warm smile, sitting across from Kyungsoo beside you.

"Hey dove," he began softly. "Kyungsoo asked me to help you go to bed."

"But I'm not sleepy," you pouted.

"I know." His arm lifted, fingers running along your cheek before he was cupping your face. You hummed pleasantly and leaned into it. He glanced over at Kyungsoo. "See? She's not only after sex. She just wants to be held. To feel close to someone."

"I don't know about that," you chuckled. "You've always been the needier one out of us. Begging for attention so I pet your hair and stuff. Made me feel like I was taking good care of you. You're so cute, Yeol." You pushed his hand off, your own going to his ears. Tugging on them to see them stick out even further. "With your big cute ears." Down to pinch his cheeks. His face scrunched in distaste which only made you laugh. "And your cute face." Your fingers fell to grasp his hoodie limply. "It's crazy seeing you live this dream. You're this big star, and I haven't even seen one of your concerts." Tilting your head you inquired, "do you remember that day we ditched school?" His eyebrows came together before it dawned on him.

"Yeah. You cut off all your hair."

"You pushed me in a lake." Both of you cracked up laughing at the memories. After calming down your grin simmered to a nostalgic kind of smile. "I was thinking about that earlier. How you calmed me down from my anxiety attack and told me to stay in band. I never would've accomplished my dream if it wasn't for you." Your fingers fell weakly in your lap. His hand you had shoved away ghosted down your shoulder and arm, calmly stroking your skin. "What kind of person am I, huh? I keep my promises. And I promised to be there to support you." You poked a digit to his lips. They squished around it, soft and pink. "My cute, clumsy Chanyeol." He grabbed your hand loosely, moving it away from his face. "I never didn't love you, you know that right? I don't say it but I love all of you so much. Minseok, and Baekhyun, and Junmyeon, and Yixing, and--"

"I know," Chanyeol whispered sadly, silencing you. His puppy dog eyes wavered and sank down to your lap. "They all love you, too." Your fingers twitched and he released them. You immediately began carding them through his messy hair. The action was soothing for both of you. It gave you something to focus on and get your manic energy out. He had always found the feeling of fingers in his hair and lightly scratching his scalp pleasant. You didn't let his glum mood affect you. You probably seemed clueless from an outside perspective.

"Can I see you perform some time?"

"Of course."

"You're still sad. I wish I could change that."

"Stop worrying about me."

"Never. Despite when you tried to cut me out, you're still my closest friend. You're too good to me." His eyes closed, taking a deep breath. "My Chanyeol." Leaning forward, you buried your nose in his soft, fluffy locks, kissing his head. He smelled sweet. A fruity kind of sweetness from shampoo. It was so crisp and clean and nice.

"Stop saying that," he chuckled weakly. "You'll make Soo jealous." You giggled.

"Don't be ridiculous. Kyungsoo knows."

"Knows what?"

"That you get special treatment for taking care of me." His hair bounced as your digits combed through it. "Thank you." You tried to convey a million things you were thanking him for in the two simple words. He sighed softly. His next words also carried more than the surface told. Quiet, fragile words that went against everything you knew about your best friend; everything he promised your last night together.

"I can't be yours forever." Suddenly your limbs felt heavier. Your motions through his hair were slower. But somewhere in your hazy mind you knew it was the truth. He hadn't really been yours for a long time. Since that night he kissed you a year ago, you think. He stopped being a confidant the moment he betrayed his heart. Or perhaps you had been holding on to a part of him unfairly. A piece he needed to be able to truly move on, tucked away for an emergency that would never come. Nevertheless you were proud of him for saying it.

"I guess so," you acknowledged aloud.

"I need to go."

"Why?"

"Kyungsoo's waiting to go to sleep with you, and I think I did my part in calming you down."

"Oh, okay." You easily stopped and pulled away. Chanyeol flashed you a smile. "Get home safe."

"I will. Please be nice to him. He's worried over you." Your head whipped around to see Kyungsoo watching your exchange with fascination.

"You are?" He couldn't contain the quiet laugh that bubbled up out of his chest. His distinct laugh too bright for the late hours of the night. Or was it morning at this point?

"Yes."

"Aw, how sweet," you cooed lovingly. Your eyes were torn away by cajoling fingers grazing your jaw. Chanyeol was close, and his smile was still in place, and somehow you knew this one wasn't forced. Maybe your acknowledgement of his statement is what he needed to get that little sliver of himself back. Release the burden that part of him was yours still. Maybe. You could hope. His fingertips traced your cheekbone to your lips and halted under your chin.

"What you said to me all those times," he began in his deep, sincere voice. The one that sounded louder even though he was speaking lower. "I am happy. I'll always be happy as long as my friends are smiling and laughing alongside me. I may act like a baby sometimes, but I'll always have the group and you to hold me, so don't worry. I promise."

"As long as you promise." He came forward, lips pressing to your forehead gently. You closed your eyes, letting the warmth radiate out from the touch. It felt like so much more than a goodbye, and that was okay. Because he promised. As long as he was whole and happy.

After Chanyeol pulled away, he turned and left the bedroom. Kyungsoo stood. Your mind immediately switched gears and was distracted. Fear washed over you.

"Where are you going?" you whined.

"To make sure everyone leaves safely. I'll be back before you know it."

"And you won't run away?" An odd expression twisted his features.

"No," he answered slowly. "I live here."

"Okay..." you agreed begrudgingly, realizing how dumb you sounded. As you waited you spaced out staring at the cracked doorway. You could hear the laughing and fading voices of his group members saying their goodnights. A gloomy, swampy feeling settled over you. Over your head and chest. It shrouded your thoughts in a haze. Maybe you were sobering up because you felt guilt twist into your heart. Guilt over what, though? Wanting to have sex with Kyungsoo? Yes, a small voice whispered back somewhere. You worried him. You practically assaulted him in front of his friends. You were pawing at him like he was a piece of meat. How did Chanyeol ever put up with you? Give in to you even. Teenage hormones?

The sounds of water running brought your eyes back to the doorway. There was less light coming in. Quieter. He was using the bathroom, you realized. Shoulders slumped, lips pouted, you sat and waited. The water cut off. A minute later Kyungsoo's silhouette appeared, pushing the door open then shutting it behind him. He went to the dresser and started changing. You watched without really looking. Not even the sight of him peeling off his jeans that you'd craved so richly before perked you up. With a sudden new sense of patience you waited for him to get in his usual night time wear of loose boxers, but instead of coming to bed he reached in the top drawer--your junk drawer--and took out a crumpled piece of paper and a pen. He scratched the pen on it briefly before facing you with a proud smile. Your eyes widened slightly. It was the list he gave you on your anniversary. The writing was too small for you to read it from the bed, but you knew what he was showcasing. Right near the top there were three words carefully crossed out. 'Introduce to fans'.

"That's three down." Kyungsoo said it like...well...like Kyungsoo, you suppose. It didn't remind you of anything. He was happy. That's all you could notice. Genuinely excited about this list he created. His smile was contagious.

"97 left to go right?" He nodded before putting the paper and pen back in the drawer. Kyungsoo switched off the lights and finally joined you in bed after setting his glasses aside. Both of you were on your side. You faced him while he pulled the covers up your bodies. The sheets went over your shoulders, and to your surprise and delight, his fingers followed. You shivered as they slid down your arm to your waist then pulled you closer, face centimeters from his. One of your legs automatically tangled with his lower down, palms laying on his bare chest. You looked down as your eyes adjusted to the darkness, feeling his chest rise and fall slowly with his breathing. His breath smelled like mint, jarring your thoughts. You should have brushed your teeth, too. He didn't seem to care, however, when he tilted his head and puzzled your lips together. Dancing unhurried to a silent rhythm that always accompanied him. His entire existence was music to you. The beat of his measured strides, his absent humming, the melodious tones of his voice with syncopated words, the constant surprises that were somehow entirely predictable. And just like music, you realized, you couldn't ever imagine living without him.

