#as i have learned. this mainly just means ill never get it done

[unstablenoodle]

Just graduated, and I’ve been dragging myself by my hair through the last 4 years. here’s advice if you’re new to college:

Basic advice:

Make friends in your lectures. You will know some of those people all four years, and some of them are better at this than you. You’re still capable, but there’s always a bigger fish and you should make that fish into a study buddy

Get a job at a food court/ campus restaurant. You get a free meal, which might be your only one for the day if you don’t have a meal plan. Work can also be a mental break from academics.

Abuse office hours. Annoy your TA. make them scared to see you. TA’s are tired grad students and you won’t have a formal relationship with them: they are students too.

Study advice:

Flash cards are for review and rote learning only. 15-30 minute power review sessions for things you already know. If you’re going over familiar shit, do it in short, repetitive bursts.

Be the bitch with annoying decorative notes. Make it a game, it’ll force you to look at the material more. I will say though, make sure you decorate with purpose.

Those friends you made in lecture? That’s where you get the big studying done. If you’re going for a higher 4 hour long study sesh, bring other people. They know things you don’t and vice versa, so you can fill in the gaps for each other. This type of studying is for unfamiliar or confusing material.

Big study sessions usually only happen a couple weeks out from exams at most. Before exams, your homework is your main means of studying.

Just go to the lecture. I don’t care if it’s at 7:30 am, go. Participation points could be the difference between a B and a C.

TI-84 graphing calculator

Pub chem

If a professor, for some ungodly reason, says you aren’t allowed to work on the homework with other people, fuck that guy.

Your $168.99 textbook is likely a free PDF online.

Date someone who fills in your gaps. I dated an engineer I met in a physics class and it worked beautifully.

Mental health (my advice on this is very specific):

Basic advice: drink water regularly, eat vegetables, exercise. You know all this.

Stay far, far away from any substance called a “study buddy” or something like that

Get a hobby. Actually. Something to do in your free time to keep you from going insane. I personally like knitting and drawing, but it can be anything. I’d say avoid something involving technology because it’s easy to fall into that for hours at a time. Do something that engages your hands and your brain. You might not be creative, but creativity is good for you. Your painting looks like shit? The benefits you have reaped from its creation are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Good job.

If you are having any kind of hallucination (visual, auditory, presence, etc.), seek professional help immediately. I have lived half my life with the feeling of eyes on me and the presence of people who aren’t actually there and never tried to fix it because I could “work around it.” Just go get help. Hallucinations can also be a symptom of neurological issues and physical illness.

OCD and disorders involving psychosis are aggravated by stress. Your classes will stress you out. Disorders like this are scary and debilitating, so you absolutely need to be in therapy, possibly on medication. They also tend to be episodic, so you may have periods of recovery where your life quality improves. Do NOT be fooled: you still need to be in therapy even if you feel good. Preventative measures are the best measures!!

Social:

Get a job. Work friends are funnier and way more entertaining than any other kind of friend

I recommend a group of 2-4 people you chill with regularly. Movie night with them once a week (barring exam weeks and extenuating circumstances)

Talk with your roommates at least occasionally. It’s no fun living with total strangers.

Do not start smoking cigarettes. A lot of people are repulsed by the smell and it clings to you.

Hygiene. Mainly you should smell good. You don’t have to go crazy with an expensive perfume/ cologne, but shower and always have a decent scent. Also try not to wear stained clothes.

Not sure how useful this is, but it’s the first thing I could think of. I’ll come back and edit if I think of more.

[byhuenii]

⊱☆⊰ SONGS THAT REMINDS CHISHIYA OF YOU

usually these type of songs arent up chishiya’s style but he has them liked because you enjoy them, and he has grown quite fond of them; something he wont admit. he listens to them so he can hum to them along with you, sing them with you (which is mainly him whispering the lyrics to hear you sing), and maybe even serenade you to sleep on rough days he cant sleep himself. (takes place in the boderlands)

: features fluff and angst. - Chishiya x GN!Reader

(i recommend listening to the songs in this order)

Back on 74 - Jungle.

this song is something that was so welcoming yet so you, when he first listened to it he could imagine you dancing singing this song all across your apartment that he spent so much time at. the comfort of your home that became his comfort. this song reminded him of all the times you guys were having a clean day and the blinds were open and you used the broom as a fake mic doing a fake concert infront of chishiya, dances, singing, even dragging him into it. he hrown to be quite found of it.

Getaway Car - Taylor Swift.

kinda funny because the getaway car the two of you were supposed to get in with ann kuina and them ended up leaving cause of the grenade on the floor. but in seriousness this song was one of the first songs you played when you were chishiya. he wasnt really fan of mainstream pop but this song felt something and done something to him to him that he couldn’t even describe. he would always put this song on whenever he is with you, belting your heart out to this song could always bring a smile to his face. “Think about the first time where you met me” oh he always does and he thanks he went there to that cafe that day. he just wishes you never were here in this hell of a hole with him.

The Adults Are Talking - The Strokes

he never got this song but the more he listened and watched your face light up whenever it came on, holding his hand pulling him closer to you made him understand how great this song was to you. it had such a early morning vibe that this song he would make sure to play to lift your spirits in the morning on his ipod in the boderlands. he made sure to get every song he could remember and that was enough for you to just love him.

Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) - Taylor Swift.

Oh gosh the amount of times you played this to cheer yourself up was unthinkable. you would belt the lyrics to chishiya never breaking eye contact. you can tell he enjoyed it. the harsh games were so draining for the both of you, even when he had the whole plane to betray usagi and arisu. chishiya knew the song but didn’t know it like you do. “Horrified looks from everyone in the room but i’m only looking at you.” was it crazy to say he was only looking at you when he got all the looks from arisu and usagi hell even niragi. oh god maybe he was deeper in love with you than he thought.

Congratulations - Mac Miller

there was something about this song, you didnt have this song in your playlist or anything but he heard it once from your phone and he had to add it. the gracefulness about this song was you, the lyrics was you, the confession was you. when he told tou he loved you for the first time this was the song that played. the song that played before you two were in this hell hole of boderlands was this song, and the song the two will listen to first after getting out is this song. he learned the meaning of love from you and this song.

21 - Gracie Abrams.

“Ill be the love of your life inside your head” you were always his love his life. he always knew you found his soulmate, he knew no matter what he wanted you, he always knew you were perfect for him and how he was perfect for you. the two of you had been together since your 20’s and the fact its called 21 is funny because thats when he really did in fact tell you he loved you. thats when he really did lay down his feelings for you. thats really when he always found himself dreaming and loving you, sometimes he cant help but listen to this song and think of all the ways to get you out of the boderlands safely even if that meant he had to die. “Lights in and its black and white, I couldn’t stay forever”

Let You Break My Heart Again - Laufey.

this was your favorite song. this sing was the song you would always post chishiya and yourself to on social media, though chishiya was never a big social media he had it for you, he did everything he wouldnt do for you. this song wouldve never crossed his mind but for you it did. he hated it. he hated how you corrupted his brain, he hated how you corrupted his music taste. he hated the fact you took the gunshot from niragi. he hated that even in your last breathes you still smiled humming this melody to him hand placed on his cheek creasing it like the two of you were in the real world laying down in bed embracing eachothers presences. all the pain and suffering he went through he hated it, he wished to forget and to forget about your death he did. having to face the truth once he woke up from that crude world into the real empty one without you.

[hazshit-hotel-hater]

The way substance abuse has been handled on the show thus far genuinely upsets me and reeks of writers who either 1.) don't understand the subject matter they're presenting and haven't done even the bare minimum to research it or, worse, 2.) simply don't care.

Apologies for the slight rant incoming, your comment about how it has been mostly "handled" off-screen got me going because that's 100% true and in that truth is such a missed opportunity for the show. The way it has been handled winds up feeling incredibly shallow and juvenile at the end of the day, especially for a piece of media that is attempting to present itself as "adult" and navigate multiple incredibly sensitive topics. I'll try not to get into my own personal experiences and will speak broadly, but the show uses substance abuse more as a cheap character flaw to poke fun at or something to magically handwave away when it is inconvenient, rather than the life-altering, debilitating illness that it is.

Nothing about Angel's use is ever meaningfully explored. It's so (apparently) unimportant to his arc and development that one rude comment from Husk (a character who ALSO has a problem with gambling and alcohol that is never addressed) is all it takes for him to suddenly "resist temptation" and be shown as "recovered" (unless I'm misremembering). Or was he suddenly going to counseling off-screen too and its just another thing that will be told to us rather than shown? And how does Charlie even handle that at the Hotel (I'd be really interested in this as a moment for her character to have to grow/change too)? Does she even understand substance abuse and the many unaddressed systemic factors that can influence it? Or is the entire recovery process just shame based (because that works so well /s) combined with some more corny trust exercises? Why is this incredibly serious topic relegated to the background as if it's unimportant?

Recovery is hard. It is emotional and exhausting. Withdrawal (depending on what you're coming off of) can sometimes mean excruciating, unimaginable pain and in some cases people literally die. It is not a funny "ha-ha I take drugs because I'm chaotic and wild" quirk to be adored or glorified and it definitely should not be presented as something that can be wrapped up in a month or two off-screen without any development whatsoever. That's just insulting.

When you approach a topic like substance abuse and recovery, I personally feel you need to take in all sides of it. All the missteps that come with it (two steps forward one step back - mistakes are expected and okay), the self-loathing, the guilt and shame, the joy, the sense of freedom, the loss, and the best part of all: the incredibly difficult but liberating journey that is rebuilding your life and learning to love yourself and your body again, once you've chosen to be free and to live life.

Mad props to anyone who has ever battled this disease. You are strong, you are worth it and you are valued. Lol I am so sorry for going off here but I so appreciate you calling out the lack of exploration on this topic in the show. I guess I didn't even realize how annoyed and upset it was making me feel (praying this is coherent...).

This was absolutely coherent don’t worry!! Im really glad to see other people talking about this. I myself have not struggled with drug addiction but I have struggled with other kinds and as someone that studies a bunch of medical junk, I’d say I’m decently knowledgeable.

I’m mainly going to focus on Angel for this since he’s the main character I write for, but I assure you other characters addictions are also handled in my rewrite.

During the actual canon show, we don’t see Angel actually abusing substances that often; there’s a few times, most notably in episode 4, but from the rest of the show onward we hardly see anything. Yes in episode 6 they mentioned relapsing, which, mind you, was done horribly, but I digress. They touch on relapsing; Angel relapses, and then… what..??? What happened from that? I don’t feel upset or second hand guilt of any kind from this scene because we haven’t seen Angel’s attempts to stay sobre and off drugs.

His name is fucking Angel Dust. You don’t, I dunno, think that’d entail a higher dependency on drugs? Why do you think he named himself that?

About his name before anything else, the show has so much potential later on to talk about Angel picking out his drag name and why he chose that specifically. So much potential to explore how he views drugs and himself. He sees them as an escape and something “fun” to take his mind off of his actual life. When you die in a fucking coma and wake up in hell as a spider you’re going to want an escape. You will want to ignore reality. I am fully convinced Angel picked his name once he started performing because thats what he needed at the time. He needs to be like that to survive in hell. Angel is an incredibly mentally ill, troubled, traumatised, and unstable person, and being surrounded by so much intense negative influence only amplifies his current problems. I don’t mean to drag Vox in here but in my last redesign post I mentioned how very mildly bad people can become even worse people in hell because of the environment and this is no different for Angel. He’s been surrounded by crime and drugs his entire life and unable to live comfortably because of his sexuality. He has very likely been struggling with substances since he was a teen. Possibly even younger. He is not going to suddenly get over his addiction because of something like this. It could pave the way to him looking into dealing with it, but things like this can take years. I don’t remember when my addiction started; I’ve been clean for 2 1/2 years now I think, but the amount of relapsing and anguish I experienced while working towards that isn’t something that can be done in a few days or months. I still struggle with feeling like I deserve to say I’m recovering.

I’m hoping they tactfully handle this as they should, but my hopes are low. It’s okay to show a character relapsing. It’s okay to show a character feeling guilty. What matters is that the struggle is there to signify they’re trying. For a character with a song called “Addict” you really don’t see much of it. Drug and alcohol addiction is not a silly thing to just twiddle your fingers with and be like “well I guess thats over!” It’s incredibly insensitive to do so.

Whenever I write about Angel’s struggles with addictions, I focus on how small they can feel until you realise what’s actually happening. Just me talking about my rewrite again, but to get my ideas out here: Angel smokes often. He smokes at the studio when he’s stressed, he smokes at the hotel when he’s stressed, he smokes at in alleyways when he’s bored, there’s almost no location he won’t, but sometimes he tries to smoke less. His lungs aren’t the same as humans and technically he has 2 pairs of lungs, but smoking causes him to cough. This is painful in general and especially painful for Angel since he has barbs going down the back of his throat. Imagine choking on sandpaper, kind of like that. It’s painful, he doesn’t like the sound, Fat Nuggets REALLY doesn’t like the sound, and it’s an overall inconvenience, so he tries to stop smoking as much. Periods like this usually go fine for him until the stress returns or he starts to feel the withdrawal. Withdrawal from any sort of addiction is terrible, and in Angel’s case, just from not smoking it worsens his mental state further. He becomes irritable and stressed and that stress leads to wanting to smoke again to calm down. He may resist a few times and those times should be praised, but he gives in eventually. One cigarette to calm down becomes two, then three, and before he can process himself getting carried away, the entire pack is gone. It’s things like this that make addiction horrible. It’s something that deeply scared me when I was struggling. When I was struggling I was still in the mindset of “I can stop when I want to” and then being so suddenly hit in the face with the realisation that I’m not longer in control of this is terrifying. I could not stop when I wanted to. There were even points where I didn’t want to stop. Even just getting the smallest glimpse of this in an incredibly serious manner with Angel Dust would surprise me. To think the bar is this low on a show that seemingly prides itself on tackling such sensitive topics like you said is appalling. Your show shouldn’t have to be told how to write itself.

