#and i was so scared and upset i deleted everything immediately

[gerbiloftriumph]

cinderella moment

halo from lily-fox

(4)

[fandomxo00]

You being Peter and Wanda's mom - Erik Lehnsherr - X-men Days Of Future Past

PLEASE GO READ MY PINNED POST!

*originally posted on my old account that I've deleted*

warnings: unedited, mature context, time passing, angsty, using google translation for Czech-

word count: 2.9k

Erik used to admire you. You remember when you first met him, he practically adored you. He wanted everything to with you, would pull aside, grabbing your attention and making you feel what he was feeling. As an empath, that wasn't hard to read his emotions and with you he always wore his heart on his sleeve. But the difference between you and Erik were the fact that you were different types of mutants. He was an active one, all powerful. And you had inactive traits that wouldn't be conducive in battle. That didn't mean Erik didn't drag you on missions, to not only read feelings of others but to control them so Erik could get what he wants. That's what drew the two of you apart, his evil his plans, they scared you, especially when you discovered you were pregnant. You refused to tell him, especially since you knew the infatuation he had with you was only for a short while. He wouldn't love you and he never could, especially if he found out the truth.  

You wouldn't know how he felt now, it had been 25 years since the first time you had seen him, and you've had two kids since then. Peter had began harnessing his powers, it started out from a young age of having a diagnosis of ADHD, though you knew it was something different, that it was his powers were the reason why he couldn't control his behavior and he to always be moving or talking. You don't know how you didn't break apart in front of him the next time you saw him. You had finally taken a night off for yourself when you saw him again at a bar. You felt the immediate rush of affection and lust that radiated off of Erik, because of course you felt him before you could actually see him. You had been stupid enough to turn towards him a seductive smile on your face as you met his blue eyes.

"Long time no see." You greeted.

"How awful it has been, liebling." He countered, you rolled your eyes at the pet name and moved your eyes towards him as you spoke in Sokovian.

"Nemůžu říct, že bych byl naštvaný tvou nepřítomností." (I can't say I'm upset by your absence) Erik chuckled at your retort, he wasn't fluent in Sokovian but he had gotten used to the language and picked up the language easily.

"Nelži." (Don't lie).

"You've always been so full of yourself." You added, throwing back your drink. Banter was dangerous for you and Erik, it always led to fights and fights usually led to sex, which in that night, had happened. Peter had stayed with your mother as Erik brought you to meet Charles and the rest of the mutants. Charles had never meant an empath, so he wanted to know more, that's when he found out the truth, digging into your mind with your permission. You did your best not to think of your son, but that wasn't how Charles powers worked and he had asked Erik to leave the room as he brought your son in conversation.

"I think you should go. Your son needs you." "Will you take care of him?"

"Erik doesn't need my protection." Charles retorted. You stared over at him, not using your powers but wearing your heart on your sleeve.

"He would make a good father, it's not right for you to keep this from him."

The guilt has sunk into you, clung onto you like a cancer. Erik had crawled into your bed that night and the two of you made love before you left. You wonder if you were the reason why Erik had done what he had done to Charles, but you knew that deep down that was a part of him no matter what you could've done. You've never tried to stop. him.

A couple months later you discovered you were pregnant again and as you saw Erik fall apart in front of everyone, killing the president and being taken away and captive. For once you finally felt like you had nothing to hide but as Peter grew his powers became more evident as he sped around the house when he was too excited. Your daughter, Wanda, had different powers. When she was young, you gave her a ruby necklace after you first came in contact with the younger girl's power. She was strong, maybe even stronger than her father. You eventually learned that her she had been born with the ablitiy to control chaos magic.

Though she had a dark power like her father, she was a sweet and caring girl, where her old brother focused on the go-go, Wanda was able to stop for a moment taken in her surroundings and adapt, she paid attention and she cared so deeply about those around her. But now it had been another 11 years, you were older and Peter and Wanda had grown up. Peter was now 22 years old, and you couldn't believe the reminders of his father in him. He had made the basement his own, and you wondered where he was during the day but one day when you went down to talk to your son you noticed the plentra of snacks, tvs and different things that Peter had 'collected' with his powers.

So you weren't suprised when yet again someone came looking for your reckless son. You opened the door to greet the strangers, one tall man with a beard and sunglasses, another man with glasses who was slightly taller than the bearded man, and a who was shorter than both with long hair-it was, "Charles?" You greeted.

"Y/n Maximoff." Charles chuckled, he looked much more dishelved since the last time you had seen him. He hadn't shaved, he was wearing sunglasses over his eyes and the shirt he was wearing was stained and uncleaned, this wasn't the Charles Xavier you had met over a decade ago. He pushed up his classes with his middle finger and looked over to the taller boy, regonizing him as Hank.

"We uh, need to talk to your son."

"What did he do this time?" You questioned.

"Nothing, we just-."

"We have to break Erik out of the pentagon, and we need his-your son's help." You glared over at Charles before turning to the taller man and the man with sunglasses sighing. You felt something odd radiating off of the man with sunglasses, his face expressed maybe annoyance or that he didn't care but his aura and emotions, he was desperate.

"Come on in." You moved back, letting the three of them in. Wanda came wondering over, her hair was red like her fathers and it made the man with the sunglasses pause in his place as he cleared his throat.

"Wanda, why don't you go to your room."

"Why?" She asked.

"Because we have to have an adult conversation and I don't trust that you won't listen in." You replied, putting your hands on your hips.

"Fine." You grumbled, as she walked into her room, red magic flowed through the air and closed the door gently.

"She's a mutant, aswell?" Charles questioned.

"Yes, she has the natural ability to control chaos magic." You answered before opening the door to Peter's room.

"Pete, we have company." You yelled down the stairs and moments later there was a quick woosh, barely noticeable but you knew your son. You trudged down the stairs and you were met your son playing Ping Pong, as if he hadn't run out to check out their car. "Peter, this is Charles, Hank and..."

"Logan." He replied, taking off his sunglasses, as Peter wooshed around the air, still listening to your words but he still loved to move.

"You know them? Because I didn't do anything." Peter defeneded, as he continued to play ping pong, before moving over to the couch with a popsicle in his hand. "I've been here all day, right ma?"

"Just relax, Peter. We're not cops." Logan replied as Peter glared at him, his arms up around his head to defend nonchalance but you couldn't feel his defenses coming up.

"Of course you're not cops. If you were cops, you wouldn't be driving a rental car." Peter explained.

"How'd you know we've got a rental car?" Xavier asked.

"His ability is speed." You began to explain as Peter groaned. "I'm assuming he went out to go check your registration."

"You can't just tell people that mom." Peter argued as you rolled your eyes.

"I know Charles, he-we go back..."

"Did you know my dad?" Peter questioned. "Are you FBI?" He zoomed across the room, stealing Charles' wallet. "Nope, you're not cops. Hey what's with this gifted youngsters place?"

"That's an...old card." Charles trailed, as he grabbed his things from where Peter threw them down.

"Why, he's fascinating." Hank commented.

"He's a pain in the arse." Grumbled Charles.

"And when I knew him, he wasn't so...young. Neither were you." He nodded towards you.

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh our dear friend Logan here is from the future and we need your son to break someone out of jail so he can help us destroy a massive threat to our future." Charles explained.

"What are you talking about?" Peter laughed.

"So you're not afraid to show your powers?" Hank questioned.

"We usually don't hide our powers around the hou-" You started.

"Powers? What powers? What are you talking about?" Peter interrupted. "Do you see something strange here? Nothing anybody would believe if you told them."

"Peter." You grunted, as he his big brown eyes looked over at you with innocence. "Did you hear a word I said?"

"Yes, why should I help them? A prison break is illegal, you know." "Because that's the first illegal thing you've done." You retorted.

"You, you kleptomanic..." Charles began rubbing at his eyes. "Get to break into the Pentagon."

"And he happens to be your father, Peter, and Wanda's."

"I knew it." Hank breathed.

"So you can trust them, Peter."

"Are you coming with, Ma?" Peter replied as you started to chuckle shaking your head.

"You don't need me, I'm not like them or your sister. I'll just be in the way."

"Don't you wanna see him?" Charles asked, as you looked over at him, a serious look overcoming your face as you looked down before shaking your head.

"I've hidden two children from him, like he'd want to see me." You joked.

"I know he would, when you left." Charles began as you looked over at the dishelved man. "He knew."

"About?"

"Wanda." You stared at Charles before speaking.

"Well since you're breaking him out, if he wants to come see us, he can, he could've before too." You cleared your throat before glancing over at Peter and giving him a nod before walking up the stairs. You tried not to drown in your memories as Peter went out to help his father. You knew that this would do some healing for him, so you encouraged him to go. It was your fault that they didn't know their father, but you wouldn't blame it completely on yourself especially since he knew about Wanda. You and Erik tried to keep the relationship surface level, but in all truth, you had fallen in love with Erik. It had started with friendship, the two of joining arms and when it came to the mission in Cuba, you had left with him, leaving Charles behind. You weren't going to stay for some false sense of being good, as you've watch mutants flee back into the shadows you knew that Charles plans were just a pipe dream.

You remember the day on the beach like it was yesterday, you had been crouching over a broken Charles, tears streaming down his face, his legs now paralyzed. As a friend, you wanted to stay, but as Erik caught your attention, "Come with us, Liebling." His voice soft as he looked over at you, you felt his rush of emotions, the only thing you could've described it as was love as you left your friend for Erik. At this point, he had to know that you were pregnant, a big reason why he kept you out of the line of fire, telling you to stay where it was safe.

Looking back now you had thought it was because of your powers but it could've been protecting you for more than one reason. But it was impending conversation where he told you that he couldn't have you, that he wouldn't ever feel the way you wanted him to, that you were too good for him. You had argued, telling him that it didn't matter who was better, you didn't have expectations for this relationship you just wanted to be with him. But the reality had sat in, when you thought of your son at home. You thought of the comparisons, the stubbornness, the knowledge that the two had, the good that you found in both of them. But thinking of Erik as a father, it was role now that he clearly hadn't wanted.

"Mom, who were those men here?" Wanda broke you out of your thoughts, making you look over at daughter. You could read the curiousness coming off your daughter. "Where's Peter?"

"You remember when I would tell you stories about your pa?" You murmured, as she came over to you as you reached your arm out for her. She sat in your arm and looked up at you.

"I do."

"Well, your brother is going to go save him." You said, smiling over at her. You moved your hand down to move your red hair behind her ear with a fond smile on your face. The two of you continue to talk about her father, telling stories about mischievous adventures that brought smiles to your girl's face.

Eventually she fell asleep in your arms. You laid her down on couch draping a blanket over her before grabbing a book and settling on the armchair, waiting for Peter. You'd usually go to bed if he was out, he was an adult now, but this was a mission that could send Peter to jail. Not that you didn't believe him that's why you supported him so much in this, you knew he had the ability and strategy that would get out just about any mess.

You had fallen asleep reading your book when you heard the lock in the door. You sat up in your chair and blinked back the tiredness from your eyes before getting up from the chair. Peter walked through the door and you immediately ran up to him and squeezed him tightly. "You're okay."

"Of course I'm fine ma, it's me." Peter joked as he wrapped his arms around you and squeezed you tightly.

"Liebling."

You froze in your son's arms, before moving back and connecting your eyes with Erik Lehnsherr's blue ones. "Erik." You breathed, moving around him before looking back at Peter. "Did you-."

"He uh figured it out."

"Charles told me." Erik corrected, his accent thick and making a shiver run down your spine.

"So that's what your doing here?" You questioned as Erik looked over at Peter before stepping forward into the house. His eyes trailing around the room before landing back on to you. "Your here for the kids."

"Yeah, I'm here to meet my daughter."

"Good, but you'll have to come back, she's asleep."

"Ma-."

"No, it's the middle of night, thanks for escorting Peter home." "You don't get to push me out again, Y/n." Erik agrued, his voice raising as you glared over at him. "I have a right to meet her."

"Peter take your sister to her room, please." You murmured over to your son, glancing over at him with stern gaze before looking back over at Erik. "You've known about her for 11 years, Erik."

"I didn't know about Peter, it's been over two decades and we managed to make another child and you couldn't tell me about him." "You wanted nothing to do with me!" You agrued. "You got bored and you left."

"I was never enough for you, Y/n. For an empath, you clearly have no idea how I feel about you."

"I don't like reading your emotions anymore, last time it hurt-." You started, looking down at the ground. "I could feel that you were rejecting me and I don't want to feel that ever again."

"You know that they were better off without me."

"But I wasn't!" You cried. "I was alone in raising two children and I tried to take pride in it. When I heard you killed the president of the United States, I-I couldn't believe what you done, and I knew that I made the right decision." Erik's eyes flashed in hurt, and he stared you, begging you to read him, but you refused. "Don't you have the world to save?"

"Well, if you care about your children's future, you'll leave." You propositioned. Erik stared at you, not sure what to say before stepping closer to you and leaning down to cup your cheeks in his hands. You stared at him in awe, unable to move away as you looked up into his eyes.

"I'll leave now, Liebling, but I'm coming back and I'm giving you life you deserve, do you understand?"

"Erik-."

"No. Do you understand?"

You nodded.

[stop-talking]

Breakdown of the @joshsbimbo controversy.

@mike-schmidtten already made a detailed list of every reason why people are upset with you, "lamb", but I'm going to quickly go over it all anyways because you obviously didn't get the memo.

Extreme trigger warning for this entire post, I'm going to be talking about rape, SA, assault, violence, abuse, incest, stepcest, pedophilia, substance abuse, and probably a lot more.

