#but knowing what happens afterwards makes it even sadder

[dee-in-the-box]

the more i think about Dee and her situation, the sadder i get. like, that shit has to be Horrifying for a six-year-old.

like, imagine: it's your birthday. your older brother, the one you live with, drops you off at this diner, where there are big, robotic animals performing on stage. perhaps he's leaving you there because he has another job he has to go to. maybe he has other business to attend to, and he'll be back in a little while. whatever the case, he leaves you there and heads out. it will be the last time he ever sees you alive.

maybe you get lured back there with the promise of a "birthday surprise." maybe you're told that there's something cool back there that he wants to show you.

perhaps you never went back there willingly to begin with.

regardless of how you end up back there, two men, strangers to you, take your life. you don't make it easy for them, though. you fight back with everything you have in you, even if it's not much.

they take your scarf afterwards. as though stealing your life from you wasn't enough.

you weren't even in kindergarten yet. and now you never will be.

your brother returns later, distraught when he can't find you. you are still there, somehow. you don't know why you're still here. you want to go home.

he can't see you.

he can't hear you.

you learn that you're not alone here: two other kids have met the same fate as you. they are angry, and they want vengeance.

you do, too.

you start lashing out in your own way. you move things when no one's looking. you fling items from tables. you whisper to parents, warning them of what's in the building.

all to keep other kids from suffering as you did.

your brother returns a few days later, drunk as hell, all just to find out what happened to you. he gets a job as a night guard.

the other spirits kill him. you are powerless to stop any of it.

your murderer leaves him to die, laughing in his face as he begs for mercy, for help.

you lash out harder. perhaps that was a mistake.

eventually, you are forced to possess a puppet. you are stuck in a box, unable to leave. he has taken measures to make sure that you are unable to cause anymore problems. kids are afraid of you now.

you stay like this for an unknowable amount of time. you try to save the other souls that HE has taken the lives of. it usually fails.

your other older brother is brutally murdered. unsurprisingly, by the Same Guy. he was only trying to save the kids.

your brother, the one who had died trying to search for you, was resurrected. he goes around freeing the souls you fail to save. it's the only way you two are able to talk these days.

HE finally dies, but his business partner takes his place. you cannot rest yet.

you are only a child.

you will always be a child.

the chance to grow up was brutally robbed from you.

[fandomwe1rd0]

Over analyzing this goofy scientist pickle man show again! (I won't stop)

Honestly, if you think too much about what happened to Rick, it is legitimately heartbreaking, like his trauma is no excuse for how he acts, but just thinking about seeing your wife and child die in front of you is heartbreaking, and Rick saw it first hand, sure he didn't deal with it in the most healthy way, but him still being able to go on shows how strong he is. Especially knowing that he blame himself. Just the constant blame that you couldn't done something about it and just stayed frozen. The long no he screams out afterwards breaks my heart, I know he's a horrible person, but I will never not cry at his backstory. It is legitimately heartbreaking and beautiful.

It's just so sad that now he feels like he shouldn't love anyone because they either die or leave him is really really heartbreaking. And it makes every scene where he's mean to Morty even sadder. Because it was shown in Something Ricked this way comes that it's not who he is. And it's shown in Air Forde Wong that he doesn't want to be mean. He sometimes just lashes put without even realizing it. It's become a habit to him at this point, a second nature, but it's not who he is. It's who he thinks he needs to be to protect the people he loves since everyone he loves either leaves him or dies in front of him.

When you think about it, in his own way, he feels like he's protecting people he loves. That's why he's meanest to Morty, I always wondered why he was meaner to Morty than he was to say Beth or Summer or heck sometimes he's even nicer to Jerry. But after really thinking about his backstory, it makes sense. He doesn't want Morty to die, he doesn't want to lose Morty. It would destroy him. So he's meanest to Morty as a way to protect him, and is unable to see the damage his consistent emotional abuse casues. That's why he's sometimes mean to Summer in later seasons after they formed a bond. The more he cares about you, the meaner he's going to be to you because he's terrified of losing you, with some exceptions (Jerry and Rick Prime)

Thats why he's so horrible to Morty, and although Morty knows Ricks backstory, and 14-year-old isn't going to pick up on the fact that Rick emotionally abusing him is his weird way of protecting him. A 14-year-old is just going to know that it hurts. And even if he did, Ricks insults would still hurt. We even see that Morty thinks Rick doesn't care because of his consistent emotional abuse.

Now because of Rick, Morty hates himself and is now fully codependent on Rick.

Rick is learning to get better and is definitely a lot gentler to Morty in season 7. But he still scarred Morty deeply.

Holy fucking shit.

[bloodashre]

I just had a potentially mad thought and I haven't seen it anywhere else, so I don't know if it's already an existing theory or not.

But what if, as Azi often does actually say, the problem is that he's a demon, but not for the reasons we think. Hear me out. It's a long one, so buckle up.

Crowley said he just hung out with the wrong crowd and was in the wrong place at the wrong time and that all he ever really did wrong was ask questions. The show implies that his asking questions led to his fall, that's all very clear.

*But* there's that moment that Azi and him have when meet, where Aziraphale clearly thought Crowley meant something else during a specific line and we all know that line.

There's also a theory that Azi wanted to take Crowley back to Heaven, make him an angel again, and thought they'd be together, as in together together, but also angels.

It's been made clear also throughout the show that Azi isn't like other angels. Most people think it's Crowley's influence, but what if it's not? What if it never was?

What if it was the other way around?

Imagine if the two of them had had *a moment* - *as angels*?

I'm not saying anything truly happened, as angels don't have sex. They may not have even kissed (although that's an offshoot theory).

But if they had even just come close? And what if God didn't like that? What if it was the real reason Crowley fell and he didn't even know it? Imagine if maybe went something like this: warned him against asking questions. He does anyway. But The Metatron said he was *always* asking questions. He didn't just ask a lot. And that takes time.

So, during all this time, what if he becomes friends with Azi? He stated more than once that Azi is his best friend, and it's not like it's any more acceptable for a demon to have an angel for a friend. So, in Heaven, they're friends. Crowley's also friends with Lucifer and a few others. He asks questions all the time. And then he and Aziraphale have this moment. Of the two, Crowley would be considered more of a troublemaker.

On top of that, God most likely would want to punish them both, but making them both fall wouldn't do that. *Separating* them would.

And if Crowley fell *while starting to have feelings*, it might also explain how he ended up being so different from other demons.

What if he remembers? And what if Azi also does, and he wants to have it be the way he thinks it was supposed to be from the get? But Crowley knows that will never happen. And they never talk about it because until the end of season two, they both believe there's no point because it will never happen.

It would also explain some key moments, like Aziraphale's reaction when Shax says he doesn't seem like Crowley's type. It's hard to believe with the things he says that the two of them hooked up at any point, or kissed even.

Which brings me to the offshoot theory I mentioned earlier. Which is what is they did kiss, but as angels? That would have really pissed God off, but could still have been in such a way that Crowley didn't realise that was partly why he fell.

This would also make not only the way they feel and the kiss at the end of two even sadder, but add another layer to Aziraphale's reaction afterwards. Because what if, despite remembering being close and beginning to have feelings, what if they did kiss, but he had forgotten only that, and he remembered because Crowley kissed him?

[anna-hawk]

Always on my mind

Pairing: Shane Walsh x F!Reader Rating: E WC: ~1,7K Warning: unhealthy coping mechanism – post ZA – Sad reader – angst – smut – porn with feelings

I honestly don't know what this is. I've been having smut on the brain for days, but this turned out to be sadder than I meant it to be. I guess I also have a lot of feelings running around my head and this happened. Eh, I wrote some reader insert again at least XD. Also, I wrote this in one sitting, so if you see typos? Oops?

AO3 link

You’re restless. The day had been long and one of the worst you’d had in a good while, which considering the times, should say enough. You toss and turn on your cot in one of the shared rooms in the Greenes’ house, unable to get the day’s images out of your head. You’d lost two of the five people who have travelled with you before you’d met Rick and Shane’s group. All of you had been strangers when everything had started falling apart, but after so long on the road together, you’d all become close. They, like you, had been aware of the risks, knew that death lies just around the corner if you let your guard down for even one second. You learn to deal with grief differently, moving on faster than anyone deserves, only because if you don’t, you’re next. Even if you sometimes think that it would be so much easier to just stop fighting. 

Contrary to the rest of your initial group, you hadn’t cried. You couldn't. Shane had stepped towards the bodies, but you’d pushed him away. You wanted to be the one to make sure that your friends wouldn’t turn, and fought down the tremor in your hand as you used your knife. You’d caught Shane watching you out of the corner of your eyes as Rick had come forward to speak kind words and squeezed your shoulder. You’d only vaguely nodded and helped to dig the graves, the labor stopping most thoughts. Hershel had said a few words afterwards, but you’d barely heard any of them, feeling physically and mentally drained. 

Despite your fatigue, hours later, you’re unable to sleep, and finally kick off the sheets to get up and leave the room. Carol sees you leave and gently grasps your hand as you pass by her. You look down at her and into her sorrowful eyes, her face illuminated by the moon coming through the curtains. She doesn’t say anything, but you understand her just fine. You can’t manage a smile, but return the gesture, and she lets go. 

