#but also to take things into consideration

[convolutedblasphemy]

Strange Remedies

notes: my first contribution to this fandom. enjoy. this man has taken over my brain.

contains: crosshair x gn!reader, set on pabu, kissing, touch-starved crosshair, reader shamelessly flirts with him, some banter, some angst and of course a lot of affection.

summary: unable to sleep, you decide to take a stroll around pabu, not expecting to run into your teammate along the way. he may have gotten more than he bargained for when you have a few words to say about his ever-trembling hand.

warnings: none

The sun had long set on the small island settlement that your squad had unanimously decided was your temporary or perhaps even permanent residence. A comforting silence had settled over the village but you just couldn't seem to fall asleep. Having tried your best; laying in the dark with your eyes closed for at least two hours, you eventually gave up and decided that maybe taking a walk would tire you out enough. So you got up quietly, careful not to wake your fellow teammates and made your way to the door, not realizing one of the other beds was also empty.

Pabu was different after the sun had set. Unlike the bustling and lively sounds of the villagers going about their day in the afternoon; the island at night was ruled by a cool sea breeze and the chirping of bugs in the trees and grass. Making your way through the narrow pathways within the settlement, you could only see a few dim lights still on. However, the sky above your head sufficiently made up for the lack of lighting. Even in your travels with Clone Force 99 you had rarely seen so many stars so clearly; at least not from a planet's surface. One would think it was easy to get tired of the view if you spent a considerable amount of time travelling the galaxy in a spaceship, but it was different to look up at them from below. Suddenly they were not millions of worlds and systems filled with life; but instead they became a comforting blanket of lights over your head that seemed to signal to you that things were going to be okay.

You made your way over to a small nook not too far away from where your new domicile was. Here the lanterns were still on and the vines and flowers that were winding around the railing and surrounding pillars made for a soothing atmosphere. From here you could see lower Pabu in all its glory, however you mused that there probably wasn't much to look at in the dead of night.

To your surprise, the spot you were planning to occupy as you'd look out onto the ocean for a while was already taken by a familiar face. You had only seen the back of his head, but you recognized him immediately from the scars and the trembling hands.

Crosshair's head turned to you instantly as soon as he heard you come closer; looking at you like a fragile animal backed into a corner. You supposed after all he had been through, you couldn't blame him to be startled when something or someone approached him in the dark. A few seconds after, he seemed to remember where he was and took a deep breath after realizing it was merely you who was walking towards him. He turned his head back towards the ocean, loosely settling his arms on the railing.

Spending any free time training and spending his nights sleepless had become part of his routine. So unless you went on a mission, you didn't really see him much during the day aside from the times where he got into his bunk or made himself some food. A pity, as you thought. You would have loved to be around him more.

You didn't really understand why you liked him that much. After all, having joined the team after Clone Force 99 had left Kamino, you didn't exactly know him as anything but an imperial soldier who didn't care if you lived or died. Things had changed, yes, and you felt as though the two of you had gotten closer, but the fact remained that he was often cold and brushed you off when you tried to spend time with him.

But something seemed different about him tonight. You could tell. He seemed... tired; worn-out even.

"Hey there, sunshine. How're you? Adjusting to island life?", you tried to make conversation, still hoping your casual demeanor would eventually break through his icy defenses. "Doesn't look like it but one can hope."

He scoffed at the silly nickname you had given him all the way back during the destruction of Kamino. It was the furthest thing from accurate, which is exactly why you had decided to add it to your cynic responses whenever he brought the mood down or complained.

Crosshair rolled his eyes. "I'm adjusting just fine", he growled, folding his arms over his chest. "What are you doing up?"

From the tone of his voice, you couldn't tell whether he was genuinely interested or just disturbed by your company.

"Just thinking. Taking a walk."

Crosshair nodded. "Welcome to the club", he responded, a bitter tone lacing his voice which hinted towards the fact that his experience being here was unfortunately not a peaceful nighttime walk. You had guessed as much already, but he kept involuntarily reaffirming you in that presumption with his reactions. He was tired, which you had noticed made him more expressive. He probably couldn't even tell how easily you saw through him at the moment.

"Can't sleep?", he then asked.

"I'm actually sleepwalking, can't you tell?", you said sarcastically, which made the sniper raise a tired eyebrow at your comment, his expression still stoic and his annoyance growing.

"Hilarious", he responded dryly without looking into your eyes.

"I could have slept, but I have instead decided to make it my personal mission to brighten up your life with my presence", you teased and winked. Crosshair rolled his eyes once more.

"And how exactly are you planning to do that?", he replied, a hint of irritation in his tone. Though, he couldn't deny it was better to put up with your teasing than to be alone right now. With solitude came the memories of his imprisonment on Tantiss and the horrors he had been put through.

"Well first I need to find out if there's anything in this life that brings you joy", you explained which made him let out an annoyed sigh. "As it seems, I am doing this on a heightened difficulty level."

Crosshair paused. It was true that there was not much to smile about in his life. Not a lot that brought him happiness, if anything at all. He never thought about it either. He wasn't made to be happy. He was created for battle with the purpose of winning a war. His makers didn't care whether he was happy or not, so why should he? But now he was here, far away from the life he had known and he felt more lost than he ever had. Perhaps this was precisely why he hesitated so much to leave the empire. If he defied the very purpose of his existence, then what was the point of his life? Why was he even still living? There had to be something that made him want to exist, right? Otherwise he wouldn't be trying so hard.

The structures and laws that had held him within their familiar grasp since childhood had collapsed and given way to a nauseating journey into the unknown that he felt far from ready for.

He looked at your hopeful expression when you had stated you wanted to bring more joy into his life and he had to realize that even if he tried, he didn't find any satisfying answer to give you.

So he opted for letting out a humorless chuckle. "Yeah. Good luck with that."

"Thanks, I'm gonna need it", you mouthed quietly in light of his attitude.

Crosshair didn't want to admit that he began to enjoy the banter with you, sad as the topic of conversation was. His eyes fell onto his trembling hand and he let out a sigh. This was one of the reasons he couldn't sleep at night and he wished he could just make it stop. He had tried everything from just clenching his fists harder to punching a wall in frustration. His shaking fingers didn't go unnoticed.

"So. What's up with your hand?"

Your expression had gotten more serious; concerned even. You weren't the first one to have noticed it or bring it up; you knew Hunter and Omega had tried to address it multiple times in the past, but you hoped that maybe whatever state Crosshair was in right now made him more willing to communicate.

He tensed up slightly when you brought it up. He looked down at it once more as if for some reason he could now stop it from trembling. Of course his efforts were in vain. He gritted his teeth and clenched his fists around the railing to keep his hands steady.

"Nothing", he responded coldly, hoping these were the final words he had to say on the matter. He should have known by now that you never gave up that easily.

"Doesn't look like nothing. Have you seen a medic yet?"

He bristled at your questioning. He didn't like being fussed over, let alone asked about his hand.

"I don't need to", he snapped in response. "It's just a-... it'll pass."

You weren't convinced. Not with the way he hesitated and seemed to stumble over his words when he had answered your question. He seemed almost embarrassed about the hand, hoping people would just stop paying any mind to it.

"You should see one", you sighed, looking into his eyes before giving him a small smirk. "Or you'll have to make do with me."

Crosshair couldn't deny that he was a little amused at your baseless threat, though he didn't show it on his face. "And what are you gonna do? Kiss it better?" He said this cynically, with nothing hinting towards him seriously suggesting this, but you couldn't help but smile at the idea.

"Tempting, but I don't think it's that easy of a fix", you winked and sighed, reaching for your pocket. Crosshair's eyes followed your hands suspiciously as you pulled something out and tried to give it to him. "Here. Try this."

Crosshair eyed the thinly wrapped candy with a mix of confusion and irritation. "A lollipop? Really?", his expression darkened and his tone was annoyed as he was sure you were messing with him. "What's this for? I'm not a child."

"Cut the attitude, sunshine", you rolled your eyes and once more tried to hand it to him. "Just trust me."

Crosshair sighed in defeat and begrudgingly took the lollipop from your hand, still eyeing with with a load of skepticism. At this point you were presuming he thought you were intending to poison him. He reminded you a lot of Echo when you tried to offer him anything.

You watched as Crosshair removed the wrapper and popped the candy into his mouth, beginning to twirl it between his lips. "There. Happy?", he asked.

"Hmm", you hum in response, waiting for the taste to set in.

Crosshair's eyes widened as the burning flavor hit his senses. He wasn't an expert in candy, never really liked it, but he knew it definitely wasn't supposed to be spicy. "What the fuck?", he growled, coughing slightly.

