#but most of the time she acts like a eccentric gremlin

[eveledoze]

I need to know what you were like

[sandbees]

Okay I was thinking about how the other charathers that Arent the great Seven would react to the NRC students in the house of mouse AU. Like i can Imagine Azul asking Ariel if She wants ti make a deal with him and Ariel Is like "lol no", or the First year see Cruella de vil at One of the tables and they are like "She look so much like Crewel that She's giving us PTSD" or kalim and Aladdin becoming buddies :D.

Well, let me put in some headcannons then:

Word goes around that some of the Great Disney villains come to visit Yuu and everyone gets jealous.

So now whenever Yuu goes to work they always get asked to have them visit their world.

So, Yuu just says, “Meh ok, you guys can visit me whenever just ask one of the Great Seven or go through the mirror in my dressing room-“

And suddenly Yuu gets someone they met from the House of Mouse ever other day. It’s literal chaos and Yuu doesn’t know if they should feel exasperated or flattered.

Anyways, here’s some interactions between the dorms and some Disney Characters:

Heartslybul: Obviously when Alice comes to visit, she comments on how Heartslybul reminds her of the Queen of Hearts’ garden. When Yuu mentions that they paint the roses red, Alice sarcastically asks, “Does the dorm leader behead people who don’t paint the roses?” “...Well, he’s more lenient now but...” “...You’re serious?”

Ace and Alice get along swimmingly, basically quick quips and a lot of teasing. Yuu regrets introducing them to each other because they know the two are going to get into some sort of trouble. Deuce also gets along with Alice, though he can get lost in Alice’s rambles in imagination.

I think Alice would get along with Trey and Cater. I mean, they both give big brother vibes (Trey more than Cater). Trey would give Alice some tarts and Alice is like, “....He’s cool.”

Cater is going to take a bunch of pictures, and Alice is very curious about the device he’s holding (I don’t think phones or the internet existed during Alice’s time so...). Cater ends up teaching Alice about the internet and phones.

Riddle...ohhh noo. Once Alice broke one of the 810 rules and Riddle lightly scolded her for it. Alice thinks most of the rules are ridiculous and while Riddle has toned down on being strict, he’ll quickly get annoyed with Alice questioning the rules. There’s rules for a reason! The dorm was founded on these rules!!

Savannaclaw: It’s Simba, obviously. He’s curious to see the dorm after his...nefarious uncle. It’s much more nicer than he expected, though he’s a little off put by the dorm’s...rowdiness.

But he’s impressed with the Magishift practices they have when Yuu showed them.

He likes Jack, right off the bat. Jack has this sense of justice that he can relate to. I think they would get along pretty well. Oh, and probably how strong and buff Jack is.

Simba is wary of Ruggie, due to him being a hyena beastmen. He has...bad memories of hyenas. His wariness is correct, since Ruggie has tried to swindle Simba and Yuu to do some of his work. Does the relationship get better? Only if Yuu makes them hang out with each other haha.

Leona reminds Simba of Scar...to a certain degree. Lazy, cunning, and has this look where it seems like he could be planning something nefarious...

Ok, maybe not that bad, but Simba is weary of Leona. He kind of expected a character similar to Scar since this is the dorm based on him but...still. It’s really odd. It’s kind of rocky, but if Cheka comes over to visit, well...it could get better.

I mean, Leona does find Cheka annoying and calls him a brat but...Simba can tell there’s no malicious desire towards Cheka, which raises Leona’s “evil people don’t interact” list. That doesn’t mean Leona’s in the clear, but he’s ok.

Octavinelle: Surprise, surprise, it’s Ariel! She comes over, human legs and all. (Don’t worry! She got them from the nicer sorcerers). She wanted to visit Yuu and see how great NRC was! They had fun, and then they went to Mostro Lounge.

Ariel is terrified of the Tweels. They give her this...off putting feeling and they’re very intimidating. She does not trust them at all. She does like how they get up close and how they speak as if she’s some poor soul waiting to be taken advantage over.

That’s also why she does not trust Azul at all. He reminds Ariel of Ursula - especially when he tries making a contract with her. Uh-uh, no way. Never again.

This leads to Ariel dubbing NRC a dangerous place for Yuu to stay at. Why doesn’t Yuu come live with her and her family back at her world? Surely it’s much more safer than here! Why, Melody already sees Yuu as a big sibling so why not just stay at the castle permanently?

Ursula fumes at the thought of her enemy trying to take Yuu away and become their parent. That’s her role, dammit!

Scarabia: Kalim invites Aladdin, actually. It’s the most funniest scenario. Yuu mentioned to Kalim about the street rat that wooed the princess and Kalim says, “:00 WE SHOULD INVITE HIM!!” Jamil sighs and facepalms.

It’s actually going great! Aladdin is kind of shocked at the big party that Kalim threw, but it was a great welcome. He’s shook that Kalim apparently trusted Aladdin enough to show him the treasury room. “It’s open for all of the dorm to use! I don’t need much of it!”

Wasn’t NRC rumored to be a villain’s school??? What is this ball of sunshine doing here???

Actually, the Scarabia duo are good in his eyes. Sure, a little rough around the edges with Kalim being a bit too naive and Jamil being more of a watching snake, but they’re better than what he expected. Aladdin gets along with them pretty well!

And then they go on a carpet ride when Kalim introduces Aladdin to his magic flying carpet.

Yuu and Jamil scream at the two of them to get down as they fly across the night sky.

Pomfiore: oh no. Oh no no no. Snow White visiting Pomfiore is like...Neige visiting.

Vil is cold to Snow White, and she knows why. She’s seen the images that Yuu had of this “Neige Leblanc”. He certainly reminds her of her younger days. Which is why she completely understands why Vil is so standoffish of her.

What she doesn’t expect is Rook singing her praises and also kind of...watching her. It’s low key creepy but Yuu says it’s normal and since he doesn’t mean any harm Snow White lets it slide. They do have a good conversation though. Snow White learns to understand Rook’s...eccentric hobbies.

Epel and Snow White go together like apples and oranges. They go pretty well together, but they have contrasting differences. They could be passed of as siblings with their cute looks, as much as Epel hates to admit it. Though I’d like to think they have this “Soft big sister with a gremlin of a little brother” dynamic. Or “Big sister that is harmless but has a badass little bother” dynamic. Just...a cool sibling dynamic, basically.

Ignihyde: Hercules comes by when he hears that a dorm was based off of Hades. He had to see what it was like. He expected the doom and gloom, but he didn’t expect all the technology.

He and Ortho go along swimmingly. I mean, he’s pretty chill around the more upbeat and cheery dorm member, at least. (Seriously, the others were such buzzkills). He also gets a good impression on Idia when Ortho affectionately talks about his big brother! Wow, so the kids here do have a heart! Unlike Hades-

Ok, so as much as Ortho talks so highly of Idia, Hercules does not see how Ortho does. I mean, Idia is a complete shut in and gloomy recluse! Why do you stick around him?! It isn’t until he speaks his mind about that comment does Ortho turn into a crazy murder machine. (“How DARE you speak of that about my brother!!”) Yuu has to save Hercules and the entire dorm before Ortho blows up the school.

So now Hercules sees how inseparable the two are and how much they care for each other, which yeah, that’s pretty cool. (Is also low key jealous, how come his half brothers weren’t like that?)

Diasomnia: Aurora visits with Maleficent. Both do not share ill will after their stories are completed. They actually do make amends. So Maleficent invited Aurora to see her grandson, and Aurora politely accepts.

They have tea with Malleus, and it is a very pleasant conversation. Aurora gets along well with Malleus, even suggesting maybe she should invite him and Maleficent to her kingdom one day. (Maybe when she gives birth to a beautiful baby. Maleficent liked that)

Lilia is also a fun one to be around! Aurora was so surprised by his scare that she had laughed. Ah, what a funny fae! Why, she hadn’t laughed this hard since...well, never. She likes Lilia and will come by if she needs a good laugh.

Poor Sebek though....he acts all uptight around Aurora because she’s a Queen and also aquatinted with Maleficent...he must be respectful to her at all costs! It takes a long time for Sebek to at least act a little casual around her. Maleficent says it’ll take some time, though Aurora isn’t sure if that time will come on her lifetime...but for the meantime, she is still happy to be around Sebek’s presence and have pleasant conversations with him.

Aurora and Silver...ok, let me say this: they got along during a sleepover. The Diasomnia gang + Maleficent and Aurora had a sleepover in the dorms to “better know each other”. I also think Aurora would feel sympathy for Silver if the conversation of him tending to fall asleep came up. Heavens knows she still has her sleepy spells even after her curse was broken.

Also- wofhenod I just imagine Aurora and Silver walking in the forest together and a bunch of animals surround them. (Yuu finds them and cries when they actually attracted a bunch of adorable puppies (or whatever animal you find cute). Cute, adorable animals that are so gentle with them that they start to cry due to stress from being at NRC (Silver and Aurora look at Yuu with concern and gently start comforting them)

Winfendien Suddenly I want a twin dynamic with Silver and Aurora. Even a sibling dynamic would be cool. Just two sleepy siblings that won’t hesitate to kick your ass.

[goodmode]

Spark Knight Klee! 13,15,23,25.

13. Your favorite friendship they have

with Razor! you really get the sense that razor is perturbed by this Fire Gremlin doing arson in the woods but also very protective of her i think. meanwhile klee will pause in the middle of blowing stuff up and causing chaos and point directly at razor and go "THAT'S MY BESTEST FRIEND FROM THE WOODS" and razor will be like :) ???? and forget he's supposed to be stopping her one-man wildfire operation for a few seconds

15. Worst storyline they had

WHOOF i dunno how to approach this one because klee's screentime has all been pretty charming to me. i guess the aspect of klee's general story that makes me a little "hmm" is more to do with Alice than it is to do with klee

if she's actually working/writing a travel guide and also seems to be checking in regularly like some kind of omnipotent invisible force of nature and does this enough to know who the traveller is and that they can be trusted with klee etc (from the archipelago thing) then ??? you could argue klee's safe, watched closely, and in very good hands and is having an ace childhood, and alice will probably be back very soon considering we're like one step behind her and there's only like 4 more nations to go.

but nobody can decide how to feel about her or her relationship with klee because one minute she's leaving her child behind to go be insane and pitch ideas for hilichurl cannibalism perpetual motion machines and the next it's like well she's a legit writer with a publishing deal and left her kid with capable babysitters so what can we take away from this. more alice content is sorely needed lmao

23. Future headcanon

i see this all the time but mannn. who says magical elf longevity has to be a grimdark depressing cold reality.... i simply cannot believe it. klee is a ray of sunshine and i firmly believe that she will grow up into a bigger ray of sunshine and that will be that. people without lifespans that long will die before her, of course they will, and she will learn to deal with that in her own way. i also think  klee will be as batshit insane as her mother when she grows up but will have her serious moments and be very, very in touch with people (because albedo and kaeya and jean and everyone in the favonius hq count as Exposure To Lots Of Types Of People and will impress on her the things they wish they were taught)

i also think she will become... let’s say mondstadt’s secret weapon. if anything threatens mondstadt after klee becomes an adult i think the offending party would simply find themselves ground zero of a nuclear-level Pyro detonation. rumours will spread about the Red Witch or whatever fun title people will make up about her. she will be feared across the land by everyone who hasn’t met her. people who meet her will be like “oh thank god she’s just a weird eccentric lady who smiles all the time” and they will try to pull some shit and klee will explode them into cinders. Spell of Instakills You Cutely. mondstadt has nothing to fear but fear itself (by which i mean klee) (she loves it here though don’t worry)

25. When do you think they acted the most ooc

hard to put my finger on it but obviously whenever anyone writes a small child into a fictional narrative they will sometimes end up acting and speaking in ways that no actual small child would. this happens a lot with klee but usually the suspension of disbelief of “she’s a magic elf in a fantasy world where kids are generally built different” can carry me through it

(askmeme source)

[cynnied-writes]

i like me better (when i'm with you)

○ fandom: deltarune

○ main pairing: kralsei (kris x ralsei) | minor pairing: suselle (susie x noelle)

○ characters: kris | ralsei | susie | rouxls kaard | w.d. gaster

○ genre/warnings: romance (mostly fluff… for now) | a bit of coming of age angst

○ tags: fake dating | celebrity au | social media au | meet ugly | kris is a tiktok musician | ralsei is an aged-out disney channel star | kris is afab | house parties | slightly underage drinking | mentions of blood | mild nudity | kris is a bit of a mess but we love them anyway | AND ralsei is too! | Aren't they perfect for each other??

