#anyways story over don’t worry about submitting your own work anyone who’s reading this chances are i’ll love it anyway lmao

[ao3screenshotss]

[jaime-brienne-fic-exchange]

Exchange Posting Guide

Hello, friends and frenemies! We are less than three days away from the collection opening, which means I have a tension headache every morning I wake up and remember that I have to finish my exchange fic. The no-fault defaulting deadline has passed, but if you realise you will not be able to finish on time please, please let us know ASAP anyway so we can get a knight writer to write your recipient a gift.

On the other hand, if you have completed your exchange fic draft, please remember to tell us before the 1st! About a third of the participants already confirmed they’ve finished their fic, and we say:

Okay, now with the collection opening soon, here’s some FAQ on posting!

First off, how dare you?

Honestly, I ask myself that all the time, and the answer is there is no answer. We knew what an exchange would be like. Chances are, you did too when you signed up because many of you were here last year. We have no one else to blame but ourselves.

How does posting work?

The exchange portal will open on August 1st at 12pm AEST. Once it opens, use AO3 to upload your fic as usual:

Most of the upload process will be exactly the same as usual, but you need to fill in the following two fields:

Fill in the first with “JaimeBrienneFicExchange2021” (It should autofill, but please be careful to select the right collection! This one is the one we're using. Alternatively, you can go straight to that collection and click the “Post to Collection” button on the top right under the banner once the collection is open.)

Type in your recipient’s AO3 name in the second field. Double check your original prompt to ensure you have the correct name. A few people have different tumblr/AO3 names and we don’t want any fics to go awry.

If you've already made an AO3 draft before the 1st, make sure you add it to the collection and put in your recipient's username in the fields we mentioned above, and make sure you change the date when posting (or your fic will be buried). Be aware it can cause some shenanigans where the fic may not appear at the top of the page.

After that, it’s as simple as clicking post! Your fic will be submitted to the exchange and automatically be made anonymous. As the author, when you open your own fic, it will say ‘YourUsername (Anonymous)’, but to other users it will simply say ‘Anonymous’. Author’s names will not be revealed until August 21st, when we click the button to reveal them.

Feel free to reply to comments during that week. As long as you are logged into the account that posted the fic, all of your comments will also be anonymised.

If any of this process is confusing to you, PLEASE reach out to one of the organisers (nire-the-mithridatist/slipsthrufingers/firesign23/samirant/im-auntie-social)! We’re happy to hold your hand through the process 🤗

What about Lil’ Oathkeepers?

I’m glad you asked, imaginary exchange participant that’s totally not me talking to myself! A Lil’ Oathkeeper is a gift that can be any size and shape. It can be art! A video edit! A moodboard! A fic shorter than 1000 words! Or… a fic longer than a 1000 words, but you probably know that. Anyone (you don’t even have to be signed up to the exchange) can make and gift a Lil’ Oathkeeper. We’ll be releasing the prompt spreadsheet and posting instructions on the 1st!

Why is the exchange opening a day earlier than you said?

Because Slips has set the time on the exchange to suit her own timezone. She has to stay up till after midnight to watch F1 cars go vroom vroom and had to deal with being spoiled for every single episode of Game of Thrones on Tumblr and Twitter because it aired in the US while she was at work. This is her own petty little vengeance and she will not apologise for that.

Also it’s easier for her to keep everything straight in her head this way. Mathematics is not her strength. We’re kindly moderators though, so here’s a handy timezone conversion for you.

Why do I need to let you know by the 1st that I’ve finished my fic if I can post it anytime during the following week?

So we can find a knight writer ASAP. The sooner we know that you won’t be able to complete your fic, the sooner we can find someone to fill in for you. We don’t want anyone to be disappointed.

Do I have to post ON the 1st of August? I’ll be AFK for the day because my cat has a piano recital!

No, you can post it anytime between the 1st and the 7th. If you can’t or don’t want to post it on Sunday, then you can absolutely wait until later. We anticipate that the bulk of fics will be posted over the weekend, but if you want to post it on the 6th, then that’s absolutely your choice. Just be mindful that your recipient may be worrying why they haven’t received one.

Also tell your cat we’re rooting for them!

I really overshot the 1k limit and need to post multiple chapters. Should I post them together and drop my 40k prompt fill in the tag all at once, or can I stagger it throughout the week?

You must have a complete posted story by the 7th of August, unless you have reached out to us to make alternate arrangements. If you want to post your story over the week, you can. If you want to post it all at once, you can. As long as your prompter gets a completed fic in the posting window, we don’t mind.

(Also, look at your life, look at your choices! It was a 1k minimum!!! Buncha overachievers in this fandom, I swear 😂😂😂)

Can I thank my beta in the notes of my story?

Absolutely you can! The betas of the fandom be working HARD this week, they definitely deserve recognition. Just be mindful of including anything in your notes that might reveal who you are. You could choose to name your beta, or just thank them generally and add their name after authors have been revealed.

What if I don’t receive a story?

It might be because your author hasn’t posted it yet - they have the full week from the 1st to the 7th to post their story. It also might be because your fic needed a knight writer to write it. If this is the case, know that your knight is probably working very diligently to complete it, but might not be able to complete it within the window. If it looks like your fic will be significantly delayed (like until after authors are revealed) we will contact you directly to let you know what’s up.

What’s the etiquette around thanking my author?

A kudos and a comment is pretty standard. It’s up to you how long your comment is; we don’t write comments with our heads, we write them with our hearts. Just keep in mind that a person out there spent time working on something just for you and make sure you show your appreciation, even if the story isn’t exactly what you expected!

Can I promote my story?

Please don’t do this until authors have been revealed through the collection.

Can I rec my gift story?

Absolutely! Share the love! You can choose to rec it while it’s still anonymous, or wait until the authors are revealed. It’s up to you.

I’m not participating in the exchange, but I want to get into the spirit of the week. What can I do?!

Well firstly, read any of the 102 fics we expect to be posted that week! Read them and enjoy them! Leave a kudos! Leave a comment! Leave ten comments! Write rec lists and share them on Tumblr or Discord or TikTok, wherever it is that the cool kids hang these days!

What’s for dinner, nire?

Chicken, seasoned with my own tears.

I have another question that hasn’t been answered in the FAQs

Either send us a message through tumblr, or get in touch with one of the organisers privately. We’ll get back to you ASAP!

[time-to-cause-chaos]

the sunny parts

Webpril, day 5: MIT

AO3 link WC: 1, 543

There are papers littering the floor of Peter’s room that have been there for the past month, he can’t bring himself to pick them up, just looking at them gives him a headache.

It’s a real pain though that every time he wants to cross the sea of chaos and forms that is his room, he has to take painstaking measures to make sure they don’t mix up or crinkle.

May’s voice echoes as she yells from somewhere across the apartment, calling him for dinner but he’s not hungry.

Instead of going out and finding May at the table with some take-out, he grabs a pillow from his bed and plants it right in the middle of the room, the eye of the hurricane.

Sitting criss-cross on the cushion he takes a long - exhausting - look around him. Picking up the packet of papers directly in front of him he glances at the corner, this one’s NYU. Shuffling through the pages are his applications, guides, and other papers he hasn’t decided are good enough to look at.

He’d already applied for colleges last year and it had been so fun, him and May had applied for a bunch of colleges so he had alternates and other options in case the other ones didn’t pan out well.

Most, if not all of them, had already replied back and he’d gotten into great ones so that wasn’t a problem.

Nope, the problem now was that with finals and studying, he hadn’t actually chosen which one he wanted to go too. There were so many options and they were all amazing, but each of them had different things and perks.

At first he’d been leaning towards Harvard, May and Ben’s university, that they’d talk so much about when Peter was younger. That’s where they had met and since they both used to speak so highly of it, it seemed like the best option. There was sentimental value as well as academic, and that made it special.

Then there was Stanford, MJ had gotten in yesterday and she’d told Ned and Peter over the phone. For the MJ-standard, she looked practically exhilarated, her eyes were practically glowing and she kept pausing her sentences before starting again. Ned had also gotten into Stanford but he was still undecided.

It was mostly narrowed down to 5 places and frustration boiled over as he looked over the list again. He could read it as many times as he wanted, at this point he had it memorized, the names running over and over in his brain, NYU, Harvard, Stanford, MIT, and UC Berkeley.

NYU, Harvard, Stanford, MIT, and UC Berkeley.

God, this was exhausting. When he’d submitted those applications oh-so long ago, it was thrilling and exciting. He would do anything for that feeling to come back now to replace all the dread and anxiety he currently felt.

MJ was always talking about how great Stanford was, May about Harvard, Tony about MIT, and Ned about all of the above.

Peter didn’t know which one to choose, and he knows he should just do it, but it’s pretty close to impossible.

He needs some air, he isn’t going to make a decision right now anyways, that’s for sure. Peter leaves a note on the door in case May comes looking for him, and uses the fire escape to leave, clambering down with muffled steps. He didn’t take his web shooters and just strolled down the streets, dodging people and dogs was second-nature to him.

It wasn’t till he actually focused that he realized where he was, he’d gone to a park. The same one where Ben would push him on the swings until Peter felt his stomach flip every time because he was so high. When he was much younger he called it “My Park”, mostly because it was hidden from the public eye with the trees that surrounded it. No one was ever there and he’d brought Ned once in 3rd grade, it was much easier to have fun when there weren’t random little kids taking up the slide and parents watching like hawks. It was practically his own.

Reminiscing, he ran his fingers over the chains for the swing and sat down, lightly kicking his legs just enough so that he was a few feet above the ground.

The sun was setting and Peter watched as orange light filtered through the trees, making half his face warm. The other half was still cold in the shadows as swift breezes brushed over him and he ran his fingers through the bright spots in front of his eyes.

He tried not to think about the decision waiting for him at home, but it was inevitable.

He knew he was picking college for himself, it was his future, but he really didn’t want to make the wrong decision.

Tony always told him stories about MIT with Rhodey and all the fun they’d had there. The time Rhodey had broken a wrist and Tony an ankle because of a stupid dare that they were foolish enough to try. The time they’d sent the sprinklers off and everyone had to evacuate. Sometimes they were said in the kitchen with everyone around laughing at the stories that you’d expect to be exaggerated, other times they were said in whispers as Peter fell asleep, probably in medbay after an injury during patrol.

Peter hunches in on himself as the sound of Iron Man flying, he already knew it would only be a matter of time before May sent the cavalry his way.

Peter doesn’t even glance at the suit as it lands on the faded playground mulch with a crunch. For his credit, Tony doesn’t urge him to, instead sitting on the swing next to him, hands placed carefully in his lap.

Peter hates when they all do this, when they all act worried and get cautious, treating him like a bomb about to explode with one misplaced movement.

The two swing in silence next to each other for a few minutes, letting the cool breezes as they whistle through the trees, speak for them.

There’s no movement from either one of them until Tony twists and faces Peter, throwing one leg over each side of the swing.

Peter does the same, watching Tony warily, pressing his nose in the chain.

“What if I choose wrong?”, Peter asks, shifting his eyes to the ground, avoiding Tony’s.

“Impossible, no chance” Tony immediately shakes his head, “First of all, trust yourself, you know yourself better than anyone. Second, you’ll be a force to reckon with for any college or university you go to. I don’t even want to try and imagine the crazy stories you’ll be telling me as I get grey hairs.”

“What about Spiderman?”

“Don’t refer to him as another person, Spiderman is Peter Parker and Peter Parker is Spiderman. You’ll always have Spiderman, even if you decide to take a break from it for a little but”

“No, no, I won’t do that. I’m going to be Spiderman” Peter insists.

“Your choice, Petey. You know, you could also take a gap year”

“I feel like that’d just make me more stressed”, Peter’s eyebrows crinkle, in thought.

“Then go for college, Peter. Be great, and get a degree, and make me and May cry at your graduation, just make sure you’re doing it for yourself.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll probably be crying too.” Peter laughs, “Isn’t it weird though? To think that after everything that’s happened in the past few years, I’ll just go, go away from you all and,” Peter doesn’t air the last part of the sentence. All the fear that everything he’s had is going to be gone, all to waste and forgotten as he’s off somewhere else. The thought makes him queasy.

“You know, as the Tony Stark who actually used to go to MIT, I could apply for work there.” Tony smirks, “We can go to coffee shops and I can meet all your friends and embarrass you” THe last part is said as a joke as Tony smirks, Peter smiles and cringes inside.

“Maybe...no?”

Tony gets up and pulls Peter to his feet, “Let’s continue this lovely conversation at your place, we can talk over burnt asparagus, or some take-out”

Peter nods as he glances around, the wind’s stronger and it’s getting colder as the sky gets darker. Peter shivers and he melts into Tony as the man wraps an arm around him.

Tony holds onto Peter in the same park Ben did, building sandcastles that were really just piles of sand with him. The same park where May had chased him down the slide and wrapped her arms around him and she slid behind him. The same park where Ned and him had lost a bunch of lego pieces as the built model broke and the parts got lost in the sand.

It’s nice, he realized. As terrifying as it is to leave something behind, there’s a secure feeling you get when you know it’s always going to be there for you, forever a shield for you to hide behind when you need to.

