#at least personally that has really helped me with avoiding gaslighting and feeling more confident in describing why i feel the way i do

[aro-culture-is]

Aro culture is:

“You’ll get a crush someday!”

Five years later, seventeen years old, no crush and forced into a toxic relationship because your mom is toxic

I'm sorry that that has happened to you. To you, and anyone else in these situations:

You know yourself. Even if your current aromanticism is a phase, that doesn't mean people should be invalidating your current feelings and intentions. You deserve to be listened to and respected.

As much as is possible, establish boundaries in your relationships. I will always advocate that a boundary is not "Do not do this", a healthy boundary looks more like "If you do this, I will respond like this." For example, in toxic relationships, there is often an expectation that you will drop everything for the other. It may be useful to say "If I tell you I cannot hang out right now and you insist I should regardless, I will silence notifications from you for an hour." If they disrespect your boundary, enforce your reaction. If they tell you this is extreme, unreasonable, anything of that nature - remind yourself: I am respecting my time. Even if I would like to be hanging out, I cannot, and being pressured to find excuses or being shamed for circumstances I cannot change in this moment is unreasonable and harming me.

Things will get better, and that is a promise. I know at 17 I wanted to reach through the screen and strangle anyone that told me that - but seriously. My life at 23 isn't perfect at all - but I am in control of it. You will get there.

[girl4music]

BUFFY REWATCH - S05E06 - Family

WILLOW: “My dance?

*She takes Tara's hand and leads her onto the floor as a slow song starts. They begin to dance. Willow has her hands on Tara's waist; Tara's hands on Willow's shoulders*

Good birthday?” 

TARA: “Best birthday.”

WILLOW: “I still can't believe you didn't tell me about your family and all that.” 

TARA: “I was just afraid if you saw the kind of people I came from, you wouldn't wanna be anywhere near me.”

WILLOW: “See... that's where you're a dummy. I think about what you grew up with and then I look at what you are... it makes me proud. It makes me love you more.”

TARA: “Every time I... even when I'm at my worst, you always make me feel special. 

*Willow smiles*

How do you do that?”

WILLOW: “Magic.” 

*They embrace, putting their heads on each other's shoulders and swaying to the music*

Melanie Doane (sings): “I can't take my eyes off you... I can't take my eyes off you...”

*This line of song repeats several more times as they continue slowly moving to the music and the camera moves around them. We see them slowly rising upward. Long shot of Willow and Tara surrounded by other couples who are also dancing, but Willow and Tara are floating several feet above the floor*

‘Family’ is one of my favourite episodes of the whole show. It’s definetly my favourite episode of Season 5... but then there’s not really much contest there. I love it not only because it’s the only Tara-centric episode that finally gives her some character development. But I also love it for the complex and serious themes it addresses. That of domestic abuse and found family VS blood-kin relationships. And you may well know that I am always more interested in the themes and messages conveyed in art/entertainment than the actual content of it. I’m definitely more about the meaning and the learning than the pleasure principle in watching a TV show - so therefore ‘Family’ is an important episode to me. It’s not just because I love the character it’s about,... although that does help. 

Tara is a character that is supposed to remind us of the shy and insecure character Willow used to be in the earlier seasons. However, there is much more reason for Tara to be the way she is in her demeanor than there ever was for Willow. At least in my opinion - Tara is without a doubt the most abused character in all of the show because she’s abused throughout her whole lifetime. This episode shows us that Tara is domestically abused by her blood-kinship and this reveal doesn’t exactly shock us because it’s really evident in the way Tara expresses herself. And she is abused in two different ways:

Emotionally - by her father and cousin that gaslight her to believe she’s an evil demon and use coercive control to exert power over her.

Physically - by her brother who threatens to beat her if she doesn’t do what her father tells her and how she reacts to him in the shaking and the stuttering. 

This girl has clearly been through a lot before ever meeting Willow and we really sympathise with her throughout all her interactions with her relatives (I refuse to use the word ‘family’ in regards to them because they are not) in the episode. The lack of love, support, care, kindness, generosity, understanding, trust, faith and compassion has seriously had a major affect on Tara - as it would with anyone that goes or has gone through domestic abuse or domestic violence as it’s now called and recognized. 

So for Tara... being accepted as and called ‘family’ by the Scooby Gang at the climax of the episode means a great deal. Not just for Willow and Tara’s romantic relationship but for the relationship Tara develops with all of the protagonist characters. They are now her found family and the only people she really knows and interacts with from now on. The dance scene at the end of the episode is my most favourite Willow/Tara moment. I fell in love with them when I first watched this scene. It’s the acceptance and the forgiveness Willow gives in that she understands why Tara tried to hide her prior life from her but explains that it wasn’t necessary because the fact she isn’t anything like her blood-kinship is what makes Willow love Tara more. Because she’s entirely right - anyone that can come from a cruel and violent environment like Tara did and still remain so empathetic and non-judgemental with other people deserve great admiration and respect. It’s not easy to not reflect and project that same behaviour on others. I know that firsthand. And I’ll forever feel extremely guilty for it even though it wasn’t something I could really have conscious control of at the time.

Going forward in the show, Tara’s demeanor completely changes. With the love and support of her found family and her girlfriend, her self-esteem greatly improves very quickly and she becomes a confident, secure, strong and all around beautiful person. So much so that she is able to say ‘No’ to Willow when she starts to spiral with the abusing of magic and the accumulation of power - knowing herself exactly where that can lead to as she’s tried to avoid “becoming evil” her whole life. There is the thought for me that were that the truth - were she actually part demon - I doubt she would have ever been all that evil at all.

[yandere-daydreams]

Title: Progression. 

Pairing: Yandere!Best-Jeanist/Reader.

Commission for the lovely @99shadowcat99.

Word Count: 1.6k.

Synopsis: You’re sure Hakamada only has your best interests in mind. You came to him in a time of need, after all, and as a hero, it’s only natural that he’d want to see you improve. You’re sure he does, you only wish he didn’t have such a cold way of showing it.

TW: Toxic Relationships, Financial Abuse, Emotional Manipulation, Gaslighting, and Slight Stockholm Syndrome.

It probably didn’t help that you’d been at such a low point, when Hakamada first found you.

It was something you couldn’t deny, something you didn’t try to deny, not when it had such a lasting impact on your relationship. He’d pitied you, back then, met you when you were broke and desperate and willing to do just about anything for a recommendation, a place to stay, a steady wage and all the stability he and his agency could provide, if you just managed to worm your way in. You could only be thankful he’d decided to interview you personally, despite his position. You never would’ve gotten the job, otherwise.

You’d never admitted that to him, not out loud, but that was something you liked about Hakamada - he picked up on little details, no matter how subtle. He noticed up on your willingness to work overtime, your erratic apologies whenever he called you into his office, regardless of the reason why. Your chronic lateness, your reliance on the charity of your coworkers whenever the staff went out for after-hour drinks. You’d never told him, but you never needed to. He was more than willing to help you, whether or not you let him know how much you appreciated it. He was a Hero, after all. It only made sense that he'd do whatever he could for someone in need.

The job hadn’t lasted, you weren’t really cut out for it, but Hakamada had.

Some days, you could even convince yourself he’d done it out of love.

Tonight, the task was easier than it usually was. In his penthouse, standing in front of the full-body mirror he’d had brought in and installed just for you, it was easy to fall into the idea that you were the object of his affections, the apple of his eye, someone he cared about and someone he cared about genuinely, especially when you were already dressed in clothes he’d bought, wearing the jewelry he’d been generous enough to pay for. You knew it wasn’t much, for him. Even if everything he gave you was designer, expensive enough to make your heart speed up and your throat go dry, it wouldn’t make a dent in his salary, and he seemed to like providing for you more than you liked being provided for, honestly. But, you couldn’t refuse. Hakamada had done so much for you, he was still doing so much for you. If he wanted someone to spoil, you couldn’t refuse. And, while you were on the topic…

“Are you ready, beautiful?”

You couldn’t let him know you were so reluctant, either.

You hadn’t heard him come in, but that didn’t stop you from leaning into his touch as you felt his hand cup your cheek, its twin coming to rest on your hip. He was gentle, if nothing else, his chest barely touching your back as he leaned forward, eyes scanning over your reflection, searching patiently for something to correct. You didn’t mind, submitting yourself to his scrutiny with minimal resistance. He was a perfectionist. He looked at everyone like a project, and you weren’t an exception.

Still, you tried to sound confident when you answered. Even if that meant lying through your teeth. “I think so,” You said, smoothing over your outfit one last time. “It’s a Hero’s gala, right? It’s not like anyone’s going to bother paying attention to me.”

“If you’re on my arm, they will.” He always sounded so stern. This wasn’t your first event, you’d gone plenty of times as his assistant and as his partner, but Hakamada liked to be thorough. Before, he’d dug the heel of his palm into the base of your spine, pinched your cheek whenever your attention started to drift, and even after his valet had already arrived, he’d still spend the better half of the drive searching for loose threads and stray hairs to aggressively correct. Now, to fix your posture, he was kind enough to stop at squeezing your hip, his free hand nudging gently at your shoulder. It was merciful, in comparison, but it was still difficult not to feel like a prized mutt, locked into a muzzle and dragged onto a pedestal. “Keep your back straight. You remember everything we went over, don’t you?”

Of course. He’d only spent the past three hours drilling it into you. “I do, Hakamada.”

There was a pause, just the slightest bit of hesitation. “Hakamada?”

To your credit, you caught your mistake a second after he did. “I mean, I do, Tsunagu--”

“You’re really going to address me like that in front of journalists?”

Your eyes dropped below the mirror. For whatever reason, you didn’t want to look at him, anymore. “I’m sorry, Tsun’.”

Luckily, that seemed to satisfy him. Hakamada let out a heavy sigh, and you could feel him shaking his head, more out of disappointment than genuine annoyance. The gesture was familiar, as was the anger-tinged guilt that accompanied it, but he still took his time, letting the feeling brew before he bothered to speak. Sometimes, you had to wonder if he did that on purpose, if he knew he was only making you feel worse by trying to act so forgiving. Most of the time, though, you pushed the thought out before you could dwell on it. You’d only be making things worse for yourself, if you started thinking about things like that. “I’m just trying to help,” He started, the mantra already engraved into your mind. “You’ve come so far since I first found you. All that progress shouldn’t go to waste.”

It wasn’t a question. He didn’t need you to agree. It shouldn’t, and as far as Hakamada was concerned, you didn’t get a choice in the matter. “I know. I’ve come too far to backtrack.”

“You’ve come too far to throw it away.” That was something you didn’t like, when you’d worked for him. It was all or nothing, with Hakamada. A mission was either a success or a disaster. His newest sidekick was either a prodigy or a wash-out waiting to happen. Failure wasn’t an option, not when the slightest mistake meant disrepair. “Things have gotten better for you, haven’t they? You’ve enjoyed your time with me?” It was a question, this time, but he didn’t want an answer, even if he paused as gloved fingers trailed over your side, only leaving your skin for a moment before he cupped your jaw, tilting your head back just far enough for the change to be noticeable. Just far enough to force you to look at your reflection, whether or not you wanted to. “It’d be such a shame if all of this had to come to an end just because of a few insignificant, avoidable mistakes.”

Suddenly, your throat went dry, your heart drawing a little too tight in your chest. It'd been happening more than it should, lately, considering how careful Hakamada encouraged you to be with your health. “You’re… This is going to end?”

He always seemed to enjoy it, when you said things like that. Maybe it was your tone, the softened desperation you didn’t try to hide, or maybe he took it as a confession, a sign that you cared for him, or that you cared for what he could provide, at least. You hoped it was the latter. He liked it when you were desperate, and you liked to pretend that he didn’t. “Of course not, dear,” He soothed, his disappointment suddenly gone and replaced with something more assuring, something more sentimental. As sentimental as Hakamada was capable of being, anyway. “I’d sooner lock you up completely than ever let my little muse run off. Besides...” He trailed off, a light chuckle fading into a scoff. “Even if I did lose you, I wouldn’t be able to let you go, not entirely. It wouldn’t be fitting for my partner, past or present, to go back to living in some tiny apartment, struggling to make ends meet. It’d be embarrassing, for both of us, and I don’t know if I’d be able to stand the distance.”

You didn’t say anything, but you didn’t have to. Hakamada was distracted, now, pressing a light kiss into the dip of your shoulder before he pulled away, fiddling with the cuffs of his suit. “We’re already running late. When you’re ready, come find me. I’ll be waiting.”

You didn’t turn around. You heard the door to his bedroom close, his footsteps growing more distant as the seconds ticked by, but you didn’t feel the need to watch him, you didn’t want to see him, his face, how unaffected he was by the doubts that plagued you like some ever-lasting, unshakable waking nightmare. You knew it wasn’t healthy, objectively. You shouldn’t have to wonder if your boyfriend really likes you. You shouldn’t have to practice your smile, lower your voice, contort yourself to fit his standards of perfection, your needs be damned. It wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t even pleasant, but…

He was right. You didn’t go back to the way things used to be. Starving, working yourself to the bone to make rent, letting any Pro-Hero who showed an interest turn you into something soft and toothless and malleable. It was easier to be with Hakamada. It was easier to let him have his way.

It was easier to tell yourself that you’d still be allowed to leave, if you wanted to.

With that in mind, you turned on your heel, starting in the direction he’d gone off in. You would stay. You had to stay.

You wouldn’t know how to be yourself without him, anymore.

