#but at least i got my adhd meds again and i feel a little more normal

[serious-goose]

i'm so fucking tired . wallowing

[pinehutch]

Okay so my Thing about Dragon Age is this:

Ten years ago, I was in constant extreme pain as I worked my way towards a rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis. I had spent the previous year working 12-18 hour days most days, between an unsustainable volunteer job and my daytime career. Sometime that fall, I started noticing that my hands were locking into fists while I slept, and that the fatigue was never getting better, and that walking was really hard, more days than not.

I tried to work through it, that first awful year. I mostly did, too. I had weeks when I couldn't walk unassisted, and months where I was sick all the time because we were trying different meds. I called the rheumatologist in tears more than once, feeling hopeless and like a failure because I couldn't tolerate some of the easier drugs. And in between it all, I worked.

On the days that I couldn't work, and if my hands would let me, I played Dragon Age.

I'm stubborn, and I don't usually watch or read or play things that other people recommend until the time feels right. Spring 2014, I needed something that would be immersive enough that it could distract me from my body but that wouldn't require too much complex problem solving. I needed gaming, and some very trusted people had recommended Dragon Age to me before, so I started Origins in March and by July I had played through Origins and DA2 and all the DLC I could get. Inquisition came out that fall, and I was hooked.

(It also was one of the first ways that I learned to distinguish between healthy pain and warning sign pain: I learned to put the controller down before my hands would be so irritated I couldn't use them at all the next day.)

So there I was, having the worst year of my life (at that point), and I got to fill up my brain with lore and distractions and become a hobbyist expert in the historiography and folklore and religion and politics of something that was entirely made up. I could invest, mentally and emotionally, but I didn't have to fix anything real, including my own unfixable problem. I just had to learn, and to play.

Dragon Age brought me into video games for grown-ups, and it brought me back to fiction writing. The first short story I had written since high school was DA fic. I came back to writing poetry, the love of my life, a couple of years later.

My life doesn't look that different from the outside vs what it was 10 years ago. I'm working out whether or not I'm okay with that; making big changes in your life is hard when you're chronically ill and have adhd and you work a complicated job with a lot of responsibility, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try. I had expected that my general weariness would stretch over into a kind of Dragon Apathy - that there would be news and I'd say 'oh, nice,' and then go back to work and the other little agonies.

Instead, I'm delighted? Surprised? Fond? Something I loved and that I needed during a really difficult time is here, again, while I'm anticipating another sea change. The thing that brought me some happiness, some wonder, and some escape can do it still, maybe.

Anyway. I collect my favourite DA stuff at @free-smarcher. I always roll a rogue on my first playthrough. (In real life I'm a giant brain on a giant, clumsy body; my fantasy is being able to go undetected.) I love Varric Tethras because he's a highly-accomplished fuckup with too many responsibilities and because he's bad at his personal life.

When Veilguard comes out I will almost certainly, at least once, play it until my hands seize.

[stonemags]

SUGAR BABY AU

Ch.4 Leeway

Characters in this series: Reader, Wanda Maximoff, Natasha Romanoff, Carol Danvers, Darcy Lewis, Maria Hill, Kate Bishop, Pepper Potts, Valkyrie, Shuri

Summary: As a good friend you are responsible for people closest to you, right? But can you handle it all at once? For now, your friends are a priority.

Warnings: age gap relationships, sugar mommy/sugar baby relationships, swearing, aggression, cheating, all story is gonna be +18, you are responsible for your own ass. 

Word count: 6556

A/N: This chapter took a while and im greatfull for all your patience. This story is a proces and i go through it while writing, it growns on me with every sentance and page. Im happy i can share it with you. All ideas, theories, comments are welcome. Dont steal or claim my stuff as yours or im going to bite your ass off. Enjoy!

As always thanks to @charturnus for editing, helping to write and posting this fic. It wouldn't be here without you.

Previous chapter

CHAPTER 4

The next morning. You find Darcy occupied with her phone, laughing at something and scrolling down TikTok. You can tell which side of the platform she is on, and you smile under your breath, hearing the “woooo I’m mentally ill” sound, that both of you love. You gather yourself and enter the living room. You feel guilty, it wasn't right for you to speak to her this way, or say those things. Your opinions should never get between you and your friends, no matter what they do. God, you would help them bury a body without a question, why would you be a bitch about the way they decide to go in their life. That's not your place to say so, and you see it now, after a mostly sleepless night. You need to set things right, you need to apologize. You need to-

“Is this one of your ADHD things, when you just stand in the middle of the room and have a full-on conversation with yourself?” Darcy's voice breaks you out of your reverie, and you look at her with shocked eyes. You get lost sometimes. I guess it was one of those moments. 

“Yeah… I haven't taken my meds yet. Sorry about that.” You hang your head down and move closer to the couch that is occupied by Darcy and at least 5 blankets. Why would anybody need 5 blankets on one couch? It's not even that cold. Yes, it's November, but still, it's pretty warm for this time of the year.

“You are doing it again.” This time she touches your shoulder to bring you out and ground you, in reality a little bit more.

“Shit, sorry.”

“It's okay, what's bothering you?” She knows what, of course, she knows. The whole argument happened not more than 7 hours ago. God, you don't deserve her. 

“Darcy…. About yesterday…” You start fidgeting with your hands. Clearly uncomfortable, you are being eaten up from the inside by guilt. The fuzzy blanket that you are sitting on provides comfort with its texture. 

“About yesterday… I…”

“I know.” And you know she does, but she needs to hear it. You turn to the side to look at her, taking her hand into yours. You two were never touchy with each other. This is the kind of friendship where you would rather die than hug your friend, but you still would die for her in seconds. The older you two got, the closer you were, and the relationship between you two is far more mature now, you both are. 

“Still, even if you do, it wasn't acceptable for me to say those things. I don't have the knowledge of how it looks from your side. I have my own issues, I shouldn’t put that on you or attack you because of them. It wasn't right, and it won't happen again. I'm not going to judge any of you and if I'm going to be confused about anything I'm just going to ask. I was ignorant, angry, tired and rude. Nothing excuses my behaviour. I'm sorry Darcy.” 

She shifts her position and gets really close to you. You feel her arms around your neck and her face hidden in the crook of your neck. She feels warm, like home or fireplace, like the fuzzy blanket under your palm providing you with comfort. It takes you a second, but you practically scoop her up in your arms, hiding her even more in your chest. You stay like that for a little while and once you start pulling away you feel her grabbing you tighter. You don't let go.

“I'm sorry too.” You want to interrupt her, tell her that there is nothing to apologize for, that you were in the wrong, but she speaks again. 

“I said some shitty stuff yesterday. I don't want to talk to you that way. Even if I was a little bit right.” you both laugh at it, and the world gets a little lighter. The heavy feeling on your shoulders, it's always there, it always lingers, but now you don't carry it by yourself. When you finally pull apart, both of your eyes are a little bit glassy, you both notice it, but nobody will say anything. 

“You need to repay me, though. For the things you said.” Of course. You know that she is just using the situation and that you are actually forgiven, but you play the game either way.

“You have one wish. Shoot.”

“And no saying no?”

“No saying no.” 

“I'm going to set you up on a date. And before you interrupt me…”  You were actually going to interrupt her. 

“You have to be there for at least 30 minutes, and then I'm not going to set you up with anyone ever again.”

“Deal.” She looks at you like you’re dumb. This kind of look that tells you she is not done. You take a dramatic breath in.

“What else…?” She smiles and as much as you will never admit it, you want her happy. 

“Today Carol is having a small party with clients, friends, and business partners. It’s Bridgerton themed. You are going to be there, and you are going to like it. And no, you don't have to be there from the start, I know how you feel about all these business conversations. The party starts around 6pm and is going to last till 11pm at least. After that it's just going to be us, Maria, Kate, Pepper, Carol, Natasha and Wanda.” Hearing the last two names pulls a reaction from you. It’s one of the most dramatic eye rolls you've ever done. Darcy is laughing at you at this point, and you can't help but join her. You are not happy about any of that, but at the same time, you owe it to her.

“Yes ma’am.” The blanket beneath your fingers becomes overwhelming, so you start playing with your rings. 

“Good girl, now go because you have classes in half an hour.” She cares, and that's one of the ways she shows you that she does.

“Also, don't worry about your regency outfit! I’ve already taken care of it.” Your best friend tells you, not moving from the couch, as you stand up to take care of breakfast. She really gets on your nerves sometimes, but to be honest, you didn't even think about the outfit. You are grateful, even if it’s her that put you in this situation.

“Actually, I’m not going to uni today.” That's shocking news for her, and you get why she is surprised. 

“I also called off my shift at the bar.” Well that's a double shock, and it's surprising that she can take it. She gets off the couch and walks up to you, checking your temperature.

“Are you sick? Wait, you’re not dying, are you?” You love that dramatic bitch. 

“No, actually, we need to call a family meeting today.” 

‘’Oh,’’ Darcy breathes, realizing that the situation is serious. Only a few times before the meeting was called, this was the day Carol was introduced to all of you, or when Maria finally came out. This is an emergency only situation, and you are pretty sure that this one is justified. 

“Wait, family meeting? Someone died?” Maria’s sleepy voice flows through the room. Her hair is messy. Her silk robe flows nicely around her body. You always admired her confidence, and she is surprisingly kind for such an attractive person. Her hair is freshly cut, shoulder-length is the most comfortable for her, at least that's what she always says when they get too long. You like that about her, the way she knows what she wants, when and how. Even more, you don't understand why she would give control to anyone else. 