○ chapter word count: 8,474

→ summary: Kris Dreemurr, the eccentric musician SilentKnight on TikTok, hadn't meant to trespass through Ralsei Prince's backyard and fall into his pond. But to be fair, they were utterly plastered at the time.

○ note: We're finally here! The end of the First Act! And we get to see Kris reacts and Ralsei's fake dating gambit! You probably know how they answer, but it's the journey to get to their answer that's the fun part. Oh, and there should be a brief appearance from another Human. Hmm, I wonder who. No spoilers from me, so, now, off with you! I hope you enjoy!!

< PREV CHP | NEXT CHP > | CHP INDEX

Chapter 5/22: Songwriting in Closets & Insane Proposals

Kris

In the dark of their closet, Kris wrote.

They’d found that, when cloaked in darkness in a tight space, melodies drifted into their mind easier. For hours they used to sit in the front door closet, amongst the winter coats and all their old shoes, scribbling things in their notebook. Until their mother would call them for lunch or dinner, and they’d crawl out like the gremlin they were. Bones and muscles stiff, eyes stinging from the light of the outside world, but their mind freer than can be.

But in their small studio apartment, their mother was nowhere to be seen, thank the Angel. So, from the moment they’d woken up in the wee hours of Saturday morning, they’d headed into their closet. Hadn’t come out since. MIDI keyboard sitting in their lap, headphones hooked up to their laptop, and, most importantly, their songwriting notebook balanced on their knee.

Technically, they were supposed to be producing content for their TikTok like usual. Nothing too hard, mainly synthwave covers of songs and whatnot. They found themself drifting away from the task at hand, though.

Unable to stop themself from getting lost in their thoughts and writing snippets of lyrics down in their worn notebook. From testing out melodies and motifs on their keyboard, tiny thing that it is. Finding the sweet spot between the two and fleshing them out into makeshift songs. Originals, ones that the world’s never seen. Stories that they were ready to tell. Nothing too remarkable yet, but they could feel it in their bones. They were onto something.

So engrossed in their process of creation that they jumped and flung their headphone off as Susie burst through the door. Taking a moment to settle their racing heart, they scowled up at her. Curling up, they hissed at the pyjama-clad intruder and the onslaught of light that invaded the dark hideaway.

“Angel above, you’re weird. I know Ms. T made sure you have your shots, knock it off.” Susie said with a grimace. Their only response was a wide grin. Rolling her eyes, she held up their phone in a way that suggested it was somehow radioactive. “You left your phone.”

“I know.” They usually did on songwriting days. Knowing how their brain worked, if they brought it in with them, there was a good chance that they’d get nothing done.

“You know, I thought it’d be cool to know someone kinda famous," She said. "But this thing hasn’t stopped pinging for two weeks straight. Take it before I smash it into little tiny pieces.”

Chucking it at them, Susie gave them a sardonic salute before shutting the door behind her. Plunging them back into darkness. And like the child they were, Kris stuck their tongue out at the closed closet door. Placing their headphones back on their head with a half-hearted huff before leaning back up against the closet’s wall.

Guess they needed a break from writing anyway.

Yawning, they unlocked their phone. Nothing seemed all that new, notification-wise. A swath of new follower notifications from across all of their social media. They were still getting atted on Twitter for the whole Ralsei situation, but it was nothing too bad. Apparently, they’d made it into MonStar Teens magazine, which brought a smirk to their face. Oh, they’d have to see if they could find a copy at the Ralph’s up the street. Frame the page and everything.

There were also a couple of unread DMs and text messages from Noelle, Berdly, Asriel, and Ralsei. Nothing too out of the ordinary. They’d get to them, eventually, after they… they…

Wait.

Hold up.

Eyes wide, they tapped on the notification with Ralsei Prince’s name in bolded letters. Their phone’s tabs switched from Twitter to their Android’s messages app, revealing that Ralsei had sent several messages not too long ago.

RP: Hello, Kris. It’s Ralsei.

RP: I hope you’ve been well and that our, for lack of a better word, scandal hasn’t caused you too much grief. I know being in the public eye can be a less than pleasant experience.

RP: Oh, Darkness, I’m so sorry. This is likely so out of the blue. Your manager gave me your number so that personally invite you over. There’s something important I want to discuss with you in person.

RP: This is Kris Dreemurr, yes?

A million thoughts raced through their mind.

Most of it was some variation of ‘holy shit.’ Other parts were worried that the ‘important thing’ was actually negative. Maybe Noelle was right, and he wanted to sue them for oral… what was the word? Defamation? Yeah, that sounded right. He wanted to sue, and this was a polite way to warn them. And between all their silent freaking out, a stray thought was spent wanting to clown on Ralsei. Why did he write so formally in a text message? Like, come on.

They wouldn’t be surprised if he knew how to use a semicolon. Because he’s Ralsei Prince, a famous actor who appeared on magazine covers and red carpets. Who had undoubtedly gone to private schools and probably drank tea with the Queen. He’d texted them—them—wanting to talk about something. Ralsei Prince. HOLY SHIT!

Clutching their phone and smiling down at it like an idiot, another stray thought hit them like a steel bat. They needed to respond to him. But how? And on a dime, ‘holy shit’ became ‘oh, fuck’.

Shooting to their feet without a second thought, they almost tripped and broke their neck as they careened out of the closet. Letting out a hiss as they smacked their head on the door before managing to open it. Spilling out onto their fake wooden floors in a heap. Then, pushing themself onto two hands, they called out, “Susie, help!”

Groaning, the large lump in their shared bed only moved to curl in on herself. “Whatever’s happening on Twitter, leave me out of it.”

“It’s not Twitter.” They said as they got to their feet. Dashing over to their bed, they climbed over the lump and shoved their phone into her face. Glaring at the artificial light, she tried to bat their hand away, but they were persistent. “Look, look, looklooklook. Suz, please, it’s an emergency.”

She let out a guttural groan. “Ugh, this better be good.” Giving in, she grabbed their wrist to still their shaking hand long enough to read the screen. It wasn’t long before she shot up, the movement forcing Kris’ body to fall to the wayside of their bed while their wrist was still stuck in Susie’s grasp. Her jaw dropped, “Holy shit.”

“That’s what I said!”

“What the fuck?”

“I know!”

“What are you gonna do?” She asked, still staring down at the screen. Only to look up and narrow her eyes when they crinkled up their face and shrugged. “What do you mean you don’t know? One of the most famous monsters alive wants to tell you something important, and you don’t know what to say?”

“Of course not. I barely know what to say to a waiter. ’s why I came to ask you.”

“Dude, just text ’em back.”

Like they hadn’t thought of that. Rolling their eyes, Kris snatched their phone back and said, “Oh, it’s that easy, is it? Have you texted Noelle?”

Lifting her chin, she grinned, smug as ever. “I have.”

“You have?” They asked, with a slight smile, their woes temporarily forgotten.

“Yeah,” Susie said as she ducked her head, letting her bangs fall into her face. If she hadn’t, they knew they would’ve found that they had a front-row seat to a Susie Blush Fest. “We’re gettin’ fro-yo after our last classes on Monday.”

“Nice.” They nodded, raising up a hand to which Susie immediately high-fived them. But as soon as the rush of two friends finally coming together after years of pinning faded, they were left with their own problems. In a quiet voice, they asked, “What do I even say?”

“Here, give it back, jackass.”

Curled up on their bed, the two of them draft what they both agree is an appropriate text to send in reply. It took a tad longer than it should’ve, but they had to convince Susie not to add swear words and slang, to be fair. Which was hard because they, too, wanted to add them in. Since when were they the reasonable one. Ugh.

KD: Hey Ralsei. Long time no see. Yeah, it’s Kris don’t worry your horns you’ve got the right number. though I think I need to have a convo with my manager about giving my number out to strange men. 😏

Kris almost immediately regretted it the moment they sent it. The emoji was too much, too cringy. ‘Long time, no see,’ they’re texting, for crying out loud! How do you delete a text? How do you delete a text?

But in a manner of milliseconds, it didn’t matter. Their phone beeped as Ralsei responded before they could take anything back.

RP: Strange men? How strange could I be if I’ve seen you drunk and in your unmentionables? I’m afraid to ask precisely how intimate you are with your friends.

A loud, sharp laugh came from behind them as Susie settled her chin on their shoulder. “He’s got no idea.”

Throwing a glare at her, their thumbs flew across their phone’s keyboard. Okay, snark they could deal with.

KD: So has half the internet. you’re not special

“Nice.”

“Amazing play-by-play commentary from Susanna Drach.”

“Call me that again and I’ll chew your face off.”

Their phone dinged again, pulling both of their attention back.

RP: Well, then, to be fair to your manager, you gave this strange man your address weeks ago. Your phone number is, instead, a step-down.

KD: a self-doxxing. you hate to see it

RP: 😂😂 You truly do.

A smile wormed its way onto their lips as warmth filled their chest. Was it cringy to hope that they’d actually made him laugh? Probably. Forcing their face back to something more neutral, they went back to typing.

For a while, the two of them chatted back and forth. With Susie hovering over their shoulder and making little remarks along the way. Though at some point, even she got bored of them and went off in search of her late morning coffee. They’d hardly paid her any mind. Too wrapped up in texting Ralsei to care, forgetting that they’d only talked to him once, weeks ago. Forgetting that he’d been bumping elbows with LA’s elite for his whole life, that they’d watched him on TV religiously. He was just another friend.

Ding.

RP: That reminds me. Would you be available to meet my manager and I with your representative for lunch?

Oh, right.

The something important he’d been talking about in the beginning, they’d almost forgotten.

RP: All good things, don’t worry.

RP: Actually, if you agree to my proposal, it could end up being quite lucrative for you in the long run. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

RP: I know this is such short notice, but for my proposition, it’d be best to strike when the iron’s hot, you know?

“Why?” Kris asked out loud, under their breath.

Why in the world would he want anything to do with them?

Sure, they’d kind of bonded over nostalgic muffin recipes, but surely that wasn’t enough to endear them to him. And if their comment sections were anything to go by, quite a few of Ralsei’s followers think he should steer clear from them. And Kris couldn’t blame them. Getting caught with them again would ruin his charming, perfect boy image.

Think of all the rumours!

There was no way people wouldn’t think something was going on between the two of them. What could he get out of any kind of proposal that involved Kris? Was this his manager’s idea? To capitalize on all the buzz surrounding the two of them? If it was… They should decline. Save Ralsei the trouble of interacting with them when he really didn’t want to. Imagining those kind eyes of his filled with discomfort made their skin itch.

On the other hand, they did want to see him again.

Memories of them bantering back and forth replaying in their mind. And that opportunity, he said it’d be lucrative for them. What could that mean?

Perhaps he’d listened to their music and was a fan. Didn’t seem like the synthwavey type, but stranger things had happened. Maybe they’d actually done what they’d set out to do at that house party on that fateful night. The impossible, really. Charmed someone influential enough that they and their music had been “discovered.” Plucked out of obscurity and placed in the limelight. If that’s the case, they might not get another chance like this for years. Maybe ever.

RP: I’m baking cupcakes too!

And he’s baking cupcakes.

That had to count for something, right?

Taking a deep breath, they finally replied to Ralsei.

KD: sounds good I’ll be there

There was a beat, a moment of silence and stillness as they held their phone tight. Waiting for his response.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Until—

RP: Perfect!!!!

Like a popped balloon, they let out a happy, content sigh as they deflated, letting themself sink into their mattress. Staring up at their ceiling with a dumb smile on their face. This is it. This is it!

Ding!

RP: Your manager should have the address, but you’ll be meeting me at my beach house near Santa Barbara. It’s just off of the highway on Serenity Way.

KD: beach house?? not an office?

RP: No paparazzi or excited fans in sight. So, it won’t be evident that we’re having a meeting with each other.

Fair enough. Angel above, was that something they had to think about now?

RP: It's crucial that this meeting stays between us, don't want anybody catching wind of our plans. Still in, Kris?

Their whole body stiffened. Susie’s presence became ever more apparent.

