#but at 2 am this is the best and clearest i can manage

[lights-on-why]

(dont read all this. It's rambly. I just wrote it out and now I'm not gonna *not* post it. I mean cmon)

if anyone is doubting how cool I am, I spent the best part of an hour trying to teach chatgpt a version of fizz bang. (1, 2, fizz, 4, bang. Etc)

I changed the multiples (4 and 7) and then later changed the words because it was getting confused (Pop and Duck). Spent ages.

told it 6 wasn't a multiple of 4. Told it to write 6 instead of the second pop. It wrote "5, pop, 6". told it exactly what to write for the first 7 numbers. It figured out the next one by itself (when I asked carefully) Went over the rules again. Taught it that 10 was not a multiple of 4. It put a number between 9 and 10. I asked it why, and it apologised and gave me the exact same list. Told it not to write anything where it had written popduck. It apologised, and gave me 15 items. It had got to 7 correctly.

Got it to do the first 9 numbers correctly, with a lot of help. Asked it to remember this list as the correct first 9 items. Kept trying. It got confused but I reminded it that I'd told it when it got 9 numbers right.

Eventually managed the first 12 numbers correctly.

I never managed anything more. It kept getting confused, including, at one point, telling me that because 13 was a multiple of 3, we replace it with Duck.

I corrected it on our rules, restating them, and it jumped right back to trying to give me 20 numbers, without me asking, and with only the first 5 numbers correct.

I asked if it remembered the correct list of 12 items I'd confirmed were right, and it gave me absolute nonsense. I then got temp blocked for too many requests in an hohr

Yeah, if you read this, apologies.

ANYWAY point is, it's really really thick. Dumber than a 4 year old, genuinely (Longer attention span I guess). It's not just that it doesn't know that 13 is not a multiple of 3, it won't understand if you try and tell it. It can't understand "this item should not be in the list. Try again". This stuff is clearest for maths, but just as true for anything else. (Was telling me earlier that the queen makes her own costumes. Personally embroidered thousands of seed pearls on her wedding dress and all).

It can write your emails and summarise info but like... it isn't intelligent. It predicts, and glues together, but it can't work anything out. At all. Just can throw stuff together and often it'll make sense. It's like... Wikipedia soup. Idk. Maybe I'll make an intelligible post about this later. Prolly not though.

[clone-bar-79s]

Something that has been bugging me more recently has been the Council's decision to make Ahsoka, Anakin's padawan. Yoda intervened to help Anakin become more responsible and simply put, an adult. Now, while the decision may have been good for Anakin, who I believe needed a padawan as chaotic as him, I don't think it was the best decision for Ahsoka.

From the moment Ahsoka arrives, you can see she is a younger version of Anakin, who has been instantly nicknamed 'Snips' by Anakin of all people. Her confidence and open nature is what draws Anakin in and warms him to the concept of having a padawan at all. There is no doubt that Anakin helped her grow as a fighter and was a great Master to her, but there is a lot required of a Jedi Knight. A lot of which Anakin lacked and why he fell to the dark side.

So, we know that the Council has had reservations regarding Anakin and his emotional temperament, and assigning him a hyper-active apprentice made some sense. He would have been forced to calm her down, practice patience, and even learn to apply those principles to himself. It's a sensible way to help another person improve and it was a good effort on the Council's part.

But what about Ahsoka? We see Anakin explain to her in multiple situations why she needs to be calmer. But its never the way Obi Wan or Plo-Koon would have encouraged. After her outburst in the Malevolence arc, Anakin makes a show in front of the Jedi Masters to ask her to hold her tongue, but immediately takes it back when he says she wasn't supposed to have screamed it out the way she did. Instead he supports her outburst and only explains that she should have handled the situation better and that her emotions were valid.

I think if Obi Wan or Plo Koon would have been given the chance, they could have talked things out with her and explained the pitfalls of fear and encouraged her to trust in the Force, after which they would set out on their rescue mission anyways. They wouldn't have dismissed her fears altogether, but its the constant reminder to remain calm and one with the Force that isn't always Anakin's first response.

I particularly think Ahsoka's reaction to being framed for the Temple bombing would have been very different had she practiced being calm and detached. Yes, Ahsoka was only 16, and that's a real dumb age for all human beings, but her actions are completely un-Jedi like. She has been told for the past 16 years to control her emotions, so how could she snap like that? She gave in to her fears and let herself fall victim to Barriss' trap, instead of working things out with the Jedi council. In fact, the moment she sees the keycard outside her cell, she is sure that its Anakin who is helping her breakout. Ahsoka has no reason to suspect that she will not be cleared of all the wrongful charges, but still fears the worst. Because Anakin too would take the wrongful imprisonment personally.

Obi Wan reminds Anakin in one of the unaired episodes that Ahsoka let her emotions get in the way and was abrupt in her decision to leave the Jedi Order. He is right! The Jedis are encouraged not to make easy decisions lightly, let alone something so huge! When Qui-Gon is asked to join the Council, Depa Billaba mentions how it is encouraged for Jedis to meditate on their decision before they accept what seems obvious. Why is Ahsoka not aware of this? Why does Ahsoka not practice even the tiniest bit of patience???

Even when she returns for the Siege of Mandalore, she is so angry and frustrated at Obi Wan for not immediately setting aside everything to help out another entire planet. Yes, the Chancellor was missing and this high priority target had to be rescued, but how could she ignore the Separatist army that Grievous had brought along to Coruscant?!? Her reaction closely mimics Anakin when anyone doesn't see his side. His outburst at Luminara for accepting the Padawan's death. His outburst at Plo-Koon who simply asked him to trust his padawan. HIs outburst at Obi Wan who had been assigned a mission in the Rako Hardeen arc. In each of these situations Anakin doesn't see the other person's side. He may come to terms with it after a while, but initially reacts harshly and abruptly.

Instead of talking things out, he simply gets angry at the people around him and that was the last thing an impressionable, over-active, cocky, teenager needed when she was supposed to be on path to becoming a Jedi of all things.

I think Yoda's involvement in Ahsoka's assignment to Obi Wan screwed things up for Ahsoka. They paid attention to what Anakin needed, and completely ignored if it was the best thing for the 14-year old.

[neonacity]

LUCID | NCT DREAM ‘00 LINE X READER | CH.6

LUCID DREAMS - A TYPE OF DREAM WHEREIN THE PERSON IS AWARE THAT THEY ARE CAUGHT IN A DREAM WORLD.

Summary: It was supposed to be a harmless, professional transaction. You were to tutor a group of boys, get your pay at the end of the day, and go home to your loving fiance. Kids aren’t supposed to be dangerous, right? So why, then, are you caught up in a web of madness that slowly makes you feel like you’re in a living nightmare?

NOTE:This is a yandere plot featuring NCT Dream ‘00 line which means there will be mature themes in the story as well as obsessive, toxic behavior. If you’re a minor, please refrain from interacting. If this isn’t your thing, then just scroll and skip. In no way am I condoning anything written here— this is not love, this is obsession—nor do I think that any of the people mentioned here will act any way like in this story. This is purely a work of fiction.

Genre: yandere, horror, suspense

TW: abuse, obsessive behavior, toxic relationships, suggestive scenes, stalking, possible kidnapping, mental health. Age gap–though nothing dramatic. Everyone is of legal age, drugs, slight smut for this chapter but nothing graphic, questionable consent (?) I guess? Creepy, creepy, creepy! This will be updated as the story goes along.

CHAPTER 1 | CHAPTER 2 | CHAPTER 3 | CHAPTER 4 | CHAPTER 5

“EVERYONE HAS A DARKER NATURE. EVERYONE. GOOD MEN FEAR IT, AND EVIL MEN EMBRACE IT.” - JAMES ISLINGTON

The silent hum of the air conditioning filled the space like a foreboding chant. Nothing else but the sound of the hospital machinery and random noises outside pierced the stillness of the room as you stared, unseeing, at the green and orange numbers that blinked on the monitor above the bed. 

You barely have any recollection of how you managed to find yourself in the hospital, but you do remember brief memories of Taeyong picking you up from the floor you found yourself crumpled on after you got the call. You remember seeing Jaehyun's parents at a brightly lit corridor and his mother pulling you into a hug as she broke down and his father telling you how his son hasn't woken up since he was brought to the emergency room.

You remember your heart breaking in shock, mind too numb from the godforsaken pills you have been taking and your own injury. So many times you wondered to yourself if you were still caught in one of your nightmares, but every time you tried to break free from it, you're slapped back with the reality of how all of this is real.

Your fingers gently tightened on Jaehyun's hands now as your gaze landed on his face. He looked so peaceful, like he's just sleeping, that you almost wanted to bend over and try to kiss him awake. You don't even have any idea what time and day it is already, but you have barely left his side since you were brought to him. The nightmares and sleeplessness? They're barely a problem for you anymore because right now, you're entirely not resting at all unless your body forces you to crash from physical exhaustion. Even then, you usually only sleep for about two to three hours at best to make sure that you never miss a moment with your fiance.

"Severe traumatic head injury. He was lucky enough that the airbag shielded him from the worst of the impact."

The words of his attending doctor echoed in your head again like a faraway voice. You could only remember bits and pieces of what he said to his parents back then as he reported his findings, but you caught enough context for you to draw a picture of the situation. You remember Jaehyun's mother asking the chances of her son waking up again, her voice barely holding up from her emotions. 

"I cannot promise anything, Ma'm. I'd say he has a 60 percent chance. He's fighting."

And he is. You know Jaehyun inside out. He might be unconscious now, but there is no way he is giving up. Not from something like this. 

"Keep fighting baby…" you whispered in the stillness of the room as you lifted his hand gently to your lips to kiss. "I'll wait for you. We still have a wedding to do."

The slight creaking of the door barely made you look away from his sleeping face. You only did at the gentle sound of a throat clearing, your eyes slightly widening as you recognized the man who just walked inside the room. Taeil had the same mildly shocked look on him as he stopped on the  other side of the bed across from you. 

"You…"

"Are you a relative of the patient?" He asked now as he tucked his clipboard under his arm. You simply nodded, watching him quickly glance at the numbers on the monitor before his eyes settled on you again.

"I'm his fiancee."

That made him raise his brows slightly. He pulled a pen now from the pocket of his coat to quickly write something on his file. "What a coincidence. Not a good one obviously. I'm sorry to hear about him. Mr. Jung, right?"

You swallowed. You didn't want to acknowledge anything that he just said so you tried to divert the conversation instead.

"You're not his doctor. Why are you…"

"Oh. He was turned over to me today. I am one of the resident neurologists here but he had to be moved to me because his first doctor has too much in his plate already. Don't worry, I was briefed properly about his case."

Your gaze followed Taeil as he bent over to check Jaehyun's oxygen level as well as the other wires attached to him. You don't know what to feel about him taking over, but at least you already know him previously.

"Are there any changes? Positive ones?" You asked in a frail voice that Taeil definitely didn't miss. You told yourself to not act silly and ask questions that probably do not have answers yet, but you couldn't help yourself now. The man seemed to think over his words first, noticing your state, before calmly giving his reply.

"No particular ones, but the fact that there are no negative developments is… something. I will have to request for some tests to be done on him again tomorrow so we can see if there are positive changes in his brain."

Neutral. Not good, but at least it's not bad either.

"How are you? I was about to check on you again. Is your head okay?"

You were still thinking over his words that you barely caught his question. Looking up, you tried to scramble for an answer to give. To be honest, you haven't given proper attention to your own injury since this happened. You would even only remember to take your medications on your clearest, less anxious moments, which, honestly, isn’t a lot. 

"I'm uh… the wound has closed. But the headaches. They're still there."

He simply nodded. "Any other side effects?"

You didn't immediately answer. You didn't want to sound whiny, but it's not like you're going to lose anything by telling him the uglier parts of your recovery. You swallowed to try and dislodge the slight blockage in your throat.

"Nightmares…" you said now, voice soft. You briefly remembered the last one you had back in the manor before you woke up to the bad news and you felt your stomach turn again. "Lots of them. Hallucinations sometimes…"

The doctor watched you carefully and you know he is trying to compute things in his mind despite his face remaining calm.

"Have you been keeping to your schedule with your medications? Are you taking too much?"

You firmly shook your head no to his last question.

"No, I haven't been overdosing. But… I've been skipping my pills the last few days because of...because of this."

"How have you been feeling since you started missing your dosages then? Do you remember?"

That made you actually stop and think about it for a moment. Now that you are paying attention, you did notice how the nightmares have calmed down slightly. Even the hallucinations are almost gone. You frowned slightly to yourself.

"A bit… better actually."

Taeil took his time to observe you a bit more before writing something on a new page of his clipboard.

"You must have had severe reactions to the mixture of pills I gave you. I'm going to prescribe you new ones and ask the nurses to pick them up and bring them to you here. Can you promise that you'll try and take them though? You really need them to fully heal."

You nodded and gave him a slightly sheepish look.

"I will, thank you very much."

Taeil dug his hands into the pockets of his coat and gave you a gentle smile.

"Well, that's it for today. I'll come back tomorrow to give you updates about Mr. Jung." He had already turned and started walking away when he suddenly stopped to look at you again.

"Oh, and another thing. Please try and get some sleep. Recover… and then focus on helping your fiance."

******* You didn't really know what woke you up. Stirring from your sleep, the first thing that registered to you was the sound of distant traffic mixed with the gentle chirping of the morning birds from outside the window. A warm feeling radiated on your cheek and made the back of your eyelids glow red.

You flickered your eyes open and immediately rolled away to escape the ray of sunshine that slipped from the open curtains and shone directly at your face. You easily evaded it as you moved over to the other side of the bed which was empty and cold from the night before.

That was when you finally remembered that you were back in your home, in the same bedroom you share with Jaehyun. The day before, his mother offered to take the responsibility of watching over him so there was a sudden change of plans that finally gave you the reason to check back into your apartment after so long. If it were you, you would have preferred not leaving your boyfriend’s side until he wakes up, but you also knew that your future mother-in-law wanted to spend time with him so you relented. 

Of course you weren't thrilled to be home alone, especially with Jaehyun not being there, but the comfort that a real mattress provided—over the small couch you used to sleep in back at the hospital—is definitely a welcome change for your body. You even tried to take your medicine properly, the new ones that Taeil had provided, in the hopes of getting knocked down fast. Your adrenaline and anxiety had been fueling you in the past days, but you know from the way your heart thumped and your hands shook that you need a solid rest.

And you got it. You still feel a little groggy now but your body is definitely lighter and your head clearer. The nightmares didn't even come, and while they were replaced by total darkness or dreams in white that still made you anxious, you are willing to take those anytime over the graphic ones that you used to have.

You gently sat back against the headrest of the bed now and reached out for your phone to check the time. It's barely 7AM but as expected, Jaehyun's mom has already provided you with updates from the hospital. He’ll have some tests taken today as Taeil advised and then they’ll hear more about his progress. From the looks of it, she seems still set on watching over her son, which means you still have at least today free to yourself.

You quickly typed a reply to her and sighed. You’re thankful that even though you weren’t related by blood, his parents have always treated you as if you were their own. Having a family is not something you’ve really experienced in your childhood, so that’s something you’ve always appreciated about them. That is also the reason why you wish for the best out of this situation, because you also couldn’t bear seeing your fiance’s mother and father heartbroken. He’s their only son, after all.

A quick look around your room left you feeling empty. The last week has been so hard that it felt longer and now you’re struggling to find your normal pace again. In an effort to bring yourself to focus, you decided to pick up your phone once more and started flipping through your calendar to check your schedule. It didn’t take long for you to frown when you realized the upcoming dates there. You’ve plotted important academic schedules in advance and one quick look at it told you how much you’ve obviously missed in the past week. You’ve been so lost in the mess of everything that has happened that you’ve entirely forgotten about your job at the manor. You realized that they didn’t even call you once to ask about your absence, probably because they also know about the situation, but even that is not enough excuse for you to entirely fall off the radar.  

Biting your lip, you quickly scrolled through your contacts now to look for the number you need. Your thumb hovered over the call button momentarily, but you eventually pressed it anyway. Your eyes wandered towards the clock on the wall, hoping silently to yourself that it wasn’t too early for you to call.

“Rosewood Manor, how can I help you?”

You straightened on your seat.

“Hey, Taeyong. It’s me. Sorry if I called so early.”

The other boy seemed to have been taken slightly by surprise by the way he fell silent at the other end of the line. You tapped your finger against your knee, waiting for him to speak again.

“Hi. No, it’s fine. Work started for me about an hour ago. Are you okay? How’s things on your end?”

You nibbled guiltily on your lower lip and finally got off your bed to walk over to the window. You pushed the curtains open and stared at the slight snowfall that had started falling on the ground. You’ve missed so many days of reporting to them but the first thing he does is to check if you’re fine.

“I um—things are still the same. My boyfriend’s still at the hospital.”

“Oh… I’m so sorry to hear that.”

“Look, I want to apologize. I haven’t really reported to work and I didn’t even call about it. It’s just that—things have been so crazy lately, but still that isn’t an excuse for me to just not show up.”

Taeyong, however, was understanding as always. You were about to go off for another round of apologies when he gently cut you off. 

“Hey, it’s fine. We know you’ve been dealing with a lot lately so we also weren't expecting anything. Don’t worry too much about it.”

“But, the boys’ examinations and portfolio review is happening in three days and I haven’t really checked in with them. How are they doing now?”

“Oh...that. Well, we actually tried looking for a temporary tutor to help out but I...uh… I think he isn't really cutting it. Maybe because he isn’t the one who started the program with them. But he’s a big help still.”

“Oh god, I’m so sorry about that. I should have at least—look, I can drop by today and just try to fix things.”

“Are you sure? You really don’t have to. Don’t you need to be at the hospital?”

You started going around your room now, trying to gather the scattered papers and files that you’ll need. It’s a good thing you woke up early so you still have time to prepare for work. “My boyfriend’s mother is the one watching over him today so I have the day off.”

“And your injury? How is it?”

Your eyes landed on the new bottles of medicine sitting on your bedside table.

“Better. I’m feeling so much better.”

You heard Taeyong sigh in relief over the phone. “Thank god. We were so worried about that. Well, you really don’t need to go, but if you have time, I guess doing it today won’t hurt. It will help us a lot.”

A small smile tugged at your lips now and you switched the phone over to your other ear as you started arranging your bag. “Thank you so much for being understanding. I need a distraction anyway. I’d rather work than stay home alone… Thanks for not firing me.”

That made him laugh a little. “I’ll tell the boys that you’re coming over. Oh, and be careful on your drive here. The roads are a little bit slippery today because of the snow.”

“I will, thank you. I’ll be there by 9.”

******* “Noona!”

You have barely finished arranging your materials on your desk when the door to the room burst open and ushered an anxious-looking Jisung inside. You looked up quickly at him, only barely catching Chenle wobbling with his crutch before your vision of the entrance was blocked by Jisung’s tall frame. His hair looked swept up as if he ran and there was a slight flush staining his cheeks. He stopped right in front of you, stopping just in time for him not to topple you over.

“Hey, Jisung how are—” You tried to give him a smile but he was quick enough to grab your hands between his.  

“Are you back? Are you really back for real?” He pressed now, eyes wide as he tried to bend over to look closely at you. He looked like a puppy, the only missing thing being a wagging tail to complete the look. You couldn’t help the brief laugh that passed over you as you tried to calm him down.

“I am. For the day, yes. Sorry I missed so many of your sessions.”

“We thought you left us,” Jisung continued, his lower lip protruding just a bit. Just then, Chenle had finally reached the two of you, a slightly embarrassed look on his face. This is actually the first time you saw him again since the day the two of you had your accident and you’re glad to see him healthy despite his broken leg.

