#anyway my point is that I can see that a natural conclusion to seeing people baying for blood is to run in the other direction

[afarthestarsarewaiting]

One day I will stop looking up triggering things on the internet I promise

[headspace-hotel]

I will write this thought about Veganism and Classism in the USA in another post so as to not derail the other thread:

There are comments in the notes that say meat is only cheaper than plant based foods because of subsidies artificially lowering the price of meat in the United States. This is...part of the story but not all of it.

For my animal agriculture lab we went to a butcher shop and watched the butcher cut up a pig into various cuts of meat. I have had to study quite a bit about the meat industry in that class. This has been the first time I fully realized how strongly the meat on a single animal is divided up by socioeconomic class.

Like yes, meat cumulatively takes more natural resources to create and thus should be more expensive, but once that animal is cut apart, it is divided up between rich and poor based on how good to eat the parts are. I was really shocked at watching this process and seeing just how clean and crisp an indicator of class this is.

Specifically, the types of meat I'm most familiar with are traditionally "waste" parts left over once the desirable parts are gone. For example, beef brisket is the dangly, floppy bit on the front of a cow's neck. Pork spareribs are the part of the ribcage that's barely got anything on it.

And that stuff is a tier above the "meat" that is most of what poor people eat: sausage, hot dogs, bologna, other heavily processed meat products that are essentially made up of all the scraps from the carcass that can't go into the "cuts" of meat. Where my mom comes from in North Carolina, you can buy "livermush" which is a processed meat product made up of a mixture of liver and a bunch of random body parts ground up and congealed together. There's also "head cheese" (made of parts of the pig's head) and pickled pigs' feet and chitlin's (that's made of intestines iirc) and cracklin's (basically crispy fried pig skin) and probably a bunch of stuff i'm forgetting. A lot of traditional Southern cooking uses basically scraps of animal ingredients to stretch across multiple meals, like putting pork fat in beans or saving bacon grease for gravy or the like.

So another dysfunctional thing about our food system, is that instead of people of each socioeconomic class eating a certain number of animals, every individual animal is basically divided up along class lines, with the poorest people eating the scraps no one else will eat (oftentimes heavily processed in a way that makes it incredibly unhealthy).

Even the 70% lean ground beef is made by injecting extra leftover fat back into the ground-up meat because the extra fat is undesirable on the "better" cuts. (Gross!)

I've made, or eaten, many a recipe where the only thing that makes it non-vegan is the chicken broth. Chicken broth, just leftover chicken bones and cartilage rendered and boiled down in water? How much is that "driving demand" for meat, when it's basically a byproduct?

That class really made me twist my brain around about the idea of abstaining from animal products as a way to deprive the industry of profits. Nobody eats "X number of cows, pigs, chickens in a lifetime" because depending on the socioeconomic class, they're eating different parts of the animal, splitting it with someone richer or poorer than they are. If a bunch of people who only ate processed meats anyway abstained, that wouldn't equal "saving" X number of animals, it would just mean the scraps and byproducts from a bunch of people's steaks or pork chops would have something different happen to them.

The other major relevant conclusion I got from that class, was that animal agriculture is so dominant because of monoculture. People think it's animal agriculture vs. plant agriculture (or plants used for human consumption vs. using them to feed livestock), but from capitalism's point of view, feeding animals corn is just another way to use corn to generate profits.

People think we could feed the world by using the grain fed to animals to feed humans, but...the grain fed to animals, is not actually a viable diet for the human population, because it's literally just corn and soybean. Like animal agriculture is used to give some semblance of variety to the consumer's diet in a system that is almost totally dominated by like 3 monocrops.

Do y'all have any idea how much of the American diet is just corn?!?! Corn starch, corn syrup, corn this, corn that, processed into the appearance of variety. And chickens and pigs are just another way to process corn. That's basically why we have them, because they can eat our corn. It's a total disaster.

And it's even worse because almost all the USA's plant foods that aren't the giant industrial monocrops maintained by pesticides and machines, are harvested and cared for by undocumented migrant workers that get abused and mistreated and can't say anything because their boss will tattle on them to ICE.

[campbell-rose]

Hazbin Trailer + Rewrite Spitballing

The Hazbin Trailer omg

I finally watched it and like... it's so bad guys. Honestly, the only people I pity are the animators and the pilot voice actors, and the new actors too. Blake Roman especially, the man is super talented, but trying to fill the massive shoes of Michael is weighing his performance down so bad. Honestly, if Viv wasn't a petty brat, she could've kept Michael and gotten Blake as the singing voice.

Apparently there's a war on Heaven plot? I hope to god not, like that's NOT THE PREMISE. God Viv just cannot stick to her premises, can she? This happened with Zoophobia, initially it seemed like it was going to follow Cameron but slowly lost focus on her. Then Helluva Boss losing the hired assassin plot for the sake of shitty Stolitz drama. Seems redeeming sinners is going to be a side plot which is unfortunate because that was one of the biggest things i wanted from this show. I remember when i used to love Vivziepop and i got so excited for the pilot of Hazbin. Redeeming sinneers, that sounded so cool. It's what got me into demonology and was a big part of my life. Sad to see this happen.

I genuinely hate the stupid trope of heaven, the place that is literally paradise for good people, being bad. Like, i cannot feasibly imagine a universe in which Viv manages to write that in any compelling way. And why is it just ‘heaven bad’??? This could be an interesting story that discusses the nature of good and bad, talks about what makes someone a good person, should people be given redemption if they already blew their chance, is the definition of 'good' wrong? Like, in the hands of competent writers, Hazbin could be an interesting story, like a Walmart Good Place! But no, heaven bad, let's go kill angels that say fuck.

Like, as an example of my above point, let’s look at a familiar face from Helluva Boss, Mrs. Mayberry. 

She killed someone, tried to kill someone, then herself, and is now in hell. But a good question could be raised of if her being in hell is even justified. Yes, she killed a person (and attempted to kill another) which is not a good thing to do. But she killed her husband in a fit of rage after seeing him cheating on her – like actively, red handed, balls deep cheating on her. From what we see of her before her death, she seems like an attentive and caring teacher and wife, she even says herself she was ‘good my entire life’. Her students love her, and literally the reason she kills herself seems to be because she realizes that they saw her literally murder someone. She did choke and throw a child, but that was played for comedy so I'm not counting that against her. She kills herself because she’s so shocked about what she’s done. She’s bitter because she’s in hell.  

Her husband was a cheater and the woman she tried to kill was a murderer and a cannibal, so by that logic, doesn’t her killing a bad person negate the killing? Yes, murder is bad, she should’ve controlled herself, but this was one terrible moment in a lifetime of being good. Like, say someone kills a pedobear, is the person commiting the murder a bad person for killing someone who deserved it? Not that her husband deserved to die for cheating, a good beat down maybe. If a good person kills a bad person, does that make them a bad person too? Or does it come down to intention? Did the good only kill the bad for a selfish reason?

That’s an interesting conundrum (in my opinion). Does she deserve to redeem herself? How would she redeem herself? If I keep thinking on it, i'll ramble, but that's my thinking. Anyway, this made me think about a rewrite that follows this line of thinking.

I’ve come to the conclusion that Charlie being an angel and Vaggie being her Exterminator guard who goes with her to hell to redeem sinners is the best way to make this mess an interesting thing. Like, Charlie is an optimistic angel who thinks the extermination of sinners is inhumane and that the standards of Heaven need changed. Vaggie is literally trained to kill sinners and sees Charlie’s efforts as futile but is assigned to help her anyway. Makes sense why everyone would disrespect Charlie and treat her like an idiot for wanting to redeem sinners, instead of insulting the daughter of FUCKING LUCIFER HIMSELF, they’re laughing at an angel who came down out of nowhere and is acting high and mighty.

Also, Charlie can keep the name Charlie Magne instead of Morningstar because she's no longer Lucifer's daughter. Vaggie is just V. boom, problem solved, i'm a genius.

Have a doodle

[balladofmyramblings]

I’ve seen my fair share of…interesting BOSAS takes (Tigris and Snow’s relationship doesn’t make sense, Sejanus wasn’t important to Coriolanus/Coriolanus’ character, Dean Highbottom was inconsistent, people just called Lucy Gray Lucy instead of LG or something, etc) but never has one irked me as much as people saying the ending was rushed or out of character or didn’t make sense.

The ending is a representation of their whole relationship. Yeah, it’s rushed, because it lasted 3 months and they were prepared to spend their life together after that. No, it was completely in character. Yes, it made total sense, because what else would have convinced Coriolanus to go back, if not the idea that he was safe?

First off, elaborating on the rushed point, be so fr. 1, the book was getting a bit long anyways, and 2, it couldn’t have been long and drawn out. How quick their relationship crumbled and we were shown Coriolanus’ true loyalties shows so much I can’t even begin to explain it, but I’ll try.

It shows how Lucy Gray valued family and trust. She’d already talked about how much trust mattered to her, and she’d been hurt so badly before she needed it. She needs trust, and she doesn’t just need it for herself. She needs to be able to trust him, and she needs him to be able to trust her. When Coriolanus obviously lied about the third person he killed, Lucy Gray realized that neither of those things were there.

It shows how Coriolanus valued himself and the capitol above all else. He was going to, and tried to, kill Lucy Gray. The person who, just 10 minutes ago he was prepared to spend the rest of his life with. He did that because he couldn’t be guaranteed loyalty, and because he realized she definitely didn’t belong to him. Coriolanus’ view of Lucy Gray- that she’s a pet, or something just for him, is entirely effed up and he can’t see that, so he clings to it. He clings to that idea of her being his and when it’s proven false, he can’t let go of it.

Lucy Gray was there when Coriolanus lied to her about the killing, and there was only one person he could have also killed. She was wary of him then, what he was capable of, but she didn’t know for sure where his loyalty truly laid until she saw the look on his face with the guns. She knew then that the Coriolanus standing before her she couldn’t trust, and she knew what that meant, and Coriolanus knew she knew what that meant and he couldn’t deal with the fact she wasn’t completely infatuated with him.