[sepublic]

Eda the Beast

           Well, a horrible thought just came into my head- But imagine Eda transforming into an Owl Beast the first few times, the first few years into her curse. And in addition to all of the horrible stuff she must’ve gone through… Imagine her turning into an Owl Beast and getting out into public; Being mistaken for just a regular beast, and having Animal Control called on her! Imagine Animal Control abusing and mistreating Eda not as an actual person but as a creature, throwing her into a cage, locking her up… Imagine Eda reverting back inside a cage, scared and traumatized... Terrified by the other animals, especially if she’s put into the same room as some! And then they get harsh towards her, and Eda retains injuries from her time as an Owl Beast, having no idea what happened or what’s going on with her…

          Imagine Eda having to deal with almost being put down, or captured and sold to some zoo, or Lilith having to rescue her! Imagine Eda recognizing her situation, dimly, and desperately trying to convey that she is a PERSON, not a pet, not a wild animal to be euthanized or experimented on… Imagine some bullies at school, snidely telling Eda that her sleeves should be orange like her hair; Because an animal like her would surely recognize other creatures and be a wonderful Beastkeeper! And any time she does well with beastkeeping magic, this kind of snide remark of, “Of COURSE the Monster Girl knows beasts well!” is made, discouraging Eda and making her feel self-conscious about her skill there, until she just straight-up forgoes beastkeeping magic, with it ruined for her… And don’t consider bullies sneering and suggesting that Eda could be ‘tamed’ with beastkeeping magic, as the animal she really is! Maybe a few bullies from the beastkeeping track try to pull a cruel prank- And of course Eda still wrecks them, but still.

          It’d be so humiliating, dehumanizing, and really reinforce Eda’s insistence on being free and not beholden to anyone, least of all Belos…! Maybe it’d give new background to Eda being King’s friend, because she actually sort of gets and understands that feeling of being treated like a mindless animal to own or do away with, and not as a legitimate person. King wouldn’t know how Eda understands, he wasn’t aware of the curse until rather recently- So then it just leads to him wondering why this random Owl Lady is so considerate, what could she POSSIBLY know about his situation?! Perhaps Eda ends up feeling sympathy for some animals and creatures who are abused, because like it or not, they were right to an extent- Being cursed DID give her some perspective on what it’s like for beasts, and grant some very involuntary and dehumanizing solidarity with them.

          Maybe people compare Eda to the Greater Basilisk or whatever, as a monster pretending to be a witch, rather than a witch who sometimes turns into an Owl Beast… And how Eda might get mistreated; The apprehension and distrust towards Demon Hunters, of being killed and maybe even chopped up and eaten by them… Objectified and treated like some exotic piece of meat, or some rare pet to own?! The idea makes me sick. Especially since we’ve seen basically what I’ve described almost happen in Escape of the Palisman… And then King taking advantage of Eda’s cursed state in that episode could’ve come across as a real betrayal to her. But on the other hand, King still tried to treat her with some respect, and you can argue that he tends to command and boss around actual people too, so the treatment may not be all that different; Still, it was NOT a good thing, but at least King apologized and legit changed his behavior.

          I can see a lot of people who captured Eda realizing their mistake, but then blaming Eda for ‘tricking’ them or whatever! That kind of victim-blaming and gaslighting would really force Eda to affirm her self-confidence, while recognizing her dignity and where she’s been unjustly insulted and hurt, and to step up for herself- Especially after her and Lilith grew more distant, she really had to learn to handle the curse on her own, and probably with Hooty and Owlbert’s help. Thankfully, I can see Hooty being VERY adept at handling Owl Beast Eda… Then again, she DOES attack and disable him in The Intruder; So maybe not.

          Maybe he was just caught by surprise, maybe Owl Beast Eda still attacked Hooty, because he’s just THAT aggravating, y’know? Maybe his voice is really irritating to OBE, so while he has the force to handle Eda, he doesn’t have enough of that sisterly, soothing reassurance that Lilith did. Also, Hooty may have been made a while into Eda’s curse, when she’d already figured out how to handle it with elixirs and not transform as often, whereas Lilith would’ve been alongside her for most of the trial-and-error. Regardless, Hooty is recognized, but he hasn’t done much to earn Owl Beast Eda’s love and affection, either…

           Still- Let’s not imagine Owl Beast Eda having to go through the dehumanizing fear of being hunted at night, shall we? Let’s not think of some crowd or vigilantes trying to track down Owl Beast Eda into the woods, or worse- Some people try to lynch her! Of course Eda as a witch could protect herself and even kill in self-defense, but as an Owl Beast, not so much… A lot of bias and prejudice could lead to people doubting if Eda was acting in self-defense, or if she was just giving in to her ‘primal urges’ as a violent, savage beast. Don’t imagine Eda having to be REALLY mindful of how she acts or fights, until eventually she goes screw it, I’m rightfully defending myself and I’m a recluse criminal anyway… And really, I can see this kind of prejudice contributing to her being a recluse, alas. Possibly to get away from the torment, and also to protect herself- And maybe OTHERS, in Eda’s mind…

          And it just leads to this idea in her head of separating from others to protect them, which culminates in the Season Finale when Eda tells Luz to abandon her to her petrification- Until Luz very much teaches Eda that she helps and heals and doesn’t hurt, by fighting on, while Lilith’s change of heart no doubt means a lot to Eda and impacts her- As does the crowd’s protest for her freedom. I imagine some people in the crowd recognized that there was a divide between Eda and her Owl Beast form- Or at the very least, this wasn’t something she could control and not something she should be killed for, especially if she can handle it with elixirs. A lot of people likely recognized that Owl Beast Eda’s threat to them was being greatly exaggerated, both by local rumors and the Emperor’s Coven. And that teaches Eda that people aren’t scared of her- Or at least, not enough to let her be executed, which means a lot because it shows that others also recognize the worth and rights of others, even if they don’t like that person.

           Did Eda feel self-conscious, about people being afraid of her? And how she handled this in trying to sell things to people; How they eventually realized over the years that despite being a criminal, she hadn’t really hurt anyone who didn’t have it coming? Amidst enjoyment of her wares, Morton appreciating her business… Still, after that brief scene in Grom, I can see some kids regarding Eda with fear as the accursed Owl Beast, and it ends up REALLY getting to her, because the opinions of children tend to feel way more substantial than that of adults. Maybe Eda was a little hurt on the inside when Luz ran away from her in fear, because Eda didn’t immediately recognize that Luz was just a human and everyone in the Boiling Isles is scary to her- So it means a lot when Luz calms down and recognizes Eda as not a monster…

          And even when Eda DOES turn into a monster, Luz still acts to incapacitate Eda, not kill or escape her; And Luz doesn’t even bat an eye at Eda when she wakes up. Obviously she was also focused on her first spell, but still! Her medical encouragement and tips towards Eda show that this is something that Luz has normalized, thanks to her open mind and influence from Camila; So it no doubt helps Eda REALLY feel like a person, and feel like normal in the proper way… Not in that conforming manner, but in the “Yes you deserve to live you are not an abomination nor a freak, you are VALID” manner. I’m just imagining Eda having once worried about looking scary to people, questioning her own appearance… And that leads to her learning to REALLY appreciate how she looks, and love her body, reclaim it on her own terms and not let others define it for Eda!

          Maybe she had a phase where she tried to look more approachable, or changed herself up so people wouldn’t recognize her as the Owl Beast, before Eda just went screw it and fully embraced the Owl Lady aesthetic! Eda wouldn’t let anyone ruin anything for her, so after a period of avoiding beastkeeping magic, for fear that she’s validating and proving the insults that others say- As the feral Owl Lady, she embraces those kinds of spells as well! And I can see her even playing into that fear and apprehension by others, turning it against them- With Eda seeing a bully make a cruel remark about her being an animal or an infectious werewolf, before she bares her teeth and suggests that she really IS; Scaring off her bullies as Eda plays her own messed-up pranks that relate to her status as the Owl Lady.

[depictedblue-moved]

my  thoughts  on  cassie  and  2x04

cassie  is  mad  guilty  at  this  point  to  the  point  where  she  tells  nate  she’s a bad  person  and  they  shouldn’t  be  doing  this.  it’s  obvious  to  me  she’s  breaking  down  out  of  guilt  and  keeping  the  largeness  of  the  secret.  her  scenes  with  nate  in  his  bedroom  only  confirm  that.  first  of  all  this  is  when  she  catches  a  glimpse  of  the  real  nate  and  not  the  fairytale  happy  ever  bullshit  he’s  put  in  her  head  /  she  put  in  her  own  head.  like  i  said  before  she  will  romanticize  relationships  to  stay  in  them  and  she  doesn’t  like  to  be  alone.  and  she  is  also  looking  for  her  father’s  love,  it’s  crazy  to  be  how  this  affair  mirrors  her  own  relationship  with  her  father  before  he  left  her  and  the  family. the  part  of  this  scene  i  enjoyed  was  cassie  standing  up  to  nate  and  having  a  backbone,  it  made  sense  to  me  because  of  the  fact  how  he  started  this  whole  thing.  he  was  gaslighting  her  but  also  telling  her  the  truth  and  cassie  gave  it  right  back  to  him  in  full  form  and  he  deserved  that. i  think  she  needed  to  have  this  or  see  this  part  of  nate  to  really  see  who  he  was.  obviously  it’s  a  red  flag  cut  to  cassie  giving  maddy  the  scrapbook  and  how  sad  she  looks  knowing  the  weight  of  what  she  is  doing  with  nate  behind  her  back.  she  knows  she’s  already  burned  that  bridge  and  it  hurts  more  than  anything. i  think  at  this  point  cassie  just  wants  the  secret  to  be  out  there.  she  really  just  wants  to  be  with  nate  and  not  have  to  worry  about  how  they  started.  sydney  even  said  cassie  will  burn  all  bridges  for  a  taste  of  love  and  it’s  obvious  now  that  nate  has  told  cassie  he  loved  her  offscreen  and  then  in  their  fight  that  she  thinks  he  loves  her. which  makes  it  worth  it  like  i  said  she  would  do  anything  for  love  and  even  then  him  saying  that  when  she’s  acting  at  her  worst  is  enough  to  make  her  confident  that  they  have  to  be  together. like  i  don’t  think  she’s  doing  this  for  maddy’s  benefit  at  all,  she’s  selfish,  she’s  jealous  and  she  wants  nate  all  to  herself  -  she  can’t  stomach  the  fact  that  nate  and  maddy  might  get  back  together  now  when  she  loves  him  this  much. so  she  uses  that  as  an  excuse  to  verify  the  reason  to  continue  on  with  the  affair  while  also  still  feeling  very  guilty  over  the  fact  that  they  are  doing  this  to  her  best  friend. moving  onto  to  cassie  and  lexi  when  she  gets  back  home  and  lexi  is  trying  to  be  a  concerning  little  sister  and  cassie  is  just  like  no.  i  don’t  think  it’s  easy  for  cassie  to  accept  help,  i  don’t  think  she  wants  to  admit  she’s  having  a  problem,  especially  mental  issues  which  she  is  clearly  spiraling  and  so  she  blames  lexi,  tells  her  that  she  feels  like  she’s  MAKING  HER  CRAZY  when  in  reality  this  is  all  cassie’s  doing  but  she  has  to  find  someone  else  to  blame  for  her  guilt.  and  it’s  also  the  fact that  she  feels  judged  and  maybe  that  is  true  but  cassie  also  isolates  and  so  that  is  probably  a  lot  of  her  paranoia  of  being  judged  because  at  this  point  she’s  avoiding  everyone (  including  maddy  )  to  continue  on  with  nate  and  being  his  secret  which  i  think  is  also  giving  her  life  purpose  again  but  also  destroying  her  from  the  inside  out. now  i  will  talk  about  cassie  at  the  party,  what’s  interesting  to  me  is  the  fact  that  she’s  taken  up  alcohol  to  deal  with  her  problems  just  like  her  mom,  it’s  a  coping  mechanism  at  this  point,  she’s  drinking  hardcore,  she’s  making  a  fool  out  of  herself,  she’s  dancing  alone.   i  really  liked  the  song  they  used  in  this  scene  because  it’s  like  -    Somebody cut out your heart You refuse to feel And you live in a shell You create your own hell

these  lyrics  are  very  telling  of  cassie’s  arc  this  season  at  least  to  me,  she’s  self  isolated  (  live  in  a  shell  )  and  in  turn  that  is  making  her  feel  crazy  of  course  these  are  all  self  inflicted  problems  too  and  she  is  still  young  and  well,  young  people  never  have  it  easy,  think  about  when  you  were  in  high  school- 

i  also  want  to  talk  about  cassie’s  deflecting  /  self  destructive  behavior  in  this  little  space.  because  it’s  obvious  she  has  a  lot  of  self  destructive  behavior  all  guided  by  the  possibility  of  being  loved.  i  won’t  deny  that  a  lot  of  it  is  manipulative  gaslighting  and  mental  abuse  caused  from  nate  because  he  knows  what  he  is  doing  to  her.  but  it’s  interesting  to  me  how  cassie  seems  to  deflect  a  lot  when  someone  asks  her  if  something  is  wrong.  suze  is  a  good  example  of  this  because  she’s  very  flippant  with  her  mother  and  says  ‘  i’m  fine,  do  i  not  look  fine?  ‘  i  think  at  this  point  cassie  is  just  exhausted  living  this  double  life  that  she  is  not  taking  care  of  herself  and  she’s  become  obsessed.  

also  talking  about  cassie  and  nate  and  the  bikini,  my  assumption  is  like  cassie  knows  nate  at  this  point  and  she  knows  like  how  to  get  his  attention  but  also  she  knows  what  maddy  has  done  to  get  his  attention  and  the  way  she  steps  off  that  ledge  in  such  false  confidence  and  looks  over  at  him  is  enough  to  be  like  ‘  hey,  i’m  playing  your  games  ‘  and  it’s  almost  like  a  last  attempt  effort  to  gain  his  affections  again.  thought  it’s  desperate  and  extra  too.

okay  now  moving  onto  the  hot  tub  scene  because  there  is  a  lot  to  unpack  there  so  cassie  comes  out  finally  and  joins  the  rest  of  the  people  and  she’s  kind  of  just  chilling  i guess  but  it’s  when  she  asks  nate  “  you’re  not  getting  back  together “  and  he  says  no, and  then  all  that  stuff  starts  with  maddy  and  nate  and  it’s  like  whoa.  but  at  the  same  time,  when  cassie  is  hearing  these  words  it’s  like  she’s  hearing  them  for  the  first  time  and  it  probably  makes  her  sick  because  nate  probably  told  her  the  same  things.  because  his  eyes  are  VERY  shifty  and  he  looks  almost  guilty  in  that  scene? besides  that  it’s  enough  for  cassie  to  projectile  vomit  everywhere  and  then  proceed  to  drunkenly  tell  maddy  she’s  ruined  everything  by  sleeping  with  nate.  and  i  think  that  is  when  she  the  consequences  of  her  actions  begin  to  set  in  and  she  begins  to  realize  that  things  aren’t  ever  going  to  go  back  to  the  way  they  were  once  this  is  out. her  going  upstairs  and  still  reaching  for  nate  only  confirms  that  she  believes  they  still  belong  together  and  maybe  part  of  that  is  because  she  feels  like  she’s  a  horrible  person  who  won’t  get  anyone  to  love  her  after  all  the  mistakes  she’s  made.  i  think  that  was  also  a  very  big  dissociate  moment  for  her  to  hold  onto  the  mess  she  made. the  ending  scene  with  the  flowers  and  her  looking  in  the  mirror  was  so  tragically  beautiful,  i  think  cassie  is  going  to  have  a  very  rough  time  this  season  but  also  she  seems  to  be  spiraling  deeper  and  losing  her  mind  which  i  think  is  very  midsommar  vibes  the  flowers  represent  her  descent  into  madness  and  even  though  she  is  crying  silently  i  think  she  is  accepting  this  new  sense  of  regression  and  we  will  have  to  see  what  is  going  to  happen  to  my  daughter. 