Peter just wraps his arms back around Tony, face buried in his shoulder.

It’ll be okay.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Another Top 10 Fave Fics

I’m not sure I’ve used the right option…I don’t submit thingys on pages often I always feel a bother.

I’m off sick at the moment whilst the NHS try and figure out what’s going on and I’ve been off for like almost THREE MONTHS and I can’t even do much as I’ve got no energy.

ANYWAYS…

Whats a fix you’ve read recently that your obsessed with? Or just really made your soul happy/smile wide?

I needs the good sh*t to read!!!

(submitted by bluetree76)

———————-

Hi Lovely *HUGS*

Ugh, I’m so sorry for the delay; Sorry you’re not doing well, and I only hope that by now you’ve been able to get some answers!

Oh gosh, asking me to pick “fics I’m obsessed with” is dangerous because I love WAY too many fics, LOL, and I’m currently reading some new long fics, so I haven’t been re-reading anything in a little while! So let’s do this: I’ll give you some links to some of my past “fave” lists, and on this post, I’ll give you one of those cheesy “ANOTHER xx fave fics” things, because I have over 300 fics on my fave fics list XD, so I’ve a lot to go through, LOL. Sooooooo I hope you enjoy what I’ve picked out for you today :) I’ll try to keep today’s picks for stories I’ve read / re-read recently, and none are repeats of the fics on the bolded link below (Sept 18′s Fave Fic list) :)

—-

ANOTHER  TOP 10 FAVE FICS (June 2019)

See also:

Top 20 Fave 40K+ w. Fics (April 2017 )

Ten Fave Short Johnlock Fics (Easy Reads April 2018)

25 Fave Johnlock One Shots (April 2018)

Top 10 Fave Fics (September 2018)

Top 30 Read-Again Fics (March 2019) 

Top 20 Bookmarks of 2018 (March 2019)

The Wisteria Tree by SilentAuror (E, 29,773 w. || Post-S3, Emotional Love Making, Amnesia/Memory Loss, Sherlock Loves John So Much, Sherlock POV, Romance, Angst with Happy Ending, First Times, Hurt/Comfort, Est. Rel., Retirement) – Sherlock wakes up from a month-long coma only to discover that he has no memory of the previous six years to his own shock as well as John’s…

Love or What You Will by miss_frankenstein (T, 31,987 w. || College/Uni AU || Professor John, Ph.D Student Sherlock, Pining John, Poetry, Falling in Love / Slow Burn, Light Angst, Happy Ending) – John is an English professor who specializes in War and Post-War Literature and Sherlock is the brilliant yet impossible Ph.D. student assigned to be his TA because no one in the Chemistry Department is willing to put up with him. And - somewhere between Waugh and Plath, e-mails and takeaway, novels and villanelles - they fall in love.

The Boy Who Drank Stars by kinklock (E, 36,157 w. || Howl’s Moving Castle AU || Witches and Wizards, Slow Burn, Magic, Jealous John, Happy Ending, Bed Sharing) – “I’m looking for a castle,” John informed the scarecrow. “A moving one.”Except that, as it turned out, it was not a moving one at all.

A Week is Just Seven Days Isn’t It? by scifigrl47 (T, 39,906 w. || Humour, Friendship/Bromance, Stroppy Sherlock, Undercover/Army John, Texting, Pining-ish Sherlock, John Whump) – When John heads overseas for a week, Sherlock’s forced to fend for himself. It goes about as well as anyone could have anticipated. Which is to say, very, very poorly. Don’t worry, things’ll be fine in just seven days.

Spare Change by Ermerness (E, 51,966 w. || Rich Sherlock AU, Virgin Sherlock, First Time, Alternate First Meeting) – The Holmes family is one of the richest and most powerful in England. Sherlock spends his time flying around the world on the family’s private jet drinking a lot and shopping at expensive boutiques as a way of trying to alleviate his endless boredom. His mother decides it’s time he settles down with someone powerful, wealthy and well connected. John Watson happens to be none of those things.

A Hundred Crimson Sols by elldotsee (E, 55,536 w. || Astronauts AU || Mars Exploration / Space Travel, Slow Burn, Shy Sherlock, Scientist Sherlock / Biomed Engineer John, Alternating POV, Mutual Pining, UST, Angst with Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Injuries, Suicidal Ideation, Zero-G Sex) – Will Holmes is a chemical researcher recognized widely for his contributions to the new Mars exploration program. Thanks to his ground-breaking developments, the IMMC (International Mars Mission Corporation) is one step closer to Martian colonization. Will and his team of scientists are headed out on the first of three manned missions before the first group of settlers arrive. Three days before launch, one of the crew has to be replaced. Will panics because…new people. The replacement is of course one John Watson, biomedical engineer and space hottie who was pretty sure he had retired from actual space exploration and was now content to work in the nice, quiet research lab. Can the crew survive this TOTALLY ROUTINE trip? Will they be able to endure each other for the looooooong trip in close quarters? Gonna be a wild ride… prepare for blast off. Part 1 of the SpaceBois go to Space series

The Vapor Variant by 88thParallel (CanadaHolm) (M, 72,684 w. || Post-THoB, John Whump, Protective Sherlock, Guilty Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD John, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Suspense, Virus, Sickfic, Big Brother Mycroft) – They stood face to face in the middle of a clearing. The dim light of the moon barely allowed Sherlock to see the glassy terror in John’s eyes and the sweat that glistened off his forehead. His nose was bleeding again, blood dripping in a slow stream from his right nostril. They were both gasping for air, John’s eyes locked on Sherlock’s. There was no recognition there, just wild animal fear. Time stood still for an eternal few seconds, and Sherlock took a shaky breath. “John—”Spell broken, John spun and bolted back into the woods. Still heaving for air, Sherlock took off after him.

A Further Sea by i_ship_an_armada & ShinySherlock (E, 125,492 w. || Historical Pirates AU || Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Doctor John / Pirate Captain Sherlock, Sailing, UST / RST, Masturbation, Action / Adventure, Mild Angst & Peril, Romance, Shaving, Molly/Janine, Bottomlock, Hand / Blow Jobs, Past Drug Use, Slow Burn, Mild Violence, Happy Ending) – Here be a tale of adventure for both body and soul, but beware if ye be not of stout heart, for this be piratelock, ya savvy? Luckless ship’s surgeon John Watson takes a chance, and finds himself eye to eye with The Ghost, the scourge of the seven seas and a definite thorn in the side of the blaggard, James Moriarty. But when John finds there’s more to this most cunning pirate than be meetin’ the eye, he has to choose… is it a pirate’s life for him?

Midnight Blue Serenity by BeautifulFiction (E, 151,907 w. || Friends to Lovers, Gay Bar / For a Case, Drugs, Pining, Case Fic, UST) – When Sherlock infiltrates a club in order to track down a serial killer, his altered appearance is enough to make John question his assumption that Sherlock is beyond his reach. However, is he the only one who appreciates his flatmate’s charms, or is Sherlock at risk of becoming the next victim?

Gimme Shelter by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John (E, 159,368 w. || 70′s Surfer AU || Period Typical Homophobia, Hawaii, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Professional Surfers, Gay John / Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, John was a Sailor, Misunderstandings) – All John Watson wants is the feeling of a freshly waxed surfboard under his feet and the hot California sun baking down onto his back. To finally go pro in the newly formed world of professional surfing and leave the dark memories of his past behind him as he rips across the face of a towering blue barrel. To lounge beside the beach bonfire every evening with an ice cold beer tucked into the cool sand beside him and listen to Pink Floyd and the Doors while the saltwater dries in his sun bleached hair. That’s all he wants, that is, until the hot young phenom taking Oahu and the Hawaiian shores by storm steps up next to him in the sand in the second round of the 1976 International Surf Competition.

[sailorbryant]

HANKCON: Fic Recommendations

I started creating a bunch of recs to send to a friend and ended up just making a whole thing. I know I’ve forgotten multiple stories so will probably update over and over again. Let me know if you notice any broken links or errors!

❥ New Stories Added - 12/22/2018

INSTRUCTIONS NOT INCLUDED by Vinci

Summary:  Logically, Connor should have noticed something was different after the moment of his deviancy after he consciously chose not to shoot Markus, but he truly didn’t notice it until months later, as he watched, in absolute interest, as Hank typed something on his computer across from him at his desk.

Or: In which Connor simultaneously experiences an emotional and sexual awakening in the wake of his deviancy and handles it in the best way he can. By not telling anyone. Post-Peaceful Ending. Eden Club undercover. Probably my favorite Hankcon fic out there.

PHOLCIADE by farouche

Summary:  After Markus obtains equal rights for all Androids, Cyberlife is pressured to release all the prototype androids deemed unready for public use before the Revolution. In a diplomatic effort, Cyberlife offers all prototypes a chance of a paid job in the sector they were intended to work in or otherwise, in order to not waste the money gone into programming their specific skillsets. Among them is Connor, an RK Prototype, who is offered a training period at the Detroit Police Department under the condition that he reports his progress via email to the man assigned to be his mentor. A man that Connor has never met, who will never reply, and who will remain anonymous for the duration of his training; bar the pseudonym "Lt. H."

A man that, having only ever seen his shadow in a hallway, Connor affectionally names after the Pholcidae spider, more commonly known as Daddy Long Legs.Lieutenant Hank Anderson just wanted to get Fowler off his ass and deal with this mentoring crap as quickly and easily as possible. Instead, he has to deal with an android calling him "Daddy" in every email he sends. It's not what he wanted or expected, but it somehow ends well. DaddyLongLegsAu. Fantastic.

RE:DECONSTRUCT by Masu_Trout

Summary:  The androids are free, but even the most peaceful of revolutions comes with a world of changes. Markus has an offer to make. Connor's starting to get used to this whole deviancy thing. And Hank—well, Hank just might be falling for his best friend. Thirium Pump Handjobs.

HALYCON by Terminallydepraved

Summary:  Hank gave in to the urge to bury his face in his hands. This was just… Fuck, he was too innocent looking. Those wide eyes, the soft looking lips. He stared at Hank like he hung the sun and stars, and here Hank was, projecting. Again.

Something brushed his shoulder and Hank couldn’t help but jump. He flinched away and moved his hands, but it was just Connor. It was always just Connor, standing a little too close, probing when Hank was at his worst. Standing at his side with worry in his eyes, staring up at him, and… Fuck.

He was too old for this. He was too old and broken and fucked up to deserve this, but Connor made it too easy to want it anyway. Must Read.

INTERRUPT REQUEST AU(IRQ) by rara avis

Summary:  Hank does indeed get drunker. Connor takes him home and stays the night. They find out exactly what it is Hank wants Connor to be, and what Connor wants in general.

Starts between "The Bridge" and "Public Enemy" and follows their storyline until the end of the game. One of my favorites. Perfect smut. Perfect use of graphics and machine code.

SINGULARITY SERIES by Driverpicksthemooseic

Summary:  "Hank," Connor starts. Not Lieutenant, just Hank. Hank gives him a baffled stare. "This is the only method with a high probability of success, so please go along with it."

(OR, Hank and Connor go undercover at the Eden Club.) The fake/pretend relationship/undercover at Eden Club story that you gotta read.

WITHIN SERIES by whitachi

Summary:  Connor has some wires out of place, and Hank helps to fix them. THE Wireplay fic.

THE OTHER WAY TO SOMEDAY by theslap

Summary: Cole's teacher is annoying. He's also attractive. For Hank Anderson, that's a bad combination. NonAndroid!AU.

MAKE ME FORGET THAT I’M NOT READY FOR LOVE by Warmybones

Summary:  “Stay like this, if you want,” Hank whispers against his earlobe, fingers caressing down his navel with deadly intent. “Or punch me across the face if you don’t.”  Adorable little get together story. Post Peaceful ending.

THE GAY AND WONDROUS LIFE OF CONNOR ANDERSON by LieutenantWubs

Summary:  Connor wants to get a new upgrade, but doesn't want Hank to know what it is until he is comfortable with it. Adorable

TERMS AND CONDITIONS by esama

Summary:   1. Go out into the world 2. Figure out who you are. 3. Live a little.”

Post-Peaceful Ending. Very angsty little piece but such a fantastic example of world-building in the post peaceful Detroit. And the pining is delicious.

IRREFUTABLY SEDUCED by gumpekulla

Summary:  He needs to get this ridiculous crush under control before Hank finally decided to confront him about it. It would be mortifying.

(Things doesn't really go to plan, but Connor really can't complain.) Reverse!Au. Smutty Smut.

ARRIVAL by coffee666

Summary: Hank just wanted help around the house for Cole. He never expected such a goofy thing that laughed and hummed and protected Cole with all of his being. Connor is not like other androids --but neither of them truly know how deep those differences go. HouseAndroidConnorAU!

WANTING HIM by Miko

Summary: Connor is convinced that sexual intercourse would be of great benefit to Hank's physical and emotional well-being, but the man is highly resistant to the idea. Hank's objections are not unreasonable, but there is one simple solution that will address all of the issues - Hank should have sex with Connor.

The last thing Connor expects when making the suggestion is for his partner to be upset and offended by the idea of 'using' him. Hank claims he won't do it because Connor doesn't 'want' it, but Connor is the one who offered in the first place.