First of all, you tagged this fic where Mike literally rapes the reader as "cnc". That is not correct.

I mean, if we look at the definition of CNC, it says "this type of scene does not encourage ACTUAL rape. All proper scenes are done after much negotiation between of-age, consenting adults."

But I don't need to explain that to you, do I? You know what CNC is. You said yourself MONTHS ago that you tagged your fic incorrectly and NEVER went back and fixed it.

Mike's next point was that you make it impossible for people to "steer away" from their triggers when you don't tag your posts properly.

And as an example he used this post of straight up incest porn between Mike and his little sister. All completely out in the open, tagged under "#mike schmidt" and "#mike schmidt x reader" for all to see.

He followed it up this this. A plea for you to, at the bare minimum, tag the major triggers in your posts and hide it under a "read more" section.

Let's take a look at how you responded to that very reasonable request.

Oh. You DM'd him the word poop and blocked him.

Instead of reblogging to respond, you actually deleted your origional post so your followers couldn't see the criticism of you as easily. I wonder why? You made your stance clear, though. "I should have put more warnings on my work, but it doesn't matter anyways because it's all fictional." But then, immediately after, you started relogging an account that makes photoshopped foot fetish content of male celebrities for some reason...?

(I censored the feet myself because its just weird) Oh, and weird AI pictures of him, too.

There were worse ones, but I didn't screenshot everything, and you deleted these posts just a few hours after reblogging.

You followed it all up with this now-deleted post about how you wish you could make your notes private. Again, I wonder why? If it really is OKAY to sexualize incest, rape, and abuse just because it's fictional, why would people be scared to support you? Why is no one willing to publicly like your posts, or speak out in your favor? Even some of your biggest supporters (@leah-hutcherson @teenagedreamsss @cuteskunkz @renaissancebewbies) who continue to like (some) of your posts, still haven't come to your defense. If writing about fictional rape, abuse, and incest really and truly wasn't harmful, why would you need to hide?

Once other people started catching wind of what was going on, you responded in some... interesting ways. Like here, in response to this ask (from a person who is a minor BTW). You switched up your story from "I should have tagged my work better" to "everyone hates me now because I forgot to put warnings on ONE story" (which was just blatantly false, as you had been posting other triggering things at the time with no warnings whatsoever.)

It was absolutely ridiculous of you to claim you put warnings on your work when I could scroll down two posts (back before you deleted this) and see a post about Mike beating his kid.

Like... please show me where exactly the warning is?

Then, when this person, (another MINOR, btw!!) posted after reading Mike's breakdown of your behavior, your responded by DMing them a slur.

I don't even know what to say to that. A minor. A slur.

But as much as you like to INSIST your work isn't for minors, you sure seem to interact with them a lot.

This person who reblogged your masterlist? They're a minor.

^^ You can't say you don't want minors to read your work without actually taking all precautions possible to prevent them from seeing it. (Tagging your content, blocking ageless accounts, NOT REBLOGGING MINORS!!!)

Yes. This person is also a minor. Which makes, what, the 4th minor you've interacted with in the past few days? At least from what I can tell.

They also hate you btw so I don't even know why you reblogged them.

FINALLY, this user commented under one of your posts in an attempt to get you to AT LEAST tag your posts correctly if you're going to write triggering shit. (Which was the same think Mike asked you to do, if you remember, but he got "poop" and reblogs of foot fetish posts as a response.)

But then it looked like you either blocked them or removed their comment, so they tried again.

You ignored this message, then apparently posted this?

So they tried again (being much nicer that I would have)

And you finally responded (and still got blocked anyways because your posts are DISTURBING and GROSS)

I doubted you'd actually fix your page, because again, you ignored the same request when Mike asked, and in the past admitted you tagged your fics wrong but just never bothered to change it.

But surprise surprise, you actually went through with it and added trigger warnings to your content.

Though, I'm still not sure "non-serious" is an appropriate tag for a post where mike beats you to death...??

Look. I appreciate that you're at least TRYING now, but it was a fucking FIGHT to get you to do the bare minimum. What I, and apparently 84% of people actually want you to do is delete your account.

(This is from @mike-schmidtten's breakdown post from a couple days ago)

I know you want to PRETEND that just because something is a work of fiction, it doesn't have negative real-world effects, but that's just not the truth.

A lot of people were hurt when you posted things without trigger warnings.

And even now, as you continue to post fetish content for rape, incest, and abuse, people are still being hurt. MINORS are still being hurt.

Yes, obviously, if you post something on the internet, you can't completely 100% control who sees it. But you don't even seem to TRY.

(Dming minors slurs, letting minors reblog your masterlist, letting ageless accounts interact with you, reblogging minors, answering asks from minors, etc)

People, minors, CHILDREN, are raped and abused by those closest to them every day. It's disgusting and horrifying to think about, but it's the world we live in.

You aren't "helping people cope" by writing these stories. You're normalizing abuse. And allowing the most vulnerable people to read it.

You're taking actual things that have happened to real people, and sexualizing it for others to get off to. It's immoral, disturbing, and disgusting.

To my followers, if any of you support this kind of content, you are NOT welcome on my page. Please unfollow or block me and go seek help.

And to you, lamb, I hope you come to your senses and either delete all of your rape & incest fetish content or delete your account entirely.

At the end of the day, you KNOW you're in the wrong. Or at least some small part of you does, or you wouldn't have been afraid to reblog Mike's post and respond defending yourself directly. And you wouldn't be afraid to reblog mine either, which you undoubtedly will.

I know you used to follow me, so maybe you'll take this all to heart. But probably not.

I won't block you. (for the next few days, at least). I'll be here if you want to try and have a civil discussion. But just know I will NEVER agree with the sexualization & glorification of violence and abuse.

[x0401x]

Hi, guys. It’s been a while.

I’m very sorry for being gone for some time without prior warning. It wasn’t an intentional absence. I wasn’t really on hiatus, just had to take some time off because a string of really bad occurrences have been happening to me these past months.

I don’t wanna upset anyone, so from this point on, read at your own discretion.

First thing that happened is… I’ve lost a very dear childhood friend to a car accident. Been mourning for a while now but still haven’t completely moved on.

Second thing is my computer died on me. I’ve managed to find out the problem and fix it. Also did a full back-up of my stuff.

Immediately after that, I found out that my main email address and password had been leaked in a data breach. My email got hacked.

This one was a scare. Probably the most stressful one I’ve ever had, since I use this email for everything, including Tumblr.

I did manage to get my account back, but found out that the hacker had set a rule in my email to automatically forward every mail I receive to a suspicious address. Outlook was stopping these attempts, so thankfully none of the information was delivered to the hacker.

Apparently, that’s a common thing that they do. The more you know, I guess. I found the rule and disabled/deleted it.

This seems to have been the only thing that the hacker did. I guess I was incredibly lucky that they didn’t just lock me out of my account, but I’m not gonna lie, I’m still scared.

I’m seriously considering doing a back-up of my blog, just in case anything bad happens again and I end up losing my email address. I’m aware that the back-up through Tumblr takes literal days to complete, but it’s the only way to do a full back-up.

So I was just wondering… do I have to leave my computer on in order to do this back-up? I don’t think it’s necessary, but I’m asking just in case.

Welp, that’s about it. I’m really sorry for being suddenly gone. I’m still mourning and freaking out at the same time, but gradually getting better. Would appreciate if anyone could answer the question above!

I’m going to come back little by little. Love you all very much!

[aeshiiteiru]

Stars around my scars

— Sigma noticed his s/o falling into depression and comforts them

—Warnings & Notes

sfw | angst

|| Hey, hey! Sorry for the long wait, I've been quite busy, but that doesn't mean I forgot about you all!! I'm working on all the requests ^3^ (also, this was a request, but I accidentally deleted the ask! I hope the anon will still find it T^T)

|| hurt/comfort, gn! reader, self-harm, and depression!! (If you're sensitive, please don't interact!!!), I think there was some cussing, not sure, tho!, not beta read we die like bsd parents

m.list | writing rules

Sigma is a busy man. Being the manager of a big and successful Casino takes up a lot of his time, so having some alone time with you is not always possible. But even then, even while not spending as much time with you, he noticed. He noticed how distant you were. He noticed the blank expression on your face, the forced smile you gave him, and the "I'm fine," you responded with whenever he asked if something was wrong. He didn't understand what was happening at first, thinking maybe someone said something that made you feel upset. His mission was to find out what was wrong. He started observing your behavior closely, trying to figure it out himself. He could've gained that information by a simple touch, that was an option with his ability, but he knew that that would be forced and he promised himself to never use his ability on you without your consent.

That left him with just analyzing your behavior, your answers, and just trying to understand your feelings. During one of his observations, he noticed that you started wearing more covering clothes. He thought it was weird. After all, it was so hot outside. Who would want to wear long-sleeved shirts and hoodies? That's when it clicked. That was the moment he connected all the dots and started panicking. You weren't harming yourself…right? He hoped it was just his mind making him worry for no reason, but there was this feeling of distress, the feeling that he needed to confront you right now, make sure everything was actually alright. So that's what he did. He took the nearest opportunity to leave his office and find you. He didn't care that he was going to miss a meeting, none of that mattered to him. The only thing on his mind was you and the worry for your well-being.

He found you in one of the casino rooms, sitting on the couch, observing as some players made bets. He immediately came up to you, reaching his hand out to you, hoping for you to take it so that the two of you can go into an empty room and talk. You were confused at first, looking at him and wondering why he wasn't at one of his meetings. You didn't question it, though. You just took his hand and stood up from the soft cushions. He took the lead, bringing you inside one of the empty rooms and closing the door behind him, trying to make sure you two had full privacy. "…so, why did you bring me here?" you asked, still confused. He gave you a rather sad look, trying to find the right words to start the topic. "Well, I've come to notice your shift in behavior…and your suspicious choice of clothing. Is there something wrong? Do you want to talk about it..?", he said gently, making sure not to scare you off immediately. You were very caught off guard. You didn't think he would actually notice it, considering you haven't really seen him for longer than 2 hours every three days or so.

You took a seat on one of the chairs, fidgeting with the sleeve of your hoodie. It was clear you were nervous, trying to say something, but nothing came out of your mouth. Sigma waited in silence, giving you as much time as you needed. The silence and your reaction only confirmed his suspicions. Five minutes went by, although to you, it felt like hours. You couldn't look him in the eyes, afraid he would be judging you. With a shaky breath, you finally spoke up, trying to stop this suffocating silence. "I…I'm not doing good…I've been missing my will to live, feeling numb all over my body, yet my heart always ached even though it felt empty. I've been very lonely, no one to talk to…", you explained briefly. Sigma was hurt, to say the least. Lonely? Why did you feel lonely if he was here? That's when he understood. He wasn't actually here. He didn't give you the attention you needed. He neglected you because of his work.

He felt awful, the guild building up in him. He started apologizing for not being there for you when you needed him, but you stopped him immediately. "You don't need to apologize, I understand. Besides…it's not just you. A lot has happened lately. I got kicked out of university because I was missing too many classes because of work, and I lost my job because I was always late since I had classes beforehand. I have to move out of my apartment soon because I can't pay the rent anymore and my [instert pet] died…currently, my life looks like some cheesy ass movie plot line, and that's utterly ridiculous!" you explained, noticing how stupid that sounds. Sigma tried to process all this information, trying to understand why you didn't tell him, why didn't you share your problems with him? Before he could even ask you, you already spoke up again. "Before you ask, I didn't want to trouble you. I know you're busy, and I just didn't want to burden you with my issues. "you exclaimed. Sigma was shocked, just in disbelief. Is that the impression he gave you? That you can't come to talk to him because he's busy? It was ridiculous to him, and he needed to get it inside your head that no matter how busy he was, he would always find time for you and help you with your problems.

"This is stupid. Dear, please, you can ALWAYS talk to me when things get hard for you, you don't have to pretend like everything is okay. I really didn't want to neglect you like this, and I'm incredibly sorry for making you think you can't talk to me. We can work everything out together, I'm here for you. I might not be able to help with the university, but how about you work here at the casino? I wouldn't mind having an amazing assistant. Your apartment? Move out and come live with me here in the casino. You know what my "house" part of the casino looks like, I'm sure you'll feel at home in no time. And about your [insert pet]…my condolences, I know how much they meant to you. I'll make sure to give them a proper funeral." spoke Sigma.

He gave you the hope you lost some time ago, and you couldn't help but shed tears at his words, at the fact that he cared. Sigma kneeled in front of you, taking your hands in his and looking at the sleeves. He sent you a look, asking whether it's okay for him to take a look. You just nodded slightly, allowing him to roll up your sleeves to reveal the many, many small and big cuts along both your arms. This view absolutely broke Sigma. You were scared he felt disgusted by them. You tried to pull away, but his grip on your hands remained. He finally spoke up, pure sorrow in his voice. "But…why the self-harm? What is the reason behind it?"Sigma tried really hard to understand. He wanted to know so that he could think of something to prevent it from repeating in the future. You only looked away, feeling pure embarrassment.

“It…it helped me with the numbness..it made me feel something. It was the only way for me to recognize myself as a living being." The following words just left your mouth before you could even process your thoughts. "You must feel disgusted by them, I'm sorry, I'll make sure to cover them up better…I'm just embarrassed by them."Sigma immediately stopped you by squeezing your hands again, this time reassuringly. "Disgusted? Never. And don't you dare feel embarrassed by it. It's understandable, but don't do it in the future, or ever. Understood?" he inquired, and you only nodded, tears streaming down your face. Sigma just looked at you, and his gaze was soon on your arms again.