"Keep at it, soldier", you rolled your eyes at his steady level of distrust, "my doctor used to say if the medicine tastes good, it's bloody useless."

Crosshair sighed in response, but continued to suck on the lollipop, trying not to get too irritated by the burning sensation that was overwhelming his taste buds. He looked at you observing him with curiousity and frowned. "This is ridiculous", he muttered.

"Really? I beg to differ", you responded dryly and gestured towards his hand. He glanced down at it and to his surprise it was still, having stopped the relentless trembling. Out of all the solutions he had gone over in his head, "spicy lollipop" definitely wasn't on the list. "That's... how?", he asked curiously, looking back up at you. His eyes narrowed slightly in suspicion.

"The taste is so penetrating that it forces your brain to focus on it and shift your attention to the present, whether you want it or not", you explained calmly. "That's what it was designed for. So I suppose my suspicions were correct."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

You nodded towards his hand. "Means it's mental."

He tensed up, slightly uncomfortable with the turn of the conversation. "I don't know what you're talking about", he spat, trying to shut down the topic. He was unsuccessful.

Crosshair had known for a while. He tried his best to convince himself that the shaking hand was merely an injury. He was familiar with injuries. Knew how to manage with them. This was different. It felt foreign and made him unsure of what to do about it. He certainly didn't want anyone else to know. He hated the thought of being weak; being vulnerable. That was unbefitting of a soldier.

You sighed. "Crosshair", you paused for a moment, studying his expression. He looked at you again as if he was worried you'd lunge at him to attack him any moment now. "This is a temporary fix. I can give these to you and I suggest you save them for battle when you need it. But that won't take care of the root problem. You still need to put in the work."

He bit his lip, his expression turning defensive. He hated this. Hated how observant you were and how you saw right through him. "What, so you're gonna play shrink now too?", he snapped back.

"I'm all you can afford", you teased and gave him a wink, "don't tell the other patients but you're kind of my favorite."

Crosshair rolled his eyes, trying to hide the fact that your words made his heart beat fast. He knew you were joking, but a part of him couldn't help but hope there was some truth to your words. He wanted this; wanted to be special to someone. The Empire had shown him how replaceable and insignificant he was, they had ripped his purpose from him and left him with nothing but an emptiness in his chest and memories that haunted him every night. He was scared of how much he craved to be needed. To have a purpose again; mean something to someone. He noticed it when Omega had depended on him for their escape, when Batcher sought out his presence and he noticed it now with you as well. Part of him, shockingly, was ready to throw himself into anything that made him feel like this. Nothing scared him more than that. He knew he had to be careful, lest he'd end up getting hurt. So he just glanced up to you with an indifferent expression. "...You're insufferable, you know that right?"

You just shrugged. "You're the one who's into that."

Crosshair's eyes widened slightly at your blunt statement, caught off guard by the audacity of it. "I am not into that," he protested, but his voice lacked conviction.

"Sure, if that helps you sleep at night, sunshine", you smirked at him.

Crosshair cursed the way you made him feel. The way you knew exactly what buttons to push to get a reaction out of him. He grumbled quietly. "...Shut up."

You just sent him an amused glare, but chose not to press any further. The two of you stood there in silence for a while, looking up at the stars together. Crosshair couldn't help but wonder how you knew so much about his condition. He was a naturally guarded person and it was rare for him to open up about his weaknesses. He had tried so many things to stop his hand from shaking and you somehow knew exactly what he needed and were ready to look out for him. He glanced over at you.

"How do you know so much about this stuff?" He asked, his tone gruff. He gestured towards his hand.

You paused for a moment. "Do you think you're the only person in the galaxy who's had to deal with this?", you sigh, "I had my fair share of troubles."

Crosshair raised an eyebrow at your statement, somewhat caught off guard. He had assumed you lived a life of carefree bliss, given your usually cheerful, laid-back demeanor.

"You? You've got troubles?" He said, a hint of skepticism in his tone.

"Had. Plenty of 'em", you turned head to look into his eyes, "but I made it past. You will too. I fully believe that."

Crosshair met your gaze, a mix of surprise and vulnerability in his eyes. Few had ever spoken to him with such unwavering belief in him, Omega was really the only one who came to mind. He wondered how the two of you did it, given how little faith he currently had in himself; his hands unsteady from the horrors on his mind and his heart wrecked with guilt.

"You make it sound easy," he mumbled, looking down at his hands.

"It gets easier", you shrugged. "Takes a lot of patience and dedication though. But I think you've got plenty of that. Well, dedication. Patience probably not so much." You let out a light chuckle.

Crosshair laughed in response to your comment, knowing full well that you were right about it. "Yeah, patience has never really been my strong suit," he admitted.

Your eyes widened. "Oh my god, was that a laugh? I didn't know you could do that!", you exclaimed excitedly.

Crosshair rolled his eyes at your fascination with his expressions.. "Save it," he said, trying to suppress the small smile that was tugging at the corners of his mouth.

You looked at him with a soft smile on your face, savoring this moment. This was, after all, a side of him that you didn't get to see very often. If at all.

"Your smile's pretty", you remarked, lost in thoughts.

The statement caught Crosshair off-guard and he felt a heat creeping up his cheeks. No one had ever said anything like this to him before. He quickly averted his gaze, trying to regain his composure, but you could clearly tell he was flustered.

"You're messing with me," he muttered, but there was no annoyance behind it this time.

"Sunshine, I would never mess with you", you insisted before correcting yourself. "Okay actually I mess with you a lot. But I don't lie. Except about the whole medic schtick, the closest thing I have to a qualification is a 'thank you' carved into a melon by one of the Pabu kids after I gave her a cough drop."

Despite Crosshair's gruff exterior, he found himself chuckling involuntarily at your words. "You are unbelievable, you know that?" he said, a hint of amusement in his tone.

"Oh come on, what's a certificate nowadays? You can't tell me Hemlock is a real doctor." You felt bad immediately when you noticed his hand shake again at the mention of the man who had tortured him.

Crosshair's expression darkened at the mention of him. His gaze dropped to his shaking hand, the memories of his torture flooding back into his mind. He clenched his teeth, fighting to maintain his composure.

"Don't talk about him," he said through gritted teeth, his voice quieter than usual.

"Right. Sorry", you bit your lip, pondering what you could add to make up for your insensitive remark.

Crosshair took a deep breath, trying to push the memories aside. He didn't want to be reminded of his time on Tantiss. It was a dark chapter of his life that he was trying desperately to move on from.

He glanced up at you, his expression softening slightly upon seeing your guilt-ridden face. "It's fine," he mumbled. He hesitated for a moment before reaching out to ask you something that had been on his mind for a while. "Given that you know so much about... all this. What do you suppose I do from here on out?"

Crosshair wasn't usually the type to ask for advice. But given that you had already seen through his act and realized the cause of his agony, he might as well make the best of it.

You sighed. "Don't try to force it to get better. I've seen the way you wear yourself out by training everyday. Getting more and more frustrated everytime you miss a target." Crosshair supposed he could see how that might have been counter-productive. "Give yourself time. And be kinder to yourself. No one's expecting you to just move on after everything you've been through. I know you feel like you have to make up for everything by contributing as much as you can to the team. I know you feel guilty about Tech." His heart stung at the mention of his lost brother.

"But shame will only make it worse", you lectured him. "Just work through it... at your own pace, however long that's going to take."

"Maybe I'll just have to live with it", Crosshair replied with a bitter tone, moving his shaking right hand to clench his even more trembling left hand.

You shook your head. "It'll get better. Trust me."

"I doubt that", he let out a dry laugh, throwing the rest of his finished lollipop over the railing, "I used to be able to hit pretty much every target. Now I can barely keep my hands steady."

You could tell how much he beat himself up over this. All remnants of your joking demeanor had left your face and your expression softened as you removed his left hand from his basically painful grasp and gently took it into your own, linking your fingers with his. "Then I will keep it steady until you can", you promised, your voice laced with a patience Crosshair thought he could have only dreamed of; one he didn't think he deserved.

His breath hitched in his throat. No one had ever touched him like this before, with such tenderness and care. He watched as you traced the back of his hand with your thumb, his gaze fixed on your touch.

"You look like you've never seen affection in your life", you chuckled quietly.

Crosshair's eyes widened slightly, and he felt a pang in his chest. He didn't know how to react to your comment because it was painfully true. He had spent his whole life as a soldier, most of the touch he had seen had been violence in battle. Affection was a concept he was barely familiar with.

