#because mediocre people like to feel like they deserve to be rewarded for the efforts they probably half assed

[jade-curtiss]

People with a supportive background when they're successful: my courage and my efforts paid off and everyone is free to do everything they want, sky is the limit.

[silantryoo]

BONUS [ LIKEALOOK ] — you owe me

minjeong's dorm, 12:12 am.

WARNINGS ; blood, mild violence, physical violence, god complex, slut shaming, victim blaming, victim complex (3.6k)

minjeong wasn't mediocre.

as soon as she could form thoughts, minjeong knew that she was worth something more.

yangsan was charming, in a sense. it was littered with people who knew each other, who would attend the same recitals, and talk about the same problems. soon enough, minjeong found herself walking by the same couple of faces daily, waving at the same people and thanking the same adults.

it was monotonous, and there was nothing more annoying than boredom.

minjeong had always wished that her parents had worked harder like she did. she wished that they would've put more effort into pleasing her, even if they would bend their backs to get her whatever she desired.

it wasn't so she could get rewarded for her efforts. it was because she deserved it. it was because she had always done everything right, because she was right.

she was kim minjeong. she needed the best in order to continue to be the best.

soon, she had outgrown yangsan.

minjeong had begged her parents to go to high school in seoul, despite living across the country. her brother, kim minseo, decided to stay behind, not wanting to restart the life he had built, to stay with his girlfriend.

at least, that was what minjeong had said to the girls.

she refused to show the truth, the hardships and tears that her parents went through as a young kim minjeong threatened to run away if she didn't get what she wanted. she refused to relive the berating of her younger brother as he tried to convince her that their parents would nearly go bankrupt if she kept asking for something beyond their reach, or how he decided to stay in yangsan to lessen the burden of taking care of funds (and how he dropped out to work a crappy job to help with the situation).

kim minjeong didn't care, because she always got what she deserved.

being in the capital of south korea was her right. being in one of the SKYS, being with the girl was her right.

kim minjeong would never settle for less.

y/n could hear the door rattling, the hinges shaking at every pound of yuri's fist.

her stomach churned, the thought of seeing her now ex-friend nearly making her sick. she had tagged along despite the gnawing in the back of her head, telling her that seeing minjeong was essentially a death sentence.

in her head, y/n assumed that everything would be fine. she assumed that it would hurt less than jimin, less than wonyoung.

she was wrong.

"unnie..." she clenched her eyes tightly, tugging on the back of yuri's sweater. "i changed my mind."

minjeong broke her, in a way.

it lingered like cheap, store-bought alcohol. it was a deep, unsettling feeling like her chest had been weighed down by something and she wasn't sure what. y/n didn't know what to think except why. why had minjeong - someone she loved so deeply - betrayed her like this?

kim minjeong was her best friend, her sister.

(and despite everything, she didn't want yuri to knock minjeong's tooth out.)

"minju-unnie, do something." y/n looked over to the older kim, face void of emotion. "jiwonnie?" she turned to the younger, finding her expression the exact same.

y/n couldn't help but sigh.

she had always wanted someone in her corner, especially growing up as an only child. y/n wanted someone who she loved unconditionally, and who loved her the same. sure, she had amazing parents, but she had always yearned for the connection that everyone seemed to have.

she could live without romantic love, like the winter could live without snow. but it was different when it came to friendship - to family.

everyone had someone they could call their family. wonyoung had hyunseo, her younger half-sister whom the older jang swore she would protect. yuri had minju (and jiwon by default) who, even though they weren't blood-related, had always spent her holidays with the kims. even jimin had aeri, the two more akin to sisters than friends up until recently.

y/n had minjeong. at least she thought she did.

the door creaked open, letting the warm air blow through the small crevice. minjeong popped her head out, glaring at yuri as her eyes adjusted to the corridor light.

y/n missed when minjeong's presence felt like family.

minjeong opened her mouth to speak, but as she glanced over at y/n, everything seemed to stop.

"y/n?"

jo yuri wasn't strong, not physically. but what minjeong lacked in bite, yuri compensated by tenfold.

she rammed the door wide open, using her entire body weight to send minjeong stumbling back, landing on her rear. yuri fell along with her, nearly landing beside her if it weren't for y/n suddenly holding her steady.

"that hurt like hell." yuri whined, ignoring minju rolling her eyes. the kim would have to scold her later.

"you could've just pushed the door open." jiwon scratched her cheek as the older girl rubbed her shoulder.

y/n looked at minjeong, watching as she looked between all of them. the older girl looked frightened, and it broke her heart to know that she was the cause of it.

"i didn't think about that."

she wondered if minjeong felt the same.

"y/n," the kim's eyes met hers. "she hurt me."

y/n could feel the pain bubbling in her chest. it hurt to see minjeong like this, and it hurt even more that she didn't want to help.

kim minjeong was a stranger.

"i'll do it again!" yuri tried to lunge forward, being held back by y/n as minjeong stood up.

the two were equally versed but y/n was afraid that yuri would end up biting a chunk out of minjeong given the circumstances.

y/n looked at her, hoping that her minjeong - the one she would talk to during her lowest points and the one who she ran to whenever anything happened - was still there.

she wasn't.

(or maybe, she never existed.)

"let's just go, unnie." y/n gripped yuri's shoulder lightly. the sinking in her chest was starting to get too overwhelming.

yuri didn't care, at least not right now. not when y/n seemed more torn up over minjeong than wonyoung (and it took minju convincing her for ten minutes straight to not jump the volleyball player).

minju stared at y/n, watching as tears started to form in her eyes. gently, she rested her hand on yuri's other shoulder, motioning to y/n. she could feel yuri relax.

hurting minjeong would hurt y/n more (for now. but if yuri ever got a chance...)

she turned to y/n, smiling softly. wordlessly, yuri nodded, and y/n finally felt the connection she had so desperately longed for.

y/n knew she would survive.

the girls turned to leave, and minjeong could see that her last chance was nearly out of her grasp. she couldn't let y/n go, not now, not ever.

minjeong whined like a toddler whose toy got taken away. "you're gonna leave me here?"

y/n stopped, looking down as guilt and anger began to wrack her body. jiwon looked at the older girl, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion.

"unnie?"

"i didn't want to do it!" minjeong tried to reason, grasping at anything that would make y/n stay. "you have to believe me!"

yuri inhaled, fighting all the thoughts and urges to rip a clump of hair out of minjeong's (unfortunately) unscathed scalp. she'd find another time to jump the girl, hopefully soon.

y/n turned around, her cheeks wet from the stream of tears cascading down her face. "it didn't look like that."

"y/n." minju faced the girl, shaking her head. "don't talk to her."

"shut up, minju." minjeong snarled. this was her chance. she just needed y/n to listen. "i did it out of love. i knew if you saw how jimin would just fuck any girl then-"

y/n scoffed.

"what is it?" losing someone never got easier, but losing family seemed to hurt the worst. "did she make you fuck her? or did you do it to 'show' me?"

minjeong looked down, void of guilt as she tried to find any excuse to justify her actions. she knew she was in the right, especially since she did everything for y/n, for love.

love conquers all, even logic.

"tell me the truth." y/n could feel her voice starting to break. she could feel herself getting weighed down by the confusion. she could feel herself getting ripped to shreds. "tell me why."

minjeong couldn't help but love the way y/n looked in the dark. she loved how her cheeks flushed, and the way her voice cracked as she begged for her.

she wanted - needed - y/n, every teardrop, and every whine.

"i knew it." y/n ignored jiwon's attempts to get her out of the room, letting her emotions take the better of her. "i trusted you, minjeong. i trusted you with my life. i would've never done this to you... ever."

y/n prayed it was a lie. this couldn't be her minjeong, her best friend who she trusted fully with her life. she prayed that it was some sick joke, like all of this was a prank and a television crew would come out, shoving a camera in her face.

but it was too real. the pain felt too real.

"i don't understand." y/n let a sob slip out, and minjeong couldn't help but note the pain that was caused by her, for her. "i thought you were my best frien-"

y/n loved her. she had to.

"i love you." minjeong stood up, walking closer to y/n. "i loved you since the day i met you, since the day i knew that you were mine."

y/n looked at minjeong.

she could smell the cup noodles that lay empty on minjeong's desk. she could hear the soft hum of her laptop, churning the heat out of its system. she could feel the warm air basking around her, like a soft blanket.

but all y/n could feel was shock.

"...what?"

minjeong needed y/n. she needed to be y/n's everything - her pain, her sorrows, her love, her lust. she needed the pretty girl that you find on screen to be hers and only hers.

y/n was her reward, her trophy for being an outstanding person and and even better lover.

it was written in stone.

"i know you love me back, y/n." minjeong had never been more hopeful in her life. she knew that everything at this moment was because of everything she did right. "this hurts you because you love me back, right? because you and i are meant to be. i'm yours and you're mine."

y/n could feel her ears ringing.

"what the fuck..." yuri covered her mouth, looking at the kims, whose eyes were wide open.

"i've always treated you right. i've always done everything right." she did all the research, all the tips and tricks. she did it all for y/n. "i never said no to you, i let you be happy, i let you do whatever you want. i did everything right, right?"

y/n couldn't breathe.

she felt disgusted, almost violated. she had trusted minjeong with her life, and the entire time, the older girl had ulterior motives.

(and deep down, y/n knew that she was the reason why she had ended up with jimin in the first place.)

minjeong kept her gaze locked on the younger girl. she could feel her heart beating out of her chest.

y/n wanted to see her, despite having her heart broken by her. she chose to be near minjeong. it meant something. it had to.

"i'm sorry."

minjeong furrowed her eyebrows.

"i don't love you, minjeong."

minjeong had never been denied anything. she had gotten into all the SKYS, gotten all the scholarships, and gotten all the love from her parents.

it wasn't supposed to be like this.

"what?"

"i've never seen you that way, minjeong." minjeong shook her head furiously, refusing to believe the words coming out of y/n's mouth. "you were always just my friend, maybe a sister at most."

this wasn't right. this wasn't how it was supposed to play out.

"but i did everything you wanted!" she had sacrificed her time, her money. "i even let you fuck whoever you want!"

"she was never yours, minjeong." minju glared at minjeong.

"shut the hell up!" minjeong gritted her teeth. minju had no right to take away what was hers. "you're acting like your girlfriend doesn't fuck bitches on the side."

yuri's eyes widened, trailing over to minju. to her left, jiwon was expressionless.

"what?" chaewon had always hidden her phone until recently. even at the party, it looked like the older girl was actively avoiding someone. "chaewon wouldn't."

she trusted chaewon. minjeong had to be lying.

"ask jimin." minju could feel the air being sucked out of her lungs. "she has videos of everything chaewon does for her."

minju hated crying.

she hated getting her makeup ruined. she hated the way streaks would carve away parts of her foundation, and how her eyes would sting as her mascara mixed with her tears. she hated how weak and vulnerable she felt, like her mask had been stripped away and she was back to being that ten year old holding her sister as they both sobbed at the thought of their family being ripped apart.

minju never cried.

she never cried at her graduation, or her eighteenth birthday. she didn't cry when her grandma died. she didn't even cry when chaewon and her broke up.

but she cried when she found out her parents divorced.

"unnie?"

jiwon hadn't seen her sister cry in years.