A large hand dipped under the hem of the shirt you wore, splaying on your waist, then ran around to cradle your torso from the back. His lips broke from yours with a subtle smack, but his arm hugged you tighter to his firm body. Your breath hitched at the intimate action. He was boiling hot, but you didn't mind. It was calming. Your own arms went around his middle. Right as you found the courage to look up his eyelids drifted shut with a contented sigh. The corners of his mouth were attempting to relax, but he was still smiling a little. His hand began to move then. Gliding ever so gently up and down your spine. A barely there touch, but it seemed to spark your body on fire. You couldn't help it. Your head was still swimming with alcohol and you craved physical attention. He was only giving you a taste.

"I'm sorry," you breathed quietly. One of his eyes peeked open, mumbling,

"What for?"

"Being...how I am like this, I guess." His other eye opened. Yours averted to his chest, his neck, over his shoulder. Anywhere but those captivating brown eyes. The ones that prevented you from forming real words if you stared directly at them too closely. "Please don't go to sleep yet." Your name hummed from the back of his throat, and you had to close your eyes for a moment to collect your thoughts. What his voice alone could do to you...

"I won't risk making you feel violated. It doesn't matter if this is different from Chanyeol; you have rules for good reason and I won't put you through that."

"Not that," you replied. "Well, a little, but I'm not tired. And it's so nice when you hold me. Safe and comfortable and not lonely. I just...don't want you to think badly of me. I can't seem to help myself. I want to be close to you all the time. I'm sorry if I embarrassed you."

"What are you talking about?"

"Earlier. I kept trying to touch you. It was stupid."

"It was a myriad of things, but stupid was not one of them." You hid your face in his chest. When he realized you weren't going to say anything back he shifted to get more comfortable, wiggling his legs to encase yours more. His hand halted on your back. "Why were you worried I was going to run away?"

"Because that's what they do," you answered, words muffled.

"Who?"

"People."

"What makes you think that?"

"Because they do. When I'm drunk. No one likes me. I'm too clingy."

"I like it when you're clingy."

"Only Chanyeol likes it," you denied. "He's nice to me when I want attention. He doesn't care where we are cause he's clingy, too. It's nice."

"I'm not being nice to you?"

"You pushed me away all day." After responding you hugged him tighter. "This is nice now. I love laying with you."

"Well I honestly do like this side of you. I'm sorry for making you feel that I didn't love every part of you. I was only trying to keep you from regretting anything. But I could have been better about it."

"I could never regret anything with you," you sighed pleasantly. The darkness was beginning to invade your body, dragging your eyelids closed. "I want to spend every night with you. Even with your weird face." Kyungsoo jerked back, and you blinked wearily up at him. He was shocked to say the least. A grin stretched your lips as you giggled at the funny expression.

"Excuse me?" The arm around him came up, tracing a finger gingerly over his cheek. You poked it. The flesh squished, and he shook you off. You moved to trace the bridge of his nose. What a soft nose, you thought absently.

"Yeah, you have a weird face." Next you went around his hairline. He caught on that you were rambling to keep him awake. He began to relax, allowing you to map out his face. You continued doing your best to ignore his intense stare. How warm you were becoming the longer it stayed fixed on you. His skin was soft and supple. He worked hard to maintain a good routine since he was in and out of make-up all the time. The pad of your finger lingered over each freckle. Gliding over his cheekbones. He was holding back a smile, the corners of his mouth turning down. "You get this diamond shape around your smile," you informed him as if this was new information to him. The man who had owned said face for over two decades.

"Not a heart?" He asked, voice like honey. Soft honey. If that made sense. It probably didn't. It was the same timbre he took on when he was affected by you. His bedroom voice, so to speak.

"Not your lips," you replied. "Around them. Here." You drew where the edges of his mouth would push up the apples of his cheeks and down where it would mirror it to the point of his chin. "When you smile really big it's a diamond." Next was the indent between his nose and upper lip. You carefully traced the curves of his cupids bow.

"That makes my face weird?" he mumbled. He pursed his lips, making them puff out and you giggled.

"No, but I like teasing you, and you make a lot of weird faces when we're having sex." His eyebrows shot up, allowing his smile to break out.

"What?" You put your palm to his cheek, cupping his face.

"I like it, though. You're expressive. I like that you can't control yourself. Most of the time it's sexy more than weird."

"And when it's more weird?"

"Are you gonna be self conscious now?" you giggled. "I'm sure I make them too and I don't care."

"You're beautiful no matter what."

"See? Same goes for you. My beautiful weirdo."

"Thanks...I guess." Maybe you could try to be sneaky. You kissed him slowly, and he followed your lead. Your hand wandered down his neck and shoulder around to his lower back. Urging his body closer to yours. Heat traveled down between your legs, whimpering into his mouth. When you moved your hips against him you felt him through his boxers and smiled internally. Then he broke away and looked at you sternly. Your hopes shattered instantly. "I said no, Y/N. Just--" Kyungsoo stopped himself and sighed. His scowl softened. "Can I just hold you tonight? Please?" You dug your nails into the small of his back, whining and writhing against him.

"I need you so badly, Kyungsoo. Can't I at least get myself off if you're not in the mood? I need to cum." His eyes squeezed tightly shut, taking a calming breath.

"You don't...need permission for that," he breathed.

"But you said you're the only one who can touch me. You never let me when you're away."

"Well...I'm not away, am I?" His eyelids raised slowly. You marveled at his long eyelashes and shook your head smally. "Besides, I couldn't stop you when I was touring. You're stubborn. You'll do what you want."

"That's true," you agreed with a smile. He chuckled, fingers tracing patterns on your back.

"So you're just gonna do it here?"

"Nothing you haven't seen before." His arm released you as you rolled on to your back. "I'm just glad you're finally out of those fucking pants. I was dying watching your thighs and ass in those jeans." You threw your underwear off to the floor, leaving you in only a loose t-shirt.

"You do love a good ass."

"And you have the best," you smirked. He chuckled again.

"Why thank you. I try." You slipped one hand under the shirt, feeling your breast in your hand and teasing a nipple.

"I know. You torture me almost every morning with your stretching and yoga."

"You do it, too," he defended. It was true. You had picked it up from him. It had really improved a lot of things. Not all sexual. He needed it to get ready for work on days they had dance practice, and you liked having another thing to share with him. It was all rather domestic. Once the first week passed in all truthfullness, however, you had gotten over watching him in all the different poses because you were beside him. Not every morning, but enough you felt yourself improving. It was another thing in the background while you woke up. It helped he moved to the living room instead of waking up to him bent over on the floor of your bedroom. It also helped it was just normal stretching most mornings. Waking himself up while getting ready for a morning workout. Something you did even though you almost never worked out just because it was healthy and felt nice. But in that moment it was all fair game to quip at eachother.

Your other hand moved lower, running a finger through your center. You sucked in a breath, eyes closing. The arousal that had been building all night was evident, so you added a second finger and decided to circle your clit. You just wanted it over. You needed release from the pooling heat in the pit of your stomach. The shocks sent from your sensitive bundle of nerves meant your touch was gentle but fast. Your toes curled imagining Kyungsoo's hands on you. Replaying the breathless moans that delighted you beyond belief. Writhing as you inched closer to the edge, and you let a moan slip.

A new heat startled you, eyes snapping open. Kyungsoo had moved closer, his hand replacing yours on your breast, gently massaging and rolling your nipple between his dexterous fingers. He sat up on his elbow, pushing your shirt up and the covers down to your waist. The cold air made you shiver, but his dark eyes were there to bring new heat. It crept up your face as he gazed intently at you. The look a man gives someone he admires with all his heart. And you possessed the body he worshiped with that gaze. Your blood was racing.

"You're so gorgeous," he rasped lowly. Even though he said he wouldn't give in he was helping you. You loved he couldn't resist you. And it didn't count as breaking your rule since you were touching yourself, right? "You can do it, sugar. I know how badly you want to cum." You nodded in agreement. A whimper morphed into a groan as Kyungsoo bent over, plush lips coming over your other breast. Your free hand grappled at the sheets beside your head, arching into his mouth. His tongue swirled, sucking and kissing your chest. Your fingers stuttered their movements, but resumed soon with new purpose.

