#and the government keeps telling them to be neurotypical

[dandylion-s]

I just started watching the x files and like you're introduced to Mulder as this "spooky" weird, off putting dude and Scully is a rational scientist medical doctor then 5 episodes in you find out he's just autistic but she's catholically deranged

[beardedmrbean]

Wait I thought that First Nations is a proper term we use now to describe Native Americans?

Ugh

Also yeah the learning thing

It’s not like our education system is outdated as hell

Or being run by out of touch politicians

Perhaps you can find the link, but I heard that the public education system was changed in the 90’s for specifically to cater to neurotypical girls

Teachers unions are corrupted up the ass

But as I mentioned before that thanks to DNA ancestry test, we know black Americans of slave descent are 64% Yoruba

Yet despite one of the biggest gaming franchise Assassin’s Creed is based off pseudo surrounding it

And I’m not lying

The British Museum and the Smithsonian used assassin creed games for a Alexander the Great event and to visual the American Revolution in a sector

Imagine telling yourself 20 years ago that games would reach such levels?

Also when was dna ancestry known to the public

But anyways, one thing that perhaps other black Americans can help me with. Is that we when it comes to history, all we know about the old world is that we were enslaved

Keep in mind that I only learn about the Yoruba because of Hollywood fuck up

So imagine how HARD it’s going to explain community…who literary rates ain’t exactly the best

Okay there a saying I heard (paraphrasing) “If they ain’t going to teach you right. You think they’re going to treat you right?!”

Also perhaps in the evening as I notice something with a lot of stuff surrounding government in the 80’s-90’s media

I was trying to say the whole “Why we weren’t taught this in school” started with SJWs millennials in the early 2010’s

I’m just wondering how bad sjws critical thinking skills are when they never connected the dots that people who run the education system have their hands in the military industrial complex as well

Killary anyone?

It works, there's a screenshot floats round from a kids textbook that people try to pass of as HS talking about, well.

Every time it pops up we get dozens of people whining about the US education system until it's pointed out that, one it says "First Nations" which is the official way Canada says it (US is Native American) and two it says Quebec City in the bottom right center.

Outside of official things I don't think it matters which you use provided everyone knows what you're talking about.

Snopes actually covered this one, didn't need to but it was a opportunity to bash Europeans so they took it.

Perhaps you can find the link, but I heard that the public education system was changed in the 90’s for specifically to cater to neurotypical girls

I don't have a link on that one, nothing is turning up either but it is something that I've seen stated, also seen loads of studies showing that single sex classes turn out more capable students. Fairly well established that guys and girls learn differently so that makes sense.

The British Museum and the Smithsonian used assassin creed games for a Alexander the Great event and to visual the American Revolution in a sector. Imagine telling yourself 20 years ago that games would reach such levels?

That's rad, 20 years ago I'd have believed it, 30 jamin on my SNES not so much.

Also when was dna ancestry known to the public

Not sure, let's learn together

"Affordable" is the keyword there, general public wasn't doing them

But anyways, one thing that perhaps other black Americans can help me with. Is that we when it comes to history, all we know about the old world is that we were enslaved Keep in mind that I only learn about the Yoruba because of Hollywood fuck up So imagine how HARD it’s going to explain community…who literary rates ain’t exactly the best

Oakland’s rebellion against phonics set children back; let’s not repeat it

TL:DR; there was a structured phonics based curriculum that was increasing literacy rates rapidly in Oakland schools the teachers well.

Despite the obvious success of that curriculum, Weaver says teachers hated it. “This seems dehumanizing, this is colonizing, this is the man telling us what to do,” Weaver said. “So we fought tooth and nail as a teacher group to throw that out.” They succeeded, and Oakland children paid the price. Reading proficiency in the Oakland Unified School District abruptly decreased from 2014 to 2015, when the curriculum change was introduced. It hasn’t rebounded to pre-2015 levels. The district has a reading proficiency score of just 34%, well below the already stupidly low California state average of 51%.

🎉🎉🎉🎉Score a big win for decolonizing education🎉🎉🎉🎉

Also perhaps in the evening as I notice something with a lot of stuff surrounding government in the 80’s-90’s media I was trying to say the whole “Why we weren’t taught this in school” started with SJWs millennials in the early 2010’s

I said that several time actually, reading a random thing about WWI and came across the Ottoman Empire and couldn't remember learning a damn thing about them, WWI was Germany and Austria Hungary vs everyone else and for some reason this extended into Africa and the middle east but we're not going to worry too much about that.

As gaps go, that one was a doozy, you thought skipping over some random activist that did something that kicked off some movement was bad wait till you hear about the Empire that existed in the middle east, Africa, and Europe that was nearly completely left out of my history lessons.

Leaving Uzbekistan out I get, but not a 700 year old empire that our founding fathers had positive diplomatic relationships with.

Positive part was it gave me a whole bunch of stuff to learn, all on my own, without some bureaucrat deciding what was and wasn't important.

I’m just wondering how bad sjws critical thinking skills are when they never connected the dots that people who run the education system have their hands in the military industrial complex as well. Killary anyone?

Wait till you find out who helped make it so student loans couldn't be discharged through bankruptcy (biden)

The federal department of education was the beginning of the end for the US educational system and federal student loans greased the slide we're riding down.

People get mad when i say they need to be phased out, but honestly it's one of the best ways to make college affordable again imho. Just be bumpy for a decade or so till schools realize they need to stick with classes that will allow people to make a living.

Other option is make schools secure the student loans not the fed, they want their investment back they need to make a good investment.

[1863-project]

I just beat the dlc for Monster hunter Rise. I definitely am feeling, mixed about the scientist character.

I could probably send you a giant paragraph--and I was till i realized it was a 12 paragraph essay that I was about to drop in your inbox. But basically at its core, its a Scientist who often gets distracted. He sometimes doesn't follow though with expected societal normals. (You go to shake his hand, he does not shake your hand, and the protagonist just looks so upset at that! To be fair, he's distracted at that moment by field research, and had seen something that he felt was incredibly important. )

The character is a non-human character, kinda. (He's a Wyverian, which is basically their Elf-people. They have four fingers, elf ears, and long lifespan. Wyverians frequently show up as Researchers/leaders of the government structures, so the fact that he's a wyverian scientist isn't exactly suspicious, but the fact that he seams to be coded with something while also being a different species then the human ones feels a little dubious.

The other characters also frequently express annoyance at him. Like extreme annoyance. Like, the leader fellow outright says 'His genus has more then earned him a place on this team, even if he is annoying'. Which is kinda terrible to say when he's standing right there next to him!

Often because he will frequently ask them if they ate/rested, which he admits is something he finds to be a problem. (He gets so distracted by his science work that he forgets to eat/drink, until it hits him all at once. Because he often does this, he wants to warn the others/don't have them suffer the same mistakes he does. He also asks you to do the same of him-he deserves to rest too! )

Basically, I definitely feel mixed things to this character. While I ultimately like them, I also worry about the portrayal a bit. Figured I'd tell you about them since you discussed doing some sort of essay about harmful autistic portrayals in the media. While i'm not sure he's particularly harmful, that uncertainty probably is a good thing to be told about, and there could be things you're noticing that I did not. . There are definitely parts I "dislike", but the parts I disliked where more "These characters really are being mean to him when he's just trying to be nice/helpful/caring. This feels far to realistic. ".

The fact that he's a Wyverian is also sorta, iffy to me. Where in universe there are plenty of justifications/reasons why this would be the case, so it leaves me wondering 'Is this okay because there were reasons, or is it still sorta iffy' . (Wyverians are often scientists, and this is a scientist character. Also him being old enough to know certain information was used as a plot point)

Since the dlc is incredibly new, and its unlikely you'd find a lot of information on the character specifically, figured i'd tell ya about him. I probably didn't do the best job. (The games aren't' known for their stories so longplays/other gameplay probably won't talk to every character repeatedly at every opportunity, and thus his dialogue about wanting to keep others from making his repeated mistakes is very easily missed.)

This is a great example of what we call "autistic coding." This character isn't stated to be autistic outright, but he acts visibly autistic, right down to hyperfocusing and forgetting to eat (something I know I've done many, many times in my life).

There's a fine line with autistic-coded characters being non-human species. It's one thing if most of the members of the species act neurotypical, and this one in particular seems autistic, because that's more representative of what it's like to be neurodivergent - you're in the minority. But if an entire species acts this way, it can be verrrry iffy, because if the entire species is autistic-coded, it feels more like "these aliens/elves/non-humans represent how autistic people are not human," which is obviously a terrible message to send, unless you're specifically doing it to show that autistic people aren't seen as human and that changes during the story due to advocacy.

Unfortunately, it seems pretty realistic in the sense of people just saying he's annoying right in front of him, because I know I've experienced that, and so have most other autistic people at least once. They act like we either can't hear them or straight-up do it to be mean, and it hurts. I grew up thinking I had to be excessively useful to get people to keep me around, because otherwise I'd be "too annoying" and cast off, and that ultimately ended horribly for me because I fell into an emotionally abusive friendship in undergrad out of a desperate desire to not be alone and to continue to be helpful/a good friend.

I guess a good way to look at it is like this:

Is he shown as different not just from the humans, but the other Wyverians?

Do his own people refer to him as "odd" or "annoying," or is it only humans?

Is it normal for his people to not shake hands as a greeting? Do they have their own greeting that he also is too distracted to do?

If he's an oddball amongst his own people, it's very different from his entire species being coded as autistic. It can often come down to how other people like him see him - if other members of his species also sees him as "weird" or "annoying," then he's probably being coded pretty well. If he's representative of his species as a whole (i.e. he's the only one you ever see, or they all act like him), then it can veer towards a more dangerous area.

Thank you for letting me know about this - I'll definitely look into this one and see how the fandom portrays him if I can!

[atgrow]

One of the many great pieces of advice my friend gave me:

It's not your fault if you're not thriving in a traumatic environment. You're not weak. It's okay. Even if there is a way out but you aren't able to take it. There's so many reasons why someone traumatised will stay with their abusers, one of which for me, was that my mental health could not improve enough in that environment for me to hold down a job to save to get out. That's okay. It's okay to ask for help to get away from abuse or traumatic environments.

You cannot expect someone with a broken leg to walk on it. Yes, some people do with great pain, but we all have different pain tolerances. Some people will faint if they walk on that leg. Does that make them weak? No! They just may need something else, like a crutch or other mobility aid, to walk until the leg begins to heal. Just because someone else can "power through" and get out of a traumatic situation by sheer force of will does NOT make it the case for everyone. Mental illnesses are severe and often dehabilitating. If you add recurrent or extended trauma ON TOP? How can anyone, and I mean anyone, figure out their identity, hold down a job, study, follow their passions, find meaningful relationships, or all of the above in that kind of environment? You're in survival mode ALL THE TIME! The only thing your body and mind can focus on is "how can we keep us safe and alive?". Where's the room for growth?! There is barely any!

Right now, I'm in a traumatic situation. I live with my abusers still. It's hard to get out of bed. I feel unmotivated and dehabilitated. I spend hours on my phone or walking outside trying to escape reality. Things are, if you parden my French, utterly shit.

I'm here to let you know that the expectations placed on people to function to a certain standard is fucking ableist and if you're in a traumatic environment, the expectations cannot be the fucking same. Appropriate people need to lend a fucking hand whether that's the government, social workers, healthcare workers etc to help that person get out. We often can't do it on our own and the only way out for some of us is suicide or homelessness.

I have had people tell me to power through. It's not the motivation speech they think it is. I literally cannot function. I highly doubt anyone could function to neurotypical standards in this environment. I cannot place myself in someone else's traumatic environment either and how I would possibly fair in theirs. Everyone's experience is different. Respect others and respect your own limits.

There is hope, I promise, even if you cannot always see it. Reach out to whoever you can.

[spectrumed]

4. body

Do I have body issues? Well... yeah. Who doesn’t? I absolutely do not like being fat, that’s something I’d change about me. And I probably should bulk up a little, go to the gym. My diet isn’t terrible, I don’t eat any fast food, but I could still always eat healthier. More greens, less beans. But most of all, my biggest body issue is that I don’t really associate myself with my body. My mind feels disconnected from my body. The day scientists invent a way for us all to live as brains in jars on wheels, I’m there standing in line for a chance to become all cerebral. Being physical, it’s just so messy, so awkward, so uncomfortable. You feel pain, you feel embarrassment, you feel horny. Nothing good comes from having a body. If you were just a brain, you could go on thinking and calculating and just generally having a good mental time. Or you’d start feeling suffocated and trapped trying to move your limbs and realising that they have been all chopped off. Hmm… Maybe it’s more complicated than I initially thought.

