#been having a major fatigue and pain episode like i did at the end of 2022 and not only is it sucking the life out of me (derogatory)

[unspuncreature]

anakin in lingerie WIP

[bipolarediaz]

hello! I'd love to know more about specific moments that convinced you that eddie is bipolar

so if you don't mind me asking, what are three moments that really stand out to you?

hi hello I love this so much, I've been thinking about this all morning, thank you!!

a lot of it isn't specific moments but more the combination of things that build up over time, but if I had to pick three specific things (not necessarily in order)...

eddie begins--a lot of the flashbacks we see definitely give me hints of it. specifically, we have a very clearly depressed eddie after he comes back to el paso, with him struggling to connect with his loved ones, withdrawing into himself even more than usual. he doesn't smile much in the flashbacks, at least not other than when chris is born. but then, we come to the present during that episode, and we see eddie making impulsive decisions (insisting that he go down in the first place, then cutting his line, naming buck as guardian the next day without thinking about it or talking to buck first, etc) it's not as bad as the impulsive decisions from earlier in s3, but I do think that he was at the tail end of his manic episode at that point in the season, and was still making impulsive decisions because of it. the contrast between depressed past eddie and somewhat manic/hypomanic present-day eddie is a good example of both sides.

also from s3, we have not just the fact that eddie joined a cage fighting ring, but also specifically the way that it ends. he is, once again, not thinking through his actions in the slightest. he has all this pent up energy and all these feelings he doesn't know how to manage, and he literally doesn't know how to stop himself. he's like an impending train crash. in the dsm, this particular symptom is described specifically as "Excessive involvement in activities that have a high potential for painful consequences." and that's exactly what's happening. it's excessive, it's something he can't control, and it's causing him actual serious pain and negatively impacting his life. but even though it's negatively impacting it, he doesn't stop. you see this kind of thing a lot in bipolar in excessive spending or gambling, hypersexuality, etc, but it's no different in this situation. he goes completely over the top with it, completely uncaring about the impending consequences. it also leans a bit into grandiosity, with him thinking, at least a little bit, that he is untouchable during this time. and everyone in his life notices it, even if he brushes them off when they try to bring it up. he's noticeably different from normal, in so many ways, that it's impossible to ignore.

and, of course, I've talked before about just how much 5x11 and 5x13 in particular give me those vibes. he's displaying almost every sign of a major depressive episode with mixed features throughout those tow episodes. he's irritable, he's restless, he makes impulsive decisions without thinking about the consequences, all things that we see during his fight with bobby in particular and during the opening montage. but he's also depressed--he's fatigued, he's feeling completely hopeless and worthless, he isn't finding joy in his life anymore, he's isolating himself just like he did back after his tours, and we see hints of suicidal thoughts as well. we've seen all these symptoms from him before, between flashbacks and s3 (and 5a honestly), it's just that now he's got symptoms of both sides of it at the same time, and that's why it hits him so hard when he breaks down. his depression in particular is just so noticeable during 5b, with everyone in his life commenting on it, and there's just no way of denying that he was severely depressed.

bonus reason because I'm never going to be over how much of a missed opportunity it was: in fear-o-phobia, we have that woman through the whole episode who is set up as a clear parallel to eddie, to the point that he intentionally listens in on the call and notices it himself. and the way they do it... is by basically going through every single symptom of bipolar disorder like it's a goddamn checklist, with her sister even saying how much she's "changed" with her acting the way that she was. and then they just... didn't do it. I'm still annoyed by it and I will be forever, thank you.

even with this I feel like I went beyond just "specific moments" lmao, but honestly that's just how it is--if it's just one or two specific moments, that doesn't really indicate anything when it comes to bipolar disorder. it's about persistent mood changes that are noticeably different from your normal, and about sustained changes. it's the long-term arc and the ups and downs eddie's gone through since s2, and the way that things piled up and changed over time, the clear differences we see in how he acts at various points in his life that indicate there's a lot more going on than just normal level mood fluctuations that everyone experiences.

[joydemorra]

Frequently Asked Questions

Welcome to the FAQ. Here are some of the most often asked questions in my inbox.

- Who are you, and what am I doing here? Hello, I’m Joy, and this is my little corner of the internet. You may know me from such viral posts as Crucifix Nail Nipples, Robin Williams punching death eaters, or from my advocacy work where I focus on issues of disability, chronic illness, and neurodivergency. You may also know me from my international best-selling novel about vampires and werewolves kissing.

In which case, the vampire nipple thing probably comes as a bit of a shock. I also co-host @theayesphere, an interactive podcast with my bestie @ayeforscotland, on his Twitch channel.

If you genuinely do not know how you got here, welcome anyway. I hope you find a reason to stay.

- I sent you a message, and you never responded! I’m sorry about that. I get a lot of mail daily, and it’s impossible to keep up with. It’s not a reflection of you or my regard for you. I appreciate every kind word and message of support sent my way, even if I can’t always reply to it.

I am but a humble peddler of smut who never expected to have a viral blog. I’m also multiply disabled, so the struggle to keep up is real.

- So, what’s wrong with you? How long have you got?

The quick answer is I have a connective tissue disorder known as Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), comorbid with Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS). All three were diagnosed in 2020 after a lifelong struggles with chronic pain, chronic fatigue, fainting episodes and what I thought was asthma and chronic vomitting but actually turned out to be slow-acting idiopathic anaphylaxis. I am now on a treatment plan and am considered stable.

In late 2022 after losing the entire year to debilitating migraines, I was also diagnosed with atypical Binocular Vision Disorder by a neuro-ophthalmologist. This was a major root cause of my chronic migraines which had been missed by both a regular ophthalmologists and several neurologists. My case was considered ‘atypical’ because I did not present with the classic double vision symptoms checked for by most ophthalmologists. But upon extensive testing by the neuro-ophthalmologist, the misalignment in my eyes was diagnosed correctly and I was prescribed micro-prism glasses. I was also prescribed red-tinted lenses to help with extreme photophobia, as red blocks more blue light than other colors.

After three months of screen rest and allowing my eyes to adjust to the lenses – as well as extensive vision therapy–my monthly migraine count went from 20+ migraines a month down to 3. My remaining migraines appear to be hormonal in nature, but I have found that taking 400mg of b2 (riboflavin) a day, as prescribed by my neurologist, has greatly reduced the pain.

Despite the recent progress in my treatment, I am still a very sick, very fatigued individual and struggle to keep up with life sometimes.

I also have chronic ‘double depression’, cPTSD and ADHD, leaning more toward the hyper end of the spectrum. So I’m doubly cursed with a slow, slow body and a fast, fast mind that sometimes wants to yeet itself off a cliff. It’s an Experience. All of my posts pertaining to mental health are tagged as #mental health. Most of my ADHD stuff can be found under #adult adhd.

You can read more about my health issues by following my #chronic health tag or blacklist if you prefer! I also have one for my teeth #chronic health tag: teeth, though that one is less active since the nerve damage in my jaw was resolved.

- Why do you use affiliate links? Good question! There are a lot of hidden costs that go into indie publishing, and a large part of that is what we lose to places like Amazon in fees. Using affiliate links to promote our work allows authors to recoup some of that loss from our royalties, though not quite all of it. The links don’t cost you anything, nor do they tell me anything about your private data or shopping habits. They’re just a way for me to claw money back directly from Amazon. I try to limit how often I link to Amazon as the only thing I’m interested in peddling are my weres. And maybe a couple of vampires while I’m at it.

- Who is ETD/Mothman?

ETD/Mothman was the name my blog gave to my husband several years ago when my blog started getting popular. He has since joined Tumblr, and you can follow his shenanigans @mothman-etd

- Wait, you wrote a book?! I did! Hunger Pangs: True Love Bites is a 2x international best-selling paranormal, pun-filled polyamorous queer romance series with elements of Gaslamp fantasy and political satire. It features vampires, werewolves, and several other manner of creatures that go bump in the night. It has been described by those who have read it as “like reading the queer-goth-punk love child of Terry Pratchett meets Jane Austen. You can read more about it here or check out my website. The primary tag used by the fandom here on Tumblr is #Phangs.

- Vampires or werewolves? Why not both? \_(ツ)_/

- Hi, I want to support your work! Which purchase method best supports you? Any way you choose to purchase my books helps me! Purchasing through my Payhip or Gumroad nets me the most money, but purchasing through sites like Amazon contributes to my sales ranking, which increases my chances of trending in the algorithm and gaining a wider audience. Reviews are also a fantastic way to support an author, as is word of mouth.

Please note, I will be phasing out the Gumroad links following their stance on NFTS and the ensuing behavior of their CEO on Twitter. This should not affect your files. If, for some reason, you lose your digital copy and Gumroad won’t let you download it again via your email link, please reach out to me at info @ joydemorra.com

- Can I write fanfic/create fanart of your work? Please do! I want nothing more for you to enjoy my work to the point of creation. Just be careful not to tag me in any fanfic, and please don’t send me any headcanons. If someone accidentally guesses my plot and shows it to me, it can risk any of my future book plans. Keep fandom discussions within fandom. The author is (un)dead, and their opinion doesn’t matter. If you make fanart, you can tag me in that, but please don’t link to your Patreon or Ko-Fi in the post where I can see it. If I see you are making a profit from my work, I am legally obligated to file a takedown. If I do not see any such links, which may or may not exist in any reblogs I am not immediately tagged in, we do not have a problem. 🙈🙈🙈

- Can I cosplay your characters and tag you? Absolutely! Just make sure you follow the above advice about Ko-Fi and Patreon links.

- Will you sign my copy of [____] If this is post-pandemic times and we are at a meet and greet, yes! I’ll also have bookplates for sale soon that you can insert into your copies or do with them as you please.

- Are you going to turn any of your books into audiobooks? Yes! My audiobooks are narrated by Catherine Bilson (aka @caitlynlynch) and you can find them listed under my buy link options.

- Why do you write two versions of the same story? Glad you asked! I write two versions of all my stories so that people who enjoy sex scenes can enjoy them, and those who prefer not to read depictions of sexual acts don’t need to skip pages to avoid the more explicit scenes. You can read more about my decision to do this here.

- Help! I bought the wrong version! Most of my retailers will allow you to return the book for a full refund, freeing you to purchase the correct copy. If you bought a copy through my Gumroad or Payhip, drop me a line at info @ joydemorra.com, and we’ll get it resolved :)

- You’re an editor, right? Will you look at my manuscript? Regrettably, I am not taking on any new clients at the moment, but if you would like to check out my editors, you can fine them at @roselarkpublishing

- When will you be editing again? When I have the mental and physical capacity greater than the depth of a teaspoon.

- When is your next book coming out? When I have the mental and physical capacity greater than the depths of a teaspoon. (Sorry, I know I’m taking too long.)

- Will you reblog my donation post? I’m afraid that due to the high volume of requests that I get (anywhere from 5-20 a day), I am currently only reblogging donation posts from mutuals. I’m sorry. There are just too many for me to keep up with without flooding my dash. But please do look into @copperbadge’s Radio Free Monday, which I always try to reblog. The submission form is here, and Sam wrote a guide on how to write fundraising posts here.

- What’s your favorite book? Feet of Clay by Terry Pratchett. Closely followed by Going Postal by Terry Pratchett and Howl’s Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones.

- What’s your favorite movie? Singin’ in the Rain!

- Favorite music? I’ve been listening to The Amazing Devil on loop for over eighteen months, so it’s safe to say I like them.

- Why do you use Amazon? Aren’t they evil incarnate?!?

They are, but they’re also the biggest-selling platform for eBooks for indie and trad authors and not using them is career suicide. If you don’t like Amazon, I have plenty of other platforms for you to use, including directly from my Payhip, which allows you to use Kindle without giving Jeff Bezos a penny.

- Can I send you something I made/thought you might like? Sure! My PO Box is:

JOY DEMORRA # 250 2038 FORD PARKWAY SAINT PAUL MN 55116

- I saw you from the essential oil discourse and was just wondering… Please have pity on my chronic fatigue and refer to the master list post compiled very kindly by @paradoxanomalyenigma. You may find that I have already answered your question. If not, come ask me!

- Why did you move from Scotland to the US? I met and fell and love with Mothman. Originally we were going to live in the UK, but they changed the immigration laws six weeks before our wedding, and it ended up being more accessible for me to move here than for him to move there. Ideally, we would both like to have dual citizenship one day.

- Does Mothman really believe in me? Always.

- Are you Wiccan? No, I’m a pagan who identifies as a secular witch and have been for the last 20+ years. I don’t hold to any particular creed or belief. The gods might well exist. I’ve just got little time for them.

- Can you post to your bad luck chain-mail spell breaker? It makes me feel better. Here you go! Here’s my other curse breaker post if you want it, too.

[thebibliosphere]

Frequently Asked Questions

Welcome to the FAQ. Here are some of the most often asked questions in my inbox.

- Who are you, and what am I doing here? Hello, I’m Joy, and this is my little corner of the internet. You may know me from such viral posts as Crucifix Nail Nipples, Robin Williams punching death eaters, or from my advocacy work where I focus on issues of disability, chronic illness, and neurodivergency. You may also know me from my international best-selling novel about vampires and werewolves kissing. 

In which case, the vampire nipple thing probably comes as a bit of a shock. I also co-host @theayesphere, an interactive podcast with my bestie @ayeforscotland, on his Twitch channel.

If you genuinely do not know how you got here, welcome anyway. I hope you find a reason to stay.

- I sent you a message, and you never responded! I’m sorry about that. I get a lot of mail daily, and it’s impossible to keep up with. It’s not a reflection of you or my regard for you. I appreciate every kind word and message of support sent my way, even if I can’t always reply to it.

I am but a humble peddler of smut who never expected to have a viral blog. I’m also multiply disabled, so the struggle to keep up is real.

- So, what’s wrong with you? How long have you got? 

The quick answer is I have a connective tissue disorder known as Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), comorbid with Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS). All three were diagnosed in 2020 after a lifelong struggles with chronic pain, chronic fatigue, fainting episodes and what I thought was asthma and chronic vomitting but actually turned out to be slow-acting idiopathic anaphylaxis. I am now on a treatment plan and am considered stable.

In late 2022 after losing the entire year to debilitating migraines, I was also diagnosed with atypical Binocular Vision Disorder by a neuro-ophthalmologist. This was a major root cause of my chronic migraines which had been missed by both a regular ophthalmologists and several neurologists. My case was considered ‘atypical’ because I did not present with the classic double vision symptoms checked for by most ophthalmologists. But upon extensive testing by the neuro-ophthalmologist, the misalignment in my eyes was diagnosed correctly and I was prescribed micro-prism glasses. I was also prescribed red-tinted lenses to help with extreme photophobia, as red blocks more blue light than other colors.

After three months of screen rest and allowing my eyes to adjust to the lenses -- as well as extensive vision therapy--my monthly migraine count went from 20+ migraines a month down to 3. My remaining migraines appear to be hormonal in nature, but I have found that taking 400mg of b2 (riboflavin) a day, as prescribed by my neurologist, has greatly reduced the pain.

Despite the recent progress in my treatment, I am still a very sick, very fatigued individual and struggle to keep up with life sometimes.

I also have chronic ‘double depression’, cPTSD and ADHD, leaning more toward the hyper end of the spectrum. So I’m doubly cursed with a slow, slow body and a fast, fast mind that sometimes wants to yeet itself off a cliff. It’s an Experience. All of my posts pertaining to mental health are tagged as #mental health. Most of my ADHD stuff can be found under #adult adhd.

You can read more about my health issues by following my #chronic health tag or blacklist if you prefer! I also have one for my teeth #chronic health tag: teeth, though that one is less active since the nerve damage in my jaw was resolved.

- Why do you use affiliate links? Good question! There are a lot of hidden costs that go into indie publishing, and a large part of that is what we lose to places like Amazon in fees. Using affiliate links to promote our work allows authors to recoup some of that loss from our royalties, though not quite all of it. The links don’t cost you anything, nor do they tell me anything about your private data or shopping habits. They’re just a way for me to claw money back directly from Amazon. I try to limit how often I link to Amazon as the only thing I’m interested in peddling are my weres. And maybe a couple of vampires while I’m at it.

- Who is ETD/Mothman?

ETD/Mothman was the name my blog gave to my husband several years ago when my blog started getting popular. He has since joined Tumblr, and you can follow his shenanigans @mothman-etd

- Wait, you wrote a book?! I did! Hunger Pangs: True Love Bites is a 2x international best-selling paranormal, pun-filled polyamorous queer romance series with elements of Gaslamp fantasy and political satire. It features vampires, werewolves, and several other manner of creatures that go bump in the night. It has been described by those who have read it as “like reading the queer-goth-punk love child of Terry Pratchett meets Jane Austen. You can read more about it here or check out my website. The primary tag used by the fandom here on Tumblr is #Phangs.

- Vampires or werewolves? Why not both? \_(ツ)_/

- Hi, I want to support your work! Which purchase method best supports you? Any way you choose to purchase my books helps me! Purchasing through my Payhip or Gumroad nets me the most money, but purchasing through sites like Amazon contributes to my sales ranking, which increases my chances of trending in the algorithm and gaining a wider audience. Reviews are also a fantastic way to support an author, as is word of mouth.

Please note, I will be phasing out the Gumroad links following their stance on NFTS and the ensuing behavior of their CEO on Twitter. This should not affect your files. If, for some reason, you lose your digital copy and Gumroad won’t let you download it again via your email link, please reach out to me at info @ joydemorra.com

- Can I write fanfic/create fanart of your work? Please do! I want nothing more for you to enjoy my work to the point of creation. Just be careful not to tag me in any fanfic, and please don’t send me any headcanons. If someone accidentally guesses my plot and shows it to me, it can risk any of my future book plans. Keep fandom discussions within fandom. The author is (un)dead, and their opinion doesn’t matter. If you make fanart, you can tag me in that, but please don’t link to your Patreon or Ko-Fi in the post where I can see it. If I see you are making a profit from my work, I am legally obligated to file a takedown. If I do not see any such links, which may or may not exist in any reblogs I am not immediately tagged in, we do not have a problem. 🙈🙈🙈

- Can I cosplay your characters and tag you? Absolutely! Just make sure you follow the above advice about Ko-Fi and Patreon links.

