#because i was openly trans when i was like 13-15 and then i went back in the closet for like 5 years

[peternincompoop]

i NEED to know how many people found out they were trans from watching iasip!!!

also feel free to add in the tags WHO made u realise it!!

[searedwood]

30 Day Gay Journal Prompts

This is specifically designed for Pride Month and self celebration, but this can be for literally any other use. Except hate. No hate allowed.

Day 1- Write your preferred name(s), pronouns, nice nouns (nouns you like to be referred to as), and bad nouns (nouns you don't like to be referred to as).

Day 2- Record your triggers, from really bad to not as bad to getting over it. Add any specifications or notes if you feel like you need them. This is so you can identify what makes you uncomfortable or panicked, which will help you be able to identify and avoid a situation in which you may feel threatened, uncomfortable, or panicked.

Day 3- Make a list of signs that you are having a panic attack. This will help you be able to communicate to close friends or family members what may happen in an event you become panicked. This will also help you identify when you're having a panic attack, which will help you be able to calm down. Additionally, record some ways that will help stop the panic attack. For me, some ways of calming down are to go outside, my stuffie, breathing and grounding exercises, comfort music, and puns or jokes.

Day 4- Take some time and think about what makes you happy and relaxed. Write down your comfort music, comfort videos, and comfort characters. If you have a comfort game or movie, include that as well. This is to help you identify a source of calm, relaxation, and happiness that you can easily fall back on if you are uncomfortable or scared.

Day 5- Do some research on LGBTQIA+ labels, flags, and symbols. Write down your gender identity and what it means for you. Write down your sexual and romantic orientations as well, and what they mean for you. Additionally, draw little Pride Flags and symbols beside each label. I drew the genderfaunet flag on the inside cover of my journal, along with corresponding flowers that represent what I see in my identity, as well as what I hope to integrate into myself (Snowdrop - rebirth, Chrysanthemum - truth, Rose leaves - hope, Lilacs - growth/progress, Yarrow - healing, and Narcissus - self love)

Day 6- Write down the titles of your favorite LGBTQIA+ books, movies, TV shows, and games, or titles you want to see/read/play. Do a little digging and find out what titles sound interesting. Supporting LGBTQIA+ creators is a wonderful way to celebrate Pride.

Day 7- Journaling doesn't have to be just writing. Try drawing some LGBTQIA+ inspired art, whether it's just a few doodles, a flag or two, or a beautiful painting. Dedicate this entry to expressing yourself and your identity in a way without words.

Day 8- Write gay poetry. You may not think yourself talented or particularly good at writing poems, but that doesn't mean you should keep yourself from doing it, even for a day. Poetry is a wonderful way to bend language to your will and express yourself in a way that only you have to understand. Write a poem expressing your experience in the LGBTQIA+ community, or a poem detailing your first gay crush. Whatever you feel on your heart today, put it into beautifully unique words.

Day 9- Write about the moment you realized you weren't straight or binary. Alternatively, write about the moment you learned what the LGBTQIA+ community was. Describe your feelings and thoughts in the moment, and reflect over how they have changed and evolved over time.

Day 10- Take a moment and think about where you would be if LGBTQIA+ rights have existed all along, without the need for reform laws or protests. Write down who you think you would be, how you would live, and how easy it would be to do things you can't right now. At the same time, think about the disadvantages. Consider the lack of a fight for freedom and how that may influence your opinion or thoughts.

Day 11- Write a letter to your younger self. Tell your younger self about who you are and who you've become. Give them words of encouragement about the journey ahead. Remind your younger self that no matter what happens, you turn out to be a wonderful and beautiful person.

Day 12- Write a letter to your older self. Detail your present experience as a member/ally of the LGBTQIA+ community. Present your ideas about where the community will be moving forward and how much progress society as a whole will make. Ask yourself some questions, like "How do you celebrate your identity?" Later in the future, you can come back to this letter and respond.

Day 13- Learn some phrases or words of Polari. Polari is a critically endangered language invented by young gay men living in Britain. It was also used by circus men and theatre kids. Few LGBTQIA+ people now know of the language, so there's no better time to try to revive it.

Day 14- Do some research on Pride history. Record interesting or important events that marked the history of the LGBTQIA+ community. What happened at the first Pride Parade? Who was the first advocate for gay and lesbian marriage? What was the LGBTQIA+ community like before it was acceptable to be openly queer?

Day 15- Write a letter to those that are anti-LGBTQIA+. Explain why queer rights are humans rights. Tell them that love is love. Or, if you're feeling like letting loose that anger, just tell them off. This letter is for your eyes only, so don't be afraid to get mean if it makes you feel better.

Day 16- Take a moment and think about how you wish to represent yourself. Do you want to wear skirts and dresses? Do you prefer baggy pants and a puffy jacket? Do you like wearing makeup? How do you style your hair? Record how you currently dress and look and how you wish you could dress and look. Write about how your wishes reflect your identity.

Day 17- Write some ways you can improve on the way you treat yourself. Are you hard on yourself because you just can't make the right grade? Do you obsess over how you don't fit in to your family's standards of gender and sexuality? Give yourself some love and think about how you can be nicer to yourself. Remind yourself that school grades aren't more important than your own needs. Remember that if you are in an unhealthy relationship with friends or family, it isn't your fault.

Day 18- Write about what really makes you feel like yourself. You know better than anyone what your authentic self is. So what is it? What makes you feel really... you?

Day 19- If someone described you, what would they say? This can be anything from physical appearance to personality. This can help you think about how you present yourself to others. Do you want more people to know exactly what gender you identify as? Do you not want people to know what pronouns you prefer?

Day 20- Do some research on neopronouns. If you don't use any, perhaps you'll find a set or three you feel comfortable with (if not, that's fine!) If you can't do your own research, try making up your own set! I sometimes feel semi-feminine, like just a little teaspoon of femininity, but I don't really like she/her pronouns. So, I made for myself a set that sounds similar but isn't quite there. Xe/Xer/Xers/Xerself. The 'x' is pronounced like the 's' in 'measure.' A good way to make sure you know how to use a set of neopronouns in a sentence is to use this example I got from pronouny: Today I went to the park with xer. Xe brought xer frisbee. At least, I think it was xers. By the end of the day, xe was throwing the frisbee to xerself.

Day 21- Have you heard the phrase "black sheep of the herd"? It refers to someone that doesn't really fit in to their social group. In what ways are you the black sheep? Is it because of your identity or orientation? How can you help others to see you aren't different and shouldn't be alienated? How can you encourage people to welcome LGBTQIA+ people to the herd?

Day 22- Imagine you are teaching a class of young children about LGBTQIA+, gender, and sexual/romantic orientations. What would you say? How would you encourage them to be open minded and to explore their own identities?

Day 23- With great Pride comes great hardships. There are many obstacles and difficulties when it comes to finding your true self and figuring out your identity and orientation. What hardships have you overcome? What have you learned from them?

Day 24- One of your friends comes to you about having questions about gender identity. They are questioning their own identity and seek your help and support. List some ways you would help your friend feel supported and loved while also helping them discover their identity.

Day 25- List three things you would do if you weren't afraid. (For me, these would easily be: attending Pride Parades, advocating for queer rights, and coming out)

Day 26- Take your favorite or least favorite LGBTQIA+ ship and rewrite a scene as if they were together, or list some of your favorite queer ships.

Day 27- Discover some gender-neutral terms for things like family members, romantic partners, or honorifics (Mister, Miss, Mx.). If you can't find any you find interesting or comfortable, try creating some of your own. My pibling (parent+sibling) calls me their nibling or nibkid (NB term for sibling's child).

Day 28- Have you ever wanted to write a story? Record an idea or two, or three or four, for LGBTQIA+ stories. They can be anything from lesbian princesses to a coming-of-age trans story. Maybe you'll end up planning out your best seller!

Day 29- Think about what rights aren't granted to LGBTQIA+ people. What are they? Do they directly affect you as well? How do these lack of rights make you feel? What can you do to help advocate for these rights?

Day 30- The last day of Pride Month doesn't mean it's the last day of acceptance and love. How can you spread Pride throughout the year? How can you keep and open mind and heart and advocate for LGBTQIA+ rights? Maybe set a list of goals for yourself, things you want to keep up through the year.

[maryellencarter]

Queer asks copied from @corelliaxdreaming :

1. Is your family accepting? -- Hah. No. My bio-family is not accepting at allllll, so I went and got myself an internet family instead.

2. What is your sexuality? -- Weird. The strongest part of my identity is Aromantic. I seem to be pretty much allosexual, maybe bisexual; most of the people I find myself attracted to are men within a fairly specific category (physically fit to muscular, at least as competent as me, kind, and often a bit dorky; I also have a weakness for clever hands and sexy voices), but the women I'm attracted to cover a much broader range of appearances and personalities. I fall pretty much in the category of the one Tumblr post that said something like "Being bisexual means you're attracted to three specific fictional men and all women", even though the attraction to men... feels... more attraction-y? I'm still really struggling to figure that difference out.

3. What is your gender identity? -- Sort of genderfluid, sort of genderqueer, sort of maybe agnostically agender? I used to ID really strongly as a trans man, and then after a year or so of being accepted, I found myself turning female. I bounced back and forth for a lot of years but seem to have settled down at a point where it doesn't especially matter to me most of the time. Which is a lot more comfortable than hurtling around to different points on the gender spectrum without warning.

4. Favorite color? -- Blue. Royal blue, mostly. That really deep sky blue you get sometimes during the fall. A bunch of really bright colors.

5. When did you find out your sexuality? -- Oh, it's been a process. For a long time I identified as asexual. It took me years to figure out I was actually romance-repulsed, and more years to figure out I had any attraction to women. I'm still sort of confused by that part. Like I mostly just want to look at them being pretty, but I also definitely want to look at their boobs? Maybe touch some boobs? I'm honestly not sure.

6. What do you wish you could tell your past self? -- Oh lord. Sexuality and gender wise? I'm not sure young me could have been hurried along the process of self discovery. I'd really like to tell her she was being abused and gaslighted and that she needed to take her great-aunt's offer of a free ride and major in geology *before* she broke her health, and maybe also tell her she needed a CPAP machine, but she might just think I was a temptation of the Devil. Also I'm not sure if the CPAP machine was an option before Obamacare. Or the psych meds she needed, either.

7. Have you changed labels since realizing you were queer? -- Oh yeah, all over the place. Asexual, trans, genderqueer, biromantic (for about a week), aromantic allosexual bisexual maybe pansexual... some people apparently even count PCOS as an intersex condition, since I have a lot more beard and chest hair than is normal for perisex women, to the point that I always have to explain to a new doctor that I'm not in fact on testosterone, my body just does that. I've never quite felt right claiming the intersex label, but I've tried on a lot of others. I think my header may still say "queer on every conceivable axis".

8. How was your day? -- Um. I got stuck wandering Cracked.com for most of it. Then I drove up to check out my pulmonologist's office, which doesn't *say* they're closed for the pandemic, so I guess I'll go up again on Thursday and poke them about whether my appointment still exists. Then I went and wandered around a very large very dead mall on that side of town, hatched a bunch of pokeymans, then came home and ate some split pea soup.

9. Do you have any queer friends irl? -- I don't have *any* friends irl, and it's kicking my ass. I have like one or two coworkers I could hypothetically hang out with outside of work if we weren't so all-fired busy. But if we're talking "friends I have seen irl at some point", I'm pretty sure they're all queer. They might also be limited to @tigerkat24 and one other person who doesn't use Tumblr, I'm not sure.

10. What's your favorite hobby? -- Probably knitting. It's soft and squishy and brightly colored, and it can be as brainless or as complex as I could possibly want.

11. Who's the best queer icon in your opinion? -- I honestly don't have an opinion. I've always been too far outside the community to figure out whomst the options were.

12. Which pride flags do you like the most design / color wise? -- Pansexual. I'd probably have a lot more pride merch if I IDed as pan, but it just never feels like it fits quite right.

13. Do you wish you could change any pride flags? -- YES. The aro flag is the exact same colors as the agender flag, just in a different arrangement, and it pisses me off because you can't distinguish aro merch from agender merch unless it's specifically flag shaped / has the stripe arrangement. I liked the yellow/orange/green/black aro flag, I found it much more cheerful, but apparently it was too similar to something Rastafarian. But you can't find alloaro flag merch at *all*, even though it has the green and yellow, which I like.

14. Are you openly out? -- Can't really help it, since I legally changed my name to a distinctively masculine one back in the day, and I do not remotely pass as male. So anybody who both sees or hears me and knows my legal name, knows there's *something* queerish going on. (I go by a gender neutral name these days, but haven't yet been arsed to change it legally because it's an entire hassle and a half.)

15. Are you comfortable with yourself? -- Mneh. I'm not *un*comfortable with my gender and sexuality, particularly. Sometimes I wish I could pass as male, sometimes I wish I could have cute cleavage. Sometimes I tie myself in knots with my feelings about women.

16. Do you experience dysphoria? -- I used to, very strongly. It hasn't been very aggressive lately.

17. Bottom, top, or verse? -- *shrugs* I guess I'd be a switch or "verse" because I'm down for whatever.

18. Are you femme, butch, or neither? -- I swing wildly between wishing to present Extremely Butch in a lumberjack style, which is impractical in the Southwest, or wishing to present Extremely Femme but being unable to do so, and tying myself in knots over the inability. (I can't wear femmey shoes due to my stupid feet, I can't have pierced ears as they get infected and the one pair of nice lightweight handcrafted earrings I paid $50 for is gone with the rest of my shit, I'm too lorge to find any nice dresses or be able to like try on prom dresses and stuff, I have a tendency to break jewelry as I'm extremely rough on my possessions... etc.) In practice my gender presentation is Fat Slob. :P

19. Do you bind? -- Not technically, but I do wear cheap sports bras which tend to flatten rather than lift or shape.

20. Do you shave? -- Only by necessity. I shave my face when I remember, because my beard looks extremely douchey and rather like pubes. Occasionally I shave my cleavage if I'm trying to present femmey. I pretty much never shave anything else unless the hair is getting Smelly.

21. If you could date anyone you wanted, who would it be? -- Um. Good question. The thing is, I am fairly strongly romance-repulsed, but I do want and enjoy queerplatonic relationships, so I would draw a distinction here between "dating" someone and being "in a relationship" with them.

22. Are you in a relationship? -- Yes, in fact.

23. Describe your partner. -- @camshaft22 . Um. She's very much the Hobbie to my Wes. She's very snarky and dies a lot and I love her very much.

24. Have you ever dated anyone of the same gender? -- Given that we're both genderfluid, I would say I'm in a relationship with someone of the same gender, yes.

25. Dated anyone of another gender? -- I've never dated or been in a relationship with anyone else, so I guess the answer is no.

26. Tell me a random fact about yourself! -- I always use this one, but I once lived in four different states (mostly non-contiguous) within a calendar month.

27. Do you own any pride flags / merch? -- No. I used to have a whole-ass collection that I added to every Pride, and then I lost all my damn shit and haven't had the heart to start looking again. Well, I have a rainbow necklace Kat sent me which is pretty nice. Can't wear it till my damn sunburn heals, though. :P

28. Have you ever been to a pride parade? -- Yes, when I lived in Bisbee. They have quite an excellent Pride which draws people from as far off as Denver.

29. Any advice to someone who isn't out or is exploring themselves? -- Take your time. It's okay if things change. You don't have to solve yourself all at once. It's more important to find people who will accept whoever you turn out to be.

30. Pineapple on pizza? -- I've honestly never tried it. Part of me feels like I should, in order to develop an opinion, and part of me feels like I'm just as happy being outside of that particular debate.

[kayl096]

So I've come to some realizations. And also still am confused about a lot. But anyways I'm going to share here because i dont really have anywhere else to.

I identify as androgyne. A lot of people have known me to be a transman so let me explain a bit. I'll try to keep organized but no promises.

I did really believe that i was a transman. It seemed to be the most fitting by definition and experience to describe what i feel and was actually something i could better explain to people.

Realistically though I've always felt this confusion within me of neutrality but also leaning way more masculine. I was often conflicted when seeing myself in the mirror, getting ready, introducing myself, presenting myself online or irl. I held a confusion for a long time of "Am i a very masculine girl or a feminine guy?" And for years drew a blank. It was pretty much with me my entire life as soon as i had any sense of self and a realization that i was different than the kids in school. People on the regular were coming over to me and asking if i was a boy or girl and i never really knew what to say.

The older i got the harder it got. It really got me one day when getting ready for school and realizing i was trying to look handsome not pretty. I was about 13 maybe.

I began openly identifying as queer/androgynous. It was the most comfortable i had ever been with myself. That lasted for a couple years.

Ever sense puberty started giving me a chest, i had wanted it to go away so badly. I was practicing "binding" in so many ways before i even knew what that meant. And this discomfort persisted even when at my most comfortable time of self expression.

At around age 15/16 i learned about transmen. I learned what it meant to transition, i learned about top surgery, i read and listened to stories i could relate to. I thought oh my gosh this is it! This is why i am the way i am! I came out as a transman.

At 18 i was able to start hormones and at 20 had top surgery.

I enjoyed certain changes from T and didnt like some as much that became more apparent as time went on. After a while i began questioning myself because i realized i didnt actually want to be an actual man. The choices i made for myself did alleviate dysphoria but there was a stopping point. I didnt want to go any further.

I found myself back in that neutral place. If i am not trans why would doing this help? If i was cis i wouldnt be so thankful for what transitioning did do to help me.

I came to the conclusion i am just very androgynous more masculine leaning. I did have dysphoria and i did what was necessary to help it. I transitioned to an androgynous body because that's who i am. But also realistically apart from my chest i never really hated my body and probably could've done without T except i was glad to not have such a squeaky voice and also look fit bc of body fat redistribution and the abiltiy to gain muscle easier.

Im trying to accept that and trying to figure out which pronouns to use but they all feel weird at this point.

And of course ive also been told i cant experience dysphoria without being binary trans. And i thought that too because it makes a lot more sense and would be a lot easier for me to be. But im just, not. I know what i feel and it's a feeling I've had for as long as i remember.

