#and like it's hard to say that to people who love you because they don't want you to pretend

[gffa]

Osha's backstory episode of The Acolyte fits perfectly with a headcanon I've had forever about Force-sensitive children in the galaxy--that some children feel called to the Jedi and some do not, and that the Jedi look out for this. We see that destiny exists in the Star Wars universe, the Force calls to people to walk certain paths, but that it's still up to them to decide, you still have to make your own choices. (See: Everything about Anakin Skywalker and how the Jedi never brought that up around him, it was always about personal choice and agency. Yes, he was the Chosen One, but he had to choose his path.) From the moment we first meet her, child Osha didn't want to be a witch, she wanted to see more of the galaxy beyond Brendok, she was immediately entranced by the Jedi when they showed up during the ceremony, like a magnet pulling her to them, that she was drawing the Jedi Order symbol long before they ever got there. It wasn't just a sudden way to get out of there, she was feeling this pull towards them long before she ever even met a Jedi. She's the one who first slips out to meet Sol during the ceremony despite being told to hide, she's the one who goes over to talk to Kelnacca before the test, she's the one who fights against her entire family to say she wants this. She's the one who wants this even before she knows there will be other children like her with the Jedi. We don't see the Jedi giving Mae that same nudge, because the Jedi path wasn't meant for her, she didn't want it, and I love that both here and in The Phantom Menace, the Jedi make sure that this is what the child wants, too, that both prequels and High Republic Jedi are shown to take such care, that it's done with the parents' permission, but also getting a sense of what the Force is or isn't calling this person to do and whether they accept it. But Sol gently pushes Osha, not to tell them what they want to hear, but to tell the truth, do you want this? Do you feel like this is right for you? Just as Qui-Gon made sure Anakin knew being a Jedi was a hard choice, the Jedi want you to be sure, want you to feel called to this, because the Force exists, a mysterious destiny exists in this galaxy. It's still your choice, you have to have agency over your choices, it's not just, "What does the Force want?" but instead Sol asking, "What do you want, Osha?" The narrative is careful to point out Sol telling her about his own testing, that he knew he was different from his family, that he was scared at first, but it was clearly his choice. "But you must have the courage to say what you want." The Force called her here, the Force is something that exists within Star Wars and has a will of its own, and some people are not called to this particular path, I don't think Mae was ever meant to be a Jedi, she never wanted it, she never felt that pull. But Osha, like so many other Force-sensitive children tapping into this giant mystical energy field that has a destiny for you if you want it, they are pulled to it and the Jedi take such care with that. Some are meant to walk the Jedi path and some are not, that's something only each individual can figure out for themselves, and the Jedi do their best to honor both the Force's calling and the person's own choices. And if a child resists and pulls away, they let them go, it wasn't right, it wasn't meant for them. But when a young Force-sensitive is practically vibrating in place with how badly they clearly feel this is meant for them, that's something that exists as a thing that really does happen with the Force.

[loveemagicpeace]

🍓The Ascendant & Descendant 🍓

Aries rising with Libra Descendant- your personality is strong and energetic. Everything you do, you do with passion. You are led by Mars, and therefore you can often be quick-tempered and do things without thinking. You know how to put your needs before others. You can be selfish when it comes to your own needs. You take care of yourself by playing sports, doing various adrenaline-filled things. You are very passionate, competitive. Your energy can always be felt on the outside and you are not afraid to show your emotions and anger. You are brave and often take risks. You go into things without thinking too much about them, you just go and see how it goes.

Libra Descendant- in relationships they can be flirty, you may find it hard to stop because you can also be very picky when it comes to relationships. The right person for you is the one who can balance you, give you harmony and support. It means that you seek a partner who is brave enough to desire partnership, despite knowing how vulnerable emotional commitment can make you. It's wanting someone unafraid to love love. Your ideal partner is elegant and graceful. They accept that you need a lot of space and independence is important to you. You are an active person by nature, and you need someone who teaches you balance but also supports you in your ventures. In the relationship, it is probably you who makes the most decisions. You are a leader, and you get along the best with someone who prefers to be led.

Taurus rising with Scorpio Descendant- your personality is calm, stalin, grounded. You only give your energy to those who really deserve it. You can do many things yourself. I noticed that taurus rising people are very independent people, that they can be themselves no matter what. You invest a lot in material things. You like good food, watching TV, going to the cinema, listening to music, sleeping, lounging. You take things slowly and don't like too much change.

Scorpio Descendant- in relationships, you like privacy, you like that someone is only yours. You don't like to enter into a relationship if you see that it is not on the same level. In relationships, you can be very possessive, deep, persistent. Scorpio descendant, you naturally gravitate towards intense, transformative partnerships and may face power struggles or hidden dynamics.The descendant in Scorpio indicates that you are unconsciously attracted to people who stir up your everyday life, and who are magical in some way.They can be either be quite dramatic themselves or dramatic things happen to them/around them, but they for sure push you out of your comfort zone. If this energy is not properly integrated, your partner can turn your life upside down. Extreme situations are not uncommon when Scorpio is involved.Your partner is the most familiar with this side of you.

Gemini rising with Sagittarius Descendant- your personality is very open (you can start a conversation with anyone). Communication is part of you and you like people who are communicative and especially people who are interesting. You have a very changeable personality and you can change a lot in yourself and around you. Although you don't change your appearance that much, but when you do, it really makes a big difference. As a person who is willing to listen but prefers to talk. Sometimes you can say things that may not be appropriate because your mind is so fast that you don't even realize what you are saying. With Gemini on the Ascendant, you may lack a deep need to find answers to life’s big questions. It’s not that the concept of “truth” is not important to you, you just choose to spend your precious time on other endeavours, and may take things more at face value.  

Sagittarius Descendant-in relationships you like to explore and you like independence. You are attracted to people who are educated, intelligent, interesting. You can sometimes be a little unstable and take a new step too quickly. You might be deeply attracted to love relationships with a partner who has a background quite different from your own, either culturally or with lifestyle beliefs. These differences can stimulate and inspire you. You can be too optimistic about others. When under pressure, you can get stuck in your own little world, and you can’t find the solution without stepping back and taking a look at the bigger picture. You want a partner who is funny, fiery, likes to travel, likes different things.

Cancer rising with Capricorn Descendant- your personality is private, moody, emotional. You perceive many things through emotions, and you can also have many needs..You are very sweet , showing a willingness to extend their arms wide for a person in need. They provide a certain type of warmth that puts people at ease, even to their casual acquaintances. While they might come across as reserved, shy, or cautious when meeting new people, Cancer risings are warm and friendly once they feel comfortable. While Cancer risings can appear quiet and reserved on the surface, they are extremely motivated and driven when it comes to creating security for themselves or their loved ones. This ascendant has an inherent craving for financial safety, driving them to work diligently toward achieving their goals. They naturally tap into their intuition in terms of what move they should make next or what decision is financially sound. You are open and act as a person very open to conversation. You tend not to show your tender or shy side in front of others. But you don't really like meeting new people or going to parties.

Capricorn Descendant-in relationships you can be strict, serious, relentless and also stubborn. Many of your relationships can be based on business. You can have a business or a company with your spouse, and your spouse can be the one who helps you with this. Many times it can be a relationship based on business and benefits. A relationship seems meaningful to you if there is some benefit from it. In relationships, you can often be cold, distant, alienated, and the relationship can suffer because of this. Your career can be important to you and you like to have reputation and recognition. You like your spouse to be good for society. Capricorn suggests that you often find yourself attracted to people with strong Saturnian energy. They teach yo how to be mature, take responsibility, be patient and focus on long-term goals. marriage is also usually karmic. However, your standards are quite high, and if someone doesn���t live up to them, you know that there is no point in settling for them. You rather wait for someone who can be a good partner. Family life is important to you. As a Cancer rising, you probably want to start a family at some point in your life. They might be emotionally unavailable too. In other cases, they are unconsciously attracted to others who behave this way. It can also happen that you get married and then get divorced.

Leo Rising with Aquarius Descendant- your personality is proud, strong, determined. You know what you want and you do it. You like to have fun in your own way and usually always find your fun in yourself and in things that involve you. You like to dress well and usually also like to stand out. You like extra things. You tend to be confident. People see you as a charming person and a person who always shines in everything. You can be popular among people. Leo risings seek others who can appreciate their need for admiration and share their zest for life. Leos also have an optimistic and open outlook on friendships and social connections. They can chat with anyone and have acquaintances all over the world. They do keep a group of what they would consider close friends, and they’re loyal to those connections.

Aquarius Descendant- in relationships you can be quite free and seek independence. You don't like to depend on someone, and you especially don't like pressure. You are attracted to people who are independent, different, interesting, have many friends or someone who has a large circle of people. You like someone you can hang out with at various events and introduce to your friends. Common interests and hobbies are important to these two. When Aquarian Descendants are married or in long-term partnerships, they want to know, for no rational reason, the whereabouts and activities of their partner. You are joyful, optimistic person. People with this placement tend to radiate with warm energy that attracts other to them. You like to be in a relationship with someone whose views are similar. You prefer smart, entertaining, interesting partners. They have to surprise you and show you things from a fresh perspective. You tend to see your partner as your friend rather have very romantic feelings for them. The descendant sign Aquarius can indicate marriage with someone who is divorced.

Virgo rising with Pisces Descendant- People may perceive Virgo risings as being dedicated to maintaining a sense of calm and willing to do whatever it takes to stay organized to avoid disorder and chaos. You do everything skillfully with a fine sense of craftsmanship and precision, perfectionism, care and attention to detail. You are keenly observant and have an acute sensitivity to each and every thing in your environment; therefore, you attend to small things that others do not readily notice, the subtleties, the fine points. You fulfill your soul function through service, assisting and helping others, perhaps in a rather humble, understated, unglamorous way, and doing a job for its own sake rather than for personal recognition or glory. When out of balance, you criticize, worry, obsess about yourself and/or your health or body, and tend to magnify problems.

Pisces Descendant-suggests that you have a lot of experience with order but haven’t dealt with chaos frequently. You tend to choose partners who inspire you to transcend reality. They show you that there is more to life than what meets the eye. The descendant in Pisces suggests that your partner is often involved with spirituality, art, music, they are compassionate and selfless. They encourage you to discover your intuition. Your partner can be detached from reality and have weak boundaries. You can also see them as too emotional, sensitive, easy to hurt. You can find their behavior irrational which upsets you if you have not recognized the descendant in Pisces in yourself yet. Unconsciously being attracted to delusional people can also happen. The descendant in Pisces suggests that you show your partner how to be more efficient and grounded. It comes naturally to you to take care of others. You are there for your partner when they need practical help.

Libra Rising with Aries Descendant- your personality is kind, sympathetic, harmonious. You can quickly get along with people because they find you a friendly person. You can do much more for others than for yourself. Sometimes you can forget yourself for others. In a way, you can also sacrifice a lot for others. You like fashion and you like to dress well. You can also be very indecisive, which can also be a little annoying to others. You like peace and don't like conflict. Libra Risings were born with a naturally charming dreamer. With age, they only learn to fine-tune their allure. When it comes to the art of flirting, these seducers are very aware of how to speak to the senses. But you are usually always inclined to want a relationship or some kind a thing with someone. Also can be hard for you to find yourself.

Aries Descendant-Aries suggests that you are attracted to partners who are courageous, outgoing, enthusiastic, passionate, bold, impulsive. They swipe you off your feet their self-confidence and directness. You need a partner who can balance out you and who is a go-getter and an action taker. You are usually attracted to dynamic personalities. Your ideal partner is passionate, enthusiastic, fiery. In the long run, you get along the best with someone who is rather energetic and who doesn’t overthink just takes action. Aries in 7th house suggests that you need someone else to borrow you courage. Your partner can inspire you and teach you to be bold. They often say what is on their mind, without thinking twice if they will offend someone. They are brutally honest. Your partner can be impulsive and impatient, what takes effort to get used to for you. You can perceive your partner as selfish and egoistic sometimes. There can be a tendency to project the traits of Aries onto other people.

Scorpio Rising with Taurus Descendant- your personality is strong, intense, deep and passionate. You always fight deeply for the things you want to have and achieve. You have a stronger sexual drive, so sex in itself is important to you. You like to be familiar and you are not afraid to show your body to others. Usually, these people are very satisfied with their bodies. You are a demanding person and you only give yourself to people if you trust them, which is also one of the important things in your life. That people trust you and tell you their secrets. As a person who is more reserved and does not like to have conversations with people who do not suit you. You are an intense and passionate person, perhaps too much for some people to handle

Taurus Descendant-.You may impulsively jump into one relationship after another and eventually settle into an enduring and stable one. The descendant in Taurus indicates that you are used to crisis and drama, and you are attracted to people who promise you peace and comfort. However, you don’t trust people immediately and you are reserved. A Taurus descendant suggests that your partnerships are meant to bring peace and joy. Your ideal partner is grounded and practical, they don’t let strong emotions influence them. In your relationships, you seek stability.Your long-term relationships work out the best if your partner can be a firm ground in your life you can build on. Trust is not easy for you. You are drawn to the mysterious side of existence, and you need a partner who will help you stay realistic and practical. It takes time for you to let someone close. You need stability in a relationship, someone who you can count on and who will reciprocate your commitment. Your ideal partner is receptive to the beauty present in the world. They are usually artistic and they appreciate the finer things in life. The 7th house in Taurus indicates that your partner is a hedonist and sensual. Sexuality is an important part of your marriage.

