#because apparently no matter what I say I'm wrong. because autism.

[ingravinoveritas]

I mean no disrespect, but I wonder if you realise that probably all the main plot points of Staged are scripted? Including acting cues like David and Michael touching, comforting, asking who is the big spoon etc. “Georgia says we’re like a married couple” doesn’t actually mean Georgia said it, it means Simon Evans wrote this line for David.

I see in your profile that you’re on the spectrum, and I am not sure if that’s one of the reasons it’s hard for you to discern the difference maybe? (Again, no intended disrespect. Please take this as a well meaning message from a well wisher. My brother is on the spectrum and he has a tendency to do this). The show is so meta at this point, it’s understandable if it felt confusing and hopeful maybe.

But we have to keep in mind that they’re simply actors with amazing chemistry, and the entire show dynamic is playing on that. In reality, their friendship may be very different to how it is portrayed. Not to mention, the romantic components are just for show. They can play so much on it mainly because David and Michael are both men in committed heterosexual relationships. This is not coming from a homophobic place either, considering (like the rest of tumblr) I definitely ship Aziraphale and Crowley romantically. But the actors themselves, well, I don’t think it’s healthy to go there?

Anyway sorry this was very long. Please take care of yourself.

Hello, Anon.

There are a lot of things I’d like to say in response to this. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with the concept of “benevolent ableism.” I’d like to explain it, but first it might help if I give an example of malevolent ableism.

Four years ago, I was interviewed for a movie about the first person ever officially diagnosed with autism, which is based on the best-selling book of the same name. The movie is set to premiere nationally in the U.S. on PBS next week, and they’ve begun doing promotion on social media ahead of it. In the post PBS made on Facebook the other day, someone left a comment calling autistic people “feeble-minded vermin” and insisted on the “complete and total extermination” of autistic people “on a global basis.”

This is something that we would immediately recognize as ableism. It’s hateful, it’s angry, and it calls for actual genocide against autistic people. Because in this world, this is the mentality that some people actually have toward people on the spectrum--that we are different, less, inferior. “Other.” And they are making their feelings about that difference very clear, and in no uncertain terms. Of course, this is an extreme example, and not necessarily something most of us are likely to encounter in our day to day lives.

Which, then, is where “benevolent ableism” comes into the picture. What this term tends to refer to is when neurotypical people speak or behave in ways that are hurtful and demeaning to autistic/neurodivergent people while under the pretense of being “helpful,” “kind,” or even “well-meaning.”

It’s things like telling someone “Oh, you’re too pretty to be autistic.” It’s deciding a place/situation is “too much” for an autistic person and convincing them to leave because you think you know “what’s best” for them. And in this case, it’s assuming that I must not know the difference between fiction and reality because of my autism and writing in to tell me that I am “wrong” about Staged because of it.

The common thread in all of these is something called “infantilization.” This happens when autistic adults are treated as children in big bodies and believed to not have the capacity to understand things solely on the basis of being autistic--regardless of chronological age, developmental level, or any other factors.

This is what I feel you have done here, Anon. You are talking down to me, but I am not a teenager, and I’m certainly not a child. I’m an adult woman, and if you’d spent more than five minutes on my blog, you would know that I have shipped Michael and David since 2019, long before Staged was even close to being a thing. My reasons for shipping them have nothing to do with the show or a script...but I get the sense that that doesn’t make much of a difference to you.

Because I’ve gotten plenty of hater Anons due to shipping Michael and David in the past, but this? This is by far the worst. I would rather get Anons calling me the R-word or any other of the many names I’ve been called, because at least I know where they stand. But when you use the words “well meaning” and “no disrespect” and then proceed to talk to me the way you have here...I am truly at a loss.

There are so many things I could tell you. I could tell you that I have a Masters degree. I could tell you I’ve spoken at the United Nations twice. I could tell you I’ve given a TED talk. I could tell you that I completely and wholeheartedly disagree with nearly everything you’ve said about Staged and Michael/David’s dynamic and what was scripted, and provide multiple examples and thought-out, compelling arguments explaining my rationale.

But none of it would matter, because you took one look at my blog and all you saw was “autism.”

Not me. Not Amy. Just “autism,” and everything you believe that means. And in doing so, you have insulted not only my intelligence, but my humanity.

Yet I’m supposed to believe you “mean no disrespect” (I think you did) and that you are not homophobic (I think you are). Or at least biphobic, because even though Michael and David are in straight-passing relationships, it does not automatically mean they are straight.

(Nor does it mean that is the reason they felt comfortable playing up the romantic elements of Staged 3, an argument that absolutely makes no sense to me because--and you would also know this if you’d read my blog--the last thing I think Michael or David would ever do is queer-bait or specifically play something like that as a joke.)

If only one thing comes out of me answering your Anon, I hope it’s this: I am in a place of confidence now. I know who I am. But I also know that if another autistic or ND person had gotten this message, it could have destroyed them. Your words are the words we’ve heard before--from parents, from teachers, even lovers--and they are no less dehumanizing as we get older.

I know that I don’t know you, or your brother, Anon. But if I got this feeling from your attitude, I can almost guarantee that he has gotten it, too, and that it has affected the way he sees himself. He may not say it to you, may not express it, but the things you say and the way they make him feel live in a place deep inside, and that is something that never fully goes away.

So I hope you will take this as an opportunity. An opportunity to learn, and to do better. Because I deserve more than to be seen as the sum of my limitations. I deserve to be seen as Amy, as the woman I am, of whom part, but not all, is being autistic.

 I deserve better than this. And so do all autistic people.

[shirtlessradfahrer]

hi sorry I disappeared for like two weeks but I was overwhelmed with the news that there's a significant chance I may be on the autism spectrum (and possibly have a nice side helping of adhd) which if true has a fuckton of implications for how poorly many, many things throughout my life have played out, so needless to say I am not doing very well

(and by that I mean I was mostly crying on and off for days, and then cried some more when I realized it will cost thousands if I want to get a proper assessment done and I'm not confident my insurance would cover all of it, and also depending on how much my hours continue to be cut this month I may not even have said insurance for much longer at all hahahaha)

[do-you-know-this-adhd-character]

Do you know this (noncanon) ADHD character?

SPECIFICALLY THE VERSION FROM DUCKTALES (2017)

Evidence below the cut!

There were two submissions for this one!

Submission 1: honestly i'm surprised dewey hasn't been submitted yet bc he's like. "classic adhd personality type". he's hyperactive, impulsive, easily distracted, and HATES being bored. the official character bio describes him as "quick to throw himself into dangerous situations without thinking" and in the pilot episode gets distracted mid-conversation ("stop! scrooge was trying to keep me out of trouble, but i was so caught up in- why is there a lamp on the floor?") what REALLY sealed the deal for this headcanon, however, was the rsd he displays, bc this kid desperately wants to be loved by everyone and is absolutely crushed when that doesn't happen. his dream world is a high school musical-type high school where he's the mascot and star (nightmare on killmotor street); he had a panic attack because he tried playing a heel in a wrestling match and the crowd kept booing him (rumble for ragnarok); and in one episode started crying bc he thought he disappointed his mom (raiders of the doomsday vault). (speaking of his mom, there's loosely enough evidence to point to her being adhd too, and you know what they say about it running in families.)

Submission 2:

i could go on for AGESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS about dewey and the adhd headcanon. i am going to write a bunch of stuff, but it probably won't turn out very well (i write worse when i'm passionate about something lmao) why i see him as adhd: he has EXTREME rejection sensetivity dysphoria, which to me is most apparent in the money tree and boxing episodes (which i have inconveniently forgotten the names of). he requires attention and love to feel fulfilled, and will go to great lengths to be praised. he hates failure and the idea of being a dissapointment, so he goes to great lengths to prove his worth. he tends to be stupidly stubborn, not backing out of something even if it would put him in serious danger. he's also very impulsive -- jumps into dangerous situations without thinking about the consequence, all that matters is that it's exciting! he's SUPER energetic, and a small detail i noticed is that he doesn't seem to fall asleep easily? he's very chatty, there's an entire episode where he gets involved in a gang of sky pirates because he really, really wanted to talk about a hat he found. a lot of his decisions are irrational or generally just based on strong emotions?? he's definetly more of a thinker than a feeler. ("stop assuming i know things, ok? baseline, assume i know NOTHING!") he exaggerates his emotions or the severity of situations a lot. very easily distracted (or at least pays attention to the wrong thing? like, when they're offered to test out godhood, when they're told they're going to do "god auditions", dewey seems to miss out the "god" part and just does a dance routine (his reaction to realising he messed up is too funny to me, and his dance was actually really good imo) he's constantly breaking into song, uses his name as a pun almost constantly, and has a catchphrase he uses regularly. it's his 'character trait' (i'm not entirely sure how this relates to adhd but like. it makes sense to me) WAY too curious for his own good. generally just really hyperactive? goofs off when it's not really appropriate. i feel like there has been moments where he's been shown stimming before. (ik huey has for sure i'm not totally certain about dewey tho) also he's voiced by BEN SCHWARTZ. that guy seems to want to voice adhd-hi characters that are represented with the colour blue. ICONIC anyways that's all for my silly rambling. dewey and huey are the ultimate adhd autism solidarity duo btw

[lizardperson]

this is my human costume

[on ao3]

fandom: original work rating: g cw: implied bullying, parent death/loss of parent mention, autistic alienation wc: 751 prompt: #fff265 galaxies away for @flashfictionfridayofficial

---

Eleonor was a strange creature. A weird kid. An alien, alone among humans, somehow transported to Earth from a faraway galaxy. On an expedition to study them, perhaps.