He let out a quiet sigh and brought his face closer to your arms. He started kissing every single one of your scars with utmost care. This action left you shocked. You suddenly just felt overwhelmed with emotions. The small tears quickly turned into full-on sobs as he continued to leave little kisses on your arms, no scar left out. Once he was finished, he looked back at your face, giving you a small smile. "This doesn't make me change my thoughts about you, dear. You're still the same person I fell for, and I'll help you get through this hard time. So please, be honest with me in the future. I love and care about you." he whispered and stood back up. The two of you talked about your problems and found further multiple solutions to them. You felt so good about yourself now, seeing that there is actually someone who cares unconditionally.

Copyright © 2023 Aeshiiteiru.

[agirlwithdemonblood]

Breaking Free: Chapter 3- Finding Light

Pairings: AU! Mechanic Dean x Reader

Chapter Summary: Dean and Y/N have their first date, and Dean shows who he really is.

Series Masterlist here!! & Main masterlist here!

I woke up and glanced at the clock, a frown creasing my face when I saw it was almost noon.

There was a time when I'd rise early, whip up breakfast for Andrew and I, followed by a job and enjoying coffee at the diner. I used to think that our relationship was so normal. You know, like those housewives on TV who seemed so content. But that was just among the surface.

I didn't realize how unnatural our relationship was-the yelling, the screaming, the constant bullying. Now that I'm finally out of it, I see those things for what they were: toxic.

It wasn't normal for my fiance to explode if dinner wasn't ready, to check my texts and calls every night, or to be upset and physically punish me when I had an idea of my own. It took me months to realize that these weren't normal relationship dynamics; they were signs of something deeply unhealthy.

What scares me the most is that Andrew was my only experience with relationships, and now with Dean showing interest, I wasn't sure how I should behave around him. Is it okay to feel this strongly about him so soon? Will he think less of me because I don't know what a real, healthy relationship is?

As if fate was responding, my phone rang on the nightstand, displaying an unknown number. I hesitated briefly before answering and holding it to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Hey sweetheart, it's Dean."

Instantly, my worries melted away. There was something about him, something magical almost, because just hearing his voice made me feel better.

"Hey Dean, what's up?"

"I was just wondering if we are still on for tonight? Instead of dinner, I thought maybe I could take you somewhere."

A rush of questions and insecurities flooded my mind. Maybe he didn't want to be seen with me after yesterday, or maybe he wanted to cancel but didn't know how to tell me."

"Y/N? You there?"

"Oh sorry, yeah, if that's what you want to do. I mean, obviously its your decision."

There was a pause, and anxiety started to creep in. Had I said the wrong thing?

He chuckled into the phone, "Uh, I'm glad your thinking of me Y/N, but this is our date. I just wanted to bring you somewhere special. You can have an opinion, you know?" His laugh was reassuring, and I giggled in return.

Of course, he was a gentleman on top of everything else.

"I think that sounds amazing. What time should I be ready for?"

"How does 5:30 sound?"

I smiled to myself, "Sounds good. See you later Dean."

With that, I hung up and placed my phone back on the nightstand. A sigh of contentment escaped me as I thought about tonight. Perhaps this would be the night things changed for me.

Dean seemed like a genuinely nice guy, he hadn't judged me during the incident with Andrew. Maybe he was different from other men.

But as I thought about tonight, my nerves started getting the better of me. What would I wear? Dean hadn't specified if it was a fancy or casual outing. Not getting a clear instruction always made me anxious-I've made that mistake before.

i grabbed my phone and started typing a message, then hesitated, deleted it, and finally sent it. He responded almost immediately.

I smiled to myself as I read through the messages repeatedly. It was tempting to remain in bed reading them, but I knew I had to get up and start my day before my date later tonight.

As I made my way to my suitcase, I frowned, realizing I had fewer clothes than expected; half of my stuff was still at Andrew’s place, and I had no intention of going back there.

Unfortunately, I had to go shopping. I threw on my coat, grabbed my purse, and headed out, sitting in the car debating where to go. There was a nearby clothing store, but what if Andrew had talked to the staff and made things awkward there? There was another option out of town, but it was quite a distance.

My phone rang, and I couldn’t help but laugh seeing Dean’s name. I answered quickly. “Can’t stay away, huh?”

He chuckled deeply. “You caught me. Missed you already! But, I might need to push our date back an hour. Got stuck at work until 5:30 now instead of 4. Is it okay if I pick you up at 6:30?"

“No worries, that’s fine,” I replied.

“What are you up to today?” He questioned with a smile I could hear.

I debated whether to be vague or share. Part of me wanted to tell him about my day; strangely, he seemed genuinely interested. “Just going shopping. Turns out I need more clothes than I thought.”

“Well, have fun! Where are you headed?”

“Probably the next town over. I know there are a few shops there.”

He paused for a moment, and my heart skipped a beat. “Oh, that’s quite a journey. You must really like those stores,” he teased.

I nervously giggled, playing with my coat zipper. “Not really. Andrew has stirred up a lot of drama around here, and I prefer to avoid it.”

He sighed audibly, his concern evident even through the phone. "Sweetheart, stay right there. I'll bring something to help you out."

I chuckled softly, biting my lip. "Okay. I'll wait here."

Twenty minutes passed before I spotted Dean’s truck pulling in, a young girl sitting in the passenger seat. Dean smiled at me as he got out and opened the girl’s door.

“Y/N, this is Claire. She's a good family friend,” Dean introduced.

I extended my hand nervously. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Claire smiled back, shaking my hand. “You too. So Dean brought me here to go shopping with you, said people in this town were being assholes to you?”

I felt embarrassed, glancing at Dean who looked apologetic for his improvised plan. “Uh, yeah.”

“Well, don’t worry. People dislike me more than they could dislike you, and I also do enjoy shopping, so let’s go,” Claire said with a reassuring smile.

I laughed, silently thanking Dean for sending her my way. After Dean left, Claire hopped into my car, her manner friendly.

“Dean is crazy about you, it’s hilarious,” Claire remarked.

“Really?” I asked, surprised.

She chuckled. “I didn’t even have a chance to say yes. He was already at my door, pulling me into the truck, saying he needed a huge favor.”

“Oh…”

Claire frowned slightly. “Not that hanging out with you is a favour. He told me you didn’t have many friends here, and people weren’t treating you right. He thought we might get along, so here I am. I don't have many friends here either so it works out.”

I nodded, touched by Dean’s thoughtfulness but also feeling a pang of insecurity. It was sweet of him, yet I couldn't shake the feeling of being a charity case.

“Earth to Y/N?” Claire’s voice snapped me back to reality.

I managed a sad smile. “Sorry, I just… I hope this doesn’t seem pathetic. Like Dean had to beg you to be friends with me.”

Claire shook her head, laughing lightly. “Even if it does, he had good intentions. Maybe we’ll become great friends because of this, or maybe not. Either way, let’s make the most of today.”

I nodded in agreement as we arrived at the store. Claire’s easy confidence helped ease my nerves, and I found myself enjoying her company. She didn’t treat me like a charity case; instead, she was sassy and genuine.

As we browsed through clothes, Claire asked, “So what are you planning on wearing tonight?”

I shrugged. “Dean said something comfortable and casual.”

“Are you planning on… you know, tonight?” Claire asked bluntly with a smirk.

I blushed deeply, surprised by her directness. “Claire!"

She chuckled and nodded, "Yeah, I'm straightforward like that. But seriously, are you making any plans, or are you more of a wait-until-the-third-date kind of person?"

The idea of something potentially happening with Dean made butterflies flutter in my stomach. Did he expect us to be intimate tonight? Was that the norm for dating now?

"I honestly haven't thought about it until this moment. Do you think he's expecting it tonight?"

Claire laughed softly and shook her head. "Dean is a true gentleman. As much as he annoys me and gets on my nerves, he's kind, protective, and wouldn't harm a fly. It all depends on what you're comfortable with."

She offered me a couple of shirts, but they didn't quite fit my style. Dean had said to be comfortable, but I also wanted to impress him. The last times he saw me, I wasn't looking my best.

Claire returned with armfuls of clothes, a wide grin on her face. "Changing rooms, let's do this!"

Following her to the back, I stepped into a dressing room as she handed me various outfits. They weren't my usual choices, but surprisingly cute.

I tried on the burgundy leggings, a white tank top, and a jacket Claire gave me. When I looked in the mirror, I was surprised—I felt beautiful for once. The leggings fit my curves nicely, and the top showed off my shape. I knew Dean would be surprised; he's only seen me in baggy clothes before.

Stepping out, I found Claire waiting, her jaw dropping in awe. I couldn't help but laugh at her reaction. "Wowww. Girl, Dean won't know what hit him."

After paying and grabbing a quick lunch, I dropped Claire off at her house. Before she left, she asked for my number, which made me feel valued. It seemed like things were finally looking up.

Back at the motel, I checked the time—it was already 5:30, just an hour before Dean would pick me up.

I was feeling even more nervous now. Dean was coming soon, and I was wearing something a bit more revealing. It was scary, but I had a feeling Dean would like it. I couldn't wait.

I had just finished putting on makeup and getting dressed when a knock on the door grabbed my attention. Quickly adjusting my outfit, I nervously made my way to the door.

When I opened it, we both paused, taking each other in. Dean looked incredibly handsome in a red button-up shirt layered over a black t-shirt, paired with faded blue jeans. He looked even better than I remembered, if that was possible.

His eyes scanned me from head to toe, and he let out a low whistle before meeting my eyes with a smile. "Wow... Y/N, you look stunning."

Blushing wildly, I fiddled with my hands, trying to hide my flustered grin that probably made me look like a teenager—but he noticed, and it only made him smile wider.

He then pulled out a bouquet of flowers from behind his back and held them out to me. "Dean! You really didn't have to get me flowers."

He shrugged, his smile turning a bit shy. "I know, but I thought they might brighten up the motel room a bit."

I leaned in and kissed his cheek, chuckling softly as his cheeks turned red and he looked bashful. He was adorable when he was shy.

After putting the flowers in water, I grabbed my coat and followed him outside. I glanced around, looking for his truck, which caused him to laugh. "You didn't think I'd show up for our date in my tow truck, did you?"

"I wouldn’t judge if you did. Which car is yours?” I asked.

He pointed to the black car, and my jaw dropped. It was the most amazing car I’d ever seen. I didn’t know much about cars, but when I was a kid, my dad had taught me a thing or two, especially about this one.

“Oh my god. No way. A ‘67 Chevy Impala? Those are a rare breed.”

He froze, staring back at me in awe, clearly surprised that I recognized the car and its classic status.

“Whoa, a girl after my heart. You know a lot about cars?” he asked.

I shook my head and chuckled. “No, my dad was the car enthusiast. He collected them. We had a calendar of classic cars, and this Chevy was featured in May. I always thought it was the most beautiful car.”

His smiled wider, “Well, thank you. I love her, and I’m glad you do too.”

“Her? What’s her name?”

He blushed, looking down. “Baby.”

I giggled and playfully nudged his arm. “Does that ever confuse the ladies?”

He chuckled along with me, his blush spreading. “Nah, I mix it up depending on the person.”

“Good to know.”

He opened the car door for me and then walked around to the driver’s side. As he got in, I couldn’t help but be fascinated by the car. I barely noticed when we started driving; it was just such a perfect match for Dean.

He drove for a while, asking about my life-where I came from, how many siblings I had. It was clear he was avoiding talking about Andrew, and I was grateful for that. I turned to face him better, but then I froze. My eyes locked on the cut on his lip and the green bruise on his cheek.

“What?” He asked nervously, offering a smile.

“What happened to your face?” I asked, concern in my voice.

His hand went to his lip, and he nodded in understanding, seeming to have forgotten about his cuts and bruises.

“Oh, uh, nothing really. Family disagreement, nothing major.”

I narrowed my eyes and sighed, feeling a connection. “Look at both of us, the weirdos with bruises.”

He chuckled softly and placed his hand on my leg, squeezing gently. My heart skipped a beat, and I felt a rush of emotions like a teenager again.

It took a while to reach the lake Dean wanted to bring me to, and as soon as did, nerves flooded back. This was real-the first date. The night that could shape our relationship. It was more nerve-wracking than I remembered.

He got out of the car and went to the back, pulling out a blanket, a bottle of wine, and a cooler. I couldn't help but smile as my heart warmed; he had put so much thought into our first date, and it meant a lot.

Once the blanket was set up, he sat down next to me and opened the cooler, grabbing snacks for us both.

"Wow, Dean, you went all out."

His cheeks turned a shade of red as he chuckled nervously. "Sometimes I do."

He reached for the wine but hesitated, his eyes searching mine. "Um, is the wine okay or?"

I furrowed my brows in confusion, a nervous smile forming. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

He seemed lost in thought for a moment, as if trying to figure out how to explain something. Then it hit me—he must have heard the rumors around town. He believed them.

I dropped my head, feeling my heart sink. I had thought he, of all people, wouldn’t believe those things about me. But clearly, he was uneasy about drinking, afraid the rumours were true.

He sighed and placed his hand on my leg. “I didn’t mean anything by it... it’s just...”

“You heard the rumors about my drinking problem, and now you’re worried about me,” I finished for him.

His eyes widened, and he put the bottle down, leaning closer. “No! No, not at all! I just...”

He sighed heavily, brushing his hair back in frustration. “Sometimes rumours are spread, and sometimes there’s truth to them, even if it’s exaggerated. I just needed to check, to make sure you weren’t at risk or uncomfortable with drinking.”