“Nobody died. Kate’s home?” You say. 

“Yeah, she came back around 4am.” Darcy's answer is followed by a big yawn. All of you can use a break today, and a little bit more sleep. 

‘’Could you please wake Kate up?’’ You say, turning to Maria. 

‘’I’ll get started on pancakes in the meantime.’’

She moves from her spot by the door and hurries to Kate's room. It's not going to be easy, but the longer you are putting off the conversation, the harder it's going to get. 

Preparing breakfast takes you little to no time, everything always goes by fast when you have Darcy on your side. You two work in perfect harmony, managing to cook, set up the table and even squeeze fresh orange juice for all of you. The scent of sweet citrus filled the whole room, bright sunlight falls aggressively through ajar blinds. Crispy air hits you as you move to close the window, trying to get rid of the burned smell of the last failed pancake. You are still going to eat it, you hate wasting food. 

Darcy is on your right, sitting cross-legged on a high chair with a messy bun and an oversized sweater stolen from Carol. She looks peaceful and warm. Maria sits half naked in front of you. She is always really comfortable in her own skin and it shows. Long pyjama pants and a bra are her go to outfits in the morning. It suits her. When Kate comes out of her room, the first thing that you acknowledge is her wet hair, indicating she just had a shower and dark circles under her eyes. She moves smoothly closer to where you all wait for her and as she moves behind you, she stops in her tracks for a second to wrap her arms around your torso from behind. She hides her head in the crook of your neck, and all you can do is put your hand smoothly through her hair, hugging her closer with one arm. 

“I missed you.” She whispers just for you to hear, and you feel tiredness and pain of the past busy weeks in her voice. It fills you with love, care but also anger for not being able to change it for her, or rather respecting the peace she chooses to live her life on. She needs to learn, and you will be here to catch her if she falls. And that's exactly why family meetings are so needed. 

“I missed you too, hun.” Her smile makes you happy and breaks your heart at the same time. You have been in situations when someone was trying to open your eyes, and you were taking out anger and pain on the messenger. Honestly, there is nothing she could do to push you away, but you know some part of her will hate you after this. 

“So what's the family meeting about? It sounds serious, you even took a day off.” 

“Let's just eat for now. We're gonna talk later.” 

****

You wash the dishes after breakfast while girls talk with each other on the couch. They offered to clean, but you needed a second for yourself to muster up the courage to tell her the truth. Giving yourself time is needed, but also creates moments like this. Wet sponge in your right hand, plate in your left, and your phone laying heavy in your pocket with evidence. You feel it digging into your leg through the material, kind of like pushing you to stop procrastinating the inevitable, so you do. 

You sit down on an ottoman that matches the rest of the couch set and as you sigh heavily, all the attention is drawn to you. Nobody’s rushing you to open up, it's one of the many rules of the meetings. They all wait for you, ready to provide comfort at all times. You lock your eyes with Kate’s, and as you almost always keep your posture and face up, your eyes water up a little, but not enough for them to notice. 

“Go on y/n. Lay it on me.” She is the youngest of all of you, but sometimes she is more mature than all of you combined. 

“Valkyrie is cheating on you.” You can see in her eyes that she thinks it's a joke, another dumb idea of yours to separate the two of them because you don't think her girlfriend deserves her, so you continue. 

“I was at the bar, had my shift with Steve, she was there. There was a whole group of people, God, all of them drunk out of their minds. She came to me and told me that you’re not texting her back. She wasn't too nice about it.” You take a deep breath in and grab anything you have close to you to stop yourself from standing up and pacing around the room. The plastic scrunchie provides some stimulation, so you look at her again. 

“At some point, she started kissing some girl that was in that group. I don't even know if they know each other.” Kate just listens, not taking her eyes off of you. You notice her lips quivering a little, but it's so slight that you’ve almost missed it. 

“Shuri was there, she can vouch for this.” 

“Wait, you saw your ex!?” Darcy jumps in but back off as soon as she can catch herself going off-topic, that's not important right now and she knows it. 

“Show me.” Two words you hoped you wouldn't hear. Speaking about it is one thing, but seeing it with her own eyes will be different. As the last resort, you try to play dumb, pretending not to know what she means.

“This is far too important for you not to have the proof. Just show me y/n, I’m a big girl.” So you do. When you hand her the phone, it’s already opened in your gallery. It's the last thing you recorded. The video starts with Shuri drinking her martini and talking to you about something happening at her university. However, as soon as you zoom into the group, she falls silent. 

‘’Oh fuck,’’ The girls can hear Shuri swearing, combined with your heavy breathing through the speaker in your phone. The scene ends with Valkyrie standing up and dragging the girl behind her into the bathroom area and Shuri’s voice saying “y/n don't do it”. 

“What did you do?” Maria asks what everybody is wondering. You answer her question, but all you say is for Kate and only for her. 

“I didn't do anything. I ended my shift and went home.” She believes you, you are always honest with her, always. 

“I wanted to tell you right after, but this is not something to do over the phone. Maybe I should have just found you at your job, I'm sorry but-” She's interrupting your explanation with the softest voice she has.

“It's okay, I know you are more of a face to face person.” The scrunchie is long forgotten on the floor, and Kate's hands are secured strongly in yours. You caress her palm with your thumb, providing as much comfort through the touch as you can, but she leans back on the couch. You expected anger, sadness, a breakdown or denial, but not this. 

“I mean, she was awful either way, right?” Both Darcy and Maria jump in with copious nodding and approval of that statement. 

“I guess it's for the better, at least I have a good reason to end it now.” With that she…. smiles? Something is wrong, something is very wrong. 

For the next 5 minutes your roommates rumble about how awful Val is, how much better Kate will be without her and how happy they are that she feels that way. Kate jumps in from time to time, smiling and telling them how right they are, and that's when you can't take it anymore. You start laughing, and it takes everybody off guard, to be honest it takes you off guard too. You don't explain anything to anybody as you stand up, take your hurt friend by her hand, and announce that you will be back in a couple of hours for dinner. You are much stronger than Kate, so manhandling her a little into her room is easy. 

“Get dressed, put some training clothes on and take your wallet. I'm taking your car keys, and I'm waiting for you in the car park. Don't make me wait too long.”

“Y/n I’m fine! What are you even doing? I don't understand.” You hug her really close, face buried in your chest, her arms hanging loose on her sides not really knowing what to do with them, but even when she’s not reciprocating you don’t let her go. Your left hand goes all the way around her waist, grabbing her side, while the right hand keeps her head close to you. Your touch feels hungry for closeness with her, while you almost shield her whole body with yours. When you let go, you grab her face into your hands, look deeply into her glassy eyes and smile with the most honest love you ever felt to someone. This kind of love is different from anything else you ever had. You imagine that's the way your brother feels when he looks at you. At least he did when you were younger. 

“You’re not Kate. And it's okay.” You kiss her forehead and tell her once again to get ready before you disappear from her room. 

*** 

The ride to the location takes you around 25 minutes. The whole trip, Kate is trying to get you to tell her where you’re going or what this whole thing is about, but you keep your mouth shut, which makes her more irritated by the minute. It's good, you need her to be irritated, you need her to be mad, and soon enough everything will become clear to why. 

You arrive at a big open space with one building that's in poor condition. Vines have taken over its walls, invading cement and binding everything together with nature. It’s a truly beautiful view if you can just stop for a second and try to understand what's in front of you. It's far, it's quiet, and it's your safe space, one of just the few that you have. You get out of the car, still not answering Kate's questions. She makes it harder for herself and as much as you get why she is doing it, you wish she would stop. 

“What's that place? It looks like a squat.” She comments, and she sounds unnecessarily annoyed.

“This is a place where me and Shuri were meeting for most of the time. It's a safe place and a safe space.”

“Safe for what?”

“To be yourself.” 

Your answer takes her a little bit off guard, you can see by the appearing wrinkles on her forehead that she really thinks about what you just said, and hopefully she will find some truth for herself in your words. She follows you into the building, you take out a bundle of keys, which is definitely too big, you don't even remember what half of them are for, you are pretty sure that some of them were found around here, never finding out their purpose, but the one that you need right now is easy to find. The red band on top of it makes it easy to spot. The word ‘’sanctuary’’ is hand-painted onto the key, and it fills you with warmth and gratitude that your last relationship ended up on good terms. You really appreciate having Shuri in your life, her and her family were nothing but good people to you, and you are glad to reciprocate anytime you can. You open a heavy looking lock and enter the building with Kate on your heels. 

Inside it is really dark and scary looking, dust covers the floors, and various types of glass, wood and all kinds of materials can be found on the side of every wall. Used spray paint cans decorate one corner, making the whole place more alive because of their colours. They also create a nice contrast to the surrounding chaos. All cans are securely stacked in a pyramid shape. A skylight lights up the middle of the room in a theatrical way. You love this place to the bone. 

As Kate looks around with a little disgust on her face she tries to appreciate you getting her out of the house, you collect some things from the locker and close it with a metallic clang. 

“Here,” you say into her direction, getting closer to her with two jumpsuits in hand. She looks surprised, but gets the general idea of what you want from her. She is obliging even if she is not fully sure why you are both here, she’s too shaken up to put it all together. Putting on a brave face is one of her greatest strengths and weaknesses, but you know every little piece of her. At least most of them. 