Of course, Eleonor knew they weren't really an alien. They're human like everyone else, their brain just worked a little differently. A few years ago Dad had explained what autism is, and that it was the reason they had a hard time playing with the other children and why the world got a bit too much occasionally. Dad said it's fine, no big deal, but people might make it a big deal. "Some people don't like it when someone is different. But that's their problem, not yours." So yes, El got picked on by the other kids - they didn't care too much. In a way, it was just another point for the alien expedition report. Now that they were in middle school, the mean remarks had gotten more, though. Maybe the new school would be better. Maybe it would be worse. "Maybe you'll make some friends!" El never particularly understood that concept.

"Ellie - sorry, Eleonor," Dad corrected himself immediately, "meet Quinn. Remember, I told you about her? She's Victor's daughter?" El knew how happy Dad was to move here, now being practically neighbors with his oldest friend - because he had said so repeatedly, and because of the smile all over his face. They still had trouble sometimes telling apart a fake smile and a real one with most people, but that one definitely was real. The dark-haired girl beside him on the other hand looked very much not happy, crossing her arms in front of her chest and frowning.

"I'm sure you two will be friends," he predicted, perhaps a bit too optimistic, and left Quinn standing in El's room.

As soon as he was out of the door, Quinn dropped down on the bed, arms still crossed. "Just for the record, I'm not looking for any friends, and I'm too old for fucking playdates anyway," she stated.

"Okay. Me too." El turned back to their book, glad this matter was apparently settled and they were in agreement.

After a few minutes of silence, Quinn at least uncrossed her arms and made herself a bit more comfortable on the bed. "So. Ellie."

"Eleonor. Or just El," they corrected without looking up from the book.

"Why not Ellie?"

"Because Mom used to call me that. But I never really liked it much."

"She died, didn't she?"

El closed their book and looked up. "Yeah. Last year." They didn't mind talking about it, but a lot of people got really strange when the topic came up. A few adults even got weirdly touchy and wanted to comfort them for some reason? El wasn't exactly a fan. A lot of kids their age either shrugged it off because they couldn't relate to it, or got sad because they were suddenly confronted with the fact that their parents might be mortal.

"I wish my mom was dead too."

That was a reaction El hadn't gotten before. Curious. "Why?"

"'She's dead' sounds nicer than 'she got tired of me and dumped me with my dad'," Quinn shrugged and crossed her arms again. "Not that I wanted to stay with her anyway. I hate her."

El studied the other girl and went through the mental checklist of emotions, landing on either 'angry' or 'sad'. Option one would mean to calm her down somehow before that anger turned towards El, and option two would mean comforting her. El was pretty bad at both those things, in their own opinion, and had learned from experience that picking the wrong option usually made everything worse.

"Yeah, makes sense." Maybe that would just end the conversation.

Quinn raised an eyebrow. "What, aren't you going to tell me what a horrible thing to say that is? What a terrible and ungrateful child I am? Because surely my mom loves me very much, and all that bullshit?"

El shrugged. "I don't know your mom, so I have no opinion on her."

Quinn frowned and stared at them for a few moments. "You're a weird one."

"So I've been told," El chuckled. "I'm just an alien from a faraway galaxy, visiting Earth or something."

"Well, your human disguise is pretty good. I like it." Quinn smiled a little, and El was reasonably sure that was a real smile. "You know what, I think I might be an alien too."

"Nice to meet you then, fellow extraterrestrial."

[aftermathing]

essay I wrote about happy feet autism allegory after watching it in an mri when I was like 17

I also think a lot about how Mumble from Happy Feet was autistic, there's no other way to look at it. You could read it as gay but he ends up with Gloria so he isn't and I'm autistic so I will read it that way. Right when he's born Mumble is fidgeting and jumping and dancing and expressing how happy he is to be alive by showing it physically, dancing is his stimming. He doesn't have coordination, he's dancing so hard he jams his little beak into Memphis' pengussy while trying to sit on his feet. Memphis dropped him in a blizzard as an egg, so he blames himself for his son being broken, and he absolutely thinks Mumble is broken and weird and it's all his fault. Norma Jean comes home from fishing season and Memphis is embarrassed of how his son acts, and she asks what the matter is with him. Memphis replies "it's just a little thing he's got goin on now, he'll get over it." And Norma Jean expresses how cute she thinks it is.

They send him to school, in which the ONLY rule apparently in penguin society is that you need to be able to sing to find love. Mumble doesn't really understand this weird rule, and, after listening to his two friends' cool songs, spits out a five-pronged raspberry instead of a song. Everyone makes fun of him, and Ms Viola corrects him and sings an example to copy. Instead of singing, Mumble screams. He looks so focused, he's genuinely trying, but everyone in Emperorland hears his outburst, and Noah, the leader, says "isn't that the *offspring* of Memphis and Norma Jean? The little wee hippity-hopper??" and Mumble continues to scream.

Bits of ice fall on his classmates' heads. *Ms Viola looks flabbergasted that this fucking two-day-old baby can't sing.* "A-A penguin without a heartsong...... well it's hardly a penguin at *all....*" She says, to this two day old BABY'S FACE.

They send him to a tutor, the best in town, and she tells him to think of a feeling, let it fill him, and be spontaneous with it. He starts dancing. He starts dancing *hard* he's expressing himself the best way he knows how, he does a sick slide down the bank. Mrs. Estrican starts sobbing and snapping her spine on an ice chunk, screaming that she's a failure and Mumble is a failure.

Mumble begs his parents to let him go fishing with them instead of going to stupid singing school where everyone hates him. Memphis says he isn't trying hard enough.

Mumble is now an outcast. He spends his time on the top of a fucking ice shelf just dancing his little heart out. He is attacked by huge skua birds and forced into a hole, where he curls up and starts crying, all alone on a fucking ice shelf.Graduation day! Mumble still outwardly looks like a child, he only shed the bottom half of his feathers, and his head is still round and his break is still short. The school isn't letting him graduate. Norma Jean supports him, and wants him to go up there anyway. Memphis is more embarrassed of his son than he was on day one. It's his fault, and the penguin elders gossip about him, his son is a dud, how did the two most beautiful singers in the land make a dud son?? What's wrong with him??

Fast forward: graduation party. They literally tell Mumble to kill himself because he doesn't have fun like the rest of them, and his excited yelling is hurting their ears. "Take a flying leap! You're spoiling it for everybody!!" And they force him onto an ice sheet and send him into the open fucking ocean. He's chased by a massive leopard seal into a different area entirely: Adeleland. Everyone acts different from even him here, they have strange traditions, he's shocked when he learns that adeles don't have heartsongs.

He returns to Emperorland with his new friends. It is revealed that he still can't sing when he uses Ramón's voice as his own. His childhood friend Gloria is embarrassed of him. Mumble insists, no, it's okay, I can still be useful, see! He kicks up a little beat for her. She sings to it, it's super funky, everyone starts singing and dancing to Mumble's beat, all of Emperorland is for once seeing Mumble's difference as a good thing, everyone is having the time of their lives, they've never danced like this before!!

Noah screams that they're all being disgraces to the penguin ancestors, penguins are not meant to sing. He says this heresy is the reason of the famine. "Happy feet can't cause a famine!!" Mumble refutes.

They argue, Memphis hurries up to try to stop him. "If we are devout and sincere in our praise, the fish will return!!" Memphis begs him in a tone I've heard before.

"Are you blaming my dancing for the famine??" Mumble asks.

"You're just not natural, you have to stop this freakyness with the feet! It just ain't penguin!"

"There's nothing wrong with him! We're going home!" Norma Jean snaps at Memphis.

