#anyways i've been wanting to do this forever and lately i've been badly needing to practice new things again so it was a fun excuse lol

[varilien]

given that i've ran this blog for as many years now i think i should get much credit for this being what, only the third dick joke i've ever made here hdfkhkj

anyways. there's this point in the story where vash and wolfwood have to go their separate ways for a while, but neither of them are dealing with it particularly well

(image id below the cut since it's a longer one)

[image ID: a rough, doodley 5 panel digital comic of vash and meryl from trigun, but from my leaden skies au where they've both been lightly redesigned to fit into the setting of monster hunter. vash is a wyverian with long pointed ears, wearing a red coat with gold trim and buttons. meryl is a human wearing a beret as seen on other guild girls, but her all-white outfit is a practical two-piece blouse and shorts set. the whole comic is comprised of warm colors, orange and yellow and dark purple

panel 1: vash sitting in the foreground at a brown desk covered in candles and books, with a book opened in front of him that he flips through with a bored expression and his cheek resting against his hand. he appears to be in a library, lit by candles on dark grey chandeliers hung from the ceiling. meryl is in the background stretching up to reach a book high on a shelf, and beside her is a table which is also covered in candles and several tall stacks of books

panel 2: a closeup of vash's face as his eyes widen and his ears prick up. something in the book has apparently caught his attention

panel 3: a closeup of the page vash was looking at, an illustrated info sheet about the flying wyvern, khezu. a candle in the table brightly illuminates the colored page

panel 4: meryl has come around by vash's shoulders with a stack of books held in her arms. she quirks a brow as she looks over vash's shoulder at the book. vash has a neutral, hard to read look on his face, but his ears are still up and his eyes are still shiny and wide as he seems to consider the page for a while

panel 5: a yellow word bubble comes from vash, who huffs a long sigh and says, "maybe i should call him...". his head has tipped to the side as he rubs his neck and frowns, blushing a little with his ears drooping. meryl physically recoils from him and her face scrunches up in disgust, saying, "eww" and, "there's something wrong with you"

end ID.]

[m3r1m4r5u333]

Btw I NEED TO ramble about the scene in which Buck comes out to Maddie and why it just makes me love her even more than I did before. Maddie is my freaking GOAT ❤️❤️❤️

Why? Well, because she already KNEW. She TOTALLY KNEW. And still pretended to be surprised!!

Why do I say she knew? Well. Because it's 100% canon that Buck rambles about his boy crushes, a lot. A LOT. To everyone!!!

I can't remember how much I've talked about this, but Buck totally had a crush on Albert at one point. There's an whole storyline about it, episodes 4x07 and 4x08.

Here's a recap of how it goes:

Buck goes on a date with Veronica. The date goes BADLY. It lasts for about 90 minutes and Buck leaves humiliated, never wanting to see her again.

Albert is Buck's room mate. Buck comes home, rants about the embarrassing date, announces that he never wants to see Veronica again... Goes to take out the trash, and runs across Veronica, realising that she's their neighbour, lives in the same building. Buck runs home and urgently tells Albert that they have to move!!

Then... Buck knocks on Veronica's door, trying to reconciliate. He does not want awkwardness between neighbours. They agree that the date was terrible, and then... Albert walks out of the shower in a towel.

Next... We see Buck and Taylor (she's a reporter) at work. They're watching a guy who's having a meltdown on a low roof. The emergency is taking forever, Taylor and Buck talk... Or rather.. Buck does!!

Not only does he rant about Albert and Veronica to Taylor, he also talks about them to a random first responder. Albert in a towel!!! has certainly left Buck reeling. It's super obvious that the one Buck actually fancies is Albert. The one date with Veronica was terrible, they definitely weren't ever in a relationship -- but Buck is sputtering about "breaking of bro code!!" and Albert in a towel?? Yeah.

They're not the only ones hearing about Albert. There's also a scene (can't recall which episode) where Chimney and Maddie enter a karaoke bar. Chimney says something about this being nice reprise because he's heard enough about Albert lately...

Anyway, back to Veronica/Buck/Albert/Taylor. Buck invites Taylor on a double date - without telling her it's a double date. Taylor arrives, takes in the queer love square she's been pulled into, very pointedly says that she's heard A LOT about Albert because Buck keeps talking about him... And then she's like "Actually I'm off, this is ridiculous.", and storms off (go queen 👑!)... (Then she and Buck reconciliate. Her capacity to forgive is unparalled, just saying.)

Anyway, back to WHY I LOVE MADDIE. (And Chimney!!!)

The crush on Albert isn't the only obvious boy crush Buck has, is it?

Eddie... The way they meet and Buck goes nuts trying to impress Eddie. The peacocking (mutual peacocking!!!!) is absolutely ridiculous. Chimney watches this mating display dance, shakes his head, rolls his eyes, chuckles to himself... Chimney can tell what's going on, for sure.

Then there's that famous scene in which Buck rambles about Eddie and Chris, is apparently elbows deep online researching for ways to help Eddie with Christopher... Maddie finally asks if the boy crush on Eddie means that Buck is over Abby.

... And there is of course also that scene where Buck assumes that when Maddie meets Chimney and says "he's so cute!", Maddie is talking about Eddie... Even though Maddie and Chimney are before line that seen talking and flirting like they're totally in their own bubble.

Anyway - then let's jump to season 7. Buck is rambling on and on about Eddie and Tommy, and how they've hit off. Apparently has for a good while. Buck is super bothered by their friendship, it's clear he's pressing Chris for intel, snooping around the Diaz home trying to find more information... Maddie listens to this absolutely ridiculous, clueless prattling. And she knows. She totally knows.

Buck is GLASS. He's absolutely transparent. This man isn't straight.

And she's not the only one who knows.

Chimney enters the room. Maddie looks at him "NO! Don't you dare say anything!!!" But Chimney can't resist indulging himself with some subtle teasing.

He jumps in, praising Tommy. "That Tommy's SO COOL 😍!!" Basically just adding fuel to the fire, getting under Buck's skin.

Maddie, in the background is making a face like:

"jdjdkkeke CHIMNEY 🤦 ...Ugh, thank you, darling. 🙄👌You've done it. I'll be here all day, listening to this absolutely brainless jealous meltdown. Fucking great!"

So...

Why won't they say anything, talk to Buck about how ridiculous he's being? Sit him down and spell:

YOU AREN'T STRAIGHT. YOUR BOY CRUSHES CAN BE SEEN FROM OUTER SPACE. Wake up!!

Well... Because they are being patient. Because they are being considerate, because they do not want to press him, because they're letting him take his time, figure it out at his own pace.

Because they know that confronting someone who isn't ready to face their queerness can go badly.

Forcing someone to confront their queerness can backlash, it can make that person retreat further inside the closet.

It can be embarrassing and traumatizing for the closeted person to be pressed about this inner conflict. The closet is a maze, it is scary, and confusing, and the denial can be powerful enough that the closeted person doesn't even have any idea that hey, I'm queer, I'm closeted.

So Maddie and Chimney are being sensitive. They see that Buck isn't ready to talk about his sexuality - he's obviously not even aware of it.

So Maddie and Chimney are giving him the time he needs to come to term with it. They may indulge in some gentle teasing, maybe try to give him the occasional hint to help him along, but mostly they're just waiting, listening, letting him be.

So!!!!

What about Maddie's (my GOAT, I love her ❤️) reaction to Buck coming out? Why did she pretend to be surprised by Buck's attraction to men?

Because she was being KIND. Considerate. Because she loves her brother and realises that this moment... It's not about her. It's about him. It's about the reaction Buck needs, to feel supported.

It's not the time to embarrass him. It's not the time to GLOAT about how smart she is, to have realised, ages ago, that Buck is clearly into into men, too.

She did see it coming, and because she is the BEST sister ever... She prepared. She researched this shit, how to react to someone's coming out in a positive way.

And if this is new to you - pay attention now...

Many queer people say this about their coming out;

It sucks if the person you're coming out goes "I KNEW IT! I CALLED IT! I SAW THIS COMING! YOU WERE SO OBVIOUS!!"

Because it totally belittles their struggle. It can be humiliating to learn that when you were scared, and stressed, and confused, and trying to hide your vulnerable underside... Someone was watching you, and thinking "Pffft. You're so freaking obvious. You're fooling nobody. Just come out already."

This gloating "I knew it" reaction isn't just bad because it makes you feel stupid, embarrassed, to learn that you were being transparent. It's like you have no privacy anymore. They saw your performance and gave it one star.

This "Oh I knew"... It makes you anxious because then you wonder... Who else already knows? Who else am I obvious to? What else am I obvious about?

Learning that they knew... It can be traumatizing. Embarrassing. Scary. Because nobody wants to learn that they're easy to read.

Maybe... you aren't ready to come out to everyone, and this reaction makes you terrified that you won't have the option to get ready, that they will realise what you're hiding, and force you to talk about it.

Because maybe... you're still freaked out abour people knowing you're queer. Maybe you fear people spotting it and lashing out.

Or maybe... You aren't afraid of a hateful reaction, but panic at the idea of even a supportive talk about your sexuality with someone. Sexuality is an universal taboo, talking about is awkward and stressful to almost everyone.

And also, when you come out and the person you told tells you they already knew, that your queerness was obvious, and they were expecting you to come out..?

It can be a shock in another way. Maybe your queerness was something you, at some point, were desperate to hide from others... And clearly, you failed that mission. What else are you failing to hide? Because everyone has something they're insecure about!!! Secrets, traumas, embarrassing moments, vulnerable parts. We all try to guard something.

So being told that your poker face sucks? It can make you feel totally paranoid. You think... Omg. I thought I was hiding this. I tried so hard to hide this.

But clearly I wasn't hiding. They saw right through me. Am I always so easy to read?

Do people know all my secrets, everything that makes me nervous and embarrassed, and scared? Do they just look at me and think "They're so dumb to put up that front, we can totally tell how you really think and feel."

Do people look at me and laugh? Do they joke about me behind my back?

And so on.

Basically, when someone comes out to you and you go "Thank god! ABOUT TIME!!"... You're being a prick.

They're opening up to you. They are being vulnerable. They are trusting you with something.

This moment... Your reaction is important. If you want to be a good ally, and support this person coming out to you.

Your job is to provide reassurance. Support. A listening ear. Your love.

Your job isn't to gloat, or dismiss their fears. Your job is not to induce panic, paranoia, or humiliate them by making them feel dumb.

They may be scared of your reaction. Respect that fear, however irrational it is. It doesn't matter if you're queer too, or think you're the best ally in the world, this moment can still be something they've been nervous about. Don't shit on it by smugly gloating about your excellent queerdar.

Yes, you can be honest, if they desperately want to know if you suspected anything. You can gently tell them that you saw some signs. But really, this moment isn't the time to humiliate them or freak them out. Be sensitive.

....

.... Oops sorry, got lost in the ramble 😅😅!!

Uh... Where was I? Yes.

Basically what I wanted to say with this post is that...

Maddie. Freaking. Buckley!!!! You are the love of my life, does not matter that you are fictional. You're my freaking GOAT anyway. I'm... weak.

Because her reaction to Buck's coming out?!!!

Jdjdjjdjdbndnd.

It actually makes me emotional. It was so perfect. It was so full of love!!!

Because yes, she totally knew, had known for years...

AND she kept that knowledge to herself!!!!

Because she'd seen Buck, the closet he was so lost inside in, and she loves Buck... So she wanted to be there for him.

And she knew that it's not easy to come to terms with one's queerness. That it can be tough and scary.

So she thought "What can I do to help? How can I do my best to support my queer brother?"...

And rolled up her sleeves. She researched this. She found out it's not helpful to press someone, that it's important to be patient. She looked up the experiences of queer people coming out. What is helpful! What isn't! She came up with a plan.

Yes, she totally did. I'm telling you, she fucking studied for this test. To make sure her reaction would be freaking perfect, and help Buck on this journey.

Because she did everything right. She realised that letting Buck know how obvious his bisexuality was to her... Might be detrimental to his well-being, and their relationship.

She understood that it wasn't important that she'd known.

That it wasn't her time to brag about how clever she was, to have seen this coming, but to be sensitive of this struggle, to respect this struggle.

So when the day finally came... She was surprised, yes, to realise Buck had been on a date with a man.

I mean, it came out of the blue, right? Buck had been so oblivious to his closet. She'd missed the moment Buck became aware of the closet, and immediately ran on a date.

She thought Buck was still in the dark, so him suddenly going on a date with a man never even entered her mind as an option.

Then she realised... OH. He IS there? He has figured this out. He's coming out to me, now?

Okay!!! Let's follow the game plan then.

Be sensitive. Don't act like you were totally expecting this day to come.

The identity of the date? That was the real surprise. I mean, just watch the previous scene in which Buck talks about Tommy and Eddie with her.

He does rant about Tommy, but c'mon... It's really Eddie's attention Buck craves.

It's basically a re-telling of Buck's love tangle with Veronica, Taylor and Albert. Buck told himself he wanted Veronica, and that's why it bothered him that Albert "broke the bro code".... In a towel! Except, the one who Buck wouldn't shut up about... Was Albert.

And Maddie sees that it's happening AGAIN. Wow... Her brother really has no idea WHO he is actually crushing on.

Okay, she thinks. Does not matter now! The coming out is the important part, so let's roll with it. Focus, Maddie! Get it right.