"you fucking bitch!" y/n quickly grabbed yuri's waist, pulling her back as she tried to jump at minjeong. making one of them cry was pushing it, but two was too much.

minju couldn't stop the tears anymore. no matter how hard she tried to hold it back, all she could think of was chaewon, of how much she loved her and how much it hurt.

minju wiped her tears quickly, but nothing helped as she stared at her younger sister.

"ji" she was supposed to be stronger for her. "i'm sorry."

jiwon was at her limit.

she could forgive minjeong for leaving her at the party. in fact, she already did. jiwon forgave her, despite the fear she had when yujin and gaeul had left her and an extremely drunk rei alone. she could forgive minjeong for how she never checked up on her after, and how she pretended that jiwon didn't exist outside of the group.

she couldn't forgive this.

"it's not my fault chaewon's a whore." minjeong loved the rush of seeing someone so hurt. "minju's always liked girls she could never ge-"

jiwon was always the stronger kim.

a loud thud echoed through the room, and jiwon could feel her knuckle make contact with minjeong's cheekbone. the force of all the pent up anger (which honestly felt good to release) sent minjeong stumbling back, craddling her cheek.

yuri looked at the younger kim in shock.

"i... i didn't mean to!" jiwon panicked, looking at minjeong's now bleeding face. "i got angry. she, she left me by myself at that party. she made y/n-unnie upset. she's always looked down on me and yuri-unnie. unnie, she made you cry. i swear it was just by accident, i just-"

minju smiled, patting her younger sister's shoulder.

"jiwon. i love you, yeah?" jiwon took a deep breath, smiling awkwardly. "just calm down, okay?"

"okay." she nodded, looking at her now bruised hand. "are you gonna tell mom?"

"no, ji." minju shook her head. "i won't."

jiwon couldn't help but sigh in relief. "okay."

"y/n," minjeong whined again. the pain in her cheek was starting to spread across her face, and the cut was starting to bleed. "she hit me. aren't you gonna help me?"

"you can do it yourself." y/n sighed, not wanting to stay any longer.

she didn't know why she felt more worried about jiwon's hand than the cut on minjeong's cheek. all y/n knew was that she was tired of everything.

she just needed a break.

"that's not fair." minjeong didn't understand why y/n couldn't see it. "it's what i deserve after i treated you right."

"i didn't need you to treat me right." y/n didn't know how else to explain it. "i needed you to treat me like a friend."

"but i love you." minjeong loved the way y/n needed her. "i don't wanna be just your friend. it's not fair."

the world had always been filled with only yes's for minjeong, sakura being a fluke.

she didn't understand why it happened again.

"i don't owe you anything, minjeong."

minjeong frowned. "but you owe wonyoung something?"

maybe jimin was right. maybe the only person standing in the way of her and y/n was wonyoung. it was the girl who had everything, despite being nothing.

minjeong hated jang wonyoung.

"wonyoung has nothing to do with this." y/n said truthfully.

"you love her, don't you?" minjeong always lost to the bad guys. "even after she treated you like shit."

"wonyoung never treated me like shit." y/n countered. the argued at times, like couples always do, but wonyoung had always treated her like royalty. "we disagreed at times but-"

"but i never disagreed with you!" minjeong could feel the cut on her cheek move as she scrunched her face. "i said everything you wanted to hear!"

y/n wanted a lot of things.

"but it was never what i needed."

"you don't know what you need." minjeong reasoned, her cheek now swelling against her hand. "i'm what you need."

"jiwon," yuri looked at the younger kim, fresh cuts on her knuckle. "punch her again."

minju rolled her eyes, shaking her head as jiwon looked at her for permission. "don't."

"let's just go." y/n sighed. the longer they stayed, the more likely jiwon and yuri were gonna get arrested. "jiwon's gonna need to ice her hand."

jiwon looked at her hand and shrugged.

"it's okay! i feel great!" the younger kim smiled, flexing her hand. "i feel like i can jump from the roof right now, like superman."

"i would pay money to see that."

minju sighed. she was happy that yena didn't come, otherwise she was sure to egg yuri on and jiwon would most likely jump off the second-floor balcony.

"oh." a slurred voice entered the room as the smell of weed wafted from behind the girls. "hi?"

they turned around, coming face to face with someone unfamiliar.

her hair was bleached blonde, her body draped in expensive clothing. all of them could tell from her eyes that she was going to have no recollection of their meeting.

y/n had never seen someone so high out of their mind.

"sorry," minju bowed slightly. "we were just leaving."

they looked at each other, walking out quietly before the girl grabbed y/n's arm gently.

"wait." she squinted, y/n taking note of how bloodshot the girl's eyes were. "you're the girlfriend."

y/n looked around. "me and jimin aren't together anymore."

"jimin?" the girl didn't know jimin had a girlfriend. "i was talking about vicky?"

y/n didn't know of a vicky on campus. of course, she didn't know the majority of the people but she assumed that she would've at least heard of her.

sensing her confusion, the girl continued to speak.

"victory?" she let go of y/n's arm as the taller girl looked at her friends who all shrugged. "like vicky jang?"

"wonyoung?" y/n tilted her head.

wonyoung had never been given a title before, and a sense of pride seemed to burst through her chest and into her veins. they had talked about it frequently during first year, and how wonyoung wished she had a title like yoo 'the ace' jimin or hirai 'the machine' momo.

it had a nice ring to it. wonyoung 'vicky (victory)' jang.

the girl tapped her cheek, a blush spreading across her face. "you're saying she's single?"

y/n's face darkened at the thought of girls liking wonyoung. her stomach churned as she realized that wonyoung probably liked said girls back.

she shook her head. now wasn't the time to get jealous over someone that wasn't hers.

"it was nice to finally meet you." y/n said stiffly, frowning as she pushed the girls out. she ignored yuri's teasing stares and tried her best to disregard minjeong pleading her to stay.

the room fell quiet as y/n closed the door behind her.

"unnie? were those your friends?" slowly, the girl turned to minjeong. she gasped, nearly choking as her eyes adjusted to the sight of her face.

"what the hell happened to you?"

minjeong rolled her eyes, searching for something to stop the bleeding.

"do you need ice or something?" the girl asked.

"can you fuck off, yizhuo?"

"whatever." minjeong was in one of her moods again (and not the fun ones).

she placed herself in bed as minjeong rummaged for vaseline. if minjeong was gonna act snarky, then yizhuo could find a different way to entertain herself.

she was glad jimin stayed up so late.

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[comradekarin]

I saw your Beyonce/Taylor Swift post and What's wrong with "comparing two queens that are killing it". line? Isn't that what it comes down to with female artists? Why can't we just appreciate all female artists instead of the competitions?

I’m going to take this as you asking this question in good faith so here’s the short answer: No. There is nothing inherently wrong with that statement, and depending on the context, I agree with it. But here’s the long answer:

A lot of fandoms do take it upon themselves to start unnecessary, unprovoked beef between artists, especially female artists of color (i.e the Cardi and Nicki drama), consequently ruining the love a lot of people have for those artists. However, the Taylor and Beyoncè comparisons have a few problems I want to address that aren’t actually new when talking about female artists of color and their white counterparts. Firstly, the whole comparisons only started because of the uptick of insufferable swifties online discrediting all of the work, effort, and impact Beyoncé has had on people before and today (and Beyoncé fans are simply responding to these ridiculous claims). Secondly, swifties also have a strange tendency to compare her exclusively to objectively better black artists (Beyoncé, Prince, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, and more) by diminishing their work and influence in order to prop her up. Noticeable so, they never really do this with Taylor’s fellow white peers. It begs the question: Why do so many swifties feel the need to put Taylor on a pedestal by discrediting arguably more popular, influential black and queer artists? While I do agree with the notion that female artists should be celebrated and giving the props they deserve, we can no longer pretend that black artists like Beyoncé don’t have to give twice the effort, twice the dedication, twice the energy, and twice the style in order to be given their credit. Meanwhile, an artist like Taylor is rewarded and worshiped for her white mediocrity and performance activism, never really pressured to perform to the degree other black artists are expected to, or forced to show allyship when it really matters. So for her fans to degrade Beyoncé’s high quality vocals, performance, and production—which has been consistent and improving over the years—and be rightfully told off just to resort to the corny “let’s just celebrate all women” is, in my eyes, the epitome of white feminism.

Taylor’s fans have even admitted that she isn’t the best singer, only marketing herself as a good “songwriter”. Ok, so an artist that can’t sing that well, can’t dance, has easily replicable lyrics we could get from other Indie artists, and has a very specific demographic as her fans is someone to be considered a legend? How is this considered the standard but influential black legends’ work are downplayed and diminished? Why does it hurt swifties to see black women be given their credit? Why does Taylor have to be included in every conversation (I.e the Lizzo situation at the Grammy’s where Taylor Swift fans took Lizzo’s appreciation for Beyoncé as hatred for Taylor or Beyoncé’s success on the renaissance tour being overshadowed by the eras tour). And when called out on this, why do her stans resort back to the fake “just support all women” take?

It’s why I can’t really stand by that one post up here that states we shouldn’t debate over female artists because at the end of the day, “they’re all female artists subjected to the harsh lens of the patriarchy.” That statement ignores the intersectionality present in the topic of female artists’ treatment in the industry. It ignores how the expectations of white female artists more than often than not tend to be different for woc artists. I see the “let’s just all get along” saying as a way to deflect from the valid criticism and complaints people of color have for white artists like Taylor Swift. And considering how Taylor’s online brand is playing victim and being the poor innocent white girl whenever she is called out on something, the behavior her stans exhibit are nothing out of the ordinary.

In summary, I don’t think comparisons between female artists are needed. Especially female artists in entirely different genres of music and style. But I do know a lot white Taylor Swift fans love to play the racism card and then hide behind misogyny to cover their tracks. Once again, something Taylor herself does WELL.

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2024: #34

34. CYPRUS Silia Kapsis - "Liar" 15th place

Decade Ranking: 128/153 [Above Benny, below Reiley]

15th place? Generous. Good floordrops only get you so far if that's the ONLY thing you've got.

Every year there's a few acts that I thought just plain sucked, and yet can't really muster feelings of dislike for. Like, what's the point of putting in the effort of emoting if I can simply choose to focus my attention on better, worthier songs? They're shit, but that's their problem, not mine.

And that awkward little spot where those acts go is also where dear young Sillia lands. "Liar" is bad, I think we all agree? Laurel Barker still hasn't shown her busted face since "Sober" (GOOD.) but her spirit lives on in mediocre, poorly written girlbops with no substance, and this season had multiples of those. "Liar" stood out the worst to me by virtue of, well, not really standing out at all, other than for its horrible libretto.

CUZ YOU'RE A LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR YEAH YEAH YEAH YOU LIE IE IE IE YEAH YEAH YEAH

that THIS is a chorus of a Eurovision FINALIST. 😳 Futhermore the lyrics also rhyme "oolala" with "truth la la" (okay this one is ACTUALLY funny) and present Silia as some sort of... intrusive busybody calling out pther people's adultery and philandering? I suppose it's a little LESS scuffed than have Isaiah Firebrace hone his gaslighting, uglycrying and concern trollery skills at the same age. But if you're going to tweak the narrative in function of her being a minor, and attempt to steer her away from sexualization, then perhaps don't style her in a top that accentuates her cleavage? And don't end with this:

(always a telltale sign of a losing battle when you have to splice THAT into a song/act that doesn't call for it just to get a Q.)