[red-elric]

furuba but it’s kimi instead of tohru :))

- so those of you who have read my one furuba fic (hey read my furuba fic) know that i kinda have some hcs for kimi’s family life? summarized: bio mom left when she was a kid bc her dad was cheating; she has a step mom, dad still cheats and the step mom knows about it but is okay with it as long as the dad tells her she’s his favorite; step mom and kimi have this passive aggressive relationship where they’re both trying to prove they’re the dad’s favorite, meanwhile dad’s a gaslighting piece of crap. anyway in this au, step mom and kimi get into a fight and step mom tries to kick her out, which only works bc kimi got fed up and decided to leave anyway (dad wasn’t around at the time, or he would’ve tried to calm things down prolly). kimi stubbornly ends up living in a tent bc she’s way too proud to ask anyone for help (and she doesn’t have many friends), shigure and yuki find her, etc etc etc

- tohru DOES exist, but her grandfather’s health issues aren’t as severe, so she stays living with him in ignorance of the sohma family curse. the whole drama w kyo and kyoko and everything still happened with her, and the kyoru is like kind of a side story happening in the background (with some shenanigans about whether or not tohru found out about the curse somehow maybe) but it’s KIMI TIME in this au

- i feel like it’s really important to mention that kimi’s first instinct, when shigure yuki and kyo turned into animals in front of her for the first time, was to whip out her phone and vague tweet ‘sohma yuki is a RAT!!!!’ she gets sworn to secrecy by the sohmas right after, but the talk of the school the next day is ‘what the hell did the prince do to get called out by kimi???’ she gets ‘harassed’ by the prince yuki club about ‘besmirching the prince’s good name,’ which obviously turns into kimi harassing the prince yuki club right back (i imagine she plays the whole thing off as a ‘lovers’ momentary spat,’ from which they ‘worked out and made up very quickly and enthusiastically o3-’)

- kimi still isn’t in yuki and kyo’s class! she’s also much, MUCH more difficult for either of them to deal with, and weirdly, yuki and kyo sort of.... end up spending a lot more time together than they do in canon? they kind of come to a truce of ‘kimi and shigure are way too difficult to deal with,’ at least at home, and they don’t have a tohru buffer to lean on this time. kimi has like. next to no interest in yuki or kyo, so honestly their relationships dont develop that much. HOWEVER, when she meets kagura and the prince yuki club (and any time she interacts with them), she tends to hang ALL OVER kyo or yuki with the specific intent of pissing off the girls, because she really likes to start shit like that

- kimi’s a business oriented girl. she wants SHIGURE to be her SUGAR DADDY. shigure joked along with her flirting at first, but quickly realized that she might actually be serious, so now he’s kind of afraid of her??? in that, he avoids being caught alone in a room with her and will occasionally beg kyo or yuki to help him (they never do--shigure deserves the harassment).

- kyo and yuki don’t have a big three dynamic with kimi the way they do in canon with tohru. you know who are the other two to kimi’s big three??? MOMIJI AND HARU. momiji is DELIGHTED by kimi, and the two of them co-conspire often in all sorts of things. they plan family trips, prank other sohmas, and gossip like NOBODIES business. kimi and haru, on the other hand, both have a certain ‘unstoppable chaotic force’ energy, and they get along quite well too. the three of them being so close helps a lot with filling in the gaps where kimi doesn’t quite fit the shoes of being a kind, loving heroine like tohru; kimi has the force of personality to point out when the sohmas and their family situations are being ridiculous, and momiji and haru are kind and loving enough to provide comfort and support to a lot of the family.

- yuki at whatever point in the story: i think... i should accept the offer to be the student council president. it’d be good for my character development and self confidence and whatever. / kimi from the next room over: YUN! omg we can spend so much more time together now! takei asked me to join the student council as a secretary JUST this morning :))

- kimi and kakeru are friends at the beginning of the story! kimi has a crush on him and he’s a) oblivious and a dick about it and b) gay (my au my rules it’s fuckin endgame yukeru in this bitch. komaki is his beard and she’s fully aware of that lahfkdsjflkdshfksdjflkds). kimi HATES that she has a crush on this wimpy eboy and and it’s a point of tension between them :)) especially once yukeru endgame starts being more and more obvious

- at the beginning of the story, kimi...... doesnt take momiji seriously as a potential romantic partner. big big part of her arc is recognizing that the tall, traditionally attractive boys arent always the best romantic options, though, and she does eventually start to fall for him :)) and THEN he grows like eight inches in a month and she starts calling him an investment lahfkdsjfksdhjfdshfksjlkfsjl

- the beach akito/kimi/momiji confrontation is CHARGED because MOMIJI is there and he’s in DANGER and kimi gets fuckin PISSED because that’s HER friend, her boy, her ONE. akito talks shit and kimi talks fuckin shit back and they get in a full on catfight. they’re screaming at each other, clawing at each other. kureno has to physically pull akito away; kimi only doesnt chase after them because momiji is hurt. this is a major moment in kimi’s slow realization of her feelings for momiji :))

- kimi and rin, once rin makes up with haru and is able to relax a little, become a seething, curse fighting TEAM. on the other hand..... the argument of ‘the curse WILL break, eventually’ ends up working on kimi, even though she feels strange about it. she cares about kyo, to an extent, but it’s a lot easier for her to give up on him than it was for tohru in canon, for obvious reasons.

- when his curse breaks, momiji has someone to tell :,))

- tohru visits shigure’s house one morning to tell kyo about her feelings. akito stabs kureno, runs to shigure’s house, and has a conversation with tohru (who she has never met before lahfdlsfjdskfjdfksl) screaming about ‘oh are you some bitch here to confess to kyo?? guess fuckin WHAT he belongs to me, to us, he’s getting locked up in the spring, fuck you’ but uhh tohru has had a lot of offscreen development and whatnot and she ends up getting thru to akki. and then she falls off a fuckin cliff lhfkdsjfkdsjflksjfdlks you know how the story goes. anyway kimi had spent the night at momiji’s house and comes back to the WEIRDEST mood layfldskdsjfieuwfjkdskhggkdasjflkdsjlkjflkds

- oh and for good measure: uo goes to college instead of following kureno, akki and shigure get couple therapy. yukeru are gay, momiji and kimi live happily ever after. the end :))

[violetsystems]

#personal

I deposited my first check for my business yesterday at the bank.  I had to go to the teller because it’s an entirely different account.  They repeated the name back to me off the check and asked me if I wanted a balance.  If you look at my life from the right perspective everything seems amazing.  Truthfully, they say the American dream is owning your own business.  They say a lot of dumb shit about America.  Now more than ever.  Which is why it’s nice sometimes to stick around in a neighborhood and let people battle it out in terms of what they think of you.  It’s been about ten months of insane isolation.  I spend most of my time at home alone with my cat.  I talk to my parents every so often but nobody really else intimately.  Other than here.  I live in a city so it’s impossible to be alone once you leave the house.  I sometimes think that’s a hard balance to maintain.  It gets easier over time the less I worry about the outside world.  I know it’s hard to when you live on a planet in the middle of a dense, dark universe.  But these days I pay more attention to space in the news more than anything.  I just bought a few things for my business to experiment with.  A mini drone to learn Python with.  I flew it out on the porch for a few seconds until my neighbor poked their head out.  Everybody out here is always in everybody else’s business.  It’s almost a reflex.  Oddly enough when I fly it indoors my cat just rolls her eyes at it.  I’ve been continuing to apply for jobs and maintain a presence on the job sites.  But everything whiffs in such a weird way.  It’s like I’m invisible until I’m out on the street.  Then it’s everyone wasting my time and energy trying to project some secret messages or agenda.  It’s laughable at this point.  You’d think after years of fucking with somebody on a guerilla level you’d bother to at least acknowledge them with more than a glare.  And yet people can’t be bothered to be kind or understanding.  There’s not enough of it in the world.  So when you walk that path, everyone has their hand out.  Everybody expects it’s a given that we’re all in this together.  When it comes to my physical address behind closed doors most assuredly this is not true.  But considering my business address and my residence are one and the same right now, it’s not too hard to know I’m painted in a corner.  I don’t have friends that even check on me to see how I’m doing other than here.  Everybody in this city is too caught up in a lie or afraid of being exposed.  I can confirm this by simple math.  The people I still keep up with are business transactions at best.  There’s an icy veil between that where you get this feeling you aren’t welcome into any real social circle anymore.  This feels even worse applying for jobs in this city.  I just got out of a twenty year employment opportunity where you get to work with your friends.  Only to find ten months after being let go, none of those people were my friends.  I personally at this point care more about making money than friends.  The teller is friendly enough when they stare at my account from behind the screen.  It’s a nightmare to think over two years ago my life was quite the opposite despite having it all.  Dream jobs are in the past now.  Everybody’s godson is their own personal cybersecurity officer.  The nerds got rid of their IT managers and are locked in their bedrooms on zoom with their cameras off.  I’m more excited about drones on Mars and autonomous delivery.  And I still see no future for me here, there or everywhere.

The biggest lesson for me has been about validation.  There is a point when what you want to do isn’t the clearest road.  I’ve had my share of friends doubt who I wanted to be or become.  I’ve cautiously shared things about my life I couldn’t put into words only to have my concerns gaslighted or dwarfed for the main narrative.  People who lie are really good at one thing.  Continuing to lie.  When I catch people in lies, it makes me angry.  Mostly because the one thing I’ve always tried to do was be transparent, accountable and real.  The way I see America when I walk out my door is severely broken.  A thousand fractured narratives clashing together in selfishness.  I try to keep the peace and bridge things together as best I can.  But I’m no politician.  I’m not even an activist.  I’ve been duct taping my life together for almost a year only to realize everybody else’s is far worse off.  Social distancing through the plague has brought me to extremes.  It helped me distance myself from years of my life I’d been caught up in.  And yet now I find myself caught up in a city rather than a suburban area I crawled out from years ago.  College is so far away.  I actually took masters level courses in Psychology.  I wanted to go into artificial intelligence.  I settled for data analytics and human resources.  Never really did much with that degree other than learn how to spot crazy.  I don’t have any student loans to trade for leverage with an employer.  Everybody follows me around and talks behind my back to the point where I wonder if employers have a red flag tabbed on my LinkedIn profile.  The shit I have seen done with my life is so fucking amateur that people would rather erase me than confront the problem.  And therein lies the lesson.  You have to validate yourself.  Believing in yourself and walking away from the table is a tough thing when everyone negs you to think less.  But there’s a point when my Viking roots throw caution to the wind and I tell the world I’m done.  I’m sure my Gyspy roots concur.  Not sure about the Bohemian side.  I think here is the hidden key to Nationalism.  Everybody falls back on their shallow gene pool for comfort to ease the cognitive dissonance of society being a chaotic fuck show.  Primitive thinking that can’t evolve beyond pattern recognition.  The things I’m supposed to be proud of are very finite to me.  They don’t span generations or even decades.  The last ten months has been the most bleak and soul churning I have ever experienced.  And I experienced it quietly with my family and my real friends in a weird sort of intimacy.  And even my parents don’t really know what goes on with me too deeply.  There’s a point when you have to be your own person.  And some people can’t break free and stand on their own too without fear or pain.  So they’d rather fall back into a crowd.  Where they can stop being judged, negated or feel unsure about where they stand.  That is a crutch.  Sometimes the world is so hurt you need something to stand on.  And sometimes the bones heal you back all gnarled and distorted.  You look inward and all you feel is hate.  And that hate isn’t you.  It’s not a good thing to be angry all the time.  And yet I feel it too.  More so these days when I let myself get angry over things and people outside my control.  The people outside my door don’t ever validate me in a way that’s dignified or respectful.  And that says a lot about the world in general versus how I choose to live.  The real lesson I’ve learned is that this is the way it is.  If you want to change it, you must start with yourself.  And there’s some things you can’t change.  The hell of other people trying to intrude and muscle in on your place on this planet.  