You start undressing while Kate is half ready with her suit on, you were always impressed with her physique. She’s the one who motivated you to go to the gym, taking you with her a couple of times gave you the kick-start that you needed to go on your own, you are grateful for that, not sure that she is aware of it. As you take off your shirt, you don't notice Kate's eyes lingering on your body. You are muscular it's hard not to be after putting so much work in at the gym, her eyes are tracing the tattoos on your body, from your legs up. You’re  turned away from her, so she has a perfect view of your wide back. She isn’t sure why she’s staring, but it seems natural to do so, so she lets herself. As you turn around to face her, you zip up the suit to your waist, looking for a shirt you took with you. You don't want to ruin your nice clothes, that's why you asked Kate to pack something up herself as well. You look at her. She seems to be stuck for a moment, and her face is red.

“Are you okay?” You reach out to her, worried that she might be on the verge of crying because of her breakup, unaware that the reason for her state is completely different. Kate on the other hand is trying to understand what's happening to her. Nobody was ever as sweet to her as you, so protective and caring. Nobody held her like you do, nobody was interested in her in the way you are. In the beginning she was trying to figure out if that's your way of hitting on her, but after she got to know you a little bit she understood that it's just your nature. It didn't change the fact that she always feels special when you act protective over her or caring in any way. Late night texts telling her to get home safe, to remember about lunch, calling her love. Or just simply sitting down together and letting her talk while you listen. Just the way you let her be with you is enough to get some ideas in her head. She has been questioning for a long time now if she is attracted to you, but even if the answer is yes, your relationship has always been platonic, and she is aware of that. 

“Yes, yes I am. Dress up, or you're going to get sick.” She stops the topic before you can ask her more questions, not wanting to fall into a hot mess in front of you. 

After you both get dressed and leave your stuff secured in the locker, just in case, you take Kate's hand and tell her to follow you. Her palm is soft but cold to the touch, instinctively you start to rub her hand with your thumb to warm it up and comfort her a little, sensing her nervousness. She’s still playing with her hands, grabbing onto her jewellery and loose strands of fabric fraying off of the partially torn jumpsuit. Your touch seems to bring her a little bit more back into the present. You can hear her taking a big breath in when you soothe her hand, and it seems like her arms are starting to relax a little. 

You moved further into the building, which leaves you in front of a massive, heavy looking reinforced door. Something straight out of the teen wolf series. As you open them, you are both hit with too much sunlight coming out of the skylights. Your eyes take a second to adjust and get past the sting of it, Kate tries to blink the pain away too. As soon as her vision is clear, she gets what all of this is about, and she doesn't know how to feel about it. 

“Wha…what? Y/n I don't think it's necessary.” She comments as soon as she sees a table covered in lots of different kinds of mugs, plates, dishes, boxes and bottles. It's warmer here than anywhere else in the building, probably because of the sun coming through the windows. She understands now why the doors are so thick. She waits for your answer, but you leave her in silence. You move to the deep right corner of the room and grab two aluminium bats and two helmets secured in the covered box. Your weapon is strictly for looks, you are not going to participate in breaking today, this day is all about Kate and you need to focus on her. 

“Take it.” She shakes her head, refusing to do so. 

“Kate, take it, please.” She does see that you are being really serious about it. It feels heavy in her hands at first, but her muscle memory is trained on such a good level that it takes her just a minute to get used to the handle and balance of the bat. 

“I don't need it. I know you think I'm sad and heartbroken but I'm not, okay?  It's for the best and we both know it yn.” She pleads with you, it all seems really unnecessary for her. 

“Kate..” you come close to her and put  your free hand on her cheek. “ You are heartbroken, you are tired and you are sad, but most of all you are angry. I can see you holding your fist together every time someone mentions your mother.” Exactly the thing she does as soon as the words leave your mouth. “ I know that you feel betrayed by Val, it doesn't matter if you loved her or not. She abused you for so long, just as your mother. Dont hate me for it but I think you chose her for a reason.” She looks at you not believing your words, and takes a step back. Her eyes ask you what you mean by that and you know she felt a sting because of your assumption. You straighten out your posture and keep going, gambling your friendship in the name of her sanity. 

“You have been controlled since your father died.”

“Stop.” Her voice is low but the tone of it is threatening.

“Your mother uses you as her personal project, to be honest I'm not sure if she was ever a real mother to you.” You continue not letting yourself back up no matter what. She needs this.

“I said stop.” Her voice is louder letting emotions take over a little.

“ Were you saying stop when Val hit you? Or when she was pouring alcohol in your system so she could take advantage of you? You didn’t deserve any of this” She is crying at this point and it pains you to see.

“All those times I was picking you up from her apartment seeing a new bruise on you, all those times when you got hell from your mother or from your girlfriend because you had to choose one and there were no other options in your life. This is not love Kate, it never was.” 

“Nobody asked you to take care of me!!” She is screaming now and you decided to match her energy. 

“BUT I DID! I was cleaning the fucking cuts, i was holding the ice bags and i had to watch you being broken everyday! I had to restrain myself of fucking her up everyday because of your feeling towards her!” Kate never knew about this, so that information is shocking, her head unfortunately for both of you took a defensive state so everything you say is taken personal. !!!

“ If that was such a fucking issue for you you could’ve just told me! I would never ask you for help if I knew!’ The bat in her hand is flying around, she always uses her hands while speaking so it's normal, in this situation though it's a little dangerous. 

“It's not about me ! Its about you Kate, about people fucking you over and over again and you allowing them. It's about the fact that you are angry and you don't let yourself go!”

“I'M NOT ANGRY. I'M IN PAIN! AND THEY’VE PUT ME THERE” With that she delivers a first hit to the stack of plates. It's not in the center so plates end up falling from the table while  breaking a couple of them. It's hard to aim when your face is covered in tears. You grab her arm before she can do a second strike stopping her mid flight. She tries to get out of your hold pushing you away with her other arm but you are one step ahead and you let go of your bat to grab both of her hands. You take her into a strong embrace letting her totally break down in tears. She cries, and it sounds like something she loved, someone she loves has died, maybe a part of her. Her voice is broken and you can hear her asking why, while you drop with her to the floor not letting go for even a second. She is still fighting to get out of your arms but you know that she is not fighting with you. You put your hand on her head closing any space left between you and you try to calm her crying a bit.

“I got you Kate… I'm right here with you, I'm not leaving…. ever. You can let go… just let go, I'm holding you.” And she does. She lets go of all the pain she feels at the moment, lots of memories coming back to her in a big feeling of chaos. It is hard for her to focus on one feeling, one problem, one pain so she grabs on to you tighter trying to ground herself in your touch. She starts paying attention to your fingers tracing patterns on her back, on your breathing being slow and deep and she tries to match it the best she can with her own. She focuses on the vibrations she can feel on her head that are coming from you humming her favorite melody. She finds peace in it and after a little while she slowly lets go of you to take a deep breath in and look at your face. You smile at her with the most genuine smile that she ever saw. 

“Why are you so happy?” She is teasing you, you know she is.

“Because I'm proud of you Katie… so proud.” Your voice is low and soft, like the silence after the storm, like the moment when the rain stops falling abruptly after ripping the sky open with its force. 

You help her stand up and that's the exact moment that she sees blood on your face. Her breath hitches while she points at your cheek. You touch the place and realize that while she hit the plates one piece of them got stuck in your skin. You take it out with almost no force and wipe already dried blood off of you. 

“That's why we wear helmets.” You pick up the gear that was left on the floor, and help her put it safely on her head. After doing the same you hand her a bat and let her have an outlet for all of the forgotten feelings hidden inside of her for so long. Sounds are loud, rapid but so satisfying. Pieces of glass are landing on the walls, the floor and your clothing. At first she was shy with her hits, but you can see that she got more comfortable with the whole idea and actually put some work into it. You hold your cold bat in your left hand, it's only a prop, because today it's about Kate…. today is about Kate yn… You tell yourself trying to suppress any emotions you might have with this whole situation. Stacks of beer glasses seem to have your name written all over them. The bat you are holding gets a little bit heavier in your hand when you tighten your fist around it. Your veins become visible because of the pressure and your eyes are focused on the target, never looking away from it but holding yourself back as much as you can. Just when you start to feel yourself going into emotions, all of the glasses break in front of your eyes. A big hit delivered by Kate crashes them into pieces and powder, and with that she says that it's the last one that she needed. It brings you back out of your head and you nod at her, pointing to the door. 

After leaving the room you give some time for Kate to change into her clothes while you are sweeping the floor to make it nice and tidy, mainly safe. You put down all the equipment and as you move into the room with a locker you can hear Kate humming the same melody you were trying to calm her down with. It warms you from the inside, the fact that you understand her and she trusts you enough to show you the most raw parts of herself. While you change Kate decided to look around some other rooms in the building. Some of them are holding more stuff to break, some of them have camping equipment, making her acknowledge that you probably spend some nights here. As you catch up to her you see that she found one of the most important places for you. The biggest room in this whole building has two chairs in the middle of it and 5 plastic boxes on the right side of it. Chairs are facing one wall, a wall covered in graffiti, with big sentences written in the middle of it. You lean on the entrance while Kate is trying to take it all in. 

