#and maybe that means there's other ppl out there already doing this
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the other day my coworker told a kid to just "squeeze in" next to me. i didn't even really register this remark, i was standing in what was essentially a closet. it's a tight fit for anyone. a few minutes later, she stopped me to apologize for her choice of words. she said she didn't mean to imply anything about my body like that and she wanted to know if i needed anything to feel better.
i am so unaccustomed to anyone else thinking about fat people's needs or feelings that it took me several seconds to even recognize what she was talking about. i didn't know how to respond or what to say. i hadn't registered her comment as potentially fatphobic partially because the space i was in was genuinely very small for an adult of any size but also because i am so used to just not thinking about my body or the ways people are casually cruel to it.
i try to ignore the fact that people scowl and push me in the grocery store. it took my wife pointing out why i am always being slammed into for me to recognize it. i ignore the way people look at me with annoyance on planes or the bus. i ignore the way doctors speak to me, nurses second-guess my words, clothing store employees look at me when i walk into straight size stores.
i ignore when people talk about dieting and weight loss and 'guilty foods' around me, to me, waiting for me to join in on their game. i ignore people's surprise when i talk about enjoying physical activity, eating mostly vegetarian, being a fairly active person
and so it threw me when my thin coworker just...knew what was up. she recognized the potential hurt in her words and came to me about them immediately. i've seen her books about unlearning fatphobia. i know she listens to the same podcast about diet culture and wellness scams that i do. i know it's not just a kindness but an active interest and focus she's undertaking.
it's been a couple weeks but i can't stop feeling seen and known by this. like maybe i can take off those blinders. maybe if i start pointing out people's words, actions, stares, maybe someone will have my back
#personal nonsense#i've been feeling some type of way about this recently#i'm not even kidding about the grocery store thing y'all#every single time i'm in a store#especially trader joe's or our local nice grocery store or berkeley bowl#people SHOVE me#and bang their carts into me#i get really overwhelmed at the store because of it#fatphobia#i will also say my friends and wife are all great about this#it just hits different from a person who's like...a work buddy but not someone i'm super close to#this isn't bc she loves me so fucking much she unlearned stuff#this is bc she's already doing this#and maybe that means there's other ppl out there already doing this
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trying to explain that there has never been a single instance in the show to indicate that jack is intended to be a child/toddler/baby in any way and that all canon actually makes it pretty clear he’s supposed to be a teenager/young adult is like trying to explain that the cheese is under the sauce in a Chicago style pizza
#good night#cal.txt#spn#supernatural#Jack kline#jack spn#toddler!jack#baby jack#baby jack au#fandom crit#spn fandom#spn family#spn famdom#like I don’t know how to tell you this but he is literally just autistic and born-sexy-yesterday#I don’t mind babyjack as a headcanon (I mean I do bc it’s still ableist infantilization & also ruins character discussion around him)#but when ppl try and act like it’s canon fact and throw out That accusation .. hoo boy#I’d stick my foot up y’all’s asses if your heads weren’t already blocking the entrance#I try not to wish too many harsh things on other ppl in the fandom bc I’d hate for anyone to be where I’m in as a fan#but genuinely. babyjack is like if deans comment ab Cas being a baby in a trench coat was taken as solid proof that Cas is actually a baby#maybe I should start drawing baby!cas just to see how you fuckers like it#do you like seeing your fav be reduced to a fucking shell of what they really are? robbed of their personality & established traits?#I sure fucking don’t!#sam winchester#dean winchester#castiel#cas#team free will#tfw2.0#dadstiel
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#sorry im thinking abt death again#because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died#that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from#time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed#i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she#died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way#my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today#for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days#and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt#future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her#last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that#and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving.#sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless#others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club#i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her#stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i#dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my#family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters#probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno.#i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity.#again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a#full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length#unrelated
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if you draw enough monster ocs, when you go back to drawing a human character, it feels like "sameface syndrome" everytime, by virtue of their face being. human.
