#and opening up to me and i am learning so many new things and we're different people now but maybe that's better

[the-cat-at-the-theatre-door]

Jack Rebaldi's bombastrap really hits different.

[lee-laurent]

Done Trying - Luke Hughes

Summary: In which Luke falls for a girl who always seems to be hanging around the Devils, the issue she has a toddler with one of his teammates

There will be more parts!! Next part is the backstory of John and Tori! Part after that is a continuation of this part! Hope you guys enjoy!

content: unplanned pregnancy, fluff, angst, children (is that a warning??), past relationships, self confidence and body image issues, money struggles, oc x ex!john marino (this is throughout the story, but this is a luke fic!! she ends up with luke!!)

WC: 4.8k

notes: this idea came to me the other night while i was watching tiktoks lol, but i thought it would a fun fic to write. the poll i put out showed a pretty clear leader the whole time, but if you guys are interested in me doing any of the other pairings in the poll just let me know!! before writing this i have a feeling it's gonna be a long fic so enjoy!!

Luke Hughes was walking down the street to the cafe that Jack had recommended. He still didn't know many places in Newark, seeing as it was his rookie season, but his brother had been a huge help... for the most part. Jack had told him about his coffee shop that was usually pretty quiet, so he wouldn't have to worry about fans coming up to him. And it had become his safe haven over the last two weeks.

Victoria Wilson was also walking down the street in the direction of the cafe, but she wasn't alone. Her newly turned two-year-old was toddling besides her, having refused to get in his stroller when they were leaving their apartment. "No" was his favourite word at the moment and Tori thought it might drive her crazy. She was dropping him off at his dad's in a couple hours, so she decided that grabbing him a bagel and some juice for breakfast sounded like a great way to get out of the house.

"Riley! Stop!" she screeched, watching as her son started to run down the sidewalk in the direction of a tall boy, looking at his phone. She didn't reach him in time though, the little boy wrapping his arms around the man's legs.

"What the hell?" Luke muttered, staring down at the toddler gripping his leg.

"I am so sorry! He's really big into hugging right now. We're working on learning who we shouldn't hug," Tori rambled, attempting to pull Riley off the man.

"It's fine. Really. No worries. Come on, little dude. Go back with your sister," Luke smiled, making the girl blush.

"I- I'm his mom, but I'll take that as a compliment," she smiled, finally prying Riley away and picking him up. He squirmed her arms, screaming "no" like it was mantra.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have assumed," Luke rubbed the back of his neck.

"It's all good. Let me buy you a coffee. Again, I'm so sorry. Terrible twos," she sighed, reaching into her purse for a pacifier. "Here bubba. Let's go get breakfast."

Riley finally calmed down, happily putting the pacifier in his mouth. Tori had been trying her best to ween him off his "binky" but his dad wasn't, so it wasn't really working all that well.

"You don't have to do that. He's just a kid."

"Please, I'd really like to," she smiled. Luke nodded, opening the door for the woman and her son.

Tori ordered a coffee for herself and Luke, as well as a bagel and apple juice for Riley. They sat at a small table, Riley on her lap and Luke across from her.

"I'm Tori, by the way. And this little devil is Riley."

"It's nice to meet you," Luke grinned, "I'm Luke."

"So, how long have you lived in Jersey?" she smiled, breaking off a bit of bagel for Riley. He had a habit of trying to shove things in his mouth and gagging every time. So Tori always broke his food up into little pieces.

"A month now. I, um, just moved here for my new job."

"That's exciting," she grinned, handing Riley more food.

"What about you?"

"We moved here two years ago. Riley's dad moves a lot for work and I like to be in the same city as him so they can spend time together."

Luke nodded. So she was single. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't admiring her. She was stunning. Pale skin covered in freckles, ginger hair that she'd curled into waves, and the prettiest blue eyes he'd ever seen. She giggled as Riley dropped bagel all over his shirt, attempting to wipe it away as best as a toddler could.

"You said Riley's two?"

"Yes! He just turned two in August!"

"My mom always said that's the hardest age," Luke tried his best to relate to the girl in front of him.

"Ha! She's right. He really likes saying 'no' right now. It's impossible to get him to do anything except play mini sticks."

Luke choked on his coffee, "As in hockey?"

"Oh, yeah. He, uh, we're big hockey fans in my house."

"Devils?"

"No. No offence if you're a Devils fan. But we're proud Penguins fans. Right, Riley?"

"Pen-guin," he giggled, clapping his cream cheese covered hands together.

"That's cool," he nodded, checking his phone. Jack had texted asking if he'd died on the way to get coffee. "I, um, it was really nice meeting you, but my brother's getting worried about me. I should go."

"No worries! It was lovely meeting you too. Say 'bye-bye', Riley."

"Bye-bye!"

"Bye, Riley. Um, I was wondering if I could get your number. We could do this again some time? It's totally fine if not. I just-"

"Of course, Luke. Here," she chuckled, taking his phone from him. Luke walked out of the coffee shop with a smile.

It was the first Family Skate of the season and Luke was happily yapping away with Jack and Nico, seeing as they were all single. Luke had been texting nonstop with Tori for the last two weeks, she was really busy taking care of Riley so they hadn't met up again yet. He had found out she was 24, from Pittsburgh, and had a degree in journalism. He hadn't told her what he did for a living, just saying athletics which she assumed meant personal training. He was laughing at a joke that his brother had made when a flash of red hair caught his eye.

He did a double take. Standing at the bench was Tori, holding an extremely excited looking Riley on her hip, tiny skates on his feet. They were both dressed in Devils jerseys. Tori pointed at someone on the ice and Riley clapped happily. John Marino skated over, grabbing Tori's hand to guide her onto the ice. Maybe she wasn't single like he assumed.

"What're you looking at, Rusty?" Jack knocked his shoulder.

"Huh? Nothing."

"Come on, let's go see Curtis."

Luke followed his brother, keeping an eye on John and the girl now holding his hand. It hurt a little, he really thought they were connecting. And she hadn't mentioned a boyfriend at all.

Tori had yet to notice Luke, smiling widely watching her son and his father interact. Even if she and John had broken up, they still held a mutual respect for each other, maybe even still loved one another.

"Do you like his jersey?" she asked, showing John the '6 Marino' on the back of their son's shirt.

"Wow! You look just like Daddy, bubba!"

"'Ike Dada!" Riley smiled.

"My mom got it for him for his birthday. He was really excited to show you."

"Well, I think it's awesome. Tell your mom 'thank you.'"

"Of course. I-" she stopped. Her eyes locked with a familiar pair across the ice. Luke? She furrowed her brow, handing the toddler over to his dad. "Here. Practice skating with him. I, uh, need to talk to someone."

"Oh, sure! Everything alright?"

"Yeah, yeah. Just fine," she mustered a smile as he pressed a kiss to her temple, skating off with Riley.

"Luke?" she approached him, a confused look on her face. Jack and Nico looked at each other before skating off to see John and Riley.

"Hi, Tori. I, uh, I didn't expect to see you here."

"Yeah. Me neither. You play for the Devils?"

"Um... yeah? It's my rookie season. I just- I didn't want you to like only want to talk to me cause I play in the NHL."

"I gave you those vibes?" she sassed, crossing her arms over her chest.

"No, no. That's not- You don't. I, uh, what're you doing here? I thought you were... single."

"I am. I would've stopped talking to you if I wasn't. Riley's dad also plays for the Devils."

Then it all fell into place for Luke. Moving from Pittsburgh, being Penguins fans, Riley's dad moving around for work, her being here.

"Johnny?"

"Yes. John invited us. I thought it would be fun for Riley."

"I'm sorry. I- I should've told you. Are- is this too weird now?"

"'This?' There isn't really a 'this' yet, Luke. We just met and I have a kid. But if you're asking if I'm going to stop talking to you. Then no. This isn't weird for me."

"Do you- d'you think John will be upset?"

"John? No. He just wants whatever is best for Riley. We broke up over a year ago."

"I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to pry. I-"

"Luke, it's fine. It was nice seeing you, but I should get back to my family."

"Right. See ya, Tori," Luke smiled, ignoring the pain in his chest at her words. John was her family. How was he supposed to beat that?

"You know Luke?" John asked as his ex-girlfriend skated up next to him.

"You remember that guy I met that Riley hugged?"

"The one from the coffee shop? Yeah, you said- oh my god! Was it Luke?"

"Yep," she popped the 'p' at the end of the word, "He didn't tell me he played hockey."

"Are you gonna cut things off?"

"There isn't really a 'thing' to cut off. We just text."

"Right. Well, don't let it stress you out."

"I won't. Don't worry. Anyway, how's Riley doing at skating?"

"Like a newborn deer. But he loves it, so..."

"Are you gonna be just like Dada?" she cooed, kissing her son's chubby cheek.

"'Ike Dada!"

"Yes! Just like Dada!"

Riley joined John in the locker room after, seeing as he was spending the night at his instead of going home with his mom. He sat in John's stall, kicking his feet back and forth. John had changed him into some tennis shoes instead of his skates.

"Hey, Riley!" Nico smiled, raising his hand over a high five.

"Cap!"

"Yes sir! That's gonna be you some day, huh?"

"Cap!"

Nico ruffled the boy's dark curls, walking back over to his stall. Jack also came over to see the little boy, but turned his attention to John after.

"Did ya know that Tori and Luke know each other?" he frowned.

"Huh? No, Tori told me today. Why?"

"Luke had been talking about this girl he met a couple weeks ago, had no idea it was Tori. I would've told him to back off."

"Back off? Tori and I aren't getting back together. That ship has long sailed."

"Really? I thought you still... loved her?"

"Of course I do. She's the mother of my child and for that I'll always love her. But she's made it very clear that we didn't work as more than friends. If she wants to see other people, I'm not going to stop her."

"Even if it's your own teammate?"

"Luke is the only guy on this team I'd let date my ex. Trust me."

"Damn. Maybe I was gonna shoot my shot."

"She'd reject you before you could even say hi," John smirked.

"Hungy! Hungy!" Riley chanted, pulling at John's sleeve.

"Okay, bud. One second, Jack," John reached into his backpack, pulling out a pouch and opening it for Riley. "There you go, bud. Eat slowly."

"O-tay."

"Anyway, Tori wouldn't be interested in you. She only likes guys with curly hair."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. We were together for four years. I know what her type is," he rolled his eyes. "Are we done here? I'd like to take my baby home."

Jack nodded, sulking back over to his stall.

"So... how're things with that Luke boy going?" Tori's best friend, Allison, asked. The two girls were sat on the sofa, an almost empty bottle of red wine in front of them, some horrible reality tv show on in the background.

"About that..."

"Oh no! Did he end up being a dick?"

"No, no. Nothing like that. He, um, he's teammates with John."

"He's what?! You're kidding me!"

"Nope. Saw him at family skate today."

"I thought you said he was an athletic trainer."

"He told me he did athletics. I just assumed he did like training for something. But nope, he's a rookie for the Devils."

"That's insane! Are you cutting him off? I thought you'd sworn off hockey players."

"I-"

"Victoria Jane Wilson! Do NOT tell me you're thinking about getting with this guy!"

"I... I'm not sure. He's really cute, Ally. Like the cutest guy I've seen in a while."

"Cuter than John?"

"Not sure anyone is cuter than John. My son is his carbon copy and he's the cutest ever."

"Speaking of Riley, do you think this Luke kid is ready to deal with a child in addition to you? He's how old? 20?"

"I know... I love Riley, but he's definitely made my dating pool smaller."

"Well, you'll have no way of knowing until you ask him on a date."

"You were just saying no more hockey boys! Make up your mind, Ally!"

"I know... but you haven't been on a date in like what..."

"Seven months."

"Seven months?! Text him right now!"

"Right now?"

"Right now!"

Maybe it was the copious amounts of wine that she'd consumed or the fact that she hadn't been on a date in seven months, but she reached for her phone and typed out a message.

I was wondering if you'd like to go on a proper date some time? Without any children with us

"Done!"

"Yay!!! This calls for more wine!"

The girls clinked their glasses together, giggling as they drank more.

Hey, Tori. I'd love that! Is Riley with John tomorrow? I'm free after 5.

"Oh my God! He said yes!!!"

"I knew he would, girl! You're stunning."

"I-"

"Don't give me that shit about your 'Mummy Tummy.' You carried a baby for 9 months of course you aren't going to look exactly the same as you did before. But trust me, you look fucking stunning. Now text him back!"

Ally was over for the second night in a row, except this time it wasn't girls' night. She was helping Tori get ready for her first date in almost a year.

"You have to wear something lowcut! Show off the goods," Ally smiled, pretending to squeeze some boobs in the air.

"They're not that impressive," Tori rolled her eyes, flicking through her shirts.

"Girl! Be confident! If I had tits like yours, I'd walk around in nothing but a bra!"

"Ally! Don't be crass!"

"What? Just telling the truth! We both know that Riley exists cause John loved your curves a little too much."

"Allison!" Tori gasped, although it was a tad bit dirty, she couldn't help but giggle. She pulled a white, flowy tank top out of her closet, holding it up to her body. "Thoughts?"

"That's the one! You'll look irresistible. Now! Let me do your makeup!" Ally clapped.

Tori did a once over in the mirror, smiling brightly. She wasn't usually very confident in her body, and that only got worse after having Riley. A ring filled the apartment as someone pressed her buzzer in the lobby. She pressed on the intercom button, "Come up!"

"I'll be here the whole time. Call if you need rescuing and I want all the details when you get back!" Ally smiled, plopping down on Tori's bed.

Luke rasied his fist, knocking on the wooden door. Tori wiped her hands on her jeans one last time, opening the door to reveal the boy. He was wearing a polo shirt that showed off his arms in the best way and a pair of khaki pants. It looked like he had attempted to tame his curls, but they just looked like they always did but wet.

"Wow, you... you look so pretty, Tori," he stuttered.

"Thank you. You also look really cute," she blushed. "Let me just grab my purse and then we can go. Come in."

