#bullying ment

[sunliteve]

EMPATHEOREM INFO

characteristics:

no powers or anything unusual about his human body whatsoever!

above average height though (177cm)

likes complimenting others and greatly appreciates compliments himself

has a taste for the expensive and tends to ignore or brush off price tags

loves to sing, especially for an audience, and is very good at it

almost endlessly optimistic; difficult to depress or fluster

memories:

growing up being cared for in a wealthy family, but also being dismissed at times as the silly little airhead he pretended to be

being a part of the unit Eve with Jun, and part of Eden with Jun, Nagisa, and Ibara; performing on grand stages in front of sometimes thousands of people, but never winning the greatest competition, SS

buried deeper: his time at Yumenosaki Private Academy, performing as a part of fine with Eichi, Tsumugi, and Nagisa, watching the ramifications of their actions gradually culminate in bullying (from other people to other people) and suicides on campus

icons:

you got it bud

[oc-aita]

AITA for kind of kidnapping a whole group of people?

You see, I've been alone most of my life. My dad died when I was young, And my mom and step dad weren't the kindest. I kinda let a bunch of kids pick on me just so that I'd have more friends. Fast forward to now, I'm athletic, A star on the football team! Well, I was before the parasitic infection broke out. A bunch of incredibly confused fellows (a few infected which were immediately quarantined inside of the cells in my basement) were found inside of this mansion. I immediately filled the place with gas, Since it had been breached with parasites. I knocked them out with the gas, Put my gas mask on and retrieved all of the non dead survivors! They woke up in my home, Some in cells as previously mentioned. Well, They aren't allowed to leave. We're likely the last alive, And need to start reproducing eventually to save the planet. I'm not gonna force them, But they do have to stay no matter what. I'm gonna die soon, I can feel it. I just don't wanna die alone you know?

So let me ask again: AITA?

[not-really-all-that-human]

I want my identity to be taken seriously.

I want to wear my collar to school without worrying I'll get beat up or told to kill myself

I want to go in public with my ears on and not have to worry about being filmed

When I get older I want to get contacts that make my eyes amber and red and my pupils into feline like slits without having people judge me for it

I want to get my fangs made larger and sharper without people telling me I shouldn't look like that

If I were to get married I'd want to be married wearing my tail without being laughed at

When I die I want to be buried with my taxidermy and the animal bones I've collected without people getting mad at me for it

I want my grave to be marked with the phrase "Something nonhuman was buried here."

[coulsonlives]

I think some people have gotten WAY too used to hearing their own hateful circles use phrases like ‘kill yourself’, and even too used to saying it themselves, so much that they've lost sense of how much impact this actually has on people outside those circles, and how much it can mess a person up

‘Kys’ should never be the default phrase you lob at people you don’t like, and if it is, there’s a big problem with what you consider acceptable, you are way off the mark, turn back now

[zooweemama143]

last rb had me thinking of how lame bif would actually be as a person

[demeterdefence]

do you think that the SA with apollo was planned from the start? lots of people seem to think rachel meant it to just be bad sex and then retconned it to be assault

oof, that's a tough one. i have definitely seen that argument / belief in anti lo circles and several other lo critical blogs have discussed this in far more depth with far better understanding than i, so i won't novel spam the dash, but i am honestly and genuinely torn on it tbh.

like it wouldn't surprise me if that's true, because rachel has demonstrated over and over how poorly she understands consent, safe dynamics, and just female agency in the first place. there are definitely some aspects of the initial assault that, looking back on it now, made me wonder. considering how rachel's been trying to retcon some of this out it's difficult looking back at the assault and wonder what exactly rachel's thought process was in the plot as a whole.

that being said, i did not start reading lo until long after rachel was fully fleshed out on webtoons, so i could not even begin to say how she was on tumblr, or anything before the season 2 finale tbqh. and i can give her the credit on this at least, i have always viewed the assault as 1000% no doubt no question assault. genuinely it scares me if rachel wrote and drew that whole thing out and didn't know it was rape, because for many many many people, myself included, it was just so blatantly familiar and clearcut as rape.