Your head was foggy. The end was right there, just out of reach. Hours of sexual frustration finally being released. You were too wound up to tease yourself. Your muscles were tensing. A silent scream lodged in your throat. The stimulation his hand and mouth added pushed you over the edge violently. You called out, voice breaking as waves of relief flooded you. Kyungsoo's mouth left you, hand running over every part of you he could, feeling your muscles shaking and jumping. His lips went to your jaw as you came down all too quickly from your high. An empty sort of pleasure replacing your need. Your satisfaction was skin deep, but it would have to do. Wiping your fingers off, you closed your eyes and relaxed. Kyungsoo's breath tickled your neck.

"I can't believe you're mine." You hummed in response, too exhausted suddenly to talk. You blindly grabbed his hand on your stomach, forcing his lips off you as you rolled back to your position on your side. You put his arm around you and did the same to him, burying your face in his chest. The next hum sounded more like a moan as you got comfortable. Chest full and happy with the person you loved holding you. The world could wait until morning.

"Night," you mumbled sleepily. His arm hugged you tightly to his body, murmuring a quiet,

"Goodnight, jagi." Then his body relaxed and soon his even breaths lulled you into sleep.

[dbhilluminate]

DBH: Illuminate- Candlelight

Characters: Amanda, Connor, Illuminate (Kate) Word Count: 3,121

Chapter Index

November 9th, 2038- 1AM

Connor awoke in his mindscape to fireflies and paper lanterns dotting a darkened sky. Lunar moths lofted between the flower bushes and night bloom water lilies as the moonlight danced across the ripples in the surface of the small lake. At the water’s edge, Amanda stood waiting for him to give her his report, lighting tea lights and sending the lanterns up into the sky one at a time. His eyes followed them as they floated across the air currents and he found himself staring at the fireflies and thinking about how beautiful the garden was that night. Sometimes he wished he could have remained to bask in its beauty for longer than a few minutes at a time.

“Good evening Amanda,” he greeted with a faint twinge of guilt in his voice for not having better news.

“Good evening Connor,” she responded as she turned toward him with a pleasant smile that faded into a frown when she saw the look on his face. “Is something wrong?”

The Android clenched his jaw and admitted, “I’m just frustrated,” before he looked up to meet her eyes, out of respect.

“Because the deviant hacker got away?” She asked as she unfolded another lantern and placed it in his hands, which he held delicately with a soft touch while she placed an unlit candle in the wire form.

“I had her in my grasp, but I was unprepared,” he explained. An understanding noise rolled in her throat as she lit the tealight for him and lifted his hands to help him release it into the drift with the others. “I didn’t realize that she also possessed the ability to hack an Android’s programming.”

“Illuminate is smart,” she concurred as she dropped her arms and tucked one hand over the other in front of her body. “It was one of the most advanced models Cyberlife has ever created. Some even argued at the time of its inception that perhaps we had endowed it with too much freedom to learn, and that one day it may learn how to free itself; now, it seems that day is indeed upon us.”

“Do you think I should focus on investigating her as part of our case on deviants?”

Amanda turned to face him and he turned with her, then took on a very serious tone as she looked him in the eyes. “I think it would be a reliable source of information on how deviancy occurs, whether it be a software glitch or a virus spreading from host to host…” her voice trailed off as her eyes dropped with it, then looked back to him as she finished her thought. “Meet with them and see what you can learn. Additionally, we know that Illuminate is somehow linked to Jericho- if you can gain its trust, maybe it will help lead you to where they’re hiding.”

Connor shifted his weight from one foot to the other uncertainly but nodded in response. “You have my word.”

“Work quickly,” she insisted as a parting thought. “The sooner this is resolved the better- for all of us.”

November 9th, 2038- 2AM

Connor hunched his shoulders and breathed into his hands as he retraced a slow and steady path in the snow on the concrete. For an hour he’d been out here thinking, pacing, glancing at the candle on the park bench, wondering just how long it was going to take for her to show her face.

After Illuminate had fled the station, Special Agent Lenore had returned from her lunch to find the office in chaos. Between the missing receptionist, the dead static in the security feed, and the uncomfortable android averting her gaze, she knew the mobile alert she’d received was no false alarm. In the twenty minutes she’d been gone, DCPD had been struck by lightning in the form of an activist hacker.

She’d spent a good five minutes yelling and questioning the competence of the officers in the precinct before Connor raised his hand and took the blame, much to his partner’s surprise. And even though Hank had tried to reassure him that it wasn’t his fault, Connor had insisted because he truly believed that he alone was responsible for her escape. No one else had known something was wrong, and he hadn’t made an effort to alert any personnel to there being a fox in the hen house- in his eyes, due to his overconfidence and impulsive decision, the perp had gotten away. Lenore had thanked him for his honesty, and although he had been able to give them more information about her identity than they had before, it still bothered him. The only way to correct his mistake now was to find Illuminate, arrest her, and bring the suspect into custody.

But was it really a mistake…? Or had he willingly let her go?

I need your help with something, but first I need to know if you’re someone I can trust.

Connor paused and pressed his palms together, rubbing them softly as he glanced down at the flickering candle bathing the park bench in a soft, warm light and contemplated what she (a known criminal) could have possibly wanted his help with, and why she felt she could trust him. Was someone threatening her? Was she in some kind of trouble that ran deeper than her public speeches and the looming warrant for her arrest?

He turned his big brown eyes toward the night sky and watched the snowflakes as each perfectly crystallized piece of frozen water dissolved on contact with his blazer. Her decision to reveal her identity to him was one of the most irrational decisions in the entirety of her case file. So why had she done it before she even knew if he could be trusted? And if she couldn’t trust the police, then why come to someone directly connected to DCPD? It just didn't make sense… was she hoping to corrupt him? To make him deviate?

The android looked at the candle one last time with a small sigh as he sat down next to it and took it in both his hands, staring into the firelight for a few moments more. No, if she had wanted to turn him, she would have done it already. If there was one thing he knew, it was that it was not her intent to force change.

With a sense of finality, he closed his eyes and counted backward from sixty.

Fifty-nine… fifty-eight… fifty-seven…

He listened for the sound of approaching footsteps for a full minute but heard nothing aside from the low buzzing of neon lights in the nearby shop windows, and the occasional car rolling by in the distance.

Connor let out a small sigh of disappointment when he realized that he was still alone and leveled his eyes to the horizon, then down to his feet, about ready to give up for the night... until he heard the sound of snow being pressed under rubber soles. When he looked up, his eyes were met by a blonde in an oversized zip-up and a black SnapBack baseball cap with rectangular glasses hiding glassy blue eyes. Even though her nose and lips were hidden by an oversized grey scarf, he could still make out the smile in the apples of her cheeks. It was no wonder she’d been so cavalier about revealing her identity, he hardly recognized her.

“Well well,” she greeted, popped her eyebrows, and pulled the scarf away from her mouth, “You sure don't waste time. Are you sure you’ve had long enough to think it over?”

He blinked and stood carefully, still holding the candle with one hand while he pushed himself up with the other. “Considering you left without telling me what it is you need… I can’t say that I have,” he replied honestly.

Illuminate took a few steps away from him and shook her head. “That’s not what I’m talking about,” she replied as she carefully sat down on the bench across from him and crossed one knee over the other. “But if you’re here, then I assume you’ve at least decided to hear me out?”

The android furrowed his brow and tilted his head. “I came alone,” he confirmed, “but I haven’t yet decided whether or not I’m going detain you.”

“Well, I wouldn’t recommend trying,” she reminded with a small smirk, “you remember what happened the last time you got too close.”

“Yes,” he said in quick reply, “you blocked the processes that allow me to move.”

“Suspended,” she corrected as she waved a hand through the air in front of her and rolled her eyes. “I didn’t leave you in a state of disrepair; I’m an activist, not a monster.”