I don’t understand people who enjoy physical activities. Let it be clear before we delve into this long rant of mine complaining about all things gymnastic, this is not particularly an autistic trait. In fact, there are plenty of autistic people who may excel as athletes, their drive and obsessive personality traits becoming quite useful in developing that discipline that is required to fully commit to becoming an all-star jock. Not all autistic people are reprehensible nerds. Some autistic people are actually quite sexy. Some even have abs. But that’s not me. That’s not my clan of autistic people. I like drawing maps. I like thinking about things. I like making cocktails. The only part of my physical body that I like to put strain on is my liver. Don’t make me go on a run. There isn’t an armchair in this world that I wouldn’t want to sit down in, even the ones that used to be owned by old chain-smokers that have that awful aroma that sneaks into your nostrils and makes you worry about second-hand lung cancer. Sitting is great. I like sitting. Also lying down. Lying down is good.

Am I lazy? No, I don’t think so. Maybe a little, but here’s the thing. I can’t control the things I obsess over. There’s a great deal of overlap between autism spectrum disorder and attention deficit disorder. If you’re reading this and you’re a fellow friend on the spectrum, you may have gotten diagnosed with both. One of those rare times in my life I have attended group therapy, more than half the group were diagnosed with both. I, however, am not. But seeing as the two conditions are so intertwined, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that a facet of autism involves difficulties in trying to focus on something, or even trying not to focus on something too hard. If you were to judge my tenacity, my ability to keep going, based solely on how I perform during physical tasks, you’d think I was the least resolute person on the planet. But then you’ll find me, some time later, staying up until four in the morning drawing another map. A map that’s really just a different take on another map that I drew earlier, that itself was a reworked version of a previous map that I drew but didn’t like, that actually began as a second iteration of one map I drew that was actually wholly different, that was based on a map of Europe but if Denmark never existed. How many maps have you drawn Fred? Why don’t you go mind your own business, you nosy ferret.

The DSM-5 (the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. You can think of it as something akin to a bible of psychology, which is definitely an inflammatory way to refer to it, but I’m gonna go with it! Because I’m a wildcard, and that’s just how I roll,) includes this section as part of its diagnostic criteria for autism spectrum disorder.

Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus (e.g., strong attachment to or preoccupation with unusual objects, excessively circumscribed or perseverative interests).

Now, I personally don’t relate to that at all. There’s nothing abnormal in my intense love for maps. The fact that maps aren’t as widely cherished as they ought to be is a fault of others, and I refuse to acknowledge that this may be a part of my character that could be perceived as quirky, or out of the ordinary. But, still, for the sake of argument, let’s presume that I can get, at times, excessively circumscribed. I’d like to say that I’ve only ever engaged in excessive circumscribing in my privacy away from onlookers, but I am afraid that I may have allowed some of my excessive circumscribing to happen in public. I definitely do apologise for that. I will try to do better in the future. But you never know when you’re about to experience some excessive circumscribing. The best you can do is keep it limited.

I don’t know how neurotypicals work. So, you don’t feel these kinds of obsessions? These moments of intense focus? These fixations? Then, you lack passion? Are you heartless? Soulless? Or are you just weak? Are you too feeble to hold steadfast working on a project all night long? To lose touch with your sense of hunger, your need for sleep, and all contact with any other human person? My fixations may come across as strange, but to me, your lack of fixations come across as bizarre. The world is endlessly fascinating. Have you never felt that compulsion to just fully immerse yourself in a topic that allows you to forget about your physical body for just that moment in time? The body cannot hold me. I wish to absorb as much information as I can. If I could astral project, by gods, I would astral project. To decouple your consciousness from your mushy brain for just that little bit, to go soaring across the landscapes, to explore the cosmos, just free of all things corporeal, that would be swell. How terrible isn’t it, when you’re deep in research, learning all about the mystical religious practices of the long-dead hierophants of the ancient world, to be drawn back into the present by the sudden need to urinate? There is something so dreadfully mundane about possessing a human body. If only we could all be celestial beings allowed to just be without the biological needs associated with having flesh and blood and bone and bladders.

I am not religious, nor am I spiritual. I do not believe that there is an immaterial world that lies above the material. I do not believe there is an astral plane. I think that one of the terrifying things about living is knowing that we do not possess such a thing as an eternal soul, that all things are temporal, and that ultimately, we have to come to terms with that. It’s not so terrible. In some ways, the temporal nature of life can be its biggest blessing. All things must pass. Sure, that does include the good times, like that vacation you spent as a child wishing that it would never end. But it also includes the bad times. The heartbreak you feel from a failed relationship. The grief you feel after the passing of a parent. The depression some of us are burdened with. Some days are worse than others. But they too will pass. One of the remarkable things about the human body is its ability to bounce back from injury. To change and evolve in ways we sometimes find unthinkable. The brain, likewise, is transformational, capable of incredible developments. We’re not fixed in stone. We’re not eternal. Which is a good thing. It is what allows recuperation and progress. I should be thankful to my body for being there, even when I’m not. After all, isn’t your body your temple?

I am able-bodied. Am I disabled? There’s naturally a lot of questions that surround how we ought to understand mental illness or neurodiversity in regards to disability. Does autism spectrum disorder count as a disability? Well, yes, it can be considered a learning disability. It is certainly something of a handicap, you are experiencing struggles that most people don’t experience. But to your average layperson, your typical dullard who spends their time watching reality TV, drinking beer, and being happy, what counts as a disability to them? Would they see me and think I was disabled? I’m not in a wheelchair. I don’t walk with a cane. Though I will occasionally “stim,” make small repetitive moments with my hands or legs, I do not exhibit any kind of physical symptoms. If I told them that I was disabled, they’d scoff and tell me that I’m just making it up for attention. They’d say I’m probably just trying to mooch off the government, scoring welfare checks while doing nothing to contribute to society. I’ve got all my limbs. I am not sickly. I am actually quite strong, due to being a big and tall man, I am able to carry quite the load. So, I have no reason to not be a fully productive member of society, right? And yet, here I am, feeling at most times utterly perplexed by anything physical. Probably because I am just lazy, right?

I don’t think laziness is a thing. What is laziness supposed to actually be? Tiredness? If a person is perpetually tired, then they’ve likely got a sleep disorder. To call them lazy would be callous. There are plenty of overworked people that get called lazy, especially by tyrannical overseers who think of their charges as mere workhorses whose only purpose in life is to toil away in the factory until the day they die. Intolerable parents who see their terminally sullen child and instead of wondering what is making them so upset decide to deride them for their lack of ambition. Are you lazy when you are procrastinating? No you are just being a tad irresponsible, maybe, deciding to skip out on chores in order to play video games or masturbate. But you’re not just doing nothing. People generally don’t enjoy doing nothing. We need something to occupy ourselves, to fill that vacuum we all feel whenever we’re just sitting still. I am someone who appears to be comfortable just sitting still, but that’s because I’ve learned, since a very young age, to entertain myself with my own thoughts. To fantasise, to daydream, to do anything I can to escape from the void that is doing absolutely nothing. Boredom, that’s terrible. Boredom is existential dread. Of all the motivations that drive humans, love, spite, jealousy, or pride, I think the need to evade boredom is one of the most prevalent. Humans would rather experience electric shocks than sit alone in a room being bored.

I am not lazy, I am merely… excessively circumscribed. For as much as this may be a specific diagnostic criteria for autism spectrum disorder, I think it is also a common trait amongst all humans. There will always be within us a pull to do something other than the thing that we’re really supposed to be doing, that does not make us lazy, that just makes us terrified of boredom. Sure, you know that you’re supposed to mow the lawn, but that's just so dreadfully tedious, you just would rather be working on perfecting your new stand-up comedy routine. Thinking up jokes to tell on stage is so much more stimulating than cutting grass. And who cares if your lawn grows a little wild? Lawns are a scam, imposed by fascists to make us think grass in its natural state is ugly. All grass is beautiful, whether it is cut short or it is allowed to grow long. Do the thing that fulfils you. Allow yourself to become immersed in passion, to forget about those things that hold you back, the little silly things we’ve convinced ourselves is important. Stay up late, if you wish. You’re gonna kill it on open mic night, bud!

Yes, it is a problem when your obsessions grow so singular that you forget to feed yourself. When you forget personal hygiene, when you become trapped in your own apartment looking like some feral rodent caught in a cage. Like always, the key is moderation, and I know that from time to time, you may have to entertain a boring task or two. Clean your room, brush your teeth, trim your pubic hair, try to give an impression that you are taking care of yourself. If for anyone, do it for your mother. She will be happy seeing you looking like a civilised individual, wearing clean clothes and not looking malnourished. But don’t ever chastise yourself for being lazy. Laziness is a sin that we’re all guilty of, and if we’re all guilty of it, is it really a sin? Or is it just part of what it means to be a human? To be a messy creature made out of flesh and blood and bone and the occasional bladder. In the end, I’m more happy than displeased at having a body. It’d be much harder to type on a keyboard if I didn’t have fingers.

Still, I wish I wasn’t fat.

[physioblr]

How to get a 4.0 with ADHD-C and Dyscalculia

(Or, how to survive Uni as a disabled student)

Disclaimer: 

This is what has worked for me. I don’t claim that this will work for everyone. Not every ADHD brain is the same. Also other axis of privilege, time of diagnosis, and support are different between people. I have severe ADHD-C and was diagnosed as a young adult and had little support to help me deal with my symptoms until I met my partner. Psychiatrists aren’t trained to help you deal with the range of issues you will face. 

Do keep in mind as well that some professors are just ablest assholes. The idea that someone is kind, empathetic, or will always follow federal law just because they are in a profession that gives them a power differential is ridiculous. You may also run into professors that also take pride in their exam distributions looking like a statistician’s nightmare. Keep an eye out for the obvious dog whistles, and do research before registration when possible. If you end up in these situations, drop the class during the add/drop period if you can. If not, be prepared for your GPA to take a hit. 

I’m writing this from an American perspective, if you are in the UK/Europe I lived in Scotland for 5 years and would be happy to help if you have questions regarding the Equality Act 2010 and the UN convention of disability rights.

A. Lifestyle:

1. Sleep hygiene. Sleep = study retention.

I had trouble sleeping for most of my life. I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep or stay asleep at the appropriate times. A lot of people deal with this by being “night owls” — i.e. just accepting that our clocks are set later than neurotypicals’. Other people deal with this by sleeping on a biphasic or polyphasic sleep schedule. 

There is another option though. You can train yourself to go to sleep at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every morning. This might take a couple of weeks for your body to adjust. Here is how I did it:

Take your morning dose of medication about 30-40 minutes before you actually need to wake up. This allows medication to kick in. It’s similar to the trick of drinking a cup of coffee before taking a power nap. I have two alarms. One to take my medication, and the other to actually wake up. My medication alarms have a particular tone so that I don’t take my medication twice.

Wake up at the same time every day, including weekends. You can’t oversleep or your body won’t adjust. Do not press the snooze button. Get up right away to start your morning routine. The 5-10 minutes that your snooze gives you isn’t going to make you feel less tired. It will make your feel groggy, which is something called sleep inertia. Your body doesn’t get to complete a full sleep cycle, and it will donk you up.

Add going outside to your morning routine. Even if it’s the winter, or mostly dark. I have an adorable greyhound, and he has to go potty as soon as I wake up. In the very least open your blinds/curtains and open your windows to get some fresh air and morning light. Studies show that light effects our circadian rhythm. I find that even when it’s dark out though, going outside helps due to the cool morning air.

Keep a consistent morning routine. Do everything in order like you are going down a checklist of tasks. Make your bed as your final task. Don’t get back in your bed. Your bed is for sleep or sex only.

Go to bed at the same time every night, no matter what. Medication has likely worn off by the time you go to sleep, and contradictory to neurotypical belief, when your brain wanders it can make it harder to fall asleep. So can hyperfocusing. I find that reading can keep me up as I will hyperfocus, but listening to audiobooks doesn’t cause those problems. I turn off the lights, put a seep mask on, and play an audiobook with wireless headphones to help me get to sleep. I recommend reading/listening to something light like fantasy or science fiction.  Save thrillers, horror, and mystery books to listen to during the day.