It’s hard to love yourself when everyone else is judging your every move.  It makes you think there is something wrong with you.  And the world is always looking for something to point it’s finger on.  We’re all being judged.  We’re all under duress.  We are all paranoid looking over our shoulder.  I should know because I catch someone with a knowing look out my periphery every ten or fifteen seconds.  That’s a lot to subconsciously prepare for every day I want to live my life.  And yet I know there are people who are simply continuing to live through a lie.  To be further manipulated away from controlling themselves.  The reactionary bullshit in America serves a dual purpose.  Thinning out the herd.  We are so caught up in headlines we never read the fine print.  We are enraged, huddled together through protest and then led further down the rabbit hole with no end in sight.  We complain about government but can’t name a single piece of legislation other than guns that have saved our freedom.  I’ll name one for you.  The CARES act.  We know everything about everyone every second of the day but have never even asked anyone’s name.  And you can seek out that whirl wind circle jerk of group hugs and prayer circles all you want.  People are still just going through the motions.  Saying the right things to avoid confrontation even if it means blatantly warping the truth.  Ask anybody I used to work with.  I would ask them for you but they pretend I’m fucking dead.  And this was how it was supposed to feel I gather.  I was to be taught a lesson.  Freedom isn’t free.  It did teach me a lot about life.  Mostly that I’m not really sensitive to anything other than my own ethics.  There’s things I don’t do.  And these things are observed and never clarified.  I live in a silent void of rumor, legacy and shadow.  I’m living that life you people brag about in public.  Whatever that life is I’m not even quite sure.  I’m terribly alone in all of this and not at the same time.  And it requires me to have confidence enough to simply and effortless believe I’m worth it.  Like some vicious game of poker.  I’m all in at my own kitchen table.  I have no dreams left other than to be free.  And maybe to learn Premiere editing 4k drone videos in my spare time.  I don’t really fucking know anymore what to do other than to continue to not humor anyone’s dumb ass bullshit.  And to be real, this entire experience has taught me firsthand how worthless and fucked up my past is here in America.  Everybody wants some shame to hold over you so you stay a bargain.  Everybody wants to roast you and take your shine so they can look mediocre next to you at best.  Everybody wants to bring everyone down to their level regardless if it’s legal, civil or ethical.  And yet when you do the same, you understand what the problem is.  I’ve walked the walk for years and everybody can’t stop talking their shit.  Now people have run out of bad things to say.  So they either pretend I’m a ghost or speak like I’m some urban legend.  And thinking too much into that can drive an intelligent person insane.  Which is why knowing what I know I stay out of everything completely.  Even when I don’t you can see how much it drags me down to humor it all like a good sport.  These people out here do not play fair.  They never have.  And the only winning move is not to play.  I learned that from Wargames years ago.  Everybody wants to be a hacker now.  If you learn one thing from Hackers the movie.  The M1 is here to stay.  And never try to hack a gibson.  That’s the only ICE you have to fear when it comes to crossing my path.  Flatline your shit and leave you staring at the ground awkwardly with your well meaning intrusive bullshit.  End of line.  <3 Tim

[blackroseraven]

I'm relieved, and happy.

The terrible thing is that an election shouldn't make someone "relieved" or "happy." It should be boring, just the gears of democracy grinding forward, a replacement of one figurehead for another. Maybe one that will guide the nation using different methods and ideals, sure, but the agenda should always be the same: the betterment of the nation. There shouldn't be celebrating and dancing in the street, and we shouldn't feel the relief so many of us clearly are. Any more than people should feel a sense of doom or defeat; we should be Americans, together, and democracy should be a monotonous ritual where we can all feel confident that at the end of the day, no matter how much we might disagree with the next person in charge, they're still going to do their best.

Trump wasn't that. Trump played golf and visited his own properties over 500 times. Trump never had a functioning cabinet, any more than he was ever a successful businessman. We know that Trump's taxes are... not good, even if it's hard, actually, to pin down why: tax and tax law are very complex, but the obvious patterning shows a laziness, almost an arrogance that would draw the attention of any accountant.

Trump had a nation put children in cages. I don't care "who built the cages" or "who was behind the original law" or anything like that: I don't care about talk, but about actions, and this is what ICE did. I care that over 500 children cannot be reunited with their parents after being separated from them at the border. Trump created tariffs that hurt America and his behavior has been antithetical to global peace and prosperity.

Was he a racist as well as an incompetant buffoon? Probably. But that doesn't matter: we know for a fact that white nationalist groups supported him, from the KKK to neonazi movements, and that he had his own personal cult, QAnon, even though he was never cunning enough to wield the power of Q himself, always just a figurehead of the conspiracy. What matters to Trump is Trump, and Trump alone: I don't think it matters how racist, how cruel, or how he feels about things. As Mary Trump attests in her book, he is like a toddler: he only cares about things that care about and benefit Trump.

But the worst part was his incompetence. The worst part, and the entire reason he failed as an autocrat: he is a bumbler, who can only gain the help of fellow bumblers, and who is easily manipulated by anyone who makes it into his orbit if they have the necessary selfishness and cunning. Look at Parscale, who is now writing a tell-all book, after having done pathetic little work to help Trump's sinking ship of a campaign.

And yet people will tell you he is Alpha, even though he's a fat man who eats nothing but McDonald's in spite of being in the highest office in the land, and had to pay to have sex with a porn star shortly after the birth of his youngest son. That he's a genius, in spite of the fact he has trouble stringing a coherent sentence together and repeats the same lie over and over again. That he is a Lion, even though he fires by tweet and has his underlings face the world for him, while he runs off to golf or hides like a coward. That he only speaks the Truth, even though no Covid vaccine has materialized despite his promises, we STILL don't have a healthcare plan but at most, vagaries, and of course his blameshifting with regards to the pandemic when he is President and should have been showing, oh, I don't know, leadership?

Could I even maintain my friendship with someone who supported Trump? I don't honestly know. I say that as someone who doesn't like to go to extremes, but Trump impacted me and people like me so much, and so many of his supporters took such joy in it, I would spend a long time musing on it. People go "oh well gosh you can't judge ME by what OTHER PEOPLE did," but these are often the same people who refer to the "liberal elite" as one monolithic structure. Because people love to generalize, but hate being generalized. And how much do you really care about "me" beyond what you perceive of me as, if I have these very real concerns about hardening of rules around immigrants and immigration, about the lawlessness and overzealousness of ICE, about how "my kind" are treated, and the response is always "well, but..." or "I'm sure you're exaggerating."

People have made Trump into this persona that doesn't exist. I'm sorry, but the Emperor is just a fat orange man, addled in all the ways that his sycophants have accused Biden of being... or have you not noticed how often the very people accusing various Trumpian enemies are themselves guilty of the exact crimes they're describing? We aren't in the era of gaslighting: this is the era of projection, where we avoid guilt by blaming other people for our sins.

Take the election, for example, and how PA legislature purposefully delayed ballot counting as part of a known plan, a “campaign strategy” by Trump to undermine the election. And I’m disgusted with the people complaining about “mail-in” ballots being used when Trump himself was doing nothing but discouraging them, essentially handicapping himself. Furthermore, how do you think military people overseas vote? By magic? Or do our soldiers no longer matter when they’re no longer useful to your cause and your ideology?

Don’t answer. We all know the truth. The screaming red hats showed us that, just as they showed us how people want to be ruled over, and the real people living in a bubble aren’t the “liberal coastal elite” but the now-minority that’s desperate to keep itself in power in a country that is trying to adapt, change, and evolve as the world does so.

Biden is far from perfect and not at all my ideal candidate, but at least he’s a decent human being, who stays off twitter. And I look forwards to having rational ideological disagreements rather than living in fear and disgust. I look forwards to being able to speak my mind again, even if it will be a long time before I feel again like I am actually welcome in this country, if I ever was at all; like I’m not an outsider to this nation, and that if many of these vile people had their way, I would be removed, no matter what good I’ve done, or how much of my blood and sweat has been spent working alongside them.

If Trump is your idea of a "strong man," then you need to reflect on where you are in your life, honestly, and how happy you are with it, and how you got there. And I pray you find your answers and your peace. And if this "offends you..." what was that popular MAGA motto?

Ah, yes.

Fuck your feelings, snowflake. Facts don't care about your feelings.

[wanna-b-poet31]

Gabriel’s Gaslighting

One of the most concerning things (to me at least) about Gabriel is how sickeningly effective his abuse is. The most prevalent, and insidious tool in his abusive toolbox is gaslighting. 

So that everyone’s on the same page, the National Domestic Violence Hotline says gaslighting:

“may seem like just a harmless misunderstanding at first. Over time, however, these abusive behaviors continue, and a victim can become confused, anxious, isolated and depressed while losing all sense of what is actually happening. Then, the victim may start relying on the abusive partner more and more to define reality, which creates a very difficult situation to escape”

In VERRRRRY broad terms, it means that the abuser is trying to reshape the perception of their victim’s reality. This can be done a variety of ways: 

Trivializing: Making a victim’s feelings feel insignificant 

Withholding: Pretending not to understand why a victim is worried/concerned and refusing to listen for a better understanding. 

Countering: Purposefully questioning the victim’s memory when they know the victim is telling the truth/correctly recalling events

Blocking/Diverting: Changing topics to make the victim question their experiences/feelings/thoughts

Forgetting/Denial: or pretending to have forgotten what actually occurred or denying things, like promises or appointment they made to the victim 

And, the main way Gabriel wields his verbal weapon is through trivializing Aziraphale’s worries/needs/feelings so that they seem unimportant. Through gaslighting, Gabriel can control his perception of reality and consequently control his actions. And let me tell you there is a fuckton of overt and covert gaslighting happening throughout the show. 

Gaslighting Aziraphale’s Love of Food

Aziraphale is, at heart, a lover of food. He finds genuine joy and pleasure from eating, and in many ways, it’s an intimate part of who Aziraphale IS. Crowley takes note of this, and on more than one occasion has gone out of his way to get food, even if we (the audience) have no evidence that he ate food himself.  Although, Book!Crowley explicitly eats with Aziraphale, purposefully ordering desserts to share.  It’s tender, sweet, and clearly shows the mutual respect the two shares. 

We can see in Aziraphale’s second scene just how much Aziraphale loves food.

Look at the calm smile, look at the relaxed features. This is an entity who unabashedly happy about his sushi. 

But, we see a sudden emotional shift when a Wild Gabriel appears! Notice how the smile is long gone, and his glance at the food is hesitant.  

Gabriel then asks: “Why do you consume that? You’re an angel” with palatable judgment. Harmless right?

Although the question could be seen as simple “interest”, Aziraphale instantly starts making excuses, hiding an integral part of who he is from someone who is supposed to support him and love him unconditionally. More, Gabriel later insists that eating is “sullying the temple of [one’s] body” and is purposefully condemning Aziraphale’s actions.  

By bringing attention to the “you’re an angel” Gabriel is drawing a line in the sand, defining what it means to be an Angel, and creating a world where Angels, at least good angels, don’t eat, lest they “desecrate” their holiness.  You can see Aziraphale’s face IMMEDIATELY fall. 

We, the audience, can see this is untrue. There’s no reason to believe food is harmful to supernatural entities, and more importantly, it brings so much unbridled JOY to Aziraphale. So why point it out? Why deliberately trivialize our favorite Angel’s feelings like that?

Control. 

All traces of joy from the first GIF are gone. Instead, he responds in genuine confusion, and he looks like Gabriel thinks him crazy.  He is pleading with his eyes as if to ask Gabriel not to hurt him for indulging in his loves. 

By pointing out Aziraphale’s choice to eat, >not to mention enjoying eating< Gabriel’s putting the power in his own hands. He is twisting Aziraphal’s perception of reality so that he is the ultimate authority on what the principality should/not do. 

This does not mean Aziraphale stops eating (we see him dining at the Ritz with Crowley hardly a day later), but it means that he’s made to feel guilty for his passions, making excuses to avoid further belittlement.  He notably hides his love of food from all other celestial beings (besides Crowley). 

Speaking of, contrast Crowley’s treatment of Aziraphale’s love of food with Gabriel’s. He actively invites Aziraphale to get lunch, even if he is not particularly passionate about it, because of Aziraphale’s love of food, not despite it.  

Gaslighting Aziraphale’s Books

In my meta on Crowley and the Bookshop, I talk about how Crowley is the only character in the whole damn series to care about any of Aziraphale’s interests. However, the scene alluded to in the gif above shows us that, in 6000 years, Gabriel has either never seen a book before in his life -- which is unlikely given the reports they have to send and the fact that (in a deleted scene) he’s visited the bookshop previously -- or he doesn’t care enough to learn about what Aziraphale is doing.  

>Like he actually manhandles Aziraphale’s books. That’s got to be as violating as being intimidating and pinned to the wall of his bookshop<

Like, I know the scene is meant to be comedic, Sandalphon helpfully providing “pornography” as the kind of scandalous reading material that would allow them privacy, and Gabriel just kind of rolls with it as Aziraphale looks (rightly) confused and put out. It is exactly because of Aziraphale’s discomfort that this scene troubles me. 

Look at the gif below, sure, he’s “smiling” but look at how it doesn’t reach his eyes in the same way sushi does. He has some uneven breathing and a tense posture that SCREAMSSS anxiety. More, if you go back to watch the scene, the concerning way the smile immediately falls the second Gabriel’s attention is off of him.

Although Aziraphale’s reaction is certainly due in part to the surprise appearance of Gabriel, Aziraphale’s face betrays clear discomfort that extends beyond his fears about his feelings for Crowley being exposed.

Gabriel's implicit dismissal and mistreatment of his books reinforce the idea that in this world, Angels don’t think books matter. But by extension, then neither does Aziraphale.

This distortion of reality is one solely of Gabriel (and perhaps Heaven)’s own creation.  Dismissing the book’s value is particularly harmful because the bookshop is such a large part of Aziraphale’s life. It is perhaps one of his most beloved possessions which he independently spent a prolonged amount of time (at least 200 years) protecting and curating his book collection. 

Crowley picks up on the sheer intensity with which Aziraphale loves his books and has an emotional and physical breakdown, presuming the only way for Aziraphale’s books to be on fire, the Angel must be dead. 

 Gabriel doesn’t care. 

The consequence is not a diminished love of the bookshop, but rather, a fear of expressing interest around the people he’s “supposed” to care about and are supposed to care about him. He starts lying to avoid the put-downs and reality twists. This interaction shows that Gabriel’s presence makes Aziraphale a less confident, less relaxed entity. 

Gaslighting the War

Okay, so Aziraphale lies ALOT, but we know for a fact that he’s told Gabriel his intentions to try stopping the war. 

