#blast from the not so past but still past friday continues

[korvessa]

Still thinking how unnecessary this video was, no, THESE VIDEOS because he just had to make one in english and one in finnish?? Dude just wanted to brag that Bojan spent a night at his place rather than some hotel in Helsinki. (Also he calls Bojan’s lace shirt ”SHOW UNDERWEAR”)

[daisynik7]

Give You Blue

Chapter 4: Alone Together

Pairing: Eren x f!reader, Reiner x f!reader (past relationship)

Rating: Explicit (for mature content)

cw: switching POVs (reader is in 2nd person, Eren is in 3rd), angst, language, a bit of fluff

Word Count: ~5.7k

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Give You Blue Masterlist | ao3 | Give You Blue Taglist

Summary: You and Annie attend a dinner at the Mu Phi sorority house on campus. Reiner, on his way out of Delta Delta, ambushes you on the walk back to your dorm for a less than pleasant conversation. Later that week, RA Eren hosts a game-night for his fellow residents. But, with it being on a Friday right after midterms, he's disappointed when it flops. Fortunately, someone comes to his rescue. Author’s Notes: Hope you enjoy this one! Likes, comments, and/or reblogs are ALWAYS appreciated. Please let me know what you think, I thrive off of reading your comments! If you want to be tagged in any future chapters, please let me know! Divider created by @/mikeykuns.

“Eren, are you paying attention?” 

Armin waves his hands in front of his friend’s face, snapping Eren out of whatever reverie he’s stuck in. He shakes his head slightly, grinning. “Sorry, Armin. Sort of zoned out for a minute there.” They sit next to each other on Eren’s bed, watching a movie on his laptop. It’s Saturday night, and Eren actually agreed to be social today. 

Armin taps on the space bar, pausing the film. “You’ve been doing that a lot lately. Are you sure you’re getting enough sleep?”

The real answer is no, but with Armin, he’ll only worry if he knows the truth. “Plenty. All eight hours,” Eren lies. In reality, he’s getting four hours tops. He stays up late studying, then spends the rest of the night tossing and turning in bed, anxious about the future. 

Oblivious, Armin responds happily. “Good! Living by yourself is already paying off. Sometimes I wish I could have my own space. The frat house can get pretty noisy, especially with Connie as a roommate.” He chuckles, reaching towards the bag of chips between them.

“Connie’s a blast to be around, though. I’m sure you’re having fun.”

“Yeah, I am. You should really come by the house.”

“Maybe. When I have time.” In all honestly, he has no intention of stepping foot in that frat house. Not because he has a disdain for Greek life; but because it’ll only show him what he’s missing out on. He already feels that way whenever he catches up with Mikasa and Armin, both thoroughly enjoying their college experience still. 

Mikasa returns from the bathroom, hopping on the bed to squeeze next to Eren. “What did I miss?”

“We ended up pausing the movie anyways, so not much.” Armin passes the snacks to Mikasa, who throws a handful into her mouth. 

They continue the movie, Eren’s mind drifting into space again. He’s already thinking about the upcoming chemistry midterm next week, how he hasn’t fully memorized the amino acids and their structures yet. And how he has to schedule a date to meet with Hange Zoë, a senior doing research in the lab, to see if he can shadow her for a month. On top of that, he’s planning on hosting a small event at the dorms, something to help his residents let off some steam after exams. It’s all too much. He wants to sleep and pretend that none of these obligations exist. 

The credits roll on his computer screen. He blinks, fully unaware of what transpired during the movie. His friends hang around for a few more minutes before leaving to head to a party somewhere else on campus. Once again, he’s alone. 

He is not motivated to study tonight, already burnt out from the last couple of days. Instead, he practices his electric guitar, working on a particular riff of this song he likes, replaying it over and over through his headphones. He loses himself in the music for a while, the closest thing to an escape that he can reproduce inside his own bedroom. Fingers sore from picking and strumming, he decides to call it a night. Face washed and teeth brushed, he snuggles under the covers, glancing at his phone. 11:00 PM. Wild night, he thinks to himself, laughing. 

Suddenly, his brother’s name flashes across the screen. “Zeke?”

“Eren, hey. You’re not sleeping already, are you?”

“Nah. But I’m in bed.”

“On a Saturday night?”

“Yep.”

Zeke chuckles heartily. “Oh boy. I can already hear it in your voice. Welcome to the club, little brother. Your descent into med school hell is starting.”

“Yay, can’t wait,” Eren responds sarcastically. “Anyways, what’s up?”

“I wanted to check in and see how you’re doing. Clearly not well.”

“I’ve been better.” He keeps his answer vague on purpose. With Zeke, he doesn’t go into too much detail with the emotions he’s experiencing. As much as he respects his older brother, the two of them don’t always see eye-to-eye. While Eren usually acts out of emotion, sometimes to a fault, Zeke is detached, unable to empathize with what his younger brother is struggling with.  

“Is dad still giving you a hard time? I heard he wasn’t happy with your last quiz grade.” 

Eren ignores the urge to ask how he knows about that, already aware that they talk about him behind his back. “I told him it was weighted, so technically I passed.” 

“Well, you know how the old man is. Technicalities don’t really matter to him.”

He rolls his eyes, staring up at the ceiling of his bedroom, almost regretting picking up this call. “What are you trying to say?”

“I’m saying you should study harder.”

He’s fighting to keep his cool, his body tense with anger. Before he loses it, he mutters through gritted teeth, “Okay, thanks. I actually gotta go now, bye.”

“Eren, I’m just trying to help – ”

He doesn’t wait for Zeke to finish his sentence, already tapping on the red button to end the call. Now, with his mood ruined, he’s not sure if he can fall asleep. He wishes it was still daylight, specifically the golden hour when the sun sets. It would be the perfect time to head to his favorite spot: the beach that overlooks the shimmering expanse of blue ocean water separating Paradis and Marley. He discovered this area recently, on one of his drives that he takes to temporarily escape. It brings him peace, even if the moment is fleeting. 

Instead, he scrolls through his contacts, tapping on his mom’s name, holding the phone back up to his ear. When her familiar voice greets him on the other line, the tears start flowing and he spends the next half hour confiding in her. 

~~~

You and Reiner cuddle in bed, his nose nuzzled to the back of your neck, spooning you. Bertolt is home for the weekend, leaving the room to yourselves. 

“Coco, are you still awake?”

You hum, snuggling closer to him, on the verge of sleep. He swallows hard behind you, as if he’s nervous. “I think I want to live in the fraternity house next semester.”

This gets your attention. Surprised, you turn around to face him. “What?”

“It’ll help me bond with my brothers better.”

“But we were supposed to live together.” The two of your agreed quite early in the semester that you would live together in one of the on-campus apartments. This news comes to you as a shock, since he’s never mentioned wanting to live on Greek Row, until now. 

“I just want to try it out for a year, baby. When we’re juniors, we can find our own place off campus, so we can do whatever we want.” He pulls you closer, kissing your forehead. “Everything is going to work out, okay? You can wait a year, right?”

Of course you can wait; that’s what he asks you of, so you’ll do it. But you don’t want to. You had all these exciting ideas laid out in your head: cooking meals together, relaxing on the couch in each other’s arms, being alone without worrying about parents or roommates barging in on the two of you. Being together all the time. 

“Coco, say something.”

It’s easy to get upset. Make a fuss and yell at him for being selfish. Simultaneously, you feel guilty for thinking this way, like you’re the bad girlfriend for disagreeing with it. For wanting him all to yourself.

“Okay,” you finally respond. “I’ll ask Annie if she wants to live together again, I guess.” It’s a compromise for the sake of making him happy. Because more than anything, you want him to be happy. 

He smiles, kissing you on the lips. “You’re the best, you know that? I don’t know what I would do without you.”

You wake up, back in your own bed, Annie’s soft snores filling the quiet of the room. A quick glance at your phone shows you it’s only 4 AM in the morning. It’s been a few days since you dreamt about Reiner, a new record since the break-up. Still, whenever you do, it hurts as much as it did the first night. 

He never warned you about wanting to move into the fraternity house. It came out of nowhere, a total and complete blindside, much like when he broke up with you. He’s been this way for a while, making rash decisions and springing it on you without a mention of it beforehand. You always end up going along with it, forcing yourself to accept it without disagreement. You never could stand up for yourself, thinking it was less hassle to bend for him than to argue about it. When you’re with someone for so long, the easy road seems the obvious choice, compared to one that has bumps and cracks along the way. But just because it’s easy, doesn’t mean it’s better; it doesn’t always lead you to the right destination. And maybe that’s why you are where you are now: lost. 

It’s been almost two weeks since you saw him on that rainy day. Two weeks since he sent you that text message, which remains unanswered. There’s been moments where you stared at the screen, fingers ghosting the keyboard, wanting to send him a reply. Somehow, you’ve resisted those temptations. In the end, it’ll only lead to more heartache. The memories haven’t kept you up at night as much as it did before. Thankfully, your sleep schedule is back to normal, except for nights like this. You’re doing better each day. Annie’s two words to you are on constant loop in your head: Baby steps. Any progress, no matter how little or big, is still progress. As long as you don’t go backwards into a downward spiral.

Later in the week, Annie extends an invitation to eat dinner at one of the sorority houses on campus, Mu Phi. Hitch, a close friend, is a sister who currently lives there. As you approach Greek Row with your roommate, you look at the Delta Delta house right next door, wondering if Reiner is there, working as their hasher tonight. Possibly flirting with Christa or other sisters that surely find him attractive. You let the insecurities fade as soon as you knock on the door to Mu Phi, soon greeted by Hitch and two other friendly sisters. They lead you into the dining room, chatting about various topics, subtlety sneaking in how great sorority life is, asking if you’ve ever been interested. After all, they are constantly in recruitment mode, which doesn’t bother you. It feels nice to be desired. 

During the meal, the conversations continue. Annie, being the secret gossip she is, mentions the neighbors. You briefly described to her your run-in with Reiner and Christa, so naturally, she’s been curious since. “What’s it like living next to them?”

Hitch replies, “It’s fine. Did you know that Mikasa’s a Delta Delta?”

“Really? She rushed? I guess they can’t be all bad,” Annie muses.

Hitch eyes her with an amused smirk on her face. “Why would you say that? Who’s in there that you don’t like?”

Before Annie can respond, you interrupt, not wanting to spread any unwarranted gossip. “She’s joking. By the way, who’s Mikasa?”

“She’s this girl that attends Annie’s kickboxing class.”

Annie adds, “She’s also our RA’s sister.”

“Eren?”

She nods, confirming. His appearance around the dorms has lessened, possibly because of the upcoming midterms. He is a pre-med major after all, so you’re certain he’s too busy studying to be out and about. You wished you could have seen his face when he received the bag full of Pocky you bought for him, as thanks for sharing his umbrella on that rainy day. “I didn’t know he has a sister.”

“She’s adopted, from what I heard,” Hitch comments. “But they’re super close. Her, Eren, and Armin.”

At that third name, you glance at Annie, a slight blush creeping on her cheeks. She had a class with Armin last semester, and they were paired up for a big project. From then on, your roommate has been smitten with him, but she’ll never admit it out loud. You also recognize the name as one of Reiner’s pledge brothers from the same fraternity, though you’ve never met him personally. Knowing he’s close to Eren already gives you the impression that he’s a nice guy. 

The dinner ends with a tour of the house, not including the exclusive sleeping porch on the top floor, where all the sisters are forced to slumber beside each other. Right outside the entrance, you, Hitch, and Annie talk for a little while longer until your roommate announces, “My shift at the library is starting, so I have to leave now. Thanks for dinner Hitch!”

The three of you say your goodbyes, Hitch waving farewell from the door, you and Annie parting ways in opposite directions. It’s a clear sky tonight, the moon glowing brightly in the vast darkness, littered with barely visible stars. You take your time walking, enjoying the pleasantly cool air, admiring the other houses along Greek Row. From behind, a familiar voice calls out to you. “Coco.”

Before you face him, you curse under your breath, aware of exactly who it is. You find Reiner several feet away from you, presumably from the Delta Delta house. His fraternity is in the opposite direction, so he must have spotted you from afar, maybe heard you talking outside. You stand in place, waiting for him to catch up to you, ambushed. 

“Hey,” he says, with a sheepish grin.

You nod stiffly, unsure what to do next. It’s too late to make a run for it. Impossible to turn back the clock and sprint your way across campus. You should have known better, especially when you already assumed he’d be working there tonight. It doesn’t matter now; you’re trapped. 

“Are you heading back to your dorm?” he asks, hands in his pockets. 

You nod once more, voice stuck in your throat, unable to speak. 

“I’ll walk with you.” It’s not a question or a suggestion. It’s final. He’s determined to do it. 

Reluctant, you let him, pivoting on your heel towards the direction of your dorm, remaining silent. He stays beside you, hands in his pocket, glancing at you hesitantly. “What were you doing at Mu Phi?”

So he did notice you first. Eyes focused on the ground, you answer, “Hitch invited us for dinner.”

“Christa also invited you, remember? To the Delta Delta house.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” You don’t mean to sound venomous; well, maybe you do. Why bother bringing that up?

“I’m just reminding you. She’s really nice, you know.”

You snap, annoyed and frustrated. “Yes, Reiner, I’m sure she is very nice. That’s why I think she’d understand why I refuse to go to that house for dinner.”

“Because of me?” 

“Of course it’s because of you!”

He sighs, scratching his arm excessively. Something he does when he’s anxious. “I don’t understand why you’ve been ignoring me. I thought we agreed to be friends. You won’t even respond to my texts. How am I supposed to know that you’re okay?”

“Okay? You want to know if I’m okay? Reiner, I haven’t been okay since the day you broke up with me.” 

“That’s why I’m trying to talk to you.”

You scoff, blood boiling. “You’re the last person I want to talk to. You’re the reason I’m not okay. You broke my heart.” It’s a cheap shot to blame him, but that’s what you do. Fire everything in your arsenal to defend yourself, to hurt him.

His expression turns sullen at your harsh words. “I couldn’t be your boyfriend anymore. It’s fucked up, I know. But I did what I thought was right. I didn’t want to string you along.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me you were feeling this way? Why didn’t you talk to me about it? We tell each other everything. Why keep this away from me?” 

He chews on his lip, nervous. “I was scared, okay? Really scared to lose you. I thought if I started talking about it, you’d break up with me and hate me forever. I wasn’t ready for that.”  

You process this, not sure how you truly feel about it. On the one hand, you understand the fear of losing the most important person in your life. That’s what you two are to each other. Well, were. On the other hand, it isn’t fair that he makes decisions when he’s ready. What about you?

You arrive outside your dorm building, standing feet away from each other, your arms crossed over your chest, protecting your heart. When you don’t respond, he continues. “I care about you, Coco. You’re my best friend. You’re the most important person in my life.”

 “You say that now, but eventually, somebody else will come along. Then what?”

Quietly, he replies, “I don’t know.”

You have to stand up for yourself. Hit him with the bitter truth even if it makes him uncomfortable. You’ve gone far too long agreeing to what he wants, following his plan, sacrificing your sanity to protect him. You don’t owe him anything. He decided to dump you when he was ready. That gives you free reign to do the same. “I don’t want to be a placeholder for whenever the next person comes along. Do you understand how painful that is? To know I’m temporary? I can’t be the most important person in your life. Not like this. That’s why we can’t be friends.” 

He stares at you, dumbfounded that you won’t concede to him. Disappointed that he can’t get what he wants this time, after so many years of doing so. This is what it’s like to have control, to stick up for yourself. Maybe there is some good to come out of this breakup. 

After a while, Reiner speaks, voice trembling, eyes glistening. “You can’t do this to me, Coco. I still…I still love – ”

“Don’t say it. Do not fucking say it.” You cover your ears, as if that will prevent your brain from finishing the rest of that sentence in your head. 

“I mean it, though. No matter what happens between us. I want you in my life.”

“Why is everything about what you want? Have you ever considered what I want?” You begin to pace back and forth on the pavement, arms jittery, increasingly erratic. 

A little louder now, a tinge of arrogance in his tone, he says, “We’ve known each other our whole lives. Pretty sure I have a good idea about what you want.”

“Well, you don’t. It’s different now. You don’t know me just as much as I don’t know you.”

“How can you say this right now? You’re just going to throw us away?!”

“You did it first!” you yell at him, tears streaming down your cheeks.

He steps towards you, hands in a desperate prayer, begging. “I don’t want to lose you. Please, Coco. I need you. I need you.” It’s the magic words that he so expertly chants to you. The ones that tug at your heartstrings, make you weak in the knees. And for a second, you consider taking everything back. Reach out and hold him, forget about the pain you’ve suffered these past two months and agree to be friends. Because you’d do anything to see him happy again. For this to be a long nightmare and to wake up together, perfectly back to normal.

But you don’t. And only because the entrance to your building suddenly swings open, revealing Eren at the door, inspecting the scene with a concerned expression on his face. “Is everything okay out here?”

Reiner glares at him for the interruption. “Who are you?”

Eren steps towards you, glancing at you and Reiner. “I’m Eren, the RA for this building. Heard some yelling and thought I should check it out.” 

“Reiner is leaving now,” you murmur, avoiding Eren’s gaze, embarrassed. “I’m sorry for the commotion.” You turn to head inside, not bothering to wave goodbye to your ex, who stands there, watching you. Eren follows, sneaking glances at Reiner before swiping his ID at the door to let you both in.

“Coco,” he calls out. “Please.”

You ignore him, wiping your tears with the back of your shaky hands, listening to the door shut behind you. 

“Are you okay?” Eren asks, voice calm.

You face him, forcing a weak smile, eyes still wet. “Perfectly fine.” You turn to hurry into your room, overwhelmed and wanting to hide in the safety of your bed forever. 

Before you can, he grabs you gently by the hand, thumb brushing your knuckles. “If you ever need to talk or anything, my door is always open for you.”

You mutter a timid, “Thank you,” then rush down the hall and into your room, heart pounding against your chest. His comforting words replay in your head, trying to replace all that was said between you and Reiner.  

