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alterousuggestion · 9 months

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alterous attraction is like,, i know you exist. i have felt you before. please stop by again

#i hung out with an old friend #who was the person i first felt alterously towards #and maybe still do deep down and #it’s such a peaceful feeling. and i felt so safe. and warm.#there were no butterflies or anything like that just a sigh of relief like ! oh ! i’d forgotten what it felt like to be loved how i want to #text #admin post #aro #aromantic #alterous #alterous attraction #aroace #tertiary attraction #queer platonic partner #txt

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dogrocks · 8 months

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an au where dovewing trains in the dark forest instead of ivypool....

#draws #warrior cats #dovewing #ivypool #dovewing still has her powers and all that but the df decides to manipulate her instead. seeing how she could be a lot of use to them #she knows what she's doing by siding with them because she resents being part of a prophecy against her will #along with other things like lion and jay looking down at her. feeling replaced by hollyleaf etc #and is like well at least i'm liked for who i am here. and by the time she realises they're using her as well she's kinda in too deep #turned one of the prophecy cats against them. she gets redeemed in the end though because i heart her #idk what role ivypool would play in this au maybe she still spies by sneaking into the df since dovewing probably wouldn’t do it

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b-rainlet · 1 year

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The Green family dynamics are so interesting because like, Viserys is the father but due to his decay he seems more like the grandfather, whereas Otto is the Grandsire but seems to fill out the role of a father more, not only to his daughter but also her children, so he and his daughter are a mother/father unit but in some situations Alicent is treated like a sibling to her children (by Otto) and then you have the obvious Helaena/Aegon happening (siblings who are also husband/wife and mother/father to their children), but at the same time it seems like Aemond is the one trying to be the family's protector and attempting to step up as patriarch, with some of the scenes between him and Alicent giving off the vibes of equals rather than Mother and Son (like when they discuss Aemond finding Aegon) and his relationship with Aegon seeming like he's the big brother and not the other way around, in this essay I will-

#ALSO the way Aemond tries so hard to be the perfect son #In part to make up for Aegon obviously slacking #And also because he feels like he should've been the firstborn son #But do you ever think that maybe he's also jealous of Aegon because Aegon is allowed to fuck up #Again and again #And Alicent still loves him?#Like she obviously is affectionate toward all her children #But imagine trying to be everything your mother wants your older brother to be #And watching your older brother do everything he's not supposed to be #And somehow your mother still supports him and loves him and would quite literally die for him #And like logically you know she would do the same for you #But deep down you're also scared of ever fucking up #Because what if you're not perfect and you fuck up like your brother #And she stops loving you??#What if you're not the golden son she never needs to worry about #And she just isn't willing to tolerate your bs the way she tolerates your brother's #What a punch in the face that would be #Anyway don't mind me I am just clawing my eyes out #hotd #aemond targaryen #aegon ii targaryen

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daily-hanamura · 4 months

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#p4 #p4g #persona 4 #persona 4 golden #hanamura yosuke #yosuke hanamura #weak when i think about early yosuke constantly living under the surveillance of the townpeople #in a way it kind of explains his reluctance in trying to connect with them (like in the magician manga) which is itself very complex #but for someone who's always on the lookout #for someone whos constantly checking his own behaviour and making sure hes not doing anything that could be perceived as negative #even if he did want to become better friends with kou and daisuke its hard to extend any trust to them #yosuke didnt understand why they were trying to be friendly with him -- to some extent i think its because he just didnt trust them #that they weren't trying to get him to relax so he would do something wrong and then inaba will have one more reason to dislike him #its an overthinking thing!!!#but with yu? he can relax a little because he doesn't expect yu to betray him in that manner.#at the end of the day #after the liquor store and the shadow yosuke incident #yosuke KNOWS that yu is someone that has his back #amd maybe that knowledge is still a little tentative because hes still unwilling to be fully honest with yu during their early friendship #but deep down he has the evidence that yu is on his side. he wants to believe that yu will continue to be on his side. :')#and this first friendship is what enables him to actually form more meaningful bonds with other people #i mean. after saki and the blowback from him trying to connect with saki.#is it any wonder that he's a bit reticent #but ah look. hes still doing that thing where he puts on an air of nonchalance and confidence and plays it off with a joke #even as it bothers him. :')#he's good with his queue