Glancing over, they watched as she leaned over the kitchen counter, coffee in hand, reading a stack of stapled papers. Pre-service firefighter college course paperwork, no doubt. She’d been distracted for a while now, but if they left, she’d know that they’d gone to see Ralsei. Best friends didn’t count, right? It’s like when their mother used to tell their dad gossip and told him to tell no one about it. He still told Uncle Rudy because best friends don’t count as “no ones.” Everybody knew that.

Okay, okay, fine. But that meant that they’d have to lie. To their best friend. The thought of it made their stomach twist. Susie knew they would meet up with Ralsei, but she didn’t have to know why. They’d just have to keep that part secret until Ralsei gave them the okay to spill. Hopefully, that’ll be after whichever deal they struck in a few hours.

KD: 🤐🤐

KD: see you there

RP: See you soon!

This is it then, no takebacks. After thinking that their last encounter would be their only one, in a few short hours, they’d be meeting up with Ralsei. At his beach house. Near Santa Barbara. That’s… that’s pretty far away. Serenity Way, he said?

Where is that anyway?

A quick Google search answered that question. It was a forested road in the small beach town of Bloomsea on one of California’s peninsulas. And it was two and a half hours away. Damn, they needed to find a ride quick.

In the next moment, their phone came alive, ringing and vibrating in their hand. And even without the caller ID, they had a sneaking suspicion about who was on the other end.

Answering it, they held it up to their ear and forewent any proper greeting. Instead, they asked, “Uncle Wing Dings, do you know you have scary good timing?”

“Do I?” Uncle Wing answered, his smooth voice as unrushed as ever. “Hmm, never noticed.”

“Right.” They said, drawing out the lone vowel as their eyes squinted at their phone. Sure, he had no clue! The wry smile they could hear in his voice was a trick of the phone, no precognition here. Shaking their head, they asked, “I’m gonna guess you know about the,” but stopped themself. Sneaking a glance at Susie before lowering their voice. “—The thing.”

Uncle Wing chuckled. “Of course, I’m aware the thing, young one, I helped set it up.”

“Great. How soon do you think you can be here?” San Diego was pretty far from LA. It was also as far as Asriel and Dess could get from Hometown while staying on the west coast. But never mind that.

“Don’t worry, Kris, we’ve been on the road for hours now.” He soothed. “I was just calling to inform you that we’ll be at your abode in about a half. No time at all.”

Right, that was no time at all.

Shit.

“Yeah, uh, see you then.” They said, barely waiting for an answering goodbye from their Angelfather before ending the call. Leaping up from their bed, they raced back to the closet. Flicking on the overhead lightbulb

What were they supposed to wear to a life-changing meeting? A suit? A nice dress? Angel damn it all, they’re pretty sure they had neither of those things in here. But, then again, they also didn’t want to feel like too much of a try-hard. They’d rather die than look like some kind of keener.

Okay, okay, okay, next best thing. What would they wear on a date? They’ve never been on one, but surely they had something acceptable. Urgh, they couldn’t even raid Susie’s half of the closet for anything like they usually did. This is the one instance where ill-fitting clothes wouldn’t fix all of their fashion sufferings.

“What’s wrong now?” Susie asked from her spot in the kitchen. Having moved on to misting all the house plants Kris’ father had gifted them.

“Nothing.” They muttered. Stepping over their left behind music stuff to flip through their hanging clothes. Nope, nope, no way, not if they didn’t want to look like a scene kid. Those days were long gone. Groaning as they passed by their fifth neon striped t-shirt, not that far gone, apparently. “Everything.”

Leaning against the door frame, plant spritzer in hand, she asked, “What did Princey want anyways?”

Uhhhhhh, they wracked their brain for a lie. “He wants to see me. To hang out, I think. Don’t know. Celebrities, so cryptic.”

Crossing her arms, she made no attempt to hide her doubt as she asked, “Ralsei Prince texted you to ask you to ‘hang out’?”

“Yeah, something about—” Come on, brain, think! “—Muffins—” Seriously? “—And my binder. Forgot it at his place.” That’ll work.

“The muffins or your binder?”

“Binder.”

“What cha’ freaking out about then?”

Lying is such a pain in the ass. Letting out a heavy sigh, they went back to rifling through their clothes. Crossing their fingers that a perfect outfit would pop out and sock them in the head. “Don’t know what to wear. I don’t want to look—”

“Like shit.”

“Unprofessional. But yeah, that too.” They’d never admit it, but their voice had a wobble in it as they said, “This could be it, Suz.”

From behind them, she sighed. They couldn’t blame her for not freaking out about this like they were. She’s never entirely wrapped her head around the fact that they wanted to be a famous musician. Stardom just wasn’t something she cared all that much about. Even when they’d gone to that fateful TikToker party, she’d hadn’t gone fawn over people who were TikTok famous. Instead, she’d gone to support them. Which, in hindsight, she did a pretty shit job at. But, eh, hardly mattered now.

Either way, she cared very little about what everything they’d been wrapped up in the past few weeks meant. The possibility of ‘making it.’ And yet…

“Well, if this is it,” Susie began, uncrossing her arms and placing her fists on her hips. Shrugging, she asked, “Don’t you still have those suspender pants from when we were mobsters that one Halloween?”

The black ones with the pinstripes, high waist, and wide legs? Falling to their knees, they went straight for their suitcases. Rummaging through them until eureka! Yes, they did! And like a proud parent, they held the pair of pants up for Susie to gaze upon.

Shaking her head, she pulled all of her shaggy brown locks up into a ponytail. Cracking her knuckles, she pushed them aside, making room for her large frame in the tiny closet. “Let’s see what we can do with that.”

Against all odds, they managed to put not only their heads together but a banger of an outfit too. If they did say so themself. Pairing the pinstripes with a sleeveless white button-down, a deep green tie and a pair of silver combat boots. Achieving their “Not Trying Too Hard” business look by tucking a pant leg into a boot, loosening their tie, and leaving their bedhead alone.

And just in time for their phone to buzz with a message from Uncle Wing Dings. He was ready and waiting in front of their apartment building. Whew, now or never.

Shoving their phone, key and wallet into their pockets and sunglasses onto their face, they rush to the front door. Pausing, they looked back at their best friend and asked, “Wish me luck?”

Grinning wide, baring all her sharp teeth, she raised her coffee cup and said, “Go get that it, Kris. Good luck.”

Smiling, they gave her a nod before heading out the door more determined than ever.

Booking it across the courtyard and through the front gates, they found their Uncle waiting in his car. The same teal green Ford Taurus that they’d always remembered him pulling up in whenever he visited. As rare of an occasion as it was.

“Hey, Uncle Wing Dings.” They said, Throwing the car door open and hopping into the passenger seat. It was only a matter of time and distance now. The words ‘ready to rock it’ balanced on the tip of their tongue as they turned to properly greet their Uncle. Only for a movement in the backseat to draw their attention instead. And when they found a human slouching back there on their phone, they let out a yelp. Their heart raced with anger and a tinge of fear. “Who the hell are you?”

“Who’s askin’?” The Human said, their voice curt and slick and head bowed down, chocolate brown hair falling in front of their face. All of their focus was on their phone until they glanced up from it for a split second. Doing a double-take when they caught sight of Kris’ face. Which allowed Kris to see theirs. Lean, pale and rosy-cheeked despite them being in their early to mid-twenties. But that wasn’t what made Kris gasp. Their eyes looked back at them. They’d never met another Human who shared their rare eye colour. This Human, though, didn’t have the same wonder in their eyes. No, only recognition. Sitting up from their slouch, they grinned. “Oh, wait. You’re Azzy’s little sib, yes?”

Azzy? Who did this Human think they were? Jutting their chin out, they sneered back, “Who’s askin’?”

“Settle down now, Kris. We’re all friends here.” Uncle Wing Dings said, placing a skeletal hand on Kris’ shoulder. Pulling them back from their war footing. “This is Chara Mylonas, one of my students. Say hello, Chara.”

“Hello, Chara.” They echoed with a teasing smile at their Uncle before turning back to them. “Don’t worry, kid. I’m only hitchin’ a ride for a little while longer.”

“Why?” Kris asked, still not entirely convinced.

“Parents want me back in Ojai for my cousin’s nuptials,” Chara said, gesturing to their shabby suit with lazy confidence before it faltered. Looking up and to the left, they murmured more to themself than anything, “Or was it my Great Uncle’s funeral?” They shrugged, lidded eyes closing for a moment. “Eh, either way, my presence is required and they pay most of my bills so.”

Oh, they felt that one.

Alright, fine, one final question. Narrowing their eyes, they asked, “How do you know my brother?”

“Dormmates who recently upgraded to roommates.” They answered with ease. Yes, this is ringing a bell in the back of their mind. They knew this, didn’t they? Probably blocked it out, as they did with most things related to Humans. It couldn’t block out how Chara’s porcelain face softened a touch as they said, “Talks about you all the time.”, though.

Okay, this Human could stay. Settling back, face forward in their seat, they fidgeted. Peeking up at the rearview mirror, they caught Chara’s eye. “Did he ever tell you about the time our Dad made him cry over eggs the day after his birthday?”

“Oh, yes, I remember that.” Uncle Wing Dings said wistfully. “That was the one with—”

“Shh, no spoilers!” Chara said. Pressing a hand to their Uncle’s cracked mouth before looking back at Kris with devilishness in their eyes. “Tell me everything.”

As they made their way down the Ventura freeway, the three of them had a fun time trading embarrassing Asriel stories. Kris was almost sad when they finally dropped Chara off in Ojai just over an hour into their drive. Driving down a quiet road before pulling up next to a suburban ranch house. Sports equipment piled on the lawn along with a lofty, leaning tree with an old tire swing. It was all exceedingly average in a way that made them a little homesick.

“By the way,” Chara began as they hopped out of the car. Closing it behind them, they made their way to Kris’ open window. Running a hand through their short waves, they caught Kris’ eye. “Azzy made me listen to your music. On TikTok?” Oh, Angel, he. Did. Not. Curling in on themself, Kris nodded shyly. Chara nodded back. “It’s good.”

Bumping their fist with them before waving goodbye to Uncle Wing Dings, Chara sauntered off into their house. Looking like they hadn’t a care in the world. Angel above, they wanted to be like them when they grew up.

“Well?” Uncle Wing Dings asked, his non-existent brow rising as a smirk spread across his boney face.

Slouching in their seat, they shrugged. “Seemed cool.”

He smiled. “Indeed.”

Soon enough, they and Uncle Wing Dings were back on the road, headed toward Kris’ future. Windows down, air rushing through their hair, they asked, “Do you know what Ralsei’s offer is?”

“Yes, it’s an interesting one.” He said with a hum, tapping the tips of his phalanges on the weathered steering wheel.

“What is it?”

“It’s not mine to offer. You’ll know soon enough.”

Excuse—is this guy serious? Soon enough? The absolute bastard. “His to off—just, just tell me.”

Keeping his eyes on the road, he primly sniffed. Shaking his head, he said, “All I’ll say is that he’s offering you a… partnership of sorts.”

Partnership? Huh.

Before long, they turned off of the 101 and onto a rough road, leading them deep into a dense grove. Dozens of trees lined the winding trail leading them away from civilization. But after driving for a stretch without seeing any other cars or houses, Kris’ stomach started to twist. It was getting closer and closer to lunchtime, and it didn’t look like they were on the right path.

“We’re lost.” They said, their voice deadpan as could be. If only to offset their growing worry.

Uncle Wing Dings scoffed. “We are not lost, Kris.”

“Really because I don’t see a beach house. Don’t even see the fucking sea.”

“I have twelve doctorates, young one. Have a little more faith.”

“Is one of them in navigation?”

There was a long and loud silence in the car.

One that meant a lot more than any combination of words any person would string together. And for the first time in their life, they witnessed their Uncle’s perpetual calm begin to wear thin.

Jaw tight and eye sockets narrowed so thin they could barely see his eye lights, he turned to them and hissed, “You know what, you little shit?”

But before he could get any further, the thick foliage parted to reveal a lone house sitting on the edge of a cliff. Standing tall and somewhat thin, every inch of exterior panelling was brilliant emerald green. Except for the porch, balcony, and window frames painted a pure, dove white. And at the very top of the building, planted on the view tower, was a jet black flag billowing in the light breeze.