"Our son's all messed up! When he was just an egg I dropped him!!!" All is revealed. Mumble is messed up.

Mumble turns to leave. Gloria and Norma Jean beg him to stay. Gloria follows him out of the city. "I want to come with you, I'm a freak too."

"No you're literally not you're the most beautiful penguin ever and everyone loves your heartsong. Go home and start a family." Gloria calls him a stubborn hippity-hoppity fool and leaves because Mumble doesn't accept "everyone is a little autistic!!"

That's really the end of the autism storyline the rest is. Aliens????

[queerstudiesnatural]

i was taught that person-first language was specifically for people with schizoaffective or psychotic disorders BECAUSE they’re so heavily stigmatised and it’s so common to write people with those disorders off as “crazy” etc. but then it somehow got adopted for all other mental illnesses and conditions and apparently now also being gay??? wild

i think we've been having a huge wave of language policing when it comes to disabilities and other social "differences", and i think it's a hypocritical and lazy shortcut that can't and won't solve anything.

​don't get me wrong, i understand the original intention behind people first language, of course. i just think, like so many other well meaning language-based measures, it's taken a ridiculous and ineffective turn. i think it's missing the point, and it's not even being put in place by the people it affects, this is yet another thing that abled and neurotypical and cishet people have cooked up to make themselves feel and look better.

yes, being careful about how you talk about people and things is important, i'm glad we mostly can't call mentally ill and disabled people crazy without being reprimanded now, etc. but moving the place of an adjective in a sentence can't and won't achieve anything. the fault isn't in the grammar we use, the problem is the connotations behind words.

it doesn't matter whether you say "a person with autism" or "an autistic person" or even just "an autistic". because chances are no matter which way you say it, you're still thinking "a weirdo i don't want to associate with".

the solution is in awareness and destigmatization, not in moving adjectives around. whether we're talking about autistic people, schizophrenic people, or lgbt people, or anyone else. arbitrarily policing grammar and syntax can only make it harder to want to understand marginalised people. and it even marginalises them more.

i think our time would be better spent improving the way we include and represent schizophrenic, autistic, lgbt (etc) people in every day life, in media, and making sure that disabled people have their place in society, rather than reorganising sentences in a world where autism speaks is still the reference and jkr is allowed to say what she's saying about trans people. you know? like let's change the way we act, and the way we think, and that will change the weight and contempt behind the words we speak.

[maaarine]

"That's how I think about my childhood, mostly. A constant sense of melancholy and sadness and aloneness. (…)

Another big one [manifestation of my autism] was that I was like: I'm a lesbian but I don't really feel attracted to girls; I'm not into girls but I'm a lesbian.

And when I started making friends with queer people, I was like: oh, it's the queerness that I knew was happening for me.

We didn't have access to any of these words, we had nothing. I didn't have "autism" to go to, or "queerness", or "gender-queerness".

We had "tomboy", which I thought I clearly was. We had "lesbian", and there was something there.

And I didn't have the word, but I had depression to go to, because I thought: well I'm obviously not a possible person in the world, so I guess I just have to be sad, because apparently it's impossible for me to exist. (…)

I'm picturing a maze or an obstacle course, where no matter what you do, you're eventually going to fall back to this corner because you don't have the words to describe what you're feeling, you don't have the recognition.

Because I don't seem to exist.

There's nothing wrong enough with me to say that anything is wrong, it was just so confusing. It was just a big ball of "why am I sad?".

I did really well in school, had really good grades, could even be deemed a class clown but not enough to get in trouble because I knew how to play the games.

Because I spent so much time observing the game that living seemed to be. I was like constantly taking notes.

And my sister was studying psychology, so I read through all of her psychology books."

"You were being the classic little autistic anthropologist."

source: The Squarepeg Podcast: 111 [S9 E6] A magnet pulling me out of darkness: thinking through my body into autistic expression

[infinitelycomplexpuzzles]

// okay so, first off, this is not a vague post for anyone, please do not take it that way, if you think it's about you, it's not, you're fine, I swear. This is more about my experience as an autistic rper in the community writ large, and I'm curious if other autistic rpers have had similar experiences, so I feel like I need to get my feelings out.

Basically, I feel like people often don't say what they mean?

Like that's kinda normal. But it's a bit weird to me? Like, I'm autistic, I tend to hyperfocus, and I often ask many times if an idea is okay, or what they want to do, or if a thing is okay, because I don't want to presume or upset them.

And then when they give me the green light, I'm like, okay, green light, I can now talk and express things, and I know that I am undoubtedly guilty of oversharing and probably being too intense without meaning it.

But I think what confuses me is that if the goal for other people is to A. maximize their own comfort and B. avoid bad situations, then logically they should just tell me that they're not comfortable with autistic people?

And I suppose that lots of people would be like 'no that's wrong that's bigotry, that wouldn't be cool.' And on one level, that's true! But on the other hand, it would be much more ideal for me than having people say that they are totally fine with my issues, when they very much are not, and then either ghost when they find out that they are not okay with them or ghost when they actually have to deal with my issue.

To put it in perspective, I am also super depressive. I have Major Depressive Disorder on top of the autism. And when I say that, some people can and some people cannot deal with that sort of issue. Meaning that, some people I will go to when I am depressed and some people I will not. And that's okay! Not everyone can handle that.

I view my autism the same way. Some people can deal with my issue, some people cannot, but everyone says that they can when they very much cannot, and it's far more triggering to me to have people say they are and then ghost than just say they can't deal with my intensity.

But also, I need people to be blunt; I am entirely unaware of subtext no matter how much I try to be vigilant; it goes over my head in both real life and in writing. I've had girlfriends say they were flirting with me, and I was entirely unaware of that fact as it was happening.

Like there are people who are still in the community who I thought I was friends with, only for them to ghost me one day, and too this day I have no idea what happened between us or why they decided they were no longer friends with me or what I might have done; and while I've moved on now, at the time I was very upset. Hell, some of them I don't even remember interacting with; in one case I found someone I apparently had interacted with, and totally erased it from my mind along the way.

Anyway, I guess I'd just like some kind of like... consistency? Or at least, I think it should be more normalized to say you can't deal with someone's issues when you can't? And I know some people will take that the wrong way, I just wish people would be like 'I can't deal with your autism' and that way I would know and not get the wrong idea. Because I'd rather spend the time with people who can, rather than accidentally alienate people who were trying to be polite.

[nutterzebutters]

Can we please talk about autistic grief,,

This is more so directed at when you've gone your whole life undiagnosed or something along those lines feeling internally isolated from the world and its inhabitants.. that something is inherently different, or even wrong with you.

And then come to find out when you understand autism is more than caterpillar toys that spell out words, tablets and puzzle pieces, that you learn your experience has a genuine name with so many other experiences just like yours and oh my god suddenly this all makes sense..

So you do research. Tons, and tons, and TONS of research, and you do nothing but relate but God forbid you tell anyone because "I don't see it." "You don't act like 'them'" "but you're so smart and pretty!"

Because it's a spectrum. Because it's not Asperger's, a Nazi term or next step in evolution, because you've always felt out of place and despite sharing interests there is still this invisible wall trying to push you away from the vast majority of your peers, your family, your sense of social security and self image. You start to think you're weird, and no matter how many times you encounter the opportunity to make this friend, this acquaintance or mutual- while you think "maybe this time it'll be different, maybe this time I can keep this relationship, whatever it may be,", you fail.

They look at you, they sense something's wrong, something's ... not quite right. Why do you give me that face? I answered at the right time, I said the right things, I did the correct actions and interactions, why do you ostracize me? I do not understand what I am doing wrong, I don't understand what's happening and why you tell others I'm weird, make kiddy rumors that because of that weirdness I must not be right in the head, that I'm wrong and contorted in my mind, that I'll be a different person when I grow up, one for you and those who are like you to look down upon.

It hurts. Peace is nowhere in sight and now the need to interact has been hidden away in a box.

Is this schizoid? EDD? Maybe? It's not just "shutting off my emotions," no it is deeper, more primal than that. Something else. But now I understand that yeah, it's autism and maybe now that I know, I can work with this and figure myself out. But no one really knows how to deal with us, I suppose. People will be angry, mean, yell obscenities and have blatant disrespect towards me for one of my actions until I say "hey! I'm autistic and unless you tell me calmly we're not getting anywhere with this!"

Sudden kindness and understanding, how I loathe it, shouldn't that have been there in the first place? Instead of yelling, making rumors, throwing insults and jokes that are meant to drive humiliation and lower self image. Now they switch. "autistic=baby voice" "autistic=lower intelligence" and yet... They're surprised that I AM smart, when I AM more successful than them, that I'm capable of kindness and just want to help.