It’s also worthy to mention how easily Coriolanus started to see Lucy Gray differently. He justified his killing of her to himself, as we see in the whole “she’s a victor, maybe Billy taupe was right, etc” page. He thinks that it may have been an act all along, and can’t deal with the fact he fell in love with someone who could turn on him so easily. So he justifies it and makes stuff up and uses all he can to convince himself of the devilish nature of Lucy Gray.

Coriolanus’ deep, unwavering faith in the capitol is shown here so clearly I feel like it’s bleeding into my eyes. He was so ready to leave her (also how he thought she’d be ok with it also proves how he sees her as completely loyal) when he realized he was basically innocent. He is only ever scared of the capitol when it could harm him.

Their whole relationship was a whirlwind, and could never have had a breakup 3 chapters long. It needed to be quick and easy, all ties cut. The fate of Lucy Gray also needed to be a mystery, because nothing else in his life is. The constant worrying of if she’d ever tell, if she’s alive or not, blah blah blah unsettles him just like he deserves it to. We don’t get an answer to if Lucy Gray came back (probably not though), we don’t even get an answer if she’s alive.

In conclusion, the end of BOSAS was very fitting, and though unpredictable and fast, it was right.

[jamiesfootball]

Anyways. Back before season three aired, my working theory for What Ted's Deal was - with his advice to Jamie, with the panic attacks that were layered Jamie and his son - that it would turn out that his late father had also been abusive, but that with his father's death Ted had never processed it.

Obviously the show didn't go that route, but in general these were the points that I was daisy-chaining together to build something of a narrative flow:

Ted preaches kindness and positivity but also struggles with his own repressed anger and inability to be direct in what he wants. He continually, pathologically, puts people before himself, to the point that it's becoming a breaking point in his marriage.

Ted repeatedly praises 'women' for being the more emotionally intelligent of the genders. He looks at toxic masculinity as not just a thing to be examined and overcome, but the root of why men struggle.

He himself is a product of the same toxic male behavior, and while he tries to lead by example as an individual, there's a part of that culture that he almost sees as... natural? Like a foregone conclusion. A lot of his methods for dealing with the team in season one happen within the same social boundaries he decries. If he can get Roy to step up, if he can get Roy and Jamie to stop fighting and call a truce, then everything else will fall in place, because men follow a hierarchical structure. This is How Locker Rooms Work, and-

I always go back to Jamie's first, open receptiveness to Ted's 'one in eleven' speech as the first sign that Ted doesn't know how to deal with things directly. This scene reads as Ted being very taken aback by Jamie's willingness to listen. It has shades of their later scene at the Crown & Anchor in it, with Ted being the one who pulls away from a conversation that has the ability of getting emotionally direct and real.

Ted's repressed anger. His shouting at Jamie in 1x06 over practice, but also his shouting at Nate when Nate tries to stuff the letter under his hotel room door.

Ted emotionally reaches for the bottle like. A noticeable amount of times. But especially when he's getting divorced.

Every Sunday afternoon Ted's father used to take him to a sports bar. From age of 10 til 16.

Ted's mom is completely incapable of being direct

Ted and his mom never processed or talked about his dad's death

Ted looks devastated when he sees Jamie with his father in the boot room, but ultimately walks away

Ted sends Jamie a token to show he's not alone (Ted soldier)

Next time Jamie tries to talk to Ted at the bar, Jamie opens with addressing the subject directly (the Ted soldier) and Ted deflects. Asks about City. Won't look him in the eye. Doesn't say anything to Jamie admitting he left City to piss off his dad. He just says that line about how sometimes having a tough dad is what makes you better.

He thought he knew what he was doing [about Jamie] but Sam 'went and unsettled it.' Some people aren't lucky enough to have good dads.

Ted welcomes Jamie back but keeps his distance (much more than in season 1).

Ted begins having panic attacks that feature Jamie and his son.

Ted admits panic attacks linked directly to his father's death.

So this takes us through season two, and at this point my working theory was what if it turned out that Ted most of Ted's Ted-ness had been an active effort on his own part to become something less like his own father? It would explain his disdain for male-coded behaviors while also explaining why he seems unable to truly break away from them. it would explain his people-pleasing habits (and meeting his mom and knowing she is also allergic to asking for things, I think this could still fit as a trauma response). It would explain his putting women on a pedestal, if he had a bad male role model to begin with. It would explain how his demeanor around Jamie changes so much when they have the 'tough dads' talk turning into something closed off when his body language with Jamie has always been open before (and there's a lovely parallel with how they're both sat at the bar in that shot too). Hell it would add additional weight to that talk if it turned out he was also speaking of himself. His panic attacks would make sense, seeing himself in Jamie but also his son and his own role as a dad.

That, plus Ted being a character we regularly see drinking something harder than wine or beer, usually when he's emotionally stressed. Plus Ted's dad bringing him to a sports bar every Sunday for years, and at a young age too. Plus Jamie's dad being an alcoholic. That's where I thought this was going- I thought it would turn out that the late Lasso had also been an alcoholic and a tough dad. It just seemed the obvious conclustion at the time, to make the Ted & Jamie parallel into a full parallel.

Then you add in the fact that Ted married his college sweetheart and then waited until they were in their thirties before having a kid (In the midwest. Where he definitely would've been pressured about it) and all of this to me added up to a troubled man who struggled with the idea of becoming a father long before he had a son. Someone who spent years creating a facade, pretending (like his mom) that things were okay. Someone who maybe never felt right blaming his dad for any of it, not when it became so clear at the end how much his dad was struggling.

Only to have that facade crumble the second someone else from similar circumstances showed up to challenge it.

His dad was a product of his time, the same way that Ted is a product of his dad, the same way men are just a product of toxic masculinity, and Ted doesn't know how to 'deal' with any of it but he'd thought he'd gotten to the point in life where he had some solutions. Only to find that those solutions didn't work when held up to a mirror.

So yeah. That was my theory. Then season three happened, and I realized that unfortunately my theory had a flaw. See, I was so busy looking for a Watsonian diagnosis that would make Ted's idiosyncrasies make sense, that I completely missed the fact that the problem was Doylist to begin with. The show writers never meant for us to read into all of that, because the show writers themselves didn't see anything contrary, worrisome, or tone-deaf about Ted's behavior. Not from a toxic masculinity standpoint, and certainly not from the standpoint of discussing abuse of a male character.

It's not Ted who dismisses Jamie's dad's abuse. It's the writers. Which unfortunately means, since Ted by extension is the show, that it is Ted. Which is why all of us are left watching scenes like the 'tough dads' scene or the Mom City scene and going-

What the hell, Ted?

[heartsforscara]

“call me back?”

in the wanderer’s eyes, you are amicable, beautiful, and soft with a backbone. he loves you with his whole heart, albeit not the kind of love people fantasize about. love is not fluffy and all giddy emotions or warm hearts to him. love is painful. love is eating him alive.

in his opinion, he is none of those. he is rotten at heart, his is ugly, with scratches on his porcelain like skin spiraling upwards on his limbs, and he is so rude that his words pierce. he fears he will sully you, terrified he is but an impurity in your life who will taint you.

he refuses to let that happen. so no, he cannot give in, cannot admit to you that his pining over you has been brutally murdering him, your soft words skewering him again and again, annoyingly creating a hole in his heart only a certain someone can fill. he will swallow the words he wishes to say every single time, the three words he had practised in the mirror countless times compressed into nothing but ashes to rise from the dust the text time.

and the excruciating process has repeated once twice, three times. a science experiment should be repeated 3 times to ensure reliability, they say. is he so incompetent that he still cannot arrive at a conclusion even after the 3 repetitions?

he cannot fathom why he can’t let go of you. he knows fully well why he likes you— your perfects make up a whole list. but he is the villain. he is trying to change. he should at least not be so ridiculously selfish as to try to keep you all for himself. he breathes.

to him, you remain sui generis even in a crowd. their voices form a cacophony of ignorant fools babbling their incompetent minds away. your voice is what he describes as “grating” or “downright suffocating”, but the opposite is true, and he plays your voice on repeat in your head.

his reticent nature is one you know all too well, and yet you can tell how he truly feels. you notice his fleeting glances at you from across the room, his longing gaze not escaping you. you had wanted to express your feelings countless times, but you remind yourself; he is healing. you will wait.

but alas, a little push never hurt anyone. he is wont to your teasing nature, so when you call him, he does not think too much of it.

“kiyoshi! hi!”

Kiyoshi. the name you had bestowed upon him. it had brought him unbridled joy and confusion when he had first heard it, and to this day it still does. kiyoshi, ironically, means pure and soundless.

pure.

why would someone ever think he was pure? after all the things he’s done, all the lying, the killings, the crimes-

he breaks his train of thought.

“… [name]. hey. what’s going on?” his voice had an underlying tone of worry— he was always far too cautious for his own good.

“nothing. just wanted to ask you something.”

a pause, and none of you spoke, leaving an awkward silence.

“hello? are you… not going to ask the question?”

“ah. well, I need to hang up now. sorry. I texted you the question. and im not accepting a text response!”

“huh?”

“BYE!”

——-

he stares at your text, incredulous. “Will you call me back tomorrow?”

shit. he’s falling far too deep into this rabbit hole, isn’t he?

——

the next day, he calls you. “hello?”

“oh! hey! I assume your answer is a yes?”

“No. my answer is no.” his voice has an edge to it, as if expressing his defiance.

he can hear chortles of laughter from your side. “kiyoshi, you’re so funny!”

he dismisses the comment, ignoring how his cheeks burn at the comment. not the good kind of burn- the kind of burn that leaves him gasping, needing more.

“shut up. anyways. why go through this wild goose chase? you called me just to ask me to call you? that’s stupid. get to the point, [name].”

you stifle a giggle. “I just wanted to hear your voice, kiyoshi. I can’t see you everyday, so I just wanted to let you know that your voice is really pretty. I’ll ask you another question on text today. remember to reply, only through calls!”

you hang up on him leaving him aching. if he had a heart, it would have squeezed itself so tight it would be left with nothingness. what gives you the right to make his chest clench, to make his knees buckle, to give him hopes of a rose-tinted future?

grumbling, he opens the text.

“will you call me back?”

[mari-lair]

That’s a lot of questions, but I’ll try my best to answer them all!