Sagittarius Rising with Gemini Descendant- your personality is optimistic, fun, independent. You like to explore and do things that make you happy. You like intelligent people, people with whom you can share a new path and who always bring you light. You are independent and like to do things on your own. You grow again and again through new experiences. You are a humorous person who likes to joke around. You're not as open as people first think. You share knowledge with others, but when it comes to privacy, you don't share much. You can always put others in a good mood and give them motivation. Your path is always bright no matter what. You are also very kind to others.

Gemini Descendant-communication is very important in this regard. The person may have good thinking and may listen to you. Also suggests that you are attracted to people who radiate with the energy of the Twins. (and perhaps you are intimidated by them at the same time).The descendant in Gemini indicates that your ideal relationship is based on intellectual connection. You are attracted to people who are witty, smart, great conversationalists. You are usually interested in air signs in general. Mental connection is more important to you than emotions in the long run. You need a partner to point them out and show you what you need to pay attention to. You learn a lot from your relationships with others. You also teach your partner, for you, relationships that support growth are the best. People with this placement enter relationships out of curiosity. They want to explore what it means to be in a union. This can indicate more than one committed long-term relationships or marriages.

Capricorn Rising with Cancer Descendant-your personality is very strong (many times people perceive your energy just by your silence - you can say more with silence than with words). You have courage and always know what you are doing. You have no mercy for people who hurt you and once you lose respect for someone you become very rude to that person and they are like trash to you. Respect and loyalty are very important to you. If you give and invest energy in someone, then you expect the same in return. You don't like to wander if you feel that it will just be a waste of time. You always stand proud and tall and aware of your worth. You don't judge others and you are very understandable to yourself. But you have rules that people can follow. When you really love someone then there are no limits here and you would do a lot for the person. You are not interested in others and you always know how to look after yourself.

Cancer Descendant-you seek partners who can give you the nurturing and emotional security you needed as a child. The descendant in Cancer indicates that your ideal partner has high emotional intelligence, they are warm and supportive, and they give you an emotional background. In some cases, you want a partner who is a homemaker. In your relationships, you feel that you can finally show your sensitive side. You are caring and protective of your partner. The descendant in Cancer suggests that you can experience the emotional security to be vulnerable in your close relationships and marriage. Your ideal partner helps you connect with your emotional side and encourages you to listen to your intuition every now and then. Ideally, your partner looks after you and they support you. You come across as reserved and serious, and other people who have warmer energy balance you out.

Aquarius Rising with Leo Descendant- your personality is different from others, maybe sometimes you feel like you don't belong with other people or you simply do the opposite of what others do. You are rebellious and do things the way you think is right. Maybe you can seem less approachable and more distant to people. You embody an intriguing blend of open-mindedness and progressiveness, all while maintaining an unemotional composure that can sometimes come across as aloofness. You may be forward thinker with opinions, but you are fixed, rigid nature can also come across as stubborn and dogmatic, if you are not careful. U are a very independent and freedom-loving person. You appear a bit unconventional and shy, but you have amazing ideas and you are smart. However, it can be hard for you to get support from others. The need for freedom of Aquarius can be challenging when it comes to relationships-you want to be attached and detached at the same time.

Leo Descendant-in a relationship you are looking for fun, openness, playfulness. You want a relationship where you can be seen. You learn to express yourself with warmth and genuine appreciation of others. This helps you connect with others more easily, and improves your relationships as well. It is one of the most important lessons of the descendant in Leo. For a long-term relationship to work out, your partner must recognize your need for independence and respect your boundaries. They have to understand that you need a lot of space in a relationship. You are not the right partner for clingy people with your descendant in Leo and ascendant in Aquarius. Your ideal partner also has to respect your need for making things better. Aquarius is all about rebellion and revolution. You are looking at old structures from a new perspective and wonder about topics like social equality and creating better systems. If your partner doesn’t understand the way your brain works, you sooner or later feel that you have to get out of the relationship. You expect to be the one and only in their life and you are not willing to put up with anything less than being treated as a royalty. Giving each other enough relationship is key in your close-relationships. Your ideal partner is a born leader. They are courageous, fun-loving, gregarious, enjoy attention. You possess these traits as well, but it takes time for you to discover them in yourself. Many people with their descendant in Leo enjoy being in the center of attention later in life. The seventh house in Leo indicates that you love being in the public eye.

Pisces Rising with Virgo Descendant- your personality is very dreamy and spiritual. You have a lot of compassion for others and you feel many things around you in a deep way. You can be in your subconscious most of the time. You can be hard to figure out because of the mysterious energy you give off. You can feel a lot of energies around you that are difficult to describe. Pisces Risings have a light aura and carry a pocket full of magic dust in their back pocket. The world can be difficult, but Pisces Risings know that creative joy can help them rise above. These folks have lived a life that requires extensive thought, and often they face experiences that are more than meets the eye. Pisces Risings have accepted that in many ways, life is what you make it—which is why they don’t hesitate to let the good times roll.

Virgo Descendant-You need someone to give you a shape in which you can exist in the physical world. People often perceive you as idealistic, gentle, soft-hearted, and they can feel that they have to protect you.You are attracted to people who are analytical, logical, intelligent, pay attention to the details. You hold the vision and your partner makes the plan and then executes it. In your ideal relationship, you help your partner connect with their soul and intuition, and they teach you how to be more practical and be better at things like running errands, preparing healthy food, time management, organization, taking care of yourself. In the relationship, you come up with an idea and your partner plans the details. One of the things you need to watch out for is giving up yourself for your partner. Pisces is soft, compassionate, and it is prone to people-pleasing. Unless there are some placements in your chart that make you more assertive, you can give in too easily and prioritize the needs of your partner even if it doesn’t feel right. Your intuition is probably strong as a Pisces rising, make sure you listen to it.

🎸For personal readings u can sign up here: https://snipfeed.co/bekylibra 🎸

-Rebekah🪐🍓✨

[kpoptarotastrology009]

ASTROLOGY OBSERVATIONS Part-1

Lilith in the 1st house : the person has a magnetic aura to them that makes people love them or hate them or both at the same time but in any case they think about them sexually and there's no doubt about that/ dark feminine energy

Lilith in the 10th house: it's the same as Lilith in the 1st house but the only difference when it's in the 10th house that it comes with rumors and maybe some problems in term of work and coworkers so yeah

Scorpio Mars: When these people set their mind to something, nothing can stop them. They’ve got this intense, magnetic energy that pulls you in and won’t let go. Scorpio Mars folks are all about getting to the bottom of things, no matter how deep they have to dig. They’re relentless, driven, and sometimes a little intimidating. You don’t want to mess with them because they play for keeps and don’t back down easily. Their passion is unmatched, and they bring a certain raw power to everything they do.

Sun in the 10th house: so let me tell you something, a lot of people talk about Leo suns and how they like the attention, but have you ever met someone who has their sun in the 10th house?! These people want power baby , they want to be in control and all the eyes on them they like that trust me

Moon in the 12th house : that's a hard placement to have , so first these people when you ask them about their emotion and they say they don't know, believe it or not they really don't know , it's like their emotion being hidden from them, when something happens they just don't feel anything or just don't know how to feel? this is so hard , and another thing, so these people are so delusional specially when it comes to their emotion, they fantasize a lot and live in another world, they love music Sooo much more that normal people do because music just takes them to their emotional World that's filled with illusion and they do anything they want there they just feel so happy doing that

Sagittarius Venus: Love for these individuals is a grand adventure. They’re always looking for a partner who can keep up with their wild spirit and thirst for new experiences. Honesty and freedom are non-negotiables for them, and they won’t stick around if they feel trapped or lied to. They bring a lot of enthusiasm and positivity into their relationships, making everything feel like an epic journey. Being with them means lots of spontaneous trips, deep philosophical talks, and never a dull moment.

Libra Risings: These people have a charming and diplomatic aura that makes them natural peacemakers. They’re always looking for balance and harmony in their relationships and surroundings. Libra Risings are social butterflies, often surrounded by a wide circle of friends. They have a keen sense of aesthetics and are drawn to beauty in all its forms. They’re the ones you go to for advice on style, relationships, and anything else that requires a touch of elegance.

Virgo moon : okay that's another hard placement to have , just imagine the amount of overthinking here , whenever is Virgo in your chart it's will make you overthink about the term of that planet , like some sort of anxiety ? And when it's in the moon , you will overthink your emotions, you will feel everything but you just can't describe it , for example if someone blocked you without a reason that will hurt you in someway and then you will overthink it like why and how and what's the reason and you will be thinking why they did that and 100 reasons comes to your mind and you feel bad, the insecurities and anxiety come to the surface , you're stomach hurts, you can't sleep, you can't stop thinking about it and this is for some basic cases , so imagine if it was a deeper cases ... That's scary to even think about...

Cap moon /Moon- Saturn ( conjunction/ opposite/ square): oh... I'm sorry... These people really needs emotional support, you can tell me anything but these people need love ,need care and need support, they act so strong on the outside but in the inside they are really sensitive, they just need to be loved and nurtured by a person or a mother figure

Neptune in the 5th house: this makes you so creative , your imagination is unlimited

Pisces Suns: These folks are deep in their feels and vibe on a different wavelength. They can sense what others are feeling without a word being said, making them super empathetic. Sometimes they seem spaced out or lost in their own world, which is just them getting lost in their dreams and fantasies. Pisces Suns are the creative types, always imagining new possibilities and seeing the beauty in things others might miss. They're like spiritual wanderers, flowing through life with an almost mystical vibe.

[rcmclachlan]

civil twilight (buck/tommy)

For @dadvans, who is a dirty enabler whenever I start having ideas and thoughts. Del, here are your damn bucktommy wedding vows, are you happy now?? 🩷

+

With a smile, Bobby looks out at the congregation—one hundred and fifty people squeezed onto the Ceremony Deck of the 1909, including what appears to be every first responder Buck has ever met—and announces, “I’m happy to say we’ve come to the part of the ceremony that Buck and Tommy have been looking forward to the most. They’ve prepared a little something for each other to be shared for the very first time today. What they say now will sanctify this moment now and forever.”

Excitement and anticipation chase each other under Buck’s skin like dogs, and he can’t help but bounce a little on his toes, which are pinched like hell in the shoes Maddie made him buy. 

It took him almost a month to comb through the rolodex of his life—taking out cards from between color-coded dividers organized by year and studying each one to remind himself of exactly how he got to this point—to find the right words. He thought about them every second of every day. He filled his notes app to the point they made him pay for extra storage. He fought a five-alarm warehouse fire alongside almost twenty other companies and spent the entire time rearranging sentences in his head. 

There were nights he lay curled against Tommy’s back and practiced for hours against the heat of his skin—soundlessly, of course, although with the way Tommy snores after a double shift it’s not like he would’ve been heard—until he was satisfied. 

But the thought of Tommy doing the same makes Buck a little crazy. Did Tommy scribble half-baked thoughts on the back of a Pizzeria Sei receipt, or did he watch Love, Actually for the two hundredth time and take notes while Colin Firth gave a speech to a very confused town, or did he crowdsource ideas from the yahoos over at Harbor? Knowing Tommy, he just started spitballing at the horizon from a thousand feet above the city and got it on the first try.

Buck’s been vibrating in place for months thinking about this exact moment, and now that it’s finally here he’s going to explode all over all their guests before he even gets to say “I do.”

“Buck? Tommy?” Bobby’s voice is warm, like he knows exactly how much oxygen is feeding the fire in Evan’s belly. “Take each other’s hands and hold on tight.”

Before Bobby’s even finished talking, Tommy’s already stepping forward and reaching for Buck, which is good because Buck’s already reaching for him, too. Their hands come together with the ease of automatic doors in a department store, sliding to meet like they were made for nothing else. Their fingers tangle and lock, and Buck is thrilled to find neither of their palms are sweaty. Tommy’s smiling so hard his nose looks like it’s about to scrunch its way into his hairline, and Buck’s moved so close he’s practically stepping on Tommy’s feet. They meet in a very narrow middle. 

“Buck."

He closes his eyes and presses his lips together to keep the fireworks in his belly from erupting out of his mouth and incinerating the entire canopy. From where he's standing behind Buck, Eddie taps him twice on the shoulder with his fist as if to say, we were all forced to listen to you talk about this for half a year; you've got this, but also don't screw it up.

“You’re up first.”

Drawing in a trembling breath, Buck reaches deep down into the little gilded space where he’s been keeping the words safe all this time. He holds them for a moment, traces the familiar edges of them, and hopes every person on the deck right now is going to be able to hear him. He wants them to know.

Tommy squeezes his hand gently, and Buck looks at him, at the shape of his smile that Buck could draw with his eyes closed. It's suddenly so easy to open his mouth.

