#awkward humor

[ihaveaweirdidea]

out to dinner with friends - one of them mentioned adopting a cat and doing a DNA test...? to see what it is... other than a cat... they were explaining it but couldn't remember the name of the test - I blurted out "23 and Meow." ...

the conversation STOPPED. the entire group just stared at me in complete silence. then one speaks out, in a completely deadpan voice, "that is the funniest goddamn thing I have ever heard."

that's it - I've peaked. lol

[odd-and-obscure-memes]

[alicerader]

[wrathofrats]

WRATH YOUR TAGS ON THE SWISSALPS??? HOW DARE YOUUUU IM IN SHAMBLES FUCKKKKK IM GONNA KMS IF U DONT WRITE IT PLEASEEEEEEE

LMAO HI DONT DO THAT I GOT U BESTIE

Original post

I got carried away and blacked out and it became 2k, idk what happened either.

Swiss is so inexperienced and very anxious and mountain is the sweetest actually. This is so awkward because these two are dorks so good luck.

Small small mentions of blood but it’s taken as a joke.

It wasn’t long after Swiss was summoned that he truly started to understand the bands dynamic. Day in and day out of watching his pack mates eye each other like a piece of meat, constant touching and flirting and there was many parts of Swiss that yearned to be included in it.

He didn’t feel ready. Half split between feeling left out as the two ghoulettes he came with have been bonded and together since summon, and the other ghouls really seemed to take to them after a couple days anyways. It wasn’t like no one took to him, but he’s never propositioned, desired, at least not in his line of sight. He feels like he would be intruding if he were to say anything. So he waits.

The other half worries partially about being inexperienced. Never used a human body, barely has even touched himself and god he’s probably embarrassing, no one wants to be with someone so inexperienced right?

He continues to think about it. Fuck he practically studies the other ghouls and sex and whatever the fuck they’re doing together because when the time comes he doesn’t want to embarrass himself. He’s genuinely afraid he will just get laughed out of the room if he’s not ready though he’s sure he’s probably acting insane.

Truly Swiss has no clue what to think.

He sits on his bed, tosses a toy around in his hands. Nothing insane, something normal sized since he’s a beginner but he worries about it anyways. Hypothetically he knows where it’s supposed to go but

How?

He has no clue.

“I’ve seen dew take two before” rain smirks “shouldve seen him around me and aether, didn’t know the tight whore could do it!”

Does Swiss need to be able to take two?

He rolls the dildo in his hands again and gulps.

Maybe that’s a lesson for another day.

“Rain talks a big game but you should see how whiny he gets when he’s got a drop of blood in front of his nose. Had him drinking from my wrist the other day, he’d do anything for it” aether laughs

He almost winced hearing about it the first time. Never really considered… that being a part of things but ….. he can accept it if he has to, if that’s what the others want.

Swiss is probably getting ahead of himself.

He takes a deep breath and lays down in his bed, just stares at the toy in question because he really isn’t sure what to do with it. There’s no question of what he has to do but he doesn’t understand.

There’s a point where Swiss just decides to rip the bandaid off, reaches between his hiked up legs and pushes it into the tight ring of muscle.

It hurts, burns, doesn’t go in more than a millimeter and he thinks he’s probably fucked it up somehow or maybe he’s just awful or whatever other reason but he decides to simply give up for the night. The worries left to eat at him for the next day.

The morning is really no better for his mind. Stands at the kitchen counter lost in thought before anyone else comes in, the boisterous laughter breaking him out of his anxiety induced trance.

“Feeling ok sunbeam?” Mountain gives him a worried look, standing next to him to lean on the marble.

“Yeah! Didn’t sleep well, I’m fine”

“Well if you ever want help sleeping just let me know” mountain winks at him.

Was that?

It couldn’t be. Right?

Did mountain just finally proposition to fuck him?

He can’t say no. He’s come too far and wanted it too bad so he has to go to his room tonight right?

Questions race around Swiss’ brain. He’s the bottom right? Mountain is like a foot taller than him so that has to be it? But what if he that’s not correct and mountain gets offended? What if the rest of the pack hears and hates him? What if-

He desperately needs his brain to shut the fuck up.

The hours pass like molasses. Swiss swears every time he checks his watch after he’s sure it’s been an hour it’s really only been 10 minutes.

What time is he even supposed to go up there?

God he wishes more than anything he could stop this anxiety.

Swiss decides around 10 pm is good. Late enough for a reasonable bedtime but early enough he knows mountain won’t actually be asleep.