- Will you sign my copy of [____] If this is post-pandemic times and we are at a meet and greet, yes! I’ll also have bookplates for sale soon that you can insert into your copies or do with them as you please.

 - Are you going to turn any of your books into audiobooks? Yes! My audiobooks are narrated by Catherine Bilson (aka @caitlynlynch) and you can find them listed under my buy link options.

- Why do you write two versions of the same story? Glad you asked! I write two versions of all my stories so that people who enjoy sex scenes can enjoy them, and those who prefer not to read depictions of sexual acts don’t need to skip pages to avoid the more explicit scenes. You can read more about my decision to do this here.

- Help! I bought the wrong version! Most of my retailers will allow you to return the book for a full refund, freeing you to purchase the correct copy. If you bought a copy through my Gumroad or Payhip, drop me a line at info @ joydemorra.com, and we’ll get it resolved :)

- You’re an editor, right? Will you look at my manuscript? Regrettably, I am not taking on any new clients at the moment, but if you would like to check out my editors, you can fine them at @roselarkpublishing

- When will you be editing again? When I have the mental and physical capacity greater than the depth of a teaspoon.

- When is your next book coming out? When I have the mental and physical capacity greater than the depths of a teaspoon. (Sorry, I know I’m taking too long.)

- Will you reblog my donation post? I’m afraid that due to the high volume of requests that I get (anywhere from 5-20 a day), I am currently only reblogging donation posts from mutuals. I’m sorry. There are just too many for me to keep up with without flooding my dash. But please do look into @copperbadge’s Radio Free Monday, which I always try to reblog. The submission form is here, and Sam wrote a guide on how to write fundraising posts here.

- What’s your favorite book? Feet of Clay by Terry Pratchett. Closely followed by Going Postal by Terry Pratchett and Howl’s Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones.

- What’s your favorite movie? Singin’ in the Rain!

- Favorite music? I’ve been listening to The Amazing Devil on loop for over eighteen months, so it’s safe to say I like them.

- Why do you use Amazon? Aren’t they evil incarnate?!?

They are, but they’re also the biggest-selling platform for eBooks for indie and trad authors and not using them is career suicide. If you don’t like Amazon, I have plenty of other platforms for you to use, including directly from my Payhip, which allows you to use Kindle without giving Jeff Bezos a penny.

- Can I send you something I made/thought you might like? Sure! My PO Box is:

JOY DEMORRA # 250 2038 FORD PARKWAY SAINT PAUL MN 55116

- I saw you from the essential oil discourse and was just wondering… Please have pity on my chronic fatigue and refer to the master list post compiled very kindly by @paradoxanomalyenigma. You may find that I have already answered your question. If not, come ask me!

- Why did you move from Scotland to the US? I met and fell and love with Mothman. Originally we were going to live in the UK, but they changed the immigration laws six weeks before our wedding, and it ended up being more accessible for me to move here than for him to move there. Ideally, we would both like to have dual citizenship one day.

- Does Mothman really believe in me? Always.

- Are you Wiccan? No, I’m a pagan who identifies as a secular witch and have been for the last 20+ years. I don’t hold to any particular creed or belief. The gods might well exist. I’ve just got little time for them.

- Can you post to your bad luck chain-mail spell breaker? It makes me feel better. Here you go! Here’s my other curse breaker post if you want it, too.

[danielxricciardo]

Can you do one with Max, with 46 and 55 from angst list?

Summary: You are suffering from depression and Max tries to be by your side

Warnings: angst, swearing, mentions of suicide, depression

Word count: 3.6k+

46. “I’ll leave, and the world will move on. I just wish I could see it. See how much better everything is when I’m gone.”

55. “You’re good at finding things. Find me a reason to stay.”

Depression feels like a lot of things.

It feels like sadness, which is what everyone will tell you. It's a pretty common thread.

"I'm worthless."

"Everyone thinks I'm a horrible burden."

So on and so forth.

Everyone in the world is happy but you, and in the end, you are a worthless piece of shit that doesn't belong in this otherwise glorious and happy place. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you are lying there on your bed in the same unlaundered pair of pajamas, wondering why you are even allowed to keep living any longer. Some meteor strikes or lightning bolts should be reserved for people like you because you are taking up space and oxygen and food and other resources that real, happy, productive people need.

It feels like emptiness. You have all these possibilities and none of them seem interesting. You could do some art, or play some music, but that just doesn't feel right. There's no joy in it. You could have sex with your significant other, but you can't muster up the desire. You could play video games, or read a book. But what's the point? There's no real benefit to all of it but passing the time. You could get up and make lunch. But no, you're not that hungry, and if you close your eyes, time will pass a little faster. You can lie there. That works. It doesn't require active effort to do something fruitless. Everything is as empty and fruitless as lying and staring out your window at the clouds and the shifting shadows of tree branches, and so why do anything else?

It feels like fatigue. Standing up out of your bed requires the same amount of bodily effort as climbing several flights of stairs. Managing to get dressed and walk outside is like running a race. Heaven helps you if you try to go to the store or a friend's house -- that may as well be on the other side of the continent. Every step is heavy. Every muscle motion requires ten times the work it used to. Exercise becomes difficult, and control over your body expires quickly. You become clumsier, so heavy lifting is right out. You daze out randomly, daydreaming, even dozing, so biking or running is hard. You feel most at home when you are entirely relaxed, so you lie down...and don't get up again until something like your bladder compels you.

It feels like a loss of control. You have no idea why your brain and body are doing this. You don't want to feel sad. Nobody wants to feel shitty and tired and empty all the time. People will look at you and say, "It's like you don't want to get better." Those people are idiots. You truly, deeply, from the bottom of your soul, have no idea why this has happened or what to do. It's not logical. It makes no sense. You woke up like this, or it crept in overtime or something like that. It's like a fog, a force of nature that sweeps in, occludes everything, and there's not one thing you can do about it from where you stand. Trying feels like taking a paper fan outside and trying to blow away the morning mist. Someone has tied puppet strings to your brain and is playing this hideous dance with it, and you don't have the scissors to cut them away. The dance doesn't make sense; it's arbitrary and rhythmless. If you had any sort of reasoning behind it, you could take control. But you don't.

It feels like desperation. You can't find a way out. You lie there at night, keening into your pillow like a wounded animal, making all sorts of noises that no human being should be able to make. You claw and scratch at the sheets, or at yourself, as the pain wrings itself out through bodily expression. The tears won't stop. You don't know why. All you know is that it hurts, it really and truly hurts, and you think if it goes on any longer, you're going to die. Right there. Bleed out on the floor. So you grab up your phone, and you call someone at 4 AM, and you beg them to please just make it stop. You bury yourself in books and movies because at least then you can imagine something else than yourself. You read nonstop. You have to have your fix. It's like an addiction, no, more like a life support machine. Otherworlds, fantasies of happiness, and real experiences that aren't your horrible existence become the iron lung keeping air flowing in and out. You are alive because you can stop thinking for a while. Your friends come over to comfort you. Their stories keep you sane and well, like dialysis for all the toxins in you. Your mind has failed at being independent, and now it relies on a thousand little machines to keep itself running. You rely on one machine until another comes to save you. You read books until your friends come by. You stretch out your time with friends until you have to bury yourself in a movie again just to keep the thought of real-life away.

It feels like untamed anger. Your friends can't keep this up forever. You fall further and further, and you eventually start dropping commitments. You have become That Person, the flake that everyone knows will back out. People start getting annoyed at you, annoyed at how they have to spend so much time just keeping you afloat, annoyed at how often you're causing them trouble by constantly disappearing and backing out of appointments, and so on. Your workplace gets annoyed at your lack of productivity. And then you can't take it anymore, and you want to scream at them, grab them by the throat and shake them because IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! You start having twisted fantasies, the ones where you walk up to that person who keeps telling you he can't do this anymore, you're just too unreliable, putting a gun to your head and pulling the trigger. Just to make him know, for once, that FUCK HIM, your problems are REAL, DAMMIT, REAL, and he better FUCKING RESPECT that. And when you're gone, he'll fall to his knees and cry, and he'll say, he wishes he had understood, that he didn't mean to be so unkind, and the scar on his heart from his own failure will remain fresh and knotted for eternity. And then you shake yourself out of the daydream, and you wonder why you have turned into such a horrible person, someone who even considers ending their own life just to spite another human being. Then it creeps back in, the knowledge that the world is getting fed up with you...and the cycle begins again. You start thriving off these daydreams, because at the very least if you can't be happy, you can throw caution to the wind and get the petty, oddly satisfying revenge buried under all those layers of morality that are becoming worn and flaking away. It's just a fantasy, right? And it helps pass the time...

It feels like forever. You have forgotten what it's like to truly be joyful. You can imagine it, but it's not really you in those thoughts. This is who you are. This is your life. This is you.

It feels like you have only one thing truly under your power: your existence. You cannot choose what life throws at you. Your brain and body have betrayed you. Your friends have worn away, and you've fled from your job and any commitments you have.

It feels empowering. You can jump whenever you want.

But he accepted you the way you are. He never reproached you for negatively influencing his mentality or life, even though you knew he felt it too. He always listened to you, he was with you even at 2 in the morning when you were crying on the bathroom floor with your knees to your chest, and you knew it wasn't right. It wasn't right for him to go through, basically, what you were going through. But no matter how much you told him you could do it without his help, Max was coming back more insistently than ever.

He came up with the idea to start therapy. "You have to find out why you feel this way. Go at least once, see how it is, if you don't like it or feel that it doesn't help you, you will give up, okay?" That was a year and a half ago.

The psychologist gave you a diagnosis from the first session: Major Depressive Disorder. Sure you knew what the three words meant, but you didn't know what it meant to have a label on your condition.

"A major depressive disorder is characterized by one or more of these depressive episodes. the diagnosis of major depressive disorder requires depressed mood or anhedonia which is the loss of interest in pleasure and five or more signs or symptoms for the SIGECAPS mnemonic for a 2-week period. (SIGECAPS) Sleep Disturbance, loss of Interest, feeling Guilty, feeling fatigued and low in Energy, having decreased Concentration, decreased or increased Appetite and been agitated and slow and having Suicidal ideation."

It sounds incredible to you. Suicidal thoughts? Not everyone has a thought, somewhere, behind their mind 'What if I disappeared?'

You were prescribed Prozac and Zoloft and it helped. You weren't always sad anymore, you could go to the races with Max and support him as a normal girlfriend does. You apologized to my friends who tried to help me and whose lives you made impossible and you managed to get back to work, from home anyway. Sure, you still had moments when you felt like you weren't 100% yourself but not like before. You did therapy twice a week and the psychologist was happy with your evolution.

But being the stupid ass that you are, you stopped taking the medication. You took the last pill on Friday. Because you were fine. You felt ok, everyone around you told you you were better, you were doing amazing, so you were cured, right? Or so you thought. Saturday was normal. Sunday was not. Your mood and energy were very low. You woke up at like 2 in the afternoon. That is not unusual for you. You’re used to it. You were sad. You were exhausted. You knew that feeling like this was “no excuse” so you tried to force yourself to do it anyway. Typical of your life. You feel like you had already taken so much off work because of the triple-header, you were for three weeks attached to the hips with Max.

The only thing you thought of was dying. And that terrified you. And Max senses something was wrong. But he didn't want to tell something and ending up being wrong and you being upset by his misinterpretation. But, yes, he sensed that you were becoming your old self.

"Hey, babe," he snapped you out of your daydreaming. A tragic one, where you were finally at peace and Max was crying for you. You were on the verge of crying yourself at the mere image of Max in your head. But you pushed it far from your mind, somewhere in a dark corner for you to find it at an appropriate time to fantasize about your dying. "How about we go to a picnic? It's sunny outside."

Yes, the wheater was amazing. It was finally summer and you could go outside and spend some time with Max. But your brain literally is tricking you into thinking you don't deserve to enjoy the sunny day. Why? You don't have an answer.

"I'm not really in the mood, Max. Sorry."

You are not in the mood. That was his affirmation. You are not ok.

"You feeling good?"

"Yeah. Just tired I guess."

"But you just woke up."

You shrugged. He was right. You just woke up, so why do you feel like you were carrying a ton of bricks on your shoulders? You couldn't walk. You almost felt like 18 months ago. And that is when it hit you. And Max, at the same time.

"Still taking your meds, I hope."

Silence. Your mind was like overcrowded and you couldn’t take it anymore. You grabbed your head and pulled your hair because you wanted it to stop. You were thinking that you didn’t know what to think. You didn’t know how to think. You didn’t know how you felt. You were like anxious-depressed-angry-miserable-irritable all in one. Your head was spinning with thoughts. Thoughts were talking over thoughts. So fast that you couldn’t even make out one complete sentence. It was just too much for you to handle. You just wanted someone to kill you.

Max came to you and he hugged you so hard you thought he could crush your bones right there and then. You calmed down eventually. But now you were embarrassed. Because Max saw you, again, at your lowest. Because you promised you'll get better, and for a while, you were better, but now you are fucked and back into square one. All those money on therapy and your pills, for what? For you to stop taking them because you thought you were feeling better? Well, you definitely were not ok, nor you'll be. So, yeah, being fucked sounded good.

Max brought you the medicine and a glass of water. Taking the pills again? For what? The pills only fuel the feeling that everything is fine and that you are a normal person. Nothing was good and you were not a normal person.

But you took the pills. And you looked Max in the eyes and you wanted to die. He seemed crushed. He was sad, devastated, maybe angry but definitely disappointed. In you. Because maybe you don't realize this, but while you were doing good, he was doing great. He knew you could be on your own so he stopped worrying that much, and that could also be seen in his driving. He was winning more races, he was at his best and now he was at his lowest. Because you were at your lowest; co-dependency and shit.

"I'm sorry, baby. I thought I was doing well enough to stop taking the meds," you say in a broken voice but the tears are yet to appear. He stroked your hair and kissed you on your forehead.

"You should have told me. You don't have to go thru this alone. I am here."

"Yeah, you are here. But you don't have to be!" you snapped. Irritability, one thing your depression came with. "I am just a burden for you. And no, this does not come from the fact I stopped taking my pills. You took care of me like I was a child, and, fuck it, you don't deserve this."

"Stop talking like this, alright? If I would suffer from depression you would have done the same thing. You would have taken care of me. Or am I wrong?"

"You are not wrong. To be honest, I don't think I would be here if it wasn't for you, but I don't want you to be. It's obvious that I would never get better. This is me. I am fucked in the head, half wishing I was dead and I am just bringing you down."

"Don't tell me this is a fucking break up, Y/N." he narrows his brows and looks at your features to make sure you were being serious.

“I’ll leave, and the world will move on. I just wish I could see it. See how much better everything is when I’m gone.”

"What the fuck are you talking about? Is this a break-up or a suicidal vocal note?"

You broke down. Crying can be cathartic and healthy, but if it goes on too long it can lock your body in a feeling of despair. Even if your mind works through the problem that caused the crying, because your body is still feeling the physical effects it will cause your mind to revert to the negative state. It's not sadness. It's dread and paralysis. You had a certain feeling of emptiness and purposelessness.

“You’re good at finding things. Find me a reason to stay,” you say between sobs.

"You want me to find you a reason to stay alive or to stay in this relationship? To be frank, I can name a thousand reasons, but it all depends on you."

Max hugs you from behind and you lay your head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat that was stronger than ever. You allowed yourself to inhale Max's scent, a soothing scent you could get drunk on.

"I want to believe you love me. I mean, I love you and I consider you the love of my life, you know? We are so young and I know it doesn't feel like it, but I promise you, I'm gonna marry you someday, even if right now you don't think you're gonna make it till tomorrow. So, yeah, this is reason number one," he said and pressed a kiss to your cheek. "This is not the worst you have been through in life. Remember where you were 18 months ago; you had no idea what was wrong with you. Now you know and you know you can be better. I know you get sick of those pills, but maybe, in the future, you won't need them. Isn't that exciting? This was reason number two," he said and pressed another kiss to your cheek. He was going to do that every time he would give you a reason. "Have you been to all the beautiful places around the world? Sure, you came to a few Grand Prix, but you never saw Great Ocean Road in Australia, you know Daniel promised he would take us there someday. You never saw Pamukkale in Turkey or Japan in Cherry Blossom season or the Blue Lagoon in Iceland. There are many places you need to visit, baby. So, yeah, this was reason number three. I don't know if you want me to continue but I can give you one more reason. Reason number four. Do it for you, baby. You deserve to live and be happy. I know you can be happy and I promise you I will do my best to help you. You just have to take it one step at a time. You just have to let me in. Let me help you, baby."

You turn around, facing him now. You loved him, with all of your heart. You love him for who he is. You love him because he literally came into your life as your lifeline. You love him because he helped you crawl up the deep bottomless abyss of depression. You love him because he had the patience and the audacity to bear with your depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, your phobias, your mood swings, your temperamental and short-tempered nature, your overthinking, your being overprotectiveness, and possessiveness. You love him because never once he thought of giving up on you in your hard times. You love him because he stands by you like a rock of unwavering support and he’s someone you can fall back on. You love him because he listens to you talking non-stop about your past, your pains, your fears, and your losses without complaining even once. You love him because he rediscovered you and helped you find yourself again when you were lost in darkness. You love him because he filled you with confidence and hope and strength and belief and determination. You love him because he believes you are the best when you set your mind on something and no one can stop you from achieving your goals. You love him because he is protective, caring, understanding, loving, and easy to be with while never being too suffocating or taking up your space. You love him because sooner or later he does everything you ask of him and does with his whole attention. You love him because whatever endeavor he engages in, he likes to give his 100% and hates doing half-hearted things. You love him because he can decode the nuances in your voice and judge your mood just perfectly. You love him because he read you like an open book and he can hear your silence. You love him because he never doubts your loyalty, your intentions, your hard work, and your million issues. You love him because no matter how busy he might get he never forgets that you are waiting for his message or his call. You love him because he keeps you in his priorities. You love him because he gave you a passion you never knew you had. You love him because he very strongly believes that you deserve the best of everything. You love him because he is empathic, kind, magnanimous, thoughtful, and down to Earth. You love him because he has eyes for no one but you. You love him because he wants to see you healthy, wealthy, prosperous, famous and he wants you to hold back at nothing, for no one, he wants you to be a Go-Getter. And most importantly you love him because no one ever loved you like he did.