“What's that? Ver- Verba Vo…” “Verba Volant Scripta Manent. Spoken words fly away, written words remain.” You explain to her, trying to get her to understand what this place is about. “And what's all over that?” “All the reasons why me and Shuri were coming here. Tony Stark, Loki, work, even when I was arguing with you guys.” You laugh a little at the memory. “Even your mom.” You see her go closer to the wall as she eyes your mothers name written on the wall in the most chaotic way she ever saw. She puts her hand on the cold concrete and touches it lightly, collecting some dirt on her fingers by accident. She doesn't seem to care though. She turns with glossy eyes to look at you and a second later you are holding her in your arms. She is not angry anymore, but sad. Tears flow out while you hold her and allow her to feel all the emotions at once. She doesn't have to pretend with you, she never should. She lets you go and look at your face. Her cold hand lands on your cheek as she is trying to take care of you, leaving some of the dirt on your skin. It throws you off guard for a second because you didn't realize you were crying with her. As soon as you do you whip off the tears that escaped and hand her spray can from one of the plastic boxes.

“Write Katie, everything that's on your shoulders, write it out of you. It will stay here, and you will move on without it.” “Verba Volant Scripta Manent.” She repeats your mantra butchering latin pronunciation, making you laugh. 

“Exactly.” You give her a nod and encourage her to start letting go of all the things that are in her heart. She is a little shy at first but gets a hold of it really quickly. She writes dates, names, words like work, comfort, cheating, fear. With each word she seems to be lighter and you enjoy the view. Carefully she writes everything down avoiding your drawing, your motto, which you really appreciate. As she finishes her work she takes a couple of steps back and enjoys the art of it. You join her, kiss the top of her head and take out of the box the last can, red one to put one last statement. She watches you really carefully as you go to her part of the wall and above everything she has written, you spray a big red word, saying “Rebirth”. As you turn around, a little bit dirty and tired, you feel happiness filling you in as she is smiling at you, in a way you haven't seen in a long time. 

After closing up everything and making sure that the whole place is secured and tidy you make your way to the car. Kate is surprised to see an emotional hangover setup at the back of her car. Bottle of water, her favorite snack and tissues waiting for her, set down with love and care. It always amazes her how you can think in the future. There were countless situations in both your lifes when something unusual, tragic or just really out of nowhere came up and you are always ready for it. At least you seem to be. You are not talking much to each other while going back, no words needed between both of you. Kate can sense that it took a hold on you too so she provides comfort by playing with your hair on the back of your neck while you drive. 

“I texted her.” Kates breaks the silence for a second, her voice barely above whisper. 

“What did you say?” 

“I broke up with her, I officially ended it, and I blocked her.” You put your hand on hers, letting her know you are right next to her. She expected you to be happy but you were always better for her then she anticipated.

“And how do you feel about it?” You ask tenderly. 

“It hurts… I know she wasn't good, she never was, but she meant a lot and it… it just hurts.” You nod your head waiting for her to continue, giving all the space she might need. 

“ But it's going to heal, and as much as it pains me I also feel lighter. I need it. Thank you yn, for everything.” She interviews her fingers with yours and allows silence to take over, leaving you both in each other's comfort. 

Next chapter

───⋆☆────────────────⋆☆────────────────⋆☆─── tag list : @autorasexy @lizziejolsen @natashaswife4125 @sayah13 @romanoffskisser @lijo-8 @jjiiuuisssagcebrcw @natashaswife4125 @dumbassbitchwithnotits @teenybean, @marvelwomen-simp, @ripofflizzie

[polyquestria]

Hey everyone, long time no ponies

so yeah, it's been a minute, huh? Just had the thought of looking up how many minutes are in four years, but we don't want to deal with that many numbers, right?

A lot has happened since Feb of 2020. Not just in the world, but for myself personally. When y'all last saw me, I was still half in the closet, severely underweight and feeling all round shitty. However, in my hiatus, I've really been working on myself. I started HRT in May that year and have proudly been on it for close to four years now! Not only that, but in June last year, I had top surgery that went very well and I couldn't be happier with the results and the support I've received from my irl community. I adopted a cat, I got my drivers license, been seeing a dietitian to help improve my eating habits, upped my anxiety meds, started taking meds for my ADHD and all that work has been paying great dividends in my mental health. Which leads me to what I'm about to say.

Polyquestria is back!

At least for now. With Ponydoodles, the other mlp request blog I'm apart of, really picking up again, it's inspired me to dust off this old blog and revamp it. Which means it now has new features. The main one being this: I am now open to more than just romantic/queerplatonic pairings! What does that mean, you ask? Well, you can now request two or more characters with any dynamic. Some examples are: Platonic (Friendships that can be canon or ones that you think would be fun!), Familial (Again, canon or your own headcanon (Adding on that the type of family doesn't matter either; biological, adoptive, foster, found, whatever!)), Mentor/Student, maybe even characters you think would be rivals! Just make sure it all falls in line with the new and updated rules, the link to which can be found in the description that I implore you to read before requesting.

I'll also be posting my own ship art, pairings that I think could work, friendships that would be really fun and familial headcanons that would just be really neat, in my own opinion! I'll try not to lean too heavily into either requests or my own jargon; we're just vibing here

Going back to the rule link, underneath it on my blog, you will find a link to my new mod page, featuring my new mod name: Mod Major Mitchell. It will also be featuring my new sona, a kirin/griffon hybrid named Chook. Go check it out to learn a little more about me and also gain access to my linktr.ee, the hub for everything me online.

Alright, I think that's about it for now. Feel free to ask any more questions in my askbox and, hey, maybe while you're there, leave a request or two.

[chiimeramanticore]

im here again hello... if you want to answer something personal. what do you think changed your life the most in the past year. like in any aspect of ur life. like emotionally, sexually, physically. idc what it is I'm just curious

the rae video essay hands down. things have almost entirely gone back to how they were before I released it but there were like several months afterward where it felt like I'd become some sorta celebrity both in good and bad ways lol . people would like, approach me in even unrelated (online) spaces to tell me they saw my video and liked it and it was surreal tbh. ppl don't do that anymore but I still get the sense I'm like, Someone People Know now if that makes sense? at least in this fandom ofc. Aaron is apparently still shit talking me in his videos (I don't watch them I've just been told this) so that's gotta count for smth lmao

but in terms of like, my personal views on myself making the video also made me realize this is like, what I want to do with my life. the difficult part is that this style of video takes a long time to make and I still have unmedicated adhd which is why the rae video took 9 months lol. I still feel like I missed an opportunity by not posting something new sooner, but atp nowhere to go but forward right? it's got me a little more motivated to pursue a big boy diagnosis and get on meds, and while I'm not working every day I am still working on new videos and they make me happy to work on! so that's also gotta count for something lol

[demented-tours]

ADHD/Autism/Neuro-spicy/Exec Function Issues/Burnout Life Hack

So listen, as the owner and sometime operator of a brain with medium to hot neurospicy wiring, I occasionally struggle with... well. Everything. But particularly making myself do Small Tasks That Require One More Spoon Than I Ever Have Thanks To Having to Exist in this Dumpster Fire World AND Never Being Taught Anything Useful About Myself Much Less How to ACTUALLY Recharge or Regulate My Nervous System Which Only Has an "Actively Being Mauled By a Bear" Setting. (TM)

It's been a long few decades.

Anyway, as such, I have tried so many little ways to motivate myself, and some of them are decent, but I also have days where just... nothing seems to work.

Except this one thing. Now, it's only working NOW, but it seems to be working semi consistently, so I'm hopeful. Ish. As hopeful as I get anyway.

And it's low cost, requires no bullshit medical professionals or meds and it appeals to my competitive spirit and inner gamer nerd.

I figured I'd share here, though it's likely a terribly unoriginal idea, but hell, sometimes it's just reframing crap that you knew to be true once but forgot about it in the current depression-inspired stew.

We're gonna call this one Warmie Magic.

Step 1: Acquire/make a warmie. Those are the things you heat up and apply to body parts for relaxation/pain relief. They come in all shapes, sizes, stuffed animals forms. Let your sensory needs go wild. I like THIS ONE because it can be used on hot or cold settings and it comes unscented. It's also made for neck/shoulders, which basically always hurt. But they make them cheaper and in whatever shape you like. It just matters that you can heat it up in the microwave.

Step 2: Figure out your temperature setting timing for your warmie. For me, that warmie thing takes 4 minutes in my microwave to acquire that perfect near-scalding-yet-still-soothing temperature. Bonus if it's over 2 minutes of time, but really, whatever works, here.

Step 3: Fixate on some mundane, small task that you Need To Do: dishes. Laundry. List making. Toilet cleaning. Whatever. Put the warmie in the microwave, set the timer... Then get ready... get set... PUSHBUTTONANDGO! Try not to let your lack of body sense knock you into too many objects on your trajectory to the Task at Hand.

Step 4: Do the tasks for the duration of the short timer. You would be AMAZED at what you can do in 4 freakin minutes. Single load of laundry in machine. Or most of one load folded. Or at least a few pans washed. One toilet insides scrubbed. Dishwasher loaded/unloaded. Whatever--do it until the timer goes off.

Step 5: Stop the task, retrieve the warmie, and enjoy the sensory snuggle reward. Fuck about for a while.

Step 6: When the warmie is less warm, get up and repeat the process. OPTIONAL: Set another timer without the warmie and do it again while enjoying the sensory snuggle reward.

What I like about this is that I can trick my brain shit with the, "Well, hell, it's JUST four minutes" line. Or the, "We have to wait for the damn thing to warm up anyway, and it'll take fucking forever if we just stand here." Usually some combo, there, works. And it gives you a positive reinforcement reward that the body feels that isn't food oriented or what have you.

