#before i thought i was a lesbian because i wasnt attracted to men

[strawberri-syrup]

realizing im aromantic is so freeing because now i can find everyone attractive always and not have to do anything about that. people are hot 👍

[hbnjhgv]

My Aot Ships !SPOILERS!

EreMika (Eren x Mikasa) omg do I even need to elaborate? First of all THE FACT THAT MIKASA LOOKS PRETTIER WHEN ITS IN ERENS POV? And not to mention the fact that in episode 12 Ian even says to Mikasa 'defend your boyfriend' in sub and in dub he said 'go save the man you love' also when Eren asked Mikasa what he is to her it was obious he wasnt wanting the answer "your my family" AND THE FACT THAT THEY KISSED IN THE FINAL EPISODE

NicoSasha (Niccolo x Sasha) LITTERALLY CANNON BUT ISAYAMA HATES LOVE APARENTLY. Niccolo looked mesmerised and looked so inlove while blushing when he saw Sasha CRYING over how good his food was. Omg and the way he reacted when his conrad called Sasha a 'filth blooded potato grubbing devil' MY MAN WAS GOING TO KILL SOMEONE and when he said "What is this brat someone specil to you? Is that why he tried to protect you earlier? You care about him huh? Well I used to care about someone too! A DIRT BLOODED ELDIAN! A DECENDENT OF DEVILS! THE WOMAN WHO ENJOYED THE FOOD I COOKED MORE THAN ANYONE ID EVER MET BEFORE! She saved me from this shitty ass pointless war... she showed me that the person I ment to be as a man who brings people happiness through his cooking... that was Sasha Braus... she was amzing. AND YOU STOLE HER FROM ME!" OMG LIKE HOW CAN YOU HEAR HIM SAY THAT AND NOT THINK ITS CANNON?!

AurEtra (Ouro x Petra) OMG ISAYAMA LITTERALLY SAID THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO GET MARRIED! Also I noticed that they argue very much like a couple. sorry i dont have much to say about this ship. I just really like it.

MikeNana (Miche x Nannaba) Ok listen. This isn't a mega huge ship I have I just think its really cute. Also everytime Miche and Nannaba interact omg its adorable. Thats about it.

KenUri (Kenny x Uri) THE WAY THEY INTERACTED WITH EACHOTHER OMGGG now I dont this its super inlove. I just think they were atleast a little inlove with eachoter. THEY ARE SOULMATES AND NO ONE CAN CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE! Also in the OFFICIAL AOT GUIDE BOOK THIS IS A CONVERSATION ISAYAMA HAD WITH AN INTERVEIWER Interviewer: "So he (Kenny) thought id he eliminated Uri, the world would become right again. But he lost the fight." Isayama: "Kenny's way of judging value is: 'The strong are in the right', and so for that reason he was attracted to Uri." LIKE OMG HE LITTERALLY SAID KENNY WAS ATTRACTED TO URI! (and no one say "oh well he wouldn't make Kenny be intrested in men" when Yumir and Historia are LITTERALLY CONFERMINED LESBIANS.

YumiHisu (Yumir x Historia) This is gonna be short because it's obious this ship is cannon. Yumir always telling Historia "You are so gonna have to marry me after all this shit is over!" When Historia was with Yumir after the tower fell. The way they looked at eachother. The fact that Historia was more worried about Yumir than anything when Reiner and Bertolt reveled their titans and took Eren and Yumir. WHEN YUMIR SAID TO REINER AND BERTOLT "You guys have no idea what it's like. She knows what a shitty person I am, but she still smiles at me. I can't..." THE FACT THAT HISTORIA TOLD YUMIR "I will always be your ally" EVEN AFTER YUMIR BASICALLY ATE HER. HISTORIA PROTECTING YUMIR WHEN MIKASA ALMOST KILLED HER TO SAVE EREN! WHEN HISTORIA SAID "But with Yumir gone I've lost my purpose. I don't even know what I'm fighting for anymore." OMG NOT TO MENTION THE LETTER?! 'To my dear Historia, as I write this Reiner's standing at my side. He knows this is a love letter, but he's still sneaking peaks. Honestly, it's no wonder the creep's still single. That said.. he did give me his word that he'd deliver this letter to you. He says he owes me for the time I doubled back to save him. I'm sorry about then... I never would've imagined myself choosing those two.. over you... I'm going to die soon. But... I'll die without regrets. Or that's what I'd like to say. Truth is... I do have one. It's that I never got to marry you. With Love, Yumir' I MEAN HOW CAN YOU READ THAT AND NOT SHIP THEM?!

MobuHan (Moblit x Hange) OMG MOBLITS PRTECTIVENESS AND THE WAY HES SO PACIENT WITH THEM! He's always trying to protect them. AND HOW THEY INTERACT WITH EACHOTHER! M: "I don't think thats the way you want to talk to the leader of our whole regiment" H: "SHUT UP >:( AS I WAS SAYING" ALSO THIS MOMENT. M: "PLEASE DONT GO ALONE! IT'S TOO DANGEROUS!" AND MOBLITS LITTLE "STOPPPP!" WHEN HANGE RODE AWAY! H: "dont try to call me bluff" M: "Please dont!"

[m4ndysk4nkovich]

“actually debbie gallagher wasn’t a lesbian before season 9🤓☝️”

SHUT THE FUCK UP

DID YOU WATCH THE SHOW???

LIKE MAYBE IT WASNT CANON OR INTENDED UNTIL SEASON 9 BUT SHE’S ALWAYS BEEN SO LESBIAN-CODED

season 1: *ten year old debbie casually explaining lesbian marriage/intercourse at the dinner table😊”

season 2: told she’ll be a virgin for the rest of her life and attempts to make herself prettier for boys to like her, doesn’t seem to actually like the boy or understand liking somebody in that way

season 3: bullied at the pool and asked if she was a “lesbo” for staring at pretty girls

season 4: her friends literally tell her that she likes a guy and she just decides to go along and start going out with him, she is completely clueless and desperate to figure out what it is people like so much about love/sex because she doesn’t get it

season 5: yet again, doesn’t understand how to flirt with a guy or how to tell if a guy is into her. totally has a crush on svetlana. that’s all i have to say.

season 6: kind of has sex with the woman she’s living with, researches lesbian sex (ironically in this part the roles are reversed and rather than debbie explaining it to carl in s1, carl’s explaining it to debbie)

season 7: again, totally has a crush on svetlana. soooo gay. gay gay gay.

season 8: her straightest season… smh. i think that with the loss of her toes she also lost her attraction to men.

season 9: GAY!!!!!!! ALEXANDRA!! KELLY!!!! AHHH!!!!!!

also here are all of the people i’m sure that debbie had a crush on at one point: svetlana, mandy, v, the girls at the pool, holly (heavy on this one).

i have so many thoughts on holly should i talk about her

[redheadbigshoes]

I am the anon who went Into graphic details about men. I need to clarify that it wasnt to harrass anyone or that I see being lesbian as doom. Maybe it seems pretty obvious to others that I am attracted to men, But I have ocd, which makes me doubt anything about my sexuality. I wrote to you because I wanted to hear if others could relate kind of before they came out as lesbians. That is why I wrote to two lesbian blogs. I have questioned so much that I question now if my attraction to men was all fake or not. Because I read the masterdoc. And because I have sexual trauma with guys. But I have thought back and forth I am pretty sure I have never been having a crush on a women. Like I have felt sexual feelings for some in movies But I never thought ‘omg she is so pretty I want her’ or stared or checked out women irl. Guys catch my attention and I get warm seeing good looking guys and get butterflies and imagine kissing Them and such. It is just confusing.

The same thing I say about fictional men and male celebrities goes to women: being “attracted” only to fictional women and female celebrities isn’t necessarily a sign you are actually attracted to them.

Not only men are portrayed to look and act perfect. Women are portrayed like that too.

