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#attempts at comedy
tinosawruswrites · 9 days
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Drunken Confessions
Week 2: Drunken Confessions (One-shot)
BG3 Baddies/Lilith Hell Discord server Fanfic prompt
Word count: ~3100 words
Synopsis: After saving the world, the party holds a drunken celebration at the Elfsong. Goofy chaos ensues and Alina (Tav) in her heavily inebriated state confesses her feelings to Astarion.
Tags/Warnings: Named Fem! Tav (Alina), OC Tav with backstory and defined personality, rogue half-elf Tav, spawn Astarion, spoilers for act3, spoilers for the ending of the game, side character Gale, Shadowheart, Lae’zel, Minsc, Jaheira, Halsin and Minthara, reckless alcohol consumption, minor dubcon cause one of them is absolutely blasted, but it’s mostly innocent little kissies on the cheeks etc, attempts at comedy.
Extra special thanks to @charmandabear for helping me by proofreading, fixing grammar errors and giving me insight on how to better my writing!
The party arrived safely back to what remained of the Elfsong. The tavern had been spared from most of the chaos of battle, its structure intact, but a part of its roof collapsed and a couple of its walls with gaping holes in it – almost a fit metaphor for the state of the party.
Karlach and Wyll went off to Avernus and the Emperor disappeared. Astarion had to make a brief vanishing act to escape the sun, emerging back into the group only after Gale located the spellbook that allowed him to cast darkness.
Alina had started crying when Astarion made a run for it and Karlach almost burnt alive. She calmed briefly after each of their little problems was solved, but didn’t stop fully until after they had all settled in the Elfsong.
Lae’zel attempted to voice her plans to leave once they were done, but felt too bad to actually commit once Alina took both of her hands into her own, eyes leaking and lips trembling, shaking her head.
It postponed the githyanki’s departure, possibly indefinitely.
The rest of the party didn’t voice their need to leave, or at least hid any such plans as to not upset Alina even further. After all, they had just barely saved the world and they had a celebration to attend to.
Despite its worn down status, the Elfsong was a sight for sore eyes and the innkeeper was more than happy to return to his everyday job serving food and drinks, instead of fending off against mindflayers and their minions.
The group settled within the tavern’s torn down walls, chose a table and began their celebration with a round of drinks.
“To Karlach and Wyll!” hailed Gale to honor their friends.
“To Karlach and Wyll!” the group repeated and toasted their drinks together.
Alina downed her pint in one go like a thirsty sailor, slamming the empty vessel back against the table, much to everyone’s surprise. She wiped away the foam clinging under her nose and hiccuped loudly. The group broke into laughter and toasted again. Alina giggled, hiccuping again, her small frame already swaying.
All drinks were on the house and the merry making escalated rapidly as the day progressed into the afternoon. Alina managed to down another pint almost immediately after the first one, prompting Shadowheart to ban her from drinking anything else for a while.
“It’s for Karlach and… Wyll… They would have wanted for us to… to… be happy and not sad after winning.” Alina was already partially slurring some of her words, surprising even herself.
“And they would want us to also not die of alcohol poisoning while doing so, I’m sure,” Shadowheart reminded Alina, patting her in the back while holding her own freshly poured cup of wine in the other.
This seemed to work and kept Alina from drinking for a good while, coming down to a comfortable buzz after Gale convinced her to eat something to soak up the alcohol. 
She wasn’t much of a drinker in her free time and thus didn’t have much experience when it came to drinking. She did a lot of taste testing and sampled each concoction carefully before deciding if she liked it, only finishing those she did. She got her samples by stealing from the cups of her friends, mostly from Gale.
She distracted him by hugging him first, then poked him on the shoulder from behind, duping him into turning towards the non existent person trying to get his attention, allowing her to take a loud slurp from the goblet in his hands.
Gale chuckled at Alina’s antics but loudly reprimanded her with a couple choice words after falling for her cheap trick for the third time, forcing Shadowheart to come and help put a stop to the blatant drink thievery, only to end up as the next victim.