Unlike a Nutsa or a Sarah, you can't quite say that Silia was at the top of the performance game. She was a 17 year old with limited on-stage experience, and it showed. She had memorized her stupid lines and rehearsed her stupid TikTok dances and delivered both as flat and robotic as one does when they go through the motions. The Dance Break lmao what the FUCK was this epileptic seizure:

If you want a true Performative Piece emulating a neurotic disorder, got tho say Il Senso did it better.

"SHARP. BLADES. OF. TIME. CUTS. THE. SPACE. :twitches: " 😍

Silia was in the Reiley zone where nothing she did was particularly bad but also none of the things she did were objectively good, and it balances out in blandness. It was all just a little bit too much "Participation Trophy" material, which is the Cypriot special by now. Btw, did you know it is a Greek hand-me-down? ("Liar" starts at 0:59)

That's right, this was the song that lost to "WHAT THEY SAY" and then tried to fight its loss in court and lost the appeal. This song is so embarrasing it lost in an internal selection to Victor Vernikos.

Ofc behind all of this lay a huge shitstorm of a selection with Cyprus planning to do an NF on Greek soil based on a format ERT had planned and trashed sometime in the past. Greece found out and threatened to blank Cyprus completely if they appropriated their NF concept, which forced Cyprus to recruit another Australian and contact Kontopoulos who still had "Liar" in his folder, with the hopes that the badness would fly under the radar.

But don't worry Cyprus repaid Greece by ranking Eden ahead of Marina in the jury vote. 🙂 I wouldn't blame the Greeks if they invaded and annexed (or bribed the Turks to do it for them) 🙂

So yeah, Cyprus made the final. Unfortunate because it rewards an entry that deliberately plays lowest base on several levels. I suppose I would find Liar's advancement offensive in most cases, but like... it's semi 1. Half of the acts in that shitshow deserved to get the boot including Silia yes, and all five acts that were eliminated, so whatevs. Do we really care which shitty acts made it in, if at least three of them were advancing anyway, idfts. Finland was the only one I wanted to see dead (not literally. i think.) and that was never happening in a full televote from that second half.

Besides, the finale had a much bigger fish to fry, and Cyprus's generous-AF 15th place overall (reminder: this is the same placement Maraaya and Zalagasper got in WORSE finals) feels like such a trifle in comparison. So, I'm FINE with ranking her barely into yellow today. Pray that we're spared more degenerative nonsense from this clown country next year if there's a next yeah and and if Poseidon doesn't make the disrespectful island sink into the sea for its many crimes against Marina Satti.

THE RANKING

[callmearcturus]

im the patron saint of stoking petty fires so i'd love to hear your beef with TLOU and ND (which. idk what that is? my brain keeps trying to call it New Degas). feel free to rant

(hey this is a WHOLEASS RANT about how much i hate TLOU! if you even remotely like those games, maybe don't read this!)

my god. lottie. /drags hands over face. you need to understand that this is the beef of a person who has not played TLOU, will never play it, and haaaaaates it regardless. when TLOU2 won GOTY at the fucking game awards over more deserving titles with less fraught developers, i was incensed. i hate this games in the same was a child would hate broccoli. except instead of being good for you, broccoli is an emblem of everything wrong with the gaming industry, up there with Red Dead Redemption (which I fucking hate too).

Oh and ND is Naughty Dog, the developer of TLOU. Also there is some fucked up labor shit and sexual harassment shit at ND.

But what it comes down to is

I fucking hate prestige games as a genre. I hate what they have done to the industry. One of the markers of TLOU and ND's work is that they have codified what the Sony Studio Game has to be, and it's these incredibly cinematic, incredibly filmic, hyper-photorealistic dramas that want so fucking bad to be movies, I don't know how anyone talks shit about Kojima's movie boner while these fucking things are being made.

The cost that the rise of TLOU has wrought on the industry pisses me off to no end. Developers, especially the ones who work with Sony bc this is very much the House Brand of Playstation, fucking brag about "oh yeah we spent 6 months building the rig to animate this character's hair" and "we modeled these horses with such precision their balls get smaller in the cold" and "this lighting engine accounts for the dew point of the scene which we also coded an engine for"

all these things feel to me like feats of crunch, of throwing money at problems that don't exist, because it's a fucking blurb to tell IGN to hype your game, not anything the actual game benefits from or needs. making games is already such a fucking labor intensive artform and this shit feels like adding completely unnecessary complication in pursuit of a perfect simulacrum of reality.

i also hate the violence of them. i feel like ND thinks it's sooooo fucking ahead of everyone else. look at this, look at how BRUTAL it is, look at Ellie slit a human's throat in high definition, doesn't that make you feel something, GAMERS?

bitch, no. it doesn't. because that's one of the two verbs in these fucking games. you kill people or you watch a cutscene. and making players go "oh shit are we the baddies" has been an extremely common trope for years. Spec Ops The Line was 11 years ago, bruh, you need to learn a new trick than "making the player feel bad about violence, ooooooooo spooky". it's our ONLY. FUCKING. VERB.

they pour so much effort and money and time and labor into these games, these apex projects, and their verbs are the fucking same as the first goddamn Halo game. you kill things or you watch a cutscene. you just made the violence more visceral.

in the gaming industry, the people who really make shit that changes the landscape are people who try for something more worthwhile than "here, now you can play this gory movie." it's shit like new vegas asking me to make complex ethical decisions backed by hundreds of years of context and history. it's hades teaching players that failing is its own reward. it's toby fox using pixel art and a leitmotif to make me feel something. it's spiritfarer trying to teach people not to fear death and that kindness is important even at the end of everything.

i am philosophically opposed to the Sony Studio Model, to Naughty Dog, and to TLOU. I think they are holding the industry back. they're mediocre games because they're trying to be movies, and their mediocre movies because they're supposed to be games. I haaaaaaaate them.

[abbinurmel]

I wonder if in some more nuanced foreign language there exists a term that means: "Jealousy".

But not jealousy in the traditional sense.

Not the usual meaning, based around hostile anger and competitive hunger, a desire to take away material prizes or recognitions from others who seem less in your eyes, or whom you feel are undeserving/unqualified or unfairly celebrated far more than you deserve to be.

…I mean as in a total awareness that everyone else IS deserving of praise, WAY more deserving, because they are highly more dedicated, hard working and talented than you are, and you have a ponderous numb acceptance of that. You want them from the outset to be recognized, accomplished and happy, even more than you, you know they deserve any and all of the good that comes to them. An awareness that the universe both should and should only reward those who offer virtuous qualities, and the good people in your life all fully *deserve* to be rewarded for their best efforts. You'd never want to see them be stripped of their victories. ...You just wish you could put in the same effort TOO. Be rewarded as they are, alongside them, but you forever are bitter and tired, not because you feel the world unfairly gives you no credit, or any chances to receive credit, in fact it has given, and still gives many kinds of opportunities to you. You also know that the world technically owes you or anybody else nothing. That you will reap only what you sow, and what else does one ought to expect if you chose never to even plant crops.

But you feel Jealousy, or Jealousy 2.0, because, you know that you will never come round to even BEING CLOSE TO the sort of person who puts in the effort, like they do. You are not bad at heart, but you know you are mediocre and lazy, and there is entirely fuck-all you can do about it.

Or even worse, you know that you probably easily can achieve it, but you won't, you just refuse to, for whatever reason, do the protocols that it takes to get deserving of X thing, or recognized for Y.

And you know the levels and prizes you wish to rise to will probably never be yours; instead you will forever watch everyone else around who did pull off the homework assignments continuing to forever and ever get exactly what you desire, all day and every day. Sometimes they may even get to bear the things you want, but they reject or ignore or resent having them, to your maddening yet silent frustration. But still you know, these people do NOT deserve to have you be angry at them, or hostile to them. You know they deserve what they win or earned. You know you have nothing to gain by dwelling on the things you lack, or trying to in vain sabotage the happiness of others in any petty toxic manner.

You know they *earned* what they got, and you did *not* earn it, and there is nothing fundamentally wrong with that, because you know nobody wins all the time in life, and nobody should be rewarded for the work they didn't do or didn't properly execute as good as someone else did.

You just wish you could say that you tried, that you even just tried, at being the same of effort as them.

And you know that if you did, if you did put in the effort and talent and dedicated energy they did, they would equally as likely cheer you on to victory too. They would probably want you to win, want to see you have any chance at happiness or success you could have, regardless whether that was in first place, or twenty seventh place, they love you, genuinely love you, and truly would be just glad to see you doing anything well and being recognized in any way that makes you happy in life. You know they would have your back even when in competition with you, and they'll never resent your victories, be it with or without them losing in exchange. You genuinely want to always have their backs too. You always did from the getgo. You love and admire them. You *know* that they deserve a medal, or a cool partner, or a higher salary, or a house, or a career, whatever bar you set, whatever legacy of talented masters you wanted to be honored by and belong to, that they share in.

It's just that you always wanted a seat at the big boys table too.

And you didn't get there. And you probably never will get there.

And knowing that hurts. Fucking existentially ***hurts.*** That's the sort of Jealousy I am talking about.

What is that called?

[staticinmybrain]

I like drawing. I like giving gifts.

I've spent hundreds of hours making gift art. Over a hundred pieces. I get species currency for it. I'm rewarded somehow. But I still wish I could receive a gift, sometimes.

One hour, three hours, ten hours, sixteen hours, on and on.

I usually receive nothing more than thank-you's and compliments. And because of gratitude for those compliments, I feel moved to make gift art for those who thank me. And so I sink more hours for nothing more than words. And practice, I guess. These are gifts, not trades, but I still wish. Some say they'll draw my characters back. They still haven't. I try not to keep my hopes up. These are gifts, not trades. I think they're happy to receive gifts. I'd be happy, certainly.

I don't know why I want praise so much. Why I'd value a little thank-you or compliment to the degree I'd keep this cycle going. I don't know why I expect so much. Maybe it's my environment. Maybe it's the culture I'm used to, being in a collectivist country. Maybe it's because I believe in the golden rule. As if that's a binding thing on anyone, really.

I have horrible luck in chains. A drawing chain stopped after I did my piece, so I'm not getting anything out of that, anymore, other than the currency I get from the piece I made for the person above me. Before that, the piece I did get in the chain was the bare minimum requirement. It's hard to not be a little bitter.

I still like drawing. That's why I can sink so much time into it so easily. If nothing else, it's practice. Practice is good.

I still like giving gifts. I'd like to receive gifts, even if that likely won't happen.

It happened a few times though. A few mass drawings with my characters in it. Other art fight things. Someone practicing a simple comm. Someone trying to get through all the characters in the group at least once. So gifts, not really for me specifically though, just for the sake of drawing my characters, to tick off a number on the list, or an obligation for the team.

All my actual gifts are from one person. A cute pencil sketch. A ticket. Interaction doodles. They make me want to cry a little, because they're so unexpected.

Everyone wants free art. Post open request and people flock to it. Reply to a request, and receive nothing ever.

It makes me tired and frustrated. Then I feel bad for feeling that way.

Look on the bright side. More practice for me. More currency to make characters that only I will ever draw.

Maybe I should only do trades from now on, but that won't feel the same. It's not really about the art. It's about people caring about my things and characters. I'd like a gift. Something with effort and care to balance out this give/receive ratio.