And she did. She was patient. She was supportive. She sae that Buck was trying to run from the topic of sexuality like it was a total nonevent that he'd been on a date with a man...

So she was like "Hey, let's just slow down a bit. Let's acknowledge this moment. I now know that you were on a date with a man. You don't need to continue this pronoun game.

Okay. Let's talk about it being a first date with a man, and what this step means to you. You can tell me."

Really, she was so lovely. She didn't gloat about already knowing, she didn't stress him out by being overly emotional - by acting like this was the biggest event to happen on Earth.

She calmed him down.

She made sure to let him know that this didn't scare her, or make her feel awkward.

That she wanted him to talk about this with her. That she was excited for him, and supportive, and wanted to know more, and that it was okay to date a man.

That she would want to know about Buck's relationships with men just like she'd wanted to know abour her relationships with women.

She let him know that she was there for him, ready to listen, and glad to hear he'd been on a date with a man.

That this didn't change a thing, that she would accept and welcome Buck's male partners just as she had always accepted the women he'd dated. The gender made no difference, she was fine with whoever Buck chose to date.

And she also made sure the mood didn't turn too heavy. She let him know that this was great news, something worth celebrating. That she was excited to see him enter this new chapter in his life, and experience new things.

And that she wanted to learn of it, she wanted him to share this new stuff, let her in his life. So tell me more about this hot pilot!

Jdjbdbdnndnd!!!

Really, she was fucking fantastic. This was such a lovely scene. I love Maddie, she's my favorite. I need a tissue, I'm crying.

Oh and also. It wasn't just great writing. The acting here just blew me away. I love them. So skilled, so lovely, so funny, so human. Brilliant, beautiful, both of them. Fucking impeccable.

[xxxsaturnxx]

False accusations

modern!au

pairing modern!abby anderson × f/reader

characters; reader*, abby anderson, readers parent(s). ellie williams (mentioned), owen moore (mentioned),

Cw: strong language, some plot, some p*rn, arguments/accusations, suggested infidelity (cheating), mentions of owen

Im kinda rusty so please be kind(I AM SO SORRY ITS SO LONG )

‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･༓☾

It had been a long day. Woke up early, got ready for work, got to work, didn't have any breaks, then went to my ex's, and got home later than I wanted to. Which would definitely cause some problems with Abby. Oh, boy... I wasn't ready for the arguing and accusations. But maybe she was already asleep.

And mad at me.

Fuuuuck.

I slipped the key into the lock, slowly turning them to unlock the door, sneaking in with caution and ease. Something I've been good at since... Forever, I guess.

The coast was clear. No lights on, no tv shows playing, no music, no nothing. I let out a sigh of relief, fist pumping the air in excitement. I would rather Abs be asleep and mad at me instead of awake and arguing. She never really liked me being out late anyways unless she was there.

Flick. A light turned on, casting a big, mean shadow.

Oh fuck. No, no, no.

"Did you have fun out today?" Abby stood im the hallway, her shadow looming over me. She was beyond pissed. I did not need to look at her to know, I could feel and hear it. "Meet up with some friends?"

*What?" | dropped my bag on the floor and hung up the keys,

"Abby, I've been at work since morning. What're you on about?" turning to her with a confused look.

*You work from nine in the morning to seven at night."

"Yeah?"

"It's almost ten, Y/N! Where were you?" Abby marched over to me, crossing her huge arms across her chest and glaring down at me.

"Abby, I don't have time for this. I was getting a few things from my mom, that's all.” I partially lied. I wasn't with my mom but I was retrieving some of my belongings from my ex.

"Yeah? Or were you out fucking Ellie?"

I gave her a disgusted look, shaking my head at her. Not because of who she said I was with but because of her accusation. She knows I would never cheat on her. Not now, not ever. Why would she even think that?

"Fucking, excuse me?"

"Does this look familiar?" Abby pulled up a photo of me and Ellie speaking to one another, fiddling with our hands, a nervous smile present on both parties lips, "Owen sent me a photo of you two together.

My eyes snapped up to hers, now raging at the name coming out of her mouth, "fucking, who!? Owen!?" | scoffed, rolling my eyes at her and shaking my head, "why's he still in your contacts? Why do you have his number?"

"Don't turn the tables on me, Y/N. Answer me."

At that point, I was already fed up with her bullshit, waving my hand in her face as I walked down the hall to our shared bedroom. Abby chased me down, hot on my heels.

"Fuck you, Abigail."

"Fuck me? No, Y/N, fuck you!" Abby's voice cracked a bit, not because she was crying but because she had been raising her voice at me and she hated doing so.

I scoffed at her rebuttal and tried to slam the door but abby caught it with her foot just in time, "The reason I have his number is so he can take my shifts like how i did for our anniversary!"

I rolled my eyes and scoffed again “ Yeah right how do i know that you haven’t been fucking behind my back then!” Abby had a pained look on her face.

“Do you seriously think that i would cheat on you? After everything!” Abby swung the door open so roughly it shook the wall. “Of course not but why would you think i would do that to you? Especially since you know how my last relationship ended and how badly it fucked me up!”

My eyes were tearing up as i remember how badly it hurt when i walked in on Ellie and Dina on our anniversary a few years back. Abby sighed and rubbed her face with her hands in an attempt to calm down.

“I-i look I shouldn’t have accused you. I guess I was just scared that you’d leave me for her or something and I shouldn’t have listened to Owen for all we know he’s just trying to stir up drama. I'm sorry.” Abby looked down while rubbing the back of her neck.

“I’m sorry I tried to flip it back to you, the truth is i was just getting some of my old stuff back it was just stuff i didn’t have the balls to get back yet.” I pulled out small photos of my childhood and some souvenirs and pins.

“I know it doesn’t look like much but these mean alot to me.” Abby pulled me into a hug and kept me there “oh baby, I’m sorry but why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve gotten that stuff for you or helped.”

My face buried in her chest i sighed “ i wanted to do it myself not burden you. You already do so much for me anyway.” I wipe my face with my sleeve as i break the hug

“How about i reward you for being so brave and to make it up to you too .” Abby holds me by my waist and looks me in the eyes. “That sound good princess?” I nod eagerly and wrap my arms around her neck.

“Yeah, that sounds really good.” I squealed as she picked me up and took me to the edge of the bed. Abby pulled me into a steamy kiss and laid me down as she crawled on top of me never breaking the kiss.

‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚

My chest pressed down against the sheets as one hand propped onto my hip while the other was rubbing up and down my spine. "Aren't you just the prettiest girl, huh baby?" Abby teases me her breath right on my neck.

My mouth hangs open, just at the thought of her lips on where i most need her. I can feel Abby smirk at how reactive I am to her touch and how I arch my back into her. Then that familiar, intoxicating feeling of me stretching at Abby's girth, drew out a light whimper from my lips.

"You're doin' so good baby taking me like the slut you are." Abby covers my body with hers and i can feel her chest on my back as she starts to move. Her relentless pace that she set was mind numbing to the point that i was drooling at the sensation.

The room fills with the sounds of skin slapping, Abby groaning, and my pornographic moans. Abby's large hands pushed my head down into the pillow, muffling me so her own sounds of pleasure were heard. She even seemed to be slowing her pace, one hand slipping down to my hip while the other tug my head up by my hair, lips nearing my ear.

"God baby you're grippin me so tight, I can barely move." a thin sheen of sweat covers both of our bodies. My juices forming a ring at the base of Abby's strap, the sounds the strap going in and out of me are deafening, yet so satisfying to hear on repeat.

"Abby, please," was all I could say, begging her to just ruin me.

"Please what, baby? Use your words, don't be shy now." I whimpered at her teasing, aching for all of her. I can feel a coil in my stomach tighten even more and i give in. "Please Abby let me cum, please please please!"

Abby coos and quickens her pace. Her grip becomes bruising as she shows no mercy pounding into me. "There you go baby. You sound so pretty when you beg, go ahead princess cum, you've earned it." Abby whispers through gritted teeth as she pressed her mouth to my ear.

The coil snapped and my body froze momentarily, a small shiver taking over, my eyes rolling back, and moans that ended up increasing in volume came out of my voice box. Abby didn't even stop there, still thrusting into me so I could ride out my high.

“There you go, such a pretty slut for me huh?” Abby’s thrusts slowed as she starts soothing me with gentle hands. A clear contrast of her seconds before. My hands go to hold abby’s hand on my hip and i start rubbing shapes into the back of her hand.

“I think you really made it up to me abs.” Abby slides out of me with a small chuckle leaning into my back. Abby leans up to kiss the back of my neck. “What do you say we take a nice relaxing bath right now, princess?”

I turn as much as i can to look at her, a sex drunk smile on my lips. “Mmmmm that would be amazing.”

‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･༓☾‧͙⁺˚･

[virtue-and-beneviolence]

Let's play a game ^^

Rank on your moot based on how fun it'll probably be irl if you met them <33

If you want to play ofc

Well I thought I posted this this am but anyway

Okay so I'm at the gym but I have 40 min of cardio to burn so fuck it we ball but I don't have a list of moots here so I'm flipping between d and tryna remember who's ask boxes I've been in lately so ily guys istg I'm not tryna be exclusive or anything. This is just a shortlist of ppl I've known for a while here.

@feitania Eris - duh. Even if I get relentlessly bullied I wanna hang out and also meet their friends. There has been a threat that I would buy matching friendship necklaces and I stand by it. baking bread sounds,,, so fun,,, pls

@drakenlvr Killian - will we get tattoos? Will we disappear for a few days and emerge missing a limb or two between us? Will we set a city on fire?? Who's to say?

@bertholdts--butt Cay- we have an insane amnt in common and I think we'd talk till we were blue in the fuckin face I think dhskwkdkfv

@the-travelling-witch Holly - I'm dying to cash in on holly doodles on eris and vi hours, talk mad shit and learn more Abt you and watch you blush over inui in person sksks.

@violettierre Violet- I think we could talk forever and your stories are insane lol. We're not always super in touch but 🥺🥺 I care sm Abt you. And also I think you have ppl I'd like to fight in your life. But bread's tag does explicitly say not to steal her and I need to ask you to respect that lololol

@benkeibear rhy -I think we click p well and I need to meet Ace and Dobby so badly T.T the best puppy play date ever. And I'll protect you from all the giant men by biting their ankles (all I can reach).

@sleepy3 Sleepy- cash in on cuddle parties and have a self care night?? Im sold. Maybe hit the gym and put me to absolute shame? Also sold.

@l-tora-l and @a-pair-of-socks - I have a lot I'd like to learn from y'all. Lots of hobby talk here. Plus I need socks to stretch me and laugh at my stubby non ballet approved legs. (A joke- bc anyone can do ballet if they wanna)

@offtaskotaku and @vivianette - I feel like we'd have a hell of a fandom party. I wanna chatter Abt blorbos all day long w y'all. 🥺🥹

[summerlycoris]

Okay so I'm putting this here because Dad really fucking pissed me off today and If I don't write something I'll just-

So I was helping him to put in a veranda and ramp on the front of my house today. Work projects with Dad would be difficult, but not misery, if he could just. Fucking. Not be a dick for 5 seconds.

Unfortunately my dad has "must be a dick every 5 seconds " disease so that's never fucking happening lmao lol roflmao.

Anyway. He was ragging out my brothers girlfriend Rochelle. And yeah. She's got problems. Neither of us can see the relationship lasting. (Rochelle's nice, but not to brodie. She let's her anxiety get the best of her, and constantly embarrasses him in front of their friends making out of line jokes, and emotionally abusing him.)

Dad thinks the reason they're not going to last is that Rochelle is on disability and is "a leech" "She's going nowhere." He used himself (hes not fucking diagnosed. And normally im all for self diagnosis. But not for this cuntwad. I WILL gatekeep from my damn dad because fuck him thats why.) me and my brother as examples of disabled people who don't need help.

And that ticked me off. Because I do need help. I just don't get help. Brodie needs help too. He just can't get it. Hell, maybe if dad had help as a kid he wouldn't have been such a bastard when we were kids. (He's fucked up 2/3 kids. Bad odds when your a parent. And he's still got plenty of time to fuck up the 3rd kid! SHES ONLY 4 YEARS OLD.)

I can't remember exactly, but I try to tell him that my life wasn't great and that I could've used some help. He asks how my life sucked so bad.

And I'm just fucking gobsmacked. Mum did this too recently- despite literally being the one to say that she thought I was gonna off myself at 11 years old years ago. Do these two not have any fucking memories?

I told him I'd been bullied all through school. (Couldn't exactly tell him he'd treated me like dirt whenever he was home) and he was like "well you're living a better life than your bullies. I bet they don't own a house."

I got so fucking angry. And I couldn't explain it at the time. But I can now- it doesn't matter what YOU think. Or what Mum thinks. Or what the fucking goldfish think. You don't live my life! And my opinions the one that matters, because im the one living that life. And I think my life's kinda shit!

I can't make friends. Not because I'm necessarily bad at talking to people (I can mask better now than I ever could as a kid) but because I just can't feel the same way about talking to people as I could as a kid. Like this may not make any sense- but when I was a kid before everything? I liked talking to people. It wasn't a chore. I didn't have to overanalise everything. But now it is. I quickly finish up talking to people thinking something like "Thank god that's over" or "Thank god that didn't go badly" and it's so. Fucking. Tiring.

