collectivefandomstuff

[collectivefandomstuff]

[on patrol]

Red Robin: [sitting on a rooftop, drinking hot cocoa]

Red Hood: [lands next to him and sits down, pulling out a sandwich]

Red Robin: [holds out a thermos] want some cocoa?

Red Hood: [takes the thermos] yeah, thanks. [offers his sandwich] Want a bite? I baked the bread

Red Robin: hell yes

Red Hood: quiet night tonight

Red Robin: [humms in agreement]

Red Robin and Red Hood: [watches the skyline in silence]

[Nightwing, covered in a slimy substance, flies past them through the air as though he’s been catapulted from a great distance]

Red Hood:

Red Robin:

Red Hood: do you think he saw us?

Red Robin: I don’t think so

Red Hood:

Red Robin:

Red Hood: we can’t all be fighting Ivy, there wouldn’t be anyone left to fight the other criminals

Red Robin: that’s a sound argument. Say while we were helping him someone robbed the mayor, then where would we be?

Red Hood: he definitely came from over by the library, that’s way outside both our routes

Red Robin: so we agree that we wouldn’t be doing our job if we left our post to help with whatever that goop was

Red Hood: definitely

Red Robin: the mayor will thank us

Red Hood:

Red Robin: [sips his cocoa]

Red Hood: cards on the table- I already robbed the mayor earlier tonight

[collectivefandomstuff]

[mid-argument]

Clark: listen Bruce, I don’t doubt that you’ve done your best raising your kids but you haven’t really given them a clear set of morals beyond the “no killing” rule

Bruce: [annoyed] Dick, come over here and tell Clark that I’ve always taught you to be honest and kind

Dick: Bruce has always told me that honesty is the best policy. And that it’s important to treat people like you want to be treated

Clark: [pleasantly surprised] really?

Bruce: I’ve always had a clear set of rules in place for my children. Frankly, I’m insulted that you would think otherwise

-years earlier-

Bruce: There are two rules in this house that are absolute

Dick Grayson: [9 years old] ok

Bruce: one; no killing

Bruce: two; always lie to Clark if I tell you to

[collectivefandomstuff]

Poison Ivy: Batman. [sighs] I’m guessing you’ve come to stop me from lacing the city’s water supplies with my latest creation?

Batman: [glares]

Poison Ivy: [crosses her arms] even more quiet than usual tonight

Batman: [glare intensifies]

Poison Ivy: [awkwardly] Sooo…

Nightwing: [from behind her] Robin jinxed him

Poison Ivy: [startles]

Poison Ivy: wait… jinx as in…

Nightwing: as in he can’t speak until someone says his name

Nightwing: which of course isn’t allowed while he’s wearing the cape and all

Poison Ivy: so you’re going with him to speak for him?

Nightwing: what? No

Nightwing: my wi-fi is down

Nightwing: I’m desperate for entertainment

[collectivefandomstuff]

[in the batcave]

Bruce: [checking off names on a clipboard like a middle-school class trip chaperone] …Jason, Kate, and Duke. That’s everyone. [checks the list again] where’s Tim? It’s unusual for him to be late.

Everyone: [looks around in confusion]

Bruce: [sighs] someone call him

Babs: already calling

[tense silence as the phone rings]

Tim: [on speaker phone] yeah?

Bruce: [immediately] we have a meeting scheduled. Where are you?

Dick: [leans forward towards the phone] are you ok?

Tim: [on speaker phone] shit. Look, I don’t think I’ll be able to make it

Bruce: [tiredly] why not?

Tim: [on speakerphone] uhm… it’s kind of hard to explain

Kate: [smirking] are you on a date?

—in another part of town-

Tim: [glancing to his left where Bernard is watching an abandoned storefront through binoculars, waiting for Batman to emerge from the hideout Bernard concluded must be on this street from an algorithm he made up]

Tim: I-

Tim: I’m not really sure

[collectivefandomstuff]

Babysitting

-

Jason: [grabs Damian by the shirt and pulls him along] come on demon you’re hanging out with me this weekend

Damian: -tt- I don’t hang out

Jason: well you’re gonna learn. C’mon we’ll play grand theft auto

Dick: [from the kitchen as they’re leaving] You better not play that video game with him Jason! He’s too young!

Jason: [rolls his eyes] yeah yeah…

-later-

Jason: [leaning against a Lamborghini] what was that game Dick was talking about anyway?

Damian: [in the front seat, hotwiring the car] do I look like Drake to you? I don’t play video games.