That's too much to ask though. It would be rude. It would be naggy.

"Hey, could you care please? A little? I don't need a surprise party, like those cartoon episodes where everyone hides from the mc and the mc gets sad until it's revealed at the end. It would be nice, but I know that's unrealistic. Could you just, do more than say thank you? Something more substantial than words, after it's been months? A little sketch? A dumb meme? Please?"

"Hey, I don't think you guys care enough. I think you're all horrible, greedy people who want to milk me for free mediocre art! I think I deserve to be a valued member, be special, because I do stuff that no one asked me too! Because my words and intentions don't match and I want you to be able to read my mind! So show you actually care! Feed my ego! You can do that at least, you lazy freeloaders!"

I don't want to be misinterpreted. I don't want to sound anything like the latter. Think I will, if I say something. Maybe I'm overthinking.

I'm grateful to that one person. I'm very grateful. But some other people would be nice. Anyone would think so, I think. I hope.

It's my fault too. My instinctual response is to tell people, "It's fine! You don't have to give me anything back!"

I mean it. I really really mean it. Because these are gifts, not trades. Because I keep gambling with hope even if I try not to. Because if they give me something anyway, it means they care to surprise me back.

I'd see a piece despite me saying it's unneccessary as a gift. Maybe they just see it as pushing an unwanted thing onto me? I'm not insulting their styles when I say, "you don't have to." Do they think I am? Because context variances? Culture clashes? I don't know.

I know this will probably keep going on though. Because I love the species, and that friend, and my characters, and the people who show interest, or thank me. So I'll keep making gifts with a vain hope of receiving them, and be elated whenever I receive anything from that friend or in a mass attack, and I just have to work on the gambling problem, I guess.

[ailuronymy]

do you think every disabled character in wc is handled poorly? i understand theres def some cases of ableism but at the same time when i hear ppl say that its usually bc the disabled cat wasnt able to become a warrior due to their disability. and i feel like ppl forget, that not everyone irl CAN do what they want after they become disabled. ex. someone wants to be an athlete, but their legs have to be amputated. a cat like briarlight esp i feel is p realistic and could be a source of comfort

Hello there, thank you for writing in. I’m going to reply to this question with a series of questions I think are a bit more useful, given what you’re trying to ask me. I hope that’ll clarify what is a deeply complex, multilayered issue. 

Do I think Erin Hunter handles anything in the series “well”? Not really. I don’t have a high opinion of the work of the collective and, broadly speaking, I think every right note they play, metaphorically speaking, is an instance of chance rather than effort, skill, or intention. Stopped clocks are right twice a day, mediocre writers will sometimes do something cool by accident, similar principle. That’s not to say Erin Hunter hasn’t ever done anything on purpose--just that overall the underlying drive of the series isn’t so much quality as it is quantity, and speed of production, and it shows. 

Do I think Erin Hunter puts any significant research into how they portray disability? No. I do not think it is a priority for this series. They’re not trying to make a meaningful work of literature, or capture a realistic experience of disability, or tell especially impactful or thoughtful stories, or even make a particularly good or coherent fantasy world. Warriors is a specifically commercial product that was commissioned by HarperCollins to appeal to a particular demographic of drama-loving, cat-loving kids. It’s not really trying to do anything but sell books, because it’s a business, so the text in many ways reflects that. They’re not going for disability representation, in my opinion. They’re including disability in many cases as a plot-point or an obstacle. 

Do I think this means that people can’t connect to these characters and narratives in meaningful ways? No. Often I say that a work is completed only when it is read. Before that point, it doesn’t have a meaning: a reader finishes the work through the act of reading, and interpretation, and filling in the spaces and resonance of the story with their own values and experiences. When people talk about subjectivity, this is what they are talking about. What this means in the context of disabled characters in Warriors is that these characters and their stories can be multiple, conflicting, even mutually exclusive things at the same time, to different people, for different reasons. 

Do I think characters have to be “good” to be significant to someone? No. I think genuinely “bad” (i.e., not researched or poorly researched, cliche, thoughtlessly written, problematic, etc. etc.) characters can be deeply meaningful, and often are. Ditto above: for many people, and especially marginalised or stigmatised people, reading is almost always an act of translation, wherein the person is reading against the creative work of the dominant culture in a way that the author likely didn’t intend or didn’t even imagine. There’s a long documented history of this in queer culture, but it’s true for just about everyone who is rarely (or unfairly) represented in media. Disabled people often have to read deeply imperfect works of fiction featuring disability and reinterpret them in the process--whether to relate to a kind of disability they don’t experience themselves but which is the closest they’re offered to something familiar, or to turn positive and meaningful what is intended as narrative punishment, or simply to create what’s commonly called headcanon about “non-disabled” characters who echo their personal experiences. 

Do I think everyone has to agree? Extremely no. As I said before, people will actually always disagree, because all people have different needs and different experiences. What can be interpreted as empowering to one person might be very othering and painful for another. There is no “right” answer, because, again, that is how subjectivity works. This is especially true because marginalised communities are often many different kinds of people with different lives and needs brought together over a trait or traits they share due to the need for solidarity as protection and power--but only in a broad sense. It’s why there is often intracommunity fighting over representation: there isn’t enough, there’s only scraps, and so each person’s personal interpretation can feel threatening to people whose needs are different. You can see examples of this especially when it comes to arguments over character sexuality: a queer female character might be interpreted as bisexual by bisexual people who relate to her and want her to be, while being interpreted as lesbian by lesbians who also relate to her and want her to be like them. Who is correct? Often these different interpretations based on different needs are presented as if one interpretation is theft from the other, when in fact the situation is indicative of the huge dearth of options for queer people. It becomes increasingly more intense when it comes to “canon” representations, because of the long history of having to read against the grain I mentioned above: there’s novelty and, for some people, validation in “canon” certainty. And again, all of this is also true for disabled people and other stigmatised groups. 

Do I think this is a problem? Not exactly. It is what it is. It is the expected effect of the circumstances. Enforced scarcity creates both the need for community organising and solidarity and the oppressive pressure to prioritise one’s self first and leave everyone else in the dust (or else it might happen to you). The system will always pit suppressed people against each other constantly, because it actively benefits from intracommunity fighting. Who needs enemies when you have friends like these, and so on. A solution is absolutely for everyone in community to hold space for these different needs and values, and to uplift and support despite these differences, but it’s not anyone’s fault for feeling threatened or upset when you don’t have much and feel like the thing that you do have is being taken away. It’s a normal, if not really helpful, human response. But until people learn and internalised that the media is multifaceted and able to be many things at once, without any of those things being untrue or impacting your truth of the text, then there will be fighting. 

Do I think my opinion on disability on Warriors is all that important? No, not really. I can relate to some characters in some moment through that translation, but my opinion on, say, Jayfeather is nowhere near as worthy of consideration than that of someone who is blind. I don’t have that experience and it’s not something I can bring meaningful thinking about, really. That’s true for all these characters. If you want to learn about disability, prioritise reading work about disabled rights and activism that is done by disabled people, and literary criticism from disabled people. And as I mentioned above, remember that community isn’t a monolith: it’s a survival tactic, that brings together many different people with disparate experiences of the world. So research widely. 

Finally--do I think there’s only one kind of disabled narrative worth telling? No. For some people, a disabled character achieving a specific, ability-focused dream is a good story. For other people, a story that acknowledges and deals with the realities, and limitations, of disability is a good story. The same person might want both of those stories at different times, depending on their mood. That’s okay. Sometimes there’s power and delight in a fantasy of overcoming seemingly impossible obstacles and defying all expectations. Sometimes there’s value and catharsis in a narrative that delves into the challenges and grief and oppression experienced because of disability. There’s no one truth. 

To round all this off, I’m going to give my favourite example of this, which is Cinderella. I think it’s a great and useful tool, since for many it’s familiar and it’s very simple. Not much happens. In the story, she is bullied and tormented, until a fairy godmother gifts her over several nights with the opportunity to go to a royal ball, where she dances with a prince. The prince eventually is able to find Cinderella, due to a shoe left behind, and they are married. In some versions, the family that mistreated her are killed. In others, they’re forgiven. 

Some people hate the story of Cinderella, because she is seen as passive. She tolerates the bullying and never fights back. She does every chore she’s told. She is given an opportunity by a fairy godmother, and she doesn’t help herself go to the ball. She runs from the prince and he does the work to find her again. Eventually, she’s married and the prince, presumably, keeps her in happiness and comfort for the rest of her life. 

For some, this story is infuriating, because Cinderella doesn’t “save herself”: she is largely saved by external forces. She is seen as a quintessential damsel-in-distress, and especially for people who have been bullied, infantalised, or made to feel less capable or weak, that can be a real point of personal pain and discomfort. 

However, for some others, Cinderella is a figure of strength, because she is able to endure such hostile environments and terrible people and never gives up her gentle nature or her hope. She never becomes cruel, or bitter. She is brave in daring to go outside her tiny, trapped world, and she is brave to let the prince find her. She doesn’t have to fight or struggle to earn her reward of happiness and prove her worth, because she was always deserving of love and kindness. The prince recognises at once, narratively speaking, her goodness and virtue, and stops at nothing to deliver her a better life. 

Depending on the version, the wicked family disfigure themselves for their own greed--or are punished, which for some is a revenge fantasy; or Cinderella forgives them and once again shows her tenacious kindness, which for others is a different revenge fantasy. 

The point? Cinderella is the same character in the same story, but these are almost unrecognisable readings when you put them side-by-side. Which one is right? Which one is better? In my opinion, those are the wrong questions. I hope this (long, sorry) reply is a set of more useful ones. 

[fansofvow]

Interview with Eve Golden Woods!

Many of you know who is Eve is. She's a writer and artist, a part of Dreamfeel studios whose beautiful game If Found won Best LGBTQ Narrative and Best LGBTQ Indie game at the first ever Gayming Awards presented by EA games. I am really excited I had the chance to ask Eve some questions about herself, her time at Lovestruck and her creative process.

Congratulations on the two Gayming Awards (Best LGBTQ Narrative, Best LGBTQ Indie Game) for "If Found" from your game studio, Dreamfeel. What was the inspiration behind making the game?

If Found... was a game that emerged out of a collaboration between Llaura McGee, the founder of Dreamfeel, and artist Liadh Young. Liadh's background is as a comic artist, and so when they started working together Llaura had the idea of showing off Liadh's art by making a diary game, and using an erasing mechanic she had previously developed to let the player move through the diary in a fun way. By the time I came on board at the start of 2019, the game had already been in development for a while, so in some ways my work on that game was similar to the work I did for Voltage, because it was taking existing characters and concepts and writing a lot of scripts for them. Unlike Voltage, though, my work for Dreamfeel was a lot more collaborative and I had a lot more creative input. I really enjoy taking something and helping to make it the best version of itself that it can possibly be, but I was also really happy that I got to reflect a lot of my own experiences in If Found. Llaura and I both grew up on the west coast of Ireland, and although If Found... isn't autobiographical for either of us, it was definitely really meaningful to be able to tell a story that reflected our own experiences of growing up as queer teens in a similar kind of environment. Since the game came out we've had fans reach out to us and tell us that they also connected to the experiences of the main characters, and as far as I'm concerned, that makes me feel like I achieved everything I wanted to.

You are a writer and a visual artist. Does one come easier to you than the other?

