tonariofjananda · 2 years ago
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I dunno I think they might share a couple similarities
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Some ramblings about the concept of bloody tears below…
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Someone was wondering about Tonari crying blood in the OP on Reddit some time ago and tbh it always made me wonder, I’d just get distracted by how pretty that 1 second was lol. This is interesting tho, I guess it acts as a fake death knell. It’s arguably the only thing that was 100% lie the opening, if that was the intended symbolism. It might not be, idk 🤔 If anyone is more familiar with the symbolism I’d love to hear your thoughts. Or who knows, maybe they just did it cuz it looked beautiful. And damn if my girl doesn’t look beautiful 😔
Then there’s Giorno, who, due to childhood trauma, is incapable of crying. He trembles instead. It’s not a detail that’s crazy important to the overall story, but it does shed some light on more emotional scenes where he begins to shake. That said, there’s a scene towards the end of the arc where his stand gets hit over the eye and shatters. I always thought it’d be cool for the scene if his eyes went read and he “cried blood” à la Castlevania. He technically does this in other stand battles, sustaining an injury around his eye in one fight, and having streaks of blood fall from his forehead and down his cheeks in another; but the final battle comes directly after he knows how many of his friends have died . It woulda been neat little detail, but maybe Araki didn’t want to overuse it after having done something similar twice. Still a cool thought tho!
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Actually I can’t believe I forgot about Fushi also “crying blood” on Jananda towards the beginning of the tournament. While I think his tears can fall under this explanation, I think he more closely falls under the same explanation as Giorno. Both the idea that he can’t cry due to normal means, but also the fact that he’s thinking about Gugu while this happens, so he really is overwhelmed with emotion tbh.
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littlestpersimmon · 3 months ago
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Hi guys. Am sick rn, but had wanted to post this before I go and sleep.
Some of you may already know that patreon sent out an update that charges anyone using ios to subscribe to artist's patreons 30% more.
I immediately feel this impact mere hours later, and now, days later. I'm hemorrhaging patrons & have less income. It would mean the while world to me if you guys could please reblog this.
If you use the desktop version or the android app? you will not have to pay 30% more. Needless to say this decision of apple has completely fucked me over months and months to come, unless I somehow make up for my loss by other means.
My patreon is only a dollar a month!
I have around 400 exclusive artwork on it :)
I am working on uploading more art there, and more comics once I am done with my current contract as a comic artist.
I am currently partially homeless- so being alive in general is hard ;y; I wanted to focus more of my work on patreon, until this update- I only have one tier.
I am working as hard as I can, every month ♡ I am also the caretaker of three disabled people- as my dad, who used to do all the housework, is now too sick with a swollen liver that could possibly be connected to his heart problems, and my mama who has limited movement- she "died" of sepsis many years ago after giving birth to my sister, and was revived with nerve damage. I don't know the medical terms, but she was brain dead for however long, and was successfully brought back in a different hospital. She was comatose for months; this event has lead to my family losing everything in hospital bills, our car, our house (literally we became homeless) ah. But long story short, I am the only person in my family who works- as my sister is a teenager, and she is autistic with a very, very low frustration threshold, as she is also a picky eater and still going to school! I'm sorry, many of my followers already know this story by now, I have already doxxed myself multiple times trying to avert crisis after crisis, ahaha. But yes. Patreon added to my cart of Sorrows, and would love to have more folks who aren't using apple, or are using android and the web to come on over and maybe enjoy some of my private art up there. I post around 3-6 art a month, if I am lucky 7. I want to keep making art, and my patreon was what was giving me a semblance of stability until that silly update. Sorry for the long post, and I appreciate everyone helping, reblogging, saying kind words to me, praying for me. G-d bless you all, and stay safe
My patreon:
Direct tipping jar:
My print shop!
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hisui-dreamer · 9 months ago
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YOOOOO CONGRATS ON 2K FOLLOWERS!!!
For the flower event, may I request a Leona x gn!reader with flowers that mean something like 'i love you' or 'you mean the world to me' but with flowers that is from a Chinese culture?
if its not possible, then regular ol' flowers are fine too
lotus bonds
Pairing: Leona Kingscholar x gn!reader
Synopsis: gifting leona a cool flower you found, but he seems to appreciate it more than you thought he would
Tags: fluff, reader is a bit oblivious?, domestic fluff
Word count: 420
Notes: i couldn't find a flower with the exact same meaning so i hope you're okay with this one!!
Masterlist
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flower of choice: conjoined lotus
its unique characteristic of having conjoined flowers on one stem symbolizes unity and interconnectedness in love, mirroring the connection between lovers. if a lotus root is cut, there are "threads" that still connect them, meaning it is not easy to force them apart. if one flower is damaged, the other is affected as well, signifying the concept of growing old together and sharing life's joys and sorrows.
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"Leona, Leona, look what I found!"
The slumbering beastman stirred from his nap at the sound of your voice, his heavy eyelids fluttering open. With a low grumble, he rubbed his eyes, attempting to adjust his eyes to the sunlit room. "What's all the noise about?" he muttered, his voice thick with drowsiness.
"I found these flowers at the lake today," you said softly, a hint of colour dusting your cheeks. "These two are conjoined together, isn't that amazing?"
With his curiosity aroused, he reached out, his fingers gently grasping the delicate petals of the flower, his touch careful and deliberate. As he examined each bloom, the concept of conjoined lotuses stirred a distant memory. He recalled reading about them some time ago, their significance in the Far East, a message they symbolized…
Conjoined flowers, a metaphor for the intertwining bonds of mutual love and affection found within marriages… with lotuses being the purest loves of all…
A flush of warmth crept up his cheeks as the realization washed over him. Glancing at you to study your expression, you seemed to be oblivious to the hidden meaning behind the flowers.
He chuckled softly, a hint of amusement in his voice. You were far too daring for your own good. He brushed his hand through his hair in an attempt to cool the heat rising within him. You really have no idea of the effect you have on him, huh?
Setting the flowers delicately on his bedside table, he made a mental note to cast a preserving spell on them later.
"C'mere," he murmured, tugging gently at your hand, drawing you into his embrace. Resting his head against your shoulder, he savours the comforting press of your warmth against his chest. He delights in the way you nestled into his embrace, a contented sigh escaping your lips as you leaned your weight against him.
...Maybe marriage with you wouldn't be so bad.
"Thank you for the flowers," he whispered against your ear, his arms enveloping you in a gentle squeeze.
"So, what other stuff did ya do today?"
Masterlist
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if you liked this post, don't forget to reblog!
fun fact: lotuses are most famous in ancient china for being a metaphor as a good king, with a poet saying "though lotuses grow from mud, they remain untainted". so you can interpret reader giving the coolest looking lotuses to leona as "you're the coolest bestest king in my eyes" :)
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darkficsyouneveraskedfor · 4 months ago
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Someone New 1
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No tag lists. Do not send asks or DMs about updates. Review my pinned post for guidelines, masterlist, etc.
Warnings: this fic will include angst, pining, romcom tropes, and some darker elements later in the series. Some triggers may not be specifically tagged. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.
This fic will contain explicit content. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.
Summary: You've had a crush on your best friend for years, but you're slapped in the face with reality when he takes things to the next level with his girlfriend.
Characters: Steve Rogers, Thor
Note: please enjoy the first chapter!
As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me.
Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!) Please do not just put ‘more’. I will block you.
I love you all immensely. Take care. 💖
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“No, no, not the pink, red,” you cup your hand over your ear pod, “exactly what it says on the order sheet.” 
Were anyone to see you, sitting in the dirt, with a brush in hand, all alone, they might think you’re a bit out there. You, talking to the air, dusting off a clump of soil, orchestrating your own voice with the bristles. You dip your head as you focus on what the voice in your ear is saying. 
“I’m not trying to be difficult,” you argue, “I put in the order weeks ago. A red bow. I have the receipt– I mean sure, pink or red doesn’t matter to me but it’s not my birthday.” 
“We’ll see what we can do,” the woman relents. It’s not exactly a triumph but as close to as you can hope. If it’s pink, you’ll just have to take the fall. The damn fondant will be devoured by the night’s end anyhow. 
You hang up with a double tap on the ear pod and your playlist resumes. You go back to trying to uncover the shape caked in layers of muck, turning the brush to chip away the rougher bits with the pointed tip. The work is tedious but it has to be. You can’t risk damaging the relic nestled inside. 
The abrupt chiming of your ringtone once more sounds through the bluetooth earpiece. You huff and hit the pod with the heel of your hand. You greet the call with only your name. 
“Are you still on site?” Your boss, Arturo asks. 
“Yep, still here,” you still your hand and twist your arm, pulling back the end of your glove to see your watch, “just a bit longer. You know I have that thing tonight.” 
“Uh, yes, I recall,” he says dully as you hear paper shuffling, “you got time to chat?” 
“Sure,” you keep the cluster of dirt and the brush in one hand and use your other to push yourself to your feet, “I just gotta catalogue this before I finish the day.” 
“Well, I have good news and bad news,” he begins as you carefully walk between the cordoned off patches. The whole place is a maze of where and where not to step. You go into the tent and put down the half uncovered idol. It’s brittle, made of hide and yew, with a bit of bone. “Lucia is pregnant.” 
“Oh? That’s great,” you furrow your brow, wondering what that has to do with you. 
“Means she can’t travel for a while. She’s adverse to long term commitments at the moment so…” 
“So…” you trail off as you label the mound of dirt and make notes for the next day. 
“So, you want her assignment?” 
“Which one?” You peel off your gloves and shake off the excess filth. 
“Norway. It can be a bit dingy but the landscape is nice.” 
“Norway? For how long?” You close up the ledger and tuck it away on the shelf. You pass between the tables of artifacts as you pull out your phone. 
“Could be a while but I figured you never get to go very far. You’ve been pent up in-state for so long, you could use the vacation.” 
“Oh? Well, I…” you scroll through your phone and see the notifications. Emails confirming delivery, messages asking if everything is sorted. “I’d have to think about it…” 
It’s evasion more than indecision. You know you don’t want to go. You can’t go. Your whole life is here. You have an apartment and friends and… Steve. Your best friend.  
“Make sure you do think about it. It’s a great opportunity. Especially for a junior anthropologist. Lucia won’t be on leave forever.” 
“I know. I’ll think about it.” 
You hang up and pluck the earbud out. Ugh, you’re covered in dirt and dust. You don’t have time to go home and shower. You knew you wouldn’t. You have to be at the venue before everyone else. You can change there and try to wash up in the sink. Whatever, no one’s going to be looking at you anyway. It’s Peggy’s night. Yay. 
You lock the fence and tug one last time to make sure it’s secure. You drag your boots across the thinning grass to your car parked on a stretch of gravel. You drop inside and hit start. You connect to the bluetooth and get some tunes going. You buckle your seat belt as you check the mirrors. You’re probably going to have to speed there. 
You back out as the music blares from the speakers. It’s not loud enough to drown out your thoughts. Why did you agree to this? Peggy doesn’t even like you. Oh, but she likes Steve. She is his girlfriend and you are only his best friend. You’re supportive. You keep your mouth shut and smile. 
Ugh. You squeeze the wheel until your knuckles hurt. You know why you offered to help plan the surprise. You’re pathetic but you’re not delusional. It meant you got more time with him. There hasn’t been much of that since Peggy came along, not just the two of you. 
Classic, isn’t it? In love with your best friend. Friends since college. Friends forever, you vowed naively, thinking that forever would never come. Nothing lasts that long, you can only hope to outlast Peggy. 
And if you don’t, maybe this crush will finally run its course. 
💟
Red and white streamers decorate a long table set with trays. There’s a banner over it that reads ‘Happy Birthday, Peggy’, and a stack of gifts already forming in the corner. Guests drift in with anticipation as you hurry around to check off all the items on your list. 
You fix a small vase of flowers, trying to hide the droopy one in the back, and tug a wrinkle out of a tablecloth. You smile and wave at those who are early as you weave between them. You pull out your phone and lean it on the clipboard angle in the crook of your elbow. They’re on their way, okay. Keep it cool. 
As you come to the kitchen door, you nearly collide with someone else. Sam touches your arm gently as he keeps you from tripping backward. You gasp and hug the clipboard with a wobbly grin. 
“Hey,” you greet breathily, “you’re here.” 
You look down at the guest list and check him off. 
“Ah, figured I’d make an appearance,” he kids, “Rogers would take it pretty rough if his best pal wasn’t here.” 
“Please, don’t start that with Bucky again,” you warn as you point the pen in his direction, “the two of you, in fact, are seated separately.” 
“No fun!” He whines dramatically. 
You scrunch your lips at him and peer around. Yes, none of this has been fun. Caterers, servers, tables, space, food! Yes, you were going to check on the cake. Your sole squeaks as you twist sharply and go to slam your hand into the door. 
“Hey,” Sam blocks your way with his arm, “before you disappear, you’re still wearing your boots.” He points to your feet, “in case you’re wondering about the snail trail.” 
He sweeps his finger up in a gesture alluding to your previous path. You glance over at the dirt littered in your stead then down at your dusty boots. You sigh and hang your head back. 
“Fuck!” You snarl. 
“Don’t worry, I’ll find a broom,” he assures you, “while you take a breath. You need it.” 
“I can’t, Sam, they’re already on their way. I still have to get everyone in their place and… quiet,” you scowl, “ugh, this is gonna be so bad. I don’t know what I’m doing.” 
“So… why’d you do it?” He asks as he drags his hand away from the doorframe. You look at him and blink slowly. You shrug. 
“I’m a good friend,” you insist. 
He gives a skeptical hum and nods, “sure are,” he grumbles, “too good, if you ask me.” 
You throw up your hand before turning into the kitchen. You don’t have time to worry about him. Is he jealous that you’re helping Steve so much? Or does he know something else? You don’t let the seed sprout as you nearly cry out at the sight of the cake. 
A pink bow. Jeez. Of course. You check the cake off your list, nearly tearing through the paper. It’s better than nothing, even if Peggy never settles for less than the best. 
There’s no time to complain or send it back. Your phone vibrates again. Five minutes. Your heart is racing. Why? This isn’t even your party. You just want it to be perfect for Steve. You hate to disappoint him. Ever. 
You really shouldn’t care that much but you do. Like so many other things in your life. 
💟
The crowd can't keep quiet. There's a low buzz that ripples through the guests. A wave of anticipation that's spread like a deadly virus. 
You feel a nudge in your side and peek over as Bucky sends Sam a sneer and wriggles in place. Those two never let up. You hiss at them to quit and they look as guilty as a pair of unruly children. 
"He keeps tickling me," Bucky whispers. 
"No, I'm tryna fix his hair, look at this mess," Sam flicks a strand away from Bucky's cheek, "this is a nice event, Buck, not your living room." 
"Both of you," you warn.  
"You're bitching at me when Indiana Jones here brought the dig with her," Bucky mutters. 
You look down. Dammit. You still didn't change out of your boots. You roll your eyes. It's not about you. It's Steve's night. Er, Peggy's.  
You shake out your nerves and shake your head, "you two," you step behind Bucky and insert yourself between the men, "behave." 
"Yes, mom," Sam snickers as Bucky groans and tries to smooth the few shanks that have slipped free of his low ponytail. 
You exhale and give an exasperated look to the door. You really can't handle them on top of everything else. You just want this night to end already. All your hard work and you won't even get to enjoy any of it. 
"Everybody," Natasha hisses as she runs away from the doorway, "they're coming." 
The group quiets, as much as they can, a collective bated breath as you wait and listen. The lull is unbearable as the heat of the bodies around you pricks sweat down your neck and across your scalp. The door begins to open, almost as if in slow motion, and as the guest of honour is revealed, you cry out. 
"SURPRISE!" The eruption of the chorus has your head spinning as Peggy gives a melodramatic swoon, grabbing at Steve's arm as she leans on him heavily. 
She parts only to fan her eyes and squeal. "Oh my god, you guys!"  
She teeters on her heels as people holler happy birthday and her group of girlfriends flutter over to wrap her up in a cacophony of giggles and preening. You smile, a bittersweet twitch in your cheek as you watch her spin back to Steve and pull him into a kiss.  
You're happy for them really, proud to see all your effort come to fruition, but you just feel so hollow. For an instant, you think it should be you right there, gushing in glee over the celebration of another year, with Steve beside you.  
You gulp down the jealousy and wiggle your nose to ward away the tears. That's a stupid thought. If it hasn't happened in more than a decade, it's not going to happen now. 
💟
As the guests disperse into their own conversations, you finally manage to wade through to the happy couple. You approach with a small wave at Steve. He doesn't see you, he's watching Peggy as she chats with Natasha. 
"Hi," you call above the din, "so, you like it?" 
Steve turns to you, confusion stitching his forehead before he registers your questions. He nods and gives a smile, "it's amazing, you did so good!" 
The sparkle in his eyes, the perfect line of his jaw, the way he's looking at you, it makes your heart rend. You tilt your head and dig your toe into the floor bashfully, "thanks. I'm so happy to see it come together." 
"Um, the cake," he brings his index finger up, "I was hoping to bring it out soon." 
"Er, yeah, it's back in the kitchen. About that–" 
"Great," he claps your shoulder and brushes by you, "just gonna put the finishing touches on it." 
"Hm, what do you–" 
He's gone before you can finish your question. You deflate just a little, setting your feet flat as you sway aimlessly. The motion hooks Peggy's attention. You give a sheepish smile as you wring your hands. 
"Oh, uh, just came over to wish you a happy birthday," you chirp, "are you enjoying it?" 
"Ah, I didn't see you here, I thought maybe you were busy…" she gives a pointed look to your boots, "working." 
"Um, yeah, no," you fidget, "always happy to come support you two." 
"Where is Steve?" She gazes past you, shouldering by dismissively, "he was just…." 
Right. You nod and flit away in embarrassment. You can't say you ever got along with Peggy. Where you're accommodating, she's a bit too demanding. Different people, but you don't dislike her. You just don't mesh. Or perhaps it's just that you don't get what Steve sees in her. Especially when you're right there. 
Enough. This isn't about you or your stupid dumb heart. Just smile and go with it. 
The kitchen door swings open, a noise barely discernible above the hue, and the rattling wheels of a cart underline the steady drone. A lull washes over the crowd as they part. You move with the tide and face the sudden divide. 
A hush falls over the room as Steve pushes the cake across the floor. He stops before Peggy as she faces him, another feigned pout of surprise. He grins proudly at her as you stare curiously at the top of the cake. 
"Oh, pink?" She comments on the fondant bow as her eyes flick over to you. She quickly corrects herself an admires the double tiered dessert, "Steve, it's so pretty." 
You know she hates the colour. You recall the one time you wore a pink bow in your hair and she made a similar comment. Cute, she remarked in her roundabout way in her oh so sophisticated accent. 
You manufacture a smile and step closer as Steve beckons to the guest. Tension stills the air, almost paralyzing the crowd. You squint at the heart shaped box perched atop the bow. 
"Is this for me?" Peggy asks if it's not obvious. 
Steve nods, his cheeks tinting pink, as you notice how he wipes his palms on his pants. Peggy delicately takes the box from the pedestal of fondant and your ribs ache from the pounding of your heart. You curl your fingers until your nails dig into your skin as you watch him kneel beside her. 