it's one of those things that i just can't wrap my head around because it has not been resolved, or really addressed with persephone being in charge of her own healing. it keeps getting thrown in as a kind of hurdle for people to cross, and apollo has never been taken to task for it, punished for it, faced any splash back. even when daphne finds out what he did, she's immediately put into the position of running for her life, and then when she's finally free she just ... doesn't tell anyone?

what's even more concerning is that we see numerous male characters in the text play fast and loose with consent, and rachel really wavers on whether it's bad or not. ares keeps hitting on persephone when she clearly doesn't like it, and he usually ends up getting the narrative coming down on him; zeus lies to demeter to trick her and that gets handwaved away to make room for the bad blood between demeter and hades. hades grooms persephone and then initiates sex when she's in the middle of a bad mental health spiral (obviously just my interpretation of it but i viewed a lot of that scene as persephone having an anxiety attack, and regardless of whether that's canon or not, she's definitely not in the right space for hades to initiate some weird ass daddy dom routine.) so rachel seems to understand what consent is to some degree, but the issue of consent disappears depending on who is asking for it. rachel makes it clear that hades is totally fine and doing the right thing for persephone, whereas if we saw zeus doing that same thing to hera, the narrative would definitively label zeus bad. so whether rachel always intended that scene to be rape, or figured it out later, i think the big question is: why aren't all the characters held to the same standard of consent, and why are so many female characters constantly the victim of men who do not ask?

[justamessedupdisneyprincess]

Am I the only one who really HATES that Barbie movie? It LITERALLY NORMALISES BULLYING, EMOTION ABUSE AND GASLIGHTING

I know it’s probably more trouble than what is it worth but I am losing my mind keeping it in. As someone who had been bullied, abused and gaslighted multiple times I am shocked to see how everyone seems totally ok with this movie. Even like it! I mean Sasha’s ENTIRE character LITERALLY just normalises bullying, gaslighting and toxic abusive behaviour!

Just a heads up. I am going to get into some serious shit here. So trigger warning for I will be mentioning more abuse…although again the Barbie movie literally normalises that. But I am here to talk about the real dangers that behaviour can cause, such as depression, self harm and even suicide.

I was really upset watching that godawful scene where the group of girls decided to chew out Barbie like that. I am so SICK of people saying “Oh that’s just teen angst”. NO it is abusive behaviour and it doesn’t matter if it’s a kid or not! If a kid is harassing someone you HAVE to confront them about it or else someone will get REALLY REALLY HURT! They will never learn and continue to hurt others like that as well! This is coming from someone who had to endure this type of behaviour and got into some serious self harm habits. Many kids at school have ACTUALLY committed suicide because of girls like Sasha and her friends! DO NOT ACT LIKE IT IS A NORMAL THING!

I felt so angry at Sasha at that time and I still am but what sickens me is how she gets away with it. I thought it may be introduced as an obstacle to show how HARD it is on people who are the victim. For example, Wreck it Ralph does a good job at showing how hard it is and how that behaviour can effect others and why said behaviour is BAD. While Wreck it Ralph is hard for me to watch when I feel vulnerable other times it makes me feel stronger as it shows I am not alone. I figured it was taking that sort of direction, to show how it is hard but it happens. As a small way to show awareness.

Barbie bounces back and literally forgets it ever happened and Sasha was just a horrible person all the way through and she NEVER apologised. She got away with it as if it was NORMAL and OK! She was even portrayed as one of the heroines of the story! With NO growth or apology or ANYTHING! You see where I am going with this?

I actually ended up crying and having a serious meltdown after the movie because of that. My mother also agrees with me and says she couldn’t stand Sasha and how she reminded her of the girls who used to bully me and torture me like that. I don’t know how the directors didn’t even THINK about how awful that would look! I am surprised that no one in the making of the movie even thought “wait a minute…”. Also this is just going to show kids that it’s normal to do that. NO! It is bad! If your kid treats someone like that you have to talk to them and tell them how harmful that behaviour is!

Am I literally the only one who sees this problem???

Oh and I should also mention how Sasha and her friends thought Barbie was a crazy person who had mental issues. They literally thought she was mentally disabled and decided it would be hilarious to harass her! Like WTF?!!!! HOW IS THIS OK?!!!!