He frowned, removing his hand from my leg, clearly feeling guilty. I wasn’t angry at him—I was frustrated with Andrew and those stupid rumors. I just wanted to be myself without judgment.

Turning towards him, I grabbed the wine and popped the cork, taking a sip to ease the tension. He smirked and nodded, taking the bottle from me and joining in.

I sighed and moved closer. “Okay, before our date really gets going, let’s clear the air. No more doubts about me. Tell me what you’ve heard, and I’ll tell you if it’s true. Whether you believe it or not is up to you.”

He nodded, turning to face me. After a moment of thought, he spoke up. “One thing I heard was that you used him and then left, but I already know that’s not true.”

“How do you know that’s not true?”

“Because I was at that motel that day. I saw what he was doing and the look on his face. Also, if you had used him and taken his money, you wouldn’t have come in without a tow truck that day.”

I smiled and nodded. “Good detective work. What else?”

He sighed and handed me the bottle. “That you have a drinking problem and get violent when you’re under the influence.”

“Okay. I don’t have a drinking problem. Andrew did. We went to parties, had a few drinks, and when I stood up to him because of the liquid courage, he blamed it on that. Also, I only hit him once—the day at the motel. That part was true.”

He nodded, his hand returning to my leg in a comforting gesture.

“What else?” I asked, handing him back the bottle. He took a swig and looked down.

“I heard that the bruises on your face were from a bar fight, and you blamed him for it. But again, I know that’s not true.” He laughed.

I sighed and nodded. “I was in a bar fight, technically. I was drinking with my neighbor, and this random girl thought she was hitting on her boyfriend—she actually was—so the girl got in her face. I stepped in, and the girl swung at me. But after that, I went home. My neighbor apparently told her husband I was the one hitting on the guy from the bar, and he told Andrew. When I got home, Andrew was furious and drunk. I tried to walk away, but he…”

I froze, tears welling up as I recalled the painful memory. “He grabbed me and threw me to the ground. That was the first time he hit me.”

Dean winced, his jaw tightening. “Is that when you left?”

I shook my head, tears streaming down my face. “No. I was stupid and stayed. About a week later, I found out he was sleeping with the neighbor. I confronted him, angry and hurt. He called me a liar, said I was drunk and imagining things. So I got even angrier, threatened to leave, and told him I’d expose him for who he really was. That’s when he snapped… I don’t remember much after that—it happened so fast—but I remember the pain of his fists over and over again. I remember seeing the blood on his hands and the smile on his face. I thought, ‘I’m going to die tonight. My fiancé is going to kill me.’ And honestly, at that moment, I was okay with it. The pain he caused me was unbearable.”

My head hung low as I sobbed quietly, the weight of the memories crushing me. Dean pulled me onto his lap, wrapping his arms around me protectively. “It’s okay. He’s not going to hurt you anymore. I won’t let him,” he whispered soothingly.

I sighed and looked up, Dean’s thumbs gently wiping away my tears.

“I’m sorry,” I choked out.

His brow furrowed in confusion. “Sorry for what, sweetheart?”

“For ruining our date. I shouldn’t have talked about that.”

He shook his head, holding me tighter. “Don’t apologize. You didn’t ruin anything. In fact, you’ve made me feel even closer to you. I appreciate you telling me. It couldn’t have been easy.”

I shook my head, resting against his shoulder, my arms holding him close. A weight lifted off my shoulders—I wasn’t alone in this anymore. Someone finally believed me.

He kissed my forehead and smiled softly. “Now, let’s sit down and talk some more. We’ll still have a great night, okay?”

I nodded, leaning in slowly to press my lips against his. Each kiss felt like the first, and with each one, I felt myself falling even deeper in love.

It was only our first date, but I knew—I was falling hard.

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! Chapter 4 coming soon stay tuned!

Like, comment, and reblog, feedback is my fuel 💕

[sunflowerrosewood]

Not A Scum ~ Obey Me! Mammon

Author's Note: Since my other account @cheekyredwillow got deleted. I am adding some of my favorite fanfictions to this account and revamping this one with new ones. I hope to make an actual list of fandoms I am still a fan of! NO requests for the time being.

On to the one shot!

You were the other human transfer student and since became close with all the demon brothers. Mammon was the one you find the closest. He was, as you would say, your first. But even being the first one to make a pact with, you still thought of Mammon as your crush. And while you had an obvious crush on him, so much so that Belphie and Beelzebub would tease you about it, Mammon's crush on you wasn't as apparent.

You knew something strange was coming up when Mammon began to avoid you. It was shortly after some rowdy demons tried to kill you and Lucifer and Mammon protected you. But they did not take into the account of one that disappeared and then stabbed you in the shoulder. 

Lucifer immediately killed that demon and Mammon was yelling because the demon made the injury bubble and burn. It scared him. What you did not know was that Mammon blamed himself. If he hadn't dragged you to the cafe for a drink and left you alone, you wouldn't be in this mess. 

The burn was not as bad but Diavolo made you take the next couple of weeks off. Luckily Diavolo set something up where you could get your classwork similar to Levi and Belphie. Luke and Simeon do check on you other than the brothers. Speaking of the brothers, every single one of them checked on you except Mammon. While it was nice to see them worried, Mammon is usually the first to be there. 

You tried checking in by texting but you would just get the read message. And after a week of being waited on, you could get up and go to him. So you decided to put on some sweats and go outside. You could hear the Asmo, Mammon, Satan, and Levi in the halls so you decided to wait and listen. 

"How is she?" Mammon asked. 

"She seems to be doing fine with homework. The burn is healing nicely. She should be moving soon." Satan said nonchalantly.

"No thanks to you." Levi snapped. 

"What do you mean?" Mammon growled.

"What Levi is saying because thanks to you scum, Y/n was hurt. You left and she was hurt. Lucifer knew something would go wrong but you had to be greedy like usual. Now you didn't even check on her to see if she was okay like you didn't care. You are truly a scum." Asmodeus said as you could see Mammon's fist clench. 

"I was ashamed and thought Y/n would be upset with me." Mammon growled. 

"She would have been happier if you showed up." Levi growled. 

You noticed the three brothers walk away from Mammon. Mammon was looking down and pulled out his phone. You were lucky your phone was on vibrate because you saw you finally got a message from Mammon. He walked in his room afterwards.

Mammon: how are you?

You: I'm doing better now. I'm walking around.

Mammon: Sorry I haven't been by

Mammon: Do you mind if I come by now?

Mammon: I understand if you don't want me to

You: Come on by

You: I've missed you

End…

As soon as you sent your message, you heard a soft knock on your door. You got up and opened the door and could see that Mammon's gold eyes were dark. He looked ashamed and sad. Your heart felt like someone stuck a stake in it. 

"Mammon, is everything okay?" You asked softly. 

“I’m sorry Y/n for not checking up on you.” He said as you tugged him over to your bed.

“Why did you stay away from me?” You asked even though you had a good feeling what the answer would be.

You had never seen Mammon so hurt before. But even though you tried to usher him to sit on the bed, he bent down on his knees in front of you. You noticed his hands were shaking as he touched where you got your wound.

“May I see?” Mammon asked, avoiding the other question. 

You lifted your shirt and the gash where the demon had attacked had softened to just one pink streak on your side. Luckily Luke and Simeon made a medicine to heal it quickly. Mammon touched the wound on your side and you heard a soft whimper. When you looked down, Mammon had his face on your lap near the wound. 

“Mammon please tell me what is wrong.” You begged as Mammon touched his pact mark along the inner side of your left wrist. He pulled his head up and you saw tear streaks down his face. 

“I truly am a scumbag.” Mammon croaked as you felt his hand rubbing your pact mark. “I’m supposed to protect you. All I do is get you hurt and one of the other boys has to clean it up.”

“Mammon please look at me.” You said as his gold eyes met your e/c eyes.

“Y/n?” He questioned as you threw your arms around him and hugged him. You felt him stiffen not being used to contact. 

“Mammon you are not a scum or scumbag. Sure when we first met, it wasn’t the most pleasant. But now you brag about you being my first member to make a pact and it is something I cherish.” You said as Mammon tried to break the hug. “You made a mistake. We all do. But that will not make me love you any less.”

“Of course you would love me.” He said trying to show off but you felt his body shake. 

“Mammon, I know you aren’t okay. But I do promise you that I love you so much.” You said as you felt him hug you back.

“I’m sorry Y/n. I’m sorry. I promise I will take better care of you. I will protect you. I love you too Y/n.” Mammon rambled out as you pulled him onto your bed. 

The two of you stayed in each other’s arms for a few hours. The other brothers ended up peeking in to see. They did give Mammon hell for not checking up on you because they knew how much you loved him. And they didn’t like to see you upset and seeing Mammon beating himself up over it. They knew that since you two finally accepted each other’s feelings that it won’t be so one sided anymore. It also helped to hear each other’s worries and comfort.

[kittenjammer]

Hi! So I was going through your snape tag (btw sorry for the million notifications you probably got), and I noticed you weren’t very much a fan way back on the early days of your blog. Feel free to completely ignore this if you don’t feel like answering (it is truly none of my business), but I’m always fond of hearing people’s “how I came to like this character” or “why I changed my mind about this character” stories and I was wondering what yours was :)

Hiii! Thanks for the ask! (No worries on the notification spam lol) and I appreciate that you reached out!

Yes! I think he was one of the characters I had the most difficulty empathizing with because I had such a strong, emotional reaction to him. Especially after OotP forward. He's divisive! (Also looking back through my Snape tag has me internally cringing a bit with how little grace I extended to the poor guy...ah well. With age/maturity comes wisdom...? D: )

I'm ngl, after reviewing some of the earlier posts, my immediate reaction is to delete them as my opinions have definitely changed, but maybe it's good to leave it as a record of my evolving mindset towards the character? lol

Ok, so what changed?

Well, it certainly helps I'm now closer to adult Snape's age from Book 1 than Harry's age when I was first reading the HP series as it was being published. I didn't give much thought to Snape beyond he was a mean teacher and a bully, for the first four books at least.

I got into the HP fandom around when GoF had been released so I was discovering plenty of fanfic and fan meta. Snape was one of the more ... well ... fans reactions to him that liked him or even wrote him sexually with the cast confused middle-school me, to be honest. I was more interested in the child characters than the adults, so I was vaguely aware of how he was portrayed in fandom but didn't really engage.

This changed after OotP was released, and we finally got some explicit Severus Snape backstory and history with the Occlumency lessons. I had a really an emotional reaction to SWM and some of the memories we got a glimpse of. I was empathetic and not completely surprised to learn Snape was from an abusive home, that he had possible trauma and issues that explained his actions and why he was so cold and angry. Like Harry, I was really disappointed in how his father and Sirius treated Snape. There's just no excuse for how they sought him out to pick on him for fun. I was on Harry's side with confronting Sirius and Lupin about how his dad and they acted.

Also, I read everything with shipper eyes, and immediately felt there was more to Severus and Lily's relationship beyond her just coming over and reacting to James actions lol. They called Jily a crack!ship but it looks like they were validated in the end lol.

However what really made me emotionally react with anger was that we are basically being shown that Severus knows what it's like to be a scared child being abused and tormented by authority figures and other children, but he does it to his students?? I could not understand his actions at a time but I would get genuinely angry when I did think about it. To child me, this felt like a betrayal, both for a fictional character and when actual people did this. Looking back I was reacting so strongly due to my own personal experience with trauma in the home and with authority figures abusing children.

I recall not caring much about him in HBP or DH. I was much more upset with Sirius' death than Dumbledore's, so Snape's "betrayal" was just not something I recall reacting emotionally to. In DH, I definitely remember reading his memories and just feeling irritated with him. To me, he was a guy with trauma and emotional issues, sure, but I felt his behavior towards Harry, Hermione, and Neville was not excused for me. At most I felt begrudging respect for him and acknowledged he was not a completely terrible person. Harry naming one of his son's after him felt so bizarre, and I just could not understand why Harry wanted to honor him. Forgive him, sure I could understand Harry doing that, but naming his child after Snape just left me feeling confused. I could not understand how Snape could have loved Lily so much, but treated her son like he did.

I know I'm basically rambling, but it really has been a journey. :P

When I grew out of HP and the fandom after DH was published, I never gave much thought to him or his circumstances until I (unexpectedly) returned to the HP fandom last summer. I reread all of the books as an adult and I had the life experience and maturity to understand that:

A) Snape was funny! A lot funnier than I remember.

B) His actions throughout the book were too subtle for teenage me, but they made me really question my previous feelings for the character.

C) Everyone Dumbledore was kind of terrible to him!

I read a lot of really well written meta on the characters and HP. Specifically I think it was @pet-genius posts on reddit I found that really helped me put my thoughts and feelings regarding HP, primarily Harry, in order. And I can't help but compare and contrast Harry and Severus as characters and how they each approach their trauma and grief.

@ashesandhackles metas on Snape was also really helpful in highlighting the examples in the text that showed how Snape's actions sometimes directly contradict with what he said, especially to Harry. He's always presenting himself as this cold and controlled person, disparaging emotional reactions and connections. Yet he's one of the most emotionally reactive characters in the series next to Harry!

I was able to see clearer a lot of things I liked about him. That he's an incredibly skilled and hardworking person. That he cares very deeply for people he does allow himself to have feelings for and connections to. That he was scared, so scared, probably all the time after Voldemort's return to power, but he never wavered in his determination to continue to show up and fulfill his duty. Him making the Vow with Narcissa to try to protect Draco. The incredible pain he must have been in when he used the Killing Curse on Dumbledore, the one person left that knew everything about him and still valued him. That he dies keeping silent about the Elder Wand ownership, protecting Draco from becoming Voldemort's next target.