She forced a giggling Alina to sit down with her around a lone table, closely monitoring the rogue with both of her arms crossed, a full wine goblet in front of her. Alina had her own goblet full of water in front of her, but when Shadowheart’s attention inevitably faltered, the rogue used the moment to swap their drinks.
Shadowheart turned to watch Alina gleefully down her supposed goblet of water and smiled approvingly, taking a victorious sip of her own, quickly finding out the trickery.
What followed was a full on pursuit with Shadowheart and Gale chasing after Alina while she went on a wild alcohol motivated crime spree, stealing as many sips from as many of her friend’s drinks as she could. Laughter rumbled from all over the tavern that had slowly filled up with more patrons as the day progressed.
After getting apprehended by none other than Halsin and told to slow down, Alina calmed down like a tamed feral kitten, already feeling the booze take effect. Shadowheart and Gale sighed of relief, settling into their own merry-making, knowing for certain that Halsin’s gentle authority would keep Alina in line, and it did.
She slowed down remarkably, most definitely due to her absolutely hammered state.
She was mostly a giddy drunk, happily singing and dancing around the tavern with everyone who would engage with her. However, her joy would take a brief, yet intense nosedive whenever she remembered their missing companions, oftentimes triggering the moodswing herself by trying to find either Karlach or Wyll. She would sink to a low, depressive slouch, ugly crying until comforted and reminded that despite being forced to leave, they were both still alive and well.
Hopefully.
But that was something nobody wanted to add.
After the fourth bout of crying, it was Jaheira’s turn to console Alina, - Gale, Shadowheart, and Halsin had each had their turns already. In a rare motherly fashion, the druid decided it was better for the rogue to take a break from drinking and sit down at the sidelines to separate her from all the wild partying of the others.She tutted at the young half-elf while guiding her under her arm away from the loud center of the tavern, soothing her with druidic words of wisdom about “rivers always finding the sea at the end” and “strong roots that joined trees that were distances apart.”
Alina sniffled and nodded at her, allowing herself to be seated in one of the quieter corners of the tavern, right next to Astarion. The vampire was lounging in one of the more comfortable seats the tavern had to offer, a leather armchair with a small foot rest.
He was swirling his wine in a goblet, one empty bottle next to him and another one halfway done on the table, terribly bored being his inability to get drunk in the traditional way.
He raised an eyebrow seeing Jaheira half carrying a clearly very drunk Alina to sit next to him.
“Keep an eye on her and don’t let her drink anymore.” Jaheira gestured towards Alina.
“...What? I’m not a-”
A loud crash sounded off from the other end of the tavern. Minsc had accidentally broken a table by drunkenly trying to demonstrate a handstand upon it, shattering a bunch of wine bottles, glasses and a couple pints on his way down towards the floor through it.
“Minsc is fine! No worries friends!” the ranger called from the floor while groaning, sounding remarkably sober but struggling to orient himself.
Boo squeaked something from the front counter, safely tucked inside a small, makeshift hanging swing with a biscuit in its paws.
“Ah, Boo! Your wisdom is truly boundless!” Minsc exclaimed, and supposedly tried to follow the hamster’s advice by rolling himself over, somehow failing.
Lae’zel, though nearby, was of no help, being absolutely smashed after winning a drinking contest against a couple dwarves that Shadowheart had goaded her into. The githyanki was muttering incomprehensible things in her native tongue, while clumsily offering the drunk ranger still struggling on the floor a chair to continue the handstand demonstration on, all the while barely staying on her own two feet.
A heavily wine-tipsy Shadowheart sat next to the two, too busy laughing at the fallen ranger and the fumbling githyanki to try to help. She laughed hard enough to double over and ended up falling on the floor herself.
Gale was unable to help as he had been passed out for more than an hour after enjoying one glass of wine too many. He laid on his front on the floor near the fireplace, half-naked, all limbs spread open like a starfish.