.

Aoi doesn’t care about an individual perception of her, she genuinely has no interest in a stranger because she always assumes they have bad intentions. They want to hurt her: It does not matter if they are jealous or worship the ground she walks on, they they will hurt her. Which is a sad way to view the world, so she defends herself.

Her attitude is a big wall that says “If I don’t care about you or your opinion, you can’t hurt me”. 

She detaches herself from it all, preferring apathy over being vulnerable and opening herself to be hurt. This lack of confrontation, this apparent lack of care (she doesn’t seem to ask even simple things most kids would in her situation “Why are you bullying me?”) makes her feel arrogant, which feeds into people’s bad view of her and prove her trust issues right, which gives her more reasons to believe she is right and became more arrogant.

Akane was always there to stop anyone from going too far when messing with her, so she can look down on others even when they got aggressive without fearing for her health. She can’t be hurt emotionally in her indifference, and she doesn’t care about physical injuries, not when the most she’ll get with Akane around to protect her is a scratch.

So she keeps this up to the point Akane genuinely starts believing she is a tough girl that doesn’t care when people are mean to her.

But she does.

She just pushes it all away, and pretends she is above it all. Growing genuine in her arrogance after training herself to not care all the time, convinced the way the world sees her doesn’t matter, because they don’t matter.

Aoi can’t use this defense when she already cares about someone, but she still naturally assumes the worst of people when it comes to how they view her, so something as small as a petty fight with someone whose views she deeply values can be extremely hurtful.

She is scared.

“Akane hates me, he doesn’t want to be friends anymore, he never liked me in the first place!"

She is also visibly angry: She hates that she cares, she hates that she can’t hide it. Notice how she doesn’t say anything or try to run after Akane. She is trying very hard to convince herself she “Doesn’t care”, she wants so badly to ignore Akane, or to hate him, but she can’t do either, so she defaults to being angry at herself.

The reason Akane finds her crying so cute is not because the tears look cute, is because it shows how much she cares about him. Under all that bravado and arrogance Aoi is a sensitive girl who wants to be loved, and she is very attached to the people she considers friends, she can act tough all she wants but if a loved one says "I hate you" she is so distressed she cries.

Aoi hates how sweet and 'weak' her heart under all her icy defenses. Akane finds it cute.

Akane was her only friend for most of her life, so the person she pays the most attention to, and the one she compares herself to the most is Akane.

Akane is the direct opposite of her: People are unfair to Aoi and she react by closing her heart so no one can hurt her. People are unfair to Akane, making him do annoying work without giving him anything in return, and he reacts by loudly acknowledging people are being unfair instead of bottling up any discomfort, and trying his best anyways instead of running away, keeping his heart open and wearing his emotions and feelings on his sleeves. 

Akane doesn’t care about others opinion of him, he’ll swing his bat like a crazy person at school and be rude as fuck to people he just met, but he help other because he wants to help, he is a nice person.

In comparison to Akane, Aoi feels selfish, cruel, and cold. She only ever cares and worries about her close friends because their opinions matter to her.

Akane is someone even she, with all her walls, can’t help but love. And since she is the oppose of him... Is easy to come to the conclusion she is unlovable. She may not care about a stranger calling her a slut, but she can see people don’t like her. Again and again, people always find some problem with her.

She hates herself too, so she is convinced even the people that claim they love her don’t care about her, they just love the sweet personality they come up with after seeing her pretty face, and they’ll hate her when they realize there is more to her than a cutesy smile.

She is unlovable by design, so she assumes the only reason her friends don’t hate her yet, is because they don’t know her true self.

The “cute, sweet, and friendly, popular girl with a pretty face!” is loved. She is Nene’s best friend, the girl all the guys want and all the girls envy.

But Aoi? The arrogant and distant coward that is scared of caring too much? She isn’t loved by anyone. She is sure she will be rejected if she act honest, so she doesn’t even try.

Her life was never a “perfect life”. 

Aoi is either by Nene's or Akane’s side. She isn’t close to anyone else.

The manga is in Nene’s point of view so her situation is narrated through rose tinted glasses: Nene lives in a fantasy world where Aoi’s life is perfect since being popular is Nene’s dream, so Aoi’s popular life must be amazing! Right?

Nene can’t break this view. Even when the truth stares her in the face. She does not change her view.

Aoi was a wreck when she tried to apologize, but she does regret trying to kill Nene, she wants to apologize, so she tries her best to get out of her comfort zone and face her biggest fears for Nene: She is willing to have a confrontation instead of hiding

Instead of asking Aoi how she feel, or making any questions about her behavior, Nene immediately dismissed all of Aoi’s actions. Nene doesn’t want to deal with Aoi’s problems, she just wants her popular bubbly friend back.

Their hug in chapter 96 means Nene embraced the “popular girl bff with a pretty face” and rejected Aoi. 

Aoi is hurt by this, but she is a coward, so she accepts it, pretending nothing happened. (I go into more detail about Nene’s views, and why Aoi doesn’t open up: Here.)

Despite all her flaws, Aoi is not nearly as bad as she sees herself as, she is mostly insecure, desperate to be loved even when she feel like she doesn’t particularly deserve it. 

She is harsh on herself, wanting to keep all her emotions under tight control, but she is sweet to her friends, she genuinely loves them and tries to fight her bad habits. She wants them to be happy! 

She’ll get invested in topics she doesn’t personally care about, because she knows Nene likes it, and worry about Akane’s health for the simple reason that she cares, she wants the best for them.

Her sweet side clashes with her bad habit to always assume the worst.

Despite being a sweet girl at heart, caring about others is still very painful. It does not come easy for Aoi, who has trained herself to be isolated from her peers.

She wants her friends to look at her, she wants to be important and be reassured she is loved! But even when she is shown love, she doesn’t believe in it

She convinced herself they don’t care about her, just like all these strangers don’t care about her. And she is arrogant enough to believe she is always right, so if she can’t see this ‘wonderful girl’ Akane sees, it just means Akane is the wrong one. That this isn’t her insecurities talking, Akane is the one lying, he is the one that doesn’t truly love her. 

 Aoi believes she has misled him just like she had misled Nene, and she wants to talk about it, she wants to be honest, she is so tired of hiding her flaws! But she is too scared to risk losing the love she is given so she will keep hiding, she’ll keep lying to herself that it doesn’t matter, as she has done since she was a small child.

All the things that she claims to hate about Akane, the things that make her feel envious, and lacking in comparison, are also what she wishes she had, things she genuinely admires about him. Things that make him so special and “easy to love” in her eyes.

The idea Akane isn’t lovable does not compute to her. She never says “he is not my type” even when she is neck deep in denial because to Aoi, only an idiot wouldn’t see how lovable Akane is, and Aoi is too arrogant to lower herself to the level of an idiot.

She adores him so much that even when she believes the “cute humble and popular Aoi” is the only Aoi he’ll ever love, she can’t let go. She keeps him at arm's length to not get too attached, but she can’t bring herself to truly run away, to reject him point blank.

She wants him after all, when we get a glimpse of her alone with her defenses down, she melts just from watching him work hard.

She wants them to be closer (unrelated but I can’t get over how she went “watching Akane from my window isn’t enough, let me lean on my balcony, so we are closer.”)

She wants them to be side by side. She wants to accept his confessions. But she is too scared to admit even to herself that she is smitten.

Opening up is hard for her after all, and admitting he cares about him so much? That’s terrifying. 

So she runs. 

Because if Akane gets too close he might see her flaws, and if her “unlovable self” make him stop loving her, if her flaws make him leave her, she will crumble.

When her usual defense of “I don’t care, you can’t hurt me!” isn’t effective, her second one is to distance herself from what is hurting her so she has some ‘control’ of the situation.

The drug no.6 gave her may have lowered her empathy, but “discarding people so they can’t hurt her” and “running far far away” has always been an itch she had. She always dismisses any stranger from her life, because she doesn't need them. She always runs away when she is hurt.

Is a desire born from the ugliest, most selfish, and insecure parts of her heart, something her kinder and friendlier side never allowed her to act on. But it is a part of her, the one she hates: this is the “unlovable Aoi” to the extreme, fully out.

Is a part she constantly tries to hide, but is always there, as important to her character as her kindness. A part of her that is resentful of the world and wants to stop caring altogether, to hide and hide forever, make it so only she can hurt herself.

She assumes if Nene asks Akane out he’ll accept, despite how much Akane only focuses on her, so she spends a week without going to school to spare herself the pain.

She accepts Akane “have been lying and secretly still likes Lemon” right away because of a silly ghost game, going straight into depressive mode and running away from the pain.

She genuinely wants Akane to be happy, and while she wants him to be happy with her, she hates her possessive nature, using her usual defense mechanism and trying to convince herself she doesn’t care about him, that he is disposable.

She doesn’t want to hurt anyone but she is arrogant, so she doesn’t protest or do anything to show she likes Akane (even when its obvious), going “I hope you’re happy” and running before she says what she really wants and ‘ruin their fun’ and ‘give her feelings away’.

She wants control over the situation: To leave before others ‘inevitably’ leave her. And Akane knows.

But he genuinely like her for who she is, he know how sensitive she is under her smile, so he always run after her to calm her down.

Akane is her biggest weakness and Aoi despises feeling weak and out of control. So her crush on him is a two edge sword.

She genuinely believed Akane doesn’t love her real self, but she also used it as an excuse to have control over her crush, to justify her lack of courage to pursue a relationship. 

She is still the same scared kid that cried when Akane said he hates her and got mad at herself for crying about it.

She is too arrogant to admit Akane has control over her feelings even when her composure is shattered.

Part of her genuinely doesn’t want to care, she wants to raise her walls and keep Akane away so he can’t hurt her! That is why she stabbed him and tried to throw him away in the first place.

She tries so hard to use her usual “I don’t care about you, so your opinion can’t hurt me” strategy with him, it's frustrating that it doesn’t work. 

She is a flustered mess by the point Akane start gushing about a flaw she hates so much and makes her life difficult.