So I'm gonna be alone forever. Not because of some incel bullshit. But just because I literally can't do it. I just can't fucking do it right. I can't go back to being 8 and being excited to meet someone new. I can't even go back to being 19 and bring willing to try making friends.

I'm 28. And I've spent most of my life being lonely.

And he's like- you've got the autism support group- but we meet once a month and I sometimes can't even MAKE it due to work and there's acquaintances. I don't even know most of their NAMES.

And it all just sent me into a tailspin honestly. Like the day was okay until he decided to be himself and trod over some exposed nerves. Then run his fucking jeep over them for good measure.

He's like "your like van goth" and I'm like "he killed himself" and he says "but you won't do rhat" and honestly dad? There's still fucking time. Better 17 years late than never huh????

Fuck, I needed to get that off my chest. I can't stand him. I really can't. But I kinda have to because I want to still know mum and nikara.

It's just amazing how he can just. Always find a way to ruin my day. Today was supposed to be good. It's autism group meet up night. I'm supposed to take Rochelle and one of brodies friends there. But I think if I go tonight I'll just be a miseryguts and cry everywhere. And I've got a surprise work shift tomorrow from 7-3pm. And then my fucking On Week at work. Despite not really having much time off from it and work doing a number on me even during my fucking off week this week. It's just not worth going oh my fucking God I hate this.

[nnothingnesss]

Serendipity (Short Story)

Alexie visits a club with her friend Sara. A night of anxiety spirals into a very silent car ride home.

"Lex, you came out of hiding," her aura flushes over me like a blush in my cheeks. "You want to hang out in my room for a little bit? We can do our thing alone before we go out,"

"Yes please" I say.

As we work our way to her bedroom we pass the living room first and then the kitchen. I see Mr. Mueller sitting on a sofa with a newspaper splayed out over his lap. Oldies are filling the room with positive vibrations.

"Nice to see ya 'gain hon'"

"Hey Mr. Mueller," I say excitedly. He's always been what I thought a father should be.

We make our way into her room and she locks the door behind us. She has no idea how badly I freaked out earlier.

"I'm actually kind of surprised you wanted to come Lex," she says

"Honestly I came just to hang out with you," I respond

"You know I love you but it's okay if you don't want to go you know?"

"It's okay, I promise I'm fine,"

"No Lex, I'm so serious, it's okay to not be fine" you can tell she cares the way she looks into my eyes.

"Yeah actually... I'm not fine," As soon as the words leave my mouth she wraps her arms around me and holds me for a second. I didn't expect it.

"I hope you know if anything happens I'm here for you,"

"I know"

I take a quick glance around her room before plopping down on her mattress. I wish we could hang out here forever. New people scare me but I'm not going to tell her that. As I look at the crystals on her dresser she rummages through her makeup box for lip gloss.

"Where are we going anyway?" I ask.

"I convinced them all we should go to Serendipity,"

"Oh they play really good music,"

"I hope you know I had to force them into it. Now you at least get to boogie if they bore you to death,"

"Ugh, thank you. So, who's they?"

"Well Mimi and I used to serve at The Jewel. I've never met her boyfriend but she wouldn't shut up about him so she dragged him along"

"That's nice" I say. Sara freezes to turn around and look at me.

"She said he managed to convince some of his friends to come along too"

"Yay" My tone is flat.

"Lexie if any of those boys piss you off you better come find me"

"Okay I promise" She acts just like a mom sometimes. She finally finds the shade of lip gloss she wants to use and covers her lips with it before giving a good pucker in front of the mirror. She walks over to her closet and bends over to grab her favorite pair of shoes. Dr. Martens. She slips them on and tightens her laces before collecting her essentials. Purse, keys, and even a heart shaped taser to ward off the unholy clubgoer.

"You ready?" she asks quietly. She can probably feel my anxiety from a planet away.

"No," I tell her but I get up and follow her anyways. Meeting new people always puts me on edge but I know she'll have my back if anything happens. She smiles before telling me to stay close to her if I need to. I nod and we begin to make our way through the living room. She kisses Mr. Mueller on the cheek and tells him she'll be back pretty late. We lock the door behind us and the mood suddenly shifts south for me.

It won't be so bad I tell myself. I want to believe I could have a good night and that Mimi and her friends are good people. She seems so excited to finally get her weekend started but I can feel a nervousness take shelter at the bottom of my stomach.

I try my best to keep it under control because I don't want Sara to worry about me all night. We manage to find some street parking in front of the club. It says Serendipity in a bright neon yellow sign pinned against a slate grey wall. As we wait in line keeping our eyes out for her friends you can hear the loud music sending shockwaves through the ground. The chatter is loud and you can see the combination of excitement, dread, and a mix of other emotions on each individual face that makes up the crowd.

People walk in and out in a drunken stupor some having a good night and others, not so good. As we're standing in line we hear a voice call out to us from behind.

"Sara is that you?" a short woman runs toward us. It's Mimi and her boyfriend plus his friends Sara mentioned. Two other guys. My heart sinks just a little deeper.

"Mimi! No way!" they embrace with a warm hug as the guys walk up behind her.

"It's been too long. I missed you so much." She let's go and takes a good look at Sara, "Please come back."

"I missed you too babe. I'll buy your freedom one day, I promise."

"Oh my god, you're making me so nervous. But wait, let me introduce you first. This is Isaiah and behind him is Jay and Huey. Huey's a cook at The Jewel now."

"What's goin' on y'all?" says Isaiah.

"Hey you guys, I'm Sara and this is my bestie," she introduces me and for a second everyone's attention is on me.

"Hi I'm Alexie,"

The line begins moving again and the boys taper behind us as Mimi, Sara, and I stand close together.

"I can't believe it's been so long everyone is like gone now" Mimi says.

"Is everyone really gone? That's so sad,"

"Yeah it's really just me now honestly. Huey's cool though,"

"I mean he is kind of cute too. What do you think Lex? Boyfriend material?"

"Uh-uh, no way, I'm not interested,"

"Don't like players?" Mimi chimes in, "I personally wouldn't either though, he has his moments."

"It's not that, it's just a guy isn't really in the cards as of right now,"

"But wait he's a player?" Sara asks.

"Well, he's just super friendly with all of the girls at work. Like, all of them."

"I mean he hasn't been sleeping around though has he?"

"Honestly, I'm not sure. I rather keep that stuff and work separate y'know? He's really funny though. They're cool people."

"If you don't want him Lex I just might be laughing at his jokes tonight," Sara winks at me and I roll my eyes back with a smile.

"Trust me, he's all yours,"

As we get closer to the front I dig into my tote and pull out my wallet. I show my ID and the bouncer gives it a rapid glance over before handing it back and ushering me in. I wait patiently for the rest of my group to pass security so we can take our first step into Serendipity together.

My anxiety begins quieting down a little as I hear the music getting louder and louder. It's healing. The further in we go past the coat check corridor the darker the room becomes.

You can feel the energy as soon as you walk in. Serendipity is in full swing. LED's shoot out the wall like lasers onto people's bodies reaching out to the far end of the club. The floor is shaking as the speakers are slipping sonic anodyne into my soul.

It's comforting knowing I can escape to the dance floor and hide behind the music at any time now. The combination of the sonics and ambience feels like entering Shangri-La. All my worries on Earth will just have to wait until I get back.

We manage to find a spot at the menacingly packed bar. Isaiah and Mimi go together to get drinks on the other side while me and Sara stood beside each other with Huey beside me and Jay beside him.

"Can I get a tequila sunrise please?" I wave at the nearest bartender.

"Cash or card?'' they're swamped by a riot of clubgoers. I hand her my card and she opens a tab for me. Once we all have our drinks in hand well all get together in a circle. Mimi suggests we have a toast.

"To the ups and downs. We'll be alright!" We all put our glasses in the air and our drinks illuminate under the sea of lights. Clink.

I make sure to drink as fast as I can so I can get as drunk as possible ASAP. Huey looks at me probably shocked to see me drinking so fast. Me and Sara almost race to the bottom of our cups before we go back to the bartender for seconds together.

"Feeling better?" she shouts at me through the music.

"A lot better!" I genuinely let out a laugh. Maybe tonight wouldn't be so bad.

As Mimi and Isaiah hit the dance floor me and Sara look at Jay and Huey. They're standing at the bar together ordering their seconds now too. We decide to hit the dance floor just the two of us and chug the rest of our seconds. We're really making those boys look bad right now, I thought.

On the floor I can feel my hips lose control moving like they belonged on a swing at a park. Sara looked so beautiful dancing it almost made me sweat. She was as hot as a mirage kissing the water in the summertime. She wore a black leather bustier to match her black skirt.

We laughed and lost ourselves to the heat of 2000s music as we put our hands all over each other dancing underneath the lights as lovers do. I could feel the intensity of the bass vibrate the room. Time began to blur and as the night went on the passion hit a fever pitch, I wasn't here anymore. I was in Heaven. Sara decided she needed a break. Out the corner of my eye I saw Jay approach her as she walked off the floor and I continued dancing. This was my element. This was my place.

Later into the night I notice Sara and Jay disappeared but I didn't mind it. I felt a sudden pang of anxiety rush back into my body as I realized I was on the floor alone surrounded by unfamiliar faces.

It made me dance harder. I wanted to forget everything. I never wanted to go back home. I danced and danced thinking about how I felt abandoned. I relished in it. Laughed at it. I close my eyes and enter hypnosis to lose myself in the music until I'm abruptly brought back to reality as I feel someone come up behind me. It was Huey.

"You look good," he said. Immediately I remember what Mimi said but I try to play it cool.

"Hey, I didn't see you," I say

"Yeah but I've been watching you, you're smoking on the floor right now"

"You think so?"

"I do."

He puts his hands on my hip and pulls closer to me. He just looks into my face without saying anything. His hands feel kind of good on my body so I don't say anything either. I know that Mimi said he's a player but he didn't seem like a bad guy.

We didn't dance for a whole minute before he tried to lean in and press his cheek on me and immediately the illusion broke. I didn't even know this guy and he only said about four lines to me and now he's trying to push it. Instead of slowing down he dropped his arms lower around me and looked even deeper into my eyes. This time his eyes looked hungry. I immediately felt sober. He was a tall guy and his grip felt too strong for me to fight back.

"Dude what the hell?" I push him off of me and start walking off the dance floor to find Sara.

I look around and all I see are strangers. Through a crowd of people dancing I see Huey coming out towards me and my first instinct is to run to the bathroom. I make a run for it and lock myself inside.

First a moment of stillness. A quiet self-awareness. I feel the weight of life slowly creep back into my bones as I stare hypnotically at the bathroom wall. It feels though the black paint is staring back at me as if to ask, what's wrong? Aren't you happy? Weren't you having fun? Did you forget? I was trying so hard to. I do that sometimes.

I'm afraid of the thought of going back out and seeing Huey again and I'm afraid to tell Sara what she already knows. I'm not fine. All I can do is sit here, curled up in a ball on the toilet, angry at the world for allowing my life to turn out like this. It wasn't always so bad.

I remember me and Sara would hang out all the time with the other kids from my neighborhood and I used to be so social back then. I used to love talking to people and getting to know everything about them. I loved the thought of being a light in peoples lives and spreading empathy as far as my own wingspan would let me.

But I realized if you get too comfortable in the wrong places you'll get hurt. Mom taught me that.

I let my guard down for a second. A moment of weakness. I tell myself never again. Flashes of my life go off in my mind like explosives. I didn't want to leave this bathroom.

I'm not even sure how much time passes by before I'm startled by a loud banging on the door. I don't want to answer. I get up to look at myself in the mirror. The same fair skin and dark hair. My eyes look so sad. I'm so sad. Another knock on the door but this time louder.

"Lex, please open up. It's me." It's Sara's voice. I know Sara would do anything for me. I know even if she saw me like this she'd have so much love to give. I know I need it. But I don't open the door. I don't want her to see me like this. It's so embarrassing.

"Lex, please." Her voice becomes a thoughtful plea. She knows. When I shut down even I don't know. I don't know what I'd do. I decide I need to face the outside world yet again before things get even worse. I open the door. The first thing I'm met with is Sara's eyes. She looks so damn worried.

"Hey," she says.

"Hey,"

"You okay? Huey said-"

"I'm fine."

"Lex, it's-"

"Can we go home? Please?" I don't mean to be so cold. I can see my sadness almost transfer onto her. She tries to hug me again but I back up. I'm so afraid and for no reason. It's almost as if I'm not even me anymore.

"Ok Lex. Let's go home."

We walk together outside Serendipity and in the front there's Mimi and the rest of them. Huey won't even look at me. I'm sure he feels bad about what he did and it's not that I hate him or anything. It's just I was having a really good time before he came and shook me out of it. I got too comfortable and he reminded me of that.

"Are you two okay? What happened?" Asks Mimi,

"Sorry Mimi but I think it's time to call it a night. We're not feeling too hot so I'm going to take Lex back home and go get some rest. I'll call you okay?"

"I'm so sorry. Was it..." Mimi gives Sara a look as if she's telepathically finishing her sentence. Sara sends back a reply with an expression of defeat.

"Call me," Mimi's voice fades into the distance as we return to the car and begin our drive home.