She doesn't notice as she opens the box on its hinges. Her lips part and she stares at the contents. She looks over at Steve to find him on his knee and she claps her hand over her mouth. Her eyes gleam as she whimpers his name through her fingers. 
The scene hazes behind your tears as you stare wide eyed. Your ears ring as Steve's voice is dulled by your shock. 
"Margaret Elizabeth Carter," Steve's timbre warble just a bit, "will you make me the happiest man on earth?" 
You don't wait for her answer. You already know it. It's the very same you give in every outlandish dream you've ever had of your happy ending. You spin and storm through the crowd, blind with horror and self-pity. 
Surprise! Your whole world is crashing into pieces. 
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thelastofhyde · 11 months ago
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prologue. rome.
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pairing. tourguide!joel miller x fem!reader. series synopsis. on the brink of undergoing a life-altering change, you runaway from your problems in the only way any sane person can: embarking on a mediterranean cruise. there you meet joel miller, a grumpy, private tour-guide, who just so happens to be tasked with touring you through each stop on your cruise. from greek goddesses to roman ruins, you have ten days to avoid your fate. maybe a frowning, southern, sex-on-legs of a man is just what the doctor ordered. chapter summary. like all epic love stories, this one starts with a meet-(un)cute. series warnings. no use of y/n, set in 2015, cruise!au, rom-com, enemies-ish to lovers, sunshine!reader, tour-guide!joel, age gap, depictions/discussions of grief, angst, fluff, a whole load of smut, a lot of cheesy stereotypical romance tropes bc i just wanna see joel not suffer ( too much ) <3 chapter warnings. i’m pretty sure there’s no warnings this chapter. word count. 845. hyde’s input. & so it begins! my goal is to try post a chapter every other friday, but it may be weekly if i write + edit on time. likes and reblogs are appreciated <3 next chapter - series masterlist
Under the buzz of a dying light, you assess the damage.
Tousled hair, smudged mascara, bags under your eyes. Chapped lips, wrinkled clothing, a missing earring. Nail indentations, dry hands, a bruise on your knee.
You'd call yourself a mess, had you not been travelling at full-speed in the air, trapped inside an overgrown Pringles can that grew wings, for the past who-knows-how-many hours.
With a snoring seat-neighbour, a kid kicking at the back of you and the embarrassing sting of tears in your eyes, you'd not known peace until the plane had landed on solid ground. And, even then, the nightmare had picked right back up where it had left off, shapeshifting into a mile long customs queue and the overwhelming dread of watching the conveyor belt spin round and round with not a single sign of your suitcase.
It took a whole hour and speaking to an airport staff member later for them to find your case, right down the other end of the arrivals hall, sitting amongst luggage from a destination you'd certainly not arrived from.
But none of that matters, not now. At least you tell yourself that as you splash some cold water on your face. Looking back in the mirror, you try out a smile. It doesn't look genuine, but it's been a little harder to do recently, and so you give yourself credit for managing to at least have it meet your eyes.
There's a series of disgruntled, irritated faces that greet you as you exit the bathroom. You walk past them, head down, trying to count the beat in your footsteps and feel the roll of your suitcase's wheels.
Finding the signs that point to the arrival gate, you keep a low profile, as if anyone would know you here. Why would anybody know you here? Still, the need to stay hidden, out of sight, it intensifies, even as you take in the welcoming sign above sliding doors.
Buongiorno, benvenuto in Italia!
An overwhelming wave of loneliness hits you as you take your first step past the sliding doors, the usual hustle and bustle of an arrival's lounge greeting you. Couples embracing in reunion, families excitedly catching up on all that they've missed, strangers meeting for the first time, men in suits holding up signs with names and-
A different kind of wave hits you, physically, and suddenly you're on all fours, the sound of your knees smacking harshly into the marble floor taunting you with yet another bruise that'll be making a cameo in every picture you’ll take.
The world continues to pass you by, even as you juggle turmoil and pain. It’s a feat you’re trying to grow used to, but, for now, all you can manage is to not feel your stomach knot. You straighten your back, hands off the floor and your weight resting back against your knees. Pull a deep breath in, ignoring the tremble in your lower lip. In a moment of pure desperation, you wonder what more awaits you on this holiday from hell.
An awful flight, a lost-luggage scare, several bruises and now a public humiliation. What’s next?
You’re plucked up from where you sit, strong hands taking a gentle grip of your forearm. A simple tug and you obey the stranger’s signal, shifting to stand up straight. Turning on your heel to face your rescuer, you’re met with the back of a head, dark locks adorning it as the man reaches back down to grasp at your suitcase’s handle.
The man’s face is revealed slowly, undeliberately, as he rises to level once more, steadying your case back onto its wheels. Handsome, you notice the etching of laugh lines around his eyes and the peppering of patchy, yet fitting, facial hair along his jaw. A pair of headphones, big and chunky and sporting a wire, rest on the back of his neck and the strap of a backpack rests over his right shoulder.
You notice you’re staring a little too late, when there’s already a frown line splitting the skin of his forehead. Clear your throat, take back control of your suitcase and your senses.
Raised with manners, you rather clumsily thrust out your hand for the man to shake. “Thank you for your help, I appreciate it. So much. I'm-"
"You're in the way."
There’s no time to respond, not properly, as the man side-steps you with a grunt, his shoulder catching yours as he passes by. He doesn’t stop to apologise, simply readjusting the sliding strap of his bag and continuing his stride out into the sea of awaiting people.
Involuntarily, frozen where you stand, your eyes follow him as he comes to a stop in front of a uniformed man, a printed sign in his hand.
Signore Miller.
As you scan the crowd for your own name, spotting a casually dressed older gentleman carrying it upon scribbled cardboard, you repeat that name, over and over.
Miller, Miller, Miller.
Whoever the rude man may be, you pray for all those who cross his path on his trip.
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oshinohoshi · 3 months ago
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What do Ai's words in ch 154 say about her?
I thought I said all I wanted to say about the Hikaru/Ai breakup in this post but I want to comment on something major I glossed over: Ai bringing up Taiki, and therefore Hikaru's sexual assault, before she left.
I've had to mull it over because (without some of the context provided below) it's just so out of character. Ai started her breakup speech with "being with you forever is too much for me," followed that up by stating that Hikaru's child born from molestation was too tough, and ended with "I can't love you." Talk about psychological damage. If I was him, I'd be curled up on the floor sobbing. I'm sure he was.
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Just look at the below panel. Fifteen years later, he framed Taiki's birth as something he did. That's devastating.
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BUT I'm coming back to critically alter this post (sorry to anyone who liked/reblogged it already) because the lovely @aihoshiino provided some important context about Ai's words being vaguer and less harsh in Japanese. I have pasted this as bullet points at the end of this post and it's far more important than anything I have to say, so if you want to stop here and just read that, I highly encourage it.
To summarize: In English, it sounds more like Ai blamed Hikaru for Taiki, whereas in Japanese it's vaguer and not as cruel. Which isn't to say Ai did nothing wrong when she glibly walked away, but it's far more in line with her character.
But there's still the question of why say this at all. Didn't Ai realize that "I can't love you" was enough? Why bring up the worst thing that ever happened to him, the very thing that broke him so badly she felt he couldn't raise their kids?
She may have wanted him to hate her, thereby setting him free of the supposed burden of herself and her pregnancy. It was also a convenient lie. Unfortunately, it was one Hikaru easily swallowed because that was already how he felt about himself.
She said in the DVD that she thought he'd be OK once she was gone. I do wonder if she really thought that or just hoped so. After all, she later felt that a whopping 15 years later he might still be struggling. Either way, it worked to chase him away.
Did Ai blithely say something hurtful and uncalled for that caused lasting damage? Yes. Was she a teenager who couldn't communicate her emotions, ran away from conflict to protect herself, and had a traumatic childhood that influenced her developmentally? Also yes. Not to mention, she was dealing with an emotionally dependent boy and an unplanned pregnancy. It's not an excuse, but it's an explanation.
Even if we were to ignore the subtleties I mentioned and view this in the worst possible light, saying a horrible thing you don't mean doesn't make you a horrible person.
Hikaru gets Ai's characterization mostly right in the below panel but he's wrong if he thinks Ai's cruel words were an accurate representation of her.
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Finally, I think getting hung up on what we, as people who don't have the lived experience of Ai, would do in her shoes is missing the point. The idea isn't to judge Ai as innocent or not innocent. Instead, we are invited to see that Ai was a loving person but she was also human and humans sometimes fuck up badly.
A good chunk of the manga focuses on the complex relationships between characters as well as their relationships with their inner selves. This chapter touches on both. Hikaru misunderstood Ai's intentions and Ai failed to understand her own feelings for him or what to do about it. The reader, meanwhile, if they were clinging to any misconceptions of Ai as some kind of saint, is forced to reconcile with who Ai really was.
The below is the context I mentioned from @aihoshiino. I'm just gonna paste this word for word from Claire:
Ai's words aren't quite as pointedly cruel in Japanese. Her line in Japanese that mangaplus translates as "I can't even, that's too tough, I can't bear it" is '無理無理、流石に それは キツいって、背負え ないよ!` Which is more like, "No way, no way, that's too hard, it's too much to carry"
Importantly, she does not specify who cannot carry this weight
The only time she specifically talks about herself is when she says `子供も・・・うーん 私じゃ難しいかな` which mangaplus tled as "about the baby, it's difficult for me too" and ig that's not WRONG but the tone is kind of off. In Japanese there's more of the sense that she's saying that she, herself, is not up to the task, that she's lacking, she wouldn't be able to do it VS the situation (and Kamiki with it) being in of itself the problem
Basically mangaplus's TL is not incorrect in strict text but does kind of mistranslate the spirit of the exchange imo
It makes Ai more pointedly cruel and self-centred whereas the Japanese text imo is more in line with the thoughtless, innocent cruelty she hurt Nino with
The wording of the Japanese text makes it clear that this was a misunderstanding and Kamiki took the worst possible interpretation of it because he hates himself
That's why Aqua frames Kamiki as being punished for "not understanding her"
Because if he really, truly understood Ai like he said, why would he be so comfortable assuming for nearly 20 years that she would have meant something that cruel?
Thanks Claire!! Saving the fandom one translation at a time.
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starfall-sys · 4 months ago
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Welcome to our glorious page, where we post about system stuff, witchcraft (sometimes), neurodivergent things, silly stuff, aesthetic stuff, artwork, photography, and more!
PLEASE CHECK THE #yellowcosmiccheeseburger TAG REGARDING A NOTICE FOR THE PRO ENDOS AND ENDO ACCOUNTS WHO WANT TO INTERACT WITH OUR BLOG
HASHTAGS FOR EASIER NAVIGATION:
#yellowcosmiccheeseburger for systemboxes, announcements and important posts
#starfallasks for ask posts that we respond to
#starfallmustread for all posts regarding my ex specifically and all the stuff hes done to us and his victims (please read if possible) + other call out posts
#starfallposts for every post I have made that isnt just another reblog (might have a few reblogs)
Other blogs
Main blog: @sparkly-starfall
Witchy blog: @sunlight-starfall
Headspace blog (Managed by Hartley): @starry-headspace
Littles’ blog (Ran by our littles and their caretakers): @little-star-squad
Shared blog with our qpp (Ran by us and our qpp):
@sunset-soulmates
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Please do remember these key things:
- We have AuDHD (Autism and ADHD), so if you’re sending an ask, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD USE THE DAMN TONE TAGS, OR ELSE WE MAY MISUNDERSTAND YOU.
- We wont answer every question about our system unless we are comfortable answering the question.
- We are self diagnosed due to repeated medical neglect. However we are in the process of getting official diagnoses for Autism, ADHD, and our OSDD thanks to our doctor actually listening to us this time 😭
- We use I/me pronouns along with we/us. Depending on the situation, if we use I/me, it’s usually by accident or the person who is fronting is referring to themselves.
- We may forget to put trigger warnings, please tell us as soon as possible if something serious needs a trigger warning. I won’t put any trigger warnings for my own healed scars though.
- Please be mindful that some of us are sensitive, so please be patient with us and please don’t attack us over the tiniest things, it can easily give us panic attacks
- TELL US IF WE SAID SOMETHING THAT IS DAMAGING. PLEASE. OR IF ITS INACCURATE.
- Please accurately tell us your boundaries so that we don’t overstep any of them. Especially boundaries regarding sensitive information and topics. We take boundaries very seriously.
DNI, Commission rules, and more down below
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We use ‘✨🌟💫’ as our collective tag. Individual alters will use their own tag if they feel like it, will list those later on.
Alter tags:
Silas: ✨ or ✨ 🌟 💫
Wynn: ❤️‍🔥
Chara: 🔪
Ennie: 🧸
James: 🟡
Vince: ❤️‍🩹
Sage: 💚
Angel Dust: ❤️
Luna: 🌙
Riley: 🩵
Casey: 💛
Eden: 💕
Hartley: 🟪
Francis: 🧡 or 🍊
Frisk: 🌼
Karly: 💜
SK: 🔮
Gaster: ❔
Lucifer: 🦆
Rebecca: 💦
Ruby: 💔
Keeper (The Keeper): 🖤
Purble kitty (no official name yet): 🐱
Jinn (J for short): 🍪
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COMMISSIONS ARE OPEN!!!!
Rules/Guidelines for commissions:
- Can be NSFW however I won’t do anything too graphic that could trigger me or get me in trouble.
- VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: I CANNOT DRAW PEOPLE. So please don’t ask me to draw people I genuinely can’t.
- I will take collage commissions and abstract art commissions, and maybe other forms of art if I can make it.
- If you are asking for a collage please give me a theme or a general idea. If you don’t like a certain part of a collage I wont mind changing it, just specify what you want changed and what you want instead.
- If you are asking for abstract, you will have to specify what type of abstract you want. It could be shapes, scribbles, funny and creepy looking creatures (I make those too), but you need to tell me what you want. Be as specific as possible. Please keep in mind that I can’t necessarily change much since I can’t exactly read your mind on what you want exactly but I will do my best to make it good!
- I will also take generic wallpaper commissions as long as it’s something that I can make. If it’s something that I cant do (people, animals, most plants unless i drew them in simple designs), then I may not be able to make it.
- PLEASE DONT ASK ME TO MAKE SOMETHING I AM UNCOMFORTABLE WITH. So nothing with heavy gore or triggering topics. I’m okay with vent collages though.
I may make exceptions to some of these guidelines or change them as I get better at art again but for now this is what I will have laid out.
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Anyways here’s our DNI (simplified):
- NSFW blogs
- Anti self dx
- Blogs faking disorders
- Blogs starting unnecessary drama
- Don’t interact with us if you have hurt us before and we have yet to forgive you
- Misinformation blogs. Keep your smooth brain OFF MY PAGE.
- Blogs enforcing politics without asking. We are not interested in politics
- Homophobic, sexist, racist, transphobic, ableist, or are generally hateful of those different than you. Leave us alone, and mind your own business
- Controversial and unacceptable identities (transracial, MAPs, super straight, etc).
- Blogs actively disrespecting other people’s religions/preaching your religion into our blog without permission.
- You support abusers and victimblame people.
- You support bullying.
- You dont believe that RAMCOA is real or you believe in ‘npd abuse’ or any form of ‘disorder abuse’.
- You traumadump or vent publicly.
We know things may be tough but please don’t dump your problems onto someone else who didn’t ask for it. It’s mentally exhausting and can trigger others easily. If you really need help, there are helplines available. If you want someone to talk to, please go elsewhere or send a DM instead of sending us an ask or commenting on our posts publicly
- Pro-Isra3l/z1on1st, or support genocide. We stand for Palestine, always have and always will.
- YOU ARE SPECIFICALLY SOPHIEINWONDERLAND OR YOUR SIDE BLOGS IF YOU HAVE ANY. YOURE THE ONLY NON TRAUMAGENIC PERSON WHO WE WILL NEVER ACCEPT IN OUR BLOG. SO FUCK OFF.
- Blogs that support problematic ships on the internet/support problematic content on the internet, aka darkships.
- You are on our ex’s side (even after being informed of what he’s done) and refuse to acknowledge that our ex is an abuser who has abused multiple people. (Check #starfallmustread tag below)
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WHEW, that was a LOT. Anyways here are the rules of my blog:
- Please dont overswear.
- NO SLURS OR HATEFUL LANGUAGE
- Don’t start unhealthy arguments. A healthy debate is fine but if it gets out of hand then no.
- Please be respectful towards others and to us as well
- Please dont bring up triggering topics without a trigger warning in an ask. Do not bring up triggering topics in a public comment at ALL unless you are responding to a post related to that topic.
- Please dont spam too much. Its funny at first but after a while it gets annoying
- Please avoid self promotion (doesnt mean you can’t promote your stuff but just don’t overdo it)
- If there is something inaccurate on our posts, TELL US RESPECTFULLY. We will not listen if you are being rude.
- Please do not attack us.
- PLEASE AVOID POLITICS IF POSSIBLE
- No doxxing. At all.
- Please dont harass us or other people.
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Anyways, this list will update in the future if necessary. Have fun on our blog!
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dryococelas01 · 1 month ago
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Tumblr Power Polls Q5 + extra
So
Some housekeeping before I list today's question.
Eventually we are going to get to the point that I can't just list off a bunch of labels I've thought of.
For example, let's say desire breaker won. I could make up a bunch of stuff it could feed off (attention, strong emotions, parasite etc) but I might not think of everything and you guys definitely have cool ideas.
So from this point onwards I will have a 'next questions' part, where I will say what the next question is and if I want audience suggestions on options to vote on. If you have suggestions, either message me, comment or put them in reblogs. I will attribute them to whoever does so (unless they don't want me to).
Additionally, for some minor questions I will put up 2 at once. Or for major questions I feel should be voted on at the same time. For those I will put a clear indicator at the start of the post, and any additional polls in the reblogs (as I can't have more than one poll per blog)
Q5: What type of stranger is the power?
Current results:
Q1: How many power categories? 2
Q2: What categories? Breaker/Stranger
Q3: How powerful? Mid tier, rating 4-6. As this poll was done under a reblog, it may be neccesary to redo.
Q4: What type of Breaker? Fate Breaker. Benefits after you transform, consequences when you transform back. A focus on action and consequences.
Wildbow explicitly noted that fate breakers have some issues with their civilian identities due to the negative consequences.
A future question will be what the benefits and consequences are. If anyone has suggestions they can start early.
Now I tried to use the weaverdice doc for this, but I ran into some difficulties. While the breaker categories were fairly clear and distinct, the stranger ones were less so. Apparently wildbow has redone stranger a few times, and to be honest? I couldn't really tell what some of them were supposed to mean or how some were classified as stranger. Some I could see as stranger, but not purely stranger.
For example, Ambush strangers are described as
"Ambush strangers are heavy damage dealers or combat capes with very conditional strength.  This may require flanking, timing, careful use of battlefield, or disadvantaged targets."
Which I understand what it's telling me but I don't know how that translates to a stranger power. I could see a brute that's stronger when undetected could fit there, but not a pure stranger.
Similarly a creep stranger is described as
"Creep strangers are strangers who can avoid danger or obtain access by way of agility, movement modes, or physical adaptations"
Which feels like it will always be a mover stranger.