As Uncle Wing Dings’ car came to a stop in the driveway, he turned it off and said, “See not lost. We’re exactly where we need to be, exactly when we need to. Are you ready, Kris?”

They had to be. It was far too late to turn back.

By the time they got back into this car, they’d be a different person. Who exactly, they have no idea. But, whatever deal Ralsei has in mind would be life-changing, for better or worse. Putting their game face on, they nodded. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

The two of them exited the car almost in sync. The only difference was that Kris had taken a second to get a good look at their Angelfather. Reed thin, tall to always have to duck through doors and dressed in a lab coat over an all-black suit, he exuded intelligence and poise. And then there was them.

A solid five-five, maybe five-six if they didn’t slouch. Putting off major cagey vibes as they adjusted the lay of their clothes again and again. Doing it dozens of times in the span of them reaching the beach house’s front porch. How did he look that good so effortlessly? They needed to look like they were taking this seriously. They needed to project confidence. Or else Ralsei would think they’re a fuck-up. He would think—

Just as Uncle Wing Dings held up a fist to knock on the front door, it slammed open. Causing both of them to jump back as smoke poured out. And from all the grey clouds, so came Ralsei. Dressed in an overall dress embroidered with strawberries and a frilly apron covered in a red substance.

“Welcome!” Ralsei said, a crazed smile on his snout and his green glasses askew. “I’m so happy you could make it. Apologies for the—” He coughed into his arm before trying to fruitlessly fan the haze away. “—For the smoke.”

Right.

How had they forgotten that Ralsei was as much of a mess as they were?

Smirking, they tucked their hands into their pockets. “Why is it that whenever we meet, you’re always in a baking crisis?”

“Ha! No, I’m not in a crisis, my Uncle is.” He said, gesturing behind him with an awkward laugh. “He insisted we bake a second batch of the jam-filled cupcakes I made for our meeting and then doubly insisted that he had the whole thing covered.”

“I did not insist!” A posh voice called out from inside.

To which Ralsei turned to look over his shoulder and firmly retort, “You insisted!”

“In what worlde did it seem like I hadeth demanded to be put-est in charge of the disaster that is thine kitchen?” Came his Uncle’s voice once more.

With the annoyance of every teenager to ever live, Ralsei rolled his eyes hard. “The same one where you pressed me that it’d be too much of a hassle to make them after our guests left!”

“I have no recollection of such event.”

“I should replace you with a goldfish,” Ralsei muttered under his breath.

“What was that, dearest nephew?”

“Should replace you with a goldfish then!” He yelled back, forgetting that Kris and their Angelfather were even there. Trying to bring him back, Uncle Wing Dings cleared his throat. Catching Ralsei’s attention once more and causing him to look mortified. All of the sharp edges he’d let slip were sanded back down in an instant. Too bad. They were enjoying seeing him all prickly for once. Bowing slightly, he said, “So sorry. Please, come in.”

Much like the Holiday’s beach house, the interior’s vibes oozed beachiness. But it felt a whole lot cozier than the elegant, modern furniture had allowed the Holidays’ to feel. Pale vertical panelling, almost everything was either a shade of blue-ish green or white, kitschy beach items filled space. Fake starfishes, seashells everywhere, a surfboard in the living room’s corner. Even a pirate flag from one of the walls. It was cute and tacky at the same time.

Following behind, Ralsei took them through the house, past the messy kitchen and into the living room. Seating them at a comfy L-shaped couch filled with throw pillows. Hmm, they’re sensing a trend here.

“Please, sit.” He said, gesturing to one side of the couch. And once they were both seated, he folded his hands behind his back. “Would you care for a drink, Dr. Gaster?”

“A cup of tea would be lovely, Mr. Prince.” Uncle Wing Dings said, placing a hand on his chest and bending forward a bit in gratitude. Shifting his gaze, he asked, “Kris?”

“Tea’s fine.”

“Perfect, I’ll only be a moment,” Ralsei said with a chirp before rushing off to the kitchen like a spooked bunny. Hushed voices and clinking ceramic began to sound out, bringing a smile to Kris’ face.

“This is a lot more casual than I thought it would be.” They said, bringing their own voice down to a hush as they picked up a blue octopus-shaped pillow.

Uncle Wing Dings raised a brow. “What were you expecting? He invited us to a beach house?”

“Yeah, yeah, smartypants. I thought,” Holding the octopus close, they sighed. Shaking their head. “I don’t know.”

Thin, boney fingers brushed a few locks behind their ear before shifting downwards to lift their chin. “Everything will go fine, young one. Just relax. Enjoy the tea.” Uncle Wing Dings said, his point followed by a clink as Ralsei set a tea tray on the coffee table. “Good job in on you for not interrogating how Mr. Prince’s manager speaks, by the way. I had a bit of trouble myself.”

What? Wait. Was Raslei’s manager his Uncle? Wait, how had he talked? They honestly hadn’t been listening all that well. How weirdly could someone speak that it’d be impressive not to question it? They’d have to see.

The rest was easier said than done, but they did try. Stilling their shaky hand the best they could as they took the only chipped teacup from the tray. Thanking Ralsei for it before bringing it up to their nose to inhale the herbal scent before taking a sip. Lemongrass. Not their go-to, but still delicious. By the time they’d finished savouring a few drinks, Ralsei and his Uncle (Who they guessed was also his manager?) had sat down at the opposite end of the couch. An odd pair, but then again, so were them and their Uncle.

“Enjoying the tea?” Ralsei asked, picking up his own cup. Both they and their Uncle nodded. “Good, good.”

“Many, many thanks to thoust two for meeting with mine dearest nephew and I on such short notice. We doth have a plenty to discussest.” Mr. Kaard said with not a hint of irony or humour.

Oh. Oh, Angel.

Uncle Wing Dings wasn’t kidding. Why the fuck does he talk like that? Thank the Heavens above that they naturally had a poker face because… What? Making eye contact with Ralsei, they searched for an answer to what the fuck was going on. All he had in reply was a tiny shake of his head.

So he just talks like this?

Everyday?

Had he been talking like that this whole time?

They’d like to repeat. What?

Subtly jabbing a scrawny elbow into their side as a warning, Uncle Wing Dings said, “Thank you for expressing interest in Kris’ career, Mr. Kaard.”

Okay, their career, right, just focus on that. This is it, remember? They couldn’t get hung up on Ralsei’s Uncle’s odd word choice. Even though—nope. Don’t question it. Sitting up straight, they squeezed their hands together in their lap. “I would like to know, though, umm, why the sudden interest.”

“Well, thoust see,” Mr. Kaard began. Gesticulating flamboyantly with his teacup but somehow not spilling a single drop. “Recently it has cometh to ourst attentions that a role that he so desperately wants to get mighteth be out of his reach becauseth of his public reception.”

“Boy Next Door not working for you anymore?” They asked Ralsei with a teasing tone because that whole situation sounded so far-fetched. A role out of his reach? Really? Did they know that they had Ralsei Prince vying for it?

“No, not really,” Ralsei answered, adjusting his glasses as his cheeks pinked a tad. Taking a sip of his tea, he was able to tamp down the blooming blush as he cleared his throat and went on. “It’s also come up that you’re considering a career in the music industry. And for you to have a chance at that dream you need eyes on you. A lot of them.”

Wrapping a long arm around Ralsei’s shoulders, Mr. Kaard gave him a squeeze. “Luckily for thou, my dear nephew haseth an abundance of those on him already wouldst be-est glad to share with thou.”

“That would be quite the mutually beneficial arrangement.” Uncle Wing Dings said, slowly stirring his cup of tea. “But I suspect that Kris has a few queries? Hmm?”

They did. Placing their cup on its saucer on the table, they leaned forward onto their knees and asked, “What’s the catch? You mentioned a role that’s different from your usual persona. Are you playing a bad boy or something and need advice?”

“No. I, uh,” Ralsei said, moving to curl into himself before stopping and squaring his shoulders instead. “I want to play the lead in an up-and-coming romantic comedy show.”

Heat filled their cheeks. Oh, fuck. Does Ralsei think that they’re some kind of Casanova? What could’ve possibly given him that idea? Was it the finger guns in their not-an-apology apology video? Susie had said that they were gonna get in trouble one day for their flirty quirks. Rubbing their arm, they said, “I’m not sure I’d be much help in that regard. Not exactly a romance aficionado or anything.”

Ralsei giggled into his paw as Mr. Kaard, and their Uncle chuckled into their teacups. Shaking his head, Ralsei said, “No, no, that’s not what I meant either. I,” He paused, closing his eyes and taking a deep, steady breath. “I need you to date me for a little while.”

.

.

.

.

Kris was speechless.

Literally.

They went mute.

Unable to force a single syllable out of their mouth as Ralsei proceeded to get more and more flustered. He needed him to… what? Date him? Did they hear that right? No, they couldn’t have. But, but, but. They whipped their head around to look up at their Angelfather. Eyes wide and desperate as they pleaded for some guidance.

“Mr. Prince, would you like the opportunity to rephrase your offer?” Uncle Wing Dings said, his grip on his teacup tightening. And when no response came, he added, “Post haste.”

“Nephew!” Mr. Kaard said, jostling him out of whatever flustered stupor he was in.

Gulping down what they guessed was his worries, Ralsei said, “Yes, I would. I’m sorry, that didn’t come out right.” Settling himself, those big, round eyes of his meet theirs. So many emotions swirled in them, too many to list. “I don’t need you to date me, Kris. I only need for it to seem like I’m dating you for a while. We don’t actually have to do anything behind the scenes. It’d just be for the public.”

Breaking eye contact with him, Kris stared down into their teacup. Their own confused reflection stared back. For the public? So, like, it’d be fake? Is he asking them to fake date him? Did people actually do that? Is this what Uncle Wing Dings meant by a partnership of sorts?

“Alright, how about this.” Uncle Wing Dings piped up once more. Then, gently pulled their teacup out of their hands and placed it back on its sauce before ushering them to their feet. “Why don’t Mr. Kaard and I stay here while Mr. Prince takes my Angelchild somewhere to explain in private?”

“Yes! Nephew, take young Kris up to thine viewing tower.” Mr. Kaard did the same with Ralsei, taking his cup and guiding him upright. Shooing him away with a flick of his hands. “Dr. Gaster and I will doth go over thine contract whilst thou’re gone.”

“Don’t worry,” Their Uncle whispered. “Nothing is set in stone yet, there are just some important things we have to go over in case you decide to sign.”

“This way, Kris,” Ralsei said, untying his apron and laying it on a side table. Then, timid as a mouse, he gestured for them to follow. And they did, up the staircases and through a hatch door, they made their way up to the tower.

It was both big and small at the same time. All of Kris’ family could fit comfortably, the towering Monsters they were, but still, it felt remote. Like they were in a bubble dimension. And the view…

It was breathtaking.

Nothing but the vast, wide ocean. Its powerful waves crashed against the craggy cliffs while a skinny dock with a single boat attached rolled with the swells. Puffy white clouds glided across the neverending blue sky. And with a quick flip of a latch, Ralsei pushed open one of the double windows. Letting the breeze hit them and allowing them to lean over the frame and really take in the atmosphere.

For a while, they stayed there in silence, staring at the horizon. They felt like they were the only two people in the world, standing up there. The sounds of tides mixed with the odd birdsong and rustling leaves, making a soothing symphony.

Speaking of.

Not wanting to break the peace they found themselves in, still staring out at the sea, Kris whispered. “Thought I was here because you liked my music.”

“I do. I do.” Ralsei quietly said back. “Especially you’re rendition of ‘Can You Feel The Love Tonight.’”

“Why?”

“Oh, well, because you have this lovely voice and—”

“No, why me?” Finally, they turned to look at him. Bathed in the midday sun, his pearly fur made him glow. Divine, that’s what he was. The son of two Titans of Hollywood instead of Mount Olympus, but celestial nevertheless. What would a God have to gain by mingling with a mere mortal like them? “You’re you. You could have anyone you want. Why would you want the world to think you’re with me.”

“Heh, you’re vastly overestimating my romance abilities, but thank you anyway.” He said with a crooked smile and a nudge to their shoulder with his own. “But to answer your question, it’s half convenience. As my stylist, Swatch said, the public is already primed to believe that we’re a couple. A whirlwind romance is what he called our potential coming together. We even have shippers, if you can believe it.”

Shippers? Man, they hadn’t gotten that deep on Twitter yet. Or actually, it was more likely to be on Tumblr, wouldn’t it?