He let out a shaky breath, his gaze still fixed on your touch on his hand. "Yeah, you could say that," he mumbled. "Though, I've involuntarily been pulled into quite a few of Wrecker's group hugs."

You laughed. "Yeah that sounds like Wrecker." You paused for a moment, looking into his eyes. "You know, if you ever need to talk, I'm here for you."

Crosshair felt a strange mix of emotions coursing through him at your offer. On one hand, his instinct was to push you away and maintain his tough facade. On the other hand, a part of him secretly yearned for someone to talk to, someone who understood what he was going through.

He swallowed, his eyes still fixed on your touch, before meeting your gaze. "Yeah...I'll keep that in mind," he murmured, his voice quiet. He gestured towards you holding his hand. "That also one of your miracle remedies?"

You smirked. "Just one of the many skills a professional such as myself has to offer. Though I can still kiss it better if you want me to."

Crosshair felt his cheeks flush at your offer, and he quickly tried to cover it up with a scoff. Despite his gruff exterior, he was clearly flustered by your words.

He rolled his eyes, trying to maintain his nonchalant facade. "Yeah, right. As if that would work."

He had to admit, the thought of kissing you made his heart race just a little. He quickly pushed that thought aside, not wanting to show his vulnerability.

You shrugged. "It probably won't fix your hand but maybe it'll make you less cranky", you gave him a challenging smirk.

Crosshair decided to ignore the part about him being cranky. "You really believe that?", he raised an eyebrow at you, being slightly amused internally.

"Well I said maybe. It's a hypothesis. We'd have to test it to know more."

Crosshair swallowed, his heart rate picking up speed. He shouldn't be considering this. He should push you away, keep a distance. But something in your eyes made it impossible. He sighed, trying to keep his cool. "Fine," he mumbled, his voice a little huskier than he intended and barely audible. Fortunately, you still heard it.

"What was that?"

"Don't make me repeat myself."

You chuckled quietly before guiding him closer, wrapping an arm around his waist. Crosshair flinched at your touch, terrified you'd back away and ridicule him. But the fear faded as soon as he looked into your eyes again. Gone were the hints of your teasing and instead your smirk was replaced by a soft smile that made him feel safe; like you'd be as patient with him as he needed you to be. Like you'd never hurt him, no matter what.

He felt you cup his cheek with your free hand, this time melting into your touch immediately. Crosshair felt himself relaxing into your embrace, even if his heart was still beating wildly. He felt your breath on his lips and you still looked at him, scanning his expression for signs of resistance; making really sure that he was okay with this.

Crosshair moved closer, his lips ghosting over your own. You closed your eyes and took the initiative, taking a soft peck at his lips before pulling him into another, this time much deeper kiss. You could feel Crosshair's lip trembling as he sighed into the kiss. The spicy taste of the lollipop still lingered on his tongue, but it didn't bother you much. Your thumbs wiped away the tears that were running down his cheek as he was overwhelmed by your affections.

Crosshair found himself lost in the sensation, all his previous reservations melting away. For the first time in a long time, he felt truly at ease. You kissed him over and over again, softly, as though you feared he was going to break. The former soldier felt like he should be offended, but he couldn't deny that he was fond of it; even needed it. You were careful with him. He liked that.

Your lips eventually parted from his and you pressed a soft kiss to his cheek before pulling him into a tight hug, your head resting on his shoulder. You loved him. He could tell. He knew he'd probably start doubting it again tomorrow but in this moment he just knew.

You could feel him tremble in your embrace and waited for him to calm down before loosening it, resting your head on his chest and looking out onto the ocean again. You remained like this for a while, Crosshair resting his chin on your head, his eyes still closed. He started to feel drowsy.

"So, what now? Do you plan on staying on Pabu? After all of this is over I mean", he asked quietly, opening his eyes and noting the first hints of a sunrise in the distance.

"I don't know", you answered honestly, gazing at the horizon. "There's so much I still want to see in this galaxy. I'm not sure if I can spend the rest of my life in one place..." He nodded. It was different for him but he supposed he could understand. After all, you were never sent from planet to planet into battle like he was. Still, his heart ached at the idea of letting you go. Somehow, it seemed as though you could tell. "But don't worry, I'll visit you like, all the time", you added and pressed another quick kiss to his lips, which seemed to calm him. "How about you? You were raised in a lab, there's got to be something you want to see out there right?"

He thought for a moment. "I suppose. Before the empire, me and the others were sent to a planet once in the dead of winter and the locals told us about what spring was like there. It sounded... interesting. I guess I'd like to go back there one day... see it for myself." He never expected himself to say something like this. To plan something for his future that didn't serve someone else's expectations. But you brought that out in him.

You heard Crosshair yawn and gently ran your fingers up and down his back. "Maybe it's time you caught up on some sleep. Both of us really", you remarked and he nodded, following you back to your domicile. "Maybe we could see it together sometime. That planet you talked about."

Crosshair liked that suggestion. He nodded and placed his hand on your back, letting it rest there for the remainder of your walk.

You nodded towards the tall mountain that was Pabu. "For the time being, I can show you around the Coconut Republic tomorrow", you suggested.

"Please stop calling it that."

You woke up way too early for your own liking. At least, early given that you went to bed at sunrise. Your eyes fell onto Crosshair, who had passed out in your arms immediately after getting back to the bunks. You supposed all the worries that had plagued his mind had eventually tired him out. You smiled at him, pressing a kiss to his forehead. You could feel his body rise and fall with his soft breathing. He looked so peaceful like this; way different from the Crosshair you were used to.

He only started to wake up after Hunter and the others had already left their bunks. Since you didn't have any plans for today, they decided to let you catch up on your sleep.

When Crosshair began to wake from his slumber, he instinctively pressed a light kiss to your neck. You weren't even sure whether he was aware that he did this or not. "Good morning", you whispered and chuckled lightly, guiding his chin up with your finger to press a kiss to his lips.

He groaned, holding his head. "The others get up already?", he asked, mumbling without opening his eyes.

"Hmm", you confirmed.

"They're never going to let me live this down, are they?"

You let out a laugh. "I doubt it. Wrecker specifically looked like he had the time of his life."

"Ugh", he groaned and buried his face in your neck again. "Lucky me."

You chuckled as he sighed and continued holding onto him, feeling Crosshair drifting off to sleep again. You covered his back with the blanket and he snuggled into you again.

You supposed it wouldn't hurt to stay like this for a little longer.

[deathlooksgoodonyou-if]

FAQ

The long awaited faq is here! All your asked and unasked questions at one place! I was planning on posting this after releasing the demo but I realised things here can be a somewhat puzzling for new readers. Hence, here we are. I'll just keep updating this as we move forward.

Most of the questions I have received have been related to character dynamics haha.

Warning : this is super long.

The romance and character dynamics.

1. Are we romancing a ghost here?

No. Opportunities to romance Jules take place in the past. Some of them in the form of flashbacks. A few chapters will be dedicated solely in the past for a better understanding of MC and Jules' unhealthy relationship and what took place between them.

2. Why is a dead person an RO?

I have been hesitant of labelling Jules as full fledged RO since the beginning. I have now settled for the term 'semi RO' since the MC can choose to never move on from Jules or healthily accept their death but choose to never settle for another person etc.

3. Is romancing Jules' necessary?

Not at all. But the MC will always be a close confidant of Jules. Other ros and characters' disposition towards you changes depending on your relationship with Jules. In fact, most routes— including Jules— are easier if the MC's relationship with Jules is solely platonic.

4. How do the character dynamics change?

That would be spoilers, but I can give you a few hints. Some ros would be hesitant of romancing the MC, most would feel insecure— especially if the MC seems hung up on Jules. MC can romance an ro, only to use them as a rebound. You can choose to go for the twin solely for the reason she is similar to Jules' in appearance and use her as an anchor. :))

5. How did Jules and MC's friendship/relationship develop?

You'll find out!

6. What was Dylan and Jules' relationship like?

Summarising it in one word— disastrous!

7. Do I have to care about Jules and be affected by their death?

The MC can be indifferent to anything regarding Jules' in the present but they will always be somewhat affected by their death. HOWEVER, you will get to choose why you were affected in the later chapters. There are plot reasons for that, trust me.

As for the past, the MC will be forced to care about Jules'. That is something which is set. Sorry about that. You can choose to change your disposition towards Jules after Dylan enters the picture.