I havent told many people in my life because well, it's hard to explain and its not like a whole lot is gonna change so unless i decide strictly on 1 set of pronouns, i dont think I'll mention it to my fam. Im still me, i still wear mens clothing as always, and they went through a lot w me over all this already.

Right now i try to take every pronoun used by strangers as neutral. Theyre just words. And on a daily at work i get mixed pronouns so maybe hearing people say different things will help me figure out what's most comfortable.

[alexdanversfbi]

Supergirl, Sanvers Fandom and LGBTQ - in response to Twitter Posts.

I’m making a post to try & clarify some things since I made a post, & subsequent issues that have arisen from it. Forewarning, this is going to be quite lengthy but I hope you will read it carefully and fully.

Firstly, I’m a transgender man. I’m in my early 50’s. I’m happily married.

My wife (who now ID’s as bi, but for a long time until my transition, was lesbian, as I had lived as well), quite honestly have been involved in the LGBT community & push for representation and law changes longer than many Sanvers fans have been alive.

I say this to make the point, not to say it makes us better at it, or everyone needs to listen only to us - but that to say we’ve seen no representation, to poor & patchy representation, to representation starting to improve.

Both in laws of the land & on screen.

We’ve faced homophobia & seen transphobia up front and personal since childhood. My in-laws were a staunch allies for lgbt people. My mother in law was a beard to a friend of hers, as they went to underground parties simply so he could date another man. Sadly, my own family were less supportive, & while I wasn’t kicked out of my home, I didn’t get unconditional love & support either. While my father is now dead, I’m still facing it today with a mother who is terrible at acknowledging transgender me.

It all has a long way to go - and it might seem glacial to some, but in the decades we’ve seen it going on, there is far more good than there ever was. It’s still mixed in with the bad though. But more on that later.

I got into the SG fandom late.

Really late!

As late as about 3 months ago, because as a surprise for my wife, I bought her tickets for Ultimates specifically to see Flo as an early wedding anniversary present (it’s in May). She had watched the show (although had stopped before the end of S3 after the debacle of Sanvers and the ridiculous storylines being assigned to Alex). I hadn’t even done that.

However, she still talked about it, but because of what happened with Sanvers had said it wasn’t worth me watching it (she had watched it separately from me for a number of different reasons), because of how bad it was.

So I didn’t bother. Why watch something that was going to destroy any good it gave.

My wife though did say how there were (up until the shitstorm of S3) parallels to Maggie’s (& to Alex’s) stories to another program we did watch on UK TV Bad Girls, and Nikki Wade with Helen Stewart. Nikki was kicked out of the family home for being gay at 16. Was an out lesbian. Helen had only been with men, met Nikki, questioned her relationships - and eventually, unlike SG, they gave them the happy ending.

She also remarked how Flo had left for good reasons because of the way Maggie was written beyond the arc of girlfriend to Alex.

Remember, I wasn’t around the fandom, and to be honest, although my wife is a fan of Sanvers & Flo - she wasn’t really around social media either, particularly at the time Flo left. She hadn’t followed any Sanvers fans at that point.

So neither of us had seen the Flo hate. We’ve heard about it - but since neither of us were active at that time, we simply haven’t seen it.

It does not mean for one split second we condone stuff like that, any more than we condone hate sent to any actor or actress, regardless of the circumstances.

So I’m nipping in the bud any accusations of Flo hate from me now. It couldn’t be further from the truth.

We did see some Flo hate on Instagram as S2 of The punisher started and my wife went in on occasion to defend her.

I could do it - but I have crippling anxiety. Even writing this is because of the support of my wife.

It does mean I find it hard - extremely hard - to go in unannounced to people I don’t know to say anything.

My wife does though stand up if she sees anything. It’s just her online time is often restricted.

Back to SG now - we weren’t watching, even though Nicole Maines was cast, but because I was late to watching SG, it really wasn’t something I was aware of.

I will add, my main social media presence until the last couple of months was Facebook or Instagram. So it did pass me by.

Both of us actually, as my wife - due to disability - isn’t always the most active either. She had heard of it, but we often have other stuff in real life going on (hospital & doctor appointments etc), and that was one of those times, so it was there, but not up front & centre for us.

Now this might not seem like a big deal to some or a good enough reason to watch, but to me this is my Maggie moment when I did realise what was going on fully.

As a Transgender man, to see a transgender superhero finally being cast - that was great news.

What wasn’t so great - it was via SG. A program that had shown demonstratively poor judgement & queer baiting since the loss of Flo.

Were we worried that Nicole’s character would get the same treatment?

Absolutely we were.

However, coupled with having bought my wife tickets for Ultimates to meet Flo, I decided to watch SG, since it meant I had an idea about who we’d be meeting.

Then Nicole was added as a guest and that was it. Tough as it might be, we had two reasons to watch.

My wife warned me what was to come. How Sanvers broke up. How poor the writing became (not just Sanvers, but Alex, Mon-El and far more than I can get into here). Despite being warned, I loved the start. I loved (& still love Sanvers). I get why it became so important for a lot of viewers.

I hate how it was dealt with on screen at the end.

Utterly despise it in fact.

But remember, I only came into this recently, so I have no history of how it played out in real time on social media.

I’d become a huge Chyler fan (but I enjoyed her as Lexie) as I loved Alex, the wife is still a huge Flo fan.

Sanvers even had me drawing again for the 1st time in 15 years (see my pinned Tweet as it’s a Sanvers kiss).

But Ultimates was booked.

Then Nicole came along.

So we both grit our teeth and started watching the rest of S3, and what had already been shown of S4 (to show you how late this was, it was already to episode 13 of S4 when we started it).

Season 3 and the first 10 or 11 episodes of S4 are ….. at best badly written. Poor storylines, plot holes you could drive a bus through … but despite all this, we took what we could because the Nia storyline was being handled fairly well.

Now we could argue why settle for something so poor? Why not push for better representation.

I cannot stress enough (and honestly, the whole thing I was trying to put in a 240 character Tweet that has resulted in all this), that for us the show had now put in representation & produced something we’d not seen until now.

The show has moved on, and goodness me, if you truly think I expect people to move on, then it isn’t the case. I was merely trying to explain, that even previously staunch Sanvers fans might well now watch for completely different reasons.

It doesn’t mean there are other staunch Sanvers fans who should move on. You are just as valid in what you want.

It doesn’t even mean the fight for Sanvers as endgame should stop, and people of differing views can still want that to happen.

It was definitely not to bash Maggie (or Flo), particularly as it was Flo who was the reason we are attending Ultimates.

For me the reason I now watch is because of Nia and Alex.

My wife because of Nia.

As difficult as it is to palate for a lot of you (understandably), there are also going to be those who’ll watch the new LI because it’s another area of representation in having a gay black woman on screen.

We’ve (wife & myself) been around long enough to know what poor & good representation looks like. Heck, good representation is nigh on impossible to find - I can say Helen & Nikki were one of the lucky ones. In the 20 years since that’s happened, I’m struggling to find many others. They are out there, but when it’s only a dozen or so at best, it’s tough.

As my wife remarked the other week; when Jes MacCallan wears a t-shirt at Clexacon that lists wlw and it’s barely enough to be on the front of said t-shirt - that shows how poor it’s been. And then most didn’t have a happily ever after. Sure it’s not a comprehensive list, but it does help prove how poor it’s been.

But also remember as poor as that has been, there are some (like trans or gay men or black women) who’ve had even less. They deserve more, & sometimes that starting point is horribly bad.

We’ve also been around long enough to know it isn’t black & white. It isn’t linear.

Just like coming out, you constantly have to do it. That sometimes means taking what is the worst outcome, but using it to steadily push for the better ones. It sometimes means you might have to take that step backwards to move forwards.

It can also feel unsavoury to do that.

A prime example I can think of here in the UK is we remember when people first started touting same sex marriage - and at that point, they were in process of changing the law on same sex adoption.

For those not aware of the UK law that was - it allowed single gay people to adopt, but not couples .... so stupidly a gay person could adopt if single, and then become involved with someone else, but if you were in a committed relationship no go - anyway, from that law the discussion to get marriage in place started. Gay men were openly likened to those opposing the law change to peodophiles, as sadly still happens to gay men today.

That change in adoption law was a big step forward in getting the laws on marriage here changed.

Then came civil partnership. So many people were angry it wasn’t enough and many said it was in fact a step back. Yet, for us it was a huge step forward. I kept trying to explain then, you often have to take the least favourable option to keep pushing for the best outcome. That marriage could happen, but don’t dismiss what was occurring simply because it wasn’t good enough for you.

It is an exhausting situation, to constantly push for better representation. This is a process. Occasionally that process will force steps back - but as long as the overall push is bigger than that, it will carry on.

For me, I do think that Alex is slowly getting a better deal as a character and I’ve enjoyed the latter part of her story arc in S4.

Does it mean it’s as good as it was or could be?

No, it doesn’t. But it also doesn’t mean - and this is my opinion, and believe it or not I’m okay if people watching don’t agree - pretty much all of S3 (honestly that is a clusterfuck of epic proportions) and the first half of S4 are about as bad as it can be.

Nicole has also had good representation though. There is a lot that resonates for me. A lot I wish I could’ve seen as a child growing up, not in my early 50’s.

Think about that.

I’m finally seeing good representation in my 50’s for the first time.

Albeit in a program that has far from stellar representation for a long time.

This isn’t the 2nd, or 3rd or however many times it has gone on for lesbian couples on TV.

That for me is a huge deal. Huge!

Like a black gay woman is going to be huge for some others.

However, it also means if the LI for Alex gets storylines that Flo deserved I won’t be pissed.

You can bet I will be. As will my wife.

We’ll undoubtedly rip apart the producers for it at home, as we’ve done so many times. Just because people haven’t seen it, doesn’t mean it hasn’t been said.

I guess what I’m trying to say in all this rambling is I truly have no quarrel with people wanting to stay solely as Sanvers fans. I just want to be allowed to go beyond that (and I would love nothing more than Sanvers endgame), even if that seems counterintuitive to some of you.

I’ve never posted anything with ulterior motives to attack any group of fans. It might have appeared that way for some - but truly I simply posted something on my timeline as a general observation. It was not directed at anyone per se.

I’ve realised that it’s been construed as such, but those who do know me also know I will never disparage others intentionally. If it comes across as such, it was - believe it not - unintentionally done. If you don’t want to believe that, I can’t change that, but I do ask you don’t keep saying stuff about it to me.

I’ve not seen much beyond interacting with some mutuals on Twitter.

It appears there is a far greater history going on than I could have ever imagined between some people.

So for now - I’m going to post my usual things but to try to avoid posting directly to followers except family & friends away from the fandom.

To make it absolutely clear I never intend or intended to get pulled into a war of words with anyone.

I just want to enjoy Sanvers - and for me personally, go beyond that.

It’s just I’ve seen so much progress for the LGBT community, even if it could be faster.

I saw lesbian activists disrupting the BBC news in protest to the government of the time and Clause 28.

I saw the news report of the bomb that went off in a gay Soho nightclub.

I watched friends become stigmatised for being gay men at the start of the AIDS crisis.

I saw people fighting HIV & later AIDS & some dying as a result.

I’ve seen this and far more. I’ve actively campaigned on issues ranging from animal rights to LGBT rights, when the T wasn’t even part of the acronym, to nuclear disarmament and far more.

I’ve seen more positives finally coming about in the last 18 years than anything that’s gone before it.

We’ll face steps backwards. Some will be greater than others, but make no mistake, the strides forward are bigger.

Activism for better representation isn’t just something to hinge on one TV storyline or show - it can just be about that of course - but life is messy. It takes steps in many different directions for many different people.  

If people were offended, then I am saying sorry.

It has though been difficult to become embroiled in something that is far further reaching than I had any idea about.

One of the perils of being so new to the fandom I guess.

And now I’m off to cuddle one of our cats.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

band rant:

okay, so. i never get involved in band drama nowadays bc like who has the time for that? but i felt like i had to say something on this topic.

today i woke up to being tagged on a fb article about how absolutely disgustingly creepy and inappropriate fans are being at p!atd concerts, when brendon urie does a big walk through the crowd during the song death of a bachelor. the thing that disturbed me the most about the people that lick or kiss him or do other creepy/concerning things (without his consent) is that they’re literally adults in their 20s, or at least that’s what people were assuming in the comments on the article, who should know that this stuff is creepy asf.

like don’t get me wrong, it took me literal years in my teens to realise that my attitude towards brendon and other band members (who I won’t mention by name here, but y’all know who they are by now) was creepy. 

 I’d make jokes about turning up their shows naked under a trench coat or how if i ever lived in the states they’d all have restraining orders out on me bc i’d follow to them to their houses and shit. hell, I even made a joke coming home from a concert once that i wouldn’t wash my hands for a week bc i touched one of the guitarist’s guitars and their hand at a show in 2009 (y’all can all guess who that was). i cried for an hour on the way home, bc i did actually wash my hands after that show. seriously 13/14yo me was a fucking freak when it came to her fave bands. 

but the difference between me and these creepy presumably 20something women who should know better is that i was a kid who didn’t know any better and thought these jokes and other ones i made (like tagging a particular band’s members on my crotch and my very non-existent bewbs (*teenaged sniggering*) at that point, on my myspace with sexual tags) were funny and not creepy. when on the contrary, they were really, really fucking inappropriate/creepy and NOT FUNNY (bc these guys were in their fucking 20s (!!!!!!) and i was a literal goddamn child in high school). 

it wasn’t until I was about 15/16 however, that i realised that i wouldn’t like some random kid turning up on my lawn to scream at me or turning up to my shows naked etc. but younger me thought her fave celebs owed her their time and stuff.... when they don’t. at all. in any sense of the matter. and yes, when I found those mentioned myspace tags at 18 when I went through my MS before it got deleted: I WAS FUCKING MORTIFIED. DO NOT DO THAT SHIT ON SOCIAL MEDIA. EVER. PERIOD. 

finally, to finish this part of the post, the topic of consent wasn’t as openly discussed 10 years ago, back when i was doing this shit. if it was ever was discussed, it wouldnt’ve been like it is now, and I would’ve been to selfish and young to care about it tbh. bc after all, teenage me was an asshole. it’s only recently, (meaning like 2013), that I started to better assess my behaviours towards famous people (especially my faves/idols/role models) and my ignorance of their obvious non-consent in these scenarios.

the very same goes for these incidents. like, who the fuck wants a completely random stranger (and especially one that should know better by now) randomly kissing them or licking them???? what the fuck????? and then other weird things like intentionally grabbing their face etc??? i don’t fucking care if you’re inebriated (bc it’s a concert and if you’re over 18 in aus or over 21 in the US, why wouldn’t you have a couple of drinks? but this is currently happening on p!atd’s US tour) while you’re at p!atd shows. i don’t fucking care if you think that brendon urie is “my (your) baby! <3 *sigh* 😍😍😍😍😍😍” (girl he ain’t your baby, let me tell ya.) and “oooh my ovaries!!!” 🤤🤤🤤😩😩😩 (idk what constitutes as a swooning emoji lol) or any other weird fangirl nonsense speak shit you want to throw at me, because:

THIS SHIT IS CREEPY ASF. IT. NEEDS. TO. STOP.

like for the women apparently doing this, think about it this way: if some creepo dude in the club starts kissing you when you’ve repeatedly told him to fuck off or whatever.... or just randomly approaches you for a hug; you’d be grossed out and uncomfortable right? now stand in a famous person’s shoes, at their shows meeting fans and having them doing this to you. how do you feel? surely you feel exactly like you do when that creepy fuckwit dude gives you an unsolicited/unconsented kiss at a bar. or when someone touches you in general without your consent.

brendon has literally told the p!atd fan base on multiple fucking occasions about HOW UNCOMFORTABLE, UNEASY AND FUCKING CREEPED OUT HE IS when random fans kiss/lick him or do other creepy fucking shit like grabbing his face without his consent. just because he’s famous, and you love him soooo much XDDDD, or just bc you’ll probably never see him again after the concert or whatever other weird bullshit justification(s) y’all wanna give, DO NOT GIVE YOU THE GROUNDS TO DO THIS SHIT.  I REPEAT: THESE REASONS/JUSTIFICATIONS DO NOT GIVE YOU THE GROUNDS TO DO THIS SHIT.

he has told you stop again and again. pls just stop. just because brendan urie is famous, it doesn’t mean that his safety and personal space should be violated in this twisted manner. obvs you could say that “hey he should expect this when he interacts with a crowd bc he’s famous. he should just deal with it. 🤷🏻‍♀️ but why should he? he should not have to deal with this, when he has requested again and again for it to cease. just grow the fuck up and respect his boundaries, yeah?

anyway the point of this rant is that you should fucking respect your faves boundaries, safety and requests to stop any fucking behaviour that makes them feel uncomfortable y’all. just be decent human beings yeah?

rant over.

an addendum: if you’re a woman or just generally a person who condemns and considers entitled male fans who scream things like “HEY SEXY WANNA MARRY ME?!” or “I WANNA FUCK YOU!” at female solo acts/female lead singers like idk lady gaga or hayley williams (paramore) etc or any other weird shit that happens to female acts as creepy... but you don’t think literally grabbing someone’s face or even licking your finger before you touch a stranger (which was another weird thing a fan did at a p!atd show).... all because it happened to a man; then take a good long hard look at yourself in the mirror and look at your fucking hypocritical bullshit. because this is the exactly the same shit as what happens to female acts.

so in short, you’ll stand in solidarity with female acts and agree that this is unacceptable behaviour (bc feels as a woman, right? and women are TIRED OF THIS Y’ALL), but you won’t stand with a guy when it happens to them? that’s fucked bruh. y’all need to sort out your priorities and shit STAT. learn that this behaviour is fucked up and unacceptable etc from both genders (or all genders if you’re non-binary or trans etc) and on all fronts. again, I’ll assert that you just have to be a fucking decent and normal human being in this instance. and *elle woods voice* is it really, like, that fucking hard?

[neuroweird]

all of the lesbian asks, my dude

Lesbians Asks 

1 )  Femme of Butch? 

I consider myself more futch, but I like both either, all lesbians.