And that isn't even close to scraping the end of the barrel.

I've been ridiculed by both family and peers, ostracized from family and people who I unfortunately mistake friendly as friends, I've been dragged through hell and back because my personal experience, abuse occurred. Instead of understanding I was usually met by passive aggressive lectures, demeaning comments about health and IQ, I've even been left in the cold with thin clothes not built for it. My offense? Apparently I had a texture issue with some ricotta cheese my mom knew I was also allergic too. All but one of the many things I've gone through on a daily for now more than 18 years yeah, my situation isn't the worst case scenario, and it's not even close to some of the obscenities human kind are capable of.

But it is one thing:

Bad. For better or for worse,, bad. And that is an understatement, to treat any human with insensitivity and beliefs that you can hurt their emotions without consequences is vile.

And what happens when you're sabotaged of a normal skill set because wow,, no matter how hard you tried you didn't understand what was wrong with you, so you couldn't fix it. It's a gut wrenching feeling, to say the least.

[weathernerdmando]

I told my dad recently that I was looking to get evaluated for ehlers danlos because it would explain a lot and his reaction at first wasn't the best (it's honestly a little fucked up what he said but i saw where he got it and he did basically apologize for implying it) but once I actually got to explain why he seemed to get it. At first he was like "why do you want to get all these labels and to stand out and like I sort of get the perspective but now that I am actually chronically ill I just want to be healthy" and like I get it, I do, but I think what he didn't understand is I don't want to "stand out".

The problem lies in that I already do. The autism and ADHD alone already make me "unique" or whatever enough. It's not that I want. Its not that I want to be sick, I dont.

I just...i already am, or at least, have things wrong with me that haven't had answers so far for my entire life.

It's that I don't want to be alone. It's that I want to find other people who share similar issues who I can finally say "there's an answer to these random, seemingly unconnected, pain in the ass issues and other people understand it finally".

It's knowing I've always been medically complex and that apparently just kinda got forgotten/ignored because I thought most of it was normal because I didn't really know much else and once things were initially "dealt with" we kinda just moved on and if we needed to make accomodations we did but we just slid them between everything else and it was like they were always there before.

I know I've always been medically complex, but I didn't know that I wasn't the only one dealing with these issues and maybe some of it *is* fetal alcohol related but I don't see those things in me much at all, and even if it is a factor it doesn't explain the things I'm looking for answers for.

I'm not looking for a diagnosis for the hell of it. It's not for another label to slap on, it's not another "fun little trivia piece" or whatever you want to call it.

It's getting answers and ways to deal so things cause me less pain and I can stop being exhausted 90% of the time and maybe only be tired to exhausted 70% (50% is optimistic I think, lol). It's maybe maybe maybe finding out why no matter what I do, how much more I eat, how much I try to remember to eat, why i cant gain weight, why I can't get the body signals that signify hunger like I should be, it's maybe getting a path forward to a healthy weight for the first time in my life. I've never hit 3 digits and I *should* be and it's not intentional at all, I try and try and try but I simply can't and getting some reasoning as to why?? And maybe finding ways to get there?? That's what I want.

It's finding another person who's ribs move like mine in a way they really shouldn't and the relief in knowing "this person has an Official this is something wrong diagnosis and they share this trait with me and I finally have confirmation that this *should* concern me a little" but that there is also an explanation for it too.

I just want to be able to do things, accomodations or otherwise, somewhat normally for once. I'm used to accomodations, they've already been present in some way throughout my entire life. I wanted to be normal for a long, long time and I'm never going to be. I know I'm not like most people. I know that.

I don't want to be normal. I'm not ever going to be. What I want is to find other not normal people like me who I can say "this is happening and it hurts" and get a "yeah, same, you're not alone" response from or maybe "Here's things that have helped me, maybe talk to your doctor about them" and "Yeah, no, you're not overreacting to that being painful or weird or whatever, that's not something you should be able to do".

I'm not looking to stand out but to some extent, blend in and have a chance to finally just rest for a second or two.

I told him some of this, summarized really, and he kinda sat for a second, and I think understood what I was saying. And he said "I'm sorry you've been dealing with all this and I didn't realize."

So I think he understood why, in the end, but still. It's nice to lay it all out in the end anyways.

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

This is just a personal rant/vent so feel free to ignore. It's okay to reply or DM reassurance if you want though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So our biomother has always brushed off all our tism symptoms as ADHD, in part because ADHD is professionally diagnosed & in part because she always knew we had ADHD & in part because she doesn't know where the line between ADHD & autism begins or ends (she might be autistic).

She also uses they/them exclusively when we asked for he/they & then (when we realized she wouldn't use he/him if we let her use they/them) updated it to he/him.

I'm finally sitting down & doing the emotional labour of explaining to her that I *am* autistic, confirmed by more than one therapist, & that I'm her son.

Apparently she thought nonbinary = “neither man nor woman”, closer to agender. So I had to explain that not all nonbinary people aren't a man or a woman, some of us are nonbinary in addition (because we don't fit in our society's definition of manhood/womanhood, because we don't identify entirely with being a man/woman, because we identify as man/woman and something else, etc. - there are many ways to be nonbinary), & I am nonbinary in addition, because our society defines manhood as something I don't belong to but that doesn't mean I'm not a man.

I then also had to explain that I did do research & talk to therapists about the tism, & that I took the RAASD-R (old diagnostic test) 5 times to make sure I wouldn't get a false positive (I got 205 to 210 at the lowest, of 240 possible), & that I am minimally speaking (I'm not entirely nonverbal/non-speaking, I can talk in words sometimes, but I go months without speaking if I'm not masking).

But she likes to play devil's advocate, saying “there may be other explanations, don't get stuck on [autism / transness / etc.]” & I have to explain again that I am not saying this is the only possible explanation, I'm saying it's the most likely one that supports all the data points & that I benefit from autistic-specific accommodations & from accommodations like AAC.

& then came the emotional questions.

“I am not asking if there's an explanation other than autism,” I told her again. “Because the point is...¿what if I'm right? ¿what then? ¿will you actually support your kid if they *are* trans & autistic? because the point isn't ‘¿am I wrong?’ the point is ‘¿will you still love me?’. I bring up this conversation because I want to know that if I *am* right, ¿do I still have a mom? ¿Am I still your son? Or ¿will you continue to love a version of me that doesn't even exist?”

Or the long winded version: “The reason I get frustrated whenever this conversation comes up is that my point isn't ‘this is the only explanation and I can't be wrong’. I'm not looking for a devil's advocate. I'm saying ‘okay but if this is true, if I'm right about myself, if this kid is actually your youngest son & is actually autistic, would you still stick around? would you learn who he really is? would you love him? would you get to know the real me?’ because I am so used to friends & lovers & people who are supposed to be family turning their backs on me when I discover these things about myself. I'm asking if you will learn, if you will try to understand me & communicate through this (even when that means sometimes you'll be dealing with nonverbal languages, like body language or wordless sounds), if you will love me through this. That's what matters to me. But every time I bring it up you want to offer other explanations & examples of people who aren't like me. I don't care if there are other explanations & people who aren't like me— I wanna know in my unique situation if you will still support me, love me, and fight for my right to exist.”

And gods it's emotionally taxing, & she's taking an excruciatingly long time to read my texts, but I'm hoping that this conversation will bring us closer & I will finally be seen for who I am.

I just want my mom to be a mom, to love her autistic son even if that's not who she thought I was when I was born. I don't think that's too much to ask.

~Nico

((PS I'm listening to this song (Fix It To Break It by Clinton Kane) on repeat as I have this conversation. “I need more.”, “¿Is it worth the pain if I should stick around?”, “Sick of me reminding you to love me like you say you do...”))

[spicycoffeebean]

If you don't want to answer that's COMPLETELY fine and you can ignore this entirely, but if your comfort zone permits: I happened across your tag and am. curious how someone could use reddit to try and get someone to detransition. Like, do you mean she made a post about it to get people agreeing with her or??

Hi Anon! I'll be honest and say I'm glad somebody took notice enough to actually ask. Because I still refuse to believe it happened.

No! She did not make a Reddit post. She just sent me several posts from r/detrans to get me to detransition.