Obviously, your mileage will vary. All neurospicy settings are unique. I'm just going to enjoy this method while it manages to be effective. This is how I've made myself do my stretching routine, laundry, and dishes for the past few weeks, so...

This could also work for all sorts of things in all sorts of applications. I also used to write like this, sometimes. I'd set a timer for 30 minutes and just GO. Whatever happened in 30 minutes was golden. Six words or six thousand.

I've also done something like this with a snack pack of fruit snacks and I get one per tiny item completed because, yeah, my brain sometimes operates with a psychotic toddler's reward system setting. But it got the damn Wal Mart delivery unpacked.

Oh, and one last thing that's helped me... Do your breathing exercises to slow yea olde burnt out nervous system right after you pee. I can do a solid round of box breathing (5 seconds breathe in, 5 seconds hold, 5 seconds out, 5 seconds pause, rinse and repeat) while washing my hands. And sooner or later you have to pee so might as well use that as a functional reminder. Not that I remember to do this more than one time out of seventy, but in THEORY, it'd be great.

And now let's get back to our usual soft-porn-funny-shit-pretty-shinies programming around here.

<3Dee

[supervillainny]

Now I have a diagnosis I feel more confident in making this kind of post. For the record, I have combined type ADHD, I have been diagnosed as an adult, and I have a messy heap of issues and hang-ups and coping strategies propping me up.

In the past two years, though, I’ve been fiercely pursuing a diagnosis, learning everything I can, and watching a load of HowToADHD on YouTube, so here are a few of the ways I’ve made my living environment a little more ADHD friendly.

Note: I share a house, but it belongs to my housemate, and I don’t really have much control over space outside my bedroom so this is limited. 😁

A wall planner! The highlighted bits are the holidays I’ve booked in so far, and stars are birthdays so I can see them coming a MILE away and at some point I might just remember to buy a present. Not pictured: the see through tub under my desk full of Just In Case presents, and the drawer in my chest of drawers full of Just In Case cards. I’m aware of my failings. 😁

A visible clock! Crucially, a visible SILENT clock. I am quite sensitive to sound that I can’t control, and ticking clocks make me slowly ratchet tighter and tighter until I explode. I don’t use this as my main timepiece, that’s obviously my phone, but it’s a good reassurance if my phone is already in my bag and ready to go. I’m horrendous at timekeeping, and as a result I arrive everywhere up to an hour early Just In Case.

A repurposed pencil case for my crochet hooks, scissors and pin cushion, and my pill box! Currently I’m taking antidepressants but I think a lot of it is ADHD self-flagellation, so at some time when the NHS get back to me I’m going to give ADHD meds a try. Either way, the box is essential to keep me on track. (Not just remembering to take them, but remembering if I’ve had today’s dose.) the crochet case is so I don’t lose everything AGAIN. We won’t mention how long it took me to find the pin cushion for this photo. 😅

Lmao this is an excellent photo. For the record - I am not great at remembering that I have things or where they are, so I have sticky labels on my drawers to help me stay organised and use the things I own. I don’t keep clothes in my drawers because I’d spend hours searching them and then leaving clean clothes all over the floor; my drawers are (from the top) toiletries and meds, yarn and embroidery thread (not all of it unfortunately), cards and address book and present wrapping supplies and stamps, and random craft things.

Pinboard of earrings and jewellery! Everything is visible, everything is easily found. I also have two dishes on my chest of drawers to hold stuff I’ve just removed (in like the last… three weeks…) but eventually it’ll all be paired and sorted and not lost or tangled.

Huge wardrobe without doors! I need to see stuff or I lose it. Sometimes I still lose it, even when I see it everyday, but at least I have a vague idea of where it’s likely to be.

Don’t get me wrong, my living space is still a mess, I still regularly lose things and I still have to cease all activity about an hour before an event out of paranoia that I’ll miss it, but at least I’ve got some stuff that helps. 😁

[losing10kgs]

30 Day Thinspo Challenge All In One Because I’m Bored And Trying To Prevent Cravings

1. 175cm tall, 54kg, BMI is 17.8

2. 5’9. I like this height, but I wish I were a little taller.

3. Kate Moss. Any explanation needed?

4. What everyone will say. And how much it will fuck up my metabolism permanently.

5. I have been stuck like this for YEARS, I want to be skinny so bad. And yes, I am doing it for me

6. No, not really. If I ever get really bad cravings, I just chew a heap of food up and spit it out (disgusting, I know, it’s so bad 😭)

7. Yes. I think mum suspects something’s wrong, but dad doesn’t care. Or if he does, he hasn’t mentioned it.

8. 2 minute side plank, 25 left lifts per leg, 50 side-lying left lifts per leg, 25 hip thrusts, 25 Russian twists with a weight, 50 butt-kicks and mb 20 or so squats if I’m up to it. I’m not very fit, I mostly just do walking.

9. I’ve had someone point out after a lost a bit that I was doing it for attention, though that didn’t actually make me feel all that bad.

10. Pizza. And crisps. And chips.

11. Don’t think I have one, tbh. I just scroll on Pinterest or twitter until I come by one I like the look of.

12. A lot of apples, and eggs. Lots of safe-foods, too, which I think definitely sets me back a bit.

13. Very unhealthily I’d say.

14. At LEAST 48 kg. Just until I don’t have to see a psychologist for ADHD meds, because she has to weigh me and if my weight gets too low, she’ll tell my mum.

15. No. I don’t eat a lot of meat in general, but I haven’t cut it out. I rlly like a good few other animal products, so I don’t think I’d ever get away with a vegan label.

16. About three or nearly four years ago

17. I’m guessing so.

18. Chocolate or garlic bread.

19. I actually am not sure. I didn’t eat much of it beforehand either.

20. Again, don’t really have one. I’m starting the ABC diet, though, so I’ll see how that goes.

21. I only really wearing baggy clothes bc I’m quite trans, but as far as I know: a medium in shirts and a UK 28 in pants. Idk

22. I’m at my lowest weight currently.

23. To The Bone didn’t help.

24. I’m not either of them, so not very highly.

25. I tried so hard to, but I don’t think I have a very active gag reflex because it never really worked.

26. I will look fanTASTIC! Honestly, though, it’d probably worry a few people, but that’s the plan.

27. Depends on whether or not I’m with friends. If I see my friends eating, then I’ll want to eat, but if they’re lot with me, I’ll either try to ignore it or (again) chew it then spit it out.

28. Yeah, why not.

29. Don’t have one. I actually think all sizes are lovely, just not on me, but everyone says that so what does it matter.

30. 10 facts:

1) I was born a girl but I don’t think I am one, which is mostly the reason why I’m doing this.

2) My ribs poke out quite clearly but I’m fairly sure that’s because I’ve got a wide ribcage 😭.

3) Skins is one of my favourite TV shows.

4) My safe-foods are garlic bread, chocolate, carbonara, peanut butter, and Nutella - once again, it’s so bad.

5) This is probably the deepest I’ve ever been in an ED, and I’ve been doing this for years now, so it’s getting serious.

6) I take ADHD medication that reduces my appetite, and I’ve only recently started them, which I’m guessing it why my weight has been dropping more than usual. HOORAY

Can’t think of any more facts, I’m not that deep.

[firespirited]

Finally got to the Doctor, turns out she's been dealing with a family emergency all December (no she's not a trauma dumper, I'm the type who asks... and listens for 40 minutes because, well, clearly she hasn't been asked by many and needed to vent about bureaucracy and paperwork and difficult family members)

So that explains why she's been technically Not on holiday but also Not available.

Gonna do stool sample number three!!! *sarcastic confetti and noisemakers* with very careful wording and hope the lab don't mess up again along with a blood test for another potential GI tract hijacker.

If that falls through, we have to find out why malabsorbtion is happening with tubes that go down and up my tubes à moi. Probably 'up' given the severe daily pains in the lower intestines.

I'm terrified of intestinal cramping during a colonoscopy causing a tear in the guts and being one of the fatal 1% but have a plan to inform everyone and sharpie warnings on my arms if it ever comes to that exam. Yes, that's getting way ahead of ourselves: Adhd brain and medical trauma means I had 5-10 brain tabs open on next step risks and pitfalls within a second of her saying the word specialist.

I forgot to inform her that I've been eating leafy greens, iron supplements and cheap chicken bits to fight the anemia so if it's not as bad as expected it's because I'm horfing down whatever iron I can get ... my bp was below nine during the appointment, could barely stay on track.

Guess I'll shoot her an email after my blood test. Might need to confirm if she expected me to auto up my bp meds without asking permission (I've been living in, like, zombie mode because that hadn't occurred to me)

So she's back, we have another option to explore, she might medicate the symptoms of malabsorbtion if it looks ugly on the tests. Progress? I think? Hope at least.

Getting 'we didn't test for candida' on the second, now more clearly marked, candida test on the 26th of December was a massive blow as I'd stupidly staked so much hope on that test. 'We will neither confirm nor deny we did a candida test because we're being pedantic about precise precriptions' over the phone a few days later wasn't reassuring either. And my dr had been on call but not replying to phone or email since early dec which was concerning.

______________

For your edutainment: here's how to do a stool sample.

If the pot is nice and big like it could contain two glasses of orange juice, you're in luck you can probably go right in it. Most are smaller single OJ if not single yoghurt plastic pots.