The archangel knows the general gist of Aziraphale’s plan to “prevent” the war. Aziraphale has made his intentions excruciatingly clear. However, besides blatantly lying to him about Heaven’s position on saving the world, he trivializes the very real concerns Aziraphale poses. It’s not just that he thinks Aziraphale can’t stop the war, it’s that Gabriel deliberately misleads him, allowing him to believe that if Aziraphale successfully climbed his mountain, he would be accepted by Heaven. (He’s not)

Then, in the above GIF, he dismisses Aziraphale’s transparent, clear plea for help.

CONTEXT: This is how Episode 4 opens. Aziraphale has found the Anti-Christ, met and rejected Crowley’s offer to fly off to Alpha Centauri at the Bandstand, told the love of his life his best friend that he doesn’t even like him and is in full out freak mode. Then, apropos of nothing “runs” into Gabriel and is in dire need of support to stop the end of the world. He NEEDS a lifeline, now that he thinks Crowley is fleeing Earth, never to see him again.

He firmly asserts that humanity is worth saving and that they COULD do it, (they’re Heavenly after all), but Gabriel does not give a single flying fuck about Aziraphale's feelings. 

Instead of answering Aziraphale’s prayers, Gabriel reinforces his own interests (see: the never-ending war) and changes the conversation to focus Aziraphale’s “gut”. The glance in the below GIF is unnervingly condescending.

Look at how “disappointed” Gabriel appears glancing up to meet Aziraphale’s eyes before pointedly looking to Aziraphale’s belly. It is if, with his eyes, Gabriel is insinuating Aziraphale’s appearance is a personal failing and a somehow more important problem than stopping the end of the world. 

The pivot from Aziraphale plea “we need to stop the end of the world” to “you’ need to lose the gut” is classic “Diverting” from the situation. It deflects from his own manipulative behavior and leaves Aziraphale to constantly second-guess himself. It puts the power squarely in Gabriel’s hands because the topic is no longer rooted in Aziraphale’s valid concerns or feelings. 

Gabriel leaves the scene, with a more distraught (which, really how was that even possible) Aziraphale than the one he ran into. And, we hear Azirgaphale say he’s soft, in a hopeless, joyless voice that’s full of self-doubt.  It’s a heartbreaking moment because of how powerless Gabriel (and Heaven for that matter) has made him feel, and how lost without Crowley as his lifeline he is. 

However, Gabriel’s gaslighting comes to a head once Aziraphale is pushed passed his breaking point. 

Aziraphale Want(s) To Break Free 

After the altercation in the park, Aziraphale: 

is “dumped” (again),  

is attacked by angels, (presumably sent by Gabriel?)

is discorporated,

is verbally yelled, berated, and belittled for being a “bad angel”

realizes anything demons can do, he can do better

possesses 1-3 people

reunites with Crowley

“helps” save the world

Needless to say, he’s been through some shit. 

However, he doesn’t encounter Gabriel until after the armageddon has been thoroughly avoided (read: his concerns have been validated, he’s taken steps to address his issues, and he’s reformed relationships with people his abuser pushed him to second-guess). 

When Gabriel reappears, he has every reason to believe that his gaslighting will work to “control” Aziraphale. Because, while he may now be aware of Aziraphale’s friendship with Crowley, abusers will do anything to get the desired power dynamic (with them controlling all of it, and the victim none), and why abandon his most effective tool? 

Just one thing though. 

Crowley.

Crowley absolutely does not gaslight Aziraphale. Instead, he seeks to understand and validate his Angel’s concerns. Sure, occasionally they’ll fight, or push each other’s buttons, but Crowley never tries to manipulate of control Aziraphale. He remembers and encourages Aziraphale’s passions, actively seeks to participate in joint interests, and the sole act of saving Aziraphale’s books because he knows just how damn important those books are to his angel. 

He’ll even go as far as to prioritize Aziraphale’s needs/comfort above his own.  Is Aziraphale chained in a prison during the Reign of Terror? Sure, let’s just appear to rescue him. Aziraphale is getting double-crossed by Nazi bastards? Let’s just put ourselves in danger and walk on the consecrated ground and be to rescue him and his books. 

It would be a bit of an understatement to say that Crowley cares about Aziraphale and wants to promote his wellbeing. 

 At the Airfield, Gabriel has never interacted with Aziraphale with Crowley around (deleted scenes notwithstanding) and able to support him. The simple act of having a support system there definitely boosts Aziraphale’s confidence and gives him the strength to make an actual choice. 

Intervene. 

He chooses to walk up to Beelzebub and Gabriel and ask, if they are sure of their reality, because, now Aziraphale sure as hell does. He knows where he stands and who he stands with.  He is no longer under Gabriel’s control. 

Never before has Aziraphale had a single honest choice. Sure, he made the choice to enter the “arrangement” with Crowley, to raise the (wrong) anti-christ, to lie to God. But these choices are rooted in self-preservation and self-defense.  Also, he’s not transparent about these choices to Gabriel. 

Once Armageddon is averted, and Aziraphale’s chosen to side with Crowley, to jump out of Heaven if need be for humanity, there is very little holding Aziraphale back. And, Aziraphale is finally being lifted up. 

Gabriel tries to intimidate Aziraphale into submission, to tell him the questions he’s asking are insignificant, and that his opinion doesn’t matter. But, Aziraphale no longer is blind to the gaslighting, and pushes on. Crowley, in turn, backs him up and they support each other (and Adam) as they defy their respective abusers.

Once Gabriel’s control over him is broken, and his support system (Crowley) is reinstated, he can finally, openly and unabashedly love his passions.

I mean, just look at this happy face! He never smiles so honestly around Gabriel (or Heaven).

TLDR: Fuck Off Gabriel

Thanks for coming to my Tedtalk

SOURCES: 

Many of Gabriel’s actions seem to leave Aziraphale feeling worthless, and powerless in their dynamic.  If a person in your life makes you:

constantly second-guess yourself.

ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.

often feel confused and even crazy.

always apologizing to your partner.

can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.

frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.

find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.

know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.

start lying to avoid the put-downs and reality twists.

have trouble making simple decisions.

have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.

feel hopeless and joyless.

feel as though you can’t do anything right.

wonder if you are a “good enough” partner.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline has some valuable resources for you to get any help you need.

[ser-yolomere-of-swagalore]

Welcome, O life! I go to encounter for the millionth time the reality of experience and to forge in the smithy of my soul the uncreated conscience of my race myself, bitch.

James Joyce -- Ulysses (with some much needed editing)

I haven’t written here in a long time. In fact, after this post, I don’t really see myself writing here every again-- and no, before any of you (if there is, in fact, any one who will see this) jump to conclusions, this isn’t some kind of weird suicide note, or plea for help. What this is, is a sort of manifesto, or a summation, of everything that I’ve felt, and am feeling at the moment, and in a way, hopefully, purging myself of these feelings forever. It’s a goodbye, but also a new opportunity. A creation, as well as a destruction. A final litany of things that I have to say, or wanted to say, and a final exorcism of numerous antagonistic little ghosts that have been rattling around in my head for God knows how long. 

I’ve always been struck by the concept of a sort of Joycean paralysis. Maybe because it’s true-- that Irish people are, in a weird way, struck with a sort of deep, abiding, spiritual malaise, a psychological and emotional paralysis, as a sort of weird, post-colonial hangover-- or maybe because it simply hits too close to home. The narrative of a sort of genealogical, archaeological torpor is one that is all too easy to believe, because it is something that I have experienced quiet viscerally throughout my entire life, but also in a way that is difficult to articulate. The sense that you’re fundamentally at odds with the world around you because of some fundamental, spiritual displacement resulting from years (centuries?) of imperialistic and religious abuse isn’t something that goes well over dinner, after all-- especially when dinner is a hurriedly bought Burger King and the sound of mopeds careening up and down the Cardiffsbridge Road muffles the sound of Coronation Street on the television. 

But it’s a feeling that has stuck with me so long. Longer than I can really remember. This sense of being held back. By myself, by the world around me, by the people around me. Dreams of leaving, of emigrating, have been a consistent fantasy of mine. Occasional spurts of creative writing have always been characterized by the theme of a departure, whether through the realm of some childish Tolkien-esque fantasy or through a plane ticket that randomly fell into the protagonist’s (read: my) lap. That feeling of momentary, ontological vertigo, when the plane leaves the ground and you can feel yourself lifted in that miniature pocket of zero-gravity, is a sensation that I’ve craved and chased (either literally, or figuratively) whenever possible, with varying degrees of success. I even had, at one point, a bit of a miniature breakdown (you know those ones, where they creep up on you, where you have this vague sense that at any minute things are just going to collapse all around you, and nothing will ever be the same) and I started doing some pretty illegal things to get money (fill in the blanks there however you wish) in order to essentially run away, get a plane ticket to somewhere, and just start afresh. But that did crash down, either way-- I started having some viscerally severe panic attacks; I felt like I was going to be trapped here, forever, that I was going to die here, that all the dreams and aspirations I had of doing something worth while were just gonna be swallowed up the dull, plot-less relentlessness with which life here seemed to drive itself--arguably into the ground. I attended counselling, got a professional, objective perspective, and was able to get to grips with things. The anxiety stopped. The borderline insane drive to escape was lulled, and while the gnawing sense of there being a sort of hole, at the center of everything, dissipated, it didn’t quite disappear. I was, once again, able to manage, and plod right along. 

Over time, I’ve come to terms with the fact that my sense of malaise is not, in fact, the result of some kind of literarily prescribed sense of paralysis-- or, at least, not entirely. It is the result of years, perhaps arguably even decades, of mistreatment. By a family and a home that is so deeply dysfunctional that it is, legitimately, tragic. By an early upbringing so neglected and isolated that, to look back and take an earnest look, is genuinely pathetic. By a mindset and by people who see who I am and see something to laugh at. I’ve slowly come to terms with the fact that my family have never quite seen me seriously, as someone incompetent, flowery, soft, and not worth paying attention to. Years, again, potentially decades of subtle gaslighting, invalidation, negation, criticism, patronizing, condescension-- all compounded by shitty, so-called friends, who were all too happy to take advantage of my desire to please and turn it around on me-- had resulted in a person who had so much self-doubt, such a negative self-image, such a horrible sense of failure that, to further disappoint, would result in self-harm. Decades of having my life dictated to me, taking up responsibility and accepting the burden of my family’s terrible choices, of having my potential and my opportunities circumscribes by what seems to be the endlessly unfolding soap opera of my extended family’s self-inflicted pain.  And the worst part is that I simply thought all of this was normal. The concept of Joycean paralysis was able to help me understand, in a vague sense, what was really wrong, but only hindered me in truly understanding its origin.

I worry that if I go on like this I’ll only end up sounding like some kind of serially self-pitying asshole, one of those people that advertises their personal trauma and tragedy as a means to win the Sadsack Olympics, or obtain sympathy, or blame their lack of success and fulfillment on their past. But in the end, that isn’t what this is about. That isn’t the reason why I’m writing this post. In fact, the reason why I am writing this is far more joyous, written with a deep smile spreading across my face. I’ve spent my entire life orientating around myself around other people, of pleasing other people, and I’ve gotten very, very good at figuring out what is that people want, and giving it to them. What I’ve learned, an what I’ve finally gotten the balls to do, is do what I want. I’ve learned to say no. I’ve learned to pursue what I want, to accrue self-confidence, self-love, self-esteem. I’ve learned to deny people, to put myself first, and tell people who need to be told what for. I’ve learned that to be “good” is to give in, to do as I’ve told and take it all on the chin, and I’ve learned that to be “bad” is to pursue what I want, and to rebel. And, fundamentally, I’ve learned that when I am good, I am very, very good, but when I am bad I am FUCKING FIERCE. 

So I am leaving. In fact, I’ve been planning on leaving for quite some time now. Since March, roughly. I am moving to the U.K, getting away from this place, to spend time with people who I have chosen to spend my time with, that I have build up relationships purely of my own choosing and initiative, and whom I trust. To build a life that I choose to build, for myself, and shirking off as much of the trauma, pain, insecurities and self-doubt as I can. Psychiatrist Harry Stack Sullivan believed that the core motivating force in all human behavior was anxiety, and not just anxiety, but the creative and ornate ways we go about avoiding or managing it. According to him, a personality was simply a collection of habits and strategies people gathered over time to “avoid or minimize anxiety, ward off disapproval, and maintain self-esteem.” What I’ve learned, personally, is the sheer liberating power of identifying and deconstructing the aspects of my own psychology that are life-limiting, and taking great joy in completely and utterly destroying the ones that are build up anxious defense mechanisms. I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t scary, because when these mechanisms fall I’ll be thrust, head first, into facing the things I am most deeply afraid of—social rejection and abandonment, unworthiness and failure, unlovability and isolation, to name a few. But it is liberating because I’ve come to realize that, yes, our defenses serve a function, but no, we don’t actually need all of them to survive-- and then, suddenly, an entirely new life is possible. I’ve come to realize that I actually CAN tolerate anxiety; I CAN live with not being liked, I CAN be misunderstood, I CAN make mistakes, I CAN feel bad. And let me tell you, it is a relief. God is sometimes understood as a creator, but he can also be understood as a destroy-- And I am choosing to be the God of my own goddamn life, and taking great pleasure in destroying that which I don’t like.

I’ve ended up prescribing some great, symbolic significance to the act of me leaving. It is me righteously striking back at all the things that had made me hate myself in the past, because they couldn’t simply tolerate hating themselves and needed to destroy me in order to feel better. And so, to them, I say: 

Fuck my family, who have done nothing to actually foster and cultivate who I am as a human being

Fuck the people who have turned my own kindness against me and made me doubt myself

Fuck the people who have made me feel as though my command of words is a weakness-- I am a fucking fantastic writer, and I dare any of those people to challenge me, because I’ll write them into the fucking ground. 

Fuck the people who made me doubt my intelligence; I am more than smart enough to figure things out for myself and smart enough, at least now, to see them for the self-hating, jealous troglodytes they are.

Fuck this place that has made me feel that who I am is wrong, and lesser, and subordinate-- I am worthy, and powerful, and capable.

