#and why did they change the lyrics lol they were great in the book i can’t believe they completely rewrote them

[mangoslixes]

The Secret History Review

for @readerbookclub

I really loved the book <3 I'm so glad glad it was picked for this month, since it gave me an excuse to finally pick it up. I'd been seeing it around everywhere and I really wanted to read it.

It's such a cleverly written satirical novel about the dangers of romanticising liberal arts, it's just 🤌🏼

How did your opinion of the book change as the story progressed?

I had a theory when I started the book. I thought it would involve a weird cultish ritual where the secret club planned to sacrifice Richard Papen to Bacchus for eternal life or something along those lines, but they end up killing Bunny instead for some coercive reason. A very wild, chaotic theory, but it did get proven wrong, of course.

The book was miles better than what I had imagined it to be. I really liked the way it flowed, especially over to the second part. It got darker, every character's facade, including our narrator's started to crack and we saw them without their pristine, well put together aesthetic. Everyone in this book is so twisted and unlikeable, but I think that's the thing that got me interested more and more as the story progressed. It was clear they were all going to be miserable in their own ways by the end of this, just as they deserved. I wish Richard suffered more though, and Charles, both of those characters thrived comparatively better compared to Henry, Camilla and Francis, despite being the worse than the lot (debatable).

So even though I was horrified reading through it all, I loved the book. It's clever, it's dark, I never want to pick it up again, but it's still a great book.

Would you recommend this book to a friend? Why or why not?

I would, but only to the friends who like satire. I don't think this book is for everyone, either because it's just not something they would read, or just because they won't get the satire and end up idolising or hating it, with no middle ground.

Did this book remind you of something? Another book? A film or TV show? A song? What was it and in what ways are they similar?

Oh it reminded me of this song lol

The lyrics seem to fit our little club of dark academia and bacchanal obsessed kids pretty well tbh.

What message was the book trying to convey? Do you agree with it?

Oh it was definitely about why it's really not the best decision to romanticise liberal arts, but in a more extreme sense.

We see Richard Papen, in love with the idea of studying Greek and classics, because he's already in awe with the way the five students look. He starts us off with a line stating that his fatal flaw is a longing of the picturesque at all costs, so it doesn't come as a surprise. He's not so different from your average social media dark academia enthusiast, detached from the grasps of reality of academia and what actually lies in the discipline, entranced only by the aesthetics of it, which Julian actively feeds into.

For example, the Bacchanal. Julian paints an aesthetic about beauty and terror and chaos in a way that it influences a bunch of rich kids to experience it themselves. They are so obsessed with the aesthetic of it, that they don't even seem to come to terms with the level of horror that their little drug trip has caused. "We saw him, we saw Dionysus." Yeah, okay, maybe in your feral state, you did see Dionysus, but you also ripped apart an innocent man, let's talk about that first.

The book hints on it several times too. A little off the line of idea I'm going with, but what comes to my mind is where Charles, after being questioned about Bunny's murder, says how he never really realised that they all rely on appearances so much, that it's not that they're really that smart, it's just that they don't look like they did it. And that's true isn't it? None of them are really that smart or sly, they just look the sort of people who wouldn't be involved in something so heinous. Appearances over reality.

Speaking of reality, it starts to dawn on Richard too, during the last chapter, when the "aesthetic" of it all starts to fall apart in front of his eyes. He realizes how little options he has compared to the others, the lack of safety net that they have. How he has merely adopted ideas throughout his time in university and has nothing to show for the three years he has spent there. He's been so trapped in the idea of things, so seduced by the possibilities in his head that he's taken aback when the prettiness is all stripped away.

And I do agree with the message the book is trying to convey. Academia isn't fun, it isn't really a pretty aesthetic you can adopt. It is rarely ever pretty, no matter how much you romanticise it in your head.

Did reading this book change what you think of “Dark Academia”?

Yes. The book did make me dislike the aesthetic in general. At first, I was neutral with the moodboards and everything else around social media, but after this book, it's kind of made me not like it anymore? Just me though, I love it for the people who want to make moodboards or indulge in it all for the fun of it.

But I also found it really funny how people tag this book as a necessity to have the dark academia aesthetic, when it's about the dangers of indulging in one to an excess.

This book was part of our “morally grey” reading list. Do you think it belonged there?

I'm so sorry, but I didn't think so.

I don't think anyone in this book falls in the morally grey area. I didn't sympathize with their problems or their reasons for what they did, and that's generally what a morally grey character is meant to do. Richard would have belonged in that area if he had a less stoned brain cell that made decisions for him though.

The Secret History is a famous book. Had you heard of it before? If so, was it what you expected?

I had seen it around almost everywhere, especially the quotes under dark academia aesthetic things. It wasn't what I was expecting at all. For one, it turned out to be satire, very clearly so from the first chapter itself, and two, I thought it would be a glorification of dark academia, which again, it wasn't. Both things I haven't seen around in tumblr posts, so it was a surprise. And I've also seen people love Richard Papen?? A big surprise considering how much I disliked his character and I couldn't even see the appeal.

But overall, mostly pleasantly surprised by the book.

How did you find Richard as a narrator? How do you think having Richard as a narrator affected the story?

Richard was an unreliable narrator. Having him as the narrator was also important though, because initially, we can see his thoughts and views differing from Julian and the others. We see that clearly, and it's important because Julian and the others haven't struggled to come here as he has, they don't have the background he does. They're posh, snobby and privileged, and it shows in contrast to Richard. His views warp, obviously, but it's mostly him trying to fit into this little elitist group and it's cleverly written out.

Our view about Richard is almost neutral, sometimes sympathy and secondhand embarrassment. Compared to the others, he is more human, until he's not. He mentions some odd things in passing, very casually, and we don't really pay attention to them. His views about certain characters, his attention to certain features about people in a masculine and feminine sense, his theories on certain relationships, his ideals about Julian, the chick he choked to death, that one Camilla paragraph near the end. They all add to his character.

Richard is a perfect narrator for a book like this, he does a great job to really nail in the satirical, clever writing of Donna Tartt. Is he likeable? No. Is he a perfect unreliable narrator? Yes.

[softholand]

in a heartbeat - h.o

pairing: harrison osterfield x reader

summary: dancing in the kitchen, a kiss, and a whole lot of feelings

warnings: angst, fluff

words: 2.5k

a/n: yay, my first harrison one shot!! if you feel like you’ve seen this before, you probably did lol i posted this yesterday but t*mblr decided to glitch, eat the two firsts paragraphs and don’t let me fix it, which was great :)) but it’s here now and it would mean the world to me if you guys read it and let me know your thoughts <333 ily all, enjoy!! xx

This was not how you expected your last month to go. Sharing a house with one of your best friends and another three, almost unknown, boys. It’s true that you also didn’t expect to find your boyfriend, now ex, in bed with another girl, and not just any other girl, it had to be your roommate. You were left with no choice, and no house, that’s how you found yourself at Harrison’s door all those days back. He welcomed you with open arms, before asking if you wanted him to punch your ex in the face, which you denied, even though he totally deserved it.

Yes, living with four boys was chaotic, but you couldn’t deny you liked being the “mom” of the house. You helped them with things that, before you, they had absolutely no idea how to do. Like operating the washing machine and how to properly clean a bathroom. It was fun and at the end of the day, you were grateful you had Harrison to accommodate you while you figured things out.

Yes, living with four boys was chaotic, but you couldn’t deny you liked being the “mom” of the house. You helped them with things that, before you, they had absolutely no idea how to do. Like operating the washing machine and how to properly clean a bathroom. It was fun and at the end of the day, you were grateful you had Harrison to accommodate you while you figured things out.

You had met Harrison through work and immediately hit it off. He was the sweetest and funniest guy ever and in just a couple of weeks, you two were practically glued to the hip. Okay, maybe you had a crush on him at the beginning but after not being very successful with subtlety letting him know, you gave up, and then you met your boyfriend and the feeling simply went away.

But now, sharing a house and spending most of your time with him, you had your doubts about said feelings. Like right now, where you two were currently doing the dishes, after a delicious dinner you and the boys had cooked. Harrison had his favorite playlist playing on the speakers, and while you washed the dishes, he dried them, sneaking some dance moves between each utensil you gave him.

Every Breath You Take by The Police suddenly came in and it was like your friend’s whole personality suddenly changed. He sang and danced to the lyrics while putting the already dry stuff away in the cabinets. His energy level was so high you couldn’t resist, joining him on his little performance.

You sang the lyrics at the top of your lungs, playfully turning your eyes to Harrison every time the song said “I’ll be watching you”, which made him laugh. At one point, he wrapped his arms around your waist, spinning you and your wet and foamy hands around. “You idiot, look at what you’ve done!” You smirked, splashing some of the soapy water at him. “No, you didn’t!” Harrison exclaimed, before also putting his hands on the sink, joining your little game.

Minutes later, both you and the kitchen were dripping wet, covered in foam, still laughing and playing around. Harrison kept splashing water around, while you tried to get away from him, without falling on your butt given the damp floors. Your laughter was loud and it didn’t stop until the song Iris by Go-Go Dolls started to play on the speakers. You immediately tensed, abruptly stopping your movements, which of course, caught Harrison’s attention.

“You okay?” He promptly asked, clearly concerned by your sudden change of behavior. “Yeah, no… it’s just, this was mine and Brad’s song.” You said, feeling stupid for even saying your ex-boyfriend’s name. “Oh, do you want me to change it?” He questioned, to which you shake your head. “No, it’s okay! I won’t let him ruin one of my favorite songs.” You sighed, propping yourself up on the kitchen counter.

In seconds, he was by your side, bravery putting one of his arms around your back, making you smile, leaning your head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry!” He mumbled, to which you scoffed. “It’s okay, Haz! It’s not your fault he’s a dick.” You said, managing to laugh, which was enough for Harrison to smile. “It just makes me sad seeing you like this.” The blonde breathed, squeezing your side. “Don’t worry, Haz! You’re already doing more than enough for me.” You smiled, facing him.

Only then you realized how close the two of you really were, mere centimeters between each of your faces. You took your time to admire, even more, his eyes. You never understood why people called it ocean eyes but after meeting Harrison, you did because there was not a word to describe the intensity his blue eyes carried.

Subconsciously, or not, he leaned in, meeting your lips in a sweet kiss. It was like the world stopped and everything you could think about was Harrison. He was in every one of your thoughts, invading your mind the way his lips invaded your mouth. Your hands were on his hair, while he kept pushing your body closer and closer to his until you were almost on top of him.

“Hey, Haz! Have you seen my…? Oh, sorry!” The sudden voice made you both jump, completely startled, looking in the direction of it. Harry was standing a few feet away, with an apologetic expression. You quickly got out of the kitchen counter and tried to avoid both of the boy's eyes. “I’ll just… go!” That was the only thing you said before taking off to your room.

“Man, I’m so sorry! I didn’t know…” Harry tried to apologize but Harrison just shrugged him off, assuring him it was fine. It wasn’t though. “What happened?” The ginger-haired boy asked, taking a couple of steps closer. “I don’t know, we were just listening to music and doing the dishes, we started dancing and playing around with the water and… fuck, I don’t know. She said the song was hers and her ex-boyfriend’s and I tried to console her and we both kinda went for it.” Harrison tried his best to explain, while nervously passing his fingers through his blonde locks.

“I mean, this is good, right?” Harry asked, knowing his friend's growing feelings for you, but Haz shrugged, shaking his head. “I don’t know, Harry! I don’t think she was ready for it. Fuck, I’m an idiot!” Haz groaned. “Hey, stop that! Just let her, give her some time, and then you can talk and solve this whole thing up.” Harry said, trying his best to calm his friend. “Yeah, you’re right! I’ll talk to her tomorrow!” The blonde sighed, going back to his kitchen chores.

A day turned into two, then three, and suddenly a week had already passed and you and Harrison hadn’t had that conversation. You spend most of your days in your room, getting out to cook, eat and help your roommates with house chores, not once directing words differently than “Good morning!” or “Goodnight!” to them.

To Harrison, you didn’t really seem to mind but he was honestly losing it. His friends could tell he was miserable for the last week, so they finally sat him down and talked, encouraging him to talk to you. Harrison was apprehensive in the beginning but after a little bit of convincing, he decided the boys were right, he had to talk to you. So when he saw you in the backyard, with a book in your hands, he knew it was his perfect chance to do that.

Carefully to not startle you, he opened the sliding glass doors and joined you on the patio. “Hey!” He breathed, getting your attention. “Oh, hi!” You said, immediately closing your book, having an idea of what was about to happen. “I’m sorry, y/n! I was an idiot and shouldn’t have kissed you without asking you first.” He blurted, making you sigh. “Haz, it’s okay! You don’t have to apologize!” You assured him. “I think I have!” The blonde whimpered. “You don’t! I told you, it’s okay! It just took me by surprise!” You said, taking his clammy hands on yours.

“Does that means….” Harrison trailed off, getting his hopes up, only for it to come crashing down at your next words. “I don’t really know what it means, Haz! I’m sorry, it’s still too soon, my feelings are a little confused right now to say at least.” The sound of his heart breaking was so loud, he was almost sure you could hear it too. “Oh, o-okay…” He smiled sadly, making your own break this time. “I’m really sorry, Haz!” You tried apologizing, but he was quick to stop you. “No, it’s fine! You don’t have to apologize, y/n!” He sniffed, and you could see a single tear fighting to come out of the corner of his eye.

You kept holding his hands, feeling completely broken for what you just did, but you were indeed extremely confused. Your feelings were everywhere at the moment and you felt like you really needed some time to think. “Listen, I’m going to stay with Elsa for a little bit.” You started, making Harrison widen his eyes. “What? Why?” He inquired, feeling guilty already. “I just… I need some time, Haz! And don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful you offered me a room and let me stay when I needed to, but I think I have to stay away to understand what’s going on here.” You said, motioning to your head.

And true to your words, you left the very next day. Harrison hugged you goodbye and wished you luck, even smiled while watching you get into the cab, but as soon as he closed the door, he collapsed in front of his friends. “I’m an idiot! I shouldn’t have kissed her! Now she’s gone and it’s my fault!” He cried while Tom rubbed his back, trying to comfort him. “She just needs some time, Haz! You guys would be alright!” The brunette assured him once again, but Harrison wasn’t having any of it. “No, it’s all my fault! I screwed up and ruined our friendship! Now she’s gone!” He cried, getting up from the sofa, slamming his bedroom door.

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into a month without you living with the boys. Harrison was terrible the first days, he felt empty and like it was his fault you weren’t there anymore. But, as everyone says, time heals everything, now, a whole month after, he was feeling better. He realized, on the time you were gone, that he could live without you, of course, he could, that’s exactly what he’s been doing for the last month. The thing is, he didn’t want to, he wanted you by his side, even if you decided to be just friends, that was fine, he just really missed his best friend and so, he decided to go to Elsa’s place, where you were currently staying and tell you just that.

When he got that, his hands were sweating and he could feel his body shake with nerves, having to take deep breaths to calm himself down. “It’s just y/n, Harrison! It’s just y/n!” He tried to remember but that was exactly the reason why he was like that. It was you, his best friend, the most beautiful person he’s ever met, the only girl who could make him laugh, and the only one who’s seen him ugly cry. It was you and your dreamy eyes and hypnotizing laugh. The girl that could make his heart do somersaults on his chest and the one he wanted by his side for the rest of his life.

Before he could even ring the bell, the door swung open, revealing you on the other side, carrying a trash bag. “Haz?” You inquired, surprised. “Hi!” He answered, feeling his throat suddenly dry. “What are you doing here?” You asked, confused with his presence. “I was— I was hoping we could talk?” The blonde murmured, swallowing his nerves. “Oh, yeah! Come in!” You smiled, getting out of the way. “You were living? I can come back if you’re busy.” Harrison asked but you just shrugged him off. “No, I was just gonna take the trash out but that can wait!” You chuckled, disposing of the plastic bag, before offering him a seat.

“So, how are you?” You smiled, making Harrison even more nervous. “I’m good! Thanks! The boys miss you though, I miss you!” Haz admits, making you blush. “I miss you guys too, trust me, living with Elsa is not half as fun as living with all of you.” You laughed and just then Harrison realized how much he missed hearing this sound.

“I know you asked for time and if you need more, I understand, I just— I had to talk to you.” The blonde started, ready to let his feelings out. “It’s funny, you said you needed time to think and when you were away, it gave me time to think too. I didn’t know I needed it but turns out, I did.” He laughed. “I— I like you, y/n! Like… a lot! And I don’t know but the last few days made me think about how much I want you in my life. It doesn’t matter if it’s as a friend or something more, I just want my best friend back.” Harrison breathed, looking into your eyes for answers.

After clearing your throat, you answered, “I want you in my life too, Haz! You’re my best friend and I missed you like crazy.” Harrison smiled. “And I mean, Elsa’s girlfriend is moving in next week so, I kinda need a place to stay.” You told him, watching his eyes widen. “This means you are coming back?” He questioned, to which you nodded. “If you and the rest of boys are okay with that.”

You squealed, feeling Harrison’s arms around you. “Yes! Of Course, we’re okay with that!” He beamed, before realizing what he did. “I’m sorry!” He quickly apologized, trying to move away, but you stopped him. “There’s one more thing though.” You said, sealing your lips to his. You were dying to do it since the last time he kissed you and now, with him in your arms, you could finally feel his lips again.

“Turns out, I really like you too! And this time away only made me realize that. I want you in my life, Haz! But as you said before, a little bit more than friends this time.” You smiled, feeling insecure until Harrison’s stunned face made you smile. “Are you sure? I don’t want you to rush things just...” You cut him off with another kiss and this time, he smiled into it, pulling your body closer to his. “I mean it, Haz! I wanna be with you!” You reaffirmed, smiling into another kiss.

Just as Harrison pulled you into his lap and went for another kiss, you both heard the song Iris by Go-Go Dolls playing. You gasped, looking at Harrison. “Did you plan this?” You asked, completely shocked, but Harrison shook his head. “I have no idea where this is coming from.” He laughed, squeezing your sides.”Well, it seems like it’s destiny then!” You smirked, kissing him again.

You knew one of Elsa’s neighbors was loud and always listening to music but at that moment, you decided to believe in your theory, after all, the song that broke you apart now had also brought you two back together.

✧･ﾟ tagging some of my mutuals ✧･ﾟ@soft-haz @bi-writes @duskholland @sinisterspidey @uglypastels @screamholland @sunsetholland @hollandharrison @wazzupmrstark @missnxthingg @farfromparker @londonspidey @mrs-hollandstan @osterfield-holland-andcompany @peeterparkr @rosyparkers @veryholland @hollandbroz-n-haz @hotforharrison @storybookholland

[caramelmp3]

‘I’ll take you round the pole, it’s cold up there’ – on coldness, isolation and cliché of running away hidden in sounds of Blur’s self-titled album.

*This is a completely self-indulgent, almost diary entry like essay (?) that I wrote recently. I felt like expressing what Blur's self-titled album means to me and why its imagery is so absorbing. I thought I'd share this here, because what else I could do with it lol. So yeah, there it is.

For a long time, maybe even since I remember, I have been obsessed with the idea of running away. There is something incredibly compelling about this – well – overused scenario: a movie or a book character runs away, most often from their hometown, because a certain disaster occurred in their life. Or there is no big reason at all; they simply just can’t breathe, can’t stay in the same place. Obviously, in nine cases out of ten, they are running away from themselves, not from the place itself, and they realise it very soon, probably too quickly for their liking. Despite the fatality of said escape (the great escape, to insert a blur-related joke here), it still seems enticing. My favourite cliché. And one of my favourite tropes.

And maybe albums per se do not have tropes, stories do. But Blur’s discography for me is a story. And the self-titled album is at its core the effect of an escape.

In 1996 Blur found themselves exhausted, unable to communicate properly with each other and disappointed by their own success. Their previous album, The Great Escape, seemed to be nothing more than just a washed out aftermath of their success with Parklife. Guitarist Graham Coxon hated the music Blur were playing; later even Damon admitted that he wasn’t fond of the album. Blur weren’t England’s heroes anymore, they turned into a joke. They certainly felt like one (and, indeed, later Damon would sing: “England, my love, you made me look like a fool”). So what did Blur on the verge of a breakdown do? They tried to turn away, to escape: from the so-called britpop scene and sound which became something dull and empty; from their own disagreements. They wanted to stop the on-going disaster that could actually end the band. And so the idea of going to Iceland appeared. It was Damon, in particular, who expressed a wish to record someplace else, apparently overwhelmed by London. So Blur changed their sound for more alternative/rock influenced one (no more brass section, enough was enough) and changed their surroundings. A change, a shift. An escape. And so, somewhere between England and Iceland, Blur’s self-titled album happened and was released in 1997.

Three motifs are most vivid for me: the feeling of suffocation triggered by the overwhelming city, escapism and isolation, the last one being caused by disintegrating relationships and overall disappointment.