#toy txt post#or maybe i am just sameface syndrome#but also different face syndrome#two characters will have the same face but then the next time i draw those characters its a different face than they had last time!#i know part of it is being out of practice but also there is definitely an element of feeling constrained by human facial structure lmao#the monsters have Their Own Problems but like. no one has a face like bokrae no matter how inconsistent i am about drawing her#her features are iconic enough to her that you can tell everytime#birdie???? i faceclaimed eartha kitt for her and im still struggling cos i feel weird about faceclaiming as a concept#but even then 😭 one time i was trying to give headloose a face and someone was like wow he looks like birdie!#me 😭😭😭😭😭 what!!!!!! hes not supposed to!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i need to practice. features#you know the worst part about coming up w a bunch of fuckin Scenarios in my brain for ocs is that i have even fucking Drawn them yet#to give them like. iconic staple features and figure out what their faces look like. which feels like it would really help to have that#knowledge and muscle memory before i jump into trying to draw intense scenes with difficult poses!!#not to mention. listen. i can do the monster faces. somewhat. the bodies??????????? well for one. theyre too big everytime#im convinced i could be trying to draw bokrae on like a full ass wall size paper like a mural thing and run out of room. it just keeps#happening. i have no sense of scale for them either. by which i mean i struggle w scale already and also cant decide what i want it to be#and ive tried to handwave it away by being like ohhh uh. birdie casts spells on them to change their sizes for convenience but also#no. perhaps that explanation works for other ppl. @ myself tho its not good enough i Know Better!!!!!!#agh!!!!!!! i really need to figure out bokrae's Teeth also. like i dont. i coukd get away with it. but i should. and i want to.#anyway all this to say that i need to give these characters faces and body designs (actually the body designs for humanoid ocs is the easy#part. the faces are whats stumping me? well. i need more practice w all the body types again but like i Know what im Going For at least.#for the most part anyway. havent fully figured out heights. struggling w characters that i want to make short but give imposing tall energy#on occasion? birdie can be short all day long no problem. I want Alasdair to be short enough that he has a bunch of short boyfriends that#feel tall around him? bytte was going to be like 6ft max but then i thought about making her taller and like. what if i made her taller#headloose is not that /short/ but he is Not Tall and prolly pretty lean? twink build for sure#and of course all these short /tall distinctions come with a bias of relativity to my own height which i categorize as medium height#but short ppl call me tall and insist its not average and tall ppl call me short. (5'6) and then i have to factor in how the gender changes#the dynamic of a height like my height is Short For A Man but medium to tall for a Woman. which id argue is medium height bc mens heights#are socially held to high standards (hehe) and also i know ethnicity/race is also a factor? but im out of tags. rip. bye
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If no one's got me at least I know getting more tattoos that everyone around me hates has got me
#booked double session first weekend of november#shit is gonna be soooo good#i really just want to make it into a full sleeve#but noooo im being responsible with a half sleeve for employment#which means i had to cut some elements i wanted#maybe one day. i can add the other things i want#im already working on a sun design for my back between the shoulders. close to the chest yknow#im not doing it out of spite im doing it for me#but also i am so tired of being merely tolerated. i want to be loved and liked for me#smthn smth amy spent gladiator ppl will laugh....when they do get new ones in completely garish hues#do it alone do it scared do it weird
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halfway thru my first drivers ed session. idk if i can do this aftually lol