Mountain is shirtless, wearing low grey sweatpants when he answers the door. Swiss thinks he may be drooling but attempts to collect himself enough to speak.

“Didn’t think you’d actually come up here, been waiting for you to come to one of us sunbeam” mountain chuckles and motions through the open door to invite him in.

“Been waiting for you myself, hard to ignore such a big guy like you” Swiss pushes himself against mountain. He’s heard in pornos that men like to be called big. That was right to say, right?

“Didn’t know you were so eager” mountain smiles and lightly shoves Swiss onto the bed, straddling his small waist against the sheets.

“Course I’m eager, been waiting for this for ages, want to drink the blood from your wrist” Swiss winks.

Mountain sits up, “what?” He looks at him confused.

Did Swiss do it wrong? Aether made it seem like that was normal….

“I- um …. Yeah, want you to fuck me stupid, make me your whore?” He loses all confidence to his voice, looks scared to even say it and the concerned expression on mountains faces turns to laughter. So he really did fuck it up huh.

“Swiss…… have you done this before?” Mountain gets out between laughs.

Swiss should probably get up, leave with his tail between his legs and god he’s going to be laughed of the band for this,

“No… I’m sorry I ruined it I’ll go-“

“No! You don’t have to do that. Didn’t expect you to know.” Mountain smiles at him “come here, can I teach you? You sure you want this?”

A large hand caresses Swiss’s waist. Mountain moves him against the pillows, studying his language for any sign of hesitation or regret.

“Please” Swiss mumbles

It’s cute to watch him suddenly so shy, came in like a speeding bullet but now can’t look mountain in the eye.

“How much do you know? Have you ever touched yourself sunbeam?” Oh the tone to mountains voice should not be turning Swiss on but god it’s deep and gravely and yeah Swiss definitely may be desperate.

“No.. I tried but I don’t … know how? I’m sorry-“

“Don’t apologize, you’re ok, you’re safe here”

Swiss does feel safe. Safe enough to let mountain undress him, gently lift his shirt over his head and unbutton his pants.

“I’m going to touch you, alright? Tell me immediately if you start to feel strange” mountain caresses his cheek, staring into his warm brown eyes before reaching down for his hardening cock. It doesn’t take much for it to stiffen up fully, just a couple of touches and Swiss is hard against his stomach, still watching for mountains next move.

“There we go, gonna move your knees up. Is it ok if I put my fingers in you? Need to stretch you out if you still want me to fuck you”

Swiss just nods in agreement, bites his lip in favor of speaking and watches as mountain pours some kind of thick liquid onto his fingers.

“Just lube, it’s going to help”

It feels weird at first, more like some kind of intrusion than any mind numbing pleasure he’s heard about it. Swiss moans anyways, doesn’t want to hurt mountains feelings if it’s really supposed to feel good.

“Swiss…. It’s ok it’s not supposed to feel good yet, you don’t have to fake it for me” mountain laughs at the multi ghouls rapidly reddening face

“Besides, you won’t have to fake it here soon”

It’s embarrassing that a drop of pre bubbles at his tip just from that sentence. Mountains smile doesn’t drop, only a little cocky from the situation.

After three fingers mountain starts to push deeper, rolling them up instead of scissoring and-

Oh.

Swiss nearly yelps, vision blurs and jumps off the bed when mountain hits something inside of him.

“There you go, did you like that?” He laughs. God he needs mountain to stop laughing at him, needs his cock to stop jumping at his laughter too.

“Think you’re ready? Still ok?”

“Please” Swiss whines

The first inch feels wrong again. Nothing like when he did it the other night but mountain is much bigger than his toy and it honestly feels like it may be too much. He holds his breath, the stretch knocking the air from his lungs anyways but he grips the sheets and waits for mountain to sink the rest of the way in.

It’s overly slow, mountain being overly caring as always but he can feel every inch carve its way into him and he just waist for mountain to be down so he can collect himself.

“You’re ok, promise I’ll make you feel so good alright? You’re doing so well”

Swiss mentally notes the way his words make him see stars. That’s a kink to deal with another day.

“Gonna move ok?”

The outward thrust feels like it takes years, before mountain quickly moves back in him, trying to loosen him up before really taking him and mountain deserves an award in patience for being able to control himself for so long with Swiss so hot and tight around him.

“Fuck mount- feels- mountain-” Swiss gasps once mountain gets to pace. Eyes closed tight and mouth agape. Soft moans and whimpers escaping his lips and Swiss throws his hand over his mouth to attempt to silence himself.