So, the city: humid and overwhelming, is described in songs like Death of a Party, I’m Just a Killer for Your Love and Dancehall. The guitar is heavy and brings to life situations described in the lyrics. There's fatality, hedonism, parties but all of it always seems to come with certain resignation and disappointment. The protagonist seems tired, disintegrated, not fully present.

Then, there’s a wish to leave which is expressed in two b-sides: Get out of Cities and Swallows in the Heatwave. And the wish came true: the escape obviously happened. Escapism and loneliness are explicitly expressed in Country Sad Ballad Man, which gives an idea of a person alone in a hotel room, with nothing to do and no one to talk to. The disaster already happened ('I had my chances, they had me. Now I stay up all night, watch TV. I'm country sad, I'm a ballad man'). But the disappointment and loneliness are most visible in Strange News from Another Star (also in b-sides: Polished Stone, Woodpigeon Song, All Your Life). Those songs are probably the most vulnerable moments on the album.

Those vulnerable moments are the ones which for me symbolize an escape. They are opposite to the ones that depict the city - they seem more open, no heavy guitar playing. They represent a different state of mind: self-reflection and being more in touch with one's feelings. The protagonist seems present. Everything's clear. So it suggests a change of place - for Damon, naturally, it was Iceland. Here’s where the coldness, which I mentioned in the title, appears. It's more subtle, less apparent. Obviously it’s in the band’s story, first and foremost. It’s in Iceland and its black beaches; it’s in detached and strained relationships. And when one’s familiar with the backstory, the coldness creeps subtly while listening to the album.

So, self-titled does an incredible job depicting both: the place of the escape with the cold, Iceland related imagery and the place from where the protagonist (in this case, Damon, the whole band) escapes from: hot, humid city which was both the witness of the disaster and the cause of it. Essex Dogs, one of the best songs in Blur’s discography, is the perfect example: its gritty guitar brings me certain feeling of coldness, but the song also manages to perfectly depict dirty, humid city and pubs where the atmosphere is claustrophobic. A town where its air sticks to the skin. Clammy hands holding a bottle of beer like one’s life depends on it. And then Damon says I’ll take you round the pole, it’s cold up there – an invitation to escape because it’s getting too much. It's a statement of a change of place. The great escape which I talked about in the beginning. Humid city and claustrophobic pubs versus cold, open spaces.

There’s a personal affinity that I feel when I think about this album, of course. When my personal life went wrong and I started therapy, I had incredibly vivid dreams – they were abstract in a way, but all had a certain theme – everything was in shades of blue, grey and black, there was snow and constant feeling of coldness. Sometimes there was icy water, also incredibly blue. Sometimes I was stuck in a blizzard, unable to escape. Sometimes there were trees, grey and without leaves. And sometimes there was an empty field, with mountains in the distance, covered in snow. And very often I found myself on an empty beach and – as always – the water was freezing and everything was grey and blue. And about reality, well, I had my great escape too, in my own way. I left many things behind at once. And there I was, isolated, truly for the first time. All I had was my self-indulgence, a wishful thinking to get better and endless walks (the forest in February and early March is a completely bizarre habitat which I’ve grown to love dearly). And that’s how I spent winter and early spring. The feeling of coldness couldn’t leave me. I became fond of it.

Funny enough, it was also a time when I started getting into Blur – both their music and their history. So – no surprise here – when I got to the story behind their self-titled album, Damon’s musings about Iceland and his dreams of black beaches, as I listened to the album more and more, it hit me – this was exactly what I needed from art, from music at that point. The isolation, the disappointment, the overall imagery presented by the band spoke to me. I experienced an amazing feeling, and a completely universal one – when one finds particular piece of art, whether it’s a visual one, a written word or music, there’s a sense of contentment and comfort caused by special sort of connection with it.

In the beginning I said that there’s a certain fatality in running away. But somehow this album makes it satisfying. Maybe it’s because the catastrophe was rescheduled – the cover of the album says it all – the patient that was brought to the ER was saved, even if temporarily. The coldness of the open space was a relief. I suppose it’s an accurate analogy for the band – after all the catastrophe came few years later. And there was hope, still, despite all the disappointment. Damon sang, just before the epic noise of the final song, that no matter how low, there’s always further to go and Blur were, indeed, moving on.

[imonthinice]

The Criminal Psychology Majors, Jason Todd x Fem!Reader Part 6/?

Word Count: 2.6-2.7k idk exact

Author’s Note: Y/N - Your name, A/N - Any name (your best friend’s name)

MUSIC IS INCLUDED THIS TIME! Please enjoy my personal music playlist, or at least a snippet of it.

TO THE PERSON WHO REBLOGGED AND SAID THIS WAS CUTE (at least the first part) you straight up made me cry omfg

Warnings: Swearing, gets really fucking heated at the end (no sex, yet), no beta bitch we die like Jason Todd

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6) (Part 7) (Part 8) (Part 9) (Part 10) (Part 11) (Part 12) (Part 13) (Part 14) (Part 15) (Part 16) (Part 17) (Part 18) (Part 19) (Part 20)

Outfit Context:

Y/N:

Jason:

(Cause I finally found an outfit I liked on the boy, men’s fashion isn’t my strong suit,,, heh :) )

“Sorry, is my mouth hung open?” he asked.

“Yes, sir. Very much so,” she mocked.

Jason closed his mouth and outstretched his hand for Y/N’s, cupping it with both hands and kissing the top of it.

“You just look so lovely, Y/N.”

“And you’re chivalrous, Jay. Now, should we get going?” she asked, putting her free hand on top of his two.

“Yes, let’s go,” he let one of his hands go of hers and lead her to the Porsche he brought with him, not intertwining his fingers with hers.

He opened the passenger’s side door and let Y/N get in, not letting go of her hand til the last moment he could hold it. He got in an turned on the radio,

It felt like a good night, for dancing in the moonlight,

In empty streets, well, everybody's got a reason why,

If we could only just get it right,

Maybe it will all work out like in the movies,

But I know Romeo must die before the ending,

With a final poison kiss delivered gently,

Because you don't get lucky twice, and that's the truth,

“Sing to me sweet just like my memory, 

If New York City Still moves me then I’ve found something real,

I’ll be okay, I could go on for days,

But I just don’t have the courage that it takes to be real,

And even if it’s dark at least we’ll be together,

Slowly sinking in the Earth to lay forever,

You better grab a hold and hold on for your life,

Because you don’t get lucky twice,

No, you don’t get lucky twice,” She sung with the tune.

Without the Bitter the Sweet Isn’t as Sweet - Mayday Parade

“You, you have the voice of an angel,” he said.

“It’s not that hard to mimic works of art with my voice.”

“Did you ever take singing lessons?”

“I did when I was younger, so I could sing French lullabies to my cousins.”

He placed a hand on her thigh as he drove them through the countryside of Gotham to Metropolis, taking the long way on what seemed like purpose. So he could encapsulate the moment in his memory for as long as he knew her and what she was to him. She was an adventure waiting to happen, a love story not yet written to tell for ages, a rock ‘n’ roll song written to please the masses in hidden corners of the world.

And to her, he was a masterwork of intertwining memories of pain, sadness, luck and beauty. A mind of complexity she was just waiting to dive into and see how it functioned. A story behind the white tuff of hair he had, why he was jacked to the masses if he was a book nerd. A story of his favourite book and his favourite sibling, his favourite trope, his love, his pain, him.

The moments where she stuck her hand out the window and traced symbols into the Autumn air swirling past the two as they cruised down the empty back roads. When he laughed as she sang Reste by GIMS and Sting. He didn’t understand the lyrics, but she did, and she called it a love song. Well, he got the parts Sting sung, but French wasn’t a language he knew like she did.

“I guess being Bilingual helped you out massively with that one, huh?”

“It’s a talent I never knew I needed, apparently.”

“Well, you did know you needed.”

“That’s fair,” she laughed, “ I guess I did always need it as a skill.”

“Do your cousins speak English too?” he asked.

“Yeah, a bit? It’s better English than my father.”

“Can he not speak English?”

“Well, he can, just not well. But my mother is also Bilingual in English and French so they never had to worry about my father being bad at English. My twin sister and I grew up knowing both languages,” she rambled, still playing with the wind, “I guess it’s a one-up I have on a lot of people, being able to just talk and talk in another language, travelling advantage,” she kept going, Jason intently listening to her as she went on and on, he liked the silence being filled by her voice, “You know? You might know, I don’t know how you were raised to a T,” she finished.

“Well, I can assure you I only know English so you have that theoretical one-up on me, too. But I choose to see that one-up as something you can teach me as time goes on and we progress,” he paused, “If you’re down to get serious eventually, that is,” he panicked.

“Well, maybe we’re at that point where we can say we’re casually seeing each other and exclusive, but not serious. Hopeful, but not pressuring ourselves into something that’s going to be put under a lot of pressure as we go on,” she said, still playing with the wind.

“We’ll see about that after dinner.”

“Where are we even going?”

“Fancy little restaurant with a balcony facing over the city,” he assured.

“Really out here living for the moments?”

“Well, most girls crack under the pressure of the paparazzi, you, however, flipped them off, and that’s being rewarded for showing that you can’t give a fuck about those dingy ass tabloids and how they treat you, by taking you out to nice places,” he said.

She laughed, “I’m glad I’m never going to live that one down, it was really fun to do.”

“I hope it continues as we go along, I would hate to see that behavior change when it brings a smile to everyone who’s ever been harassed by paparazzi” when they pulled over for a second, Jason quickly loosened his tie a tad, “Honestly, I want to ditch this fucking tie,”

“It’s not you,” she said, “It’s just not.”

“And you know me that well to take that guess?”

“I could see you struggling with it from a mile away, Jason. Maybe the fancy restaurant isn’t us,” she laughs, “But we aren’t going to not take that dinner date.”

“Oh we’re so going to take that date, but I’m thinking from here on out we do whatever the fuck we want, no fancy dates. Thoughts?” he asked.

“Done deal,” she said.

----------------------------

In the restaurant, the two of them were basically the worst people to be there, it was levels of fancy that neither of them actually wanted, they both wanted simplicity, but they both thought the presence of the other person was enough of a takeaway from the completely wrong choice of restaurant. They had Dick to blame for this one, and Jason made that clear to Dick in a joking text while Y/N snuck off to the bathroom to ‘fix her hair, she was actually checking her breath.

Dick, this fucking restaurant is a god damn bust, man. We aren’t you and Barbara, that’s what we’ve discovered today. lol.

Bummer! We really like that place.

I can see why it screams Dick and Barbs.

You kissed her yet though?

No.

Wuss! Cat got your tongue? Just do it, man.

And at the same time, Y/N was texting A/N about Jason and what to do,

Girl! Thank you so much for reminding me to bring mints, my god, food ruins your breath so much.

You really want the pretty boy kiss huh?

No, I’m eating the mints to not kiss him, YES I WANT THE KISS.

Ha! Honesty is key, just go for it.

She laughed as she packed her phone into her dress pockets (Yeah there’s fucking pockets :) ) and went to leave the restroom to meet up with Jason again. To which, Jason had already paid and tipped the waiter.

“I could have at least helped on the tip, Jay.”

“I tipped him 200%, but if you want to drop more cash, go for it.”

“You tipped that much?” she asked while slipping in a 50$ she had on her.

“Of course, food service workers deserve a lot more than what they get, especially when they have to deal with terrible customers,” he said as he went and grabbed her hand again, not intertwining fingers again, “And my best friend, Will, he complains about people who don’t tip and praises people who quote ‘over tip’ but I think that he deserves 200% each bill for the shit he puts up with.”

“Did you tip him when we went there?”

“No, I called in a ‘No questions asked’ favour. And before you say anything, he did the same to make me babysit his daughter-”

“Your best friend has a daughter?”

“Well, he’s older than me, but yeah, he’s a single dad because her mum kind of sucks, lovely little girl, I’m her godfather.”

“Does she call you Uncle Jason?”

“Well, Uncle Jay, it’s like one of the only works she knows how to say properly, and Dada,” he laughed, “Great little girl,” he said, nervously, “This doesn’t change anything, does it? ‘Cause if he, knock on fucking wood, lord forbids, dies that will be my daughter.”

“Well, he’s not dead and you’re not worrying that he’s going to die, so nothing has to change. God kids are god kids, noble that you took on your best friend’s kid if, lord forbid, anything happens to the man, really,” she assured.

He sighed and kissed the back of her hand, “Then that is just a gift on top of what I did,” he smiled and lead her back to the Porsche once again, opening the car door for her and she slightly turned on the radio, he let out a small laugh to himself, he got the pretty girl. He got into the Porsche again and began backing out.

“There’s something about ditching a really expensive dinner date that leaves you wanting more,” she said, absent-mindedly.

“What kind of more?” he asked.

“The kind you see in the movies, fully exposed and adventurous, you know?”

“Well, we could always sneak into the Wayne Manor Gardens and dance the night away under the stars like lovers do,” he half-joked, placing a hand on her thigh again and pretending like he did it subconsciously, but he was hyper-aware, especially when he caught her smile as she laughed.

“Wayne Manor? With your brothers, sisters, dad, and grandfather?” she paused, “If you’re serious, then no, not tonight. If you’re pulling my leg then, hell fucking no,” she joked.

“Maybe one day, then, huh?”

“One day, for sure. When it isn’t scary to accidentally run into your family on their property running around with you,” she said.

“Well, we can always go into the Wayne Enterprises Ballroom and dance the night away, no one should be in the office for a while and even then since there are no classes in the entire school tomorrow you can just hide out in my office if we stay too long,” he paused to make sure she was still listening, “Security can’t question me because I’m Bruce Wayne’s son, and security is tight as fuck so paparazzi can’t get to us,” he paused to put a little bit of pressure on her thigh, “What do you say? Can I have this dance, Milady?” he half-joked.

“You want to know something Jason?

“Always, Y/N.”

“I took dance lessons when I was younger, can you Waltz?” she asked.

“Yes ma’am, I can.”

“Then I’m in, let’s go.”

-------------------------------------

She loved the feeling of being back in her new hometown, Gotham. So when they pulled into the massive black building, she felt even more welcomed, security at the gates did ask ‘Who’s the girl?’ but Jason just explained it very easily,

“You know that date of mine that flipped off the press and you lot loved it?” he asked.

“Yes, sir,” the man responded.

“You can call me Jason, you know that. But this is that girl.”

And they were let through the parking gates and into the underground parking system, they had to travel surprisingly far to Jason’s reserved spot in the lot, but the did get there before it hit AM. Once out of the car, Jason grabbed her hand and they ran into the building’s employees doors. It was a tight squeeze, but the feeling of Jason pressed so close to her sent chills down her spine. They went through many halls and reached the Ballroom, and entering it was like a dream for her.

Walls lined with intricate shapes and colours, but the colours never brought away from the stage at the far end from the door, the curtains seemed to redden with each step towards them, the 3, maybe 4 chandeliers hung above her like crystals in the ocean, it was amazing and beautiful. Checkered floorboards to give it a little bit of dimension, but it was the same colour as the main wall so your brain and eyes wouldn’t hurt after looking at it. It was stunningly beautiful and that’s what drew her in.

When he grabbed her hand and put on Never Let Me Go by Florence + The Machine, pulling her close to his chest and slowly Waltzing her around the room, spinning her when it felt right for him to do. Neither of them worried about the sloppiness or how it looked to the naked eye because it was for them. no one got satisfaction like they did at that moment. And grabbing her for one last dip was Jason’s goal when the ending of the song hit, although out of breath and his face stuffed in her chest as they both panted, he did pull her up so they were face-to-face on the dancefloor that they wiped clean.

“Did I tell you that you look stunning, Y/N?”

“I think you mentioned it a few times, Jay,” she said, staring directly into his eyes.

“Well, I mean it.”

“And I’m going to mean this,” she paused, taking her hand and placing it on his cheek, “ The way your eyes are a green-blue tint makes me lost in them, they’re like a sea of this mind I find myself liking more and more every day,” she paused to put her other hand on his other cheek, “And the way your nose and cheek freckles frame them is amazing.”

And he went for it. Somehow when he pressed his lips into hers, it felt like they were meant to match, and they both opened their mouths to play the coveted game of tongue-war, but they didn’t play by the rules, it was soft and sweet but full of passion and love, not lust. His hands would travel to her waist and lightly grip her, while her hands would travel to his neck and drape around the back of it.

They pulled away at the same moment to take in air, something they had clearly been missing as they were connected, they both let out a small chuckle before she put her hands in his hair and went in for round 2.

This time it was hungrier, and they both played with the shapes of the other so much more as time went on, he would grab her ass and she would pull on his hair slightly before he picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist and moved one of her hands to the nape of his neck, this time, they would break for seconds only to start moving towards his office, which, conveniently, had a couch.

To say he threw her on that couch would be an understatement, he fucking thrust her on that couch and climbed on top of her, it was like 3 days of passion and lust combined themselves in a matter of minutes from their first kiss to them meeting on the couch. They both knew deep down that it couldn’t escalate further than this, especially at 1 in the morning, but time moves fast when you’re connecting in this way.

They finally broke after their passionate exchange and he fell to her side and began to spoon her, “Worth it,” he whispered.

“Worth what?” she asked.

“It was worth it to take a chance and defy my anxieties to ask you on that first date.”

“I don’t like a reality where you didn’t ask me on that date.”

“Neither do I, and I’m positive of that.”

[meduseld]

So I think, this is just my personal theory. That only the first born Goode male know about the curse and not the rest of the family. And maybe they just have an inkling that there's something up but they don't question it.

About the cops? I think because Shadyside and Sunnyvale are apart of Union county that they have one sheriffs department. So they cover both but obviously the Goode's would want it in Shadyside because that's where all the bad shit happens, they can keep an eye on them, and also pick a new victim when the time comes.

So I noticed in Ziggy's house she had a *ton* of books. I also noticed Nick had a *ton* of records and books but I think records? Not sure. Anyways, do you think they had some type of book club? I think maybe Nick would drop off new books to her? And also I was wondering if she left the house because maybe she could have gotten her groceries delivered. And also I saw a clock for the video store so I think she does go out. Also to walk Major Tom.

I also think it was interesting that when Nick went to Ziggy's house he meant to knock but couldn't bring himself to so he left the note. I still wonder why exactly he told her? Like just a warning so she wouldn't be as surprised? But do we think they saw each other before 1994? Because personally I want to believe but I would think if anything it would take Ziggy a few years before she could handle it.

I have read some great Ziggy x Nick fics (including yours! Love!) and I've seen some talk about Nick being obsessed with her and I totally believe it and maybe does stalk her. Like that 1978 scene where Ziggy playfully accuses him??👀 idk. Like when he walks into the mall, like any idiot could see something was up and it was probably a set up. But omfg when he realized she was there, his face, it's like he couldn't help but be drawn to her anyways.

And obviously Nick is evil and the worst, I don't ever forget that or wanna downplay what he did. But I did notice the second time that he didn't put the gun on Ziggy, but he still did use her as a shield but I'm not 100% buying that he would have actually gone through with using her as a shield.

Also! The song when Ziggy is setting up the paint and Nick walks in, the Buzzcock's "Ever Fallen in Love (With Someone You Shouldn't've)" (I've always loved this song so !! lol). But omg listening to it after knowing what Nick has done! Cuz you know at first you think it's just because he's a Sunnyvaler and she's a Shadysider so it's like Romeo and Juliet. But then! Watching it a second time and the lyrics!! Because obviously it applies for both of them but for very different reasons once Ziggy learns the truth (foreshadowing lol). But looking at the lyrics and what the writer of the song said I do kind of see it a bit more as Nick about Ziggy because, "You spurn my natural emotions
You make me feel I'm dirt, and I'm hurt and if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you, and that's worse". Cuz you know in the beginning he's trying to be nice and she totally doesn't let up on him lol. And if Nick were to stop the curse it would be a commotion. And also he can't let her go because he likes her so much and he does end up hurting her in the end. But also, "I can't see much of the futureUnless we find out what's to blame, what a shame And we won't be together much longer Unless we realize that we are the same" And you know, unless we find out what's to blame👀 and the second half, how they are kind of the same in the sense of liking spiders, Stephen king and each other. And also! The writer of the song says the song is really about, "But it's about the way in which you deal with that realization and how you try and find some way to change the other person, which is usually a bit doomed anyway." (genius.com) And honestly that sounds really like Nick towards Ziggy to me. Because he knows he shouldn't but he still wants to and does and he tries to change it, by letting her live, but ya know they were doomed in that sense. And then the other song! Where they're hanging out in the nature and science room where they kiss? "Sweet Jane" by The Velvet Underground. It also has some very Nick-like lyrics to me. I'll probably have more theories/headcanons soon lol.

Hey nice!!!