Luke entered the apartment, taking in the decor. There was a small table in the corner covered in art supplies and a basket of toys next to it. On the sofa was a stuffed Winnie the Pooh and lots of plastic farm animals. Hanging on the wall was a colourful scribble with Riley's name printed at the bottom. It was clear to him that Riley was the most important thing in her life.

"Sorry, it's a bit messy. I usually clean when he's at John's, but I was... kinda nervous about tonight and forgot."

"You've got no reason to be nervous. I promise," Luke smiled.

God, his smile was cute. It was crooked, almost like a smirk and she wanted to see it every second of every day for the rest of her life.

"Shall we?"

"We shall."

The walk to the restaurant was full of jokes and laughs. Conversation between the two flowed so easily.

"You're joking! There's no way!"

"I'm not! He ripped Quinn's braces out!"

"That's insane!"

"Do you have any siblings?"

"No, no, I don't. Only child."

"How's that?"

"It was a bit lonely when I was a kid. But now I've got Riley so it's impossible to feel lonely."

They sat at a table, deciding to share a very large plate of seafood pasta.

"This is kind of a personal question, so you don't have to answer. But did you always want to be a mom?"

"That's not too personal, in my opinion. But yeah. When I found out I was pregnant though, I was really unsure. I was 22 and wanted to do so much more in my life first. But I can do most of those things even with Riley. And if I can't, John is there to watch him for me."

"That's a good way of looking at things. I, uh, I've never dated anyone with a kid."

Tori giggled, "I'm not surprised, Luke. But I'm not asking you to stay around if you don't want to."

They quickly moved on from talking about Riley, talking about their childhoods, favourite movies, and favourite foods.

"Secretariat? The horse movie?" she laughed.

"Don't laugh! It's a good movie!"

"I've never seen it."

"Well, I know what our next date is going to be," Luke's eyes widened as his brain caught up with his mouth, "If- If you want to go on another date. I, uh, I get if you don't want to. No pressure."

"Luke, I'd love to watch Secretariat with you," she smiled, reaching across the table to hold his hand. She ran her thumb over his knuckles, giving him a reassuring smile.

"I, uh, I'm free tomorrow. If that's not too soon."

"That should work. I just have to pick up Riley at 5, so it'll have to be in the afternoon."

"I'll make sure I'm up then."

"It's okay. I also sleep in on days Riley is with John."

Luke walked Tori up to her apartment, not wanting their night to end. They stood awkwardly in the doorway, looking at each other.

"I had a really good night," she smiled, looking down at her shoes.

"M- Me too. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Mhm."

"Can... Can I kiss you?"

"I don't normally kiss on the first date," she smirked.

"Oh, I'm so sorry."

"I'll make an exception for you."

Tori pushed herself up on her tip-toes, leaning in until their noses brushed. She let Luke take the final step, softly pressing their lips together. His were a bit chapped, but she didn't mind. Maybe her lip balm would rub off and help him out. They smiled, breaking the kiss.

"See you tomorrow," she waved goodbye, closing the door as he walked down the hall to the elevator.

"How was it?!" Ally screeched. Tori jumped, holding her hand to her chest.

"Holy shit! I forgot you were here!"

"Okay? How was it?!"

"So good! He's coming over tomorrow. Oh Lord, I have to clean!"

"He's coming over?! You're getting laid?!"

"No, God. Ally, it's our second date. I'm not sleeping with him."

"Why not?! When was the last time you had sex?"

"Um..."

"When did you and John sleep together?"

"Two months ago."

"I still can't believe you did that."

"He looked really hot playing with Riley. And we both hadn't slept with anyone in months. It was just... a mutual release."

Ally shook her head, "Whatever. Two months. You need some dick. And not your ex's."

"Why not? John's-"

"I don't want to hear about John's dick, Victoria."

"Your favourite person ever wouldn't exist without it," she shrugged.

"Riley's the only good thing that came from John. Anywho..."

"We're not sleeping together tomorrow. We're watching his favourite movie."

"Aww! That's so sweet! Look at you!! Finally moving on from Johnny Boy."

"I've been moved on for a while. I'm not sure the same can be said for him."

"He'll figure it out when he sees how happy you are with Luke!"

Tori giggled, "Time to clean up."

"I'll help... if we open a bottle of wine."

"Deal."

Tori was so nervous that she'd refolded the blanket on the back of the sofa at least six times now. She didn't really have company over except Ally and John. She wanted her apartment to look the best it ever had. All of Riley's toys were back in his toy bin and his room, she'd even cleaned the kitchen counter in case Luke went in there for something.

The intercom buzzed and Luke's voice broke through, "It's Luke. Hughes. Luke Hughes. Except I don't think you're expecting another Luke. But, I'm here."

Tori laughed, pressing the button to let him up. Less than a minute later there was a knock at her door. She took a deep breath, swining it open and smiling widely. Luke was in a Devils hoodie and some track pants. Luckily, she was dressed similarly.

"Welcome! I set up the living room for us."

"Perfect," Luke entered, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. Tori sat on the sofa, Luke boldly sitting right next to her. Their thighs were touching and he had his arm stretched over the back of the leather sofa.

She couldn't help but admire his thighs. That was one thing she loved about hockey boys. Their thighs. It was probably her favourite feature when looking for a guy.

She clicked on Disney+, the app immediately playing Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

"Shit, sorry. Guess that's the last thing we were watching on here."

Luke just laughed, scooting closer to her (if that was possible). She relaxed, cuddling into his side. The movie started and Luke smiled down at her, pressing a kiss to her nose. She blushed, leaning up and connecting their lips in an actual kiss.

"No more kissing. You're going to distract me from the movie," Tori sassed, playfully pushing his face as he went in for another one.

"Fine," he pouted, turning his attention to the movie.

By the time the movie had ended, Tori was practically wrapped around Luke. A loud yawn escaped her.

"Was it that boring? That's my favourite movie we're talking about, Victoria," he feigned anger.

"It was sad. But I liked it. I need a nap though."

"Oh, I can go."

"No, come on. Your comfy," she grabbed his hand, leading him to her bedroom. Luke lay down next to her, allowing her to cuddle into his side, an arm thrown over his chest. She fell asleep almost immediately. He wasn't surprised though. He understood that Riley had been having a sleep regression and it was exhausting for John and Tori. He turned to look at the picture on her bedside table. It was her, Riley, and John at a beach. It looked recent, like it had just been taken over the off season. Tori was holding on of Riley's hands and John was holding the other. They looked like a happy, functional family. And it made Luke's brain run a mile a minute. How come her relationship with John hadn't worked out? Maybe she didn't commitment. Maybe she didn't want something serious. Maybe- A snore cut off his thoughts and he looked down at the sleeping figure in his arms. Why was he worried? She seemed happy. He just needed to not overthink it. Easier said than done.

Luke woke her up at 4:30, shaking her shoulder slightly. She slowly sat up, patting down her messy hair.

"What's up?" she mumbled.

"It's 4:30. I should probably go before John and Riley get here. I don't want to confuse anyone."

"Oh... okay. I, uh, sorry I fell asleep. I haven't had a full night of sleep in what feels like ages."

"You're fine, Tori. You coming to the game on Tuesday?"

"Yeah. I try to bring Riley to most home games. We just never stay long. He gets restless."

"See you then," he kissed her one last time.

"Mama!" Riley ran into Tori's arms.

"Hi, baby! Did you have fun at Dada's?"

"Yes! We 'ockey!"

"You played hockey! That's so fun! Let's get you some dinner!"

"Hungy!"

Tori smiled, standing up to talk to John.

"How was he?"

"You weren't kidding about the sleep. Couldn't get him down until 11 last night. And he was up at 3 and 5."

"Yeah, it's Hell. Did he stay in his cot?"

"Last night he slept in my bed. Night before he slept in his cot until 4."

"Did you use a pacifier?"

"I'm working on not. I know you said you want him to give it up. He used it last night because I could not calm him."

"That's fine. We're coming to the game Tuesday. Can't promise we'll stay after the first period though."

"All good. You wanna stay for dinner?"

"Nah, I'm going to Jack's. See you at the game."

"See you at the game."

John pressed a kiss to her hair, "Come say goodbye to Dada, Riley!"

"Buh-bye, Dada! 'Uv 'oo!"

"I love you too!"

Once the door was closed and locked for the night, Tori put Riley in his booster seat.

"How about mac and cheese?"

"Eese!"

"Let's do it! We're going to go see Dada play hockey in two days! Are you excited?"

"I 'uv 'ockey!"

"I know you do, baby! Mac and cheese time!"

Tori was exhausted Tuesday night as she entered the arena. Riley hadn't slept the last time night for more than 4 hours and was throwing tantrums all day because he was tired. He cried and cried for his dad. Tori eventually had to call John and have him come calm down Riley while she showered. She was on the brink of crying all day Tuesday and the stress of being at the game wasn't helping. But she'd promised John that Riley would be there at least for a little bit. She was chasing him around the family suite, trying to tire the little boy out. He'd started playing with some of the other kids and she finally had a moment to herself.

"Girl, you need a vacation," Reanne sighed, rubbing her friend's back.

"You're telling me. He's been so poorly behaved recently. I just... I'm considering have John move in until he gets over his sleep regression."

"Really?" Nicole gasped, "Are you sure?"

"I'm not sure what my other options are. Call my mom to come. But she hates flying. I'd ask John's parents, but they don't love me since the break up."

"Luke?"

"We've been on two dates! And he's a rookie. He needs his sleep."

"A nanny?"

"I have no money, girl. Child support is a saving grace at the moment."

"I'm sure John would-"

"I'm not asking my ex for money."

"Are you still working for that online newspaper?"

"Yeah, but the pay isn't the best ever. It works for us, but I can't afford a nanny."

"Well, if you need moral support when you talk to John about it, we're all here," one of the other wives smiled kindly.

After the game, John came over for a bit. Tori had texted him and asked for him to come so they could talk. So, now they were tensely sitting at the kitchen table.

"What's up, Tori?"

"I- I need to ask you something."

"Shoot."

"I, um, I need you to move back in for a bit. This... this isn't me asking to get back together. Please don't take it that way. I- I'm seeing Luke now. But Riley has been a lot to handle on my own right now. And I really need help."

"I- I could pay for a nanny. Or-"

"John. I'm asking you as his father not as my ex-boyfriend."

"Right. Um, yeah. I can do that. For how long?"

"Until he's over this sleep regression. We need to tag team it right now. It's too much for one person."

"Let me go to my place and grab some stuff. I'll be back in an hour. Can you set up the sofa for me?"

"Why? You can sleep in my room. It's closer to Riley's."

"Because we're not together?"

"John, I'm not uncomfortable if you aren't. Your the father of my child. It's not weird for me."

"Then it's fine with me. See you in an hour."

God, she hoped this didn't backfire.

[justkending]

Mr. & Mrs. Hunt (Chapter 4/7)

Mini-Series Summary: Two of the most stubborn people in the group partnered together for an undercover mission are also the two people with the most hatred for each other, so what could go wrong? Or is it, what COULDN’T go wrong?…

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger Reader

Word Count: 3900+

A/N Note: Only a few more chapters to go (I think, but we're both lost on how long this series will be.) Thank you guys for reading and as always, thank you for the love and support!

____________

Chapter 4:

Y/N's POV

It wasn’t him. It was 100% me. I did this to myself. I built a wall so quickly around him because I didn’t want to like the man behind my misery. 

My teammates knew enough about my backstory to think they had an idea of my reason for joining SHIELD: helping the little guy because, at one point, you were the little guy—the manipulated guy—the one who no one saved, so you had to save yourself—and now anyone else who can’t do it for themselves. 

Yet, there were so many other things I kept for myself, and things files couldn’t tell you. No files existed of them, and I’m glad because I didn’t want the pity. 

James Buchanan Barnes was the reason behind my abuse. Not personally, but my abuser was obsessed with his accomplishments under the German and Russian terrorist organizations and wanted to make a female, more skilled, discrete, and sleeker version of the Winter Soldier. 

Who fucking didn’t, right? God, every goddamn evil bastard on this godforsaken shit show of a planet wants to remake something that was a once in a lifetime kind of thing and crack more than a few eggs to get to that point. Selfish asshole…

Being constantly compared to him and then beaten for not hitting the unreachable mark of the man I was ‘of no comparison to’ after years of trying to hit that standard, and then being asked to be on a team with him? A lot of emotions hit me like a train when I got that news. 

Will I amount to being the trained spy and agent I am for Shield with him by my side? Will he make me look like a completely pointless addition to the team? After five years of already working with the Avengers and then learning who the Winter Solider was? Steve’s best friend and probably the only person he could relate to in their journey? All the way to having to work with him… The change-up was instantaneous, where I would have begged for baby steps. 

Then again, when has the world made it easy for me?

So yes. I was an ass and kept him further than arm's length away to stay safe from learning that he was a good guy when I wasn’t ready to like him yet. I had a lot of trauma I never thought I’d have to work through with the infamous man himself, and that irritation and annoyance just continued when he finally matched my energy, and we never strayed from that relationship until… now.

And here he was, genuinely asking what HE did wrong when I was the reason for our enemies’ plot line. 

“Bucky, I don’t think I can talk about this right now,” I breathed out slowly, feeling the tears prick in my eyes.

It had been a minute since I cried and felt this vulnerable, and I couldn’t seem to stop it. I think subconsciously, I didn’t want to stop it, but my mind was begging my body to hold out until he was out of the room. 

“Y/N, if I did something to you, I didn’t realize-” 

“You wouldn’t have known,” I whisper, not trusting my voice to stay steady, but also not wanting to put anymore of the blame on him from here on out. 

He wasn’t a bad guy.

He had proved himself time and time again to be a really good guy. Even when he broke and decided he hated me back, he still had his moments when he put it aside and showed chivalry. I admired him for it even when I ignored the admiration. 