8. So, warren has a crush on the MC. My MC is not into men. Can that somehow change?

No, sorry. Feelings are not something anyone can control but I can assure you Warren will never make a move on the MC (unless you trigger his romance route) because he would never want to put them in an uncomfortable position. He is a considerate friend of the MC before anything else.

There have been no romantic undertones in MC and Warren's friendship prior to the story taking place— despite of the MC being aware of his feelings. You can choose why. :)

I am planning on writing a serious conversation between warren and mc's who are not into men. But I don't want it to turn out too painfully awkward either. Although, even if it did, it would make sense and be in character but... I am not sure. I guess, we will have to see. I don't want to write something that will make my readers uncomfortable and be done with it. Maybe I will take advice from my audience. :))

9. What was Jules and MC's relationship?

Situationship, if romanced. Otherwise, a codependent friendship.

10. Hold up. Then, why is Dylan Jules' ex?

Jules and MC met before Jules entered into a relationship with Dylan. Romanced!Jules dated Dylan to push the MC away and also in hopes of getting rid of their feelings for the MC. You can choose to get jealous, take it as the biggest betrayal in history or immediately lose feelings for them. :)

11. I hope the MC won't be forced to be pathetic for Jules while they refuse to put a label on their relationship and get a whole ass boyfriend.

No, not at all. You can care about Jules while also giving them hell for acting selfishly.

They realise their mistakes whether MC points it out or not.

12. I don't like Jules' romance route.

Please understand Jules is a very conflicted individual due to their upbringing and being with them can be difficult at times. It is a toxic and doomed romance trope for a reason. If that is not your cup tea then Jules romance is simply not for you. You can romance the very much alive ros and if none of them appeal to you then maybe— the romance in this story is not you.

13. I don't like [this] OR [this] is problematic.

I would like for you to consider if it is a personal preference or an issue in the writing. Some things are problematic on purpose. Especially, if you're romancing certain ros. :)

14. Regarding MC's disposition towards certain characters.

As it is evident from the intro post, the MC has a set view of some characters. That can, however, change from Episode One. You don't have to worry about this. :)

15. Are there any love triangles?

I was asked this before and my answer was no. A love triangle, in a game, for me is when both character B and C have an equal chance of getting together with A. With what I have planned that is not the case. The MC doesn't have to worry about any competition and you don't have two ros vying for attention either here. So, I'll leave this one to you guys.

1. MC, Jules and Dylan.

2. Not revealing the characters involved because that would be spoilers. :)

16. Are there any Poly routes?

No, sorry. Most ros have beef with each other. Also, too many variables. This is my first time writing interactive fiction and I don't want to get too ambitious or overestimate myself. Maybe I'll give it a try in the future. I hope that's okay.

17. Do the ros experience jealousy? Can the MC get jealous?

Yes and yes.

18. Are there any explicit scenes?

Yes. At least one for every RO.

19. ROs sexuality?

They are all playersexual.

Stats.

1. Sanity.

Some present time choices— general and some specific ones regarding Jules— will affect mc's sanity. They will notice things most don't. They may begin to act out of the player's control. Character interactions and dynamics will drastically shift. So will the MC's inner monologue.

2. Major Stats.

Earlier, I had planned for the MC's strengths and weaknesses to be based on their major but I realised doing that would be stupid and make no real sense. Hence, I have decided to scratch off that idea. I am going for persuasion, deception, athleticism, intellect instead.

You shouldn't have to worry too much about stat checks since the story is more choices & relationship focused.

3. Roll the dice mechanism.

Now, just because you're good at something doesn't mean you have achieved perfection and will always succeed no matter what. Similarly, just because you're not the best at something doesn't mean you won't be able to succeed. A little luck goes a long way.

This one is huge maybe though. :))

[this feature can be turned on/off during the beginning and the stats screen!]

4. Personality stats.

Anxious/Assured

Impulsive/Methodical

Outspoken/Reserved

They will mostly be used for flavour text only.

The MC.

1. Character customisation.

DLGOY covers the basics but I am open for suggestions. I like more customisation only if it comes up again in the story. :))

2. Insecurities.

The MC can be insecure about themselves and their physical appearance (only if the player chooses to). It doesn't mean that they are not attractive— just how they view themselves. This will be brought up in the story at times. MC can open up about it to the ros :)

3. Unreliabe narrator.

What the title clearly suggests.

Story structure.

The story will switch between two timelines. The past and the present. The former focuses on MC's childhood and relationship with Jules.

General.

1. Why has my ask not been answered yet?

I am getting to it! I tend to edit them a lot, so it may take some time. Please be patient. <3

2. Where to submit bug reports?

Send an ask!

3. Feedback?

I am open to suggestions and criticism as long as it is polite. I listen to them all but I don't promise to implement everything!

4. Is this a standalone or a series?

Standalone!

[bengiyo]

Love Sea Ep 2 Stray Thoughts

Last week, Tongrak, a successful romance author, was sent by his friends to an island to relax and work on his next novel. Unfortunately, Tongrak was a complete asshole about this, and took that out on his host, Mahasamut, who seems fully equipped to deal with a spoiled rich kid from Bangkok. Tongrak apparently needs to have sex to work through the scene he needs to write, and is also clearly interested in Mut. We left at Mut accidentally scaring Rak and trying to take care of him.

Lol, I love them opening up with voiceover reaffirming that Rak wants to fuck Mut. This is not one sided.

As charged as that was, sex on a beach is grimy!

Chapter 2: Echoes Across the Endless Blue

Oh right, Mook has to change a light bulb.

Rak is being so dramatic about a scratch.

"This isn't a bad," and, "Open your mouth," and, "Not your turn," are sending me.

Head on the beach in episode 2? Finally, adult gay representation in BL.

I'm with Mut! I would be annoyed as hell if my partner wanted to stop and immediately begin writing as things were getting good.

Man, this apartment gets used semi regularly now for the shows.

Wow, MAME is giving ass now.

Well, I'll give them points for mentioning the condoms, but docking several for using teeth.

Don't act like you ain't have a great time, Rak. I saw those expressions.

Rak is so consistently rude! He's even rude about the social politics of sex! Mut even offered to help with cleanup.

I wonder how long Vie has been crushing on Mook, because she's clearly enjoying having someone like Mook around.

They made this boy play the exposition gossip two shows in a row.

I do love the way Mut is rolling with Rak's aggressive behavior. If the rich guest is sprung and throwing money you already said he didn't need to throw at you, then by all means.

Well well well. Rak showed some consideration there about how public he's being with Mut. I like knowing that Mut is out and still carries so much respect in his community. But also, you gotta know how much you can get away with and where you can do it.

My man got locals jumping into conversations to gas him up. Respect. It's hard when tourism is a big part of your economy, because the finance class does not share.

A queer man kicked out of the home by his dad who has worked hard to build his place in his community? No choice but to stan.

Oh boy, when the writer is the executive producer and the director, they can include a romance author as a lead character to speak to their detractors.

Yes, please eat before more flies show up.

MAME characters are so interesting in that they'll go out of their way to set two people up, and then be damned sure they explain their baggage to each other.

Why would this man jump into the ocean on his own like that?

Whoa, what about this location triggered all this trauma? Seems like he has a friend who got abandoned with a pregnancy, and that connected to his mom's issues with his dad?

Are we gonna end every episode on the boat after a flash of trauma?

A romance novelist who doesn't believe in love. I am invested.

Those reveals came fast at the end, but at least we're seeing where the transactional presumptions around sexual loyalty may have come from with Rak. I like that Mut takes the money in stride, and was plain about how hard the hustle is for local businesses on this island. I'm also so relieved that we have adult, out characters discussing how public they can afford to be with their flirting. There's too much Thai BL in the bubble right now and failing at it. I'm really enjoying this.

[lcvclywon]

HIATUS ANNOUNCEMENT

hi everyone!! erm this isn’t my normal stuff but i’ve been thinking about this for a while and after a lot of consideration i’ve decided i’m gonna stop writing and being on enha blr as whole. theres some personal reasons behind it but in short when i joined enha blr i wasn’t in the best state of mind and used writing as an outlet, being on blr really helped with my healing overall and i’m happy to say i am feeling better and more like myself!

im always gonna be eternally grateful for the community ive grown to be apart of on blr, it was probably the best thing that came out of this whole experience. i love all my moots so so much and they’ll always hold a special place in my heart seriously. without them i probably wouldnt have made it this far. i also am extremely grateful for all of u guys, like seriously i reached 800 recently and it’s so so shocking to me how much ive grown bc of a silly hobby.

and in all honesty after coming back from my semi hiatus i realised i don’t have the same spark for writing as i did before. it sucks but i feel like im forcing myself to write when i really don’t have the energy for it. i’ll always love reading and writing but for now i think i’ll be taking a break.

tldr i guess is that ive just lost a lot of motivation for writing and being on blr in general. so this is an announcement for an indefinite hiatus, but in all honesty i’m reallt not too sure if i’ll be back. thanku all for everything and all the support tho i seriously mean it, lcvclywon will forever hold a place in my heart 💗

tagging a few of my moots

@junislqve @cupidhoons @dioll @copyhanni @jongocat @jwsdoll @ohmydollie @jlheon @antoncyng @flwrstqr @floweryang @bywons @atrirose @wonfilms @okwonyo @onlyjjong @en-gelic @hyeinism @sainns @saursoob @nwjws

[soleminisanction]

Issue 6 of "The Saga of the Super Sons" answers an important question: where the fuck has Dick been in this scenario?