Right so in order:

That only the first born Goode male know about the curse and not the rest of the family. Agreed, it makes sense to explain being able to keep the secret and maybe the Pact itself doesn't let them/ensures their family doesn't notice.

About the cops? I think because Shadyside and Sunnyvale are apart of Union county that they have one sheriffs department. Agreed, I've also put in stuff re: Nick skulking around Shadyside doing so in this way.

So I noticed in Ziggy's house she had a *ton* of books. Okay this I love and it's worth pointing out! I don't think they kept up over the years in canon, but Nick leaving books outside her door with no note feels in character. I think she did leave her house for some stuff, like what you note, and she was always a reader. There's also all the research she probably did on witchcraft. I think Nick's house had a lot of records, but I also feel the house was very performative in a way so idk how reliable that is to his tastes/interests.

I also think it was interesting that when Nick went to Ziggy's house he meant to knock but couldn't bring himself to so he left the note. That's the biggest plot hole to me personally, given what we know. I've mostly decided on "he told her to get back into her life/reconnect with her" but honestly he could have had her place attacked directly and gallantly saved her? On the other hand that didn't work for him last time. I think they didn't really see each other in canon, though presumably minor interactions could have happened as they live/work in the same place and yeah enough time had passed post 78 that it might have been doable to her, but in my fics they always seem to have seen a lot of each other......................

I have read some great Ziggy x Nick fics (including yours! Love!) and I've seen some talk about Nick being obsessed with her and I totally believe it and maybe does stalk her. Aw thank you! Yes I think there's an obsession and a fixation on her. And given his job, it would have been easy to do and not look like he was doing it/keep tabs on her. And yes the mall thing! Clearly something was up but he saw her and it was like: Head Empty Only Ziggy.

And obviously Nick is evil and the worst, I don't ever forget that or wanna downplay what he did. Agreed, I don't think of myself as an apologist or whatever but as someone interested in Nick the character and his choices and how those things inform each other. Among them, using the woman he apparently loves as a human shield, only to turn around and scream at the others to save her life. So I don't think he would have gone through with using her as a shield but like you said it's not like. A good thing. It just means that he values her but he's not above threatening her. (Remember that post where people were like Anakin might be evil but he never mindtricked anybody! And others were like he murdered children though. And I chose to read it as, actually Anakin didn't have the will/mental fortitude to successfully mindtrick anybody and thus resorted to force, which is an interesting thing to point out but doesn't mean he's secretly the good guy all along. That's what I think this is).

Also! The song when Ziggy is setting up the paint and Nick walks in, the Buzzcock's "Ever Fallen in Love (With Someone You Shouldn't've)" (I've always loved this song so !! lol). This was a pretty great/interesting reflection! I think the song choices were super deliberate and layered in this movie, like the use of Man Who Sold The World. It's also interesting that Sweet Jane also plays when Deena and Sam kiss in their own science room. Which is not so much a false parallel as the NickXZiggy story being a foil to both the DeenaXSam and HannahXSarah stories.

Thanks for sending this in, can't wait to keep chatting! Lots to think about.

[jaskiers-sweetkiss]

Sunset Swerve - Part 10

Pairing: Luke x OC

Word Count: 5.3K

Warnings: some swearing, i actually think that’s it for this part?

A/N: Okay here’s part 10, or as I’ve been calling it: Part 9 2: Electric Boogaloo. This is a very special edition of Sunset Swerve in which you get to read from Luke’s POV! This is covering the same time frame as part 9 but Luke’s pov provides some different scenes and new insight that’s kinda significant so I would really recommend not skipping it lol. I wanna shoutout @meangirlsx for being my sounding board and giving me loads of help on these two parts! As always, send me a message/drop a comment if you want to be tagged and let me know what you think!

Part 9  Masterlist

___

The week started off great for Luke. He was coming off the high from their performance at the open mic time and the relief that Julie didn’t have to quit the band. The latter fact also absolved him from his guilt of having suggested that Julie sneak out in the first place.

He found himself spending a lot of time with Jordan in the following days between talking about the book he’d started (she had been right, Annabeth was really cool though he maintained that she was stuck-up) and writing music. Their relationship had become much more civil following his birthday, though the fighting didn’t stop. Luke was starting to wonder if Jordan could survive without regularly making snarky or sarcastic comments. Still, the newfound closeness had been… nice. Luke wasn’t entirely sure how to categorize it, especially alongside the feelings he was certain he had for Julie.

As he sat across from Jordan, close enough that their knees were touching as they worked through some rhythms on a new song, Luke found that he wasn’t certain of anything. Jordan felt like a magnet- he realized belatedly that she always had- constantly pulling him closer and closer no matter how much either of them tried to pull away. He was starting to wonder if learning metaphors at book club was really a good thing.

“Hey Luke, can I ask you about something?” Julie pipped up from the entryway of the garage, pulling him away from his thoughts and Jordan.

“Sure, what’s up?” He asked, quirking an eyebrow quizzically.

“Oh, um, actually can we talk outside?” She asked and he furrowed his brow but nodded, setting down his guitar and jogging over to where she stood by the doors.

“This is gonna sound weird but can I ask why Jordan was with you at your house the other day?” Julie asked unsurely once they were outside and Luke froze, not expecting the question.

“How’d you…?” He trailed off, peering at the girl suspiciously. He hadn’t told anyone that he made frequent visits to his house, though he suspected the guys knew and Jordan had figured it out on his birthday.

“Alex and Reggie took me…” Julie said, tucking her hair behind her ear embarrassedly. “After I called you selfish and said you didn’t care about anyone but yourself…”

“That’s ironic coming from you, Miss Boundaries,” he scoffed irritatedly, brows furrowed in anger and Julie sighed.

“I’m really sorry Luke, it was wrong.”

“But now you wanna snoop even more,” he frowned, raising his brows as if to say ‘seriously?’

Julie opened her mouth to defend herself but Luke cut her off with a sigh before answering her question.

“If you must know, Jordan and I have spent every birthday together since we were five, I guess she figured I could use the comfort and familiarity.” He shrugged, trying to downplay how much the gesture had meant to him. It’s been really difficult, grieving his loss of his parents while they grieved him even twenty-five years later. At least when he was a runaway there was still always the possibility of reconciliation. Now there never would be.

“That’s really thoughtful,” Julie said, “But it doesn’t make sense. You guys hate each other, what happened?”

“Oh, we always have,” he smirked to himself, remembering that first day they met. He’d found a massive spider in the yard and thought it would be funny to put it in her hair, obviously, she hadn’t felt the same and the rest was history. “But our parents really wanted us to be friends so… birthday parties.”

“That explains a lot, actually,” Julie nodded thoughtfully and now it was Luke’s turn to be confused, tilting his head in a silent request for the girl to explain. “You guys have these moments where you like, exude this closeness that totally doesn’t fit the nature of your relationship. It makes sense now, knowing how long you’ve known each other.”

“I mean, there was a point where we were basically the closest thing to family each other had,” Luke shrugged, thinking about those last five months in the studio. “Guess we forgot about that when we died.”

They’d grow inexplicably close in those months that they’d lived together. It was an unspoken closeness, neither of them dared to acknowledge it but Luke saw it often in the little things. They’d stopped calling each other names when it was just them in the garage and sometimes when he was stuck on a new song he was writing she’d shout out suggestions from across the room. It was like they’d called an unconscious truce in their grief but when they came back as ghosts that all disappeared, the two immediately back at each others’ throats.

When Luke returned to the studio after his conversation with Julie it had sort of felt like the same thing had happened again. He’d thought he was finally making headway with Jordan, that they’d finally started back on the path to friendship after his birthday, or maybe even something more, and while things hadn’t totally changed, they felt different somehow.

She’d stopped hanging out with him in her free time. Instead, she spent the time holed up in the corners of the studio with her notebook or sitting behind the piano or her guitar, playing or strumming as she hummed softly. Luke wanted to help her out or tell her she sounded beautiful but he couldn’t help but notice how secretive she was being. They’d been working on songs together recently but this one she seemed determined to keep to herself.

When he entered the studio one afternoon to find her notebook on the couch, completely unguarded he couldn’t help himself. He blamed his overwhelming curiosity for why he picked it up despite knowing first-hand how sacred a song journal was.

When he found the partially written song at the back of the notebook he sucked in a breath, chest filling with hope at the lyrics on the page. It wasn’t much, only one verse and a chorus and what looked like half a pre-chorus but he couldn’t help but wonder if it was about him.

[Verse ?]

Bored of games why do you still play?

Back and forth, it’s always the same

You’re player one, I’m player two, who is she, player who?

Roll the dice and make your way

Pre-chorus

I know I’m hard but that’s part of it

You could leave but you are still here

and I’ve nowhere to go but ???

His mind whirled as he tried to work it out for himself. It screamed jealousy to him. She’d started writing after he’d had his conversation with Julie, so it wasn’t an unreasonable guess that he was “you” and Julie was “she.” She was jealous of him and Julie. But was it platonic? Was it more than that?

He was pretty sure he’d lost his damn mind in the hurricane of questions racing through his brain. It was the only explanation for the pure stupidity of what he did next.

“Moss, what’s this?” He asked when she found him with her notebook. Then he started to read off the chorus,

“I’m selfish, I’m selfish, I’m selfish

when it comes to you.

I can’t help it, can’t help it

crazy things that I do.”

“Give it back,” she snapped, cheeks flushing in what he later recognized as a mix of embarrassment and anger but at the time his brain ignored entirely, too caught up in an unthought-out attempt to confront her feelings.

“When I need you I come back to you.

I’m selfish, I’m selfish

when it comes to you.”

“I’m serious, Patterson. You don’t see me poking around in your notebook,” Jordan argued, grabbing hold of the notebook but not pulling it out of his hands.

“You don’t see me leaving my notebook lying around.” His body and his mouth were moving on autopilot but without a GPS as he responded cheekily, letting go of the notebook. Somewhere in the back of his mind, his rational brain was screaming at him to shut up but he just kept talking. “Who’s it about?”

“None of your business.”

Though his brain was on a self-destructive warpath, he couldn’t help but notice how adorable Jordan looked hugging the notebook to her chest protectively. Though, the adorableness factor was negated slightly by the death glare in her eyes.

“I think it’s about me,” he announced smugly, leaning back against the couch haughtily as if daring her to contradict him.

What the hell are you doing, man?

“I think you’re a dumbass,” she spat, and just like that she was gone, poofing away.

He leaned forward, putting his head in his hands with a groan as he realized what he did.

For the next day and a half, he could feel how the atmosphere between them had grown frigid. He’d tried to apologize a few times but every time he got close she would poof away, clearly not wanting to hear from him. What interactions they did have in those couple days were short and snide, laced with venom and insults. The behavior didn’t seem out of the ordinary to the rest of the group, but to Luke, it felt like he’d just stepped from the warm beach into ice-cold water and it was all his fault.

Luke was on the brink of losing his mind again when he went out on a limb that night. He, Alex, and Reggie were about to go out exploring like they did most nights after all the lifers went to sleep and he really wasn’t keen on leaving Jordan in the studio to stew in her anger.

“C’mon, Moss, we’re going exploring!” he called up to the loft. Deciding he’d given her enough space, it was time for ambush mode.

“And why would I want to go anywhere with you?” She called back venomously, not even deigning to come to the railing of the loft or poof down to speak to him face-to-face.

He sighed, clenching his eyes shut briefly before exhaling heavily and speaking.

“Look, I’m sorry, alright?” He called back, wishing he wasn’t doing this in front of Reggie and Alex. “I shouldn’t have gone through your notebook, it was a dick move.”

Luke was surprised at how quickly she forgave him, poofing down only moments after he apologized. He stared at her surprise, his body more relaxed now that she was spending time with them again. He hoped Alex and Reggie weren’t watching him, afraid they might somehow see the pure relief and adoration that he felt for her. Maybe he was being dramatic, but he swore he stopped breathing when she finally turned to look at her. He was totally screwed.

___

The next morning was quiet, though it felt like everything had gone back to normal. Jordan was sprawled across the couch which Luke had stopped trying to claim possession over, it was his couch but at this point, it might as well have been hers. Alex was sitting across from him making a friendship bracelet that he secretly hoped was for him but thought might’ve been for Willie, and Luke was reading his book. Things were really starting to pick up in the characters’ quest and he was apparently so invested that he barely recognized Reggie’s arrival until he heard the word “gig.”

Just like that he was on his feet along with Jordan and Alex, quest entirely forgotten as they all started blurting out questions.

“Where?”

“When?’

“How?”

Reggie excitedly explained how they were having a garage party at the house so that their band could perform and Ray and some of his colleagues would record them professionally for the band’s YouTube. Then Reggie patiently explained what a YouTube was and Luke briefly wondered when he’d learned more about modern technology than the rest of them. He supposed Julie did give him that iPod.

“We’re gonna record a music video? Like on MTV?” He exclaimed excitedly after Reggie had explained.

“Yes, dude! And Julie says if we get enough views we could go big!”

Luke gaped at his three bandmates, trying to come up with a vocalization for the thoughts flying through his head. All of a sudden there was a lot at stake for this event, the whole world would be able to see their performance. It had to be perfect. They needed to practice, hell they needed to pick a song.

He needed to talk to Julie.

When he reappeared in the school hallway he realized he probably should’ve told the group where he was going but it was too late now.

“What’re you doing here?” Julie asked him after getting over the initial shock of his sudden appearance.

“We need to talk about what song we’re gonna play tonight,” Luke said excitedly, grinning at the girl. “I was thinking Great?”

Julie held up a finger to signal she needed a moment before pulling out her phone.

“Wait seriously? You’re just gonna take a call while we’re talking? That’s so rude!”

Julie rolled her eyes at his dramatics before explaining, “Otherwise people might think I’m talking to myself.”

“Right, nice, okay,” Luke nodded, impressed by her quick thinking.

It was strange to be back in a high school hallway after so long, chatting with a cute girl by the lockers. The thought immediately brought the image of Jordan. Wow, he was really screwed.

“But yeah, I think Great is a… great choice,” Julie answered his question and he nodded, satisfied with the choice.

“Alright, sweet! Well, that was pretty much all I wanted to talk to you about so…”

“Oh! Okay,” Julie said, surprised.

“Actually wait- I wanted to talk to you about Jordan,” He started. He knew he and Julie had something between them but with these rising feelings about Jordan he’d been experiencing he didn’t want to lead her on. “Look, I, uh, I don’t really know how to say this but-“

“You have a crush on Jordan!” Julie gasped, effectively cutting him off.

His cheeks turned red and he scratched the back of his neck embarrassedly.

“Yeah- I mean, I don’t know but…”

“But you don’t want to hurt me,” Julie finished and Luke raised his eyebrows in surprise.

“Wow, you are really perceptive Molina,” he said and she smiled.

“You don’t have to worry about me-“

“Sorry, my Patterson Idiocy Meter was going off,” Jordan explained as she suddenly appeared beside him, effectively putting an end to his conversation with Julie. “It lets me know when he’s doing something especially stupid.”

Luke rolled his eyes at the comment, sticking his tongue out petulantly at the girl and Julie gave him a knowing smile.

“Anyway,” Luke said dramatically, rerouting the conversation and turning back to Julie. “I was thinking, you should just ditch school today and come rehearse with us.”

He probably should’ve anticipated both girls’ protests but he still found himself trying to rationalize what he knew was a bad idea.

“Right, you were at school first, and now you’re leaving to go rehearse.”

“Stop trying to persuade her to do bad things!” Jordan chastised him, smacking his shoulder lightly.

“I really can’t. Plus I promised Nick I’d be his dance partner…” Julie explained, and Luke noticed Jordan wiggling her eyebrows at the mention of the name. He was clearly missing something.

“…and he’s heading this way,” Julie finished, pretending to hang up the phone in favor of talking to the blond-haired boy who just walked up.

“Well don’t you look sharp!” Julie’s reaction to his teasing told him all he needed to know about her feelings and the boy was not being sly about his at all. “Uh-oh, I think somebody’s got a crush on Julie!”

He couldn’t help it. It’s the designated role of all close friends to make fun of each other for their crushes. He knew by the way Julie had reacted when he’d told her about his (well, tried to tell her) that she was never going to let him hear the end of it. So, he dove right into it, mimicking Nick’s motions and facial expressions all with a playful glint in his eyes.

“Oh he is just too cute,” he teased when the blond lifer finally walked away.

“Boundaries,” Julie reminded him with a roll of her eyes. “I’ll see you after school.”

She began walking away towards her class but Luke wasn’t ready to end the conversation.

“Fine! I guess we’ll just have to carry you tonight, just like we always do!” He called down the hallway and he could see Julie shake her head slightly in exasperation. “I know you’re smiling, Molina!”

“Shut up, Luke,” Jordan rolled her eyes, smacking his chest lightly and he sent her a cheeky grin. “Good luck Julie! You’ll do great!” She called after the girl and Luke awed internally at the support.

“Yeah! Kill it on the dance floor!” He joined in, shuffling smoothly across the floor as he yelled.

“Dork,” he heard Jordan mutter and he snapped towards her, feigning upset despite how pleased he was at the attention he was getting.

“C’mon, we’ve gotta get rehearsing,” he spoke, brushing off the dramatics but she waved him off.

“I’ll be right there.”

He frowned, wanting her to come with him but he poofed away anyway, landing back in the garage between Reggie and Alex.

They immediately got to work, Luke walking them through Great. He felt bad doing it without Jordan since it was really her and Julie’s song more than anything, but he really wanted them to sound as best as they could. It was her song and they needed to do it justice.

They’d only just gotten through the basic structure and Jordan’s plans for the song, which she’d scribbled into the margins of his notebook pages while they worked on it together, when they were interrupted by a face in the window.

“Again? What’s all that about?” Reggie asked when Willie’s face disappeared from view, the boy clearly knowing he’d been caught.

Luke shrugged in response, just as lost as the rest but Alex stood, seemingly determined to get answers this time as he poofed out.

Despite their typical itch to snoop, the two boys gave Willie and Alex their privacy, instead moving over to their respective instruments to tune and warm up while they waited.

Luke could tell something was off when Alex returned but the blond-haired ghost had gone straight for his drumset, insisting that they start rehearsing. So, Luke didn’t push it, until about halfway through the song Alex got a little too into his drums, no longer playing along.

“Alex are you alright?” He asked sincerely once he’d stopped playing.

“Yeah... yeah, why?” Alex asked, trying to brush it off but Luke and Reggie had already connected the dots.

Alex only ever played like that when he was upset and since he was in a good mood before Willie showed up, it wasn’t difficult to figure out.

“I know it’s tough man. People say you never forget your first ghost.” Reggie spike sympathetically, “but... I’m sure there will be others.”

“Yeah, thanks Reg,” Alex nodded and Luke stepped forward, clutching his guitar strap as if to brace himself. He wasn’t very good at expressing things outside of music.

“Yeah, and Alex, you’re a great drummer and a great guy, okay?” He said, leaning onto the drumset slightly as he spoke. “I wouldn’t let all that stuff get in between you and what you love.”

Alex nodded and Luke finally noticed Jordan’s presence in the studio. He’d started to take steps in her direction to ask when she’d gotten there when Reggie spoke up again.

“I don’t know, sometimes a little fire onstage can make things better,” he said suggestively and Luke froze in the center of the band setup. “Like you and Julie.”

His head immediately snapped towards Jordan, trying to gauge her reaction to the statement. He was already certain she thought there was something between him and Julie, she’d written a whole song out of jealousy after all, but he needed her to know that wasn’t true.

“Uh, what... what is that supposed to mean?” Luke asked, trying to play innocent and hoping Reggie would get the hint and back off.

“C’mon, everyone can see the way you look at her when you sing,” Reggie chuckled, clearly not understanding. “You guys ooze chemistry.”

“Please never say ooze again,” Alex said to Reggie before turning to Luke, “But you have to agree he’s right.”

“No, no.” Luke denied vehemently, chancing another nervous glance at Jordan only to find she had become suddenly very interested in her shoes. “I have chemistry with everyone I sing with.”

It felt like a reasonable excuse to him, and it wasn’t exactly wrong. He did have chemistry when he sang with people, but it wasn’t because of the person, it was because of the music. Still, Reggie and Alex gave him looks of disbelief and he huffed and rolled his eyes.

“Seriously, watch,” he said, taking a determined step towards Jordan. Sure he was trying to prove a point to the guys, but maybe he could prove something else to himself and Jordan.

Still, before he could even take another step she stopped him.

“You’d better take that step back,” she demanded, not even looking up from the floor and his heart sank.  

He shook it off with a sigh, still determined to prove his point to the guys. So he turned on his heel, confidently stepping towards Reggie as he began to sing.

“I believe, I believe that we’re just one dream away from who we’re meant to be.” When he got close enough, he slipped his hand around the back of the bassist‘s neck, pulling their faces even closer together. “That we’re standing on the edge of… great.”

