#but also it can be a me problem since I lack self-esteem and everything feels like a personal attack

[aimless-passerby]

Is it ok that I disliked first therapy session? 😥

It felt like I was disregarded in some way. Also I had to mention lgbt topic because there is no neutral way to talk about yourself on russian. And it's kind of scary.

[starbylers]

Mike’s lack of personal journey in a Mlvn reading of the show: why so many people complain about Mike’s character

Something just occurred to me…I actually would challenge any Mlvn to tell me about a character motivation/internal conflict of Mike’s that does not revolve around El. What struggles does Mike as a person deal with throughout the series? When trying to build an effective, realistic, well-rounded character you can’t have their biggest fear be ‘loosing this particular person’ as Mlvns love to claim is Mike’s. As a writer you have to understand your character’s deepest desires and what drives them at their core, they cannot be purely motivated by an external force. A character such as that will feel hollow, boring and difficult to connect with. This is basic character development stuff.

Examples (simplified to get the point across):

For the whole show, El struggles with finding her place in a world where she feels fundamentally different

For most of the show, Will struggles with his sexuality and feeling like a ‘mistake’

Dustin in s2 deals with his self-esteem and understanding that he is good enough even if he doesn’t have a girl’s approval

Lucas in s4 wrestles with a desire to be popular and to ‘fit in’ which we see him overcome

Max in s4 deals with depression and the process of wishing to no longer be here to realising she actually wants to live

But…what about Mike? A brief Mlvn interpretation of everything he does through the show and why he does it:

S1: he saves and looks after El because he fell in love with her. He also looks for his friend Will.

S2: he is heartbroken because El is not with him anymore, and then madly in love again once she’s back.

S3: he has ups and downs with El because teen relationships are just like that, and then they get back together because they’re truly in love. He’s also too in love with his girlfriend to care about his old interests.

S4: he fights with El because all couples fight, and then rescues her from Nina while taking friendly advice from Will. Finally he confesses his love, which he didn’t do before because he’s terrified to lose her oh and he’s not good at feelings (but they won’t digger any deeper into that last one 🤐).

Like…yeah they acknowledge Mike also helps with the supernatural stuff, he’s smart and observant. He generally takes charge of the group and looks out for his friends, and (at least in earlier seasons) he’s the leader. But those are character traits. Everyone has them. (Max is sarcastic and kinda scary when she needs to be, Dustin can be cocky but is highly intelligent, Lucas is very headstrong and follows his own judgement, Will is sensitive and empathetic). I’m talking about character conflicts/journeys. Can they tell us what journey Mike has gone on as his own person???

And this, this is why lots and lots of people complain that Mike’s character revolves around El (especially since they started dating). This is why people say Mike is the Duffer’s self-insert and is just meant to be a blank slate relatable character. This is why Mlvns characterise him as El’s obsessed loser boyfriend. Because if you view the show through a Mlvn lens then yeah, Mike looks utterly two-dimensional with no drive other than screeching El El El when she’s in danger (sorry it had to be said).

The problem is when you try to dig into what Mike’s deeper motivations could possibly be, it gets very bad for Mlvn very fast:

‘Mike is scared to lose El because he’s worried she won’t need him’

Let’s detach El from that and figure out the root of this problem, what is really going on with Mike here (we already know but just for the sake of my point), because he is a character in his own right and this was a large focus of his story last season.

What do we know? Mike expressed feelings of worthlessness (‘I’m just some random nerd...’) and feelings of inferiority (…‘who got lucky superman landed on his doorstep’) in his relationship. He acknowledges that his and El’s relationship was fundamentally built on her just needing someone. Also, throughout the series we see Mike has a strong desire to help and serve and save those close to him, it’s who he is.

Mike is so clearly driven by a need to feel needed and fears being an unimportant nobody. He doesn’t think he’s special or useful next to El and it hurts him, his self-esteem is very, very low. But Mlvns never acknowledge that, because that would require admitting that a) Will’s words in the van showed he recognises & loves the Mike as the brave and inspiring leader he wants to be, and in doing so soothed Mike’s personal insecurities (because those do exist, and the talk wasn’t just ‘relationship advice’) and b) Mlvn’s relationship makes Mike feel shitty.

Another example:

Common Mlvn interpretation: ‘Mike was spending all his time with El in s3 because he’s in love with her and he is growing out of childish games’

What do we know? (1) Mike didn’t truly loose interest in DnD, he just neglected his interests when he got into a relationship, super healthy (2) He tries to act cool around El (‘Sorry that made me sound like a 7 year old’ / feigning disinterest in Dustin’s inventions) (3) When arguing with Will, Mike frames him getting a girlfriend as being the inevitable progression of life, the opposing choice from ‘sitting in his basement playing games’…but then he joins Hellfire in s4…as soon as El leaves. He didn’t truly believe anything he was saying to Will, he just can’t juggle being himself and having a gf simultaneously 😬.

Mike’s internal conflict here is clearly feeling like he has to grow up, and has to suppress his true identity in the name of achieving that. (And this continues somewhat into s4 with the fake, not-at-all-his-style Cali outfit in El’s fav colours). But again, understanding that requires understanding that Mlvn as a couple is not a safe space for Mike to be himself, and what Mlvns characterise as a normal teenage ups and downs is actually indicative of an unhealthy relationship.

Basically what I’m saying is it makes so, so much sense why Mike is one of the most disliked characters among the GA (aside from like the actual villains) and why he always ends up on those stupid lists. People are sick of him existing just to be El’s love interest. And that is not true in the slightest, but when you aren’t looking deeper than Mlvn…yeah it does look pretty bad, and I understand where they’re coming from. And as much as we say El is the one who Mlvns are obsessed with making everything about her boyfriend, the real victim of this treatment from them is Mike. Even his heart-to-hearts with Will are actually Mike thinking about El, apparently.

This is another reason why I’m so sure about Byler because Mike is essentially the original main character (aside from El I guess). I’m sorry but there’s no way he is the only one the writers managed to mess up this badly when they are capable of adding deeper personal development to characters who are much less central to the story. Even Finn himself said we’ve not been as personal with Mike recently but s5 will remedy that and people will be happy with his journey. The day Mlvns and GA are forced to look deeper at Mike’s personal internal conflict outside of how it relates to El is the day I will know peace 🙏🏽

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello MBTI Notes . I hope you are doing well . I really enjoy the Blog you provided us with . It's really a gift . Thank you very much .

I am an INTP and still feel maladaptive and I really have some few problems I need to explain if you could help me with them . I will be really thankful . I have Seen that you ask your audience the purpose of their Questions .

My purpose for asking is the following : To understand myself better and also Improve myself and be self-actualized as I progress through Stages of ego development and cognitive function Mastery .

My Questions are the following :

Question #1 : How can I overcome the obsession that I have for the perfect way of starting my self-development Journey and what is wrong with starting now and every moment I feel so rather than obsess over starting the next morning fresh ? - I mean what do I need to do to internalize the shift in my mindset that this is how it should be done rather than gather information and organize them and create a framework for how to work and not do the actual work but just '' seem to do '' and plan rather than do the effective work .

I am aware that I generate activities to avoid doing the actual work by citing the importance of waking up early , having the right plan , right mental models and many more excuses for postponing but it feels like an addiction and I don't know how to break the pattern . How can I understand it better , is it just Underdeveloped Ne and weak Si due to more brainstorming ideas but difficulty implementing ?

Question #2 : When I have a mental model to work with , let's say , Maslow's hierarchy of needs , or The DEAL In 4 Hour work week to grow and Improve my Life and uplift myself using this mental models as they would help me grow through how loosely they become frameworks from which I could invite goals from different branches like Improve My Introverted thinking or Build a YouTube Channel about Conscious Politics , I have to somehow go on to Reddit to look for validation . Ask differently to get validation from different people but never experiment and derive the answer or Just find out and stop needing people excessively . Is this some sort of Fe grip ? -- Can I know how to undo it through cognitive function Improvement and what I would be aiming for to end it ?

Question #3 : My Third Question is more like why I am as an INTP and many others I met passive and apathetic and can't seem to find an ambition that drives us restless and hungry . I have been excited at times about specific ambitions but this seems to have dissolved when I reached 26 years . I definitely have introspected on more and more and had some answers like the following : Eliminate escapism language , put myself in no return environment like a different city where I am far from home and there is a prospect of being fired from apartment from a landlord , act before I am ready and other behaviors that would create the urgency to make it . But again , I lack self-trust In my answers ? - I don't trust myself much this days . I want to be ambitious because of the energy and burning desire to make it through different stages of my life improvement but passivity seems to be the overwhelming energy . Maybe because since the last 5 Years , I lost my father who I was doing more studying to impress , Lockdown lowered myself esteem through media and fear , Getting sick with terbocolusis . How to have a breakthrough from this ?

Notes : Sorry for all this questions , I would be really appreciative if you help me through them . Thanks for everything you do .

----------------------

I worked as a teacher for many years, so sometimes I can't help but look at situations from that perspective. To me, you sound like a student who is good at following instructions (and can thus get a good grade) but ultimately doesn't understand the purpose of the assignment (and thus hasn't really learned the lesson). Such students are good at reciting nice sounding words they heard from teacher but aren't yet capable of independent thought, which might explain why you depend on others to validate you. Even though you stated your purpose explicitly, there is something about it that doesn't quite ring true, as though the string of fancy words is masking an underlying issue. If the underlying issue is a mystery because you're not fully aware of it, there's not much I can do but speculate as to what it might be.

I often say that self-improvement must be motivated by a genuinely positive intention if one hopes to get truly positive results. Unfortunately, when people lack self-awareness, they aren't aware that their intention is actually negative, but they can convince themselves that it's positive nonetheless. Generally speaking, a negative intention unconsciously attempts to cover up a deeper psychological issue, usually because it would be too difficult/painful to examine it directly. In proceeding with a negative intention, attempts at self-improvement remain superficial at best, only ever addressing symptoms but never able to touch deeper root causes. This is a common pitfall of self-help methods. Addressing symptoms can of course bring some emotional relief or minor life progress, but it doesn't produce lasting psychological change or spiritual transformation of the sort you seem to be seeking.

Although you asked three questions, they seem related and all tied back to the same mysterious underlying issue. I believe the major clue comes in the third question about apathy. It's possible that your intention is actually negative because you're really just seeking to fill a void of emptiness within. If that's the case, even if you're able to reach all the goals you've set, you'll still feel inexplicably unfulfilled, because the goals haven't addressed the root problem.

A common manifestation of unhealthy Fe is being devoid of feeling inside, which can lead a person to seek sources of feeling from the outside world, in vain attempts to fill the void. The void is like a black hole, bottomless, so trying to fill it is a never-ending task. It can even turn into a sort of addiction that has to be fed regularly. In INTPs this addiction is usually fed through Ne via constant novelty-seeking or through Ti+Ne via constantly seeking out some new horizon to conquer. Unfortunately, novelty always wears off and then it's off to find something else for the void to consume.

How does one get out of this addictive pattern? Ideally, the first step is to confront the problem of emptiness directly, to understand it and find the right ways of resolving it. I don't know your history, so I can't tell you all the reasons for why you feel empty, how it originated, or how it evolved over time. It's something you need to reflect on.