Bedevil strangers also fit here
"Bedevil strangers produce effects that are more offensive sort, primarily focused around debilitating and crushing others without directly harming them. They might bind, tie, mire, and hamper, or set up effects that threaten foes but only if conditions are met. Often utilize effects that involve poisons, parasites, or other vectors that may have a weak initial effect but provide the opportunity for a greater effect later, often with timing involved, (non-emotion) master-like influence or personal benefits."
As such I ain't using all the categories.
Additionally I've added a category, mislabel, as I felt strangers like Nice Guy would fit in multiple sections and like those sortof effects enough that I wanted to cordon them off. I am biased
So here's the categories:
Machination - indirect effects that make combat and infiltration easier, in a way that isn't just increased combat strength.
For example, gasconades power will erase any trace of his presence after a short period, earning him a small stranger rating.
Abandon - strangers that can make themselves dissappear. Stereotypical stranger, makes themselves invisible, produce less sound etc.
Unsense - effects that mask them from others senses. Abandon strangers go invisible, unsense prevent people seeing them.
'Mislabel' - abandon strangers are hard to sense, unsense are masked from senses, Mislabel causes people to incorrectly label you or your actions. For example, Nice guy, who gets labeled as a non threat.
Mask - produce illusions or misdirections.
Nox - powerful always on rules for interactions. I believe August Prince (cannot be conciously attacked) and blindside (cannot be looked or aimed at) are examples of this.
Charm - influences emotions to produce stranger effect. Stranger (rating) by way of master (effect) if you will.
Warp - strangers who can avoid attacks, danger, or slip through defenses by way of bent rules, distortions, otherworldly details or disruptions in the standard rules.  
Next up:
2 concurrent questions:
Does this power physically affect its user?
Does this power mentally affect its user?
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cleolinda · 9 months ago
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Weekend links
My posts
As January drags to a close, I have a shit ton of dental work coming my way. Thrilling. (I too would like to have my toenails clipped while I am there.)
Also, the Diagonal Trees may be coming down soon.
My sister added me to her Apple Arcade plan and asked me to play Hello Kitty Island Adventure with her and my nephew. I have resolved the snorkel issue but now I am despairing over a quest-dependent puzzle. “Just float with some complex touch motions over to a cave ledge on the entire other side of the screen. Then do it again.” Get absolutely fucked. 
I slap “Dear diary” on posts here that I feel are just kind of personal nattering, but I also do an actual sort of newsletter “Dear Diary” series over on Patreon, often 1000+ words. As you all know, I have no trouble running my mouth freestyle, so these are easy to write when I have nothing formally finished. This weekend on the Future Vision tier, we have “Dear diary: Liminal edition.” 
Reblogs of interest
Listen, I am reluctant to reblog things about Gaza because so many posts turn out to have an undercurrent of antisemitism that’s either obvious, or that I don’t realize until later. But this BBC article struck me as a factual analysis of the discrepancy between the stated goals of the IDF and the enormity of the damage. It doesn’t add up at all, conclusively, and I think that’s worth notice. 
With that said, we’re going to build up slowly to lighter subjects:
The Epic of Gilgamesh illustrated by Wael Tarabieh
Breakfast around the world
“There are so many ways to make moodboards, bookcovers, and icons without plagiarizing”
Gritty calligraphy
Hot Vintage Movie Stars (Male) polls, round four. People are shocked that the polls have turned out this way. I’m not. Like. James Dean is losing right now. I’m gonna guess Toshiro Mifune for the overall winner, with Vincent Price as an outside chance, because this is Tumblr. Which, I am sincerely thrilled that people here have sincere opinions about movie stars active before 1970, whether they’re “wrong” or not. I could have written a top 10 list of hot vintage actors based on what I thought people (my age or older) (in the U.S.) would expect to see; I could have written it in my sleep. This is more interesting. 
McMansion Heaven: Once again, I apologize for Alabama. But whatever you think this house is going to look like from the back, you are not ready for the scrolldown. 
Video
Thrillingly, there is a new Hugo Awards controversy. Resignations ensued. And still, no one will explain why certain nominees were disqualified. 
Everything is big and small
Sweet dreams are made of speed
A good pup is hungry
The sacred texts
“More like Pusheen the limits of lab safety”
Personal tags of the week
Definitely animal sounds and fiber art
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sunatoru · 2 years ago
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bottom of the deep blue. (8)
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⇒ mermaid!suna x siren!reader
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summary : sirens, creatures of unmatched beauty and cunning charm, they lure men in with their voices and grace, taking advantage of all the gullible fishermen and pirates. mermaids, the peacekeepers of the deep blue sea, naive and kind to a fault at times. a fated encounter between the two underwater dwellers leads to a difficult situation and a love that shouldn’t be.
warnings : character death, mentions of blood , somewhat graphic description of flesh being uhh eaten?? , mentions of torture, cruel treatment, description of mutilation, mental breakdowns, just a lot of death and fear.
genre : mermaid au, pirate au, angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, betrayal
a/n : i’m so sorry it took me so long to post the final chapter, after this there’ll be a short epilogue that i’ll probably post later on in the week, and then i might take a break from writing a series (i have more planned but i wanna work on the ideas more) so i’ll probably release one shots for a bit!! pls reblog or comment or send me a message in my inbox if you enjoyed or had any criticisms 🫣🫂🫂
w/c : 2.7k
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rintarou shifted awkwardly under the harsh glares of your sisters, each one of them taking their time to inspect him carefully.
“yn never talked about you, but we knew when she’d come back later than usual, a bright smile on her face— we knew it had to be because she met someone.” the eldest broke the silence.
suna swallowed back his guilt at her words, he knew you cared for him, that there was something slowly blooming between the two of you, yet that didn’t stop him. he realised his selfishness cost him the one thing he desired most, freedom wasn’t above the water surrounded by people who had no care for him.
he realised too late that freedom was with you. spending hours in your little cave, hidden away from the world and the burdens you both carried, freedom was holding your hand as the two of you sat on the rocks together watching the sunset or running through the markets.
rintarou took far too long to realise that freedom was with you.
“i’m sorry…” suna wished he could do more or say more to even the tide, but the damage had already been done, you had been ripped away from your family and the life you had grown accustomed to, albeit a life you didn’t want to live, however you were safe and your safety should have been his biggest priority.
your sisters stare at him, gaze stone cold and filled with judgement at the fidgeting merman who could only bow his head and lay a hand on his heart if only to show his sincerity for what has happened. his apology is not enough.
“you expect us to accept your foolish apology and move on? our sister is being harmed and by the time we find her, she may very well be dead. your remorse is not needed, your help is needed.” the eldest spoke to him, her tone sharp.
rintarou nodded and lifted his head up, gazing back at her. “i know where she is, i can lead us to them. if we go now we may be able to make it to them before the sun rises. these humans are weakest at night.”
“good. we will need every advantage to rip their throats out as slowly and painfully as possible.”
the ocean was bustling in the night, all types of creatures came out to hunt for their meal or travel the vast waters for a new place to stay. the group of sirens led by the merman sped through the currents, ignoring the fish that would scramble out of their paths.
“they should be further ahead. once we make it under the boat, remember the plan. rintarou you make your way back onto the ship, we will start the melodies as soon as you give us the signal.”
rintarou gives a short nod, and with that the group pushes forward, speed increasing as the urgency to get to the travelling boat rises. if they’re even a little late it could result in the end of your existence and if that happens, rintarou would accept any punishment your sisters had ready for him.
after a few more minutes of swimming the group sees the large paddles of the ship below the water, lying dormant as most of the crew must have finally been allowed rest. rintarou takes this as a good sign, and with a small smile he swims closer to the boat.
they all slow down once they make it to the first paddle, with quiet nods the group splits off, your sisters surrounding the boat, and rintarou swimming over to the side where the large ropes had been thrown over.
rintarou turns to your eldest sister, giving her an appreciative nod before swimming up to the surface. with a deep breath he begins the climb, at first it had been a struggle with the fact that he had to carry most of his tail weight, but the further up he got and the more he dried off, his human legs had finally formed again.
he tried keeping his grunts as quiet as possible, but climbing the rope while being hit with the strong ocean winds was something he had not been prepared for, so with a final grunt he throws himself over the edge of the boats barriers. eyes searching for a sack or long fabric he could tie around his nude waist before finding you and confronting yuuji.
much to rintarou’s luck, he found a pair of abandoned pants, most likely from a drunk crew mate. he slipped into the pants and sprinted down to where you were held the last time he was on the boat. with a speed he wasn’t used to and a strength he didn’t know he had, he threw the doors open and ran down the stairs.
his heart stuttered at the sight of your empty cage and the blood soaking the ground. his legs felt weak and with a choked gasp he fell to his knees. a hand raising to his mouth to cover the sobs that threatened to spill out.
i’m so sorry, i’m so so sorry yn.
after a few agonisingly quiet seconds, he sharply inhaled and slowly began rising again. he’d kill that bastard yuuji first, and once he’s delivered the lifeless corpse of that wicked captain to your sisters, he’d let them have their way with him, it was what he deserved after all.
rintarou turns back to the entrance, feet dragging as his hands shook with both an anger and sadness he’d never felt before. one foot after the other he climbed the stairs slowly, hands gripping the bannister as he made his ascent.
“well, you sure are desperate.” rintarou’s head snapped up at the sound of yuuji’s voice.
there, right in front of the door, stood captain yuuji. he had a twisted smirk on his face, a tone filled with cynicism and an evil glint shining within his eyes. and trapped within his arms, was you. your legs had formed and rintarou couldn’t bear to look down at them, keeping his head up he examined your shaking body, hands gripping yuuji’s arms tightly as he tightened his own grip around your throat.
you were alive. rintarou felt his body relax just the slightest bit, stifling a sigh of relief. he cleared his throat and returned his gaze back to yuuji, glaring at the man who continued to smirk down at the weak man at the bottom of the staircase.
“if i remember correctly, i said i'd kill you the next time i saw you. isn’t that right rintarou?”
gulping back his fear, rintarou holds his ground. “you’d like that wouldn’t you, yuuji? unfortunately for you, that’s not gonna happen.”
with a deep inhale, rintarou brings his fingers to his lips and let out a loud whistle, running up the rest of the stairs, he shoves yuuji aside, ripping you away from his side and dragging your shaking body to the edge of the ship, pushing your body behind his as the air begins to fill with the soft and beautiful harmony of the sirens below.
yuuji’s eyes slowly widen, hands moving to block his ears, screaming for his men to help him, his hands grip his ears tightly, nails digging into his flesh and scalp. yuuji’s legs begin to shake, he runs to the doors of the crews’ bunks, kicking the door open, screaming for his men to wake up.
the ship falls into chaos, men shouting to each other, glasses falling and breaking, kegs spilling over as the men scramble to get up at the begs and cries of their captain, who falls further and further into a breakdown.
yuuji sobs the louder the sirens’ song gets, his men go silent, the chaos stops. one by one the men line up along the sides of the boat. yuuji shakes his head, his trembling lips repeating the same begs of ‘no’ as his men slowly climb over the edges of the ship.
“no… no, no, NO! stop, please — i’m sorry, please no more!” yuuji falls to his knees, hands still gripping the sides of his head, his body is hunched over, tears and drool and snot fall over him as he rocks himself, his cries drowning out the splashes and screams of his crew.
you grip rintarou’s arm, watching the man who tormented and tortured you so harshly for days, fall into a madness you’d never witnessed before. his cries and screams were far more heartbreaking than the pleads of the dying crew mates, if he hadn’t hurt you as much as he did, you’re sure you would’ve felt more remorse.
rin purses his lips, brows drawn together as he watches the mighty captain yuuji become nothing more than a blubbering fool, crumpled on the ground shaking in fear as death looms over him. the men in the water grew silent. most, if not all of them, were dead by now.
yuuji, noticing the silence even through his breakdown, slowly lifts his head up, hands leaving his ears. his sobs grow quiet, but his body still trembles from the held back cries. “i-i’m so—sorry. please, please don’t hurt me…”
an uncomfortable silence stretches out over the ship, you push yourself closer to rintarou, cheek pressing against the muscles of his broad back. “tarou… what’s going to happen to him?” your voice was quiet, shaking as you shivered against him.
“cover your ears, yn…” rintarou gulps. eyes gazing out to the other side of the ship, where your sisters finally climb over the edge, human legs replacing their large tails, they hobble slowly over to yuuji, who slowly turns to look behind him.
he gasps, body flying backwards as he scrambles away from the women who began surrounding him. his screams return, a sound so loud and piercing that even as you press your hands closer to your ears, his wails break through the barrier. you clench your eyes shut, pressing your entire body into rintarou to block out the sound.
yuuji begs like no man ever has, screams as he’s torn apart, he pushes and shoves against the sirens who feast on the man who lost everything twice. he grips at the floorboards of his ship, wide eyes staring up at the sky, whispering and whimpering prayers to his God as he feels the teeth and nails dig further into his flesh.
before he falls into his eternal slumber, his gaze falls onto rintarou, he sees part of your shaking body, and with his last breath he utters a singular phrase, one that rintarou would never be able to utter to you. through and through, yuuji hated sirens and he’d continue to hate them wherever he ended up on the other side.
rintarou turns to you, kneeling down as his hands gripped your wrists, gently pulling them away from your head. “it’s okay, it’s over now. everything is over, you’re safe.” he tried giving you a warm smile, muster up the courage to look you in the eyes, do anything to give you the comfort you so desperately needed.
“yn…” the call from your eldest sister snapped you out of your trembling fear. glistening eyes locking onto the worried ones of your sister. your lips trembled, legs shaking from the overwhelming emotions and pain. slowly, step after step you dragged yourself over to your family, hands flying to hug your sister with your remaining strength.
you could only bring yourself to mutter apologies as your sister held you back tighter, her comforting hold and her hand which caresses the top of your head finally gets you to break. your own wails cry out among the ship, gripping onto your sister tighter than you ever had before. your other sisters gathered around the two of you, whispering words of comfort, some checking on your physical health, others petting you.
for the first time in a long time, you felt the touch of others that had no malicious intentions, the gentle touch and caress of people who loved and cared for you. you were safe and you could finally feel that safety.
“it’ll be okay, yn. we will fix everything, you are safe now.” your eldest sister mumbled into your hair as she held you closer.
you nodded against her, hands still gripped onto her like a child too afraid to leave their mother’s side, too fearful of the wonders the world may hold. you experienced the human world, and you realised that maybe humans didn’t deserve the sympathy you so easily gave them.
“don’t think we’ve forgiven you for running off with that horrid merman though. so many fish in the sea and you go for that?”
you let out a soft laugh as your sisters began berating your taste in men, rintarou’s jaw dropping as they criticised every bit about him from the other side of the ship. he self-consciously crossed his arms over his chest and slumped down, knees pulled up as he lets his head rest against the barrier supporting his back.
“i’m still here, y’know…” he muttered.
after being healed by the strange old human lady by the shore and being brought back to your home, you continued to stay by your sister's sides. helping them hunt the men who tried crossing the ocean.
rintarou, however, could not say his return was as welcomed, nor was he happy to be back in the mermaids’ kingdom.
being stripped of his title, rintarou bowed his head in front of the king and queen who could only glare down at the ex-knight in training. he had a hand placed on his heart, the other arm behind his back as he stayed in that position, awaiting the news of his punishment.
“rintarou. not only did you break one of the most sacred rules of our kind, you visited the land of the humans, but you also had relations with a siren! this act of rebellion is disgraceful and taints the image of all mermaids and men alike. for your crimes you should be dead.”
rintarou nodded, still bowing as the king continues to criticise the man. “however,” rintarou lifts his head up ever so slightly, his gaze locking onto the king’s. “because of your… relationship, with that siren girl, you have allowed a new pact to be created between both civilisations, and for that i will not punish you with death. you will be banished from the kingdom, sent away to live out your eternity above land with the humans you so desperately wanted to be like. no longer will you be a man of this kingdom. this is as far as my mercy will go. should you be seen in the waters, we will not hesitate to execute you.”
rintarou’s lips trembled as he once again silently nodded, raising himself to his full height, he mumbled a thank you to the king, before being forcefully grabbed by the guards on both arms.
“i hope this serves as a lesson to the rest of the kingdom, if they wish to parade as humans, they will face the same punishment as this fool!”
on his way out of the castle and soon the entire kingdom, rintarou keeps his gaze down, ignoring the judgemental whispers and the harsh words thrown at him by the citizens of what was once his home.
when he made it to the gates of the kingdom, rintarou lifted his head to get one final glance of the place he’d never see again, the friends he’d never get a chance to be with, and the opportunities he could’ve had. with his final glance he notices all of his friends from training lined up by the gate, smiles of sympathy and sadness cloud their features as they say a final goodbye to their friend.
he feels his heart break. the regret of his actions finally hitting him full force as he’s finally pushed out of the gates, the large structure slamming closed to finally show that he is no longer welcome. a final goodbye is heard from his friends before he swims away to the surface, looking back at the kingdom every so often to watch it grow smaller and smaller.
rintarou finally learnt what greed could cause for a man, and for that, he could never regret anything more.
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taglist: @lomlsuna @akaashiwife @plixy @on-crows-wings @1-800-s1ya @sabztov @keiji-in-a-can @tamak00 @erintaro @bertqut1 @usermins @yanihatesu @rntrsuna
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the-witty-pen-name · 8 months ago
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The Nanny Part 12
18+ ONLY 
Lee Bodecker x F!Nanny!Reader
Series Masterlist
Word Count: 2.9K
Warnings: references to smut, violence, corruption, cursing, age gap (reader is in her 20s), employee/employer dynamics, sickeningly sweet domesticity, and some angst
Author’s Note: I don't even have an explanation for how long it has taken me to get this next part out. I've had a lot of health issues I have been dealing with, but I am really starting to feel like I'm in a better place. I also was experiencing the worst writer's block I've ever experienced.
Now that this chapter is complete, I'm hoping to also post the next parts to my other uncompleted WIPs soon.
As per usual, this is unedited and if I forgot a warning, please let me know! And please reblog if you liked it!
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3 Months Later
Stretching out on the soft linen sheets, you yawn quietly as you reluctantly open your eyes to check the time. 4:45 AM on the dot when Valerie begins to fuss in the other room and it wakes you up instinctively. You grumble, tossing off the deliciously warm covers, and grab your robe from the arm of Lee’s chair as you make your way from his- well your room to hers. 
“You did keep your promise,” you muse, picking her up and patting her back. “You promised last week you wouldn’t wake me up at 4:00. I see you’re already looking for loopholes in our contract, missy.” 
She immediately snuggles into you and you can’t help but love it. Feeling the warmth of her little body pressed into you as you feel her whole body relax is something you savor every time. She’s a little small for her age, but her pediatrician keeps assuring you both you have nothing to worry about. Affectionately, Lee sometimes calls her a runt even though it makes you crazy. However, it is growing on you but you’ll never admit it. 
“Shhh,” you mumble, pressing soft kisses to the top of her head, and walking her over to her changing table. Once you have her cleaned up, you take a little stroll with her to the kitchen to start with her breakfast. You shift your hold so she’s rested against your side so you have your dominant hand free to start putting her formula together. Her doctor also recommended beginning to introduce her to soft, solid foods so you also prep a little bit of a banana and soft berries to see what she’ll pick at- nothing too much cause you also want to watch for any allergies. 