Halsin was nowhere to be seen at first glance, but one could spot a snoring bear surrounded by a pile of empty honey mead bottles under the table near the counter.
Minthara sat smirking at the chaos from the opposite end of the tavern. Legs crossed on top of a table, wine glass in hand, unwilling to meddle and ruin the wild entertainment her companions provided her, while Scratch laid sleeping under her chair.
Jaheira snapped her attention back towards Astarion and gestured towards the chaos that had unraveled before them, beckoning him to go sort out the mess in her stead. The vampire spawn wrinkled his nose at the wordless suggestion, leaned back on his chair, extended his arm towards Alina and gave her shoulder a couple small clumsy pats, content on his less burdensome task. Jaheira scoffed at him and went to sort out the drunken mess.
Astarion watched the druid leave and emptied his wine goblet before turning to look at Alina. She was slowly getting over her most recent crying fit while Jaheira began to put things and people in order in the background.
Astarion gave Alina the best smile he could muster, uncomfortable and unsure how to approach the situation. He cleared his throat to get her attention.
“Darling, you look awful.”
Alina just nodded at him.
“… I know,” she sniffled and rubbed her swollen eyes.
She raised her head to stare at nothing in particular and contemplated her words before speaking up again.
“Is just… I love them so much. Wyll and Karlach. The Emperor too… well. The Emperor… in a way, sort of. I think,” Alina babbled and blinked, her inebriated state giving her great difficulty in grasping her thoughts.“I miss them already.”
Astarion nodded and refilled his wine goblet.“Well, there’s nothing much we can do for any of them at the moment. What’s done is done. The Netherbrain is defeated and the tadpoles are gone. Hooray for victory,” he sighed bitterly while taking another useless gulp of wine.
Alina caught him off guard when she suddenly climbed into his lap, practically draping herself over him. He had to put down his goblet to use both of his arms to prevent her from falling off.
“...sorry,” Alina mumbled against his shoulder.
“Pardon?” Astarion asked blankly while securing her against himself.
“I’m sorry… you can’t walk under the sun… anymore, it must have been painful...” she lifted her face to speak clearer and hugged him tighter.
“Oh, darling, that…”
“I love you too, you know.”
Astarion froze and stopped breathing for a solid minute. He would have liked to see Alina’s face, but she had leaned it out of view over his shoulder. He turned his head slowly towards her, burying his nose into her brown locks. She smelled of fresh apples, vanilla, booze and saltwater. A strange combination that shouldn’t have smelled as nice as it did.
“It’s not fair… You deserve happiness, true happiness…after everything… you went through,” she continued, caressing his back up and down in comforting motions. “I’m sorry we didn’t find… a solution, and you got hurt.” Alina’s fingers dug into the back of his jacket, crumpling it in her sloppy grasp.
Astarion was speechless. He felt his head slump against Alina’s, his arms hesitantly holding her back. He nodded, barely moving his head as he swallowed dryly.
Jaheira, in the meantime, was almost done getting everyone back up, patiently reprimanding Minsc for causing destruction, helping Shadowheart up from the ground and commanding Lae’zel to sit on the chair she was still holding onto.
“Well darling, if it’s any consolation…”
Alina hiccuped loudly, interrupting him.
Astarion rubbed her back.
“...As I was saying, if it-”
Alina hiccuped loudly again.
She pulled her upper body away from Astarion and met his gaze, eyes wide.
“Uh-HIC-huh?”
Astarion sucked in his lips for a brief moment, trying to keep himself from laughing. Alina hiccuped again while waiting for him to finish.
“I’m going to hold my breath.” Alina stated, drunkenly confident.
“I don’t think it’s a…”
But Alina had already inhaled deeply and was puffing out her cheeks, trying to hold her breath. Astarion had trouble keeping his composure. Another hiccup made Alina jump in place and she frowned with annoyance before she stubbornly inhaled more air into her lungs. Astarion stopped breathing alongside her, like a strange show of camaraderie.