[menalez]

I feel like there is such a difference between a teen who might have identified as bisexual early in her teen years just out of an assumption that liking men is a default or that friends of hers who was a boy she must have liked because she had positive feelings towards them (without considering what attraction is, a desire for romantic and sexual intimacy (the sexual aspect distinguishing romantic feelings from just platonic friendship)) never has thought about it before her peers started to make out with men at parties or hook up or even pursue relationships or whatever people attracted to men start doing that age, and then realised those are things she wants with women and not men because she’s only attracted to women.

And then a woman who identifies as bisexual, has been in relationships with men she entered relationships with because she was attracted to them, that maybe turned out to be disappointing in the relationship and in bed as men often are, not living up to the romantic and sexual fantasies she no doubt had and enjoyed to think about, and then thinking that that must mean she is actually a lesbian, rather than she just had unsatisfactory experiences with men. I feel like so many of these “late bloomer” lesbians aren’t actually lesbians that “bloomed” late, as in literally thought about sex, attraction, and what sexual relations they desire later in life, but just bi women who felt relationships with men didn’t work out for them and then attributed that to being lesbian (very “something must be up with me, it can’t possibly just be the man who isn’t what I thought he’d be!”)

i mean yeah i agree ultimately those are very different experiences (i disagree that the former is a late-bloomer lesbian tho, thats just... regular lesbian. most of us come out as teens or in our early 20s & most of us realise as teens too). when i think of genuine "late bloomer lesbians" vs the ones that are clearly bisexual, the thing i focus on most is their feelings (past + present). a woman who got married to a man bc thats what she had to do and didnt wnt to do it and wasnt into him but would try her best to be and to just fulfill her "role" & then ultimately realised that she cant make herself into her husband despite trying thus ending it to be with women vs a woman who married a man bc she was into him somehow and then fell out of love n realised shes into women are two different experiences. i knew a woman who married a man out of pressure n even had kids w him but she was never into him n didnt want to be w him Like That so she ended the relationship bc of it ultimately and thats my idea of a genuine "late bloomer lesbian" but then the ones westerners often refer to are literally just... bi women ?? who realise their attraction to women later n are fed up with men... its annoying how the two experiences are conflated.

[crying-in-converse]

How did you know you were aro/ace (sorry if that's a weird question)

Thanks for asking anon! I love educating people on this!

It has been a long journey to my realization- and even now I am still figuring somethings out.

In 7th grade I thought, what if I liked men and women the same? So I decided I was bisexual. I kept with that label for a little bit until about a year later I decided I just liked men idealistically.. so that meant I was a lesbian. After a little bit, I wasn't too comfortable with that label and decided maybe I like men. What made all this realizations so hard was I had never had a crush before so I had nothing to go off of. I was just waiting for a crush to come along, I thought I was a late bloomer or my school didn't have enough options. After I decided I wasn't a lesbian I decided to be unlabeled for a bit. I already knew I was asexual since I was just realizing my bisexuality. I couldn't see my self having sex at all in the future and it definitely repulsed me. But I thought all kids my age were repulsed by the idea. I guess not.

I had heard of aromanticism before but it never crossed my mind that I could be that. I always thought that I definitely would want to be in a relationship, but I thought of it some more and I had never really had a crush before, and if I did I wasnt able to tell if it was platonic or romantic attraction in middle school.

I had been labelling myself as unlabeled for a while and I started experiencing weird attraction that I knew wasnt romantic but more a longing to get to know a person more. I was confused by that attraction for a while.

Just recently I realized that I do fit the term aromantic. And I was in denial for a really long time... mourning the fact that I may never experience the "greatest experience on earth" but I've found many people like me here on Tumblr and some of my friends even relate to these experiences.

I am still working out my identity, trying to figure out if I am actually Demi romantic or grey romantic or just aro in denial still.

I think it is very important to share my journey to realizing my sexuality because it is so unique and aroace identities need to be heard from more!

I am out to my friends as a lot of things, some of my friends still think I am bisexual or a lesbian. others still think I identify as unlabelled and some I have told I am aroace! I think its important to remember that you don't owe a coming out to any one- even if you've already come out as something you don't identify with. I don't feel like explaining to everyone my identity.

After realizing my identity I also didn't realize how much aphobia and amanormativity there is still in society- even at a school that is very excepting and welcoming to any one in the community. I have found many people who are in the queer community belittle me and my aspec friends identities. there is still a long way to go..

anyways sorry this was so long! my journey was years and years and hard to sum up in one post! lmk if you have any questions through my ask box which is always open!!

<3 <3 <3

[cruelsister-moved2]

I love your blog soooo much!!! everything you say is just soo true. The thing about focusing on what we enjoy is so liberating. I focused way to much in trying to understand my undesirability to men, when I can just forget about men and not give them my imaginary time and just enjoy my attraction to women <3<3

aw thats sweet im glad that sentiment is helping u to find comfort and enjoyment!!<33 its so sad to me how many ppl think ur identity designates what u enjoy rather than vice versa...

as a lesbian talking abt it always feels like ur opening urself up to that judgement so i always immediately want to be like 'but i am personally really disgusted by men and the idea of having anything romantically or sexually to do with one is hideous to me!!!' but i always stop myself bc its like well... it wouldnt actually matter how i feel towards men though, because my autonomy is absolute on its own and if i know that i WANT to be involved with women and not with men then like.. the conversation can end there! in the mainstream imagination i feel like so many gay men's stories start w the realisation of their attraction to men, but lesbians' with the realisation of their non-attraction to men. my moment of absolute clarity was the first time a girl asked me out & i had the rapid realisation that like, oh i would ENJOY that, i WANT that, when i had been saying yes to guys who asked before just bc i was like idk...ig i dont have a reason to not. it sounds funny but like until that point i had literally never thought about what i might want, only like.. if id be able to stomach a serious relationship with a guy. so even though i kind of felt by then that the answer might be no, it hadnt really brought me any answers & it wouldnt have mattered if i had decided i could, because it was immediately obvious at that point that a heterosexual relationship with a man wasnt something i wanted for me in my life when i could have a gay relationship w a woman. i felt sooo free in that moment, not bc my feelings abt men had been conclusively revealed to me but actually bc i realised i didnt even gaf.

its kind of a double bind for us between the fact that heterosexual people need to be reassured that gay people are ontologically so in order to respect us (and not feel threatened by us😳), and the various layers of misogyny incl the expectation that we are passive participants in the equation of desire, which alienates us frm our desires & the very experience of desire itself, and also fosters the assumption that any ability to experience male desire will supersede anything else if at all possible so therefore it has to be completely ruled out to be allowed to ignore it. we need to prove that we are not CAPABLE of having a relationship with a man in order not to want one, whether right now or ever. so the fact i personally do feel genuinely unable to experience that without like genuinely wanting to kill myself feels like its basically irrelevant to anyone but me, and only self-determination matters to anyone else. i feel like im more interested in defending the right of other women to want&seek&enjoy sexual&romantic relationships with other women, regardless of why, rather than proving that i personally have done all my homework and can prove that i wouldnt be happy with a man. like wtf, women are hot and dating a woman is the most beautiful experience of my life, who wouldnt want to seek that out !! its irrelevant what the alternatives are bc none of them are preferable. the continued survival of this rhetoric in lgbt spaces only really reinforces that being gay is a bad thing to be and gay relationships are worse than heterosexual ones and no one would ever want that unless they had no other choice and i just soo strongly do not feel that!!