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oatbugs · 5 months

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Jack Marsh (2005), Friendship Otherwise - Toward a Levinasian Description of Personal Friendship

#saw carnation lily lily rose by john singer seargent irl today. it was basically at my doorstep all along idk why i never went to see it #it was placed at a corner in the gallery. me and my friend sat down and sketched the paintings of beautiful naked people quite badly. paper #provided by tate britain. she told me about how she couldnt look her boyfriend in the face after a harrowing film about war. when i say the #interview was informal i mean the person who was supposed to be my boss told me let me get you a cider and then he said after #50 years of life he knows people are inherently good and it only takes a little bit of kindness to save this world. he said he tricked #his wife into keeping the baby and then he said he quit his job at a US bank to help people find meaning and in it #he would have liked to find meaning. instead he started climbing with his friends. he said he chews his cigarettes because its a habit from #when he had to hide things from people. the entire time i felt uncomfortable and incredibly enlightened. this is my friends mentor. she has #his pattern of pauses and expletive and penchant for ends-justify-means attitude. i do think im not very clever #but maybe one day i will love you enough to make up for it. i wrote code i dont understand staring at the final error i thought about how #we both thought of how when we're too old to remember the voices of our friends we would like to stand in the pathway of the LHC beam pipe #cut it open and eat light in the freezing cold vacuum (kills you long before radiation will) the invisible puncture wound unfolding dna #back to the start larger than you ever were. you go to heaven once youve been to hell. my friend is in my bed #practicing calculations of eigenvectors by hand and she is uninterested in a visual proof you are uninterested in incompetence #we catch a train this is your kind of burden you tragic hero wincing at that word you only do this because you have to. im the only one #who can. i am a coward in this for the fucking poetry. the visual proofs. the pretty numbers. an architect who was horrible at maths wanted #to be a philosopher and accidentally ended up neck in deep in 70th Error On Visual Studio Code i want to kiss your eyes before we say #goodbye we both know there is no love in the way there should be. I still have your dress in my wardrobe. i hope you make art.#you think im alright head-wise i think you fucking hate me i think ill never be so clever you want me to tell you my idea?#if you wanted more of this world i would have liked to kiss you harder. we cant both be like this. im sorry i cant be with you the whole wa #the love is gone if you have to ask it. his breath catches his eyes feel stiff it is -1.9 kelvin he is near the beam pipe i miss holding #his hand i miss her singing voice i miss his hair and i found the antonym of pain thank you for carrying me home.

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dungeons-and-dragon-age · 2 months

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"It's just you now. Take care of mother."

i have the normal amount of emotions about them (lying) <3

#a redraw but also not really cus i ended up tracing a lot from the old one hfldsjdfs #it was only supposed to be for reference but i ended up keep messing w it instead of redrawing it proper......#feel like i got his expression down better in the old one; looks more strained/ hearbroken like i feel #but thats fine #my art #my ocs #oc: liam hawke #i'm still not sure if liam or varric is the one who deals the killing blow #love both the thought of liam having his own sisters blood on his hands and never being able to wash it off fully #or his (future) best friend saving him that fate but now having that stand between them #cus liam would be grateful for it but part of him would always remember that and hold it against him #(both options also make the bartrand encounter crunchy in slightly different ways)#either way in that moment he kind of hates varric for even just being there. and fenris too #(though tbh im not sure how realistic it would be for him to take sb else except bethy and varric down into the deep roads)#((so maybe in canon fen wouldnt be there idk. havent decided this yet either))#logically he knows its not fair ofc but it just feels like an invasion of privacy. it feels Wrong.#they have no place in this they shouldnt have been there they shouldnt have been part of it they shouldnt have seen him like this #but its sth that binds them too #the rest of the trek is miserable and awkward for all of them in any case #but yeah.#idk if they would be able to bury her down here properly so maybe they end up doing it via lava?#theyre not leaving her body out in the open to rot and/or become food for darkspawn or spiders thats for sure

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 9 months

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yk, its weird being Way Too Aware & In Control of yourself bc technically i believe im having a panic attack. but somehow i am Very Unbothered by this, bc i know whats happening and its illogical. my body's having an overreaction and i couldn't be fucked to join in