Her face began to turn red, but the hiccup didn’t let up.
“Unlike me, you will eventually suffocate if you do not breathe, sweetheart,” Astarion reminded helpfully.
Alina shook her head at him, eyes scrunched shut so tightly she could pass for a mummy.
She hiccuped again.
The fury in Alina’s eyes was comically over the top when she was forced to exhale and start breathing again, the hiccup undefeated.
Astarion burst into laughter.
The momentary disappointment in Alina’s face was taken over by confusion, then a curious humor.
“What? Is my -HIC- struggle -HIC- funny to -HIC- you?” Alina chuckled to herself, trying to feign anger at Astarion.
“Oh yes. Yes it is, my sweet.” Astarion grinned wide, all sharp fangs interrupting rows of perfect teeth.
Alina grinned with him, still hiccuping every now and then.
“I… love hearing you laugh,” Alina said, somehow managing to stifle the hiccup.
Astarion settled, searching through Alina’s joyful gaze with his own.
“And seeing you grin like that,” she paused, pressing a finger against Astarion’s upper lip, parting it slightly to show one of his fangs.
Her focus was intense enough to forget about the hiccups.
“I think... your fangs are cute. Makes me think of… kissing them. Sometimes.” Alina focused on his lips and went quiet.
Her hiccups stopped, but she didn’t notice.
Alina began forming useless shapes with her mouth, face reddening while clearly struggling to think. She blinked rapidly, as if it would somehow help her form more coherent thoughts. Her eyes began to flicker between Astarion’s eyes and mouth.
“I… think about... kissing you… a lot, actually.”
Alina’s gaze met Astarion’s again, this time maintaining eye contact. She licked her lips and giggled shyly. Astarion nodded silently and licked his own lips, eyes staring unblinkingly at Alina. He raised a hand to gently cup her cheek, brushing his thumb over her freckles.
“Then… why don’t you?”
Alina’s smile was gone in an instant. The rest of her face bloomed red, the blush creeping all the way down to her neck and up to the tips of her ears. She swallowed nervously and grew hesitant.
“W-would it… be alright…?” she asked as a strained whisper.
Astarion smirked and tilted his head, raising a curious brow at her. He watched as Alina breathed slowly in front of him, waiting for his answer. He could hear the way her heart hammered inside her chest, pumping heated, alcohol filled blood through her veins. Even wasted beyond reason, she was still adorably considerate.
“If you want to.”
“W-where… would it be… alright to?”
“Anywhere you want, sweet Alina…” he purred her name and drank in the way she practically melted on his lap.
Alina nodded, the unfocused look in her eyes telling him that his words barely registered. She gave him a shy smile, then turned serious before lifting a clumsy hand to map out his face.
Astarion watched as Alina trailed her fingers up along his cheek, over his temple and brushed through some of the unruly curls covering his pointy ears. Her eyes met his gaze again and she gave him another shy, earnest grin.
“…cute,” she said and leaned closer to his face.
Her expression turned thoughtful once again as her fingertips brushed along Astarion’s cool skin, feeling it over like delicate silk. She finally shut her eyes and pressed a soft kiss on the hollow of his cheek, just below his cheekbone.
She pulled away with her face lowered, giggling like crazy. Astarion couldn’t help but grin with her.
“Is that all?” he asked her.
Alina’s alcohol-hazed thoughts scattered even more upon his question. Her golden eyes gleamed with reserved interest and she bit on her lower lip, shaking her head slowly.
“Well, go ahead then, love.”
Some kind of suffocated sound escaped Alina’s lungs before she nodded and raised a shaky hand to cup his face again. She pressed a soft kiss on his other cheek this time, pulled back with an unsure look, then kissed his cheek slightly higher after he blinked in confirmation.
From there, she didn’t need more encouragement and showered Astarion with kisses all over his face, his temples, forehead, jawline and even the tip of his nose, tactfully avoiding the area near his lips.