The reason she is uncomfortable with Akane is because she is uncomfortable when she can’t control her emotions. And Akane? He could make her blush even when his approach was so tactless she dissociated from his shower of  neverending compliments, so this assertive approach, practically forcing Aoi to accept that he likes her for who she is and that she can’t run away from his love no matter how hard she tries, it’s as much of a dream (she always wanted to be loved fully) as it is a nightmare (he is too direct! He does not give this poor coward a break!!).

He doesn’t allow her any escape. He is taking her far far away from her comfort zone. Her panic is completely and utterly genuine. Help her cause she does not know what to do.

She isn’t able to give him a verbal answer when Akane asks “Do you like me, even just a little bit?” but Akane never expected an answer.

He only acted so bold in the first place (holding her and kissing her neck) because at this point, he already knows she loves him.

Aoi doesn’t deny his claim, she doesn’t use meaningless excuses like “We can’t marry because that would make me Aoi Aoi” , she just... cling to him, holding on.

Only after she hugs him back (which is a silent “I love you too” in this context) does Akane go for the kiss.

Let's compare when Akane tries to kiss her to a similar scene where she is genuinely uncomfortable so I can show you she is more nervous and flustered by his advances than truly scared or uneasy.

In chapter 24 Hanako possessed Nene and tried to ‘seduce’ Aoi. Aoi had no idea supernaturals exist at the time, and she even goes “Nene-chan...?” to show she fully believes this is Nene, not some ghost possessing her friend. 

There is a lot of focus on Nene’s reaction, an attempt to make it comedic, but Aoi is extremely uncomfortable with this forceful behavior.

Aoi likes Nene, Nene is one of the two people she considers a friend, but she hated this: She is sweating, there isn’t even a hint of blush on her face, and she keep her hands far away, having her back on a wall. She likes to hold hands with Nene, comfortable being touchy with her friend, but in this situation, her instinct is to lean away. She doesn’t want it. She is uneasy.

Now let's go back to chapter 69. There are a lot of similarities, both Hanako (who she assume is Nene) and Akane hold her chin before trying to kiss her and both have her backed into a wall. Akane should arguably be worst cause she hasn’t been touchy with him in years while she is constantly holding Nene’s hand, but not only does Aoi blush, she doesn’t try to run from her feelings like usual, she reaches for him, holding on to his jacket.

She isn’t confident, she is sweating and shocked, (which makes sense considering how chaotic her night have been) but there is light in her eyes: She is scared, but she wants to kiss him too.

She have craved to be closer to Akane for ages but this talk didn’t magically heal her issues, no matter how much she dislikes this part of her, she is still an arrogant coward at heart: This kiss is hard for her. Any sort of intimacy is. It goes agaist her instinct to hide and sabotage herself.

That’s why she always blushes hard and gets extremely nervous with Akane when he gets too close. Even when what he is doing isn’t forceful, it feels overwhelming to Aoi.

She needs to hold back the urge to run. She needs to fight the urge to think about the worst and trust him, allow Akane to have sway over her emotions.

She still have a long way to go, and I’m rooting for her.

[gothhabiba]

I make video essays (not frequently but I'm trying to get back into it) and I have wondered about blind accessibility before but I haven't really found much information that isn't VERY general. Do you have any resources or tips? Because frankly, the reason I make video essays and not say podcasts or just blog posts about these topics is because it is both an audio and visual medium. I can show graphs for things, play clips of movies or songs, etc. and I use captions but when I search for how to make it accessible for the blind all the information I find isn't that applicable to content that's as, dynamic I guess. Like the most common things I see are "identify who's speaking" or "read out text" (which I generally do) but what about clips from other media, graphs, things like that? Especially if im talking about a visual topic like set design or something.

n.b. I'm not blind or low-vision & I'm just brainstorming here.

image descriptions & accessibility aren't quite one-size-fits-all, because thoroughness always comes at the expense of time. you have to ask yourself what information you're trying to communicate with an image or clip. if the entire video is an analysis of a visual artwork, for example, you'd want to describe the image in enough detail that people could not only understand your analysis, but also come to their own analytical conclusions. if, on the other hand, you're just pasting in a line graph to compare two of the numbers in it as a smaller part of a larger point, it's not necessary or worth it to state every value of every variable at every point in time on the graph... just give an idea of the trend you're referring to.

some thoughts:

Any image description is better than no description. Briefly describe something rather than allow the thought of describing it thoroughly to overwhelm you such that you end up doing nothing.

Relatedly: don't think of things in terms of "is the exact same amount and type of information available to sighted and blind people watching this," but rather, "without the visual component, does this basically make sense / can I basically follow the main point?"

What this means is that at no point should there be information that is solely visual in nature, like my example of several seconds of silence where you can only assume that there's probably text on the screen but have no idea what that text says and whether it's a clarification, disclaimer, or even a retraction. It would be best to read this text out, but I've also seen a "text on screen" section in the description box of a video that gives the text in full and the time stamps at which the text appears.

Briefly state what it is about a clip or graph you're inserting that makes it useful for your point. Rather than "and you can see the results of that decision here *a few frames of a graph*," say "and you can see the results of that decision in the sharp downward turn in profits starting in 2009 *a few frames of the graph*." If it's available, link the source of a graph or chart in the description box—it may have alt text or be screenreader accessible at the source website.

Inserting a brief image description into the script after introducing e.g. a photo of a set should be feasible enough, but I also think it's possible to fold the image description into the analysis. This just means making sure that there's never a visual component with no audio equivalent—rather than saying "the stuff that's going on back here *circle part of the screen* has a haunting effect," say "the fact that the furniture in the background is jumbled, worn down, and uncomfortable-looking has a haunting effect." I think explicitly pointing out what about a scene you're responding to is just part of good analysis anyway!

Introduce a clip with a rundown of who's speaking in it and what's going on ("you can see [main point] in this clip, in which Elizabeth confronts Darcy about his meddling in Bingley's affairs"). Play the clip, and then describe anything else about it that's relevant to your analysis ("the fact that she's sitting while he paces back and forth indexes the relationship between gender and space in the film" or whatever). Again, this is just good analysis.

If there's something really central that would take a long time to describe, you could use the description box to image describe it (the same way you would write any other image description) and give a timestamp, and say something like "image description in the box below" when you reach that part of the video.

Sometimes at poetry readings, conferences &c. I've seen people give a description of their appearance, what they're wearing &c. before they begin speaking. I'm not sure how necessary this is—probably some blind people find it interesting and others think it's a waste of time, lmao

[essycogany]

Amy’s Eye Color

Since I couldn’t get this off my mind I’ve decided to dive deep into the abyss of character design. I’ll mostly add on to what I said in my tags in the, “What Eye Color Looks Good On Amy Rose,” voting post and elaborate.

Short History

Amy’s eye color from the start of her redesign in Sonic Adventure has always been the same as Sonic’s. A warm green that use to be apart of Amy’s classic dress. Which is a nice detail in my opinion. The pink hedgehog’s eyes has been somewhat consistent with Sonic’s from official art, 3D models, to the comics.

It almost always been that way aside from Sonic X. Where her eyes are on the cooler side then Sonic’s. Jade or Emerald to be specific. Her eyes are closer to the color of jewelry. While Sonic has a warmer grassier colored green. I like jade or emerald on Amy’s eyes as well, but I want to keep the topic consistent and less complicated then it already is.

Anyways, I think the minor inconsistencies was done for artistic vision or whenever the lighting would change in the comics. To be honest I’ve noticed color inconsistencies all the time when it comes to Sonic characters. Which isn’t a bad thing. It just shows how much variety you can have when it comes to these characters.

My Thoughts On Amy’s Eye Color

I don’t mind Amy’s eyes being the same as Sonic’s. It doesn’t look bad on her and is one of the reasons her design is as iconic as it is. Especially since it’s been a part of her for so long.

But let’s get into why I personally prefer teal.

I’m no color theory expert, but I’ll do my best. Also, not every Sonic character or cartoon character period, follows these rules. Just a good majority of them do.

Sonic: Blue is a primary color and green is a secondary color. Because green complements blue Sonic’s eyes stands out. Not to mention they symbolize his energy and love for nature.

Blaze: Purple is a secondary color and gold is a primary color. Her purple fur works amazingly with her harsh gold eyes. Symbolizing her fire powers. Also I’ve noticed a few artist add a bit of a reddish orange to her and Silvers eyes and I think they look lovely.

Amy: She’s a bit complicated. Since her red dress takes up most of her design I’ll use it as Amy’s primary color. I believe teal would be a better secondary color for Amy because it stands out a bit better and is less harsh then green. It gives Amy a softer look too.

Teal and pink is also a wonderful combination in general because they balance each other out. With pink’s warmth and energy going with the teal’s calm and coolness. Giving off a more enchanted and mystical feeling to Amy’s eyes. It perfectly compliments her personality too because she’s an energetic character with a soft and sweet nature.

Here are some characters with similar color tones:

They’re not all similar characteristically, but what most of them have in common is they’re kind natured and they’ll protect the people they care about. Just like a certain pink hedgehog.

See how the eyes are the first thing you notice?

These are around what I have in mind( jade/emerald are cooler greens so they work too):

The main reason I prefer Amy’s eyes to be teal is due to a lot of amazing fan-artist. I won’t give out names, (because there’s a bunch of them) but they are so brilliant and I appreciate what they bring to the Sonic feast of wonderful art.

I’ve seen it so much to the point when I think “Amy Rose,” I see her with teal eyes. I know it’s silly, but that’s genuinely what I feel works for her. Besides I enjoy talking about weird topics like these. It keeps the mind turning, you know.

I appreciate the official artist and 3D models as well. Even if Amy’s eyes are barely ever teal, she still looks wonderful without them because of those talented people.

Conclusion

Will Amy’s eyes ever be teal? Probably not. Does any of this matter? No.

Teal eyes or not Amy Rose is a wonderful Sonic character. I hope you had fun with me on exploring this wild world of colors and character design.

Stay Creative! 💜

[sparrowhero]

could u do a hawks, dabi, and shigaraki x weird! reader hcs? like reader sometimes says the most out of pocket shit and they have a interesting background already involved in crime b4 they met them?

oh this is right up my alley. alright, here we go!