Answer, apparently: At college.

Which is... where Bruce Junior is supposed to be. Bruce Junior, whose mother Bruce almost certainly met years after he took Dick in as a ward. Bruce Junior, who appears to be younger than Dick, but not by that much.

If you came at a Silver or Bronze Age writer with today's modern "but why is this character still 17" bullshit, I think they'd laugh directly in your face.

By the by, Dick is here because Bruce has been murdered.

I guess some things never change.

This does present an amusing comparison with the more modern takes on the subject like Prodigal/Knightfall, Gotham Knights (the game) and Battle for the Cowl, because here the boys treat Batman like something they expect to be left to one of them in Bruce's legal, actual will, like the one read out loud by his lawyer, implying the lawyer would be in on the whole secret identity thing.

When that obviously doesn't happen they come to an agreement to both... team up? But also compete? To find out who murdered Bruce, and whoever does the actual uncovering wins the cowl. This, for... reasons involves seal hunting in the Arctic and, ah... northern Native people. Which means a lot of use of a certain slur that all Natives in that biome used to (and still do) get lumped under, which I shall endeavor to write around but just know, there's a lot of it. Like, a lot. A loooooot.

Less awkwardly, check out what Dick Dillin apparently thought a killer whale looked like:

Hell, look at those mildly demonic black seals. I know this was pre-Internet dude but you could've gone to your local library. Or picked up a Seaworld ad.

Another thing that apparently never changes: Super-Sons comics insisting that only blood relatives count as "real" children.

To be fair, I wasn't actually expecting to see Dick referred to as Bruce's son at all in this. And Bruce Jr. is the only one who says this, and he's pretty consistently portrayed as the more immature and bratty one in this equation, so it doesn't really feel like the story is "agreeing" with him, it's just an interesting parallel.

Of course, because this is the 70s, they don't have any consideration for things like tactical costume changes or the realities of being mostly normal guys in the Arctic. So, though the boys arrive wearing sensible parkas, once they change into their superhero costumes Dick is just, snow shoeing through the tundra and water skiing behind a seal in his short sleeves and bare legs.

You'll probably be grateful to hear that the white industrial seal hunter is in fact the bad guy of this story -- this is actually one of the more cohesive stories in the saga so far in that regard. Simon Link was exploiting the land by killing too many seals, and then massacred part of the native village when they fought back trying to stop him, so this man Malook wanted to kill him. But, unable to find him and unable to get the white authorities to listen to him, he instead traveled to America to target his business partner, Bruce Wayne.

Bruce Junior is appalled by the accusations but, interestingly, Dick is willing to hear the guy out. When Link's crime is exposed (with the help of the Supers Senior and Junior, natch), he tries to escape across the ice.... disguised as a seal... aaaaand...

Huh. Okay then. Justice is served, I guess.

Oh also Bruce Senior's still alive.

I mean... good on you for realizing the need to make amends for funding exploitative colonialism, Brucie-boy, but did you have to do it in a way that put your son through the exact same trauma you went through? Complete with the murder mystery dinner theater death scene?

Not to mention your poor wife, do you know how much shit you two have put her through in the last however long it's been?? Junior faked his death complete with a full funeral in the first issue of the saga and now you're doing the same thing! If you actually did marry Talia she'll gut you both the next time she sees you and probably Dick too just because she's never liked him.

Anyway, for a parting shot, check out the image they used to advertise this story on the cover, it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Beware the Ominous Pixie Boot!

[drizztdohurtin]

Can you write headcanons for Nere (or drow men in general) about pursuing a relationship with a human and becoming more comfortable at being submissive with no pressure or violence from said partner? Basically I just want that bratty bastard to get a chance at healing

Hey anon! So I tried writing this so many times and ended up deciding that I'm going to answer this request here by talking about drow men in general, and then do a separate post for Nere that will be up tomorrow!

There's so much nuance when talking about Drow! I'm so obsessed with writing about it, I end up discussing so much that I have to break everything up for organization and simplicity. So let's go ahead and start with this idea in general.

I know you asked for it to be with a human partner, but I'd like to make it more broad because in the end, it's not going to matter what race their partner is if they're not a drow.

This isn't going to be super specific either, just a big accumulation of my thoughts about all this! <3

Thoughts on Drow Men and Submitting to a Non-Drow Partner

[ masterlist ] [ wip list ]

pairing: Drow Men x gn!Reader

Content Warnings: NSFW concepts under the cut (non-explicit), discussion of noncon activity in Lolthian cities

What to expect: above the cut: nuance and Surface drow exploration below the cut: brief NSFW discussion, this is where the CW comes into play, brief talk about dom/sub dynamics

Please check out my post about Drow lore, specifically the sections about Lorendrow/Aevendrow/Udadrow and under the cut about Lolthian society. It's helpful to understand their lore before going into this stuff.

Let's get some considerations out of the way first:

All udadrow no matter their gender or who they follow are taught that they are superior to other races and even other drow communities - and I think this is an important piece when talking about this request. Here I'm only going to focus on udadrow men from the Underdark, as it's mostly them that will have the sort of upbringing and understanding of society that this request is concerned with.

I also think it's important to mention that only Lolthites grow up in a matriarchy and are taught that women are far superior to men, who are considered to be near-worthless. The only people that a Lolthite man would see as superiors are Lolthite women - not women of any race - or possibly other drow men in higher positions/stations than them. (See the "edit" above the cut for some more thoughts on Lolthites!)

The udadrow men who leave their respective societies are not all going to be doing so for the same reason, and they're not all going to have the same attitude about it. However, I do think that the ones leaving to come to the surface are almost always going to be good/neutral-aligned and no longer following the evil members of the Dark Seldarine.

Take the famous Drizzt Do'Urden versus Nere, for example: Drizzt flees Lolthian society because of his disdain for it, he (a very well-aligned character) doesn't agree with how the society runs and the cruel things people are subjected to. Because he's so well-aligned, the teachings of superiority and gender inequality do not stick with him as a belief (to summarize him to an absurd amount). Nere, on the other hand, still has a lot of those cruel tendencies and a general sense of superiority over other races even though he no longer follows Lolth during the events of the game (same with Minthara, actually). He likely was offered more power when he was recruited to the Cult of the Absolute, more power than he'd ever have while following Lolth.

So when we're talking about this request within the context of the game, it's far more likely that any drow men you meet are going to be similar to Nere - power-hungry udadrow who were promised greater things if they left their Dark Seldarine god behind - because the entire gameplay revolves around an evil cult, so we're going to find evil people.

However, if we're talking about Forgotten Realms stuff outside of the game, I'd imagine the drow men you're most likely to meet on the surface are ex-Lolthites who are more like Drizzt - leaving the society they grew up in to find a better, more peaceful life on the surface.

Since this is the "drow men in general" post, I'm going to stick to this idea that the drow men you meet are almost always ex-Lolthites who came to the surface for a better life. With that in mind, I'd imagine that the chances of them already being a better person than an average udadrow are going to be really high. They're far less likely to let the taught prejudice against other races follow them out of the Underdark and into their new lives where they know they'll be heavily outnumbered by other races like humans, elves, dwarves, and halflings.

I think another important note is that drow receive a large amount of discrimination and nasty comments from other races, including (or especially) other elves due to their history, and the general notion that drow are evil and come to do horrible things to people. While people on the surface could use common sense and realize that a lone drow on the surface going about their daily lives is probably not evil nor associated with an evil god, that's not always what happens.

Combining all of these thoughts, it's my opinion that it would be highly likely for a drow man you meet on the Surface to be good/neutral-aligned and open to being with all different types of people as long as they're treated well by them! I think what matters the most is what energy this person gives to them, and how well their alignments and beliefs match up.