The most I can say about it only relates to functional stack dynamics, so whether the following is true in your particular case is for you to decide. Being disconnected from Fe means that one lives in a state of emotional disconnection from the world. This existential state of disconnection creates emotional emptiness, which can manifest as boredom, indifference, or apathy. Related to your first two questions, the goals you set for yourself seem to exacerbate the disconnect rather than heal it. Your attempts at self-improvement can be self-sabotaging if, unconsciously, your intention isn't actually to grow but rather to cover up the problem of disconnection.

The way to heal emotional disconnection is to actively form emotional connections. You can change your physical environment all you want, but as long as you have no real emotional connection to it, you'll continue to feel empty. This would be an example of knowing how to follow instructions but not really grasping the lesson.

In essence, you have to make the choice to care and take responsibility for things other than yourself, things out in the real world. E.g.: How much do you care about what is outside of yourself? Do you live your life in a way where your existence matters to more than just you? Do you make any difference in other people's lives? Do you take on duties or get involved with causes that would allow you to offer the best of yourself to support and enhance a greater good? Do you value something more than your own personal gain? Do you nurture an appreciative and loving attitude toward all the objects and people surrounding you?

Working on Ti doesn't accomplish much as long as your knowledge and skills aren't being put to good use. Building a youtube channel where you talk to no one in particular doesn't accomplish much as long as you continue to shield yourself from any real entanglements or consequences. For some people, getting their life in order is the challenge they need to progress and grow. But for others, imposing order on life is a way to avoid the messiness of actually living a life (one of the temptations of Ti-Si loop). Perhaps the activities you have chosen keep the world existing as a mere abstraction or always at a comfortable distance, either way, the result is you remain emotionally disconnected from it.

To be connected to the world means being a full part of it. You can't just dip your toe in the water here and there, whenever it suits your mood, always safely in control, always free to walk away to something else. At some point, you have to dive into the sea, sink or swim on your own, immerse yourself completely and risk getting swept away by the tides. You claim to have done something like this through your "no return" scenarios, but it's possible those scenarios are well within your ability to manage and don't produce any significant stakes. The challenges you've set up are good personal challenges to conquer for learning some practical life skills, but they somehow conveniently leave the problem of Fe emotional disconnection untouched.

Eventually, most personality issues go back to auxiliary development. As mentioned, seeking out novelty or challenge as a means of filling an emotional void is a misuse of Ne. You mention "ambition" but Ne is more about aspiration - the two aren't the same. You aim for things you define as "higher" but they aren't anything greater in terms of grand vision. Ne requires investment of blood, sweat, and tears in an aspirational attempt to create great positive changes in the world around you.

Perhaps you focus too much on yourself, i.e., your feelings, your journey, your methods, your models, your goals, your race to prove you can reach some imaginary finish line (that would help cover up low self-esteem), etc etc. All that inward attention without the outward connections to balance it just maintains and worsens disconnection, doesn't it? But why is your attention so misplaced? Why do you get so caught up in nitpicking the details of what you should be doing? Well, sowing doubt and hesitation is a good way to forestall the scariest aspects of Ne+Fe development, isn't it? It seems your idea of what makes a good life is too small or narrow. I'm speaking of putting yourself FULLY out there in the world, committing to something important and risking all of your feelings and emotions in the process, i.e., what it takes to live a full life. Keep finding "reasons" to hold back from living and you'll eventually feel stuck in place.

[toomanyplotbunnies-sendhelp]

Hello and welcome to (the true) Day 14 of "Let's Explore My Plot Bunnies"

Today, my brain decided to be very... resourceful, for the lack of a less polite word, and remake the Cat!Shen Jiu fic from *checks notes* Day 4. Only now, instead of Shen Jiu being the one transformed into a cat, it's Liu Qingge.

The current title for this is "Paw Prints in Your Heart," and I do intend to make it a LiuJiu fic.

The premise is quite simple:

Liu Qingge was injured in his latest mission. He falls unconscious at the base of Cang Qiong Mountain, and, unbeknownst to him, his body turns into that of a cat. Shen Qingqiu is the one that finds the injured tuxedo cat and takes him (he did check; it is a boy) back to Qing Jing Peak for treatment.

When Liu Qingge wakes up, not only does he find himself to be a cat, but also he finds himself in the care of the (surprisingly gentle) person he hates, Shen Qingqiu.

Now, imagine: Cat!Liu Qingge has to stay around the Qing Jing Peak because his paw has a bad injury and ends up being in the same room as Shen Qingqiu and Yue Qingyuan have their (admitedly one-sided) argument of the day. And after Yue Qingyuan leaves, Shen Qingqiu, feeling the anger rising, decides to vent to the only creature here that will listen to him and not interrupt - cat!Liu Qingge. So, Shen Qingqiu speaks (read: vents) about his past, about Yue Qingyuan, about all the other Peak Lords, about everything that he can really vent about.

Needless to say, Liu Qingge has a ton of things to think about now with all these revelations.

Then there is the monthly Peak Lord Meeting... at which Liu Qingge is missing. Most of the other Peak Lords don't really find a problem with this as it is well known that Liu Qingge loves to hunt monsters so "he is most likely doing just that" is what they argue. Shen Qingqiu, on the other hand, finds it weird since, as much as that brute annoys him, Liu Qingge doesn't miss the Peak Lords Meeting without announcing beforehand.

And so, Shen Qingqiu starts a one man (and one cat) search party for that idiot brutish shidi of his. Their first destination? The Red Warm Pavillion. If there is anyone who knows where esteemed cultivators can be found based on rumors, it is the Madame of the Pavillion - who is also the most trustworthy source of information Shen Qingqiu can find.

Some details to note:

I feel OG!Shen Qingqiu would prefer cats to dogs, mostly because as an orphan on the streets dogs would fight with you for food (looks at Wei Wuxian), while cats - especially in cold/rainy days - would snuggle with you. Not because they like you, but because they like the body heat you can provide for them.

Cat!Liu Qingge definitely gives Shen Qingqiu a lot of snuggles after he vents to him. Both as an apology and as comfort.

Shen Qingqiu tried to talk with the other Peak Lords about how strange it is for Liu Qingge - of all people - to dissappear without a trace or a letter. The other Peak Lords, unfortunately, ignored him. This is why he takes it in his own hands to find Liu Qingge.

Liu Qingge feels a lot of guilt after he learns more about Shen Qingqiu and about the reasons behind most of his actions. He vows to treat him better once he is back to his human self.

This could either take place before Luo Binghe is on Qing Jing Peak or after - like the first 2 weeks after he was admitted. Either way, the kiddo is chugging vinegar - first because his Shizun likes the cat better than him; second, because by the time Luo Binghe arrives at the sect, Shen Qingqiu has a boyfriend.

So what do you think? Good? Bad? Brain has been on crack for far too long? Let me know!

Honestly, this idea just came to me today - probably 2 hours before I post this, actually. The better way to explain the plot would be "Shen Qingqiu vents to his newly acquired cat about his entire life, without knowing that said cat is actually his shidi, Liu Qingge, whom he doesn't like". There is something special about the whole "venting to an animal that is actually a human cursed/transformed into an animal" trope I see in fics. It's soo damn cute and agsty at the same time. I love it so much.

But enough rambling from me. I hope you have a great day/night and that you take care of yourselves!

See you tomorrow,

-TooManyPlotBunnies-Send Help

[ink-flavored]

Reworking Pride

BTS Series: ⬅ Table of Contents - Reworking Justice ➡ Also available on Neocities! P&J Taglist (Check out my Google form to get added): @elegant-paper-collection @auroblaze @zeenimf @vacantgodling @foxys-fantasy-tales Banner art by @auroblaze

The first thing I decided needed a rework was, no surprise, the protagonist. Pride would need to change significantly, and not just for the obvious reasons. I needed to have a different visual for him so I could more easily create a separate personality and motivation from scratch, instead of constantly associating him with his alternate fanfiction self. I can’t draw, so I went onto this Picrew and threw together an initial appearance I could work off of.

I wanted to keep some of the punk elements like piercings and alternative dress, both as a kind of homage and to put a big neon sign over his head that reads HAS PROBLEMS WITH AUTHORITY. Same thing with the eyeliner—explicitly not conforming to gender norms, both signaling a problem with authority and implied queerness, which is intentional. The goatee was for fun, since “haha goats and Satan,” but I liked it so much I kept it. I did decide to make him white, instead of Japanese like his fanfiction counterpart, which is a change I did make with a purpose (I’ll get into it). The horns and tail being the classic cartoon devil were the only options available. It wasn’t the look I was going for with the story, but I added them anyway because they were cute.

One big deviation I decided on right away was that this isn’t going to be a stolen body, for Pride or Justice. Their appearances are what they look like, all the time, and Pride will ferry the soul for his contract without hijacking their appearance. I actually changed the way the whole contract thing works, too, but that’s a story for another post.

From here, I began brainstorming his personality. The fanfiction Pride & Justice was very short, so there wasn’t a whole lot of room for character development or action. In fact, Pride has a static character arc through the whole story. The only thing that changes by the end is him admitting that he’s scared to go back to Hell, and the rest of his personality remains exactly the same. That isn’t going to fly as an original character in a longer story.

In this new story, Pride as a character needs to be a shithead, for lack of better description. Not only is he a demon, he’s the embodiment of hubris, self-importance, and the root of all sin. He needs to be loud, obnoxious, arrogant, and outraged, if not violent, when he doesn’t get his way. Paradoxically, he also desperately needs people to like him. It’s well-documented that people with healthy relationships with their pride don’t do the grandiose “look at me, I’m so special” thing—their pride is self-evident, and exudes naturally. The people who do act incredibly shitty like this are compensating for a low self-esteem, declaring that they’re the best, that everything they do is the best, and that everyone should like them for being so obviously the best. This, of course, turns potential friends and companions away, and sends them further down into their spiral.

I took a great deal of (mostly tongue-in-cheek) inspiration from a Tweet by Sarah Hagi (that I can unfortunately not find the link to): “God, give me the confidence of a mediocre white dude.” I want Pride to be a critique of that guy you know, the one who acts like he’s the best thing since sliced bread, but isn’t really as great as he claims, and deep down he knows it. He hurts people to boost himself up, using his position of power over others to make himself feel more secure. Sure, he’s had pain, maybe even trauma, but he doesn’t want you to know that. It would be weak, in his mind, to admit that he has wounds so deep he can’t even look himself in the mirror.

So, as my protagonist, Pride needs to be fundamentally self-absorbed, taking pleasure in the pain of others, because he’s compensating for and masking a very deep emotional pain. I don’t want to be so black-and-white as to make the entire concept of “having pride” a strict evil, so over the course of the story I want to develop him into a healthier version of it. This would give him a very fulfilling arc—he begins the story as the negative expression of pride, hubris and self-importance and viciousness, and ends on the positive end of the spectrum, with genuine self-respect and confidence without needing to harm others. That’s a whole dang character with flaws and potential for growth if I do say so myself!

Obviously, I wasn’t quite done. Pride needed a pain to endure, something that would turn him into the vindictive little asshole we see before us. What better pain for a demon to have, what better way to turn them bitter against all of humanity and virtue, than to be cast out of Heaven by God for questioning His authority? Not only is Pride a demon, he’s one of the fallen angels who rebelled with Lucifer when he fell from Heaven.

My wonderful girlfriend, AuroBlaze, helped me solidify Pride’s appearance so I wouldn’t have to use the Picrew forever. The idea of him having the blond roots of his hair exposed was played as a joke, at first, because how funny would it be for him to always look like he had a shitty hair-dye job? But while we were talking, I realized it could be a brilliant metaphor for the very shoddy mask he wears to hide his aforementioned bitterness and trauma—especially if those exposed roots are the color his hair used to be as an angel, that won’t stay covered up, no matter how hard he tries.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The blond roots are still the color his hair was as an angel, but the reason they stick around is because it's essentially a magical scar. His dark hair stops right where it meets his horns, his broken halo. His former-holiness is burned into him, and can't be transformed or dyed away.