More below the cut! Idk how long this will be, but cw for transphobia and all around shitty/questionable behavior

For those who don't know (I can't track down the post, but I commented in tags) my own mother (60) has been very actively against my transition (ftm) since I began taking testosterone in November 2021(I have been openly trans and using he/him prns since 2018, so it's not like any of this was "new" information to her) On top of blatant misinformation, my mom tried to source REDDIT, the detransitioner's subreddit to prove that yes, people do detransition. Never once denied her that. My issue here is that no, she did not make a post, she was ~browsing~ the detransitioner subreddit r/detrans to push me to detransition. She was "sourcing" it (I wanna say she said in the same conversation that she doesn't trust sites that have LGBTQ+ flags despite the statistics being very real and very present. I'm an analytics/statistics student.)

I have a million issues with this, but very simply, she is using people's struggles and real trauma to fuel a transphobic agenda to get me to detransition (I was so much happier when I chose to be openly trans let alone when I actually started T last year.) If you actually read the subreddit, 99% of those stories are OP saying "Transitioning did not work for me" but not once do they denounce transitioning. They make it clear that their experiences with it did not work out.

“I talk to detransitioners all of the time” she said “Why don’t you talk to a real trans person?” I asked her “Because I know their story.” is what she said word for word Bitch I’m trans and I don’t know trans people’s stories. I just am trans?? I made it super easy for her. Talk to a doctor or a real trans person. She makes any excuse to NOT DO THIS. A cisgender doctor in California will tell you that you are out right wrong and doing more harm than any good you might see from it.

Less than 1% of people detransition, and the majority of those who detransition ARE STILL UNHAPPY. Even then a handful of people detransition because of society, family, or something simple as healthcare. People are denied healthcare because doctors don't want to provide basic care to a transgender person. (I live in the US where this practice would be illegal) My mother acts like I myself deny that people detransition while she literally won't acknowledge WHY people detransition at all. LGBT clinics are apparently shutting down in the UK, Norway, Sweden etc. Yeah cool cisgender people are losing healthcare too. But apparently that doesn't matter. My brother's(cis) bisexual and he could be denied care if he lived in such a place. I don't think she'd take kindly to that, knowing she was the most supportive when my brother came out well over 10 years ago.

I do not want my story or trauma to be used as fuel for a fire to hurt somebody else. I doubt any of these detransitioners would be happy knowing this either. Their stories are not for my mother to tell

anyway she sends me to college(to study analytics/statistics lol??) and insists I'm brainwashed and need an autism diagnosis(YES, SHE ASKED ME 3 TIMES TO GET ONE. NO I JUST HAVE ADHD. I ASKED DOCTORS FOR 5 YEARS ABT IT LOL)

She's just in denial she spent 1 million usd and 2 years of paperwork on a China doll because "[She] didn't want to try for another son" I was told this my entire childhood and it's haunting me almost every day now.

That's the super dumbed-down version of that Reddit comment. Let alone EVERYTHING ELSE she put me through the last 14 months.

TLDR; She did not make a post to get people to agree with her, she was just taking people's stories and struggles to fuel a hate agenda detransitioners themselves do not agree with (she cannot read.)

[perpetual-fool]

-

Rewriting 'value'

My problem is that I've been conditioned to feel that whatever I think is good is evil. Everything I value is wrong. And if it's not wrong then it's neutral, but I'm wrong for not figuring it out sooner.

I have to conclude that others are mistaken for being upset with me. And I have a little bit to work with. Whenever I've proposed an improvement that someone has fought me over, if they at least agree to do the thing a little bit, they end up agreeing with me. Far as I can tell, when I've thought something could be better, I was right literally every time. But I need a reason why people would do that. Why would people want to keep things bad?

Hmm. Did they know it was better when they objected? No, else they would not have changed their minds. So they passed judgment without any consideration. Why would someone judge thoughtlessly? Because they think it doesn't matter? Why would they think it doesn't matter?

Autism? I'm going off an anecdote, a guy was linked to an 'autism test', the first question was "do you prefer working alone or in a group?" and the guy was ranting about how the question doesn't make any sense because it depends on the circumstances. And he's right, but apparently neurotypical people don't think like that. And the last model of autism that I heard about which sounded reasonable was that an autistic brain has stronger connections. That for instance, flat affect is a result of blocking out emotions entirely, because they are overwhelming. So maybe others' concern is equivalent to my 'not giving a shit'? That would the explain the paradox "caring enough to do the thing, but doing it wrong". Like, they can understand that they'll need a pencil, but they aren't capable of realizing that it also has to write until they put it to paper and nothing is legible.

I really really do not like "unfathomable stupidity" as an explanation. Then again, that's exactly what I've been blaming myself for, so maybe it's fair. And the phenomenon is happening regardless. Can there be another explanation? Aside from a variation of 'they are not real'. It's honest, because they're screwing themselves over. Is there another way to be paradoxically wrong that isn't 'stupidity'? Well, that is how I define 'stupid', not making connections they should have. To rephrase, is there any explanation possible other than 'the pencil also has to work' being too big a leap for their brain to make? I've considered they might be making a different connection, but that doesn't excuse this one. Not hypothetical, is there any other explanation for someone saying 'I want all the benefits, but not the drawbacks' and not realizing the problem with that? They're thinking it through as much as anyone does, they're honestly not making the connection, even if they were dishonest they're still not making the connection. This feels equivalent of a child telling a lie like "I am wearing my shoes", not realizing you can look down and see their bare feet. And oh god, that fits. Except children know they're lying and adults tell you you're insane for not believing their blatant contradiction. No, I can't think of any alternative.

Fine. I'm some kind of genius and the vast majority of people don't have enough brain capacity to understand an 'if' statement. They absolutely never explain anything because the explanations do not exist, and they do not have the intelligence to recognize 'truth' or 'good'.

That's not much better than 'brain in a vat'.

But the paradox? If they can't comprehend "if hungry, then eat" then how are they alive? And I think "comprehend" is the significant part. Like it must be that their body is compelled to insert food into the digestive system. Similarly, the logic gates in their brain must exist. But 'awareness' is a different process. And going by anecdotes of experiments with people who've had their corpus callosum severed, the conscious part doesn't actually control anything, it just makes up a story about what's happening. But that's still running on the same brain, how is that different? I suppose the paradox goes away if I imagine no one has ever told them anything, and they've never said anything. So like, not realizing that you need to adjust the heat on the stove when you keep burning food is dumb. But it's not of the same magnitude as arguing that the food isn't burnt. So the stupid is compounding, probably. And the problem would mainly be connecting words to ideas. Yeah, that question is resolved. The apparent paradox is faulty interpretation making people look much, much worse than they are.

Why the confidence? There is absolutely fucking nothing I can do, maybe short of torture, to convince someone they've misunderstood. Why? In my own experience, uncertainty comes from something not fitting my model. So presumably that's not happening for them. But the not-fitting is present. Are they so stupid that their model does not extend beyond themselves? Say, best example I have was from my brief time on a Minecraft server. Everyone was working on a big project, most of them were using mods to fly, I wasn't. They had figured out an optimal way to do this thing, but it depended on flying. They could not fathom why I couldn't run while my character was swimming. So, people have their idea, they have the behavior based on that idea, but the result of that behavior is out of scope? Is that why they argue about their intent when I tell them their behavior was harmful? That genuinely would explain a lot of debates about politics or economics and such. Like, we should be able to have objectively true and tested answers for what effect a certain type of policy has. And if we didn't, there's nothing to discuss until we do. But people waste time arguing like "That's bad!", "Nu-uh, it's good actually". That would actually explain a lot of things. I suppose being a workable solution and opposed to nothing, I should believe that.

Why is it so hard to believe? Not really in question. This is as natural to me as breathing, and to say most people can't understand consequences is like saying most people can't understand the concept of addition. It's much easier to think everyone is fucking with me somehow. I admit the evidence doesn't support the idea, that other people should be smart. This is comparable to my thoughts on the Fermi paradox. Essentially, "if space is so big, where are the aliens?" But we're the only life we know of, and you can't draw a trend from a single point, so that's dumb. And I am that single point here. Debatably there's one more point. The only person I've found somewhat relatable is the late Richard Feynman, who was actually socially accepted as some kind of genius. For instance, there's a clip where he's addressing suggestions to known physics problems that people write in about. He makes an analogy to safecracking, "'Maybe the answer is 1-2-10' they say. But maybe you've already tried 1-2-10, maybe you know for a fact that the answer is five digits long". (approximately) I make analogies like that quite frequently when I'm trying to explain or clarify something. And it's always a waste of time, and I've heard absolutely no one else ever do that. And maybe it's a clue that he though of himself as ordinary, "I was an ordinary person, who studied hard". Though maybe he was lying.