"I will let you in," you say and you kiss him hard. "I'm sorry for the scene I caused."

"Don't be. It happens."

[chernobog13]

undefined

HAPPY STAR TREK DAY!

(although if you live in Canada, “Star Trek” day was two days ago, because the show was broadcast there first)

Today marks the 55th anniversary of the Star Trek franchise.  Premiering on the NBC network at 8:30 pm, the country encountered most of the crew of the USS Enterprise for the first time in the episode The Man Trap.

Although it was the first episode broadcast, The Man Trap was actually the sixth episode produces.  However, it was a good choice as a premier because it  included most of the main cast as well as many of the elements that would become staples of the series.

First and foremost being the USS Enterprise, a ship unlike any other ever seen.

Ah, the old NCC-1701!  She is a thing of beauty!

The episode, of course, opens with the familiar voice over “Captain’s log,” which was a wonderful storytelling device for setting the narrative.  But even though we hear Captain Kirk’s voice first (although we don’t know his name yet), Spock is the first major character we see.  The log entry informs us that Spock has been left in charge onboard the Enterprise.

We also get our first glimpse of Lt. Uhura, seated at the navigator’s station.  It won’t be until a little later that we learn that she is the communications officer for the ship.  But this quick scene establishes that the Enterprise’s crew is very diverse (an alien and a Black female both on the bridge), which raised more than a few eyebrows back in 1966.

Next we get our first view of the transporter effect.  There is no explanation given as to what is happening, other than Kirk’s voiceover stating that he and Dr. McCoy are “beaming down” to the planet’s surface.  Star Trek, especially in the early days, decided the audience would be able to figure out what was happening.

Then we get out first look at Captain James Kirk and Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy.  The scene immediately establishes the friendship between the two, with Kirk’s gentle teasing of his ship’s doctor.  Also note, this is the shortest you’ll see Kirk’s hair in the entire series.  He’s got a proper military cut here; by the end of the third season he almost looks like a hippie.

There’s also a great bit later on, when Kirk and McCoy are speaking to each other on the ship via viewscreen.  McCoy tells Kirk he’s having trouble sleeping.  Kirk’s reply: “Try taking one of those red pills you gave me last week.  You’ll sleep!”

Throughout the episode we’ve seen Kirk as the tough, no-nonsense, by-the-book captain who commands the respect of the people he leads.  But these bits with McCoy show his humorous, human side that makes him a great character.  I truly miss first season Kirk, especially the first part of the season, because that’s my favorite version of him. 

Peppered throughout the episode are shots establishing many of the other characters  who will become regulars on the series.    Here we have Yeoman Janice Rand, who we learn is the captain’s yeoman and quite popular among the male crew members.

Unfortunately, Yeoman Rand only appeared in eight episodes spread across the first half of the season.  

Rand delivers the tray of food at the botany lab, where we meet Sulu for the first time.

Since this is the first time the audience see Lieutenant Sulu, it would be understandable if it was assumed that he was just a botanist.  Actually, Sulu had a few different positions in the first season (he was a physicist in the second pilot Where No man Has Gone Before, which would be broadcast 2 weeks after The Man Trap).

Surprisingly, Lieutenant Uhura seemed to get the most screen time of all the secondary characters. (not that I’m complaining; Nichelle Nichols is absolutely gorgeous!).  Earlier on the bridge she was flirting with Spock (with Spock subtly tugging on his shirt collar, indicating his discomfort), and then chastising him for his apparent lack of concern when he learned that a member of the landing party is dead.  Here she is being the queen that she is, teaching two other crew members proper turbolift etiquette: you let the person in the lift get out before you get in (same goes for elevators, just in case you didn’t know).

Two other recurring characters, Chief Engineer Montgomery “Scotty” Scott and Nurse Christine Chapel, are the only two not seen in this episode.  Scotty’s voice, though is heard on the communicator responding to Kirk from the transporter room. As for Nurse Chapel, she was not introduced until The Naked Time, which was the next episode (#7) produced, but the fourth to air.

One thing which I didn’t notice until I rewatched this episode just now (or maybe I did notice, but just forgot) is that Kirk is carrying a phaser almost the whole show, even while on the bridge.

Sharp-eyed viewers may also spot various crew members in older uniforms, like those worn in the two pilots, The Cage and Where No Man Has Gone Before.

Some people may call these continuity errors, or chalk it up to the wardrobe department recycling costumes for the extras.  But anyone who’s been in the military knows there’s always a transition period when new uniforms are introduced.  For example, my Basic Training class was the absolute last in the Army to be issued the old olive drab green fatigues.  The next class was issued the new woodland camouflage BDUs that became the standard for the next ten years.  I was given six months to purchase a full set of BDUs (you read that right: I had to buy them with my own money).  However, unless BDUs were specifically designated as the uniform of the day I was able to wear the o.d.green fatigues for another two years until they were phased out completely. I imagine these crew members are in a similar situation.

A few more Star Trek “firsts” from The Man Trap:

Kirk (or any crew member) using the communicator.  Kirk is on his communicator a lot this episode.

The Enterprise on red alert.

A gun - or, more correctly, phaser - battle.  Here we see Professor Crater armed with an “old style” phaser, but really just them same type that was used in the two pilots.

The very first phaser shot, as Professor Crater snipes at Kirk and Spock.

Kirk firing his phaser.  Don’t worry, it’s set on “stun.”

Professor Crater getting struck by phaser fire.  Don’t worry, it was set on “stun.”  He’s going to talk like he’s drunk for the next few minutes.

Kirk and Spock planetside, establishing that the two highest ranking officers will beam down alone to handle a dangerous situation.  It’s not like they have an entire Security Department on board the ship.

The very first meeting in the Briefing Room.

The crew at various stations on the bridge, although Uhura and Sulu are not at their usual posts, which just shows that this crew is highly competent and can handle multiple duties.  Oh, and two of them happen to be women, and tow are people of color.

Sulu chiming in on the meeting via viewscreen.

And then, because it was a science fiction television show in the 1960s, the network insisted there be a monster.  So we got the salt vampire, the shape-changing creature that had been killing all sorts of people by sucking the salt out of their bodies.  Not too scary by today’s standards, but I wouldn’t want to run into it in a dark alley.

The first time we get to see Kirk make that face as he screams in pain.

And the first time we see a dead monster/alien on the Enterprise.

The, finally, the what will become familiar denouement with everyone on the bridge as Kirk gives the order for the Enterprise to break orbit and proceed to its next assignment.  Notice that Sulu has finally managed to make it to the helmsman’s station.

Headed off into space for another adventure next week!

1966 was a great year.  It gave us Ultra Q. Ultraman, Ambassador Magma (aka The Space Giants), The New Adventures of Superman animated series, the Slurpee and, of course, Star Trek.

55 years later Star Trek is more popular than ever, with several new television series available, and another feature film in the works.  Here’s hoping for another 55 years of exploring the galaxy!

[ivanabaqero]

Since I just returned from rehab, here is my.. idk, emotional journey on my chronic illness + mental health or wtf ever u wanna call this. This is the most personal thing I have ever posted but I need to get it out. 

Before you read, I guess I gotta tw this for suicidal thoughts and descriptions of my symptoms.

I don’t even know where to start. It feels like all of this happened in one week and at the same in a span of several years. But no idea, time just kept passing and more shit happened. 

Last summer was pretty cool. I worked hard and made a fuckton of money - not really considering the consequences of the fact that I overstepped the boundaries of my body every single day. Either way, I regret nothing it was pretty cool and another experience I am glad I could make. Well, but when I came back home, I started to notice a few things. Among some weird shit nobody wants to know about, I noticed a change of my eyesight. There was a cloud right on the vision on my left eye and it got blurry. At first, it started with minutes and then it passed. But I knew my body responded to exhaustion in an odd way so I let it slide. As doctors have instructed me, only when it lasts over 24 hours it’s an actual episode/flare and I should go to the ER -- to elaborate this further, I have been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2015 and have not had any bigger flares since, only the regular symptoms like fatigue, etc.

 I got treated with the regular medication; cortisone. This shit gave me some energy boost for a few days and then, things went back to somewhat normal. The blurry thing in my eye has changed into a weird ass thing called nystagmus. Basically, my eyeball was twitching. It was better than the blurry sight and my doctors told me that physical therapy was the only thing to help me with that, and up until some weeks ago this didn’t stop, at the moment it’s gotten way better though - a relief because that caused me mad headache and made reading really difficult.

Anyway, that was the smaller problem. A few months later, in December around Christmas, I have gotten really weak and have been constantly dizzy. As usual, I let it slide for some days. Up until that point when I couldn’t move from the bed or look at anything else but right up at the ceiling or I would get fucking dizzy. Back to the ER again, the same procedure began. Cortisone  resulted in a massive push of energy that lasted for some days, but after that, all the symptoms slowly returned. Not only that, but it started to get worse. I have been dragging and limping with my left foot since months but I still managed somehow to walk and get around. In January I had a major panic attack when I noticed that I couldn’t walk on my own to my doctors, which is merely an 8 minute walk away. I had to call my mom to bring me back home because I couldn’t go any step more. My doctor sent me to the ER but the next day, I decided that I was fine and being over dramatic and everything was perfectly fine. The whole thing kept getting worse, I could not walk anymore, I kept feeling dizzy all the time unless I was staring at only one spot: my laptop or phone. So that was what I did, ignore my symptoms. Adding to my chronic fatigue, dizziness, inability to walk and my eye problem, a sensitivity problem spread all over my body from the chest downwards. My hands hurt and my fingers cramped up and got stiff, I lost all feeling in my feet. I had an appointment at the neurologist thank god, or else, I would have let it gotten worse and kept telling myself that I am being over dramatic and nothing is actually wrong. Delusional? Maybe. I don’t understand myself there either.

The neurologist decided to keep me in hospital for a whole ass week, getting cortisone every day. I got in there with the ambulance in a wheelchair and left out of there walking again. Not perfectly, but I thought things were looking up. Of course, once the high dose of steroids begins to wear off and you slowly come down from it, you first catch sleep. Steroids this time have been given to me five days in high dose instead of three and in addition, I had to take pills that I had to reduce slowly over another two weeks. I did not sleep in those three weeks more than 3-4 hours per night and then I finally could. To make this more understandable; my brain was tired but my body was buzzing. I also had a tremor that has still not entirely left me as a wonderful side effect from the medication. 

That time stationary they finally put me back in a MRT and found 2 bigger new lesions. One of them in my cerebellum and the other in my spinal cord. Each of them causing me all those massive problems. Back at home I had physical therapy every day, but despite all of it, I had to rely on a wheelchair. I got my wheelchair in march and named him Otto because he is the best man ever. Next time in hospital, I was mentally and physically just fucking done and tried to just ignore how much my mental health was going downhill along with my body, the neurologist offered me stationary rehab at a very well known center where they treat several physical as well as mental illnesses. I said yes, and luckily got a place in July.

The initial plan was to stay there for four weeks, but the doctors suggested to extend to six. I did. And good that I did. I made slow progress. Very slow. To imagine, in twenty minutes at the first day I could barely walk 130m with four  breaks in between, with walking aid and what not - and my last day I made 640m in the same time with no breaks. I know this doesn’t sound like a lot but fuck -- I made it out of a fucking wheelchair. I am walking again. Not perfectly or any good, but my legs are used for their purpose again; to get me through this world. For someone who loves hiking and going for little walks alone, this was such a big deal to just not be able to anymore. 

The day I had the panic attack was the day I realized that in 2015 I made a promise to myself that if I ever have to rely on other people, I would end it. But I felt selfish for not wanting to end it. I felt selfish  for wanting to live and being a burden to people. I know, none of this is my fault and I am the first to give good advice, but am I good at handling my own shit? Absolutely not. 

With all the physical therapy I did for six weeks every day, I also had a psychologist that helped me understand myself better and deal with the trauma this experience brought me. I have to find another psychologist at home as well, because I didn’t feel the one I have helped me at all. I had to make a lot of promises to myself, such as accepting and asking for help and that it’s no shame in doing so. I feared losing my independence and I still do. But fuck, this experience was an eye opener in so many ways. I made new friends in rehab as well, which was one of the coolest things. And I got hit on by two attractive men - can you believe? I was in a wheelchair, dressed like absolute shit and not making any kind of deal of how I look! But yeah, my interest wasn’t really there to get involved in anything. I’ve got a lot of love to give but I need to give it to myself rather than pour it out on someone else.

I learned so many lessons, about my body and about my mind. My brain is an idiot and I have so many fears I was never even able to see until now. I thought optimism could beat everything and well... while it helps me a lot to get through every day life, every now and then I just need a slap in the face to look at things in another light. Not everything is fine if you tell yourself it is, no, you are not over reacting and you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself when life is dealing you a bad card. It doesn’t matter that other people have it worse -- it doesn’t mean your own shit is any less valid. And with that, I am going to wash my face and stop crying. I am still in a shock of reality state because I am  back at home now and everything is different. And I got to admit, I feel a little lonely. But I don’t want to reach out to my old friends at the moment with whom I felt like the “sick friend”. I want more friends in similar positions as me so I don’t have to feel bad for... well, feeling bad, and I don’t want to hear any more optimism monologues from healthy people who have absolutely no idea what it is like to have chronic pain, fatigue and overall; an illness. Whether it be mental or physical.

If you really read all of this, thank you. There was no need to, but I appreciate it. I honestly just needed to let it out. Because I haven’t done so properly since all of that started. 

[living-with-pmd]

11 Women With PMDD Share What It's Really Like

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder is the evil cousin of PMS. They share the same types of symptoms—moodiness, increased hunger, cravings, fatigue, cramps, pain, brain fog, and depression, among others—but for PMDD sufferers, those symptoms get so bad they can cripple a woman's ability to lead a normal life.  

While up to 85 percent of women get PMS, according to the US Department of Health, only about 5 percent of women experience PMDD, according to the American Journal of Psychiatry.

We asked women with PMDD what it's really like living with the disorder. Here are their stories:

"I was diagnosed with PMDD last summer. Six months prior to my diagnosis, I started taking a certain birth control and soon every month I was experiencing severe PMS issues. I am a generally happy person, but during those few days I was someone entirely different. I was extremely depressed and anxious, having much more frequent panic attacks, and was super sensitive and lonely. I was even suicidal, which was terrifying. And the worst part was I was convinced that I had always been this miserable, and that I would always be this miserable, and it was never going to change. It felt as if someone had completely burned out the light in me and all happiness and joy and hope was gone. I didn't make the connection that it was related to my period but thankfully a close friend did. I have since switched birth control, which helped a lot, and increased the dosage of my anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds. Most importantly, I am aware of the way I feel those few days so I know to expect it, and I can logically remind myself that I will stop feeling that way soon. Looking back, I realize that I've probably always had pretty bad PMS or PMDD. The birth control worsened it but it was also causing a lot of issues I wasn't aware of previously as well." —Katherine H., 22, Edmonds, WA

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"PMDD is out of control. I cry really easily for about a week. My biggest issue is that I am convinced that I am failing at everything—being a wife, a mom, work projects, fitness, my whole life! And even though it feels so real I constantly have to question if my feelings are valid or if they are amplified by my cycle. I just set an alert in my phone to remind me to consider my hormones the next time I feel that way." —Krysten B., 32, Toronto, CA

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"A week before my period, I become a complete psycho, completely unlike myself. I'm tearful, want to eat everything that's sweet or salty, have absolutely no tolerance for anything other than perfection, and prefer to be left completely alone. I already take an antidepressant but my PMDD was a complete nightmare so my doctor gave me Prozac to take for just 10 days a month. Basically, I start it when I start to get that irrational feeling and keeping taking it until my period starts. And that's just the emotional stuff. On the physical side, I have debilitating cramps, backaches, and headaches that last for days. Yep. I'm a peach." —Kristen L., 40, Knoxville, TN

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"In the past, PMDD almost made me suicidal and totally broke my spirit. Yes it wasthat bad. Every month. Eventually I got tired of being a 'crazy PMS woman' and decided I needed to fix this. Since I don't like to take pharmaceuticals, I branched out to homeopathic remedies and I discovered St. John's Wort and essential oils, especially clary sage and Doterra Calm-Its. It's a lot better now but I still have my hard days." —Amy S., 43, Zebulon, NC

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"My PMDD got so bad I had to go to a psychiatrist and be put on Prozac along with another antidepressant I was already taking. I was a mess—anxious, crying randomly over the smallest thing, and eating everything in sight. One example is someone made a YouTube mashup of the Age of Ultron trailers with Pinocchio footage and the 'I've got no strings on me' song and that wrecked me for weeks. Every time I thought about scenes from Pinocchio I would start panicking and crying at my work desk. It's been a few years and I'm better now. I'm off birth control and weening myself off the Prozac. I notice a week before my period I will sob during any sad part in a movie or book I'm reading, and a day or two before, I notice I'm more likely to be anxious." —Kate W., 36, Alaska

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"This has impacted my ability to work effectively. My pet peeve is when people say 'it must be close to your time of the month' when they simply don't like what I'm saying. I have run into that problem a lot at previous jobs and it makes it really hard to be taken seriously. It's bullshit because my feelings are valid regardless and also PMDD is not a joke. I am so lucky now to have a male boss who understands but it wasn't always that way. I have also have found a lot of relief with naturopathic and herbal remedies." —Amalia F., 28, Vancouver, Canada

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"My PMS was tolerable until my second child was born and then everything went off the rails. I'd be looking forward to plans with others, happy, and then about 10 to 14 days before my flow would start, my mood would turn on a dime. I'd be horrible—crying, screaming that ~nobody understands~, just so much emotional pain. I'd basically lock myself up in the bedroom for a full day to cry, get angry, and feel sorry for myself. It took three doctors before I finally found one who would listen to me before I was finally diagnosed with PMDD. I took Prozac for three years for it but it made me feel numb, like a zombie and not like myself. So I quit and my family just deals with me now. As I've gotten closer to menopause the PMDD is not as bad, but can be very unpredictable due to hormonal swings from perimenopause. The worst part now is I feel like my friendships have suffered. I always seem to have episodes around major holidays and events and I end up bumming everyone out if I do show up so I end up staying home a lot." —Colleen T., 50, St. Paul, MN

———————————

"I'm overly emotional for the week before my period. Saying that makes it sound like it's not that bad but I get so distraught that my fiance has actually scheduled it in his phone as 'blood sport' to remind himself what's coming. I'm thankful that he's patient because I also feel like everyone hates me that week, too." —Kenlie T., 36, New Orleans, LA

———————————

"All month long I'm fine and feel even and calm and then suddenly, the week before my period, I can't handle even the tiniest little thing. My irritability goes through the roof (which is not great since I have a 5-year-old) and I feel like I have no friends. It really makes me sad." —Jessica S., 28, Broomfield, CO

———————————

"I know my period is coming because all of a sudden all of my joints hurt, especially my knees and ankles. I also get crazy gnarly cramps and once I even had a cyst that ruptured while I was on a date and the guy had to take me to the hospital! It was so embarrassing. Thankfully my husband now is very understanding when this time rolls around each month. The worst part is people who just think I make this stuff up. Some months are better than others and sometimes the pain is completely debilitating! My emotions are also a rollercoaster. Anytime I see something cute or inspiring, I burst into tears." —Ivie C., 21, Rexburg, ID

———————————

"My PMDD manifests in both mental and physical symptoms. From the time I got my period at age 12, I've had extreme cramps and heavy bleeding. I'd leak at school through a super maxi pad every class so I'd tie sweatshirts around my waist and have to scrub my clothes when I got home. It was super humiliating. I'd have to take six to eight ibuprofen at a time to deal with cramps, and if I didn't I'd end up on the floor sweating like I had the flu. Sometimes I'd even throw up. This meant I ended up spending a lot of time sick in bathrooms and knew where every restroom was at all times. Birth control helped manage the PMDD and other issues, but as soon as I was done having kids, I had a hysterectomy. That was the best thing I've ever done." —Mandy P., 39, Mendon, UT

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/a19972132/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder/

[starryknight09]

Unforeseen dangers ch. 4

Summary:  As Peter recovers from his capture by Ross, a photo of him with Tony and the Avengers leaks and is splashed all across the media. Luckily, no one can figure out who he is and everyone thinks the buzz will die down. However, the public’s interest has been ignited. While Tony worries it’s only a matter of time before Peter’s identity is exposed, Peter isn’t as concerned. Besides, what’s the worst that could happen anyway?