#im sitting here casually looking up symptoms to make sure this is a Panic attack and not a Heart attack #got those heart palpies got that chest pain got that sense of Derealization got that shortness of breath #i even feel a lil faint! ive even got a hot flash goin on! tightness in the throat! the whole enchilada #and yet! im somehow vibing...#my body's throwing a fit smh calm down bro its not that bad...#maybe you'll calm down if i drink some water and eat some fruit <3 #shoulda known this was coming... was lying awake at 4 am with really bad palpatations s. m. h.#honestly! this is very annoying!#my vision tried to tunnel exactly Once but i fought it off. idiot meatsuit....#breathing exercises and internal mantras babeyyyyyy i got this shit on Lock #oh! and look at that! my heart is finally chilling out #still gonna eat water and drink fruit #yall should do that too. at least the water part #go drink water! go! shoo!#hydrate or diedrate! always pick hydrate!#absolutely unprompted #alright well that was fun. only lasted for about *checks nonexistent watch* over an hour #i dont think ive had one that bad before! it really tried to Get Me!#had to fight off the deep sense of dread and rising panic with a mental broom!!#finishing my rebels rewatch helped but still. damn. these demons have hands #my brain: OH WE'RE DYING WE'RE DYING ITS A HEART ATTACK WE'RE GONNA DIE AND ROT FOR DAYS BEFORE OUR BODY IS FOUND OH GOD ITS HAPPENING #hard cut to me vibing with a martini.... wii music on blast... hawaiian shirt On and Unbuttoned...#anyway. drink some water. get some fruit. Thrive!

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cak31ssuperi04 · 3 months

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Henna not being back in any capacity in the second Mariposa movie gives me two impressions:

1). untapped potential for a 3rd movie where we get Henna reformation or some such.

2).

Mariposa: I wonder how Henna's doing out there.

Willa: ..... what if she's dead 😧

Mariposa: 😨

Honestly it's entirely possible that she IS dead; a lot of her control over the Skeezites hinged on the promise of invading Flutterfield, and we can see their patience wearing thin throughout the movie. It's possible her failure to follow through would be the final straw, and that her lights would only be able to carry her so far when her entire army is against her. I do like the potential for another sequel to tie up that loose end though, in no small part because "dramatic revenge declaration followed by offscreen death that's never mentioned" is just kind of anticlimactic. Even if it's been a decade and that ship has sailed at this point. We could've had it all. Two fairy trilogies. Also consider: The Skeezites don't seem to be a threat--or even present at all-- in Fairy Princess. They're not once brought up unless in past tense. Regellius brings up Flutterfield defeating them when that's not necessarily how it happens in the first movie(which she does point out but focuses more on the method than the outcome so it's still unclear). Yeah they succeed in driving them off, but if Mariposa's quest or the fact that they've been terrorizing the kingdom for centuries says anything, it's that there are probably way more hanging around than Henna's immediate army. I'm imagining a midquel where she manages to get the Skeezites to hold out for a little longer so she can get her Revenge Plan in, and Flutterfield deals with them for good.

#My biggest thing at the moment would just be that Mariposa specified that it never came down to a fight #so I'd have to consider a Non-Fighty way to do that. Big magic.#She does have the flutterflower so I guess traveling wouldn't be that much of a danger but that gift was framed as more for #sentimental value than for protection.#Bringing Marabella back to life restored flutterfield to its status quo but didn't get rid of the skeezites or anything.#And like yeah they have the thistleburst lights now so maybe transportation is no big deal #maybe the skeezites stopped hunting butterfly fairies when they realized they had some form of defense.#But they're such a non-presence it's still just weird. Walk with me here.#It's still been too long to bring the series back but. Mariposa 1.5 where we find out where Rayla and Rayna and Zinzie went #pieceofcake.txt #cakeasks #Was so deep in Henna Denial when I found out she wasn't going to be the villain in Fairy Princess that my mind just instinctively went #'Oh wow she's aged a lot since the 1st movie'#In my mind if she survives she could maybe eventually get a redemption but she wouldn't continue living in Flutterfield #cakeart #The dialogue for the image was heavily paraphrased but inmy defense my internet has been supreme dogwater lately #So I was working off memory at like 4 am

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dreamlogic · 14 days

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musing in the tags about the view two years out from my hysterectomy and the shifting nature of neuropathy. i asked my PT for recommendations/resources pertaining to pain science and that's been a very helpful lenses to have. i'm still not back to normal, will never be unmarked by this experience or return to my pre-op self, but my baseline has been gradually increasing over the last few months, and it feels good to look back on the last two years and say "i have no idea how i managed to function while living with that, but i did!"