I used to think of art and writing as talents, and I always felt like my art was at a very mediocre level (that's probably still true, lol). So when I was younger I focused a lot more on writing. It was only later that I started genuinely trying to improve as an artist, but when I did, I think I had a much healthier mindset, and approached it as a skill I could learn with patience and effort. Because of that, even though I still have a lot more confidence in my writing, I find art more fun and relaxing, and I don't stress about it as much.

Did you always know you would follow a creative path?

Kind of? Both my parents are artists, and I grew up surrounded by artists and writers, so it was something that was always very familiar and accessible to me. On the other hand, I didn't exactly have a clear idea of how to make it into a career, or what kind of work would be involved. But there's never been a point in my life where I wasn't doing something creative, even if it was only writing fanfiction.

What did your path to working professionally as a writer/artist look like?

I did a creative writing masters in college, but after that I spent years teaching English as a second language. That was really fun and I got to live abroad, but it was so busy and tiring that I didn't have time to do any writing outside of the occasional fanfic. I only started to take art seriously again when I became interested in games and comics as ways of telling stories. I did some critical writing, which led me to speak at a few local events and get involved in zine fairs. That was how I met Llaura, the director and lead of the Dreamfeel studio, and it's also what gave me the confidence to start applying for actual writing jobs.

Is there any work of art, visual or written, that you look to for inspiration?

So many! I try to read and watch as widely as I can, although there are touchstones I always return to, like the works of Ursula Le Guin and Terry Pratchett. Right now I feel very passionate about the actual play podcast Friends at the Table, which manages to combine really thoughtful worldbuilding and storytelling with cool, fun characters and great action scenes. I'm also reading a book called The Memory Police by Youko Ogawa, which has extremely beautiful prose.

Do you have a favorite piece of your own art, whether it is something you’ve drawn, a screenshot of something you’ve written or something else?

My favourite piece of art is usually whatever I finished most recently (I think that's true for a lot of people). Especially with visual art, once a bit of time has gone by you look back on it and start to notice all your mistakes, which is very annoying. But actually I do still really like the first piece of Fiona fanart I did last year. I managed to use some effects to give it a kind of nineties anime quality that I find really fun, and I think it conveys an emotion pretty effectively. That's always one of the hardest things to predict with visual art, whether the different parts will come together to create the exact mood you're looking for.

I also really like the compass I did for Bycatch. Krissy (@xekstrin) was the one who suggested filling it with fingernails, which was such a good, gross idea! As soon as I heard that I knew it was perfect and that I had to try and draw it.

Many people who read this blog know you as a writer for Lovestruck. When you look back on your time there, what stands out in your mind?

Lovestruck was very important to me when I first started because it was my first ongoing, regular, paid writing work. It gave me a lot of confidence and helped me to get into the habit of writing consistently and rapidly, which is a really useful skill to have. I know I was right to leave when I did, though, because I am just brimming with energy to work on my own projects, and channeling that power into something that you can't control will always end up disappointing you. Also, I made a ton of incredible friends, through Lovestruck itself but then even more so through VOW (@vowtogether), and that is more than worth all the difficult parts.

Is there any character that you would have liked a crack at writing?

Oh gosh, what a fun question! There are so many, but one I do sometimes think about is Axia, just because I know there are a bunch of fans who want her route, and because I had fun writing her as a villain in Zain's route. I can see in my head the shadow of a storyline that takes place after Zain's route is over, where she's in prison and trying to understand how she lost the battle with Zain and MC. I think there's, like, a gap there, where you could see her downfall forcing her to reconsider her assumptions about power, and that could build into a very interesting redemption story. But maybe it's for the best I never got to do that, because I would have wanted full creative control over it, and also I think the story in my head is very different to the sexy, in control, menacing version of Axia that her fans enjoy.

Do you have any upcoming projects you can talk about?

Most of my current work is under NDA, but I will say that I'm doing something very exciting with other VOW members that we should be able to talk about soon(ish). Maybe I can even give a little teaser... It's not a game, but it is something you can read, and my part involves cakes, swamps, and a museum.

Do you have a favorite quote or song lyric?

It's a big long, but there's a section from The Dispossessed by Ursula le Guin that has stayed with me ever since I read it:

"For we each of us deserve everything, every luxury that was ever piled in the tombs of the dead kings, and we each of us deserve nothing, not a mouthful of bread in hunger. Have we not eaten while another starved? Will you punish us for that? Will you reward us for the virtue of starving while others ate? No man earns punishment, no man earns reward. Free your mind of the idea of deserving, the idea of earning, and you will begin to be able to think."

It's such a profoundly radical way of imagining the world, so different to everything I was raised with, but whenever I think about it I feel like I can see something very beautiful and powerful that I hope to come closer to understanding some day.

And of course, "Solidarity forever, the union makes us strong."

I was a big fan of the show Inside the Actor’s Studio. Host James Lipton asked every single guest the same 10 concluding questions. I’ve picked 3 of them:

-What is your favorite word?

My favourite word: for sound, I like words you can really roll around on your tongue. Chthonic, alabaster, insinuation. For meaning, I think simple words that encapsulate big concepts have a kind of power to them. We use them so often we forget how big they are, how much weight they really have, but they give us the space to imagine new possibilities. Love. Freedom. Revolution.

-What is your least favorite word?

I've heard that "moist" is a lot of people's least favourite word but it doesn't actually bother me. My least favourite word is probably one where I feel like the sound doesn't match the meaning. One of the Irish words for rain is báisteach, which I feel has a much weightier and more onomatopoeic sound than rain. Rain is just very flat and uninteresting.

-What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Oh, so many! I love history, and I think being a historian/archaeologist would be fascinating. Or something that had a physical component to it, like being a potter or a carpenter. I don't think I'd be any good, but I'd love to take the time to learn.

What would be your advice to anyone who wants to pursue a creative career?

All the work you do matters. Even the failed experiments, the things you hate when they're finished. It all helps to make you better. Also, creative career paths are often really unexpected, so chase any opportunity that seems remotely interesting. Don't work for free for anyone who can afford to pay, but work for yourself and put it somewhere. On a blog, twitter, whatever. You'd be amazed how many people get noticed and get offered opportunities because of something they made in their spare time. You'll probably have to work another job for a long time, so don't be hard on yourself if you're too tired to devote much energy to creative work. Try to make art consistently, but don't feel like that has to mean every day. Don't chase after celebrities. Make friends with your peers.

[johannas-motivational-insults]

Catra’s refusal to admit mistakes

Something that seems to baffle much of the SPOP fandom is why Catra can’t just admit her mistakes and try to do better instead of continuing to dig herself a deeper and deeper hole. To be fair, the situation is very baffling. It’s complex. There are a ton of psychological issues in play, and when they interact things can get very messy. I’m going to do my best to explain Catra’s thought processes and hang ups and hopefully not write a fucking novel in the process. (But if you do want a novel that analyzes these concepts in a lot of depth, go check out my fanfic Demons. Shameless self-promotion, whaaaaat?)

I have already gone into how Catra’s external locus of control comes into play, so I’m not going to break it down in as much detail here. To sum it up, though, Catra has an internalized belief that she can’t really control anything and isn’t responsible for her behavior since it’s not her fault she was put in a shitty situation in the first place. She doesn’t believe she had any choice but to be the villain. This is deeply rooted in her fearful and abusive upbringing where she had little to no control over what happened to her. A large part of that is how consequences didn’t match behavior, i.e. she wasn’t rewarded for being good and her punishments were overly harsh as well as inconsistent, affected by external factors.

There’s also the sunk cost fallacy to consider. That’s the idea that you have to get something out of your investments (of time, money, effort, etc.), even if the costs keep piling up. (In terms of money, think of people who gamble larger and larger sums of money out of determination to win back their initial bet.) For Catra, this fallacy has convinced her that if she changes course and gives up on her goals, then everything she suffered in the Horde and all the effort she put into moving up in the ranks would be for nothing. She thinks getting to the top and proving her worth/winning respect would be the ulitmate triumph. Of course, we see her struggle with disillusionment over this in season 4, which helps set the table for what we hope will be a redemption arc.

These are only two examples of the ways Catra’s abusive upbringing affected her ability to admit her mistakes. The effects of abuse (especially in one’s childhood) are pervasive, affecting your thought processes and perception of the world in a million little ways that are hard to undo. I’m going to dig deeper now into some of the other reasons Catra struggles with this. They include an authoritarian environment, scapegoating, toxic leadership, poor behavioral modelling, an exaggerated fear of punishment, and the resentment of injustice.

(Please note: in this meta I’m not trying to make excuses for Catra and say she should not have to accept responsibility for her mistakes because she was abused. My aim here is to explain why it’s so difficult for her to shoulder blame in hopes that people will better understand her.)

Also under the cut, I’m going to finish this meta by examining how Angella and Glimmer are foils to Shadow Weaver and Catra, how Glimmer had a better example set for her and has now set an example for Catra.

Authoritarianism, injustice, and fear

It’s important to understand that Catra was raised to believe that apologizing or changing course makes someone a weak person or, worse, a bad leader. As Adora says, displays of weakness are strongly discouraged in the Horde. And in an authoritarian, militarized environment like the Horde, admitting mistakes is seen as a sign of weakness. You will very rarely, if ever, see authority figures admit they were wrong, let alone try to make amends for it. And since rank/pecking order is so important in these environments, that behavior filters down because no one wants to be at the bottom.

Fact is, no one who was raised in the Horde is good at admitting they were wrong (except maybe Scorpia, but she’s Scorpia). Even Adora is bad at this. She takes on responsibility for everything and blames herself when things go wrong, but that self-flaggellating catastrophizing is not the same as critically evaluating one’s actions and their effects on other people. That in particular is something she struggles with.

This may be a problem in the Horde at large, but it’s even harder for Catra to admit her mistakes because she has been blamed for a lot of things unjustly, as well as bullied by her peers and abused by her superiors. Accepting blame for anything feels unfair because she has already suffered the consequences of many things she did not do. In her mind, hasn’t the world punished her enough already without humiliating her over the mistakes she has made? Her defensiveness makes sense, in this regard.

Not only do abuse survivors tend to be defensive and angry at the world for the unfair lot it gave us, we have a very hard time being vulnerable with anyone. Because what if they hurt us too? Admitting mistakes and accepting their consequences puts you in a very vulnerable position, and when you are used to being punished unnecessarily harshly and/or undeservingly, submitting yourself to someone else’s judgment is terrifying. These experiences (especially when they occur at a young age) wire people a certain way, make you constantly afraid even when there is no need.

Toxic leadership and poor behavioral modelling

Returning to the environment factor, where do you think Catra learned this behavior of shirking responsibility for her actions? Fact is, Catra never had anyone model to her how to say, “I was wrong, I’m sorry, and I will try to fix it.” Militarized environment or not, Shadow Weaver and Hordak aren’t the type of people who are willing to admit their own mistakes and failures. They come up with excuses or pass the blame off to other people, usually Catra. Whenever something goes wrong, Hordak blames it on Catra and all her “failings.” Whenever Adora disappointed, Shadow Weaver assumed it was because Catra was holding her back. Catra is their scapegoat. They do not apologize to her, acknowledge any harm they’ve done to her, or make any attempt to fix it.