[junejasprose-addict]

Some fucking ghouls on twitter just misgendered me and called me a chaser and a cross dresser and an agamp because I have an nsfw account where I retweet porn. Why do these kinds of people exist? Why are there trans women that just love acting exactly like terfs? I am so fucking tired of this shit and I'm not out to anyone irl so I have fucking no one to talk to about this! I'm not a docile little house cat so that gives people a free pass to paint me as a predator

[calciumdeficientt]

it’s almost october which means it’s halloween. happy Halloween. let’s get fucking spooky baby.

2335 words of ooky kooky spooky goodness, the payoff is pretty gross so all the triggers i can think of will be tagged accordingly

comms are open if ya like what ya see

There was something underneath the school, at least that’s what Gary was trying to tell everyone. But no one would listen to him, he was the boy who cried bullshit, no one really cared what he had to say, he was a pathological liar. Currently he was in the social area of the boys dorm, trying to get Jimmy and Pete on his side. It was going…. less than swimmingly. “Jaaaaaaaames, I wouldn’t lie about something like that now would I?” he quirked his slit brow, lounging sideways over Jimmy’s lap, where the other boy’s hand landed on his forehead with a satisfying plap“Yeah yeah Gary, isn’t lying your whole MO?” Gary stiffened, damn. He had him there. “I’m serious this time… people haven’t been going to classes” “Oh whoop-dee-do sound the alarms, Bullworth kids aren’t going to classes! What sort of world are we living in?” Jimmy sneered, seeming over the whole thing already. Pete was stood behind the couch picking at a hangnail, he knew he shouldn’t believe Gary, but with all the weird, unexplained creepy stuff happening around Bullworth, he couldn’t help it. It was so insane, that it circled back around and… it was kinda plausible. “Jimmy maybe he’s right, something insidious is going on around here”

Gary shot up from his lounging position to get right in Pete’s face “You sure you’re big enough to toss words like that around little Petey? Insidious?” Pete ran a hand over his face fretfully “Shut UP dude, I’m agreeing with you” “Hehehe…. insidious, what a nerd. Right Jimbo?” “Lay off man,” Jimmy swatted at the back of Gary’s head, the same kind of motion you do to a misbehaving dog “Pete, don’t worry about it… we’ll go check it out tonight, okay?” that was exactly the last thing Pete wanted, but he knew that Jimmy was just trying to calm his nerves about the whole thing “Okay Jimmy”

They reconvened outside the basement just after curfew, having snuck out through a window using tied up bed sheets like they were old-timey prisoners instigating a breakout and had scattered in different directions just in case the prefects tried to play cowboy and round them all up. Gary had all the stuff: flashlights so they wouldn’t wake the janitor by using the main lights; many, many large knives big enough to kill a bear if that was the root cause of the disappearing students; pepper spray he’d lovingly handmade in chemistry class; and a half-empty box of matches. They huddled around the door to the basement as Gary fiddled with the key “Cmon man hurry up” “Patience is a virtue, James” “Shut up, asswipe. One more run-in with the prefects and I’m outta here on my ass, move it” Gary rolled his eyes and continued unlocking the door at his pace, just to piss off Jimmy.

Eventually, he did manage to open the lock, and get all three of them inside. The basement had a weird smell; damp, mouldy but almost… clinical. That was disturbing because it certainly didn’t look very clean, you couldn’t really even blame it on chemical storage because all the chemicals were either old and empty or new and still in their boxes. Pete was lagging behind Gary and Jimmy, a position he wasn’t very happy with, in case something snatched him off when the other two were bickering. Then again, ever the overthinker, he wondered if they’d bother to protect him if he was in the lead.

Eventually, they reached a crossroads within the lower floor of the basement, with three intersecting paths; this was odd. Gary had checked the floor plan, there was nothing like this anywhere on it. How he’d gotten the floor plan was anyone’s guess but somehow, some way, he had. He strode forward, pivoted and put his flashlight under his chin like he was a grandpa telling ghost stories to his traumatised grandchildren “I’m goin in. there… I need to see if I can find something” Pete’s hand shot forward as if to pull Gary back but it was promptly slapped down by Jimmy who gave him his best ‘please god don’t encourage him’ face.