[flat-as-a-board]

hi okay so u seem to be pretty confidant in being a lesbian and i am Not

so i’m like 99.999999999999999% sure i’m a lesbian, BUT there are some guys that i’m just like :DDDD 🥰🥰 u know?? like i wanna settle down w them and get married n stuff and live out the rest of our lives together… so those r decidedly Not Lesbian Thoughts

tho like ANY guy isn’t attractive to me, it’s just Some guys, and i talked to my sibling (who is a lesbian) and she was all “well, that’s probably comphet or just a desire for deep friendship” but w these guys (who are FAR AND FEW BETWEEN) it’s not friendly at all, it’s romantic! anyways that’s just my issue and please, please don’t feel any pressure to answer this ask if you don’t feel like it, i just wanted to tell someone and maybe get advice <3

aww , first off im so honored ur asking me lol thats so sweet <3 also i kinda wrote u an Entire Trilogy so . i put it under the cut tee hee

but Full Disclosure i am not a Lesbian Oracle & i can't tell you whether or not you're a lesbian, that's just something you have to figure out in your own time. but just so you know, there's absolutely no rush to finding your label. there's nothing wrong with trying different ones out until you find one you're comfortable with, & if you don't feel like it, you don't even have to use a label at all!

it really depends on the men you like & in what way you like them. for me personally, i went through pretty much Every Single Label before i figured out i was a lesbian. there were Sometimes men i thought i was attracted to, but turns out it was either comphet or me having No Idea What Romantic Attraction Actually Was. & that may or may not be the case for you!

i'm sure you already know this from your Lesbian Sibling, but if your crushes are exclusively for celebrities/fictional characters/otherwise Unattainable, Unrealistic Men, its very possible it's just comphet! i don't experience comphet super super often, but many many many lesbians do. if you're getting those Romantic Warm Fuzzies about real, Attainable men you Actually Know, then it might be different!

most of the reason why i thought i wasnt a lesbian is because of the "crushes" i had on some boys at my school. the first one i stopped liking Instantly when my friend said he liked me. the second one was the same situation. the third one i stopped liking because he asked me out & even though i said yes & we were dating for all of two weeks, i felt repulsed and incredibly uncomfortable the second it turned Actually Romantic, which is what i thought i wanted.

the way i started figuring out that it wasn't really romantic attraction was by imagining the boys i thought i had a crush on in an objectively very romantic situation. for example, me & Boy Classmate #18 at a candle lit dinner kissing & making out & all that. just writing that made me uncomfortable, which tells me i'm not romantically attracted to Boy Classmate #18.

however! not every lesbian feels the same way about men! some are Repulsed like me, & some are just indifferent. plenty of people find out they're lesbians well into adulthood & after being in relationships with men. i'd recommend talking to Lesbian Sibling about how she feels towards the people she's attracted to, and seeing whether that's how you feel toward these men! might not be foolproof, i'm not an expert of course, i'm just thinking about what could've helped me when i was figuring it out.

i don't know the specifics of your situation or who you are as a person or what your attraction feels like so i'm mostly just sharing my Lesbian Experience in hopes that it'll help you realize whether or not you could be a lesbian. you could be lesbian, you could be omni, you could be poly, you could be bi ... all of which are equally Valid And Gnarly identities!

i have no idea if any of this was useful or even made sense, but i hope my Autobiography could help you in some way. but again, there's absolutely no pressure to figure out exactly who you are. that's something you do on your time, in your own way, & only if you want to.

[ecoevoexo]

warning: processing personal feelings, sexual abuse

i got manipulated into dating a man and it fucking... ugh. idk. i've had bad relationships before, i've been abused by partners before, but there's something different about laying down my boundaries as a lesbian, being pushed across them, then being hurt in that context. it's fucked me up really bad and i don't know how to talk about it. i've ended up kinda sex-repulsed, but specifically repulsed of the idea of being seen as attractive. which i also, like, want. but the idea that people will see me as attractive & find that an opportunity to talk over me, manipulate me, & sa me. & like part of the thing was an environment being like, you shouldn't be too strict with your boundaries, you should be "open" and that means being sexual w people you wouldn't choose being sexual with. idk, there's soemthing very complex abt how comphet functions in trans queer irl spaces & how that pushed me into a bad situation & made it hard for me to get out. & now im just stuck w this trauma & this panic. i've got bad postire but every time i try to correct it i have an anxiety attack cuz i look too sexy in the mirror & it reminds me of like stripping & how men looked at me / interacted with me & like reminds me of how i felt with my boyfriend. he's not even the worst guy, ive known plenty worse, but i wasnt supposed to be dating guys at all, i already made that call, & then that boundary was just pushed until it broke. & i was tricked into sex i explicitly didnt want to have. idk im just talking in circles. i need to find soem way to process this trauma out. art to make or a story to write or something. there's no real mystery to it, it was just translesbophobia and a fucked up dude who lied a lot. but it fucked me up a lot, and its made me really sensitive to transmisogyny in ways i dont wanna be, given how omnipresent transmisogyny is. idk. i could talk abt rape, manipulation, financial exploitation, misogynist violence, etc, but its all just stuff we've heard a million times, it's the stuff men do. maybe i thought i was too smart, too feminist, too lesbian to fall for it. what i keep thinking about is when i was in the relationship & kept telling everyone how happy i was. "things are so good" "isnt it so funny im dating a man and its great? haha" "yeah things are actually really wonderful" i was already suffering a lot. why did i go along with it? i feel like i just didnt want it to be true. i wanted to believe that things were different. facing the truth just felt so fucking nihilistic. & because of that, it just kept getting worse.

its over now, im safe, and i'll get over it one day. i just didnt want it to be like this. i convinced myself to be "open", to take risks, to be vulnerable with new people. i liked being that person. but that person got sexually abused, a lot, by many different people. i don't find any romanticism in being bitter and isolated. i feel trapped between the horror of isolation, and the fact that every time i break out of my shell, i get sexually abused.

its just this endless nightmare. idk.

[thegroundisnotsosoft]

RANT

I was confidently lesbian for three years. I finally had accepted myself. Life was looking up. Then i met my bestie. Then i met this stupid dude whose stupid phermones had an effect on me. Ive never been struck by anyones existence before. I thought i was a demisexual lesbian. Now i have to deal with being attracted to a man. My bestie was sooooo supportive of me having to figure it out. She wouldnt let me bully myself about it. I was 23 at the time. Im 26 now. Still figuring out if I like men. Women? Unapologeticly attracted. Confidently. Undeniably. Men? Idk. Im open to it ever since pheromone man stole my sexuality. I had a girlfriend for a couple months recently and things did not work out. Just two very different perspectives on life.

This very gorgeous for a dude internet friend asked me out to dinner after he heard i was single again. Dude shot his shot and went for it. I had dinner with him. He walked in behind me at the restaurant where we met up and low and behold. The pheromone thing happened again. It was a good date. He was super sweet and the chat over dinner was just like how wed been talking over the phone. He was nervous which was a first for me because guys usually get straight to it but this dude was actually into me. Like not just physically. Like the whole me as a person. Usually i only get that with women ive dated. Were gonna go on another date soon. Weve been texting even more since date#1.

But, i cant talk to my bestie about him. If i mention him, she gets dismissive, leaves the room like i didnt start talking with her, or just gives me silent treatment for the rest of the day through the next morning. Ive been able to talk to her about dates or my relationships before. For some reason, this particular person, is upsetting for her to talk about. She doesnt know him as far as i know. He doesnt know her. So its not like ive went on a date with her ex er something. Im just sad because i want to be excited about this person because things are going well. I dont have other friends that im close enough with that i can be like "look what he said" or "im so excited to see him " or "what should i wear for this date" or any of the normal things you normally get to include your best friend on when you start seeing someone.

I don't know what happened to make her feel like ive slapped who she is if i say or do anything that involves this guy. So here i am on tumblr bc she doesnt have one. Idk where else to talk about this. I want to be excited. I want to be hyped up before i go out. Dating a man is something i havent done in years. 6 years in fact. I was 20 last time i spoke romantically to a guy and wasnt just shooting them down when they kept trying to get to just sleep with them bc im gay or sleep with them and their girlfriend or worse, theyre after my bestie and think the two of us wanna sleep with them at the same time.

This dude wants to get to know me. I want to feel comfortable and confident letting him get to know me. I dont want to feel like im commiting treason for going on a date.

