#because when i am not on antidepressants i am suicidal

[the-dot]

lays down to cry. it's only been 10 days i can get through whatever effects the new pills are having on my system

[noisy-weasel]

Man how do you explain to your parents that no I don't have a future like stop pitching all these ideas to me because you sound insane. Like I guess they genuinely don't realize how close to death I am. I'd already be gone but there's no knives in the house Sharp enough. Like that's the ONLY reason I am alive. Period. And the fact I'm still here is so fucking stressful because every second I'm still alive is money and energy my family is wasting on me and I fucking hate hate hate it. Honest to god forcing people who are horribly suicidal to continue living is a crime like every year I'm still here increases how awful I feel tenfold and I should be able to buy pills that can kill myself just over the counter and there's just no excuses that I can't

[bearemiah]

a mother is a wound. a mother is everything you are and everything that you have left behind. a child is a helpless hand too small to hold onto everything it wants to save. a child is what is left behind.

[transmascissues]

every day i think about how my old psychiatrist (who was notoriously horrible on many levels, to be clear) tried to convince me to stay on the antidepressants i was coming off of when i told her i was starting testosterone because she was convinced that i’d be incapable of handling the “intense mood swings” that she said it would cause if i was unmedicated

mind you, i was coming off of these meds because they were doing absolutely fucking nothing for me and she had fought me on stopping them every step of the way — in her mind, me starting t was the perfect chance to make one final (transphobic) push against my desire to stop putting completely pointless drugs in my body

she consistently referred to hrt as me “going on steroids” and told me with every ounce of condescending concern she could muster that she had never had a patient start t without being on antidepressants (as if i was supposed to see that fact as anything other than further proof that her main goal as a psychiatrist was just to make as much money as possible by pushing meds on people)

i tried to explain to her that countless trans people i’d talked to had said that being on t made them feel more emotionally stable, not less, and that i had already chosen a method of hrt that would minimize hormonal fluctuations as much as possible, but she wouldn’t believe me — there’s no question in my mind that she just saw me as a ~naive little girl who didn’t understand how testosterone could make my life hell~

and of course, my mom jumped on that idea and started telling me about how it’s not that she doesn’t like that i’m trans, it’s just that she’s ~so worried~ about what the ~big bad testosterone~ might to to my ~poor fragile mental health~

and when i started t, i was terrified that they would be proven right

now i’m 5 months on t (and a few months post-ending that doctor-patient relationship as well) and what do you know? my mood is better than ever! my therapist (who has known me far longer and actually cares about my well-being) says she’s never seen me this happy, and that she feels like i’m actually living for the first time! it’s been incredible!

in fact, i’ve come to the realization that i most likely had premenstrual dysphoric disorder before t, and that it was contributing to a huge percentage of my mental breakdowns and suicidal thoughts, so it seems there were hormones causing mood swings that i couldn’t handle without proper treatment after all, but testosterone isn’t the cause of those issues — turns out it’s the treatment i desperately needed to manage them!

and after some research and hearing from other people, i’ve learned that it wasn’t all anecdotal after all, because some studies have actually found evidence to support the idea that testosterone has antidepressant effects — i told my therapist that testosterone felt the way the antidepressants i had been on were supposed to feel, but i had no clue there was science to back that up

so now i’m just left being endlessly furious with the way testosterone is demonized as some horrible poisonous drug that will destroy your mental health along with everything else in your life, because being on it has improved my quality of life exponentially and that alone makes being on it SO worthwhile, but no one ever gets to see that side of being on t because they’re so busy drumming up fear about how it’ll wreck your moods instead

of course, that’s not to say some people don’t experience serious mood swings on t, because i would never deny someone else’s experience with their own body and mind, and i think it’s important that people know those effects are possible when they start t

what i AM saying is that i would guess that if you looked at pure numbers, more people have probably had a really positive experience like mine than a seriously negative one, and it’s very telling that the negative ones are portrayed as a universal part of being on t despite seemingly being a smaller percentage when you actually talk to lots of trans people, while the positive ones are portrayed as a fluke at best and impossible or even deceptive at worst despite being a really common theme in trans people’s accounts of being on t

testosterone is medicine. testosterone is healing.

it doesn’t solve all our problems — i’m certainly far from cured of all my mental health issues — but it sure as hell lightens the load, and i’m sick and tired of people acting like it’s a horrible thing and not the fucking miracle worker that it is for some of us

[delulu4dean]

“Withdrawals”

Warnings: suicide, depression, anxiety

Pairings: Dean Winchester x sister!reader, Sam Winchester x sister!reader

Prompt: withdrawal from Cymbalta. Based on my own experience

Word Count: 3,624

You are all packed up to go with your older brothers. They were going all the way to the Redwood Forest, and you didn’t want to be in the bunker all alone.

You aren’t a hunter like them, not yet at least. You’ve studied the lore, and you’ve trained a bit, because after all, you are a Winchester. And the name alone is like wearing a giant “kick me” sign if it said “kill me” instead. No, you’re a student, getting your associates online in the exploratory major because you have no idea what you would want to do other than hunt with your brothers.

Sam and Dean promised John they’ll never let you into the life. Your mom died shortly after you were born. Your dad met your mom on a hunt nineteen years ago. She was a nurse in a hospital. There was one patient who was wrongfully treated, and died due to medical negligence. And boy does a vengeful spirit do a lot of damage. John saved your mom’s life, and they celebrated that night. She got pregnant, and she kept John’s number so nine months later, he picks up the phone to find out he’s got a daughter. Dean overheard the conversation and when John said he wouldn’t go, Dean said he has to. It resulted in a huge argument. John eventually gave in, and they went to the hospital to see you, and Dean knew right there and then he’d do anything to protect his little sister.

Your mom killed herself after she brought you home. Family history of mental illness was bad enough, but the postpartum depression pushed her over the edge.

It was not easy showing up at Stanford trying to explain to Sam that he had a baby sister, and that also your dad was missing. It was especially not easy looking for your dad while they had to take care of a baby. Dean often got babysitters to watch you in the motels they stayed in.

And now here you are, nineteen years old, aimlessly walking through life. You’re getting an associates in nothing specific just to get some general education done. And that history of mental illness in your family is hitting you hard. You’re on antidepressants, a specific one that treats your depression and anxiety.

Dean parks at the motel, and goes to get keys for a room. You don’t mind sleeping on the couch, out of the three of you it only makes sense, you got tall and taller with you, and it just doesn’t seem fair to make them sleep on the couch when you fit so well on it.