"My first real memory is of going with Maddie to the park down the street from our house so we could watch the sunset. I sat on a swing and stared at the sky until it got dark, and even then I couldn't tear my eyes away. Maddie said it looked like I was searching for something."

Like every other time Buck's brought up some random story from when he was a dumbass kid, Tommy's lips roll inward. The first time it happened, he thought Tommy was trying not to laugh at him and he wanted to crawl under a rock like a bug to escape the threat of being completely crushed. But then Tommy admitted to being so charmed by Buck's story that he had to hide the sheer goofiness of his smile so Buck didn't think he was a total psycho. It's true. When Tommy lets that particular brand of smile out, he looks like a serial killer, so whenever Buck sees the inward lip roll, he knows he's one spate of cute aggression away from being turned into a human coat rack. It's awesome.

"It wasn't until I started writing this and looked back on my life that I realized how often I did it. No matter where I was, who I was with, or what I was doing, I'd end the day with my eyes on the sky. It sort of felt like something was going to come swooping out of the clouds just for me and I didn't want to miss it when it did. I didn't really think about it until after the first time I met you, because I didn't have a chance to look at the sky that night—you took me straight there instead. I haven't come back down since."

The tail end of the sentence grows soft and tight, and his eyes grow wet and hot. Which isn't a surprise. He hasn't made it through a single practice run of this part without his taps going on. He clears his throat and squeezes Tommy's hands tightly, reassured by the strength of them, in the firmness of the grip. 

Mortified and elated, he blinks so the tears fall. Tommy sucks in a breath, then distangles his left hand from Evan's right so he can reach up to thumb them away.

"Turns out Maddie was right," he says, smiling wide and pressing into the touch. "I didn't know it, but all that time I was searching for you."

Tommy presses his lips together, but it isn't to hide a smile—it's to hide the way his mouth is trembling and he's doing a shit job of it. Buck chokes a little on a wet laugh. His chest feels sweetly sore, like a pressing on a bruise.

"That was beautiful," Bobby says. He's looking at Buck in the way that always makes him wonder at just how incredible his life would've been if he'd been Buck's dad from the get go. Which is probably a mean thing to do right now, considering his actual father is sitting in the second row, but if Bobby weren't officiating the ceremony he'd be sitting in the first, and that really says everything. 

Beaming, Bobby turns to Tommy and inclines his head. "Your turn, Tommy."

Anticipation sings in Buck's chest, and when Tommy meets his gaze, his eyes bright and clear like an autumn sky over the San Bernardino mountains, it lights the fuse on a whole new batch of fireworks under his skin. He inhales shakily and gives him what he hopes is an encouraging smile.

Tommy's expression evens out, but sweetness still lurks at the corner of his mouth.

"Evan."

Buck's eyes flutter a little. It's amazing to think he used to hate the sound of that name. When Tommy says it, it feels like sunlight.

"I spent most of my life afraid," Tommy begins. His voice is steady. "I grew up thinking I was made wrong, and I cut off pieces of myself to try and fit in where I thought I was supposed to belong. I tried finding peace in the sky, but all that emptiness did was remind me of how alone I was."

Heart pounding, Buck squeezes Tommy's hands so tightly he thinks they might meld together. 

"You know, I owe the 118 a lot. They helped me become a better teammate, a better friend… a better person. But there's no way I can ever repay them for how they changed me by bringing you into my life."

After all the time he spent thinking about Tommy simply writing his vows, it somehow never registered that he would actually have to say them out loud. In front of all their family and friends. That he'd be cracking open his chest and showing what's inside to the whole world as proof of his devotion. That he'd willingly do it for Buck simply because he loves him and wants to love him for the rest of their lives.

"Evan, from the moment I met you, you've shown me what it is to be brave. You've taught me how there's courage in loving with your whole heart and living your entire truth."

There is no way in hell he's going to be able to stand here and listen to this without gnawing on the deck railing or launching himself at Tommy to put his mouth on his bare skin. How do people do this without being charged with a misdemeanor?

"You found the pieces of me I thought were gone forever and put them back together differently. Better. You helped me make someone who isn't afraid of anything. I know we tease you about going The Full Buck, but because of you, because I know you're next to me ready to face anything that comes—" His voice breaks. "—I'm brave enough to go The Full Tommy."

Buck can barely see him through the tears that won't stop welling and falling, and if they were anywhere else, he'd wrap himself around Tommy like a snake and squeeze him until the storm passed, but because he's bound by dumb things like decorum and obscenity laws, Buck can only keep hold of his hands and try to transfer every ounce of love and comfort in his body to Tommy's by way of their tangled fingers. 

Then, suddenly, a shit-eating grin splits the gentle and earnest expression on Tommy's face, and he feels a bit like a bird right before it's sucked into a jet engine. Warning bells go off in the back of Buck's mind. 

"Evan," Tommy says, with the gravity of someone about to drop an atomic bomb, "you are the best ally I could've ever asked for."

The ugly, snotty laugh that punches its way out of Buck would earn him the respect of even the grubbiest of Jee-Yun's daycare friends, and he finally throws decorum out the window so he can step forward and bury his face in Tommy's shoulder. Between his tears and the spit he's horking from laughter, the suit fabric is definitely ruined.

"I love you so much," he wheezes. "I'd maim a thousand best friends for you."

He can't see Eddie's face, but he knows exactly what it's doing and it only makes him laugh harder. Tommy presses one of his high, incredulous laughs into Buck's hair, followed by a firm kiss to the crown of his head. 

"What do you say?" Tommy pulls back a little, but he looks so proud of himself. He looks proud. "Should we finish getting married or what?"

Buck sticks the tip of his tongue between his teeth teasingly. "Or what?" 

"Or I go home and order pizza," Chim pipes up from the front row to a smattering of laughter. On his left, Hen drops her face into her hands, but her shoulders are shaking. On his right, Maddie smacks him on the arm like she's mortified, but she's grinning too hard to really sell it. It looks like she's crying just as hard as Buck is. 

"All right, all right," Bobby says, ever the voice of calm and reason, but he's very clearly fighting laughter, too. "Why don't we finish this up?"

"You ever get tired of herding cats, Cap?" Eddie asks, a grin in his voice. 

"Never," Bobby says. He lifts his brows pointedly at Buck. "Are you ready?"

Buck turns back to Tommy, and in the curve of his smile he sees the same glowing possibility that he's seen in ten thousand different sunsets, and his entire body clenches with the exhilarating and terrifying feeling of something's coming for me and I can't miss it. 

Heart pounding, he grins and holds his hands out again. They're immediately enfolded into Tommy's, like there was never a question about where they should go. 

He glances up through the canopy to glimpse the pockmarks of blue between the trees, but there's nothing coming for him. When he looks back down and meets Tommy's gaze, that hungry anticipation settles into warm fullness. He can call off the search; it's finally here. 

Buck smiles wide enough to encompass the sky. "I've been ready, Cap. Let's do this."

Now on AO3

[nattblacklupin]

Ice and fire

Pairing: Hockey player! Eris x Rhys sister! Reader

Warnings: possessive Eris, teeth rooting fluff, suggestive (smut scene but not detailed)

Summary: headcanons about hockey player! Eris

Masterlist ● hockey player! Azriel / Cassian

Eris is the capitan of the autumn fire hockey team. A lot of people say he got that position only because of his father, who is the owner of the team, but you know how hard he worked for it.

Let's be honest his teammates don't dare not to give everything out every single match. Eris worked hard for this team. They have to do so, too. It happened many times that he got someone kicked out of the team if they didn't play with all their might how he wanted.

On ice, Eris is fast, not as fast as Azriel, but still pretty fast. He's the player that isn't noticeable when he doesn't want to. If you think that the left side is safe and there is no one from their team, bum Eris is there in a second scoring goal.

He, as a capitan, of course knows his way with words. So just imagine the dirty talk he has going on. Not just once, he made you come undone only with his words.

"Yeah, such a good girl." His words make you feel fire in your veins and make you go faster. "You know how to make me feel, do you?" You moan, putting hands on his chest to steady yourself. Eris, grip on your hips, thigest making burise in the shape of them.

"Answer me, pretty girl." His hand leaves your hips and caresses your cheek. "Y-yes, I do." his smile goes bigger at the state you are in. Fully at his mercy with no way to run.

"My good girl"

Let's be honest. You didn't like him at first, like at all. Autumn fire was the rival team of Velaris dreams. No one really knows when it began, but it's there. (Velaris dreams dislike any team, expect sunlight team). The rivality sometimes projects even to real life.

Many times did Eris and Rhys glare at each other even when just passing by. You, as a sister of Rhysand, of course, were on the side of your brother.

So it was a surprise when you once (not just once) woke up naked in bed with Eris. Both of you hungover, but remembering every detail of your night together.

You slowly wake up, lazily looking over the room. Your mind is still cloudy by the amount of alcohol you had, not really realising what happened and where you are. "Good morning, princess." Looking to the side, you see man who kept you company for the night. Your mind shutting off even more seeing your brother's enemy "What? You weren't that quiet a few hours ago. " You quickly stood up and wrapped blanket around yourself. "No no, this shouldn't have happened"

"But it did, and I must say I enjoyed it." He smirked at you.

Looking at the memory now, you smile and thank your past self for getting black out drunk and sleeping with your brothers enemy. Cause that's when it all started.

The sneaking around, sneaky glances over the room. You lived in your own forbidden love book. Except the fact that at that time you two were just enemies with benefist.

Still fighting over anything and everything, comparing each other teams, laughing when the other one losses. It wouldn't be it without you two bickering all the time.

Just now, as a bonus, you were sleeping together.

Sometimes Eris wasn't that sneaky about your little agreement at all. He was a possessive man, and he wasn't scared to show it.

Many times, he has beaten some guy on ice just cause he was flirting with you. His girl

Velaris dreams vs Autumn fire

The match of a season, everyone wants to watch it live. Rivality both of fans and players making atmosphere that could only be made with them. Even people who don't watch hockey had to be there. Of course you were there too. Sitting at the family seates closest to the ice, smiling and waving at your brother and his teammates. One of them was particularly friendly, winking at you and even being bold enough to say he will score a goal just for you. Not that he wasn't attractive, but you were more into red-haired guys with big ego. Speaking of which, you can feel his eyes burning hole into your head. You turned to face the side of the ice he was on and smirked at him. Plan forming in your head.

You kept slightly flirting with that guy, not stopping even when Eris team scored. That game kept going till Eris pointed at you and pushed that guy. You couldn't help yourself but be slightly worried about Eris, you knew that he could take care of himself in a fight, he didn't get in those that often as a Cassian, but he still did and he won every one of them.

Yet that slight flutter of your heart when that guy managed to land a punch of him still found a way to you. You didn't even realise that you stood up till the fight came to the end, and Eris, with a winning grin, came to the glass that was separating you two and winked at you. Your heart jumped once more, but now in excitement and....love?

Maybe, but just maybe you felt more than hate towards him.

Since then, everyone knew who you belonged to, and mostly who Eris belonged to.

Let's just say his girl fans don't like you that much. Jealousy glares are being sent your way every time he even just looks at you.

Not that you or him care about it that much.

You became the power couple of hockey. Fans of autumn strongly believed that it was you who helped Eris and the team get back to the top.

But not just fans of autumn loved you two together. Everyone found cute how you two spend all the time together. In every photo taken of Eris, was you on his arm smiling at the photographer.

Eris loves to show you off. His hand on your lower back keeps you close to him and calms you down in crowded places he often gets as a hockey superstar.

You accompany him to every one of his important events. Eris telling everyone he won't show up if you can't come with him.

He is like a puppy in your presence, his mask completely crumbling with only your Eris left.

He gets so clingy every time there are just two of you. You can't even go to the toilet in the night without having a tall shadow following you. Don't forget about his hounds. They all are waiting for you behind Eris.

The clock read three am. You need to use the toilet, increasing every minute you're stuck with Eris arms wrapped around you and his legs tangled with yours. After five minutes of uncomfortable tossing around, trying to fall asleep and forget about your need. You give up and turn to Eris.

Running your fingers through his hair and lightly caressing his face. With a light kiss to his forehead, you try to wake him up.

"Er, let me go, please?" Eris opens one of his eyes, looking at you with a sleepy look on his face. "No, sleep." He wrapped his arms around you more thighly and turned around with you.

"Eris, let me go now, or I will literally piss myself," you whisper scream at him. "didn't know you were into that type of things love." You hit him in the chest while he just chuckled at let you go. Quickly standing up, you didn't realise you let the dogs in last night. All of them awake and looking at you. "Don't you dare follow me, Er you make sure of it." He just sent you thumps up from the bed.

After being done with everything, you opened the door with a loud scream. You quickly close to the door, holding your chest where the heart is, breathing deeply. Soon enough, there is a loud laugh and barking being heard. "Don't tell me we scared you that much"

Opening the door again you saw Eris standing in the middle with the biggest gring possible, all dogs sitting all around him wagging their tails. "Don't you dare to do it again, Eris. I'm being dead serious."

He wrapped his hand around your waist, still laughing to himself. "Of course you are." You couldn't help yourself, but smile too. Love shining in both of your eyes. He put his hand on your cheek kissing you deeply.