Fuck this country, and its backwards, stagnant, repressive culture

FUCK

YOU

And that’s it. There’s my gigantic, theatrical display of radical self-acceptance. In a way, what I want to do is leave, and never come back. To delete all my social media, and start afresh. But I know that’s not realistic. I know I have to tether myself to “home”, as much as I disagree with the idea this place is truly home. I will say this, however-- there are parts of my experience here, and my life thus far, that have been wonderful. I’ve got a handful of genuinely fantastic friends, and I’ve forged some very important memories with them. To burn those bridges would be unforgivable, and I would never be able to do that to them. 

It’s 2:16am. I was already exhausted but I had to write this and get it all off my chest. But this is it-- me signing off, forever. Let this be a testament to everything I want to be, an will be, from here on out. 

-Ian.

[edwardnashtons]

Re: Oswald/Edward sub vs dom. I've noticed in fandom fans tend to headcanon their favorites as a sub. So Oswald fans have a tendacy to headcanon him as a sub vs Ed fans. Of course this isn't 100%! Just a very general observation.

i don’t know how accurate your observation could be without actually keeping count to avoid confirmation bias. i’ll also say that i’m in a group chat dedicated to people whose favourite Gotham character is Ed and there was immediate top/bottom discourse because someone asked where we all stood. i didn’t keep a count either but it seemed like the majority wanted him as a ‘top’.

i think i wouldn’t have been so opposed to reading them as more versatile if the first fics i read—of which there were so, so many—weren’t so poorly done and downright ooc. they were honestly repulsive. now i find i am almost averse to the idea of reading Oswald in a more submissive role because it always seems so wrong to me.

i don’t doubt Ed could ‘top’ but i feel like if he did he wouldn’t be very confident and would want a lot of guidance from his partners. so even while ‘topping’ he wouldn’t be leading and would take cues from his partner. he’d adopt a more submissive role regardless of who’s literally on top or who’s dick/strap/fingers are going in who. edward gets very shy around his crushes, at least when they’re men. he more actively pursues women because that’s how he was taught to approach them.

but with Oswald, Lucius, even Jim, he’s hesitant about expressing affection. he melts at compliments despite still displaying confidence in his other interactions with them. he’ll happily state he’s the smartest man in Gotham while low key putting Lucius down and and striking a pose, and then blush like a schoolgirl when Lucius tells him he was helpful fifteen minutes later.

the thing is, Ed’s confidence is fake. it’s a mask. a persona. it’s fragile and he barely believes it himself. drawing from his comics backstory, his father constantly gaslighted him and undermined his own sense of intelligence. he tried to convince Ed he was an idiot and a cheater so that proof of his genius meant nothing. his mother might have contributed to a lesser degree, but at the very least we know she also hated him and wasn’t any help. if Edward is acting confident, it’s literally an act. at some point he said ‘alright, fake it til you make it’ and has been trying that out ever since.

so when someone describes him as confident, it’s very surface level. he’s suave and in control... but we can’t go five episodes without him having a complete mental breakdown, so is that really true? no. it’s not. it’s not a consistent personality trait. there’s something to said for the fact that Ed appears most confident when he is literally on a stage performing. because that’s all it is, a performance.

meanwhile, Oswald’s confidence is very real and is nearly unshakable. Ed was a witness to the one time it really broke after his mother’s death. but other than that, nothing ever stops Oswald for long because he knows he can do it and overcome it. even something as menial as building the submarine seems to shake Ed. ‘the sonar is a little harder than i thought it would be’, ‘oh, you’ll figure it out.’ ‘of course i will!’ how much of that reaction was frustration at Oswald and how much was frustration at himself and Oswald’s insinuation that he needed reassurance about his ability? he’s REALLY sensitive about the things that give him confidence and that is not a sign of a self-assured person!

this kind of got away from me but you got me thinking. anyways, if the fics i read weren’t so bad i could maybe read them switching but even then, Ed would still be a sub to me. there’s no reason he wouldn’t behave the same way, even if technically he’s ‘topping’ at that moment in time.

[chronicallygothic]

PTSD

I didn’t write the following article but I thought it really hit home and needed to be shared. Not all of it is relevant to my story but it comes very close. The abuse happened to me 13 years ago and I only just told my mom a few months ago (even though my “boyfriend” was living with me at my mother’s house.)

I’ve had to cut ties with several friendships over the gaslighting issue. I don’t even like saying his name. Not his nickname that he used when we dated or his real name. I’m frequently on high alert but my fight or flight response is finally starting to calm down after a decade of therapy and helpful partners.

Seeing him around makes me instantly sick. The fact that people don’t know what I went through makes me sick but the thought that they might not believe me “cuz he’s a good guy” is unbearable. 

He told me how to dress, who to hang out with, who not to hang out with. I was only 14.

Many times while he was driving us one place or another I would fantasize about yanking the steering wheel into oncoming traffic and hoping that neither of us survived. 

--------------------------------------

For many years I was in an extremely destructive relationship with someone who has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and during that time I was regularly subjected to a variety of emotional, mental and physical abuse.

Every day I walked on eggshells, living in fear of saying or doing something that might trigger an aggressive response.

Many people might wonder why I, or anyone else, would remain in this kind of environment, but by the time I fully recognized that I was in extreme danger, I was already badly emotionally and mentally weakened and debilitated.

I was living in terror waiting to be attacked at any moment and yet I did not feel as though I had the strength or courage to remove myself from it.

Abuse doesn’t always happen overtly and it isn’t always easy to recognize. Often it is a covert, insidious, invisible drip that slowly poisons the victim’s mind so they don’t trust their own judgment, is unable to make life-changing decisions and feels as though they don't have the coping skills necessary to get help or leave.

It took me a long time, and everything I had, to pull myself from the bottom of the deep dark hell I existed in and to get myself to a place of safety.

By the time I walked away, I thought that the nightmare was over. But in so many other ways, it had only just began.

The terrors of the taunts, torture and torment that had become my normality didn’t subside. They remained alive and relived themselves in the form of intrusive, regular flashbacks.

Many months after I had left the relationship I discovered that I was suffering from C-PTSD, (Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.)Â C-PTSDÂ is a result of persistent psychological trauma in an environment where the victim believes they are powerless and that there is no escape.

C-PTSD is slightly different than PTSD, which is brought on from experiencing one solitary, traumatic incident, or it can develop due to an accumulation of incidents. Although both C-PTSD and PTSD both developed from my experiences, I identify more with C-PTSD, as it was the effects of the prolonged exposure to repetitive and chronic trauma that I felt I couldn’t escape from that affected me the most.

For many months after leaving the relationship I struggled to sleep at night, and when I did I often woke trembling after experiencing terrifying reoccurring dreams. On many occasions when I did eventually sleep I would sleep solid for at least 24 hours, in such deep slumber that I would struggle to wake from it and when I did I would feel fatigued, spaced out and as though I was numbly sleep-walking through the day.

I was easily startled and panicked at the slightest sudden movement or loud noise.

I was ultra-sensitive, on edge and highly alert most of the time, which I believe was my mind’s way of forming some sort of self-protection to keep me aware so that I avoided similar potentially dangerous situations.

At the mention of certain words, names or places I felt nauseous and dizzy and would become extremely distressed. A painful tight knot developed in my stomach every time something occurred to remind me of the trauma.

I still have difficulty remembering large phases of my life, and for a long time I struggled to stay focused, and my concentration abilities were very poor.

I would get upset easily, especially if I was in a tense environment. I had constant anxiety and was regularly in fight-or-flight mode.

I didn’t eat properly. I had no motivation and suicidal thoughts regularly flooded my mind.

I had lost my spark.

One aspect of the aftermath of the relationship that affected me most was the daily gaslighting that I endured. This left me finding it difficult to believe anything people would tell me, and I analyzed, questioned and dissected everything.

Forming new relationships, whether friendships, or romantic, was almost impossible as I struggled to trust people’s intentions and felt scared of possible underlying, hidden motives and agendas for their words or actions.

I dissociated from most of what I had been through and pretended, even to myself, that the abuse wasn’t as serious as it was. Partly because I felt ashamed that I had not left sooner and also because I wanted to defend and protect the person I was involved with, as I still cared for him. Therefore, I rarely mentioned the relationship to anyone and froze and shut down through stress (sometimes resulting in a meltdown) if anyone tried to talk to me about i It got to the stage where I withdrew completely as leaving the house became overwhelming and a major ordeal because I wouldn’t/couldn’t open up and connect and I felt terrified of everything and everyone.

One thing that became apparent and harrowing was that although I had gained enough strength to walk away and I felt empowered by the decision knowing that it was the right choice for my emotional, mental and physical health, I was suppressing all my emotions and feelings and I was far from okay on the inside.

There were many rollercoaster emotions trapped inside me and trying to ignore and contain them was doing more harm than good. In many ways the ending of the relationship had signaled closure to one phase of my life and had opened up a new chapter that was going to take a little time to get used to.

It appeared that while I was in the relationship I had become so used to enduring a wide variety of narcissistic behaviors that they had almost become normal and acceptable. Stepping away from all that I had known felt like I had walked from one planet and onto another and I hadn’t got a clue how to navigate it on my own or how to relate to anyone on it.

I soon realized that unless I started to focus on healing myself, I would remain a victim of my previous circumstances as the build up of emotional injuries, wounds and scars needed urgent attention. Otherwise, they would seep out and silently destroy sections of my life without me being aware that the past was still controlling me.

It was up to me to rebuild my strength and confidence, otherwise I would end up alienating myself and causing further damage.

I had a lot of inner healing work and restructuring to do and trying to convince myself that just because I had left the relationship everything would be okay, was not going to be enough.

The first and most significant step I took was admitting and fully accepting that the carnage I had experienced was real and had a huge impact on my emotional and mental wellbeing.

I had been surviving by a fragile thread in a domestic war zone and for far too long I had been intimidated, manipulated, lied to and threatened, amongst many other toxic and dysfunctional behaviors. The whole relationship had been an illusion and resulted in me having serious trust issues as well as losing the will to live. I not only struggled to trust other people, but I also realized I had no faith at all in my own intuition, perception or judgment.

Finally, I gave myself permission to take as long as I needed to heal, even if it meant I would spend the rest of my life slowly putting the pieces of my life back together. I came to terms with the fact that there is no timescale to healing and there was no hurry.

I allowed myself to grieve the relationship and the loss of the person I had separated from. This was extremely difficult to do as I had so many mixed emotions due to the scale of the abuse. For a long time I denied my grief, as it was complex to come to terms with how I could miss someone who had been responsible for vicious behavior towards me.

One of the hardest parts to dealing with this grief was feeling as though I could not talk openly to anyone, as I believed no one would understand how I could remain in such an abusive relationship and still miss many aspects of that person and the life I had with them.

The reason getting over this type of relationship can be so difficult is that many narcissists display both Jeckyll and Hyde type characteristics, one minute appearing extremely loving and affectionate and the next crippling, cruel and cunning.

It is not easy to explain that I deeply loved and badly missed one side of the person I was involved with, and disliked, feared and never wanted to hear his name mentioned at the same time. Even thinking about this can make one feel a little crazy as it does not feel natural to love and hate the same person.

One essential step toward healing from narcissistic abuse, I believe, is finding someone to really confide in and who doesn’t judge or question anything that is said. Being free to talk openly and comfortably without having to over explain is vital to start putting the accumulation of experiences into some sort of context. If there isn’t a friend on hand, it is worth taking time to seek out a good counselor with an understanding of C-PTSD deriving from abusive relationships.

The most important thing that helped me to heal was focusing more on healing and rebuilding myself. Although I took time out to research and gain knowledge and understanding of the type of abuse I had been subjected to, I spent far more of my time indulging myself in whatever felt good for my soul.

Slowly and surely I rebuilt myself, formed new friendships, learned to trust people and forgave all of the past. There are still days that it haunts me, but there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel and although it can be difficult to believe that when you start walking through it, as soon as you take the first steps of acceptance the path ahead begins to become clear.

Healing comes by taking one small step at a time, with gentle, loving care and without hurry.

Article by Alex Myles

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/10/living-with-c-ptsd-following-an-abusive-relationship/

[socialattractionuk]

Essential tips for online dating in lockdown (and the pandemic dating trends to watch out for)

Embrace the joy of getting to know each other from a distance (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Being single and actively looking for love in lockdown is strange… mostly because you can’t actually leave the house and meet anyone.

Physical intimacy isn’t a possibility (unless you smooch your housemates), but you can still date amid the coronavirus pandemic – just go to your usual online dating spots and build up the chat until you can meet IRL.

This new normal comes with its own hurdles. There are new dating trends to look out for, new challenges to overcome, and all the emotions of living in a crisis will have an impact.

We chatted to Rachael Lloyd, the relationship expert at eharmony, to get her wisdom on how to navigate these new choppy waters of dating in a pandemic.

Here are her essential tips.

Get creative

No, you can’t just go for after-work drinks or do dinner and a film.

But you can still do proper dates – just think outside the box.

‘Virtual dates don’t have to be boring,’ says Rachael. ‘Use technology to visit a virtual gallery, join a virtual book club or simply watch your favourite Netflix flick together.

‘These activities will be a good barometer for compatibility further down the line and give you the chance to show off a bit of personality ahead of meeting IRL.’

We’ve written a handy guide to a great video date, so do read that before booking in that FaceTime sesh.

Beware the pandem-ex

Rachael says: ‘One in five Brits (21%) have been contacted so far by a former love, a pandem-ex, during lockdown – but it’s best to resist temptation and see the approach for what it is.

‘There’s often a valid reason relationships break up, from a fundamental lack of compatibility to shifting priorities or betrayal.

‘So, if an ex comes virtually knocking stay true to yourself first.’

Video calls are a must (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Embrace being able to get to know each other

Don’t think too much about what you’re missing out on (physical touch). Instead, embrace one of the benefits of dating in lockdown: you pretty much have to get to know each other on a deeper level before you get swept up in snogging each other’s faces of.

Schedule in some proper chat sessions (eharmony has a new video dating function for exactly this, but you could also use Zoom, FaceTime, HouseParty, or even the humble phone call) where you can talk for an hour or more.