While we were discussing what I actually wanted his horns to look like, I solved a few world-building birds with one stone. The demons in this story, instead of just being goth angels, have their wings cut off by the other angels when they fall. Their halos are cracked in two, jammed into their heads, and become their horns, eternally smoking with once-holy fire. They grow tails from the trails of fire they leave as they fall to Hell, like the trail of a comet. They have several permanent reminders of the grace they lost.

Lo and behold, we have our final design:

[Tumblr version] [Instagram version]

Welcome to the world, Pride! You are a menace to society and will cause so much distress to everyone around you.

A few other details that I want to mention before we go: All demons have a secondary beast form they can transform into, either fully or partially (i.e. Pride can summon one monster arm if he wants). Compare this to angels having a human form and a “flaming wheel of eyes and fire” form. His horns and tail are also optional in this way—he can hide them from humans entirely if he wants. I won’t get deep into his powers or how this story’s version of magic works, but there’s a good chance I’ll make a separate post about it later.

EDITOR’S NOTE: You can see his beast form here, also drawn by AuroBlaze!

Also, for those of you waiting with bated breath for this: Pride will be explicitly bisexual in this book. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to bring it up yet, but I am very excited to populate this story with a lot of queer and trans characters, so it’ll be a topic at some point for sure.

On that note, there’s an internal war waging within me about whether or not I should make Pride trans. I’ve been on the fence about it for a while. Since he’s a multi-dimensional immortal creature who chose every detail of his body to his exact specifications, he wouldn’t need top surgery, hormones, or anything like that. It would just be the lower half that’s the contested zone. Normally, that wouldn’t be a big deal, but this story is a romance and there will be sex in it. So it’s unusually pressing!

The arguments against? I don’t want to perpetuate any harmful assumptions by making a trans character literally on the side of the devil. I already have more than a few trans side characters in the story, but I still don’t want to make any unfortunate comparisons in today’s landscape. There’s the whole “indoctrination” thing, tempting others to sin is a big part of his personal magic arsenal, don’t need to make too many jumps to get disingenuous there. There’s also the matter of my intended commentary—the “mediocre white man” stuff. While being trans wouldn’t make him less of a man, obviously, the kind of behavior I’m trying to critique is seen most often in cis white men. They use toxic masculinity as a shield because they’ve been told all their lives they aren’t allowed to show “weakness” in the form of emotional vulnerability, and hurting others is how they feel strong—like a “real man”—in the face of their pain. I don’t want to mess with the foundations of that critique, risk muddying it, or accidentally send a completely different message than I intended with such a delicate subject.

The arguments for are more self-indulgent. I am a huge fan of adding things to a story just because you like them, and something about Pride screams TRANS! at me. Trans men aren’t seen often in media, especially trans men who are visibly, vocally, and proudly gender non-conforming, and that representation is personally important to me. Also, trans men who don’t feel the need to get surgery are plenty scarce in the media landscape, which is again important to me personally. Beyond my personal investment, the metaphors I could play with regarding transness and fallen angels, and how toxic American Evangelical Christianity is to queer identities would tie in with a lot of other themes in the book. For any other story, that alone would be enough for me to shrug and make the change, but still I hesitate. Thoughts? Feelings? Advice? I’d love to hear it.

EDITOR’S NOTE: In the time since I wrote this post, I did decide to make Pride canonically a trans man. Once I started viewing him as trans, I couldn’t un-see it, and it became an inextricable part of him as a character. I do plan on tying in all of the above-mentioned metaphors into his character, and more. One of Pride’s arcs in the book is about his self-discovery—about becoming someone he actually wants to be, not tied down to anyone’s opinion of him, and growing into a person who doesn’t need to identify himself with his past trauma. It moves him so powerfully, he genuinely wants to be a human by the end of the book, something he once reviled because of how they stole God’s love from him. I think the growth, metaphor, and representation all come together to be more important than the “mediocre white man” thing, or any possible bad-faith readings of a trans character (which the inevitable dipshits will do no matter what).

WHEW, this one was a doozy. I guess I was really excited to introduce this story officially! Thanks for reading this ramble all the way to the end. And as always, thank you for your continued support!

See you next time for more Behind The Scenes action!

— Annika

[ukigumos]

UKIGUMOS - »❝浮雲❞«

Hibari Kyouya's Behaviour - A possible case of CPTSD?

Is this me projecting? Mayhaps. But I've been thinking of writing Hibari within the context of him having CPTSD. Why? He has a lot of traits that line up with the symptoms, and as a haver of CPTSD myself, I think that's why Hibari has been a muse I've written for more than half my life. He was familiar.

Hypervigilance - Constantly on guard. Kyouya is quick to pick up on potential threats. First thought that comes to mind is when he spots Daemon Spade in the bushes.

He's sensitive to sound, even a single leaf can wake him up. He hates crowding, it's probably overstimulating to him. Has issues with impulse, first instinct and solution to solving problems is to destroy them.

Lack of trust and crippling counter-dependency - He refuses help. He turns it down fast. He's eager to do everything on his own. It's like he's the only person he can rely on.

Avoiding reminders of events - He starts avoiding cherry blossoms after his fight with Mukuro. But since CPTSD is formed from prolonged exposure to inescapable trauma, this might just be a one off case.

Impaired memory/dissociation - Could be a stretch, but he says he can't remember his age. He seems to have selective memory of things.

Emotional dysregulation - Comes across emotionally unpredictable.

Shame and guilt - Feelings of shame, guilt and low-self esteem are also pretty big parts of CPTSD. He likely feels a lot of shame for being 'weak' and unable to protect himself. He is so bad at asking for / receiving help. He's counter-dependent to the core.

Perhaps 'discipline' was drilled into him since a young age (seems canon when you consider his kindergarten photo) and that's also something that causes guilt which in turn makes him very anal about it.

Safe spot - I think he finds safety at school and that is partially why he's so obsessed with it. It makes me think that he had a not-so-good household that he grew up in which made him have to fend for himself since a very young age

Just some food for thought. The best treatment for CPTSD is a strong support network and to 'feel safe' so that does make me think of a wishlist of threads of Hibari learning to put down the walls and relax. I think he needs someone he can lean against and genuinely trust.

[bewitcherella]

Hello 😊 I saw you're doing astrology readings. I don't have a specific question so I'm open to anything you read on my chart that you find interesting and want to share with me, please. Thank you for your time 💕

Hey!! Sorry this took so long, and I'm really grateful for your patience <3

Cancer ascendant: Your outlook on life, and your chart ruler. Your chart ruler is the moon. You are more susceptible to moon transits, full/new moons, lunar eclipses, etc. You may be very sensitive to those around you and have difficulty separating your emotions from others. You can have trouble letting go of the past, and revel in it often. Letting go is often a lesson for cancers to understand (any placement). Especially since I believe you have your ascension opposite the moon in Capricorn. Definitely adds to your emotional and sensitive side. Sharing your feelings with those closest to you will allow you to connect more deeply. You're very generous, intuitive, and empathetic. Family, the home, and emotional security are of great value to you. Remember to give back to yourself just as much as you give to yourself!

Moon in the 7th house of Capricorn: Moon in Capricorn is generally associated with recognition, control, and material/career success. Lack of recognition or self-esteem can delay these career/material successes. You need to feel in control and comfortable with those closest to you and with your emotions. Others will never be able to tell that you are suffering from a moment of self-doubt, frustration, or inadequacy because your aura is powerful. You give off "mommy" and "daddy" vibes even when you yourself don't feel like you're channeling that energy. With your ascendant being ruled by the moon, and the moon being in Capricorn you may be pulled back into repeating patterns until you evolve into the next stage. Especially because the moon moves in regular cycles. You may also experience periods of depression. There could have been difficulties with the father or father figures/authority figures. Remember that you are adequate and that you can create emotional self-sufficiency despite the lack of emotional support you may have received. Do not carry everyone else's burdens, and accept help from others when it is offered: you never have to do everything alone. You may experience karmic relationships with the moon in the 7th house here, and your lesson could be to relate to others; acknowledge your own feelings as well as others. You will use your relationships to test your beliefs. The best lesson is to be open, honest, and trusting. Learning to express and share your feelings/emotions will bring you joy as well as help you with the ability to trust others/be truly intimate.

IMPORTANT ASPECTS:

Moon Square Saturn: Can cause loneliness, relationship problems, or a feeling of social awkwardness. In the 10th house of career, this could be with co-workers, colleagues, and/or the public.

Moon Square Sun: This is a tough aspect that signifies an internal war or struggle. Especially at 29 degrees. The Sun wants to shine in the area of public recognition and career but is stressed by the areas associated with the moon: family, personal relationships, business relationships. You can feel overwhelmed at times, but you have the inner strength to push through this internal conflict to achieve what you desire most. You can shine, and will shine. Especially with a sun sign in Aries you will blaze through in the area of career like no one has ever done before. Are you the first born child? With Saturn here in Aries, too, your career aspect of your life will improve after your Saturn return(28-30 age wise approximately). You will learn to stand up against authority figures (or family members, personal relationships, and/or business relationships).

Moon Square Mars: You have an insatiable desire to reach your foals. With mars in the 11th house of friendships, online groups, and the community you are a driving force when it comes to making/maintaining connections. You strive to fight for what you desire, and you often succeed because of this. Remember to not be obstinate and short-tempered when it comes to achieving these friendhsips/community that you are emotionally attached to. Go after your passions, and release frustration, anger, and disappointment in a healthy way. Physical activity in the community, online, or with friends would be really helpful in alleviating the tension of this aspect. Actually, with mars in taurus it makes me think of cooking, flowers, art, music, and singing. Channel your frustrations into these activities to see some surprising results.

Jupiter conjunct Venus in the 9th house of Pisces: Are you in college or pursuing some form of higher learning and/or spirituality? It would bring you a lot of wealth (spiritually, mentally, emotionally, or materially). You are blessed with good knowledge, and will always find yourself surrounded by beautiful people/surroundings. This is a really auspicious aspect!

CURRENT TRANSITS:

Saturn is currently in Pisces, so if you're getting serious about going to college or learning more seriously about spirituality, now is the time. Espeically since your Saturn return is in the 10th house of career. A degree or certificate in your area of interest/passion will help your saturn return go so much smoother. You will be able to secure the public recognition you are deserving of, and striving for! With Saturn crossing over your jupiter-venus conjunction as well there could be issues surrounding finding the financial support for these higher education/spirituality endeavors. Do not let it deter you, and know that while saturn represents constraint it also represents time and dedication. If you can only do one course at a time, do only one. As the transit continues to pass you'll experience less and less of this possible financial constraint. Saturn wants to see you continue to do the work, and when we do despite the restrictions, we are rewarded.

Pluto is still in Capricorn and has been transiting your 7th house since 2008. You may have dealt with controlling intimate relationships, family members, and robust/overwhelming emotions. Pluto will transit into your 8th house in January, and this will transform your area of life that deals with debt, other people's resources, death/the occult, and sex/intimacy.