2. Exercise.

I recommend exercising in the morning everyday, cardio and strength training. Even if you just do some cardio 10-15 minutes, it is still beneficial. Most exercise physiologists would recommend a rest day, but I’ve found that lighter days work better than complete rest days. You will see a noticeable difference in your hyperactivity symptoms. It’s not simply that it gets the fidgets out of your system, it is good for a hyperactive mind and helps with emotional dysregulation as well. It will help you sleep at night too.

Always speak to your doctor before you begin any exercise regimen, especially if you are taking 60+ mg of ADHD medication and have not exercised regularly on your medication previously.

3. Eating.

Eat at the same time everyday. Your body will tell you you’re hungry at those times. It’s also helpful to schedule your food around medication so that you don’t repress your natural appetite. Also, not that it needs to be said, but the brain uses up a lot of calories. You need to eat to retain what you learn.

4. Emotional Regulation.

This is one of the hardest parts of ADHD that no one ever talks about. You may not even know what this is, or that emotional dysregulation is a symptom of ADHD. It’s never mentioned in the DSM or ICD because emotions are hard (and expensive) to quantify. A lot of medical professionals have never even heard of it. If you want to read up on it, I suggest reading work by Dr. Russell A. Barkley. To give you the basics though, ADHD brains fail to self regulate emotions. We have emotional impulsivity. When we take in sensory information for conscious appraisal the pathway goes like this: stimulus —> thalamus —> cortex —> amygdala. Our frontal cortex is not the greatest at giving us context, or telling us to chill out, so our amygdala can be in the driver’s seat often. This aspect can make us really fun people, because it can make us get excited easily and enjoy life to the fullest. It can also cause us problems. For example, expressing anger at your boss or teacher (even if you are rightfully angry) might not be the best—diplomacy may give a better outcome. Our amygdala doesn’t know what is best for our future selves.

So, how does one regulate emotion when you’re brain doesn’t function like you want it? Try practicing mindfulness. And no, I’m not taking about attending to everything coming into your working memory or weird granola hippy garbage. When you are having an emotional response, check in with yourself. Are you feeling overstimulated? Are you feeling understimulated? Are you hungry, are you thirsty? Are you tired? Is your medication wearing off? Notice patterns, notice what triggers the emotion, write it down. Develop a proverbial toolbox that can help you when you are not regulating your emotions well. This toolbox is individual to you, and it may take some trial and error.

Keep in mind that trauma is different than emotional dysregulation, although our emotional dysregulation doesn’t exactly help. A lot of us ADHD brains have experienced severe emotional trauma via ableism and abuse from the school system, from teachers, or from parents. It never gets talked about because it’s usually caused by someone in a position of authority, and we are hardly ever given a voice to talk about our own experiences. Find someone you can trust to talk to about it. Find ways to self sooth in a healthy way when re-experiencing that trauma. You may have complex PTSD. It’s difficult for us to get help for complex PTSD because society doesn’t recognize that disabled people experience trauma in a very unique way. Keep in mind PTSD wasn’t even considered a disability under the ADA until 2008, one couldn’t get social security for PTSD until 2017, and the ADA didn’t exist until 1990. If you do seek out help though, expect push back from some medical professionals, have someone that will support you through the process, and do so when you will not be experiencing new trauma. Also, remember, fellow ADHD brains are here and we all love and support you.

B. Disability Services:

I’m not going to sugar coat this. We are barely recognized as human beings, so our rights are always under fire. Being disabled in this world is like walking through a mine field. Not every university or work environment is going to follow the ADA. The ADA became law in 1990, and the abled have been dragging their feet ever since. It’s difficult to enforce, complaining to the government often leads to nothing, and getting a lawyer is expensive. It’s also hard to prove discrimination in court. The ADA leaves a lot of room for improvement. Ableism is a systemic problem pretty much worldwide. I’m not trying to upset anyone, but you need to be prepared for what you are up against.

1. Keep the nature of your disability private.

Never ever ever tell a professor or TA the nature of your disability. Tell them you have a disability recognized under the ADA which is federal law, do not tell them what disability you have. There are lots of tips on tumblr that will tell you to inform professors that you have x disability, and that they will be empathetic and blah blah blah. Those uninformed tips are putting your legal rights, and your grade, in danger. There are so many biases professors can and do have when it comes to ADHD and dyscalculia. You are just asking to experience ableism if you divulge. Some professors don’t believe that ADHD is a disability, or they believe that vaccines cause ADHD, or that you just magically grow out of ADHD when you turn 18 etc.  It isn’t your job to deal with their delusions, their biases, or their ableism — that’s their therapists’ or HRs’ problem. You do not have to tell anyone but your university disability services. Under the ADA you have a legal right to privacy, but if you divulge to a professor you are waiving that right.

I also wouldn’t recommend telling other students the nature of your disability. Unless you are pretty sure the other student also has your disability, but even then internalized ableism is a thing. You never know who they are going to tell, if they are ableist, or how they feel about your accommodations. You never want an abled student crying to a professor because they think your accommodations are “unfair”. If a student wants to know what disability you have, and you want to tell them something because you have become acquaintances/friends but don’t want to tell them exactly, say that you have a neurodevelopmental disability and/or a learning disability.

2. Advocate for your legal accommodations.

Disability services are not going to hold your hand. They are not going to simply offer you all the accommodations that you are legally allowed or would make you successful. They deal with hundreds of other students and likely have accommodations they offer everyone, regardless of the type of disability you have. Request accommodations that actually put you on the same playing field as everyone else. Read the ADA, and understand what reasonable accommodations are.

If you have ADHD, I would recommend requesting extended time on exams and assignments, a private room to take exams in that is free of distraction, handouts/materials and textbooks in text-to-speech capable formats, the ability to take breaks in-class or exams, reduced course load, and the ability to record lectures for note-taking. You may be able to request a memory aid for ADHD, as a lot of ADHD brains have very low working memory (also called short term memory) capacity. Part of our attention difficulties come from low working memory capacity as sensory input goes through working memory before it is stored in long term memory. Anything stored in long term memory must be pulled back into working memory to be used and manipulated. Get a psychologist that specializes in ADHD adults to test your working memory capacity if needed.

If you have dyscalculia, I would recommend requesting a memory aid (used for formulas, constants, equations etc), the use of calculator on exams and assignments, extended time on exams and assignments, reduced course load, and a private room for exams.

3. Get accommodations implemented.

This is a different process than getting accommodations approved. My uni makes me contact professors at the start of the quarter in an ‘engagement process’. Due to re-experiencing trauma, I avoid setting up a meeting with professors and just email. Emailing prevents professors form cornering you or badgering you to divulge your disability, or subtly threatening you about your registration or degree, and puts everything in writing so there is a legal paper trail. 

Professors may try to get out of their legal obligations. I have had this happen multiple times. I’ve even had professors tell me that accommodations aren’t helpful for disabled students, or that they are not fair to abled students — I responded with “well it’s not fair that I was born with a disability and that you’re gatekeeping disabled people from getting an education”… they didn’t take that well. Do not try to argue with a professor about your disability rights or accommodations, it will only make you upset and they will likely accuse you of being hysterical or unstable. I’ve even had a professor say that I “threatened” them when I simply reminded them of their legal obligations under federal law as they were trying to not implement accommodations. This is why email is the best choice — you have time to respond professionally and having the receipts is important to keep you legally safe. If a professor is being belligerent about implementing accommodations, tell disability services what is going on (forward your emails) and remind them that accommodations must be implemented in a timely manner under the ADA. If disability services tries to make you argue with your professor, say that you do not feel comfortable doing so. If they push further, tell them you would rather not without an attorney or other representative present — mention you would rather the university handle it internally as you are concerned bringing an attorney or representative into an argument would escalate the situation which isn’t ideal for anyone.

I have a standard email that I send professors during the ‘engagement process’ that I edit slightly to reflect the course. It is professional, polite, and reminds them of their legal obligations as well as university policy. In it I also outline what my approved accommodations are and suggest how they should be implemented. 

4. Any paperwork you have to turn in, make sure to do it early. 

Create reminders on your calendar, write the dates in your bujo future log, whatever you need to do to get that paperwork in on time. Read everything slowly. These are legal documents. If you have a support system… ASK FOR HELP. Seriously, don’t be afraid to ask your support system for help with legal documents.

C. Studying:

1. Choose two places to study.

I don’t like studying in the library or in cafes. I know it’s not as aesthetic to study at home, but it prevents me from people watching and getting distracted. I have two designated study areas. One is my desk, the other is a cozy couch. Choose locations based on stimulation and comfort. My desk is fairly understimulating, while the couch is a bit more stimulation.

2. Learn to use your hyperfocus.

Most reading this probably know what you need to get in the hyperfocus zone. If you don’t, then note any patterns/conditions when it happens so you will have an easier time using the only ADHD super power you’ve got. When you are hyperfocusing on studying, ride the wave for as long as you can. However, make sure to set alarms to eat, go to the bathroom, stretch etc. Don’t let your hyperfocus keep you from taking care of yourself.

3. Create a study routine.

I know I keep blathering on about routines, but it helps. Treat studying like you would training as a professional athlete. When you have a study routine, you never have to decide to study. That decision is already made for you. When studying for exams, make a checklist of everything you need to cover. Ask the professor in advance about what is going to be covered on exams so that you can make an exam study plan early. If your professor is a garbage person and won’t tell you use the syllabus, textbook readings, labs, lecture slides, and snoop on the internet for past exams. Last minute learning is never a good idea. The human brain simply can’t do it, and your working memory capacity is too low to cram.

4. Accept that everything will take you longer, and that it’s okay.

It sucks, it really does. Those neurotypicals don’t know how lucky they are. It’s going to take you longer to read, to learn material, and to do basically anything in life. That’s okay, you do you. Don’t compare yourself to others, it will only cause you to feel bad about yourself. Guess what though, you are already a statistical anomaly. Only 32% of ADHD children graduate high school. Only 22% of adults with ADHD get into university. Only 5% of ADHD adults graduate from university. You are already punching those statistics in the face by existing. Seriously, do what you need to do and fuck anyone that has a problem with it. You’ve got this! 

5. Create the environment you need for your brain.

Sometimes I’m feeling really over stimulated and I need complete silence. Sometimes I feel at a sort of stimulation equilibrium and I listen to lofi study beats playlists. Sometimes I feel understimulated or I’m doing something really tedious, and I need to put on a tv show or a movie in the background. I keep a list of TV shows and movies that I can put on in such cases. Pick things that you won’t really watch and that you are familiar with. It usually helps me transition so that I can start the studying task. Listen to your body and do what works for you.

6. Don’t use the pomodoro technique.

The pomodoro technique was made for neurotypicals. ADHD brains have difficulty transitioning between tasks. It’s better to study for as long as you can maintain focus or hyperfocus than rely on a set 25 minutes. Again, be sure to eat and use the bathroom! You don’t want to be taken off your meds due to weight loss, and you don’t want to get a UTI.

D. Tools of the Trade:

1. iPad Pro & Apple Pencil v.s. Echo Livescribe Smart Pen

I used to use the echo livescribe smart pen but now I use an iPad. It’s cheaper in the long run and I don’t have to worry about running out of paper. Apple has way better customer support as well as iCloud backups, plus they can find your device if lost. Now I only use the echo livescribe pen when taking exams. My university lets me use one from the disability office so that I can make verbal notes when doing long answer exam questions and to keep track of my thoughts if I want to skip over a question and come back to it. I requested it as an accommodation, it had to be approved by committee. They actually thanked me for being so creative and trained the person in charge of accessible technology so that it could be used with other students. It’s almost like asking disabled students about what helps us and our experiences is a good thing!

2. Notability

I use the app Notability for lectures as it can record the lecture and has great organizational capabilities. I usually copy/paste slides into my notes so that I can write on them as well. I also use Notability to read textbooks. It’s got fairly good text-to-speech compatibility, so you can move around if you need to. 

3. Goodnotes 5

I use the Goodnotes 5 app for a digital bujo as well as for making mind maps. It’s got some great shape recognition functions. Although Notability has improved their shape functionality, it’s still not as great as Goodnotes 5.

4. iWork 

I also use pages on my iPad to make condensed study guides / study notes. It’s also really great for writing essays or making tables. I used to hand-write study notes, but it takes way longer.

4. Omnifocus

Omnifocus is great for breaking down big projects into smaller tasks or making quick checklists. It’s a bit of a pain to learn how to use, but once you do it’s completely worth it.