Gary strode off into the abyss, leaving Petey and Jimmy sitting ducks. “You think it’s true, Jimmy, all those rumours?” Jimmy raised a brow, too busy playing with a selection of small stones on the floor of the basement to pay any real attention to what Pete was saying. “What? No. Let’s think about it this way, Gary’s a lunatic and everyone here wants an excuse to cut class or skip town. There’s nothing down here… Gary’s just being Gary” Pete didn’t exactly know what to make of that, he bit his lip a little bit and fiddled around with the beam switch on his flashlight “But Jimmy I mean…. even the preps were talking about it… they don’t have any real reason to lie, right?” Jimmy turned to Pete, deadpan “Derby Harrington tells everyone he’s a natural blonde, Bif Taylor tells everyone he’s got a girlfriend, Justin Vandervelde claims he has friends! The preps lie all the time and so does everyone else. It’s mass hysteria Petey, don’t get sucked in.”

Pete sighed, and tried to relax a bit. He sort of half slumped but even then that positioning still looked stiff and forced. They sat quietly for a while, waiting for any sign of life from Gary and eventually… they got their answer. A long, high pitched, blood curdling scream that could have only come out of someone in deep trouble, interspersed were little gurgles and cries. “GARY!” Pete bleated, up on his feet and running towards the noise in an instant, god what a moron. Jimmy, while wanting to wait it out and leave Gary to what may or may not have been down there, got to his feet and followed Pete as he chased down the noise. At the source, they found nothing, no Gary. No blood. Just his flashlight. Jimmy already thought it seemed fishy but seeing Pete totally freaking out put a little bit of doubt into his mind “Hey, man, It’s okay. Maybe he got scared and bolted.”

The pair of them began to traverse up the hallway, Pete scooped up Gary’s flashlight with trembling, clammy fingers as they passed it and they kept moving down the long hall. The floor was a different texture, it wasn’t concrete anymore but linoleum like the kind they had upstairs in the science labs. A strange design choice for a hallway no one ever goes down. Pete stopped suddenly just as they were reaching the end, holding an arm out to block Jimmy from moving. A little ways away, there was some rustling, then a heavy footstep. Before they could turn and bolt back the way they came there were more and more heavy thuds until suddenly something pounced on Pete and he went sprawling to the floor, crying out for mercy. Jimmy whipped his flashlight onto the figure and of course… it was just Gary, he leered over Pete, grinning like he’d just won the lottery “Ha ha ha! I got you nerds. Oh Petey you should’ve seen your face!” Pete kicked up at Gary, eventually gathering the nerve to stand and give him a good shove “Not cool Gary! Jesus Christ!”Gary’s smirk widened into a full on beam, all teeth. “Relaaaaax, no harm done, just a little practical joke amongst friends, right James?” Jimmy squinted, admittedly he had been just as scared as Pete if not more, but he was excellent at hiding it “Don’t drag me into this, it’s too late for your bullshit Gary” Gary plucked his flashlight out of Pete’s hand and continued to walk towards the end of the corridor, completely ignoring any and all criticism from his two friends. The trio trailed along the hallway in relative silence, save for the squeaking of their shoes against the linoleum. Jimmy eventually broke through the tension, turning to Gary “What are we even looking for down here anyway? It’s late, I have a history test tomorrow” “Patience James, patience” “Oh my GOD will you quit it with the patience bullshit and just tell me why we’re down here playing Scooby Doo at midnight for God’s sakes” Gary paused, regarded his watch despite knowing full well it was busted and looked down at Jimmy “Anything unusual… clues and such” “Oh how very informative, I’ll get right on that, inspector gadget” Gary snorted “Oh Jimmy, first we were playing Scooby Doo and now all of a sudden this is inspector gadget? You need to pick a fantasy and stay in it”

Petey began trailing behind, his heart was still leaping against his ribs like it was trying to barge its way out of his chest. The rhythm was akin to that of a racing horse on the track, beatbeatbeatbeatbeat. It was incessant; and not unlike what he imagined it felt like to have a heart attack. The thought of hightailing it back to the boys dorm and lying flat on his back, sleepless and utterly petrified of what turned out to just be his friend, did cross his mind but he knew if he ran off he’d never hear the end of wimping out of their expedition for the rest of the semester at the least and possibly, his life at the most.