Enjoy that oldschool thrill of flirty messages and talking all night. It’s kind of lovely to just talk.

‘While conversation should flow if you have chemistry, don’t be afraid to plan a few conversation topics in advance,’ Rachael recommends. ‘Not only will this help you avoid any awkward silences but allow you to find out exactly what you would like to know about a potential new match.’

Remember it’s okay to be single

If you’re not in the mood to date, don’t force it. Lockdown can be the perfect opportunity for solo time.

Rachael says: ‘Bear in mind being in a relationship isn’t the be all and end all and just because you have extra time on your hands, doesn’t mean you need to be having four virtual dates a night.

‘Instead, a bit of self-reflection may well make you realise that you have been chasing the wrong people, or could actually do with a bit of time on your own.

‘Take things at your own pace and trust your instincts.’

Ditch comparison

You know full well that comparison is the thief of joy, but the temptation to measure your experience up against others’ highlights on social media is even stronger in lockdown.

Remember that for every cutesy date night you see on Instagram, there’s an argument borne out of desperately needing some space from a significant other.

‘Don’t beat yourself up because you see friends or family in happy relationships,’ says Rachael. ‘This will only give rise to more feelings of pressure and dent your confidence.

‘The pandemic has impacted relationships too; couples who have only recently just met have had to move in together with no prior warning and many established couples are getting cabin fever.’

Dating terms and trends, defined

Blue-stalling: When two people are dating and acting like a couple, but one person in the partnership states they're unready for any sort of label or commitment (despite acting in a different manner).

Breadcrumbing: Leaving ‘breadcrumbs’ of interest – random noncommittal messages and notifications that seem to lead on forever, but don’t actually end up taking you anywhere worthwhile Breadcrumbing is all about piquing someone’s interest without the payoff of a date or a relationship.

Caspering: Being a friendly ghost - meaning yes, you ghost, but you offer an explanation beforehand. Caspering is all about being a nice human being with common decency. A novel idea.

Catfish: Someone who uses a fake identity to lure dates online.

Clearing: Clearing season happens in January. It’s when we’re so miserable thanks to Christmas being over, the cold weather, and general seasonal dreariness, that we will hook up with anyone just so we don’t feel completely unattractive. You might bang an ex, or give that creepy guy who you don’t really fancy a chance, or put up with truly awful sex just so you can feel human touch. It’s a tough time. Stay strong.

Cloutlighting: Cloutlighting is the combo of gaslighting and chasing social media clout. Someone will bait the person they’re dating on camera with the intention of getting them upset or angry, or making them look stupid, then share the video for everyone to laugh at.

Cockfishing: Also known as catcocking. When someone sending dick pics uses photo editing software or other methods to change the look of their penis, usually making it look bigger than it really is.

Cuffing season: The chilly autumn and winter months when you are struck by a desire to be coupled up, or cuffed.

Firedooring: Being firedoored is when the access is entirely on one side, so you're always waiting for them to call or text and your efforts are shot down.

Fishing: When someone will send out messages to a bunch of people to see who’d be interested in hooking up, wait to see who responds, then take their pick of who they want to get with. It’s called fishing because the fisher loads up on bait, waits for one fish to bite, then ignores all the others.

Flashpanner: Someone who’s addicted to that warm, fuzzy, and exciting start bit of a relationship, but can’t handle the hard bits that might come after – such as having to make a firm commitment, or meeting their parents, or posting an Instagram photo with them captioned as ‘this one’.

Freckling: Freckling is when someone pops into your dating life when the weather’s nice… and then vanishes once it’s a little chillier.

Gatsbying: To post a video, picture or selfie to public social media purely for a love interest to see it.

Ghosting: Cutting off all communication without explanation.

Grande-ing: Being grateful, rather than resentful, for your exes, just like Ariana Grande.

Hatfishing: When someone who looks better when wearing a hat has pics on their dating profile that exclusively show them wearing hats.

Kittenfishing: Using images that are of you, but are flattering to a point that it might be deceptive. So using really old or heavily edited photos, for example. Kittenfishes can also wildly exaggerate their height, age, interests, or accomplishments.

Lovebombing: Showering someone with attention, gifts, gestures of affection, and promises for your future relationship, only to distract them from your not-so-great bits. In extreme cases this can form the basis for an abusive relationship.

Microcheating: Cheating without physically crossing the line. So stuff like emotional cheating, sexting, confiding in someone other than your partner, that sort of thing.

Mountaineering: Reaching for people who might be out of your league, or reaching for the absolute top of the mountain.

Obligaswiping: The act of endlessly swiping on dating apps and flirt-chatting away with no legitimate intention of meeting up, so you can tell yourself you're doing *something* to put yourself out there.

Orbiting: The act of watching someone's Instagram stories or liking their tweets or generally staying in their 'orbit' after a breakup.

Paperclipping: When someone sporadically pops up to remind you of their existence, to prevent you from ever fully moving on.

Preating: Pre-cheating - laying the groundwork and putting out feelers for cheating, by sending flirty messages or getting closer to a work crush.

Prowling: Going hot and cold when it comes to expressing romantic interest.

R-bombing: Not responding to your messages but reading them all, so you see the 'delivered' and 'read' signs and feel like throwing your phone across the room.

Scroogeing: Dumping someone right before Christmas so you don't have to buy them a present.

Shadowing: Posing with a hot friend in all your dating app photos, knowing people will assume you're the attractive one and will be too polite to ask.

Shaveducking: Feeling deeply confused over whether you're really attracted to a person or if they just have great facial hair.

Sneating:When you go on dates just for a free meal.

Stashing: The act of hiding someone you're dating from your friends, family, and social media.

Submarineing: When someone ghosts, then suddenly returns and acts like nothing happened.

V-lationshipping:When someone you used to date reappears just around Valentine's Day, usually out of loneliness and desperation.

You-turning: Falling head over heels for someone, only to suddenly change your mind and dip.

Zombieing: Ghosting then returning from the dead. Different from submarineing because at least a zombie will acknowledge their distance.

  Do you have a story of love in lockdown? Get in touch to share it by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

Share your views in the comments section below.

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[theliterateape]

Sixty Is Hard to Accept

by David Fink

Every time I turn an age ending in a zero, I write an essay about lessons of the decade. I wrote one at 30 and, unfortunately, I didn’t save a copy.  I wrote another at 40 and I don’t have a copy of that one either.  I do have the one I wrote at 50.  In brief, 20s was about making tons of mistakes and trying to figure out who I am. 30s was picking a direction and eliminating things that don’t work for me.  40s was about changing directions and trying to avoid becoming bitter.  This is really simplifying those pieces, but you can read a version of the essay I wrote at 50 at https://www.literateape.com/blog/contributor/avoiding-being-defined-by-the-aging-process.

Sixty.  It’s hard for me to accept. When I was a kid, 60 sounded so old.  Sixty meant grandparents, retirement, nearing the end of life.  But what do kids know? In reality, I believe that I haven’t yet peaked. On the other hand, life is not a continuous upward journey nor a plummet. Every decade has benefits and challenges.  Hopefully, one of the achievements of aging is acquiring more clarity and understanding of life.  After some thought, here are a few things I learned about life in my 50s.

My first big realization is the value of joy.  I used to think pleasure was not something you should seek. It might even be a sin. It is temporary and unsustainable and superficial. I have always felt moments of happiness but I would let them pass by and move on. Maybe I didn’t fully appreciate it. In my 50s, I tried to bask in those moments of pleasure as there is value in recognizing joy and naming what brought it.  If you can identify a few things that incite joy, you are more likely to live fully in the moment when they happen and maybe recreate the feeling when you need to be uplifted.  Friends have told me big and small things that bring them joy: spending time with friends and family, having sexual experiences, driving on a newly surfaced road, peeing when you really need to pee, wearing a new article of clothing, experiencing a great performance or piece of art, immersing yourself in literature that really speaks to you, checking off the final item on a “to do” list, and laughing spontaneously.  Some smells that bring me joy are the ocean, coffee, or freshly baked brownies-- an endless number of things can bring each of us elation.  Some personal examples: sharing food with someone I love (romantic or, more commonly, platonic,) having a new experience, traveling, feeling sun on my face during an unseasonably warm fall or winter day, playing with my dog, and singing (especially with others.) Creating something of which I’m proud as part of a team (The Acorn Theater and Outspoken are two of my favorites,) writing an essay or a story that I think is good, and a sincere compliment, even if I deflect it, makes me happy.  

Try to notice and remember these moments in your life. There are so many negative things that happen all the time, so be mindful not to let them obscure the good things.

Another way to feel better is to master self-care through creating boundaries and limits with certain people.  I began to learn about emotionally protecting myself as a teen when some of my angst-filled hormone-riddled friends would talk to me about their sorrow.  I began learning to listen and empathize but not to get sucked into their drama (I was also angst-filled and hormone-riddled.) Most of the drama was about parental ignorance or adolescent crushes. I’m glad I’m far away from those teen-age mood swings. However, through them, I started to learn about creating boundaries, but I still had a long way to go.  

It wasn’t until my 50s that I had to force myself to avoid relationships with extremely toxic people because they caused me pain. I often joke that I had a feeling once, didn’t like it, and never had one again. But that is not true.  I have a lot of feelings.  I often mask them using sarcasm or humor. Sometimes I will express them through words alone saying that something is funny as opposed to laughing.  I rarely cry, though my eyes tear easily. 

Men in particular avoid acknowledging having feelings. In our culture, men often mask their emotion because feelings are considered feminine or weak. Even though I know this, when I work on a personal story, I often need to be coached into including my emotions. It is unusual for me to communicate my feelings to others but when I do, it is sincere and open. It is also a clear indication that I trust you and I’m willing to be vulnerable around you.

I have empathy for others. I’ve lost a parent and many friends and relatives, ended relationships, been bullied, and survived trauma. This empathy has allowed me to be manipulated into trying to fulfil the needs and wants of others. During my teenage years, no one was trying to harm me.  In my 50s, I have known people who have shown gaslighting, addiction, narcissism, and sociopathology who did things that could actually damage me.  My relationships with these people were already established and our lives were enmeshed before I saw this behavior so cutting them off often was not an option. I cannot forgive malignant behavior. Sometimes people will deliberately try to deceive me and if I suspect what they say is untrue, I’ll file it away in my memory until I can confirm that it was a lie.  Once that happens, the liar has forever lost my trust. My relationship with such a person will be significantly limited and will only have interactions that do not require trust.  

Compartmentalization is a hard lesson and I have a lot of battle scars, but in the end, my travails gave me strength.  I continue to learn healthy ways to interact with predatory damaged people-lessons I will continue to learn and use as long as I live.  I pay attention to behavior as well as words and when I am confident a person is deceitful or conniving, I get to decide how close that person can get to me emotionally.  

Many non-toxic people in my life come to me with distress. Sometimes I absorb and then release their pain. I am learning to recognize that I cannot cure all that ails others, and when necessary, to separate emotionally from their issues.  It is often a struggle to do this but worth the effort.  One of the challenges is separating with firmness and kindness, instead of anger. I put this into practice when I ended my twenty two year long relationship. However, if I think you are a true friend and ally, I will do almost anything for you. I will speak with honesty and vulnerability.  I am far from perfect and will continue to recognize and work on improving myself without wasting energy on problems I can’t fix.  

The last thing I want to talk about are thoughts concerning G-d.  I have spent a lot of time pondering this.  For me, G-d is an energy that connects us.  I have experienced so many coincidences that I stopped believing there is such a thing as a coincidence. Things that happen yet don’t make scientific sense I renamed G-d.  

Medically, my mother should not have lived past the age of 30.  Yet, she is living a full life at 84. She got to see me turn 60. Living to see a child reach this milestone is a rarity in my family. 

I introduced two friends of mine who are mothers and within a short time, in front of me, they discovered they share the same sperm donor, so their kids are half siblings. 

 I believe there is actually no such thing as a stranger.  Only people who haven’t figured out how they’re connected.  G-d is what connects our planet.  I once met someone in Europe who asked if I knew a Wendy in the United States.  As it turned out, I did know that specific Wendy.   

Now, does G-d care what I believe? G-d doesn’t care. What really matters to G-d is how a person behaves.  And if this is not true and you behave graciously in fear of judgement, well, that’s ok.  The results are positive.  

Speaking of G-d, I was raised Jewish and there are parts of the Jewish culture that I think are particularly helpful.  One is that it teaches you not only how to mourn, but also for how long and how to stop mourning.  Deep mourning lasts for a month except for the loss of a parent which lasts about 11 months. I like the idea I learned from my culture to not only mourn a loss but to honor the deceased.  I think of my father and other loved ones who are no longer with us and try to honor their memories by thinking of them, talking about them, lighting a candle in their honor, or making a donation to a charity with them in mind.  

My other favorite part of Judaism is the concept and value of “tikkun olam,” which means it is everyone’s obligation to repair the world.  We live in a broken place and we must all try to and heal and fix it.  

The idea of G-d, at the very least, no matter what your religion, should let you know there are more important things than just you.  It should give you hope when there is no other hope. Finally, it should get you to behave in a manner that is good for society.  

One of my nightly prayers is to recognize my gifts and use them to make the world a better place.  I hope to give more than I take in my limited time on this planet.  Thinking about it nightly helps me to make better choices. I try to treat people with kindness while remaining firm in protecting my emotional self.  I live in the moment and embrace and appreciate feelings of joy and pleasure. I try to find pleasure when it will benefit my spirit. And I try to act like I’m part of a community by contributing and nurturing while also accepting nurturing when offered.  Now, let’s see what I learn and how I can continue to grow in my 60s.