"I love you, dear"

[thegoldencontracts]

Twst Characters and a tsundere reader just sends me for some reason. You're brash and standoffish, and you can't admit to feelings of sentiment. But guess what? You're in good company. Most Night Raven students are like that!

Imagine you and Jack, both completely in denial about your feelings for each other. You're both gruff, standoffish, and also completely painful to watch for those around you. Leona is torn between being amused at how blatantly Jack's tale wags when he sees you and being annoyed at your mutual denial.

Or you with Ace, who's constantly teasing you, because You're just so easy to get a rise out of. He laughs at you for being embarrassed about your feelings, only to turn bright red when you ask him if he loves you - N-Not that you're asking because you like him, or anything!

I bet some of them would be hypocrites about it, too.

Azul laughs, giving you his typical spiel, along with a small, smarmy remark about how illogical it is to act the way you do. Who's this incapable of admitting their feelings? Why would one turn cold so childishly instead of being honest?

Soon after, he makes a point to very firmly state that he and the twins are nothing but business partners, and also that he doesn't like you or anything foolishly sentimental like that.

Leona, too, I think. He complains about how weird it is that you're so embarrassed about the simplest of things, only to get embarrassed about the- exact same things! He tells you it's dumb to not admit you're doing something to help someone, then proceeds to 'accidentally' leave Ruggie donuts from that store that popped up a few days ago.

Of course, there's also people who aren't like you. Who don't get it, but are still respectful.

Kalim definitely falls into that camp. It's honestly hilarious when the two of you interact. You're trying so hard to be in denial, and yet, Kalim just remains kind and unbothered, even as you're falling over yourself to explain how you totally don't like him or anything dumb like that, okay? He always seems to accidentally say the most flustering things, too.

Silver is a bit confused by your behavior. Why exactly are you so embarrassed to share your true feelings with others? It's odd, but he understands. He knows what it's like to be shunned for odd behavior, and you're rather fun to talk to.

[pretty-little-mind33]

NON-MAGIC AU JAMES POTTER AND A FEM!READER WHO IS NERVOUS ABOUT THE GYM

Ask: hi hon! i saw your request were open and i was wondering if you could write about james with a reader who has a hard time with going to the gym and he's super patient with her and kinda helps her develop a healthy relationship with the gym? i totally understand if you don’t want to!! have a wonderful day hon and stay safe and hydrated 💐

~ this was such an adorable idea that i wanted to write something even if only in headcanon form! i hope you don't mind, lovie! thank you sm for requesting 🫶 ~

• James is so very strong! He's an athletic, muscular guy. ARMS FOR DAYS! He doesn't have any problems going to the gym. On the contrary, he loves the gym. It's his happy place and he's also made loads of friends there!

• (he makes friends wherever he goes.)

• It isn't until you're maybe 3-4 months into dating that James brings up the dreaded question; "You wanna to go to the gym with me?"

• The first three times he asks, your excuses work on him. "I'm not feeling super well!" - "I have plans with some friends, I'm sorry!" and even, "I'm on my period!" your understanding boyfriend doesn't bat an eye!

• However, James quickly picks up on some very obvious signs that the gym makes you uncomfortable because you'll avoid the topic entirely and become all shifty.

• Naturally, this prompts your mature (usually 😙) boyfriend to plop you down on his bed and have a conversation. When you open up about your insecurities, James listens patiently.

• "Love, why didn't you tell me you were feeling nervous and unsure? I'd never look down on you because you don't feel comfortable with something as trivial as the gym," James says and leans in to kiss your nose, his hand rubbing soothing circles over your thigh.

• "Really?" you ask, your tone small and he nods.

• "Really," he assures you.

• A few weeks later James had forgotten his water bottle at home, so being the good girlfriend you are, you bring it to him. When you see the gym James uses and realize it's very calm and everyone seems friendly, you gather the courage to ask James if you can accompany him next time.

• He's overjoyed! "Of course we can go, darling, I'll be with you the entire time! Okay?"

• When you go, you're still nervous and James can tell. He can always tell. He holds your hand, tightens your ponytail/pushes hair behind your ear (depending on hair length), and then kisses you.

• "I'm right here with you, darling. I'll show you how all the machine's work and be with you the entire time, okay? You don't need to be shy or nervous around me, I promise!" his words are calming and you feel better.

• You go try the machines that interest you and James helps you understand them by showing you. He's sooo patient with you, watching you with kind eyes as you try them out.

• "Don't forget to drink, lovely," he says, handing you your water bottle.

• If you run into any of his gym friends, you realize he's been gushing on and on about you. His friends all LOVE you instantly. Now you have even more people to help/watch over you which makes you feel safe!

• When you finish up, you're shy. "James?"

• "Yes, baby?" he says, walking back to the car with your gym bag (which he'd carefully prepared for you) and his slung over his arm. He wanted you to have your own so you could feel independent. He's considerate like that 😏

• "I might wanna go again. Make this a weekly thing? Once a week I could come with you?"

• James takes your hand and stop you from walking. He kisses both of your hands and looks into your hands. "I'd love to make this a weekly thing. Well take it slow, no need to rush, and soon I promise you'll feel better about the gym. I'm so proud of you!"

• HE ENDLESSLY PRAISES YOU AND REMINDS YOU HOW MUCH HE LOVES YOU AND HOW WELL YOU DID!

• James just loves sharing the things he loves with the people he loves, so your newfound interest in the gym makes him so happy!

• It doesn't take long for you to also like the gym, especially because James is there.

• He's not always hovering over you once you're used to the machines and the atmosphere. But he's always close! All you need is to look around and you see him somewhere!

• He also packs an extra shirt in his gym bag for you in case you become insecure (he doesn't tell you because he doesn't want to promote the feeling, just ease it if it happens 😊)

[goquokka00]

The Little Things (Seungmin Ver.)

The small things he does every day that make you feel oh, so special.

Bangchan | Minho | Changbin | Hyunjin Jisung | Felix | Seungmin | Jeongin

| Gets You Coffee |

I feel like this is kind of a given, considering the fact that Seungmin is a fanatic of coffee. Every single morning before he leaves for work, he will always stop by a cafe that he knows serves quality coffee and will get you your absolute favorite coffee before bringing it back to you. Seungmin would 100% play it off, saying some bullshit like, "Well, you're cranky without coffee" or some shit like that. But we all know he did it because he loves you.

If you're not a coffee drinker (Seungmin will probably judge you harshly and then just poke fun at you for it), he will still get you something from the cafe. If you like tea, he'll bring you tea while calling it "leaf juice", and if you want a smoothie, he'll bring you a smoothie with the fruits he knows you'll like.

Now, let's say Seungmin is gone on tour with the guys, or is on a business trip. That's not gonna stop this mofo. He's absolutely devoted to getting you your drink, and so while he's away, he will order your drink through a delivery service, and will always attach a sweet note to your drink in his own...Seungmin-like way.

| Playful Fights/Threats |

Alright, alright, alright. We're all probably extremely aware that Seungmin is always kind of playfully roasting and being sarcastic with his members. It's his way of showing love. And that's exactly why he does this with you, too. Y'know, like how some people do with friends when they're being stupid.

Usually, you both do it to each other when either of you are being stupid. Name calling definitely happens, as well as goofy little insults that make both of you laugh. Neither of you ever take it to heart, ever. And if Seungmin thinks he did take it too far, he'll always make sure to double check and make sure that you didn't take anything he said to the heart. Which you never do.

I also think that if you both say something that is more on the embarrassing side, or makes you flustered, the playful threats come into play. Things like "I'll slap you SO hard!", or, "I will actually beat you so badly if you don't stop right now." But both of you know that neither of you would hurt each other. You love each other too much.

| Sings to You |

We all know that Seungmin has the voice of an angel. And I seriously think that there would be times where he'd just randomly start singing to you. Sometimes it's just to annoy you. But other times, he'll ask you if you've ever heard a song, and you'll say no on purpose just so you can hear him sing it for you.

I also firmly believe that if you were panicking or were just crying because something bad happened, Seungmin would sing to you in order to calm you down. His voice wouldn't be loud, he would quietly hum or sing a song that he knows you love. And while he sang, he'd run his hands through your hair, just giving you gentle touches to give you comfort.

Other times, you ask for him to sing to you. And who is he to deny you something when he can so easily provide it? I feel like he'd call you a big baby for wanting him to sing to you, but then sing and sing until you're satisfied or until you're fast asleep in his arms.

| Asks You About Your Day |

Alright, I know what you're thinking. "Alex, sweetie, you seem like you're running out of ideas because all of the guys would do this for you." Yeah, you'd be right. However, I feel like Seungmin is a bit different in his methods besides his other members.

I think Seungmin wouldn't let you off the hook when you just say that your day was "good" or "okay". He would push and push and push, trying to get you to fill him in on every detail. Why? Because he loves hearing about how your day went, and wants to hear what he missed out on in your life.

Will he ever admit it? Ha! No. But we all know that in his heart, he loves hearing about your day. And while you might get seriously annoyed with him for it, its a great way to get a conversation happening. And if you had a bad day and need to go on a rant? Go for it, Seungmin's here for all the gossip and tea from your job or day.

| Lays on You |

No, I don't mean that he'll lay his head on your chest and cuddle up close. Well, he does that, don't get me wrong. Especially when he's had a rough day. But what I mean by this is that Mr. Kim Seungmin will find you laying down on the bed, or the floor (because to me floors can lowkey be really comfortable), or even the couch, and will just lay on top of you, making sure you're squished under his weight while laughing.

This man will do this whenever he feels like annoying you, because why not? Annoying you is fun, and he finds joy in your complaints and whines for him to get off before you suffocate. Will he find any offense in your words? Of course not.

I also think that he'd do this if he wants you to get up and do something with him. Like, if you're being lazy and Seungmin wants to go out for lunch or go on a date or something and you're refusing him? Boom. He's laying right on top of you, and the only way this man is getting up is if you get up with him. It's just the way it's gonna be.

Hey! Firstly, thank you so much for reading this post, and I really hope you enjoyed! If you did, please like, reblog, or comment so I can see how I'm doing with writing and getting feedback! I hope you have a lovely day! Sleep well, stay in good health, and eat something if you haven't! ❤️❤️❤️

[usernamesuggestionsarefunny]

No Penelope hater will ever convince me that lying about being a petty gossip writer who writes things people don't like is even anywhere remotely near a quarter of a quarter (of a quarter of a quarter, and I mean it) of the EVIL trying to commit paternity fraud is.

I can't count how many times I have read Marina defenders and Penelope haters saying shit like: "Fans of Penelope love criticizing Marina for lying to Colin, but Penelope also lied to him about Lady Whistledown haha gotcha I am so smart."

You people truly don't understand, perhaps because most of tumblr is women so you would never ever be in that position, but that shit HURTS fathers and children.

Imagine having your baby switched at birth and later discovering it, and finding out that the child you raised and love isn't yours, but that is not even counting the "betrayal by someone you thought loved you and had your happiness and best interests at heart" aspect. Imagine BEING that child, and loosing your father figure if your father happens to react badly to the trauma of that betrayal, by shutting off or growing distant.

It is foul, it is a despicable violation of trust. It IS taking advantage of someone and it is NOT the same as being a mean gossip idgaf what you think.

"But it was other times, women in society, she had little choice and blah blah." Context has never stopped fandoms from bashing characters IF they TRULY consider their actions despicable. Daphne's lack of modern sex ed knowledge and the power imbalance between her and Simon hasn't stopped the fandom from hating her for what she did to him, rightfully so.

And Marina did have choices, granted none nearly as selfishly appealing as taking advantage of someone else not at fault for your situation to make the best for yourself, granted perhaps I would have been as foul, cynical, cowardly, and lacking of empathy as her if pushed hard enough by the circumstances, but she did have choices, and just because I see myself taking the easy road doesn't mean that path is any less evil. Bad things you see yourself doing are still bad folks, evil is no less evil because it is relatable.

The only reason Marina isn't hated as much is that the fandom simply doesn't think paternal fraud is that much of a big deal and that many see themselves doing the same thing, to which I can only say... don't your freaking assholes lmao.

Btw genuine question, in case I am wrong and the fandom DOES bash Marina, where are they? Where the hell are those Marina haters people keep complaining about? Where is the bashing I keep hearing about? Whenever I search for stuff analysing that time Penelope saved Colin's ass (Which is what she did and is rarely framed s such, bite me), all I see is people excusing and shamelessly trivializing Marina's actions by comparing them to being a freaking gossip writer of all things. Where are her haters? Where are my people so I can follow them?!