~~~

At the end of the week, Eren hosts a game night in the common room of the dorm building. He’s excited to bond with his residents with pizza from his favorite local Italian joint and some good old-fashioned Mario Kart. He lays the food out on the table and sets up his Nintendo console to the TV, the familiar opening sequence playing on the screen. Then, he patiently waits for his first guest. Fifteen minutes pass and still no one shows up. Where is everybody? 

At the thirty-minute mark, he lays down on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. The pizzas are surely lukewarm now, and the same tune playing on the TV is starting to grate on his ears. He texts Mikasa and Armin, complaining about the complete lack of attendees. Immediately, he gets a call from his sister. When he picks up, she states, “Eren, nobody is there because it’s the Friday night after midterms.”

“So?”

“People are getting ready to party. That’s what I’m doing, that’s what Armin is doing. That’s what everyone is doing.” 

Someone in the background yells, “Tell him to come out with us!” It’s Sasha’s voice. 

He groans, realizing his mistake. “I’m such an idiot.”

“You’re not. Just come out with us. You deserve a break.”

He considers it for a few seconds, before he replies, “Thanks, but I’m gonna head to bed.”

Sasha boos him. “C’mon, Eren! Join us! It’ll be fun!”

“I’m tired, Sash. Next time.”

Believing she can’t be heard, she whispers to Mikasa, “He always says that.” Well, she’s not wrong. 

Eren bids farewell to his friends, wishing them fun tonight. He lays on the couch for a while longer, trying to not to be too devastated at this failure of an event. Finally standing up, he heads to the table to begin packing.

“Am I too late?”

He turns around, surprised by her voice. The resident from down the hall, Room 104. The girl he’s seen cry at least three times now, the most recent being earlier in the week, outside the dorms. A small confrontation with the guy who Eren assumes is her ex, the cause behind all the tears. He was hoping to run into her soon, to check if she’s doing alright. He’s delighted to find her standing in the doorway, a small smile on her face. 

“Hey,” he greets, waving at her. She steps towards him, inspecting the plethora of food on the table. He rubs the back of his neck, embarrassed. “You’re the first person to show up, so we have plenty of food.”

She gives him a sympathetic look, opening the pizza box to grab a slice. “I’m sorry I’m late.”

He grins. “Hey, you’re here, aren’t you? That’s all that matters to me.”

As she settles in on the couch with her food, she explains, “I would have come earlier, but I was helping Annie get ready for a party.”

Eren takes the seat beside her, dropping a piece of pepperoni into his mouth. “I guess everyone really is going out tonight,” he muses, recalling what Mikasa told him earlier. 

“Well, not everyone,” she reminds him, smiling. His chest swells with warmth seeing this side of her. Eyes free of tears, cheeks rounded with happiness, relaxed in his presence. He secretly resents Reiner, or whatever that guy’s name is, for putting her through all the misery she’s had to suffer. 

They eat their pizza, chatting about arbitrary topics like favorite toppings, best local restaurants around the town, even a silly bet about who will beat who in a race. The upbeat melody of the Mario Kart intro still playing in the background is no longer annoying now that Eren has company. 

One box only halfway finished, they wipe their hands clean of pizza grease to start the game, picking their favorite characters. Eren always opts for Yoshi, because of course he’s got to get the green dinosaur. She selects Toad, going on about how adorable she finds him, doing a decent impersonation of his high-pitched, bouncy voice, causing Eren to bust out laughing. They race, moving their bodies along with their controllers, bumping elbows and shoulders with bright smiles on their faces. She nudges him in the ribs when he tosses a red shell at her, knocking her off the course to take first place. He taps her knee with his when he slips on a banana peel she strategically lays out for him. It’s competitive, but not serious, both of them gloating and teasing one another at their victories. After going through most of the courses, they play battle mode, teaming up together to destroy CPUs on the most difficult levels. 

After exhausting most of the game to their heart’s contents, Eren checks his phone, shocked that it’s already past 11 o’clock. He glances at her, checking if she’s ready to leave once they shut down the game. She remains beside him, her attention focused on the piano in the corner of the room. Pointing at it, she asks, “We have a piano in here?”, clearly never noticing it before.

He chuckles. “Yeah we do. Do you play?”

She shakes her head, standing up to approach it, sitting on one side of the bench. He follows her, taking his place next to her. It’s only now that he realizes how close they’ve been all night. His heart starts to beat faster for some reason. 

Finger at a key, she presses on it, filling the room with a very out-of-tune C-note. “Do you play?” she asks.

“Not much, just the basics really. I’m better at guitar.”

“Acoustic?”

“Electric,” he answers, resting his hand on the piano, hovering his fingers over a chord.

“Electric guitar is so cool. I’d love to hear you play sometime.” It’s an innocent suggestion. But for whatever reason, Eren is shy about the idea of her being inside his room, watching him play his guitar. And for a split second, he imagines what other activities they can do with each other, in the privacy of his bedroom. He catches himself, mentally waving away the potentially inappropriate thoughts. 

Desperate to change the subject, he suggests, “Want me to teach you something?”

She nods, eager to learn. He starts his thumb on a C-note. “This is a C-major scale. It starts here,” he presses down, wincing at how out of tune it is. “And then you follow through with the rest of your fingers. That’s a very basic scale, without complicating it too much.”

She does it easily, smiling at the keys in front of her. “Now can you teach me Moonlight Sonata?” she jokes. 

He laughs. “How about Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star instead?”

“Fine,” she says, fake pouting. She’s really cute.

By midnight, she’s perfected the lullaby, enough for the two of them to sing along to it. Even with the notes out of tune, it’s still pleasant to listen to. He then shows her how to play the easiest version of Heart & Soul, a fun duet they manage to practice together within the hour. She’s a quick learner, which he appreciates. After their performance, she looks at him, smiling. “You’re a really good teacher.” 

He brushes his fingers along the keys. “That was my dream job growing up. I always wanted to be a teacher.”

“A music teacher?”

“No, an elementary school science teacher,” he admits. “Thought it’d be so cool to blow their minds with little experiments or facts about the living things.” He stares distantly, a longing grin on his face, fantasizing an imaginary world where he’s pursuing a career he enjoys. 

“So, what made you want to become a doctor instead?” 

At this point, he’s speaking candidly, no longer worried about hiding the truth. He’s comfortable with her. “My dad. He’s a doctor, and it’s pretty much expected of me.”

“Are you enjoying it so far?”

“No, but at the end of the day, I’ll be helping people. And that’s what matters right?” 

There’s a small pause in the conversation as she pushes on one of the keys, the note ringing out in the temporary quiet. “Teachers help people too. More than what society gives them credit for. And besides, no one wants to go to a doctor who isn’t happy being a doctor, right?”

He faces her, processing her statement. “I guess I never thought about that.”

She continues, drumming her fingers lightly on the piano. “You shouldn’t force yourself to do something you don’t want to. If there’s anything I’ve learned these past few months, it’s that forcing yourself to be happy doesn’t actually make you happy. It’s silly to say that out loud, like it’s so obvious. But I’ve made a lot of excuses, pretending I was fine with decisions made on my behalf without my feelings being considered. It was always easier to go along with it, avoid confrontation or an argument. But at what cost? Sacrificing my own happiness? It isn’t worth it, especially when it’s your life that you’re living, nobody else’s.”

This is about her ex. There’s a strong urge to ask her about it, offer a lending ear to listen to what else is on her mind. But he doesn’t question it further. The words she speaks to him resonate. Although they’re both going through different struggles in their lives, she understands him better than he expects her to. Maybe more than anyone in his circle of friends right now. 

“I have a friend who’s an education major. Erwin Smith. His dad is also a teacher. I can give you his contact info if you want to talk to him?” she offers.

“I don’t know,” he responds hesitantly. He’s never considered changing his major. He can already picture the faces his father makes, disdainful and disappointment at his son “downgrading” his career. 

“It doesn’t hurt to have it, right? Just in case?” 

He thinks about it carefully before he eventually relents, whipping his phone out to type out the information she recites to him. She’s right; it doesn’t hurt to have it. It doesn’t mean anything. 

Phone still in his hand, he abruptly blurts out, “We should exchange numbers.” Almost instantly, he regrets it, aware at how inappropriate that would be. But when she grins at him, nodding, he’s immediately relieved. 

“I’m assuming this will be your personal number and not your RA emergency line?” she smirks.

Laughing, he confirms, “Yes, my personal number. I, um, enjoyed hanging out with you tonight. We should definitely do this again.” He passes her his phone as she does the same. 

“You’re teaching me Moonlight Sonata next, remember?” she jokes, tapping her number into his screen.

“Yeah, of course.”

She slips her phone back into her pocket. “Also, if you ever need someone to talk to or listen to you, I’m just down the hall.”

“Hey, that’s supposed to be my line,” he teases, nudging her elbow with his. 

“Well, you’ve helped me out way more than you know, so I want to do the same for you. Rely on me, okay? We’re friends now.”

Outside the room, students begin to stumble through the hall, back from their night of partying. Eren checks his phone, surprised to read 1:35 AM on the screen. “It’s already past 1. I’m sorry for keeping you up.”

“Don’t be. I wanted to be here with you. Thank you for hosting this.”

“Thank you for being the only person to show up.” 