Sam and Dean throw on their FBI getup and go start asking questions while you connect your laptop to the motel wifi. Yay statistics, said no one ever. You’re only doing this to make your brothers happy, you don’t see a reason to get a degree. They say it’s useful to get some sort of decent job, or to one day get a further education when you decide what you want to do. But you already know what you want to do, you want to hunt with them.

You don’t know how you ended up on the couch. One moment you were doing homework and… yeah, that’s enough to make you snooze. You look at the time and it’s 8am the next day. You look into your bag and your eyes wide as you realize you left your antidepressants in the bunker.

“Shit!”

Your sudden outburst awakens your brothers as they both shoot up to see what’s wrong with you.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Sam asks as they both run to your side.

“I forgot my meds at home,” you pout.

“Your meds?” Dean raises an eyebrow.

“My antidepressants,” you clarify.

Dean makes an “O” shape with his mouth in response.

“Have you ever missed a day before?” Sam asks you.

“No, and this is going to be longer than a day. How am I going to manage without it?”

“Managing your existing problems is the least of your worries kiddo. You’re going to go through withdrawals,” Dean takes a seat next to you. “One of us can stay with you.”

“I’ll be fine, let’s get breakfast, you guys do your research and then I get back and work on more homework, I’ll keep myself occupied,” you assure your brother. They give each other a worried look, not feeling too sure, but you insist you’ll be fine.

The three of you head to a diner, and you check out the menu while Dean checks out the waitress.

“Perv,” you mumble under your breath.

“Good morning, what can I get for you?”

Dean orders the greasiest breakfast on the menu, with bacon of course. Sam orders some omelette made with just egg whites.

“And for you, hun?” the waitress looks at you with a smile.

“I’d like a plate of eggs, over easy, and sausages. And an order of chocolate chip pancakes with extra whipped cream if that’s possible. And a cup of coffee if that isn’t too much trouble,” you order.

“Coming right up!”

After a couple of minutes the coffee is ready and she serves you and your brothers your coffee. You add a couple of vanilla creamers. You take your first sip, and immediately regret not blowing on it first. The hot liquid burns your tongue. You set your cup down as your stomach growls, begging to be fed.

On a normal day, you could be patient, wait for your food. But today isn’t a normal day, and even though it’s probably a five minute wait, ten at most, you need the food now. Your leg bounces up and down, as your fingers tap on the table.

“Hey kid, are you alright?” Dean asks you.

“Mmhm. Just hungry.”

“The food will be out any minute,” Sam assures you. You nod but it doesn’t make the time pass by any quicker for you.

You watch as the waitress walks over to your table with your food and you sit up. The moment she places your place in front of you, you dig in. Your brothers watch as you focus on your meal. They’ve never seen you eat like this. Normally you try to stay neat and clean while you eat. You talk to them. But right now, your brothers know better than to comment on you eating.

It’s not Dean doesn’t go crazy about food either. It’s just out of the ordinary for you, and you’re off your meds for the next few days, so they’re worried. Eventually they start getting to their research.

After breakfast, your brothers drop you off at the motel, and get on with the case. You open your laptop, log into your student portal, and look at your assignments. This is going to be a long day.

✰✰✰✰✰

You’re sat on the chair in front of your laptop, as you have been all day. It’s been hard to concentrate, you kept checking your phone, playing games. Every time your brothers texted to check in on you, you used it as an excuse to be on your phone again. And then when you finally started concentrating, you didn’t understand it.

You’re sat on your chair, tears streaming down your face. Hugging your knees, you just stare at the screen as the numbers blur together. Math was frustrating. It’s not like you’re bad at it, you’re actually great at it. But your mind is cloudy, and even reading over everything again and again, you’re not processing anything.

You barely made it through your other assignments, and this is all you have left for the day. You’ve been going at it since breakfast, you even skipped lunch to make up for the distractions.

The motel door clicks and creaks open, and footsteps enter the room. You don’t look up from your screen, you just hope they don’t notice your damp face.

“We got dinner,” Dean says, placing the bag on the table in front of you.

“ ‘M-not hungry,” you mumble.

“What do you mean you’re not hungry, what did you have for lunch?” Dean sits at the table, and Sam joins.

You still don’t look up as your brothers take out their food from the take out bag. Dean places your food in front of you as you push it away.

“I’ve been doing homework all day, no time to eat,” you attempt to speak but it all came out in a raspy whisper.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Sam scoots closed to you, placing his hand on your shoulder.

“I’m stupid, that’s what’s wrong,” you break down into sobs. “I can’t do simple math equations.”

“You’re great at math,” Dean tries to assure you, but it doesn’t help.

“But I can’t do it today.”

“Hey, hey. You're off your meds. You’re not stupid, you're just not in the right state right now,” Sam tells you, and you nod. “Eat up, and after dinner, I’ll help you with your math, and anything else you need help with.”

Your sobs become small whimpers until you stop crying altogether. You sniffle before grabbing the dinner your brothers got for your. Sam sits next to you and reads over your math homework and explains things. Just reading it didn’t process, but hearing it out loud, from your brother, that helped process what you were actually looking at. Not long after, you finish your homework.

“Thank you, Sammy,” you hug your brother, tightly, and he hugs you back.

“Of course, (Y/N/N),” he keeps you close.

✰✰✰✰✰

You toss and turn, unable to sleep. You’re really starting to miss your antidepressants. Huffing, you get up from the couch, throw on your slip on vans, and take one of the motel key cards. Maybe a walk with some therapeutic music will help you feel better. It really sucks how just after 24 hours, the withdrawal kicks in. You throw in your earbuds and start walking around the block.

Your skin feels all tingly and a burning sensation travels up your leg but you ignore your body screaming. Maybe the walk is what you need. You've been sitting all day, no wonder you can’t sleep.

You put your hands in your pocket as you sing along to the next song under your breath.

“Running low, on serotonin. Chemical imbalance got me twisting things. Stabilize with medicine, there’s no depth to these feelings. Dig deep, can’t hide from the corners of my mind. I’m terrified of what’s inside.”

You take in a deep breath, letting the cool air fill your lungs.

“Please don’t let me go crazy. Put me if a field with daisies, might not work but I’ll take a maybe.”

As the song ends, you reach the motel door, but before you can use your key card, the door opens. You look up to see Dean frantically walking out until he sees you.