What's the difference between 'willing' and 'wanting'? Connor needs to do some investigating.. Lovely.

RECEPTIONS AND REVELATIONS by Terminallydepraved

Summary:  Hank is forced to attend an awards ceremony where the attire is black tie and stifling. Connor attempts to make it bearable, but that comes with a few surprises of its own along the way. Side Rk900/Gavin. Smut.

AGAINST A COCK AND A HARD PLACE by Svynakee

Summary:  His mission had been clear: get the deviant leader in his sights and snipe it to end the revolution. But it'd all gone wrong.

Connor could feel the firm muscles of Hank’s thighs clenching down on his thin waist – tense enough to be ready for any attempt to escape, yet effortless, with the clear indication that he could remain like this for a long time if needed. His blue eyes were as sharp as ice, as hard, as cold.

Connor was trapped. He hadn’t seen it coming, hadn’t expected this outcome. And it was thrilling.Dark!Smut. A different take on the rooftop scene. Fantastic read.

PLAYING FOR KEEPS by Dana

Summary: 'Well, it does have the best fucking biscuits.' Hank lets out another soft sigh. He'd probably sell his soul for an endless supply of those biscuits, Jesus, he's salivating already. 'Alright, alright. But just so you know, I'm doing this for the biscuits.'

Connor grins, and laughs, then presses a kiss to Hank's cheek. 'Okay. Do it for the biscuits.' So that was kind of a lie, and Hank knows Connor can tell, but it's not like Hank really cares. The Hank/Connor/Gavin/RK900 foursome you didn’t know that you needed in your life.

DEMONS & DOMESTICITY SERIES by ProneToRelapse

Summary:  Hank makes a deal. His immortal soul for the life of his son. It isn't his soul the demon wants. Demon AU. Hank teaches Demon Connor to feel. Smut is 10/10.

THE KNIGHT AND THE SCARECROW by Mura

Summary: A fairy tale Hankcon AU. Shrek AU sorta. Very cute and fluffy.

THE ENTIRE MEMORY OF YOU by fantastic

Summary: It was as he sat drinking his morning coffee that the slow grinding of those pieces falling into place sent a course of comprehension through his body: the tightening of his chest, the heat in the tips of his fingers, a simple message splayed behind his eyes as he looked across the table.

Connor was in love with him.. Breathtakingly Beautiful Angst. WIP. 

YOU HAVEN’T GAINED A DAY by Synekdokee

Summary: The picture attached is uncanny. In his uniform, Connor looks different from the flirty little twink climbing all over Hank’s lap in a taxi ten years ago, and he’s certainly filled up a little, face a little less angular and more masculine now. Hank remembers those earnest brown eyes and those pink lips a little too well though. Even the fucking cowlick is still there.

And then Hank’s stomach rolls over when his brain truly catches up with what he just read - DOB August 1990.

University my ass, Hank thinks weakly. Modern Detectives AU. No android AU. WIP

SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF THIS by MorganOfTheFey

Summary: Connor has a three-year seduction plan to make Hank love him back, and it starts with getting the lieutenant into his bed. Co-sleeping is scientifically proven to be beneficial to humans, and proximity is the number one factor in relationships forming. But when Connor starts having dreams thanks to the new updates he's beta-testing, it all gets a lot more complicated. And then one little-wet dream speeds up his three-year timeline dramatically ... Post-Peaceful Ending. Slow Burn Done Right. 

FAULTED CODE Series by ProneToRelapse

Summary: "What I'd really like to know," Fowler says slowly, disapproving gaze fixed on Connor while Hank wheezes and tries to smother his laughter, "is why Detective Reed has submitted a formal complaint against you saying you threatened him."

"No threats were made, Captain," Connor says evenly, calm despite the scowl Reed is levelling at him from the other side of the office. "I know better than to antagonise someone so deeply mired in anti-android stigma."

"Then please explain to me why I'm dealing with, and I quote, "that fake plastic detective aggressively T-Posing at me in the bathroom"."

Hank loses his battle against professionalism, laughing so hard he nearly falls out of his chair."I was asserting my dominance," Connor says simply.

Connor is adjusting. Hank helps, in his own way. Slowburn. Excessive Memeing. Hank/North Bromance to end all Bromances. Intrigue. Do not skip. WIP.

WHY DO FOOLS FALL IN LOVE Series by SpicyReyes

Summary: After Connor and Hank reunite at ChickenFeed, they start taking the first steps toward the rest of their life. Slowburn. WIP.

EIGHTEEN WHEELS ON AN UPHILL CLIMB by blackeyedblonde

Summary: “Can I give you a ride into town, at least?” he calls out. “You’re sure you haven’t got folks anywhere around here—somebody who can look after you for a week or two?”

Connor laughs outright at that and figures he’s got nothing to lose in telling the truth. “Not unless you want to drive the 800 miles to Detroit.”

Hank’s mouth falls open as he physically leans into the word. “Detroit? No shit.”

“What?” Connor blurts out, puzzling over the other man’s expression from a distance. “That’s where my family is—well, the closest thing I have left to family, anyway.”

Hank’s face only splits into a wide grin and he barks out a laugh, the first real one Connor’s heard all night. “You’re in luck, kid,” he says, shaking his head in disbelief as he looks off into the rising daybreak behind Connor. “Seems like we’re both headed in the same direction.”  The Trucker!AU you didn’t know you needed in your life. WIP.

A TOURIST IN A DREAM by Octobig

Summary: Hank has stopped thinking about his place in the world for a long time. Old, washed-up cops don’t live exciting lives. He just does what he always does: cracks cases drinks whiskey and goes home to Sumo.

But then the android sent by CyberLife shows up – disarmingly curious, intentionally uprooting all the familiar aspects of Hank’s life, and he jumps headfirst into an android revolution. Barrels into cases like an unstoppable storm.

Halfway through, Hank realizes he’s no longer at the sidelines of his life.

And that Connor makes it better. All of it.

[Or alternatively: an episodic glimpse into the life of Hank Anderson and his partner Connor. Takes place after the revolution, happy ending included.] Absolutely Breathtaking. WIP, but please read. 

SPECIAL SHOUT OUT to @fishfingersandscarves . I followed her over from the Hobbit fandom and her art is fantastic, and following her is how I found out about the majority of these fics. Give her a follow and lots of love. 

and another very special shoutout for @carriemebags who this list was made for. There are no words to describe how happy I am that she’s followed me down into this hell pit with these two lovely boys, and I can’t wait until you guys get to start seeing her art cause it is fantastic. <3 

[commanderquill]

Don’t Be Chicken!

Because my readers are the most patient, lovely people on earth, here’s a little treat: Remember that side story to One Step Closer I mentioned, where Tim and Jay spend a day chasing chickens around Gotham? Well, it’s slowly but surely being made a reality, and here’s a sneak peek!

Hope you guys enjoy! It’s the most fun I’ve had writing something in a while.

So, it starts like this:

...Actually, scratch that, Jason has no idea how it starts because he has no idea how anything starts with Tim. One moment he’s just minding his own business, the next his best friend is knocking at his window and telling him they’re going to the haunted clock tower.

It isn’t that Jason thinks ghosts are real or anything. It’s just that Tim has the tendency to trip over his own shoelaces, and it would be a shame if he fell off the clock tower and died.

Tim has his camera with him, but it’s the nice one this time, and he eventually explains that he wants to take photos for his school’s photography contest. Jason suggests that submitting a photo of Robin might give him a better chance at winning, but Tim clarifies that the theme is ‘Haunted’ and shuts the idea down.

Personally he thinks ‘Haunted’ is a shitty theme, but he supposes it’s a fitting one for the abnormally unfortunate city they call home.

There’s a bus stop a block away from the clock tower, so they don’t have to do too much walking when they finally get there. A good thing, too. He’ll deny it except on pain of death, but this part of town gives him the heebie jeebies.

The cobblestone that gives Old Gotham its distinguishing mid-19th century look wobbles beneath them as they make their way down the main street, gas lamps flickering in the late morning light. There’s a low fog over them and the walls of the buildings glisten with dampness, although it hasn’t rained for at least a few days. It’s just like that.

“What’re they working on?” Tim asks as they pass an alley that offers a clear line of sight to the harbor. There’s a construction zone marked off on the way there, blocking off the sidewalk and the half finished building beside it. Wood panels criss cross each other where there should be steel beams. No workers are anywhere to be found.

“I don’t know,” Jason answers honestly. “They’ve been working on it for as long as I can remember.” The last time he was here was three years ago, and it doesn’t look any different. It’s as if Old Gotham is constantly suspended in a state of purgatory.

Tim shivers as a cold gust of wind sweeps past them from the harbor, but makes no additional comment. They walk a little faster.

The clock tower is old. Not old enough to be made out of wood, or for the stone’s harsh edges and spiky points to have smoothed out, but it’s jarringly out of place compared to the relatively modern Catholic Church beside it. The structure doesn’t extend into the sky easily. It makes its way there in steps and levels, each with a platform that seems like it might have been a porch, if there were any visible doors. In the place of doors, tall arched windows allow the slightest glimpse of the pitch black interior, guarded by gargoyles with gaping mouths. Spires extend at every interval, getting thinner and shorter with the exception of the long, thin lightning rod on top.

The clock face itself is written in Roman numerals, large and impossible to miss but, for Jason at least, just as impossible to read. However, he can still tell the hands are at six o’clock. It’s ten.

“We can’t get in,” Jason says.

“Why not?”

“It’s locked.”

“You haven’t even tried.”

Neither of them move.

“Maybe--” Tim begins, but Jason doesn’t get to hear the end of his suggestion, interrupted as he is by distressed shouting splitting the air.

It doesn’t sound like a cry for help, more like a vehement argument, but it’s strange mostly for the fact that Jason was subconsciously convinced no one’s lived here for at least a few thousand years. A quick glance beside him makes him reasonably sure Tim’s thinking the same thing, and when he moves towards the sound, Jason gratefully follows. He isn’t procrastinating going into the clock tower. Really. That would be stupid.

The shouting comes from about a block away, and even without the noise it would draw the eye. Nestled between two apartment complexes is a stout little house surrounded on all sides by a white picket fence and lush green grass. The five foot long walkway branching off from the sidewalk is paved in white pebbles and the sky opens directly above it, the first break in the clouds they’ve seen all morning. The sunlight streaming through is being enjoyed by a particularly fat tabby cat.

They stare, bemused. The house is painted pink with white trim, and a large white sign above the front door names this surreal establishment the Little Gotham Daycare.

As they watch, the front door opens so fast it nearly slams into the wall, and a white-haired older woman in a floral red skirt swishing past her distinguished hips stomps onto the porch and sits with a huff on the top step.  Jason takes that as a sign to go. Tim takes that as a sign to speak. “Are you okay?” he calls, and Jason resists the urge to groan aloud.

The woman raises her head, but it takes a moment for her to find the two of them. When she does, she squints, then slumps with what Jason considers to be a very melodramatic sigh. “No, no, no, oh dear, everything is going wrong today! First the chickens eat their own eggs again, because of course Donald didn’t remember to take them out this afternoon, and then he forgets to lock their cage and they disappear without so much as a goodbye!”

“I don’t think chickens are supposed to talk,” whispers Jason loudly to Tim, who ignores him.

“How many chickens?”

“Four,” she says, dejected, and then hides her face in the crook of her arms. The boys stand together awkwardly. Finally, she looks back up at them and pats her thighs with a deep breath. “But nevermind all that, you boys must be hungry. Where are your parents? Oh, it doesn’t matter. No one around here has parents anymore anyway,” she mutters, standing up and beckoning them over.

“Tim…,” Jason pleads as Tim, predictably, takes a step forward. The woman has already disappeared into the odd little house, presumably expecting them to follow. “I don’t trust any old lady who says stuff like that and owns a daycare. There’s something really, really wrong with that.”

“She lost her chickens, Jay,” Tim chides. “She’s lonely.”

“She’s weird,” he grumbles, which does nothing to move Tim from his already decided course. With great reluctance, he follows his best friend into the quaint daycare.

It’s to his relief that the inside does, actually, look like a daycare. They step past scattered toys and half-broken crayons crushed permanently into the carpet, and Jason yelps when he steps on a lego, instantly regretting taking his shoes off. Tim, the jerk, doesn’t even look back at his cry of pain, too intent on cataloguing everything about their surroundings.

As much as it sucks to be ignored, he can admit to being proud of that particular quirk. After all, it’s a habit his best friend only picked up when they became friends. Although, he isn’t entirely certain if Tim does exactly what he tried to teach him and actually spends the time making note of all the exits and escapes, or if he’s just looking for clues like a bona fide Sherlock Holmes.

Jason supposes the keeping-track-of-stuff-that-actually-matters job, as usual, falls to him.

“Oh, the children will just be so devastated when I tell them what happened…,” the lady despairs, entering the kitchen to look into the fridge. She pulls out the basic sandwich fixings and two cold bottles of water.

“Will you have anyone look for them?” Tim asks innocently, but no. It isn’t innocent, because Jason knows exactly what that tone of voice means, and his answer is no.

Unfortunately, Tim rarely takes his opinion into account, so he doesn’t bother voicing his objection. But maybe...