They gaze at each other, smiling. He wants to stay like this a little while longer, but he knows it has to end. At least, for tonight. They’re friends now, and he’ll be able to enjoy that warm, vibrant smile more often, he hopes. 

“Anyways, we should probably sleep soon,” she suggests, glancing at the pizza boxes on the table. “I’ll help you clean up.”

“Thanks. Maybe we can hand some of these out. I bet someone out there has the munchies right now.”

She giggles. “Great idea, Mr. RA.”

They tidy up, clearing the room of trash and putting away the video game console back in Eren’s knapsack. She carries it with her while Eren balances the pizzas in his hands, offering a box to the passing residents that are not-so-discreetly drunk. By the time they make it to his room, he’s only got one left, deeming the event an overall success. Especially now that he’s made a friend from it. 

She sets the bag down on the floor, watching him unlock the door. “I guess this is goodnight,” she says, giving him a small wave as she begins to step backwards down the hall, facing him.

“Yeah. I guess it is. Sweet dreams, okay?”

“Sweet dreams, Eren,” she repeats, turning on her heel to walk to her room. 

~~~

You lay in bed, listening to Annie’s drunken snores beside you, mind focused on your new friend Eren. Snuggling closer to your pillow, you smile to yourself, happy for the first time in what feels like forever. It’s the most fun you’ve had this semester, and most importantly, it’s the longest you’ve gone without sulking about Reiner. 

It’s in this moment that you realize the baby steps you’ve taken so far don’t seem so small anymore. Things are finally starting to look up. 

Taglist:

@batafuraikisu @bloompompom @monirei @filunara @katestrophes @ichinosejager13 @hoperenae @zellskz @e-ayyy @liliorsstuff-blog @maliakealoha @holdmeclosebutdontloveme @chrollohearttags @sailorputa @squickkk @dnyllmh @hellomeow12 @s-cream-ing @potofstewie @conniesbbymama @erzascarlett28 @lem-hhn @roronoazorosbxtchh @ichigostrawberry15 @rhaelrence @lilshades @bigmoodyjoody @icansmellsouls @aangsupremacy @ashsauroras @bakuhoes-bxtch @mrs-wolfwood @si-kamo @jmtherula @imaddicted-b @monkemanjeager @neesiewrote @large-juice @chiinni @belovedackerman

[kyusjin]

𝖢𝖠𝖫𝖢𝖴𝖫𝖠𝖳𝖨𝖭𝖦 𝖫𝖮𝖵𝖤 － 𝟣𝟢

・❥・𝖯𝖱𝖮𝖡𝖫𝖤𝖬 #𝟣𝟢：𝖽𝗋𝗎𝗇𝗄 𝖽𝖺𝗓𝖾𝖽 （𝟣.𝟫𝗄）

𝖯𝖠𝖨𝖱𝖨𝖭𝖦𝖲：𝗒𝖺𝗇𝗀 𝗃𝗎𝗇𝗀𝗐𝗈𝗇 𝗑 𝖿!𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽𝖾𝗋

𝖺𝖿𝗍𝖾𝗋 𝖺 𝖿𝖺𝗂𝗅𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗆𝖺𝗍𝗁 𝗀𝗋𝖺𝖽𝖾 𝖺𝗅𝗆𝗈𝗌𝗍𝗌 𝖼𝗈𝗌𝗍𝗌 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗉𝗈𝗌𝗂𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝖺𝗌 𝗁𝖾𝖺𝖽 𝖼𝖺𝗉𝗍𝖺𝗂𝗇 𝗈𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖽𝖾𝖼𝖾𝗅𝗂𝗌 𝗁𝗂𝗀𝗁 𝖽𝖺𝗇𝖼𝖾 𝗍𝖾𝖺𝗆，𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗍𝗋𝗎𝗌𝗍𝗒 𝗀𝗎𝗂𝖽𝖺𝗇𝖼𝖾 𝖼𝗈𝗎𝗇𝗌𝖾𝗅𝗈𝗋 𝖾𝗇𝗅𝗂𝗌𝗍𝗌 𝖼𝗅𝖺𝗌𝗌 𝗉𝗋𝖾𝗌𝗂𝖽𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗋 𝖺𝗍𝗁𝗅𝖾𝗍𝖾 𝗒𝖺𝗇𝗀 𝗃𝗎𝗇𝗀𝗐𝗈𝗇 𝖺𝗌 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗍𝗎𝗍𝗈𝗋．𝖻𝗎𝗍 𝗐𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗁𝖺𝗉𝗉𝖾𝗇𝗌 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗋𝖾𝗅𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇𝗌𝗁𝗂𝗉 𝖻𝖾𝖼𝗈𝗆𝖾𝗌 𝗆𝗈𝗋𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗇 𝖺 𝗍𝗎𝗍𝗈𝗋 ＆ 𝖺 𝖿𝖺𝗂𝗅𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗆𝖺𝗍𝗁 𝗌𝗍𝗎𝖽𝖾𝗇𝗍？

𝖶𝖠𝖱𝖭𝖨𝖭𝖦𝖲：𝗅𝗈𝗐𝖾𝗋𝖼𝖺𝗌𝖾 𝗂𝗇𝗍𝖾𝗇𝖽𝖾𝖽，𝗎𝗇𝖽𝖾𝗋𝖺𝗀𝖾 𝖽𝗋𝗂𝗇𝗄𝗂𝗇𝗀／𝗉𝖺𝗋𝗍𝗒𝗂𝗇𝗀，𝖺𝗅𝖼𝗈𝗁𝗈𝗅 𝗆𝖾𝗇𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇𝖾𝖽， 𝗄𝗂𝗌𝗌𝗂𝗇𝗀 （𝗌𝗅𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍𝗅𝗒 𝗌𝗎𝗀𝗀𝖾𝗌𝗍𝗂𝗏𝖾 𝗂𝖽𝗋𝗄），𝖼𝗎𝗋𝗌𝗂𝗇𝗀

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

friday, october 13th

your feet ached as you and your friends approached yeonjuns house. even from the outside you could hear the loud music blasting. “it’s a shock they haven’t had a noise complaint yet” yunjin joked. you all laughed at the comment before entering the house. your senses were immediately overwhelmed by the smell of alcohol and strobe lights obstructing your vision past the foyer. your friend group starts parting ways while you and soobin venture into what you’re hoping is the kitchen. “it’s not as crowded as i expected it to be” soobin states as he starts raiding the fridge in search of beer while your busy grabbing different liquor bottles scattered on the counter and pouring them into yours and soobin cups. you both climb onto the counter and start chatting about recent events and rumors spreading around your school before a loud voice interrupts your conversation, “i’m shocked you actually came” you both turn and see no other than the “weirdo” (soobins words) who invited you and your friends in the first place, park sunghoon standing in the doorway. you smile back before answering, “did you not want me to?” he laughs at your answer while walking towards the fridge. soobin notices one of your mutual friends, kai, out in the hallway. “im going to go talk with kai, text me if you need anything, don’t be stupid.” he whispers the last part before side eyeing sunghoon, who is still searching the fridge for a drink. you jokingly push him off the counter before saying, “i would never” in a joking tone. he laughs as he walks out of the room, leaving you and sunghoon alone in the kitchen.

you don’t notice sunghoon hop up onto the counter next you, leaving a considerate amount of space between you two, before finally answering your question from moments before, “it’s not that i didn’t want you to come, but i just didn’t think bribing you with an invite would work” you give him a confused look, “what do you mean bribing me with an invite” he takes a long sip from the drink in his hand, “i didn’t know any other way of getting you to come here, you don’t seem like much of a party goer” he admits. “don’t get me wrong parties are fun, but it’s not my first choice on how i want to spend my friday night. i’d much prefer to stay home, but my friends insist on me joining so it’s inevitable i end up at them.” you confess to sunghoon. he lets out a light chuckle before saying, “god, you and jungwon really are alike. i see why he likes you” you freeze, face increasingly growing red. jungwon likes you? there is no way, you guys barely know each other besides your conversations over text and your tutoring sessions. sure it seems like you guys spend time together, but not enough to develop feelings (in your opinion). sunghoon notices your confusion, “well i think he likes you, and i see why now that’s all” “sunghoon that does not clear up any of my confusion right now” he laughs at your freak out before continuing, “okok im sorry! it’s just a theory our friend group has, and we were hoping for your help to figure out if were right.”

‘what the hell is he even talking about’ you think to yourself. “you’re insane, sunghoon” you conclude before hopping off the counter, about to text soobin to save you from this lunatic. you could already predict what he would text back, ‘i told you he was a weirdo’. sunghoon follows your lead, jumping off the counter and following you, “yn wait” he says as he grabs your arm and turns you to face him. he brings his face to your ear, whispering “can i tell you a secret?” you heart jumps up to your throat, becoming flustered by the proximity. you nod your head in response as he confesses, “i’m sorry if i confused you in any way these past two days, but i’m not into you romantically at least.” you let out a sigh of relief that you didn’t know you were holding in, “thank god you had me scared for a moment” you smile up at him. sunghoon playfully swats your arm, “yah, am i not good enough for you or something” he says with a mock offended look on his face. you laugh at his attempt at a pout, “no you’re just too weird for me” you joke, walking towards the fridge to grab a drink, sunghoon chasing you. you both continue to argue back and forth before the realization hits you, jungwon supposedly ‘likes you’.

“sunghoon what did you mean you wanted my help in finding out if jungwon likes me” you question the boy next to you. sunghoon explains, “we had a plan to make jungwon jealous which in the end would make him sort of admit that he likes you” you nod your head slowly, trying to process this crazy plan he has, “and the reason i wanted you to come tonight was so we could finally make him so mad he admits he likes you” he giggles at the end of his explanation, clearly proud of this whole ‘master plan’ he has. now he has you interested. “what am i supposed to do in this plan?” you ask. sunghoon grins, “pretend to flirt with me in front of jungwon and watch the magic unfold”

and that’s how you ended up in the living room of yeonjuns house, sitting on sunghoons knee shamelessly flirting with each other trying not to burst out laughing at the corny phrases being said between the two of you. across you room you can barely notice jungwon hiding in the corner, glaring at the two of you. jay approaches the clearly zoned out boy, tapping him on the shoulder to get his attention. jungwon glances at jay before turning his attention back to you and sunghoon. “i really thought he was joking” jay finally says, trying to yell over the speakers in the living room. “he is, he has to be.” jungwon says. jay hands him a cup, with what jungwon assumes contains a larger amount of alcohol than he had planned to consume tonight, “i feel like you’re going to need this if your going to stand here and stare at them all night” jungwon sighs, “i just feel like it’s shitty of him to be playing with her feelings just to make me mad” jays eyes widen in shock at jungwon admitting this was making him mad, he has to give sunghoon some credit because his plan seemed to be working. “how do you know he’s doing it just to make you mad” jay asks, “what if he really does like her” jungwon turns his attention fully to jay now, “they barely know each other enough to be that comfortable with each other” jungwon says as he gestures towards the both of you “they’re practically cuddling with each other.”jay just laughs at his friends stupidity, “at this point just admit you like her or move on because you can’t be getting jealous over someone you aren’t even dating” jay gives him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder as he walks towards a group of boys by the back door.

jungwon knows jay is right, he has no right to be upset about you and sunghoon, whatever you guys are. but he can’t stop the weird feeling in his stomach every time he sees you with sunghoon. he takes a long sip of the drink jay gave him, a sour expression covers his whole face as the lukewarm liquid glides down his throat. “asshole couldn’t even put ice in my drink” jungwon mutters under his breath. “damn who’s on your shitlist now” jungwon hears a voice he automatically recognizes as yours. he turns to you, giving you a smile, “jay didn’t put any ice in my drink so now i have issues with him” jungwon responds in a joking tone. you smile brightly at him before grabbing the cup from his grasp, “i’ll make you a new one” you say as you grab his hand and bring him with you to the kitchen, still as empty as it was when you first came in. you let go of his hand as you sort through the assortment of drink options left on the table. jungwon hops onto the counter, yearning to be holding your hand again as he watches you grab a cup for yourself as well and start making a drink for the both of you. “don’t make it too strong, i’m not much of a drinker” jungwon states, you hum in acknowledgment before adding on, “me too, i don’t think i can drink anymore or i’ll be too drunk to walk” jungwon laughs at the comment. he notices that his mood automatically improves when he’s with you, something he’s never noticed before. he also notices that he wants to be around you, all the time. before you had shown up next to him, he was bored. but now just being in your presence filled him with a giddy feeling he could get use to feeling more often. jungwon tries to push these thoughts to the back of his mind, distracting himself by watching you intently as you pour the strong smelling liquid into his cup. you hand him the drink and jump onto the counter to sit next to him. a comfortable silence hangs between you two before jungwon finally asks what he has been wanting to ask since you walked over to him, “so what’s going on between you and sunghoon?”

you almost spit out your drink at the sudden question. you feel jungwons eyes bore into your side profile, waiting for your answer. you don’t know how to respond, do you tell him the truth or do you continue to test his patience? “it doesn’t really matter what we are, jungwon” you finally responded. you heart rate increased as jungwon came closer to you, “i couldn’t hear you, can you repeat that?” he whispers in your ear teasingly. he knows what you’re trying to do, and it’s not going to work on him. you clear your throat before restating, “i said, it doesn’t really matter what we are. does it?” you make eye contact with jungwon, he smirks as he says, “it matters to me” your face changes to a look of shock, you honestly don’t know how to respond to him. “why does it matter to you what’s going on between me and sunghoon” you say, this time in a harsher tone. now it was jungwons turn to be shocked, because he didn’t know why it mattered so much to him. the tension hung in between you two in the empty kitchen, occupying all the free space making it unbearable. jungwon didn’t know if he maybe went over his set drinking limit but the only thing he could focus on was your face and more specifically, your lips. he raised his hand to your face, caressing your cheek. he could feel you face heat up 100x more. “is this okay” he asks, you nod in response. you didn’t trust your voice to hide how nervous he made you. jungwon starts to lean in, and you freeze. your mind is in a daze as your lips connect with his. you instinctively wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him closer to you. you both pull away to catch your breaths, before he immediately goes back in, kissing you with so much more fervor than the kiss before. time seems to go by so slow, and you’re pretty sure your too drunk to register what’s happening. all that is running through your brain is that you are kissing jungwon, you like it, and you might like him.

“yn?” you pull away from jungwons lips as you hear jake’s voice in the hallway. jake walks into the kitchen completely oblivious to what had been happening moments before. “oh hi jungwon” jake says sweetly to the boy, still dazed and completely out of it, only thing on his mind is the kiss you had just shared.“yn we’re about to leave, do you still need a ride home?” jake asks, you nod your head before awkwardly waving to jungwon and stumbling out of the kitchen, jake following closely behind after waving bye.

jungwon gets home, what had happened in the kitchen still occupying his mind. the lingering feeling of your lips on his driving him insane. he didn’t know what to do, you had just practically run out of there, desperate to get away from him. his worst fear was that you thought of it as a mistake, and that impulsive decision he made ruined any type of friendship you had before that night. he didn’t know what else to do but call jay, the only person who could help him through his dilemma.

𝗉𝗋𝖾𝗏 － 𝗆𝖺𝗌𝗍𝖾𝗋𝗅𝗂𝗌𝗍 － 𝗇𝖾𝗑𝗍 ⇨