#purrs#there’s like 30+ ppl in the class and most of them are high schoolers who already have like at least 20-30 hrs and i have 3. also the#instructor is really nice and means well but she is also a little clueless and she embarrassed me in front of everyone (or maybe i#embarrassed myself) bc she had us all introduce ourselves and say what we like to do and i said play video games and she was like oh are you#a bit of a gamer 👀 have you been to any of those conventions. LIKE 💀😭 NO I JUST PLAY SILLY LITTLE PET GAMES…..#but ajyways um. i don’t have enough driving experience to start behind the wheel lessons yet 💀💀💀💀💀 and we r watching videos rn and it’s so s#scary like istill have such trouble even maneuvering the car around how am isupposed to develop situational awareness and be driving on high#hihways and shit. this is so overwhelming. it’s like ‘every moment ur behind the wheel u and the ppl around u are at risk’ well idont want t#to be at risk or risk others lives. but also i need to move out. help 💔💖#anyways this class has INSANELY long breaks (like 15+ mins thank god) and we might be able to end early every day too so. fingers crossed it#wont be that bad and i’ll actually retain stuff and learn to drive fucking finally. but im so scared#also on thursday we are watching a video depicting a graphic c*r cr*sh so. that’s just fucking great#drivers ed tag
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#personal#ok whatever. ive decided to go all in. like what?? am i just gonna sit around hoping he'll message me???#someone has to make a move and CLEARLY it has to be me NDNNDJDJDJDJDJDJSJ#tho to be fair its like. holidays JJDJDJDJDJD#i also dont know if ive mentioned this detail. but im 2 years older. so idk if That also plays a factor.#like maybe thats intimidating. idk#i just !!!! dont want this chance to pass by. so im gonna like.... Make Moves even if !!!!! it means that he'll know i like him#like ...... ok assuming he doesnt already know NDJJDJDJDJD#im sure i get GooGoo eyes u know#but n e way...... literally i have nothing to lose#like i have more to lose if i do nothing JDJJDJDJDJDJND#hhhhh god. ive been thinking about this for days. weeks even maybe. hhhhhhhhhhhh.....#but also like i think itll just be good to hang iut as friends for a bit bc like ik him in a school setting and ive hung out with him#(along with others) outside of school twice#but like... ya idk id like to know him better b4 im like YA UR THE ONE.#tho like im already thinking he is NDJJDJDJFJFJ. god............ it could just be a culmination of different things making me think that#and like i think ppl can have multiple 'the ones' or whatever#and like idk b4 him i was actually settled on being single LMAO. so like my options are pretty stacked already#like ok 1. him. and 2. me. i mean......... thats 10/10....#i'll be heartbroken if he doesnt feel the same or we dont work out but..... i mean.... whatever JDJXJXJDJZMZM#i was fine b4 i met him and i'll be fine after........
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Me vs FF14 part... 2?
It's taken me pretty much three full days of running from cutscene to cutscene. But I've finally reached Heavensward.
And like... on some level? I'm kind of offended?
Like, a part of me genuinely wants to replay the entire game from the start "as something else" (different main-class, different race, different starting-area, whichever), because the dungeon-queuing system is actually really fun when you start to Understand it.
As in, FF14 has somehow made an MMO that has almost eliminated the feeling that it is a level-grind? Partially? It's turned the whole thing into a surprisingly comfortable level of (limited, but genuine) social interaction.
To the point where even someone who isn't obsessively grind-focused like me, can genuinely enjoy themselves. Just queuing up for dungeons, Hunting some bounties, and-...
And then FF14 has so many fucking quests that it literally chokes the life out of the gameplay.
As an example, one of their biggest dungeon-draws (bcs high rewards) is a quest that almost everyone hates playing. Because doing that dungeon means watching literally eighteen minutes of unskippable cutscenes.
And that's with them having reduced the amount of cutscenes in that dungeon, because the players complained so much about them.
Like... I'd be perfectly happy replaying the game from the start with a different character, even knowing that leveling isn't some kind of pain-free thing. But the thought of having to restart the fucking Main-Quest? Of having to spend literal days just running back-and-forth to cutscenes?
I'm currently feeling a bit burned-out as a result of the binge I went on to get here, but I'm pretty damn sure that I wouldn't replay this fucking thing even if you paid me for it.
(And, of course, Heavensward also has a Main-Quest continuation that you have to follow. And now I'm not even allowed to fly everywhere to cut down on the "running back-and-forth"-part of my complaints. Not until they arbitrarily allow me to discover flight for the new areas, by going through even more of the Main-Quest.)
