#but also.... i dont need to stress and pressure and judge myself so much

[marsixm]

rambling ass thought hence the readmore, but i had an interaction with my boss earlier that im still thinking about:

basically a customer was making some errant comment about eating chili, like, okay whatever, and my boss says something about how like. okay why should i give a shit. obv not to her, he was perfectly polite to her, but after when i said hes really good at pretending to be nice, he said sthn like 'yeah i have to be polite because i cant just say bitch idc' but also yeah why should he give a fuck really, he doesnt know her at all and he doesnt care and he has work to do. he is someone who clearly has been taught to always be polite and shit, right? now, i also dont really give a fuck about what a customer i dont know is having for dinner, but i also didnt really grow up with the heavy expectation to pretend to care abt small talk. i have to now, for my job, be passively polite, but i also have to do other things that dont come naturally to me, like try not to curse, etc. i also, as an adult now, understand the social role of being passively polite to people as a way to show like. we're all people who should at least care about each other in the grand scheme of things, and to not make things needlessly hostile- i dont care, but i also dont feel as irritated as he seemed, because i dont give a fuck one way or the other, and i dont feel such lifelong social pressure. to me its like wearing shoes. i understand the need to do so in public but at home i like keeping my feet on the ground. basically the thought im rolling around in my head like a marble is how i wonder if its .. creating its own issues, when people feel socially pressured to be super polite or pretend to care about each other, and its like, seen as this super important thing? i wonder if this is why so many neurotypical people and/or people who are on the spectrum slightly but mask a lot wind up seeming like theyre about to explode. OR, if its just a symptom of being super neurotic? because this dude is also super fucking neurotic, chronically stressed, and kind of grumpy at times

see, ive never really known how to mask, not really, and my parents never like taught me like super specific rules and manners and shit that other people seem to learn, i did have to learn a lot of this later, and consciously, but also as an adult now i tend to gravitate towards both autistic and deeply neurotic people so i have no idea how deeply these kinds of pressures and stresses are going on in others' heads. the only person in our friend group who wasnt autistic and was tied in knots over social rituals also had ocd and was excruciatingly neurotic so i cant rly judge all of social interaction off that, though it does explain how a lot of people act i guess

anyway its interesting bc this thought seems to come up a lot from other retail workers and especially cashiers, like being really spitefully annoyed with customers- and i completely understand why and where the feeling comes from i just find it hard to muster that much ire myself on a day to day basis over the really banal stuff BUT this is probably the most mentally healthy ive been in decades AND "feeling" my feelings is, due to autism, kind of weird and complicated at times so idk

[temporarymoods]

worst week of the year

hey blog

theres so much i want to tell you and would rather be feeling right now e.g. my truth about being nonbinary and graduating and moving and finishing college and new music and new inspirations and volunteering and all those thoughts about the world and cooking-- but right now i just feel like shiiiiiit.

nothing profound, barely edited stream of consciousness, about:

insecurity

it's so hitting sometimes. and i try to come up with why and i figure a couple things: stress. not sleeping great. hormones (follicular phase). the weather (gloomy). anxiety (but that's the same thing as insecurity). not eating great. negative reinforcement. negative reinforcement. negative reinforcement. reading into things. losing the male gaze. needing so badly different clothes.

it's the worst when it manifests socially like this. like the most negative voice in your head narrating-- why? i know it's just as easy to switch to another. so why do i have these tendencies to slip into the worst of it? just wired that way? why do the low moods have such a moving character? maybe its not that big of a deal. but for days i have felt awful. and i cant even communicate that properly to the people that love me because its too much- its really just too much to launch into. and so i need a long chat before i can move any of this weight off me. so im here. <3

i know i dont suck. but sometimes i guess i do. or i could. so i worry about being lost-- about other people losing me, in a concerned-for-myself way. and i think about how utterly pointless this post is because girl, you're not saying anything that hasn't already been sai across the world.

that's nice. this shit isn't unique. but whe no one talks about it it kinda feels like everything is fine for everybody. and when i'm doing fine i see that that's true in a sense. everyone's lives are so cool even when theyre bad. no need to compare because we're really on the same page. just need to remember that. the equalness. the sameness of the value of all of our lives, of my life in particular. it is not less it is not less. dear reader i can only say in plain words and ask you to believe me that the "but"s come up so strong there. "it is not less" does not sit without protest, and riot again. i don't want to lie, so opens up the possibility that "it is not less" is not true... you may see how the facilitation of this dialogue weighs on me.

judging myself for all that i don't do. so much love so little do, i think. but then i dont have time. because im a student. and that kills me. been slowly killing me for years. once i decided i wouldnt die the killing only got slower, subtler. what a drain on the spirit. you ask anyone, hopefully, they will tell you, college has not been for me. but in college i have found pieces of life that could be, that would be. i feel closest to them now. but what if ive been lying? what if my lines i repeat against this fucking institution have just been An Excuse? for not living... that's terrifying. that i'm a phony. that im really just a loser !! we'll see i guess. what a pressure. what a chance.

feeling so limited in so many ways . in the gender fashion way (and with those two words im done speaking on this). in the free time way, of course. my friends inspire me when they do things that are simply joyful. smart. so smart. can't afford to give myself those pleasures right now. i want to soon. i so, so want to. and i hope that when this all goes away i wasn't lying and i can. the kind of thing that you cant test or experiment on without replicating exact conditions, so the kind of thing you can't really ever know until you're there: if life gets better.

i think there are things about me that i need to fix. first: stop using i/me/mine. unpack that. i dont think its actually like that. like probably shut the fuck up and stop THINKING!! about yourself. but also---- this is important---- think about yourself more and do a much better job upon reflection, please. tweak. and edit. and abolish. yesss, yes. then you'll get it.

at least i am so far from my potential. like, that's a good thing. there are so many things i can do. thats empowering an i think about that a lot because its part of my self therapy prompt. i think ive talked about it on here before but in case i didnt/as a refresher, when i journal for efficacy it usually starts with "i'm feeling [fill in blank.] i can do something about this!" literally. like i make myself write that sentence every time. kind of geen, would recommend. works. having agency rules. having a tendency to forget i have agency sucks. something to work on something to build.

and of course ive come a long way. for the worst week of my 2024 its not that bad of a week, like woah. really puts it into perspective. things could suck so much badder. thank Fucking god. im really fine. its really fine. phew. the future is chilling, honest, if only because i have so much knowledge er wisdom about how to be happy. and cuz of logistics. we good. i love my people and they love me and like its fiiiine and im cool. the present aint bad i just need to do my homework, that's all, really. i just need to do it and now that i've typed all of this out i feel a bit better like i can. in pavement. rn. bagel sandwich on mom. gift card from christmas/my bday, cool. iced vanilla latte matching the classic vibe. i am but a collection of past selves, my life built upon other versions, wearing these fuckass old clothes in a new body is kind of the human condition. changing and having to catch up to it. we're in that gap of time where things havent updated or refreshed. the part in second puberty where its not actually done yet. theres actually more to come and youre in that transitional phase. thats what this is. another one of those. things just arent figured out or settled or that comfortable because im too busy to make them better or good and thats just what it is right now and thats fine because there is definitely an end to this. 2 weeks, whatever. i can make it two weeks at not-my-best. which is wild to say because i was literally feeling my best like a week ago, so, what? that's what this fucking blog is all about. kateworld changes so fast. its all temporary.

catch you on the upswing

Kate

<3

[v-r-i-s-vris-v-r-i-s]

I LOVE BAD ART

hiii im thyme (ze/zir/they/them), one of the 4 ppl w accces to this acct, and sry for spelling, im dysgraphic + actualy typing and not using speach-to-text like normal

ANYWAYS

i LOVE bad art, and i HATE when ppl get upset i say that!

i grew up w a lot of pressuer on me to be good, definetly in general, but also absolutly w art!! my mom was an artist, and i grew up VERY christian. everything i did reflected on god, and more importantly to my mom, on her.

she was so exited to have a kid who LOVED art and stuff like her, but i was never good enough. she would always tell everyone how good i was, how i was gifted by god, and how much i took after her. (she was v self centered and would majorly talk up anything that made her look good, yikes i know)

so ppl would be naturaly interested and exited to see! and then i would be forced to show them some art, which, keep in mind, was verry age appropriate and full of the generally goofy stuff i loved, and 9/10 they would be dissapointed. even if they werent my mom decided to constantly pressure me to do better.

this was really stressful obv, and i stopped drawing for the first time. when i got into middle school, i started again, this time not really ttelling my mom. i was happier, but had already had it impressed down onto me that my art had to be good to warrant existing or taking my time. i was v stressed by it, and as i slowly started to get more comfortable i was imedietly bombarded with competition.

i struggled to get better in the ways that seemed easy for anyone else, PDA kicked in as soon as i felt something NEEDED to be done, and i was compaird to everyone my age and younger and told how much better theye were.

i never wanted to make it a competition, i just wanted to have fun. i wanted to do something hands on that could express me better than my words ever could (undiagnosed autism at the time made me feel verry weird and thuroughly broken, and explaining that wo imedietly getting invalidating and patronizing answers simply did not happen)

i stoped drawing again. i changed schools and had a better art teacher. she wasnt a dick bout my art, but definetly acted overly suportev(possibly im anxiose and projecting past art trauma onto her lmao and she was just being normal, she was cool af tho). i starded drawing more, on and offf, and got REALLY depressed and burnt out. one of the ways it manifested was being unable to be creative.

but things did get better!!! got an autism diagnosis and educated myself more on my dysgraphia diagnosis(got in elementry school), came out, made freinds who brought me to queer music and caberet shows(tysm phoenix), and was able to move out!

as im now on my own, my art drive has rissen signifigantly, especily as im surounded by other art enjoying weirdos(complementary). but i still hate when someone says that my art is good or bad. constructive advice and support is always valued, but there are so many mediums and people and styles, how on earth do we judge that?? having to be good enough for everyone to warent my own existance and hobbies almost killed me, and sucked all of the joy out of my life.

ive seen people who got so happy to doodle, only to stop forever when someone makes a remark on skill with their age. ive seen family stop bc someone joked abt their stick figures or car drawings, because even if the joker didnt mean it outside of a goofy remark, the joke was meanspirited and ment to put the artist down. I HATE THIS??!?!