𝖠𝖴𝖳𝖧𝖮𝖱𝖲 𝖭𝖮𝖳𝖤：𝗂𝗍𝗌 𝖿𝗂𝗇𝖺𝗅𝗅𝗒 𝖽𝗈𝗇𝖾 𝖺𝖺𝖺𝖺！𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗇𝗄 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗌𝗈 𝗆𝗎𝖼𝗁 𝖿𝗈𝗋 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗉𝖺𝗍𝗂𝖾𝗇𝖼𝖾 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝖼𝗁𝖺𝗉𝗍𝖾𝗋，𝗂 𝗄𝖾𝗉𝗍 𝗋𝖾𝗐𝗋𝗂𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗂𝗍 𝖻𝖼 𝗂 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝗎𝗇𝗁𝖺𝗉𝗉𝗒 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁 𝗁𝗈𝗐 𝗂 𝗐𝗋𝗈𝗍𝖾 𝗂𝗍．𝗂𝗆 𝗌𝗍𝗂𝗅𝗅 𝖺 𝗅𝗂𝗍𝗍𝗅𝖾 𝖽𝗂𝗌𝗌𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗌𝖿𝗂𝖾𝖽 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝖿𝗂𝗇𝖺𝗅 𝗈𝗎𝗍𝖼𝗈𝗆𝖾 𝗍𝖻𝗁 𝗂 𝗃𝗎𝗌𝗍 𝖼𝗈𝗎𝗅𝖽𝗇𝗍 𝗐𝖺𝗂𝗍 𝖺𝗇𝗒 𝗅𝗈𝗇𝗀𝖾𝗋 𝗍𝗈 𝗉𝗈𝗌𝗍． 𝖠𝖫𝖲𝖮 𝖲𝖮𝖱𝖱𝖸 𝖠𝖡𝖳 𝖧𝖮𝖶 𝖢𝖱𝖠𝖯𝖯𝖸 𝖳𝖧𝖤 𝖪𝖨𝖲𝖲 𝖨𝖲 𝖨 𝖧𝖠𝖣 𝖲𝖴𝖢𝖧 𝖡𝖠𝖣 𝖶𝖱𝖨𝖳𝖤𝖱𝖲 𝖡𝖫𝖮𝖢𝖪💔💔 𝖺𝗇𝗒𝗐𝖺𝗒𝗌 𝗁𝗈𝗉𝖾 𝗎 𝖾𝗇𝗃𝗈𝗒𝖾𝖽！𝖺𝗅𝗌𝗈 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝗂 𝗌𝗅𝗂𝖼𝗄 𝗐 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗍𝗂𝗍𝗅𝖾 𝗁𝖾𝗁𝗁𝖾𝗁

𝖳𝖠𝖦𝖫𝖨𝖲𝖳：！𝗅𝗈𝗈𝗄 𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 ！ @jwonistic @jiamini @imsiriuslyreal @yajw @fertiliezedtoesw @enhypeniara @hyuzaa @mysungiie @uuzhanggggggg @thomawifey @vixialuvs @boowoowho @haechansbbg

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

©𝖪𝖸𝖴𝖲𝖩𝖨𝖭 𝟤𝟢𝟤𝟦 𝗉𝗅𝖾𝖺𝗌𝖾 𝖽𝗈 𝗇𝗈𝗍 𝖼𝗈𝗉𝗒！！

[autisticlancemcclain]

fic rec friday 1

welcome the the first fic rec friday! where, on friday, i rec five of my favourite fics.

1. Blast Zone by @mareepicurean

In the middle of a mission, a bomb going off leaves Lance unable to hear. Still, while he's deaf, the rest of his team are the ones that won't listen.

This is one of my voltron fics ever. I’ve read it regularly since it came out in 2017, and it was one of the big inspirations of my deaf lance fic. The fic does a really good job of team hurt/comfort and Lance’s insecurities without making the team weirdly evil. An awesome fic that I highly recommend. (Also, there’s some excellent Shiro & Lance!)

2. Perishing Pearls by @ohcontrary

A training session with the team goes awry when Lance has to spar against Allura, who's wielding her new whip. The mere sight of it raises ghosts he'd much rather forget.

This one is also heavy on the angst, although fair warning: it mentions past child abuse, so tread carefully. The fic is handles complicated family dynamics and grief really well. It is a great established klance hurt/comfort fic. 

3. How To Train Your Galra by magisterpavus [EXPLICIT]

“Shiro, I fucked up,” Keith blurted, wringing his hands.

Shiro paused mid-punch, shooting him a quizzical look. “What? What happened?”

“I think,” Keith whispered, “I think I accidentally roofied Lance. With my dick.”

This series is the walking proof that 2016 fics hit different. Should 14 year old me have been reading it? Probably not. It’s hugely NSFW, so definitely proceed with caution, but it’s a banger and has a lot of good banter, team as family, enemies to lovers, exes to lovers, and more. Honestly a lot of fun and a lot of face-palming, just remember to heed the tags.

4. If It Ain’t Broke by @overlymetaromantic

A 5 plus 1: Five times Lance takes a hit for the team, and one time the team takes a hit back.

There’s this specific scene in this fic (it’s a bit of a spoiler) where Lance is getting shit from a worried team, who’s upset about him continually putting himself at risk, someone asks “Even if it means putting yourself at risk?” and Lance doesn’t even hesitate before saying “Yes!” It’s such an easy description of Lance’s character that it makes me emotional every time. 

5. Medic Lance by Fullmetal_Bitch

Multi-chap ft. my headcannon that Lance is the team's unofficial medic. Basically, it's a 5 + 1 of Lance helping the others when they're hurt and them helping him, just with a couple extra chapters. Story is so much better than this summary, I swear.Story is complete but the chapters did get revised so let me know whether you reckon it reads smoother now!

Medic Lance my beloved, truly. I feel like it fits him so well, especially as the Blue Paladin. This also has really good BAMF Lance, and Lance interacting with all the lions! Amazing, longer story. 

that’s it for today!! i’ll see y’all back next friday for the next fic rec post!!!

[future-journalist-adventures]

Inside my Head - A Collection of Short Stories

"Silent"

experience or daydream: experience

characters: me, "my friend" (🌘), classmates, substitute teacher

setting: mid-April; Friday afternoon; high school

content warnings: queerphobia

Vibrant colors danced through the hallway as a content smile spread across my face. The bassline of the upbeat music I blasted through my headphones vibrated in every inch of my body as I absentmindedly walked to the beat; the muffled sounds of other kids talking and laughing could be heard beneath the sound of the music. I watched as my friend and I walked in sync, resisting the urge to comment on it. I glanced over at the large black pin my friend was sporting, with the LGBTQ+ flag in the middle and the words “Silence is Loud” printed across it, before carefully adjusting my own matching pin. He flashed me a small smile, which I returned almost instinctively as we walked side-by-side into our biology classroom.

I turned off my music, taking my headphones off of my head and setting them down on my neck. My friend and I began to cross the room to put our things down at our seats, only to find something that would wipe the smiles right off of both of our faces. 

My heart seemed to stop for a moment. My stomach dropped, and the content feeling I once possessed had somehow vanished. I gaped breathlessly, watching as my classmates passed around a crumpled flyer with the same design as our pins, laughing at and mocking it. 

One of them glanced at my friend and I’s pins, going quiet for a moment before scoffing and smirking, holding out the flyer for both of us to see.

“So-” he began, still laughing, “are you guys really not allowed to talk?”

My friend and I exchanged nervous glances before slipping past them wordlessly.

My attempts to calm myself down, and to hide how much I was shaking now, were quickly failing. I shot the substitute teacher a desperate glance only to find that she hadn’t looked up from her desk at all. Sitting down at my desk, I replayed the scene in my head and watched as the kids continued their insensitive mockery.

As I finally began to calm myself down, I heard the sound of something hitting the floor, followed by an eruption of laughter. My head snapped up to see the flyer, now completely rolled into a ball, laying on the floor next to my friend’s desk. They quickly snatched it from the ground and stuffed it in their bag. Their head was turned away from me so I couldn’t see his face, but somehow I felt I knew exactly what they were thinking.

40 minutes later, the last bell of the day rang, signaling the end of our day of silence. But as I walked with my friend out of the room, across the hall, and up the stairs, we stayed silent: not because we had to, but because there was nothing left to say.

[astoundingbeyondbelief]

Kaiju Week in Review (June 11-17, 2023)

Tsuburaya Productions released a five-minute trailer for Ultraman Blazar, focused on the human cast. Between this and the unveiling of a bunch of the monsters (a combination of originals and some deep cuts), it continues to look extremely promising.

Toho launched a Twitter account for their next Godzilla film on June 12. It's been counting down all the "core" (live-action and Toho-produced) entries in the series at the rate of one per day, starting with Shin Godzilla. Presumably, they'll reveal the poster, title, and maybe more for the new one at the end (so July 11). The way they're doing this also lends credibility to the rumored Godzilla Zero title.

Hoshi 35, Megumi Odaka's triumphant return to movies, released a trailer, poster, and a bunch of stills (gathered on Wikizilla). Alas, no shots of the daikaiju in the trailer, just the baby.

Bandai's finally going to be producing Ultraman toys for the U.S., with the first wave focused on the animated Netflix movie due next year.

For those of you headed to G-Fest next month, the full schedule is out, and they finally announced the Friday and Saturday movies at the Pickwick: Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla and Godzilla (2014), respectively. King Kong Escapes will also replace Shin Ultraman on Thursday. Dunno if I'll go to GXMG (I just rewatched it before the Tokyo SOS Fathom Event), but I'm lunging at the chance to see G14 properly-lit and with booming sound. They showed it in 2017 too and it was a blast. For the hotel's film festival, the big title of interest is Yuzo the Biggest Battle in Tokyo, a Yoshikazu Ishii joint set during the pandemic. And if you haven't caught Iké Boys yet, that's playing twice (very much before the audience it was intended for).

Also, go to my friend Alana's panel about designing kaiju gijinkas for cosplay (Saturday at 1). If you've been to either of the past two cons, you probably remember her Mothra costumes, and we're both working on a bunch more for this year.

Oh yeah, and there's a third North American kaiju con, Super G, starting up in the fall... well, sort of. It might be better termed a convention within a convention (Northern National Collectors’ Convention). September 29-October 1 in Windsor, Canada, right on the Michigan border. Not many specifics yet, but the press release says, "Super G will offer fans a variety of guest celebrities and artists, direct from Japan and around the world, who worked on Kaiju franchises making either their first-ever or first-Canadian convention appearances. Inclusion opportunities feature program panels, contests, experiences, theatrical showings, collectables, cosplay, and more."

I haven't been keeping up with Godziban's multi-episode collaboration with Televi-Kun—seems like pretty routine stuff—but then they had to pay homage to Sharknado in the newest installment. I knew, of course, that this day would eventually come. Now which one of you said sharknadoes weren't kaiju back when I was unhealthily obsessed with that series?

[thebreadvansstuff]

OMG ANOTHER ROUND!!!!

Please do "Fuck where did that leg come from?!"

This is kinda crack-y, but I hope you'll enjoy it!

"They've been doing it for an hour!"

Harry doesn't dare to blink as he blindly reaches for the bowl of popcorn on Louis' lap.

"I know!" Louis exclaims around a mouthful of popcorn, crunching noises interrupting the constant flow of sex noises coming from across the window.

"How can he still be hard?" Harry asks in disbelief. He watches with widened eyes as his very hung and very hard neighbour fucks into his partner, whose mouth is hung open, letting out the most obscene of muffled moans.

Their windows are close enough that Harry and Louis have an unobstructed view of the couple, who haven't taken a single break in the past fifty-four minutes.

Louis exhales, shaking his head in Harry's peripheral vision. "Man, I don't know. You can tell the bottom isn't faking it either. Wow."

Harry nods, watching with rapt fascination as the couple change positions, with the top now turning his back to the window, and the bottom arranged in an impossible position in front of him.

"Fuck, where did that leg come from?" Louis exclaims, pointing to the bottom's leg absurdly curled around the top's shoulder.

Harry groans. "I don't know, but I'm so jealous right now."

The tops thrusts mercilessly into his partner, flexing the muscles of his shapely butt and muscular thighs.

Harry and Louis have been hypnotized by them, not looking away once since the foreplay started.

Louis is the first one to break the trance. "You realize we're watching porn. On a Friday night," he deadpans.

Harry groans as he tears his eyes away, dragging his hands down his face. "You're right!"

Harry stands up, needs to physically turn away from the sight lest he get carried away again. "We're twenty-two, Louis! And single! We should be having sex right now!" he ends the sentence with a mournful whimper.

Louis stands up, too, pulls the curtain shut and faces Harry again. "I know..." he trails off. He clears his throat and scrunches his nose before speaking again. "You really liked that, huh."

It's not a question, but an observation, and Harry follows his line of sight, and lands on his own tented sweatpants.

"Jesus," he exclaims, cupping himself as a reflex. "Sorry," he blurts out, whole face heating up.

"Oh please," Louis scoffs, looking down to his own bulge, and Harry instinctively does so, as well.

Hell, Louis is hung.

Harry quickly averts his gaze, his arousal growing to a point of no return.

"I don't get why they have to give us a show every time," Louis says, as if they haven't just acknowledged their hard-ons. "Not that I'm complaining. My right hand is tired though."

Harry knows that Louis is mostly joking, but in his confusing state of arousal, the mental image pops up like a blast of colours behind his eyelids.

Shit, he's dripping in his boxers.

"I uhm..." Harry stammers, racking his brain for a continuation of the sentence, something that will get him out of the living room, and into the privacy of his own bedroom, where he can jerk himself off, preferably with that mental image of his roommate getting off at the same time.

"You know what I really want?" Louis interrupts, eyebrows raised and lips pursed in thought. "I want to give them a show. Then we can see who's better."

He crosses his arms against his chest, as if he's stated the most significant plan of all time.

And Harry's brain stops functioning for a moment, words leaving his mouth without second thought. "I'm down."

Louis quirks an eyebrow at him. "Really? You could go that long without a break?" His tone is challenging, eyes mischievous.

"I can," he confirms, chest puffing at the same time as his cock twitches in his pants.

"Challenge accepted."

Send me a line, and I'll write a snippet! - NSFW edition!

[puppygirlsounding]

Big crazy day journal post time

So, woke up this morning for work.

Gotcha! That's already a lie, I woke up well before my alarm because I've been having chronic sleep issues. I have a history of sleep apnea and insomnia, but lately I've had a whole new issue. To put it simply, once I've been woken up I can't get back to sleep. Doesn't matter if it's just to go to the bathroom, or a loud sound. This has been an ongoing problem for weeks, and I knew by the time my alarm went off I would not make it through today ok. So I took DECISIVE ACTION and called out from work. If you're reading this and don't know me that well, yes that is DECISIVE for me. Immediately knew I had to arrange a doctor's appointment to get a note, but once I had set out to do it I realized this something I should have been more prescient about in the first place, with my appointment to get my HRT dosage upped this Friday especially. So I got my exhausted boans out of bed, set up with a local urgent care, and had a nice morning talk with my beautiful girlfriend ^w^

It took me a bit longer to get going than I would like to admit, but once I finally got myself going I felt determined. Like I was about to take on something big, how ironic. I get dressed, order an Uber and head on out. The ride was nothing significant. made me very glad that even though I skipped breakfast, I still took my allergy meds. My city is getting ass blasted by a dust storm atm.

Get to the clinic, immediately realize how different it is. I thought I was heading to an urgent care, I had actually went to an ER. Apparently they do operate as standalone setups outside of hospitals. This turned out to probably be for the best.

I immediately get seen by a doctor and two nurses, the place is dead empty somehow even though it's one of maybe 3 Urgent care/ER's open on Sunday here. I start to get nervous progressively as I get brought in, until finally I get the question. So I'm dreading it, but of course with my health in mind I bring up my HRT when I'm asked about my medication. This is when my anxiety kicks into gear. The doctors don't do anything that makes me feel so, it's just my default state because of the conservative state I live in.

