#and like i just dont want to be sad or listen to sad things anymore? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

allylikethecat · 5 months

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our timezones are NOT in alignment (booo timezones) so i ended up listening to ttpd first and THEN i read atkh!! the only thing ill say about ttpd is that but daddy i love him was a win in my books and watching the hateful swifties lose their minds over the fact that a lot of the album was ab matty was gold. ANYWAY

todays chapter omg the build up i’m so excited to see what’s next with george maybe (hopefully?) talking to matty and more tragic matty backstories!!?? i love how charli is like “u guys are so dense ofc yall would be perfect together” and omg carly being protective over matty is the best thing ever i just need to wrap him up in a blanket forever

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Hello My Dear Smoothie Anon!

Timezones really are the worst! Mixed with me not getting it together and posting the chapter during my lunch break like I said I wasn't going to do lol But alas I couldn't sleep last night and woke up late and was rushing to get to work a lot more than anticipated lol

I had a lot of very complicated feelings about the album - but you're right, I'm glad that But Daddy I Love Him was at least a middle finger to the "fans" who were so awful about Matty last year. In terms of the rest of the album, I hope he's actually doing alright like that US Weekly article said. That was like... the perfect PR move and I'm so glad that someone on his side got it together enough to make it happen.

Now on to ACTUAL important things (at least in my delusional world lol) Thank you SO MUCH for reading omg I'm so happy to hear that you enjoyed the new All the King's Horses chapter!! I love Fictional!Charli so much and was like I must find a way for her to be there again lol She just wants Fictional!George to be happy and she is fully convinced getting together with Fictional!Matty would make them BOTH very happy! Fictional!Carly is also very much looking out for Fictional!Matty- they grew up together, she knows what he went through with his mother when they were kids- and she knows a lot more about that situation with the jockey than she's sharing... Fictional!Matty keeps everyone at arms length, even her, and if fictional!George gets past those defenses she will NOT be letting him hurt Fictional!Matty.

Thank you so much for reading and for sending me this ask and just like being all around lovely? I love chatting with you here in the inbox! I hope your Friday was lovely and that you have a great weekend!

❤️Ally

#allylikethecat #ask ally #anon ask #keep it kind #fanfiction #matty fic #gatty #fanfic #all the king's horses #equestrian au #also sorry real quick on the album again because i say im not gonna get into it #but in addition to just not being wowed production wise #i think im just tired and sad of being sad?#i was SO SAD all last year #like mind crushingly sad all the time #because all kinda not great stuff was happening #and like i just dont want to be sad or listen to sad things anymore?#idk i know its not all happy but its at least still upbeat #but ive been listening to a lot of chappell roan lately and im like even the sad songs have some pizzazz so like i dont wanna curl up & cry #idk but like more important things: fic #thank you for reading!!#im glad you enjoyed the chapter!#i love this version of fictional!Matty and fictional!George so much

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bunnihearted · 1 month

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#i wish i could go to the library..#and just get cozy in a chair and read for a couple of hours #sadlyyy the past couple of years #parents have decided to make libraries (aka the ONLY quiet zone we have in society)#into their own private playgrounds #and they take their kids there so they can run around and yell and slam things and stomp and just be loud af #and it sucks :(((( it makes me so sad bc libraries are supposed to br quiet and calm #places to go to study and read and such #NOT yet another place where kids get to be noisy and ruin a quiet calm space #and librarians dontsay anything anymore... when i was a kid they always came and SHHHHHHH aggressively lol #and i cant say anything bc then im a 'child hating miserable cow who thinks kids should get beaten up'#idk the thing is yes kids should be at the library... to cultivate their interest in books...#and that should be encouraged... ofc!!!#but some weird shift in society had happend post pandemic and ppl are just stupid and weird and dumb #yes kids running around looking at books and their parents reading for them is chill #but parents allowing their kids to SCREAM and sit in a chair and so #and stomp*** and throw things.....#why is that ok?? why do ppl even think thats ok... and im not a bitter hag for saying that kids shouldnt be noisy #or play in a library.... like why tf dont u go to a playground that is created for children to play and be loud #and let them run their excess energy off. and THEN go to the library #allowingyour kids to ruin an entire library for everyone else is fucking shitty #and libraries are the only place that have ever been quiet and now theyve taken even that from us #(us = neurodivergent & noise sensitive ppl)#and idk its smth that makes me despise society even more.. bc nobody even listens when i calmly and rationally say that hey this isnt ok #bc they only hear that im a child hating bitch who wants kids to have no rights and be murdered in the streets 😐#just bc i think they should be quiet in a library........#but if i go to a playground andstart telling everyone to be fkn quiet then everyone would think im crazy right??#idk i just hate everyone bc i am noise sensitive and libraries SHOULD be quiet but now parents with their kids have ruined the only place #to go. and nobody listens bc they think that if youre noise sensitive u should just sit in your own home 24/7.#and its like crazy to me bc im not going to a store or a cafeand saying YOOOO everyone shut the fuck up im noise sensitive!!!