WHO DECIDES WHATS GOOD ENOUGH TO EXIST??? capitilism? christianity? the example of two dead ppl from history???

obviosly i dont fuck w that.

art is something made to express something, how are you going to take such a broad catagory and shove it into your biased and sad binary?

so i proudly call my art bad. as an ongoing rebelion against everyone who thought and thinks that something has to fit their binary of goodto exist. i say bd to help myself unlearn the shitty things that were pushed onto me, and as a way of saying i dont have to be anyone's good to warent my own joy.

some ppl will cut in here, theyll tell me not to talk badly about myself (im not). theyl say even if i dont mean it bad, my brain will internalize it as a negative(i dont think that applies here?) or theyll spew some capitlistic bs (HUH, GUESS HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT.)

no hate to others reclaiming their art and love for it in different ways,this is just how it works for me. in in my art vocabulary, bad means not locking itself into the harsh expectations of good, and i find that incredibly freeing :)

[badbrainblurbs]

i think the current look at pds esp as rep by the dsm5 is rather wonky i think icd-11 is better but needs more depth and explanation to an extent but anyways th general consensus seems to be that bpd and schizoid are not comorbid™ and are opposites which is interesting bc bpd n avpd are comorbid n avpd n schizoid are comorbid so like lol? but i meet min. criteria for all but i feel like my the schizoid traits can be explained away by introversion and the avoidant by social anxiety. i feel like I've always preferred being alone and have little interest in forming friends usually nor do i really understand like why or how n why or how others are interested in interactions. I've had flat or blunted affect and dont really display emotions since a kid yet in certain settings depending on comfort level i do or am able to so i think the flat affect is to a certain level masking tho not always and when it's masking i think it cld be linked to the avpd and anxiety bc im scared of being awkward and judged. im fine being alone bc i feel most comfy n don't hv to deal with outside pressure i can just be myself yet the bpd traits kick in where im not sure who that self is so like yh im alone n it feels good but who am i do i even really like being alone idk. when im arnd others sometimes i become painfully aware of my aloneness and ostracization and i wish i cld connect with ppl but i always resort to thinking but no one wld want to interact with me anyways and also u hv nothing to talk abt ur so boring n yk general avpd perceived incompetencies narrative. there's also the bpd fears of ppl leaving but also of becoming attached which is embarrassing and stressful being in tht so involved state of mind caring so much the instability based on the person's interactions with me the splitting im also more of a quiet bpd which i think may link to the shizoid flat effect so the bpd inner turmoil drives me crazy bc no one understands that all of that is going on inside while i try to maintain being normal with the other person. im extremely sensitive since a kid n have rapid short lived mood n emotional changes but again most of that is internal. my most push pull fear of abandonment bpd traits occur when i let someone in ive actually nvr made a friend myself im always been befriend but yh if someone continues to show repeated interest eventually the distrust minimizes enough and they pass the avpd im sure i will be liked requirement n i let them in n soon the bpd attachment patterns kick in. i sometimes also idealise familiar strangers creating a narrative of them in my head sometimes wishing i cld actually speak to them or not but rarely ever doing so and when i hv the idealisation breaks n turns to devaluation bc they are ofc nothing like the months worth of characterization ive made abt them in my head. dissociation is also a problem for me which is schizoid n bpd overlap in particular. once im not in an attachment n in an isolated state with no friends or frequent connections the schizoid mindset dominates so i wonder if it isn't to an extent developed to combat the avpd n bpd longing for connection by putting up a front. the bpd ppl related symptoms also ease since the trigger ppl is missing but if i do have to interact with ppl like in school the avpd traits are strong. just in personal experience i do think they can also coexist unless i am misunderstanding something

[pinkopalina]

I think I make things a bigger deal than they need to be lol

[bookwyrminspiration]

this is for @i-love-all-books and anyone who is going to/is learning how to drive! The classes will give you a lot of the big tips, but there are some of the little things they gloss over that can still give you anxiety, so I'll share a few of the things I've learned from experience driving in a city with a reputation for bad drivers, so I've seen some shit /srs.

if there's anything I don't cover that you want to know about you're more than welcome to send me an ask or a message about it /g

note: i am not a driving instructor, nor do I claim to be. I have a provisional license and can legally drive without an adult present, something I do on a daily basis. I've been driving consistently for over a year. Those are my qualifications so you can decide whether or not to trust what i say. I can still remember a lot of the things that made me anxious when i first started, so if this helps anyone at all i consider it a success

start driving in an empty parking lot if you can. lots of open space and no cars to hit. you can go as slow as you need to, and don't be embarrassed about going slow. use the space to figure out how to move the car and how it turns, to look in the mirrors and starts leaning how to understand what you see

speaking of mirrors: adjust them a little farther out than you think you need to. you don't need to see the side of your own car in the reflection, you already know where your car is. This helps make your blind spot smaller too, but fiddle around with it (over several drives) until you find a position that you're most comfortable with

always signal when you're going to turn, even if it seems silly. it's better to give those around you more information than they need than not enough. Signal in parking lots, signal when there's no one around, signal even if you're in a turn-only lane.

break sooner and harder than you think you need to. I know i personally was very gentle on the breaks at first, which would lead to a last minute sudden slamming when I would realize i was going a lot faster and a lot closer than i should've been. It's also more comfortable to have gradual stops

you may feel pressured by other people close behind you to go faster. You don't need to speed for anyone else. If they're so impatient they can pass you. Only speed up if you legitimately think they're way too close to be safe.

speaking of space: i like to leave space between me and everyone else on road. I give extra space between me and the person in front of me, about four seconds worth of space (measure this by picking a landmark, start counting when the car in front of you passes it, stop when you pass it. use one-mississippi two-mississippi style or something similar).

more space: you don't need as much space as you think you do when changing lanes. signal before you want to merge over. you should be good without about a car or two's worth of space between you and the cars in the lanes beside you. Also, if you signal before you want to move, they may slow down or speed up to give you space to do so.

it's better to stay in your lane and just keep going than trying to pass others for speed. it just makes it more stressful, especially when you're new to the road.

the single thing that gave me the most control over the vehicle was driving down really long slightly winding roads, the ones usually on the outskirts of a city or in the mountains if you happen to live in the foothills like I do. this teaches you how to make really small adjustments to make the car turn--you won't need to turn the wheel as much as you'd expect.

how do you decide whether to go through the light if it turns yellow while you're approaching? it's less about what you decide and more that you stick to whatever impulse decision you make. if you decide to go through, go through. Don't change your mind, even if you think you should've stopped. if you decide to stop, hit the breaks, don't wait. (also, if i'm nervous the light in front of me will turn yellow, i keep track mentally what decision I would make where i am. For example, as I'm approaching i'll tell myself, "i'd stop here, I'd stop here," until i got close enough to say "if it changes I'd go through." That way, the decision is already made for me and i just have to follow through.)

figure out what makes you comfortable. i personally only like to turn on the turn lane closest to the curbs. For example, if there are two left turn lanes, i like to take the leftmost which is next to the median. this way, i can see where i'm heading on the other side of the intersection: the lane next to that median.

if you're at the front of the intersection, wait 2 seconds after a light turns green before you go. use this time to look to either side and make sure it's really safe for you to move forward. it's during those few seconds that someone would run a red light if they were going to

assume no one else on the road can see you and that no one is going to signal anything they're going to do. i don't drive with any part of my car beside any part of a car next to me if I can help it. I don't assume they're going to check their blind spots and see me, so i like to leave space for people to just move around me. be prepared for anyone to move anywhere and do anything. Watch the cars themselves, not just the blinkers. At least where I live, people will cross three lanes of traffick at once without signalling, so stay aware.

in regards to four way intersections, I don't think anyone knows who has the legal right of way. look at people's faces in the cars, they'll usually wave you forward if they're waiting for you to go, or you can wave others forward. Everyone just wants to get through there.

if you're going to be taking a specific route frequently, say driving yourself to school like I do, look for landmarks around when you need to make changes. for example, i have to take the interstate to get to school, and I need to merge two lanes over when i take my exit, and there are two bridges before that. so when i see a bridge, I merge. you can use this for turns, lane changes, whatever you need. just something to remind yourself what to do.

this one's not exactly a tip, but if you do more extreme driving more frequently, the simple things will become easier. Driving on the freeway consistently makes city driving seem tame and easier for me, so instead of being daunting its now a relief because it's not as intense

this has been most important for my anxiety: people assume everyone on the road is an experienced driver. It takes five years to be considered experienced. if you get honked at, if you make a mistake and are worried people are judging you, they're honking with the assumption that you have years of experience that you don't. it helps me to know they don't have all the information about me, so while I may have fucked up, their anger or annoyance is misplaced because they think i have experience I dont

fucking up is inevitable. you're going to make a mistake, and the best thing you can do is figure out what you did wrong and how to fix it so it doesn't happen again. driving is a learned skill, it's impossible to never mess it up and to always know what to do. i had to take a new route just last week and nearly missed my exit on the freeway, which made me panic and merge lanes when I didn't have enough space to really do it safely, so the person I merged in front of honked at me. they were completely justified. everything turned out fine, but there were things I could've done to prevent that that I remembered going forward. they're not going to remember it. you were just a brief inconvenience during their drive. they'll forget about you and go on with their lives.

these are some of the main things that help me with those little anxieties, but if there's something you're specifically nervous about that I didn't mention, you are entirely welcome to ask me about it and I'll do my best to answer you!!. I know driving instructors can seem intimidating and that they mostly cover the big things, so if I seem more approachable, i do have some experience driving and would love to answer the questions you're nervous to ask or that you think are stupid /g

[bringingglory]

@eerna oh my god acshdgagaahhdvsahsv I never expected you to see my post, so I won't lie, I feel like super embarrassed acsgsga

anyway! not gonna lie, this wip has been sitting in my drafts for months now because I wanted to see if I could plan stuff but then I got stuck because Details are hard to figure out BUT I did write out a few scenes, so I'll put them below the cut because they're kind of long. the first one is the "opening" of the fic and the second one is a sort of reimagining of the Silent Princess memory. i have a few other scenes sort of scribbled out, but these are the most "polished" of the stuff i've written alsdkfjasdfk

the opening lol

Link wakes to a faint buzzing in his ear that sends little darts of pain shooting through his skull. He waits for it to end, and when it doesn’t he groans and rolls over, smacking the space around him to find whatever was making that noise and make it shut up. He can’t fathom why his brain is rolling through his skull like that and why there’s an intense pressure behind his eyes, but when he rolls onto his side, he has to press a hand to his abdomen to settle whatever was sloshing around inside his stomach.

Ah. He’s hungover.

Link peels open his eyes and the light sends a fresh wave of pain ricocheting through his skull. He blinks once, twice, and then forces his eyes open to find a phone the size vibrating against the ground a few inches away from his hand.

Link groans and pushes himself up to a sitting position before grabbing the phone and dismissing the alarm. When the phone falls silent in his hands, he finally looks around and tries to assess the situation.

He’s sitting in a bathtub, the porcelain slightly damp from what he hopes is just water. His shirt smells vaguely of cheap vodka and he still can barely look at the sunlight streaming through the window without wincing.

A moment later, he realizes the phone in his hands isn’t his.

Link holds the phone up to his face and rubs the grogginess from his eyes. He swipes up on the screen, surprised that it isn’t protected by a password.