“And the other half?” They asked.

He shrugged, humming a tune. “Well, I like to think it was destiny that brought you to me.”

“Really?” Their eyebrows furrowed as their nose crinkled. Destiny?

“Yes,” He said with a definite nod before looking out into the horizon. “Like the universe knew that we needed each other to become who we’re meant to be.”

“Ralsei, I fell down a hill after pissing in a tree because I couldn’t find a bathroom and then fell into a pond not five minutes after that. I’m not sure that’s destiny.”

“Maybe the universe has a sense of humour.” He said with a giggle.

Oh, no, it definitely did.

They still didn’t like that thought, though. That fate had made their paths cross precisely when they did. Made their skin itch. It was one of the things they didn’t like about the religion they were brought up in. “The Angel had a plan for them all.” Yeah, but what if it was a stupid plan? What if the path they were “meant to walk” was filled with sharp rocks and blanketed in black ice? If everything was meant to be, premeditated by the Angel above, then did that mean that they made every bad thing happen?

Did they look at the name Kris Dreemurr eighteen years ago and decide that their Human mother would give them up? That they’d grow up unintentionally isolated as the only Human around for miles. Did they push Kris’ parents together all those years ago? All the while knowing that they’d planned to slowly chip away at their relationship until it finally cracked into a thousand pieces? Because if they had, well, they’d promised their mother that they’d keep the blasphemy to a minimum.

So, no, they didn’t like the idea of destiny much at all.

Shaking all of those thoughts out of their head, they sighed. “Still, fate or not, I’m still not exactly what you’d call a catch.”

“Neither am I.” Ralsei shot back with a beam and a snort.

Hold on. Did he just? They scoffed. “Shut up.”

“I’m not attractive, Kris.”

“Shut up.”

“I’m not!” He said with not just exasperation but a hint of rage too. Enough that Kris didn’t keep the back and forth going. Taking note of Ralsei’s clenched jaw and fists and his eyes that had turned hard and flinty. Oh. He was serious. But how? With a huff, he answered their silent question. “I’m cute. I’m adorable. I’m precious. And the times I am called something like handsome, it’s in the same way you’d call a four-year-old so handsome. You don’t have to sugar coat it, Kris.”

No, no, no. Sure, Ralsei was all of those things. Of course, he was; he’s wearing the world’s cutest outfit right now. The only thing that’d make it more cutesy would be ribbon bows on his horns and striped socks paired with those lolita shoes. But Boss Monsters don’t wear shoes, so just the bows, really.

But, in their opinion, he was plenty appealing. They’d seen more pictures of him in the past few weeks than they’d had ever before, and they had to say, he could get it. He could get it in the same way Colin Firth could get it as Mr. Darcy. Regal, respectable, and could cut quite the figure in a well-tailored suit. Not to mention his last pride photoshoot where he wore this rainbow corset vest with a long flowy skirt. Took their breath away. And when he sang, oh, Angel above, nothing was hotter than a good singer. They might be biased, though.

Taking ahold of his shoulders, staring him down, they shook Ralsei with every beat of their words. “Ralsei, you. Are. Attractive.”

“Says who?”

“Says me.”

“You’d call me sexy? A real heartthrob?” He shot back. Okay, well, not to his face. How did he expect them to say that? Out loud? Like a dumbass? But before they could, he wiggled out of their grasp and threw his arms up. “Exactly.”

“No, wait—”

“It’s okay, Kris. I get it. It’s just,” He wrapped his arms around himself, stepping away from them and back to the window to gaze. “I’m fine with it. I don’t need to be a sex symbol or anything. I don’t want to be.”

Standing alone in the center of the tower, they asked, “Who do you wanna be?” There were a few moments where they thought he wouldn’t answer. But he eventually did.

Kind of.

“I need to be the captivating, flawless lead. Practically perfect in every way, like my parents were.” He said, his voice growing thick. Just like it did the last time he spoke of them. “But I don’t—I just don’t know how to be that, right now. That’s why I need you.” Turning around, still holding himself tight, he looked at them with a brittle smile. Eyes glistening. “Until I can figure out how to be that, I need you to help me pretend that I’ve already achieved it. That I’m already the person I’m meant to be.”

What if I think you’re fine the way you are now? They thought, wanting to ask him that but held their tongue. What if I thought the best version of you was the one covered in flour and jam and who wasn’t afraid to bicker and complain? What then?

“Kris, I know I’m asking a lot of you.” He said, pivoting back to face the window. “I completely understand if you want to decline my offer.”

Any sane person would decline. Would walk away from Ralsei and find another way to get their shot at stardom.

“It’s completely insane.” They said. Ralsei’s shoulders drew up, tensing. Waiting for the final blow, for them to reject him with seething contempt. Lucky for him, they hadn’t spent a single day on this Earth with their sanity intact. “But one that I’m going to accept.”

Ralsei whipped his head around, eyes wide and mouth agape. “Are you serious?”

A half-smile playing on their lips, they nodded, a fierce, fiery determination filling their chest. “I’m gonna get you that role.”

His eyes began to glisten and gleam again, but at least this time, Kris knew they were happy tears. Voice unwavering despite the surge of emotions they knew he was feeling, Ralsei answered. “And I’m going to get you a record deal.”

While his words weren’t anything special, they still sent shivers down their spine. This is happening. This is happening! Exhilaration raced through their veins, making them want to vibrate out of this plane of existence.

“Shake on it?” They asked, holding out a hand for Ralsei to take. And he did. Clasping theirs firmly yet still gently and giving them a solid shake. Shaking his back, they said with a grin, “Boyfriend.”

“Enbyfriend.” He answered back.

They scrunched their nose at that title. “We’ll have to workshop that.”

Bubbly and melodious, Ralsei’s laughs filled the tower, and soon after, so did Kris’.

In the end, they were right about one thing about today’s meeting. After pretending to date one of the most famous Monsters in Hollywood, their life would never be the same.

You're back! How was it? Kris said yes, right? They did! Perfect.

From here on out, it's time for the part of the fic everybody's waiting for! CUTE FAKE COUPLE TIMES! Holding hands! Kissing for show! Kissing in private? And spending a whole lot of time keeping stories straight! It'll be a blast. Especially the next chapter, which will center around Ralsei's birthday party. It was supposed to be lowkey, but they do need rumours of his burgeoning relationship with Kris to circulate... So a little more oomph will be required.

Thanks again for reading all the way through and handling my odd posting schedule with grace. I genuinely do appreciate y'all making it this far with me and leaving those lovely comments. See you next week!

Later Days!

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[ultraericthered]

The 17 best characters in Umineko, according to my opinion.

1. Lambdadelta - Super adorable, super hilarious, super whimsical, super scary when need be, SUPER PAPER! Lambda has got it all!

2. Bernkastel - I love me a great villain, and Bern is one of the best in this whole franchise. Extra cool points for being Evil Rika Furude.

3. Erika Furudo - I want to deck her in her smug little gremlin face but then also wrap her in a warm blanket and keep her all snug and protected in equal measures, which is a VERY hard thing to pull off as perfectly balanced as Erika somehow does and I adore her for it. 

4. Sayo Yasuda/Beatrice - Pretty much the centerpiece character of this entire narrative. Never fails to be fascinating and entertaining.

5. Maria Ushiromiya/MARIA - Uuuu! While at first Maria seemed a bit too try-hard to be for Umineko what Rena was for Higurashi, I got attached to her quickly and she proved to be a wonderful character.

6. Battler Ushiromiya/Black Battler - It’s almost unbelievable how much Battler’s character grew on me and won me over. A far more heavily flawed individual than Keiichi was, but just as interesting in his own right. Plus, he’s even got a badass evil doppelganger! 

7. Ange Ushiromiya/Ange-Beatrice - Easily the most sympathetic character in the cast aside from maybe Maria, and ultimately the true hero of this tale. Following her journey was always a highlight.

8. Jessica Ushiromiya - Tough-as-nails but a bit scatterbrained and blunt as hell, not to mention a pansexual icon. I can’t not love her!

9. Ronove - He’s too friendly and likable to be a nefarious demon!

10. Gaap - Another very fun and likable (and hot) demon character.

11. Virgilia - Beato’s mentor really helped kickstart our deeper understanding of magic, witches, and Yasu’s character while always being a pleasant and comforting presence to have around.

12. Eva Ushiromiya/Eva-Beatrice - Eva was the most fascinating and complex of Kinzo’s children who aren’t Yasu, making me care about her yet also detest her at different points, back and forth. She also has a kickass evil doppelganger in the form of her “black witch.”

13. Willard H. Wright - I’m a sucker for eccentric and antisocial Holmesian detectives, and Mr. Wright really made the most of it.

14. Lion Ushiromiya - They’re just precious, and show us what could have been had Kinzo not been even more horrid than he was.

15. Kyrie Ushiromiya - Imagine if Kyoko Kirigiri grew up and lost a good chunk of her moral standards, and you’d have Kyrie. Whether she be acting for good or for bad, she’s undeniably one cool MFer.

16. Hideyoshi Ushiromiya - How did Eva ever manage to score a guy so caring and kind? Easily the least bad of the Ushiromiya adults in terms of morality, even if he is sadly under-developed.

17. Juuza Amakusa - Formerly of the Yamainu and now serving as Ange’s hired bodyguard, he’s another fun morally sketchy character.

And the runner ups are....

Tetsuro Okonogi - I love the guy, but he appears in literally every single When They Cry entry, so he’s not exactly unique to Umineko.

Dlanor Knox - Have a difficult time separating her from Erika in my mind, so she doesn’t really stand on her own as a character.

The Seven Stakes Sisters of Purgatory - A fun take on the Seven Deadly Sins/Demon Lords, but lack much dimension or individuality.

The Chiester Sisters - Much as I enjoy them, they always did seem kind of out of place in this series, and they’re even less developed than the above sisters group.

All the other characters I can take or leave (Dr. Nanjo, Kumasawa, Gohda, Gertrude & Cornelia), I like them alright (George, Krauss, Natsuhi, Sakutaro), or I have more conflicted feelings on like if I mostly like them but sometimes hate them (Featherine Augustus Aurora, Genji, the Goat Servants), I mostly hate them but sometimes like them (Rosa Ushiromiya, Rudolf Ushiromiya, Zepar & Furfur), or I just flat out hate them but enjoy the shit out of hating them (Kinzo Ushiromiya. Fuck Kinzo. Oh, and Kasumi Sumadera too.)

[monkey-network]

The Howling Wonderment of Wolfwalkers

POTENTIAL SPOILERS AHEAD    

Yeah, this film was enjoyable and I loved it. “Cuz you’re a furry?!” *BANG!* ...Yes, but there’s certainly more to my love. Next to Pixar’s Soul, this was one I was anticipating because of its unique style as Cartoon Saloon has been one to be far different from what you could call the norm in animated films lately. It’s up there with Laika and Aardman as a studio where after enough time, you really get their style. With its stunning visuals, Mebh existing, and yeah it being about wolves, this felt like a film worth watching. And it was worth watching. Hell It was worth seeing with however beautiful it is and can be...

The environment work is the MVP of this film’s visuals if not the character designs. The visible difference between the compact, sharp angled town of Kilkenny and the more wavy, rounded shapes of the forest stand out remarkably. This is indeed of the best looking films I’ve seen in a long while where just seeing the effort that went into every background would satisfy my day. Then again, much as it’d be nice to end it here, looks aren’t everything. Unfortunately, and I’m getting this out the way, it certainly ain’t flawless in terms of story.

For one, it is really cliched where communication is stubbornly walled, it’s necessary but in hindsight I nonetheless felt annoyed by how things wouldn’t have as escalated as it did if one or so moment of miscommunication didn’t happen. I can forgive it for having plot elements that I’ve seen in other places, but this really stood out. And my major issue, the one true stain on this otherwise smooth pair of pants, is our villain. The Lord Protector can look intimidating, and is thematically necessary, but really was a one-note imitation of Judge Frollo where God is all it takes to be the worst ever. I say it would’ve worked better if he had more eccentricity to his motives but no, he’s just unmovably evil and pompous, distractedly like Ratcliffe from Pocahontas. And I don’t care if Ratcliffe was funny and the two films can be similar in some areas,

I should not be reminded of Pocahontas in any light

But honestly, that’s it. While the villain didn’t leave a good impression, the conflict doesn’t feel hindered by the cliches. Really, the movie outside what I wanna say is a very long final act runs at quite a brisk pace. I’ve paused for screenshots but I never felt like the film was jogging for time. We certainly get to take in the environments, the juxtaposing sense between constriction and freedom. I mention that things could’ve been resolved more smoothly but the film has a great sense of escalation where yeah, that final fight did feel long but justified in every moment. It all makes things count, be it the increasing rift between Robyn and her father to the roller coaster friendship of her and Mebh. The latter, speaking of which, is the GOAT.

