#anyway. i am VERY anxious about this. everything i try to do has 100 extra steps

[city-tickles]

Two Tickle Sessions In One Day!

Hi!

It's been a while but I hope you are doing well. I am still on break from posting clips or requests but I wanted to let you know about my recent sessions.

A month ago I was in one of those bad tickle moods. One of those moods where it was all you could think about and the rush of getting tickled or tickling someone was intense. I don't get these moods often and usually when I do, I don't like it because the last couple of times that has happened, I've received bad news about someone I care about, so it also makes me a little anxious when I get that way. Thankfully, it did not happen this time.

I needed to get the mood out but there was no one in the area to session with. Since no one was available, I decided to check out two parties that I have not been to in years. One M/M party and one Female Foot Party.

When it comes to M/M, I am 100% lee and it is something that does not give me much if any arousal. It's just tickling, and I can appreciate it. I'm sure I'd appreciate it more if it could "get me there" but I've seen enough clips and done sessions, and it usually doesn't. I also rarely do M/M because I have to be in a mood for it. This time, I was in a big mood for it, so I decided to go.

I've spoken about the M/M party in the past. Last time I went about 8 years ago, I just wasn't comfortable or ready to be there and it seemed like the owner took umbrage with that when I tried to leave. I figured a lot of time has passed and I have gained more experience, so hopefully things would be fine. I explain why I wanted to go to the party, and I was allowed to go.

I entered the party, and as a cis-identifying male, it's a little overwhelming at first. Action (Everyone is clothed) is everywhere right in front of you, but everyone is also very nice and doing their thing. I like to give people space, but there was no space to go, so I was just watching everything go down lol.

While waiting, I was introduced to a guy, who had grey hair and , who was also into tickling and we began talking. At first, the convo was small talk, but then we realized we knew each other from a previous meeting, which made things easier. After some talking, he asked what I was here for and when it comes to males, I am strictly a lee, so I told him I wanted to be tickled. Luckily, a massage table opened up and was cleaned off and ready to be used. We asked the table owner, who was a tall, slender man with grey hair and facial hair, if we could use it. Lucky or not lucky for me, we were allowed but the table owner was also into tickling. They asked me if he could join in and I figured why not?

I laid on the table and decided not to be bound because sometimes I stay still anyway. And before I know it, I have two lers all over me, testing out my spots and trying to find where I am most ticklish. They would glide their fingers all over my sides, under my arms, my tummy, my thighs and of course, my feet while I laughed and didn't move around too much. It was extra sensitive because 1. With the massage chair, I'm mostly looking upwards and can only see the ceiling. And 2. I'm getting teasing from all angles! The two very skilled lers keep saying things like, "Oh, he's real ticklish!" "I think he likes it!" While others at the party are watching and saying things like, "I think he doesn't want it to stop" and "He's having a lot of fun now"

With two lers on me, I never had time to have one spot make me off the wall ticklish because it was always changing. Sometimes it was their fingers lightly tickling my stomach that was the most intense. Other times, it was harder touches on my feet by one of the lers. Sometimes it was an attack under my arms. There were a lot of different moments during the 20-30 minutes of tickling that just kept making me laugh hysterically. I do know at one point, a hairbrush was used because I felt it and that always felt more surprising than ticklish. The other interesting part about having two lers on your feet were both styles were different. One was lighter and the other was harder, but both were effective!

(I couldn't find a MM/M gif)

After my time was done, I thanked them for the session and decided to wrap up since the party was coming to an end anyway. It was time to go to the next party.

This party, which I also had low hopes for, runs all the time in NYC and it is pay-to-play. I was that down bad, that I was willing to do it this evening lol. I went in with very low expectations and the reminder that if the first few moments are bad, I can just leave.

When I got there, it took forever for them to let me in, which already set my expectations to low. Despite this, I walked in and heard laughter already. Someone was getting tickled under the sheets, so I knew I wasn't the only tickler in the area. The girls that I saw in there were nice and chill to talk to for the most part. Some were more personable, while others just wanted to make their money, which I am not upset about. They're not there to be my friend.

The first lee was a tiny girl with red hair, and was ticklish but not that reactionary. I don't think she was ticklish on her feet at all, but I would always ask if it's okay to tickle elsewhere. Thankfully it was, and her upperbody, especially her arms, were her weakspot. She did not seem into it in the slightest, so I tried not to overdo it.

The second lee was this tall, black girl, with long hair and very nice to talk to. She wasn't sure how ticklish she could be, so I would tested some of her spots. Her feet were tolerable, her knees were very sensitive, and under her arms, she was almost unable to do!

I brought some tools that I didn't bring out at the M/M party (my bag at that party was all the way on the other side I just didn't want to bother with it) I ran an ostrich feather up and down her soles and her legs, which felt more relaxing to her. Then, I brought out TicklingDuck's device vibrating device.

As the device touched her soles, she would laugh hard, squirm around, cover her mouth, and was genuinely shocked at something being so ticklish on her. I asked if I could use the device on her knees and she went "Oh no!" and let me do it anyway, which I didn't do for long because she couldn't handle it.

The third lee was another redhead, who was also a nice person to talk to and wearing boots and long socks. I tickled her through the socks first, which made her giggle a bit, before taking them off and scribbling on her toes and soles so more. Her feet were also moderately ticklish, so I asked if I could tickle other parts of her body. Her weakspot was the ribcage and made any other spot look like a 1 compared to them! I spent most of my time on her feet since the ribcage was so intense, but we did play a few games. I would tell her if she could let me tickle there for 10 seconds, she would get a reward, which would be a foot massage or other foot worship. She agreed and barely opened up her arms until I scribbled in there and teased her further, saying "You gotta let me get in there or I'm gonna increase the time" She opened up her ribs and it was the longest 10 seconds of her life. Afterwards, I would congratulate her for making it through and doing such a good job.

After we were finished, I was ready to go since I had an obligation to get to later in the evening, but another taller woman approached me and asked me if I like tickling. She mentioned that she liked tickling to and wanted to know if I wanted to session. I was skeptical at first, because it felt like a money-grab, but I figured I'm already here so why not?

Best decision I made at that party. I started by spider tickling all the way up from her feet to legs, to her sides, across her tummy, back to her ribs, and of course under her arms. This woman was genuinely ticklish everywhere and was a lot of fun to play with. I would caress her thighs and tease like I'm about to tickle there, only to sneak attack and tickle her tummy. I brought out the TicklingDuck device again and we played another counting game to see how long she could last without moving, and I made sure to count the longest 30 seconds I could, running my fingers all across her tummy and under hear arms while she laughed her head off underneath the covers. The last thing I did to her, was bring out the pair of stocks that just arrived. I was itching to try them on someone and she was so excited to see stocks. We locked her bare feet and the stocks and I ran my fingers all across her soles and under her toes, while she was unable to get away or pull them out. While these sessions lasted 10 minutes, this one was definitely longer and we both knew it. After she was done, she complimented my ler skills, saying most male lers are rough, but I was very gentle with her, but also devastating, which I took as a big compliment.

Before I left, I had one request for her. I had a hard time locking the stocks on myself at my home, but when I did, they were not very comfortable. I asked if she could test the stocks out on me to see how good they were. She obliged and got my feet in the stocks. Once I was locked in, she began running her nails across my soles, which was one of the more intense tickles I got all night! I laughed hard and and was unable to do anything else, my feet were trapped and that definitely made the tickling worse! She would tease me and say things like "Aww! Is someone ticklish?" And "Now who's ticklish" until I had to stop her because I really had to get going. I thanked her for the fun time and planned to come back in the future.

Overall, it was a great day of tickles and satisfied my ler and lee moods!

[choking-on-roses]

It doesn't matter how long I live with ADHD or how many coping mechanisms I have...I *am* going to lose very important things and I *am* going to feel like a dumb little baby whenever that happens and get so frustrated I could cry. Why does my own brain hate me so bad? Do you understand how fucking terrifying it is to just FORGET important things in your life? It's scary and belittling and takes away your own sense of agency and competency every single time...

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Tues 30 March ‘21

Happy Tuesday! And to make it a happier tuesday, here’s Louis bursting on the scene to spread some cheer: “every day is a day closer to the first show back!” And that’s just the beginning! Someone asks if he has thought about making a documentary-- “already on it love” he replied. Listen yes, we knew that was what he and Charlie Lightening were up to BUT STILL- OMG!!! SOOO cool. Some people are not so sure but me, I think it’ll be awesome- cannot wait! Trust in Louis yall. And just to prove he’s a man you can trust he reacts in the ONLY correct way to react a dog modeling Walls merch-- “haha love that.” It’s wearing a bucket hat!! The Clifford picture we deserve tbh but for now this is excellent. He also said “got a decent chorus idea down” about what he’s been up to and doubled down on his most hotly debated tweet of recent times, 369. “Explain pls” begged a fan; “369” said Louis again, faaaanks for that love. That’s our guy, always forthcoming about his tattoos! Hahaha. AND THEN he responds to a tweet about how we always read too much into things but that he also trolls us with mystery posts: “fair comment”. WOW. He is truly a little shit and that is that on that! The man we love to hate ladies and theydies! And more on the louie topic of the moment people actually kind of hate, the NFTs. He’s asked about his recent follows and says, “some cool nft companies. I've been trying to educate myself in everything that already exists in that space.”

This year is gucci’s 100th anniversary I guess, and they are marking it by making a push to sell handbags, which means new pictures of Harry with a purses! Or so one can assume, the preview image we’ve seen so far is just his scruffy face, a lot of fluffy fur (on his Macklemore looking coat I mean but there is a lot of Harry hair on display too), and his dick necklace peeping out of the lapel of his shirt, looking extra obscene tbh cause the banana part is covered up so it’s just little unsolicited dick pic hiding in Harry’s chest hair, good lord. Yes yes we know babe you love gucci and dick and your gucci dick banana… anyway, the campaign drops April 22. It’s shot by Harmony Korine, who is a filmmaker, and a set director posted about working on a gucci commercial featuring Harry and Dakota Johnson back in Jan in LA so it seems safe to say there will be moving images to come. And speaking of Harry and filming, Heidi Gardner talked about doing SNL with Harry and told a story about him being reluctant to touch her shoulders for their sketch until she brought it up, and then him saying he was waiting for an explicit invitation to touch her. Aw, that’s our Harry; thoughtful and anxious. I feel like he works so hard to model the behavior he wants people to use towards him like, ‘people please I am begging can you please just be NICE and be respectful and stop grabbing me’, or maybe it’s just that he really understands firsthand how awful it feels to have your boundaries violated- either way I would love to manifest the same respect for him.

Ingrid Michaelson did a patreon live and talked about To Begin Again and how great having Zayn on the track has been; “Zayn's fans are intense. Very sweet. Aggressively supportive I think is the right word.” AHAHAHAHA YES ‘aggressively supportive’ might be the most perfect term anyone has ever coined for any subset of 1D fans so once again, HATS OFF to Ingrid the poet for a winning turn of phrase that I will certainly be using for a long time to come! She also said that the music video will be out in early April (and that it’s “a proper music video. It's not like your standard two people in a studio singing blah blah. It's different.”) Oh yeah and also that… Zayn and Gigi are married??! She said, “We’ve never met, I’ve never spoken to him. Zayn doesn’t do stuff he doesn’t wanna do and the fact that he did this song is very flattering. He’s such a private person and now he’s married and has a child so he does the things he wants to do…” prompting mass chaos in the zquad, but she later confirmed that she had just misspoken/ made an assumption based on their cohabiting and having a child together. And speaking of twitter leaping at the chance to go bananas over nothing, thousands flipped out because Lottie posted her gift bag from the Brits like “this means Louis is nominated for a Brit”!!! Lol WHAT? She got it cause she’s an influencer, but more to the point how does the SISTER of the nominee getting a gift bag make sense in any universe, you think they’re just looking up peoples’ family trees and everyone’s aunt gets a present like… WHAT??? Oh and also that they’re spilling the beans via gift bags before the big reveal… everything about that is ridiculous. Again, I’m sorry to say that I will be very surprised if Louis gets a nom but either way, we’ll find out tomorrow and not before.

And! You can bid now on a giant orange football jersey signed by Liam (or just look at the cute pic of him holding it)! It’s a benefit for the Wolves Foundation (a network of foodbanks in Liam’s hometown Wolverhampton, it’s unrelated to the criminally underrated 1D song alas). I hear it calling for you…

And finally, tune in tomorrow for Harry as Starfox rumors pt 369, this time For Real (only hmm nope probably not)

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

I Got You (Part 2)

Summary: The reader has a quieter morning with Jensen while trying to convince him that he needs to talk to his family sooner rather than later if he wants to start feeling better...

Part 1

Pairing: Jensen x reader

Word Count: 5,900ish

Warnings: language, angst, lying, mention of alcoholism, fluff

A/N: Might do more of this, who knows. Enjoy!

_______

Jensen was asleep when you woke, hair messy, covers tucked up under his chin. He’d probably be hungover. He normally was if he’d drunk too much, even if he threw up. Very gently you ran your hand through his hair, surprised when he rolled over to face you and snuggled into your side. He still seemed so small, so unlike the guy that was normally one to shove his crap down inside. He let stuff out in acting he’d told you once. He let it out when he did boxing or lifted weights. He let it out alone. It seemed to work for him so you never thought much of it.

Occasionally you found him upset though. When he was eighteen and almost quit acting. You flew out on a Thursday night after class and stayed with him that weekend, helping him to stop freaking the fuck out. God he freaked out more than most everyone knew. Laid back, easy going, go with the flow, that was the image everyone had of him. The anxiety used to be bad but you knew he acted through it, pretended he was cool with it all and it worked pretty well for him. You could still tell though when he got quiet and let other people speak that it was still there. It was hardwired into him. But it was better than it used to be.

But for the first time in his life you were fairly certain he was anxious to see his family and that was enough to send you into new territory with him.

“Don’t,” he mumbled when you stopped moving your hand through his strands. You started moving again, his face burrowed down under your arm.

“You’re okay,” you whispered, hoping he’d have fallen back asleep. Instead he peeled open his eyes and turned his head up, staring at you with big green eyes. “I love you.”

He smiled and moved his head up to your shoulder, reaching his arm across your waist and holding you tight.

“I love you too,” he said. You leaned your head down and kissed his temple, Jensen squirming a little. “I give you the forehead kisses.”

“You’re just gonna have to get used to me kissing you all sorts of places,” you smirked.

“I am very okay with that,” he said, a softer look about him. “It’s been a bit since I’ve been with someone.”

“I know,” you said as you played with his hair.

“You okay? With the whole Andrew situation?” he asked quietly. You nodded and he stared at you, trying to hide the fact he was happy Andrew was gone but still concerned you were hurt.

“I was on the way out the door with him anyways. He couldn’t respect you and if he can’t do that, he has no place in my life. It’d be like me asking you to give up Jared. It’s just insane.”

“To be fair Jared and Gen are some of your best friends too,” chuckled Jensen.

“But you get my point. Relationships are give and take and he always took. Andrew was tolerable until he wasn’t. I don’t want to spend my life tolerating my husband most of the time and hating him the rest. I’d rather love him and occasionally tolerate, you know,” you said.

“Not for any particular reason but do I have any habits that...annoy you?” he asked. 

“Yes. But I know I can annoy you too. Don’t worry about you. You’re different,” you said. He stared at you and you ran your thumb over his cheek. “Jensen think of it this way. I don’t expect to always like my husband 100% of the time. He’ll piss me off and annoy me and all of that. But I do expect to always love him. Andrew...that never happened with him. But there is someone in my life that even when he frustrates me or bugs me I’ve never not loved. He’s different. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” he said. He leaned up and kissed you, cupping your cheek with a gentle little smile on his face. 

“We waited twenty five years. We can take this slow, okay?” you said. He nodded and lay back in bed, tracing his finger over the curves of your face.

“Always wondered what it’d be like to do this...wake up next to you in the morning,” he said. He booped your nose and smiled. “You’re so soft.”

“I moisturize,” you said, Jensen chuckling. “How was it that I learned how to have a proper skincare regime from you? Shouldn’t this have been the other way around?”

“I wear more makeup than you do,” he teased. “Do you remember that time you slept over senior year unexpected?”

“Very well,” you said as you smiled.

“Hi, Mr. Ackles,” you said, forcing a half-smile as he opened the front door. 

“Hey, kiddo. Jensen’s not home. He’s sleeping over Jack’s house. I’m sure the boys are still there,” he said. You nodded and shrugged, getting a nod as he noticed the bag on your shoulders. “How’s your dad?”

“My parents had a big fight tonight. Dad...he said he was going out to get drunk. Mom doesn’t want me home if he relapses,” you said. 

“Come on,” he said as he pulled you inside. “You eat dinner yet?”

“I’m okay,” you said and he rolled his eyes. “I’m hungry.”

“Put your bag in Jensen’s room. You can have his bed tonight. I don’t imagine you want to go hang out with the boys too much right now,” he said.

“Jack doesn’t like me,” you said. He raised an eyebrow and you shrugged. “It’s a guys night or something. I’m okay hanging out here...if that’s okay.”

“You come here and knock on the door you’ll always have a place to stay, Jensen or no Jensen,” he said. 

“I wish my dad was like you. Didn’t drink at all.”

“I never cared much for it. But as far as you know he hasn’t drunk yet and he’s still seven years clean. That’s not easy.”

“I know. I’ll be back in a minute,” you said. You jogged upstairs and set your bag down in Jensen’s room, passing by his sister’s room on the way out.

“Jensen’s not home,” she said, hopping up and rounding the corner into the hall.

“Yeah,” you said. “I’m gonna stay here tonight anyways, Kenzie.”

“Kenzie! Beth is here!” called Jensen’s mom from downstairs.

“Bye, Y/N,” she said, giving you a quick hug before she ran down with her backpack.

“Later, dork,” you said with a smile. You went down and heard a car pulling out of the driveway, Jensen’s parents both working the kitchen. “Can I help?”

“You can set the table, sweetie,” said his mom. You went to the cupboard with plates and got out three, setting everything down after a minute. You poured yourself a glass of water, smiling when you saw they’d made creamy chicken casserole. Jensen’s dad carried over the dish and set it on the table, scooping some out for each of you. His mom set down a bowl of sweet mashed potatoes and you hummed. “I made extra. I know how much you like them.”

“Thanks, Mrs...my mom called you guys before she dropped me off, didn’t she,” you said with a sigh.

“Yes, she did, and we made your favorite dinner. Sue us,” said his dad. 

“Thanks,” you said quietly. You started to eat, even munching on the broccoli in the casserole. 

“So why doesn’t Jack like you?” asked his dad. You gave him a look and he cocked his head. “Y/N…”

“Cause I’m not popular,” you said. You poked at your potatoes and played with them before sighing. “It’s fine, really. I don’t like him either so it works out.”

“He always seemed like a nice kid,” said his dad.

“I always thought he was a little shit,” said his mom. You smiled and she returned it. “What’s Jensen think of this? It’s not like he tells us anything.”

“He’s seventeen. What are you expecting?” said his dad. “But yeah, what’s he think?”

“It’s fine. We tolerate each other cause we both like being Jensen’s friend. I don’t know. He just doesn’t like me cause Jensen does stuff with me sometimes and doesn’t invite his other friends too. It’s up to Jensen who he wants to hang out with, not me.”

“Well we like you much better than Jack if it’s any consolation,” he said. 

“Thanks. Jensen can hang out with his guy friends without me though,” you said. You pushed your food around a bit before you ate again, his parents shifting the topic to you picking out a major for school the next year.

Half an hour later you were making some cinnamon rolls with his mom when the front door opened.

“Jensen?” she called, his dad sitting in a chair and watching TV.

“I forgot my wallet. We’re going to the movies,” he shouted back. “Mom, where’s my wallet?”

“In your backpack pocket. I told you to keep it in your back pocket,” she said.

“I had practice so I…” he said as he popped into the kitchen and saw you there. “What are you doing here?”

“Just…” you said, looking down.

“Is your dad drinking again?” he asked quietly.

“Maybe. They got in a fight. Mom wanted me out of the house in case it wasn’t a good night,” you said. He stared at you and you looked away, surprised when he was suddenly there grabbing your hand. “Jensen.”

“Come to the movies with us. I’ll pay for your ticket,” he said. 

“I’m making rolls with your mom,” you said.

“They’ll be there when we get back. Come on,” he said.

“Ackles!” shouted Jack from the foyer. Jensen stepped back into view of the hall, taking you with him. Jack saw you and shot you a dirty look. “Jensen you coming or what?”

“Actually, not,” he said. He narrowed his eyes and dropped your hand, going down the hall. He walked outside with Jack, the two of them saying something before about thirty seconds later Jensen was walking back in with his duffel. He dropped it by the stairs and walked back over to you. 

“I thought you were having a guy’s sleepover tonight,” you said.

“Yeah well...fuck him,” said Jensen. 

“Jensen,” said his mom with a frown.

“I’m only his friend because of baseball and if he is so worked up at the sight of you then screw him. I’ll hang out with the guys some other time. I’d rather have a sleepover with you.”

“Better be a no fucking kind of sleepover,” said his dad.

“Alan,” said his mom. 

“Guys, it’s Y/N,” said Jensen. His dad mumbled and Jensen grabbed your hand, pulling you upstairs. “Video games?”

“Okay with me.”

“Y/N,” said Jensen from his bed that night. You had your eyes squeezed shut from where you lay on the air mattress, something his parents had bought years and years ago for you when you were regularly staying over. “Y/N.”

“What Jensen?” you said quietly.

“Are you crying?” he whispered. You rolled your eyes and heard the bed creak behind you. You pulled the blanket over your head but he sat down in front of you, peeling it back. “Why are you crying?”

“I don’t know,” you said. You sat up and you pulled you into his lap, holding onto you and keeping your blanket around you while you hung onto him. “He’s been sober seven years, Jensen...and he might have fucked it all up.”

“Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. He’s still your dad, Y/N. He’s not a bad guy.”

“Mom said they’d get divorced if he drank again,” you said. “Why can’t my family be normal like yours?”

“You’re my family so you gotta be normal,” he said. You rested your chin on his shoulder and squeezed him.

“Like a sister?” you asked. It was horrible timing but you had to know how he actually felt. For your own piece of mind.

“I love you is all,” he said, squeezing you back. “Best friends forever right?”

“Yeah,” you said. You sniffled a bit more and he rubbed your back. “Wanna go eat the rest of the cinnamon rolls?”

“You’re on, Y/L/N.”

“You know I was so scared you could hear my heart pounding when you asked me if I loved you like a sister,” said Jensen as he sat up in bed. “I was full on in love with you by that point in every single way.”

“Did you get off to me in high school?” you smirked. He shrugged but grinned. “Oh my God. Naughty boy.”

“I swear never when you slept over though or anything like that. You were just...you never thought twice about taking off your shirt in front of me and standing there in your bra and underwear. You were the first girl I ever saw like that. First woman really.”

“My heart would beat so fast when I did that. I always waited for a comment but it never came.”