You amble through the quiet house and exit through the main door. The cool air feels good on your skin, and you breathe in deeply. You absently stare at the tents sitting on Hershel’s land and are suddenly hit by an urge that you hope will help get your brain to stop working for a few hours of rest. You hop down the front steps and walk towards one specific tent. Dale is the only one still awake and sitting on the trailer, on watch. He’s not facing towards you, and you keep your steps light enough that he doesn’t hear you. You don’t really care if he does see you, but you also don’t want to deal with his misplaced disappointed look. You know too well what his opinion would be, and you couldn’t care less about hearing it. 

Kneeling in front of the tent, you unzip it as quietly as possible, but Shane is awake before you have it all the way open. He’s sitting up on his sleeping bag and greets you with his rifle aimed at your face. You stare at Shane over the barrel, face expressionless, as you wait for him to lower the gun. 

“Jesus fucking Christ. You got a death wish or somethin’?” He barks under his breath, mindful of the others, but levels you with a pissed off look while he puts the rifle away to the side. 

You roll your eyes, unsure if he can even see it since you have your back to the moon. You crawl forward on your hands and knees until your knees stop at each side of his thighs. You lift your upper body to fist both hands into Shane’s brown tee shirt and pull him into a kiss. 

“The fuck you’re doing?” Shane pushes you away with a palm over your chest, staring at you with a confused expression, his eyebrows lowering over his eyes. 

“What does it look like I’m doing?” You counter, pressing forward again, but Shane grabs you by the shoulders and holds you still. 

“Yeah, exactly. ‘s why I’m asking. Why 're you not going to Daryl? You two always look so chummy.” 

“Well, if you don’t want to, maybe I should,” you say with an exasperated sigh and pull back. 

You wouldn’t. You like Daryl a lot, but not like that. Shane obviously isn’t aware of that because he catches one of your wrists before you can move further away from him. 

“Didn’t say that,” he says gruffly and draws you back towards him with a hand over your nape. 

You let out a long exhale at the contact of his lips, opening your mouth for more, now. You deliberately turn the kiss into a filthy exchange, wanting nothing more than to get what you wanted across without speech. Shane understands well enough and moves the two of you until you’re sitting astride him and pulling at each other’s clothes. You break the kiss to remove your top, and the moment that your chest is bare in front of him, Shane surges forward to mouth over the skin between your breasts. Your breath catches once he turns his head to one side and sucks a nipple into his mouth. You roll your hips over his, feeling him swell under you and pushing up. Shane switches to your other nipple, making you groan when he lightly pulls on it with his teeth before sucking on it again. You fist the collar of his tee shirt and pull, getting desperate for more. Shane gets the hint and removes the tee shirt, angling his face to yours to kiss you a second later. You manage to push down your pants and kick them off while staying on top of him, reaching for the fastenings of his pants right after. 

“Come on,” you mutter angrily against his lips as Shane pushes your hands away once you’ve opened his fly. 

An instant later, Shane grabs you around the waist and throws you to the side, making you land on your back with a shocked gasp. Shane sits up between your legs, pants undone, but he doesn’t move for a beat, only staring at you. This time, he’s the one with his back to the moonlight, meaning that you can’t clearly see his expression. You’re about to complain about him stopping, when he lowers his upper half over you and kisses you silent, delving his tongue deep inside and licking over yours with intent. You moan and throw your arms around his shoulders, your thighs squeezing his sides. Holding himself up with an elbow next to your neck, his arm circling over your head, you feel his other hand slowly stroking down your body. He shuffles his knees forward until the back of your thighs rest over the top of his, moving your legs up and further apart. His fingers slide down your mound, two of them slipping between your folds.

You’re not ready for the way Shane breaches your wet entrance with those fingers, and you have to gasp sharply at the sudden pleasure of being filled. Shane leans up slightly, positioning himself to be able to look at you as his fingers start fucking you in earnest. Your chest bows up as you throw your head back and moan deeply, taken aback by Shane’s action. You’d intended for him to fuck you hard and fast to get your mind off the spiraling thoughts, playing into the fact that you know that the attraction is mutual. You hadn’t expected this, however. The way he’s watching you raptly as he works his hand quickly, to get you there as fast as possible. You want to turn your face away, push his hand away because it’s all becoming too much too soon. But you can’t. You have a hand gripping the top of the arm that’s fucking you, but you can’t do more than just keeping it there. It’s the fact that he’s observing you, though, that makes you unable to move. He’s looking for something, knowing that you came to him for a reason. To forget. 

Moan after moan leaves you, and you’re gritting your teeth as not to make too much noise. You have to bite your lower lip on a scream as Shane plunges another thick finger inside you. 

“Let go, Darlin’,” Shane rasps. “Come on.” 

And you do. Your brow creases as explosive bliss rocks through your entire body, making your legs quiver and tiny moans to leave through your lips. Shane guides you through it, shushing you and slowly kissing you. 

You barely register it when Shane hikes your thighs over his hips and lowers his whole body over you, until you feel his cock pushing inside you. You make a garbled sound as your tender walls are spread even further, on the brink of uncomfortable, but the pleasure wins once Shane starts moving and your voice goes higher. Shane clasps a palm over your mouth to stop you from getting louder, something you’re grateful for since you seem unable to hold back any longer. Definitely not once Shane pushes one of your legs up some more to give him a better angle, so that now, he can fuck into you deeper, hips snapping forward faster. In the half light, you can tell that his eyes never leave yours, his face only a few inches away from yours, over the hand still on your mouth. Your fingers dig into his shoulders and your heels into the back of his thighs as you start coming around him for the second time. You can feel your walls fluttering around his cock, and get an aborted few curses from Shane for it. He removes his hand from your mouth, and this time he catches any sound you make with his lips, sliding his tongue alongside yours and groaning deep in the back of his throat as he comes as well. 

Shane rests his forehead against yours, both of you breathing deeply for a while. As he slowly rolls to the side, you can actually feel how your body slowly unwinds, your mind going fuzzy with sleepiness. You know, in the far back of your head, that tomorrow you’ll have to deal with all of it. That you’ll probably have to talk about tonight with Shane. But as he helps your groggy body to move enough to put on a few clothes again and get you into a more comfortable position for sleep – because there’s no way that you’re going anywhere now – his barely audible I got you, darling, gives you hope that things could be okay. 

[l0reenthusiast]

I'm Sorry I Made You Wait So Long.

JFEWIOVEHRWV I FORGOT THIS WAS STILL IN MY DRAFTS ANYWAY HERE YOU GO

TW: Death

Word count; 1,318

based on this here video and this one ;)

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"I'm so glad you fell in love with me again, my windblume. I promise I'll always… always…" Your boyfriend trailed off sleepily, passing out before he could finish what he was saying. You sat there, frozen in shock. Your heart gradually began to pound faster and faster, your mind repeating what Venti had just said over and over again. There was no way that he remembered too, was there? Did he even die in the first place? You were aware of being reincarnated, yes. But was he aware too? How long had he known? When did he find out? None of these questions you had the answer to. Ultimately you decided that you would get your answers when he and the others finally had their day off.

================================================

You and Venti continued to talk as he held the umbrella above you two. You held his hand, getting just a tiny bit closer to him as the rain gradually got heavier. You both had expected this, hence the umbrella, but neither of you knew it would get this bad.

"Hey Venti, we might want to hurry it up a bit. It's not exactly fun to walk home during a sto-" Before you could finish, the sky grew bright for a mere second, followed by the loud boom of thunder. It took a moment to register to you, but the moment the lighting appeared, Venti had pulled you in for aa tight hug. Your hand was against his chest, feeling his heartbeat accelerate. You looked at him, your own heart stopping for a moment at his expression. His eyes were wide, and his eyes darted between the sky and the land around you. It was almost as if he was afraid, no, terrified that something or someone was going to hurt you. "Love," You spoke softly, your boyfriend letting you go, still holding onto your wrist as his expression changed. "I'm alright. You've always done this when there's thunderstorms. Is something wrong?" You asked. Venti sighed as his eyes softened, making eye contact with you again.

"Sorry Windblume, I didn't mean to do that. I…" He trailed off, the look in his eyes making it clear he was deep in thought. "I had an accident happen when I was a kid that made me afraid of thunder and lightning. I'd rather not talk about it if it's okay with you." He spoke. He looked down towards the ground for a few seconds, his tone getting sadder and quieter.

"Alright. That's all I wanted to know. Now, like I said, we really should hurry up. Walking home during a storm is not one of the most pleasant experiences."

================================================

It had been a few weeks since your call with your boyfriend, and it had been one day since his concert. You had decided to surprise him by attending. The very second him and the rest of 4NEMO came on stage, he locked eyes with you. You would forever have the wide smile that appeared in his face in your memory. Afterwards, you two had decided to have a home date. You both had baked cookies, danced to him and Xiao's popular song Roki, and took the chance to make pasta from scratch together this time. You both ended up with a really long noodle though, and you ended up having a competition to see who could roll it onto the fork the fastest. You won, however you choked on said noodle as you laughed. But as for right now, you lay on your boyfriend's lap, staring into his eyes, not a though in your mind. You watched his eyes follow the characters on the TV screen, watching his pupils expand and shrink each time his favorite character came on and off screen. You fiddled with your fingers a bit, deciding that now was your chance.

"Hey Venti? You remember that time when we were in the kitchen in my teapot and you distracted me with dancing enough to the point where the pot was boiling over?"