2 ) Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it

I have an emotional type. Someone who shares some similar interests, but has unique interests as well. Personality traits that complement each other’s, a love language I can work with. Someone with whom a relationship is an adventure and a learning experience. Someone who is adventurous with food and at least some inclination toward healthy / active lifestyles.

3 )  Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

Plaid button up under a leather jacket.

4 )  Describe your style.

Chronic pain chique? Grey tone futch with a pop of colour? 

5 )  Describe your aesthetic.

My “personal” pinterest board.

6 )  Favorite article of clothing?

My grey speckled crewneck sweatshirt. 

7 )  Favorite pair of shoes?

My running shoes, bc that’s where my orthotics are.

8 ) Current haircut? 

Just long enough to put a tiny little ponytail in it, but short enough that not all my hair fits. Also an undercut at the back.

9 )  Any haircut goals for the future?

Currently growing it out. I want it long again, which I haven’t had since I was like… 12.

10 )  Describe the best date you’ve been on.

I’m like the worst person to ask this, since I’ve only gone out with my gf. We went out for brunch on our anniversary two years ago and it was very sweet.

11 )  Describe the worst date you’ve been on.

It was with this trans guy who I didn’t know was a trans guy for the first month I knew him. He had a gender neutral (Jules) name at the time so I just thought he was butch. My friend told me that he was a trans guy and I was like “wow thank god I never misgendered him to his face”. 

He asked me  out and sort of misheard me when I said “my mom and sister love chocolate but I like savoury foods more”… so he took me to this place called Coco70 which… only sells chocolate dishes… and then we missed the more date appropriate movie we were gonna see and saw Hunger Games (2?) instead.

He was really so sweet, but I didn’t think I was right for him because he was self conscious about how much taller I am than him. He tried so hard to make it special and I appreciated that, but boy was it awkward after I told him I didn’t think I could date him anymore. 

12 )  Single? Taken? 

I’ve been in a relationship for over 5 years now, but we’re open with it. Thus I am very much open to dating other girls. 

13 )  If taken, talk about your girlfriend.

Alice is a lovely person! She adores her cat, and is an amazing writer. She’s a take no shit kind of person, and I appreciate that. She is caring to the point of stressing herself out, she loves to cook (she’s a great cook!).

14 ) If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife?

Everything in 11, but also someone whose idea of “clean” is complementary to mine, similar desires about kids, adventurous ideas about sex? Career ambitions? Likes cats/dogs/both? Someone who would want to be active/better our health together. 

15 )  Describe your dream wedding. 

Oh my gosh. I cannot possibly do that. I have a “weddings” board on pinterest with different ideas. Nothing too extravagant, nothing too small. Balanced. It would depend on the woman I’m marrying 100%.

16 )  Do you want kids? 

I do !  I am uncertain about the method of becoming a mother, but I’m not opposed to adopting, having a donor, myself or my partner carrying the baby (or babies). It all depends really. But yes, I want to be a mother. 

17 )  If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

Somewhere not too hot but not too cold. I’d really love to be successful enough to have condos in cities around the world. 

18 )  Favourite lesbian movie. 

God. I’m a cliche. It’s Carol (2015).

19 )  Favourite lesbian novel/story? 

Carol. Again. I need some lesbian book recs. Can I say my own? Because I’m writing my own. 

20 )  Favourite lesbian song? 

Talia by King Princess? 

21 )  Favourite lesbian musician? 

I am… uncultured… King Princess? 

22 ) What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any?

I lean on everything, and dyke spread.

23 ) Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

My girlfriend’s neighbours thought I was her bc we both had buzz cuts when I visited her, despite her being like 4-5 inches shorter than me.

24 )  If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that?

I love having matching jewelry with who I’m dating. Get me a necklace or a ring or something and have one for you too? I’m all yours. Also my love language is “words of affirmation” and “receiving gifts”, the latter of which means that I love gifts, but it doesn’t have to be a monetary item, it could be a cool rock.

25 )  Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

Not having to give men any attention. 

26 )  Are you more of a cat person or a dog person?

I like either but I enjoy cats for size and their independence. 

27 ) Turn ons. 

I need to leave a little bit of mystery. 

28 ) Turn offs?

Lack of cleanliness, condescension?

29 )   Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

I am a huge coward, and unless there is some mutual interest I just die a little until I either break tell them I want to date them or drop hints until they do? Alice and I just literally decided to be in a relationship, there was no real dating-asking.

30 )  What is your dream career?

Screenwriter, novelist, filmmaker. 

31 )  Talk about your interests or hobbies!

I write a lot, I’m working on a few novels and screenplays. You can find my work at @melrosiewrites​ which is my writeblr. I also dabble in photoshop, and read quite a bit. 

32 )  What is the most attractive quality a woman can have?

Usually her face. A nice smile is very captivating. 

33 )  Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

It would be nice not to get petty crushes on all my friends. Does that say enough? 

34 ) Ever fallen for your best-friend?

Nope.

35 )  Ever fallen for a straight girl?

Nope.

36 ) The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?)

I watched it. I was a bit young for it. What a mess. 

37 )  Favorite comfort food?

French fries? Sushi?

38 ) Coffee or tea? 

Tea, with honey. 

39 )  Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above? 

Omnivore, but not against going more plant based. Definitely prepared to accommodate someone’s diet (choice or allergy based). I would like to buy more organic, free range, meat. 

40 )  Do you have any pets. 

Not at the moment. 

41 )  Early riser, or night owl? 

I prefer being up early, but I don’t like alarm clocks, I’d rather the sunlight wake me. I go to bed at like 10 PM. 

42 )  What is your sign?

Taurus. 

43 )  Can you drive? 

I cannot. 

44 )  Who was your first lesbian crush? 

The only openly gay girl in my highschool, who’s a little dumb bc I told her twice that I liked her, but she was very surprised when I told her the second time. She is so butch and now she’s married and a mom! Her wife is expecting their child soon. I’m so happy for her.

45 )  At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

I knew I wasn’t straight when I was like 14? But I identified as bi for most of highschool. I only decided I was a lesbian when I was 18. 

46 )  At what age did you come out (if you have)?

Probably soldily after I got with Alice. So, a little over 5 years ago. 

47 ) Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

I would marry Sarah Paulson in a heartbeat. Okay. Otherwise. No serious crushes.

48 ) Talk about how your day went. 

I bought maroon gloves that match my scarf, three face masks and those loopy hairbands before class, then bought Timmies for lunch, and have been answering all of these while listening to a guest lecturer in my “the city after dark” class. I’m going to help a family friend with her daughter’s birthday party after.

49 )  Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future.

Able to afford everything I need to better my health and maintain my health. My dream wardrobe, my dream home (homes?). I want to be challenged in my creative passions, and I want to share them and be a well known screenwriter and filmmaker. 

50 ) Least favourite gay celebrity? 

Uh. Aub*ey Pl*za? She said something a bit distasteful and a bit transphobic a while back, but otherwise I just don’t really like her vibe. Not too deep. 

[gocatboygo]

1-50 for Sarsaparilla?

ohhh my god skfjskdf sarsaparilla has no development whatsoever this is gonna be a blast and a half

1) which faction did they side with (NCR, legion, yes-man, or house)?

she sided with the legion from the time she saw vulpes in nipton bc Romam Armor Look Cool, cured caesar of his tumor & everything, and then just before the battle of hoover dam, assassinated caesar and sided with yes-man. she realized about halfway through her work for caesar that siding with the legion was never going to pay off and decided to Fool Him TM and then take vegas for herself

2) preferred armor?

OOF probably like… leather armor sdkfjsdk i dont know. she wore the tribal raiding armor at the very beginning of the game. she doesnt wear the legion uniform but i imagine her w some Legion Accessories TM like a mark of caesar on her chest or something

3) melee, guns, energy weapons, or unarmed?

melee babey

4) highest skills? secondary skills? lowest skills?

her highest skills are melee, stealth, and medicine (she polishes that up real nice when she realizes caesar has cancer). secondary skills are explosives and lockpick. lowest skills would have to be barter and survival :/

5) SPECIAL stats?

im just guessing at this point bc i dont remember them skdfjkd but i would say ST:5, PE:6, EN:4, CH:4, IN:6, AG:9, LK:9

6) what are their perks?

black widow, cherchez la femme, friend of the night, cannibal, scrounger, ninja

7) favorite companions? least favorite companions?

literally no one will hang out w her bc she’s legion ksdfjsd. she takes boone as a companion at the very beginning of the game and then she has to kill him. her fave would probably be cass, or raul, who is the Only Mf who will talk to her

8) any romantic partners? how do these relationships begin and end? are they healthy?

she thinks vulpes is hot for 0.2 seconds but she also thinks that about violet, gloria van graff, and some securitrons so i wouldnt worry about it

9) gender / sexuality / ethnicity / species / etc.?

cis female / bi / asian / human ((i just realized all my couriers are cis even though im trans as hell sdkfjsdkfsdj yikes))

10) where were they born/raised? when/why did they leave?

she doesn’t remember anything from b4 the bullet but she’s from new reno. she left because it’s new reno.

11) when, why and how did they become a courier? how long did they remain a courier before benny shot them?

she needed work after she left home and delivering packages didn’t seem terrible. she did it for like 2 years max before she got shot

12) how did the bullet affect them?

took out most of her memories (including her name) and sort of scrambled her good sense. she doesn’t feel very much fear, restraint, or remorse anymore, which is why she’s been doing All This recently

13) how did they deal with benny?

seduced him, slept with him, killed him in his sleep, and took his roomba yes-man

14) what’s their reputation with the ncr / the legion?

the ncr - fucking horrible she can barely go on the strip sdjfskdsd. pile body upon body babey. / the legion - superb. sparkling. if she weren’t a woman they’d even stop insulting her

15) what do the people in freeside think of them? the followers, the kings, the garrets, the van graffs?

the followers aren’t a fan of her because of all that legion business. the kings like her because she takes care of rex. the garrets generally dislike her. the van graffs like her a lot because she let them kill cass & did all their quests

16) what’s their reputation with goodsprings / novac / primm? (i know primm reputation was cut from the game but like let’s pretend for a minute sdkfjd)

goodsprings: bad bc she sided with the powder gangers kdsfjs / novac: she did come fly with me so its lookin alright! / primm: very mixed bc she’s pro-powder ganger but she also got them a new sheriff (meyer) 

17) what’s their reputation with the khans / the brotherhood / the boomers / the powder gangers?

the khans: she’s a Legion Ambassador… a shining monument of their new allies… Excellent and yet they know fuckall about her / bos: well she did blow up that whole bunker. / boomers: i dont remember / powder gangers: as i mentioned before she sided with them at goodsprings and made meyer a sheriff so they like her a lot. boxcars is happy to see her

18) what do the people on the strip think of them? the omertas, the white gloves, the chairmen, ncr military police, mr. house? do the gamblers like them?

the omertas: she did cachino’s quest so it’s pretty good / white gloves: idolized / chairmen: hey that’s the fink that killed benny / ncrmp: BAD / mr house: well considering the fact that she killed him, not excellent 

19) what is their motive for taking vegas?

literally just ‘she wants to’. the whole point of this courier was that she’s a no rules run, she’s lost a lot after the bullet scrambled her brain and she’s literally just doing whatever she wants to do

20) do they have a theme song?

no :(

21) what do they look like? how tall are they? are they attractive? any piercings, tattoos, scars?

she has black hair in the “blast back” style. pretty short, like 5′4″. no piercings or tattoos (but she probably gets a legion brand at some point w like the mars symbol or something). there’s of course a bullet scar on her head, and a few around her arms and torso.  

22) how old are they? do they know their birthday? if so, what’s their sign?

she’s in her early-mid twenties, very young. im not sure if she remembers her bday (probs not) but she’s a Sagittarius 

23) do they speak any languages other than english?

god no. she doesnt even try to learn latin jhjhkjgfkj she pronounces all of it wrong and caesar’s like please shut up,

24) can they read, write, do math, sing? did they ever receive an education?

she went to school in new reno so she can do all that. maybe not sing.

25) what were their parents like? are they still on good terms with their parents?

i honestly havent given it much thought. her parents were probably Just Okay TM. she doesn’t remember them.

26) what’s their d&d alignment? (bolded bc i really like that one ksdjfksd)

chaotic neutral, leaning into chaotic evil.

27) how’s their karma?

not great

28) how do they feel about killing people? do they try to avoid it?

like i said, the bullet messed w her remorse a lot, so it doesn’t particularly bother her anymore.

29) do they take chems? if yes, when and which ones?

yes, sometimes! usually mentats, buffout, med-x, or psycho.

30) do they gamble? where? is their luck good?

she likes to gamble. usually at the ultra-luxe. her luck is pretty good!

31) where do they usually sleep? do they have more than one home location? do they live with any other people?

she usually stays in the lucky 38, in her hotel room in novac, or in the tent Big C TM hooked her up with at the fort. if it comes to it she’ll sleep in the ncrcf. no one else really lives in her 38 save for the securitrons

32) what are their favorite weapons? where did they get these weapons?

her caesar’s fall collection legion-brand machete babeyyyy, one n only! she’ll also use a pistol (a light shining in darkness most of the time since u know she sides w joshua graham) or a police baton if that’s appropriate

33) do they flirt a lot? is it well-received?

yes she does and no it isnt! she licked vulpes. just. right on his visibly ugly face. one time she tried to climb yes-man

34) do they goof around a lot? do other people find it funny or do they just entertain themselves?

once again yes she does and no they do not! she’s doin it all for her, baby. chaotic neutral here we go

35) what do their companions think of them? are they close? have they done any companion quests?

the companions,, obviously dont think very well of her most of the time bc she’s legion. cass thinks she’s a Real Wild Card and respects her for that at first. raul doesn’t like her very much but he’ll still travel with her from time to time just to see what she Does TM.

36) why did you create them?

i wanted to do a no rules run! like i thought it would be cool to just. do the craziest things i could think of in fnv and do it all with one courier. and thus sarsaparilla was born

37) do they draw, paint, play any instruments?

hell no

38) how do they deal with injuries? do they use stimpaks, healing powder, med-x? does a companion help them? can they bear a lot of pain, or do they need to attend to injuries immediately? when they do have to see a doctor, do they have a preferred doctor, or do they just see anyone?

she uses all 3 depending on how bad the wound is. for minor wounds she uses healing powder because she has an abundance of it from the legion, but since she has fairly low endurance she often just has to use stimpaks & med-x. she’s not very tolerant to pain all of the time? but if she has a lot of adrenaline (which she comes by very easily) she can all but ignore it entirely. she doesnt have a preferred doctor

39) have they ever been irradiated? how did they deal with it? did it have lasting effects?

probably a few times but she just threw up and then took a bunch of rad-away and ended up fine. she’s never been damaged by radiation permanently 

40) in conversation, are they kind? gentle? sarcastic? rude? do they speak warmly and openly with people, or are they more guarded? do they talk a lot?

she’s somewhat talkative, she mostly says whatever pops into her head whenever it comes to mind so her talking is just. a big mess of Thoughts She Had. she likes making a lot of jokes that are mostly for her

41) do they like long journeys through the mojave, or do they prefer to travel more quickly? do they prefer using roads or travelling through the deep desert?

she likes to travel quickly. no time to waste! she’s almost always using the roads

42) name a random fact about your courier.

she thinks it’s really funny to blow vulpes’s cover whenever she sees him undercover on the strip & she almost gets killed every single time. oh holy shit it’s vulpes! vulpes inculta! spelled v-u-l-p– oh my god its the ncr mp quick vulpes take your dick out in this gift shop

43) do they watch movie holotapes? what are their favorites? least favorites?

yes but shes literally only seen blazing saddles, gladiator, and we bought a zoo

44) what do they do with the lucky 38? do they like being there? do they leave their companions there? if they’re a yes-man courier, do they open it back up as a casino?

she doesn’t leave companions there too often, like i said. she likes it pretty well bc of the robots and the hot water? but i think that she really prefers staying in hotels except for special occasions. she doesnt open it back up bc yes-man kills her sldkfjds great transition 

45) what do they do after hoover dam?

yes-man says fuck work and just absolutely murders her. hes like ok enough of this and finds a new human to do what he needs done skdfjksd

46) how do they die? how is their death received, by the mojave and by their companions?

yes-man fucking KILLS her ass! the mojave takes a great big breath of relief knowing they wont have to watch her shenanigans anymore skdjfds

47) what are their vices? are they an alcoholic, a thief, a hoarder?

oh boy literally all of them. she definitely steals a lot but thats literally just. a part of her “do whatever you want” complex that Is TM her greatest vice

48) can they cook, and if so, what do they cook? what are their favorite & least favorite foods?

she absolutely cannot. she likes pizza from the tops dskfjkds

49) did they kill caesar? vulpes inculta? what about prominent ncr figures, like kimball and colonel hsu?

yes she did kill caesar! her securitrons killed vulpes at hoover dam and she was power-tripping so hard she didn’t realize they’d already gotten to him. she probably didnt think about him again before she died. she didnt assassinate kimball herself but she definitely assisted in making the assassination go smoothly, and im sure her robots got to hsu sometime before she had yes-man throw oliver off the dam skdjfskd

50) what’s their happiest memory?

not to be fake deep but all this shit she does obviously causes more adrenaline than happiness. you could say that it’s when yes-man threw oliver off the dam, because that was her most exhilarating moment, or you could say that it was when she woke up in goodsprings, because it was the last time she was calm and being taken care of.

—

thank u so much if u read all this and thank you for sending me this ask. it took a long time but its a good exercise like i said skdfjsdf. send me more if these if yall have the heart, maybe not a whole 1-50 but like ! & please reblog my fnv courier questions post because i do think its nice, bye

[eir-mercy]

All for the ask thing!

1. what’s your gender?» Nonbinary

2. what are your pronouns?» they/them are ultimately my pronouns but he/him are fine too

3. is your family accepting?» depends on the family member. my mother is very supportive and she was in denial at first and now shes very supportive. but my brother hates it and he goes as far as to correct my mum with my deadname if she calls me Gabe.

4. what do you wish you could tell your past self?» itll get better and listen to those who accept you for who you are and dont let anyone change you.