“I thought you thought of me like your brother. Up until last night I still thought that.”

“Jared’s like my brother. Your brother Josh is like my brother. You’ve never been like my brother,” you said, smiling as you kissed his cheek. “Come on. Let’s get ready for the day. Dallas is a three hour drive.”

“Y/N...I don’t want to go,” he said. You took his hand and laced your fingers together, Jensen shutting his eyes. He took a short breath and his chest rose and fell quickly. “Please don’t make me go.”

“You have to Jensen.”

“Why?”

“Because you love them and they love you.” He huffed and got out of bed, crossing his arms as he walked into the bathroom. You followed him and paused at the door, Jensen exiting a moment later. “They lied. They don’t share your blood. That’s true. But have you ever doubted for a single second that they don’t love you unconditionally?”

“It’s not the point,” he said. He left and you followed him to the kitchen, Jensen making himself a cup of coffee. “Y/N, drop it.”

“We’re going to your parents house. It could be this morning. It could be tomorrow. It could be a week from now but we are going and you will not get out of this.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong! Why the fuck do I have to go talk to them? They’re the ones that lied!” he shouted, turning to glare at you. “Why do I have to be the bigger fucking person? They’re supposed to take care of me. They’re supposed to protect me. They’re my parents. They’re not…” he trailed off, putting a hand over his face again. “I’m sorry for yelling.”

“It’s okay,” you said. You stepped over and pulled down his arm, wrapping yours around his body. He shut his eyes and turned his head away. “Jensen it’s okay if you’re upset and need to cry and shout. It’s okay to feel however you need to.”

“How do I know they loved me?” he asked quietly. “That they didn’t pretend at first...that they didn’t pretend the whole time and I’m just an idiot that fell for it.”

“I know they’ve always loved you Jensen and so do you but this is why we need to go talk to them. They can tell you themselves.”

“How do I believe them? They’re liars.”

“Jensen liars aren’t necessarily bad people. Everyone lies,” you said.

“Why are you defending them so hard?”

“Jensen...my dad was a drunk. A nice drunk. One that just smelled and fell asleep in front of the TV. He never hurt anyone. But he was still a drunk. Jensen your parents gave mine money to help with dad’s rehab costs. They fed me. They gave me a safe place away from the fighting. My sophomore year of college I got too drunk at a party and my parents were out of town on vacation. You know who picked me up? Your parents. I stayed in your room and sobered up. Jensen I am not their child and they have always treated me like I’m one of their own. If they feel that way about me, how do you think they actually feel about their own kid? I grew up my whole life knowing my parents aren’t perfect and I’m sorry you know what that’s like now too. But I don’t love my parents any less now than I did as a child. They screwed up. Your parents screwed up. It doesn’t mean that they are any less your parents today than they were yesterday.”

“...I didn’t know they helped with the rehab,” he said quietly.

“Our parents are friends after all. I wouldn’t be surprised if my dad is talking to yours right now telling him that it’s not the end of the world what happened.”

“You’re gonna make me go, aren’t you,” he said with a sigh.

“Yup. But I’m gonna go with you.” He dropped his forehead on your shoulder and took a deep breath. “Jay.”

“We’ll go up tonight,” he said. “Deal?”

“Deal,” you said.

“But...I have the condition that we move out your stuff of Andrew’s today,” he said. 

“That is pretty okay with me,” you said. “Let’s take your truck too. I’d rather only have to make one trip.”

“Fingers crossed he’s not here,” you said when you walked into the apartment. Andrew was laying on the couch though, rolling his eyes as you stepped out of the foyer with Jensen.

“Bring your other boyfriend by?” said Andrew, flipping a channel on the TV.

“I thought I made it very clear last night that we’re over,” you said.

“Y/N, we both got heated was all,” he said. “He looks fine to me.”

“Andrew-”

“You didn’t fuck him last night, did you?” he asked, narrowing his eyes.

“No I didn’t, not that it’s any of your business considering we’re done. I am here to get my stuff and that is it. Jensen, I have some shoes and coats in the front closet. Can you chuck those in a bag for me?” you asked. He nodded and went back into the foyer while you took a box into the bathroom. You tossed most everything in the cabinet in there, leaving the box in the bedroom while you got your clothes in some bags. You emptied your nightstand out and the closet, Jensen grabbing your stuff and carrying it out. You were nearly finished with some small things when Andrew wandered inside.

“Y/N. Come on. Don’t go. I got jealous of Jensen was all. It won’t happen again,” he said. “I promise.”

“Andrew,” you said as you stood up. “Last night was the last straw. I’ve been thinking about ending things for a long time. We both deserve to be with people that make us happy and I’m not that person for you and you’re not it for me and that’s okay.”

“Y/N we’ve been together for two years,” he said. “Engaged for one. You want to throw all of that away?”

“Andrew do you love me?”

“Of course I do.”

“No I mean do you really love me? Down in your soul love me?”

“Y/N I don’t do all that sappy shit, you know that.”

“I’m not talking about romantic crap. I mean...do you miss me even though you saw me two minutes ago. Do you get nervous when I’m five minutes late from work? Do you think about building a fort out of sheets in our bedroom and watching movies in it?” He stared at you and you shook your head. “Andrew you were a decent guy once but you’re not the guy for me. Learn to pick up after yourself too. Girls don’t want to your mom. They want to be your girlfriend.”

“You were the one with the Hollywood best friend,” he said. “How could I not be intimidated by that?”

“Because if you ever took a moment to know him, you would know that he wants me to be happy, no matter who the other person is. You’re just a selfish dick, Andrew. Grow up some before you find another girl.”

“Slut,” he said as he walked out.

“At least I know how to give an orgasm,” you said. You shoved some things back in a bag, Jensen turning into the room. 

“I take it things ended very maturely,” he said.

“As mature as it was gonna get. This is the last of it,” you said.

“Let’s get you home then, Y/N.”

Six Hours Later

“Jensen. You have to get out of the car,” you said, parked in the driveway at his parents house.

“No. No, I don’t.”

“Well you haven’t peed in three hours and you’re gonna break at some point. I will be inside,” you said. You turned off the car and climbed out, Jensen crossing his arms in the front seat. You shook your head and knocked on the front door before you opened it, slipping inside. Your shoes came off and you walked to the back of the house, Jensen’s parents and siblings sat in the family room quietly. They all turned in your direction, his dad nodding. “He’s in the car. He’ll come inside when he’s ready...or has to pee. One or the other.”

“Thank you for bringing him here,” said his dad. You shook your head and took a seat on the couch, his sister a little miffed but the other three looked a bit blank.

“Guys he’s thirty, almost thirty one. Why did you not tell him when he was little?” you asked.

“Because it didn’t matter,” said his dad. “I haven’t thought of him as my adopted son since he was a baby. He’s just my son.”

“Your son is afraid that you guys don’t love him.” His mom shut her eyes and turned towards the back window. “He wants to know that you’ve always loved him unconditionally, that he was adopted because you loved him, not pitied him.”

“He had a heart murmur,” said his mom quietly. “That bitch and that asshole husband of hers got pregnant on accident. She didn’t realize until she was nearly six months. She was very petite. Skipping a period was normal for her so she never thought a thing of it until she gained a bit of weight. She was down visiting when she found out.”

“She didn’t want the baby. He didn’t want the baby. She spoke...crudely about it. It was very clear they didn’t want a child. But they spoke so horribly and they found the murmur and she hoped something would happen and…” said his dad.

“We looked at one another, Alan and I did, didn’t discuss it all and told them we’d adopt the baby when it was born. By the time three months later got there, the hole had sealed up and Jensen was perfectly healthy. We loved him before he was even born. We were there for him before he was born, when he was born. Everything was true what we said, it just wasn’t me that had him,” she said. 

“Last year they tried to contact Jensen,” said his dad. You frowned and he nodded. “They said their son was a successful actor and they’d like to meet him. I told them to fuck right off. He was never their son. They didn’t love him. They didn’t give him a bottle. They didn’t clean up after him and hold him while he cried. They didn’t give a rat’s ass about him until they could brag about him. They hated him which is perfectly fine because we got him and he got a real family, one that never cared that he was a little bit different than the rest of us. We didn’t tell him because I haven’t thought about the fact my son is adopted in over twenty years. He’s just our kid to us. That’s it.”

“You could have just said that instead of just staring at me last night,” said Jensen quietly. You all turned in your seats, Jensen stepping out from the front hall. He stayed half hidden behind the wall and his mom was out of her seat quickly, Jensen stepping into the family room to meet her for a hug. “I’m sorry about last night. I shouldn’t have swore at you like that.”

“No, we’re sorry, sweetie,” she said. “We didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I know.” He took a seat beside you on the couch. He glanced at his dad and nodded. “Why’d they want to talk to me last year. They want money or something.”

“They make probably more than you do which is saying something. I think they wanted to be able to boast that their son was a big star,” said his dad. 

“If I asked, would you tell me how to get in contact?” 

“Yes, we would,” he said. 

“Why?”

“Because you have that right.”

“What did they say about me. Before I was born. What made you pity me?” said Jensen. Your head snapped in his direction and he ignored you. “What was it? Were they going to try and get rid of me? Give me up for adoption? What?”

“We’re not telling you that,” said his mom as she took a seat. Jensen scoffed and she did it right back. “You do not get to-”

“I get to know whatever the fuck I want to about this situation,” he said.

“You don’t get to know that,” said his dad.

“It’s my life! I have the right-”

“You have the right but it doesn’t mean we’ll be fair,” he said. Jensen stared at him and his dad shut his eyes. 

“What’d they say. What the fuck did they say to make you feel so terrible for me.”

“Jensen, just-” you said as he got up and walked in front of his dad.

“Tell me what the fuck she said!” shouted Jensen.

“Mom had a miscarriage,” said his brother quietly. He had his head in his hand, Jensen turning to face him. “When I was little. Before you. They said mom might not be able to have more kids. They were gonna adopt a baby whether it was you or somebody else. I think when your fucked up bio parents started talking about what pills she could start taking to help get rid of the baby early, mom and dad, who’d just found out they couldn’t have that...well I learned a lot of new swear words that day.”

“You had…” said Jensen as his mom looked down. “Is Kenzie-”

“She is biological. You saw me pregnant, sweetie,” she said. “But she was a very happy surprise.”

“We didn’t pity you. We were jealous,” said his dad. “We wanted you and then the more we got into the conversation we knew you had to be ours. We could love you and keep you safe and protect you. We’d never hurt you. We were scared of you being alone with those people. We didn’t know what they’d do. All we are guilty of is lying. Nothing more, Jensen.”

Jensen sat back on the couch beside you, biting his bottom lip before he caught his brother’s stare.

“Did...you...you know…” said Jensen. He smiled and nodded.

“You’re my little brother, dork. Always. I kinda forgot to be honest.”

“I think they should have told you. And me,” said his sister, Jensen smiling. “But nobody was trying to hurt you, Jensen. Everybody’s been calling and texting all day worried about you.”

“Sorry for ruining your birthday party,” said Jensen.

“You made it lively,” joked his brother. Jensen wiped off his face and squeezed his eyes shut. 

“I’m sorry. I’m just...I got scared,” said Jensen. “You didn’t love me.”

“You’re kinda a dumbass, you know?” said his brother. Jensen laughed and nodded. His mom got up to hug him. You sneaked out as the rest of them joined him but not before a hand caught your shirt collar.

“Where do you think you’re running off to?” said his dad. “This is a mandatory hug.”

You turned and joined them for a moment, Jensen relaxed when they broke apart. 

“Okay?” you asked him and he nodded.

“Yeah. Thanks for dragging my butt up here,” he said. He gave you a kiss and you smiled, his whole family staring. “Y/N and I got together last night. She broke it off with her fiance. She’s staying at the house with me now...can you all stop smiling?”

“About time,” said his brother and sister.

“Shut up,” he said.

“You’ve been crushing on her since you were twelve,” said his brother.

“Jensen’s had a hard enough day. Let’s cut him some slack this time,” said his dad. He did smile though and you shook your head. “Well...now that that’s dealt with who wants ice cream?”

Two Hours Later

“Hey,” you said, taking a seat on the old swingset in the backyard beside Jensen. He kicked lightly, dragging his sneaker along the grass. “You okay? You never came up to bed.”

“Just feel stupid now, for reacting that way. I mean I threw up on you last night.”

“Not the first time and not the last,” you said. You swung over to the left and bumped him. “Jensen it wasn’t stupid. You were scared.”

“I don’t get scared like that. You were as cool as a cucumber and I was freaking out.”

“I have sat up with you crying my eyes out since I was a little girl. It’s your turn to be the freaking out one,” you said. He bumped you back and found your hand, grabbing it in his. “Don’t feel stupid over being human.”

“I’m really glad I called you,” he said.

“Me too. I needed to leave Andrew too. I really needed that,” you said. “I didn’t realize how unhappy I’ve been.”

“Promise me something.”

“Anything.”

“If this doesn’t work between us, and I am fully expecting it to work, but if it doesn’t or if the long distance element gets too hard...still best friends forever?”

“Always,” you said. You squeezed his hand and he pulled on it, brining your swing over closer. “What?”

“People will hate you just because you’re with me. They already hate me for stupid shit. It used to bother me. Some days...it still does. I can’t protect you from it,” he said.

“Jensen anytime you post me in anything I get called a slut. Andrew called me your whore to my face. I don’t give a flying fuck. I have a lifetime of thick skin. I can handle some petty little bitches. Your real fans are good. Don’t worry about the haters.”

“Just wanted to give you one last chance to back out,” he said. “Before I inevitably make you fall in love with me and spend the rest of my life with you. No pressure though.”

“Oh well when you put it like that,” you said. “I really should think about this.”

“You really should.” You hummed and tugged on his arm hard, spinning him over towards you. You caught his shoulders and planted a deep kiss on him, Jensen blinking when you broke it off. 

“Satisfied with my answer?” you smiled.

“Very,” he said. “But you are very cold and we should go inside now.”

You followed him up to his old room, Jensen shutting the door after you. The bed was a full and you both could certainly fit if you really tried but it probably wouldn’t be all that comfortable. 

“I have an idea,” he said, booping your nose. “Wait right here.”

He left and was gone a few minutes, returning with a mess of blankets. He laid them out on the floor and grabbed the covers off the bed along with the pillows. 

“Looks perfect, Jensen,” you said. You gave him a side hug and saw a call from Andrew’s mom pop up on your phone. You wanted to ignore it but Jensen nodded and you sat on the bed, picking it up. “Hi, Karen.”

“What happened with you and Andrew? He just came home very upset and says you cheated on him with that Jensen guy.”

“Karen, that is not what happened,” you said, Jensen raising an eyebrow and listening in.

“Andrew says he’s willing to forgive you if you two go to couples counseling. Half the wedding is already paid for,” she said. 

“I did not cheat. We broke up yesterday. I broke us up because I don’t love your son. I moved out today. I also told you not to put money down on anything. That is your fault if you did.”

“Y/N, I’m really trying here. Please come talk to Andrew. He’s willing to-”

“Your son is an ass, Karen and we are through,” you said. “Don’t call again.”

You hung up and tossed your phone aside, Jensen frowning at you.

“That sounds like it didn’t go well.”

“He’s now claiming I cheated on him. Forget all of them. I just want to lay down with you,” you said. He smirked and picked you up quickly, giggling as he spun you around and plopped you down on the floor. “You’re cute.”

“Am I?” he teased. 

“Yes,” you said. You kissed his cheek and then his lips, Jensen laying down beside you. You knew he was still tired after the long day and broke it off, his hand quickly catching your cheek. 

“Don’t stop doing that,” he said. 

“Whatever you say, Jensen.”

________

[collectivefandomstuff]

Hey mom! I’m stressed at 1am, any advice? I’m having trouble in school via studying sometimes it feels like we’re going from 0 to 100. And I need better study habits, do you have any advice? Bc sometimes it feels like I’m so afraid of failure that if I do study to my full potential (sounds weird) I feel like I loose the excuse of saying oh I got a bad score bc I goofed off. Like if I actually do all my effort to study and do bad, then is there something wrong with me??

(A/N: this answer is so long I almost feel ashamed to post it. I’m very sorry everyone. Anyway, if you’re looking for the concrete tips they’re at the end :) )

Hey :)

This doesn’t sound weird at all because I’m the exact same way. This way of thinking is actually more common than you’d think, and is often a part of the cognitive profile of perfectionism (btw, perfectionism isn’t that apt a name but I digress. Also, this way of thinking doesn’t mean you’re a perfectionist.). Anyway, I know a bunch of people who’ve experienced this, and the common factor isn’t fear of failure, but rather what it is you think you’re failing at. For example, I once told my therapist that I was super stressed over a bunch of stuff and I also had a paper I had to get done, and he asked me what would happen if I didn’t turn it in on time and I was like “academically? nothing. mentally? I wouldn’t be me anymore.” And that’s the stitch.

The people I know who struggle with this are often (though not exclusively) girls, and often people who’re pretty smart. They spent their childhood being told over and over that they were gifted, intelligent, and good at school. And back then, that was easy to live up to. They danced through the first few years of school without any issue, and enjoyed it a lot. They did their homework, understood stuff, and were usually “good kids”.

Now, we’re always growing and re-shaping our sense of self, but the foundations are lain when we’re children. So, when people around you keep identifying you as a smart/good student, then we start identifying ourselves like that too. Especially if it is being reinforced by your actual achievements. And then, suddenly, getting good grades isn’t about doing well or working hard, it’s about identity. It’s about who you are at your core. Thus, the stakes become infinitely higher. If you fail at a math test that you really studied for, then that means that you don’t have what it takes, and that means you are no longer yourself- the intelligent kid who’s good at school. A test might not be that anxiety-inducing, but losing your whole sense of self is. So, in that case procastination makes a lot of sense, because as long as you don’t fail while doing your best then you never put your identity on the line.

(This also applies if failing at school has become synonymous with being a failure, i.e. if you’ve been taught that doing well academically is the only way to be a successful/useful person in society, or if academic success has merged with the idea of a happy future so it feels like failing autmatically leads to an unhappy life. Essentially, mental structures that lead to a misconception of the stakes involved in a single exam/paper/task.)

That said, I do have some more practical things to say here. First off, sometimes we’re in a situation where we can’t do our best and that’s okay. I’ve failed exams, tests, papers, you name it and I still have my degree in the end. It’s never the end all of things.

Now, my own biggest freak out like this came when I started uni. My first paper I went completely insane and procrastinated like crazy, and I failed. And then the though crept in “what if I can’t do this? What if this is it. I can’t handle higher education, even if I try my hardest?” The anxiety was... big bad and mad.

I should say for this next part that my therapist once told me that I have a strangely aggressive approach to handling anxiety. Moving on. I sat down and said to myself “what is worse, to try my hardest and fail or half-ass it and never be able to live the life I want?” Since the answer was pretty obvious, I got to it. I had about 5 weeks until the next exam, and I sat down and planned every single hour until then. I studied for that damn test like I’ve never studied before, and whenever I felt anxious I would tell it to FUCK OFF and focus on the task I had planned. I didn’t allow myself to think beyond that first planning session, I just did what was next on the agenda. What am I supposed to do right now? read these 10 pages? Ok.

I’ve had two exams during my studies where I failed (the second due to the situation I was in) and ended up in this spiral. And here’s the funny thing: I have a small number of courses in uni where I got a higher grade. They include 1) courses that I found extremly interesting and 2) those two courses.

Okay! I know this is already so fucking long but I want to give you some actual tips too. Number one is obviously to plan. Take a whole day, sit down and plan the next month. Consider all your assignments, when they’re due, what you need to do to study, how long that’ll take and when that is done most efficiently. Plan everything in your calendar. Give yourself enough time for each task that you can do it even if you’re not super super focused. Do not study outside these hours. When you’re done for the day you’re done for the day. This way, there’s a clear, reachable end to each study session and you don’t feel as compelled to postpone tasks. When you sit down to study, don’t worry about the other stuff you have to do, or other subjects that you haven’t done yet. They’re all in the plan, all you have to do is what is in front of you. As long as you keep doing that you’ll make it. (If the plan goes to shit for some reason, take a day to plan a make a new one. It happens).

Some things to consider:

Different subjects are best studied in different ways. I used to set aside 15-30 minutes every day in high school for Italian, where I’d sit down and read the chapter we were working on out loud. I didn’t even focus that hard, I just did it every day- the chapter and the glossary. I STILL remember some sentences from that book. Math is best done in longer stretches, but not too long. 1-2 hours preferably. Think about how YOU work. Do you best read a textbook in one go or in increments? Do you learn better in a coffee-shop or your room? Silence? Music? This can also change depending on your subject. Plan accordingly.

For reading, time your reading speed for the book. Read a page at normal speed and clock it, then multiply that by the pages you need to read to see how much time you’ll have to plan for. Round up to give yourself room for spacing out.

Plan for breaks. Think about your normal need for it, but the uni standard is 15 minutes for every 45, making an even hour. Find a break activity that’s has a specific end, for example making some more tea/coffee and snacks and doing some stretches, or maybe playing one race in mario kart. Avoid things that you can get stuck doing beyond the alotted break time.

Buffers. For every five hours or so, plan one hour of buffer time. This is time that you can use if something takes longer than expected. If you do everything as planned, this is surprise free time! :D If you have a long study session, plan 30 minute buffers every two or three hours to be used for extra breaks and to keep panic at bay. Buffers will save your life.

Make a chart with different tasks and have little boxes that you get to fill in with fun colours when you’re done. If you have to read 100 pages, do a bar with ten boxes, that way you can see your progress visually.

Plan for days/evenings that are free. Plan what you’re going to do those days, like “movie night with X”, “play videogames and eat cupcakes”, “take a long bath and read a good book”. That way, you use your free time well and can use those days and evenings as incentive.

Prioritize your work. If you have too much to do, make a list of what’s most to least important and focus on doing the important stuff first. This includes studying tasks. What’s more important, reading that text for the third time or really understanding integrals?

Drink lots of water and eat sugar. It’s brain food. I usually bake before an intense week. That way when I feel myself going down I can go get a cupcake instead of taking time to make something to eat, or worse- try to soldier through which never works.