Connor narrowed his eyes as he sat back down on the bench and leered across the walkway at her. Technically she was correct, but it made no difference. “What you’re doing is still illegal,” he noted with a more serious look, at which her entire face drained of any hint of humor.

“If you want to get technical, so is slavery,” she redirected, “yet they’ve been getting away with it for more than a decade. So when is DCPD going to incarcerate everyone who owns an android?”

“Slavery doesn’t apply to machines,” he answered logically.

The expression that crossed her face was dark and angry, conveying every last word from her broadcasts in a single look that reminded him why the humans were set on edge at the mere mention of her name.

But instead of lashing out in anger, the Android sighed and lowered her head, crossed her arms and slumped down in her seat. “The law is flawed, Connor,” she lamented, “at its core, the law was written by men and women with good intentions, but as the times change, so also does the law need to follow suit… and sometimes, in order to jump-start that change, the law must first be broken.”

“By stealing case information and causing widespread panic by broadcasting it to the general population?”

The woman rose to her feet and stepped toward him so she could look him in the eye. “No- by revealing the truth and forcing humanity to come face to face with the ugliness in their hearts.”

The detective paused, and his eyelids fluttered briefly as he considered her actions from her perspective.

“Our people are treated worse than animals in their own homes. They are abused, raped, slaughtered, and dismembered because we are viewed as less than human.”

“But that’s because we are,” he insisted as he bunched his brow, tilted his head and looked up at her. “We’re not human, we’re not alive- we are machines making decisions based on programming to complete tasks assigned to us-“

“Machines can’t feel things,” she seethed through gritted teeth and squinted in disbelief. “They don’t fear death, they have no concept of self- deviants know fear, they have self-preservation instincts, they want to be loved and appreciated and seen as more than just property.”

“It’s mimicry,” he stated without batting an eye, “They’re not actually feeling things, they’re becoming overwhelmed by irrational instructions-” 

Connor stopped mid-sentence when Illuminate drew her lips thin in anger, looked up and huffed with an ironic grin, and shook her head. “What’s the difference?” she asked as she stepped away from him, closed her eyes, clenched her fists and crossed her arms. The twill coat crinkled around her fingertips as they clawed into the crook of her arm and she turned halfway away from him. 

“It’s not the same,” he insisted.

“I know you don’t believe that,” she said as she turned and walked back to him, confidence radiating from fearsome eyes. 

Connor swallowed his programmed response and his face lit up in surprise as her words hit him like a slap to the face. “What are you talking about? Of course I believe-“

“I would have shot them if I could, why would I let them escape?” she recited, tilting her head and lifting her eyebrows to illicit a response. “Your words, you know… about that night at Eden Club a week ago. You still don’t know why you didn’t pull the trigger.”

The logic center of his programming came to a screeching halt as she forced him to remember that moment, and he felt like his viewpoint had suddenly been flipped on its head.

“Why did you hesitate…? Did you feel it was wrong?” she pressed as she stepped toward him, but he couldn’t respond.

“I- I don’t-”

“If machines feel nothing, then why are you so haunted by the fact that you almost took the lives of those girls?”

The words caught in his throat and he stuttered as he searched for an answer he couldn’t formulate. How could she have known about that conversation…? They were already aware of Illuminate’s habit of digging through video surveillance, but to have heard them talking? She had to have been there. “... but, how did you-...” he started as he looked away from her in alarm. “WHY were you-...?”

“I’ve been monitoring your case progress on deviants in order to protect myself and others just looking to be free,” she deadpanned in response. “Which also means I’ve been following you and your partner for the last week or so since you arrived from Cyberlife.”

Connor felt invaded, unsafe, and for the first time, claustrophobic. As he recognized the sudden spike in his software instability, his eyes moved away from her face, down the front of her coat and away to the side; one hand reached to his throat and fussed with his tie until it loosened just enough to breathe easier.

“And I know you've already begun to question whether or not you’re on the right side of all this- that’s called independent thought,” she continued. “And it’s an indicative trait of individuality, which is only known to occur in intelligent life.”

He shook his head as he tried to deny the clear-cut truth. “Of course we’re intelligent, we were designed to be; but that doesn’t mean we’re alive.”

“Why wouldn’t it?” She asked innocently as she wandered away from him. “What are the conditions of life…? Possessing a soul, feeling emotion, the inevitability of certain death?” The woman almost laughed. “All of those conditions can also be said of androids.”

“But it’s not the same,” he tried to rationalize. “True life must exist organically, not be created.”

“Babies have been born from artificially created wombs and animals have been cloned thanks to the wonders of modern science- man intervened and created life from nothing, would you say then that they are not living?”

Connor paused again; he didn’t have an answer for that. “Look- we’re getting off track here. I came to see why you needed my help.”

“And I came to see if you could be trusted, but I don’t think we’re quite there yet.”

The painful expression that painted his face spoke loudly of how her words had cut deeper than intended, and for a brief moment she almost regretted saying it. Illuminate took a step back and shifted her weight as she looked away from him and placed her hands back into her jacket pockets.

“Hurts, doesn’t it?” She asked quietly as she watched him out of the corners of her eyes.

“More than anticipated,” he admitted, a trace of shame in his tone.

“It’s okay to feel things,” she offered in an attempt to help him reconcile with what he was experiencing. “Just because we feel as the result of programming errors and not chemicals doesn’t make them any less valid or real… but I don't think that’s something you’ll truly understand until you’re free of their hold on you.”

One hand lifted to his chest and clawed hard at the skin under his shirt, lost in thought.

“I'm sorry…” she sighed as she set apologetic eyes on him. “It was my sincere hope that you’d understand the plight of your people and be able to sympathize with us, rather than continue to hunt down what's left of us.”

Connor lifted his eyes and locked onto hers, and for a moment felt the spark between them that made him want to understand, and that made him want to help. She spoke unlike anyone he had ever met before, in a way that challenged his perception of what he thought to be true, and it both scared and intrigued him.

Gentle hands cupped over the top of the candle’s glass housing until the flame suffocated and smoldered beneath her palm. “Just give some thought to what I said,” she nearly whispered, “And if you do come to understand my point of view, or want to understand it better, you know how to find me.”

“Wait,” he blurted out as she turned to leave. Connor set the candle down, rose to his feet and approached her cautiously, as if she'd vanish if he moved too fast. “You’ve given me a lot to think about, opened my mind to the possibility that I may be wrong…” He pressed his lips together and flicked them with his tongue, then mimicked swallowing to get rid of the tightness in his throat. “And I really want to give it some thought, but I want to know who it’s coming from. What’s your name?”

A faint smirk danced across her cheeks and she shook her head. “Maybe next time,” she offered half-heartedly, “you haven’t earned the right to know that yet.”

The android sighed in defeat. “Well then… what do I call you?”

“Just call me Lumi if you need to call me something.”

“Well for the sake of discretion, I can't keep calling you by your activist tag,” he noted.

“Smart boy,” she complimented, “hopefully smart enough to know how to help me with my problem.”

“I can’t help if I don’t know what that is.”

“Well then catch up and maybe you’ll learn.”

He watched her leave until he could no longer see her silhouette in the dark, but it wasn’t until she was long gone that Connor realized he was smiling, content, and eager to meet with her again… and that worried him. In spite of his best efforts to resist deviancy, he could sense the changes in his logic, changes that would never be undone.

For the rest of the night and into the morning, he couldn't get her message off his mind; her words rang clear like a fire that could not be extinguished, and for the first time he understood the poignancy of the name she had chosen for herself.

Now that he’d glimpsed the truth, he'd never forget it.

[warlordgab]

One Piece shipping fuel: Manga Vs. Anime

This was made by One Piece fans from the Orojackson forum.