Makes it hard to fully hate a guy who made sure ladies weren’t opening any doors for themselves. Or a man who remembered Morgan’s birthday and bought her an ice cream cake before stealing Steve’s shield to sled down a hill her dad told her not to. Or a man you treat like absolute shit 99% of the time, and he still checks on you when you have nightmares, and he grabs water and an ice pack and helps you even out your breathing before waiting for you to go back to sleep. 

I didn’t ask him for the help, and he never mentioned the handful of times he fell into the routine of soothing me back to sleep. Never brought it up, never made me feel like I owed him, and never hinted at remembering such kindness. 

But now?

“You wouldn’t have known why it started this way to begin with. And you likely won’t,” I sigh, breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth before turning around; a lot more put together, even if it was just a mask I had learned to put on most of my life. 

“I don’t understand,” Bucky furrowed his eyebrows at my disposition. 

“I don’t expect you to, but maybe we should go to sleep and talk about it later. It’s getting late, and you have to go to your ‘job’ tomorrow,” I say with hand quotes. “We have to keep the ruse going.” 

“A few hours of sleep doesn’t affect me,” Bucky shook his head, and I could see him itching to put his hands back on me, but he held back. “Please. I need to know what the hell I did.” 

“Again, Bucky,” I say sternly this time, all emotion I’m struggling to keep at bay shoved down. “You are not at fault, and tomorrow I’ll talk to you, but for now, I need to sleep on it.”

He read my face for lies, and I kept it neutral. I wasn’t going to break here. Now was not the time. I needed space to think about how I was going to approach this after so long of avoiding it and being put on the spot wasn’t going to work for me. 

“Ok,” he said, softer than I think I ever heard him talk. His eyes were soft and sensitive, and I didn’t know how I felt about it…

He turned and walked out of my room, gently shutting the door behind him and turning off the overhead light he had originally flashed on. 

I didn’t instantly head straight to bed. I stared at the doorway in the dark, seeing the faint silhouette of the barrier between us. He was still on the other side, and I could hear his heart rate higher than normal.

This was affecting him more than I thought it would. Why was he so worried about what I thought of him? He didn’t seem bothered by my disinterest in the past. Or at least I didn’t figure he did. 

____________________

When I woke up, Bucky was already gone. His truck, normally in the driveway, was missing, and I knew he had taken off for our mission report. 

Thankful, I took the time to make my coffee, sit on the front porch, and watch the neighborhood take on its morning routine. 

People were on runs with their family dogs, moms were doing their morning walks with strollers, some neighbors were out already tending to their gardens, and everything suburban seemed to be on track. 

Towards the end of my cup, I notice Ms. Bauer coming back from her jog she must have taken earlier than the others. 

“Oh, hello, neighbor!” she shouted when she spotted me, uniformly checking our house like her head was on a swivel if she heard a pen drop in it. 

Still in her jog, she sashayed over to my lawn, and I mumbled, “Here we go,” smiling at her as she followed the sidewalk to our steps. 

“How are you doing today, Bethanne?” I grin standing from my patio chair and going down the steps to meet her at the bottom of the flight. “Is there a run club I didn’t know about? You’re the 10th person I’ve seen getting a head start on their steps for the day.” 

She laughed and waved a hand at me before taking an earbud out, pausing her music on her watch, and placing her hands on her hips as she looked up at me. 

“There is actually a mommy and me walking club on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Depending on the weather, of course, but who knows,” she grinned up at me. “Maybe you can be joining it sooner than you thought.”

“Maybe not as soon as you think,” I laughed, holding my mug tighter with both hands so I wouldn’t strangle her instead and leaning on the banister. “We wanted at least a year in the house by ourselves before we add another set of feet to the chaos,” I scrunch my nose and add, “but I’m excited for the day Beau and I have a mini-version of us running around here.” 

“Speaking of Beau,” she grins, looking to the driveway. “Where is he today? He’s usually home with you most of the time, right?”

“Oh, it was time for him to get back to work. He took off for a few weeks to get moved in and spend time with me before we had to get back to the real world,” I answer as planned. 

“That’s right. I think I remember you guys talking about that at the first block party,” she nodded, watching me carefully for slip-ups. “Can you believe it’s only been two weeks of you guys here? I feel like you two have been a part of the community for at least a year.” 

“You’re sweet,” I gush convincingly and look out to the neighborhood for effect. “You guys have really taken us in as your family, and you don’t know how much I appreciate it. We appreciate it,” I correct and look off in the distance like I’m thinking of my sweet, doting husband when, in reality, I was thinking of the day this mission was over and I could carry on with my normal life. “I don’t think I’ve mentioned this. Beau isn’t one to really talk about it, but his family life wasn’t the best. They’ve practically been strangers since he turned 18.” 

“Oh, is that so?” she inched up, feeding on the new (fake) information. 

I nod. “When we started dating, my family took him in as his own- well, I only had my dad around for most of my life, but they got along really well. He passed three years ago,” I give a tight-lipped look as I look down at my feet in sadness. “They developed a bond, which wasn’t hard considering who my dad was. He was the best, though we might be biased in thinking that. Taught Beau how to do a lot of things dads are supposed to teach their sons. Well,” I sniffle for added effect. “Anyway, we’re kinda on our own now. No extended family we’re close with, and with my dad’s passing, it’s really just us. So when I say we’re grateful for y’all’s hospitality, I mean it.”

She seemed to buy it, as much as an undercover convict could, and smiled kindly up at me before placing a hand on my arm. 

“Of course, sweetheart. We’re just lucky you two are some of the good ones. You’d be surprised who’s come in and hasn’t made the cut. Lawns in disarray, unfriendly attitudes, and you know the list,” she winks and rolls her shoulders back before stretching in her spot. “Speaking of being lovely neighbors, how would you and Beau feel about a dinner at our house? Reggie and I have been talking about having you over for quite some time now, and I think we can finally host.” Before I could ask, she stopped me and explained. “Kitchen renovation. It was and still is a pain in my ass, but it should be doable for a small dinner.”

“That sounds lovely,” I beam as much as I could act. It was the perfect next step, and the bait had been taken, but a part of me wanted to settle things with Bucky in our personal dispute before we put on our masks for the two main perpetrators. “Let me check with him and see what his schedule will look like now. He’s getting some new orders today, and some things are changing in the company. We’ll know more tonight. But we will for sure make it work.” 

___________

After Bethanne told me some useless neighborhood gossip, she excused herself, and I went back inside to get ready for the day and consider how I would approach Bucky on our issue. 

I knew it was time to be truthful, even if I dreaded it. Bucky had proven time and time again that he wasn’t the enemy, and I needed to deal with my issues. I was tired of wasting energy on hatred and anger, and these last two weeks proved that Bucky wasn’t the one who should have been receiving the blunt force end of my trauma. 

I had until four in the evening to come up with an idea of how I wanted to go about it, but I had stress cleaned instead and couldn’t come up with a non-terrifying way to approach this life-changing conversation.

Finally, I found it best we get dinner in the town over (as not to have any peaking eyes or eavesdropping ears as we dive into my life story I hadn’t indulged to near anyone before), and I would talk to Bucky there. However, plans changed when Bucky came home. 

From my spot in the kitchen, I heard him shout in his domesticated voice across the street, “No, that sounds perfect! We’d love to!” The door opened just as he finished his sentence, and his voice became clearer. 

I moved around the island and slowly walked toward the door to get a view of who he was talking to, and I noticed Bethanne at her mailbox waving to Bucky. 

I furrowed my eyebrows at the obvious commitment he put us in, and after he waved back, he shut the door behind him, looking at me, and dropped the act quickly. 

“What did you just agree to?” I asked, nodding my head behind him. 

He looked me up and down, and I almost forgot I had picked a new, semi-fancier sundress for our “surprise anniversary dinner” (at least the front I was trying to put on for getting out of town without too much suspicion).

(Make whatever color you please or change it in your mind if you want! I'm choosing to pick it as a darker red.)

“You look nice,” he says as his eyes trail back up to my own, and I swear I see him take a gulp. 

“What did you agree to?” I asked again, focused more on what he had decided for us regarding Bethanne. 

His previous shocked face faded away, and he rolled his eyes slightly before throwing his work bag to the side.

“Bethanne invited us to dinner. I said yes because we need to build a relationship with them,” he replied stoically, as if my question was dumb and pointless. 

I just stared at him and let my “personal vendetta” look rest on my face. He studied me and had the decency to shrink ever so slightly. 

“What?”

“What happened to discussing things first?” I said in an eerily calm voice. 

“I didn’t think accepting dinner at a home we’ve been trying to get inside of for the last two weeks is something we’d have to discuss.” And now he straightens up, throwing his empty arms to the side. 

A few seconds later, I yelled, “You dipshit!” in a muffled grunt, keeping my voice down as much as I could handle and balling my fists in anger. 

His eyebrows shoot up and he huffs with his chest puffed out as he marches to me. I see the intent in his eyes, and I start walking away towards the opposite room closest, needing a minute not to lose my shit, and if I have to look into his stupid azure eyes like he wants to read everything passing through my mind, I’ll break.

“Don’t walk away from me,” he growls, and I shoot him a look over my shoulder as I shift my pace and head down the hallway to the bedrooms. “Y/N, stop being a stubborn ass and-”

“Unless you want a heel thrown at your head, and you’re welcome for being civil about this, I suggest you leave me alone,” I shout behind me, turn sharply to the left, and go to my room. 

“I don’t even know what THIS is! You looked at me like you wanted to kill me when I walked in, and I haven’t even talked to you today besides updates about work,” he said just as I slammed the door in his face. “Oh, real mature. Shut the door like an adolescent. Wait, I forgot. You are one…” He mumbles the last part and I hear him lean on the door.

Instantly, I whip the door open, and he doesn’t have time to predict his next move. He falls flat on his back on the wood floors of my room, only padded by a thin oriental rug I made Tony buy me. 

He’s winded from the fall and clutches his chest as I bend down next to him and say, “I said. Leave. Me. The. Fuck. Alone.” I stare at him for a second, solidifying my threat. I stand to walk out and only give him a glance as I pass the doorway. 

_____________

Bucky’s POV:

I left her the fuck alone. 

I may have been royally pissed (that is a blatant ass understatement), but something about the look in Y/N’s eyes told me not to push unless I wanted to wake up with my head no longer attached to my body. 

I was too scared to leave her room in fear I’d run into her when she wasn’t ready and risk taking the chances of the guillotine earlier, so I sat on her bed and tried to rack my brain to where I slipped up to cause whatever the hell I walked in to…

I knew almost instantly and realized what a stupid, simple mistake it was. Bethanne asking me to dinner set her off, I knew. But her comment about talking with each other before making decisions told me my mistake. 

Something happened I didn’t know of, and I may have just fucked whatever it was up. As for what it is? No goddamn clue. But using context clues and just basic reading of the body language, Y/N had already made a plan, and I threw it out the window, likely.

I heard footsteps before I could think further, and Y/N appeared in the doorway, taking a deep breath. She would have convinced me she was going to be civil if it wasn’t for her history, but I was excited to see which lane she chose. 

“One thing before I bite my tongue,” she says in almost a whisper, like she’s trying to keep her frustrations at bay. “You make me want to shave my head like Britney Spears in 2007 75% of the time. This moment was almost a tipping point for that kind of outcome..” She lets out a long breath like she passed the test of keeping it together. 

Surprisingly a lot more tame than I was expecting. 

“Glad you got that out of your system. Now, please tell me what the hell happened?” I asked, keeping my guard up in case she resorted to her typical insults and fury. 

“Oh, now you want to communicate,” she mocks and walks to the bed, harshly sitting next to me but leaving a copious amount of space between us. 

I let it slide because I know she’s fighting bigger demons, like the urge to insult me, until I personally dig my own grave and say goodbye to my cruel reality. 

“Bethanne was goading us,” she answers, thankfully getting right to the point. “Something about her proposition seemed off, and I wanted to clear some things up with you before we jumped on the offer.”

I nodded my head, seeing that my instantaneous reply wasn’t thought out. That was on me, yes, but she also reacted extremely dramatically, expressing an odd feeling about the interaction instead of hard proof. 

“What did she ask, and what was off about it?” I question, trying to stay mission based because something seemed off still.

“It wasn’t what it was but how she was asking. Something in her tone and the way she was looking at our house and me. Like she was trying to take in detail after detail up close. Checking for cracks in the foundation,” she answers and turns to me just slightly. “She also said her kitchen was under renovation, and something felt off about it.” 

“The vibes about our neighbor getting a kitchen renovation made you knock the wind out of me when you opened your door?” I said before I could think, but I didn’t budge, my furrowed eyebrows aimed at her. 

She matches my glare and turns her body fully to me. 

“It seemed like an excuse,” she answers slowly. 

“To what? Host a dinner? That’s kind of the opposite effect. Who would want to host a dinner when you have kitchen renovations? It means they trust us if they’re willing to let us see a house that’s not perfect like the front they put on.” 

‘That’s what you get from it, but I think they just planted a little seed of their own.” 

“What do you even mean?”

“Kitchen Reno? That’s an excuse to say, ‘Oh, Charlotte, I can’t cook the chicken pot pie I was going to make for you two because our new oven hasn’t been delivered and installed yet. You know? Because we have the kitchen under renovation? I completely forgot,’” She acted in a convincing Bethanne impersonation and then quickly turned back to serious. 

“You got that from a kitchen reno comment?” I deadpanned after a minute. 

“I got that from understanding women masterminds who know how to manipulate a situation. I am that woman, so I think I can read them pretty well,” she says confidently back. 

Touché.

“And what if you’re wrong?” Her bitchface grew at my question. 

“First off, I’m not. Second off, even if I was wrong, we are supposed to consult each other about accepting invitations into the house of our suspect enemies,” she ran a hand through her hair, which I notice now looks styled differently. Did she curl it or have it blown out? And yes, I know what a blowout is. I have women friends and coworkers.

Yeah… I was in the wrong here, and that’s on me. I wasn’t thinking. I also had a long day snooping around for more information about this whole operation, but it isn’t necessarily an excuse… It’s not like  I haven’t worked on a case like this in the past. I mean, minus being fictitiously married to a coworker. 