[EDIT (06.17.2024)]

I wanted to add a little more in here based on some comments I got the first couple days after this was posted.

1) @bramblepatch had a really wonderful comment I got permission to include here for those of you who aren't super familiar with Lolthite drow info:

"It's equally important to recognize that they're taught that everyone outside their own society wants to kill them slowly and painfully. If your drow male is a formally trained wizard or elite warrior, there's a very good chance that he was being fed extremely graphic propaganda as an adolescent on top of the general societal mistrust of outsiders. If he's on the surface voluntarily, he's probably somewhat open to letting surface people prove themselves, but there is going to be that initial suspicion, and that applies tenfold if you have any degree of apparent surface elf ancestry. (OTOH, non-elf surface people probably have an advantage on gaining his trust over deep gnomes or duergar, who have the whole 'ancestral enemies' baggage.)"

They say it perfectly, I have nothing to add!

2) I did remove a sentence further up in this post that said 'a more evil-aligned drow would have no purpose or interest in [going to] the surface because none of their kin dwells there' and a comment I got made a really good point about that! They brought up the surface drow that live in Cormanthor (a large forest on the Surface), House Jaelre and Clan Auzkovyn, who make up 10k+ of the drow that live there. This group mostly follows Vhaeruaun (all of House Jaelre, to my understanding, and a large portion of Clan Auzkovyn) but I believe there were also followers of other gods like Eilistraee.

This is a really interesting group to bring up in the context of this post because they do things differently than the udadrow of the Underdark, despite how they still follow someone who is evil-aligned. I won't get into this group's history, but I think it's important to mention that they are far more open and cooperative with other races, even other elves, than any Underdark udadrow would be (they just reallllly hate Lolthites). Cormanthor is heavily populated with drow, other elves, and half-elves (humans and a few other humanoid races making up the minority percentage), and these groups are known to be quite tolerant of the people not in their clan/house, all things considered.

If you'd like to look into it more, as I'm boiling it all down a crazy amount, this information comes from The Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting which is an official D&D 3rd edition sourcebook that covers the realms up until 1372 DR (120 years before the events of BG3 for those of you who are thinking about this all more in context of the game).

Obviously, the majority of this post more so goes to speak on situations with those that come from the Underdark just because it is my understanding that the drow of Cormanthor are far more open to the other surface races,, so I feel like this request applies more to the Underdark bois :)) But I'm lowkey so excited that they brought this up because I personally LOVE the idea of exploring a relationship with a drow man who comes from Cormanthor!

This is all just to say that discussing stuff about drow on such a large scale can be really nuanced and I have to really generalize, unfortunately. But I'm so happy to talk about this stuff and receive comments like this that open up the discussion even further! And obviously please feel free to mention any corrections that need to be made if I have something blatantly wrong HDFHASDH

[End of edit]

Assuming that being submissive is not something they're already sure they're into when they meet you (bc who knows, maybe some of them come to the Surface already into the idea of being dominated by their partner), becoming comfortable with it might happen a bit quicker than you'd expect.

Like with any relationship that's going to have dom/sub dynamics, trust is important. Once trust is established between you two it should be fairly easy to move into something like that. However, it might be the hardest thing for your partner to overcome, as drow are taught not to trust anyone - so if they spent a long time under those ideas and teachings it may be harder to overcome, even if they've spent a long time on the surface

In Lolthian communities, men are used and disposed of by the women, their enjoyment is not taken into consideration (many of the women get off on the men's torment, actually) - so I think for some of them there'd be considerable pleasure and relief in you taking a real interest in their pleasure during sex, especially when you're being dominant over them. Ensure they know their enjoyment is as important as yours (bonus points if sometimes their enjoyment is more important).

Another thing to take in mind is consent, especially for the ones who might've not been given a choice in their past before leaving the Underdark. Actively asking for consent and checking in on him could go a long way, especially at the beginning of the sexual relationship. Starting things off this way with him could allow him to eventually become comfortable with some of the harder/rougher things you may be into.

There isn't much else to say because I think the majority of it just has to do with communication and respect from both sides. And, of course, it always depends on the person and what their life was like before coming to the surface. Some might be ready fairly quickly to try submitting, but others might take much longer to feel comfortable and will require more building of trust and mutual respect.

Thanks for reading and letting me yap about more drow stuff! Feel free to write in with any more questions! I think I'm going to work on a "drow stuff" masterlist, too :)

[skyartworkzzz]

what do the bishops do in the cult? Are they happy or plotting revenge?

At first their reactions varied from plotting revenge to escaping or overtaking the cult, I think all of them have tried to kill the Lamb at some point xD

But with enough time and the right companies, they eventually learned to like their new home! And even find themselves guilty for what theyve done in the past, each at their own pace and manner

Long texts under the cut for more details! :D

Leshy was probably the less-management one, when he joined he'd break a lot of things and purposefully make the Lamb's life harder, like a kid throwing a tantrum It was only when he was assigned under Beau's care that he chilled out. Beau has always been good with people, so it was no problem for him to figure Leshy out and help him to eventually come to terms with his new home After the getting-used-to's, Leshy became pretty much the chillest out of all the other Bishops. He's fine with living in the cult and honestly enjoys it to an extent, but will obviously never say it aloud xD once threatening people and the Lamb, now befriending / getting acquainted with some of them! He works as a farmer or bartender most of the time

Heket was surprisingly along the same lines of chill. She was definitely unhappy with her situation, but was the most relieved one to be free from the Crowns influence Now able to genuinely experience the taste of food and feel that emptiness inside of her being filled in at last, she quickly learned to like her new home Ofc tho, she never said it, and in fact became much quieter compared to before, since she no longer had the Crowns power to easen up her throat. Now it hurts a lot more to talk, she has to take meds in order to soothe it up and tends to communicate mostly in gestures, stares or acts of service depending on her mood. She also knows sign language! :D She mostly works at the mines or lumberyards, seemingly enjoying to break things apart. The Lamb thinks its her way of "coping" with not being a Bishop anymore lol Out of all the Bishops, shes probably the loneliest, not many have the guts to approach her and Heket tends to like being by herself usually. Sometimes she can be found sulking about with Narinder, the second loneliest out of all the others

Kallamar was likely the most outraged one, since hes been stripped away from the luxuries of being a Bishop like clothings, weapons, jewelries, a nice fancy home. He thought that getting the Crowns back could bring his old life back, not for the sake of power, but the comfort and safety it gave him. Hes definitely the one who has tried scheming against the Lamb many times, still holding his knowledge of weapons and magic in general. But to no surprise, he always failed LOL Kallamar only started calming down once seeing his spouses/disciples in the cult, whom he had tried to get to work with him against the Lamb, but refused or failed still After everything, he'd become depressed, desperately missing when he was taken seriously as an authority figure, but with time his spouses will teach him to like his new life Nowadays he still misses his old life, but is more at peace with being in the cult, especially knowing those he loves and cares about the most are with him (aka his spouses and siblings). Hes the one who will break the most sweat to truly get used to the cult Sometimes he works as a tailor or at the refinery, crafting tends to calm him down and distract him from his thoughts. However, he mostly prefers to be a medic at the Healing Bay, since its one of the few things that remind him of what he once was

Shamura would likely jump from chill to disturbed depending on their mood. Although they believe to be deserving of their punishment, a part of their mind which was considerably overtaken by the Crowns' ideals will sometimes force them to look for a way out or relinquish back the eldritch power, usually against Shamura's will, like voices they'd hear from time to time telling them what to do All in all tho, theyd be the one to try their best to like their new home and even purposefully make themselves miserable out of guilt for their past mistakes, something which the Lamb is either compassionate for or allows them to do due to their own hatred for the Bishops still There'd be many times where Shamura seemed to "sleepwalk" around or found themselves outside the cult without memory of how they got there. Itd be only when they ask the Lamb to become their Disciple that the voices in their head start to quiet down, now being overpowered by the Red Crowns influence Eventually, they become an official Disciple and scribe for the Lamb. Their psychotic episodes will significantly reduce, but still happen from time to time with minor consequences The Lamb often finds themselves questioning whether Shamura is being genuine on what theyve chosen, but is very much compelled to forgive them one day

[swallowerofdharma]

if you feel like sharing them, what are your thoughts on the current state of things between doumeki and yashiro?