Venti chuckled a bit before responding. "Yea! You should've seen the look on your face when you panicked!" Your eyes widened as your jaw dropped, quickly sitting up and adjusting yourself so you could face him. "Wait… Windblume…"

"You remember?"

"You remember?"

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It was one week since Venti had come to see you in Inazuma. You had left to go do your commissions for the day and promised him that you would be back soon. He knew all too well that you were strong, so you should be find simply doing commissions, right? He tried not to let the growing pit in his stomach bother him, but something was wrong, and he knew it. Which was why he decided to head into town to try and find you. The very moment he stepped into Inazuma City; the pit only got bigger. He was about to ask two of the people in town if they had seen someone that looked like you. that was at least, until he heard what they said.

"Did you hear about the ceremony today? I heard that it's about the 100th Vision in Inazuma being confiscated."

"Yeah. In fact, I'm pretty sure that it's Thoma who's getting his vision taken."

Venti would've been a fool to think that you would have no involvement in this. Not after the Stormterror Incident and the events in Liyue Harbor. And so, the bard ran as fast as his legs could take him. He pushed the Inazuman citizens out of his way, not caring at all if they complained or gave him weird looks. He just knew that he had to get to you. He had just reached the other side of the bridge connecting Inazuma City and Tenshukaku, and that's when he saw you. He nearly froze at the sight. He had heard your scream of agony, and he had seen you fall to the ground, the Raiden Shogun standing beneath her statue. Meanwhile, your senses had begun to fadeaway. The last thing you had seen was his petrified eyes, and the last thing you heard was his voice. He had screamed your name, using his anemo abilities to jump off the bridge and get to you. Everyone witnessing the event gasped in shock, including the Shogun… no, Ei herself. He put a hand to your pulse.

Nothing.

The tears had poured from his eyes instantly. What others might have seen as an unreadable expression on Venti… no, Barbatos' face. Ei knew that it was not unreadable, but an indescribable amount of grief and rage. Venti's wings began to slowly unfold from underneath his cape as he spoke in a monotone voice, slowly switching from his bard appearance to his Archon form. The crowd was silent. Ei was silent. Thoma was silent. Paimon was silent. Barbatos turned to the crowd. "Leave. Now." He turned back to Ei, his turquoise eyes making contact with her purple ones. "You dare to murder a god's most beloved, Almighty Shogun?"

Neither Ei nor the Puppet survived.

================================================

"You didn't die after all this time, did you?" You questioned. Tears swelled in your boyfriend's eyes as he quickly wrapped his arms around your shoulders. He buried his head into your right shoulder as he began to sob, giving you your answer.

"I thought you would never remember. You really did come back to me." He spoke in between sobs. You yourself wrapping your arms around his back, crying along with him.

"Of course, I would come back to you. it doesn't matter what universe; I will always find and fall in love with you."

"I'm sorry I made you wait so long."

[el-moscorrofio-y-el-mercachifle]

Hiiii, I really like it when you share with us the thoughts you have about ysblf! What did you think of that second "meeting" between Patricia and Daniel? The one where she goes to his apartment after calling him out on her cell phone and he told her to resign (and minutes later she finds Aura Maria with Mario). I always see people talking about their first "date", which was at her apartment, but in my opinion this second one was much more disturbing. This one had more blackmail, manipulation and ab\/s3 involved, which made everything sadder. Not to mention the way Daniel treated Patricia afterwards, due to her logical reaction, him sending her away soon after, had a strong impact on her (which makes me wonder about her backstory, and if this has happened before with other people

It really irritates me that they didn't give much insight into Patricia's past, I think that would explain a lot about her).

ps: sorry if I made any mistakes, I'm translating using Google Translate

Hiii! Thank you for the ask!! Don't worry about mistakes, this was very good!😊

Oh, that scene! It's definitely so, so ugly. I'd say is one of the ugliest because of the heavy themes. Fun act, I just rewatched the whole ysblf here in the US on the Peacock platform and it doesn't have the scene after, when they're on Daniel's bed and he's breathing heavily nd all that. Idk why's that, but I definitely want to rewatch the full uncensored versión again lster

The "date" escene is bad, but I don't think that anything there ((except the sexual harrassment, obviously)) makes me uncomfortable. Daniel quickly detected a golddigger with Princess delusions even though she's pretty pathetic, so he popped her bubble. She wasn't going there with a genuine desire of getting to know Daniel. She simply wanted a walking ATM, and Daniel knew that. She was just looking for a plan B in case her "relationship" with Mario didn't lead to economic comfort. (((You gotta be smart even to golddig, ppl lol)))

But THAT escene, when Patricia goes to Daniel's place to basically beg forgiveness, and Daniel takes advantage of it is so, so ugly, uncomfortable, and raw. We are presented a very human and vulnerable Patricia in a way that we didn't get to see much. We didn't see a walking comedy skit like she later became, but an actual woman who fell so hard that she's now having to accept being coerced into sexual favors because otherwise she'll be consumed by poverty. It's a very sad and human story. And yes, we know Patricia acted very wrongfully by damaging the computer, but that's nothing compared to what Daniel made her pay.

Daniel liked to humiliate people, especially those from whom he could get a reaction, like Armando and Patricia. Notice he barely ever bothers Mario, for example? Or Hugo? Sure, he gives poisoned comments to almost everyone, but you can tell he likes to particularly humiliates those who won't take it lightly and will break easily OR pretend to be more than they are ((ironic considering this dude conskders himself classy, rich, and smart and we know he isn't lmao)).

In any case, Patricia was the perfect target as she fits noth categories anyway, and he chose to humiliate her to the biggest degree in that scene when he sends her away. He is saying she is useless but for sex. That all she is and can ever be for a man like him is momentary fun. That all she prides herself in are mere facades and delusions and there is no value on her but her body. And of course, he's told her this before, but in this scene he actively demonstrates it.

The characters' backgrounds are somrthing that we really needed! Patricia is one of those characters that as the novela progresses it's easy to forget how real and human her problems are, and it's understandable the audience has that perception. The novela took her extreme poverty and made a joke out of it. But she really fell low due fully to her ego. She was coerced into sexual favors, and later basically sells herself to Nicolás for the money for her car. She goes so down to the point she doesn't eat for days. Her fridge is empty, she has no electricity some days, cold water. And sure, it's a grave that she keeps digging deeper and deeper with every idiotic decision; a hell of her own creation, but a hell none the less!

My guess for Patricia's past has always been that she was born into extravagabt luxury, not just money. Either her mother was similar to her in her grandiose and vain ways and instilled that mentality on Patricia, or maybe she died when Patricia was too little. Her dad definitely seems the kind to be trying to supply every single materia thing. Perhaps this was his way to fill the void that her mom left in her. They seem to get along, tho. We see her calling him all the time tk tell him good and bad things happenjng in her life, so we can say they're pretty close, but with firm boundaries from her dad's side. I imagine she lived on his expense for a long time and he's now done with it.

Thank you for the ask🥰🥰

[aurorawest]

Reading update

The Restless Dark by Erica Waters - 4.25/5 stars

Genuinely good YA thriller.

The Stagsblood Prince by Gideon E Wood - 4.25/5 stars

This one ripped my heart out and I am going to be PISSED if there isn't a happy ending in the third book in the trilogy.

You First by JC Lillis - 4.25/5 stars

You'd think a book that is essentially an Incredibles AU would be lighthearted, right? You wouldn't think you'd practically be sobbing by the end? Haha! You thought wrong!

Wranglestone by Darren Charlton - 4.25/5 stars

I initially rated this 4.25 stars but honestly I might bump it up to 4.5. It's a zombie story but it was really well done, and I ordered the second book in the series the minute I finished this one.

The Falcon and the Foe by AJ Truman - 3.75/5 stars

Felix Silver, Teaspoons, & Witches by Harry Cook - DNF

This one was too Middle Grade for me.

Honey Girl by Morgan Rogers - 3.5/5 stars

So I won my local indie bookstore's trivia in March and the first place prize was a bunch of books that I never would have picked up on my own, including this one. I bumped it to the front of my TBR pile because I thought it would make a good comp for the manuscript I'm editing - it's about a woman who meets and drunkenly marries a stranger in Vegas, then falls in love with her afterwards. The book is really not a romance though, and is actually about burnout. I might have rated it higher if it didn't sell itself as a romance.

All the Better Part of Me by Molly Ringle - 4.25/5 stars

The Kingdoms by Natasha Pulley - 5/5 stars

"What if France won the Napoleonic Wars because of time travelers" shouldn't have shattered me the way this book did, but of course it's a Natasha Pulley novel so it absolutely did. There isn't a single one of her books that don't live in my mind rent free for apparently the rest of time after I read them, but man. I'm not sure if this one hurt as much as The Lost Future of Pepperharrow, but it's pretty close. Missouri Kite is the most Gay Little Man™. And Joe, poor Joe. The PINING. The YEARNING. When the reveal happens, I had to go back and read prior sections of the book and good god do they hit different. Different and SADDER. AKDJF;AKDJFKDAFJ;D JUST PLEASE READ IT PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

A Destiny of Dragons by TJ Klune - DNF

Not only did I DNF this, I removed the rest of the series from my TBR pile and will be offloading them at my local indie bookstore's next book buy-back. I think the worst part of this one was that he dedicated it to his eighth grade English teacher, who apparently told him his stories would never amount to anything. And like. What an awful thing for a teacher to tell a kid (sidebar, my eighth grade English teacher is one of the reasons I started to really take writing seriously, she was amazingly supportive - thank you, Mrs. Brzezinski!). But reading this series is like...you know, she might have had a point. I KID I KID WE ALL KNOW KLUNE ACTUALLY CAN WRITE but holy shit again, this series is so bad. The writing was a little better than The Lightning-Struck Heart but the characters are so fucking annoying. The term Mary Sue gets thrown around a lot and I'm generally not a fan of its application (since usually it's used to tear down teenage girls) but Sam of Wilds is such a fucking Mary Sue (or Gary Stu, I guess, but down with the gender binary, let's just have one word). Everyone wants to have sex with him and while it may have been sort of funny at first (it wasn't), by book 2, the joke has worn extremely thin. Also there's a prophecy about him, because of course there is. And he's the most powerful wizard ever. And yeah, I've read a lot of books where there's a prophecy about the MC and they're the Most Powerful Magic Person Ever, but they're usually not this annoying.