“They’ll tell me just to adopt new ones, but Nessie’s been with me for a while, you know? And Lara, and Tommy -- she’s a lady, my grandson named her -- and Jane.”

“That’s all of them,” Jason points out.

It only makes her sigh sadly at her tomatoes.

“Maybe we could--” Tim starts, but Jason jumps in:

“You should put out a reward for them.”

Tim glares, but the woman suddenly seems contemplative. She looks distantly out the window while spreading mayo on the second bread slice. “Perhaps that could work…”

“Oh, it definitely does. People do it for their cats and dogs and… chickens all the time. Trust me.” When she continues to mull over her decision, he adds: “When we lost our goat, we put out a $200 reward and someone found it the next day.”

Tim gawks. It’s Jason’s turn to ignore him.

There’s a long silence, and Jason holds his breath as the odd woman places their finished sandwiches on separate paper plates for them to take, then proceeds to scrutinize them very carefully. Jason makes sure to wear his biggest and brightest smile. Tim makes sure to step on his toes. He fights back a wince.

Suddenly, she claps her hands together and smiles at them. “Well, that just sounds like a splendid idea!”

Tim pales. “Oh, Mrs… um.”

“Duvall.”

“Mrs. Duvall, you don’t need to--”

“--worry at all,” Jason assures her, bulldozing right over the rest of Tim’s sentence. “Someone will find them safe and sound! In fact--”

“Do you suppose $100 is enough? I don’t have much--”

“Well…,” Jason begins.

“Yeah,” snaps Tim.

“Great! Could you boys help me print out posters?” she asks hopefully.

Tim has the audacity to hold a palm up to Jason’s face before he can answer. “Actually, I was going to say that we can look for your chickens.”

“The reward would help a lot. You know, buses are getting pretty pricey these days…,” interjects Jason.

Mrs. Duvall positively glows at the suggestion. “Oh, of course! I would be so delighted if you could help. Really, truly, you boys are just the sweetest… Let me just make you some proper packed lunches to take with you.”

When she swivels back around to the fridge, Tim hisses: “Seriously?”

“What?” Jason replies, voice high and innocent. “You were gonna do it anyway, who says I can’t get something out of it too?”

“You don’t have to come with me,” Tim mutters petulantly, but it’s half-hearted. They go everywhere together.

They stand awkwardly in the middle of the kitchen while Mrs. Duvall stuffs two paper bags with everything in her cupboards. When she’s done, she holds them both out, but doesn’t let go when they grab at them. “Before I forget, I should let you know that my chickens have trackers. I can’t remember what the neighbor’s girl said about using my phone, though…”

Jason sighs in relief.

To be continued...

[you-are-worth-the-wait]

updates to what you write is continued on here

that’s pretty good.  what’s their trading platform?  etrade, fidelity, ameritrade, robinhood?  can they do fractional shares.  errr...the rich getting richer...*ws*  do they want to talk to a rookie financial advisor? :P  

honestly Love, if you trust me, i would say to let me invest your money for our future.  the fact that it’s just sitting in the bank earning cents on thousands of dollars is just not a great play in the long run.  if something even goes up $5 in a year, that’s way more than what you get from letting it sit in the bank.  it’s what i finally helped my parents see/realize.  it took my mom awhile to come around to it.  she finally did and was even about to take out $10K she has in a 401K at a different job in hawaii but i told her that that was not the best move.  she’ll get penalized for taking it out early and they are “professional advisors”.  401K will work for her on it’s own so leave it there.  but everything else sitting around, let me have a chance at it to do more than what sitting in the bank will do.

huh.  well, it’s not really bad that it’s there.  you are okay as long as it is somewhere.  the only advantage of having it with your current work place is just so that it is easier to manage and keep track of.  but it’s not like it will change how the money goes up and down.  you just have more control of it in one place along with ease of acess.  i wasn’t able to make changes or do anything to your finances because just as i was about to get all the info from you and coordinate things, “this” happened.  i wasn’t able to get all your user name and passwords for your different accounts along with security questions’ answers.  it’s something i can set up with you eventually anyways so it’s no big deal.

no worries as long as you are okay with me messaging this way.  rocketman was really good.  it was interesting how they inserted, played, and showcased origins of songs or putting in snippets here and there.  i haven’t seen the queen one yet although i see it being showcased.  eurovision looked interesting and i thought i would give it a watch at some point.

how are you doing today?  able to process what happened during the last 24 hours?  thoughts/feelngs about what transpired?

i’m sure i told you.  it may have been awhile back when things were really bad for you and i.  it happened about a couple months after things went to shyt and “you unfriended” me from FB the first time.  it kinda sucked because originally my auntie offered the place to me but it was under the stipulation that i had to also stay with my grandma and her live in caregiver.  no offense to my grandma or anything but if i was going to “live on my own”, that’s kind of what i wanted to be able to have.  so then time went by and next thing i know, they are offering the place (remember my auntie bernadette’s one-story house in that gated community?) to my brother without anyone.  i was a bit miffed because you would think that they would have offered it to me first as they did the first time.  but they said since i had said no, they asked him.  i told them that i said no because of what they were making me agree to at the time and of course my brother would have said no too.  who’s to say that i would have accepted or declined the offer the second time around but i feel like it would have been common courtesy to ask me first.  but, like always, they kinda dismissed me and i was bitter at first but then i just let it go.  i figure if i was going to “pay rent”, i may as well be putting my money towards something that would eventually be “rent to own”.  so that’s how that played out.  he’s been there for 3-4 months now?  i don’t know.  truth is, i didn’t want to “throw my money away” where it’s not a rent to own.  i’d rather save it or invest it for long term.  plus, it’s hard for me to look long term into buying a house when i feel you and i have our future and you have that house already.  it wouldn’t make sense for both of us to have a house, at least i don’t think it does unless it’s to flip and make a profit by having multiple properties.  i kinda figure you and i just pool our wages and pay what we owe with your place and eventually, if you feel that that isn’t where you want to stay or if it no longer feels like home to you, then we can move.  it’s kinda why i said that if you wanted to look for another house at this time, you are more than welcome to.  anywhere with you will be home to me.  i just want you to be able to live in a place where you can come home and feel safe.  a place that you can feel is a safe haven at the end up the day.  be it that home that you are in now or another home you want to move in to, we will make it ours in our own special way.

my grandma is staying over at her old place/krystal’s house where she has been most the time if not in hawaii with my auntie glo.  yeah.  but it’s whatever at this point.  i don’t think i would have wanted to pay $1K a month and it’s not even going towards owning the place.  i think about it but again, it’s hard to justify getting a place when i still think about you and me and the fact that you already have a house.  like, what reason could we have to have two houses between us.  and if i do get a place, i want you to have a say in the place i/we get.  i don’t know.  i’m just either stupid, delusional, naive, hopeful, or what...i know it doesn’t make sense...but i don’t know how to think about a future without you in it.  everything i see in the future, i still see it with you.  that’s why when i catch myself typing/speaking the way i do, i wonder what you think about me when i keep referring to it as “our future” instead of “my future”.  i know you aren’t with me at this moment but i do honestly see and believe that my future is with you.  i know...i’m...whatevers...*sigh*

i do have another thing going on in my mind that i have a block on.  the person i told you about from Kingman, i feel like she is moving way too fast and is “falling in luv/love” way to fast compared to how a relationship should progress.  you and i did have a very small window of time and we made the most of it and even though people may see it as “fast”, i never did feel like things were rushed in how we went about discovering our feelings for each other, getting to where we felt extremely comfortable with each other, and just hanging on for dear life as we just seemed to step on the gas in what was our relationship that seemed to progress exaclty how you and i wanted it to.  aside from the minor hiccups in the beginning, once we both knew where we were in each other’s eyes and lives, we’ve been in sync since then.  with this person, i think it’s only been a month and a half, back and forth through text, met once, and she is almost “submitting to be mine”, and i haven’t really even proccessed tings that way.  it’s almost like when Sara told me she felt i was her soulmate after only 5-6 months.  but then again, i felt like you and i are “twin flames” and we’ve known each other for 2 years.  but i honestly think that you and i are the expection to most any rules, law, logic, rationale, and whanot.  i think you also know that to be true about us.  with you, i knew how i felt.  it was the circumstances and that of me wanting you more than “just a fling” is what prevented me from going all in with you.  i battled and struggled with it for awhile and almost pushed you away.  but when you told me that you loved me, you calmed the internal battle i was having in my mind and in my heart.  it was like you gave me the reason to believe that this wasn’t going to be more than just a fling, and i committed myself to you and our relationship at that moment, and we let our hearts lead us to where we are now.

what can i say.  me...words...english...muy good :P  i don’t know.  it’s how i felt about where i was coming from and how i viewed you and me.  it’s still how i view things between us.

i didn’t say much about her before.  she’s older, very cerebral, and has a way with words.  she was only with one other person in her life, sexually.  very smitten for some reason.  she likes the way i answer her questions.  very “formal/respectful” in the way she says she appreciates me taking the time to respond or the way i respond.  she does make me feel uncomfortable at times as if she is trying too hard to impress me and i it is too much some times.  but that may just be how she is and it’s okay.  she is really reading up a lot on the D/s lifestyle and is very much getting into it with the whole “self-discovery” and all.  she’s been a straight-laced chritian girl where she says man and woman have defined roles and she can see how that lifetsyle could sort of reflect her beliefs

Good to know I haven’t lost the ability to make you swoon :P Honestly, all I did was speak the truth in my heart. However or whatever words those may be, I just make them up as I go. But you are the inspiration behind my thoughts, words, and actions.

[elizabethrobertajones]

Hey! First off I love your blog! Second, I say you have a problem or don’t understand why people don’t like Mary and I saw this post pop up on my dash http://justjensenanddean.tumblr.com/post/163320319227/thejabberwock-in-the-beginning-403-i-think. And I think this might explain why. There is such a disconnect between the Mary we got to meet in earlier seasons and the Mary now that goes beyond the “she feels disconnected from being dead for 30 years”.  It’s just a different person altogether.

Third. I don’t think this is the place to say this, but tumblr wouldn’t let me submit a link in the askbox so.

Heya, thanks, @snowslittlesnowflakes :)

I don’t know if it’s just an interpretation/how you were reading it all along thing so I think I’m never going to be able to explain this adequately in words without doing a comprehensive study of people who DIDN’T like Mary to see where they went a different way than me, but I found Mary to have great continuity with herself all season. As I’ve been doing my rewatch I’ve been finding even more reasons to yell about how great a character she is and how well her story works and ties together for me.

One of the things I was wondering, and I don’t follow enough Sam girls to be entirely clear on this to know what their vocal demographic is like, but I have a suspicion based on the wank I’ve seen that some Dean girls dislike her louder. I find Mary’s season 12 arc to be intrinsically linked to Sam, and I was expecting/waiting for that ALREADY before the season kicked off, as like, the no.1 bullet point on my list of urgent Mary things they NEEDED to address. To my eyes the show immediately began to set up and prepare to do exactly what it was going to do to deal with this. It was a gut feeling at the start of season 12 but on rewatching I found exactly what had made me think it:

https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/161941971596/1x09-she-cant-say-it-here-whether-its-a-ghost

I think it was because immediately in 12x01 they clarified that Mary remembered everything she was supposed to (aka not the time travel nonsense) EXCEPT this. I’m actually not 100% sure people remember being ghosts, since I don’t think Bobby has ever commented on it - or at least if he has it would be a very broad allusion to it, since I know he’s never had a sit down chat about it with anyone :P Anyway, removing it un-did her apology to Sam and that was GOOD because Sam could take that apology back in season 1 on HIS side, but it was no proper and fitting away for an ALIVE Mary who now had to deal with everything to feel like “oh i said i was sorry once when i was a ghost obviously it’s all good now” so SAM was the major cause of Mary leaving and being unable to cope with being around her sons, and this was loudly broadcast in the subtext of 12x01-3 to my eyes and so I was expecting her to leave and I was expecting it to NOT be about Dean, except as a secondary emotional arc from HIS direction towards her.

On top of that, Mary and Dean actually don’t have a point of tension except for the entire underlying trauma and her leaving after 12x03, all of which came from her deal, which was about Sam (ergo, the 12x22 conversation dealing a lot with how Sam was harmed, not Dean, and again, another strike against Mary from people who care about Dean that this conversation seemed not to be about Dean despite how it was to the core because all that Sam stuff directly impacted his life too and he said so and of course he’s rarely if ever felt unconnected from Sam to the point that Sam being hurt isn’t like hurting him too). 