Read on AO3.

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A knock sounded on Peter’s bedroom door just as he finished the last equation of the problem set in front of him.

“Kid, can I come in?” Tony’s voice came from the other side of the door.

“Sure.” He answered.

His dad walked in, a tense expression on his face.  He wondered if it was from the same thing that’d put a similar look on Pepper’s face.

“Doing your math homework?” Tony asked when he got close enough to see the open textbook and the sheet of paper with the completed problem set to the side of it.

Peter nodded.  “I just finished it.”

Tony ruffled his hair.  “Want me to check your answers?”

“No I got it.” Peter said, trying to fix his mussed up curls.

His dad watched him fondly for a moment, amusement warring with worry on his face.

Peter frowned.  “Is everything ok?”

“Everything’s fine,” Tony answered quickly, “but there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

Peter’s heart leaped to his throat.  Had Tony figured out Peter’s plan to change his name?  Was he unhappy about it?  But how had he found out?  Pepper wouldn’t have told.  Had someone else?  Or was it just his dad’s uncanny ability to somehow know everything that happened in his Tower?  Maybe FRIDAY had squealed?

“Um what-what’s up?” He asked, trying not to sound as nervous as he felt.

His dad sighed, sliding his homework off to the side so there was a clear spot on his desk where he could sit down.

“Watch any TV recently?” Tony asked.

Peter blinked.  That was not at all what he’d been expecting.

“Um I watched a few episodes of Love it or List it last night.”

“I thought I told you that show would rot your brain.”

“I like it.”

Tony shook his head with a sigh, but Peter could tell he didn’t actually care.

“What about today?  Did you watch anything today?”

“No.  Why?  Did something happen?”  Had some sort of world catastrophe occurred that he was unaware of?

“Yes…and no.” Tony answered.

“Wow that’s cryptic.” Peter joked, trying to lighten the solemn mood that’d fallen over his room.  “Are you actually going to tell me or am I supposed to guess?”

Tony took a deep breath as if to bolster himself before he answered, “Someone leaked a photo.”

“Ok…” That answer was just as vague.

“A photo of us.”

Peter’s mouth fell open as he tried to absorb the words and what they meant.  “What?  But who would—?  When did—?”  He could only get out clipped, incomplete fragments, but his dad seemed to understand all the same.  

“Some government aide leaked the photo of us together on the couch after the Accords signing.  The press is having a heyday with it.” Tony answered.

Peter winced.  Oh.  That was bad.

Tony continued, “It’s playing on all the major network stations.  Everyone wants to know who you are and what your connection is to me.”

Peter frowned, staring blankly at his math homework for a moment as he tried to process the news.

“What-what does this mean?” He asked, looking up to meet Tony’s worried eyes.

Tony licked his lips and answered slowly, “It means…we’re going to have to be a lot more careful in the future to not be seen together.”

“But why?  If they already know who I am?” Peter didn’t really understand.  Why did they need to be careful if the cat was already out of the bag?  

“No.  They don’t know.” His dad shook his head.  “The photo isn’t very good quality.  I can barely tell it’s you.  They just know I was sitting with some kid.”

Peter scrunched his nose, not really loving that description.  “So what are we going to do about it?”

“Nothing.  We’re going to do nothing and let it run its course and eventually it’ll die down.  We’re not telling anyone who you are or what your relationship with me is.  But like I said, we’re going to have to be careful.  We can’t go out in public together for the time being.  One good photo and they might be able to figure out who you are.”

“And that would be bad.” He said, but it came out more as a question.

Tony frowned as he answered, “Yes Peter, that would be bad.  If the press found out you were my son, they’d hound you nonstop, and it wouldn’t be for only a couple weeks.  It’d be forever.  The unfortunate curse of being a Stark.”  

Peter swallowed hard, thinking of the paperwork he’d just signed to officially make himself a Stark.

“And that wouldn’t even be the worst part.” Tony explained, looking stricken.  “Certain people might see you as a tool they could use to try to get to me.  You’d never be safe, and I don’t want that for you.”

“They could try,” Peter smiled, trying to reassure his dad, “but I’m Spiderman.  I’m not so easy to get to.”

“Don’t underestimate the crazies.” Tony shook his head.  “It’s not a risk I’m willing to take.”

“So, if we’re not going to do anything about it, then why are you telling me?” He asked.

“Because I want you in the loop.  In case things come up or go wrong, I want you to know how serious it could be.”

“Ok.  I guess that makes sense.” Peter’s brow furrowed as another thought struck him.  “Wait.  Is this the emergency Pepper got called back to deal with?”

Tony nodded.  

Peter immediately felt guilty.  Because of him, because of something to do with him, Pepper had needed to run back to work to deal with the fallout.

Tony must’ve seen the guilt on his face.  “Don’t worry kid.  Compared to some of the things I’ve put her through, this is nothing.  And the game plan’s simple.  We’re doing nothing.  We’re not confirming or denying anything or making a statement.  It’s literally no extra work for Pep.”

“I don’t know.” Peter mumbled.   “She looked pretty stressed.”

Tony waved a hand in dismissal.  “She’ll be fine.  Believe me.  The woman’s as tough as nails.”

That got a smile out of him.  “I know.”

“Good.” His dad ruffled his hair again and he groaned in fake complaint.  “You’re done with your homework, right?”

“Yeah.” It wasn’t exactly a lie.  He’d done the problem set he’d been working on, but he still had a mountain load to do by the end of winter break.

“What do you say we go down to the workshop and work on the new updates to my suit?”

“I’m in.” He stood, always eager to work on the Ironman armor.

Tony got off the desk and wrapped an arm around his shoulders as they walked out of his room and to the workshop together.  It should’ve been comforting but Peter still didn’t feel completely at ease.  Even though Tony had tried to reassure him, he couldn’t shake the troubled look on his dad’s face from his mind.

“Hey Ned.” Peter answered his phone as he laid on his mattress.  Tony had sent him to bed an hour ago but he still hadn’t been able to fall asleep.  The phone call was a welcome interruption from staring at the ceiling.

“Dude you’re on TV!  You’re famous!” Ned erupted in excitement.

Peter groaned and rubbed his eyes.

“Have you seen the news?  Like literally everyone is talking about you.  I’m friends with a celebrity!”

“I haven’t seen it yet but I’ve heard.” Peter sighed.  “And no one can know it’s me Ned.  You have to keep it to yourself.  You can’t even tell your parents, got it?”

“Oh man.” Ned whined.  “Are you serious?”

“Yes.  I mean it.” Peter reiterated.  “Tony will flip if someone finds out that I’m the one in the picture.”

“You don’t think someone’s going to figure it out?”

“I don’t know.  Tony didn’t seem to think so.  I guess it’s not that great of a picture.”

Ned hummed.  “Yeah it is pretty blurry.  I might not have even known it was you except I knew it was you.”

Peter snorted.

“That sucks though dude.  I thought I was going to be famous by proxy.” Ned said with disappointment.

Peter grinned.  “I don’t think it works that way.”

“I already had an awesome tag line idea for my twitter.”

“Uh huh.”

“Do you want to hear it?”

“Sure.  Why not?”

“It was going to be, ‘Best friend of Ironkid.  Friend of the Avengers.’  What do you think?”

“I think maybe keep working on it.” Peter laughed.  “And my name wouldn’t be Ironkid.”

“Are you kidding?  The media’s not all that creative.  If they found out you were Ironman’s kid I’m pretty sure they’d dub you Ironkid.”

Peter made a face in disgust.  “Oh god I hope not.  That’s reason enough to make sure they don’t find out.”

Ned laughed over the phone.

“So I guess for now I have to stick with secretly being Spiderman’s guy in the chair?”

“And Peter Parker’s best friend.  Sorry.”

“It’s all right.  I like that role better anyway.” Peter could hear Ned’s honest smile in his voice.  “Besides, we both know I probably do better work behind the scenes than out in the spotlight.”

“Yeah and it might sound fun at first, but it would totally suck to not be able to go anywhere without being recognized.”

“Yeah you’re right.  Although, I bet we could get some sweet Comic-Con tickets if people knew who you were.”

“Tony can get those for us anyway.”  Peter rolled his eyes.  “And if no one knows who I am, we can go and not get mobbed, and actually have fun.”

“I guess you have a point.” Ned agreed.

Peter heard muffled voices coming from across the speaker of Ned’s phone.

“Um sorry dude but my mom says I have to go to bed.” Ned said.  “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Ok.  Good night Ned.” Peter said with a smile.

“Good night.”

Peter plugged his phone back into the charger and set it on the nightstand.  Fatigue leadened his eyelids, and he closed his eyes as he settled into his soft pillows.  Talking to Ned had at least helped him finally destress.  Sleep was no longer so hard to find.

“How does that feel?” Ross sneered at him as he stabbed a knife straight into his thigh.

Peter couldn’t hold back a cry of pain.  He instinctively tried to grab the offending object but he couldn’t move his arms.  They were tied behind him as he sat helpless in a chair.

“Hurts, doesn’t it?” Ross said with grim pleasure as he slowly twisted the knife.

It burned.  Electric shocks of agony danced through his leg.

“Stop.” He moaned and crumpled forward at his waist, but he only had enough slack to make it a few inches.

Ross snorted in amusement.

“You want me to stop?  Oh no.  We’re just getting started.” Ross said and ripped the knife out of his leg.  It hurt almost as much as getting stabbed in the first place and Peter cried out again.  He panted as blood bubbled from the wound, too much too fast.

Ross leaned forward and placed the edge of the blood coated knife on his bare chest.

“No.” He pleaded.  “Please.”

The corner of Ross’s lip twisted up in a crazed smile and he pressed down.

Peter watched as blood flowed out and around the knife as it carved into his skin.

“No!” He tried to thrash away but he couldn’t as Ross trailed the knife across his chest to form a burning line of red.

Peter couldn’t help it.  He was crying now.  It hurt.  And there was so much blood dripping down his chest and out of his leg.  He was going to die.  Oh god.  Ross wasn’t going to stop.  He was going to keep going until he slowly killed him.

The man placed the knife a couple inches below the line of open skin and repeated the process, forming another crimson line of open flesh.  Peter didn’t want to look but he couldn’t help it.  The cuts were deep enough he thought he could see flashes of white bone underneath.

“Stop.  Stop!  Please.” He begged through his sobs.

Ross ignored him and continued the process, dragging the knife over his skin to make a third line.

Peter screamed.  He didn’t want to die.  He didn’t.

“Help!  Someone please!  Help!” He yelled hoarsely even though he knew it was hopeless.  He was all alone with Ross.

“No one’s coming to save you.” Ross taunted.  “Not even Daddy.”

Peter whimpered at that.  He wanted his dad.  Ross carved another slice across his front.

“Dad!” He screamed this time, clenching his eyes shut at the pain.  He knew it was pointless and that Ross was right.  Tony wasn’t coming to save him, but he couldn’t help instinctively calling for him.  “Dad!  Help!  Please.  Dad!”

Ross gripped his shoulders and gave them a firm shake.  Why had Ross stopped hurting him?  Peter’s eyes snapped open in confusion.

Instead of Ross, all he saw was a darkened figure leaning over him, holding his shoulders.

“You’re all right.” The figure soothed.  Not Ross.  Peter blinked and immediately recognized his dad.  He took in the rest of his surroundings.  He was in his room.  In bed.  He spread a hand across his chest but there was nothing there.  His leg was fine too.  Nothing hurt.  It’d all just been a bad dream.  Ross didn’t have him anymore.  Right.  Tony had saved him.  And Ross was dead.

Tony sat perched on the edge of the bed and Peter wasted no time in sitting up and wrapping his arms around the man.

“You’re all right.” His dad repeated softly into his hair.

Peter closed his eyes and melted into the comfort.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled.  He had no idea what time it was, but Tony was wearing pajamas so Peter knew he’d woken him up.

His dad shushed him and rubbed a hand over his back.

After a long minute of silent comfort, Tony said, “You were calling for me.”

Peter knew it was a question as much as a statement.  His dad was offering him a chance to talk about his dream but he wasn’t going to force it.

“I was back there.” Peter whispered into Tony’s chest.  “Ross had me.”

Tony made a sound of displeasure but Peter continued, “He was hurting me and he wouldn’t stop and I couldn’t get free and no one was coming to save me and I just wanted you.”

“I’m right here.” Tony said, squeezing him even tighter.  “You’re safe.”

“It felt so real.” Peter mumbled.

“It wasn’t.” Tony tangled a hand in the hair at the back of his head.  “You’re not there.  And Ross is gone.  He’ll never hurt you again.”

“I know.  It’s stupid.  I’m sorry.”

“It’s not stupid.” Tony said firmly.  “What you went through was traumatic.  Someone took you, held you hostage, and hurt you.  I’d be surprised if you weren’t having nightmares about it.  Hell, I’m having nightmares about it.”

“You are?” Peter pulled back and saw the truth in his dad’s eyes.

“Yeah.” Tony tried to smile as he palmed his cheek, but he just looked sad.  “Of course.  Someone took you from me and hurt you as a way to get to me.  That’s the very definition of my worst nightmare.”

“Really?”

“Yes.  Really.” Tony rubbed a thumb over his cheek.  “You’re the most important thing to me.  How many times do I have to tell you that before you finally start to believe me?”

“Lots.” Peter said and grinned.  “Maybe because I like to hear it.”

Tony let out a short huff of amusement and dropped the hand on his face so he could ruffle his hair.  “You seem better.”

“Yeah.” He agreed.  He did feel better.  With his dad so close, the fear from his nightmare seemed miles away now instead of lurking in the room.  “Thanks.”

“Think you’ll be able to get back to sleep?” Tony asked.  “It’s still pretty late.”

“I think so.” He said even though he wasn’t sure.  The yawn that escaped him a couple seconds later seemed to contradict his doubts.

Tony nodded and stood, fluffing his pillow for him and then gently guiding him backward to land on it.  Once he was settled, his dad pulled the covers up to his chin and brushed the hair off his forehead before lightly pressing a kiss there.

“Get some sleep.” His dad whispered.

Peter hummed in response, eyes already drifting closed.  He expected to hear the door click shut as Tony walked out, but instead, a few moments later, he felt the other side of his bed tip.  Peter cracked his eyes open and watched with a frown as his dad crawled into the other side of it.

“What are you doing?” He asked.

“Shh go to sleep.” Tony said, reaching a hand across the space between them to place it briefly over his eyes to close them. ��“I’m keeping the nightmares away.”

“Mine or yours?” Peter joked.

Tony chuckled.  “Both.”

“Night dad.”

“Good night kiddo.”

“I love you.” He mumbled as sleep pulled irresistibly at him.

“I love you too.” His dad said back and Peter could hear all the fondness and love infused in the sentence.  “Now go to sleep.”

Peter hummed tiredly in agreement.  With his dad next to him, a sense of safety encompassed him, and he had no trouble slipping quickly back to sleep.

[kitty-lunaz]

The loss of heroes

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             Definitions

 

PTSD-. (is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

D.I.D- “a mental disorder characterized by the maintenance of at least two distinct and relatively enduring personality states.”

P.P.D- (depression suffered by a mother following childbirth, typically arising from the combination of hormonal changes, psychological adjustment to motherhood, and fatigue.) 

Depression-Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems

Schizophrenia- schizophrenia (a serious mental disorder in which people interpret reality abnormally. Schizophrenia may result in some combination of hallucinations, delusions, and extremely disordered thinking and behavior that impairs daily functioning, and can be disabling).  

Hallucinations- perception of objects with no reality usually arising from disorder of the nervous system

Conventions-A convention, in the sense of a meeting, is a gathering of individuals who meet at an arranged place and time in order to discuss or engage in some common interest. Valkyrior- Within the context of Marvel's shared universe, the Valkyrior is a group of female warriors led by Brunnhilde / Valkyrie that was originally designated by Odin to bring the souls of slain heroes to Valhalla.