[lesbianmarrow]

just watched legends of tomorrow 4.05 i liked it :) favorite part was that sara zari and charlie were wearing pretty dresses. second favorite part was the octopus monster. i thought it looked really cool and i liked how it was the one guy’s way of processing his trauma and the other characters didn’t demonize him for that. i thought that was very touching. it can be hard for such a silly sci-fi show to address grave topics like the bombing of hiroshima but i think this episode did a pretty decent job. 

i was a little surprised at just how much was going on in this episode. 4 different plots, although the nate-ava plot and the gary creature plot converged partway through. i didn’t hate it but i did find it kind of a lot to keep track of. i usually prefer the episodes that are more singular in focus. 

finally we got to see nora and ray again together :) ray is so heartbreakingly kind to her. i like that we see the impact that ray’s compassion has had on her, how she chooses to atone for her past by turning herself in. i hope the legends persuade ava to let nora out of jail at some point cause i want to see more of nora and constantine working together and doing magic stuff. also i want to see who the guy from constantine’s past is. i bet it’s his boyfriend lol. 

also is really nice seeing how supportive zari is of mick. i think particularly because zari can be so cynical theres something very sweet about her encouraging mick to follow his passion and not be afraid to let everybody know hes a writer. zari is good in a supportive role but i do also want to see her deal with her own issues at some point in the season. 

something amusing about how generic and cliche mick’s female character is. it’s endearing how the show maintains that there is value in mick writing his stories because it helps him resolve his own issues, even though the show assures us that mick’s writing is objectively not good. i have to wonder if the writers fear the same is true of their own work. was really funny how the lady had 3 boobs. more evidence for gay mick theory, that he makes his ideal love interest such an exaggerated parody of femininity that actual heterosexual men would not be attracted to her. 

the nate-ava thanksgiving plot was a good idea that didnt quite end up working for me but thats ok. i actually kind of would have liked if nate had brought gary to thanksgiving instead of ava and if ava just wasnt in the episode this week. but i like gary’s rapport with the mona girl who brings the food. shes like the new felicity. i kept waiting for one of nate’s family members to assume nate and ava were a couple but it never happened. feels conspicuous to have ava as a lesbian character not have any family to visit for the holidays but then i guess thats part of the ava clone subtext. 

charlie is wonderful and amazing. no shade to amaya but i find charlie a lot more enjoyable so far, in part because she is such a wild card and does so much to challenge sara. zari occupied that role previously, and before it was mick, but theres a sizzle to charlie that i really like. it’s great that she saved sara in battle and helped take down the monster, because that’s her proving her worth to the team. i’m excited to see more of her long-term motivations and conflicts. 

[oneandonlysoftie]

Hi dear! I've seen you didn't talk much about Sadistic Beauty these days... What are your thoughts on ending and two side stories? Especially Wookying and Minho's one? Tbh I'm disappointed and disturbed :(

i had to step out of this story bc it was leaving me frustrated, irritated and disappointed not to mention very confused LOL. yep, im still fairly disappointed with where the author went with this. a major conflict that should or could have been in the main story was the whole drama including wookyung fighting with doona to get minho but it was swept under the rug only to return as some after thought as a side story (probably excluding doona).  there was such a great opportunity to finish it in the main story but the author decided that minho had to suffer all of the consequences and everyone else is going scot-free LOL. truly a shame. i wasnt surprised that doona was ending up with haesol, never was into them, still not into them. i have a certain distaste for characters like haesol, he’d be best described as a simp. and i absolutely loathe simps lol. there’s a fine line with being there for someone and being there in hopes that smth more might change, he def wants to date doona and saying that he’s okay with how things are and if they don’t date, is basically a blatant lie to himself. if that was the case, he wouldn’t let her string him along and use him for sex. the feelings he has for her will just be kept in the back, but it will most likely resurface in some way or another. in the long run, it’d hurt him and that’s just not worth the hassle. obv since the writer wanted them to happen, he’s prob gonna get what he wants lol. i def found the whole rivalry btw donna and wookyung in order to get to minho way more fascinating, and wished it was explored more. now, the only thing im happy with is gyerin is probably getting her happy ending with the new girl. she’s also the only one who went “fuck this” once she saw doona wasn’t going to reciprocate her feelings, and im rlly glad she did that. at first, i didnt think much of her, but now, seeing how the story went (lmao), im all for gyerin being happy. and as for wookyung and minho, im interested in how their story will unfold. but i feel so so bad for minho, he was a jerk and an asshole i wont deny that, but he didnt deserve all of the hate and harm he got and still is receiving according to the side story preview. wookyung is still a great and fascinating character, i do like characters like him, but how he was used was just not satisfying. and it seems like there might be a case of stockholm syndrome coming up where he might fall for wookyung. i just wish doona had smth to do with it before she parted ways or she could have helped minho, but yeah. *shrugs* this story left me confused as to what the author is doing, there is wasted potential and opportunities at every corner. the plot goes one way then goes another to end on a weird note. i also think the whole gl, bl stuff was more of a fanservice thing and that’s probably why it’s more of a disjointed story? as in, i feel like the gl and bl stuff should either have been more of a focus and woven into the story or it should have been entirely separate so the author wouldn’t have to shove many things at once and just focus on one or two pairing. one thing i might add for the story is that it felt as if it was trying to make us surprised, but the so called “twists” that happened just made it more confusing and those probably shouldn’t have been there as they don’t add much to the story narrative. back to gyerin, you can see that gyerin and the new girl can have their own separate story from the start (she didn’t have much to do with the primary conflict and could easily have a flashback to doona instead of the whole fanservice lol). the same goes for wookyung and minho as well, and it’d have been perfectly fine. at the end you basically see three pairings, the m/f, the f/f and the m/m. however, we dont even know if minho is into men? so i’m not sure how’s that gonna be considered BL? then again, every pairing could have been in the main story, but it’s not? for some reason??? it feels as if the author wanted their pairings without putting in the effort of making it into the main story, hence the side stories or they just wanted to make it separated without putting too many characters in it. obviously, for wookyung and minho, there’s no way doona wouldn’t have done smth if it was fully explored in the main story, and it might have changed the ending too. there’s multiple ways the story could have gone, but this one was the only conflict that was much more interesting imo, but it wasnt used that much.

gyerin didn’t really have much to do there other than be lesbian fanservice for doona (and the audience, writer and maybe the artist too?), and to be some kind of support for haesol. that’s about it, so i can understand why she’d not have a full blown romance in the main story, but seeing that she keeps reappearing, she still could have her side story integrated into it. lmao i don’t even kno if doona is bi/pan lol or if she just had sex bc she was drunk then did it just for pleasure without being interested in women at all.

EDIT: iirc doona did get aroused seeing gyerin uh doing stuff, so it could be possible that she is interested in women, but maybe only sexually? although i still could be wrong lol and it could just have been a moment of “I’m straight, but horny and u’ll do for now”. she could be in the closet too, who knows.

overall, sadistic beauty had some interesting conflict, some good characters (ill never like haesol lol), good art and the storytelling by this artist is well paced, but the execution and where the story went leaves a sour taste in my mouth. would i recommend this story? absolutely not. it is so frustrating, and for what? i wish i had saved myself this headache from the very start but the art and the fact that doona was a dom was what reeled me in. i only came back to it to see if the writer redeemed their story in some ways, but... well... you saw how that went.  i would follow the artist if i could, their art is beautiful. however, i cannot say the same for the writer. from my exp, it seems that many webtoons have good art, but the writing definitely leaves way more room for improvement. that said, i do hope ppl will learn that in order to make a great comic/webtoon/manga and so on, it is not only about pretty drawings. the story and writing should be up to par with the art. if not, it should be at least close to it. because the art might attract people, but if the story doesn’t resonate, if it doesn’t make much sense, then ppl are bound to leave and drop it. and what is a story, but pretty pictures and nothing substantial in it? nothing, but superficial beauty.