You also start a pot of coffee for yourself and Lee once you have her settled in her high chair happily babbling away, some real words she has picked up mixed in between. Her favorite word she has really clung to is still her first word: Dada. Lee still is unsure of it, but you see the way he looks at her when she says it. Sure enough, it beckons him from the room almost instantly. Immediately, the doting begins even as early at 5:20 AM. Deny it he very well may, but Lee Bodecker is a girl dad whether he likes it or not. Though, all signs point to that he very much does. 
“My two favorite gals,” he grins walking into the kitchen. First, he looks to Val, pretending her stare makes him stop dead in his tracks and fall to his knees to begin kissing all over her face as she sits in her chair, making her erupt into her fit of giggles. 
“Morning bug,” he says to her finally, getting up off his knees. He winces at the minor damage his daily stunt causes. He plays it off well, you must admit. 
“M’lady,” he says, bowing to you at the waist. You scoff as he reaches out to kiss your hand. You knew no one else would ever believe he would behave this way. He was right when he said inside the house was your oasis. It was the truest definition of domestic bliss you could imagine, a secret happiness you allowed yourselves to share behind closed doors. This house has become a safe haven, where you were both free of outside opinion and the harsh realities of your situation. You don’t know the full extent to the situation Lee is in, but he is getting out for Val’s sake, and know for your sake as well. You don’t want to know, too happy with how things have gone to pop the bubble you both have made. 
The nature of your relationship is still unclear. Lee treats you- well like his wife, yet has never even been able to take you on a date. He also still signs your paychecks, which feels wildly inappropriate given the new developments, but neither of you want to have the discussion. He discreetly leaves the check for you to find when he is gone, and neither of you discuss it. You know it needs to happen, but you both fear ruining how things have been. 
You’ve fully moved in, very much complicating the situation. That was a very ugly fight with Julie, and you agreed she had every right to be upset. You have been helping her find a new roommate. She’s still upset, and vehemently is against your choice, and you can’t blame her or be mad in the least. You know what you did was a really shitty thing to do. You already weren’t coming home for several consecutive nights without keeping her in the loop, and then you spring on her that you’re moving out. 
She’s the only person you trusted enough to tell about the current situation-ship. She is very much against it, voicing her opinions very loudly as you packed your things a few weeks ago. You agreed, and didn’t fight back. You deserved it. You saw how your infatuation had caused riffs in your friendships. Things are still being worked out, and all you can do is everything to show her you can be a good friend, and hope for her full forgiveness. 
Lee kisses your temple, and ushers you to sit at the table while he begins breakfast. He sings softly to himself, trying his best to sound like Sinatra, as he navigates the kitchen on his quest to make you “the best eggs the world has ever seen.” 
“I need your love so badly, I love you, oh, so madly. But I don’t stand a ghost of a chance with you,” he mumbles offkey, mindlessly, and you look to the window above the sink to watch the orange and pink light of the sun take over the room. 
“If you surrender just a tender kiss or two, you might discover that I’m a lover meant for you.” The crackle of eggs as they hit the hot pan on the stove disrupts the mellow calm of the morning for a moment, but eventually it fades into the ambiance of the room. 
“And I’d be true, but what’s the good of scheming. I know I must be dreaming,” he sings, his voice cracking how it does in the morning. 
You know no one would ever believe you if you had told the world Lee Bodecker was like this behind closed doors. Affectionate, attentive, silly, domestic… Whatever is the best word for this morning. You bring the mug of coffee Lee has poured for you to your lips, the warmth from the mug radiating into your palms as you take a sip. Your eyes scan the newspaper that's scattered about the kitchen table and get a sense for the headlines. 
“They need a new Sunday school teacher,” you mumble casually glancing at the classifieds. From her highchair, Valerie blows an excited bubble of spit as Lee plops scrambled eggs directly onto the tray in front of her. There’s no point in trying for a bowl- she still is in the habit of tossing those on the floor. Her little fingers work to pick up the pieces, sometimes with too tight a grip, and feed herself. 
“Oh yeah?” Lee responds, placing one hand on your shoulder and the other tips the pan over your empty place to deliver your eggs. He adds some to his own plate in the place setting on the other side of Val’s high chair. He grabs the toast for the two of you out of the toaster and places the dish between you both. 
“Yeah,” you muse, grabbing a slice of toast. You start adding a slice of butter, waiting to see if he’ll pick up on the conversation you feel it might be time to have. 
“Is that something you’d be interested in?” he asks, as he sits down. 
“I’m not sure,” you say, “I mean, Lee- I need to be honest… It feels weird, I mean, correct me if I’m wrong- but, I don’t think you should pay me to be Vallie’s nanny anymore. It feels like we’re more than passed that now… right?”
He sighs, and you know he has felt the same. He looks relieved that you have brought it up first. 
“There’s something I need to take care of first,” he responds. “I think you should go for it. I agree this arrangement shouldn't be transactional anymore- it surely hasn’t felt like that in a really long time. I want this to be something better than that- you deserve that and so does she. I just need to tie up some loose ends. Then, we’re going to be a proper family, if you want that. Let me do the right thing.” 
“Are you pro-”
“No, ma’am, do not even finish that sentence,” he shushes you. “Don’t talk nonsense like that. You’ll know when I am doing that. It won’t be in a messy kitchen next to a toddler drooling over scrambled egg next to us. I’m just saying- I got to take care of some stuff. I think we’re on the same page. I just need a little time and then we’ll be situated in a more normal arrangement.” 
“Yes, sir,” you joke, picking up the section of the paper with the job listing. 
You continue to flip through the paper and Valerie continues to make a mess with her breakfast- occasionally taking a bite. Lee walks back and forth from the bedroom back to the kitchen to the living room in a loop getting ready to head to the station. Everything is in the wrong place and inconveniently nowhere near each other. He grumbles about the detail he’s needed for today, and how he thinks unfortunately he’ll be home late. He kisses your lips and Valerie’s head, mumbling about how he just wants to get home to his girls. Pressing another hurried kiss to your temple, he promises to make it home as soon as he can. 
Lee hated that he needed to lie to you. He justified it because he knew for your own protection, you couldn’t know where he was going and who he was actually meeting after his shift ended. When 6 o’clock rolled around, he got into his cruiser and shuddered, thinking about the meeting that was in for him. 
By some miracle of God or whatever higher power, Lee has been granted in his lifetime a reason to finally get out of the shady deals he’s previously dealt. He never meant to get tangled up in this. It was one favor that snowballed into others, and soon enough he's deeper than he ever thought he would have ever been. He knows he’s not innocent, and no one to blame but himself for the mess he’s caught up in. Part of him regrets not turning himself in. But he can’t do that, especially now, with that little girl sleeping soundly back at home. He can’t let her lose someone else. Even if the someone else is just as rotten to the core as he is.
He needed to get out. Pay his debts and start this life with both his girls with a clean slate. The last time he drove to this bar, he was here trying to get his mind off of you. Before he knew how it felt to wake up next to you, before he knew what it felt like to have your arms around his neck, before he knew how it felt to be inside you and how tight you feel around his- 
He has to get this over with as soon as possible. 
He walks in, and a member of Brown’s crew is sitting in the usual booth, nursing a whiskey. Lee averts his gaze when he sees Cherry sitting at the bar chatting up her next customer. He wants to pretend she doesn’t exist, and it never happened. It hangs heavy on his chest. You weren’t together, but the weight of his guilt feels like the highest infidelity. Brown sent a man named Wayne Hendrix to meet with Lee. Leroy Brown never came out for a meeting- his time far more valuable than anyone else. 
Lee recognized Wayne immediately. He grits his teeth, knowing this meeting is not going to go as smoothly as he would like. Wayne, much to Lee’s unlucky misfortune, was arrested by Lee on multiple accounts before he was sheriff. He knew Hendrix held a deep, unrelenting grudge on the past arrests. Hendrix did five years in prison because of Lee, and Lee knew that’s exactly why Brown sent him. 
“Wayne,” Lee said with a tip of his head, settling into the booth. 
“Bodecker,” Wayne practically spits, venom oozing from each syllable. 
“I’m not going to run for reelection,” Lee states, opting to just rip off the bandage. 
“Like hell you ain’t,” Hendrix laughs- a deep belly laugh that echoes through the whole bar. “Brown tells you when you run and when you don’t. What do you suppose you’re gonna do?”
“I want to settle my debts,” Lee says, standing firm to Wayne’s dismissive lecture.
“This ain’t how any of this works, pig,” Hendrix muses, swirling the remaining brown liquid in his glass before finishing it off. “Leroy don’t let anybody go. You ain’t ever out of debt to him. You think you can just write a check and suddenly you’re free of all your responsibilities and obligations? You gonna what- ride off into the sunset with that little plaything you got? Brown is just gonna lie down while you two are off playing house? Playing mommy and daddy?” 
Lee’s knuckles are white, and his nails practically draw blood from his palms as his fists form. His jaw is locked and he is doing everything in his power to swallow down the pure rage that boils his blood. It’s taking all of his strength to not lunge across the table. He could kill him. He takes long, steady breaths focusing on the chill that runs down his arms that releases the tension. He cracks his neck, and lets himself have a second to relax. Feeding into this is exactly what they want. They want him to lose his control. 
“I think it’s best practice to keep this discussion separate from family,” Lee suggests coolly, “You don’t bring up my girls, and I won’t bring up yours.” He watches as Wayne shifts uncomfortably in the booth. He watches as Hendrix’s eyes avoid his gaze. Wayne is very much aware that Lee not only knows his wife Maura from Church, but also his three daughters. Lee holds the upper hand if they are going to have a pissing contest on who knows more about whose private life. “I doubt Meg, Hannah and Marjorie want to know what their daddy gets up to when he misses their recitals.” 
“Listen,” Wayne spits, slapping both palms on the table, knocking over his glass. Both men ignore it, as it rolls off the table and crashes to the floor. “Leroy is going to offer you an out. It pisses me off to have to tell you about it. The only joy I’m getting out of this is the sweet knowledge that you’ll die trying.”
“What is it?” Lee urges him to continue. 
“You have Leroy’s word, you and your whole family are granted immunity and your debts are cleared. You just need to kill Deckard.” 
You’re asleep on the couch when Lee gets home. It’s well after 2am, and he feels sorry you must have forced yourself to stay awake as long as you could to make sure he got back safe. He places his hat down on the coffee table in front of you, and haphazardly takes off his tie on his way into the kitchen. He could cry when he sees the plate covered in foil that’s waiting for him. He notices there’s exactly one slice of cake left on the stand in the center of the table. In the frosting, it looks like you wrote “Lee” out with a toothpick, saving the piece for him. He walks back into the living room, and drapes the blanket from the back of the couch over your peaceful frame. He’ll let you sleep a little longer while he puts the food in the fridge. He’ll have it all tomorrow. 
“Sweetheart,” he whispers softly, rubbing your shoulder to wake you gently. It’s no good. You are completely unaware in your deep sleep. He sits on the coffee table, moving his hat out of the way. He lets himself watch you for a few moments, enjoying the way you look. You’re just so serene, and he knows you never believe him but you always look so beautiful like this. He loves seeing your whole face soften, and the way your cheek presses against the pillow.
 “Let’s go pretty girl,” he says, even though you won’t hear him. Although he’s been up for around twenty hours, and he’s weak from the full work day and his unfortunate complicated night that follows- he scoops you up in his arms without a second thought and carries you into the bedroom. He’ll tuck you in, and pull you close and he’ll let himself sleep soundly knowing you're protected in his arms tonight. He hears Valerie’s soft snores from her bedroom, and that is the final permission he needs to let his heavy eyelids rest. 
There’s much to be done in the morning, but Lee sleeps tonight knowing all of his jobs are done. 
Taglist:
@demirunner
@littlemissthistle
@charmed-asylum
@msgodofmischief
@kcmarvel333
@oitommothetease
@hogwartsahist0ry
@letsfly-andbe-free
@iamlee1
@buckistan
@every-when
@swndmans
@lostgirllulu
@swiftieandthewintersoldier
@whatinthestyles
@maryelizabeth13
@thehuntresswolf
@charmed-asylum
@alyssadelashmit
@mandiiblanche
@whatinthestyles
@Bodeckersdiamonddoll
@waywardwifey
@everything-is-all-clear
@xxpwettystwellaxx
@Angieonthatbeat
@saiyanprincessswanie
@krozl62
@kirsteng42
@poemsforparker
@kjah97
@clarinette07
@sweetkingdomstarlight-blog
@thrxshsxbbxth
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lektricwhump · 1 year ago
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i swear this about has a funny title guys trust me
howdy! been using this blog for a bit now but i’m finally making a proper intro. i go by the names beck, mac, and flynn. i’m 19 and use she/him pronouns (my gender identity is butch woman). proud representative of the bi butch community.
i like and follow from @lektricfergus, and my avatar is by @midlangley. i’m not gonna list any specific dni but i’ll block people if our vibes don’t jive. i may post/reblog nsft content here, properly tagged (as #nsft and/or #nsfwhump), and i ask that minors not interact with those posts.
on to the fun stuff. here’s what you probably will see a lot of on this blog:
- gore and body horror
- defiant whumpees
- whumping the whumper
- substance abuse
- dehumanization
- organized crime
- weirdo immortals and magic users
- urban fantasy
- BUTCH CHARACTERS!!!
of note is that if i tag ladywhump it’s so people can find it, not as a trigger tag. if you need to avoid it i respect that, but my blog may not be for you
here’s what you probably won’t see a lot of, if at all:
- vomit/emeto in detail
- whump of minors
- heavy animalization
- societally normalized bbu/trafficking
that’s it for the important stuff, but there’s a small non-whumpy about under the cut with supplemental beck info
stuff i like:
- ethel cain
- team fortress 2 (shameless plug for my tf2 blog @fineredmist)
- doom engine games and mods for them
- comics/graphic novels
- movies, especially horror and disaster—i’m planning to minor in film and/or screenwriting! some specific movies i love are: the thing (1982), near dark (1987), brain damage (1988), 28 days later (2003), the day after tomorrow (2004), annihilation (2018), and the menu (2022). i also happen to claim school of rock (2003) as one of my favorites, but that doesn’t really fit in that list.
- relating to the above, body horror and practical effects
what else to put here
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chaifootsteps · 1 year ago
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I saw people asking about me, and wanted to clear things up in case of confusion - this is coming from my own bias because it's my side, but I try to be as objective as possible.
When I was younger I ran a webcomic and went under less of a handle and more of a personal name. Viv sent her friend at the time, Faust, to bully me (they were already bullying a bunch of other artists at the time too), I THINK for "similar styles" since that was something Viv got defensive over and a lot of people compared our art very publicly. This was years worth of bullying, too, so when people say "it happened years ago", yes, and it carried on for years.
Eventually, Faust also bullies another friend of mine, and this causes a mutual friend between the two of us (who ran an HH fan blog) to leave the fandom and announce by on the blog. Viv commented directly on it, and called the blog owner a liar and my other friend a liar. I reblogged the post on my main account, and basically said "My friends aren't liars and here's the proof of what they're saying about what Faust did." Some time after this, Viv started going to her crew and friends, and started telling them to actively block me and stop supporting my work (we had a lot of mutual supporters). I got blocked suddenly by anyone connected to her that I was connected to, and later this was confirmed when one of her former Patreon mods let it slip to a mutual friend between she and I. This was grounds for financial damages technically, I'm not as concerned with that because I was such a small fry in a big webcomic pool, but it did hurt a lot to hear that someone with hundreds of thousands of followers had it out for me because she couldn't beat me into the ground years prior.
Trying to keep a long story short, she sent her sister to apologize to some other victims, and the victim I talked to told me to reach out to said sister since Viv refused to apologize herself and made her sister into a proxy. I DM'd said sister, asked for an apology, got blocked, never tried to contact anyone in her family again. In the apology the other victim got, Viv's sister fully admitted that Viv had an issue with cyberbullying and had in fact sent Faust to attack other people "all those years ago". Viv posted about me by name on Bluesky where I didn't have an account at the time to contest anything she said with - she said I was a stalker (I've never made an effort to find anything that isn't public or sent to me), that I meant her physical harm (I do not, I would never, and I have repeatedly said that what I want in an ideal world is for her to apologize to all her victims, myself included, and then do some soul-searching and come back a better person), that I harassed her family (as said above, I went to her sister on advice from one of the other victims, because Viv used her sister as a mouthpiece and that's on her), and that I ran multiple accounts to do all this (I deleted my old accounts under my personal name because of the personal hurt I was going through, I took a break from the internet for months, and then I came back on this account with a handle that's very sentimental to me - the two accounts never existed at the same time).
Faust may have grown in that time, I only mention them in this story out of wanting to keep clarity, and honestly if they have changed then good for them and I wish them the best. I don't like everything they've said and done, especially where their treatments of clients has come in, but I know they've gone through some rough stuff and also been thrown under the bus by Viv so... I'd appreciate if they at least fessed up to their culpability in it, because that would help vindicate a lot of the victims, and I think a lot of people would be willing to forgive them if they just acknowledged the hurt they caused instead of pretending like it never happened and they never helped Viv do it. That said, Viv was still the one who sicked them on me, and she was still the one who went out of her way to try to hurt my work and myself.
Thank you for your story and clarification. Not gonna comment too much because I want it to let it stand on its own, but it really does sound like everyone else grew up and Vivzie just...never did.
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eldritch-elrics · 1 year ago
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actually i lied. i'm not going to sleep i'm going to talk about plasm wraith.
why does it want olimar so badly? here's a couple thoughts i had.
first of all, it's got a hole in its face. i wonder if that could symbolize some sort of incompleteness. (a la fecto forgo/elfilis from kirby...!) it wants olimar because it's decided that he will make it whole, maybe? bit of a stretch, but olimar does call attention to that hole so i'm wondering why it could be there.
regardless, i bet it's lonely. all the other enemies in that area turn into goop when you kill them, so it seems like it's created this whole ecosystem by itself... perhaps to keep it company? to keep olimar company? i'd say it's implied that plasm wraith is in some way sentient, so... man. that would be so sad!
the low-hanging fruit is the interpretation that plasm wraith's fixation on olimar is romantic/sexual. i think that's kind of boring. it's this weird inhuman monster; idk if it has a concept of "romance"! and i love monsterfucking & trying to make weird ships work out as much as the next guy, but eh, this relationship just seems too one-sidedly toxic. it's more interesting to choose different avenues of interpretation here imo. (though it's very very funny to make jokes about "yandere slimegirl," as me and my friends have been doing..)
personally - and i've only just started thinking about this so my thoughts may evolve later - i think it makes a lot of sense to view the plasm wraith's feelings as a twisted version of the pikmin's. the pikmin view olimar as something akin to a parent - perhaps the wraith views olimar as something akin to a child? it's very gentle with him, it "hugs" him, it forms itself into a protective shell around him... and it seems like it keeps forcibly activating his suit's sleep mode, perhaps to keep him calm or docile, or perhaps because it assumes he needs more sleep, like a baby...
"protection" is really the big theme i'm thinking about. it's not hard to read olimar's story in pik3 in contrast with his story in pik4. he crash lands on a planet, is in a sort of desperate state, comes across a weird creature, and the weird creature gets very attached to him and in a way keeps him away from others visiting the planet. though this time olimar's suit wasn't damaged, i wonder if the plasm wraith's instinct was to keep him in the oak (where there are no real monsters, only plasm clones) in order to protect him from the outside world.
