#but :/// thinking about what ventolin said

[angelforstyles]

Lonely (together) Chapter Three

Lillian’s POV

The second I slam the door, I fell to the ground. My heart is pounding, my hands are shaking, my vision is blurry, and I can’t breathe. I’m happy and scared. I want to believe this is just a casual dinner to start a friendship, but I don’t know how normally friendships start. I kick off my heels, walk to my room, take out the oxygen concentrator, and sit on the floor. I close my eyes and think about what happened. The man at the bar, Harry, oh my god Harry. I don’t know how I went to dinner with him, I obviously didn’t think much of it, because it was a big step out of my comfort zone. The way he talked, his hair, his face, his hands, oh my god. I open my eyes when the Ventolin finished. I get up and go wash my body. I don’t know why, but my body is full of heat.

I put on a t-shirt and panties. I sit on my bed with my back to the window and close my eyes again. My body is hot, my apartment has air conditioning so the heat needs to go away. What if I am sick? I don’t want to get sick. I lay down and turned my head towards the window and looked out at the street. Quiet and almost dark. I slept for a while and then woke up at 2 am, the first thought that came to my mind was Harry. I grabbed my phone and opened his chat. I just woke up and I’m not thinking straight, and my body is very hot. Something is wrong.

Me: Are you fine?

Three minutes and then he reply

Harry: I’m good, you okay?.

Me: yes

Harry: Sure?.

Me: How likely are we to be poisoned?

Harry: I don’t feel anything, what do you feel?.

Me: HOT

Harry: Did you throw up?.

Me: No, but i feel so hot, the AC on

Harry: Need me to come?.

Me: No, I just thought there could be possible reasons and this is one of them

Harry: What else do you feel?.

Me: Nothing, just weird feeling in my stomach

Harry: Do you want me to take you to the hospital?.

Me: No It doesn’t hurt but it’s weird

Harry: Are you sure?.

Me: Positive, sorry for texting you so late

Harry: It’s okay. If you need anything text me, if something happens tell me immediately, Ok?.

Me: Yes thank you

Harry: Try to get some rest.

Me: Okay good night <3

Harry: ❤️

My cheeks were hurting from smiling and the heat was increasing, my hands were sweaty. I dont know how I had the nerve to text him AT 2 AM??? He’s cute though. No no and no. I filled the tub with cold water even though I hate taking cold showers but the heat was unbearable. I got naked and got into the tub. I sat for ten minutes then the heat started to disappear. I tried to think of the stars and books as I fought to sit in the cold water. When the water started to become a normal temperature I got out. I went to bed and prayed to sleep peacefully. But the heat comes back. “Uugghhhhh” I thought about calling the girls but hesitated for a moment.

I called Joll , she's the only one who always stays up late, I’ll be her story for three months.

"Lily? Are you okay?" "Yes I just wanted to umm.. are you awake?" "Yes what’s wrong?" "Don't make a joke out of me please" "I won’t just say it"

"I have two topics first or second?" "First?" ,"Oh god okay" I took a deep breath and stat walking around my apartment.

"Two weeks ago or more I can’t remember exactly, I met a guy, we run into each other to be specific. Anyway happened several times over a few days"

"Oh my god, did you lose your virginity? Got your first kiss? Oh my god I’m gonna cry" "No no stop no that’s gross" "You said guy!"

"Yes wait! We ran into each other at a coffee shop and talked for a bit and he took my number and said we should hang out AND quote “like friends do” " "What the hell?"

"He hasn’t talked to me for a week until today.. uhh sorry yesterday at the bar, he said he was busy all week and we should go out to dinner, so I went from the bar to the restaurant, and he was ahhhh, I don't know how but weird? We talked a little and ate and then he paid and offered to take me to my apartment, he didn’t give me a chance to refuse he looked at me like he was going to bite me!. So I said yes. And he took me home"

She was silent for a few seconds "Joll?" "Find a knife give me a minute"

"Joll please" "This is the first topic?" "Uhm" "The second?"

"Ever since I sat at the table with him until now I feel my body cooking from the heat and there is a strange feeling in my stomach it doesn’t hurt but it’s strange! I took a cold shower twice! I don't know what’s happening, the food or the-" "Oh my god Lily"

"What?" "You’re horny" she said slowly what? “Stop please I’m serious” “I’m serious too!” We didn’t talk for a minute.

“Listen, it’s okay if you like a guy and you’re attracted to him, and he doesn't feel the same way, it happens to all of us right? Just focus on yourself for now and don’t let him get too deep inside your head and DONT give him space to take up too much of your time. AND we need the gang meeting tomorrow."

“Okay “ i mumbled, my cheeks so hot. “Thank you Joll, sorry for calling you late “ “none of that baby, sleep and will say when we can meet tomorrow” “Ok bye”

I wanna burn myself.

I've never been horny in my entire life. I can’t even think about it. I've read about sex, I've read about all kinds of sex, I've even bookmarked a lot of chapters that have sex scenes that I like, but... am I really horny? I've never been attracted to anyone, and I'm really scared now.

We met in the afternoon and a lot happened,

one: I never start a conversation with him.

Two: I don't give him much attention.

Three: If he's ugly I have to walk away immediately (don't I think he's ugly? He looks like he came down from heaven).

Four: If he asks me out, I don't dress up too much and show that I really want him. (Do I want him?)

Five: I never touch him and I don't let him touch me.

Six and finally: I don't invite him to my house.

It's not that I've gotten used to him much in my life or gone out with him much, so I can work with the six rules.

Harry’s POV

I don't know what the hell is going on but I'm getting dizzy from the millionth time I've checked our texts. It's 6pm and I'm still in the office. Until I decide to text her and ask her how she's feeling now, it's her day off so.. no I'm not inviting her to anything.

Me: Hi Lillian, how are you feeling now?.

I feel sweat on my forehead, five minutes and then a notification comes.

Angel: Hi Harry, I’m good thanks. How are you?

Me: Good. I wanted to see if you were feeling tired to walk around a bit. The weather is good.

What the hell???? Why did you ask her?

Angel: I'm actually in the library, if you could come over here

Me: That's okay, location?.

Angel: Location.

I went down to the parking lot, took off my jacket and rolled up my shirt sleeves, walked to the library and got out. I stopped for a moment to look at the library, it was small and looked warm. I went inside and there was no one there except the owner, I walked between the shelves until I spotted her standing reading a book. I looked at her for a minute then walked over to her, "Hey" she jumped from the surprise. "Oh hi, I didn't expect you to be here so soon" she said calmly and with a smile. "I'm done here" she mumbled.

She walked to the front of the store and checked out four books, then we left. We walked out in silence and she looked at me, "Um, where to?" The street light was cast on her face and the shadows of her eyelashes were on her cheeks. Her dimples were deep, her lips were so pink and kissable. She wasn't wearing any makeup and looked like a real angel. She was wearing a long-sleeved shirt and regular pants.

She put her books in her tote bag, "Let me carry it" "No need. Thanks." Fuck thanks. “Give me” She looked at me with dreamy or shocked eyes, I couldn't tell exactly. I carried it then we walked quietly for a while, it was almost 7 o'clock.

"How was your day?"

"Nice, I met the girls today too"

"Really? Did you have a good time?"

"Uhm" she nodded "How was your day?"

"Same as any other work day" She nodded and smiled slightly.

There was a coffee shop on the right and her eyes were on it for a few seconds, "How about we get coffee?"

She looked at me with wide eyes and a soft smile, she tilted her head to the side. "Please yes"

She will be the death of me, why is she so polite? Please and thank you all the time I’m going crazy.

We walked into the cafe and ordered, she pulled out her wallet "I'll pay", "Dinner was on you, I'll pay this time, please" her eyes sparkled as she looked at me with her head held high and I felt like she was struggling to hold it up, She’s literally a little higher than the butterfly tattoo. I didn't know if I could convince her to let me pay but I felt it was important to her, "Okay" I said softly. She paid and we sat.

We walked into the cafe and ordered, she pulled out her wallet "I'll pay", "Dinner was on you, I'll pay this time, please" her eyes sparkled as she looked at me with her head held high and I felt like she was struggling to hold it up, She’s literally a little higher than the butterfly tattoo. I didn't know if I could convince her to let me pay but I felt it was important to her, "Okay" I said softly. She paid and we sat.

"Are you seeing anyone?" Her brows furrowed as she looked at me in surprise. She shook her head "I don't like being around people that much" she mumbled.

“Does that mean I’m bothering you?” I said playfully but she looked at me seriously and sadly.

“Why are you saying that?” She said as if she was really hurt. Someone called our number and I got up to get the coffee cups and sat down again. We were next to each other but her face was on the door.

“Hey I didn’t mean to say that, but I really enjoy your company.” She looked at my hands then at my face.

“Are you seeing anyone?” She asked me and I couldn’t help but smile. “No.” We sat for five minutes.

She said, “There’s a park near here”

“Let’s go then” I said. We walked until we arrived and then she spoke.

“I come here a lot, I don’t think anyone knows about this park. I haven’t seen anyone here since I moved—since my first year of college.” “Where were you before college?”

“Out of town” she said in a low voice. I didn’t know if I should continue the subject or change it.

“I’m from London, I came here to study and never came back to England after that, except for Christmas”

she didn’t answer me, “Do you want to sit down?” I said.

We sat down on what was clearly a very old chair.

“I came from London too” she whispered, her voice unreadable.

My heart sank as I remembered the files. “I can tell, your accent is strong” she laughed and took a sip of her coffee.

“I couldn’t change it even when I tried” “It’s okay I think our accent is better, do you agree?” We laughed.

“I’ve never dated anyone before” she said in a low, shy voice, I doubted what I had just heard, “What?”

“Nothing” did I hear right? “Do you want to go back?” Her attitude quickly changed to something uncomfortable.

“Sure” we got back to my car, I offered to drive her, after several attempts to convincing her that it was okay, and she agreed. I drove silently while she looked out the window, "Thanks for the coffee, the walk and the ride." Oh God, I want to shut her up. I didn't do anything, and I'm the one who's supposed to thank her.

“No, thank you,” her cheeks flushed, “Do you want to go out again?” I suggested, “I won’t say no,” her cheeks turning even more red as she looked at me.

“Perfect.” We sat in silence for a few seconds. “Do you want to watch a movie?” I said and she opened her eyes so wide. She looked at me slowly. “Um.. where?” “Your apartment?”

“Um… you— I.. you know I not.” She took a deep breath and said, “I don’t have a TV so… but I have a laptop.”

She whispered, sweat forming above her lips. “It’s okay, but are you okay with me come to your apartment?”

She looked at me for a few seconds but it felt like an eternity.

Doubt in her eyes and her hands were shaking. “I guess it’s okay,” she whispered.

We got out of the car and she put in the code for the door and I saw it.

We entered a hallway and there was only one light. We went up the stairs and there were only two doors facing each other. She took the key out of her bag and turned to say something but stopped.

I entered a vanilla-scented apartment. The living room was open to the kitchen, large library on two walls filled with books and there were also books on the floor, paintings stacked on top of each other and small boxes which I think are colors, and cups full of brushes and pencils.

A mountain of sketchbooks. Two dark red couches. A dining table with six chairs but also filled with books.

The kitchen had two counters, a washing machine, dryer, fridge, oven and cupboard. Then a window between the kitchen and a door (I assume it's her room because it's the only door). Underneath the window was a yoga mat.

She closed the door behind me and then we looked at each other. “What would you like to drink?” She mumbled, “Nothing yet let’s sit down.”

On the coffee table was a laptop and a cup of coffee.

She picked up the cup and went to the kitchen and came out with two water bottles. She handed me one.

“Um, I don’t have a subscription to any sites to watch” she said after a few seconds of hesitation, and her cheeks turned red.

I laughed. “It’s okay. Do you want to watch YouTube?”

She reached out to open her laptop. She opened YouTube and looked at me.

After a few seconds she handed me the laptop and said "Sorry. I'm going to the bathroom".

Why the hell are you apologizing?

I looked at the YouTube page. I started scrolling down until several Barney clips appeared.

Did she watch them? I tried to hold back my laughter but oh god I can't.

I opened an episode that she hadn't watched and stopped it.

She sat next to me after a few minutes and the screen black, "I found something" I said with a smile.

"Let's watch" She said lifting her legs and hugging them.

The video started and I looked at her, her face was darker than the couch. "Harry!!!" She grabbed the laptop and closed it. I laughed loudly as she laughed and tried to cover her face.

"You're so cute." "Stop please" she said burying her face in the couch. "Really? Barney? What else? Teletubbies?" I said amusedly.

“I love Teletubbies, I watched it every day when I was little, don’t bully them” she said with a muffled voice.

We laughed harder, “Are you serious? You watch Teletubbies now?”

“Nooo!!!!” I pulled her hand, it was the first time I touched her, our laughter stopped when we realized, she was looking at me with watery eyes and red cheeks.

“It’s okay I won’t laugh at you” I removed my hand from hers, “Don’t judge me, it’s been a while since I last watched it”

“I would never judge you, it’s okay if you like it and still watch it, you know?” She put her hands over her eyes, “Stop please, I’m embarrassed enough” “Hey it’s okay”, she took a drink of water then looked up.

“I need the bathroom, where is it?”

“In my room,” she mumbled, then pointed behind us, “over there.”

I got up and went in, pink walls, a bed under the window in the corner of the room, a white bedspread with red hearts and flowers, opposite a small desk.

In the corner next to the door a closet, then next to the door a dresser and a full-length mirror, between the desk and the dressing table is the bathroom door.

I went in and closed the door, a bathtub, a toilet and a sink, everything is normal.

But the small details, "One Day at a Time" written in small letters on the mirrors with a red pen. A red toothbrush, skin care products in the sink. On the bathtub, body wash, shampoo and a red loofah.

Behind the door a red robe and red towels.

“What's with the red?”

I finished and went out, to find her in the kitchen. I went in and she was putting clean dishes in the cabinets. "Um, do you want something to eat?" she said when she noticed me standing.

"What do you have?" "Um" she opened the fridge, "Fruits, milk, heavy cream” closed the fridge “chips, cereal, pasta." She looked at me, her eyes were full of guilt.

“I don’t think any of those are good choices for dinner, but what about pasta?” I said in a thoughtful voice, “I have a delicious recipe” I said again.

“I don’t have chicken” she said embarrassed. “Who needs chicken, let’s get started” she pulled out a red pot

“Wait, why is everything around the apartment red?” I said in a cheerful but genuinely curious voice. “I like the color red,” she said shyly and took out pasta from the cupboard, “One enough?” she said.

“If you didn’t want to invite the neighbors, then yes” I said as I took out the cream from the fridge.

“I don’t have neighbors,” she mumbled.

She opened the bag and was about to put it in the pot but it fell from her hands and scattered on the floor. “Oh my God,” she said sadly as she picked it up from the floor.

I went down to pick it up with her, “You have to be careful”

We picked it up and put it on a plate then she washed it with water, "Why are you washing it?" I laughed, "It was on the room it got dirty!" We laughed.

We started with the cream then mixed it up. We put it on the plates (red by the way) with red-handled forks. We sat on the couch since the dining table was full.

"Every time I say I'll buy a new bookcase for the scattered books and I haven't done it yet" she said with a touch of embarrassment in her voice.

"You have so many books, have you read them all?" "Uhm" she mumbled.

We ate in silence looking at the living room. We finished and I took her plate and washed them after several arguments about who’s going to wash the dishes.

It was almost ten o'clock so as we were leaving the kitchen I said to her, "I'll go" I said quietly “thank you for the coffee, walk and dinner” I said calmly but in a cheerful tone.

She turned to me and looked sadly then mumbled "welcome" she looked away, her face turned red.

I think it will become my favorite color.

We walked to the door and as I was about to leave she called me quietly "Harry" I turned to her and she came to hug me. Her hands were around my waist because she couldn't reach my shoulders.

I laughed and removed her hands from me and went down until I was at her height and put my hands on her waist, and her hands on my shoulders.

She hugged me for a minute. The most beautiful scent I have ever smelled in my life. Warm, cold, comforting and so sweet. The softness of her hair on my face, makes me wanna stay here forever.

I feel her breasts pressing against my chest. Then she pulled away and cleared her throat. "Bye" she whispered as she looked down. I went down the stairs and raised my head and saw her looking at me. When our eyes connected for a second, she entered the apartment and closed the door.