The phone is open on note in the notes app, and it reads:

link, if you’re reading this right now, im so sorry for leaving you in the tub like that!!! my dad’s supposed to come home from the office today and the document case i was telling you about is missing and he cant know i lost it. i know we just started getting along, and im so sorry to ask you this, but could you find the document case? impa’s in my contacts and she can help you. also you have permission to dig through my phone, just dont judge me if i have anything embarrassing on there. can you find the file by midnight? his flight leaves at 3 and i can stall him until then.

it’s 6:11 right now so i have to run before he gets back, but please hurry! i’ll be waiting for you

-zelda

Link blinks and turns the phone off.

Last night? What happened last night? Why can’t he remember anything?

Well, if his raging headache tells him anything, it’s that he had probably blacked out last night.

Link isn’t usually a drinker or a partier. He isn’t really one to go to big social events. So he’s really confused as to why he woke up passed out in a tub with zero memories.

And also, why Zelda left her phone with him.

a version of the Silent Princess memory but they're at a party and its modern

Zelda laughs. “I think I got a little too sober from the Yiga incident to enjoy the party now.”

Link isn’t sure if he’s supposed to laugh with her, but nods anyway. “Do you want to get some air?”

Zelda gives him an odd look, then sighs. “Yeah. Yes. That would be a good idea.”

Surprisingly, she grabs his forearm and leads him through all the bodies pressed against each other. He can feel the heat of her hand wrapping entirely around his arm like a hot glove, even above the heat of the late summer air and the heat from other people in close proximity.

Somehow, they make it to the other side of the house. Zelda pushes the back door open and pulls him past the other stragglers outside before they find a nice tree with a patch of grass that seems generally clear of alcohol and vomit.

Zelda releases his arm as soon as she finds the tree and she sits down, dropping her head against the trunk.

“Are you okay?” He asks.

Zelda waves her hand vaguely.

Link pauses. “Do you need water?”

“If you get me any more water, I’m probably gonna piss myself,” says Zelda. “Sit down.”

He sits down.

The crickets hum vaguely around them, mingling with the distant buzzing and thumping bass of the music from the party. But without people pressing in from all sides and an open field in front of them, it finally feels like he can take a full breath.

The silence settles over them like a blanket. It feels comfortable to him, but he isn’t sure if it’s supposed to be.

“Oh, Link, look.”

Link cranes his head to see Zelda twist around and point out a blue flower glowing vaguely in the dark. It was beautiful with blue petals so light they looked almost white, and a sky blue bleeding out from the center before fading out.

He wants to give her a questioning look, but she’s transfixed on the flower. He can see the smallest of smiles creeping up onto the corners of her mouth.

“It’s a Silent Princess,” she says. “It was my mom’s favorite flower.”

He can tell something important is happening, so he keeps his mouth shut.

“She said that we can’t grow them domestically yet, despite our best efforts.” Zelda breaks into a full smile and it’s radiant. “The Princess can only thrive out here. In the wild.”

They both turn to look back at the house as another loud WHOOP cuts through the air, followed by the sound of a can being crushed against a head.

“Nature is beautiful,” says Link.

Zelda swats him and he has to bite back a laugh.

She turns and runs a gentle finger along one of the petals before sighing and leaning back against the tree.

“Thank you,” she says suddenly. “For being there with the Yiga. And for being there the whole party.” He can hear her swallow. “I’m sorry for being a bitch.”

“You weren’t being a bitch,” says Link.

“I was, though.” Zelda inhales beside him. “I mean, just because I’m under a lot of stress from my dad doesn’t mean I’m allowed to take it out on other people. I was acting like a kid.”

“To be fair, your dad sounds like an asshole sometimes.”

Zelda snorts. “Yeah. He can be.” He turns his head to see her lean forward to fiddle with the grass. “But he’s got a lot on his plate. And it probably doesn’t help that his daughter doesn’t want anything to do with his ‘legacy.’”

“Just because your dad’s under a lot of pressure doesn’t mean he’s allowed to be an asshole,” Link points out.

Zelda finally looks up at him and offers him a small grin. “Fair enough.”

“And besides, you’re your own person. You don’t need to follow in his footsteps.”

“That’s what I said,” huffs Zelda. “But of course it’s, ‘blah blah you have a responsibility. I didn’t raise you like this so you could waste your time researching pointless things.’” She sighs. “It’s fine. It’s whatever. I came to this stupid party to blow off steam, I guess. But Goddess, I did not eat enough today to drink that many cans of shitty beer.”

Link sits upright, alert. “Do you need to get food or—”

“No, no, that’s fine.” And that smile returns and Link wonders what else he can say to make it stay. “You’re sweet. But I’ve probably gotten drunk enough tonight.” Her eyes slide up to him and the mischief in them stops his heart for a moment. “You still have to try the Hot Frog.”

Link blinked. “...what is that?”

--

the endings are abrupt on both of them just bc i wasn't entirely sure how to end them akldjfasd. also the "Hot Frog" is gonna be some kind of mixed drink that gets link really drunk -- me trying to allude more to the original memory from the game haha

anyway, thank you so much for the ask! and thank u for coming up with the shitpost because it made me laugh the first time i read it hasdklfj hopefully i'll continue this one day and do ur shitpost au justice!

[kornito]

SOURCE: https://korngiant.tripod.com/kornisgoodforu/id10.html

Dead

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

All I want in life is to be happy", it's that simple. People say that it's become their own anthem. It's like whenever I start to feel good, something comes and takes it away and I feel like I'm nothing again, like I'm dead.

Falling Away From Me

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

The song is about domestic abuse and that there ways to get help whether it's telling someone or calling a help line, there are ways to get out of those situations. Noone has to be treated like that.

Trash

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

"Trash" is about how I threw my world and everything out. I threw her away. I threw my old self away. It basically comes back down to the sex thing. The battles I did on the road, this whole album is what I went through because I was on the road and I went crazy.

Beg for Me

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

"Beg For Me" is more of an angry thing because the whole thing for "Beg For Me" is the crowd. The only time I was good on tour was when I walked up onstage and that's what the song is about. Feeling wanted is something one thing I've always needed. I was shuffled around so much when I was a kid...Being up onstage was the only point was the only time when my anxiety would go away for an hour.

Make Me Bad

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

I need to feel the sickness in you" ... It's spawned from f**kin', basically, from having sex. That's where that line comes from, but it means a whole bunch of things to me. "Make Me Bad" was about the battles I had being on the road, being married and being with other women. I'm not married anymore... beause of my lifestlyle, and I just couldnt do that to my wife anymore. So that ended. But does it make me bad that I have a dick and I have f**ken other feelings to be with other people? Why should I be with just one? It seems like human beings are genetically engineered to procreate. Thats what we do, f**k everything, and that's what our natural insides want to do. It is hard to find someone like that. But she was a good woman and I didnt want to keep on... I did the right thing, I was a man about it. It was better for me to tell her and let her go on with her life and find someone who could help her and be like that. So that song was spawned by that, does it make me bad to want to be with other women? In a sence it was my only drug, why... because I dont drink anymore, I cant drink. I've been sober for a year. I dont have any other vices. So at least doing that could be something.

Hey Daddy

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

"Hey Daddy" where I was schizophrenic and there were these voices telling me to do sh*t... To kill myself, basically. Daddy is one of my nicknames, so its like I'm talking to myself the whole time. It's hard to explain.

Dirty

Song Meaning: Jonathan

"I feel like a fucking whore to record companies." "You know how it is...the way we are used and marketed." "How they make all the money off us and we don't make shit!" "The only way we make money is to go out on tour and sell merchandise" "Basiclly we write all the music and turn in and they make all the money." "So I feel like that and also I feel like a slut cuz I'd go out at night and fucking girls and so I said fuck it, I'm going to do it. The only way to escape is to have sex." "Its all kind of different issues."

Its On!

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's On is my sh*t peer pressure song. Me being so stressed out going out and partying. Everybody's just going 'Come on dude, it's on.' That's partying, it's alcohol, cocaine, women. All that wrapped into one. I wrote a song about it. And the chorus I talked about Why am I really doing this? It's all my fault that I'm doing this because all the alcohol, the booze an the chicks do is just make it worse. They just rearrange all the problems in a different order that I can deal with at that moment.

Freak on a Leash

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

One of the best titles I've heard ever for a song. That's my song against the music industry. Like me feeling like I'm f**kin' a pimp, a prostitute. Like I'm paraded around. I'm this freak paraded around but I got corporate America f**kin' making all the money while it's taking a part of me. It's like they stole something from me, they stole my innocence and I'm not calm anymore. I worry constantly.

Got the Life

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's a song baggin' on myself. How everything's always handed to me. How I look up to God and don't want this anymore. Like I want something more out of life than all this. And I've got everything I really need but I sometimes don't like. I don't know how to explain it. I have to let it sit through the songs more to actually get into what I write. I truly know, really, the meanings of the songs almost. That's what I'm getting out of it right now.

Dead Bodies Everywhere

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That was the song about my parents trying to keep me out of the music business. My father was in it and he knew how it was and I totally understand now that I have a son. I want Nathan to be a musician but I him don't want him to go through the hell I went through. That's the same thing my Dad was doing. A lot of people can relate to it, because it's like the Dad's wanting their sons to be football players and their sons want to be doctors or something. That peer pressure its like trying to make them something they're really not. And the Dead Bodies thing is like so I did it and all I got out of it was dead bodies everywhere and got all traumatized. Thanks a lot Dad, Mom.

Children of the Korn

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's the song that Ice Cube is on Cube came up with the title. I fed off of what he wrote, he was talking about growing up and puberty. Dictating what he can do, like how you gonna tell me how to live and who to f**k? And all this stuff. And I took that and in my stuff I was talking about being a kid always known as the f**kin' town faggot. It's funny how things change. That some of these people picked on me and all of a sudden look who's laughing now. Also in another of the verse I talked about all these parents f**kin hating me for what I do, saying I'm corrupting their children, but in turn these parents need to step outside of themselves and really listen to what I'm talking about. Then I think they can understand that they were kids before. They're just really quick to judge me. All the Children of The Korn are all our Korn fans. All those kids going through that sh*t and feeling what I feel.

B.B.K.

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Big black cock! That's what I call a jack and coke. Those little glasses they serve in Europe and everything. That's what I named it, big black cock. And that's another song about me dealing with the pressures of this album and how I, you know, I'm trying to kill myself, but you know? Do I really want to kill myself? Things I'm just questioning myself. Most of this is self-structured.

Pretty

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's a story about this little girl that came into the coroner's office when I was working there and she was f**ked by her dad. She was an 11 month old little baby girl. Her legs were broken back behind her and he just f**ked her like a toy doll and chucked her in the bathroom. It was the most heinous thing I've ever seen in my life and I still have nightmares about it.

All in the Family

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Fred was there after Korn TV and we said, 'Let's do a song together, Hey, man, let's go back and forth and rip on each other like an old school battle.' I don't know who's idea it was, I can't remember if it was mine or Fieldy's or Fred's but we came up with the idea and we started writing and we worked on it together. I came up with some bags on myself for Fred to say. It was all in good natured fun.