[ivanzplaid]

Can I have some head cannons for Otis Driftwood, The Grabber, Thomas Hewitt and the Sinclair brothers if you write for them with a male s/o who whenever they do something wrong, break something, set a boundary etc they start apologizing profusely kind of in fear due to past partners? I understand if this is kinda too dark

TYSMM🫶🫶 i love this sm, of course i can do those! but fr thank you for this request, its refreshing to have not just a grabber request, and dw, this isnt too dark, ive done worse 🫡 and x male readers r my fave to write for!!

i dont know how to feel abt these so they might be ooc but i hope not too much, i need to get a feel for them more💔 this made me watch house of wax and i found out i love bo LMFAOO

alsooo, i reached 200 followers!! tysmm!!!! i have smth planned, sooo if youd like smth written, ask and ill tell yall what im thinkin

requests r open, masterlist is up!!! these motivate me ilyg :)

Warnings: Murder mentions, Slight language / anger, mainly fluff

------------------------------------------------------------

Otis Driftwood

my god he is just head over heels for you, but will make snarky comments to cover it up, doesnt want to show it alot so hes compensates

youve been living with him for a while now, he is so happy to have you, when its just you two he sarcastically tells you how much you mean to him, and will hold you protectively

he is a very protective man

he never really made you feel self conscious about fucking something up, he might make fun of you lightly or let out a "oh for fucks sake" before cleaning jt up, but he was normally just sarcastic, never staying pissed

one night, yall were asleep on his bed together, his arm rested nicely against your stomach, fitting perfectly

you got thirsty, so you carefully maneuvered yourself to get up

its so fucking dark in his room, you cannot see shit

not even two steps off the bed, you hit something, and it clatters to the floor

you can already feel the tears swelling up as you breath faster

you knew what you knocked over

otis's painting he was working on

even just thinking about the consequences made you sob quietly while standing there, afraid to wake him up

this however did wake him up, hearing his boyfriend cry when he was asleep made his senses heightened, all he heard from your dark figure was a small "im so sorry, please dont be mad, i didnt mean to" which was paused by hiccups & sniffling frequently

"what the fuck- oh, oh shit. hey handsome, its alright, just sit over here and tell me why the crying?"

rubs your back, hands & shoulder a lot as you tell him, hes tired and just wants to make you feel better, but the more you sob & talk, the more curious he gets, so he pops the question

"why the hell are you saying sorry so much?"

he didnt mean to put it like that, he knows it was an accident, but his phrasing isnt always the best

however, he is wide awake once youve explained everything, your past, your ex, what they did, and as he sits there quietly listening, he is only seeing red

he thinks so highly of you, why the fuck would anyone do this to you?

he wants the names of them, he is determined to come across them, and inflict nothing short of torture, you didnt deserve any of that

he'll lay off on his famous comments, respecting what he just learned, he doesnt want to lose you, so he adapts his usual demeanor so you arent afraid of him, true fear is reserved for his victims

he praises you a lot since learning it, reassuring you quietly & in his own little ways

he does his best to understand, word will get around the family, and everyone understands, mama is literally so sympathetic towards you & baby likes to talk shit alot abt them with your permission

"I'm so sorry Otis, this is all my fault,"

"Hey there prettyboy, its fine, no need for the crying here!"

//

The Grabber

he is all ears

obviously he has a short temper, but if you get a chance to talk, or to explain yourself, he changes immediately

holding you close, stroking your hair, kissing your forehead

you mightve broken a plate, or smashed a bottle, but he assured you he is going to clean it up, and to mind your steps so you dont cut yourself anywhere

just like otis he wants to hurt them, he should be the only one to make you cry, make you hurt, but not like this

"youre still a good boy, it was a mistake! mistakes are inevitable my dove."

setting a boundary after hearing your past will make him more lenient, easing up on whatever it is, wanting to make you feel more loved by him than anyone else

will be happy you shared this with him, in his mind hes satisfied youre trusting him more! what a fun day!

thinks no differently of you after you shared this, hes happy his boyfriend is comfortable around him, hes happy youre in his life, and now he knows how to please you more!

"Al, thank you for.. understanding everything, its a lot I know, but-"

"You are special, peach. I would do anything to make you comfortable in our home."

//

Bo Sinclair

being a good boyfriend and setting aside his asshole tendencies

he is doing his best, and his best is actually pretty ok

you might've accidentally messed up his workspace, or made some type of boundary, but no matter what, he shows you the upmost respect, at first he was going to tease you, but seeing how upset you were made him pause

"Darlin', don't put too much thought into it, I promise ya I didn't take it to heart,"

he puts an arm around your shoulder or cups your cheek in his hand, rubbing circles on your skin, one of the few times he shows an excessive amount of pda

he follows your boundaries immediately, no questions or doubts about it, will curse to himself if he accidentally crosses it

if you try to apologize profusely, he will first tell you that its fine, hes not angry, kissing your cheek, but if you keep on going, hes going to make you know its fine, whatever he sees fit is what he'll do, he wants you to know he wont hurt or make you feel bad, may get internally frustrated but he cuts it out fast

i can see him at night, once every blue moon, slow dancing with you to show how much he loves you, and how youre still his #1 even after mistakes, this is a rare moment for the both of you, cherish it, but he will be picking the music

king of knowing when youre upset but he will wait to see how upset you are, can read you easily so he has an idea of what to do

hearing your boundaries makes him understand you more, he is may act like a dick, but will take a moment out of his day and listen to what you need to feel loved

bribes lester to see if he can get the ex into town to get his hands on them

"This is alot, I shouldn't be so sensitive about these things,"

"Sweets, this helps me love you more,"

//

Vincent Sinclair

#1 boyfriend right here

he will gaze into your eyes as you talk about it or apologize

wants to hold you ( if youre alright with it ) while you tell him

saying sorry to him makes him feel bad for some reason, he knows you didnt mean to make the mistake, he doesnt want you to hurt

might aswell dream abt making them a wax figure but discarding them, they arent good enough to be put anywhere

if you happen to break something in his little spot, he will think of how it can be replaced, knows how to calm himself down easily so he can communicate with you ( to the best of his abilities )

healthy relationship🙏 ( the most caring you could get for a sinclair brother )

is not afraid to show you how he isnt mad at you, likes for you to spend time with him, sitting while he works, or if you dont prefer that, then having you around while he works with the wax, or just taking a walk with him to calm you down

is a little taken aback at how much youre apologizing, very curious man

will give you things taken from victims, no remorse, less wax, win-win!

//

Lester Sinclair

he.. tries his best

he listens, he focuses on you and nods, showing you that he is in fact paying attention

he does not have the best memory ever, please remind him, he will remember instantly and apologize

"Sorry toots, my memory is a little faded,"

he is so sincere though, he means good intentions

whenever you begin to over apologize he suggests taking a car ride with him, or finding a nice place to sit in peace so you two can talk it out

goofiest damn smile, warms the heart

he can communicate pretty well, better than bo

if you let him, he'll lay down with you while putting an arm around your shoulder, saying how good of a boyfriend you are, how happy he is with you, mainly words of affirmation

really just wants to make you happy, he will do anything

"I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed right now.."

"Wanna take a ride, maybe outta here for a bit?"

-------------------------------------------

im too tired to release a fic tonight, but ill post one tmrw for the requests im getting dw!! again, i cannot tell if this is ass or not so all notes r lit🫡

requests r opennn masterlist is uppp🫶

[aroaceconfessions]

https://aroaceconfessions.tumblr.com/post/694895420173877248/im-writing-a-book-wher HI I HIT SUBMIT TOO EARLY AND ME AND MY SIATER WERE CRYING TEARS OG LAUGHTER AGSHSAA

My dog made me fumble with my phone (he really wanted attention) so blame Peanut

But yeah I'm writing a book and I've got aspec characters in it that deal with alienation/demonization and I'm still working out of the plot but there's monsters (it's basically a slur at first that's later reclaimed) and humans and being a monster is like, an allegory to being queer and neurodivergent and since I've revived the old wip it stemmed from I've been learning so much about my community!! And like!!! This is such a comfort wip omg

I'm not sure when it will be published but you bet your bread I'll have sensitivity readers because I want to represent communities without much rep! I'm just, so excited to publish it when I get there!!

It's about a changeling living in a society that hates beings like him. Over the course of the story he's going to make connections with others like him, learn to overcome his internalized hatred, and eventually accept and appreciate what sets him apart. Very coming of age story with social commentary elements! And that's stuff I can't delve too much into ;)

I never had anything like it growing up and it resulted in a lot of internalized hatred, confusion, and overall discontent. So I'm hoping this book will help people (or otherwise) like me feel seen, heard, and appreciated

I'm trying to include loveless rep, alloaros, romo aros, aroaces, and etc. My MC is aplaro but this isn't something that's fixed or bad!! He's just dealing with a lot! I also wrote one of my mcs to struggle with hormones like I do, another whose dysmorphia stems from his moral dilemmas, and multiple trans characters- some who experience dysphoria and others who don't! My main parent is a transman, there's foster siblings rep, and possibly a wavership that develops between two or more characters!!

And my cast is predominantly POC (mc is culturally east asian, his mom is east asian, a black transgirl, an afro caribbean vampire, mc's foster father is caribbean, etc) because we have enough predominantly white casts and more cultures deserve to be included accurately and with care!

There's lots of friendship, casual intimacy, normalization of unrequited feelings- stuff I preach about on the daily. My main goal with the book is to start conversations about things that only seem to matter to us aspecs

I'll properly advertise it when it's done but yeah the wip means a lot because it's a very personal, very important, very queer! And to think this all began from just a silly little sims 3 file

That's all I can share at the moment!! It's still a wip so a lot is bound to change. I was just sharing what's pretty concrete so far! Mainly because y'all were expressing interest and I'm really enjoying conceptualizing it :D

I also can't spoil too much for when it does come out! The very idea of someone taking all this makes me feel a bit ill, haha

But I hope you enjoy what I've shared thus far 💚

Looking forward to reading it!

[shiningstarr15]

‼️warning: the post I’m about to make has heavy topics pertaining to mental illness and disability. Please view at your own discretion‼️

I want to come on here to talk about something that I don’t feel gets talked about enough. And that is mainly thanks to social media that has advocated to the understanding of mental illness and disability to the point that it is immensely glorified. And while I would rather choose the lesser of the two evils than deal with the ableism and discrimination, I think it needs to be addressed on why glorifying it is also very problematic.

As you know by now, I am on the autism spectrum, and with this came a slew of other mental health conditions that I have suffered from for a long time such as anxiety and depression. One thing I would never want to do is beg for pity. I am still a functioning human being and do not wish to be treated as a charity case. However, I think it is important to showcase the darker side of being diagnosed with such a condition as Autism.

What you see, you may see awkward social interaction, you may see unusual movements of my arms and legs and even my whole body(stimming), you may see high emotional sensitivity, you may see aversion to loud sounds, and so forth. And these are things that, in of itself, are not inherently bad. Yes I am prone to accidental inappropriate social interaction, but there is ways of accommodating and advocating for it while still holding me accountable. Gentle approaches and positive reinforcement go such a long way. And the more people learn and accept that, the better quality of life you make for me and my community.

What you don’t see, is the struggles that come with it.

Being autistic comes with many many processing issues. Auditory, sensory, information, visual, cognitive, etc. And like the disorder itself, they all live on a spectrum and affect us all differently. One of these things that we struggle with due to this processing issue, and the one we usually get the most abuse from, is personal hygiene.

I took a shower tonight, which is something I struggle with due to the task of having to wash myself, having sensory issues such as too strong of smelling soap and the water temperature not being right, but also the transition from being wet to cold is something I hate. I hate drying myself and the water from my hair dripping down my back. I don’t like water on my face. The entire thing is an absolute hellscape.

But it needs to be done, so I got in. And I noticed that my hair felt heavier than usual. After shampoo and conditioner, I ran my fingers through my insanely thick and long locks. And.. it got stuck.

With conditioner, it was stuck.

That is how bad the tangles were. As a result of having not brushed it for weeks. Yes, weeks.

Over the course of the shower, I pulled out probably a dozen knots, all around this size..

I’m tender headed, brushing my hair hurts my neck and my arms. So I wear hats to cover it, it also helps as an impromptu noise buffer so it’s a win win in the moment. However, it just adds on to the ever growing tangles and become more and more prominent until I actually do something about it.

This is something in it of itself, I’ve grown used to.

But as I ran through the tangles, yanking out knot after knot, the hair piled in the drain.

When I looked down and saw the result, I couldn’t believe how much hair was caught in the absolute rats nest that had accumulated for weeks.

And I cried.

I still have plentiful hair, but I didn’t want to lose that much. I hadn’t even realized it had gotten so bad. As I got out I immediately noticed the lightness on my head and panicked, thinking I may have a bald spot (I don’t) bc so much was gone now..

I may be used to it, but I hate it still. Every time. But it happens over and over again, bc I hate brushing my hair.

This.. this is the true dark reality of living with Autism.

I love my hair, and me not liking to brush it does not mean I don’t care. It is a physically daunting task, it fucking HURTS, and it sucks bc I KNOW it’s not supposed to!

Everyday I wake up, the lights are too bright and I can hear every sound like a siren. It takes excess energy just to get out of bed, even more to change clothes, and if I am lucky, even more to brush my hair. I have 30 min to decide before I get to work what my support needs are today bc they change DAILY. Some days I have enormous amounts of anxiety, some days I have sensory overstimulation, some days I feel literally touch starved, some days I can’t find the right words to say, or barely want to say anything. I have to figure out what I need, what will get me through the day, what will allow me to survive. And even now, I am struggling to find my place in the workforce due to the lack of resources and currently on the verge of autistic burnout that I’m desperately trying to avoid.

Every time I brush my hair, there are knots. And when I brush my teeth, there is blood in the sink.

This is my reality.

I am imploring you to PLEASE consider these things when you say things about how hating autism is “internalized ableism” or glorify it to the point that it becomes a trend that everyone wants to have bc it’s “cool.” I do NOT like being autistic. It has caused me immense heartache, trauma, struggle, and being in constant survival mode. It FUCKING SUCKS.

I have accepted that I am autistic. But I do not enjoy it. It is still, in its own right, a DISABILITY. It is not something to be glorified and praised. It is not something that is “trendy” and something you WANT to have.

Wanting answers is one thing, I understand that. That’s how I got my diagnosis. But I am begging and pleading, DO NOT ASK FOR IT. If you have it, learn to accept what is and learn what you need to do in order to live your best quality of life. It is not something to be taken as a joke, it is not a “gift” and it is not a trend.

It is a disability. It is a disorder. A brain disorder. A processing disorder. And it fucking sucks.

[kuuyandere]

For the ask game thingy, Quit, Cope, Regret, Stigma, or Exposed, only if your comfy with answering! I picked a bunch so you can choose which ones you're ok with. Congrats on 100 Aidoneus (sorry if I get your name wrong)!

Thank you, Anon! And don't worry, you got my name correct. :) You must have done your research, I don't really make a habit of putting my moniker everywhere haha.

Also, I am comfortable answering all your questions: I was the one who created that ask game after all! I'm also the kind of person that finds answering nosy questions entertaining. The answers will be under the cut!

Quit: How long do you think it would take for you to “move on” from your darling if necessary? Would you be capable of moving on?

Ah, I don't know if I am capable of moving on from my darling. Seeing that it has been around six months since we broke up and my feelings haven't dissipated no matter how hard I try, it looks like it will linger for quite some time. I never felt remotely close to how I feel for her for anyone else before, so I don't have any prior experience to base it off of, timeline-wise.

Cope: How do you handle your more unhealthy intrusive thoughts or urges?

Well for starters, this blog is a good means to vent, and I also write for myself outside of that. I think distractions are the most helpful for me though, sometimes throwing myself into passion projects is enough to prevent my brain from spiraling too much. I also personally find replacing certain unhealthy urges with slightly healthier ones that achieve a similar feeling effective. To be honest, I am not very good at the coping part, and I mainly tend to bottle those thoughts and feelings in. 

Regret: Do you ever feel guilty about being a yandere or loving differently from other people?

Yes, I often wish that I didn't love this way, or love at all for that matter. I feel bad for having many of the thoughts I have and some of the actions I have taken. I want to be a healthy partner/person, but I also will likely never feel completely satisfied with just that. It’s honestly kind of painful.

Stigma: What do you think brought about this side of you (childhood, mental illness, personality traits etc)?

I do enjoy psychoanalysis! Let’s see, I suppose it’s a lot of things. My parents are not that affectionate, and for the most part, neither am I (hence my username, the “kuu” is for kuudere). I honestly thought I was ace/aro until I met my darling when I was in high school, so her being the first and only person that made me feel that way made me quite attached. I may not be naturally affectionate with others, but I quickly learned that I am very, very affectionate and “simpy” for my beloved. I think I naturally love stronger than the average person in part because it is so difficult for me to do so. 