“I’m sorry,” I say, and she gives me a weird look. “What?”

“I wasn’t expecting an apology,” she says, standing slowly and straightening her dress. 

“I know when to accept I made a mistake,” I shrug and stand as well. 

She studies my face like there's a retort that’s going to follow, but I just stare at her silently, communicating that I’m set on my apology. 

“Ok…” she drags out, watching me as she steps toward the door. “Well, I guess we need to get ready for tonight. Considering we have dinner. With our neighbors. And we need to set up bugs if possible.”

“Guess so,” I nod, crossing my arms. 

She stops suddenly and looks at me with a look of realization. “You’re in my room.” She steps to the side, leaving room for me to leave, and avoids eye contact. 

She’s still acting weird, but I need to change and get my head in the game for tonight, so I walk out with a subtle head nod as I leave.

Marvel Tags:

@thejourneyneverendsx​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @death-unbecomes-you @mythos-writes​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​  @srrymydood​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @xa-dia​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @redhairedfeistynerd​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @morganclaire4​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @connie326​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @captain-asguard​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @mollygetssherlockcoffee​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @teenagedreams-bucky @shower-me-with-roses​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @livstilinski @basicallylool​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ @starryeyeseunbyul​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

My Lovelies Forever:

@natura1phenomenon​ @lauravicente​ @kakakatey​ @traceyaudette​ @notyourtypicalrose​ @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce​ @sandlee44​ @thorne93​ @thefaithfulwriter1​ @essie1876​ @greyeyedsmile14​ @capsiclehan​  @xostephanie​ @averyrogers83​ @awesomenursingstudent​ @gh0stgurl​ @cs-please​ @jjlevin​ @rainbowkisses31​ @deannotmoose​ @their-bibliophile​ @kitkatd7​ @willowbleedsonpaper​ @mariaenchanted​ @snffbeebee​ @couldabeenamermaid​ @rebekahdawkins​​ @alyispunk​​ @billyseye @hallecarey1​​

Bucky Barnes Tags:

@chloe-skywalker​ @charmedbysarge​ @jbarness​ @bellamy-barnes​ @katiaw2​ @aikeia​ @stopjustlovethemcu​ @enchantedbarnes

Mr. & Mrs. Hunt Series:

@jackiehollanderr @mrs-bucky-barnes-73 @theroyalmanatee @wintrsoldrluvr @alexakeyloveloki @learisa @bxckybxrnes24 @lillianacristina @selella @heletsmelovehim

[whokilledjared]

the sluttiest thing a man can do is be himself. (& takes on social media)

Hi.

I'm lonely.

The moment I got "two weeks off school" in sophomore year, life went to 4x speed & I can't turn it off no matter how hard I try.

Maybe COVID-19 adolescence did numbers on me. Somewhere between the iPhone 5c and ChatGPT, 14-hour screen times have live-streamed to me a steady, homogenous death of culture.

Nothing is cool anymore. Nothing is sacred. Every movement is a trend, and every cult classic a sequel.

The value we place on things being beautiful, on being "cool," and our gatekept appreciation of how hard these things were to find: it's been co-opted, or perhaps stolen. It's been stolen by the new merchant class. "Disruptors" and "innovators" turning our lives into a burgeoning black mirror prequel. Soon, we'll graduate too, and we'll wring every morsel of value in each others' lives dry for cash.

Plain and simple, I think we're being manipulated.

Your dates are an algorithm. Your music is a social signal. And Zuck knows when you sleep.*

God. What the fuck are we doing???

“Individuation is becoming the thing which is not the ego, and that is very strange.” — Carl Jung

Recently, I deleted Instagram. My first impulse was to post a story or something, announcing my departure. But then, I thought that would be lame.

I got rid of my account, too. Kinda. Over 1 year, over 800 followers removed, and what remains of me is a little grey icon, and "JM_0000000010" where my name and face used to be.

yay.

There were many people I wish I could have been friends with, but I wonder, too, why I find myself so drawn to the validation of others. Does social media affect me worse, or do we all just choose to ignore it, languishing in private?

At any rate, this last year has almost felt like re-learning how to be a human being.

Personally, I think one of the biggest markers for maturity is when you become willing to disappoint the people you know in favor of what feels right to you, when you start to unravel the stories you’ve told yourself (or been told) about who you are and what you should be. In short, the sluttiest thing a man can do is be himself.

And sometimes, I think about every college student that has ever lived. My grandmother, my dad, and so on. Just consider for a moment all kids who graduated before 2010:

What was it like for the ones in 1940? To walk around, before a campus had computers? In 2006: To meet someone pretty, but forget their number? In 1999: To cram into dorms, and watch Seinfeld live on-air?

Would I, like my dad in 1988, have braved cold night, brisk wind, & landline phone-call just to knock and see if my friends were too busy to hang?

What stories could I tell if there was even the slightest chance of getting lost on the way home from a party?

Humans are social creatures. We crave our friends like water. To me, the clearest difference between Dasani and Instagram is that one of them comes in a bottle.

Yet despite these distractions and comforts we have in 2024, somehow, we still have engineering students. People who carve out time in their day to sit down, look at paper, and solve differential equations. But then, that's not so hard, is it? It just takes time. Precious, fucking, time.

At Meta, leagues and leagues of these engineers power behavioral scientists, who are competing for the highest salary. Their benchmarks? Your FOMO. Guilt. Anxiety. Obsession. The worse you feel, the more you engage with their content. The more you engage with their content, well, you're starting to get the point.

Try something for me: Open up Instagram, but don't tap anything. What happens? How many little animations? How many tiny nudges prompting you to get lost? Our home-pages are billion-dollar diving boards, hoisting us over engineered catacombs of subconscious quicksand.

My homepage is my FOMO, my envy, and my crushes. The pain and struggle of trying to be someone who I am not. My little existential crises, bundled-up, packaged, and shipped with a like button.

To abandon your social networks entirely, however, requires a safety net of close friends. After all, your friends are online, and you'd be miserable without them.

This is the problem with our monkey brains. Millennia of sociological natural-selection have made us quite great at feeling terrible. We're damn good at making tribal status games to play with, too.

Seeking refuge in quirked up septum piercings and boygenius listeners, my time in counter-cultural, alternative "scenes" between St. Louis and Tampa has shown me that even the weirdest of folks and the most removed can accidentally find themselves reduced to nothing more than high-school popularity contests. Even if I love them. Even if they're amazing people. We're human.

We can't "quit social media" as much as we can't "quit bottled water" Sure, we can, but it's inconvenient. And even without a bottle, we're still drinking water.

So I lost touch with my friends. I got no new updates on their lives. I forced myself into the inconvenience of not having a phone to reach for in fleeting moments of boredom. Suddenly, I was out of the loop. Suddenly, I was bored. And suddenly, nobody missed me. My only friends were the ones I had the time to text. Everyone else ... does not exist.

Weekends have become more valuable than ever. Without the empty social calories of seeing my friends' pictures, I find myself planning hangouts as often as my schedule allows. I have more lunches, more study sessions, and more is done in the company of less.

And I have the time to breathe.

And in this calm, I think I found my answer: it's my misplaced ambition. These fears of anxiety and people I thought I would miss, they seem represent something I want to see more of within myself. Something I want to develop, lean into more deeply, as an individual. And I think that's quite normal; to look out into the world and feel attracted to things we want to see more of. This is, I think, how everyone develops their own definition of beauty — and of coolness. It's largely the intersection of what we find most interesting, and what we want to see more of in the world. Because beauty and coolness, by definition, are rare and hard to find. If they were everywhere, nothing be beautiful, nor would anything be cool.

When we all turn into wrinkles and cataracts, bad backs and heart attacks, for a brief, glorious moment, our lives are going to flash before our eyes. In this moment, you'll see your story. The ultimate progression of you.

How much of that will be skibidi toilet and reaction clips? How much of that will be arguing on the internet? Can you tell me, just how much of your life will you have skipped over to pacify your intentionally-lowered attention span?

That girl whose number you couldn't find Those passing questions over coffee that you couldn't search on Google The boredom of a subway ride

Those are not inconveniences, they're what the older generations refer to as "life."

* (oh, but if you can't sleep, consider this aside: Google knows the angle you walk at, how fast you're walking, and they've got crowdsourced pictures of everywhere around you at all times of the day. fun bedtime thoughts <3)

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Pyjamafication

John Boyne: hey it's me, John Boyne Boyne: author of 'the boy in the striped pyjamas' Boyne: [whispers] a fable Boyne: and have i got an offer Boyne: for you!!!

Boyne: so i wrote the boy in the striped pyjamas Boyne: [whispers] a fable Boyne: to educate people about the holocaust's littlest victims Boyne: the sad children of concentration camp commandants

Boyne: and i wrote a sequel 'all the broken places' Boyne to educate people about the holocaust's other littlest victims Boyne: more sad children of concentration camp commandants

Boyne: but Boyne: there are so many atrocities out there Boyne: how can i help children understand them all in the same non-threatening, family-friendly way? Boyne: well, my new series of genocide education easy readers answers exactly that question…

Boyne: teachers are already so excited that they've dubbed the process 'pyjamification' Boyne: and what's pyjamafication, you ask? Boyne: Boyne: um we don't need to get into the details about that

Boyne: you can start with 'the boy in the striped osnaburg shirt' Boyne: it's about the wonderfully innocent child of a plantation overseer Boyne: who befriends a boy toiling in the cotton fields Boyne: but our child narrator is so innocent he doesn't even know what slavery is

Boyne: see, he doesn't see color Boyne: he doesn't care if you're black, white, green or purple Boyne: he just sees Boyne: human beings Boyne: damn, from the mouths of babes am i right?

Boyne: or pick up 'the boy in the striped war bonnet' Boyne: its about the wonderfully innocent child of a cowboy Boyne: who one day befriends a boy on a reservation Boyne: but our child narrator is so innocent he doesn't even know what small pox is

Boyne: or pick up 'the boy in the striped keffiyeh' Boyne: it's about the wonderfully innocent child of a 22 year old IDF general/tik tok influencer/bulldozer operator

Boyne: who one day befriends a boy in an open air concentration camp Boyne: but our child narrator is so innocent he doesn't even know what apartheid is

Boyne: one day the boy in the striped keffiyeh is mysteriously killed by mysterious carpet bombing of unknown origin Boyne: who can say what caused it? Boyne: i guess we'll never know

Boyne: but whether we're talking about auschwitz or gaza or rwanda Boyne: there's one thing we can learn from the fabulous stories of these strange and exotic fictional locales! Boyne: and that's Boyne: 'sometimes bad things happen and it's just no one's fault'

[chut-je-dors]

Hello! Do you happen to know any good resources for learning Finnish? As basic as possible, I literally started on Duolingo half an hour ago:) I know, I know, I'm a poser for learning Finnish *after* Käärijä, but the language sounds soooo interesting (although I've heard the grammar is quite difficult...). Thank you in advance and also love your blog:)))))

Hi!! So very very ecstatic that you've decided to learn Finnish! No reason to feel ashamed that you'd only start after Käärijä... believe me, in Finland people are just altogether very taken if a foreigner wants to learn Finnish, no matter the reason. (And all reasons for learning a language are good!) (And we're SO SO PROUD of Käärijä, he's done a monumental job of bringing our language to the public eye more than ANYONE ELSE BEFORE so, yup! He's a VERY good reason to start learning Finnish!!)

I'm not sure if I'm the right person to point you towards any resources... But I tried finding some for you! I've checked out the Duolingo course and it's a good place to begin! Here's also a drive folder that has some Finnish language books as PDFs.

Also here's a page for beginner's Finnish from our national news media Yle (it's like our version of BBC).

Here is a "picture book" kind of a page for learning names for objects, good to start with!

Here's an online course for beginners! This has grammar too, and links for further reading and studying.

Finnish is also notorious for having it's written language differ drastically from how people actually speak. We don't have accents per se, but dialects instead, which don't just affect the way we pronounce words (=accents, as in English) but the way we form them. So for example, the written Finnish "I am" is "minä olen", but in spoken Finnish it can become e.g. "mä oon", "mää oon", "mie oon", depending on where you live (and there might be some more variations as well but these are the most common ones.) Many foreigners find themselves in a spot where they can read and understand written Finnish pretty well, then the moment a Finnish person opens their mouth it's a bloodbath. But don't let it deter you! And Finnish people are more than happy to switch to written Finnish if you don't understand them. I found this website for learning the basics for spoken Finnish!

A good place is also good ole Youtube! Just type in "Finnish for beginners" and you're set to go!

Finnish is a difficult language to learn because of the grammar and lack of prepositions if your language has them... but look at it this way, I struggle with them in any language that uses them cos I haven't grown up using them. I still occasionally mess up with in/on or for/to (it's even worse with French and Swedish). Doesn't stop me from writing 100k fics in English apparently!

Welcome to learning Finnish! Remember that the most important thing is to learn the swear words, you'll go far with those. Just drop in a perkele and it's always the right thing to say haha.

Jokes aside, I'm very happy to hear this! Finnish is a very beautiful language and a very inventive one as well, which allows for more word play and creativity with the language than, say, English for example. And while Finnish is difficult, you'll find that once you've learnt the rules, there are no exceptions to them or the kind of hassle with the grammar as there is to English or French. I've known exchange students who've learnt near perfect Finnish in less than a year!

If anyone knows and wants to add more good resources here, go ahead!