Chainbreaker by Tara Sim - 5/5 stars

This is book 2 of a really interesting and original fantasy/steampunk series. I really enjoyed the first one but this one was even better. It takes place in a world where time running correctly is controlled by clock towers. The main character is a clock mechanic (obviously an important job) who falls in love with the clock spirit of the town of Enfield (delightful, since my wife is from Enfield and it's not a place you often see mentioned in fiction). This book raises the stakes of the first one and takes place largely in India. Highly recommend.

Stormhaven by Jordan L Hawk - 4.25/5 stars

Game Changer by Rachel Reid - 4/5 stars

Is this the OG m/m hockey book? There was something very quaint about it haha.

The Best Man's Problem by Sera Taíno - DNF

I'm beginning to realize that I don't really like books where the family is given equal importance to the romance.

Arctic Wild by Annabeth Albert - 4/5 stars

Hummingbird Heartbreak by Max Walker - 2.75/5 stars

I found Dusty's reaction to the reveal of Brandon's past to be over-the-top and unreasonable (like, unreasonable within the context of the story - obviously characters can react unreasonably to things, but it still needs to make sense for them!). I probably would have rated this 3 stars if not for that, because it's a sweet enough love story.

The World We Make by NJ Jemisin - 2.5/5 stars

NK Jemisin, please do not read this. Jemisin has been open about how difficult this book was to write, and about the fact that she couldn't handle the trilogy she'd planned and took it down to a duology, and…unfortunately, it shows. I loved the first book but this one was a disappointing finale. The pacing was uneven and the character development stalled. Plot threads were introduced and either vanished (Bronca's new girlfriend) or were resolved in a way that felt unearned (the mayoral race, Manny's true identity, honestly the whole big conflict). Aislyn was an interesting character who ultimately felt underutilized. I actually, physically cringed at a couple points during this book—the coda was really just one long cringe, and the other moment was when Brooklyn calls...Beyonce. Who is an old friend. But then Beyonce is never brought up again and I couldn't tell you what the purpose of her inclusion in the book was. I'm sure some people love that kind of stuff but I can't stand it.

I did really love the other cities though! If Jemisin ever returned to this universe, I'd read a book about Faiyum in a heartbeat. His snark and his gay little crocodile earring were chef's kiss.

Jemisin is a fabulous writer and all my issues with this book feel like the result of an author forcing herself to write something she wasn't feeling and just wanted to be done with. Disappointing all the same since I had really been looking forward to this one.

The Sugared Game by KJ Charles - 5/5 stars

It is not possible to go wrong with an AJ Charles book and this one is no exception. I love Kim and Will so much, and I really really hope the third book builds on the trust they established in this one.

Sixteen Souls by Rose Talbot - 3.75/5 stars

I liked this book but I did find myself, at the climax, wondering why on earth living people would sacrifice themselves to save ghosts from...being more dead? Like. They're...already dead.

[nostalgical]

thinking about how michael's first instinct was to fight when he witnessed a kid being mistreated by his father in public. displaying the same type of aggression he saw from his own father growing up. what makes it even sadder is when their caretaker judd asked michael afterwards, "what do you think is going to happen when the man you hit and his family go home tonight?" and instantly michael is filled with so much regret because unfortunately he knows. he's been in that kids shoes. and i can only imagine how much guilt he had over what he might have potentially caused. but at the same time, i'm sure he wished that someone would have stood up for him the same way he did for that boy. he would have loved to have known that someone out there could see what was happening and cared enough to do something about it.

[futurequibblerjournalist]

This blog has inspired me to write a long, emotional piece like your Trempe de Seuer (but not! I'm anti-plagiarism), but I don't know what ship to do or even how to begin. Do you have any advice? Suggestions? I'm so new to all of this.

This has fully made my day honestly chfncjnfj to think that my silly little story has inspired someone makes me so happy!

As for advice I can tell you what I did lol. Basically trempé de sueur came to me after I read Call Me By Your Name. I watched the movie afterwards and I wanted to write something that captured that freedom of summer, the soft buzz of insects in the air, the sound of running water, the feeling of sweat against skin, the smell of salty air in your nose. Just,, summer love essentially. It was supposed to be a one shot but it just spiralled. It was also meant to have a much sadder ending than it ends up with. It was also meant to be mostly focused on romance but instead it kinda ends up as more of a character study and a bit of a coming of age fic?

I think pulling from a feeling or a feeling you experience in a specific setting is a good way to start. Do you want it to be focused on romance? Family dynamics? Friendships? Character growth? Where do you want your character(s) to be at the beginning of the story and what do you want them to have learned by the end?

As for the ship, I would say go with someone you know you’ll be able to focus on writing for so long. This is so ironic cause I was also going to say write your favourite ship but like,, jegulus is not my favourite ship yet my two longest fics are both about them lmao. I don’t know what happened there. They fit the story I was trying to tell well and rather than trying to change the characters to fit the story I did it the other way around and ended up with a story I’m honestly much happier with cjnfjcndjcndj

I also wrote in a kind of different style than what I usually do? I was inspired by the kind of slow writing where you really get to experience what it’s like to be in the scene I’m writing. Hopefully that came across chfncjfnjc but yeah, getting inspired by books with writing styles that inspire you is also a great way to add to a story too, it kinda challenges the way you tell your story.

I also created a playlist and a moodboard for trempé de sueur specifically that has helped me visualise things a lot. I’ll also sometimes put on some ambiance “music” with like,, birds twittering and general summer sounds etc to get in the mood lol. I would imagine it would work well doing a crinkling fireplace for a fic that takes place in a warm inn with a snowstorm outside or loud rain noises for a good rainy day, I did that when writing the last bit of the scene in chapter three for trempé de sueur

I think that’s all the advice I’ve got? Or just,, jumping off points really! Also!! I think it can be super fun to bounce ideas off of other people! Not in a plagiarism way obviously but just friends helping out friends and such,,,

I’m gonna do a smidge of promo here lol but I have had a great experience in @starman-server! We bounce ideas back and forth and do writing sprints quite often and they’re also great motivators for writing longer fics! There’s also just regular chatting and stuff but yeah,, a server (either like this or this one, wink wink come join us we’re very fun) is a wonderful “tool” as well. Also sometimes it’s just fun to talk about your fic with likeminded people!

Either way,, I hope this could help you in some way! My way is in no way the only way to do it but yeah cjfncjfn. If there’s anything else honestly feel free to come back in here or drop me a dm or something chfncjfnjc

[ewanmitchellcrumbs]

I’ve been feeling melancholy since we have been bombarded with Ewan crumbs and I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s all of the designer clothes and stylist are just such a different vibe to the working class man we are used to. Not that we know him of course, but visually we are used to his old dirty adidas sneakers and Salad Days jacket he wears every occasion he gets. His agency didn’t have a problem with it before so it’s likely him that’s chosen to have a stylist. I feel like he’ll make an Instagram next and he will become just like every other actor. Maybe it’s not even Ewan, and that tumblr just feels so much different than it did six months ago. We are all losing enthusiasm and are a lot sadder than we were.

I've been feeling a bit morose too - I think it's more of a chemical reaction for me though. You know when you experience a rush of positive feeling and then are left feeling a bit shite afterwards?

I disagree with you though - the projects he's been working on up until now have been low profile, he's not been a main character, and so it hasn't mattered too much how he has been perceived. Important to remember that Salad Days was filmed for a university assignment - it had no commercial/professional input.

He's now in a Prime Studios film and a main character in an HBO series - he's been given rigorous media/PR training to prepare him for that, and part of that will be image related. Warner Brothers would throw a fit if he was to rock up to CCXP decked out in Adidas, looking like he hasn't washed his face.

Davey will have been appointed to him as a stylist (perhaps he was presented with a selection and liked Davey's work the most?), the same for the hair stylists he had for both CCXP and the Saltburn event. Yeah, he'll have had input regarding the clothes - what sort of colours he likes, etc. but the production companies he's working with now want him putting his best foot forward.

What we are seeing is him doing his job, nothing more. I really wouldn't read too much into it. I had to attend a media event on Wednesday and I wore a dress and a full face of make-up, and drank Prosecco that tasted fucking rancid. I'm now sat at my laptop in Adidas trackies and a t-shirt for my mate's brewery, honking on my vape. The juxtaposition is wild - the face I present when I'm working, and then how I am at home are two very different things.