(or maybe his suit WAS a bit damaged, and that's why it keeps activating sleep mode?)
as in that post i just reblogged - there's for sure a running theme of olimar's fate being intertwined with pnf404 and the creatures there. they love him so much, and sometimes it's wonderful and sometimes it's terrifying because it's a love that can't be understood in human terms. they want to keep him, because he completes them somehow.
finally, i'm wondering if louie met plasm wraith before olimar did (that's how he knows what it tastes like...) and that's why he warned him away from the oak. if so, what did the plasm wraith think of louie, i wonder?
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raincloudmayhem · 2 years ago
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Finn's Chest Binding Masterpost
Hello! I decided to make a post with information and tips on chest binding. I am trans myself and there's a lot of things I wish I had known before I got my first binder. This is for anyone who binds or wants to bind, whether trans, non-binary, genderqueer, questioning, or even just cis. Enjoy!
Buying a binder
Okay, so first of all you're probably going to want to get one from a reputable and trusted brand. Some examples are: gc2b, Underworks, and Spectrum Outfitters. That $18 dollar one with 3 stars on Amazon ain't the best choice.
Binders usually cost around $30-$40, but it depends on the kind and brand you're buying. There's half binders, tank binders, and more. It all just depends on what you want. (Also, try to steer clear of binders with clasps and zippers. They can sometimes cause damage and don't usually bind evenly.)
Sizing! Each website should have a sizing chart and instructions. You'll need to use a soft measuring tape (or whatever they're called), don't just guess. If you're between sizes, always choose the larger one. Never go down a size.
Wearing a binder
Yay, so you've bought a binder. Here's all the tips and safety things you need to know!
While it does depend a bit on the kind and brand, it most likely won't completely flatten your chest. This was a big shock and disappointment for me when I got my first binder because no one told me this. Binders aren't really supposed to make your chest super flat and smooth, but rather resemble pecs.
Don't bind for more than 8 hours! It can cause damage in the long term if you do it consistently, and short term it can cause pain, irritation, and breathing problems. Also, if you've never binded before, it may take a while before you can work up to wearing it for 8 hours.
If you feel any discomfort or have trouble breathing while wearing your binder: Take. It. Off.
Don't exercise, swim, or sleep (even if it's a nap) in your binder!
I feel like I'm forgetting a bunch of stuff so I'll probably edit this later with more lol.
Binder alternatives
Maybe you're in an unsafe environment, or you can't afford one, or you just need something asap. Well, there are some ways you can achieve a flatter chest without a binder.
Sports bra method! Put one sports bra on normally, and then another one on backwards. It's not the best, but it's something.
Layering clothes helps a bunch too! Wearing a tank top, then a shirt, then a jacket or hoodie is usually what I do. In the summer, this may be difficult. Don't overheat, and remember to stay hydrated!
Never, I repeat, never use tape to try and flatten your chest. I knew someone who insisted that using duct tape was fine, but it's not. It can cause damage, and we don't want that.
Conclusion
I hoped this helped a bit! I'll probably be adding more in the future, and feel free to comment or reblog this with some things I didn't have on here. I'll try to add them when I can!
Take care, keep hydrated, and bind safely! <3
-- Finn
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thatbanditqueen · 2 years ago
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Against the Wall Chapter 3
Knock Me Down
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A brief note: I need to go back and edit the previous chapters' posts, because this fic has taken on a life of its own. I envisioned it as this epic three-chapter story I would write over the winter holidays as a sort of sweet Christmas anti rom-com about Austin and an OC in the late 1980s/early 1990s. Then it took me twenty days to finish the third chapter. And it's pretty clear to me that I have more to write. At least one more chapter and an epilogue..... so whatever.....
I don't usually take requests, but I do appreciate input and feedback and suggestions, although I cannot guarantee how the writing process will work itself out, I will say that your feedback has kept me going and I included a few little scenes especially for @slowsweetlove although I probably didn't do him justice and completely defied his persona, I changed Keanu to suit my narrative needs and I hope it isn't too horrible to bear....
Catch up here:
Chapter 1: Bruised Bananas
Chapter 2: Red-Headed Woman
Summary: Picking up where we left off in chapter two, Hannah and Austin cope with the fallout from her arrest, and try to make the best of it, but fate gets in the way and they break up again, Austin begins to give in to some bad habits of his own while Hannah tries to forge a clean start but has some hard decisions to make on the way....
Rating: Explicit
Warning: smut, so 18+ only please, vaginal, oral, threesomes, sex with prostitutes, toxic, dark consensual sex, drugs, alcohol, pregnancy
Words: 15.4 K
IF YOU ENJOY PLEASE LIKE, REBLOG AND/OR LEAVE ME SOME FEEDBACK LETTING ME KNOW WHAT YOU THOUGHT.
so many typos sorry
Hannah's Rehab Playlist (basically grungey alt from late 80s/early 90s)
Hannah & Austin's Romantic Mixtape (get it on music from 70s - early 90s they would've liked... i don't know, it was part of my creative process...)
May 12, 1991, 7 am
Culver City Police Department
The wall greeted Hannah’s head with a thud, and she knocked her self back into it harder, wanting to absorb  the cold concrete, it was awelcome relief to  her warm, throbbing, anxious neck as she blocked the fluorescent glow of the overhead light with her hand. She sighed, head pounding, longing to sleep, but the adrenaline coursing through her blood made sleep impossible. That, and the general grey, dour, imprisoned atmosphere of the Los Angeles County holding cell where she found her self confined. That also made sleep impossible. So instead, she lay there, mentally flaying herself for being so stupid, so unlucky, and so utterly fucked. The severe, angry figure of Austin’s publicist Min greeted her at the discharge desk. Tall, slender, Black, with high cheekbones and an elegant, refined style, Hannah shuddered at Min’s terse smile as it led her to a white Mercedes.
“Thanks… for getting me … you didn’t have to….” Hannah looked down.
“I got a call from Austin’s agent, Brett, at 4:30 this morning informing me one of Hollywood’s hottest, highest paid actors is trying to leave an active, overseas production, one already running behind, and costing the studio hundreds of thousands of dollars a day, to rescue his girlfriend, so, um, yeah, I did have to….its going to take all my effort and connections to keep the damage to a minimum…”
Sighing as she looked out the window, Hannah  realized they were going over the 101 to the valley, a direction that was decidedly not towards her apartment. About an hour later, after a shower and some coffee, Hannah sat on a bar stool in Min’s pristine kitchen trying her best to respond to a series of questions and rules.
“Let’s not beat around the bush. My job is to minimize the amount of people who know you were arrested last night. This is best for both your career and Austin’s.” Hannah nodded to Min, but reminded herself that Min gets 10% of Austin’s salary, and his career was her priority, not hers.
“Alright,  Hannah. Have you ever been arrested before?” Hannah shook her head. “Good, that’s good… OK… now, be honest, has Austin been doing cocaine and heroin as much as you or Downey, or any of the other reprobates you have been running around with?”
“Um… Austin likes to party but uh …  he doesn’t need to, you know? I… uh… he stopped partying when he’s working on a project … he, uh, never tried H. He doesn’t even know I’ve done it…” 
“Well, he knows now. Right, ok, and how long have you had a drug problem ?”
Hannah looked down, her breathe caught in her throat before she murmured. “I don’t know if I would say I have a problem… 
“Hannah,  you were arrested for DRUGS, illegal ones, bad ones, coke and heroin ——”
“I’ve only done H a handful of times —”
“I wish you could hear yourself. Most people never utter those words…. If this gets connected to Austin, it can make him an insurance liability. Which is BAD. And, honestly the publicity is a career killer for you too,  no director wants to hire a drug addict. So we need to contain this. And you need to sound contrite, apologetic, like you understand that all drugs are bad. Got it?” Hannah nodded again, accepting her role in this conversation: silent acquiescence. 
“Right, last question - you’re on a film right now?”
“Yeah, uh … we finished the Point Break final mix Friday, that’s why I was out last night… the delivery party is next Friday …” 
“You are one lucky girl.” Min put her coffee down, pointing at Hannah as she spoke. “You may actually get out of this with your reputation intact… if you do EXACTLY as I say. Rule one, no more dressing up like you’re auditioning for a Guns n’ Roses video. Think sleek, think simple, think modest. I want you to look like a PTA mom who is also an accountant. Got it?” 
Hannah mumbled how she hated Guns n’ Roses, but her chin bobbed up and down with assent. 
“Good. Ok, rule two, and hopefully this is obvious, but no more partying. I don’t care if you’re at the wrap party and Patrick Swayze offers you shots off his tight, perfect ass. You are now the paragon of sober, chaste behavior. I’m setting you up with an attorney, good one, Sheila, she specializes in these… sorts of…things… You need to prepare yourself. Sheila is going to tell you to start going to twelve step meetings, it will look good. She’ll ask for rehab in exchange for no jail time and a dismissal of charges.”
Hannah’s head fell into her hands, and her voice was shaking. “But I —“
“Possession of heroin, cocaine, unregistered guns, those are felonies here in California. Trust me babe, you don’t wanna fuck with prison. Rehab is the sensible choice, the choice that keeps this off your record, and then boom, clean slate…. ok, last rule: no more carbs.”
“Wait, why shouldn’t I eat carbs?”
“People always gain weight when they go to rehab, darling, and it would just make my life so much easier if you started saying no to carbs. And maybe yes to cigarettes? Now there’s a drug addiction I can get behind, keeps the appetite down, looks cool, might even help you get through all this.”
“Gee, thanks for the pep talk, Min, you make me feel horrible about myself.”
“Good, channel that when you think you want a doughnut. And smoke instead.”
Chewing sweet, glazed doughnuts in the passenger seat of her friend Robin’s car, Hannah let the gooey carbohydrates do their work comforting her as she prepared to call Austin. It was nighttime in London, and the cool, self control in his voice threw her off. Hannah could almost feel his abs tensing as he tightened up inward and put up a calm front. His timbre was steady, confident, unflappable. There was a slight British twinge to his voice, she could hear the Jagger in it, and he sounded like a bizarre version of himself. Hannah tried to lighten the mood, teasing him about his accent, but it was hard to combat every variation of his vague “the main thing is that you are ok, right Banana?”  It betrayed how worried he was. Guilty for making him worry, guilty for ruining their travel plans, Hannah explained how she wouldn’t be flying over in two weeks and didn’t know when they would see each other.
“I totally get it if you want to take a break…” Hannah offered.
“What, from us?” 
“Yeah,” she added, wiping her eyes, letting the word salad tossing around her mind tumble out. “I just… I … I’m a mess and its already been so long since we had sex and being with me is putting your career at risk, and I would never fuck with your money…. or your art … you are so talented …  and I fucked up and I just… I would understand —if you need a break from the drama… ”
Austin paused, her comment about his talent was unnerving, raw praise was not something Hannah did, it usually was hidden in back handed mockery or laced with sarcasm. Watching Hannah struggle to admit he was good at anything made it so charming when she did, that, in those moments, he actually felt like he deserved her approval. She was perpetually the same to him since they met: brutally honesty and never obsequious, no matter his success. Or hers, for that matter. Hannah’s authenticity drove his need to have her in his life. That, and the way her feisty stubbornness provoked a subconscious desire to conquer her, she was a challenge he would surmount, and he secretly longed to marry her, fill her with children and make her his forever. But Austin never really entertained those inclinations. He couldn’t explain how he felt that, and then was also turned on by how ambitious and smart and talented Hannah was. He loved mentally sparring with her, exchanging witty barbs with each other was like foreplay. Then also, he loved catching her at work at the end of the day, still editing a scene. Her eyes lit up, biting her lip in concentration as if she was solving a complex puzzle. Then there was the way she never expected or demanded anything, never took it for granted that he would pay for dinner, concert tickets or trips, had refused to move in with him. Her plucky, unassuming self-reliance made him want to take care of her even more and give her the life she’d never had. There were moments when Hannah let down her walls and became vulnerable, moments when she let herself be raw,  ask for help, or reach out to be touched, Austin lived for those moments. His favorite view of her was from between her legs, when she was completely naked, and his mouth was in her cunt, licking her, pleasing her, devouring her in ways she had always been wya too self conscious to let another man touch her. Austin lived to watch her face twist in tortured ecstasy as she writhed beneath him, moans begging him to continue, while her eyes betrayed her fear of the unbridled feelings she couldn’t control. It was sticking his tongue into a live current of lightening in the middle of velvet hurricane.
Austin had been in London  for a month and he ached for Hannah’s companionship. Work was a useful distraction, his days started on the set at 6 am, and then he was often not back to the hotel, often, before 8 or 9 pm, sometimes grabbing a bite with the other cast members or crew. He told himself he was glad not to have Hannah there, it wouldn’t have been fair to leave her all day six days a week, and then giving her the worst version of himself in the evenings, exhausted and just wanting to recover and recharge. Acting demanded so much intense work, that being alone on an overseas shoot made it easier to stay in character. Which was the part of his job he loved, the magic of subsuming himself in a character that wasn’t plain, boring Austin from Anaheim. 
Sundays were his only day off, and today, on this Sunday, listening to Hannah blabber on insecure and nice and completely vulnerable sparked something primal in Austin. He wanted to throw his phone down and run to Heathrow and fly too her immediately. He banged his hand on the table, frustrated at how stuck he was, and made a mental note to tell Min that money was no object for a lawyer or rehab or whatever else was needed to  to take care of Hannah right now. Ashley, he needed to call his sister Ashley and ask if she could drive to LA and help out as well. Making this mental list, Austin roused himself from his reverie and returned to their conversation.
“HAN - NAH,” Austin’s voice growled in a low, husky rumble through the phone receiver slowly and surely. “Stop…. sshhhhh…  baby…. you’re tired, you’re scared, it’s ok baby…. I get it… but….I. Love. You. Do you hear me Red? … I FUCKING BLOODY WELL LOVE YOU. I am not some sex crazed teen age boy. I’m a grown man. I’m not going to break up with you the day you get arrested for heroin because I need to fuck something… I would be there with you if I could, baby. It kills me that I can’t be there to take care of you -”
“But you shouldn’t have to take care of me, you should be with someone easier —”
“Banana! You were extremely easy …. that’s partly why I love you - you didn’t play hard to get, you opened up those legs the second I met you and then fucked me in an alley before you even knew my name —”
“That’s not what I meant. Plus, I knew your first name…  and I could tell you were an ok guy, I saw your soul in the bathroom that night … But that’s not the kind of easy I’m talking about… I meant uncomplicated… simple… easy to live with…”
“Nothing worth having is easy, Red … look… you’re the only one I want… I don’t want anyone else. I love you. I love your messy, big beautiful…. brain… those two heaving sides of your cerebellum, working up new insults to hurl at me… I honestly don’t know how you do it… I love your big, beautiful tits…” his voice was low, husky now, slowly as he relished the mental image of Hannah the last time they’d been naked in bed together. “I love your big, beautiful Banana butt, and I really really love your sweet, little, tight —”
“Austin stop! I’m at Robin’s house, she is sitting ten feet from me —”
 “MOUTH… what did you think I was gonna say? S’ides, she can’t hear what I am saying—“
“But she can see my reaction, even though she is on the couch, politely pretending to read a magazine and being very very cool about everything…”
“Wait, are you blushing? OH baby, you’re so fucKing cute when you blush…. Especially when your lips are around my—
“Austin!”
“Ok, ok. Look. I can’t help it, your voice is so sexy its distracting me… Look, I’m fine. I’m so busy with work, its probably good you aren’t flying to London, because we’re doing twelve hour shoots.  I’ll just come home after we wrap, I need a break, you do too, so its good we aren’t gonna travel around Europe all summer. I need to recover….  I’ll be home in August, and until then, it’ll be just like any other long distance thing, and we’ll be fine. We’re already pretty banging at phone sex…  and you can use all that free time in rehab to write me dirty love letters —”
A loud guffaw escaped from Hannah’s rough, cried-out throat.
“Oh baby, I love it when you snort. Loudly.”
“Shut up, Austin, you really are a dirty, little pervert. I swear, I can hear your hard on…. I can just tell from your goofy voice… how can snorting turn you on?”
“The world works in mystical ways, never question a hard on… just say thank you….”
Hannah chuckled, “I can’t decide if I want to punch you or make out…?’
“I wish we could do both, preferably, in that order… oh Banana, everything is gonna be ok. Maybe this is a good thing.”
Hannah paused. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Sighing, Austin looked up and let his eyes wander, unfocus, following the rectangles of light bouncing off the crystal chandelier in his hotel room. He wondered if Hannah would be in this trouble if he had just been man enough to confront her before he left LA last month. If he really wallowed in self pity, his guilt spiraled back to their first break up, when he cheated on her. Because after getting back together, the biggest change he observed was Hannah’s new daily coke habit. It was a drug she used to hate it, and now she did it first thing in the morning. One evening before he left for England, SJP had cornered Austin at the Viper Room and confided that she was pretty sure Bob and Hannah were doing heroin with Johnny Depp, Winona Ryder and River Phoenix in the club’s back office. That Hannah had started experimenting with smack in Venice with Bob, behind her back. Austin had told her she was being paranoid, they were doing blow, like everyone else. Sure, Hannah enjoyed blow, maybe too much, but then again, coke was everywhere, e was everywhere, and everyone was doing it, including them. But heroin? No. Hannah was no junkie, she had no track marks, wasn’t passing out, or missing work, or stealing things. She was just going through a party girl phase, needed to let off steam now that she was getting better jobs, and needed to get it out of her system and find her rhythm.  Now, after the arrest, he wasn’t so sure, and the prospect of Hannah being locked away in a rehab, getting rest, forced off drugs, was actually a salve comforting the overwhelming sense of powerlessness and fear running through him because he was so far away. 
“Banana... I’m just saying maybe some rest and relaxation will be good….”
May 17, 1991
Hannah tried to be good while her lawyer, Sheila, sorted out her case. She wore boring clothes. She clenched her fist and powered through the week totally clean until the Point Break wrap party, when she looked down to find herself sipping on a beer and couldn’t even remember picking it up. Fuck it, its just one, you deserve it with the week you’ve had. Three beers and two shots of tequila later Hannah was smoking a joint out back with a mix of actors and crew, including Keanu Reeves, Lori Petty and others. The night went on, the atmosphere was giddy with the thrill of completing such a large-scale action movie and Hannah chased her warm buzz into a drunken fuck-it cyclone. Staggering toward her car, wondering if she should drive, she was rescued from indecision by a bounding Keanu running into her, long hair flapping behind him as he grabbed her hand and pulled her towards a group heading to Sunset in a limo. Hannah couldn’t see straight leaving the The Standard at 2:30 a.m., and found herself sharing a cab alone with Keanu, and his hands, one of which found its way to her knee, a glint sparkling in his eyes, his brows arched in a question.  In that moment, the sheer flattery of his proposition sent a of flock butterflies fluttering through Hannah’s belly, and she looked up at Keanu’s rugged jawline through blurry eyes, focusing her eyes on the rough stubble calling out for her fingers, imagining how sweet it would be to look up at him as he fucked her softly, slowly, tenderly. No one would know. She felt like she was dancing above a ravine, daring herself to tumble in to her own demise. Hearing his velvety, warm voice, Hannah almost propelled herself forward.
“You know, Rosenfeld, you’re the cutest editor I’ve ever met…”
Hannah let out a sardonic, “ha,” taking a deep breath. It took all her will power to remove Keanu’s hand from her knee. 