[datingadviceonreddit]

This almost falls under relationship advice, but truly, you have to apply it at the dating stage in order for it to matter.I’m a serial monogamist. I’ve been in seven major relationships spanning from when I was 18. I’m 30 and currently in what I believe to be the final relationship of my life. I’m happy to commit to her, spend life with her, and so on.Friends and family agree we are perfect for each other. It’s been pretty fucking cool.It’s tough to admit the patterns of self-victimization that I’ve been a part of. Friends and family are always skeptical of the quality of my relationships, often outright telling me that certain behaviors my partner’s have shown are abusive or unacceptable. We’d eventually break up, I’d meet someone new, and repeat at least one piece of my relationship pattern.I’ve done my best to reflect on, target, and dispose of all the behaviors that have made me a human doormat to my female partners. I’ve been unhealthy for them as well. I truly believe it has little to do with selection.Sure, a man can choose a partner who is narcissistic and outright physically abusive. These rare cases are the exception. Most women aren’t crazy or ‘emotional.’ Their capable and loving; they’re also human and open to behavioral conditioning. We all are.Here are three of the things I learned to stop doing. Once I relieved myself of each behavior, I offered a better path for my partner to treat me how I feel I deserve to be treated. Parts of this may feel obvious. But they weren’t for me, so maybe they’ll help someone else.I Stopped Being Dishonest About My EmotionsBeing honest with myself about when I am angry or sad is huge. My parents did that gaslighting thing where you tell a kid, “you’re fine” or “you have no reason to be upset.”The result was me not trusting my emotions at all. I didn’t think I could be angry. I would, on a timer, become an emotionally sad mess. I would cry to a friend in confidence. Then go back to bottling it up. Recognizing your emotions and emotional health is key.By bottling up your emotions, and being okay when you’re actually bubbling with ire, will show your partner that the things they do are acceptable. Instead, learn to confront your partner in a constructive way.Say things like, “Ooo that kinda stung. Do you think we could talk about why you said that?”Or, “When you eat all my guacamole, it makes me feel emotional. Can we talk about you making more guacamole?”Once I spoke frustrations instead of hiding them, I was able to constructively problem solve, which is now my favorite thing. Letting it out in a reasonable way tends to take a fiery pit of frustration, and tame it into a bit of boiling water. Where you can brew some love tea.You get what I’m trying to say.How To Do ThatI’m still learning but start with being honest with people when they do something that upsets you. Don’t give into your Irish heritage and grin and bear it. Find constructive ways to communicate and criticize to build effective forms of problem solving into your life and emotional issues.In your journal, write about emotional health. It's funny, I’ve had a personal development journal for a decade. Never once did I mentioned a negative emotion in it. Write about when you were angry. Write about whether you did something about it, or if you communicated that minor frustration to the person who you feel trespassed you. Write whether or not you feel it was valid, or if you were actually upset about something else and angry with someone by proxy. These are important.Meditation helps.After you make the changes, you’ll most often be met with empathy rather than frustration. If you’re already in a relationship with bad patterns, be the first one to make a change. Never expect your partner to follow through immediately. Find patience. Be stronger.I Stopped Love Bombing And OvercommittingI always see this mentioned in the narcissist list of evil tools. And yet, I see it all the time in my friends relationships. I think love bombing applies to our instant dating hookup culture in a big way. We allow people to enter our lives and soak up all our time. I think love bombing can happen on accident, or even be a two party event. Be open to there being “Benign occurrences” as explained by psychologist Oliver James.Yes, love bombing is usually coupled with a second behavior and cycles of abuse. Quid pro quo, or sudden negative reinforcement. I don’t consider the kind of outright love/hate/apology sequence the only kind of love bomb a person can drop.Often, I didn’t feel like it was sinister intentions on my behalf. I would run out of steam. I would think, “Hey, I cook a lot. maybe I can focus on my business for a week and they’ll pick up the slack.” They wouldn’t. I showed them that it was my job to cook. And generally they expected me to keep going. Even if I kindly explained the situation, it still leaves your partner feeling like they got a raw deal. You showed them you were capable of x. Now you’re saying you need y.Early on, our partner asks to come over. You fear they won’t like you saying no, and maybe they’ll scroll tinder if the boundaries are unclear. So you say yes. You don’t want them to feel like you didn’t want them over, so you cook a meal. It makes them feel loved. And this is the slow drip of accidental love bombing. Neediness from one person met by insecure performance of another.This behavior commonly left me doing house work, running my business, giving massages, giving gifts and getting next to nothing in return. I’d stick around hoping they’d change. But really, I’d already changed them. I showed them early on the way it would be, they just stuck with the deal.How to Avoid Doing ThisSet lots of time boundaries up front. Never ever cancel a plan for a new relationship. Have the personal security to not over reach early on. Be romantic, but be reasonable with the everyday stuff.Don’t be afraid to ask for things. Ask often. Let them tell you no, and feel no attachment to their rejection. From cooking to a foot rub, ask. And most people like this. People like to feel wanted. The difference between wanted and used is a balance of effort from both parties.Work hard. Bring plenty to the table, and split everything. An American (my culture) woman who is ready to split everything 50/50 with you is a good sign. Even if you want a family where she stays at home, you know she’ll bring a work ethic to the table that motivates you. My current girlfriend took me to sushi and paid for our first date. We hadn’t talked about who was paying and she took the check. We talked about healthy habits, decided super slow was best, and went on a date to a concert two weeks later. I paid. It doesn’t have to be a weird at-the-dinner-table check splitting conversation.Be self aware. Think to yourself, “What am I showing her about me right now?” She gets upset and says something that hurts you, and you rub her back afterwards with no apology. You’re showing her that rudeness gets love. Similarly, don’t be rude or angry and then let her coddle you. You’ll teach yourself to be an asshole.I Stopped Being Halfway Honest About Sex and MonogamyIf you and your partner have different ideas about sexual security, then you’re going to have a bad time. This has a spillover effect into every other thing in your relationship. From fights about money to fights about the kids; it’s so often truthfully about that girl you looked at or that shirt she wore to drinks with her friends.Before my most recent relationship we played a hypothetical game of what if. We talked about every sexual scenario. Dry spells. What she thought constituted cheating, what I think constitutes cheating. We talked about who we thought was attractive and what we think we need. How do we define flirting? How do we define friendships of the opposite sex and what exactly is too far?The craziest part- we were 100% honest.Conversations like these need to happen early and often. Lay a good foundation of understanding. Don’t be shy about your opinions. If you disagree, compromise. If you can’t compromise, move on. Don’t set yourself up for long term failure because you can’t live with her wearing heels to work (or whatever.)Also, if you're like me and quite possibly a little on the spectrum. Create a calendar. Learn when her period is. Set an alarm 14 days before her next period. Then remember to pay attention to her for the next four days. Ovulation is when you need to be most aware of flirtation, and when she be most likely to be frustrated with you for not getting it.Bonus: This Weird Thing HelpedSix months in, we wrote a contract with our views on it and signed it at the bottom.We wrote down who we were. How the other person saw us, and what the expectations of the relationship was for both of us. How would dishes work? How would all bills and budgeting work? Who handles planning, vacations, scheduling, and following up on that Amazon package? It’s all in the contract. Unorthodox. But It’s working.Good Luck Out ThereBe thoughtful. Be loving. Might write follow up, I don’t know. via /r/dating_advice

[understandingthevoices]

I appreciate the well thought out response! Lets do a quick survey- In regards to the narcs you have personally dealt with, what careers are they in? On to a heavier question- what type of person would be a good partner for the narc- not someone for the supply and fuel, but truly who would be compatible with the narc and help him/her get out of their narc behaviors? So not someone that would continue the supply but someone that can actually help and be in a fulfilling relationship with the narc?

no problem ! hmm so i haven’t dealt with many - at least not in a close enough proximity that would allow me to definitively diagnose them (usually there is something so off about them that i keep away; my close friends have always been nothing but highly empathetic and supportive) - but i do have my suspicions about a few people i know and have come in contact with, including the ex and the friend. the ex and one of my acquaintances i highly suspect is a narc are in med school (allow me to voice my disgust here… they really have no place treating patients…i wish med schools screened for lack of empathy and compassion tbh) and then the friend works in an investment firm in wall street – which imo is a much more suitable career for the narc types. i can’t see him even batting an eye at the immoral actions they probs have him do day after day; i genuinely don’t think he would have any trouble financially screwing some poor person over as long as it meant he was getting rewarded for it

but it’s actually a very interesting (albeit sad) reality that the traits that one associates with narcissism - a lack of empathy/compassion, an emphasis on self-aggrandizement, on showboating, on self-fulfillment, on selfishness - are very much the traits that allow individuals to prosper and get ahead in the professional/career world. the empaths, that are too concerned with other people’s feelings and how they might be affected - often fall far far behind as a result of their inherent nature to think about others… and this is true for all careers, including some you wouldn’t think about - like medicine, unfortunately

so now your next question – which hits pretty close to home, as you can imagine. since my ex was a narc i thought about this question often, especially when the breakup was more recent, and wondered if he was gonna treat his next supply different, if maybe she’d have some insider narc knowledge that i didn’t… but tbh from the outside i know its just the same old fake love that i’m so familiar with… gagi don’t think there really is a partner that would be good for the narc, and who the narc won’t just treat as supply/fuel. i know it may seem i’m biased here, but i’m trying my very best to be as rational as possible the thing is, the narc screens out people who he knows he can’t manipulate - people that have such a strong sense of self, are hella outspoken, won’t ever give him the benefit of the doubt, those that have heard about his antics from other people - so those people are not even in the running when the narc decides to get into a relationship. so the only people really left are the empaths, which of course act as the supply/fuel for the narc… and once they recognize the narcissistic abuse (this usually comes later - but once they recognize their needs aren’t being met and their emotions are being ignored), and subsequently become outspoken, stand up for themselves, demonstrate that they won’t be walked all over, etc, the narc initially tries to gaslight, then tries to manipulate the situation in his favor, but then finally realizes the situation is hopeless and leaves, only to be tied up with another empath supply a few weeks later…so for that reason, i can’t think of any kind of personality that would be a good partner for the narc, that would “help him get out of their narc behaviors” and even the notion of that very quote is dangerous —-thinking you can help a narc out of his behaviors is how the narc continues to keep his victim trapped; since his victims are empaths, they want to help him - it’s what they’ve done their whole life and been rewarded for - and so they think to themselves, oh maybe if i show him enough love, he’ll take off the mask and be actually loving with me… nOPE not how it worksinstead, the narc will continue to manipulate, by promising the empath he is gonna get better and is trying and only needs a bit more time and support, but now that the empath is helping them he’s SO CLOSE TO FINDING HIS TRUE SELF - but in reality he’s just continuing to string along the empath, knowing full well he has no desire or impulse to be better, work on himself, or take the necessary measures to become emotionally mature and healthy by going to therapy, etc

the bottom line is the narc doesn’t have the ability to emotionally connect to another human being, the idea of love as an emotion is so foreign to them… so they don’t care about others apart from what they do for him - and so because they only care what others do for them, they can easily replace themwhen they say “i love you” they really mean “i love to use you”soo when you’re with one, you’re just as replaceable as the cellphone they use everydayand of course, if your cellphone malfunctions, you just get a new onesame thing here if you leave or if you decide to not follow the script anymore, they’ll feel sad they lost a familiar supply but they won’t do anything about it - they won’t take responsibility for the relationship’s end or try to fix what was wrong…(even if you tell them exactly what it was and what they have to do to fix it) instead, they’ll just find a new supply who is more gullible, malleable, and subservient to their needs (what you were in the beginning) to take your place no harm no foul in their mindsand because they have no empathy they dont care about what you’re going thru as a result of their actions –

even when you google it, they say the only real therapy for narcissism is “talk therapy” - and if you’ve ever dealt with a narc, you know how that goes - THEY ARE MASTERS at social situations, especially ones that require them to talk/convince/persuade, and can manipulate any situation to their benefit, and i can definitely see them doing the same in therapy…so even if a narc dated a psychiatrist or a mental health aide, there just is no real way i can see that being/becoming healthy and fulfilling for the empath (the narc tho of course is fulfilled)the truth is despite the illusions of self-confidence and self-aggrandizement the narc is deeply insecure about who he is - and that’s why he puts on the social masks and has such a huge thirst for fuel/supply (which is really just validation) – it doesn’t even matter who that supply isand anyone that can see thru the mask and see the little insecure boy that has wanted for love and affirmation his whole life has gotta go he doesn’t care to fix the roots of insecurity… why would he? that would require him facing the truth & he’s as happy as a clam in his delusional world

in some of my other informal research, psychiatrists actually said to anyone in a relationship with a narcissist - don’t try to help them… just get out, you’ll just be wasting your precious time trying to help someone that doesn’t want to be helped. and if you don’t have that freedom - if there’s social or financial restrictions, for example -  you have to learn to manage your expectations. never expect the narc to be that loving, dutiful bf/husband/partner that you envisioned him being in the beginning - all of it was fake in an effort to lure you in and blind you to the real them – the person who he really is is the one you’re living with now - the selfish, controlling, mean one – and you have to learn to live with that. manage your expectations, and look for emotional fulfillment elsewhere, like in hobbies or friends, etc ngl i often felt like i was in a “loveless marriage” when i was with the narc… and i really did think i’m way too young to feel like this …where is my hollywood romance????? - but since i had nothing to compare it to and i was convinced he was the LOML who i was meant to be with i didn’t think it was as toxic as it ended up being

if i were to dig rly deep though, the only way to get a narc to cooperate and to think about your needs would be to present yourself as such a high-quality supply (supporting his selfcentered worldview, grandiose beliefs about himself, contributing to it even) and thereby foster dependence on you by the narc – thereby forcing the narc to meet your needs if he wants to continue getting his supply – something i tried doing but it was exhausting because he was only doing the VERY bare minimum and made me feel like a huge burden in his life as a resultplus i don’t think you should have to beg/manipulate someone into loving youit def worked for a while but it was just another twisted game in the end and not truly the “healthy and fulfilling relationship” i think you’re asking aboutit’s never gonna be fulfilling- just fuel-filling LOL (i had to do it lmaooo)

and that’s the realitynow if you have an avoidant attachment style and don’t require emotional fulfillment, then that’s a narc’s wet dream – they will never have to get better, and they’ll have the supply and fuel they need - but is that healthy and fulfilling for either person???? nah at that point they’re just enabling each other lmao