I hate that you are feeling sad - if you really are finding it a bummer, I would recommend taking a bit of a break, and getting some perspective.

He's just a guy at the end of the day, literally just some guy. Don't allow a stranger to have power over how you feel - step back when that happens.

Sending lots of love your way, and hope you feel happier soon! xoxo

[pikabysss]

I just need to talk about Blazblue music for a sec, more precisely, talk about Hazama's theme and make a short character analysis afterward....

(I hid it under the cut. It was getting long.)

One of the many reasons I like Hazama so much is because of his theme song's second version: Gluttony Fang II.

Okay, I'm not going to talk about the name, but I just need to say how it's intriguing how a character like Hazama is associated with gluttony and not Wrath or Envy. (Or Lust, but Lust is Jin's thing, with his theme song 'LUST Sin'. Lust in maj, yes, as if I couldn't read it.) They really chose the weirdest sins and twisted it. Like, seriously, you see that man, and you do not jump at the conclusion of: "Ah! Yes! Gluttony." Even Jin seems more lustful than Hazama seems gluttonous. However, his Astral Finish of a snake voring devouring his victim is quite intriguing...

But I honestly thought his theme song was Azrael's the first time I saw the names.

Anyway, name aside, the music itself is... well, taste is subjective, and it's more what it is showing/telling that interests me. Okay, let's get another something out of the way: I noticed Hazama has long fingers, and he often place them in a crooked or weird position. Like, he got a flexible hand and, therefore, fingers and they're animated like, you know, someone trying to get the attention of a cat. So, I just told myself, "Yeah, he has pianist fingers."

And how does Gluttony Fang II uncut start with!? A piano solo! And his la noire estethic just screams piano too, like, COME ON! This is GREAT!

The solo itself is great too. It starts serene, showing his how his façade is: polite and innofensive guy, but then get progressively more unhinged. (Honestly, I always picture Hazama playing the Piano part in my head. Like, him struggling to not let his façade slip while he plays, but eventually ends up mashing the keys. And, if you listen closely, you can FEEL the damn keys getting hit harder.)

I think the piano part really represents Hazama. Then, the electronic percussion and electric guitar gets in, and that's his Terumi side fully showing. But, since Chronophantasma was when they started to separate Hazama from Terumi, they had to make a HAZAMA theme and not a TERUMI theme. Anyway, that's how I see it. There are many more emotions into the song now. More than just adrenaline and anxiety and rage from his first version. There's some calmer piano moments shoved into the song, like saying that Hazama is more there than before. But the combination of the piano and guitar during the song shows that he has 2 sides too, and the way the notes gets chaotic sometimes on the piano's end, is just like Hazama trying to get control over that Terumi side. Even when they separate, we can agree that Hazama did not get rid of his Terumi side completely, as if Terumi was a bad infection left on him. So, even when the music gets way calmer and serene for a bit, it gets back at being heart pumping and anxiety inducing.

But, it's really a chaotic song because Hazama is a chaotic character. The sadder or more serene part could be a hint toward his past as Kazuma (who was basically a uwu soft guy). So, I kinda see it more like a Kazuma vs. Terumi kinda song, where they fight over control over that vessel, which is Hazama. However, the beginning is purely Hazama, indecisive and getting insane over the fact that he's basically two entity at once and that he doesn't want to pick a side.

Hazama is a sad character overall. There's two sides to a coin, but the coin falls on its border, which is something that shouldn't be happening. It's like Hazama has two choices: either he becomes Terumi (ally with Terumi) or becomes Kazuma (ally with Trinity), but he wants neither. He wants to be Hazama, but for that, he needs to develop his feelings. Otherwise, he's nothing but just a vessel to either souls to use. I do believe a part of Kazuma is inside Hazama. Nobody can deny that, I think. But Hazama is rejecting it just like he is rejecting Terumi. Which, I don't think he realises it, makes him suffer more than if he decided to choose. He's trying so hard to find a reason to exist, but for what reason? He could simply give up everything and go back with Terumi. He clearly has values and a will. He just doesn't understand it himself: That choosing a side hurts him and that he would rather be free. For someone as smart when it comes to perceiving other's emotions, he really sucks at introspection. That hole in his chest is clearly not the only thing that made him suffer. It just made him suffer MORE than the other stuff. Suffer so much that he managed to realise it.

Okay, so... Hazama is one of the best characters to write about '[...] is bad at feelings' kind of fics. That's... that's literally the major part of his character. That and the desire to find oneself.

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

day seventeen: touch starved

a Vaniah story. word count 1,050.

He spent a long time in hospital relearning everything. Vaniah slowly regained himself, his memories and his character. He cried a great deal. He was allowed very few visitors, but Jim and Maria were there very frequently, even when he was catatonic. When his health permitted, Mordecai was also there. He couldn’t remember what had happened to Mordecai, but he knew it was bad.

And so, surrounded by the people who loved him (and he thought his family visited a few times, though they weren’t supposed to), Vaniah recollected himself. He never knew afterwards how long he was in hospital; only that when he came out he was a different man, and the violent tendencies he had been developing were entirely gone. Forever after, he only expressed his violence towards himself, or towards others when he considered it necessary. It was no longer an instinctive reaction.

He had lost himself, and with the help of others he found himself again, but not quite the same. He would never be quite the same as beforehand.

Months had passed before he walked out of the hospital unaided. Jim, Maria and Mordecai were by his side. Maria had already graduated to the next stage of the program, but she was going to stay around for a while to help Vaniah. She looked older and sadder than he remembered. Mordecai had managed to contract Legionnaire’s disease and had been hospitalised for a long time too, so he would progress with Vaniah still.

For that Vaniah was glad. Without the constancy of his friends by his side he thought he might forget himself. He was having problems with remembering things—he had almost no memory of the hospital, and frequently struggled with short-term memory—but they said that would probably pass over time.

Whenever he fell asleep, he remembered Maria’s face, though he never remembered it in his waking hours. Though he did not know it, it was the start of a pattern of terrible nightmares plaguing his sleep, and he cried out often. Yet he was never aware of it except in brief flashes.

They said that the combination of hypnotherapy and unusual stress just before that had pushed him to the breaking point, and—unlike what Jim had said once—he was capable of breaking.

The only memory he had clearly from that time of his life was something Jim had said. It lingered in his head occasionally.

“The only budging you will ever do will be complete and catastrophic—no little bending to the whims of others. If you break it will be because you killed yourself.”

Well, he had broken catastrophically. Maybe not in the way Jim had meant, but that was irrelevant. And he still lived—he still lived. He wasn’t sure how to feel about that.

“Do you really think I’ll kill myself?” he said apropos of nothing to Jim one day, a week after he had returned to the compound. He only realised what a disturbing sentence it was when he saw the look on the other man’s face.

“Why did you ask that?”

“I was wondering. I remembered you told me once that I’d kill myself if I broke. Something about it being complete and catastrophic.”

Jim studied him. “You remember that?”

“Yes.”

“Do you need to talk to a psychologist? I’m not equipped for keeping you safe if you really are a danger to yourself.”

“I’m not. I was curious, that’s all.”

Jim sighed. “This line of work can make it really hard for everyone, Vaniah. I don’t want you to be pushed further than you can bear.”

“How do I know when I get to that stage?” He laughed; Jim glanced wearily at him.

“Talk to me.”

He did. Some days he spent hours talking to Jim, and he was unconscious of how much it was affecting him. He spent less time with Maria and Mordecai, but he was scarcely aware of it. If he had seen what he was to become a year before it would have horrified him. But things which had distressed him deeply at the start did not make him think twice anymore.

He was becoming the monster he had long promised himself he would never become, and Jim was satisfied.

But he was still not entirely heartless. One day he was commanded to injure someone who had just joined the program. The boy was terrified; he was shaking. Vaniah hesitated with the knife in his hand, and eventually laid it down and refused. He suspected it was because of Mordecai’s influence.

For that Jim punished him severely. He had never dreamed one could feel that much pain and remain conscious. Maria was there, too—unless he had hallucinated her—and she wept and begged Jim to stop. Vaniah only passed out, eventually, from blood loss. Then they gave him multiple blood transfusions and let him heal in pain.

He began physical therapy to avoid problems with scarring. He felt better afterwards; the dull pain distracted him from his dark thoughts, and sometimes he was so exhausted he had to go to bed immediately after and sleep.

It was a dark time for Vaniah, though he was worked so hard he didn’t always realise it; as the medication regimen had more and more of an impact on him, he discovered that it was all but impossible to drink himself to drunkenness. He found he liked the vaguely medicinal taste of vodka, and began drinking until everything felt slightly fuzzy; almost every night, as it was the only way he could get to sleep. He woke every day with a hangover, but it became his normal. He never knew how much he confessed to and was manipulated by Jim; nor did he question why he was given so much access to alcohol, where very few others were allowed it.

He became touch starved; the only times he was touched now was to harm, both from others and from himself. Sometimes they made him injure himself, and sometimes he chose it to get away from the memories plaguing him, hanging just out of reach. Nobody had hugged him for a long time, and his friends never initiated embraces now. He suspected they were afraid of him.

That tracked. He was afraid of himself.

[bendybutnot]

DAMNIT I WAS WRITING ANOTHER POST BECAUSE TWO PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED AND I WANNA RAMBLE AND I FORGOT TO SAVE

I LOST EVERYTHING I WROTE FOR MORE INFORMATION

AN HOUR I WILL NOT GET BACK! VALUABLE WORDS I WON'T REMEMBER!