“Not sure if that’s a compliment… most editors are gross, nerdy, old white dudes… kinda low bar there, K-Rock… but, thanks anyway… it’s just … I have a boyfriend…”
“Still with Austin?”
She nodded, leaving with a hug before wobbling out of the cab and into Robin’s house. The base of her head was still throbbing Monday morning when Austin’s sister, Ashley, showed up to take her to lunch and help her get ready for rehab.
August 17, 1991
Golden Key Treatment Center, Half Moon Bay, CA
Hannah stood in front of the mirror, tee shirt lifted up, moving her hand over her belly and hips, stopping at the top of her grey sweatpants and snapping the elastic in frustration.
“Ughhh, I think I’ve gained 10 pounds since I got here… what the fuck can I possibly wear tomorrow?” She whined to her roommate Sonal, who looked up as she flipped through Cosmo. 
“Shut up Hannah, you look healthy, I would kill for your tits…..”
Hannah shifted from side to side. “And I would kill to be 18 again, like you, with your stupid metabolism and great genes … you could be a model… I would hate you if you weren’t the only other sane person here… but you need to tell your mom tomorrow, no more bringing tubs of Indian food for us to eat at family visitation …  Ok, from now on, every time I want to eat, I’m gonna smoke… coming? ” Hannah slipped on her birks and grabbed her pack of Parliament methols. Sonal followed her downstairs and outside to the ring of metal chairs and benches in the designated smoking area. Golden Key was like a jail mixed with a posh psych ward housed in a Mediterranean style villa overlooking the Pacific Ocean above levels of manicured gardens punctuated with fountains, a pool and tennis courts. The most comfortable smoking section was a deck off to one side of the lobby at the entrance, hidden from the drive by a line of tall evergreen shrubbery, but convenient for those stressful moments Sundays during family time visiting with guests in the main building. 
Today, Hannah and Sonal were alone on their walk through the grounds. Saturdays were the only day patients could get a day pass to leave campus with a buddy or approved guest. It was also one of two days they got to sleep in, and Hannah and Sonal had conspired to stay in, eat cookie dough and veg out watching television, for once not having to compromise with others on what they watched in the common room. Hannah had regressed back to habits from her freshman year at UCLA, spending the day in pajamas without make up, smoking menthols and watching TV.
Sonal exhaled her cigarette, “How long did you say it’s been since you saw your boyfriend?”
“Early April… it’s been over four months ago… he’s probably boarding his flight right now … today’s actually his birthday, but he couldn’t get over until tomorrow…  I’ve been trying to think where we can sneak off during visitation tomorrow … though he probably won’t want to fuck me when he sees how fat and boring I’ve become here… ”
“Hannah… if its been four months, he won’t care what you look like. Why was he in London again?” 
Hannah bit her lip, “Yeah,  he, uh … his company transferred him, but he’s—”
Standing, Sonal looked through the shrubs out toward the circular driveway. “Shhh, Hannah, a black convertible just pulled up front, it looks expensive… ”
Hannah bounced up, moving to peep around the shrubs. “That’s a Lamborghini….” she murmured, watching a tall white guy with shoulder length blonde hair covering his face grab a bouquet of roses and step out of the car. A shot of electricity went through her stomach as she realized who it was, and, stabbing out her cigarette butt she became a woman possessed. She scurried around the deck’s stone balustrade columns and ran down the steps towards the car, the flop of her sandals falling off didn’t phase her. The force of her body knocked Austin back onto the hood of the car as she jumped onto him, legs around his waist, a high pitched squeal escaping her mouth before it smashed against his lips.
“Hey Red…happy to see me?” Austin looked up, through a sly grin in-between kisses, blue eyes bright and twinkling at Hannah. She slide off him, panting and giggling, then realizing she was barefoot in sweatpants, she punched Austin in the shoulder. 
“Asshole - I did not want to look like like this the first time you saw me…..I fucking hate you!”
Austin smirked as he rubbed his mouth, raw from Hannah’s assault on it, his hands were now on her waist as he pulled her back into his embrace. “Shut up, you look fucking hot… I might have to ravish you right here on my new car…”
“NOPE…. I know how much you like public sex… ugh, actors… consistently looking for an audience… well, the joke’s on you, babe… now you have to wait for me to shower and get some clothes on.”
“What’s the point when I’m going spend the rest of the night tryin to get them off…?”
“Hmm, we’ll see if you have a chance with that British accent… where’s the man I said goodbye to in March? Did you leave my boyfriend back in London?”
“Yeah… I … uh…” Austin ran his hand through his long hair, pushing it behind his ear, embarrassed. “I’m working on that… I’ve been speaking like Mick Jagger for almost six months… longer if you count the dialogue coach I started with last fall… at this point…  I don’t even know what my real voice sounds like, I mean, this feels like my real voice… certain things trigger it and other times as well it’s, I don’t know… I can’t help it, its like a part of the fiber of my being… fuck, that sounds stupid, doesn’t it?”
Hannah caressed the side of his mouth, noticing how tired he looked. “No, it doesn’t sound stupid… that’s the nature of being an empty vessel… a beautiful, tall, sexy empty vessel… sometimes it takes a while for the contents to drain out, right?” She pulled Austin’s neck forward, and stood on her toes to kiss his check. “I love you Austin Jagler…” 
A kiss to his other cheek, and Austin’s face melted into a lusty haze, beaming down on her with a broad, affectionate grin. Her witty barbs and insults were an aphrodisiac. Hannah could have asked him to drive his brand new Lamborghini into the ocean and he would have. Just watching Hannah’s boobs bounce up and down (had they gotten bigger since April?) as she ran toward him without a bra on, her hair bobbing out of a messy bun, shoes falling off as she pummeled him on to his new car, tits first, smooshing him down under a mountain of soft, billowy breasts, and he was transfixed. Knocked down, figuratively and literally, He could have stayed there, on the Lamborghini’s hood, fully clothed, watching her hover above him, the outline of her nipples visible through her shirt, and he would have been content for hours. Although now that she had steadied herself, and was once again demeaning, insecure, doting and violent all at once as she slapped him, called him an empty vessel and told him she loved him, he was even more bewitched then ever. 
“Austin?” Hannah snapped her fingers in his face. “You must really be jet lagged… I said, you have to fill out some forms inside while I change, I’ll be real quick.”
An hour later, Austin’s left hand was pushing up the hem of Hannah’s knee length yellow and green flowered dress, finding its way to rest on her knee, slowing moving up higher, his left hand steering them out of the Golden Key’s gates and down the hill towards the coast. She leaned on his shoulder, and he kissed the top of her hair, lifting his arm to pull her in closer.
“You are such a bastard, showing up a day early … you’re lucky you’re so pretty… and that it’s your birthday…. and that I missed you …” she said, her voice becoming breathy, low, and Austin gasped at the way her hand moved to caress the top of his inner thigh. She chuckled as his cock twitched and he reached down to remove her hand.
“Mmmhmmm… you’re gonna make me crash, baby… I only just landed in San Francisco this morning, and this is a new car, and I’m not used to this windy road … so, where are we going?”
“You bought this car this morning on your way here?”
“No, Alex picked it up for me and drove it to meet me at the plane.”
“Fucking movie stars … don’t even buy your own cars… making your assistant drive nine hours from LA with a shiny new toy instead of just renting a car like a normal person… pathetic… “ Austin grinned, eyes remaining forward on the road, it made him feel powerful to hear Hannah recount his extravagance through mockery, the way her eyes widened told him she was secretly impressed.
“Ugh, Half Moon Bay is really a one horse town… there’s a fisherman’s wharf touristy area, some beaches, a square with a few shops… I just have to be back by 9, and, um, we’re not supposed to leave the town…”
“Right, but how would they know?”
“I would know… I um… I’m really trying to do this … I want to graduate sooner rather than later…”
“Graduate?”
“Yeah, remember? I wrote about it, in one of my very long, dumb rambly letters … it’s stupid, but the program length is variable here, three months to a year, based on how long it takes to complete their ‘three phases’ and ‘graduate’ from the program…”
“What phase are you on?”
“Two… I have a sponsor in NA and I’m plugging along … rah rah rah…”
“That’s good, though, I mean… right?”
Hannah squinted, looking ahead of her, and then looked down, fidgeting with her dress. “Yes.” Her voice was low, sincere. “Yes. I’m glad I’m here. I wasn’t at first….. but now I’ve been here for two months and… I … I have been able to admit that ….. the drugs were a problem for me… and… I don’t want to do them anymore … I want to be free… is that the lamest thing ever? Don’t worry, they haven’t totally brainwashed me … I’m still a devout atheist… I still like sex and rock ’n roll …but, I um… look…. we should talk tonight I guess, because if you need a girlfriend who you can get fucked up with and share that party lifestyle with I totally get it…but being clean, for me, means no booze… no recreational e and dancing at parties in the desert…”
Austin’s face grew pensive, and he drew Hannah in tighter, planting a long kiss again on the top of her head. “Shut up with that… First, we did that once because YOU wanted to… raves are not exactly my scene… and Second, You’re my girl, ok? I’m gonna take care of you. I want to….And, uh…I’m like, really proud of you, Hannah Banana, I really am… so let’s figure out more pressing issues… like,it’s 1:30, I gotta get you back by 9… that doesn’t give us much time, we should probably go straight to my hotel…”
Hannah guffawed, “Not even gonna buy me dinner first, huh?” 
Austin’s heart swelled and he felt himself harden more, Hannah’s teasing lilt made the hair on the back of his neck stand up, and he rubbed her knee. “Don’t worry, I’ll think of something to feed you,” he tried to play it straight, looking ahead, but unable to stop his deep chuckles as Hannah playfully slapped him. “I meant to talk…” he laughed,  “like we should just go to my hotel, so we have somewhere private to talk… we have a lot to talk about… we don’t even have to have sex today… or even go to the super deluxe suite I got with a big, comfy king bed … we can just hang out on the hotel grounds, the lobby is nice, there’s like a path along some cliffs and an outdoor fire place, there’s a golf course somewhere…”
Hannah hummed, her hand sliding around his waist, “Ok, yeah, you know how much I love golf …” 
“What the fuck, Austin…  the Ritz? I didn’t even know this was here, leave it to you to find the most overpriced poncy, rich asshole place to stay.” Hannah exclaimed, as Austin led her through the lobby of the Half Moon Bay Ritz Carlton. He shrugged, walking towards the outdoor bar where a fire was indeed roaring from a large, stone pit, and you could see the Pacific Ocean churning beyond green cliffs. Hannah shook her head, and pulled him to her, standing on her toes to whisper into his ear, “I need to use the bathroom, can we go to room?” Her teeth grazing the bottom of Austin’s earlobe, and she grinned as his eye brows lifted and he nodded his chin, tapping his hand over his thigh during the elevator ride up. 
Looking at herself in the bathroom mirror, Hannah’s confidence faded a bit, she pulled on the waddle that had expanded under her chin, and pushed it back to up, looking at herself with both hands pulling back the excess skin around her face. Stupid fucking cow, you were almost a size 8… now you can barely get into your size 12 clothes… But Hannah’s confidence surged back when she came out to find the eager, almost innocent look of awe in Austin’s eyes glued to her from the couch where he was untying his oxfords,  camel hair jacket already off. He jumped up and sauntered over, pushing his long hair to the side. She shivered at his hands closing in around her waist, savoring how the back of his index finger lightly feathered up and down her sides. His blue eyes were dark and half lidded with lust above a dopey smile. 
“Hey…” his voice was husky, slow, and Hannah’s pulse quickened, quivering at his touch, the fire building in her core swelled and her chin jolted down, embarrassed of how intense her desire felt. Her breath was uneven, nervous, and Austin’s right hand moved to her soothe her cheek, cupping it and turning it towards him.
“Hey… is this ok? You ok?” Hannah nodded, her fingers moving to play and tug at the belt loops on his hips, pushing into him. Now both of Austin’s hands were cupping her face, thumbs gliding over the tops of her cheeks, his lips soft on hers, then pausing to swallow anxiously. Her eyes widened, as she nuzzled the tip of his nose, and his head bent down, the warmth from his forehead meeting hers, eyes squeezed shut, shuddering as he mumbled, “Oh god baby, sweet baby, I missed you so much… so… so much….” 
A warm tingling pricked at the sides of Hannah’s eyes, she thought she might cry, but she kept it at bay, nodded, her hands tightening around him as his nose grazed her cheek and his lips were on her earlobe, then kissing the nape of her neck softly.  He drew her closer to him, taking her left hand in his right palm to sway  around the room, half speaking/half singing the lyrics to the song “Lady in Red” softly in her ear. Austin’s slow, gravelly, semi-British inflection pulled her in and she followed his lead, moving in harmony, their bodies softening and relaxing as they remembered how they fit together. 
I've never seen you looking so gorgeous as you do tonight…
I've never seen you shine so bright
You’re amazing
I've never seen so many people want to be there by your side
And when you turned to me and smiled
It took my breath away
And I have never had such a feeling
Such a feeling of complete and utter love
As I do tonight
The lady in red is dancing with me
Cheek to cheek
There's nobody here
It's just you and me
It's where I want to be
Well, I hardly know this beauty by my side
I'll never forget the way you look tonight
Austin’s voice cracked, and Hannah heard it and felt it, with her head was resting on his chest. It sent a wave of electricity up her belly. Austin paused by the window, smoothing her hair, his fingers trailing down her back.
“I love you, Red, forever and always..,”
“I love you too, Austin, always and forever.” He gripped her closer as he felt her voice reverberating through his chest. 
Austin pulled back to look into Hannah’s big brown eyes, wide and vulnerable, her pupils blown with longing, and he answered it with a kiss, stroked her back with his thumb. The kisses became deeper, his mouth enclosing her upper lip, softly, then pulling on it, before their tongues collided, each beckoning the other to consume them completely. Hannah fingers worked their way down the buttons of his black, flower patterned dress shirt, slowly, biting her lip as it finally fell to the floor and her hands moved, shakily, over his smooth, firm skin.  Austin grabbed her right hand, kissing the back of her palm. Her other hand brushed a lock of his long hair out of his eyes, tucking it behind his ear.
“I like the long hair, by the way… you look like a handsome, rock star surfer.” Hannah whispered, grasping a handful and pushing it behind his right ear. 
“Thanks…” Austin muttered distractedly as he pulled at her dress, exhaling with awe as he slowly raised it up over her head, shaking his head and popping his lips at the sight of Hannah’s heaving pale breasts. He bent down in reverence to kiss the line of freckles above them, grinning like a school boy at the sound of his fingers successfully pulling off the last hook of her bra clasp. Now his hands were moving slowly down her back, playing with the elastic of her panties as his lips forged a trail from her décolletage to her mouth. Feeling her tense, he looked down to see Hannah sucking in her stomach, using her arms to cover the slope of her belly and hips, and he stepped back, as if reading her mind, he pulled her hands away so her could admire her whole figure.
“You’re gorgeous, Red… really… I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.”
Hannah rolled her eyes, “Stop…”
“No, really…” Austin lowered himself on his quads to grab Hannah by her ass cheeks, lifting her up and carrying her under her knees and back over to the bed, then laying her down gently. Hovering over her, Austin’s eyes smoldered. “I need to tell you something baby…. you look better, you look healthy, you look like you did when we met… this is how your body is supposed to look…” his hand stroked the roundness of her hips, grabbing and rolling her soft, supple flesh, as he leaned in to kiss Hannah’s shoulder, smirking as she whimpered in response to the soft touch of his fingers tracing a line up her belly to her breasts to flick her nipple. A bolt of lightening ran down Hannah’s spine and sparked at her core, a fire building as Austin mumbled on, the arousal in his voice shuddering through. “These curves just kill me… I’ve seen you naked hundreds of times now, and every time it’s still …. a fucking revelation, I just want to sink in, explore every contour, feel every bounce, taste every inch of you…” as he said this, Austin pushed himself lower, until he was on his knees at the base of the bed, looking into Hannah’s eyes as he slowly slide her panties off, eyebrow arched in a question, then hastening to rip them off once Hannah nodded her chin in assent. Austin dragged her legs towards him until they were over his shoulder and Hannah’s rosy pink pussy met his face with a wet slap at the edge of the bed. He held her still when she twitched, responding to the intense flick of his tongue over the center her clit. Austin spoke into Hannah’s sex, his hands soothing the top of her thighs.
“Shhhh… s’ok… don’t worry, I’m not gonna hurt you baby…”
“Mhmmmm I know, I’m ok,” Hannah’s eyes met Austin’s, looking up at her between her legs. “ I just… I don’t think I’ve ever done this sober, not really, not like this where I’ve been clean for months…”
Austin leaned forward to lav at Hannah’s core, maintaining eye contact, and then pausing to rub her clit with his thumb, savoring the pitter patter of his finger against her slick flesh. 
“I’m into it, I want to see you, the real you, I can’t wait to watch you come undone, unfiltered, knowing that I am making you feel pleasure, and not some chemicals…” 
Throwing her head back, Hannah cried out when Austin returned his tongue to her nub, her fingers seizing the duvet cover to steady her through the intense waves of pleasure washing over her as the tip of his tongue rolled on her, up and down in a syncopated trance, then shifting to circle around her core, bringing his thumb to messaged her entrance and gently open it up, his tongue back home on her clit, fingers gliding inside her, calling out to her center as his rhythm intensified, responding to the thrust of Hannah’s hips now fucking into his mouth was she chased the sensation building in her belly until she screamed out a refrain of “oh gods,” her face contorting in agony through her release, hips bucking slowly as the waves crashed outward and the heat of her orgasm rippled out across her body. The sparks flew up through her nose and tingled down to the skin at the base of her feet.
“Oh god Austin… I FUCKING love you…” she cried out, her head flinging back as she panted. Austin grinned up at her, his thumb riding her through her climax over her clit, before she pulled him off by his wrist, unable to take the over stimulation. Hannah perched up on her elbows and caught her breathe, her fingers aimlessly twirliing Austin’s long hair. He smirked a self-satisfied smirk, wiping his mouth on the duvet, then lifting himself up effortlessly from his shins.
Hannah admired his bare abs, rising in a V shape to broad, muscular hard shoulders, he spoke while looking down to unbuckle his pants. “I honestly don’t know how long I’ll last today baby…. It’s been a while… unless you count jerking off to the sound of your voice…” Still panting, Hannah’s mouth turned into a bright gleam, and she sat up, making him trip over the edge of the bed as she pulled him down toward her, kicking off the last leg of his trousers and jostling to land over her with a burst of laughter. Pushing the blonde hair out of his face, Hannah looked up into his eyes with an affectionate grin, the reverence she found there made her gasp.
“I still can’t get over the fact that you’re really here with me, that it’s really you,” she whispered, pinching his arm. “I’m afraid any moment I’m going to wake up in my bed at GK and this will all be some sort of wet dream.”
Austin leaned in, meeting his lips with hers, his tip grazing her entrance as he met her eyes. 
“If this is a dream, I don’t wanna wake up, I just wanna be here with you.” He started to push into her, slowly, grunting low as a he watched Hannah’s eyes widen and her breath hitch in her throat with a gasp, exhaling through the snug fit of her cunt and the way she involuntary clenched around him.
“Hey, you ok?” His eyes darted up to search hers.