I couldn't believe what had happened. I don't know how I didn't think of anything, but my mind was floating in another world the entire time I was with him.

It was like I was outside of my body, and there were things in my stomach made me press my face into my pillow and laugh so hard my cheeks were sore.

I sat in bed for four hours until I fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later and went to work. All I could think about was Harry. I opened my phone and argued with myself about whether to send him a message. Until I built up the courage and sent it.

Me: Thanks for spending last night with me, It’s was so much fun <3

After five minutes he answered

Harry: Always princess.

Princess?? I can’t breathe.

Nothing happened and I haven't seen Harry for the past two days but he texted me yesterday asking how I was. Today I stopped by the grocery store after work (I was tired and wanted to sleep because I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and couldn't sleep again but I wanted to bake a cake for Harry)

I went into the grocery store and got the cake ingredients. I went back to my apartment and baked the cake. I made vanilla frosting and cut up the strawberries.

I made two layers of frosting and strawberries then covered the cake with frosting and put strawberries on top. It was a small round cake that was enough for two people but I will give him the whole cake.

It was about 6 when I finished so I decided to text him right away.

Me: Hi Harry

I walked around the living room until he answered after two minutes.

Harry: Hi princess.

Princess “God Harry”

Me: How are you? Harry: Great princess. How are you?. Me: Great! Me: How was your day? Harry: Don’t ask. How’s yours?. Me: I almost fall asleep three times at work Harry: No way! You need to get more rest, princess. Me: What are you up for now? Harry: Business dinner unfortunately, in about an hour. Why? Me: Can you come after? I made you a cake and I want you to take it with you. Harry: Yummy from now my dessert is ready. I change my mind about today. Me: Have fun Harry

I went to take a shower and put on a t-shirt and shorts, I read a book until an hour passed, I went to the window and sat there watching the street. After twenty minutes Harry texted me

Harry: I’m coming to you princess.

Me: Waiting for you

I saw his car parking outside, I went to the fridge, took the cake box, ran down the stairs, and opened the door before he got out of the car. When he saw me, he smiled, and I felt so stupid. My cheeks were so hot as he approached in his navy suit, long hair, and tired face. I wanted to hug him and take care of him.

“Hi princess “ The first time I heard him say it, he took my breath away and I don't know if I can stand anymore.

He came closer to me and opened hands for me to hug him. I went but I had the box in my hand so I couldn't hug him properly. He took the box from me so I could hug him with both my hands.

About two minutes passed and we still didn't move. "Shall we eat the cake now?" he whispered in my ear. "Noo I made it for you”

"Because it's mine I want to eat it with you."

I let go and looked down until he came in and closed the door and took my hand in his and walked in front of me upstairs.

My body shudders, he held my hand? It's the first time I've ever let someone hold my hand. And for some unknown reason I feel comfortable with it.

We entered the apartment and he closed the door behind him, "How was dinner?" I said in a low voice as I followed him to the kitchen. "Annoying, I wished I was somewhere else," he said as he took out the plates, spoons and knife.

"Did you have dinner?" he asked. We sat down "umm" "What did you have?" "Sandwich and fruit."

"I think you had a better time at dinner than me, I'm jealous."

He took off his jacket and unbuttoned his shirt until only two were left. I felt heat running through my body as I saw the tattoos on his chest and stomach.

Two birds and a butterfly.

I want to remember them so I can draw them later. They look so beautiful. Even his hand tattoo I only saw a little but it was breathtaking with his veins showing, I wanted to— “How far have you gotten to?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Huh?” “What are you thinking?” He smiled. “Nothing” I said as I looked at the cake. “Let’s cut it.”

He cut two pieces, put them on plates and gave me one. “It looks delicious,” he said and ate it. I ate. “Oh my God, the best cake I’ve ever tasted in my life,” he said. “Don’t exaggerate.” “I’m serious! It’s so good!”

We finished and the whole time he complimented my baking and how talented I am. He said he was going to the bathroom so I carried the dishes to the kitchen and brought him a bottle of water.

When he came back I sat down and he drank a little then asked me "Do you draw?" "Umhm" "Show me."

I hesitated if I should show him or not. I don't like anyone to see what I draw, not even my friends. I looked at him with his hands behind his head and he looked at me with a soft smile, deep dimples, and a little hair from his beard and mustache starting to grow.

His hair is a little greasy, I want to tell him to change the shampoo and use— "Where did you go?" He said in a very sweet tone. "Okay," I whispered and got up. "Just a little." I said looking at my notebooks.

I took two and walked over to him, I could smell him and see his chest rise and fall.

I opened the first notebook and showed him, he was silent at first. “I never thought I’d like art but this?” He said as he ran his fingers over one of the pages. “I’m speechless.” My cheeks burned.

We finished the first notebook and I grabbed the second one, it was small and didn’t cover my thigh and Harry’s hand was very close, after a few minutes his wrist brushed my thigh and I felt my lower stomach throb.

We finished the second notebook and then he looked at me with a tired expression on his face, "Show me more" he said in a sleepy voice.

"Are you tired?" I asked in a low voice looking at him, our faces were close. We looked at each other for a while and then he said "A little, but I can sit for a while more", "No Harry go home and sleep" I didn't want him to go but his face was really tired, it hurt to see him like this. “Okay princess”

He said but he didn't move yet, I smiled at him then got up and pulled his hand "If you don't sleep and go to work like this, your boss will fire you" I said, and he looked at me as if I insulted him.

I let go of his hand and looked down, “Bye princess" he hugged me for a few seconds then left. I felt embarrassed immediately, I didn't know what was wrong but it wasn't good.

A few days later I woke up with the first signs of a migraine starting to appear, and period pain eating me up. I got ready for work and went. Three hours passed and the pain was unbearable. I excused myself and left early. I took a car home because I can't walk in the light. I got to my apartment and went to take a shower because I would be bedridden for at least two days. This was the least severe pain I would experience for the next three days.

I closed the curtain and buried my head under the pillow. The pain become more intense. The air became cold but my body started to sweat. I felt that I was asleep but awake at the same time.

After a few hours I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I woke up and saw nothing. I ran to the bathroom to empty my stomach but nothing came out. I went to bed and fell asleep again and did not notice the time. I felt my phone on the nightstand. I woke up and realized that it was ringing.

I didn't answer so the call was cut off, but it rang again and I started to feel hot tears streaming down my face from the pain. I answered without seeing who was calling, "Hmm?" "Lillian? Why haven't you answered my messages since yesterday?" Harry's voice rings in my head. Yesterday?

“I was sleeping” I said, unable to hear my voice from the pain. “Are you okay?” “Hmm.” “What’s wrong?” he said, his voice lower this time.

“Just tired” I said. “Are you sick?” “It seems so, I’ll be fine tomorrow.” I said, my body throbbing with pain, my eyes burning and my tears soaking the pillow.

“I’m coming,” “No Harry,” I say in a small voice I didn’t know I had. “Do you have a key outside your apartment?” “Um, top the door.”

“Are you okay if I come?” “Yes, you don’t have to.” We sit in silence for a couple of minutes but I hear the car engine but it’s very quiet. “See you soon princess” he hangs up.

Harry’s POV

I texted her last night if she was free for dinner. But she didn't reply till midnight so I went to bed when I woke up she didn't reply either so I started to worry at first then my thoughts turned to her not wanting to hang out.

It's been a few days since I've seen her but we've texted a few times. I've tried to distract myself with work but I'm done and she still hasn't replied so I'm really starting to panic.

What if she gets hurt? What if someone hurts her?

I texted her again and she didn't answer so I called, she didn't answer either, I called back as I was leaving the company building.

She answered. My heart started beating faster afraid to hear what was happening. And when I heard her voice my heart broke into a hundred pieces.

She was obviously tired and sick, so I quickly stopped by the grocery store since her fridge was pathetic.

I grabbed pre-made sandwiches, quick soup, water, snacks, fruits and vegetables. I stopped by the pharmacy too and picked up a painkiller and a fever reducer just in case. I stopped at her apartment. I typed in the code, looked for the key and got in.

The apartment was pitch black, I turned on the light. I put the groceries on the kitchen table and ran to her room with water and painkillers. She was curled up in her bed, very small.

I knelt down next to her. “Hi princess” I said, stroking her hair. “Hmm” She didn’t move so I got up, pulled down my jacket and tried to lift her upper body.

I couldn’t see her face because the light coming from outside the room was very dim. “What’s happening?” She didn’t say anything but gasped and cried, I held her cheek, it was drenched in tears. I took tissues and wiped her face and put her head on my chest and shook her a little. She didn’t have a fever.

"Talk to me, my princess” She cried quietly but her body was shaking. Then she raised her head and whispered, "Bathroom."

I pushed the blanket away and put her feet on the floor. She was only wearing a t-shirt and panties.

We walked to the bathroom and she clinging to me. I turned on the light and let her in and said in a low voice, "I'll be outside when you're done just let me know."

I closed the door and waited. I didn't know what was wrong with her but she was very tired.

After a few minutes she opened the door and I saw her face for the first time in days. Dark circles and red eyes, her face was very tired and swollen from crying.

I took her to the bed and my back against the headboard. I thought she would lie down next to me, but she lay on me with her head in my neck. I patted her back lightly, her sobs muffled.

She finally spoke. “I have a severe migraine, my period is due tomorrow.”

My heart sank and I felt a deep pain in my chest. “Oh my princess.”

I shook her a little and then asked, "When was the last time you ate?" "Donno”, “I brought fruit and sandwiches for us to eat what we think hmmm?"

She shook her head no. “stomach hurts,” she said and then her voice broke with sobs. “Shhh”

“Did you take a painkiller?” She shook her head. “I can’t remember when.”

“When was the last time you woke up?” “I came home from work and slept” she said. “Today?” “Yesterday” she said, then clung to me tightly.

I reached for the box beside the bed and took out two pills and opened the water bottle. “Be good and swallow them for me.” She raised her head after a few moments.

She took a pill, then brought the water to her mouth while holding my hand. She took the other one, then put her head on my neck.

Her cries subsided after half an hour. I looked at the clock it was around 7:30.

I fell asleep when I felt she was asleep.

Woke up at 5 am I texted my assistant that I wouldn't be in the office today. Lillian was clinging to me and forced myself out of bed. I went to the bathroom, then to the kitchen, got out sandwiches, made pancakes, put fruit on and put them on the coffee table with two cups of coffee. I don't think she will drink, but it doesn't hurt to try.

I went to bed "princess? Come on get up I made us breakfast" she groaned.

"Nooo leave me alone" she said and put her head under the pillow. I laughed then tried to get her out from under the blanket.

"Come on for me" "My head hurts don't talk" she said angrily I had never seen her angry before.

"You need to eat I'm not asking" She raised her head "Go. Away" "Really?" I removed the blanket and flipped her and carried her to the living room.

"Nooo everything hurts why" she cried. "Hey hey" I sat on the couch with her on top of me. "We'll go back to bed after we eat okay?" I said holding her chin while she closed her eyes and tears were falling.

The t-shirt was short and her pink panties covered nothing. I wanted so badly to kiss her and tell her everything was gonna be fine but I couldn't.

She nodded and I took a fork and cut a piece of the pancake and held it to her mouth, she looked at me with tired sleepy eyes then opened her mouth a little. She ate it then buried her head in my neck. "Enough"

"You need to eat more than one bite" "But I don't want to" she cried.

I don't know what to do but she really needs to eat. "If you don't eat I won't hang out with you anymore". She raised her head and started eating until she finished then whispered "Bed please" I carried her to the bed then we lay down.

"Are you still going to hang out with me?" she said in a very small voice, my heart broke and I regretted my earlier threat.

"Of course princess, I don't enjoy being with anyone but you" I said and kissed her cheek for the first time. "more please" "What more princess?"

"Kiss" Oh my god " I'll kiss you all the time if that's what you want, hmm?" "Harry" she whined and her face turned red as I kissed her on the cheek several times. "I want to sleep" she said "Okay princess"

When noon came, I needed to change my clothes, and she was fast asleep clinging to me. I tried to untie her limbs from me and went to my house.

I put Grey a lot of food and went upstairs to take a shower and change my clothes.

I settled on shorts and a black t-shirt. I packed a small bag of clothes and went back to her apartment.

When I entered her room, she was sitting on the edge of the bed hugging her legs and crying.

I put the bag on the floor and walked over to her and sat in front of her on the floor. “What happened?”

“You left” she said and I pulled her to my chest.

She was wearing shorts now. “I didn’t leave you, Princess. I went to get my clothes and shower, you don’t want a guy with dirty clothes in your bed, do you?” She laughed and cried. “No”

We sat in silence for a while and then she said. “You didn’t go to work, I’m sorry”

“None of that. I’d rather be with you than go to work”

“I didn’t go to work either, they’re going to fire me soon” she said, tightening her arms around me. “I think it’s time to quit” I whispered and kissed her forehead “I’m sorry” she cried.

Lillian’s POV

When I woke up I didn't find Harry next to me, I assumed he was in the living room, I went to the bathroom and my pants were ruined, my period had come. I went to get clean clothes and changed.

Then I went to the living room but he wasn't there. I went to bed and cried, I thought he didn't want to stay with me anymore.

But after a few minutes he came. He hold me "My stomach hurts."

"How can I help hm?" "Donno."

"Lie down." He said quietly and I did. "Can I lift your clothes up?" I would have accepted anything from him at this point. "Yes please." I said closing my eyes.

He lifted my shirt and disappeared into the bathroom for a few seconds. He came back with body oil. I closed my eyes again.

Then suddenly he placed his warm hands on my lower stomach and started to rub it slowly. My breathing became shallow from the contact. I wanted more but didn't say anything.

After half an hour he stopped and I opened my eyes. He smiled. "How are you feeling now?" “Better,” he kissed my forehead then went back to work on my stomach.

I fell asleep and didn’t notice him stop.

I woke up next to him, he was on his phone. I groaned from the weight of my body.

“Hey Princess, are you okay?” “Uhm bathroom.” He pulled away from the side and made me walk to the bathroom.

I changed my pad, washed my face and got out while he sat on the edge of the bed.

“time?” “Four in the afternoon.” He said calmly as I walked to the closet and pulled out socks because my feet were freezing.

I sat on the bed and bent down to put them on. “Give me” he took the socks from my hand and went down to put them on me. My stomach fluttered. “Thank you”

“Are you hungry? Let's order some food" he said as he sat next to me again. "Okay"

We lay down again as he told me the food options. "What do you want?" I can't choose. "I don't know, you choose if you excuse now" I said as I covered my face with the blanket.

"Did you know that you can't run away from anything even if you cover your face?" He said as he laughed.

"Stop," I said angrily. "Okay, burger or pizza?" Nooooo, I like them both. "Anything," he removed the cover from my face and looked at me seriously. "Burger or pizza?" "Anything, Harry," the tears started to fall. "Hey, I'm sorry, shhh" he said as he wiped my tears. "Okay, I'll order pizza" "No I want burger huff" i was pissed

“Umm” he mumbled looking at his phone. After a few minutes he turned to me and said “half an hour and it will be there.” We sat quietly.

After half an hour Harry went down to get the food, and when he got up he came to the bed “Let’s go eat.”

He took my hand and we walked to the living room.

We sat down and Harry opened the food and handed it to me. “Do you want anything from the kitchen?” I shook my head no.

We finished eating and Harry carried the bags to the kitchen.

He came back with a blanket and covered me. “Do you want to watch something?” I shook my head no.

We sat for a while he was on his phone and my head on his lap.

I fell asleep and when I woke up it was midnight and Harry was sleeping next to me on my bed. I got up to go to the bathroom then went to get water and sat on the couch.

I sat until 5 am and then Harry woke up. "Are you okay? You scared me when I couldn't find you in bed."

Something fluttered in my stomach. "I couldn't sleep anymore." "When did you wake up?" "Midnight."

He sat beside me. "You have to go to work, I don't want to bother you anymore."

"You’re not bothering me, I wanted to stay with you." We sat in silence and then he got up and made coffee and came back with fruits and toast with cream and honey.

“Thanks for the stuff you brought."

"No need to thank me."

We ate quietly until the sun came out. Harry got up to go to the bathroom and came back.

"I'm going to work but I'll be out early to come to you, if anything happens or you need anything message me, okay?" He said as he kneeled in front of me and his hands on mine.