So first, pee. Very important step, you may pee later but at least it's less mess. Get some cling film (saran wrap) and carry a cut sheet to the loo (rather than bringing a kitchen item into your toilet room) , drape it over the back 3/4 of your toilet under the seat so there's a little poo catcher nook and make sure its well attached on both sides.

Do your poo, stuff toilet paper between your cheeks, open the pot. Get up, turn around, use the poo pot to gather a sample, close pot with loo paper. Pull down cling film at an angle and wash cling film in flush water, place it in a doggie poop bag to go in the trash.

Wipe bottom, flush again.

Wash outside of stool pot carefully, wash your hands carefully. Put stool pot in an opaque marked bag in the fridge far from food, more towards closed sauces until someone with a car can drop it off. Copro Culture takes 3 days, if you have internet access to results you could have them then.

Very important to remember : unless you have a blessèd routine involving a morning coffee and precise timing. This could take several attempts and several cling film sheets. Do not get up too fast to grab that pot if you have POTS or feel in any way drained - I promise it can wait, nearly passing out face first over a toilet with a film poop ledge is not great. Still better than most people's uninformed attempt at collecting a normal sized poo in the undersized pot!

In the same way, pee samples are 'pass under the stream briefly' not sample the whole pee. Entire pee samples come with a bottle sized pot: ask for two, we hydrate better than previous generations.

[yukidragon]

Do you have any advice on getting motivated to write? I love writing, but lately its been really difficult to do so without my adhd meds

I find that it's a lot like building up your muscles with exercise. It's hardest at the start. Everything feels like it's not working and it's painful. You get frustrated and want to stop easily. However, the more you do it, the easier it gets. You even get to a point where it gives you a high when you can manage to just relish the process.

Also like a muscle, if you stop writing for a long period of time, it's harder to resume again. It can feel frustrating that you're not back at peak form where you were before, but if you keep going at it, you'll get back there quicker than you got there the first time.

From my teenage years all the way deep into my twenties, I gave myself a writing quota. Every single day, I was to write at least one paragraph of something. It didn't have to even be good, and I certainly didn't have to show it to anyone. It could've been just as silly as this example I'll give here:

...

Alice suddenly grabbed onto Jack's chest and groped his tits. This was just a dream after all, so why not indulge herself? She didn't realize that a lack of sleep from overwork, the brandy cake her friends shared with her, and her new prescription medication was not a winning combination, but Jack certainly wasn't about to complain!

...

Utterly silly and self-indulgent, am I right? But that's what you've got to do in order to build up your writing muscles, so to speak. You need to make it rewarding for yourself. Don't stress about what people think and just have fun. You don't have to share everything you write after all.

Think of these sorts of exercises as narrative doodles. Don't fret about how good or not they are. They're only meant to reward you for practicing your writing. If they turn out to be something you want to later clean up and share, well, that's a lovely bonus isn't it?

Needless to say, if a silly little paragraph for fun like this blossoms into a full blown story, all the better. The best way to build yourself up is to make it rewarding. The less pressure you put on yourself, the more you can really flourish.

I don't do quotas anymore, but I found just encouraging myself to write more, even something silly and for my own personal enjoyment and no one else's, really took the pressure off me. It helped me want to write more.

I hope any of this advice helps! Good luck on getting motivated to write more. I'm cheering for you!

[seeminglyseph]

Okay.

What am I gonna do today. I feel sore but better than I have in a little bit.

I know I’m gonna hit my PMS cycle soon which is gonna make me feel sick and unstable. I’m trying to combat the way increasing my vyvanse dose is affecting my appetite by drinking more ensure, and remembering to take more CBD oil to improve my joint pain.

And I’m taking store brand robax. Need to schedule rheumatologist still. Augh. So many doctors.

I think a steamy shower will help the sinus situation some, vacuum my room again? Change bedding, that sort of thing… I’ve got a window open and an air purifier going since the air quality outside is good today. I should try and make sure to hydrate.

Is there a good quality vitamin and hydration supplement mix that doesn’t have artificial sweeteners that I can get in Canada that isn’t a scam? I really need to up my hydration and vitamin intake. Probably D and C at least, but not to a degree that cancels out my ADHD meds? Ugh. And I’m probably definitely dehydrated… winter dries everything out like a brittle dead leaf.

[amyintherapy]

ADHD & Me

I was diagnosed with ADHD in 8th grade after a teacher realized I was depressed and had the school counselor talk to me, and the school counselor feeling like I needed to be seeing a therapist rather than just talking to him at school. It was basically the depression at that time that they had picked up on, but it eventually resulted in me getting evaluated by a psychiatrist and ADHD was among the things I was diagnosed with.

I was pretty seriously depressed, cutting myself, I was diagnosed with PTSD, and had bad anxiety although I didn't really recognize it as anxiety at the time. It's almost like the depression numbed out the anxiety.

Anyway. My psychiatrist and therapist seemed to focus a lot more on my mental health issues than the ADHD. That makes sense to me, my mental health was in a really ugly place and really needed to be a top priority.

But, I really wasn't taught much of anything about my ADHD. Despite only being 13 at the time, I thought I knew what ADHD was...I knew multiple people who were diagnosed with ADHD. I knew what traits they associated with their ADHD and saw the similarities in those kids. They often seemed hyper, they were disruptive in class, they were always "on the go", they were often loud. I didn't share most of those similarities, so I didn't think ADHD was me.

In 4th grade, I was assigned a seat up against the whiteboard next to a kid who had ADHD. Just my desk and his, while all the other kids' desks were in pods of 4 and were several feet back from the whiteboard. That kid had to be separated from most other students to avoid being distracted by them or distracting them, yet it wasn't seen as acceptable to make him be alone...so the teacher picked a kid who would be the least likely to distract him, I guess. And that was me. So...how could I be ADHD, I thought. Also, I was put on ADHD meds that seemed to make my anxiety a lot worse, but my psychiatrist wasn't good at listening to me about my own experience - so she thought I should stay on them. I just quit taking them as they were clearly hurting more than they were helping. I tried again several years later, but again found myself feeling extra anxious while on them, and the therapist I saw at that time (for all of like...3 visits) said that people with anxiety often can't be on ADHD meds, so if I felt anxiety was the bigger issue, I just shouldn't be on ADHD meds. So, I thought my options were no ADHD meds, or anxiety and I quit trying ADHD meds for years. Ps - that guy was wrong, lots of people have ADHD and anxiety and can find meds that don't make their anxiety worse.

As I got a little older I read about how anxiety and/or depression can make it harder to stay focused. I thought maybe I was just misdiagnosed as having ADHD because of my mental health issues impacting my focus? People had called me 'spacey' and 'air headed' a lot although I had never really felt that way myself. I always felt like when people said "hellooo..." or similar to get my attention that they were implying that I was not thinking of anything. And I was always focused on something, I wasn't sitting there with nothing on my mind. It just wasn't focused on them. My mom had also said that she thought ADD made more sense for me. And I was diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type, which *is* essentially what ADD used to be, and I knew that. But I thought ADD meant that you just sit around thinking of nothing. And I knew people perceived me as being 'air headed' in that way. But I knew I wasn't. So that didn't add up to me.

So...from 13 to 30, I really wasn't sure if I thought I had ADHD or not. I had started getting ADHD tiktoks which I could relate to a little more, and that made me think maybe the diagnosis was correct, but I still felt really uncertain.

A little over a year ago, I restarted therapy for the first time since I was 17 or so. At the intake appointment, I was asked if I had ever been diagnosed with anything, and if so what. So I shared with her my previous diagnosis' and she asked me if I felt these diagnosis' were still accurate for me. I told her that I didn't think I had depression anymore, and that I was always unsure about ADHD.

I never really intended to learn about ADHD via therapy, but my therapist is well versed in ADHD and occasionally suggested that some of what I was talking about was ADHD related. Things I had never heard of being associated with ADHD before. Things like...

Being unable to tell stories that go from start to finish in a simple chronological order verbally. I can sort of do this in writing thanks to editing, but it's not very instinctual for me. I am a "webbed thinker" and "bottom up thinker" rather than a linear thinker. I'm all about side tangents and extra details. I see patterns or connections in things that don't always make sense to other people. I get 'off track' all the time. My siblings used to say things to me like "Get to the pointttttt" but I couldn't just take that short-cut. I only knew the long way around when talking out loud.

Struggling to find the word I'm wanting to use.

Memory issues. I was the kid who would do their homework but forget to turn it in. Or I'd turn it in, but I'd forget to put my name on it. If an adult told me 3 things they wanted me to do, I'd do 1 or 2 and totally forget the rest. I was the kid who always left their snowpants or hat/gloves at school. I was labeled as irresponsible and careless, but I was desperate to please the adults in my life as a kid. I knew adults thought I wasn't trying hard enough, but I thought I was trying really hard. It was just confusing, I never had an explanation for that discrepancy.

Losing my train of thought mid-story or sentence.

Regularly screwing up dinner because I am trying to flip the grilled cheese or stir the dish or whatever, at a set pace, and I regularly lose track of time because I get invested in a conversation, go to text someone back, nearly any little thing that grabs my attention for "just a second" can suddenly make me lose track of time. And I don't mean that I get so invested in the new thing I start doing that I forget I was cooking until I smell it burning. Although, that happens too. More often, it's that I feel so sure it's only been about 2 minutes since I last stirred the pot, so i'm shocked that everything is stuck to the bottom now. How/why did it suddenly start cooking so fast? It's almost as if someone cranked the heat on the burner up, except that didn't happen. This kinda thing genuinely felt like a mystery to me. How/why did it suddenly cook so fast? Until I realized this is time blindness. When I get interested in something, I lose my sense of time. So while I would have bet $100 it's only been 2 minutes since I last stirred this pot, it's probably been 10.