The car ride is silent. I can't take my eyes away from the window as I stare at the city skyscrapers as we pass them by. The buildings pass one by one and my eyes follow them until they're completely out of view.

I look at Sara and she stares at the road with this intensity I only ever rarely see on her face. The only time I ever seen her cry was when she caught one of her long term boyfriends cheating on her with some random girl from her job. They all worked together and even if Mimi never knew it that's the whole reason she quit. Every other time she got upset, she looked exactly the same as she does now.

"I'm sorry, Sara. I didn't mean to kill the night like that."

"Lex you didn't kill the night. It's okay to make sure you're okay first. Nothing is wrong with that."

"I know," She has so much more she wants to says but I can tell she doesn't want to. I don't blame her. I'm fragile sometimes.

"I'm guessing you didn't like Huey as much as he liked you?" She asks

"What do you mean?"

"He saw you dancing. He told Jay he thought you looked really good, he just didn't know what to say."

"Really?"

"I'm so serious. I told him he should go dance with you. I told him you thought he was really cute. I'm sorry."

"It's okay Sara. He kind of was. I just.. I don't know."

"Lex. Can I ask you a question?"

"Hm?"

"How come you won't tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"Anything." I never seen her look so serious before.

"I tell you everything Sara, what are you talking about?"

"It's just that, ever since your Mom left you haven't really told me anything. Not about life at home, your dad, about yourself. You either tell me you're fine or you're not fine. Do you not trust me? I just want to be there for you. I have so much love I want to give and," she stops herself. I can tell she's felt this way for a long time.

"It's just that I miss you."

I don't even know what to say. I sit and say nothing for a while. She's right. A deep hole in my heart begins opening. The thoughts slowly come in one by one. My father. My mother. What happened?

"Sara. I love you. It's not that I don't trust you okay? It's just complicated."

"I want to know how complicated it is Lex. You always caught me on my worst days, every time. I just want to do the same for you."

"You do, Sara. Please. Can we just talk about it later?"

"Okay."

The silence fills the car again like smoke would a room. We arrive back at my house and I grab my stuff off the floor. Me and Sara hug tightly and for what feels like longer than usual.

I don't think she realized it but I needed that. She was the only comfort in my life and I'd do anything I could to be with her. I watch her drive off and turn around to face my house. It's a very pretty cage.

[skulllflower]

I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. Or at least not anyone who would really understand. This ended up being WAY longer than I thought it was gonna be. So if you read leave a like I guess.

So I’ve liked this guy for some time. It started out as a hyper fixation crush and then developed in to me liking him. Or it just started. Anyways, he’s stated numerous times he doesn’t want to date and of course I find that upsetting. He doesn’t want forever and I need to come to terms that because I find him attractive and what I’m looking for in a partner, he is not It.

I’m a late bloomer, I’ve never been kissed, held hands with someone, even been physical with someone. I’ve only ever dated someone via long distance and we never got to meet. (Sometimes I wonder if that even counts.) I’m a hopeless romantic, I want forever with someone because who wants to go through the world alone? Yes, there are platonic relationships that can be just as filling. You can build a community and be supported that way. I am not discrediting that.

But when you’ve gone through a majority of life with only having platonic relationships and never experiencing romantic ones, you start to question if you're loveable. If there's something wrong with you because no one has been interested. It's a whole can of worms that I can't go into be because it's a lot.

The point I'm trying to get at is I think I need to stop liking him. I don't know how that's possible because feelings are so complex and you can't just stop having feelings for someone overnight. And I don't want to be a shitty person and just stop following him and stop commenting on his stuff in the hopes of "getting a chance." But I cannot keep doing this to myself, liking people who are unavailable or who have flat out stated multiple times that they don't want anything. I don't want to live that way constantly chasing people.

I have to accept that we're not compatible even though I want us to be. I have to move on with my life in the hopes that maybe I'll meet a person who is what I'm looking for. But the older I get and the more time has gone on without experience a romantic relationship I'm starting to believe that maybe I need to give up on it. That the happily ever after and adventures I've dreamed of just won't happen in this lifetime.

And all I can do is apologize to child me and teenage me who thought they'd be with someone by now. I have to mourn a part of me that will never get to blossom and it's so upsetting. I don't know how to grieve for that part of my self. All I want to do is cry because it's upsetting and I don't have anyone to talk to about this that would get it. No one who understands what it's like to be a late bloomer and want something so fucking badly but never being able to get it.

And please don't tell me to "love myself first" or "it'll happen when you least expect it." It's a little disparaging and shit I've heard for years. I don't want to hear it. Plus, loving yourself and wanting a romantic fulfillment aren't mutually exclusive. People can and do have both.

Anyways this is longer than I though it was gonna be so I'm gonna go ahead and just go back to filling the queue.

[lovemesomesurveys]

What was the last thing you laughed at? Something in a video I was watching earlier.

How many times have you visited the beach in your lifetime? Countless times. I love the beach; I wish I could go more often. The ultimate dream would be to have a beach house.

Do you know anyone personally who has committed murder? No.

Do you use temper glass phone screen protectors? Normally, but of course the one time I didn't get around to ever putting one on my new phone is when it gets an ugly crack on it. It was on my bed and there was a fly my dad saw and was trying to get with the fly swatter and ended up swatting my phone in the process. :/ I'm still surprised it did that, though. I've dropped my phone a few times and nothing happened, but apparently the fly swatter hit it just right.

Have you ever cracked your phone screen badly? Nothing too bad, but it still sucks.

Keep reading

Would you ever take up pole dancing as a hobby? I don't have an interest in it, but even if I did I wouldn't be physically able to anyway.

What is one of your most prized possessions? All my things.

Do you find commercials/ads to be amusing or just annoying? They can be both, usually more annoying and stupid, but I really don't pay much attention to 'em.

Do you enjoy taking late night drives? There is something that just hits different when going somewhere late at night/early morning when it's calmer and quiet.

Do you prefer incense, candles, or something else for making your house smell nice? I just use room sprays.

How many pets/children do you have? I have one doggo.

Have you ever accidentally stolen something? No.

What was the last thing you needed help with? I need help with just about everything now. I feel so useless.

What's the most expensive article of clothing you own? Hm. I don't know.

What's one of your favorite memories from your childhood? I just miss my childhood in general and being a kid.

What seems like a cult to you but isn't one? Uhh. I don't know.

What do you do when you start to feel depressed or really down? I'm that way all the time…

Do you keep your nails manicured? No. My nails are horrendous.

When was the last time you checked your mail? My mom brought it in a couple hours ago.

Do you do positive affirmations daily? No. I've never done that.

What time did you wake up this morning? I haven't, yet. I'm finishing this several hours later from when I started and it's now onto a new day at 12:23AM.

Do you like lemon with your tea? Sure.

Do you know anyone with the name Andrew? No.

Are you a sensitive person? I am. I'm even worse now.

Do you know any of your neighbors well? Nope. I don't know any of them at all.

Have you ever received a traffic ticket? No. I don't even drive.

Do you enjoy glitter or find it to be a nuisance? It's aesthetically pleasing, but it's also such a mess. You'll be finding that shit all over for what seems like forever.

Would you ever want to be a politician? Nooo.

Have you ever been into Pokémon? If so, what's your favorite? Yeah, for a brief time as a kid. Jigglypuff was my favorite.

What's your favorite soup? I was just a ramen gal for so long, but now I've really gotten into soups and looking into various recipes. My favorite as of now is French onion, but I also really like broccoli and cheddar, loaded potato, and chicken and wild rice. I've actually been enjoying just beef or chicken broth and just recently chicken or beef bone broth.

What color reminds you of the week you've had so far? Blue.

Chinese or Mexican food? What's your favorite dish? Mexican. I like a shredded chicken chimichanga with beans, cheese, cilantro, onion, guac, and sour cream with gravy and cheese dip on the side for dipping or just the shredded chicken smothered in gravy and the other stuff on the side.

Have you ever seen a wolf in person? No.

Are you currently doing something else besides this survey? I'm watching Mrs. Doubtfire.

Do you get annoyed by repetitive questions? Yes.

What's the fastest you've ever driven? I don't drive.

Have you ever listened to Tim Mcgraw? Yeah, I know of and like a few of his songs.

What's the last thing you lit on fire? I don't mess around with fire.

Do you still watch American Idol? No, I stopped watching that a longgg time ago. Like at least 10 years ago or so.

What's your favorite things about life? God, my family, good books, good TV shows and movies, good food, vacations…

What is your favorite emoticon? shrug

When was the last time you had to replace the batteries in something? I don't remember.

Have you ever seen a street name that was funny or a town name? Yeah. I instantly thought of this scene in a Jackass episode where Johnny Knoxville goes to this town called Mianus and he keeps saying things like, "there's a little general store in Mianus." lol.

Do you like to watch anime? No.

Do you ever drink energy drinks? I like a Starbucks Doubleshot or Redbull now and then.

How many surveys have you created? One. It was yearssss ago and made on Xanga so it's gone.

Do you just enjoy taking them? That should be pretty obvious.

What type of cell phone do you own? Do you like it? An iPhone 12 Pro Max and yes.

What's your plans for the rest of the day? Well, it's almost 1AM, but I'm about to drink some chicken bone broth and eat half a turkey sandwich and then continue scrolling through Tumblr and/or doing surveys and finish watching Mrs. Doubtfire. I may watch some ASMR when the movie is over.

[icos-t]

Friend Break Up - 3

4 May 2023

I don't really like screaming into the void. But it seems that is what I have resorted to as of late. I have been regularly posting updates as to how my writing project has been going (to minimal fanfare) which is alright, I'm not trying to get famous from doing this, but I had hoped at least one member of the writing community would see this and offer some kind of encouragement or interest in the project. Ai ya yai...

oh well, I'm not doing this for the people anyway. I'm doing this for me. I guess I am trying to prove to myself that I can do something original for once in my life, but at this point, I just feel like a robot. Don't gete wrong, I like how much progress I've made with the story, but I don't think I'm happy about the way I'm going about it. At least this project is helping me slow down my own relative time bubble, at least a little bit.

I also suppose that me shouting at the void is basically just me trying to get some kind of attention. The lack of communication with anyone with whom I can share stuff with might be getting to me, but I might just not be able to notice it fully right now, but I do notice the small things, like the desire to show someone stuff and ask what they think.

I don't know how to properly make friends it seems. I always tend to get someone that isn't fully compatible with me, or someone I think is compatible with me wnds up just disappearing and doesn't talk to me anymore.

Am I really that bad of a friend? That I either bore people away or don't do enough to keep them there?

Why can't I seem to make friends that last? Are people that are compatible with me really that rare??? I guess that is one of the things I won't be able to find out.

Yayyyyy forever loneliness!

But no, some parts of this reasoning is unhealthy. A healthy conversation shouldn't feel like you constantly need to entertain others. There should ideally be an equilibrium where both individuals can talk but not bore or overwhelm each other, but I have no idea how to reach that equilibrium.

Idk

There are days where I'm just too many people at once. I can be the creepy one in the corner, the electro dancer in the middle of the dancefloor, the reserved one sitting in front of the tv, the geeky one talking about technology and software, the artistic one talking about how this and that makes me feel, and ughhhhhhh

There's no doubt that I am have ADHD. Could you imagine how mentally I'd be if I didn't have it?

And omfg why do I want ice cream so badly????

Why do my insides need to be so needy???

But yeah.. that's it, that's the ramble

Anyway, thanks for reading. Toodaloo, I need sleep, tomorrow is a long day to and from the doctor

[sebstanseabass]

Afterglow (A Bucky Barnes AU fan fiction) - Chapter 9

Afterglow chapters

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

CHAPTER NINE

For the first time in your life, you awoke in your own pool of sweat and with the fresh thoughts of Bucky as he managed to scoop you up with his strong lean arms and take you right then and there at the kitchen counter in your wild, vivid memory of dreams.

You blamed Nat for this. If it wasn't for her, you wouldn't even have inappropriate thoughts towards Bucky. Yes, you did notice his strong masculine exterior, jaw sharp as a killer's knife, body as strong as a boulder, and legs that could easily kill but did you have any thoughts on advancing towards him? No, absolutely not. He was Peter's stepbrother for crying out loud. But last night, something changed in the laws of physics. It was as if two resting bodies silently reacted to one another without a sudden force acting upon the two.

That morning, you didn't dare find out if Bucky was still in your apartment. You skipped your morning run and headed up towards the rooftop using the ladder right outside your window with a hot cup of coffee in your hand (which spilled a bit on the way up, by the way) and enjoyed the scent and sight of the dirtier part of New York City -- all its damp, cigarette covered pavements.

For the next few days, you saw no sign of Bucky. He hadn't been in the bar or in your apartment, as much as you wished he would stop by once in a while. But then, you would hear Peter talk to him on the phone every single night.

You never thought Bucky's lack of presence would start to bother you. It wasn't just the feelings of sudden desire you had for him but also the weird time you shared together -- as if you were just old friends catching up. You found it absolutely crazy how a lot of things just happened in the course of a day.

You wanted to ask Peter about Bucky's whereabouts, just a casual slip of "Hey, where's Bucky?" but you never dared to ask. So when Peter blabbed during a movie night that Bucky had been way too busy managing some business meetings, gatherings, and whatnots ever since he got back in the city, you were more than glad.