#meatsuit renno #chronic blogging #ctxt #at first post-hysto pain was a deep burning ache #and eventually that lessened on my left side and settled in for the long haul on the right #after a couple weeks it had started to feel like a small carnivorous creature scrabbling and gnawing at the inside of my abdomen #nestled into the hollow of my pelvis and reaching up with its raking claws #about 6 months in and the creature still chewed occasionally but had shrunk to the size of a tennis ball under my right incision site #it clamped its jaws down and went to sleep and i perpetually felt like someone had pinched a fold of my insides with a large binder clip #this constant awful twisting tug every time i moved that kept me from straightening up or breathing fully #this is about a year into recovery and my original surgeon has blown off my requests for follow-up treatment three times now #i carried on as best i could. fatigue and brainfog getting worse & worse as the pain wore on unrelentingly #about a year and a half into recovery it worsened again. searing lancing pain like i'd been impaled on a piece of white hot rebar #couldn't hardly move. couldn't think straight. couldn't sleep #finally checked myself into urgent care & then the ER just to try to get someone anyone to take me seriously and help me #finally got a referral to a new surgeon who immediately pinned it as extreme neuropathy #started gabapentin end of december last year and the relief was immediately #i never thought i would welcome the gritted teeth vice grip of my little feral pain creature #but when i felt the molten spike slide out to be replaced once more by its worrying jaws #the intermittent spark and fizzle of that pinching squirming pain was a dramatic improvement #then i started PT in march and slowly so slowly the creature's hungry grip is loosening #it still clamps down occasionally. maybe once every week or two i'll have a day when i just accept #that there will be a horrible little creature chewing on my right side from the inside #but nowadays with the gabapentin doing as much as it can and an exercise routine i must stick to religiously to supplement PT #the pain is more of a little pearl of dark matter shifting around under my skin #it's incredibly dense. the heart of a black hole of disabling agony. all that white hot fury condensed into a slick heavy marble #as i recover some of my strength and energy i can feel my body coating it in nacreous layers to minimize its influence #my hysterectomy was 2 years and 4 days ago today and i feel like i can finally finally say i'm beginning to truly heal #i suspect i'll always carry this pearl in my side like shrapnel. product of damaged nerve tissue that went untreated for far too long #i wish my original surgeon had been more competent more attentive less lazy & indifferent to my pain. but i still don't have any regrets.

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chemicalarospec · 3 months

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it makes me sad how many aspec posts (and videos and other individual-generated content) are just being upset about this depiction or that one. we NEED more (semi-mainstream) aspec rep so bad, so that nobody has to feel hurt when 1 kind of aspec that they are not is represented and the only 1 they see :(

#wait have u guys ever seen 'the dangers of a single story' TED talk bc that's what happening to aspecs rn #except many of us also idnetify with the 'single story' so we get hurt when ppl criticize it as bad rep and unrealistic #we NEED to eliminate the single story to stop the aspec negativity chamber. except as individuals we really... can't.#that's another sad part: we can write our own indie stories but it won't really help the root problem bc it won't be popular #enough for a majority of aspecs to see. there will still only be a handful of portrayls most aspecs won't relate to and thus not like #aroace #aro #ace #apl #aspec #aromantic #asexual #aplatonic #arospec #i mean i'll be real we could do a communial magazine but proper publishedor smth but the problem is when it's all centered around 1 identit #having a story frequently becomes incidental... at least that's why i think that sort of thing doesn't really appeal to me in general #i said this #or maybe it's just me thinking of Common Bonds being uninteresting to me #maybe bc i really am apl-spec deep down despite having a very alloplt/plt-normative mindset still