[redheadbigshoes]

i feel a little weird when i see other lesbians talking about how they always felt weird and alone for not being like their friends (childhood etc) having crushes on boys… because i was having crushes on boys just like my friends, except i wasnt interested in making out with those guys. i wanted the romantic hollywood movie script with them, but it never happened bc life is not a movie. Now i know i will only be completely happy and comfortable with a woman. I can find men attractive and have the same idealistic automatic feeling that i would feel as a child when i see a pretty guy, the feeling of hope that he will be the one to save me (i know thats because i learned that), but i never want to date them or be intimate with them… i feel really uncomfortable just to think about it. it doesn’t feel like me, doesn’t feel right. but i wonder if my experience isn’t very… valid? like, i know everyone is different, but am i not a lesbian because of this?

I don’t know if “crush” would be the best term in this case, comphet is responsible for playing so many tricks in our minds that it could’ve been very possible you only thought those were crushes, considering (imo) to have a crush is necessary for you to be attracted (sexually or romantically) to that person.

Maybe what you felt could be described in a similar way of how some straight women have what they call “girl crushes”? They’re not actual crushes because the feeling they give isn’t related with attraction.

What you felt is very understandable considering we live in a world that forces women to center men in their lives and to believe without men we’re nothing.

I know how it can be upsetting seeing so many lesbians share their experiences of how they felt isolated before they figured out their identity because they could never relate to other girls talking about crushing on men, but just because you experienced something different it doesn’t mean you’re not valid or that you’re not a lesbian.

If you fully know you’re not attracted to men, regardless of what you’ve experienced, you’re still a lesbian. Sexuality isn’t about our experiences (or lack of), it’s about sexual and romantic attraction.

[maggotmouth]

          hillo sexthy legends !!   i’m nora and i’ll be writing margo colby n probs sm1 else bcos lets be real, i lack self-control. u can find her pinterest here n some info abt her sexy self below the cut. plot with me on discord ( hot girl midsommar#8664 ) or in my ims !!  x o x

     * CAMILA MORRONE, CIS WOMAN + SHE / HER  | you know MARGO COLBY, right? they’re TWENTY-THREE, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, ELEVEN YEARS? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to SCRAWNY BY WALLOWS  like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole BLEACH WHITE SNEAKERS POUNDING ON A GYMNASIUM FLOOR, USING THE SAME BLUNT SCISSORS TO HACK THE SLEEVES OFF AN EXES T-SHIRT THAT YOU USE TO CUT YOUR 3AM FRINGE, A WALNUT-SHAPED ACHE IN THE PIT OF YOUR STOMACH FOR THE PERSON YOU COULD HAVE BEEN thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is AUGUST 8TH, so they’re a LEO, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nora, 25, gmt, she/her )

CLICK ANYWHERE ON THIS SENTENCE FOR SEXII GOOGLE DOC!!

bullet point summary of margo.

—   born margaret but NOBODY calls her that. its colby, coach or margo, and go to the privileged few. margo grew up in the creek commune n then dropped out of school cos of a teenage pregnancy so she was a bit of a cautionary tale back in’t’day (said tht in my yorkshire accent). she now works for summer camps coaching pee wee soccer and pee wee cheer, as well as helping out her beekeeper dad on his honey farm, which is jst north of abernathy creek, and working at scuba on the off seasons.

—  its just her and her dad, and has been for as long as she can recall !! everything she knows about her mum could fit on the back of the weathered passport photo she keeps in her wallet of a stranger who shares her face - her name’s melody, or at least tht was name she used when working as a dancer, she’s from argentina and dropped mag’s dad as soon as someone w more money came along.

—  margo’s father is a beekeeper with his own organic honey company. margo and her dad moved to irving in the early 00s, the summer between grade school and middle school, because her dad had heard about the communal living in abernathy creek and wanted to lend his skills there and live off the fatta the land in a very lenny from of mice and men kinda way.

—  for a few years of middle school margo was bullied for living with the ‘freaks from the creek’, but when they realised how chill her dad was with underage drinking, margo ‘keg-bringer’ colby soon gained popularity among the more renegade students. every so often, the high school parties would happen at her end of town, occasionally with members of the commune even offering the high schoolers a spiritual experience they’d never forget (often in the form of mushrooms) which meant people tried to stay on her good side. to get an invite to a margo colby party handed you a free pass to make up the most ridiculous shit about the commune you liked and nobody else could say anything, because they’d never been to the creek.

—  at school, margo had a lot of ‘behvioural issues’ bcos of undiagnosed adhd, she found it difficult to sit still for hours n write down huge chunks of information n her restlessness was seen as laziness. she was encouraged to do sports, as were most of the kids who weren’t that academically inclined, but she turned out to be pretty hot shit at sprinting, because she grew up surrounded by bee houses and he who runs slowest gets stung, baybeyy!! so yea, in school sports became her LIFE. she was gonna get a sports scholarship to college but ended up dropping out of school in senior year n becoming one of those kids who could have had it all but lost it.

—  she had sex with sutter at a house party when she wasnt really ready because it felt like the right thing to do at the time and everybody else was doing it. she’d attended health class, she’d seen the corny videos. she knew about all the statistics, but she also knew that it had never happened to anyone she knew and the pull out method was basically safer than the morning after pill and way less expensive.

—  a teenage pregnancy knocked her out of the runnings for prom queen and meant she had to leave school early. she didn’t go to college when her friends did, instead she spent the time interviewing potential foster candidates and eating her weight in lindt chocolate while marathoning love island in her room.  

—  she had a son, who she passed off to someone else a couple of towns away.  it was a closed adoption which seemed like the best idea at the time, but she now wishes she had access to his life.

—  after peaking in high school and jumping between jobs for a few years, she got a more permanent role at scuba which she loves with all of her heart and soul, but unfortunately a bar job doesn’t pay the rent.  

—  she works at summer camps coaching  junior soccer and netball on the side. she’s extremely competitive and takes it very personally if her team lose. the kids all call her, coach colby n write her longwinded letters about how they’ll never forget this summer camp before they go back to their suburban picket fence houses n she keeps all the letters in a drawer n takes them out to read when she’s feelin depressed.

—  enjoys surfing and worked for a number of years on resorts like mila kunis’ job in forgetting sarah marshall. she went on to work 18-hour days as a stewardess on luxury yachts which is a part of her backstory i added after watching season one of below deck because i guess i really am that fucking impressionable. met most of her surf friends doing tht but said she’d never in her life do it again bcos it was mostly just picking up after rich white ppl for shit pay. she came back to irving n thats when she started doing the summer camp jobs so she could move out of the creek n get her own apartment. 

—  she never actually finished senior year so she’s currently going to night school at the community college to get through her exams and is trying to save to go to college or open university. she wants to major in criminology. she’s super ambitious but also super adhd so she fluctuates between thinking she can achieve anything to just feeling like a failure n thinkin whats the point

—  used to shoplift to feel joy and as an act of resistance to her hippy commune routes, but now sees herself as a reformed, bin-diving freegan (sims 4 eco living can i get a hell yaaaa). also she thinks it’s totally wrong to steal when you have enough money and clearly don’t need to steal to survive, ppl risk imprisonment for basic necessities, so for her to do it for a brief thrill and some new shades felt a bit derogatory

—  was raised jewish. became a vegetarian as a child because it seemed, at the time, easier than having to explain which foods she was and wasn’t allowed to eat together, so she just cut out meat entirely. still a vegetarian now and dabbles in veganism, although its become less about not eating certain meats in the milk of their mother and more about her global impact / carbon footprint

—  nurses little animals to health in her garden. has a hedgehog name OJ short for orange juice not the other one filthy pig. her and her dad have always been huge animal rights activists and existed on a vegetarian diet. the only one in their house who isn’t vegetarian is their cat, auggie. (short 4 augustus gloop)

—  has a lot of stupid ass stick and poke tattoos. there was a phase during her years as a barmaid where she wanted to train as a tattoo artist n would mostly practice on herself or any friends who would let her

—  she doesn’t form many long lasting friendships cos she tends to be super excited when she makes a new friend and just see them all the time but then it wears off and she can ghost a bit. she’ll always coming pinging back but she’s not the most predictable or loyal friend, sometimes she’ll sleep in your house every night for a week and then you won’t even get a text from her for a month. her best friends are elderly neighbours and houseless people she meets when volunteering at the foodbank. she thinks they’re more authentic than most of the ‘fake posers’ she meets down the vela pier

—  calls herself a butch lesbian but still has sex with men when she wants validation. sexually attracted to some men, especially effeminate men, but only romantically attracted to women. very possessive of the gals in her life.