5. what is your sexuality?» i am primarily grey asexual

6. favorite color?» purple, black, maroon, navy blue, silver and gold.

7. sun gay or moon gay?» moon gay

8. when did you find out your sexuality?» after 6th grade, really and a buddy helped me get more into the lgbt terms and i think around… 8th-9th grade ultimately i found grey asexual

9. how was your day?» good so far!! my man and i got up at 11 am and we went out for lunch with his mother and grandma and we just got back!

10. do you have any gay friends?» quite a few!

11. what’s your favorite hobby?» i love drawing, writing and collecting crystals.

12. who’s the best gay icon in your opinion?» i really dont have one honestly. i could careless

13. which pride flags do you like the most design/color wise?» aromantic is my favourite. i cant stand the highly saturated colors.

14. are you openly out?» yes, mainly. i try to look as passing as possible but its quite hard. but i am out!

15. are you comfortable with yourself?» sexuality, mostly. its confusing but body wise since it doesnt align to where i want to be, no.

16. bottom or top?» bottom

17. femme or butch?» uhhhh kinda a fem boy but not?? aaa

18. do you bind?» occasionally, not as much as i used too.

19. do you shave?» certain places yes, and occasionally my arm pits because summer heat. otherwise theres no where else too

20. if you could date anyone you wanted, who would it be?» my boyfriend

21. do you have a partner (s)?» yes! my boyfriend is andrew. best mans ever

22. describe your partner (s)?» he’s a cis bi dude. stoner, nerd, intelligent, stubborn, totally tsundere. but all around the best boyfriend.

23. have you ever dated anyone of the same sex?» yes

24. anyone of another sex?» ive dated people who were genderfluid, trans, nonbinary and cis.

25. pastel gay or goth gay?» goth!!!

26. favorite dad in dream daddies?» never got into the game or fandom so pass

27. tell me a random fact about yourself?» i have my boyfriend’s second dog tag with a pendant attached to the original chain and wear it whenever we go out or somewhere, even if its a walk. the pendant holds my valkyrie, Jade. i also wear two bracelets constantly my friend got for me at camel back.

28. do you own any pride flags/merch?» i have a trans flag hanging in my room at the house were being evicted from, and i have a pin that says he/him/him! (thanks zo!!)

29. have you ever been to a pride parade?» once! it was over a year ago, actually. my best friend mal and her girlfriend invited me and we went to Harrisburgs’ pride! they were sweet enough to let me hold both their hands while we walked around.

30. any advice to someone who isn’t out or who is exploring themselves?» its okay if you are unsure and if you go through life and change sexuality or gender. ive gone from being a lesbian (before finding out trans / nb and so forth) and it took a bit to find what was right for me. not everyone gets it first try! but make sure you are true to yourself.

and if you want to come out, do so on your terms, never anyone elses. its okay to be scared, if you need help i am here to listen and give any advice.

[gaymusicchart]

GAY MUSIC CHART – 2017 week 50

 Welcome to the Gay Music Chart, the LGBTQA related music videos TOP 50 actuality and most request.

Vote for your favourite LGBTQA related music videos by leaving a comment for this post on :

YOUTUBE (in the comment section of the video of the week) : https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCz7yfp-xq-b08tD6mAWwclA

BLOGGER : http://gaymusicchart.blogspot.fr

FACEBOOK : https://www.facebook.com/GayMusicChart/

TWITTER : https://twitter.com/GayMusicChart with #GayMusicChart  

TUMBLR : http://gaymusicchart.tumblr.com  

 Here is the recap for this week :

 OUT : P!nk - What About Us (LW: 17 / WO: 15 / PEAK: 01 (x3))

OUT : Sam Vance-Law - I Think We Should Take It Fast (LW: 23 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 23)

OUT : Laurent Lamarca - Garçon sauvage (LW: 29 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 29)

OUT : Bebe Huxley - Scorpio (LW: 31 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 31)

OUT : Ivri Lider עברי לידר - MOOGZAM מוגזם (LW: 32 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 32)

OUT : Teo Entertainment - Растворяюсь в тебе / Melt in You (LW: 33 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 29)

OUT : Superfruit - Future Friends (Brian Jones Choir Remix) (LW: 34 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 34)

OUT : Sam Tsui - Cameo (LW: 38 / WO: 10 / PEAK: 04)

OUT : Citizen Four - My Name (Say It) (LW: 39 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 08)

OUT : Allie X feat. VÉRITÉ - Casanova (Biblegirl Lyric Video) (LW: 40 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 40)

OUT : Chromeo - Juice (LW: 44 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 44)

OUT : Strange Names - Into Me (LW: 45 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 45)

OUT : Sam Tsui - Impatience (LW: 46 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 34)

OUT : Umlilo & Whyt Lyon - DL Boi (LW: 47 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 47)

OUT : Drake Jensen & Patrick Masse - Go Your Own Way (LW: 48 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 48)

OUT : Adiós París - Chica Bonita (LW: 50 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 50)

  01 (=) : Alfie Arcuri - If They Only Knew (LW: 01 / WO: 23 / PEAK: 01 (x5))

This is the new music video of the winner of The Voice Australia 2016. What must do a gay man when he's in love with his best male friend, who's dating his best female friend?

 02 (+ 3) : Huntington - Love Is Love (LW: 05 / WO: 11 / PEAK: 02)

Three years after "Secret", this is their new original song. It was released specially for the Australian debate about marriage equality. Every cent made from this song went go to the Yes campaign. Now that the debate is over, finaly, LGBT can now get marry : congratulations Australia !

 03 (=) : Wrabel - The Village (LW: 03 / WO: 19 / PEAK: 01 (x1))

This engaging song was written the day after US President Trump removed new federal protections for trans students in public schools last February. Trans actor August Aiden plays the role of a young transgender who tries to be himself despite the hostility of his father in the music video.

 04 (- 2) : Larva - For Ruy (censored version) (LW: 02 / WO: 7 / PEAK: 02)

Larva is a Mexican openly gay heavy metal band. The uncensored version, only for adults because of its raw sex content, is now also available on YouTube.

 05 (+ 15) : Kevin Chomat - Sens Interdit (LW: 20 / WO: 14 / PEAK: 01 (x2))

This new single of the French singer reached the top 10 YouTube trending in France.

 06 (- 2) : PJ Brennan - Tease (LW: 04 / WO: 5 / PEAK: 04)

PJ Brennan is well known for his role as Doug Carter in the British television soap opera Hollyoaks.

 07 (+ 6) : La Prohibida - Baloncesto (LW: 13 / WO: 20 / PEAK: 03)

 08 (=) : Leon Else - What I Won't Do (Lyric Video) (LW: 08 / WO: 26 / PEAK: 02)

The British singer has came out on Facebook last May.

 09 (- 3) : P!nk - Beautiful Trauma (LW: 06 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 06)

In her new music video, P!ink supports her husband Channing Tatum who loves wearing her dresses.

 10 (+ 11) : Michele Bravi - Diamanti (LW: 21 / WO: 12 / PEAK: 04)

This is the third single from the Italian singer taken from the album “Anime Di Carta”.

 11 (+ 16) : Tokio Hotel - Boy Don't Cry (LW: 27 / WO: 6 / PEAK: 11)

The lead singer Bill Kaulitz becomes a beautiful drag queen in the new music video of the German band.

 12 (+ 12) : Calum Scott - You Are The Reason (Lyric Video) (LW: 24 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 12)

 13 (- 2) : Namuel - Joven de Corazón (LW: 11 / WO: 5 / PEAK: 11)

In his new music video, the chilean singer is a teen at school who has a crush on his bully.

 14 (- 5) : Bobby Newberry - Up (LW: 09 / WO: 7 / PEAK: 08)

 15 (- 8) : G&D (Geez & DIK) - Freelove (LW: 07 / WO: 5 / PEAK: 07)

There are several straight, gay, lesbian and bi couples making love in this music video.

 16 (NEW) : Jakub & Dawid - Pokochaj nas w święta (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 16)

This time, the Polish couple sings for this Christmas song, always to change mentalities in their country !

 17 (NEW) : Detox feat. Ellis Miah & Keisha Henry - She's Gotta Habit (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 17)

The drag queen has passion for fashion in her new music video.

 18 (+ 19) : Conchita Wurst & Ina Regen - Heast as Net (Hubert Von Goisern Cover) (LW: 37 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 18)

The power of yodeling, but in a classy way.

 19 (RE-ENTRY) : Kevin Chomat - Un homme à terre (LW: - / WO: 43 / PEAK: 01 (x3))

In this single, the French singer is talking about infidelity, with his boyfriend who cheated on him.

 20 (- 6) : Michele Bravi - Tanto Per Cominciare (LW: 14 / WO: 5 / PEAK: 14)

 21 (NEW) : Trevor Moran - Sinner (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 21)

USA

 22 (+ 4) : Alfie Arcuri - Love is Love (LW: 26 / WO: 8 / PEAK: 12)

The Australian singer took position with this song for the YES in the Australian Marriage Law Postal Survey. 61,6% of the 12,7 millions people who voted said YES to mariage equality. Now that the debate is over, finaly, LGBT can now get marry : congratulations Australia !

 23 (- 1) : Steve Grand - Walking (LW: 22 / WO: 8 / PEAK: 05)

The song has now a music video shot in New Orleans!

 24 (NEW) : 10cm - Help (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 24)

This South Korean music video tells the hopeful story of a homosexual couple, a divorced couple, and others seeking "Help".

 25 (+ 18) : Oscar and the Wolf - Runaway (LW: 43 / WO: 6 / PEAK: 19)

Max Colombie,aka Oscar and the Wolf, is an out singer. Billboard has included this track in their top 30 gay love songs last October.

 26 (- 16) : Oscar and the Wolf - Breathing (LW: 10 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 10)

"Infinity" has been 3 weeks #1 in the Belgian albums chart.

 27 (+ 15) : Bilal Hassani - House Down (LW: 42 / WO: 4 / PEAK: 25)

Several young French YouTubers are featuring in his new music video.

 28 (=) : Myckael SG - John vs Angela (LW: 28 / WO: 5 / PEAK: 16)

 29 (+ 7) : Hayley Kiyoko - Feelings (LW: 36 / WO: 7 / PEAK: 04)

The singer flirts with another woman while she’s dancing in her new music video.

 30 (NEW) : Virgin Suicide - Evil Eyes (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 30)

This Danish music video is like a short movie, telling the struggles of a closeted gay teen taken by his father to a fathers-sons's camp.

 31 (- 15) : HEIDRIK - Monster (LW: 16 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 16)

 32 (NEW) : David Courtin - L'hymne à l'amour [People Theatre's Cenfranlamour Mix] (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 32)

 33 (- 3) : Sufjan Stevens - Mystery of Love ("Call Me By Your Name" OST) (LW: 30 / WO: 5 / PEAK: 11)

 34 (+ 15) : GAREK - Stray (LW: 49 / WO: 60 / PEAK: 01 (x2))

The single taken from the album "Take the King" is a conversation with his 8-year-old self about accepting who he is, the talk he wishes he had as a child, because he "spent so many years hating [himself] because [he] listened to the voices around [him] saying that people like [him] were disgusting".

 35 (- 10) : Kim Petras - I Don't Want It At All (LW: 25 / WO: 6 / PEAK: 25)

This is the debut single of the young German transgender singer, with a featuring with Paris Hilton in the music video.

 36 (NEW) : Wilderdrop - Lay Me Down (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 36)

The music video was filmed to raise awareness of organisations like Rainbow Railroad, who help people around the world who suffer persecution because of their sexual identity.

 37 (NEW) : Matt Fishel - Bored Of Straight Boys (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 37)

After a 3 years break, the British singer is back with a new album out in 2018.

 38 (NEW) : Greyson Chance - Low (Official Lyric Video) (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 38)

USA

 39 (- 27) : ILY - Your Love (LW: 12 / WO: 9 / PEAK: 05)

Two new brides are kissing in this Swedish music video.

 40 (- 5) : Alvin Point - Il a dit (LW: 35 / WO: 63 / PEAK: 01 (x4))

The first single of the French singer is talking about a romantic gay love story. The title means "he said".

 41 (=) : Sam Smith - One Last Song (LW: 41 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 41)

 42 (NEW) : Candy Ken feat. Gigi Tays - Netflix and Chill (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 42)

Austria

 43 (NEW) : Banda Uó - Tô na Rua (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 43)

Brazil

 44 (- 25) : Goro Gocher feat. Gustavo Rollano - Me Haces Tan Bien (LW: 19 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 19)

 45 (NEW) : Kehlani - Honey (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 45)

USA

 46 (NEW) : B.Slade - Stay Mad (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 46)

The track is #1 in the Top 40 LGBT Urban Chart.

 47 (NEW) : Morrissey - Jacky's Only Happy When She's Up on the Stage (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 47)

 48 (NEW) : Brandi Carlile - The Joke (Live from Studio A) (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 48)

 49 (- 31) : Jackie Shane - Any Other Way (audio) (LW: 18 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 18)

The release of a compilation of the songs of this transgender artist is a way to (re)discover a part of history of LGBTQ music.

 50 (- 35) : Everybody's Talking About Jamie Cast - Don't Even Know It (LW: 15 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 15)

This musical talks about a 16 years old teen who wants to be a drag queen and goes to the prom in dress. The musical won the Attitude Culture Award 2017.

  ALSO NEW THIS WEEK

 Sam & Sky feat. Glitterfitter - Skammens Diskotek (Pride Special)

A new music video has been shot for the official song of the Oslo's Gay Pride Song for 2017.

 So Brown - United States of Deprivation

 Liv Lombardi - Hazel & White

 Oliver Gottwald - Halluzinationen

 Toya Delazy - Khula Khula

 SOPHIE - Ponyboy

This is her new track after "It's OK to Cry"

 Butantan & Only Fuego - B.O.Y

All the zombies are an tribute to George A. Romero.

 Gloria Groove - Muleke Brasileiro

 Bobby Lytes - Get Ya Shine On

A tribute to Missy Elliott.

 VELO feat. Rhea Litre - Cruzin

 La Pelopony - Icónica

 בין השמיכות Harel Skaat - הראל סקעת Between the Blankets (Lyric video)

 Rayvon Owen - Volume (Audio)

 Conchita - This is Me (Influencer's Cover)

This cover with Austrian and German YouTubers is from the original soundtrack of the movie "The Greatest Showman".

 Kyle Bielfield - Audition (The Fools Who Dream) [from La La Land]

 Michelle Visage - Silent Night

 Páll Óskar & Katrín Halldóra - Jólin alls staðar (Borgarleikhúsið 2017)

 Kyle Motsinger - War on Christmas

  See you next week and don’t forget to vote for your best LGBTQA music videos ! Here are the rules :

1 ) You can vote for many videos as you want under the videos on YouTube in the comment section. It could be recent or past music videos, which must provide at least one among the following conditions:

- the music video has LGBTQA related content, in the lyrics or the music video

- the artist is LGBTQA, an LGBTQA icon or eventually ally

- LGBTQA medias talked about it.

2 ) You can’t vote more than 3 songs of a same artist per week.

3 ) In case of an artist who receive votes mostly by a fan base, we will count only one song, in a limited time of 10 weeks of presence in the top.

4 ) You can vote with only one account.

5 ) If you make 5 votes or less, your first vote will represent 5 points, your second vote 4 points, etc… until your last vote and following 1 point. If you make 6 to 10 votes, your first vote will represent 10 points, your second vote 9 points, etc… If you make more than 10 votes, your first vote will represent 20 points, your second vote 19 points, etc…

6 ) People who make 1 to 5 votes form the amateur ranking, those who make 6 to 10 votes form the fan ranking, those who make more than 10 votes form the expert ranking. We form the jury ranking. And we count now the ranking of minutes of views of our weekly playlist of the previous week. The Gay Music Chart is the addition of the five charts. In case of equality, the number of votes and the dates of votes will count.

7 ) The votes will close on Thursday, 8 PM, European time.

[asphy7]

GUESS WHAT! I THINK SCREAMING AT KIDS IS UNPRODUCTIVE AND DISGUSTING

Hey I went through that stage of fetishizing gay relationships and giggling with my friends over them sweet yaoi lemons when I was fifteen. 