All things considered I said it with very little hesitation and continued on the screening. The doctor seeing me joined us by this point. After going over my symptoms, the sleep loss, chronic gut pains, etc. he immediately decided to put me on a I.V.

This quite stunned me, and for all intents and purposes this is the turning point of our story.

It clicked with me in this moment, I called out of work thinking I was doing it for my health. Yet up until right then I was only there to get a note. I thought I was playing this up to make sure I had an excuse to skip. Only after listing all of my very real symptoms, and seeing the look of concern on these men's faces did it hit me.

I had been ignoring my own health to get by for weeks.

So while still processing this, they guided me to the bed, briefed me on what they were going to give me and prepped the IV. I could immediately tell this doctor was good, he tried to reassure me by saying it was mostly because I seemed dehydrated. I knew what he really meant, he saw straight through me and all the friendliness to how haggard I really was. The nurse began the IV and I warned them I was going to look away because of my past with needles. The doctor held my hands to calm me.

After setting everything up, the two men left to get me a cocktail of at least three meds. Even though it was for such a short time they were gone, it was enough. All of this hit me, I looked down at my feet in the hospital bed, inspected the new hole in my arm. I ended up here thinking I was just subduing my anxiety by getting a stupid work note. I had actually needed medical attention and was too busy surviving to stop and realize.

So whether through sheer coincidence or subconscious push I was here. All of the gravity of the sleep deprivation, stomach problems and chronic pain hit me at once. I started crying so much I hid my face in my hat. I only barely got to start by the time my nurse came back with the IV bag. Being able to tell how upset I was, and knowing I would be on the IV for a while; he very clinically, yet kindly assured me. Explained the meds, got me tissues, even a drink. As swiftly as he arrived, he left. Closing the door to the room, killed the lights and drew the curtain for me.

Knowing what this man, who seemed wholly uninterested initially interpreted, it all hit me.

I began sobbing

Tears streaming down my face

Deeply saddened by how I had let myself get like this. Maybe my level of shame here is hard to understand. I only recently feel like I have gotten true love in my life. Both platonic and romantic. I have people who care about me so deeply now. I want more than anything to see what they see in me, and at the very least take care of myself. To love them back.

Realizing I got so wrapped up in my own mental comfort blanket broke me a little. I had gone back to just surviving again.

So I spent the next hour roughly, resting, fretting over my IV, drying my tears.

I calmed down a good while before my nurse came back. He removed the IV, and the doctor came to brief me. The good news is my samples came back fine. Like the doctor easily intuited, it was all the stress. I was prescribed some anxiety meds alongside stomach meds to control the gastritis symptoms.

The doctor the whole time was unbelievably sweet, asked me for my pronouns as soon as he knew about the HRT. Kept telling me about his stepson and his experiences. I even got called young lady (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

It really helped pick me up after all the crying.

By the time I'm all put together and ready to set up my ride home the weather has worsened exponentially. It takes a while to get a ride because of the dust and wind, but I am so glad I got who I did ^w^

I ended up being picked up by a sweet guy, we went on our way to my pharmacy to get my meds and had a lovely conversation on the way. I cracked him up with some bad mu-metal jokes lol

When we get there, I tell him I'll be in and out to drop them off so we can go back to my place and finish the Uber ride. Unbeknownst to me this was not going to happen.

So in order I:

Found out my CVS no longer takes my insurance.

My HRT meds I got through them were probably also not insured and I wasn't told then

It would be a minimum of $70 I didn't have for the meds

And it would be a 45 minute wait because they didn't start prepping one

So I start to panic a little. I go back to my driver and explain the situation. I tell him I'll just have him take me home and I'll come back. Instead, he insists on waiting with me. Random guy I just met, doesn't mind an hour of his day gone. I'm floored at this point. Here begins a tedious, uninteresting back and forth. Where I run from the pharmacy counter and back to his car with updates multiple times. Eventually after they had dropped the ball so many times, and changed medicine prices on me at least twice.

This guy.

This fucking guy.

He offers to take me, off his own dollar to the pharmacy that will take my insurance. If I wasn't already this tired I would have started crying again.

So after a very awkward exchange with the CVS pharmacy rep, I cancelled my prescriptions through them and headed out

We chat the entire way to the pharmacy, It's one of the kind inside a Walmart. We hit it off just incredibly well considering I'm running off maybe 9 hours of sleep over the last 3-4 days. Enjoy our conversation the whole way. When we get out there, he even agrees to join me inside, wait for my meds with me and everything.

At this point I almost can't believe this guy is real. He straight up tells me he's writing the time spent off working as his good deed for the day. All dedicated to his grandma who raised him. Absolute fucking legend.

He makes me so comfortable I start telling him about my family. About being kicked out, and not even bothering with telling them about my transition.

He acted surprised when I told him I was trans, but he seemed to have already been cautious about gendering me, so I think he was just being nice.

We ended up spending half an hour just chatting in the kitchenware section. Talking about our lives, like we were old schoolmates or something.

Eventually I get my meds, he dotes on me the whole time. Reinforcing how obviously drained I must look. It was incredibly touching though, none of it felt forced, and made me feel seen.

We leave the store and he offers to take me to go get some food ( I had casually mentioned not eating yet today while at the pharmacy counter)

We grabbed a quick bite and headed to my apartment, still chatting the entire way. By the time we got there it felt like we were already friends. While part of it is definitely how amazingly friendly this guy is. I also feel comfortable saying it wouldn't have been anywhere near as friendly if this was the old me. Even with the shame of letting myself neglect my health still fresh, I can feel how much I've opened up. No matter how corny it sounds, people can recognize whether or not you're genuine. Be yourself.

By the time we make it back I'm starting to feel the exhaustion creep back in, but we say a very happy goodbye and exchange contact info.

So that was my day ^w^

I prolly could have shortened it down a bunch, made it more interesting to read, blablahblahblahblah...

If you made it this far and are thinking any of that, while you do have a point you are missing mine.

Today more than anything was a learning experience for me. It started with asking my girlfriend for comfort, and ended with making a new friend. Even when it seems hard. Even when you feel like a burden. Reach out. You're worth it. Whether that's directly to your loved one, or expressing your troubles openly so kind souls can lend a hand, it doesn't matter. Just learn to lean on people a little, even if you've got burned in the past like me.

Thank you if you read this far, I don't expect anybody to but my mutuals but who knows.

Special thanks and love to:

Vera, my wonderful girlfriend

Charlie, my support goblin

Cecil, because I know you'll read this

Skylar, for helping out a stranger

- Jen

[bryanharryrombough]

CanGames 2023

After a three year hiatus, our local tabletop gaming con, CanGames, returned this Victoria Day weekend; and with it, I had my first in-person tabletop gaming since before the pandemic started.  CanGames is an “all-round” tabletop gaming convention, with RPGs, wargames, board games & card games, but this year I was just there for the wargames.

I’m still dealing with the long-term effects of a health problem, and so I didn’t try to run any games this year and only signed up to play up to two games a day (in past years, I sometimes ran or played in four games in a day).  I ended up playing in four games Friday through Sunday (the final game I signed up for was cancelled due to the unfortunate illness of the game master) and things went fairly well.

Upon arrival, I chatted with some old friends I hadn’t seen in person since before covid, catching up on our lives before going out and having a look at the marketplace.  I didn’t see much there that I hadn’t seen in previous years, but I did pick up a copy of an old Usborne book that I remembered from my childhood: Galactic War.

My first game of the con was a Gaslands demo Friday evening.  Gaslands is a postapocalyptic automotive combat wargame played with converted Hot Wheels/Matchbox cars, and it was quite fun.  The rules were simple enough and the movement templates easy enough to use to simulate vehicular mayhem with gun-toting Hot Wheels cars.  The demo ended spectacularly when I rammed another car, wrecking mine and setting off my grenades, destroying the remaining cars with blast damage!

My second game was the Red Shirt Smash, a free-for-all convention scenario for Silent Death (a space fighter miniatures game from 1990) using “3-times scale” miniatures.  I used to play in Silent Death games run by the Red Shirts in the ‘90s, and it was great fun playing this old favourite again.

My third game of the con was “CanGames Sprint” a simplified version of Car Wars Classic (as opposed to the new 6th edition) played on a criss-cross racetrack.  It was enjoyable but there wasn’t a lot of shooting or interaction between cars during the game.  There was an amicable discussion afterwards with the game master about the game, and possible changes to be made for next year.

My fourth and final game was an old favourite of mine: Ogre, the game of future armoured warfare with giant cybernetic tanks!  My opponent and I played two rounds of the original scenario of a lone Ogre attacking a command post defended by a conventional force of tanks, G.E.V.s and infantry; we traded places between attacker and defender so that we could both get the chance of experiencing the very different sides of the conflict.  In the first round, I took the role of defender.  The Ogre came on strong, smashing my units while they ineffectively shot at its treads.  But after a while, I managed to slow the Ogre down and reduce its arsenal of weapons, giving me time to finally immobilize it before it could destroy my command post.  In the second game, I took the Ogre, and played it in a calculated, viscous manner.  I concentrated my fire to ensure kills, and slowed down at points to eliminate disabled enemy units before continuing my advance on the C.P.  In the end, I wiped out all of the defenders, ensuring an Ogre victory.   This game was the most fun for me this CanGames, and my opponent appeared to be having fun too, despite his losses.

Finally, as I was preparing to leave, a friend of mine had a gift for me, his copy of Heavy Gear Fighter with all of the supplements.  We were both fans of the Heavy Gear wargame when it first appeared in the mid-90s, but I had never played Heavy Gear Fighter (which was actually published the year before the Heavy Gear RPG/Tactical rulebook); so this is quite the gift from an old friend, and I look forward to playing it sometime in the future, just to see what its like.

So I think I can call CanGames 2023 a success for me.  I wasn’t sure how well I’d be able to handle attending a convention going in to CanGames, but now I’m more confident about returning to tabletop gaming in the future, and the possibility of running games next year.

Addendum: more photos, including other games I didn’t play in, here: CanGames 2023

[unnaturalequilibrium]

Vätternrundan 2023

I've done this twice now and I can easily say it's turned into one of my favourite things. It's a 315 kilometre long bike race around a lake. At a maximum you have 28 hours and 30 minutes to finish. From 7:30 pm on the Friday throughout the night and into the Saturday morning you have groups of riders starting every two minutes and the cut off for the finish-line is midnight Saturday. So depending on how long you think it will take you pick a starting time when you sign up and then you do your best. This year I started a little after 5 am and finished ten minutes past 7 pm.

I’m trying to distil down into words what it is about this that I love so much and it’s not one simple thing, it’s that combination of several really cool things. From a purely personal point of view I fucking love the challenge. It is a long fucking distance to cycle in one go and it’s a pretty challenging course. After you’ve done around 200 kilometres there is a stretch of around 50 kilometres that is pretty much a continuous uphill and that is both so incredibly challenging mentally and physically. If you haven’t kept up with nutrition and hydration throughout the first sections then those hills will kick your butt so fucking hard. This year it was pretty warm throughout the entire night/day and I think it reached around 28 degrees Celsius. That shit took it’s toll on your body, it was hard to get as much liquid and salts into you that you needed (I made the mistake of wearing an all black cycling kit, I looked like a zebra due to all the salt stains when I finished). And then there’s the mental side, because when you got to those sections there were so many people who either got off their bikes, or were resting by the side of the road waiting to be picked up by the support cars because they simply didn’t have it in them to finish. That fucks with you, because if they can stop, why shouldn’t you? You’re hurting and it’s hard, so why shouldn’t you too get off your bike and just stop? But somehow there is such a fucking kick in getting those devil horns of yours out and keep pushing, just keep fucking pedalling. There are loads of spectators all along the course and they usually do the whole “you can do it!” and “you’re looking strong!” etc, but my absolute favourite was an old man in a beach chair in a very relaxed and reassuring voice as we were mid-through some of the worst climbs simply telling us “it’s good, you’re grinding, keep grinding”. There was just something about his tone that hit perfectly, no big rah-rah, just keep grinding and you’ll get there. And I did.

That’s the other part I love about it though, the spectators. Last year we started around 4 am and it was pouring down rain, still even then there were people along the road cheering us on and it’s...it’s kinda of cool. This year the weather was so much better and I lost count of the number of houses and farms you rode past where they’d pulled out tables and chairs and were having parties alongside the road, blasting music and cheering the riders on. There’s a Hallelujah hill with some church holding sermons and then there’s Karaoke farm where they keep blasting Eurovision songs and singing along loudly and off key. It’s just a mad fucking trip across the countryside and it’s – mad and fun.