I hope this quick consult helped you out, and if you're interested into diving deeper into your chart, please feel free to book a consult with me! If you feel inclined to tip, I would seriously appreciate it so much!!! If not, I still thank you sooooooo much for allowing me to take a look at your chart! xx :)

Keep in touch, and I sincerely hope we touch base again sometime soon!!!!! xx

[needsmorewlw]

Okay, I am intrigued based on your post and I have to know - what are your single saddest headcanons for Kaitlyn, Dylan and Ryan? -Drylan blog runner

I'm so glad you asked. Hoooo ok buckle up because some of these are doozies.

There's also a lot of parent stuff in here. So if you got mommy/daddy issues, be warned before continuing x

Kaitlyn

Now we know literally nothing about Kaitlyn other than the fact that her and Jacob have been friends since they were kids, so she's basically a blank canvas ready to be covered in sad, sad paint.

But what else do we know about our beautiful Kaitlyn? She's tough and super independent. You know what kind of kids are that independent at a young age? Kids who were forced to be.

Her parents had super high expectations of her growing up but were never around to support her when she needed it. They did everything shy of outright neglecting her. She adapted and got so good at passing off as this perfect, responsible, independent daughter that her parents never bothered trying to support her, in fact they just added more expectations onto her. She'd get the "we're so disappointed in you" speech if she faltered for one day but would never get congratulated for succeeding over and over. I think she also has younger siblings who can do no wrong in their parents eyes. She loves them but also can't help but resent them a little bit for getting the childhood she was denied. Some days she feels more like their nanny than their older sister.

She got older and her parents would act all smug to their friends and co workers like they'd raised the perfect daughter when in reality, she raised herself. The kicker is that she so desperately yearns for their approval. No matter how angry she gets at them, she still craves their validation.

She's SEVERELY TOUCH STARVED BECAUSE HER PARENTS NEVER HUGGED HER. On bad days, if she sees a parent hugging their child, she'll go kick something and cry. A teacher said he was proud of her on her last day before graduation and she very nearly wept. And she'll never admit it but it's one of the reasons she's held on so tight to Jacob all these years because he's the one person who's always been there.

She's tough because she had to be, not because she wanted to be.

Dylan

Oh Dylan...

Sweet...sweet blorbo.

How do I pick just one of my many hcs?

Let's stick with the parent theme. So Dylan's general vibe gives me two certainties about his home life.

1: parents are absolutely divorced.

2: only child (at first)

With all of Dylan's issues, coping and defense mechanisms, there's simply no way he has a healthy relationship with his parents. At best it would be an aloof one.

Dylan has all the insecurities and social awkwardness of an only child whose emotional needs were neglected during his formative years. I think his parents had him when they were young and got married instead of having an abortion, which they then made Dylan's problem until they eventually got divorced and his dad moved away when Dylan was in middle school.

They are the sole reason for his lack of self esteem and fear of rejection by making him feel like he needed to be grateful for existing.

Present day, Dylan's dad is remarried with what Dylan spitefully refers to as his "do-over family" at Thanksgiving dinners. He married a woman who's like four years older than Dylan and they have two twin toddlers. In her defense, she's lovely. His dad on the other hand, Dylan has no relationship with. Dylan broke down one day and pointed out how he's a completely different man now who actually cares about his new sons. So now his dad mainly just gives him money and pays for things for him in an attempt at making up for it that doesn't take any real effort. Dylan figures it's better than nothing. He looks after his half brothers sometimes if his step-mom asks. He tries really hard not to take his resentment out on them and channels it all towards his dad. The only time you'll see Dylan truly angry is if he's interacting with his dad.

His relationship with his mom is complicated. She's invested in him and proud of all of his academic achievements but she's proud of a version of Dylan she made up in her head. She doesnt actually know anything about him. I think she has some narcissistic tendencies and did a total 180 after the divorce, acting like she's always been a perfect supportive mother and denies any attempt Dylan makes at holding her accountable. So he just gave up. She loves him and that's what's important but he also once overheard her tell one of her friends that he "just hasn't met the right girl yet."

Ryan

My babygirl...

We actually do have some details about Ryan that could go any which way. The "Mom isn't exactly around" line is stuck to my brain like a barnacle. Because what does that mean? There's so many options. And there's absolutely no mention of another parent but considering his attachment towards Chris, we can assume they're not around anymore, for whatever reason.

Ryan was diagnosed with autism when he was a kid but never got any help with it. His mom tried her best but Ryan's other parent either died before they could be helpful or left because they decided raising an autistic child was too much effort. Ryan's struggled to make friends his whole life because he was never taught any coping mechanisms that would have really helped him out. He had to learn them on his own. He started going to camp at the end of elementary/beginning of middle school to try and make connections with kids his own age rather than only befriending much younger kids and adults. He ended up bonding with the reclusive werewolf siblings.

Ryan's general aloofness and monotony lead to him saying pretty upsetting things in a either a blunt or vague way. For this sad headcanon, "Mom isn't exactly around." Because she's sick. Maybe terminally ill or maybe she had a serious accident and now she's bed ridden or brain dead. Either way, she's in the hospital for good.

I think it happened recently, which is why Ryan's asking Chris for advice at camp. Chris definitely knew the full story so Ryan didn't have to elaborate. Ryan had his plan all sorted out. He was going to animation school and then suddenly his life came crashing down around him and he had to make immediate adjustments. He seriously considered not going to college because he didn't want to just leave his sister, but also the town where his mom is in hospital. Chris gives him the myopic "family is important spiel" which just makes him more conflicted (I know Chris meant well but that was awful advice). He came to camp to get his mind off of everything stressful at home. How well that turned out.

Ryan's desperately trying to make connections but also feels like he can't make choices for himself anymore. It also plays a major part in why he seems so distant concerning Kaitlyn and Dylan because yeah, the thought of having someone to be with sounds nice but he doesn't wanna drag someone he cares about into his sad messy life when he doesn't even know what he's doing.

[mr-saturnnn]

Kennith Simmons's MBTI Explained

Being an ENTJ myself, I decided to check this out why Kennith is an example of ENTJ (Trash Dentist got this MBTI as well).

ENTJ is an often type for villains and usually portrayed as cruel, egoistic, yet strong and confident commanders. These stereotypes are partly true and partly not.

Hope you enjoy reading this article!

Let's look at the personality description first:

"ENTJs are assertive, strategic, and charismatic, often thriving in leadership roles. ENTJs are motivated by achieving goals and solving complex problems, preferring logical analysis and a big-picture outlook. Known for their decisiveness and organizational skills, ENTJs value efficiency and clear structures.

However, their assertive nature may sometimes be perceived as overly dominant or impatient." (source)

Knowing the original plot, we can safely say that Kennith had organized the broadcast intrusion all on his own, and before that, learned the electronics and tech stuff. We don't know the exact info on this but I assume that he is self-taught on that, organizing his free time and self-education in a way that he learned and planned this all on his own.

Kennith had a really small circle of friends with whose he was enough assertive if we remember the story how Kennith quarreled with Stephanie.

ENTJ's strengths include following traits: confident, ambitious, optimistic, strong, sociable.

Kennith is shown to be confident and ambitious towards his audience during the broadcast. Many lines of his tell us about that, including the "Turn the volume up, folks" part in COLORBARS and, again, Kennith's addresses to the audience in Broadcast illusion.

COLORBARS is sung in a pretty optimistic way, showing Kennith's rapture to what is happening: he must be proud of himself for being able to hijack the whole national broadcast, and then just brainwash people across the country and control them for the entire day.

ENTJ's weaknesses include being: stubborn, arrogant, insensitive, egotistical, and also a lack of empathy.

Kennith got his lack of empathy because almost no one had mercy on him throughout the life. Of course he wouldn't feel sorry to people who hurt him. This affected his broadcast intrusion, and it's just a reason why he did that. He acted egotistic since he wanted to feel own self-importance for once, and he put himself in the first place, especially according to the Broadcast Illusion's lyrics.

Stubbornness is a trait of an every day life. Kennith strives to achieve things and get what he wants because he needs to prove that he's worth it. He has a low self-esteem but he wants to stop his suffer. He actually knows that he's better and above than all this.

Now, let's talk about the four primary functions of ENTJ, which are Extraverted Thinking, Introverted Intuition, Extraverted Sensing, and Introverted Feeling. (Te – Ni – Se – Fi)

Extraverted Thinking (Te) is a judging (decision-making) function that focuses on objective, logical criteria. Kennith draws conclusions using critical thinking to analyze things. Also it's useful in tech. Also, this dominant function is the primary aspect of personality.

Introverted Intuition (Ni) means to reach conclusions without having a clear idea as to how they got there. People with this function take patterns from the past experience and base their opinion or strategy on this. We may notice that Kennith never forgets his old experience, and he remembers too much from his past.

Extraverted Sensing (Se) means a desire to act. Se wants to learn through experiencing. This is basically how Kennith educated himself throughout life. He needs to experience, to practice first to discover something new. This is why Kennith is realistic and empiric.

Introverted Feeling (Fi) means to be exceptionally in touch with their emotions. Fi weighs inner life and feelings before making decisions. As for me, there's a storm of emotions inside of Kennith, he lives and feels everything with his sentiments. He is sensitive to the other's inner changes. Kennith easily perceives it.

Conclusion: ENTJ gives a strong personality which loves to do everything organized and structured. No wonder why Kennith was able to hijack the national broadcast, and he succeed. Both his personal traits and his past affected this action. His character is multi-faceted, he's able to perceive the world around with both logic and feelings. He finds the balance between his sentiments and his critical thinking. Kennith clearly knows himself regardless of his low self-esteem which has grown after his achievements. Deep inside, Kennith values his work and assess his real strength and capabilities.

As an ENTJ myself, I really relate to Kennith, and we share almost all traits at this point. I can track his way of thinking, the way he acts. I find this nice, and it lets me to discover this amazing character even better.

According to my experience, ENTJs are usually awkward towards their inner feelings. Most of the time logic is above feelings, however we need a lot of work to explore ourselves deeply. I got to understand the inner emotional side of myself only during latter years. Kennith is around of my age so it makes sense too.

Please, tell me if you need more characters' MBTIs explained!

[a-patron-with-warlock-issues]

Rant

Hey, 

I guess this is a rant I've been building up in me for some time. You don't have to read it of course. I'm sorry if you do…

I don't expect someone to respond or even read this, but I just need to get this off my chest.

I'm a 24 year old student from Poland and I'm thinking about dropping out from my third year.

There are many reasons for that but I believe that the most important one is my depression. I feel no motivation for studying, neither do I believe in myself being capable of finishing college. My poor health has already caused me to miss classes and catching up with everything tires me out even more. I also mostly hide from my family and close ones how bad my depression is. They know that last year I was attending therapy and that I stopped because I had to move to my family's home. However, they don't know that during this therapy there was barely any progress made and it got much worse since. Everyday I feel like I'm slipping deeper into a hole that I'm digging myself with my lack of action. I'm losing interest in things I enjoyed, sometimes I drive away my friends, and amongst other things I also developed eating and sleeping problems. Anxiety and lack of communication skills also has been a big problem of mine, which also seems to be at its worst point yet. Worst thing is that it feels deserved. My low self esteem and feeling of self worth (or rather lack thereof) are also a problem. Main reason I haven talked with my close ones about it, is that I don't feel like I'm worth their attention, support or stress and nerves I may cause. And it's not that I think they would turn their backs at me or something. They always showed me support in times of need and with the problems I talked about with them.