[collectivefandomstuff]

Catwoman: [flirting while wearing a backpack full of stolen art] always a pleasure to see you Batman

Batman: I know you robbed the exhibit. Put it back

Catwoman: [pretends to think it over] you know… I don’t think I will.

Batman: fine. Just one thing before you go.

Batman: [steps aside to show Robin (Dick Grayson), 8 years old] this is Robin

Batman: he’s been asking me to go to the exhibit since it opened but I haven’t had the time

Batman: I finally had some time off this weekend, so we were going to attend on Saturday.

Batman: he hasn’t spoken of anything else all week.

Robin: [blinks sadly]

Catwoman:

Batman:

Catwoman: [wavering] I’m not going to just-

Robin: [in a watery voice] it was all I wanted for my birthday

Catwoman: [throws her hands up] FINE I’LL PUT IT BACK

[collectivefandomstuff]

Jason: why do I have to be the bad guy?

Tim: if you were trying to be something else I have some questions about your decision-making process

😒🤗

[collectivefandomstuff]

Title: Night at the (National History) Museum Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27235228 Type: Fanfic Status: Complete. Chapter: 1/1. Fandom: DC/Batman Rating: T Warnings: Crude language (cursewords, including the c word). Beta: No beta we die like Jason Todd Pairings: None. Word Count: 7k+ Genre: Humour/Comedy Characters: Tim Drake, Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Bruce Wayne, Damian Wayne. Summary: Tim finds himself having, once again, been dragged into the social event of the season. As he slowly dies of boredom and the physical exertion of not rolling his eyes, he bumps into his fellow prisoners brothers and they decide to do something about Bruce’s tendency to trick them into going to these things. Excerpt:

“We could call in a bomb threat?” “That’s imaginative.” “Ok, then we get paintball guns and go to town.” “Also unhelpful.” “No, wait! That’s actually a good idea!” “Really Dick? You don’t think people are going to ask questions if the Waynes start literally hunting socialites for sport?”

Keep reading

[collectivefandomstuff]

Tonight’s Guest Speaker (part 1): Bruce Wayne

Bruce: hello…

Bruce: [squints at his cue cards]

Bruce: members of the…

Bruce: [squints harder and holds the cards further from himself]

Bruce: agricultural…

Bruce:

Bruce:

Bruce: Hellness… sobriety…

Dick: [loudly from the back of the room] Just admit you need glasses!

Bruce: [angry squinting] I’m honoured to receive your award for… outlandish archiving… in the field of…

Bruce:

Bruce: [entirely without conviction] suspenseful flamingos.

[collectivefandomstuff]

Lex Luthor: I don’t do business with Gotham criminals

Black Mask: why not?

Lex Luthor: you regularly have your operations shut down by a 10-year old. And one without superpowers at that. I can’t have that level of incompetence in my organisation.

Black Mask:

Black Mask: I feel like you’ve never met this particular 10-year old.

[collectivefandomstuff]

Batman: [arms crossed] explain yourself

Robin (Dick Grayson): first off, that switch had a faulty label and there was no way for me to know that flipping it would-

-time skip-

Robin (Jason Todd): -make the vat of hollandaise sauce explode, I mean who even puts a-

-time skip-

Robin (Tim Drake): -mutant jellyfish in a shopping mall?! I had to do something. So maybe I stole a truck to transport the baking soda but-

-time skip-

Robin (Stephanie Brown): -what did you want me to do? Sit back and watch you get your legs chewed off by an alien life form? And before you say anything I know that it was just Mrs Sands’ Schnauzer but at the time I really thought-

-time skip-

Robin (Damian Wayne): -that the waitress was sent to poison you. My actions were justified.

-

Signal: how come Cass never took up the Robin mantle?

Batman: [without hesitation] she’s not annoying enough to be Robin

[collectivefandomstuff]

A Gotham crook: [bleeding from a leg wound] I’m dying!

Red Hood: can you do it faster? I have an appointment

Spoiler: eating donuts and watching downtown abbey isn’t an appointment

Red Hood: it is if I have it in my calendar

Spoiler: a napkin from some dingy bar isn’t a calendar

The crook: [incensed] you’re just gonna let me bleed out?! I thought you were the good guys!!

Red Hood and Spoiler: [turn to look at Red Robin, who is tapping away on a digital planner]

Red Robin: [without looking up] ‘tis but a flesh wound

The Crook: ohmygod you’re the worst I’m telling Batman

Red Hood: have his phone number, do you?

The crook: I’ll tell the police and they’ll tell him!

Spoiler: I thought you were dying? Think you’ll be the only ghost haunting the GCPD?

Red Robin: you’ll live

The Crook: he shot me!!