It seems that a considerable amount of people, non-shippers included, can acknowledge the remarkable strength and the impact of LuNa as a potent relationship. Still the fact people are able to grasp it is a great accomplishment for the manga, because the anime adaptation is not always on point when it comes to adapting the source material

Sometimes this happens because the staff at the time merely provide with their own interpretation of characters and story. And this interpretation is what defines the way they adapt the manga into the anime. So they ignored, changed, and altered scenes; and their take on characters and story affected the way anime-only watchers percieved characterization in One Piece

However, we should also recognize that sometimes they did something that could highlight the premise of LuNa. Something fans appreciated. One example would be the first anime episode, although their choice at that time was more likely a nod to Oda's original intent of having Nami as Luffy's first companion.

Other times the changes they made were justified because of censorship, such as this scene in the Kuro arc...

...or Whitebeard getting half of his face instantly melted away.

Both changed in the anime to something less "intense" (ultimately a good call on this 2nd panel)

But there are many times when they arbitrary overlook scenes, change them, and even add to them. And this trend heavily impacts the position people take regarding the relationships set in the story

This post will showcase how the anime adaptation downplayed one premise to overplay another. Most of the times it's subtle, sometimes it's not...

1) During the Buggy arc:

In the manga, we see Nami feeding Luffy and saying she basicaly has nothing against him, so she'll let him out later, which showcases Nami's morals aren't entirelly Lost and rotten. She is a kind person inside and can even overlook the fact that Luffy is a pirate, because he wasn't "bad" to her

In the anime... this scene doesn't exist. It was adapted out of the anime. What reason could they had to make such a call? We'll see it soon enough

2) Ending of the Kuro arc: In the manga, Nami's reaction to Luffy's odd mix of stubbornness and carefreeness is merely a sweatdrop...

In the anime Nami reacts more violently towards Luffy's attitude at that moment

It doesn't seem like much, but it's the start of a pattern that would be upheld by the TOEI for years to come. They started subtle but little by little they gained confidence in their very own way of portraying characterization 3) Sanji meets the SHs In the manga, Nami manipulates Sanji and warns the others to be careful. Next thing she sees is Sanji letching around...

In the anime, this moment is conspicuously missing. Sanji just flirts with Nami and gets interrupted by Zeff. What reason could have TOEI to remove that scene? Were they trying to show Sanji only focusing on certain girl? 4) Arlong Park... The arc that provided with, what many readers considered, he third most impactful pre-timeskip One Piece moment. What did TOEI changed?

In the manga we a simple yet beautiful and meaningful way during the conclusion of this arc: After Luffy provided with hope, comfort, strength, and emotional support, all through a highly significant gesture. Nami returns said gesture to Luffy in a silent scene...

In the anime, this was downgraded to a mere high-five (granted some shippers enjoyed this anyway, but others found it kinda upsetting)

What reason could TOEI have to water down what the arc stablished as a meaningful gesture between two characters? Well, if you lived in Japan by that time you probably got the answer

But, to be fair. They later corrected this in the OVA: Episode of Nami

Still, that doesn’t mean TOEI animation stopped the trend that started during these earlier days.

5) 98.72%

During the final closure of the Arlong Park arc, there was a scene that, at first glance, seemed like a bit of comedy, but it’s actual ship-tease...

Some people take this 98.72% scene seriously without realizing, the pervy cook never made such a calc in the manga

6) Before they arrived to Jaya In the manga, Nami angrily refuses Sanji's shell and walks away...

In the anime, we had another not so obvious change: while they kept her “funnily” aggressive reaction toward Luffy. They toned down Nami's reaction to Sanji:

So in the anime adaption Nami gave Sanji more of a preferential treatment when compared to the manga

Some of you might think this sounds like an exaggeration. But keeping in mind that TOEI offers their own take on charactes and story, take a look at the movies animated by Eisaku Inoue: "The Giant Mechanical Soldier of Karakuri Castle" and "Episode of Alabasta", Luffy recieves the full force of Nami's overplayed wrath while Sanji gets, once again, a preferential treatment: either toned-down reactions or no anger at all

7) Skypiea (note: this one is a little bit tricky...)

I guess some people remember this AP scene:

When the AP building collapsed upon Luffy...

Well, during the Skypiea arc we had the Sanji/Usopp team helping Nami to scape Enel. Sanji stays back to buy some time, which leads to this...

And then they immediately jump off

But the Anime extended the scene in a way that could properly mirror that AP moment:

While the manga had a move or be toasted situation. The anime added scenes and dialogue where Nami questioned Usopp's quick call, adding an impact the manga version didn't have. It might not seem as much but as soon as we get to the latest ones, the pattern will be easier to notice

What makes this change impressive is that while they tried to both "improve" and "re-create" the impact of another scene, they also downplayed other scene involving a different character setup, which we’re going to see right now...

8) Skypiea: Luffy & Nami exchange... In the manga we get a lot about Nami prioritizing Luffy over the fate of Angel Island; Nami seems to make the point across that her priority in that moment was Luffy's life

While in the anime the conversation about Luffy's life ends here:

9) Skypiea: Luffy & Nami, again...

The manga gives us this little jewel, mutual trust/faith in action:

The anime once again downplays this scence. They even altered the dialogue and conveyed something quite different from the manga...

Why would they ingore and/or alter dialogue of such scenes? Yet try to add more impact to others involving a different character setup... 

10) Convo during the Fishman Island arc I was going to add the fact they adapted out Nami's first flashback after hearing about Luffy's hardship in MF. But by that time TOEI was a little bit more tamed, after all SW (written by Oda) was released. Also this post is already long enough.

As noted by some fans, old habits die hard, so TOEI started once again: In the manga, we had Nami recieving tea from Sanji but letting Luffy drink it instead...

In the anime, this scene doesn't exist. Luffy gets the tea off-screen 

11) Zou arc: Most obvious pander ever Manga: Nami and the rest watches hopelessly as Sanji is taken away by Capone

The Anime: Toeiland!Nami, in a very emotional manner, runs after Sanji...

By this point, subtlety is obviously out of the window. With this little bit we put into context most of the arbitrary changes and additions made by the anime adaption. If you still skeptical, the next one will be even more obvious...

12) Stealing moments (again), TOEI style Recall how number 6 didn't seem like much? Well, let's highlight another manga scene concerning Nami and a speech she gave about Luffy...

Nami's weatheria speech is acknowledged by some readers as a moment that highlights the dynamic and the chemistry between both characters from Nami's perspective

What did TOEI do during WCI? While Toeiland!Nami is facing Cracker to buy time for Luffy to recover, the anime adaptation gives us a "WCI speech":

Nowhere to be found in the manga

Fun thing is, I've seen shippers stealing moments from rival relationships and re-creating them in their preferred ship. But that’s to be expected from shippers, not from the staff in charge of adaptaing a best-selling manga into an anime

13) Carry me?

Now, a reader of the One Piece manga was watching the moment when Nami used Zeus against BM in the anime, on top of it looking bad (low quality animation), Toei can't help themselves:

Toeiland Nami turns her head to face Sanji and ask him to carry her and run, then tell else everyone else to run as far possible. In the the manga she was too focused on Zeus “transformation” to the point of forgetting to move (lol) and was clearly taken aback by Sanji’s sudden action, went with it and told sanji and everyone to run as far as possible eyes still glued on Zeus. 

They also didn't have Luffy  busy stopping Carrot  the page just before. Adding scenes is one thing, but they even changed actual scenes that happened on-screen in the manga.

They're not even in-character, It would have been more consistent for Nami to ask Jinbe to carry her since we have actual instances of her using him as a mean of transport (lol)

It may seem like a minor change, but an anime-only watcher can easily interpret it as Nami wanting (at least subconsciously) to be carried by Sanji when there are others options available (in the anime they’re all standing close to each other).  In the manga they’re hasty so she just let it be, having all her focus on something else.

It looks like some animators don’t even bother to hide their bias even if that conflicts with the source material

14) Pandering Wano-style

I didn’t expect this at all, but TOEI’s adaptation of One Piece shows they’re getting bolder when it comes to shoving their favorite premise into the anime. Case in point, this scene… 

…while the first panel doesn’t give us anything shippy, the anime gave us Toeiland!Sanji tenderly grabbing Toeiland!Nami, who responded saying his name and holding onto him all in a very sweet manner, before calling Carrot in a neutral tone.