Mental illness likely plays a large part as well, although I have never had a formal therapist to diagnose me with anything. My darling is severely depressed, so I developed a separation anxiety with her among other things from her attempts and trips to the psych ward. I am also an eldest child and naturally quite protective and nurturing, and I feel that a lot of my feelings first and foremost involve a need to protect, please, and take care of her (without anything or anyone interfering). My feelings for her are complicated, and I’m sure there are many factors that contributed to them that I am not aware of.

Exposed: Are you honest with your darling about your feelings or the true extent of them? Does anyone else know?

I have recently made my darling aware of my current romantic feelings for her (semi-unwillingly, it was a bit of a mess that I won’t get into), but she does not and will never know the true extent of how intense/obsessed/possessive/etc. I am. She does know that I have those tendencies though, and I asked for her consent to do some things like take thousands of screenshots of her on video calls while we were together. No one else in real life knows about it, but I suppose at least 100 followers on here are privy to my depravity!

[type1cyclingdan]

Consistency is Key

I have already written this once but it disappeared when I saved it 😥

You Can have the best plans in the world but without consistency, it will mean nothing you will never reach your full potential.

I can count on one hand how many sessions I have missed this year due to illness or other commitments. Now finally I am starting to see the benefits of this consistency with how I am riding especially over the last week with some really solid sessions completed.

Now I need to get really consistent with my diet as this is a major gain that I can make in my performance I am currently just under 84kg and should be around 73-75kg. This will massively help me with my overall speed on the bike and my health.

My FTP which is the power that I am able to put out on the bike for around an hour is currently sitting around 300 watts, but likely to be a bit more as I have not done a test for a while. I was a fair bit higher than this 3 years ago before all the injuries and then diabetes hitting me and I honestly believe that I can get back to that and better if I can stay consistent and lose the weight that I need to lose.

Where I struggle most to stay on top of my diet is when I work away I spend a lot of time in Premier Inns which means Table Table or Beefeater restaurants, and for someone that has a plant-based diet this is not ideal as the menus are in all honesty rubbish.

The options that I have are a Vegan burger that is probably more processed than a McDonald's burger and is around 1400 calories before anything else is on the plate. Then there is a mushroom BBQ stack again 1200 calories all in and I am not really a fan of mushrooms. I would complain to Premier Inn however I doubt that they would do anything, so I have bought myself an Air Fryer so I can cook my own food in the hotel room or at the site that I am visiting.

This, I believe, is going to make all of the difference and be the marginal gain that I need to push my performance to the next level. I will be able to roast veg and jacket potatoes and anything else that I can think of, stop me from buying any food that I should not be eating.

The Masters National Crit Championships happened yesterday at Darley Moor, I was going to enter and actually wish I had now because there were people in that race that I know that I could have hung with that finished in the bunch. That is a lesson learned. Just do it next time, even if it is just for the experience.

I have 3 races left planned, which I am treating as training races and training throughout without resting/tapering for them. I will use them for mainly trying out new tactics with no expectations of winning, as the pressure is now off and I have my CAT 3 licence.

Diabetes wise, it has been a bit strange again where I have not really been having to take any insulin with food, and my levels have been dropping at night meaning I have been back to limited sleep and where it happens so often I am kind of pre-empting it so I wake up around the times that my low levels alarm goes off.

That is where the rest of my performance jump will come if I can get my sleep and recovery dialled in. It will all add up to some really big gains, and I will be flying and well on the way to achieving my goals for next year.

Anyway you beautiful humans, dream big, keep trying never give up and alway believe that you can achieve.

[wherestarsfallaway]

I feel like this is a scary place. It holds some of my deepest hurtful memories. Memories of anger and spite. Memories of loneliness and sadness. It holds everything I wish to forget. Yet why do i find rereading my horrible thoughts so comforting?

Is it because I’m so goddamn alone that reading someones darkness… even if its my own.. feels comforting. Because someone out there is feeling that darkness too. Except. Its all just me anyway. Sometimes i feel like I come back here because I can look at these memories and think wow but I dont feel like that any more… so ive healed and grown.

Sometimes… I come back here to read all my thoughts about being hurt. And literally validate myself. Reread those thoughts and think ok. Well. She documented this years ago. So it mustve actually happened. Instead gas lighting away my own hurt. And chalking it up to nothing because thats easier

Today is the 20th.. well 21st now of December. In a few short days itll be christmas time and ill be back at my parents. I typed home first. But… i just really cant consider that true.

It hurts me so so much that I can’t truly love my family. It just does. I have this fantasy that I go on a podcast and I admit all the trauma I grew up with and people comment on that video that they understand and thank me for my vulnerability. What the therapist in me says that means is, i just want to be asked how Im actually doing and feeling for once without lying. And then get the chance to vent my true feelings. And then be thanked for being honest and vulnerable because I never got that experience growing up.

Its so complicated. There are months even that we are fine. Months where i think life is okay. Months where i finally feel like ive moved on and learned to get over all this bullshit. But that isnt true. And i fucking know it. Because the smallest randomest things will trigger me and I realize I havent healed at all. Im just hoping that the passage of time will dull the pain. But it wont. At least not fast enough for me.

I want to elope. And thats mainly because I feel like the only people who truly made me safe deserve to be there on my biggest most special day. And that person happens to be the person im actually marrying. And literally no one else. Why should I pay for people who didnt do the absolute bare minimum to celebrate my day? What did you do to earn the plate of my dinner because this isnt some fucking charity event.

I just saw someone say if youre considering ending it all because you think your family will be better off, dont because it isnt true. Yeah. I sometimes feel that. Ive felt both. Ive felt that sheer loneliness so deep and bitter that i think my family will be better off without me. But other days I know it would ruin them and that makes me happier because I actually wanna end it all out of sheer spite. Can you believe that. Sometimes. I was so angry at it all. Angry at the facade everyone else seemed to believe about us being the perfect family, that i wanted to die just so people would have to attend my funeral and realize what a shitshow it all was. Can you imagine how much fucking pain you have to put someone through for that to literally be their dying wish.

I’ve been paying rent on my own for months now. Which. At some level I understand. Im grown. But im literaly addicted to living here on my own because im terrified now of ruining the one space that makes me happy. If i have to hold my breath any longer Ill just pass away. I cant stand to compromise any more because I’ve just done this shit for too fucking long. I dont wanna hold my breath and tiptoe around my own house. I wanna relax and feel something other than anxiety in the space thats supposed to be my home. But im also exhausted. I finished my final two days ago but I’ve already worked so many hours. Ive been falling asleep midday because Im so emotionally exhausted. I just cant.

And meanwhile my family is fucking partying in las vegas. That shit builds so much resentment in me. I dont have to explain it. You know it. You understand. You dont wanna feel the betrayal anymore of knowing you were going thru a crisis just as deep and bad as your sister. But you just shut your mouth better about it. And nobody ever apologized for what they put you through. So you dont ever get closure.

At this point im so tired and sad I cant even continue this letter. Even though i have so much I want to get off my chest. My head hurts. My head hurts so bad from staring at a screen for 9 hours.

I have the sinking feeling this xmas season… sigh. I dont want to manifest it. But I wish I didnt have to go. I wish I could spend that week here. I’m tired. I barely have the strength to do anything anymore. And now Ill have to spend this break pretending. I wish I didnt want their approval so much. And i wish I could just let them go and live the life i truly want to live. Im tired.

Sometimes I fantasize about moving somewhere in secret. Turning off my location. And just vanishing. So i would have no more obligations.

But i never get what i want.. so heres to more hopeless dreams

Gnight

[brucewhite]

Talking It Through, Part IV | Oneshot

Bruce and Doug talk about what happened to Magicks this summer, and what it means for Bruce’s identity struggles. (For context: Talking It Through Parts I, II, and III)

Date: 11 August 2022 Warnings: Mental health topics

With both Bruce and Doug feeling unwell, the past few sessions had been postponed. Bruce was relieved, then, when August brought the end of the mysterious illnesses plaguing all the Magicks in Swynlake. For a lot of reasons, mainly because he hated being sick and had started to get really worried about some people, but also because he missed his conversations with Doug. They weren’t always easy. But Bruce usually left feeling better.

He had hoped today would leave him feeling better. Things were getting better, magic was back in full force around town, and Bruce no longer felt sick all the time, but it wasn’t uncomplicated. First, he’d noticed his appetite for fish returning. Then, he’d done it again-- tearing through one of his roommates’ leftover salmon one night, and then having to pretend he’d thrown it out because he thought it had gone bad.

“I just thought I was finally getting the hang of acting like a human,” Bruce sighed, squinting through the harsh early-morning sunlight. 

“And you think being hungry makes you less like a human?” Doug asked, seemingly unable to contain his bemusement at the question.

Bruce shook his head. “Okay, no, that came out wrong-- I was really getting the hang of the vegan thing.”

“Why do you need to get the hang of the vegan thing? If it’s not working for you, Bruce, it’s not working for you. Everyone has different needs--”

“I don’t want to have different needs!” Bruce said, exasperated. “I just want to be like all these regular people, I’d even be happy to be like the shallow-water merpeople, but instead I’ve got-- it’s like I’ve got this parasite in me, and every once in a while it rears its ugly head, and it reminds me that I’ll never actually be like them, not in the way it counts.”

Doug didn’t say anything. He just gave Bruce this curious look, like something was clicking into place.

“Tell me more about that,” Doug finally replied, in a neutral tone.

“What do you mean? I just told you.”

“You feel like your identity as a merman is separate from something else in you? Like it’s a problem you’ve got to take care of? Like-- if you just try hard enough to blend in and squash it out, you’ll finally like yourself again. Is that what you mean?”

Bruce frowned. He wasn’t sure he would necessarily have put it that way. But... well, it was accurate. And hearing it out loud made him feel strangely exposed, like Doug had read his mind. “Yes, actually,” Bruce said cautiously. “How did you know that?”

“Because it’s how I felt for many years. How I still feel, sometimes, on my worse days,” Doug admitted.

Ah, right. Doug was a werewolf.

“I had to learn that the wolf, it’s a part of me, Bruce. And hating that part of me still means hating me, because it’s not separate from who I am, no matter how much I try to make it so. You’ve told people about who you are, haven’t you, Bruce?”

“Yes,” Bruce said, though he was distracted, still processing the first thing Doug had said.

“And they accepted you, because of that.”

“...I wouldn’t say because of that. I would say... probably in spite of it.”

“Give them a bit more credit, won’t you?”

Bruce stared at Doug, surprised by the bluntness of his response. Doug was usually a lot more crafty in his responses, leading Bruce to conclusions on his own. But this seemed to hit home, or maybe Doug just felt particularly passionately about it.

He’d never thought about how similar it made them, Doug being a werewolf and Bruce being a deep-sea merman. Bruce had always assumed nobody he met would ever know what it was like to try and live like he did, hiding this horrible secret of what a monster he was, trying his best to separate himself from that identity. Was there really something worth saving there, the side of him that he tried so desperately to destroy?

He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure he agreed with Doug. 

“I want you to try going in the water again,” Doug said finally.

“Doug, you know how that went last time--”

“Nobody else. Just you. I want you to face yourself, the real you. Not the person you want other people to like. None of us are perfect, Bruce. You know better than many that there are monsters that don’t have claws or scales, that don’t bite. Acting human won’t make you a better person. But it will mean you’ve killed a part of yourself. And I think you’ll find, when you start liking yourself, all of you, even the parts you’ve tried to ignore-- it will be a lot easier to be the kind of person you want to be.”

Bruce tried to argue, but Doug wasn’t budging. He seemed adamant about this.

He’d thought he had made so much progress, up until now. But now, Bruce was starting to wonder if he was back at square one-- and whether any of this was really getting him anywhere at all.

[ribbononline]

wawawa wip posting

HIGH quality stuff in the works here. i love drawing archie making faces <3

[goeie-morgen]

Gossip Guy podcast with Willem De Schryver

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYjtRYOGS00

translated by @jackfrostsander @bruisingknees @lblogss @yousmina and me :)

-

E: I do have another present for you.

W: Oei oei oei, presents.

E: I do that every week. I give something to my guest of the week.

W: Oei oei oei. Do I slide it?

E: Here in the front is a flap that you have to fold upwards…

[Intro]

E: Wassup people, welcome to a new episode of the Gossip Guy podcast. My name is Ender Scholtens and today I’m here with Willem De Schryver. Everything ok?

W: Sure sure (In Dutch sure is used as a confirmation to a question).

E: Is this your first podcast?

W: Yes, this is my first podcast.

E: Stress?

W: No, it will be fine, right? Relaxed.

E: I don’t know… (laughing). For the people who don’t recognize you, from where could they know you?

W: Hmmm, probably from the youth series WTFOCK where, in the third season, I play the role of Sander.

E: And we are allowed to talk about it in this podcast.

W: Yeah I also heard that. Yes, it’s over.

E: Was it a difficult chapter of your life to close?

W: Yes, I still clearly remember the last moment… Like really the last last scene at the sea… That was an emotional moment because you went through a lot as a group, you did a lot together, and emotional scenes, intimate scenes. But yes, I think, if I speak for the whole group that it was a goodbye to the series but not a goodbye from each other. We still keep in contact. Mainly through WhatsApp.

E: Yeah, the end of the series was beautiful. I sat next to my girlfriend when it just came online. Because there were a few scenes that we hadn’t seen yet and we were just watching them… And we refreshed and the last episode was online… The last piece was online… So, I thought… I really cried… It caused quite some emotions.

W: For many people… Also under the cast and even the extras that were present for that last scene… Even among them. I can remember that they got emotional because it really was over over. I think that we, WTFOCK, have been able to impact a lot of young people in Belgium. So, it’s beautiful… We closed it beautifully…

E: I don’t doubt that. I really liked the end. What is your favorite memory from your whole WTFOCK experience?

W: Hoh, hmmm. Do I have to choose one? Difficult to choose one… I think that the most enjoyable moments… At the end of each series… Almost… We were at the sea or in the Ardennes, as a group, for a vacation. Away together. And those moments… Away with the whole cast and crew… Being away for a whole weekend. And in the evening, talking late into the night and that creates a special connection and I think that, in general, was the most enjoyable… Yes, it affects me… You share, as a young person, a common dream or something we want to realize as an actor to succeed and everyone who works so hard for that… That’s nice to see.

E: I recently talked to Veerle and I know that if she sees Nora, like somewhere, say at a party… Then they stay together for the whole evening… Do you have that? With who did you have the best connection throughout that whole experience?

W: Yes…

E: That doesn’t mean that the rest is not chill or so…

W: No the rest is all stupid… There’s only one person… I hate you all! (joking) No! Yes, hmmm, I think that I definitely have the best connection with Willem. Just because we have been through a lot… I always compare the WTFOCK crew a bit to my own friend group, aside from the cast. I mean, I know to whom I can go for what. I know I can go to some if I feel sad, to talk and I know who I can go to to have a laugh. And who I can go to to have a general chat. And everyone has their qualities or like their own aura around them… Where I love to hang around. So, it differs from person to person. So, it’s hard to choose one person but Willem then in the sense that, if you jump naked together in a swimming pool and if you have intimate scenes together… That creates a connection, of course. So, yes, if I have to choose one person…

E: Is there a barrier that you have to overcome to play such scenes? Because they are very intimate, indeed. And I, personally, couldn’t imagine… I can’t act… But, to empathize with a role… To play such scenes… Is that difficult for you?