He winked at the boy when he finished and stepped back, watching with a smirk as Reggie gulped. Mission accomplished.

“Wow,” Alex remarked, “I see chemistry.”

“Yeah, that was pretty hot,” Reggie admitted, voice cracking as he spoke.

Riding on the high of his success, Luke took it one step further, kissing two of his fingers before placing them on Reggie’s lips. When he heard a giggle from behind him he whirled around to grin at Jordan, elated that he could turn her mood around. She rolled her eyes in response but he didn’t care. He was starting to think maybe they were a sign of endearment from her with how much she did it.  

“Girls, amiright?” Reggie croaked out and Luke chuckled.

“Yeah,” he agreed and Alex quickly chimed in.

“No,” the drummer said definitively with a light chuckle.

Jordan barked out a laugh at that, poofing over to the drummer to give him a high five before poofing back to the front of the band setup. Luke shook his head at that, ducking his head to hide his smile as he slipped his guitar strap back across his body.

Practice went smoothly after that, though Jordan and Reggie insisted on messing around until Julie got there. He felt kinda lonely with Jordan now hanging out on Reggie’s side of the setup but it was worth it to see her smile and hear her laughter. He didn’t even have the heart to tell them to take this practice seriously since they had a performance tonight. When the hell did he become so whipped for a girl he wasn’t even sure liked him back?

He couldn’t begrudge them their fun, even screwing around Jordan and Reggie were some of the best musicians he knew and it was obvious when Julie got there. They only had an hour of true, focused rehearsal with the whole group yet it sounded amazing. Still, Luke was nervous. If he’d had his way, they would’ve practice until it was perfect but he knew that wasn’t reasonable.

Luke was bummed when Jordan left to get ready in Julie’s room. He figured they needed their “girl time” or whatever but- though he’d never say it out loud- watching Jordan do her makeup had become part of his pre-performance routine and he was a bit fascinated by the whole ordeal. Instead, he spent the time leading up to their performance reading his book or talking with Alex and Reggie.

Luke’s nerves didn’t present themselves outwardly as much as Jordan’s did. It was something he’d noticed back when they’d both started performing. When Jordan got nervous she moved, flicking and shaking her hands, bouncing in place, anything to stop her standing still. Luke, on the other hand, internalized his nerves. He would become uncharacteristically quiet the closer he got. When he first started performing for crowds his hands would tremble, something he’d had to figure out how to counteract pretty quickly because it’s really hard to play the guitar with shaky hands.

Still, pre-performance nerves were when his insecurities popped up the most so when he looked up and saw Jordan, Alex, and Reggie all holding hands in the garage while Julie started the song, he felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. He probably looked like a kicked puppy but he felt like one. His bandmates had left him out of something.

As if reading his thoughts, Jordan reached her hand out to him in a silent invitation to join whatever pre-show ritual they’d started without his knowledge. As soon as he took her hand he understood why they did it: silent solidarity. A small but strong reminder that they were in this together. Then Jordan squeezed his hand lightly, giving him just enough time to squeeze back before they were poofing onstage, well, onto the driveway.

Julie and Jordan were electric in center stage and all five of them were sounding great (no pun intended). Everything was going perfectly until Luke nodded his head at Jordan, silently asking her to come share his mic but she pointedly ignored him. Luke furrowed his brow in confusion as she angled her body away from him as she picked up the next verse.

Maybe it was a mistake, he thought, trying it again as he and Julie joined her vocals.

“Sometimes we gotta lean, lean on someone else to get a little help until we find a way,” they sang together, and Luke frowned slightly. Those lines had always made him think of Jordan, especially after his birthday and it hurt extra that she was ignoring him.

He tried to ignore the stab of jealousy he felt when she moved to the other side of the setup to sing to Alex by focusing on the music and singing with Reggie but it didn’t fully work. He still wanted her attention and he wanted to know why he wasn’t getting it.

His wounded puppy eyes were fully intact when he stepped up beside where Julie crouched on the piano to play his guitar solo. She gave him a sympathetic smile before shrugging lightly, seemingly understanding why he was upset but also unaware as to why he was being shunned. It made him feel a bit better, at least he wasn’t the only one in the dark. As the section came to an end he noticed her eyes flicking out to the crowd and followed them, spotting a familiar blond. He sent her a teasing wink as he hit the last note and she stood fully on the piano in what was a truly epic moment. That girl was a performer through and through.

He slid back to his microphone behind the piano, still hurt but pushing it aside to finish out the performance. Now really wasn’t the time to get lost in speculation and self-pity.

He was surprised when he and the guys returned to invisibility only to see Jordan still out there, singing and playing along with Julie. It was clearly a beautiful and emotional moment for the two and he wondered when they’d planned it. Still, that wasn’t his first question when he finally got time to talk to the ghost girl.

“Hey, so, how come you were ignoring me out there?” He asked her after the lifers had evacuated the driveway.

Reggie and Alex were playing some basketball on the hoop hanging from the garage door while Jordan was perched on the ledge at the end of the driveway, scribbling into her notebook.

“What are you talking about?” She asked, looking up to stare at him in confusion.

“During the performance… I wanted you to come sing with me…” he spoke, leaving pauses in hopes that she’d catch on and put him out of his misery but she never did. “C’mon Moss, I did the head nod and everything!”

“Those were for me?” She exclaimed, looking at him like he’d lost his mind, “I thought you were trying to get Julie!”

He felt the relief wash over him with those words. So it was just a simple misunderstanding.

The relief was short-lived, however, as the four of them were suddenly struck through with another jolt, sending the three guys sprawling to the ground and Jordan doubling over.

“Jesus fuck,” he heard Jordan curse as she clutched her chest and he groaned in agreement, pushing himself off the cement.

“That wasn’t like the other ones,” he said, “It’s getting worse.”

“Why is this happening to us?” Reggie asked, still bent over as he recovered.

“It’s because you guys are in serious trouble,” Willie answered, nervously approaching the four ghosts. “We need to talk.”

They all nodded in agreement, silently moving together before Willie poofed them to Hollywood.

They followed him along the Walk of Fame as he explained all about how Caleb’s stamp was the reason the jolts kept happening. That he’d stamped them to force them to work for him because they were too powerful.

“So, if we don’t join his club, the weird power outage thing continues until there’s no power left at all?” Reggie asked, crossing his arms over his chest nervously.

“Yes,” Willie answered, not meeting any of their eyes.

“What exactly happens when the power goes out?”

“That’s… that’s it. You’re done.”

Luke heard Jordan suck in a breath beside him, freezing in her tracks and the rest of the group slowed to a halt.

“Yeah, what do you mean by ‘we’re done?’” Reggie asked the question none of them wanted to hear the answer to.

“You just… you don’t exist… anymore. Not anywhere.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jordan slap a hand over her mouth as if to cover up a sob. He knew she was thinking about her parents, how she’d never see them again because of this and his blood began to boil.

“So what, we have to give up everything and work for Caleb for eternity?” He spat angrily, “That’s some club you guys got going on.”

He took a step back, reaching down discretely to grab Jordan’s hand, hoping to provide her with any kind of comfort and support.

“But there is another way,” Willie explained, “That’s why I’m here.”

“Another option?” Alex asked skeptically.

“Just please, hear me out.” Willie pleaded, and Luke shared a look with the other guys. “Alright. If you guys could figure out what your unfinished business is, you do it in time, you could cross over and be free from all of this.”

“Okay, so what’s our unfinished business?” Luke asked, squeezing Jordan’s hand reassuringly. He’d figure it out just for her.

“I don’t know,” Willie said. “But since you all died at the same time it could be something you all have to do together.”

Luke’s mind began whirling, trying to figure out what it could be. He was so caught up in his thoughts that he barely registered Willie departing, or Alex and Reggie talking.

“We have to figure out our unfinished business,” he insisted, finally joining in on the conversation.

“Yeah, man, and how are we supposed to do that? Alright?” Alex asked frustratedly. “There was so much we wanted to do.”

The combination of Alex’s words and him noticing the sign in the background brought upon Luke’s epiphany.

“Yeah, but the night we died, there was only one thing we wanted to do together,” he explained, pointing towards the Orpheum sign with his free hand.

Part 11

___

JATP Taglist: @meangirlsx @morganayennefertyrell

Sunset Swerve Taglist: @oopsiedoopsie23 @angryknightstatesmantrash @onlygetaway @deni-gonzalez @advicefromnixxxx @brooke0297 @vicesvsvirtuesfanfic @cordeliascrown

[einprotagonist]

The start to writing.

So, many people including old friends and family did not know that I write some stuff of my own (even though very rarely). And the question about when and how did I get into this always arises, so here I am (lyrics *this is me, there is nowhere else on earth I’d rather be*) telling this short little story.

Don’t mind the lyrics part which keeps occurring in my mind as I write some phrases. XD

Umm.. I was a young kid who was always philosophical about things happening around me. I was involved in a lot of grown-up’s issues even as a child, kind of the mature kid. Yep, eldest son indeed. This lead to me ending up as a more understanding human being than the average of my age group. I would always be knowing what kind of things are to really worry about and what is trivial issue which is only bothering as long as we are giving a shit to it.

So when my father got transferred to a city in the southern India and we all decided to move there with him, it was not an easy decision for me to leave all my friends and the city I grew up in. There logic I gave to myself was that after 2 years we all will get away from each other any ways as we will move onto college life, so I’m taking a leave just a few days earlier than the rest. This new city was a better developed city and had nice education as well as living standards than my old one. OR SO I THOUGHT.

Well, seeking admission into Intermediate schools, I was late to take admission as the sessions had already begun and I could not do an extensive research on which are the good ones in the given time of 2-3 days. It was not really a smartphone era yet. I joined into the most reputed school chain given it was very close to our apartment plus produced great results every year. It was an english medium school and they only had students who were doing intermediate studies, just the 11th and 12th class kids.

I’d always been a part of co-education system and to my surprise this one was a school where both girls and boys did study but not together. They had entirely different floor. What a troll! It was really funny to observe these boys who had never shared a classroom with girls, they talk all kinds of nasty shit only to be silent af when girls pass by. Hahaha.

Well, so I took admission into the school and they gave me choice of subjects which were all what I wanted but the secondary language was only Hindi/Telugu/Sanskrit/Arabic. I could not apprehend the fact that there is no Computer Science/Application! How could you not have one as a part of your education system in this age? IT IS 2013 FFS! I took Hindi for obvious reasons (I am a North Indian and Hindi is my mother tongue) and carried on. -__-

The biggest lie was that they teach in English Medium. They spoke in their regional language all the time and only the equations written on blackboard was in english. Text book questions were in english and the explanations given in classroom were all in Telugu. I did not understand shit. It was a nightmare, I am a guy who listens what is being taught in the classroom and lesser of someone who reads books on his own. I would sit there watching out the window all day long, slowly the teachers also got to know that I can not speak their language and they could not really help it. They could not speak mine either. A couple of teachers tried and their classes were helpful. So 2/5 classes were what I understood. Each class was approximately 2 hours long so I was a dead ass for 6 hours straight every day! LOL

It wouldn’t require a genius to guess that kids also spoke Telugu only, a few of them knew Hindi and a few knew English but it was really hard to have a conversation. The conversations basically lasted 1-5 minutes depending on how much of entertainment they needed from my situation. :P

Half a year passed away like that and I was doing bad on those three subjects. I often complained to principal but he wouldn’t change the teachers just for one guy, specially when the rest of the class is fine with it. So I just sat there, people came to know about a guy who was called U.P. in whole college. Bruh, I was famous. Teachers also called me U.P. now, since my name is a tough one for most people I meet anyways. I had no issues with a nickname.

Then I met a guy who could speak Hindi-English-Punjabi-Telugu. ALL FLUENT! I was so glad to have a conversation with someone for that long, we shared gaming interests and we both came from same kind of schooling before arriving at this school. It felt like a miracle, I’d never met someone there who could connect to me that way.

But before I met this guy, I was alone. And in these six or seven months of loneliness - I learned to write whatever happened in my diary. It was a great thing to do, it felt like I’m talking to someone/myself. It made my heart lighter, sometimes happier too. I was not always sadistic but yes I was awfully quiet and had none to talk.

This habit of mine didn’t leave me, I carried it on for a long time. From my point of view that 1-1.5 years of writing was long time. My parents also had to leave the city as the transfer failed after 8 months of hard work and he was offered a new position back in the same city we came from. I was living there on my own and it was good experience. I was doing things on my own that people my age do not generally have to do. It was a great time and all of it had to be written down.

My school days finished, I came back to the old city and I got busy with a lot of people and lost my writing habit. I always tried to pick my diary up and write something but I never got back to the consistency I had.

Almost 7 years have passed since then and I am now trying to write my heart out on this blog of mine.

This is how it began and this is why I write. :)

Let’s go! Target is 1 Heart/Note. LOL

[cultofbeatles]

beginners guide to the beatles

 made one of these a long time ago but i'm surprised by how short it was. so here we go again. doing it right this time lol. 

pov: you told a bad joke and now the beatles are judging you. 

john winston lennon. later in his life known as john winston ono lennon. 

born on october 9, 1940 

i believe in astrology bc how does john just happen to be a libra 

when john was four he started living with his aunt mimi who acted more as his mother figure 

his mother, julia, remarried and would visit him quite a bit.

it was julia who taught john how to play banjo and piano. and she bought his first guitar.

they both had a deep love for music and rock n roll 

he never really thought of her as his mother but more as a cool friend i suppose 

aunt mimi was more rough on him and did the disciplining 

his father was never really present growing up and his uncle passed away when he was young 

he thought he was a curse for the men in his family 

he had five half siblings. two of them, julia and jacqueline, he was pretty close to. the other three he barely knew. 

fashion icon.

hated school but loved art 

very early on he was insecure with himself 

teachers always shit on him and said he would go nowhere in life 

he met paul at a church fete on july 6, 1957 

paul taught him how to play guitar properly.

once told paul that he didnt know how paul carried on after his mother died bc he just didn't think he could do it 

john’s mother died from being hit by an off duty policemen. john was seventeen at the time. 

 he took her death really hard and became a bit of a recluse. 

first serious relationship was with cynthia (we stan her) 

once cynthia cut her hair short and he didn't talk to her for two days. 

hate men. kill all men. 

when he asked her to dance at a party she turned him down saying that she was engaged, and so he said “well i didn't ask you to fucking marry me, did i?” 

slapped her once bc he was drunk and another boy was talking to her.

only time her hit her.

read cynthia’s books about john pls. i beg. 

once a psychic told him that he would be shot in the states.

founder of the beatles and also came up with the name.

instruments he could play: guitar, harmonica, rhythm guitar, banjo, keyboard, piano, saxophone, bass guitar, and a little drums. 

main songwriter in the beatles along with paul.

was more open minded to change in the beatles music. 

was insecure in his relationship with paul after a while bc he thought he only needed him for songwriting. 

would bitch about paul all day long but the second anyone else said something about him he’d be on their ass. 

had a lot of issues and needed a good hug. 

suffered from eating disorders, drug addictions, depression, insecurities, and questioned his sexuality bc of the time. 

was super open minded and ahead of his time in many instances. 

once he was called “the fat beatle” and after that he stopped eating as much.

truly loved his first son, julian lennon, and would buy him presents all the time bc he was excited to see him play with them.

“your famous ex husband”

he enjoyed playing monopoly. 

he once claimed that he saw a ufo.

he had written three books but he always wanted to write a children's book.

 the last song he ever performed in front of a live audience was “i saw her standing there.” with elton john.

he was afraid of the dark. 

found out later in his life that he was dyslexic. 

was also legally blind without glasses.

never could catch a break huh.

said that his best lyric ever was “all you need is love” i agree.

the first time yoko and john met was not at her art exhibit but actually when she approached him about giving away songs for free.

wanted to write a musical with paul. 

once a friend dared him to masturbate ten times in one day and he managed to do it nine times.

would hold circle jerks with paul and a few other friends. 

just dudes being dudes. 

went on a holiday with brian epstein, who was gay, and told some people afterward that they did certain sexual things. but we will never know for sure.

yoko says that john was bisexual.

once in an interview he said that he would of married a rich man or woman if he wasn't in the beatles. 

hated his voice on records. would always ask for effects on his voice for final recordings. 

made a film with yoko where it was just his penis going from flaccid to erect for fifteen minutes in slow motion. 

only beatle not to of become a vegetarian while he was alive. 

murdered on december 8, 1980.

gave his autograph earlier in the day to the man who would murder him.

died at the age of 40.

“all my loving” was played while he was at the hospital.

and its spooky bc a lot of times in interviews he would say “when i'm 40..” 

and it’s sad bc he was finally becoming who he truly wanted to be. 

honorable john moments that i love:

“thanks for the purpler hearts” he says while receiving the silver heart 

“you are the first person from liverpool that i've ever seen” “great”

eric lennon on my mind today 

this come together performance where he messed up the lyrics lol

that interview where paul was sick and john keep checking on him 

john lennon speaking nothing but facts 

when he said that he could see the beatles going separate ways but that they'd always come back together.

SHUT UP 

“shut up while he’s talking..”

this interview breaks my heart sometimes 

and this interview is great as well 

sir james paul mccartney 

born on june 18, 1942

if you ever have spare time just check out this man’s natal chart. 

idk how he’s still alive with his chart tbh. 

he has a younger brother named mike and a step sister named ruth. 

his dad thought he was the ugliest baby he’d ever seen when he was born. 

when he was young paul would kill frogs in a way to prepare himself for the war if he ever was drafted. 

the first instrument he ever learned to play was the trumpet.

I don't even want to list every instrument this man can play but trust me when I say it’s a lot.

but for the beatles he mainly did bass, vocals, and piano. sometimes playing the guitar and the drums.

the beatles was just paul moving really, really fast. 

he lost his mother when he was 14 due to surgery for breast cancer.

never really learned how to cope well with loss of a loved one tbh. 

had the cutest chubby cheeks as a kid tbh 

met john and was accepted into his band 

sometimes they'd ditch school together and either work on music or would visit art galleries.

went to paris with john and john bought him all the banana milkshakes that he wanted.

connected over their love and admiration for music, and bc they had both lost their mothers. 

had a girlfriend’s mom who he would make comb his leg hairs. 

was an ass to his first girlfriend.

kill all men again. 

almost had to marry his girlfriend dot bc she was pregnant, but she ended up losing the baby.

was the one who introduced george harrison to john.

practically despised pete best and stuart stutcliffe bc they were bringing the group down. 

got arrested along with pete best bc they lit a condom on fire in hamburg.

still felt awful and a little guilty when stuart died suddenly. 

main force behind the beatles imo. 

without him we’d have not as much beatles music as we do. 

was dating jane asher throughout majority of the sixties. 

when they first met they talked about syrup and paul fell in love.

they broke things off after she walked in on him sleeping with another woman though.

directed magical mystery tour and it was amazing and I don't care what anyone says ok?

when john divorced cynthia he was the only one not scared of john and went against his wishes of not speaking to cynthia.

was a little controlling at times. 

has a good heart though. 

mal evans had to drive him home once after a beatles sessions bc he was crying so hard. 

was talking about getting the band back to touring when john said he was leaving the group. 

everyone kind of turned against him when the beatles were breaking up and i hate it.

he just wanted what was best for the band.

married linda and had a nice little farm. 

we love that story.

linda i'm free thursday if you want to hang out pls.

started up the whole “no meat monday” thing where you don't eat monday on mondays

food meat. not the other kind of meat.

children: james mccartney, stella mccartney, heather mccartney, mary mccartney, and beatrice mccartney. 

rip martha. 

WINGS!! 

he lost linda in 1998 due to cancer.

 cried for a whole year bc of it.

still has dreams about john and says they're nice.

wrote a sad song about john called “here today.”

really loved john. like..he truly, genuinely did. 

want someone to love me like paul does john. 