I'm scared of being a bother and heavy weight when they have their own problems, especially when I often see my problems as entirely my faults. I don't believe I can continue living like this, not to mention continuing college in this state. I guess I just want to hear from someone that even if they disagree with my choices, or see them as mistakes, they can still understand where I'm coming from, say that it's not the end of the world, that I still will be able to makes things right in the future, and say that it's not making me any less of a human being.

[ina-nis]

Other than grieving a life and experiences I’ve missed, I guess I never truly saw it in myself the possibility of change.

It’s hard to see anything when you internalize so much self-contempt - and that’s all normalized and reinforced by how society treats people who are different: you’re “falling behind”, you’re “damaged goods”, your life is over “if you don’t achieve a certain amount of [success] by a certain age“, you’re “strange, off-putting and a creep“, you “should grow up and stop being so childish and immature”, you need to try to fit in not matter the price because otherwise you’ll be excluded, etc...

When you add these sentiments (and so many more) to the fact that they mostly get confirmed by your every interaction with another human being, it’s not an good sign, isn’t it?

Then, you go look for help and it’s all about “reframing” and “focusing on the positives” and “trying to see the good in bad situations/people”, it’s all a simple matter of attitude and perspective - which obviously, isn’t true, things are much more complicated than that and these “solutions” fail to recognize that, no, they might not work for everyone and they’re especially difficult to work for people with Personality Disorders.

Also, behind all the optimism lies a trap that will end up invalidating the issues that remain unaddressed, and are avoided or “reframed” into “good things”.

I’ve been there, believe me, I’ve tried everything I could think of to tackle my loneliness the “right” way.

It didn’t work. And it all became more frustrating and hopeless instead, since I’ve been doing what’s supposed to work - I start blaming myself for not being able to move forward, or I blame others, or I blame myself and others, when the problem is much more complicated and definitely not a blaming game.

The answer is simple: this is not something that can be resolved with “reframing” and “positive thinking”. Doing that can help a person cope, but doesn’t address the issue.

For me, coping isn’t enough anymore. I need more.

And I’m not talking out of some nonsensical desire for a cure or complete remission - realistically, I know my chances are very small! - it’s just that I’d rather focus on the problem at hand and try to do something about it. Considering that’s going nowhere, I’ve been trying to branch out my paths and it’s been an interesting journey.

Recognizing how much loneliness affects me and how much space it takes without trying to see good in it or be optimistic about the prospect of feeling (eventually) less lonely in the future, have been a freeing experience for me.

It fucking sucks, it’s depressing as fuck. I hate it. I don’t want to be alone anymore and I don’t want loneliness to have this much control and space in my life even though I’m well aware it’s completely out of my control. I’m not accepting it, I’m not trying to see the good in it and I’m not trying to reframe the way I feel about it.

For once in my life, I can look at this emotion in the face and be like: fuck you.

The next step was something I was a little bit skeptical about because, well, that feels like enabling the disorder and still using avoidance to cope. That also goes against some of the literature I read about in AvPD and issues of over self-control: looking inwards and doing a lot of introspective work.

This is an interesting one because, yes, it can make things worse. It can enable the disorder even further. It can reinforce avoidance a lot. I guess, for me, it was all a matter of timing: considering I feel like I exhausted my options going outwards and doing the hands-on work externally, and observed that I was still stuck and, worse yet, a lot of that was actually worsening my condition (including the treatment itself), that’s one of those moments you need to actually stop and take a step back.

I started the whole “self-love” thing kind of as a “joke” to try to tackle some of the new triggers and, while (I feel) I never lacked self-love and my self-esteem was not that brittle or small, obviously I could never shake off that feeling of being “inherently inferior” or “different than others”, the latter being something I always took pride on while being aware it is, indeed, something that contributes to my loneliness whether I like/choose it or not.

Surprisingly, doing that helped with the triggers and, as usual, other problems surfaced while the loneliness was still there, still too big and still unaddressed.

The last few days, I feel like there were more, albeit subtle, changes to the way I see myself and deal with this whole thing. I keep thinking about changes.

I’ve been reminded, now and again, that there’s always possibility for change. It doesn’t matter where you’re at, it doesn’t matter how successful or stuck you are: change is still possible.

Of course, it’s still a fragile state of things. Like for example, I remember seeing some news article about a person in her 90s on her deathbed finally coming to terms with being trans, if I’m not mistaken she was buried dressed the way she wished and maybe had her name changed too. It was a change, even if for a very short time, I’m sure it still made her happy.

Some changes are like that... and it triggers me because of the fact that I feel like I “wasted” so much time - I don’t want that kind of situation to happen to me, because I feel like there would be too much regret despite happiness. I guess it would be more accurate to say that I’ve experienced so much loss in my life! It’s no wonder the loneliness takes so much space, it’s no wonder everything else feel so small and meaningless when the prospect of loss is omnipresent. This is probably why I have so many issues with “endings”, so many issues with things that are transitional or conditional and do end, and so many issues with accepting loss as a permanent part of my life and existence - as it is part of everyone’s - loss is most of what have stayed with me, most my memories, most my pain, most of everything. The good doesn’t erase it, the happy memories don’t either, that’s the issue.

With the possibility of change actually in my mind now, I feel like it’s less strenuous to think about pretty much anything: yes, I’ll keep moving forward regardless of all the stress and bad things; yes, I might die single and “friendless”; yes, loneliness might never truly go away or stop having such impact in my life; yes, there’s still more to life than that and I can pursue many things; and so on.

I’m pretty sure this is not enabling avoidance or disordered behaviours, but I might be wrong. All I know is that I’m giving myself some dignity, I’m constantly telling myself that “it’s not over” with my actions and even my thoughts. I’m not trying to think positively out of a bad situation, or letting the bad situation dictate my life, and I’m not trying to solve things the “normal” way or in ways that have “worked” for many people with similar issues because, in the end of the day, it’s not catered for me - yes, trusting my gut can be tricky with the whole trauma and confirmation biases, but I think it’s good enough to say that I followed the regular/usual treatments to the best of my ability and it didn’t work for me in any long-lasting way.

In one way or another, this could be considered “reframing”, huh? It doesn’t matter what it’s called, what’s important to me is to find something that works and that can help me long-term - I know the feelings come and go, I know it could get worse again, I’m still sick and I’ll be sick for the remainder of my life.

Being able to change is freeing.

Change is not success, change isn’t failure either. It’s the perfect nuanced thing I needed all along.

The possibility of changing is something to look forward to, a goal to set and achieve, a future that could be soon or far away but it’ll be there.

Maybe change is the answer I was looking for.

[asagi-red-wolf]

We all knew this was gonna happen so here’s an AU absolutely no one wants

Vivziepop-Yuri On Ice

wait no hear me out

Stolas the bored and lonely silver-haired charmer who’s attracted entirely to One Mess On Skates with massive self-esteem issues except Blitz’s anxiety presents as anger more than it does nervousness or depression but Stolas doesn’t know this at first (this poor child is in for An Awakening and not just a sexual one)

Blitz begrudgingly works at a hotel to pay bills and help out his twin sister, who’s in rehab after her own skating career was upended by a teenage injury, he’s kinda miserable all the time, and one of the reasons why seems to practically live at the hotel, it’s name is Angel and it’s A Problem but more on that later

Stolas: Starting today I’m going to be your coach!

Blitz: ...fuck off

The thing is, Blitz does admire Stolas, but he keeps it a closely guarded secret and he’s 100% sure Stolas is only there to humiliate him- he’s not sure how yet, but he’ll figure it out at some point

He’s also partly mad that Stolas is retiring because No, Blitz’s entire life goal was to steal your gold medals you coward and now what huh???

I actually feel like Stolas and Viktor would be weirdly similar in their- let’s call them “methods”, Stolas’s good-natured-but-ultimately-shitty-coaching-tactic teasing is right in line with Mr. Piggy Comments and I’ll be surprised if Blitz manages a full year with this man and never purposely steps on him even one time

Blitz is fine with eros though, it’s agape he has to learn, and oof that’s not easy for anyone involved....

All of this, ofcourse, is compounded by the fact that at the last GPF banquet Blitz absolutely threw himself half-naked against Stolas and most definitely dragged him to his hotel room for a night Stolas would never forget and Blitz would never remember- spoiler alert, he was absolutely a hundred times drunker than Stolas thought he was and Blitz doesn’t even remember there was a banquet in the first place

Meanwile, The Problem living in the hotel is Angel, who’s A Threat to everything Blitz holds dear

Because Angel is a fucking prodigy because ofcourse he is

That man hasn’t failed to place on the podium a single time since entering the senior division at barely-eighteen and it makes Blitz froth with rage, it feels like every competition that’s unfortunate enough to contain both Angel and Stolas is just a dick measuring contest to see who can do the most quads and score the best composition points, Stolas always edges out a win but the gap has been getting frighteningly small lately and Blitz is worried that his dream of being the first one to rip the gold off of that pretty motherfucker’s neck is going to be some blonde bimbo who gets everything he wants because he bats his eyes and looks like an ange- ooooh that’s where his name comes from....

Meanwile, Angel is completely unaware that this “rivalry” exists and honestly couldn’t care less about Stolas, the one he cares about is named Alastor, who is also constantly a front runner, but doesn’t climb quite as high or quite as fast as Angel does, something Angel personally believes is because of 1. Alastor growing up in New Orleans where skating just isn’t really A Thing like it is in New York and 2. Alastor being stiff

Alastor does dance with emotion but it’s always the same two or three emotions, he never really gets sensitive like Angel and Stolas do, he has the raw power but he lacks fluidity and grace and sometimes his composition falls flat compared to the more heart-pulling types of things Angel and Stolas compose for

Angel keeps hoping to get Alastor’s attention if he can keep beating him- because he seems competitive that way- but Alastor won’t give him the time of day, so one day he decides he’s going to force Alastor to pay attention to him by offering to be his coach

Something Alastor responds to with a very quick “Ha! No,”

Angel is half stunned, half furious, HE FUCKING FLEW TO CANADA FOR THIS SHIT?!!?

The thing is, Alastor isn’t really skating with any motivation, he’s not trying to be an Olympic athlete or anything, he doesn’t really care about winning, it’s just what his hyperfixation has been for most of his life and he’s good at it and he’s still very young so he’s doing this wile he figures himself and his future out, it’s not the same all-consuming “Win or die” situation Angel is in, where Angel had to constantly claw at the leaderboard like his life depended on it because it fucking did, because the only reason he was allowed to keep skating is because he was getting recognition from an early age and starting to earn money with it and he had it drilled into his head that if he lost he would be forced to quit

Skating is Angel’s entire life, but it’s only a temporary fixture of Alastor’s

And that kinda... breaks Angel a little bit

He really thought he had found someone- in his own age bracket and with his level of skill- that he could bond with, who felt the same way he did, loved the same things he loved, but.... no

It’s lonely, it’s isolating, and it’s actually embarrassing that Angel had been so confident his coaching speech would work only to be turned down and then told that Alastor doesn’t really care about improving in the first place

It’s all.... alot....

And that’s- surprisingly- what gets Alastor’s attention

Angel is on top of the world, there isn’t a person in figure skating who isn’t clamoring for his attention, so why is he so lonely? Why is he so sad?