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penisbilt · 5 months

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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now

#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL #really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us #ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great #extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore #the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog #its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow #i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating #i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one #i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it #theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget #anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by #there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad #cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now #maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that #im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away #ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free #i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20 #i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her #but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more #maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know #because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before #i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years #i dunno. i dont know #anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process #the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months #the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time #when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move #just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend

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barkingangelbaby · 4 months

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venting so much i ran out of tags lmao

#i think im hallucinating ?????#i have my headphones on (listening to boyfeel on repeat n choppin up some paper)#and keep feeling / seeing shadows in my peripheral vision #im probably just dehydrated and having bad floaters but i dont like it :)#today has also been bad dramatically awful #life isn't serious there's no reason to feel this heavy #oop very emo thoughts incoming #life can't be meaningful or ill miss my parents too much but can't be meaningless or im living without them for nothing #im just. struggling very hard this year. idk #i had so much health bullshit going on for months that i put off going to a psych n now im so busy that it feels bad taking time off for it #and im also scared of getting on meds bc the idea of being dependent on something that i might not have access to is.. auuughhh #idk dude my adhd has been debilitating lately and i feel so stuck and sometimes i think i have ocd bc my compulsions are so fucking bad and #all my mental bullshit with my breathing has slowly been driving me wild and peaks my anxiety #and sometimes i worry abt being bipolar bc my mom's mom is and my mom's best friend told me she thought my mom might have been #bc the way my moods are so low or so high is exhausting it feels like i haven't had a “normal” day in so long #but also atp when im happy i feel manic bc idk how to healthily experience happiness anymore #idfk y'all !!!! im also very nonverbal these days #ugh and still going back n forth on telling my therapist ive been suicidal again bc i dont want him to have to report me or anything idk #a few months ago i made a joke about offing myself and he got rly serious n said he'd have to take action if im serious so im leaning no #like. i wouldnt actually kill myself. i just don't want to exist sometimes in this life #its just been very very very very very very very very very very very very very very hard lately without my parents or grandma #and even after all these years it's still heartwrenching to think about continuing to live this life without them #like. i just want to make them laugh. i just want to feel their arms around me in a warm hug. i just want to dance to their favorite songs.#i don't want to think of them and see their dead bodies anymore. i want to remember them healthy and smiling.#i would take care of them again in every lifetime but fuck dude. i just want to remember their good days instead of the end. can i please #please fucking invision them at their best. i want to remember the dad that played baseball and video games and whose laugh filled the room #i want to remember my grandma who was so sassy but kind. whose button nose crinkled when she smiled. who taught me to happily be dramatic #i don't want to remember them being frail. i want to forget the frustration i saw in their eyes. i want to forget seeing them struggle #(insert sadness about not remembering my mom at all)#just. fuck dude. my life is simple and i am safe so i shouldn't complain. but things feel so fucking hard sometimes. i feel so heartbroken