I also viewed his relationship with Lily as so much more complex than unrequited love. There's a meta out there (I will edit this post and link it if I find it again) that argues Snape wasn't really in love with Lily, and that "Always" quote is so much deeper than a romantic, or sexual, type of feelings for her. I think it argues that Snape elevated Lily to a symbol of Good, or at least used her memory to guide him on morality. I felt so much more respect for the guy that he had dedicated his life as penance, basically, for betraying his once-best friend once more.

This is getting long, I hope this wasn't too much. I have changed my feelings on how Severus treated Harry and the other kids close to him in that year's class. Looking at how he acts to others and comparing to how he acts with Harry, I now now I feel Harry was a very specific trigger for Severus and he showed Harry and Harry's potions class a side of him that he generally did not show to anyone else. This is just my personal interpretation based on how other adults, from Dumbledore to even Lupin, and kids speak of Snape as a professor and seem to think Harry is just exaggerating that Snape hates him. When, no, Snape really is projecting his hate and rage and grief about James and Lily onto Harry and he does actually hate the kid. Which, it's probably easier for Severus to think he hates Harry rather than hates himself.

I could keep going but I will stop here for now. I hope that answers the question? But feel free to chat more :) I hope you don't mind I responded with a blog post, I can take it down if you would rather it be answered privately lol.

I suppose the tl;dr version is that Snape makes me angry because he makes me feel things about myself that I don't like, but with age and reading other people's thoughts on the character has definitely made me come around to they guy!

[deathmetalangel]

Hi!

A friend of mine (aka that-kid-FromThePlayground) told me that you write for Steven Universe characters amazingly! So I'm here to request smth if that's okay ^^

What about platonic headcanons for Rose Quartz, Pearl, Rubi, Saphire and Garnet (sepparetly if it's possible) with an early teenager fem!pink pearl!reader (in between 11 and 14) who was abused by her owner and the gems didn't know that.

And one day she just breaks something and by seing the gem's disapointed or mad face she just breaks and falls to her knees asking for forgivenes and to not be punished in a very scared tone of voice.

(Yeah, my friend and I love angst as you can see '^^, mostly because it's our coping mecanism, and feel free to delete or ignore this ask if you're tired of angsty request)

GLIMPSES OF HER PAST (GEMS X F!READER/PLATONIC)

warnings: ptsd, mentions of abuse, i kinda filled this with my mommy issues (meh kinda but not really), mentions of “death”

reader was a gem they found poofed and trapped in some artifact and steven (or rose) freed her so now she lives with the gems, however she still hasn’t mentioned her past

sorry about the wait! i was just tying up some loose ends :/ but i’m back and better than ever hahaha

ROSE QUARTZ

- rose never pried into y/n’s past much she understood that as a pearl she was most likely unable to speak of her past owner as well

- so seeing her cowering on her knees in front of her just wrecked her

- as a diamond she was used to gems kneeling before her begging for their gems to be spared, but this was just on another level

- rose wasn’t even mad about it which is what surprised her the most

- while tears fall down y/n’s face rose just gently pulls her into a hug

- “shh. it’s okay. i won’t let anything happen to you, i promise.”

- rose had an inking about the true horrors of y/n’s last. she’d never speak to her about them in fear of upsetting the young gem

- however rose would protect her with everything she had

PEARL

- the shattering sound had interrupted her very long winded rant about sword technique

- when her head whipped around to see y/n she is quickly alerted before she even gets the chance to scold the gem

- y/n was shaking in her place before dropping to her knees and begging pearl for forgiveness

- pearl freezes not exactly knowing what to do

- “y/n, it’s just a vase.”

- when she hears her beg not to get shattered she stops in her tracks

- pearl lowers herself to the crying gems level and softens her face

- “i’m not mad. i promise. you’re okay y/n. everything is okay.”

- she almost wanted to cry seeing how genuinely terrified y/n was

- helps y/n clean up while gently reprimanding and comforting her

RUBY

- hotheaded as ever the shattering of glass caught ruby’s attention

- “just perfect! another thing i have to clean up!”

- she was already angry from a bad mission so her snapping was just her blowing off steam

- ruby quickly shuts up when she notices her crying softly

- y/n holds her gem defensively while begging not to get shattered

- ruby quickly burns out and starts to apologize

- “wha-what? no! i would never do that. i’m so sorry y/n. i was just overreacting!”

- tries her best to get y/n to calm down and it eventually works

- “geez kid what happened to you.”

SAPPHIRE

- despite how stoic she normally is y/n was still terrified of the gems still face

- the moment the vase breaks and sapphire turns around y/n immediately starts to panic

- breaks down in front of sapphire begging her not to get mad at her

- sapphire recoils slightly not seeing her react like that

- “y/n i had already foreseen it. it was an accident. i know that.”

- her reassurance does little for the gem who lets up on her crying only slightly

- sapphire tries to handle it as best she can without showing how worried she really was

- “i promise i’d never hurt you y/n. no one here would, but can you please tell me what happened to you before we found you?”

GARNET

- to say garnet didn't already for see the entire thing happening would be a lie

- yet she still couldn’t exactly find the right path to choose

- it wasn’t until the shattering of glass caught her attention

- y/n was already freaking out before she even said anything

- fat tears start to roll down her face as she begins to cry for mercy

- garnet simply walks forward and places her hand in her shoulder which freaks her out more and she cries harder

- “it is okay y/n. it was an inevitable, and mostly my mistake for not preventing it. please try and calm down.”

- garnet sits down on the floor with the crying gem and gently takes her hands

- “y/n please relax. you’re okay, i would never hurt you. and if you ever assumed i would i’m sorry for giving you that impression. just take a moment to breathe. i’m with you.”

- the motherly presence and love garnet had for the girl was so obvious and it did help her calm down

- garnet goes to get donuts with her :3

[acidh2otoby]

Dating Headcanons

Warnings: Opinions

This was one of the posts that I made my complaint about because the amount of times I fat thumb pressed something and it forced me to delete everything is insane.

Chris Redfield

• Teddy. Bear.

• Just look at him, those arms 100% give the best bear hugs, are amazing for cuddling, and also to keep you safe and protected.

• Chris' love language is physical touch and he's most likely touch starved to the extreme, so expect him to have his hand somewhere on you.

• His time is spent a lot at work or is even still doing work when he's home or in public and he feels bad whenever he can't spend time with you. But when he can, he will not leave your side.

• Chris has some flaws and issues but he's working through them and you helping is something he deeply appreciates.

• He deals with alcoholism, severe PTSD, and anger issues. He's always been working on these flaws of his because they are somewhat fixable but now that you're in the picture, his need to fix himself has grown stronger.

• Chris takes pride in the people he cares about, meaning that if anyone says anything remotely bad about you, some of his coworkers might, he'll immediately warn them with something. You've talked with him about it and now all he really says is, "Hey..." and giving them a look.

• Pet names aren't Chris' go-to way of addressing you, especially to your face. He does use them, but not a lot. You might here, baby, honey, sweetie.

• All in all, he's truly a good boyfriend and his little flaws get overshadowed by everything else that makes him awesome.

Leon Kennedy

• Awkward lil guy.

• Leon is the kind of boyfriend that if he has no idea what your telling him or asking him, he'll either shrug or just give you a thumbs up.

• He cares about you, a lot, he just has a hard time showing it.

• He's kinda shy when talking to you as his partner, normally he's fine with talking to you, but if he's trying to flirt or tell you how much you mean to him, he's a stuttering mess until he eventually just says something stupid like, "You're awesome."

• Leon can't cook. At all. It's a disaster when he does. He needs help.

• He also has some flaws that are kinda hard to work with. He also suffers from alcoholism and PTSD like Chris, but his other thing is that he has the tendency to run away, mentally and sometimes physically, if a confrontation gets too heated.

• He hates fighting with you but knows it's a healthy thing in relationships, he just gets a little scared when things start to get loud. He isn't scared of you, he feels like the reason you're upset is because of him and his thoughts get the better of him.

• Leon will come back after he knows you've calmed down and then you two will continue with the topic in a more quiet manner. A lot of the beginning of the conversation is you reassuring him that you weren't mad at him and that he did nothing wrong and that you're sorry.

• Pet names for Leon are simple and he uses them a little more than Chris but he still says your name more. You might here sweetie, sweetheart, honey.

• Overall, he's a good boyfriend, you just have to be a little patient with him from time to time.

Jill Valentine

• Badass with a big heart.

• Jill has made it clear to a lot of people that she isn't someone to fuck around and find out with. But for the people that she cares about, she's nothing but a sweetheart to them.

• When she loves someone, they know it, and they should never throw that kind of affection away. Ever.

• The beginning of the relationship might not be as grand as all others but that's mostly because Jill is testing the waters with you, her trust issues will always get in the way but she's always willing to try.

• After you've gained her trust, there is nothing, absolutely nothing that stops her from showering you in all the love she has to offer.

• Her love language is also physical touch and she won't stop showing it to you, even in public. The only difference outside is that it's in small ways, her favorite thing to do is just simply booping you on the nose.

• Jill can cook but it's mostly just easy stuff or stuff that have instructions on whatever packaging it came in.

• Her issues/flaws are trust issues, PTSD, and anxiety. She gets nightmares and gets a little panicked whenever she hears or sees something alarming, leaving you to be the person to comfort her in her times of distress.

• Jill uses pet names sometimes, more-so if she's in trouble or is about to tell/ask you something that could potentially get her in trouble. You may hear, honey, hun, babe.

• Jill's a great girlfriend to have and is all around amazing, getting with her is like finding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

Sherry Birkin

• (I honestly need to do more with Sherry because she's genuinely a character I feel everyone loves but gets overshadowed a lot by other characters so, this is a little short to maybe a series?)

• Sherry hasn't had the greatest life, to say the least. But she doesn't let that stop her from being happy and content with who she loves and cares about.

• Her childhood probably wasn't the greatest, her teenage years undoubtedly got ripped away from her, then she became an agent, another time consuming thing.

• The chances of her not having a romantic partner prior to you was incredibly high due to the way the government... or, Derek Simmons, treated her.

• She loves you to death and would do anything for you, even without asking. Her love for you was a little startling to you at first but you eventually got used to it and found it cute.

• Sherry is a sucker for classic and even cheesy romantic stuff and her optimism about it makes you feel the same, seeing her face light up every time the two of you do something together that would be classified as such is just amazing.

• Her flaws are not terribly bad but they do sometimes worry you. Hers consist of PTSD, parental issues, and having a hard time with confrontation.

• Not all bad things necessarily but can be a little troublesome for times. Her PTSD can give her nightmares or keep her up all night and she has a hard time going to doctors appointments, especially if needles are involved. The parental issues is something she doesn't really talk about but you notice she gets a little sad around September. And the confrontation thing? Well...

• The first time you and Sherry had a fight, she knew it was normal but she felt like the little defenseless girl she once was and hated the feeling. She ended up breaking down and crying, it was the first time you saw her cry and it felt like someone stabbed you in the heart.

• She uses some pet names but kinda only uses your real name. You might hear, sweetie, honey, baby.

• Sherry truly loves you and in her dreams, she plans on growing old with you. You landed yourself an amazing girlfriend with a heart of gold.

Finn Macaulay

• Big puppy energy.

• Finn is undoubtedly one of the sweetest and nicest guys out there, also just the most wholesome.

• He cares about a lot of people but it's pretty clear that once he meets you, he'd do anything and everything to keep you safe and feel loved.

• Like I mentioned with Sherry, Finn probably didn't have a whole lot of relationships before you so he's kind of the hopeless romantic type.

• His love language is physical touch to an extreme, he always has to be in reach of you or it's like he's in a depressive mood. It's very sweet but he also gets in trouble for it a little when working.

• Finn's flaws aren't terrible, to say the least, and they're actually rather cute when you really think about it.

• He has some small PTSD but it's not too bad (yet), some anxiety, and a little paranoia.

• Now, they all sound bad but they're not severe at all, and they mostly come off as Finn worrying too much.

• The PTSD is just hearing a loud bang and thinking it's a gun or missile and nightmares that keep him up at night.

• Finn uses pet names a handful of times but prefers to use your name. You might hear, honey, baby, princess/prince. (I was gonna put Pumpkin but I thought if he had a kid, he'd call them Pumpkin instead.)

• In the end, Finn is an amazing boyfriend and does everything he can to make sure you're the happiest you can be. Finn wants to have a family with you when he's ready and he hopes you'll let him.

Jake Muller

• Oh, this assho--

• Jake's an asshole but he's not an absolute dickbag. He just has his moments.

• He has a different way of showing he cares about someone that's not like everyone else's way.

• Like I said, he has his moments of pure asshole-ness and being incredibly nice and sweet.

• His flaws aren't necessarily as bad as others either, just something you have to get a little used to them or talk with him about it.

• Jake has some daddy issues, anger issues, and a touch of dickishness.

• All of these things Jake can work through and also some things you get used to at some point but they also make him who he is.

• His love language is pebbling, he finds something he likes or something that reminds him of you and he'll just give it to you without explaining.

• Jake's pet names aren't what a lot of people would expect but you call him a lot of these things in return to even each other out. You might hear, dumbass, idiot, fuck-head.

• Jake truly is a good boyfriend when it comes down to it and he cares about you deeply. Also like Finn and Sherry, he wants to grow old with you and have a family eventually.