But the thing that really gets under my skin and makes me a little high are the people doing the race. Because this is not something that is locked behind some kind of elitist mindset. This is a “race” for everyone (I keep calling it a race, but it isn’t, it doesn’t have a winner, there’s no price money, it’s just for fun). There are professionals for sure, but then there is every other kind of person you can think of to. A staple of the race has become an old man who now is in his seventies who’s ridden, I think every year, the race has been on, and he rides in a pair of worn jeans, on an old bike with 3 gears and in the front basket he’s got a old school boombox for company.

At the last stop I chatted away with a group doing a charity ride, at that point I was fucking pooped and had been going at it for almost 13 hours, but it got put into perspective as I heard about their journey and how they were closing in on 24 hours on the go. But my favourite thing was that the thing they thought was hardest was going to the portaloos in the middle of the night with no lights in them, trying to wrestle in and out of bike clothes. That mentality, I fucking love it.

It might sound mad, but I love it so much even though parts of it are really hard mentally and physically. I already know I’m going to sign up for next year again (that was something decided as the day after we finished). It didn’t matter that my knees felt like those of a geriatric and that my hands were well blistered or my left butt cheek suffered some serious chaffing - I was ready to start training for next year.

The feeling of accomplishment, happiness and knowing you will take on and finish a challenge – yeah, I might not be doing this in my seventies, but I get that man. I really do. And who knows, one year at a time I guess.

And if you're contemplating doing mad shit like this come talk to me and I'll persuade you it's absolutely something you have to do.

[thedelilah75xl]

04/03/2024

Back to reality.....back to work. I must say the wound is such a irritation now. I feel it constantly..... everything is pressing against it. I feel it constantly. Its painful but not as bad as it was in the beginning. I quickly went to the shops to buy my daughter some stuff I can't ask my husband to buy ..and that little walk did me not good at all. I was in pain. Now I understand why my Master told Me not to walk on the treadmill.... The movement on the wound is not good.

I ate crumbed chicken with oven veggies yesterday...and my tummy did not like it. I had a runny tummy during the early morning hours. And I feel weak this morning....nothing coffee can not fix😁...

My Master makes me happy and I feel so much closer to him after our talk. I was really so unhappy on Thursday and Friday....and cried alot.. I actually thought it he was still cold towards me that I will walk away... it was hurting too much not to talk to him or hear from him. But he decided to be nice and we actually talked and I felt so much better. I really can not see my life without him...and I don't want to see it without him....even my husband who does not care about me saw that I was very sad on Thursday and Friday and actually tried to be nice....even over the weekend talked to me.

I had a blast from the past....a guy that was also unhappy in his marriage I used to see for lunch or dinner in 2013 contacted me on LinkedIn y

esterday. And asked for my phone number. We used to talk about our marriage and the unhappiness we experienced. I had blonde hair then... so he said the face looked familiar but my hair is dark. So he told Me he's story what happened these last few years to him... Mmmm I'm

Cearly late this morning...saw a message came through from my Master...we wil continue this tomorrow xxx

[hmajorgirl]

24 and a half <3

hi me from 3 years ago (ish) hi 20 year old me, this is 24 year old you speaking. there's 3 days till christmas and i'm typing on the couch of our (collective) first ever boyfriend's house. i bet you're very impressed, to be honest, this was a life event that i've given up on and to be extra honest, it has entirely consumed me for the last 6 months (with very minor exaggeration). and i've learned a lot about myself.

first things first though. i wanted to say hi and i wanted to say thank you. i think in life, and we know this because we are us, it can feel lonely. i feel like life is a very ruthless churn wheel that gives and takes people away. i keep hoping for them to stay, to last forever, friends lovers etc etc but no one really does. but you - you're here for good. me, i'm here for good and this post, you reaching out to me like that - same person, same person who is continually invested in us (it's getting a little meta) is here, i suddenly feel a wave of anti-loneliness. this past year has been me trying to change my life in the sense of me trying to be a better person for other people, trying to nurture good friendships into something great, and there's something comforting knowing that my rock, you/us/helen-next-year-and-ten-years-to-come will always be here, the girl always in my corner is you. i love you. forever, i've got you. we've got this <3 thanks for saying hi and future helen, hi :) i hope you're good, i love you, i have faith in you!!

ANYWAYs digression aside, what else has been going on in the world ever since 20 year old me? the pandemic finished, it's crazy to think but nothing really changed for good, we all went back to work -actually one thing is working from home. that's been very good. but no one wears masks anymore and try as i might to have spare hand sanitiser somewhere in my bag, i do not and i have regressed to a degenerate who sometimes eats with her bare hands without washing in urgently hungry situations. hmm what else, omg ai has developed, there's this thing called chatgpt and basically i'm just using it to help me find words that rhyme and write applications/cover letters and rephrase professional sentences but it's super useful and i do wonder when robots are going to overtake the world. oh btw, there's also a recession ongoing at the moment, people are getting fired, people are struggling to find jobs. it's a bit grim, there's a cost of living crisis but in spite of it all, people are still going to bars and having a blast on friday evenings (and sometimes i do this too - i went yesterday actually and beat my boyfriend at poole). i think that's all for the world updates. OMG ONE MORE THING. taylor swift is back, she's better and more successful than ever. she wasn't lying when she said she bounces back stronger than a 90s trend. she's also moved on from joe alwyn and that made us all believe in a hot minute that love wasn't real until she started dating travis kelce which also taught the whole damn world that the good kind of love, the right kind of love won't have to ask you to make sacrifices, they show up for you even in the hardest nights.

ANYWAYS, 20 year old Helen, I miss you, I know you had a lot of things against yourself but one thing I really love about you is your optimism, your general belief in the order of things and us, our potential. so here's the answer to all your crazy questions, i think we hoped for the best at that time but we weren't sure, maybe we didn't believe in ourselves a lot but actually, we did okay! and we're a work in progress. one thing is that i am growing up SO MUCH these days, i'm learning a lot about myself in terms of my self-esteem issues, in terms of how i want to be a friend and a person that i would want to love myself, what makes a good friend vs a great friend (someone who will give you their time regardless), what love is (always picking up the phone), how it comes in all shapes and forms (friendships, family), how i have the power to shape my life. On the other side I think we're a lot more grounded now, a few lessons we're learning today is that our voice is our power, i'm trying to voice my needs and opinions as much as possible and stay true to myself, i'm learning patience because good things take time, i'm learning how perfect gets in the way of good enough and really really great and also how it's achievable eventually (in my own defined way) but i have to work and have faith. i trust myself more, to take care of myself first but also i will always be my own failsafe, i trust myself and i am glad to have myself be the person there to pick me back up. I'm learning how to apply my pre-frontal cortex thinking, slowly but surely. i'm learning that in order to love you have to be vulnerable. i'm still trying to figure out how romantic relationships work, how love works, how to understand someone. so those are a few things i'm working on at the moment, i feel like i'm trying to make up for lost time with these intersocial skills, i'm healing a wound from childhood. i'm trying to take care of us, not just 20 year old us but also 10 year old us, 15 year old us. I also learned that you shouldn't make fun of people, the things they find good about life, the things they love, their excitement, you shouldn't rain on someone's parade ever.

OKAY to answer your q's:

I'm listening to ghost me by holly humberstone, our taste hasn't changed much and i wonder if it ever will. this year i met what feels like so many people who love the same music as me and i went to concerts with them! in reality it was just Leah, Shannon and Lauren, but still, I am so happy about this. I just realised in 5 years we're going to be 30 holy crap. i'm a bit scared as 24 year old helen to be honest - but 30 year old Helen how are you? :) I am excited to hear about your life, what are you listening to right now?

We talked about my relationship status, I have a boyfriend!! he's cute and tall and pretty and softly spoken and he's funny and he cares about me and he is super smart and goofy and weird sometimes and he kisses me randomly in the morning and strokes my hair when we watch tv, he's a good guy. we have an issue, i am a bit concerned he's in love with his ex but i think half of it is me overthinking - 30 year old Helen please feedback what happened with him? are you still together or are you with someone else? Are you single and hot and touring the world on your latest book tour? What's your relationship status, what have you learned about love? what's your outlook on finding someone now? ARE YOU STARTING A FAMILY? 20 year old me, you accused me of having self esteem issues - i totally agree with you and we're working on this :) it does affect my relationship though lmao the situation doesn't help.

Our grandma died a few months after you wrote that post and i think i am still grieving although it gets lighter with time. i'm not sure if grief ever leaves you, i miss her, i miss the childhood that i remember with her. i miss squeezing the wrinkles on her hands. i miss the way when she'd ask after me, i would be sick for some reason, it's like she always knew. but mostly i miss holding her small hand on walks, or peeling garlic with her in the kitchen, i miss loving her i think. there was a tenderness i felt with her, a kind of safety and peace that i don't feel anymore at home. i miss her so much. i am glad i got to have her for the time that i did. home isn't the same without her. everyone has processed their grief differently. i am lucky i still have most people around me. i want to spend more time with parents as much as i can. 30 year old me, how is the family? do you go on holidays with Lucy and Fran? are you doing all expenses paid trips with mum and dad? are you making sure you tell them you love them? are you making sure you are giving them your time, please look after them well, they raised you up so well, they worked so hard, please love them harder. are we better at showing it yet? if not, what's stopping you? i hope they are well and healthy.

i moved out. i'm living in london in Liz's flat and i am struggling with sharing 30 year old me DID YOU GET TO LIVE ALONE have you decorated your place exactly how you wanted it? did you have fun moving in, did you have fun matching furnitures and furnishings and making pinterest boards? do you own your place now or are you planning to buy and settle somewhere soon? WHERE ARE YOU BTW? i am excited to know hehe. did you manage to travel and live somewhere random for 6 months? did you work out so you have multiple homes in different locations that you are enamoured by?

funny thing is, i did end up working in consulting it's like marketing and basic basic data consulting and we are not enjoying it, but we found a strange kooky kind of family there, a bunch of asians and i think it's one of the first times in my life where i felt like i belonged to a social strata, it's healing. we had a crush on one of them at 23 but he was weird. we're all eating together next week, Michael's making food for Abi and I! 30 year old me - what happened to these guys, are we still in touch? i'm not too sure but i hope you found a good group of fun friends to hang with. Career-wise i just finished a course to become a designer. I KNOW I CONCEEDED, ya girl is GOING TO DO SOMETHING CREATIVE. 30 year old me - miss SNR DESIGNER, are you lecturing? did you go back and do a masters like you wanted to? are you speaking at conferences on best design practices? are you building products you believe in and if not why not? what are you doing now career wise and are you enjoying it? is it giving you a greater purpose? are you proud? 20 year old me, i think you'll be proud of me to be honest, i did end up being a marketing hoe in a fancy ass office building and i am SERVING work fits in the office. we did it, let's do some more :) and you'll be even prouder to know that i have made a few more serious attempts to start writing, i got a scholarship on a writing course this year that i did not complete but tbc, i want to focus on this area of my life for sure going forwards, i am excited. 30 year old Helen - what are you writing about? is it non-fiction, fiction? how has your writing style changed? what's your process like? do you read? what do you like to read nowadays? right now i am building a reading app and i still haven't hit my goodreads targets but i'm doing okay!! i read on and off and i'm proud that i've kind of picked it back up and we're moving forwards! i am rich enough to do weekly spin/pilates sessions, my relationship means i don't want to spend extra time doing this stuff but I NEED TO. i must, i am struggling, 30 year old me, did you manage to sort this out? please be hot and fit and healthy, please make me proud, to be honest i have faith in myself, but 30 year old me, how did i do? and how can we do better? :) are we taking therapy now? because we tried that for a hot minute but we were too poor to continue. drones are still not really a thing. I went with Elizabeth to spain this year and saw a need side to her. i haven't seen Jason since uni. I've spoke to chloe less and less since she's got a boyfriend. I call Jen and Michelle and Taiga a lot these days, i think they'll be around for a long time :) how are they? how's Abi? how's Shannon? any new friends?

OMG THE GUY, he was not over his ex and he broke up with you, i really hope 30 year old us has more perspective but i hope it doesn't end the same with this guy. but he was not the one for you HONEY. you live, you learn, you do better. :)