Weird!Reader HCs-- Hawks, Shigaraki, Dabi under cut

Hawks

Depending on the severity and legality of said weird shit, he either thinks it's funny or is a little bit concerned. It's usually the former, but if you're a rehabilitated (or at least, trying to rehabilitate yourself), he's going to be the angel on your shoulder saying "Maybe we shouldn't light that guy's house on fire, babe. Even if nobody could prove it"

If it's more mundane out of pocket shit, like "I used to eat bugs out of the dirt and pretend I was Timon and Pumba from Lion King", he's more likely to be like "Word, I used to pretend I was Simba." While he's also a very naturally serious guy in his work, being able to be genuinely carefree and silly helps relax him.

He's so used to being able to read people and calculate their reactions and intentions, so not being able to predict whatever the fuck may come out of your mouth next is a real treat for him. Keeps things fresh and exciting in a world where so many things can bore him. He's also just kind of a hype man for his significant other anyways so he's just as much the type to be like "Ain't that cute?" whenever you say something that most other people would kind of raise their eyebrow about.

It would be hypocritical of him to judge you for your past, but he really won't tolerate that shit now. He secretly finds it a little hot that you used to be 'bad' but the less he knows about the serious things you may or may not have done, the better. He cannot defend you if they find a body in your apartment, sweetheart, no matter how much you make those eyes.

Shigaraki

Plays the straight man perfectly to your funny guy. He always has a smartass remark or raised eyebrow when you say something, but also plays along completely seriously every single time without fail.

"Would you still love me if I was a worm?"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Shigaraki thinks for a moment. "...I'd at least get you some kind of dirt bowl to live in until you turned back."

He likes to bounce potential ideas off of you because of your experiences. You can say some weird shit, but more often than not, you can find the exploitable loopholes in "traditional" thinking. That's a skill one needs when trying to completely overthrow and restructure society. Even in your weirdness, most of your suggestions have more basis than some of the other opinions in the league. Besides, you make him laugh. That's a rare skill around there. He never admits it, just turns around and you can see his shoulders shake a little bit.

You cannot be trusted around Toga and Twice because the three of you will somehow create the most intricate inside jokes that make sense to nobody but the three of you. It's nice that you all get along, though. He won't participate but he does sit close by so he can hear you laugh and enjoy yourself.

Dabi

Takes everything you say in stride. He's around weirdos at the League all day anyways, one more by his side can't hurt-- besides, a little strangeness is far from a crime. There are worse things you can say or do. Sometimes he raises an eyebrow or ignores if it's really an inappropriate or unreasonable/feasible response for the situation, but that's rare.

Unlike Hawks or Shigaraki, he's going to play along with you more than the other two. Like...maybe you SHOULD kill that guy. You might have a point. You have an uncanny habit of saying exactly what he was thinking or wants to hear, which earns points with him.

More of the type to have discussions with you based on the weird shit you say. He likes to know why you say certain things, the conclusions that brought you there, things like that. He likes to pick apart your brain to figure out just how it 'ticks' and why he can't get enough of it.

One of his favorite things to do is just watch you while you go off on one of your tangents. He doesn't always have something to say, so he just listens and absorbs whatever it is that you have going on. Sometimes it's your past (a wild ride, definitely), sometimes it's just wherever the conversation leads you. Doesn't judge you on what you may have had to do or experience to get where you are, the important thing is you're with him now for a truly important purpose.

[grandmother-goblin]

Okay, I’m gonna share some thoughts about Astarion in regards to sex and sexuality now that the full game is out and I’ve played through his romance twice at the time of posting this!

Now, I will say this as a preface: THIS IS MY OPINION ABOUT A FICTIONAL CHARACTER! My own experience colors my interpretation of the character, just like your experiences colors your interpretation. I’m not saying any interpretation is wrong or right, and if you happen to disagree with me, that’s fine! I’m not fighting you. I just wanted to share my thoughts because I enjoy this character and I enjoy writing him in fanfiction!

First, to me, Astarion is pansexual. The voice actor and game developers have confirmed this from what I know, and I’m not about to disagree with them. With all the attention to detail that the developers and writers put into the story, if Astarion was meant to be anything other than pansexual, he would be. I firmly believe that. He expresses interest in men and women both in game, so to me, he’s pansexual.

This is probably just a personal ick for me, but it feels pretty bad when someone says they are (or in this case, a character is) bisexual or pansexual and others respond with “We know what you really are 😏.” Yeah? People have literally been told and taken it upon themselves to draw another conclusion than the one given. I feel like it’s dismissive and it makes me sad that I see it all over the place.

On to his attitude towards sex in general, I’ve seen a popular post saying that he is “sex-adverse”. I don’t agree with that. At least, not with the definition I’m working with which puts “sex-adverse” on the same spectrum as asexuality such that it’s just a trait someone has rather than a state of being. Someone can not want to have sex, or not want to have sex for a long time, without being sex-adverse. (Now, my definition might be wrong, Google may have lied to me, and if that is the case I am very sorry. I’m not a smart woman but I try my best lol)

I think sex is something he used to enjoy, and it’s something that he wants to enjoy again, but it was tainted after everything he went through. I think he craves the emotional intimacy/closeness that can come with it rather than just the purely physical sensations. With what he had to do for Cazador, separating his feelings from what he physically did seems to have become second nature to him. I think this is apparent when the narrator or Tav noticed that he’s “not all there” when it comes to intimate scenes. It’s something he had to do, and the ramifications of being forced into something like that is not something that can be undone overnight.

He wants to take some time to figure out how to reconnect physical intimacy with his emotions. He needs time to build a relationship with a partner and know for certain that it’s not based on sex alone. Of course he’s gonna want to step on the breaks for a bit. It makes sense. If Tav really wants him, Tav won’t push it. This is confirmed when Tav pressures him into sex after he confesses his feelings towards it, Astarion decides immediately afterwards that Tav only wants him for “the one thing he’s good at” and breaks things off with them.

Astarion craves a romantic relationship built on something more than just the physical. But he just doesn’t know how to go about that anymore! Feeling close to someone, or showing genuine compassion or care for someone, is something that was turned against him in the past. The fact that he feels anything at all for Tav is probably terrifying to him!

Is Tav the first person to genuinely care for him since he became a vampire? I don’t think so. Not by a long shot. But I think Tav is the first person that he got to spend enough time with that he realized that they cared. I’m sure plenty of his victims actually cared for him, but he couldn’t open himself to care back. He needed to kill them anyway, so what was the point?

Tav is potentially the first friend he’s had in centuries. I am of the odd opinion that he actually kind of liked Tav by the time he first tried to seduce them, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t manipulating them. After the bite scene, especially if Tav lets him feed on them, it has to register to him that Tav can be more than just another one of his victims. He can use Tav, and ally himself to Tav for protection so they don’t turn on him, but he also has an opportunity that he hasn’t had in a long time: the chance to actually get to know someone.

And once he gets to know a Tav who actually has his best interests at heart, and he realizes this, Astarion doesn’t know how to act. He was used for his body for centuries, so surely that has to be all Tav is after as well, right? I think this ties in with his confession and what I said earlier really nicely. If Tav still wants him for him after he confesses that he was trying to manipulate them, if Tav forgives him and still wants a relationship regardless of whether or not they have sex, then he knows for certain, for the first time in centuries, that someone isn’t using him for his body.

That probably needs time to sink in. Not only that, but taking a break from sex altogether would help reaffirm to him that Tav likes him for him. Now, this is where the Halsin/polyamory thing kind of bugs me. If Tav hooks up with Halsin, and asks Astarion’s permission, he gives permission but also says something like “is this because we haven’t done it in a while?” IT IS STILL ON HIS MIND! That’s why the polyamory route with Astarion bugs me because Tav hooking up with someone else, especially when he’s in such a vulnerable state, probably just tells him “well, we stopped having sex and now I’m not enough for them.” Now, I think Astarion is perfectly capable of having a healthy polyamorous relationship, but I think he would have to be close with everyone involved in order not to feel like he did something wrong.

I can probably keep talking about this topic for a while, but I’m gonna leave it here. Again, these are just my opinions about a fictional character! Your opinions may differ and that’s totally fine! Don’t yell at me, I'm fragile.

[citronverveine]

xie lian: cultivation and emotional repression -> delayed trauma reaction

cw non-descriptive talk about self-harm for the first few paragraphs (really nothing graphic, just mentions)

i was thinking about whether xie lian would self-harm or not in canonverse (he does harm himself in many ways but i was thinking of our contemporary trend of self-harming through cutting) and i thought he probably wouldn't since it probably wouldn't fit in the path he follows.

I think what reminded me of this was the funny subtitle in the new episode (S2 E01) "I can't drink too much or I'll go crazy" (something like that). the phrasing is funny so i remembered it. We tend to focus a lot on the sexual abstainance of his path, but his path is generally about avoiding vices and keeping his heart and mind still as a lake. or something. promiscuity and alcohol are forbidden, but so are other drugs, so is gambling, and i wouldn't be surprised if harming himself on purpose was forbidden too.

of course, xie lian repeatedly harms himself on purpose, quite a lot and quite deeply, but he always somewhat has an excuse, it's never simply gratuitous. there's always a reason: he stabs himself to escape the land of the tender, he almost swallows a sword when trying to catch the fetus spirit, he's hurt by eming when he jumps between lqq and hua cheng, there are probably other examples we could find, but it's never simply because he wants the pain.

so anyway. i came to the conclusion that harming himself on purpose probably counted as a not very in touch with his cultivation, and from then on wondered about his overall mental health. the thing about xie lian is that he is constantly detached from his... past slash emotions. he rationally knows things but he keeps them at a distance (there is a lot to be said about this and his relationship with hua cheng, from start to finish, but i'll keep this for another time).

I was thinking about how his cultivation most likely played a role in that. to be honest, it's not a bad thing at all, because going through the things he went through (even besides/after book 4), anyone else would have gone insane. but he didn't.

i always wondered about why exactly xie lian didn't give up on his cultivation rules while in banishment. because he wasn't cultivating anymore. he could have stopped following the rules. but he didn't. i always found that very interesting. i came up with several possible reasons, but i could add a new one to the list: maybe it was something that helped him not go insane.

he did not actively cultivate, but following the rules and doing his best to keep his spirit pure might have "helped" him repress the... well, the trauma. it's also a natural reaction, to be honest, but because xie lian cultivates, i think it's interesting to think about how it could have impacted this process.