“Mhmmmmm…uh huh…” she answered, moaning out, “I just… may be out of practice…”
“S’ok…” Austin slowly thrust out, and then, rocking back into her, he grabbed her hips and swiveled onto his back so that Hannah was now on top. “Take the wheel, baby, let’s go at your pace.” 
Pausing to reposition her knees on either side of his hips, Hannah pushed her hands onto his chest to steady herself, her breath sharp as she lifted off of him and then slid back down, a glint in her eyes. 
“I like ... uhhhh… how I tell you… I’m …ummff….. out of practice and… ahhhhh…. out of shape and that I don’t know what I’m doing…. And …o f fuck…..you put me in charge…” She grunted, her voice was playful as she began to bob up and down on Austin’s cock, biting her lips as she found the angle that made a spark jolting up through her core with each forward movement.
“Oh god, fuck I missed you so much….” Austin groaned, his hands digging into her hips as she rode him deeper and he rose to meet each thrust, his hands tightening to slow her down. “Whoo, wait, hold on…” Hannah paused, as Austin pushed himself up, his legs folding under her as he pulled her knees up on either side of him.  Hannah felt his cock push deeper, as she met his body, straddling him at eye level as he wrapped his arms around her waist, and she lowered her legs on either side of his, her arms now hooked around his shoulders. Their bodies were twisted together upright in an embrace as Hannah began to grind against Austin slowly in lotus position, feeling his length glide up and down within her, the muscles in his arms tensing as they moved with her hips to support each push up and down. Face-to-face in the middle of the bed, their mouths hovered across from each other as they gazed into each other’s eyes. Austin’s breath synced with Hannah’s and she grasped the back of his neck, twirling his hair into a rope away from his face as she kissed him deeply, passionately, heaving back and forth as her pussy opened up further for him with each thrust. 
“I missed you too…” Hannah murmured between low gasps, her hips dipping up and down deliberately, a loud moan escaping her mouth.
Austin’s fingers drew her in closer. “Let’s just live here in this bed and… never… uhhhh … leave… ok?”  Amused, Hannah nodded, as Austin pulled her in for another kiss, his lips wet, tongue furtive, bodies pressed tightly together, Austin savored the swell of Hannah’s breasts against his heart as they fucked into each other in a slow, soulful rhythm. Austin’s hands began to move Hannah’s hips more energetically.
“I love you… Hannah Banana”
“I love you too pretty boy…” her fingers slide down to his chest and began to tweak his nipples, and Hannah bit her lip as his blue eyes met hers with an intense heat, plunging down onto him, hips rippling as he worked them with her and she felt a tension building in her core. “Fuck Austin, I think I’m gonna cum again…”
He bit his lip, nodding his forehead against hers. “Hey, that’s my girl… just relax… don’t fight it…. Uhhhh god….you feel so soft when you cum…  ride me through it… FUCK I fucking love you….”
Letting loose Hannah cried out, trembling as she continued to rock back and forth over Austin until he jerked harder up into her, his abdomen tightening, her name on his lips as he convulsed and exploded deep inside her. 
“Oh god...” Austin muttered, his brow bending into hers as he stilled her hips and Hannah pushed down, squeezing her arms around him until they fell sideways. She landed on his chest as they exhaled, a heaving pile of spent limbs. 
The sun set over the ocean, and Hannah and Austin spent the rest of the afternoon in bed, crawling to the phone to order room service, sitting on the bed lazily drinking Pellegrino and feeding each other French fries, finding new ways for their bodies to fit together when splayed across each other. Austin murmured in her ear how he wanted Hannah to move in with him when she graduated, and she nodded, all the pride and snark and insecure stubbornness fucked out of her. 
“Ok. If you mean it.”
“Let me take care of you Hannah.”
“We can take care of each other, ok? I’m not some helpless patient… I’m just… trying to get better… but… I am so, so SO grateful, lucky? For your support… it makes it so much easier to be here now that I an escape with you….” She answered, and he kissed her forehead.
“You’re right… we take care of each other… and I’ll be back next weekend, cuz I need you…. Being here with you, it’s like you fill up this empty, Hannah shaped hole in my life….”
She giggled, and slapped his shoulder. “I feel like you fill up an empty Austin-shaped hole deep inside me…”
Austin rolled his eyes. “I meant figuratively… like a part of my soul is incomplete without you.”
Hannah turned to look at him, as he spooned her from behind, their eyes met and Hannah waggled her eyebrows, leaning up to kiss Austin’s lips and then moving around so that they were once again tangled in an embrace, kissing deeply as their bodies softly heaved into one another, and before he knew it, Austin was above Hannah again, hard, looking for her nod as he spread her legs and guided himself into her once more.
“Oh gawd, baby, when I’m inside you I just feel like I’m home….” 
Hannah’s big brown eyes, widened, a deep laugh burst out of her throat, followed by the sharp gasp she exhaled as Austin’s cock lunged into her. 
“Austin, that is so corny, that’s like the Hallmark card for vaginas… CUM home Austin…”
“Shhh, Hannah…ughhhh” he smiled down at her, hovering above as he continued to thrust into her. “Don’t ruin the romantic mood——”
“Ok..baby… you’re right…. It’s so… ughhhh.. romantic when you tell me how my pussy is like …ahhh” their conversation was punctuated by groans of pleasure. “House….”
“Like home, like it is so comforting to be inside a familiar pussy, a homey pussy…ughhhh”
She laughed and shook her head, and then gripped his sides as Austin began to pump into her harder, and Hannah could no longer form full sentences, her whole body buzzed from the electricity generated by each pound against her g spot. Within a few more minutes, she was coming unraveled, and Austen soon followed.
Dozing off in a post coital nap, it was 8:15 when Hannah eventually rose and began to dress, looking over her shoulder with a heavy heart. Austin followed, hand through his hair, retrieving his own clothes and dropping her back at her rehab with the promise that he would be at family visitation the next day. Before she got out of the car, Hannah handed him a small jewelry box with a bow wrapped around it.
“Happy birthday, pretty boy…”
He opened the box, finding a cassette tape labeled with Hannah’s handwriting, Songs that Make Me Think of You. 
“ I was planning to give it to you tomorrow… there are no cool shops in Half Moon Bay… and you have so much money and stupid things anyway…. so I thought I’d make you something… there some Cure, REM, Pixies, Elvis Costello…. some love songs… ugh, it’s stupid… I mean, you just bought yourself a Lamborghini…”
Austin grinned, shaking his head, as he cupped her face and drew her to him. “Shut up. This is perfect because you made it for me… I can’t wait to listen to it…”
Mid August though Mid September, 1991
The next few weekends would follow much the same, as Austin drove up from LA to visit and September came to call, bringing with it a cooler bite to the coastal California sea air. The mood at rehab changed perceptibly, and Hannah waltzed through her days on a pink cloud, scribbling daily journal entries, speaking openly and positively in groups, meetings, sessions with her counselor and her NA sponsor. As she started to make plans to move home, phrase three was in her sights, all she had to do was connect with a temporary NA sponsor in LA and set up a meeting, and she could start planning to graduate the first week of October. 
It was a balmy, early Tuesday morning when Hannah bounded down the staircase from her dorms to the foyer, whistling REM’s “Shiny Happy People,” when a note stuck in her throat at the sight of Min waiting for her on a bench. Austin had been up to visit the previous weekend, and had said nothing about his publicist visiting her before he departed Sunday. She started to open her mouth, and Min motioned for her to follow as she led Hannah back to what was usually her counselor’s office.
“James, is it? Said I could use his office.” Hannah nodded, and watched with horror as Min unfurled several tabloids in front of Hannah with the previous days’ date on them. There, on the front, were photos of her and Austin: kissing, walking, holding hands, at the hotel and then saying goodbye at the front of the Golden Key’s main building. The headline read “Butler’s Romance with Downey’s Junkie Jailbird.”
“Fuckkkk… what the fuck Min?”
“Someone tipped off the paparazzi. Either someone who saw you at the hotel, or walking around this charming institution. Doesn’t matter who, at this point, it’s out there. And they have the whole story, your name, the details of the arrest, everything.”
Hannah gulped, flipping through the pages and gasping in horror as she found the double-page spread with photos someone had taken driving by the arrest with her and Downey, next to her mug shot and a photo of her and Austin walking down the red carpet at US premiere of his last film, David Lynch’s Crazy at Heart. Min straightened her glasses, her deep Black skin somehow radiant even first thing in the morning, when Hannah imagined she must have woken up very early in order to drive or fly up from LA.
“Austin doesn’t know I’m here. And I think we both know that boy is like a Labrador retriever. He will not do the smart thing, he will be loyal, he will not break up with you. But he must. You are a liability to his career. I cannot stress that enough. I’m sorry, I have to say it as it is. Bob is not getting any offers, and he was nominated for an Oscar, because he can not get insurance coverage until he finishes treatment and stays out of trouble for at least a year, I not more. His career may very well be over…  I begged Austin, BEGGED him, not to have you walk down the carpet last year, to keep his private life private, but did he listen? No. And I, foolishly, didn’t put my foot down, because it didn’t really matter, did it? Who cares if an actor dates a random normal person, it’s not as fun to read about as two celebrities dating, so the gossip mongers have pretty much left you two alone. No one ever saw this photo from then red carpet before, it was all they cared about were pictures of him with Laura Dern or Lynch. Even with the arrest, all eyes were on Downey. You were literally cut out of the photos so the papers could get a better close up framing Downer with the cops. And with your plea deal, we managed to keep you under the radar. But now, the only way to make this go away is to stop providing them fodder and distract them with something new.”
Hannah met Min’s eyes, confused, as she sat down, and Min followed suit, perching on the edge of the chair across from Hannah.
“Just tell me what to do. Like a statement that we aren’t involved.”
“What? Actually comment on this? God no. No. It just needs to stop. You need to break it off, and then I will  set him up with some very public dates. Maybe with some of his costars from Jagger, like Halle Berry, Rosie Perez, Christie Brinkley, they played his main love interests….” Hannah nodded, and then Min reached over and put her hand over Hannah’s and squeezed it. “You know, Hannah, if you want to be truly happy, though, you should just pull off the band aid and really break up with him today. While you’re in here, safe from temptation, and cared for, where you can heal. Actors should date other famous people, who know what this lifestyle is. This thing, its never going to work long term. Look at you, dear, are you better or worse off after doing this tango with Austin on and off for four years? Dating someone famous, its extremely difficult….  its like a swan dating a rat, he should be with another swan…”
Hannah pulled her hand back, brow furrowed.
“So I’m a rat now?”
Min breathed deeply.
“I was trying to emphasize difference. He’s above-the-line talent, you’re below-the-line crew. He grew up with money, you didn’t and you are always going to worry whether you are enough, no matter what he says, or how much you trust him. You and Austin different species, that’s all I’m saying. If you are honest with yourself, you already know in your heart I’m right.” Min patted her own heart. “Look, you can do whatever you want. But dear, no one was interested in a story about a young woman going to rehab after getting arrested, not until they saw Austin up here, then someone told the paps and they started poking around. You need to look out for yourself. What is going to happen to you? And your career? If you stay together, I guarantee this is not the last time you’ll be in the tabloids. It’s the first. Of many. Either way, you need to convince him to stop coming up here to visit. To have public dates with a few famous women. The paps will loose interest and it will all blow over….. Unless you keep adding fuel to the fire. If this stops, you may still be able to salvage your reputation, there will be people who didn’t read this tabloid. But if the coverage continues, week after week as he visits, or when you come back, or if you relapse… at some point, things that normal people get to keep private will come out, and it’s possible Variety or the LA Times will do a story on you guys.”
Hannah nodded, starting at her fingers in concentration. She knew what she had to do.
October 15, 1991
The drive back down to Los Angeles was long, and Avi was silent, giving his daughter the room she needed to be with her thoughts as she mentally prepared for her new life, her clean life, life after rehab. Hannah sighed. Ugh, its worse than being 18…. I’m a single, unemployed 28 year old loser. She pulled in one of Austin’s hoodies she had kept after a visit, wallowing in the melancholy that washed over her. 
Austin had become irate when she broke up with him over the phone in her counselor’s office the day Min visited her three weeks ago…
“Are you fucking serious? Because of some tabloid bull shit? You know I don’t care. Fame doesn’t fucking interest me, I just want to be with you, work with great people and make art. ”
“But, Austin, being famous gives you the profile do that  —“
“Sure, but so you take the good with the bad. You know that, you grew up in this business.”
“And look at how fucked up I am. Plus, its not like the paparazzi chase after editors, Austin, that is definitely a bonus from dating you …”
“You think I like them? Those people are parasites… they are the SCUM of the earth, I cannot believe you are letting them control your life—”
“Austin, I am not LETTING them do anything, I am just trying to live life on life’s terms, one day at a day—“
“Don’t you dare start throwing those AA cliches at ME, Hannah. At least be real. We love each other. Nothing else matters. You’re just hurt and scared and you’re reacting like a baby…”
“NA cliches, please, if you are gonna insult me at least be accurate… look it doesn’t matter….  You re not being fair… I AM trying to be real. You know what’s real? I don’t have a job lined up. In this business, you are only as good as your next job, and this type of stuff might make it impossible—”
“So what? You don’t need a job, Just come live with me. I’ll take care of you …”
“Do you know how demoralizing it is for you to talk to me like that? As if I haven’t been working like a dog for the last seven years to get where I am? Let alone how bad just sitting around your house waiting for you to come home and fuck me would be for my recovery? The tabloids, the paparazzi, they aren’t the problem. They’re a symptom of the real problem, which is how incompatible we are. You’re a swan, and I am a rat, we are defying the laws of nature—”
Austin growled. “Are you high right now? They should give you a drug test. You sound ridiculous. I literally don’t even know what that means with the swan and the rat. Ugh! You are being so stupid. You always do this, you get stuck on how I’m a ‘movie star,’ and then you blow it out of proportion because you are insecure and stubborn. Most woman would be overjoyed to have someone offer to support them while they figure out their shit. And work through this together.” 
“Austin, you don’t get it, and I can’t do this, we’re talking in circles… look, my sponsor told me not to date anyone for my first year sober, and I completely ignored her. But clearly I was wrong, because this whole thing is a trigger for me, you are a trigger. We have too much baggage, from before, from now. I love you, I love you so much…” tears started to well up in Hannah’s eyes, and her voice wavered. “But love isn’t enough and I have to put myself first.”
The sound of her sobs made Austin even angrier. “No. The answer is NO. I’m not letting you do this. We are not breaking up, you are being hysterical.” Her sobs got louder, and Austin sighed, running his hand through his hair and tried to calm down. He could almost see Hannah’s pale face becoming blotchy and red and wet as she cried. It was beautiful and ugly and he couldn’t bear it. “Oh Banana, look, you’re upset. We can’t have this conversation over the phone. I’m gonna get in my car and drive up right now.”
“NO! No, Austin, no, don’t come up here - they took those photos of you coming here, it might even be another resident here. Please, please, don’t come up.” She sniffed, wiping her eyes, breathing deeply to steady her voice. “Look, this isn’t up to you. You don’t get to let me do anything. It’s over. Do not come up here, do not call, do not try to see me. I’m taking you off the guest list. Can’t you understand? I need to do this for…. my recovery. I just need to be single and focus on staying clean.”
 “I canNOT fucking believe you are doing this, after everything. I have done nothing but support you getting sober. You can’t take me off the guest list, I PAID for that fucking rehab, did you know that? And now what do I get in return? Gratitude? NO. You’re fucking punishing me for staying with you. For getting ‘caught’ on camera being the good guy. Ugh!!!!” Austin had slammed down the phone and then paced the living room, punching the wall.  
Hannah collapsed on the desk sobbing, and when she calmed down and tried to look up, she would see the corny twelve step slogans framed on the wall and start crying again. Because part of her knew he was right, that it was unfair to use recovery as an excuse. But she was also convinced this was the best thing for both of them. Definitely for him. The fact that he had ended up paying for her rehab only solidified how wrong she was for him, how he deserved better. She’d had no idea, her lawyer Sheila had told her that her health insurance had covered it, but she had left all the details to Sheila. Who Austin had probably subsidized as well, once she started to think about it, realizing how little the legal invoice had been. She hadn’t even questioned that at the time. You’re a fucking idiot. And so is he, I wish he had kept his fucking money to himself and let me go to whatever shit hole the Motion Picture Health & Welfare insurance would have covered. 
Sitting n her father’s Honda, Hannah pulled the collar of Austin’s hoody tight, letting the faint smell of his cologne comfort her. The break up conversation felt so fresh it could have been yesterday instead of three weeks ago, probably because she replayed it over and over again in her head. The intervening days had gone by in a blur, going through the motions of putting on a brave face, finishing her phrase three preparations, doing whatever she had to do and saying whatever she had to say so she could leave. She’d have to be careful, she knew now that because Austin had paid for her stay, he probably knew he was out, and his house was only 15 minutes down the coast from her father’s mobile home community. That is the first thing, figure out a new place to live.
Avi gave her a soft, sweet look as he unloaded her luggage. “You look like you could use a cup of tea, Noodle. And perhaps a meeting.” Hannah smiled weakly, her heart breaking as she considered how much it probably hurt her father to see her like this, how worried he probably had been after the arrest. 
“Yeah pop.” She jumped out of the car, and took the other suitcases out of the trunk, following Avi into the trailer.
October 31, 1991
Playboy Mansion Halloween Party
The sound of the waterfall broke up the cocktail chatter as Austin felt the ice cube in his glass hit his teeth, the smooth whiskey warming his throat as he gulped it down. He pulled on his white silk tie, straightening it over his pink dress shirt. He ran his fingers through his long blonde hair, and looked over at Emilio chatting with a Latinx bunny in a cute Kelly green corset with matching bunny ears. He rolled his eyes as Emilio asked her flirty questions, using is had to wave  her over to him and pointing in his empty glass.
“Alma, is it? Keep ‘em coming, okay sweetheart?”
Emilio shook his head in mock disgust. They’d met on the set of Austin’s first movie in 1988,  he’d played a the main villain, a frat boy that Estevez’s character was investigating for murder. The Playboy Mansion wasn’t really Austin’s scene, but Emilio and Rick, a producer they both knew, had invited him and he pushed himself to get out of his house and come mingle. It was hard to distinguish the bunnies from the starlets and aspiring actresses dressed up for the Playboy Halloween Party in some sort of costume that involved a corset with heels. There was corset Wonder Woman, corset black cat, corset witches, was that a corset cow girl?
An hour or so later, he was mindlessly nodding in conversation with his friend Rick, Rosie Perez, who had  played the role of Jagger’s first wife, and a few bunnies whose names he didn’t really catch when he felt a strong hand slap his back, and turned to see Keanu Reeves behind him. 
“Butler,” he said, softly, and Austin turned to shake his hand as Keanu’s arm lingered around his shoulder. His smile was open, vulnerable, but there was a mystery in his stoic eyes. “So, still knee deep in the editing bay?” Keanu grinned, then stepped aside to grab a glass of champagne from a waiter walking by.
“What?” Austin sipped his own drink, watching as Keanu lit a cigarette.
“You’re girl, I met her on Point Break, she here with you?”
“Oh right,” Austin emptied his glass and slammed it down, looking around for a waiter or bunny, suddenly very very thirsty. He had only met Keanu in passing at aa few events, and had been so preoccupied with his own film project he hadn’t really paid much thought to Hannah’s work over the last year.  “Yeah, we actually just split last month…” 
Keanu blew cigarette smoke up into the air, shaking his head. “There was something about her, man, those tits, am I right?” 