“Y/N! Where were you?” He whisper-shouts.

“I just went on a walk,” you explain. “I couldn’t sleep. Thought it would tire me out.”

“How are you feeling?” he asks you, putting his hand on your back, bringing you inside.

“Honestly my legs hurt, my skin feels all tingly, and my head is starting to hurt.”

“Come on, you’re sleeping in my bed tonight. We can tell each other ghost stories until we fall asleep.”

You smile softly, remembering that’s what Dean would do to get you to bed growing up. You lay down underneath the cover and look at the ceiling.

“Instead of a ghost story, you can catch me up on what you and Sammy have figured out about the case,” you suggest.

And so Dean goes into detail about his day, and how he things by tomorrow night things should be done. Dean is thinking it’s a siren, since these victims were last seen talking about seeing a pretty woman.

“But what were the victims doing before they got killed?” you pose a question.

“One was smoking, another littered, the third being really disruptive,” your eldest brother answers you.

“Hm. Could be a dryad,” you tell Dean.

“A what?”

“A dryad, forest nymph, not a fairy or a goddess but sort of in between. Magical, gorgeous women. There are different nymphs, like water nymphs for example.”

“How do you kill a nymph?” Dean asks you.

“She’s just protecting the forest,” you pout.

“She’s killing people.”

“Talk to her.”

“How do you kill her?” Dean presses.

“You don’t,” you finally give in. “Not without killing nature. Do you want to burn down a tree, Dean?”

“… no.”

“Thought so.”

“Then what do I do?”

“Technically if you can find the one tree she’s attached to, you can kill her. But you shouldn’t.”

“I’ll try talking to her, for you.”

“Thanks Dean.”

✰✰✰✰✰

The next morning you and Dean are both awaken by Sam, who brings you breakfast burritos.

“Good morning,” he says.

“Mmm morning,” you yawn.

“Did you have a nightmare?” Sam asks.

“No, I just couldn’t sleep. So Dean caught me up on your case.”

Sam nods. After breakfast and some research, Sam and Dean get what they need to summon her.

“Since it’s not that dangerous, maybe I can come along,” you offer.

“Homework for the week all done?” Sam asks.

You nod.

“Legs feeling better?” Dean asks.

You nod again.

“You’re lying,” he squints his eyes at you.

“How would you know?”

“The second nod was slower and less confident.”

You groan.

“If you need one of us to stay with you, we can arrange that. If what you said is true, it will be easy enough for just one of us,” Sam suggests.

“I’m fine,” you lie. You’re not fine. Your body is aching, and the anxiety and depression are starting to really sink in.

“Sam, you’re better at talking things out than I am. I’ll drop you off, then head back here. You can call me if you need backup,” Dean says.

“Sounds like a plan,” Sam nods.

The two of them leave the room and you sigh, laying down. You can’t just stay sitting in this room the whole time. You’re at a bear themed motel close to the redwood forest. You need to experience the nature. You’re feeling trapped and panicked. Your breathing accelerates and you sit up. Pacing back and forth for the next forty minutes, you wait for Dean to get back.

The door opens and he walks in with a bag in hand.

“You’re five minutes late!” you yell at him.

“I just stopped to get some pie,” he sets down the bag. “I got you powdered donuts.”

You nod.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to yell at you. I’m just feeling really trapped in here. Think we can go for a walk, or a drive at least?”

“A drive sounds good,” Dean nods. “But eat the donuts before. No powder on Baby.” He points a finger at you.

“Yes sir,” you grab your donuts and eat, while dean digs into his pie.

After dessert, you two get into Baby. You look out the window as he pulls out of the motel parking lot.

“You want to play some music?” Dean asks you.

“What happened to driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole?”

“This is a one time opportunity, Y/N. You don’t wanna miss it,” he nudges you.

You use a cassette adapter to connect your phone. You continue the playlist you were playing last night.

“You wanna listen to sad music?” Dean raises an eyebrow.

“I am sad. I don’t have my happy pills,” you mumble.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Honestly? I just want to cry. For absolutely no reason. Well there is a reason, withdrawals.”

Tears well up, and you take a shaky sigh.

“I’m sorry kid. I’ll make sure we get home as soon as possible.”

You just nod. The medication doesn’t stop the bad thoughts from happening, but they stop them from hurting as much. The problem was the medication isn’t as effective anymore either. You’ve built a tolerance, so right now the only difference is instead of mild depression, you want to kill yourself. You hate how you look, I mean both of your brothers are considered attractive and you feel like you look… dorky. School is stressful especially when you’re working towards a degree you don’t want.

And then you think of your brothers, who swooped in to take care of you. John wasn’t a terrible father to you, but you know he was too tough on Sam and Dean especially when it came to you. And then when John died, Dean became basically like your dad. He already raised Sam during his youth and then he had to take care of you. You couldn’t help but think that Sam and Dean would have it so much easier without you.

You try to hide your cries, looking out the window, letting tears stream down your face.

“Y/N/N? Talk to me,” Dean coaxes you. “What are you thinking about.”

Your silent cries become wails and sobs. And the crying triggers a headache and you feel nauseous and everything is just awful.

“Dean, why do you keep me around?” You take a deep breath trying to calm yourself but it doesn’t work. “I’m a burden. You don’t need to be taking care of me, especially when I’m an adult. I’m just dragging you down,” you cry out. “If I were dead, or never born, you’d be so much happier!”

“Woah woah!” Dean pulls over, then looks over at you. “I would not be happier without you. We don’t keep you around to take care of you. You’re grown, independent. We love you. And we’re happy you like being around us too. You’re our family.”

You look up at him, and you can almost see his heart breaks as he looks at your face. He wipes your tears and pulls you in for a hug.

“Are you thinking of hurting yourself? Are the suicidal thoughts back?”

You nod, crying into the crook of his neck.

“I’m sorry.”

“Shh. You have nothing to be sorry about, baby, these thoughts aren’t your fault.”

You feel something going on in your throat, and you pull away quickly, opening the door, emptying the contents from your stomach. Dean quickly gets out from the drivers side and runs over to you.

“Ew,” you cry. “God that’s gross. I’m sorry.”

Your shoulders continue to shake as you resume crying. Your older brother crouches down (avoiding where you threw up) and pushes your hair back behind your ears.

“You don’t need to say sorry.”

“I might have gotten some on Baby,” you say, looking around to make sure.