I nodded. "Thank you" I murmured. He kissed my head and left.

I wrote a resignation letter and sent it to my work email.

I know I’ll regret it. I’ve been working all the time since I was fourteen. I wanted a break. No I needed it.

I closed my laptop and went to the shower. When I got out to get dressed I found a black bag, Harry’s clothes.

It felt strange to see his belongings in my apartment. His suit jacket on the office chair. My body burned from the sight.

After a few hours send me a message.

Harry: How are you now princess?. Me: Much better Harry: I have a lot of work to do. I might be late. Are you good with that?. Me: Yes, Harry, take your time. Don't rush. Harry: Do you want me to order you something to eat? Me: No, thank you. I'm really fine

Harry came a few hours later, I told him to go home and that I was fine now. He didn't stay long.

I stayed up late then had a little nap and woke up in the morning. I got an email from work that my resignation had been accepted and to go pack my stuff.

I went and packed it then went back to the apartment. The girls planned to meet at Joll and Ami’s house.

Harry texted me while I was getting ready.

Harry: Dinner? Me: I will meet with my friends, sorry😢 Harry: It’s Ok princess. Do you want me to drop you off?. Me: No thank you Harry <3 Harry: Have fun princess ❤️.

I was nervous if I should tell the girls what happened between Harry and I, since I broke their rules.

I wore black jeans with a white top. I put on light makeup and went out. I took a car to their house.

I rang the bell and Ami opened the door. We hugged each other and went to the living room. The guys were sitting on one side and the girls on the other side talking. I hugged all the girls, said hi to the guys then we sat down.

Each one said what happened to them in the past weeks.

Then it was my turn to say if there was anything going on with me. The water I drunk minutes ago rose to my throat.

“Um, I quit today,” I mumbled as I looked at my hands, they all looked at me waiting for me to continue.

The men’s conversations on the other end had quieted down so I felt even more nervous. “I need some rest.”

I have never sat a single week without work. Even on holidays.

Since i was 14. But no one needs to know.

I said and hoped someone would say something, until Sarah spoke up "Of course we support everything"

Ami now "Are you sure everything is okay? You just need to rest right?" I nodded

Joll spoke after a few seconds, "Sooo, what happened with the guy?" (I refused to tell them his name). My cheeks flushed and I wanted to hide when I remembered how I was with him the past few days.

“Guy? Since when did you start seeing guys?” Joll’s boyfriend Jack said teasingly. “Shut up,” Joel said.

“What happened?” Ami whispered. “Nothing but everything gets better i guess?” “Like what?” Mei said.

“We cooked dinner together. He made me breakfast. We had lunch once. Nothing more.” I skipped the details behind the meals.

One of the guys said, "It seems like the man likes to eat" The guys laughed and Sarah shouted at them, "You all are disgusting."

She got up and told us to go to the kitchen. We went and sat down.

"I had my period and I was in pain, so he rubbed my belly." I said shyly, wishing the ground would swallow me.

Their eyes widened in shock, but no one spoke.

Joll spoke, and she seemed to recover faster than the rest. "Are you saying that he touched your belly without clothes? Or did you get naked for him? Did he force you?"

"Nooo! I just showed a little bit of my belly. And I was in so much pain I didn't think much of it."

Sarah spoke after me. "Wait, you're saying that you took him into your apartment?" My body burned, and it seemed dangerous to reveal more details.

"Yes, once," I said, the guilt of lying to them washing over me. They looked at me to confess.

"He slept with me for two nights until I recovered from my headache and period." I said so fast, covering my face. "YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY?!" Ami screamed so loud, "Shhh!" I whispering

Meii said, "My head hurts. I can't believe that innocence is slowly slipping away from you."

"We didn't do anything! I was bedridden. I didn’t wake up for more than four hours in three days!" I said madly.

“Sorry but you guys are really weird,” Sarah said.

I covered my face again. “Please stop.”

We went back to the living room when William said with a smug smile, “Someone had sex for the first time.” I couldn’t take it anymore and covered my face and ran out of the living room. The girls followed me and we sat in the kitchen again.

We talked about random things and never mentioned Harry. They ordered pizza and we ate and no one bothered me again.

Plea tell me what you think :3

[danilovesivars]

Nothing Makes Sense

If you’ve been following our journey on Facebook or GoFund Me that’s probably what directed you here. People have asked me to keep writing but it didn’t seem appropriate to keep using the updates page on GoFund Me and Facebook just didn’t seem like the right platform forever so I have looped back to an old blog page. This blog had lots of purposes. It first was used to document the journey of Ivars and I through our engagement.  Then it was used to document the first year of Riley’s life. All happy things. Now it’s being used for grief. I hid the old posts and I'm using this now to share my thoughts when I’m in pain. Things make no sense. Life makes no sense anymore. I have all this free time and I don't like it. It isn't supposed to be free time. This is supposed to be my time with you. I'm not even crying anymore. I just feel exhausted and so very confused. I can't understand how it's been 3 weeks since I took you into the hospital. I can’t understand why you never came home. I think I’m back in that denial phase. I forgot I had an appointment today about my sleep. I told the person that none of the sleep stuff seemed relevant anymore and why so we cancelled our appointment. She sent off a note to our doctor. The doctor called back. The hospital hadn't sent any information so she had no idea you spent two weeks there and that you were gone. The next thing I knew I was giving a short recap of what happened but my head was vividly remembering it all. What ifs began taking hold. I remember getting there and trying to find parking and noticing in my mirror you looked like you were losing consciousness and terror hitting me. There's a few dings on the car that we noticed since being there and it may have been from me trying to squeeze in a tight spot by a pole in the garage. I didn't think I hit anything but who knows. I would have done everything to save you. I remember you not freaking out when we got on the elevator. You hate elevators. I remember telling the triage nurse that. I remember him asking if the colour of your skin looked normal and I said no he looks green. I remember him calmly checking your vitals then telling me he wanted to go to another room with a more accurate machine. As we walked into that room I noticed the door said resuscitation room. He hooked you up to another machine and before I knew it the room was full of people. Some were residents. They were asking questions and giving you Ventolin and trying to get you to tolerate the oxygen mask. That was the first time you fought anything that day. I remember seeing Daddy find us... I remember staring at him with fear. I remember that the last time I saw you conscious you were terrified. I tried to reassure you. I tried to let you know we were there and this was going to help you. I don’t imagine you could understand that though not just because of age but also because of the oxygen level at that point. I hate to think you were wondering why we weren’t stopping these strangers. I hope that your last memory of us was not that. I feel like I want to keep writing but I just don’t even know anymore. Everything feels wrong. Riley noticed it too. We tried going to the movies yesterday and indigos and she fell apart in both places. Saying those exact words at Indigos. Nothing is right everything feels wrong. I don’t want to have time to write. Having this time hurts. You and I should be snuggled up having a nap right now. I’m exhausted so I’ll probably have one but it won’t be a good one. It hasn’t been since you’ve been gone. Today just feels like a day of repeatedly saying “this makes no sense.” Littered with curse words though. Saying “I don’t get it”. Saying “It’s not real” Just what the fuck.

[ajoytobeheld]

Oh our lives (San Francisco)

April 16th, 2009

I have no idea how on earth we got ourselves into this situation. Three years ago we formed a band through boredom and thinking we could be better than the bands that played first on at every gig we went to at Cardiff Barfly. Now, April 2009, I wake up in the same hotel as Glasvegas, with a stinking hangover, after an evening of party with Sky Larkin, Yoni Wolf, Girls and drag queens. Thank you for enabling us to do this. I swear we are making the most of it.

Some Notes…

We’ve never been able to spend as much time in SF as we’d like to.

Show was rad. I owe a massive, massive thank you to Vanessa, who came through with the ventolin, which means I can get as drunk in the desert as I want, and not have to worry about dying (through an asthma attack. Alcohol poisoning or melting is still very much a possibility).

Our Tour Manager, Joke Puleo, has had the pleasure of touring with Why? in the past, when they’ve supported Yo La Tengo.  Subsequently, Yoni made the trip from Oakland to come hang out and watch us play. He’s a lovely, funny man, and in ultimate flattery, he wanted our record after the show.

Also in attendance were our pals Girls. They’re signed to the label I mentioned being “involved with”, the other day. They’re San Fran residents so were able to tell us the cool hangouts to go after the show. Choice had to be made between Paradise Lounge or the Eagle. An employee of the Paradise place described the Eagle as “butt-fucking, hairy chests”, so that’s where we headed. Girls are the best people. They’re touring the UK soon, so I get to see them play at Bristol Dot To Dot Festival. Very excited.

Really fun drag act, called Anna Conda. Me and Doug chatted with her lots afterwards, and she knew our band. She thought Ellen was the girl from the Ting Tings though.

When we got back to the hotel, Neil heard some Scotch people talking, so he did the British thing and went and spoke to them. It was only motherfucking Glasvegas.  He said they were very friendly, but me and Neil were mostly just jealous because they had an entourage of girls with them, and we just end up alone in our rooms every night, talking about mexican food or Football Manager. Also, someone from Glasvegas has a shared library (Glas Vegas’ Library) on iTunes (shared librarys annoy me generally) and they only had two Cocteau Twins albums (Treasure, and Heaven And Las Vegas), which I thought was strange (I think that’s just based on them being Scottish and wearing black a lot). They did have TWO mp3s of Caravan Of Love by The Housemartins though, which redeemed them in my eyes.  And yes, nice people, I hope their show in SF tonight goes really well.

Sky Larkin have left us now, to go back to Yorkshire. We first played with them in Bradford, on September 13 2006, and have remained the best of friends (or perhaps Awesome Pals) since. They are amazing people and an amazing band, and we love them dearly. Me and Katie were debating last night whether if we pretended to be going out it would make us get more famous. I cannot speak highly enough of them.

WE’RE NOW DRIVING TOWARDS COACHELLA, WORKING OUT WHAT SONGS WE SHOULD PLAY AND TALKING ABOUT ANIMALS’ MENSTRUATION CYCLES. VERY EXCITED!! ABOUT BOTH THINGS!!!

THANK YOU FOR LETTING US DO THESE THINGS!!

[awnterslder]

“just  because  you’re  good  at  something  doesn’t  mean  you  have  to  do  it.”

[starcitysirens]

So I kind of accidentally helped trigger a bit of a freak out in the Buckynat fandom for calling out Jackson Lanzing on twitter yesterday. Whoops.

I'm talking about this exchange >> click me

Anyway, this is giving me an excuse to word vomit about my feelings about Man on the Wall so whatever.

I said yesterday that every time Lanzing mentions how important the Kot/Rudy Winter Soldier run is to him (especially re: the upcoming Cap run), I start sweating, and I think that's a common response since most Bucky fans I know hate that run. I wanted to ask him directly what it is about that comic that speaks to him but I didn't wanna come off as confrontational, so I didn't.

So, I'm going to attempt to parse it out.

So far he's said:

"A huge part of our story is about taking Steve out of the superhero game and into something resembling normal life."

And about Bucky he said: "And on the Bucky side, Higgins/Reis looms large as groundwork for the character as he walks into our story. And I've been pretty open about how the Kot/Rudy run completely changed up my view of Bucky as a character, so consider that one required reading."

So the common thread I see here is 'a life beyond duty'. Second Chances was Bucky's attempt at having a somewhat normal life. Moreover, the story revolved about Bucky facilitating other people walking away from bad situations in order to start over as civilians. We also know from Devil's Reign: Winter Soldier that he just gave up this happy ending in order to learn the truth about his past.

So this brings me to Man on the Wall.

On paper, Man on the Wall has a fascinating concept. Consider where Bucky is, emotionally, when he takes the job. He's been chasing personal redemption for a while, and it hasn't quite worked out. His run as Cap ended poorly. He tried to find redemption by reclaiming the Winter Soldier, and that also ended badly; he not only lost Natasha, but he went to such dark places in that run, that while attempting to redeem "the Winter Soldier", he wound up corrupting himself. And then Fury's offer comes along and he's quick to snatch it. And there's nothing redemptive about it, it's resignation. It's him saying, this is what I've done all my life, doing the dirty work is all I’m good for, (he did it for Steve back in the day, after all), what I am is a soldier, and a killer. And yeah, there is some aspect of nobility here, as in doing the wrong thing for the right reasons, but ultimately it's an escalation. And a regression of sorts.

That’s where he is when he arrives at Mer-Z Bow and meets Ventolin. 

Overall, I found that run to be difficult to follow and connect to, for multiple reasons, but the point it was trying to make is summarized in that last panel:

Just because this is what you’ve always done, it doesn’t mean it’s who you have to be for the rest of your life, you can open yourself up to new avenues. And that is beautiful. And I would’ve loved to see Bucky wrestle with that idea while doing Fury’s dirty work.

The problem is, that's not what happens in this book. Mostly because Bucky spends the bulk of this run with very little agency in the plot, because all he does is just stand there and look pretty. Like, literally, I'm not even exaggerating. Daisy Johnson sees more action. Cause, when it comes down to it, the main character of this book is not our Bucky, it's the Old Man Bucky from that future/different universe. This comic is like that Chris Pratt and J. Law movie Passengers, in that it's supposed to be a space romance, but it's really just a psychological thriller. There's this great Youtube video where someone explores how the story changes if we edit the movie so that it starts when J.Law's character wakes up and that we, the audience, find out Chris Pratt woke her up on purpose at the same time she does and we get to feel the real horror of what he did.

That’s how I feel about this comic.

Sure, I know I have my biases because I’m a buckynat fan, but I’m also pretty ship neutral and can be up for anything as long as you sell it to me. The thing is, I never bought Bucky and Ventolin’s love story because Kot never actually showed it to me. I don’t know why they’re in love (I mean, we barely even see them interact, to be honest). Actually, if I’m remembering this correctly, neither does Bucky, he just feels it because he had a dream. A dream that we are not privy to. A dream that may or may not have been psychically sent to him via Old Man Bucky. And this is where things get icky for me, because it brings up issues of consent. 

This comic was a bit confusing but I think it’s fair to interpret it this way. A version of Bucky somewhere in the universe wound up in Mer-Z Bow, fell in love and found peace. And now that Bucky is out there making sure every Bucky gets his happy ending. He directly interferes with our Bucky’s life. And I think Bucky has had enough of people messing about with his agency. But no one ever brings this up in the text. Bucky has feelings he can’t explain and he just goes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So Jackson Lanzing says he’s a Ventolin stan and my first reaction is lol, why. But I think it might be more about the idea of what Ventolin represented: the possibility of a life beyond the duty of being a soldier.

And I’m okay with that conceit being explored by a better writer than Ales Kot. I think Kot came up with a great idea, he just didn’t understand Bucky well enough to do anything really meaningful with it.

Devil’s Reign is setting up major retcons for Bucky. We don’t know the extent of it yet. But we at least know Bucky will be wrestling with issues of choice and consent again, cause it looks like he was groomed to be a killer his whole life. And that’s gotta be brutal, especially if it turns out his parents were in on it, thus destroying the memory of his family, too. 

And to circle this back to buckynat, I get the feeling Lanzing (and maybe Kelly) might think that relationship belongs to a specific moment in Bucky’s life, years that are associated with great darkness. And that in a way, as long as they are together, then they’ll never really leave the Red Room (psychologically speaking). If the idea is having Bucky move on from the life that was chosen for him, then I can see them not touching it. That doesn’t mean I agree with that, I’m just speculating at to possible reasonings.

Anyway, I rambled for long enough.

[daddychims]

Offside Pt 19 [M]

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19

Series Masterlist!

Genre: Smut, Soccer AU, College AU

Pairings: Soccer Player! Jungkook X Sports Trainer! Reader

Word Count: 2k

Other BTS members all make a cameo as well because I’m an OT7 Trash!

You work as a sports trainer, providing basic first aid and injury management for the Hanguk University’s soccer team. Going with your mundane life of caring for the dozen of guys hurting themselves in the soccer game takes a turn when one of the guys catches your eyes. It’s not his breathtakingly good looks or his muscular athletic body usually seducing girls at the campus that catches your eyes. But the action plan in your kit, indicating he is diagnosed with Asthma is what draws your eyes time and time again to the Golden Boy of Hanguk University.

Warning: Slow burn, eventual smut, Taehyung being a freaking tease the whole time, Also Jimin not letting the female MC live for one day, Fuckboy!Jungkook, Asthmatic! Jungkook , mentions of episodes of Asthma, Take your Ventolin kids, Take your medications kids!