Mountain quickly grabs his wrists, holding them above his head, “wanna hear you, wanna hear what I’m doing to you, fuck- Swiss want you to be loud for me”

A hot pit forms in Swiss’s stomach, burns in his abdomen and has his eyes crossing with the feeling,

“Mountain- I think I’m getting close I- please i think I’m going to-“ Swiss doesn’t even get the sentence out before he’s spilling hot and thick all over his stomach.

“There you go, fuck Swiss, so good feel so fucking good wrapped around me”

Mountain cums not moments later, pulls out and jacks himself onto the sheets as to not be ungentleman like for Swiss’s first time.

“Feeling alright Swiss?”

“Holy fucking shit I get it now”

[snowshinobi]

hear me out: divorce ceremonies. divorce cake and divorce outfits. toasts to the uncouple spoken by the Worst Man and Maid of Dishonor (gender neutral). separate piles of gifts for the freshly parted, stuff like nice sheets and Target giftcards and cookbooks. marriage gets to have all this ritual attached to it and by god divorce deserves some of that action

[aramblingjay]

#5 times geralt tries to make ciri smile + 1 time he succeeds

[adorkabletwilightandfriends]

Adorkable Twilight & Friends - “Parental Differences"

Merry Christmas everyone!

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Adorkable Twilight & Friends Deviant Art

[thebramblewood]

Even when she's fending off hunger pangs, Helena's got a weak spot for the sexy brash alternative girls (bonus points if they're named Lilith).

Previous / Next

Chapter 4: The Art of Dark Meditation

Helena, thinking: You are not hungry. You are not hungry. You are not h-

[stomach grumbles loudly]

I guess it's back to the drawing board.

-

Julia: Whoa. Where ya off to looking like that?

Helena: Ugh, do I look ridiculous? Is my makeup awful?

Julia: No, you actually kinda look like a million bucks. No more migraine?

Helena: It's under control for now.

Julia: Wait! You didn't answer my question.

Helena: Maybe because it's none of your business. Keep out of trouble, kiddo, and don't stay up past your bedtime.

Julia: But-

Helena: Don't make me call a babysitter.

-

Darling: Helena! You managed to track me down. Guess I owe you that free drink now, huh?

Helena: Oh, I really don't need-

Lilith (Pleasant): One more round, Dar?

Darling: Another round of EAPAs coming up! I'll make you the cocktail of your dreams once I'm finished here, H.

Helena: [stealing discreet glances] No worries. I can wait.

[indistinct conversation]

Darling: Helena, you've barely even touched it! Are my mixology skills that hopeless? I've been practicing!

Helena: Sorry. It's great. I'm just a little... distracted.

Darling: [chuckles] Yeah, that's obvious.

Helena: Who is she? I thought I knew everyone in this place.

Darling: She's new in town, I think. Looks like a tough nut to crack but seems nice enough. Good tipper at least. God, what is her name? I think it's...

Lilith: [faintly overheard] Well, I should pack it in or I'll hate myself in the morning.

Helena: Thanks for the drink, but I've got to go.

Darling: What's with you and the hasty exits these days? [sighs resignedly] Well, good luck chasing down your new lady.

[my-castles-crumbling]

There are some things that I just refuse to believe are real. Like people who actually make a doctor's appointment when they're supposed to and don't put it off for months? Nobody could possibly do that.

[mandareeboo]

Listen you guys can ship whoever the hell you want from my stories but for the love of god keep the characters as consistent as you can. I wanna read it and go "oh fuck they have a point"

[miradelletarot]

So, I requested from Tim if he would write wedding vows from Gale to Sagora, and I woke up to this cute and funny little thing this morning. 🥰

If you're reading my series, you'll notice something Gale said at the end. 😉 He did such a lovely job, and really did a wonderful job following the notes I sent him 🥹

Though if this were *actually* Gale, his vows would likely be 30 minutes long 😂

[atths--twice]

Rediscovering the Thrill

What may have happened while they were staying at The Falls when Mulder left the bedroom telling Scully that the thrill was gone.

Fictober day 4 prompt 9: I wouldn't do that if I were you.

The thrill is gone. 

The words Mulder had said when he left the room kept repeating in her ears as she straightened up while she waited for her face mask to dry. 

The thrill is gone. 

How could it be gone when it had never even started? At least not in the way he was implying. Not how Rob would mean it if he was speaking to Laura. 