I hit 19 and finally learnt that it wasn’t supportive of LGBT rights at all. But there was still this part of my that got a kick out of writing and drawing gay content because OHMYGOD TWO BOYS KISSING. I’m 23 now, and it was only just at the end of last year that I was able to cross a bridge in self discovery. And I’ll admit, there’s still this part of me that leaps at the chance to create gay fanworks.  I’m trying to better myself as a person and as a creator to support the LGBT community with what I create. To support a community I recently found I was a part of.  And not just that but I want to create positive works for people of colour or different cultures and religions. But my characters are usually cis and white. Because I’m still learning. I don’t want to say or do something offensive by creating trans work, or by having a character that is of a different culture and then doing something that is seriously offensive or completely and utterly wrong.  I get why everyone doesn’t like ‘yaoi/yuri” and the typical fetishistic content within the hype of the people that like that stuff.  Honestly if I came across someone my age who thought that reading doujinshi makes them an LGBT ally, I’d smack their face inside out.  But how is a 15 year old to know better? You are literally not helping ANYONE by tearing down these youths who maybe like me had absolutely ZERO idea that boys could like boys and girls could like girls until my friend came over for a sleepover and introduced my to some poorly written Hetalia porn she’d written for me.  I had that piece of paper crumpled up in my pillow for years, not because I read it every night to get off on it. I was 14! I had no body hair and still had puppy fat and wore training bras.  That really terrible piece of paper opened up new doors, windows and blew holes in walls for me.  Ofcourse my life was a thriller movie after that, hiding all my writing and drawing from my homophobic mother. My life went from dreaming about getting married and having kids to dreaming about creating.  I wanted to be a writer! An artist! I wanted to make stuff that people like me could get excited over and ship my characters and squeel about in the middle of the night with their friends.  One day, one of my “normal friends’ saw what I was drawing, mind you this was YEARS later. I was 17. And the thing is this is to the day my best friend.  I was drawing fanart for Black Butler or something like that with whatever I shipped at the time hard core making out with bad anatomy and too many limbs. I was so ashamed that I’d let my friend see it. But heck, he thought it was great. Said I was an awesome artist.  Soon I had a whole group of friends that loved what I did even if they didn’t get it. And with that group I met more and more people who were part of the community I fetishised.  It really did help me understand some things about what it was exactly that I was doing.  Fast forward a few years, my mate’s family has taken me in, after more arguments with an abusive homophobic mother. They help my find help for my mental health. They help me get set up with a proper computer to  support my artwork.  A couple of months before christmas I thought I was inlove with my best friend. I AM!!!! I consider him a soul mate even though sometimes we fight and we’re both really talented at overthinking little things. I still love this man with all my being.  But I learned something about myself. I’m gay. I AM A LESBIAN.  And after draining a couple of vodka spiked juices, I decided I’d tell an amazing woman that I’d felt connected to since I first saw her art that I had a crush on her the size of Jupiter.  And goddamn guys I’m so gay and inlove and I wanna cry and laugh and scream all at once. I love her so  much.  But do I want to be a part of the community???  I just sit here seeing a bunch of adults screaming at 13 year olds and the like for liking pictures of boys kissing and getting maybe a little carried away with it. BUT SO WHAT!!!!  Maybe they’re like me. Maybe they’re just now discovering something that could mean alot more to them throughout their life than they could possible imagine.  It could inspire them to create, to support other creators. It could lead to their own path of self discovery, to hopefully not be disowned by their parents like I was, to find love.  Or you know, maybe they won’t, because those who were offended by how they act now, couldn’t be the bigger person and just explain why it was offensive. OR HEY MAYBE... Just let the kids be. Maybe like me, they’ll find their own way, fumbling without ANY guidance, and just making a plethora of friends along the way.  I get why its offensive. I get why people are upset. But everyone goes through their phases.  My mom used to mock me openly and angrily in public for the way I ran when I was a kid. Now I consider myself allergic to excersize and you know I can’t believe I’m wearing shorts without six layers of tights underneath to try to stop my thighs from wobbling. 

Congrats on screaming and laughing at kids who could grow up and might have created that content everyone complains about not having.  No one is born with an understanding of how things work. It’s hard enough learning on your own. Maybe make the journey something they’ll look back on fondly, shake their head, smile and say geez I can’t beleive I used to be into that. 

BE THE BETTER PERSON NOW SO THEY CAN BE BETTER THAN YOU IN THE FUTURE

[just-kateblr]

I was tagged by @my-wanton-self

1. What’s your biggest pet peeve? Willful ignorance and people who are purposefully inconsiderate.  (They’re related, I suppose, but can manifest differently.)

2. What one fear would you like to conquer?  Currently, my biggest that I would like to conquer is openly presenting myself as female to the world. 

3. What’s your favourite song lyric and why? There are quite a few it’s hard to pick just one.  The one I’ll go with is from Sweet Jane from the Velvet Underground: Some people they like to go out dancin’/ and other people they have to work. Just watch me now/ and there's even some evil mothers/ Well there gonna tell you that everthing is just dirt/ you know that women never really faint/ and that villians always blink their eyes/ that children are the only ones who blush/and that life is just to die/ But anyone who ever had a heart/ they wouldn't turn around and break it/ and anyone who ever played a part / They wouldn't turn around and hate it.  Why do I like it?  I think it kind of speaks for itself.

4. If you could shop at one store for free, which would it be?  I would have to flip a coin between Nordstrom or Costco.

5. Which language would you like to speak fluently? Spanish.

6. What secret super power would you like to have, and why? Shapeshifting. You could get into just about anywhere.

7. Would you like to be famous and what would you like to be known for? I have no desire to be famous.

8. What was the worst haircut you ever had? A long time ago, I moved to Northern Virginia and needed a haircut.  I went to a barbershop that apparently specialized in military cuts and while I just asked for a trim, he got out clippers and after the first pass, I knew I was in trouble. I ended up with something pretty close to a high and tight.  It was awful. 

9. What are the most important qualities in friends? Honesty, intelligence, the willingness to share thoughts and opinions, good sense of humor, empathy, and a desire to make things better somehow.  I love having a common understanding and, at the same time, being able to challenge and be challenged.

10. What’s the most significant lesson you’ve learned in life so far?  People’s needs will not always match your own; it’s what they do at that point that is important.  Also, sometimes life is shitty, but it generally improves eventually.  Maybe not in the way you thought, but you’ll find that it’s no longer shitty.  (Yes, I know, that’s technically two. I’m lousy at following the rules.)

11. What makes you laugh the hardest? My daughters. They’re just plain funny.

12. What’s your proudest accomplishment? That’s a hard one because I tend not to look back too much. Plus, much of what I’ve accomplished has also been because other people have played along, so I can’t take full credit.

13. If you could have any view out the window of your room, which would it be?  The ocean. I grew up near the water and am now in the middle of the US.  I would love to be near a large body of water.  

14. If you could eat dinner with one celebrity, who would it be, and why? I can’t say that he’s a celebrity, but Barack Obama is certainly famous and would be an amazing dinner companion.  I’d probably want to have a ranging conversation about policy, his life, and experiences as President.  Plus, for bonus points, I’d try to get him to open up and vent about how he really feels about Trump.

15. If you could do something dangerous just once with no risk, what would you do?  I can’t think of much, I’ve already done a number of things that people consider dangerous.  I think removing the fear of danger would take away the adrenaline and most of the fun.

16. What’s your all-time favourite music video? Undercover of the Night by The Rolling Stones. It’s a great video; almost like a short film.

17. Which three words would you use to describe yourself? Smart, funny, empathetic.

18. What’s the first thing you’d do if you suddenly changed into the opposite sex? As a trans woman, I’m going to write my own rules here.  I am a woman, but if I suddenly had the body of a cis woman, I’d explore my tits and bits, then masturbate like there was no tomorrow. 

19. What’s your favourite website, and why?  I have eclectic tastes and moods, so it varies by the minute and the hour.  I love all of the information and places that I can go with the internet. 

20. If you got a tattoo, what would you get and where would you put it? I cannot think of one thing I would want on my skin forever.  If I had to choose, I might either get “Be Here Now” in a nice font on my wrist OR a butterfly on my shoulder for the symbolism. 

21. When you’re down, what do you do to feel better? I try not to wallow too long and look to do something to change the channel. That usually involves moving my body in some way or another.  I also reach out to dear friends for conversation and engagement.

22. If you could go on tour with a band for a month, who would it be, and why? Not my thing.

23. What’s you favourite dessert? I have a weakness for cannolis. Good ones, though.  The kind where the outside is freshly baked and then filled immediately before serving, so you have the mix of the crunch and the softness.  Divine! 

24. What one thing would you want to do most if you had all the money in the world? Ensure that money was not a barrier to anyone seeking further education.

25. Who’s the least obvious person you’d like to kiss? Least obvious? Maybe Sam Rockwell. There is something about him that I find strangely sexy. 

26. Would you join in at a topless beach? At this point, if I had a nice set of boobs, I would happily share them at a topless beach.

27. Where would you most like to travel?  I have too many choices to list here.  I would travel almost incessantly if I could.  I’ve not yet been to South America, Africa, or Antarctica, so those would be on the top of my list.  

28. What would you eat for your ultimate birthday dinner?  I tend to like food that is good and fresh.  I’d start with a fresh salad, with bleu cheese and bacon.  Grilled filet mignon. Very fresh corn on the cob.  Freshly baked bread with a nice crunchy crust.  Roasted brussel sprouts.  Good cannoli for dessert.

29. What was your most embarrassing moment? Eh, if you really want to know, hit me up in chat. It’s a bit of a story that involves Chinese food and getting sick in a work colleague’s hotel room.  It was mortifying when it happened, but it’s pretty darned funny.

30. What historical sporting event would you like to witness? In person, I’d love to the 1999 Men’s NCAA Basketball Championship.  My alma mater, the University of Connecticut, was the underdog and upset heavily favored Duke for their first national championship.  It was great to watch on TV, but it would be amazing to see in person. 

31. Which song evokes the strongest memories for you? Missing You - John Waite

32. What’s the best birthday celebration you can imagine? I don’t ever want a huge celebration, I’d love to have a bunch of close friends around where we can talk, drink, eat, laugh, and generally just enjoy everyone’s company.

33. What’s your favourite ethnic food? Mexican.

34. Do you have any habits you’d like to give up?  Procrastination.

35. What would you save first if your house caught on fire? Children, spouse, then pets.

36. Who would you trade places with for one month?  I’m not picky, and this might sound shallow, but I’d trade places with an able bodied cis woman who is considered above average in appearance. In other words, I’d love to see what it was like to live as an unequivocally gorgeous woman. 

37. What’s the story behind your first name? I had the joy of being able to select one for myself, which ended up being harder than I thought.  I like what I landed on, though.

38. What’s been the biggest obstacle in your life so far?  I don’t like the word obstacle.  I take it to mean a barrier that blocks things.  While I have had plenty of challenges, I try to not let those things block me.  My hope is to always move forward, even if it is slowly. No question, my biggest challenge is being trans. 

39. Have you ever stolen something? What was it? Why did you steal it? Ugh, yes.  I was traveling in Australia some years ago and I noticed a wallet sitting on some phone books at the post office. I looked inside and there was a couple hundred dollars in it.  I left it sitting there and went to make my call, but kept my eye on it.  Someone else from the hostel I was staying in walked in, saw the wallet, and then we locked eyes.  I indicated that I didn’t know whose it was and he reached in an pulled out the cash.  I figured, if it was going to be stolen, I was going to benefit from it (I was low on cash at the time).  We walked around the corner, he split the money with me and we went our separate ways.  I still regret doing this and wish that I had picked up the wallet when I first saw it and turned it in.

40. To you, what’s the secret to happiness? I believe happiness is really just enjoying life’s simple and pleasurable moments.  We’ve got so much that goes on that has peaks and valleys of emotion and it is important to feel those, for the good and the bad.  It is the small moments that are the glue to our lives, though.  A laugh with a friend.  Warm sunshine on your skin on a cool day.  The smell of salt air.  To me, it’s enjoying those moments that are what make for happiness and joy.

Please do not feel compelled to do this, but I’m going to tag a few people whom I would love to see their responses.  I tag @mymindisdrawinga, @annacaffeina, @perfectlyscrumptious, @perfectlywhelmed, @visionaria, @tumbleweedsinmyvagina, @ptero-bites, @misslondoncallin, @vampysquid, and I started thinking this list was getting long, so I stopped, but please feel free to respond away if you are taken with the idea.

[christinamirabilis]

gay ask game for gays only (stolen from @fakeking)

doing this myself cos i’m bored and i don’t care

1. describe your idea of a perfect date?  okay like, perfect date that is (currently) unrealistic would be an extended overseas vacation with my love - somewhere warm but with lots of exciting things to do - culture, shopping, nightlife - i’m thinking like mediterranean europe, south america, thailand.  skinny dipping, lazy days lying in bed all day in a room with open French doors leading out onto a balcony with a nice view over cobbled streets and a warm breeze stirring the sheet white curtains, sitting outside a café eating delicious food, buying cool shit at the markets... just, yeah, travel.  perfect.

but otherwise, i guess like honestly my favourite thing to do is to go to a bar somewhere with outdoor seating where it’s warm, and we get antipasto platters and sangria or pizza and margaritas, or just whatever, food and drink, and we sit for hours and chat.  there’s a bar on the waterfront that has a bunch of beanbags out on the lawn and you can order food and drink and i went there once with soph and it was really nice even though we ended up having a fight later that night and it was awful, but i wanna go back there next summer i think, with a cute girl who loves me and isn’t planning on leaving lmao.  but anyway.

2. whats your “type”?  honestly i don’t really know like i just really love girls?  all girls?  i mean i guess i like girls who are curvy or a little on the chubby side, with an “alternative” look in some way - crazy hair or tattoos and piercings or just in the way they dress.  girls with loud laughs and big appetites and dirty minds.  i mean, i’m pretty much describing myself here, i’m aware of that.  there’s probably something ominously freudian or whatever in the fact that i’m attracted to girls who are similar to, but better versions of, me, but it’s whatever.  

3. do you want kids?  yeah i think i do.  it’s something i go back and forth on.  it’s not something that i absolutely need to be happy - i have dated people in the past who have not wanted children and honestly it’s more important to me to be with someone who i feel is my soulmate but who won’t have kids with me, rather than someone who i don’t love as much but who will?  but yeah i do want kids, i think, but i’m not sure, and i’m not set on it?

4. if you do, will you adopt or use some other form of child birth? well i’m definitely not getting pregnant myself.  if my partner wants to get pregnant, that would be fine, although i’m gonna have to get over my phobia of pregnant people lmao.  but i think my first choice would be adoption, purely because there are so many kids in the system who need a loving home, so i feel like it would be better for the world if i could make a tiny difference by adopting some of those kids?

5. describe the cutest date you’ve ever been on? ah man i don’t even know.  i’m just thinking about all the things i did with sophie and it’s making me sad so i’m not going to answer this one haha.

6. describe your experience having sex for the first time (were you nervous? or was it easy peasy?)?  i mean, yeah, i was nervous, but more than anything i was kind of like, “oh wow, this is really happening,” because it was a girl who i’d been on one date with and then we met up in town a few days later and i went home with her.  i was mostly worried that i tasted bad?  but i personally didn’t struggle with it like it just felt natural, and i was pretty stoked that i made her cum several times on my first time, like, i was worried i would be “bad” at it or whatever.

7. are you a morning time gay or night time gay?  night time gay.

8. opinion on nap dates?  good.

9. opinion on brown eyes?  good.

10. dog gay or cat gay?  i like both.  i am bipetual, if you will.  but if i had to choose, cats - but only marginally.

11. would you ever date someone who owned rodents or reptiles?  of course, except probably not snakes, but there are no snakes in new zealand.  but i love rats, and i don’t mind lizards and stuff.

12. whats a turn off you look for before you start officially dating someone?  if they’re polyamorous, non-monogamy is my only absolute dealbreaker - and in my experience, the consequences of trying non-monogamy have, for me anyway, been disastrous.

13. what is a misconception you had about lgb people before you realized you were one?  well, to be honest, i’d never ~met~ a gay person, to my knowledge, like, no one that was openly out (although in hindsight i had probably met a few) - and certainly no one that i had more than a passing interaction with, until my friend nic came to the therapeutic community i was living in.  and it was such a shock to me to meet someone who was so openly gay and so confident and unashamed?  because, to me, i had nothing against gay people, but i just felt like i myself couldn’t be one, there was shame to it somehow (a lot of this is tied into my ptsd, it’s hard to explain without going into all of that which i don’t feel like doing) - and i expected that other gay people would similarly be ashamed, like it was some kind of illness that they couldn’t help and they didn’t choose and that they’d rather be straight if they could.  and yeah, so it was a shock meeting nic.  but it was life changing, because it gave me room to consider what i had been in denial about for so long - that maybe i was gay too. ��so i’ll always be so very grateful to nic for being in my life in general, because we went through recovery together, but particularly because she allowed me the opportunity to become my true self, and that has been more liberating than anything.

14. what is a piece of advice you would give to your younger self?  i guess to not worry, and that things will become clear to her when she’s ready - and to not worry about why she doesn’t find boys attractive and what might be wrong with her, and especially not to do the dangerous and self-destructive things she did (sending nudes to and sexting a boy she had never met, which could have gone horribly fucking wrong - and for all i know he might have shown all of his mates, but this was prior to social media and smart phones so it wouldn’t have been that bad, getting herself into a situation where she was date-raped at a party, trying to organise anonymous sexual meetings with strangers on the internet) to try and FORCE herself to feel attraction to men.  and that there’s no shame in being gay.

15. (if attracted to more than one gender) do you have different “types” for different genders?  i’m gay af.

16. who is an ex you regret?  ugh i don’t know, like, i have been through some awful shit with some of my exes, but i don’t regret any of them, because they all taught me lessons about life that i took into my next relationship, and into other situations, and i have become a better person as a result - and i have very fond memories with all of them, even if things did go really sour at the end?  particularly my last relationship - it was by far the most painful and chaotic relationship i’ve ever been in, towards the end, and i have so many regrets about how things went and how i should have done this, and shouldn’t have done that, but i don’t for a moment regret being with that person, because i loved her so much (and still do) and i have had some of the best experiences of my life with her and wouldn’t trade it for the world.  so yeah, i don’t regret any of them.

17. night club gay or cafe gay?  both, depends.

18. who is one person you would “go straight” for?  ugh you know i feel like i always have an answer prepared for this, until someone actually asks me?  i used to say kit harington but now i’m not sure?  fuck damn i was literally talking about this with my boss last week, but i can’t remember who it was.

19. video game gay, book gay, or movie gay?  book or movie.

20. favourite gay ship (canon or not)?  ah i’m not really into the whole ship thing but i guess clarke and lexa because that’s the first one i can think of.  OH and i definitely ship daenerys targaryen and asha/yara greyjoy - i know it’s never going to happen but it’s nice to imagine.  emilia clarke is my number one celebrity crush - she doesn’t know it yet but she’s gonna marry me.

21. favourite gay youtuber?  literally could not give a single fuck about youtubers.

22. have you ever unknowingly asked out a straight person?  not to my knowledge, like, i have only ever asked out people who i have been talking to on dating apps tbh.

23. have you ever been in love?  yeah.

24. have you ever been heartbroken?  oh god yes.

25. how do you determine if you want to be them or be with someone?  honestly i don’t!  the only way i can know is if i date them for a little bit?  sometimes it’s both and that’s okay too.

26. favourite lgb musician/band?  ok so i had to google a list of them to make sure i didn’t miss them.  my very favourite is jónsi, cos he’s the lead singer of my favourite band sigur rós.  also i love david bowie, and i like sia and beth ditto.  also apparently jackie cruz, who plays flaca on oitnb, is also a singer - and bisexual!  so that’s exciting.  there’s a whole bunch of people on that list who i didn’t know were queer.