God Khonshu- Khonsu (Ancient Egyptian: ḫnsw; also transliterated Chonsu, Khensu, Khons, Chons or Khonshu) is the Ancient Egyptian god of the Moon.

Inertia- a tendency to do nothing or to remain unchanged.

Iron man’s addiction- alcoholism

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Hero a person who saves others. What about the kids who don’t have their hero. What about the kids whose hero was iron man, captain America, Thor, hulk, people like that? Our heroes are gone and we don’t have hope anymore. People say it's all going to be ok, we’ll be ok but what about when we lost all hope. What about those of us whose heroes we remembered as the creations of stan lee. Imagine the silence that has echoed for almost two years and it is still here. It’s not going away. The yelling of the depressed scared kids comes across deafened ears. Our pain fills our ears, mouths, and brains its overriding everything we’ve got left.

Young people now barely past 23 still choke on the mornings of a certain September day. Seeing a corrupt country that still somewhat loved its country shattered to its bones. Broken-down voicemails of a man giving up his right to a family. People staring out windows as a pair of buildings seen as a CenterPoint of a nation crumbles to ash and death stung the air.

Kids shaking in fear as another child points a gun at them. Their last moments in a place that swore it would protect them. Their heads screaming a blissful cry of fear at finally not having to fear this moment again. Yet crying out for someone like their own ‘friendly neighborhood Spiderman’ to come and save them.

So many of us thinking maybe just maybe if ‘so and so heroes’ were real maybe things would be better. Maybe if they were, daddy/ mommy would’ve made it home because they could’ve stopped the fire, the crash, the shooting. Maybe if they were real we could go to conventions and have them give us another reason to smile.

Our generations need so many heroes, heroes like Valkyrie who shows strength in not only being a beautiful woman of color, a leader of the Valkyrior, and a woman who is on the LGBT spectrum. We need heroes some like Deadpool who talk people from jumping off buildings those who remind us we might not be great people but we can change and better ourselves. We need heroes like Moonlight, wonder woman, or Daredevil each of these three has different illnesses I will do a quick explanation of their illnesses, but we need heroes like this who remind us and tell us that it is ok. That even heroes aren’t perfect they are ‘human’ in so many cases.

Moonlight who is a male character who supposedly was given powers to him by an ancient Egyptian God Khonshu. He has been depicted as having D.I.D.  He has also been shown hallucinating to the point that in certain comics even the reader becomes confused: Did he ever even have powers in the first place? What is he truly experiencing? There is cases wherein extreme fear of situations he takes on other personalities for long periods. His most notable secondary persona is Jake Lockley. Some even theorizing he may have a form of schizophrenia.

  Wonder woman is a non-human who has a human appearance. She experiences a few mental illnesses although compared to some heroes they seem to lackluster and nonserious. Yet although hers are less than painful than some that does not mean they aren’t important just rather a different type. One said illness a very common one in heroes P.T.S.D. For her she had been living her life believing one thing only to find a large portion of the place the memories took place in being false. This and a mix of other things she has experienced sent her into a level of shock which sent her into a catatonic state. She would experience things such as hallucinations of a snake that came out of her arm and would talk to her. (Do not do what she did to help hers see a therapist for help if you can.) She ended up as much as some with an illness like P.T.S.D can she cured herself by doing a form of self-exploration. 

 

   Daredevil is a different character. His mental illness isn’t his only illness though. Matthew Murdock is a blind lawyer.  He is an extremely interesting character being born from a poor family. His mother started experiencing P.P.D. This led to her attacking matt as young age her husband jack stopped the attack in turn she left and joined a covenant in which later on would meet and connect back with matt. The more important part of that is rather that he could inherit depression. Later on, in his life this mattering on which version his dad who was a boxer would be killed for not throwing a fight. Either being a gymnast/Boxer as a child or be taught by the character stick. Either way, he would at some point lose his sight from trying to save a man from a chemical spill. This would aide in his fighting ability because of his enhanced senses. Yet as with many superheroes’ death plagued him like his own shadow. His two lovers both killed by a very common villain named kingpin. Depression would become an illness he is constantly fighting. A section a comic would show in a set of three panels of his fist seeming to push through a thick layer of a gelatin-like substance that didn’t want to bend. This representing the battle against depression the words accompanying this would hit home for many.  “Get up you have momentum now, don’t let the shadows pull you back in. Inertia is the enemy; do something, move. Move Matthew”

  This is not to say generations raging back long before D.C. was even an idea didn’t need heroes. Yet rather than their issues were different not to say they didn’t deserve them. Those times didn’t have them and then seemingly losing them.  Logically they probably did posters for survival and fighting spirit but they could see and hold the hope themselves without needing to hear things like this to believe they were safe…

  “I am iron man” and think that he will protect me even through a screen or comic book page.

  “I could do this all day” Imagining him using his shield to protect you from bullets physical and metaphorical.

  “With great power comes great responsibility” Knowing that he’ll catch you as you fall into your depressive episodes.

  “Odin’s beard!” Knowing that although he could be doing other things there were those with powers to hurt yet use them to help

  “Excelsior!” That no matter what there will be hope and there will be those willing to save you in the darkest times.

  Now “I am iron man” echoes in pained breaths. “I could do this all day” feels more like a mock of how hard our lives trying to break us down. “Odin’s beard!” Feels like lightning piercing the heart knowing it may never sing out its call again. “Excelsior!” Now there’s an emptiness it licks at the ears, eyes, brain, and heart and it feels like it will never refill.

The face of hope seems stripped away now as a series of movies and characters have finally waved a long-awaited farewell. Wolverine said goodbye as time has gone on the x-men series slowly seemed to lose its tact yet there was always a joy knowing there was a mix of different people keeping us all safe.

  Iron man gave his most graceful goodbye, and now his addiction seems more appealing so there’s still a connection. America placed his shield away and watched his sunset, now fighting so that way someone is protecting others seems kind. Thor laughed booming and it echoes trying to claw anything close enough to that joy one last time.

  Memories of our heroes will always be here leaving an aching in the lungs.

[keysmashchronicles]

my history in phandom and fandom

I’ve always been an avid reader. If I’d have been born twenty years later than I was and grew up in a time when every kid has tablet or a phone, that need for stories might have been filled by TV or other formats instead, but in my childhood years it was all about books, and visiting the library as often as possible. I often daydreamed about the characters in books the books I read, mostly egocentric thoughts of what it would be like if I were to somehow find myself in the stories I was reading. What would it be like to have them as my friends, to be part of those adventures? Of course, in typical Mary-Sue fashion, it wasn’t the real me that I imagined in those daydreams, but some idealised version that was cleverer and funnier and prettier and of course, someone all the other characters either envied or adored.

As I got older, and we moved beyond the stage of just having one TV in the house, my obsessive nature shifted to include TV shows as well as books. The first show that really caught my imagination was Dawson’s Creek. I loved it, the over-articulate teens with all their angsty problems heightened by their hormones going haywire, going through mental health issues and struggles with sexuality and of course, the classic love triangle. I couldn’t wait to tune in every week and catch up on what was happening in Capeside.

I’m not sure how it happened, but one day I was online on our cranky old computer and stumbled across some Dawson’s Creek fanfiction. I was amazed, and fascinated, and also terrified that someone in my family was going to walk in and catch me reading it. But I read every story on that website, and then started looking for more. I couldn’t believe there were other people out there like me, people who didn’t just watch a TV programme and then forget it about it until the following week.  There were others who thought about the characters in a TV show so much, it was almost like they became real. People who wanted to analyse every aspect of the relationships the characters had on screen, and also take these characters off into plots and stories and worlds that were nothing like what actually happened in the show, imagine them in endless different scenarios and see them experience every kind of emotion and think about how they’d react. People who wanted to write or read over and over again about the same characters because they found more and more to discover about them every time they did.I had found my happy place!

Over the years, the obsession with fanfic remained, but the focus of it shifted.I’d go through a cycle – discover a new fandom, immerse myself in it for maybe a year or two, then slowly lose interest. There would be a period where I wouldn’t read fic for a while, maybe 6 months or a year, and then all of a sudden, a new show would capture my attention and I’d be off and running again.

After my interest in Dawson’s Creek had run it’s course, the show that took its place for me was Buffy. As I recall, I had only watched a few episodes here and there and then a writer I was already reading started to post Buffy fics. I read a couple and realised that there must be much more to this show than I’d thought if it was inspiring such good writing. I think that obsession must have lasted a good 3-4 years, one of the longest I’ve had.  There was just so much good stuff for writers to work with - a whole cast of interesting well-developed characters, the good vs evil narrative, the endless possibilities of spells and demons and alternate universes and origin stories and the threat that the world might end at any moment….the list goes on. And also, there was the smut  - I’d read a fair amount in my previous fandom, but Buffy fics took it to a whole other level (this by the way being a major cause of the confusion I had when trying to work out my own sexuality - how can I be asexual? Have you seen my AO3 history???)

After that came the West Wing, followed by House, followed by the other behemoth of my fandom life, Sherlock. With all of these, although I read a hell of a lot of fic, that was always as far as my involvement in fandom went. I didn’t feel the need to join any fandom communities, in fact I don’t really think I would have known much about where or how to get involved if I’d wanted to. In the early days, the fic I read was on fan-hosted sites, with the aid of webrings to help you discover other authors. Then for a long time it was fanfiction.net, livejournal and finally AO3 where I read most of my fic today.

So how did I get into phanfic? In the aftermath of Sherlock series 4, it felt like my engagement with fic in that fandom came to a bit of a stop – there wasn’t really anywhere much to take the story in terms of canon, and a lot of people felt that the whole Eurus plotline had been kind of a jumping the shark moment. For myself, I’d got to that stage where it felt like there was nothing new under the sun. I was feeling the fatigue that always eventually came when I’d overread a fandom, and no matter how hard I’d try to find something to interest me, nothing seemed to capture my imagination any more.

I left the fic alone for quite a while, turning mostly back to traditionally published media – I dipped a toe back into Sherlock fic on occasion, read a bit of MCU here and there but nothing significant.

Then one evening in June 2019, I was scrolling through Twitter when I decided to check what was trending and saw a name I didn’t recognise – Daniel Howell. I had no idea who he was, but lots of other people were clearly very excited by something he’d done, so I thought I’d have a look and find out why. Usually when this happens, it turns the person is either on a reality TV show or plays sports of some kind,  but on this occasion I saw the words ‘YouTuber’ and ‘coming out video’ and it piqued my interest. The only experience I really had of watching YouTubers was through my step niece, when she’d had an obsession with Miranda Sings and we’d watched a lot of her videos together, including collabs, so I knew a few names but not much beyond that.

I clicked on Dan’s video, fully expecting that like with most random clicks, I’d watch for a minute or two before getting bored and looking for something else to occupy my attention, but that didn’t happen. The video was incredible and I was absolutely transfixed for the whole 45 minutes. I thought it was brilliant - the deeply personal story that was being told, the humour, the well-thought out and confidently delivered arguments – I don’t think I’d ever seen anything like it. As someone who had come to identify as asexual and panromantic but not until they were in their late 30s, and who was (is?) still in a place of trying to understand what that meant in my life, it was also hugely resonant to me on a personal level, helping me to realise the unacknowledged but damaging internalised acephobia and homophobia that I was still carrying with me.

I went to Dan’s channel and watched some of his videos, then was curious about that guy named Phil that he’d mentioned, so I watched some of his videos too. I came across the first PINOF and was completely charmed by it, by their rapport and silly humour and how they clearly felt so comfortable just to muck about and be themselves.

For a while I was happy just going through all the content on their channels. It didn’t really occur to me to look for fic until it was referenced in one of their videos. Up until then, RPF had really not been my thing – I’d seen some fics written about the actors who played characters in my various fandoms and I’d avoided them because it had made me feel uncomfortable about what they’d think if they saw them. I’d also scrolled past a lot of 1D and BTS fic when browsing on AO3 tags and to be honest, had had a pretty snobby opinion about it.

But having heard Dan’s story, and then seen dnp’s obvious connection in their videos, I was curious to see what the fans’ take had been on their relationship, and also to see what was being written about them now that Dan had come out. I looked to see if there was anything about them on AO3 and bam! There it was, my next fic obsession had grabbed hold of me and there wasn’t anything much I could do about it!

Since then, I’ve not only read a ton of fics, but even had a go at writing a few. It’s painful because they never come anywhere near the standard of the fics and writers I really admire. I have the desire to want to write well, but also a complete lack of the patience and dedication it takes to develop the necessary skill. But for the first time I didn’t let that stop me from publishing a few fics as I realised I was really writing for myself, to have an outlet for thoughts and ideas that had been going around in my head, and if anyone happened to read it, that was just a bonus.

Then through reading the Seven Basic Plots, I realised that what I’m more interested in at the moment than learning to write fics myself is to come to a greater understanding of how they work, and what exactly has been fuelling my fic obsession for over 20 years (wow....that was weird to think about! Such a long time!)

So that’s my history in fandom, and in phandom, and explains why reading a book about the nature of stories and their purpose made me immediately think that I wanted to examine those ideas in relation to something I know and love – phanfiction.

the seven basic plots // 1st plot - overcoming the monster

[harleyquilt]

Beware The Green-Eyed Monster Pt.2

Summary: Touka is worried about the stress Kaneki is going through in the TSC, but he refuses to be upfront about it. And so, she decides to take matters into her own hands...

Words: 6441~

Notes: So, uh, this is a sequel, I guess. I decided to make Kaneki the jealous one in this one, because damn, he’s cute when he’s jealous. It’s also a set two years after the whole dragon mess, just for context. Anyhow...hope you enjoy!

Kaneki, as of late, was anxious about something. What it was, Touka couldn’t tell, but she knew there was something. The TSC, the group that was supposedly replacing the CCG, was asking for his presence more often than usual lately. She understood that as Kaneki was responsible for the destruction of Tokyo, despite it not truly being his fault, he had much to repay for. She may not completely agree, but she at least understood the circumstances. Still, she had a good feeling that whatever was making Kaneki worry was related to these frequent meetings. However, whenever she tried to pry the answer from Kaneki, he’d always dismiss his stress and reassure her that everything was okay, even though it clearly wasn’t.

In truth, Touka felt almost regretful that she couldn’t be of better help to him. Everything was a mess and even after two whole years, there was still much to rebuild and repay. Touka also had her hands full trying to take care of Ichika. She had plenty of support, of course, and though Kaneki had his own debts to pay in the TSC, he was the best father anyone could ask for. Yet, whilst she was being given all this support, she only wished to extend this support to Kaneki. He was still her husband and best friend, after all, and he needed just as much support as she did.

If she had said this to Kaneki, she was sure he’d simply retort with gushing comments of how much she already supported him - he was too predictable. No, she wanted to do more. She may not be able to undo the horrific trauma and experiences he had to go through - even with his amnesia with Haise, he continued to suffer - that was simply something they’d have to live with together, but perhaps she could at least try to help alleviate the workload he was being given. The only question was how and to know how, she needed to know what was it the TSC are placing onto his shoulders. Now Nishiki did warn her to try not to stick her nose into other people’s business, and before she would have agreed, but she had noble intentions in mind. That should be enough to justify her actions.

Kaneki walked into the kitchen when Touka was thinking these thoughts, his tired eyes blinking slowly as he ruffled his dramatically messy bed hair. Walking over, he wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his chin on top of her head as he yawned. She nudged him with her elbow with a smile, whilst all the while, she mischievously thought out her plans for tomorrow when Kaneki would likely be asked into the TSC headquarters again.

“What are you thinking?” He kissed the top of her head before moving on to make coffee for the two of them. “You seem deep in thought.”

“I’m thinking about how disgusting these apples are.” Touka sneered at the slices of apples before her and she held her nose as she dropped the contaminated knife into the sink. “Why does it have so much blood? It’s so sticky and it’s unavoidable too. And the smell…”

“Well, first of all, it’s called juice.” She dumped them into a bowl for Ichika, throwing each one in with more and more disgust and rage. “And secondly, you ate a bunch of them when you were pregnant. It’s no wonder its her favourite.” Touka glared at Kaneki then, mumbling an accusation that it must be from his side of the family. “No no no, my favourite was hamburg steak…I should cook it for her one day.”

“If you do,” she placed the bowl on the living room table, “makes sure you give out the warning to evacuate.” Looking over to him with a smirk, waiting for him to insist once again that they should cook together, she saw him smile a goofy, blushing smile that left her heart fluttering. Out of panic, she threw a slice at him and lurked off to Ichika’s room as he was left sputtering at the apple blood.

. . .

Kaneki was in the shower and the small, chubby Ichika rolled on the floor, gnawing away at the apple slice she had in hand. And all the while, Touka sat in her seat with her coffee in hand, thinking intensely on how she should execute her plan. Kaneki was easy to conquer in his own ways, though if it was something too dangerous, he’ll act more defensive than he usually would be. That wasn’t to suggest that Touka wouldn’t be able to sway him to let her help, it would just offer insight into what exactly his problem was.

As she was left thinking, she watched Ichika roll back to the bowl of apple slices, her legs wobbling as she pulled herself onto her feet. When she realised that she had finished all her slices, she fell back onto the floor, turning the bowl this way and that as she watched with wide eyes. She then broke out into a smile and placed the empty bowl onto her head, laughing as she called for Touka.

“A disguise? No, that wouldn’t work.” Picking Ichika up, Touka wiped her mouth and hands whilst trying to ignore the sour stench of the apples. Ichika, whilst still laughing, stack out her tongue and blew a raspberry right in front of Touka’s face. “Spit in his face? Bold, but no. Though I like your style.”

Kaneki, with some alarm, watched as Touka reminisced these words. Whoever this person was, Kaneki sincerely hoped it wasn’t him. Though, even with his hopes that it wasn’t him, he knew deep down that it was. It was clear she was up to something, considering that she was in this trance-like state the majority of the whole morning, and whatever it was, it concerned him. He worried, for a moment, that it was due to her finding out about him breaking her favourite mug. He knew he shouldn’t have blamed it on Ayato, but he just couldn’t stand the pressure. Ah, all this guilt was too much. First he blamed his saviour, and now he was lying to his wife. She was planning her revenge, wasn’t she?!