BEST. GREMLIN. WOOFCHILD!

Mebh exhibits the most lovable energy as a character, has as perfect a design, and this film is as much her story as it is Robyn’s. I’ll get to something vital in a moment, but the friendship/sisterhood in this film is so refreshing to see. Mebh honestly was everything I wanted for this character and more because how in her element she can be vs when the situation gets drastic. They give her the range and overall, she is an amazing child character and that really is what makes this film work so well regardless of its hiccups. As much she appears as an alpha, she is still just a child and we see that, no punches pulled, in the film’s latter half which leads into my takeaway.

The fear of the unknown can lead to the unbalance of control. Of course Robyn and Mebh are two sides of the same coin if we’re talking responsibility. One who wants to claim it in being a wolfhunter and one who has to in being the alpha wolfwalker. Both of which do so for the sake of their parents, who themselves didn’t want to put their children in harm’s way. They’re mainly surviving, and what they actually desire is to live. Both girls come to understand what they want for themselves and come to fearlessly face what’s kept them along the wall, so to speak. That’s what makes the moments of the two running as wolves so liberating, what makes Mebh’s emotional journey over the fate of her mother so naturally emotional, and what makes the finale come together so well.

I don’t like The Lord Protector as you know, but he does serves as a necessary evil for everyone involved; a man who tries to absolve any responsibility for what he does yet seeks to have absolute dominion over everything. Which is why it adds up that Robyn’s father, who for the runtime has been under his thumb, becomes a wolfwalker alongside Robyn. Goodfellow isn’t a bad father for his overprotectiveness, nor a terrible person for being a hunter given those times, but his arc about being there for his daughter to where he takes finally control, following her daughter in going against his previous outlook, to defeat the villain and make up for his actions by being the final one needed to save Mebh’s mom after turning into a wolf himself is the most poetic to say the least. But ending with Mebh, Robyn, and their parents heading elsewhere and the two children get to run once again, free from the weight of everything before and enjoying each other’s company as the closest of their new found family?

Like I wouldn’t happily tear up at the thought

This film can appear simple, but the heart of it is definitive in every step. From working through conditioned prejudices to kiltering responsibility with ambition, Wolfwalkers makes so many good notes with a very complimenting artstyle, good pacing, and compelling characters especially. I mean, the fact that it’s about wolves was enough to lure me in, but I stayed well enough for one of the best Cartoon Saloon provided.

Again, I love this film.

[curewhimsy]

Vocal Synth Total Drama Island AU Concept (so far)