[imjustherefortheshipping]

Wolfstar Dating-App Meet-Cute

Sirius and Remus match on a dating app

Sirius is very into the frail, “hot” nerd look

Remus is very into Sirius’s everything, but thinks there’s no chance in hell he ever has a shot with the guy. He just stares at his profile and fantasizes. He can’t bring himself to swipe it away, scared that it’ll be the last time he ever sees those beautiful tattoos and the silky black hair and the cute earrings paired with that confident smile… sigh. And he can’t just take a picture and moon over that, that’d be totally creepy!

So whenever he opens the app, it’s to Sirius’s dating profile which in consequence means he can’t swipe anymore.

Oh well, he didn’t really think this dating app thing would work to begin with.

Until- on the third day of opening and closing the app he accidentally gives the guy a superlike!

Remus is mortified! This is so embarrassing! Now Sirius will think he actually believes he has a chance! Only weirdos give superlikes! Ahhh! He screams into his pillow.

He’s so distracted in fact that he doesn’t notice the app telling him “It’s a match!”. At least not until he gets a notification! From Sirius!

Because, meanwhile, Sirius has been absolutely elated that the cutest guy on the app has given him a superlike! Jackpot! Of course he’s going to text him immediately!

Remus can’t believe his eyes. This must me a dream.

But he obviously can’t ghost the guy! He deserves better! Who is Remus to make him upset!!! No one’s probably ever ghosted Sirius! And he will definitely not be the one to start!

So they talk.

And they bond over their mutual love for dogs and political activism.

Turns out there’s a LGBTQIA+ demo in their city in a few days!

And Sirius wants to go with him!

And if it’s for queer rights Remus can’t possibly say no, right? It’s for the greater good!

So they meet. And Remus is extremely shy at first because Sirius in real life is a thousand times prettier and cooler than on his profile. How is that even possible!

Luckily Sirius thinks Remus’s initial nervousness only makes him cuter!

And Sirius is excellent in bringing people out of their shell. Remus doesn’t even need much coaxing!

He accidentally starts heavily flirting with Sirius after only a few minutes. He just doesn’t realize that’s what he’s doing. He’s only saying what’s on his mind! Sirius deserves to know that the color of his eyes looks lovelier than the summer sky!

So Sirius falls. And Remus does to. How could he not?

They fall madly in love with each other and after a few months they move in together. Then they adopt a dog. They go to every queer and human rights rally in their vicinity.

And obviously they delete the dating app. They will never need it again.

A few months in, Remus comes clean about the accidental superlike and three-day-pining over Sirius’s pictures.

Five minutes later, Sirius is still laughing.

“Did you ever wonder why my profile was still there, even after 3 days?”

“Um, no? What do you mean?”

“If I hadn’t liked you, you wouldn’t have been able to see it anymore!”

“Oh.”

[spainkitty]

okay i need the deets about your surana-lavellan i am so intrigued 👀🙏 -merrybandofmurders

@merrybandofmurderers

I'll have you know, I am OBSESSED with my Surana-Lavellan. I am OVERJOYED to tell you, every single one of my lurking followers, and the whole world all about her. 🥰🤩😍 Welcome to my Very Long Post to justify having Surana as my Lavellan!!

Okay! It starts with: I didn't put enough memory on the MS side of my Mac laptop 😅

I played DAO with my Cousland, went on to play DA2, but I went back and started my Surana file for funsies and Tabris as well. Just because I love building characters and I wanted to experience the other Origins. I fell IMMEDIATELY in love with my Surana. I played her with high Willpower, a bit of a bully and an arrogant one at that, who'd drunk the Chantry Kool-aid and was going to slowly, as she ventured out into the world, realize the Kool-aid was gross, and she and all mages deserve better. However, before I even finished the first few Main Quests (I think I did Broken Circle and Orzammar), I finished my DA2 playthru and my friend helped me set up for DAI.

This is where the lack of memory on my laptop comes in. I had to delete my Origins file to make room on my laptop for DAI. I didn't want to close down the entire partition and re-allot the memory so I just deleted everything but DAI. I was so sad and upset, I remade my Lanil Surana as Lanil Lavellan and added an entire amnesia-ridden backstory for her 🤣 Her personality and character growth was going to be along the same lines, and her appearance, of course. And then I set sail on DAI~

Basically: During Origins, someone *coughCullencough* helped her escape during Uldred’s Uprising and she couldn't get back. She barely escaped through a tunnel in the storage rooms full of giant spiders (a little bg for her DAI phobia 😉) and wandered around poisoned and pissed off with vague plans to go back home anyway when the Sabrae Clan picked her up. She ended up leaving with them instead to the Free Marches, but after everything with Uldred, didn't trust Merrill enough to stay. The blood magic and the demon on Sundermount scared her, especially since she's still a little Kool-aid drinker at heart at this time. Marethari eventually sent Lanil off to the Lavellan Clan and Lanil became a Second. Mainly because she was highly educated and a Healer with spells she could teach that they would never have heard of. Her becoming First was out of sheer moxie. She refuses to let anyone tell her she can't do something and she'd always been rather ambitious, aiming and being groomed for First Enchanter most of her life.

Along the way she does actually grow and change. She starts to care a lot more about elves and Elvhen, becomes fascinated by this history that was denied her during her Chantry-filled life, and throws herself into the culture with wide eyes. It's about more than being powerful, it's about wanting to use that power to make things better, to protect the People that have welcomed her and her magic and made her feel like she finally had a family. (Dregs of this inform who she is as an Inquisitor.)

Then, the Conclave. She's sent because she's Chantry-educated and knows the lay of the land well. She's FROM there; she has studied the geography and knows the politics. She can blend in better than any of them. When she and the Divine are blown into the Fade, though, the Nightmare doesn't just take her memories of that night and Corypheus, it took ALL of them. She had nearly nothing left and doesn't even know her own name for most of her story. She's just Lavellan, because Leliana found her belongings and the only personal information included was the Clan name: Lavellan. Dorian (I think? It might have been Sera) eventually dubs her "Lane" and she responds to it automatically. She doesn't get her memories back until after Into the Abyss, of course, which I played AFTER Wicked Eyes Wicked Hearts, and after her relationship Cullen was already pretty deep and "locked in".

I had a lot of fun with writing her and Cullen's first meeting and then after she figures out who she really is 🤣 Cullen definitely gaslit himself into thinking he's crazy for noticing how similar they looked/acted. Since she was much older, heavily scarred, and had vallaslin (and amnesia, so even her personality was affected in a way), he told himself he was being stupid, how could Surana be a Dalish elf now? She's probably dead and his one truly rebellious act was for nothing. Lavellan just looks *a lot* like her. Don't be so racist, Rutherford! Surprise! It's really her! 🤣🤣🤣 (tbf, they did only know each other for a year, and even then, it wasn't like they knew each other well)

She starts off DAI ruthless and stubborn as hell, aggressively doing the Right Thing and taking everyone along with her. She consolidated as much power as she could, and does everything possible to make the world better for mages and elves, but she's not exactly wise or clever and makes some truly upsetting mistakes. Learning to rely on others, to be vulnerable, and to care more about the small, important details rather than the Big Picture is how she grows. Although she never quite shakes her knee-jerk aggressive and stubborn-jackass personality, she does soften slightly and learn empathy. The Iron Bull's betrayal much later shakes her down to her core, and it's the main reason why she chooses to save and forgive Solas instead of kill him in the end. She doesn't want to let down and lose another close friend like she did the Iron Bull.

[healingagoddess]

Is this forever? (Run part 3)

Request(?: @the-camiluchaa​ said “Great writing! Do you think is gonna be part 3? I would love that, full of action😍“ and I miss Ajak, so of course I did!

Note: I had written this and had more action in it! I was so inspired and then it got deleted!! I don't know how it happened, but it just didn't save after I saved it! So, here's a quick chapter i came up with just right now. I felt really bad after it did not save, that i just wanted to post something tonight since I had planned to do so. T-T

Warnings: English is not my first language.

Pairing: Ajak/F!Reader

Tags: @fivemillioneyes <3

Part 1 Part 2

The ambiance upon arriving to the Peruvian Amazonia in your search for Druig was heavy. You kept close to Ajak, avoiding Ikaris as much as you could. Sersi tried to keep her distance and remain composed around him. She was doing amazing and you were so proud of her. On the other side, Kingo and Sprite had been at it for hours. You had forgotten how much Kingo liked to tease everybody, and it was getting to Sprite leaving her in a moody state. It was better to keep close to Ajak, who was looking after Thena along with Gilgamesh.

It was strange to see a village stuck in time, clearly under the influence of Druig. It didn’t take long to find him. And the awkward silence of the first two minutes in that chapel felt like an eternity. Until he spoke, and then Ajak revealed everything. He took it far better than you did, but it was going to take some time to convince him to join you.

“I’m not going to say anything other than I knew you were wrong.” Druig states directly to Ajak.

Ikaris gets up and gets on Druig’s face

“You have no idea what you are talking about.”

“You always wanted to be mother’s  favorite. Yet, it seems she has chosen someone else.” Druig nods towards you.

You close your eyes in annoyance, but say nothing to avoid upsetting Ajak some more. If only Druig knew the whole truth, if only everyone else did like Sprite and Sersi do. Ajak was still protecting Ikaris.

You disperse to cool off after Druig, Kingo, Ikaris and Ajak got into a heavy discussion that had nothing to do with Tiamut.

“Do you think he can do it?” you ask.

Both you and Ajak were sitting against a tree not far from Gil and Thena.

“I believe his power is strong enough to put Tiamut to sleep.”

“What happens if he can’t do it?”

“He will. I think he-”

A distant screech cuts her off, and you both immediately stand to your feet. You look at each other for a moment focusing all your senses on the distant sounds. Suddenly, you watch Ikaris being dragged by a deviant and your fighting mode activates as you begin to duplicate.

“Go with Thena!”

You shout before both you and Gilgamesh go to Ikaris aid.

You slam against the deviant and send it a few meters far away from all of you. You try to go again with a kick,  but the deviant senses your cosmic energy and charges back to Gilgamesh and Ikaris. You and your replicas end up colliding into thin air. You are quick to respond and charge back to help them both, but Gilgamesh intends  to take the deviant himself in a one on one match. You try to help, but soon are distracted by Ajak’s voice.

“Thena… remember who you are.”

You hear her soothing voice and turn to find her with her hands up in the air channeling cosmic energy. Similar to the lights forming on Thena’s face. You worry as you send your replicas after the deviant, and making your way back to Ajak. It is difficult to control both your main power and your focus on helping Ajak. You can feel it wavering as you get closer to her, slowly as to not scare Thena.

“Ikaris…” you say never looking away from both Ajak and Thena. “Help Gilgamesh.”

You see him debating for a moment and you start to lose patience.

“Go with Gilgamesh.”

You repeat yourself noting how Thena is struggling against her illness.

“I follow no orders from you.”

He says before getting in the middle of Ajak and Thena, finally getting her to act out and lose herself. They start fighting each other as Ikaris tries to stop Thena, and she tries to murder him. You feel your cosmic energy expand out your body as your replicas disperse into two directions: to help Gil and to help Ajak as you try to keep both Ikaris and Thena to stay alive as well. And it is chaos.

Your head feels like breaking into three different sections, and you are everywhere at once trying to make sense of every situation. You notice that at least five replicas are helping Gil, and three are taking Ajak further into the forest hiding from the spot that has now turned into a battle camp. You mediate between Ikaris and Thena. Suddenly, he hears something and takes off. Leaving you now with the death stare from Thena. And she comes at you at full speed with sword in hand. You have no time to think and your replicas come back to you as you try to keep Thena from hurting you and hurting herself. You barely make it the first time, but the second time she gets you with her sword piercing your stomach. And you feel the air leaving your body as the thrill sends a shiver all over your body. Pain and panic take over as you try to stay focused everywhere.

You prepare to die as Thena dematerializes her sword, expecting her to summon something bigger to end you. It never comes, instead she stands there blinking several times trying to remember something as she stares at something behind you. And in a matter of seconds she turns around with tears in her eyes, lights still forming in her eyes. Then, you see Gilgamesh being held by the deviant as it drains his cosmic energy. You try to rush to his aid, but stumble on your feet before a single replica takes after him. But it’s too late, and you watch as Thena kneels in front of Gil. In a matter of seconds, everything turns black.

_ ✽ _

The first thing you notice upon waking up is how humid your surroundings feel. Your senses spread to the rest of your body as cosmic energy still lingers there. Ajak is holding you, her face is stained with tears, and you can feel them on your face as well. She is not looking at you, instead, her broken gaze lies elsewhere. Sitting up the first thing you notice is a platinum shape; it is Thena. You get up immediately, as you remember the final encounter with the deviant. Thena sobs on the ground with her forehead pressed against Gil’s, and you confirm that he has in fact passed. No. He was murdered. Looking around you take notice of everyone else's presence with the exception of Druig. Your eyes search for that one eternal in the crowd, and when you find him a fire is set ablaze within your core. A new found rage fills your soul, and you march towards Ikaris before slamming him into a tree. This catches Thena’s attention.

“Y/N! Don’t!” Ajak rushes in your direction with pleading eyes.

“This is all your fault!” You yell out as you place your hands on his shoulder with a tight grip keeping him from escaping.

“I was just trying to help everyone else.” The words slide out his mouth with bitterness.

“No. You know what you did. It is your fault that that deviant got what it wanted.” Your furious eyes look into his icy cold ones. “Why don’t you tell them the truth?” You whisper the last part.