“Hi, Chenle. How are you?”

The boy scratched the back of his head and looked away slightly. “Fine… I’m sorry, noona. I wasn’t able to visit you when you stayed with us. I’m really really sorry about what happened in the forest.”

You tried to give him a reassuring smile and freed one of your hands from Jisung’s hold to ruffle his hair. The action seemed to have calmed him down a little because he finally looked at you again, a small apologetic smile on his own lips.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s not your fault. But be careful next time, okay?”

“Are you going to be our tutor again, noona?” Jisung pressed once more and you turned your attention back to him. To be honest, you’re still not sure how your schedule will turn out after this, but you couldn’t really bear to break the poor boy’s heart at the moment.

“Yes… I’m here to teach your big brothers today for their tests though. We’ll have to schedule you and Chenle’s lessons again. Is that alright?”

A brief look of disappointment flashed on his face but he was quick enough to pick it up. Jisung smiled and gave your hand a squeeze.

“Okay. We can wait. It’s good you are back, Jaemin-hyung was so—”

“Yah, don’t hog her by yourself. You’ll scare her away.”

A new voice made the three of you look back to the doorway. Haechan smiled at your little group as he strolled casually into the room followed by Jeno and Jaemin. The three of them joined your crowd and you felt Jisung finally let go of your hand as he stepped away to go over to his brothers’ side.

“Hi. Sorry, I only returned now. Taeyong told me that you—”

You weren’t able to finish what you wanted to say as Haechan gently stopped you mid-sentence. He leaned his head to the side, eyes briefly scanning you from head to toe. Unlike Jisung, he looked calm and only barely excited.

“It’s fine. We knew you’ll come back. How are you?”

“Oh… I’m good. My head is better. I haven’t had the chance to thank all of you for taking care of me when I was here.”

“How about your boyfriend?” It was Jeno who asked this time and you quickly turned to him to address his question. Your eyes briefly slipped to Jaemin who was standing behind him before you could even speak though, and for a moment you had the impression that Jeno was shielding him—or blocking him from you. You blinked a little bit in confusion, wondering if it was just your imagination that was making you think that way.

“He’s still… still unconscious,” your smile dropped a little but you tried your best to keep your voice casual. “We’re getting more tests for him. His doctor said that he isn’t showing bad signs at least.”

“I’m so sorry to hear about him,” Haechan said with compassion and you gave him a grateful look. Your gaze settled on Jaemin again, however, who for some reason had barely looked at you since he came into the room. You know that he can be quiet and reserved at times, but there is something in the air around him that makes you slightly worried. He’s so still, but the way he carries himself makes it seem like he’s so strung up at the same time. It also doesn’t help that Jeno seems to be almost pushing him back from view.

“Hi Jaemin… How are you?” You tried to gently ask him to make sure that he is okay. He didn’t look at you at first, but when he finally did, you felt yourself freeze a little. His eyes looked dark and almost emotionless when he met yours and there were shadows under them as if he hadn't slept properly for days. He didn’t even answer and just simply stared, his gaze blank and accusing at the same time.

Haechan casually glanced over his brother and chuckled. “Our Jaeminie here has been sick for the past couple of days so he’s a little out of it. But he’s going to be fine now,” he put a hand over the other’s shoulder and gave it a slight squeeze as if to calm him down. “Right, Jaemin? We’ll try our best to go to class today since noona is finally back, hmm?”

Jaemin, however, didn’t even seem to hear him. He continued staring at you the same way that kept you pinned on your spot.

“Are you leaving again?” he finally asked and you almost felt goosebumps rise on your skin. It didn’t sound like a question… but more of a threat. You swallowed.

“I’m going to have to arrange my schedule till things get better…” you answered carefully, as if you’re navigating dark waters. That didn’t seem to cut it for him, unfortunately.

“So you’re not leaving. Forever?”

You blinked. To be honest, you’ve been thinking of quitting and just finishing the rest of the month if things didn’t improve, but you don’t think that’s the right answer to give at the moment.

“No… not for now,” you finally managed to say. You watched as Jaemin seemed to visibly relax, his stiff shoulders loosening under Haechan’s grip. He didn’t say anything after that, but he at least looked away, seemingly more satisfied with your words.

“Great. I think we should get to work,” Haechan broke the silence and looked around the room as if the tension you were feeling was just something only you could feel. He nodded towards Chenle and Jisung then. “You guys go back to your own classes. You’ll have your share of noona once it’s your turn.” He then glanced at you, smile still in place. “Should we start then?”

You nodded. “Is Renjun still not back?”

“Not yet. He’s going to be here tomorrow though,” Jeno answered as he took his seat on one of the desks.

“I see…”

Haechan also found his spot, but not before you’ve noticed him urging Jaemin to do the same. Playfully, he took the pencil you’ve arranged on the desk and started tapping it against the wood of the table.

“Don’t worry. We’ll tell him you’re back. I’m sure he can’t wait to have his lessons again~”

******* You looked over the window for the third time in the last fifteen minutes and sighed. The day had been busy with you trying to catch up on the boys’ lessons that you barely even noticed the state of the weather outside. When you finally did, it took you by surprise when you saw how much of the ground was covered by snow—one look at it told you that it is at least a feet deep by now. Your first instinct was to try and maneuver your car out of the lot before your tires get entirely buried in it, but then you remembered that you promised to wait for Taeyong to come back before leaving the manor. The butler requested for you to temporarily watch over the manor while he tries to do some last minute errands back in the city, but it’s been two hours since he originally promised to come back. You eyes glanced at your watch now, then back at the quickly darkening view outside. 

“...severe snowstorm has blocked some of the main roads in the city at the moment. Expect heavy traffic and don’t forget to drive safely.”

You turned to the television now to catch the last of the rambling dialogue of the reporter about the weather. You’ve been debating on whether to call Taeyong or not to check on him, but you didn’t want to seem impatient to go home when you only really wanted to make sure if he’s safe. From the looks of it, he’s stuck somewhere because of the hale, too.

You were on your way to get your phone from your bag to at least try to shoot him a message when you suddenly heard it ring. Getting it just in time, you almost sighed in relief when you saw his number there. You quickly took it and went over to the window to answer it to make sure you get some proper signal.

“Hello? Taeyong?”

“Hey. Finally. I’ve been trying to call you for the last hour, thank god it finally connected.”

“Oh, sorry, my phone’s in my bag. I think the signal’s getting bad because of the snowstorm. Where are you? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, about that, I’m still stuck in town. The traffic’s so bad here because a section of the main road is blocked. Road maintenance is supposed to come thirty minutes ago but I think there’s a delay because there are other roads they are working on.”

Your gaze drifted back to the television where scenes of the same blocked avenues were being flashed. “Yeah… the news says the same.  Are you safe though?”

“I am. I’m really sorry for making you wait. I’d tell you to drive back and not wait for me anymore but I don’t think you’ll also make it home in time with all this traffic going on. I don’t think it’s going to be safe. Do you mind waiting for a little bit more? I’ll tell you once the roads are better.”

You thought it over quickly, a frown settling on your face. You really want to go home, but he’s right. There’s no point in trying to drive back if you’ll only find yourself stuck in the roads for hours. Not being a big fan of night driving yourself, you can already imagine the stress waiting for you if you add a snowstorm to the mix. As much as you wanted to leave, you’re left with no choice, at least for the moment.

 “I can… I’ll just wait for you, I guess. Do you want me to do anything here while you’re gone? Dinner for the boys?”

“Oh no, no, you don’t need to do that, that’s not part of your job,” Taeyong sounded abashed when he said that. You stepped away from the window then and took a seat by the fireplace that Jeno started earlier. Half of your concentration was on the news which has now shifted to a different set of reports also caused by the snowstorm. “They’ll know when to go down and eat. Don’t worry about them. Where are they right now?”

“Ah, I think they went back to their rooms? I did tell them earlier that I’ll try to wait for you.”

“I see. Yes, I think that’s better. Don’t worry, I’ll keep you updated. If things don’t get better, I think I’ll have no other choice but find a hostel here and wait for the weather to calm down. You can stay there and just ask for help from any of them. You can stay in the same room just in case.”

You didn’t quickly react to the offer. Instead, your eyes flickered to the doorway of the room before refocusing your attention back to the conversation. It’s not like you have anything against spending the night again at the manor—you’ve done it before, after all—but it’s honestly not really something you’re comfortable to do again. Maybe it’s because you’ve never really been okay with overstaying at strangers’ houses but your gut feel is also telling you right now that it shouldn’t be your top option regardless of the situation you are in.

Still, you didn’t want to come off rude to Taeyong, not when he is only being kind to offer you temporary shelter while being stuck in the middle of nowhere himself. So instead, you went against your initial doubts and offered him your thanks in return. It’s just Plan B that he’s proposing after all. 

“I will. Keep me updated though if you need anything you think I can help with.”

“Thank you and I will. I have to go now though. Please make yourself at home. I’ll try to call again after an hour.”

“Okay. Take care.”

You put your phone down now with a worried frown as you heard the line drop. You couldn’t believe this is happening the first day you got back to work but it’s not like you can really blame anyone for it. The only good thing is that you’re sure Jaehyun is being taken care of right now so that is at least one thing off your shoulders. You didn’t really need to rush anywhere, not especially to a vacant home. Leaning back against your seat, you tried your best to relax as your gaze travelled around the room once again. You deliberated on sending a text to your mother-in-law to tell her about your situation but decided against it, not wanting to worry her more. You sighed. For now, you guess you didn’t have any other choice but to wait.

You did try to distract yourself by watching the news for a few more minutes before finally giving up on it. With resignation, you picked yourself up from your seat again and turned the television off. For a moment you simply stood in the middle of the room, trying to figure out what to do with your time when your gaze settled on the door again. Everyone retreated to their own rooms after they finished with their lessons so it means the house is pretty much yours for exploring if you wanted to. You toyed with the idea for a little bit, before finally resigning yourself to it. It’s not like there really is anything else left for you to do, and Taeyong did say you can make yourself feel at home if you wanted to. With a sigh, you finally turned on your heels to leave the room and peered silently into the hallway. It was deserted as expected, but still your eyes travelled left and right to check if there’s anyone out and about at this hour. It was only after you made sure that you were alone when you finally allowed yourself to step into the corridor.

Of course, you have a plan. You’re pretty much sure that checking out the rooms on the first floor is acceptable since it’s where you’ve been rotating your classes so you’re going to stick to those areas. You remember finding a library there once and you focused on finding your way to it to maybe check out some of the books in the collection. 

It did take you about five minutes to finally find the place you were looking for. For some reason, the sections in the manor always confuse you no matter how many times you try to memorize each one, probably because of how big and similar-looking they are on the outside. You’ve already tried four doors when you were finally welcomed by the familiar-looking bookshelves at the fifth one. You sighed and gave one quick look around the room before slipping yourself inside after making sure that you’re alone.

There will probably never be a time when you won’t find yourself fascinated by anything in this grand home. If the architecture of the mansion is not enough to convince anyone how rich the family is, their book collection is enough to assure that at the very least. You’ve only ever taken a quick glimpse of it once during one of your lessons with the boys, but one look of the titles in their shelves is enough to make any literature major excited. You looked at the floor to ceiling collection now, your fingers gently running over the spines of the books you could reach with a small smile on your face.

You were about to check out the rest of the collection on the other side of the wall when something in the middle of the room caught your attention. You didn’t really catch it at first because of the shadows that concealed it when you first came in, but you could pretty much discern the outline of a blanket covered standee now from where you stood. You frowned. Taking careful steps, you closed the distance towards it to try and figure out what exactly it is that you’re seeing.

A closer look revealed it to be an easel covered with white cloth. You could see the outline of the canvas where the blanket falls over it while shadows of colors peeked out into the thin fabric from the surface it was covering. How odd… you knew that Renjun had a different art room for his paintings so to see this now here in the middle of the library seems uncanny.

You didn’t know how long you remained standing in front of it, too. You know you should have walked away—after all, the white cloth hiding it away from plain view means whatever is on that canvas is not meant for everyone’s eyes to see, but you simply couldn’t tear yourself away from it. It’s as if there was a silent force asking you to pull that cloth to reveal what’s underneath, the inclination so strong that you could almost hear its voice breathing down next to your ear, unrelenting until you do what it says.

The next thing you know, you had your hand attached to one end of the fabric. You stared at it now, wondering last minute if you should go ahead or not. You swallowed and glanced around one last time around the room. If you’re alone… it wouldn’t hurt if you could take a peek, right? Nobody will know. You just have to see, then cover it back again. Before you could even think about it too much, your arm was finally moving on its own as it gently tugged at the covering. You watched as it fell gently on the floor, like a bodiless ghost melting into the shadows on the ground.

Your eyes couldn’t make out what you were seeing at first. The dim lighting of the room wasn’t helping at all, but you were sure that it was a woman’s silhouette that was staring back at you from the canvas. Colors swirled around her, like some unknown mass trying to drag her back into unknown depths. Shapes and tones jumped from the picture, but her form stood out from the rest, gracefully twisted as if she was in the middle of trying to fight and succumb to it at the same time. You frowned. Taking a step closer towards it, you tried to study its details under what little illumination the lamps above afforded you.

That’s when it all happened simultaneously. Your heart stopped beating the same time your eyes widened as they finally focused on what’s in front of them. It’s as if the ground suddenly vanished from underneath your feet and you were falling, falling, deep into the abyss despite your body being frozen in fear and shock.

You know this painting. You’ve seen it before. It was the same one by Renjun, the one that you saw on your first day working in the manor.

But it was different now. Instead of the unfinished state that caught your attention before, everything about the picture now is in sharp focus. The lines on the woman’s nude body, the hands—which you thought were simply dark swirls dragging her back—and her face twisted beautifully in pleasure and madness stared back at you like a nightmare.

But it was not those which truly shook you to your core. It’s the realization that it was your own face in the portrait that was staring back at you, silently screaming for you to run away.

You stumbled back in shock. Your chest felt tight as you tried to grasp for air while your hands fumbled to find something to hold on to keep you from crashing on the ground. Before you could even take another step, however, something hard hit your back and you felt strong arms wrap around your waist like a vice. You have barely realized what was happening when you felt someone lean over your shoulder, lips pressing against the shell of your ear.

“Isn’t it beautiful? You’re the perfect muse, don’t you think?” Renjun asked softly as he pressed a gentle kiss to your temple.

******* You didn’t know how long you stayed frozen in his embrace. For a brief moment you thought you were dreaming again until you felt his arms slowly tighten around your waist. As if a jolt of electricity shocked you, you immediately turned to push him away as you scrambled to put some distance between the two of you.

Renjun didn’t seem the least bothered when your eyes finally focused on him. He remained on his spot, his gaze on you unwavering. You, meanwhile, were shaking from head to toe, the vision of the painting still branded vividly in your head.

“Renjun—what’s this?” you managed to stutter as you pointed at the artwork in the middle of the room. You couldn’t even spare to look at it again while he merely gave it a casual glance.

“It’s you. I’ve been working on it for a long time. I was about to show it to you but it seems like you couldn’t wait for it yourself.”

You felt nauseous. A part of your rational mind was slowly losing it as you tried to process his answer. Something's not right. Something is so terribly wrong.

“Why—why did you do this?”

Renjun simply stared at you and leaned his head a little bit to the side as if he was only mildly curious of your reaction. Your stomach turned even before hearing his answer.

“You said it’s beautiful.”

“This is not right—!”

“I came home because they said you were leaving for good,” he continued speaking softly, effectively cutting you from what you were about to say. The hairs on the back of your neck stood on end and you took another step back as you watched him get close to his artwork. You watched in horror as his thin fingers lovingly ran over the corners of the canvas. “Jaemin almost lost it… It’s a good thing I got here on time.”

And just like that, everything seemed to have clicked into place. The glances, the touches, the words that seemed to have a different undercurrent under them… they weren’t just fragments of your imagination. Every little thing that has gnawed at you from the inside came into crystal clear focus and you felt your knees go weak from the weight of it all. It took every fiber of your being to try and keep yourself steady now, your legs moving on their own as they took small backward steps away from the boy staring at you now with dead eyes. You couldn’t breathe, but it was the last words he told you that finally snapped you to run.

“I don’t think you’ve realized it yet. But no, you cannot leave. Ever.”

You didn’t know where you got the energy for it but in seconds you were flying out of that room and running blindly down the darkened corridors. Your blood pumped noisily in your ears and your chest felt like it was going to split from the sudden exertion you put on it, but you didn’t stop, not even looking back as you tried to put as much distance between you and the library. You didn’t even know where you were going. All you’re focused on is to find the exit and leave the house as soon as possible.

A loud bang that sounded off to your right startled you and you screamed, the force of your shock making you whip around and almost lose your balance. Before you could even hit the floor, however, a pair of hands caught you and you immediately turned, grasping at the chest of your rescuer.

You froze. Haechan smiled down at you as he tried to steady you on your feet.

“Haechan,” you gasped as you took fistfuls of his shirt and tried to shake him in your panic. “Renjun—he’s—please, help me. He’s after me—” you gasped out, almost out of your wits. You’re on the verge of a total breakdown that it almost escaped you, the way he simply smiled down on your shaking form. It was only when you felt one of his hands gently caress the top of your head that reality slapped you in the face again. You suddenly stopped struggling in his hold, pupils shaking as you watched him study your features lovingly.

“Shh… it’s fine. I got you,” he whispered and you could swear ice pricked you from the inside. A slight movement to the right made you turn your head and you saw Jaemin lean casually against the banister of the stairs, his face serene. He gave you one quick look before a gentle smile finally lit up his features.

“Has it started?” he asked and you felt Haechan’s hold on you tighten.

“It has.”

You didn’t struggle. It was as if any trace of fight you had left you in that moment and you let your hands fall limply on your sides. Haechan also loosened his grip on you and you stared at the two boys blankly, your chest heaving as if fighting for air. They didn’t move from their spots and simply followed you with their eyes as if relishing the fear and realization flashing in your face.

Trapped.

You’re trapped.

You’ve always been.

You didn’t even realize that your legs had started moving again on their own as the pieces of the puzzle started to fall together in your mind. You were only shaken from it when your back finally hit the front door, the cold metal of the knob pressing against your spine. Jaemin and Haechan remained on their spots still, even as you blindly reached out for it from behind.

You were expecting it to be locked, so you were a little bit surprised when you felt it give way under your hand when you tried to turn it open. Just before you could even entertain the idea of escaping, however, any trace of hope you had quickly died as you turned and came face to face with Jeno standing right in front of the entrance. He didn’t look the least surprised seeing you there, as if he was waiting for you in the first place.

You eyes took in his calm countenance before slowly moving to stare downwards at what he was holding by his side. Your gaze locked on it in fear, and that’s when the flight response in you flared up again.

Jeno’s hunting rifle shone dully in the light of the entryway, his pale fingers wrapped on its handle.

“There’s really only one place you can run, noona, but I won’t advise it,” he said evenly and you felt your blood freeze in your veins.

“After all, no matter where you hide, I’ll still find you in that forest.”

It happened all at once. You broke into a run, your body screaming at you to go faster as you heard gunshots pierce the air.

---

CHAPTER 7

A/N: Good lord, I wasn’t expecting I’d finish this today but I got one large iced coffee and well... things happened. Anyway, enjoy! Let’s hope the format won’t mess up this time. T.T Finally, all hell broke loose~ <3

Tag list! 