(Not to mention that now I have to go back and do even more Class-quests, with their own cutscenes, in order to unlock a bunch of skills.)
(I'm very fond of the "the church is evil because it doesn't let you fuck dragons"-meme, and I'm very much seeing it. But like... come the fuck on. Why is this MMO a feature-length movie-series? Why can't I just play the game and have fun?)
#and yes. i'm very much aware that ''you can do anything with one character''#bcs everyone gets one (1) race-changing potion. and classes can be switched out super-easily. but that's not the point.#video games#ff14#rants#personal stuff#also like... i'm unemployed and waiting for my classes to begin a few weeks from now. i have INFINITE free-time.#and i still feel like ff14 is actively trying to waste my time by ''telling a story'' that should be in a single-player game.#... actually. that'd explain a lot. did the writers of this game learn to write from single-player games?#is that why there are so many cutscenes and minor characters to constantly juggle? did nobody tell them that they were making an MMO?#(the feeling of going ''all-in'' on the genuineness in the cutscenes even when it's corny as shit? good.)#(being forced to sit through cutscene after cutscene instead of actually playing the game? bad.)#like... even just the dungeon-cutscenes? to some degree it's expected that you SHOULD skip them? bcs you're making others wait?#(and during the Raids. that means outright being left behind. ain't nobody stopping for anyone.)#so you're losing a massive bit of story-telling. bcs it's trying to tell that story in the WORST place.#it's a good story? i guess? but it's so fucking inconvenient to _play the game around_ that it feels more like a chore than an adventure.#and in a single-person game? i think it'd be great. maybe not entirely my kettle of fish. but genuinely good. but as an MMO?#like i get that a lot of it has been added onto it over the span of YEARS and that ppl playing it since launch would've been desperate#for new content. despite how the amount of content seems incredibly overwhelming for new players.#but jesus fuck. at least let people wanting to start a new character to just... skip the fucking thing? they've already seen it once.#* nevermind. they thought of that. they're selling ''story-skip''-potions for 10$. wow. just... wow.
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the way they started griddying toward him like a bunch of zombies activating their zombie shuffle when they spot you in a post apocalyptic survival game
the way the cast it wrapped makes it accentuate ja's snatched waist 😭 tatum, please, pls tatum, I need you. You guys can make out while grabbing each others hips (ja has to have his locs down tho)
my little gumdrop !!!!!!!
ofc jaren steals multiple pairs, gayass
a 5 year old showing me his lollipop that is completely covered in 200% hair & dust ( he wants me to try it )
#year of the dragon shoes is a fire concept tho this shoe is beautiful#im glad they didnt fuck it up and make it look like christmas#i was too poor to even be a poor sneakerhead as a kid so i always feel this weird ick buying extravagant things so i just never do#i have to get peerpressured by my friends all the time#but then im so used to not buying good things for myself that i just never end up using the good things#either bcs i dont want to get them dirty/broken or i dont think it's a good enough opportunity to show out#so they just collect dust then i feel bad abt it collecting dust but i cant use it or ill feel bad abt using it#im a guy who has like three different pairs of shoes max#but im not cheap on others. i love spending well on ppl who arent me#it's just im so used to giving/spending my money on others that the idea of myself in the equation is too gross by now#the white blue and gold is so pretty#blue laces or maybe like a dragon design on them would be coldd#does his necklace so tm??#i mean his real name is temetrius so ig???#jaren scuttling away with his loot like a happy mouse swiping a slice of cheese#jaren#ja#gg#ja having to let them know theyre one of his top pairs so theyll truly understand the merit of the gift like they didnt already#these are HOOPERS ja. anything shoe.. they slobber over. dont worry abt appreciation. look at their faces. they love it
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finally snowed for more than a dusting. went to crazy and shovelled sooooo many driveways. arms sore and i'm so cold but worthhhhhh...