Ajak looks away as Sersi steps closer with tears forming in her eyes. Nobody else knows the truth other than Sersi and Sprite.

“Tell them… tell them how you tried to kill her!” The sound of your voice pierces through the forest like a thunder. “Tell them how you took Ajak to that lake with your big lies only to try to get her killed by the same deviants. How you planned for us… for ME to find her body there. All because she changed her mind about this mission.” You press him harder against the tree.

Nobody talks for a moment, but you notice everyone has gathered around keeping some distance from the both of you.

“Is this true?” Kingo asks.

Ikaris remains in silence giving the confirmation that Kingo needs.

“You don’t do that.” He says in all seriousness. “You don’t do that to family. Even if we don’t agree with their newfound plans or beliefs, we don’t harm our family.”

“He plans to get rid of everyone that comes between Arishem and his mission. He is just waiting for the right moment. And Gilgamesh was the first to pay for this.”

As you say the last part Thena gets up summoning her weapon. Ikaris pushes you away with force before taking flight. And you swear that for a moment you saw his beams forming in his eyes.  

“Coward!” Thena yells out after him.

“Wait! Take me with you!” Sprite says before materializing into an illusion of hundreds of bees as they both escape.

“They’ll come back.” Thena states.

“And when they do.” You reply.

“We’ll be waiting.” She finishes.

You go towards Ajak, who in the middle of the argument left to kneel beside Gilgamesh. Thena returns as well, and they both weep for him. The others remain talking about Sprite’s sudden betrayal. Your arms come to wrap around Ajak from behind as you place your head on her back offering support. She turns in your embrace and cries into your arms as you rock her gently in soothing and consoling motions. The sight is heartbreaking and as soon as Druig shows up a funeral is prepared.

_ ✽ _

Nobody sleeps that night as thousands of questions and thoughts from the events of the day swirl in their minds. Somewhere during the night, you find Ajak staring at the ceiling wide awake, unable to sleep just like you.

“Have you spoken to Arishem?” You ask softly.

Ajak turns to look at you slightly taken aback. “No.”

You keep staring at her waiting for an explanation.

“Every time he just informs me when the emergence will occur… and there is nothing else he needs from me. My deed is done… and that’s it.” She says lost in thought.

“Have we ever been like this?” You finally ask. “In our past lives?”

She looks at you for a moment choosing her words carefully. “No. This is the first time I experience this.”

For some reason you don’t feel sad about your past life knowing you didn’t have to suffer for Ajak at the end of times.

“But,” she continues “You are new to my missions.” She manages a gentle smile.

And you can see how she tries to smile through her tired eyes as well before you fully digest the new information.

“Wait… do you mean what I think you mean?”

Ajak nods. “This is the first time we met… so, it’s really nice to meet you.”

Tears cloud your eyes at the realization of how much Ajak has changed thanks to you.

“What was it like for you?”

“It was different… from all the times I had done this. Some come and go, and that’s alright. But you have a passion that is so unlike everyone else’s.”  She makes sure to stare deep into your eyes. “I told you this before; you make your own rules. And also,” she pauses to give you a flirty look. “You are the first one to look at me like this.”

You chuckle before getting closer to kiss her lips.

“Do you think this is our last night like this?” You ask her.

“No, I know it’s not. I have faith in Druig.”

“And then what will happen?”

“And then… we wait.”

“For what?”

“Arishem.”

“Do you have any idea-”

“We’ll sort this out. And we’ll warn everyone else in this whole universe.”

And you take her word seriously putting all your trust in her, so you nod once and kiss her sweetly before trying to rest.

_ ✽ _

As promised, during the emergence Ikaris and Sprite show up. You duplicate as soon as you see him, you launch at him with your replicas surrounding him and taking turns in puching him around. The look in his face when he corned Ajak in that cliff, her face at the realization of what was happening, Sersi's tears for him, Druig's and Gilgamesh's death, all of that is coming back to you. The pain he has caused you and your family is all coming out at this moment in the form of revenge.

After he takes down the domo, and Thena joins in the fight. You are sure that you will get him this time, at least the satisfaction of seeing him in this position is almost enough. You want more, and so does Thena as she goes for the last deviant. You have no idea how many times all of you have taken Ikaris down only for him to get back up and attack you. Ajak has been holding on her own very well, with Phasto's techonology you've been able to fight beside her. But the fear you feel as Ikaris goes after Sersi is huge, some part of you knows that he is incapable of hurting her. And it is confirmed when she completes the final puzzle and is able to continue with your plan; killing Tiamut with her bare hands and your power convined.

The glorious victory against them only makes the promise of being with Ajak forever more real and emotional. You embrace her as soon as Tiamut remains frozen in time. Your lips reach for each other and seal your forever with a passionate kiss in the presence of the celestial as you still feel its power connected to you. It feels like nothing but pure bliss, you have not just gained your ever after with Ajak, but you have saved this world and all its wonders. You celebrate your victory with the love of your life and your family. And soon you find yourself in another adventure with Ajak as both of you leave to explore the universe in search of others.

“Will you miss this world?” You ask before you leave the planet Earth’s atmosphere.

“No, I have everything I need here with me.” She smiles as she pulls you close.

“I feel the same way.” You grin with your eyes. “I’d follow you ‘til the end. Whenever that is.”

[imhereforscm]

Hi, i had to go anon for this request. Can you write something for a reader who just accidentally blurted out infront of Tauxolouve that she wants to k*** herself? She said that she wants to take a g** and s**** herself in the head. I am very sorry for requesting something like this. I don't have any friends and the fandom has helped me all this time. But today i just said that. I regret it. Mom was horrified and i need some comfort.

I am sorry please delete this ask. You don't need to write this.

"Fighting for"

Genre: angst/comfort

Warnings: suicidal thoughts

A/N: I wish I could hug you all so tightly, I really do.❤️❤️❤️❤️ Please, stay with us! It looks so difficult right now and so unbearable, but I promise you, it'll get better!! Us in the fandom can be your friends. We can be your family.🌹 I love you so much!❤️

"I want to kill myself! I want to take a gun and shoot myself in the head!" Your screams echoed all around the room. In every tiny hole between the bricks—tiny enough that you couldn't see them with a naked eye—your cry still lingered inside. A tragic and pained imprint of your vocal cords trapped inside.

You heard the click of the door behind you and your blood ran cold. You didn't mean for this to happen. It just... Came out...

Your boyfriend was standing in the doorway, swallowing so thickly that you saw his Adam's apple moving. His face was pale, his eyes filled with hurt and he wasn't sure if he'd ever felt his heart aching this way before.

"Lou..." You uttered with a dry mouth, your tongue growing numb. "I..." You wanted to disappear. The regret was piercing you with poisoned needles and your throat was closing in as you tried to speak further. All the thoughts of you gone from this world bursted out of your chest after being stuck in there for so long. With no one to express them to, you soon learnt to bottle everything up. And now... Now you felt exposed and your hands and legs were shaking. "I didn't mean..." But you stopped there, almost choking on your words as your eyesight blurred with the gathering tears.

Tauxolouve was terrified to hear such a thing coming from you. It immediately sent an image of a world without you in his head and his heart broke. He loved you so much, he was determined to do anything to keep you here and find a way to stick your pieces back together. "Hey..." His voice was gentle as he began to speak, not wanting to upset you further and push you over the edge. "Don't pressure yourself. Take your time and speak when you're ready." He snapped his fingers and a glass of cool water appeared in his hand. "Here."

You slowly walked to him and accepted the glass, which was cold against your hand, contrasting the temperature that had risen in your body. You brought it to your lips, your hand shaking as you did so and drank almost all of it. Your throat was refreshed, but your soul wasn't. You regretted ever opening your mouth. He shouldn't have known... He shouldn't have... He shouldn't, he shouldn't, he shouldn't, he-

"Please, sit with me." He sat down on your bed and gestured with his hand for you to come closer. "I'm not upset. And I'm not going to judge anything you wish to tell me. If you do decide to tell me..."

Silently, you complied, but didn't sit too close to him. You felt ashamed, wishing you didn't have to face him. "I just... I feel like I can't face you right now. Not after what I said. Why can't we just forget about it?"

Tauxolouve sighed, swallowing as he stared down at the floor. "I'm... Worried. You just said something so scary, I can't pretend I never heard. I'm scared of what might happen if I turn my back right now." He gently put a hand on your shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "I care about you so much."

"I know..."

"So... Please, understand that I'm not trying to force it out of you. I just want to do anything to make sure you're safe and fix what's wrong if it's within my power."

For a while, there was nothing but deafening silence filling up the space between you, before you took a deep breath and shifted on your seat, your eyes casted on his lap.

"I feel so lonely." You said, taking deep breaths in the meantime trying to keep together the broken pieces of glass you had for a heart. "I just... I can't do it...!" At this point, you were squeezing your words out, struggling to put your thoughts together. You felt pain. A great amount of pain and you wished relief from it, but you were also trapped all by yourself within a box. You buried your face in your hands and your shoulders jolted once, twice, you began to sob.

Listening to your muffled cries and witnessing your trembling form, Tauxolouve took you into his arms and you practically melted in them. His touch was warm and the caramel scent of his embrace made you feel at home. He was your home and for a second, you could feel oxygen filling up your lungs again, by the hole Tauxolouve had poked into your cold box of solitude.

"Tauxolouve..." You sobbed, gripping his shirt tightly as boiling tears streamed down your cheeks.

"I'm here... You're safe." He said in a soothing tone. "I'll never leave you. I'm going to take care of you and help you through it."

"It hurts so badly...! Everything hurts so badly!"

"I know, I know..." He stroked your hair softly as you let it all out on his shirt, your tears staining it, but he didn't mind. He'd offer you the very stars from his eyes to cry upon. "You're gonna make it and I'm gonna be there with you, every step of the way."

You cried, until your throat felt the same pain your heart did and your tears dried on your cheeks. You had quietened down by now, nuzzling against Tauxolouve as he held you close, not letting you go for a moment.

"Can I tell you something?"

You nodded, your vocal cords too exhausted to create a sound. Not that it'd sound clear anyway. Your throat was so sore.

Tauxolouve caressed your cheek with the knuckles of his fingers and rested his chin upon your head, not staring into your face and making you uncomfortable. Instead, he let you listen to his rhythmical heartbeat as he spoke and his voice created vibrations like a lullaby you'd never heard anywhere else except here. "The future is unpredictable, but one thing that's certain, is that good things will come. So hold on, please. We—me and the other gods—love you so much. You have an entire future before you. You can try new things, pick up new hobbies, see new places. These and many more are things worthy fighting for. It's difficult, I'm not pretending it's easy, but it's so worth it. Please, believe me. Listen... I really think you should consider a professional."

"I don't know about that..."

"They're not going to judge you, that's not their job. They genuinely want to help. So, I'd say you should consider seeing a professional, because these people can guide you safely." Tauxolouve's arms wrapped around you tightly and he held you close, fearing that if he let you go, you'd disappeare and he couldn't bear a thought like that, much less a reality. "I love you so much. I only want the best for you."

Your arms around him tightened just a bit, letting him know without the use of words, that you loved him back.

The road ahead would be uneven and perhaps not too short, but you'd make it. Tauxolouve would always save a spot for you beside him in life. And who knows...? Maybe you'll find a friend along the way. Maybe a therapist could help in that field too. No matter what was going to happen though. One thing was certain. You'd make it. You could. Doubtful thoughts may fill your head now, but those were just baseless rumours in the wind, fading far away into the cold and drowning in the fog.

[newhologram]

Jennette McCurdy & Drew Barrymore on Complicated Relationships with Mothers | Barrymore's Backstage "Does someone have to die in order for us to be able to tell our truths?" "I think if saying the truth ends a relationship, I think it's probably a relationship that needed to end." "How do you get over guilt and shame if they're still alive in order to tell those truths?" Love that they get into the complex feelings that come with wanting to speak our survival story and emotional truths. It's been something I go back and forth on so hard as I've been finally really speaking up about the reality of my childhood and even my young "newly"-disabled adulthood as it brought a whole new kind of abuse into my experience. For so long I was scared to really talk about it more than just vaguely because I genuinely feared for my safety if anyone ever found out I was sharing this stuff online. Sometimes I still have intense waves of anxiety and dread (and nightmares I'm being harmed) over it, and then I'll go delete a bunch of posts about the kind of abuse I've survived, and how I'm still to this day gaslit about it. Most of the time now I feel really empowered because I am absolutely allowed to talk about this stuff. I'm an adult with autonomy and the right to my reality. I do NOT need permission or approval from my family to talk about the impact my childhood or the past 10 years as the disabled scapegoat had on me. If that upsets them because it "makes them look bad", that's actually on them. No one you hurt "makes" you "look" bad when your actions and behaviors are actually what was bad. Own up to it, maybe? Do better, maybe? And stop continuing to blame me for everything. I just find it kind of pitiful now. Sorry if that's harsh, I know we all have our own pace and path. But I have no time or energy for their stuckness. They've shown me that they aren't safe to be around, and I take my safety and health very seriously. No more sacrificing. This isn't about revenge or being petty but taking back my story which allows for healing. In my case, though I've been at the trauma work for nearly 10 years, it's been some pretty rapid healing in the past 1.5 years. Like a kind of mental and emotional bootcamp. Especially since I tried to sit down with them and talk about how harmful their gaslighting and apologism is and then they immediately just took turns gaslighting me (Is anyone home? A conscience or empathy or... anything?). I'm at peace with the thought that some of these relationships may end, or are in the process of ending. If the alterative is to be forced to be part of that unhealthy system, then what am I actually losing? A fake head-in-the-sand mannequin stand-in family, full of people who won't open up, who won't do the work, who won't get help and instead wish to pretend... for what? I'm done pretending. And I'm happier than ever and finally loving life despite my many health challenges.