Red Robin: just walk it off

The Crook: he shot me IN THE LEG

Red Hood: [mutters] should’ve aimed for the mouth

Spoiler: that’s murder

Red Hood: not if I aim really carefully

Impulse: [in the corner of the alley, on his phone] hi. I’m starting to rethink this “interning with the bats” idea. Can you come get me?

[collectivefandomstuff]

I tag the source if there is one (unless it’s a reference or song lyric or something that I expect to be known or easy to look up) but in this case and most of my posts there isn’t one. I just made it up

[Caught by Penguin’s goons and tied to chairs in a warehouse, waiting for the cavalry]

Red Robin: I’m gonna say it. Shakespeare is overrated.

Red Hood: Ok, first of all: how dare you. Second of all: how DARE you?

Red Robin: He’s boring and Romeo and Juliet is ridiculous bullshit.

Red Hood: Counterpoint. Romeo and Juliet was always meant to be satire and if you read it with the knowledge that teenagers are idiots it’s actually a fantastic, mean commentary on teenage romance.

Red Robin: The only way I’ll accept that argument is if he was purposefully making fun of a particular pair of teenagers that he knew in real life and “Romeo and Juliet” was really Shakespeare being petty and mocking his cousin or something.

Red Hood: You- yeah that would be great actually.

Red Robin: Right? Still, my original point stands: Shakespeare is given way too much credit. So he invented some words. big whoop.

Red Hood: He basically invented the English language!

Red Robin: He better have considering the lenght of some of the monologues.

Red Hood: Look, thanks to Shakespeare we get to study dick jokes in school. There are so many dick jokes! How can you NOT like him?

Red Robin: One would think you’d be over Dick jokes, growing up in our family.

Red Hood: Well where do you think I get most of my material??

Red Robin: I’ll concede that Macbeth is okay, but the rest of his tragedies? I mean, Hamlet? More like Ham-let-me-out-of-this-AP-English-class

Red Hood: One, that was sub-par and I expect better from you. Two; are you seriously going after HAMLET?

Red Robin: [snorts] Of COURSE you would enjoy a play about a death-obsessed dude with daddy issues and a thirst for revenge.

Red Hood: OK, POINT! But I’m still HELLA insulted. And Shakespeare is a master at exploring the human condition!

Red Robin: [rolls his eyes]

Red Hood: [to one of the Henchmen guarding them] Hey, you! With the ski-mask and bad enough judgement to wear sneakers to a gunfight!

Henchman: Uh… yea?

Red Hood: Back me up here. Shakespeare is a cultural icon.

Henchman: well, uh, he always kinda bored me in school

Red Robin: A-HA!

Red Hood: Oh shut up. Since when are Penguin’s goons the go-to authority on literature

Red Robin: Since Shakespeare gets way too much credit because of fanboys like you.

Red Hood: Says the man who CRIED about the Hobbit movies. Several times.

Red Robin: THEY RUINED IT. EXCELLENT PRECEDENCE, EXCELLENT SOURCE MATERIAL AND THEY-

Boss Henchman: [barges in] what the fuck is going on in here? Who’s making so much fucking noise?

Red Hood: [inclines his head towards Red Robin] Red Robin here thinks Shakespeare is overrated.

Boss Henchman: [immidiately involved] YOU’RE INSULTING THE BARD? HE BASICALLY INVENTED THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Red Hood: [mimicking Red Robin] A-HA!

Red Robin: Look, if you want to stan an author who made a comedy about gaslighting and subjugating a woman through marriage be my guest but I’m different

Boss Henchman: That’s a bullshit argument

Henchman #2 -a woman: Nah, he’s got a legit point.

Red Robin: Thank you!

Red Hood: One bad play doesn’t mean you can diminish the impact of his work as a whole

Red Robin: Oh CAN’T I?

Boss Henchman: I will not stand here and see the Bard slighted in my own house- warehouse- whatever!

—–20 minutes later—–

Boss Henchman: -HISTORICAL CONTEXT

Red Robin: SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING A SEXIST APOLOGIST WOULD SAY

Red Hood: THAT’S NOT EVEN-

—–40 minutes later—–

Boss Henchman: SHAKESPEARE SHOWED ME THAT WORDS CAN BE BEAUTIFUL

Henchman #1: I WENT TO AN ALL BOYS SCHOOL!! THEY MADE ME PLAY JULIET DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH SHIT I GOT ON THE STREETS

—–70 minutes later—–

Red Hood: YOUNG LEONARDO DI CAPRIO WAS A LEGIT SNACC AND IF YOU SAY ANYTHING ELSE YOU’RE LYING

Red Robin: SO WATCH GANGS OF NEW YORK AT LEAST THAT’S INTERESTING

—–90 minutes later—–

Red Robin: THE FUCKING BARREL SCENE!! WHAT EVEN WAS THAT?!!