Reclaim My Place

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

This one is about the whole band and about all my life being called a homosexual. And then I became this big rock star in a band and I'm still called a fag even by my own band. So it's like I was f**kin' pissed off at them. It's like erase them all because I'm gonna reclaim my place and say hey, they owe a lot to me for what I did, and I owe a lot to them back. But, it still kinda sucks. I've never ever gotten away from that fag f**kin' title. Just because I'm a sensitive kinda guy. Kinda feminine it really sucks.

Justin

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Justin, that was the kid dying terminally with intestinal cancer. His last dying wish was to meet us and it really freaked me out. That threw a whole bunch of new kind of pressures on my head. That's really intense. Someone's gonna die and his last thing he wants to do is come hang out with us. So I truly just freaked out. It's like why would you want to meet me? What makes me so special? And in turn I talk about how I admire his strength and his life. I couldn't stare at him because he was so content he was gonna die. No one could look him in the eyes. And I totally admire his strength. I wish I had it.

Seed

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Seed. That's all about the same thing again. I laying in bed in my hotel room, thinking about do I really need all this stuff? All this pressure on me? Because I'm a stressed out freak. It's about Nathan, it's about every time that I look into his eyes, I see myself how I used to be, innocent and stress free. I'm kind of jealous of it. It really sucks, I used to be that way. It's like I have to work so hard at this thing in my life. I have to become a stressed out freak. I put food on the table for my child. Every time I look in his eyes, I just see myself staring right back at my @ss laughing. I was like care free, innocent as a child. It's really weird and I'm really jealous of it.

Cameltosis

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's a love song. It's about women in general, women who hurt me. It's Tre's lyrics. He's going on about chicks and my chorus is like I'm so scared to love anyone and really let them in after I got hurt really really bad by a girl. I've let Renee in a little bit, to be honest, but I'll never be that in love ever again. That's what I'm saying, if you've loved twice, you're gonna get f**ked, 'cause you usually do.

My Gift to You

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Renee always wanted me to write her a love song and that's why I called it My Gift To You. It's my gift to her, you know how I get sick. I always had a fantasy of f**king her and choking her to death. I fantasize about what it would look like me in her body and watching me do it. So it's like a really sick f**ked up song. I did it totally like, I love her so much, I want to take her out of this world. It's really strange. She used to leave notes on my pillow like 25 ways she'd like to kill me. She's got this weird death fetish. We're kinda f**kin' freaky. She got it. She's all 'Thank you that's kinda f**ked up. I was expecting a f**kin' I love you, baby kinda song.' I'm all, 'No, you know me.' I mean I can't do that.

Chi

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Chi is about a lot of alcohol and drug abuse. People turn to that when they have problems so that they won't have to feel their pain. The song was named after Chi Cheng from the Deftones. We named it after him because he used to call it reggae, and he loves reggae music.

Lost

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's the sterotypical thing about your best friend meeting a chick, and then you're nothing

Swallow

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's about being paranoid. Drug-induced paranoia.

Good God

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's about a guy I knew in school who I thought was a my friend, but who f**ked me. He came into my life with nothing, hung out at my house, lived off me, and made me do sh*t I didn't really wanna do." "I was into new romantic music and he was a mod, and he'd tell me if I didn't dress like a mod he wouldn't be my friend anymore."

"Whenever I had plans to go on a date with a chick he'd sabotage it, because he didn't have a date or nothing. He was a gutless f**king nothing. I haven't talked to him for years.

Mr. Rogers

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Back in the day when I was a speed freak, um... even further back when I was a little kid watchin' Mr. Rogers, that sh*t was scary. He was a freaky old man... Land of Makebelieve and Mr. f**kinMcFeely and sh*t... made me sick. So back when I was doing speed, like for 5 or 6 days I'd be trippin out and my brain would start to get freaky and get schizophrenic and stuff, and I'd tape it and watch it everyday over and over... I don't know, I was sick in the head. As a kid he told me to be polite and all it did was get me picked on. I f**king hate that man. Thanks for making me polite and trusting everyone, and easy to take advantage of. So I spent 3 months on that one song, just tweakin' on it, and it was totally just my Mr. Rogers obsession, about how evil I thought he was. Pretty much drug induced.

K @ # Ø % (Kunt)

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

People think it's sexist but it isn't. It's more subconcious b*tching at all the women who've been with me in my life. It's not about women in feneral, just those women who hurt me." "Initially, we wrote it to send to American radio for a joke, because they always chop up all the other songs. So we were going to send a 'real' single seven days later."

A.D.I.D.A.S.

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It stands for all day I dream about sex. It's about how much of a pervert my ass is, and how I daydream about what a stud I am. But when it comes down to it, I'm a f**king pussy and I'm in there jacking off.

a** Itch

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That was the last song I wrote, and I was so burned at writing out lyrics because everytime I write I get depressed because I start thinking about things, you know? So the whole song is about that. In the chorus it says, 'Before day, my sun will be dying'. It's because I put myself on the line all the time and for what? Because people aren't going to be listening to it anyway.

Kill You

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's about a relative I first met when I was 12. I f**king hate that b*tch. She's the most evil, f**ked up person I've met in my whole life. She hated my guts. She did everything she could to make my life hell. Like, when I was sick she'd feed me tea with Tabasco, which is really hot pepper oil. She'd make me drink it and say, 'You have to burn that cold out, boy'. f**ked up sh*t like that. So every night when I'd go to sleep, I'd dream of killing that b*tch. In some sick way I had a sexual fantasy about her, and I don't know what that stems from or why, but I always dreamt about f**king her and killing her

Ball Tongue

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

The meaning of ball tongue is simple. Some thought it had to do with oral sex, but in fact its about a guy we had to work with on a t-shirt (Jeff Creath). He either had a pierced tongue or a wart or something on his tongue and he was a dick to us.

Different live: Jonathan goes into a Rap (by Coolio) Called "Loddi Doddi" in the middle of the song.

Clown

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Korn was playing a show in San Diego for a clothing card. This skinhead guy came up and started flippin' me off. When we started, I bent down and the guy took a swing at me. Our tour manager, Jeff, got into it and knocked the guy out. I wrote this song about him: 'Scared to be honest with yourself/you're a cowardly man.

Faget

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Everyone thinks I'm bashing gay people in this song, and I'm not. It's really about me going through high school being called 'pussy,' 'queer' and all that stuff, about getting picked on by all these jocks.

Shoots and Ladders

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It was written because all these little kids sing these nursery rhymes and they don't know what they originally meant. Everyone is so happy when singing but 'London Bridge' is about the Black Plague. All of them have these evil stories behind them." "The lyrics are all from nursery rhymes, and a lot of nursery rhymes go back to the Middle Ages. They're actually pretty twisted if you know the stories behind them, like about Black Death and stuff.

Helmet in the Bush

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's about a speed problem that I had. You know, you do a lot of speed and -- if you're a male -- your penis retracts severly. The guy heard at the beginning of the song is La Caco, a friend of the band. His real name is Michael and likes taco bell. He's a really Nice Guy and he has been friends with the band for years

Daddy

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

People think daddy' was writen because my dad f**ked me up the ass,thats not what the song's about. It wasn't about my dad or my mum. When I was a kid I was being abused by someone else and I went to my parents and told them about it. and they thought I was lying and joking around, they never did sh*t about it. They didn't belive it was happening to their son. I don't like to talk about that song, this is the most I've ever talked about it...

[neonwizardheehee]

personal rant & brain dump bc I’m listening to bigbang and feel emo:

so i have a few topics that are circling my mind thus this will get messy (as usual hahaha)

- music as I said I’m listening to bb and the way I wanna cry??? mainly bc i miss my sis talking about them and being all happy and proud.. and just her in general v.v I feel like i overdid her with kpop and that doesn’t feel good. i was supposed to be the baby but i got too invested and now i am so damn invested i scare her :((( it makes me so sad :( but idk how to stop.(current mood & playing: let’s not fall in love) 

 - romance the new girls i met here are so different from the friends i have bc they are extroverts. i never had extroverts as friends before so i feel blessed now. we only met recently but they already were so open to me about things no one ever told me. like 3/4 girls i met talked to me about their first time and BOI i was so glad that we casually talked about it bc my other friends wouldn’t do that in a million years bc they are too shy. it really felt good. also no one judged me which was very reassuring. albeit me feeling a bit dumb bc i couldn’t really add to the convo but apparently I get better at listening ig? also that made me think that sex and dating shouldn’t be such an “important” topic as it is with my friends before. one friend sees it as an achievement to have a s/o but doesn’t talk about it or either brags (kskssk giiirl that’s so funny yet annoying XD yes u can be proud of your boi and brag bc i’m here for that bc i’m just so happy for you but ... not at random moments XDD). this made me realize how ppl refer to their s/o when talking to others. bc my friends who are very chill with their relationship always say their name while said friend (and ofc some others where having a relationship is important) always say “my bf/gf” or “ex” when that specific info is not relevant to the story they are telling XD

anyways it also made me realize how BAD i am with talking about my own feelings and wishes. since talking about my worries feels like complaining and i am good at that - but it feels random and uninteresting for anyone to hear i think to myself (it prob isnt). i feel so smol when asked about that topic and all i wanna answer is “???”. even if there is no pressure. idk why I’m like this and it makes me feel sorry for the people around me :( I’m so confused and idk what the question is. i can do better with writing but idk why but i wanna find out one day hahah. maybe i should just ask my new friends for advice since they are not judging me and i trust them and want to learn to be better with that. altho there’s this thought that I’m uncapable of love which frightens me a lot. I know i’m okay without it and i don’t mind but i feel so sorry for the people who like me? it also might be natural and I’m just stressing myself over nothing so idk what to ask and do -since you can’t force love right? i mean i don’t really believe in love at first sight i guess but rather spending time with that person and liking them a lot. so id why I’m pressuring myself so much with this :( maybe i am just too scared? or maybe i am anticipating too much? it all could be possible bc for everyone love is different and every relationship is different. so it’s mostly me feeling sorry for not giving back as much as i should and could :( - that’s also the reason why I’m so pro polyamorus relationships bc I know I’m not enough and idk how and if i want to fix that bc idk the rules bc there are none hahhaha - but also that makes me feel good bc i know i’m not responsible for someone’s happiness. i am too egoistical and these thoughts work as a self-protecting mechanism I KNOW that’s why i do this. so i’m not stressing myself even more. i just feel so unfairly precious when someone genuinely praises me when we’re just two ppl and no one else :( might be bc i don’t understand that feeling yet. i def want to know that but also i’m scared that it’d take me down a road where i loose myself (for some foolish reason idk why). so in the end ig I keep trying and get used to that (i already made loads of progress this year so ig i shouldn’t feel like I’m being too slow)

- studying okay so next topic is also just me feeling like i do too few. this week went quite okay and i managed to study on out study server everyday (ofc i had my bad days but i still at least smth). well yesterday i hastily did some vocab and then teh whole day i spend with friends & kpop... like LITERALLY until the night. a friend of mine was proud of me for taking a break (me too yesterday) but today i don’t feel good about that :( i missed so much. i’m scared it’ll kick me out of my study routine (since it was so hard to get my ass down to study itself!). i really want to be the person who’s studying every day and feel good about that. so since i have another thing planned today i don’t think i’ll get much done today as well :(((( i just wanna be a wise guy who knows a lot T.T i already made progress i know but... i want more.. i really wanna do well here and not be stuck behind like i was for the past 6 years :( i wanna have ambition again and not just pass... i kind of hope i can manage to study at nights on days like this but also i need my sleep so i stil have to find a solution for that. bc even tho i regret not studying as much i don’t regret hanging out with people. that’s smth i missed out in my first semester and so important in times like this were I’m stuck on my own. 