“think of me every now and then old friend.”

honorable paul moments:

his story about george’s dad 

“john? he was beautiful. very beautiful.”

humpty dumpty rap 

another story about him and george.

his google search video that I watch every week 

this 

george harrison 

born: February 24, 1943 

or at least we think 

bc he use to say that his birthday was february 25, but later started saying it february 24. 

why can't we change our birthdays its not like we picked it 

he was the youngest child.

baby of the family and of the beatles awwww

two older brothers named harry and peter. one older sister named louise.

when george’s mom was pregnant with him she’d play sitar music.

his mom was super supportive of his career choice 

when he was 16 he worked as an electricians apprentice.

his dad kind of hoped he would start a family business out of it.

george said nah

would ride the bus opposite way of his house just to spend time with paul 

headbutted a kid bc he didn't think they were worthy of paul’s friendship 

was brought into the band bc of paul insisting to john 

would follow john around like a lost puppy when he first met him 

once had an eight hour erection. don't ask me how idk he said it.

was 17 when he lost his virginity and the other band members were in the room watching and cheered him when he finished 

most sex craved beatle tbh 

once walked into a girls dressing room and asked if they could stand there so he could masturbate 

he was the first beatle to go to america 

got a black eye for defending ringo once 

would make john and paul take turns sharing rooms with ringo when he first joined the band so that he felt more welcomed 

when ringo left during the white album and then came back george decorated the studio with flowers for him 

during the beatles first recording session he told george martin that he didn't like his tie

became a vegetarian at 22 

favorite candy was jelly beans and purple was his favorite color 

used the phrase “grotty” in the hard days night movie, hated it, but everyone else picked up on the slang 

met his first wife, pattie boyd, on the set of a hard days night 

was turned down by her at first 

they married in 1966

wouldn't let her do modeling stuff and was kind of an ass 

a stylish couple but not the best image for a healthy relationship 

got into eastern religion around 1965 

during the Hamburg days he would eat chicken on stage 

had an affair with ringo’s first wife maureen 

got a divorce from pattie in 1977

in 1978 he married olivia who he stayed with until his death and had one son with. dhani.

was the first beatle to hit a number one single and album. 

was buddies with led zeppelin

inspired their “rain song” 

smashed a piece of cake on john bonham’s head and then was thrown into the pool by him 

he financed and produced films. had a production company.

tom petty said that george never shut up once you started talking to him 

but he was often referred to as “the quiet beatle”

formed another band called the traveling wilburys

he’d answer questions online in the 2000′s and it’s the cutest thing ever and his answers break my heart too.

“what do you miss most about john lennon?” “john lennon.”

in 1999 a schizophrenic person broke into his house and stabbed him 40 times 

thank god olivia was there bc she was the only braincell in the room 

had to get a part of his lung taken out 

died november 29, 2001 from lung cancer 

ashes were scattered into the ganges river 

honorable george moments:

this interview he did with ringo 

“i'm sad bc i can't play guitars with john anymore. but i did that...i know we’ll meet again some day.”

when he invented reaction videos 

“the wind was blowing.” “..blowing my girl?”

“what kind of girl do you like?” “john’s wife.”

sir richard starkey aka ringo starr 

born on july 7, 1940 

oldest member in the group 

has no siblings 

naturally was left handed but his grandma thought it was bad luck so he writes right handed, and plays drums with a right handed kit 

but does everything else left handed

when he was 6 he fell into a two month coma 

was a very sick child 

when he was 13 he was in the hosiptal for tuberculosis and formed a hospital band 

grew up poor 

loves and looked up to his stepfather a lot 

his step father bought him his first drum kit in 1957

wasn't that great in school bc he missed so much of it from being so sick 

he worked for a britain railway for a while 

also served drinks on a day boat for a job 

loves dancing 

Rory storm and the hurricanes 

got his nickname from all the rings he would wear

replaced pete best as the beatles drummer 

dealt with people hating him for a bit bc they liked pete more 

had to style his hair in a bowl cut to be in the band and i'm still mad at them for making him do that shit 

ringo i'm so sorry 

george martin didn't really like his drumming and had a session drummer come in for the first album 

in 1964 he had tonsillitis, pharyngitis, and high fever all at once and had to be in the hospital for a bit.

was worried the beatles would replace him for good 

he’s a cancer don't worry

was the first beatle to try weed 

drummers always go first huh 

married his first wife, maureen, in 1965 

she kissed paul, ringo, and george.

what a champ

honeymoon was ruined by reporters 

was really insecure in his relationship and needed a lot of reassurance 

had a great relationship with pretty much all the beatles 

but a great one with john 

john felt his most relaxed when he was with ringo

was once in a movie with roger daltrey 

divorced maureen in 1975 

his wife now is barbara bach who he married in 1981 

had alcohol problems 

once gotten so drunk that he beat barbara so badly that he thought he killed her 

put himself into rehab after that 

barbara lowkey looks like jan from the office 

children: zak, lee, and jason

zak is the drummer for the band the who 

peace and love 

but don't send me fan mail anymore 

peace and love 

ringo starr and the allstar band (starting 1981)

was the narrator for thomas the tank engine 

will play at paul’s concerts sometimes now for fun 

mad bc he came on stage during paul’s last concert show and it was on my birthday and I couldn't go to it 

honorable ringo moments:

“do you want me to come with you?”

stupid barbara walters 

talking about paul 

giving us a little dance 

[twoidiotwriters1]

🍇 Bucky and reader listening to Fearless (Taylor's version)

We just realized we haven’t been tagging people in the blurbs we’re making, no wonder why no one’s reading them JDSJDSJ SORRY -Danny

 This was a great idea so we did two versions, lol. Mine’s under the cut -Val

(Danny’s version)

“So she dated Joe Jonas, but she broke up with her over the phone?”

“Yeah.”

“And this song is about that?”

“Yup.”

“My God, poor woman,” Bucky leans back on the couch, eyes fixed on the ceiling. “I hate men.”

“Don’t we all?” You tilt your head to face him. “And now she’s rerecording her albums because another man stole her work.”

Bucky shakes his head. “In my times we were gentlemen, I don’t know what happened to the kids nowadays, they’re a bunch of little assholes...”

“In your times there was no phone, grandpa,” You snort, “and men would constantly take the credit for women’s work. You just didn’t know it because women had no voice to speak against you.”

“What do you mean you had no voice? Carter was there!”

“Yeah, and she was still disrespected sometimes,” You raise a brow.

“Alright, alright, I’m not gonna start the ‘not all men’ argument, I’m not an idiot,” Bucky makes a vague motion with his hand. “Now shut up and let me listen to Taylor.”

“I thought you only liked 40′s music?” You tease.

“Taylor is timeless, baby.”

"How was your date?" Wanda asks as soon as she sees (Y/N) enter the room. Wanda, Clint, and Natasha are sitting on the couches in front of the television.

(Val’s version)

The girl sighs and sits in an individual armchair.

"Good, I guess."

"Oh-oh. That bad?" Clint asks turning off the tv.

"But you and Trevor have a lot in common and he's a gentleman!" Nat says with a frown. "I thought you would be a nice couple..."

(Y/N) growls sinking her body into the couch.

“Damn it, I thought he was the one. His eyes were beautiful,” adds Wanda.

"Yes, Yes. He’s beautiful, chivalrous,” She thinks for a few minutes and laughs a little. “He’s sensitive and so incredible...” She sings, “He says everything I need to hear, and it's like I couldn't ask for anything better...”

The others look at her confused by the change of mood and the melody.

“He opens up my door and I get into his car, and he says,‘You look beautiful tonight’ and I feel perfectly fine...”

"I don't get it," Clint whispers to the girls.

(Y/N) ignores them, she gets up from the couch and continues singing as she walks to her room. The volume of her voice increases in the chorus.

"But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain — And it's 2:00 a.m. and I'm cursing your name! So in love that you act insane! And that's the way I loved YOU!"

Bucky gets out of his room when he recognizes the voice. (Y/N) moves strangely while singing.

"Breakin 'down and coming undone! It's a roller coaster kinda rush —And I never knew I could feel that much — And that's the way I loved you! " The girl points at him and goes into her room, closing the door behind her.

Bucky frowns.

"Hey, Bucky" Wanda greets him, coming to his side. "You heard her?"

"Uh, yeah – what's going on?"

"I'm not sure. We just asked her how her date went and then she started singing."

Hearing the word date, Bucky stiffens but tries his best not to change his expression.

"You should talk to her," says the redhead.

***

"Why do you decide to attack me now?" Tony growls.

"Nobody is talking to you, Tony," says (Y/N).

"Yeah, we're just counting on how many women you were with before Pepper," says Wanda laughing.

"I feel attacked."

"Ok then, after the blonde from Vanity Fair," Wanda points out looking at Pepper.

"Uh, I think he tried to flirt with Natasha when she was undercover," All of them laugh.

“Couldn't you think of anything other than sex, Stark?"

"Oh sure. As if you don't want the same. I don't force anyone, girls,” He argues. “Also, I always made sure they had their clothes clean and sent someone to take them home. I’m not a monster."

Pepper and Wanda laugh out loud and the man looks at them confused.

"Oh, it's like that song, (Y/N)!" says Pepper.

"Mr. ‘Insincere apology so he doesn't look like the bad guy’ He goes about his day

Forgets he ever even heard my name... Well, I thought you might be different than the rest, I guess you're all the same!” The girl sings.

"Hey, whose song is that?"

"What? Reminds you of someone?" Wanda jokes.

"Hello Mr.‘ Perfectly fine’! How's your heart after breakin 'mine? Mr. ‘Always at the right place at the right time,’ baby — Hello Mr. 'Casually cruel' Mr. ‘Everything revolves around you’! I've been Miss 'Misery' since your goodbye...”

“And you're Mr. 'Perfectly fine'!” Now all three sing at the same time.

Tony snorts and walks away.

"I love when he reacts like this," says Pepper.

**

"Barnes!" Bucky moves the book out of his hands and looks at Tony.

"Now what?"

"What the heck is happening to the girls?"

"Why are you asking me?"

“Oh, I know that (Y/N) is behind all this and now the others are on her side, singing and laughing and attacking me. I don't like it,” He ends.

“And why don't you go to her and ask her to stop? I don't understand why you expect me to talk to her."

“Don't be silly now Barnes, we all know that she has you wrapped around her little finger. So fix this!"

"What? That’s not true!” Bucky defends himself feeling his cheeks burn.

"Fix.This.Now"

***

“There's something 'bout the way... The street looks when it's just rained —There's a glow off the pavement, You walk me to the car And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there, In the middle of the parking lot, Yeah... Oh yeah,” Bucky listens from the other side of the door. He knocks twice and the voice stops.

"Hey, Buck," says (Y/N) her hair is in a bun, she wears a white shirt and shorts. Her breathing is heavy, but she greets him with a huge smile.

"Hey, are you ok?"

"Yeah, I was just-" she points to her room.

"Singing," He smiles, "I noticed."

She blushes a little.

"Uh, what’s up?" She leans against the frame.

“Uh, nothing important, I just wanted to- uh. Talk to you.”

"Okay," she lets him pass and they both sit on her bed. “What do you want to talk about? Another nightmare?"

"No," he fidgets. "The others asked me to talk about something you've done."

She frowns but understands immediately. She rolls her eyes.

"It was Tony, right?"

“Also Clint and Natasha. At first, they didn't tell me anything, but since the time you made Steve flustered and nervous with a song, they asked me to."

She laughs out loud, he does too, it was quite funny to see his friend so red.

“I don't understand what's wrong with it. They’re only songs!"

“Maybe it's the fact that they’re very specific, I don't know. It doesn't bother me either,” He confesses.

"Really?"

They both look directly into each other's eyes.

"Of course not. You have a beautiful voice."

She blushes again.

"Uh, thanks," she laughs nervously. "Do you want to hear more?"

Bucky nods and she connects her phone to her speaker and the song ‘You Belong With me’ starts playing.

Bucky is silent, listening to the music and lets out a laugh when he recognizes that it is the same one that she had sung to Steve. (Y/N) couldn't be happier hearing Bucky laugh.

"Who sings?" He asks. The girl lowers the volume.

“Her name is Taylor Swift. This was one of her first albums, but she has been recording them again due to some problems she had,” She smiles.

"I like it — and it's incredible how you manage to use the songs for any situation,"

She stares at him for a few seconds. She has an idea, but she’s afraid that maybe Bucky doesn't understand it or that he might even make fun of her. But at the same time, she thinks about the lyrics of the song and knows that it is the right one.

"I can think of one for this moment, do you want to hear it?"

"Of course."

She selects the song but keeps the volume low so Bucky can hear her voice.

"It's the one I was listening to before you came in," She adds. She skips the parts as she watches Bucky focus on the lyrics.

"But you're just so cool... Run your hands through your hair,” She brushes Bucky' hair and he stares.

"Absentmindedly makin ' me want you — And I don't know how it gets better than this... You take my hand and drag me head first, Fearless — And I don't know why

But with you I'd dance in a storm, In my best dress —Fearless."

"Wait," Bucky interrupts.

"I feel safe with you, Buck," She says before he can say anything else. "I know there are more songs in which I could tell you how I feel about you, but listening to it... my mind always goes to you. I'm fearless around you. And that's something very useful, you know, because of our work—"

Bucky's lips against hers prevent her from continuing. The kiss is slow, neither realizes that there’s now another background song. Bucky pulls her into sitting on his lap, holds her by the waist, and when they part they’re short of breath. They both smile.

"Can you sing more for me, please?" Bucky whispers into her lips.

"Of course. I have a lot of material,” She jokes.

Requests are still open!

Marvel Taglist.

@poetryislife0715 @skittles-skittles @lauramacch @hufflepuffzutara @yourbonesareinmybody @silenthappyplace  @i-am-scared-and-useless-bisexual @just-here-to-escape-from-reality​

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #392

“l.a. is where stars come to die”

Do you think there’s anything you did better when you were younger? I think I was a better writer, honestly. Like I've developed in some areas, like being less over-dramatic, but I just think my creativity in wording and such has dulled down. Who was the craziest teacher you’ve ever had? I've never had a "crazy" teacher, honestly. What’s the last thing you got paid to do? Take pictures. What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for someone else? How should I know? Ask either Jason or Sara. Have you ever wanted to model? No. Have you ever seen someone have a seizure? I THINK my sister? Teddy had seizures in his old age, too. What’s your favorite car? I don't have one, really. Do you know any HTML or CSS? If yes, how much? I know veeeeery little basics. LIke, I can change the color of shit and that's about it lmao. Do you tend to care about the lives of celebrities? Why or why not? Only celebrities I really really care about, like Mark. What do you think of the scene style? #aesthetic and I will ALWAYS be envious of the hair. Have you ever told an extremely inappropriate joke? Oh god, I remember one. What is the highest you have been up, other than in an airplane? On a certain faire ride, I wanna say. Is there any hope of you ever seeing your favorite band in concert? Ozzy does want to do another tour at some point, but he's fighting Parkinson's currently, so it's not guaranteed it will happen. Mom and I planned on going to his last one that was scheduled, but the diagnosis cancelled it. :( What is your favorite non-green vegetable? Uhhhhh I guess potatoes. What is your favorite non-traditional fruit? I don't think I've even had a non-traditional fruit. Just basic stuff. Have you ever had Swedish Fish? Yeah, I'm not a fan. What is your favorite origami shape? Birds, I guess. Do you usually take the stairs or the elevator? I pretty much always take an elevator if one's available because my legs can barely handle stairs at all. It's agonizing for me. Do you need a key card to get into the building you live in? No. What was the last takeout food you had? I had a burger from McDonald's a few days ago. Do you take the pickle off your burgers? No, I love pickles on burgers. Do you share a bed with anyone? Just my cat. If you’ve read or watched Harry Potter, which book/movie is your favorite? I haven't. What’s the last app you downloaded on your phone? I re-installed DragonVale. What do you know the most about? Meerkats, Markiplier, and Silent Hill, probably. What TV shows can you not stand? What's that stupid show on Adult Swim, Rooster Teeth or something like that? That shit was so dumb. Have you ever tasted your own tears? I mean not intentionally. Sometimes tears just fall down a spot where it happens. Are your legs hairy? I can almost guarantee to you that I probably have the hairiest legs of any woman you've ever met. Do you like Cheese-Itz? I love them! We don't really buy them though because both Mom and I can destroy a box of them. Have you ever built a sandcastle? I have. Did you ever watch Barney as a child? Yeah, I loved Barney, but not as much as my older sister. She literally "married" him, haha. Have you ever had a pet rabbit? No, but my older sis did as a kid. That poor thing died and Ashley didn't know for THREE DAYS. Mom took it out earlier and I guess she wanted to see how long it took Ash to notice? She didn't take great care of it, so. Are you wearing anything of any sentimental value? Describe? Yes, my friendship ring with Sara. To you, what is especially distracting? Tapping noises. When was the last time you did some major cleaning? MAJOR cleaning? Good question. How do you feel about people who neglect their pets? It sickens me. Have you ever contemplated cheating on anyone? Nope. When are you likely to lie? Probably when I don't want to seriously hurt someone. What is a personality type that you do not like? I hate people who think they know everything, are unwilling to acknowledge their flaws and work on them, feel they're better than others, are closed-minded, sexist, bigoted, racist... What is a personality type that you DO like? I am drawn to people who are empathetic and try to understand and consider more than just themselves, are caring and genuine, philosophical and think deeply, are calm, friendly, good listeners, and have a light sense of humor. Which of your friends is the least like you? In what way? I actually don't know. MAYBE Mini with her being extremely conservative to a frustrating degree and overwhelmingly religious. We diverge pretty strongly in beliefs that are important to me. How about the most like you? In what way? Sara! We have incredibly similar interests and morals, and we both are wild over animals. When was the last time you felt under-appreciated? I'm gonna be completely transparent here, even though it's uncomfortable to admit. I was very unhappy with the literally two interactions a poem I was really proud of got on dA. Like it was one I was trying to get published prior to just posting it there, so it was really disappointing to feel so overlooked when you worked hard on something you felt came out great. Does anyone take advantage of you or take you for granted? No. Are you taking anyone for granted? I sure as hell hope no one feels like I do. I definitely try to appreciate those I have to the utmost. What is one selfish thing that you do? I prioritize my alone time probably too much. How about something selfless? I'm pretty much always willing to listen to people's hardships and comfort them even if my own mental health is in poor condition. What do you like to do on your favorite holiday? Just be with family and really focus on how lucky I am to have them. What helps you fall asleep? I guess really paying attention to slowing my breathing, but that doesn't always work. It takes me at LEAST half an hour to fall asleep, so I struggle no matter what. Is there anyone you wish you were still friends with now? Megan. I really, really miss her. What is a fear you want to overcome? SOCIAL ANXIETY. UGH. What is something you do not like about yourself, with good reason? I'm lazy. What do you usually cry about? PTSD. Do you like pizza better on the second day? No. What do you like on your pancakes? Butter and normal syrup. Have you ever made up your own emoticon? I don't think so. How do you generally meet people? Online in one way or another. Have you ever seen a Broadway show in New York? No. Are you listening to music right now? Yeah, "God Hates Your Outfit" by Jeffree Star lmao. Look, it's catchy. Can anyone in your immediate family play the guitar? No. Have you ever wished to be an internet celebrity? How about a ‘real’ one? No. Like I've actually *loosely* considered trying to be a let's player with my love of games, but I don't even want to *risk* popularity; not that I think I'd get to that point, but still, I don't like the chance. Have you ever been kayaking? No. Do you still live with your parents? Yes. Do you believe you will never get over someone? I think Jason will always occupy at the very least a small corner of my mind. I just deal with loss so poorly in general, but that... that breakup was something. What do you order at Burger King? I don't like BK. Have you ever lived by yourself? No. Pretty sure I never could with my depression. What brand cell phone do you have? It's just a Tracfone, lol. Did you ever have a ‘security blanket’ when you were younger? Yes, my stuffed moose. What is your lucky charm? I don’t have one. Have you ever been in a wedding? Yeah, I was a bridesmaid in my sister's. Do you believe in yourself? ehhhhhh What time does your dad usually wake up in the morning? I don't live with him, so I can't say for sure. He's a mailman though, so he gets up early, I know. Who was the last person/people you were in a car with? Mom. What movie do you plan on watching next? I've been meaning to watch Jacob's Ladder for like... over a year, lmao. It served as an inspirational work for Silent Hill, and I know its reputation is brilliant, so I really want to see it. I just... don't really watch movies unless I'm in the theater. When something really scares you, what’s your immediate reaction? Gasp or go "what the fuck" or something along those lines. I can almost promise a curse word is coming out of my mouth, lol. Using song lyrics, say something to your most recent ex: I don't wanna get emotional digging through the songs that remind me of her, so pass, lol. You can only watch 4 TV shows for the rest of your life. What are they? Meerkat Manor, That '70s Show, maybe Pokemon even if I don't watch it anymore (it could be like a comfort show if I'm limited to four), aaaaand I think Ginga Densetsu Weed. Do you think it’s possible for a rap song to make you cry? ... Yes??? There are a couple that have for me. Does the idea of having a baby at your age scare you? I'm not having kids, sooo I don't have to worry about this. What band has the power to make you cry by splitting up? None. I'd be really upset if some did, but I wouldn't cry. Who is your favourite famous person who isn’t a singer, actor, or athlete? Well, I WOULD say Mark, but considering he's officially an actor now... guess not, haha. Uhhhh. Put him aside and I guess maybe Bindi Irwin. I'm not sure.

[non-sequitura]

Non-sequitura Disney in-depth analysis (after making a tier list)

Warning: SUPER longform. If you don’t know a movie well, you should skip the summary. I tried to be light on spoilers, but they’re there.

I went chronologically from favorite to least favorite. So S tier is, in order from fave to least fave, The Incredibles, WALL-E, then Zootopia.

S tier (Something I consider high quality AND a movie I greatly enjoy. I would love more Disney movies be like this.)