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scalproie · 5 months

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Domesticated Post-Tekken 2 Era Kazuya is my favorite to think about because this would be so good for him and everyone else but he would have an absolutely miserable time during it

#like I dont think he would REALLY miss the rich ceo lifestyle bc i dont see it as smth he ASPIRES to but as a means to give himself power #if you (jun) somehow manage to convince him that he does not actually NEED power then i think hes adaptable enough to ajust to a humble life #and the whole being rich thing fed into his worst traits #but I think being close to jun all the time would be torture for him bc he would CONSTANTLY be confronted to his own faulty morality #he cant help feeling above other common people bc he endured much more pain and hardships at 5yo than them in a lifestyle-#but he cannot act on his superiority complex about them bc Its Not The Right Thing To Do #he looks at his newborn son and feel *nothing* before feeling frustration and irritation toward *himself*#bc hes smart enough to know he SHOULD be feeling smth #and if he relunctantly admit this to jun she would tell him that if the best he can do (for now) is to not wish or do any harm on jin-#then it is good enough and he should not beat himself up about it (which he doesnt. but he does)#and even jun. she is another person he could lose and he knows deep down he would be happier without her #but being near her bring back to life smth that died years ago at the bottom of that cliff #and he wont admit it but hes scared to lose it again. even if right now its brings him nothing but discomfort and pain #hes not even sure if he *loves* her. and when he asks her whats in it for her. why she stays with him #(not out of self-consciousness but genuine confusion) she just smiles at him because he IS considering the feelings of someone else #like she is so understanding and he genuinely does try and its a really slow healing process #hes still gonna stay a little bit of a prick smug at times but at least he will be immensely more chill out #and even maybe fall in love with jun *jun* down the line. characters that fall in love with each other years into the relationship👍#and his whole exploration of fatherhood with jin. him vaguely recalling smth nice jinpachi (or god forbid. HEIHACHI pre-cliff) did to him #and doing the same to jin out of the blue for the sake of experimentation #and jin's positive reaction making him FINALLY AT LAST feel some tiny tiny thing for his son.#also for all her tree-hugger talk. jun is right meditating in the forest DOES help kaz a lot #anyway. yeah👍#tagging later #tekken

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runefactorynonsense · 7 months

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Cozytober - Day 26 - Catnap

#Cozytober #Margot's RF Art #rune factory #rf1 #rf #This sketch was actually done back on June 6th of this year. I was knee deep in my Seattle vacation planning/stress and never finished it--#I think I'd just found Home Run Derby tickets finally?? Or not long after that. And I was still scared to death I was making a mistake.#Silly past Margot! It was the best day of your life!#So I remember I did this sketch as just general human pose practice after someone else did the 'tree nap' pose of their OCs.#And so I grabbed it for today's prompt because!! I still liked how the anatomy turned out!#Context my brain goes with;#if I subscribe to the 'Raguna on the run from the Empire' theory then I strongly lean toward the Lynette pairing.#Safe life in Kardia- doesn't feel like the right context most of the time. Not bad. Just. Not as interesting a story.#On the run- This feels like just... a smart choice. Group up once those Empire targeting efforts escalate.#Perhaps he has to deal with the painful compromise and necessity of her lethality because he might be more likely to survive #And he WANTS to survive #AKA- if you can escape. Escape. He's good at it. But if the situation comes down to it.... Lynette can make sure who walks out.#And to reverse the pov- maybe a bit of atonement on her part? All the blood is only on her hands. She'll keep it that way. Let her do that.#He shouldn't have to. It's all her fault anyway.#Also please laugh at me as it took me half an hour to remember the word COMPROMISE. I was so mad.#Rune Factory Raguna #RF Raguna #Rune Factory Lynette #RF Lynette #another ship tag to fill #Raguna x Lynette

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6-2-aestheticsofhate · 3 months

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Something I can't help but think is a little funny is that so many people look at Gabriel and try to figure out why he Acts Like That and they give him a mental illness/disorder they either have or have experience with. Anyways my working theory is that its low empathy autism