Nat had been coming to the bar every night ever since Tuesday, picking up extra shifts. She kept badgering you about Bucky this and Bucky that. She was one of the reasons why you couldn't keep Bucky out of your head. Her sudden long shifts at the bar wasn't only because she was so invested with your nonexistent dating life or, to her, a possibility of one with Bucky, but because she and Steve were secretly hooking up. Of course, she didn't tell you that. It's not like she needed to, anyway. It only took one sniff of Steve's strong scent on hers for you to find out.

Every passing day at the bar felt so slow and the same. The only thing that changed was Peter rejecting a drink on one Thursday night.

"Woah, what got your knickers on a twist?" You asked as soon as he approached the counter.

"I'm just not in the mood, y/n." He sighed. "Can I just have a glass of water, please?"

"Of course. Coming right up." You slid the glass of water on the counter towards him, your fingers drumming against the thick wood. "So, what's bothering you?"

He looked up at you with sulky eyes. "Oh god, you really are a bartender."

"And your best friend. So, what's up?"

He shook his head nothing, sipping the glass of water like a scotch.

His little act was unconvincing. Especially that he didn't try hard enough to conceal whatever he was feeling.

"Parker." You insisted. "Come on, what's up?"

"You see right through me, y/n."

"Don't flatter me too much," you rolled your eyes, "you're just easy to read."

But Peter was also stubborn as a bull. He wouldn't budge or give you any clue on what was bothering him. You thought that leaving him as you tended to other bargoers would eventually give him time to change his mind but you were proven wrong. It itched your brain that he wouldn't tell you whatever it was. You usually told each other everything. But then again, you haven't really been open with him with your growing desire for his stepbrother -- which, you hoped you never would, as you hoped all those feelings would eventually go away and keep it in a state of latency.

Peter stood by his ground, consuming no ounce of alcohol and keeping his mouth shut the rest of the night. You knew when to keep away from other people's business, even if it was your best friend's. You did try to make his evening lighter though, checking up on him and telling some old, classic bartender stories, seeing as he was clearly in an uncomfortable state but all he kept telling you was: "You're killing me, y/n. You're absolutely killing me."

You felt a heavy feeling on your chest with his surprisingly fierce tone. You urged him to go home after that, so he did.

"Dick." You mumbled after he left.

Nick walked towards the counter. "What's wrong with your roommate?"

"Wish I could tell you."

You and Nick have been getting along well despite you rejecting him. Nat kept telling you it was a way of manipulating you or some sort, to get you close to him but nothing has really happened ever since he asked you out. There wasn't a change in mood in the atmosphere, or even the way he treated you. Just some good colleagues working together.

The next night, Peter was more in the mood and even apologized to you for the way he behaved last night. "Now, for some great news."

"Does this mean you're having a drink?" You asked.

He nodded eagerly and patiently waited for his beer. Once he got his cold sip, he continued talking: "So, I've been really in a slump lately because I'm kind of lovesick. But then -- "

"Wait, what did you say?" You knitted your brows together, catching the last word he said. "Did you say lovesick? You son of a bitch, are you in love?"

"Language!" Out of nowhere, Steve yelled over the buzzing noises inside the bar. You snickered and he just gave you a look before he disappeared back into his office.

He is such a grandpa.

Peter chuckled. "To be honest, I have been for a very long time."

Your jaw dropped on the floor, ears all perked up, wanting to hear every detail of this. "And you never thought to tell me? Parker, I've been your best friend since forever. Why the hell wouldn't you tell me?"

"Because..." He trailed off, avoiding your stare. "It's not that big a deal."

"Okay, was this after that bitch Denise?"

"Actually, waaaay before that."

"Oh wow, that long, huh?" You replied. "Oh my god, is it someone we know from college? Shit, is it MJ?"

"No, it's not!" He replied. "And I'm not telling you who because I don't have actual plans on pursuing her." He sighed through his nose while taking a big sip of his beer. He brought down the bottle on the counter with a loud thud.

"So, it's a girl."

He grunted in reply.

You laughed. "So, why not pursue her?" You asked while multitasking. You handed a bowl of peanuts to the man beside Peter who was asking for it. "Is she taken? Does she have a boyfriend? A girlfriend?"

"No, she doesn't."

"So, why the hell not, Parker?"

You impatiently waited for an answer from Peter as it took him a couple of minutes to do so.

"Because I don't think it's a good idea. I don't think it will ever work." He answered, scratching the label on his beer bottle with much frustration. "I've thought about all the probabilities, but every single one of them ends the same."

"And what is that?"

"That it won't work out."

The thing about Peter was he never dive into things headfirst. Even though he was a dumbass, he was always a man of intellect who calculated everything in his head before committing to something.

"Why is it always statistics and probabilities and all that crap with you?" You let out an exasperated sigh. "What if for once in your life, follow your goddamn heart? You keep treating everything with a business mind. Go with what your gut tells you to do. Don't think too much about it because the heart wants what it wants, Parker."

Peter gazed at you for a few moments, perhaps finding the right words to say but he just shook his head and fought against his feelings. "I can't do it, y/n. I badly want to, like, it's already at the tip of my tongue. I badly want to tell her but I can't. I don't want to know what's gonna happen next. I'm just scared of what's gonna happen. I don't think I can take it."

As much as you wanted to convince him to go for the girl, you let it go. You've said what you had to say but it was always up to him whether he takes your advice or not. "So, what now?"

"Well now, I'm going to tell you the good news, the one you robbed me off when you batted in."

You rolled your eyes. "What's the good news, Parker?"

"Me and my colleagues will go on a corporate retreat for at least a week!"

You raised an eyebrow, writing a confused expression on your face. "How is this good news?"

"I'll be gone for a week, away from the city, away from my love problems and all that. I think it'll be good for me." Then, a smile started to form on his lips. "There, I'll leave all my worries behind."

"Parker, it's just a one-week corporate retreat, not a sabbatical." You grimaced, unimpressed with the whole thing. "You're not gonna get over this thing in just seven days."

"You don't know that." He scoffed. "I'll be a new man once I get back. You'll see."

"Sure." You replied, a hint of sarcasm laced in your tone.

"Oh, one more thing!"

"What, another corporate retreat?" You snickered, amused with all the clever remarks you were throwing at him. Peter, on the other hand, wasn't.

"No!" He gave you a look. "Bucky will look after you while I'm gone!"

Shock crossed your face. "Bucky?"

"Yes, me."

And on cue, a figure emerged behind Peter.

You were so bewildered with Peter's troubles that you hadn't noticed Bucky creeping up towards the counter. He was wearing what seemed like a navy blue tailored Hugo Boss suit, paired with a nice, sleek tie. His whole fit, illuminated by the iridescent lights made his blue eyes pop even more. Like last time, he opened up a button on his waist, tossed the end flaps in the air and sat down beside Peter on a high stool.

Watching him, you could feel the air around you tighten, paired with a clump of saliva caught in your throat. He placed his elbow on top of the counter and tucked his chin on his palm.

"B-bucky," you finally breathed, silently choking up on your own saliva, "hey, it's been quite some time."

"Hello, doll." The vowels on his words seemed to drop, accompanied by that rhythmic sound he usually does when he speaks. Oh god, one day with Bucky and I've already picked up on that, you thought. "Missed me?"

You felt some blood quickly rushing to your cheeks but you played it cool. "Don't flatter yourself, James." You pretended to get quite busy, wiping some clean glass off the counter then faced Peter. "So, what's this thing about Bucky looking after me?"

"Well, I'll be gone. You'll be alone. Bucky will look after you." Peter tried to "expound." "What's not adding up, y/n?"

You rolled your eyes at the two and scoffed, placing the glass on the counter. "No, thanks. It's just one week. I can take care of myself."

It was true. You once spent a two-week vacation all by yourself to California after high school and you came home in New Jersey without a scratch -- like a brand-new car. You walked around the place as if it was your turf, and blended in with the locals while basked in the glorious heat of the California sun.

"Bucky insisted." Peter chimed in defensively.

"Oh. Bucky insisted." You said, your gaze averting to Bucky's eyes. "Again, I appreciate the offer but I can handle myself. I'm not a baby."

Bucky, clearly amused with the whole situation, leaned back with careful eyes fixed on yours. "Come on, y/n, don't you want some company?"

"Aren't you busy with your company?" You retorted.

"Yes, I have been but not anymore." He replied. "Unless something comes up. A week without Peter must be somewhat lonely. Come on," he insisted once again, "it's also for me. It'll give me something to do for a week."

"Wait, what?"

"You guys could get to know each other better and get along!" Peter blurted. "And without me around, Bucky won't have someone to hangout with. Please, y/n? I'd feel so much better."

"Hang out? What are you guys, like sixteen?"

Your mind was still set on Bucky's last choice of words but you saved it for later.

"Pleaaaaseee?"

You sighed, knowing you could never refuse your best friend's pleas. "Fine."

"Great!"

"Just for the record," you said, holding up a finger, "I'm just agreeing because of Peter, not because I can't take care of myself."

Peter rolled his eyes while pulling out his phone from his pocket. "Yeah, yeah, you're an independent woman. Okay, I gotta take this call. I'll be right back."

And all then there were two: you and Bucky. While making two grasshoppers for a couple of girls who just entered, you could feel Bucky's intense stare towards you. Your mind, clouded with thoughts, wished it could tap into his and take a sly look at what was going on inside.

You locked eyes as soon as you handed the girls their drinks. Bucky wearing such a neat, tailored suit made you forget about all his child-like ways in Peter's countless stories. All you saw was a man favored by all the gods and at the same time sent by the devil to test you in so many ways imaginable. You wondered if he felt the same. Of course, you weren't like him or any other people carved perfectly by the gods, but his vehement stare said otherwise.

"Are you gonna order a drink?" You asked, breaking the silence, and also your train of thoughts.

"No." He replied. "I'm good."

"Okay."

Peter, where the hell are you?

"Hey, y/n?"

"Yes?"

"You look beautiful tonight."

A plain black tank top, paired with some old jeans, minimal makeup and this man just told you that you looked beautiful. "Well not just tonight. You've always been beautiful. I just hope you know that."

"Okay what has gotten into you? You're being... weird."

He shrugged. "I'm just stating facts."

You hummed, a look of confusion spread across your face. "Thank you, I guess. Y-you look good yourself. Very different from when I first met you." You chuckled.

"Well, I was naked the first time we met so yeah."

Peter got back from his phone call and for the whole night, you spent your time working your shift while Bucky and Peter moved on to play some billiards and darts as well. Nat kept shifting her eyes between you and Bucky and you just shrugged her off, flipping your middle finger on her in which she reciprocated.

The next day, Peter was all set for his corporate retreat, surprised he didn't need any help from me at all. You helped him with some of his bags towards the sidewalk ("Jesus, Parker, are you going out of the country?"). While you waited for his Uber to arrive.

"You better take care of yourself, Parker." You said, standing beside him on the side of the street. "I'm gonna miss you."

"Really? I'm gonna miss you too."

"Well, yeah, of course. You're like a little brother to me." You smiled, ruffling his brown locks even though he was taller than you.

He looked down on the pavement with a tight-lipped smile. "Right, right."

Smiling, you grabbed his hand and leaned your head on his surprisingly broad shoulders. "Come on, cheer up. You needed this, right?"

"Yes, I definitely do." He whispered. "More than you know."

A few seconds later, the Uber arrived. Before climbing in the black vehicle, you were pulled into Peter's embrace with a soft, fluttery kiss landing on your forehead. Taken aback, you just smiled at him and watched the car get tinier and tinier as it drove further.

You got back in the apartment and five minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Behind it was a smiling Bucky wearing some casual clothes. "Good morning, doll. Missed me?"

You rolled your eyes letting him inside the apartment. Closing the door behind me, you replied: "You've already used that line last night. Pick another one."

"Aw, you haven't heard the rest of it."

You went to the kitchen, grabbed some water from the fridge, and took a drink. "Which is?"

"Miss me, miss me, now you gotta kiss me."

With unsteady hands, you choked on your water and felt the liquid on your skin as soon as those words left Bucky's mouth. Great now I spilled the drink on my chest.

You turned around only to be faced by Bucky. "Now I gotta what?"

His laughter echoed in the kitchen as he backed away from you. "I'm just messing with you. So, what's for breakfast?"

He left you there standing flabbergasted, with some water dripping down your top and shorts, down to the floor. You bore your eyes into the back of his head as he turned on the television.

Bucky tilted his head towards you, eyed you up and down and finished it with a swipe of his tongue on his lower lip.

Oh, this was going to be a long week.

A long, agonizing week.

[eivorsjawline]

The Last Day

tw: mention of bloodshed, mental health struggles and alcohol.

*Not the last chapter dont worry, next will be last.

Chapter 9:

Eivor’s POV

I tend to reminisce on the past, my parents, Sigurd, the clan and the times when my family was whole. With the cold whip of the wind and the iridescent reflections in the sky, Norway will forever be my home. Even distant England holds a place within my heart as well as the family I built there. The answer to my hunger lies within myself and whether or not to go back to what I know or stay by the woman beside me. A choice between my honor and the person who I’ve grown to love the most. Though time keeps changing constantly, the recent past loops repeatedly in my head. These days I find myself staring at the walls, the ceiling and the emptiness around me. The dark realization that I have no purpose here, or do I? Life was peaceful but I missed the blade of my ax, I missed the bloodshed. I spent my whole life achieving greatness in what I knew, It was what I was bred for. There was an unspoken oath I took the day I was removed from my mother's womb.