It's fine it's fine, ILL WRITE IT ALL AGAIN IN DIFFERENT WORDING!!! YyyyyyeeeaAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

ALRIGHT.

SO, the animatronics being the boys? HILARIOUS, PERFECT EVEN, WHY THE HELL NOT. SO, THE MAIN CAST IN SECURITY BREACH IS FOUR, SO WE'D NEED THREE MORE BECAUSE WE'RE ALREADY COUNTING WARRIOR'S IN FREDDY'S PLACE.

I'm thinking, maybe Legend, Sky, Wild. I totally didn't almost forget I chose Wild in the first lineup before I forgot to save. I'm totally not salty at myself.

But that's just the main four, so if there's more animatronics they could either be random or more of the boys.

WE'D ALSO NEED A SECURITY GUARD.

Oh my god I just got an idea for Tatl to be the security guard what has the world come to/j

AND WHO TAKES MOTHERFUCKING WILLIAM AFTON'S PLACE????? GANON?????? MIND YOU I DIDN'T THINK THIS THROUGH I ONLY THOUGHT OF A VAGUE CONCEPT AND SOME STORYLINE BECAUSE I REALIZED IT AND I WENT "AINT NO WAY THIS IS PERFECT"

Alright alright, so SOME STORYLINE I THOUGHT UP

Mask has two older sisters, Saria who is 12 and Navi who is 14. Mask himself is ten, don't ask how they're literally all two years apart, I don't know either 🤡

So, they had good parents. They were really good parents actually! (Or they could've actually been really bad,,,) But then they died somehow and some way. Be creative! The siblings get sent to an orphanage afterwards, but they really don't wanna split and end up in different houses (completely reasonable, I'd say), but then maybe that does happen! A couple might want to adopt one out of the three, maybe even two out of the three, but not all of them. They don't really like that of course, so they could possibly avoid it and run away! Yk,,, bonus points if the reason is even sadder. BONUS BONUS POINTS IF THEY DO GET SEPARATED. BONUS BONUS BONUS POINTS IF THEY GET SEPARATED AND MASK TRIES TO RUN AFTER THEM BUT GETS LOST.

So, this could go Multiple Ways. They could get the hell outta there and just decide to live alone, a pretty bad idea in hindsight, but they make it work! Navi, however, decided to go off into a near arcade restaurant thing because they needed the food and she decided to go and try sneaking some out! It was a stupid idea, especially because they knew children were going missing in there, but Navi promised to be careful and return as soon as possible! The younger two let her go even if they REALLY REALLY REALLY don't think it's a good idea, and surprise surprise she doesn't come back! Saria and Mask are, of course, WORRIED. BECAUSE OH GOD THATS IN THEIR WORST NIGHTMARES.

They faithfully wait for her to come back, being sure to get themselves as much food and water as they could. Mask is good at sneaking, so he can do a pretty good job at that! If only the stores hadn't started to catch on 💀.....

It eventually becomes WAY TOO LONG for Navi to be missing, and as the days go by, the two get even MORE worried for their older sister. Now, Saria gets the idea to go look for her in the arcade thing that hasn't been decided on what it is yet unless we decide to completely go by SB and make it something like the megaplex. So Mask is REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REEEEALLLYYYY reluctant on letting Saria go, but against his 100% better judgement he lets her go look. He doesn't really like the idea, because he REALLY doesn't wanna lose both his sisters, but what's he supposed to do?! Nobodies gonna listen to a little kid!

He ended up being right, because Saria didn't return either.

He has a dreadful feeling in his stomach, one of worry, because OH GOD BOTH HIS SISTERS ARE MISSING NOW 😭😭😭. It takes him around a week? Maybe less? To go look for his sisters. And then this spirals down to the haywire animatronics (Warriors being an acception) and the horrors to behold of getting tracked down by blood hungry animatronics and some creepy lookin' lizard who WANTS HIM MCFUCKIN DEAD

Okay so, he honestly just sneaks into the place by trailing along with a huge crowd. Nobody even notices he's there, which is honestly by SHEER LUCK, but he'll take it. He spends some time sneaking around, looking for his sisters before he gets sidetracked by something cool in the building. A security guard tries to lure him away, but he doesn't really think that's normal and he basically nopes the security guard and runs as fast as possible, security guard hot on his trail.

Now around this time, Warriors could malfunction and leave Mask a PERFECT hiding spot, OR, if the animatronics end up looking more humanoid than like animals, he hides in Warrior's green room! He hides anywhere he knows the security guard won't find him, and eventually, a malfunctioned Wars is brought in the room!

BUT THATS JUST ONE OUTCOME.

THERES SO MUCH THAT COULD HAPPEN WITH THE DIFFERENT MENTIONED OUTCOMES I IGNORED WRITING, and I'll write more later it's just late and I'm tired and energetic at the same time 🤝, there's so many plot holes I could fix that huge plot hole in a different story I'm making with it 🤡🤡🤡, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LISTENING TO A NEW RAMBLE I'LL WRITE MORE LATER HAHAHAHA

[bitchwork]

Your one. Wild and precious.

The most salient thing about finding the lump was my lack of worry. I had my regular gynecologist appointment coming up and figured I’d mention it then. This is notable because I’m a known hypochondriac. (Side note: doesn’t it feel like it should be “hypERchondriac”?) Anyway, to give an example, I’d pulled a muscle in my back a few months before and became convinced that the pain was actually from a tumor on my spine that had finally grown big enough to make itself known. I spent an evening googling symptoms of bone cancer. That’s the kind of cancer that animates my nightmares. For some reason, breast cancer never really caught my imagination. It seemed too feminine, too pink, too popular. I had the irrational but strong belief (how often those two go together) that my breasts weren’t big enough to cause any problems. 

When Dr. Ruby confirmed the presence of the lump, she said, “You’ve earned yourself a mammogram and an ultrasound,” and I swear I felt a flash of pride like I’d gotten 100% on a test. After so many health fears had come to naught, I had finally correctly diagnosed myself with something. A lump. She said it was almost certainly a cyst but I needed to get it checked out. “I can’t pretend I didn’t feel it,” she said, then amended, “Well I could, but I shouldn’t.” She tells me – and I confirmed this – that 90% of newly discovered breast lumps turn out to be benign. This fact didn't stop me from descending into existential despair over the next week.  

Two days later, I was in Brooklyn visiting M for a long-planned weekend in the city. He’s either a good or a bad person to be around for something like this. He’s had his own health fears, so he’s genuinely empathetic, but because he’s pessimistic about the body’s ability not to totally fuck everything up, there’s the feeling when you’re talking to him about your lump that although he’s telling you it’ll be fine, what he’s thinking is how sad it is that you’re gonna die. 

Over that weekend, I cycled repeatedly through the stages of grief, but spent most of the time jumping from denial to acceptance of my imminent death and back again. I got so far ahead of myself that there were times when I was actually already dead. It’s not just that the lump would be found to be cancerous. It’s that it would be found to be terminal and the only question would be how long I had. I felt that I could work with two years. This seemed like long enough that death could still feel unreal. Long enough that other people I knew could conceivably die before me, a possibility that I found comforting. If not two years, then I didn’t want more than a week. Long enough to surround myself with loved ones but not so long that I could be expected to get a good start on a memoir. 

I walked around Brooklyn feeling the sun on my face. Oh beautiful sun. How I’ve loved thee from afar. I wondered how old John Keats was when he died of tuberculosis. “I already got more time than a lot of people,” I told M. I think of a friend of a friend, a promising young woman, who had died in a horrific car crash right after college. Now that’s unfair. I’m 37. At one time that would have been considered a ripe old age.

We go see The Zone of Interest and afterwards go home and watch Deep Impact. This double feature of death was a mistake. By the end of the night I feel bereft, although I did have a Deep Impact based realization. I’d never really understood making a huge deal about the world ending, because we already know the world ends. It happens when we die. But as I watched our asteroid-spotting hero running up a mountain to escape the tidal wave that had already killed Tea Leoni and her feckless father, I realized that it actually would be way sadder to die knowing everyone else was dying too. This realization made me feel spiritually generous and a little less morose about my quickly approaching end. At least the world would go on without me. 

By the time I went to my mammogram appointment a week later, I’d roped so many people into this little psychodrama that I was starting to get the appeal of cancer. People really seemed to care! Everyone should die twice. That way you could really enjoy it the first time. 

After the mammogram I get an ultrasound and then lie on the gurney in the darkened room waiting for the doctor to come and confirm my fate. The doctor does come. He’s young. Beautiful boy. So much life left to live. He tells me matter of factly that from what they can see on the mammogram, it’s not likely to be cancer. I still need to get a biopsy, but he declares the whole situation low risk and walks out as I sniffle into a tissue.  

I read that people who identify as hypochondriacs die an average of five years earlier than those who don’t. This is the hard truth about hypochondria, one day you’ll be right. But that day is not today.   

The euphoria doesn’t hit for a few hours, but when it does. It does. This is the secret upside to letting yourself completely unravel. The hypochondriac’s little prize, which is actually not so little. When your fear comes to nothing you have the elation of someone who has narrowly escaped death. You’re not just back to where you were. You’re better than ever. Music tastes like ice cream. Ice cream feels like cocaine. Were you actually close to death? No. But that doesn’t matter to your brain, which can’t tell the difference between a lion and a door slamming kind of loud in your vicinity. 