So to me it felt like this was a secondary concern to the Sam n Mary stuff, which I was loudly stating at original airing times that I was ready to gobble up and give 100% of my attention to, did so, and therefore took away a completely different reason to be invested in Mary, allowing my Dean girl self to just happily soak up that Dean was having some problems with Mary and that he was going to have an arc of his own with her to make things up with her but the whole POINT was he was being left out and the narrative KNEW it, it wasn’t like the show did any of this forgetfully or maliciously against Dean to deprive him of his mother for no reason - the reason was Sam and that was not between him and Sam and not something I think he fully grasped consciously either, so it was something for ME as the audience to sit on and watch and wait to see how it resolved, and thankfully he and Sam never got into their own fight about it. So I was waiting for it to be resolved but I could see Mary’s discomfort was what she originally stated in 12x02 and not what she told them in 12x03 when leaving. The whole point was she didn’t voice what was ACTUALLY wrong, at least, the core of it, and left instead of dealing with it, having given them a reason they were all utterly helpless to, instead of a reason that Sam could chase after her to deal with with their words and just give her that vindication of her apology she thought she’d never get and - because she doesn’t remember it - never knows she made, putting Sam and an ENORMOUS emotional advantage over her since he already forgave her somewhere between 1x09 and 5x22, when his personal slate was wiped clean. In 12x22 she voices it out loud and it turns out to be fine but you know, if she just SAID it originally...? None of the drama of season 12 would have got past 12x02 :P

(Mary’s revulsion and horror at what she’d done to Sam is also a major emotional subplot of this fic I wrote circa 12x14 and it’s about as subtextual as the way it was being expressed in the show which is why it mostly manifests as Sam wearing flip flops for her and her loathing herself for it) (I include this note because it occurs to me that Sam’s characterisation in that fic probably seems utterly bizarre and extremely unfair on Sam unless you already read it once AND know how I felt about Sam and Mary in season 12, aka that by 12x06 I was sitting on the rooftop yelling about them every time they so much as exchanged a worried glance, and in 12x12 actually screeched out loud in glee about Sam and Mary and the yellow eyes thing and consequently spent the episode reaction time miffed that everyone was more interested in a little matter of the Destiel “I love you” than what I wanted to talk about and so that fic is a reaction to 12x12 and 12x14 at once :P)

ANYWAY I think Mary in season 12 is a substantially different person to any version of her we knew before because the entire point is that we were going to MEET Mary Winchester for the first time outside of dreams and time travel and on the other side of her death. 

She remained unbroken up to the opening of 1x01 because as fiesty and sweet as she was as a hunter when she was younger or as housewife-y and settled into a rocky marriage but loving her kids as they eventually managed to convey without rocking the boat too much in 5x16, none of this, even the sad Mary from 5x16, the latest canon version of her we saw before season 1 or 11, is who she would be post-dying and discovering her actions had global consequences and she’d utterly fucked up her sons, SAM IN PARTICULAR, and again I can not stress hard enough how important SAM is in all this, that her horror is about SAM not Dean, and that she’s running away from SAM and that she needs to make it right with SAM. 

Dean has a whole other bucket of issues of which the show took a different route to explore and unpack, by prioritising, sensibly, that Mary got maybe 20 seconds to have the “I hecked up” thought on stumbling onto Azazel in the nursery and her death, and I feel like I should repeat this over and over and put in my blog header maybe, the only time we ever see Mary after that is the “I’m sorry” line of dialogue in 1x09. That is her entire chance the show ever gives her to have a voice or to address what she did post-death. And it makes Mary’s post-death character ABOUT this until season 12 (when it... continues to be about this because that’s who she is because that’s the most important thing she feels post-death and 1x09 already confirmed it)... I don’t think what she said in 1x09 EVEN IF SHE REMEMBERED IT, WHICH SHE DOESN’T, is good enough to have Mary back and pretend her deal is forgiven, for Sam’s sake, said out of love for Sam. So the mytharc is about Mary through and through, from the BMoL to the choice to have a nephilim (who is a Sam parallel & hence ending the season with Jack and Sam staring at each other) as the more cosmic mytharc, and yellow eyed demons back, and an AU structured around her deal having never been made that she ends up being punted into with Lucifer, the reason she made it in the first place when looking for ultimate blame (again, something we’ve known since 4x22 and there were hints through the season that she needed a final reckoning with Lucifer). 

What we are seeing in season 12 is how that sweet and genuinely inexperienced, dreamy Mary we meet at her YOUNGEST age shown on screen, is like when you scrape together everything - the comments about her unhappy marriage with John, her legacy as a hunter, her fucked up father, her deal, EVERYTHING we know about her, and trying to turn it into a coherent character who has her own agency and inner thoughts and feelings that matter to the narrative, when the narrative previously only EVER produced her as a token to move around for other people’s thoughts and feelings. Even in the time travel episodes, she’s written as emotional manipulation for Dean, not as a character with a fighting chance, because 5x13 in the end wipes her memories clean and makes the very firm point to Mary that she’s gonna shut up, have her babies, and blissfully tell them that “angels are watching over” them when the awful, horrific truth of the Grand Plan has been wiped clean from her brain. I mean, Kelly in the cold open of 12x19 does what Mary was not allowed to do in 5x13 for the sake of the world, and yet is still dragged back to life because the baby is more important than her feelings - and since that’s that Glynn & Bobo episode, I’m assuming that’s a direct criticism on the past narrative, not the show fucking up this thing for once but directly telling us that in these narratives, the mother is meaningless (insert bitterness about Kelly having to survive like 5 Buckleming episodes before anyone wrote her with anything else to say than using her as the vessel for the baby so heavy handed and yet utterly unaware that that was all they were doing with her anyway >.>). The *only* thing that didn’t come up in the narrative except by omission, was the cupids, and they didn’t come up by omission before the title card of 12x01, so I figure they’ve been a part of the entire story all along even if no one said anything, especially with separate references to the angel fall spell to remind us cupids are a thing without pointing at Mary directly. 

But all that from her past that we DID know aside, Mary was NEVER a real character before 12x01, in the sense of being allowed motives, forward momentum, or a sense of purpose (and surprise surprise, she barely has one because she’s been so fucked around by the cosmic narrative all she can do is look at it in horror and wonder if there’s a way to make it right so Sam can pick up where he left off and go back to school and Dean doesn’t have to hunt, as John said in 1x20 - She  has regressive impression THEIR motivations looking back on her boys, just as we seem to look back on her with regressive ideas about her motivation even though she took her wedding ring off and that too was a powerful motif all season in its appearances and the silence about John and the John mirror in Ketch that she eventually purged herself of). So we can’t say we really knew who she was before (we meet her post-cupid but Toni extracted SHOCKINGLY dark murdery-ness from her and cited it as her Campbell side, and season 6 fills in an emotional blank there, that soulless!Sam happily fit in with them for a year and Samuel only got worried when Sam didn’t understand the concept that baby stew was bad). What she was made to say in the past, narratively, was to make us feel sorry for Dean and Sam because of her and her unknowing tragic request for them not to be raised as hunters. Dean gets so sad he forgets the 2x20 motivation to put saving people over family, and tries to undo history, and ultimately when he can’t, that trauma was part of the lesson Heaven wanted him to take away about his role, same as any other time they manipulated him like in 4x17 or 5x04 or Gabriel tried in 5x08. I used to think 4x03 and 5x13 gave us a chance to meet her but they’re still utterly clamped down in the wider narrative to be a fleeting apology for killing her off and making her stay dead. 

Anyway in 4x03 Mary is 19, motivated to get out in a way to parallel her with having Sam’s once innocence about thinking he can escape hunting, and when Dean talks to her, utterly untraumatised except for what you might expect being raised by Samuel. Asking her to be the same person post-death, with her guilt about her deal on her shoulders and 2 adult sons too traumatised about the exact same thing from THEIR end to just open up a fun little dialogue about it, is similarly demanding to keep her trapped in the exact same box, and demanding her to be someone who she realistically would no longer be, and would be demanding her to be a person who would be a poor portrayal of Mary and not taking into consideration every facet of her character, and not allow her to be traumatised or broken or overwhelmed with guilt without also making the demand she shoulder it completely and stoically and continue to try and be a sweet and motherly character because that is the role we may have come to expect of her even though we know Sam and Dean start out bright eyed and bushy tailed and post their death and guilt trauma, are angrier, harder men... And despite the fact the opening run of episodes of season 12 made it very clear it was completely unrealistic to expect Mary to cut the crusts off the sandwiches of her boys and drop back into their lives only to immediately fill an emotional void THEY had instead of wondering how SHE would feel. 

Allowing Mary to be selfish and leave and to show her brokenness on screen was utterly fantastic and whatever else you could complain about season 12, I’m 110% here for Mary and the arc they chose to give her because it was POWERFUL and EMPOWERING and they let her messy cry and kill things and do like 8 of Sam and Dean (and Cas)’s own personal selfish, misguided or murdery arcs for herself and at the end she was forgiven, got a group hug, and rewarded with being allowed to ask if she could punch Lucifer in the face and having that wish immediately granted, since she had some catharsis left to get which her boys couldn’t give her, namely going back to the root of her problems and knocking some teeth out :P

I mean, feeling like Mary wasn’t sweet enough is a mysterious complaint to me because I have been rooting for her every step of the way DEMANDING she be ugly and horrible and cold if she needs to be because I WANTED to see the image of Mother Mary utterly torn down and for it to be stomped out, and for her to do the stomping, on Sam and Dean’s faces if necessary, because for ALL of them it would be better in the end not to think she was supposed to be sweet and caring and motherly if she comes back as a REAL character and NOT as an idol.

Like, I get that you could think in 4x03 that was supposed to be telling us that was a character trait of hers and when you’re scraping for crumbs of a character who we get nothing about except these scant little episodes, you might try and stake the entire reading of her on these details, but in the same episode she also was snarky, Dean-like, a more than competent fighter, and tbh before you know about the cupids, just in 4x03′s context, I wondered if she was only latching onto John because he’d get her out of hunting, and it was a manipulative move in a way where of course she liked him and picked a guy she had some feelings for but at the end of the day it was about her rebellion against Samuel and her desire to be free - Azazel offers her peace in the suburbs when he brings John back and his words are not so much about their love but how Mary’s quality of life increases. And once you know about the cupids it just means she’s irrationally in love and staking her idea of that future all on one guy like no one else can do it for her, but she still has ulterior motives, that she wasn’t going to marry John and teach him to be a hunter and JUST want to propagate her bloodline like a good little meaningless walking womb in the grander scheme of things and it didn’t matter in what circumstances she did that.

And since 1x09 and that “I’m sorry” they’ve been trying to TELL us that Mary is messed up and complicated and did bad things and WON’T be so sweet as they think. Again in 2x22. And in 4x03 they reveal that it was this deal, but they still chose to make her a hunter and give her that legacy, and not be led into the deal blind, like some people we see who have no idea what a demon deal meant for them. And that DOES make her deal more fucked up and people who are critical of Mary and have been for a long time, much longer than season 12, have been critical because of the fact she should have known better or should have taken better precautions (thanks again to 12x12 for confirming said precautions were useless and allowing us to headcanon she absolutely did but Azazel strolled right over them anyway, since until that point all we knew was that holy water didn’t work on him).

So... anyway, idk. I wanted to meet the fucked up Mary the show had been promising us since the start, and they introduced the fucked up Mary I wanted to see. And I was delighted. And that’s the backstory behind that dotpost >.>

Re: what I actually said before, though... 

Idk if you just saw the post of mine that went outside this blog and lost all the context because of my actual complaint being dotposted (the previous day as well) to avoid drama and because I was mostly grumbling to myself in the tags - idk if you saw that or just some snarky replies where I gave 1 line answers before diving back into the tags for cover, because that got reblogged without any of the context of what I was saying. :P 

There’s some perfectly valid complaints about Mary and why people didn’t like her with some self reflection that I’m never going to disagree with even if I personally enjoyed Mary’s arc and had already mentally boxed away a large allowance for the show to suck at telling its own story in a narrative structure way, within its rigid formula, probably because I’ve had to forgive that complaint to enjoy Cas’s part in the story all this time as well and I am a season 10 bitter fan in that respect for Cas, so nothing can suck as hard as “I brought snacks” as his grand total contribution to an episode :P 

I was mostly grumbling about the people who specifically disliked season 12 as the MAJOR part of their complaint and that it made no sense, or that everyone was OOC, but then also as an aside, noting that they hadn’t made any attempt to sympathise with Mary and had immediately dismissed her as poorly written. In that case I understand perfectly why they dislike season 12, because sympathy towards Mary and pretty much swapping loyalties from your normal character stanning to Mary as your fave this year (as the show itself did by prioritising her and Cas’s arcs (and even Crowley’s or even Rowena’s to an extent for the sake of killing them off with a bit of fanfare, although, see also grumbling about 12x13 as the worst send off episode ever))... I think it’s important to go for that change in perspective and not judge how it looks on the surface but ask what feelings they’re trying to express by showing these things, in both the similarities AND differences, and ASSUMING the show is competent and did its research when the evidence is clearly there they did and are referencing every event in her life as much as possible, and therefore changes are made with intent to tell us more about her and to reveal new things rather than fuck up old canon. This would go a long way to explaining her arc, and therefore towards making a chunk more of season 12 make sense. And it was a semi-personal comment, aimed at a rather small, loud group of bloggers hence keeping it in the dotposts to myself with no major tags >.> 

So, apologies, I’m only making this so lengthy and clear because of the inevitable way misunderstandings happen on Tumblr and I’ve been bothered for days about that post being reblogged without my tags or at least, I reblogged it w/o tags to be sarcastic but since it was all out of context, once it got reblogged, no one would know my tags were there any more vs seeing it all on my blog in the correct place.