A feeling of guilt always succeeded me, every passing day. What exactly I left behind and what the consequences would be. I have to remind myself that I would have died if It wasn’t for Y/n saving me. I understand now that the technologies that I have here were needed for my survival. Just herbs, alcohol and bandages wouldn’t have been enough to stop the life-threatening wounds I had. I was beaten, bruised and cut so badly I was nearly in a comatose state of mind. Even now, I still get flashbacks to that day and the fight. As a drengr, I’ve grown more and more cold to the idea of war and violence but there will always be something about that specific day. I can't seem to shake the feeling that it hasn’t ended and only more is to come.

Whilst I’ve been adjusting to modern life, I’ve turned to the bottle more times than I should. There have been days where I’ve fallen asleep on the couch, no recollection of even trying to get up yet I always wake up in bed with a blanket over my body. I can’t bear the thought of Y/n supporting me so I found honest work as a carpenter. With a few tweaks, I adjusted fine along with the help of co-workers and friends I made along the way. I feel I’ve become a shell of a being, the impact of everyday life burdens me. It’s not fun anymore, it's real and every day. The walk back home was loud and the people I found strange weren’t so odd anymore. I knew the truth within me, that I had become one of them too. I was almost always alone with my thoughts now that Y/n had started work again. Her hours tended to be late and tedious. She was the only thing keeping my sanity, everyday I drew a breath was for her. With the looks we shared, I wondered if she knew my real thoughts. My melancholic sulking was interrupted when a woman bumped shoulders with me and stopped me in my tracks. When I turned I recognized a familiar face waiting for me.

Reader’s POV

I was shocked when I came home, to say the least. The air was quiet, telling of the predicament I had placed myself in. I never thought I’d see Eivor and Valka sitting down together in my house. The silence was so loud, I couldn’t place my finger on exactly what but there was a feeling within me that knew why she was here. At first glance, she seemed unrecognizable but with a closer look, I recognized her right away. She looked almost the same with a more present-day twist to fit in. Faint freckles danced on her warm skin along with the intensity of her usual solemn expression. Her hair was pulled back and her eyebrows were as thick and beautiful as I remembered. She wore a light tan dress, she would never stray too far from her traditional taste. Valka wouldn’t have come this far for anything, a gut-wrenching feeling consumed me. I placed my belongings on a table near me and the three of us gathered around one another, the silence eating me alive.

“I want to make this as straightforward and honest as possible. We needed you then like we need Eivor now. Without you, Eivor would indefinitely no longer be with us. Ever since Eivor’s absence, the Danes and Saxons have grown only more divided.”

You could cut the tension in the room with a knife. Eivor had a worrisome look on her face, one that I had never seen before. Her eyes roamed around the room as If looking for some sort of distraction, maybe even a way out. I kept her sheltered here all this time and even though I’ve enjoyed every moment I still carry around a lot of guilt with me. The fact that I removed her from all that she knew tore me apart from the inside every day no matter how necessary. Perhaps, Eivor was meant to die there that day and her people’s fate was meant to be sealed. The realization that I could be in the process of ultimately changing the past suddenly struck me. Valka had more to say, a proposal I presumed to be made.

“If my visions are correct, Eivor is the key. My most recent discovery is that time changes throughout different realities and dimensions. It has been only a short amount of time for the both of you but It’s been years for us. Time passes slowly when maneuvering into the future but faster into the past.”

Everyone I met from the clan, I caused Eivor to completely leave them in the dark for years. I didn’t want to admit it but I knew exactly what Valka was getting at. These were Eivor’s last days with me if not the last day. As much as it pains me, she belongs in the past and I belong here. I screwed with time too much already, there are now two people out of place in the world. It’s almost as if Valka is an extraterrestrial being with the powers she holds and her ability to jump in between dimensions as if it were nothing. She had a natural aura about her almost like she could fit in anywhere she went and no one would have any suspicions. I've walked by Eivor’s side this entire time and I can't say the same for her. The road has been difficult and long, I can only imagine the toll it’s taking on her health.

The meeting with Valka was brief until she pulled only Eivor aside to talk to. I figured it wasn’t my business anyway since I was only one part of the story. As nosey as I was, I still tried to hold my breath to listen to their conversation but only whispers and mumbles could be heard. From the side of my peripheral vision, I saw Eivor and she looked stressed beyond all means. She was safe here and content whether she was happy or not and now she has one of the greatest burdens on her shoulders to deal with. A lump formed in my throat, I worried if there was still love between us at least on her end but it could just be my insecurities eating at me. For all, I know this is Eivor’s chance to be done with me and only I to be forgotten. Oh, but I could never forget her or the moments we share. Valka’s footsteps could be heard coming towards me as she came to say her farewells. When I stood up from my seat to make formal eye contact with her, I noticed her posture was straight and confident. I decided to keep my distance because I knew that I grew some sort of attachment to Valka as well. Not much could be said on my end, the decision is up to Eivor only.

Valka left and with her absence, the room grew eerily quiet. I couldn’t face Eivor, just seeing her face made me upset and wrapped in a whelm of emotions. Whenever the world became too much I always escaped outside. Like a coward, I ran towards the sliding door near the back of my apartment trying to hide my oncoming tears that were building up. The rays of the sun hit my skin and the sunset shone down on my face leaving a warm feeling on my cheeks. Tears started to roll down my face and I wiped it off with my shirt sleeve leaving a mess of a damp spot on the fabric. I felt selfish for crying, selfish because I never wanted someone all to myself so badly before. Being alone with my thoughts just caused me to feel them even more intensely, I allowed myself to be consumed by them. Suddenly, I heard what I knew was Eivor’s footsteps shuffling towards me. Quickly, I dried my tears and composed myself within a short time before Eivor stood close behind me.

“You don't have to hide it, I already can tell.”

I've had this moment a thousand times, the one where I try to look like I haven’t just bawled my eyes out. It never fails to completely embarrass me every time. When I turned around I noticed the sun beamed on her skin perfectly and every feature on her face could be seen clearly. She had her hair down, a relaxed look presuming she just got home not too long ago. Her eyebrows were pursed together as if she was studying me and trying to figure out what was on my mind. Eivor was like my guardian angel, always following me through my misfortunes and being my number one support. Truth be told, even if she went I was scared for her and if she could make it through this one. Her wounds were completely healed at this point, but I knew the damage it leaves on the mind is forever permanent.

She pulled me closer to her and wiped the wet spot on my cheek with her thumb. In her eyes, I could tell she was worried whether she admitted it or not. At the moment I catch her off guard her true feelings always show on her face and as soon as her eyes met mine she switched them off. I wanted to be honest with her and tell her my true feelings, how I felt about this situationship we involved ourselves in. My feelings had grown so strong since I met her and I realized I never once told her those three words. The more I tried to force words out of my mouth the more I felt the urge to cry again. Sure enough, tears started to fall down my eyes and my body kept telling me to let go of everything. Eivor brought me tightly into her chest and wrapped her arms around me, reluctant to release me. I heard her say something, mumbling under her breath. When I asked for reassurance as to what she said, she didn't hesitate or move.

“I love you.”

Eivor’s POV

The burden that's been placed upon my shoulders is a heavy one but I’m willing to face it. If I die going back I know that I’ll go in peace and with honor. Though it may have taken some time, I feel that Y/n understands that as well. Not to the degree that a drengr would but to the best of her abilities. She tried her best for me and I devote myself to trying my best for her. I was unsure of a lot of things in my life, but I knew no matter where this life led me that I wanted her there by my side. The sunlight was dying but the night was still young. Knowing it would be our last night here, we decided to savor it together. We did what we do best by getting wine drunk and cranked the volume on the speakers up so loud without a care of who was trying to sleep. The frown that was on her face earlier turned into smiles and laughs as she watched me attempt to dance. I always felt like I could have fun with her and be myself, not so serious all the time. She was a lightweight compared to me, already stumbling a little. Seeing her let loose was cute and showed me a side of her I haven’t seen before. I leaned in closer to her, truth be told she was looking extra sweet tonight. Her beauty was effortless and she didn’t even have to try to turn me on.

“Let me see you dance, I love to see you dance… Take you down another level and get you dancing with the devil.”

I placed my hands on her hips and she wrapped her arms around my shoulders. I did my best to lead her and sway with the music and It seems I was doing a good job once her cheerful eyes turned into a sultry spark. I pushed my torso closer to her, leaving that space between us no longer. A thousand intrusive thoughts crossed my mind, the most alluring one being that I could die right here and be happy. It’s the feeling moments before making love that is my favorite. My hands started to trace the outline of her body and my mind started to piece together what she looked like underneath the fabric from fond remembrance. Everything that brought me to her was worth it along with every obstacle in between. She leaned in to whisper in my ear and her voice had a noticeable nervous tremble.

“Take me with you…”

Reader’s POV

I said goodbye to everything I knew for the last time, this time the choice is mine willingly. Just a few months ago I would have never thought I’d be here and on my way to the place where it all happened. Where I met the love of my life and my impending future, the events that were to take place. The temperatures dropped so low at night, the bite of the cold felt bitter on my skin. Foolish me, I never take a cover-up anywhere I go. Luckily Eivor was close by and wrapped her jacket around me due to me being visibly upset by the weather. The cold never bothered her, I could feel the heat radiating from under her body when she hovered her arms over my shoulders to place her jacket. The stones were so close yet we hadn’t dared move within their reach. If I was to be honest with myself, I was nervous to go back. Perhaps, they would be upset with me for leaving so suddenly and taking Eivor along with me. It felt like just yesterday I was in England waiting for Eivor’s return by the ship dock.

Something within me felt like I was making the right decision and that this is the fate that was meant for me all along. Regardless of how twisted and strange it may be, I was ready. The entire time being here, Eivor constantly griped and moaned about how she missed home. For once, she was quiet. I always loved how expressive she tended to be with her face, studying everything like a hawk. She needn’t say much, I could tell what she was thinking about. Anxiety, sadness, and excitement all meshed together forming an array of emotions.

Eivor was a step ahead of me, venturing into the stone's embrace as I followed just behind her. Time seemed to pass more slowly, if not coming to a complete end. Throughout this whole experience, I realized that time wasn’t real. The people, the cultures and the history of the past all lived harmoniously with the present. It didn’t feel like I was traveling through time itself but rather visiting a different distant place on the same Earth. Families, lovers and enemies just the same as what we have today. Eivor’s hand met mine and there we held them together. The outline of the scars on the skin of her forehand and all that she endured in her life, a beautifully written story on her body could be felt. Eivor whispered something in her mother's tongue, something I couldn’t understand.

We both kneeled with our backs towards a tall large stone, huddled together with a cold and eerie feeling in the air. Eivor wrapped her arms around mine and we let whatever happened to be just that. I felt safe no matter where this life took me, I knew Eivor would be near. I was ready to live the remainder of my life with her in the past. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I thought of what our life was going to be like together and what our future held. Daydreams and fantasies that I wonder if she too thought of. Passing through a time portal was invisible, you could never really tell if you traveled or not. Something between reality and falsity merged, undetected by the universe itself. I closed my eyes and laid my head to rest in the crook of Eivors shoulder, letting my mind go blank.

[spellthemoon]

THAT WINTER

Mark Tuan x Reader. Angst.

***

Winter, 2019

Today, there was a rude customer. She treated me like i'm her servant. I really wanted to scream but i bit my tongue to keep being professional. It wasn't a good day but i'm finally in my room wearing my pajama. I hope tomorrow will be a better day. How's your day, Mark?

-

Today i went to a cafe alone. It was so comfortable. But there's a couple sitting in front of me. They looked so cute. It made me miss you more. How are you, Mark?

Spring, 2019

I'm so sad now. I fight my with friend. I caught her boyfriend holding hands with another girl and i told her but she didn't trust me. She said i should mind my own business. Am i wrong?

Summer, 2019

I feel so lonely these days. I feel like everyone is leaving me one by one. You too.

Winter, 2020

After a long tiring day, the thought of writing an email for you is enough to give me strength through the day. I know you're not going to reply. Maybe you will not even read my emails. Well, do you even still use this email? Regardless, please allow me to use this email to talk to you. This is the only way to reach you and it's enough for me. Anyway, how's the weather in LA?

Summer, 2020

Why did you leave me without a word?

-

I miss you. Please come back to me. I miss you so much.

Winter, 2020

Mark, how's your day? I hope you're healthy and doing well. Mark, Mark Tuan. The name i really miss to call. The name that brings me smile and tears.

Mark, i'm sorry for everything. If you read all my emails, i must be look so pathetic to you. It's been two years but i keep doing this. I didn't understand why you left just like that. I didn't understand why you cut me off just like that. Even when i can finally meet you, i will not ask any question. From now on, i'll just accept it. Now i know what i need is not an answer. What i need the most is acceptance. I'll accept that we have to parted ways like this. I'll accept the fact that we already ended. I'm sorry it took me two years. I'll stop what i've been doing for the past two years. Goodbye, Mark. I'm sorry..