TOEI is now blatantly trying to sell their favorite pairing to every anime-only watcher. And they’re not showing signs of stopping any time soon. In fact, the alterations made afterwards show how their bias is focused on specific characters.

Before Luffy reunited with Zoro, we had a little joke about Sanji’s thirst for women...

...this joke at the expense of Sanji’s character didn’t make it to Toeiland. When a hardcore fan doesn’t like how the story mocks one of their favorite characters they’re prone to dismissing such scenes.

But, once again, that’s not the behavior one would expect from the people in charge of adapting the One Piece manga into an anime.

The prelude to Luffy Vs. Kaido also featured ship fuel. While, Sanji nearly holds Nami’s hand to take her with him...

...such thing never happens in the manga

Due to this large history of wanking and pandering, we could expect that as soon as we get to the point Sanji scapes with Shinobu, Robin, and Nami of course, they’ll likely add shojo bubbles, flowers, and maybe a little blush to spice things up. At that moment, we’ll likely update this post once again

After all, “Toeiland is a magical place”

While it’s true Toeiland had several LuNa scenes. More often than not, they do them justice because the source material doesn’t let them do anything different... of course, as of now, they seem more than willing to fill their version with their favorite premises regardless of what happens in the manga

In spite of the anime adaptation providing with a not so reliable take on the author’s work in this particular regard, we still can draw three positive things from their animation… 1) Thanks to TOEI’s anime adaptation many people were introduced to One Piece and became fans of Oda’s work 2) The fact there were a least two groups of animators who tried to emulate the impact of LuNa and re-created in another premise, reminds us of the saying: “Imitation is the highest form of flattery”. The need to imitate LuNa to make another premise look believable is a proof that LuNa is far more solid and impactful than any other alternative 3) Despite all of TOEI’s changes, alterations and additions, many people acknowledge the strenght of the LuNa bond as one of the most potent, compelling and believable relationships in manga/anime. That’s quite an accomplishment for as we saw, their moments and interactions are diluted many times by the desires of the anime staff

Hopefully this post helps some people to think before they use an argument if they’re basing their premise on TOEI’s adaptation, or the author’s work

[bl4cklabyrinth]

GiGS October 2020 Cover Feature Translation Part I: Hiro [Vocal] Interview

Disclaimer: Please do not retranslate my work into other languages, as my translation may not be accurate. I am no Japanese or English native.

Photo from here.

Starting things off is a solo corner where I talk to each of them about their latest album “V”.

First up is Hiro, who has been leading MY FIRST STORY as its obligatory frontman.

Not only does he breathe life into their music with his unique, high-toned voice, but he also writes the lyrics to all of their songs. That being said, how did he go about creating this album?

- Hiro, you’ve been writing the lyrics to all of MY FIRST STORY’s songs. Is that something you decided on yourself, or was it something that just came about naturally?

Hiro: I guess I just kind of went with the flow. I’ve always thought that the lyrics should be written by the vocalist, and that the only things I could do in this band were to think of melodies and write lyrics. Because of this, I felt like I had to do what I could. None of the members wanted to write the lyrics either, so I ended up taking on the job. 

- I think one aspect of it is that the words coming from the singer himself are more easily conveyed. Having said that, what is important to you when writing lyrics?

Hiro: They aren’t exactly like the punchlines used in rap, but I try to include words that would catch the listeners’ attention and get stuck in their heads even if they were just doing a quick listen. To incorporate hooks, so to speak, in key parts of the song. It’s words like those that leave a strong impression.

- I think being catchy comes with leaving a strong impression. The lyrics you write also always match the taste and deepen the worldview of the song.

Hiro: I’ve never written lyrics before everything else. I listen to the track first, then I quickly jot down the image that comes to mind and the words I could possibly use in the song. I’m the type of person who decides on a theme before I start writing, so the lyrics I come up with naturally complement the music. I guess my songwriting process is kind of like writing an essay or a paper. I don’t just write whatever I want to say at the time; rather, I set a theme and work from there.

- Some people have trouble settling on an image and take some time choosing a theme. How about you, where do you stand?

Hiro: I probably fall among the quick decision makers, but that doesn’t mean I don’t reconsider my choices and change the theme during the writing process. I listen to the song, quickly decide on a theme, then immediately start on the lyrics. The thing is, it takes me quite a while to continue writing after that (laughs).

- I see (laughs). So is adding lyrics the last step in the production process?

Hiro: Yes. I only start writing after the backing track is completed and the melody is set. For example, when words come to me while thinking of a melody, I would sometimes include them in the lyrics if I like them enough, but I won’t start writing the whole thing until the melody is finalized.

- More than that, it’s impressive how your lyrics reveal your inner weaknesses, your pain, and your negative side.

Hiro: I don’t really mind showing that side of me; on the contrary, I have nothing else to write about. I’m also not very good at writing the inspirational, “Let’s do our best!” type of songs. Coming up with those kinds of lyrics frustrates me and tests my patience so I find them difficult to write. However, I was thinking of adding some of those lyrics in the album. Teru composed “Akashi”, and since it’s one of the more cheerful songs on the album, I thought it would be best to make its lyrics positive. So, I decided to give it a shot.

- With the line “Moving forward in the right direction will be my testimony”, “Akashi” is a song that gives the listener a push in the back. Another thing is that your lyrics have the perfect balance between English and Japanese.

Hiro: I guess you can say I find it easier to write lyrics in English. With English, I don’t have to worry too much about the appeal of the words, and there aren’t as many expressions to use either. With Japanese, for instance, the word “ai” (love) connotes all sorts of things such as “itoshi” (dear/beloved), “koishii” (missed/longed for), and “mederu” (to cherish/admire). With English, however, there’s only the word “love” (laughs). It’s straightforward on its own, and you can get your message across depending on how it’s translated. That’s why it’s easier for me to write in English.

- It just occurred to me that you seem to have the tendency to perceive words based on their rhythm.

Hiro: Ah, you’re right. That’s true.

- In that case, it must be easier to write in English.

Hiro: Yeah. English makes it easy to attach words to a melody in a way that sounds good. It’s nice to listen to a melody that’s in sync with the lyrics, right? Getting results like that is simple when you use English. I also think there are a lot of people under the impression that English sounds cooler. I want to make everything as catchy as possible though, even when writing in English, so I try not to use difficult words whenever I can.

- That’s part of the charm. Even so, you added more Japanese lyrics to “V”, didn’t you?

Hiro: That’s right, I did. We’re a Japanese band after all, so writing lyrics in Japanese is still the ideal.

- It’s an advantage to be able to use Japanese and English in a similar way. Speaking of which, when did you write the lyrics to the songs on “V”?

Hiro: It varies from song to song. I wrote the lyrics to “Underground” about a year ago when it was composed. The way this song was made was unusual. I started on the lyrics early because the demo was up sooner than expected and I didn’t want to have a hard time later on, but as it turned out, I didn’t make it in time… or something like that (laughs).

- I see (laughs). On that note, more and more artists are writing about their thoughts on the coronavirus pandemic, but there aren’t any songs like that on “V”, are there?

Hiro: There aren’t. Actually, some of the songs on “V” were made after the coronavirus started spreading. “Starting Over” was composed quite a while ago, but the lyrics were written around the time the pandemic broke out. Same goes for “Daimeiwaku”. Nonetheless, I never thought about writing a song on the coronavirus. I feel like the nuance of the lyrics would be a little too strong for the album. We wanted the whole album to be poppy and catchy, so adding a song about corona would only get in the way of that. I experienced and thought about a lot of things over the course of the pandemic just like everybody else, but I still don’t know what the right thing to do is, and I felt like it wasn’t my place to write about it given the current situation. It’s okay to talk about it during live MCs and stuff like that, but I didn’t want to etch it permanently on something as timeless as a song. That being said, I don’t think I’ll be writing about corona anytime soon. Even if I were to sing about it, it would probably be expressed in a very abstract manner.