“Besiiiiiides, Jimmy we have everything we need to play Scooby Doo. A damsel, a pointless mystery, a fearless, and handsome leader and… well James, you can play the dog” Gary drawled, gesturing limply to the quivering Pete and to Jimmy before proudly pointing to himself with his free hand. Jimmy squared his shoulders and sighed. Being a little ways back and in no way involved in their stupid argument, Pete managed to find a passageway that the two bickering idiots had managed to miss “Guys…” “See there’s your problem. You think Fred is cool” the passage was dark and lined with some sort of heavy metal, kind of like the door to a safe. It was ajar. “GUYS!” the pair snapped their heads around to Pete, surprised by his sudden outburst. “Don’t worry Pete, think of it this way, two christmasses!” “Look I don’t care about you guys’ stupid fight… I found something” Pete narrowed his eyes, turning back to the door with a grimace. The entrance was cold, much colder than the rest of the basement. It felt like one of those walk in freezers you go in to scream where you work in a restaurant. “Weird, this isn’t on the plan” Gary grumbled, looking down at the crudely drawn recreation of the basement’s floor plan with disdain. Of course Pete had found it, and stolen his thunder. “We should go in, scope it out” Pete faltered. That seemed like the exact opposite of what they should be doing, they should really have been getting going and trying to forget all about tonight. “Sure, I wanna get this over with” Jimmy grumbled, taking the lead and storming down the corridor. It was damp, and significantly warmer on the inside than they’d first thought. It felt more like a meat locker than a freezer.

Soon enough, a few weak bulbs flickered to life, activated by the motion of their exploration. Reluctantly, the three clicked off their flashlights and continued down the hall, making note of the narrow walkway and the lack of damp smell. It was clean, it was medical. The walk was short, and they once again found a heavy door propped open. Like it was inviting them in “Ladies first” Jimmy huffed, grabbing Pete by the collar and tossing him over the threshold, knowing that if he didn’t, Pete would have frozen dead on the spot. Gary followed and then Jimmy.

In front of them was a deep pit, not unlike the hole, as well as the smell of more chemicals and an unpleasant warmth. Pete wandered a few more steps and paused, all the colour from his face draining. He looked sick… he felt sick. “What Petey, what?” Gary grumbled, striding to join Pete as he leaned over the edge of the hole. Jimmy stashed his flashlight and forced himself between the other too boys “Holy fucking shit… oh god”

In the centre of this deep pit was a large mound of flesh, so wide that it was beginning to fold to the shape of the basin of the circular pit. The skin was pulled so taut that it was thin enough for you to see every pulse of blood coursing through its engorged veins. It moved up and down steadily, rising and falling in a lethargic rhythm. It was breathing. “Oh god, oh god” Pete parroted Jimmy, getting paler and paler until he eventually couldn’t take the sight anymore and turned to paint the concrete with his half-digested meatloaf. Gary was circling the rim of the pit with a practised precision, looking for a face, or some equivalent. Jimmy stood where he had, utterly entranced by the pulsing of its blood in a sick sort of way. Too intrigued to look away, too grossed out to keep looking.

Eventually, Gary managed to find a face, and not just one. Many. Very very many. The faces of practically every person who’d vanished in the past days. They weren’t stitched together either, they seemed to have amalgamated together, and weren’t all that aware of each other’s presence or their own. They’d become a sort of hivemind, to a degree anyway. Some of them were weeping, others appeared to be making noiseless pleas for help. All of them had blank eyes and no hair. Not even eyebrows.

Jimmy stumbled backwards, herded up the thoroughly ill Pete and the pair of them ran off wordlessly. Gary reluctantly followed them, but there was no doubt in his mind he’d be back for this thing, to antagonise it if nothing else.

There was something under Bullworth academy. Pulsing. Breathing. Evolving.

[echo-starflower]

If you get this, answer w/ three random facts about yourself and send it to the last seven blogs in your notifs. anon or not, doesn’t matter, let’s get to know the person behind the blog!