[mschievousx]

now and then | b.b.

pairing: benedict bridgerton x ofc

summary: loraine silva always knew she was not normal. she loves unusual things. she loves her father's guns, horses, boxing, climbing a tree, falling from a tree, engineering, astronomy... oh, and a man eleven years older.

series masterlist

xii. twelve: let it go

benedict bridgerton has not left his room for days now. he laid down with his agony, curled on his sheets. his pillow wet in the tears that served as witness of this torment.

most people grieve for those who don't know what they have until it is gone. but, what about those who do know? those who tried their hardest to hold on, yet could only look on helplessly while they lost the thing they loved the most. isn't it so much worse for them?

how many sleepless nights now, he does not know. when they were together, he avoided sleep so he could have more time with her. and now that she is gone, he wishes to sleep more so he might know fewer hours of her absence, and perhaps, spend longer in dreams with her.

it took him days to even talk, forgetting his own voice as he got so familiar with his cries. he wanted to be happy but found it painfully hard as her love was his happiness.

yet, what if love is not here to make us happy? perhaps, it exists to show us how much we can endure.

but benedict did not want to endure anymore.

for the first time in a long while, he was terrified. oh, how terrifying to face the future without the one you planned it with. how can you wake up from a nightmare if you are not asleep?

someone knocked on his door, one that he has recognised as anthony's knuckles by the firmness of the sound. he did not want to stay on his bed forever, so he desperately pushed himself out, trying to see what has been of the others. he neared to open the door slightly ajar before sitting down on a couch defeatedly, his brother surprised by the turning of the knob.

he stepped in, noting the desolateness of the room. he wanted to be there for him, but losing a loved one you were never able to fully love was a different kind of pain—one that anthony was not familiar with at all.

so, he did the only task he was left with. he walked to him, giving the pad he has been holding unto to his younger brother.

"her journal," he maintained his voice in a serene one, seemingly afraid that anything higher would trigger something from the other.

benedict turned to him at that with shock. he did not know she writes. he often thought the girl preferred saying her thought out loud than put it to paper. he opened it, reading from entry to entry, word by word.

a small snicker left his lips when the most he could read about was how the young little silva had fun infuriating him. it was clear on her handwriting—the curve of the letters, the stretch of its end. she was full of excitement when she was writing this. it was written in her point of view. he turned the twelfth page over, only to find that no entry follows anymore.

"why did she stopped writing when she was eight?" he turned to the older, eyes still with traces of redness. it was around the time armand had snitched his daughter to benedict, saying that the girl likes him.

"she said there was no longer a need to write what she felt because she can say it to you directly." anthony offered him a small smile, leaning down to turn the pages to the last, "she wrote on the day she left for the parliament."

the viscount watched as his brother traced each word with his fingers, afraid that it would be lost before he even realises it. noticeably, this one is written in the way her words talked to him directly. anthony placed a hand on his shoulder before stepping back again.

"i guess she knew she could no longer say it to you again."

my artsy,

i think i have loved you since i met you. i just mistook it for curiosity.

there are so many forms of love, and although it may have begun unromantically, i knew you were someone special to me. i would like to apologize—for coming into your life just to break your heart to pieces and leave you in the night.

i really would have loved to be able to attend the astronomical convention with you. we spent a night talking about it. if i knew i will not even get to go, i would have rathered spent the time with my lips in yours.

and so, if regrettably, the gods had it planned that this life of mine will never be enough to show you all my love, i promise—i will find you in another. and hopefully then, i still wouldn't run out of love and continue to pester you on to the next, and next, and for eternity.

because my love, we were never a match made in heaven. i am afraid afraid we are made in both far ends of the farthest cosmos.

and i will search every star, every galaxy, every universe, and every timeline until i find you.

know that i love you, down to my last word.

until we meet again,

forever your loraine

he pushed the pad farther from his eyes, afraid that the ink would smudge and her words can no longer be read. he held his head down, anthony going to his side at once and offered an arm at him.

benedict leaned weakly to him. he had told her before, and now it became his reality. the young lady was a fire—his fire—and he does not find himself worrying even if she will burn him. despite her absence, she still set him ablazed. he longs for nothing but her. how many life does he have to burn before he lives with her? and he could almost hear a whisper.

a hundred more. just a hundred more.

and he almsot felt relieved at that. a hundred more would be nothing. he was even prepared to burn thousands. that was how bewitched he was.

she was lovely—extremely, completely, entirely.

yet, even if it is full of love, all a ghost can do is haunt.

━━━ ✦ ❘ ☽ 【❖】 ☾ ❘ ✦ ━━━

the following day, lady bridgerton could not hold it anymore. her son was spiralling away. she missed him. so, she ascended their stairs, aiming for the room of the said son.

anthony has told her that he was, at the very least, responsive. she did not want her son to be reduced as someone thankfully responsive. benedict has always been full of colors.

he was an art himself.

she knocked, turning the knob and was surprised it was not locked. violet entered slowly, seeing the figure behind a canvas.

she called out to him, "my son, come with us."

there was no response, continuing to walk towards the man. entering the room fully, she could see random sketches of the young silva.

picking up a paper, his mother commented, "she was beautiful."

violet could hear a small hum from her son, still not tearing his gaze away from the art he is currently working on, "she will forever be."

she warmly smiled at that. the son who has repeatedly told her before that what she and edmund had was rare, now utterly taken beyond mortal relations.

she placed an arm around his shoulders for comfort as she took a look at the painting, "you love her so much."

he added a detail on her features, "if i could say it in words, there would be no reason to paint."

her heart broke for his son she almost felt like it was her fault. maybe, that was why the two met each other and loved each other when they were still too young. they were not meant to grow older together.

she placed a peck on top of his head, "will you come out with us soon?"

benedict placed down his brush, exhaling defeatedly. nonetheless, he turned to his mother with a weak smile, "after i finish this."

violet nodded at that before giving him back his solitude. it took quite the days before he completed the artwork. the sun rose and set, yet the stars only dimmed.

on the night he finally finished the painting, the dead of night was clear and the stars began to find their shine once again. a hopeful thought graced his mind.

perhaps, someday, somewhere, at a less miserable time, they will see each other again.

he turned to his table, scrambling to get a paper and pen. he will not let the night go on as if it was just any other night. this darkness shined a light, one he only recognised when the girl was present. and maybe, you can call it a pathetic attempt of hope, it was the young silva watching him as his hand gripped the pen.

my loraine,

i will remember you longer than i knew you, and i will never come to terms with that.

thus, i will find you when you return, even if you are a thousand years late.

give me your permission and i will continue to love you in another. believe that i will run amock across the universe until i find you.

and so, when you see the world ending in the newspapers, trust that it is my work because i still have not met you again.

let us make us happen, some other time.

until we meet again,

forever your artsy

perhaps, they were right in putting love into books and poems—perhaps, it could not live anywhere else. they did say that everything will be fine in the end. and if it isn't, then it is not the end yet.

he has learned that grief is not accepting that she died. it is acknowledging that she is still alive in everything that he does.

and so he hopes—he hopes that all this grief stays with him because it is all the unexpressed love that he did not get to tell her. he will never let this go.

indeed, what is grief if not love persevering.

the pain will remind them of each other. when they meet later, if there is a later, they will recognise each other by it.

and just because this life is painful, it does not mean the next one will be.

taglist: @aadu2173 @imgondeletedis @pumkiinpasties @rebleforkicks @perseny @everavenclaw @datingbtr @peetahpahkah @myo11 @idek-what-to-put @aysamuka

[cosmic-ghost-hermit]

What Are You Too Hard On Yourself About?

So my camera that I usually take pictures with is not accessible rn so I'm going to be using a different approach to doing pick-a-pile readings. I'm taking inspiration from other tarot readers on tumblr and use aesthetic photos that I find on pinterest and tumblr. let me know if yall like this more than the photo approach!

PILE ONE

Astrology: Virgo, Capricorn, Leo

Cards: The Wheel of Fortune, The Tower, King of Pentacles, En Caul

Song: Queen Of This Shit by Quay Dash

Vibes: ❤️🎂🚗🫖🥊☕️🍎🎲🎸🎹🍒🚑🍅⏰🍉✉️🍓🤍🌶.⚾️🥩🍰

Hello, pile 1! You seem to be hard on yourself for things that aren't even your fault, my friend. I think when you were young a lot of things were blamed on you so now you take responsibility when anything tragic happens. The thing about you is you are the one person that holds together the best in tragedy. It's only after it's all happened that you start feeling like you are to blame. You are not the cause of the wheel turning. Life is a series of up's and down's on the wheel of fortune. I hear you saying things to yourself like "I'm better off not being around" but my friend the wheel would still turn if you weren't. You being in the general vicinity does not make you at fault. You keep the ride on that wheel semi-stable, my dear. Please be kinder to yourself. You are so intelligent and you have the abilities of a seer. You know what to expect from the rollercoaster that life is and you are fantastic at preparing for it. Do not beat yourself up for existing. Do not beat yourself up for making simple mistakes. Accept yourself at every part of life. Love yourself at your best AND your worst.

PILE TWO

Astrology: Pisces, Gemini, Libra

Cards: The Hanged-Man, Page of Swords, Two of Cups, Lady of the Lake

Song: I Wish I Never Met You by Oh Wonder

Vibes: 💙❤️🦋🌹❄️💥🫐🍒💎🧲🧿🪓🌀🧯♿️🧰💦🍄🐳🎒🧢👠🧵🧣🌎

Hi, pile 2! You are hard on yourself for 2 things that work in tandem with each other. You either really struggle to find partners or you struggle to build romantic connections with the sexual partners you find. You have a very pixie-like energy which makes me think this is rooted in ADHD. You get extremely mely distracted by your interests and your experiences that it is difficult for you to find romance with anyone. The people you find connections with don't understand that you need patience and understanding. They don't understand that your ADHD isn't just a disability. Your ADHD is a PART of you and if they can't accept and love your ADHD along with you, they don't even deserve your attention and love anyway. I see that there is trauma connected to you feeling useful. Because you have been rejected for the way your mind works you think all you are good at is sex. You have fallen victim to people-pleasing behaviors all because you are allowing people to shit on an entire facet of your personality. Please stand up for yourself instead of being hard on yourself for how others view you. Their opinions do not matter if they constantly put you into a state of distress and self-hatred. Do not beat yourself up because of other people's ableism. You deserve a lover that understands you and accepts every part of you. When you finally stand up for yourself you will have completed a really tough cycle and your new energy will reward you greatly with a true romantic partner that will most likely be sticking around longer than the others.

PILE THREE

Astrology: Taurus, Sagittarius, Aries

Cards: The Empress, Strength, 8 of Wands, The Rainbow

Song: No Drug Like Me by Carly Rae Jepsen

Vibes: 💛🎺🏅🐝🐱👑👙🍯🥧🥞🧀🌸🍋🍌☀️💫⚡️✨🌻🌼💐🕯💰🛍

Hey there pile 3. Your energy is so light but somehow very rich as well. You have such a lovely energy that people love to be in. This can be a blessing and a curse for you. This is because you aren't too attached to anything or anyone. You are the type of person who people get addicted to but you often leave as quickly as you arrived. You are too hard on yourself about how this makes people feel. You feel as if you have left a string of broken hearts behind you. I see you feeling very guilty because of this. Don't be harsh with yourself about your true nature. You need room to travel from person to person. You aren't the kind of individual to get attached to concepts you experience as temporary. Human connection isn't meant to be permanent for you anyway. You shouldn't try to save feelings by moving away from your authenticity. You are meant to be independent and follow your heart where the wind takes it. Let the broken hearts leave your mind. Let the guilt slide off of you like water off a duck's back. Those people will find new beginnings with people who are meant to settle down. You will forever be a free spirit. If you tried to tie yourself down out of a sense of guilt it wouldn't end well for anyone. Your authenticity should be your main priority, not saving the emotions of people who have paths to walk you can't follow. What they think about you doesn't matter if it's your time to dip again.

PILE FOUR

Astrology: Scorpio, Cancer, Aquarius

Cards: The Hanged Man, 2 of Pentacles, Ace of Swords, Cosmic Ocean

Song: Greener by Kid Quill

Vibes: 💚🤎🐸🦇🪲🦂🍀🍂🥝🥥🍈🍹🧩🛖✅⚰️♻️🧺🇵🇸🚪🤑🪑💸🕯📗

Hey there, pile 4! You need to be easier on yourself for your indecisiveness, my friend. You are a very interesting combination of compassionate and intelligent. This is what makes it so hard for you to make decisions fast. It's not that you are bad at making decisions. You are smart enough to consider the different paths that could happen when making a decision. You understand that your actions have consequences and you can predict them very accurately. You are also kind enough to consider how those consequences affect the people around you. You are actually REALLY good at making decisions but it takes time to consider all of the possibilities. People have given you a hard time about indecisiveness for a long time but that's because they can't see the gears turning in your head. They don't see that you see every possibility. They can't even fathom the experience because most of the people giving you a hard time are only thinking logically or are only thinking compassionately but you see both perspectives which gives you more intel to contemplate. Be a bit nicer to yourself when you make decisions slowly. The people critiquing you don't even know the half of it.

[lacrimosathedark]

As a big time Radioapple shipper, I would love it if Radioapple writers didn't like, bash Lilith?

I've seen a handful of writers make Lilith downright abusive. Saying Lucifer's ducks are ridiculous, that his dreams are outlandish, even going so far as to say he's useless or pathetic. This is often used to highlight the difference between Lilith and Alastor when Alastor is shockingly understanding, as if Lilith wouldn't be and is portrayed as and ice queen. Which is nothing like what little we know of her.