The Incredibles - one of my favorite movies of all time, possibly THE favorite. Rockin social commentary, epic action scenes, memorable characters, not a minute of screentime wasted, great take on the Fantastic Four, hilarious parts for both adults and children, an interesting villain, etc. 

WALL-E - I love how social commentary was done here. Also skies above, what a beautiful love story. Really blazed a trail in non-verbal storytelling (especially given it was an animated kids film!) Robot animations are particularly delightful. 

Zootopia - another social message delivered excellently and entertainingly. I love Judy and her persistence, I love the expressiveness of the faces and the epic city setting. I love Judy and Nick's banter. This movie deserves to be remembered longer than it has been so far. Admittedly, not one of my fave villains, which makes it my least favorite of the Ss. 

A tier (either super high quality or something I greatly enjoy and deem of at least reasonably good quality)

Mulan - this movie did everything right. Truly feminist protagonist, an icon for strong Asian women, fairly culturally accurate (tho Mushu confuses me), GORGEOUS and iconic music. Lets a relatively natural romance develop. I frickin love the action scenes, I love the emporer. Sadly, this movie just didn't lodge its way in my heart as well as Pixar did. Pixar just has some magic, yo. 

Cinderella - my gosh what an underrated protagonist. Her family straight-up abuses her and she never loses sight of her goals for a better life. Iconic visuals helped bring Disney out of bankruptcy. A gorgeous alto singing voice. 

Wreck-it Ralph - alright alright ppl don’t crucify me for this. I honestly can’t think of much wrong with this movie. Vanellope and Ralph’s vitriolic best buds relationship is adorable, her forgiveness of him is heartwarming and (relatively) deserved, rockin’ Owl City song, epic visuals that mix together bc of all the different games. ALSO ONE OF THE BEST DISNEY VILLAINS NO CAP. One of the only twist villains I like. And we stan the romantic pairing. 

Tangled - I’ve talked about this a lot, but Rapunzel deserved the whole world after what she’s gone through. That being said, Gothel is not some shallow monster she needs to escape from, but an intelligent, well-defined monster with backstory. I could totally see this story happening if the world of Tangled existed. Epic love story, hilarious dialogue. Music is… good but much of it is less memorable to me. Visuals are good but not quite at the level/creativity of many other disney films. 

The Lion King - they really put Hamlet in Africa and pulled it off lol. But in all seriousness, no one took the premise of this film seriously at the time and it became sooo iconic. I love Scar and his eventual downfall, I love how Simba grows emotionally, I love the sad moments that don’t overpower the overall feeling of light goofiness. And music so memorable it was one of the first Disney musicals. 

Coco - not a super unique story premise. But an incredible culture to explore with such creativity and sensitivity. I love the themes of death not being the worst and music being so central to the story. Twist/twist villain was memorable and not expected. And yeah, it did make me cry, so props there. 

Ratatouille - the most recently watched of these films for me. This movie is soooo unique! Back when Pixar was truly super out there with their concepts. Super Parisian visuals and soundtrack. It somehow starts goofy (THE OLD LADY TRIES TO KILL REMY WITH A SHOTGUN WHILE WEARING A GAS MASK) but really drives home the message that you can truly do what you want regardless of who you are. Colette can get it. And the monologue by Ego at the end is one of my favorites in film. 

Frozen - Anna is one of my favorite Disney protagonists. She’s so resilient and loyal. Elsa ain’t bad either but she experiences… less character development. The film is a tad too pleased with its own self-awareness for my taste, but there’s no denying how iconic the music and visuals were. 

Inside Out - Alright, this movie hits home for me bc I tried to run away after moving. A super thoughtful, heartfelt depiction of (potentially depression? imo) with great moments of humor. Riley’s inner world is so creative and lovely. Also realistic depictions of Minnesota/California culture. 

Tarzan - Jane! is! smart! and! adorable! Her scientific curiosity makes her very endearing. it’s so cute to see her and Tarzan learn from each other. Also Tarzan’s “found mother” is epic. Solid score. Solid film all around. To quote Lily Orchard, “This film is what Pocahontas tried to be.” 

B tier (one of my favorites but has a few significant flaws that bring it down (or not quite as memorable to me, but consider good quality))

Peter Pan - Haven’t seen it in a hot sec, but I remember being super charmed by this as a kid. Just going out, having incredible adventures, and returning to a warm home at the end of the day. Tinker Bell is hilarious and beautifully drawn. Gets major negative points for the depiction of Native Americans tho. 

Big Hero 6 - I was super charmed by the protagonist, his family/friends, and the setting. The plot/villain’s motivations are a bit of a mess, though. 

Princess and the Frog - This movie has so much flavor to it! The visuals/music are lovely and unique. Tiana is incredible but it’s kinda annoying how EVERYONE keeps trying to shoehorn her into romance. The thing is, her goals are entirely reasonable. Focus on her restaurant, then look to settle down. But they’re like “nooo you’re ignoring the important things in life” smh. Also, epic villain, woohoo! The movie dragged significantly for me when they were in the bayou. Charlotte is delightful. 

Winnie the Pooh - don’t remember it super well, but I think it was charming and occasionally dark, which is an addictive concoction. 

The Little Mermaid - MAN ppl roast Ariel way more than she deserves. Visually, it was… fine. idk. This movie is good. I don’t have much else to say about it. 

Snow White - the one that started it all. Visually, super impressive. Musically, lovely. I find the romance a bit… off. Well, more than a bit. What is it with Disney and kissing sleeping people? 

Alice in Wonderland - a nerdy acid trip. Right up my alley! I also like films where ppl go on incredible adventures and return to the status quo, but THEY changed bc of it. Epic. SUUUUPER creative visual interpretation of Carroll’s book. Brave - gosh I loooove films where a parent and child learn to understand each other. Never got why ppl hated this movie so much. The Scottish flavor is present and fun. Merida made one mistake and made it up. The arrow scene is iconic. 

Cars - a fun ride! (hahaha puns.) We love seeing Paul Newman as a car. 

B-minus tier? (same as B, but problematic, or weaker story-wise.)

Hunchback - man… settings-wise, this film might be my favorite. I also love Esmeralda and Quasimodo as characters and as a duo (though the sexualized depiction of Romani ppl is not epic.) I also don’t find the discrimination against Esmeralda/Quasimodo jarring bc it matches the time period. Frollo is super interesting as a villain. The gargoyles are… def not necessary. Basically, this film doesn’t know what it’s doing with tone. 

Sleeping Beauty - Aurora was my favorite when I was younger because I thought she was the prettiest, and that still defines how i feel about this, basically. Visually lovely - everything is kind of elongated and gothic. Maleficent is spiteful and epic. I have no issue with the fluffier parts of the movie, like the music or the fairies. RIP for lack of consent being a plot point, though. 

Hercules - Megara is incredible. one of the only Disney “princesses” who acts like an adult and has cynicism as a major part of her personality. I love her and Herc’s progression where she learns to trust him (yes, he is genuinely that sincere, it’s not a front.) Muses are unique, whoever came up with them was high on something and I’m living for it. I just think the plot itself was somewhat unrealistic/ weirdly-paced. There are some memorable songs, some less-than-memorable songs. Art style is cool but I’m personally not a fan. EXTREMELY inaccurate depictions of the original Greek gods. 

C tier (entertaining, but I don't consider it a great movie)

Bolt - I watched this like 11 years ago. It was fun! A cool concept about those put on a pedestal learning their worth even without celebrity boosting them up. Animation was… fine I think. not super memorable to me. 

Frozen 2 - They really took any scrap of character development Elsa had in the first movie, threw it in the garbage and set it on fire. Anna deserved so much better. Songs are bombastic and impressive, have the occasional interesting lyric, but are really weirdly placed and none are quite as iconic as the first movie’s (except Aurora, she does great work here. Also the song Anna sings after she thinks Elsa died.) 

Not a big fan of the vaguely homeopathic theme. Not a big fan of Olaf’s WEIRD character development. Not a big fan of the suuuuuper awkward dialogue and the animations that imply not only that Kristoff is into his reindeer but that Elsa and Anna are into each other (if you’re questioning if they did that, yes, they did, I can find screenshots of some really weird expressions/moments. THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO PANDER TO YOUR WEIRD FANS, DISNEY.) 

The voice actors did great work, the animators did great work (look at the details on their clothes! Look at how Elsa’s posture changes to be more confident! look at how they're animated while they're singing!) Some weird costume/makeup choices that make Elsa look like an aging starlet, but she also has some gorgeous moments so eh. It’s a wash for me. 

They really did not know what to do with Kristoff this movie, huh. The only thing that happened to him was singing a cheesy 90s ballad and marrying Anna, both of which were admittedly epic. Also, the trolls got 0 appearances despite being literally psychic. Probably could have helped with a lot. I'm not a huge fan of lore/worldbuilding, and thee was a lot of it here. Overall neutral on it. 

Also a big theme in this movie I don’t love - **** TANGIBLE CONSEQUENCES TO OUR ACTIONS!!! The danger is Elsa’s death, the elements, colonialism, and Arendelle literally being destroyed. None of those end up playing out, so I was left at the end going “this film had literally no stakes.” 

Monsters U - same as above - entertaining at the time! Not super memorable. The ppl we were supposed to dislike kept switching. Doesn’t really match the canon of Monsters Inc (I thought they were supposed to have known each other since childhood so why did they meet in college?) 

Cars 3 - so apparently, everyone HATED this movie! Fun! I never watched Cars 2 (yes watched Cars 1 if you haven’t been paying attention to this list), but I didn’t think this movie was bad at all. Well-acted, some fun chase scenes, the scene where Lightning fails at driving in the simulation is genuinely hilarious, and some interesting perspectives on teachers getting the spotlight for their skills for once. 

Incredibles 2 - I liked this film at first, but then it was… just okay in retrospect. I love me some good family dynamics. The plot here makes not a lot of sense. THEY BUILT UP THE UNDERMINER FOR NOTHING AND THEN FORGOT ABOUT HIM. I was surprised by the villain swap, but it happened so last minute I never really understood their motivations even after they explained them. Tried to tackle waaaay too many messages. 

D tier (I didn't enjoy these or consider them mediocre)

Finding Dory - Maybe I should have put this higher? Like C tier at least. Ah well. Wasn’t a huge fan of the body/physical comedy (not my thing), but it was entertaining and awww finding family is heartwarming. 

Finding Nemo - I remember nothing about this movie. 

E tier (this film has significant problems)

Beauty and the Beast - *sigh*… I want to love this movie. The score is gorgeous. Visually, they could have made it more distinctly Rococo-era France but didn’t (why?) The voice actors did good work and I think Paige O’Hara is SUPER underrated here. 

The Beast is emotionally manipulative with an awful temper that (for MOST of the movie. He doesn’t change.) That’s the main reason this is in E tier. This movie shaped so many generations of people thinking they can change the behavior of someone who treats them badly through the power of love. But you can’t. She learns to “love” the beast under coercion. It’s not Stockholm syndrome - it’s a trashy romance novel. Big fan of Gaston as a villain. He’s an archetype ppl can recognize and it’s so satisfying to hate him.

F tier (I think this film actively harms the industry and would rather it not have been made. Both the one in E tier could be considered harmful to the industry, but I think they had significant enough artistic accomplishments to scrape above that. I'm also generally a fan of "lack of censorship bc it's better to teach what not to do.")

Pocahontas - this movie took real historical events and romanticized them AND sexualized one of the only Native princesses they’ve had. Boo. Nothing wrong with animation!Pocahontas as a character, it’s just people put her in a story that doesn’t represent history well at all (and these historical events, unlike those in say, 14th-century Germany, had super relevant effects on people alive today.) And they portrayed the Native Americans and colonial settlers as equally in the wrong. (though I like Governor Radcliffe as a potential villain and love the line “see how I glitter.” I can’t NOT laugh when I hear it.) Lovely music, though. Nice animation, but the colors are weirdly… muted? 

Bad Garbage (I don't wish this film had never been made, but I wish I never had to see it.)

Planes - this movie was ridiculous. I remember not much about it except that I kinda hated it and that it was super cheesy with tension one could see right through that immediately resolved itself via one twist or another. 

Haven’t seen tier: Recess, A Bug’s Life, A Goofy Movie, DuckTakes Movie, Lilo and Stitch, Pinocchio (actually i have seen this but I remember nothing about it), The Nightmare before Christmas, Toy Stories 1, 2, and 3, Up, 101 Dalmatians, The Great Mouse Detective, Cars 2, Moana, The Good Dinosaur, Pete’s Dragon, Fantasia, Peter Pan Return to Neverland, Fantasia 2000, The Black Cauldron (read the book, though!), Bambi (or I did and remember nothing about it), The Rescuersm, The Rescuers Down Under, Planes Fire and Rescue, Bambi 2, The Fox & the Found, Oliver and Company, Atlantis, Treasure Planet (I want to, though), Piglet’s Big Movie, The Jungle Book, the Emporer’s New Groove, The Jungle Book 2, Chicken Little, Brother Bear, The Three Caballeros, Pooh’s Heffalump Movie, Dumbo, The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad, Aladdin (seen parts but never the whole thing), Strange Magic, The Sword in the Stone, James and the Giant Peach, Frankenweenie, Lady and the Tramp, Ralph Breaks the Internet, Doug’s 1st Movie, Monsters Inc. (want to, though), Meet the Robinsons, Dinosaur, The Aristocats, Robin Hood, The Tigger Movie, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, that pooh movie at the end without the title on it

-11/21/20

[the-velveteen-victorian]

Elle can you explain what goth is? Google is really inconsistent and I’m having such a difficult time understanding it. When did you find out you were goth?

Definitely! This is a long response just so you are prepared. =) Goth is a music-based subculture. You are correct… Google is not a good resource for discovering what goth is. Unfortunately, a lot of “goth” guide books aren’t either (I know one of them features a lot of emo bands?). First off, let’s just get out of the way what goth is not. Goth is not emo or metal. Avenged Sevenfold, My Chemical Romance, and Pantera are not goth. Goth is not white supremacy. Yes, those of us with naturally pale skin sometimes strive to keep our skin tones light, but goth is a home to people of all skin/hair/eye colors. Anyone who says you can only be a pale, white person is disgusting. Goth is not associated with any religion, philosophy, political inclination, or specific belief system. There are Christian, Hindu, Atheist, New Age, Shinto, Muslim, Republican, Democrat, Green Party, pineapple on pizza, no pineapple on pizza goths. You get my point. =)

Wearing goth fashion does not make someone goth, no matter how great the outfit may be. I (and most goths, elder and younger) define goth as someone who has an intense interest and passion for goth music. That’s it. Sure, most of us will gravitate toward darker aesthetics and like to wear the fashion when we can, but it is absolutely NOT a requirement. That is what google gets so wrong. One of the goth ladies I know spends 80% of her time in scrubs. She loves her job as a nurse practitioner and she has to have a more conservative look while she is working. She can’t wear the fashion more often than a couple times a month. She listens to goth music every day and is super knowledgeable about it. Is she goth? Yes. Conversely, I know a lot of teenagers who are trying to figure out who they are (which is TOTALLY FINE). They actually do a really great job of diy-ing goth looks, but they do not listen to goth music at all. Most of them listen to metal, emo, or country music. Do I consider them goth? No. But I do not judge them for it. Music is about what speaks to you and goth is in no way superior to any other musical taste.

With the rise of “pastel goth” and fashion trends on tumblr/social media, I think a lot of people get misled. This is why it is so important to have some level of contact with the actual goth community. Covid showed us that it is possible to do this online! We can attend online goth nights, get the set lists and analyze goth club music trends from our homes, and have zoom dance sessions! I really love the flexibility and versatility that the pandemic revealed to the goth community… because a lot of goths don’t live in cities with a big goth scene.

How did I discover I was goth? By beautiful accident. =) I was 15, and I struggled to have any level of autonomy or self-expression at all. I grew up in a conservative family (Christian/religious) cult. That rabbit hole runs deep and is a separate story for another time. The point is that I had very limited contact with the outside world apart from my private school, church, and Christian-group violin lessons. However! I received a nano ipod from an extended family member for Christmas one year. I copied a bunch of CD’s from Christian acquaintances at my church and filled the ipod up with the generic contemporary Christian and overstimulating broadway musicals endemic to the culture around me… it was all I had. Then, one day I discovered a goth band. I had no idea they were a goth band. I was obsessed with their sound. I can’t remember which platform I found them on, but I remember I did not have a video with it… so I’m thinking I was on the itunes store. I had chills and for the first time every something felt “right” in the music world for me.

Goth music begets more goth music… Itunes recommended other bands like the one I had found. I only had the money to buy a few albums over the course of a year, but I would retitle the songs and albums as Christian or Disney compilations so that my parents would never suspect what I was listening to (they regularly went through my ipod to make sure I wasn’t listening to anything worldly). One day, I was listening to some of my goth music with another confirmed atheist at my private Christian school and he was like, “OMG I had no idea you were a goth!” I was super confused and was all like, “No, I’m not. I don’t even know what that is…” This guy was a metalhead, but he had a ton of goth friends and he gave me my first thorough education on everything goth. I was 15 at the time, and it was not until nearly 4 years later that I would escape my family and truly come to integrate in the goth community.

Long story short, I started out with the music with no clue about the fashion. I think I was very fortunate in that because it gave me time to develop my musical preferences and tastes without feeling pressured to fit into a tiny little box. Later, when I was free, I did develop a goth wardrobe and (of course) decorated my house in a dark romantic/Victorian style…. But I never felt like those things were vital to who I was as a goth. I’m really thankful for that.

Please understand, that I do not want to erase the incredible goth fashion magicians out there or diminish the hard work someone may put into their personal look or aesthetic. The goth aesthetic is the heartbeat behind the unparalleled, transcendent feeling I have in a goth club or just in my own bedroom. It definitely adds to the experience. All I am saying is that those things alone do not a goth make. I also grew up obsessed with (gothic) Victorian literature... it took me awhile to put 2 and 2 together for that one too lol.

My controversial opinion here is that I do believe that some level of gatekeeping is necessary to keeping goth alive today. Unfortunately, it is an endangered species as subcultures go… this is not because there are not any goths. It is because the mainstream has appropriated it and defined it as fashion ONLY, which then confuses people who go to the surface level of the internet to get answers… which then creates a whole following that erases what goth truly is.

However, I need to explain that when most people refer to gatekeeping, they are talking about bullying. I am defining gatekeeping as providing a definition for the heart of the goth movement and sticking to it. Bullying is never acceptable. Ever. The example I employ a lot utilizes musical genre as an example. Let’s say you put on a Carnifex t-shirt and wear it a lot. But…. You don’t listen to metal because it just is not your sound. You don’t talk to other people about metal music, seek out the aesthetic, have more than 2 songs on your phone with metal music, or (want) to attend metal events. Are you a metalhead? No, of course not. But are you inferior to metalheads because you choose to listen to classical and hip-hop music? No, of course not. Another example: Let’s say you don’t like coffee. You don’t regularly drink it, read about it, or have an interest in it. Are you a coffee enthusiast? No, of course not. Are you inferior to those who do drink coffee? No, of course not. But it would be ridiculous to feel pressured to fit the mold of a coffee enthusiast, right?

It is never wrong to define what something is and to stick to your guns on it as long as you do not cross over into elitist territory, thinking you are better than everyone else. That is the point I want to get across here. Goth fashion does own my heart, but I also sometimes dress in dark academia, cottagecore, dark mori, and even in 80’s retrofuturistic styles when the mood strikes me. It does not change my involvement in the goth community or erase my love for goth music.

Lastly, a question I get a lot (and I have addressed this in previous posts) is, “I am obsessed with goth music… I have a wide knowledge base that I have spent great amounts of time developing and it is my life… but I also like Lil Peep, Lady Gaga, ‘gothic’ metal, and Lana Del Rey. Am I still goth?” The answer is YES. Of course you are! Loving goth music and being obsessed doesn’t mean you can’t like other things. Anyone in the goth community who tells you have to ONLY listen to goth music is full of crap. Eighty percent of my ipod is goth music… I am lucky to have thousands of songs. (And by the way, if you cannot afford a lot of goth music, you are not less goth than the rest of us. Listening for free is just as valid.) The other twenty percent is classical and synthwave/cybersynth/retrowave/darkly inclined/spacewave/video game sountrack/cyberpunk-inspired stuff. Am I any less of a goth for also being obsessed with the retrowave community or for listening to bands that are darkly inclined but not quite goth? No, of course not. Also, you can be darkly inclined without being goth, and that is just as beautiful. =) My husband is darkly inclined and likes some goth music, but he is more involved in the horror community. He is no less valid and freaking awesome than I am.