AN. when I said slowburn, I really delivered :) First smut after 18 chapters, youre welcome!

You gasp as the guy, lifts you off the floor in an effortless manner, slinging your legs around him as he walks back inside the locker room. Your arms naturally grip on his muscular shoulders for balance, while your lips try to follow his lead blindly as you indulge in the feeling of his soft lips.

He separates his lips as he pushes you against the wall in one of the changing rooms, holding you up with one hand while the other closes and locks the door behind you. Your eyes widen as you start to register what’s about to happen as the guy places you back on your feet.

“I think we should do something about this first,” he states with a husky tone, hands travelling down to the hem of Jimin’s jersey as he whispers “I really don’t like this on you!” he says before pulling the jersey over your head in a quick manner, your arms automatically following his action as he disrobes you.

“That’s better,” he smirks, throwing the jersey to the side before holding your cheeks and muttering “Now I can actually focus on how beautiful you are when you scream my name.”

“J-Jeon,” you call, arms moving up to hold against his chest in a defensive manner “I-I can’t-“

“You cant?” He raises an eyebrow “Or you don’t want to?”

“I-“ you hesitate, mulling over his question for a brief second, realising the weight of his question “I can’t!” you shake your head

“But you want to?” He asks, lips only few inches away from yours “You want this?”

Your eyes stare back at his hooded eyes, judgement starting to tremble under the weight of those dark orbs staring dangerously welcoming at yours.

“You want this,” He whispers, leaning closer to press a soft kiss just under you lips, against your chin before travelling down to your neck “You want me, don’t you?”

“J-Jeon,” you sigh as he gently bites on the soft flesh of your neck, tongue moving dangerously on the abused flesh “I-I-“

“You want to feel me too, right?” he asks, voice slightly tinting with plea and desperation “Just like how I want to feel you.”

“Yes,” you finally confess, hands wrapping around the guy’s head, you moan as the guy bites yet another mark on your neck “I want you.”

You feel his smirk against his skin as he works his way down your neck, while his other hand reaches down at the hem of your jeans and fiddle with the button before releasing it. You gasp as his cold hands travel on your skin against your hip bone before shifting further and further to where you need attention the most.

His palm sits against your dripping core, middle finger smothering your wetness around “You’re so fucking wet for me,” he sighs in a trembling voice, thumb moving up to toy with your clit and smirk as you continue soaking his palm even more

“F-Fuck,” you moan, head falling back as one finger enters your walls, sliding easily inside you “Kook, please!”

“Do you like that Babe?” he asks, doe eyes shifting up to yours and meeting your glassy eyes “Do you like it when I touch you like this?”

“Y-Yes,” you nod, before shutting your eyes together firmly and withering under his touch “F-Fuck, that feels so good, Kook.”

“There you go,” he smirks as he enjoys watching you lose control, another finger joining his middle finger to scissor you further “I told you, you’d enjoy it babe.”

“Fuck Jeon,” you gasp as he adds another finger, easily finding your sweet spot as he pushes his fingers further against your core “I-I’m gonna-“

“You’re gonna cum?” he bites his lips, watching you fall apart under his touch “You wanna cum for me babe, Hmm?”

“Y-Yes,” you nod, eyes tearing in pleasure as you feel his thumb rubbing against your clit in a paced manner “I’m close, Kook.”

“Yeah?” he smirks in mischief, enjoying the way you look at him with plea “Why don’t you beg like a good girl Babe?”

“K-Kook,” you sigh in frustration, feeling his fingers slowing down and you immediately shake your head “N-No, don’t stop- “

“Beg for it,” he raises an eyebrow, challenging you “Beg for me to make you cum like a good girl, babe.”

“P-Please,” you sigh, already losing all your dignity to the immense need to reach your high “Please, I’m so close-“

“Sshhh,” he presses his forehead against yours as he continues to flick his thumb against “tell me Y/N,” he whispers through gritted teeth “You’re mine aren’t you?”

“I-“ you part your lips, brain trying to process his interrogating eyes “I’m-“ you sigh as you fail to form the words

“Hmm?” he urges, staring back at you with waiting eyes “You’re not gonna wear Jimin’s jersey again,” he states in a firm tone as he holds your neck with one hand “You’re not gonna flirt with him anymore, right?”

“K-Kook,” you moan his name, arm reaching up to hold his shoulder to keep your balance and stop yourself falling “P-Please, I’m so fucking close- “

“Tell me,” He demands again “you’re not gonna hang around him,” he states before whispering “You’re mine right?”

“Fuck,” you sigh, feeling yourself right at the edge, waiting eagerly to feel your high “Jeon, Please.”

“Tell me,” he says, jaw clenching as he stares into yours “Tell me you’re mine and I’ll give it you.”

“I’m y-yours,” you stutter, pressing your head back against the wall “P-Please-“

You cry as the guy presses his lips against yours, tongue darting out to explore your mouth as his hands pick the pace finger fucking you, while you helplessly wither and muffle your cries against his mouth.

He continues to ride your orgasm, until you’re a shaking a mess from overstimulation, and your legs are about to give way if its not for his strong arms holding you against him. His lips part from yours and he stares back at you, and you realise he looks more content than you even when you’ve had arguably the most intense orgasm of your life.

“Fuck,” you sigh, gulping  nervously as you register what just happened and try to form the words “J-Jeon, I’m s-so sorry-“

“Sshhh,” he shakes his head, forehead still firmly pressed against yours “don’t call me Jeon,” he whispers, and you wonder if you’re mistaken when his cheek flushes slight as he adds “I like when you call me Kook better.”

“B-But-“ you start but immediately shut your lips together as you hear the door of the locker room opening with a loud thud and you hear your friend’s familiar voice echoing in the empty space

“Joon, you’re overreacting,” Jiwoo calls as she steps inside the empty space followed by another set of footsteps “She’s an adult, you’re being too harsh on her.

All you can think about is to make sure you don’t get caught by your two friends so you immediately press one hand against Jungkook’s lips and cover them in an attempt to silence the guy as you give him a warning look.

“Its not like I don’t know that,” Joon sighs in a frustrated tone “Its just that what happened with Yoongi Hyung still haunts me,” he explains and you hear him sit down on one of the benches

“I know what you feel,” Jiwoo explains “But just because she had a negative experience doesn’t mean she cant try-“

“Not with the golden boy,” Joon declares firmly and your eyes immediately flick to Jungkook who’s now staring down at your chest, listening carefully to the conversation happening outside “You know him , Jiwoo,” he explains “He’s a fuckboy, one of the most famous and brutal ones out there,” he continues and you can see the change of emotion on the guy’s expression “he plays with girls as a hobby.”

Jungkook’s eyes change from sad to disappointed and then tinted with slight rage all in a matter of few seconds so you ease the hand against his lips, arms falling down beside your body as you continue to listen to your friends.

“And she’s so naive,” Joon explains followed with a loud sigh “and I know she may deny it, but she’s been taking care of him hoping there can be more to it,” he hesitates before muttering “like the way she thought she can change Yoongi hyung for better.”

It’s your turn to feel the stabbing weight of your friend’s words this time, cheeks flushing in embarrassment and rage all at the same time. You gulp as you sense the guy’s eyes staring carefully at you and you must avert your eyes to ensure he doesn’t notice the way your eyes tear up at the prospect of what’s going on in your heart.

“Don’t be so sure,” Jiwoo chuckles this time “Maybe she just wants to enjoy a good fuck,” she shrugs and your mentally curse her choice of words “We’ve talked about Jungkook’s Golden dick before and she mentioned she wouldn’t mind trying him for a good fuck.”

Your eyes widen as you stare back at Jungkook, realising your friend just threw you under the bus without even knowing she’s doing that so you just flash an awkward smile to the guy. You cant help but notice how the guy’s stares grow more and more disappointed as he looks at you, as if he’s trying to get some clarification from you about the truth of your friend’s words.

“Excuse me what did I just hear?” Joon states looking back at his girlfriend “Why would you be talking about Jungkook’s dick, young lady?”

“That was way before we met,” Jiwoo chuckles awkwardly “you know how girls talk about these sort of thing-“

“Well, young lady you are in trouble,” you hear Joon standing up and walking closer to Jiwoo “We’re heading home right now and I’m gonna make sure the only girl talk you’re gonna have is about MY DICK!”

“Well before we can do that,” Jiwoo chuckles as he turns around and starts running out of the place “You gotta catch me if you can.”

You hear as the girl runs away, followed by Namjoon who’s calling her name and running outside the locker room after her. You let a sigh out of relief as the place empties out again.

“We gotta get out of this place,” you state looking at the guy who’s still standing closely against you “before someone else comes.”

“Wait-“ Jungkook holds your wrist, pinning it beside you on the wall as he stares at you with a confused look “Is that true?” he asks, tone sounding surprisingly quiet and upset

“W-What?” you ask, gulping nervously as you know he’s gonna question you about the conversation you just overheard

“I-Is that why you took care of me,” he asks, eyes hollow of any emotion as he mutters “Because you just wanted to try me for a good fuck?”

You stare at him trying to form the sentences, knowing very well that’s your Jiwoos’ observation is wrong. but at the moment you could care less about the truth of why you started to take an interest in the guy, maybe your friend was right, maybe you thought there could be more between you and him, like the way you wished you could change Yoongi. you felt the warm tears already welling up at your eyes as you caught yourself and your feelings, you were once again in this trap, falling for the fuckboy of the campus hoping your genuine feelings can be reciprocated and you could change him.

“Well I didn’t start with that intention,” you explain with a forced smile as you look at him “But since you showed interest, I thought I’ll give it a go,” you chuckle awkwardly as you tried to sound as genuine as possible “why would I reject you,” you mutter “It’s not every day you get the chance to hook up with a college athlete.”

“So this was just a college hook up,” he summarises, tone decreasing with each word as if he’s reaching an epiphany “That’s all isn’t it?” he asks, eyes looking at you patiently waiting for a response

“Y-Yeah,” you lie, gulping the lump in your throat, as your brain continues to betray your feelings “Isn’t that what you wanted too?”

“I-“he starts, eyes trembling around your face as if he’s trying to confirm if all you’re saying is the truth “Of course,” he sighs, stepping back with a forced smirk “ I told you, I wouldn’t refuse girls if they want it too.”

“S-Sure,” you nod, sounding slight bitter as you want to scream at him that he kept trying to seduce you into this, but you know better to keep your mouth shut as you’re reminding how you just came all over his fingers a few minutes ago “then, we’re good right?” you ask with a hopeful smile

“Y-Yeah, I guess,” he nods, stepping back and lowering his eyes as if he’s still trying to digest everything “we’re good.” he turns around to unlock the door when you quickly hold his arm and he looks back at you

“Jeon, can you promise me something?” you ask looking at him

“S-Sure, what is it?” he asks, looking at you with patient eyes

“Can we keep this whole thing a secret?” you ask, feeling your dignity and your shattering “I just don’t want anyone to know-“ your pause continuing the sentence in your head, I just don’t want anyone to know how much of an idiot I am to hook up with the Hanguk’s famous fuckboy, thinking he might be serious about me.

“Of course,” he scoffs, eyes turning dark and disappointed as mutters “It wouldn’t do my reputation any good either,” he adds in a venomous tone, jaw clenching as he adds “That I hooked up with a girl like you.” He says the words in a careful and calculated manner as if he knows exactly how much those words are about to pierce through you.

Your hand falls from holding him and your cheeks start to warm up just like your eyes, the stinging hurt of his words overtaking your emotions and your body language. You cant even act non-chalant anymore so you just lower you gaze, hoping he doesn’t notice the way his words affect you.

You stay silent, waiting for him to leave the room but look up at him as you realise he’s just fixed on his footsteps, and has no intention to leave. To your surprise, he looks like a beaten puppy and for some reason, you feel as though his words may have hurt him more than it hurt you.

“Wear this,” he whispers as he guides his hoodie off his torso and throw it at you “Its cold.” He says without sparing a look at you, as he bends down to pick Jimin’s jersey.

You watch as he turns on his heels and walk out, before shoving the piece of cloth with Jimin’s name in the bin and leaving the locker room. You stare blankly at the door he just leaves through before bringing your eyes to his hoodie, feeling the warm sensation of tears freely rolling down your cheek.

[autistic-ace-bee]

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

7. earbuds or headphones?

9. favorite smell in the summer?

12. name of your favorite playlist?

18. ideal weather?

22. role model?

21. obsession from childhood?

24. favorite crystal?

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

28. five songs to describe you?

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

66. favorite flower(s)?

65. any permanent scars?

88. your greatest wish?

jfsnvkjd

4. shy, smart and maybe teachers pet?

7. earbuds bc headphones hurt my ears more akdk

9. i dont really have any favourite smells? my sense of smell is shit in the first place and a lot of scents make me sneeze or trigger my asmytha aksdk but probably anything kinda fruity or flowery is nice

12. right now its my byler playlist boy the byler brainrot runs deep but overall its probably either my indie bops or bangers and bops playlists. also on the topic of music why tf was my most popular music genre this year emo?? genuinely perplexed like bc of you ive been listening to wayyy happier music aksdskad (i just looked at them and their both over 7 hours adskskd 7 hours and 52 minutes and 7 16 respectively aksdka)

18. Sunny with a cool breeze! I love to lie down in the sunshine with a gentle breeze cooling me off =^-^=

22. uh I've never really had any role models. My older sister maybe, just bc she doesnt give a rats ass what people think about her and ive always found that really cool, also shes like really good at everything, although she can be a bit of a bitch aksdksdk

21. i've never really had any huge obsessions, I kinda just used to copy whatever my older sister did, especially when we were younger. Maybe like playing fantage, poptropica, moshi monsters or LPS and the monster fashion one i forgot it now akdksd but yeah those were all things I did with my sister

24. I do not have a favourite i asked you that question because I guessed you would probably have some askdksd I really dont know the difference between crystrals enough to say, but I like clearer crystals maybe with a tint of of colour

i tried to find the names and its like amethyst/ametrine/quartz? ALSO I FOUND ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE A VENTOLIN

60. dragon asked me this question too and the answer is undoubtedly gay sports anime. You mentioned being decent at badminton, so well go with gay sports badminton anime =^-^= im fairly decent at badminton and its a lot of fun! originally i said soccer or tennis but badminton is just easier tennis anyway plus..... the shuttlecock 😏

65. yes i have a bump on my head from when i flipped over my bed on boxing day and cracked my head open on the tall boy. its funny bc in the doctors office i got a blood nose so they thought i was there for that but mate my heads bleeding what do you think were here for 😂 i also have a thin white scar on my thigh from where i cut it open on desk drawer, a thin scar on my knuckle from god knows what, and a burn scar on my wrist from when i burnt my hand trying to take a cake out the oven. oh also i have a small scar above my lip from when my sister stabbed me with a pen askdks

88. my greatest wish is to have a gaydar so strong i can tell which of my friends is secretly gay i mean cmon theres like 20 of us there HAS to be another gay come on where are you hiding you little fuck

[life-with-my-three]

“Acquired Tracheobronchial Stenosis”.

It’s a slightly different diagnosis than the hypothesised “malacia” rather than “stenosis” it ended up being, but at least we have answers.

Aaron and I have finally been able to talk this morning. He was at work when I got home from the children’s hospital last night, and worked until midnight, so we didn’t have time to chat other than brief update calls. It’s helped to sort the intense trapped thoughts, somewhat that we’re still there even a couple of hours ago.

In the last 20 months of Hattie’s life I have seen her undergo countless procedures and tests. Never have I felt as sick as I did yesterday, waiting to hear how the bronchoscopy had gone. I actually thought I was going to vomit from anxiety. Then her respiratory consultant called to tell me the results.

I somewhat was feeling extremely guilty. I don’t know if I was more anxious about getting a diagnosis or getting no answers at all. I mean what sort of parent wants something to be wrong? There WAS something wrong we KNEW it, we just needed some name to it. But you feel guilty, feeling anxious they may come out saying they couldn’t see anything wrong with your child.

I honestly didn’t take in much of the consultant’s post bronch call, because of anxiety, but luckily she said she will make an appointment within the next few weeks. I *think* she said that there was no malacia (I could be wrong) which is where the airway is misshapen and weaker so when you breathe it collapses to varying degrees.