Also, like I said, I have no clue if the hating Mary contingent is more weighed towards Dean girls and the fact I related to her pain through Sam while watching Dean take the brunt of her ~rejection~ was something I was chill to weather because I figured it would work out because no way would they under-value Dean’s literal most important relationship on the show, more important than Cas and Sam TOGETHER, and lo and behold 12x22 delivered in spades the mother & son bonding episode I knew I’d get if I held my horses and let them utterly destroy that bond to build it back up. I don’t know if Sam girls have similar issues with Mary but from their own perception of how she hurt Sam, or if they interpret her leaving because Dean was too clingy (surface text of 12x02 & 3) or what. Or if they’re as content as I was to see how the “I hurt you i fucked up i fucked up” arc from Mary to Sam would take them so far as I was happy to go to let the Dean and Mary thing unfold because again, it’s the most important thing in the entire show’s backstory, and 12x23′s AU showed that again, by going to ridiculous lengths to validate what Mary’s deal brought about in the main world, but only AFTER she could look Sam in the eye.

I mean I don’t wanna say I have some magical understanding of season 12 that others lack in general, I just think there are a (few) loud angry bloggers who spent a lot of time yelling at Mary for not being what they wanted, and consequently took everything she did as a personal offence towards their interpretation and had an enormous chip on their shoulder towards the season, whereas @awed-frog‘s self-exploration on the point comes to a completely different conclusion of why Mary’s arc didn’t work for them and it’s a structural fault with the show that made it so frustrating and hard to get to grips with when the emotional telling should have been more upfront to work for them. (I also don’t wanna say their reason is the only good reason to have not got along with Mary in season 12 because there’s surely others, but it makes a lot of sense to me as a reason with little to do with relative amounts of offered sympathy and therefore nothing to do with what I was complaining about so a good example untainted by my specific wank :P) 

(and this is why this was all snarky short dotposting >.>)

Anyway standard disclaimer that I’m obviously a Dean girl and I love him dearly, but in this particular case I got in hot water with anons etc all season because I didn’t feel like Mary needed to be punished for hurting Dean (I went past a past like that while looking for some of the things I linked), nor that Dean’s hurt was more important than her pain, and consequentially watched the non-Destiel Dean girls I followed wander down a path I couldn’t go with them because their very own selfsame enthusiasm about Dean and Mary in PREVIOUS seasons had made me so utterly hyped to see her again, given me the appropriate emotional groundwork to prepare for what was about to happen, and... I mean the only thing I’m baffled about is why I had to unfollow so many people with tears streaming down my face because I admired them so much once, but their protectiveness of Dean won the coin toss and they loathed Mary and season 12 so much it just became a well of bitterness. I’m still sad that it was this issue that made me unfollow some bloggers I’ve followed since I got to tumblr, because they just hated Mary and season 12 so MUCH. And I remember reading posts valuing Mary so highly from them, back when she was an idol of Dean’s and nothing more. (Again: general impression, naming no names.)

And like... the ENTIRE SHOW since 1x01, we’ve seen that Dean did not have a healthy emotional distance about Mary, when Sam says she’s not coming back, and ironic as it is that it’s this context, Dean slams Sam against the bridge and is like DON’T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT MOM LIKE THAT and it’s not that that’s ruined that she came back - that line is betraying that Dean can’t even think about her being DEAD and the LOSS he took because she’s so utterly tragically romanticised in his head that *pointing out that she’s dead* is an *insult to her memory* and yeah he’s traumatised and Sam doesn’t remember or whatever, but bringing her back is literally proving Dean wrong not that there was a reason to hope she’d come back because I think at that point he could have NO reasonable expectation to argue with Sam like, WELL SHE MIGHT SOME DAY because that’s not the point. The point was he couldn’t think clearly about who she was or what she meant because it HURT and even before he found out about her deal in 4x03 and swallowed THAT down like a champ, he couldn’t allow himself a SINGLE mixed feeling about her. She HAD to be perfect and venerated. 

Well that all went out of control for him, but “I hate you” is the single most important thing Dean has ever said on the show, followed by realising he can hate AND love Mary because she is a complex, fucked up human being who hurt him and THAT was laid down in the first 15 minutes of the show as something he couldn’t overcome. Because Mary wasn’t ever coming back. And then she did. And now he’s overcome it. And I cry about 12x22 just about every day. But anyway. I see Mary hurting Dean as the most essential thing that’s happened to him and as a Dean girl it utterly delighted me to watch his heart shatter in real time on screen over and over.

And yet others saw it as long over due rejection from Dean to Mary in 12x22 like within a season they’d grown to hate her so much they just wanted Dean to say “I hate you” and leave and go take a self-care weekend in the woods and maybe grow a beard and never come home and leave his entire family to fuck themselves about how they treated him, but that was all taken away from them so then they got on with loathing that he made it all about Sam and then forgave her and wanted to reconcile with these assholes instead. :P

And meanwhile the more I rewatch the older seasons the more I move 12x22 from “one of the best episodes of the show” to “actually the best thing to ever happen to this show” and “wtf everyone got character development for the first time since the apocalypse” and I’m over the moon.

And also love Mary a lot. >.> 

[abigfatbug]

Adimyos, Chapter 3

Chapter 3 of Adimyos!  Link to Google Drive folder >>here<<, and link to the first part/prologue on tumblr >>here<< I still don’t personally like reading long stories directly on tumblr, but i’ll paste it in anyway.

Chapter 3: How To Proceed? After some deliberation, Tanos ended up selecting a modest guest room as close to his room as possible to be where Rivis would stay for the time being.  It seemed like a no-brainer of a choice, but it did actually come with a few concerns for Tanos, mainly revolving around how much he could actually trust the odd prisoner.  What if Rivis’ tears and mannerisms were all just excellent acting?  What if Rivis was planning to harm him in some way?  Or worse, his family? What if Rivis’ story was a lie?  What if he was planning to feed the whole kingdom of Adimyos false information to aid the Ensin?  They were definitely risks that couldn’t be ignored. Tanos briefly considered giving him something a bit less comfortable, like a repurposed closet or storage room, as a way of making it clear that he wasn’t exactly off the hook, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it.  If it turned out Rivis was being completely truthful, he did want to help Adimyos, and he was forced to work with the Ensin, Tanos would feel absolutely awful about it, even if he was only being paranoid for the good of his family and country.  Ultimately, he simply chose the option of having guards watch the guest room to make sure Rivis wouldn’t try anything, and he also made sure all the guards and servants in the castle and on the property knew the situation so they could keep an eye out for anything strange. Rivis eventually came back, escorted by the same guards who took him to get medical attention.  It wasn’t the finest possible care, but it was decent.  He’d been bandaged and treated with medicinal poultices where needed, and given a white padded eyepatch for his swollen eye, but he definitely still looked like he’d seen better days. As Tanos showed Rivis where he’d be staying, Rivis let out a small gasp, and actually walked through the room on his tiptoes, looking around cautiously as if he weren’t supposed to be there at all.  “Are you really fine with wasting such a good room on me?”  Rivis said disbelievingly. “Unless I am proven otherwise, I will treat you as someone worthy of respect.  But if you seem to be acting suspicious, there will be consequences.  Is that clear?” “Y-yes, of course, Your Highness…  I promise not to be ungrateful,” Rivis said. “Good.  But for the time being, you should freshen up and prepare for dinner,” Tanos said.  “Someone will be bringing it to you soon.  I’ll be doing the same now, if you’ll excuse me,” Rivis gave the briefest questioning glance towards Tanos’ soft, bulging stomach, as if a bit surprised he was going to be eating again when he already seemed so full, but all he did was nod in response. Tanos quickly went to freshen up and change into clean clothes, which weren’t much different from his previous ones, but his new top was a looser, flowing, translucent black silk that only covered his chest, still leaving his stomach completely exposed and unrestricted.   Once he went to the dining room, it was largely the same as before, with the exception of the family all briefly slowing their feasting to look at him.  It was honestly sort of incredible that they actually heard him coming over the sounds of constant chewing and gulping, but they definitely slowed down to look at him. Once he sat down, the questioning started right away, some of it a bit muffled because no one would entirely stop eating. “So, what’re you gonna do with the thief?”  Thrin asked with a sadistic grin.  “Hard labor?  Sleeping on the floor in the basement?  Killing giant rats?  Gross food in tiny portions?” “I’m going to treat him with respect, of course,” Tanos said simply, causing the whole table to look at him rather oddly.  “ “But… he was planng to do something bad to Majos, wasn’t he?” said a girl just slightly shorter and less incredibly obese than Honjya or Thrin, but still quite similar looking. “I know, Iyin, but… It’s just… He doesn’t seem like a bad person… He just seems desperate and afraid…”  Tanos said. “Last time I checked, that’s called ‘acting’…” Lamtu said dryly.  There were a few snickers from others, but restrained enough to not choke or spit out drinks. “I admit I could be wrong.  But for now, I don’t want to be too harsh on him if there’s no proof I should be.  He’s not Ensin.  He definitely doesn’t look like one, and he says he was forced to fight,” “He said so?  He speaks our language well enough to explain himself?” Lamtu asked. “Apparently,”  Tanos replied with a shrug.  When some of the others stared at him with raised eyebrows and small frowns, he pushed his chair back slightly and sunk down a bit lower in his seat.  “I know it all seems suspicious, but…  I just really don’t want him to suffer more than he has to,” Tanos said. “I know how you feel, but… We’re just worried about you, is all,”  Honjya said with a patient smile. “If he should try anything suspicious, he’ll pay dearly.  Those who would lie to royalty in order to endanger Adimyos must be punished harshly,” the king said coldly, somehow making Tanos a bit nervous by proxy.  Although he hardly knew anything about Rivis, he desperately hoped Rivis wasn’t lying.  Not only for the sake of his home and those he cared about, but for the sake of Rivis himself. Dinner progressed rather normally after that, as everyone became too engrossed in eating to bother talking.  Even Tanos managed to painstakingly match his lunchtime intake, but he made another plate anyway in order to bring it to Rivis, which only elicited stares and murmurs from the rest of his family, to the point that Thrin actually got up and began following him, in spite of her heavily bloated, hanging stomach weighing her down. “Alright, let me see what in the name of Feylya is apparently so special and innocent about this random criminal that you want to give him some of the best food there is…”  Thrin said with a scowl, although her threatening tone was diminished somewhat by a loud burp afterwards. Once they made their way to Rivis’ room, Rivis was there sitting on a bed that was rather awkwardly much too big for him.  Once he caught sight of Thrin looking so massive, heavily obese, extremely full, and yet clearly powerful, he could do little more than stare completely frozen with his mouth agape. “H-hello, Princess… Nice to meet you…  My name- my name is Rivis…”  Rivis forced out, although he was hardly even able to look at Thrin at all.  Thrin just sneered rather coldly, as Tanos gave him the plate of food. “I… I couldn’t possibly…”  Rivis started.  “I’m grateful, but this is far too much food!” Both Tanos and Thrin just exchanged side glances for a moment before Tanos spoke.  “…Too much?” “I-I do not mean to say it wasn’t an incredibly kind and gracious thing to do, Your Highness, but…  my people do not have such marvelous stomach capacities…” “Too bad.  Eat.  My little brother is being nice to your scrawny, bony ass, so eat!”  Thrin said, as she took a step forward and stomped the floor hard enough to make the whole room shake. “Right away!  My apologies!”  Rivis said, as he took the food and immediately took a huge bite out of some kind of large meatloaf coated in a thick gravy.  Immediately, Rivis’ one good eye went wide, even tearing up slightly.  He looked as if he wanted to say something, but he immediately stuffed another large bite into his mouth and let out a moan of pleasure.  As quickly as he could, he sampled everything on the plate, moaning with pleasure and slightly blushing the entire time. After a couple of minutes, he regained control of himself long enough to speak.  “This is incredible!  The food is every bit as amazing as I’ve heard!” “Yeah, yeah, all those pale ass skeletons hear we have better food and spices than them and they come running over here like a slavering pack of dogs,”  Thrin said irritably.  “And you came right with them.” “I was forced,” Rivis said quietly.  “I had no choice…  I’m sorry…  I-I never wanted to submit to the Ensin, I’m Lyphorian…” “…Lyphorian?  Aren’t they a bunch of nomads and healers?  I’ve heard you help the Ensin all the time of your own free will!”  Thrin said. “That’s… how it used to be.  But the Ensin just act like that’s how it still is…  Our situation is actually like yours.  They wanted our land and resources for a long time, but they had no choice but to respect our independence because we had people skilled in so many areas of magic, to the point where there were things they completely relied on our help for…  And our culture emphasizes helping others.  We even willingly let them buy a generous portion of our territory for much less than it was really worth, and yet they still wanted more.” “Pfft.  Then we’re not the same.  Our country would never let anyone have our territory, especially not on sale!”  Thrin replied with a laugh.  Tanos just listened closely… For just a moment, he thought he saw Rivis’ good eye glow slightly, while the odd black metal rings on his throat and upper arms seemed to constrict slightly… But just as soon as he thought he saw it, it was over.   “Yes.  But please understand, Princess.  Things have changed.  They… don’t need us like they used to.  Their magic advanced.  They learned, they got richer, and now…  Now they just use us however they please.  They… they took me when I was thirteen years old.  They took my little sister and I from a poor, remote, miserable village in the dead of winter, when we couldn’t possibly stand a chance against them…  And made me into a soldier.  Do you know how Lyphorian magic works, Princess?”  Rivis said. “The more life force sitting around in the air, the more power, or some shit like that…”  Thrin said. “Exactly.  That’s why, according to the Ensin, a Lyphorian makes for the perfect soldier to invade Adimyos…”  Rivis said. “Yeah, or you willingly handed yourself over for money and you’re just making you sister up to make this story seem sadder…”  Thrin replied with a smirk.  Once again, Rivis’ eye glowed, but this time for a couple of seconds, and with more intensity, making it easier to notice.  The thick black rings began to smoke slightly and noticeably tighten, enough to make Rivis flinch. “Her name was Pavmes.  Pavmes Sivir.  And she existed.  She existed, and she had dreams and struggles… and she only lasted two years…  Because of them, she didn’t even get to turn eleven!  They killed her!  How dare you make fun of that?!”  Rivis said, his voice becoming cold and low as his one good eye glowed brighter than ever.  The black rings began smoking more heavily, while constricting so much they were elaving new bruises and Rivis began clutching frantically at his neck before the glow in his eye finally waned, and he was able to breathe again… although his breaths quickly became ragged and shaky as he descended into quiet sobbing, despite how he’d been blissfully happy over his food just moments ago. “…You’re awful, you know that?”  Tanos said coldly to Thrin, who just looked away from them rather stiffly as she slowly backed away a bit. “You know he could’ve been making it up!” “Would it harm literally anything to just believe that he had a sister?  Are you proud of yourself, denying him even the absolute bare minimum of trust?”  Tanos asked scathingly, while glaring up at his big sister. “…I apologize,” Thrin said, just loudly enough to hear, before stiffly turning and leaving as abruptly as her massive frame would allow. “…She meant the apology,” Tanos said to Rivis rather awkwardly.  Rivis calmed himself after a moment and managed to sit up straight.   “…Of course she would think I’m lying.  There really are people who do what she said…  More than I’d care to admit… People who give themselves up for money…  People who give their kids up for money…  But… it’s…  that’s how it is!  Royalty like you wouldn’t understand!  You wouldn’t understand the desperation, the helplessness, the pain, the terror…  You just live here, eating heavenly food until you’re tight and round and not worrying about anything!”  Rivis cried. “…You’re right,” Tanos replied simply.  “I… I’m sorry I don’t understand that kind of life.  That kind of pain,” “…I… thank you…”  Rivis said. “You’re welcome…  But… your food is going to get cold.  And you still never explained how you can talk to us so easily.”  Tanos said. “It’s an extension of my magic.  There are a few minor things these limiters I wear don’t prevent, especially now that I’m in Adimyos.  I’m a bit connected with any lifeform near me.  Our energy automatically begins to exchange in a balanced cycle.  It’s only a weak sort of thing, but with some practice you can manipulate it enough to more easily understand someone’s thoughts and feelings, and it works the same for them.” “Definitely didn’t seem that way with Thrin or the guards…”  Tanos said. “Like I said, it’s weak.  It works much better when someone is actually open and cooperative like you,” Rivis explained.  “Negativity and distrust easily disrupts it, but at least everyone still understands my words, so I suppose I can live with it.”       “Well, I’m glad you’ve finally cleared that up.  Now… please try your best to finish your meal.   You look far too skinny,” Tanos said. “I was expecting I’d get even skinnier, honestly.  But the food I was given as a prisoner here was already much better than I was expecting.  Sometimes better than what I was already being fed before, actually.” “Really?  You were actually satisfied with such sad portions?” Tanos asked. “Probably the best part of being a prisoner here, honestly…”  Rivis said, which just made Tanos shake his head sadly. “Just finish your meal, please,” Tanos said.  Rivis happily obliged, but hit a wall in only about twenty minutes, as his body began to realize his stomach was at its limit… And yet, his stomach was bulging several times less than Tanos’, which would be much fuller even after a lengthy nap.  Overall, Rivis had probably eaten only about three pounds of the very rich food, for well over 3,000 calories. Tanos merely sat on the end of the bed the entire time, even though he realized he could simply leave.  “Is there anything I can change about it, next time?”  Tanos asked. “It was perfect just like it was… I’ve never had anything so good…”  Rivis said, as he gingerly laid down on the bed to get more comfortable.  “It’s a wonder you’re still only that big, eating so much of this perfect food every day…”  Rivis said. “It’s a difference in the bodies of my people.  There’s a certain stage we need to get past before we can get too enormous.  It’s called the Great Shift.  I’m hoping mine will be over soon, I’m quite overdue by now,” Tanos said. “I… uhm… I wish you luck with that, Prince,”  Rivis said with a small smile. “Thank you… But you must be getting tired now.  I’ll leave you to rest.  Someone will come get the plate for you,” Tanos said, returning the slight smile as he left the room.   Although it was a bit of a strange situation, it wasn’t exactly unpleasant.