***

It's been two months since you stopped send any email to him again. It's still hard for you because you used to do that whenever you need someone to listen to you about what you feel. You can't tell anyone else but him. You used his inbox as your own diary and now you decided to close it forever. So much questions are still lingering on your mind. Why he left you without a word when the two of you didn't even fight? What kind of mistake you did to be left alone just like that? How could you heard it from anyone else? Leaving you like a fool. Why did he treat you like you didn't exist? Why did he has to hurt you like that?

Day by day, the questions are on your mind. You keep thinking about it every single night for the whole two years. Your heart is broken into pieces and you can't even cry anymore. But right now, you decided to close all the feelings and memories. It's time to accept the fact that someone whom you love has dumped you. He abandoned you. You have to accept it so you heart will be in peace.

You started with the emails and deleting all the pictures you have with him. You throw away his clothes from your closet. You still have a hard time to erase all the memories of him from your mind but you do it little by little. You tried to not have any grudge, you tried to only remember him as a good person, as someone you once loved. You do that for your own good. So, you won't be living your life in vain. So, you can fully accept it and start your day with the new you. You, who stop hoping for someone who doesn't want to be on your side.

***

You decided to have a night walk on your way home. It's the end of winter season so the wind still feels so cold but not freezing. You love it this way. Winter is your favorite season although it brings some an odd feelings to you. Winter is the season when you feel so lonely the most but it's also the season that makes you calm.

You enjoyed the night breeze and walked slowly. It's how you relieve the stress through the day. You feel refresh again. You looked up to the sky and really appreciated the moon that gives the light to your night.

You just looked around the streets and the branches that soon will have a beautiful flower. The night was so more beautiful than usual. It was when you see a really familiar figure about five meters from you, you stopped your step. Your whole body was malfunctioning in second. You were in the verge of crying when you thought that you're just hallucinating. You can't trust your own eyes. The person who also looked at you without a sound, took his step closer to you.

When you saw Mark moved forwards from his place, you took a step back. Three more steps back when he took another step to you. You wanted to scream at him, telling him to stop but you can't even open your mouth.

Mark hesitated to take another step when he saw you took a step back. His heart was pounding crazily. His hands were so cold. It's so hard for him catch a breath. Mark kept move forwards to get closer to you. He took other steps more confidently when you stayed at your place. He could see your expression and he felt like someone just throw a big punch to his chest.

"It's been a while." He said when he's already in less than one meter from you.

***

You couldn't avoid the situation even though you wanted to escape from this so badly. You were so confident that you already forgetting everything about him but it's all crushed when he's here, sitting next to you at the park in winter night. You couldn't even look at his face because you're afraid that you'll cry like a mess. You don't want that. He's no one, right now.

"How are you?" Mark started the conversation carefully. He looked at you who still avoiding to look at him.

"I'm good." You said. You tried to show him that you don't want a further conversation even though you still have all the questions of why he left on your mind. But you buried those deep inside your heart. It's over already.

"I'm here just to see you."

You really didn't know what to answer. You just wanted to run away from this situation so you just stayed quiet. You didn't care about his reason why he wanted to see you. At least you tried to convince yourself that you don't care anymore.

"I want to explain anything. For what i did two years ago." Mark said in a calm manner.

How could he? How could he's so calm like that when he knows he crushed your heart two years ago.

You hold back your tears. You have promised yourself you will not cry because of him again. You will not let yourself hear a word from him. Not after two years.

"You don't need to. It's already two years ago." You said, still didn't look at him.

"But i still​ think i have to explain everything to you. I want..."

"And i think i have a right to not want to hear it, don't you think so?" You cut him off and raised your voice intentionally.

"I always read your emails." Mark's words made you close your mouth. "I.. i always waited for your email. Everytime."

Now he made you more confused than before. You don't understand his mind at all. "What are you saying?"

Mark looked down because the guilt feelings attacked him strongly. He suddenly couldn't face you. He deserves tha hatred look from your eyes.

"I needed to go back to LA because of family matters. My parents needed me to be there."

"I said i don't want to hear it." You stood up and ready to walk away from him but Mark hold your hand.

He let go of your hand when he realized that it feels so strange to hold your hand after two years.

"Please. Please let me explain everything. I know it won't change anything but please give me time to tell you what happened." Mark pleaded.

"I didn't tell you anything and just left you without saying anything was because i was so scared that i wouldn't have a guts to leave. I was so scared that i would abandoned​ my family for you. I was scared if i came to you before i go back, i wouldn't be able to leave." Mark finished his words and gasping. He didn't​ let you cut his words. "Reading your email always saddened me but it kept me working hard to settle my family matters so i can come back to here. To you. You suddenly stop sending email for months and i was so worried."

Now you can look at Mark's eyes. He got teary eyes just like you. But you won't let a single tear falls.

"You did those things for yourself, right? But did you ever think about me? For how broken i was? We were just talking at night and suddenly you're gone in the morning and left me with nothing." You're out of breath. "I was worried like a mad woman, did you know that? When your friend told me that you're going back to LA, did you know how confused i was? And now what? You said you read my emails? You wait for it?" You let out a hurtful laugh. You're so sure people nearby can hear how thick the sadness you have in your voice.

"Mark, you didn't​ just broke my heart as a girl. You broke me as a person." You took a deep breath. You have to finish this fast because you feel like you'll throw up. Your head is so hurt. "For the past two years, i can't sleep peacefully. I feel so lost. I keep asking myself what did i do to you. When i decided to stop send you an email was because i wanted to forget everything about you. I'm almost there. It's no use to explain everything to me right now. It's too late, Mark."

You hope Mark will stop because you can't handle anything anymore. Him explaining everything to you is like reminding you to the wound that almost healed.

Mark couldn't say anything because he heard you. He heard how your voice was so hoarse and how your face was full of sorrow and frustration. Mark knew he's selfish. He hurts you twice. When he left you, he was only thinking about himself and now when he came to you after two years, he's only thinking about himself too. If Mark was someone else, he'd make sure to punch himself hard on the face.

Mark could not even call your name when you turned your back and walked away from him. He was looking at your back with regrets.

[julies-butterflies]

Honestly, your writing reminds me a lot of the buffyverse. Just the perfect balance of humor and sadness and romance and heart that just feels like a vivid window into the world you've created.

God the Body...the best forty minutes of television I may never watch again. I've rewatched Willow and Tara's kiss (because I'll adore them forever), but just...the weight of it. It took me a full month to work up the nerve to watch the episode, to be ready to cry that much.

What you said about not wanting people to suffer, because of your work...It's never once felt like that for me. And I've cried a LOT while reading your work. I'll try to explain it the best I can

Grief can be so isolating, and disorienting. Your world goes topsey-turvey, supports you took for granted go flying into the abyss and suddenly it's a minefield of those glass shards. And no one's grief is identical. No two circumstances are the same. It's not possible for anyone else to know exactly how you feel, because no two hearts break alike.

Sometimes, it's because people just don't understand. Sometime's it's because they no longer want to. But some days, that feeling of aloneness can be crushing.

Then one night, I stumbled upon Let These Shadows Fall Away Like Dust. That one hit me way harder than I was ever expecting. The question of how to grieve the living, the dilemma on when forgiveness is deserved...Alex's anger, his devestation, the rawness of it all....That's my broken glass. Those are concepts I've been struggling for over a year. I'm still picking up pieces every day.

I sobbed, because it was such a relief. To see the feelings that had been scrambled up in my mind just reflected there, on my screen. The reminder I had desperately needed, that I was not alone. That even though my circumstances were different, I was not the only one trying to unravel those messy emotions.

Then again, I also read your deathfic for fun, so maybe I'm not the best judge of this. I tend to like angst. I tend to get a lot of "WHY WOULD YOU MAKE IT THAT SAD" in group chats :D

Please don't feel any pressure to respond to me quickly or anything. I never mind the wait. I'm so sorry for the rough times. Wishing that you and your family gets whatever you need to help ease your storm. Sending love and support as well.

(sorry for all the metaphors. I'm super sleepy and apparently, I resort to purple prose when tired lol)

I know exactly what you mean about Emily. I understand why people don't like her, but I just love to see her written as such a grey character. It's just so much more powerful when the love is so clearly there.

I mean, that's what a tragedy is, really. Love cut short. Grieving a future that could have been everything, if fate had not been cruel. I don't know if you know musical theater, but I like to think about the Barber and His Wife, from Sweeney Todd: the whole tragedy of that show, is that they were happy all together, and then permanently broken. How their paths keep crossing, but they never connect to heal. Never lost, but never found.

And that's the tragedy of Luke and Emily: too stubborn and too late. You find that grey area, the messiness so well, and just bring it all out so wonderfully. You do the same with Bobby/Trevor, ESPECIALLY in the horror and the wild. God, that absolutely devestated me. I'm not a big fan of horror in general, and I haven't explored the genre that much but...if all horror is like yours then DAMN, I might just have to become a fan.

This got super long (lol) so I'll wrap it up now but! THE SIC FIC QUEENS TOGETHER???? When I tell you I lost it.... all too well Bobby and what you've lost reggie in the same story are killing me. I am hooked and incredibly hyped. Loved both updates so far, and cannot wait to see where the story goes!

Oh yeah and I forget: I have to ask, do you have a fan cast of the one, the only, the incredible Keith Richards? (and that goblin is so cute!!! I really want to pet the blood thirsty monster. So badly)

Love, your totally-not-undead-pen-pal, :D

-Vampire Anon

Know musicals? Vampire Anon my beloved, I am a musical theatre bitch. Take a look at my high school graduation cap! (Anastasia is my favorite musical... something about the themes of home, love, and family, the idea of always finding a place in the world even after enduring incredible hardship, that anything is survivable with faith and love in your heart... I'm also a Romanov history bitch, and Christy Altomare is such an incredible talent and human being.) Literally, talk to me about musicals anytime!

And yeah, I definitely see your metaphor... the tragedy of The Barber and his Wife was how close they came to each other throughout the whole show, existing within reach the entire time, after being separated for so long. But it wasn't the same; it never could be. Time and trauma had changed them both into something unrecognizeable, and when they came face-to-face, they could only hurt each other. At a certain point, the ghosts of your past are meant to stay ghosts. Sure, you might want them back more than anything --- but what would it mean? What would you truly be getting back?

Luke's "back", of course, and he comes home to visit his parents multiple times... but they're not the same people he left. They're older, greyer, changed by grief... while he's just the same. A snapshot forever frozen in time, a memory crystalized in amber. You can't hold memories in your hands. You can't pull them close and refuse to let them go. Eventually, they'll slip away... and to Mitch and Emily, a memory is all their son is, now. That's what's so heartrending about the situation we see in the show, especially --- so much love still exists between all of them, but it has no place to go.

Okay, sorry, it's 3am here and I'm rambling too, haha --- mentioning musical theatre was a mistake.

I'm so glad my stories have been able to connect with you, especially 'shadows' --- that one resonated with a lot of people, more than I ever realized it would. It's not the most personal story to me... but definitely one that needed to be told, and the emotion in it... hits home for a lot of people. It means so much to me knowing that story, and Alex's internal struggle, has made people feel less alone.

I think I'm going to have a hard time looking back on that one, though. We were staying at my aunt's house for the weekend where I wrote most of it; I read a few excerpts to her, and she said she liked it. She was always interested in my writing... I kind of wish I'd gotten the chance to share more of it with her.

Like you said. Grief's a funny thing. Disorienting, relentless, and crushing.

Please just remember, though --- whatever you're dealing with, you're not alone. You don't have to cut yourself on those broken pieces... one day, you'll wake up, and realize you feel whole again. It will never feel the same, and the pain will always be there... but healing around it is what makes us stronger. You don't owe anyone your forgiveness; it's okay to grieve when you've lost something, regardless of whether death has taken them from you. Grief doesn't have to be earned, it simply has to be felt.

You'll be stronger for it, in the end. I'm sorry you've been hurting so much.

Anyways! Oh gosh! On to lighter, happier topics! Please tell me...

What are your favorite fics? (Like, my fics, obviously, which fics of mine do you just go gaga over? Please praise me or else my ego will shrivel like a worm on hot pavement.) No, okay, I'm kidding --- what are your top fics for this fandom? Like, what are the ones that really resonate with you, that you could read over and over? The JATP fandom has so many greats, but I'm always drawn back to Some Killer Queen You Are by pearlcaddy (buffyverse meets jatp!! iconic!!), Lantern's Light by thefairhero (literally the SOFTEST reggie), the sky's not empty tonight by firefall (just... devastating and beautiful in a dozen ways), and literally anything by foundfamilyvevo.

How long have you been in the JATP fandom? Who are your favorite characters? What's your favorite JATP song?

And finally, most importantly... what are your favorite musicals?