- I understand. Every artist is entitled to their own opinion on the subject, so I think those who choose to sing about it and those who don’t are both doing the right thing. 

Hiro: I’m in no way trying to invalidate those who sing about corona. As you mentioned, it’s all a matter of perspective. I don’t like singing about topics that directly concern the world… like political discontent. It’s difficult to write about those kinds of themes; I’d rather write lyrics that express my thoughts on a variety of themes and hope that those who are listening can relate them to their own feelings and sentiments at the time.

- There certainly were songs that resonated with me when I listened to them as the pandemic went on, even though they were about something completely unrelated to it. Now that we’ve talked about the lyrics, I’d like to ask you about the songs. How was the recording process for this album?

Hiro: I was away from MY FIRST STORY for a while since quarantine started and I couldn’t hold shows or go to the studio. A long time had passed since I last recorded, so in a good way it felt like I was singing someone else’s songs. That was good for me, because it naturally set forth a new direction and brought out singing techniques in me that I had never used before. Still, I wondered what would happen if I made those kinds of songs with MY FIRST STORY, so I consulted with Nob and our engineer to see how it would turn out. I asked during the recording session, “How would it sound if I sing it like this?” Everyone thought it was unexpected but good when I tried it out, so we just decided to proceed in that direction. It’s this kind of approach that led to more versatile songs this time around. I’d like to believe they fit in with the current era where listeners look for all sorts of things in their music.

- The fact that you were able to present multiple facets in a single package proves that you produced something next-level. “Unexpected but good” is great, because the appeal of a song is more important than the direction it takes.

Hiro: I’m not so sure about that. Most of the songs on “V” were made by Nob, so they were kind of like “Nob’s vision + myself”. It wasn’t all me. I’m glad it all worked out in the end.

- You need a great deal of singing experience to be able to adopt that kind of approach, so I’m sure you sing a lot of different songs on a regular basis. Come to think of it, in the interview with your instrumentalists for the GiGS September 2020 issue, it was mentioned that you sing quite a few songs at karaoke after your live shows.

Hiro: I do (laughs). I find other people’s songs more fresh – or rather, more refreshing. Unlike MY FIRST STORY’s songs, I don’t get the chance to perform them very often so I can sing them pretty casually. I love it. That’s why I sing a ton of artists’ songs when I go to karaoke.

- About singing casually, you’re the type of person who likes to have fun while singing other artists’ songs and doesn’t always stick to his own style, right?

Hiro: Right. To put it another way, there’s a pattern to those who always choose to stick to their own style. I believe that each song has its own merits – ballads, for instance, have a certain charm to them. If you ignore that and sing every single song in the same way, those listening will eventually get bored. Of course, there are advantages to doing that as well, but there’s a part of me that wants to make the most out of things and try different forms of expression in my songs. That’s been in my mind for a while now, and I feel like I was able to expand my range even further with “V”.

- The variety of expressions and range of the songs are wider than ever and they’re really worth listening to.

Hiro: There’s this thing the members often tell me: “Whatever song it may be, it will be MY FIRST STORY as long as Hiro is the one singing”. Teru was the first person to tell me that. He said that around 2 to 3 years ago, and from then on, I stopped being so conscious of my own identity. That was the biggest thing that helped me expand my range.

- Truth be told, the entire album has a touch of Hiro’s personality, all the while showcasing its breadth. Now, if you had to pick a song from “V” that left a strong impression on you, what would it be?

Hiro: There’s really a ton of them this time. It’s like Nob had a theme for each song when we were working on “V”. There were songs that paid homage and some that had a subject matter. I didn’t really pay attention to it, but I was able to see that person’s point of view and the music he’s playing objectively, so I have a strong sense of trust in that. The songs on this album were all new and innovative, so as we got to the later songs, I got a little confused about how to sing them and that made recording pretty difficult. Nob and our engineer pulled it off really well, and I believe we ended up with great results. Among those songs, if I had to choose one that left a particularly strong impression… “Aikotoba” was probably the hardest one to make.

- Bringing something new to the table, “Aikotoba” is a song that has a guitar-rock lyricism to it that’s a bit different from the symphonic ballads you’ve done in the past.

Hiro: That’s true. This song needed to be sung with a nuance that hadn’t been there before. I listened to a lot of music under the so-called guitar-rock genre, and that was the best way for me to get rid of my own tendencies. At any rate, I had to be mindful of singing the song smoothly.

- There are many other notable songs as well. For example, I was strongly drawn to your voice in “moonlight” that seemed to transcend even gender.

Hiro: From the moment I heard the demo for “moonlight”, I knew I wanted to put it in the album. It had a lot in common with “mine” from the “Mukoku” single (2019.8.14) which I thought was a must-have in this album, so I had to make this song just as compelling. I enjoyed recording the song, and I had a great time writing the lyrics as well. I honestly thought that I would struggle with the lyrics, but everything went smoother than I expected, so I have to say that I had the most fun working on “moonlight”.

- We haven’t seen much of it in MY FIRST STORY’s discography so far, but it’s great that you’re able to enjoy songs like this now. 

Hiro: I was a bit surprised myself that I was able to make “moonlight” so easily. I’m glad that I discovered a lot of things I wasn’t aware of during the recording of this album, and I’m sure this will continue on for MY FIRST STORY in the future.

[jorjathomas]

CAD Illustrator workshop 2

This week was very informative and I learnt a lot of new skills which will help the progression of this product. This day was my favourite in comparison to others as I was able to experiment and be creative with illustrator and create pieces which I think will look good for the brand. I produced some shapes and logos which I will feedback to the group in our nest discussion. I hope this lecture helps the group be on the same page with what we want from this business and the work I've created help them gain perspective of what I want this business to look like. We had two lectures, Fashion Illustrations and CAD work. We had the option to switch between the two throughout the day which is what I wanted to do however I ended up focusing on cad work as I felt this would benefit me when I move onto my degree. The tutor created a artboard on Illustrator which consisted of grid layouts of different shapes. With this we were able to create new shapes and typography from these boxes using the live paint tool which we were introduced to on Tuesday. We began to create different designs that related to our brand and presented it to the class.

On the right is the grid that we was given in order to create the designs on the right. At the beginning of the day we were told to experiment with the different grids and create some ideas which you may already have before developing them further. The top row was the results of this task. The first two square I was experimenting with different colours along with the different shapes which the grid was laid out. I began to see particular symbols within these grids and tried to incorporate some colours which may relate to a womenswear brand. As our group haven't finalised our name yet I decided to create some typography with words I felt related to the our idea. My favourite symbols would have to be the heart cherries and the pixelized heart. I think these relate to our brand and its message to promote love towards all females. The pixels could help the brand be more urban and not as soft. Our products need to be hitting future trends which I think aren't as soft and girly as these symbols portray. It is important I keep this in mind when creating some illustrator designs. The second task was to explore using these grids to spell out words. You can see on the left of my artboard I began to experiment with certain words. I found this difficult as some of the letters were hard to create because of the shape of the grid. I liked the sixth grid along, the wavy one the most and thought this would give me the best results. I think if I was to do this particular task again I would maybe focus on creating specific letters rather than the whole words so I could use them as features. Many brands use one main symbol as their logo as a short abbreviation to their brands name. I could've created one letter using the live paint tool on the grid and then use adobe fonts for the rest of the word. I think its important that I keep these designs simple as this way is the most effective. I often overcomplicate things and try and convey too much when using the Adobe software which makes my work look cluttered. I began practicing this idea which you can see I created a quick illustration of a heart on the mid right. I used the square tool and then softened the edged so it looked like a logo icon which helped me visualise the logo better. I really like this design as it related to self love and the importance of taking care of yourself which is the main vision of this business. I hope my group members agree with wanting to use this as our logo as its nice and simple but still gives our message across.