Alastor is dreadfully bored with life, everything is always the same, he aches for change but has such limited interests- and limited finances, skating is expensive and moving to Canada as barely an adult to continue pursuing it is even more so- that he can’t do much to improve that bleakness

Angel has provided him with something that makes him feel..... curious again though, so he catches Angel before he leaves and agrees to let Angel coach him, on the condition that he NOT try to push anything on Alastor that’s even remotely sensual- Alastor has made it this far in a “romantic” sport without showing a single hint of love or lust and he intends to keep it that way, thank you

Angel is all too happy to agree, and they find out that they’re a strangely good match, Alastor is a calming presence who actually listens to Angel instead of writing him off as a ditzy blonde with nothing going on in his brain, and Angel is compassionate and very supportive of Alastor’s asexuality and how he wants to represent it- something Alastor can’t say anyone else in his hobby/career has been thus far, they work well together and communicate with surprising ease, a stark contrast to The Mess going on between Blitz and Stolas who barely get their shit together before it almost falls apart again, atleast at first, they get it together eventually- and eventually Alastor decides.... maybe this is where he’ll stay

He hasn’t really grown much fonder of skating, he’s learned to appreciate a few new things about it but that’s really it, but.... he has grown much fonder of Angel, and, you know, he hyperfixates, skating has been his fixation for years, now that fixation is Angel, and skating just happens to come along with it, so what’s there to complain about?

[character-fan19]

MLB Season 4 Character Analysis: "Penalteam"

Introduction

Hello everyone, I'm back with a new character analysis and this time it's episode 24. If this is your first time your seeing one of these posts, then here I look at the perspectives of the different characters in order to help others see what's going through their head to make them act the way they do.

So "Penalteam", the episode right before the two-part finale, we've come so far. This episode seemed to shove in a lot of heroes all at once due to which the characters didn't get enough time of their own to shine. I can kinda see why some people don't really like this episode but it still has characterization for 4 characters nonetheless and plus also Ladybug however small that characterization is, it's still significant enough to be mentioned in this post so let's get started.

Character POVs

Ladybug

"No need for a whole team, it's just Cat Noir and me against your clones. We're gonna be so awesome that you won't even see the ball. We're gonna win and de-akumatize you in no time."

We'll start with Ladybug, and from this episode we can see that she is trying to make Cat Noir feel like he's wanted by telling Penalteam that she doesn't need a whole team to beat her and that she and Cat Noir and her can defeat her themselves.

This shows that Ladybug has learned from last episode when Cat Noir communicated with her about his problems by telling her how useless he felt so Ladybug could come to the conclusion: oh no, Cat Noir is feeling useless, I should help him feel like he's wanted. Cat Noir may have solved his side of the miscommunication in that episode but Ladybug still needs to solve her side of the miscommunication but at least now the Cat Noir has done it, their relationship has been partly repaired. Ladybug will get there as well, she just needs face her Cat Blanc trauma by telling Cat Noir about it but it's not going to be easy.

2. Sabrina

"I'm sorry but I can't do that to Chloe."

Every one of the heroes introduced this episode had a mental obstacle they had to overcome and for Sabrina that was to reduce her platonic simping towards Chloe enough so that she can do the things she likes without the thought of what Chloe would think bothering her.

This was already kind of kickstarted in the New York Special when she developed a crush on the guy Delmar who encouraged her to come with him and let go Chloe a little bit but it didn't get enough focus due to lack of time in the special itself but now we get to do it again in this episode although it is once again being overshadowed by other things just like in the New York Special but at least this time we get to see a solid conclusion towards the end when Sabrina told Chloe that she wanted to play soccer instead of going with her. So that's progress for her.

3. Nathaniel

"It's just, I'm flattered Ladybug but I don't feel comfortable being on a team."

Now moving onto Nathaniel and his percieved discomfort of being part of a team and working with other people. We see this at the start of the episode where he tries to avoid playing soccer and made Marc make an excuse for him so that he doesn't have to come.

He tries to do it again with Ladybug when she offers him a Miraculous so that she doesn't have to work as part of a team until Ladybug made him realize how well he actually does by giving him the example of how he and Marc work together to write the Ladybug comics they do which encouraged Nathaniel to try and ended up enjoying it which changed his mind about wanting to play soccer by the end of the episode.

4. Marc

"Ladybug, I'm not really that good at soccer, I-"

Next, there's Marc with his lack of self-confidence which we've seen ever since his debut episode with him not believing that his writing was good even though he was amazing which is sort of similar to Marinette's problem of low self-esteem where she doesn't believe she is amazing and wanting to do everything she can to be perfect even though she already amazing.

Getting the Rooster Miraculous allowed Marc to have more faith in his abilities similar to how getting the Ladybug Miraculous helped Marinette have more faith in hers and in this case it helped him believe in his soccer skills which we've seen him with since the beginning of the episode. With some encouragement from Ladybug he was able to gain confidence and this most likely led to him completing his character arc.

5. Ivan

"What if I hurt someone with my superpowers?"

Finally we have Ivan's arc of learning to embrace his strength. Ivan has always been the gentle giant and due to this he was afraid of using his size and strength to hurt people due to which he has always held back.

In the soccer game when he was given the ball he became hesitant which gave the other team the advantage but when he was given a Miraculous by Ladybug the same fear returned but with Ladybug's encouragement he was able to face his fear and embrace his strength by using it for the greater good.

Conclusion

Sorry if these character POVs are very brief but the rushing of the episode didn't give it enough depth to make it that long. So now we just have the two-part finale left. Let me know if I should do "Risk" and "Strikeback" as one post called "Shadow Moth's Final Attack" or if I should do them separately like all these other episodes With that being said I'll see y'all next time.

[milkywaylights]

My thoughts and interpretation about Love All Play Ep 1 after I rewatched it

PART 3

(Contain Spoilers)

You can read the previous parts here (just click the part you haven't read):

Part 1

Part 2

The reasons why this drama titled "Going to You at a Speed of 493km" - part 1

Actually there's a lot I want to talk about about the title of this drama.  The title "Going to You at a Speed ​​of 493km" for me, are words that really describe Park Taejun who came as fast as a speed of 493km to keep Park Taeyang by his side.

Before that, I would like to inform you that this commentary will be dominated by Taeyang and Taejun's first conversation outside the pub, because for me, their conversation at that time was really the starting point of their relationship. Thanks to Taejun. These conversations are also the basis of the drama's title, "going to you at a speed of 493km", and become the strong pillars that help the Park Twins relationship develop and stay intact.

Going to you at a speed of 493km was started by Park Taejun who wanted to get rid of "half of his life" which is his favorite racket, and no longer care about badminton. But he saw Park Taeyang sitting at another table with the Yunis team. Maybe for a moment he remembered what happened when they were 12 years old. Before Taejun's team had a drink, Jaesik brought up the topic of Taejun who started it all at the age of 7, while Taeyang has such extraordinary talent that Taejun was amazed at her who at that time was 12 years old and playing badminton for the first time.

Taejun who had been lying to himself and pretended to "don't care about badminton" saw Taeyang for who she was, without knowing the strange rumors that had spread over the past 3 years.

Taeyang who was venting all her emotions by playing games caught by Taejun's eyes.  He heard everything Taeyang said, and he also knew that Taeyang was in trouble.

Taeyang with all her inferiority still felt that the score he got from the hitting game was lacking, but Taejun said that "you even got a bonus". That means, Taejun sees Taeyang as a person he has admired from a long time ago.

Spoiler:

Do you remember the 3 reasons why Park Taejun dated Park Taeyang?

1. Taeyang is cool

2. Taeyang is better than Taejun

3. Taejun wants to date someone who is better than him.

Taejun usually doesn't care who's great or who isn't, because that's absolutely none of his business.  But when he saw someone squandering talent and feeling inferior even though it was confirmed that the person had very good potential, Taejun couldn't let it go.  He was always affected when he saw such people, because he envied them. They already know that they are really great, but still doubt it.  Meanwhile Taejun firmly believes that he is nothing more than an ordinary person with ordinary badminton skills.

Therefore, I think Taejun is very attracted to Taeyang who is fragile, because he knows that low self-esteem is very painful.  At least he met someone he recognized his abilities, and he supported her since 12 years.  And finally, Taejun approached Taeyang.

Taejun suddenly gave his racket to Taeyang, and Taeyang didn't ask why.

I think Taeyang didn't understand what Taejun was doing because she has never dated anyone.  So when Taejun approached her, she reacted strangely and didn't know what to do in response to Taejun's actions. Besides, Taeyang already knows that Taejun is the Taejun she knew in her childhood.  But she tries not to get too close to people she knows.

From my perspective as a person who has never dated, I understand why Taeyang chose to hold back.  There are things to consider in the mind of a girl who has never been close to a boy. From the first time Taeyang saw Taejun compete (he even saw Taejun forfeit), she was already attracted to him. But, of course, apart from the problems she was currently facing, she was also confused by her own feelings.

If we show too much weakness to someone, we will be afraid to end up depend on them. Maybe that's how Taeyang felt at that time. Because she felt Taejun always saw her who was at the weakest and darkest point in her life, and Taeyang also saw Taejun who had his own problems.

This reminds me of Run On.  Oh Mijoo and Ki Seongyeom's characters also have the same bond as the Park twins. Oh Mijoo feels sorry for Ki Seongyeom whereas she shouldn't feel sorry or worry about someone when her own life is also at a worrying point.  Then Ki Seongyeom also always saw Oh Mijoo who was at her weakest point, and Mijoo didn't like that because if someone found out that she was weak, she would be trampled on and being "exiled" again.

For me, Taeyang and Taejun also have a similar way to them. Taejun accidentally or intentionally always saw Taeyang's weak point, and Taeyang also understood that Taejun was not okay.  Therefore, their relationship becomes very special and fully formed.

[adshoactivist]

I'm getting tired of telling myself that "it's going to happen for me" and to "just wait".

I have gone through many personal journeys, I'm no doubt going to go through more. I have come a very long way from the rock bottom where I used to reside, yet still I somehow feel like I'm residing in some sort of limbo, where a part of me is yet to even exist until I find or experience romantic affection.

I sit and get compliments from my friends and older women and I've worked hard to start believing them. I've learned to if not appreciate then accept the things I hate about myself. I forced out of my brain the mindset that I am worthless without a romantic partner no matter how much it feels that way (and how illogical that belief is, assigning worth to something so vast as a life).

But still. While I work on getting better I get the luxury of watching my friends do the same and thrive in areas I've yet proven to be able to. I get to watch guys trip over themselves to talk to them. I get to watch them flirt and play the game masterfully and I get to try not to be jealous when I notice the blatant lack of it all in my own life.

After spending what felt like my whole life fantasizing about this so called perfect relationship, binging romance novels and dramas and x reader fics and I'd accepted them as fiction - until I stopped isolating myself and found out that these little moments that I read about happen every day for everyone around me. And it's so frustrating to avoid simply just asking if the problem is me, am I so unlikable, am I doing literally everything wrong? It feels as though I'm being blatantly overlooked, and the worst part about it all is the guilt I try to stave off feeling, because in my head it seems like I have the biggest and most disgusting ego for not only daring to think I'm beautiful but also getting annoyed (upset, frustrated?) that no guy seems to notice and like me enough to do something about it.

But that's not something I feel comfortable sharing, because I've been through this enough times to know what the responses will be. My friends will remind me that I'm still pretty and that guys aren't worth it and it will happen when I least expect it. My sister, constantly the victim of my trauma dumps, will get annoyed with me for letting my self esteem get so low for even the concept of a man, and my therapist will remind me that I'm on my own journey and to not compare myself with anyone else. Which is a true and fair response, since comparison is what often triggers these feelings, but I'd like to take the opportunity to address each of these responses without feeling like I'm forcing the listener to watch me wallow.