—  stopped giving a shit about getting older or adhering to anyone elses bullshit standards, realised it was all fake p much as soon as she dropped out of school and one by one her friends just stopped texting her

—  lives in one of the lofts in port apartments. it’s open plan with rugs and lava lamps everywhere. she has a palette bed. its all very ‘sustainable chic’. like, oh wow, a pallet bed that im supposed to think you made from scratch but i KNOW you got it  off ebay because you thought it looked trendy

—  constantly says shes poor but still buys clothes from urban outfitters. sus.

—  frequently found at fannies flirting with the cute bisexual bartender with a choppy black bob.

general vibe / personality

vibrant, vulgar, self-absorbed, tenacious, veers bewteen apathetic and dogmatic, temperamental, flighty, unreliable, magnetic, charismatic, passive aggressive, likes to play devil’s advocate, takes the moral high ground. estp and a leo

likes: 70s music, john wayne movies, black mirror, philosophy, cowboy chic culture, dc comics, the smell of locker rooms,, deep red lipstick, lacrosse sticks, smoking weed from a bong, dogs, karaoke, pet rats, kate moss, late-night strolls, hawaaiian shirts worn open over a bralette, skinned knees, thai food, picking the apples at the very top of the trees, zip-lining, cigarettes, the idea of pegging but not the practical application of it, decorative lamps, LGBTQ+ pin badges, worn-out furniture, twangy electric guitars.

dislikes: girls who call other girls ‘pick me’ girls, woody allen movies, mental mathematics, wealthy children, quentin tarantino, ironing, institutionalised misogyny, the imaginary future, french literature, ‘dump him’ feminism, wes anderson films, spoken word poetry nights, college-educated bar staff who act like they’re better than you,  indie softbois, the general mentality of cheerleading squads.

aesthetics

orange peel, the smell of bleach, skeleton drawings in the margins of a journal, thumb holes poked through the cuffs of your sleeves, bleach white sneakers pounding on a gymnasium floor, setting dumpsters on fire for the hell of it. a hit flask of vodka decorated with hello kitty stickers, split knuckles, alien conspiracy theories and sci-fi paperbacks, doc martens with fraying laces, a child in an oversize bee keepers suit, scabbed knees, not eating your greens, smiling with a mouthful of blood, and piercing your own ears with a safety pin when your dad wouldn’t take you,  a tennis racket you punched through in a fit of temper, feet pounding the earth until your soles bleed crimson, sleeping in a cherry lip balm and scrunchies to keep the wild locks from your eyes.

hoo boy this is getting LONG AS FUCK but here are my wanted plots

wanted plots

ok margo’s been in irving since she was like 10. she’s quite a vivacious person?? she dresses completely instinctively without any sense of cohesion so she stands out. a guy once told her she was wearing the ugliest outfit he’d ever seen and he thought that was so cool and brave of her. but anyway where was i going.. she grew up in the abernathy creek so stuck out like a sore thumb,,,, maybe ppl who were super interested in the creek or maybe poked fun at her bcos of it idk.....

b4 she dropped out, margo used 2 b in with the cool kids at school bcos her dad would buy them booze and rarely ask for the money. maybe a fun plot cld b with some of the ‘it girls’ she used to hang around with b4 she got pregnant n dropped out and they all went off to college n stopped texting her.

frinds !! unlikely friends !! toxic friends !! some1 she feels like she knew before irving ???

since margo literally can’t differentiate between romantic and platonic love, she’s got off with so many of her mates, so i want awkward friendships where they nearly dated, or exes that have now just turned into weird friendships. fwbs. enemies with benefits. all the angst. all the slow burn mutual pining we hate each other narratives

locals who play sports. margo wld be all over community soccer n take it way too seriously. maybe ppl she plays hockey with. girls who she’s like, weirdly intimate with but its not a thing cos the other girls straight !!! what do u mean !! aha just fun !

she works part time at scuba. i want a mate that just goes and sits in there talking to her until her manager gets angry.

she's also a surf instructor and occasionally works as a lifeguard!! gal has like 7 jobs ik but regular swimmers hmu

ppl she coaches at the gym !! she wants to be a personal trainer

i reckon she might have recently started meditating to try and calm down her mind cos its always bustling with thoughts, n i think she’s p interested in buddhism so if anyone’s a buddhist hmu

someone she’s trying to make a zine with on female empowerment and women in film and art, etc. just a very feminist zine. 

TLDR:  angry sports gay, former high school track prodigy turned drop out, who likes feminist literature, wearing leather jackets over slip dresses, and smudged red lipstick.

this was so long !!! im sorry !! if you’ve read this far have a biscuit, love x

[traumatisedbabygay]

update on my gender crisis:

the more i think about it, the only thing tethering me to a gender before was my masking autistic need to follow rules, no matter how arbitrary i believed them to be. Thinking back, my entire life, the idea of gender and gender norms, stereotypes, ect...it just baffled me. Like, what do you *mean* sit "lady like". What is ladylike? Im sat on the chair...isnt that what it means to sit? Or when i was asked the question "if you could, would you be a boy", and my 11-year-old answer was something like "i mean, i dont know. What difference would it make? I guess not having a period would be nice though..."

Looking back, that answer wasnt me trying to make a statement to my friends that "girls can do anything boys can do". It was me going "wait...gender is meant to *feel* like something. And i would feel different if i were a boy? For practicality reasons having the opposite sexes' body would be convenient but thats all it would be. A body". It was me realising subconsciously that i dont know what gender is supposed to feel like. I was looking at gender as an objective thing, some words and terms that i repeated because thats all i knew it to be. And since i didnt feel negatively about it, i never really had to think hard about it.

Its a lot easier to notice a negative feeling thats there, versus an empty indifference somewhere very deep inside. It was relatively easy for me to realise i was gay: i had a friend come out as bi in yr 8, it sent me into a crisis, and then after that i secretly looked at lingerie models photoshoots because i liked the "fluttery feeling" they gave me. Sure, i buried it deep inside me for three years, but when lockdown came and i was with only myself most of the time, my need to pretend faded away, and i finally accepted that i was a lesbian

That was easier because it was a feeling i could place. I could name it. I could, as a physical, objective thing, say that "i am attracted to women and not men." I could give the feeling a name, it felt real. It felt intrusive almost, like the gay thoughts were there so much i shoved heteronormative media down my own throat so i didnt have to listen to them. My lesbianism made itself visible to me in a way that my gender never has.

Every gender identity i read upon, however, still doesnt feel right. Its like the way im feeling is so abstract and distant that it exists outside the boundaries of language. And im okay with that. Im okay being percieved as female, and im okay using she/her pronouns. Im okay being percieved as male (even if i never am bc i present very femme). Im okay being percieved as nonbinary, and idc if someone uses they/them pronouns for me. Aside from he/him, there isnt anything about gender i really feel. And the only reason he/him feels wrong for me, is because it feels too different to what i know...which is either she/her, or just....nothing. Pronouns and gender identities feel like filler words. Terms used just to form a coherent sentence, rather than feelings that i can fully say i resonate with.