i cook a little now, could be healthier and i am SO EXCITED TO HAVE OUR OWN POTS AND PANS AND PLATE COLLECTIONS IN OUR OWN PLACE, 30 year old me - please describe our aesthetic kitchen set up and the scrumptious meals you make for candlelit dinners <3

i just took an enneagram test i am still 9 and then 2 as fuck but closely followed by 3 :) to be honest i think these are not super bad traits but i am more honest about how i am a slight pushover so 30 year old me are we a 1/3 through and through? i think i am a 1 or a 4 at heart to be honest, let me know your results.

i write songs and i sing a bit better, do we still do this later? no kids, 2.3k monthly salary post tax, wbu 30 Helen? have we made 6 figures yet? :) I started dancing this year! planning to keep going next year, i;m not great but i really love it. it made me feel a live again, hbu 30 year old Helen? do you dance? are you finally good at it?

I do still make spotify playlists AND instagram highlights WITH MY ENTIRE LIFE in it. hbu 30 year old helen? what are our latest themes? are we recording our life in any other way? my spotify playlists are not so theme based i think i grew out of it i don't have the time and it's less fun when you don't have an ex potentially stalking your profile. but we categorise it by month and we are SO FREAKING PROUD of it.

TV series I love: scorpion, omg singles inferno, buccaneers, rick and morty, discovered parks and recreation it was insane and brooklyn 999 but will always ALWAYS be a hoe for new girl, it has my heart. but to be honest i don't watch a lot of TV anymore I am really into Ali Abdaal's podcast and i'm trying to watch productive youtube videos and read when i eat ofc a lot of the times this doesn't happen. How are you entertaining yourself 30 year old Helen? did you build healthier habits? do you have a consistent morning/evening routine?

I have 40 followers on my private ig. hbu 30 year old Helen? how many detoxes did you do? are you still posting your thoughts? are there people on there that you don't speak to now?

Funnily enough I am speaking to jen and Michelle and taiga on facebook, hbu?

you had a lot of questions for me 20 year old Helen and I love you for that but I am also very tired to keep going back and forth so let me try my best to answer everything in my next paragraph and I'll cover all the bases in my life too. screenwriting has been vetoed as a pipe dream, you are right i did become more realistic but this has also helped me to see things clearer and evaluate what i want and who i want to be and what i want to do with this limited time, we have arrived at writing, designing, teaching and being a good person who applies herself as much as possible, who is always true to her authentic self. we are kinder to ourselves and more forgiving when we mess up and we're still messing up but now we're learning from it more because we're not afraid anymore. i am trying to carry less shame with me and this comes with brutal honesty for everyone, i've also realised that some shame is not for me to carry, some trauma may impact me but it belongs to other people and i am blaming myself less. i am writing a little, i've paused but my heart is tied to it, i will do it - 30 year old me, did i do it? ARE WE PUBLISHED?? are we good? did we take our parents to duck and waffle? logistically this wouldn't really make sense but i hope you paid a shit tonne of money when you're rich to show them that their daughter made it, pride is everything to a parent - it's something that I want to give to them. i know they are proud already, but i want to give back to them something tangible that they can hold on to. i want to act in love. i want to celebrate the very act of existing.

do we have mentors? are we mentoring people? how did we meet these people? how have they helped us in our career and life and relationships? are we healthy? are we happy? are we still trying? do you have a grand plan, a vision, something you are entirely excited about and pouring your entire soul into? are you enjoying the small moments in life? are you calling your friends are telling you you love them? are you calling your parents? do you have someone you love? do you tell it to them enough? are you celebrating yourself? are you having good birthdays? are you in love with life? what do you love about it these days? i'm always in the process of falling in and out of love with life but recently i went to Elliot's to see Jay and his girlfriend and i walked to borough and the people there, the scene, the life itself they were all breathing, made me fall completely head over heels in love all over again. life makes life after all - please touch it as much as possible, play with it and mould it, feel, feel things and be honest about them. are you still a romantic realist? are you still an optimist? i fucking hope so because the world is too miserable to live as a cynic. do you use your words wisely? do you mean them? are you shouting these days?

i love you, i hope you're loving yourself, i know you do actually. let's rephrase, how do you love yourself these days?

last note to 30 year old Helen:

you seem old and far away but I'm sure that when i get to you you won't feel that much different, but I hope you've changed a lot for the better. I hope you're still changing for the better. I know I get to choose a version of you based on my actions today. I know what I want, what I can give to us. wish me luck, i hope you don't blame me. what do you think of me? did i try my best? i'll try my best - i'm a little scared to be honest but i have faith in the universe. i really do.

so... how are we doing? :)

[teenmomcentral]

Jenelle Evans‘ son Jace is officially a missing person again.

The 14-year-old has been missing for about 16 hours and had still not been located as of press time. According to TMZ, Jace escaped from Jenelle’s home on The Land by climbing out his bedroom window and running into the night. He has not been seen since about 8 p.m. EST Thursday night.

As The Ashley has previously reported, Jace has made several attempts to run away since Jenelle got custody of him in March. In August, he bolted from his school but was found later that day in the woods. Weeks later, Jace ran away again, this time leaving home for a few hours before being found at a gas station a few miles away from The Land.

Although he was reported as a missing person before, this is the longest Jace has ever been gone. And, this time, he has no way to communicate. (When he bolted from the school, it was reported that cops found him by tracking his Snapchat location.)

“Jenelle told officers Jace snuck out of the home through a window, and didn’t have a cell phone with him,” TMZ reported on Friday. 

The site reports that Jace has now been added to the National Missing Persons Database.

After news of Jace’s past runaway attempts broke, Jenelle claimed it’s normal “teen” stuff and minimized the seriousness of the attempts.

“Jenelle has chalked the runaways as Jace being a normal teenager, mad at his parents … but there’s clearly something more going on,” TMZ reported on Friday.

Jace’s escape comes just one day after Jenelle and her mom Barbara (who raised Jace up until March) faced off in court regarding a restraining order request Jenelle filed to keep Barb away from her and her kids. The judge denied Jenelle’s request, and Jenelle later stated on Facebook that she’s not trying to keep Jace and Babs apart. (She did, however, also file for a restraining order to keep Barb away from Jace so her claim doesn’t really make sense.) 

Jenelle has yet to comment on her son going missing again. Two hours ago, she posted a photo from the doctor’s office where she had taken her son Kaiser but did not make any mention that her oldest son is currently a missing person.

As The Ashley previously told you, Jace had run away while in Barbara’s care as well. However, it is happening more frequently since Jenelle regained custody of him. 

In August, Barbara told TMZ that, Jenelle allegedly stopped giving Jace the ADHD medication he’s been on for the past seven years. Barb also stated that Jace is no longer seeing his behavior specialist. She listed these as the reasons she believes Jace ran away.

Jenelle later blasted Barbara for doing the interview and revealed that she has, once again, cut off communication with her mother. Days later, she filed for the restraining order against Barbara, claiming that Barb talking to the media is causing her and Jace “emotional distress.” 

UPDATE! As of 6:45 p.m. EST, Jace is still missing. It is coming up on 24 hours since he was last seen. The Ashley has reached out to authorities for further info. According to Amanda Prince, a county attorney for Columbus County, North Carolina, this is an “ongoing investigation.”

Jenelle has still not acknowledged that Jace is missing; however, she did upload a photo of her lunch and mentioned that she is “stressy and depressy” currently.

The Ashley will continue to update this story as more news comes in. Stay tuned…

[chorusfm]

Dead Kennedys – Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables

The legendary record, Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables, by Dead Kennedys has recently been remastered by Chris Lord-Alge, and has officially been re-issued as of last Friday. Given this recent exciting news, I figured I would take a walk back through the band’s debut studio album to see how it sounds through some fresh ears. Lord-Alge shared, ““Revisiting Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables was such an inside peek at a band packing so much excitement onto tape for every song. The style and playing has such drive and spirit. The big challenge for me was keeping it honest to its original sound and not letting it become modern but improving the separation and clarity. A major chapter in history for Dead Kennedys.” With such steadfast dedication to making each and every song come alive again, Dead Kennedys can look back fondly on this reissued set that packs a nice new shiny punch to it. Album opener “Kill The Floor” packs plenty of bounce to it, with the bass lines really pulsating through the new mix. “Forward to Death” highlights the frenetic drumming from original percussionist Bruce Slesinger, and vocalist Jello Biafra’s delivery really shines on this newly mastered recording. Other early standouts like “When Ya Get Drafted” and the hyped-up energy found on “Drug Me” really sparkle on this refreshed mixes. My personal favorite on the front half, “Your Emotions,” showcases this band’s great chemistry with each other on their debut LP, and clicks along perfectly. The band’s arguably most recognizable song, “Holiday in Cambodia,” continues to display its Pink Floyd meets punk rock brilliance in its delivery, and still keeps the spirit of the original recording. Closing out with “Viva Las Vegas” is a blast of pure punk rock fun, and leaves the listener clamoring for more and reaching for the repeat button on the disc. The “2022 Mix” CD features a great, comprehensive 28-page booklet that dives into the history of Dead Kennedys and features exclusive quotes and testimonials from artists like Guns N’ Roses, Bad Religion, Megadeth, Pennywise, among many more sharing what this band means to them. The liner notes will leave fans satisfied with its in-depth dedication to preserving the past while still sharing something new about these punk legends. Long live the Dead Kennedys. --- Please consider becoming a member so we can keep bringing you stories like this one. ◎ https://chorus.fm/reviews/dead-kennedys-fresh-fruit-for-rotting-vegetables/

[thefallenbibliophilequote]

The Asgardian Way

Loki x Reader

Summary: you get your period on the most unfortunate time- on date night with Loki. Embarrassed as you are of the topic from past experiences with boyfriends, Loki shows you that unlike mortal men- Asgardians view this time of the month for women in a much better way.

Word count: 1,849

Warnings: period talk, fluff, shade on Christianity, some shade on human men, Loki being the ideal boyfriend we all deserve.

A/N: this was requested by @the-departed-potato and while I do not take requests I just really had to do this one because this was like just perfect for me specifically to do. Sorry it took so long! Sorry if this sucks!😅 I also truly had to hold myself back from giving even more shade on Christians of old times because damn I could write a whole essay about those people and how they spread misinformation that changed real history to fake mainly bc of witchcraft. This is not beta read so all mistakes are by yours truly!

No one is allowed to repost my writing or steal or copy my work! Reblog on tumblr is fine.

Masterlist

--

It's been going on for months now, the shameless flirting, the gentleman behaviour, and the devious looks he sent your way that completely contradicted his actions and left you a blushing mess even when he only opened the door for you- then he would wink at you.

It wasn't until one night that you gathered up courage to ask him out.

You were staying late at the Avengers Tower, you wanted to finish working on the new gadget you had built with Tony at the lab so he sent you to bring the two of you some coffee- he knew it was useless to tell you to go home and sleep- last time he tried to do it you called him a hypocrite and conditioned one of his suits to blast him if he gets close to you. You found it hilarious. He made sure to update the security of his code.

You went to the kitchen when you happened to overhear a conversation of two gods.

"Why have you not taken her on a date yet, brother?"

"I wish to court her properly, she deserves to be treated like a lady." You heard Loki respond to his brother. You leaned on the wall, trying not to get hopeful and to get the butterflies to calm down.

"Y/N is a fine lady, however, I heard from Stark that midgardian women might mistake courting like ours as mere jest." You smiled a bit at the scoff they both let out.

"Mortals continue to baffle me." Came Loki's comment, before Thor continued- not letting the subject go.

"Ask her on a date, I'm sure she will appreciate it." He encouraged his brother who wasn't as sure.

"I think, brother, that she is different- she will appreciate the old delicate arts of courting." He was not wrong- you were always old fashioned. But now at his admission, you stepped out of the shadows and into their view.

"While I do appreciate the courting, I'd love it if you would ask me out." Loki turned around at the sound of your voice.

"How long have you been standing there, darling?" he fidgeted with his hair.

"Long enough," you stepped down the stairs to stand in front of him. "What do you say about this Friday night at six? There is an art exhibit at the museum, I think you'll like calling out all the inaccuracies."

"Yeah, I'd like that." He gave you a small shy smile, and you completely forgot about Thor who stood on the side, watching it all unfold.

"This is great," he said. "You two are finally going on that date, see brother I told you-"

Thor stopped when he looked at Loki who sent him daggers at ruining the moment. You only chuckled.

"I have to go get Tony and I some drinks, so I guess I will see you then." You were about to turn around to head towards the kitchen when Loki took your hand in his, making you turn around, then he kissed the back of your hand lightly, bowing with a small smile at the blush on your cheeks.

"I look forward to it."

It took you a couple of second to function after he did that, mumbling a quiet goodbye you turned around and refused to look back at the smirking god.