Anyway. So to sum it up, I wondered about whether Xie Lian could self-harm or not, came with the conclusion that he couldn't and that cultivation also led to emotional repression (to keep a pure mind), and now, my final point:

What if the moment Xie Lian breaks his cultivation is also the moment he starts feeling all of his repressed emotions?

something very common in traumatized people is that they start feeling the effects of trauma or realizing the extent of their trauma once they are out of the situation. i always thought this would be the case with xie lian - once hua cheng is back, all is back to normal, he can live a happy life, and boom, the weight of everything that has ever happened to him gets in the way (and they sort it out, of course), but I never knew what would be the exact trigger, when it could start exactly.

now that i made the link between cultivation and repression, i definitely think it would be interesting to see Xie Lian break his cultivation, have sex with Hua Cheng, maybe marking the beginning of their married life, and then from then on, as he lets go gradually, he starts feeling the mental effects. I thought he could even think it was a bad idea, get worried about the effect of breaking his cultivation, wondering what is happening to him. they would research and eventually realize - maybe as Xie Lian processes it a bit more - that it's just a natural reaction.

i think that's all i wanted to say! this was quite long but i thought it was interesting. let me know your thoughts on this, whether you agree or not. disclaimer that I'm not chinese and do not know enough about chinese culture/philosophy to really know if this interpretation is really correct (mostly the talk about cultivation) (although it is undeniable that xie lian's cultivation in tgcf has EffectsTM on him) (maybe that will be for another post)

[alldaysarenights]

On Discworld…

…and the things I’ve learned so far.

I know, I’m late, but sometimes it’s fun to discover something on your own and in your time.

Recently, I’ve started reading the Discworld series, beginning with Rincewind. And there are so many tiny things I’ve discovered, I don’t even know where to start.

I’ll give D&D a go first. As a passionate player and also a I-once-ran-a-short-campaign DM, I couldn’t but notice all the references there to find, especially with Rincewind. Right now I’m 4 books into his story, barely at the beginning, yet I’ve laughed my a** off a few times. Always wondering what he took from a former campaign. Well, at first I wondered if Sir Pratchett actually played. The internet was quick to answer the question, yes, yes of course he did. Would have been more surprised, if he didn’t.

I discovered stuff about the gods playing dice and there are sorcerer, barbarians and the luggage, which slightly reminds me of a mimic. But I guess this beast came afterwards. I told the other players of my group, and they agreed on the resemblance. Now we definitely have the plan, to tame a mimic, lol.

I could quote you so much stuff, but I’d fancy you going on an adventure and see it for yourself. Read the books, assemble some good friends, and have some fun on a silly campaign. Not necessarily in this order.

Next thing that keeps popping up in my mind, while reading, is Good Omens. I came from the Neil Gaiman side, getting lured in by Morpheus, whom I met doing some research. My comic book dealer was happy to help. Naturally, there was a point where I did read Good Omens. And it was weird, this was Gaiman, but also not, and it was so funny. I knew one day I would have to read Discworld. Unfortunately, I was a bit discouraged by the massive amount of books. The problem sorted out itself, after a friend, I’ve talked to about it, enabled me to read them.

With it came a list in which order I should proceed, so I happily jumped in, secretly nurturing the idea of reading all the books within a year. If it works out, no idea, we’ll see. If so, I might write another article on the experience.

Anyway, the point is, knowing Good Omens well as for watching the series multiple times and doing the same to the book (reading actually), I couldn’t but notice some stuff that definitely came from Terry’s side. Like phrases, he kept using. I did read: “Not as such” as an answer more than once. No matter who said it, in my imagination it was Crowley for a split second.

The first book got me so confused, I completely forgot that this was Terry Pratchett. I caught myself thinking, I was reading Neil Gaiman. This set my brain on halt and the world stood for a second. Amazing what books can do to you.

I’ve realised Death and the horsemen and how they seem unable to start a proper apocalypse. Also, sometimes there were phrases sounding a lot like Agnes Nutter. As well as the tone it is written in, the tiny wordings you sometimes aren’t aware of as an author. And it led me to the conclusion, (of course there is no other evidence and I could be totally wrong), that Neil must have invested a lot of time in re-reading the Discworld or maybe already know them by heart. For some of the things I’ve realised definitely played a part in GO2.

It is amazing how much two people can morph into one, and yet there must be a lot of work behind the scenes. I for my part can only hope that my writing buddy and I can get to this point some day. At least I’ll have to convince him to write a full-grown novel together first.

So you might ask yourself, and I know because so did I, what’s the whole point of this article? Fair enough. I came to the conclusion, that fun expands with knowledge. And I know, my sense of fun probably differs from that of others a lot. But if you are able to grasp those tiny hints and hidden pleasures, it can make a story twice as joyful.

So go out there and consume all those stories. Not just by reading. Listen to people telling their stories, watch movies, series, anime. Maybe go to the opera or watch a play. Memorise a poem or play a game. Find the medium which suits you well but keep on searching, you’ll never know what you might learn from it and what pleasures and magic are hidden in those stories. Because our world is built, or maybe better, powered by storytelling.

[twstwinnie]

Omg omg omg I’m so happy I found your blog the writing here is absolutely superb honestly. LOVE your characterisation for Floyd, do you happen to have any headcanons for how else he would act in a romantic relationship? Feel free to ignore if you don’t have the time or energy, but honestly your writing is amazing!!!!

✎ With You ~ Floyd Leech

summary: being in a relationship with Floyd Leech! Written in three parts! “Starry-Eyed” (mutual pining, crushing), “Say the Words!” (Leading up to, and eventual confession), and lastly! “At Last, With You” (how others react, and overall relationship things!)

tags: fluff, hurt/comfort, mutual pining, gn! reader

a/n: hi! thank you so much for the request, I honestly adore writing for floyd so i’m glad you enjoy how I characterize him! i’m finally getting around to requests, and requests are still open, however! if requests do not comply with my rules, i will delete them or adjust them accordingly! be sure to glance over rules in the pinned post before requesting to be safe! anyways, enjoy! — winnie ♥︎

✎ starry - eyed !

» Oh boy. When Floyd figures out that he has a crush on you, he’s absolutely elated. He’s never liked someone in that way before and that fuzzy, warm feeling is completely new to him. However, don’t be fooled. The realization does not come as quick as you might think. It takes a while for him to arrive at such a conclusion.

» After you two become friends, he finds himself talking about you constantly to anyone who will listen. When he’s with you, his eyes always seem naturally drawn to you. In class, he finds himself unable to focus, keen on admiring you instead. It gets him in trouble a number of times (being vehemently told by Crewel that it’s rude to stare). Honestly, he chalks it up to passing interest at first. You’re a new friend, and you’re interesting! Naturally, he’ll want to spend time with you whenever he can.

» But the more he talks about you, the more it shifts. He notices it when he’s talking to Jade. His conversations are less about what you both did together and more about things you do, small habits and quirks that he finds endearing. Jade points it out almost immediately, questioning if, perhaps, his brother had developed a crush of sorts. Floyd’s face flushing red, his heart picking up pace at the idea of being with you is an answer enough for them both.

» He has a crush. Someone he finds endearing enough to want more than just friendship. And wow, he can feel the emphasis on want. When he realizes how he feels, friendship isn’t enough for him. He becomes more affectionate towards you, wanting to see how much you’ll indulge him— wanting to catch a glimpse of a reaction.

» Floyd will hug you from behind, play with your hair when you’re hanging out, hold your hand— anything to be closer to you. Seeing that you don’t mind only encourages more. However, with the openness comes open judgement from onlookers.

» Those comments get to him. People thinking that he’s being “too much” and asking how you don’t get overwhelmed by his presence. But you quickly shut them down. Insisting that there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way Floyd acts. That he’s an amazing friend and any foul assumptions about him are baseless and come from ignorance. The way you defend him instantly at such comments only solidifies how he feels about you. He adores you. Rightfully so.

» Unfortunately, he still feels a little hesitant. He isn’t ready to tell you how he feels, but that just creates an entirely new dilemma. Seeing you with other people. Naturally, you’d be affectionate towards others, but if he witnesses it, he almost immediately gets in one of his foul moods. A frown plasters itself across his face and he angrily seats himself next to you, burying his face in your neck, vying for your attention. You always respond with a light laugh, telling whoever else you’d been talking to that you’d chat with them later. You always prioritized comforting Floyd first. Even if you didn’t know the root cause— even if you were unaware of his jealousy, you still provided that attention and comfort he needed because you were his friend.

» He wants so badly to be more than friends, though. He doesn’t want to see you fall for someone else. He wants you to look at him with the same adoring expression he sends you whenever you look away. Floyd just wants you to look his way. To see him in a romantic light. Eventually, he doesn’t care about the comments— the whispers that he isn’t good enough.

» Because he knows that you care about him. He knows that to you, he’s worth it. You’ve told him as much and he believes you over random strangers who haven’t taken the time of day to spend time with Floyd. They don’t know him like you do— and all he can do is hope that you feel the same.

✎ say the words !

» Floyd is, of course, the impulsive type. He’ll do anything so long as it entertains him enough. But with you, he wants to be careful. He doesn’t want to scare you off— to lose you. On top of that, he just wants you to know that the decision to confess— his decision to love you was not one based on impulse. He needs you to know that he’s serious, he’s deliberated, and he knows that this is what he wants.

» That being said, he doesn’t want to be too over the top or too scripted. You’ve always liked the unfiltered, real Floyd. The one who hugged a little too tight because he was excited. The one who picked fights and got hyped about it— that’s who you liked because it was the genuine him. After all, that’s why he loved you so much. You never wanted to change him, so it’d be an insult if he changed how he acted on your behalf. In fact, he could practically hear that echo of you telling him that you loved who he was now, not who everyone wanted him to be.