Both Hatt’s Trachea and bronchi (different parts of the airway) are abnormally narrowed (stenosis). It doesn’t look like it’s something she was born with, but most likely a result of having had multiple stints intubated (on breathing tubes). They’ve somewhat scared and narrowed her airway, so air is having to get through a smaller space making breathing harder.

The good news is for now, it’s not severe enough to need further treatment (surgery) than what she already gets. She already has a decent dose of inhaled steroids twice a day, we do inhaled ventolin as needed, and she’s already tube fed to counteract the difficulty some people have coordinating both swallowing and breathing with a narrower airway.

I of course laying in bed last night googled it and found this symptom list, and honestly, this IS Hattie. They could of written then list of symptoms on Hatt!

I guess I feel defeated with adding yet another diagnosis to her list. At the same time it is a huge relief to have an answer.

I also feel validated.

I’ve been made to feel my whole life by professionals that I’ve made things up, when I haven’t, so I’ve hit a point that I really struggle with telling things to doctors out of the fear that they’re just going to tell me I’m making it up for attention, so what’s the point.

When our local hospital’s emergency consultant looked at me and repetitively repeated “she’s fine now, I think she’s going to be okay” over and over again in a condescending tone, even though I had told him she was completely fine, and always was between her episodes and we were only there as our resp doctors at the children’s hospital insisted we take her to get checked, I felt like I was being put into some over reacting mother category (I didn’t even want to be there and made it clear).

Everything I have reported matched perfectly to this diagnosis. Even the bizarreness of it. I’ve definitely felt like I’m going crazy at times as it’s just so weird how they happen. The fact that the steroids somewhat helped (we think something must of been inflaming her airway more, which now we know she has a narrower airway to begin with, would explain why steroids made a difference).

I haven’t told a lot of people about these past few months. It’s just been too challenging. Our close family and friends that know we were going for the bronch yesterday have been messaging to see how it went. I know I need to message them back, but I’m stalling badly!! I just know for the majority of them the first question is going to be “so how long is she going to have her tube then”, and there’s only so many times you can politely answer that without the frustration slipping through. We simply don’t know. It is what it is. Right now she needs it and we can’t do anything about it. We’re not choosing this for her, it’s how it has to be. Especially as although yesterday’s results do have an indirect impact on her feeding, they didn’t actually have anything to do with feeding. It will still be the first question.

Seriously surprised anyone reads these long, jumbled rants!

[d-noona]

Some days are good...some not so... well. Some days literally feels like death 😂🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

There are days I look normal

But I feel tired emotionally and physically

I can go on days without sleep

Or sleep only to wake up with the entire room spinning

Im sensitive to light

Sensitive to sound which sucks dick ass cause i love music

I speak too loud cause I cant hear well

Or maybe ask you to repeat what you said around 3 to 5x

Im sensitive to the words thrown at me

Though i dont really show it

Some days are a little painful literally

There are days i would use ice as my pillow

Or drink an excessive amount of pain killers

I have days when I feel numb that you can seriously slap my face and I'd probably laugh cause I wont feel a thing.

I have days that I'd wake up and I cant even recognize myself

Or to hear either my mom or bf panic cause my face has changed literally

I have days I can't hear anything aside from the constant drilling in my ears

There are days that I have either this ringing thing on my ear.

Or like some sort of a frequency noise that i cant shut off

I dont know what quiet means sometimes

Normally i'd lock my ass in my room

Being anti social is something i have grown accustomed to.

I have lost most of my hair

Gained back some... (i look like Alfalfa btw)

Then am losing them again?! Like WTF?

I got weird skin rashes. Like mini boils. Sometimes red spots.

I tend to lose weight in less than a month just like magic

Then go bloat and be as big as a whale

I get drop attacks and kiss the floor because Im a loving person

There are days Im incoherent. I cant read well or type well.

I have days that going to the bathroom to pee is just a hassle

I need to constantly hold on to someone to not fall

Dropping things on the floor scare me to death cause im scared of reaching down only to have my world spin around. The anxiety!

I have days when the attacks go as long days to weeks.

Sometimes I go to work only to be fetched by my Bf from the emergency room.

I have days I dont tell my mom about cause she's a big worry wart 🤫🤫🤫

Hmmmm...I miss showering and being able to tilt my head back

I have severe attacks of asthma that its fucking painful to breathe

Times when im shaking cause im high from ventolin and seretide 😂

Days I cant tell if im off pitch, sometimes its painful to sing cause i have pressure in my ears

Migraines and vertigo are like my left and right boobies theyre just there.

I have days that Im thankful to be able to sit up from my bed without feeling like death.

I dont think people understand how stressful and frustrating it is to explain how horribly sick you feel on the inside when you dont always look sick on the outside. It never occured to me that one day, i would wake up. I'd get sick and never get better. (Because MD has no cure).

When you're frustrated at me because of the things I cannot do, just imagine how frustrated I must be because I am not able.

So I will do my best not to judge anyone about any ignorant comments that i may hear. Cause I am a strong person. I will wish everyone the best and hope that you may never have to go through this kind of chronic illness.

Oh and yes KPOP SAVED MY LIFE more times than I can count. #SpreadingHope #benicetopeople #chronicillness #MenieresDiseaseAwareness #alopeciaawareness

[valentinepills]

The Timeline

A year ago in March 2020, I was newly returning back to work after recovering from a severe skin infection. I was on painkillers and several rounds of antibiotics throughout January and February 2020. It was a hard time recovering and for a second there, I thought I was going to die. My blood sugar was through the roof, inflammation and infection were forming a lethal combination. Emergency doctor was grateful I came in when I did because if I had waited any longer I would  have lost the battle. My vitals and condition were so unstable that the surgeon did not feel safe operating on me. I had to heal with medicine, quarantine and bed rest.

That took a hard hit to my finances. Behind in rent and bills. In late November in to December 2019 I was just out of work for 2 weeks with an unexplained condition with my lungs. My lungs were inflamed, I had a dry cough but no fluid being brought up. I had terrible night sweats and difficulty breathing. I was given antibiotics, anti-inflammatory medicine and steroids in addition to my daily inhaler and Ventolin inhaler for emergencies. So that's a timeline for ya.

NOV - DEC 2019 Lung Problems

JAN - FEB 2020 Skin Infection

FEB - MAR 2020 Return to Work

MAR 16, 2020 The World Shuts Down.

April comes and I'm hopeful. I begin cutting back on smoking cigarettes. I wasn't a heavy smoker to begin with, but I was definitely smoking 10-15 cigarettes on a bad day; 8-10 on a regular day. I remember saying to Martina and DJ,

"When I take my last puff, that's all it will be. I won't remember the day. I won't say to anyone that I've quit because they will remember. It'll be all they talk about but I don't want to hear any of it. Talking about smoking all the time doesn't help me."

Sometime in late May I took my last puff of a cigarette. I no longer desired to smoke and no longer craved the taste. I told no one and I have successfully overcome my addiction to cigarettes. I enjoyed a quiet birthday on May 29th and was hopeful that Summer would bring some more joy!

Start of Summer in to July 2020... Becoming pregnant should have been a happy occasion for an engaged couple. It wasn't for us. When I learned I was pregnant, my body was in distress. I didn't know what was happening, but my body was in pain. Everyday it got a little bit worse. At this point I had been cigarette free for about 2 months and I had no cycle for 2 months. Extreme Sciatica and Arthritis pain crippled me and suddenly I began seeing spots of blood. I was rushed to the emergency room and learned that I was 14 weeks pregnant. I was ordered to bed rest and limit my movement. We were thrilled but terrified. DJ's hours were cut, but I was working from home. We exhausted our funds to make bed rest as comfortable as possible. Mid July comes and at 16.5 weeks of pregnancy, I miscarried. My sac ripped. I was in so much pain. DJ's heart broke and my heart crumbled. I was looking at a 4 to 6 week recovery but in fact, it took 8 weeks for my body to return to normal. That's a timeline for ya.

APR - MAY 2020 Transition from Moderate to Non Smoker.

JUN - JUL 2020 Becomes Ill, Learns Shes Pregnant!

MID JULY 2020 Suffers Miscarriage

JULY - AUG 2020 Recovery from Miscarriage

SEP 2020 - DEC 2020 I'm recovered and preparing for the next obstacle in my way. My father became ill and was hospitalized. No one could visit him, but suddenly one day, they allowed my mother to go to his room. Nearly two weeks later, my mother tested positive for COVID-19. She battled that for weeks and while all of that was going on Martina had a health scare too in September. Things were going crazy everywhere. As we battled through Autumn, I dealt with my hearing becoming significantly worse. Wisdom Tooth, Jaw Joint and Ear Pain-Infection-Inflammation. Trying to visit a doctor in person was a struggle. I kept being denied an in-person appointment because of my symptoms. I call with symptoms, they make me do a test, I test negative but they would make me quarantine for 14 days and then I call again to make an in-person appointment because my symptoms have worsened... the cycle repeats. I ended up being rushed to the emergency room because I had chills, shakes, sweats and I couldn't hold my head up anymore. 14 days of antibiotics and drops. Finally got some relief.

JANUARY 2021 - CURRENT I was done with 2020. I didn't think things could get any worse until January 30th. My best friend unexpectedly died. Martina and I talked so much about our lives, our goals and our hardships. I always thought that because of my many illnesses that I would leave here first. She hated when we got on that subject but we talked about it in depth many times throughout our friendship. After the miscarriage, I told her I wasn't sure if I would ever become a mother. When Martina passed away after talking with our mutual mentor, confidant and former co-worker Mrs. McCreary, it occurred to me that my life may have an entirely different purpose than how I may have envisioned it to be.

I've spend these days and nights in mourning. The day Martina died, I wasn't aware that she had passed on that day but when I woke in the morning, I felt heavy and full of sorrow. I said to DJ, "Something is wrong but I don't know what it is. I feel it all in my body." At that time, I had no idea my friend had departed but my spirit knew. I spent that entire day focusing on improving what I thought was a mood. I woke up earlier than usual on Monday, preparing to log in for work. I wanted to talk to Martina but I learned she had died. Suddenly everything I felt that Saturday and Sunday made sense.

I talk to Martina out loud every morning, every day now. I know she can't respond but I believe that she can hear me. She always believed in me, even when I didn't believe in myself. The future brings more sorrow for me but also more clarity. Everyday I'm attuning to my goals. I know that I want to live for as long as possible. I want to be available and able; for me, for DJ and for all of our loved ones including Martina. Her children meant the world to her and if any one of them ever needed me for anything... I want to be available and able to be there for them.

I have a timeline for my future but I'm going to take my time, not waste time.

[supergirlfics]

Powerful - Part 1

“Alex!” You screamed. “Where are we going?” Despite the chaos and your intense fear, you stopped running. You could hardly breathe. Running confused was not worth the need to use your inhaler later.

“I’ll explain later,” Alex said as she doubled back to meet you. “We have to go, now.”

“What is going on? Why is everything so crazy? Where’s Kara?”

“Listen to me, Y/N. I promise it’ll all make sense later. But right now, I need you to trust me, okay?”

“Fine,” You sighed. 

Alex grabbed your hand and dragged you after her. She was a lot faster than you were. With each step, you could feel your throat constricting a little more and your chest becoming more painful. When you felt like you couldn’t go any longer, Alex stopped. It was as if she’d read your mind. But in reality, you were at your destination.

“L-Corp?” You asked breathlessly as you pulled out your inhaler, allowing Alex to speak as you dosed yourself with the sweet, sweet breath of ventolin.

“You’re going to stay here with Lena,” Alex said, guiding you inside. “She’ll keep you safe.”

“Safe from what? Alex, what is going on?”

“There’s an attack. It’s nothing like we’ve seen before. I need to know you’re safe.”

“Why couldn’t I just stay at my apartment? I do that all the time.”

“It’s not safe.” Alex’s voice told you not to question it further.

“I can help, Alex,” You said. You’d trained with her and Kara for nearly a year now. You were confident you could be there. Besides, you’d feel better if you were with them.

“Not going to happen. I’m not putting my little sister in danger.”

“Kara’s out there.”

“Kara has superpowers.” Alex gripped your shoulders. “Listen to me. You need to go upstairs to Lena’s office. I have to go.”

“No,” You said. “You don’t.”

“It’s my job.”

“It’s a choice. If it’s really so dangerous, don’t go out there. You could die, Alex.”

“I need to go.”

“Fine,” You yelled. “Run off into battle with no regard for you little sister! I need you, Alex. What if this is the time where you leave and you don’t come back? I need you here.”

“Hey,” Alex scanned your expression for a moment before pulling you into a tight hug. “I’ll always come home. Okay? But I could never forgive myself if I let you get hurt. So go to Lena and let her protect you.”

“Be careful,” You said, tears in your eyes.

“I will.”

Eve appeared at your side as Alex exited the building. “I’ll take you up.” Reluctantly, you let Eve grab your arm and pull you toward the elevator. She tried to make conversation, but you ignored her. Alex had never been so secretive before. She always told you what the threat was. 

Something was very wrong.

You didn’t acknowledge Lena when you walked into the room ,only strode to the couch and took a seat. You rubbed your hands together nervously and then covered your eyes as you rubbed your face.

“Are you okay?”

You felt the couch move as Lena sat down beside you. “Alex wouldn’t tell me anything. I’m really worried.”

“I wasn’t supposed to tell you this,” Lena sighed. “But I think you need to hear it.”

“Hear what?” You tore your head away from your hands, making eye contact with Lena for the first time that day.

“Somebody is after you. That’s why Alex was so intent on you coming here. She doesn’t want you to be alone right now. I have a lot of security, so I agreed to keep you here with me.”

“After me? But why?”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry. If I did, I would tell you.” After a beat, she asked another question. “Do you know where Kara is? She hasn’t answered her phone.”

You knew exactly where Kara was, but you couldn’t tell Lena that. Gosh, it was hard to keep her identity a secret. But as you thought of both of your sisters out there, you became even more worried. “Take one guess.” You said, standing up and pacing around the room. “If I’m in danger she’s out there with Alex. There’s no way Kara would just sit around. I need to go.”

You started for the door, but Lena beat you to it. “You are not going anywhere. I made a promise.”

You were about to fight her, but a loud BANG followed by the building shaking violently knocked you off your feet. Decorations fell off the wall and shattered against the tile floor.

You managed to glance out the window to see Supergirl streak past before Lena threw herself on top of you as a light fixture fell from the ceiling. It landed just inches from you, the broken glass bouncing toward you and Lena. 

As you sat up, you looked around. Fear ripped through your body. Sure, you and Lena had both come out unscathed, but you had a feeling it was only going to get much worse.