W: Huh, yes, that’s a question I get often. I mean like… Yeah and you have to empathize with that character… But yes, you step into that project with a certain professionalism and you say “okay, we are going to create a story and bring it to the public with certain values and that we want to tell something and show something” …So, yes, you don’t really think about it. So, it’s not like I thought “Ooooo, I am kissing with a boy but I am interested in girls”. That was not a problem for me because it really is about telling the story and making that together and if the story requires that then you just completely go for it.

E: That’s cool. What are your future acting ambitions? You now have played in a series, is that something you want to do more in the future or do you like theatre more or movie or…

W: I find it difficult to choose between theatre and film, for example. After WTFOCK I played in Déjà Vu, which you can see on Streamz and later this year on Channel 4… And I study theatre at KASK. And I notice the difference, due to the recordings, I am really in the field and I am busy and I work, while at school I learn new things about theatre… So, in my opinion I have more experience in television work because I actually have done projects for that and I haven’t yet for theatre, which is still school and learning. So, I think it’s currently hard to choose but I think, maybe it’s a cliché answer, but the combination is maybe ideal, of course. But I am still exploring and I will see how it goes…

7:02

E: What is your favorite food?

W: My favorite food?

E: Yes.

W: Hmmmm, in the past I was really a basic guy… Like spaghetti bolognese or so… But now, generally after my exams, I go to a restaurant with my grandma. She always buys. That’s always amazing. I am a fan. And I always take steak tartare with fries. That remains a bit of a guilty pleasure.

E: How long, do you think, would it take you to eat five full plates of spaghetti bolognese?

W: Hoh, hmmm. The thing is, my stomach is rather small…

E: Small?

W: I think that I would have to schedule in… Okay, after a certain time I would have to throw up and then eating further…

E: You’re allowed to take a break. You’re allowed to say… Okay, I take a few days…

W: No, no, not that…

E: You’re going to do it in a day?

W: Look, two plates… Three if I really push…

E: You get preparation time so you know like a week before… So, you can like…

W: Train yourself?

E: Yes, train…

W: Hoh, alee say about four hours…

E: Four hours?! Five plates, he? Like five really big plates…

W: Yeah but yeah, four minutes… I am exaggerating… Let’s say a day… In a day five plates…

E: Ok, that should work. Then you basically have every meal… Breakfast… Lunch… Dinner… and in between… pasta…

W: Pasta as breakfast…

E: One day should definitely be feasible.

W: Yes, indeed.

8:49

E: What is, according to you, the reason you were placed on this planet?

W: Fuck (laughs).

E: Existential crisis, okay? Have you never thought about what the purpose of life is and what…

W: Yes, certainly… Hmmm, I'm someone who worries a lot. When I'm in bed in the evening I start to think about questions like that and then I think “what am I doing? Willem… where do I want to go to and…” Hmmm, why was I put on this planet? Hmmmm… (speechless followed by laughing). This is really bad… It’s like I don’t value myself…

E: Noooo, but I didn’t expect a deep philosophical answer. Well, if you had one… really good but…

W: Okay I’m going to think about my philosophical answer… but no. If you want… No! Yes, now I'm really going to sound philosophical but… (crosstalk) Everyone who is on earth has a certain reason to be here and everyone… I for example have that… I really feel that… I never liked going to school. Especially, in lower and high school. I… I actually, on purpose, put my fingers in my throat in the morning to throw up…

E: Wow, that’s heavy…

W: And then going downstairs to say “papa I’m ill, can I stay home?” I don’t know why but that whole system… Sitting behind a desk all day… And those classes… that was not for me. And then I discovered my passion for acting and discovered that it really suited me. And that’s the thing… A lot of people often ask me like “how did you start?” and “I also would like to do that and where do I start and I have been rejected does that mean I am not good enough?” but I think that sometimes you shouldn’t rush to find your passion. It can take longer then you would like it to take. I think that if you too intensively search for "what am I good at?" and “I have to find something that I am good at” and… For me that’s happened unexpectedly. I did take acting classes on Wednesday afternoons after school and I kind of got into it like that… I think it differs for everyone and that everyone has their own purpose here on earth.

E: And would you say your purpose is acting?

W: Yeah…

E: There isn’t a right answer but how does it feel for you at the moment? Is that the thing you love doing the most or do you see yourself doing for a long time?

W: The thing is… I’m a person who gets tired of things very quickly. I’ve had a lot of hobbies.

E: So maybe next week you want to garden or something?

W: No, no I wouldn’t say that. No the thing is, with acting that isn’t the case. Since I was twelve… well first on amateur level…

E: How old are you now?

W: 19.

E: Oh wow I thought you were my age. 19… damn bro you’re three years younger than me.

W: 2001 represent.

E: That’s literally… you’re the same age as my brother! What the shit. Alright, no okay.

W: In November so almost 2002. I’m really a latecomer.

E: What?! You look like you’re the same age as me and everything.

12:14

W: But that’s honestly – thank you for saying that! I always used to be the “little guy.” None of the girls wanted to be with me cause they just thought I was cute.

E: I see.

W: And they came to me to talk about their love lives.

E: Oh, okay.

W: So I was always that guy who was like: “I’m in love with you.” “Oh, how cute! You’re so cute!” So I was always like: “Okay then, I’m never going to find anyone, I’m always going to stay… short. I’ll be all alone.” And then all of a sudden I –

E: Do you think height matters in regard to your chances with certain… people?

W: At this age I don’t think it does anymore, but I do think that – I think at – I just remember in high school that the romantic idea of what love was supposed to look like was very: a boy and a girl, and the boy has to be taller and stronger and bigger than the girl. But I think that now it’s more… I mean, at my age I’m convinced it’s more fluid than that, and it doesn’t have to be that way. So it doesn’t have to be an issue anymore.

E: But still, when you go on Twitter, short guys are still –

W: Yeah.

E: Totally annihilated.

W: I have notice – I have noticed – Yeah, it’s still… It’s still this… general thing that people get stuck on. Like: “Oh, a short dude. That’s not okay.” Or whatever.

E: Or like the guy has to be taller. But no, we’re – we’re – not… not all relationships… we’re really generalizing here. But I get what you mean.

W: Yeah.

E: No, it’s – I do think it’s still important. I think that when you’re, and this is really harsh, but that a lot of people look at you differently when you’re taller. I have this dude in my friend group, Louis Ledegen, and he’s close to 2 meters tall, and just some girls look at him and they just think that’s so… attractive or whatever. And I just can’t even imagine.

W: I don’t get that either.

E: That that makes them go like: “Wow!”

W: I was in the train just now and this dude walked by me and he was honestly like 2 meters tall and I was just thinking: “When you’re that tall, and you’re with…” I mean, the girl almost has to get on a stepping stool to reach him for a kiss! And girls are like – I mean, I’ve heard before that girls think it’s attractive when a man is really tall.

E: Yeah.

W: And yeah, I don’t know… I don’t totally get it.

E: No.

W: Maybe it’s cause I’m not that tall myself, that I’m like trying to protect myself and be all: “That’s not necessary!”

E: Yeah! If anybody knows the answer, do we, being shorter guys, have less of a chance?

W: Let us know, please.

14:53

E: Please let us know! We need some answers! Now in the show, wtFOCK, your hair’s a different color.

W: Yeah.

E: Yeah. Is that something… So that was actually – it wasn’t really blonde?

W: It was completely bleached.

E: Bleached.

W: It was more to the… But the thing is that they had to do it twice, cause the first time… I got there, for the first table read with the director and Willem [Herbots] and they were like: “Hey, Willem. We wanted to ask you something. We’d like to bleach your hair for the role.”

E: Yeah.

W: And I was like: “… Okay.”

E: Okay.

W: “And why?” No. “Just for the character and stuff.” So I was like: “Okay. That’s fine.” The thing is I had to be at the hairdresser for 4 hours for this.

E: Oh wow, heavy.

W: It was like this and this product, and it had to sit for a long time. It had to be bleached all over. And I got out of there the first time and I was completely yellow – but yellow like an egg.

E: Oh, shit!

W: And I… My mom dropped me off, and I texted her: “I’m done, will you come get me?” And I saw my mom approach and she just passed me by.

E: Oh wow.

W: She didn’t – she almost didn’t recognize me anymore. Like halfway - she was like – and then she was like: “Oh! Willem!” Like she hadn’t seen –

E: Oh shit.

W: That it was me. That I looked completely different. And then I arrived for another table read and Tom [Goris – director] was like: “Yeah… We’re not gonna go this route… This is too yellow.” So then I spent another 4 hours at the hairdresser. After that I had to be there for four hours almost every month. I did think it was cool to have bleached hair, but… You have to be at the hairdresser for so long, so that really wasn’t… my thing. I mean, I had some really cool moments with Mitch [Fabry – hair & make up wtFOCK]. Thanks, Mitch.

E: Would you ever dye your hair again?

W: Uhm.

E: Maybe another color?

W: Yeah, I don’t think so. I’m quite happy with my hair color, actually, I don’t know.

E: Alright.

W: Now it’s also like… Everyone always asks me: “So this is your natural hair color?”

E: Yeah.

W: And then I have to tell them: “Yeah.” And it’s like: “Oh, okay!” It’s this switch. But no, I’m happy with my hair. It’s fine.

17:03

E: I can also tell that you’ve got an earring? You can’t really tell on camera, but –

W: I’ll come a little closer [to the camera]. Yeah, I only got it recently, four weeks or something.

E: Yeah. Was it an impulsive, drunken decision, or something you wanted… for some time?

W: I’ve wanted it for a long time, but I was a little anxious about it like: “It’s not gonna look good on me,” and then after a while, a couple of months ago, I was like: “Fuck it, I’m just gonna do it.” And if it didn’t look good I could still just take it out, so it doesn’t really matter. But all in all I was pretty happy with it. My father, my parents – my mom: “Oh, so nice!!” And it was like – at first they give you a stud and then after four weeks you can change it to a hoop. And I really wanted a hoop, and I even asked the people in the (piercing) shop: “Can’t I please just get a hoop straight away?” And they were like: “No, sorry, it doesn’t work like that. For hygiene reasons that’s not okay.”

E: Okay.

W: But okay, so I had to wait four weeks and then eventually I could change it to the golden hoop. So I get home and the first thing my father said was: “Wow, you look like a douchebag.” That was the first thing out of his mouth, that I looked like a douchebag.

E: Is that the look you were going for?

W: No, not at all! Not at all!

E: I think it looks cool.

W: Thanks.

E: Cause a little while ago I wanted one, and so I put on my girlfriend’s earring – because even if your ear isn’t pierced it sticks a little –

W: Yeah.

E: And so I just put it on there for a day or something, and then I was like: “Okay, that’s quite enough.” I don’t know if I’d want it for longer than that. Recently I’ve been getting into rings and stuff though.

W: I wore rings for a long time, but I don’t have any anymore. I actually want – I like them too. But I have to –

18:47

E: If I’d known, I would’ve brought you a gift!

W: Go shopping. Goddamn!

E: I did bring you another gift though!

W: Another gift? Oei oei oei, gifts!

E: This is something I do every week,  I give my guest of the week something.

W: Oei oei oei. 

E: It’s just…

W: Do I just slide it –

E: There’s a little hatch over here, that you have to lift, and then you can just lift it like that. There we go.

W: There we go.

E: White hairspray.

W: If I’d want to go back to – there we have it. Too good.

E: It can be washed out really easily as well. So this way you don’t have to be at the hairdresser for like four hours. And then when you’re sick of it, you can just get rid of it again!

W: That was the thing… Thank you, by the way.

E: You’re very welcome.

W: Now I can go back – Now I can go back to my past life. No, that was the thing as well. People who – people who - after wtFOCK came online, people really recognized me with the white hair. I mean, it’s pretty noticeable, when I’m walking through Ghent station – if someone with bleached hair. I mean, if you watch the show, I can imagine that when you see someone with bleached hair, you immediately connect the two and think: “Oh, that could be him.” And then you run in to some people who ask for pictures. After that my hair was really short, cause the people from Déja-Vu were like: “We’re not gonna do this, just go back to your natural hair color.” So I cut it all off, and there was this time where… nobody came to talk to me anymore. I was able to just be myself again. It was as if – looking back on it, it was actually really nice that for wtFOCK I was able to completely get into a different character with different hair. And the first time I got rid of the hair I really noticed that was no longer being associated with the character.

E: Hannah Montana vibes! Your hair changes color and nobody knows who you are anymore.

W: “Who are you?”

E: “Who the fuck are you?!”

W: “Does anybody want to take pictures with me? It’s me! It’s me! I swear!”

E: “I’m that dude from wtFOCK! I’m that dude from wtFOCK!”

W: So if people don’t recognize me anymore I can just… *pshhht* in the morning.

E: Exactly! If you want to take some more pictures, you can just…

W: No, no. That’s fine. No, yeah.

E: It’s kind of crazy, actually. Because, honestly? The very first time I saw a flash of you, with this hair color, I also thought: “I recognize you from somewhere…” But I think I’d already gotten in contact with you through social [media] and I didn’t put two and two together that you…

W: Yeah.

E: “Aaah!”

W: “Aaah! You’re that guy!”

E: Yeah, so…

W: But that’s the whole thing. If someone recognizes me, which doesn’t happen that often by the way, it’s always – I think it’s funny to be like: “No, that’s not me.”

E: No.

W: People really start doubting themselves, it’s very: “Uhm, can I ask you a question? Are you that guy from wtFock?” “Me? No.”

E: “No!”

W: “That’s not me.” And people will often be like: “Oh? What? But I recognize you…” That doubt on their faces is pretty funny but yeah, then I tell them it’s me.

E: Just the reaction of someone being like: “Huh, do I know you from somewhere?” “Do you watch porn?”

W: The confrontation.

E: “Oh… qmdkjg.” And it’d be even better if the parents were right there as well. “Argh!”

W: “Yes, Jürgen, care to explain yourself, young man?”

E: No, it’s just funny to joke about. But you’ve never – Do you just get: “Hey, are you that guy from wtFOCK?” Or have people also asked you: “Do I know you from somewhere?” Or: “What do I know you from?”

W: Yeah, it depends. The thing is – I go to school in Ghent and when the [popular place where college students go out] was still open before Covid-19, not that I went there often because I didn’t really like it there –

E: No.

W: - in the sense that the combination of young people who –

E: Watch wtFOCK.

W: - watch wtFOCK and alcohol – and people who’ve had alcohol to drink –

E: And are horny?

W: - their limits or boundaries are just gone. “Oh my god!!! You’re that dude from wtFOCK!! Can I kiss you??” Things like that!

E: Oh, fuck!

W: And I was really like: “Okay…?” I’m just a regular dude and I’m trying – and I actually thought it was less annoying for myself, but I thought it was more disruptive for my friends. Like even when we were just walking down the street, we got recognized a couple of times, and I was just like: I just want to have fun with my friends, and not have to spend too much time thinking. That’s another thing I was subconsciously thinking about. Imagine I drink way too much.

E: Yeah.

W: And I end up in the gutter somewhere, and people start filming that… So yeah, that made… So because of that I spent more time in friends’ dorm rooms just having dorm parties.

E: And since your bleached hair is gone, have you gone to a party?

W: When my bleached hair was gone corona was already a thing so I haven’t been able to enjoy it. But it’s starting to come back [the parties] so that’s nice. I’m looking forward to… tomorrow I’m going-

E: Are you going as well?