5. Quizlet Plus

Quizlet Plus is completely worth it. I use it a lot for figures or structures I have to memorize, I draw figures in Notability and take a screen shot or grab it from my textbook. It’s a really amazing flashcard app. Also, if you have your textbook on your device, you can copy/paste definitions right into quizlet.

6. Studybreak

Studybreak is a great app for iphone. It tells you how long you have been studying, nags you if you’ve touched your phone to scroll social media, and can suggest that you take a break. You can program it to set how long you want to study for, how long you want to take a break for etc. You can also ignore the break suggestion which is nice when one is hyperfocusing. It also keeps statistics on how long you have been studying and for which subjects.

[wildeacademics]

The Paradox of Equality - and its Relationship with Equity

A note about the article before we begin: This essay is hella long with 1.2k words, and there’s a tl;dr at the end if you don’t want to go through the whole thing. 

If we’re looking to establish absolute, true equality, I can first tell you that true equality does not exist. The best thing we can do is to improve the circumstances of the ‘oppressed’/those suffering from inequality so that their psychological wellbeing improves. 

Why does true, absolute equality not exist? Let’s break down the term ‘equality’. According to the Cambridge Dictionary, there are various different definitions, which all tries to skirt around what most people might want equality to be. The closest definition, however, would be this: ‘a situation in which men and women, people of different races, religions, etc. are all treated fairly and have the same opportunities’. 

The first part of the definition seems easy enough to understand. ‘Men and women, people of different races, religions, etc.’ points out the various different groups of people who might be living in inequality, and hence suggests that they should have a right, and consequently need to achieve equality. However, the second part of the definition seems a bit daunting. What does it mean to be ‘treated fairly’? And what does it mean to ‘have the same opportunities’? 

When reading the definition, it is likely that you would already have had a broad idea of what being ‘treated fairly’ is. Be it established from consuming modern media (e.g. books, television, podcasts), or people around you, it’s ultimately subjective to the person’s interpretation (i.e. it’s different from people to people). It is because the term ‘fair’ is ultimately subjective. A way to make it objective would be to provide a ‘guideline’ of what would be deemed ‘fair treatment’. For example, fair treatment could mean forbidding someone from being held in slavery/servitude, which is Article 4 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. 

Furthermore, having the same opportunities is also subjective. In which context do you have same opportunities? I think the general consensus is to have the same opportunities since birth, and the same opportunities in all circumstances. But that is impossible. You can’t control where people are born, and in what kind of families people are born. Furthermore, you can’t guarantee same opportunities in all circumstances, because it would mean controlling people’s thoughts, desires, personality types. It would also mean restricting people’s choices in order to guarantee that the opportunities are actually equal. It shows that equality is circumstantial, but generally impossible. To actually carry out equality one would have to identify the scope, the context in which equality would be. But that would defeat the ultimate objective of equality, because it’s not equality ‘at all times’. 

The problem of equality is also paradoxical, because to ensure equality you need someone, or a source of authority to enforce such equality. Otherwise people would do whatever they want however they want it, and there would be no equality. (Think about a Lord of the Flies situation?) However, if there is an authority figure in place to guarantee equality, then there is no equality because of the power hierarchy. This paradox is why it makes equality impossible.

Let me first address the problem of having an authorial figure in place to keep equality. Initially, this might seem to be a good idea to allow a single leader to give out equal opportunities for everyone, especially if this person is wise and knows what they are doing. But here’s the thing. If only the real world have such wise leaders who could make such informed decisions. In fact, in reality these authority figures would probably give the people a smaller share of the resources, while keeping more for themselves. For example, North Korea (which claims to be socialist[1]) has had a long record of political corruption, where the common citizens starve whereas the higher echelons of the government enjoy luxurious lives. Because equality in all circles of society is required/guaranteed, it means that jobs are mandated. Since citizens can’t move up the social ladder, there is no threat to the government. Therefore, with absolute power, politicians/leaders would inevitably be corrupt, perhaps even more so than ‘democratic’ societies. 

So how do we ensure equality (absolute equality, I think, would be a better term to be used in this argument) without authority figures and no one ensuring such equality? The simplest answer to this question is anarchism. Anarchism refers to the political belief that there should be little or no formal or official organization to society, but that people should work freely together. By getting rid of a leadership organization altogether, it gives a chance for equality at the bottom - for the common people. But once people are left to their own devices, it’ll probably be Lord of the Flies all again, and would likely result in the rise of yet another leadership - who knows. 

Furthermore, equality can sometimes damage the situations of those it’s meant to improve. Equality, as established above, means to give the same opportunities to everyone regardless of background. This might work well on discrimination based on race, gender or other situations where people have no physical barriers to success. But what if the people as established are facing handicaps? Imagine a situation where a man in a wheelchair, and a man with no physical handicaps, and they are both given the ‘same opportunity’ to go up to the fourth floor of the same building through taking the stairs. They are given the same opportunities, yet this benefits only the man with no physical handicaps. Giving equal opportunities to everyone with no regard to situation is not only unequal since people aren’t treated fairly, it also worsens the problem of inequality and discrimination. A real-life scenario where there are equal opportunities but does not benefit everyone would probably be the education system, where neurodivergent children are forced to study under the same conditions as neurotypical children. 

So far I’ve established the fact that true equality is not possible. What should be in place then? How could we improve people’s lives, and improve inequality? The best answer to this would be equity. You probably have seen this cartoon before: 

This gives a glimpse of the difference between equality and equity, in which not everyone is given the same opportunity, but rather the opportunities that would suit them. Equality had been proposed because of increasing discrimination, as a means to reduce such inequality. However, if we ignore the circumstances surrounding individuals, then providing the same opportunities might very well widen the inequality gap. Hence equity would be the best solution to solve the problem of inequality. One example would be progressive taxing; the more money you earn, the more taxes you pay. By taking into account the monetary ability of individuals, this would allow wealth inequality to decrease. Hence equity would be the best solution to the discrimination and inequality problem instead.  

TL;DR: True equality doesn’t exist, advocate for equity instead. 

A/N: This is long as heck and I’m really sorry, because the problem should’ve been tackled in less words but here we are. I hope this is somewhat enlightening and not a waste of your time ;w;. Feel free to have discussions with me through reblogging this/dm-ing me! I’ll be interested to see what other people think of this issue. (I’ll also be writing another article on the paradoxical relationship of equality and freedom next if anyone wants to read that) 

Notes below: 

[1] North Korea’s official ideology is juche, which is meant to claim that, through man acting as ‘the master of his destiny’, they would become self-reliant and strong’, allowing the nation to achieve true socialism. 

- Source: Juche Idea: Answers to Hundred Questions. Pyongyang: Foreign Languages Publishing House. 2014.

Picture source: https://interactioninstitute.org/illustrating-equality-vs-equity/ 

[sometimesrosy]

I think Echo’s infiltrating Bardo-a new culture/world-like she was trained to do. And I think it’s to keep her people safe/avenge Bellamy. She’s loyal to a fault and the way that may be a weakness isn’t by betraying her friends, but doing wrong things for the right reasons in their names. So what will she do? 🤔 I think E’s taken the “you need a leader/who will you be without one” to heart and is now owning who she’s become, all on her own: a damn good spy. She’s doing what she does best rn.

I agree.

But also, I want to say that just because Bellamy said loyalty was her flaw, doesn’t mean that loyalty is bad. Or her loyalty even. Or that it will always be her flaw.

She could be on a road to development of making her flaw into a strength, in fact I think she is. 

Maybe she WOULD do anything for the people she was loyal to in the past, like cheating at the conclave. This is a quality shared by Clarke. And by Bellamy, frankly... maybe that’s where he came up with the concept, recognizing what he was willing to do for HIS people. That’s how the show started, right? He shot Jaha for Octavia. And his whole character arc was about him learning that you COULD go too far for the people you love.

We didn’t get a whole conversation from him about it, but if you look at the narrative, you can see his own journey and clarke’s too.

And there’s a similarity to what MW did, they started their terrible experiments with their enemies, the grounders, but given the chance, they moved on to their allies, the delinquents, and THEN they went the whole way and started on their own people. The Ark did this too, when they sacrificed the expendable citizens, sent the delinquents to die, tried to abandon the delinquents to the mountain, etc. And again this happened in the bunker, when Octavia treated everyone as an enemy, including her own people for disagreeing, for wanting to leave, for wanting to not fight. And Sanctum, where the primes treated the hosts like cattle and the nulls as wastes of space to be left to die, ultimately abandoning all of sanctum for an easier/better life.

Oh hey, that sounds like this famous quote by Martin Niemöller:

First they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a socialist. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out— because I was not a trade unionist. Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

Except Echo (and all our characters) are taking the role of “they” in their society. They’re the ones “coming for” the enemies, no? These societies they live in are the ones turning everyone into “the other.” When WE are loyal to OUR people, who are going after the enemies, and we don’t watch how the definition of enemy expands (because we gain POWER by having an enemy to fight and by defeating them,) then pretty soon, we become, not the hero of the story, but the villain. 

Doing ANYTHING for your people leads from “protecting” them, to deciding that anyone who is a threat to them, is worthy of destruction. INCLUDING your own people.

I’d like us to look at how we can see that IRL. First, lets look at fandom and how we form “krus” where people are joined in their love for something-- a ship or a show or a character. And THEN they start opposing those who aren’t part of their kru, who don’t love what they love or even hate them. And then they start attacking. 

The antis are wonkru before they’re released from the bunker, and probably after, too. They turned on their own fandom, figuratively eating their own people who did not EXACTLY follow their own dogma(harassment, nasty anons, cut and paste diatribes.) Throwing them into the fighting ring (I have been tossed in there and i’m done with it.) Burning the farms, (telling everyone bellarke is dead.) Executing the defectors (cancelled). Forcing them into the desert and a march to annihilation (yet another scandal that people demand you take a stand on.) 

And go ahead expand the idea further away from fandom. Because our government is also doing this. Denying other people humanity and citizenship because of race, religion, sexuality, identity, ethnicity, nationality, gender, creed, profession, class, region, etc. They have systematically excluded people from protection under the law until we’re at the point where you’re not actually a citizen unless you’re white, male, christian, straight, neurotypical, conservative, wealthy business owners from particular regions of the country. The rest of us are fodder.

I’m gonna argue that The 100 is against fascism. That it’s ABOUT, in part, how easy it is for humanity to descend into fascism, and we can get there through many routes, leader or follower or bystander or victim. So the question is if Echo would be a soldier for a fascist king? Again, actually, because I think Nia counts as fascist when you consider what she has done. Has she learned about what it means to be a follower? (this was an explicit conversation between Abby and Jackson, about following orders when those orders are morally wrong.) Is she FOLLOWING again? Or is she working according to her own morals, and trying to undermine the fascists regime that has captured her people.

[rotationalsymmetry]

In particular, that post puts “neurotypical” in scare quotes and doesn’t seem to understand the effect that being neuroatypical can have on people in terms of social stigma on top of innate issues: the bullying, the lack of social support because you can’t keep friends, the way it fucks over your career prospects even if you’d otherwise have good ones, the way it fucks with your ability to keep up with the paperwork necessary to get government benefits if you’re in that situation. The way it almost inevitably screws over your mental health as well.

Would I trade the way I got ostracized in middle school and the difficulty regulating emotions and all the rest (and I don’t even know for sure what’s going on with me, apart from the CFS and presumably some depression or something closely related) for a life in poverty with poisoned water and getting pulled over for driving while black etc and so forth? Idk, I haven’t had that kind of life, I have no way to compare them. (And the idea of dealing with both at the same time is the stuff of which nightmares are made.) I will say a lot of aspects of my life have sucked balls, and not just innate stuff that has nothing to do with other people.

It...should be possible to talk up and draw attention to Flint and police brutality and the way poverty activists risk getting their children taken from them and put into foster care for their activism, and the way poverty lowers life expectancy, and all this other stuff — and it is some really serious awful stuff — without being dismissive of the issues around ABA and the r-word and bullying and workplace discrimination and the intersection of ADHD and law enforcement and the intersection of autism and law enforcement and disability housing rights and....

And that’s not getting into the queer and trans stuff.

And it yes should be possible to talk about how you can’t tell how oppressed someone is by adding things up, because they’re not discrete qualities, without talking about it in a way that implies that being a poc in Flint who’s also on the autism spectrum and trans is somehow not generally speaking dramatically harder to deal with than being a poc in Flint who’s neurotypical and cisgender. It should be possible to talk about this without implying that there’s real oppression and fake oppression.