•

You have gone with the god for a couple of dates now and then, sometimes you didn't see him for a whole week because of meetings in Asgard and while you were sad that you didn't get to see him-you were glad he was gone on that exact week every time.

You have been seeing him for about 2-3 months now and it was great- up until your period decided to come early. Right on your scheduled date.

You were nervously pacing your apartment thinking how to tell Loki that you can't go out with him tonight. You didn't want him to see you like this- he is a god, and you- you are a mortal woman who was having trouble getting out of bed because your body decided to punish you for not being pregnant this month.

Your body was so sexist.

Suddenly, a knock on the door.

Groaning, you got out of bed and headed for the door, checking who was there you were puzzled when you saw Loki there, dressed to the nines. Surely you didn't waste so much time, he must be early.

"Dear, are you okay there?" he called you.

"Yes, I'm fine- just a moment!" you tried to make yourself look presentable in a rush just so you could open the door to the dashing prince who was awaiting you.

You opened the door with a smile, which he returned.

You were used to acting like you were okay while your cramps were killing you from the inside but it seems like the god of lies could not be so easily fooled.

"Hi Loki, I was not expecting you this early." You laughed courtly, "And I was actually meaning to call- I'm not feeling so well today, I'm afraid I have to postpone our date tonight."

Loki walked into your apartment, kissing you on the cheek before pulling back to study you.

"I wanted to see you sooner, so here I am. But now that I am here- well tell me what is wrong, dearest?" he frowned when he saw you slightly clench your fists.

"Oh, I'm just not feeling well, I won't be good company and I won't be able to enjoy a lovely night with you I'm afraid."

"I'm a healer my love; you always seem to forget my magic," he smirked slightly causing you to laugh- which was not good right now for you.

"I remember your magic powers very well when you prank me." You countered. "But no, this is not something you need to worry about."

He reached out and took your hand with a small laugh. The door locked itself with a wave of his hand as he took you to the couch.

"I'm afraid you will have to do better than that to fool the god of lies." He took both of your hands in his and you were sure he could see your embarrassment with the way he was gazing into your eyes, "Now tell me, what is wrong?"

"You really don't need to- it's kind of embarrassing-" you started to mumble, lowering your head.

"I'm still here, aren't I? What kind of man will I be if I am not taking care of those I care about?"

You pulled your hands away from him, embarrassed as you mumbled something he couldn't quite put together.

"What was that?"

"I'm on my period." You closed your eyes- not wanting to see his disgusted look. "See, so you don't need to be here, I can take care of it myself and we can reschedule our date to a week from now."

It was not a problem to you- you knew the drill- but having to explain it to a clueless god felt humiliating to say the least.

"Is that all? Why didn't you tell me sooner?" You opened your eyes to a puzzled god.

"Because it would make you uncomfortable," you replied, suspicious of his reaction.

"Why on Odin's beard would it make me uncomfortable?" He frowned at you and looked you over. He started peppering kisses on your hands.

"Because it is my period?" You knew he is a god, but maybe asgardians women didn't get that. "Here on earth, men tend to be disgusted by it, they don't like to get involved in it or talk about it."

He huffed out in surprised anger- that you did not expect. The god in front of you did not know how human males could be so awful.

"Well that is preposterous! Women are to be worshipped at those times!" you stared at him-he had always treated you differently, unlike anything you have seen on earth before. You knew Asgardian ways of manners were much old fashioned and yet so different all the same.

"Then tell me, how do asgardians see it?" you leaned on the back of the couch, facing Loki and pulling a blanket over you. You liked how safe he made you feel, but this still felt weird to you- you were not sure how to react- to what extent it goes. So, curiosity got the better of you, "because if I'm being honest, this is kind of embarrassing."

Loki sent you a smile with a twinkle in his eye.

"Darling there is nothing to be embarrassed of! You are naturally as powerful as a thunder storm, a tornado- lightning cowards before you and your power!" he was going to make sure you understand it, he had never been so baffled by humans before. "You hold the ability of life- eternal life- in every drop of blood that falls from you- from the most powerful being in all the realms. For a couple of days each month- you are being shown your true power even through your suffering- and in that time you, my dear, are more powerful than a god. You should be nothing but worshipped. That is what the gods of Asgard know it to be true."

"Do they really all think that?" you felt a sharp pain suddenly and Loki came closer to you, put his usually cold hand on your stomach and you felt comforting warmness ease your ache.

"They know it. The people of midgard knew it too at some point, but then some people who thought themselves gods- I think they called themselves Christians- decided that the bleeding was a show of witchcraft and called it a sin and spread many lies about it, which now I see are still believed to this day. You see, they were quite stupid." You laughed at the disgusted look he gave you, which in turn made him smile. "You know, I probably shouldn't tell you this but…"

"You never obey such rules." You laughed and put your hand over his one that was comforting you on your stomach.

"In one of Thor's travels he bathed in a river filled with the menstrual blood of the powerful Giantesses. That was to give him enlightenment and eternal life."

"Ew, did he actually do it?" you scrunched your nose and Loki kissed it.

"That is not disgusting- that was powerful and very well respected. When he came back, he was the smartest I have ever seen him."

"I hope he took a good bath after it…" you chuckled and smiled at him, "Thank you for this, the Asgardian way of thinking is way better than that of earth."

"Now, dear, while I do have a preferred way to help take away the pain-" you blushed under his gaze. "Tell me, what is it that you desire? Tell me, so I can worship you as I should."

You kissed him then and you knew right then when he kissed you back that the Asgardian men are way better.

•

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[chaotic-major]

MPAU Part 1

For @min-play I hope you like it! This will be following Min-Play’s Movie Possession AU. Enjoy part 1!

Lloyd liked to consider himself a fairly normal person. Sure, his dad whom he’s never actually met in person attacks the city every other day but besides that, everything in his life is normal. The bullies can be a bit much, considering it's basically the entire population of the city, but his mom doesn't need to worry about anything more than her job. Lloyd can handle it, he’s fifteen. 

He fixes his hood as he walks down the street, avoiding eye contact with anyone but the ground. He’s memorized the route home by now. As the city falls into dusk, Lloyd takes a moment to gaze at a fountain in a small plaza. He doesn’t dare enter of course, but it’s nice to take in the beauty of the city once and awhile, especially if it doesn’t always last too long. 

The clouds overhead rumble as a light rain starts to fall. Lloyd sighs and watches all the people gather their things and head into their homes or find buildings to seek shelter from the rain in. He starts to continue his walk back when a dark vortex opens in the sky. Lloyd stares at it, puzzled. Is his dad somehow orchastairing this? He wouldn’t put it past him, honestly. But as soon as it opened, it closed and the rain abruptly stopped. As confused as Lloyd was, he had no energy to question it at this point. He sighed before turning on his heel and going home.

Morro realized he wasn’t entirely in the right. Holding the realm crystal in one hand and his sensei’s in the other, Morro realized it was up to him. Save himself, or save the ninja. When he looked behind master Wu to see the ninja’s scared and angry faces, he knew what choice he had to make. Putting the realm crystal in Wu’s hand and ignoring his pleas to save himself Morro looked at his sensei and let go, a sad smile on his face.

“You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.” He says as the Preeminent grasps onto him and pulls him down, closer and closer to his watery doom. Lloyd lunges forward suddenly and smacks the realm crystal, opening a portal below Morro. The Preeminent lets go and Morro is pulled down into the portal, Lloyd’s last words to him ringing in his ears.

“I forgive you, and I’m sorry.”

Morro fell through the void as if he had any weight, a force of gravity pulling him down through the opening on the other side. When Morro opened his eyes, he was floating in front of a large city, with buildings that seemed to touch the sky and with lights that glowed brighter than most others he’d seen in the past few weeks. He floated through the streets, glaring at every person who walked through him and paid him no mind regardless. 

“Hello!?” He shouted, flying above the crowd. “Can any of you fools hear me?” No one gave any response. He looked around, almost frantically, wanting to be heard.

“H-holy shit. You’re a gh-ghost.” A meek voice said from below him. Morro turned and flew down, inspecting the person who spoke. He seemed to be a young teen in a green hoodie, the hood up and covering his hair. It was blond and strands were falling over his face. His eyes were an emerald green, a colour he’d seen in someone else before…

The realization struck Morro in an instant. This was… Lloyd? He seemed nothing like the green ninja Morro had grown familiar with. This one seemed shy and scared, so much so he didn’t ever seem to take off his hood. The Lloyd Morro possessed was confident and strong, the green ninja. This Lloyd didn’t look like he could hurt a fly.

“I am. So who are you?” Morro asked, not wanting to look like a fool if he was wrong.

The boy shifted on his feet. “I’m Lloyd. What’s your name?” 

Huh. This kid really knew nothing. “I’m Morro. Master of Wind.” He looked Lloyd in the eye. “And you’re the green ninja.” That made Lloyd drop his expression of fear and trade it for confusion.

“The green ninja? What’s that?” Lloyd inquired. Morro looked like he was about to tear his hair out. What god forsaken universe did Lloyd send him to?! Death a second time would’ve been better than this! Morro groaned. 

“It doesn’t matter.” Morro said before promptly possessing Lloyd. The teen screamed as a spectral projection of him was produced, taking Morro’s spot. Morro glared at him until Lloyd realized he was basically fine. He stared at Morro, shock and confusion apparent on his face.

“Wh- what are you going to do? Now that you’ve possessed me?” Lloyd asks the specter in his body. Morro scoffed and walked away, knowing that Lloyd would be pulled after him if he got too far from the body. 

Morro walked through the streets, watching as people parted around him. He tried to ask for directions to the museum multiple times, all a fruitless effort as people either scoffed at him or threatened him away. Morro was more than agitated at this point. Everything was so bright and loud, so much space in the street and yet so little. The buildings were too tall and he felt much too small. Morro caught sight of an alley and ducked into it, breathing out a gentle sigh of relief as he escaped the loud and towering street. 

“What’s wrong with these people…” Morro mutters, walking farther into the alley. Lloyd’s small voice piped up from behind Morro.

“Um… H- hey, it’s getting pretty dark… I really shouldn’t be down here this late. We should go back.” Lloyd suggests. Morro lets out a laugh that chills Lloyd to the core.

“Wow. That’s adorable.” Morro says in a mocking tone. An apparition of himself appears before Lloyd.

“In case you haven’t noticed, you’re not in control here. So shut up and stay put.” Morro demands. Lloyd looks down before looking back to Morro.

“C- can I at least call my mom? She’ll be worried.” Morro raises a finger and opens his mouth to reply before he was thrown from the mindscape and back into Lloyd’s body. Suddenly, Morro was up against the wall, a knife to his neck.

“Make a sound and I’ll slit your throat,” The man said in a low tone. “Garmadon.” Morro grew more emranged, if that were possible. He blasted the man off of himself, kicked his legs out and pulled the man to the ground, hand in his hoodie, holding him to the ground.

“Let’s make this crystal clear.” Morro said, holding the knife to the man’s throat, hair now a jet black in contrast to the sunny blond it had been seconds ago. “ I am not Lloyd Garmadon.” He announced. “I and Morro. Master of Wind. And I will be the Green nin--” Morro was cut off as Lloyd managed to grasp hold of control.

“STOP!” Lloyd shouted. He glanced at the knife in his hands before screeching and dropping the knife before dashing out of the alley. Lloyd broke into a sprint, managing to make it three and a half blocks before breaking down. Morro let himself into spirit form, rebounding Lloyd against a wall. 

“What was THAT?” Morro shouted at the teen. “I had that! Why did you get in the way!?” Lloyd stood his ground.

“You- you were going to kill him!” Lloyd shouted back, scared and concerned. Morro digested Lloyd’s words a moment. 

“..No.” Morro said. “NO!” He exclaimed angrily. He pointed his finger at Lloyd’s throat. “HE was going to kill YOU.” Lloyd’s eyes widened. Morro was right, as much as he hated to admit it. Lloyd looked back from where he ran, stewing on Morro’s statement. He pulled his hood over his head, desperate to ignore what had just taken place. He felt his hands shake, ready to have a good cry.

“Can… can I please call my mom and let her know I’m ok?” Lloyd asked in a small voice. “Please? I’ll help you find the museum after.” Morro smacks his hands in his face and gives a long groan, letting his hands fall off his face, contemplating the suggestion. He sighs and nods silently, watching as Lloyd walks over to a “payphone”. He inserts a coin before pressing the numbers on the small pad in an order, obviously committed to muscle memory.

“Hey, mom.” Lloyd answers after a few seconds. Morro floats behind Lloyd, back turned to the boy. “Y- yeah I’m ok.” Lloyd says after a second or two of silence on Morro’s end. “I’m sorry.” He hears Lloyd apologize. Morro feels something bubble up in his chest, squeezing his nonexistent heart. He sighs and allows Lloyd to end the call and return home without stopping at the museum. 

It would’ve been closed at this hour anyways. Morro reasons with himself. As Lloyd settles into bed on the fateful Friday night, whether either of them liked it or not, they were stuck together, for better or worse. Morro looked out Lloyd’s window all night, watching the city slow down and speed up as the sun rose. Maybe… maybe he could still get what he wanted. He turned and looked at the blond, finally looking at peace for the first time Morro had seen. He turns back to the city. Just maybe.