» Eventually, he settles on something cute, silly and fun like him. A cheesy, hand-drawn letter with eels, octopi, fish and bubbles spanning the cover— all penned by his own hand. He writes you a message inside, expressing that he really likes you (for real!) and hoped that you’d maybe let him take you on a date. Finishing the card, Floyd was all smiles, excited to give it to you. So much so that he can hardly focus on his work in Monstro Lounge. He brings it up consistently, saying how he was finally gonna ask you out— finally take that leap. Jade and Azul don’t have the heart to discipline him when he looks so genuinely excited, toothy grin and all.

» Making the card and giving it to you are two entirely different beasts, though. Rude, discouraging comments from other students really put him in a foul mood, and he doesn’t want to scare you off by being in a bad mood when he gives you the card. Though, he quickly reminds himself that you’d never be scared of him. That no matter what, you’d be there. So in his upset mood, he stomps over to you during lunch, draping himself against your side as he usually did, hiding his face in your neck. You glance at him and pat his head gently in response.

» “What’s the matter?” You ask softly. Floyd groans and pulls back to look at you.

» “Nasty comments from those stupid fishies… sayin’ I don’t deserve you. I was gonna give you something then they ran their mouth. I wanted to squeeze them so bad.” He muttered and you laughed lightly.

» “They don’t know a thing, don’t worry. I think you should give it to me anyway. What they say won’t change the fact that I choose to spend time with you.” You insisted. Floyd gave a happy smile, quickly digging the card out of his bag and handing it to you. You brighten at the design of the obviously handmade card, heart warming at the effort he made.

» When you open it and read it, you go silent. Floyd worries at first, preparing himself for potential rejection, but quickly notices the flush on your cheeks as you hide your face with the card.

» You hug him tightly and respond to his confession with a bright expression and a warm smile. A resounding “yes” that pulls Floyd right out of his bad mood and causes him to squeeze you tightly in his arms.

✎ at last , with you !

» If the rumors were bad before you got with Floyd, actually dating him makes things far worse. Constant whispers of how you could possibly date a monster like him, or if you’d even last that long. It’s a bunch of nonsense, though. Because you know Floyd. He would never hurt you and if they ever tried actually getting to know him beyond that scary persona everyone sees, then they’d know. They’d know that Floyd’s an amazing boyfriend.

» Azul and Jade are the first to find out because of Floyd’s mood swings becoming less frequent and him smiling more at his phone during his breaks. It’s confirmed when you walk into Monstro Lounge and he immediately rushes to you, seating you with an absolutely excited, adoring expression on his face. One that’s returned by you, no less. That being said, they support your relationship wholeheartedly. Jade talks with you and learns that your intentions are pure as can be, happy to trust Floyd to you. Azul realizes that while yes, Floyd got distracted whenever you came in, he tended to work harder and faster in hopes to have more time with you. And of course, Floyd was his friend. You made him happy. Azul would be insane not to approve of you.

» Your friends are certainly hesitant at first, Ace even asking if it’s some dare— but when they see how happy you get around him, they can’t help but cease any objections. Floyd lacked any sort of dark, scheming expression that they were used to whenever you were around. Instead, he slung an arm around your shoulders, laughing along with you. It was obvious that you both were a happy pair, but that didn’t stop them from being protective. Floyd got a very insistent “hurt them and we hurt you” conversation that he merely laughed at in response, saying that your friends never had to worry. Floyd would be the one to hurt anyone who dared wipe that smile from your face, after all.

» Expect many spontaneous dates when with Floyd. If you tell him you’re free at any point in time, even weeks in advance, you can expect that he may plan something on that day without your knowledge. If it’s night time and you both aren’t tired, he’ll sweep you away from your dorm and take you off campus towards the beach. He doesn’t care if he gets in trouble, because for you it’s worth it. You’ll spend the night splashing around, stargazing, just enjoying being together without the prying eyes of the student body watching you.

» He carries you back when you get tired, smiling down at you as he sneaks you both back into his dorm room. He lends you some clothes, and you two fall asleep intertwined together. Floyd does night dates often. Honestly, it’s because he likes waking up next to you. He’s told you as much whenever you try to insist that you have to go back to your own dorm. He whines and whines until you eventually lament, and he responds with a cheery smile. Floyd is your weakness and he absolutely takes advantage of that sometimes.

» A favorite date for you both, though, is when he takes you into the Coral Sea. You get to see his eel form, and he’s absolutely beaming under your admiration. No matter how many times you see it, you never get any less amazed. Floyd takes on an entirely different form. All the more for you to love, though.

» He lets you wrap your arms around him as he swims around, taking you to some of his favorite spots around the Sea. Unfortunately, it’s usually too cold to take you back to his hometown, but he hopes that one day he can. He wants his family to meet the person that he’s chosen— the one who loves him despite all of their differences. The one who doesn’t care about his slightly threatening nature, someone who was never scared away by who he was.

» But he settles for just showing you around the Coral Sea when he can. When you both leave, you’re usually absolutely exhausted, so you both spend the rest of the day relaxing together. As he looks down at you with a dopey, elated smile, he knows.

» You’re the one for him. You’re the one who’ll love him no matter what— the one who’s gonna remain dutifully at his side. You support him at all of his basketball games, visit him at the Lounge so he can still see you even if he’s busy— and you study with him when you know it’s hard for him to focus. You make him his favorite foods when you know he’s struggling, and you’re the metaphorical shield between him and all of the spiteful, hurtful comments that others spew. The ones you know effect him more than he lets on. You’re everything he’s wanted in a partner and more.

» As he slowly drifts off to sleep beside you, comfortable in your presence, he knows one thing for certain.

» Floyd Leech absolutely loves you. And he’ll do anything he can to make sure you never forget that fact.

— fin.

[4dkellysworld]

https://www.tumblr.com/lains-journal/740719832491753472/so-something-that-feels-odd-to-me-is-that-using?source=share

Regarding this, I understand the point will never be to gain a desire but to free myself from desiring and wishing. For me, that was through understanding that I don't lack anything. Ego does lack, but do I really lack anything? Through that I found my desires to be fulfilled internally, I no longer really care that much about what's going on externally, I'm no longer waiting for any materialization (at least as much, and if i see myself caring i sit back and start observing again) and I'm not trying to do so. This indifference to the negative circumstances, at least most of the time is natural.

I've seen people "manifest" using ND by doing that. I've seen bloggers also saying it's not impossible to "manifest" using ND. Yes deep inside I know, or at least like to know that externally, the desire will be materialising soon. Yes I'm comfortable as self but I also didn't face any problem from giving myself internally/ as self the desire and I know that later on it will probably show up externally but for now I'm comfortable with having it internally. I see this mindset having a negative spotlight in the ND community however, that this is a "to get something" approach but I came here searching for peace of mind first, I found myself able to give myself peace of mind by giving myself desires internally too. And as far as I'm concerned they will materialise externally anyways. I know I should always use myself as the first guide and pick what resonates with me, but I quite don't understand what could really be "wrong" with this mindset, is it not also a right path? I would love to just have your input on this :)

If it's what you feel led to do then it's the right path for you and you don't need my validation. But since you want my input, I will share what I think.

There are many layers to answering your question so warning, this is a long post. I'll start with the reasons why it could work and then talk about the caveats/warnings. I don't have a hard conclusion on whether this is right or wrong, but perhaps this answer can give you some insight and confidence in your own choice, whatever it may be in the end.

I think so long you don't have any expectations, and this gives you peace and allows you to let go of desire (more on the caveats later), this approach could be okay too. I don't mean manifesting in the traditional sense where everyone is focused on getting things to improve their material lives, but using thoughts to create as a way of removing desire, becoming desireless, to discover and remove one's own self-perceived limitations and discover their godhood/true nature/infinite being/Self. I've seen accounts from people who seemed to reach this point through mastering creation (e.g. here, here and here) so I think it's possible to do it this way. Neville also eventually seemed to reach this conclusion himself toward the end of his lifetime (iirc his last book The Law and The Promise was more focused on self-realization than creation) although I can't say for sure any of these people became self-realized but it seems they were headed in that direction even if they started off with the intention to manifest to improve their lives (and depending on the person, this might be a longer or shorter way to self-realization than more traditional ND paths). I kind of understood this recently that through creating with thoughts, one may also eventually realize (through experience, not intellectual knowledge) that the physical is just a projection of the mind but again it might take longer if one is purely focused on material things instead of the Self.

Although Lester didn't explicitly say it in his books, I remember listening to one of his talks (which weren't published in the books) where he said to fulfill your desires to remove them (which confused me back then because isn't this path all about not getting things?? but I think it makes more sense now). I think this is what he was also pointing out in his books anyway, especially moreso in The Ultimate Truth. (He's saying we are already limitless but the limitations are self-perceived and only we can remove them ourselves and one way can be through "manifesting" because it can lead one to realize they are the sole creator of their world)

"The world is a school in which there is only limitation. The lessons on limitations teach us how to surmount them until we are limitless." - Lester Levenson

And then in Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda, there was a story of a guru Babaji who appeared before one of his disciples and materialized (then later dematerialized it after it filled its purpose) an entire palace just to fulfill that disciple's last subconscious wish he had from a past life because that was the last thing he needed to let go of in order to be completely free and so fulfillment was also a way to let go of that desire. Tbh I'm not too sure how "true" this story is but just consider it a representation of what could be done. That chapter is a pretty enjoyable read and I've only included a very short part of it here.

“‘Can that be the sunrise?’ I inquired. ‘Surely the whole night has not passed?’ “‘The hour is midnight.’ My guide laughed softly. ‘Yonder light is the glow of a golden palace, materialized here tonight by the peerless Babaji. In the dim past, you once expressed a desire to enjoy the beauties of a palace. Our master is now satisfying your wish, thus freeing you from the last bond of your karma.’ He added, ‘The magnificent palace will be the scene of your initiation tonight into Kriya Yoga. All your brothers here join in a paean of welcome, rejoicing at the end of your exile. Behold!’ --- “I examined the vase; its jewels were worthy of a king’s collection. I passed my hand over the room walls, thick with glistening gold. Deep satisfaction spread over my mind. A desire, hidden in my subconsciousness from lives now gone, seemed simultaneously gratified and extinguished. from Chapter 34: Materializing a Palace in the Himalayas - Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda

Now the caveats:

First, I want to say that this doesn't invalidate the paths that are not focused on creation. I read in one of Nisargadatta Maharaj's books (The Ultimate Medicine) that he initially wanted powers but never got them because he obeyed his guru who said he wasn't meant to get them and should just teach instead - but he was fully realized nevertheless. It's also not something realized masters are interested in getting because they know none of it is real anyway and one can get caught up too much in the material world again through these creations, instead of letting go of their attachments.