@negincho, @jhornytrash, @jaeminhyuckiii, @jungwoosswhore​, @jsturkey, @aj-7, @pukupukupawpau, @tomiesgirlfren, @vsszn, @those-winternights, @xsnelly, @lihyuck, @laheyspizza, @miyeux27, @haoshitt, @mindofthescattered, @huangberryyy, @d1nne, @choppedupcactus, @neokat​, @yutasnabi​

[whorefordazai]

hi hi its me!! im just feeling really bad and holding my tears rn. can i get anything with aku/chuu/dazai, whoever u deem more fit! they are my comfort bbys. running away from home, even if its just for a night,maybe going to some rooftop or a drive at night. my situation at home isnt the best and i feel rly caged and anxious bc i don't have friends to go out with when my situation gets overwhelming so i just break down in my room haha. anyways, i hope this is good enough? just some comfort or validating words!! sending hugs to u rai, ilysm. thank u for doing this its basically therapy for me ajsbdhd ❤️🌷

I hope things get better for you bestie, love you <33

“Till forever falls apart”

ft. dazai x gn! reader

genre: fluff, comfort

wc: 1.5k (I think🥲)

synopsis: running away from home with dazai yup yup !! simply a big fat cliche but it’s my guilty pleasure of fluff 🌝 includes a lot of kisses, hand holding, and comfort 🧍‍♂️

Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick the fucking tock.

The clock made no noise, but you imagined it did. After all, that was what usually happened when one planned to sneak out during ungodly hours of the night. Looking at the time, it read 3:54 am.

You couldn’t stay here for one more second.

Swiftly, yet quietly lifting off the covers from your body, you got up from bed, and made your way to the window. It wasn’t sunrise yet. The sky was still dark, the streets peacefully quiet. The street lamp flickered, the airy fog was light against the ground.

It was perfect.

It wasn’t perfectly planned—but knowing Dazai, it wouldn’t go completely wrong. Feeling suffocated and unable to stay home, you had spontaneously called him two hours prior, around 2 am. His disoriented sleepy voice had picked up the call.

“...Hm? Babe? What time is it...” Dazai’s delicate husky voice spoke through the phone.

You could almost imagine him letting out a yawn and stretching out in his futon, brown curls resting against his face, his eyes tearing up from the yawn. You mentally cursed yourself when a smile appeared on your lips from hearing the mere sound of his voice.

You cleared your throat. “Yeah, it’s 2 am. Listen I...” your words stopped before you could continue. You gulped. Would he even be up for this? Would he be up for running away?

Dazai seemed to notice your voice falter. He spoke more hushed this time. “Are you okay? Are you safe? Do you need me to get you?”

You stayed silent for a few seconds before exhaling.

“No...well, yes but no. And...no you don’t need to come get me. I just wanted to hear your voice, Osamu. Thanks—you can go back to sleep now.”

You bit your lip, your finger hovered over the hang up button.

“ADADADA WAIT!—“

You raised an eyebrow. Dazai’s voice now spoke louder, as if his tone was full of mischief. “Huh?”

“Darling, I wasn’t sleeping anyway. In what universe would Dazai Osamu be sleeping at 2 am? C’mon sweetheart—you know me better than that.” He chuckled.

Your breathe hitched for a second—and then you laughed. It was a quiet airy laugh. He’s right...what was I so worried about?

“Okay then,” you giggled, voice laced with a plan.

“What do say about running away with me at 4 am?”

“Why that is...MARVELOUS!! Running away is what I do best!”

You laughed again, still managing to keep a hushed voice. “Alright—then come pick me up at 4 am will you? 4 am sharp.”

“You got it, babe.” You could almost picture his devilish smirk and golden brown eyes glinting with mischief.

The clock now read 4:01 am. Dazai was definitely here.

You gulped as you opened the window in your room, careful not to make even the tiniest noise.

And there he was.

It was barely noticeable, but you could see Dazai’s figure between the dark shadows in the car. As you both made eye contact, a smile appeared on your lips.

Just to be cheesy, you blew him a kiss, and he dramatically caught—pressing his fingers to his lips.

Getting out of the window was the easy part—actually leaving without anyone noticing was going to be difficult. It would’ve been even more difficult if Dazai wasn’t here to help you.

“Hi.” You smiled, sitting down on the passenger seat next to him.

“Hi.” He smiled back. The two of you looked at each other for a few seconds, before Dazai moved closer and put a hand on your cheek, immediately locking lips with you.

Hands immediately wrapping around his neck, you smiled into the kiss. The butterflies in your stomach exploded when his hand wrapped around your waist, squeezing your hip. When his tongue brushed against your bottom lip, you breathlessly chuckled and pulled back.

“Hurry, let’s get out of here! We can continue this later~” You scratched the back of your neck, cheeks flushed pink.

“Off we go then!” He smirked, eyes looking forward and hands shifting the car gear.

And you were off.

Probably driving around seventy miles per hour, Dazai rolled down the windows and turned on the radio for some music. You grinned, hearing the sound of the breeze down the music.

“This is—why didn’t we do this sooner!?” You laughed, feeling the wind flush against your face. You looked over to Dazai, who had an equally huge smile on his face, his brown curls being swept back by the wind.

“Y/n—we’re about to drive through a tunnel. Peek your head out the car roof! I swear, it’ll feel amazing!” Dazai beamed, sliding open the car roof so that you would be ready.

“Huh?! Are you sure—”

“I’m very fucking sure!!” He laughed.

“OH—okay then!” A smirk appeared on your lips as you stood up and peaked out half your body through the roof.

It was fucking amazing.

The tunnel was brightly lit with yellow lights, the wind was blowing through your hair. In that moment...hell, you couldn’t even explain how you were feeling in this moment.

As the car stopped on a red light, you sat back down in your seat and closed the car roof. Dazai smirked. “That was cool, right?”

“Very fucking cool. Although, next time I’d like to do in your arms.” You smiled. He raised his eyebrows, and grabbed your hand, kissing your knuckles.

A sudden chill went through your body as the wind blew colder. You shivered, rubbing your arms up and down. You chuckled to yourself. I must’ve forgotten to grab a hoodie in all this rush…

“Here, put this on.” Dazai chuckled, leaning to the back seat and grabbing a black hoodie. You eyed him carefully, grabbing the hoodie he was handing to you.

Putting it on, you immediately felt a sense of warmth envelope your skin. Shivering once again, you hugged yourself. It smelled exactly like him.

“Thanks, Osamu…” you softly smiled. He glanced your way for a few seconds before nodding. “No problemo!”

“...No, seriously.” You lightly scoffed with a small smile on your face. You put your hand on his.

“Without you...I would’ve still been stuck there. You have no idea how much you’ve helped….”

Your words were stopped when you felt Dazai grab your hand and intertwine your fingers. He turned his head towards you, a smile on his lips. “I know...call me anytime, okay? I wanna see you all the time.”

You pressed a quick kiss on his lips, sitting back in your seat. Your eyes were practically lit up as you rubbed small circles on Dazai’s knuckles.

You felt simply...the only word to describe it was euphoric. The rush in your bones. It was so fucking cliche, running away with your boyfriend at 4 am.

It was so perfectly cliche that you couldn’t help but laugh to yourself.

“We’re here,” Dazai’s voice sang as he slowed down the car to a complete stop. You looked ahead—it was fairly dark, only a few street laps illuminating the building in front of you.

“An abandoned building…?” Your mouth opened, eyes a little wide.

“Yup! Now come on….” Dazai smiled, pulling your hood over your head and squeezing your face. He moved closer and pressed several kisses on your cheeks, nose, and forehead. Practically anywhere he could get access too.

“H-hey! that’s—a lot—of—kisses!!” You managed to say between breaths as he continued to kiss your lips every time you began to talk. Both his hands were squeezing your cheeks like a baby.

He suddenly laughed, the soft grip on your cheeks now turning into a caress. Dazai’s thumb rubbed soft circles against your cheek. He seemed to quiet down, but he was now staring into your eyes

“Uh...are we gonna go inside or…?” You raised an eyebrow, gently tucking a piece of his hair behind his ear. It was soft, just like how you remembered it to be.

“Yeah...let’s go.” He smirked, hands leaving your face and opening his own door to get out of the car. You got out a second after him, feet hitting the soft dirt.

Dazai suddenly clasped your hand in his, pulling you with him as he dashed to the entrance. Your eyes flew open. “W-wait! Dazai, you seem really excited—“

“No time to speak, darling—were on the move!!” He laughed, pulling the both of you up endless stairs. You felt an enabling rush as Dazai ran ahead of you, hands held together. The buzz in your body, the euphoric smile that never left your lips.

“We’re here,” Dazai gasped out, coming to a halt. The breeze gently blew across the huge clearing. You rested your hands on your knees for a second, just to catch your breath.

“We’re...on the roof…?” You bit your lip, suppressing the huge idiotic smile that was about to make its way onto your face. Dazai nodded, wrapping an arm around your waist.

“This is...beautiful.” The roof was dark, it was ghostly quiet. You could only see the city lights from across the railing. Dazai walked to the edge, hand still intertwined with yours.

He leaned against the metal bar, hands gripping the pole with a huge smile on his lips.

God, he looked so beautiful. His brown hair was gently flowing against the breeze, the bridge of his nose seemed to perfectly shape the rest of his face. Leaning your head against his shoulder, you smiled.

“You’re not gonna ask me to jump off the roof with you, hm?” You whispered as a joke. He glanced at you for half a second before wrapping his whole arm around your shoulders, pulling you into his chest.

“No...not today, darling.”

His eyes seemed glassy, but somehow the clearest you’d ever seen. You blinked a couple times, before finally settling your face back into his shoulder.

“You know,” he mumbled into your hair. “I look at you in a way I thought I could never look at someone.”

You stayed silent, both your hearts beating. He continued.

“I look at you, with love in my eyes. Love I didn’t know was in me...love I didn’t know I was capable of feeling.” He licked his lips with half lidded eyes. “I look at you with the love I thought I had lost.”

You buried your face deeper into his chest. “I love you so much, Dazai.” You whispered. He kissed the top of your head, humming in response.

“I wanna stay like this forever.” You mumbled, eyes suddenly becoming foggy, remembering you had no one back home.

“I know.” He softly whispered, kissing the top of your head.

“I wanna stay with you forever.”

“I know.”

“Just with you, Dazai. No one else.”

“I know.”

“But we can’t...it won’t last forever.”

“...I know.”

He suddenly wrapped his arms around your whole body, hugging you as if you were going to disappear. One of his arms circled your waist, while the other held the back of your head.

“Then we’ll stay like this—till forever falls apart.” You mumbled, inhaling his sweet scent.

He nodded, kissing the tip of your nose. “Till forever falls apart.”

a/n: a part of this was inspired by the movie perks of being a wallflower, I’m sure you can tell which part :)

tag list: @uwu-monster101 @14th-century-homosexual-spirit @dai-tsukki-desu @i4gumi @cross-crye @starglow-xx @ranposlover @bsdwhore @arimakii @malewifegirlboss @shadyteacup @smadhuman @knjksj0301 @neighborhoodfriendlysimp @rirk-ke @mushroomplantasia @luftdum @pickleisrandom @3-am-depression @its-chuuya-bitch @the-wholesome-ranpo

[freereadingservice]

PICK A QUESTION READING

Simply choose a question that resonates with you and proceed to your reading! All questions were inspired by the current transiting Scorpio moon.

1: What do I have to gain from being vulnerable?

2: How can I heal trust issues?

3: What is my intuition trying to tell me?

4: What am I currently transforming?

Group 1: What do I have to gain from being vulnerable?

You may have  learned how to blend into your surroundings as a method of self-protection. As long as you don’t stick out you won’t feel the pain of rejection, right? Well, the guidance here is that you’ve unwittingly been carrying a burden around with you that is centered around this concept. Blending in for the sake of avoiding a certain kind of vulnerability - the vulnerability of being unique or different - has long since been damaging you and bringing delay to your growth’s progression. What you have to gain from vulnerability is major healing around your self expression, or your expression in general.

For some of you these wounds go deep, and they span back generations within your ancestry. Your familial patterns have passed down this conscious fear of rejection that is acted out through self-sacrificing conformity. By breaking out and letting your walls down you can heal a lot of these patterns and not continue to pass them on.

Another reward that comes from vulnerability is that of finally being released from the soul-crushing expectations others may have confined you in over the years. By acting in ways that show who you truly are you are able to gain a sense of liberation that may not come through other means. A specific clarity will be gifted to you and is yours to claim if you reach out in this way and choose growth over comfort; you might even feel yourself propelled toward a phase in your life of achieving major things. It’s possible to release the stagnancy and exhaustion that is brought about by holding up your walls, and in any case the advice here is that liberation, expansion and authenticity is available to you if you choose to be more vulnerable. 

Group 2: How can I heal trust issues?

Your message may seem odd, but it’s somewhat simple: trust is an internal process, not an external one. When you feel yourself growing bitter from ended relationships (of any kind) and you feel as though you won’t trust anyone ever again, ask yourself if trust is really contingent on the past at all. Is the concept of trust, in a whole and healing sense, really summed up by the phrase “lesson learned”? We make decisions about new people partly based on how much pain we feel we can handle from them, and in a sense this is us judging ourselves. Do we trust ourselves to recover from the hypothetical pain we perceive is going to be inflicted upon us by someone we don’t know, or will we close ourselves up and blame the other, whoever the other may be? Trust yourself to choose the “right” people, rather than be fearful of how they may change your life. Everything and everyone is what was needed at a specific time, and to blame yourself for “falling for it again” is to blame yourself for being open to growth and new experiences. It’s more likely you fear your own reaction to someone’s actions than you fear anything they can really do to you emotionally. Assure yourself that no matter what happens, you can and will recover and grow from new people and new situations. 

The thing about growth and the transformation of pain is that it’s not an obvious process. This is another message I’m being called to include in here. Some of you are frustrated at repeating patterns, and not giving yourself credit for how much you are transforming, transmuting and changing. This is a process that needs your faith; you are growing and it will eventually show, even if it takes years, it will show if you trust yourself enough to go through it and come out the other side better than you are now.  

Group 3: What is my intuition trying to tell me?

You may be feeling that you want to move forward, away from something that’s draining you, and deep down you feel like you’re settling for less than you’ve been working toward. You’ve put a lot of time and energy into a situation, but instead of being nurtured and receiving adequate rewards/compensation from it, you feel drained and deprived of vitality. It’s possible you’re afraid to even ask yourself what else it out there, as alternative options on a tangible level seem grim. You may even feel as though you need mountains of evidence that back up your hunches in terms of what direction to go toward, but your intuition is telling you that you have all the evidence you could need at this time about this particular thing in your life. 

The clearest message I got for you is that your intuition wants you to know it’s time for you to make a decision. Even if you worry you’re being judgmental and entitled by expecting better, it’s time to make this decision regardless. No matter what you choose, you know that it’s not in your best interest to have your energy depleted and, in a sense, stolen from you; it looks as though you’ve been carrying the results of whatever situation this is around with you for a while. The way you’re feeling now is evidence enough that you can and should move forward to something more ideal for your time, emotions and energy. You may think you’re missing some practical or logical information that will assist you in the decision making process, when in reality this is a time to listen to your gut feeling. 

Pay attention to your energy, as it will tell you when certain situations in your life have expired and reached their limit of usefulness. If you are pursuing something that flattens your energy and brings you a sense of dread or obligation, this is likely your intuition alerting you to the fact that something better will come along if you reach for it. I’m getting that perhaps some of you have prominent clairsentience abilities, which is the type of intuitive ability based on feeling. You’re able to accurately read into something just by paying attention to how it makes you feel. You may be at a time in your life now where this ability is waiting to be claimed.

Group 4: What am I currently transforming?

For this group I picked up on some fears around time passing, and some possible past issues of time management. You potentially fear or focus on time being stolen or wasted, as it seems as though there’s always something you could be missing out on. Life’s possibilities can often bring you anxiety, but the message is that this is something you’re healing right now. If not right at this moment already, it’s possible you’ll soon be finding yourself wanting to be more grounded and accepting of the present moment. There are some wounds here around expectation vs reality, and it seems you’re transforming yourself into a more patient and forgiving person with each disappointment you face. I feel you’ve experienced a lot of setbacks and it has potentially created a survival response of panicking when something doesn’t happen quickly enough, or when you think you’re entering a period of stagnant energy where things aren’t progressing.

The message here is mostly that this is a time to really get grounded. It’s a time to remove things from your routine that distract you from your emotions, as they are here not to hurt you but to bring you clarity. Spend more time being mindful within the now, and less time thinking you need to be in the next place pursuing the next big thing. You may currently be transforming guilt or regret from actions you took in the past into learning opportunities that will help you be content with who you are in the present moment. Either way there is a major theme here of gaining victory over confusion through the acceptance of emotions within the now. It may seem as though what you feel will  distract you and divert you from progress you want to make in the material world, but you may be surprised at how much can come from just letting things flow.

That’s it for this reading. Thanks to anyone who participated! Decks used: Radiant Rider Waite and “The Tantric Dakini Oracle”

To get a free personal reading just submit a reading request!

[agentsix606]

Echoes: A DamiRae Story

Hey, look at me updating for once.

Chapter 2: Surprise Guest (A Good One This Time)

AO3 - Fanfic.net - Wattpad

Dear Raven;

I am very sorry that I had to leave so abruptly. Father ordered it. After Grayson had informed him of my solution to end Deathstroke's reign of terror, he insisted that I returned home immediately. I hope to be home soon; Father may allow me. 

Starfire informed me that you are recovering well. I am very grateful. You are a valuable asset to the team, and I would be lying if I said that I did not enjoy your companionship at times. It is quite lonely without having anyone to enjoy tea and a good book with. At the very least, I have Titus, who I never thanked you for. Already he is proving a worthy comrade and trustful companion. Perhaps he will someday supersede Ace. I am well aware that Father enjoys feeding him under the table during dinner. 

How is Logan doing? We were all aware that his relationship with Markov was... intimate, to say the least. I cannot imagine this new revelation being easy for him. I am sure that Reyes has his hands full. 

Most importantly, how are you doing? I have never seen you strain your magick so far. Surely there are lasting effects of exerting yourself so harshly. As I'm sure you are aware, although I cannot travel back to the Tower as of right now, Father never said anything about having teammates at the Manor. If you ever have the time, I would appreciate the company? 

Best Wishes,

Damian Wayne. 

Lifting the calligraphy pen from the paper, Damian sighed. It had been one day since Slade's attack, and although it was verified that the brute was dead, Damian still felt on edge. It was a regular occurrence for Wayne's, but this felt so much worse than the Joker's target on your back.

The voice of Alfred had jolted him from his thoughts, "Master Damian, your tea with brown sugar, half a lemon and a china cup as you insist." Alfred set the tray down next to the paper in front of the boy. "Writing a message to your friends? How rather unlike you."

"Thank you, Pennyworth." Damian started, setting his pen down. "I am penning a message to Raven, I require updates about Logan, and she has the clearest handwriting to read."

"I'm sure, Master Damian." He teased, "Master Bruce is expecting you in his office. It would be wise not to keep him." Alfred's face held a small smile before he left the room. Damian was left alone to ponder why his father required him. 

He folded up the letter and hid it in his pocket before sauntering down to where the office was.

Titans Tower 

Raven was relaxing in her room. Her magick had been quite finicky the past few days. Ever since Slade had returned. She was exhausted, both physically and spiritually. She had rubbed her quartz so much that the surface was practically flat.

After Damian had been dragged back to Gotham City, she didn't have many other people she wanted to talk to. She felt bereft. The migraine she was experiencing from her father's piercing voice in her head was not helping either. 

Throughout Damian's absence, she had kept to her room. She shut the Titans out in an attempt to protect them while keeping herself under control. Jaime had occasionally left some food outside of her door for her. It was odd being alone again.