The intro says she inspired demonkind. In the pilot, there are posters of her encouraging Sinners to resist against the Exterminations. Charlie is so sure that Lilith would support her hotel. The paintings in Lucifer's office show a loving, happy family.

People who love each other can grow apart without either being outright abusive.

Lucifer's Fall came with a great deal of despair, exacerbated by the cruelty he saw in Sinners. His depression was in direct opposition to Lilith's hopes.

And then there's his AuDHD, which probably leads to him focusing on one thing or another and losing track of time, time he could be spending with his family. Not like he means to be away, it just happens.

And of course he's so socially awkward and Lilith is inspirational, so any "royal duties" probably fell on Lilith's shoulders rather than Lucifer's.

That's a lot of strain on the relationship without either one being particularly cruel or at fault. Just drifting apart.

It's possible Lilith kept Charlie from Lucifer when they split, but there's so many reasons she could have done that. If he got focused on something, he might not pay enough attention to her and she get hurt for example. There's also the possibility of anything Lilith was doing behind Lucifer's back to help Hell have something to do with Charlie.

And Lucifer is still wearing his ring, keeps up family portraits as a reminder. If there was any resentment for her at all, he could have covered up Lilith. We've seen Blitzø scribble out his own face in photographs and scribbled over Verosika on his calendar, and Stolas cover all portraits and revealing only Octavia. It's not out of the realm of possibility. But he didn't and he keeps that reminder of her with him.

And while very much not canon, I've seen Viv like fanart of Lucifer showing his ducks to Lilith and her loving them. Lucifer is adorable and do you think he was any LESS silly before his hopes were shattered? No! If anything, he was probably SILLIER when she fell in love with him. All that creative power and imagination, only scolding to dampen his sparkle, and not scolding from Lilith. He would tell her all about his funny ideas and would she have married him if she didn't love that about him?

Lucifer and Lilith were very much in love at first. The only hint we have that Lilith is actually a horrible person is that the person that is presumably her made some deal with Adam and has been chilling somewhere outside of Hell for the last seven years without telling her daughter anything at all. Which there could be so many reasons for.

And that dark look she gave to Lute doesn't have to be her being annoyed at having to go back to Hell to her family. Lute is a bitch, and also just called Lilith's daughter a bitch. Like...do you expect her to smile at her??? Lute sucks. (for the record, I hate her as a character, which I think means she's a good character. And her voice is AMAZING and I need to hear her sing more after You Didn't Know because WOW)

All that is to say, a separation doesn't have to be from abuse and it can still be hard to move on. AND you don't have to hate your ex to move on to dating someone else.

You don't need to villainize Lilith to make Alastor look good. Part of Alastor's appeal is that he's a complex contradictory bastard. If you want his behavior compared to something to make him look good, use his past actions. If he's getting kinder, sweeter, more understanding, his old antagonism would contrast it. And if you want to use someone else, Adam's right there! And he SUCKS! (I like him as a character tho, he's hilarious)

I don't like shipping Lucifer with Adam, but I know some people do, and I also like the idea that they were friends before everything fell apart. But Adam is all the negative things Alastor is not.

Both of them are prideful, but so is Lucifer. And Alastor generally wields his pride with grace while Adam never shuts the fuck up about himself.

Adam clearly has little to no respect for women, just by how he treats Lilith and Vaggie and even Charlie. Alastor holds women in high regard, and most of the people he seems to have actual relationships with are women, Niffty, Rosie, Mimzy, and even Charlie.

Adam is always talking about sex and bragging about how much he fucks, and says that Charlie and Vaggie's relationship is "hot as fuck" which, ew. Alastor, meanwhile, is (obliviously) asexual, has a general disregard for sexuality, and open disdain for hypersexuality.

Adam is very openly uncouth and brash and rude and constantly swearing. Alastor is vicious, but he is charming and genteel all the while, and swears a whole of three times in season one. First, the "Fuck you" to Lucifer in Episode Five (it took him that long to swear ONCE), and then twice in Episode Eight, once when first letting loose in his fight against Adam, and second when he was stunned right before getting wounded. Adam drops cunt in the first episode lol

Adam is also an open book where Alastor is a puzzle hidden behind a smile.

If you wanna compare Alastor, or anyone else you'd ship Lucifer with, to someone he might have been close to from all the way back in Eden times, Lilith isn't the only option there.

Let Lilith say one word before you decide she's evil, yeah?

[dearanakin]

trust you | anakin skywalker: episode VI

Summary: You and Anakin have been paired to attend an event on the Jedi Temple, all because Poe Dameron insisted. The Jedi seems unprepared for the outcome of being in the spotlight, and you're faced with his vulnerabilities for the first time. (Ps: This is exactly how I imagine him during a specific scene from this chapter 🥺)

Warnings: vulgar language (as always), panic attack

Word count: 4.8k

----

Anakin:

As soon as we landed on Coruscant, we were all warmly welcomed by every person who had been waiting for us to come back from our mission. We were greeted by the engineers, other Jedi and even a few Droids, which celebrated Artoo's return as well.

I tried my best to not cringe at every hug or every handshake someone pulled at me, but I didn't want to look like a dick any more than I already do. So, I just nodded and gave them a smile before heading towards Luke and C-3PO who were waiting for me expectantly.

I rushed to my son, and he quickly pulled himself at me and wrapped his legs around my waist, slightly squeezing me with his small arms. "Hey, bud. It's good to see you".

Luke pulls back and looks at me with a big smile and I see how his big blue eyes sparkle with happiness. "You're back, dad. I wanna know everything. Did you fight the bad man? Did you shoot him? Did they die?".

His bombardment made me laugh as I shook my head from the amused remarks he made. I pull him back for another hug and feel him clinging to my neck, I could feel his energy seeping through my body. It made me feel immediately relieved from being back again.

Luke drops himself from my grip and holds my hand, looking back at the commotion that was still happening in the hangar. People were cheering for (Y/N) and Cal, exchanging hugs as Poe watched with his arms crossed against his chest. He's not really well known around the Temple, but he nods with a grin when people compliment and greet him.

I feel the little boy giving my hand a squeeze, making my eyes dart to him. "Can I go hug Miss (Y/N)? I've heard she was on the mission as well".

My throat suddenly tightened and I tried too hard to swallow. I keep looking at him like it was a hard decision to make. It didn't strike me that he would like to welcome her at all. Not after telling him many times he shouldn't be too close to anyone I didn't trust. And matter-of-factly, the little bastard loves to do the opposite as I say sometimes. My face falters and I give him an apologetic look.

"But dad, everyone is hugging her. I wanna give her a hug too!" His words stung, they felt like a stab on an open wound.

"They're all friends, buddy. We're not her friends, remember?" I crouch down to his level, trying to reason as my hand rests over his shoulder. Luke frowns over my words and Goodness Sake, I swear I can see disappointment.

"That's because you don't want me to be friends with her. I already told you she's nice to me!" He shoots an angry glare at me and diverts from my grip. Seconds later, he's running towards the group of people around the others.

I stand up huffing, shoving my hand over hair pulling the strands feeling on edge. This little shit always goes against my rules and it pisses me off. But I'm never one to punish him, for some reason it doesn't feel right to do that. My mother never did that to me either way.

Behind me, 3PO mumbled something pretty incoherent and it sounded muffled. My eyes roamed through the hangar, they landed on a shadow standing across the area. I couldn't see much from the distance, but I sensed the presence and it felt like I'd seen it before. My stomach tied to a knot and I felt the blood rising to my head. Suddenly I felt a pressure in my chest, my feet wouldn't move.

I tried to sprint to the other side of the hangar, not daring to look away from the person standing on the corner of the wall. I decided to run after them, but by the time I got there, I was met with nothing. I blinked a few times, trying to adjust my sight and making sure it wasn't some kind of illusion, or a trick. I still had this feeling on my body that I knew who it was, but couldn't actually pinpoint it.

My heart was racing and hammering against my ribcage. I felt my blood pressure pick up as though I was having a heart attack. I couldn't just breathe decently, and I had to lean against the wall for support otherwise I'd drop to the floor and embarrass myself.

After a few minutes trying to calm down, my feet dragged me into the small group of people who were just having a conversation after celebrating our return. I watched as Poe was sitting on the floor talking to Luke. I swear to God this boy loves to make acquaintances with every person he sees. I'm not sure it's exactly a good idea to let him get to know other people, but I let him this time, he seemed pretty involved.

I shifted my sight and was met with Cal and (Y/N) laughing over something they were talking about. She glanced at me for a slight second, enough for me to catch her eyes before she returned her gaze to her friend. It felt different, weird to look at her after what happened back there. She didn't seem too frightened like she did before we went out on the mission.

Before we landed, Poe had invited us for a drink later that day. I tried to refuse many times, but he made sure he would convince me to go so I would get rid of my "grumpy face". I really wanted to go back to my place and get some rest, spend time with my son, and get some distraction. I just wasn't the biggest fan of going to the bar and drinking, nor do I like to interact with other people like I did before. It's plain boring to me.

-

I ended up going to the bar with Dameron, who also invited (Y/N) and Cal, obviously. Not only I didn't have the greatest time of my life, but I also had to deal with him asking (Y/N) to be my plus one at this sort of event the Temple was making.

And here I was, sitting next to her at our table for six. Cal was sitting across from us, his bored expression radiating through the place. He had a friend beside him, who was having a conversation with the nerd next to me. Motherfucking Poe was happily sipping on his glass of water, nodding to his sister.

I kept fidgeting my fingers under the table, not really interested in being at one of these events where they praise people for doing their work. In fact, I consider this such bullshit, given that we are all fighters out there. Kestis would constantly look at me like he wants to choke me to death, and I'm sure he just about planned the entire thing.

"So" Poe's sister spoke up, we all whipped our heads waiting for a response. "When did you and Skywalker start dating?"

The man next to her almost choked on his water, clearing his throat.

"What?" My eyebrows shot up in confusion and I could hear the crack in my voice. "We're not- She's not my-"

"We aren't really-" I heard (Y/N) speak up at the same time, sensing her nervousness.

"These two?" Cal chimed in simultaneously, and I glanced at him, knowing the bitterness in his tone. With a sly smirk on his face, he shook his head in amusement. "They literally hate each other".

The expression plastered over Dameron's face, I recognized he didn't know where exactly my relationship with her stands. His sister was as surprised as he was, while the dumbass sitting in front of me seemed to be having fun.

"Shut up, Cal" (Y/N) seethed through gritted teeth. "I'm sorry, he likes to make up things just for his entertainment".

Is he lying, though? I wasn't the biggest fan of hers, and I surely didn't want to be at this fucking event sitting next to her. Especially if I have to face Cal on the other end of the table.

She gave Poe's sister a forced smile, clearing her throat. "We're not together. Your brother paired us for the event, but that's about it".

I shot him daggers, my eyebrows still knitted together. I'm going to have a fucking headache from this conversation. The pilot lifted his hands in surrender as his face flushed red.

"Hey, I didn't know that either. If anything, I thought they were together" He explained, pointing his index finger between (Y/N) and Cal.

It's not like it's debatable, their friendship is somewhat too strong, and they always look at each other as if they're in love. Maybe I'm seeing things the wrong way, but I'm sure Kestis definitely feels passionate about her.

Now, at least I was having some fun. The redhead in front of me blushed, his lips pursed and he huffed. I felt (Y/N) shift beside me and shove her forehead over her hand, running the fingers through her hair.

"No one is dating anybody, Poe" He seemed to be having a hard time coming up with words, I watched as Cal tried to get rid of his hoarse voice while taking a sip of his water.

"Oh, really? You always seem pretty close" I push, receiving a warning glance from him. The curve of my lips pull into a smile and I tilt my head, faking my reaction.

"No. We're just really good friends" Cal clenches his jaw and I can feel his hands turn into fists besides his body under the table.

"Then why are you blushing?" I hear myself egging him, feeling his stare burn into me. Before he could speak up again, his friend cut him off.

"Okay, let's go get something to eat!" She stood up from her chair, grabbing him by his forearm. Kestis was pissed at me by the way his eyebrows were frowning and his hands were still closed.

I wiggle my fingers as I wave at him, watching as both of them disappear through the crowd of people dancing and conversing. I noticed (Y/N) was staring at me in shock, eyes widened and arms crossed over her chest.

"You're such a dick!" She protests before leaving the table, snapping the napkin over her empty plate.

This is just great, things are going exactly how I imagined they would. Like shit, as always.

"Wow, this is like a second-hand embarrassment table" Poe muttered with a nervous chuckle.

"This was your idea!" I angrily point at him with my robotic arm and he swats it away, rolling his eyes.

"Nope, my idea was to try to have some fun. Catch up and spend time together. The 'being a jerk' idea was all yours" He playfully smiles as he taps me on my shoulder. I shrug him off, fuming.

"Fuck off" I get up from my seat and walk over the hall of the Temple. From a distance, I can see the kids playing with the nurse Droids and a few Padawans as well. At least someone is having decent fun in this fucking place.