27. what is a piece of advice you have for young / baby gays?  take no shit from straight people - live your truth and stand up for yourself.  but also, keep yourself safe - this is more important than anything else.  lastly, don’t let terfs and racists in the community get into your head - we are a minority, we MUST stand up for other minorities as well.  some of us are also trans or people of colour, and we must protect and uplift them.  we have to be better.

28. are you out? if so how did you come out?  i am completely out now, but it was a process over a couple of years, because it was really fucking hard.  i am now openly gay, to the point that i’ll mention it in passing to strangers if it’s relevant, assuming i feel safe to do so.  but anyway this is a long story, so settle in.

i never voiced the thought that i might be gay until i was 20, during group at the therapeutic community.  i thought i was possibly bisexual for a long time, but in retrospect i think i was trying to compromise with myself, that being bisexual was somehow more acceptable to me than being gay.  but yeah, so after that i didn’t tell anyone again until i was nearly 21, when i was having dinner with my best friend sarah and another good friend from high school, heather.  i remember it vividly, because heather said about how she’d been in a relationship with a girl while she was on study exchange in scotland.  i got up abruptly from the table, went to the bathroom, nearly threw up, and then came back, and they both asked me if i was okay, and i said that i might be gay.  it was really scary because at the time sarah was studying to be an officer in the salvation army and i was scared that she would no longer want to be friends with me, but of course she is a perfect angel and it was no problem at all.  after that i went on a date with a girl while i was living by myself in napier, and then i freaked out and ghosted her, which i feel bad about.  i was also out to my friend mixx, who i met on tumblr that year.  and after that, i didn’t come out to anyone else until i was nearly 23.  i had moved down to wellington to start university, and i had to do summer school for six weeks to do a refresher music theory course, so i was sleeping on my sister’s couch for six weeks.  i hung out with her friends a lot, including her flatmate (her ex boyfriend who was now her best friend, who had come out as gay), and one night i was sitting out having a cigarette with his boyfriend, and i just told him i was gay, and that i was scared to come out, and asked him not to tell my sister.  and then a few days later i was in the car with my sister and i just kind of blurted it out, and she was like, “mate, i’ve known that for years,” and i was kind of offended because i thought i had been really good at hiding it and that she assumed i was gay because i hadn’t had a boyfriend like maybe i just didn’t want one?  haha but it was fine.  and then a week or so later we went up to hawkes bay to visit my parents, cos jen had to take her car up there so dad could sell it for her, and i told my parents while we were eating chinese food, again spur of the moment, and my dad was unfazed but my mum kind of freaked out a bit, i remember her dropping her fork and there was fried rice all over the floor.  and she rang her best friend crying, and the friend was like, “oh man, i thought you saw this coming, i sure did.”  like, she wasn’t upset that i was gay, just that she hadn’t known, and apparently everyone else she knew had.  and i think she did struggle with my being gay to begin with, it took her a long time to adjust, but she seems to be okay now.  and then i didn’t bother coming out to anyone else, i just let the grapevine do the trick/liked lgbt pages on facebook and posted photos of myself with girls.  but apparently my extended family didn’t figure it out and it all came out when we were all at my cousin’s 21st about six months later, but everyone was chill and unsurprised about it.  and since then i have been very open about it, because, like, i had been in recovery for years, but i had been really stagnant, and coming out was the catalyst i needed to truly become well.  i mean, i nearly died later that year cos i had a really bad psychotic episode and tried to kill myself.  and i had another bad episode two years later, but that was related to ptsd.  so neither of those was related to my sexuality, and i do honestly think that being out for me is a protective factor - i don’t have the added complication of trying to hard part of myself while also grappling with illness, so i have been able to recover faster?  i don’t know.  anyway that’s such a long wall of text i’m so sorry kudos to anyone who read it.

29. what is the most uncomfortable / strange coming out experience you have?  ugh honestly most of the experiences i have had have been positive or at least neutral.  i know one of my aunts doesn’t approve - she’s a hardcore salvation army person, threw a massive tantrum when my parents let me read harry potter as a kid - which is hypocritical as fuck because when my (male) cousin came out she sent him a text saying that she still loved him and was proud of him, but she has never said a word to me about my being gay.  although she still treats me the same as she always has so i guess it could be worse, i just have very little patience for her in general.

but probably the worst experience i have had was when i was 23, newly out to my family, had just moved into a hall of residence, and was scared about making friends because i had been pretty much out of society for five years - three years in hospital/residential and then two years of living first by myself and then with my parents, working at a supermarket and with only one friend.  so i was scared, i was still forming my identity as a lesbian.  anyway, a group of girls who lived on my floor decided to adopt me, and i hung out with them for a few days and it was really nice.  i went to an o-week party with them, and on the way back to the hall they decided it would be hilarious to go to a strip club (they were all 18 or 19 so y’know).  i went in but i wasn’t really feeling it - i’m not really a fan of strip clubs and i didn’t have any money to give the dancers but i didn’t want to be in there NOT giving them money.  one of the other girls looked visibly uncomfortable so i asked her if she wanted to go and wait outside until the others were ready to leave.  we were chatting, and she was like, “yeah, i just feel uncomfortable being in the presence of naked women,” and i was like, “fair enough, i don’t mind cos i’m gay, but i don’t really like strip clubs.”  after that she turned really frosty but i didn’t think anything of it until they all snobbed me at breakfast the next morning - turns out this girl goes to one of those evangelical megachurches who think that being gay can be “cured”, and she told the others that she didn’t want me hanging out with them anymore.  think she might have made some shit up about me to make them not like me either, lovely thing to do.  it didn’t matter because i made other friends in the hall, including probably the only two other lesbians living there, but it still hurt.  but the funny thing about it is this homophobic girl was my next door neighbour, and i knew it made her uncomfortable whenever she ran into me in the hallway - and i made a point to occasionally take girls home and have very loud sex with them, knowing she’d be able to hear hahahahahaha.

30. what is a piece of advice for people who may not be in a safe place to express their sexuality?  just do what you gotta do to survive - you’re no less queer if you can’t be out.  find someone you trust that you can talk to, so that you’re not alone.  it won’t always be like this - one day you’ll be able to live your truth.  just keep holding on.

[lodelss]

Alice Driver | Longreads | July 2020 | 16 minutes (3,906 words)

“Me with two suitcases, without knowing anything, so far away, not speaking the language, oh no, it was a total odyssey.” — Karla Avelar

* * *

Home was 16 by 26 feet. When Karla, 41, lay on her single bed at night, she could stretch out her left arm and grab her mother Flor’s* hand. She and her mother, who was 64, hadn’t lived together for 32 years: Now they practiced French together and her mother, who never learned to write, carefully traced the letters of the French alphabet in cursive well into the night. Neither of them had finished elementary school; Flor, born in rural El Salvador, was forced to leave school after first grade to work and help support her family and Karla was forced out of school in eighth grade due to bullying from teachers and students who told her she had to dress like a man in order to attend class, who once tried to hold her down and cut her hair and who frequently beat her up. Home was the name she had chosen for herself — Karla Avelar — one that was first legally recognized when she was 41 and requesting asylum in Switzerland. When the weight of memories of her previous life haunted Karla, she went outside to search for a place to cry alone.

When I first met Karla in San Salvador, El Salvador in July 2017, her home was a place I couldn’t safely visit. Karla, a renowned LGBTQ activist, had been nominated for the Martin Ennals Award for Human Rights, which would come with a large cash prize of if she won. Members of the Mara Salvatrucha in Karla’s neighborhood, part of an international gang known as the MS-13, had become aware of the news and had threatened to kill her if she won and didn’t hand the money over to them. She had even been forced to change houses due to the threats, but she still felt her neighborhood wasn’t safe for me to visit, so we met at the offices of COMCAVIS TRANS, an NGO that was the culmination of her life’s work as an activist. Like so many trans women in El Salvador, she had survived more violence than most of us could imagine — rapes, assassination attempts, being unjustly imprisoned — and after being released from prison, she founded COMCAVIS TRANS as the first openly HIV positive trans woman in the country. I interviewed Karla for a story about the reasons why trans woman flee El Salvador, neither of us knowing that Karla would eventually become the story.

On October 6, 2017, roughly a month-and-a-half after we bid each other farewell in San Salvador, Karla and her mother flew to Switzerland to attend the awards ceremony for Martin Ennals Award nominees. When they arrived in Switzerland, Flor broke down and told Karla that members of the MS-13 gang had come to her house, beat her up and forced her to watch a video in which they were torturing a man, telling her that they would do the same thing to Karla. Before leaving, they told Flor that they would rape her in front of Karla and then kill her if Karla didn’t hand over the prize money. And then they asked her to confirm the date that Karla would return to El Salvador after her trip to Switzerland.

Karla relayed the threats to the members of the Martin Ennals Award for Human Rights who were worried that she would be assassinated if she returned to El Salvador. They encouraged her and her mother to apply for asylum in Switzerland. At the awards ceremony, Karla was recognized for her activism and awarded a monetary prize plus an additional amount to donate to the NGO of her choice. Karla and Flor didn’t have time to celebrate — they needed a few days alone to consider what it would mean to never return to the land of their birth. Karla was proud that she had lived honestly in El Salvador, not hiding her past as a sex worker, as someone who had spent time in jail and was HIV+, even when it put her at risk, but she also knew many trans women who had been murdered for their activism.

On Oct. 22, 2017, Karla and Flor requested asylum in Switzerland, and they were sent to a shelter for asylum seekers. “It was huge,” said Karla of the shelter, adding, “at first [the other migrants] treated us very badly. There was a lot of xenophobia directed at us because we were from Latin America.” After Karla was harassed by a group of African migrants, she and Flor were moved to another shelter where they spent 22 days. The shelter — in contrast to the U.S. detention system which often disregards the safety of the transgender community — provided all transgender asylum seekers with a private room with a kitchen and a bath and guaranteed their privacy and security. Karla and her mother were assigned a social worker to help them through the asylum process, a woman who initially called Karla by the name assigned to her at birth. Karla explained that although it was insulting, “I didn’t want to switch social workers — I wanted her to change and to have the chance to rectify.”

After three weeks at the shelter, Karla and her mother were given the choice of three small government subsidized apartments in a town where they could await their asylum hearing. Karla requested that the names of places where she has lived in Switzerland be omitted for her safety. She visited them all and picked the apartment that was closest to a hospital knowing that she would need to take care of some urgent health issues — a doctor in El Salvador at the Ministry of Health had diagnosed her with a terminal illness. And that is how Karla and Flor ended up in a studio apartment with just enough room for two single beds, a small sink, and a bathroom. “I invade her privacy as an older adult person and she invades my privacy as a trans person,” explained Karla as we sat at an open-air restaurant in October 2018. When I visited her, she and her mother were still stateless, slowly working their way through the asylum process while living off a small monthly stipend provided by the Swiss government. As Karla described the situation, “Although we were born in El Salvador, we no longer have Salvadoran nationality and we can’t travel. We live in Switzerland but we don’t have Swiss nationality so we are two stateless people and that is frustrating — not to be able to work, not to be able to study, not to be able to speak the language, to need to request a permit for everything.”

Even so, Karla was aware that she was lucky to be able to request asylum in Switzerland, a country where requesting asylum was not criminalized and where she could study French while waiting to hear the outcome of her request. “As far as being an activist, I’ve been really fortunate during the [asylum] process,” she explained. “Activism has provided me with support — both financial and moral — from friends and allied organizations that I met through my work.” At COMCAVIS TRANS, Karla had provided support to help trans women who wanted to migrate to the U.S. understand the asylum process and gathered documentation of the violence they had experienced. She had lived the violence that trans women experienced, and understood intimately why trans women sought asylum in the U.S. and Europe.

A 2019 study which COMCAVIS TRANS contributed to, “El Prejuicio No Conoce Fronteras” (“Prejudice Knows No Borders”), found that four LGBTQ people are murdered every day in Latin America and the Caribbean. The study showed that roughly 1,300 members of the LGBTQ community have been murdered in the region in the past five years, a figure that includes many of Karla’s trans friends. To put this data in context, which is important because violence against the LGBTQ community is often underreported, between 1990-2019, 350 trans women who Karla was friends with in El Salvador or who she had met through work at COMCAVIS TRANS were murdered. Many countries in the region, like El Salvador, have few if any laws to protect the LGBTQ community, and since police and the army are often implicated in such violence, laws are rarely enforced.

Most Central American migrants still seek asylum in the U.S., but the number seeking asylum in Europe has increased nearly 4,000 percent in the last decade. Given the cost of paying smugglers and the violence of gangs controlling routes to the U.S., some Central American migrants have discovered that the journey to Europe is safer and cheaper. In Karla’s case, she never planned to migrate to Switzerland, but as soon as she requested asylum, she began networking with LGBTQ migrants from Central America across Europe to form a supportive community like the one she had created in San Salvador.

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The day we reunited in Switzerland, she greeted me in French, the skin around her eyes crinkling as she smiled. She wore jeans, light blue shoes, and a top with pink, blue, and black feathers. We sat in the golden late afternoon light and ordered fondue as we watched lean, youthful bodies jump into a nearby lake. Karla, her face relaxed, talked about the support the Swiss government had provided her to get medical care, describing how all tests for the terminal illness at the hospital had come back negative. She believed the diagnosis that she had received in El Salvador boiled down to doctors discriminating against her and misdiagnosing her as a form of “psychological torture” for being trans. “There are other concerns, right? But a negative diagnosis is the lottery for me right now,” she said.

Karla would also receive support to get reconstructive breast surgery and to fully transition into the body she had always dreamed of, a process that doctors said would take about three years. “In my youth, when I was 15, I injected mineral oil into my breasts,” Karla explained. “It is a do-it-yourself process in Latin America; some trans inject mineral, some airplane oil, some cooking oil, but they all are serious things over time.” When Karla had been beat up by the police in El Salvador — their way of punishing her for being a sex worker — they had hit her breasts, leaving behind hematomas that doctors in El Salvador diagnosed as a terminal illness. “That was news that emotionally destroyed me,” whispered Karla. The doctor in El Salvador had also told her, “What you need to do is look for God.” After being trapped in a body that was not aligned with who she felt she was and lied to by doctors in her own country, Karla was thankful to finally have doctors who respected her. Given that she had waited more than 40 years to fully transition to look and feel as she had always seen herself, three years would feel like no time at all.

Throughout the process of receiving asylum, the Swiss government provided Karla with comprehensive health care that respected her needs as a trans woman. “I am very lucky that the head HIV doctor speaks Spanish. She is from Argentina and she is fabulous,” said Karla, mentioning the compassion with which her team of doctors has treated her. Karla’s experience proved a marked contrast to the experience of trans women who seek asylum in the U.S. who: 1) are sent to detention centers rather than shelters like in Switzerland, 2) are often held in male detention centers in the US where they are likely to experience violence (Cibola County Correctional Center is the only ICE facility in the U.S. with a unit reserved exclusively for trans women), and 3) if they are HIV+, receive negligent medical treatment, which, in cases like those of Roxana Hernández and Joana Medina León, leads to death. In the U.S., migrants and asylees are treated like criminals in the billion-dollar detention business which is mostly run via private prison companies.

Even though laws protecting the LGBTQ community in Switzerland were stronger than in El Salvador, Karla still saw an opportunity to use her experience to provide support for others adjusting to a new home. “I’m thinking of founding an organization here for trans women migrants who are refugees,” Karla said as she dipped her bread in fondue. “We could raise funds and create a baseball or a soccer teams for LGBTQ refugees.” She had turned over COMCAVIS TRANS to one of her co-workers, but she felt a lot of guilt about leaving her colleagues and her community and worried that they felt abandoned by her. “Talking about Comcavis brings up memories — and not only memories — it moves my heart because it is a project that was born out of necessity that I experienced firsthand as a [trans] person and that, in the end, became a reality and went on to benefit many people,” explained Karla. “I hope I can achieve this other trans dream.”

When we first met in San Salvador, Karla talked about how she responded to being a victim of countless acts of violence. “There is nothing to do but rebel,” she said. “Rebelling is one way and another is to claim your rights. The fact is you’ve got to claim the right to live because if you don’t claim it, you become a victim of that violation, of that aggression.” And the beauty of watching how Karla worked was seeing that she rebelled by claiming rights for the LGBTQ community, by creating spaces where they could feel safe and learn more about their legal rights.

After dinner, we walked around a lake, stopping to sit on a bench at dusk, the night gathering around us as we talked. Cruise ships lit up red and yellow passed by as Karla talked about how she had waited her entire life to change her name legally, and that as of June 21, 2018, she was officially Karla Avelar. “This has allowed me to not only feel good about myself, but to also feel good socially because I know that I can go to the bank, the grocery store or the pharmacy and that they will treat me like I want to be treated,” explained Karla. Her mother, whose house she fled when she was 9 because she was being abused by a family member and was rejected for her long hair and feminine gestures, had only become part of her life again after she was released from prison in 2002. Flor first called her Karla in 2017. “It was such a surprise that I couldn’t think of what to say. I just thought, ‘Wow, my mom called me Karla’ and from then on, she said ‘Karla’ except sometimes she called me my birth name because she would call me her son. But it made me very happy to see that she corrected herself and called me ‘Karla’ and then when she was speaking to people she would say, ‘This is my daughter.’”

Both mother and daughter struggled with their inability to work. “It was not easy for me to throw away my life’s dream,” Karla said, referring to her work at COMCAVIS TRANS.  In March of 2018, Karla became depressed and didn’t get out of bed for two weeks. “I told my mom to close the curtains and leave the room dark. I was so helpless that I think I went a week without showering.” In those first months in Switzerland, she and her mother looked for places to cry alone until they slowly built up the confidence to cry openly in front of each other. But there were also days when Karla and Flor were immersed in French classes, thrilled at the opportunity to be learning in a supportive environment. And as news of Karla’s asylum request spread, she began to receive messages on Facebook from members of the LGBTQ community around the globe. “They called me and sent me hugs and nice emails — so many trans people did, people who I helped,” said Karla. She shared one Facebook message that read: “Karla, it took you a long time, but congratulations, you are now free.”