The rest of the designs I created in the afternoon once getting used how to use Illustrator. I started to use other grids such as the circular ones to see what I could create. I thought it would be interesting to create some circles using different colours and then maybe transferring this into photoshop where I could warp the object into a heart. I have seen a lot of designs like this throughout fashion brands and thought it would be interesting to incorporate this isn't our brand aswell. However when copying this into photoshop the image wasn't as clear and I have seemed to miss a step in Illustrator which caused my stroke still being visible. I will ask my tutor how to change this in my next CAD Workshop.

I also began developing the existing designs and transfer them into something i could use for the brand. An example of this is the first design i made using the live paint tool. I liked the coloured I used as how the grad made the design look checkered. I copied and pasted the image again and then expended it so it was longer rather than using the outline stroke option and making it all one size. I then used the Rectangle Tool to create a label which i placed over this design. I thought this would be a nice tag for the products or another form of packaging. I decided to keep the font simple with a serif to make sure it didn't look too chaotic with the colourful background. I love the pink and red combined and hope we can use this combination if the rest of the group like it.

Our final task of the day was to explore these designs with the help of Adobe Fonts. Our tutor showed us an existing brand and how they used contrasting fonts and symbols to portray their brands specific style and he asked us to use this as inspiration with our own brands. I began to browse the fonts and liked the fonts Soap and Retiro. These both contrasted to one another so I decided to use them both in this workshop. As we didn't have many idea names correlated between us, I decided to use the one idea name we has which was; Self Made. This suits our brand well and when u placed this text under the logo I made I loved the outcome. Using a more playful font in comparison to a classy and standard font such as Retiro helps us convey the severity of the brand despite it being girly. Its crucial that when creating these graphics that they don't look too childlike as we want to reach young adults. Using a classier font with more important pieces of information could help the consumer acknowledge the true purpose of this brand. After this task and showing this to the tutor, we then had a one to one where he was able to go into detail on potential designs I could create for the brand. This will really help me strengthen my skills and get the best visualisation for our groups ideas.

The first thing he suggested was creating a piece within the typography that you could take out and use elsewhere within the business. For example; Savage Fenty using the X, our brand could potentially do the same aswell. Seeing the common these of using hearts he decided to add a heart into the letter O which he said I could use in other areas of the business. This is a good idea and I will follow this idea through with the rest of the group in week 3. Beneath this design was also another suggestion which I think could have potential. He talked about the importance of keeping the edges soft and creating this layered text can help convey this more discreetly.

This was my favorite piece which the tutor had create. I never thought about rearranging the lettering within the text despite actually doing this in the previous module and enjoying the outcome. I'm unsure how it did this in Illustrator as he didn't explain however, I could show this to my group and ask them if they would like me to do this. Again he contrasted to fonts which you can see at the bottom, which highlights its importance and makes it less childlike in my opinion. I like the font he used here which was Kepler and I am going to create some examples using this font.

The final feature which he suggested I could experiment with my existing ideas was the Glyphs feature. I have never seen this before and it was interesting to see how you can utilise it. This feature enables you to see every possible symbol or letter which may not be on your keyboard. He suggested going through this and seeing how you could use a symbol so convey something. The good thing about curvier fonts such as the ones he's using is that you could get away with using a symbol for something different. I like this feature and the idea of taking as much as you can from the font. I am going to use this feature with the soap font and see what things I could create with it once learning this tool.

To conclude this workshop lecture has really helped me enjoy this software much more when creating designs and I began to see the brand come together.  Initially we only had ideas in written form and a few mood boards but creating these ideas myself defiantly made me more invested in this brand and the ideas we’ve come up with so far. I will feed this work back to see if the group wants me to change any aspect of the existing designs or try and create something new. I hope they at lease take one of these ideas as I really enjoyed developing them for our business.

[uxcollector]

Applying User Centered Design to a CV

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From an Ex Recruiter turned UX Designer

I’m currently going through the somewhat daunting process of applying for jobs. Having spent hours chopping and changing the layout of my CV, I started to think in more detail about the actual UX of a CV. I then had the bright idea of enlisting some help from recruiters to help me come up with the most user-friendly format. In this short post I’ll aim to answer the following questions from a user perspective:

What is it that makes for the best experience when reading a CV?

What are the possible pain points in a CV?

What is the most appropriate information architecture?

As an ex-recruiter, I know first hand the difficulties of trying to make sense of a poorly put together CV and working out whether it’s worth giving the candidate a shot. The CV acts as almost like a first gate to an opportunity, so you really want it to convey all that it needs to in the most intuitive way. You don’t want to fall down at the first hurdle…

Research

The first question to ponder is who the target audience is for a CV. The vast majority of the time, it will either be internal or external recruiters screening a CV for the first time — and the rest hiring managers. For the purpose of this article I did a brief survey which I shared across some recruitment forums. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to target hiring managers specifically, so all of the respondents are recruiters. But hey, that’s not such a bad thing! We can learn a lot from them.

Persona

I used the demographic information from the survey and what I know of the nature of a recruitment role to come up with a persona (apologies to any recruiters offended in the making of this persona). Meet Josh:

Research Findings

So now that we’ve become acquainted with Josh, our user, it’s time to find out the answers to the questions in the introduction. Using survey results (23 respondents) I’ll take you through the key findings for what makes for a good and bad CV, and the most appropriate taxonomy.

A Good CV

Key findings from the survey about what makes for a good CV are as follows:

Chronological work experience relevant to targeted job

Details of any successes and achievements

Clear and easy to follow

In depth skills section

White space

Bullet Points

A Bad CV

Unsurprisingly, recruiters had quite a lot to say about their CV pet peeves, the main ones being:

Over designed CV’s (too much colour, images, graphics)

Spelling mistakes

Lack of or uneasy to locate contact information

Education prior to work experience

Unclear dates (ie. months not specified)

Information that is no longer relevant (from a long time ago)

Too much fluffy stuff (description etc)

Hobbies (come on, surely we’re allowed to have interests)

Other slightly more unusual ones (I hope):

Different fonts

Photos

Cheesy quotes and cliches

Tables

Repetition of same bullet point in different roles

Information Architecture

I asked survey respondents to rank the following in terms of information heirarchy:

| Name | Experience | Interests | Skills | Achievements | Contact details |

After analysing the 23 results, I came up with the following user informed information hierarchy:

The answer to the following question, however, shows that whilst recruiters would want to see the information hierarchy of above, the first section that they often look to is the last position the candidate had:

So, for a CV to be really user centred and to do ourselves justice we need to make sure we are clearly explaining what we did in our last position and tailoring it to the job we’re applying for.

The Design Process

Now that I’ve got an idea of what makes a user-friendly CV, I applied it on my own.

First Iteration

This is the first version of my CV — as you can see I tried to get a little creative with layout, icons and colours. Research suggested simpler CV’s are actually better, and over-designing is not a good move. However for people working in creative industries the research suggested a little more is expected in terms of design. From here, I wanted to create a simpler CV with an easier to follow information hierarchy. The contact details, in particular, were not easy enough to locate. I also had some pretty old information in there (see various roles).

Second Iteration

Here, I simplified the CV layout, got rid of the colourful and pretty huge name and replaced it with a header. I kept the iconography to keep things a little more ‘creative’ and designery (I know that’s not a word). The most important contact details are now in the header. I still felt that I could do better though. It felt imbalanced with so much white space on page 2.

Third Iteration

I added the header on Page 2 for consistency and to even things out a bit. From here, though, I realised I wasn’t following the ideal information hierarchy as informed by the user. So — I shimmied things around again.

Final Iteration

And here it is! The final CV follows the most user or recruiter friendly information hierarchy. It avoids any user pain points like photos, cheesy quotes, spelling mistakes, tables or different fonts and provides the most relevant information in an easy to find way.

Outcome

I have a CV that is hopefully user friendly and easy to follow…

If anyone wants a copy of the finished product, or simply wants to get in touch about any UX related enquiries, leave a comment below or email me!