Her breath smelled heavily of a variety of different kinds of booze and her lips left warm, slightly moist patches wherever she pressed them.
Alina pulled away and tried to blink away the delirium caused by the kissing, cheeks deliciously flushed, lips gleaming slightly. Astarion maintained a smile throughout the whole show of affection, finding himself humming when Alina kissed closer to his ears.
Alina brushed her thumb against his chin and pressed one final kiss inside the borders of his laugh lines.She pulled back heaving and grinned.
“I… I think I’m drunk.”
Astarion chuckled.
“You think so?”
Alina nodded, dead serious.
“What do you want to do now, miss drunk?”
“I want to…”
Alina squirmed on Astarion’s lap and nestled herself against his chest, head rested just under the side of his jaw, eyes gazing upwards at him adoringly.
“I want to stay here, if it’s… alright with you?”
“Hmm-mmh. Perfectly fine, sweetheart.”
Alina smiled and placed her open palm against his chest.
“I love you a lot, you know.”
“I… think I do, darling,” he smiled down at her, raised a hand, and hesitated briefly before brushing it through her hair.
“Hmmm,” Alina hummed and leaned into the touch.
For the rest of the evening, Alina sat comfortably in Astarion’s embrace, lounging with him on the leather armchair in their private little corner, slowly sobering up while trying to sneak sips from his wine goblet and being tricked into drinking water instead.
She would thank him later for it, suffering a milder hangover compared to everyone else who drank.
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a-random-citrus · 17 days
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Anything can be your favorite ship if you try hard enough
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toughbunnyforever · 6 months
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maybe try writing him a note next time idk
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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 2 months
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Dungeon Meshi: The RPG
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turtleblogatlast · 6 months
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Mikey and Leo episode centered around Mikey wanting to push Leo and Draxum together since Leo’s the most reluctant to give Draxum any grace (for good reason!) But, thinking on the spot, Leo says he’s gotta go do something for Hueso and “just can’t hang out right now 😔” (yes, he says the emoji out loud.)
Mikey calls his bluff and now the three of them (Mikey having grabbed a weary Draxum along) go to Hueso’s to find that yes, he actually does have a job for him. Said job asks for Leo to go with Hueso to deliver multiple pizzas to this giant yokai quite a distance away, and Hueso figured it would probably go better with Leo’s help (emphasis on probably.)
Well, Mikey decides that this would be a great bonding opportunity for them and basically invites he and Draxum along. Unfortunately for Leo, Hueso doesn’t care enough to wave away more help, though he does side-eye the wanted criminal Baron Draxum coming with them. But who is he to judge? (This choice has consequences.)
The journey goes about as terribly as you’d expect, but at least the pizzas get delivered on time.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt mikey#rottmnt leo#rottmnt draxum#rottmnt hueso#listen you don’t understand#imagine mikey trying to get leo to accept draxum as a father figure only for this to push leo to purposefully turn to Hueso instead#idk I love when this accidental flaw of Mikey’s is explored and I think it meshes well with Leo’s own AND fits nicely with their dynamic#100% this ends with Leo & Hueso bonding and Mikey & Draxum bonding and Mikey & Leo bonding and even Hueso & Mikey a bit#but notably only a little Draxum & Leo - because it’s important that Leo isn’t forced to accept him imo#Leo realizing during all his denials of Draxum that oh you know who he DOES think of as family? Hueso#Draxum is trying mainly for Mikey’s sake#Hueso is too tired to care about all this family drama but is reluctantly worried about Pepino#Mikey just wants one big happy family because - that’s just easier y’know?#he tries so hard to work with everyone’s emotions that he just wants things to be easy for once#he wants love and family to be easier than it is - than has BEEN lately#gimme that heart to heart Mikey & Leo moment in this regard#by the end Leo DOES raise Draxum up a bit from ‘complete distrust’ to ‘mild side-eye’#but it’s a long ways off if he ever gets pushed into the family tier#and also#SO MUCH SLAPSTICK COMEDY and sarcastic comedy in this episode fr#and if you’re wondering-#yes they DO fight the Yokai monster they’re delivering the pizzas to#but they get paid so it’s whatever#kinda wanna attempt to copy the style of the show and make fake screenshots of this ‘episode’ ngl
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asleepinawell · 7 months