#i think like. okay you know how hakita literally took the time to explain during the dev stream recently that like #that gabriel audio on ferrys ship was to show how he acts to most people and not when hes fighting someone #and hes nice! hes polite!#i think gabriel is generally a nice guy but he has low empathy and struggles with black and white thinking #i think every time he had a realization hey maybe this thing me and the council is doing is fucked up one of them is able to convince him #its not because theyre the supreme authority in gods absence and god would approve and god is good #but gabriel would still feel deep down that something is wrong but wouldnt DO anything abt it #not trying to absolve gabriel of all the shit he was complacent in its more like. i do think the idea of him having black and white thinkin #and looking the other way when it comes to other angels doing bad because of course theyre good is an interesting thing to explore #i am putting this guy under a microscope. essentially.#also ive seen people say he has bpd and i dont know enough abt that to weigh in. also too busy shooting him with the autism ray

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13eyond13 · 4 months

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A surprise fun fact you might not know about me given what a lawlight head I am -I like "friends to lovers" way more than "enemies to lovers"

#i cant even think of any enemies to lovers that im really into?#and id probably even prefer 'lovers to enemies' like idk #enemies to lovers when has that ever compelled me #never?#i wouldnt even categorize lawlight as that unless you write it that way in a fic i suppose #'bitter exes with a bunch of history/baggage who probably still want to bang deep down but wont admit it' seems good #like whatever the two old guys in x-men have going on #but again that's 'lovers to enemies' not the other way around #or maybe it's 'friends to lovers to enemies'#so if you do all that first THEN maybe ill consider enemies to lovers but you gotta work for it a bunch #p

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oatbugs · 2 months

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idk how to live so im going to talk to myself out loud until i do

#listen. take a deep breath. i know your bpm is high but you need to think with me for a second.#remember that you are paper thin. all your facets are sheets of paper and what you gave her is just another one.#make a new one. you dont need it. you dont need her to see you. i know you think you need her but you will be okay. i know its hard.#you wish you could have shown her how you loved her. listen to yourself. you are made of paper.#she might be concrete or maybe wood or maybe gold. you need to start laying your roots elsewhere. shut that thought down #and blink and listen. the parts you keep thinking of arent lost. they still happened and they are yours to keep.#there is beauty in this loss. tell me about the beauty in this loss. its okay to think about it. you got to see it all and nothing more #and this is great because it would have been bad. you know it would be violent in a way you dont need. you know this to be true.#you are going to look at that empty space in her shape and youre going to fill it with everything that happened when you knew her.#the memories with her but then also the the way your friends talked you through it. the game with the clovers.#your first allergic reaction you almost died and you couldnt stop laughing and you were held so close to their hearts.#learning the names for all the floursecent gene tracking dyes that everyone else knows already. about the exam - listen again.#i know you think if you fail your life is over but you need to try your best. youre not going to get a good grade in a uni test for the fir #youre going to make up for it. youre going to make sure you make up for it. do you understand? i love you. you have to do this.#right now you need to sit up. breathe. i know your heart hurts. go to the living room. grab something to eat. i dont care if you feel full.#youre going to clean your mattress heater. youre going to study a bit longer and then youre going to sleep. youre going to tell your mother #im sorry and i might genuinely fail a test. shes going to tell you its okay. if you do badly in this course you can just become a neurosurg #just agree. dont argue right now. its okay. youre okay. you are paper thin. i know any puncture hurts.#breathe. think of your friends. think of their hands in yours. it isnt eternal.youve lived through worse. the empty sky is still beautiful.#the lack of her is still beautiful

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helianskies · 22 days

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ugly maths.

i hate maths, right. i don't usually like numbers, and if i do like numbers it's gotta be an 8 or a 48 and nothing else.

thing is, i've recently caught myself doing maths again. ugly maths. the kind of maths that, really, i've been trying to avoid as much as possible because, well, it's ugly!

you... wanna see?

okay, fine... but don't say i didn't warn you!

ugly, see? look at all those numbers! not a 48 in sight!

huh? what's that? you don't see what i'm on about? oh... oh! hang on, lemme just—

better? yes? no? no? okay, what if i—

mmh, yes. ugly numbers. see it now? can you see why they're ugly?

here, i can make it worse.

these numbers are ugly. the maths they make me do is ugly.

now i'll level with you: the worst ones by far are the yellow numbers. the maths they make me do it the ugliest.

why ugly?

because it makes me ugly.

those numbers turn me into not only a suddenly number-obsessed fool, but a fool who also cannot understand these numbers and what they mean and why i feel like they reflect on me and my ability.