She had become accustomed to having others around; in fact, she felt comfortable around others. Not this time. This time, she couldn't let them know the demons girding her head. She almost killed Damian. Who's to say that if Gar looked at her the wrong way, she wouldn't hesitate? 

The thoughts swirled around her mind like a hurricane. "5,4,3,2,1. 5,4,3,2,1." She repeated; a method to help mitigate her anxiety. 

"Raven?" She heard the jaunty voice of Starfire ask. 

Raven took a deep breath before answering, "Yes, Star?" 

"May I come in?" 

"Yes," Raven faltered out. She couldn't disappear forever. 

The door hissed open, and Star walked in cautiously. "How are you doing?" 

"I'm managing." Raven huffed, running her fingers through her hair. 

Starfire sighed. "When do you think that you'll join the Titans for an evening? Everyone has been asking about you. I don't think that can keep telling Batman you'll be at the next meeting much longer."

"I just don't want to hurt anyone. I think that you understand that."

"Unfortunately. But when you are ready, the Titans will be ready to welcome you back with open arms," and with that sentence, Star exited the room, and Raven sat in silence once more. 

Sighing heavily before rolling onto her stomach in the middle of her bed, Raven smushed her face into her bedding and starfished with her arms and legs. 

Tap tap tap

Raven jolted quickly at the noise, unsure of whether she had been hallucinating with her ears. 

Tap tap tap

She turned her head to the window, puzzled. Her room was among one of the highest above the ground. Who was tapping at her window, Superman?

Muffled words were heard outside the Tower, and she quickly sprinted to the window to see one Damian Wayne in his Robin costume hanging from a rope in front of her window. Refraining from bursting into laughter, she quickly let him in while shaking her head. 'This boy, I swear to Azar.' she thought.

"Mind telling me why you're outside my window hanging from a rope instead of in Gotham City doing whatever you do there?" She asked.

"I had a talk with Father. He said that I should check up on my friends, so here I am." He explained.

"Are you sure that he didn't mean send us a text?" 

"He never specified how, so I decided to come to the Tower," Damian smirked. "So how have you been, Raven?" 

"Oh, you know. Living the dream," She gave Damian a soft smile before sitting back on her bed. "And you? I can't imagine things have been great back in Gotham considering how fast you travelled back here."

Damian joined her on the bed and nodded. "Father is trying his ablest to understand my actions while additionally punishing me for them." 

"Understandably so, Slade tried to kill all of us. Multiple times. I guess that it still doesn't mean that we get to play judge, jury or executioner."

"I would like to stay here tonight. As much as I enjoy tea with myself, it is not the same without you." Damian admitted before the conversation could turn dark.

"I'm sure Star would allow that." Raven genuinely smiled. 

"Hey, mama! Are you bu-" Garfield walked into the room, his eyes setting on Damian, "Robin? When did you get here?" 

"Gar, have you ever heard of knocking?" Raven snapped.

"Chillax, mama, it's not like you two were doing anything." He shrugged before continuing, "anyways, Star's calling a team meeting. Both of you better get yo butts to the living room." 

"Be there right away, Gar." Raven groaned before getting up from her bed. "Before I forget to ask, how the hell did you manage to get all of the way over here from Gotham? It's literally across the country." 

"A magician never reveals his secrets." 

"You zeta'd, didn't you?" 

Damian looked back at her with a smirk.

[earthstellar]

TFP Megatronus x Orion Pax Experimental Concept Playlist: The Timescale of Cybertronian Lives + Music from 1890 - 2021

I know there are tons of playlists for these characters out there, but I’m trying to do something a little less conventional with this one; Please hear me out! 

Two Playlists in One: Love Throughout The Ages 

The first half of this playlist is almost all new music mixed in with some hits from the 60s, 70s, 80s, etc. to give variety, plus tracks from different genres so that hopefully everyone has a song they can enjoy in there somewhere.

For the second half of the playlist, I wanted to emphasise the idea of how long the war on Cybertron has been going on for, and just how old this conflict and the people involved actually are. 

Cybertronian Timescale: Long Lives and The Perception of Time 

We think of the Orion Pax / Megatronus stage of their relationship as being relatively brief, which it was in comparison to how long the war has been going on for as of TFP, but these are people who live for centuries. The scope of that is staggering. 

Optimus Prime and Megatron have known each other personally (either positively or negatively) for longer than modern human civilisation has existed. 

So to me, the best way to touch on that idea of time, musically, is to have the first half of the playlist be modern music, remixes, etc. and then the second half is well known and lesser known hits throughout early radio/TV (with many tracks on this playlist pre-dating those forms of media as well). 

What’s on the Playlist, Then?

My grandmother was born in 1914, and her music collection spans nearly 100 years. It’s all good stuff.

I have included some of her favourites, which she always called her “sweetheart jingles”, on this soundtrack. I think many of them work surprisingly well for the Megatronus/Orion Pax relationship.

Many of these songs will probably be unknown by the vast majority of people who might want to listen to this playlist, which is also appealing to me. (I hope if this is your first time hearing some of these, that you enjoy a few of them!)

My parents were born in 1944, and I remember all of the classics they would play; Some of those tracks will be more recognisable as this was the era when radio and TV became far more common and accessible, but I picked the tracks that I think best apply to the pairing and the relationship between the two characters at that point in their lives. 

The link to the playlist is below after some notes on Cybertronian language evolution! 

Quick Thought: Cybertronian Language Over Time and Era Specific Speech Patterns 

While thinking about my grandmother’s music collection as I assembled this playlist, I thought about some of the words and phrases she used commonly that are now totally non-existent in modern conversational English. 

She had what would probably sound to most people like “1930s radio voice” or a more Trans-Atlantic Accent way of speaking; She grew up in the Northeast USA and so she had a very distinctive way of stressing the vowels in words. It’s not just the words themselves, or how they were pronounced, but the tone and pace of speech was also very different. 

This got me thinking about Cybertronians, age, and speech:

Bots as old as Ratchet may have grown up with a totally different spoken language version of Cybertronian, and we already know that there are regional dialects, multiple written forms (glyphs), and era-specific types of Cybertronian language. 

But the way they speak, as I mentioned above with the stressing of vowels and the tone and pace of speech, might still be different due to the different eras, even after language packs/programs are downloaded and updated periodically as needed. We already know Cybertronians have regional accents, so it stands that generational accents would also possibly exist as well. 

Such a difference in speech patterns could possibly be used as a primary indicator of relative age on Cybertron, as physically they don’t age in the sense human beings do. 

Back to the Playlist: Link + Track List + Notes on Audio Prior to 1930

The playlist is here on YouTube. 

Scroll down to get to the second half (oldies section) if that’s what you’re here for! 

Please note that the songs are not arranged in any particular order aside from the first half being newer music and the second half being far older music.

Also note, where original recordings are available on YouTube for some of the older songs, I have used those original recording versions. 

However, keep in mind that there may be a couple seconds of “fuzz” at the top (start) of those older tracks, because they have been recorded from records or wax cylinders, which are formats of music that typically had a “pause” on the track to allow for needle and speed calibration when playing them manually. Modern records don’t do this in quite the same way and nobody uses wax cylinders anymore, but older records typically did. If this bothers you, skip ahead about two seconds or so, and it will resolve. 

Tempo may seem slightly “fast” on two of the tracks due to difficulties with the medium and modern recording tech/methods, and one track has some persistent “fuzz” throughout due to the original recording being rare and therefore it is a “best copy available” type archival recording, but otherwise I’ve managed to find the clearest audio possible for the vast majority of the older songs! 

(Fun music note, the “click track” in modern digital music was partially inspired by the clicking of the needle hitting the “countdown grooves” on old cylinders and records, which creates an audible mild clicking sound as the needle finds the groove and provides time for usually a half rotation or full rotation of the record before the track actually begins to allow for adjustment before the music starts! If the clicking is too fast, dial down the rotation speed, for example. 

This itself was inspired by classical metronomes as well as the actual physical method of playing the music in this way, but it’s cool to see how this persists throughout musical history even now when we don’t need the click for digital production for quite the same reasons/applications. It’s all about timing, no matter the medium or era!)

Due to the method of how some player piano rolls were credited, often by roll company and not by individuals, the actual artist name is often not available for those tracks. Where possible and where known, I have included credits to the artists/musicians. I have done my best to research and find the artists in these recordings. 

I have also included orchestrions and other “automated” music in addition to a player piano track as I think it’s interesting; These are often very old compositions being played on these machines, and as such are designed to reflect the earliest days of their relationship. 

Songs range from the years 1890 to 2021, and I will add more as I manage to find YouTube videos with some of the older songs I’m still looking for. 

By the way, if you need a love song for like an actual partner or crush that you have, I’m just going to say it now and point out that a lot of these classics are great to use in real life for cute purposes. My partner of ten years agrees, and my grandparents were married for over 60 years and sang many of these daily, so obviously something here works well. You’re welcome. ;) 

Below the cut is a track list of the second half of the playlist, as it’s 7 AM and I’d like to emphasise the “classics” section here as it’s the central theme of the concept.

I will add to this list as more tracks are added:

You’re the Top - Cole Porter

What is this Thing Called Love - Leslie Hutchinson 

I Get a Kick Outta You - Cole Porter 

Puttin on the Ritz - Phil Spitalny Orchestra

What a Day - Carl Fenton

Come Fly With Me - Frank Sinatra

Earth Angel - The Penguins

Ring a Ding Ding - Frank Sinatra 

In my Merry Oldsmobile - Billy Murray

Singin in the Rain - Gene Kelly

Dream a Little Dream of Me - Doris Day

Unforgettable - Nat King Cole 

Can’t Help Falling in Love - Elvis Presley 

Good Golly Miss Molly - Little Richard

Bei Mir Bist du Schoen - The Andews Sisters

Shine on Harvest Moon - Ruth Etting 

1920s Dance Sequence from Don’t Knock the Rock

In the Mood -Glen Miller Orchestra

Dream Lover - Bobby Darin 

When the Ragtime Army Goes Away to War (Artist Unknown) 

After You’ve Gone - J. Lawrence Cook 

My Sin (Artist Unknown) 

Flick Flack by Albert Vossen (Unsure; Song + Artist Unknown; Orchestrion) 

Lotosblumen Walzer by E. Ohlsen (Hupfeld Violina) 

Waltz no.2 - Dmitri Shostakovich 

Jupiter - Gustav Holst 

Love Potion no. 9 - The Clovers (Please note, this song mentions the word “g*psy” once in the beginning of the track. Skip this song if you would prefer not to hear it; I have done my best to only include songs that are friendly to the modern listener, but where needed I will make annotations such as this one to ensure nobody has to hear anything potentially offensive, as is unfortunately often the case with older music/lyrics.)

Come a Little Bit Closer - Jay and the Americans 

Sh-Boom - The Crew Cuts

Oh Boy - Buddy Holly

[bestworstcase]

"[Rapunzel] stops accepting blame for things that aren’t her fault". I've seen this mentioned before on other blogs talking about Rapunzel's character growth over the series, but I don't understand what it's referring to. Sorry if this is too vague/broad an ask, but what are you thinking of in seasons 1 and 2 when you say that Rapunzel has learned to stop taking the blame for things that aren't her fault by season 3? Apart from Rapunzel's Enemy and maybe QFAD, I can't think of anything.

i think this is one of the more understated things about rapunzel’s characterization in that there is never like, a specific moment where rapunzel Verbalizes acceptance of blame for things she clearly isn’t responsible for, but it still imo informs a lot of her behavior?

and it goes all the way back to the film. right out of the gate we see that guilt tripping and blame passing are two of gothel’s chief weapons: when rapunzel’s feelings get hurt by one of gothel’s “jokes,” gothel chides rapunzel to “stop taking everything so seriously,” which is abuser-speak for “nothing i say is wrong, it’s your fault if you’re hurt.” 

then there’s digs like “oh, rapunzel, you know i hate leaving you after a fight—especially when i’ve done absolutely nothing wrong...” 

and the big one, after gothel loses her temper and yells at rapunzel, and then immediately collapses disconsolately into a chair and says “ugh, great—now i’m the bad guy.” overtly blaming rapunzel for “making” gothel snap at her. (this of course gets called back to at the end of the film, though it’s less a guilt trip there than it is a threat.)

aaaand right before “mother knows best (reprise)” when rapunzel asks how gothel found her, gothel says, “oh, it was easy, i just listened for the sound of complete and utter betrayal and followed that.” this one imo is the clearest illustration of how all this impacts rapunzel emotionally, because she goes from scared/alarmed/startled to just. sagging, in obvious guilt. 

but then of course there’s also the scene right after rapunzel leaves the tower, where we see her oscillating wildly from jubilance to despair and guilt as she frets over what her leaving will “do” to gothel, how mad / upset / betrayed gothel will feel, etc. so even when gothel isn’t there, actively reinforcing this behavior, we can see that rapunzel very much feels that gothel’s feelings are her responsibility—and if gothel is upset, that’s rapunzel’s fault. 

anyway!! all this adds up to rapunzel leaving the tower with this subconscious mindset that all problems are her problems, and we see this expressed very early on in s1. i would even argue as early as before ever after... with both frederic and eugene. 

BEA goes really hard right out of the gate with driving home how restless and uncomfortable rapunzel feels in corona; how stifled she is, and how badly she wants to go out and explore the wider world. but it also shows how hard she tries to stuff it down, because her success as a princess is “important to [her] dad.” she tries to bring up her discontent with eugene, but in a roundabout way so as to avoid actually saying she’s unhappy—and then when he says that he’s perfectly happy and content, rapunzel takes a deep breath and agrees with him. it isn’t overt text, but she’s still in “managing other people’s feelings” mode, and there’s a reason the only person she is honest about her own feelings with is cassandra—because cassandra signals very clearly that she is not going to feel hurt, offended, or disappointed if rapunzel is less than happy in corona. quite the opposite, cass is the one who suggests sneaking out in the first place!

now obviously, neither fred’s nor eugene’s feelings are rapunzel’s responsibility and i think both would be horrified to know that rapunzel feels like it’s her job to make them happy... but that doesn’t really matter, because rapunzel has been trained all her life to do this and that’s not a pattern that just goes away overnight. 

and then also in BEA, we see how quick rapunzel is to castigate herself for doing something that upsets someone else... when eugene proposes and she panics and runs away, her reaction is “i feel horrible about eugene” and to feel guilty/upset about not wanting to marry him Right Now.

aaaand of course caine blaming rapunzel for stuff frederic did goes entirely unremarked upon, partly because things like the hair reveal took priority over that but partly also, in my opinion, because rapunzel just kind of Accepted That because she’s so used to being blamed for everything.

this is sort of a recurring theme throughout a lot of s1. you mentioned RE, but for the sake of completeness—i think the most telling thing in that ep is that, when rapunzel finds out what booing really signifies, her first question is what could i have done to this person?, because the concept that this might be a HIM problem doesn’t even cross her mind. she assumes that it’s her fault he doesn’t like her. 

and then there’s stuff like pascal’s story, which i think is an interesting one because like... frankly, it’s not entirely rapunzel’s fault that she stood pascal up. yes, as the princess she could have stood up at six o’clock on the dot to say no more petitions, i am going to dinner. but also she’s the princess, and she’s busy, and pascal’s story is as much an episode about pascal learning that just because rapunzel is busy that doesn’t mean she doesn’t still love him as much as it is about rapunzel learning how to navigate work/life balance—but it’s also very clear that rapunzel’s perspective is “i have been a HORRIBLE friend and i need to put EVERYTHING ELSE on hold until i have FIXED my TERRIBLE BEHAVIOR” when the reality is more like “rapunzel and pascal are both going through a major adjustment period and need to have a realistic talk about expectations now that rapunzel is, like, training to rule a country.” 

in painter’s block, rapunzel feels so traumatized by the (largely correct) decisions she made in QFAD that she can’t make any decisions at all and falls prey to sugracha’s manipulation, and i personally think this is the beginning of the tipping point for her where she begins to see that hey... she’s just a person, she literally cannot be responsible for every bad thing that happens, she can’t be in two places at once, she can’t fix everything for everyone... and sometimes she needs to prioritize one problem over the other. that’s why the emotional climax of that episode is rapunzel saying “difficult choices are what make us who we are.” that’s her letting go of the horrific guilt she felt about choosing corona over varian, and letting eugene and the others put themselves in danger to save her parents. 

that epiphany carries her through SOTS and enables her to make the tough calls she needs to make re: stopping varian, but it also doesn’t mean that her tendency to blame herself for stuff that isn’t her fault goes away altogether. just look at BTCW: while she’s trying to make sense of how/why eugene could be marrying stalyan, her first instinct is to blame herself. to wonder if maybe this is a response to her kind of sort of turning down his kind of sort of second proposal. 

and the rest of the vardaros arc is like... i would say half rapunzel delaying moving on because she’s scared of what waits for her at the end of the black rock trail (as freebird confirms) and half rapunzel making vardaros’s problems her problems and trying to fix them because she feels responsible. 

curses is... not a good episode (canardist, why) but the plot basically hinges on canardist successfully making rapunzel feel guilty / dubious enough about taking back her own telescope that she starts buying into the curse stuff and psyching herself out. 

*as a sidebar here, there are also instances in this same period of rapunzel acknowledging her culpability in stuff she DID do wrong, for example in under raps—but in these cases, it’s interesting to me to note that her apologies actually aren’t very good apologies. in the under raps example, for instance, she also foists off blame on cassandra (saying basically, well i wouldn’t have interfered and put you in danger if you had told me everything, even though i am terrible at keeping secrets and we both know it). and this makes sense, because gothel certainly did not model good, healthy apologizing habits for rapunzel, lol. so she’s in this weird zone where she tends to feel guilty for everything / feels responsible for other people’s feelings but when she DOES mess up for realsies she also doesn’t really have the skills to navigate a true apology. this poor girl

i would say that RATGT is about the point where rapunzel switches gears from accepting blame (both for things that aren’t her fault, like all this stuff, and for things that are, like when she apologized to cass for being a dick in goodbye and goodwill or when she apologized to pascal for belittling him in king pascal) to sort of... overcorrecting and entering her “i’m right, you’re wrong” phase. RATGT is when she starts overtly shutting cass down, and RATGT is when cass’s injury happens—something so horrific and scary that i tend to think rapunzel just cannot process the guilt. it’s too much, too painful, and not something she is emotionally equipped to hold onto or work through in a healthy way...

...so she shoves it away and blames cass instead, very openly. she transmutes her guilt into anger, lessening the pain she feels. and she sticks to that throughout RDO, throughout the rest of s2, and evidently through the rest of the series given she literally never apologizes for it. which is outside of the scope of what you asked alksdfjklsfd but i tend to think basically, rapunzel is not very good at distinguishing between “i feel guilty, but it isn’t my fault” and “i feel guilty, because it is my fault” so in the process of unlearning the former behavior she also forces away the latter, and at the end of s3 she’s in a place where she needs to re-learn how to feel guilt in a healthy, reasonable way. because guilt isn’t always a bad emotion, sometimes it’s just your brain’s way of saying “i did something bad, and i want to make up for it” and That’s Good. 

[itgetsdarksometimes35]

Christmas Surprise

Warnings: Dub con, non con, 18+

Word Count: 5,405

Pairings: Dark!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Reader meets Bucky at her Cafe on Christmas Eve. After he thinks she has no one to spend Christmas with, he follows her home where secrets are revealed. 

~ indicates a time change

Prompts: “But you said it would snow.”