I hope this helped a little at least :) Good Luck! I believe in you! 💙💜

[bi-rising]

hey I just saw your post about PCOS being a hormonal issue not a gyno one while I was surfing the tag. I was diagnosed a couple months back and all my gyno did was a 2 min ultrasound and then prescribed me birth control. I would like to have actual help and more info on it but I'm not sure who I'm supposed to go to for that. Seeing as you were in a similar situation I'd appreciate your help.

seems like gynos really suck with pcos, don't they? 🥴 warning you now, this is going to be a very long post, because i'm essentially writing out absolutely everything i did and everything i've learned, so strap in for a ride aldksfjasldf

the first thing to do is research, research, research. i spent a whole week constantly on pcos websites (such as pcosaa and this article, tho fair warning, the article does use academic speech so it might not be the easiest thing to read) and watching videos and doing what i could to inform myself. the way you can know if you're looking at a credible resource is how the source defines pcos: does it pose it as a reproductive system disorder? or an endocrine (hormonal) disorder? if it talks about it as a reproductive system disorder, then it's probably wrong.

please note that i am not, obviously, a medical professional, but this is how i understand pcos works. i'll use me as an example just so i can use first person perspective, but it applies to pcos patients in general.

so, my cells are insulin resistant. that means that when i eat, my body releases, lets say, 100 (x measurement) of insulin. because my cells are insulin resistant, they say "hey, i'm only gonna use 50x of that insulin". but they still NEED that 100x to function. so my body releases ANOTHER 100x of insulin, so my cells go "ok i'll take 50x" and so while my cells now have the 100x they're supposed, to i now have 100x insulin floating around.

that extra insulin not only wreaks havoc on many systems of the body, it is the reason why most people with pcos that goes untreated end up with type 2 diabetes. the extra insulin is also converted (or spurs the creation of? i'm not entirely certain on the how here) into testosterone and other androgen (male) hormones. so your body has too much insulin, and now it has too much testosterone, too. that extra testosterone is what fucks with your reproductive system and prevents the follicles on your ovaries from maturing (which is what the 'cysts' are). it also often creates increased facial hair, acne (especially on the 'beard line'), and worse body odor. between the testosterone and the insulin, it's nigh impossible to lose weight.

also note that because your body has to release more insulin for your cells to get an adequate amount, you likely crave carbs and sugars (salty/crunchy things and sweets), and you're likely frequently fatigued, bc your body isn't, well, working correctly and it's taking more energy to perform basic functions.

secondly, take all this information that you know to your doctor. i legitimately wrote down some notes about this process in a little notebook and took it with me so that i wouldn't forget/get too anxious to bring any of it up. i also wrote down the things i had been doing to help up to that point (working out, what my diet was, etc etc) and what i was concerned about. lastly, i also wrote down what medications and supplements i had heard of in my research to see what my doctor thought of them.

my doctor's first 'attack' choice is ozempic--it's a weekly shot that helps to regulate insulin levels and also is pretty good at helping weight loss. be aware though that most commercial insurances don't pay for this, but if your doctor is good, they'll try to work around that so that you're not paying a frankly outrageous amount for it. also look out for sometime this fall, my doc said that the ozempic manufacturers are trying to get ozempic approved for weight loss (it's approved for other things) and that should help bring the price down?? anyway, that's my doc's preferred method, but because of my finances, we currently can't do that.

his second attack, which i'm now on, is metformin. it's a medication mostly used for diabetics that helps with blood sugar levels which, again, is that insulin issue. my mom has been on it for 14 years bc diabetes runs in our family anyway, so it's perfectly safe for long time use and definitely helps with keeping either away from or within the pre-diabetes phase. again, i've only been on it now two days so i can't say anything for me but we'll see how it goes lmao

he also approved of me using omega 3 (fish pills) supplements because they help balance things out in general, not just pcos, and he was good with me using spearmint, too. i'm starting out on one cup of spearmint tea a day and see how that effects me, but i've heard of people having up to two spearmint supplement pills and a cup of spearmint tea a day, too. spearmint is a 'defense', as far as i can explain it: it has (tho limited) research that it lowers the testosterone levels in women with pcos. so while it doesn't help with the insulin so it doesn't attack the source, it can help with the testosterone aspect, aka facial hair, acne, etc. i've also heard of cinnamon supplements and inositol supplements helping, but i didn't get a chance to ask about either of those from my doctor, so make sure if you want to give those a try, you talk about them and make sure they won't interfere with any of your other medications and get your doctor's approval on them, first.

thirdly, ask about what else you can do to help yourself. my doctor stressed the importance of a proper night's sleep, as well as advised to try to cut back on carbs and sugars (IMPORTANT NOTE: some people claim that you HAVE to be on a keto diet to get results with pcos. WRONG. please don't do this. keto diets are entirely unsustainable. and cutting back on carbs and sugars does not mean cutting them OUT, it just means if you want a snack, try reaching for a protein or a vegetable instead of a carb. but don't limit yourself!! please, be conscious about what you eat, and remember that sometimes yeah, a slice of cake or a serving of chips isn't going to kill you or set your pcos back. don't risk getting an e.d. just for the sake of your pcos). he also told me that the best exercise that i personally should do is either HIIT exercises or cardio, and to do at least an hour a day, even if it's 30 mins in the morning, 30 in the evening--and to work up to that so even doing ten minutes a day, then increasing it from there, is healthier and better than jumping straight into a whole ass hour. he also told me to aim for a certain heartrate. i don't remember the formula he used, but for me at 22 (based on age) he wanted me to try to aim for 150-160 bpm. again, especially with exercise, that was what he recommended for me. you're likely different from me, so ask your doctor and see what he says.

fourthly, and perhaps most importantly, DON'T BOTHER WITH A GYNO. all of this that i've gotten done for me was from my family doctor, so just the guy i go to for yearly check ups. see if you can do some routine blood work to give him (or her) as wide of a picture as possible, and then go in and talk with a regular doctor about this. a friend of mine also has a friend who actually goes to an endocrinologist to get her pcos sorted out, so that's also an option. gynos seem to just treat the symptoms; birth control gives you a regular period by helping with your estrogen, but that doesn't decrease your testosterone OR do anything with the insulin. my doc is keeping me on birth control pills just so that i have a regular cycle so we can watch and see if anything else happens to it, so it's okay to stay on the birth control, but ultimately, birth control pills don't do anything for pcos.

i know it's difficult and probably kinda scary/anxiety inducing if you're younger or just have anxiety, but you've gotta advocate for yourself in this case. you have to show the doctor that you know what you're talking about and that you're able to call him out on his bullshit if he doesn't take you seriously. also, if your doctor is helpful, don't be afraid to be frank with him about what your gyno did. like i've said with my experience, i got the validation of knowing that my gyno was wrong by explaining to my doctor how he treated me. you deserve better than what your gyno did, and you deserve to actually be treated as a person and your disorder be taken seriously.

i'm wishing you the best of luck, and i hope that you'll be able to get the help that you need 💕💕💕

[purplesurveys]

907

Are you one of those lucky people to own a walk-in closet? lol lucky people. No I don’t have one of those. Is there a random object you own that has a huge personal significance? Well it’s more significant today because we had our virtual graduation this morning... so I’ll go with my graduation sash. Ever since I started university I’ve always wanted to wear my own sash in a physical ceremony so again, it sucks that our batch got affected by the pandemic. Do you use Google? For just about everything, yeah. Would you like to go swimming right now? That would be soooooo so nice. I’ve been going through old vacation photos and I really miss the beach. Can you play electric guitar? Nope.

Do you have an HDTV? My parents do. When was the last time you drank something through a straw? Around a month ago when my dad bought milk teas for me and my sister. Have you ever tried to teach yourself a different language? I didn’t teach myself per se, but I have tried my hand learning Spanish on Duolingo several times. It always comes in phases – I get passionate about learning and use the app for weeks, then it kinda burns out after a while. Right now I haven’t used it since I got sick in May. How long was your last phone call? A little longer than an hour, I think. It was pure silence though; we just wanted to hear each other’s surroundings. Do you need to repaint your nails? No, I never get it painted. Has there ever been a horoscope that came true for you? Psh. Are you a fan of industrial metal? Holy shit I feel so stupid right now. I thought this was referring to a literal kind of metal and I thought, that is such an odd thing to be a fan of...Google quickly taught me that it is in fact NOT a material for building infrastructure jdsskfjskf. Anyway, no I am not a fan. Are you one of those people who chew two pieces of gum, not one? Yeah, occasionally. I don’t like how one piece loses flavor all too quickly so I go ahead and pop two in. Do you have a wall calendar? Not since 2008. We only had a wall calendar in our old house; when we moved here we started to rely on digital clocks and our phones to tell the time. Have you ever taken the pictures from a calendar and used them as posters? I haven’t had a calendar like that, so no. I’ve done this with magazines though. Can you handle the cold? Hahaha no, I can’t. I was already in so much pain in 20ºC weather in Sagada, and I fared much worse in 12ºC Japan weather. I would still pick living in a colder climate in a heartbeat over a tropical one, though. Have you ever been to Canada? Nope.  Do you believe in superstitions? Just one superstition involving my university that doubles as an inside joke, so it’s not like I take it 100% seriously. It’s a generations-old joke that’s impossible to ignore if you’re a student, so I just jumped in. When was the last time you took a taxi somewhere? It was from the airport to back home, but I forgot where we landed from. Bohol I think? Palawan? I don’t even know anymore. It was so inconvenient I begged my dad that we stop using taxis as transportation for our future trips. Would you ever join the army, airforce or navy? No. How old is the person you last kissed? 22. Is there a friend that you can always rely on to get you out of a jam? I don’t think so. When it comes down to it they all have their own different things going on and I can’t just call them whenever and expect them to come to me, and that’s okay. Generally though, I think my most reliable friends are probably Andrew and Angela. What was the most embarassing thing you've had to buy? I’ve never felt embarrassed by anything I had to buy, but it can get a little uncomfortable trying to buy napkins when my dress or pants are already soaked. I get over it quickly though, since menstruations are normal lol. Have you ever tried to balance the light switch between off and on? When I was a kid. I haven’t tried it in a while. Do you believe in ghosts / supernatural occurences? They’re fun to think about, sure, and I do enjoy watching the supernatural episodes of Buzzfeed Unsolved where they go ghost-hunting. I like to think that they somehow exist, but I still also very much maintain my skepticism at all times. Have you ever mistaken a person's gender? I’ve used the wrong pronouns accidentally but I always correct myself and apologize once I’ve noticed my blunder. What was the most expensive thing you've broken? My old iPhones. I’ve also sported a few dents on my car, but I wouldn’t say I broke the car. Has anyone texted you yet today? Not text, but online chat. We had our virtual graduation this morning so my inbox was swamped with congratulatory messages and such. Did you stay calm during the whole swine flu scare? I did, but I mean I was 11 and had no clue how serious it was supposed to be. I remember cheering when they suspended classes for a week because of a local swine flu case, so yep – still ignorant back then. Is there a light on in the room you're currently in? There is, but it isn’t turned on. Are your feet touching the floor? Nope, they’re on the bed. Have you ever been in a car accident? Mild ones, nothing too life-threatening. Do you usually make back-up plans? Yeah man I’m so anxious I always have at least plans A-C lined up in my head and ready to go whenever necessary. Can you focus well in high-stress situations? Usually. Without the aid of mascara, do you have long eyelashes? I do. I get compliments on it all the time too. I didn’t realize it was apparently a nice feature to have until more and more people pointed it out haha. Is there a kind of music you listen to that helps you release your anger? Yeah I have a playlist that’s lined up with all of my favorite loud, angry punk rock music specifically for when I’m pissed off. Are you one of those people who keep their feelings bottled up? I can, particularly whenever I feel like it’s not worth it to blow up. Is one of your friends extremely odd but you love them regardless? Not really. Aya’s pretty weird but I wouldn’t call her extremely odd. Is there anyone you dread going into public with? My mom when she’s mad. Are you a victim of writing run-on sentences? For the most part, I wouldn’t say so. If I write a run-on sentence it’s almost always in an informal setting where I’m more loose with punctuation, like if I’m chatting on IM or writing an answer on here. Still, I try to avoid them and I never do it in a formal situation. Graffiti: an art or an act of vandalism? They can be both. Some people who genuinely just want to fuck around vandalize, like how I’ve seen “Mark <3 Erica” in spray paint on public walls or some similar shit lol. But a lot of graffiti are art as well; many have important messages or symbolisms to say. Do you buy things online? I’ve done it a few times. Not regularly. I like being able to see and touch something before buying it. Are you easily frightened? I definitely am but at the same time I’m really into horror movies and serial killers and a ghost-hunting series? Hahaha it’s weird. I guess I enjoy the thrill that comes with having those interests. Do you have a favorite model? Over the years I’ve loved Elizabeth Jane Bishop, Kiko Mizuhara, Taylor Marie Hill, Gigi Hadid, Bella Hadid, and (controversial pick!) Kendall Jenner. Have you ever watched Titanic? So many times. Honestly, one of my favorites. What's your current facebook display picture of? It’s my official graduation photo wearing my graduation sash! :) I finally changed it last Friday after I got the email saying I’m on the list of graduates. How about your IM display picture? My main IM is my Messenger, which also uses my Facebook photo. Is there anyone whose hair you envy? Gabie’s for one. Hers is really smooth and silky and wavy. Would you act in a movie if it offered a role? If I was going to be a mostly unseen extra in a blockbuster film and still be paid like $600 for it, then I don’t see why I wouldn’t take it. Does speaking in front of people make you nervous? Only if there’s going to be an unscripted aspect to it that’ll make me have to come up with answers on the spot, like miting de avances or thesis defense. If I have a script or even just a general gist of what I want to say, I have no problem improvising and speaking in front of a crowd. Can you read in a moving vehicle or does it make you sick? It makes me sick but it hasn’t stopped me before. Have you ever dated someone who was extremely shy? I’m the extremely shy person... Or have you dated someone who took things too fast? I felt that way with Gab at first when she wanted to have sex like two months after we started dating, though I was scared mainly because it was going to be my first time and I wanted to make sure I was comfortable. Now that I’m a little older, two months seems like a healthy amount of time. Does the idea of driving 220 mph sound exciting to you? Sounds terrifying. It could be fun, but only if we’re in the middle of nowhere where there’s loads of space to go that fast and no chance of crashing. Everyone has a weakness, what's yours? Food. Do you or anyone you know have an account on Deviantart? I had classmates in high school who had accounts but I’m not sure if they still have it, or if Deviantart is even still as active as I knew it to be. Thoughts on the Dunkin Donut commercial that says "America runs on Dunkin'"?  It’s a creative slogan but if I was American I wouldn’t want a doughnut place claiming to represent my country. It cute though. Do you bother buying movies on DVD anymore or do you just download them? I watch them on Netflix, which is still technically like buying them since we pay for the subscription anyway. Do you listen to Daughtry? No. Do you get your eyebrows waxed? I don’t. Waxing looks so painful to me. How do you take your coffee? Lots of creamer or milk, a little sugar. I like trying out different coffees, but when I’m simply relaxing I do want my coffee as least bitter as possible.  If you have a dog, what breed is it? I have an aspin mix, though we never figured out what Kimi’s other half is. And I also have a beagle. Have you found someone who makes you unconditionally happy? I don’t know if 'unconditionally’ is possible but yes, I do have people who make me very happy. Do you have a friend who always seems to be dying their hair? Not anymore. Jo used to dye her hair like every month though and she must have been able to go through the entire rainbow. She looked sooo good in each of the colors. Would you swap names with a friend? I love all their names but I don’t see why that would be necessary. Do you plan on going to university? I did. I graduated today. Guys who wear muscle shirts, yes or no? Idk man, they can wear whatever they want. Are you a fan of Carrie Underwood? No. I liked some of her singles when I was younger, but I’m not a fan in that I have her albums and know her lesser-known songs. Do you make playlists on iTunes? I used to, when I still used iTunes. I make playlists on Spotify now. Have you ever forgotten someone's birthday? I don’t think so. Are you scared of being left behind? Yessir. I’m super competitive, so I hate the feeling. Do you remember your last dream? No. I’m really bad at remembering them unless they’re nightmares or insanely strange. I do know that I dreamt while we were watching mass earlier on the television though, hahaha. Do you know someone who is an obsessed Star Wars fan? So many people in my circle are. Is politics something you don't care about? No. If there’s anything I give tons of fucks about, it’s that. What's a movie/tvshow/book/series that is way overrated? I’ll go with the first things I thought of...in that order: To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before; Stranger Things (it’s good, but not as good as people hyped it to be); I don’t really read anymore; and what do you mean by series? Just realized I only gave 2 out of 4 answers lol oh well. Do you think Barbie presents an unhealthy image to young girls? I don’t like how its physical features are still unrealistic; but I appreciate their attempts at diversity. I can’t say it was upsetting seeing a Filipino-themed Barbie :) Is there a pet that you desperately want? All I ever wanted were dogs, and now I’ve got two of them. Would you ever get your bellybutton pierced? Nope. Are you musically talented? Hahahahaha Have you ever shot a gun? Not a real one, so no. Athenna’s dad had this practice gun he used for target practice (duh) and I messed with that a few times. Do you have a friend that always changes their mind last second? That’s Gabie. She’s lucky she’s my girlfriend and that I love her, because it’s actually a big pet peeve of mine. Are you not afraid to voice your opinion? Yup. The only time I don’t say it out loud is if it’s unnecessary and if it’s going to be simply disrespectful. An example would be when my uncle offered to make me a carrot cake for my grad gift, and I just said yes because it was already generous enough for him to offer me a free cake when he runs a food business. In reality it’s not my favorite cake at all; it wouldn’t even be in my top 20. Are you one of those people who are always pushing their limits? Yes, I definitely overwork myself to the point of exhaustion and burnout. But I honestly prefer doing things and being busy than sitting around. Is there a word that you will always find humorous? Bubbling. Because Drake and Josh.

Do you frown upon immature people? Typically. Have you ever slipped on ice and hurt yourself? This may have happened to me once or twice when I was still regularly visiting the ice skating rink at the mall. People were always super nice and helped me get up, though. Do you try to have an intimidating impression? I don’t try. Apparently it’s naturally the vibe I give off. Living in the big city or chilling in the country? BIG CITY. Always the big city. I’ve gone to the country/province so many times; I already know what it’s like there. I’ll always prefer a noisy city. No one seems to obey the legal drinking age, do they? Hahahaha a lot seem not to. I know so many high school kids who’ve had a drink before turning 18. Do you like your country's flag? Sure. I like that we can switch up the colors depending on if we’re at war or not. Have you ever made a totally amazing snow fort? I’ve never even seen snow before. Do you use Bounty Paper Towels? No. Are you the one usually behind the camera or the one in the picture? BEHIND If you get married, will you have a traditional wedding? Traditional, yes. Religious, no. Do you feel you’re slowly losing one of your friends? No. But now that I’m no longer in school, I really hope I’ll continue to be friends with my orgmates. I’ll certainly keep in touch as much as I can. If you draw, what's one thing you always have trouble with? Everything about it. Is there someone you know moving away any time soon? No. I do know my friend’s sister had already moved and started her new job in California, but when the pandemic started she had to go back here. This virus is just ruining so many great things for everyone, man... Allergic to anything? Nope. How many cars have you owned? Zero. I drive one; can’t say I own it because my parents bought it. What are you going to do after this? Maybe take another survey.

[armandyke]

hallo here are the hc's i whipped up for the teacher au!! i'm sorry this turned into an essay i'm just a dumbass who loves soft teacher au a lot!!

“not sure what the others would teach in this teacher au tho-” *wakes up in the dead of night with cold sweat* *kicks down the door* I HAVE SOME THOUGHTS!!

oh boy…get ready….cause it’s A LOT

- Submitted by @katgreeves

luther: physics teacher, cause you know…spaceboy……everyone is scared at the beginning of the year when they get him as a teacher cause he’s TALL AND HUGE AS FUUUUUCK, but then fast forward two months later and everyone is chill because turns out he’s a really easygoing and soft teacher…just really socially awkward and lowkey dumb sometimes

asshole kids in his classes use his softness to his disadvantage and pull pranks on him constantly, poor guy….the other kids tho always tell them to shove it tho because he may be soft and dumb and socially awkward but he’S OUR SOFT AND DUMB AND SOCIALLY AWKWARD TEACHER DON’T TOUCH HIM!! the first time they protected him he had to remind himself not to tear up because HE FELT SO LOVED!!!! 

he gets them snacks even if they’re not supposed in the science classrooms because “eXPeriMENts and CHEmIcALsSsSsssSS!!!” and will rant for hours about space and starts and THE MOOOOON cause when he was a kid he always wanted to be an astronaut ( :’))))))) ) and his kids get fed up one day and go “why don’t you just make an astrology club mr luther????” and he does and IT’S A REAL SUCCESS WITH THE SCHOOL BODY YAY!!!

(five when he grows up also becomes a physics teacher and pesters luther all the time like “I AM 10 TIMES THE TEACHER YOU EVER WERE-” “NO YOU AREN’T STFU” and he’s technically wrong and right because material wise??? yes he’s 100% the better teacher and he always has answers to the kids questions and teaches them extra content cause he’s always been a genius but as a physics teacher that kids really like????? no siree that title goes to luther because he was a soft teddy bear to his students and they trusted him while five is eccentric and strict the the point where his kids are scared the FUCK out of him)

diego: pe teacher, SWEARS SO MUCH IN FRONT OF THE KIDS IN CLASS OMG HOW IS HE NOT FIRED YET?? is tough on the kids sometimes so push harder but IS ALSO SOFT AND REALLY ENCOURAGING THE KIDS TO WORK AND TRY THEIR BEST BECAUSE HE BELIEVES IN THEM!!! (except for the group of cocky assholes he’ll get in every class and don’t want to listen to them…he has personally removed their rights in the class)

whenever the self-defense unit comes around he’s sooooo dedicated to it and makes sure that the kids master everything to a t, cause who knows when it might come in handy??? he wants to make sure that the kids know how to protect themselves as the world is a shitty place and you never know when shit will go bad (except he does…he’s had enough bullshit and scared happen to him and has gotten involved in so many fights that he wants to make sure that the kids won’t hurt like him :“’))))))))) ) 

he’s a secret softie that will protect the kind kids that are not as good at pe and get bullied by the cocky assholes in the class becAUSE THAT’S JUST WHAT HE WOULD DO NO IM NOT SELF PROJECTING OF WHAT I WANTED OUT OF MY PE TEACHERS SHUT U-

also eudora is a pe teacher and the two of them are very competitive to be the best pe teacher and this rivalry turns into playful flirting and big ass crushes that they’re way too stubborn to admit, the entire school still ships it anyways (the entire school also ships klaus and dave because gay rights!!!!!)

allison: either school counselor or principal i can’t decide because she can be super kind and open to talk and gives advice that helps a LOT but she’s also a hbic THAT CAN AND WILL run the place. 

anyways, whatever job she has, she also helps with the drama club and school plays, and literally every year the theatre kids BEG HER to kick out the current drama teachers and replace them because allison>>>>>>>>>>>> all of the existing drama teachers there  

ben: is either a literature or philosophy teacher. super smart and knowledgable but is also really laid back and fun to talk to. he’s got a dark and snarky sense of humor and his students always have sass battles with him. the number of INSANE inside jokes his students and him share is HUGE.