Hello!!!! Thank you for the ask mystery person!! ^w^

Three fun facts about me! o(^▽^)o

1. I play three different instruments! In order of proficiency: Piano, Ukulele, and Ocarina! I’m also learning guitar and violin! though out of all music things singing is my favorite haha! (I also play kazoo and ottamatone but both of those are just for the memes heh)

2. I’ve been playing dungeons and dragons since I was 11! I learned at hacker camp and went back home bursting with energy at the idea of getting to wield magic and go on adventures with my friends! Been playing regularly since then and it’s led to meeting so many fascinating people world wide I never would have otherwise! Including my best friend!

And finally 3! I have dyed my hair 11 times! (Not counting touch ups) it’s been pink 6 times (including currently!) purple 2 times and blue three! (Does blue count if it always turns out greenish gray? /silly)

[fluesterscherben]

Scene Idea

Cei: I had a brother too, once.

Gareth, carefully: Had?

Cei: I lost him the day our liege pulled the sword from the stone. Gareth, with sympathy: What was his name?

Cei, with a sardonic smile: Arthur.

[coulsonlives]

I'm tired, man

[miraculouslumination]

I am all for assuming good faith, and interactions inherently stemming from such a place. However, sometimes I feel that there is a special flavor of underlying insult that comes with the way some people approach the topic of transphobia specific to transm&ms. You'll see someone start out with "well, yeah, of COURSE transmasc and trans men deserve to have a word and space to discuss their issues!" Which is great. It's supportive, it shows that they have an open mind, and are open to these discussions.

Then they sometimes follow it up, however, with a very loud "BUUUT" or "HOOOWEVER" or "ALTHOOOUGH". Now I'm left sitting there, absolutely befuddled. Thinking, why? Why does this conversation need to have so many caveats and takeaways?

It's never followed up by anything new, either. It's typically either, "BUT other trans people always have it worse. Forever and always doomed to be the universe's wettest most unfortunate little trans warriors." Or "HOWEVER, just don't go forgetting, little dumb trans boys, that you are at risk of falling for MISOGYNY by discussing your problems" or "ALTHOUGH, these problems are never AS bad as other trans groups. Just ignore the long history of suicide and erasure in your group! That...that doesn't count. That's not REAL suffering." Or something along those lines.

It's just this pattern of people making a complete statement "I believe that transmascs and trans men deserve a word and space to talk about their issues" before tacking on some comment that, in my opinion, undervalues their original statement a LOT.

And you never see this in other discussions of gender! At least, not in the broader world. You never see people warning enben and abinary people that "yeah but if you have your own word/space, JUST REMEMBER that you'll NEVER have it as bad as this OTHER GROUP"

Arguably, this is because we still live in a time where enben and abinary people are often hit with "you don't even exist at all so you can't POSSIBLY have your own UNIQUE issue", but I digress

Why is it that people seem to have this idea that if transmascs and trans men are allowed to have a word + space to talk about their issues, we'll just rapidly devolve into slobbering misogynistic wolves who are always looking for another woman - of any type - to rip and tear down because "BUT MYYYY PROBLEMS!!!"

Why? I mean. We all know why. It's unchecked prejudice and biases. But, still...why?? Why is it so hard to just leave it at "I believe that transmascs and trans men deserve their own word + space" without adding something else. It's a waste of breath, data, and time.

[carrieway]

carrie white does not like violence ! she hates the paintings her mother has of all the sacrifices, the hell burrning, anything grotesque and depicting people suffering ! her favorite painting in their whole house is one of a lamb sleeping on a hill, the only thing seemingly at peace amongst her whole life.

she has thoughts of violence and internally wishes she could harm others- but what victim of severe abuse and bullying wouldn't ! carrie's mother treats her with such rage, it's no wonder she wants to share that same rage with the people harming her at school- it's what she was taught. however, she doesn't know if she is allowed to feel such a way, if she's allowed to even hate the people around her, because her mother shoots down every attempt of support/advice/comfort seeking with a curt dismissal or bible verse that may or may not even apply. she tells her they hurt her and her mother says suffering is good for the soul then moves on- but they still hurt her. her mother will not protect her, so she has to learn to protect herself. in the end, she is horrified by what had happened, what she did to all those kids at prom, because just like the stones that rained on her home as a small child, she was pressed and pushed and shoved until her own brain couldn't handle it anymore. she had every chance to enact revenge on her peers at any moment, she could've found chris hargensen herself and done away with her, but she didn't. she tried to get along with them until the very end, because she always hated those paintings of god's burning wrath.

her whole life, from her contraception to her birth to her adolescence to her death, has just been shame and violence. it's really no wonder why she prefers the painted lamb that manages to sleep in a world she feels terrorized and trapped in.