I hope this makes sense! This is a subject I feel passionate about. Just to recap, the pillars of fashion, gothic literature, and general aesthetics are valid in the goth scene and contribute greatly to the structural integrity of the whole. However, the soul of goth is in the music. I have hearing loss myself and have a couple of friends who are completely deaf who also agree that the music is the soul of goth. The way they engage is by reading the lyrics and even going to goth clubs when they can to dance and feel the beat. =) I think that is beautiful and so amazing. Hearing disabilities do not disqualify you from the goth scene- anyone who says they do is garbage.  

Here are a couple of videos explaining a bit about what goth music actually is. Let me know if you would like more resources! Angela Benedict did a video where she answered the question, “Can you be goth and not like the music?” Her answer is also no. She is a great youtuber to watch because she was there for the 90’s goth scene! It is so fun to hear her stories and learn about the elder goth generations. <3

Goth music is not just goth rock… there are SOOOOO many subgenres under the massive umbrella that is goth. It is a big universe to explore. =) If you would like a list of some of my favorite goth bands AND goth adjacent bands, then I can do a separate post for that- just ask! Thank you for tolerating my info-dumping. =) <3

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKDo_j0O-hA&t=116s – Accumortis on goth music

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGj3CuAeW1w – Angela Benedict on goth music

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zg3HwuFlGeU&t=587s – Angela Benedict on defining goth

[thespiritliving]

Tag me

rules: answer these 30 questions and then tag 20 people you'd like to get to know better.

tagged by: @unadulteratedcolorkid (thank you for tagging me, friend!! i enjoyed reading your answers to this!)

answering below the cut to keep it short

name/nickname: im weird and keep things somewhat private so K will do

gender: lady

star sign: taurus

height: 5' 8"

time: 6pm

birthday: May 13th (born on a Friday the 13th BAYBEE)

favorite bands: Beach House, Lord Huron, Grizzly Bear, Fleet Foxes, Sleeping at Last, there are definitely more but I can’t remember!

favorite solo artists: Phoebe Bridgers, Gregory Alan Isakov, King Princess, Cavetown, Mitski, Sufjan Stevens, idk there’s a lot!

song stuck in my head: alone and sublime by mother mother, but that might change by the time Im done answering this bc my brain radio is strange!

last movie i watched: a documentary about Audrey Hepburn (sister’s choice)

last show: The Challenger documentary series on Netflix (man was that really sad to watch)

when did i create this blog: end of August 2020

what i post: sometimes tlou2 art and comics, songs, idk this blog is kind of a mess, but I appreciate this collection of mess

other blogs: yes I have some but I started over with this one

last thing i googled: where this one garden center near me is located bc I am babysitting lots of plants for the next month

do i get asks: not really, but feel free to ask me things if you want

why i chose my url: it’s a mishear of lyrics from the song “on the sea” by beach house. “Out on the sea we'd be forgiven, our bodies stop the spirit leaving, wouldn’t you like to know how far you’ve got left to go?” I thought it seemed poetic that our bodies stopped the spirit from living, like we are only mortal beings with limitations. Like the soul is more evolved but dumbed down by the mortal part of us. I picked that bc I feel like anonymous internet self gets to live more freely than irl form of me.

following: 108

followers: 66

average hours of sleep: 8 on a good day, but like 5 or 6 usually… I keep odd hours

lucky number: 13 - i’ve got this thought that since I was born on an unlucky day unlucky things are lucky for me

instruments: violin, mandolin, ukulele, I played mallet instruments in marching band in high school idk if that counts

what am i wearing: monty python Spamalot t-shirt and olive green pants

dream trip: start in France see paris, take the Chunnel to see London, and thennnnn take a plane to travel around ireland. Just hopping about Europe! Or Japan. I have relatives in Japan, but I wish I spoke the language so im holding off bc I want to learn Japanese.

favorite food: pasta in many different shapes and ways! It’s the versatility of it. Also cold pasta in the fridge is great snacking food.

nationality: American

last book i read: the last of us graphic novel American Dreams, but I am in the middle of reading “The Rise and Fall of the Dinosaurs: A New History of a Lost World" by Steve Brusatte.

top 3 fictional worlds I'd like to live in: the she-ra world would be pretty cool since there’s no homophobia and there’s magic, Skyrim bc I think the landscape is beautiful and magical, idk any magical place really i’m blanking on fictional worlds lol

favorite color: oscillates between purple and turquoise

If you are comfortable doing this that would be awesome! If you're not that's rad as well.

i think a lot of people were tagged with this but you can say i tagged you if you stumbled upon this and want to do it too!  

[allamericansbitch]

well since y’all asked

everything will be below the cut so people can just ignore this lol

the wild thing is like... everything everyone was saying from both sides makes sense. the good and the bad. i’ll start off with a pro and cons and then do a short track by track

pros:

i agree with what people are saying about how well this style suits her voice, it perfect. it’s smooth and calming but also doesnt stick her in a box and will allow her to kinda move with it and change things up as she sings, which i know she loves to do.

the production is exactly her too. it’s r&b beats with classic strings... liek that’s completely ariana grande. it’s so interesting and it weirdly works well? 

i feel like you can tell she was just in her element making these songs. i feel like she tapped into something that can be so endless for her and new ideas will be constant.

idk if it’s just me adjusting to hearing her sing but her pronunciation is getting a lot better

every song has at least one good and attractive part to it... there are no songs that i am so completely confused as to why it’s on the album.

it’s for sure my favorite era for her in terms of style

also her best album cover (but sweeter is close second) 

cons:

okay... there is a pattern with this album. every song had a really solid start. so many times i was in love with the verses and the melodies she was singing but... my god are the choruses weak. it’s just one line... repeated... like 4 times... then we move on... and i was sitting here like ‘oh that’s what we were building up to?’ and it happened with every song. so i completely agree about it kind of falling flat most of the time.

it’s so repetitive. besides the choruses mostly all being weak, the themes are all the same. like the 14 songs on the album are all about two things: her being horny or her being in love. that’s it. why did we need 14 songs to tell us two things.

another point: why were there 14 songs? so many filler tracks that just add nothing to the album for me. she could’ve honestly made a solid 10 track album and it would’ve been a good clean piece of work. 

the lyrics... oh my god the lyrics. the one thing i saw people saying, both fans of the album and not, was that the lyrics were really bad... liek they had to prepare people. and my god. there were some points that straight up sounded like 14 year old stan accounts arguing on twitter... ‘you sound dumb... shut up’ SHE USED THAT LYRIC AS A HOOK... she thought it was so good it deserved to be the hook like? and also there’s a lyric that just straight up says ‘read a fucking book’ lol. the good or tolerable lyrics are basically ones she already used before on other songs? like how many time's has this woman sung about fucking while watching movies... 

she needs to stop putting out albums so frequently. a lot of the complaints i see people having is just that it doesnt feel finished or polished enough to be an album. like she should have waiting a few months and refined things. it feels like a stepping stone rather than a destination. she doesnt have a clear vision, narrative or purpose driving the album at all. 

track by track

shut up: this was the first taste of bad lyrics like this is the song about being dumb and i fully was like omfg this is the whole song isnt it. i dig the production though.. this might have the best production of the whole album for me. 

34+35: i felt like i was listening to a horny 13 year old boy during the chorus lol. it just felt really immature at some points... like the giggling every time she alluded to 69 wasnt necessary. also the end where she says ‘mean i wanna 69 with ya’..... sweetie you didnt have to tell us we know we can add. i did like the melody of the pre-chorus. the ‘i’ve been drinkin coffee, i’ve been eatin healthy’ is really catchy and good

motive: god i had such high hopes for this. it first started and i loved the production and the prechorus worked really well... but again that chorus weakness really fucked it. and doja’s part doesnt really fit the song for me? it feels out of place and like she should’ve been put on a more upbeat song

just like magic: first song i actually liked and added to my library! i finally heard a good chorus that didnt feel like it completely slowed down the momentum of the song and helped move it along. and the lyrics are cute. i think for me she needs to improve on the difference between a cute lyric and a cringy lyric... like cute: ‘middle finger to my thumb and then I snap it’ and cringy: the rest of the album. also one thing there’s a lyric about her listening to music she wrote and like girl you had 34 writers on this album... what are you listening to two words? every time she brags about writing it’s kinda embarrassing like.... at no point am i impressed

off the table: this production would have been so good.... if it actually did anything else or went anywhere. it stayed the same the entire time.... for 4 minutes. also stop letting men on women’s music because it seriously never works. her vocals are really pretty though.

six thirty: i really like her vocal delivery in this... like kinda dropping off at the end and just starting to talk? it’s interesting. also the chorus really had potential because it actually got bigger and more layered and interesting but again with the one lyric ‘are you down’ repeated like 3 times then the chorus is just over it’s like... oh okay

safety net: again amazing verse delivery and melody... IF SHE TOOK IT ANYWHERE it would have been great. and again with the male features... not necessary. the bridge is cool with them both singing but other than that it feel flat for me. 

my hair: that smooth electric guitar intro is everything. and this sound of this song is so good.... but.... am i the only person who kinda feels weird about ariana, a white girl, being like ‘you can run your hands through me hair... dont be scared’ like?? why would they be scared... your hair is straight lol. it just toys with the whole idea of ‘don’t touch a black women’s hair’ for me. idk it could totally be a me overanalyzing thing. but god is she sang about anything else this would be my favorite song. second song i added to my library.  

nasty: if i had to pick one song that was my exact expectations for this album before listening to it it would be this one. the electronic hip-hop beat with the harmonies and vocals, all paired together for a song about her being horny (again), like yeah this all fits. it feels lost in some places though. like some points i feel like i have no idea what part for the song we’re on or what’s happening and we’re just treading water. and another weak chorus with 1 lyric repeated over and over again. (also random side not that intro of her talking reminded me of when she gave that billboard interview and people were mad at her bc she starting talking with an accent even though shes white... like thats what i thought of i was like ma’am you are a rich white theater kid form florida you do not speak like that)

west side: the production in the beginning is so cool? where is sounds like a tape rewinding kinda? love that. but other than that like... no point to this song being included on the album... it’s 2 minutes and it falls flat pretty early on.

love language: this was the one i saw most people agreeing was the best one/most hyped. i expected to be a ballad but it’s one of the more upbeat ones and honestly thank god. a chorus that actually has structure and goes somewhere? wild. good and creative lyrics? WILD. anyway the production is great and reintroduces that kinda 70s vibe from motive but in a refreshing way. really good tie in. third song added to the library. 

positions: i honestly didn’t even listen to this when it came out so i really had no idea what to expect. again the strings and orchestral pairs so well together... one of my favorite instrumentals on the whole album. i 100% see why this was the lead single and i agree with it completely. the most catchy chorus and it moves the song forward WHAT A CONCEPT. also very good placement on the tracklist because it was really refreshing. at this point it kinda started to drag on a little but this picked it right up. it also kinda threw me completely off balance because i was so familiar with the pattern of good verse weak chorus good verse weak chorus, but this is the opposite? weak verses but amazing chorus. forth song added to library.  also i am genuinely curious why it’s the album title? it doesnt really fit the theme of the album but then again one of my complaints is that it doesnt really have a theme to begin with so... 

obvious: the imagery i got when the music came in was like a dark 80′s lounge with dark wood furniture and i loved it lol. the same thing with positions, a surprising and refreshing combo of weak verse but good chorus which was nice. i can see it easily getting me stuck in my head, especially that hook. fifth song added to my library. 

pov: this is the other song off the album i heard everyone generally loved. i would say this has the best theme and story of the entire album. it has an interesting concept that isnt overly used and the whole song is pretty good decent verse and decent chorus. i love the end where she gets powerful and has more grit in her voice and we get more emotion out of her... wish she didnt wait until the last 30 seconds of the whole album to finally deliver with that but sure. sixth song to be added to the library. 

overall i was pretty surprised at how much i enjoyed it? i really expected not to the way everyone was talking about it. i think it is a good album with just some clear flaws, that could have been easily fixed if she didnt rush the album out so quickly. better lyrics and better judgement/deliberation of which songs deserve to be on the album and it would have been so solid. i would give it an overall rating of 6/10. 

here’s my current ranking:

[studioweus]

This was an article from January 26th, 2016 by Netri! (네트리* I’m not entirely sure what the proper romanization is for their name but I’ll go with this spelling throughout this post). I tried to re-create the article to include the images and videos, but due to formatting limitations, the videos have just been put as links instead. (Also thank you @iyfrr​ for helping me proof-read!)

Text in square brackets are translator's notes. Asterisks will denote one of the members interrupting another member (LOL) The original article will be linked as the source. May contain minor translation inaccuracies.

[Link to ‘Butterfly, Finding Flower’ Teaser]

We've met with the visually strongest band M.A.S 0094.

A skillful, visual band composed of members born between the years 1994 and 2000.  

Aside from their flower-like appearances, they also possess unwavering talent, a trait about themselves that we'll be looking forward to in the future.

[CAPTION: Awkward....]

Please introduce the band~

It was wonderful how we chanced upon one another. At the beginning, the leader [who was Kanghyun at the time], the drummer, and the bassist were the ones who started the group with their respective instruments.

As we started, our bassist friend here brought forth a sub-vocal friend of his. We originally had four members at the time that we were promoting. Then we went to perform a session at a contest where we happened to stumble upon the eldest who claimed his victory. We then had a conversation with him ... and then recruited him? We brought him into the group. So it was around the middle of May in 2015 when we decided to bring him in? It started in May and has been this way since then.

Now that we think about it, it hasn’t been that long since we met but our friendship feels like we’ve been a band together for several years.

Our first song <Butterfly, Finding Flower> was released on the 13th of August.

Please introduce yourselves~

Kang Hyungu (Leader, Guitarist)

My name is Kanghyun. I'm 19 years old. I'm the leader and the guitarist. My nickname is especially ... ah, the members think I'm a genius at guitar but I don't think so. Yeah, that's it.

HYUNGU'S PERSONALITY:

Hyungu: I'm ... a little bit shy.

Netri: It does seem like it. Not once have you maintained eye contact with me.

Hyungu: Yes ... ㅋㅋㅋ I'm somewhat shy. I hate wasting even the slightest bit of time. So when there's nothing to do when I'm in the car, I would either read books or be preoccupied with something else.

Harin: But I think he really is that kind of person. The first time we’ve seen each other was when we were in middle school. We met through this teacher and we were having a conversation, but not once did he look up, and he just stood there. Then I thought, I wanted to get acquainted and familiarize myself with him more soon.

Dongmyeong: But when we actually got to know one another, we suddenly became close.

Harin: He may be very shy, but after a while, he opens up about everything.

Giwook: Hyungu hyung is ... a meticulous person? And he also practices very diligently. He's truly a sincere hyung and that's why he's cool.

Yonghoon: That sounded soulless ㅋㅋㅋ First of all, he's definitely a very shy one, which was the reason why I actually made a lot of effort towards him. Since I'm the older one, it seemed a lot harder to do [the approaching]. So, I purposefully extended phone calls with him at night and sent him lengthy messages bit by bit on Kakaotalk. The first time when we weren't as close, our exchanges were something along the lines of, "Whenever [Yonghoon] hyung says something like this, I feel really moved." But as time passed on and we've grown more close, it's now more of "Hyung, you're being overly dramatic again. Good night" ㅋㅋㅋ A lot has changed since.

Dongmyeong: Hyungu hyung may be a really shy person, but he's also quite bashful. He acts like a real man. ㅋㅋㅋ But he's definitely leader material. The members are actually quite young so we tend to slack off often, but whenever we do so, he would catch us [and scold them for it]. So I think he's exactly like a leader in that respect.

JU HARIN (DRUMMER)

I'm the drummer in MAS, 19-year old Harin. I may not have a nickname though, I think ... Since I have more of a caring nature, I lean more towards sort of being described as a housewife, kind of like a 'housewife' mother. MAS' mother.

HARIN'S PERSONALITY:

Harin: My personality is something along the lines of ... being able to befriend people quick. I don't particularly like being shy so I'm the kind of person who will approach someone first. I'm extremely caring.

Ever since I was young, you could say I was almost responsible for raising a younger sibling. Since I was five, our parents would often go on business trips, so I had to take care of my sister and that's where my family-oriented nature came in. I would cook at home and receive advice from mom, so my overall character just seems to be more of a family-oriented person, like a mother or a father.

Hyungu: Yeah, I think so, too.

Dongmyeong: Elaborate a little bit more on that please.

Hyungu: There's a lot of ground to cover though. But ... he's good-natured. He does seem to have a bit of a lazy side to him, right?  ㅋㅋㅋ Yeah, let's just move on.

Giwook: It's true that Harin hyung is the most caring person. But Yonghoon also takes good care of us. And he's also really playful.

Harin: What? Is that it?

Dongmyeong: Ah~ Can I go for it? Can I?

Yonghoon: Yeah ... Giwook and I thought of the same thing ㅋㅋㅋ No, just kidding. As Harin said, he is definitely a family person and he's also quite sociable. He briefly met my younger brother. In about 15 seconds of meeting him, [Harin] already had an arm around his [Yonghoon's brother's] shoulder. And also, as Hyungu said earlier, he can be the lazy type but that's something that he can improve upon himself.

Dongmyeong: Ah, for me ... Harin hyung truly does take care of us well. He certainly does.

Harin: What’s this all of a sudden?

Dongmyeong: It’s true! That’s what he’s like! ㅋㅋㅋ (Just kidding, just kidding). Harin hyung is really friendly. He met my brother one time and it was almost as though the two of them haven't seen each other in 30 years. At home, my brother even said, "That hyung is strange."

Yonghoon: So did my brother.

Dongmyeong: But it was- it was nice.

LEE GIWOOK (MAKNAE, BASSIST, LYRICIST)

Hello, I'm the youngest in MAS, 17-year old Lee Giwook. Ah, that's right. I'm also the bassist of the group. Hmm .. what else .. I'm just the youngest. The youngest in the band.

*The members interrupting* (This particular part denotes the members cutting in) - He writes lyrics well. *He has written two songs in English. - With a bit of ... Googling... did he not (doubts about the translating situation)

I am responsible for song-writing. Please watch over me. ^^

GIWOOK'S PERSONALITY:

Giwook: Yes, hello? I'm the youngest. I am often understanding towards people! In a considerate manner. Hmm ... And even though I struggle to describe myself, I'm striving to live as a kind-hearted individual. Ah, and I often also hear that I'm more mature for someone my age. But despite my mature side, I still look young ... I don't know.

Hyungu: For me personally, he's truly admirable. Since we've been together from the very beginning, I think I'm the one who knows Giwook the best out of all the members. Firstly, I'm so proud of him, and he's never once stayed mad at me for a long period of time as we make fun and joke among ourselves. Giwook also doesn't swear, he's mature, and he thinks deeply. And now you're glaring at me ...? [at Giwook] Okay.

Harin: Next to Hyungu, I know Giwook the most, but I always feel sorry towards him. I was a junior and he was a freshman in high school when I first met him. I must've been a little distressing to him. I would often joke around because we were close, but Giwook must've felt hurt?

But he understood [the nature] of the situation and would come back a moment later saying, "It's okay, hyung~" So I joke around, but particularly more carefully around Giwook.

Dongmyeong: Always Giwook before me ...

Harin: Yeah, that's about right.

Dongmyeong: What's worse is that he doesn't even answer my phone calls.

Harin: No! No! That may be so, but he's very considerate and kind. As you get to know him better, you'll notice he's more reserved towards the older ones. Especially towards the noonas. Awo~ I can't even say it. Let's end it at that. And he does an excellent job at writing lyrics for songs and raps. He is one talented individual.

Yonghoon: Giwook may be the youngest but he is definitely praiseworthy. As the older one, I'd want to be the one to watch over him but I also want him to speak to me when something goes wrong - because I can tell. When there is something that bothers them, whatever it may be, I want them to be able to talk about it, but neither Hyungu nor Giwook say anything. Besides that though, he's amazing, mature, and he's great at writing song and rap lyrics. I think he's definitely the best younger brother.

Dongmyeong: Giwook and I are the same age so ... Even though Giwook comes across as mature, he can still be playful and can mess around like his peers. But I think he can also be under a lot of stress. He’s a quiet person, and even though it appears as if he's under a lot of pressure to be good [at what he does], you can obviously tell. Yet he doesn't talk about it. If he were to say enough, we could help each other out. Yeah, we would.

JIN YONGHOON (ELDEST HYUNG, VOCALIST, GUITARIST)

Hello, I am. MAS' eldest, the vocalist, and guitarist Jin Yonghoon. My nickname ... I always take care of the younger ones with a generous heart.

*Huh? What are you on about?

It's always raining and snowing... [referring to how the members have so much to say]

Heoheoheoheo (we'll cut the downpour of complaints here)

I think I'm like a father who cherishes and loves you

*Absolutely not. It's like ... we'll just leave it at that.

YONGHOON'S PERSONALITY:

Yonghoon: My personality ... since I have a younger brother, I treat the younger members well. Honestly.