———Very Short Character Introductions——— (56 campers in all, aged 14-18) Haku Yowane- A sweet, lonely, sensitive girl with a lot of heart. Age 17. Neru Akita- A courageous tomboy who is misunderstood. Age 17. Miku Hatsune- A bubbly, cheerful, outgoing girl with a lot of friends. Age 15. Luka Megurine- An artistic girl who has a bit of anxiety. Good friends with Meiko. Age 18. Teto Kasane- A bubbly, cheerful girl with an unexpected temper and badass side. Age 15. Megumi “Gumi”- A bit shy, but underneath, she is very brave and resourceful. Age 16. Meiko Sakine- The Mom Friend. Confident and likes to help people. Age 18. Momo Momone- The nicest girl, to the point of being a pushover… Age 15. Rin Kagamine- Unhinged gremlin sibling 1. Loves causing mayhem. Age 14. Len Kagamine- Unhinged gremlin sibling 2. Loves causing chaos. Age 14. Eleanor Forte- The mean girl and drama queen. Cause of lots of drama. Age 17. Kaito Shion- The dorky boy who always has a cheesy smile on his face. Age 17. Akaito Shion- The moody playboy. More serious than Kaito, but bad-tempered. Age 18. Koto Fuuga- Nature girl. Knows all about bird calls, animal behavior, and more. Age 16. Taya Soune- An extremely polite guy. Always dresses formally. Always. Age 15. Ruko Yokune- Despite her height and quirky love of coffee, quite level-headed. Age 15. Ritsu Namine- Loud and obnoxious, but has a caring and wise side? Age 15. Merli Aoki- A snobby, pretentious girl. Not Like Other Girls. Age 17. Lapis Aoki- Mischievous and up to trouble. Merli’s sister. Age 15. Gakupo Kamui- He’s… just strange. And eccentric. And awkward. Age 17. Miku “Zatsune”- A wannabe goth. Basically, she’s in training. Thinks she’s edgy. Age 15. Uta “Defoko” Utane- A sarcastic, moody teenage girl. But she does have a sweet side. Age 15. Dell Honne- Haku’s grumpy, angsty half brother she hasn’t seen in years. Age 18. Yuuma- The popular boy. Eleanor likes him. Can be materialistic. Age 18. Dandy “704”- A very arrogant and vain guy. Quite selfish and loves to show off. Age 18. “Lady” Parsec- A commanding bully who demands and orders people around. Age 17. Yuu- A cheerful guy who likes parties and fun. Age 16. Wil- A somewhat quiet, mysterious guy who keeps to himself. Age 16. Kyo- A wild guy who is impulsive and kind of dumb. Age 16. Daina- Basically, she’s a furry. Her fursona is a fox. Age 17. Dex- Basically, he’s a furry. His fursona is a wolf. Age 17. Ruby- A girl who likes memes and is basically just vibing through life. Age 16. Yukari Yuzuki- A modest girl who has a crush on Ruby. Easily impressed. Age 16. Shian- An innocent girl who is also quick-tempered and pouts easily. Age 14. Muxin- A kind, knowledgeable boy. He loves history and astronomy. Age 14. IA- A bit mysterious and seems cold and expressionless. Age 16. Piko Utatane- Shy, quiet, and cold. Gets along with Muxin due to similar interests. Age 15. Genbu- Overly-enthusiastic and brash. A bit of a loudmouth. Age 18. Chiyu- Bold, brash, and brave. Kind-hearted and strong. Age 17. Haiyi- Talks a lot. Usually has something up her sleeve. A prank perhaps? Age 16. Leeds Kasumiga- A timid girl with a mysterious heart illness that inhibits her. Age 14. Mew- A real goth, unlike Zatsune, who is a goth-in-training. Age 18. Tei Sukone- A dastardly, manipulative villain who fools people, then bites. Age 16. Cider- A smug, self-absorbed inventor of elaborate but stupid inventions. Age 17. Bruno- An agreeable, outgoing guy who likes spreading good vibes. Age 18. Clara- Bruno’s girlfriend. A little bit timid, but always kind and optimistic. Age 17. Aku Yamine- Quiet and a bit melancholic. She’s… a different type of goth. Emo? Age 14. Lily- A tough high-school delinquent who stands up for the weak. Age 17. Amy- Cheerful, optimistic, yet quite chill. Doubts herself often however. Age 16. Chris- He might be a big guy, but he is quite shy and very gentle. Age 18. Kaori- She seems confident and bright on the outside, but hides sadness? Age 17. Ken- He’s talkative, smart, kind of a dork, but very focused and brave. Age 17. Iroha Nekomura- Innocent and sweet, but agile, with cat-like reflexes. Age 14. SeeU- Energetic, hyperactive, makes bad puns, silly, makes bad puns… Age 16. Kiyoteru Hiyama is the host of the game show. Big Al is in the role of Chef. ——Episodes——— Prologue 1- Introduction to concept. Characters see the advertisement for the game show and contemplate going on it. The winner gets a million dollars! Prologue 2- Introduction to characters via their audition videos, part 1. Kiyoteru chooses contestants. Prologue 3- Introduction to characters via their audition videos, part 2. Kiyoteru chooses contestants. Episode 1- Everyone arrives at Total Drama Island and meets each other. Some get along, and many clash. Notable big-drama-causers include Tei, Eleanor, Dandy, Parsec, Cider, Merli sometimes, and Zatsune sometimes. Koto, Genbu, Ritsu, Haiyi, Daina, and Dex stick out for being especially wild. But really, everyone’s unique personality contributes to the drama and pot of chemistry in their own way. Another camper who sticks out is Gakupo Kamui, who enthusiastically boasts about his skills in martial arts and how ready he is to win Total Drama Island. He begins to get on the nerves of the other campers. “I can out-run, out-kick, out-sing, out-wit, and even out-PISS anybody else here.” Gakupo says. “Well, can you do us a favor and GET-out?” Meiko says. Episode 2- Campers have to jump off a one thousand-foot cliff into a shark-infested lake. Then they have to pull some crates back to camp, and the team from before with the most people who jumped get carts to help them. Then they have to build a hot tub from material found in the crates. The team with the best hot tub wins the challenge. The campers who were too scared to jump off the cliff have to wear chicken costumes for the rest of the day. Despite his incessant bragging previously, Gakupo is one of the few campers who does not jump off the cliff, because it is revealed he is scared of heights, sharks, AND deep water! He even pisses himself and dramatically faints when he gets close to the edge of the cliff... and then he faints off the cliff! However, his jump isn’t accounted for, because Gakupo was not conscious during his fall. Luka has to be the one to jump in after and rescue him! This causes Gakupo of The Dangerous Dolphins to be the first campter voted off. “Well… I guess he was right about out-pissing everyone here.” Neru laughs. The other campers too scared to jump are Taya, Dandy, Eleanor, Clara, Muxin, Chris, and Kaito. Haku is at first too scared, but her best friend Neru encourages her to be brave. They jump together and yell funny things on the way down. Even though Eleanor is scared, she ends up going over anyway after Chiyu pushes her off the cliff, being sick of Eleanor’s arrogance. However, it isn’t even accounted for, because Eleanor did not jump by her own will. Clara is too frightened and doesn’t make the jump, which is surprising, because she was so enthusiastic before. However, her boyfriend Bruno jumped without her… Taya takes one look down the cliff and starts backing away, crying from fear. He feels ashamed that he’s so scared, but he cannot help it. He gets pats on the back from Clara. Dandy makes an excuse as to why he can’t jump. He says he has an open wound from a fencing accident. In reality, Dandy does not fence. Muxin is too scared, but asserts that he doesn’t have to jump off the cliff if he doesn’t want to, and that the challenge is ridiculous. He then comforts Taya, who is curled up sobbing, and tells him not to feel shame. Taya and Muxin become friends, but sadly are on different teams. Chris is too scared and actually starts crying too. People don’t expect it. Kaito is scared to jump, panics and makes a bit of a scene, and is then picked on and belittled by his brother Akaito for the rest of the day. Kaito then vows he will become braver from here on. Braver, and stronger! Leeds actually does jump from the cliff, but it causes her heart to become weak and she has trouble walking for the rest of the day. Some of the members on her team rudely deem her a nuisance, but others tell her to take it easy and understand her. Afterwards, Clara gets a bit sour at Bruno, who is her boyfriend, for jumping the cliff without noticing she was too scared. Koto jumps the cliff and she actually has fun. But afterwards, she wears a chicken suit anyway, because she loves birds. Episode 3- The challenge is to stay awake the longest in the "Awake-A-Thon" after running twenty-kilometers and eating a huge meal that includes turkey, which is known for making people sleepy. Dell of The Killer Porpoises gets voted off for falling asleep first. He generally has a bad attitude and is apathetic. Haku feels heartbroken because Total Drama Island was the first time she had seen Dell since her parents’ divorce (by complete chance, even,) and he is not the warm person he used to be. Also, the time was so short. But unexpectedly, Dell acts nice to Haku right before he leaves, calling her to his room when he’s packing to go off the island. They have a nice conversation. Before Haku says goodbye, Dell says “Listen, I’m just not cut out for this wacky game. So you better win. I KNOW you can do it.” Haku begins crying and hugs Dell. Just like when they were kids. There will eventually be a list of who falls asleep first to last, but that’s quite convoluted. So I will say Dell falls asleep first, and Ruko second. Campers were not allowed to drink coffee during the challenge, rendering our Long Sleeper without access to her “secret weapon.” Koto stays up the longest, because she is a bird lover and loves birds too much to consume them. She was the only one who didn’t eat any turkey with her meal, and therefore didn’t become as sleepy. Also simply because she is badass and feral. Episode 4- A best-of-five dodgeball game. Five people are randomly chosen on each team. This is repeated three times for a total of three rounds of dodgeball. The Dangerous Dolphins win 2 out of 3 games. Zatsune of The Killer Porpoises gets voted off for being scared of dodgeball. It was a fear ingrained into her from her elementary school days, when the “dodgeball kids would bully her.” Sadly, since Zatsune always acts so cocky, nobody feels much sympathy now. Taya and Muxin want to spend time with each other. Being on different teams, they can’t, and are deemed traitors. But when Tei, on Taya’s team, suggests Taya could get valuable information about the other team via Muxin, Taya refuses to sabotage their friendship. This causes Tei to begin picking on Taya… Episode 5- A three-on-three talent show contest. Dex of The Killer Porpoises gets voted off for no reason. He wasn’t even in the talent show! Dandy wanted to get chosen by his team, the Dangerous Dolphins, to be in the talent show, claiming his “talent” was unmatched. However, he wasn’t chosen because he didn’t exactly have any real actual skills despite his claim! Taya, Luka, and Gumi are eventually chosen by the Dangerous Dolphins for their talents in music. Luka will play piano, Taya will play the violin, and Gumi will play the electric bass as they all sing a song cover. This causes Dandy to criticize their every note and call them amateur. Given Taya and Gumi’s low self-esteem, Dandy’s criticism gets to them before the final talent show. As for the Killer Porpoises, Yuuma, Ritsu, and IA get chosen as the team’s musicians. They form more of an idol dance group, with a pre-recorded background track. (It will also be a cover.) The Dangerous Dolphins actually win. If they were to have lost, Dandy would’ve probably been the one voted off for being a prick. Episode 6- Campers have to go to the forest, stay out there overnight, then race back to the campgrounds in the morning. Yukari of the Killer Porpoises gets voted off. See, it wasn’t really Yukari’s fault, but… she got attacked by a bear and is now too injured to stay for the game, so the voting off was mandatory, even though the Killer Porpoises otherwise won. Everyone becomes more-or-less traumatized at this, and feel very hurt for Yukari. Episode 7- Campers have to face their worst fear, specific to each camper. Yuuma gets voted off. Koto’s worst fear is the perfume department from Spongebob, because that scene scarred her as a little kid. So the host of the game show, Kiyoteru, magically opens a door to the perfume department at a real department store and Koto has to walk through it. Koto only makes it 5 steps in before she runs out, screaming. She does not pass her fear test! Yuuma is scared of the Crab Rave because there are too many crabs. So he is taken to a part of the island overrun by crabs, and Kiyoteru turns on the Crab Rave song and they all start dancing. Yuuma dives into the water screaming. But the crabs chase him. He doesn’t pass his fear test. Taya attempts to outwit Kiyoteru and pretends he is afraid of strawberry shortcake, which is actually his favorite food. But everyone remembers how scared he was in the first challenge at the cliff. So Taya’s specific challenge is to jump off the cliff this time… Episode 8- Row a canoe to Boney Island, portage across the island, start a bonfire, and canoe back to camp. Wil gets voted off. Episode 9- Hunt the other team dressed as deers with paintball guns, or if one is a deer, avoid being hit by them. Piko gets voted off. Episode 10- Create a three-course meal for Kiyoteru to judge. Three chefs are chosen from each team. Miku gets voted off. Episode 11- Participate in a set of three-out-of-five trust exercises. Shian gets voted off. Episode 12- Make it through Big Al’s life-threatening and disgusting boot-camp challenges. IA gets voted off. Episode 13- Participate in three extreme sport challenges. The challenges are "sofa skydiving", riding a moose while avoiding being tossed off it, and water-skiing on mud. Lapis gets voted off. Episode 14- Eat a nine course meal of disgusting food made by Big Al. Drink shot glasses of blended cockroaches. Yuu gets voted off. Episode 15- Episode 16- Episode 17- Episode 18- Episode 19- Episode 20- Episode 21- Episode 22- Episode 23- Episode 24- Episode 25- Episode 26- Episode 27- Episode 28- Episode 29- Episode 30- Episode 31 Episode 32- Episode 33- Episode 34- Episode 35- Episode 36- Episode 37- Episode 38- Episode 39- Episode 40- Episode 41- Episode 42- Episode 43- After this challenge, the teams are disbanded. It’s now every camper for themself. Episode 44- Get through several rounds of torture, lasting at least ten seconds in each one. Eleanor gets voted off because she can’t take torture. Episode 45- Receive a clue to find a key hidden somewhere in the island to open a treasure chest containing a prize. Ritsu found a dud chest and his prize was… getting voted off. Episode 46- Avoid getting sprayed by Big Al’s water gun in a game of hide and seek. Parsec gets voted off. Good riddance! Episode 47- Build a bike from scratch, and then race it. Who rides who’s bike? Anyway, Dandy gets voted off. Probably because he’s 7 foot 4 and huge. He probably broke all the bikes. Episode 48- Watch a horror movie and then avoid being captured by a "deranged killer". Gumi gets voted off because she was scared. Episode 49- Catch the specific animal assigned by Kiyoteru and bring it back to the campground unharmed. Taya had to bring back a raccoon. He came back first. Koto had to bring back a bear. She came back second. What a total beast! And I’m talking about KOTO! Genbu had to bring back an eagle. He came back third. Leeds had to bring back a frog. She came back fourth. Kaito had to being back a squirrel. He came back fifth. Haku had to bring back a moose. She came back sixth. Tei gets sent off because she couldn’t bring back a mere chipmunk. The little chipmunk was trained in king-fu and ended up beating her up! Hooray! Episode 50- Compete in the following while handcuffed to one of the other campers: eat disgusting food with your hands behind your back while the person handcuffed to you feeds you, return a fragment of Haku’s cursed tiki idol to Boney Island, and assemble a totem pole with the wooden heads of the voted out campers in the order that they are eliminated. Taya gets voted off. Episode 51- Campers have to find Kiyoteru and Big Al after being washed away by a storm. Leeds gets voted off because her condition came to its worse. Her weak heart had finally failed on her and she suffered a heart attack. She was doing so good in the game despite her shortcomings, and will serve as an inspiration for many. Leeds will not die. She is in good hands. She will get top medical care. Now, a twist is revealed to the audience. Everyone who was voted off actually went to go to a beautiful island resort. The remaining campers still don’t know about this. When Leeds finally gets consciousness back, she finds she is in paradise. At first, she thinks she is dead. The room then fills up with everyone else voted off, and she begins crying. “They really killed you?” She cries. “No, Leeds!” Yukari says. “You’re alive! You made it… to Paradise Island!” Episode 52- An episode dedicated to the Island of Losers, which is actually a five-star island resort paradise. Yukari has fully recovered from her injuries. Gakupo and all the others who were eliminated early finally get their time to shine! The losers will also be involved in the episodes to come, as they will be the audience. Episode 53- The campers have to find their way back to camp after being left in the wild with limited supplies. Unexpectedly, our total beast, Koto Fuuga, comes back last. Rumors have it, this is because she found a bird sanctuary and got distracted. Episode 54- Survive a series of dares, given by the eliminated campers until someone drops out. Haku is forced to do something horrible by Tei. Tei dares Haku to joke around and portray offensive stereotypes. On national TV. She just can’t do it… She drops out, but not before insulting Tei to her face. But Kaito says Haku made the right choice. She sacrificed her chance to win a million dollars so that Tei didn’t have to force her to make a choice that could hurt people when they see it on TV. Kaito thinks Haku deserves an amazing consolation prize. Genbu respects Haku for this as well. Episode 55- The two remaining campers have to climb a pole and retrieve a flag, walk across a board on top of shark-infested waters while carrying an eagle's egg, and run a race to cross the finish line. Kaito is about to give up… but… There is ice cream at the finish line! Kaito makes a mad dash to the finish line and wins Total Drama Island!! Episode 56- Kaito won! But there is a twist. In order to actually win the million dollars, he has to find the a case containing the $1,000,000 and bring it to the Dock of Shame before anyone else does! This is a race between him and all the other campers! If any of the other campers being it to the Dock of Shame before Kaito, there will be a whole second season of Total Drama Island, and Kaito will have to win all over again before he gets his million dollars… ———Teams——— ———The Dangerous Dolphins——— Taya Chiyu Meiko Kyo Koto Tei Momo Neru Akaito Clara Gakupo Gumi Shian Dandy Luka Merli Daina Haiyi Lily Len Amy Ken SeeU Cider Teto Haku Uta ———The Killer Porpoises——— Yuuma Zatsune Mew Eleanor Ruby Dell Kaito Ruko Ritsu Wil Leeds Genbu Dex Bruno Iroha Miku Piko IA Chris Kaori Yuu Parsec Rin Lapis Yukari Aku Muxin ———Notable relationships——— Familial- Akaito and Kaito are brothers. Lapis and Merli are adoptive sisters. Haku and Dell are half-siblings who don’t live together, and haven’t seen each other in years before Total Drama Island. Rin and Len are twin siblings. Haku and Miku are cousins. Amy and Chris are cousins. Kaori and Ken are twin siblings, yet distant. They didn’t grow up in the same household. Ruko has a close cousin named Rook, who isn’t on TDI. Momo has an older brother, Momotaro, who isn’t on TDI. Uta has a younger sister, Koe, and two older brothers, Hibiki and Kanade, who aren’t on TDI. Teto has an older brother, Ted, who isn’t on TDI. Leeds has an older brother, Loop, who isn’t on TDI. Yukari has a little sister named Akari who isn’t on TDI. IA has a little sister named One who isn’t on TDI. Friendship- Miku, Rin, Len, and Luka have been a group of friends before TDI Haku and Neru were best friends before TDI Dex and Daina were best friends before TDI Momo, Teto, and Uta were best friends before TDI Ruko meets Ritsu and they become best friends Taya and Muxin become unlikely friends, despite being on different teams Romance- Bruno and Clara were dating before TDI Teto and Momo’s friendship eventually becomes romance. Haku meets Luka and they form a budding romance Amy meets Kaori and they form a budding romance Taya meets Uta and they form a budding romance Muxin meets Piko and they form a budding romance Lily meets Gumi and they form a budding romance Crushes- Len has always a crush on Miku. Tei has an obsessive crush on Kaito. Yukari has a crush on Ruby. Leeds has an embarrassing crush on Genbu. Eleanor has a crush on Yuuma. Ken has a crush on Chris. Dandy has a crush on Parsec. Akaito has a crush on Haku. Zatsune has a crush on Mew. She denies it. Gumi has a crush on IA. Dislike- Dandy and Cider always fight… with a weird sort of tension. Akaito and Uta don’t get along Miku Zatsune and Miku Hatsune don’t get along Lily and Merli don’t get along (MORE COMING SOON)

[leam1983]

On Grief

This is a long one. You're under no obligation to push further if you don't want to. It's a personal post, so I'll more than understand if this isn't to your tastes. The normally-scheduled pedantry, commentary and memes will resume shortly.

One of my relatives was diagnosed with ALS. What started as an odd case of palsy in her left set of vocal cords that could've been far more benign was just confirmed by her referred physician. It's Lou Gherig's, and with her age and current condition, her prognosis is of three to five years, tops. Sure, Stephen Hawking blew his own prognosis out of the water, but a combination of notoriety and luck enabled him to eke out as much existence as medical tech could've possibly allowed.

We knew things were suspect when my aunt, a marathoner with a monthly sub to Runner's World, stopped running. Her food intake dropped like a stone, and she soon took to increasingly simple painting and drawing styles. At first we thought it was just her wanting to explore simpler rendering techniques, but then...

Then we noticed the twitching. How awkwardly her pens and brushes were set in her hands. She was in great shape and didn't mind living in the ass-end of Sutton, basically in the open country and with a path leading up to her front door that was all in rough cobblestones. She broke a hip against them, last year.