W: Are you going to Plein Air by Fuse?

E: Tomorrow I’m going to Jaimie Lee who-

W: …Is going to DJ at three festivals.

E: Yeah at three festivals and I will be backstage I guess.

W: Okay.

E: One of those festivals?

W: Yeah I don’t know. I have tickets for Fuse Open Air in Brussels.

24:19

E: I honestly have no idea where I’m going. Anyway, I’m excited. And I always asked, what’s the first event you went to ever since it’s allowed? Did you go to We Can Dance festival?

W: No I was studying.

E: Was today your last exam or yesterday?

W: Yesterday was my last exam in the morning. I was stressing so much, because I thought I would fail, but eventually I think it went relatively well. If you’re watching professors, let me pass please. No I think it went well.

E: Are you someone who is stress resistant?

W: Uhh no.

E: No?

W: I let it take over my body.

E: You get physically unwell?

W: I will be laying in bed and I’m tossing and turning and sweating. And I think about how I’m not gonna pass tomorrow. And the combination with my worries is really not good. It makes me stay up really late. The thing is with stress resistant, I for example made my own play at high school about a kid with divorced parents for my final work and the whole audience was filled with my family and my parents. That’s pretty confronting to tell a story that’s also a little bit of their life and is pretty personal. I’m always stressed for things like that. Then it’s weird – from the first word I spoke I had a lot of stress and worries and the first sentence that I said was something like “I don’t know what to do”, and then it’s all of a sudden poofff. The train has left.

E: You said you didn’t really know what to do now.

W: That’s the first sentence of the text that I wrote and the moment I said that sentence I thought in my head “the train has left, there’s no way back now” and then the stress disappears automatically. But before the final rehearsal there was a moment that I was moving around heavily and I was throwing with chairs. And afterwards I had to pack moving boxes, which was okay. But from moving around and the combination of stress it made me almost gag in the box from the stress so I almost puked. So at these moments it gets pretty heavy.

E: Did other people notice or were you hiding it?

W: Yeah the final rehearsal was luckily not with an audience, but my teachers were like “Everything alright?” and I was like “Yeah I’m good. It’s a bit much”. But when it comes to stress, a lot of people always say – I’m even a little stressed right now actually.

E: Really?

W: Podcasts, oh no no.

E: Oh shit. You have to be (stressed)

W: A lot of pressure on my shoulder here. No, but a lot of people say that it doesn’t look like that I’m stressed even though I really am dying from all the stress.

E: Only now you can hide it really well. You should become an actor.

W: A lot of people have said that to me often, but it’s not my interest. Also not much work in the field.

E: That too, fuck. Are you someone who constantly pretends like you’re okay?

W: Yes.

E: Even when you have a lot of shit going on in your head and you’re processing other things?

W: I'm one person. One person?

E: "I'm one person" [laughs]

W: I am one person. No, but I'm someone who often keeps their stuff to themselves, so that I can listen to what others need.

28:15

E: That was my next question. You listen more to other people’s problems and you’re the person people come to with their problems?

W: I think, at least I hope, that a lot of my friends do know that they can always come to me for a talk or a phone call. I'm someone that will shove away their happiness for someone else, which isn’t always positive of course.

E: It is a beautiful characteristic, but it shouldn’t take over indeed.

W: In the past it has happened that I was falling apart, but I kept pushing it away, because I wanted to take care of someone else. I noticed this a lot during the divorce of my parents. My parents had a hard time with the divorce and I remember that I came home as a little boy and I saw my mom sitting and I felt the duty to comfort her and to be there for her, even though I was 8 or 9 years old. That’s not something you expect to do or think from an 8 year old. It really broke me and now I can openly speak about it, because I have had enough conversations with my parents about it, about how it was for me. And I made a play about it, as I told earlier, so it’s been a whole process and that has scarred me till at least my 16th. My parents got divorced when I was 5 or 6 years old. It took me a long time to open up because of that. I notice it a lot in previous relationships, that I walk away from fights, because I would find the confrontation too heavy to get into a fight and to discuss. The divorce and fights with my parents scarred me so hard that I didn’t want that again. I wanted everything to be rainbow and sunshine, but life doesn’t work like that. And that was partly a misconception from me, that I thought that a relationship had to be perfect, if there is a fight, then it’s not going well. Now I realize that fights are part of a relationship. And also part of steps you take into accepting each other, listening to each other and understanding each other. It’s needed for a stronger connection. You can’t, well you can, but in my eyes you can’t be with someone for a long time without ever having had a conflict. Even if it’s a discussion, because then you’re adapting too much to the other, and then you say okay, I’m adapting to the demands of her and I suppress my own things or things I want to do, only to avoid the discussion, and that’s something I learned. And that’s how everyone learns their own things along the way.

E: You still see it in the youth, those romantic movies, where everyone is so in love and it always ends with a kiss or something and it’s always good and then you think, this must be the case in real life. Why can’t I find Gabriella Montez for my Troy Bolton. Even though that was a shitty relationship too, they were constantly fighting. No, but that gives a wrong image about relationships and for other things because of movies. And the reality is just different.

32:16

W: Yes. I recently for the first time -this is kinda embarrassing because it’s a must see- watched The Notebook.

E: Me too! What did you think?

W: It has been a few weeks ago. Or a few weeks, maybe 3 or something.

E: I watched it last weekend.

W: I almost cried.

E: Really?

W: I’m a really emotional person. I can really cry. I can really get lost in a movie. “No not the puppy, why?!” Those things, where I think "Willem, act normal". But no it was a beautiful movie.

E: Yeah I have a different opinion, because I just fell asleep. I fell asleep, because it all went so slow, it started so slow. I didn’t even watch the kiss in the rain scene.

W: The moment. It’s in literally every romantic movie. In the rain, it happens everywhere.

Ender: Yeah mate, it’s such a cliché actually, but yeah.

W: I bet you that they’re just standing there with a garden hose.

E: Definitely.

W: It can’t be that they’re waiting, “is it gonna rain today? We need to do that scene now”.

33:27

E: Checking the rain alarm while everyone is inside. There are definitely sprinklers there. It’s in a lot of romantic movies. Now that we’re talking about it, the filming you did with wtFock, you sometimes had scenes outside. Here we have those (light) spots, I assume that you don’t carry them outside. How do you guys do that?

W: Sometimes we do have spots outside, but as long as the light from the sun is okay – with a binocular (telescope), well it’s not a binocular, it’s a round thing you can look through and with it they can determine the brightness of the sun and if the sun is too bright for the lightning they need, then it gets shielded, the same that is in front of your lamps. With that they can dim the lights. Or when there is not enough they use isomo plates, that’s really weird. Sometimes there are really intimate scenes in a series where it looks like it’s really close to the skin of the actors. There is a camera with a plate on it and a stick for the sound above it, it sometimes made it really hard for me to focus, because everyone is sitting there and the director and I’m like “yeah, okay okay”. So it takes a lot to get it all professional.

E: Was there a crazy moment where you forgot your lines? That you’re laying in bed and you’re like “which sentence do I have to say now?”

W: Yeah we’ve definitely had a lot of bloopers. Yeah forgetting lines or.. the thing is, as long as the director doesn’t say cut, you have to keep going. It’s a matter of "how do I improvise myself around this scene to get to the point we actually have to get to", because you have a scene and you have your lines, but if you forget something, then you do know the main lines of where the scene has to go to. You know the scene will end in a kiss or something and these subjects will be spoken about in the conversation, so when you forget your lines, you try to work your way through it as best as possible. And when the director says it wasn’t good, then we’ll do it again. I’ve had a lot of moments where I forgot my lines and I was laying in bed with Willem and we would look at each other and we’d know that I had to say something, but I was stuck, so there would be a 10 seconds silence, hoping for them to say cut. Yeah so those kinds of moments a lot or moments where I… I also had that with Déjà Vu. I remember… by the way it was amazing to work together with such big names as Natali Broods and Koen De Graeve. And Koen, lovely person, was kind of the father figure on set and we had a scene, next to the bed, a quite emotional scene. And the camera was focused on me, close up on my face. And I still remember that, the sound was going, everything, and Koen had just told a joke, or made a face that made me laugh. So, I had to laugh really hard, but I had to act very sad. It was an intense scene of goodbyes. All the time, starting to laugh about everything. I still remember for wtFock we made a video with bloopers and those are very fun to watch back.

37:03

E: Are those bloopers ever published somewhere online?

W: I don’t think so.

E: I think if you’d be able to release them somewhere that a lot of people would be interested in them.

W: Yes, yes. I don’t know why, indeed. The fans would be happy with those.

E: I think a lot of people- because we were just talking about your biggest fan.

W: My biggest-

E: Your grandma.

W: My grandma, yes. Big shout out to my grandma.

E: Do you think she’s watching right now?

W: She’ll definitely watch, I hope so.

E: What’s your grandma’s name?

W: Micheline.

E: Micheline, thank you very much for watching Micheline.

W: Micheline.

E: I appreciate it.

W: Women in power. She deserves a special place. No really, she follows all the fan accounts of wtFock. And then sometimes, or very often, we call and she gives me an update of what’s being said on the internet. Or yes, I also remember, when scenes come out and there’s things being said and she’s like "Willem, is that true, what are they saying?" And I say "Grandma, it’s nothing, it’s all from the show." "Ah okay, okay." So yes, very sweet grandma. She’s like the grandma where everything was allowed. I think that’s the same for everyone. At home, there are a lot of rules, and then you got to sleepover at your grandma’s and it was like: "Oh, I get to stay up later, and she made pudding for me." Her vanilla pudding-

E: That good?

W: Grandma, if you’re seeing this, please make some vanilla pudding when I visit.

E: Dude, everything’s falling out of my pocket.

W: You’re letting everything fall out of your pocket? Maybe you need to buy another pair of pants.

E: The chair is too comfortable that I’m kind of sinking in it, and now I constantly get-

W: The conversation’s too comfortable-

E: It’s just my phone, it’s vibrating, I think it just vibrated out of my pocket. So, silent, great. Eh, what were we talking about? About your grandma.

W: About my grandma.

38:46

E: Now, totally different subject. If you were a fish, what color fish would you be?

W: A fish?

E: Which color do you identify most with?

W: Eh.

E: And you’re a fish too of course.

W: Identify with which color. The thing is, I’m in the scouts. And in the Jins, that’s the last year before you become a leader, we were given a color totem, and the whole group decided on a color that fits you.

E: All right.

W: And mine was mango orange.

E: Wow, that’s cool.

W: Yeah, I thought it was cool too. And it means, if I have to think back, mango has quite a hard peel, relatively, but the fruit itself is quite soft. And that refers to my personality. I’m someone that lets people in fast, around me, but in the beginning, suspicion is a little strong, but kind of like, testing. Let’s say that. But once- From the outside I might look a bit hard. A lot of people say that when I have my straight face-

E: Resting bitch face.

W: That I’m angry. I was once told on the subway by a dude, and I was just listening to music, staring in the distance, and I think, suddenly a dude comes up to me, in French: "C’est quoi ton problème, heh, tu regardes come ça, c’est quoi ton problème." And I was like: "I’m sorry". Apparently, I was looking in his direction with my-

E: Bitch face.

W: Bitch face. He must have thought I was looking for problems. So yeah, that’s why the mango, a little hard on the outside, but once you get to know me better, a soft, sweet boy. So that’s why, orange. So, an orange fish then.

E: A little bit of Nemo vibes.

W: Yes, Nemo then. But let’s, what’s that theory. Did you hear that?

E: Theory?

W: About Nemo.

E: What’s the theory?

W: Haven’t you heard that? I keep seeing that online. I’m having a crisis. So the thing is, your childhood will get ruined.

E: Fuck man.

W: The thing is-

E: But there really are, no keep going, I have something I want to say afterwards.

W: The thing is, I’ve heard, that Nemo is Latin for nobody, and that the father is imagining that he still has an egg left, but that that fish doesn’t actually exist.

E: Oh fuck.

W: And that Dory joins him, and he sees, we’re actually not looking for anyone, but because he has memory issues, he constantly forgets that they’re not looking for anyone. So, they’re actually looking for nobody. And I saw that online and I was like.

E: Damn, so all the eggs are eaten, but he imagines that someone still has to be there.

W: Yes, something to keep living for.

E: Fuck man, that’s very brutal. That’s very fucked up.

W: Sorry to everyone for who Nemo is ruined now.

E: There’s a similar theory about Phineas and Ferb, and then Candice, their sister, is based on a true story about a girl that lost her brothers and still imagines that they're still doing stuff in the garden. And she keeps telling her mom: "Look, look, they are still here, they’re doing that." And that the mom says: "They’re not there." And that’s why she can never see that. You get it? Brutal right?

W: My whole childhood is ruined. Fucking hell.

E: That’s going to be the title of this podcast.

W: Childhood ruined.

E: We’re ruining your childhood.

42:17

W: We’re ruining your childhood. No but that’s good because, thankfully, I have a half-sister, but I say sister because I think half-sister is an ugly word, of seven years old. She thinks she’s 16. She’s a real diva.

E: Oh wow, okay.

W: She’s very, I’ll tell you a story later, but the thing is, I experience all those things with her again. In the beginning it was like, turning the tv on, Bumba, again. And I could secretly watch with her without feeling guilty. I was like, I’m watching Bumba and secretly I’m enjoying it, but sssh, I’m just watching it with my sister.

E: That exactly.

W: And now it’s Ketnet, like Hoodie, those series that she’s watching. And yes, I notice that because of all the technology today, she has an iPad, she’s on YouTube, she’s watching those self-made crafts.

E: 7 years old?

W: 7 years old, yes.

E: Wow.

W: She watches those- where people are playing with Barbies and they make a little play with them online on YouTube and they do stuff. Yes, a tablet. She has an iPad that’s bigger than her head. That makes me think- well, an iPad is usually bigger than everyone’s head. Or well, almost.

E: Not if you have a mini of course.

W: Her head isn’t that big.

E: Okay.

W: She’s on it a lot though. But she’s a real diva. I think the best story I have, there’s multiple. I remember the story, we were sitting at the table and she was having another moment of "I’m the princess, and everyone can leave because I do what I want and fuck you all". But the thing is, there’s five kids at home. I have a brother and two stepbrothers. So, she has four brothers, and she knows very well that she has four brothers. And that makes her feel even more like she’s the princess at home. So, we were sitting at the table. And she kept staring at my dad like this while throwing her cutlery on the ground. Like "what are you going to do". And my dad was like: "Liv," because her name is Liv by the way, "stop that."

E: That wasn’t nice of Liv. (Liv sounds the same as lief which means nice in Dutch.)

W: No. Not nice of-

E: Haha. Sorry.

W: Badam pam ts. Can’t we put that under here. Yes.

E: No, sorry, keep going.

W: So, he was like: "Liv, stop that, stop that." He started to get annoyed, because she kept going. "Liv, what is so hard to understand about no." And then it got silent at the table so I thought, okay, it’s done. The o.

E: Oh wow.

W: 7 years old and she drops that.

E: Oh wow.

W: And I thought, okay.

E: Damn bro.

W: The o. That she even dares to say that. Yeah, and she has those moments. She was sitting at the table, with her mask on, eating. So, she pulled her mask down to eat, and then she was chewing with her mask on. And then I asked: "Liv, why are you wearing your mask?" "Yes, you came back from Ghent, you’re not in my bubble."