It might help if it was defined. I don't see a line between what people can do and what they can't. Like, they can understand that cleaning a water bottle is hard and decide they don't want to do that. But they can't understand that 'a bottle you never clean' means a disposable one. How is that different? Maybe they're lying and never understood any of it. Maybe "I don't like cleaning" was the only honest thing they said. But how would they know to clean in the first place? I don't have anything to work with from this angle. How was Feynman different? Like, supposedly it was widely accepted that quantum physics could only be understood in terms of esoteric equations, until he invented the Feynman diagram. Why is it that not just anyone could decide to represent the equation as a picture? They're capable of understanding it afterwards, so they're not just too stupid for it. Are they not considering the alternatives, or not seeing them at all? Since the objection is never valid, it must be they don't see it. There was another Feynman story where others were attempting to think of an alternative, so it must be they cannot create alternatives. What would make that impossible? The process working would be something like "I want to move this rock. Oh no! the rock is too heavy to pick up. Can I make it less heavy? Can I increase my lifting capacity? Can I move it without lifting it?" So, I'm considering different ways of interacting with the system? To be unable to do that, there would have to be no system at all. Like, for someone to not understand that you could push the rock without picking it up, the whole procedure would have to be a magic ritual. And 'understanding' after would be just seeing the result "Wow, they didn't pick up the rock, yet somehow the rock is moved!" "He fixes radios by thinking!" I really wish that didn't fit. Yeah, "system awareness", that's what it is.

Redo, why the confidence? They're certain they know what the ritual is, and they think my responses are wrong for not matching the ritual.

Why are others wrong to be upset with me? They're upset with me for the part of the ritual they think I'm playing. But I was never participating in the ritual. I could not, even if I wanted to.

How am I not just evil? Better phrased, how is my existence not innately harmful to others? It's not guaranteed that I'll trigger the bad rituals, though I'd probably still be harmful in aggregate. It's virtually guaranteed that I'll be misused. If other people try to direct me with rituals they are not going to get what they want. But I could be used for good. I could be useful.

Does their being wrong mean I'm not evil? The harm is still happening even if the crime isn't. Like if someone feels their life is in danger because a large dog exists, that person is experiencing extreme distress. Taking that apart, there is the dog, the person, and the idea. Obviously the idea has the most significant impact, and I recognize that it doesn't make sense to consider the dog as possibly culpable but not the person. The latter, I think is just conditioning that the 'victim' can never be at fault. The former, it doesn't feel like it matters. They hate me, so I'm evil. Even if they're wrong about why they hate me, they still hate me. What grounds would I possibly have to say that someone's values are wrong? In itself, there are none. But someone could be wrong about what they think their values are, and wrong about what is it they think they're judging. Like maybe you think you hate vegetables because your mother was a terrible cook. Or, to be wrong about your values you have to be stupid, like deciding you hate something you've never tried. It's hard for me to believe that could happen, but I've seen it. So to be wrong, they've invented a conclusion based on no evidence, or they've experienced the thing in a misleading way. The dog then, either they have the wrong idea from a bad experience, or they're just making it up. That doesn't quite match though. Like, I've seen video of someone who was legitimately delusional, she was yelling at the mailman because she thought they were stalking her. And that doesn't seem like the same kind of situation as someone berating a dog owner with "your dog is DANGEROUS and he's gonna KILL someone!" I don't think that's someone who's genuinely afraid. So they're not stupid, they're lying. Although that becomes a recursive issue, why are they hating the dog to begin with? Maybe they're just aesthetically disgusted by dogs. In which case, they're not wrong. So am I evil? maybe.

Is it wrong to be ugly? So if someone hates me for being too tall, or too fat, or too symmetrical, does that make me evil? Though that's not-quite refuted by the idea that whatever your body type, there's probably someone who finds you attractive. It's at least a possibility. So if one person finds me disgusting, and another finds me hot, what does that make me? I don't think I could say that either of them are correct. Obviously each just has their preference, so then the idea that I 'am' ugly is false objectivity? Meaning someone is framing their opinion as fact. Probably "I don't like that" as "you made me feel bad". And every variation of that consolidated into "I am a piece of shit". I suppose that brings me back to where I was.

Am I 'doing' your feelings? The process is 'I do something, you observe it, you interpret it, you feel some kind of way about your interpretation'. The elements which could be at fault are the 'doing' and 'interpretation'. I would think I'm asking, did the 'doing' have the most influence on the outcome? But that isn't the accusation. It's not my fault, it's what I did. I didn't do something to make you upset, I made you upset, directly, bypassing causality. Obviously that's wrong. Reinterpreting, for others lacking system awareness, outcomes magically arise from circumstances. All they know is that I said a thing and then they were upset. The 'magic' explanation is that I'm stupid and/or evil.

Replacement? Others' interpretation is faulty, and they're not aware that interpretation is happening. I'm not stupid for being unable to make sense of things, things actually don't make sense. This is due to the aforementioned faulty thinking and neglect of the relationships within the system, because they are not aware there is a system. And I am not evil for people being upset with me, because 'evil' is a process that bypasses causality, and does not exist. I have no innate 'badness'.

Am I not still doing bad? Kinda. It's mostly other people being wrong about things. So while they may be unhappy about it, it was their doing. Though that doesn't make me feel any better. I don't want people to hurt themselves on me. And I want to resolve things. I want to connect. I feel like that's my fundamental sin. I suppose that's almost 'magical' thinking. I want to connect and then bad things happen. But in between those, I attempt to communicate, my communication is misinterpreted, and then either they get upset or they 'attack' my psyche. They respond in an invalid way, and the only way to make it valid is to believe that my existence is innately wrong. That's not my fault.

Alright, I am now merely sad. I'm sure I'll have to keep coming back to this for awhile, until I break the habit.

How do I do good? Even if I'm right, I'm going to be hated every step of the way. And any change I do manage will merely become 'normal', as though it had always been that way. Nothing anyone cares about. Hmm. I had a conversation to confirm, I asked "would you be happier if you never found out your knives were bad?". And I got an emphatic "no" to that. Maybe I'm both right and good? That's throwing me for a loop. And I am very, very tired. I want to keep working but I need rest. I'm gonna try to play video games or something while my brain figures out what to do with this.

To be continued.

[protokirby]

I had a dream play out like a fanfiction again how fun!! :D

Anyhoo. Contrary to what I said yesterday about how rare it is to see Drayton unless I go to him, he went on an adventure with me in this dream.

It was me and Drayton, hanging out with some random background character the dream made up. This rando was kinda cool though. They had a car they would experiment on and by that I mean this rando added a feature to their car that would let them drive over water by having the car create an ice bridge as it was going. Like the frost walker enchantment in minecraft but with a whole dang car.

Anyway, the rando found it to work and invited me and Drayton to go across the ocean with them. So we got into the car with the suspiciously intelligent background character who was apparently known for making bad decisions too.

Dunno if I said before, but in dreams, I'm cowardly and a wimp. (Unless one of the imaginary friends is in danger then it seems to flip a switch and I become the nightmare for whatever put my imaginary friends in danger) I was nervous as flip going across the ocean in a magic ice car. I did not trust it. Drayton was having a good time though. That was pretty comforting in the dream.

So we went over a few islands. Crazy science background character was whoo-ing and hollering like how some country folk can be when they're excited. Never liked when people do that irl because of whatever the flip my autism does to my sense of hearing so it just made me more uncomfortable with the situation. Drayton got wind of it. Could have been from me covering my ears or I could have been making a face without realizing it or both, but he told the driver to shut up. Driver dude just gave a thumbs up and we kept going over the ocean in silence.

Until the ice bridge stuff began to stop working and driver dude had to pull over on the next closest island. It was a small-ish island next to a kind of big island with a giant city on it that was kind of like how Ultra Megalopolis looks but more. Jungle-like and the buildings were shaped different. Science dude told me and Drayton we could go explore this place while they worked on their car. Some of the locals, who were also brilliant minds, were super interested in what the guy did to their car and called it an astounding scientific accomplishment or whatever that would be useful for all society if it could be perfected. To that, I agree. I think it would be cool irl.

Me and Drayton went to the main island to explore some of the city. Drayton climbed up to the top of a tall tower by a ladder and starts video chatting with Drayden for who even knows why. Drayden says, "Where are you? That place looks like something out of a dream." (bruh XD) Drayton begins to say something but intentionally falls off the edge in a way that looks like an accident.

I spontaneously grow psychic powers and catch him as per my overprotective reflexes in dreams. I kind of lose my temper at him. It doesn't look like I lost my temper because of how whimsical I am but I did indeed lose my temper for a couple seconds in the dream. I said "Drayster my friend! Bestie! You know you can trust me to do that but please don't trust me to do that. What if I wasn't watching? The dragon would have been dra-GONE."