Hyperfocus. Despite the name, ADHD isn't always a deficit of attention, it's more of an attention/focus regulating disorder. That might mean we can't stay focused on the thing we want to focus on, but it can also mean that we get SO focused that we struggle to switch to something new. *this* is the core reason why people call me spacey or air-headed. They come in and start talking to me, and I say 'huh?" and they think this means I am an air head. In reality, I Was so focused on what I Was doing or thinking that I couldn't process what they said until I gave myself time to switch my focus on to what they were saying. Lots of people experience this when invested in a dramatic scene in a movie or video game. I do this constantly. I'm sending a friend a text, doing the dishes and thinking about what to make for dinner, I'm playing with my cat - ti doesn't really matter. It doesn't have to be something exciting for me to be deeply locked into my own thoughts and need time to switch my focus.

Sensory issues including auditory processing issues. I remember having wet sleeves on my shirts in elementary school because I'd bite/suck on them so much. Or when I didn't have long sleeves, I'd suck on my hair. Shockingly, I wasn't bullied for this somehow. As I got a little older I became a pencil/pen cap chewer until a kid expressed disgust at it. I've always repositioned myself in my chairs a lot. I'm a picky eater and a lot of that is sensory related. I have auditory processing issues. While not directly ADHD, lots of people with ADHD have sensory processing disorder, and auditory processing disorder specifically.

My over-reaction to feeling judged has various causes, but part of it is rejection sensitive dysphoria, a common element of ADHD. I had read about rejection sensitivity before, but I thought it meant being actually rejected as in...shunned? My therapist explained that 'rejection' doesn't have to be nearly that extreme, that feeling judged is a mild form of feeling rejected, so having a big reaction to feeling - or even anticipating, being judged causing a really big emotional response can be rejection sensitive dysphoria.

Hyperfixations. Somehow, I totally didn't realize that most other people don't discover some new 'thing' and then feel like that thing is nearly all they want to do, think about or talk about for weeks. I guess I just thought it was normal to get really exciting about discovering something new that you liked. And I think it is...but I didn't realize that the degree to which I get fixated on a new interest is not the norm.

Clumsiness. I've always been clumsy, regularly running into things, dropping things, etc. I had no idea this was a sensory thing, which his why I'm not including it under the sensory bulletpoint even though this is a sensory thing. Proprioception is our sense that lets us know where our body is in space. If you struggle with processing propriception, it's common to be clumsy.

I no longer doubt my ADHD diagnosis at all. I'm so grateful that I found a therapist who understands ADHD well enough to help me to understand what it has looked like in me, even if it's different from how it looks for some others. There's some sadness with it as well, but overall, it's been such a relief to finally have a deeper understanding of some of my struggles. It's easier to empathize with myself for some of my struggles when I understand their causes. It's also helped me to get more help. I'm on meds that help a fair amount and don't make my anxiety worse, and just recognizing that I definitely do have ADHD has made it easier for me to accept accommodations, even ones that I make for myself.

For example, I have finally accepted that my memory is poor, and I struggle with time blindness. After I accepted that fully, I was able to start using 'tricks' like setting timers to remind me to stir the skillet meal I'm making every 2 minutes, so I can't lose track of time. Fully recognizing that my memory really does stink and it's not something I "should" be able to just force myself to somehow magically get better at, I use more to-do lists, use google notifications to email me about upcoming events, set alarms for more things, etc.

I know it's still a thing for parents to hesitate to get their kids diagnosed as they fear that a diagnosis will give them an 'excuse' to not try as hard. I've found the opposite to be true. I mean, I already had the diagnosis - but really having it confirmed? It hasn't given me a reason to not try as hard as I always have. Instead, it's given me "permission" to feel like it's really okay to utilize tools that will help me.

I don't mean to suggest that I needed a confirmed diagnosis to use the tools that help me. I absolutely should have always felt like I could do whatever I needed to do to be successful, diagnosis or not. But the reality is that until I really understood and accepted my ADHD diagnosis, I expected myself to be capable of functioning like a non-ADHD person, without these extra tricks or tools to help me. But I couldn't just force my memory to get better, for example. "trying harder" to remember wasn't a solution for me, but it's what I kept trying for years because I thought that's what 'should' work. Once I realized that wasn't the case, I was able to look for other tools or resources to assist me with remembering. Even with extra tools, my memory is still inferior to that of many others. I am not trying to function exactly like a neurotypical person would as I know that isn't realistic for me. But I'm able to find some ways to improve my functioning as much as I reasonably can.

Once you understand what your barriers are, they're easier to try to work around. I don't know why it's so common to think that not telling your kid they have a barrier - not telling them they have a diagnosis or symptoms of a condition, is so comonly believed to help them overcome the barrier. It doesn't make the barrier go away if you don't tell your kid it's there. It just makes them confused about why they keep running into a barrier that nobody else seems to believe is there.

Since I gained an understanding of my ADHD, I see the barrier, so I can try to build steps to help me climb over it now. In the past, I was just trying to believe the barrier wasn't there so I kept running into it head-on.

[bumblebeerror]

I’m thinking tonight about how I ate food as a kid.

When I was three, my three front teeth rotted out and I had to have them removed. This wasn’t really my fault, it was more the fault of my genetics and my house’s water not having fluoride in it.

I ate everything from age three until age like, 12, almost a decade, without my top front incisors. (The flat square teeth at the front of your mouth)

To give you an idea of how much harder it is to eat like that, you use your incisors to eat everything, and especially when you’re trying to separate a piece from a whole. I had trouble with everything from apples to sandwiches, cooked meat and raw carrots, and everything else you can think of.

I solved this problem pretty well for a small child! I simply turned my head a little and used my one remaining top front tooth, my canines, and my bottom incisors instead. This meant that I ate apples and corn on the cob and pulled bites from deli sandwiches and ripped tough meat all on the side of my mouth, instead of doing that cutting and chewing where it was supposed to be done. It was messy, it meant I got any juice or condiment or whatever all over my cheek, in my hair, on my clothes. I was scolded and teased for being sloppy when I ate a lot.

Too often, now that I think about it. I had to teach myself how to eat food again. I had to figure out all by myself at the age of 3 how I was going to manage to eat without those very necessary teeth. I wasn’t given a denture or anything like that for my little mouth. For 9 years I had a massive gap in my front teeth, big enough that you could see inside my mouth when I smiled with my teeth together.

Mind you, I also had to go to school and eat in the cafeteria like this. Oh, and because I was ADHD and trialing drugs for that at around age 6, I had the lovely combo of the office calling me down every lunch and telling anyone who asked it was so I could take meds, and being unable to eat neatly. Mm. I don’t like to be watched when I eat now, y’know? Even if stuff doesn’t fall outta my teeth anymore.

At first, I had to have apples started for me - my dad would take the first bite and then I could use that leverage for the rest, setting my empty gums on the apple’s skin and using my bottom incisors to chip away chunks of fruit. A few years later I’d mastered how to eat an apple my way so well that I regularly crunched through one in about two minutes flat using my molars instead. (I still do eat fruits this way most of the time.)

At first, my parents cut the corn off the cob for me. Soon enough, it being one of my favorite foods, I figured out how to eat it off the cob with the side of my mouth. I’d drop a lot of it on myself, the gap in my teeth would drop corn onto the table and in my lap and on the floor.

I had to relearn how to eat every food I already knew how to.

And you know what? I have to hand it to little me. I didn’t fucking whine about this even fucking once, that I’m aware of. I fucking should have, especially about getting made fun of for it, especially because it wasn’t comfortable most of the time. Especially because I was already having sensory issues. I feel like little me is owed at least five major meltdowns for doing all that.

[beholdthemem]

Something so frustrating about the meds shortage is that even when I can get my meds, I feel guilty about taking them. Like, I have to go through a whole ass song and dance to myself about whether or not I can justify taking one on a given day- ‘Do we have enough we need to do to make using one worth it? We can’t take these every day, are we sure there’s not another day in the week where we would’ve needed them more? Are we sure we’re actually going to work enough to ensure we wouldn’t be wasting this?’

Like- I need them. The difference between when I do and do not have access to my ADHD meds is huge. Originally I told myself ‘Well, we got through high school without them, maybe we’ll be okay again’, but the difference there is like- I wasn’t GOOD at high school. I just barely scraped by, and that was fine, because I wasn’t delusional enough to imagine I had a big fancy future ahead of me. High school was an unfortunate obstacle, but it wasn’t actually important. I just had get through it each day and go home to problem solve my family’s actual problems.

But I’m not IN high school anymore, and the responsibilities I have actually DO matter now. ‘Good enough’ isn’t good enough. I’m the only one who’s had a solid job in the last ten years, and now that the job is ending, I need to be able to get hired somewhere else. I need people to be able to trust me enough that they’ll take a chance on hiring me, and when I’m unmedicated for long periods of time... shit, I wouldn’t hire me. It’s not that I don’t try, it’s not that I don’t want to do well, it’s just that weird shit happens. The dishwasher gets run without soap three times in a row before I remember to do it properly. I get lost trying to take the bus home from downtown and end up wandering around the city for hours before finally getting back with the worst sunburn imaginable. Just going through day to day life is a gamble, because I don’t know if it’s going to be a good day or a bad one, and the bad ones are really, really bad.