Because if we’re drawing categories like that, if we’re playing oppression Olympics, there’s actually some pretty solid reasons to put disability right in the center, yeah before class.

But really. Please can we not do oppression Olympics.

[koalas-koalas-everywhere]

Regarding Vulcans and autism

Since why the hell not make it a series with recognizable titles that will make it easy to look up and create links for if I ever make enough of them for it to be worth it. Disclaimer: it might be hard to understand what I’m getting at without reading the other posts since this isn’t supposed to be, like, a comprehensive analysis on how one is like the other.

Thing is, as an Aspie woman, I can see perfectly well how Vulcans expressing nothing but neutrality gets twisted in reception and interpreted as smugness/disdain, and autism (or at least Asperger’s, I am sorta more knowledgeable about one than the other) does tend to include self-awareness issues that leads to feelings of superiority and/or inferiority, and with the most recognizably “autistic” (either explicitly or through coding) being the Sheldon Coopers and the BBC Sherlock types, the assumption that anyone like them in some ways will follow in others (heck, might be why pop culture has accepted Holmes as an asshole at all, since he wasn’t that bad in the stories but he WAS smart and eccentric and every once in a while disdaindful of the people whose jobs he did better than them) is not unexpected.

The problem’s not really there because I actually have faith that we could have talked about it and raised awareness of not only this case, but also made people question why seeing a smart(er), seemingly cold but all-around just neutral characters or races made everyone raise their hackles to such a degree, assume that they’re actually mostaken about their skills (literally have seen people go “but what if Vulcans only think they’re some of the best scientists around bc they’re supercilious assholes and it’s just not true”)and wrong about life in general. Don’t get me wrong, I do get the impulse ever since Star Trek (2009), but, well, that’s just the thing, that’s where the problem is. Because we could have talked about it in fandom and be friends about it, but now there are TWO official canon sources that depict the Vulcans as intolerant, xenophobic, racist, ableist hypocrites, and not only is it harder to argue with actual canon telling you that you were right about your worst assumptions, but now you’ve seen them be actually WORSE than you first thougt, and to your faves, and in such a way that none of their positive/redeeming qualities (say, being all of that stuff sorta kinda messes up the whole IDIC thing, but it wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t doing it out out of malice, but out of ignorance and genuine misunderstanding, and if the only members who were shown to be sorta kinda decent weren’t at least partly from a different species (u.s., uh, I mean, us) and/or implied to have been influenced by a different culture) were shown. In fact, those good qualities, such as their pacifism, reverence for life, belief and respect for diversity, their curiosity and constant push for knowledge that probably wouldn’t let them just let a kid fall by the wayside becuase he was dyslexic (“there is no other wisdom, and no hope for us, but that we grow wise”), their deep attachment to their morality that’s even more important to them than to be liked by the other members of the Federation COUGH COUGH AUTISM MUCH COUGH COUGH were the first to be dropped in favour of what’s anathema to all of this, the last one in particular was turned on its head so it wasn’t that they used their logic to arrive to the most compassionate and fair choice, and it had to be logic since emotion would resist a sacrifice in a way logic won’t, making logic the compassionate choice (as they saw it, I don’t think it’s universally true, but also not universaly false), but that they were mich more willing to let people suffer and to look the other way and not be affected at all because, I don’t know, they mistook logic, which is a tool, with efficiency, which is a goal, I’d guess.

They lost the best things about them because freaking J J Abrams decided to make movies about a franchise he didn’t even like and then, even though all of it could have stayed in a parallel universe were, as many have proposed, Vulcans were worse because the Kelvin accident led people to know what Romulans looked like earlier so THEY were worse and everyone was just an asshole to each other, but then Discovery took a leaf out of his book and used his version of Vulcans and even changed old characters to fit this new version better (Sarek doesn’t disagree with Starfleet because of its bellicosity [you can’t even argue that he still disaproves of violence because he spent the worst part of the war following General Cornwell around and idk commiting mind crimes] or because he sees it as a rejection from Spock [since he says he’ll keep his distance because it’s what Spock would want and what the fuck even was that?] and he’s a cold bastard who’d take a child to a completely different culture than the one she’s used to purely for superficial beliefs and even then he’ll still prioritize his more Vulcan son, Amanda doesn’t think Vulcan’s is a hard but better way [and honestly she wouldn’t be justified to] so since she can’t be staying because of her children since they’re being mistreated, she must be doing it because of Sarek which is just so feminist, you guys, and ok, I better change topics before this becomes an “everything that’s wrong about Disco with a sidenote of everything that’s not objectively wrong but I still didn’t like”, but also, Vulcan brains can literally lobotomize themselves while dealing with trauma, don’t you think they’d take mental health seriously?) so now it’s canon in the original universe, too. Even with Enterprise (which, to be honest, I haven’t watched, I’ve only learned what was going on with Vulcans from Memory Alpha and the recounting might hace left events and/or the essence and implications of the plotline out), the tomfoolery was supposed to be Romulans infiltrating the government and twisting Surak’s teachings, all of this is supposed to be how things vecame after they got his katra back and went through the Reform.

And this got long, but the thing is: it’s not just about the Vulcans. It’s about the fact that some of the worst assumptions made about them were recognizable at least by this one Aspie as, among other things, a neurotypical’s response to an autistic trait and a long history of negative autistic coding, and now they’ve been confirmed by canon, so instead of having a nice discussion and maybe a bit of disk horse about this, we’ve gotta deal with the fact that now some people feel legitimally repelled by and resentful of Vulcans (insofar as any emotion applies to fiction) because they are now the bigots and oppressors - now it’s not a one episode race of black&white and white&black people ridiculously pointing at the obvious differences between each other, but Vulcans who have said and done bigoted things many people have been exposed to during their lives, and if they were ever willing to give them, and by extension us, a chance, now it’s ruined. I am not, of course, saying that if you hate Vulcans, especially now, you’re ableist, or that making them the Asshole^tm will turn people ableist. Just that it would have been nice to see people like me who didn’t end up justifiably despised.*

*Especially through character assassination, couldn’t you have at least made them unlikeable from the start?

[thessalian]

Thess vs Challenge

Yesterday was a particularly hard day on a lot of levels, and between that and my current wind-down of watching Jim Sterling and playing Zen-type match-three bullshit, I want to talk a bit about my approach to challenge.

Because ... you know, I’ve got a lot to challenge me at the moment. We all do. When we’re working, we’ve got the challenges of the job - whether it’s actual tasks demanded at work that are difficult for whatever reason, or dealing with colleagues, or the commute, or all of the above. We’ve got surviving on what pay we can get from said job - not always easy, and in fact, tremendously difficult for a lot of people. It’s a weird combination of some show like The Price is Right and an Iron Chef challenge: “After your rent and your bills and your transport costs, this is how much money you have for your grocery shop; now find the sale items, and use them to create the most nutritious, filling meal possible with your current limitations that also provides enough calories to get you through the day!” There’s household maintenance - by which I mostly mean cleaning, taking out the trash, laundry, that kind of thing. That’s a lot, all stacked on top of each other.

All of that, incidentally, is for the average, able-bodied, neurotypical person. Imagine doing all of that when disabled or neurodivergent or both. Imagine trying to keep your brain from eating itself, or your body from screaming protest like a chained dog to prevent you from actually moving, and then trying to do all of the above. Actually, some of you don’t have to imagine that. Most of you don’t have to imagine that. You deal with it every day. Just dealing with disabilities on their own is a challenge; trying to deal with them on top of dealing with the demands of the household is a fucking nightmare.

Then dump stress on top of that. Leaving aside the stress that the challenges already mentioned above cause most people ... well, for a lot of people, the stress is pretty significantly directed. Read the news sometime - imagine what it’s like for people who are LGBTQ+, reading at how the government they didn’t fucking vote for but got anyway because of a bunch of unpleasant fuckheads and the Electoral College are stripping away their rights. Imagine being POC and reading the egregious racism going on, and how many people die for effectively Existing While Black, and the lengths ICE will go to in order to persecute Hispanic or even Hispanic-looking people, and currently that whole bullshit about “the Chinese virus”, which presents a problem for anyone with features from East and Southeast Asia because a lot of violent redneck assholes can’t tell the difference between Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Thai, Vietnamese etc people on sight (and frankly don’t fucking care). Basically, the rise of the alt-right has anyone who’s not straight, white, and male living with an undue amount of stress. That’s not even counting the younger generation who’s watching the generation or two up righteously fuck up the planet they’re going to have to live in because either no one remembers the phrase “we don’t inherit the earth from our ancestors; we borrow it from our children” or they just don’t fucking care. (It’s probably the latter, honestly.)

Add in the COVID-19 thing, with its attendant shortages, job losses, struggles with the benefits systems of one’s country of residence, isolation fatigue, fear about the stupid fucking protesters and politicians saying “there’s more to life than living” (or, worse, either unironically suggesting that people ingest disinfectant or wilfully trolling the media and thus the world during a time of global pandemic). With that, you’ve got the recipe for a gumbo of challenge that’s way too spicy for most to handle easily. We have enough challenges. This is just more seasoning than we need.

Now, some people may seek out more ... let’s say frivolous challenges to try to distract themselves from the challenges of day-to-day life. I know I’m sort of taking that approach to a point - I’m trying to get to grips with knitting but I’m not sure that challenge is surmountable until I can get my glasses prescription checked because I cannot fucking see what I am doing. Alternatively, some people might be taking social isolation to mean “Finally getting to grips with that game that takes way more skill to play effectively than I currently possess”. Which is fine; if that’s your coping strategy, have fun and more power to you.

Not all of us can do that. Not all of us have the spoons, the spell slots ... pick your analogy for personal resources ... to cope with one more bit of frustration on top of everything that’s currently going on. That’s always going to be the case. Some people? All they want to do when they get home or are stuck at home is to get away from the stress and anything that smacks of challenge or stress and just. Fucking. RELAX once in awhile.

See, this is kind of why I think that maybe the ‘git gud’ crowd maybe doesn’t have jobs or school or homework. If the number of hours they put into playing their unforgiving-difficulty game of choice wasn’t enough of an indication, these people simply do not seem to understand that some people want an interactive story that’s not all that challenging but provides enough hand-eye-coordination busywork to get them through and let them feel like they achieved something in a low-stress situation. Of course, that doesn’t have to mean Dark Souls or Bloodborne or Sekiro or whatever, but the fact that it offends these people that some people might just play games to relax, to have a slightly more active-participation bit of entertainment than slumping in front of a TV all day ... it suggests that they’ve managed to block out any source of challenge elsewhere in their lives. Or maybe they’re just focusing on the one element of challenge where they can actually rise to said challenge and want to make sure they’re not sharing that with others because it will diminish the one achievement they actually have.

I’m being a bit petty, I admit it. Maybe I’m just sick and tired of catching peripheral views of gatekeeping assholes insisting that the things I play aren’t games because I don’t play on hard mode and occasionally use a god mode cheat (mostly for games that are either locked into or primarily designed for a first person view that I want to play for the story or the exploration but that I couldn’t play without all but eliminating the risk of combat because of my migraine issues - xref: Bioshock, any Fallout game, any Elder Scrolls game). I work hard enough elsewhere, thanks. I am dealing with a lot of stress right now, I’ve just had to start more or less completely rebuilding one of the pillars of my D&D campaign’s central story arc, and the last thing I want is to have a fucking machine shout “YOU HAVE DIED” at me thirty-six times in a row. I want to immerse myself in a story more fully than television allows, not find a whole new wall to beat my head against.

[autiworld]

I'm seeing a new phenomenon predominately from 2019

A bunch of morons criticising autistic self advocacy. As many online autistic self advocacy communities are developing; some closeminded neurotypicals are finding them, and when they are meeting the concepts of autism self advocacy; they are getting shocked. They are saying things sort of like (i dont remember exact wording but interactions went like that) as if they love autistic people yet their points constantly keep shaming the concept of autistic self-advocacy.

"If they are running a blog/ facebook page/ webcomic then they are probably not autistic".

"If they are writing books they are not autistics".

"Self-suspection/ Self-diagnosis? could that be a thing? Sounds a dangerous/ harmful idea. If the community is accepting any self-suspected autistic then they aren't autistics".

"How the patients dare to claim they understand their own body/mind better than a qualified professional doctor?".