[sincelastsession]

Today I took video footage of children unaccompanied by adults at the pool because I heard screaming and it freaked me out and there was no parents sitting outside watching them and I know what apartment they came from so I went to the office with the evidence of all of this and shared the office and deleted everything off of my phone immediately because I don't like to take pictures or videos of children because it's fucking weird However the office had asked me to give them evidence of this.

And then on the way back to my apartment the mother of the children walked past me and called me a fat stupid bitch and threatened to kill me under her breath or something to that effect And I just kept walking without saying anything back to my apartment.

Then I got angry because I was like oh no nobody's gonna fucking threaten me when I've lived here for 5 years and they haven't even been here 6 months yet.

And I go back to the office and the woman is speaking with office people about me and doesn't even realize that I'm there.

And I didn't realize it was her until that moment because I've only seen her sitting down and with different hair.

And for her to call me a fat bitch and all of that she is twice my size quite literally And apparently pregnant.

So I'm not wanting to have any confrontation with this woman so I asked the office after she walks out if we can schedule like a sit down mediation to where we can have like a talk and I can explain that I saw 2 old men down at the pool bothering her kids when she wasn't down there the other day and actually called the courtesy officer because I was very concerned and I heard them screaming and I heard one of the old men try to talk to 1 of the young children.

And I was also gonna let her know the reason that I'm calling voice complaints is that I have PTSD and I have never had a complaint about sound in the 5 years I've lived here and that has literally nothing to do with my PTSD flare or the autism burnout. I thought about that for a long time but it's not that because I know distinctively what that feels like.

And then I got fussed at by the office staff and then I started crying and one of them told me she would walk me back to my apartment and 1 of the children in the pool started laughing and said oh she's so scared she has to have the office staff walk her back to her apartment and it was an 8-year-old child and in that moment I wanted to go unlock the pool gate And insert mean horrible intrusive thoughts here.

But I didn't say anything the office staff lady told me she heard it and I went back up to my apartment and I had a full-blown meltdown PTSD freak out almost lost such of reality my mom had to come over my sister who I haven't spoken to in 6 months and her 3 black guy friends decided that they were just going to come over and that really upset me because I was not ready to see my sister or speak to her however her guy friends looked at the situation and one of them is in the military and the other 2 are more into like punk rock and art But there are people of colors so they surveyed the situation and Quietly talked amongst themselves and then told me what was happening is these people are definitely antagonizing me and they are trashy and it is probably because they think I'm racist or something. They told me it was in my best interest to just not engage with them unless there's a mediator present.

I was gonna get a roommate and I had to tell her I'm sorry I can no longer do that my neighbor has basically threatened me and said some nasty things to me I don't think it's safe for you to move in with me.

I really really really need help finding a good camera and if I have to just have a vent session on Thursday and look at good cameras with you on my laptop and your laptop that would be great.

Because my mother is spending the night tonight sleeping in a chair because she won't sleep in a bed and I'm still wide awake and terrified that they're going to do something even with somebody staying here with me.

And I would say it's on APTSD paranoid level but not lost touch with reality level.

I have been looking at this from all therapeutic angles and I have tried all my coping skills possible and I just very much need to find a safe quiet place to move even if it's just temporary and I understand that my parents are having money issues and I would rather figure out how to financially do this even if I have to take alone because I am worried about my mental and physical health now that I have been threatened.

These are the same people that have vandalized my apartment twice.

My sister should or might be calling to schedule an appointment with me.

I tried to speak with her about what happened and her story is drastically different than mine even though I remember every single detail she was flashed out angry and she was also inebriated On something during that time.

She said she didn't put her hands-on me at all which is very hard for me to believe because I remember it.

Basically she is stoned constantly and I can't help her about that and I can't help her about her drinking or her anger issues it's just not within my circle of control.

And her recount of what happened is absolutely not what happened

And she tried to gas light me to my face that I did things that I did not do.

And I haven't forgotten it because it's a trauma in my brain that replays since it happened.

She's telling me that I put my hands-on her first but she's totally forgetting a chunk of time where she rushed me before I went to pick up the object I threw which was a goddamn candle and I tried to explain to her this evening that if it wasn't the candle it would have been something else the candle was just in my hand and I was fucking pissed off because her and my father were both screaming at me at the same time and I was completely overwhelmed And then they both attacked me after she rushed me and I tried to get the candle and everybody says I pushed her but she was the one hitting me and pushing me and I Way twice as much as her if not more than that and there is no way that I would have tried to hurt her I was trying to keep her from hurting me and move her out of the way and tell her to get off of me.

And her feelings were just so hurt because she had tried very hard to find a candle in a scent that I liked and has this weird complex that she thinks that I hate every present that she gives me and I told her before it's not her. I don't like surprises. I don't dislike anything she's giving me. I don't always have a happy excited reaction to anything people give me. My entire life people have gotten mad and confused with me because I don't get super thrilled excited when I get a gift all the time. I'm of course happy about it I just don't always show the emotions correctly that they're looking for.

But she didn't really want to talk about it anymore and I told her we could shelve it and discuss it with you if you fall it necessary

I did want to discuss with her that she doesn't realize that she couldn't really hurt me and dad hurt me and I could have had them arrested for assault but she doesn't remember assaulting me conveniently.

And honestly I would just like to figure out how to communicate with a 22-year-old sister and squash the beef and move forward because the way she works and the way she acts and hermanipulation tactics it's just not worth arguing with her because it becomes exhausting because that's what she does to get her way she just wears people out.

And I don't hate her I love her to pieces and I cried out of stress but also because I didn't think that she and her 3 friends would come over to hang out and check out the situation.

It's really hard to tell that she cares because she seems to have a lot of anger issues and I can't tell if she's telling the truth or lying because she has lying issues as well. And the thing is like she calls me a liar and yeah I do lie once in a while but it's not like constantly like she does. I mean we're both human but she has a real issue with it and she won't admit it and I can't make her so I just don't respond if I think it's bullshit. And it very much bothers her that I think that she's lying most of the time but I kind of think she did that to herself. Because she's been doing it since she was a little kid because she thought it was funny as a little candidate it's just become a habit.

She kind of just bosses around the guys she hangs out with I have 0 idea how she just has a gang of dudes and no female friends but then I thought about it and I'm like oh that's very similar to me oh my fucking God Jesus Christ freak out GIF.

Because it's like watching my myself The kind of dumber version.

Anyway I guess I can work on that and therapy at some point I don't know what you have planned for next session I am so fucking stressed out that I kind of just want a chill session honesthat maybe we can just work on something simple

I mean my mom is sound asleep and I am in my bed freaking out still because the neighbor's kids are sitting with a group of other boys playing loud ass music on their phones on the stairwell right next to my bedroom and I can't do anything about it.

I haven't told my partner every single detail of what's going on I've kind of kept it as short as possible for him because he gets overwhelmed with my stress and vice versa

I feel like I'm taking on a lot more than he is but my life has been a lot more different than his so I am not gonna really compare it 22 much

And I mean most dudes wouldn't stick around this long with me anyway at least that's how I feel and and he's been pretty supportive

I'm really hoping that maybe I can get this place on America street. It's actually kind of perfect I just don't know if the landlord is going to want to accept my ESA cats or ket me keep a foster dog for short periods because I am interested in doing that for my mental health and to make purpose in my life. I'm very very good at dog training despite liking cats and horses more.

I guess like the worst part of today like emotionally was being called a fat bitch and insulted by someone like twice my size who was pregnant who thought I was being a creep at her children but she was not outside watching her children her excuse was she was in the restroom but her chair was not outside and she was never at the fucking pool.

Also The other worst part of my day was sitting on my sofa and scream crying I want to go home while I was in my own residence.

And it was also pretty embarrassing because my apartment is executive dysfunction disaster and my sister and her friends came over and I looked like shit and I was embarrassed as fuck

And everybody seems to think that I'm being dramatic but I'm actually pretty fucking terrified right now and I'm scared to even have my mom sleeping here because what if something happens to my mother while she's here trying to be comforting to me but she's just dead ass asleep like nothing scares her but she's seen so much as an RN I guess nothing does.

And I don't know what to do when I feel like a big dumb idiot because I'm almost 38

I don't know how to handle these sorts of things.

I had to ask my sister's young friends where I should put up a camera and they were like it's just going to get knocked down by your neighbors and I'm like well at least if I get the right kind I'll see who did it on my phone.

But I don't even know what kind of git I've been looking at the ones that rotate and can go up and down that if I mount it in the right spot it will get sunlight and need less replacement of batteries and it has like a solar panel but there's like 60 different ones online and I don't know which one is the best 12 get that's not going to be horribly expensive.

And I shouldn't be getting a camera but I figure I can just bring it with me to wherever I move next but the camera is not going to make me feel any savor other than just knowing what's going on outside without having to look out the curtain.

Like we figured out where to put It where the safest spot would be if I got one but I just don't know which 1 to get and I really need help and nobody I know knows anything about cameras and I don't know who to ask and I don't want to go pay Twice as much Best Buy for something I can get on Amazon that will work the same that's cheaper and I'm so stressed out I don't even know if I can leave my house to go to Best Buy all I can prepare myself for right now is to Go to therapy on Thursday at 2 o'clock like my reminder has told me.

And get hamburger before therapy.

And right now that's pretty much my routine.

Otherwise it's bedrot and go to the Dollar General that I know the layout of and go to the Asian market does not stress me the fuck out like every other grocery store.

And I don't like this Joshua I don't like this at all.

I was not like this a year ago and I was not like I was then a year ago I am only getting worse even though people telling me I'm doing better and that doesn't make sense to me and I am confused.

I mean my mom is finally reading about autism and she gave my dad a print out about autism from the Mayo clinic and it's not exactly the most accurate thing because it's an older article but it's good enough and I'm happy that they're trying

And all I want to do right now is cry and wake up my mom and get a hug but she is going to yell at me if I do that

Like it wish I was a little kid and could just go climbing her lap because I'm just so scared dude

I'm terrified I don't want confrontation or violence or any more stress in my life because I don't know what will happen if I have a bad PTSD episode and lose touch with reality and that almost happened today because of this threatening ass crazy neighbor whose kids whose children under the age of 13 are harassing me now.

I mean literally in front of one of the office workers were like oh my God she had to have 1 of the office workers escort her back to her apartment because she's so scared

Yeah I am because I don't know what they're ratchet as rude mother is going to do to me and I didn't do anything to them

There were fucking creepy pedophile old men bothering her kids and she was nowhere around 1 day and She doesn't know that I saved her kids from to fucking creepy men.

And no they weren't 2 gay men just meeting up to hang out at the pool these where straight men they were older and they were very bizarre and acting very strange towards very young girls and I know that behavior because that shit has happened to me and I've seen it almost happen to my sister and many other young women and have had to get in between those men and other young women and I don't like it and I wish that mother would have understood and I wish I could have gotten a picture of the old man to bring to the office to tell everybody who they were so they wouldn't be around other people's kids.

And understand the other key people's kids are not my business and yes I should just let them swim in the pool and break the rules and drown but I'm not a monster and I have horrible trauma from Katrina.

I have seen children die. I have seen children bleeding injured screaming for people and I was in charge of reading them stories and giving them food and making sure they had water and I was also in charge of bringing things to other people who were being flown in from being in the flood waters for days and days. And it was horrible and I never ever wanted to deal with something like that again.

I'm so scared that I'm gonna have to go to a fucking hospital and I don't want to do that.

I'm so scared that I'm gonna have a heart attack because I've already having legitimate heart issues. And this dress is not helping a today I really thought that I was just gonna hit the floor and that was gonna be it.

And I'm tired of learning lessons and being around bad people and I just want to be in a safe spot away from all this crap.

And right now in my bank account I have enough money to hand to my parents and be like well this help me move any faster?

If I have to live on ramen noodles and ground meat and beans andspice and dollar store vegetables it was in order to move I will do that.

Also I did not eat 41 and a half days and then I ate the other night after I got stoned for my pain

And then today I didn't eat until like 10:30 PM

And it's not my eating disorder it's just pure anxiety

And I'm just scared I'm so fucking scared I do not want these people to bother me anymore.

And I don't have anybody to spend the night with me tomorrow night or the rest of the week

And I'm not gonna be able to have a roommate because it's just not safe.

And I am scared to go to bed and I know I need to.

I just feel like I'm running on nothing but a journal in an super hyper vigilant and my anxiety medicine is completely being overpowered by all of my stress and anxiety and all of that and I mean I haven't even smoked weed tonight I had planned too but I just didn't and I'm so sore and I hurt really bad in my hip and my back and it's probably because I've had all my muscles clinched up all day I'm day since I woke up

And I just don't know what the fuck to do.

I definitely want to do the testing stuff that we had planned or talked about doing like literally any of the testing stuff you want to do or you think might give you some insight on me or give me some sort of inside on my self

But honestly this Thursday all I plan to do is get my burger show app to therapy and I probably just need to cry and talk about things and just be heard that maybe get some help looking at cameras or figuring out what to do because this is bad for me and I'm so stressed out and I don't even know if you can help me with those things but I'm just asking that I don't think it hurts to ask

I just don't understand what people are so mean

I don't feel like a belonging in this world and I don't mean to suicidal away I just feel like I don't fit in anywhere