This is especially true of Shadow Weaver, who raised Catra and was the main adult in her life throughout her childhood. Even when confronted with the damage she has done to Catra, she refuses to accept responsibility or acknowledge any wrongdoing. We have seen this in literally every season in which they interact. Catra is rightfully salty about her unjust treatment but Shadow Weaver brushes off her anger, making excuses or sidestepping the accusations.

In 1x10, Catra throws Shadow Weaver a bit of shade while comforting her after Hordak gives her a scathing lecture. Shadow Weaver immediately deflects with an insult before acknowledging her own behavior but not its detrimental effects or her responsibility for it.

Catra: Don’t worry about that thing with Hordak. I've got loads of experience being yelled at. Mostly by you, actually. You get used to it.

SW: I will not get used to mediocrity like you, and I certainly don’t need your pity! ...I was hard on you, I won't deny it, and I won't apologize. I just wanted to prepare you for the world. I wanted you to be strong.

In 2x06, Catra flat out confronts her about it, and she offers a justification for her behavior, still refusing to show any remorse. When Catra persists, she sidesteps it by responding to another part of her outburst.

Catra: Why did you treat me the way you did? Why was I never good enough for you? Really, I wanna know.

SW: Because you remind me of myself. You always have. Nothing was ever easy for me, either. I wasn’t born to power like Adora and... others. I had to earn my power, fight for it. Why should it be any different for you?

Catra: I was a child when you took me in! What could I have possibly done to deserve the way you treated me? I am nothing like you! You are old, and bitter, and weak!

SW: Ah, but you are like me. And just like me, you’re losing your position with Hordak, I can see that even from my cell.

In 3x04, Catra has all but lost hope, throwing shade and heavy accusations at Shadow Weaver. But she does make one last desperate plea for acknowledgment of the harm done to her, right before she’s hit by the crushing realization that she has once again been pushed aside for Adora. Here, Shadow Weaver doesn’t even react to the emotional content of Catra’s statement.

SW: Catra, there’s no need for us to be enemies. I can help you. I can offer you a way out.

Catra: So, what? You’re on the side of good now? You made me this way, and you get to be the good guy? Do you know what happened to me after you escaped? Do you even care? You couldn’t wait to get away from here, from me! ...But you came back for Adora.

SW: I came back to stop Hordak. I will make sure he’s destroyed. Don’t make me destroy you too.

Saying she came back to stop Hordak is sort of an excuse, but Shadow Weaver doesn’t say it like she’s trying to appeal to Catra, unlike the two earlier conversations. Once Catra rejects her offer (which we know is disengenuous, to boot) she doesn’t even bother pretending to care. Catra’s resisting her manipulation and is no longer someone she can use, so why bother?

Notably, this is right before Catra learns about the dangers of the portal (i.e. that she made a mistake when she resolved to open it) and tasers Entrapta for trying to stop her, then immediately doubles down on that mistake by sending her to Beast Island. She got one more example of refusing to acknowledge her mistakes or accept accountability right before she does it herself. The statement “Adora was right” definitely gets to her too, but she was already in an unhinged state after being tortured by Shadow Weaver, once again with no apologies. Just something to consider.

So, Catra came from this environment where she got blamed unfairly all the time yet never got any sign of remorse from the people who hurt her. As I alluded to above, in this kind of situation it’s really easy to slip into the mindset of “why should I apologize when no one ever apologized to me?” (Especially if you’ve been through a lot of forced apologies, which are always humiliating, but particularly so when you are being unfairly blamed.) This is not an easy cycle to break. When you have this constant sense of injustice weighing on you, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking the world owes you something as payback and therefore you shouldn’t have to try to better yourself or move past it.

This also ties into Catra’s obsession with getting a win when she is someone who seems fated to always lose, no matter what she does. It’s not just about getting back at Adora, it’s about settling her score with an unjust universe that has always given her the short end of the stick. It’s pride and indignation and pain all mixed up in one toxic soup that pollutes the minds of the abused, and it is not easy to get over. Watching Catra hopefully start to do that in the final 13 episodes is going to be incredibly cathartic.

Glimmer and Angella as foils and examples

Full disclosure, I am writing this meta partly in response to people shitting on Catra and acting like Glimmer is so much better than her after I made a gifset contrasting their reactions to realizing their mistakes. So, I want to finish by comparing all of these observations about Catra’s upbringing with Glimmer’s upbringing. Angella is by no means a perfect parent, but she loves her daughter and tries to do what’s best for her. Most relevant to this discussion, she’s willing to admit her mistakes or change her mind when presented with new information.

For instance, Angella flips at Glimmer over the invasion by the Horde soldier in 1x03, but once she learns said soldier is She-Ra she listens and puts faith in Glimmer’s judgment, despite her misgivings. In 1x10 (in a great parallel scene to the Catra/SW one mentioned above), Angella surprises Glimmer by caring more about her well-being than her mistakes, and she admits some of her own: she ordered the battle that got Micah ‘killed’, and she gave up on the first alliance. She literally says, “I am the one who failed.” And in 3x06, she sacrifices herself in an attempt to make up for all the times she failed to act and protect people she loves.

Angella has enough humility to admit her own flaws and consider other viewpoints, and she’s not afraid to change her mind or say she’s sorry. That set a much better example for Glimmer growing up than Shadow Weaver did for Catra and Adora. And now, Glimmer has set an example for Catra. When Catra is at her lowest in 4x13, drowning in her mistakes and self-hatred and wanting to die, Glimmer shows her that she too can change course and try to correct her mistakes.

Like, did you all see the look on Catra’s face when Glimmer says she can’t use the weapon and needs to try and stop it? When Glimmer gets up Catra follows her, because this is such a compelling sight to her, something she’s never seen before. It was almost like she was thinking, “Wait, you can do that? You don’t have to double down on your mistakes?”

This is something Catra has to see, not only for its novelty but because it could give her guidance, and hope. If Glimmer can change course and atone, maybe she can too.

[zordonmlw7]

I just wanted to share a moment where I felt more seen than I almost ever have.

I was at an appointment talking to my psychiatrist telling him about how I had been dealing with my symptoms but especially the things that I had planned to do to improve my health but had not actually gotten done.

Now I've been in therapy for years so I know to phrase my shortcomings "professionally" and optimistically because even though they're not going to scold me, they're going to think I need comforting and considering how short our sessions are I don't have that time to spare.

But then my psychiatrist surprised me by praising my ability to constantly push forward to try and improve. In the moment I don't even know why I was so touched because it didn't sound like some kind of unheard of praise.

But as I thought back to my life I realized. I've been praised plenty for the results I've produced. Good grades, acceptance letters, academic awards. And I've also been scolded plenty for my inability to produce results (aka my entire high school career).

But I can't recall another time in my life where I've been praised simply for the process. Where someone has seen my efforts without me needing to present some kind of "proof" of my work. So rare has it been to get recognition not for the results but for the effort.

Now I know things like participation awards and the likes get criticism for "rewarding mediocrity" or whatever. But I think the real issue with them is how hollow the gesture is. "Here's a chunk of metal so everyone gets one to take home" is not a genuine show of appreciation for someone doing their best even if they don't succeed. But that doesn't mean people don't deserve to be acknowledgement for all their hard work.

So as much as I'd like to end this post acknowledging everyone who read this far for their efforts, I feel doing so would be as hollow as a participation ribbon. But what I can say is that your hard work is hard work, regardless of if it got the results you were looking for or not. You deserve to be acknowledged for it. And since I can't do it, as I have no knowledge of what you did, I hope you do it for yourself. Because regardless of who you are, you deserve it. That much I can say with confidence.

[tessatechaitea]

Cerebus #14 (1980)

This is what happens to Cerebus because he still hasn't taken my advice to stab everybody he meets before they become a huge annoyance.

I'm not suggesting everybody stab everybody they meet so that they'll never have to deal with any non-stabbing drama because then everybody I meet would be trying to stab me. That sounds like a bad social contract. A good social contract is to not talk to anybody at all in public unless they work in the service industry and also maybe don't make such aggressive eye contact with people on the street? I'm just trying to get from Point A to Point B with as little human contact as possible. I wouldn't mind interacting with people except for one huge problem: most people are way more terrible than they realize. And the more enthusiastic and social a person is, the more likely that they're the real life version of Red Sophia or Elrod. On a similar note, I really love this thing where we're all wearing masks. Now if we can just develop a virus that spreads through eye contact so we're all forced to constantly wear dark glasses, I'll be pretty fucking happy about the state of the world. I mean I'd be happy with the state of the world in regards to what I have to deal with when I go outside (which is people trying to talk to me and looking into my eyes). I don't mean I'd be overall happy with the state of the world which is fucking terrible because a bunch of assholes think teenagers telling them they can't say retard on the Internet is worse than Donald Trump and the GOP's self-serving style of governing where they think taxes shouldn't be used to make the country better but should just go back into the pockets of corporations and Wall Street pricks and other politicians and the already extremely wealthy. Also, a lot of centrist Democrats think the same way. They're only more acceptable because they mostly aren't racist, sexist homophobes. Now that all the snowflakes have stopped reading and went to hug their guns in consolation of my mean Internet words, I can get to the review. In "A Note from the Publisher," Deni claims this is the funniest issue of Cerebus to date. Since it's Cerebus' first visit to Palnu, I'm not even questioning her claim. It's almost certainly true. Dave Sim's Swords of Cerebus essay is a textual stroking of Prince Valiant creator Hal Foster's dick. Sim's mostly talking about Foster's art style but he obviously decided to mimic some of Foster's story telling style as well. See, Prince Valiant was a continuous story that ran (or has run? Is it still going by his son or grandson or something?) for decades, a story which chronicled the life of Prince Valiant and, eventually, his children. Cerebus is a comic book that didn't run for as long but whose continuing story was easier to follow and had a drunk aardvark as the main character. So there are some similarities there, right? This was also the first issue of Cerebus after going to a monthly schedule. Dave Sim would now have to do 300 issues instead of the 150-something he had been planning. Ha ha! Sucker.

This would have been a most opportune time for Cerebus to start his stabbing people upon meeting them practice.

I knew at some point I was going to have to admit this so I might as well begin with it: I don't think I've ever sat through an entire Marx Brothers movie. It's possible I have but I just don't really remember because it happened so long ago. But I need to also reveal this: I loved Groucho Marx as a kid. I've revealed before that I had a grandfather fetish as a child. I loved hanging out with old men and I loved watching old men on television. Going in Style was one of my favorite movies and I simply adored Art Carney. I also loved The Shining because it was about a young kid who got to hang out with one of my other favorite older guys, Scatman Crothers. Groucho Marx in You Bet Your Life fit into the old guy category. I don't think he was as old as the oldest men I loved but, as a young kid, he certainly seemed ancient. I think the duck that dropped down when somebody said the secret word helped a lot. But I would watch reruns of You Bet Your Life whenever I found them on television because it was like hanging out with an old man, my favorite pastime from around four to ten or so. As for Groucho's movies? I've definitely watched parts of some of them as I stumbled on them on television and realized he was in it. But I've never made the effort to start one from the beginning and watch it all the way through. I should probably rectify that. Cerebus has wound up in Palnu thanks to a short diversion in a comic strip that appeared in The Comic Buyers Guide. He wound up marooned on an island with Lord Julius' son, Lord Silverspoon. Upon being rescued, Lord Julius decided to reward Cerebus for saving his son. I don't have the issue of Swords of Cerebus with that story so I can't comment on how annoying Lord Silverspoon almost certainly was. Cerebus' reward is to be put in charge of Lord Julius' security forces and granted the title of "Kitchen Staff Supervisor." It doesn't make any sense because Lord Julius invented bureaucracy. He realized the only thing that can really keep a leader safe is to make sure that nobody else knows what the fuck is going on.