E: Okay, okay.

W: So, then I said: "Okay, that’s fine." It’s crazy how that goes around among young children. Because my sister came back home from school crying once. And I asked her: ‘Liv, what’s wrong?’ "Yes, my friends didn’t let me play with them." So, I was like: "Why?" "Margot says I’m not allowed in her bubble."

E: Oh wow.

W: See, that’s becoming the new- we played with Pokémon cards on the playground and now it’s about playing games in bubbles because it’s so-

E: Damn.

W: Yes, you’re only allowed to have four people in your bubble so we don’t play with more than four.

E: Oh wow.

W: So I found that kind of crazy, or confronting that it made me think like, even at such a young age it has an impact. And I know that the-

E: That it leaves an impression.

W: Yes, and I know that my dad-

E: It’s sad that children have to think about it.

W: Yes, exactly.

E: Well, it’s not that- everyone should think about it of course.

W: Yes, yes, of course. It’s also that I know the way my dad feels about raising, that he tells Liv straight up about things that are happening in the world. He doesn’t make things seem nicer, or saying, eh, yes, no, but that’s- The classic story of how babies are made, with the cauliflowers, and what not.

E: I also just think-

W: How am I going to explain that to my kids?

E: If you don’t make it a taboo to start with, is it that bad? It’s just- it’s just. Oh well, that’s a whole other conversation.

W: Yes, no, definitely.

E: But straight up just telling what’s going on to your kids. I think I would prefer that to making up a story about the flowers and the bees.

W: Yes, yes.

E: Because the story about the flowers and the bees, I don’t even know how you actually- pollinating and stuff, is that what that means?

W: You do it like this, pollinating.

E: Yes, no, exactly.

W: Yes, but well, children, that’s still a long time from now.

E: Do you want kids, you think, later?

W: Yes, please.

E: Do you think you would be a good father?

W: I hope I would be a good father. Despite my parents’ divorce, I really do… I do look up to my parents. I’m proud of the way they raised me. So yeah if I would be a good father… sometimes, but maybe that’s the age, kids frustrate me. I’m a leader in the scouts for the Welpen and Welpen -great guys- but they can also be annoying and say “I’m not participating” and “that’s a stupid game, can we do something else?” and I’m like “we invest so much time in this and so much preparation, please participate” so sometimes that bothers me. But I would prefer not to have just one (child). Certainly more than one because… are you an only child?

E: No I have a little brother.

W: Yeah only child… with all due respect to people who are only children but sometimes I think… for example, I’m very happy that I have a brother. Not that it wouldn’t be fun without a brother per se, but I don’t know, the contact I have with my brother is nice.

E: The thing is, you don’t know what you’re missing so it’s hard to miss it I guess. But I do think that my brother has been a great added value to my life.

W: Yeah, yeah.

E: In the same way, I never really had grandparents. They all died before I was born and the grandfather I did have was quite old when I was actually aware that I had a grandfather. So I’ve never really had the grandparents experience that you see with family gatherings and stuff. But I don’t feel like I’ve missed anything but I still know how much other people benefit from having grandparents. Also what you just said about how often you call each other and stuff. I think that’s the same with being an only child. If you don’t have any brothers or sisters, you don’t know what it’s like to have that, what you’re missing. But if you do have it, it’s an added value I think.

W: Yes, exactly. No that’s true. My brother is very helpful to me now. I know that I can count on him.

E: Older or younger by the way?

W: Older.

E: A lot older?

W: 21.

E: 21.

W: Oh boy I had to think about how old my brother is. Embarrassing. Love you man. No but we had - maybe you had that too – but when we were younger, we really fought.

E: Physical?

W: Real fighting. Yeah, it’s has now gotten much better. I think we understand each other a lot better, but it used to be real… we had Catch WW on the Wii and we reenacted that on the couch so that was… “In the right corner Ramy Stereo” and we were bare-chested and both had one boxing glove on and fighting each other until one of us cried, bled or gave up. Usually it was me.

E: That’s just the fate of the little brother.

W: I always went… I’ve never admitted that actually, [whispers] it’s a confession. I’ve never admitted it, but afterwards I always went to my parents and cried “Kwinten hurt me”.

E: That’s really… that’s the moment, you feel it coming and you think “ah fuck no, if I hit again it’s probably over but I want to…” [cross-talk] “no no no don’t tell mom! Don’t tell mom!” I think I was a pretty nice big brother. We often did shit together. We were at home playing on the couch together and Olaf bumps into a large box that was standing there and the box, bigger than Olaf back then, fell down on his hand.

W: Oh shit.

E: So Olaf broke his hand. And I thought “I made him jump over those chairs” and then you have to say “sorry sorry don’t tell them, don’t tell them!” but yeah if your hand is fucking broken, you’re not gonna stop crying because your big brother says “don’t cry”. Yeah, that are…

W: Yes, but the relationship [between Willem and his brother] has improved. Okay we still have our discussions but... I think moments like when we’ve both been to a pub or something and we come home at the same time and we’re always hungry and standing in the kitchen making sandwiches. Those are great moments. I don’t necessarily need to have emotionally heavy of deep conversations with my brother to know that he’s there and that I can have a good time with him. So I think that’s the added value of having a brother or brothers in general.

E: Do you guys also have a specific sense of humor? Or like those moments when the two of you are laughing and your parents or people around you think “what the fuck is going on?”

W: Yeah we speak some slang to each other for fun. Like “stu stu” and [my slang knowledge is very limited so I have no idea what he’s saying here lol], those kinds of things. Typical slang from Brussels and Leuven. It’s funny because my parents are always like “why are you talking to each other like that?” and recently, I was leaving and my mom said “stu stu!” so they are adopting those words and then my brother and I can’t stop laughing.

E: Also if your mom suddenly says “are we going to chill later?” and I’m like [laughing] “what? Mom!”

W: “Okay??”

E: It’s kind of cute. Yeah it’s fun. And what are… I almost want to go deep like…

W: That’s okay.

E: Is there a particular interaction or experience you’ve had with your brother that sums up your relationship right now? Or are those the moments when you’re laughing and eating at night? It doesn’t have to be a super deep or emotional moment.

W: I think it’s an accumulation of those moments and emotional moments too. For example, after it was over with my ex. I was really down back then, it hit me pretty hard. Those are the moments when I can walk into my brother’s room in the middle of the night and he’s there for me. I know that dude is always going to be there when something’s wrong, no matter how much we argue or how much we shit at each other. I just know, and I hope he does too, that I can call him 24/7, walk into his room 24/7 and he will be there or ready to listen. I think that’s just something… the fact that we know that about each other, that creates that bond. And the thing is, if only he would do his best and go to work, earn real money… because we went on holiday together and he still hasn’t… he still has some work to do but we’ve already planned something. I’m really looking forward to it. We’re planning to go surfing in Portugal together. Those are moments I just know I can go somewhere with him and have the time of my life without-

E: …That you can remember for the rest of your life what you did together.

W: Yeah, absolutely. Those moments that I want to cherish or want to keep or experience.

E: My little brother is also just the most annoying dude on this planet who I love the most.

W: Exactly that combination. Annoying, but you love them.

E: Of course. The cameras are back on. That means we’ve been at it for over 50 minutes.

W: 50 minutes? It feels like we’re chatting for 20 minutes.

E: Exactly.

W: Pleasant.

E: That’s good. If it’s pleasant and the stress is gone.

W: Do you actually like me? “No I hate you. We’re going to finish. It has been good.”

55:29

E: No we’re not going to finish yet, but before we do, is there anything you’d like to send out into the world before we finish? On average there are 10 to 50 people watching. Is there anything you want to say to them?

W: To the 10 to 50 people?

E: Yes.

W: 10 to 50 people, you are awesome. No, what I’m saying… maybe a little deep but it doesn’t matter. Very often in your life you are going to encounter that you run into a wall, that you’re going to have setbacks, that you think “I don’t want to anymore, I can’t to this anymore, life is all one big shit show” but I think that there is a certain… at least I believe that – everyone has their own opinion of course- that a certain path has been mapped out for everyone. Not necessarily that things are set in stone but there is a road that you are going to take and that road is going to have curves, is going to have hills, is going to have valleys, is going to have everything. Maybe it’s a gravel path, maybe rocks you stumble over but -it sounds a bit stupid- put on your best walking shoes and just walk that path the best way you can. Just try to live life with complete joy and euphoria because you’re 100% worth it. No matter what other people say or think about your ideology or style or way of life. Everyone is entitled to it or should be given the opportunity to be appreciated for who they are. I think that’s something we do too little in this society, but yeah.

E: Just don’t be too hard on yourself in the end?

W: Yeah, don’t be too hard on yourself. A lot of people blame themselves too much. Or “oh I’m like that and I don’t fit in because of that” or something. Then I think: so be it.

E: Do you sometimes feel that you should do more or have achieved more at this age? Of course you’re already doing a lot of cool shit but social media, I know there is a highlight reel of all people’s achievements and that sometimes it’s very difficult to filter between what is real and how much is that person actually sitting on the couch doing nothing. Do you sometimes feel that because of social media of because of your environment or I don’t know, that you’re not doing enough?

W: Gosh, sometimes I think my life is too full.

E: Too full?

W: Not that I’m saying “oh I have so many things to do” but I’m like... I’m letting that grow organically or so.

E: Not putting too much pressure on yourself?

W: Not putting too much pressure on yourself. I’m doing a course now that I’d like to finish because I’ve had those two projects and there are friends of mine who say “why are you still studying? You’ve had your opportunity, you’re going to get new opportunities right?” and I say “hey! I’m also only 19”. Sometimes I think “fuck Willem you should have achieved more already” but I also think I’m only 19. There was a conversation at school… I really think that’s one of the added values of the course. We receive an observation report twice a year, 5 pages where the teacher writes about you and how they see you, what they think about you, what your qualities are, what you still need to work on. It’s always spot on. So strange how they can just see right through you, even though I sometimes try to hide it. Yeah, where was I going with this… we had subsequent conversation about it and I said to my teacher “sometimes I feel like I’m too young for this course” that I have too little life experience. There are people in my class who are in their 20s or older, who have already studied something else before this, have read a lot more, seen a lot more than me, a lot more experience and I think “fuck, I don’t have anything”. People talk about certain topics and I don’t follow at all. I mentioned that I felt too young and she [the teacher] said “you’re young, but that also has its advantages. Your youthfulness can actually be an interesting tool in this course and look at it from a different perspective”. So I’m convinced: don’t be too hard on yourself, don’t think “whew, I’m already 20 and I haven’t achieved anything yet” so to speak. I even saw a video recently where… “if you don’t make it in your 20s, you might make it in your 30s and if you don’t make it in your 30s, you might make it in your 40s”. There are so many… there really are a lot of people… people often forget that there are people who only find out what they want to do or discover their passion later in life.

E: And also just… I think it’s so ridiculous that you set certain goals for a certain age or something. That it’s so expected that by 18 you must have completed high school and by 25 you must have had your first job interview, by 28/30 you must have a house and a serious relationship where you’re committed to for the rest of your life and by 40 you must have already had a promotion, that you can provide for yourself and fix your pension. All those fucking predetermined milestones. I think that’s kind of bullshit, you know?

W: Absolutely.

E: If that were the case, then I should graduate in a few years so to speak while I’m clearly not studying here because I have – fuck normally I have a re-exam today. And here we are.

W: Here we are.

E: I knew I was doing this but I mean that’s just… there’s so much time. I’m 22 now and I’m doing some shit, if I go nuts now or people don’t want to listen to this podcast anymore, don’t want to see what I do online, okay then I have to look elsewhere. But I did this and I went for it and I tried. I’m 22. Even if I go nuts now and it’s all gone, I’m only 22. There are still so many ways it could go. A lot of people don’t have a job at 22. If I started looking for a new job or something now, hopefully I’ll have one by 25. Then it’s still okay because I’m only 25. I don’t know, I always find that… I could go on for a long time about this. I think those predetermined milestones/goals of things that you must have achieved by a certain age, I just think it’s bullshit.

W: I sometimes make the comparison that people too often see life as the sports world. Football players who are good until 35 and then they are done. As if you must have already performed before that age. That’s not how it works. You really have all the time and you really don’t have to stress. I also notice that many people… you mentioned re-exams. That people say “fuck I have re-exams, oh no I’m not going to pass, oh no you have extra…” chill. You do your best, but suppose you have to repeat a year, that’s not a disaster either, is it?

E: What I also think is crazy is how many people have studied law and you eventually hear that they ended up in a marketing agency because they found it much more interesting. When I talk to some people who… I was seeing a social media manager recently [laughs] “seeing”, I was talking to him.

W: “seeing” okay [laughs].

E: I was talking to him.

W: [joking] Ender has something to say.

E: And I asked “what did you study?” and he said biochemistry. “How the fuck did you end up here?” Him: “uh yeah that just wasn’t the right fit for me. I have a master’s degree but I started working here because I found it much more interesting”. I thought: why am I pretending that the degree I’m trying to get is going to determine the rest of my life, you know?

W: Absolutely.

E: If there are so many people now… because he was only 28 or something. So I thought “aah okay so you’ve been studying biochemistry for so many years and now you’re here – I don’t know if I’m talking about the correct position – but now you’re just sitting here making content. Cool. But why do I attach so much importance to that one direction I’m studying right now that doesn’t even have anything to do with media or anything. I mean I’m very interested in media, I’m studying economics. Which is also interesting, but that’s not what I see myself doing in the coming years.

W: Yeah, yeah.

E: Anyway enough about me. Do you think you could win in a fight against a cow?

W: [laughs] I really like that. You can switch to totally different shit like that. Like before you suddenly asked what color fish do you want to be. Okay. That’s nice. Win… I’ve heard if you knock over a cow it dies. That it has a heart attack then. We don’t want to kill cows okay!

E: And purely hypothetical, you’re just standing in a kind of meadow so it’s not super big so you can’t go in all directions. There is a limited domain. You come face to face with that cow and you have to begin. No weapons. You’re standing there and the cow stands there and you both know you’re going to fight.

W: It knows that too?

E: It knows that too.

W: [makes mooing noises] okay ca va.

E: It’s not a bull but it does have horns so in fact it would-

W: I would shit my pants. I’d give up already. I would lie on the ground, come on. Really crazy, I saw Jackass recently. Those guys, that Wee Man, who was in that link with the bull and he’s being catapulted, so to speak.

E: I don’t understand how those guys aren’t all dead yet.

W: Yeah they are really crazy.

E: There was also a rumor that Wee Man died from a bowling ball during… but apparently that wasn’t true.

W: I don’t know.

E: Fucked up shit. Would you win against a cow?

W: Would I win against a cow? No, I wouldn’t win against a cow. I don’t think I would win against a cow.

E: I think I would. I think just like with a bull I would try to jump out of the way like that and once you’re on the side it’s just a matter of pushing. If what you said is true, it’s game over when it’s down and you know, that’s your tactic.

W: But the thing is, a cow is heavy, isn’t it?

E: True.

W: You can’t just push it over like that, can you?

E: Sure, but it’s a matter of life or death, isn’t it? The adrenaline rush. You have to image, a cow just comes running towards you. The adrenaline that goes through your body. You shouldn’t underestimate the power you have then.

W: Just find the best patch of grass and when it’s there, sneaky knife in the back. No, now people are going to think I’m that kind of person.

E: That you’re just a snake.