(also... since u asked... behold keith richards and tremble)

[smilesbag]

haikyuu manga spoilers if you haven't read it

but i think about this moment a lot, specifically takeda's quote "this is also volleyball." i have played volleyball competitively for the last 11 years of my life, i've played year round on club teams, i was a 4 year varsity player in high school, and i made the choice to focus on academics rather than pursue it in college.

i'm so much sadder than i thought i would be.

playing so much, i've certainly won, but i've also lost. a lot. tough games, games against friends, games that i just wanted so badly that hearing that final whistle, having to give high fives and walk off the court brought angry and frustrated tears to my eyes. i've also been injured, had to sit out whole games because of fucked up ankles, felt the moment in the match where i know i just hurt some part of myself, be it a finger, a knee, another ankle, god forbid, and i knew i would have to leave the court.

volleyball has been one of the defining loves of my life, but it also hurts. i've been a 6 rotation outside hitter and captain in most of my teams for the last 5 years, and you want more than anything to be an anchor for your team. i don't want to leave the court because they are supposed to be able to count on me. to send me the set when the rally is getting long and we just really need a point. they need me to help cover serve receive when the other girls are having bad days. even on days where it seems like i keep getting blocked, or i keep shanking passes, they trust me. they give me the ball anyway. which is why having to step off of that court feels like an arrow straight to my heart and my pride. it feels like i've just completely failed, because once i'm off that court i can't touch the ball.

now that's all how i feel about volleyball, but we know hinata lives and breathes the sport. he puts in endless hours of practice, devotes all of his heart and mind and time to the sport, and wants nothing more than to keep playing it, forever. overexerting himself to the point where he has to leave the game is the absolute worst thing, in this moment, that could happen to him. he is broken and devastated and still desperately clinging to his assertion that he isn't injured, he can still play.

and takeda, their coach takeda, who knew nothing about volleyball and still promised to coach these boys. who begged and begged ukai to join, who fought to earn them practice matches and served as their unwavering motivation throughout the series. takeda has to do the hardest part of coaching, which is telling hinata, his kid, who he has grown to love, that it just can't work out this time. that he has to stop playing volleyball.

takeda says "this is also volleyball." because he needs hinata to use this as a learning moment, as fuel for the next time he is well enough to step onto the court, or else it could shatter him completely. takeda says "this is also volleyball." because the game has never been about height or experience or knowledge, hinata started with none of those and he still managed to make it to nationals, to the biggest stage available to him. volleyball is a game of heart, and hinata is bursting at the seams with that. "this is also volleyball," because hinata is strong enough to not let this set him back or damage his love for the sport. hinata is strong enough to trust his team and do what is best for them in this moment, even if it breaks his heart to do so.

takeda tells hinata that yes, volleyball is jumping and spiking and miraculous receives, volleyball is celebrating with your team, late night practices and early morning workouts, years of practicing alone in the corner of gyms, finding community, finding family. volleyball is love, volleyball is like breathing, like waking up in the morning, like opening your eyes. but "this is also volleyball." volleyball hurts. sometimes you lose. sometimes you get sick. it's about knowing when to take a step back and regroup, rather than letting your own wants and desires get in the way of the teams success.

hinata loves volleyball but takeda loves hinata, loves him fiercely. he has seen him grow from an eager kid who didn't really know anything beyond the very basics of the sport into a player that is constantly surprising people and doing what others thought was impossible. it is because takeda loves hinata so much that he has to look into his teary eyes, hold his hands and tell him, "this is also volleyball." this is just one more thing that you must overcome. this is just one more wall in front of you that you have to figure out how to get around. and really, after all this time, what's one more summit? "figure out how to win."

and because hinata loves takeda right back, he grits his teeth, and thinks about his next move.

[imaginejamesandsirius]

hey! so, i love your work, literally im in love with your stories, i think I've read them all like 7 times. I don't know if you are ok with trans characters, but trans sirius comming out to james, (they are already dating) and james being kinda confused at first becouse, how is the relationship supposed to keep going? and at the end he is ok with it, angs and fluff please:))) sorry if i had any mistakes, English is not my first language:)

((A/N: Warning for some transphobia!!! James is trying his best but has a reaction that’s kind of transphobic because he’s never dated anyone that’s trans. He works through it during the fic, but if that’s something that might bother you, you might want to consider skipping this one))

"So," Sirius said. 

"So," James echoed. They'd agreed to talk about sex before trying anything. It sounded adult and healthy, and not like anything James had done before. Most of his relationships had started with sex. First time doing anything with a bloke had been because he sneaked out of school one night and found a queer pub. He'd been too young to be going, obviously, but he'd gotten his first kiss there. He hadn't been out to his parents by the time they passed, so his relationships had exclusively been late night encounters and illicit meetings-- not so illicit the older he got, but it had never been open until he started dating Sirius. "I'm- I mean, I'm pretty much up for anything. I've never been really picky. I'm... ready whenever you are, basically." 

"Right." Sirius chewed on his lip a little, turning that over in his head. "I should- erm, I guess I should tell you that I'm. Erm. I'm trans. So. Y'know. There's some things I won't be comfortable doing. And er. I know that's a deal-breaker for some people. If it is for you, you should tell me now." 

James blinked. "Oh. Er. I don't- er." 

Sirius looked a little crestfallen but tried to cover it. "Yeah. I kind of expected that. It's fine. I should- I guess I'm going to go." 

He started to stand, but James stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Don't- I mean- I just." He clamped his mouth shut so he didn't keep stuttering. He took a deep breath. "Can I think about it? I've only ever dated... I mean, you're pretty much the first person I've ever dated. And I've only ever shagged- well, people with dicks, you know?" 

Sirius nodded. 

James dropped his hand, and Sirius straightened the rest of the way. "I just need some time to think about it." 

"I can give you a couple days, but James... I'm not going to wait around forever. Either you're alright with it or you're not." 

"A couple days is fine," James hurried to say. "That's all I'll need. Thank you." James stood and gave him a quick kiss and flash a smile that was weakly returned-- he didn't want for Sirius to think that he didn't like him anymore. "I'll call you, alright?" 

Sirius gave a small nod, then he left. 

James threw himself onto the couch. He couldn't do this by himself. He was an utter dumbarse; he knew this. He needed outside help. Remus was trans so he'd be able to see Sirius's point of view on this, but James didn't want to inflict this conversation on him. Remus had another shite to deal with without having to walk James through his insecurities. That left Peter. Peter was probably the better choice since he was the one dating Remus. James reached out and grabbed his phone. 

"Hello?" 

"Hey Pete. I need some advice." 

"You're asking me for advice? Bloody hell, the sky must be falling. Alright. What is it?" 

James opened his mouth to say 'so Sirius is trans and I could use some advice since I'm bollocks at this dating thing and am only good at sex but it turns out that what I know isn't going to help me any' only to stop cold. He couldn't tell Peter that Sirius was trans. There were rules about this sort of shite. "Nevermind." 

"Okay-?" 

James hung up on him. He'd apologise later. Who the hell was he going to talk to? He couldn't talk to anyone that had met Sirius, but he still needed someone he was close enough with that he could talk about this sort of thing with them. He scrolled through his contact list. Lily. Bloody hell, that's right; Lily was back in the country. She'd gone to the States for a few years to study, and they were supposed to meet up for tea this weekend to catch up before she went back. He didn't want to wait until the weekend to talk about this though, so he hit call. 

"Hey James. Canceling on me?" 

"I wouldn't dare. I was hoping for some advice, actually." That she wouldn't have a chance to meet Sirius before she left made this better, because it wouldn't be retroactive outing or summat. 

"From me? This should be good." 

"Well- maybe advice isn't the right word. Someone to talk to? See, I've started dating someone, and he's trans." 

"Alright. And?" 

"And now I'm worried about sex." 

"A vagina isn't a buggering goblin, Potter." 

James rolled his eyes. "I'm well aware, thank you." 

"Then what's the problem?" 

"I don't know how to... do anything with those parts. Comparatively, penises are much easier to understand." 

"I'm sure they are, but you like this bloke don't you?" 

"'Course I do. If I didn't, I wouldn't be worrying about this. Listen, Lils, I know this is kind of shitty. I like him and what he's got in his pants shouldn't effect that at all." 

"It shouldn't," Lily agreed. "Has it?" 

James frowned as he thought about it. "I don't think so." 

"Well you're not a total shit-head, that's a point in your direction. Listen mate, you're only going to work past this if you talk to your boyfriend about it. For all you know, he doesn't want you to touch him there, anyways. I can't give you catch-all advice for how to have sex with him because I don't know what he wants. Just- be honest. Open." 

"Tell him I need a fucking step-by-step for how to have sex?" 

"Yes," Lily said. Her tone was free of judgement. Straight and to the point. Yes, James needed to say that to him-- probably with those exact words. 

"That's embarrassing," James muttered. 

"How? It's not wrong to admit when you need help. Besides, it'll be less embarrassing for you to admit you don't know what you're doing than try to muddle through it and have someone get upset. Or hurt, depending on how badly you bugger up." 

"For fuck's sake, I'm not going to hurt him." 

"Maybe not intentionally, but if you don't talk to him, that might end up happening." 

"I hate it when you're right." 

"Do you? Me being right only helps you these days." 

"Yeah, yeah," James muttered. "Thanks for the help, Lils, I'll think about it." 

"Mmhmm." 

"I'll see you Saturday, yeah?" 

"Yep. Have a good time agonizing over this." 

"You're such an arse." 

"Yep," Lily said again. "You can agonize over that too, if it'll make you feel better. Good luck." 

They both hung up, and James sighed. He knew this wasn't going to be a problem. He knew he'd be able to get past it. The trouble was in getting his emotions to sort themselves out. He knew, with one hundred percent certainty, that in the end, this didn't really matter to him. But he couldn't get that through his fucking head. 

He didn't know what he was doing, here. He had no idea how to do normal relationships, and he'd thought that was as far as not-knowing-what-he-was-doing that he was going to get in this relationship. He'd figured that sex was going to be the part of this that he was actually good at. 

Fuck, that's what was tripping him up, wasn't it? It's not that Sirius was trans-- which, thank God, James didn't really want to be an asshole and Sirius definitely didn't deserve it from him-- it was that James had lost the only good thing he was bringing to this relationship. He couldn't guarantee Sirius a good time-- not at first, at least-- and now it felt like... nothing. It felt like he had nothing. Nothing to offer, nothing to give. Except for the mess of a person that he was, that is, but that wasn't exactly a high value. 

*

"I'm a mess," James said into his phone. He was laying down on the couch because it was easier to talk about the hard shit like that-- maybe those therapist couches had the right idea. 

"...Okay?" Sirius said. 

Yeah. Maybe not the best opening he'd ever had. "Wow, yeah, should've started differently. Sorry. Restarting," James declared. "Hi, Sirius, how are you?" 

"Fine?" 

"You don't sound too sure about that." 

"My boyfriend said he needed time to think about our relationship and then he calls me acting like maybe he's not alright. So... I am fine, but I'm not sure you are." 

James winced. He was buggering this up; was anyone surprised? "Right. Sorry. I'm fine, that's why I called. Or- I guess it would be more honest to say that I've realised I'm not fine but that's okay?" 

"...Er. Alright. How about you just say what you planned on and I'll figure out what you mean from there." 

"Right. So. Erm." He'd practiced saying this. Why did it have to be hard now? "You being trans? Totally not a problem. The er- problem is that I don't know what I'm doing." 

"Like in life?" 

"That too, but er, I was thinking more like with this relationship. I think I've told you before that you're the first person I've really dated." 

"Yeah, you mentioned." 

"Right, so when I figured out that I'm not going to be good at anything in this relationship, I sort of panicked. That's what that was. Also I told one of my friends you were trans because I needed advice, but she doesn't know who you are and you haven't met. I don't really know if that's alright or not but I wasn't getting anything done thinking on my own so I had to outsource- and wow now that I say it aloud that sounds really bad. I'm sorry." 

To his surprise, Sirius snorted, completely uncaring. "James, I'm glad you didn't out me unnecessarily, but you and your mates are pretty much the only people that don't know. When I told my parents, they sort of lost it and told... well, everyone in a fifty kilometre radius from our house. Believe me, you're fine. I was nervous about telling you because I was afraid you'd-. Well. Panic. Which you sort of did, but now it sounds like it wasn't about me." 

"It wasn't, rather. Do you know what it's like to have nothing to offer? I'm not used to filling that role." 

"I'm- I'm sorry," Sirius said, amusement filling his voice. "Did you just say that you have nothing to offer? Is that what you think is happening here?" 

"I mean. Yeah. I've met me. I'm a whole lot of fun to be around, but not good for the long term commitment shite." 

"Ooo is that where we're headed? Long term commitment? That sounds like it will be a beautiful disaster, between you and me. Mostly me. I find it absolutely hilarious that you think you are the only disaster in this relationship." 

"Hey, we're having an important relationship conversation over the phone because I was too bloody scared to have it in person. Clearly, I am the bigger disaster." 

"Oh James," Sirius sighed. "You have so much to learn." 

"Lily- oh, Lily, that's the friend that I called, you haven't met her because she's in the States most of the time these days-- she said I have to admit to you that you're going to have to teach me about sex since I wouldn't know what the hell I'm doing with you." 

"Always a good thing to admit beforehand," Sirius said, and it didn't sound like he was mocking James. Not that James had really thought that he would, but it had been a concern in the back of his head. "Don't worry about it, we'll go nice and slow. As much as I would love to hop right into bed with you, past encounters have taught me to be cautious." 

"That doesn't sound like fun." 

"It wasn't," Sirius said honestly. "But I'm sure we'll be fine." 

"I'm glad you're confident about this, because I'm sure as fuck not." 

"Stop being so bloody pessimistic." 

"Yes dear." 

Sirius laughed. "Usual date night alright?" 

"Sure. You want to go out or are we ordering take-away?" 

"That's a whole day away; I don't know why you would think that I know." 

"Flying by the seat of our pants, then?" 

"As usual," Sirius agreed. "See you tomorrow."