I feel nothing when i say "im a girl". Nothing bad, nothing particularly good. I just feel.....indifferent. As if "girl" is a superficial identity that i keep because im avoidant of change. But if i say that i feel like anything other than a girl, i do feel something. Guilt. How dare I say im struggling with gender identity when there are people out there clawing at their own bodies and binding unsafely and self harming because of dysphoria? How could i possibly think that my small feelings of "you know, i dont really get this whole gender thing" means i deserve a label other than cis. Wouldnt that be appropriation? Wouldnt i be taking away the experiences of other non-cis people?

I dont feel cis, but i also dont feel not-cis. And the more i think about it, the more confused I get. I think its all definitely related to my autism, but even the microlabel autigender doesnt feel right. *No* label feels right.

And i dont know what to do about that.

[thewolfisapartofmysoul]

Hey lovelies.

Got you a Dewey x reader fic.

Reader coming out as ace (asexual) while Dewey is playing the guitar and the reader lounging on his lap. Fluff and angst ahead. All aboard! Fair warning... its quite long...

Hope you enjoy. 💜

..................................................................................

Safe

You and Dewey had been friends since kindergarten. You were as thick as thieves. Being able too see your best friend everyday since you two were roommates only made things better.

Dewey was a incredibly bouncy, happy person. That much you guys had in common. You both were as enthausiastic as you were chaotic sometimes. And when you were having one of 'these' days... the ones when you just woke up grumpy, you could find comfort in the small things in each other. He would give you one single look and knew what kind of day it was. It was on these days that Dewey proved himself being the man, the myth and the legend you believed he was. He would make sure your favorite tea was ready in the morning, with just the right amount of honey in it. And he would do anything to crack your mood up during the day. Including some 'sick' dance moves on random moments, and playing requests you had on his guitar always calmed your mind. In return you knew that playing guitar hero cleared his clouded mind, and spontaneous dance parties always made him smile.

Long story short, you'd be there for each other.

.......

The thing was that lately you came to realise that some things were different for you then they were for him.

You always pictured yourself with a partner as loving and caring as Dewey was. You just KNEW he was your favorite person in the world. It was just... difficult. The whole situation had been difficult. There had to be a person in this universe who wanted to know what made you tick. Besides Dewey. Right?

That was a question your head had been occupied with the last couple of months.

Of course you noticed Dewey going out. On dates. With actual girls.

He wasnt the most popular guy you knew, but damn... he had some charm in that authentic and warm personality he had. He also was kinda cute, you had to admit. But you were 101% cool with him dating. Even helping him pick out outfits and scolding him for forgetting garlic on date-night is a no-go. And when he wouldnt come home at night you would smile to yourself, because you was happy for the dude.

So why werent you out there? Dating? Again? You tried. Hell... you tried so SO hard to actually like people.

Liking wasnt the right word. Cause liking people wasnt that difficult. You could love the personalities of people in a heartbeat. Loved the way they laughed, or the freckles on their face, or the way they sat. You'd loved the way they talked about what drove them, what they were passionate about. You loved so many people. Yet you loved no-one.

You came to realise lately that you were kind of different. For instance: Dewey could swoon over a girl he saw for one second. One moment he was chilling with u at your local bar, the next moment you saw that sparkle in his eyes... And with a wink, a pat on your shoulder and a VERY bad attempt to moonwalk away from you, you knew you didnt had to wait up for him.

That was fine. Never bothered you actually. It was a signal you guys had created. Dewey also knew that when u werent in the mood or okay with leaving alone, you would put on a pouty face. That would be his que to get the random-chick's number, promising to call her, before excusing himself to her and drop back on the barstool beside you.

You liked it that way. He was free to go. As were you. He was your buddy. Your parnter in crime. That was the way it was.

You were just frustrated with yourself the last couple of months.

You could look at a man or a woman and be like: jeez, you are pretty. Look at that adorable face!

You would walk up there, talk to them. Now... that wasnt the hard part. The hard part came after that.

When you talked to someone, wether it be a beautifull quirky women or a handsome kind lad... there always came that moment that they would give a 'certain' comment. Or a glance up and down. Or let their hands wander little bit... and the magic would be gone for you.

Totally gone. Your mind would just go: 'nope'. You would find their smile attractive. But when everyone else's knees would give up at their bedroom eyes they gave you, and them saying something like: "you look like i could eat ya, wanna get out of here?" you would just feel nothing. Besides of getting noxious at the idea of them looking at you that way...

.......

Dewey noticed you getting more silent as you internly struggled with this a while. After 'just' men, you started some online research and tried something new. There was a period u had labeled youself as bisexual. But the label just didn't fit right. You tried the word: 'lesbian' for a month or 3.

Dewey had again proven to be an actual legend, after you told him you might not be straight. He was so pumped for you, buzzing with excitement and acceptance when you told him. He bounced up and down on the couch and offered to go to gay-bars together. You even had to keep him from hanging the actual rainbow-flag out of the window, to support you. Dewey suspected you had just been a late bloomer, so he was more then excited when you seemed to make some steps into the date-world, and wanted to make sure he helped you out were he could.

But that wasnt it either. Being bisexual or lesbian was not what made you you as well.

You had been desperately looking for a label to fit you but you couldn't quite put your finger on it.

........

Dewey would notice your online research by accident. He got up from his jamming session at the couch and ruffled a hand tiredly throw his brown locks. You was on a date. With... amy? Agnes? He couldnt quite remember. He chuckled, while opening your computer, hoping you'd been having fun.

He was looking on an article about ACDC he came across a while ago, when the google question popped up in the browser history. He frowed, but clicked anyway. "I dont feel sexual attraction towards people. What's wrong with me?"

A pang of guilt creeped through his chest. Did he totally miss all that? Y/n had fun with people in bars right? She was on a date right this moment... with... Anne, or whats her name again?

Dewey poundered, he would always see you laughing and having fun while chatting to strangers. 'God... you was so likeable it was super-easy for you to make new friends.' But after he put some more thought to it, he couldnt quite remember the last time y/n talked about having a crush. Or kissing someone. She didnt even talked about her date today enough for him to be able to remember her name. He felt a bit sad about it but Dewey had to find out what you were feeling, so he clicked through the rest of the history page.

.......

You actually tried to kiss Alma today, you'd been seeing her for a while... You two had a lot in common and you liked the way she practically buzzed with excitement when she talked about mountainbiking, smiling as she did so.

'it only seemed like the right thing to do' you forced yourself to think that... 'Alma deserved that much, right? She'd been so kind to me...'

After your date Alma reached out to softly grab you by your hip, pulling you towards her. 'Well... here goes nothing...' you thought as she brought her mouth closer to you.

But right when your lips were about to meet, it felt wrong. A panic rose in your chest and before you knew what happened you turned your head slightly and kissed her cheeck. You was infuriated with yourself. 'How could you! After date #3. Were you mad? What was wrong with you?!'

The girl in question seemed just as baffled as you. She smiled a sad smile to you, before giving you a side-hug and catching her train to go home.

You sighed, dropped your shoulders as you slumped home. 'Side-hugs are not good. They're not 'relationship-material', you fool." You wanted so bad to be 'normal...'

.......

By the time you was done walking home you reached a new low-piont in your self-esteem. Thats when you noticed u had a missed call. Dewey. You sighed. He had been SO happy for you to be dating. Enthausiastically helping you with your outfit and even what kind of perfume you should wear. You were not only a dissapiontment for yourself... but for Dewey as well.

You quickly wiped away a tear. Damn this. Damn this shit. Damn this day. You just didnt felt it. Again.

All you wanted to do was to jump into a hot shower, eat some pizza on the couch and lounge on the couch, revel in the safe comfort of Dewey.

You were not dissapionted by the smell of your favorite pizza already stalking towards you on the way to your front door. You smiled a bit at that.