W: Snake. Definitely and I admit it. No, that would be fucked up.

E: I’m going to do one more thing that’s important. I’m going to find a Twitter shout out and in the meantime, I already asked you what your message is to the world and that was a beautiful message. Got something more banal that you’d like to share? Something that you want to share from your social media or something?

W: What do you mean from social media?

E: Where they can follow you. You can say something if you have a really good video that you want to share. “Check me everywhere”.

W: No I don’t have… people should do what they feel like doing. Do you think I’m cool, do you think I’m fun, follow me on Insta. No really doesn’t matter. Doesn’t really matter.

E: Alright, I’m just going to scroll and you say stop. I’ll go back and forth and you have to say “yes that’s the one who gets to have this week’s shout out”.

W: Exciting huh. Stop.

E: [reads twitter account] M. Verschuren.

W: M. Verscheure.

E: Is that…

W: [reads quote] “If you were never sad, you wouldn’t know you could be happy”.

E: Wow. Damn bro.

W: I’m going to edit my quote.

E: “If you were never sad, you wouldn’t know you could be happy”. Wow. If you didn’t have shitty days, you wouldn’t know what the best days of your life were.

W: Exactly. But what if you get stuck in your shitty days for the rest of your life?

E: That won’t happen. That’s my biggest fear.

W: Me too.

E: Looking back at your life and thinking-

W: …Fuck I’ve never been there again.

E: …That’s where I peeked. Hope that doesn’t happen. Anyway M. Verscheure thank you very much for listening, I really appreciate it. You as well, I think?

W: Absolutely, absolutely. How much were you going to pay me?

E: 50 euro.

W: Then I’ll come… awesome. Super cool.

E: Thank you so much to everyone who listened. I appreciate it. If you want to hear more you can always subscribe to this channel. It’s also good for my ego. I’ll just put your Instagram link in the description, for people who are interested. Okay, that was it.

W: Thanks, it was fun.

E: There’s an audio only episode on Spotify every Sunday and the video comes out on Monday. That’s it. See you next Monday. Or Sunday. Peace.

[gun-powder-milk-shake]

me and my mom are planning to ask my psychiatrist for a full psych evaluation and advice on how to get an autism diagnosis and it’s crazy how many things i’ve been describing to people that i never realized were apart of autism:

————————

sensory overload:

- i have an insane sensitivity to sound something that i’ve been trying to explain to people (including about 7 therapists) for years. i can feel it in my brain like in my ear IN my brain. it physically pains me and i’ve literally dropped to my knees in the middle of a school tour because i heard a random ass scraping noise. i also cannot stand pencils for one thing, the feeling of it hitting the paper is unbearable. i physically cringe everytime i see one being used and especially using one myself. istg my younger brother purposely tries to set me off and that gets me angry as fuck. this usually ends in me just screaming at the top of my fucking lungs (no words just screaming) and at times becoming physical. it’s just literally my brain doing anything possible to get rid of the sound

————————

masking:

- i’m still trying to find out the definition of this but i literally just talked to my therapist about this the other day. i had to permanently move from in person to online school mainly because of sensory overload but because i always fucked up socially. i pride myself on being well mannered, polite at all times, wary of other people’s needs, considerate, analyzing facial emotions, but i’m only able to do those things with people i actually know and i’ve learned over the years how to handle those people and myself around them. i never realized that until i got out of the insanely small bubble i was in. i told my therapist that “i can’t help but be myself” and by that i mean i always wanted to change myself into just being more friendly and able to keep up a conversation without being unbearably awkward, but i always fucked up.

- this has resulted in me trying to be aware of everyone around me’s needs and i try not to offend anyone. this usually ends in me breaking down because no matter how hard i try i usually end up failing and “feeling mentally ill af” as i usually call it. this is only really a problem for me with in person situations. online i am more myself and unafraid to do so because online i feel like i don’t need to hide if that makes sense?

————————

stimming:

- YOU WILL NOT UNDERSTAND HOW HAPPY AND RELIEVED I WAS WHEN I RESEARCHED MORE ABOUT THIS. i for a stupid amount of time have certain things i do to calm down. these things have been noticed by family friends, my mom especially, friends, and random ass people because of how strange it apparently is. what i usually do is shake my hand in an orderly manner if that makes sense. like i shake it back and forth like a tambourine. i used to do it in the middle of soccer games and that’s when people started to take notice, but now i use it in breakdowns and when my senses are overloaded. i just recently was doing it to calm myself down after a failed social attempt that was thrown at me while walking my dog (my safe space usually)

- i’ve never brought up that method before because i thought it was stupid i suppose and i have a hard time talking to people about something that matters to me without thinking that they don’t fucking care. i’ve been taught for a decade now how to do deep breathing and grounding exercises but nothing compares to that random ass jazz hand i do 🤷🏻‍♀️

————————

mutism (sometimes):

- something i’ve done for a long ass time now (that has gotten me into a lot of fucking trouble btw) is shutting up completely when i’m super fucking stressed. actually sometimes i just don’t feel like talking? i will stop mid sentence, like i run out of juice. even my thoughts get tired of moving, it’s relaxing sometimes. unless it’s almost involuntary, for example me struggling to form anything other than hums and grunts when spoken to. humming is a habit of mine that people point out and associate with me on a daily basis. i just hum out words and sometimes people get what i mean and sometimes they don’t. if they don’t i ignore them entirely because of how fucking pissed i get of having to repeat myself (even tho i have people repeat themselves to me all day because i always drift off)

————————

special interest:

- okay this one was hard to deal with because i always talk nonstop about “you’re just mad you’re not interested in anything! i’m not obsessed it just makes me really happy!”and they may have a point but at the same time fuck off because it makes me happy so leave me alone. i go into like hyper focus on really random shit. for example i’ve had years worth of phases (or current ones): sims 4 (obsessed with the control), minecraft (easy to drift away into), certain musical group (i don’t even know how to explain this one), hot wheels (holy shit i lost my fucking mind over these things growing up), etc. the thing is when i get into something, i get into it. i learn everything about it, i make whole notebooks, i make focused playlists on spotify, i daydream about it for fucking years and lose my sense of reality, etc. it becomes a staple for who i am and i guess i do get a little obsessed? but i really don’t see it that way. it’s just normal for me

————————

twitching (?):

- time for the “this isn’t right but i also don’t know if this is apart of asd?” i’ve read something about tics as some people have describe them? my face and body repetitively twitches hard. it usually starts when i start to get triggered but gets progressively worse as i go more into it. it can be painful at times because i can’t really control it and i knock into things (the anemia already has me knocking into things but this is different lmao)

————————

advice please:

- i really don’t know much about this, but i do know that autism can be genetic (i’m still researching) and both of my brothers (21 and 10) have been diagnosed with autism and it’s never really been considered for me? i have been diagnosed with all the same mental disorders as my older brother, we’re very similar when it comes to how we perform as human beings, but nobody has bothered to check with me. they usually just try to add another mood disorder, ocd, or bpd to my list.

- i’ve actually been told i display ocd tendencies by my psychiatrist and looking back at it i think it was just repetitive movements and intense bursts of energy caused from me having a breakdown

- i’m going to ask my psychiatrist about what to do and get some advice about where to go from here especially with everything i’ve learned because these basic ass anxiety and grounding coping skills aren’t working anymore and i just need something more, something that is actually helpful for what i’m going through, and i honestly believe that this is it

- please let me know any info you have, i’m researching a lot and am hyper focused on this shit like a mf but i still have some stuff that i don’t know and some paper online isn’t gonna teach that to me

[softluci]

talking to myself

[to begin, i wanna give a TW for mentions of m/rder, as well as s/icide and s/icidal jokes and thoughts; i know that i personally make a lot of jokes like these and so do a lot of my friends and people in general, but i also know that this can be really triggering for a lot of people, so if you are one of those people, this is not the post for you. take care of yourselves.] 

i’m, like, 100% sure that this is something associated with younger people, but in case it isn’t, i’ll just talk about myself. so, i talk to myself a lot. like, a lot. even more than i used to now that i’m alone a lot of the time. and the things that i say (and my friends also say), while they have no basis in reality, they are thoroughly unhinged. and i know that. but! i also find it incredibly funny and i wanted to do a set of headcanons for an mc who talks to themselves like that. some examples of things i say, some of which are things i picked up from my friends, include: 

“you’re sick” (/neg) “this is deranged” “the derangement” “i am insane” “i can’t take it anymore” [sobbing] “this is getting annoying, i need a fucking gun.” “i’m gonna kill myself and ruin everyone’s day.” “and it’s like, why, you know?”  “i’m gonna start killing people” “oh my god, i’m totally buggin” “get the FUCK—” “every day, i am provoked to rage” [unprovoked, uncontrollable laughter] “this reality...it wants me to be a murderer.” “i will kill.” “i don’t wanna” “it’s an illness that you have” “i would kill myself in front of you and permanently alter the trajectory of your life.” “it is time for the immense power of violence.” “don’t make me get violent~” “okay so just die then.” “i’m gonna rip you apart with my teeth.” “i’ll just die, that’s fine.”  and so on, and so forth. 

this is kinda long, but whatever, mc is gn, let’s have fun.

lucifer 

lucifer liked to think that he’d gotten used to you and your tendency to speak with little to no thought. he didn’t love this about you, but he certainly learned to expect it as the days went by. what he didn’t know, however, was that you talked to yourself. his guess was that you’d been refraining from doing so around him, as there was literally no other explanation for what had just happened to his state of being.

he was on his way to the kitchen, just to get some coffee before heading back to his office, when he heard something hit the floor. it didn’t sound like anything broke, so he wasn’t too concerned, but, nevertheless, he quickened his pace. 

he was not prepared for what you said, nor the venom you said it with, as he heard—

“this reality...it wants me to be a murderer, an instrument of evil...fine.”

you definitely weren’t expecting him to approach you as quickly as he did and grab your chin the way he did, but he was making sure you weren’t possessed. upon finding out that, no, you weren’t possessed, you’d just dropped a spoon, he took about seventeen points of psychic damage. 

mc, he is old and tired and he’s not used to this new flavor of humans who like to say the most deranged things they can think of whenever they’re slightly inconvenienced. you are shaving decades off of his life. he can’t tell you to refrain from doing that because you have been, so he is going to take it upon himself to try and make your life easier whenever he can. hopefully it’ll work, and you won’t be moved to unhinge yourself from your sanity the next time you make a small mistake. 

mammon

mammon is around you often enough to know that you talk to yourself every now and again. nothing too out of the ordinary, maybe some comments about the homework you were working on or whatever you were doing on your d.d.d. he was also around you often enough to know that the things you said weren’t always well thought-out, or thought-out at all. he wasn’t judging, he had no place to, he knew that, but—you know, he can’t say he was prepared for this. 

he was on his way to your room, as per usual, when, as he got to your doorway, you were overcome by something vile and you said, “i will kill.”

he has never burst into your room faster. he’s in your face, he’s yelling, his hands are on your shoulders, he’s this close to thrashing you around in hopes that whatever evil crawled inside of you while he wasn’t looking will come flying out—

what...did you say? you made a mistake on your homework? you made a mistake on your homework and your next course of action was to make anyone in a 300 foot radius think you’re possessed? you’re more boneheaded than he thought, and you should feel ashamed at this moment because this is the resident bonehead speaking. moving on, though. 

how can he make you into a happier person overall so that this doesn’t happen? if you don’t know, he’ll just attach himself to your hip so he can find out. congratulations, he’s never leaving you alone.

levi

levi is no stranger to saying things he doesn’t mean in moments of stress—this is just what happens when a person spends a lot of time playing games online. he’s said some pretty off-color things during matches, strings of curses, and the like, but he has never said, nor heard anything like what just left your mouth.

“i’m gonna start killing people.”

at first, he didn’t really react, giving you a quick glance and asking, “in the game, right?”

upon being met with silence, he looked to see you gripping your controller too tightly to actually use it, and asked again, “in the game, right?”

you blinked, apparently freed from whatever rage induced trance you slipped into, and turned towards him, “did you say something?”

he blinked at you once, twice, like the gears in his head were turning, and then—hysteria. 

he has you pinned to the floor with your wrists above your head, horns protruding from his scalp, and he is screaming—who are you, what have you done with mc, tell him your name before he summons lotan, leave his friend alone, and so on and so forth. he was interrogating you before you could even process the situation enough to feel fear. 

once he got over the bulk of his panic, he heard you screaming back at him, telling him it was you, you weren’t possessed, just talking to yourself, and let go of your wrists before he breaks them—he understood, kind of. he has no idea why you’d choose a phrase like that for when you’re annoyed, but at least you weren’t possessed! his henry was safe after all ^_^

he was so relieved that it took him a few seconds to realize he was still…pinning you down…and straddling you…so, naturally, more hysteria.

satan 

he’d actually grown fond of you and your tendency to speak with no thought or regard for the consequences of your actions—mainly because it stressed lucifer out, but he was fond of it nonetheless. it made you all the more interesting, more fun to talk to, and it helped him read you better. he liked to pick you apart by way of conversation, and he liked to do it as often as possible. 

presently, he was on his way to the library to meet you. the two of you were set to talk about a series you decided to read together. as he approached the doorway, he heard your voice, but no one else’s. he smiled in place of a laugh. were you talking to yourself? how cute—

“every day...i am provoked to rage unimaginable. why?” 

before you could even finish exhaling, he was above you, holding your face in his hands. from the glow of his eyes, you could tell he was barely keeping it together, but you had no idea what was wrong. did he hear what you said?

he said your name carefully, swiping his thumbs under your eyes. “have we been spending too much time together?” 

he was rubbing off on you, in the worst possible way. how could he have allowed this to happen? what has he done to you? where did this anger of yours come from? it has to be because of him. it would hurt, but he would distance himself from you at once, if that’s what—

“ah, did you hear what i said? i talk to myself like this all the time, satan, i’ve been doing it since before we even met. sorry if i frightened you.” 

he blinked, hands dropping to your shoulders. he was relieved, but so, so confused. 

“well,” he started, “then let’s talk about that instead.” 

asmo 

if you’d been refraining from talking to yourself around lucifer, you definitely did it for asmo too. there was no one in this house who wanted to see you angry less than he did. anger was such an ugly emotion, wasn’t it? he much preferred sadness; it was easier to manage, both in himself and others. 

of course, he could never think about being angry or sad when he was with you! how could he, when he’s with one of his favorite people? presently, he was on his way to your room to pick you up for one of your weekly outings. oh, you left the door open for him and everything! he was about to call out to you, but then he heard you talking to someone—he had no idea who it possibly could’ve been because he had no idea you could even sound like that when speaking to a sentient being. 

“i will rip you apart with my fucking teeth.” 

he had his arms around you before you even knew he was in your room. it seemed like a hug, and in a way, it was! the intent was to keep you in place so you couldn’t run away, rather than to comfort you, but it’s not like you could tell; his arms were around you all the time anyway.

“mc, light of my life, apple of my eye, who are you talking to?”

you twisted in his hold to face him, “i talk to myself all the time, asmo, you can ask anyone.”

he hummed, staring at you for a while before changing his hold on you into an actual hug. 