This is for @capcountdownchristmas​ challenge. I am, again, so sorry for being so late. Not gonna lie, busted a huge nut while writing this last night. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The hours dragged on as the lines around the mall got bigger and bigger. Your eyes stung with exhaustion and you held back the urge to yawn for the 10th time in the last minute. You couldn’t wait to get home, it was Christmas Eve. You would expect people to be home, yet the mall was alive with procrastinators, scavenging to get their last minute gifts. Everything was starting to wind down as you looked to the clock, nearly 5pm. Usually the cafe you worked in closed with the mall, at 10, but your boss insisted you close early at 5. He promised to take his family to Puerto Rico to see family, he wasn’t expecting so many people to be here at 10. He was probably kicking himself, as more people flooded in, they looked like they needed coffee to keep them afloat. You were taken from your thoughts as another customer walked into your vision. He had long dark brown hair with the clearest blue eyes. You were stunned at his beauty but quickly caught your breath and found your best customer service voice yet again. 

“Good evening, sir, are you ready to order?” You smiled to the man. He looked like the man you onced loved. Maybe that’s why you found him so beautiful. You saw your ex husband in his eyes. 

The man looked into your eyes and then back to the menu over your head. He ran his hand down his nicely trimmed beard. “Yeah, I’ll just take a large, hot, black coffee.” You smiled brighter and nodded, his order was painfully easy thank God, then started typing his order’s price into the cash register. 

“Okay, that’ll be $5, sir. Would you like to donate to the children’s Christmas Drive? They need donations to ensure the kids have a nice christmas this year over at the hospital.” You looked back to the man still smiling. 

“Sure.” He reached into his back pocket and took out his wallet. He pulled out a 10 dollar bill and handed it to you. You broke the 10 into two 5’s and put one in the register and the other in the donation jar. 

“Okay, thank you sir. I’ll get started on your coffee.” You closed the register and smiled as you handed his receipt to the man. He mumbled a thank you as you turned to start his coffee. You were the only one working that night, which made the day go only slower. As you pulled out the coffee pot you saw no coffee left. You’d have to make more, which would take about 5 minutes. This would be a nightmare if there were a lot of people in line, but you turned to look and nobody was there except the man with the pretty eyes. 

Thank god you thought to yourself. You started putting the coffee grinds into the coffee maker before putting it on the eye. The sound of the coffee brewing filled the small area as you walked back to the counter where the man stood waiting for his order. 

“Excuse me sir, I apologize but there was no coffee left. I’m making more now, your order should be no more than 5 minutes.” You smiled again, hoping this wouldn’t make him irritated. He already didn’t seem happy with being here. An angry customer was always hard to deal with, especially today. 

“That’s fine. Thank you.”

You nodded and stepped from behind the counter and made your way to the door, flipping the sign to closed. The clock read 5:03. The ones inside the cafe started filtering out, soon it was only you and the man. 

“So, any plans for the holiday?” Your voice seemed to surprise him. He looked to you before replying. 

“Not really,” He stopped talking before jumping a little, standing a bit taller. “How about you?” 

You started cleaning the cafe up, this way you could get out after delivering the coffee, you still wanted to pick up a gift. You had been saving all year for this gift, working several jobs, and now all your hard work would be paid off. You could finally afford it. 

“Nothing. Just get off work and head over to one of these stores and pick up a last minute gift for someone. I’ve been working hard to get it all year, so glad I can finally afford it.”

His face seemed to fall at this. “Husband?”

Now it was your turn to have your face turn down. “No. He passed away 7 years ago.”

“Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s alright,” You cut him off, your smile returning. “Really. His death was hard on me at first, had to drop out of college and get a job to support myself. It’s led to me having 2 jobs at once, but both are really good to me. Been working at this cafe for 7 years,” You pointed to the donation jar. “A nurse’s aid has been my other job. I like it there a lot, with the kids. I wanted to be a pediatrician so it’s not too far off what I saw in my future. I’m not as rich as I thought,” You chuckled. “But it pays the bills and allows me to have some nice things, buy some things for other people, too.”

You stopped cleaning the table you were working at. You looked up to see the man staring at you intently, you had probably scared him. You hadn’t meant to tell this stranger your life story, but you did have the tendency to blab on. Plus you hadn’t had many to really talk to. “I’m sorry. You didn’t come for story time.” 

He was about to reply when the coffee machine dinged, it was ready. You stood upright, bringing the rag with you to dispose of in the laundry basket, before making your way behind the counter. You silently grabbed a holiday cup before pouring the black substance inside. You popped a lid on and handed it to the customer, making sure to smile. 

“Thank you for waiting, hope you have a happy holiday.”

“Thanks, you too.” He started making his way to the door when he stopped. 

“Something wrong, sir?” You were shrugging on your coat and grabbing your purse and the keys to the cafe. You were ready to leave and get home. 

“Yeah, I forgot your tip.”

You smiled, he was really sweet. “No need sir, really. My tip can be the donation you gave.”

The man turned to you, scrunching up his face. He took out his wallet again, pulling out a bill. “Nonsense. That was a donation, this is a tip,” He walked over to you, handing you a 100 follar bill. “Consider it an early Christmas gift.” 

Your mouth was hitting the floor. $100?! You would never carry around that much money around, your parents taught you better than that. 

“I-I can’t accept this.” You stammered, eyes still wide staring at the money.

“Please, it’ll mean a lot to me.”

You looked up at the man and saw him smiling down at you. It made your heart clench. Your husband acted just like him, they’d be best friends. You smiled before taking the bill with shaking hands. “Thank you. So much.”

“You’re welcome. Get home safe,” He squinted at your name tag. “Y/N.”

You smiled even bigger. “I will, thanks, you too!”

And with that the generous man left you in the cafe. You grabbed the donation can and put it in your bag. You’d deliver it tomorrow on your shift. The hospital never closed, therefore you’d be there. You locked up the cafe, thankful you wouldn’t be coming back there for another 3 days, then made your way to the main area. You still had to get that gift. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You clutched the gift tighter to your body. You didn’t live in a bad part of town, your 2 jobs barely ensured this, but you still didn’t trust someone wouldn’t steal the expensive box in your hands. You went up to your apartment, it was oddly quiet. You figured the person was still at the neighbors, you were home earlier than expected, so you decided to start wrapping the gift. Like every Christmases, the tree stood brightly decorated. Other years small gifts sat under the tree, they were all you could manage. Now, nothing was there. You had kept from spending so you could have this gift you were busy wrapping now. You were excited, they were going to be so excited. You looked outside your window and frowned. It still wasn’t snowing. The weather man said it would be by now. 

You were finishing the wrapping when the doorbell rang. They’re here! You quickly fix your hair and put the newly wrapped box under the tree before making your way to the door. You wished you could’ve changed, had a quick shower maybe. Oh well. 

You opened the door with a smile and was about to hug the person on the other side when you realized it wasn’t who you thought it was. Far from it even. 

“Hi, Y/N!”

It was the man from the cafe. How did he get here, why was he here? 

“I saw you come into the apartment. Would you believe I have family right down there?” 

You smiled and relaxed a bit. He wasn’t a crazy stalker. “Wow, that’s crazy! I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah...They’re about to head out to go caroling. Not really my thing, so I think I’m going to head home. Wanted to just pop in before I left though.” He seemed to be stalling in your doorway. Like he didn’t want to go.

“Oh, well would you like to come in? I was going to start making hot chocolate.”

His eyes brightened at the idea. “Yeah! Erh- I mean are you sure? Wouldn’t want to impose…” His voice trailed off, as if he were hinting at something. 

“No, not at all!” You pulled him inside before closing the door. 

“My name’s Bucky by the way. Sorry for not introducing myself earlier.”

You started walking toward the kitched before turning your head over your shoulder to look at him and smile. “Hey Bucky. I’m Y/N as you know,” You laughed with him as you took milk out of the fridge. “You can have a seat wherever. I know it’s not much, but we make do.”

Bucky nodded before taking a seat on the couch. The walls were bare, dark squares in their place. He frowned at them. “Were there pictures hanging here before?”

You poured the milk into a pot on the stove and turned the eye on then walked to where you could sit next to Bucky on the couch. “Yeah, they were of my husband. I took them down after he… I just couldn’t seem to move on with them there. I meant to put them up again one day, when I could handle it, but I still don’t think I can. Not even 7 years later. Now I’m not one for pictures, would rather live in the moment.” You stopped talking and turned to him. He was staring at you. It made you kind of uncomfortable. Why did he look at you like that? You shifted under his gaze before smiling again. “There I go again, talking your ears off.” 

Bucky shook his head, hair shifting around his shoulders perfectly. “No, I like it. Not had anyone to talk to in years, I like to listen more anyway.” You nodded. All you had done since your husband passed away was listen. Sure, you enjoyed it, but what you’d give to have someone hear you for once. 

“Your family not one for listening?”

“Not really. They’re often off in their world when I talk. My brother, Steve, is always trying to get me to talk, and he listens, but I can’t stand the look he gives me when I do talk, like I’m nothing but my problems. He says I can talk to him, and I can, but I can’t help but to feel judged by him. I know he’s trying his best, but I wish I could talk to someone new. Someone who didn’t know my past.”

You stared at him stunned. It was the most he had talked to you. Then again, he was a stranger. Which pricked at your nerves, you had let a stranger into your home. He could’ve been a killer, especially with this talk about “his past”. 

“Who did you say your family was? I know everyone in the building and I’ve lived here for about 10 years. I feel I should’ve seen you at a Thanksgiving or Christmas or something.”

In that moment the stove started making sizzling noises, your milk was flooding over. You jumped up to move it off the eye and turning the hot one off entirely. The milk starts to stop bubbling when taken off the eye and you turn to get the cocoa packets. Right then you’re met with the hard chest of Bucky. How long was he behind you?

“Oh, I’m sorry,” You tried to side-step him but he was quick to get in front of you again.

“Bucky?”

“You know, Y/N, I was really relieved that you didn’t recognise me. It took me a while to realize who you were in the coffee shop.I was hoping you weren’t married. You had been the first person to talk to be in a long time. Besides Steve, of course. I felt something, a connection. But when you mentioned a gift, I’ll admit, I was pissed. I wanted you to myself. A sweet, gorgeous girl like you is hard to come by now. When you mentioned your husband's death 7 years ago I finally remembered you. I wasn’t sure at first, but I’m pretty sure,” He looked around the walls again then back your terrified face and trembling body. Who was this guy? “You have no pictures up so you’ll have to correct me if I'm wrong. Was your husband an ex Shield agent by any chance?”

You relaxed a bit. Your husband was a Doctor, he passed away in a car accident on his way home from work. 

“No. He was a doctor,” You glanced to the door. You were angry at yourself for letting this clearly delusional man into your home. He had no family here, and he followed you home. Now he thought he knew you and your family. “Bucky, I’m sorry but I’m going to have to ask you to leave before I call the police.” Again you tried to step around him. 

He grabbed your wrist and pulled you close. “I don’t think I will, doll.” You looked up to Bucky with wide searching eyes. You looked around you, scouting out something to use as a weapon. Anything. Your eyes landed on the mugs and you reached out to them. 

“No you don’t.” You screamed as you were thrown over your shoulder. You thrashed in his hold, trying to wiggle free. 

“Bucky, stop! Let me go now!” You were settled back on the couch, Bucky reaching into his jacket pocket and pulling out rope.

“Didn’t think I’d use these on you. Expecting to put them on that boyfriend of yours, but I suppose since he’s not here yet..” Boyfriend? 

He made quick work tying your hands together behind you before keeping a stern hand on you upper left arm and turning you to face him.

“Good. Better?”

“Fuck you.” You spat

Bucky smiled wider at you. “There’s the feisty woman I remember.”

“Remember? We’ve never met.”

“No, we haven’t. Not officially. I studied you from afar, back when my name was still the Winter Soldier,” The name seem to make him shiver. “I saw you and your husband, watched you for weeks. You were different then. A feisty young thing. No wiser to who your husband was.”

“You have the wrong person. My husband was a doctor, not an agent.”

Bucky rolled his eyes at you. “Yeah, that’s what you said then. His nurse, Nancy? The one with short brown hair? Not really a nurse, doll, she was an agent. And so was he.” The girl did ring a bell. She always had a lingering touch on your husband, one you didn’t like. You had complained to him a lot about her, he always told you she had nothing on you. You believed him. 

Bucky’s hand reached into his pocket again. You watched him and realized he was wearing leather gloves. Strange for the weather. He took out a photo and showed you. It was a picture of you and your husband at a party at his work. The day before he died. They had thrown him a party, he had saved someone’s life through dire circumstances. The next day he was supposed to have off, but he had to go in for an emergency surgery. He never made it back home. 

“He had just killed a couple of people that worked for an organization called HYDRA. They weren’t happy, so they sent me to kill him. As always, I watched my target for weeks. I was waiting for the perfect moment,” He caressed your trembling face, you were close to tears. “The day after this photo was taken I shot him while in his car. False phone call and everything got him out of the house and away from you. Guess even with my brains in the blinder I had fallen for you. Didn’t want you seeing your husband's brains all over the floor. All these years later I see you in that cafe,” Bucky shook his head. “I couldn’t stand the fact that I had done that to you. If I had known I would’ve done this sooner.”

You shook your head. This didn’t make sense. The police ruled your husband’s death a terrible car accident. He had been driving at night and exhaustion behind the wheel caused him to crash into the wall. He wasn’t an agent. He hadn’t killed anyone. But this guy claimed he did, and that he had killed his husband. All the while being called the Winter Soldier. It made you uneasy. 

“You’re lying.” You started trying to move away from Bucky again, but he easily pulled you back using his grasp on you arm. 

“I wish I was. I was a monster, but so was your husband. Killing people, some of them innocent. Then he came home and lied to you. I’d never lie to you.” He was inching closer to you now, you could feel his body heat.

You whimpered when he pressed his lips to you, refusing to kiss back. He pulled away after a moment and looked into your eyes, his blown black with lust. “I’ve been wanting to do that for so long. And now, you’re mine. I don’t care who he is, he’s going to learn you’re mine now and I don’t plan on letting you go.” Who was he?

Before you could ask he brought his left hand to your left breast and squeezed. You whimpered again and tried to shove him away best way you could with your binded hands. 

“Bucky, no please.”

Bucky smiled again. “What’s wrong? You afraid your boyfriends going to show up?”

“N-no! Please, just don’t do this. Let me go.”

“No can do. I told you, you’re mine,” His hand traveled down your chest and below your stomach, stopping near your heat clad jeans. “Besides, I can’t let you spend Christmas alone.”

Just then Bucky made quick work unbuttoning your jeans and sliding them down. You jerked your hips trying to make the process harder for him, but alas your motives didn’t deter him. He slided them along with your panties down revealing your pussy to him. 

Bucky hummed in approval. He looked to your shirt and quickly grabbed it, ripping it from your body. 

“Bucky stop!”

He ignored you as he clipped off your strapless bra, leaving you completely nude to him. “You’re prettier than I imagined, dear.” He licked his lips looking you up and down. He removed his gloves and shrugged off his jacket. You gasped as his left arm shined in the light. It was metal. He removed his shirt before dropping his jeans, leaving him in his underwear. His member strained in the thin fabric, aching for freedom. He was huge. Bigger than anything you had ever taken. Bucky saw you watching and smirked down at you before palming himself. 

“I’ve been hard since the cafe,” He growled. “Never been the hard before. If I’m being honest, all I want for Christmas is you, doll.” He removed himself from his underwear and groaned. He kicked the fabric away and gripped his base before groaning again. He walked over to you again before getting to his knees in front of your heat. You hated to admit it, but you were growing wet. Years of nights spent alone with your toys, none filling you the way a man could, the way your husband did. Most of the time you went to sleep unsatisfied, and others you just ignored the urges entirely. Majority of the time you worked so there wasn’t much you could do anyway. 

Bucky brought himself forward and licked a line from your entrance to your bud. He moaned at the taste. 

“You taste like heaven, doll.” He brought his hand to either thigh, spreading you out more for him. He dove back in, feasting on your pussy like a final meal. Your stomach was doing flips at this old pleasure, something you hadn’t felt in years. You were biting back the noises you wanted nothing more than to let fly, and it took everything not to grind your hips into face, bringing your core more into his mouth. It wasn’t until he brought a finger to your hole that you couldn’t contain the moan that slipped. Bucky looked to you through lashes and smiled into your heat. He pumped the finger into you before adding another, you relished in the stretch your fingers could never bring. Your hips started on their own accord and you let them. Bucky moaned into your core and you shook from the vibrations. Your body was in control and you didn’t mind, too blissed to care at the moment. Finally, Bucky curled his fingers into you at the right spot that had you seeing stars. You moaned out loud in ecstasy and Bucky fought to keep your thighs from closing around his head as he continued to slurp you up. 

He stood up and removed his fingers from you, popping them into his mouth. His eyes rolled back as he sucked on them before removing them. 

“That’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.”

You were still catching your breath when Bucky sat down. Your mind was still cloudy with your orgasm as he lifted you onto his lap, his hot member pressing into your sensitive cunt. 

“B-Bucky, wait-”

You were cut off by Bucky pulling you all the way down on him. You gasped from the stretch and he hissed from your tight walls hugging him. He could stay like that all day. 

“Fuck, baby, you feel so good.” 

He held onto your hips and starting moving you up and down in a slow rhythm. You were growing accustomed to his length and the pleasure starting building yet again. The room started to grow hot, despite the freezing temperatures of New York City outside, and your bodies felt sticky. Bucky started picking up the pace, the sounds of skin slapping against skin filled the room. Your moans mixed with his.

“Shit, your pussy is so good, hugging me so good.” He slapped your ass, guiding you faster and faster on his cock. He looked down where your bodies met and moaned as he watched his cock disappear into you before reappearing wetter. “This feels good doesn’t it? You like it when I fuck you on your coach don’t you?” He reached down and found your bud again, making you cry out. “Tell me you like he.” He growled through gritted teeth, dark eyes boring into yours.

“I like it.” Your voice weak with pleasure.

Bucky hummed, working you harder against him. 

“You’re gonna make me come baby. I want you to cum first. Let go on my cock, I want you dripping all down my dick, doll. Can you do that? Can you cum on my cock like a good girl?” 

You nodded your head, you were close and wanted it so bad. He was fucking you so good it hurt. Your breath was getting faster and your eyes threatened to close. Bucky flicked your bud again before you exploded. You came loud, clenching his cock in a viper grip as your release shook your body and threaten to slide down his thick cock. Bucky didn’t stop, he was determined to finish as he rocked you harder, his eyes closed in intense pleasure. His hips rose to meet yours when he finally hit up into you one last time before screaming your name. You felt him cum deep in you, he ground his hips a little to work himself through it. 

As you both caught your breath he hugged you close to him. His breath fanned over your shoulder as your overworked body slumped beneath his chin. Your eyes were heavy with exhaustion. After a while Bucky removed you from him, settling you carefully on the couch, his sum drizzling out of you a bit. He got up and moved in the back while you sat still, still too dazed to think about the fact he had cum in you with no protection. You’d have to deal with it later. 

Bucky came back with a wet washcloth, a night shirt, and fresh underwear. He carefully cleaned your core before dressing you, then himself. He was just untying your wrist when a knock on the door sounded. You both looked to it in shock then to each other. Your eyes were wide on him and he just smiled again. You made to stand but he pushed you down. 

“I got it.” Was all he said while he stood up, his tall frame moving to the door. You rubbed your wrist, tears threatening to spill over; you knew who was at the door. 

Bucky pulled the door open. 

“Sorry we’re late, we went to the park and let time get ahead of us - Oh! Hello.” The old woman, Mrs. Kim, stood at your door talking with Bucky. He wasn’t looking at her, though, he was looking at Oliver. 

“That’s no problem, Mrs. Kim. Did he have a good time?” You screamed from your place on the couch. Mrs. Kim looked passed Bucky to you and smiled.