HE DEMANDS THAT HIS STUDENTS PARTAKE IN READING TIME IN THE BEGINNING OF CLASS NO MATTER WHAT THEY HAVE TO DO BECAUSE READING IN AN IMPORTANT SKILL AND HOBBY FOR DEVELOPMENT AS A READER, WRITER, LEARNER, AND OVERALL PERSON AND NO AMY DON’T ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME I’M THE TEACHER HERE AND I SAID NO ELECTRONICS SO PUT THE GODDAMN PHONE AWAY BEFORE I COME OVER THERE AN-

anyways…he is really considerate to what students need and makes them as relaxed as possible because school is HELL. students LOOOOOVE HIM. HE’S THE ONE TEACHER BESIDES DAVE THAT LITERALLY EVERYONE LIKES. (highkey inspired by my philosophy and lit teachers because they’re also really smart but sassy and cool like ben and I JUST THINK THEY’RE NEAT)

vanya: strings orchestra teacher for obvious reasons. she was real shy at first when she first got hired but the the strings department at that time was soooo small and crappy that she went “oh HELL no,” rolled up her sleeves, and set to revitalize it just because she cares about music so much.

she recruited more students, got more advanced music so the kids could feel a challenge and be motivated to improve, and collaborated with the choir and band departments to provide more clubs, events and opportunities outside of class for kids to do music.

she is a no business type of teacher when it comes to arrogant people that put other players down or people who don’t practice and goof around and will snap at them SO HARD because everyone needs to be at their a game for a concert and in an orchestra no single person is bigger that the collective. she’s however SOOOO SOFT with really soft playing and shy kids because she understands how it feels when you think your playing isn’t good enough, so gives them extra help, gives them solo lines or solos to play so they gain more confidence in themselves, all while constantly giving encouraging words about how much they’ve improved that always makes them feel better and more motivated to improve.

she’s an absolute anxious and cranky maniac a week before the concert but she throws parties with food, drinks, and games afterwards to celebrate with her kids. she constantly gets them to play music related games and challenges that they do as a class for team bonding to make things more entertaining in class. she makes dumb music puns a lot too! 

she also will in the class say crazy stories of her childhood and the crazy shit she and her siblings did and then somehow always relate it back to the lesson and make it some sage advice…the kids never understand how she does it

(me???? self projecting more of my teachers into this au cause they’re cool??? more likely than you think)

also one day she chops her hair real short and cute and the conversation with her students basically went like this:

students: miss vanya you cut your hair???

vanya: yes kids I’m a lesbian

students: !!!!!!!!!!!!

vanya: ;))))))))

students: MISS VANYA SAID GAY RIGHTS!!!!

vanya: HELL YE I DID!!!

bonus grace yayyyy!!!!!: is the school nurse…she’s so sweet, so soft….has precisely whatever people need when they feel sick/injured…helps them calm down in they’re freaking out…always has a couple of beds in the nurse’s office so people can lie if they feel dizzy…gives out candy/sweets/food to people so they feel better!!

diego meets her a lot because a lot of kids in his class gets injuries and he takes them to the nurse and he jUST LOVES HER SM!!! INSTANT MOM FIGURE!! THEY TALK AND JOKE AND LAUGH TOGETHER AND GRACE WILL ALWAYS GIVE HIM A PASTRY SHE MADE WHENEVER HE COMES BY AND HE JUST IS SO SOFT AROUND HER ITS GREAT (his students find his sudden change in his demeanour amusing “hey mr diego is nurse grace your MMMmoooOoOooOOOmMMMMMMmmmmmM??” “kid your a good one but say that shit to me one more time and I will beat the sh-”)

she always has a smile on her and everyone LOVES HER…..except for the administration that always want to get her fired because they are assholes and they think she’s too weird to stay. however, every time they try to fire her, a certain teacher comes by the office for what they claim is a civil discussion...and after an hour of yelling, death threats, and the door getting 10 knife marks they go “you know what grace…you can stay" 

those assholes are persistant though, and one time though not even a certain teacher could get them away from firing her so once the news breaks out that nurse grace is leaving the whole school is FURIOUS and throws a 1 week riot and the administration get so scared and tired that they just go "OK WERE SORRY JUST KIDDIN- OK OK SHE’S STAYING FOR GOOD JESUS”

grace is so grateful that she makes a whole bunch of cake for everyone and everyone with tears in their eyes just goes “this…is why we love you sm nurse mom”

~~okkkieee that’s the end of it sorry it’s a literal essay I just got very passionate about this au lmao rip!!! I’m slowly tempted to write a fic about it even though i’ve never written a fic before in my LIFE and I already have like 3 other au fic ideas in my head already smh

[elizabethrobertajones]

14x03 watching notes

Just finished watching and said, out loud and to no one: “Awww Jack.”

(This is not a spoiler, he’s just so sweet.)

-

Hallo, I am watching from bed despite having 3rd hand inherited a 2nd monitor over the weekend so theoretically my watching experience would be back to giant comfortable side-typing glory.

But comfy.

Easily accessible stuffed toys because Bobo Fucking Berens in Dabb era has made me cry more at this dumb show in the last couple of years than I cried in the previous ten.

Expectations: it's our Dean episode to make up for no Dean until now, and also Jody is there to see Sam's beard, and also Cas continues to be party!Cas, and Jack's shirts get darker and darker.

-

Side note: I think I was rushing out the door before I could talk about our lil Nougat of Denmark properly last episode where he was all, so we're killing my uncle then, and Cas was all D: D: D: D: D: who raised you. (Dean. Dean did. In this regard the boy is his father's son.) This, of course, is another Shakespearean irony than is being returned to Dean via Jack.

The point of this focus is very much to show Jack vs Cas mindsets on it when we're getting Dean returned to us, and I assume considerably more nuance is being added to the story. But for now, Jack being ready to kill his father to kill his uncle because his father was ready to kill him to kill the ghosts he saw of his enemies in Jack is more than enough of a pile of tragedy level angst to be working with.

I just need it to be clear that as far as I'm concerned, Jack is working in a completely different genre from EVERYONE ELSE around him, and the fact that it's the protagonist of a tragedy is fairly alarming, as it's a mindset that Sam, Dean and Cas have hurdled over since season 5/6 and though Dean still assumes he'll die bloody, he is at least capable of dreaming of a happy ending, and a lessening of the angst load has allowed that. Their personal stakes in the story are dwindling, in a sense, while Jack has showed up with like FOUR FATHERS and an evil uncle, which is so much potential family angst Shakey would have exploded. "Wait you can just addeth extra fathers thence addeth extra angst!?!?"

Yes my dude, yes.

-

*hits play* *Sam ruggedly cocks his pistol* You're stealing this whole shtick from Dean and I think it is time for the angst that you were the one dramatically cocking a gun and being the yes reductive heteronormative blah blah penis of the dynamic while Dean was not there to do it.

-

Oh no we immediately start with more Jack angst recap and aside from everything I just said I remembered that Bobo personally murdered me in 13x03 with the Jack n Sam stuff and here we are a year later.

Mr Stark I don't feel so good

-

THE BEARD EXCHANGE IS LITERALLY THE OPENING SCENE. BOBO I LOVE YOU. Thank you for breaking the tension and immediately drawing attention to how Sam has been busy and miserable. I think 14x01 set up well that every time he even had a moment to sigh his phone would ring again, and hence the beard appears as Sam eskews personal grooming and comfort in exchange for finding his brother. Jody is gonna draw attention to it at some point too because we have the promo shot of her nice peach fuzz-ing him, and I sincerely hope this is bookends to the episode and the next episode Sam is clean shaven with no comment except Jody prodded him in the face, and let me tell you only Bobo has me fantasising about the narrative framing of an episode like this.

God i'm a nerd

Anyway more seriously, this exchange coming out of the blue has a clear motive: Dean is up and about, still so freshly de-Michaeled he's in a waistcoat (and LORDY the only other scene he was in a waistcoat? 7x12's ending scene where Sam turns into such a moron in Jody's presence he's waving blushily at the door still AFTER SHE HAS GONE). Complaining about not being able to eat and sleep might be a sense of hyperbole to catch given the lack of elapsed time, but it also warns us that this might be how Dean reacts to being un-Michaeled. Or would he not, given he's up and about and snarking like his old self? How damaged will he be and how much can he repress into snark? He is playing off the very idea that this experience will have been damaging to his psyche and of course Michael did a ton of stuff which was expressly tuned to BE damaging to his psyche, then punched a mirror and shattered Dean's reflection for extra emphasis.

So all this question of how Dean is doing is loaded into the very opening line before he's even taken off his waistcoat, or of course, had enough time to truly eat/sleep/develop massive tells of the psychological trauma he may or may not have taken.

Obviously the show wouldn't be the show if he were fine, so I'm taking it as a question posed.

Then of course it slides into Bro Banter to prove it's Dean, remind us JUST how much we missed this snarky genre savvy fucker, and to make Sammy smile.

-

Also we're mocking Jared for being friends with that one Duck Dynasty guy who Jared's fans insist is the least awful of the bunch and also who you end up hanging out with when you're most embedded in the Texan stardom scene rather than living in Hollywood or whatever.

(God imagine being famous and from Atlanta and sticking true to your roots and you end up with the Queer Eye guyses as your BFFs instead)

-

Listen Bobo showed his socialist party membership card on twitter, he has no fucks to give about waving his politics around and I love him.

-

"If you're going to ask if I'm okay, you don't have to" (I am making fun of your beard, what more do I have to give you, bro?)

Buddy, I have been watching your face for over a decade and you have the sad tired pink eyelids of a Dean who is both tired and miserable.

-

Oh NO Dean walks into the main room expecting his comfy quiet library and war room full of 3 trusted family faces, and finds the bustle of Boss Sam's operation. The upcoming noise of these people before he turns the corner is an immediate warning that we should have expected this as dramatic irony for Dean's comfort levels from the start, and now he's back, well.

Panicked eyes.

He needs quiet recovery with his peeps, not alarming sudden change. A rug pull immediately after possession is a terrible thing to deal with. I've been wondering if this is a full reverse of season 6 for Dean - from the trustability of the hunter compound to the fact he lives in it, to the Samuel running it. But the effect is the same. Dean comes back from quiet time off to a change he can't handle and Sam in a new position in a family/hunter heirarchy. In this case, not Samuel's soulless goon, but a fully bearded Boss Sam King Of Hell Sir who Runs Shit competently in a way we the viewer trust implictly as Sam having Done Well, and also that the AU peeps might be a bit rough or untrained in some ways but 100% reliable in that they really do have no ulterior motive and every reason to think of Sam as an AU Moses who popped up and walked them to another land of safety and comfort.

-

Like, Dean, welcome back, you have Hamlet, Moses and Mobby to deal with. Cas seems to be the same as you left him, though. If somehow, impossibly, squintier.

-

"Right, Chief told us"

GOD I MISSED JENSEN'S MICRO EXPRESSIONS

You know how Michael sucks? No micro expressions. Guy doesn't have an anxious bone in his body.

This little bundle of neuroses I have chosen to love is full on having a meltdown on the other hand.

-

"Dean? Is it really you?" "Hey kid"

HUG. THE. BOY.

I suppose this is better than last year when he had a hug from a shapeshifter and had to wait to episode 6 for a hug from his father, but REALLY this season has been tormenting me with how bad Jack feels and even a hug from his gramgram isn't enough to satisfy how he should have been hugged by Sam, Cas and now Dean already this season.

We're only on epiode 3 and he's already got more hugs than he had this point last year. Deep  breaths, Lizzy

-

Children need a lot of cuddles to affect their development into sensitive people okay? Dean got a lot of hugs up to age 4 and Sam basically did not, and he's an awkward moose and Dean is snuggly. I want Nougat to have the same development into a sensitive lad because he has EIGHTEEN FUCKING PARENTS AND NONE OF THEM HUG HIM

-

CAS HEARD 'DEAN' FROM ACROSS THE BUNKER, ARRIVES IN A BLUR

-

GOOD NOUGAT, HUG DEAN.

But like, dude, Cas just showed up at a run and made the gooiest eyes at Dean who made them back, and now you're officially cockblocking, so naff off, kid

-

I watched with prayer hands and Cas just got gooier and Dean got sulky he didn't get a Cas hug and this is officially the worst. Bobo, you let me down, my guy.

-

I mean no, Cas's gooey eyes were

...

Cas doesn't do gooey eyes. He squints. Squintily.

Who is this guy

-

Lol Mobby aren't in the episode because they stayed back to clean up - Sam gets stammery to Jack. Is he scared to imply they're maybe banging because he finds it weird but everyone else present is an even worse audience to announce this to for one reason or another (historically coped much better with the concept of dad sex when discovering adam and also didn't drive the car off the road into a ditch on finding out mary banged ketch), or is he trying to protect Jack from the concept of Michael leaving a pile o dead bodies for one reason or another, knowing Michael is his rage button?

-

He was the one who dealt with Jack trying to stay back in the AU to fight Mikey instead of just coming home.

-

"Speaking of clean up, I need a shower" *gestures vaguely* *Cas opens his mouth like why did I have a reaction image here? Do you want -* *closes mouth* *dean leaves*

Guys. You fucking suck. Go take a shower together and work things out.

-

"Still okay, I promise" *bisexual finger guns at Cas*

cut to: Cas squinting after Dean like "is he implying something"

"..."

"I really feel like he was trying to communicate something to me"

"..."

"I have no idea what Dean just hinted loudly to me twice in short succession and now that he has gone to shower I guess I will never know what he was attempting to communicate to me"

-

"Where's Nick?" "Hopefully not in this episode. Let's just say he needs some time because he's in a dark place and hope that's ALL we have to say about him"

-

Oh no. "Sam. Dean. How is he really?"

Cas has a one track mind.

But then we get the shot of Dean opening his door and they're still talking about him over the top of it, but it's that same shadowed shot of himself silhouetted in the doorway, the inner darkness represented by his room... Sam went into his and stripped himself of the tools in his pocket but before he could sleep, Jo called and set them all off again with the next lead.

Now Dean opens his door and turns on the light so we can see his inner self in a moment of peace and privacy, but essentially with a voice over about how he's super not okay.

-

Just how we left it. You can't even tell that for the last 2 episodes/3 weeks Cas has been coming in and snuggling your pillow every time he's not in a scene because where the fuck was he inbetween scenes in 14x02

-

God I have missed lingering shots of Dean's room, equating his inner space to his inner feelings. *paws lovingly at the shot* Dean's room all tidy and orderly and as he left it, yet feeling somehow very very empty and off-kilter in an unfamiliar way because he hasn't been here for so long.

-

It was all serious then guitar music started playing as Dean started stripping

and look

I saw the promo pics

you saw the promo pics

some person in the audience is like... why are we lingering on Dean getting undressed alone in his room while guitar music kicks up?

-

Is this what all that winking and finger gun action was about?

-

(Dean didn't wink but I took a lil break to chat with Mittens and the moment has evolved into him gurning at the door for like a minute trying to remind Cas that this means he joins him in the shower in 5)

-

"Fuck this shirt in particular"

I still think it was the audacity of wearing a bow tie that dragged Dean to the surface last episode

-

I love how Dean changes from this plain white t-shirt which is completely clean and shiny, into his normal dark dark brown shirt between scenes. I hope he got to shower. Whatever happened, this scar could have said "Ha ha ha I'm behind you", and he would have finished stripping down right to the skivvies then started fresh with his own boxerbriefs before freaking out and rushing to show the others.

-

But yeah, he's PISSED and embarrassed about Michael. You don't throw a guy's shirt on the floor like that unless you feel SERIOUSLY used, and here we end up with a creepy sort of STD metaphor, complete with the visual similarity to the clap: https://www.giantmicrobes.com/uk/products/clap.html

Bad fling, Dean?

-

Poker!witch gave Sam the clap in the episode which was totally not a metaphor about Sam getting the clap then beating poker!witch at his own game like nearly 20 episodes before he was possessed by Lucifer then beat him at his own game.

-

"Do the whole vulcan mind meld thing" Listen, James T Kirk, you can't just MAKE yourself one of the most iconic slash pairings of all time by comparing - wait

wait a minute

*Checks slash history books and sees them as a dictionary definition or two*

-

Anyway.

-

Dean's so eager for Cas to jump into his head. Just, like. Again. We all said it but immediately after that shirt throw? It REALLY emphasises that Dean sees Cas in this transcendant way to being used by an angel that got in his head. And left an STD mark on his arm. He can just immediately think, well, that sucked. But here's MY angel and I'm just gonna rev myself up and present my head for inspection and this isn't even a thing I'm concerned about. Hit me, big guy.

-

Oh come the fuck on Bobo.

I didn't have time to hit pause to have a heart attack about Cas putting his hand over The Scar, the one on the wrong shoulder, to get a clearer reception, because there's a HISTORY in scars, okay? They leave a mark and to the discerning poker and prodder like Cas that history can be read in the mark... And Cas sees... Michael being stabbed by a spear. Not just, like. Seeing Michael being stabbed by a spear, mind you. He sees it in a Bobo episode in a way wildly reminiscent of Patience seeing Claire/Kaia getting stabbed by a VERY SIMILAR LOOKING SPEAR and getting her Wayward introduction that way, when the whole Dreamhunter thing ended up being a massive Destiel parallel and Kaia getting stabbed already mirrored CAS getting stabbed by a spear (Michael's, natch) in 12x12, never mind the other stuff.

So Bobo has just built up a Destiel Dreamhunter sandwich, with Destiel nonsense either side, complete with bonus shoulder scar imagery, and a nice gooey dreamhunter centre.

Bobo, if you hadn't noticed, is really really really really reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally bitter he isn't off writing Wayward Sisters and hanging with his girls.

There's still a bunch of stuff to add up here, about why and who and how it all connects, which would involve dragging in these other spear-y episodes to assemble the full picture, so I'm just gonna hit play now I'm recovered from the shock :P

-

Oh dude it was a hooded figure who even LOOKED like bad Kaia and tbh at this point I'd say maybe even was?

Like, how many pronged spears are out there anyway and Jody's dealing with it so is it local? Did Michael pop up on Kaia like hey so you and I are both from alternate universes, what do you wa - OW FUCK JESUS FUKKIN CHRIST -

-

"Dean, who was that?"

Dean recognised her, and Cas was mind-melded enough with him to know that Dean did... Good grief I can not handle Dean and Cas existing on an emotional plane.

It's enough to mean they're the ones who call Jody with a tip off for HER rather than months of them asking her to help THEM.

-

Introducing us back to the Wayward world - South Dakota mug, and a text that Claire is a little angel who has been training her gals and even did the laundry.

I'm so happy

-

Eyebrow raise

God, Kim Rhodes is the most beautiful woman on the whole show and that's saying something considering, like. Ruthie. Lisa Berry. Something about the way she uses her face is so full of intelligence and humour that I am HELPLESS in her presence

-

God damn I want that fabled Girls' Night episode. Billie comes along too on a night off.

-

Rowena calls her up for chats sometimes these days, they're actually really good pals.

-

Sam you fucking moron you can't even finish a sentence in her presence. Just slap Dean on his WOUNDED arm and throw the ball to him.

-

Everyone leaning over the phone... This is the closest Cas has ever come to Jody.

"Jody, that's the good news."

Jody recognises that gravelly voice and snaps to holyshitanangel attention. "What's up?"

The implicit thing here is that Cas and Jody know each others' voices and are on at least chatting acquaintance. I would like to think they're invited over for beer at the same time but we have no proof..................... yet. This is Bobo on a "fuck you" rampage so I'm just, like, gonna wait see.

-

Bad Kaia has been going around ripping heads off things. DAMN, GIRL.

-

Considering the placement of the pronging was ~random~, in the sense that she can meat fork you anywhere, that means the placement of it on the meat of Dean's arm where the handprint once was on the other is even MORE significant in a metaphorical sense, of writing about "the scar" in the way of giving it a mystical property tied into the wider framework of all these relationships and events at once. The amount piled onto a simple stabbing is unbelievable, and the use of the scar as the vector for all this is definitely the byline of the episode given the title and all. It's brought Kaia back to us, given Jody the clue she needs.

And more dramatic irony that Claire was just asking to help, and Jody was like DEFINITELY HUMAN, SO ALL MINE. HAHAHA. And now we know, no, it's not all "human", it's bad!Kaia and that makes her CLAIRE'S.

-

I keep stopping to seal clap

-

it's 7:20am

-

Cas is packing up to leave with them!!!

And Jack looms blurrily into the background in his darkest t-shirt yet. And he's been RAPIDLY cycling through them.

In a sense this is good laundry practice, in order that you have a full load of lights followed by a full load of darks.

Metaphorically, however, this is BAD.

Jack sounds pissed they're all wearing jackets and packing bags, and he's wandering around in an over-sized dark grey t-shirt (one of Dean's? AUBobby's? It doesn't look like his standard fare which fits his body, this makes him look SMOL), with no idea we were off to kill the wizard.

Let's be charitable and say he wants to meet Jody and hang out with Kaia again.

But more likely Bobo is once again messing with Jack's inherent darkness in his presentation, especially as right now, once again while Jack is being The Sweetest Little Cookie, meeting his grandparents for ice tea and looking through the family photo album with misty eyes, he is ALSO Prince Nougat of Denmark and this is causing some serious darkness slippage because, well, revenge. Revenge is bad, kiddo. Don't need a ghost of your dead father (hey Dean's back) to tell you that.

The accusatory tone is enough to warn us that Jack's not doing so well and I'm going to assume drags Cas away from a mission with Dean followed by cooldown eating pizza and watching flicks with the girls.

-

"Kaia's killer is in Sioux Falls" Buddy. "He, she or it can hurt Michael" BUDDY.

I suppose they're bringing Cas because Bad Kaia kicked their asses and they assume Cas is the same height as her pet/metaphor for Kaia's inner fucked-up-ness so he can probably fight it??

-

"Michael's my enemy too! I fought him. For MONTHS." JACK sweetie. You can't just go around like, having an enemy list. And comparing it with your collective fathers' list.

The line about bringing Kaia into it and being responsible for what happened to her is good, though. Jack's got a social consciousness and that is lovely because he keeps doubting his goodness but when it comes down to it he wants to meet his grandparents and feels bad that Kaia got dragged into things and killed.

Of course, not realising this is Bad Kaia, they're all off to get MORE revenge on that thing that killed her.

-

Aw, Dean, no, don't point out how smol he is. He's wearing a huge baggy shirt to emphasise it already.

"I didn't - I didn't MEAN to be a dick" Whoops. Well, you were. You also missed the part where Jack went from smol precious child to angsty teen.

Fun fact: Hamlet was supposed to be like 18 or whatever, but because a famous actor wanted the lead role but was like, idk, 50, Shakey bumped up Hamlet's age a lil so he could get away with it, making him more of, like, a giant manbaby who is still functionally a teen in all ways except he keeps getting portrayed by middle aged men.

So, of course, we have our one and a half year old Nougat who is a 29 year old actor now getting into his terrible teens, and if that isn't the funnest nugget of trivia...

... then you are not as much of a nerd as I am about irony, coincidence, and neat overlaps of thingies.

Point is: get me a version of Hamlet where the other expected actors are adults of course, but Horatio and Hammy and his squad are dumb teens.

-

Lol Bobo just randomly introduces a cool lady hunter who is dragging a random victim of a hex down into the bunker to be healed by an angel. That poor girl is going to have a story to tell.