There’s huge gaps in between when I can get my prescriptions refilled. I have to stretch them out. I have to calculate which days will cause the least damage if I fuck up, and which days I need to be at my best. And on the days when I take them, I can’t help worrying that if (Please God IF) somebody finally hires me- what do I do if I run out while working? How do I hide this? How do I convince them to keep me on?

I was told part of why this is happening is because during the pandemic, people whose ADHD used to be manageable without meds because they had a rigid day to day schedule started needing something, anything, in order to do shit properly. And it’s not nice think, because I know how fucking hard this is for all of us, but I can’t help being a little resentful. 

You get to go back to your rigid schedule, and you don’t need this anymore. It was a crutch for you, not crucial like it is for those of us who were NEVER able to manage without it, who couldn’t do the Just Stay Disciplined route, and now the FDA has decided that the possibility someone could be abusing the drugs instead of using them the way they’re prescribed means it’s too dangerous for them to be easily accessible for any of us... but that’s not your problem anymore.

You get to go back to your normal life after fucking ruining mine.

[queenofthedorks]

Last March I was officially diagnosed with ADHD after being unofficial diagnosed twice. Once my freshman year of high school when both my brother and father were diagnosed, the shrink was like “Oh yeah. She definitely has signs, but she’s doing fine in school. We don't need to do anything.” I then proceeded to deliberately flunk 8 classes in the next two years because I did not want to be in those classes, but no one did anything. BECAUSE I WAS FINE.

The second time I was unofficially diagnosed was in Fall 2013. I was working a full-time job and taking 9 credit hours of studio art, and I was getting close to graduating and trying to decide what to do, and it was just too much. Every time I sat down to make art, I had a meltdown. So I’m like okay. It’s time. I need meds. But I didn’t understand that sometimes you have to really push, and the doctor was like you're fine. Once you graduate, it will be fine.

I proceeded to almost tank grad school at least once a year for 3 years, and after a hardware failure, forgetting to back up, and in general, just being unmedicated ended up writing 60 pages of thesis in 2 weeks in a sheer fucking panic. BUT I WAS FINE.

Anyway, that's not what this is about.

Last March I WAS NOT FINE. (IDK how anyone could possibly be fine coming out of 2020/21, but that's also not what this is about.) So I took advantage of an online service, because finding a shrink to meet with in person after the previous instances was just TOO FUCKING MUCH.

And the online service was like GuuurRL. Congrats. You got both the inattentive type and the impulsive type. Well done. Well done indeed. We recommend medication. Also, some therapy, cause we’re a little worried about you.

At my med appointment, the shrink and I talked and eventually ended up with Concerta because, as I pointed out, I don’t remember to drink water or eat my lunch half of the time. I won’t remember to take my meds more than once a day.

And I was incredibly lucky because it worked pretty much straight out of the gate. I’d heard some horror stories so I was prepared to throw a fit, but the preauthorization was approved in like two hours, and I started taking my meds I wasn’t always 100%, but OMG, it was a night and day difference between being medicated and not. It took less energy to focus on the big stuff, which meant I wasn’t exhausted and frozen when I attempted the little stuff. And the constant low grade grind of anxiety I felt on a daily basis almost completely disappeared.

Then in January, I picked up my prescription and was like huh. The shape of my pills changed. Which should have given me a moment of pause, but this is the first long term prescription I’ve taken. About three-quarters of the way through January, I realized I was struggling. It wasn't quite as bad as not being medicated at all, but suddenly the little things like working out, cleaning, and packing my lunch became next to impossible to do again. And I don’t know, maybe it was actually worse, because I now know what I should feel like and I wasn’t. But still, I’ve been so gaslit by my previous experiences that I thought it was maybe me. January was especially grey this year, so I upped my vitamin D. Made some effort to sit in the sun when it was available and poured some effort into focus. And still I struggled. Anxiety kicked back up; small things slipped further through the cracks. I was really getting down on myself, because I should be fine. And I was not. So clearly I was fucking up some how.

And then I saw a tiktok from someone who was essentially in the same situation, but even worse. They’d been great for like a decade, but in the last two months it has been a constant struggle. And oh btw they were also taking Concerta. I decided maybe it wasn't just me, being me then. Maybe, there was something wrong. So, I started digging and discovered three things that happened at essentially the same time.

My insurance stopped covering the name brand.

The one manufacturer whose generic was precisely the same as the name brand stopped manufacturing it.

The generic that the pharmacy is giving is a bilayer tablet instead of a trilayer and is supposed to be time release, but????

The reason Concerta really works for some people is not the meds inside so much--it's just Ritalin--it's the way it's delivered. It's designed to do an initial dump of about 20% of the drug in the first hour or so, and then it does a really slow release of the rest of the drug for about 10 hours. Unfortunately, it's a proprietary delivery system, and with Janssen no longer producing it, it's the named brand or nothing.

Whatever this generic is doing it’s not doing it the way I needed to. And I should be fine, but I’m not. So after being kind paralyzed by anxiety and executive dysfunction for several weeks I am finally gonna talk to the doctor today about I don’t know? A new med? I don’t even know how this works. I just know that I know how functional feels now, so I’m not going back to not if I can at all help it.

Anyway, the American healthcare system is bullshit. Like I get that I’m incredibly privileged to have the meds covered at all, but fuck they should not be able to just suddenly decide I can only take a generic that’s not really equal to the named brand.

So after much dithering about if I should talk to someone, I finally made an appointment today. And after I made the appointment I realized they the only reason I dithered was because I’m concerned that someone is going to tell me I’m fine.

[bandofchimeras]

PDA stuff & long diary life update for those who care!

started sort of arguing with a popular neurodivergency Twitter person (not really, but got defensive) over the idea of PDA being a myth or a grab bag for those of us with severe burnout, etc. I'm open to not being CORRECT on this, but personally I've found both good and bad things in the diagnosis, the label, and community self-understanding, as with any diagnosis....its all based on a pretty flawed and pathologizing system. so why attack PDA in particular?

anyhow, on a personal level, today I stayed up into my natural noctural habitat to chop vegetables and make borscht. its a long, tedious process at my rate, and took two days + leaving the vegetables out overnight to do, but now its done! and yummy healthful soup for the rest of the week. :)

I'm slowly chipping away at rebuilding life and haven't tackled doctors, dentists, pharmacist, therapist aspect yet because of feeling vaguely unsure about where I will actually end up living once this couchsurfing period is over. its such an ordeal I don't want to repeat it again....but my teeth need urgent care, and meds are gonna be essential for any kind of work. which i've also been avoiding.... February is historically the hardest month for me to get thru. every year. have delved into other things astrologically but February...well I guess natal Uranus square Venus, Sun and North Node/Pluto plus oppositon Mars....that's a rough transit. But its probably the weather. Okay on to the PDA/ADHD/sensory/wtf bullshit I wanted to write about:

today I slowed wayyyyy down and just noticed in my body where and when resistance came up. It was a huge dark spirally last few days, but today had a few breakthroughs of being honest when my anxiety tempted me to lie/hide, saying no to somebody instead of people pleasing, and calming down before calling my mom, and actually having a pleasant chat.

also addressed the Cat Peeing on Everything issue in a multitude of ways. I felt much stronger in my self-acceptance despite the realization last night that my joints have deteriorated to the point carrying grocery bags disolates them! my life is pretty boring and I'm sort of floating along with no direction, but today instead of spiralling about it, I used the role-play technique to coach myself into a new mindset of "maybe you are not ready to find your purpose yet, just focus on getting the basics down" AND I noticed when my avoidance was coming from sensory needs! and tried to address them before making the demand. it worked pretty decently (turns out when i'm cold i will Not be able to move my body until until its warm??) A huge Axis of PDA is our intense willpower and drive to conform, fit in, understand, mask, etc. among people who are not us, and not like us. I appreciate this about PDAers, this will to understand and adapt, and the determination to succeed despite all setbacks. however, I think due to our slower processing speed, with the demand avoidance interference, we often miss the "steps" involved in success. there may also be some wilful delusion - if they can do it I can do it! that comes from being hypersensitive to the opinions of an ableist collective. so this week for me, i was feeling the weight of "not and never will be enough" and comparison to others. however, deactivating my facebook and slowing down to make soup, going on a sunshine walk, supple,ents, using the happy light, and starting to practice responding at least a little more compassionately but firmly to my own meltdowns....its working. i just have to release the need to do everything, everywhere, all at once. PDAers are characterized by a strong will to not only live, but to feed, to grow, to expand, to be competent. full of ideas and desires!! Unfortunately we often do not receive the accommodations necessary to actually do so or develop missing skills bc of being good at masking, or our disability being demonized as willful, selfish and in need of "breaking" this can be very heartbreaking - but as today showed me in my roommate's gracious reaction to a talk I was very scared to have with them - when you find someone who does accommodate and understand, and are willing, able, and open to connect with them, it is also heart healing. our struggles are an opportunity to exercise deep self acceptance and love for the Self despite physical limitations and inabilities!!! or they can be in the right environment. that's my thoughts for now, now its really past time to go to bed and have wild near lucid dreams again. goodnight!!

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