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snow-and-saltea · 7 months

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yesterday i spent 45 minutes of my life watching a video essay criticising the use of cheap shock values and crossing of taboos for a video game and i went from "he has a point even if he's explaining it in a really inflammatory way" to "oh umm... i can see how he thinks that way even if i don't agree" to "oh this guy's just straight up using people on tumblr as material for an audience to get mad at like other outdated people on the internet. nvm he's just an asshole"

#yuu rambles #it was about the coffin of andey and leyley btw - i agreed w him on the first half of the video about how it felt rather noncommittal to it #concepts and themes but i recognise its not really *trying* to be serious which means its not a reasonable #framework to judge the intention and execution of its work - an apple pie does use butter in it but just bc it does #doesnt mean you get to compare it to steak; a dish that also uses butter. this is intuitively easy to understand for me #but nonetheless it was like 3 am i had stuff to do so i just put it on my background to listen #he makes a diss at “people on tumblr” early on that i just raised my eyebrow at but shrugged it off bc its such an old joke #its lost its zinger; and im p sure its just confirmation bias from going into the tags of the thing you dont like lol if you use tumblr #normally you wouldn't come across things you dont like bc you'd have blocked them. But Anyways #then at the end he got sooo self righteous about how people on tumblr are insane and weird and showed screencaps about how twisted everyone #who likes the game are. there were some screenshots of people's post that were like “incest is bad and shouldn't be explored in media.#paragraph break‚ me who is an incest survivor and finds it helpful for working through my trauma: lol”#those types of post. but then lmfao he started going out of pocket and just mentioned the lists of other people he doesnt like which are #a screenie of a video essay about how kink is important at pride #and then some other stuff i dont remember anymore w the tumblr screenies #it was very mockingly written and said and at the end of it i felt sad i couldnt #block people on youtube lmao. like its not i dont want this guy to comment on my videos. i dont want to see his channel involuntarily #recommended to me ever again. just resorted to the most base sort of trolling behaviour he accused and judge other game devs for in his #video essay. good fucking god. the psychological projection is unreal #i dont have any strong feelings towards the game at the end of it even though i thought i would be like Eugh at first #but my bleh for any cheap gimmicks is overshadowed by my disdain for this guy's reliance on self righteous rhetoric #i discovered another new channel i really like tho after that vid!! bc i had to watch smth else to cleanse my palate lmao #they're jacob geller and freddydude! ive only seen one vid from freddydude about his essay on #detention‚ the horror game set in taiwan during the era of white terror under new cn leadership after ww2 #im personally quite jumpy so his humour and the way he edits his videos to make it silly even though its Scary #made me like it a lot!! im going through jacob geller's other vids but ive watched three specific types of terror #and the one about pinocchio which made me go :00 wow his scripts are super good!#again everything at your own discretion esp w the whole james somerton shit‚ but i enjoyed what I've seen so far #i just wanted to end this in a somewhat positive note JSHDKSJDJD the ramblings Continue...#theres a pedantic error in one of ky tags but im gonna update it when im on comp bc mobile sucks smh my head

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hecksupremechips · 5 months

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Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over

Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰

#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually #very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds #like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd #but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga #and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit #and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’#which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road #its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16!#he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control #which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’#so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way #like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health #i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to #be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident!#so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game #is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me #cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused #but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone #like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways #and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed #but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child #shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING #HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY #like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work #apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs #his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be #better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy #and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad #how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel #makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired

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tendercoretroglodyke · 9 months

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I have some kind of weird evil wizard curse on me where I feel deeply sad and uniquely horrible when my beloved bestie roommate is home but feel Normal and Emotionally Regulated when theyre out like literally what is wrong with me good GOD get that girl some therapy !!!!