Hi, I don’t mind sharing at all, only… I have felt a little disconnected from some comments on Yashiro when the last chapter was released and I wasn’t in the mood to write about it that much after that. From my own point of view, considering the actual amount of time Yashiro and Doumeki spent together after four years apart, things have been moving almost too quickly in between the various encounters that at first they needed to justify as “work related” and now with this new arrangement. They are keeping themselves hidden, they don’t want to show vulnerabilities to each other and they are creating a climate of half truths and deception and caution that is unnerving to say the least. And they are suffering because of that. The control also has shifted quite considerably lately and Doumeki has more power than he realizes and his actions consequences he isn’t able to foresee. But if I am being honest, I might be frustrated by the situation, but at the same time I understand it by a storytelling standpoint and from the characters’ perspectives: who they are, in what sets of circumstances they find themselves in. I appreciate the realism and coherence of their behavior. It would frustrate me much much more if they were to sit down and discuss their feelings, or if the author was spoon feeding the readers with some sappy solutions, kiss and go to the pride parade. I would taste the added sugar or edulcorates in my drink and spit it out immediately. I don’t really read this story to see a “happy ending” (both types), I read because it describes what trauma does to people in a manner that makes sense to me and doesn’t hide how hard it is to trust and connect meaningfully with people even when there is attraction or affection or loyalty. Personally, I am willing to read between the lines, and I see how they are repeating their words to each others back and forth to probe and see which one will take a step forward and admit that what they are doing isn’t exactly what they really want things to be. The story doesn’t work if the readers take the characters and whatever they say at face value, without looking deeper, behind the surface.

They aren’t honest because they’re afraid and if anything else I would expect fear. From Yashiro is the deepest emotion he has been carrying within himself and it’s so deeply tied to the feelings of love and loss, that is painful to see. For Doumeki is the fear of being rejected and discarded and left adrift again. I think that building instead an external situation making them confront the lies they have been feeding each other is good writing. I am not in a rush, because most of all I want the story to be believable and I don’t necessarily need comfort or fast closure or anything like that. I want these characters to be flawed because they went through hurtful things and live in a bad environment and they aren’t supposed to act like any idealistic version of themselves in my opinion. This is the story I like to read, and I think the pacing has been very good.

I have always felt a personal connection to Yashiro and I am treating him and his flavor of pain like I would have liked to be treated myself, with compassion, and this is why this story has been cathartic for me. I am willing to see what will happen but I don’t wish for things being forced upon Yashiro beyond what it is the necessary critical point that brings the willingness to change direction or unmask oneself on one’s own terms. The situation is extremely delicate right now. I didn’t expect that much attention to Yashiro’s own homophobia either, going into this story, but maybe I should have, Saezuru is always raising the bar. I think it’s amazing, to be honest, that this story is showing some specific aspects of Yashiro’s childhood trauma, as a person who never found an answer for myself: how much what happened to you as a child, without you having any choice, really changed the course of your life, derailed it to such an extent that you can’t even be sure about who you are, who you were and what the other version of yourself, the one nothing too bad happened to could have become, now a ghost haunting you. Are we maybe likely to built up a version of normality and innocence that adheres to common social norms and expectations, including heteronormativity, and if so is this why we feel like we are never going to measure up? Falling in love hurts when you don’t know how to trust yourself or the other person, when nothing feels like it has any foundation or security. So I empathized with Yashiro and I felt that last page with the rain, especially since Doumeki seems like another person (I don’t think we should buy into either of these characters’ deceptions tho). It feels like these two are standing in each other’s blind spot so successfully at the moment.

[drdemonprince]

Heyyo - autist here who’s still figuring out my physical and emotional needs. I use weed every day, and part of me has shame around this (as I am a “professional” and supposedly it’s “bad for you”, and it costs money) and the other part of me says “fuck it, there’s no moral value in not using drugs and you should do what you need to”. I guess I’m wondering what perspectives you can offer on this. I’m ruminating on it a bit lately and need some outside people to share their thoughts to get me out of that cycle. Thnx

I find that I am a lot more in tune with my bodily sensations and emotions when I am high, and that I find it easier to enjoy things and to chat amiably with random people when I'm high too. It makes life easier and more pleasant to such an extent that I wonder if I ought to smoke weed daily to medicate all my Problems and Difficulties and general irritation at of most aspects of existence. But then I don't. Because I get freaked out by the brain foggy weed hangover that drifts into the next day, and I assume that it will be bad for my writing to be high, and perhaps most of all, because I am terrified of building up a really high weed tolerance and then needing to use a ton to feel anything, or to even return to a baseline.

A couple years back I tried out vaping almost nightly for a few months, and it definitely reached a point where simply *not* being high felt like being anxious, it seemed, so I decided pretty quickly to reduce my weed intake. I don't like NEEDING any substance to function or to just feel okay. so for now I keep it to the weekends. I often think of using weed more often than that, and kind of want to, but i don't.

The research on chronic long-term weed use is quite encouraging! There are no cognitive or motivational downsides to using weed every day, or even multiple times per day. Conversely, there are many emotional and psychological benefits. @testdevice and I discussed the latest scientific research on the subject at length here:

There's really only one rub to the study's findings: people who use weed multiple times per day have a baseline lower mood than people who use weed frequently, but not quite that often. NOW THIS IS NOT A CAUSAL RELATIONSHIP. Chronic heavy weed use is not CAUSING people to be more depressed -- it simply seems to be the case that people who are chronically depressed are reaching more frequently for weed to cope with it.

The study shows weed use does raise mood including for members of that group, so there really is no serious drawback to using marijuana here!

But It does align with a finding that I've made in my personal life: the moments when I want to use weed the most frequently are when something in my life is completely out of wack. When I'm super overworked and stressed out, the temptation is to use weed as a way to down-regulate my anxiety, but what actually works far better for me is taking actual steps to reduce stress in my life. I COULD use weed for depression or for failing to find life activities enjoyable, and it works, but it's also worth asking myself which aspects of my life need to change so that I can feel less depressed and get through the day feeling okay. negative emotions are a signal that something in life is going wrong and needs to be fixed, and I do not want to ignore that alarm system.

Those are just some things to think about. Personally, I think that if you have some ability to make choices in your life that can improve your general circumstances, it's better to do that than to use weed to make a life that sucks a little more tolerable. But if daily weed use is helping make your life better or less hard, the weed itself is not the problem!

Lots of people determine that daily weed use has considerable benefits for them with relatively few costs. For me, using a couple times per week is what hits that sweet spot. but ymmv.

[peachhcs]

THE NEW BREAKUP TIMELINE!!

hughes!sister x will smith au (samy + will)

after some consideration, i'm changing the breakup timeline for our lovely friends samy and will!!! wooohooo!! (because let's be real, could i really drag it out that long? no.) i've bulleted everything that's changed, so take a read and see what's new!! i will be writing bigger fics for the major points so don't worry, but if there's any bullets you want expanded into a fic or blurb, let me know!!

i will still keep the previous breakup timeline fics up, we'll just pretend some of it doesn't exist and it's like a parellel universe to the au lmao. the charm bracelet still does exist btw!! but yay!! enjoy new samy and will timeline!! i just love them so much i couldn't drag it out more, so i changed it up!! also yes will's new post may have influenced this decision as well :))

au masterlist

will breaks up with samy a few days after they get back from worlds (end of May) 

will signs with the san jose sharks (end of May) 

samy and will don’t speak for the month of June (the longest they’ve gone without talking)

will goes to the bauer combine where he talks to this girl in hopes of getting his mind off samy, but it doesn’t work because when he makes a joke that the girl doesn’t laugh at because only samy gets, will realizes it’s all wrong and he shouldn’t have broken up with her 

this highkey makes him spiral hard because he realizes how big of a mistake he made 

he panic calls gabe and ryan in hopes that they’ll tell him what to do 

gabe and ryan tell him that he needs to talk to her!! 

will’s scared to reach back out because what if samy doesn’t want to talk to him (rightfully so)  

he goes back home for a bit where he confides in grace and his mom (for once!!) 

they tell him that he should reach out if he wants it’s really up to him, but he needs to realize he lost all of samy’s trust because of what he did and said, so she may not warm up to him as quickly or easily 

meanwhile, samy sees all the content of will at the combine which makes her happy and sad at the same time 

happy because he’s experiencing all these things and meeting so many new people, but sad because she misses him and wishes they worked something out between them or at least talked more before will made that decision

she doesn’t reach out though. too scared and not wanting to distract him from working on all his media things 

another week passes and now it’s july which means the smith + hughes family vacation is coming up!! 