"I have seen nowadays there are online autistic communities even! They keep claiming they are autistic but thus they undermine/underrepresent the severe autistics for whom its not possible to write social media blogs".

"They claims they understand severe autism better than parents of autistic kids"

"They are telling autism is not a curse and they are supporting vaccination!"

"They are so impolite/ ill-mannered and flouts community guideline every now and then. They keep undermining the parents and relatives of severely autistic kids".

"Personal medical issues must be censored out from social media. Its like everyone has become doctor, and its dangerous idea".

"If they are minority groups they should rather try to fit in with the normal and accepted".

"There are enough psychiatrists government advertisements and parent groups etc. Why they are annoying people by saying there isnt enough acceptance or understanding? It must be an ideology-driven pointless protest".

"All of social media is bad, and don't waste your time with these sketchy shady mysterious advocacy groups from random corner of world whom you personally don't know. If some of them are writing anonymously then these are fake accounts which are dangerous".

"We'll tell others you are interacting with some embarassingly weird and boring concepts. Don't get stuck with personal medical questions, throw it off. Or ask a doctor and avoid any online forums".

"Your problem is solely your alone, you need not to think of whoever else on this planet have same experiences. Why they would try to reach autistics of world's scattered corner? They must be necessarily have bad intents"

"Nobody of my family is autistic, so my family must not know".

"We know enough about autism. We did seminar/ course/ medical degree/ etc. and we dont need to listen more than that"

etc. etc.

[scoutbert]

I experienced psychosis. This is what I want people to know.

TW: talks of mental illness, mention of suicidal thoughts/ideation.

I don't really talk about this that much because there is SO much stigma and misinformation. Like so bad. And it's really personal and I feel like people get shit on for talking openly about it "too much" or whatever. But I have experienced psychosis and occasionally I get some symptoms of it. Most people hear "psychosis" and immediately think of something like a naked man running around in public, or someone wearing a tinfoil hat to keep the government out of their brain. While those things can and do happen, that's more of a generalized stereotype. Experiencing psychosis is NOT the same as having schizophrenia; psychosis is a symptom rather than an illness. Psychotic episodes may last a few hours or several weeks. Below I have a list of some experiences people who are psychotic may experience. The parts in asterisks are those I have firsthand experienced.

Behavioral: aggression, agitation, *disorganized behavior*, hostility, *hyperactivity*, hypervigilance, lack of restraint, nonsense word repetition, persistent repetition of words or actions, *repetitive movements, restlessness, self-harm*, or *social isolation*

Cognitive: belief that an ordinary event has special and personal meaning, belief that thoughts aren't one's own, *confusion, difficulty thinking and understanding, disorientation, false belief of superiority, memory loss, racing thoughts, slowness in activity, thought disorder, thoughts of suicide, or unwanted thoughts*

Mood: anger, *anxiety, apathy, excitement, feeling detached from self, general discontent, limited range of emotions, loneliness, or nervousness*

Psychological: *depression, fear, hearing voices*, manic episode, *paranoia, persecutory delusion*, religious delusion, or *visual hallucinations*

Speech: deficiency of speech, *excessive wordiness*, incoherent speech, or *rapid and frenzied speaking*

Also common: *nightmares* or tactile hallucination

Most likely, someone who is in psychosis is NOT VIOLENT OR A THREAT. People with mental illness are as likely to be violent or criminal as neurotypical people. Most aggression stems from the beliefs of being persecuted or confused and disoriented.

When I was 15 I had an acute psychotic episode. I was hearing 2 voices, both of which basically kept telling me to kill myself whenever I was near something I could harm myself with. Walking over a bridge, near a highway/train tracks, cutting food, shaving, etc. I had nightmares every night about being chased and hunted by the mundane people in my life- teachers, doctors, family, friends. My grades plummeted at school because I barely knew what was going on. I had few friends. It was terrifying and lonely. I went to Butler Hospital (inpatient) and was stabilized but over medicated. Seroquel. Terrible drug. Killed the voices but made me gain a lot of weight and fall asleep constantly in public. I stopped taking it because I became convinced my doctors were part of a gigantic corporate scam to poison my "brilliant mind" specifically to stop me from being a whistleblower, a savior of the people so to speak. I am mostly stable now.

Lately I have been having a *few* symptoms. Mild ones- mild enough I have insight that I am experiencing them, rather than not having insight and being duped by the symptoms. I believe these are the product of certain substances I use recreationally. As a result, I am going to stop doing them.

The reason I wrote this post is because I am starting to realize sometimes the people around me might notice some of these behaviors from me. I may say things that don't make sense, only have "loose associations" to the conversation, talk too fast, too much, or use too many words to get a relatively simple point across. Or even fail to get a point across. I may not hear you at all, I may look like my brain is a thousand miles away, I might say strange things. You may notice me "zoning out" but I may be focusing on a subtle hallucination, which consists of psychedelic-looking overlay on normal items such as geometric figures, or warping of figures. I may seem nervous or fidgety/make repetitive movements like rocking. I might laugh inappropriately (when something isn't that funny or doesn't make sense to be laughed at) or have a lack of appropriate emotional response to certain things (not crying to very sad things, or being very emotional/angry over very little things.) Some of these are cross-occurring due to being depressed and having PTSD.

I want the people in my life to know I'm not a danger to them. I am in counseling, I'm on medications, I know when it's time to seek a higher level of care (hospitalization.) I ask for empathy, understanding, support and most importantly, your patience. I'm still the same Scout. All these things have affected my life for 5 years and I barely told anyone. In fact I'm pretty sure everyone who reads this didn't know most of this about me.

I really need people to educate themselves on this because the media is full of horseshit. It is a disgusting lack of truth and rife with stereotypes/misinformation. I also request that er stop throwing the words "psycho" and "delusional" around as insults to people we don't like/disagree with because it furthers the stigma and reutilizes the MEDICAL language so important to my life. I see everyone calling for people to be more sensitive about saying they're "so bipolar/OCD/ADHD" as casual adjectives rather than tangible disorders and also call for that same energy to be applied to things such as psychosis/mania/etc.

If anyone has any questions please PM me privately. Thanks.

[littlebabycrybtch]

no offense but @ allistics please try to break any habit of questioning autistic ppl over literally everything ‘odd’ they do with that judgemental “this doesnt seem very neurotypical of you” tone of voice like,,, i get it you’re curious when we do things you’re not used to and thats normal but yall tend to never make an effort to Sound like you’re ~just curious~,,,,,,,,, “uhh What are you doing” doesnt sound like an inquisitive kid on a field trip to the museum it sounds like. you’re disgusted by my harmless actions and want me to stop doing them just bc of your unnecessary mild discomfort with something different. this is our Life, you cant keep acting surprised when we dont take kindly to your 'curiosity’ when its got such a negative or spectating bite to it for no reason. curiosity is great! but theres a difference between ‘curious’ ‘confused’ and ‘annoyed’ and tbh, you dont need to excuse any rude kneejerk reactions with ‘but i was just curious!’. just say sorry for the tone and ask again politely if you really think you should understand it but also... you dont always have to get things! sometimes ppl are just gonna be harmlessly weird and you can always just move on and ignore it, or frankly it can end up being like 10x better if you just go along with shit in life instead of asking why. if you come into my room and ive got metal spoons over my eyelids? you can ask me nicely and ill tell ya ‘got hot lids’ and if you happen to feel so inclined you can plop right down next to me and try it too. aint no harm. ill give you government secrets on stimming if you’re nice to me

[chronically-autistic-dinosaur]

This is an EXTREMELY long post, but there you have it:

With the exception of the first photo, these tests were taken in March. I took the same tests back in November and I took them even earlier than that as well. I got nearly the the same results. I score high for Aspergers. I’ve had questions and concerns for the past 5 or so years about whether or not I had ASD (certain things stuck out to me) and so I started to do some research. I did those tests, talked to some people, and looked into my childhood and realized the signs were always there. Now, I could pay almost $3000 and get my diagnosis on a piece of paper, but what’s the point of that? I’ll still get the same results on the tests. The diagnosis will just sit in my medical file and unless I plan on getting government benefits, I don’t see the point. Yes, I was diagnosed when I was 12. No, I don’t have it in writing anywhere (that I know of). My testing was done as part of a clinical trial I was in and the results of those are never made public or put in a medical record. It sucks, but that’s how those things work. My parents know my diagnosis and I know. That’s enough for me.

Yes, I hit every developmental milestone, but most of us with Aspergers do. We don’t normally have the speech and language deficits that those elsewhere on the spectrum will have. It’s why we are usually misdiagnosed/diagnosed later in life. We are more intelligent than most people. My IQ is 120 (according to all the free tests I’ve done here and the over the years). Now that’s not genius level, but it IS higher than normal. I was reading proficiently at 4 years old. By the time I was in Kindergarten, I was reading at a grade 3 level and could comprehend what I was reading. We have excellent memory recall. I can retain information a lot easier than most. I could name the capital cities of most countries (and if given a few minutes, I could still remember). I love reference books and text books and I was the same way as a child. I’ve always been smarter than my age, which is common for Aspies.

In the language category though, I DO have minor echolalia. I will mimic/repeat what people have said to me. When a customer tells me they are paying with debit (or whatever their payment method is), I will repeat what they said. I’ll repeat numbers back when someone is telling me them. I’ll repeat phrases I hear on TV or movies. It may be immediate or it may be a delayed response somewhere down the road. I use words and phrases out of context. I’ll print something or a receipt will print and I will say “perfect” or “excellent.” I heard the word somewhere and I’m now repeating it in a situation. I talk to myself. And I’m talking full on conversations. Extremely common in those with ASD. I did it as a child as well but it would have been chalked up to “oh she just has an imaginary friend.”

I have very particular interests. At the age of 5, I was reading medical dictionaries and encyclopedias. I love anything medical. I love true crime and serial killers. My favourite TV shows are either medical or crime related. In grade 2, I knew the name of every dinosaur and what period they lived in. If I’m talking to people and they don’t like either of those things, the conversation is over. I could go on and on about my interests and not get bored. This is another ASD trait.

I also inventoried my Halloween candy. I did this every year up until I stopped trick or treating. I organized my teddy bears and inventoried them as well. In fact, everything in my bedroom was inventoried. I had a massive Barbie doll collection and I would spend hours setting everything up in VERY specific spots. It would stay like that for months and the Barbies wouldn’t get played with because I didn’t want anything to get touched and wrecked.

Stimming. It’s a coping mechanism. It’s how I deal with the world around me. Stimming calms me down and can prevent a meltdown. As a child, I chewed things. I chewed my sleeves on my sweaters and the collars on my t-shirts. I sucked on my fingers/hands. I still chew. I chew on hoodie strings. I chew my nails (which I also did as a kid). I play with my hands. I bang my fists against my legs. I play with headphone wires. I also do the stereotypical autistic clapping of the hands. It’s the most obvious of my stims, but what can you do? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sensory Processing Disorder. This is the most common sign of ASD. In fact, anyone with autism will have SPD to some degree. This was actually the first thing I started researching since a person can have SPD without being autistic. After doing my research, that wasn’t my case. I have mild-moderate SPD. I have always been a picky eater. I eat foods based off of their texture. It’s why I eat a lot of processed food. It has no texture. I don’t like sticky foods like fruit because I can’t stand having sticky hands. In fact, I can’t stand having dirty hands in general. I eat finger food with a fork and a knife for this exact reason. My food can’t touch (unless it’s a stir fry or something) I can’t have tags in my shirts. I don’t wear belts. I don’t wear tight clothing. I don’t like being touched or hugged. It’s uncomfortable. This is also common in people with ASD. As a kid, I was forced to hug because in a NT (Neurotypical) world, that’s what you do. So I learned to fake it. I get window seats on planes so the flight attendants and other passengers can’t touch me. I wear noise cancelling headphones so I can block out most of the noise outside. It can be a tad overwhelming at times. I am sensitive to bright lights, high pitched sounds and certain smells. My brain doesn’t have a filter to properly filter out all the different senses so overload is a thing and always has been. My migraines are more than likely because of sensory overload. As a child, my sensory overload may have disguised itself as something else, though.