#sorry trying this thing where i speak the thoughts that haunt me and build up in my head as 'unspeakable' anxieties to weaken their power #good thing no one can see this!!!#anyways i want to reinterate that i love my bestie so much and i love BEING with them #but when theyre home and we're not actively hanging out and sometimes even when we ARE i get. like this #i dont understand it #not to be all emo mcdarkness or whatever but i really feel so much more lonely when im around people than when im alone #whats up w that??#like idk is it just a matter of me being jealous that my bestie spends more time with their partner than with me?#or am i jealous bc i dont HAVE a partner like that who is always there for me and considers me their number 1 #OR am i in love with my bestie and unable to admit it to myself???#or am i just autistic and having a meltdown every time i socialize with people and realize i am not like them #and dont think i will ever have the emotional intelligence to have a healthy adult relationship like they do #and it drives me fucking crazy with grief??#vs when im alone im like. not even a person anymore and dont need to be seen i can simply exist and do puzzles and listen to podcast #????#no but fr this has been a major issue for a long time now and I'm only recently starting to uncover the patterns in my sadness #and im legitimately so scared im going to reach a point where i need to move out on my own and have more control over when i see my bestie #just to get a handle on this insane mood fluctuations that i truly dont understand #and i dont even know how i would begin to broach that topic with them #bc we have promised each other so many times we would always live together #please god let saying this all out loud make it easier to bear 🙏

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713-4th-ward-g · 2 years

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#i havent talked to any of my friends since the beginning of the year and dont think i will be #i much rather be Alone than being in there chats #i really don't think ill be talking to them anymore and its not even a reasoning behind it...#sleep seems to be my best friend now #honestly im such a mess #im turning 28 and still have nothing #so much more of me wants to just give it up #i barely can hold a job let alone energy to do anything #the best thing im good at is staying up all night listening to bleach ost or one piece ost or sad classical music #i have longed for a reason #a reason to keep going #to keep a hope #i remember when i told my family i don't bring anything to the family gathering i can never afford any gifts #and even though no one tells me anything about it i always feel bad for accepting there gifts to me #i remember one of them saying jose you do bring something your presences is enough for us #you may not know it but everyone waits to see you and you're like the life of the family gatherings #you make us all laugh and just bring a joyful presence...#that was the first time anyone ever told me that i brought joy to them just for being there #this was just last Christmas #and i still don't know how to feel of us #im thankful but sadden at the fact i can't find joy in being so lonely #craving for a connection and attachment to something real #im just grasping at straws trying to gather myself up #it all feels useless i feel way to old to have nothing to my name #them my mom and grandma treat me like ima drunk when i barely even drink....like if ima drunk then wtf is my dad #he always came home with a beer in his hand and drank some more once he got home #not one day in my life have i seen him without 4 or 5 beers ina day and yet ima drunk for getting a lil tipsy one time #and got a lil upset when my brother in law got into my person space knowing we dont get along at all #but im the bad guy and not the one who approached me with hostility ??? ill never understand them #i domt even know anything about my parents and sad thing is they dont know anything about me

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dashiellqvverty · 2 years

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idk man its harder to be like “haha petekey fun” these days knowing that the actual relationship pete was in at the time was with a fucking teenager

#like the thing is that i do still listen to fall out boy and every day i feel less comfortable about it and like #its something im working through and have been for a while #and i DID want to believe it wasnt true but like. it is.#and like i used to be deep into petekey and stuff i've read livejournal primers and shit i used to eat that up #and its not like i dont still think lyrics are probably about that or that something happened or whatever #its just that when i think about that its a Fun thought like going omgggg this lyric is about the summer of like #is something to do for fun #but its not fun anymore. and im not saying this in a 'sad that this ruins my fun :(' way im just #struggling to articulate it.#i am just sooo sick of seeing positive pete posts and petekey stuff on my dash and its been a lot today #and its like. people dont know or they think its not true and that was me. so im not like mad that people post about him #like im mad that its not more common knowledge but not PERSONALLY angry #and i guess im not helping by being someone who actively listens to fob still but i just #the least we can do is not suck his dick so much and talk about his cutesy fun little gay obsession #when he was. abusing a teenager at the time.#personal