“I’m sorry, Touka-chan!” Both Touka and Ichika turned to see Kaneki bowing on the floor, who was mostly naked with only a towel wrapped around his hips. “I won’t do it again!”

For a moment, Touka thought she was perhaps found out, even though that was technically impossible. Perhaps one of those new organs of his gave him the ability to mind-read. It was silly, but they were a species that shot out giant organ weapons from their backs. Regardless, she explained that she had no idea what it was he was apologising for and he remained still for a moment. When he finally lifted his face, it was red with embarrassment and walking away with slump shoulders, he muttered another apology for his silliness. Ichika, being the wonderful daughter she was, decided to show her support by pointing at her father whilst laughing at him.

Later that day, they decided to go out, since the weather was pleasant enough. More importantly, though, Kaneki finally had time to spend with his family. The work in the TSC was important, so Touka never held it against him, but due to their increasing demands for his presence, he was left having little time to himself. Whatever time he did have he’d spend with Touka and Ichika, despite his exhaustion. She would insist that he should spend this time resting, recovering his energy in whatever way he could, yet he would simply say that he’d rather be with his family. She didn’t doubt his words - his love for his family and friends were clear as day. What she did worry about was the fact that Kaneki was overworking both his body and mind. Since the tragedy of two years ago, he has opened up about his experiences, both from recent years and those of his past, and he decided to try to seek out more help from those around him. Even so, there were things he still had to deal with, like the nightmares he’d have every few weeks, or the depressive episodes that left him miserable and fatigued.

At first, she thought perhaps the work at the TSC would help distract him until they could sort it out together. Yet, with the more work he was receiving and the more time he spent having to deal with their continuous jobs, it was becoming clear that these jobs were not in any way helping him. If anything, it was only leading to more stress when he should be healing. All that progress he has made since the tortuous days before almost felt wasted when she saw him return home late at night, heavy bags under his eyes and body weak from the tiredness he carried. It was painful to watch and worst of all, she couldn’t seem to do anything about it. Or rather, he wouldn’t allow her to do anything about it in fear that she’d simply burden the same pressures he had to, especially with Ichika to look after. He was still too gentle, in the end.

Touka, Kaneki and Ichika sat under a tree in the park, a blanket under them and more apple slices placed down for the small brat. Touka leaned into Kaneki’s side, resting her head against his shoulder and she smiled at the small nervous hesitance he had when placing an arm around her, pulling her closer. They’ve been together for so long now, and still, he acted as if they had just gotten together. She never tired of his lovable reactions; the way he’d break into a smile every time she’d laugh, or how he’d always call her beautiful in bed. It was as if no time had passed at all and she couldn’t help but feel relieved. Even with everything going on, he was still the same Kaneki with her - though of course, this wasn’t to mean that he couldn’t be honest with himself during these moments.

“This is nice.” Kaneki sighed. He was now counting with Ichika, though she couldn’t manage beyond the first number, and he looked back at Touka, an almost somber look in his expression. “I know we should be doing this more often. I’ve been so busy lately.”

Touka was silent for a moment, perhaps waiting for him to continue. Sitting up, she faced him directly, their eyes meeting. “Why won’t you tell me what it is you’ve been doing lately? Maybe I can help.” He shook his head almost immediately before she pinched his cheeks between her hand. “Don’t give me that. If you won’t tell me, I’ll just have to come along with you tomorrow and see for myself.”

There were several things he wanted to say. “But what about Ichika?” He finally asked, his words garbled from her pinching. Indeed, a decisive move, trying to use Ichika as a cover, even though what he said wasn’t exactly wrong. “Someone will look after her. It’ll only be one day, isn’t that right Ichika?” They both turned to their child, who was busy trying to catch an ant. “See, she agrees and so it’s settled. I’ll join you at work tomorrow, see what it is I can do.”

She leaned back down, resting against him and he was left worrying whilst thinking about the next day. Deep down, he was undeniably excited to have Touka with him for the day, since he always felt somewhat lonely after spending so little time with her. Still, she had no interest in this business, hence why she kept her distance both now and the time they spent underground. She was only joining him because she was concerned for his well being, which was another worry of his. Because he wasn’t able to deal with his own problems, he was now dragging in Touka, when he didn’t want to trouble her at all. Perhaps it won’t be so bad, accepting help. She was much more firm than he was, after all...Ah, he should probably warn the others then.

“O-Okay, we can go to the TSC together then.” He cleared his throat and Touka smiled, hugging him tighter. Both knew that she didn’t need permission - she was going to go along whether he wanted it or not - but it was nice that this was something they could now face together. “Um...What exactly are you going to wear?”

. . .

Kaneki watched Touka with mouth agape and jaw slacked, amazed and astounded at the glorious sight before him. She turned in front of the mirror, dressed in office wear - a pencil shirt, a rose-pink blouse, a waistcoat and a ribbon tie. She was even trying on his glasses, which kept on slipping down her nose. He was a fool, how could he be so naive. He thought it’d be a fun time, having Touka besides him for the day, but he failed to foresee the torment he’d have to go through with her looking so beautiful like this. He was a damn fool!

Meanwhile, Ichika entertained herself by tangling one of Touka’s necklaces with her hands, her bracelets and bangles hanging off her small arms. When her mother asked her for her opinion on her new look, Ichika offered a beaming smile, the bracelets clanking together as she gave her applause. Touka then turned to her gawking husband, who was still staring with a starstruck gaze. With his mind distracted, his tie tangled around his hands and she rolled her eyes, deciding to help him out.

“And what do you think, Mr. Kaneki.” Touka first gave a cheeky smile before she realised she wasn’t sure how to tie a tie herself. She ended up tangling it up even more. “How do...these things-”

Kaneki leaned in, catching her off guard with a small kiss. It was only for a moment, yet she was left breathless. He grabbed her hands and took them away from the now knotted tie, holding them between his. “You look gorgeous. I think you coming in today is really going to help. Sorry for being so weird about it before.” She looked away for a moment, lifting a hand to hide her small smile. However, before either could say any more, Kaneki caught sight of Ichika scribbling her face with lipstick.

Touka was now in the kitchen, scrubbing away Ichika’s unusually red cheeks whilst Kaneki cleared away the makeup. It baffled the two of them that this two year old, who could barely walk, was able to reach the top of the drawers whilst they had their backs turned for a brief few minutes. They knew she was a miracle child in a sense, but this was going too far. Regardless, they had other things to focus on.

As soon as Ayato and Hinami arrived to look after Ichika, they left to go to TSC. Throughout their journey, Kaneki couldn’t seem to calm down. His eyes continued to wonder back to her every now and again and he took any and every chance he could to hold her hand. It was ridiculous - he was acting as if this was their first date. Was he really that miserable before? Did she simply not notice how much he had to go through? Or...was this how he usually was around her in public? Perhaps she was somewhat more self conscious since it had been a while since it was just the two of them going out together. Though going out to his job wasn’t exactly- Nevermind. As long as he was happy, she couldn’t complain.

The TSC building was as regular as any other office building, nothing like the dramatic designs of the previous CCG buildings. She shouldn’t be too surprised, since they couldn’t waste resources trying to make a statement. The city was still in repair and the TSC didn’t have the time or space to set up something extravagant. Even so, the interior reminded her of the CCG, though that was perhaps due to the personnel rather than the actual layout. It was, at the very least, nothing as intense as what it once was. There were ghouls mixed in with the humans and those horrid gates were nowhere in sight - it was certainly an improvement, in its own way.

Touka would be lying if she said that she’d never considered partaking in this organisation. Again, this was a vast improvement with the hunted now being comrades with the hunters and hopefully, in the future where perhaps Ichika can grow up in, such bitter rifts between two species will no longer exist. She tried not to hope for too much, especially with everything that happened, but it was...uplifting to witness this union, any union really, form between them. At the end of the day, it was clear that this union only occured because they now have a common enemy to fight against, though it was hopefully a good step into a better relationship between humans and ghouls. Nonetheless, Touka ultimately felt that she had no place in these organisations. Despite her hopes for a united future, she still couldn’t forgive the humans for what they did to her and her friends, even if she didn’t hate them as one collective group. Such conflictive feelings like that would make her unfit to serve something so sincere. She was fine with that, Kaneki was too. Besides, she wanted to open another cafe one day, hopefully.

As they made their way through the building, Touka became increasingly aware of the eyes watching both her and Kaneki. With her, she could understand - she wasn’t technically supposed to be here, she was bound to get a few confused stares. Then there was Kaneki, where it was almost an obligatory look they gave him. It wasn’t on the same level as when they were in the underground, the ghouls preaching him as their nameless king whilst he passed by. Instead, these people sent off a mixture of vibes. Some still saw him highly, it was clear as day, and those people were obviously ghouls. The humans, on the other hand, were more hesitant with their intent. She wasn’t too surprised to see that even after all this time, he was still given looks of spite and disgust and she couldn’t hold it against them, not really. Still, she was tempted to kick their asses for such looks, even if Kaneki acted as if he couldn’t see them. So, this was what he had to face every time he came here. She wasn’t exactly sure how he managed to deal with the judgement. Another reason why she kept herself away from this business.

They eventually ran into Tsukiyama, who was now apparently a representative for the United Front. Not that she had any idea what that meant. She was sure he explained it before, and Kaneki, and Nishiki, and most others, but it was clearly too boring for her to bother remembering.

“Ah, Kirishima-san. You look elegant today.” Tsukiyama clasped his hands together, nodding his head in approval of her outfit. Even though he was the one who picked out the outfit for her. “And what a pleasure it is to see you here with your beloved husband. Let us hope you won’t be too big a distraction.”

“Don’t get the wrong idea, stupid-yama. I’m here for serious business.” She grabbed Kaneki’s shoulder, making him jump in response. “To be more specific, I’m here for maintenance. I’d appreciate your cooperation.”

“Ah, Touka.” Hide popped up from behind Tsukiyama and he gave a small wave at the couple. Including a look of sympathy for Kaneki. “We’ll help you in any way we can. I talked to Marude and he agreed to let you hang out with us for the day, granted that you don’t cause a ruckus or anything.”

“First of all, Marude never agreed, you just left the room before he could reply.” Tsukiyama smirked then, tapping his chin with his finger, as if in deep thought. “And this is Touka Kirishima we’re talking about. I’ll be surprised if the the building is still intact once the day is-”

Touka stamped on Tsukiyama’s foot, careful to make sure her stiletto heel would precisely hit his biggest toe. His face froze up on the impact and Kaneki and Hide exchanged nervous looks before they slowly lurked away, insisting that they heard someone calling for them. With a triumphed grin, she joined the other two.

They entered what looked like a meeting room, a table extending around the sides of the room. At the front sat Marude with his associate Mabuchi sat by his side, Hide and Kaneki taking a seat nearby. Tsukiyama, who was pale and sweating, took his seat in the front next to Banjou and others started to arrive, filling up the empty spaces around the room. They all greeted her and to her surprise, they were incredibly friendly. She didn’t suppose that they knew that she was a ghoul, not that it should make a difference to begin with, and she couldn’t help but feel somewhat flattered by the friendliness. Both men and women complimented her look and some even recognised her as Kaneki’s wife, showing their own respect for her position. What this position was, she wasn’t sure. Some even went as far as to call her queen. It astounded her, in some ways, that she was seen in such high regard. A part of her knew that she didn’t truly want to be seen as some goddess and be worshipped the same way Kaneki was, and yet...Well, she’ll only be here for this one day, and for Kaneki’s sake too, so she might as well indulge herself for the time being.

. . .

Kaneki was pouting. Or rather, he was glaring. No, to be precise, he was both pouting and glaring and the corner of his mouth twitched every now and again. Hide watched with some worry and followed his gaze, which was directed towards Touka. She was surrounded by a few members of the TSC and they all seemed taken away with her. It was possible they mistook her for a new employee, though he heard some of them mention her name every now and again. Either way, Kaneki appeared to be uncomfortable with this turn of events.

“What are you glaring at?” Hide nudged him and Kaneki shook his head, returning back to the usual gentle expression he wore. He insisted that it was nothing, his hand moving up to rub his chin. Hide gave him an unimpressed look before turning back to watch Touka. “My my, she’s very popular, that wife of yours. Just like back at the cafe. She certainly catches everyone’s attention.”

“Of course she does. She’s amazing.” Despite his kind, disgustingly sappy words, there was a clear sharp undertone to his voice. Hide grinned and sat back, Kaneki raising a brow. “What? What is it? Why are you looking at me like that?” Hide ignored him and instead checked his nails whilst replying only with a shrug. “Look, I’m not bothered by this.”

“Oh yeah?”

“There’s no reason for me to be jealous. I’m being silly and immature.”

“Ah, so you admit that you’re jealous.” Kaneki coughed loudly over his words as Touka approached them. After apologising for being distracted by the others, she took her seat behind them. Kaneki took a deep breath and Hide leaned in, his voice now a whisper. “C’mon, dude. She came here for you and you alone.” He nodded, now relaxing some more. “And she’ll be here allll day, so try not to lose your cool by the end of it.” Kaneki shoved him away, grumbling how this was just another punishment he had to face.

The meeting went on as usual, everyone stating their reports on the progress of Tokyo’s rebuilding. The TSC school was running smoothly, apparently, but the threat of the beasts Furuta created remained at large. It had been on everyone’s mind that these beasts became less beast-like and more intelligent as time went on. It was undeniable at this point, even if they were still a far cry from being sentient species. The dots were being connected and theories began to spread; they were, perhaps, the connection between humanity and ghouls, more significantly the origin of the ghouls to begin with. Though, even that was a large leap in terms of theories. Regardless, they were still a threat...Their development would have to faced another time, when they are no longer rampaging monsters thirsting for meat.

Touka sat quietly, listening in every now and again, and she waited patiently for the end. At times, she was tempted to add some of her own input, but any comment she had would usually be said by someone else. They were more open-minded than she expected, especially towards improving the community between human and ghouls. Still boring, though. At the very end, they started assigning different tasks. Marude stood, pointing at a map with different events scattered across. The room was mostly empty by the time the main members were being addressed. Kaneki’s hands awkwardly clasped on the table, his head somewhat bowed. Hide took notice and glanced back at Touka with a small Frown. She shuffled in her seat, kicking his chair. He looked back and she offered him a thumbs up, Kaneki smiling in return.

“Kaneki-kun.” Marude turned to him next. His voice was raspy and his face was sunken with age. The director certainly seemed like a tired man. “I’m sorry to ask this but…” He started to list various tasks, from helping to find a missing peacekeeper, to speaking with a rebel ghoul who specifically demanded Kaneki’s presence. Touka winced with every new, ongoing task, alongside the others who all felt equally as sympathetic.

“I’m sorry, but doesn’t this seem ridiculous?” Touka stood with a frown, voice stern and blunt. Kaneki smiled awkwardly, scratching the back of his head and Tsukiyama and Hide smiled with some gratitude.

“Miss Kirishima.” Marude sighed, tossing aside his clipboard. “I am very aware of how extreme this is-”

“But?”

“But...I don’t know what I can tell you. I really do try to make this easier for Kaneki, but it’s hard to convince people that he isn’t some villain that needs repentance.” Touka was confused at first and it showed, Marude continuing to explain. “Dangerous issues like these- it’s easy to simply make Kaneki take responsibility with the justification that he caused the issues to begin with.” She was about to protest, but he held up a hand, cutting her off. “I really do understand, it’s not as if I agree with these people. Well, not entirely anyway. Besides, Kaneki accepts the jobs, so I’m not going to waste my time changing his mind. Now, if you don’t mind, I want some coffee.”

He left the room, along with his assistant, and the room was left silent. Touka, with hands on hips, looked down at Kaneki and he could only smile awkwardly once again. Hide, sensing the tension, decided to drag Tsukiyama and Banjou out of the room before anything could be said. Kaneki flinched when the door shut, his eyes slowly moving back to Touka’s disapproving face. However, rather than her directing her complaints at him, she simply sighed and sat back down.

She came all this way to help him and she was useless. What was she really expecting? It wasn’t as if she was any kind of authority and even if she was, the people demand him to make up for his mistakes. What was probably most painful was the fact that Kaneki accepted this tremendous burden without hesitance. He was clearly still blaming himself for the tragedy. It was hard not to, she could understand this, but still...to think that he still felt this big a need to prove himself.

Kaneki watched with some concern, tilting his head to one side. Touka was clearly troubled by this, more so than he expected. He wasn’t exactly sure why she came here besides the fact that he could possibly use some company. She looked so disappointed at herself. Not him. Herself. Even though, just a moment ago, she went as far as to protest against the workload he was receiving. He might have accepted the work to begin with, but to see her so unhesitatingly defend him was touching and he hated to see her scold herself for such efforts.

“I’m sorry, Kaneki.” Touka finally said, leaning back against her seat. “I was no help at all. I couldn’t give you the break you needed.”

“Ah, is that what this was all about?” Kaneki took her hand into his and shuffled his seat closer to hers. “You don’t need to worry-”

“But I do. I can’t help it, when you return home, barely awake. I can’t stand it. And yet, here you are, allowing them to walk all over you.” He was about to lower his face then, in guilt of having Touka worry so much, but she cupped his face in her hands, turning him to face her. “You don’t need to keep proving yourself, you understand? Whatever hatred you feel for yourself, it will be forgiven. And if it isn’t, then we’ll just have to accept it and move on.”

Her head leaned against his and he watched with eyes wide with surprise. He placed his hands over hers and leaned up to plant a soft kiss against her lips. “You’re amazing, Touka-chan.” He chuckled and pulled her into a tight hug. “If I knew it’d make you worry so much - and ruin my health, it seems - I would’ve perhaps rejected Marude some more.” Touka mumbled that he was a liar and Kaneki couldn’t deny. At least, with Touka here, he could be more confident with himself. “Unfortunately, it seems my day is already set out for me. I’ll start taking care after this.”

As she listened to his calm heartbeat, his hand rubbing slowly against her back, she thought to herself for a moment. She thought deeply. It was still the beginning of the day and the long list of tasks were half filled with mundane jobs anyone could do. With an idea in mind, she then stood abruptly, Kaneki waiting for her to explain whatever it was she was thinking. However, rather than an answer, she quickly rushed out the room without another word, leaving Kaneki all alone.