 “Oh yes! He couldn’t stop talking about a train set Kid’s Kompany just released. It sounds awesome.” She looked down at the little boy who smiled up at her. Your heart leapt in your chest and you looked to the gift under the tree. He did nothing but talk about the set since he first saw it on tv, you were so glad you were able to get it. 

“Thanks again Mrs. Kim.”

“No problem, honey. Oliver is such a joy, have a good night,” she looked to you then Oliver then back to Bucky. “It was nice meeting you, dear.” She held out her hand to Bucky, to which he shook still eyeing Oliver. Mrs. Kim winked at you and walked away, back to her apartment. She was a nice old woman, her and her husband always agreeing to help with Oliver. She always said you needed to move on from your husband. I guess she thought Bucky was the next prince charming. She was sort of right. 

Oliver looked at Bucky curiously with his big blue eyes, they fancied his dad’s and Bucky’s you thought, before sidestepping him into the apartment. He wanted to know who Bucky was, but you raised him to not be rude. He’d more than likely ask later if he wasn’t introduced. He looked to you and smiled wide before running over with his arms spread out out, ready for a hug.

“Mommy!”

You smiled at your son as he ran into your arms. You hugged him close to you, kissing his dark locks. 

Bucky shut the door before turning to you entirely. 

“Mommy, it’s not snowing.” Your son said with a pout.

You smiled sadly at him, you knew he was disappointed. “I know, honey”

“But you said it would snow.”

“I know I did, the weatherman said it would.”

“It still might.” You and your son looked to Bucky. He was smiling at your son while leaning on the wall, arms crossed. 

“Really?” His blue eyes filled with excitement and he ran to Bucky before you could stop him. Your eyes rounded with fear. 

“That’s right. In fact, when it does we’re going to go sledding.”

Oliver turned to you, his excitement growing. He turned back to Bucky. “Sledding? I’ve never been.”

“You’ve never been sledding before? Well, its awesome, you’re gonna love it, Oliver.”

Your son’s name sounded like venom on Bucky’s lips. How dare he volunteer to take your son somewhere? You’d raise Hell before you allowed that to happen. 

Oliver’s curiosity burst and he asked, “Who are you?”

Bucky acted stunned and looked between you and Oliver. You shot daggers at him, what was he doing?

“Did mommy not tell you, bud? I’m your dad.”

Now you were furious. Oliver had never met his dad or seen photos. You were just 2 months pregnant with him when his father died. He hadn’t even known, you planned to tell him the night he died. You had said you had no photos of him when he asked. You planned to show him, but one drunk sad night you threw them away. You had missed his father deeply, surely he wouldn’t need photos. It was a stupid move on your part; a sad, stupid move. 

Oliver looked stunned but quickly jumped with joy and hugged Bucky tight. Bucky returned the hug. Oliver was close to tears looking at his “dad”. 

“Where have you been dad? I missed you so much, mommy said you died before I was born.”

“I know buddy I’m sorry. I had to trick mommy because I was scared to meet you. But now I’m here, and I will never leave you guys again. Mommy won’t have to work anymore and we’re going to move in together. How does that sound?”

Oliver nodded his head yes. “It sounds good, daddy!”

You looked on stunned. You couldn’t believe what you were hearing. 

Bucky picked up Oliver and moved to where you sat on the couch. He sat him in your lap and moved to the tree. He picked up the present and walked back. He handed the present to Oliver who looked at Bucky surprised. “For me?”

“Yeah, buddy. That’s from mommy, she worked so hard to get that for you.”

Oliver turned to you and hugged you again. “Thanks mommy!”

You hugged Oliver back and smiled at him. “You’re welcome baby.”

Oliver ripped passed the green reindeer wrapping paper to reveal the train set. He squealed with delight and hugged you again, chanting thank yous over and over. Bucky pulled you closer so that you all looked like a family hugging. “My present is going to be sledding. I’m sorry I don’t have anything else, I wasn’t expecting to be coming this Christmas. But next year, I promise it’s going to be amazing,” Bucky said to Oliver. Oliver nodded, his hair bouncing everywhere. He smiled at you and then Bucky. Bucky’s hand traveled down to your stomach. “We have another surprise, buddy. This one’s from us both, so in total you have 3 presents. This time next year, you’re going to have a little brother or sister.” 

Your heart stopped at that. Oliver gasped and looked to you again. “Really? Yay! Best Christmas ever!” He had always wanted a little sibling, you were convinced it’d never happen. Bucky rubbed your stomach, a silent promise played in his actions. You felt sick and your face contorted into fear yet again.

Bucky smiled at you. “Consider it a Christmas surprise.” 

[gascon-en-exil]

hey there!! i love seeing your analyses about dimitri and dedue in the dimidue tag! i was wondering how you felt about the way dedue's mental health is treated within the story, and consequently in the fandom. i love dimidue, but one thing i can never get behind in fanworks is that dedue's mental health is completely neglected in favor of dimitri's. i feel like dimitri is very "in your face" with it, whereas dedue's issues are much more subtle and up for interpretation.

Something crucial that has to be kept in mind here is that there are several gameplay and storytelling factors that lead to canon prioritizing Dimitri’s mental health over Dedue’s. 

One is what I call lord privileges: lords and other major plot-relevant characters in FE naturally enjoy the potential for more development and more story focus than members of the supporting casts whose characterization is typically relegated to supports, base conversations or similar, and smaller story moments. Of the house leaders Dimitri especially benefits from this type of narrative privilege as he is the one with the clearest character arc and the only one that ties very well into the plot progression of his route - and it just so happens that his arc centers primarily around his mental state and the ways in which he and others around him address his trauma. 

A second issue is how the writing has to accommodate two very important gameplay elements, permadeath and variable recruitment. Dedue dies by default in AM for what I theorize to have been a way to make Byleth’s more central to Dimitri’s recovery, and he only has plot armor during Part 1 in order to allow him to sacrifice himself for Dimitri during the timeskip even if the player let him be defeated. This is a subtle but consistent hitch in FE’s canon writing that affects every game to different degrees, and with these two characters in particular it causes Dedue to seem much more invested in Dimitri than Dimitri is in him. There is evidence that had this not been a concern of the writers that their relationship would have felt more balanced - Dimitri has exactly one support, his C with Byleth, that can only be triggered in Part 1, and in it he mentions how close he and Dedue are - but as it stands Dedue is not allowed a proper space in AM”s conclusion to the Duscur arc or anything other than his private relationships with his support partners because he’s not slated to survive into Part 2. The writers were not very interested in placing him back into the story even if the player does save him, which is why he has so few lines and no narrative significance in cutscenes after his return and why no one, not even Dimitri, acknowledges his survival in exploration dialogue.

How fanwork deals with this obvious imbalance is a tricky question and one I feel less qualified to comment on just because different writers tackle it in very different ways. It’s undeniable that Dedue is a more emotionally reserved person than Dimitri, and better at internalizing his trauma. Granted that’s not necessarily a healthy thing as Dimitri’s gradual breakdown over the course of Part 1 viscerally demonstrates, but even on the very rare occasions that Dedue displays real anger or grief (ex. his exploration dialogue in Chapter 12 where he declares that he also wants to take revenge on Edelgard for her connection to the Tragedy of Duscur, or his tearfully consoling Dimitri as they die together in CF) he never loses himself to those emotions. Whether that’s a reflection of his personal disposition, or if he’s practiced extreme self-restraint in the years since the genocide of his people is up to fans to determine. 

It’s important to remember too that Dimitri and Dedue have been each other’s primary source of emotional and mental support for four years before the start of the game. I joke about them being basically married through extreme trauma bonding with vassalage as a socially acceptable cover, but...that kind of is their relationship when you first meet them in-game, and it’s clear from the non-AM routes that without Byleth/the player’s influence they continue to be the most important people in each other’s lives ‘til death do they part (or even beyond). It’s reasonable to surmise that they’ve worked on processing their grief together and on putting on brave faces for the world - but as Dedue notes in one of his Part 2 exploration dialogues, Dimitri is too kind and sensitive to the suffering of others, and so everything that he witnessed and endured over the game’s middle chapters and the timeskip overwhelmed his best attempts at concealing his pain. 

Does Dedue have the same problems? It doesn’t seem like it, or if he ever did it seems like he’s learned to manage those feelings. We see him brushing off Felix insulting him and negotiating Ingrid’s xenophobia and even admitting quite frankly to Dimitri that he hates Faerghus for what they did to his people but considers their relationship to be more important. He even sets clear conditions that he wants to fulfill along with Dimitri before they can be as they are together openly (and yeah, this is an extremely queer-coded set of exchanges in their supports and it’s very hard for me to take all that “friend” business even somewhat literally), and Dimitri follows through on those conditions in their ending, imagine that. Of course it’s also shown in the non-AM routes that Dedue will not abandon Dimitri should be no longer be able to restore Duscur, which says to me that Dedue’s conditions in their supports are less about being able to love one another or be together and more about what Dedue will need to feel comfortable being the royal consort in all but name to the king of Faerghus while also being just as much a proud man of Duscur. I don’t know if that speaks to Dedue’s mental state, but I do think it’s a really good indication of how they navigate their issues and interact as a couple (if not in the most traditional sense).

[questionsonislam]

What are the fundamental rights Islam gives to man?

To comprehend the importance given to human rights in Islam, it is better to have a glance at the circumstances of the world before Islam. As follows:

1. All of the states in the world were ruled by monarchy. The ruling king, monarch or emperor had full authority over the people he ruled. He used to kill or exile the people he desired, and he did not have to account for anything he had done to people.

2. People were divided into classes. The monarchs close acquaintances and relatives (the nobles) were in the privileged class. Besides, a large group of people who were despised and whose rights were violated constituted a separate class. There was a deep gap between those classes.

3. Slavery was carried out in the most barbarous way. Personal dignity was flagrantly violated.

4. People were treated depending on their races and color of their skins; the superiority of the lineages were accepted as the unique superiority measure. People were not appraised according to their intelligence, knowledge, competence, morals and virtue.

5. There were no fundamental rights or freedoms. None of the fundamental rights or freedoms such as freedom of conscience and religion, right of property, freedom of having a residence, freedom of opinion were considered for an ordinary person. People were subjected to oppression and persecution because of their belief and opinions; and consciences were under oppression.

6. The fundamental principles of law were disregarded. It was even impossible to imagine fundamental judicial concepts like equality in law, domination of the laws, individuality and legality of the punishments. Personal desires and commands were deemed as law, different punishments were applied to the persons committing the same crime but belonging to different classes.

The religion of Islam came and committed the greatest revolution in the history of humanity when the world was in such a dark state.

If it is examined fair-mindedly, it can be seen that the ultimate humane targets that have been attained today were realized many centuries before the human rights declarations were published in the Western World both in the Noble Quran and in the practices of the Prophet (PBUH),

As a matter of fact, the principles included in the speech (the Farewell Sermon) the Prophet (PBUH) gave during his Farewell Hajj are the clearest examples about the issue.

This sermon was read in the year A.D. 632 in the presence of more than 100,000 Muslims. That is, 1157 years before the 1789 Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen which is regarded as the first written text concerning human rights.

The new principles Islam brought to human rights also had major effects on the struggle of the human rights in the West.

Man has a different value from the other beings. That value increases through belief in Allah and obedience to His commands. Thus, man becomes the most honorable guest in the universe. Man gets the value of humanity by his birth, in fact by the beginning of his formation in the uterus and he bears that value throughout his life.

The value of being a human surrounds everyone. Woman-man, elder-younger, black-white, weak-strong, poor-rich, no matter from what religion and nationality, race or color; the shadow of that compassion encompasses all.

Thus, Islam protects the blood of every person from being shed illegally, his chastity from being violated, his property from usurpation, his dwelling from being violated, his lineage from being deteriorated, his conscience from being under constraint. Islam assures the honor and dignity of humanity.

The fundamental rights and freedoms Islam has provided humanity are as follows:

1. Islam put an end to the discrimination of race and color. All people descended from Hazrat Adam. It is not possible for a person to choose his own race and color. It is completely by Allahs determination. It is extremely wrong and harmful to make discrimination and to regard some races and colors as supreme by condemning some races and colors both from the point of view of Islam and humanity.

Almighty Allah says in the noble Quran that He created mankind from a male and a female, and that when their numbers increased, he made them into nations and tribes so that they would know and help each other easily and they would make friends . (al- Hujurat, 13)

As it is seen, the fact that people are from different races and colors are not for superiority to each other but for getting acquainted with and helping each other.

An event illuminating that approach of Islam is as follows:

Abu Dharr, from the companions (sahaba), got angry with Bilal al-Habashi and insulted him by saying: Son of the black woman. He despised him because of his mothers color. When the Prophet (PBUH) was informed of the event, he got very angry and told Abu Dharr the following:

— O Abu Dharr. You have despised Bilal because of his mothers color, is that so? Then, you still have the mentality of the age of ignorance (jahiliyyah).

Hazrat Abu Dharr felt very sorry and repented for those words that slipped out of his mouth with a momentary anger without his intention. He began to cry, threw himself to the ground and put his face on the ground and he said:

— I swear, I wont raise my face from the ground unless Bilal threads and tramples on my cheek with his foot.

He apologized to Bilal al-Habashi repeatedly.

2. Islam put an end to the superiority of family and ancestry and being proud of that. During a meeting that the Companions (sahaba) were present, Sad b. Abi Waqqas offered some of the notables to mention the names of their ancestries. He named his ancestors from the beginning to the end. Salman al-Farsi, who was originally from Iran, was also present there, He didnt have a famous lineage as the notables of Quraish. He did not know his ancestors in detail, either. When Hazrat Sad offered him to name his ancestors, he found this offer strange and gave him this answer: I am Salman, son of Islam. I dont know my ancestors like you. I know one thing that Allah has honored me with Islam

Hazrat Umar also felt uncomfortable with that unnecessary offer of Sads about naming ancestors that reminded the mentality of the age of ignorance . He was so pleased with Salmans meaningful answer that he likened his answer to Salmans answer saying, I am Umar, the son of Islam, too.

When the Prophet (PBUH) heard the case, he also liked Salmans answer and he said: Salman is from me, from my family.

The Prophet demolished the mentality of ignorance based on the superiority of the lineages by giving the noblest families daughters in marriage to some companions that were slaves set free.

3. Islam brought the citizens the right to control and supervise their administrators. It aimed to put an end to the arbitrary management, injustice and illegality in the administration of the state. Hazrat Abu Bakr expressed that issue as follows in his speech when he was elected as the Caliph: O people! I have been elected as your administrator although I am not the best one among you. Obey me if I perform my duty in accordance with Islam. If I go astray, warn me.

One day, Hazrat Umar asked the Muslims in the mosque, If I go astray, what will you do? They replied: We will straighten you with our swords. Hazrat Umar was very pleased with that answer.

4. Freedom of Thought and Conscience. Freedom of thought and conscience is the most important human right after right of living. Not giving this right to man means reducing him to the degree of the animals by getting him out of his real essence. Therefore, Islam by no means allows thoughts and consciences to be kept under oppression. With the principle There is no compulsion in religion, Islam does not approve of making people accept the fundamentals of belief by force.

5. Islam has paid attention to the establishment of slavery painstakingly and brought it to a judicial regulation.

When the religion of Islam arose, slavery was prevalent as he most barbaric and inhuman practice all over the world. Islam, of course, could not have been expected to abolish that establishment completely that was prevalent all over the world. So, Islam did not choose to abrogate slavery completely at once but gave it the most humane and civil form by making great reforms regarding it. In addition, Islam supplied some formulae to make slavery abolish indirectly by increasing and facilitating the ways of passing to freedom from slavery.

6. Freedom of Property. Love of property and desire to have goods are among the various feelings Allah has given to man. That issue has been specified clearly in the Quran. Islam has given man the right to have property and has laid the groundwork for satisfying that feeling in a legal way. Nobody can interfere in any way with anybodys right of having property that Islam gives to him without his permission.

7. Equality before Law. Islam accepts all people equal before law like the teeth of a comb. Islam does not allow making a privileged treatment to the people in accordance with their social status and pedigrees.

In Islam, the dominance and the superiority of the laws are essential. The president and any of the citizens are treated equally before law. The guilty one is penalized even though he is a president. The most striking examples of it are that Fatih Sultan Mehmet and a Greek architect; Hazrat Ali and a Jewish; Salahaddin al- Ayyubi and an Armenian were taken to the court to be judged.

A woman from a noble family of the Mahzum tribe committed a theft on the conquest day of Mecca and she was caught in the act. She had to be punished. But, since the woman belonged to a noble family, they were afraid to blacken the name of the family so they wanted her to be forgiven and not to be punished. But how would they attain it? How would they tell it to the Prophet? Eventually, they sent Usama b. Zayd, the beloved one by the Prophet, to the Prophet as an envoy. Usama entered the presence of the Prophet and told him about the case. He asked him to forgive the guilty woman. The Prophet (PBUH) got very angry with this offer. He got out right away and made this historical speech:

O Muslims, do you know why the nations before you had been demolished and destroyed and had become a thing of the past? When a person from the notables committed a crime, they would not punish him. However, when an ordinary person committed a crime, they would desire strongly to apply the punishment. This injustice caused them to be destroyed. I swear, if the person committing the crime were my daughter Fatima, I would not hesitate to punish her at all.

Thereupon, the punishment was applied immediately.

The following sentences from the speech that Hazrat Abu Bakr made when he was selected as the Caliph also attract attention from that point of view: The weakest ones among you are the strongest before me till they take their rights. The strongest ones are the weakest before me till I take others rights from them.

8. Individuality and Legality of Punishment. In Islam, there can be no illegal punishment, and punishing somebody else instead of the person committing the crime is not in question.

The principle of the individuality of punishment is expressed in Chapter al-Anam as follows: Every soul draws the meed of its acts on none but itself: no bearer of burdens can bear the burden (sin) of another. (Verse: 164)

9. Independence and Impartiality of the Courts. Courts, which are the establishments for justice in Islam, have been kept away from all kinds of outer oppressions, personal animosities, spites andarbitrary applications; and the judges havent been allowed to lose their impartiality. In Islamic courts, presidents were tried with ordinary people and they were punished if they were found guilty.

10. Inviolability of Residence and Immunity of Private Life. In Islam, nobody has the right to interfere with an individuals private life and to enter his residence without his permission. In Islam, it is forbidden inspecting peoples confidential affairs.

11. Freedom of Travel. In Islam, traveling is accepted as a cause to learn lessons and to get healthy. Therefore, people are encouraged to travel.

12. Right of living, assurance of protecting lives, property and chastity from violation. That issue has been manifested in the most beautiful way in the Farewell Sermon by Allahs Messenger:

O people! Just as you regard this month, this day, this city as Sacred, so regard the life and property of every Muslim as a sacred trust. They are protected from all kinds of violation.

13. Social Security. The religion of Islam patronizes man so that he wont be aggrieved and wretched due to old age, illness, disasters and accidents, and Islam takes the future of the needy under assurance through social security measures it supplies. Above all, Islam incites people to take themselves under assurance economically by encouraging them to work. Besides, Islam supplies a distinct security in the family, in the circle of neighbors and relatives by various measures it has taken. The state itself takes the individuals security under assurance when all of these security precautions are insufficient. The establishment of zakat (alms) and waqfs are the perfect social security foundations.

14. Freedom of Labor, Justice and Equality of Payment. In Islam, working and endeavoring are appreciated and encourageed greatly. Begging, being a burden to someone else is not welcomed. What is more, working to provide a living for ones family is regarded as worship as long as (fardhs) obligatory duties are performed. The verse, That man can have nothing but what he strives for. shows the importance Islam gives to endeavoring and working

Islam, which assures the freedom of working fully –on condition that it is a legal earning way-, also organizes the relationship between the employee and the employer in the nicest way.