[kkotda]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KKOTDA (DEAR-KOI) ˖°𓇼

for a month with so little notable (national - us) holidays, august sure is a busy month for dear-koi (both this blog and i have our birthdays in august!). to celebrate, i am planning on opening rolling slots for art requests! it'll be on a first come first served basis. i will close requests on september 1, 2024 (no more requests will be accepted when september starts)

what this means:

all of my followers, mutuals or not, are eligible to participate! please no requests sent with anonymous! they will not be honored! (i don't plan on publically posting requests unless given explicit permission! so please allow images in your ask box or dms open!)

please continue reading to learn how to participate and other important rules!

how to participate:

in an ask (or dm if we're mutuals), tell me what you'd like! character only art and selfship are the ones i'm most comfortable doing, but i'm willing to hear out other requests (oc's for example). maximum of 7 requests (characters) per person are allowed! note: you will not need to provide me with any sort of monetary compensation in order to participate! i will not accept any monetary compensation! (i don't have the means to do so). this is supposed to be all in good fun, to practice and develop a style i think suits me! so taking money for making your request a guinea pig would make me feel all types of guilty (if you really feel the need, tell me your favorite song(s)! i'm always open to new music! better yet, donate to a palestinian family!) for selfship art requests, please also include a picrew from which i can color pick (i.e. the more accurate the picrew's colors are, the more personable it can be!) and reference poses. if the picrew is not accurate, please feel free to provide preferred hex codes or color 'swatches'! vague descriptions like dark brown aren't very helpful and might make the situation uncomfortable (though i will of course honor any changes that are needed!). i will honor character requests from any media even if i am not a part of said fandom group! (i will ask for no idol/celebrity requests though because i am uncomfortable with that, sorry in advance for any inconvenience!) for oc art, please provide as many details, references, picrews as possible. i absolutely do not want to mess something as precious and valuable as an oc up. i will try my very best to fulfill your request to fit the image you had in mind! tl;dr: give me so much information i have to spend days reading (also i forgot to say this but if you'd like a background that isn't white, you're more than welcome to change the color! transparent is also an option!)

ok to draw:

people (characters, etc), small animals (like pets), sfw (suggestive is also okay with enough reference pictures!), chibi

not ok to draw:

nsfw (i'm not that good yet, i'm sorry T-T), gore/horror, overly complicated things (i'll let you know if it gets too complicated)—basically just ask, and i will tell you!

please keep in mind:

i am slowly getting back into drawing (but i was never good in the first place tbh...) so i'm still very much learning! my art style currently is still a lot of mimicking (i do not use fanart as references, please don't misunderstand!!!), and as such i will ask you all to keep your expectations very very low T-T like rock bottom low...

default art will have a white background! i can and will color if colors are provided! (but there won't be any crazy good rendering, i'm sorry ;-;)

the purpose of this event is me practicing and learning art, but it's also me giving back to my beautiful friends who make the world go round! thank you so much for trusting me with your request(s) and i will do my utmost to make it come to life! if you'd like a 'portfolio' of sorts, please search the lovekoi tag! it is my art tag that i'm using and all of my stuff will be there (there's not a whole bunch though unfortunately >.<)

if you have any questions, please ask! i feel like i've left out a lot of things...

and finally, some parting words:

dear-koi has come a really long way i think. i moved here on a whim and essentially lost all of my previous mutuals (i should've just shared the url... </3) but you all found me again! and new people found me too! i'm so honored to have been worthy of the follow to following transition, you guys will not believe the squeals every time people i've looked up to like big time became mutuals with me... it's still crazy to me actually... but that aside, thank you for spending my birthday and dear-koi's 1st anniversary with me! here's to many more!

i love you all, please remember to smile today ᰔᩚ

[bellebridgerton]

His Diamond: Chapter 3 (Anthony Bridgerton x plus size!fem!reader)

✨Masterlist✨

✨Previous Chapter✨

Y/n's morning was filled with many callers, her plan had worked.

Among the many callers, Anthony Bridgerton was there. Y/n was only slightly surprised, he must just be keeping up appearances. She graciously accepted the flowers from each caller, while her mama stood off to the side. Y/n knew her dear mama must have been giddy on the inside.

Finally, it was time for Anthony to have time with Y/n, he gave her a wicked smile, then bowed to her. Y/n curtsied, noting his expression, she sat down on the sofa with him. Anthony sat so close to her that their knees touched. In polite society, especially if they were in public, that would be the start of a scandal. Anthony was the first to speak, "How are you this beautiful morning?"

Y/n shifted her legs a bit, if they were in the Bridgerton home, she wouldn't have minded the physical contact, but this was an event, she had to remain composed. Y/n smiled, "I am very well, how are you, Lord Bridgerton?"

Anthony smiled a genuine smile, "I too am well, busy, but well."

Y/n giggled, "No more falling asleep in your study?"

Anthony chuckled, "I cannot promise it won't happen again."

Y/n nodded, understanding Anthony worked hard and he did important work. She smiled softly at Anthony, "Not that I don't enjoy your company, you know I do, but are you intending to court me? We did dance together twice last night, and you're here this morning. It's just, you made it very clear what you want in a marriage, that's not what I want. It wouldn't be right if we courted, knowing that we want different things."

Anthony gently placed his hand over hers, he looked at her with furrowed eyebrows, "I can provide for you, you would want for nothing. My family already loves you, and I know our children will be beautiful, kind, and smart. Y/n, I am not the most romantic man, but we are friends, is that not the best thing for a man and wife to be?" Anthony sighed softly, "I know what I want, dear Y/n, and I know I could give you a good life."

Y/n didn't know what more she could say to him, "I see, you have certainly thought this through."

Anthony nodded, "I have." He stood up, only to get down on one knee, "Y/n Y/L/n, will you marry me?" He removed a small, black velvet box from his pocket, opening it to reveal a beautiful pearl ring, the ring his father gave his mother.

Y/n looked between Anthony and the ring, she tried to rationalize. They are friends, she does love him, he would give her a comfortable life. A thought entered her head, maybe he would eventually learn to love her. Maybe she could change him. She smiled widely, nodding, "Yes."

As he slipped the ring onto her finger, he noticed it was a perfect fit. Anthony stood up, Y/n followed suit and looked at the ring. Anthony smiled softly, "It was my mother's ring."

Y/n gazed up at Anthony, "It is beautiful."

He figured since they were now engaged, he could keep her close to him, he hand rested on her lower back, "We should tell my family at dinner tonight, they will be happy for us."

Lady Y/L/n witnessed the whole proposal, she was so excited and proud, her daughter was going to be a viscountess! She approached the new couple, "This is indeed a cause for celebration, we shall host a ball tomorrow, in honor of your impending nuptuals!"

Y/n looked at her mama, "Mama, there is no need for that, dinner with the Bridgertons is enough for me."

Her mama waved her hand dismissively, "Nonsense, darling, we are having a ball tomorrow night!"

Anthony chuckled softly, slightly hiding his amusement behind Y/n, "It would be a fun way to publically announce our engagement."

Placing a hand on Anthony's chest, having been obviously overruled, Y/n sighed, "Fine, fine, we're having a ball."

Anthony placed a kiss on her cheek, "Thank you, wife."

Laughing, Y/n looked at Anthony, "We're not married yet, my lord."

Anthony smiled his playful smile, "Practicing, my dear."

That night at the Bridgerton home, the air was electric, everyone was waiting in anticipation for Anthony to explain. Anthony had informed his mother they'd be having guests, but nothing of who they would be and what the occasion was.

The head butler entered the drawing room, "Lord Bridgerton, your guests have arrived."

Anthony arose from his chair, "Thank you, I will be there momentarily."

Gregory and Hyacinth blocked the doors, Hyacinth spoke first, "Brother, will you please tell us who they are?"

Gregory followed her up, "Please?"

Anthony's face softened, "You would already know by now if you were not standing in the way of the doors." The two youngest Bridgertons quickly opened the doors, running down the stairs. Anthony smiled, "Slow down, do not crowd our guests."

Hyacinth quickly saw Y/n come into view, "Y/n, you're here!" She hugged Y/n, exctied to see her. Y/n returned the hug, holding Hyacinth close, but Hyacinth pulled back, taking Y/n's hands in hers. She sees Y/n's ring, "It's beautiful, who are you marrying?" Hyacinth hadn't remembered her mother's ring.

Anthony finally caught up with his youngest siblings, "Y/n is marrying me. That is the reason for celebration tonight. In two month's time, my dear Y/n will be a Bridgerton, my viscountess."

Violet's hand covered her mouth, then rested on her adbomen, "Oh, dearest, I'm so happy!" She hugged Y/n, gently pulling back to cup Y/n's face in her hands, "Welcome to the family, my dearest. Although, you've always been another daughter to me, it does seem only fiting that you should join our family, especially at Anthony's side." Violet loved Y/n and she knew Anthony did truly care for her.

Y/n blushed, "Thank you, Violet, that means the world to me."

Hyacinth interjected, "We are to be sisters!" The rest of the Bridgerton siblings smiled at that. Hyacinth cheered and danced around, earning laughs from everyone in attendance.

Eloise snickered, "My best friend and my brother, how perfect."

Violet turned to Eloise, "Perhaps seeing two people you love find happines will inspire you, dearest."

Eloise linked arms with Y/n, "I highly doubt that, Mama."

Everyone entered the dining room together, Eloise at Y/n's side, Anthony on Y/n's other side. Violet stood at one head of the table, "Y/n, dearest, you will be lady of the house soon enough, sit here, my love."

Y/ walked over to Violet, "You're still the lady of the house, it is your seat."

Anthony couldn't help but feel a warmth in his chest at witnessing the kindness of his future bride. He spoke up, "Yn, my dear, sit beside me this evening, I would like my wife to be close to me."

Y/n walked to the other head of the table, sitting down on the right side of the head of the table, as Anthony pushed her chair in for her. After everyone was seated, Y/n spoke, "Thank you everyone, for being so supportive of our engagement, it means a lot to us."

Anthony took her left hand in his, so her engagement ring was visible, "It certainly does." As he looked around the dinner table he saw only people he cared deeply about. That worried him, he had so much to lose.

✨Next Chapter✨

Taglist: @unholyhuntress

[countrymusiclover]

6 - Here's to Aerys Targaryen

Part 7

The Lion Knight and Dragon Princess

Tags- just send an ask to be added @cdragons @kmc1989 @starkleila @noirrose21-blog @lover-of-books-and-tea

Hearing the chamber door open behind me where I turned my head around seeing a young girl who looked to be the right age of 15 or 16 with auburn hair tied up in a bun and gray Stark eyes staring directly at me with confusion written on her face. “Who are you? This is my chamber, not yours.” 

“I'm your new lady in waiting, my lady.  My name is Clarrise Arther.” I curtsied before her with a weak smile hoping she would find me alright. 

She clasped her hands together in front of her stomach. “How long have you been a lady in waiting?” 

“I actually just started today. But I am a quick learner.” I said with confidence in my voice. 

The Stark girl paused walking towards me. “Who hired you?’ 

“Tyrion Lannister, Lady Stark.” 

Sansa clicked her tongue sitting down in the chair by her vanity. “Alright. Could you brush my hair?” 

“Of course.” I replied doing as she asked and I found myself thinking about Amber when doing so.  I wish my father hadn't sent her off to another area of the castle to work rather than be able to hang out with me. 

Hours later it was daytime when I began to stroll the hallways on my own. I could make note of how much everything had changed inside my former home.  The family portraits and Targaryen flags had been torn down and burned leaving no existence of my family's rule.  Somehow with the swaying of my dress I could see the bits of fire ash on the stone floor on the now clean floor before me.  This wasn’t anything like my home growing up was. 

“You monster. Myrcella is my only daughter. Do you really think I'll let you sell her like a common whore?” I heard the Queen's voice coming from the shut chamber door that I had passed. 

I backed up pressing my ear against the wooden door to listen. “Myrcella's a princess. Some would say she was born for this.” 

“I will not let you ship her off to Dorne like I was shipped off to Robert Baratheon.” Cersei growled in his face. 

Tyrion responded back. “Dorne is the safest place for her.” 

“Are you mad the Marvel's loathe us.” 

He said back. “That’s why we need to seduce them.  We're going to need their support in the war your son started.” 

“She'll be a hostage.” 

He corrected her. “A guest.” 

“You think the piece of paper father gave you keeps you safe.  Ned Stark had a piece of paper too.” She bared her teeth. 

Tyrion replied softly. “It's done, Cersei.” 

“No.” 

His voice moved away from the door. “You cannot stop it.” 

“No!” Cersei must have knocked over things on the table because I heard glass shattering. 

“Just how safe do you think she will be if the city is sacked. Do you want to see raped, butchard like the Targaryen children. Make no mistake they'll mount her pretty little head on a spike right beside yours.” Tyrion warned her and I shook in fear when he mentioned the death of my siblings. 

Cersei shouted at him. “Get out!. Get out!” 

“Vaella.  I didn't expect to see you out here.  What's wrong?” Tyrion bumped into me when he rushed out of the room. 

I responded by rubbing the back of my neck not meaning to spy on the young lion and his sister. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to spy.” 

“Don’t apologize for spying. That is one of the key things you must learn when you play the game.” 

Knitting my brows at him I asked. “The game. What do you mean?” 

“The game that is surviving this world of politics and fending for yourself.” Tyrion responded looking up at me. “Always know as many people as you can.  You have to be one step ahead of everyone you encounter.” 

My father had taught me that lesson the night he died. 

“You wanted to see me, father.” I slowly walked forward with Jaime standing near the bottom stairs, hand resting on his sword handle.  

My father sat on his throne scratching at his bleeding hand that he had cut on the metal chair when he say down. “You will be Wed off to Tywin Lannister.” 

“What! No, I won't.” I sharply snapped back at him. 

My father raised his voice. “You dare defy my orders, child.  I have already claimed your brother Rhaegar a traitor but I never expected you. Guards, seize her!” 

“Your Grace, surely you can spare her. She's your daughter.” Jaime softly spoke to him. 

My father sent him a glare. “Be quiet, Lannister!” 

“Father, please don't do this.” I winced when two guards grabbed my arms and held me tightly in their grips. 

Aerys Targaryen rose from his chair shouting down to me with such furry in his voice. “You have betrayed me, daughter. You are no longer loyal to me and for that I sentence you to die.” 

“My king, she's your daughter.” Jaime attempted a second time doing his best to not let too much emotion cross his facial expression. 

He didn't care not change his mind. “Shut up! Vaella Targaryen I sentence you to die. Burn her like the others.” 