- religion so i have one christian friend here and yesterday we talked about church services and stuff like that and it was cool learning how it’s with her bc she goes to a very modern church (instead of me going to a traditional one 4 times a year). Suddenly i got sad tho and felt like crying :( even tho she was just stating her opinion i felt attacked and wanted to cry. after some thinking i think it’s just the way we are used to talking about religion bc we both grew up in an area where religion is looked down onto. for me .. i turned to myself and made up my own thoughts and beliefs bc i am too scared to talk and ask someone about it bc of all the accusations around me. religion was not smth to be discussed and only smth for yourself and maybe your family for me. the girl had to fight her way through all the “churches are old and fucked up and scary” things and since she goes to a modern one has good reasoning against them - that’s perfectly understandable and I’m so proud of her for speaking up like that. but like... it hit me on thw wrong side bc i am used to these old traditions and kind of like them even :( so it felt like she was insulting me. even tho she wasn’t.  i just dont know how to talk about religion and how to practice reading the bible or praying and hearing her talk about how she does all these things.. makes me feel invalid :( it’s like the only thing that i have is that i was raised a christian. but y’know for me it was okay since i learned in school not to practice or show my religion.. so idk how to do it... and i feel baby and sad if i have to ask her for some reason. i tried to look up this on the internet but ofc everyone is even more crazily involved there and it scares me SO much. so i unfollowed everyone hahah. i also have this one podcast but i still feel bad bc i’m not able to really read the bible on my own ig :( these days I’m just blaming it on the translation that i have but deep down i know it’s me who’s not able to ask questions at the text. maybe i should try to talk to someone... my sis who’s also in the same situation as me... or said girl to take me along and feel like a complete newbie and a little bit like an outcast bc religion for me is so different than to her.

- christmas i really enjoy the christmas spirit but i also already wanna cry if i think about gifts. i hate that i have so many people i love and will prob get smth from them so i have to make smth in return. i am overwhelmed and scared already. i didn’t even make a list yet T.T feels like i should block time to figure out gifts in my schedule bc I’m just putting it off more and more :( and also i already feel sorry for everyone bc they will get shitty gifts bc I’m so bad at this :(

[iskastudiies]

seeing that it’s almost the new year, i kinda felt like doing this. here are some things that i am thankful for this year.

1. getting into my dream university i still cannot fully digest the fact that i am now studying in my dream uni. remembering all of those sleepless night, mental breakdowns, and countless doubts i had when i was preparing for my CETS makes me even more thankful for where i am now. now that i’m here tho, i can attest that getting in is a lot easier than surviving and getting out ahhdjahaah (but that’s another conversation).

2. senior high school

ok so basically, i used to study in a science high school during junior high. academically, i was doing well. however, it came at the cost of everything else. i just wasn’t happy, and i wasn’t growing in that environment. so, i decided to switch schools for my last two years, and switch tracks from STEM to ABM (business). and wow, it was one of the best decisions i’ve made. i made so many good memories and good friends. i was truly enjoying and growing. there was still pressure and stress, but it wasn’t the kind that suffocated me. i was happy, and i will always be grateful for those two years there. big bonus is that i graduated with the highest honors despite my tardiness many absences (dont judge me ok hahdjsha i became lazy at the end of the yr)

3. college friends guys :—-( i have friends!! in college!! idk for someone who struggles with socializing, it’s a big achievement for me. before entering college, i thought i would be spending the year alone and sad. and tbh i’ve got a lot more to work on. there are still times when i feel like retreating back to my shell. however, i’m thankful for the people i’ve met and the people i will be meeting in the future (yes im claiming it!! here’s to a better social life, 2020!!)

4. academics despite my acads life in high school, i knew college would be different! i entered it with 0% confidence. i was already intimidated by the subjects that i thought would be impossible to conquer and the many people that i could not measure up to. so, i didn’t really exert that much effort from the start because i thought whatever i did wouldn’t make a difference. i didn’t want to try, only to be disappointed in the end. yes kids, this is a very toxic way of thinking, but i just wanna be honest and say that i struggled so much with this — aaaa the perfectionist in me :——( but somehow, i pulled through! it took a long time istg, maybe it was halfway through the sem when i woke up and realized i’ve got to move and try harder!! i’ve got to condition my mindset!! it was hard tryna catch up, but ya gurl is running for dean’s list, my gpa made it!!!! (im sorry im not bragging ok im just so proud of myself)

5. discovered more about myself for those who don’t know, i live in a dorm with my best friend. it’s my first time living away from my family, and let me tell you ok, it’s hard! however, it made me discover myself more since i had no one to rely on but myself. meeting a diverse group of people in college also made me think more about my identity and such. with the challenges thrown at me, i got to know myself more and i got to explore my potential more. acceptance played a big part of that. i’ve grown to accept myself as an introvert, a perfectionist, and most importantly — a work in progress.

6. studyblr ok so i have been wanting to make an account for the longest time! i just hesitated because i was shy and conscious hajdksjaja. but can i just say that it really helped a lot!!! it gave me inspiration on the days i really needed it. seeing all these posts pushed me to be more productive and to be a better me! more than the pretty notes and cute stationery, i began to realize the value of studyblr more. when i’m super unmotivated or dead tired, i just look back at my previous posts and it makes me feel better. i hope i become better at tumblr next yr tho bc im such a bad studyblr ajmdkaj,,, ya gurl doesn’t know how to tumblr lmao.

with that, i just wanna wish everyone a happy new year! thank you for being part of my 2019 :—( here’s to more growth and better health for 2020 ♡

[aplaceforthesoul]

hi! im having a bit of an identity crisis that’s less of a crisis and more of a state of general wishy-washy-ness

i (currently) identify as a lesbian. i started out as lesbian but i tried out bi and queer when i thought that i was romantically interested in this trans guy i met but as much as i liked him i really didn’t want to do anything that you’d expect of a romantic relationship and i wasn’t a fan of labelling myself as bi or queer either

i just feel most like my true self when i call myself a lesbian

but as much as i’ve come to learn that im not attracted to men, both cis men and trans men, i still notice that i heavily gravitate towards straight trans men, just to like be in their presence

now i cant tell if it’s cause it’s like a birds of a feather situation where i tend to just have a ton in common in terms of understanding being forced to wear dresses as a child while feeling very masculine, or that im just jealous of their masculine fashion sense and general aura, or that im a trans man with fourth dimensional denial or something

now if the fourth dimensional thing is true, i still dont think i’d want to *do* anything in terms of transitioning… like as much as i think it would be really cool to have a smooth chest to walk around shirtless or wear muscle shirts without a bra or just sleep on my stomach without boob pain, i don’t actually want to have top surgery

and it’s not like i have a large chest either, i only wear sports bras and they work about as good as a binder for half the price

but i do have moments where i look in the mirror and dont recognize myself, especially when my hair gets too long

but i also have moments where i look in the mirror where i love how i look, wish to grow my hair out, and question why i don’t wear that dress my mom bought me years ago

i know finding a support group would be best for all this, but most of the members of the lgbt+ friend group that im sort of in with and sort of out of used to tease me heavily for identifying as straight when i did, so i dont trust them with anything that could be perceived as a vulnerability

so sharing my feelings with people that i know in real life who are possibly going through the same stuff im going through that are nice to me (but are very close friends with the people who teased me to tears) is a big no no

talking to my parents is also not an option at this time

i just dont really know what to do, who to ask, or even what to google to find articles written by people with similar experiences

i like being in control of my life and my identity and i feel like my self-perception is melting

please help, or at least point me in a better direction about where to start with all this

I personally think we place far too much stock in labels and pigeonholing ourselves for the sake of ‘having an identity’ and all it does it stress us out further. So I’ve known I’m attracted to more than one gender and have done since high school - but I’ve never been one for labelling it more than “I like who I like”. Also I didn’t really realise that I identify as non-binary until very recently. I’ve just never really bothered with labels - I like what I like, I am who I am. Obviously, if someone has asked me about my sexuality or my gender, I’m kind of forced to label things. But for me personally, I don’t see the need to put a huge sticker on every aspect of myself.

Obviously, some people are like “I’m trans. I’m this/that” and they know exactly who they are and take comfort in having figured themselves out - and power to them! - but I also see life as a journey. And as long as you’re living authentically for yourself in the moment - then that’s all that matters. To me, it sounds like you’re so focussed on figuring it out, you’re just confusing yourself further. Wanting to be around trans men doesn’t make you one yourself - I also would suggest you investigate further why you’re so drawn to them, that perhaps you’re inadvertently (for lack of a better word) fetishising them?

Because perhaps you’re drawn to masculine people/clothing. I don’t mean that in a sexual way but it seems like you’re obsessed with masculine transmen for a reason. Maybe because you’re repressing things from your youth or even the opposite - that you finally get to dress as masculine as you want and you’re drawn to others with the same energy.

My point is, you can get to 31 years old like I did and realise something about yourself that you hadn’t ever really expected. You have time to figure yourself out. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself to be anything specific. Some people don’t transition until later in life, some people don’t realise they feel more comfortable with the non-binary label until they’re in their 30s...your journey is just starting.

But finding a support group and hearing from different people would be a good thing. Look for stuff in your area, there might be people who you haven’t met yet who you can speak to without fear of being judged. You’re not not in control by not having every little thing figured out yet. You have time to figure things out. The more life you experience, the more you actually get to know yourself.

Also there’s more to being trans than styling your hair a specific way or wearing specifically gendered clothes. Gender is so layered and varied and everyone expresses their own gender or even lack of gender, in different ways. I think you need time to get to know yourself better, figure out why this is something that you’re obsessing over and where it’s come from. What is triggering these feelings. I suggest finding a support group and maybe even consider talking to a therapist about these feelings. Best of luck to you!

- Bonnie

[mental-health-advice]

Umm hi I'm not even sure I should be here but I have anxiety and I just keep getting ever by everything. Cleaning people talking to loudly. Even trying to shower. It just takes so much energy trying to get these things done that I dont have. Do you have any suggestions. I know this is small compared to some of the stuff you get it's just it's hard and I'm working with a new therapist and I'm not super comfortable with them yet. So i cant bring myself to ask yet

Hey lovely,

Thank you for reaching out to us! We’re here for any mental health struggles, no matter how big or small! 