The principle Pay the wages of a worker before his sweat dries assures the rights of workers in the perfect way.

The worker, in return, will try to complete the work assigned to him perfectly and completely and he will accept trying to deserve the wages he receives as a principle.

15. Patronage of Children. Islam patronizes children beginning from their birth; several aids are made to parents for their children nutrition and clothing expenses and subsidies are allocated from the treasury of the government. Today, that aid is supplied in all rich states under the name money for children. Allahs Messenger insistently warned the army of Islam against killing women and especially children in the wars.

16. Fundamental Education is Obligatory and Free of Charge. The hadith Seeking of knowledge is obligatory for every Muslim man and woman. makes the fundamental education obligatory. The curriculum of the fundamental education has been prepared very carefully in Islam.

The fundamental education includes vocational education besides religious, ethical and moral knowledge. Islam considers it necessary for children to be trained for a profession along with religious knowledge.

[chibimyumi]

Kinda personal question but what makes Elisabeth special to you? (Trigger warning) And in your opinion, does it romanticise things like mental illness and suicide? I think that ‘Die Schatten werden länger’ is a pretty apt metaphor for how it feels to have depression and suicidal thoughts (depending on one’s interpretation of what Death is) or to be emotionally abused. I ask about the productions with Furuka Yuta as Rudolf and the recent one with him as Death.

Dear Anon,

‘Elisabeth’ is my ultimate gateway down the rabbit hole of theatre and story-telling. Before ‘Elisabeth’ I was mostly a passive consumer of media, but after, I started to consider mechanisms of story-telling, and saw how different performers can tell different stories using the same script. This taught me how actions (dictated by the script) are just that - actions; and before we can understand a character, we must delve into what the context is of those actions.

Of course, the music is also just phenomenal, and it IS a musical, after all.

TL;DR: But importantly, I love ‘Elisabeth’ because it’s literally written to be a “F*ck you, Hollywood.”

In this post I discussed how ‘Elisabeth das Musical’ managed to save crumbling European cinematic culture. I am very tired of the Hollywood conventions, and ESPECIALLY tired of the glorification of romance. ‘Elisabeth’ subverted both of these stale conventions for me, and I was able to enjoy an alternative to the popular tropes of: “the superhuman lover, the caged bird, lonely at the top” in a new context.

This post will be divided into the following chapters:

1. Elisabeth

1.1. Deconstructing romance

1.2. Wife- and Motherhood

1.3. No pedagogical message in yer face!

2. Rudolf

2.1. Deconstructing romance

2.2. Depression in children

2.3. Crushing expectations and grandness

2.4. Deconstructing masculinity

3. Der Tod

3.1. Villain?

3.2. Predatory lover?

4. Conclusion

Trigger Warning: The text below contains mention of depression and suicide.

Romanticising mental illness?

‘Elisabeth’ is admittedly a bit of a problematic fave to me; it does indeed romanticise mental illness. However! Contrary to mainstream conventions, ‘Elisabeth’s does not show that mental illness can be cured because of THE POWER OF LOVE! It unapologetically showcases the destructiveness of mental illness, and how it is a long and painful struggle without promise of success. And that is exactly what a mental illness can be.

1. Elisabeth

1.1. Deconstructing romance

Elisabeth herself is the clearest example. She was a happy-go-lucky girl who was not destined to become Empress (her sister was), and yet she was chosen as bride by the handsome and young Emperor, Franz I, against his mother’s will. It is the dream many girls are taught to have.

And yet, it was exactly after becoming part of a fairy tale that her life sank into hell. Not just because of Sophie, but also because of her husband. Her husband did not turn out to be ‘a bad guy’ like Hollywood will make you believe is the only reason a relationship will fail. No, Franz was just entirely ignorant towards anything Elisabeth needed. Franz’ failure as lover was not what he ‘did’, but rather, what he ‘did not’. I think it is very important to show how real relationships require compatibility AND hard-work, but that without both, it just won’t work.

1.2. Wife- and motherhood

In conventional media, a woman like Elisabeth’s journey would be to find ‘the love she deserves’, she would still be ‘someone’s romantic interest’, just not Franz’. But in the musical, her arc is preserving and exercising her autonomy, and make the best out of a terrible situation. Women are trapped in patriarchy, and usually there is just no escape. And therefore seeing the strength of a woman who makes the best out of her pain is inspiring, and more relatable.

Usually in media, if the woman is not ‘the wife’, then the way she is strong is her focus on being ‘the mother’. Elisabeth however, was shown to be a terrible mother! She was not callous, she was very loving in fact. But because she had so much going on, she simply did not have extra mental energy to spend on her son. I find it very refreshing that love is simply not enough to make human-relations work, whether it’s romantic or familial relationships. Saying that somebody fails in a relationship ‘because you don’t love x enough’ is shortsighted and backwards.

It is breathtaking for me to see a narrative that solely focused on a woman’s struggles without the romance, and without the shackles of motherhood. No, she was struggling because she could not be a person.

1.3. No pedagogical message in yer face!

I also absolutely love how Elisabeth is not an idol that we are supposed to learn from. It’s not: “women! Look at this woman and [be/don’t be] this woman!!”. No, ‘Elisabeth’ leaves its viewer alone, and does not try to impose onto any ‘how to be a woman’.

We are simply supposed to see her life, and sympathise with her as human. The story never justifies her shortcomings, and never glorifies her as the fairy tale Empress ‘die Junge Kaiserin’ would have you believe.

‘Elisabeth das Musical’ does not treat its audience as people that must be educated; instead it assumes the audience has a mind of its own, and can participate in the story as Elisabeth’s peer.

2. Rudolf

2.1. Deconstructing romance

Rudolf’s arc is likewise one wherein his mental illness is not ‘magically cured by romance’. The historic Rudolf was married and he was VERY unhappy in his marriage. However, his unhappy marriage was not the cause of his depression, nor did it really matter that much in making it worse. Rudolf did have a lover (Mary Vetsera), and they loved each other deeply. However, that was not enough to make his mental illness bearable for him.

This forbidden-love part of Rudolf’s life was so insignificant to his depression, that the writers left it out entirely in ‘Elisabeth das Musical’, and his arc was still perfectly round without it.

2.2. Depression in children

‘Elisabeth’ is an excellent example of how depression is not limited to certain groups of people; anyone can be haunted by it. Rudolf is able bodied, white, wealthy, the crown prince of an Empire, intelligent, etc. etc. And yet he had crippling depression, and it is NOT because he was whiny within privilege.

Just like with his mother, Rudolf is also not an idol we’re supposed to imitate. However, we are supposed to learn from seeing him. We first meet Rudolf as a young child, and because he was not given any help, his depression escalated into suicidal depression later on. Many people either don’t believe that children can be depressed, or simply don’t take it seriously. Rudolf however, shows everyone how depression can in fact destroy the lives of children, not unlike adults. Even better; he is a historic character who actually existed. Good luck denying that!

2.3. Crushing expectations and grandness

As discussed above, Rudolf’s struggle has nothing to do with romance, but crushing expectations. As Furukawa explained in this interview: “When Rudolf finally figured out what he wanted to do, he was faced with his country sinking into crisis. He was stuck in the situation where he did not have the power to say anything, and yet had the status wherein everyone expected him to act for the benefit of the state. If he did not act he would be a neglectful man, unworthy of the title of ‘crown prince’, but if he did act for the benefit of the state, he would be a rebel.”

I think it is very refreshing too that despite all the good qualities Rudolf has (2.2.), he simply could not live up to the crushing expectations. It is very important to see how failure is often not the inability of the person, but that too much was expected of ONE human being to begin with.

2.4. Deconstructing toxic masculinity

Rudolf performs a very refreshing form of masculinity that is a departure from Hollywood’s ‘male hero’ model. His entire character is centered on his vulnerability, but he is NEVER portrayed as the loser. Instead, we see a man admitting his vulnerability and looking his depression in the eyes, and never being ashamed of it. He never blames himself for ‘not being man enough’ to live up to social expectations. Instead of “becoming a proper man!!” Rudolf knows that what he needs is compassion, a person he can talk to (his mother), and a fucking break.

Death is almost always without exception ‘punishment’ in stories. However, with Rudolf there were clearly external factors that have nothing to do with his supposed inaptness. The perpetrator was active in the sense that LITERAL Death manipulating him into committing suicide. Rudolf was a victim instead of someone punished for a “sin of not being man enough”.

3. Der Tod

3.1. Villain?

I am very tired of the good vs evil dichotomous story telling of Hollywood. Another thing I love about this musical is how it is entirely ambiguous who the villain is. It’s easy to point at Der Tod, but is he really the villain?

The script of this ingenious musical is written so freely that depending on the performers/director, the villain is either ambiguous, or non-existent, WITHOUT the story being vague. Depending on the actor of Der Tod, he is either an actual entity who governs over life and death, or the product of one’s imagination.

3.2. Predatory lover?

Der Tod’s existence and his pursuit of Elisabeth’s ‘love’ is the main factor that plays in saying “‘Elisabeth’ romanticises mental illness”. But depending on how the performers of Elisabeth and Der Tod interpret these roles, the story either becomes:

a toxic romance that is self-aware of its toxicity,

or like how Furukawa Yuta and Manaki Reika in 2019 managed, into a heroic tale of preserverence and a battle of wits.

Most importantly, in (most) non-Takarazuka versions, after Elisabeth dies, she is not there anymore to ‘reciprocate’ Der Tod’s feelings. She is just gone. Only in the Takarazuka version (I believe) does she enter the Underworld and actively becomes Der Tod’s lover.

So outside Takarazuka’s version, Der Tod is never rewarded with ‘a lover’; he simply gets his prey as a predator. Whether this ‘predator’ is a lover however, is again up to interpretation. But otherwise, death getting a mortal is just a very natural phenomenon, not victory as Furukawa puts it.

4. Conclusion

In conclusion, yes, ‘Elisabeth das Musical’ does have many elements that may qualify it as ‘a romanticisation of mental illness’, but ultimately I think it is not just that simple.

We must consider what the message is that the musical sends, and it is NOT: “because Elisabeth/Rudolf are mentally ill, they embark on an epic journey.” If anything, the musical makes very clear that the mental illnesses of Elisabeth and her son are the main culprit that MAKES them miserable, and that Der Tod is the personification thereof, hence his predatory nature. In ‘Elisabeth’, mental illness ‘preys’ on its victims.

The romanticisation mostly (though not solely) comes from the consumers, because we are conditioned to read stories like ‘Elisabeth’ as a romance.

We see a man (???) claiming to love a woman, and he chases her and won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. He goes through extreme means to impress her, and the story even comes with a ‘love rival’ (Franz).

We see a woman ‘yearning’ for something, and that something can only be given by Der Tod, and finally she does find peace when she is with him.

But, we must pay attention to what Elisabeth says when she is dead. It is not: “I’ve been looking for true love, and now I found it,” or “I wanted freedom, and you’ve been kindly offering it to me, but I was too foolish to accept earlier.” No, the very last thing she sings is:

“I have cried, laughed, been disheartened and I have prayed. There had been days where I tasted defeat in my senseless battle.Regardless, I have entrusted my life to myself alone!”

“Winning Elisabeth’s love” is the term Der Tod set without Elisabeth having any say in it. The term she set for herself is staying true to herself and not giving up; which she NEVER did. As such, THAT ⇈ was Elisabeth claiming victory of always having stayed true to herself, and it has NOTHING to do with Der Tod. She does not need Der Tod, she simply needed freedom.

[argyle-s]

On Supercorp

So, I am aware that, among certain circles, I have a bit of a reputation as an “anti”.  Anti-Supercorp, Anti-Lena.  I’ll admit, the reputation is well deserved.  I have, over the past few months, made a lot of anti-Lena posts.  Since Septemper 25 of this year, I have posted more than two hundred posts with the “anti lena luthor” tag.

Now, I’ve never really been a quiet fan.  Even before I started making posts tagged anti lena luthor, I was on the Sunshine Protection Force’s block list, because I dared to make a meme for a ship that Vv doesn’t approve of as a gift for a friend.  I once dared to point out that Kara was more likely to go to Alex with a question about something she didn’t understand, and got called a ‘granny stanning fuck’.  I got harassed to the point of taking down one of my fics because a bunch of teenagers in the Sanvers fandom didn’t like me writing about Alex and Maggie engaging in self destructive behavior.  Oh, and I had dared to write posts criticizing Lena’s behavior.

But why the sudden, vehement dislike of Lena and the Supercorp ship?

In order to explain that, I have to explain a bit about who I am.  I am a 43 year old bisexual trans woman.  I transitioned about 2 months after my 42 birthday.  I grew up in a deeply religious, homophobic, transphobic home.  My grandmother and her second husband were my primary care takes for the time I was about 6 months old, until he died when I was 16.  I finally managed to move out when I was about 21.  By the time I moved out of my grandmother’s house, I was already involved with a woman who was ten years older than me.

I was abused for the first 34 years of my life.  First by my Grandmother and her husband, then by my intimate partner.  When I was a child, I got the full buffet.  Mental, emotional and physical abuse.  My Grandmother liked wire and plastic fly swatters.  Her husband liked leather belts, his firsts, and on one notable occasion, a buck knife.  I at various times watched him try to murder one of my uncles with said knife, and try to choke my brother to death.  He was a prescription drug addict, and his moods were as unpredictable as his choice of drugs each morning.  I met my ex, who was my first girlfriend, when I was 19 and she was 29.  She spent two years grooming me.  We first slept together when I was 21 and she was 31.  We were together for 13 years, and the best thing I can say about her is that she never hit me.  The physical abuse stopped when I was sixteen and my grandmother’s husband died, but not being hit doesn’t mean that twenty-two years of my life weren’t filled with horrible abuse and violence.

I eventually escaped.  I got lucky.  My brother got remained to an abuse survivor, and the more she and I interacted, the more she picked up on the signs of abuse.  It took her years to coax me into standing up for myself, and when I finally did, when I finally stood up to my ex and said ‘you’re abusing me’ she immediately threw me out.  It was honestly the kindest thing she’d ever done for me.  She literally released me from the promises and commitment I had made to her, and let me walk away from the hellscape of that life with a clean conscience.

I walked away, but not without lasting injury, and permanent scars.  I have depression, anxiety, CPTSD and an eating disorder.  I’ve spent long periods of my life dealing with suicidal tendencies.  And I was, at the time I walked away, a 34 year old closeted trans woman.

What does all of that have to do with Supercorp you ask?

Pretty much everything.

Kara Zor-El has been my favorite Superhero since I was about 8 years old and say the Helen Slater movie for the first time.  Up until that point, Superman has held the crown, but I felt a much deeper connection to Kara than I ever did as Clark.  It would be decades before I really understood why she resonated so strongly, but my love for Kara has always been there.

Then 2015 rolled around, and Supergirl premiered, and I was blown away.  This was a version of Kara that I connected with so much more deeply that any other version.  This was everything I had ever wanted.  I fell in love with the show, and with Kara Danvers.  I felt a kinship and a connection to the character at the time in my life when I was struggling deeply with depression and anxiety.

As ridiculous as it may sound, Supergirl was a lifeline.  The show filled me with so much hope that I could survive, that I could make it.  Kara was a roll model.  She’s been through something horrible, and she came out of it and all she wanted to do was help.  And no matter how hard things were, no matter how cruel the world was to her, she still had hope, she still had strength, and she still did everything she could to help.

I came out the summer between the first season and the second.  Told the world that I am bisexual, that I have gender disphoria.  I did it in the wake of the Pulse Shooting.

A few weeks later, I got Kara’s symbol tattooed on my arm.  Below it are Cat Grant’s words.  “Hope in Stronger Than Fear.”  I did it as a reminder to myself.

Then season two started.

I admit, I didn’t pay much attention to Lena at first.  Cat, who I loved was gone, and I was swept up in Alex’s coming out storyline.  Lena was just kind of there.  I didn’t really connect to her.  But what I did see...  It bothered me.  The alien detector storyline in her second episode left a sour taste in my mouth.  The fact that she put Kara's life on the line by telling Lillian that Kara was investigating her.  It wasn't really until the end of Ace Reporter (2x18) that I really noticed just how uncomfortable her character made me.  There was something about that final scene between her and Kara that just didn't sit right.  Looking back, I think it's because that's the first time (at least that I remember) that Lena shifts the responsibility for her behavior onto Kara.  It's subtle, it's all the in the subtext of what she's saying, but it's there.

The next disturbing moment is in 3x02, and the confrontation between Kara and Lena.  Kara sets a boundary.  She tells Lena the problem she is having in personal, and that she doesn't want to talk about it at work.  Lena, instead of respecting that boundary, instead of backing off, immediately punishes Kara for daring to not share every detail of her life.  Yes, Kara was not doing her job, but Lena's obviously knew Kara was having issues, and she came down on Kara the way she did to punish her for having boundaries and feelings.

From there, Lena's actions towards Kara get more and more questionable, and I will not go through and innumerate all of them.  I've done so in a number of other posts.  But there is a slow but steady building of a pattern of abuse between Lena and Kara, with Lena as the abuser and Kara as the victim.  It gets progressively worse.  The pattern is clear.  Lena expects Kara to be completely emotionally available to her at all times.  She feels entitled to Kara's every thought and feeling.  She expects and allows Kara to perform all the emotional labor in the relationship.  And any time Kara doesn't to all of this, any time Kara sets a boundary, or isn't available at Lena's whim, Lena punishes Kara for it.  The clearest example of this, prior to the Lex reveal, was in American Dreamer (4x19) when Lena lays into Kara for not being there for her.

And ultimately, that's what is going on in season 5.  All of Season 5 so far, with the exception of Crisis, is Lena's attempt to punish Kara for not making every single part of her life available to Lena.  And there is a dangerous level of escalation to Lena's abuse that we see, even before the season starts. In the preview, we see that there is a clear desire, on Lena's part, to physically harm Kara.  It wouldn't actually be the first time.  Lena allows Kara to get hurt by not telling her that the forcefield will hurt her if she uses her x-ray vision on it back in The Fanatical (3x19).  It's a horrible moment, but I'm not including it in the pattern of abuse directed towards Kara, because at the time, Lena didn't know Supergirl and Kara were the same person.  I realize some people are going to point out that what was say in the VR simulations were just that, simulations, but Lena does, eventually, especalate to physical abuse in Tremors (5x07) when she cages Kara in ice and exposes her to Kryptonite.

Now that I've laid out all the back story here, let's address the original question.  Why am I so vehemently anti lena luthor and anti supercorp?

Because watching Kara and Lena's relationship feels very much like watching the nightmare of my relationship with my ex play out in front of my eyes.  The slow escalation of abuse.  The gaslighting.  The punishment for having feelings.  The inability of Kara to hold any part of her life back from Lena without being punished for her.  Kara is one of my favorite characters in all of fiction.  She has been for 35 years.  I feel a personal connection and kinship to her, and watching her be abused so badly and so long, until we get an entire episode like The Wrath of Rama Khan (5x08) where she sounds like nothing so much as a battered woman defending her abuser, is painful.  But worse than that, watching the Supercorp fandom glorify and romanticize it, watching then take delight in "the angst", is horrifying.

Kara is being abused by Lena, and the Supercorp fandom is out there cheering Lena on.  They are claiming that the abuse is absolutely justified by the fact that Kara kept a secret.  They are baying for the escalation of violence against Kara by Lena.

It's disgusting.  It is.