Social Interaction. Those with ASD struggle with social skills. I can count on one hand how many friends I had in school. And I’m going from Kindergarten to Grade 12. And I no longer have regular contact with these people. I was able to copy (common for those with ASD) those around me and make friends that way. But I had no idea what I was really doing. Making friends is hard when you have ASD. I lack the social skills needed to talk to people. I was shy. I liked playing alone because it was easier than talking to people and I could be off in my own world. To this day, I still don’t like talking to people. I have to rehearse what I’m saying before I say it. I don’t like talking on the phone. I will use self serve checkouts if I only have a few items. I use the self serve kiosks at McDonalds so I don’t have to speak to an employee. I have learned to adapt in a NT world and I have a job that requires me to talk to people. But it’s repetitive. I say the same thing to each customer. If I have to deviate from that system, I’m flustered. I do not make eye contact with people. It’s unnerving. I look past people. I struggle with reading body language. I avoid most large social gatherings. I’m not trying to be anti-social. But having to deal with all the people and the noise gives me anxiety and overwhelms me. Even in school, when ever there was some event in the class, I would try and be in the back, so I wouldn’t have to interact with anyone.

Emotions. I struggle with empathy and sympathy. Not ALL those with ASD have issues with those but I do. I have a hard time feeling sorry for people or knowing what people are going through. I don’t know why people are crying sometimes. I don’t know what to do when people are crying. Even as a kid, I could hurt my siblings and it wouldn’t bother me that they were in pain. I simply didn’t care. I also don’t express my emotions correctly or know WHEN to correctly express my emotions. It’s why I threw tantrums as a child. It’s one of the reasons I saw a counselor in Grade 3.

Meltdowns. These are different then tantrums. Meltdowns happen when I get too overwhelmed with everything (sensory overload or stress) and I shut down. I CAN go non-verbal but that is extremely rare. I also suffer from shutdowns, which are milder forms of meltdowns.

Routine and Structure. Another big sign of those with ASD is routine. This is one of the the things that stuck out to me the most before I even started doing research. I always had a routine. And it couldn’t be changed or it would cause major problems for me. I have morning routine and it doesn’t matter where I am, I follow it. I have another routine for my Monday and Friday shifts. If it deviates at all, we could have a meltdown depending on how much of a deviation there is. I don’t recall much routine as a child, but I imagine it was there in some form.

Those with ASD have sleep problems. I wake up 3-4 times a night and I remember being this way even as a child. I am never tired though. 4 hours of sleep has always been sufficient for me and the research I have done on ASD and sleep shows this to be a common thing. I also have to sleep with my iPad on. I can’t have complete silence or darkness when I sleep. I can recall sleeping with my light on when I was younger.

Now how did I go so long without any of this being noticed by teachers or even my parents? Well I was born in 1989. Autism was not a big thing back then so it wouldn’t have been on the radar of anyone, really. My mom did tell me that I’ve always had behavioural issues and “strange and odd” behaviour since I was a baby/child but again, autism was not the thing it is now so there was no reason to have me tested when I was really young. Same as in school. It was chalked up to “behavioural issues” or “bad parenting.” Females are more commonly misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all because doctors still hold the belief that only males can have ASD. Females are also better at masking their ASD traits than males. I have been masking the majority of my life. It’s how I’ve been able to keep the same job for 10 years. It’s how I managed to make the friends I did. I can appear NT even though I am not. Masking is also physically exhausting and I am trying harder to NOT mask.

Being part of an Aspergers group on Facebook and being a part of the autistic community on Tumblr has really helped me. It lets me know there are others JUST like me with the same things and that I am not alone.

“I have autism. It’s a part of who I am.”

[elfnerdherder]

The Unquiet Grave: Chapter 17

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Chapter 17:

           “They’re letting me out soon,” Abigail says once the nurse leaves them. She sits by the window and looks out of it rather than make eye contact. A Seer’s first and best defense was to ensure they couldn’t see.

           Will wonders if that’s more for his benefit, or hers.

           “Where are you going to go?” Hannibal asks.

           Will idly paces, examines the positive quotes taped to the mirror. Are they personal, or are they a ruse? He stares at them, feels something at the corners of the edges that suggest they’ve been passed over many times, fondly. He wonders if they were something she put on as a show to the counselors, only she accidentally started to see what help they could give and decided to keep them.

           “There are a few apartments for sublet. What little money is left after settling to the grieving families will likely carry me to it, then I need a job if I’m going to supplement what little I get monthly from the government for dad’s death.”

           Abigail speaks with a carelessness that belies how she draws her knees her to her chest and stares out of the window fixatedly. Will passes a finger over the edge of a hand-cut star whose optimism suggests, ‘Think Positive!’ and looks back to her.

           “Are they making you discuss that in therapy?” he can’t help but ask.

           She shoots him a sardonic glance, albeit it relaxes the way she holds onto herself so tightly. “Yes.”

           The room feels like the harried steps of someone that knows they don’t have a lot of time. How long until she was kindly but firmly removed from the hospital? How long until the government’s mercy ran out and she was forced to move onto a place where there was nothing waiting? Will traces the paces she made in the throes of her most emotional fears, and he pauses just at the foot of her bed where she’d finally slid into a crumpled lump on the floor and laid for some time. Compared to how subtle, how gentle the feelings are that he gleans from Hannibal’s home, it’s positively unpleasant. Will tastes the hint of teenage despair, and he bites down on it.

           “We won’t allow you to end up on the street, Abigail,” Hannibal assures her. “You’re more than welcome to stay with me until you have a place to stay.”

           “Dr Lecter, I couldn’t—”

           “You can,” Will reminds her kindly, although his voice is tight. It’s not Abigail’s despair anymore, it’s his, and he’s so very relieved to have gloves on as he sits just on the edge of the bed and surveys her, fingers curling into the edge. “Dr. Lecter is helping me, Abigail.”

           There’s a lot of weight to the words, and it’s not lost on her. He feels her stare, but he instead worries over the feeling of the inside of his gloves, grounding in the wake of her emotions. He’s going to let her puzzle over it and decide for herself what it meant; in truth she could choose just how much she let Dr. Lecter know. It’s the sort of consideration he’d want for himself. For them.

           She glances to Hannibal and folds her arms tight over her ribs to self-sooth. “And what’s your opinion of it?”

           Careful but not entirely subtle. Obviously testing what he’s willing to admit he knows.

           Hannibal’s smile is utterly polite. “I’d like for you to help him weaponize his gift, of course. If it’s not too much trouble for you after what’s happened.”

           Teenage girls are something to be marveled at. She doesn’t sit on his words for much longer than a second before she’s standing and facing Will with a resolute set to her jaw, be damned her fears and the mental breakdown she’d had just the night before.

           “Do you think you can handle it?” she asks—her voice is not so confidant as the way she stands.

           “Yes.”

           “Your barriers—”

           “Are stronger than before,” he reassures her. He stands and brushes his palms onto his jeans, as if to rub away what could have clung from the blanket. There was the quiet fear he’d grab her by accident as he had Hannibal, but she was going to See him anyway. Would she notice the Thyme he’d planted, should she tumble inside?

           She scrutinizes him, and he studies her shoelace. There’s a long, pained pause as she tries to find just what she’s looking for, then she sighs. “Like I said before, it’s not how it sounds. You turn their mind around, and that’s really how you weaponize your gift. Your make their own mind trick itself.” She fetches chairs for the two of them from the small arts and crafts table, and she fusses with them in the small patch of sun from the window, sitting them across from one another. “No offense, Agent Graham, but even with them being stronger, it won’t help. You’re going to have to trick them and hide your reality somewhere else.”

           Will glances to Hannibal whose face is wrinkled ever-so-slightly. Even with his knowledge, this isn’t something that a neurotypical—or even a trained FBI agent—would know much about. Weaponizing gifts. The words hold as much danger to them as they do promise.

           The best Dreamers know how to make dreams so real they hurt.

           “I’m ready,” he assures her. He swallows, resents how his throat is suddenly dry.

           She gives him the same searching, careful look, brow furrowed. He isn’t sure if it’s a test he’s sorely failing, or a sign she’s on the look for, but when they sit down in the small promise of sunlight, he keeps his gloves firmly on all the same because despite her willingness, there is a remnant of fear just at the curve of her mouth. No matter how willing, the three of them are taking a rather large risk, and it has absolutely nothing to do with what would happen should Agent Crawford kick the door in.

           Don’t want to turn her into Agent—Mr.—Jackson.

           “When you look into my eyes, how does it happen?” Abigail asks, interrupting that train of thought. “How do you see?”

           He knows what she means. “I see the eye, then I fall in. I always fall.”

           Abigail nods. “Most empaths do. We see the emotion before we see the situation that caused it, and that’s what drags us down. It’s something dad said they teach at the Academy.”

           “They do.”

           At his response, Hannibal sits up from his lax repose beside the window. It’s subtle, but it’s there –he wonders if there’s something to be said about an empath sharing just what it’s like at the Academy. While it’s not forbidden, not many people discuss just what goes on within the walls whose brick and mortar house enough power to see within the most corrupt of minds, unwind the minds of the most powerful of monsters. It’s a mandatory boarding school with little time allowed to visit family outside of the outer walls, and not for a moment does Will miss it.

           “They teach it because it’s easier for a neurotypical to see when empaths are using their gift that way. That’s how they control you. When you looked at me, Dr. Bloom could tell that you were looking for the truth. I watched her watch you do it.” She glosses over just what Will found inside of her mind. “You have to un-train yourself from falling in, or else they’ll know.”

           They know.

           “You walk in,” Will clarifies, just shy of sounding awed.

           “I walk in, I take what I want, and I walk out,” Abigail agrees. She’s entirely too proud of the admission, and it shows in the way she forces herself not to smile. “I didn’t have to unlearn anything, so was easier for me than it will be for you, I think.”

           Easier but not impossible. Just out of the corner of his eye, Will catches Hannibal leaning back into his chair and getting comfortable. Only a whisper of the academy, merely the barest part of a hint. “What’s the first step?”

           “The first step is to create a space where you keep your secrets.”

           His secrets being the entirety of the state of his mind. His violence. His cruelty. He laughs wryly and lets his gaze wander to her nose. The freckles betray her as a mid-western American beauty. “That easy?”

           “Yes,” she replies firmly. Hands clasp tight at the knees. “I do it all the time.”

           Her barriers. Her barriers? Will tilts his head, and without giving any warning he looks into her eyes and tries to image himself walking in, walking instead of falling because there isn’t any reason that he can’t use his two damn feet.

           And just like that, he’s walking into a wall, but walking none-the-less.

           Empaths that know themselves can consciously feel the presence of another empath just within the sacred spaces of their mind. It’s feather-soft when one knows what they’re doing—perhaps just as violently prevalent, as Red Dragon was as he tore through the minds of RA’s he was told to devour—and every empath has a signature print. If one has felt it once, they’ll always remember it, and Will is as much aware of Abigail seeing him as he is seeing her wall.

           The place where she keeps her secrets.

           “You don’t see anything because my emotions aren’t overwhelming you into a memory,” Abigail explains, and Will nods along. “People don’t usually keep as much hold on their memories like they do their conscious thought. That’s how they don’t know if you’re digging around for it unless you’re being mean about it.”

Minds aren’t blocked so well as this, at least none that Will has encountered before. Even resilient RA’s that made it consciously to the end were easy to break through, their barriers just as shifting as Will often felt his was. He wonders if she likes the thyme within his slowly strengthening walls. He wonders if she is afraid of the Monkshood.

           She’s not beside him, but he feels her near as he passes hands along brick that is impenetrable and sturdy. Made to last, like all the other ranch-style houses were in their prime. Solid brick, a dark, aged pink bordering on brown, and there’s something familiar about it as he presses hands and can’t pass through it.

           Abigail is testing as much as Will is. He feels her Seeing him. “Can you Dream a wall around this place? A wall past…past the sand.” Will’s spit curdles at how she hesitates in saying it.

           “Is it as easy as a dream?”

“If you Dream it well enough, you can make a place they can get lost in so they can’t find the cracks inside of it. Like this.”

           And just like that, Will blinks and he finds himself within a room as ordinary as you please, only he recognizes this room because it’s one he walked through once as he was on his way to find Garrett Jacob Hobbs. He turns around slowly, and Abigail is beside him. Her face gives nothing away. The aged brick is now as memorable as the fireplace that lays empty just to the side.

           He’d passed by that fireplace to go and press his hands to her dead mother’s neck.

           “This is what I imagine the Seer that sometimes visits group therapy sees when she manages to catch my eye. My secrets are always behind my wall, and this is the perpetual waiting room.” Will senses her smile, feels it in the wallpaper. He blinks again, and she stands behind him with her arms folded tight around her, as much a self-soothing stance as it is a defensive stance.