[toshitophchan]

Some things really wrong with my body that I feel lack representation past minimal comic relief, and that people in my life and even out of it tend to forget the severity of, both on my body and my mind

Eczema - Seriously, I have such bad eczema. The worst thing is, there are people out there with worse eczema than me. That’d be kind of hard to believe if you saw my body right now. - I have eczema right now on my face (all around my eyes and cheeks), neck, chest, bottom of my back and all up my arms and legs - When I was younger people used to have to sit near me and physically restrain me lest I itch so hard I bled everywhere (this didn’t and still hasn’t stopped me from doing that, eczema is seriously itchy) - I flare up due to the heat, certain foods, certain materials, certain washing powders, grass, pollen, basically everything. I’m always in the middle of a flare up.  - I have never ever been able to get my eczema under control. I don’t know how many creams and tablets and gels I have tried. Right now I have about 5 I am trying. They all work for like a month and then I get used to them. I’ve had staph infections on multiple occasions in my eczema  - I have to sleep wrapped in gladwrap often. This is as bad an experience as it sounds - I am always itching, always bleeding, always have dead skin under my nails. People say don’t itch. It really isn’t that simple. My body is on fire. It stings, it burns. Everything fucking hurts  - I have a hard time thinking anybody would ever want to love me or hold me with my body the way it is, icky and red and covered in horrible sores. I hate my skin, I hate my body

Asthma  - My asthma is bad. Really, really bad. It isn’t a ‘funny lil breathless nerd’ trait. It’s a ‘my parents used to tell me I would die’ trait.  - My asthma has gotten slightly better now that I’m older, mostly because I’m so scared of it I never let myself get worse. I am so dependant on my ventolin and my seretide - I have nearly died 3 times in my life because of my asthma. I couldn’t tell you what happened at my third birthday, not because I was three, but because I wasn’t there. I was in the hospital, dying - The most scared I’ve ever been in my life was when I was nine and woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t breathe. I reached for my ventolin on my bedside table but I was shaking so hard I knocked it onto the floor and under my bed. I couldn’t scream, couldn’t breathe in or out. All I could do was stumble into my parent’s room and stand over my mum, choking and dying until she woke up. That moment traumatised me so much, I cannot be anywhere without my ventolin, not even another room in the house. I sleep with my ventolin in my bed so I can’t knock it onto the floor - When I was twelve, I overdosed on ventolin because I couldn’t stop wheezing. I literally thought I was going to die. I wasn’t even a teenager yet. I was so goddamn scared. I have a diary entry from that night and it radiates fear and panic - I had no friends and was bullied, partly because of my asthma. I couldn’t play with the other kids, because I could drop dead on it. My dumb-ass school said I couldn’t take my ventolin more than once every two hours so I had to be hyper-aware of when I’d taken it last. I probably killed a whole forest with the notes I had from the front office that were always like ‘Your daughter took her ventolin at school today’. I had a signal with the front staff in case they were on the phone and I couldn’t wait for them to take me to the sick room to use my puffer - I once wrote what was described as a ‘heart-breaking’ poem about my ‘friend’ asthma. I was in year five and all I wanted was for ‘my friend asthma’ to ‘leave me and go away’ - I feel weak and pathetic because I run for a minute and can’t breathe. I feel like asthma gets barely any mention, any sort of attention because it is common. Asthma nearly killed me before I was four and yet it is nothing more than a trope for a nerdy kid or something to be cured. My asthma refuses to be cured. My body is ridden with eczema, made weak by asthma and yet I am always expected to be healthy and happy, because apparently these things don’t matter

[mssjynx]

kiss it better?  [ part two ]

krii7y 5689 words warnings: major character death, heavy angst

5 times john kissed jaren’s pain away, and the 1 time he couldn’t. (alternative ending!)

5 + 1 + 1 again (here)

four days before his eighteenth birthday, jaren was admitted to hospital. it was the second time in his life that he’d been in the back of an ambulance, but the first time that he’d been hooked up to oxygen. he’d fainted out in the city with his family after complaining about a growing chest pain. it was unexpected and worrying.

john got called out of work, apologising to his boss who waved him off and wished him well on whatever the emergency was. he thanked him and drove to the hospital as quickly as he could without running red lights or speeding.

the lady at the front ran jaren’s name through her computer, giving him the room number and sending him off. she looked grim.

he raced down halls, sprinting up staircases in favour of waiting for elevators. when he got to jaren’s room, he didn’t hesitate. “jaren,” he breathed, chest heaving as the door swung shut behind him. the boy in the bed was asleep, but the sight of him sent john’s anxiety through the roof. his skin was a sickly colour. his eyes were sunken.

jaren’s mother sat in the chair beside his bed, old eyes full of sadness and fear. she stood from the chair, lifting one arm towards him, and he stumbled into her embrace. the woman who had raised him alongside his own mother held him tightly despite his height, rubbing his shoulder and pressing a kiss to his head.

“what is it?” he asked, voice quiet in fear of waking up his friend. “how is he?”

the look in her eyes told him enough. she sat in the chair and he sat at the edge of the bed. “not good. they don’t know yet.” she didn’t say anything when he reached for jaren’s hand, winding their fingers together and squeezing gently. jaren’s skin was cool but his palms were clammy. john didn’t care.

“do we know anything?” he asked.

aged hazel eyes shut tightly, hiding the pain. she shook her head. she had no words of reassurance. he had none either.

five hours later, jaren woke up. by that time his mother had gone home to fetch some things for him, john had called in to work to tell them he wouldn’t be working for some time. a nurse had come into the room periodically every two hours to recheck his vitals.

when the first entered the room, john almost begged for some level of information. reluctance shielded tired blue eyes but the nurse gave in. she could see the pain he wore in his exhaustion. the fear for his friend, his love.

“we can’t tell much right now until we put him through a couple scans which we’ll do tonight once he wakes up. but…” that reluctance flickered, “they’re pretty sure it’s an issue with his heart.”

he wished he hadn’t asked at all.

the second nurse to come in sat beside him, a notepad out. “hi, i’m casey. do you know jaren well? would i be able to ask you some questions about him while we wait for him to wake up?”

of course, he complied.

“how has his health been over the past year?”

past year? that was a long time for something to have been affecting him, for something to be dealing damage only now. john felt anxiety seep through his veins. “he’s, uh… been on asthma stuff for months now because he has issues breathing. some doctors have said its asthma, some have said it’s not. the ventolin helps so he just has that.” she listened, writing down notes closely. “there hasn’t really been anything else that’s been a big deal for him. he can’t run around as much now as he did when we were younger, but i think that’s to do with the asthma too?”

john felt exhaustion crash over him. she could see it.

“okay, thank you for that. please notify us if he wakes up in the next two hours, and someone else will come in to check up on him then too.” she leant forward, taking a hold of his hand and squeezing. “we’re going to do everything we can to find out what’s wrong, and we’ll do everything we can to get him better again.”

he watched her leave the room, murmuring a quiet: “thank you.” and wishing that it would be that easy.

it wasn’t.

he fell asleep in the chair, arms and head on the mattress beside his sick friend and their fingers still linked. he dreamt of jaren’s pale face on repeat, his crying, his screaming. it was awful.

when he woke up, there was a quiet voice speaking close by and warm hands were playing with the rings on his fingers. a quiet groan slipped past his lips. someone giggled: a sound he knew all too well. when he lifted his head and wiped the drool from the corner of his mouth, he couldn’t help but smile. jaren’s beautiful brown eyes looked him over, fond and loving as he squeezed john’s hand.

“mornin’, sleeping beauty,” he whispered and john felt warmth spread throughout his chest. jaren turned back to the doctor who watched patiently. her smile was encouraging but her focus returned to jaren quickly.

“so we’ll get you in for a ct scan in about three hours and that’ll give us a better idea of what’s going on in your chest, particularly your heart.” the nurse closed her file, slipping her pen into her pocket. “hit the call button if you’re feeling anything unusual or if you’re in an uncomfortable amount of pain, okay?”

“thank you.” he watched her leave the room, leaving the two boys together. dark eyes shifted back to john, a weary grin on pale lips. “hey.”

john smiled, pain sprouting in his chest as he acknowledged the fight going on in those dark eyes. he could see the agony the boy was battling. he could see he was trying his hardest to keep up a brave face.

the hand in his tugged, leading john to move from the chair to the bed. brown eyes studied, always staring, always analysing. john hesitated, lifting a hand. those eyes fluttered shut as fingers carded through messy brown hair before coming to rest at jaren’s cheek. he leaned into the touch, eyes still shut.

“can i…?” john murmured.

jaren’s lips twitched into a smile. “you don’t have to ask,” he whispered back.

they had never shared a kiss so emotional. neither of them mentioned the few tears that slipped down jaren’s cheeks. he didn’t open his eyes, not even when john pulled back. no, instead he laid back down, eyelashes fluttering with one last tear before he slipped back out of consciousness and sunk into the abyss.

with so much fear in john’s chest, he clamped a hand over his mouth to stifle his sobs and cried to the mattress until he ran out of tears.

-

the next three days were unsteady and painful. john didn’t leave the hospital, arguing with his mother four times before she finally gave in and allowed him to stay. she brought him money for food and new clothes. he didn’t leave jaren’s side.

speaking of which: jaren had his ct scan. to john is was just an image of different grey shapes, blurry and indistinguishable. but to the doctors, there were issues.

and those issues weren’t new.

john hadn’t known jaren to ever be so quiet. the second and third days since he was admitted were long and slow and silent on his behalf. he slept a lot, hardly ate, settled for watching john with big unreadable eyes rather than speaking.

but john wasn’t much of a talker. he wasn’t good at it, he wasn’t interesting, he couldn’t carry on for long conversations. so he got his mother to bring him a laptop and two pairs of headphones and the third day he got into the bed beside jaren, plugged their headphones in and played the lion king movie.

when the movie finished, he played music, allowing jaren to pick through his favourite songs and play whatever he liked. with a pretty voice in their ears, the two boys stayed cuddled up together throughout the night, kissing in the dark and pretending.

pretending they weren’t in hospital. pretending there was no agony in jaren’s heart. pretending they both weren’t absolutely terrified of what was to come.

the fourth day of being at the hospital, john was listening to music and holding jaren’s hand while he slept. out of nowhere, brown eyes flew open and the boy sat straight upright. his hand flew to his chest, his eyes snapped to john.

agony. terror.

john slammed the alert button, grasping jaren’s face in his hands. “they’re coming, they’re coming, baby. stay with me. jaren, stay with-“

brown eyes rolled back and he fell to the mattress. limp.

john’s ears were ringing. the machine was ringing. the door slammed open and several people poured into the room.

they didn’t spare a glance to john who was washed to the back, hyperventilating, gasping, choking on his sobs. an immediate decision was made, words flying between the medical professionals that john couldn’t even hear. then jaren was gone from the room, rushed out in the direction of the closest occupation theatre.

john’s legs buckled, sliding down the floor with his hands over his face. his chest heaved. his ears rung. his head raced. he couldn’t breathe.

jaren. jaren. jaren. jaren.

the look in his eyes…

john shattered, sitting in the corner of the suffocating hospital room.

-

a nurse found him rather quickly, shaking and sobbing in the empty room. she had been one of the regulars who checked up on jaren, sent to find the boy’s companion. she sat in front of him on the floor for an hour, holding his hand and mumbling soft words to him.

“he is going to be okay. they’ve done rushed operations like this millions of times before. he’ll be okay, he’ll be back here sooner than you know, he’ll be okay.”

when his breathing slowed itself back down and his sobs soothed to quiet crying, he just sat and cried and listened to the nurse.

“would you like me to explain what happened to jaren?” she offered, still rubbing her thumb back and forth along the back of his hand. he nodded, still shaking. “there was a blockage in the arteries in his heart muscle. and without oxygen, the heart muscle begins to die, stopping the heart from being able to pump correctly. that’s what happened to jaren, so what the doctors will do is put is tiny little tube down there, get it in to the artery and inflate a little balloon in there to clear it out and allow for blood flow to continue. it’s a common procedure, they’ll have it done and jaren will be just fine, okay?”

john listened, making as much sense of the medical talk as he could. the panic in his chest slowly quietened. knowing that it wasn’t an uncommon situation was relieving. knowing that jaren was going to be okay was a huge weight off his shoulders.

he just wanted to see his friend again.

and he did, fortunately. with a live, beating heart too. john woke up that night to the same nurse shaking his shoulder. “john,” she whispered. her smile had excitement lifting in his chest. “jaren’s back in his room if you want to see him. he’s asleep for the moment but he probably won’t be for long-“

john jumped to his feet before she could even finish, wide awake in seconds and already heading to the hallway. “thank you,” he called back and smiled at her following laughter as it chased him down the hall.

“john!” there was nothing less than glee, jaren going to sit upright only to fall back due to the wires attached to his arm. his eyes glowed, hiding his exhaustion. john shut the door behind him. “i missed you!”

despite the tubes and the machines and everything wrapped around him, jaren shifted to the side to make room for john. who was he to refuse? “how do you feel?” he asked, slipping an arm around jaren’s shoulders. the boy flinched but didn’t say a word about it.

“weird.” thin fingers fiddled with john’s silver rings. “it’s odd to think i had something messing around in my heart, but i’m glad it was.”

john snorted. “yeah, me too, dipshit. you scared the fuck out me.” his joking words faltered, feeling his own heart ache as he replayed the look in jaren’s eyes.

those same eyes flickered with a frown. “what happened? i… can’t remember it.”

john smiled, bittersweet taste on his tongue. “you, uh… woke up out of nowhere and- and grabbed at your chest. you just looked so te- terrified and…” he cleared his throat, “it scared me, i didn’t know what happened. i didn’t know if you’d be okay.”

jaren lifted a weak hand up, fingers catching john’s jaw and turning his face. brown eyes caught his. “john.” sincere. open. “i’m okay now.” he pressed a kiss to john’s lips. “i’m here, i’m okay,” he murmured the words into the kiss.

“okay,” john whispered, running fingers through jaren’s hair.

he savoured each and every kiss. they fell asleep, tangled up entirely with one another.

-

it was jaren’s birthday on the fifth day at the hospital. he turned eighteen, spent the morning with family and was told by a doctor that he had only a number of days before his heart would fail and he would die.

he cried into john’s shoulder for two hours, watched the lion king with him for a second time and listened to music as they watched the sun go down out the window. john waited until jaren had fallen asleep against his shoulder before he let his own tears start to fall. he didn’t let himself think until it was dark and quiet and jaren was breathing softly against his neck. he didn’t want jaren to see how ruined he was.

but how could he keep it together?

less than a week, they’d been told. less than seven days. then jaren would… jaren would die, would be gone, would disappear from john’s existence like he’d never been there. but he had been there. every single day, he’d been there. years, on years, on years of being side by side, of being one half of a whole.

he was losing his other half.

on jaren’s first day of being eighteen, he begged a nurse to find them a board-game, any board-game. they were brought back some dusty old box with trivia cards and a worn-down board to play on. the game went on for four hours, from seven in the morning when the two were wide awake. john played their favourite songs from when they were younger on the small speaker his mother brought along. they jammed out to music as they played the silly game, jaren shamelessly destroying john despite his best efforts.

it took a while but he relaxed. he let his mind drift. he let himself have fun and forget the little countdown that had been placed above his head. jaren begged the nurses to let him go for a walk, desperate to get out of that room. he didn’t voice why – they knew.

spending his last few days in that same small room: he couldn’t do it.

so perhaps out of pity, they let the two go. john helped jaren dress, the boy’s body so weak he couldn’t pull his clothes on himself. he sat himself in a wheelchair and the two were off; no restrictions to where they could go within the hospital.

“so, my good gentleman. where to, on this fine evening?” john’s shitty attempt at a british accent had jaren’s lips forming a smirk, but the boy didn’t spoil it.

he crossed one leg over the other, straightening his back as much as he could and pouting his lips dramatically. “i do think we should venture to the highest height of this, uh… of our accommodation… do you have the strength to take me where i wish to go?” he asked, tipping his head back to look at the grinning boy upside-down.

“you damn know i do.” with an otherwise empty hallway, there was no one to complain as john took off running towards the end. jaren threw his head back in a laugh, gripping the arm rests tightly as john swerved from side-to-side.

he laughed all the air from his lungs and wheezed painfully trying to get it all back but the grin on his face showed he didn’t care for the pain. “reckless driving! you’re definitely speeding and- and if you don’t slow down… you’re gonna get fined!”

the giggles were hysterical. both of them being absolutely ridiculous as jaren leaned forward and tapped the elevator button at least thirty times. when the doors opened they were ecstatic to find it empty. john allowed jaren the honours of hitting the button with the number ten on it before spinning his chair around and leaning over him.

the doors shut. “ever wanted to make out in an elevator?” john asked, brows wiggling suggestively. jaren’s laugh bounced around them, grin too big for his face. his hands grabbed at the front of john’s shirt.

“not in a wheelchair,” he whispered, but his attempt at a joke missed as john shrugged, grin just as wide. he slid his hands down jaren’s waist, slipping them under the boy’s thighs. with one big heave, he pulled him up out of the wheelchair. “john!” jaren’s laughter was beautiful. his arms grasped john’s shoulders in his imbalance but john was careful and gave him the space and time to link his legs around his waist. john pressed him against the elevator wall, their bodies fitting firmly together. jaren played with john’s hair, head tilting and eyes glowing. “this is more like it,” he said.

john kissed him the way he knew jaren wanted to be kissed: open, eager and with enough pressure to make him forget who he was. “you’re beautiful,” he murmured, pressing the words to jaren’s lips. the sick boy tipped his head back with a breathless laugh. “absolutely”—john’s lips travelled down jaren’s neck, tattooing each word to the skin—“fucking perfect.”