[justamessedupdisneyprincess]

TW VENT

TW D*ATH THREATS, S*ICIDAL THOUGHTS, TRAUMA AND ABUSE

I JUST FEEL I NEED TO GET THIS OUT BEFORE GOING OFFLINE

Alright so…I think I am gonna go offline again for another long while, go back into hibernation. I was feeling good at first being back but I can’t help but feel anxious atm. Nothing bad happened to me (surprisingly), but I can’t help but always worry if I may somehow make a fool of myself or mess things up again. I actually did find out whilst scrolling through old onward posts that some of the girls who gave me a hard time had deactivated their accounts. I feel a bit safer in that regard. But it just sort of feels too good to be true you know? I can’t help but feel like there’s a danger looming somewhere.

Idk if it’s just my anxiety, trauma or if my gut is telling me something.

Before I go I just wanna say a few things. Thanks for showing me some support. I know I am not perfect, I am far from it. I have a horrible habit of overanalysing things and getting worked up for little to no reason. For that I am sorry and I am so so so sorry if I ever made any of you worry or even hurt any of you if I ever have any of my bad panic attacks. I have a terrible anxiety disorder, I am not using it as an excuse but just to try and explain myself. I am doing my best to get better and have finally found some therapy and new medication to help.

However I will say there have been times where my meltdowns were necessary, such as when I got called horrible names and got d*ath threats and saw posts with rumours about me or posts calling me “A disgusting freak who should get fucked.”. I think those ones are worthy of crying over because honestly who wouldn’t, anxiety or not? You would have to be inhumanly strong to feel nothing when dealing with all that.

I have a lot of trauma, even before the few mean girls on tumblr in the Onward fandom. I had been stuck in an abusive platonic relationship for a year and the falling out was rough. She got super vengeful and almost destroyed my life in ways I won’t get into. I had people I looked up too suddenly gaslight me and make fun of a scared teenage me who was seeking help when I felt suicidal. Literally an ENTITE fandom harassed me nonstop. I selfshipped with another character before but a lot of people were angry at me for that. They were so obsessed with their own ships that they saw me as something of an eyesore getting in the way of the ships they like, so they bully me for self shipping with him. Some even tried to manipulate me into self shipping with another character who I had no feelings for and giving up on my fictional ex so he can be shipped with another canon character. My abusive friend tried to do that with me and far worse constantly. The onward fandom actually really supported my self ship for the most part. I have nothing to do with that old fandom anymore but it did turn up on my dash and it was more of the same sort of old chaotic drama. It is literally the most toxic fandom on the fucking planet and it destroyed my love for that show. Hell, I even started blocking any blog related to it I see just to help myself feel safer! Part of why I did deactivate my old DA account was because I wanted to get away from all that. I did have a few fans who wanted me to keep drawing for it but I got threats almost daily as well. I wanted to focus on Onward but many didn’t exactly respect that. There was a lot more to why I deactivated but that’s the gist of it.

I won’t get into more details but you can probably understand where I’m coming from with all this. Trauma and an anxiety disorder don’t mix well AT ALL!

If I had to guess I think that is why I am still so fearful of being online. I fear something will go wrong. Either if it’s another bully or if I make another mistake.

I want to apologise to anyone if I have been annoying, stupid or anything like that. I am doing my best to recover and learn to cope with my mental health bit by bit. I just hope you can understand, forgive me and enjoy your life.

I am still drawing and writing as much as I can while offline. So when I do eventually come back it’s gonna be like an explosive of content from me LOL

I kinda feel like it helps too, it’s so it’s not like “when’s the next part coming, when’s the next part coming?” If I already have the next part ready and in the works. Idk, I’m just trying to figure out how to share my artwork while still managing my mental health.

Sorry for randomly venting, I just really really feel I needed to get it out there desperately. Again, thanks so much for showing me support!

I am definitely fucked up in the head but I am doing my best to move forward, it’s just kind of slow is all but it’s better than nothing right?

[umi-no-onnanoko]