Karla had begun to participate in events and conferences, including a one about global refugees, and she was helping a doctoral thesis student at a university in Holland with her research into the motives that force trans women to migrate to Europe. “I helped her contact trans women in Europe who are requesting asylum. Here she will do interviews with a Panamanian, a Costa Rican and me, and then she will go to Italy, Spain, Madrid, Morocco.”

Karla stood up from the bench, walked to the lake’s edge, and hopped onto the white railing surrounding the lake, kicking her legs in the air and throwing her head back. “I am excited, excited because I want to learn another language,” she said smiling. As soon as she mastered French, which she knew would be difficult given how long she had been out of school, she wanted to learn a third language: English. On the first day of French class, she was the only Latin American in class, so she felt like a fish out of water and wished that the earth would open and swallow her. However, as she continued attending classes, her excitement won out over her nerves — and she was also proud that she had earned high marks from her demanding teacher. “I think that this is a country of respect, a country of opportunities, a country that gives you confidence. And you should treat that confidence like a treasure. I also think that it’s a very strict country that adheres to a lot of laws, to the rules, but therefore it guarantees a lot of rights,” Karla said.

As we walked back to her apartment, down brightly lit avenues, she talked about Flor and her bravery in fighting against a society that had discriminated against her for having a trans daughter. “I think my biggest inspiration is my mother. I’m sure it is my mom because sometimes I’m in bed and she suddenly gets up and it is 12 or 1 in the morning, and she is studying. Then I think to myself, ‘How strong is my mother’s willpower!’”

We walked up a narrow stairway and down a hall lined with trash cans to a thin wooden door. When Karla opened it, we saw Flor sitting on the bed on the right side of the room, a pencil in hand, working on her French homework while practicing her pronunciation under her breath. She stood up, all of five feet tall, her wiry black hair shot through with white in a ponytail, and said, Bonsoir! The cinder-block walls were painted white, and the beds, a few feet apart, were narrow. On the right side of the room was a tiny sink and a hotplate surrounded by a few dishes, and on the left side was a small, bare bathroom. There was just enough space for two people to move around without bumping into each other, but as Karla put it, “In reality, we invade each other’s privacy because there is just one room.”

Karla and I sat on her narrow bed, while Flor situated herself across from us on her bed. Flor and Karla had the same round cheeks that flushed whenever they were happy. We talked about Estrella, a trans woman who Karla had introduced me to in San Salvador, who had received asylum in the U.S. and legally changed her name to Michelle. While Karla studied French in Switzerland, Michelle studied English in the U.S., something that brought them both joy given that they had been forced out of school in El Salvador due to discrimination. Over the two years of our relationship, Karla and Michelle often wrote me on Facebook, initially to discuss individual cases of injustice against trans women and later to celebrate the simple things they had always wished to do but been denied: to study, to work the job of their choice, to watch a same sex couple walk down the street peacefully hand in hand.

“I remember that when I started to express my gender, [the teachers] ordered me to cut my hair,” Karla said, looking back on her childhood. “I remember that my school teacher and director, who was named Francisco, said that because I identified as gay, I was ordered to collect shit from the toilets, from the latrines. I was ordered to collect rotten sludge for being queer. All those things force you not only to leave school but to abandon your studies. They condemn you, they condemn you to being poor, to pursuing sex work, to not being able to feed yourself, to ending up in prison because you have no preparation, no work, no home.” Karla, like Michelle, had faced discrimination in El Salvador from a young age. She remembered that when she founded COMCAVIS TRANS, she didn’t know how to turn on a computer. “Nobody was ever going to teach me, so I taught myself how to use Excel, Microsoft Word. I learned out of pure necessity,” described Karla. The last time we all saw each other on a street corner in San Salvador in August 2017, Michelle and Karla were both afraid of being assassinated by gangs, unsure of the future.

When I left their apartment that night, Karla and her mother were practicing French together, looking over their homework, reviewing their professors’ corrections, finding joy in an educational process they had both been denied for a lifetime. The began: un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf, dix and worked their way up to 100, their bodies relaxed, their faces hopeful. “If it is going to take me 10, 15 years to learn French — it will take you less,” said Karla to Flor. “I am going to die trying,” she added, laughing.

Two months later, in early December 2019, while at home in Mexico City, I received a WhatsApp message from Karla: “I wanted to share my happiness. Today I received official notice that my asylum has been approved.” She attached a letter that she had written to share with family and friends. She wrote, “The road has not been easy, neither for my family nor for me, with episodes of depression, nostalgia, despair, loneliness, tears, furies and others. But here I am, enormously grateful with life for giving me a new opportunity to advance in peace, secure, calm, happy, free, and without risk of losing it at any moment because of my gender identity and my work as an LGBTI human rights activist in El Salvador and in the region.” Reading it, I remembered sitting in her office in San Salvador in 2017 as we weighed the threats against her life. She mused, “I believe, and I am very clear, that the country does not need martyrs. And I am very clear that I serve more alive than dead.” And so, in the land that first legally recognized her as Karla, she leaned in for the long haul, continuing to do the daily work that over time changes lives — mine, her mother’s, yours.

* * *

*Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

* * *

Alice Driver is a freelance journalist and the author of More or Less Dead. She writes and produces radio for National Geographic, Time, CNN, Reveal from the Center for Investigative Reporting, Las Raras Podcast and Oxford American.

* * *

Editor: Mike Dang Fact-checker: Julie Schwietert Collazo

[lodelss]

The Promised Land

Alice Driver | Longreads | July 2020 | 16 minutes (3,906 words)

“Me with two suitcases, without knowing anything, so far away, not speaking the language, oh no, it was a total odyssey.” — Karla Avelar

* * *

Home was 16 by 26 feet. When Karla, 41, lay on her single bed at night, she could stretch out her left arm and grab her mother Flor’s* hand. She and her mother, who was 64, hadn’t lived together for 32 years: Now they practiced French together and her mother, who never learned to write, carefully traced the letters of the French alphabet in cursive well into the night. Neither of them had finished elementary school; Flor, born in rural El Salvador, was forced to leave school after first grade to work and help support her family and Karla was forced out of school in eighth grade due to bullying from teachers and students who told her she had to dress like a man in order to attend class, who once tried to hold her down and cut her hair and who frequently beat her up. Home was the name she had chosen for herself — Karla Avelar — one that was first legally recognized when she was 41 and requesting asylum in Switzerland. When the weight of memories of her previous life haunted Karla, she went outside to search for a place to cry alone.

When I first met Karla in San Salvador, El Salvador in July 2017, her home was a place I couldn’t safely visit. Karla, a renowned LGBTQ activist, had been nominated for the Martin Ennals Award for Human Rights, which would come with a large cash prize of if she won. Members of the Mara Salvatrucha in Karla’s neighborhood, part of an international gang known as the MS-13, had become aware of the news and had threatened to kill her if she won and didn’t hand the money over to them. She had even been forced to change houses due to the threats, but she still felt her neighborhood wasn’t safe for me to visit, so we met at the offices of COMCAVIS TRANS, an NGO that was the culmination of her life’s work as an activist. Like so many trans women in El Salvador, she had survived more violence than most of us could imagine — rapes, assassination attempts, being unjustly imprisoned — and after being released from prison, she founded COMCAVIS TRANS as the first openly HIV positive trans woman in the country. I interviewed Karla for a story about the reasons why trans woman flee El Salvador, neither of us knowing that Karla would eventually become the story.

On October 6, 2017, roughly a month-and-a-half after we bid each other farewell in San Salvador, Karla and her mother flew to Switzerland to attend the awards ceremony for Martin Ennals Award nominees. When they arrived in Switzerland, Flor broke down and told Karla that members of the MS-13 gang had come to her house, beat her up and forced her to watch a video in which they were torturing a man, telling her that they would do the same thing to Karla. Before leaving, they told Flor that they would rape her in front of Karla and then kill her if Karla didn’t hand over the prize money. And then they asked her to confirm the date that Karla would return to El Salvador after her trip to Switzerland.

Karla relayed the threats to the members of the Martin Ennals Award for Human Rights who were worried that she would be assassinated if she returned to El Salvador. They encouraged her and her mother to apply for asylum in Switzerland. At the awards ceremony, Karla was recognized for her activism and awarded a monetary prize plus an additional amount to donate to the NGO of her choice. Karla and Flor didn’t have time to celebrate — they needed a few days alone to consider what it would mean to never return to the land of their birth. Karla was proud that she had lived honestly in El Salvador, not hiding her past as a sex worker, as someone who had spent time in jail and was HIV+, even when it put her at risk, but she also knew many trans women who had been murdered for their activism.

On Oct. 22, 2017, Karla and Flor requested asylum in Switzerland, and they were sent to a shelter for asylum seekers. “It was huge,” said Karla of the shelter, adding, “at first [the other migrants] treated us very badly. There was a lot of xenophobia directed at us because we were from Latin America.” After Karla was harassed by a group of African migrants, she and Flor were moved to another shelter where they spent 22 days. The shelter — in contrast to the U.S. detention system which often disregards the safety of the transgender community — provided all transgender asylum seekers with a private room with a kitchen and a bath and guaranteed their privacy and security. Karla and her mother were assigned a social worker to help them through the asylum process, a woman who initially called Karla by the name assigned to her at birth. Karla explained that although it was insulting, “I didn’t want to switch social workers — I wanted her to change and to have the chance to rectify.”

After three weeks at the shelter, Karla and her mother were given the choice of three small government subsidized apartments in a town where they could await their asylum hearing. Karla requested that the names of places where she has lived in Switzerland be omitted for her safety. She visited them all and picked the apartment that was closest to a hospital knowing that she would need to take care of some urgent health issues — a doctor in El Salvador at the Ministry of Health had diagnosed her with a terminal illness. And that is how Karla and Flor ended up in a studio apartment with just enough room for two single beds, a small sink, and a bathroom. “I invade her privacy as an older adult person and she invades my privacy as a trans person,” explained Karla as we sat at an open-air restaurant in October 2018. When I visited her, she and her mother were still stateless, slowly working their way through the asylum process while living off a small monthly stipend provided by the Swiss government. As Karla described the situation, “Although we were born in El Salvador, we no longer have Salvadoran nationality and we can’t travel. We live in Switzerland but we don’t have Swiss nationality so we are two stateless people and that is frustrating — not to be able to work, not to be able to study, not to be able to speak the language, to need to request a permit for everything.”

Even so, Karla was aware that she was lucky to be able to request asylum in Switzerland, a country where requesting asylum was not criminalized and where she could study French while waiting to hear the outcome of her request. “As far as being an activist, I’ve been really fortunate during the [asylum] process,” she explained. “Activism has provided me with support — both financial and moral — from friends and allied organizations that I met through my work.” At COMCAVIS TRANS, Karla had provided support to help trans women who wanted to migrate to the U.S. understand the asylum process and gathered documentation of the violence they had experienced. She had lived the violence that trans women experienced, and understood intimately why trans women sought asylum in the U.S. and Europe.

A 2019 study which COMCAVIS TRANS contributed to, “El Prejuicio No Conoce Fronteras” (“Prejudice Knows No Borders”), found that four LGBTQ people are murdered every day in Latin America and the Caribbean. The study showed that roughly 1,300 members of the LGBTQ community have been murdered in the region in the past five years, a figure that includes many of Karla’s trans friends. To put this data in context, which is important because violence against the LGBTQ community is often underreported, between 1990-2019, 350 trans women who Karla was friends with in El Salvador or who she had met through work at COMCAVIS TRANS were murdered. Many countries in the region, like El Salvador, have few if any laws to protect the LGBTQ community, and since police and the army are often implicated in such violence, laws are rarely enforced.

Most Central American migrants still seek asylum in the U.S., but the number seeking asylum in Europe has increased nearly 4,000 percent in the last decade. Given the cost of paying smugglers and the violence of gangs controlling routes to the U.S., some Central American migrants have discovered that the journey to Europe is safer and cheaper. In Karla’s case, she never planned to migrate to Switzerland, but as soon as she requested asylum, she began networking with LGBTQ migrants from Central America across Europe to form a supportive community like the one she had created in San Salvador.

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The day we reunited in Switzerland, she greeted me in French, the skin around her eyes crinkling as she smiled. She wore jeans, light blue shoes, and a top with pink, blue, and black feathers. We sat in the golden late afternoon light and ordered fondue as we watched lean, youthful bodies jump into a nearby lake. Karla, her face relaxed, talked about the support the Swiss government had provided her to get medical care, describing how all tests for the terminal illness at the hospital had come back negative. She believed the diagnosis that she had received in El Salvador boiled down to doctors discriminating against her and misdiagnosing her as a form of “psychological torture” for being trans. “There are other concerns, right? But a negative diagnosis is the lottery for me right now,” she said.

Karla would also receive support to get reconstructive breast surgery and to fully transition into the body she had always dreamed of, a process that doctors said would take about three years. “In my youth, when I was 15, I injected mineral oil into my breasts,” Karla explained. “It is a do-it-yourself process in Latin America; some trans inject mineral, some airplane oil, some cooking oil, but they all are serious things over time.” When Karla had been beat up by the police in El Salvador — their way of punishing her for being a sex worker — they had hit her breasts, leaving behind hematomas that doctors in El Salvador diagnosed as a terminal illness. “That was news that emotionally destroyed me,” whispered Karla. The doctor in El Salvador had also told her, “What you need to do is look for God.” After being trapped in a body that was not aligned with who she felt she was and lied to by doctors in her own country, Karla was thankful to finally have doctors who respected her. Given that she had waited more than 40 years to fully transition to look and feel as she had always seen herself, three years would feel like no time at all.

Throughout the process of receiving asylum, the Swiss government provided Karla with comprehensive health care that respected her needs as a trans woman. “I am very lucky that the head HIV doctor speaks Spanish. She is from Argentina and she is fabulous,” said Karla, mentioning the compassion with which her team of doctors has treated her. Karla’s experience proved a marked contrast to the experience of trans women who seek asylum in the U.S. who: 1) are sent to detention centers rather than shelters like in Switzerland, 2) are often held in male detention centers in the US where they are likely to experience violence (Cibola County Correctional Center is the only ICE facility in the U.S. with a unit reserved exclusively for trans women), and 3) if they are HIV+, receive negligent medical treatment, which, in cases like those of Roxana Hernández and Joana Medina León, leads to death. In the U.S., migrants and asylees are treated like criminals in the billion-dollar detention business which is mostly run via private prison companies.

Even though laws protecting the LGBTQ community in Switzerland were stronger than in El Salvador, Karla still saw an opportunity to use her experience to provide support for others adjusting to a new home. “I’m thinking of founding an organization here for trans women migrants who are refugees,” Karla said as she dipped her bread in fondue. “We could raise funds and create a baseball or a soccer teams for LGBTQ refugees.” She had turned over COMCAVIS TRANS to one of her co-workers, but she felt a lot of guilt about leaving her colleagues and her community and worried that they felt abandoned by her. “Talking about Comcavis brings up memories — and not only memories — it moves my heart because it is a project that was born out of necessity that I experienced firsthand as a [trans] person and that, in the end, became a reality and went on to benefit many people,” explained Karla. “I hope I can achieve this other trans dream.”

When we first met in San Salvador, Karla talked about how she responded to being a victim of countless acts of violence. “There is nothing to do but rebel,” she said. “Rebelling is one way and another is to claim your rights. The fact is you’ve got to claim the right to live because if you don’t claim it, you become a victim of that violation, of that aggression.” And the beauty of watching how Karla worked was seeing that she rebelled by claiming rights for the LGBTQ community, by creating spaces where they could feel safe and learn more about their legal rights.

After dinner, we walked around a lake, stopping to sit on a bench at dusk, the night gathering around us as we talked. Cruise ships lit up red and yellow passed by as Karla talked about how she had waited her entire life to change her name legally, and that as of June 21, 2018, she was officially Karla Avelar. “This has allowed me to not only feel good about myself, but to also feel good socially because I know that I can go to the bank, the grocery store or the pharmacy and that they will treat me like I want to be treated,” explained Karla. Her mother, whose house she fled when she was 9 because she was being abused by a family member and was rejected for her long hair and feminine gestures, had only become part of her life again after she was released from prison in 2002. Flor first called her Karla in 2017. “It was such a surprise that I couldn’t think of what to say. I just thought, ‘Wow, my mom called me Karla’ and from then on, she said ‘Karla’ except sometimes she called me my birth name because she would call me her son. But it made me very happy to see that she corrected herself and called me ‘Karla’ and then when she was speaking to people she would say, ‘This is my daughter.’”

Both mother and daughter struggled with their inability to work. “It was not easy for me to throw away my life’s dream,” Karla said, referring to her work at COMCAVIS TRANS.  In March of 2018, Karla became depressed and didn’t get out of bed for two weeks. “I told my mom to close the curtains and leave the room dark. I was so helpless that I think I went a week without showering.” In those first months in Switzerland, she and her mother looked for places to cry alone until they slowly built up the confidence to cry openly in front of each other. But there were also days when Karla and Flor were immersed in French classes, thrilled at the opportunity to be learning in a supportive environment. And as news of Karla’s asylum request spread, she began to receive messages on Facebook from members of the LGBTQ community around the globe. “They called me and sent me hugs and nice emails — so many trans people did, people who I helped,” said Karla. She shared one Facebook message that read: “Karla, it took you a long time, but congratulations, you are now free.”

Karla had begun to participate in events and conferences, including a one about global refugees, and she was helping a doctoral thesis student at a university in Holland with her research into the motives that force trans women to migrate to Europe. “I helped her contact trans women in Europe who are requesting asylum. Here she will do interviews with a Panamanian, a Costa Rican and me, and then she will go to Italy, Spain, Madrid, Morocco.”

Karla stood up from the bench, walked to the lake’s edge, and hopped onto the white railing surrounding the lake, kicking her legs in the air and throwing her head back. “I am excited, excited because I want to learn another language,” she said smiling. As soon as she mastered French, which she knew would be difficult given how long she had been out of school, she wanted to learn a third language: English. On the first day of French class, she was the only Latin American in class, so she felt like a fish out of water and wished that the earth would open and swallow her. However, as she continued attending classes, her excitement won out over her nerves — and she was also proud that she had earned high marks from her demanding teacher. “I think that this is a country of respect, a country of opportunities, a country that gives you confidence. And you should treat that confidence like a treasure. I also think that it’s a very strict country that adheres to a lot of laws, to the rules, but therefore it guarantees a lot of rights,” Karla said.