[mrdcallen-blog]

Dropping Out Part 6 (Final): To An End and New Beginnings.

When we received orders to move. I was excited. I mean, I was sad to be leaving my friends. But, I was hopeful that I could save any chance at an education I might have. I found out that we were moving to Missouri. At the time, I didn’t know anything about Missouri. I was just happy to get out of Hawaii.

When we arrived in Missouri. We spent a good few weeks (it felt more like a few months) living in temp housing. I remember that I kept bugging my mom to take me to register for school. I wanted to get in right away. It was my senior year and, I didn’t want to waste any time. I was excited to be graduating (or, so I thought).

When we went to register, I was surprised at the size of the school. It was maybe one-fourth the size of the school I came from. I remember the principal saying that there were a few seniors. I don’t remember the exact number though. He ran over the school rules and stuff like that.

“Each student gets their own laptop that they return at the end of the year.” He said. My jaw dropped.

“A laptop?” I was astounded. We didn’t have anything close to this from the school I came from.

He nodded his head and I finished registering for my classes. I managed to avoid having to take math. Thank goodness. Oh, and I got my laptop. He said that everything was done online. That was new to me. I didn’t know how to submit things online.

As excited as I was, I should have taken the hint. I was behind in credits. I should have taken that as a sign and fucking ran. But no, I stayed.

“Unfortunately, there, you only needed six credits a year to graduate. Here, you need eight.” I remember hearing his words and my heart dropped. “Don’t worry though, we can get those credits forgiven easily.” I felt better after he said that.

To that school’s credit. They did get the credits forgiven. I was thankful for that. But, that was all the support they gave me. Even when I asked for more, I didn’t receive any.

As the weeks went on, things slowly became worse for me. I had a “friend” that tried to start things with me. I don’t remember what it was about. I do remember getting a text from her saying, “You better watch your back.” I told my teacher about this since she was in the same class as I was.

“You can either deal with this threat and send her down to the principal or, I’ll call the police.” I’ve had to deal with people like her before.

“You’re bigger than her. Do you really think anyone will believe you?” He didn’t care at all. “Now, go back to your seat.”

Are you fucking kidding me? No one would believe me? What sort of backward ass state is this? I knew at that moment, I would have no support from the school.

A few days later, one of her friends ended up shoving me in the hall. I didn’t tell anyone. I already knew it would be pointless. I wouldn’t get any help anyway.

My classes weren’t going so well either. This whole, “paperless” thing really confused me. No one showed me how to submit anything online. Oh, and my history class. The teacher wanted us to memorize a hundred vocab words as well as the notes. This wasn’t even an honors class. I wasn’t used to this type of work. I tried my best to keep up with him. I even went to all of his extra credit movies at six in the morning. I just couldn’t keep up with everything.

It was the middle of my senior year when I visited the counselor again. I talked to her and told her that I was falling way too far behind. I asked to be put in a remedial history class. She said they didn’t have any. I knew that was an outright lie since I had a friend that was in one. I told her that I didn’t know what to do.

“Well, dropping out is an option.” Her words still ring in my head today.

Did I just hear her right? What the hell? Did she really just say that? Dropping out as an option? What the hell is this school?

I was furious. But, I had my answer. I went home and told my parents. They were mad at first. Then, they realized that they couldn’t stop me (since I was eighteen at the time). So, the next day, I dropped out.

The actual GED process really wasn’t too hard for me. I went and studied hard. I ended up receiving my GED on my first try, and before that high school finished! It was the Friday before Mother’s Day. When I opened the letter. Both my mom and I cried. We were so happy. We were proud. My dad was proud.

Now? Now, I’ve just finished my AA degree and going on to receive my BA. I’m planning on joining the Peace Corps to teach for a bit. Then, who knows what I’ll do? I know I want to help people. Even though my experiences with school wasn’t all too great, I’m still a huge advocate for education and helping others receive the education they deserve. Currently, I’m a volunteer tutor to help adults learn how to read, write, and perform basic math so they can get into GED classes and receive their GEDs as well. That in itself is so rewarding to me.

Thank you all so much for reading this. It really means the world to me. Hopefully, this story has helped in some small way. Or, even just entertained y’all! Anyway, thanks again!

[ecotone99]

[RF] Inhibitions make the man

Hey first time posting on Reddit, I wrote this story and just felt the need to share it. Feel free to leave any criticism positive or negative. Just thank you for reading

“Why are you sleeping, Tom?” were the last words I remember hearing before drifting off to a peaceful night sleep.

I begrudgingly woke up to intense screeching of my alarm clock, it sounded like when teachers used to scratch their witch like fingers down the chalkboard in order to get the attention of a class who was not prepared for the period as I was not prepared for another day in the machine. I went through the motions of my morning routine, gliding my feet along the floor in order to reach the next part of the day, to reach the next clog.

First put on the same clothes I’ve been wearing for weeks an off white t-shirt, blue jeans, and a belt I got from my father before he left me and my sisters. Next in the kitchen I drop two pieces of toast into the toaster knowing full well they will come out charred as a log in the fire just before it crumbles to ash. I pour my coffee into the mug, black as the black hole of a room I sleep my nights away in. My old beaten flip phone rings with my eldest sisters tone, ringing like an ear after gun has shot right next to it, without hesitation i send her to voicemail. I have no reason to listen to her ramble on about me seeing her and her kids. The toast shot out out of the toaster and falls on the floor the spring in the toaster shattering falling into the electronics burning out the circuit. I walk to pick up my toast from the floor to see a rat stealing one of the slices, with a sigh i pick up the remaining slice and put it one of my White Castle napkin ive been using as plates. Finally i'm ready to leave for my job as an accountant at the local bank.

I walk into work exactly on time as I do every day, but I hear a voice calling my name, I turn around to see nobody their and continue as I usually do. I once again hear my name in the distance like the echo of a dream you would have had months ago that you can't remember, but you know you had. I go to my desk and open my filing cabinet to get started to work only to find it filled with the ashes from the files, a loaded handgun, a rubber band filled with hundreds and a note saying “Had fun last night with my turn can't wait for the next one.” confused, and terrified I fall into my chair as if I had been frozen by ice and pushed backwards by a single finger. That’s when the voice I had heard outside returned, “I see you saw my note.” I do a full 360 spin in my chair to find who is their only to hear, “not going to see me out there, i'm in here” followed by quite snickering laugh.

“ Where are you!” I screamed as if I was speaking to someone on the other side of the building.

“You okay Tom?” asked a nearby coworker

“Don't let them think your crazy wouldn't want us to get stuck in an asylum would you?” whispered the voice.

“Fine, just tired.” I said in a hushed voice to the clog who pretended to care for me. He leaves walking down the same path in the office used by every person, walked down so often that there's clear footprints indented into the hardwood. “Who are you?” I cautiously asked not wanting to draw any more attention.

“ Don't you remember? You invited me out of the deepest cracks in your mind.” the voice spoke in a smug tone that clearly showed that although he did not control the body he was in control of the mind. “ im you, the you that's deep down i'm every dark impulse you have, every taboo you wish you could comite, I am the real you.”

“I don't want you here! What did you do?!? Where did you get the money and gun from?” I frantically asked wanting to know what the voice made me do the night before.

“Don't worry, the little old lady's family probably expected her to die soon anyway, besides now you can quite this job. I got you her money so no need to stay here and wallow in the collective sadness of this place.” the voice proclaimed with such vigor that my head began to throb.

The voice was right though the sadness in the workspace was like thick oil making everyone move efficiently but without hope for escape. In fear of submitting here and the voice doing whatever unspeakable things he wants i do as he says I walk to my bosses office unknowingly avoiding the footprints ive walked in so many times before. I tell my boss that I quite his hopeless job and left with a little birdy over my shoulder. Though I didn't want to admit it to the voice it felt good to leave on my own terms. I race to my office grab everything from my office that the voice left in fear of someone finding it and leave the building wondering what to do with my new found freedom, maybe i'll go and see my sister for the first time in years.

“Good idea” the voice boomed so loud in the back of my head that i collapsed.

I awoke over the fresh corpse of my beloved sister whom I'd tried to shut out of my like so many times. All she was ever trying to do was help me, comfort me maybe if I had let her in this never would have happened. The tears wouldn't stop flooding out my eyes like a damn that held back the entire Pacific ocean had broken all at once. I'd taken away my nieces mother, my father just left me and I never let my family back in but they just had their mother taken from them.