"You're still pretty": I have no doubt that I am pretty, I make it a point to care for myself because I can say that there was a considerable period of my life where I literally did not.

"Guys aren't worth it": Guys are full of shit as a unit, I know that very well as a woman in STEM. But saying romance isn't worth it as someone who regularly experiences romantic affection is like saying money isn't worth it while backstroking in your private pool.

"It will happen when you least expect it": I'm always expecting it.

I will not sit here and say that my self esteem is anything to be proud of. I've only recently stopped apologizing for entering a room. But when literally everyone around me is having experiences that I've dreamed about while it all just passes me by, I'm bound to feel a certain type of way.

And it all comes back to comparing myself to everyone around me. I need to work on that, but there's so much more to the phrase "work on that" than people realize. I literally need to change the way my brain works, and if that needs to happen before I even catch a crumb of romantic affection, then that's another couple years of my life where I still feel this way.

So I'm tired. And impatient. And now that I've reached the end of what I wanted to say, I'm annoyed that I have to go back to a reality where nothing changed other than my posting this

[aphrostarot]

The Emperor Pick a Pile

If you feel like you need to set better boundaries, protect your energy, and fully embrace your boss energy then this pick a pile is for you.

Please remember that this is a general reading and some things may not apply to you. Don't force it to fit. I offer paid readings on my page if you would like a personal reading. Prices are listed there. Please message me or email me if you are interested!

Pile One:

What things are currently out of control in your life?

Death:

To me, it seems as if you are constantly trying to control everything in your life. Additionally, I believe that you may fear change on top of the control issues. Intuitively, you may know when big changes are coming, which provides you with a chance to delay them, but you do not seem to have been able to do that recently. Change keeps coming your way no matter what you do, which has been making you pretty stressed out. However, you are unaware that these changes are helping you to become a better version of yourself.

Passion Ignited:

A new beginning within your soul passions is the theme of this card. This suggests that your passions have undergone some major shifts. Maybe you've lost your job recently, or maybe you've just realized that what you once loved isn't what you want anymore. There may be people in your life who are putting pressure on you, trying to make you do things that you do not want to do, which has further contributed to your stress. It seems you have been struggling lately trying to figure out how to pursue what you really want while also making the people around you happy, regardless of the situation. You need to know that your own happiness is all that you need to focus on, not anyone else’s.

Heart Chakra:

Given your current situation, it makes sense that your heart chakra is currently out of balance. It's difficult to have parts of your life out of your control, especially when it comes to your chakras. During this time, you can begin to regain balance within this chakra by practicing more self-care.

What do you have control over in your life?

Seven of Cups:

Right now, you are unaware that regaining control over your passions is within your reach. All you need to do is realize this and take the necessary steps to regain control. The first step is to do what makes you happy and stop trying to make everyone else happy.

Trapped in Fear:

It seems that an unnecessary amount of worry plagues you. Since you are filled with so much worry you are unaware that these worries are actually preventing you from taking the steps necessary to regain control over the things you have lost along the way. Get out of your own head, stop letting your fears drive your life, and take control of your life again. Get back in the driver's seat.

What is outside of your power?

Two of Pentacles:

Your finances may have suffered as a result of your struggles with your passions. It may have been a long time since you were financially stable. At this point, this does not need your attention. Right now, your financial security is beyond your control. What you have control over is how to regain balance in what you want to pursue, not how much money you will make. Money worries are not necessary right now. You are focusing too much on the future when you should really be focusing on the present.

Patience:

During this time, you need to be patient with yourself and your journey. By exercising patience, you will not only regain control over parts of your journey that have gone off track, but you will also feel balanced within yourself, which may eventually allow you to let go of some of your worries.

Solar Plexus Chakra:

This chakra is associated with your psychic abilities and inner feelings. As I mentioned before, you may have a strong intuition, and this card seems to confirm it. Currently, it appears that this part of yourself is out of balance. You may want to try yoga or breathwork to help you restore your balance. Also, keep a close eye out for other people and energies surrounding you.

What should you be saying no to in your life?

Page of Cups:

It is possible that you are an extremely sensitive person. This can cause you to live with your head in the clouds, seeing the best in everything and everyone. As a result, you are often taken advantage of. Some people in your life may only keep you around for you to fulfill their needs. It is time that you begin to say no to the people who take advantage of you and your energy. Now is the time for you to focus on yourself and your journey.

Sacral Chakra:

It seems that most of your chakras are out of balance. The Sacral Chakra focuses on your emotions, desires, sexuality, and creativity. Because you are surrounded by some energy sharks in your life you have not been able to fully express yourself. Now is the time for you to do this. Try dancing, or meditation to help you find balance in this area. Also, it is important that you remember that you matter, regardless of what others tell you!

What is something you should keep in your life that needs maintenance?

Six of Cups:

For some, you may be in a soulmate relationship right now and debating on if this person is truly meant for you or not. This is a sign that they are meant for you, but that your relationship just needs a bit of work to maintain. For others, I am getting that an ex has recently come back into your life and you don’t know if you should take them back or not. This is a sign that you should be taking them back but that once you do, you will need to go about the relationship differently than how you did in the past.

Knight of Cups:

This person is very romantic and cares deeply for you and your feelings. You can count on them to be loyal and dedicated to you. They want what is best for you and are willing to provide you with a fairytale romance. Considering you have an out-of-balance heart chakra right now, it would make sense that you may be having questions about this relationship. The maintenance here is you regaining balance in your heart chakra so you are more willing to accept the love this person offers.

Hope:

For some, it feels to me that you had been lacking hope in your life for some time before this person came into your life. Having them here makes you feel things that you have not felt for so long, and that makes you worry that it won't last. You've rediscovered freedom through hope and this leaves you feeling nervous about the outcome because you are frightened that things won't work out, leaving you heartbroken.

Temptation:

There is a substantial amount of sexual desire between the two of you. If this is your ex then maybe this was one of the reasons why the two of you ended up breaking up in the past, as you didn't take the time to get to know each other and only focused on sex instead of developing an emotional relationship. If that is the case, your guides are telling you that you need to make sure you don't get lost in lust in this relationship, as you did the last time.

What is something that brings you joy that you should keep safe at all times?

Eight of Swords:

At some point in your life, you may have struggled to maintain happiness. Perhaps it wouldn’t stick around once it came, or maybe you didn't know what made you happy. Because of this, you need to protect your happiness at all costs. As well as keeping your mental health safe. Particularly from yourself.

Six of Swords:

Progress in your life is what makes you happy. When you start to see all your hard work paying off in your life, especially on things you have been struggling with, it gives you an extreme sense of pride in yourself. You are being told that at all costs you need to keep that feeling. Don’t let what other people have to say about you and your journey make you lose your happiness. Make sure you are doing things that make you happy, not things that make others happy.

Triumph:

The meaning of this card is essentially the same as that of the Six of Swords or The Chariot in Tarot. Your guides are telling you that you must make sure that your progress is protected at all costs. Don't let others dictate your life. The only person who can control what you do in life is you, so take back control. Let yourself be happy.

Channeled Messages:

Library:

You can see from the picture of this layout that this card depicts a woman who is essentially a puppet. Your life is in the hands of others, and they have the power to control your emotions, your actions, and who you are. This card warns you of that. Now is the time to take control of your own narrative. Don't let other people tell you how to live your life. Live your life for yourself and no one else.

5461:

I encourage you to look up this angel number as it can have many different meanings. Search Google for "angel number 5461 meaning" and see what your guides have to say.

Pile Two:

What things are currently out of control in your life?

Nine of Swords (reversed):

You have been plagued with nightmares recently. Traumas from your past that you were putting off have come back with greater intensity. They have become such a problem that you don’t know where to begin when it comes to healing. The good thing is that you are willing to find a way out, it's just that your mental state has become so out of control that you are feeling overwhelmed.

Three of Cups:

Your current state makes it difficult for you to celebrate all you have accomplished in life. You have been in such a funk and dark place and have not really experienced a second of joy as of lately. You may even feel that joy seems far away and unattainable right now.

Solar Plexus Chakra:

Solar Plexus Chakra is the center of self-esteem and confidence. Yours seems to be out of balance right now, which means that you may be experiencing some major self-doubt right now. You can get this back into balance by doing yoga or breathwork. Additionally, be aware of the people and energies that surround you. Energy sharks are the last thing you need in your life.

What do you have control over in your life?

The Emperor:

Considering I am doing the Emperor's reading, it is interesting to have it come through as something you are in complete control of at this time. It appears that you do not realize how much control you really have over your life. You already have all the power you need, you just need to realize it. Currently, your current inner turmoil has been affecting your view of yourself, but your guides are letting you know that there's nothing to fear at this moment, you have everything you need inside yourself to conquer your demons.

Balance:

You have complete control over invoking balance in your life. I know that right now it may not seem like it but you truly do have the power to take back your control over your mindset. Your anxieties no longer have to control your daily life. Making an appointment with a therapist can help you regain balance in your life. Remember that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. If therapy is out of the picture then try yoga, or doing something that helps alleviate some of your stress like drawing, or going to an art exhibit.

What is outside of your power?

Nine of Wands:

Currently, you are experiencing a great deal of inner conflict. Because of this inner turmoil, you feel as though there is no way out, which makes your stress levels even higher. You have been trying to get out of this situation with all your might, but you are trying too hard and not taking the proper actions. As your guides tell you, the way you are going about getting out of this is not the best way. By stressing so much, trying to escape, you are actually making your situation more difficult. I feel that some of you think that being in darkness is a sign of weakness, which is why you try so hard to get out. Right now your guides are telling you that your lesson is to allow yourself to feel something other than positive emotions.

Queen of Cups:

The Queen of Cups is extremely empathetic, someone who puts others ahead of herself and never fails to show compassion and understanding. When it comes to other people, you are quite good at this, but not when it comes to yourself. It is time for you to show yourself compassion. According to your guides, right now getting out of this situation is out of your control, which tells me you're meant to go through it. For some, I believe that you are going through your dark night of the soul right now. This is a necessary step in your transformation and self-discovery, one that should not be rushed. The best thing for you right now is to show yourself the same compassion and understanding you so easily exhibit toward others.

Sacral Chakra:

Your Sacral Chakra is the center of your creativity and sexuality. Right now, this seems out of balance for you. It has affected not only your motivation and creativity but also your sexuality. In recent months, you may have found it difficult to fully express yourself. Your guides are telling you that this is just a part of your current journey, and you should not worry about it right now. Since you've been stressed out about so many things recently, this has actually made your current situation worse. You should relax and give yourself the opportunity to take a break from constantly worrying about how you haven't been acting as you did in the past. You are undergoing a transformation as part of which you are changing. You should not worry about how you are acting differently than you used to.

What should you be saying no to in your life?

Six of Pentacles:

You are a very caring and understanding person. Even when you are trying to deal with your own issues, you are constantly there for people in your life. You have been putting a strain on your mental health by sharing too much, and now is the time to say no to the energy sharks who call themselves your friends. It is unhealthy for you to be around people who know you are going through something and expect you to be there for them constantly. It's time to begin saying no to them, let them figure it out on their own, and if they get upset at the idea of you taking care of yourself then they aren't meant to be in your life.

Three of Swords:

As you are going through a big transformation in your life, you feel very heartbroken and lost, and by constantly being there for the people in your life, you ignore yourself and your needs, which has been making your recovery much harder. It's time to put yourself first, stop thinking about others before yourself.