“Your Grace, Robert Baratheon has reached the gates.” Another guard entered the throne room. 

My father sat back down on his throne waving his hand. “Let her go.  We have other traitors to attend to.” 

“How do you plan on doing that?” 

Horrifying words that would haunt me for the rest of my life came from his mouth. “Burn them all - burn them all!” 

“Vaella! You need to get out of here right now.”  Jaime helped me up from the ground and I gripped his forearm for balance. “There’s an escape hole under the tunnels. Go to the tunnel and my brother Tyrion will be there. Look for blonde hair and he's short.” 

“What about you?” I asked feeling my heart trying to beat out of my chest. 

He holds my shoulders in his hands. “I'll make sure he doesn’t send the guards after you. But I just want you to be safe.  You are one of the only people I care about.” Nodding my head I ran up the stairs and around the corner yet I halted in my tracks hearing my father utter those words over and over. 

“Burn them all!” 

Hiding behind the nearest pillar I peaked my head around watching Jaime slowly stalk behind my father who had risen from the throne shouting those three words over and over repeatedly. “Oh my god!” I shrieked, clutching my eyes closed after Jaime’s sword was stabbed into the back of his back and his body collapsed to the steps after he drew his sword out. 

A few other guards and Ned Stark entered the room quickly with Robert Baratheon all stunned at the sight before them. “Crown who you damn well like.” Jaime grumbled sitting on the throne with his half stained in blood sword.  Holding my hands over my mouth I couldn't form words knowing the realm would never be the same. 

[laerien]

While I'm not necessarily ecstatic about The Acolyte being cancelled as far as the future of Star Wars television goes, rewatching the first season of Rings of Power solidified my thoughts about why I think the former needed a bit more work.

The premises are pretty similar: a story based in a time we haven't seen yet in a world that has extensive lore but lots of grey area. Rings of Power and The Acolyte both capitalized on this to take liberties and add several new aspects; whether to genuinely add to the story or to fit into a studio's motive is anyone's guess. Both had fantastical aspects, established orders who refused to believe evil was returning, love vs duty debates, and an exploration of morality.

As a Tolkien fan, I was left feeling indifferent about RoP when it first aired. There were several things I thought would be established in canon that were suddenly changed, yet there were new additions and stories that I could still trace to very evident Tolkien motifs. While not perfect, the new characters, relationships, and storylines all sat clearly on a timeline that would undoubtedly lead to the Middle-earth we knew from the existing media. The dark was gone, it's returning, and we're going to figure out who, how, and why.

As a Star Wars fan, I thought I was very open to The Acolyte coming in and creating some new stories on the timeline. I have to give them some credit, as the majority of the characters were new to avoid blatant fanservice. However, with so much room to work with, I suppose I expected a clearer establishment of the story. A lot of time was spent with so many new characters and world building, and for what? We know Star Wars for being a battle for a better galaxy, just like the LotR franchise is a battle for a better Middle-earth. Without the war, but with knowing the Sith didn't canonically reappear until the prequel era, what was the intention of the season? The Jedi Order exists, the Sith are hinting at a return, but we're not going to figure out anything by the end of the season besides small hints that the Jedi Order is already corrupt, both Mae and Osha would give up everything we learned about them in their backstories in a single moment for something they've been fighting against the whole season, and Darth Plageius is hiding in the shadows even though there's a rule of two and Qimir's motive of having an acolyte to fulfill the rule of two is supposed to still make sense? Everything else that happened in the season is inconsequential to a larger picture, and I think that's why I struggled to understand it, despite genuinely liking several aspects of it.

I recently rewatched Rings of Power, so it's fresh and, while not without flaws, it was an excellent juxtaposition to The Acolyte. By the end of the season, RoP gave us an immensely satisfying answer to the Sauron plot point given in the first episode. It began each storyline, played adequately in each one, and wrapped up each one, all while leaving plenty of mystery in a way I found exciting. The Acolyte had appeared to have all the characters revolving around one story: the Jedi stopping a mysterious dark force from murdering more Jedi. The audience was left out of the loop on so many important things, that, by the time they were revealed, we already had more questions lined up. For all the work they did in making characters with fleshed out backstories, none of it seemed to matter when they made a choice that seemed irrelevant to it all.

I think I'm mostly annoyed that the Acolyte was cancelled because I hoped they could redeem themselves in a second season. Although, I think that annoyance is about equal to watching the finale and realizing the few mysteries solved were either full of holes or just confusing. If anyone can clearly explain to me if I'm missing something huge about the Acolyte's plot and character choices, I am very open to it. It's always exciting to see something new in the fandom, and it's always discouraging to feel like you side more with the never-happy fan trolls.

In any case, let's hope the second season of Rings of Power survives these never-happy fan trolls. I'm catching a screening tonight, but would also love to hear if people think I'm missing something terrible with this show.

[fullstcp]

"The Tortured Poets Department: The Anthology" by Taylor Swift Sentence Starters

THE BLACK DOG

"I am someone who until recent events you shared your secrets with."

"I just don't understand how you don't miss me."

"Old habits die screaming."

"I move through the world with the heartbroken."

"My longings stay unspoken."

"I may never open up the way I did for you."

"I still can't believe it."

IMGONNAGETYOUBACK

"I can tell when somebody still wants me."

"I'm gonna get you back."

"I'll make you wanna think twice."

"You'll find that you were never not mine."

"I might just love you 'til the end."

"Push the reset button, we're becoming something new."

"Say you've got somebody, I'll say I got someone too."

"Told my friends I hate you, but I love you just the same."

"Pick your poison, babe, I'm poison either way."

THE ALBATROSS

"Cross your thoughtless hearts."

"One bad seed kills the garden."

"I'd visit in your dreams."

"They tried to warn you about me."

"Devils that you know raise worse hell than a stranger."

"She's/he's/they're the death you chose."

"You're in terrible danger."

"I tried to warn you about them."

CHLOE OR SAM OR SOPHIA OR MARCUS

"Your hologram stumbled into my apartment."

"And I just watched it happen."

"If you wanna break my cold, cold heart, just say, 'I loved you the way that you were'."

"You said some things I can't unabsorb."

"You turned me into an idea of sorts."

"I crashed into you, like so many wrecks do."

"Could it be enough to just float in your orbit?"

"Will I always wonder?"

HOW DID IT END?

"Our maladies were such we could not cure them."

"A touch that was my birthright became foreign."

"Come one, come all, it's happening again."

"We'll tell no one except all of our friends."

"How did it end?"

"We were blind to unforeseen circumstances."

"We learned the right steps to different dances."

"Didn't you hear? They called it off."

"Say it once again with feeling."

"I can't pretend like I understand."

SO HIGH SCHOOL

"I feel so high school when I look at you."

"I wanna find you in a crowd just to hide from you."

"Tell me 'bout the first time you saw me."

"Are you gonna marry, kiss or kill me?"

"No one's ever had me, not like you."

"It's true, swear, scouts honor."

"You knew you wanted, and you got it."

I HATE IT HERE

"Quick, quick, tell me something awful."

"Tell me all your secrets."

"All you'll ever be is my eternal consolation prize."

"I don't believe in good luck."

"Seems like it was never even fun back then."

"If I'd been there, I'd hate it."

"I'm lonely, but I'm good."

"I'm bitter, but I swear I'm fine."

"This place made me feel worthless."

THANK YOU AIMEE

"All that time you were throwing punches, I was building something."

"I can't forgive the way you made me feel."

"Your words are still just ringing in my head."

"I built a legacy that you can't undo."

"There wouldn't be this if there hadn't been you."

"I don't think you've changed much."

I LOOK IN PEOPLE'S WINDOWS

"I had died the tiniest death."

"What if your eyes looked up and met mine one more time?"

"Does it feel alright to not know me?"

"I'm addicted to the 'if only'."

THE PROPHECY

"Thought I caught lightning in a bottle."

"Change the prophecy."

"I just want someone who enjoys my company."

"Even statutes crumble if they're made to wait."

"I'm so afraid I sealed my fate."

CASSANDRA

"Do you believe me now?"

"I was in my tower weaving nightmares."

"What doesn't kill you makes you aware."

"They knew the whole time that I was onto something."

"Bet they never spared a prayer for my soul."

"That's where I was when I lost it all."

PETER

"Is it something I did?"

"I thought it was just goodbye for now."

"You said you were gonna grow up."

"Are you still a mind reader?"

"Life was always easier on you than it was on me."

"We both did the best we could do."

"I didn't wanna hang around."

"I won't confess that I waited."

"Love's never lost when perspective is earned."

"The shelf life of those fantasies has expired."

"Please know that I tried to hold onto the days when you were mine."

THE BOLTER

"We must stop meeting like this."

"Hearts are hers/his/theirs for the breaking."

"There's escape in escaping."

ROBIN

"Long may you reign."

"You have no room in your dreams for regret."

"The time will arrive for the cruel and the mean."

THE MANUSCRIPT

"I'm not a donor, but I'd give you my heart if you needed it."

"Looking backwards might be the only way to move forward."

"The story isn't mine anymore."

[childofthewolvess]

Healing from spiritual psychosis—a survivor's journey from delusion and depression, to happiness and purpose as a practicing pagan.

❗❗This post may not be suitable for audiences under 18. TW: psychosis, mania, delusion, suid*dal ideation, ab*se, religious trauma, manipulation, and mental health struggles in general. Reader discretion is highly advised.❗❗

This one is gonna be long. As a disclaimer, this story is a highly interpersonal journey to me and unique to my experience. I absolutely do not speak for everyone who has experienced spiritual psychosis, and if you want to know more generally about spiritual psychosis, check out my post on spiritual psychosis, what it is, and how to recognize the signs.

To say that I have a crazy story would be an understatement. I kid you not, this will probably be the craziest, most roller-coaster thing you read this entire week. Buckle up, because we're going in.

By telling this story, I hope that I can both help to spread awareness of the dangers of spiritual psychosis, and that recovery is possible. My wish is that this post will help to comfort another person who is still in the healing process from spiritual psychosis, because you are not alone! It is possible to live a religious and spiritual life following a spiritual psychosis episode.

But I will be honest—it is a battle, a journey, and a fight. I was not practicing any religion for close to two years. It wasn't easy, healing isn't all sparkles and glitter, and this story does not go through a linear healing process. In fact, I've been brainstorming how to just format this post for weeks. I'm going to attempt to follow this story chronologically with titles separating different sections.

My background as an autistic military kid and my susceptibility to spiritual psychosis

I have always been fascinated in the occult and drawn to the unusual. As early as I could remember, I had a tendency to see my spirit guides in my rest; I would pray to wolf spirits; I was obsessed with astrology as soon as I learned about it; I would make potions and spells without knowing what I was doing. I was born with an inherent trust and fascination in the mystical—I am an open individual to new ideas, highly imaginative (I write fantasy, after all), and did not grow up in a hyper-religious household. My mom always assumed it was my creativity and imagination speaking in a strange way, but never seemed to be worried about curious religious beliefs when I was a child and teenager. In fact, my family didn't go to church. We were vaguely Christian, celebrating Easter and Christmas, but I was not grown up under a strict, "if you don't believe in God you're going to Hell."

I never grew up scared or fearful of the mystical or religious; I grew up under a highly scientific and militaristic background. I was a military kid. I moved every couple of years to a new place. This shaped my entire perception of the world around me, very quickly—I was an outsider, even from the very start. I was the new kid, the outcast, always feeling like I didn't belong and questioning where I belonged in the first place. I was extroverted, loud, and autistic as well, but since I grew up amongst non-stop change packing up my life and moving on every couple of years, I didn't experience any fear for change. This... created so many problems. That's a story for my therapist.

It created problems, though, specifically in my adaptability and trust. I have always known myself to be an outsider, and because of that, I was not afraid to view myself as an outsider in the religious world. Being a military kid was a massive factor in fueling my spiritual psychosis, because as a teenager, I was in desperate search for a purpose and a sense of family/community. I grew up without stability, and learned to create my own stability. This would be my ultimate downfall and greatest strength as I grew older.

The other major factor that set me up for susceptibility to spiritual psychosis were my disabilities. I learn quickly and deeply with my special interests. I jump from topic to topic with a massive amount of energy with my ADHD. I am prone to obsessions and wanting to check them, as I have lived with extremely severe (now-medicated) Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder my whole life. This, combined with growing up as a military kid, brewed the perfect storm to strike me down when I was a teenager.

How my spiritual psychosis began, and how deeply it impacted all parts of my life

When I was 14 years old, after living in a state for 4 years (the longest I'd ever lived anywhere and finally felt a sense of stability), my life was thrown for a massive loop when I had to move to an entirely different state and go into a high school with complete strangers. I'm not exaggerating when I say that was rough on me. My mental health rapidly declined after I moved states. I was stuck in a transitional period—while I was in a new high school with people I didn't know, I was still talking online to my friends in my previous state. It was gut-wrenching for me to see them having fun with each other in high school while I felt like a silhouette, back to being the autistic new kid amongst a massive school of thousands I didn't know. But this time, it was high school, full of cliques I couldn't fit in, and judgement for who I was.

At this time, I was communicating with one spirit guide in particular. I was still identifying as a Christian, but I had an animal spirit guide who I'd met before I even moved. I would do meditations routinely to ask for this spirit guide's advice and knowledge. I built trust with him (the guide) very quickly, as prior to moving, there was no reason for me not to trust this guide.

Literally mere months after I moved, I started slipping quickly into spiritual psychosis. When I had been previously su*cidal and chronically depressed, I suddenly entered a rapid mania and happiness to the point where I believed there was absolutely nothing wrong. I was placed on a new hormonal medication for my chronic disorder that made me even more susceptible to delusion due to the hormone. It began with the belief of twin flames; this was a coping method because A), I didn't like men and had a shit ton of internalized homophobia, and B), I thought my twin flame was one of my previous friends living in the other state. Another friend from said state affirmed this belief, unfortunately, and this would lead to a chaotic and fast borderline-schizophrenic downfall. Nothing is more dangerous than an outside force reassuring someone with OCD that their delusional obsession is real.