Dongmyeong: COUGH COUGH ... So shameless ... COUGH

Yonghoon: I'm not good with hyungs. I can't adjust to their level. And I seem to be the kind of person who has to deal with them one by one. Yeah, that sounds about right. I can't just sit back and watch if someone tries to bother the younger ones.

Dongmyeong: Wah you're a gangster, hyung.

Yonghoon: Yeah, that's right ...

Hyungu: I think Yonghoon hyung is like the pillar of the group. I personally like him a lot. He's filled with charisma. It's the same way when we're on stage, but even when it's just among us, he would be more reprimanding, and when we play around he makes it more fun. I don't think I would be able to do any of those if I were him. But that's just what I think. He does it towards the younger ones often on Kakaotalk.

I personally haven't given the younger members my Kakaotalk. But after meeting Yonghoon, he's been helpful towards me [in that area of connecting with the younger members]. Sort of like a life coach? Yeah, that's all. Hyung. I love you.

Dongmyeong: This is like a healing camp.

Harin: Yeah, Hyungu and I feel the same way. When I can't get it together, [Yonghoon] hyung has been the pillar. And with his charisma ... sometimes he's charismatic, other times he isn't. It comes and goes like a split personality. The first few times I've been with him, he would scold me a lot. But because of that, I am who I am now.

Giwook: Yonghoon has a fatherly personality. Even with just the four of us doing activities as a band, Yonghoon just waltzed in and it suddenly felt even more like a band. He's a great singer and he's really nice. But there's hardly any instances where he doesn't depend on us. We just got back from Lotteria [a fast food chain in South Korea], and he would ask us to do this or that, or throw this or that away. Though he's there when we need someone to rely on, too. Yeah, that's all.

Dongmyeong: Yonghoon hyung gives a lot of advice. He would even give advice on the smallest of things. But he can't do any handiwork. He would always be constantly teasing me about nothing else but singing, but has he ever tidied something up with his own two hands? No, right?

As for instances of that ... We were out eating at Lotteria and there was one time where he saw me just leaving and not cleaning up. But he also really just left [the trash] behind. So then I had to do the clean up in the end. He can sometimes be really childish. He's just whining and making a fuss on the daily...

Yonghoon: Yeah!!! (hurriedly rushing)

SON DONGMYEONG (VOCALIST, PIANIST)

Yes, I'm the vocalist and pianist in MAS, Son Dongmyeong. My foot size is 280 [for reference, that is a 9.5 in NA sizes]. So my nickname is 발동명 [foot Dongmyeong - though the word ‘발동‘ can also mean ‘to instigate/to start something’]

-- But your height is 160 cm.

What's that supposed to mean!! Please don't believe that. Also, I was born in 2000 but since I was born earlier than Giwook, I'm his hyung. It may only be a two-week gap [between him and Giwook] but I entered high school earlier than him.

Netri: So, that makes you a hyung to him?

Yes, but we sometimes talk casually as well.

[It is generally common courtesy to speak to someone in a respectful manner if they're older than you or if you've just met them. But once you've both established a more familiar relationship, especially if you’re the same age, you could also speak casually!]

- You’re in middle school and I’m in high school so you have to call me hyung~

What sort of set up is this.

DONGMYEONG'S PERSONALITY:

Dongmyeong: I ... am also shy at first, but once we grow closer, everything becomes okay. Ah, no? You don't think I'm shy? Hmm ... I'm quite timid.

Yonghoon: He is very talented. You'll know once you see him during a concert.

Dongmyeong: Umm ... but even though I have a lot to say, [those words] aren't reflective of what I truly mean. Isn't that right?

Yonghoon: But you can't ask that.

Dongmyeong: I really don't know ... my personality ...

Yonghoon: Okay, so we will do the talking.

Hyungu: Honestly, Dongmyeong speaks politely. I think he's one of the most kind-hearted kids. And that is truly nice. But that [kind of personality] can also be bad. He is really nice and also very naive. So I think it would be good for him to comfortably express how he truly feels. At first, I was like "how can he be so angelic?" But that was just at first.

Dongmyeong: WHAT DO YOU MEAN!!!

Yonghoon: Now he's more like a sergeant.

Hyungu: I'm usually more of a tsundere towards Dongmyeong. Whenever he asks me a question, I just give a prompt response - but that's not what I'm truly trying to say. Honestly, conversations with Dongmyeong can be quite bothersome ㅋㅋㅋ I don't want to respond ㅋㅋㅋㅋ But he's definitely a good younger brother.

Harin: I don't have much to say other than that. I think his kindness is just a facade. There have been instances where, even though he is nicely talking to me, I can't take it seriously because he sounds too innocent. Even when I'm tired, I seriously go "Ah, stop." but he would punch me and say "Ayyye #%$%$" He can be senseless sometimes.

Yonghoon: He always takes things too far... So he's Do # (Seriously, what kind of gags does this guy have?)

[Yonghoon said '도를 넘어' which translates to 'being excessive/going too far' but can also mean 'beyond Do (as in the note)' ... hence... the Do # pun... Thanks for the dad jokes, Yonghoon. We love ya]

Giwook: Hello, it's the maknae here. As far as I'm concerned, I've ... (taking notice) spent the most time with Dongmyeong. We live 5 minutes away from one another, and our schools were also actually close to each other. Personality-wise, Dongmyeong is kind-hearted, but his talent is no joke either. He is quite skilled. He can be playful. He's a ... really good hyung. The mood maker?

Harin: I think he holds up the role of the energizer [in the group].

Giwook: Without Dongmyeong hyung, things would be terribly dull. And also, when it's just the two of us alone, we tend to have serious conversations, and he seems like a different person. He cries, too.

Dongmyeong: You're so mean~!!

Yonghoon: Dongmyeong ... is definitely the one I talk to the most - the reason being is that we're the most talkative ones. When he's not able to sleep at night, he's always messaging me on Kakaotalk. I always ‘see’ him. Even though I get confused with what goes on with the others, I just see it as is with Dongmyeong. Even just from his clumsy way of walking ... 'Ah, there's something going on with him" - I just see it.

The first time around when he was still really shy, I started a conversation with him like, "Dongmyeong-ah, did you eat" and he goes "Ah! No! Would you like to eat?" But these days, it's more like "Hey, what do you wanna eat?" ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

Even now when we joke around, he can still get hurt since he's soft-hearted, but he pretends that he isn't. But then I see that. To tell you the truth, I feel sorry for him once in a while. But then that’s what makes me want to tease him even more ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

A FAVOURITE SONG OF YOURS IS ...?

Hyungu: There are two songs that immediately come to mind - <PEACE> is one of them. It's really good, but above all,

- You wrote the melody for it

Yeah, very much so. I think it's good.

[I unfortunately was not able to find a performance of PEACE anywhere ;-;]

Harin: Yeah, I really like <PEACE> too. The reason being is that, one time, Hyungu and I were staying at my house, and we were both playing guitar and singing, and then the chords just came out nicely ... So we took those and showed it to them [the other members] and were met with good reactions, and because I'm a fan of awesome things [like the song], this song is definitely my style.

Giwook: For me, the song <PEACE> and <Starlight> are songs I've composed ... What these two songs have in common is that they're both undoubtedly dynamic. The beginning starts off quietly but then it unravels at the end part. The lyrics are good, the melody is also good. I think it's just really good. I also wrote the lyrics for <PEACE> as well.

Yonghoon: I also had two songs in mind - <Blessing> and <Starlight>

[I couldn't find a video performance for 'Peace' but here is a video link to Blessing! ]

I wasn't originally going to go with <Blessing> but ... I wrote this one. And it is also rather cold out now. It's winter. The melody for this song is the exact thing that reminds me of winter. It is definitely a warm and dynamic kind of song.

Dongmyeong: For me, it's <Feeling Good> and <A Wonderful Person> [also was not able to find a video performance for this song] The maknae, Giwook, wrote the lyrics for <Feeling Good>, and it's the most well-known song of ours. It's just something that easily comes to mind and that anyone can relate to. And the lyrics are also really nice.

I wrote the lyrics with Yonghoon hyung for <A Wonderful Person> ... I haven't tried doing that with the other members yet, but it's a song for my father.

[Link to a live performance video of ‘Starlight’] 

WHY DO YOU DO MUSIC?

Hyungu: Music ... is that not a reason?

Dongmyeong: Music!~ Music is my life.

Hyungu: Honestly, if you were to ask about the reasons, there's a lot ... Or there's none. Right now I honestly don't know. I think I might know if you ask it again.

Harin: I’ve honestly found playing the drums to be fun and interesting since I was younger. When I get hooked onto something, I deeply get into it. The more I play the drums, even the drum sounds become more interesting to me. I also get to be part of a band as well. I feel a different kind of charm when the drum sounds come out. When I share music with this friend (Hyungu), I get to experience new things, too. I want to see this through until the end.

Giwook: When I was in fifth grade, a close friend of mine asked me to form a band with them. I was going to play the drums at first, but then I switched to the bass. The more we do music, the more fun it becomes and I get attached to it. I can also learn about one's personality through music. I think music is appealing. It's fun. I will be doing music until I die.

Yonghoon: Back when I was a student, I went to a Lee Seungcheul concert with my mom and my grandmother. That's when I felt it then - that this is what I should do. I may not have lived for that long yet, but my most honourable memory to date is that connection I had with Lee Seungcheul.

He had hurt me at first. I went to Super Star K 4 a while ago. I got through to the second round, then I approached him only to hear biting remarks. I remember being hurt then. And then I recently went to Lee Seungcheul's studio to record the chorus [part of a song?]. So I did the recording, and had a meal. I was sitting close by and he gave me alcohol as I was an adult by then. That was the most honourable moment to me. I think it was because of him that I was able to do music.

Dongmyeong: For me, it's just ... nice to give everyone what they like. The reason why I still enjoy performing is because people feel happy when I sing. All these people like it and I become interested. So I just like it.

[Link to a video performance of ‘Blessing’]

Netri: Even though they do music at such a young age, their heart and actions are never light as MAS 0094 has their own personal philosophy and thoughts regarding music. This was a moment where I certainly learned a lot from them. Even though they are younger than me, they definitely have a better understanding of [the certainty of] their own thoughts and dreams. I hope you are able to maintain this same genuine passion for music in the future as well. Adios~

[hoodharlow]

Wildflower: Prologue[PR!Cal]

Author’s note: Fatass shout out to @aliencal​ and @hoodschick​ for letting me bounce off ideas with them and to @d-oaks​ for editing this hot mess. I love y’all. Also this is written 3rd POV, and it’s not my strongest. So any tips and stuff are welcomed.

Summary: This is a quick rundown of how OC and Calum know each other and the event that will lead them

Word Count: 2.1k, most chapters would be longer than this lol

Warnings: Not in this chapter, but this story would talk about drugs and the trauma my OC went through seeing her mom struggle with drug addiction and alcoholism

“I mean you don’t look bad together. Paps got lucky with this,” Luke commented on the photo. Him and the boys were looking at the pictures taken of Calum. 

They showed various angles of Calum carrying a black pitbull while walking alongside Alexis Ximena. The pictures were all over Twitter. It’s been three days, and #Callexis was still trending. 

In less than two years, Alexis Ximena has made a household name for herself. In 2018 she was the face of Dolce and Gabbana Beauty, but that partnership didn’t last long. After some racist comments and actions from the designers, Alexis called them out and caused a rift. D&G decided it was best for them to drop her, but she was picked up by Fenty Beauty. In those months, her following grew as she became more outspoken and used her platforms as a voice for the voiceless. And she took the modeling world by storm. She graced covers from all over the world. 

“She has a boyfriend.” Calum rolled his eyes, thinking back to when they met.

It was on the “Late, Late Show” when 5 Seconds of Summer were doing promo for ‘Teeth’ before they went off to tour. Alexis Ximena was also promoting on the show. Her half-sister, Paola, was there because she was casted to play the younger sister to Isabela’s character. While they were talking to James, Alexis Ximena mentioned how nervous she was going backstage. She revealed her huge crush on Calum Hood when she was fifteen after seeing him at a One Direction concert. 

Of course Calum had been watching from the TV in the greenroom. It stirred something in him as he watched her admit on national television that she used to have a crush on him. The two bumped into each other backstage and talked. Calum did something he rarely does; he asked her for her number. Alexis Ximena’s whole demeanor changed. She started fumbling with her words until she admitted she had a boyfriend. She mumbled something about needing to go because she was going to be late and left him there. 

“She’s late,” Calum said, changing the subject. He loved his brothers, but he hated talking about his love life.  

“She’ll be here. She’s just running late because she’s having car trouble.” Luke defended her. 

“She’s seven minutes late. It’s not a big deal. Mike’s not even here,”Ashton added.

“He’s grabbing lunch, what's her excuse?” Calum scoffed. 

“You need to fucking chill. She has a boyfriend, big fucking deal, mate. You can’t hold that against her. You better not fuck this up for us. This is a huge opportunity for us as a band. Do you know how this can help us with our reputation?” Ashton went off.

A few days ago, Alexis Ximena and Luke were part of a Calvin Klein ad. While they waited around for their turns for the photoshoot and video, Alexis Ximena and Luke exchanged ideas for a song she was working on. That’s where the idea came up that the boys could help her with the soundtrack of the film she was a part of was also in charge of the soundtrack. 

She had most of the official songs picked and scores done, but she just needed her own music too. Calum was there when she and Luke were discussing it. Later that day, he had the misfortune of accidentally walking in on her and Shawn making out while Luke was getting his pictures done. He had gone to the location where they were filming the ad, to run by the last minute edits to their upcoming album.

Unbeknownst to the general population, Shawn and Camila aren’t really dating. Shawn explained to Alexis Ximena, who he had been secretly dating for over a year, that it was all business, and they needed to be a secret. Camila needed people to talk about her because she had an album coming out in December. Well, people did talk about her, but not for the things she hoped for. FortunatelyThankfully for Camila, her and her half-assed apology had nothing to worry about because since her racism really didn’t really  affect her career. 

Before Calum could say anything, Alexis Ximena, in all her wet glory, ran in the studio. It was 

“I’m so sorry I’m late. My car died, and I had to get it towed from school back to my dad’s. I would have borrowed one of his cars, but I don’t know where he stores the keys to his other cars. I had to uber.” Alexis Ximena rambled as she shrugged off her raincoat. 

Before Calum left his house, he did see a tow truck pull up to Beto Carrillo’s house. Beto Carrillo was Alexis Ximena’s dad. He had the misfortune of being her neighbor. 

“No worries, we’re waiting on Mike.” Luke smiled at her. 

You do a Calvin Klein ad together and now you think you’re best friends, Calum thought to himself. He ran a hand through his hair. He’s in need of a haircut. While on holiday he let his hair grow out, but now it’s bothering him.

Calum watched Alexis Ximena take out all her things from her backpack. Lastly, she pulled out a manila folder. 

“Okay, so the movie people want you to sign an NDA as a precaution so that y’all won’t spoil the film. Which is dumb becasue it’s based on book, and if you read the book, you would know what happened. But, um, yeah. If y’all can sign them, that would be great.” She explained handing them the contracts. 

“Yeah, no problem.” Luke said, pulling out a pen from his pocket. After he signed it, he passed the pen to Ashton, thus him passing it to Calum. 

“What if I don’t sign it?” Calum asked her.

“Then you can’t be here while we work on it.” Alexis Ximena shrugged. She turned her back to him as she set up her laptop. 

Calum begrudgingly signed it. 

𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮𝅘𝅥𝅮

They were stumped. They had been  at it for hours. It was almost ten. Every melody they tried didn’t fit the song. Lyrically the song made sense for the scene, but it just didn’t sound right. 

Calum sat back watching them, mainly Alexis Ximena. He noticed the long, deep scar on the left side of her stomach every time she would place her arms on her head as she paced around the room. He also heard every single time when her stomach would growl. 

She had ordered them dinner from this Mexican restaurant. Calum, being the stubborn person he was, said he wasn’t hungry, but Alexis Ximena dismissed his comment and still ordered him some potato flautas. 

While they waited for their food they, sans Calum, began to talk about the movie they were working on. The movie was based on the book “The F It List”. It was about a girl learning that her best friend has Hodgkin’s lymphoma, and she has a list of things she wants to do before she dies. The girl asks her best friend to do some items on the list for her. Alexis Ximena played the best friend that had cancer. 

When Alexis Ximena started explaining how her dad had signed on the project way after her and her best friend Angie got casted, Calum excused himself. He was not in the mood to hear that the only reason she’s even known is because of her dad. Unlike her, he and the boys worked their asses off to be where they are. 

Calum walked to his car and rummaged through the glove compartment where he had his emergency cigarettes. There were a total of five empty boxes. Deep inside the glove compartment he found a box. Thankfully for him, it had one cigarette.

He grabbed a lighter and the lone cigarette, and made his way back to the studio entrance. He lit it and took a hit. It’s been weeks since he smoked. He closed his eyes in pleasure as the burning in his lungs escaped through his lips.

“I never got the appeal of cigarettes. They smell like shit and fuck up your lungs.” Alexis Ximena’s voice came out of nowhere. It took everything in Calum not to roll his eyes at her.

“Why are you here?” Calum sneered.

“The postmates person was going to be here in a bit.” She said. Calum watched her as she tiptoed on the parking block.

“You think you can win them over with food?”

“What?” Alexis Ximena laughed at his question. 

“I see right through you. You’re taking advantage that Luke is a nice guy, and he can’t say no. You’re using us so you can get cloud.”

“First of all it’s clout with a ‘t’. Clouds are the things in the sky made up of water and ice crystals. Second of all, what we’re working on benefits you as much as it’s benefiting me. Clearly you didn’t read the NDA. You’re all going to earn a percentage because you worked on the soundtrack on top of that the royalties for ‘Best Friend’ and the songs y’all are helping me produce.” She crossed her arms at him. Calum mumbled something under his breath further angering Alexis Ximena. “What the fuck is your problem?” 

“You are!” He yelled.

“Me? I’m not the one who’s been a fucking dick the whole time. That’s all you. We ask you for your input on something, and you would shrug your shoulders. You’re here to help us and you’ve done shit.”

“Yeah because everything you come up with is shit. The music doesn’t fit what you want. Obviously you have no idea what you’re doing since you can’t even come up with a simple melody. I’m not even sure why they picked you to be in charge of the soundtrack. Oh, right, because you have your daddy dearest who basically hands you the shit you ask for.”

The last sentence cut deep for Alexis Ximena. Anyone that knew Alexis Ximena would have told Calum how wrong he is. She’s worked hard for everything. 

She had to. 

Ever since her mom got hooked on pain pills when she broke her leg, she’s had to take care of herself. Her mom was too busy looking for her next high to even think about her. It was like that for years until she overdosed two years ago. That’s when Alexis Ximena moved to LA with her dad and his new family.  

A blue car pulled up to them. “I have an order for Alexis.” 

“That’s me.” Alexis Ximena said, but her voice cracked at the end. 

Calum saw her wipe her eyes as she walked up to the car and took her order. Guilt slightly panged in his chest when she stomped back inside.

The other boys overheard their argument, but didn’t comment on it when they saw Alexis Ximena walk in like nothing happened. She handed them their burritos. Alexis Ximena quietly ate as she listened to the boys talk about their upcoming performance for the G’Day USA gala. 

Calum walked in and the guilt increased when Alexis Ximena handed him the flautas she ordered for him. He watched her scoot away from them when he sat down in their little circle. After they finished eating they all decided to call it a night and come back tomorrow. 

Michael and Ashton left together while Luke got picked up by Sierra. That left Calum and Alexis Ximena. 

Thunder clapped in the sky, releasing it’s rain. Alexis Ximena regretted leaving her raincoat in her car at home. Her fingers trembled because of the cold as she ordered an Uber.

“Here,” Calum held out his shiny OFF WHITE jacket to her. “We should get going before the rain gets heavier.” 

She pushed the jacket back to him. “I’m good. I’m getting an Uber.”

“You literally live next door. It’s not a big deal.”

“No! I rather Uber than be in the same car as you.”

“Not up for discussion. Let’s go.” 

He slipped his jacket over her shoulders as he made his way to his car. Begrudgingly, Alexis Ximena trailed behind him. Calum clicked the ‘unlock’ button and climbed in the car. When Alexis tried opening the door, it wouldn’t budge. She looked over to Calum who smiled at her as he unlocked it, but Alexis Ximena pulled the door at the same time, leaving the door locked. After laughing at her, Calum reached over and let her in. 

The drive home was silent. After a bit of arguing, she punched the code in, so he could drop her off all the way into her house. 

Calum was surprised when he saw the front yard. He always imagined the house to be avant-garde with fountains and statues and exotic plants. The house was big, but it gave off a homey vibe. 

As Calum drove away he turned back to Alexis Ximena just as she turned to look at him. She raised her arm. It looked like she was going to wave at him, but she pulled down his jacket sleeve and flipped him off. \