—–2 hours later—–

Red Hood: HE TAUGHT HISTORY TO THE MASSES!

Red Robin: HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO SLEEP IN CLASS WITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT IS WHAT HE DID

—–2,5 hours later—–

Boss Henchman: [pointing a gun at Henchman #1] HOW DARE YOU CALL OTHELLO A LI'L BITCH-

Henchman #2: [Hits Boss Henchman over the head with a chair] JUSTICE FOR KATHERINA

Red Robin: [Cheering] GET HIM, SUSAN

—–4 hours later—–

——The Batcave——

Bruce: [tiredly, rubbing the bridge of his nose] Ok, tell me again how you managed to escape.

Tim and Jason: [glancing at each other]

Tim: First off, I’d like to state for the record that we had everything perfectly under control.

[collectivefandomstuff]

Jason: what if we did like a big party where we put lots of priceless artifacts on display in cases that are really easy to break into?

Duke: hmm, maybe. But we have to make sure the surveillance cameras are super easy to hack

Jason: well obviously

Steph: I think we should hire that one group- “totally not working for any bird-themed villain” -to do security

Tim: oh excellent plan

Barbara: I still feel like we’re thinking too small- how about we invite the heir to a billion dollar company?

Cass: and also a known career criminal

Bruce: [to Dick] what are they doing?

Dick: role-playing as the party committee for the winter gala

Tim: [waving his tea spoon] ok, guys, I just had the best idea, hear me out

Tim: for a theme:

Tim: carneval!

Steph: oooh everyone can wear masks!

Jason: we could make full-face masks obligatory!

Barbara: [in a posh voice while stirring her tea] amazing work everyone, well done

[collectivefandomstuff]

Glad to see you back! Hope life is treating you better, or whatever caused you to take time off has let you relax.

This ask was made a while back and I have a lot of unanswered asks, but I thought I’d start here. Thank you! It warms my dry old bones that some of you have missed me. I probably won’t be as active as I have been; more stopping by once in a while. Reasons mostly being that I now have a full-time job that I really like which means that I’ve finally achieved my life-long dream of being a workaholic. But I do miss this blog so I’ll try to pop back in a bit more frequently.

[collectivefandomstuff]

At the GCPD

Gordon: we still don’t know who’s behind these robberies, but we believe there’s a risk of escalating violence so we need to work fast here people

Police officer: how are we supposed to catch them if we don’t know anything about them, boss?

Batman: [melts out of the darkness] I can find them

Gordon: [ignoring that three of his officers just flinched and then tried to pretend they didn’t] how?

Batman: [still half cloaked in shadow] I have my ways

Gordon: [tiredly] well I guess beggars can’t be-

Gordon:

Gordon: are you crocheting?

Batman, in a less growly voice: [covering his hands with his cloak] no

Gordon: [stares at him]

Batman:

Gordon:

Batman: one of my kids is making a family quilt. we’re all supposed to contribute

Gordon:

The police officers:

Batman: [still crocheting under the cloak] I’ll find the robbers [steps back and vanishes into the night]

Police officers:

Gordon: [pinches the bridge of his nose with two fingers]

Police officer: [quietly to his colleagues] I bet it’s Nightwing

[collectivefandomstuff]

At the Watchtower

Nightwing: ok people, we just got a message that the League is coming back in less than two hours which means that we have about an hour to come up with an excuse for every single incident that we’ve caused during the time they were in space and 45 minutes to figure out how to hide the giant marmot.

Impulse: his name is Nathan

Nightwing: that’s shockingly unhelpful

Wonder Girl: we could tell them that the UN did it

Arsenal: Which part?

Wonder Girl: All of it

Nightwing: That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard

Nightwing: Let's try it

---Later---

Superman: So, while we were off world the united nations formed a new country, crashed the stock-market, destroyed five buildings in downtown San Francisco and "supersized a marmot"?

Wonder Girl: [stone-faced] Yes.

Impulse: Also the other things

Red Robin: They really took advantage of the fact that you weren't here

Batman: [Squints suspiciously at the part of the world map that now includes the country "United Republic of Nonya"]

Nightwing: [sweating nervously] So enough about Nathan- I mean us, how was your trip? Did you... did you meet any nice aliens or...?

Batman: What does "Nonya" mean?

Wonder Girl: [quietly] shit

Red Hood and Arsenal: [with glee] NONYA-