I wander through the numerous groups of people talking, while they eat their dinner and sip their drinks. They're smiling at each other, laughing and enjoying themselves. This is why I hate this kind of event, forcing myself to get here every time and watch as they all look at me like I'm some kind of superhero. Deep, I know. They only get to see my shell, my outer behavior. No one can see or know what really happens inside my head, what I feel in my body.

They can sense the somewhat darkness seeping through my blood vessels, but I don't let anyone feel more than that. Not the intrusive thoughts, not the grieving or the sorrow, or even the hatred. I had to create a shield to protect myself from having empathy and it comes with the price of seeing people distance themselves from me. I watch as they look at me with fear, they avoid looking at me.

I'm still not convinced my team trusts me completely, but they never showed me otherwise. I've had Cal as my wingman for a couple of years now and we never really had arguments over the time, just now it seemed like I've crossed some lines when I confronted (Y/N). He's not the first person to hate my guts right now, and he sure won't be the last either. Neither will she, for a fact.

I found her leaving the ladies room just in time when she was met with my eyes roaming around the area, looking for her. (Y/N) shifted her gaze when she noticed my glance. From her demeanor, I realized she was trying to get rid of me, shoving herself among the people as she tried to blend in. My feet were quick to follow her, trying not to knock everyone down while I swimmed through the crowd. Jesus, I wouldn't take her for someone who can run that fast without having a regular exercising routine.

My hand grazed her wrists, aiming for her waist instead. The mere touch burned my skin, it was foreign after so long. It was completely odd for me to hold someone - a woman - by the waist. She turned over, trying to shove my hands off of her, not being strong enough for my fingers to slip.

"Let me go, Skywalker. Or I'll scream!" (Y/N) tried to stand at least an arm span from me. Her small hands eagerly held mine as she still struggled to get rid of my hold.

"Hey, calm down now. Let me talk for just a minute" I lowered my chin and showed some empathy before she decided to lose it and make a scene.

"I think you've said enough for today" She didn't move her hands from mine. I could feel (Y/N) was having a difficult time trusting me after the stunt I pulled, her eyes were squinted and her forehead was crinkled with annoyance.

I rolled my eyes, knowing I wasn't in the right for making excuses. I just wanted to have my fun with the guy, I didn't do any harm to him. "Look- I'm... sorry. I was an ass, I recognize that and I didn't mean to make you feel embarrassed".

Her expression dropped a little, but I can see she was going to be sarcastic. She was chuckling, looking at me with taunting in her eyes. "You really had me there, Anakin. For a moment I wasn't sure you had the word "sorry" in your vocabulary".

And then, the next second, (Y/N) went back to the previous angry look, shoving both of my hands from her waist. I rolled my eyes before letting out a groan as I scratched the back of my neck. "Why make this hard and just say you don't want my apology?".

She places one hand over her waist, while pinching her chin with the other. I swear to God, I barely have any patience for this kind of game. "Huh, come to think of it, I might actually just forgive you. The way you're grimacing, it must have been really hard for you to say that word".

I watch her send me a small smile before turning on her back, walking back to our table. I must be a really bad person if people think I can't just apologize when I do something wrong.

Before I even consider taking another step, I hear my name being shot out from the small stage. Here we go again with the show. Master Yoda was sitting down on a stool, holding a microphone in his tiny green hand, waving for me to come over.

Shit.

I forced a smile, feeling everyone's eyes burn into my back as I walked towards him, immediately balling my hands into fists from instinct of self protection. I might as well have social anxiety if that's even a thing. I stood there in front of dozens of people, some were clapping their hands, some were whistling and then there was Cal, who was definitely not even masking the way his eyes were rolling.

There was a speech, which I didn't manage to listen to. I was too busy keeping my eyes on Luke as he looked at me with a sparkle in his eyes, probably proud of his father for being there. Like I'm a motherfucking God. I'm sure this place belonged to Obi-Wan more than anything, although it was obvious he would go against it just like me. Whatever Yoda was yapping about just about sounded muffled to me, and I wish I could just kill myself.

"To the bravest Jedi Master, here is to" He celebrates, extending his little arms to me as he holds a fucking medal. "Proud of you, we all are".

I hear the claps again, the cheering and the warming celebration right above my eyes. But I don't feel it, I don't agree with all the adoration and admiration. My head whips to where Luke stands, he's jumping around and celebrating his own father. My own eyes glint with gratitude for having him next to me. He's my anchor, the angel sent from heaven to help me stay whole.

"I- Uh- Thank you for the support..." I heave as I feel a lump in my throat. "But I don't think I deserve this. I'm not sure it's good enough for me" My voice barely comes out, my hands are trembling as I hold the microphone with one, while the other grips the medal.

There's silence and shuffling around the hall. I'm sure Kestis would stand up and just scream saying I suck. But it never came. In fact, the only sound echoing through the room was from running feet. When I came to realize, my boy was standing right in front of me, holding the hem of my blazer. I look down at him, there's a frown on his face and it hits me. I disappointed my child too.

"But you're the bravest Jedi Master, dad! Everyone says you're the chosen one, you deserve it" He goes through his sentence nodding at every word he says. "You're a good person, daddy. We are proud of you".

I stare at him with my jaw slack and my mind spiraling, going blank as the words freeze in my mouth. The moment I take in everything he just said, my body can't help but keep completely stagnant. Yoda protests again, saying his last words as if he agrees with Luke, but it's hard to focus on my surroundings. I just step out of this torture and get a hold of the boy, pulling him into a hug as he wraps himself around my torso.

Even with my body feeling tense, closing my eyes didn't make a difference at this point. I squinted them shut as much as I could, clinging to Luke as if it was the last thing I had to do. It still wasn't enough for me to shake off the draining feeling, nor was I able to avoid listening to the murmuring as they went back to what they were doing. My hands were still shaking and feeling numb, my eyes shooting up immediately.

I clear my throat, pulling away from him just enough to speak. It came out hoarse and strangled. "I'll be right back, alright? Get back to your friends".

My blurry vision sent a shockwave through my body and I stiffened, every cell shooting an alarming feeling straight to my brain. I shake my head, trying to make sense of what's in front of me but everything seems too distorted. My boots heavily drag me out of there, leading me to a corner where no one would bother or ask questions about me. It becomes too hard to walk, my fingertips graze the wall like it was soap, slipping through it, and I can hear my blood pumping so loud that everything else becomes a haze.

I walk into a small room, which was probably a janitor's room, dropping to my knees as soon as I close the door behind me. My first instinct is to punch the wall, release the nerves stuck on me. I can feel the sweat dripping down my neck and my forehead, my hair sticking to the damp skin. The blazer and tunic are suffocating me and I have to force myself to undress before it gets harder to breathe. I groan when I notice the numbness over my body, my heart rate quickly picking up. I pace around the small room, breaking and throwing anything I see in front of me.

Just let it out, Skywalker. It will go away. It has to.

"You're so... fucking... ridiculous!" I say to myself as I keep walking in circles, kicking and punching. My airways become smaller each breath I take and I start wheezing.

"You're lame, Anakin. Fucking. Lame" My hands fly up to my face and I start smacking myself on the forehead for reassurance.

For a second, I lean against the small shelf in front me. I can feel something shift inside of me, my eyes became extremely dry and it burned. I snapped out of my thoughts when the door - which I could've sworn was locked - opened. (Y/N) stood there, shocked to see me like that.

She doesn't even take the hint, rather than just walks in and locks the door with both of us inside the small room.

"Anakin, what's wrong?" She looks at me, worried and scared. Her hands hesitantly reach out to my arms, but I grab her wrists before they touch me.

"What the hell are you doing here?" My tone was husky from the whisper screaming and from the anger.

She shifted her eyes between mine and my trembling hands gripping her. I could still barely see, my eyelids were twitching and they felt too heavy.

"Your- your eyes" (Y/N) motioned her hands, pulling them back, placing them over her mouth. "You're-"

My knees gave out before I could fucking yell at her again. I groaned so loud that it was deafening this time, my hands pulled my hair from the roots. The hot tears started to prick and I tried to blink them away. "Get out, now!"

I felt her startle next to me, taking a step back, and it was enough for me to get myself distant from her. I didn't need anyone seeing me like this, especially her. With my eyes closed and my fists clenching hard, I sit down and lean against the wall. I rest my elbows against my knees and shove my head back against the wall multiple times.

"Go away! Go away! Go away!" I scream out, my throat burning from the action and my head throbbing from the bashing.

"Anakin! Look at me, now. Please, it's just me" She speaks through a wavering voice. I feel one of her hands resting against my flesh one, the warmth spreading through my skin.

The touch always burned, it didn't feel repelling, it just felt awkward. Strange. It was hard to accept the gesture.

I shook my head for what felt like an entire minute, my mouth mumbling incoherent words and I still leaned against the wall. Her hand hovered over my jawline and I immediately clenched it, my arm instinctively shot upwards to grab her forearm and she yelped from the sudden action. "It's okay, Anakin. No one knows".

Slowly my eyes opened to meet her face standing inches from me, respecting the distance even though her hand was barely touching my face. The gears in my head started working against my will, my nose flared in rage and I immediately wrapped her throat around my metal hand. I stood right up, pushing her against the wall as she choked with the impact. Her hands gripped my arm with mercy, she tried to gasp for air as she tried to speak.

I didn't feel guilty, I didn't feel sympathetic, I didn't feel anything. All I could see right now was red and I could tell my eyes were bloodshot from how angry I was. And then her behavior shifted again by the way she was looking at me, she was panicking. She couldn't look at me just like she was doing seconds ago. I tilt my head and release her, but not fast enough to catch her before she drops to the floor on her knees. I can feel it now. I know that feeling.

The panic attacks almost never came with the deadly feeling of snapping someone's neck. And now I know why I feel the way I just did. The darkness I've been told about too many times before. If you let it in, you can't control it. It's been dormant for years, I know I feel it coming to the surface when I can't control my own emotions. This time, it was finally reaching out to the surface and breaking out of it. I stepped out and walked backwards until my back hit the wall again, watching as she stood on her feet.

"Anakin-"

I swallow the enormous pain in my throat. "You need to go". She struggled to disagree, her head shaking hesitantly. My chest was heaving, everything hurts and I'm still feeling numb as fuck. "Just go!"

It took me that long to finally break down and I did right in front of her. In front of someone I so much despised for failing to do her job and now I'm paying for being exactly who I promised myself I would be. The pain in my stomach was nauseating and I had to slump down against the wall, this time not giving a fuck I looked like a crying baby. I had too much in my head already.

She tried to hold my chin up to face her, and I watched as her hand stayed frozen only a few inches before she decided against it and carefully gripped my skin. (Y/N) stares at my soul intently, eyes roaming through my face as I hold back the urge of grunting.

"It's okay, it's not the time to be tough. I know I'm not your favorite person right now but let me help you" She tries to coax in a soothing voice.

I have the hardest time getting myself to react, as my body is still struggling against the episode I just had. I want to push her away, I want to swat her hand away from me, I hate that I feel too vulnerable to avoid any physical contact. I just can't. "I'm bad. I'm so bad" I rasp.

I can't even speak. I feel my throat burning, my skin burning, my lung burning. Every inch of my body feels like it's on fire. And I can't fight against it this time. She withdraws her hand from my face, sliding it against my robotic hand, closing it tightly. "Hey, you need to fight against it. You're still you".

I shake my head in disbelief and let out a gruff laugh. I haven't been myself in six years. I just work through it so I won't lose it. Everyday is a battle against the darkening feeling just for the sake of Luke's life, because he doesn't deserve that kind of father. He doesn't even deserve this father. "You don't know shit about me".

I expect her to back up and leave, but she stays crouched on my eye level, still gripping my hand. Her lips are pursed in a thin line, and her irises are boring into mine. I recognize that look, she's trying to figure me out, I shut it down and drop my head. "Stop it".

"They were yellow" She said in a whisper, and I shot my head up again. "Your eyes. They were-"

"I know... I've seen it happen before, once" I try to not make a big deal out of it, but there's only so much I can do about that. Because I know I can't avoid it from happening anymore.

"I'm not good. I'm not good for anyone" My confession almost came out as a sob. This time, I couldn't handle the stress and I couldn't even think about what I was going to do after what happened.

She's going to see me as a joke, as a pussy man who gets medals for being the bravest Jedi Master, while behind closed doors, he falls to his knees and cries his sorrows.

I'm not the Jedi I should be.