“john,” something between a gasp and a moan. jaren tugged on john’s hair. “c’mon, you can- you can kiss me more like this tonight.”

he lifted his head again to seal his lips to jaren’s, savouring the taste of him, savouring how he felt. when they split, he noticed the way jaren’s breathing rasped but didn’t mention it. he could see that jaren wanted to pretend. and if that’s what would make him happy, john wasn’t going to make this any harder for him.

the elevator dinged and john placed jaren carefully back in his chair. the eighteen-year old couldn’t remove the grin from his face.

he clapped his hands twice. “on we go!” he declared.

john bit back his laugh, pushing and pulling jaren back and forth as he made ridiculously inaccurate motorbike noises, “revving” jaren up before shoving him forwards and running down the hall as fast as he could.

jaren howled with laughter. john’s heart bloomed.

“stop!”

john obeyed, perhaps a little too roughly as jaren gasped, coughing hard and rough. it passed in a few moments, neither paying it mind. jaren instead pointed to a door right near the end of the corridor.

roof access.

“no.”

“definitely.” jaren tipped his head back to grin at john, big eyes pleading. he reached up and tugged on his love’s sleeve. “pleease!” he begged. “c’mon, i have nothing to lose and it’ll be so much fun up there! we’ll be able to watch the sunset too-“

john sighed. “if i get sent to jail, you better come back and haunt my guard so he bails me out, okay?”

a soft giggle. “okay!”

there was no way john would have been able to say no to him anyway.

he pushed the doorhandle, surprised it was unlocked. someone must have made a mistake there but neither boy was complaining as the tall staircase came into view. jaren pulled the door shut behind them, held tightly in john’s arms as the boy hiked up the stairs to the top. he was careful not to stumble or cause any discomfort.

and when jaren pushed the top door open, both of them agreed in silence that it was worth the risk of trouble. the hospital was the tallest building in the area and they could see the entire sky above them including the growing discoloration that followed the sun in her descent.

“woah…” jaren stared. awed.

john walked across the flat expanse of the roof, very careful about sitting jaren on the edge facing inwards. when he got himself comfortable with his legs handing down over the lip of the roof, he held jaren tightly while he swivelled around to do the same. one arm stayed curled around the ill boy’s waist and after a few moments, his head came to rest gently against john’s shoulder.

“it’s perfect,” he whispered.

“i know.” john pressed a kiss to jaren’s forehead. “you are.”

they stayed out on the roof for an hour. the colours bloomed across the sky. the sun sunk down out of sight. the colours faded. and one by one, each pretty little glimmer lit up in the dark sky above.

when jaren yawned, john decided they’d been out long enough. he pulled his boy back up into his arms, carrying him back downstairs and wheeling him slowly down the quiet halls.

he left a trail of tears behind him.  

once back in their room, he placed jaren back into his bed and moved to leave the room as to not disturb jaren in his crying. a hand caught his shirt before he could. “don’t leave.” a broken whisper. vulnerable.

there was nothing to hide in the dark.

“stay. please. let me-…” he let out a shaky exhale, eyes glimmering with tears. “kiss me until i forget that i’m dying… please.”

so he did. john fit himself between jaren’s legs, fingers tugging at his hair as he poured his heart into every single touch, every soft whisper, every time his lips touched jaren’s skin. they lost their clothes in the mix of it, lost track of time, lost track of where they were. with john’s lips on his, jaren could think of nothing else.

that was the way he wanted it to be. john. only john. always john.

when they laid together beneath the blankets later, jaren sobbed into john’s shoulder until he tired and passed out from exhaustion. john didn’t stop him, he didn’t speak, he didn’t soothe.

some wounds couldn’t be healed.

he held him. ran his fingers through his hair. kissed away his tears. and once he’d fallen asleep john pressed a final kiss to his forehead and murmured: “i love you,” to the silence that cradled them both.

-

jaren’s second day of being eighteen consisted of waking up in john’s arms to a dull pain in his chest and a cloudy feeling in his head. john had already been awake, staring up at the ceiling so lost in thoughts he only acknowledged jaren when the boy rolled off him.

“we both need showers,” he mumbled, body jerking as he coughed into his arm. the sound was violent. john tried not to visibly flinch.

but he was right. they both smelt bad and jaren’s bedsheets really needed changing. collecting the rough towels they were given, john called for a nurse and apologised with a red face for the mess. she waved them off and he locked the two of them away in the little bathroom.

john got busy filling up the bath.

“how do you feel?”

jaren’s response was a lazy hum, playing with the water they laid in. he leant back against john’s chest, the warm water addictingly soothing. “sleepy,” seemed to be the only answer he had and john nodded in thought.

“the guys messaged.” he kissed jaren’s shoulder. “they said they wanted to see you if you wanna hang out with them for an hour?”

a soft giggle floated from his lips. “that’d be fun.”

“they miss us.”

“mm… i miss them too.”

“so do i.”

by the time john helped jaren back out of the bath, their fingers were wrinkled and jaren was practically asleep as john towelled him dry. back in their room with fresh sheets, john helped him into comfortable pants and a big shirt. he ignored the lack of fat on his body, ribs and hip bones jutting out more than john had ever seen them.

jaren had stopped eating. the nurses said it was normal.

two hours later of listening to music and telling each other stupid jokes, the boys arrived and all of them piled into the room. the second jaren glanced around at all of them, the big smile on his face crumpled and he broke.

confusion spread. john felt sick. “you guys don’t… shit.” no one told them.

jaren shook his head, sniffling and trying to force back his sobs. “it- it’s okay, john. i didn’t expect- it’s- it’s okay.”

toby stepped up to jaren’s side, taking his hand. his big blue eyes glowed in concern. “what is it, jaren?”

“oh god.” jay gripped matt’s arm tightly. “something’s wrong.”

jaren took a moment, wheezing as he tried to take a deep breath. he stared down at his lap when he spoke. “my heart muscle is damaged and… my-… my heart’s going to fail in the next couple of days.”

john felt agony explode in every person in the room.

“no, no, no. that can’t be true, this can’t be real.” jay’s hands flew to his hair, eyes blown wide. tears welled up in mason’s eyes as he stared, looking to john in horror, in hopes of him revealing that it wasn’t true, that jaren was going to be okay.

john stared at his hands. eric cursed: “shit.” he turned to face the wall, ducking his head. his fists clenched. “fuck!” he shouted and cam turned to him, grabbing his hands to stop him from punching a wall. the blonde was pale, chilled to the bone at the thought. matt pulled mason in for a hug, the boy sobbing quietly. toby couldn’t choke back his tears.

jaren sobbed into his hands. “i- i’m sorry-“

jay dragged himself up onto jaren’s bed, sitting on his knees beside him. with tears streaming down his face, he grabbed jaren by the arms and pulled him upright. thin fingers grasped the black jacket and jay threw his arms around the dying boy. “don’t apologise. don’t apologise, don’t say sorry, don’t feel- don’t feel bad for being so unlucky.”

jaren trembled.

“we’re here to see you. we’re here because we missed you and- and this is so… fucking awful. bu- but we’re here to see you and- and if you have so little time left we better make that little time good, we have to make this day incredible, okay?” toby’s words were shaken.

but he spoke openly and the rest of the boys managed murmurs or nods of agreement. no one can prepare a nineteen year old to lose one of his closest friends. none of these boys were ready to deal with something so difficult but they agreed with toby. there was nothing in crying and screaming and cursing whatever god may be out there.

if they could make jaren smile and laugh, that was what they would do.

and so they did what they’d been doing best since they’d all come together: caused mayhem. they all vanished from the room in search of food at one point, leaving jaren, jay and john to sit around together for half an hour (which was far too long to be waiting for food, mind you).

but being the legend he was, jay had brought a pack of uno cards to which they started their own game on jaren’s bed. when the boys all returned, jaren could not stop laughing. completely disregarding their current game of uno, eric dropped at least one of every possible purchase from the cafeteria onto the bed.

it was far too much food for eight boys and there was no hesitation as they all tore into it as if starving. jaren just watched, smile stuck on his face as his friends ate with absolutely no care for manners and fought over every little thing they could possibly argue about.

jaren barely felt the growing pain in his heart.

when the food was all finished (or packed away for the boys to take home), cam and matt got rid of it and they all crowded around jaren’s bed to play uno. eric vanished for two minutes at the beginning, reappearing in the room with a whole stack of chairs for everyone. he didn’t say a word about how he got them and the other boys new better than to ask.

they played for three hours and although jaren remained rather quiet, there was no change in their behaviour. they pretended nothing was different and he loved it. he wanted things to stay that way forever, in those moments.

when the regular nurse stopped by, it was an understatement to say she was shocked to find an extra six boys in the room with john and jaren. jaren couldn’t stop snickering as eric and mason competed (badly) as they tried to flirt with her and plead her for her number. cam shoved mason off his chair when he commented on the girl’s nurse uniform, holding him by his ear until he was spouting apologies.

all of them rioted as she scribbled her number down on cam’s arm. eric laid on the floor face down for three more rounds and mason didn’t lose his pout until he won a game of his own and earnt back some of his pride.

when it came to evening, it all came crashing back down.

jaren cried harder than he ever had as each boy hugged him tightly a number of times. it was too surreal, too unbelievable. not one of them could seriously believe this boy that they adored was dying. they all left slowly, reluctantly. they didn’t stop crying. they couldn’t.

john climbed into jaren’s bed and pulled him into his lap. the crying was raw. it was brutal and unrestrainable. his chest heaved. his whole body shook like a leaf. “it hurts so much,” he forced out, gasping each breath in with desperation. “it hurts so f- fucking much.”

“i’m sorry,” john whispered, his tears falling to jaren’s hair. “i’m sorry i can’t… stop the pain. i’m sorry i can’t take it for you. i’m sorry that this- that this is happening to you- fuck.” jaren sobbed, turning his face up to john’s. john held his face still wiping the tears away. he pressed his lips to jaren’s. steady. determined. desperate. when he broke away, he couldn’t stop the sob from tearing up out his throat. “i’m so sorry.”

he would do anything – anything – to take that pain away from jaren. to be able to kiss him and heal him. to be able to love him and save him. to be able to do anything.

“i love you.” the words tumbled from his lips and he didn’t stop himself. he didn’t cut them off, he didn’t hide it, he didn’t avoid it. jaren’s eyes shimmered, john resting their foreheads together. “i love you,” he said again.

“i know-“

“no, ren. listen to me, please. i- i love you and i haven’t… told you that enough. i haven’t been as serious as i should have been. i haven’t given you the love that you deserve-“

“john,” jaren cut him off, cupping his face with a weak smile. “i know.”

“i’ve been in love with you for years.” he pushed on, holding those dark eyes, holding that beautiful face in his hands. “years, and years, and years, and- we didn’t need to talk about it because it was perfect. you… are perfect… but we should have. i should have. because i love you, i am so in love with you and i should have made it a bigger deal, i should have told you more, told you sooner. i- i love you like you’re supposed to love a girlfriend…” he opened himself up, peeled away any defensive walls. his words threw them back, put them back in that tree, took the last week of agony away like it had never been there.

“i can’t be a girlfriend when i’m not a girl,” jaren whispered, response awed as he lost himself in john’s eyes. the pain in his chest faded out of his thoughts.

“then- then be my boyfriend.”

jaren sobbed, tears falling faster. they couldn’t stop his smile. “okay,” he whispered.

night fell around the hospital. darkness drew in like fog beneath the door and through the glass. jaren cried as the pain in his chest bloomed bigger and louder and stretched. through every vein and artery. john held him. a piece of himself was dying too.

“i love you,” he’d whispered, the two lying facing each other, foreheads together. one of jaren’s hands held onto john’s, the other gripped his own shirt right above his heart. his eyes stayed shut.

“i love you.” rasped. wheezing. but real. true. honest.

“i love you,” john repeated, voice cracking. jaren’s sobs slowed, quietened. his trembling stopped, sleep overcame the small, dying boy. john pressed a kiss to the wet cheekbone of the his love, his best friend, his boyfriend; before he too gave way to exhaustion.

2:24am. john woke up. the hand in his was cold. the machines around them were still and silent. the boy he had fallen in love with over his nineteen years of life was still. his heart was silent.

[prettylittlelyres]

Violins and NOT VIOLAS

Apparently I’m the kind of gay disaster who gives herself asthma attacks walking to university while very, very excited about Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and all the cats he had (he did have a lot of pets, but not just cats; dogs and birds also, as far as I know, maybe others, too), but apparently, I'm also going to be an absolute fool on top of that, and not wait until I've finished my current WIP, She Has No Name, or drafted Violins and Violets to completion, before I go off on one about all the very fun ideas I have for expanding the world around the novel. As my housemate and my sister will confirm, I spent all of yesterday yelling about this.

OK.

OK, so, since I took my Ventolin like a good and responsible little sickie (which I'm mentioning so that my Year Abroad coordinator will not bar me from going to France next year on grounds that I technically might die (which I probably won't)), I'm alive to chuck a bunch of coffee down my throat and get started on the very fun list of things I am going to talk about in the Hans-centric book.

Putting a “Read More” here because it gets long. Strap yourselves in, pals.

For a start, although it's only a working title, I do know that I want all the books in this collection to be titled in the same or at least in a similar format (like "Violins and Violets", "something musical" and "something gay”), I’m going to be calling this one, at the very least for the time being, Violins and not Violas, because (to quote TwoSetViolin, a big inspiration for this series and a big reason I procrastinate instead of a) writing and b) practicing) violas are shit.

But quite honestly, it is going to revolve, at least partially, around Hans Schmidt’s open dislike of violas and violists (somewhat akin but less personally-motivated than his sister’s distrust of oboists (100% justified after the Herr Havelka issue (which I definitely didn’t just put into the story to justify flexing on the oboe (the viola of the woodwind section (I play clarinet (occasionally (God, so many brackets))))))), and his quest to “invent a viola that isn’t shit” (his words, not mine).

Because anything is possible in fiction.

So, Hans Schmidt (as I recently realised that we never actually see him in Violins and Violets, and when he went off on his tour of Europe, before the events of the book, he said goodbye to his sister for the last time; they never see each other again) is going to be the star of Violins and not Violas.

He’s going to learn to make instruments (violins first), which is a skill he’s going to have to learn (and which I’m going to have to work into his letters to Käthe, which I will have to curate so, so carefully from now on for the sake of continuity), so that will involve a friendship with the person who teaches him this, and then he’s going to have lots and lots of fun inventing instruments for people (and naming his favourite ones after his best friends), and passing the skill on to others (Mozart would not want music to be the exclusive realm of the elite and nor does Hans Schmidt). Hence his life-work being “make an unshit viola” (again, his words, not mine).

My favourite aro-ace violinist legend is going to be exceedingly flamboyant in his dress, look rapper-dapper a.f. all the time (think 18th century Freddie Mercury), and I mean Rapper-Dapper A.F. All The Time. This is a man who makes quite a bit of money as a) a musician by Royal Appointment at the Court of the English King, and b) selling the very interesting and cool musical instruments that he has made/invented. He has the means to wear satin nightshirts, wigs dyed every colour of the rainbow, and velvet jackets embroidered very lavishly by none other than himself (another skill he learns from a customer who is very grateful for her violin), and he’s damn well going to use them. He’s not just a top-of-the league musician. He’s a fashion icon and he’s not going to let anyone forget it.

As I say, Mozart had a lot of pets of lots of kinds, but Hans is going to have so many cats. It starts when people start giving him flowers after his performances at court, and the flowers smell very lovely and attract lots of cats that the courtiers keep as pets (who have the added benefit of chasing away the mice), and Hans fairly quickly makes friends with the cats, too, and over time just gets followed around by an increasingly massive number of cats. I’m talking fifty and more. And you bet he knows all their names, and gets cats of his own, and sits in his workshop surrounded by all these lovely cats who are very soft and lovely, and definitely don’t fight to be the ones to sit on his shoulders. It’s going to be so good.

The story’s going to start a little before Violins and Violets, sometime prior to Hans’ departure from Salzburg (and therefore before his sister, Katharina, goes to Prague) for his European tour. I’m thinking it’ll still start in 1785, just like Violins and Violets, but earlier that same year, when Hans is 15 and Katharina 19 (Violins and Violets starts on her 20th birthday). That gives me some time to develop their relationship as siblings before he leaves, and to pay more attention to their last goodbye.

However, I’m going to end this book long before I end Violins and Violets (1815), because I don’t want to focus on Hans’ death. I want this to be a story about his life instead, because there aren’t enough happy Queer people in historical fiction. Also because I cried enough last time I wrote his death. And the time before. I’m not doing that again.