When you’re struggling with mental health issues, small tasks can take up a lot of energy. That could be because of having low energy, since you’re already battling your brain the whole day. That takes up a lot of energy, so there’s less left to deal with everyday tasks. Or it could also be that the tasks take up more energy than they would for someone else, because of your anxiety. It gets bigger in your head and becomes overwhelming. All of that is really understandable! 

What I’ve found really helpful is to come up with work-arounds. For example, my depression has been worse than it used to be lately, and it makes cooking really hard, because it’s a lot of effort. To still be able to eat dinner and not have takeout every day, I buy premade meals in the supermarket, because I can manage heating them up. It’s not the healthiest, but it’s the best alternative I’ve got right now! The same with cleaning. My tactic right now is to focus on making it /look/ clean. That means it’s not always clean, but as long as it looks clean, I’m okay with it, even if that means I don’t vacuum as much as I should. Maybe this is something you can look into as well? 

Something else that helps me a lot is social pressure. If someone is coming over, I’ll be spending time stressing out about how my place looks and I’ll be cleaning up my mess. For me, there’s a lot of pressure in my brain about appearing like nothing is going on. So when someone were to come over, a mess would mean they’d find out that isn’t the case. So then I panic and clean it up. I don’t know if your brain works in a similar way, but if it does, then it can be useful from time to time. Important though is that you don’t do it too often, because it is very stressful and that’s not ideal either.

I also think it would be great if you could work towards bringing this up in therapy. Your therapist is there to help you and in order to do that they need to know what’s going on. They won’t judge, and they understand that small things can be so hard. Reaching out to us was a really good first step that I applaud you for, but I also believe that you can take the next step. You’ve got this! 

You can also visit our anxiety page series, as it has a lot of information and tips on anxiety. Let us know if there’s anything else we can be of help with though.

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

[pinksweatergettingbetter]

warning, the following has mainly snarky (and possibly furious) opinions on Spirit of Justice. Reader discretion is advised.

-

alright, we’re here live with phoenix wright at temple temple 

lets see where we go.

-

aw he’s worried about maya. thank god someone is.

-

“I didn’t come all the way to khura’in to be useless”

prove it, edgey

-

oh its one of those lady gaga guards again

Lah’kee. aww cute

-

“I advise you accept the invitation”

well he can’t really decline it, miles.

Also “Lakhee” haha. at least edgeworth’s ability to mess up names is still here.

-

hm i wonder how she’s really spying on everyone. something ridiculous no doubt. 

-

oooh the ‘audience chamber’

i smell a cutscene 

-

ooh i was right

kinda

-

“this place is still as magnificent as last time”

wait what do you mean last time

it was listed as a new location in the map

-

“looks like you’re doing well”

damnit nick you made me laugh.

-

phoenix now has ‘bludgeoned by child’ to add to his list of stuff he’s survived 

-

we’ve already established that you cant get spiritual power from the orb unless you’re a medium already. come on now.

-

“For in Khura’in, only those who possess spiritual power may sit on the throne” 

uh im all for feminism and that but you might wanna open your king or queenitude to a wider and possibly more qualified range of people. 

i mean spirit mediums are awesome and all but summoning ghosts does not necessarily make you a good politician. 

-

“But the queen seems almost giddy for someone who’s husband was just murdered”

well I'm glad you told me that, phoenix, because i cannot fucking tell on her flat ass face

-

poor rayfa... she’s really grown on me. i hope she’ll be okay.

-

hmm. something just happened that i *think* should have tripped the magatama... but who cares. nothing works anymore.

-

“When it turned out Dhurke was forging evidence the people were devastated, and trust in the legal system plummeted”

anD THUS BEGAN THE DARK AGE OF THE 

NO

NO NON O NON NOOOOOO WE LEFT THAT BEHIND IN DD DO NOT BRING IT BACK.

-

“We have the divination seance, so we don’t need lawyers anymore”

yeah you also don’t need prosecutors anymore either. all you need is a judge to go “huh, looks legit” and into the slammer they go.

...and yet... and yet...

-

WHOA WHAT

SHE MOVES?!

also thats literally Morgan’s laugh but flipped. She’s evil. 

-

“it’s missing? I'm sure Dhurke had it when he went into the tomb”

why is phoenix so fucking stupid when he goes to kooraheen. its like when he sets foot on their soil his brain just drops every single shred of self preservation it once had. i mean i know he used to show evidence to blatant criminals but like, at least he had misgivings about doing it.

-

“From his odd hairstyle, may we assume him to be a relative? Perhaps, your younger brother?”

‘no, he’s my son.’

haha but in all seriousness considering Jove’s facial similarity to phoenix and the amount of shoehorned backstory for Apollo, they could pretty damn well be related.

-

wow. not only does phoenix yell EW NO HES NOT RELATED TO ME but he /also/ lets slip that he’s related to Dhurke. You know. Right in front of the queen who hates the living shit out of Dhurke.

Thanks for draining my baby’s braincells, SOJ......

-

“whats she whispering to that guard?”

oh i dunno nick maybe something about that thing you said about Apollo being related to the queen’s ARCH NEMESIS.

GOOD FUCKING LORD.

-

“That’s one swanky throne. I wouldn't mind taking a seat there myself.”

the audacity. and yet i love him for it.

“The jester and the crown. I imagine it’d make quite the interesting picture”

Ouuuch

“You know, Edgeworth, I hate to say this, but you’re absolutely right.”

he’s remembering that time he got all doe eyed over Dhurke’s mouldy jacket. 

-

why is the bazaar also a new area

we’ve been there before

-

...oh. warbaads sound like lions?? the fuck????

its a form of mimicry? to protect against predators??

when did he learn this again?!

-

oh god. of course. of course it would be Vore Machine who makes a fucking gunshot noise in the middle of a crowded area.

brilliant.

-

“since more people are joining us, ive decided to employ something that sounds like a gunshot to scare the fuck outta them!’

flawless strategy as always, dingel.

-

“What with the murder/suicide!”

he shouts with a huge grin

“Hopefully this means Tahrust’s death won’t be in vain after all”

GOD. even brain dead nick noticed it was abso-fuckin’-lutely pointless.

-

“see, i give my fellow rebels things that sound like gunshots, that will of course draw attention AWAY from them. yes, the loud noise things will definitely ward OFF the royal guards” genius.

-

“those firecrackers are more useful than i thought”

yeah because he used one on a fucking vulnerable child. maybe try it again when the actual trained police are on your tail, see how well that turns out for you. 

also fuck you Datz.

-

aw i love Rayfa and Nick’s interactions. She’s adorable and he humours her so much. It’s sweet. 

this is genuine by the way; its the highlight of the kooraheen cases for me. as i said Rayfa’s really grown on me. she was annoying at first but now it’s just kinda... cute?

-

“But hearing her all alone I... I can’t help but think of Trucy”

OW

OW

OW

OW

-

“it’s as if your brain-to-mouth filter shuts off the second you step out of the courtroom” 

oh man edge. you'd be snacking on your words if you saw his internal monologue. 

-

phoenix: men are messy. i am messy. 

-

where IS nayna...

in other news, Phoenix continues to dad at Rayfa

-

(weeping) oh god Rayfa’s so cute

please be kind to her pleaaase

-

(rayfa seems really worried for Nayna...)

yea maybe you should do something about that nick

-

Phoenix: rayfs maybe you uhh shouldnt do the divination thing i can do that

wehhh protect her nick

god she’s even feeling bad for being a brat. please just give her a hug or something, jeez;

-

i know its just a call back but how /did/ he get his hands on some J’suis Lebelle?

-

“I like my natural stress-grey very much ,thank you!”

-

“Do you suppose if I slept on it, I could see my father once more?”

OW

WHAT THE FUCK SOJ

obviously phoenix agrees with me. jesus.

-

shdgah i thought the notepad was a sandwich 

-

Huh! Inga was face-blind. who knew?

i kid, i kid. its probably related to queenbean’s magic surveillance shit 

-

hehehe everybody luuuurves edgeworth

-

Phoenix: drugs??? oh no I'm a cool kid. say no

(steals drugs)

-

n’awww. her birfday was the safe code. i guess even bad men love their daughters.

OH AND HER BABY LETTERS IN THERE TOO AHH

-

(yells) gfakgkkajafksj THERE’S AN ‘ASSASSINATION PLAN”

GOD

fake. fake fake fake. fake as fuck.

people don’t write little “my evil plan” notes to themselves. 

-

Rayfa: *sees picture of someone other than her mother holding her as a baby* MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIIIIIIIE

-

“I wonder what’s afoot?”

THE GAME, EDGEWORTH, THE GAME!!!

-

Edgeworth’s bitten by a fuckin dog and he STILL Cant manage a human emotion. good lord.

-

hmm. i know that was supposed to be comedic but the lack of visuals really kinda dampened the thing.

...plus, to choke edgeworth, the pressure would need to be applied to the front of his neck, not the back, and since the dog is on the front, it cant have choked him. it couldn’t have even pulled the “cravat” tighter because it’s not actually tied up.

(sigh) oh whatever.

-

Datz, emerging from a manhole to recruit 

-

Wow Datz sure loves to scare the shit out of children. What a class act.

“HAHA FUCK YOU KID, I HOPE YOUR DOG’S LOST FOREVER AND MAYBE DIES”

SUCH a class act.

-

“Ahlbi’s not exactly the picture of self restraint...”

phoenix he’s nine

-

“I worry about his future sometimes...”

of course you do, dad ;)

-

“You cant go trespassing like that, even if it’s for a good cause; it’s just not right!”

hey, trilogy and AJ nick would say otherwise, old man. you use to be cool. and interested in doing bad things for good ends.

-

weird haircut - friend of phoenix 

-

“a big orange spider leg” AHLBI 

he's right, but he shouldn’t say it!

-

“they were being pursued by royal guards!”

:) hey phoenix :) maybe next time dont tell the queen :) that they’re involved with her mortal enemy :) maybe :)))))

-

alright and that’s part 2 of the investigation over. apparently there’s a part 3? they sure are breaking the established time codes for cases in this game... oh well! stay tuned for the next time!

[i-amusemyself]

All 100 Questions.

Bloody hell okay thank you!!! 😄😄😄

1. Is a kiss considered cheating?Yeah, Id say so.

2. Have you ever faked orgasm?Aint never had anyone to fake it with 😂 Ngl tho its the sort of thing id do (which is terrible i know)

3. If you could have one super power, what would it be?Mind reading.

4. Do you think youre gonna be rich in 7-8-9 years?I’d be worried if I didnt have more money than I have now, but idk.

5. Tell us some funny drunk story?Oh jeez erm, I don’t really have any 😂 My friends occasionally remind me of the time at the school christmas ball one of the business teachers turned up and I quickly ran away while aggressively whispering “oh no he knows im a lesbian, aimee told him”.