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every time i go through the end of ew and see the cs with zenos in sharlayan i have to stop and imagine his conversation with that customs lady at the docks when she asked what his job was and he would have gone off on one of his typical monologues about living for 'the hunt, the THRIIIIIIIIILL of bahttle the raw pulsing ecstacy of being locked together in combat, teeth at each other's throats, giving in to the huungaahh that can never be sated' etc etc and she would have been like uh huh so you're unemployed hmmm i see
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madame-helen · 2 months
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summers-art · 9 months
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this holiday Silver gets to have a bit of petty revenge, as a treat
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videodrme · 10 months
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YOU'RE NEXT (2011) is a comedy dir. Adam Wingard
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blindrapture · 5 months
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In 2011, I started writing a thing, on a whim. In 2013, I finished it. A lot of people seemed to love it? Then over the next decade, I put a lot of work into expanding and editing it, with plans for a complete physical book release that didn't happen. Well, here it is again. As an internet novel. A finished novel, this time.
I will start posting the story on May 21st, 2024. May 22nd will be a day of rest. And then, from May 23rd until October 21st, every day will see a new chapter-- a new log. ("F-Five months?? How long is this novel?" Oh yeah, good point. That won't actually get us to the end. There may be another eight, ten days of chapters afterwards. It is important, however, to emphasize the May 21 - October 21 model.)
I will make sure to put the bulk of the contents under "Read More" breaks, so each log won't clutter your browsing experience.
The logs will have art in them. Not as much as in the original draft, but there will still be some. As of May 1st, I expect art by Rappu, RealaChao, Wiratomkinder, and Vis.
I plan on supplementing the logs with the occasional post talking about the making and intention of the story. I dunno, it's gonna be a five-month distribution period, I'm gonna get antsy during that and am gonna want to ramble. That'll be separate content, though.
And when the story is fully and completely posted on tumblr, I will release the full novel on my Website, where I like to keep the rest of my creations. Both the tumblr novel and the Website novel will be free reading, forever. I reserve the right to try again at a paid physical edition afterwards.
So! That's it. Rapture is coming. OH GOD THE RAPTURE IS BURNING is coming.
Trigger Warnings: Sex, Gods, and Rock & Roll. (violence. some swear words. teenage angst, cringe. death. insects. surrealism. symbolism. unpredictability of what will be explained and what won't. sexual acts with dubious consent-- you will be able to skip that part. religious iconography. and so much prog rock.)
Get ready for it.
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oldcrystalmouth · 6 months
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I don't know if anyone is in the mood for the hilarious commissioner brothers.
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boos-gh0st · 2 months
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Guys I’m an aroace (mostly) romance repulsed person and I still banged my desk in “GOD DAMN IT WHY COULDNT IT BE THIS TIME” whenever Isabeau got interrupted during his confession
And yes I cheered and cried when they finally got things out in the open
The entire game I was obsessed with them
I am still obsessed with them
Everything in me hopes they have their happily ever after
I may dislike romance but the gays have ever so slightly won me over
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a-random-citrus · 8 days
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A second blueberry pie has hit the senior vice president
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part (v)two
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k-f-c-official · 9 months
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“there are no rules for being a man! if you feel like a man you are wrong!” actually in order to be a man you must:
be swift as a coursing river
have all the force of a great typhoon
have all the strength of a raging fire
be mysterious as the dark side of the moon
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yeeeoldbitch · 3 months
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Never Stop Blowing Up is incredible so far but I can’t believe they remembered ‘action movie logic’ in time to prevent us from seeing the ‘six bonkers individuals attempt to buy super-cars from a normal car dealership’
Absolutely robbed
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