A lot just happened in a few seconds but at least Jack, who has stormed off for his nth teenage sulk of the season, now has a Cas trapped in the Bunker with him.

Dean n Sam gonna get their asses kicked by Bad Kaia

honestly is this just a ploy not to keep Cas where Jack is, but to keep Misha away from stunt fighting?

Anyway Dean communicates most of the above to Cas silently, and tells him that he should stay with Jack and also heal this girl and they have the most married eye conversation about what  needs to be done, which is wonderful that they've been having these silent conversations all Dabb era but this is definitely the wordiest so far. I mean one of their more recent was just "Dean I can hear that cowboy music in your head" "what cowboy music?"

-

DEAN DOESN'T EVEN LOOK THRILLED TO BE DRIVING BABY AGAIN.

Sam mostly looks concerned he's hitting 80mph

I don't know anything about American speed limits but this is an alarming speed to me because in the UK 70 is usually like, the Most, and we don't have enough long straight roads that when there's no speed limit it's ever really recommended to go super fast because you will flip your car and die because all our roads are one and a half car length wide and extremely wiggly. And our motorways are congested enough you're more likely to be in a traffic jam than top speed anyway :P

-

I love that Dean measures people by their favourite Spice Girl. Hey Dean the 90s called, they want their pop culture relevance back.

You gay icon you.

(I'm reminded of 12x07 and Bobo and a similar conversation where Dean listed off all his manly manly historical faves)

-

Dean thinks Cas can handle it back home :')

-

"Something huge happened and you won't really talk about it!"

Okay Sam, he's traumatised and that's surface text.

You do realise the entire massive subtext is his repression and yet another metaphor for some huge queer experience and that this is the same conversation as 10x04 when he was grumbling into his chin about being embarrassed about what he did with Crowley? You realise that right?

Stop poking him about it, he'll talk when he's ready to open up. In the mean time he's feeling used and ashamed that this fling didn't go as planned after the whole first flirtation with waving his wings around and killing Lucifer where it all seemed fun to embrace his ~true self~ and have a crack at being a Flaming Michael Sword.

-

Also of course, we might just take him on his word that he really does NOT remember most of everything that happened because if he was truly repressing that much he wouldn't have been so gung ho for Cas to read his mind earlier but this mood pre-dates that so even if he remembered everything when Cas poked his brain, which seems unlikely as Cas saw it too, the wider sulk about his Clap Scar is more than just this.

-

It's a common experience, though, that Dean is repressed and moody, and Sam barrels in there trying to make him talk about it before he's ready, so the pressing is in character, regardless, that Sam doesn't trust that Dean is telling the whole truth and that there's some huge secret he's holding back.

The best part of queer subtext is that whether there is one or not it works - if there isn't, it's a metaphor for the obvious. If there is, same as above but the metaphor is concretely attached to whatever Dean is not telling Sam, and that in turn then becomes a part of the queer subtext, offered up on a platter to tell us more about how Dean is handling his post-possession shame of being, essentially, roofied after thinking he'd agreed to a consensual fling with a dude on his terms of entry and no strings attached, no walk of shame like he did when he was undressing earlier.

-

Poor guy can not catch a break. Shoulda hooked up with Aaron when you had the chance so your first time having a dude in you wasn't such a big deal, but just a nice booty call to keep in your phonebook. Now it's all Crowley this, Michael that...

-

"We need to deal with it." "Okay, I'm literally going EIGHTY to deal with it"

Dean, that's.

that's not therapy

"How can I be running from something when I'm RACING towards it" "I don't know, it's kinda your thing"

Sammy boy you have been trapped in the same car as Dean for way too long. Your analysis is getting deep. Deep deep cuts. Leave him alone.

-

I mean this is a guy who dealt with a gay panic by hooking up with Crowley and singing karaoke for him so.

-

"I  just *need* you to talk to me. Slow down."

Oh SAM you said a good and interesting combo of words there. Dean, go 70 instead of 80, give us some time to feel this out because I've been FREAKED and, for you, you got a time skip but I lived it all real time and it SUCKED, and I'm hurt too by this. Reminder: our family does not do well with LOSING each other, and this is every conversation we've ever had post-thinking that happened, and I did things responsibly and grew a beard and became Boss of a bunch of peeps and also King of Hell but we'll talk about that later... Like, slow down. I have my issues too. There's 2 of us in this car and you can't go 80 and time skip to the end of this conversation either. Not when I have 3 weeks of angst packed into it.

-

Also: classic Sam projection. Trying to get Dean to open up because HE has pain he wants to air, instead of just bringing up how he felt, he tries to get Dean to open up, and when this continues, as always, not to be how Dean deals with things, Sam gets upset because it never gives him the opening to talk about his shit until it's an argument...

You could have just started the convo, sorry about the beard, I really mean it when I say I haven't had a moment to myself for 3 weeks, it's been HELL and funny I should mention Hell, er, did you know you can kinda just declare yourself king these days... heh

-

At least he's using racing metaphors about wanting to catch up and also, like, catch up

Dean responds to the sport metaphors

-

Dean is like nah call Jody we're almost there. I skipped ahead.

-

Look, I'm delivering you to your boo, what more do you want?

Jody smiles at the sight of them in a way which is almost as revolting as Cas smiling at seeing Dean again

-

Hugs!

Send Jody to the Bunker to HUG OUR BOY

-

"How'd you do it?" "What, me vs some assbag archangel? Who would you pick?" "You, every time."

And this, guys, is how Jody is never, ever patched into their angst, because they present a narrative where Dean just kinda chucked off Mikey and sent him packing and it's all cool and he's a hero.

Jody has at multiple points threatened to beat Dean into submission in order to hear a true version of how he's doing and he has so far not given in and sat at her kitchen table with a box of tissues to sob through his crap, but I hold out eternal hope like the fool I am.

Anyway it's also telling RIGHT AFTER that last conversation where Sam was probing Dean so intensely, that this is the version of "I'm fine" that Dean is going with, and even though Sam KNOWS there's more to it, this is the wall Dean is projecting, even to him. Even when he knows Dean is freaked by it and doesn't know all the details.

-

Jody goes up like 18 pitches "Heeey I liiIIIiiike it!" she squeaks, forcefully tweaking Sam's beard because "nice peach fuzz" is too understated both for Jody and the volume of facial hair Sam has produced without comment until Dean came back and Jody showed up.

-

Dean has never been so offended in his life

-

*Jody continues giggling to herself while Sam desperately looks for a normal conversation*

-

AHAHA "I haven't been home since I talked to her........... I may be avoiding her"

Yeaaaah, bringing up that it's not just a normal human beheading and weird stab mark, but ALSO a KAIA-RELATED ONE maaay be... too much.

-

i'm going to be honest I've been so thrilled about everything I forgot to check what cast is flashing up on the screen

-

Anyway there is very much a subtext to Jody's avoidance of telling Claire what's going on that she knows how much she loved Kaia and how much of an issue this is - even if it's gonna be for revenge, because they don't know it's Bad Kaia - this is something where Claire's feelings make a MESS.

-

Bobo gets in Sam's serial killer thing, Dean is staring into the void like am I still even here or am I in hell. Is this a hell that Michael conjured. Mikey. Hey. Mikey. I figured it out. We're done here. Let's go back to regular torture. Michael. This is the bad place. Michael.

-

Dean stomps off into the woods because waiting for daybreak means being stuck in the same room as Jody and Sam flirting for a few hours.

-

Jody firmly pokes Sam in the chest with a map.

-

Sam.

-

A raven caws in the background, and Jack is wearing layers, the darkest shirt yet, a thick corduroy jacket in the style of early Sam, and is packing a bag.

-

He wrote a note and his handwriting is as disgustingly adorable as I thought it might be.

Alex wrote "Jack" with a cutesy backwards K in an autograph for someone who requested it at a con and I thought that was a cute detail but not how Jack would write and the real story - and I assume like with others they made him write it in character - is much more nuanced. His letters are competently shaped like he knows exactly how they should be, but shakily written, like he's not used to holding a pen, because, well, he isn't. He's not developed the muscle memory for it, just as he hasn't for fighting and all the other stuff, because in may ways he IS still a smol toddler with no life skills. His capital letters are huge and precise, like he knows he has to write them big, but disproportionate - putting so much emphasis on the titles of the people around him, the capital letters a metaphor for their influence on him. There's something clearly unconfident about writing and yet for all that obviously written by someone intelligent enough not to make basic errors of backwards letters and other things. He knows exactly how he is SUPPOSED to do it, but the execution is shakey, and disproportionate and generally looks unschooled and painfully revealing of his entire state of being.

-

Is this the scene where Bobo said out loud to an empty room, awww Jack.

-

I've been dreading that since the hiatus.

Maybe I should dig up that post and use it as the title for this one.

-

Triss is gonna die, Jack stopped by the stairs up out the Bunker in the war room, heard and saw Cas moving around, then in a fit of conscience or missing him already or something, stopped by to open the door and look in.

They have DEFINITELY expanded the Bunker set, in the sense that they've attached extra rooms to it or Wanek has sat down and made some parts more standardised, because they've shown off the corridor connections in every episode so far, and in this one we're seeing a never-seen-before connection which actually explains what is behind that window and how it fits. I mean, I'm pretty sure we've seen this particular room a few times, window and all, but never actual connections which show connected sets, so much as scenes starting or stopping there with no transition.

-

"She's been enchanted" "Like sleeping beauty" Jack says with awe "Awwwwwwwwwww" Lizzy says with awww

I honestly can't tell which moment Bobo said "Aw Jack" out loud about because we're getting such a series of them

-

Anyway, Hamlet, the great procrastinator, is distracted away from his mission to kill his uncle.

Not sure about the overlap of hearing things from the other side of a wall but I mean at least he's not going around stabbing people so

-

Jack also seeing all the important work they do for other people, even randos, and Cas getting involved in huntery business, distracted from emotionally nurturing him because of sleeping beauty there, and phoning rowena, doing the work to unknot a spell...

If we get Cas doing spellwork I'm gonna die, it's been Too Long.

-

Cas [squinting]: "Are you going somewhere?" Sleeping Beauty: "ooooww" Jack: "No."

Hon, that was so suspicious you are lucky this is Cas and not one of your other dads.

But. Aww Jack to an empty room.

-

"If I get a vote I'm team stick together" Jody remembers 9x19

Also Sam remembers bad!Kaia kicking their butts. They're on her natural territory

she is the Predator.

-

Sam keeps LOOKING at Jodio.

Look, I just

Cas keeps looking at Dean, Dean keeps looking at Cas

Jam won't stop looking at each other

-

That head is a Warning.

Come no further, mortals

-

I think Bad Kaia lives here

-

Vampires.

they really need to figure out how to biologically identify them except for teeth because they really come up against a lot of dead ones

-

Oh

"I brought tissue samples home, Alex ran them underneath the microscope"

Look, girls supporting girls, I knew what they needed to do before they did it lol

-

Dean: I was stabbed here

-

YAY I went frame by frame before the reveal and that is Kaia's face in there, the hood less spooky than before and more open to reveal her

-

Dean: bout to be stabbed here again

-

Dean finally has the moves to take on Bad Kaia after a season or two with the new stunt guy

but then her hood falls back and he's STUNNED

-

Now everyone is stunned

-

I think they've been using the Wayward Sisters Bad Place soundtrack for this but I'd have to check

the music is so very different and I'm not good at music ear thing

-

Cas: *eye twitches violently* Me: Cas why are you having trouble with this line Cas: "... marked.................... 'gross stuff'"

Cas, internally: Why did I marry into this family

-

Future MoLHunter 100 years later: "Man, this place is sweet, but the filing system is balls to the walls." Other Future MoLHunter: "Babe, you did not read the Winchester Gospels before your initiation?" F MoLHunter: "There is a drawer here marked 'hands of god' and the only thing in there is a pair of chopsticks and a ladel" OF MoL Hunter: Okay I will give you that. -

Me out loud to an empty room: aww Jack

He's so concerned about Sleeping Beauty, and he can't do anything about it but he's curious.

Maybe he CAN fix her and this is how he gets a lil power back.

I hope so because awww Jack being so concerned about her.

This is a Good Procrastination From Revenge

Hamlet, take fucking notes

-

"Is that your dad?" "One of them, yes." Aw Jack

Aw Bobo

Jack's flipping around on family - he's accused them of talking about nick/Lucifer as his father, he's disowned everyone but grampa and grammy Kline, and now he's fondly thinking of his three hero dads

He's really struggling to work out his place and what sort of family set up he belongs to and to be fair, he has so many fucking options and all of them are somewhat disastrous or tragic, so he's 100% in his right to be fuckin confused.

On the other hand Sleepy Beauty has no context so she's gonna assume Cas is gay married with a kid Jack's age and that's like, not untrue.

-

"My mom... but she probably hates me" "Why?" Jack says, horrified at the entire concept that a mom could hate a child, because, well, Kelly's love was COSMIC for him "because I left," she anvils

-

"I was sick of being treated like a kid, and i thought I could make it on my own" Oh boy. She's just expositioning how Jack feels and immediately telling him if he leaves he'll fall in with a witch, who curses her with an AGING spell which will make her old before her time.

I feel like there is probably... a metaphor........... in here...............

-

Also a reverse of Dean's aged down curse, because the girl and her other victims were hansel and greteled.

I had a sudden whim a couple of nights ago to see aged down Dean and current Jack hang out. Bring back Dylan Everett to go play basketball with Jack out on the front step.

-

"Gave us all nice things," she says, clutching at a HUGE EVIL EMERALD PENDANT AROUND HER NECK

Jack.................................

Is that cursed

-

"She said having us there kept her young" She put her own age into that locket

dang I should get a bonus point for bringing up poker!witch before he was relevant

I'm always curious about the show's implications about witches maintaining their youth by sucking it from others, because almost every witch we've met who had a focus on age was doing it for that reason, whether it was eating children or playing poker.

And we have a 300 year old witch chilling around who we don't know anything about when it comes to immortality, except that she has it and she bestowed it on Oskar so it's clearly a spell she can do rather than an inherent trait of reaching a certain level of magic practitionery.

-

"Then it started taking me too. Even faster than the others!" yeah because she killed the witch so she probably has to suck poor sleeping beauty dry in order to regenerate and skulk away and start over somewhere

-

PS: Sleeping Beauty is really doing an amazing performance here. I 100% am in Jack's shoes of being horrified and wanting to protect her

-

"Cas is going to fix this. I promise" Sweetie! Have you ever called him Cas rather than Castiel before? It seems weird. He even wrote castiel on the letter

-

Sam deducts Michael's entire plan off the clue that Alex couldn't detect the vamps in her sciencing, and based on having been attacked by super werewolves.

But why is Michael cleaning up these people?

Unless he's taking threats off the board who would be too cool and powerful and may challenge him...

-

"Doesn't change the plan" "but Dean - "

Dean walks off

Dean has no time for Sam suggesting maybe this is something awful because of Michael that Dean might know about or else be weirdly intimately connected to because of his weird Michael-based condition.

We have no clue what's going on and Sam doesn't like that and Dean's powering through and Jody is hovering in the background like WOW I can see why you leave me out of all your dumb main plot angst normally. Never done me one of these MAIN PLOT ones before. Can we go back to normal MotW where you're low key angsting in the subtext about whatever currently ails you?

-

Jody slaps Sam on the lower back

lower, babe. Lower.

-

Cas does magic, boom purple smoke!

Aw no she's still withered.

Jack, take her necklace off and smash it

because you did the good work of a hunter and talked to her and through being kind discovered what was wrong with her

-

Jody has a phone provider that gets her signal in the wilderness

-

"Claire's been doing so good, but anything connected to Kaia... she's a powder keg"

"FIRST LOVE STRIKES QUICK, AND TO LOSE IT LIKE THAT"

okay no Jody didn't shout it, but Bobo did.

ILY Bobo

I'm like 0% surprised but I am guessing other people who had been less trusting are throwing a complete party to have it textually confirmed like that. I felt like Bobo's intent especially when he went on the record in that stream AND he had been saying already that he shipped it right after Wayward Sisters, that he never ever meant to be coy about Dreamhunter, and confirming that Claire was madly in love with Kaia was a top priority on his fuck you list since he didn't get to write the show he wanted in order to work on this naturally.

-

Sam nods like fair enough, happened to me with Jess, but uh wow okay no i did not - yeah okay yeah

-

"He's not ready for this case" "maybe he needs it"

Jam jam jam jam

I mean

Yeah mature adults discussing issues together and working out how they feel about Dean rage-hunting Bad Kaia

-

hey look it's that one cabin that has been in like every episode of the show in the same way that one little stoney valley was in every episode of BBC Merlin

-

Has she lost her spear??

-

Dean, that was RUDE, you're so horrible to all these versions of Kaia

-

That zoom up on his face is one of the top 10 Dean Is Not Okay zooms of the show

-

So not like "bad cas" or "new bobby" are Dean's definitions for AU peeps - no word on what Charlie is to him, maybe because AU Charlie is a real issue for him to define as he couldn't help treating her like his Charlie.

But Bad Kaia insists that she is to Kaia what she is to me - they're joined in a different way. A way that back in Wayward Sisters was implied to be a dreamwalking connection of a very different sort, something anchoring our Kaia to the bad place and their connection was... weird.

-

"That was an accident. I was trying to kill the blonde" She's remorseful about killing Kaia but upsets them even more by reminding them that she was out for Claire instead.

How about we kill no one, bad Kaia

-

Oh no, Michael keeps sending monsters after her... Now she sounds like the original Kaia just because she's got "always more" things out for her. I suppose Michael learned of her through Dean, found her, and either wants to stop her or capture her because she has universe-crossing dreamwalking abilities, and woooow that will be useful to him.

-

NOOO SLEEPING BEAUTY DIED. THIS IS REALLY BAD. JACK COULDN'T SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE HEEEEEEEEEER

waaaaaaaaaah

Stop fuelling Nougat having an interesting dark arc about his entire self and purpose and let him just hang around the bunker and watch TV and eat nougat and be hugged. Can we not just have a son who is okay and nothing is wrong with him?

-

Oh no even the random hunter (did I really catch her name as Brunhilda or did I imagine that?) is crying at Jack crying over Sleeping Beauty dying. Cas is contractually obliged not to cry or do complicated stunts but he looks miserable too.

Oh, jack figured out the pendant?

But can they actually save Sleeping Beauty?

-

Sam as usual getting in before I can - "Break her!??!?"

don't you dare hurt Kaia any more, she's already told you what she knows, Michael hurt her, you punched her out with the same face and then threatened her a bunch. She might be a snarky monster-hunting feral woodland weirdo but she's still Kaia-like and you have a history of being completely horrible to Kaia-like girls when you're in a bad place.

-

And it turns out Dean just wants the spear that pronged him, to figure out what it did and how to hurt Michael with it. To go on his own revenge mission that he denied Jack because, guys, we are now in competition for who gets to have the angsty anti-Michael revenge mission. Jack and Dean literally competing to be most angsty about it.

Jack is being considerably more productive even if Dean solved the Kaia mystery.

But yeah. Revenge sucks you guys.

-

Dean you need to eat a snickers and take a rest.

-

smiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirk because fuck you Dean for always hurting me and the other Kaia who is probably also me.

-

Jack is being much smarter.

The smartest cookie.

Who needs powers when you are a good cookie.

-

"She wasn't cursed. This was."

GOOD COOKIE.

-

I vote Jack gets to kill Michael. Dean has lost his Michael killing rights.

-

"You're no different from him. Threats, violence, anything to get what you want." "I am nothing like him."

Hon.

"Yeah you are. And you always have been."

I don't know if Kaia knows or if she's pulling a gambit, but acting like a mystic know it all and reading Dean stone cold in a villain way sure did take some of his rage away into that good old Dean self-loathing and fear, which was one heck of a good chess move regardless of if she can magically read him or not.

No I don't think Dean is these things but Michael is a means of exploring Dean's "blunt little weapon" sort of mindset that he has suffered from because of John's upbringing all this time, and Michael emotionally mauling Dean to the point of being a non-functioning worst version of himself who threatens Kaia (AGAIN) really is an on the nose way to display the sort of trauma that Michael tore into his psyche.

-

Crap I need to go to yoga, but this is too good to rush so even though I don't have much left, I will be back for proper notes in a bit!

-

Him smash magic glowy thing with hammer

just like i told myboy to do!

Cas's hair is ridiculously spiky.

-

"What happened?"

YOU MADE NOUGAT FEEL GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED

Aww jack to an empty room

-

Sam I  have been gone for hours. How have you not tackled Dean to the floor and apologised to Bad Kaia

-

"I saw what you did to her, when you got angry. You shoved your gun in her face." To be fair, at the time Dean had also been emotionally mauled by the feels bear because Jack gave him a vision of Mary being tortured in Hell-equivalent and he was also fucked up beyond belief.

Kaias really are seeing the worst side of him all the time.

-

Bobo likes breaking Dean

-

That was enough to make Dean let go

Also to ask a really good question about how she knows!

I'm way more curious about Kaia than Dean yelling at her :P

-

Then she points out that he's angry and impatient because he's scared, like, duh, but sometimes he needs to be reminded that he can have "weak" emotions like that because he wants to be all tough and on the case and instead he's freaked out because Michael has messed him up completely. Like. Stay home. Help the boy with lore or something. Take a pyjama day.

-

Wheee full flashback!

The early evening light gives it a Bad Place colour tinge, which is awesome.

-

I can't believe Mikey shows up in his hat but not his jacket.

-

He says he's BORROWING Dean here. Hm.

-

Also, what I suspected, that he sensed her around and was just curious. Probably having a "what the fuck that's KAIA!?" from Dean inside him and being like Kaia huh? Time to chat.

-

Mikey do you literally not have your own version of that fuck off huge spear they stabbed Cas with a couple seasons ago, or do you just collect cool spears?

There's something more than usually terrifying about his face in this conversation.

And he now says there's a war coming and thinks something weird like Bad Kaia might appreciate being on his side.

Oh boy.

-

"Wild one" that's so cool

-

Michael really has some great lines for being a massive pillock

-

Omg he fight good too

-

AAH this is Kaia's memory and she's psychically implanting it in Dean's head

"Stop!" he says, clearly not enjoying watching himself beat up Bad Kaia and, like, realising exactly how awful it looks to do this when he has to watch himself from the outside and for all we know feel her pain too.

-

Of course Dean being desperate to get the spear to fight Michael could come across with a blur of ambiguity of Michael being desperate still to have it, whether to stop Kaia using it or because he just really wanted it and doesn't like being told no.

The concept that Michael just disappeared from Dean still lingers.

-

So many fights with a whole bunch of people this season. Maybe just because there's so many friggin characters

-

"Now you're in trouble" *Bad Kaia literally leaps through a window to avoid dealing with this* I love her

-

NICE STAB

thanks for saving Jody

-

Well that was quick

Also you're badass and terrifying and I think Claire might fall in love with you too >.>

-

"I'm used to it" Oh babe.