#i dooo get paid for one of them so.....#and omggg i'm so embarrassed#so ok. our new next door neighbours haven't talked to us much so idk much about them#and we used to shovel the driveway for the lady who used to live there bc she was older and disabled and our driveways r very close#like. touching eachother#my bf said our roofs were kissing the houses are angled close to eachother. regardless.#so the snows piling up and the cars not there so i figure i'll at least shovel a path to the front door/garage so they can plug their car in#and i'm wearing big headphones to protect my ears from the wind / because the windchill made it -30 out of nowhere.#and i saw that their shovel was broken too!!! so of course i'm gonna shovel their yard....#so im doin my thang. shovelling. i do it in a weird ish pattern but that's just how i prefer to do it#and i'm always nervous about being up at ppls doors when i shovel so i'm already on edge#AND I TURN TO FINISH UP AND THEIR KID IS GETTING HOME FROM SCHOOL#maybe like. 7-9th year aged. idk#younger than me of course but i'm a little wimp so i squeak like a dumbass#and just go 'sorry!' before running off to shovel the other side of the road 😭😭😭#i would've done more if that girl hadn't scared me off....#nice little kick of anxiety for me for today.... but.... i mean#and like. i was up in their front yard. i shovelled out a path to their compost/garbage bins so they could still put those out#i did the steps.... i must have looked like a little freak that family has like never seen me i never leave the house.......
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happy 2024 my first meal of the year was Weird Leftovers :D homemade lefse (soft flat bread), that my mom made from a late viking age/early medieval recipe. stuffed full of smoked mackerel that our neighbor fished. eaten in bed. while continuously picking out fish bones. Truly an Experience
#gave my mom a book on medieval food culture for christmas#our fridge was already full of a BUNCH of the ingredients needed (cause christmas food is already borderline medieval)#so we've been eating like filthy rich farmers from the 800s for like a week.#shoutout to the neighbor for always giving us fish. what a ledge. what would we do without him#vitpost#the book is also rly funny because it's full of anecdotes by other europeans back in the day who were just out there#talking shit about nordic cuisine. telling ppl our cheese was full of worms :( that we only drank spoiled milk :(#how about you have some Skyr and maybe you'll calm down#unpopular opinion: nordic food is good actually. people are just mean :( it's not all meatballs and potatoes and slow cooked sheep heads#sure I'm eating smoked fish full of bones out of a slab of flour. but that's a me problem.#we have other food too.
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Sometimes I want to read my friends' fics bc like... friends! Their fics! But then like... my brain reminds me the only fic I read is dmcl.
#DCB Comments#i have the desire to read my friends' fics but my interests are so strict abt it!!!#i mean there's one other ship i am considering reading fic for but it's not even fe#other than that i don't even read tellius fics bc tbh the only tellius fics i would read#would be shinaff and i and like maybe five other ppl tops even ship it so that's just#not happening out of its lack of existence LOL. sadge.#but like... what i write does not equal what i can read. i only seem to have the drive to actually /read/ dmcl#also one of my biggest issues with tellius fics is similar to the lorenz issue#i don't trust most ppl to correctly characterize shinon. with lorenz ppl don't actually#write him in character most of the time. he's written with clear and intended disdain from almost every writer i've ever seen write him#with shinon i completely do not trust that anyone except like me and five other ppl don't just#ignore all his character traits and all the facets of his personality. most ppl reduce him to what they WANT him to be#and not what he actually is. nobody EVER writes abt his care for children. his generosity toward his friends#how he canonically returned to the GMs and stuck by them regardless of where they went/what they did#how he - having been poor all his life by inference of dialogue - does what he can to stop them from being poor#he could leave at any time with his skills and get work anywhere he wanted. he doesn't bc he grew out of that desire#once he felt he had a place he truly fit in with. nobody writes him as the complex human being he canonically is written as#he's just ''the asshole who doesn't like ike'' and we know what the other part is that i won't get into#or we will be here for another few hours of me debunking ppl's bullshit. but