           He can’t reciprocate her humor, though. Will supposes it’s the way the room makes him think of killing things; the last time he saw this place, it’d been painted in death, the very air seeping it. He feels it in the carpet just beneath his shoes, and it reeks off of the 1980’s wall hangings her mother never updated. He inhales Garrett Jacob Hobbs, then drowns in it.

Without a second thought he Dreams away his gloves, and he takes Abigail’s hand tightly, surprising both of them as he finds himself quite suddenly yanked behind her walls where her secrets come tumbling out around him in a torrential downpour.

           Don’t know how this is going to—

           Never thought my father would—

           How’d he save me? How’d he manage to save someone like—

           --don’t think he’s ever going to—

           WHAT IS HE DOING WHAT IS HE—

           Will looks around the wide, open space, and he inhales the crisp morning air that leaves his throat cold and prickling. It’s Fall, and his boots make leaves snap and break as he spins around, taking everything in. He’s not in that hell-house anymore.

           He’s not trapped outside of her barriers.

           “Don’t keep secrets from me, Abigail,” he says, turning around slowly.  His eyes are fixed to the forest. “You’re the reason I’m in the mess.”

           It humbles her, to be reminded that despite his troubles he did know how to use his gifts. He wonders if Garrett Jacob Hobbs had to struggle with her pride, or if he was so proud of her he didn’t mind it. There was something to be said how he cherished her above anything else in the world, that he’d destroy himself over it. A father’s love, only it’d been poisoned.

           “Do you think like that because this place reminds you of the cabin?” she asks, softly. Although she can’t see the thoughts directly, she feels it, a shift in the way their minds connect. While she is more present with what he is doing in her mind, Will is more than aware that Abigail is now sitting on one of the benches in the garden, very still and very somber.

           “That’s because it is the forest where the cabin is,” Will replies, turning about. The sun arcs overhead and casts dappled light from golden, aging leaves. The air is tangy with apples beginning to get too ripe in the late August sun. There’s the rot of the leaves underneath their feet.

           “I’ll never see this place as it is again,” she explains, but that isn’t quite it, is it? He chases the tail end of a lie, and he finds it beneath the edge of the woods where an apple tree bears rotting fruit.

           “Your favorite memories are hunting here,” he says. Just at his feet, the poor remnants of a long-molded and withered core persisted to survive. “You shouldn’t feel guilty about that.”

           “If you do it that obviously, they’ll know you’re hiding something,” she snaps, and without warning the walls are in place and they’re standing at his door, his shabby, shabby door. She’s shaken, and although he’s reluctant to open the door for her, he feels the need to even the playing field a bit.

           “Use what you find against them,” she says, and she tracks his hand as he unlocks the door and opens it. “If you have your walls up, if you let them think they found you, then their emotions don’t overwhelm you and you can walk right in. They won’t have a guard up.” A pause. “You know they won’t have a guard up.”

           He hesitates only a moment before opening the door. He has to think on his feet what sort of place the FBI would believe he kept his secrets, the place where he stored his realities. He wonders if there’s something to Abigail purposefully making her waiting room the front room, the place where everything went so wrong. Did the empath that read her say she longed for community? Did they think she was homesick for what she’d never find?

           Will opens the door for her, and he follows her inside.

           He gives her time to look around. He walks along smooth rocks and grainy sand and makes his way to the riverbed. Sunlight glitters and winks on the water, and fish leap about. He remembers birds, and they sing in trees, a simple thing to Dream.

           A wizened weeping willow drips and dips over the running water, and Abigail sits down beneath it, reaching up to the boughs. “Where’s this?” she asks. It’s difficult to say whether or not she’s impressed with how quickly he made it.

           “A river my father used to fish at.”

           “You remember it clearly.”

           “I don’t remember much from back then, but this place I do.”

           He watches the water and imagines walls around his walls, a box around his secrets. Tucked away, hidden, and there’s a fishing pole in his hand. Tucked away, hidden, he thinks this is just the sort of space an FBI empath would tell Jack Crawford about. The king of thing that might make Jack Crawford ease just, even for just a little bit.

           But that’s what Dolarhyde had wanted, wasn’t it? Just to let him rest?

           He senses rather that sees Abigail attempting to find secrets in the leaves. Fingers grasp, then puzzle over the texture. “What are you looking for?” he asks.

           There’s a long pause. “You felt that?”

           “I’m a Feeler.”

           They both laugh, and it surprises Will into laughing more. He holds the fishing pole in his hand, and it occurs to him that it’s not entirely a good sign he so quickly adapted to turning his mind so quickly, adapting to using his power so well. It’s too easy to bend things, to easy to become now that he and Abigail share the same space, and aren’t they the same?

           Abigail caught the turn of his thought; she saw everything, it seemed. “You catch on fast,” she agrees.

           “I’m an RA in the making.”

           That sobers her enough that she manages to look away, and without warning Will finds himself within his own skin in the rea world once more, chilled and suppressing a shiver that starts from the tip of his head and fizzes out by the time it hits his feet. He’s blocked out, the wall enough that he risks glancing just to the corner of her eye to try and See.

           His gloves are still on, but his fingertips tingle like he’s pressed his hands to something naughty. Abigail regards him warily, cornered. She once loved hunting with her dad. She loved hunting, and it wasn’t lost on her that she was both the hunter and the prey.

           “I’m sorry,” he says immediately. “I wasn’t thinking.”

           “You were, but not about that,” she replies after a time. She wears a scarf on her neck, and it occurs to him he hadn’t noticed until that moment. It’s stark against the otherwise muted and therapeutically calming room. “You don’t need my help. You’ve done something bad, Agent Graham.”

           Hannibal sits stiffly, and Will can’t be certain if he’s only just done it, or if he’s been that way the entire time they were gallivanting about in their mind.

           “It was an accident,” he says, and he takes just as long a time as she did before he replies. His throat is dry, and he wishes for something to drink. Maybe he’d call Beverly after this. “I…I didn’t know it’d leave an imprint like that.”

           “He left his imprint, and you channeled it like it was nothing.” She shakes her head, and it’s then that he can finally sense the fear from her, small but very pungent. “That’s what it’s like to be an E-3?”

           He supposes so, and the thought stays with him, even after leaving. He stares into his eyes in Hannibal’s guest bathroom that night, and he wonders if he can see something of Dolarhyde in the pupil, or if everything he saw was still some semblance of himself. He Dreams himself into an FBI office where the standard test would be conducted, and he sits for a time on the tub, seeing it as at the edge of his chair.

           He wonders if that is also what it is to be an E-3, or if any empath can spread their mind past the matter of their brain to see it in the room around them. When he hears Hannibal just down the hall, he quickly stands up and finishes up in the bathroom.

-

           Jack wakes Will with a phone call at exactly 7:42 a.m.

           “It’s the empath that’s not an RA,” Jack says by way of greeting. “We’ll swing by and get you on the way.”

           Will has only the barest amount of time to get Hannibal and make their way to his house where the dogs are waiting to be let out. Hannibal is standing in the field of snow when Jack pulls up, and Will steadies himself using one of the beams holding up the porch. The energy that wafts out of the SUV when the doors open makes his hackles rise. Behind him, there is the sense that people have roamed his home, searching. He’d crushed two more bugs before he heard the car up the drive.

           “I’ll brief you on the way,” Jack calls out.

           Will takes his time buttoning his coat. His walls that morning rose high, high enough breakfast had seemed a Dream to him. Hannibal had been particularly pleased with his breakfast, a hearty liver and kidney pie, the gravy a light berry that’d been glazed just as generously over Will’s pie that lacked the meat that reeked of a butcher’s knife.

           Will, in truth, doesn’t resent the fact that he can’t stomach much of meat.

           Hannibal sits beside him in the car. His leg is just beside Will’s, and they touch ever-so-often at the lurches in the road, the potholes that cursed Wolf Trap every winter.

           “It’s ugly,” Jack says, handing his phone over.

           Will is torn between looking or not; his need to see overcomes, ultimately. He glances down and stares at the poorly lit but decently clear image. “Who sent it?”

           “Price got there first, I came to get you.”

           “It’s ugly,” Will agrees.

           “Where your head?”

           “Intact,” he replies, pointedly.

           “Speak for yourself,” Jack grunts and waves a hand.

           Will scrolls to the right at Jack’s motion, and he acknowledges the next photo. His walls are high. He swore he Dreamed another row of Thyme.

           “Three bodies, two identified as Irene Dawson and Samantha Meyers; one yet to be determined.” Another photo slides into view, and Will acknowledges it with a soft hum under his breath.

           Hannibal leans over just slightly to see the photo. “A John Doe?”

           “No identification, fingerprints haven’t pulled anything yet. We’ve kept it as contained as possible, but it was a couple of joggers that found it and photos are already out.”

           Photos are out. Will would have to do his work in front of an audience.

           The joggers found the bodies in the park’s central gazebo, and as Will walks along the park path, he finds himself stopping just at the crest of the hill where the sunshine streaks in a dart of gold along the last clinging splash of red on a stubborn tree’s branches. It’s a bright, sunny morning with brilliantly blue skies, and between the dappled light of the branches the clouds are streaks of white, reaching. Will is breath-taken for just a moment, enough that Hannibal stops beside him, enough that Jack has to look back when he realizes no one’s there to listen anymore.

           “How are you feeling?” Hannibal asks, quiet enough Jack can’t hear as he waits for them to catch up. Will hadn’t spoken much on their way to Wolf Trap. He’d let his silence sit just long enough to likely sour.

           “They chose this location intentionally,” Will says, and he looks at the spreading stain of a beautiful winter morning and how it cuts across the crime scene just ahead. “Just like before.”

           “Jack said that Beverly was here.”

           “If she wants to see an honest reaction, I already told her how,” Will retorts.

           Hannibal smiles and follows just beside him. Jack glances back to them periodically, and his curiosity at their behavior is as palpable as the disgust that roils across the skin of everyone else around them.

           The gazebo has marble steps that have been long swept clean from the snow. Will reaches the top, and for along moment he stares at the scene, stares because despite the gristly pictures that’d prepared him somewhat, it in no way prepared him for the way it looked in real life, when one was forced to stare reality in the eye.

           “Where’s his brain?” Will asks, hollow.

           “Where’s any of his organs,” Price corrects, circling the area with great care. He takes a photo and examines, squinting against the sunrise. The flash leaves bright lights dancing across Will’s vision.

           “He’s empty,” Hannibal clarifies, quiet.

           Will stares at the man before them, reaching for the rising sun, eyes glazed in death icy enough they haven’t yet begun to discolor. The bodies are stiff, though, the women’s skin draped in robes with their hair flowing about the face, fixed with hair pieces on their heads.

           Whispering, they are, in the ears of the man between them. Will ignores them and steps forward, his gloves removed with little more than a brief hesitation before they’re pocketed and forgotten. He wants there to be some hesitation, but in truth could there be? The rising sun beckons him. The marble stones, the scene. He thinks of the house of mirrors, the empty man, the way he heard the man so clearly yet could not see at all…

           He inhales, and he lowers his walls, walls that rise high and hide behind the perfect fishing spot. Still crumbling, but from within the walls he was fine. Maybe, one day he’d take Abigail to it in real life, if he could remember where it was he once fished with his father. He’d teach her to catch and release. You didn’t always have to kill the poor bastard in the end.

           He takes a breath before he puts his hands on the shoulders, just a hair away from touching the hands of the reaching women. The John Doe’s head is open. It’s empty of anything that ever made it someone inside.

           Can you see?

           He’s sitting in a museum. Will inhales, and he tastes the warmth of familiarity, a place he’s surely been before. A place much loved, a page turned over and over again, only to be returned to just when one needs it the most.

           Just before them, Callumny of Apelles in its glory is fixed to the wall. He’s aware of someone beside him, yet all he can do is stare at it, something he’s surely seen a thousand times before because why else would he feel the need to look upon it for so long? The way the red lays along darts of gold, of hands reaching and pushing, forcing? And Slander dragging the innocent, robes of blue and white whose torch beckons torment from the all-powerful King? The King whose ears hold Ignorance and Suspicion?

           Yes, surely he’s seen this a thousand times before. Surely he knows which place he’d like to be.

           Surely, the empath whispers, surely, Agent Graham, you know what happens in the end when the powerless are brought before the King.

           They are devoured.