She literally raised herself in a terrifying doomy forest so

I mean at least this world has dry crackers and beans. SCORE

-

Jody has got a LOT of thinking to do about how to phrase any of this to Claire.

"So there's a feral Kaia living in the woods outside of town"

-

Awww Sam offering her a lift to the hospital

Bobo wants us to remember 9x06 and Dean having to tend Cas's broken hand maybe

-

Sam. Hug her right now. RIGHT NOW.

-

Nope Jody just looks really tormented

-

She's in a reverse Jack position - one mom to 3 hunters instead of one kid to 3 hunters :P

-

Hey look it is Jack and one of his fathers.

"Jules is off!" Hey look Sleeping Beauty was called Jules. Nerdylittleshit doesn't read these notes however so she will never know that I decided this character was named after her :P

-

Cas apologises for not being there for Jack, because it took this long to realise he's the father who's always at work while others have taken the stereotypically maternal role to Jack, Cas just gets to be the cool strong father who is usually dead, captured or just busy saving people and too busy for Jack as a result.

-

"It's okay," Jack says, sounding considerably more emotionally balanced about it than he had in 14x01 when everyone was neglecting him

-

"Today you PROVED that you have the mind of a hunter. And the heart of a hunter" Raised by the best, bitches!

-

Awwww Cas wants to be a hunter with Jack! They can get a terrible car and hit the road and do an easy case and bond as they go and eat crappy food at diners and

Jack develops Nephilim Flu in response to having a nice moment with a father because he's so unused to being treated with full attention.

-

Cas: *squints*

-

"Must be getting my first cold!"

I have a cold too Jack! Awww!!

-

Cas is going to make him some soup. This is too sweet. I don't even have words for any of this it's just gross. My teeth hurt.

-

Jack I swear to god if you stopped your revenge quest and it hurt you so bad inside you're about to cough up a lung I am going to LA to kick the writers' asses in person so if you dare be even the slightest bit consumptive

-

Oh thank god the scene changed before he coughed blood into his hand

-

Awww and then Dean admits Sam was right, while still being the one driving on the way back.

I wonder if they filmed these side by side. "Dean slow down" "Sam you were right"

-

"What Michael used me for" Ouch, hearing him say it like that... Sad sad thoughts.

He just wanted to skip ahead and have it all done because revenge makes you feel SO much better.

-

"Dean... you did what you had to do" Okay it's even worse hearing someone else justify it rather than hearing that phrase come out of someone's mouth. At least when they say it about themselves they're just in a bad place. I don't even know if this is a pavlovian response I'm having but really flipping it around to have Sam say it is a validation - Sam certainly thinks things are better off with a dead Lucifer and would have a favourable bias, because it got the job done and whatever Mikey is up to at least it's not Lucifer doing it. Because even if Lucifer were doing the exact same things it would just be intangibly but clearly worse.

-

"It wasn't a blink, being possessed."

Dean says to Sam, who has been possessed by an angel twice and when it was Gadreel, for almost as long as Dean was Michaeled

-

Dean's so freaked out because fighting the drowning sense of being possessed was so horrifying and made him feel so weak and useless and he didn't even win that fight, Michael just bailed and let him have it back. With the "I own you" hovering over him.

It certainly reeks of being haunted by a bad relationship. The sense the nasty abusive ex hovering around outside the place you work every night...

-

"And it's all on me, man" No it isn't, he got through because Lucifer told him how.

-

Well I mean if you wanna go cosmic consequences, yeah it is because Billie done told you not to go universe hopping and that's several billion dominoes you messed around with doing exactly that

-

But despite how I spent all of season 13 SHRIEKING at you not to do it while knowing full well you did, and how this is technically your cosmic hubris for doing that, I also don't actually blame you on a personal level, Dean. Just, like, so you know once I get back to the shrieking. Because ow you are very sad and in pain and if Nougat wasn't coming down with Nephilim Flu in the other scenes I'd basically rank you No 1 for wrapping in blankets and feeding soup.

-

You're still in the top 10. Jodi had a pretty bad day too :P

-

Oh COME ON JACK

*starts packing my bags for the ass kicking*

-

Aww Jack to an empty room

-

Um EXCUSE ME HOW MANY CONSUMPTIVE TISSUES HAVE YOU GONE THROUGH?

GO FIND YOUR FATHER RIGHT NOW

-

HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THIS FOR THREE WEEKS?

Well no wonder you've been in a panic to get Michael killed.

SHEESH.

Dean's back and he's gonna kick your ass because he remembers when Sam did this in the Trials and he is very very anti consumptive family members.

[deans-baby-momma]

Life Without You-After Michael

A/N: The first of my three Valentine’s Day Drabbles/non-drabbles. LOL   This part is 100% from the reader’s P.O.V. Or at least that’s how I hope it comes off as. Enjoy!

Sam made it his priority to keep me unseen by Michael. Which was no problem anyway as he seemed more interested in torturing the hunters living in the bunker than seeking out his vessel's girlfriend.

I stayed hidden in one of the only empty rooms left since we had saved the Apocalypse world people and brought them here. The room was mostly bare, save for a bed and a chest of drawers. Sam had Maggie bring me a set of sheets and a blanket seeing as how no one knew how long Michael would be running amok.

I had to beg the young female hunter to go into mine and Dean's room to get me some different clothing. She wanted to respect our privacy, which was sweet, but I didn't want to be stuck in the same outfit for days.I didn’t know how long I would be hiding out, keep myself and my child safe from the archangel possessing its father.

One week. Seven days I stayed hidden. Michael terrorized the bunker for a few days before turning bored and deciding to go out and create an army. Or so that is what they told me when Sam finally deemed it safe enough for me to return to society. I was grateful for the extra lengths he had taken to keep me and his niece or nephew safe but being cut off from everyone had definitely not been fun. Everyone was working on finding a way to track Michael when Sam got a lead and him, Mary and Bobby took off to follow it. I wished them all luck and promised to return to hiding if, for some reason this was a decoy to lure the more experienced hunters away so Michael could come in and brainwash the newer generation.

When they returned, it had been quiet on the homefront. Sam had called ahead to let me know that they had found Dean. Not Michael, Dean! Apparently the archangel hadn’t been able to convert anyone and gave up. No one knew where he was and to be honest, I couldn’t care less. I was getting Dean back!

I was a myriad of emotions, waiting for their return. Of course I was still pissed as hell at Dean for saying yes and letting Michael take over, I was anxious to see him though...it had been forever since I had been able to look into his loving green eyes and I was worried! Worried that he would be upset about the baby growing inside me. This life wasn’t the type of life to raise a baby in and it hadn’t been like we were even trying but hey, things happen, right? When I heard the bunker door open I was undecided on what to do. Do I meet them at the bottom of the stairs? Do I sit here hiding the very obvious bump I was sporting behind the table in the library? If I had any inclination on how Dean was going to take the news of the impending arrival of our child I would know exactly what to do.  I resolved to just stay where I was and hopefully be able to break the news to him slowly.

That went right out the window when Dean came rushing into the library, straight to me and pulled me up out of the chair and into his arms. “Oh my god! I have missed you so much,” he cried into my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around his neck and held tightly, relishing in the feel of being in his embrace once again. I had missed it more than I realized. Dean stilled and I knew then that he felt it; felt the barrier keeping our bodies from being flushed. He pulled away and looked at me before glancing down. “You’re pregnant?” he asked. I couldn’t determine if it was a happy tone in his voice, a wistful one or if he was just completely repulsed by the fact.

“Uh, yea. Due in about 15 weeks.”

“You’re having my baby?” he asked, a smile gracing his face. Oh thank god!

“I am. I was going to tell you once we defeated Lucifer, but--”

“But I said Yes and disappeared. Oh my god! Babe I am so fucking sorry. I didn’t know!”

“I know,” I whispered as I lay my palm against his cheek. “I know.”

He smiles again and then pulls me to him, kissing me softly but passionately. When Sam clears his throat to alert us to other in the room, we break apart looking sheepishly.

“Come on, babe. I need to change out of this monkey suit and cuddle with you,” Dean says, taking my hand and leading me down the hallway.

Sam walks up behind us, heading to his own room. Dean looks back at his brother and shutters.

“Would you please shave now? It’s just every time I think about it, you know. It's like a nightmare. I mean I can’t eat, I can’t sleep - it’s always just there watching me."

I wonder briefly what he is talking about until I hear Sam sigh and say, "Dean, it’s just a beard. I’ve been a little busy lately."

Dean doesn't let up though. He just keeps on, stopping in the middle of the hallway to continue his teasing. "Yeah well that’s not an excuse, cos you know Duck Dynasty called and they want it all back."

Sam is quick on the rebuttal, saying, "Some people say I look good." He straightens his stance and stiffen his shoulder.

"No Sam. No people say that."

I slap Dean's chest and look at Sam. "Hey! I think it looks nice. Very dignified."

Dean rolls his eyes and mutters "Traitor" and gives me a wink when I look at him.

Once in our bedroom, I sit on the bed and watch as Dean looks around, almost as if he is re-memorizing all the little aspects of our lives that he missed.

“Soooo?” I ask, not sure how to go about asking him if he is truly him and if he is actually okay.

“So, I don’t know. Michael bailed. I don’t know why and don’t know how: he just cleared out. Now as far as my memory goes, I mean everything from the second I said yes to the moment I walked through those doors is a blank. So, I’m good. I’m just really, really, happy to be home. Back with you. I missed you so much. I thought about you constantly.”

“I missed you too Dean,” I said trying to fight back a sob. “I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. I had already adapted to the fact that I’d be raising this one alone. I’m so glad I don’t have to now.” I said smiling through the tears.  “Mary has been a godsend, so helpful and teaching me things I never knew about pregnancy and after the baby is born. Speaking of her, where is she and Bobby?”

“They stayed back in Duluth to clean up--” he pauses, looking for the correct phrase. “-the situation. And speaking of cleaning up. I need a freaking shower. I don’t know what all that douche had me doing but I feel defiled! We’ll cuddle and you can tell me all about our child after?” I  nod as I watch him pull out his regular jeans and a flannel and head off to the bathroom. Dean is back and happy about the baby! I lay back on the pillows to wait for him.

Finding the scar on his right upper bicep was a big surprise. Apparently something, somewhere had fought the archangel and whatever weapon they used was strong enough to injure his vessel beyond repair! So instead of staying to ourselves and cuddling, enjoying talking about the baby, we were now in the library with Sam, Cas and Jack. I sit beside Dean, holding his left hand as they all study the wound.

"Cas I’m going to need you to get in my head, do the whole Vulcan mind meld thing because if I can’t remember what happened I’m going to need you to drag it out of me, ok? " Dean tells them.

"Wait a second, you sure about this? " Sam, the ever present pessimist of the group asks. I can tell he is just worried about his brother and what having Castiel dig into his memories of his possession could lead to.

"Yeah, I can handle it." Dean squeezes me hand and looks up at his brother.   

Cas stands behind us and looks conflicted. "Dean," he begins and it sounds almost like he is going to try to talk Dean out of doing this. But he knows, as well as I do, this needs to happen. We need to know what caused that injury on his arm.

"Cas, c’mon hit me, " Dean demands.

Cas sighs as he places his hands on each side of Dean's head  and closes his eyes. He then places one on the scar and I watch as his eyes move back and forth behind his lids.

"Dean, who was that?" Cas asks as he takes his hand away, quickly.

It was determined that whatever the weapon was, it was a large sword with two large, thick prongs; like a big meat fork and wielded by a being from another dimension. Sam goes to call Jody and I listen in as they tell her Dean is back and then ask about the Bad Place, the other world they had traveled to trying to find Mary and ultimately killed Kaia, the one who had opened the portal. Jody tells them that she's heard nothing but that she has victims on her desk with the same injuries.  Sam and Dean decided quickly that they were going to Sioux Falls to help Jody figure out what is going on; how whatever that being was how it got to this world and why it was attacking people.

Once again, I stayed back at the Bunker. Which truthfully, I didn't mind a bit. I was used to it, I liked it. Being able to be there if and when they needed information from one of the many lore books in the library or just a friendly voice to hear when the case was running long and difficult. I was worried about Dean going up against the one person who obviously had it out for him, or at least Michael. Would they pause long enough to see that the archangel was no longer in control should they meet up? Would I get Dean back just to lose him all over again? I busied myself with helping Cas and Jack deal with the young girl who one of the hunters had saved on a witch hunt.

We ultimately save the girl from the hex and the hunters who found her takes her back to her mother. When Sam and Dean get back they have even more questions than they had before they left. But Dean….Dean is bound and determined to hole up in our room with snacks and a marathon of cheesy horror flicks. He pulls me away from the crowd and we lay on the bed and veg out, watching villains take out their vengeance on their prey. We are on our third slasher flick when Sam enters. He has his ipad in his hand and looks uptight and on edge. Dean takes his eyes off the screen and is shocked to see that Sam has indeed finally shaved. The older Winchester mentions it and Sam acquiesces. 

“Yes I shaved,” he says with a roll of his eyes.

“I mean, it’s so smooth. It’s like a dolphin’s belly,” Dean says and I can’t help but giggle earning us both a signature Sam Winchester bitchface. Sam pulls up the desk chair and sits down.

"Well I hate to disturb your marathon, but I think I found us a case."

Dean asks nonchalantly, "More Michael monsters?"

"No, killer toy." That gets both of our attention. Dean sits up and looks at his brother.

"What kind of toy?".

After watching the video Dean seems amused and interested."Thundercats? Seriously?"

"Yeah. But I mean, you’ve got your pizza, your girl, at least eight more of these movies so I’ll just leave you to it and I’ll get one of the other guys…"

Dean jumps up off the bed. "Oh, hell no, hell no. No, Panthro, that’s mine!" Then he looks back at me apologetically. "Sorry baby. I got to go check this out. We'll finish when I get back?"

I nod and watch as he follows Sam out of the room, asking a million questions. I sigh and get up, clearing the bed of empty wrappers and what is left of the pizza we had been munching on.

Dean was on an all-time high when they returned from Ohio; he had went up against and defeated one of his most favorite bad guys, the Hatchet Man. He came rushing into the bedroom where I was with a goofy smile on his face and made me lay beside him while he told me all about it. From dodging flying chainsaws  to battling the ghost possessing a David Yeager life-size figurine.”I killed Hatchet Man, babe. Like kill-killed him! Dead. By. My. Hands!”

I giggle at his enthusiasm and then he jumps up off the bed suddenly. “Come on, babe. Let’s go out. Get dressed. I’m taking you out tonight.”

Dean took me a nice romantic restaurant where we enjoyed the food, each other’s company and talked about the baby. Although he was anxious and apprehensive about bringing a baby into this fucked up world we live in, he was enthusiastic about adding another Winchester to our lives. When we were finished eating, before he went to pay, Dean Winchester fully and thoroughly surprised me when he got down on one knee in the middle of the restaurant and took my hand in his. “You have been my only light in this dark world for so long and I don’t know what I would do without you. We have helped each other through the good times and the bad. You have been beside me every step of the way. And now, we are adding another to the mix. The love between us has given new meaning to the saying breath of life. You and this baby are the most important people to me and I don’t want to be apart from you ever again. Will you marry me?”

And if anyone asks, I was so totally not a crying, bumbling mess as I said the only word that question deserved.

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[somyasees-blog]

Woah, We're Halfway there

                                              *50/100*

                        Woah, we're halfway there

                           Woah, livin' on a prayer

                Take my hand, we'll make it I swear

                          Woah, livin' on a prayer

I am done with one of my exams, sort of. I had my exam on 9th June, wasn’t sure how it went, the competition is so fierce that even if I did fine in the paper I just have that feeling that obviously, it’s not gonna be me, out so many people why would I be the one who gets thought as I do not deserve it because I didn’t work hard enough for it. But in fact, I worked hard enough, more than I have before so why don’t I deserve it as much as anyone else?

And these thoughts are after when I have already once cleared a written paper, and the competition was equally if not more intense, but didn’t get through the interview which automatically means it was by chance or luck... that one time by mistake.

I remember since I became horribly bad at scoring marks in school, and as per usual when I used to study last minute and realize that it’s not possible for me to complete this gigantic syllabus in one day. I used to panic and then waste more time by talking/planning with God. I prayed intensely for the apocalypse to befall upon humankind; I mean we have been waiting for that for so long already why not before this stupid exam will save everyone the trouble?

And Ok, it's ok God if we don’t want to kill everyone then just scare these stupid people who want to conduct exams by some earthquake or a storm that will somehow destroy all the question papers, a fire maybe or a flood with no harm done to people but just stop this exam from happening?

Ok, ok okkkk!!! last option. Break my leg or hand or something so I don’t have to give this paper? No one’s hurt and I have a good enough reason to not give the paper?

But eventually, I will give the paper, God this is you stalling for me once I have time because of all these events I would be so prepared and definitely get a 100/100 score, no doubt about it.

I am not even kidding, this is exactly how I felt about giving exams just a few years ago.

Well, I guess someone might have been feeling this way and God listened. As the paper, I gave on 9th got cancelled. It has been rescheduled and I am not sure how to feel about it; I don’t know how my paper went so maybe It's finally my chance to prove to God that If you would have stalled for me, I would have definitely performed better.

I didn’t write even after the paper because I was so anxious about the result. I didn’t want to use my brain for anything as I would have thought “You ain’t gonna get through, you do not deserve it as you have made all the wrong choices as usual and If you would have given a little more efforts, you wouldn’t be in this situation” If I can’t have positive thoughts, I try to distract myself enough to not have negative thoughts at least.

Why are my idea of success and hard work so flawed? Is it because of the stupid TV shows and movies I watched? Maybe no one is to be blamed but me, but I don’t know how I am so far off from reality with such things. I believe in happily ever after, as in If I get this one thing, it will settle my life, no issues no more. I am aware that is not how things work, but still, this illogical hope exists? Why though? What is reinforcing this thought process? Never has this illogical hope, the magical fairy doing things for me sort of thinking ever worked out. Yet I always feel that some miracle will take place in my life and change everything for me.

Now, what can I do if these things surrounded me as a child? I saw son pari doing magic for this girl and solving all her problems. “Mera Secret hai magic pencil” No Thanks Sanju I even got that pencil, and I tried drawing stuff that never came to life, your secret was a lie. Then came Jadoo, I knew my jadoo will come someday and enhance my brain power give me dope muscles and make me pretty. Well, he stood me up.  I never got my letter from Hogwarts. No Chemical-X was ever dropped on me.

A spider did bit me once, and it gave me invisibility, I was very small so I am not sure how true or clear this memory is but apparently a spider bite me or took a shit on my face (I am saying shit cause the kids around me used to say that this thing on my face looks like shit so maybe the spider took a shit on my face and I forgot to wash it off). That area turned red for some time and then it got so ugly, big and brown I was basically nonexistent to my family and friends.

Teachers used to love me and during assemblies, if any event had to happen I was always leading it, but then this superpower came along and teachers totally forgot about me, didn’t even look at me.

Luckily I lost that superpower.

Anyway, I will treat this exam being rescheduled as a sign from the universe that this is your chance, now you have all the extra time you always wanted, so better use it.

I have been anxious but not depressed and that’s progress. I have started loving songs again, feeling and emotions apart from sadness are more prominent and visible. 50 days done 50 more to go.

[kikaiz]

If you don’t understand why there’s so many dislikes and uproar about Nintendo’s online service that’s launching tomorrow, let me just provide ya’ll a list, because I feel terrible for the majority of folks that don’t know. And no, this isn’t about the price, it’s about what we’re paying for.

Disclaimer: Let me know if any of this information is wrong with evidence, and I’ll update the info. Everything will be under the Read More so that misinformation doesn’t spread and because frankly, it’s long. 

The overall comparisons!

Note: There is a bit of bias here because I am angry and because I don’t care about NES games. Also not everything I’ve listed are things I care about but I know would bother someone out there so they’re in this list. Also here’s the links for the American and Japanese trailers if you’re curious how the dislike ratio has become since this post.

**Price per year**

❎ $60 (Xbox) 🅿️ $60 (PlayStation) 🆘 $20 (Switch Online Service)

**Servers**

❎ Dedicated server 🅿️ Dedicated server 🆘 Peer to Peer WiFi (your own internet server)

**Online and Party Chat**

❎ Need service to play online however, you don’t need it to access apps and services. Membership required for Party chat (thru the system itself). 🅿️ Need service to play online however, you don’t need it to access apps and services or Party chat (thru the system itself). Members also gain a few extra features, including automatic downloads of game updates, early access to some betas, and extended game trials of certain titles. Allows you to share one subscription with all users of the console. 🆘 Need service to play online. Splatoon becomes unplayable offline. No apps available (Netflix, YouTube, browser). Requires smart phone and app in order to Party chat. No Netflix, YouTube, or browser. No themes or messaging.

**Cloud Saves**

❎ Cloud saving for all games as well as free usb transfers. Cloud is also available Free to Everyone and not just paying members. 🅿️ Cloud saving for all games as well as free usb transfers. Unsubscribed members cloud saves are kept for a 6 month grace period. 🆘 Cloud saves for games except Splatoon 2 and Pokémon. No way to back up data otherwise, despite SD card saving being available on Wii, Wii U, and 3DS. Edit: One week after the service launched, we finally got information that there is indeed a 6 month grace period for your cloud saves if you’ve unsubscribed. (Technically 1 year, 6 months, 22 days for this information if we’re counting from when the switch launched.)

**Free Games**

❎ 2 free Xbox one games and 2 Xbox 360 games every month, all new triple A quality. If you unsubscribe, you’ll lose access to these games. However if you resub, you will have access to them and their saves again. Xbox 360 games can be kept regardless of subbing. (Note: xbox 1 is backwards compatible that’s why I’m listing Xbox 360 info) 🅿️ 2 free new triple A games every month. If you unsubscribe, you’ll lose access to these games. However if you resub, you will have access to them and their saves again. 🆘 20 NES games. That’s it. Just these twenty 33 year old games with “more to come”. However they will cycle. When 20 new ones come the old 20 are gone and you do not own them. If you are away from wifi for 7 days (whether that be a storm or a vacation), you cannot play the NES games you paid for. Edit: The co op plays with friends seems seamless and fun for games I don’t plan on playing. WARNING: Do not use the CRT filter on the NES games because they’ll have a temporary “burn in” effect on your switch screen due to how the pixels vibrate. This eventually goes away on its own over time (and not by turning on and off your system) but I wouldn’t chance it, personally.

**Game Discounts or Special Offers**

❎ Many discounts for members but there are a few sales for non members too. 🅿️ The store regularly has discounts for everyone. However members may get a better deal. If a game is 60% off for a regular, it could be 80% off for a member. 🆘 So far the only special offers are NES controllers (only available if you’re a member of the Online service. This means you’ll be paying $80 total) and exclusive sports gear for Splatoon 2.

**Other Info**  🆘

https://www.polygon.com/2018/9/13/17855056/nintendo-switch-online-launch-user-accounts-unlink-how-to

A personal rant from a Splatoon fan! 🦑🐙

When I’d heard about the online being mandatory for Splatoon 2, I was saddened but I understood, especially under the assumption that I would be paying for servers to run to improve disconnectivity drops. I had no problems with just that. And the price was affordable for me to boot.