yeah. shinon is basically like#the central reason i do not touch tellius fics with a thousand foot pole. i don't trust ANYONE with him unless i already know you#and that even if you don't like him i can at least trust you'd still write him in character and not just as#the obvious character you only wrote in to bash. even reading dmcl is difficult when i can tell the writer#doesn't give a shit abt writing lorenz in character and just uses him to be annoying and shit#aside dmcl being a hyperfixation yeah... that's some reasons why i do not read other fics#not that that is related directly to my friends' writing - that's bc my brain lightbulb only turns on with dmcl content#also why i have not read gautier content. i think it's changing now but like in general#the vast majority of the fandom i do NOT trust to actually understand miklan's character/story/motivations#bc he's basically just tossed aside as the pure evil villain who uwu hurt sylvain#i think myself and some other miklan lovers have helped fix that a bit with hopes' help#but i've loved miklan since before hopes came out so that's why i never bothered trusting gautier content either
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i keep getting irrationally miffed at ppl 😐😐
#'impressed by how much u can talk abt this considering youve not played either game'#fuck off. as if im not just trying to show interest bc u + another friend are both into them + constantly talk abt them in our gc!!#i mean since u guys talk abt them all the time + theyre huge on tumblr like. it would be hard for me to not know anything abt them at all#literally what else can i talk to u guys abt anyway. i dont think there are any interests i personally have that they both gaf abt#if anything they actively dislike most of the things im hyperfixated on. or at least she does so like i cant bring that up can i.#all i did was share a post i saw on tumblr that i thought was funny. its not like i had some negative/controversial opinion#i just saw it and thought hey that makes me think of my friends bc they like those things maybe theyll find it funny too!!#dog sitting outside the door with rly big sad eyes offering them a stick i found in a puddle#i like listening to them talk and i will eventually play some of the games theyre into myself cuz they make them sound rly cool#and even if theyre not my kind of thing i like sharing interests with other ppl and sometimes thats enough for me to be able to enjoy it#i literally own some of them already but im just not in the mental space to start smth new right now. which i have SAID!!!!#why do u even care girl. as if u dont already have a ton of friends playing it that ur talking to abt it???? i wont have anything to add#and thats not gonna stop u from being able to talk to me abt it anyway????? like 2/3 of our conversations atm are abt bg3#man. i know its not that deep but it makes me kinda sad for some reason. im just trying. i guess next time ill just let u guys talk-#to each other or at me and not comment or say anything so u can pretend im not here or whatever it is u want#ughh. she probably didnt even mean it like that and ill feel stupid for getting annoyed and delete this later but whatever.#might work out early today and then i can like draw or play a game or smth the rest of the day. alright lets go#.vent#listening to my silly little jfunk/jazz/soul playlist and i already feel over it. healing
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i'm sorry but what the fuck am i supposed to write for these???? i will get to them but im so confused,,, am i supposed to write their reactions to finding out this information??? this makes no sense to me tbh
#like for the first one maybe their reaction to their s/o being rlly strong makes sense#but wtf does the second one mean???#thats not like a personality trait#also its so subjective#and good taste for people???#im not trying to insult ppl who request this type of stuff#but as a writer i genuinely don't know what to say to this#if you have good taste in music good for you#why would your s/o be surprised or even react to that???#shouldn't they already know?#is that not one of the things that made them interested in you#idk man its just such a weird request#i feel like this was really aggressive and i'm sorry to the ppl who requested i will get back to you i promise#anyway#just imagine you're shopping w your friend and you pick a fucking t-shirt out they're not gonna react like#“omg thats so cute you have amazing style 😍”#i just can't imagine it at all#i'll try doing hcs of their fashion/music/people taste but idk abt their s/o's#also cuz it won't be pertinent to other ppl who read it#i might find fucking cowboy boots cute while 90% of my followers might gag at the thought#anyway rant over i swear#(💬) — kira stfu