Austin frowned, then pushed Keanu lightly in the chest. “Hey man.”
Keanu’s eyes narrowed, and a dry smirk formed across his lips. “Yeah, no I get it. Must have been some good snatch if you’re still hung up on her. Tell me, did the curtains match the drapes?” Waggling his eyebrows, his voice was dry, sincere and earnest, Keanu’s grin widened as Austin pulled back his fist and jabbed him in the face, his dark hair flopping as he staggered back, laughing, as he lunged forward and landed an uppercut in Austin’s chest. Seconds later Austin was pulling him down on the ground, and they rolled on top of each other needing, kicking each other until Austin landed over him, and was about to pummel him again when the strong arms of security guards pulled him off and escorted them both out of the party. 
Standing at the front of the mansion’s gothic Tudor front building, Austin rubbed his chest as he waited for the valet to bring his car around, he looked to his side as Keanu stood there, wiping the blood from his cracked lip.  Keanu laughed, and went toward a black Porsche that was being brought around.
“Hey Austin, I’m sorry man, I was just fucking with you. I’m in a weird head space tonight, c’mon, let me make it up to you. I know just what you need.”
“What about my car?”
“Leave it, it’ll be here in the morning. “
Still buzzed, even though the fight had sobered him up, Austin shrugged and thought to himself, why the fuck not, as he leaned to sit passenger seat next to Keanu and they roared off down the hills toward Sunset.
Keanu lit another cigarette, and tapped a speed dial on his car phone.
“Hey, Polly? Hey it’s Josey Wells,” he winked at Austin, and whispered, “code name,” grinning at Austin’s confusion. “Yeah, hey, yeah, I’m wondering if its too late to put in an order for the night? Yeah. Something red, and thick. Mhmmm. Yeah, that’s the one. Send it to my house.”
Austin sat back, and rolled down the window, watching as they winded down Sunset toward the ocean.
Walking towards Keanu’s front door, Austin took in the collection of motorcycles in his garage. They were in a canyon in Malibu, up above the Pacific Coast with a view of the ocean.
“You know I live just down the road, I shoulda followed you…. So, you gonna keep me in suspense or what?”
Turning on lights, Keanu walked to his bar and poured them both drinks. 
“You know, I’ve been in love. I know what it is to have your heart broken. Bad. Like where it hurts just to think about her. I can see it in your eyes, amigo.”
Austin drained his glass, tilting his head back he closed his eyes as he breathed deeply, and unbuttoned the top of his shirt, loosening his tie. He took his white sport’s jacket off and draped it over a chair. Turning to Keanu, he pursed his lips, jaw tensing. “OK, so?”
“Well, the best way to get over someone is to —”
“Start seeing someone else. Yeah, I’ve heard from all my friends. Problem is, I don’t want to date anyone else.”
Keanu walked to his fridge, and grabbed a bag of frozen peas, which he placed over his face as after he lay down on his couch. Austin followed, listening to Keanu’s dry voice emanate through the peas.
“Exactly. Which is why the best way, the actual best way to get over someone, is to find a hooker who looks just like ‘em, work out all your issues through sex. It’s very cathartic, trust me.”
Austin’s sullen face transformed to a bright beaming grin, his cheeks squeezing up as he exploded in laughter.
“You cannot be serious.” Austin’s bottom lip hung down in disbelief.
Keanu looked up from the bag of peas at Austin, who was now sitting in a leather chair across from him
“Hmmm… just wait, she’ll be here any minute. Trust me, Polly Fleissman is the best madam in this town. First one’s on me.”
Austin stroked his chin with his right thumb and forefinger. “How much is it?”
Keanu grinned like a giddy school boy, “S’ $1500 a night… and worth every penny.”
It was midnight when Keanu ushered in a white, red headed woman with curly hair, about the same height as Hannah, plump and voluptuous. It distinctly was not Hannah, but he would have done a double take passing her on the street. The tell was how clean cut she looked in a simple, expensive beige drape halter dress, and her sexy, confident voice, greeting them, introducing herself as “Jacqueline, but you can call me whatever you like.” Welcomed her in, offered her a drink, and the pulled out a small bag of white pills from his pocket, and held it up, jiggling the pills.
“I got some mitsubishis, what do you guys say, wanna party?”
Jacqui smiled, and stuck out her tongue. 30 minutes later, they were rolling, Austin’s skin was tingling, sweat lined his brow, and he kept swallowing. Keanu had put some low house music on, and Jacqui came to perch on Austin’s lap, her hands caressing his face, wiping the sweat from his brow, as his hands moved down her body and under her skirt, just the touch of her skin made the blood rush to his cock, he pulled on her red curls with his other hand, telling her how she was the most beautiful girl in the world, how he loved her, as she giggled, and kissed his neck, her hand moving to his pants and finding the outline of his erection. Stroking it, she whispered, “Does that feel good baby?” Austin nodded, looking into her eyes, then looking up as Keanu joined them, his own hands settling over Jacqui’s neck. He winked at Austin.
“I think we’d be more comfortable in the bed room, eh?”
Jacqui stood up, taking Austin by the hand, they followed Keanu together into a dimly lit master bedroom, the walls were a light grey, and the bed was a dark metal, very modern, with black sheets, pillows, blankets. Shirt off, Keanu stalked to Austin, and put his bar arm around Austin’s shoulder, messaging his neck was they watched Jacqui undress. Keanu’s hands stroked the back of Austin’s neck, and he leaned into, groaning, he felt like Keanu fingers were drawing out all the negative energy in his body, in his brain, replacing it with golden light that was making his skin glow. Looking over at Keanu, it looked like his pale, white body was gleaming with an otherworldly iridescence.
“Keanu, fuck, I love you man, I think you’re my best friend.”
Keanu’s hands moved from Austin’s neck and snaked around his chest as his chin pushed into the top of Austin’s shoulder, a low chuckle on Austin’s ear as he pulled into him. 
“I think the e has kicked in… so, AB, ever been to a Hawaiian pig roast?” 
Austin turned to Keanu’s cheek, shaking his head.
“No? Well I’m gonna show you how to skewer a live one from both sides.” Keanu winked, and kissed Austin roughly on the cheek, thens stepping back towards the bed. Jacqui giggled as Keanu beckoned her to him, his long nose dipped down to nuzzle her bare heaving breasts. She wasn’t wearing a bra, just beige lacy panties, and her alabaster skin shone in the dim light. Completely uninhibited, Austin couldn’t get his clothes off soon enough. He watched with an open mouth was Keanu dipped down, slowly removing Jacqui’s underwear, then looking over at him as he unbuckled his belt, pulled down his pants to reveal his thick, stiff manhood, then jumping on the bed, scooting back towards the headboard and beckoning Jacqui to follow with his finger. She turned to look at Austin, smiling, her breasts bouncing as she climbed on the bed with Keanu. 
“Coming?” She giggled.
Austin’s long, blonde hair swayed as he nodded, watching as Jacqui’s ass lifted up in the air while she leaned down to suck Keanu’s cock. In that moment, Austin eagerly followed, watching as Keanu’s raven hair hit the bed frame when the actor leaned back, eyes squeezed shut, uncontrollably biting his lower lip as Jacqui’s head bobbed up and down on his length. Austin rested his hands over the roundness of Jacqui’s bottom, kissing her right cheek as his left hand took hold of the other.
“You sure this is ok with you?” His voice wavered, his blue eyes met Keanu’s as he grinned, pulling on the mess of curls above Jacqui’s head for her to pause.
“It ok with you if my friend there roasts you from the other end?”
Jacqui grinned, and turned her head over her shoulder. 
“Such a gentleman… hmmmhmmm… I think I can take it, big boy. Let me make you feel good.” Austin laughed, it was cliche, but high, every word was a sweet sensation and he went for it. Her skin was electric, and he bent his lips down below her cheeks to find her entrance, kissing at her lips, which he noted were waxed, bare, silky smooth, unlike Hannah’s wild mane, and his tongue sought out her clit easily between the soft, manicured folds, moving up and down as her body rocked with the rhythm of her mouth gliding up and down Keanu’s dick. The breathy sound of a feminine groan joined Keanu’s murmurs of “fuck” and “take it” and “oh my god this feels amazing….”  Austin moved one finger, and then another inside of Jacqui, messaging her open and searching for her pleasure point as his tongue flicked over her nub, smiling into her and pulling her ass up as he felt her twitch under him. It was not long before Jacqui cried out, and Austin was pulling his lips off her, and straddling her from behind, thrusting in and out of her pussy, slowly at first, the sensation heightened by the ecstasy, the excitement of the threesome, and the way her body and the bouncing mess of red hair conjured up his intense longing to be with Hannah again. 
Keanu looked at him over Jacqui’s writhing body between them, Austin’s lips puckered in an growl as he rolled in and out of her.
“Who ever whips his cream first has to pay for the pizza,” Keanu grinned, his eyes narrowing, and Austin chuckled, happy for the distraction because he was just on the edge, and Keanu’s conversation jarred his attention. He slowed down his pacing, and looked at Keanu, shaking his head.
“Man, you are crazy.” That night Keanu paid for the hooker, Austin paid for the pizza. But Polly Fleissman, the Hollywood Madam, would soon begin to get a steady stream of revenue for her services from Austin.
The next time Austin fucked Jacqui they were alone in a suite at the Chateau Marmont during what would become regular Thursday night consensual role playing sessions. Calling her Red, he would take out his frustrations with Hannah as he pummeled into the prostitute from behind, talking in a low, gravelly voice as he thrust into her, slapping her ass, pulling her shoulders, holding her head down into the pillow.
“Do you feel that? You fucking bitch. That’s how much I fucking love you… how could you do this to me. To us.” Austin groaned. The release as he came inside Jacqui was immediate. Addictive. And never fulfilling as it was with Hannah. Austin missed her brown eyes, innocently looking up at him, her voice teasing but her body and movements untrained, completely charming in how awkward or stilted she was. He missed that moment, with Hannah, when he could see her expression change, from being guarded to the moment she gave up her pretenses and opened up for him, her eyes filled with pure adoration. Austin couldn’t bare to look Jacqui in her eyes, at least not while her fucked her, especially with the degrading way he usually spoke to her.  Jacqui was not shy, and she never blushed when she undressed, making sounds of approval whether Austin railed her aggressively until the sound of him slapping into her cracked through the suite, or whether he licked her soft and tenderly.
He paid double to have her visit him on Thanksgiving, having her suck his dick, and then, for a change, Austin motioned for her to get on top. Was their rocking motion increased, he put his hands around her neck, lightly choking her, calling her a selfish bitch, and then ordering Jacqui to punch him and tell him what a bastard he was. 
“Tell me.” His right squeezed tighter around her neck, and his left hand pulling on her red curls and then tracing down her back to slap her ass, his biceps flexing as he grasped her up and down faster towards his chisled abdomen. “Tell me, tell me I am a spoiled, mediocre yuppie, a hack, a fraud, an empty vessel with no. creative. talent. TELL ME. Tell me you hate me!”
Jacqui’s face darkened, and then she repeated the list back to him in a condescending lilt, her performance somewhat contrived, a watered down rendition of a melodramatic scene from Dallas or Dynasty. Then she punched him, soundly smashing her right fist into his left eye socket and Austin came shortly after, groaning out like a man possessed being exorcized from his demons. As soon as he was sated, he was pushing her off him, looking ahead as he stalked off to the bathroom and dismissing Jacqui with a “You can go now,” without looking back. Sitting on the toilet, head in his hands, he wept and swore he was done with this. No more. But then the next Thursday, he would find himself back in his regular suite, fucking Jacqui into the wall from behind while he whispered all of Hannah’s character defects in her ear. 
Austin spent November and December distracting himself from his the gnawing need to find Hannah, throw her over his shoulder and head for a secluded cabin somewhere remote where he could have the space and quiet and solitude to make her understand that they could be happy and good and healthy together. They needed to be together He knew it would be different if he could just talk with her in person, but he felt guilty for the way he had acted when they broke up. The way he belittled her recovery. Her career. The way he threw his payment for her rehab in her face. The only person he trusted to talk about this stuff with was his sister, Ashley, and she convinced him to leave Hannah alone for a few months, give her some space to get back on her feet, and possibly forget the way he had  hurt her over the phone to retaliate for the way her decision had pierced him, seemingly coming out of nowhere, and to Austin, making no sense.
So, inside of kidnapping his ex girlfriend, Austin fucked a high-end prostitute that looked like Hannah and focused on work. He met with his agent Brett to look over scripts for his next project, finished up final voice over for Jagger and mapped out his promotion schedule for the film with his assistant, Alex.  Humoring Min, Austin went out to several parties and events with dates she arranged for him, taking Halle Berry to the premiere of Cape Fear, Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford’s wedding, and planning to take her to the premiere of their film the week before it was released nationwide on Christmas.
Alex was also under a strict Hannah assignment to update Austin on her whereabouts, to the extent that he was able to. Sometimes, late at night, relaxed driving home from a meeting at the Chateau, Austin would drive by the trailer park at Point Dume, circle around the nearby grocery stores and coffee shops on the off chance that he might catch a glimpse of Hannah from afar, but he never did. So, he bided his time, checking in with Alex daily for any news.
December 26, 1991
Westwood Beach, Malibu, CA
Tide was out, and the slow rhythm of the small waves lapped up Hannah’s shins, leaving her legs cool and wet and sinking into the sand below them. She sat at the shore, hands under her thighs, looking out at the infinite expanse of the sea. The waves grew in size, and she sat there, waiting for one large enough to knock her down so her head was under the water, the salt water enveloping her. She willed the waves to wash her away into the night, staying under water until she couldn’t take it anymore, before finally jumping up and screaming at the moon. As a teenager, she would sneak down here at night to smoke pot, fantasizing that the golden reflection of the moon on the silvery waves was a faery path that would take her up into the sky, away from the dismal mortal life she inhabited on earth. Back then, the worst thing in her life was AP Bio and her unrequited crush on Rick Schlessinger, the object of much angst-ridden poetry written while sitting on the beach, smoking cloves and summoning all the pain her sixteen year old self could muster. That seemed like a cake walk compared to today. 
She had quit smoking when she got home, Avi hated it. Her father was a quiet man, when he wasn’t working as a sound editor in town, she would find him on the sofa in their small trailer overlooking the bluffs, reading science fiction next to a pot of tea and a stack of chocolate dipped biscuits. However, he did turn to her two days after she moved in and explain that he would rather see her doing heroin again than smoking cigarettes. Hurt, indignant, but also humbled by the very real need to save her money and live back at home, Hannah kept her mouth shut and quit smoking. Avi’s quiet British sarcasm was all it took. Apart from that, they got along, and her father reverted to his den mothering ways, cooking dinner most nights and queuing up classic movies on the VCR for them to watch and analyze as they ate. Their love language was film criticism, it was the main vehicle for most of their meaningful conversations. 
Hannah spent her days pounding the pavement, and looking for work. She visited some of her friends from college, reached out to a few directors she had worked with, saw her uncle Abe, the executive at Paramount, and the reoccurring feedback she got was  to lay low for a few months, let the tabloid story recede, and then she would get some traction. In the meantime, she found a job in Vancouver, a Canadian friend from college had started a company editing for the new booming television industry up there that took advantage of those sweet sweet Canuck media tax breaks. She was set to leave for Vancouver in three days.
Hannah had flown up to Vancouver in early November, got the job, and started making her arrangements to leave. Then, a week later, she noticed that her breasts were more sensitive than usual, and gasped when she realized she hadn’t had her period in a while. Like, a while a while. Hannah was not one for tracking her cycle, she didn’t keep a calendar, she was on the pill so she didn’t worry too much. But the minute the thought crossed her mind she knew, she knew before she drove to the drug store and bought the test. She knew before she handed the test to Robin a waited for her friend to read her the result. She knew because she hadn’t bought tampons since she got home from rehab. According to her gynecologist, she was eight weeks pregnant when she found out in mid-November. Since then, Hannah had been in a holding pattern, avoiding dealing with this new reality in any meaningful way. Her sponsor had lectured her to tell Austin, no matter what her decision was, she was supposed to be living a new, honest life, and she shouldn’t try to manage his emotions or reality by keeping it from him. But she couldn’t bare to call him. The OB went over her choices with her, it was 1991, not 1961, but cautioning her that she really needed to make her decision before the end of her third trimester. Just like she had known she was pregnant, Hannah had already known what her decision was. 
“So,” Robin asked, at brunch with Hannah and their other friend, Sarah the Sunday before Thanksgiving. “ I thought you were pro-choice… we just signed up to campaign for Bill Clinton….”
Theoretically, Hannah had always thought that if she got pregnant before she was ready, or not in a committed relationship, she would just have an abortion. But theory didn’t take into account how she actually felt when it actually happened in actual real life. What Hannah really wanted was a time machine to go back and not get pregnant at all. She knew she couldn’t go through with an abortion, and but she was terrified of having a baby. 
“I am pro-choice. Emphasis on choice, Robin. Fuck…. You know I promised Avi when I was 15…”
Robin gasped.
“What do you mean you promised your dad when you were 15? That you would never have an abortion?”
Hannah nodded. “Yeah, it was the only sex talk we ever had. Driving a long PCH one day, he turned to me and told me if I ever got pregnant, he would raise the baby. I guess Georgie had two secret abortions when she was a teenager. The women in my family ….we are pretty fertile, I guess… I managed to somehow get knocked up on birth control…”
Robin shivered.
“Anyway,” Hannah continued. “My mom didn’t tell him until years later. She always regretted it. He always regretted it. Also, apparently a psychic once told my father she saw more children in his future…”
Sarah chimed in, “Well of course we’ll support—”
“Wait, you feel like because some psychic told your father —” Sarah slapped Robin. “I mean, yes, of course we will support you. And if you want to keep working, well, Austin just gonna have to shell out some of that movie star money for a nanny…”
Hannah sighed, picking apart the paper straw wrapper on the table. “I don’t know if that is exactly the approach I want to take when I tell him… I don’t want him to think I’m using this to get something from him… I need to be able to support myself, no matter what. I mean, obviously I need to tell him…”
But she hadn’t, and now she was at 14 weeks, and moving to Canada for work. In three days. But it was only for four months on a new TV series based on the Highlander movie. So, in theory, she could go work this job, come back at seven months pregnant and then have the baby here in LA. Maybe even pick up another job before the baby came. How hard could it be, she was already sitting down all day anyway? And what about after that? Where is your theory then? Fuck fuck fuck a duck.
“Stop being a pussy and just bite the bullet.” She said out loud. “Just call Austin.” 
Wet and shivering in the cold (for California) January air, Hannah felt the nervousness in her chest tingle and move to the top of her shoulders. “I’ll do it tomorrow.”
Walking back up the hill from the beach to Avi’s mobile home, Hannah looked down at her waist, her swimsuit under an oversized Les Mis shirt Austin bought her in London. She didn’t really look pregnant yet, the bottom of her belly hadn’t started to bend upward and expand. Her ankles looked thicker, but if you didn’t look at them every day, you probably wouldn’t know.
The longer Hannah put off calling Austin, the more awkward the prospect came, and she found herself flying off to Vancouver without calling him.
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