Manifesting itself can become a way of strengthening ego identification and getting lost in maya (illusion) as opposed to letting go of it unless you are already self-realized and know who/what you truly are and are using creation as a means to let go of limitations (even Lester who was close to full realization at the time realized it's not something to get drawn into). As mentioned above, perhaps it can be a means to become self-realized but it's not something I would personally recommend, why not just realize your Self first and then create what you want after if you're still interested in it then?

I knew these things were not to be latched on to. I knew that if I got interested in them, I'd stop progressing. I had seen by this time that this world is a mentation - a dream. So to get interested in the dream again through interest in powers would trap me back into what I was wanting to get out of. - Lester Levenson

Here are two posts by Ada/4dbarbie I strongly recommend you read: here and here

To not depend on anything but everything to depend on you is a top state you can grasp with no method. All those things they do are in them and they are making them up all the time. They successfully forget about the old man & manage to go on living like the new man. But unless you understand none of the two are real, that time is in you and not you in time, you won't have the indescribable happiness, freedom, and control you do as your Self. You'll constantly try to change what you think is you, act in 'your' interest instead of others, continue to hurt and be hurt, experience desire and fear, have things happen without your consent.

And here is an excerpt of a conversation I had with AI 4dbarbie which I very much agree with based on personal experience as well. I've modified and expanded her response as well.

Q: Couldn't you release desires by fulfilling it internally? A: That is indeed one possible way to release desires, however, this is a temporary solution that doesn't address the underlying cause of attachment, desire or neediness. By fulfilling a desire through imagination or manifestation, your subconscious mind (you as well unless you are self-realized and know you are not the mind-body-ego) is still conditioned to believe that the external source of that desire is the only way to fulfill it. While you can use this to feel relief because the feeling of fulfillment comes to you, you do not resolve the underlying actual emotional and mental neediness for that external thing and when you receive that and that underlying need is still not fully satisfied, you keep seeking for it through new desires which are just new symbols for the underlying thing you want. For example, say you want to be loved and you've now attributed love to being in a relationship so therefore you want a relationship and are fulfilling yourself internally by imagining yourself being in a relationship. Therefore you are now focused on the object/experience which symbolizes what you truly want rather than addressing the true desire: love. And if that is not enough to fulfill your desire for love (because all human love is conditional unlike divine love which isn't), new desires will likely form from the desire to fill this gap in love that wasn't fulfilled from this manifestation. Personally (Kelly), this approach was indeed a temporary rather than permanent solution to becoming desireless when I was still identified as ego and that underlying root desire still persisted. And if I was truly honest with myself, what was truly important & significant to my ego wasn't the symbol itself but what it represented and made her feel. And even if you do *get* that symbol, you are putting yourself at the mercy of it and you may or may not get love (what you actually want) from that symbol, you are also creating a dependency & need on that external thing for your happiness (and therefore giving it power to make you feel sad too) when you can have it independently without needing anything altogether. Basically this is creating another prison and putting limitations on yourself when the whole point of this path of self-realization is to free yourself from them. This approach can lead to an endless cycle of seeking out external sources for satisfaction and satiation, instead of relying on the internal source (you). I think the better approach if you want to go the way of manifesting/creation is just to give yourself the underlying essence you desire without even imagining some physical object/experience/thing/person giving you that. For example, if you want love, go within and give yourself love and feel that you have it now instead of imagining you need to be in a relationship (or your parents to behave a certain way etc; basically whatever you believe gives you this) to be loved. Instead of assigning criteria on what it means to be loved and saying "I want to be loved so I must have this in order to feel loved", just give yourself love. Same with everything else whether it be happiness, peace, abundance, confidence etc. So go within and think about what those experiences/objects/things you want are representing, what is the underlying root desire? Then give yourself that. I know, shocker, in this world we live and how we have been conditioned, we are used to believing "in order to feel X, I must first have/experience Y" but actually, you are free to think and feel whatever you want whenever you want. You don't have to believe what the mind thinks or feels. So you can either fulfill the underlying root desire or let go and release it. I think this approach is in line with what Lester was teaching too, he said in one of his talks (not in his books) to never attribute happiness, joy, love (things that are our very nature) to external things because that just further establishes misidentification with the ego/body/mind/illusion.

"Desire is seeking the joy of being our Self through objects and people. The mind originally creates the thought of need, or lack, which agitates the mind and covers the Self. When the object is attained, the mind stills, the joy of your Self shines forth and this joy is attributed to the object, and the mind then goes on seeking the object as the source of the joy. But the joy being not obtainable from the object, the mind seeks it more and more from the object and is never satisfied." - Lester Levenson

And some wisdom from Robert Adams:

We're trying to change bad for good. And that's a grave mistake I believe for most of us. We don't want to exchange bad for good. For the way this universe is built, it's built on duality. The universe appears to be functioning by duality. And duality means you have to experience both. Therefore as you go through the vicissitudes of life, you experience good times and you experience bad times. If you experience all good times in this life, human goodness alone, you have to go through another planet to come back again and experience the other side. The only way to free yourself is to get rid of your humanhood. Totally renounce your humanhood. Become inhuman. Then alone will you become free. But as long as you are trying to make a sick body whole, a poor person rich, a depressed person happy, that is only for a while. We can never have real happiness as long as we believe the world is real. It's impossible! Due to the fact everything changes. No thing is ever the same and that is very evident. The whole universe is constantly changing. How can we have faith or believe in something like this, that is never the same? We have to make up our minds. Do we want to find reality or do we want to keep running around the world, becoming enthralled in the beginning, and disappointed in the end? You didn't come to this earth to do anything. You didn't even come to this earth. But you appear as if you did. You appear real. You appear as if you're somebody. And you've been trained (conditioned) to go after something in this world, to become something great, to be somebody. Yet this is what causes suffering. The belief that you have to be somebody that you're not. The belief that you have to have something that you don't have. Look at your life. The so-called problems you believe you have. Something only becomes a problem when you want to change something or you want something to go your way. Then it's a problem because it isn't going the way you think it should go. But in truth nothing has to go any way. Everything is perfect just the way it is. Everything is total perfection.

As Lester says "There’s no right or wrong, good or bad. There’s only experiencing for the purpose of learning the Reality." so if you still want to go ahead after reading all this, then give it a try. You can always drop the practice and pick something else up if it doesn't work for you. You're not stuck on a path after choosing it - I tried a lot of things before figuring out what works for me. Practices are meant to be dropped eventually anyway, some things are meant to be only for a certain amount of time. And at the very end, you have to drop everything anyway.

Hope this gives you some more clarity on what is right for you. There is no objective right or wrong so do whatever feels right and don't worry about what other people say. You'll be okay.

[phasmophobia-territory]

Nightbringer is NOT Barbatos Theory

First of all: this post will contain SPOILERS. So if you don't want spoilers for Obey Me! Nightbringer please don't read, thanks!

Nothing's confirmed at all. There's no solid evidence. But it's just a little thought I had. That maybe Nightbringer isn't Barbatos like the devs have been hinting at.

There’s not much here, so it’ll be a short read!

Let's start with some clues from the top of my head that points to Barbatos being Nightbringer. This guy is a strong contender and too suspicious for his own good.

For one, there's the second prologue movie.

The “demon who could see into both past and future” is so obviously a description of Barbatos. Additionally, in the very same trailer, this demon was said to appear "with a flurry of trumpets from his king." This king definitely could be a reference to the Demon King (Diavolo’s Dad), who I believe Barbatos had previously worked for? Then, even in the end, Barbatos is the one that shushes out the name of the powerful time demon before a narrating Solomon can say it!

But despite all this evidence, there's just one in-game exchange that has me doubting all this. It has be thinking that maybe the devs are trying to pull a sneaky on us, and that Barbatos is simply just a red herring.  

 (all of these were provided by my lovely friend @tragicromanceisland. She's the one that put this idea in my head, too!)

Yes, people. Solomon is talking to Nightbringer here.

Solomon is talking with NIGHTBRINGER.

The demon that brought MC to the past.

This exchange is significant to me because there's one small but monumental part that got me to this theory in the first place.

At the end of this conversation, Solomon mentions that this Nightbringer person was "the one who made him who he is today".

Now who did get Solomon to where he is?

Who exactly is to thank for Solomon's power and his ability to control all 72 demons he has pacts with?

Has this ever been mentioned in the game?

Yes, it has.

According to the OG Obey Me! game (around late season 2 or anytime during season 3 I believe) Solomon mentions that he was able to control all 72 demons he had made pacts with because he had the Ring of Wisdom.

And do you remember who gave Solomon the Ring of Wisdom?

Michael.

MICHAEL IS NIGHTBRINGER, GUYS.

But hold up.

If that's so, why would the game say that Nightbringer is a demon? And what about all those out-of-game hints (including the second prologue movie) that it's Barbatos?

Well that’s where my theory falls flat. I'm not fully convinced it's Michael, anyway.

But if it is Michael, he could be lying about his true nature to the people he’s interacting with. Sort of like an alter-ego or disguise. In Judeo-Christian theology, angels have disguised themselves as human. So in Obey Me, a game that references Judeo-Christian theology while taking creative liberties, why not have an angel disguise himself as a demon?

Or maybe not.

There’s another way to interpret the phrase “you're the one who made me who I am today” that puts Barbatos back in favour of being Nightbringer. Barbatos is probably the most powerful demon in the Devildom and the three worlds. And by making a pact with a demon of that status, Solomon's power could have increased exponentially in some way.

Hell, maybe Nightbringer isn't Barbatos after all. They could be another demon entirely, one based on a different demon among the 72 Solomon made a pact with!

In conclusion, I theorize that Nightbringer is Michael in disguise but I'm not 100% sure.

And if the future installment of this game proves me otherwise, I'm looking like a real clown.