Oh, see? I suppose I could have just read a few more panels and realized Lord Julius explains it himself.

As Kitchen Staff Supervisor, Cerebus' job is to keep assassins from assassinating Lord Julius. Aside from that, he was pretty much free to do whatever he wanted. Unless he only thought he was free to do whatever he wanted and whatever he wanted was whatever Lord Julius was manipulating him into wanting. Lord Julius is a master of getting people to accidentally do the thing they didn't think they would ever do that Lord Julius also didn't want them to do but actually secretly did want them to do. Basically anybody who has recently spoken with Lord Julius is actively doing Lord Julius' bidding, whether they know it or not. For some reason, Cerebus decides to take on the role of Kitchen Staff Supervisor even though it's the most boring thing he's ever done in his life. At least it's entertaining for the reader because nearly every line out of Lord Julius' mouth is a solid gag. And since I haven't really seen any of Groucho's movies, I can't say how many of the gags were stolen outright! I have to assume it's all new material and only Groucho Marx parody. Some people, in an attempt to never be fooled by anybody, never believe anything at all. I am not one of those people. I believe everything I hear until somebody slaps me and yells, "How can you believe that obviously falsified tripe, you fucking moron?!" Assassins try to poison Lord Julius and Cerebus tracks them down to an underground group trying to free the city from the clutches of Lord Julius. When the assassin, Cerebus, and Lord Julius wind up in the same place, Cerebus outs himself as a spineless centrist.

The Centrist loves to believe that not taking sides is the only logical conclusion to any matter that doesn't seem to immediately affect their lives.

Some people are probably wondering how that previous caption is a negative criticism. "Um, yeah. Seems about right. If it doesn't affect me, why should I offer up an opinion!" And yet when a situation exists where one side is full of abusive and manipulative people controlling the reins of power and the economic purse strings of the country and the other side is being bullied, cheated, and abused by that side, not taking a side is siding with the powerful and the abusive. Even if your life hasn't been affected. Of course, Cerebus doesn't need to take a side here. I mean, he does take a side: he sides with the people who have all the money. But he doesn't really care is the point. You'll see he retains this philosophy of rich people winning every argument later when he's Pope and gives out his wisdom that "God loves rich people which is why they're rich and hates poor people which is why they're poor." Pretty much the philosophy of evangelicals in the U.S. Cerebus survives the battle with the assassin and then gives Lord Julius some free advice about running the country. So Cerebus kind of does agree with the assassin but also the assassin wasn't paying him anything so he deserved to be thrown five stories to his death. Lord Julius says, "You can rest assured that I'll give the matter all the attention I feel it deserves." Is there a better way to tell somebody to shove it than that? It's so elegant! In Aardvark Comments, Dave Sim answers a letter on how to go about self-publishing. And so his role as Independent Comic Book Publishing Mentor begins! In his list of things you'll need to get together to successfully publish your own comic book, he kindly leaves out "talent." Obviously Dave understood how to go about getting something published but he also put in the hard work and had the talent to produce a comic book that began well above mediocre or average. I can't imagine a lot of self-published books began at this high of a plateau. And even if they were eventually capable of Cerebus quality, how long are readers going to give them to get there? Probably not even two issues, would be my guess.

The Single Page had a comic called "Sex Education" by April. I thought the first two panels were cute.

Cerebus #14 Rating: A+. As with Elrod and Red Sophia and The Cockroach, Lord Julius' first appearance is a banger. Dave Sim never once falters with Lord Julius' repartee. Solid gags throughout. Sim really is a master of dialogue and, to think, it only gets better.

[undothedamage-blog]

Talking About Abuse

Strap in, this is a long one. Skip to the bottom for a TLDR if needs be.

It’s impossible to spend time in the #abuse tags on Tumblr and not run into discourse re: personality disorders. 

And it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot because I’ve stumbled across the dividing line trying to figure out where I stand. And I think both sides need to remember this:

Mental illness does not make someone abusive. But an abuser with a mental illness may be particularly cruel.

It’s a point that abuse expert Lundy Bancroft has made, and he knows what he’s talking about.

Ideally, I’d like to see the abuse community create new terminology. What exactly, I’m not sure. I’m certainly open to suggestions. Egotistical abuse? Trumpian abuse? Egocentric abuse? Conceited abuse? I don’t know (personally, I prefer Egocentric). We’re not actually trained and qualified to diagnose our abusers with specific disorders. So I’d feel more comfortable avoiding terminology that is already well-defined as something specific that may or may not accurately apply to our situations and that, imo, removes some responsibility from abusers for their choices and behavior.

That said, on the other side of things I’d say to think long and hard about whether you want to attack and possibly re-victimize somebody who is in the long, hard process of recovery from abuse for talking about things like “narcissistic abuse.” Not everything is about you. And if you have experience with mental illness you should consider using that experience to fuel compassion for victims (who are highly likely to be suffering their own mental illness as a result of their abuse) rather than launching into them because they are repeating the terminology that was handed to them by somebody else. By all means, educate people via posts on your own blog. But if you must call out a specific person (whether by reblog or anon asks), remember that the person on the other side of that screen has just spent a very long time, years or decades in some cases, being put down, attacked, criticized, shamed, and endlessly treated as wrong and stupid. If you want to engage with them, don’t do it in a way that will trigger them. And don’t treat them like just another ableist asshole. They’re trying to make sense of what has been done to them and a lot of the people providing answers and hope to them for the first time are teaching them this vocabulary. These people, the ones with a large audience and significant influence, are probably who you should be asking to reconsider their wording.

However, I want to emphasize again to my fellow abuse survivors, that not all abusers have personality disorders (in fact, most probably don’t). Not all people with personality disorders are abusive (and we should really, really hesitate to add to the stigma they face). And abusers who DO have personality disorders would probably still be abusive even if they were magically no longer mentally ill. So just as I ask people to have compassion for victims, I’d ask victims to have compassion for the mental illness community and embrace language that allows us to talk about certain flavors of abuse without co-opting words from the DSM nor contribute to stigmas that harm others (especially when we consider that the mentally ill are often more likely to be victims of abuse themselves). We are, generally, on the same team. And it really requires very little effort to just abstain from using certain phrases or words. 

Again, mental illness does not make somebody abusive. Don’t let abusers get away with using mental illness as an excuse by perpetuating language that implies otherwise.

It boils down to the same problem I have with people calling mass-shooters or terrorists “crazy.” For one thing, it dissolves their responsibility and that’s bullshit. For another, it further stigmatizes mental illness. Millions of mentally ill people every day manage to live their lives without hurting a fly (though many mentally ill people are, in fact, hurt and abused by others). And, perhaps most insidious, it absolves society of any blame for helping create abusers.

It is NOT mental illness that makes, for example, a man shoot up a bunch of people because his girlfriend dumped him. It is entitlement. And we need to face the fact that our culture absolutely contributes to teaching men they are entitled to a woman’s attention, affection, body, emotional labor, etc. We celebrate media that repeats the trope that even the most mediocre of man will be rewarded with a beautiful woman that adores him. We talk about the friend-zone as if it’s a real thing and it is something that women unfairly do to victimize men. We tell women that they’re feelings are wrong and they should be flattered by sexual harassment. We legislate that women’s bodies don’t belong to them (and even afford corpses more bodily autonomy than living women). We tolerate misogyny in our music, movies, television, and government. We teach women they are responsible for preventing assault instead of teaching men not to assault. We teach generation after generation that “boys will be boys” and that girls should just tolerate their bad behavior. 

So, yeah. Maybe a lot of us have, in fact, been abused by somebody with a personality disorder. But unless we’re a psychiatrist, we’re not really qualified to comment on that. And we’re shooting ourselves in the proverbial foot when we frame our discussions about abuse in terms from the field of mental health. Because mentally ill or not, abusers will continue to abuse as long as they feel entitled to do so. If we borrow language from psychiatry to frame the conversation around abuse, we make it too easy for everyone to throw their hands up in the air and say “well, we can’t really do anything about it” (especially when talking about disorders that haven’t found successful treatment options).

And that simply isn’t true.

Because, guess what, we CAN do something about abuse. Now, we can’t do much about individual abusers. Only abusers can change themselves. But, and Lundy Bancroft talks at length about this at the end of Why Does He Do That, society and individuals can absolutely do things to combat problems that contribute to abuse and to protect victims. Things like:

BELIEVE VICTIMS. The rate of false accusations of abuse is, despite what MRAs would have us believe, incredibly small. Bancroft says “There is a natural temptation to speak out forcefully against abuse until the man whose behavior is under the microscope is one of our own, and then we switch sides. But we can’t have it both ways. Abuse won’t stop until people stop making exceptions for their own brothers and sons and friends.“ He also says “Nothing would work faster to end the abuse of women than having the friends and family of abusive men stop enabling them. And that begins, in turn, with making sure that you listen carefully and respectfully to her side of the story— something the abusive man never does.” (emphasis mine) 

TEACH WHAT ABUSE LOOKS LIKE. Bancroft specifically advices therapists, the clergy, etc. to “provide some basic education to any male about partner abuse. Give some examples of abusive behaviors, describe their destructive impact on women and children, and explain that a man is entirely responsible for his own actions.” I think a huge aspect of why people discount women’s reports of abuse is that they don’t recognize abusive behavior as, in fact, abusive. This comes back round to entitlement and justification as well as abusers and their allies tendency to point to worse forms of abuse to say “that’s what REAL abuse looks like, what I’ve done isn’t REAL abuse.”

REFORM THE JUSTICE SYSTEM TO BETTER PROTECT VICTIMS AND FORCE ABUSERS TO FACE REAL CONSEQUENCES FOR THEIR ACTIONS. I won’t go into the details on specific changes that need to be made. This post is already super fucking long. You can find Bancroft’s suggestions in Why Does He Do That.

I’d add that we also, as a society, need to:

REFUSE TO SUPPORT MEDIA THAT IS MISOGYNIST. If it promotes the idea that men are entitled to behave in controlling or abusive ways it doesn’t deserve our attention, accolades, or money. We should also stop handing out awards to abusive men as if separating their performances and public persona from their abuse doesn’t teach them (and others) that abusers can abuse without consequence.

CHALLENGE DAMAGING IDEAS AND STATEMENTS. This is particularly important for men to do. If you hear dudes complaining about the friend zone, or celebrating rape culture, or otherwise espousing sexist and harmful ideas, call them out. Make it clear that such views are entirely unacceptable.

LISTEN TO FEMINISTS, SJWs, AND OTHER SO-CALLED SNOWFLAKES. There’s a false notion that when progressives voice concerns or complaints about micro-aggressions or subtle sexism, or whatnot that they’re focusing on small stuff and should just get over it. But the reality is that the small stuff matters. All the various small things add up to a culture that sends abusers the messages of entitlement they use to justify their abuse. Take the Bechtel Test. I recognize it is only one step in beginning to evaluate whether a movie is, in fact, sexist. But, generally speaking, any movie that doesn’t feature enough named, female characters with dialogue about something other than a male character sends the subtle message that women’s roles revolve around the men in their lives. It says that woman are accessories to a man’s story. When feminists call for more women in the writers’ room of television and movies, it goes so far beyond just wanting to level the employment playing field (though that’s important in its own right)! More women contributing to scripts means more well-rounded women characters and less sexist tropes being repeated. It means more boys growing up consuming media in which the world presented to them is not one that revolves around men.