As we walked back to her apartment, down brightly lit avenues, she talked about Flor and her bravery in fighting against a society that had discriminated against her for having a trans daughter. “I think my biggest inspiration is my mother. I’m sure it is my mom because sometimes I’m in bed and she suddenly gets up and it is 12 or 1 in the morning, and she is studying. Then I think to myself, ‘How strong is my mother’s willpower!’”

We walked up a narrow stairway and down a hall lined with trash cans to a thin wooden door. When Karla opened it, we saw Flor sitting on the bed on the right side of the room, a pencil in hand, working on her French homework while practicing her pronunciation under her breath. She stood up, all of five feet tall, her wiry black hair shot through with white in a ponytail, and said, Bonsoir! The cinder-block walls were painted white, and the beds, a few feet apart, were narrow. On the right side of the room was a tiny sink and a hotplate surrounded by a few dishes, and on the left side was a small, bare bathroom. There was just enough space for two people to move around without bumping into each other, but as Karla put it, “In reality, we invade each other’s privacy because there is just one room.”

Karla and I sat on her narrow bed, while Flor situated herself across from us on her bed. Flor and Karla had the same round cheeks that flushed whenever they were happy. We talked about Estrella, a trans woman who Karla had introduced me to in San Salvador, who had received asylum in the U.S. and legally changed her name to Michelle. While Karla studied French in Switzerland, Michelle studied English in the U.S., something that brought them both joy given that they had been forced out of school in El Salvador due to discrimination. Over the two years of our relationship, Karla and Michelle often wrote me on Facebook, initially to discuss individual cases of injustice against trans women and later to celebrate the simple things they had always wished to do but been denied: to study, to work the job of their choice, to watch a same sex couple walk down the street peacefully hand in hand.

“I remember that when I started to express my gender, [the teachers] ordered me to cut my hair,” Karla said, looking back on her childhood. “I remember that my school teacher and director, who was named Francisco, said that because I identified as gay, I was ordered to collect shit from the toilets, from the latrines. I was ordered to collect rotten sludge for being queer. All those things force you not only to leave school but to abandon your studies. They condemn you, they condemn you to being poor, to pursuing sex work, to not being able to feed yourself, to ending up in prison because you have no preparation, no work, no home.” Karla, like Michelle, had faced discrimination in El Salvador from a young age. She remembered that when she founded COMCAVIS TRANS, she didn’t know how to turn on a computer. “Nobody was ever going to teach me, so I taught myself how to use Excel, Microsoft Word. I learned out of pure necessity,” described Karla. The last time we all saw each other on a street corner in San Salvador in August 2017, Michelle and Karla were both afraid of being assassinated by gangs, unsure of the future.

When I left their apartment that night, Karla and her mother were practicing French together, looking over their homework, reviewing their professors’ corrections, finding joy in an educational process they had both been denied for a lifetime. The began: un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf, dix and worked their way up to 100, their bodies relaxed, their faces hopeful. “If it is going to take me 10, 15 years to learn French — it will take you less,” said Karla to Flor. “I am going to die trying,” she added, laughing.

Two months later, in early December 2019, while at home in Mexico City, I received a WhatsApp message from Karla: “I wanted to share my happiness. Today I received official notice that my asylum has been approved.” She attached a letter that she had written to share with family and friends. She wrote, “The road has not been easy, neither for my family nor for me, with episodes of depression, nostalgia, despair, loneliness, tears, furies and others. But here I am, enormously grateful with life for giving me a new opportunity to advance in peace, secure, calm, happy, free, and without risk of losing it at any moment because of my gender identity and my work as an LGBTI human rights activist in El Salvador and in the region.” Reading it, I remembered sitting in her office in San Salvador in 2017 as we weighed the threats against her life. She mused, “I believe, and I am very clear, that the country does not need martyrs. And I am very clear that I serve more alive than dead.” And so, in the land that first legally recognized her as Karla, she leaned in for the long haul, continuing to do the daily work that over time changes lives — mine, her mother’s, yours.

* * *

*Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

* * *

Alice Driver is a freelance journalist and the author of More or Less Dead. She writes and produces radio for National Geographic, Time, CNN, Reveal from the Center for Investigative Reporting, Las Raras Podcast and Oxford American.

* * *

Editor: Mike Dang Fact-checker: Julie Schwietert Collazo

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[gaymusicchart]

GAY MUSIC CHART – 2017 week 52

 Welcome to the Gay Music Chart, the LGBTQA related music videos TOP 50 actuality and most request.

Vote for your favourite LGBTQA related music videos by leaving a comment for this post on :

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 Here is the recap for this week :

 OUT : Não Recomendados - Não Recomendado (Remix Deep Lick) (LW: 18 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 18)

OUT : Kevin Chomat - Un homme à terre (LW: 27 / WO: 45 / PEAK: 01 (x3))

OUT : Oscar and the Wolf - Breathing (LW: 32 / WO: 4 / PEAK: 10)

OUT : Banda Uó - Tô na Rua (LW: 34 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 34)

OUT : Oscar and the Wolf - Runaway (LW: 37 / WO: 7 / PEAK: 19)

OUT : Jvel - Los morbos, los vicios y todos los servicios (LW: 38 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 38)

OUT : Brandi Carlile - The Joke (Live from Studio A) (LW: 39 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 39)

OUT : Living Without Prejudice - Stronger Together (LW: 41 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 41)

OUT : Bilal Hassani - House Down (LW: 42 / WO: 5 / PEAK: 25)

OUT : 10cm - Help (LW: 43 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 24)

OUT : SOPHIE - Ponyboy (LW: 44 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 44)

OUT : La Pelopony - Icónica (LW: 46 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 46)

OUT : So Brown - United States of Deprivation (LW: 47 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 47)

OUT : Parson James - Only You (Lyric Video) (LW: 48 / WO: 1 / PEAK: 47)

OUT : Sam Vance-Law - I Think We Should Take It Fast (LW: 50 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 23)

  01 (=) : Alfie Arcuri - If They Only Knew (LW: 01 / WO: 25 / PEAK: 01 (x7))

This is the new music video of the winner of The Voice Australia 2016. What must do a gay man when he's in love with his best male friend, who's dating his best female friend?

  02 (=) : PJ Brennan - Tease (LW: 02 / WO: 7 / PEAK: 02)

PJ Brennan is well known for his role as Doug Carter in the British television soap opera Hollyoaks.

 03 (+ 14) : Kevin Chomat - Issue de secours (LW: 17 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 03)

 04 (+ 1) : Calum Scott - You Are The Reason (Lyric Video) (LW: 05 / WO: 5 / PEAK: 04)

 05 (+ 21) : Eli Lieb - Next To You (LW: 26 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 05)

 06 (+ 2) : Huntington - Love Is Love (LW: 08 / WO: 13 / PEAK: 02)

Three years after "Secret", this is their new original song. It was released specially for the Australian debate about marriage equality. Every cent made from this song went go to the Yes campaign. Now that the debate is over, finaly, LGBT can now get marry : congratulations Australia !

 07 (+ 24) : Trevor Moran - Sinner (LW: 31 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 07)

 08 (+ 11) : Jakub & Dawid - Pokochaj nas w święta (LW: 19 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 08)

This time, the Polish couple sings for this Christmas song, always to change mentalities in their country !

 09 (- 6) : Larva - For Ruy (censored version) (LW: 03 / WO: 9 / PEAK: 02)

Larva is a Mexican openly gay heavy metal band. The uncensored version, only for adults because of its raw sex content, is now also available on YouTube.

 10 (- 6) : Leon Else - What I Won't Do (Lyric Video) (LW: 04 / WO: 28 / PEAK: 02)

The British singer has came out on Facebook last May.

 11 (- 5) : Wrabel - The Village (LW: 06 / WO: 21 / PEAK: 01 (x1))

This engaging song was written the day after US President Trump removed new federal protections for trans students in public schools last February. Trans actor August Aiden plays the role of a young transgender who tries to be himself despite the hostility of his father in the music video.

 12 (=) : La Prohibida - Baloncesto (LW: 12 / WO: 22 / PEAK: 03)

 13 (=) : Conchita Wurst & Ina Regen - Heast as Net (Hubert Von Goisern Cover) (LW: 13 / WO: 4 / PEAK: 13)

The power of yodeling, but in a classy way.

 14 (- 3) : G&D (Geez & DIK) - Freelove (LW: 11 / WO: 7 / PEAK: 07)

There are several straight, gay, lesbian and bi couples making love in this music video.

 15 (+ 1) : HEIDRIK - Monster (LW: 16 / WO: 5 / PEAK: 15)

 16 (- 6) : Michele Bravi - Diamanti (LW: 10 / WO: 14 / PEAK: 04)

This is the third single from the Italian singer taken from the album “Anime Di Carta”.

 17 (- 8) : Greyson Chance - Low (Official Lyric Video) (LW: 09 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 09)

 18 (NEW) : Erik Altemus - Love Crimes (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 18)

 19 (- 12) : P!nk - Beautiful Trauma (LW: 07 / WO: 5 / PEAK: 06)

In her new music video, P!ink supports her husband Channing Tatum who loves wearing her dresses.

 20 (+ 4) : Alfie Arcuri - Love is Love (LW: 24 / WO: 10 / PEAK: 12)

The Australian singer took position with this song for the YES in the Australian Marriage Law Postal Survey. 61,6% of the 12,7 millions people who voted said YES to mariage equality. Now that the debate is over, finaly, LGBT can now get marry : congratulations Australia !

 21 (NEW) : Reigen - Rollin (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 21)

 22 (- 8) : Kevin Chomat - Sens Interdit (LW: 14 / WO: 16 / PEAK: 01 (x2))

This new single of the French singer reached the top 10 YouTube trending in France.

 23 (- 8) : SAKIMA - Daddy (LW: 15 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 15)

 24 (NEW) : Anye Elite - White Boy (Like A Kite) (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 24)

The track is #1 in the Top 40 LGBT Urban Chart.

 25 (- 4) : Bobby Newberry - Up (LW: 21 / WO: 9 / PEAK: 08)

 26 (NEW) : Tom Goss - Gay Christmas (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 26)

This song is dedicated for those who can't spend their Christmas holidays with their family, which are the moment in the year when LGBT are most exposed to homophobia in family.

 27 (+ 6) : Tokio Hotel - Boy Don't Cry (LW: 33 / WO: 8 / PEAK: 11)

The lead singer Bill Kaulitz becomes a beautiful drag queen in the new music video of the German band.

 28 (+ 1) : Namuel - Joven de Corazón (LW: 29 / WO: 7 / PEAK: 11)

In his new music video, the chilean singer is a teen at school who has a crush on his bully.

 29 (+ 1) : Michele Bravi - Tanto Per Cominciare (LW: 30 / WO: 7 / PEAK: 14)

 30 (- 5) : Sam Smith - One Last Song (LW: 25 / WO: 4 / PEAK: 25)

 31 (NEW) : Blondie - Doom or Destiny (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 31)

 32 (NEW) : Linn Da Quebrada feat. As Bahias e A Cozinha Mineira - Absolutas (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 32)

The video discusses the prejudices, diversity and representativeness of the LGBT community in Brazil.

 33 (NEW) : Tokio Hotel - Easy (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 33)

 34 (- 12) : Léo Áquilla - Princesinha da Favela (LW: 22 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 22)

 35 (NEW) : Brockhampton - Quiver (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 35)

The song is the chapter 3 of a short movie called "Billy Star", which included several songs.

 36 (- 1) : K Anderson - Cluttered (LW: 35 / WO: 4 / PEAK: 25)

 37 (NEW) : Smashby - Ringleader (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 37)

 38 (NEW) : Blake McGrath - Before You Go (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 38)

A song dedicated to his father.

 39 (NEW) : Out of the Blue - Merry Xmas Everybody (Charity Single) (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 39)

 40 (NEW) : Wham! - Last Christmas (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 40)

Fans tried to make this classic Christmas song tops the UK singles chart for Christmas, to honore George Michael, but it only came third.

 41 (RE-ENTRY) : P!nk - What About Us (LW: - / WO: 16 / PEAK: 01 (x3))

The music video includes audio contents from the tragic events in Charlottesville for denouncing the hate speeches from the supremacist movements, and shows several people dancing under the intimidating eye of the authorities, including two men together.

 42 (+ 3) : Hunter - So Gay (LW: 45 / WO: 2 / PEAK: 42)

The Tanzanian singer dares to proclaims his homosexuality in music in a country where homosexuality is criminalized and punished by prison. He has perhaps created a new anthem for LGBT rights in Africa.

 43 (- 20) : Hayley Kiyoko - Feelings (LW: 23 / WO: 9 / PEAK: 04)

The singer flirts with another woman while she’s dancing in her new music video.

 44 (NEW) : Willam Belli - Ho Ho Ho Ho (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 44)

 45 (- 9) : ILY - Your Love (LW: 36 / WO: 11 / PEAK: 05)

Two new brides are kissing in this Swedish music video.

 46 (NEW) : The Presets - Do What You Want (LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 46)

 47 (- 7) : Virgin Suicide - Evil Eyes (LW: 40 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 30)

This Danish music video is like a short movie, telling the struggles of a closeted gay teen taken by his father to a fathers-sons's camp.

 48 (- 20) : Javiera Mena - Dentro de ti (LW: 28 / WO: 3 / PEAK: 28)

 49 (=) : Sufjan Stevens - Mystery of Love ("Call Me By Your Name" OST) (LW: 49 / WO: 7 / PEAK: 11)

The movie Is actually nominated for 3 Golden Globes for Best Movie, Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor.

 50 (- 30) : Steve Grand - Walking (LW: 20 / WO: 10 / PEAK: 05)

The song has now a music video shot in New Orleans!

  ALSO NEW THIS WEEK

 Katy Perry - Hey Hey Hey

Katy Perry plays Marie-Antoinette who dreams to be Joan of Arc.

 Björk - Arisen my Senses

Arca is featuring in her new music video.

 Måneskin - Chosen

 Candy Ken - White Man Privilege

 Macy Rodman - SFUB

 Picco feat. Lunascope - Broke

 Alok & Mathieu Koss - Big Jet Plane

 Bobby Newberry - Holiday

 Bonnie McKee - Have Yourself a Merry Fucking Christmas

 Sam Sparro - Christmas in Your Heart

 Davis Mallory - Christmas Giving

 Nicki French - Very Christmas (Matt Pop Glitter & Sparkle Mix)

 NU3L - All I Want For Christmas Is You (cover of Mariah Carey)

 Chris Weaver and Stephanie’s Child - Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down) (live @ The Voice 2017 - Finale)

Even if the drag artist has been eliminated in episode 15 last November, he came back to make an amazing performance in the final, but some conservative viewers didn't appreciated it.

 Hansol 한솔 Sexy Dance (IU - "Jam Jam" choreography cover)

The South Korean singer, member of the boyband Topp Dogg, has came out as asexual last summer.

 Dez Mona - Skai Blue ("Skai Blue" OST)

This is the original soundtrack for short film SKAI BLUE by Guido Verelst, about a gay Cameroonian refugee.

 TURN IT AROUND - trailer (short movie by Niels Bourgonje)

The Netherlands, 2017

The trailer is only available on Vimeo. When the fifteen year old Bram meets Florian at a house party, he immediately falls for him. There’s only one problem: nobody knows Bram is gay.

 GENERATIONS from EXILE TRIBE - Y.M.C.A.

It's funny to see how an iconic gay anthem is covered by this famous Japanese boy band, even if it loses all its gayness.

 SECRET GUYZ -『悩めるヒーロー』Nayameru Hiro / The Troubling Hero

This is the new single of the Japanese transgender band.

 風男塾 (Fudanjuku) / 新たなる幕開けのための幕開けによる狂詩曲～キミがいればオレたちも笑顔 / Rhapsodism by the opening for a new beginning - If we are there we are smiling

 氷川きよし Hikawa Kiyoshi - きよしのねずみ小僧 / Kiyoshi no nezumi kozo

The latest single of the prince of enka.

 【TDC】Tomioka Dance Club 登美丘高校ダンス部 feat Shinsuke (from Beat Buddy Boi) - Baby Dance バブリーダンス

The original video from a Japanese high school dance club in Osaka made the buzz in Japan last September, so a lot of dance cover have raised on YouTube, like this one with a man dressed as a woman (the only one without heels). An occasion to hear again this old JPOP track from the eighties "Dancing Hero (Eat You Up)" from  荻野目洋子 Oginome Yoko.

 東京ゲゲゲイ Tokyo Gegegei -「世界中からサヨウナラ」"Sayonara From All Over The World"

A dance cover by Japanese choreographer Mikey.

  See you next week and don’t forget to vote for your best LGBTQA music videos ! Here are the rules :

1 ) You can vote for many videos as you want under the videos on YouTube in the comment section. It could be recent or past music videos, which must provide at least one among the following conditions:

- the music video has LGBTQA related content, in the lyrics or the music video

- the artist is LGBTQA, an LGBTQA icon or eventually ally

- LGBTQA medias talked about it.

2 ) You can’t vote more than 3 songs of a same artist per week.

3 ) In case of an artist who receive votes mostly by a fan base, we will count only one song, in a limited time of 10 weeks of presence in the top.

4 ) You can vote with only one account.

5 ) If you make 5 votes or less, your first vote will represent 5 points, your second vote 4 points, etc… until your last vote and following 1 point. If you make 6 to 10 votes, your first vote will represent 10 points, your second vote 9 points, etc… If you make more than 10 votes, your first vote will represent 20 points, your second vote 19 points, etc…

6 ) People who make 1 to 5 votes form the amateur ranking, those who make 6 to 10 votes form the fan ranking, those who make more than 10 votes form the expert ranking. We form the jury ranking. And we count now the ranking of minutes of views of our weekly playlist of the previous week. The Gay Music Chart is the addition of the five charts. In case of equality, the number of votes and the dates of votes will count.

7 ) The votes will close on Thursday, 8 PM, European time.