Dewey had seen you crying through the window of your apartment and already planned to do something special for you, since you had such a hard time lately and he had been too oblivious too see it. So he decided to make you your favorite pizza, and just be there for you when your date didnt worked out.

You opened the door and was greeted by a dancing Dewey in his boxershorts and old band t-shirt. He was smiling at you while hopping of the cough while The Pretender of the Foo Fighters blasted through your appartement. He headbanged towards the speakers and you managed to get out a small snort. Your neighbours had to hate you guys.

Wiping your nose you tried to smile at him. But failed miserably. You stood in the middle of the living room feeling small and stupid. Your lip was quivering and you wanted to wipe the tear away that was spilling down your cheeck.

All in that moment Dewey was by your side, wiping away the tear that you inteded to brush away yourself.

You smiled sadly at him, through your tears and sobs. And you heard him mumble your name while pulling you into his arms. "Its okay love. You're okay. Im so proud of you." He started petting your head softly with his calloused fingers and holding you close. He knew this was a big step for you, and didnt asked any questions about your breakdown. Or date. He wanted you to tell him when you were ready. Untill then there were no words needed.

You got out of his loving embrace when you heard something beeping in the distance. "Dew! The pizza!" You smacked his arm and while muttering a "fuck" under his breath, he took a dive towards the oven.

He smiled a lopsided smile to you while striking a ridiculous pose, using the towel in his hands as a cape. He sing song: "i am the pizza heroooooo and i present you your favorite pizza, mylady...." You couldnt help but cackle at that. "Your a weirdo Dew... but thanx pizza-king."

.......

You two ate on the couch after you took a shower and dressed in your favorite sweats.

After Dewey had put away the dishes he dropped on the couch with you and grabbed his guitar. You went to lie with your head on his lap while he was tuning the strings. You listened to him fumbling with some wires and relaxed at the familiar sound and the rise of his chest above you. He played some chords untill there was a rythem in them and you felt your clouded mind become clearer.

You were relaxing against him when you heard him mumble your name... "hey y/n, wanna hear anything particular?" You shaked your head no.

He hummed in response, playing the tune of your favorite song anyway.

Dewey softly started singing:

"And i don't want the world to see me.

Cause i don't think that they'll understand.

When everything is made to be broken.

I just want you to know who i am...."

You felt the tears behind your eyes prickling. With a soft poke in his chest you whispered with all the courage you had left: "...Dew... Dewey..."

"Hmmm...sweetheart, whats up?" He replied softly.

You sighed, rubbing your hand against your forehead, gathering some more courage. You muttered: "I ehm.... I think I need to tell you something Dew..."

He went to put his guitar away. Shifting slightly so you was lying with your head on his lap, and he could look you right in the eye from how he was sitting. He grabbed your hand ,that out of stress had been clutching your own sweater, and placed his hand around yours. Squeezing lightly in encouragement. He smiled at you. It was an understanding smile, full of love and patience. You could cry at that alone. But swallowed your tears away, there had been anough crying today you decided.

Dewey saw you swallow hard and brought your clutched hands to his mouth and kissed them. "You can tell me anyting babe. You know that right?" You hummed in response.

Knowing you could trust him but also feeling incredibly scared and anxious... you stuttered: "Dew... i think... there is a reason i dont... i think i might be..." he squeezed your hand one more time.

You took that as an encouragement and mumbled the words that were nagging you for the past few months, your nerves barely made your voice louder then a whisper: "I think... ehm... I might be asexual Dewey..."

You felt like you could throw up. Or cry. Or both. You actually were about to bolt and do just that, untill you heard a familiar voice bringing u back to the present moment.

"... y/n... love... youknow..."

You coulndnt even hear full scentences of what Dewey was saying. His voice fading away, your nerves making it hard to fucus. He noticed your absence and your shallowing breathing, your breaths becoming faster and shorter with each one you took in. You couldnt even look at him while saying that. You were a pathetic coward... and now he would finally see you for the freak and the outcast you were. He would be disgusted and think you were a robot and leave you... You took another shaking breath...

A feeling brought you out of your shallow breathing. You noticed familliar calloused fingers glide through your hair. Combing through it and massaging your scalp softly. A smile appeared on your face, his movement was slowly getting the darkness outof your head. Finally you dared to look up towards Dewey. He was softly humming to you. His voice always calmed you, definetly right in this moment. His humming grounded you, while he was softly playing with your hair. You felt his other thumb circle softly on your hand he was still holding.

He smiled a soft smile at you, whisperening: "Hey... your back with me princess?" You nodded slowly. Tears spilling on your cheeks once again. "y/n, sweetheart, i love you the way you are. Always did, and always will. You are you. And if that is being asexual, then that's totally okay and i will be here for you. Every step of the way. Im so proud of you..."

He wiped away your tears, and while you choked out a "thank you Dewey", he kissed you on your forehead.

"Im so proud of you coming to terms with yourself. You dont have to do anything you dont want, okay? Dont ever feel obligated to date anyone just to feel 'normal'. You are you, y/n. And you are enough."

You smiled at that and yawned. The emotions of today suddenly making you very tired. "Dew..." you mumbled sleepy.

"Yeah...?"

"You may do the head-massage more often... it feels nice"

He chuckled at that, pinching your nose playfully. "Thats a deal... now off to bed with you, miss platonic."

You chuckled sleepily. Admire-ing his bad jokes even at this time and moment.

"Thanx Dewey..."

"Anytime babe..." he awnsered.

You stood up, your head and body suddenly heavy with sleep. Your mind drifted for a moment, but came back to the presence of Dewey sofly poking your side. You giggled, he knew you were ticklish there, and you swatted his hand away when he tried to do it a second time. He chuckled at that, glad he made you laugh again.

You looked at the floor. Anxiety bubbling in your chest at the nagging question in your head. Could you ask him this? After all that just happened? Would he still take you serious if you did? It wasn't sexual but still as intimate as you could be, and you didn't want to seem like you weren't serious. Since... well... people... sometimes mistook cuddles for sex. You still felt anxcious and conflicted, but didn't want to sleep alone. You took a big breath, looking a bit tired and sleepy up at him. Heart thumping nervously in your chest as your hands started to sweat. You glanced at his face and when you saw a half smile creeping up his face you knew you could ask him anything.

"Dew.... would you..." you had to stop because a yawn was bugging you. You continued after wiping your face sleepily, still anxious: "would you mind sleeping with me tonight? I... just... really dont wanna be alone right now. I need some cuddles." You confessed, biting your lip as you waited for his response. Anxiety slowly spreading in your chest as you waited at his awnser.

Instead of awnsering with words Dewey got up from the couch and pulled you into a big hug, once again petting your hair while holding you tight. You sighed and felt the tension leaving your body as he held you. "Of course..." he mumbled sofly in the crook of your neck. You took a big breath through your nose, nerves calming as you were surrounded by the familiar smell of Dewey. A familiar smell of tea-tree-oil, a bit of sweat and a hint of pizza from your dinner. His body was warm and his stubble tickled your neck as he held you close. You felt safe in his arms, and less troubled. Your mind cleared with every breath you felt him take in as the two stood there together. His hands seemed to wipe every anxious, stressed thought you had away. His calloused fingers still combing trough your hair affectionately. You sighed back at him, relaxed by his caring touch: "Thanx Dew...."

......

When you lay in your bed, later that night you fell asleep quite quickly. You knew you wouldnt be alone. Dewey snored a little in his sleep, and you couldnt help but smile. Feeling safe in his strong arms as he hugged you in his sleep, you felt his calm breath on your neck. The last thing you thought before drifting off was: 'Its gonna be fine. Im gonna be okay. Dewey is with me. Whatever i happen to like or not like, feel or not feel...

Dewey is here. Right by my side.'

Tagging: @paxenera @heknowshisherbs @hoodoo12 @large-unit @little-miss-shy-goth @thats-specific @vicunaburger @ironmansuucks @bugdrinkss @go-commander-kim @stranger-strings