@jackie-on-the-loose @adorbzliz @himesuedi @kingdomhate @himesuedi @cl0esblogg @littlecoffeeadict @readingthingsonhere

[lover-of-mine]

Okay, I keep posting around what I actually wanna say about Buck, Eddie, and the parallel love lives, and, well, their love lives have been written as parallel but misaligned, but I don't think they are that misaligned anymore. Or at least they are the closest they have ever been. Abby and Shannon both serve as the first love who left and never gave them real closure, Abby left, forced Buck to leave her, came back and didn't admit to anything, just continued to force Buck to deal with it on his own, and Shannon left, only came back because Eddie asked her to, and she died right after asking for a divorce, so she never gave Eddie time to process the idea of permanently letting go of her before he was forced to do it on his own, and they are the love they keep reliving, because they were forced to find that closure on their own and they can't. Eddie because he is actively chasing Shannon and Buck because he is trapped in the same structure as his relationship with Abby, meeting because of work, the other person starts it, they leave at some point, at most times it feels like Buck is more in it than the other person. Buck gets a whole apartment because of Ali, Taylor was never as intense as we knew she could be about Buck, Natalia ran away because of who he is, Tommy doesn't seem to be putting in as much effort as he could. Ana, Marisol, and Kim and Ali, Taylor, Natalia, and Tommy, they get scrambled in the parallels between themselves though. I think mostly because where Buck needs time, Eddie needs intensity. Buck will realize stuff if you give him enough time, Eddie will only realize shit if it slaps him in the face. And Eddie's breakups tend to be Eddie's fault, where Buck breakups are usually because the other person does something. So one to one parallels are hard to draw, but they are there. Ana and Ali both are relationships that started because people keep telling them it was time to move on. Natalia and Marisol show up in their lives because of a call that wasn't about them, and they go out because they actually want to ask them out. Tommy and Kim both give the impression of it being about someone else, Kim is a carbon copy of Shannon, Tommy is presented to us as very similar to Eddie and he also parallels other Buck li, and there's also the way Eddie doesn't really want to date Kim and Buck and Tommy have the conversation about taking things slow. Taylor exists in a different situation because Eddie doesn't really have a multiseason love interest, Ana has a lot less episodes, so it's hard to compare the introductions, but Taylor and Ana parallel each other with the being introduced in an episode their family gets hurt, the whole thing with the brownies and Bobby and Chris and the skateboard, and the hurting Buck and Eddie part comes from their jobs, Taylor wants to capitalize on Bobby's addiction and Ana was the teacher responsible for making sure Chris stays safe, I think even the way Taylor's camera man teases them and the way Carla teases Eddie about Ana, structure wise Taylor and Ana are introduced in a similar way, and then coming back into their lives in unrelated circumstances, Taylor happens to be covering a scene Buck is working on and Eddie runs into Ana again during an unrelated call and later asking them out because of peer pressure. Ali, Ana, Taylor, and Marisol also parallel each other with being someone they meet while working and then start dating after a period of time has passed unlike Natalia. Taylor, Ana, and Natalia all get treated by them and that's interesting when they are not actually paramedics. There are a bunch of parallels between Natalia and Ana when it comes to conversations Buck and Eddie have with them too.

Kim parallels Taylor with the way both of them create chaos in their personal lives, Kim ends up making Chris want to leave and causes the breakup with Marisol, Taylor continues to try to capitalize on Buck's family even in a situation where their lives were actually at stake (and Chim is family in a more traditional way, now obviously because he's Buck's brother in law but at the time because he's the father of Buck's niece, and it is interesting that Chim leaves and actively wants to be as far away as possible from Buck and Chris is trying to get as far away as possible from Eddie, and I know the Chim's situation is not about Buck, but the person getting hurt the most over Taylor/Kim actions actually leaves the state while wanting to stay away from Buck/Eddie after finding out they were keeping something from them, which is something).

So the storyline parallels between all the love interests are there, but the things that's been getting me the most right now are the lines you can draw between Tommy and Kim. Because the thing is, while Eddie is actively chasing Shannon, I believe that Buck has let the Abby ship sail, but they are both looking in familiarity for something they already have with each other. With familiarity I mean the way Tommy parallels all of Buck's love interests, including Eddie, and the way Kim literally looks familiar. But also the way neither would have a chance of working long term because of that familiarity. Eddie can never bring Kim into his life, so that relationship would forever be surface level, and so far no real depth has been added to Buck and Tommy even though the show had opportunities to do so. Both Tommy and Kim presented Buck and Eddie with something they wanted but weren't fully aware of until they slammed into them, with Buck is the general concept of attraction to men he couldn't understand on his own and with Eddie, he didn't fully confront the way he still wants something from Shannon, that being more time, closure, or just the general feeling of grief that sometimes gets so unbearable you just want it to stop for a little bit and Kim was enough to trick his brain so it would stop for a second, I don't know, but she was offering something. But either way Eddie is finally at a point where he might actually look around to try and find out what he wants, because he was forced to confront the ghost of Shannon and Chris is not there, so he's at a point where he has enough puzzle pieces to realize that what he wants is the life he already has with Buck, the same way Buck can trip into the realization he already built his idea of love with someone, he just didn't understand Eddie is also an option. I think both of them work as a way to expand Buck and Eddie's dating pool, Eddie beyond what's expected from him, a mother for Chris, and Buck beyond women. So I think this is the closest they've ever been to actually being able to stumble into each other.

[physalian]

There’s this unskippable Google AI ad on YouTube where this girl consults the robot about how to cancel dinner plans with the people across the table in the most annoying voice (likely because I have seen this ad now and had to listen to her asinine questions 20 times at least) and this ad, right here, speaks to my frustration around AI:

It disincentivizes critical thinking.

I know the ad is a joke and meant to be lighthearted and I’m only this annoyed because it’s unskippable and irritating af, but every time I see it all I can think is “if you can’t manage enough creativity and critical thinking to come up with your own excuse to cancel on your friends, maybe you shouldn’t have those friends.”

I have a relative who is firmly in the ChatGPT camp and, for example, yesterday I was trying to figure out how to compress a video file and was venting to them about it. They sent me back something I didn’t read from ChatGPT. Meanwhile, I looked up a YouTube video and figured out how to do the rest on my own, and getting the file compressed was immensely satisfying. Far more than mindlessly and thoughtlessly consulting the robot.

“It’s just like a YouTube video!” They’d told me.

No, a real person put time and effort into that video. That robot stole their content without their consent, didn’t credit them, and spat it back out. I used to patronizingly refer to ChatGPT as "the magic conch" and now I can barely do that anymore because that metaphor is becoming all-too real.

While I can understand the barriers it lowers—like if you struggle with writing the robot does it for you, or if you need a piece of art and are too poor, you can generate it for free. Mindless, repetitive tasks that eat up creative juices that can just be automated by a robot, too (even though everyone can tell when a response is canned and artificial and no one appreciates talking to a machine).

If you keep consulting ChatGPT for how to articulate what you want to say, or just straight-up having it do the hard work for you, you’re never going to learn. Yes it’s taken me 8 years to reach the quality and skill of writing I have but as another Tumblr post out there said: The time will pass anyway.

I can’t draw to the skill level that I’d like to. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to keep practicing until I get there. I thrive off that sense of accomplishment. There’s no little hit of dopamine from typing in a prompt and clicking a button and I certainly don’t appreciate the final product scalped without consequence from real artists.

Or, like when I had to fire a beta reader for flagrant abuse of AI in her work: I can copy-paste my manuscript into ChatGPT, too. I’d paid her for a human response, not garbage feedback that couldn’t understand what I was writing beyond that there were words on the page. I wanted so badly to ask her why she does a job in a creative field if she's just going to have a robot do all the fun parts? I beta read at a great loss of profit because I enjoy beta reading and it's a fiercely competetive market. Surely if she wanted to scam people, she could have done so in so many other ways. You don't need to know how to pen complex prose in your every day life, but by god, you do need to know how to effectively communicate, contextualize, and argue your perspective and this ridiculous ad joking about cancelling dinner plans sure is funny, until it isn't.

And I know the people who made AI probably did so with the best of intentions but people can be lazy and cheap and we love taking shortcuts to save money and I stand by this: "Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should."

So. Yeah. This is a writing advice blog and this post has almost nothing to do with it, but that ad annoys me to no end and I had to say something somewhere about it. Bottom line: Robots were supposed to make the hard jobs, the monotonous jobs, the overcomplicated jobs, the belittling jobs easier, not make us all into pudding-boned Wall-E people. If you want to write, learning is absolutely free - write on the back of your grocery receipts for all I care. If you want to draw, pick up a notebook and pack of pencils from the local dollar store and start drawing.

What you made will always mean more to you than something that didn't cost you time, effort, brain power, or even money to obtain.

[ohmycale]

I guess I am alive again...

I have not been in the fandom for quite some time due to life and many things happening in real life. Somebody in real life asked to read and comment on a post defending Deruth. It's a good read and I agree on most of it. Which even surprising that I'm writing this. I hope I would not offend anyone if I would just highlight some of the things I read that make me think. A bit of a long post incoming

I agree that he's an okay parent...for any other child and any other time except during Jour's death. But since ogCale was a neglected child by most adults around him (during and after this time), especially his parents, I would beg to differ. And here I am thinking that parents try their best even at their worst times. Tbh, the post feels like an excuse Deruth's neglect like many posts that I have read. Just another one who handwave neglect and worse, treat it as something so trivial. Neglect is treated as something so minor that should be waived by time or force. Assuming that we're not holding Deruth on a pedestal, why is an apology for his failings such a bad thing to do, fathom or even ask for?

Father and child were both grieving but it seems that it was only Deruth's grief that mattered. Nobody gave a shit for the child who had his life upside down from losing his mother, ignored by his father, and got a new family that he was (for intents and purposes at that time) didn't even ask for. Because Deruth moved on, everyone, especially Cale, has to. Because of a new family, og!cale never said anything coz he'd probably be answered by 'Don't you want your father (Deruth) to be happy?' (classic line for stepkids) If that's the feedback, why bother opening up and saying something? Og!Cale will be the bad guy for expressing such thoughts and feelings. In real life blended families, it's the parents who facilitate everything including communication. It's the adults who should be guiding the children and have control of the situation. Also, let's not forget that it was Deruth who distanced himself from og!Cale first and never bothered to patch their relationship and issues even to the point that og!cale changed a lot aka Roksu appeared.

I understand that people are not at their best selves when grieving. I was the same. But I am not an adult nor a parent. I didn't have a child that I had to care for or be responsible for. It might have been hard, but it would not sit on my conscience to burden a kid with my messy emotions or pull away. Because pulling away from a person who thought they were loved by you leads them to think that they are at fault. At the very least, og!cale deserved a conversation about his mother's passing and his father's actions at that time.

I don't care about the worst father list. As mentioned before, Deruth only gets the benefit of the doubt already because he is kind and trying. Trying but didn’t succeed. For me, his trying is not for readers to judge, His effort should only matter to og!cale and whether it is enough to absolve Deruth for his failings.

I agree that both Deruth and og!cale are bad at communicating. Deruth did set the precedent of not communicating and pulling away.

The first few chapters show that he cares for his son in his way. Yeah, but he's not reaching his son, does he? They barely had a functioning relationship and we're supposed to congratulate him? As a reader, we get it that he cares for his son. But if we ask Deruth, should he be happier that he’s winning over strangers rather than the person he's trying to care for? And if Deruth is on speaking terms with og!Cale to his son, it’s not gonna be that hard to bring out a topic or issues.

Not touching the Violan bit because she is his stepmother (and stepfamilies are so complex and hard) and to be honest, a better adult than her husband,

8. You can also argue that Deruth didn't try hard enough. He does try. He's not just good efficient as exemplified by the post. He doesn't speak about the things that matter to them both but does the indirect and inefficient ways. He shouldn't be surprised if keeps trying bad ways to reconcile and act surprised when it fails.

9. So for parents to try harder doesn't usually end up with a heart-to-heart talk unless the other wants to talk. It's a risk that a parent has to take - either grab them by the horns or be miserable trying to communicate via the mind. And suffer the odds for the risk.

Re Basen and Lily. I am ambivalent about them. It’s not because they were kids or they did something bad to og!cale. For some people, especially the people who were left by their parents to have a do-over family, they are a symbol. I mean, sans og!Cale, Deruth is winning. He has a new family – a wife that shares his burden, a (spare) son for the county, a daughter that he might have wished for. There are real fathers and mothers who abandon their original families/children because THEY CAN. Is it projecting? Absolutely effing lutely. Is it reasonable enough to expect? Yes. Because Deruth is a flawed human being who already showed that he CAN abandon og!Cale if he so wished. And nobody can stop or even disapprove of him because of his status and position. It is good that Deruth in the story defies this but he’s still doing the BARE MINIMUM.

Overall, whether Deruth is a bad father will be a recurring conversation topic for the fandom. There are many viewpoints but I always always side with the views most relevant and applicable to og!Cale even it might be biased. If og!Cale is here with us, I am sure he will be more than happy to tell us what he thinks.

But we don’t. Any opinion, even the scathing and unpopular ones, deserves merit. It’s good that fandom is not a monolith especially in this because this topic and og!cale’s experiences are so relatable.

Here’s a summary of my stand

Being a good parent to Basen and Lily doesn’t mean he was a good father to og!Cale even if og!Cale does love him

Og!Cale doesn’t need to forgive or forget what Deruth did in the worst time of their lives because he loves him

Deruth is afraid, I get that. But if he remains afraid, his hope for reconciliation isn’t gonna pan out as he hopes to.

Deruth needs to accept that there is a chance it is too late.

Deruth needs to accept consequences for the negative things he gave to og!cale, unintentional or not. Even if og!Cale understands why he did what he did.

Did I just log into my dormant account to post this? Yes.

Is this longer than I intended? Also, yes.

Are my fanfic bunnies dead yet? Maybe.

Hope somebody enjoys this one.