Throat Chakra:

Your Throat Chakra has been blocked for quite some time, and now is the time to begin speaking up for yourself. It is quite literally speaking up when you have something to say that will help you unblock this chakra. Quit silencing yourself to avoid rocking the boat.

What is something you should keep in your life that needs maintenance?

Two of Cups:

You are currently in a soulmate relationship, whether it is romantic or platonic. This relationship that you have been questioning recently is meant to stay in your life. Recently there have been problems with its harmony, which may have caused you to question it. These problems are not a reason to end it, there is just some upkeep and maintenance to be done.

Four of Wands:

Currently, this relationship may be lacking stability, so your guides are telling you to find stability as soon as possible. If you live with this person, you may want to try redecorating or rearranging your furniture to make it more comfortable for both of you. You could also try having a date night with this person at home in a comfortable environment that will help you two regain some stability.

Power:

You have the inner strength and willpower to get through your current situation, especially when it comes to this person. Due to all of your worrying, you may not realize this. Right now, you must remember just how strong you are to help you overcome your problems.

What is something that brings you joy that you should keep safe at all times?

The Hermit:

You may like to be alone, preferring your alone time over hanging out with a bunch of people. Even if you are in a relationship, you still prefer to have some alone time. This is something you should not change about yourself, according to your guides. Do not let other people change or judge this aspect of yourself. This is a part of your identity that should be protected and not changed.

The Chariot:

You prefer to move around and travel rather than staying in one place for a long period of time. For some, I’m getting that you want to move out of your home town but there are people in your life who are pressuring you to stay. You are being told by your guides to keep your free spirit intact, do not let other people's pressure and judgment change you.

Wisdom:

Your desire to learn is constant. You always want to broaden your perspective and knowledge, and your guides are telling you to keep this part of yourself safe. Never stop learning, it is what makes you so unique.

Emotional Loss:

It is possible for you to move on and heal from any emotional loss, whether you are aware of it or not. You may not think that is the case right now because you have been in darkness for so long, but your guides are telling you that you have the power to heal yourself and move forward and you need to keep this part of yourself protected.

Channeled Messages:

Red:

Right now, your guides are telling you to forgive. You should forgive those who have let you down in your life, forgive yourself for not allowing yourself to feel pain, and forgive yourself for being upset with your guides for making you have to go through this pain. For some, I believe you have been extremely angry with your guides during this time, believing they have abandoned you or that they do not have your best interests at heart. Your anger is 100% valid and you need to forgive yourself for hating them.

1211:

I encourage you to look up this angel number as it can have many different meanings. Search Google for "angel number 1211 meaning" and see what your guides have to say.

Pile Three:

What things are currently out of control in your life?

Two of Wands:

You may have just entered a partnership recently. In most cases, the Two of Wands describes a business partnership but based on the energy I am getting from this pile, I feel this could pertain to a romantic relationship for some. When this card comes out, it shows how well you and your partner work together and that you will go far together.

Page of Wands:

This person is an extremely friendly individual. They are very adventurous and fun-loving. Their charm and ability to communicate enable them to make friends easily. If this is a business relationship this is what has helped or will help the two of you get far.

Trapped in Fear:

This person's friendliness has been eating away at you for a long time. You are scared that this person’s friendliness will not make them committed to you. That they will leave you for something or someone better. Your fear has taken control over you and this relationship and it has gotten so bad that it is so far out of your control now.

Light:

You have let your fear control your life and your relationship, which has affected your happiness, especially in this relationship. Previously, you could fake happiness around this person, but now it has gotten so bad that you are unable to fake it.

What do you have control over in your life?

Two of Pentacles:

You may have struggled to maintain balance in your life in the past, but lately, that is not something that you struggle with anymore. Your life seems to be getting back to normal now that you have recently started regaining balance in areas where it had been missing for some time.

The Hierophant:

While it may not apply to everyone, I am seeing that you may have been unsure about marriage for some time now, which may be due to your lack of balance, but as of now, I am seeing that you may want to get married in the near future. A marriage, you feel, will give you a solid foundation in your life. For those who are already married, you may have felt that your marriage was one of the things lacking stability in your life, but now that you have regained a sense of balance in your life, it seems to be doing well.

Firm Foundation:

Following a period where you were lacking stability in your life, your guides are expressing to you that now you can create a foundation that is firm and lasting in your life. Whether it's marriage or finding stability and balance in your relationships, this is something to look forward to.

What is outside of your power?

The World:

You have a lot of anxieties when it comes to endings in your life, especially endings in your relationships whether romantic or platonic. Your guides are telling you that these endings are beyond your control. You cannot always keep people in your life, and that is okay. It is not possible to force people to stay or to put off endings. You need to let go of your fears in these situations.

Stand your Ground:

You have been allowing your fears and anxieties control your life for quite some time now and your guides are telling you that now is the time you stood your ground. You need to learn to control your anxieties.

What should you be saying no to in your life?

Seven of Cups:

You are being presented with a variety of options in your life, and most of these options are tempting you to veer off course. You are being told not to steer off course by your guides. Currently, you are on the right track and you do not need to change direction anytime soon. Say no to the people or things that tempt you to change.

Temptation:

We have established that you are being tempted by people and things in your life that seem much more fun than your current path. Stay on course; don't let these temptations lead you to change your direction. All the signs you get are urging you to stay on track.

What is something you should keep in your life that needs maintenance?

Seven of Wands (reversed):

It feels as though you have fought tooth and nail to get to the point where you currently are, and you are tempted to change your course of action because nothing is going your way. You feel pretty defeated right now in some areas of your life.

Justice:

In this situation, you should know that justice will be served to you. Your efforts will pay off, all you need to do is start believing that you are worthy of winning. That's what needs maintenance, your mindset.

Spiritual Union:

What we have been discussing might be a soulmate connection, be it romantic or platonic. When it comes to this relationship, it may seem as though things are not going your way, but your guides are telling you that this is not the case, you will soon be facing justice.

What is something that brings you joy that you should keep safe at all times?

The Empress:

The Empress represents growth and feminine energy. You embody The Empress' qualities. You have a strong sense of self-worth and exude a calming and nurturing energy. Your guides are telling you to hold onto this side of you at all costs. Don't let someone or something make you lose this part of yourself.

Ace of Wands:

Starting new passions is something that brings you great joy. You are constantly moving onto new passions because you love the excitement they bring. Your guides are telling you to never let this side of you go, keep it safe at all costs.

Emotional Loss:

In the past, you may have experienced a major heartbreak that caused you to want to change aspects of yourself in order to get this person back or to make more people like you. Taking this step is not a good idea. You are being told here that changing yourself for someone else is not the right way to go about your life journey and you should not let other people's pressure to change your personality damage yours.

Channeled Messages:

Sword:

You have been considering making a change recently, whether it is cutting your hair or starting a new hobby, and your guides are telling you to go for it here.

5849:

I encourage you to look up this angel number as it can have many different meanings. Search Google for "angel number 5849 meaning" and see what your guides have to say.

Pile Four:

What things are currently out of control in your life?

Three of Cups:

All things fun are associated with the Three of Cups. Previously, you may have been the party animal, the one everyone turned to for fun and to plan all of the get-togethers. Now, you have changed and it seems that people in your life still expect you to be that person, but you are no longer that person. It has become a conflicted situation since you feel that you have to fulfill that role in order for the peace to continue.

Harmony:

You are trying to be an old version of yourself in order to maintain harmony in your relationships at the moment, which is why it seems that harmony is lacking in them at the moment. You’ll be unhappy because you have to pretend to be someplace you’re not, so the harmony can't be maintained. It's hard to pretend to be happy when you're not.

What do you have control over in your life?

Eight of Pentacles:

At this time in your life, you have control over your mind. You know that you are not that old version of yourself, and you know that you do not want to be that person. Because you think the people in your life won't enjoy this new version of you, you pretend that you are still that person. Your guides are telling you with this card that you are in control of who you are and you know who you are. It shouldn't be necessary for you to pretend to be someone you aren't. People who do not like you for who you are aren't meant to be in your life.

Sacral Chakra:

In your Sacral Chakra, you find all of your feelings, desire, creativity, and sexuality. You may not realize you are in control of these things in your life because you're trying so hard to be someone you're not. By pretending to be an old version of yourself, your guides are telling you that you are causing this chakra to get out of balance. Stop trying to be someone you're not. It's unhealthy.

What is outside of your power?

Nine of Wands:

You will experience small setbacks in your journey with the nine of wands. Therefore, I am not surprised that you are experiencing some stress in your life due to setbacks. Every time you think you are getting closer to the finish line, something comes up that sets you back a few steps. Your guides are telling you that there really is nothing you can do to stop this from happening. Sometimes you will face setbacks, that’s just how life is.

Financial and Material Changes:

Money changes may be involved in these setbacks. It is possible that you are spending more than you are earning, causing you to struggle financially. Alternatively, you may be in a career such as running your own business where money doesn’t come as often as you’d like which pushes you back a few steps in your path. There's not much you can do about this at the moment, according to your guides.

What should you be saying no to in your life?

The Hanged Man:

In order to keep the peace, you have been making sacrifices in your life for quite some time now. One of the main sacrifices is you feeling the need to change yourself to make your friends happy. Your guides are telling you now is the time to stop feeling the need to change yourself for others.

The Star:

There is a small part of you that wishes you could one day feel happy while doing this. Your guides, however, say this is not the case. It is pointless to hope that one-day things will go well for you while you pretend to be someone you aren't.

Balance:

There is a lack of balance in your life right now because you are not fully expressing yourself. In order for you to regain balance in your life, your guides are telling you to stop thinking you have to be someone you are not in order for others to like you.

What is something you should keep in your life that needs maintenance?

The Devil:

For quite some time now, you've been lacking fun and happiness in your life. This is because you believe pretending to be someone other than yourself will allow you to have fun. Having fun within your true self is what your guides are telling you to do. Make a point of finding new things that make you happy and things that you enjoy doing. You can have fun while being yourself.

The World:

You need a completion in your life right now. A completion in you thinking that in order for you to be liked you need to be someone else. It is now time to start showing your true self instead of hiding it.

Deception and Envy:

You may be jealous of the people in your life who are more confident than you are and do not fear expressing themselves. Your guides are telling you that expressing your true self will help you overcome this jealousy.

What is something that brings you joy that you should keep safe at all times?

Six of Cups:

A soulmate relationship in your life is something you need to protect at all costs. Though I do believe that it is a platonic relationship, it could be either romantic or platonic. Your guides are telling you that this person brings you great joy and you shouldn't let them go.

Firm Foundation:

Possibly this person has been in your life for quite some time now, and you have a solid relationship with them. You two get along really well together and are extremely comfortable in each other's company. In front of this person, you might even be able to express yourself fully. According to your guides, you should keep this relationship safe at all costs. You shouldn't let your current situation affect your relationship with this person.

Channeled Messages:

Potion:

During this time, your guides encourage you to practice self-care and self-love. Since you've been hiding your true self for so long, you've forgotten to take care of yourself. At this time, make sure that you are putting yourself first.

Lioness:

You have come a long way in your life and have experienced so many things that have left you physically and emotionally scarred. Here, the message is not to hide. As a result of your life experiences, you have accumulated some scars, but you should not be ashamed of them. The time has come for you to fully embrace everything that makes you who you are.

1332:

I encourage you to look up this angel number as it can have many different meanings. Search Google for "angel number 1332 meaning" and see what your guides have to say.

Though tips are not required, they are very much appreciated. Thank you!

Venmo: @ aphrostarot

Paypal: paypal/aphrostarot