My spirit guide confirmed and reassured me that I was correct in my friend being my twin flame (this wasn't true). I began meditating every single night, as soon as I got home from school slipping into a trance to talk to my spirit guide. I then started to believe that I was a healer chosen by God, and that's why I met my twin flame so early in life. This cascaded into the belief that I received "visions" of my future with my "twin flame" (it was maladaptive daydreaming). Then I started to believe that I was talking to the spirits of my future children with my twin flame. Then I believed I was literally pregnant with an angel spirit, gave birth, and visited heaven. I was taking care of a ghost angel child every moment of my day. And then, catch this, after stopping my belief in that, I believed I was an angel living on earth sent to heal others. I was not at all existing in the real world.

This all was affirmed by my spirit guide at the time, even though it wasn't true, whatsoever. I literally built a spiritual family and world that loved me because I was lacking it in the physical. And it was encouraged by my spirit guide.

Sure, I was a band kid, and sure, I forced myself through my homework, but in my head, I was nowhere near the present, constantly dissociated and losing more and more sleep to meditations where I'd "travel" to the spiritual realm to talk to these "spirits" (again, it was maladaptive daydreaming, lol). This lasted over a course of six months while gradually worsening. To my parents, I looked like I was fine—it was all happening in my head, and I was highly isolated within my bedroom. I did appear to be happy. But if you look at pictures of me during this time, it is incredibly, terrifyingly visible how I was not occupying my physical body and the world around me.

Let's compare that photo of me in 2018 (16 years old) to a photo that was taken of me in 2023 (20 years old), happy and healthy post-healing from spiritual psychosis:

Notice the difference?

Directly after snapping out of spiritual psychosis, and being in a vulnerable state, I was taken advantage of.

This spiritual psychosis would dramatically crash down on a random Wednesday my sophomore year of high school. Both the friends that were related to my spiritual psychosis suddenly cut me off right before I realized it all wasn't real. I got off the medication that I was prescribed directly before my spiritual psychosis began. I woke up in the middle of the night with the sudden awareness that nothing I had experienced was real. It sent me into the worst depressive episode I've ever lived through. To this day, I struggle to describe to others the massive loss that I experienced when I snapped out of my mania. I quite literally grieved a family that I had built, my whole world, and my life got flipped upside down as everything I knew to be real was suddenly not. I was completely, totally alone, in a world that I was unfamiliar with, around people I hadn't known, in a body that I hadn't been in for months due to dissociation. It was the ultimate Tower moment. I had no idea who to talk to, how to ever trust myself ever again, let alone the intense guilt that suddenly plagued me from the sense of knowing that I hadn't found my twin flame, and I had been imagining sick and twisted fantasies of living my life with him.

I realized I was obsessive. I said goodbye to the spirit guide previously guiding me. I had a snow leopard guide for a few months, as I still connected with the idea of spirit guides, but strictly didn't allow her to tell me anything even remotely associated with religion. She was there for comfort, for guidance, and I will forever be thankful of this short-lived spirit guide's protection and care to help me to stay alive in my darkest night.

After stabilizing my mental health, I began to see a black wolf run alongside me in my dreams; the same black wolf I saw as a child. He was familiar, and I began to work with him. I immediately noticed a massive difference in how he communicated with me, versus how my spirit guide during my spiritual psychosis communicated with me. I began to learn healthy communication from spirit guides, and he would stay by my side even when I had no religious beliefs as I healed and reevaluated my entire morality and faith structure. I knew that he was a real spirit, and that I could trust him—he would tell me as it was, he wouldn't glorify, he would protect me from my own self. He was a voice of reason, and I understood quickly that he had been waiting for my previous spirit guide to depart to help walk me back to who I was before I experienced spiritual psychosis. He encouraged me to restart in college, follow my heart, and realize that high school was temporary.

And then I got a warning from him. The first time I'd ever received a warning from a spirit guide. A warning that told me I was about to be in deep, deep trouble.

I received my OCD diagnosis. I relied on my writing to escape, forced myself to try to make friends, but that was... unfortunate. I didn't know or understand how to make a good friend as a teenager; how could I, when I hadn't even been in my body for months? I'd only had friends in middle school, and I hadn't yet learned social dynamics as an autistic person. With all these factors, I was incredibly vulnerable. I was sadly taken advantage of by my abuser. I had maybe a six month gap in between spiritual psychosis and being forced into a relationship with an incredibly manipulative and life-threatening abuser. He would deliberately attack every aspect of my life that were already damaged and unsteady. I was nothing, and that is no exaggeration—I was only a writer knowing I wanted to survive solely so I would finish my book. Though I didn't slip back into spiritual psychosis, I was basically reduced to a body without a soul by this said individual as he had a plan to k*ll me. He'd get away with it morally, if I was worthless and better off dead, anyway.

And knowing that he was trying to make me nothing, I decided to fight. My spirit woke back up that day. I was suddenly alive again to survive.

So, yeah, I went through spiritual psychosis and then immediately got into a relationship with a psychopath with serial killer tendencies. I wish I was joking about that. That's my luck, y'all.

During this intense and severe trauma lasting over a year before I moved to college, I was protected by my black wolf spirit guide. He was a force of comfort, of wisdom, and I inherently understood in myself he wanted me to survive with my own strength. Not delusion; not escape; but instead the power within myself to stand up against my abuser, take hold of my life, and get out. He helped me in my discovery that I was a lesbian, and I would end up breaking up with my abuser for this reason.

I moved to college after about 6 months of healing at the end of high school from that previous situation. It was a massive restart, one that my wolf spirit guide led me to because of my newfound love for nature and its truthful guidance.

I had completely abandoned most of my spiritual and religious beliefs by the end of my senior year in high school. I fought out of my abusive relationship and stood back up, and with my anger and spirit reawakened, I decided I'd move for myself and get away from anything and everything that was connected to that damn state and my high school experience.

I instead learned to make friends when I moved to Colorado through nature and hiking. I began living my life authentically, healing my wounds through laughter and joy. I found my place in the trees, in the forests, by the river, in security. I switched my major to ecology and wrote poetry about the healing hand of nature itself. Though I wasn't religious, I would still do tarot readings with a new deck with my black wolf spirit guide. I trusted his wisdom, I trusted him not to guide me into delusion, as I understood he had been waiting for me to return to my childhood joy.

Quite literally, I found how to be a kid again. I found it in the Colorado snow, in a group of friends, in my autism/ADHD diagnosis. I fell in love; I fell out of love. I moved to Yellowstone National Park to honor my love for the wolf, and then last year to Alaska to become a naturalist. I got contracted by a literary agency for my writing. I went to a therapist every week for three years, working through each and every piece of trauma in high school. I got medicated for my OCD and ADHD and saw a massive improvement in symptoms. I found the divine in nature, began truly smiling, and healing my heart. I started to work out, became confident in my identities, and let go of labeling myself. I found my passion and purpose in teaching about nature's wonder and power. I started saving up and working toward getting a service dog to help with dissociation for my PTSD, and was successful. Each and every night, I'd work on reflecting through poetry. To this day, I have ~40,000 words of poetry documenting and detailing my healing journey, finding love within nature, and happiness in my own independence and self.

I spent an absurd amount of time not touching the mystical with a 10-foot pole, besides my one spirit guide, a deck of tarot cards, and sensing energies in nature itself. I found how to ground myself, how to balance my logic and emotion, how to discern daydreaming escapes from intuition. I redefined my intuition and how it felt. I completely separated from anything and everything to do with high school. It was critical to step away from my craft for a couple of years to fully rebuild who I was.

"So, was that really a spirit guide, then? How could I ever trust any spirit guide again?"

I struggled with this question for a very long time. I swung between wondering if that spirit guide was even real, or if I had made him up, too. I had experiences that I couldn't describe, and a spirit guide I trusted, and I would get confused and stumped.

I first learned to become thankful of that spirit guide during my psychosis. If I hadn't gone through that psychosis, I wouldn't have been alive. It was the only true way for me, at the time, to survive the circumstances I was in. My spirit guide was absolutely real, and he absolutely lied to me, too. But he did it to keep me alive, to allow me a glimpse of what I wanted—stability, strength, love, and family—in an unconventional way. It would motivate me to find my dream life. That spirit guide did what he knew best, and saved me. He understood that I was predispositioned to spiritual psychosis, and when I began slipping into it, he had a choice—he could either abandon me and leave me with absolutely nothing, or let me believe in what was making me happy and keeping me alive. And I said my thanks to this guide years later, but respectfully stated that I would never allow that sort of trickery and lies in my craft again, not when I understood myself, my purpose, and what happiness is to me.

Even later, I would learn that specific spirit guide was sent by Loki, one of the deities that has been guiding me for most of my life. At first, I was angry. I didn't want to talk to Loki, I was uncomfortable with the fact that he would do such a thing, but then I remembered that it was simply the only way to save my life, at the time, when I was already falling into psychosis without the guide's encouragement.

I further learned that my black wolf spirit guide, who had been with me as a child and left during my spiritual psychosis, could not be my guide at that time. Loki wanted me to trust this spirit guide. If my black wolf guide had been my guide at the time of my psychosis, I never would have trusted any sort of spirituality again, nor the wolf spirit that had been sent by my ancestors to protect me. His (wolf) purpose was to protect me, keep me safe, and guard me from delusion (rather that be my own or someone else's). Loki was forced to assign the not-wolf guide to me to keep me alive. Classic Loki, too, sacrificing the painful and deadly truth for the convenient lie. I respect Loki's decision, because I understand now.

Finding the divine in my life before and after psychosis: where are we now?

One of the toughest moves I would make would be listening to the energies of the deities calling to me. Loki would visit my dreams. I had been told by 3 different readers that Loki wanted to work with me. I had to learn how to even trust deities, as I could barely trust my own intuition considering how badly I slipped into psychosis before.

I started to see the divine before, and after, my psychosis, in the form of energy. Not the form that would talk to me and say things I didn't like; not the form that would invade my space; but instead the gentle energy surrounding me in moments where I was grounded and smiling.

I found Loki in my love and passion for storytelling. I found his essence lingering in the Alaskan rainforests, in the chaos of being a deckhand on the Pacific. I found his energy trailing in the form of the sheer chaos I've always lived in, in my deep desire for change. I found it in the laugher from others when I told stories, in the wild with orcas following our boats. I found his energy in my child self, prior to my psychosis, telling stories to my classmates and being my bold self, sticking out like a sore thumb but embracing it.

I found Aphrodite in my poetry, hidden in my heartbreak and deeply interwoven concept of romance. I found her in my love for the ocean as a child. I found her in the smiles of the first girl-friends that I had in my life, in going to a spa with them. I found her in my own sandy blonde hair, in my carefully-crafted prose surrounding a romance in my book.

I found my two wolf spirit familiars (previously, black wolf was my guide) in my excited passion over the wolf. In playing and having fun in nature. In family, in the understanding that I was never alone, and never could force myself to be alone. In the rain, in the trees, in my footsteps on dirt trails, in the smell of the river on a warm day. I felt their energies happily protecting me throughout my life, not forcing a belief onto me or immediately agreeing with one of my opinions, but instead protecting me and acting as holders of the truth.

I realized that my deities are not just new forces, but forces that have existed around me for longer than I can even remember. They are parts of me. I am a part of the universe, and so are they. I began to trust, understanding the signs and symptoms of spiritual psychosis. I recognized that not only was I much older, but medicated, stable, and happy. My spirituality wasn't centered around someone else, it was centered around my perception of the natural world and how special it was. I got into herbalism, deity worship, and at last stepped into who I wanted to be as a child. Not a delusional person in psychosis, but as a spiritual individual respecting my divine team and living my purpose of spreading the joy that nature brings.

What's the lesson to take from this?

The signs and symptoms of spiritual psychosis, and the recognition that anyone can experience spiritual psychosis. Also, that it wasn't all fake, and that the divine does have impact in all aspects of life.

You are never alone! Even if it feels like it, it will get better. You will find the strength, and though in one moment your life may feel worthless, healing is entirely possible.

It is possible to trust the divine again. Give yourself time. Let yourself heal. Ground. Find your truth, build your beliefs on the perception of reality. Do not be afraid to restart and run off to distant lands to heal—it works!

If you made it this far, thank you for reading this one hell of a story. I hope that this will help to inspire someone or reach someone who needs to hear it.

[athanasius-symposium-of-writings]

About that smut line

What do you think about "we're going to fuck right here? what if someone sees us?" and "you're such a fucking tease, you know that?" for Luca? Like he so busy with his invention so we decided to tease him "a bit".

Luca is a monsterfucker send tweet. This is my first time writing him f if not tht good ;w;

Rated Mature | Warnings: monster reader

Send a line

Now all the survivors have the same styled rooms, same furniture, and various clothes for all of them to wear-- Aside from the special clothing Lady Nightingale would have them wear for anyone can guess her amusement. However, the room you are contained in is massive, full of wires, computers, and other marvelous things Luca has never seen before.

You float around your tank, a giant ball with often purple mist within to keep you in a state of calm. You supposedly are a new survivor, a creature to level the playing field when it comes to dealing with those of the divine like Dream Witch or Feaster, or as you told Luca: you want to annoy them for a bit.

He can never single out your face while you are in the glass ball, you have no physical form constructed and seem unable to make up your mind on an appearance.

“Luca, imagine me.” You told him as he worked, and studied the tech used to keep you contained and translate your words. “What do you see when you hear my voice?” He shivers when he feels your presence touching his mind, it is strange for when he feels you within he feels stable. “You need to focus, dear one.”

The longer he spends time with you, the more he finds you show, or attempt to show attraction. After months of studying his fragile fragmented mind, there are others you have poked your way it but Priestess told you that is invasive.

“Let me out.” You are gentle, nervous, “I shall dawn the skin you see me as.” The ball is opened once the gas has been filtered out, and you hiss in discomfort then relax as you link your mind to Luca to keep yourself in this reality. You have tried to explain this to both Priestess and Luca but it is a bit too complex for mortal minds to comprehend. “Wait!” He places a set of clothes he had found in his room one day. They are not in his size but they match the way he imagined your human form. “Put these on.”