I’m not yet sure exactly when I will end the story, because I’m not exactly sure of what structure this plot is going to follow, but... uh... I just looked it up in my plans... and Hans dies from typhus in 1793, so I’m going to have to make the story fit into only 8 years. Luckily, he’s a prodigy of music, so I think it’s reasonable to write him as a fast learner; that would let him (with his extremely creative mind, one of the few that can match Katharina’s) pick up the skill of violin-building quickly, coming up with ideas for his own inventions and then leaving those as his legacy as much as his music. Think Sax, but with less ridiculousness. As I say, I’m going to have to be careful about incorporating his story into Katharina’s, particularly where the letters they exchange are concerned. There’s no reason for him to keep inventing musical instruments a secret, so I can’t fall back on that as an excuse (although it has crossed my mind. Maybe he has to invent his unshit viola in a graveyard, under cover of darkness).

[i-am-thornqueen]

Your addition to that post is incredible and I think you’re so amazingly accomplished! But please expand on more dumb shit your brothers have done because I’m laughing so hard literal tears are forming (why cinnamon in the ass? What would that achieve??? I’m dying)

You are absolutely too sweet, my dear! And I am always happy to expand on dumb shit my brothers have done. There really isn’t any shortage for dumbassery in my family! 8D 

When one brother was young, he was a bottomless black-hole of eating. He wouldn’t stop eating no matter what. He didn’t even have a tapeworm or anything, he just loved eating. He got into the habit of eating out of the garbage can to the point where my mother had to duct tape our garbage can shut so that a 2 year old didn’t throw himself headfirst into to, which was always great trying to explain to our guests. 

The other brother was the sort to lick, poke, prick, prod, or pinch anything he could get his hands on. By the time he was five, he managed to overdose on Tylenol twice, eat a whole bottle of Flintstone vitamins, sucked a Ventolin inhaler dry, and drink Mr. Clean cleaning solution. Also by the time he was five, Poison Control knew us by name. 

The youngest one also liked to eat felt-tipped markers for some reason. It’s not like the tasted good or anything, but he had an obsession with biting the tips off of markers. It meant there was only Crayola non-toxic markers in the house, because no one wanted to find out what happened when a 3 yo ate a Sharpie. So one day, he broke into my art box and stole my markers and was in the process of eating all the blue ones when I found him. He had blue all over his face, his mouth was blue, he had blue foam and drool dripping down his front. He was also in his underwear, because apparently you can’t eat felt-tipped markers with your clothes on. It was also at this time that his Speech Therapist showed up, because he had a speech impediment, and no one believed me when I said it was because of the markers. WELL. Apparently adults freak out when you drag a naked, screaming child down the hallway who is literally blue in the face, foaming blue at the mouth, and there was enough blue dye in the markers to somehow get into his tear ducts and there is now blue tears streaming down his face. My mom had to very carefully explain that no, he doesn’t have rabies, he just comes that way. 

Both of them are also strangely indestructible, which probably works in their favour considering how stupid they are.

My youngest brother once came out of a ditch on his dirt bike and ended up on a gravel road where a woman was doing 70 km/hr (fucking speeding 20 over the limit), and there was no time for him to get out of the way. So, all he did was lift his leg so it didn’t go under the car with his bike and let the car hit him. He hit the windshield, hit the hood, hit the ground, and then got up, said “sorry I hit your car, lady,” and walked home.  

Another time, both of them were playing on a trampoline when one accidentally fell down and tripped the other one to fall, teeth-first, on top of him. The force of impact rammed one brother’s teeth straight down through the top of the other brother’s scalp until you could see bone; landing teeth-first was also enough force to actually sheer my brother’s molars’ crowns off so his teeth ended up perfectly smooth. Luckily, they were all baby teeth, so they were eventually replaced. When my mom and i came home later than day, one had an ice pack on his head and the other in his mouth, and neither said nothing about it. 

And speaking of baby teeth, guess how that brother got rid of his baby teeth! As soon as he learned that teeth had cash value, he got it into his head that he could get a lot for very little just by ripping them out of his head. It was not uncommon to come home and find him sitting in his underwear on the couch with a pair of pliers he stole from my dad, watching TV while he absentmindedly used heavy duty tools to wiggle his sheered off baby teeth out of his mouth. 

And like, this is basically all before puberty set in. Believe it or not, they just got weirder after that. ^^; 

[daddychims]

Offside Pt15

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15

Series Masterlist!

Genre: Smut, Soccer AU, College AU

Pairings: Soccer Player! Jungkook X Sports Trainer! Reader

Word Count: 2k

Other BTS members all make a cameo as well because I’m an OT7 Trash!

You work as a sports trainer, providing basic first aid and injury management for the Hanguk University’s soccer team. Going with your mundane life of caring for the dozen of guys hurting themselves in the soccer game takes a turn when one of the guys catches your eyes. It’s not his breathtakingly good looks or his muscular athletic body usually seducing girls at the campus that catches your eyes. But the action plan in your kit, indicating he is diagnosed with Asthma is what draws your eyes time and time again to the Golden Boy of Hanguk University.

Warning: Slow burn, eventual smut, Taehyung being a freaking tease the whole time, Also Jimin not letting the female MC live for one day, Fuckboy!Jungkook, Asthmatic! Jungkook , mentions of episodes of Asthma, Take your Ventolin kids, Take your medications kids!

P.S. the final member made a cameo (or should I say honorary mention?) , everyone please welcome Mr Min Yoongi! 

“Do I get to finally taste some of your placebo effect?”

You watch as the guy’s lips curls on one side to a slight smirk, pushing you against the doorframe and locking you between his half naked figure and the frame

“J-Jimin,” you gasp pushing against the guy’s bare chest “I need to wash up before dinner!”

“My dinners served right here,” he retorts as he presses his forehead against yours “Where would I go when my full course meal is standing right here ready for me to eat her up.”

“Jimin,” you scold in an authoritative tone “Joon and Jiwoo are waiting for us!”

“Babe, why are you so tense, you just gotta let go and indulge a bit,” he sighs as he moves his head down to your chin, pressing a gentle kiss on the soft skin under your lips “, my tongue skills has never disappointed anyone and you’re not gonna be a first!”

You gulp as a rush of arousal shoots between your legs, biting your lips to deny the temptations of giving in to the guy’s seductive words but the earlier images of Jungkook warning you against Jimin tugs on your heart.

“I’m hungry,” you reply firmly, shifting to move away from him and watch him part his lips to respond but you immediately predict his next words “and not hungry for you Park! LIKE GENIUNLY HUNGRY!”

“Fine, I don’t know if you heard but the menu is my delicious chicken curry,” He chuckles, his moon shaped eyes disappearing as he moves away from you “I’ll let you go on one condition!”

“What?” you raise an eyebrow

“Joonie hyung said you give killer massages,” he smirks viciously “and our club’s physio thinks I would really benefit from some massage.”

“You’re telling me none of your booty calls are capable of rubbing your neck for you!” you roll your eyes as you walk to the sink to wash your hand

“They’re just good at rubbing one off, but not really my neck” he rests his hand on the doorframe “somewhere down south!”

You glance at him pointing at his dick which the towel is doing a mediocore job of hiding and roll your eyes “Off course they would!” you snicker as you turn the tap off and move to walk pass him

“So, are we on?” He asks as he follows you, not caring that he’s about to walk in the living room literally half naked “Am I getting one of your killer massages or not?”

“I’ll see,” you turn around stopping him as you face him “If you behave, like a good boy,” A slight smile plasters on your lips as your hands travels to his blonde hair to stroke the silky strands “then I might consider.”

“Mhmmm,” he raises an eyebrow, “So you’re into good boys huh?” his eyes darken as he takes a step forward and murmurs “Then why the fuck were you messing around with a guy like Yoongi Hyung?”

Your eyes widen and you immediately step back, expression hardening but he stops you by holding around your waist “How-How do you know?”

“Relax,” he soothes “Yoongi Hyung was SNU soccer team’s wildcard before setting off for nationals,” he explains softly “Hanguk’s Nerd and SNU’s Jock, your story is one of the campus favourite love stories.”

“Failed love story,” you correct with a cold tone “If you haven’t heard the ending, I’ll let tell you, Min Yoongi cheated on me,” you add with a tone dripping with venom “Which was a good lesson for me to not mess around with guys like him anymore!”

“Mhmm guys like him …” Jimin’s voice trails off as he stares at you for a few seconds in silence, as if he’s trying to figure you out “Explains why you’ve been playing so hard to get!”

“Now you know Park,” you flash a bitter smile “Keep it moving and go make your love story with another girl,” you hesitate before adding “One that is still stupid enough to believes there is a happy ending with guys like you and Min Yoongi.”

You turn on your heels but his words stop you “I just want my massage,” he calls and you look back at him with an annoyed expression “I’ll be a good boy!” he throws his hand up in the air as a sign of succumbing to you

“Get dressed and let’s have dinner first!”

“Yes Ma’am.” He salutes with a naughty tone before running down the hallway like a little boy

You sigh and turn around towards the living room where Jiwoo and Joon are already indulging in the chicken curry Jimin cooked

“Hurry up,” Joon calls with mouth full of food “It’s getting cold, where is Park?”

“Getting dressed,” you mutter through gritted teeth “maybe you should have told me he’s naked in the shower when I was heading to bathroom.”

“Sorry I forgot,” he shrugs as he jams another mouthful of rice and curry in his mouth “It’s not like you don’t see naked guys at you at work all the time.”

“So …” Jiwoo interrupts as you scoop some curry into your plate “You and Jeon huh?”

“JOON!” You cry and the guy immediately chokes on his food, developing a coughing fit immediately “You’re fucking useless!” you cry in rage

“don’t scold him,” Jiwoo glares at you as he hands a cup of water to her boyfriend “you’re useless for not telling me that you’re about to get some of that Golden dick? Why? You thought I’ll ask you to share?”

“Hey Hey,” Joon knocks on the table with a raspy voice, scolding Jiwoo “You young lady, you’re not thirsting over dick when I’m sitting here all healthy and ready to serve you!”

“I was just saying,” Jiwoo rolls her eyes “The point is this little snake is fucking Hanguk’s Golden Dick and is not telling me- “

“who’s fucking Hanguk’s Golden dick?” Jimin walks in the living room and you immediately motion to Jiwoo to shut up

“Nothing, this curry is actually good- “you try to change the subject, but your dense friend is clueless to your effort

“She’s fucking Hanguk’s golden dick,” Jiwoo motions to you explaining to Jimin “AKA Jeon Jungkook!”

“Oh,” Jimin nods, glancing at you “Interesting, last time I asked her she denied!”

“Wait, how did you know?” Joon asks with a confused tone

“Last time we were playing billiard, Jeon was eating her up with his eyes,” Jimin explains with a casual tone “Then he and his stupid friend pulled this shit of betting with me over driving her home,” he hesitates as he munches on his bread “the guy’s pretty aggressive!”

“Didn’t I tell you to take her home?” Joon throws a piece of bread at Jimin before glancing at you “So this has been going for a while!”

“First of all, I can get my ass home just fine, you don’t need to assign your minions to take care of me,” you glance at Jimin and quickly mutter “Second of all, NOTHING HAS BEEN GOING ON! Just because you all can’t keep your coochie in your pants like some hormonal teenagers doesn’t mean I can’t either!”

“They’re boning,” Jimin immediately replies following your statement

“I agree,” Jiwoo reaches to high five him “The fact that she’s denying it so hard, proves it all more!”

“I don’t care if you’ve fucked him or not,” Joon adds “You’re stopping it right here, right now!” he warns before glancing at Jimin “And you, next time I assign you to take care of her, you stick to her and don’t leave her side until I say so.”

“Yes Captain,” Jimin’s grin widens as he wraps his arms around you “Got the field all covered, Jeon wouldn’t even get past the midfield to make the goal.”

“I am doing just fine not boning Jeon,” you swat his hand away as you glare at your best friend “Also it’s not like your little minion is any better than Jeon!”

“Darling, I’m sitting right here,” Jimin raises an eyebrow “That’s the second time you’ve insulted my height and I can only take so much.”

“You called me a field like I’m some sort of a fucking ball game!” you spit back at the guy in disbelief

“This is why I’m not worried about him,” Joon chimes in “You two probably kill each other before actually get to the action. In my risk analysis he’s less dangerous than Jeon at this point.”

“Your risk analysis can suck my non-existent dick!” you throw a napkin at him

“I don’t care what you say,” Joon declares firmly “Jeon is a no no, I can lend you the whole SNU’s soccer club if you need to get laid, but Jeon is too risky for you. Stay away from him.”

“Thanks for the advice grandpa,” you roll your eyes “Keep your SNU boys to yourself.”

“You can always have me all to yourself baby,” Jimin leans in to whisper against your ears when you bring the knife up close to him

“Behave Park! I have a knife in my hand!”

You sigh as he laughs and shifts away from you and all of you continue eating your dinner in peace.

-

You look at the guy gasping for air as he crouches down against the wall, your shaking hands immediately looking through your kit as you find the can of supplemental oxygen and rush back to him. You don’t know how you got yourself to the office when the coach told you Jeon left the game half time because he wasn’t feeling well and asked you to check on him before Dr. Kim arrives because it looked kind of serious.

You immediately made a phone call to Dr Kim as you ran with your life to the office where you hoped you’d find the guy. When you entered the office you found the guy plastered against the wall, coughing for his life, his lips parted and gasping for air, a layer of sweat on his forehead and tears in his eyes sending you to a full on panic on all the sign and symptoms of a fight or flight response you could recognize.

You kneel against him, bringing the mouthpiece to his lips “On the count of three, take a deep breath in for me-“

Your gaze falters as he slaps the can away from him and brings his dark gaze to you

“J-Jeon-“

“I don’t need your pity,” he says through gritted teeth “Get out of my face.”

“I called Dr.Kim, he told me to give you some oxygen while we wait on him,” You mutter, anger taking over your words but trying really hard to stay calm “I’ll get fired if he arrives and knows I haven’t done my job!”

“Wouldn’t that be good for you?” He scoffs raising an eyebrow “Maybe you can get a job at SNU and suck Park Jimin’s dick full time.”

“W-What?” you furrow your eyebrows “What are you talking about-“

“You went riding his dick right after you were about to fuck me IN MY FUCKING ROOM,” he raises his voice “I saw how you were straddling him on Jiwoo Nuna’s Instagram.”

Your head starts running like a clock and you feel your breath hitching in your throat, you never noticed Jiwoo taking a picture of you. But knowing the girl is a social media guru you weren’t surprised hearing she posted a photo of you giving Jimin a neck massage. And to anyone who wasn’t there that night, specially the guy sitting against you it would look as if you were doing things other than just a therapeutic massage.

“I- “you part your lips “I didn’t- “

“So, it’s just me isn’t it?” He raises an eyebrow “Whenever I fucking touch you, you push me away and act all virgin Mary,” He scoffs “But You don’t have a problem humping Park Jimin’s cock like a whore, Do you?”

“Jungkook, J-Just please stop talking! “ you sigh “I can explain, it’s not what you’re thinking-”

“Is it because I’m sick?”

Your eyes widen as you look at him, trying to figure out if you actually heard him wrong “What?”

“Is it because of my asthma?” He asks, glaring at you, tears and hurt plastered on his expression “Is that why you’re turned off by me?”

“J-Jeon …” you sigh his name, heart beating fast in your chest as you try to digest his words

“What could be the reason then?” his eyes roams around the room as he lists the reasons “I’m taller than him, hotter than him, play better soccer, Fuck even my dick’s bigger than that 3 inch and you fucking know it,”  he brings his hooded gaze to you “No matter how much I think about it, It’s my Asthma, that must be it!”

Your heart starts aching in your chest, all you want to do is to press your lips against the guy’s quivering lips, kissing him until you prove to him that whatever story he’s painting is not real. That you’ve never perceived him any less attractive just because of his condition. That if Joon wasn’t on your ass since the night you were at his place, you probably would have fucked him already.

But you can’t do that, and you know it very well, that if you confess that you’ve been attracted to the guy you would enter a dangerous territory that you know is risky. More important than that you can’t go against your promise with your best friend and mess with the guy he warned you against.

“I- “you gulp looking at him as you try to form the sentence but the door snaps open, revealing Dr. Kim who rushes in

“I’m here!” he declares, and you quickly distance yourself from the guy, sighing in relief