Then I learned that I cannot back up my save data. I heard about 3rd party docks bricking switches and losing saves, of people who’s switches were stolen at E3′s and losing their saves.

Then I learned that Splatoon 2′s saves aren’t tied to the account or to Nintendo but to each individual switch itself. 

Then I found out cloud saves will not work on Splatoon 2 and upcoming Pokemon games “to prevent cheating”. So not only can I not back up by SD card like we have been for the last 12 years, but I can’t save my 700+ hours of Splatoon at all. All to prevent save scumming... despite there already being plenty of Splatoon hackers already that do a lot worse than save scumming. And there are solutions to these problems so that cloud saving is possible for every game!

I just can’t protect my Splatoon 2 data... Not all the weapons I’ve bought, every outfit I’ve bought and leveled up, not my ranks. The only game I would actually care about losing my progress cannot be backed up.

Then I found out I’m not even paying for a better server. It’s going to continue to be peer to peer using our own wifi.

I do not play other online games. Sure some games I would love to play with friends like minecraft and dragon quest builders 2 and pokemon, but I can live without it since local multiplayer is still free. Splatoon however becomes unplayable offline. You cannot even go to the store to buy new outfits. The only part of Splatoon I could play offline are the single player mode and DLC but I’ve already 100% those.

The Splatoon series is my favorite... It’s the first time a game made me feel good about myself and my aim and actually made me improve myself irl. I don’t mind paying for online if I’m actually going to get something out of it. It’s been over a year of delaying this online and they haven’t changed anything for me. 

I’ll probably cave in the end... I just love Splatoon so much and I want to play all the new updates and keep getting better. But for now, I’ll try to boycott for as long as possible, maybe use my 1 free week trial for the October splatfest if it’s spooky. But until then, I hope people who will boycott with me will return to Splatoon 1 until Nintendo adds something. I don’t expect this boycott or our message to get to Nintendo in the end. I think there are already too many people blinded by the cheap price and lack of information and upcoming Smash game. I don’t want to pay for something like this. 

What would make me feel better about this service:

I just want to know that I won’t lose my Splatoon progress if my switch gets damaged or stolen. 

I want confirmation that my Splatoon progress is tied to my account not my system. 

I also think Cloud Saves in general should be free for all if there’s no other way to backup saves. (I would say give us SD card backups but I don’t believe games like Splatoon and Pokemon should have those because that’s local save scumming and we don’t want that.) Right now, Nintendo is the only ones charging us to protect our saves. 

I want a word from Nintendo that servers will improve in the future, otherwise Peer to Peer should be free and dedicated servers should be paid for. I know for sure that hardcore Smash players would pay for dedicated servers. 

Personally, I don’t mind about NES (because I won’t play them) or the phone app (splatnet2 is great and I can just keep using discord or like the actual phone). HOWEVER, I really really need a real way to block/ban players in splatoon 2 in-game and not using the App, (as well as a way to Un-yeah a post in the lobby from accidental clicks but that’s more a splatoon problem than a phone problem.)

Sure what I asked for is taking out all the good stuff from the Online service but imagine this. Imagine if Switch Online actually had things worth paying for. Imagine your themes and browser apps and mutual best friend messaging. Imagine games other than NES coming to that service they’re providing eventually. Imagine bigger sales available on eshop that notifies you when games on your wishlist are on sale. It’s so cheap many more people would buy and keep a subscription without all this controversy. It’s taken them a year to pull this off and they’ve got nothing for it. Why? Because they know people will pay for it anyway. 

I want to be wrong about all this, trust me. At the very least, Nintendo is at fault for making about 18k people really really upset and anxious with poor communication.

FAQ

“You knew you were going to have to pay for a service so you shouldn’t have bought a multiplayer game like Splatoon.”

I was under the impression for over a year with no other info that I would be paying for dedicated servers along with the Online.

“Stop complaining, this was a really long free trial and you knew that.”

Yep! And they kept delaying it. And delaying it. And delaying it. So I think we were all assuming Nintendo had a big surprise they were delaying all this for to make it worth the wait. It’s not.

“It’s $20 a year, that’s way cheaper than the competition. Of course it’s not going to have a lot of offers.”

Yes, I agree! But for me this is less than what I expected and trust me I was not expecting much. This is less than the basics.

“So you bought a $300 switch, $60 game, $20 DLC, and $70 pro controller but you can’t pay $20 a year? Sure.”

I want to pay $20 a year for a service not a hostage situation. Sorry if I seem upset about having a gun to my head.

“The Wii U was a failure. Nintendo needs the money. Do you want them to go bankrupt?”

Don’t sympathize with billion dollar companies like they have feelings. We have problem of treating large companies like people instead of money producing companies, especially if there’s nostalgia attached. “Don’t be mean to Nintendo, they’re having a rough time.” The sooner more people realize this, the better. And no they’re not in need of money. They have $10.5 billion in the bank. For some perspective that’s 35 million switches. For further perspective if just one second was a dollar, that’s 333 years. They’re fine.

“Why are you making such a big deal out of this?”

Because I want Nintendo to succeed. I don’t want them to have EA levels of controversy. I don’t want them to worm their way to EA levels of anti-consumerism. We already have loot boxes in a free mobile game. And now the free online we’ve had for 12 years is under a paywall. I’m not mad about either of these. I just don’t want it to get any worse than that. I don’t want Nintendo to think they can get away with the bare minimum just because “they’ll buy it anyway.” Nintendo has been making great leaps forward with the switch but things like this severely set them back.

[leaves-of-three]

How do you write Connor so well? Could you share some writing tips?

That’s really sweet of you to say. Honestly, it’s just me trying to pick up on every little thing we actually know about Connor and filling in my own interpretations of what they mean. We really don’t know that much about Connor. He’s only in the beginning of the play then throughout you get little snippets of his life from other characters…but it’s not that much to go off of. Even then, it’s how they saw him which can we a warped version of what he actually was. When I’m writing him, I try not to focus on Evan’s Connor because he’s only a projection of Evan’s own self. It’s important to remember that he’s not Connor. He’s Evan. That’s Evan’s mind talking to him using Connor’s face but it’s not Connor himself. He’s not a ghost coming back to talk to this random kid he’s interacted with once or twice. He’s 100% Evan’s mind projecting.

So then you have to focus on what you actually know about him. I’m gonna dissect it because I literally love analyzing characters it’s my favorite thing in the entire world. You didn’t ask for this but I’m doing it anyway yolo (im sorry).

The first time we meet Connor is at the breakfast scene. What do we know about that scene?:

Connor doesn’t want to go to school.

It is the very first day of his senior year. Not many people skip the very first day of school. It’s supposed to be a fairly easy, chill, exciting day to most people. Getting to know your teachers, seeing friends, catching up with people, not much work etc. I’m going off of my own school experience to analyze this bit: Skipping/Not wanting to go/Having anxiety over going doesn’t mean you’re lazy and don’t like work. It generally means that you feel uncomfortable, anxious, lonely, scared about having to navigate the world of school and your peers. Connor doesn’t have friends. Going to school, sitting in class, doing group projects, eating lunch, doing anything in school alone and without friends is fucking hard. It’s awful.  It’s not a surprise he doesn’t want to go.

Connor is high.

Judging from typical school days, it’s probably somewhere between 6 - 7 in the morning. That’s early. That’s someone who wakes up and immediate gets high. AND it’s the first day of school. That’s someone who needs something to help them cope just to get through the day. He needs something to help him take the edge off of life because doing it without anything is a daunting thought.

Cynthia also says “I don’t want you going to school high Connor. We’ve talked about this.” Which implies that this a fairly regular thing for him.

Connor reacts negatively when Zoe speaks but ignores Larry.  

Okay so I love this bit because my psychology loving self adores this kind of shit. It’s amazing and beautifully done and asdlhfal;ksd

After Cynthia tries to get Larry involved with making sure Connor goes to school. Larry says, “What do you want me to do? He doesn’t listen. Look at him. He’s probably high.” Connor stays quiet. Then Zoe confirms Larry’s statement and says, “He’s definitely high.” And Connor responds with a “Fuck you!”

Every time Larry speaks Connor stays quiet. His body language in the scene involves Connor resting his arm on the side of his head and, by doing so, is putting some sort of physical barrier between his facial expressions and his dad sitting next to him.

If I recall correctly, I don’t think Connor ever once actually speaks to his dad??? Larry talks at him but Connor never responds. No words are ever spoken from him to Larry. (I think, I could be wrong)

SO the point here is that Connor doesn’t say shit when Larry is nagging at him but the second Zoe opens her mouth to do the same he immediately responds with a big “fuck you” and puts his head down on the table.

The way I analyze that scene is that the fuck you was really meant for Larry, that he was pissed off at his father, but he took it out on Zoe. He redirected his anger onto his sister because it’s a lot easier to take advantage of a younger sibling then the head of your household.

Judging from how Zoe speaks about him later in the play, he probably redirected a lot of his anger onto her and it really messed her up.

Him not speaking up to Larry could also mean that Connor is potentially afraid of him?

The second time we see Connor is at school with Jared and Evan:

Connor cares what people think about him and he’s bullied. 

Jared says, “Hey Connor. Loving the new hair length. Very school shooter chic.” Connor responds by staring at him with this perplexed look of wtf dude seriously. He was just nagged at home, forced to go to school when he’s clearly uncomfortable about doing that, and then he gets there only to be antagonized by Jared who pretty much refers to him as someone who slaughters innocent people.

His ‘wtf dude’ look is totally justified in my opinion.  

Jared then says that he was just kidding and that it was a joke. To which Connor replies with “Yeah no it was funny. I’m laughing can’t you tell.” His tone starts out light and sarcastic. When Jared doesn’t respond, he steps closer to him and voice raises. “Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” He’s clearly offended by what Jared said.

Jared calls him a freak and walks away.

He gets bullied by Jared so he turns around and becomes the bully to Evan.

Like he did with Zoe, Connor redirects his pain onto people he know won’t fight back or who he views as weaker than him.

Evan nervous laughs when he’s left alone with Connor. Connor can probably see that Evan is scared of him and uses that to his advantage. He says the whole, “What the fuck are you laughing at? Stop fucking laughing at me?”” Stop laughing at me. Not laughing at what Jared said. But specifically laughing at Connor himself. Connor doesn’t want people laughing at him because he cares what they think about him. “You think I’m the freak? I’m not the freak. You’re the fucking freak.” He yells at Evan and pushes him to the ground.

People have all obviously analyzed all these scenes before. I’m not close to the first one to say it, but obviously, these are words he wishes he could say to Jared and Evan is the surrogate for his rage.

And finally we have the very last scene that Connor is in which is the computer lab scene:

Connor is apologetic after he loses his temper.

He sees Evan, who has clearly been crying. I think it’s unknown how long Connor was actually in the room with him/if he overheard the phone call with Evan’s mom. I’m assuming that Evan wasn’t actually speaking out loud when he was writing his letter, that it was more for the audience to know what he was writing. So if Connor had been in the room and listening, he could have heard Evan’s side of the phone call and seen him quietly crying on his laptop while writing something then print it out. Since he was near the printer, he took the paper to give to him. He didn’t have to do that. He wanted to.

I think he wanted an excuse to talk to Evan again after he pushed him. He probably felt bad. I feel like he views Evan as someone who’s harmless and unintimidating, which is why it was easy for him to channel his anger onto, but then he started to regret that choice, so he tried to reach out.

He never actually apologizes with words and instead tries to do it through actions. I bet you that Larry does the exact same thing too but Connor probably never realized or picked up on it. (I could do a full character study on Larry too omg he’s a great specimen to take apart and a fantastically flawed character like everyone else in the show its beautiful fuck)

He’s got a dark sense of humor.

When finding out Evan broke his arm from falling out of a tree, he replies with a “That’s the saddest fucking thing I ever heard.” But he doesn’t say it in a mean way. He smiles and laughs under his breath.

HE WAS TELLING A JOKE. He was trying his best to be nice to Evan and lightly joke around with him but I doubt they have similar styles of humor. I think it’s the only time Connor actually genuinely smiles too??

And Evan doesn’t really laugh. It’s more of a nervous “plz don’t hurt me again ur a lil scary” kinda laugh. So Connor backs off and changes the subject.

He’s observant.

He notices that no one signed Evan’s cast. 

He noticed that Evan has no friends hence the “now we can both pretend we have friends” line. 

He noticed Evan’s sad and alone so he’s making an effort to be nice to him. 

He noticed that he printed a piece of paper and that it would be a good ice breaker. 

He’s quiet and he notices things. It’s subtle but it’s there. I bet you Connor secretly knows everything about everyone. 

The boy just wants a damn friend. 

He’s lonely. Evan’s clearly lonely. Why not try to befriend him?

He’s signs his cast super big so it takes up the whole arm. For one, it gets a laugh out of the audience. But two, he kinda knows that no one else will sign it so he makes his name extra big so everyone will see and know that both of them aren’t alone/friendless.

This is also interesting to me because I wonder if Connor knew he was going to kill himself then. Often times suicide is something people plan out ahead of time. I wonder if he knew what he was going to do and I wonder if writing that on Evan’s arm was a secret way for him to leave something semi permanent behind. A way to be sure that someone would remember him when he’s gone. If that’s the case then that was some powerful shit to slip in and it hurts my soul.

He’s angry and paranoid and suicidal.

So obviously Connor reads Evan note to himself, thinks it’s about him, freaks out and leaves. That’s the last time we see Connor.

I’ve looked at this scene in a few different ways. The first way I see it is that Connor could of had symptoms of paranoia. He sees his sister’s name and his first thought is that Evan did this in a malicious manor. He views people as out to get him. It doesn’t take much to set him off. He’s got a lot of anger inside of him that he doesn’t know how to release in a healthy way so it ends up with him blowing up over the slightest little bumps in the road.

The second way I view it is a little different. If I’m thinking about my point before (about him already having plans to kill himself) then I wonder if he was just using the paper as an excuse to get angry and leave. He had already made his mark using Evan’s cast. His name was there. He technically didn’t need Evan anymore. Thus he “freaks out” over this paper and it helps fuel his desires to end his own life. As someone who has been suicidal in the past, I understand wanting to find every excuse you can to help end things, to justify what you’re doing, and to push people away. It’s a super fucked up way of thinking but, when you put yourself into that mindset, I don’t think it’s that crazy of an idea.

“Is this about my sister? You wrote this because you knew I’d find it.” (Hinting at the paranoia point) “Yeah you, uh, saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab.” (Mentally trying to convince himself to believe that Evan did this on purpose, even though it goes against everything he already knows about Evan) “So I could read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out, right?” (here comes the anger) “Then you could tell everybody that I’m crazy! Right?! Fuck you!” (cue the storm off)

And then we hear from Evan that Connor hasn’t been in school for three days.

And eventually we find out why.

From everything that Connor, himself, has told us he’s deeply hurting. He’s quiet. Observant. He’s got many unchecked mental health issues. He doesn’t feel heard. He’s lonely. He uses coping methods to get by. He has little to no self worth. He carries around a lot of guilt. He acts out on people he know won’t fight him back. Probably because he needs to feel superior because everywhere else in his life he feels stepped on. He is both a bully and bullied. He had little regard for strong authority aka Larry. He craves personal connections but doesn’t know how to obtain them or keep them. He’s broken. So that’s how I try my best to write him.

THEN we have what everyone else tells us about Connor. This should all be taken with a grain of salt because everyone views people differently but their words shouldn’t be totally disregarded either. (Yes I’m going to go on longer even though you never asked for this I’M SORRY I CAN’T STOP NOW) So let’s see what little Connor character traits we can find out from other people that could be potentially used for writing him in the future.

The scene during For Forever tells a lot of about Connor through his family:

Zoe: Connor wasn’t very nice so that makes sense.

Cynthia: Connor was…a complicated person.

Zoe: No. Connor was a bad person. There’s a difference.

In response to finding out Connor pushed Evan. Zoe is shown to have no sympathy for her brother’s actions while Cynthia continues to make excuses for him. I see that as Connor having no mercy on his sister but probably playing his mom to his advantage with what he knew he could get away with.  

Cynthia: Did Connor tell you about the Harris’? We used to go skiing together, our families.

Zoe: Connor hated skiing.

Not a sports, activity kinda guy. Doesn’t like things involving social gatherings. Not friendly.

Larry: Somebody had to be the bad guy.

In response to reading Connor’s emails. This one is a little iffy in regards to Connor’s character. It’s more a Larry thing. Because I don’t know if Connor was actually aware that his emails were read or not but either way it shows that he was completely not trusted by his family. Also that pointing out again that Cynthia was probably a push over when it came to Connor and he knew that.

Cynthia: We used to go to the orchard all the time. We;d do picnics there. Remember that Zoe?

Zoe: Yeah I do.

Cynthia: You and Connor had that little toy plane that you would fly. [to Larry, with sad laughter] Until you flew it into the creek.

Larry: No that was an emergency landing.

This is big. Things weren’t always hell in the Murphy house. There were good memories. Sadly though good memories are often overshadowed by the bad ones. Connor seemed to cast a huge shadow over this family. But it is important to note that Connor and Zoe used to play together as children. Things. Aren’t. Always. Awful. Connor wasn’t a reckless beast. He can be written to be playful and funny and sarcastic and sweet. Just balance it out with the angst. People are complicated and have tons of depth so try to write them that way if you can.

Other things said at random points throughout the play…

Jared:

“Connor Murphy is batshit out of his mind. Remember when he threw a printer at Mrs. G in second grade because he didn’t get to be the line leader that day? 

Connor has had anger issues since he was a child too.

Alana: 

“Still can’t believe the terrible news about @ connormurphy. I wouldn’t say that we were friends exactly. More like acquaintances. We were in chemistry together. I’m pretty sure. Also he was in my English class in 10th grade. Almost positive. Yeah he was definitely in my English class. Three days ago Connor Murphy was here and now hes gone. If Connor meant something to you please retweet or private message me if you just wanna talk. At time like thees we could all use a friend.”

Honestly, this says way more about Alana’s character but it still mentions Connor so I’m adding it.

But what I do get from this was the Connor has/had a twitter (or some form of social media, but I’m assuming twitter since the “retweet” bit) and Alana followed him on it?

“He was one of my closest acquaintances. He was my lab partner in Chemistry and we presented on Huck Fin together in 10th grade. He was so funny. Instead of calling it, well, Huck Fin…[fades off]. Nobody else in our class thought of that.”

Again, speaks more to Alana’s character than Connors. But I also wonder if this is actually true or if she made this up in a similar fashion to Evan in order to put herself in the story…since she didn’t even recall if he was in those classes or not earlier.

BUT assuming that this was true, Connor doesn’t seem to care much for school. Or he could have been trying to make jokes in order to gain friends. If he worked with Alana on projects, her personality would have steam rolled over his. I think she would be the type of person he would sit back and let take control and tell him what to do then just go along with it.

Zoe: 

“Just because Connor isn’t here, trying to punch through my door, screaming that he’s going to kill me for no reason, that doesn’t mean that all of a sudden we’re the fucking Brady Bunch.” 

I mean…yikes.

“After all you put me through. Don’t say it wasn’t true. That you were not the monster that I knew”

 This shit just breaks my damn heart. You are not the monster that I knew is one of my favorite lines in the entire play. In Zoe’s story, Connor is the villain. He hurt her. He abused her. And no one did anything about it to protect her or stop him. I haven’t really had a chance to write too much of Zoe into my writings yet but I know that if/when I do, Connor is not going to be a kind character to her.

Larry: 

“We didn’t think Connor had any friends.” 

All they found with Connor was Evan’s letter. I wonder how many times he reread it, if at all, before he died. Do you think he calmed down and looked at it again through a different light? This time maybe seeing how depressed and unhappy Evan was too? I wonder if he found comfort in that at all and that’s why it was still in his pocket. Of course that’s purely speculation on my part. He could have just shoved it in there and forgot it was there. That’s the beautiful thing about this play, there’s a lot that the viewer can piece together and take away on their own. Things are never fed to you. They present them simply and let you take what you need from it.

Anyway, yeah, Connor had no friends. That point was already kinda clear though.

“I gave you the world. You threw it away.” 

Connor grew up in a well off family. They were rich. He literally could of had anything he wanted but he didn’t. I take that as Connor not giving a shit about material items. He probably has little regard for things. You could write that as him throwing and breaking near by items if he’s mad or simply tossing things around and not caring abobut them. Whereas someone who grew up poor, would be more likely to take care of their things because they know they can’t just get more.

“I didn’t realize Connor meant this much to people.” 

In his father’s eyes, Connor didn’t mean very much. He was probably able to pick up on that and it would affect his attitude and behavior to other people. If he felt he didn’t mean much to his own father, then why would he ever be special to anyone else?

“He left it in the bag with the tags still on.”

Larry’s weak attempt at reaching out to his son with a baseball glove. It was probably obvious to everyone that Connor was not a sports person. He probably hated baseball. But Larry likes it so he tried to force his hobbies onto Connor. It was received by Connor not even opening the gift. From Connor’s perspective, he could have taken that as a ‘wow my father knows literally nothing about me wtf’ where as Larry would have viewed that differently but this is not about Larry asd;kfja

“Your dad must feel pretty lucky to have a son like you.” 

Another great line in this play! It hurts my soul. Connor is a disappointment to his father. Larry wished Connor could have been something more than he was. Once again, this shit would weigh on Connor’s mind and fuck him up.

Cynthia: 

“I don’t remember the last time I heard him laugh.” 

That shit is dark yo. Connor doesn’t laugh around his family. He’s unhappy there.

“Connor didn’t get invited to any bar mitzvahs” [paraphrasing that quote]

Cynthia always had hope for Connor. I like to imagine Connor not being as nasty to his mother than everyone in the family. She really loved him and I hope he could feel that deep down.

And, of course, Evan: 

“Over the summer I found this yearbook thing that our class made in 8th grade. Most people did collages of their friends. But Connor’s was a list of his ten favorite books.”

One of my favorite bits I like to write into stories is that Connor liked to read. For a middle school kid to have ten favorite books, and care enough about them to put them into a yearbook, is kinda of special. Books are methods of escapism to many people and I like to think Connor is included in that group. 

OKAY IM GOING TO STOP THIS IS SO LONG I AM SO SORRY THIS WAS NOT THE RESPONSE YOU WERE LOOKING FOR I WROTE YOU A DUMB CHARACTER STUDY INSTEAD. THIS IS ALL HOW I SEE CONNOR SO IT’S HOW I TRY TO WRITE HIM YOU COULD SEE HIM SUPER DIFFERENTLY AND WRITE HIM DIFFERENTLY THATS WHAT IS SO GREAT ABOUT WRITING

[diaryofbunnie]

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on here. A lot has happened. I don’t know where to start..