I don't expect this post to change the minds of the Supercorp die hards or the Lena die hards.  But there are people in this fandom who are going to see the fandom holding up Kara and Lena and screaming 'relationship goals'.  I hope they see this post, because there are people out there who genuinely need to hear that the dynamic between Kara and Lena isn't health, it isn't okay, it's nothing to be emulated or envied.  The relationship between Kara and Lena is sick, and toxic, and abusive.  If anyone *ever* treats you the way Lena treats Kara.  Run.  I don't care what you've promised them.  I don't care what committments you made.  Run.  Just run.

Because that kind of abuse will wear you down, it well tear you apart.  It will make you long for death.  It will make you dream of putting a gun in your mouth.

I know.  Because it did all of that to me.

That's why I have two hundred plus posts tagged anti lena luthor.

But I'm not tagging this one that way, because it's not hating on a character to tell the truth.  And the truth is, Lena Luthor is an abuser, and she's a villain.

[notbecauseofvictories]

Can I ask what field your new job is in? I know you wanted to move away from law; I want to move away from the career path I've spent all the years since graduating university bolting myself to, and I just wondered how you did it/ if you did it, and what kind of sideways movements made sense for you?

For privacy reasons, I won’t talk explicitly about my new job, though you’re correct it’s not an attorney position. (I still love law but I’m not barred in Illinois and I haven’t been practicing long enough to waive in, which makes finding attorney jobs very difficult until I can retake the bar.)

I will say that if you want to move away from a particular career path, there are a couple questions I’ve found helpful to ask myself:

1.) What do I want to do when I grow up?

I am a big proponent of the game plan. 

You can, of course, jump off a cliff with no parachute or idea of what waits for you at the bottom. That is a certain kind of game plan! And some people pull it off with great aplomb, I’m not knocking it. However, I am a risk-adverse, pragmatic scaredy cat, and I absolutely never start something unless I have at least a vague idea of the best- and worst-case results. So when I’m about to make a life change like “get out of terrible job, move back to Chicago” I start by figuring out—well, what the hell does that actually look like?

But before I think about what that looks like, I take a step back and ask myself a whole battery of questions:

What is my ideal, perfect-world job? What’s my title? What are the hours I work? Do I travel often, not at all, somewhere in between?

What do my dream responsibilities consist of? 

How much interaction am I comfortable with—would I be happy sitting behind a desk all day, or do I want to be out among the people?

How much authority would be happy with? Do I want to be in charge, or is following orders where I’m most comfortable?

What else do I want in my life, such that I’m willing to make career tradeoffs? (e.g., do I want a family I spend lots of time with, a hobby I can devote myself to outside of the 9-to-5, a charity or start-up that I see as my real passion?)

Where do I want that perfect-world job to be? Am I happy changing cities, moving frequently, to pursue the work I want to do, or does location come first and drive what jobs I’m willing to take?

[An additional question you encounter a lot as a lawyer is: “are you okay not necessarily believing in the organization you serve? do you care whether  you serve a particular mission, or are you really just here to draw a paycheck and not break laws?” but I recognize that’s a conundrum probably….unique to lawyers.]

After answering the questions above, you might realize that your exact, ideal dream job doesn’t exist—that’s fine! but a valuable first step is understanding what your priorities are, where you see yourself being happy, and what you think is important in your professional life.

2.)  What steps would I very likely need to take to get there?

Even if it does exist, chances are you won’t be able to leapfrog from your current position to your exact, ideal dream job. (FYI, my current position is not my dream job or even really a stepping stone to the dream job; I made compromises based on other criteria.) So the next step is the inevitable plunge back into reality—namely, okay, so how the hell do I get to where I’m going???

If you don’t already know (which is likely, given that this isn’t your field) then this step is a knowledge-gathering endeavor. You’re trying to figure out what the path looks like, so naturally, consult other people on the path you’re interested in. 

Personally, I highly encourage you utilize the absolute crap out of your network. 

By which I mean: stalk facebook, LinkedIn, your school’(s) alumni pages, your parent’(s) friends, your friends’ friends, the people who work at the same place you do (even if you’ve never met them), everyone you have a mutual connection with via social media, individuals who belong to a professional association you hope to join, academics/journalists/lawyers/etc. with non-private twitters who you’ve looked up to for a long time and whose career you want to emulate, etc. If they’re nearby, invite them to a 15-20 minute coffee break. If they’re interested in mentoring, do lunch, dinner. Follow up with the professors who inspired you and email people who make news about stuff you want to work on. If you’re interested in going back to school for a degree (the clearest way to communicate a professional shift, fyi) then email the school you’re interested in and let them fete you. You’re going to be so obnoxious!!!*

* Do not be obnoxious. If you’re looking for a polite way to introduce yourself to someone you don’t know personally but hope to make a professional connection with, see me after class.

And honestly, sometimes the answer is a degree, a certification, a particular internship or a personal connection. Sometimes the answer is redrafting your resume. Sometimes the answer is “well, you’d really want to work as X or Y before I consider you for Z.” Sometimes the advice is, “sorry, we only consider graduates from this school/that internship/etc. and you aren’t so.” 

You end up having to keep looking, and looking and looking. There are a lot of ways to get rejected from a job these days. There are similarly a lot of ways to get where you’re going, whether you know about them or not.

………I’d also urge you to keep in mind that all advice (all of it, even mine!) is personal. When people talk about their careers, career paths, and their strategies for attaining both, they are speaking from a deeply private place—as much as “how to know your romantic partner is The One.” It’s just a bit more prosaic in its outlook. 

3.)What skills do I currently have, or can reasonable acquire in my current role, that will take me from A to X/Y/Z/or ultimately B?

Even if you could snap your fingers and go from point A (where you are) to point B (where you ideally, perfectly, want to be) chances are the you that currently, professionally exists wouldn’t be prepared for it. So as you think about transition to a stepping-stone job, or a new field, think seriously about what the hell you bring to the table and how you’ll convince that interviewer that actually, you’re perfect for the job. 

It does take some creative thinking and a little bit of conniving corporate wordplay (which is fair game, as the corporations invented it first.) For example:

Have you worked as a McDonalds’ drive-thru window representative and shift manager for the past 5 years? well, congratulations, you are, right now, an expert in customer service and human capital resource management. 

Are you currently a lowly typist-slash-clerk? well, mazel, because actually your specialty is in database management and particularly data cleansing, you could probably pass yourself off as an analyst if you knew a little R, python, or other programming languages.

Do you deal with disgruntled customers all day? Well done, because literally every industry will hire you, they all have angry people who call the hotline/helpline/tipline/etc. and are constantly on the lookout for humans who will not shout YOU ABSOLUTE ASSHOLE back at said disgruntled customers.

Have you been in a different industry, but are looking to transition to a similar role in a new industry? Well done, you, talk about your leadership, curiosity, and self-starter attitude. Managers love a self-starter, probably because they like to entertain visions of not having to do work.

If you feel you could attain the necessary skills in your current role, sometimes  it’s just matter of talking to your current boss (depending on the boss!) Saying, “hey, I’m really interested in Z, could you put me on Z? is there any Z to be had?” is a good first step. Even just to tell the interviewer for a position with a lot of Z duties that you went to your boss saying “I want to do Z, Z is def a priority for me.”

4(ish): Keep reevaluating, based on the new information you acquire.

Going through Step #1 now, answering those questions about myself and my ideal work/workplace/job, is a completely different experience than it was in early 2018. As a recent law school graduate, all I thought about was finding the best learning experience—a year and 6 months later, having been run through the wringer of one helluva a learning experience, I can tell you that there is other stuff to think about. It’s not that my answers have changed, I would still be happy traveling, working long hours, with diverse clients. But there’s other stuff I couldn’t even conceive of then, that I realized (the hard way) was very important to me.

So don’t be afraid to revisit your answers, to keep thinking, reevaluating, considering where you are and where you want to end up.

[totallypathet]

Episode Ten

The makeover challenge!! I personally love the makeover challenge. I know there are lots of people who hate it because the judging is very inconsistent, and the criteria for the challenge isn't exactly the clearest - which I totally get (and agree with to an extent), but I still love it! I just love watching makeovers, tbh. Plus it's really interesting seeing how the queens can make someone (who out of drag looks nothing like them) look like they're in the same family. It really shows who the makeup artists are.

Without further adieu, let's get into the breakdown...

1. Crystal Methyd

Crystal did such an amazing job this week! Her trajectory has just been going up, and up, and up! She has been doing so amazing well, and proving every single week why she deserves to be there.

The one tiny little reservation I had was that if she had been making me over, I think I would have been a tiny bit disappointed that everyone else got these beautiful glamorous (mostly) looks, and I was literally painted like a muppet. But, it seemed like Grace was really loving it and feeling herself, so honestly good for her!

Having said that, I really did live the runway. It was clever, it was cute, it was fashion, it had a story...it was everything. For me, Crystal did the best job this week, and I kind of wish she had won, or maybe been joint with Jaida. I just think she had the best concept, the most complete story, and a really clearly great relationship with her fan.

2. Gigi Goode

I feel a little bit like I don't even want to comment on Gigi this week. I just feel disappointed.

Gigi came into this competition so strong, and from the beginning I picked her as Top 4, and by Snatch Game I wanted her to win. Now, I honestly can't tell you how disappointed I'd be if she won this season.

Honestly, she should have been lip syncing this week. Everything she did was so basic and low effort, down to the name she gave Shea. Gigi Goode and BeBe Bad? Mimi Bored. The outfits were so boring, even the storyline was literally the most basic thing she could have thought of. Also tbh those outfits looked so ugly, and also uncomfortable and scratchy.

I am so disappointed in Gigi.

3. Heidi N Closet/Heidi Afrodite

Heidi Afrodite is a pretty good name, I'm not gonna lie.

Heidi wasn't the best this week. It's unfortunate, because I don't think she did badly, but of all of then she probably did do the worst.

She did such a beautiful job with Nicole's makeup, but her own was really rough. In the same vein; her outfit was gorgeous, but Nicole's was like a H&M dress. It looked like Heidi was a disco singer about to go on stage and Nicole was her manager. It was just unfortunate.

I am glad that she got Nicole's legs out, I think it was a really good thing for Nicole to see how beautiful she is, and what great legs she has! Other than that, I'm afraid Heido fumbled the ball this week.

4. Jackie Cox

Jackie and Lil Snackie! If there was a prize for naming the superfan, Jackie gets it. Lil Snackie Cox was a stroke of genius!

Unfortunately, I get the same thing from Jackie as I got from Heidi - she didn't do a bad job, she just didn't do a great one. I still think it was better than Gigi though. The outfits were both beautiful, the walk and the presentation was great, I loved Tiffany's makeup - there was just something missing, that oomph factor to just push it up a level.

I am really glad that it was a double chantay this week. I think Jackie and Heidi both have so much to give and I want to see them both succeed so much.

5. Jaida Essence Hall

So obviously we know Jaida won last week, so she got to pair the queens to the fans. I think she did an amazing job! She really gave everyone someone they could do a great job with, she didn't try and screw anyone over, I loved it. I could totally see her logic on picking the fan with similar energy to the queen. She stays slaying, she does not fight dirty, and she rises above. A true queen imo.

Her runway this week was beautiful. The dresses were sisters, and so were Jazz and Jaida. Both sets of makeup were stunning. Not that I expect anything less from the makeup artist our Jaida is! She picked really great looks, her and Bethany had great chemistry, the presentation was lovely, it was all on point for me.

I also feel like we're really getting to watch Jaida have fun, and I love that so much. I was so worried that she was going to remain this very stoic professional queen (not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just hard to relate to someone when you can see that they're not truly being themselves), but she has just let her guard down and showed us her goofy side the last few weeks, and she's been really having fun and letting us have fun with her.

We stan. Jaida is the season winner for me.

I will also say, I feel really sorry for Janet. She had this cool makeover, she got to be on Drag Race; and now that experience has probably been tainted by who did it and who she spent time with. It's a shame for her.

[timtamtalestakestwo]

Life before lockdown

Since the last blog post I wrote we seem to have escaped from one disaster and entered an even bigger one! Whilst before we were locked inside due to thick bushfire smoke, we now have clearer air than ever but the slight inconvenience of a massive pandemic..

I had a short but lovely trip back to England in February, mainly to interview for a place on the Internal Medicine Training programme. It had been a tough decision, as we both love our life together out in Australia and have had such fantastic experiences and adventures here. I think both of us would love to stay a bit longer, however with my formal training on hold whilst here and a huge difficulty in transferring said training between the countries if I were to start training here, we essentially needed to make a decision sooner rather than later.

It was brilliant to see family and friends again after so long, although certainly took a little adjusting to the cold temperatures and busy roads again having not driven on anything bigger than a largely empty dual carriageway in 30+ degree heat for 2 years!

I later found out I was successful in my application and got my first-choice job so will be spending the next 3 years in Winchester and Southampton from August! This certainly made the whole ‘moving home’ plan seem more real. Although I am fairly certain our reaction for the first few weeks/months of arriving home will be ‘what have we done?!?’ I know for me, the value of having the support of family and friends close-by going forward will hopefully outweigh the bad weather, overpopulation, and extortionate house prices!

On my arrival back to Australia, the virus was still only in its early stages and we certainly hadn’t predicted at that point the imminent deterioration in circumstances across the world; so little so that we booked everything for a trip of a lifetime for our final 2 months here – a month travelling around New Zealand and a month driving from Darwin to Perth. As you can imagine, that dream has since all been taken away rather rapidly.

Image: Celebrating my birthday with a dip in the Bogey Hole!

In early March, we welcomed Tom’s family back to Australia for another visit! The main wildlife left on the list to see after the last visit was a wombat, a platypus, a Tasmanian devil, and quolls..and so the quest began…

As I was working for their first week here, I stayed home whilst they went on an adventure up to the Bunya Mountains in Queensland. By the sounds of things, they brought the rain with them from England and weren’t blessed with the best weather. However, they enjoyed a relaxing few days away from civilization, followed by a few days at Rainbow Beach featuring a day 4WDing on Fraser Island!

We celebrated Tom’s birthday when they got back to Newcastle and were due to go to the Grand Prix in Melbourne, but unfortunately that was the start of the closure of mass gatherings and so it was understandably cancelled. However, these were the days before social distancing was even in our vocabulary, so we got our flights to Melbourne anyway, spending the day exploring the city and botanical gardens! It was only a brief visit as we had a morning flight to Hobart the following morning…

We rented 2 campervans for the trip and headed straight out of Hobart up to the Friendly Beaches in Freycinet National Park for our first night. The night sky was one of the clearest I’ve ever seen so we spent the evening stargazing on the beach and tried our hand at some long exposure star shots! We also had our first encounter with a wombat (which we almost missed in the pitch black – I only noticed it because I was wondering why something I thought was a boulder was grunting!)

Our route the next day took us up the East Coast further, via Douglas Apsley National Park where we hiked to a very refreshing (read freezing!) waterhole for a dip! We spent the night up in the beautiful Bay of Fires, in another beach-side campsite. The sound of the waves crashing on the beach next to the campervan all night was certainly something special!

Image: Apsley River Waterhole

Images: Bay of Fires

We had a long drive the next day to Cradle Mountain National Park, a place I had missed on my first visit and had been dreaming of visiting since! After covering the very wind-y Elephant Pass and across to Cataract Gorge in Launceston to stop for a stretch of the legs, we eventually reached Cradle Mountain campsite before dark. It was certainly the most equipped campsite we’d had so far – our first shower of the trip was certainly welcomed!

After dark, we piled into one van to drive into the park for a wildlife watch, spotting multiple wombats, possums, wallabies and pademelons!

The next day was forecast for rain from late morning so we got up early and Ellie and I caught the first shuttle bus into the park. The hike to the summit was tempting but the forecast suggested that wasn’t the safest choice, so Ellie and I decided to hike to Marion’s Lookout, one of the stops en route to the summit. We’d been advised against the steep rock scramble route up by the slightly over-cautious park rangers, due to the risk of slippery conditions. Instead we took a beautiful longer route up via Wombat Pools and Crater Lake. The place was breathtaking. Jagged peaks, and mirrored glacial lakes, it was everything I had hoped for! We were thankful for the early start as it felt like we had the Park to ourselves and didn’t see a soul for the route up ….until we arrived at Marion’s Lookout and were surprised to see Tom and Gill already there! Having arrived on the next shuttle bus, they had braved the short steep climb (which apparently was no way near as treacherous as we’d been warned) and beat us to it! We were all suitably red-faced and in need of a chocolate break!

I could have stayed in Cradle Mountain all week but there was so much of beautiful Tasmania left to see so we packed up to start the drive up to Stanley on the North West coast. After an hour or so standing on the ‘penguin viewing platform’ at dusk, we finally caught a glimmer of white coming in from the sea – our first fairy penguin sighting! The extra special moment was hearing cheeping noises behind us, turning, and finding two hungry little baby penguins stood at the entrance of their burrows, waiting for their mum to come back with some food!

We spent Gill’s birthday driving around the Tarkine wilderness in the North West. On our first stop at Bluff lighthouse, I managed to get a leech bite on my ankle but unfortunately didn’t notice until about an hour or two later when it was the size of a slug and had injected copious amounts of anticoagulant into me! Ellie saved the day by being the only one of us composed enough to safely take it off! But the bite mark then didn’t stop bleeding for most of the rest of the day…!

That night was the long-awaited platypus sighting, just outside Burnie. It didn’t seem like the most promising spot being very close to an industrial area, and although there were plenty of pademelons about I wasn’t hopeful about seeing a platypus and regrettably retired early to the van. Not long afterwards, Tom snr saw an unmistakable outline through a moonlit reflection on the water, passing under the bridge!

Another long drive the next day brought us over the Central Plateau conservation area and down to Mount Field National Park, not far from Hobart. We stayed in the overflow campsite there, and were surrounded by hundreds of pademelons, lots of very tame and enormous possums and even saw glow-worms on an evening stroll down to Russell Falls!

It was from here that things started to get slightly more stressful….

Whilst we were away, not only had Australia closed its borders, but so had some states, including Tasmania… so thus started a saga of flights repeatedly being cancelled by the airline, and rebooked, and cancelled again, and rebooked, and cancelled again…you get the idea. This of itself was merely a slight inconvenience if it wasn’t for the fact that not only had these cancellations meant Tom’s family missed their flight back to London with Etihad, Etihad (and most other airlines) had now grounded all international flights!

We extended our campervan hire and camped out near Port Arthur in Eaglehawk Neck peninsula in the South East, only an hour or so from the airport if we needed to make a mad dash for it at any point! It was certainly a beautiful place to be stranded and managed to make the most of it with some hikes and a break-in to the now closed Port Arthur Historic site!

After the third or fourth cancellation we decided it best to just go to the airport and wait for them to put us on a flight. It turned out that of the few flights that had been flying, only 50% of the passengers had shown up, so we ended up with a spot on the first one out. If only we’d known that sooner we wouldn’t have been in the difficult position of trying to get Tom’s family repatriated along with thousands of other tourists!

Alas, they were in luck as a relative works for BA, so after multiple international phone calls, she managed to get them safely on a flight home much sooner than many other people!

Despite the mildly stressful end, it was a fantastic trip that we were lucky to even do, as had it been a week later, Tom’s family would have never even made it into Australia!

 It was back to work for the both of us – the Emergency Department has been eerily quiet as there has not been the influx of COVID19 patients in Australia we were anticipating and many fewer people are attending unnecessarily (and more worryingly people who need to attend but aren’t…)

Tom and I are now just finishing up at work having already handed in our notices prior to knowing the world was about to turn apocalyptic, so we are now trying to sort out how we will spend the next few months without any options to travel like we had initially planned! We’re at least making the most of the fact scuba diving is on the government-approved list of daily exercise...!

We hope you are all staying safe and staying well in this rather mad time and we can’t wait to see you on the other side! xxx