“I can clean it. It’s just a car. You’re my baby sister.”

You sniffle as a smile creeps on your face.

“You do really love me. You’d never say she’s just a car unless it was that serious.”

“Of course it’s that serious. You’re having withdrawals. Now lets get something in that tummy,” he pokes your stomach. “Something light and comforting. You can wash up in the bathroom. And then we can get Sam and get you home.”

You nod and the drive resumes. You head back to the diner you had breakfast at yesterday. For lunch you get a grilled cheese and tomato soup. Dean gets a burger, obviously. As you wait for the food, you head into the bathroom and wash up.

After lunch, Sam gives Dean a call, saying it’s all over, and to also check up on you. You guys go on your way to pick up Sam. Dean hands the key over to Sam and Sam looks at Dean confused.

“Long drive from California to Kansas. Don’t want to leave her alone. After dinner we can switch off and you can sit in the back if you want,” Dean explains.

“It’s fine, it looks like you got control of the situation.” Sam looks over to you. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m feeling like absolute shit. But better than before.”

“When we get home, you take your meds, get your sleep, then we can do a movie night,” Sam suggests.

“That sounds great Sammy,” you smile. You kiss his cheek before going into the back seat with Dean.

“Thanks for being here for me Dean,” you say, kissing his cheek as well.

“Of course. I’ve been here since day one,” he ruffles your hair.

✰✰✰✰✰

The next 21 hours end up being hell. Dean said the wrong thing while trying to comfort you, sending you spiraling. That’s when Sam sat in the back while Dean sat up front beating himself up over it as he drives the rest of the way home. You apologized for being a difficult kid and Dean didn’t deny you were difficult, he just said easy is boring.

Now Dean pulls into the bunker garage, and you run to your room to get your medicine and take it. Dean follows you, wanting to apologize.

“Hey, Y/N, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. You aren’t a difficult kid. You were a great kid. Fun, and a great listener.”

“It’s okay Dean, I’m over it. Really.”

He nods.

“Can you stay with me until I sleep though? You and Sam? I want to hear about the dryad!”

“Sure thing. Sammy!”

Sam runs up to you guys.

“She wants you to tell us about the dryad.”

“Was she pretty?” you ask.

“Yes, she was very pretty.”

You lay in bed as your brothers sit on each side of you. Sam talks about how your plan to talk to her actually worked, and how the conversation went down. You smile as you listen. Your eyelids get heavy and soon you’re out.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Was chatting with @waitmyturtles last night and she sent me this screenshot from the Instagram story of The Eighth Sense director

And I'm reading too much in to the choice of My Strange Addiction being the song here, and like yes granted "addicted" is part of the original post but between this and the post from @starsickkk with the Insta story about how this specific poster is the only one the production team wanted to run and they said there is meaning behind it all, and because @frietesmetmaajoo asked someone to overanalyze it, I took it upon myself in my COVID-ridden state to start looking at psych meds that are pink.

And God, I feel like I am causing problems for myself at this point because I said I was going to stop speculating about this show before we maybe get some fucking answers in Episode 7 but man oh man is it fun to speculate about this show. While in real like I do not think someone asking for an extension of their prescription is automatic grounds in any case for assuming they have a drug addiction, this is fiction. They have limited time to say what they want to say and so it is much more likely they had JaeWon ask for more drugs because he is misusing them.

So anyway without further ado, a list of psych medications that can pink according to the WebMD Pill Identifier website:

Amytriptyline: anti-depressant

Buproprion: anti-depressant and smoking cessation

Citalopram: anti-depressant

Clonazepam: treats anxiety and panic disorders

Vyvanse: Treats ADHD and severe binge eating disorders

Aripriprazole: Anti-psychotic for schizophrenia and bipolar

Dextro-amphetamine: Treats ADHD and narcolepsy

What medication JaeWon has been taking has been plaguing me, I don't think that he has ADHD or narcolepsy so we can cut out Vyvanse and dextro-amphet. I don't think he's psychotic, so I'm going to cut out Aripiprazole. I think it is more likely that JaeWon has depression than anxiety so let's cut out Clonazepam as well. Leaving us with the anti-depressants amytriptyline, buproprion, and citalopram. JaeWon is still smoking so let's cut out buproprion.

Citalopram is used to treat major depressive disorder, and has been shown to be a potential treatment for PTSD when in combination with other medications.

Amytriptyline which can be used to treat major depressive disorder and which is a tricyclic antidepressant and can therefore ALSO be used to treat PTSD (x)(x)(x)

Both citalopram and amytriptyline can be addictive, and both say not to mix with alcohol, but when I think about the stark contrast in color between the Episode 6 title card and all the others, all I can think about is how pink it is.

Citalopram:

Amytriptyline:

Title Card of Episode 6:

All of this to say, putting aside the reality/delusion discussion we've been having over the last week. I think that JaeWon is misusing his medication, and I think the medication he may be prescribed is amytriptyline (I know this is a Korean show and not a Thai show but as a fun fact, amytriptyline is what Aye was prescribed in The Eclipse). Amytriptyline which has side effects such as blurred vision, weight gain, and can cause drug dependence because it is a sedative and can cause feelings of euphoria (x) and which can be fatal if you overdose.

JaeWon has said in the show that he is trying to watch his weight, and I am constantly being haunted by the blurry camerawork especially around JaeWon. I think JaeWon is misusing his medication, and I think we are seeing a suicide attempt by JaeWon before the end of this series. Or at the very least an intentional or unintentional overdose.

[thursdaygrl]

hi guys I hate to disappear and then come back venting so tw for mental health/skin condition stuff under the cut but I miss everyone here a lot. I don't know when I'll have time to write again, let alone the energy but I'm working on it.

to be perfectly honest I'm the most depressed/suicid*l I've ever been. A lot of that has been work related because I haven't been getting much work at the school I've been at for two years and I've been pretty disillusioned and burned out on teaching in general which is fun cause when I get work I'm miserable but I desperately need it... It's just a lot. I'm in the midst of trying to look into other work but it's really scary when teaching is essentially my first proper job.

I'm trying to get put on antidepressants because I can't afford a therapist yet but I have a bunch of other medical issues including one that means I get cysts/sores + possibly PCOS so life is just a little miserable right now.

on top of all of that we're moving in just over a week and I am so fucking stressed it's not funny lmao.

I miss being here and my friends but I also miss myself. I feel like there are little moments I feel okay but my baseline is pretty low and I'm regularly having very big panic attacks.