(i said will would skip out on this, but i’m changing it so he does end up showing up) it’s the first time they’ve seen one another since the breakup so two months 

they’re kind of awkward and avoid each other at first because they’re only really there because their parents forced them to be 

samy hangs around on the deck or anywhere away from the boys because she knows wherever her brothers are, will is there 

(jack, quinn, and luke are like lowkey still pissed at will, but they cool off a bit when they talk to him about it more and see that he really regrets it and wants to get back together) 

on the third day, samy and will can’t keep avoiding each other. they’re the only ones awake one night after a long day going out and about with everyone 

will approaches samy first when he finds her down on the dock just sitting by herself 

they talk some awkward small talk before getting into the meat of everything 

in short, will admits he messed up, he was just scared of the distance and not being good enough for her because he’s gonna be so far away once summer’s over and he doesn’t want to hold her back from anything 

samy half forgives him, but tells him she wishes he talked to her more. basically, will’s going to have to work to get her trust back and he definitely knows that, so they decide to start back as friends before jumping into anything

after that talk, the rest of the vacation is less awkward and they slowly warm back up to one another which the parents are happy to see 

the smiths go back to boston after the vacation, so samy and will don’t see one another again until the end of july/beginning of august when will’s move out is coming up  

they still talk a bit over text though 

(the farewell party is a bit different now and will knows they’re coming instead of finding out the morning before and they talk at the party again. another mini reunion again) 

samy talks with gabe and ryan privately later that day about her and will. 

once the party’s over, samy and her family and the guys stay back for a bit and they all just hang out like old times

later that night, will gets samy alone again. they make cute little small talk which leads to will asking samy to fly out to california with him to help him move in like they always talked about 

she agrees and so they’re all flying out that next week  

they spend that whole weekend decorating will’s apartment and making it “him” 

the day before samy flies back home to start her own pre season camps for soccer, will takes a chance and takes samy out on a date 

it’s like they never even broke up in the first place on that date 

by the end of the night, will asks samy if they could try again and he promises he won’t fuck it all up again 

samy agrees and they get back together with the promise that the distance doesn’t matter no matter what happens!! 

[canisalbus]

the cw tags you left on the post about the pope calling catholic priests faggots reminded me of the good sides of humanity that was greatly needed, so thanks for being a good person ig!!

I love your blog and the "just in case" tag you left gave so much love i had to point it out. and I love your gay little dogs!

(sorry for being anon interacting with people is overwhelming for me lol)

.

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Ok, this is mostly bc I realized we've only seen Sally being passive, but how is she able to hypothetically rip apart larger puppets limb from limb? (if the captions with Howdy hold water with other puppets)

(Slight Mutilation Warning Ahead: Puppet Edition)

they absolutely hold So Much water! it's a combination of a couple things!

a) Nightlight!Sally is really Strong. i'd liken to her to a chimp, as much as i hate them. despite being smaller than people, they're absurdly powerful. when it comes to Her, this comes from a mix of hysterical strength and something Else i've been pondering but don't want to solidify yet, so shh dont worry bout it. it's also much easier to tear fleece & cotton/stuffing than, uh, Biological materials.

b) none of the puppets are really prepared for violence? they've lived in an idyllic world where true, visceral violence likely hasn't even been a Thought in anyone's minds. like, you watch videos of people get attacked by like... raccoons or rats and they visibly Lose because they panic! they aren't prepared! they don't wanna fight! so the much smaller creature wins. They Don't Know How To Fight, Or Fight Back.

b.1) also, Nightlight!Sally is still... Sally. she's still their dear friend. i know that if a close friend attacked me, i'm not sure i'd be able to bring myself to do much other than defend/flee. i wouldn't wanna hurt them even if it meant protecting myself. hence why Wally avoids all confrontation with her & can't protect his friends from her. he can't hurt his neighbor.

b.2) there's also the shock factor. imagine you wake up from a pleasant dream to an absolute nightmare reality. Boom, automatically thrown way off your rhythm. then one of your close buddies looks Fuckin Weird, Are You Okay? and other crazy shit is happening! you're freaking out!! then your Close Friend Who's Off is suddenly slashing at you and BOOM, your arm's gone & your entire brain is scrambled from shock and fear and "?!?!?!?!?!". plus, i doubt the puppets know they're full of stuffing. seeing yourself sliced open and white fluff spilling out has gotta be just. so Unpleasant on principle.

c):

CLAWS BABEY! RIP TEAR AND SHRED! those sharp grippers are perfect for piercing and ripping! puppet fleece is Paper to her!

her fighting method is attack wildly until the threat stops making noise! it's very hard to defend oneself from it! imagine those cartoon bits where a cat attacks someone and its just a Flurry of Unbeatable Violence

[daily-hanamura]

[transboykirito]

why does kazuto squat like a dainty little ballerina

[creativesplat]

Have a Dimitri because juggling hyper fixations is almost all I do now.

[aha-chuu]

I'm writing an AU rn and like

So Wriothesley woke up in hospital after (correctly) killing his foster parents and Arlecchino is just There. So Wrio doesn't know who tf she is but he's a lil broody and very "yes I deserve prison, yes I'm 13 what about it"

Arlecchino meanwhile has only just taken over the House of the Hearth and killed her own abuser so they're kinda vibing in a dysfunctional way. She really wanted to kill all the child traffickers in Fontaine but she couldn't find them yet (she's only just come back from Fatui stuffs and since she's only just taken over the HoH she doesn't have an information network to rely on).

HOWEVER by killing his foster parents (who were part of the same trafficking ring) Wriothesley unintentionally picked a thread that Arlecchino can now follow go deal with all the shitty nobles in Fontaine and save a bunch of children. She's pretty much come to see Wriothesley to tell him this and legit thank him because she genuinely really cares about the children of Fontaine and this all Sucks.

So now Wriothesley is still going to prison but Arlecchino has her eye on him. She basically sees him as her first 'child' even though he doesn't know her as 'Father' like the rest of the kids do.

(which: in this AU the reason Arlecchino was there to save Lynette was because she uncovered the nobleman involved through the info chain Wriothesley set off so there's layers here).

Wriothesley is in prison and Arlecchino sends him fun little letters (and he replies (honestly feel bad for the poor Fatuus who was stuck in Meropide as their go-between)). Importantly she never sends him anything more than morale boosts - no bribing the guards for special treatment, no rigged pankration fights, no extra credit coupons. Arlecchino loves all her children but Tough Love is as important as any other form.

So Wrio had a ten year prison sentence and everything pretty much goes as canon: he learns to thrive, garners everyone's respect and, eventually, takes control of Meropide by duelling the administrator on the day he should have been released. Arlecchino's getting all these updates and she's so so pleased at how well he's doing. He's given the 'duke' title and she's ready to give him all the desdert, he's a great son and he deserves a treat.

But there is a whole layer to this that, though Wrio & Arlecchino have been in communication for a decade, he's never learned that she's Fatui and, when he eventually does learn, he doesn't confer those two identities. Same with Arlecchino - where Lyney, Lynette and Freminet are Fatui agents, Wrio is her First child and he's disconnected from that. That's why Lyney is her heir - Wrio's almost like a pet project she took on outside of her Fatui responsibilities.

Obviously it's then funny when Lyney & co clash against Wriothesley because like. They've never met but Arlecchino definitely considers them all part of the same family. Lyney has too much of a big brother complex to have to deal with his 'Father' introducing a much bigger big brother into the fold who has also managed to do like,, everything.

Like poor Lyney cos Wrio literally went to prison at 13 and still became the third most politically powerful and richest person in Fontaine before he was 25. Forget Forbes Under Thirty, Lyney has to contend with whatever this shit is without developing issues

(Lyney is actually very cool and better suited to all the Fatui stuffs but you know. He's gotta compare himself).

So anyway the concept of the AU (Arlecchino Adoption AU???) mostly centers on all the letters Arlecchino & Wriothesley sent to each other, and then navigating the dynamic later on when the Fatui are crawling all over Fontaine and The Prophecy. Bonus points for Neuvillette's most trusted Wriothesley having this weird Arlecchino connection, and if he can be convinced to side with her, Wriothesley could fuck up all of Fontaine by having Meropide go on strike and halting all of construction. So messy.

Everyone gets to bribe Wriothesley with tea to be on their side but in reality Wriothesley is on his own side (Arlecchino's like: yes this is how to raise an independent child, Lyney: he literally shot me and convinced me he would murder my family, Arlecchino: yeah they really don't make em like they used to huh).

Also all of the letters with Arlecchino were 100% like,,, philosophical debates and historical discussion from whatever prison book Wrio just read. No parental guidance here. He met this woman once, she is not his dad - she's his pen pal. Arlecchino finds labels unimportant in this instance.