. . .

When Kaneki left the meeting room, he roamed around the different offices calling for Touka. She was nowhere to be found and he worried for a moment that she could possibly be lost. Then again, knowing her, if she were to find herself lost, she’d simply smash the nearby window and leap down to the streets. Worryingly, that was the least of his concerns.

Eventually, he spotted her in the break room making coffee. When he looked closer, he realised she wasn’t just making one for her. Standing next to her was a pretty high ranking TSC member and they seemed noticeably interested in what Touka had to say. She then offered them a cup, a kind, heartwarming smile on her face. Before he knew it, Kaneki found himself lurking behind the door, glaring daggers at this clearly presumptuous and rude coworker of his. They were now laughing and they were complimenting her on her coffee. Of course they would, but how dare they!

When the coworker started to head towards the door, Kaneki moved to the other wall, trying his best to look natural. They greeted them as they walked past and Touka soon followed behind. She didn’t notice Kaneki at first as she watched the coworker head around the corner, and she jumped when she finally turned to her husband. He wanted to ask her what it was they were doing, besides drinking her coffee, but she almost immediately left, leaving Kaneki alone once again. He took a deep breath, and then another, though he found himself pouting once again. He slapped his cheeks, scolding himself, and he decided to go ahead and try to find Touka again.

As he tried to predict where he’d find her next, he saw her in the worker’s lounge, a few people sat besides her. They were all laughing, bonding over whatever it was they were talking about. Kaneki’s heart began to twist then, a sharp stab of loneliness holding him back from joining them. To think she’d get along so well with the others...There was nothing wrong with it, she was always likable, yet he couldn’t help but crave her attention once again. It was incredibly immature, he knew, especially since he was her husband and they had a child. And still, here he was, wondering why it was she desired their company over his. Maybe she was simply trying to stay out of his way, or entertain herself, since he took on all those jobs. This...was his fault, wasn’t it? He should’ve paid more attention-

His thoughts were then cut off when another worker leaned forward, brushing aside her hair with the claim that it was beautiful. Now Touka was blushing. Whenever he compliments it, she would shove him away and hide her face. This was hardly fair! With this new resolve bubbling up within him, he decided to head straight to Touka and take her away from these undeserving people. However, when he walked into the lounge, she was gone once again.

. . .

It was lunchtime and most people were now in the cafeteria or cafe, leaving the main offices mostly empty, spare for the one or two workers catching up with their issued jobs. With a deep breath, Touka smoothed out the creases in her suit and looked around for Kaneki. She noticed him snooping around for her before, though he stopped following her at one point. She was tempted to go back for him, yet she knew it’d be worth it if she carried on ahead and explained later.

She found Hide, Tsukiyama and Banjou seated at their usual desks and she asked them if they had seen Kaneki. Considering the jobs he had to do, it shouldn’t have been too surprising to hear that he went out to start some of them. And so, she decided to wait for him by hanging out with the others, catching up on whatever she missed the past few months. While the chatter did pass the time, Touka found herself impatient for Kaneki’s return, more so now than she usually was and within a few hours, she found him enter the room with a bunch of flowers in hand. In her mind, she mentally facepalmed.

The three others began to collectively snicker and Touka, whilst panicking, leaped forwards and dragged Kaneki back out the room. He was flustered, which was probably because he ran his way here, and he continued to hold the flowers. It turned out that he picked out her favourites, in her favourite colour too, with a little bunny note attached. It then struck her - was there an anniversary she was forgetting?!

“Touka-chan.” Kaneki breathed heavily, Touka watching incredulously. “I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting you. I-I’ll be a better husband. I’ll try to take more days off, I promise. J-Just...Please d-don’t hate me.” He winced as he held out the flowers and she took them, blinking slowly between the two.

“...What?” With her blank expression, Kaneki grew quiet and he now wondered if the flowers weren’t enough. Maybe he should take out the gold necklace too- “Kaneki, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Oh…” More silence. “But you’ve been avoiding me all day, spending time with everyone else.”

“I, uh, how to explain this. I was dishing out your jobs to other people. You know, like the smaller ones that don’t really require you specifically. I thought maybe it’d help. Whilst being a nice surprise.” Kaneki stared at the ground for a moment as he took in these words and with this new realisation, his face turned bright red. He looked up, looking as stiff and awkward as Touka.

However, just when he was about to make a dramatic apology for acting so childish, Touka burst out laughing, her cheeks flushed and a huge smile on her face. Kaneki couldn’t help but join her and the two ended up laughing hysterically in the middle of a office corridor without a care in the world. When they finally calmed down, Touka wrapped her arms around him, thanking him for his gift and in return, he thanked her for her hard efforts.

He was always, always so worried about the outcome of his choices, no matter how many years pass. Yet, during moments like these, he was reminded that the biggest support in his life would always be by his side and she would never fail to understand him and help him through whatever it was he was going through. She was his saviour, so maybe it wasn’t so surprising that he was scared of losing her. But...she was scared of losing him too, wasn’t she? They also had a beautiful daughter to care for together too. It was no wonder that she tried so hard to help him get by, even if he didn’t deserve it half the time.

“Hey, I think I’m going to go home now.” Touka kissed his cheek and he kissed her in return, their faces inches apart. “Ayato is desperately asking for me to take Ichika from him before she pulls all his hair out. And besides, I don’t want you getting all jealous again.”

“I wasn’t- Okay, I was jealous, but you were teasing me.”

“Hm, only a little. It’s funny to see you get all hot and bothered.” She pulled away, smirking. “But I’ll be sure to make it up to you later.”

“I’ll try to come home earlier today, I promise.” He held her hand until she was too far to reach, his heart still leaping with ecstatic joy. “I love you.”

He whispered those words again once she was gone. Even though she was now gone, he knew that she’d be able to hear them. However, now that this whole misunderstanding was over, he faced a greater challenge ahead, likely his greatest. He saw Hide film the exchange and they’ve been laughing about it for the past few minutes. He knew he shouldn’t use his kagune, and yet...

[slothcritic]

Dragon Ball Z Abridged - Episode 8 Review

Consistent yet lackluster, this is a good episode that doesn’t really stand out.

The title sequence for Nappa's Best Day Ever should've started after Cadaverrific! which I think is a wonderful bit of black humor. But the following scene just felt like another "ha ha bulma is a loose woman" joke. This scene might've been funnier with better voice acting. I wouldn't say the scene did nothing for me, but it did very little.

Also “Mr Kent” - Is that a Superman reference or am I taking crazy pills?

[Title Sequence]

With Yamcha gone, the mantle of series buttmonkey falls to Krillin. He has his big damn hero moment, when he Limit Breaks the stuffing out of three Saibamen, but it's frankly disregarded in favor of Piccolo using a god damned mouth-laser to annihilate the last one.

With no more Saibamen left to toy with, it falls upon the two Saiyans to get their hands dirty. Or rather, for Nappa to get his hands dirty while Vegeta sits back and watches. Nappa is no less full of whipshot non-sequiturs in this episode than he was in the previous. After some banter about teaching the Z Fighters a lesson, he gives new meaning to the word "punchline" and amputates Tien's arm.

Compared to a lot of other voice actors, Ganxingba (Tien) actually does a decent scream here. Most of the other screams so far have either been laid on too thick, or done way too close so it peaks their potato microphones, or it’s just super disingenuous. But right here, Tien’s scream is actually really convincing and doesn’t make me feel like someone is stabbing knives into my ears.

The quiet breeze after Vegeta makes a corny pun (Looks like he's been... disarmed!) sells the joke. Nappa’s follow-up seems more like an in-character necessity for him than it seems like a part of the joke.

Ever apparent that fighting Nappa would be completely beyond their capabilities, Chiaotzu decides to blow himself up and take Nappa with him.

"You can just wish me back with the Dragon Balls!" "We already wished you back with the Dragon Balls! We can't do it twice!" "...Wait, wha--?"

KABOOM. Okay, that got a chuckle out of me. This is also the first time the respawn limit of the Dragon Balls has been mentioned. Simply put, everybody gets one.

Krillin's comment on Chiaotzu's death is really bland and lazily written, but prompts a little more character insight to Tien.

"I loved him." "As a memorial to Yamcha... Gay."

I didn't like it when Yamcha first said it, but being referenced in this macabre fashion does something for me. I won't claim it's clever or witty but I personally find it funny.

Nappa then reveals that Chiaotzu's sacrifice had absolutely no effect on him, which naturally enrages Tien. He goes on to get the stuffing knocked out of him, and Gohan ponders if they should help him instead of just standing around.

Piccolo explains that Tien is in a battle to honor his friend’s death, and he wouldn’t dare besmirch the man’s pride by interrupting his heroic last stand. 

This immediately cuts to Tien screaming for help.

I can't tell if the smirk when Piccolo says "Like a hero" is a visual edit or actually existed in the source material, but it's use here is amazing. The look on his face makes him seem like a sadist who's enjoying this, and that's honestly not too far off from how Piccolo has been depicted so far. He's the Demon King who wants to take over the world and couldn't care less about these humans.

After being reprimanded by Gohan, Piccolo and Krillin finally get the lead out and agree to team up against Nappa. They get some surprise slaps on him, and Piccolo yells for Gohan to shoot him with everything he's got before he has time to DODGE.

This triggers a Pavlovian response and Gohan immediately runs for cover, which means Piccolo and Krillin are just going to have to fight Nappa the old fashioned way: By using the Kagebunshin no Jutsu.

"I can't... believe it."

The Naruto skit is creative and risable in its own right but not exactly gut-busting. What's a whole lot funnier is the notion that Nappa's incredible mental discipline is derived entirely from him playing "Patty Cake, Patty Cake" in his head.

Each of Krillin's shadow clones gets their own notch on the owned counter, bringing the score up to 7.

Nappa then commends their effort and tells them, hey at least you didn't kill yourself using a single useless attack, like Chiaotzu did. Tien then proceeds to do that exact same thing: He fires a Kikoho at Nappa and then dies.

It's given a bit more cause for worry in the original show, where Vegeta states that it very well could have killed Nappa if he didn't guard against it at the last second, but in this series he's given no such credit. Nappa just laughs and says "Pointless."

Just before he goes in for the kill on Krillin, he's stopped mid-air by a stunning realization. He can fly. Vegeta is too flabbergasted to argue this and simply agrees.

After pitching a fit about wanting Goku to watch him murder the Z Fighters, Vegeta obliges Nappa and agrees to wait three hours for Goku to arrive.

I half-expected, half-wanted them to make a fake girlfriend reference with Goku here.

Vegeta - "So this friend of yours, that you SAY is coming, is somehow stronger than all of you combined, yet didn't show up here to fight us, and you're only just now telling us this after two of your friends have died?"

Krillin - "You wouldn't know him, he goes to a different school."

Thirty seconds into their three hour wait time, Nappa starts up the "Is he here yet?" bit. Vegeta shoos him off and tells him to go have fun and occupy himself in any way he sees fit.

This begins a well-timed, well-edited musical number of Nappa systematically dismantling the naval and air forces of what I assume is the World Government.

And this whole time while Nappa is enjoying himself to the sounds of musical splendor, crashing metal, and explosions, Piccolo, Krillin, and Gohan are just standing still in a morosely quiet semi-circle. For the entire three hours I'm guessing. Vegeta's scouter alarm goes off, which means time is up and they're all going to die. Nappa suddenly returns without his shirt and elbows Piccolo in the head so hard it changes the color of the sky from blue to pink.

Not the most clean or graceful cutaway scene, but it sells itself regardless. The stinger is a stronger finish than it had any right to be, as a callback and apparent closure to the most esoteric joke in this series. RIP Whales.

Conclusion

This was a plateau of an episode. Whereas the last episode had constant peaks and kept your interest, this one was steady and consistent throughout in a less remarkable way. Most of the factors that go into making or breaking an episode seemed to have hit a comfortable resting point. That or I've just finally become numb to the questionable microphone quality.

I feel like this episode almost lands in the twilight zone of "It's bad, so let me reach to say something positive about it" and "It's good, so let me reach to say something negative about it." that just coalesces into me not having much of anything to say about it. I’m uncertain whether or not this constitutes a failure on my part as a critic, or if this episode really is just that comparatively monotonous.

The word mediocre is often used to mean bad or poor, which I don't feel fits this episode, but it certainly isn't a stand out. I really couldn't find much worthy of discussion here beyond face value.

The few jokes that struck me personally stop me from calling this episode boring, but I found myself repeatedly checking the time to see how much I still had left to watch. It had jokes that were definitely funny, but nothing here really kept my attention. Other lackluster episodes, even if they were not worth a rewatch, kept my interest because I'd latch onto things that were obvious and apparent as being poorly done. This one offered very little variance between the lowest it went and the peak its comedy or production.

If anything, this episode is saved from a lower score by its tail end. Nappa's patty cake joke and the eponymous "best day ever" scene really make up the majority of this episodes hard-hitting humor for me.

But it is important to note that this is still a good episode. It’s not a laugh riot episode and it’s probably not in anyone’s Top 5, but it’s a very comfortable middle ground between the worst this season has to offer and the very peaks.

As an important side note, I feel like we're just now encroaching upon what might be Nappa fatigue. I maintain my position that Nappa has yet to have a “do nothing” joke - all of his humor has been in a hit in some capacity - but it feels almost par for the course at this point. Nappa is definitely not overdone in this episode and he in fact caries it, but I feel like another episode of this style would tread tightly upon the expiration date of how much zaniness you can come to expect before it starts to feel samey. Nappa is in danger here of simply becoming too saturated within the show’s focus and would lose his simplistic, unique appeal that's the driving force behind his characterization. Which is well-timed because we all know what happens next episode...

While I don’t think this episode stands out as a whole, it definitely has some strongly quotable moments. Yeah, yeah, most of what Nappa said. But a series of hilariously derailing one-liners does not make for something remarkable on the whole, which to me just feels expected, stagnant and safe. The peaks are not enough to pull this episode further up, but I must say I’m still not fully confident in my assessment. This was definitely a weird episode to judge.

Score: 67

Passing Thoughts

“What the hell could someone like you possibly major in?” “Child psychology.” “Wow, that sounds really interesting.” “WITH A MINOR IN PAIN!”

"Nappa here is worth 5 Raditz, and I am worth 15 Raditz!" - Vegeta Accurate to the canon power levels!

Oolong saying "Get back to the fight!" sounds absolutely nothing like Oolong. In fact, Episode 1 Oolong sounds more like Oolong than this short cameo did.

"Dick move, guys."

"Good effort, but I'm the patty cake champion."

[hecamity]

petals

this fic was supposed to be a gift for the @bkdksecretsanta​ exchange but unfortunately my giftee ghosted and i had no one to gift this to. despite this, i decided to go ahead and still post it. the work will be, as of right now 10 chapters, but may be subject to change. ao3 link here.

summary: “Ironic, isn’t it? Unrequited love for a shitty little nerd’s gonna be what takes me out.”

Kirishima’s face-hardened. “Stop saying you’re going to die. The doctor said it’s treatable; there’s the surgery—”

“I’m not getting the goddamned surgery, Kirishima.” Katsuki sighed wearily, lifting a hand to run through his blond spikes. “Drop it.”

Kirishima’s eyebrows furrowed as he watched his Katsuki’s shoulders slump forward. He felt a sudden rush of anger at seeing Katsuki resigned to his fate.

“Why the hell not, man? You’re young, you have a whole life ahead—you can’t just die.”

“Because…” Katsuki let out a long breath, almost as if it were painful to breath out. His scarlet orbs moved from the table in front of him to look directly into Kirishima’s eyes. “I don’t want to stop loving him.”

And in that moment, one Kirishima Eijirou decides that the only way to save his best friend was by helping him woo the cute, curly haired man that stole his heart.

Hanahaki Disease only affects a small percentage of the population and is quite rare.

It is a disease that is born from unrequited love, causing its victim to cough up or throw up flower petals.

Not only did its victim suffer the emotional pain of one-sided love, but physical pain as a consequence of the disease.

It always begins with flu like symptoms; a tickle of the throat, fatigue, a slight cough.

Then the tickle becomes unbearable and an insupportable pressure on one’s lungs builds up until the victim heaves a bundle of flower petals.

As time progresses, each episode becomes more and more painful until eventually the victim succumbs to drowning by velvety floral leaves.

Despite the disease being ultimately fatal, there are two possible cures: a surgical procedure that will extract not only the infection, but all lingering feelings towards one’s beloved or by having one’s beloved return one’s romantic feelings.

Unfortunately, fate comes to demonstrate to many victims of Hanahaki Disease that love truly did kill.

April, Year 1

The first time Bakugou Katsuki met Midoriya Izuku was the first day of his first semester during his first year at U.A. University.

The green-haired young man was assigned to be his lab partner in Chemistry class and his first impression of him was not the best.

He’d been bubbly and annoying, but most of all he was clumsy.

The very first time he and Izuku had worked together, Izuku spilled one of the chemicals they’d been working with all over the table and nearly onto Katsuki’s lap.

He’ll be the death of me, this little shit.

Izuku had stood from his chair with a squeak, eyes wide and cheeks red with embarrassment. “I’m so sorry!”

Most of the class had stopped what they were doing to watch the ordeal and the professor was shaking his head, not surprised to see there was already a mess on the first day of lab work. “Freshmen.”

“Oi! Stop standing there like a useless idiot and help me clean this up!” Katsuki bellowed, causing his stunned lab partner to flinch before scrambling to help Katsuki clean up while stuttering frazzled apologies.

After controlling the spill, the duo had spent the rest of the lab period in a terse silence—well terse from Katsuki’s end—only speaking when necessary.

The next time they had class, Izuku had walked up to him with flushed cheeks and pushed a nicely wrapped plastic baggie toward him.

Katsuki raised his eyebrows skeptically, waiting for Izuku to elaborate on why he was giving him a baggie of what looked like baked goods.

“It’s an I’m Sorry For Being A Disappointing Lab Partner and Almost Spilling Unfamiliar Chemicals On Your Lap the First Day of Lab peace offering,” Izuku explained with a shy grin, reaching up to run a hand through his wild curls nervously. “I hope you’re not against chocolate.”