[jetsetkiller]

"Don't Try" from Hesitant Alien just hits so hard every time.

"Now days, they've been better, I sleep, even deader, I wake up when everyone's gone".

"Get up, get out, and be social, we can't pretend we won't go."

It perfectly captures that feeling of being in recovery, and having a shitty time, but knowing you have to push yourself to get out there and keep improving, even if it hurts. Even when you wanna rot in bed all day, and keep hurting yourself, waking up at noon when everyone's gone - but you're older and wiser now, and you have to keep pushing. It captures the bittersweet mundanity of every day life. Being depressed and in pain, but finding the silver lining, and trying to see the beauty in things. Comforting yourself, loving.

The whole album has this hazy, vintage quality to it, which makes it feel nostalgic, familiar and alien at the same time. And idk if others have caught this, but it references addiction a lot as well:

"Now, lights hurt a little, this night's been a bit of a stretch so I think I might go - just breathe in and blow."

I read this line as a reference to being drunk/hungover and being a shut-in, so when you go outside after drinking, your eyes hurt and everything is disorienting, and you want to isolate yourself. "Just breathe in and blow" makes me picture a breathalyser test.

"Sure, it takes a little mistake, all the capsules you take..."

Also another line referencing addiction, and probably antidepressants imo. Making mistakes in life and trying to learn from them. The lyrics also have themes of finding salvation in love, which is a very common theme in Gerard's writing. The song seems to tell us that it's okay to mess up, to feel depressed, to make mistakes, that it's okay to make it up as we go. That things are hard when you're older too, and it's hard sometimes, but it'll be alright.

"Grey hairs are visible, I'm kinda miserable too."

"Let's give you everything, let's find another ride home. Just give me anything, to sleep or to go."

"Make it up as we go down".

This song is a melancholic, comforting hug. It contrasts pain, suicidality, addiction, with comfort, love, and hope. It's not grandiose - it's about daily life. It helped me get through a lot in the past, so here are my random 3 am thoughts on it.

I'll never understand people who pretend like MCR or Gerard's music is immature and for pre-teens, because this stuff honestly hits harder the older you get. Weirdly under-appreciated. Anyway, stream "Don't Try".

[dutifulsilence]

You push yourself too much sometimes, I think. Just breathe, and know you're doing good. Things will still be there tomorrow when you rest, and no one will be mad about it.

ooc ; not sure if this was meant for link or for me as the mun, but it came at a decent (?) time because i'm probably going to take a week or so away from tumblr. I need that rest because I really have been pushing myself too much lately. So definitely going to be taking a break.

Apologies that I'm taking this break right after offering those starter calls, I will get to them when I'm in a better state of mind.

explanation below the cut - tw for mental illness

i ended going to urgent care today because i was having an extensive mental breakdown at work that I am still recovering from. like full on panic, crying, sensory overload, and suicidal thoughts. it was bad. UC doctor didn't seem to take me very seriously because I wasn't actively threatening to harm myself or have a plan to off myself, but he did double my antidepressants, which means I have to adjust to the higher dose and that's going to mess me up.

I will be available on discord in a couple of days - taking a small break from there as well until the weekend at least. i will not be discussing my breakdowns or how i'm doing, but if you wanna talk plots, muses, just stuff in general, great, I'm open to that.

I promise I'm not going anywhere, I'm not planning to hurt myself, I am trying my best to keep from get that bad, but in order to do that, I need to relax and step away from a lot of things - including RP.

Queue will remain going since i can't be bothered to pause it and it's just an art queue. I have drafts all put together to work on when I'm in a better mental state. Might sneak on to work on them if I feel up to it.

[jadeleechsupportgroup]

it's time once again for personal shit no one asked for below the jump

cw: mental illness, hospital mentions, suicidal ideation, suicide attempt/death

(i'm okay, i'm not doing/have not done anything dangerous, it's just getting words out)

my birthday is tomorrow. i am sad about it for reasons beyond the usual because i don't care about getting old. actually i never thought i'd make it this far but that's beside the point.

a few years ago, i was in the midst of yet another major depressive episode. this was prior to a diagnosis and any medication. i was out of town, visiting someone around thanksgiving, a 'holiday' i loathe. i was a big sad. i took a mental health assessment through my online pharmacy, and their doctor recommended i go to the emergency room immediately. (no idea who would've paid for that, but it wasn't about to be me, so i did not do that. i did schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist, though. snaps for baby rexii.)

unknown to me, and unrelated, that same day, a friend of mine several states away overdosed on her medication. she had been hoarding her antidepressants and insulin for over a month and then took it all at once. she was alone for something like 17 hours before some friends suspected danger and reached out to her family, when her son went to check on her and found her.

she was in the hospital for 10 days. she had seizures. i knew the minute i heard what had happened that she wouldn't make it, even based on my limited knowledge of medical crap.

but then i got added to the group chat and it was people all talking about how sad it was and how they were always available if someone needed to talk. and how we should all record video messages to play for her so we could 'get through' to her and encourage her to wake up from the coma.

i couldn't tell you why today any more than i could have told you three years ago, but it all disgusted me. it still does. i hate false hope. and i hate how easy it is for people to say 'my door is always open' when you know they wouldn't know how to handle a 3am phone call saying "i was going to yeet myself in front of a bus but i watched a bunch of tiktoks and discovered a podcast that seems pretty cool." without either hanging up or calling the cops on you.

that aside.

the aftermath did confirm for me that i needed to get help before i ended up doing that to people i cared about. i got meds. i leveled out (mostly). i got her tattoo on my arm. fuck, there's so much more to it that i just don't feel like typing.

they took her off of life support the day before my birthday, and that's the day she died. three years today.

and now i get to live with that forever. my birthday is hard enough being this close to The Holidays™️, and now i get to have this hanging over my head forever. i hate myself for being mad about it and making it about me when i'm the one who's still here. i hate being surrounded by relentless positivity and treated like i'm the crazy bitch. i hate so much. i am full of so much rage and despair and other feelings without names.