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katyobsesses · 2 years

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#i am lonely #and i am angry at the world #i want to shout at the system and society that makes everything just feel so fucking difficult #i am furious at the situation im in and i am furious at the fact that my situation isnt even the worst #and yet i feel like this #i am so fucking lonely #and sad #and angry #and all i want to do is scream at the top of my lungs #and also a hug #or just... to see someone in person that isnt my mother #to talk to someone in person who understands me #to have someone listen to me and engage with me #i want to run away #also i want my silly little weewoo show to come back because it made me feel less lonely #and cake i really fucking want some spongey moist tasty cake #and for some fucking reason i want cabbage #like fuxking hell i just want CABBAGE. of all fucking things i am ceaving cabbage #also also i want aomeone to clean my room for me #and i want furniture so i dont feel like im living out of boxes anymore #its been 3 and a half years #its no longer fucking temporary #i want to cry (but also i want to fucking stop crying)#i want to move out but also thats terrifying #god i want so many things and i just have so much anxiety and sadness running through my veins #fuck this #katy liveblogs life #katy liveblogs life 2022

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bunnihearted · 2 months

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#yeah so the problem is that ... i fuck things up :(((#i know that i mattered to him i felt that he cared and that i was important #like honestly it's one of the few times i've ever felt it #but then comes the fucking bpd and avpd insecurity #like if i just one time perceive that oh im annoying #then i just pull back and think am i crazy why could anyone not think im annoying #even if i got reassurance multiple times i was like still .. it was still so hard for me #and like with everything i write on here it makes it seem like i dont care or dont value etc etc #also like :(( im not too fragile to hear abt problems or troubles. i make it seem like its that way #but i WANT to be here and listen to the person i care for. it's not too much for me and idk with how emotionally intense i am #idk how to show that... and im too scared of expressing positive emotions bc i fear being ridiculed by the universe #and it all gets so wrong bc he never made me feel ashamed or stupid or too much #he made me feel the opposite!!!! it was me who made it seem like i didnt care it was me who pulled back #it's so sad and frustrating bc the entire time i kept thinking to myself dont ruin this dont ruin this #be aware of the avpd symptoms and stop them pls dont ruin this #and i tried but in hindsight and with more context clues from the other perspective..#i realized that what i felt wasnt shown... :(((#so i am upset bc im not 'losing' someone (romantically) who doesnt value or care for me #it's someone who i did matter to who did care for me and want me #who i was too scared too fearful to be brave and show him and let him #god.. i hate myself so much!!!#and i do hate myself bc of this. bc it has happened before #it happened now with the most important person to me #and it will happen again #and idk.. bc my brain is also so stupid bc #NOW i know. now im not scared anymore with that person. but it's too late :c #(like i thought i shouldve given space but then i get anxious and i pull away too much and idk how to find the balance)

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angelicstalker · 1 year

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Hm

#figured out maybe i just make you uncomfortable #and annoyed #so as much as it hurts ill leave you alone #i believe you are getting tired of me #and me still being in love with you is just a burden #i dont want to lose contact #but if you dont want to talk anymore about anything then i guess you probably do want to lose it #i just wosh things were easier for you #i know you have a lot going on #i just wish you would talk to me about it #i know i cant do much other than listen im sorry but i care. i dont want you to be sad for the rest of your life #i guess thats the way it goes #i just #wish that you missed me even a fraction of what i feel #i wish it wasnt so easy for you to get over me and do your normal things #when its so fucking hard for me to get through even just a fucking day never hearing from you #but thats not yoir problem anyway #at the end of the day this will happen whether i like it or not #we will slowly stop talking to eachother despite me woshing everyday i had something worthy to tell you #you wont have any predispositions to it #and i will #but thats not your problem #i hope maybe im wrong #maybe we wont lose communication #but theres no use hoping for things just to be in denial #you arent coming back #i just need to start hammering it into my head.#mine

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i-write-sin-not-tragedy · 1 year