“Enjoying my handy work?” The voice sneered “Don't worry it wasn't brutal I just came in while she was making mac and cheese for when her kids get home in a while. She had just finished putting the water on the stove so i talked to her to by time for ot to boil then when it boiling was as rapid as the water pouring of niagara falls i shoved her face into the water until she drowned, all while her face burned and blistered. ”

Is this what I've become? I wanted to kill her just because she was reaching out, she hadn't done anything wrong ever she was the kindest soul I've ever met. It scared me that I would connect and she would just leave but that wasn't her plan she wanted to help me heal and now I killed her. I have to get rid of this voice before it takes over completely, but how do you get rid of something that only exist in your head? “Hey if I die you die to right? You live in my head so if I go so do you?” I said as I rush through tying a hangman's knot before I lose control

“But why would you want to do that?” The voice said but for the first time he sounded nervous “I do what you really want! You should love me!”

“Those impulses you claim I want to do aren't me, I never wanted my sister dead I just wanted to protect myself from her being gone! Now I don't need to protect myself because all I have is gone..” I slide rope over the steel beam exposed in her apartment securing it with a slip knot which I never thought I'd is when my dad taught it to me before he left, “...so you've shown me not to be scared and I'm not scared of you but I can't allow you to live even if it means I have to go with you.” I slide my head through the knot and the voice starts screaming.

“Are you sure this is what you want to do? You have a new chance at life without the ties of family, I've given you everything to make a new life won't you take it?” the voice asked as if he was trying to push me out the loop but it wouldn't work.

“I'm sorry sister, this is all my fault but I won't allow it to happen to anyone else…” my words trail off into the ray of sun coming through her window. I look into the light seeing how every life has purpose and I may have failed at mine but I can stop the voice from accomplishing it's. I accept that I must do this to keep everyone safe.

“WAIT… this isn't what I wanted for us, we we were supposed to do so much! You were supposed to accept me!” The voice screams, but it's voice fades for a second but then whispers its final words, ”So, this is fear.”

I kick the chair out from beneath me sending me and this voice, who's shown me everything I hate and love about myself, that it's not the dark impulses that make the man, everyone has those what makes the man is what he isn't willing to do.

submitted by /u/therealgavingayle [link] [comments] via Blogger http://bit.ly/2Hlsktq

[mnovenia]

A GLIMPSE OF HEAVEN 

When was the last time you feel like butterflies are flying inside your stomach? When was the last time you realize that you are valueble, you accomplish something great, you belong somewhere? How do you feel when you know that you are ACCEPTED?

March 22nd, 2017 - The Day I Will Never Forget, I received an email:

Dear Marshella,

thank you for you application for the MIBM programme at Hanze UAS! We have checked your application file and we are pleased to inform you that you can be fully accepted. You will receive the letter of acceptance shortly, 

We look forward to welcoming you to Hanze UAS coming September!

You can prepare your StuNed application, please let us know if you need any documents for it.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Kind regards, Ekaterina Gurchenkova Enrolment Officer Master Programmes Member of the Admissions Committee Hanze University of Applied Sciences, Groningen Mobile/WhatsApp: +31 6 519 549 62 International Business School www.hanze.nl/ibs

After a long time waiting for something like this to happen, God finally reveal His direction for me. The first attempt to pursue a higher level of education was already popped up a long time ago. When I was an undergrad student, I went to see my professor for finalizing my thesis. His name is Prof. John JOI Ihallaw. He’s kind hearted, professional, heart-warming and respectful to everyone, simply the one that students look up to. He told me about his experience of getting a degree from a reputable university in the US, through a scholarship programme by President Suharto. It’s still vivid in my mind, right in his room, building F, morning time, I promise myself, one day I will also tell my story to people that God also enable me to go and pursue a higher education abroad. Not only Prof JOI, my favorite lecture Pak Radit also shared his story of him being granted a scholarship to pursue his education in Canada.

I have no idea how to turn that promise into reality, where should I look, who can help me, and so on.. Graduating from undergrad study, I tend to look for a job so I don’t need to depend on my parent’s monthly allowance anymore. I applied to go to Singapore, it’s failed and cost a lot of money. So I continue to work, while sending my friends one by one to the airport, because they got to go to London, Birmingham, Shanghai, etc to pursue a higher education.

I wish I could join them, but I burried all the envious feeling and jealousy deep in my heart, I just didn’t want to add more burden to my parents, it was all just seemed impossible, and so I just want to be independent at the first place. 

2013, my mother changed her job to a company in which the boss said he wanted to support my mom to send her children to go abroad for study. I was so excited, I was looking for so many school options and trying to apply. I finally being brave to tell few people that I actually have a deep longing to go back to school. But then, few months later, my family experienced the hardest time of our life. My mom lost her job, we sell most of our belongings, I got to sell my saving in a form of gold in order to pay my mom’s debt because she didn’t even receive her last salary. Looking for a high paid job for my mom’s age was not easy at all. Even after she found a new job, it was hard for her, she was very sick then we figured out that she had cancer. And we can’t save her..

Me and the whole family was hit to the very core bottom during those year. Never in my mind to stop and thinking about my dreams, it was all shattered. All I was thinking w just how to continue this life, without the anchor of my family, how to adjust my life by being a mom to my brother, a care taker for my father, self comforter by preaching to myself that it’s all gonna be okay, and life goes on. On the other side, this situation also force me to work harder because now I’m not only responsible to my own self, but I also have to support my longtime jobless father and newbie employee brother at that time. 

Going through all these reminds me that God is the only provider of all things exist in this world, He takes and gives away. According to His plan. 

Juggling through family problems, financial resource, health issues, church, ministry, social life and responsibility somehow made me feel lonely in this road. Like literally. While a Godly man sent by God is still somewhere in the corner, these routines bore me somehow.

Changing job doesn’t seem inviting, until January 2016, on a church retreat, God opened my eyes. I met lots of great people, they’re open minded, confident, and so put together. I look up to them, a lot, most of them are graduated from various reputable universities. At that time I was wearing a hoodie, given by Michelle, stated: “Penn State University”. Everytime she’s going home, if she asked what I want her to bring, I always said something small from university that you happen to visit. Simply because those things are what I value the most. I always wanted to wear one of those things as if I’m an alumni, yet I’m not. But when I wore it, two persons slap me on the face. One said: ‘Hmm, Penn State? Did you go there?’ (i’m ok with him since he’s a foreigner and probably just want open up a conversation), second one said: ‘whose hoodie are you wearing?’ (I was so embarrassed, she looked down to me and I know, because nobody ever thought I’d ever be able to be an alumni of such reputable university, simply because I didn’t get a chance to study overseas like them). Never mind, ignore my over sensitive pride and anger.

Anyway long short story, I knew this one guy was graduated from HU, he’s so kind, well behaved, smart and just basically adorable. Deep in my heart I always want to be compatible to talk to someone like him. Till I read his blog and it renewed my faith, there is still a man like this in this strange world. He came from a usual family but he’s faithful to God and he’s given open door to study all over the world with tons of achievements. For me it’s like: I want to grow up like him. 

I started to remember again about my childhood dreams and convicted that it’s not too late to start living up that dreams again, one of those is to study overseas. How? Thankful for opportunities and scholarships available in my country, and when I look back? My educational background is not bad at all. So first step that I did is taking TOEFL test. I was rushing because I wanted to follow LPDP’s timeline. I studied in between work (mostly I spent few hours after work at office) ministry at church, arranging different events, and so on then I managed to take the test on March 2016.

In between of family drama that cause me to sell my investment (gold) to cover my family’s fraud, and using my coworker’s credit card to pay for the test (thanks Tjung Mega). It was a great time to spent at home, with my father, without internet, away from my routine, and being treated like little girl again. And when I took the test at Vista Bandung, it feels so awesome. I met plenty of people from all over places, taking test for the sake of pursuing their dreams, and I feel so very accomplished because simple I DID IT, after a long hours of enduring the study, stress, worry and fear but well, thank God for the opportunity, I was like don’t mind at all to sell my belongings for taking TOEFL test :’)

I was waiting till I decided which school should I register, my hope LDPD was gone, I couldn’t make it on schedule. Then I interacted with a Alfan Rezani which I know from Indonesia Mengglobal. I was hesitate but his email reply after reply somehow give me hope. When the time was due, I hesitate still to send my application. I remember that christmas/new year time at Michelle’s house, I was so confused, stressed, under pressured and have no peace at all. One thing I know of, I didn’t pray for this matter because I was afraid that this was just a selfish desire. So basically that shows how I rely on my own strength.

And then I found out for the first time that I can’t bear any longer. All the pressure I put to myself, about my future school, relationship with Sam and different expectations, caused me being hospitalized for the first time in my life.

After I went out of the hospital, I dare myself to just submit my halfway school application to Aarhus University, simply because I received a deadline reminder. Then I watched Lalaland movie that made me so proud because I dared myself to submit an application, finally, one very small step but yet I found it was brave enough HAHA. Behind the story: of course I wouldn’t be able to pay the app fee which cost me around 70 euro and so I asked my coworker’s credit card again (thanks Juned), and promise him to pay in installment for 3 months. I was waiting, hoping for any answer from AU then finally an email came and they asked me for course description of my previous study. With another drama, it was so hard to get the document from my old uni, that cause another headache (thanks Nongky for all the help). After I submitted the additional document, I didn’t reallyy remember what’s going on. Suddenly it’s a day after my birthday. I was still celebrating myself here and there, and on March 2nd, 2017 I opened an email from Aarhus University: (my heart was pounding like crazy, I said God, this email can either change my life because I get to go to Denmark or the opposite) and it said:

Application to Economics and Business Administration - International Economic Consulting, summer intake rejected due to lack of qualifications

I couldn’t remember how I handle the feeling In my life, I didn’t receive many rejections. Applying for jobs, schools, even to be friend with someone, I was mostly got accepted. I processed this rejection in a poor way. I was just trying to be strong, tell myself that it’s ok, the world is still going round, I tried so hard to not see God as a bad provider, and of course, I didn’t tell anyone about it.

Trying to handle that myself caused me a bad bad anxiety problem, I got so insecured, I lost my confidence and kind of lack of appettite to do anything. Different celebrations that people made for my birthday didn’t even help, until poured this to Michelle and she prayed for me she listened to me and cooked for me. She’s truly a God-sent friend.

March 12, 2017

It’s a day after my mom’s birthday, she supposed to turn 57 if she’s still alive.

I was at my bedroom on Saturday night. I was tempted to watch something bad but turned out that I saw a scholarship page from Nuffic Neso, about Stuned, Orang Tulip Scholarship, NFP, etc. I was interested because it hasn’t due, I mean, I still have time to apply. I scroll back and forth, I asked God which one which one, I downloaded few brochures from different uni, until I don’t know why I register to Hanze University of Applied Sciences (the possible due date maybe is the reasone why). And: DANG, it’s due in a week after I accidentally registered myself. 

Dear Marshella, We thank you for applying for one of the study programmes offered by Hanze University of Applied Sciences, Groningen (Hanze UAS). Hanze UAS has assigned you the Student number 373079. Please mention this number when communicating with Hanze UAS, so we are able to assist you better. I knew that I have to submit my full application before March 19th, which I know I’ll be away to my hometown for my bestfriend’s bridalshower. I was like why God why that date, I knew I would be so busy preparing everything, but it means I have to submit before March 17th because I can’t do that from Bandung.

Of course with a touch of Michelle’s help I managed to submit online, I was ready to pay for another application fee charge, I was just don’t care because I see an open door, I have peace in my heart and I know God was alongside me and make the universe conspires to help me. The last thing I have to do is to click ‘submit your application’, and then THAT’s ALL. Hanze UoA didn’t ask for application fee, PRAISE PRAISE to the almighty God.

Around 5 days after I submit, I was at my office and doing regular email check then I found that Hanze UoA has accepting me as one of their student!! I shared the news with my LCG Amel, Michelle, Nongky, Juni and Ci Sisca.

Then I thought, what now? I just need to figure out how to pay and what kind of scholarship I can apply. In the midst of so many things, I managed to apply to Stuned (a bit tight, again because it’s due before my long-awaited trip to Coldplay concert in Singapore). Again Michelle help me and Juni gave me her cousin’s contact to help me for my application. I asked Cheri, Kara who went through the same situation. It enhances my knowledge but still I didn’t know what to expect, I am afraid if I put too much expectations, but I don’t want to be hopeless and not trusting God for this matter. 

To be honest, I doubt myself too, there are so many greater people out there that deserve this scholarship. But it also hurts to think of ‘why not me’, is it because I am half chinese? My life is not miserable enough? My so-so job? And many other things that can hinder me to believe that I deserve a scholarship, to be able to find fund for my master degree, to trust that if God gave me this desire and He doesn’t just give to take it away again. But one thing I’m sure of, if He wants me to go, He will make a way, and He will open the door no matter how people and even myself won’t :)

Jeremiah 29:11-14  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord,

Amsal 23: 18  Karena masa depan sungguh ada,dan harapanmu tidak akan hilang.