Mom, My stepdad, and my youngest sister came up for Thanksgiving. They brought Titty (their boy cat) with them. It was really nice. Sadly they left late that night. We found Salem dead (he had been missing for about 10 or more days) that night. Then I chipped one of my teeth bitting into a piece of ham. Needless to say, it was a good day but a bad night. I missed them so much when they left. Hell.. I always miss them. I miss my family more than anything right now.

On another note, I’m feeling more jealous and such. It’s weird. Dante is talking to his female friend most of the days. It’s nothing between them sexual. It’s about random stuff and their old rp characters. I don’t like it, but Dante says I should be fine with it and that my anxiety medicine helps me be less jealous. ... it doesn’t. I’m just able to hide it a little more and control myself a bit more. If that makes sense. ... the best way to say it is I can rationalize with myself what they talk about more when I’m on my medicine. However, I really don’t like it still. I feel as though my feelings about it are pushed aside. That they don’t matter. Yes they stopped talking about their rp characters sexual stuff together. But I’m still not comfortable with it. It kills me sometimes how he will be sitting there smiling and or laughing and all happy when messaging her. Then he looks up at me to say something and that smile just disappears. Now, don’t get me wrong.. there are a lot of times when me and him joke and laugh and have a great time. I’m also not comfortable with him talking to another woman from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep most days.. We have talked about it a few times. He always just seems so annoyed when I mention her and just brushes off my feelings about it that it seems like there is no point at all in even bringing it up. It’s not all him. I could continue to let him know in detail how all of this effects me, but I don’t. I don’t let him know that it feels like he is brushing off my feelings. I’m working on being better about this. I’m also trying to get better at the jealousy thing, and make more jokes so I’m comfortable with it more. Due to this he is not really in the wrong because once he brushes off my feelings (I’m 100% sure he doesn’t realize that’s what he’s doing, and he’s not meaning to do that) I just stop it there. I don’t mention it again for a while. I trust him 100% I just don’t trust her. I would like to think if she mentions the type of stuff I’m uncomfortable with he just steers the conversation from it. I’m certain he would do that. He truly is a great guy, just he’s oblivious sometimes to those types of things..

Just a lot of stupid junk going on. Christmas was bad. I hate to admit it but it was bad. Partly good. Had good parts in it. But I was really sick. We don’t have money so bad time for presents. Dante did get me amazing gifts and I’m really happy with what he managed to find me in the short time spand and small amount of money I had to loan him (I owed him money anyways so it evened out as me paying him back in my eyes) however we had good food. But my family wasn’t able to come.. I miss them so much. I wanted them to surprise me and be here. I wished it and wanted it with everything in me. However it wasn’t able to happen, and that’s okay. Not everything will work out perfectly, and it’s okay.

I miss my grandma so much.. I never knew what life would be like without her in it.. well to put it short.. it sucks. It sucks so fucking much. I wanna cry every time I see a damn snowman. I wanna just bawl my eyes out all day. I have finally started accepting she passed away and I am just dying on the inside. I wanna scream and shout and cry. I wanna die at times just so I can be with her. She is my best friend ever. The only person who fully understood me. And I feel ever so guilty for not being able to see her more and moving up here. I feel absolutely horrible. I’m disgusted with myself. I can’t even stand the thought. I’m a horrible person. I’m horrible. How could she be okay with that? How could anyone be okay with that? I hate myself for not being able to go see her. And I wanted to see her so bad. It was all I wanted. It truly was. I just couldn’t make it happen. And I regret it. I regret it so much. I regret not begging any family member to drive three hours here to get me then three hours back just so I could see her. I regret not trying to give out any amount of the little money I had to try to go see her. To bribe someone to take me. I can’t live with these thoughts. I can’t. I really really can’t. I now can only see her in my dreams.. it’s amazing though when I do see her there.. I was told it means they are visiting you. She must visit me a lot.. which I am very thankful for. Because she deserved much better of a granddaughter. I could’ve done so much better. And I wanna try and make it up to her but there isn’t any way I can. So I try to spend time with her in my dreams. No one around me knows I feel like this. I just keep saying I miss her but they don’t know how this missing her is eating away at me. And I just wanna scream and cry all the time because it’s not fair what happened to her. She tried so hard to fight cancer twice and everything she did for people. She did not deserve to die like that.

On top of this stuff there are horrible money issues.. ahaha.. I can never get away from money issues in life. Since day one there has been money issues in my life and it seems like there always will be. I don’t want this. I want dante to go out and Uber or something to make some extra money. I wanna beg him to do this. I’m stressed beyond reason thinking of how all these bills will be paid. My paycheck will only probably be $400 on the first of January.. then I’ll get another check on the 14th of January.. and I need $12,000 pretty much for January bills.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.. I’m really depressed about all of this.. I’m super anxious and stressed. Sometimes I think if I wasn’t alive it would be better for everyone.. but I know it wouldn’t.. I couldn’t do that to people, and I’m terrified of what the afterlife holds.. so I don’t do anything.. but I’m trying to get better at this, and understanding the causes of these thoughts so I can work on getting better.

Well.. it’s 1:23am now. I have to get up at 7:30am-ish to get up for work. Oh! I got a new job! That’s a story for another night. I’ll talk to you again a different day.. hopefully I won’t be gone for so long! Thank you for listening to all these rambles I’ve had tonight over the past few hours of my on and off typing.

[mizalsayf]

Foreign Letters - Chapter Two

~MASTERLIST~  

Summary: Denny continues to read the letters as June gives him more memoirs and reveals her inner conflicts.

Word Count: 2472

A/N: Sooo, Chapter Two of pure suffering and sadness coming your way. Let me know if you like it and leave feedback!  

Warnings: angst (obviously)

Tagging: @jeffreyfuckingdeanmorgan , @jdms-network and no one since nobody told me they wanted to be tagged.

Let me know if you want to be tagged!

(gif originally posted by @jdm-negan-mcnaughty )

Time will take us all but I can’t let her go.

Denny stared at the last three words of the letter he was currently holding, “giggles and delight.” He let a small smile grace his lips as tears fell onto the paper, creating some darker spots. He hugged the letter close to his fresh scar, somehow hoping that the door would open and she walks in.  

He wanted to hear her delighted giggles and jokes one last time. Feel her touch, her small, fragile body pressed against his. But he knew that wasn’t going to happen. And that thought killed him more and more as he reminded himself of it.

Shaking his head and tearing his thoughts away from the hope of ever seeing her again, he put the letter on his lap and picked up the letter with the number two on it.

This time, he didn’t hesitate and decided to open the letter, knowing that reliving the happy memories and conversations would not ease the pain but, at least, help to remind him of her as a person.

He ripped the envelope open and took out two papers, one a normal white, the other a slight yellowish tint. Denny recognized the page in an instant and took a closer look at it to confirm his suspicions.

It was a page of her favorite book, “The Old Man and The Sea” by Ernest Hemmingway. A chuckle escaped his mouth at the remembrance they shared through this tiny book. Denny breathed in the familiar scent the book held, the worn-out paper rough against his fingertips.

He put the page down and laid the necklace he received in the first letter down on it, careful so it doesn’t slip from his lap. Although, he knew what she wanted to tell him with said page, he was still unsure whether he wanted to confirm it. He had never read the book but June raved about it so much, he was sure he could tell the story without any problems.

His gaze fell back on the snow-white paper which held another message of hers in it. He took a deep breath, in through his nostrils and out through his mouth, holding his tears back.

—

I bet you recognised the page, right? Sure, you did, I couldn’t shut up about it. Sometimes I wondered how you put up with my rambles and still seemed so interested anytime we’d discuss about it.  

I remember our very first conversation about it like it was yesterday and it was honestly one of the best and most relieving talks I’ve had since arriving in the hospital.

—

June exited her hospital room, closing the white, heavy door behind her while guiding her I.V pole along with her. She looked around, politely greeting the nurses and doctors that passed her.

She arrived at Denny’s station faster than she expected and slowed her pace down, nerves already crashing her thoughts like tsunami waves. A few of the nurses that helped Denny the previous day passed her, their faces lighting up when they spotted the purple headscarf.

The old lady breezed past June, scaring her and almost knocking her over. She recognized her in an instant and stopped her steps, smiling apologetically at June, “I’m sorry, dear, I didn’t notice you immediately. Are you here to visit Denny?”

June’s pale face flushed a bright red, her gaze falling on the hospital walls and equipment, “Uhhh, yes. We, I, uhm, decided to get to know each other I guess?” She sheepishly smiled, scratching her arm in a nervous gesture.

The older woman began to laugh and touched June’s shoulder, “No need to be nervous. Denny couldn’t shut up about you throughout my whole shift yesterday. Just, keep in mind that he’s bed bound for the next few days.” She winked at her, giving her a soft pat on the shoulder and walking towards another room, disappearing behind the door.

June nodded despite that the nurse couldn’t see her anymore. She took a deep breath, smoothing her clothes out as if that would make her look any better and decided to go for it.

—

Denny’s head snapped up from the newspaper he currently held in his hands as a soft knock echoed through his room. He waited a couple of seconds, not saying anything and furrowed his brows when no one entered, “Come in!” He called out and that’s when a click was heard, the door slowly opening.

A dimpled smile spread on his face when he saw a purple scarf and picked up the sounds of squeaking wheels. A slightly anxious looking June closed the door behind her and stood in the middle of the room.

“Hello June! How are you?” Denny cut the awkward silence short, her green eyes staring back into his own. He saw her posture relax and a genuine smile gracing her lips.

“Hi Denny.” She breathed, “I’m fine and how about you? I heard you’re bedbound again.” Her comment coaxed a chuckle out of his throat as he averted his gaze elsewhere and June took a seat in the armchair beside the bed.

“Yeah yeah, I’m better now. You just caught me off guard yesterday.” He defended while he felt his skin heat up and he fumbled with the newspaper. He tensed up as he felt June’s small hand cover his own. He let his gaze travel upwards, slowing down when it landed on her.  

Denny noticed her leaning forward with a reassuring smile, “I know that you’re just as nervous as I am but relax a bit, okay? Let’s get to know each other.” Denny nodded in response, immediately relaxing at her soft touch and caring voice.

He had no idea what it was about her that put him under a spell. Maybe it was the way she carried herself or the way she could make anything and anybody smile with a simple gesture. But what he knew was that she somehow already started to brighten up his day, make him forget that he could die at any given moment.

“Okay, can I ask you a few things?” Denny asked, a feeling of delight spreading within him when she gave an enthusiastic nod, “So, you’re obviously from England, where exactly and why are you in the States?”

June weighed out her answer for a few seconds. Should she be 100% honest from the beginning and just go for it or be cautious and not reveal too much yet. Her head screamed at her to stand up and get out of here.  

He was only pitying you. You’re going to die soon anyway, why hurt more people than you already are? Get out of this situation, he deserves to live a happy life and that’s something he could find without you. Don’t give him an extra amount of problems and things to worry about, he has more than enough on his own.

Tears sprang to June’s eyes but she was quick to wipe them away with the sleeve of her hoodie. She focused back on Denny and saw him waiting for an answer, not noticing the conflict in her.

Or he noticed and simply doesn’t care? Her head suggested. But June decided to ignore him for now and focus on getting to know Denny better.

“I was born in Eastbourne, that’s like an hour or so away from London and right by the sea.” She started off, reveling in the memories of her hometown. “As to why I decided to move overseas, there was nothing holding me there anymore.” Truthfully, she missed everything in England but it was filled with bad experiences and represented some of the worst moments in her life. She didn’t want to visit those places again, she didn’t care to.

Denny’s smiling face was covered by a worried expression, knowing she wasn’t telling him everything. He didn’t expect her to but he was curious and wanted to know everything from her best to her worst memories. An internal conflict started unfolding in his mind, not sure if he should press the matter or just leave it be. He didn’t want to come across as rude or too nosy.

“Why the worried look?” June chuckled, trying to lighten up the mood but to no avail. The tension in her shoulders returned and the gremlin in her head was currently rubbing its hands, delighted that there was no one she could hurt but herself.

“I’m sorry.” Denny apologized, his hands starting to tremble a bit, “I didn’t mean to invade your privacy like that, it was just… I’m really curious about you and your life. I want to get to know you better.” He whispered the last part more to himself, but she heard him loud and clear as there was no noise in the whole room.

June’s eyebrows shot up, surprised that he was quite the contrary of what she originally thought he’d be. Curious, intrigued and, most importantly, genuine. Her inner gremlin retreated back into his hole while mumbling, “Don’t say I didn’t warn you. If he hurts you, I’m not going to do anything. You only have yourself to blame.”

“Oh no, you don’t have to apologize.” She waved her hands around in a rejecting gesture, trying to wave his doubting thoughts out of his head, “The truth is, I’m not used to opening up to someone, I keep to myself most of the time but I don’t mean any harm by it. It’s just the way I am since I was like twenty-one.” Admitting her difficulty about opening up and being open and honest about it felt brilliant, like a thousand pounds lifted off her shoulders.

Denny stared back at her, his mouth agape in awe at her honesty and the way she easily identified the problem. He felt himself falling into the depths of something he could not yet identify and wasn’t ready to take it that far yet.

“Okay, let’s just be completely honest with each other from now on, does that sound like a good plan?” Denny suggested, his gaze filled with hope and curiosity.

June nodded in agreement and leaned back into the chair, crossing her legs. She noted that his vision as no longer fixed on hers but on the small bag that hung on her I.V pole, “What’s in there?” He nodded his head toward the white bag for emphasis.

She went to open the plastic bag and took out a small, thin book. Its cover looked well used as did the corners of the book. She stretched her arm out, handing Denny the book. He gripped the book and inspected it, “It’s my favorite book of all time, it’s “The Old Man And The Sea” by Ernest Hemmingway. I have read it more than I care to remember and it was always a book I could rely on to make me a bit nostalgic, sad but happy at the same time. It’s brilliant.“

Denny’s deep brown eyes wandered from the book onto June as she started rambling about the book and it sent a big grin on his face. Her eyes sparkled and her body language was much more open and readable. He sensed the passion radiating off her, her excited smile and the aura around her changed too. It was like magic.

They then spent the rest of the day talking about the positives in their lives rather than the bad. They both soon noticed that it was getting dark outside and that June had to go back into her own room to eat dinner and get her daily medications.

June stood up, shaking her legs as they had fallen asleep and felt a bit weak after sitting and talking for hours. They exchanged a smile as she stepped closer to his bed, sitting down on the edge. She took his cold hands into her much warmer ones and squeezed them, "Thank you for today Denny. I had a lot of fun and finally got to relax for a bit. It means a lot to me.”

Denny brought one of his hands to his lips and kissed her knuckles, his eyes never leaving her own. She let out a small giggle as her cheeks blushed in a deep red. He let go of her hand and sent a wink her way, striking a pose that he still got his charm.

June wanted to stand up but something held her back, causing her to hesitate. She bit her lower lip, the gremlin already sticking its head out of its hole. But June pushed him back inside again and leaned forward, locking her arms around his neck in order to embrace him.

Denny tensed up at her sudden embrace but recovered rather fast and relaxed, hugging her back. He took a deep breath as he wanted to imprint her smell in his memory and never forget it. He almost let out a whine when they parted but was able to control his wants and needs.

She gripped her pole and wheeled it to the door, gripping its handle. “See you tomorrow.” She called over her shoulder and left the room, leaving Denny with his thoughts and a goofy grin.

—

At the end of the day, that book was the one thing we had to distract ourselves from the negativity surrounding us. And, for once, I was glad that I had that stupid plastic bag hanging on my I.V.  

But I never got to tell you what the book meant to me from that day on. Its entire meaning changed in a matter of a couple hours.

In the book, on the eighty-fifth day of the fisherman’s unlucky streak, he was pulled away by the line he was holding onto to catch a gigantic fish, which was his only hope and dream. He struggled against the fish for three days before he was finally able to kill him. When he swam back towards land, he was attacked by a flock of sharks that got attracted by the blood of the dead fish he had. The sharks kept eating away his catch, finally having devoured all of it and with it the fisherman’s hopes and dreams.

And I somewhat felt the same way. I felt like after my diagnosis, my hopes and dreams were gone. I wasn’t afraid of dying but I was afraid of dying with regrets. But then I bumped into you and I, for once, felt like I had a piece of my hope and dreams back.

But, my inner conflicts and demons began to eat you away from me, they didn’t want me to get close to anybody anymore since I was dying. But, unlike the fisherman, I managed to hold onto my only hope, you, and allow you to get close to me. I felt whole again, like I had something worth living for, for the rest of my days.  

I knew I was going to die without regrets.

[ladyslounge-blog-blog]

If you're bored, you're boring

Dear Jennifer June, I follow you on Instagram, Facebook and twitter. You seem so down to earth and fun, even now, during this global disaster. I don't know how you do it! Sorry for writing about something so depressing, I'm sure you have more interesting things to do than read this, but I'm having a hard time coping with this whole Corona Virus thing and you're basically my idol and there's nobody's advice I would cherish more than yours at a time like this. It's hard enough living alone in this 3 story house, with nobody to talk to but my extraordinarily independent, mute, non-shedding, hypoallergenic cat, and nothing to do but play my baby grand piano, cook in my Wolfgang Puck inspired kitchen, and watch the plants in the solarium grow, without having to try to make sense of all the contradicting political and public service announcements on the news - on top of it all. How do you stay so grounded and levelheaded during this crisis? Anxious and alone, with nobody to share any of my wine with, Samantha P.S. I love your hair like that. You’re so pretty. Dear Samantha, Thank you so much for following me, and for your very kind words. I know that times like these can be very trying for anyone, and I honestly can't imagine how hard it must be for you to have all that empty quiet space to occupy all by yourself. The solarium alone sounds dreadful. I don't know if they will be of any use to you but here are 10 of the tools that have kept me calm, reflective and mentally grounded over the last few weeks. Regular exercise - At least 4 times a week (weight training, cardio, stretching etc.) Ritual - meditation, prayer, lighting candles, manifesting and projecting feelings of love and positivity for others, iChing, vision cards, visualizing acts of kindness etc... Weekly check-ins with a fabulous therapist who reminds me to honour all of my feelings and be true to myself. Minimum of 90 minutes daily gentle hand-picking of individual cat hairs out of every single inch of fabric/carpet/my body that I can find. Poking my lettuce seedlings with a chopstick several times a day to "check" if they're growing. Robert Mondavi Private Selection Cabernet Sauvignon Bourbon Barrels Sartori Valpolicella Superiore True Zin Puglia Boisseaux-Estivant Réserve de la Chèvre Noire Bourgogne Santa Julia Biologique Cabernet-Sauvignon Mendoza Hope this helps!  JJC Dear Jennifer June, I've been to pretty much every single show you've ever done, and I love how funny you are. Everything you say on stage is so relatable even though you're obviously cooler, smarter and prettier than me. I got 3 cats and 1 dog because of you and I named them Phoebe, Flo, Willow and Nina, just like yours! But not in a creepy way. Anyway, enough about me, but not really because I'm writing to you about me, because this quarantine vibe has me so down, I can't take it anymore. Ugh, Montreal is supposed to be the city of lights, or the city that never sleeps or whatever but I'm so lonely and bored, I literally almost thought about inviting my pharmacy delivery guy in for a drink yesterday when he came to deliver my topical rash ointment. You post the coolest stories on IG and you seem to be actually having fun. What do you do all day? How are you not dying of boredom right now? PS Prescription guy - cute a f Bored Becky  Dear Bored Becky,  Thank you so much for the kind words. I'm so glad you enjoy the shows. I'll be honest with you Becky; I have never once been bored in my adult life. I am actually fortunate enough to be able to work from home at the moment. I also have many projects on the go at all times.   I love spending time with my family, listening to music, reading, and cooking. I also try to truly  savour the rare moments that I get to just sit back and relax, whether it's in an Epsom salt bath, in a pile of blankets and cats (hair) on the sofa, or in a pool of my own nap drool /cry-orgasm-tears at the foot of the basement stairs. I think that first, it's important for you to ask yourself, are you truly bored? Or are you feeling something else. Possibly, what you're feeling is avoidant. Maybe you're trying to procrastinate.   Perhaps you're simply paralyzed with terror because the whole world has the fucking plague and people are smashing into each other in the streets like a swarm of contagious germ feast zombies. Or maybe you're truly bored, Becky. And if you are.... Well, I don't want to be the jerk who says "If you're bored, you're boring" but I am, and it's true. Seriously Becky, there are 22 different species of squirrel (in Canada) to post photographs of on Instagram, 165 shows on Netflix, over 100 knitting stitches you can learn, 19054 different red wines at the SAQ, millions of bananas that have not yet been baked into loaves of bread, and 64 editions of Guinness World Records, compiling thousands of really fun, super safe feats for you attempt to break, from the comfort of your own home, including heaviest weight lifted by human beard, most apples crushed with the bicep and longest fingernails grown by a woman. Hope this helps! JJC Dear Jen, First: You’re hilarious and I LOVE your dog. Second: I have a never-ending to-do list that I always say I don't have enough time to tackle. Thanks to the global pandemic, I am currently unemployed and under quarantine, which means that I have all the time in the world. I don't know why, but for some reason, I can't seem to get my shit together and do any of the things on my list. I basically just scroll through Instagram, watch television, drink wine and bake cookies. I feel so lazy, I'm even embarrassed to be sending this to you. I mean, I know that this kind of life changing event is enough to cause anybody trauma and make them feel creatively blocked, if not paralyzed. And I get that I should try to be self-compassionate and realistic about what I my limitations are under these times of great stress, but I can't help but feel a little bit guilty for not being able to do more. Is there something wrong with me? Shauna Dear Shauna, I think it's super important to remember that despite all the extra time you might have on your hands, it can be difficult to find inspiration for anyone right now. The fear of the unknown, being inundated with a storm of anxiety-inducing news and so much contradicting information that leaves us entirely confused as to whether to go for walks or not go for walks, wear masks or not wear masks, stay 6 feet from people or 6 meters from people etc... It's a lot and can be really demotivating and even completely draining. That having been said... Get off the damn sofa and do the shit on your god damn list. If months go by and you come out of this with nothing done but 15 new pounds gained on your lazy ass, you're going to fucking hate yourself. Study your damn Italian, post the dumplings on your vegan web site and do those stupid stair push-ups every stupid day or you will keep crying every time you can't do more than 10 of them. Oh! And write your book already!!! You have time to send 86 memes back and forth with your kids and post pictures of squirrels on Instagram every single day, sew 4 pairs of pyjamas, bake cookies you don't want to eat, watch every single episode of Game of Thrones in under 2 weeks, set up a photography corner in the basement that you don't use, and try all 19054 different red wines they sell at the SAQ, meditate, pray, light candles, manifest and project feelings of love and positivity for others, throw the iChing, pull vision cards, and visualize acts of kindness, and write not 1, not 2, but 3 drippy whiney love songs that you'll never let anybody hear because they're "not funny", "not done", and "not good enough", but you can't write a single chapter for your book? Are you kidding me right now? Jen seriously! Get it the fuck together. Hope this helps! PS My dog smells like rotting Doritos. JJC   Read the full article