[compo67]

struggle bus

this is a mental health/chronically ill post/personal info dump

cn for suicidal ideations, bipolar disorder, depression, mental health

my therapist is on leave for a month, so in the meantime, i'm meeting with my DBT group leader for therapy once a week

the mental health struggle has been real this past month. lots of depression, anxiety, and voices that get so loud that tell me what's even the point of living

i struggle a lot with managing my bipolar disorder and depression. i struggle with getting dressed and showered most days. even the stimulants i'm on don't help as much as they used to before. i spent all day last saturday asleep or crying. i lost a whole day of working on my big bang, something really important to me, because i just couldn't wrangle my brain into functioning in a positive or healthy way

i'm hopeful about sitting with my psychiatrist this thursday and talking about switching antidepressants and maybe upping either the mood stabilizer or the anti-psychotic

i'm also hopeful that he'll be on board with one of the two treatments my other providers have recommended: keta and TMS

both are concerning to me, but they're both recommended for treatment resistant depression

i can't hardly picture what it's like not to be depressed

i know this might be weird to read, because i write such happy/romantic stuff, but it has been a continuous struggle to deal with being so depressed, especially in the past 2 years

i can't keep up writing or my patreon as much as i want to because i'm either too depressed or in too much pain and i just... feel like i let people down because of it

i have been avoiding doing really important paperwork (applying for financial hardship assistance and LTD stuff)

now it *has* to be turned in and the deadline is looming

coming back to this post a few hours later and i feel a bit better sharing this. it's important to me that i share not just the happy stuff but the other stuff that's going on too

i know i will get out of this spiral/flare. it's going to take time and effort, but i *want* to do it

it just gets really hard sometimes

especially when i'm under so much pressure from financial stress

like, i am doing my best to take my benefits and dig myself out of debt while at the same time trying to stay afloat with things like my car payment, car insurance, gas, phone bill, groceries, medical/dental premiums, medical expenses, and everything else

i am hopeful that doing some light SP work will be another income stream and lessen the pressure, but i can't depend on that until you know... i actually start. and who knows how many hours or projects i'll be offered and can physically do?

this flare up has just been awful. i've been flared up since the end of march and prednisone is not doing the trick, which means it's not inflammation, it's probably just EDS

i say just EDS like it's a cold or something when it's a genetic debilitating disorder/syndrome

i think EDS is one of my biggest struggles. it just takes so much energy to keep my joints together

sigh

i just want to be back working full-time, thriving and surviving on my own

but it's not possible at the moment

if i go back to work too soon, i'm just going to wind up in the same place i was in 2021--a big mess

i've been on and am still on the struggle bus

even if it's a struggle bus, i still want to stay on a bus

i still want to be "here"

even if some voices get really loud and try to convince me otherwise

if you made it this far reading, please know i appreciate it

you didn't have to read this but you did and therefore, i <3 you

things will get better.

[sewercentipede]

hello pretti human ^.^ i am interested in ket, i hope you dont mind me asking some questions... what does ketamine do for you? How long does a trip usually last? And is the trip more chill than for example mushrooms or LSD, I am a big advocate for mushrooms but I feel like I need to prepare a lot just for one trip, it takes a whole day and I need to book time away somewhere because I don't feel comfortable doing it around my flatmates, does ketamine bring similar benefits without being as 'deep' if that makes any sense? Thank you in advance!

hello! <3

1. I detail roughly what ketamine feels like based on dosage in this post but i don’t go too too much into *what it does for me*. so ill expand more now on that.

ketamine, being a dissociative, is really good at dulling, numbing, and at high enough doses even transforming into pleasure, the sensation of pain. this makes it a godsend for my crohns. nothing else even comes remotely close to the pain relief I get from ketamine when it comes to abdominal pain or during a flare. so it is a miracle drug for me. it’s also amazing with depression—in an acute sense—especially good at shutting down really intense/acute depression and suicidal thoughts even at super low dose (for eg: i was really depressed one night during a time when I was hypomanic and I felt really reckless and planned to self-harm, but then I did a line or 2 of ketamine and almost immediately all those feelings were replaced with a deep sense of calm, of everything being fine, that I was okay and i no long had any desire to do anything irrational. In more mild-moderate depression (not actively suicidal, but hopeless and can’t get out of bed vibe), ketamine is like… an immediate boost to mental wellbeing.. it helps me appreciate life as it is and the ppl in it and it makes me feel hope.

Ketamine has long been known medically/pharmacologically as a first-line therapy for treatment-resistance depression but until recently was only used in rare and emergency cases, probably (im guessing) due in part to the fact that its antidepressant effects wear off when it wears off, for the most part. In the last few years however ketamine has become a whole area of specialization in the realm of psychiatry particularly for things like depression and eating disorders, with ketamine clinics and doctors prescribing ketamine infusions (IV ketamine sessions done regularly, from twice a week to once every 2 weeks), or IM (intramuscular injection) ketamine sessions.

when I did an IV ketamine infusion (as a very depressed and anxious individual) it was incredible, I felt real joy and gratitude and appreciation and love and the ability to just enjoy the present moment and “be here now” for the first time in a long long long time. this can be achieved through other ROAs with ketamine but IV is the most intense.

when my husband did an IM ketamine session he k-holed and when he came back he said “I saw my entire life” and couldn’t really explain it further but he said that it changed his perspective on his life a lot. as soon as he got up from the K-hole he went “I understand!” Lol, but what he understood was for him alone to know.

when my dad did IM ketamine the first time the dose was too low to hole, but it made him very emotional, talk about his childhood trauma, his recently deceased mom with whom he had a super complicated relationship, etc. ketamine will do that too at low doses, it’s kinda like a release valve for trapped emotions especially grief and I think that happens to some people whose depression cuts them off from their emotions (it did The same for me when I did a medium dose after my grandpa died and it made me emotionally purge A LOT of grief). his second IM session on a higher dose made him k-hole and he became a bodyless observer going through and inside and above and around the earth. he never revealed whether or not it gave him any insight but I imagine for a guy like him (tormented by his mind) it was a nice reprieve.

the dissociative effect of ketamine makes you detach, from everything, in layers/to degrees, your thoughts, feelings, worries, mindset, your physical feelings, your body, yourself entirely; and in this detachment clarity can be found. wisdom from that clarity can be found.

2. most ROAs of ketamine last no more than 1 hour, often 45 minutes to 1 hour. After 1 hour you will basically not feel any effects anymore (although with high dose there may be lingering motor coordination effects). doing a ketamine IV infusion however (which is done at a doctors office) will last longer (closer to 3 hours) because the full ketamine dosage is being administered slowly. sublingual lozenge ketamine I also notice while have far more subdued effects, lasts longer (2-3 hours). and just straight up IVing ketamine I think also lasts a bit longer than the 1 hour (but that depends on dose too and I’ve only done a pretty high dose that way so that could be why it lasted 1.5-2 hours.) For insufflated and IM ketamine, at whatever dose reaches k-hole, it’s the standard 1 hour max.