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#im not sure what i want anymore.#i just feel like im constantly bitter and sad and nothing makes it go away.#i dont want to keep hurting people or making people sad. I know my depression makes people around me sad #but i also just feel so. alone.#i just want someone whos willing to help and listen. someone willing and able to put me first.#i know how selfish that thought is but I've been taking care of someone else my entire life.#i haven't ever lived for me. or had someone tell me they'll help me live for me #i try to use fandom space as a 'me time' space but even thats just become a never ending cycle of people pleasing.#i cant even write what i want to bc i have panic attacks about friends getting angry at me for making things they dont like.#i know this is my own issue i need to work on but. how.#all my time and money goes into keeping my household together. the idea of me getting help or therapy is laughable #if i crumble so does everyone else #i HAVE to be okay. i have to be.#im tried of having money or gifts shoved at me whenever i say im sad. i want help. i want to be cared for.#i dont want to be bought like a whore.#vent

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nineinchnailsonchalkboard · 1 year

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#ok ok so i stand by saying the world isnt full of love and i dont have hope BUT #god damn if there is nothing on the planet i love anymore there will always be one thing that never fails #i STILL would like to yell about it from rooftops but unfortunatelyyyyyy cant #:| i love 1 thing and 1 thing only (lies. i love animals too and also like 2 other things but that's it)#THE ENDING OF THIS RECORDING JDKFJFJFHSJSK PLEASE IM SOBBING PLEASE just like that suddenly i feel a little empathy again #it's beautiful truly wow #if only paul could see how this is a GOOD thing and not like. some evil bullshit per usual #sad to say there's very few things like this that make me feel like a real human being but IT'S HEALTHY i think #please dont encourage me to shut this out #if i want to be fucking insane over literally music(!!!) let me do it and let me travel thousands of miles BECAUSE I FUCKING CAN #and because honestly? it makes me normal. when im kept from being my weird obsessive self i turn into a sadistic dickwad alright? fuck off #NO OH GOD IF THIS SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING ELSE NOOOO NO NO #this is wholesome please oh god no why did i word it like that fucking hell #tldr i heard a song and i felt emotions like empathy that i havent felt in a while. and it never fails with some artists #just feels like i cant listen to some artists or songs around others sometimes because they seem uptight and dont get it

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midwestblue · 1 year

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its just funny how my friends dont see me as a man and dont include me in any of their guy activities and actively avoid using my pronouns and treat me like im some alien all because im trans & autistic & mentally ill and then they act like they have the audacity to say theyre trans allies because theyre lgb and they dont want trans people dead. wow great allyship 10/10 incredible job guys

#.txt #one of them actively supports h*rry p//tter too #when ive already said its bad👍👍👍#I love never having any type of love in my life ever👍 I love being treated like a Thing to my friends #who use me for everything👍#I love it I love it soo much #I love when they get mad at me whenever I try talking about my feelings #but when I dont listen to them they get angry #because thats all im good for in this world. if im not useful or being used then why would they want to hang out with me #because im so terrible to be around enough. so I might as well be treated like shit #im so tired of it. I didnt want it to be this way. I just want friends. I just want people who will love me despite everything #I feel like its not too much to ask for. One fucking real friend. that cant be too much to want #Im so sad and tired. Im so alone. I dont even want to try anymore.

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lyrics-that-get-me · 2 years

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Hello friend I swore I wouldn't cry But I've been holding back so hard My heart and glands are dry

I hope this won't offend I just want to speak again Oh god, I need my friend

Hello friend When will we speak again? Let's end this whole suspense

Hello Friend - Firewoodisland

#hello friend #firewoodisland #this one just feels like a call to a long time friend #that you dont speak to anymore #i resonated it with it because #i was feeling distant from a friend #like we still talked #but not like we used to #i felt like we were acquaintances #i was feeling a lot of things those days #sad #stressed #lonely #overwhelmed #and i didn't feel like i could tell him anymore #and i listened to this song #and i almost wanted to send it to him #like hey i need u i miss u are u doing okay now? can we go back to what we were?

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