She knew he was teasing her, acting the part of a hurt husband, but still… 

Picking up his shoes, she placed them on a shelf in the closet. Seeing his sweatshirt had been left on the bed, she sighed as she snatched it up to hang it in the closet.

The thrill is gone. 

Is that what he wants? she wondered, placing the sweatshirt on the hanger. A thrill? Something that isn’t who we are? Does he want to be someone else? For me to be someone else? Or is it our thrill that’s gone? 

“Hey, Scully,” Mulder said, poking his head around the corner. 

“Jesus Christ, Mulder,” she said, dropping his sweatshirt and looking at him in exasperation. 

“Sorry,” he said, tapping his fingers against the doorjamb. “Didn’t mean to scare you.” 

“Yeah, well,” she huffed, picking up the sweatshirt and hanging it with a bit more force than was needed. “Did you need something?”

“It’s still early,” he said rather sheepishly and she raised her eyebrows, waiting. “I know I won’t be sleeping anytime soon. You wanna watch a movie or something?” 

She stared at him, crossing her arms and drawing in a breath. 

“You don’t have to, but-” 

“No, I…” she said with a quick nod. “I will.” 

“I mean I don’t know what’s on, but…” 

“It’s still early,” she finished and he nodded, tapping his fingers on the doorjamb again. “Maybe we could see what’s inside that gigantic basket Pat gave us.” He grinned and she attempted to smile back, but her skin felt tight. She touched her face and nodded. “You go open it, I’ll wash this off and join you.”

“You got it, Mrs. Petrie.” 

“Shut up,” she said, pushing him out of her way as she walked to the bathroom. She heard him laughing as he left the room and she smiled slightly. 

Ten minutes later, she walked into the kitchen to find the contents of the entire basket laid on the counter as Mulder looked at it dubiously. 

“Nothing good?” she asked and he sighed. 

“I don’t know. It’s all so… frou frou-y.”

“Frou frou?” she teased. 

“Yeah. They’re not brands I recognize. Look at this one, what’s that name? I can’t make it out. Solare’s? Sss… Salane’s? I can’t tell.” 

“They’re crackers,” she said, looking at the box and then at him. “Take them, the salami, and that cheese and I’ll grab a knife and a plate.” 

“The wine too, or no?” he asked and she shook her head with a slight frown. 

“No, the wine at dinner made me feel… I don’t know. I don’t want any. But you go ahead if you want.” 

“Nah. It’s not exactly my first choice, especially this one from… Zairess? Seriously, what is this? Where did Pat get these things?” 

“Probably some hoity toity shop somewhere. Gotta keep up with those appearances, right?” she asked as she opened cupboards and drawers searching for what she needed. 

“I would hate to live in a place like this,” he said and she snorted. “No shit,” she said, rolling her eyes. Shaking her head, she finally found what she was looking for and grabbed a large plate and a sharp knife. 

“But you wouldn’t mind it.” 

“Living somewhere where neighbors help each other out? That’s not so bad.” 

“But dinners at their house? Tuna casserole dinners, Scully? ZZ Top wine?” He gestured to the bottle he had put back into the basket and she laughed. “From the finest little shop in San Diego, but still…” His eyes widened and he stepped backward out of the kitchen as she followed. 

“At least the tuna was dolphin safe,” she deadpanned and he grunted. 

“Not as safe in my stomach. It definitely did not agree with me.” 

“Proper food can have that effect on a body used to only eating takeout and microwave dinners.” 

“Are you knocking my frozen meatloaf meals, Scully? How can you when it’s made for hungry men like me?” 

She laughed again as they sat down on the couch and she set the plate and knife on the coffee table. He added the salami and cheese, opening the box of crackers and then the bag inside. Placing some on the plate, he picked one up and took a bite, chewing thoughtfully. 

“Not terrible,” he stated, chewing again. “But definitely dry. I’ll go get us some water.” 

“Hmm,” she hummed with a nod as she opened the salami and began slicing pieces of it and laying them beside the crackers. 

Mulder came back and snatched a piece as he set the glasses of ice water on the coffee table. 

“Hmm. That’s good. Zany Tony makes a good salami.” 

Scully laughed as she opened the cheese and started slicing it. 

“Who makes this cheese?”

“It said Wandering Willows Farm on the package.” 

“The fuck it did,” he laughed, reaching for the wrapper and looking at it. “Tira’s Cheese. Tira.” He looked at her and shook his head as he dropped it back onto the coffee table. “Your name was better.” 