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Semi vent post, more just confusion and speaking my thoughts, im fine with replies and stuff and if you can commiserate feel free to lmk if you want but also feel free to skip this post
#These past few weeks have been so strange and just really jarring#and I just already had some life stuff going on#but also it’s been really disorienting on here too#not in a bad way but just#im not used to being noticed#I post my art but like ididnt really think anyone saw it or cared? Maybe they liked one post but like I never#thought I existed as a person to other people if yk what I mean?#it’s the trauma…#but anyways then I started interacting with people a tiny bit more#and then out of the blue one of my sandman sketches blew up#I genuinely don’t know why. It was a really quick thing and barely more than a doodle#but somehow ppl really like it and it’s my biggest post#shrug#but people have been saying nice things and there’s so many likes and reblogs#it’s all kinda disorienting#I don’t know what to do about it or how to move forwards yk?#im just used to being just some random person#and I’m a bit shocked at what’s happened#both with the art and also people apparently#like#like me as an artist? Like ive apparently had followers who like what I make and who’ve like#thought about me I guess?? Don’t know how to phrase it but basically I’m not used to existing in other peoples minds#and I’m really flattered but also shocked#And like people who’re sorta more central to this fandom/who i kinda look up to in an impressed way have started interacting with me#And idk wjhat to do#im also just having a time with figuring out how to phrase things and talk to ppl#I occasionally just lose my ability to communicate:/#anyways that’s all folks have a good night/day#possibly delete later#vent
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kompenscovery was such a blessed secret entrance to a Whole Deal (winnie n tay. & i guess billions) when like. having the most specific, correct opinions, and being me, = the ideal is [nobody else try to talk to me about winston billions] and that’s just where we’re at. this is an exclusive experience
#talking to myself / making the wisdom Available by nailing my text posts (and drawings) to the church doors but then i walk away#meanwhile also of course the hero who permits [my monologuing abt winston all the more behind the scenes] w/o being sick of it after 9000hrs#i think probably other people talk abt winston but not in ways i'm interested in. Except absolute rando twitter billions viewers#this like 60 or 70 yr old lady from twitter who Loves winston. and presumably through the will roland angle lol she went to bway bmc....#just other one off tweets abt ppl like yeah he's one of my / the fave. um hell yes my scholar#or no wait lmfao like again i'd talk about this w/beth roland in theory lmfao. maybe even also hero & scholar & relevant party william#the niche on niche on niche like. looking into deh As Jared Kleinman Lore. liking an actor's je ne sais quoi & scrambling when finding out#that his upcoming bway role is Thee Lead thank you very much....the dramatic fateful saga that was [ending up watching the then available#clips from billions which was up to kompenso]....finding the peak specific peak titrated peak Exact Enrichment gift lol#beyond that i don't see [media enjoyment / takes] as much of like a springboard for Broader Socializing or anything. it Can be ig but.#that's not the goal & not the expectation. at this point reflecting on Myself & My Experiences & My Heart's Truth lmfao i'm like#beyond [i don't think i'd enjoy A Friend Group in actuality] to [i don't think i'm that interested in Friends] series or concept lol#open to whatever & flexible or whatever but eh. already i like Impersonal & Parallel activity & doing my own thing perhaps amongst others#i like impersonal but amicable spontaneous; fleeting exchanges. doing xyz ''alone'' amongst other people.#i like Not having to people please & i'm autistic so i'm generally gonna be considered [unlikable / impersonable / too much / etc] adhd too#although it's not that specific like it goes for Anything. i don't want ppl to talk to me abt [xyz] lol#request a mini monologue / short essay sure but other than that#this isn't a forum....here's the posts left on the door. one can try the anchorite window or sending a letter. doing my own thing yknow#the secret here is ''i mean i like to talk to people but; i actually in practice tend to not like to talk to people'' lmfao#one can check back when many things are more on my own terms / suited to me but. buffering wheel / flipping hourglass mode
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