If you’re still with me at this point in this long-ass post I just want to say thank you. I know tumblr is usually a place for more pithy communication. But I go on at length because there is just so much to say that is so important.

That said, here’s a TLDR for those who can’t handle the endless wall of text (I’m ADHD, I can empathize):

The abuse community would do well to create new terminology to discuss our experiences that doesn’t rely on language which may inadvertently harm the mental illness community.

Be patient and kind to abuse victims if you want to talk to them about how something they’ve repeated may be problematic so that you can avoid triggering them or adding to their trauma.

If somebody asks you to reconsider your language, be kind and sympathetic and remember that they may share more of your experiences than you realize. 

Society can do a lot to prevent and combat abuse.

And most importantly let me repeat this:

Mental illness does not make somebody abusive. Don’t let abusers get away with using mental illness as an excuse by perpetuating language that implies otherwise.

[tuomivuori]

44, 45, 56, 70 and 83!

44. If you had a daughter, what would you tell her about boys?

Do yourself a favor and don’t grow up straight (well I wouldn’t say that but I’d secretly hope. :’D) No but really, if you do end up being attracted to boys, never tolerate anyone who disrespects you, belittles you, takes you for granted, or mistreats you in any way. Find one who treats you as an equal and makes you feel good. You’re not supposed to be the only one who makes an effort in a relationship and does emotional and domestic labor. Don’t settle for someone mediocre, expect and demand better. However, don’t think you can change or cure an abusive/violent asshole, don’t get involved with them in the first place, because leaving later might be difficult or even dangerous. Never let anyone pressure you into sex but don’t apologize for your sexuality either (the world will judge you no matter what you do, so just do what feels good for you.) Also, being in an unprivileged position doesn’t give you the right to hit them or abuse them either. 

45. If you had a son, what would you tell him about girls?

If you grow up to be attracted to them (or even if you don’t), remember that they are people who deserve respect and do not exist for your pleasure - they owe you nothing. See them as your equals, don’t buy into the message society and media send you that you should objectify and dehumanize them. Listen to them and take them seriously, don’t dismiss their concerns, opinions, and feelings as “nagging” or “being overly emotional”. Don’t pressure them or feel entitled to sex or their attention/time, always ask for consent and what they want, don’t use your physical strength or social power to your advantage. Be aware of your privilege and use it to influence your peers to respect women too. Do your share in a relationship, both in terms of housework and emotional labor, don’t be a manbaby who expects everything to be done for them. Also, if you experience emotional or any other kind of abuse, get out or get help, you deserve to be treated well too.

56. What did you learn about relationships from your parents?

Mostly they’ve been an example of what not to do. Didn’t see any of that myself since they got divorced when I was a baby but from what I’ve heard, they didn’t do anything right. First off, don’t get married to someone you don’t even like that much as a person. Second, don’t stay together “for the kids” (they did that for my big sisters but luckily not for me) or anything if you can’t stand each other - the kids won’t benefit from living in that kind of a household. Third, the relationship is not going to work if you are completely sexually (and otherwise) incompatible. Fourth, just get the damn divorce instead of fighting all the time or being unfaithful. 

70. What are you a little addicted to? Porn, alcohol, shopping, arguing…

Internet and snacking. And those are not even little, they’re proper addictions, which I’ve only recently accepted. I have to spend a certain amount of time in a day browsing through new content on the websites that are a part of my routine, and I have to to do it even if I’m tired to the point of a headache and actually want to go to sleep. It’s compulsive. Internet keeps me from doing things I should do and even things I like and would like to do more, such as drawing. It’s just so low-effort and instantly rewarding. And I’m so used to eating something almost all the time, it’s really hard to deny myself snacks. I’ll feel a constant craving for something if I try to eat less often, and healthy options just don’t cut it. I want that salt and fat and sugar in me. (Thank god for my quick metabolism which keeps me skinny, but it’s still unhealthy and I should really learn to regulate my eating.)  

83. If you could create your ideal pornography, what would it feature?

I guess it would have to be something that feels realistic to me. I’d have to believe that the actors are having fun and enjoying what they’re doing. There’d be two women who don’t look like straight people (I know lipstick lesbians exist but the typical porn star with long hair, model body, big boobs, and conventional make-up just screams “too straight” to me). And short nails please, I don’t want to be wincing constantly. The performers would be cute, one could be a bit more androgynous and the other one more feminine and curvy. There could be some slight D/s undertones but nothing hardcore. And no exaggerated fake moaning or other cringy porn tropes, just people having a good time and looking like they're actually into it.  

Whoops, this turned into a novel and a rather cynical and depressing one at that. :’D Anyway, thanks for the ask, these were some good questions!

[bplus]

Pahimakas (2016) - Behind the scenes 

I honestly wasn’t sure how to feel after Bidyofest. It felt odd because 1. I was hurt and 2. I didn’t want to sound bitter nor a sore loser. 

Badmouthing others was not an option simply because EVERYTHING was well-deserved. 

So much has happened in putting Pahimakas into reality. This film was our brain child, our love child, our investment not to mention. Just like everyone else, we spent a lot, we worked our asses off, and we sacrificed so much; time, things, and even people.

We’ve come across some pretty interesting situations that tested not just our teamwork but as well as our friendship. Much like how other productions did. And maybe that what made it painful, because just like everyone else, we also did our best. We also lost and gained so much. We also laughed a lot and cried a lot, and yet there we were - standing in front of a crowd with a piece of paper barely justifying the kind of effort Optics has done in the two months of producing of the film. 

But you know what, it was that same painful jolt in the stomach which made me realize that someone may have done her best, her 101% but that doesn’t automatically grant her merits. There will be others doing 101% too, just as hopeful and just as cunning as you are in whatever pursuit that is. 

Life’s unfair, it’s going to suck every once in a while but we’re gonna have to learn to live by it. To love it. 

This loss taught me to look beyond the merits and focus more on things that turned this film, as I claim it to be, beautiful. To focus on the good stuff, to look back at the small triumphs we may have overlooked searching for far greater rewards when we were already given a pat in the back for something we did well. 

I know it sounds like I’m sourgraping to some extent, but I’m not. I’d like to think it’s a human reaction, you know? To join a competition, you aim to win, not for mediocrity. And if you end up with the latter it just makes sense to feel bad. You didn’t get what you came for at all. 

But in my case, I did get what I came for. Just not what I thought I’d end up having anyway. Tiny victories and the grandest experiences I’d say. 

To you Optics, for your passion and your sacrifices. 

[bleedpurplestayclassy]

A letter to my future self

2020 is the year that should not have happened. The worst possible combination of so many awful things coalescing to form the. worst. year. ever. period.  Coronavirus. Lockdown. Political divisions running rampant. Murder hornets. Neverending news cycles of hate, tragedy, loss, and derision. A spray-tanned, hairpiece wearing rear-end of a jackass is president, twiddling his thumbs spouting lunacy and idiocy through a twitter account I hope to never see again come November 4th, “leads” our nation into mediocrity with every stupid word he conjures to form incoherent thoughts. Racial equality and social justice are still sadly things our nation can’t embrace for the amazing things that they are, soooo many years after they should have been common practices. Anywho, 2020 sucks. And it’s not even July yet.

I think a lot about what I want to be doing in the future, everyday. I think of the world I want to provide for my son, everyday. I think of how quickly I’ll retire. How soon I’ll be happy with someone new. How important spending time with my son will continue to be. I think of all these things, yet somehow rarely think of you, or rather, me. So I am writing this to hopefully one day be able to look back and tell you, again me, I told you so! Because we both know I enjoy being the smartest guy in any room I enter. 

So let’s start there. I hope you aren’t ever as egomaniacal as I have been so far in my life. I push people away so easily when I lose myself in the pursuit of winning an argument, and you better not need the validation of others by the time I’m you. Grow up, and admit when you’re wrong. The world will keep spinning and you’ll still be a total badass. A Troubular Gentleman can be wrong and still be a successful member of a global society.

I hope you make the time for finding things that scare you. Like exercise and healthy foods and new hobbies.Never grow stagnant in the mundanity of your day-to-day. Make plans for vacations and take trips that you haven’t planned out. Life is far too short and precious to waste with indecisiveness and inaction. Work will always be there, your health and your family may not. Take advantage and stop only taking up space. Engage with the world in ways I don’t currently see as feasible or possible. Donate your passion to a cause worthy of your energy and compassion. 

Solve a problem every day of your life. No matter how small. You were blessed with a brain that far surpasses the abilities you give yourself credit for and you are far more capable than your past failures would have you believe. Stretch towards a handhold you don’t think you can reach. Dive for it if you have to, knowing your friends and your family are the only tether to this world you’ll ever truly need. Your child is watching every move you make and we can’t afford to have him grow up to be only as brave as I currently am. He needs to see the reward for taking risks or we will have robbed the world of his limitless potential. Never lose sight of who I want him to become.

And now we need to talk about my future spouse, because she’s going to be vital in helping you be the man I am meant to become. Find the one who challenges your perspective, your comfort zone, and your self-image. She’s bound to be outwardly beautiful, I’m not worried about that. But you have to make sure you fall for her spirit in the deepest corners and darkest places of her soul, not just her smile or the way she fits in your arms. I spent most of my young life chasing the aesthetics and failed to focus on the foundations of my future, and for that, I apologize to you for stealing time with the one you’ll eventually find. We know I made some missteps along the way, so let’s not rehash them. But she has to love my son like my son loves me right now, and you have to work to make sure we love her like we love my son right now. You don’t get to take a single day off. Tell her she’s pretty, make her feel loved, and fall for who she becomes in each new stage of life with you or she’ll definitely grow tired of a life with me, and not you. My son is counting on watching how you show kindness, patience, support, love, admiration, service, respect and loyalty to her. He will love his future spouse the way you love mine, so make sure you’re ready for all that when you commit to someone new.

I hope you never stop writing., even if no one reads my words. My world is hurting for self-expression and the freedom with which to express. Your ego is not, nor has it ever been, hurting for acceptance of others, so never write for that empty purpose. Speak your mind in outlets that allow you to let go of the feelings and stressors you do so well at pretending aren’t there in front of others. You’re not an artsy person, but you do have a voice that is wasted when it is silent. Speak up for those who can’t speak for themselves. Advocate for a future my son can be fully safe and supported in. He deserves our best efforts at every moment of every single day for the rest of our lives and you don’t have the luxury of resting until you are confident his generation is left a better world than the one we’ve grown up in. 

If you’re reading this, I hope it is only to remind you of who the fuck you are and why you have done what you are doing for so long. I hope you this finds you in a place where you’re as successful as you are non-complacent with that success you have always enjoyed at most anything you put your heart into. Finally, I hope you fight for what you believe in, and I hope you lose some of the weight I put on for us, because I hope you have a smaller belt size than I do today. I deserve abs again, and so will you.

Sincerely, 

The one who helped you become what I hope I will become