3. Girlllllllllll don’t even get me started on mushrooms and LSD in that regard like oh my god. I can’t do shrooms without mentally and physically preparing for like a week beforehand. it’s excruciating otherwise. And it absolutely requires planning a whole day around it (carving out time AND having a good place to do it at, that wont potentially cause a bad trip).

Ketamine isn’t like that at all…… ketamine is so fucking chill. It’s not a grueling emotional experience wherein you’re traversing the labyrinth of your mind and battling your mental pitfalls or whatever. It’s more like you’re being freed of your mind and body and letting the ketamine work its magic on you.

First of all it’s an NMDA-antagonist (dissociative), not a seratonergic psychedelic, so you won’t be having those weird seratonin effects (anxiety, paranoia, sweating, jaw clenching, feeling wired and awake, having funny tummy -or urge to shit- on the come-up, etc). there’s no come up or comedown, it’s altogether very gentle and chill, evornment only matters insofar as dosage. If you want to keep it at real low doses, you can do it anywhere. If you want to do moderate to high doses, you can do it at home or a friends house but not in public (you want to be able to lie down in a safe environment). The state of the room or house doesn’t matter (idk bout you but on shrooms or acid, if im in a house and the house isn’t clean it fucks with me. Ketamine doesn’t care). you can do it around other people without you yourself being affected negatively by their presence whatsoever (if they don’t know you’re on ketamine they might be confused as to why you’re walking like a drunk robot). and you can sleep as soon as it’s over. The k-hole if anything is extremely euphoric for me, not like mdma euphoria, its different, but my god it is euphoria.

however i have heard the occasional experience of the hole being scary particularly at too-high IM doses (my BIL after a high dose IM ketamine session said he “turned into atoms and got torn apart” and the intensity of it frightened him; he kinda has control issues though and did double the normal dose of IM ket, so it does not surprise me). In other cases of bad k-holes its 99.99% of the time people accidentally k-holing at festivals, i hear it’s very unpleasant, and I imagine it would be! but that’s what you get when you don’t respect ketamine by doing too much at a festival or rave so I have no sympathy for that lol.

4. This is a bit hard to answer. Does ketamine bring similar benefits without being as deep…. Yes and no? It’s very hallucinogenic, moreso to me than lsd or shrooms, but in a very very different way. It can bring perspective shifts and insight like the other two can. But again, in a different way. I would say yes it does this stuff without being as deep, mentally, emotionally. It doesn’t feel like “work” the way shrooms or lsd do, and is less interested in forcing you to confront and overcome your thought patterns in real time. your mind and awareness is not really necessarily what the work ketamine does is dependent on. When it comes to what we know about the effect of longterm microdosing mushrooms on depression and cluster headaches (and anxiety I believe?), I don’t think ketamine has a similar effect… I could be wrong though. I don’t know the effectiveness of longterm ketamine IV infusion therapy personally; anecdotally ive heard both “this saved my life” and “this did nothing”. Then again, shrooms for depression also doesn’t necessarily work on everyone either. So yeah idk, that’s my take.

One thing though, chronic ketamine use will affect your bladder. Like itll kill bladder cells. We see this mostly only in ketamine addicts (doing lots of ketamine daily for years type of people), but it makes me wonder for people who do regular infusions for years what the possible long term effects on their bladder might be. And also makes me advise against ketamine use if you have existing renal/bladder impairment. But If this doesn’t apply or you’re not planning to snort a lot of ketamine everyday for a long time then this isn’t something I’d worry about. But I feel like I should mention it all the same.

[schizopositivity]

(hey, this is a sort of vent/ask, so before i start talking i want to put trigger warnings in case anything i say below may make you uncomfortable)

(this ask deals with depressive talk, slight mentions of suicide and self-injury, doctors, medications, brief mention of a psychiatric hospital, and possible ableism [the ableism is not true, it is me asking if something is ableist]. if any of this makes you uncomfortable, please don’t read this, and im sorry for bothering you)

hello :] i hope that you’re doing well

this is a weird thing for me to talk about but i feel it would be best for me to talk about it with someone who has been diagnosed and get your input on it (if this conversation makes you uncomfortable please do not feel obligated to answer, and im so sorry if anything i say is offensive or disrespectful; this is never my intent, but i mess up a lot and don’t realize it’s offensive and im so sorry if i offend you in any way)

a few days ago i went to a monthly meeting with my new psychiatrist (for mdd, adhd, gad, self injury). she had asked me how i have been, and i told her that i feel incredibly low and suicidal thoughts are nearly consistent thoughts, as well as having a recent relapse in self injury that was over a month clean (which is good for me). i was also on adhd meds at the time and my focus declined horribly.

she (my psychiatrist) took me off of the adhd meds, so now im just on the antidepressant

yet, she recommended to my parents that, due to my intrusive thoughts becoming too loud and me fighting back the urge to harm constantly, i should continue my antidepressant, yet add to that a small dosage of an antipsychotic

i have never been diagnosed with any form of schizophrenia, psychosis, or something else that would fall under the umbrella for what an antipsychotic is used for.

i know that she is a psychiatrist and has proper training, and i know that she understands cases like mine (a few months back i was admitted to a psychiatric unit, voluntarily, and she has worked in that exact unit before). yet, i feel ableist in a way, if that makes any sense. as if im profiting off of a medication that used for diagnoses much stronger than those of my own, and that, as my psychiatrist has said, is to help “take the edge off”.

i have no say in this, and due to the recent relapse and also another mental incident, the medication has officially been prescribed and will be at my house either today or tomorrow; yet, am i ableist for taking an antipsychotic when i have never been diagnosed with anything related to psychosis, schizophrenia, or other delusion-affecting conditions?

(idk if this will help with anything, but the medication is risperidal)

this is really messy since im just really on edge yet i just wanna say again that if anything in this upsets you i am so sorry

if you read this far, thank you for listening to me. wishing you all the best

No need to apologize! I like genuine questions :)

It is not ableist at all to take a medication that's prescribed to you. They want you to take it because they think it will benefit you. You aren't doing anything wrong or offensive. You are just treating your symptoms with medication prescribed to you, you deserve to take it as much as anyone else.