“Is not nudity ideal for your kind?” Shifting your body from the mass of darkness and light.

“Well, nudity is called for when it is for bathing or well…”

“Coupling. Though you have worn clothes during this.”

“(Name), I said don’t peek into those!”

“My apologies, Luca.” The mist of your form fills the clothes lifting them before your human body is made in an instant. You blink, turning your head to look around, “Fascinating.” Examining yourself in the reflection of the containment ball. “You humans have very creative minds.”

Not many are used to seeing you outside of a match, and no one is used to being a human. It unsettles most who are not open-minded. You use it often once permitted by the Lady of the Manor. You find humans naturally make connections when in extreme circumstances or cut themselves off in order to protect themselves. Most are friendly but some are not ideal for bonding with.

You also learned sex can advance a connection when both are in agreement.

“We're going to fuck right here!?” Your room is not ideal, it is open for any to enter, “What if someone sees us?” He is being polite to you yet you have seen this man indulge in vices of the flesh in many of places.

“Then they may watch,” Deadpan as you sit on his lap, “Or join in if they need release as well.”

“Fuck.” That is hot in a lot of ways, “You're such a tease, you know that?” There is no way you do not understand what you are doing.

“I am aware.”

[pradababy333]

𝐈𝐭’𝐬 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟-𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐩𝐭!

No more sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. It’s time to change.

⋘ 𝑙𝑜𝑎𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑑𝑎𝑡𝑎... ⋙

So you’ve been trying and trying and you just can’t figure out how to change your self-concept FOR GOOD? Here’s the post for you. I’m going to be writing a guide to let go of the old story and completely changing your life in the process.

𝐝𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐢𝐬 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡

So, you've found yourself in another spiral.

You've noticed that your circumstances are taking up too much space in your mind and you are consistently giving your power away to external sources.

Use the feelings and emotions that come with these painful experiences to propel yourself in this new direction.

The place you're in, the emotions you consistently feel and the experiences you deal with every day all stem from you and your internal state. It is extremely useful to cultivate a strong internal state (a good self-concept) in order to make your life and manifestation infinitely easier.

At one point, you need to realize that you have control over what state you are embodying. You have the ability to use your own intention and conviction to shift your state to something much more useful and desirable.

𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐛𝐢𝐛𝐢, 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐝𝐨 𝐈 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐦𝐲 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐞?

I'm so glad you asked!

Changing your state is all about intention. I learned about this from @sexyandhedonistic's own 24 hours self-concept post (she also talks about states more on her blog if you're curious). Once you decide on the state you desire to embody, that simple decision will allow you to enter that state.

You can understand what states are a bit more through this example:

If I am feeling sad, sorry for myself, and insecure, I am embodying an insecure state. I make decisions, I act in certain ways, and I carry myself based on this internal state. Now, if I decide to embody a state of confidence, power, and happiness, then I am embodying that state. I can now make decisions and see my life through that lens, which improves everything about my life.

This is what it means to think from your desire. You embody the state of the wish fulfilled, whatever that may be for you, and you think, react, and live from that state.

The thing that really opened my eyes and allowed me to decide to change FOR GOOD was this idea of how easy it is to change your state. I see it as a redirection on a moment-to-moment basis that will eventually become your natural state. Feeling safe and confident in the present moment is much easier than thinking about becoming perfect without any room for bumps in the road. You are allowed to have an imperfect journey.

Wavering is fine, and having a slip-up is fine, but remember to always be committed to returning to your new story no matter what.

𝐨𝐛𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐮𝐝𝐞𝐬

Mental diet time! Going back to the basics is always the best way to start over. Mental diet is one of the first things you should be learning about the law of assumption.

Basically, this means that you observe your thoughts, reactions, and opinions on things in your life. Notice what you often daydream about. What is your internal dialogue like? Is it positive or is it negative? Be as honest with yourself as possible - the more honest you are, the faster you will be able to change your beliefs for the better.

You don't have to worry about every thought you have. The purpose of the mental diet is to take notice of why the 3D has so many undesirable circumstances manifesting right now. You will see exactly why people in your life act the way they do, why you're not getting results, and why you keep repeating the same cycles. There is no need to fear your thoughts because we're going to change them!

𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐚

Stop the information overload in its tracks. Get clear on the basics and run with that. The rest will come.

Here are the most important points you need:

The law of assumption = what you assume to be true (your dominant thoughts and beliefs), will manifest in your physical reality Manifestation is shifting your conscious awareness to a reality that matches your dominant thoughts and beliefs. You are the operant power, you are the god of your reality, and you can manifest anything you want. To manifest anything: Assume what you want is yours, feel the wish fulfilled, and persist in that belief (persist = don't give up) The only way you can fail is if you give up. There is no failure in the law of assumption. The 4D (your imagination) is the basis of your 3D reality. The 3D (the physical) is only a reflection of the 4D. Therefore, if you change within, you will change without.

𝐟𝐨𝐜𝐮𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 & 𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐚 𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠

You can do this in any way you want: make a list, create affirmations, make a vision board, make a subliminal, script it, whatever! As long as you get clear to the very last detail you can muster of how you want your life to be. It’s important to be clear about it so you know what to focus on.

This will be your new story. You're leaving behind the thoughts and beliefs you've had in the past that have not served you.

𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐢𝐬𝐭

Changing your state is the easy part, sticking to your new story requires repeated redirecting back to your desired state. No matter what is going on in your 3D, no matter how you feel, refocus.

Continue to choose your desired state until it becomes your natural state.

Keep refocusing. I don't care if it’s hard. I don't care if your 3D is literally falling apart before your eyes. This is your life. Don't you want to experience the life of your dreams? Persist. Even if it seems like it's "not working" never stop persisting.

𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟-𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐩𝐭 𝐚𝐟𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

I am the god of my reality

I always manifest instantly

I have the perfect self-concept

I have the best assumptions

I am living my best life

I love my life

Life is kind to me

Everything always works out for me

Everything always goes my way

I never have to worry about a thing

Life is so easy for me

My life is so blessed

I am stronger than the 3D circumstances

𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬

You are strong The 3D has no power over you This is your reality Changing your internal reality (your self-concept) will change your external reality

If you’re new to the loa, please read my intro to the loa!

[m-jelly]

You can turn this down if its to uncomfortable for you or not. Violinist teacher levi x violin student reader. Where shes a starts the violin at a late age because no one supported her when she.was young so she decided to start now so she met levi. First she tries to ignore levis good looks (really who could?) And levi tries not to make any advances but hange, erwin, mike, etc. Helps them get together. I hope it's not too awkward for you because technically they are legal adults. Please consider

New strings

Levi x fem!reader

Modern AU, fluff, romance, teacher and student, both adults, falling in love.

You'd always wanted to play the violin, but never got to as a kid or teen. Now with spare time as an adult and with your job as an at-home writer, you get lessons. Your instructor is a dream man, but you resist so you can learn. Levi is also attracted to you but also resists as you're his student. However, you can't stop your feelings and with the help of Levi's friends, you both face your feelings head on.

@ladycheesington @levisbrat25 @nyxiieluna @li-anne @galactict3a @youre-ackermine @thebobaprincess @2moth-anon2 @cypidity @nbinairyn @bts-spnlvr12 @notgoodforlife @demonic-bird

Levi was enamoured with you as your fingers moved and the bow flowed perfectly. The elegance that you had in your movements just captivated him. He'd taught many people, but no one could compare to you. Most people started young, but you were only a few years younger than Levi and you seemed to just take to the violin.

The passion and love for your craft was very clear. You made the violin weep one moment and sing the next. It was like you embodied the music because you were full of so many emotions. Recently you played a lot of romantic love songs as if you were so full of deep love for someone.

The two of you had been dancing around each other emotionally. It was clear you were both attracted to each other and the more time you spent with each other, the more you fell in love with who the other was. Both of you were holding back though. No one was willing to take the plunge.

Levi's friends were beginning to get irritated by you both. So, they had a plan in place and tonight was the night that it was going to happen. Levi rented a space to teach people, a place his other friends taught things as well, a place where they had keys to and could easily lock up.

You lowered your violin and smiled. "Well?"

Levi clapped for you. "Wonderful. It was so beautiful. You are such a pleasure to teach."

Your cheeks heated up at his compliment. "You're too kind."

He moved closer to you. "You're very good with your hands."

You reached over and took Levi's hand. "You're better." The two of you locked eyes with each other. The tension in the air was electric. Your lips tingled as you both thought about kissing each other. You quickly pulled back and put your violin away. "I should head home. I don't want to keep you any longer."

"I wouldn't mind if you kept me here longer."

You gazed at Levi. "You're sweet." You cleared your throat, collected your violin case and walked to the door. "Thank you again. I love our lessons."

"Me too." He pointed to the door. "I will walk you out."

The two of you walked down the hall together. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." He grabbed the door handle and pulled it, but it didn't open. "Tch, shit." He patted himself. "Where are my keys? Shit."

You hummed a laugh. "Guess we're staying here for a bit."

He released a long sigh. "I'm so sorry about this."

"It's okay. I don't mind spending more time with you."

Levi's cheeks burned as his heart fluttered. "I'm glad."

You slowly walked back to Levi's office. "Shall I make us a cup of tea?"

"Please. I'll call my friends and see if they could help."

"Sure."

Levi smiled at you before leaving you to make the tea. He called up Erwin first. "Erwin, hey. So, I am locked in."

Erwin hummed. "I know."

"What?"

"Well, Mike, Hange and I know you really love her and she loves you. So, we locked you in so you two can work things out."

Levi gripped his phone. "But she's a student."

Erwin released a long sigh. "She's what? A few years younger than you? You're both adults, both close in age, both like the same things and you two are madly in love. You should make a move."

"But."

"In my office are two beds. In Mike's room are blankets and pillows. Hange has snacks and a few games to play. Now, get to dating and I'll let you out tomorrow."

Levi went to protest but Erwin ended the call. He sighed and made his way back into his office. He called your name. "We won't be let out tonight."

You smiled. "That's okay."

"There are some beds here, blankets, pillows and snacks. A friend will get us in the morning."

You giggled. "A sleepover sounds fun!"

"It does."

The two of you worked together to set up a little sleeping area in Levi's office. You cooked some dinner in the communal kitchen as Levi cleaned the place up and set a nice sitting spot. You sat together talking for a while as the sun started to set. You snuggled close to each other as the cold air drifted in.

You wrapped a blanket around you and Levi. You snuggled up to him as you both blushed. "Better to keep warm this way."

Levi hummed and tapped on his phone. "I'll turn up the heating, but we'll snuggle together too."

"Perfect." You fiddled with the blanket. "So, did your friends do this on purpose?"

"Yes." He sighed. "They know I have feelings for you and I haven't made a move because I'm worried about how you feel and I'm your teacher. I know we're close in age, but I just worry."

You gazed at Levi. "You have feelings for me?"

"I do."

You lightly gripped his shirt, leaned over and kissed him. "I do too."

Levi cupped the side of your face and crashed his lips against yours. He bit your lip and slipped his tongue into your mouth. He sighed through his nose and shifted his body to face you. He gripped your hip with his other hand and dragged you closer.

He pulled back and panted. "Mm, sorry I got too excited."

"Don't stop."

He smiled at you. "You sure?"

You nodded and kissed him. "Very. I want to be with you. No more holding back."

"No more holding back." He chuckled as his heart filled with love.

[coyoteprince]

I am really, really going Through It right now, but... in the best way possible? Like, really good things? It's just a lot to juggle at once so I'm absolutely wore out from a massive growth spurt

I deserve to be joyous about this so:

-New house! All our own! We're even moving during October (date was pushed back due to philly market), very spiritually important time for me

-Getting married next Fall once things calm down, finally, after being engaged for a few years

-Came to terms with Widderwood being an important purpose in my life, an art that feeds my soul- even if the result remains small, all this work isn't a waste, because the process enriches my life and brings me joy. The many years of dedication I've had for it is a sign that it's the right choice for me to continue following, and am super looking forward to the years of doing the actual page layouts. I've been setting realistic expectations to maintain my happiness with production, am working it into my new schedule, and I get to ink the pages at my antique writing desk in the sunroom as I look out at our back garden once we move... waow

-Learning a ton of important things about myself- my fears, roots of problems and behaviors thanks to trauma and ego that I didn't notice. I'm being kinder to myself, less judgemental of others, and letting go of other's projections rather than continuing to internalize them. I know what I am, how to be empathetic and accept my missteps, but also what isn't worth my time and energy.

-Learning how to adjust my desire for perfection in myself to much more healthy & reasonable level, and being more willing to delegate

-Rebuilding my business internally from the ground up for success, seeking continuous education for business & science, and after years of struggling and testing, FINALLY figuring out a work-life method that works for my messed up desires-varience autism brain. Balance!

-Similarly, figuring out how to balance cooking for two autistic people who have greatly different cravings & stims

-Realizing what a hard working, loyal, and loving person I am with an unrivaled, firey dedication to change and self improvement. Capricorn to an eerie degree.

Overall I feel like I'm in the transitional period between continuing to be poisoned by the aftermath of prolonged abuse and illness, and finding peace while blossoming far beyond what happened to me. Something I've strived for, but wasn't sure I'd ever have. In a way, it's obtaining independence and finding out who I really am as a person, unclouded by other's words and fearful what-ifs.

20 something years of being locked away. About 8 more years of new experiences, perspectives, professional help, love, and grueling work to dismantle things in myself. I guess this is what real healing and responsibility looks like- at least in my case. I'll never stop growing, but I am at a pivotal point of change.

What I've experience is important to me because it set the projectile for my life. I want to be somewhat open because I want others to be aware of what autistic children often experience and how it affects them long term... but I also know I have more to me and don't have to be haunted anymore. Turning an unpleasant experience into a tool I can control is a lovely reward and I can now whole heartedly say: I love being alive.