“you had me worried for a minute, darling~”

he didn’t really believe you, but he figured he would know if you were lying, and he could definitely handle whatever vile thing wormed its way into you while nobody was looking. best case scenario, he really didn’t have anything to worry about, and worst case scenario, you started speaking in tongues in the middle of majolish. if the latter happened to occur, he was strong enough to purge a lower demon from your body. it might hurt a lot a little , but at least you’d be safe!

beel 

for the most part, beel didn’t feel any particular way about your inclination to say words with no thought behind them. it was just something you did, like anything else was; he accepted it the same way he accepted everything else about you because that’s what friends do for each other. however—he would be lying if he said you didn’t upset him at times. 

like today—he was set to do his homework with you, on his way to the living room with an armful of snacks, when he heard something like the tip of a pencil breaking. it didn’t bother him, but it seemed to bother you. a lot. 

“i—i’ve had it, i’m gonna kill myself and ruin everyone’s goddamn day.” 

all of his snacks scattered across the floor when he dropped them to get to you. his hands were on your shoulders, but he wasn’t grabbing you. fortunately (or, unfortunately), belphie did this around him all the time, so he knew what to do, albeit it wasn’t much. 

slowly, he pulled you into a hug. not a crushing one, but enough to keep you from going anywhere. 

you started to explain yourself, telling him you do this all the time, that you didn’t mean it, that you were fine. it did nothing to reassure him because those were all of belphie’s usual phrases, but he appreciated the sentiment. 

“i know,” he started, pulling away from you. “i’m just making sure you don’t go anywhere. i like having you around. that’s all.”

belphie 

alright, this house isn’t big enough for the two of you. he is the vocally unwell person around these parts, he is the one who everyone is concerned about at all times, thank you very much. he was the one who made the jokes about death. he was the one with the concerning one-liners. that was all him. he wasn’t proud of it, he didn’t like the fact that things were this way, but it was what it was. he didn’t want you to be like him, and yet, there you were doing exactly that—even if you didn’t know. 

he was in your room, in your bed, actually— unbeknownst to you—because he was having trouble sleeping. you were somewhere in the house, on your way there, and once you arrived, it seemed like you were stressed. he didn’t know for sure, but he had a hunch that something was just eating away at you because as soon as you came in the door, you threw your bag on the ground and said—

well, you didn’t say anything, at first. the first thing you did was laugh. it was unrestrained, loud, and completely void of joy. and then, you said, “i can’t—i can’t fucking do this, i’ll just die, that’s fine, that’s okay.” 

he sat up faster than he has in the last century, deciding to be merciful and overlook how hard you gasped when you saw he was there. 

“belphie? why are you in my room?” 

he stood up, approaching you at a snail’s pace, “i couldn’t sleep, i was waiting for you, next question—why did you say what you just said?” 

before you could even start your usual explanation—you do this all the time, it’s fine, you’re fine—he was speaking again. 

“and don’t—don’t even try that, ‘it’s fine, ask anyone,’ shit with me, that’s my go-to, so you’re gonna have to come up with something new.” 

he looked at you expectantly, reaching behind you to close the door, locking it soon after. 

“belphie—”

he pulled you to your bed, falling onto it with you and holding you in place. 

“i have been doing this for much longer than you, and i will be doing it for a long time after you. i’d like to postpone the latter for as long as possible, so i would appreciate it if you talked to me.”

[queergodot]

Finished the Engarde case for the first time, and I REALLY loved it, it's probably my favourite case so far, but I did have two pretty big issues with it and because I'm an insufferable nerd I will now proceed to complain about them.

1. The treatment of suicide and mental health issues was less than stellar. I accept using suicide as a plotpoint, though I do think that it can get quite tasteless quite quickly, but the way it was handled in this case wasn't just tasteless, but potentially harmful. I'm mainly referring to Edgeworth using a suicide attempt/mental health issues as blackmail to get a witness to talk on the stand. That, in and of itself, would've been fine if it had been framed as a bad thing to do, but it wasn't. Throughout the Engarde case, Edgeworth was consistently framed as having gotten his life together, and having become a better person. In addition, Adrien states later that Edgeworth forcing her to talk in this way lead to her finally feeling okay with herself, once she was alone in the detention center. I get that they did this to create parallels between her and Edgeworth/Franziska, but it shows a fundamental lack of knowledge of mental health issues and suicide. Suicidal ideation and mental health issues will not improve by having some guy throw them in your face and then being arrested and left alone in a cell. In fact, this is not unlikely to trigger a new suicide attempt. This portrayal of suicide is potentially harmful, as it promotes false ideas on how to heal from suicidal ideation and mental health issues, and it's possible for people to get the wrong idea on how to treat themselves/their loved ones who are in similar situations. Adrien's ""illness"" sounds a lot like Dependent Personality Disorder, and I may not know a lot about DPD, but this is extremely not the way to treat that. Of course, Ace Attorney is not a PSA about mental health, but I believe all media has a responsibility to be careful in portraying sensitive subjects like this.

2. I really don't think trying to get Phoenix to learn about the 'true' duty of a defense attorney like. Worked for this case? First of all, I really don't think Phoenix was ever particularly likely to blindly try to get his clients off. He has always followed the evidence, but trusted his clients not to lie to him about their innocence. Which has been repeatedly stated to be the 'correct' approach; a lack of trust in his client was why Robert Hammond was such a bad defense attorney; Mia, who is in no small part treated as the series' moral compass, repeatedly insists on the need to trust your clients; and trust in others and the value of it has been a repeated and obvious motif in the series thusfar that even played a significant role in this same case. And trusting a client and believing them to be innocent was not the issue in this case; the issue was that Maya was held hostage?? Like even though Phoenix did believe Engarde to be innocent at first, it was not unsubstantiated, and even if he HAD thought he was guilty, he would've still been forced to defend him.

Like idk I don't understand why they insisted Phoenix had to learn what it meant to be a defsense attorney and that you have to follow the truth even if it means getting your client proclaimed guilty when that had never been an issue before? Phoenix has never shown to be willing to get guilty people off for crimes they definitely did do. Even in this case, once he found out Engarde was guilty, he DESPERATELY wanted to get him declared guilty. The only reason why he didn't was because Maya was being held hostage.

It's not that I think a storyline like this couldn't have been done; in fact, I think it would be quite interesting. But if we presume Phoenix has an issue that could cause him to misunderstand what being a defense attorney means and get his clients off no matter what, it should be addressed in a plotline where this becomes a problem due to Phoenix's own flaws. Because in this plotline, it simply makes no sense to accuse Phoenix of trying to get his clients off no matter what when he a) is literally not doing that and b) is only even so much as thinking about doing that because a loved one is being held hostage. Like!! That's an extenuating circumstance that was in no way his fault!! No fair court of law would hold him accountable for that!!!

Again, I DO think this (the idea that Phoenix will get his clients off no matter what) is an interesting flaw for Phoenix, but in this case, that behaviour was caused by wanting to save Maya's life, which is an external circumstance, not a personal flaw. He cannot learn to work on not getting his loved ones held hostage. I mean??? This is like if Edgeworth had only become the Demon Prosecutor because Von Karma kidnapped his dad and kept him in the basement and forced Edgeworth to by threatening his father, and Edgeworth's unethical behaviour was still framed like it was him not understanding what a prosecutor does and needing to grow as a person. It's ridiculous.

If Phoenix has any issues that could lead to unethical behaviour in the courtroom, it's a) his stubborn trust in people, and b) his savior complex. And since the first is, in fact, a good thing, adressing the second would probably be better. And it did come up in this trial, and was challenged, but it was not the reason he tried to get Engarde off unjustly, not really. Sure, he reacted unhealthily to Maya being held hostage, at first refusing Edgeworth's help because he believed he needed to save Maya himself, but he gave in rather quickly, and it wasn't the reason he fought Edgeworth on the guilty verdict in court. That was because he needed to stall for time and had been explicitly asked to do so by the rescue team. If anything, his savior complex lead him to do the right thing, since he just couldn't get himself to condemn Adrien while she was begging for help.

For the record, I do think Phoenix's savior complex is a character flaw, and even though I think his stubborn trust is ultimately a virtue, I do think it can cause problems (which, from what I've heard, the series does address later). I also don't think Phoenix acted flawlessly during this trial; his grudge for and lack of trust in Edgeworth jeaporized the situation further, and if he'd sought help earlier rather than trying to solve the situation himself, it may not have escalated as much as it did. But none of those things have anything to do with thoughtlessly trying to get Engarde off. They have to do with Phoenix's reaction to Edgeworth's 'death' and Maya's kidnapping.

Because ultimately, the conflict in this case wasn't 'What does it mean to be a defense attorney when your client is guilty?', but rather 'Does the duty an attorney has to truth and justice outweigh the life of a loved one?' But that first dilemma has a simple, clear-cut right answer: you should not try to get the guilty off for murder. But the second doesn't have one; answering it is highly dependent on your personal belief system and sense of morality. And Ace Attorney didn't seem to want to give one, either because it was afraid of stepping on toes, or because it wanted the player to come to their own conclusions. This is why it was your choice to decide whether Phoenix would say his client was guilty or not guilty, and Phoenix himself gave no canon answer.

And this is REALLY compelling but it also has fuck all to do with 'Phoenix gets his clients off no matter what' and it's weird to me they tried to pretend otherwise.

[theodora3022]

Sheathed Claws (Part 1)

(Yandere Fukuzawa feat.Ranpo as his evil sidekick)

Summary: As a former Assassin himself, the formidable Silver Wolf Yukichi Fukuzawa can see through seemingly perfect disguises. You really should not have chosen ADA to work after fleeing the Order of the Clock Tower. 

Notes: I wrote this instead of polishing my Tetchou fic, someone yells at me to do things in order- You can sense clear parental issues here, so enjoy! The reader’s ability is modelled after Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights, the ability to control air currents. She is a former assassin leader of the Order of Clock tower, her superior being Lady Agatha Christie. I could have wrote this as a full fic, but I got too excited about a Mori fic and just...went with easy way with this one. The next part would be out next week by the latest.

Special thanks to @killuwumi​ and @bungoose​ for beta reading this mess! You guys are the best :))

Warnings: Female reader, Power imbalance, possessive behaviours(in future chapters), mild yandere themes, Ranpo gives horrible relationship advices

You thought your facade is good enough, that your acquaintances are none the wiser. And you are correct, at least to a certain degree. But for a fellow former Assassin, it is not that difficult to decipher from the way you carry yourself. Fukuzawa, the president of your current organization, for one.

You had paid an old friend a good sum, who happens to be a government official, to cleanse your dirty past. Nobody would find anything now, not even yourself.

To avoid any suspicions, you created this bubbly innocent girl mask for your coworkers, to gain their trust so even if the Order finds out about you they would have a hard time pursuing you. You never were particularly close to anyone, even when you let Naomi come to your shopping trips from time to time after her endless pleas. “Your western style is just so cute! I want to try it!!” Of course, you cannot say no. Guess Lady Christie was right, if you wear a mask long enough it would fuse in with your true self.

You act just like any other secretary in the ADA, polite, properly-dressed, hardworking and always ready to pick up any agent’s slack on paperwork(mainly Dazai’s). He notices how you would blend well with the background with that quiet nature, your presence barely noticeable, just like what he used to be in his assassin days. You also have a sweet voice and would look up to him with those adorable feline-like eyes while reading meeting reports to him.

No, no Yukichi, she is your employee, not a stray kitten you encountered in a park. You cannot pat her on the head or squeeze her cheeks, it would be inappropriate. He had to scold himself so very often, whenever you smile to greet him at his desk or wish him a good evening when you leave work. Maybe that is why he hired you, a foreigner with little work experience in Japan.

Since you are only a clerk, Fukuzawa assumed you did not possess a special ability, therefore he did not bother to check your background thoroughly. However, there is something that distinguishes you from the norms like Kirako Haruno or Naomi Tanizaki. Your quick reflexes are unusual for a civilian. His suspicions were confirmed thanks to Ranpo.

When Ranpo accidentally pushed one of his donuts off the table, you snatched a napkin, crouched down and caught the pastry with one hand. All done within half a second, without dropping a single sheet of the files on your other hand. Even Ranpo was impressed and gave you a few words of praise. You responded with a sheepish smile, but that smile does not look so harmless to Fukuzawa anymore. That is when Fukuzawa took a particular interest in you, who are you really? Those moves would take years of training to mould into one’s instincts.

You have hidden pockets in that skirt? He could just be paranoid, but that size is enough to fit a mini-gun or a dagger. In fact, you do carry these things around, old habits die hard. Decades of Assassin life had made you insecure without a weapon to hold. But young women often carry self-defence mechanisms right? Surely you would need them since you are just so cute. Is he just overthinking things?

Using his connections, the ADA president got a copy of your records from the Government Database. But they are nothing out of the ordinary, almost too normal. Maybe you are just blessed with natural talents, not some government spy.  Because that could mean big problems, as Fukuzawa hates the government to stick their noses into his Agency.

“(Y/n)-san? She is a nice girl. She is always willing to help out everyone with their troubles. Hah, one time she even went to drag Dazai out from a ditch!”

“When the powers are out, (y/n)-chan brought lots and lots of candles for us. I cannot be more grateful.”

“She loves sweets and would often bake me some! (y/n)-chan calls me her test subject for her confectionery arts, not that I mind as long as I get half of her chocolate cookies!”

Only words of praise and gratitude, Fukuzawa cannot seem to find a single bit of negativity related to you? You are so friendly towards everyone, no one ever saw you in a different mood other than cheerfully happy.

The more Fukuzawa learns about you, the more invested he becomes. Even though it started as an investigation, he had grown fond of you rather quickly. Soon enough he finds himself smiling back to your greetings and goodbyes, even sneaking gazes full of fondness when you were not noticing.

Hm, so the agency president had taken a special interest in you huh? That is better than ideal. Now you can sleep soundly at night without ten traps set up in your apartment. People usually protect what they love right? Now you got the powerful Silver Wolf, an elite swordsman as your bodyguard!

These little actions did not get past the observations of Ranpo Edogawa. You are pleasant to have around, and if you marry the president would mean you would never leave the ADA right? He can have those delicious sweets for the rest of his days! His sensei is happy, and he got an endless supply of delicious food, sounds like a win-win to him.

So when Fukuzawa asked him to use his Ultra Deduction on you, little Ranpo did not suspect a thing and gladly obliged.

“(y/n)-chaan is a skilled assassin, with at least ten years of experience...And served in the Order of the Clock Tower as one of their finest knights, but she is currently on exile.” Ranpo and Fukuzawa exchange a glance, mixed with shock and horror. Both stayed silent for a while, digesting the unbelievable truth Ranpo just dug up.

So, his hunch was correct. But how can you, a charming lady who would help the elderly to cross the street, would give up your seat on the train to pregnant women, would help out anyone in need used to be a cold-blooded assassin? (These are all classic kindness gestures in Asia, in case anyone is confused)

Can Fukuzawa imagine you in black tights(eh idk how this came up), ending people’s lives while lurking in the shadows? No, it is physically impossible. He lived that kind of life, how can you turn out to appear so innocent? Unless you hid your evils exceptionally well. This sends a chill down his spine, the thought of someone who can fool the entire Agency of intelligent agents…

You may not harbour any ill-will towards them yet, but you still pose a major potential risk regardless. You can feed the agents poisonous cakes and even Kunikida would eat them without question. Some precautions need to be taken.

“Sensei, you like (y/n)-chan, right? Why not take her in and watch her every move, make sure she is no threat?” Another win-win situation, if you ask Ranpo. You would have all the time in the world to bake! Wouldn't that be amazing?

His smart apprentice never disappoints.