Plus lots of nonpsychotic people take antipsychotics for reasons other than psychosis. It's been shown to be effective in people with bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety and dementia. (I would link more info but all I can find are very lengthy and difficult to read medical essays, if you are interested you can search up "antipsychotics for anxiety" and they will pop up).

Part of my goal for this blog is to destigmatize anything to do with schizo-spec disorders, psychosis, and treatments for those things. So normalizing the use of antipsychotics in nonpsychotic people is part of that. It's likely that a lot more people than you think take antipsychotics for its various uses, and all of that is normal and should be talked about openly and free of stigma.

Also if you want follow up advice on how antipsychotics might impact you and the side effects and stuff you can reach out to me in DM or another ask and I can do my best to help (since I have been on that exact med before).

[scouts-mockingbird]

Antidepressant Discontinuation Syndrome

I made a post earlier with some little jokes about the things I've noticed since adjusting my meds, a thing I am doing under the care of my provider, not just willy-nilly. Still, I was told that going off Escitalopram (Lexapro) would be very minor. I might experience some nausea or mood swings, but that would only last a couple days and afterwards I would be feeling fine, espcially because the other antidepressant I take will still be doing its job.

I don't think my doctor was lying, but by god was she WRONG. I'm writing this not as a warning, but just as an informative post about my personal experience with ADS, a thing that, again, I was not warned about at all. I only knew to look it up because I'm a mental health professional, but I had NO idea what the physical symptoms were.

"Don't go off your meds," they say, and they cite anxiety, mood swings, self injury or suicidal ideation. Since I wasn't worried about those (again, I'm still on another antidepressant, and my symptoms are managed with therapy and other stuff) I was told I'd be fine.

I have been dizzy every time I've moved, even just turning my head, for the last three days. I experience intense vertigo, so much so that I've had to stop going up or down stairs. My head feels like a salt shaker. There are tiny grains of sand in there, rattling around and making it hard to think (I don't know how else to describe this, but from what I've read, it's common with ADS). I haven't kept food down except water and tea for two days.

And there's the insomnia. It's brutal. I haven't slept more than two hours a night for four days straight. I haven't gone this hard since I was in college, and my body is not equipped to recover from this anymore. Add to that that I can't take time off of work right now? A disaster.

I'm not trying to frighten anyone away from making changes to their meds, I'm trying to expand out on WHY people are always saying "don't quit your meds". I like good strong reasoning when people are telling me not to do things, so here's a good reason. Your body might feel terrible.

(because this does not happen to everyone! I'm in the lower 25% of people who go off ordinary doses of lexapro in experiencing these symptoms to the degree that I am)

You want to know what else? We don't know how long this will be happening to me. It might be over in a few days. It might last three months. No one has done longitudinal studies on ADS (at least that I could find).

So yeah, research ADS, tell people it exists. Don't quit Lexapro without talking to your doctor and warning the people closest to you, just in case. And if you're going through this, or have gone through it, feel free to expand on your experience in my inbox or comments. I'd love other perspectives

[vizthedatum]

My PMDD symptoms may be starting up again (it is the end of the month, but my cycle is just so erratic) - my psychiatrist told me to take my lithium (300 mg) on an as-needed basis: basically once a day, any time I feel suicidal ideation (read here about a post I made last year about my PMDD symptoms).

I have taken my lithium this morning. It just feels so disheartening to take it even though it really does help (it's one of the only antidepressants out of the many I've tried that helps). Several therapists and healthcare professionals have told me that I should have no shame in taking it.

The PMDD affects me so much - I am genuinely worried about my safety a lot, but since my energy levels go down more than usual, I'm pretty passive to do anything about it.

--

I wonder, when I finally go on T (testosterone) if these symptoms will subside. Especially the mental warpiness that happens, you know? I have heard and read about it happening to some people, including some friends of various genders.

Especially those who are intersex.

I have long suspected (and have identified with this community) that I'm intersex based on my hormones (I also have PCOS), but that is heavily debated and contested in medical communities even though many PCOS-havers identify as intersex.

I have been told (my ob-gyn confirmed after my endometriosis surgery) that I should be able to have children as long as I can get pregnant and have appropriate care (my fertility is affected by my PCOS). I may have a completely healthy pregnancy, to be honest. But I'm not sure either.

But like... What if my WHOLE LIFE changes once I go on T - what if I become healthier (this happens to a lot of people!)?! What if it gives me the actual freedom to be as genderfluid and as authentically me as I'd like to be (I mean, I'm sure it will)?

--

It just sucks because I was on a hiatus from all medication (except for my bladder instillations and dietary supplements) from December to March roughly.

There were reasons for the hiatus (I thought I was pregnant).

But I was just like... (as my friend says) rawdogging life.

I have made an incredible amount of progress in my healing journey the past 2 years, but I still struggle with all my chronic health issues.

I wish I could just journal/vent away this. I wish I could just exercise/diet myself out of this. I wish I could just SNAP out of it.

I know that's so internally ableist.

And with all the trauma and the circumstances of my life, I can't just wish away the symptoms of PMDD. Many times, I can't power through.

I know it's not shameful to take my lithium, but I wish I didn't have to.

And I wish I didn't have to investigate other medical options for when I do get pregnant (I refuse to take lithium if I'm trying or pregnant).

--

But it's a tool that's helping me survive and function.

So here I am.

[holdoncallfailed]

maybe it’s just the antidepressants magically working better than before but i swear to god you really do feel part of your brain click into place when you’re twenty-five. all of a sudden i wake up naturally at 8am and feel compelled to make my bed. all of a sudden i’m tired of eating pasta and canned soup for every meal and am actually motivated to finally teach myself how to cook...and i like it? i like eating proper meals. i like keeping my room and apartment tidy. i like doing laundry in a timely fashion. talking on the phone and making appointments are no longer massive projects that drain me of energy for the rest of the day. even very simple things are now automatic because they feel worth the tiny tiny tiny bit of extra effort: hanging my jacket up properly in the closet rather than just slinging it over the back of a chair as soon as i get home and waiting to hang it up later. all these mundane tasks that either youth or mental illness had previously rendered as arduous—to the point that it made me sick and suicidal to imagine having to do them for the rest of my life—feel doable and even sometimes pleasant to complete. idk...i never believed that shit people said before about suddenly caring about your life when you hit your mid-twenties but now i’m like. well maybe it was true after all