Katsuki opened his mouth before closing it once more, staring blankly at Izuku who shuffled unsurely in front of him.

“Don’t feel pressured to eat them—” Izuku moved to take the bag back but Katsuki had found himself quickly snatching it away.

“Oi, fucking Deku, you can’t just take back a peace offering,” Katsuki drawled, allowing a small smirk play at the corners of his lips. He ripped open the bag haphazardly and took out a cookie.

“Deku?”

Katsuki only tapped a finger against the kanji printed at the top of Izuku’s timetable that his lab partner had left out in front of him in explanation. “Yeah, you’re kind of a useless lab partner, shitty nerd.”

“I never said I was a Chemistry major.”

“You don’t have to be a Chemistry major to not be a fuckin’ idiot.” Katsuki muttered, taking a hearty bite of the delicious looking chocolate cookie that he had pulled out of the bag.

The chocolate chip cookie melted into his mouth, a burst of sweetness causing his mouth to water.

“Holy shit, these are good.”

“I don’t know if I should be offended that you sound so surprised.” Izuku sulked slightly, though Katsuki could see a smile threatening spread across his face.

“Looks like you’re not completely useless,” Katsuki reluctantly said with a small huff, giving him a small glare. “Though you’ll have to work really hard to convince me that you’re not a shitty lab partner.”  

The corners of his lips finally lifted into a wide grin, emerald orbs shining with happiness.

The smile that Izuku gave him in that moment had stirred something unfamiliar in him; there was a slight shortness of breath and the beat of his heart rushed in his ears.

“I think we’re going to be good friends, Bakugou-san.”

He’ll be the death of me, this little shit.

Bakugou Katsuki had no idea just how true those words would be.

It was the second week of school and Katsuki was relieved it was time for his 2 hour lunch break before Chemistry class.

He’d only slipped in his ear buds to watch the latest episode of the All Might anime and had been munching on the messy sandwich he’d made himself with Kirishima’s supplies for half a minute before he saw a bento box gently land in the spot across from him.

Katsuki paused mid-bite and lifted his scarlet eyes to meet bright, emerald orbs smiling back at him.

“Mind if I join you?”

Katsuki felt an odd flutter in his stomach at his lab partner’s sudden appearance, what he’d already eaten churning in his stomach.

Swallowing his bite, Katsuki rolled his eyes and feigned disinterest, giving Izuku his signature sneer. “Do whatever the fuck you want.”

Izuku’s shy smile grew more confident at a lack of rejection. He pulled the chair out and sat down. “How is your second week going?”

“About as well as the second week as a freshman in university can go.”

“Touché,” he responded, and picked up his chopsticks. Izuku watched as Katsuki began wrapping up his unused ear buds and shut his laptop. “Did I interrupt you watching something?”

Katsuki sighed through his nose and gave him an unimpressed look. “Don’t you have other friends to bother?”

Izuku looked taken aback for a moment at Katsuki’s open hostility before giving him a small smile, eyes squinting. He lifted a chopstick, pointing at the blonde. “Just you.”

“If this is your way of making friends,” Katsuki snorted, allowing the corners of his lips to lift in slight amusement. “I can see why you don’t have many friends, nerd. Also we are not friends.”

“But we will be.” Izuku responded with a confident nod, a sure twinkle in his gaze.

Katsuki only huffed at him before returning to the sandwich in front of him.

They spent the rest of lunch in silence; it was not an uncomfortable one and Katsuki was pleasantly surprised.

There weren’t many people he’d felt this relaxed around aside from Kirishima and Kaminari—though he would use the term relaxed with those two loosely as the two shitheads couldn’t not be annoying for longer than five minutes.

Later that night, as Katsuki lay in bed, he thought to himself that maybe this Deku guy wouldn’t be too bad to see around occasionally.

[tinkeringwithcannabis]

Tinkering with Cannabis: The First 90 Minutes Episode 46

Strain: Blueberry

Company: Sira Naturals

Location: Somerville, Ma

Cannabis Connoisseur:  Anthony K.

Website: www.siranaturals.org

Hello again to all my cannabis loving and canna-curious friends, and welcome back to another episode of The First 90 Minutes! Today we will be toking and talking about a sweet little flower I picked up from my friend Anthony K. at Sira Naturals in Somerville, Blueberry! With her sweet, berry, and blueberry aroma and flavor profiles, this strain and her THC levels of 17%, have been found to leave consumers feeling relaxed, happy, sleepy, euphoric, and uplifted. These effects have led Blueberry to be highly recommended to patients seeking relief from stress, pain, insomnia, depression, and fatigue. Potential negatives reported are dry mouth, dry eyes, dizziness, anxiety, and paranoia. Now that we have run through our background portion of our strain, let’s jump ahead to our testing portion! So without further ado, let’s light up, sit back, and relax as we toke and talk about the first 90 minutes!

Today I will be using this medication session to deal with a migraine, anxiety, depressed mood, and a minor flare-up of my essential tremors. Opening the container, the sweet, blueberry aroma is very strong. The flavor profile follows the scent profile, very strong of sweet blueberries. I am starting my medication session at 5:30 p.m. with three hits from a small glass bowl. By 5:32 p.m. I can feel the remnants of a strong cerebral fogginess beginning to roll in, beginning to relax my mind and lift my mood. The migraine pressure in the front of my head and left temple has begun to ease, and my anxiety has finally leveled out. At 5:40 p.m., the migraine, anxiety, and depression relief has continued to intensify, lifting my mood into a much happier and more content state of being. I am already finding that this is a very “let’s get lost in the effects” strain. The effects are coming on quickly, I feel very slowed down, and outside of focusing on mindless duties and tasks, this is not something I could multi-task while using. I currently am trying to finish up the last few dishes from dinner before this fully kicks in, as I can already feel its effects beginning to take over my body, leading to a very relaxed, almost couch locked feeling.

At 6:00 p.m., I am fully encompassed by a sense of relaxation in both body and mind. My focus is extremely scattered, and I am unable to keep my attention on any one thing. My migraine pain and pressure have decreased by about 1/4th of what it was prior to medicating. The light sensitivity is still present, but seems to have decreased enough that I do not feel as much like puking every time I am near a light. I have noticed a slight decrease in my tremors, enough of a change that I don’t feel like I am about to drop anything that I pick up, and I do not feel as shaky overall. They are still present but becoming more manageable. My anxiety has continued to decrease, but I have not seen any further shifts in my mood yet. I am noticing an increase in my level of fatigue, as I am very much feeling ready to fall asleep. There is definitely a sense of couchlock accompanying the effects at this stage, and as long as I am alone and curled up, I am good, but when I am around others I am having slight hiccups in anxiety, as I feel like my reactions are extremely delayed. When I am not experiencing these twinges of social anxiety, I am feeling a slight bit of euphoria as my mood returns to happy.

At 6:30 p.m., I am finding myself melting into the couch as my mind continues to fog over and wander. I can now feel the drastic mood shift to happy as the anxiety has now almost completely disappeared.  I can feel the relief in the migraine pressure, as the pain I was experiencing has decreased significantly, to the point where I feel like I have more of a dull headache with some slight nausea. The tremors have continued to decrease, and currently are at a point where they are only slightly noticeable to me, and my body feels more relaxed. Right now, I no longer feel glued to the couch, but I am extremely relaxed, and I do feel very sleepy. If I need to complete a task, or want to, such as grabbing something to eat from the kitchen, then sure, I can do that. Would I necessarily go and cook a whole meal from scratch? I wouldn’t, but that is because I am only an okay cook with a fully functional brain, so add in the extreme Blueberry fog, and well… let’s just say that microwave dinners are much safer. Rounding the corner to our 90-minute mark at 7:00 p.m., I can feel the strength of the effects mellowing out, but they are still present. My migraine pressure has slightly begun to return, but the majority of the pain has remained at bay. There is also a slight hint of non-social anxiety beginning to creep up. Although I do still feel foggy-headed, the “high” I was previously feeling has significantly decreased, now leaving me in a sleepy haze. The tremors are still present, but they have not changed from the previous check-in.

I clocked this strain’s effects at lasting until 7:23 p.m., at which time they completely wore off, leaving me sleepy, relaxed, and although I did experience some of my migraine symptoms returning, as well as some of the anxiety, I did find overall relief from my migraines, anxiety, depressed mood, and tremors with this strain. The only negative I experienced was some social anxiety, which was primarily due to feeling so foggy-headed that I felt it was difficult to keep up with the conversation and that my reaction times were very delayed. I tested this strain two more times and found that although the social anxiety did persist, it was not as intense as it was during this test. The longevity of the strain effects was a huge plus, lasting almost a full two hours, and even though some of my symptoms did return, they did not return to the extent in which they had been prior to medicating.

The physical relaxation accompanied by the cerebral effects was pretty intense. Although the entire journey was not completely plagued with couchlock, there were some instances where couchlock was definitely present. At the end of the session, I did find myself easily able to fall asleep, which is great because given how I was feeling prior to medicating, I would not have been able to sleep well at all. Once I did fall asleep, I was able to sleep well throughout the night, and awoke the next morning feeling well rested and much better than the previous day. Overall, I give this strain 4.9 stars. The only downside was the social anxiety I experienced, which was a little difficult due to the fact that it is difficult to avoid socializing in my living situation, and the external stimuli can be a little much to handle when on this strain, because my processing time is so slow, and I cannot keep up with what is happening around me. Aside from this, I found this to be a great strain, and I would highly recommend it for those who are struggling with migraines, depression, and insomnia. I cannot remember sleeping as well as I did while medicating with Blueberry. Amazing job Sia, another great product for the books! Keep up the great work!

If you are a patient or adult above the age of 21 in Massachusetts, check out the following link for where you can purchase this product:

https://www.siranaturals.org/where-to-buy-cannabis-massachusetts

Well my friends, we have reached the end of this review. Thank you for joining me, and stay tuned for more product reviews!!

Disclaimer

*****Please remember, this blog is an account of my personal experience with this product. Not everyone has the same experience with every product, and that’s okay. I always recommend starting out with one to two hits to see if that is enough, and you can always increase your dose from there.*****

Also, if you find this post helpful, please help me get the word out to other patients by liking and re-blogging this post! Thanks!

[deltaengineering]

Winter Anime 2019 Part 4: That’s all, folks.

Over already? This is a pretty thin season with not a lot of shows, so it’s not that surprising that there’s not many good ones either. Still, a weak showing. Oh well, let’s get it over with. There were a few decent ones in the last batch.

Circlet Princess

What: Dimwitted schoolgirl is good at some vaguely defined virtual fighting sport, changes school based on it, finds out relevant club has been abolished. Forecast says: 5 member plot incoming.

❌ I think it’s already clear this show isn’t very ambitious, and not very well written either. A game adaptation at its laziest.

❌❌ Man, this girl is STUPID. What the hell.

❌ The rest of the cast are less stupid (which isn’t hard), but that just means they’re so forgettable they might as well not exist.

❌❌ It looks cheap, and by that I mean really really cheap. The character design is ISO standard anime and it’s mostly on model, but that’s as good as it gets. The animation just sucks. That’s a death sentence for an action/sports show with terrible characters.

Bermuda Triangle - Colorful Pastrale

What: Japanese Spongebob, as in cute mermaids. Doing things optional.

❌ To make this quick, this is almost exactly Pastel Memories, only every problem is just a little less extreme. It has fewer characters, it’s looking slightly better, there’s a tiny bit more going on, the setting is mildly more interesting. That still means it is:

❌❌ 1. A boring mess in which a handful of samey girls do nothing of much interest in a location that should be unique, but isn’t.

❌❌ 2. Conspicuously cheap. It even has the same sightline problems.

❌❌ 3. Featuring a character model sheet that is “off” even under the best circumstances. This time due to the very offputting decision to give everyone blobby triangular irises.

❌❌ Unlike Pastel Memories (which was an ad for a mobile game) this is an anime original, so it really has no excuse being this lame.

♎ I find it amusing that Pastel Palettes are providing the OP for an anime, and it’s not the one currently airing that they’re actually characters in.

Endro~!

What: Kiraralike comedy thing in a generic JRPG setting.

♎ Namori character designs, so it’s like Spyce in that it just seems like the Yuru Yuri cast cosplaying a genre. But hey, Namori character designs do look good.

❌ I’m not as done with generic JRPG settings as with generic isekai settings, but it’s still a real problem since the former is now a subset of the latter. Mildly making fun of it does not improve things much either.

✅ The tone is cutesy and pleasant. I find this much preferable to something like Mahoujin Guru Guru, which is pretty much the same thing but with abrasive, high-intensity slapstick instead.

✅ It’s backing that up with generally high-quality, agreeable pastel looks.

❌ Not being annoying is a start, but beyond that this seems very middle of the road and predictable. I don’t get much out of the genre “parody” and simply being cute is still not an unique selling point in anime.

Grimms Notes The Animation

What: Did someone say JRPG? This is a mobile one, vaguely based on fairy tales as the title implies.

✅ This universe runs on the idea that every NPC’s fate is controlled by a preset story they’re aware of. You could make a good story about that if you took it seriously. It even does that somewhat, but only to the degree that you’d expect from a throwaway sidequest in a moderately well-written JRPG.

❌ And the reason for that is that it has to make room for being a JRPG, of course. Read: It’s irritatingly mechanics- and combat-focused. Stuff like the characters changing form when in fights just seems overly complicated and adds nothing.

❌ Said combat looks competent, but not good enough to make up for detracting from what could have been an interesting setting. Merc Storia did this aspect far better (by usually not doing it at all).

❌ So it ends up being better than expected, but then that only amounts to a disappointment.

Kaguya-sama wa Kokurasetai / Kaguya-sama: Love Is War

What: Kaguya and Miyuki are in the student council of a prestigious school and HATE HATE HATE each other. Specifically, they hate the part where the other one won’t just finally admit their love.

✅ The joke here is that it’s operating on full intensity at all times, over the most simple matters. It’s pretty much Kaiji, only about dating - complete with hammy narrator. This is another one of those shows where I can’t say with certainty that it’s solid, but I had a blast during the first episode.

✅ Regarding Quintuplets, I made it clear that I love me some sparks in my romantic comedies. It doesn’t get much more explosive than this.

✅ The characters are comparable to Quints too: Smart scheming upstart vs. rich scheming ojou, with a simpleminded girl in the middle that ends up winning more often than not simply by not overdoing it.

✅ The visuals are just as over the top as the proceedings depicted. Occasionally a filter massacre, but mostly cool.

♎ The long-term viability of this show depend entirely on whether they can consistently come up with scenarios that work, which isn’t a given. Also, this is so intense it might become tiresome - I already felt some fatigue towards the end of the first episode. We’ll see, I guess.

Kakegurui ××

What: Some weirdos think they can crash the party at Hyakkaou with an intent to scare the daylights out of Yumeko and Midari, of all people. Let’s just say they were not as prepared as they thought.

✅ As you might have guessed by me watching the sequel, I liked Kakegurui. It has its problems, but if you’re down for some crazypants madness, this show delivers.

✅ This is one of the better episodes of it too, because it gets right into it and the game they play is dead simple. Kakegurui was never about smart moves or strong characters, so not having anything detract from our girls deriving the entirely wrong sort of pleasure from danger is a plus.

♎ Sadly, the OP is a step down (though still great) and the ED is simply an inferior, overcomplicated version of the magnificent original one. They seem to know this too, because they play the OP cut of Deal with the Devil in its entirety for a montage. The rest of the production is on par with the original though, so it’s fiiiine. Oh well.

❌ It got Netflix’d again and the subs situation is dire. Since this is one I actually like, I might have to wait for the official release.

Kouya no Kotobuki Hikoutai / The Magnificent Kotobuki

What: Piston-engined fighter plane pornography.

✅ This delivers where Girly Air Force failed: Close to zero exposition, the majority of the episode is just planes dogfighting with barely any talking either. And that part is executed really well. I think the plane startup sequence alone is as long as the total of Girly’s airtime.

✅ Guess what, it’s Tsutomu Mizushima, previously known for unbridled panzer (und girls) pornography, and boy can you tell. However, this cuts out a lot of GuP’s bullshit: A plane doesn’t have the cast of K-ON in it, it’s not over-the-top zany, and whatever this universe is, it can’t be as insipid as GuP’s. The classy milwank exists you guys, we found it.

✅✅ The music really helps here, sky pirates vs zeppelins just wouldn’t work without some classic swashbuckling orchestra background. Fat sound mixing on the dakka too. It’s great.

♎ Can’t really say much about the narrative because we kinda skipped that in this episode aside from the obvious, but Mizushima’s Shirobako collaborator Michiko Yokote is writing it, and that’s a good sign.

❌ Now we’re getting to the elephant in the room though: There’s no way the planes wouldn’t be CG in 2019, but the characters are CG too, and their animation is mediocre. Also, they did the KADO thing where they 2D-animated the side characters that aren’t important enough to model. This has the funny side effect that you can tell who’s going to die real soon by them looking better. It’s far from great, but probably a worthy tradeoff if the mechanical side is this extensive and also delivers.

✅ This is definitely not for everyone, since you have to have more than a casual appreciation for those magnificent girls in their flying machines. I do, though.

revisions

What: A chunk of Shibuya gets teleported to the dystopian future, local doomsday prepper gets handed a large robot because he’s special.

❌ A Goro Taniguchi joint being a poorly conceived scifi mess? Say it ain’t so! I especially dig the tryhard English jargon (mecha: “String Puppet”, monsters faction: “Revisions”, particular monster, I think?: “Civilian”, tacticool operetah: “Balancer”).

❌ Works very hard to characterize the main character, to the detriment of everyone else. A for effort, but you made an unlikeable asshole though.

❌ This is another full CG show, with the quality of the animation being curiously variable. Sometimes it’s well above average and sometimes it’s painful. There doesn’t seem to be much method to it.

✅ Tries to establish stakes by being mondo edgy and graphically murderizing some poor bystanders. It’s adorable.

❌ If you’re really jonesing for some mecha, you can watch all of this on Netflix right now. It’s not like you have any alte- wait, Egao no Daika has mecha too. Well there you go then. That’s a better show.