You realize this is what you could do with your one wild and precious life. Instead of living, perform death. Be carried from one little hysteria to the next. The perfect narrative arc over and over until it’s over. Luckily by that time you’ll be so good at it. It’ll be perfect. You’ll have finally gotten it right.  

(Ed note: Biopsy confirmed lump to be benign. Phew.)

[heavencasteel420]

Can you do director’s commentary on Nancy’s letter drafts to Jonathan? 🥹 The one where she pretends she got Barb back killed me

Thank you for the ask! I'm so glad you liked the Barb letter; it was a late addition and I'm very fond of it myself.

(Some discussion of suicide and Billy being gross below the cut, not beyond what appears in the fic.)

Okay, so first of all, the Regular Letter:

Dear Jonathan,

I hope that you're doing well. I thought I would write to you to ask how things are going in Indianapolis. I know we didn’t really talk when you were still in Hawkins, but I was thinking about you the other day and wanted to see how you were.

What’s it like living in a city? I know it’s just Indianapolis, but I bet the record stores are better. I remember you liked all that art rock stuff. It’s probably nice to be in a place with more kinds of people, too. It gets a little boring around here.

Things are about the same for me. School is going well, even though I’m about to tear my hair out over chemistry. I’m still going out with Steve Harrington. You are probably making a face now and thinking “Ugh, Steve Harrington.”He’s actually matured a lot, though. And maybe you’re actually wondering why he’d go out with dorky Nancy Wheeler. Well, I haven’t matured a lot. I guess I’m about the same.

Do you remember Barb Holland, my best friend? There hasn’t been any news since you moved away. I don’t think she would’ve gone to Indianapolis, but could you keep an eye out for her?

Mom and Dad and Mike and Holly are all doing well. I hope you are, too.

Sincerely,

Nancy

Nancy's being so normal right now! She's very carefully trying not to brush up against any of the things about Jonathan's life that might be hard or weird or bad, which is difficult because all she has to go on is that he lives in Indianapolis with his dad and not in a mental hospital. (She remembers his taste in music, though!) She's sharing totally benign news about her own life

...and yet she's already getting a little weird with it. She brings up Jonathan's presumed dislike of Steve when (a) that's not something he ever shared with her and (b) it's not really a lighthearted topic, given that Jonathan's reason for disliking Steve is his obvious disdain for the Byers family. (I did have a draft where she says "ugh, Steve Harrington" in the letter she sends to Jonathan, and Jonathan's like "yes, Nancy, that's exactly how I said it, because I'm actually a Valley Girl now, how did you know?")

Her self-loathing also creeps in, albeit in a mild way. Her reasons for feeling not good enough for Steve are way sadder than her initial insecurity over him being cooler and slightly older, but she's still acting like Nice Girl Nancy in this letter so she reverts to that. And of course she asks about Barb.

(She crumpled up this letter and put it in the wastebasket because she thought it sounded too stupid.)

Now...the Mean Letter.

Dear Jonathan,

How are you doing? It doesn’t matter, because I’m about to make it worse, just like I always do. Maybe you remember the day I came up to you in the hallway and said I was sorry about Will. Maybe you don’t, because too many horrible things happened afterwards and there’s no reason you’d remember one wimpy girl offering her pathetic condolences. Either way, that’s maybe the last nice thing I ever did, and it wasn’t much.

Nancy's mostly being mean to herself here, but this would also be a super-fucked-up letter to send to Jonathan. She's just so angry at herself that she's indulging this fantasy of being horrible to other people, too.

Why am I writing to you, then, when I never talked to you when it might have actually helped? Well, hear me out: I was drinking in your old house with a bunch of kids who used to make fun of you for being weird and poor. That’s what people do in your old house now: drink and stare at the evidence of your mom losing her mind, like a bunch of ghouls. Tommy Hagan was one of them. Remember how he used to say you’d murdered Will? He feels kind of bad about it since you tried to kill yourself. Anyway, I drank too much bourbon and hallucinated your brother’s ghost. Just thought I’d let you know, in case you were nostalgic for the worst three months of your life. God, I hope they were the worst.

She's more actively ashamed of hanging out in his old house now (although, being Nancy, she's eventually going to be like "well, I did find Will's ghost, though!"). She's also recognizing that, even if she wrote it in a nice way, bringing up this false hope has the potential to be incredibly cruel.

What else is new? I let Billy Hargrove (you don’t know him, he moved here after you went away, but he’s an asshole) touch my boobs at a party, even though I’ve been going out with Steve Harrington for a year. I know Steve was always rude and snotty to you, but, trust me, I’m way worse than he is. I think Barb would hate the person I am now. Maybe she already knew I would turn out like this, and that’s why she left.

Her self-loathing is sharper and more specific here. She's not just hateful; Barb would hate her, and she caused Barb's disappearance by being awful. This is, of course, pretty nonsensical, given that (a) Barb couldn't predict the future and (b) if Barb could see what Nancy was going through, she would recognize that her drinking and her brittleness and her apathy are the result of losing her. She would be very sad!

I almost hope that’s true. If she left because she hated me, that would mean that she decided to leave, instead of being taken away. That would mean maybe she’s okay.

Anger is easier for Nancy to deal with than the grief underneath it, but the grief still works its way into the letter. She's probably a little drunk when she writes this.

I could probably get sued or even arrested for writing this letter. Recklessly using the U.S. Postal Service to inflict emotional distress or something. Maybe you can tell your dad to stop trying to sue the quarry and set his sights on Queen Bitch Nancy Wheeler instead.

I don’t know why I’m saying all of this to you. You don’t deserve it.

Sincerely yours,

Nancy

Again, this would be a fucked-up thing to say if she ever sent the letter, regardless of Jonathan's feelings about his dad. She scribbles over and tears up this letter, partly because she's horrified by it and partly because she really doesn't want Karen to find it. Karen totally goes through her stuff.

And the Barb Letter!

Dear Jonathan,

I know it’s probably weird to get a letter from me. We only really knew each other through Mike and Will, but you were always nice to them even when they (almost always Mike, let’s be honest) made me want to tear my hair out. I’m really sorry about everything that happened, and I should have written sooner. In my defense, a lot of things have been going on.

This is the only letter where Nancy really talks about Mike, who is mentioned throughout the non-letter parts of the chapter as being depressed and withdrawn. She's both concerned about and detached from his suffering; it doesn't occur to her to reach out to him herself. It's only in the fantasy letter than she can really acknowledge him.

When you left Hawkins, I was still going out with Steve Harrington and my best friend Barb was still missing. Neither of those things are true anymore. Steve was actually a good boyfriend. I know he wasn’t always great in other ways, but he really tried to be there for me when Barb was gone. I wasn’t a very good girlfriend. I was just sad all the time and picked fights with his friends. Not that it’s hard to get into fights with Tommy and Carol, but mostly I hated them for not being Barb.

After she came home, there wasn’t really any reason for us to keep dating. I just wanted to spend time with Barb and he didn’t feel like he had to look after me. He’s with Chrissy Cunningham now. You probably remember her—she was always really sweet and cute, and she made the cheerleading squad sophomore year. She’s good at it, too. Anyway, I’m really happy for her and Steve.

Deep down, Nancy knows what she wants and needs to let Steve go, at least as a boyfriend, but that's excruciatingly hard when she cares about him and he's her only friend...except for maybe Tommy and Carol, whom she assumes would stop hanging out with her if she broke up with Steve. And she does have some positive feelings towards them, too.

Chrissy, of course, has her own problems, but to Nancy she's an avatar of Ideal Teenage Girlhood.

Barb really did run away. She took a bus way out West, to some little town in Nevada. She worked as a waitress and lived in a dirty house with a bunch of other girls. She says it was exciting sometimes, and the desert was beautiful, but mostly it was just hard and lonely. She wanted to come home pretty soon after she left, but she couldn’t face everyone after scaring them so badly. It was only after some asshole stole all her money that she called home.

Nancy has, without realizing it, constructed a Desert Hearts scenario for Barb in her head. She's going to hold onto that lesbian dream even though she is only barely aware that Barb might've been gay.

I was mad at her for maybe five seconds after I found out, because I’d worried something worse had happened, but I couldn’t stay that way. I was too happy to have her back. Besides, she was going through a lot of things I never knew about. I won’t go too much into it because it’s her private business, but she felt really alone and some of that was because of how I acted. She thought I was going to ditch her for Steve and his friends. I don’t think I would have. I love her too much. But I can understand why she thought so. I think some people can be good no matter what happens or who they’re with, but I’m not one of them. I didn’t like who I was with Steve and his friends, and it wasn’t even their fault. It was me.

Nancy's kind of overcorrecting here. Obviously she was not immune to peer pressure as a high school sophomore, but as we see in canon this is a function of youth and circumstances, not an essential wishy-washiness in her soul. This is the girl who, at a crucial popularity-making moment, offered her condolences to Jonathan when the people she was with clearly thought it was weird and unnecessary.

I wish I’d talked to you in between coming up to you at the bulletin board that day and writing this letter. I knew things were bad, that your mom wasn’t working or even leaving the house anymore, and you always looked so tired in school. My mom was worried about you both. I didn’t feel like I could do anything to help, because I was so messed up myself, but maybe it would’ve made a difference. Which is maybe why I’m writing now. I have no idea how things are for you in Indianapolis. I don’t expect you to write back to me and tell me. But, if you want to write me, I’d like to hear from you. Mike would probably also like to hear how you’re doing. He misses Will, too.