Main reason I lost my temper in the dream over that is because Hop would always behave that way, trusting me like that and making mischief knowing I'd bail him out. But one day I just never saw Hop or Leon in my dreams again no matter what I'd do. No clue what happened or if those two imaginary friends are dead or somethin or if Leon just got too worried that Hop would test my over protectiveness at the wrong time or what. Either way I don't want to risk losing another imaginary friend.

It's certainly funny until it's not. I want to stop that behavior in its tracks because a little chuckle in the now-time just ain't worth the possibility of losing a friend or more in the later-times.

Drayton was climbing back up the ladder to get his phone and he was preparing a huge grin on his face to reveal himself to Drayden with, but when he got up there, looks like his gramps already ended the call. No reaction for the Drayster. How sad. Anyway, he climbs back down.

There was some guy announcing the opening of a new water park. It didn't have anything to do with what would happen for the rest of the dream. It was just in the background and- honestly made everything feel more real. As if it's actually another universe where these folks are all just casually going about their lives. What even are my dreams anyway? Do any of yall dream like this? I want to know.

I don't remember some of the stuff that happened in between, but we found the entrance to a nature trail. Most of the critters around were african animals - plus a few australian animals, specifically emus and sugar gliders. There were also a few fantasy-floating-glowing creatures and also geese. Wonderfully bizarre this place is. It got even crazier soon.

Somewhere during the nature walk, me and Drayton found a cave and of course we went into the cave. Between the level of stupidity I have when I'm not actively in need of protecting my imaginary friends and--- whatever goofy carelessness Drayton has going on, nothing was stopping us from going into what was probably a dangerous place.

In the cave was the most nonsensical and amazing place I have ever seen. Even more so than the place I saw in the dream with the bird king.

When I say this place was beautiful, I'm using the actual definition of beautiful. I'm aware that I sometimes use the word beautiful to describe something amazingly funny, but not this time.

This cave was so cool- I can't even describe it properly. Heck, I don't think I could even draw it and like- drawing insane nonsense fantasy backgrounds is a thing I enjoy doing and am really good at. I don't think I could give this place justice no matter the way I try to describe it.

There was really neat natural bridges, some place that was a volcano and a glacier at the same time, things were floating, there were waist-deep ponds of golden oil we had to walk through. That description sucks. I just cannot describe it any better. But it was so awesome???

I hated being there in the dream cuz I was as cowardly as usual and also fearing for Drayton's life but the cave was not actually dangerous like my anxiety was making it out to be.

I woke up before the adventure concluded. In hindsight, I want to go back and explore the place more. Perhaps with Drayton again and maybe Crispin and Ryuki could tag along too next time. That would be fun

[bluehawkdustorm]

I think I just realised what it is I dislike about dogs.

And it's not the creature itself. Dogs themselves are great! There's something very wholesome and joyful about saying hi to a dog and giving it a good pat and telling it what a good dog it is. I don't even mind spending an hour or three with a dog, I just wouldn't want the commitment of owning one (and for all their good qualities, cats beat them on every count that matters to me).

But no, what really disturbs me about dogs is the intensity with which people like them.

I know exactly what you're thinking when you first read that, and you're wrong. I'm AuDHD. I have both special interests and hyperfixations. Most of my friends are confirmed to have at least *either* autism or ADHD, and the ones who don't at least have clear traits of the other are the exception, not the rule. I have literally one friend who is neurotypical. We think. (You can never be 100% certain.) In life I am SURROUNDED by special interests and hyperfixations at various degrees of repression and masking.

One (1) of my friends is into dogs, insofar as he is a Dog Person who, at any given time, Has A Dog. His dog may or may not be one of his special interests, but he's super chill about it (some of his other special interests, he's not nearly so Chill about, and we love him for it).

Neurotypicals, on the other hand ...

There are very few things that neurotypicals get intense about, but the WAY they get intense about things is disturbing to me. It's never individual -- it always has to be Group-Approved and Socially-Affirming. And once it is, they start getting weirdly Superior about the value of the thing they like and how it's just a sign that you're a better person than someone who chooses differently. They learn to be subtle about it, but it's always there.

"Dog culture" has all of those things baked in. Cat people are like "dogs are fine, I just like cats more". Even when Dog Culture isn't outright saying "cats are HORRIBLE and one killed my niece!!", they'll still loudly say things like "cat people are introverted (derogatory)" and "cats are stuck up" (because having boundaries and sensory needs is about ego and hierarchy, apparently). But dogs are SO PURE, apparently, and if you ever dare say "actually I was scared of dogs as a kid", that's treated as a red flag.

(I'm not scared of them *now*, but I survived past the age of 4 because I got lucky. Ever heard of a cat - even a horribly abused cat with the world's worst owner - killing a person?)

You know who else is all about intense group affirmation, us-and-them-ism, and a complete lack of boundaries?

Cults. Those things feature heavily in cults.

Allistic people aren't known for Liking Things Intensely or very specifically. But just as it's possible for AuDHDers to have interests that aren't Special Interests(tm) or Hyperfixations(tm), there's this weird, allistic mirror of Special Interests. And the way allistics do Liking Things Intensely, ultimately, creeps me the fuck out in a unique way that the cringiest expressions of a special interest never could. It always has. And it's taken me literal decades to articulate this because the assumptions are so baked-in.

The assumptions that dogs are *better*, that cats are standoffish and uncaring, and that it's always NDs who are intense and weird.

Special interests and hyperfixations aren't immune to any of this, but for some reason it's *intrinsic* to allistic culture.

When autistic or ADHD people like things, we might get psyched - we might get fully into the halo-effect and into the virtues and importance of our Thing - but even when those interests are social, they still become defined by individual expression and unique positions, because the point of a special interest is not affirmation or cohesion. When neurotypicals Really Like Things, they form cults.

And they're always really cringe about it.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #140

Would you rather visit The Eiffel Tower or the Egyptian Pyramids? The Pyramids, easy. I would LOVE to visit Egypt.

Would you be surprised if your most recent ex called you tonight? Yes, considering her number is blocked and I also know she has zero desire to talk to me, and it's mutual.

Do you need to lose or gain weight? Lose. Trying so fucking hard and have been for years. It just teeters back and forth.

Do you think you have a disorder but haven't been properly diagnosed yet? Yes, and as of a few days ago I'm on the road towards an autism evaluation and potential diagnosis after suspecting myself of being a high-functioning individual for a VERY long time for a novel's length of reasons. I went to therapy and talked about it, and she will be trying to get me to see someone who can perform an evaluation.

What is the population of the city you live in? I'm not comfortable giving like, a super specific number, but according to Google it's a few thousand over 50k. Apparently it's bigger than I thought it was...

How many pairs of jeans do you own? Literally zero.

When did you last vacuum your room? Nothing less than astonishingly, only a few days ago. The next day I cleaned my ENTIRE room, and I've kinda stayed in this restless state where I'm just tidying things up a lot. Like don't get me wrong, it's fucking fantastic, but this behavior is VERY unlike me; like the immense majority of mentally ill people, I tend to have a shitload of trouble with cleaning, especially without my mother prompting me to.

Have you ever put on or lost a significant amount of weight? Both.

On a scale of 1-5, how often do you curse? Oh, "5" just feels like too small a number to rank how much I fucking curse lmfao

What is the worst thing you’ve ever smelled? My late dog Teddy's diaper if he'd pee in it while he also had this very large tumor that would also be closed within it, plus he regularly got insanely potent UTIs. This was towards the end of his life and he just in general had so much going on. It eventually got to where I physically couldn't be the one to change it if it hadn't been for a little while (ex., overnight), like the smell was one that would basically bring you to your fucking knees, I'm talking dizzyingly disgusting and would make me violently gag and heave. Not even decaying animals I've smelled matched this, and I'm sure being in such close quarters to change his diaper played a big role in just how terrible the experience was.

What’s your favorite social media platform? I think Tumblr's the most fun, but I like Facebook for keeping up with the lives of people I care about.

Name someone with brown eyes. Both my parents, both my immediate sisters... a whole lot of people.

Do you know what your next injection will be? No. There's talk going on about TRYING to get me approved for a very well-received weight loss injection since my pre-diabetes news, but the odds are low because of the kind of insurance I have but also because I'm pre and not actually diabetic. Giving you reliable health care only matters when you're basically dying in this country, y'know?

Does anyone call you darling? If so who? Uh I suppose it's possible Girt does sometimes, but that's definitely not one he says a lot. I'm pretty positive I've seen him write "darlin" in Discord, but I'm not positive if he's vocally used that term with me.