87, 75.

the thoughts are as follows:

• the orange numbers are big, so why are you being ugly about the yellow ones? you should be happy with what you have. so many nice big numbers! not everyone receives that.

• is it that there are two different audiences for these two different fics? perhaps. they are quite different works, with different appeals, and different themes. maybe you are reading too much into it.

• why are you obsessing over numbers anyway? you don't like maths! you left maths behind when you were 16, put it down!

okay, okay, fine! i'll put the maths down. right here, in fact!:

that 87 was an 83 at the start of the year. the 6161 it is attached to was a 5453.

4, 708.

ugly maths.

the 75 is a nice number. in fact, compared to 87, it is beautiful, radiant, enchanting. at the start of the year, 75 was 48. wow. now that is one sexy number!

27.

mmmm.

6161, 1061.

5100.

87, 75.

12.

mmmm.

you know, my most favourite comment left recently on a fic of mine was 2 characters long: :(

it made me :)

well, actually, it made me >:) because it was left in response, presumably, to one of the key scenes in a new chapter which left the exact impression on someone that i hoped it would.

they must be the only one who reacted like that, though.

1.

have i mentioned that that 87 and 75 include author responses?

i won't try to do more maths, there. it might not end well for me. the maths is making me tired enough as it is, and i have an early start tomorrow.

oh! but, that being said, i have another set of ugly numbers to show you, so keep 87 and 75 in mind.

ready?

838, 245.

(want a hint? the green numbers!)

838, 87. 245, 75.

9.6, 3.3.

ugly maths. it's ugly again, see? i don't like it. i'm seeing numbers within numbers within numbers, and i can't seem to stop!

the numbers make me ask new questions:

• why is it not good enough?

• people seem to engage more with one fic over the other, so shouldn't you prioritise?

• is all this maths this really good for you?

no, it isn't.

i want to avoid ugly maths. ugly maths makes me want to tear my hair out. it makes me want to start from scratch. it makes me want to grab someone and scream. it makes me want to cry and press a button that has tempted me many times before when the numbers become too ugly to bear.

ugly maths turn me into an ugly person.

ugly maths make me obsessive, paranoid, anxious, regretful, vindictive, spiteful, alone.

i hate maths. i hate numbers, just like, it feels, the numbers hate me.

#helia rants #cw vent #i'm okay but i'm not #this has been playing on my mind over the last couple of weeks #it's aimed at the sky rather than anyone here #i know i'm not the best myself as commenting. i justify it to myself by affirming i don't read much. which i don't.#since the start of the year i have tried to comment on everything i have read #bearing in mind i may also dm someone rather than comment because i want to scream and ramble about their fic more personally #that being said. i know i'm not the only one who finds themselves doing ugly maths #and in turn starting to feel uglier too #i don't like looking at the numbers #i was doing well at the start of the year #but as i open my drafts and look to a new chapter and at the notes i wrote #i can't stop myself from opening the fic. from seeing where it's at. from seeing if it's changed. from checking my inbox to see if...#if only...#what it's meant is that i've come to a point where a fic i loved has become exactly that: a fic i loved. past tense #the other fic is still a fic i love. but i know deep down that that is tied to the numbers too #i hate that this is what i've become #because i have tiny fics. fics with 50 hits and maybe 1 comment. and i love them. i still love them #but when it comes to the big ones. the multi-chapters. the hefty fics. after a point all i see are numbers #and those numbers have come to determine both my happiness and fulfilment as a writer #and so i am ugly. i am sad. i am pathetic.#and i don't know how to stop.#helia's stuff #this was meant to save back into my drafts. i was editing tags. tumblr decided it should post. so... so be it.#also this is not an attention thing if anyone dares go 'oh but you're a good writer uwu' i might do something we'll all regret #this is also not a 'ffs comment on my fics will you 😒' hell no #it's just about me. and my issue. and my unhealthy relationship with these fucking numbers.#gotta get this shit out of my head somehow :)

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