Yours truly,

Nancy

She's not being totally fair to herself here, either. Even Karen, an adult with some resources who cared about the Byers family and recognized there was a problem, couldn't figure out what to do on her own. But the instinct for noticing and connecting is a good one.

The Final Letter!

Dear Jonathan,

I’ve tried to write this letter a bunch of times, but I don’t think there’s any getting around the fact that I’m doing something weird. We never really talked before, except in passing. It wasn’t because I had bad feelings towards you. Our lives just seemed so different. You always seemed like a miniature adult, looking after your brother and working to pay the bills, while I was reading Seventeen with Barb and fantasizing about marrying Mikhail Baryshnikov.

This is a pretty blunt thing to say, that she noticed his life was hard and she found that alienating. She's getting farther and farther away from writing the letter the way she would to a real person; this is a note in a bottle, a message beamed into space.

Also, I strongly believe in younger Nancy's crush on ballet dancer and Soviet defector Mikhail Baryshnikov. My mom is almost an exact contemporary of Nancy's, and that was her junior high crush.

I almost didn’t come up to you at the bulletin board that day, because what could I say to you? My biggest problem was trying to date Steve Harrington without hurting Barb’s feelings or strangling his friends. Isn’t it strange that I thought that, and the very next day my own best friend disappeared and no one seemed to know what to say to me? Barb’s parents are the only other people I know who would understand, and of course it’s worse for them, but they’re so optimistic that she’ll come back that I feel like the worst person in the world around them. Because I think she’s dead. Maybe you remember me screaming in the hallway about it, after I broke my own hand. I don’t do crazy stuff like that anymore, but I still believe what I said. I can almost believe that Barb would run away, that something was making her so unhappy that she couldn’t stay in Hawkins and for some reason she couldn’t tell me what it was, but I can’t believe she would leave me and her parents without letting us know she was safe. She was responsible. She loved her parents. She loved me.

Nancy and Steve aren't regularly having dinner with the Hollands in this universe, because Nancy doesn't feel a special responsibility due to knowing the truth. They're still in town, though, and holding on to the hope that Barb is alive. This is part of why Nancy doesn't say anything to Jonathan about Will's voice; she knows how cruel hope can be.

She's a little more clear-headed here, though. No matter how bad she feels about her last moments with Barb, intellectually she recognizes that they probably weren't enough to drive Barb away and that something is off.

I feel like I moved to another country after she disappeared. Everyone else I know is still in America and I’m in Kiribati. Do you feel that way, too, or is it different because you’re in a new place? I’m not trying to say our situations are exactly the same, but I think you might understand what I’m feeling more than anyone in Hawkins. Why didn’t I talk to you before? I saw you, drifting through the halls like a ghost, and I felt bad.

She's not consistently keeping in mind that he might read this letter. She's expressing compassion here, but she's also calling him a ghost, which is pretty messed-up.

I don’t really understand why I did anything back then, honestly. Did you know I poured pig blood all over Officer Callahan’s car last May? (His personal car, not his cop car—I wasn’t that stupid.) He acted like a pig the first time I talked to him and Officer Powell about Barb disappearing, making it all about how I had sex with Steve Harrington that night. He did that in front of my mom, and he looked really pleased with himself for embarrassing me. Like he was knocking me down a peg for thinking I had something important to tell the police, and that was way more important to him than the fact that Barb was in danger. I guess I was still stewing about it months later, because I got drunk and bitched about it to Carol—you remember Carol Perkins? Big hair, bigger mouth?—and she said I should do something about it. So she and Tommy Hagan helped me get some pig’s blood and dump it all over his car the very next week. I think that’s why I’m still friends with them. They’re assholes sometimes, but it wasn’t easy to get all that pig’s blood.

Nancy "Fuck Tha Police" Wheeler, everyone. Powell and Callahan are mostly comic figures in the show, but their behavior when they're questioning Nancy in front of her mom in S1 is so incredibly gross, especially Callahan's.

Carol and Nancy might not get along, but she's not gonna let some sleazy cop insult her sort-of friend! Tommy was like "oh, this fucks, actually" about it.

This is another instance where Nancy is being super-frank, in a way she might not be if she really expected an answer from Jonathan.

Steve—I’m still going out with Steve Harrington—thought we took it a little too far. He’s nicer than me, and he was worried about me getting in trouble. I did, of course. Callahan didn’t press charges, but my parents had to pay for repairs. Dad was so confused. He actually asked if I wanted people to think I was a Manson Girl. Mom made me go see a psychiatrist, who was almost as disgusting as Callahan. I didn’t even know a woman could be that gross. All she wanted to do was talk about why I had sex with Steve when we hadn’t been going out that long. Like wanting to have sex with a good-looking guy made me a nympho and that was the real problem. I don’t know if you’ve seen a psychiatrist, but, if you have, I hope it was actually helpful and not a stupid, humiliating waste of time.

Nancy kind of gets off the hook for being a nice white middle-class girl, plus all of Hawkins knows why she's Like That. Karen's intentions are good, but Ted's indifference is a powerful force, especially when the first psychiatrist is bad.

She's sort of acknowledging some uncomfortable facts about Jonathan's life now, and maybe kind of fishing for info.

Mom stopped making me go pretty soon, at least, since I’d calmed down and Dad kept pestering her about the bill. I still do messed-up stuff, but I’m sneakier about it. I drink a lot. Bourbon is my favorite. I also let this really sleazy new senior, Billy Hargrove, put his hand on my boob at a party this Halloween. It wasn’t a surprise or anything. He gave me more than enough time to say “I have a boyfriend” or move away. I wanted to let him, because he was looking at me like I was something gross he’d stepped in, and that was how I felt.

Billy makes a move on Nancy mostly because she's Steve's girlfriend and he feels the need to knock Steve down a peg so Billy can be the Big Man on Campus. (This may also be a way to channel his own attraction to Steve—either way, it’s not very nice to Nancy.) But he’s also intrigued by how much she hates it. Also, this isn’t a case where Nancy freezes up, but that could have very well been what was happening so Billy is doing something kind of shitty.

You probably don’t want to hear any of this. I would understand if you threw this letter in the garbage. Even if you do, I want to let you know I’m glad you’re alive. That was the only good thing to come out of this whole mess.

Love,

Nancy

Nancy lashes out and distances herself a lot in this fic, but she has a lot of kindness in her heart and she really means this, partly just because Jonathan is a fellow human being and partly because she’s holding onto the idea that someone got out of Hawkins and was able to be happy. This is also pretty blunt of her—she’s acknowledging the suicide attempt—but in this case her directness is actually pretty necessary. He hasn’t heard this much, if ever, between Joyce not knowing he tried to kill himself and Lonnie refusing to acknowledge (to him, anyway) that the attempt was serious.

[chxna-cheeseycake]

Thinking too much about my most recent Dante and Gene based AU inspired by Undertale and Deltarune... the brain worms are taking over I fear. Also!! They are making me sooo ill in this AU (in a positive way though).

Gene and Dante are so heavily Asriel and Chara coded and it just pains me greatly even though I'm the one that created the damn story. With Gene, the guilt of what happened to Dante eats him alive which then motivates him to make such questionable decisions (and unfortunately leaves him vulnerable to Shad's manipulation). Gene really was trying his best to help everyone in this AU but he screws up so much because he really doesn't know what he's doing. He's offered not only immense power but Shad convinces him that helping Shad can help bring Dante back from the dead. It's sadder too because this AU is Mystreet and MCD and this specific version of Gene that the AU focuses on is the Mystreet one. So Gene did get his redemption arc that he gets in canon (albeit written better) only to have all that progress get thwarted because of his very unfortunate mistakes. He just wanted to save his friends and his brother but nothing went according to plan which made things so much messier than they had to be.

And bro don't even get me started on Dante's role in the AU because I could go insane from how much I want to rant about him. He's so much like Chara in the sense that he had so many problems just like them but just never got the proper help for it. His self-loathing problems were so intense that he just genuinely thought sacrificing himself to save the world of Mystreet (right in front of his brother no less) was the only purpose he had anymore. He was so very sure that his own friends didn't care about him anymore yet he still wanted to give his life and soul for them. Dante hated himself but he still saw the worth his friends lives had. He ripped out his own soul/essence and caused his physical body to disintegrate because of his love for other people. And then afterwards he becomes a ghost without a soul, leaving him virtually emotionless. Which is fucked because imagine dying because you loved and cared for others too much only to then become an almost emotionless husk of your former self that questions even why you died for people that might not even care for you in the long run. I mean he doesn't stay that way forever but it happens and surely messes Dante up a little once he gets his soul back (sorta it's complicated buutttt... at least he gets his emotions back so whateves).

I am very evil when it comes to my favorite characters. If they are not suffering for my own amusement then I am not satisfied <3 I give them a happy-ish ending though so it's worth it. I mean... Dante's still dead and Gene will need some extensive therapy but they're better and happier than before so I call that a win.

Anyways, I'll probably make a bigger and lengthier post on this AU later because I am cringe but free and therefore I won't give a shit what people think about my Mystreet/MCD OC being the main character of the AU <3