If you had to have a cartoon character tattooed to you what would it be? Um, I guess if I HAD to, I'd probably go with a Pokemon of some sort. Maybe a cutesy Charmander.

You have to dye your hair two colours, what do you choose? IF I knew the colors would take, right now I'd probably go with a pastel pink and light lavender to layer.

If you could would you look at your future self? I think I'd be too scared to.

Who was your first serious relationship? Jason.

If you had to cut a parent out of your life who would you cut out? I really, really, really fucking hate this question, but my dad.

If you had to get a piercing right now what would you get done? Right nostril redone.

Who is the #1 person/thing in your life? My boyfriend.

What are two things you wish you never did? Said certain things to Jason and my dad. Juuuust to name two.

Would you rather have three personal wishes or world peace? World peace, fucking easy.

What were/is your high school colors? Red and white.

When someone sneezes, do you say “Bless you,” or “God Bless you?” "Bless you," but I wish I said neither because of the religious implications. It's just become this social expectation that is completely meaningless, but I'm way too concerned about not looking rude. I've thought of just switching to "Gesundheit," but around here? That'll raise some eyebrows and I don't feel like explaining in the Bible belt of all places "oh I'm just not religious and it feels weird."

Do you ever look at someone cute, and automatically make a move? lol no, even if I was hypothetically single, that is totally not how I work.

What are two things you are excited to do in the near future? Get my tattoo finished, and actually that exact same day I'll be going to Girt's afterwards for the yearly dinner they have to celebrate his late date's birthday; they get together and make his favorite meal. I was there last year and literally cried over panic of being rude lmfao because I physically could not eat it, it was this pasta thing with chicken gizzards and also hearts. I immediately reminded Girt of this and told him I'm going to eat prior, and he said it wouldn't offend anyone but I still worry regardless. Either way I'm still excited to go, I don't see his family enough.

Do you live in a house, apartment, or another type of arrangement? A house.

Are you one of those people who like to spell out numbers? In English grammar (or at least, what I was taught), any number below 10 is technically meant to be spelled out, and depending on the context, I usually abide by that.

Who was the last person (if anyone) you said Happy Birthday to? Either my dad or a Facebook friend. I feel like the latter.

Do you have Photoshop? If so, how often a day do you use it? I do, and it totally depends. I'd say most days I don't use it at all.

Do you watch any shows that you know your parents wouldn’t approve of? lol no, I'm a grown-ass adult.

Leggings with denim shorts; yes or no? I think that mix is perfectly capable of being cute. Probably isn't always, but.

Do you think any bands/artists are trashy? So like here's the crazy thing, I know NO celebrities on a personal level!!! and especially with musicians, there is a tendency to develop stage personas that do not reflect who they factually are!!! but even if I knew any personally, they can do whatever they want w/ their own lives if it's not at the expense of others!!!!! hot take right????????

Do you plan your meals in any way? Not really, like I don't do meal prep or decide at the start of the day what foods I'm eating. I just go with what I want in that moment.

Were you in the scouts when you were young? Girl Scouts? Yes, with my older sister and maybe younger. I can't remember how long, though.

How many people could sleep in your home? (Not counting floor space; beds and couches only) Uh, I'm going to go with needing the ability to lie down versus just sit up, because people COULD do that on the couches... My bed and Mom's can comfortably fit two people each, the leather couch someone could just lay out on and be fine, and then our other one actually has a fold-out bed that could fit two people, but I'm doubtful it'd be comfortable. If we're counting all those, seven.

Have you ever made a hole-in-one at mini-golf? Yeah.

What genre was the last song you listened to? Who provided the vocals? Natively Rammstein is considered Neue Deutsche Härte, but if you want a familiar equivalent, some sort of harder rock for this specific song, I'm so bad with the bajillion different metal and rock subgenres. Their vocalist is Till Lindemann.

If an ex said they hated you, what would you say? Only going with the other two "serious" people I dated, and this is just what I think I'd say right this minute; I obviously wouldn't know until I was right in this situation. With Jason, I'm very confident I'd just say that I know and don't blame him. Sara, I would honestly likely point out that a person like her hating me is probably a good thing.

What would you do if you found out your most recent ex was in a relationship? Wouldn't affect me at all.

If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you? I mean it really wouldn't matter; they can say it, but it wouldn't change the fact I love and am loyal to Girt.

Truthfully, is there someone you used to date that you miss? There are memories with Jason that I miss and I miss how well we once upon a time meshed together; we were best friends that really, really loved each other. At least, for most of the relationship, on his end. He was a super, super silly and boldly him person (he was the complete opposite of me in the sense that he was an open book about who he was, things that made him happy, etc., and that was extremely appealing to me), like it'd be great if we could still be friends in each other's lives, but that's just not how it could ever work, and I know that. I don't want to date him again, there is WAY too much hurt over how he left and how he never communicated his feelings regarding my mental health, but in an ideal world, it'd be nice to still be in touch, but the world is rarely ideal. This way is better for me.

If you could go forward in time and see your life 5 years from now, what would you hope to see? Me being primarily mentally - and physically - well and having learned to love and be kind to myself, supporting myself decently enough with art, Girt and I living together/probably married by that point, lots of healthy and happy pets. Maybe even a hobbyist tarantula breeder for fun, extra income, and the tarantula hobby could use more breeders anyway.

Are you more comfortable with men or women? Women. If you ever meet a SINGLE woman who says she feels safer around men, hit me the fuck up and let me know so my jaw can drop off my face, through the ground, and into the core of the earth.

Who came over last? lol technically Jehovah's Witness. I warned Mom a group of them were wandering around our development (they are so obvious), and so when they rang the bell and then knocked as well, Mom just didn't even answer. They could very likely see me through the window blinds that I have open, but I gave no shits whatsoever. They eventually just left, thank fuck.

Has one of your friends ever tried to "hook you up?" Not exactly "hook up," but Colleen knew I was into Girt (this was obviously the first time, 2017) and she VERY obnoxiously tried to push us together, and I KNOW it made me uncomfortable, and I think Girt as well. There was one time we got together and went to Pizza Hut/Inn (idr) and this completely indecent bitch starts a sentence with (IN A BUSY RESTAURANT) "because I'm trying to get your dick inside her-" and this is THE CLOSEST I have ever gotten to smacking somebody, like I consciously had to stop myself, but the look I gave her should've melted her where her ass sat. She didn't even look at me though, so I know she didn't see it, and I was so pissed off and disgusted by her that I really don't even remember what happened exactly after, but I'm pretty sure Girt just decided to act like she hadn't said that. If you're curious, as a matter of fact no, she is NOT the reason we started dating, he asked me himself without her completely uninvited involvement later. God I am so glad we're not friends anymore, it's hard to even accept I ever was her friend. OH MY GOD WAIT!!!!!!!! She IS the reason Aaron and I got together in middle school, but I'll defend her enough in that back then, I wanted her help kinda getting things across, but we were literal children who didn't even know what "love" really was.

What is your card game of choice? Magic: The Gathering. I'd honestly like to play it again, but I'd need a shitload of refreshers, the amount of rules in this game is MENTAL. Even when I was rather familiar with it because of Jason, there was a lot of shit I still didn't get.

What is your favourite books series? Wings of Fire by Tui T. Sutherland. Finally read a good chunk more of the one I'm on the other day.

If you eat oatmeal, do you add water or milk to it and what’s your favorite flavor? I HAVE to use milk, and I only ever really enjoyed the apple cinnamon flavor.

Was the last video you watched on YouTube a music video and if not, what was it of? I'm watching jacksepticeye's replay of Until Dawn.

Has anyone you know personally ever won the lottery and if so, how much did they win and would you or have you ever played the lottery? No and no.

What was the last thing someone has sincerely thanked you for? I think Girt, for me letting him have "him" time when he wants/needs it. There are times where I'll invite him here and he just wants to be alone (we're both very introverted), and he knows very well he can always just tell me that and it won't bother me at all. The way he reacts to it I feel like he's had bad experiences with this offending former partners or something, meanwhile I'm just like dude if this was problematic to me then I wouldn't deserve him/a partner in general, his life doesn't and shouldn't revolve around me. Obviously it'd be concerning if this was something he did ALL the time since that would just seem like he doesn't want to see me, but that's not the case at all.

What band, celebrity, etc. do you know the most information about and who would you like to learn more about? Oh it's definitely Markiplier, haha. It'd be super cool to know more about the Rammstein boys, specifically the one (the bassist Ollie) that's always been very mysterious and quiet, he's known for how shy he is, however the older I've gotten, the less and less I've felt the "need" to know everything about celebs I love and/or admire, like they're ordinary people that deserve privacy; their lives aren't our business.