6. Why are you no longer together with your ex?We work better as friends, its less stressful.

7. If you had to choose one way to die what would it be?See I’m really torn with this question. Part of me thinks itd be nice just to go in my sleep, with a heart attack or something. Its quick and painless you know.But equally I wonder if it would be better to maybe, like, have something where I knew I was gonna die. Because then I’d have time to try and do everything on my bucket list and say goodbye to everyone. Also maybe at that point I’d welcome death lmao.

8. What are your current goals?Idk? Im waiting on A level results which I really hope I’ve done well in.I hope to make lots of new friends at uni and learn how to look after myself quickly I guess. I dont know.

9. Do you like someone?I like a lot of people 😆

10. Who was the last person to disappoint you?Im really not sure??? There arent many people I expect anything from and even then my standards are pretty low. So like, I dont really get disappointed by people, only occasionally by situations.

11. Do you like your body?I could hate it a lot more, but I wouldnt say I’m happy with my body or general appearance. I struggle a lot with my features and my weight and the scars I have (which is ridiculous but thats what mental illness is)

12. Can you keep a diet?I mean if I wasnt on the diet im on rn (with lots of restrictions) id probs be in hospital 😂

13. If the whole world was listening to you right now, what would you say?Honestly id pass out under the pressure of it 😂 idk, id tell them all to take a chill pill but no one would listen.

14. Do you work?Nah, i had 3 jobs at once last yeah but now I’ve ended up with none.

15. If you could choose only one food to eat for the rest of your life what would it be?Either garlic bread or chocolate I cant decide!

16. Would you get a tattoo?I’m v much planning on getting one in the near future so yh!!

17. Something you dont mind spending all your money on?Plane tickets.

18. Can you drive?Yeah! I havent driven since I passed my test, but hopefully I havent forgotten how to that quickly!

19. When was the last time someone told you youre beautiful?…I cant remember. Thats depressing (not that I blame them).

20. What was the last thing you cried for?Argh I have no idea why I was crying, my brain just wasnt doing its job so everything made me stressed and sad.

21. Do you keep a journal?I keep a blog for diary posts but besides that nah

22. Is life fun?If you allow it to be, yeah

23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant?Tf is that supposed to mean? I guess if you know the person well it is.

24. Whats your dream car?I dont know about Dream Car, id have to research it loads to decide what my absolute fave it. Although rn I’d really love a ‘67 VW beetle bc theyre small and cheap on insurance 😂

25. Are grades in school important?My own grades are super important to me, (to the point its probably unhealthy) but in terms of how the people around me do, it doesnt really matter to me. I mean, I want everyone to do well, but I dont judge people based on it.

26. Describe your crush.She’s funny and all around awesome and interesting and good at deep convos and beautiful and way out of my league.

27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?The last one I read called The Bell Jar. It was unlike anything I’ve ever read and made me think about a lot of things. Also I related a lot with the main character.

28. What was your last lie?Eh, probably “im fine”.

29. Dumbest lie you ever told?Idk?? I only keep track of the good lies 😉

30. Is crying in front of people embarrasing?It shouldnt be but yeah, I try my best not to.

31. Something you did and are proud of?Umm, idk im p proud of playing basketball and representing my region/training with england. But i quit that so 👏 dicks out for my regrettable decisions 👏

32. Whats your favourite cocktail?Never had one

33. Something you are good at?Annoying people and being clingy 😂 also maths ig

34. Do you like small kids?It depends on the child, the day of the week, the lunar cycle, my menstrual cycle, how hungry I am…Yh legit sometimes I hate them sometimes I love them.

35. How are you feeling right now?Great omg I just got my best friend to watch mamma mia and now shes high on life next to me.

36. What would you name your daughter/son?🤐 there are a couple of names for girls I like and like 2 boys names? But i dont wanna say bc theyre embarrasing.

37. What do you need to be happy?Good company, good food and possibly music.

38. Is there someone you want to punch in the face right now?Theres always at least 3 people I would love to punch 😂

39. What was the last gift you recieved?My best friend got me a necklace and I almost cried its so beautiful

40. What was the last gift you gave?The gift of my company @only-slightly-dangerous 😉😉😉

41. What was the last concert you went to?I went to to see Amber Run in february

42. Favourite place to shop at?Um, as in shop? A place called blue banana probs (england’s hot topic smh)

43. Who inspires you?Kaitlyn Alexander bc they helped me to understand who I am and how I feel and to be loud and proud about it.And Luke Cutforth bc he’s so open about his mental health and struggles with self harm but hes so happy now.

44. How old were you when you first got drunk?18 lmao

45. How old were you when you first got high?It aint happened yet (and i dont really want it to)

46. How old were you when you first had sex?It aint happened yet smh

47. When was your first kiss?As far as im concerned never

48. Something you want to do until the end this year?What….does this mean….? Idk???

49. Is there something in the past you wish you hadnt done?It’s more stuff I wish I had done tbh. I suppose I said things I shouldnt have or got too involved in drama, but you kinda need all that secondary school shit to learn from it

50. Post a selfie.Lmao nah fam

51. Who are you most comfortable around?My best friend by a mile. Privacy who?

52. Name one thing that terrifies you.Abandonment without explanation.

53. What kind of books do you read?Anything non fiction about medicine/being a doctor/disease/psycopaths.Besides that whatever has been recommended.

54. What would you tell your 12 y/o self?1. Youre gay2. You and I both know you arent joking about being “a dude trapped in a girls body” stop laughing it off and confront it.3. Stand up for yourself.4. Chill out.5. Laugh a lot more omg

55. What is your favourite flower?It’s between petunias and roses

56. Any bad habits you have?Not answering peoples messages unless theyre Certain Person A or Certain Person B.

57. What kind of people are you attracted to?Ones that are out of my league and could kick my ass apparently. Also ones that are kind, listen and think a lot I guess

58. What was the last thing you cried for?Already answered

59. Is there something you dont eat? A food that truly disgusts you?I dont eat loads of stuff bc my guts hate me 😂 but besides all that I’m actually the worlds least picky eater. The only thing I dont like is raw tomato. Thats it.

60. Are you in love?I wish

61. Something you find romantic?All the clichés ngl 😂 just anything that says “i love you” or “i was thinking about you” really

62. How long was your longest relationship?Like 4 months? Barely long term.

63. What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?Oh jeez i hate these theyre so stereotype-y1. Bitching2. Not supporting each other3. ….?

64. What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex?1. Not supporting each other2. Massive egos3. Yelling

65. What are you saving money for?Uni so I dont starve to death!

66. How would you describe your bad side?Hmm, idk, it depends what someone did to get on my bad side. I’d say stubborn, bitter and angry tho usually.

67. Are you actually a good person? Why?I could be wrong but I think so long as someone has morally good intentions they are usually a good person, whether they always succeed or not. So yeah, I like to think I am.

68. What are you living for?My friends and the hope I have for my future.

69. Have you ever done anything illegal?Piracy? Thats it.

70. Do you like your money?….did I type this question wrong or??

71. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?Okay, the honest answer? Yeah. When I was a lot younger and less mature and someone said something that hurt me, I tried to retaliate with equally hurtful comments. I like to think I wouldnt do that now.

72. Ever sent nudes?Lol no

73. Have you ever cheated on someone?Hell no

74. Favourite candy?All candy hates me 😂

75. Is there a blog you visit everyday or almost every day? Tag them.Yeah @oneshappyplace knows I regularly spam her with notes in search or Quality Memes (im so sorry)

76. Do you play any computer games? Whats ur fave?Nah, as if I have time 😂

77. Favourite TV series?Argh I canny choose? I love the IT Crowd, I love supernatural, I love Sherlock, I love in the flesh…

78. Are you religious? Does God exist?I’m not religious and personally I don’t believe there’s a god or higher power but I could be wrong.

79. What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?The Bell Jar. See 27.

80. What do you think about vegetarians and veganism?I respect it I guess? At one point I was p much a vegetarian until I had to restrict my diet sooo. Tho I could never be one now, let alone a vegan.

81. How long have you been on tumblr?Too long 😂😂😂 Like 3 or 4 years?

82. Do you like chinese food?Love it!

83. McDonalds or Subway?(Never been to subway so) McDonalds.

84. Vodka or Whisky?(Never had whisky so) Vodka.

85. Alcohol or Drugs?(Never had drugs so) Alcohol.

86. Ever been out of your country?I’m currently in the USA so yeah 😂

87. Meaning behind your blog name?It’s p self explanatory and also v true

88. What are you scared of?Abandonment, deep water, knives, toys with battery packs.

89. Last time you were insulted?Ugh, probs like when I met up with a load of school friends for our leaver’s ball.

90. Most traumatic experience?I’d rather not answer that lmao (plus itd take a long time to type)

91. Perfect date idea?Chilling and listening to each other’s favourite songs while coexisting and eating fast food 😂 that or ikea ngl

92. Favourite app on your phone?Tumblr. Even though I hate it, it also keeps me sane.

93. What colour are the walls in your room?White and blue.

94. Do you watch youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?I love so many youtubers omg. Lukeisnotsexy, mileschronicles, realisticallysaying and filthy frank are faves

95. Share your favourite quote.Pick your fights.

96. What is the meaning of life?To live life to the fullest so youre happy and have minimal regrets. Also to be kind and helpful so even if you dont change the world you might help someone else to.

97. Do you like horror movies?I think….? But I’m not good at watching them alone 😂

98. Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?Eh…again, would rather not answer (we got some nice supressed memories here)

99. Do you feel lucky or special in any way?I’m still totally in awe of how lucky I am to have met my best friend from 3000 miles away. Like, the probability of it was so so slim and yet here we are.