“If I ever decide to throw all this away,” she said, waving the knife to indicate the room at large. “I’ll become a cheese maker and call it Wandering Willows, just for you.” 

“It’s a solid plan. People do love cheese.” He tried to take a slice, but she stopped him by blocking his hand. 

“I have a sharp knife in my hand. I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” 

“But, Scullyyyy,” he whined. “Tuna casserole.” She shook her head and snorted out a laugh. “With white wine, need I remind you.” 

“No,” she said with a shiver. “You don’t need to remind me. I think Tira’s vineyard made that wine too.” 

“Ha!” he exclaimed, bumping her with his shoulder and laughing quietly. “Cheese and wine. You’ll have some stiff competition at ol’ Wandering Willows.” 

“I can take her,” she said, finishing with the cheese and setting the knife down. 

Picking up two slices of cheese, she handed him one. They nodded as they tried it, watching each other as they chewed. 

“It’s… cheese,” he stated and she nodded in agreement. “It’s not bad.” 

“But it’s not great.” 

“Better than tuna casserole.” 

“Hell yes it is,” she said, reaching for another piece as well as a cracker and a piece of salami. “Let’s see how all three are together.” 

He prepared a cracker for himself and they nodded once again as they took a bite. 

“Oh, that’s good. Much better as a combo,” he said, shoving the rest of it into his mouth. 

“Yeah,” she agreed. “Much better.” 

“Does it need mustard? I think there’s a jar of Zoreli’s in that basket. Or Tortoroni’s Tangy Mustard.” 

“Is it Zoreli’s and Sons? Because I really prefer that brand over just Zoreli’s.” 

He laughed as he began stacking the salami and cheese onto another cracker and she smiled as she did the same. 

“Wandering Willows will have to speak to the Zoreli’s about an exclusive deal to work with them.” 

“It’s in the bag. One of my employees is sleeping with the boss of the Zoreli family. They made an offer they couldn’t refuse,” she said in her best Brando voice and he choked on his cracker when he started laughing. 

He reached for his glass of water, choking and sputtering, as she thumped him on his back and chuckled softly. 

“Scully,” he said in a strained voice after he had taken a few large drinks, shaking his head and coughing as he laughed again. 

“You want into the Willows… you’re then in until you die.” 

“Or you’re given a pair of cement shoes,” he said with another cough. 

“Meh…” she said with a shrug. “You gotta protect the family.” 

“I never knew the cheese/wine/mustard business had such a dark side.” 

“Why do you think you don’t recognize the brands we’re eating tonight? The others…” She ran her thumb slowly across her throat and his eyes widened. “We don’t play at the Willows.” 

He smiled slowly, shaking his head as he stared at her. She smiled back and then looked at the television. 

“Are we still going to watch a movie?” 

“Yeah,” he said, smiling as he set his glass down and reached for the remote. “Yeah, we are.” 

He flipped through the channels until he landed on something, glancing at her for her approval. She nodded, not really caring what they watched. He set the remote down and made up another cracker to eat. 

They watched the movie in near silence, eating their snack and drinking their water. 

But every once in a while, he glanced at her and shook his head as he laughed through his nose. She smiled and shrugged, an entire conversation being spoken without saying a word. 

What do you think now, Mulder? she thought, looking at him out of the corner of her eye. Is our thrill still gone? Do you-?

“Is being bedfellows the only way into a place of employment at Wandering Willows?” he asked, pulling her from her thoughts. 

“Not always,” she said, carefully considering her words. “All options for employment are taken into consideration.” 

“So if it’s beneficial to the farm…” 

“Or if the person is just really good looking…” she said with a shrug and he smiled. 

“And they own a mustard farm…” 

“Or a fruit farm. We’re always looking to expand. And if we can lock down jellies… well…” She sucked air in through her teeth and he threw his head back as he laughed. 

Yeah, she thought with a smile. The thrill is definitely still there.

[mymangamemes]

Hello

From Sono Kao Mitara, Gaman wa Dekinai by Yareya Umako

[dirtychainsawconfessions]

I think that LG would be horrible at sex. Like he's the type to be balls deep and say something cringe.

[ness-rangel]

[1000-directions]

so earlier this week we had a work lunch and one of my coworkers was telling a story about some woman who slowly poisoned her husband and his family over a long course of time and i decided to say, as a joke, 'wow when i start something new i usually give up after a few weeks, sounds like it would take a lot of dedication and commitment to see something like that through' and NO ONE LAUGHED and now everyone i work with thinks i'm a sociopath