100. Can you keep a secret?I think so yh! It’s something that I consider super important.

[smuttyfairy]

i just finished watching thirteen reasons why and im telling you guys it's not something people with mental issues should watch. i have ptsd and i have been sexually assaulted 3 times and i couldn't stop crying up to now whenever i remember something i cant just- it's so hard you know being reminded of something bad that has happened to you. but im okay tho, i can handle it. but the thing is that watching thjs triggered a lot of things in me. and you know the suicide thoughts recurred but im

working on how i can change that and relieve it. i dont want to the butterfly effect to happen to my loved ones. i want it to affect those people who have hurt me. i love my family and friends. i love my friends even if they betrayed me a lot of times. i would feel alone because no one ever defended me. they befriended the person who sexually assaulted me because they needed favors from him. and to those people who knew no one came up to me to ask me if i was okay or what. they didnt do anything

but idk maybe it’s because of the good things that they’ve done and the happy memories we shared that kept me still wanting their company. that happened when i was in 9th gr. but in 10th gr people made made up a rumor of me having a sex video. it wasnt true though i swear. and that resulted for me to have these teachers to pick on me, talk about me. and assume things. it really hurt my feelings bc one of the teachers failed me so i could not attend our “moving up ceremony”. i felt sad and alone

okay wth i forgot where i left off. but anyway, they were the ones who spread rumors abt me too. they threw me under the bus. they like befriending people who have hurt my feelings. i cant even forgive them up to now. but they did help me with a lot of things too. they helped me a lot. they’re nice people but sometimes they just want to save their own skin, act cool, and all those “popular kids” do. my group and i are popular at school and they value that so much. im the only one who befriends

those “quiet” kids. they call me weird and stuff for being different. i love them but sometimes it’s just too much to handle you know. they expect me to do tons of shit for them but when it’s my turn to tell them im having problems of my own they tell me their busy or they give half-hearted replies. i just dont fucking know anymore. every time im alone i think of all these bad thoughts and it makes me hurt myself physically so i could stop thinking about those bad thoughts

my life right now is a total fucking mess. and idk what to do anymore you know. everything is so hard. oh and when my friends asked “the guy” why he did what he did. he blamed me for giving him “signals” which i fucking didnt. because if i did give him “signals” i could’ve kissed him you know. fuck, even the mere thought of it makes me sick. my friends also blamed me for it. victim blaming fucking hurts especially when the ones who did it are your friends.

sorry for cussing. im just so angry at everyone. but i have to hide it so people wouldn’t worry abt me. i dont like being a burden so i’ll just keep it all to myself. sorry for ruining this wonderful acc’s vibe. it’s just that everything has taken its toll and i dont have anyone to talk to. thank you so much.

---->Hey anon~ sorry for my late reply I really wanted to just take a seat and relax and take the time to read and thoroughly answer this for you without the whole rush of trying to get this posted.

I’ve seen the first couple eps of 13 Reasons Why and man, I may not have mental problems nor depression but gaaahhh…the first ep had me triggered because I had a similar situation like that happen to me. I won’t lie that watching that ep made me feel a little sad and regretful and sort of empty in a way???

So definitely I wouldn’t recommend it to someone who has depression and/or mental issues because it is a show on very sensitive topics. I mean, it is a good show! Don’t get me wrong! I know they wanted to make the book come to life and perhaps get the message out that young people have their life struggles and how to change it or fix it or prevent it and etc BUT MAN OH MAN it’s still hella triggering.

And back to you anon, I’m so sorry you’ve gone through all of this :/ sometimes the people who say they’re your friends are so quick to turn on you when they hear a “rumor” about you with a guy. I know bc this something on a much simpler level happened to me once (a stupid rumor similar to Hannah in ep 1) and I can’t believe how powerful one rumor and one guy can get to cause a group of friends you thought you knew to turn on you??? Like man…what’s wrong with people? It’s definitely painful and heartbreaking when no one is on your side and believes you and you have to deal with it alone :/ It breaks my heart to know you’ve gone to no one about this serious issue with that dick bag low life of a guy. He doesn’t deserve to see the light of day hun and you should definitely report it to someone :/ I’m so very sorry again anon 😔

Also, I’m upset that your suicidal thoughts recurred yet so glad to hear you’re trying to change and prevent yet this from others. You’re a strong soul my love, keep on holding out ❤️ Everyone may feel alone and feel like there isn’t a way out and that no one can help them but in actuality there are people just like them who suffer similar issues. Definitely voicing out that you need help is a great step compared to keeping to yourself. There are people in your local community who you can go to, school counselors or therapists, hotlines you can call, and people all over on forum boards or social group chats you can talk to and discuss these problems with. No one wants to suffer alone and no one wants to be alone.

You’re a good person anon, I can feel it. The world needs more people like you honestly. Your so called “friends” treat you horrible in my opinion? They seem to fall into the pressure of wanting to be popular and not getting judged harshly by others. Tsk tsk tsk. Is popularity really that much important?? Honestly though, none of your middle/high school social status lives will matter once you graduate. No one actually cares about that once you, you know, finally “grow up”, so,,,,, jokes on them. (Of course what you learn in class is always going to matter ^^)

But good for you anon! You befriend people who your questionable friends would not. I’m glad you do because everyone could use a nice friend like you even if you are under-appreciated by them and neglected by them. Thank you for being such a good person to them. Honestly though, they probably don’t deserve a friend like you :’)

I just know you’re in a lot of pain and I know you don’t want to be a burden anon, but trust me. You don’t want to pent up anything like this and you oh most certainly do not need to feel like a burden to not make the people around you worry. You should definitely voice out your feelings and you should do it to people who care. Perhaps maybe your friends and teachers may not be a choice in that matter, however the option of calling a hotline to voice these issues would be much more helpful and hopefully beneficial for you.

I hope you slowly take the steps to get better and relax your mind and body from such stress. Deep breaths in and out are very helpful, get some fresh air into those lungs anon! Listen to music and sleep, cleanse your soul even if you’re bored! Take up new habits like exercising or maybe painting? Draw your mind’s attention away from your problem and distract yourself with things you can enjoy doing. Take care of yourself and please make sure you contact someone when you feel you’re at your lowest. Feel better dear💗

-All my love,Admin Smuttyfairy

[writelike-taradactyl]

I refused to make a post about what I learned from 2016...

But now I feel like I must. I’ve learned a lot from this past year, not just in education standards but period. 

You will never be good enough for everyone. That’s fine... don’t worry about everyone. Worry about yourself. You are what matter, you are the person you have to look at everyday in the mirror. Do what makes you feel good about yourself. 

DONT EVER BOW OR BEND TO ANYONE! Standup for yourself. Don’t ever be afraid to do that, again you have to live with yourself, they don’t. 

Don’t let someone break you. It’s gonna happen, they are gonna break you. But don’t stay in that broken state. Reevaluate, figure out what you need to figure out, and pick up the pieces... no matter how broken. 

YOU FUCKING MATTER! YOU WILL ALWAYS MATTER AND DON’T LET ANYONE MAKE YOU THINK YOU DON’T! IF THEY DO YOU ARE PROBABLY BETTER OFF WITHOUT THEM. 

In a bad situation? GET OUT OF IT. Kick the doors and windows out if you have to but don’t stay there longer than you have to. You don’t deserve to be in a shitty situation, no one does. 

Never give up on your dreams and what you aspire to be. Don’t let the doubt win. You can always develop new dreams, but don’t ever get rid of the old ones. You never know what a couple doors can open up. Have as many dreams as you want and chase them all. CHASE EVERY LAST FUCKING ONE OF YOUR DREAMS!

You matter, you are loved, and you deserve happiness. So go find it however and whenever you have to. Whether its making friends through a computer, or living your fucking life by hanging out with people. FIND YOUR HAPPINESS BECAUSE YOU DESERVE TO SMILE!

You are beautiful, even with your flaws. If people don’t like it, just remember, they don’t have to look at it and strut your fucking shit. Don’t be afraid to buy yourself nice things because you are so comfortable with your usual things. Try those fucking skinny jeans! Get that fucking shirt that shows your mid drift that tiny bit. Who gives a shit if you are a little big. DO IT FOR YOU NOT SOMEONE ELSE!

Never burn bridges, because sometimes you have a friend on the other side that is gonna need you and you are gonna need them to remind you who you are. That one friend that has known you longer than anyone and better than anyone, they are there for a reason. They remind you who you are, and even though sometimes they leave or you part ways, they will never let you forget who you are and what you came from. 

Exception to above: always use the 3 strike rule. Every deserves a second chance. But the point is to learn from your first mistake and not make it again. Not make it over and over and over again. If you ever feel compromised by someone, its ok to burn that bridge. Remember, DON’T LET THEM TAKE YOU AWAY FROM YOU. 

Who you are as a person is more important than who people think you are. Don’t ever let someone make you think less of yourself, because clearly they don’t see how wonderful you are. 

Your sanity comes first. Always. 

Somedays you will feel like you don’t have anyone on your side... but you do. I swear you do, you just gotta look a little harder for them than you expected, or wait for them to notice... they’ll know. 

It’s ok to feel like you need to keep it all in, but it’s also ok to let it all out. It doesn’t matter how, where, or when you let it out when you need to, just let it out. You are not a rock, you do crack under pressure and stress. It doesn’t mean you are broken, it just means you can only take so much. 

YOU ARE NOT EVERYONE’S SHOULDER TO CRY ON! It’s ok to pick that role up and be there for others, but thats not your job and it damn sure isn’t your title. Sometimes you need that shoulder. You can’t be everyone’s Superman and you shouldn’t have to be. 

Be the person you wanna be and be the best kind of you. There is only one of you, don’t let all that amazingness go to waste, because you are worth it. You don’t know what all changes you can make, but I know you can make hella changes. 

It’s ok the have mental issues, illness, and whatever else, but don’t use it as a crutch. You are stronger than that and you can defeat it. It’s ok to have bad days every once in a while. But you saying “it’s because of this thing,” Yeah, that’s why people think these things don’t exist. If it is a mental illness, get up and fight it. Stop using it to excuse your behavior. You don’t see a cancer patient making excuses for the way they act by saying “Its because I have cancer.” Sure not the same thing I know, but it kinda is. They are both illnesses, and both things people struggle with everyday. The keyword is battle, it is a battle so stop letting your illness win because you give it power over your actions. ( I know this is going to piss a lot of people off... but this is how I feel. don’t like it unfollow me. It’s an illness fight it, stop letting it win... I know its hard but if it was easy every one would have it. It’s easy to use it as an excuse, its harder to own your shit. So start owning your shit and slaying the fuck out of your mental illness. Because I know you can do it. ) 

Stop saying sorry so much. You don’t have to be sorry for everything you say because it hurts someone’s feelings. Sometimes people need to put on their big people pants and deal with the fact that everyone is different and everyone has different views that we’re not all gonna agree with. I don’t have to like your purple polka dots and you don’t have to like my orange ones. It’s ok. Your purple polka dots won’t make me love you any less. 

LOVE MORE. This is the most important one and the hardest one. Spread more love in your life. Stop judging people, THATS NOT YOUR FUCKING JOB. Start loving them, because you don’t know what is going on in their life or what they are going through. You never know how bad something can hurt them or heal them, and you never fully know a person. I don’t care how long you have known them. Just love more people for what they are and everything that they are. 

My 2017 is going to be fucking amazing, because I’m gonna make it that way. Because I have the power to do that, and so far I can’t complain. It’s time for me to rebuild myself to the person I was before 2016 and even though 2016 was a bad year for everyone, I think it was a rebirth in so many ways. It brought so many things back into my life, both good and bad. So just like every year I can’t hate it and I can’t love it but its a year that I learned a little more about myself and people in general and how to better myself as a person.  That’s one lesson I don’t think I will ever perfect, but as long as I’m trying to be a better version of me I’m going to try and push to be that person. Growth is what I need at the beginning of every year. I need to feel like I’m growing and I feel like I am in so many ways. I’m learning to balance things, and that to me is the growth I need. My life is only going to get better and better the more I battle for it to be better. I don’t plan on giving up on that battle and I hope someone gets something out of this. If not, it doesn’t matter. It’s for me. It was my rant, my venting. My catalog of what I need to do more of.