Her speech started to slur, lately. Her last bike trip also landed her in the ER. She doesn't bike anymore. She doesn't run, and being a gourmand by nature, feels obligated to restrain herself, for fear of gaining weight. She's aggressively vegan. Not towards others, but towards herself. No meat, no eggs, nothing. Most of us ovo-lactos and omnivores in the family know her constant snacking meant her seventy-plus body is desperate for energy.

From the look of things, it feels like the diagnosis broke through her bullshit reasoning for being vegan. She wasn't vegan for the sake of limiting her carbon footprint or making more responsible choices at the grocery store, but because she, as a lifelong anorexic, thought she was ugly and needed to lose weight. That's been a constant with her. Age catches up and skin sags? She mistakes it for a love handle, cuts out virtually all sources of protein and carbs safe for tofu, seitan and bean-based preps. Of course, like a lot of anorexics, she'd have bulemic episodes. I used to sleep over at her last bachelor pad, as a teen, and I remember her pantry was loaded up for bear with Danish cookie tins, Nutella jars and whipped cream. I remember she invited me over specifically when she intended to cheat. Then it was back to yoga, pot-smoking, meditation and shopping runs - and she probably kept her purging for when I was gone.

So yeah. I'm betting Belgian Asshole (see one of my previous posts) convinced her to break her vows and went looking for a "slice of authentic Tikka Masala", to quote his email. The entire family is made up of ethnic food diehards, so we spam-flooded his inbox with recommendations. Looks like she'll be eating meat again, soon. Her own email mentioned concerns of strength and stamina, so I get it.

Otherwise? We're gobsmacked. Imagine spending an entire weekday both at work and off work, aggressively goofing off because you're trying as hard as you can not to think of your favourite aunt's mention of assisted suicide as an option.

Three to five years. Maybe one, or two good Christmases. After that, her condition should probably have started to deteriorate quickly.

I'm not close with a ton of my own family. I love them all, but it's more a sense of polite respect than anything involving solid bonds. The only two folks I know I'll be devastated for when they'll die are her, and my youngest cousin on the other side of the family.

I'm mostly okay now. No doubts, no crisis of unbelief, no anger, no rage... But then I'll see her in a more diminished state, one of those days. How am I going to take to it?

Part of me keeps a tally of the deaths in the family. First, it was my uncle on my mother's side. Ruptured abdominal artery, with a leak small enough to pool into the gut's cavity for months. Decay settled in, guy got anesthetized for an intervention...

They didn't even bother sewing him back up.

Second one was my other paternal aunt's new husband. First one was great, but left the country in the seventies to go live in Stockholm with his medical assistant. Second one was a geologist and physicist at the same campus she taught as. French guy, the son of innkeepers four generations down. It showed, too. Our Christmas tables haven't been the same since he left us his recipie books, all his corny jokes on provincial eating habits, and his obstinate focus on turning every 25th of December into a Roman orgy probably befitting of the old Saturnalia traditions. I mean, when's the last time you've had an eight-course meal, outside of Thanksgiving?

Tumors in his mesenteric artery lined the blood vessel's inner walls, deposited virtually everywhere in his body. He was diagnosed in June and dead by August. He'd always been the lanky type, bone-thin even if he hoovered food like he'd never have enough. He looked even thinner in his hospital bed.

Then, my maternal grandpa bit it. Decades of casual alcoholism, cirrhosis more or less jumping on him around his seventy-sixth year. He looked a bit like John Keston, the actor who played Gehn in CyanWorlds' Riven. Same hairline, same hawkish nose, same eyes - just more Cajun and less New England-esque. I don't know if it was youth or stupidity or - anything, really, but I dropped by to see him, just two days before he died. I didn't realize he was tallying my life, asking me if I had everything in order, if things were planned.

Now, I understand.

Next one on the chopping block is Aunt Doris, still on Mom's side. She of the serial mooching, she of the concept of not needing much to get by if you were the cute one of the family. She was pretty enough in her prime, sure - if by pretty you meant "cigarette-butt blonde with a discount Farah Fawcett blow-up and an unfinished High School degree". First husband was an abusive ass who gave her an uncommonly sensitive son, second one figured she'd stick to the minimum-wage circuit while he tore out rotator cuffs or busted his C7 while on his outboard like clockwork. By the end, she roped my grandmother into living with her, spent her days sloppy-drunk and died on her ratty couch while falling asleep and choking on her own vomit.

Before them all, the youngest of my uncles died at age two. Cancer. Never knew which one, was told it didn't matter. You didn't survive much of anything cancerous, back in the late fifties.

Ping-pong this back to three years ago, and my oldest paternal uncle dies. Paul, who smoked like a chimney for most of his life and successfully stopped after discovering Champix. He got to live five great years as the high-IQ oddball he'd always been, smoke-free. Paul was the weird bird in the family, the type to remember a really engrossing story at two in the morning and making a note to call you up first thing in the morning to share it. He always had a project of some sort to work on, like a simulated investors' tank for young entrepreneurs looking to learn the ropes, or a Byzantine arrangement of coaxials allowing four of his lakeside neighbours to pirate his cable sub. He'd invite us over for dinner, gather all the ingredients we'd need for whatever it was he wanted to treat us to - and then he'd let us cook it - just sitting by the sidelines, chatting away.

He was also a bit of a narcoleptic, and looked a bit like William Howard Taft if you'd worked him out of these old sack suits and into modern shirts and suspenders. He fell asleep practically everywhere, with his more wakeful environments being his workshop and his property's dock. He took me out fishing, once, and knew what the entire family expected.

"Oars're here, Gremlin, fish're that way. Wake me up when you've got a bite."

At this point, it wasn't even a point of concern; it was just an Uncle Paul Thing, the exact thing you'd have expected out of this kind, eccentric blob of a man whose idea of fishing involved pushing his hat over his eyes and basically all but ensuring that his roaring snores would scare prey away. He'd been a supposedly high-IQ type, terminally bored with almost everything, only really getting agitated and interested back when I asked him for help for my Junior High Computer class's Javascript calculator. Once the syntax hit something familiar and he realized that JS has some similarities with FORTRAN, he was on a roll, acting like someone had snuck a Red Bull in his coffee.

Well, fibrosis caught up with him. His last hours were spent directing us on how to cook what would've been his last meal. I think he really just wanted to know we were alright, that we still could exchange laughs around the kitchen counter. He clocked out the way he always did, except he had an oxygen tube running under his nose. His head bobbed down, he snored loudly for a few minutes, then turned increasingly quiet...

And that was it.

And now there's Isabelle. The marathoner, my partner-in-crime when it comes to professing to have a healthy diet while occasionally cheating in glorious, weekend-defining means, my gateway to cannabis and also the first person who took my cringy self-insert fanfic fodder and went No, that's worth it! Push it, develop that universe of yours!

I wouldn't be almost two-thirds of the way through my first decent manuscript, if not for her, and I wouldn't be shopping for publishers with the same energy you'd reserve for weekend-grade Facebook putzing-about. I owe her part of my self-acceptance, and part of my discovery of what defines my routine to this day. Isabelle was my first meditation coach.

And in three to five years, she might be gone.

I just thought grief might be... noisier, is all. Louder. Right now, it's just germane to confusion, and it's sitting there. There's a pinch of fear in it, too. My parents are in their mid-sixties. How long do I have left with them?!

And the family and I just covered that up with jokes and, well, cooking. I've been told I'd make a half-decent therapist but - navigating your own emotions is hard work...

I don't know. I guess I needed to put this down somewhere.

[thespiralgrimoire]

And now for something nobody asked for, a next gen character aka a gate baby!!

Leomaris was the last of this batch of kids that we made and was also the last to show up, despite not being the youngest kid of the bunch (he's second youngest). His character is still kind of fluid, if you can't tell from the hair. I think I've got the big things figured out and hopefully this will be his final design

SO, Leomaris (known almost exclusively as Maris) is Meoroleona and Yamis. He appeared during the wedding fiasco. Meoroleona found him hiding among her stuff while she was packing up after the party and did a quick survey on if anyone else imprinted on him, and when Yami did she threw him at him and ran. But that was just fine since Yami was already dealing with two of these little interdimensional gremlins so a third wasn't an big bump in the road

Maris spends most of his time at the Black Bulls hideout but he does know his Vermillion family. He just doesn't get along with them well. He's not outgoing, he's not a flame magic user, he's not high-strung, and he didn't inherit any of the classic Vermillion traits (the red eye liner, bright red hair, the pointy teeth, the booming voice), so he feels like a black sheep among the Vermillions. On top of that, his personality and his magic are off-putting to some people. Not that any of them treat him different on purpose, but they see him, like, 3 times a year, so there's no real comraderie to build on and we all know that Vermillions are pack animals. Over the years he came to accept that while being a Vermillion was a cool bragging right, it didn't actually mean that much to him and he's perfectly happy sticking with his Black Bulls family. Hence dropping the 'Leo' from his name and using his father's surname unless he's around Vermillions.

He started questioning his gender when he was pretty little (like, 4 or 5) and the Black Bulls were like "Do you want to pretend you're a boy and see how you feel?" He said yes and he liked it so it's all well and good! He's non-binary but uses he/him pronouns.

He's mostly blind due to winning a sun staring contest against his older brother and sister when he was little. His eyes are super sensitive to light, so he just walks around with them closed most of the time. To "see" he reads ki and he also uses his shadow mana like a sixth sense, letting it billow out from his person and feeling his surroundings with it. But it's shadow magic, so if you don't know what's coming, it tends to give you the creeps. Imagine the feeling of seeing shadows moving out of the corner of your eye. It's that feeling. Spoopy. Hence him not being super good at meeting new people.

He smiles almost all the time regardless of how he's feeling, which can also creep people out. When he was little he thought it made him more approachable (before he lost his eyesight he was just shy and introverted) and now it's a habit. If he's not smiling then things are going really, really bad.

By his teens his personality is basically 6 personas in a trench coat. To keep from being shy (and to keep up with the black bulls) he's taken to being sarcastic and eccentric in his words but his body language and tone never caught up, so his jokes come out super dry and he's generally hard for people to read. He speaks in a very lackadaisical monotone almost exclusively. He likes doing and saying things for shock value in the hopes that the right people will be intimidated by it but it's mostly just made him The Weird Kid. Eventually he got comfortable acting that way though and he doesn't really want to try to be more approachable, too much work.

Which means he's ride or die for the people who are already comfortable with him, i.e. the black bulls and his older siblings. His older siblings (especially Dust Mite) are SUPER protective of him to the point that they probably scare away well meaning people with the bullies, but Maris is such an oddball and he's secretly kind of sensitive and they don't want to take any chances

He has no plans to join the magic knights and has joked about becoming a bog witch but in all honesty he's pretty directionless. While his magic could be pretty powerful if honed, it's not combat-oriented as he's used it as an accessibility tool and not a weapon. Yami is low-key planning to make him a black bull if he can't figure anything out, since Maris genuinely hasn't thought about what he would do if he moved out of the black bulls hideout and the black bulls would miss him very much if he left anyway

Anyway he's great and I love him

[horrorsleazetrash]

$300 Apartment by T.H. Cee

At the ripe old age of eighteen, I decided to move out and get my first apartment. Inexperienced and broke — never a good combination — I searched for the cheapest place to live, crossing out every ad in the newspaper above $300. I eventually found a place a few days later. In my mind, I’d stumbled upon the deal of a lifetime. Several units were available in a large and quaint old home converted into a two-story apartment house. From what I remember, the faded wallpaper masked an antique visage that borderlined on decay. A nicotine-stained ambience plastered the rooms with a cancerous yellow. You could almost hear the chipping lead paint crumble. Rehabbed just enough to convey the concept of occupancy, the structure appeared to be either on the verge of becoming an historic home or winning an eminent domain raffle. But the great news — the landlord advised basic utilities were included — all for $300 a month. In a hurry, I quickly leased a two-bedroom apartment on the second floor, and through a belief that my frugal search was somehow successful, mistakenly ignored the rest of the area. My naïve ears failed to warn me what the surrounding neighborhood tried to say. On a budget and motivated solely by price, the crazy taste of freedom had blinded me to the imperfections of what $300 could … and could not buy. ### The first day living there, I noticed a large hole in the bottom of a bedroom closet. A few hours later, I met my downstairs neighbor, Jizz Man. Jizz Man, when informed of my discovery, quickly held his needle ravaged arms up two feet apart. With wide eyes and a graphic vigor, he described the actual size of a rat he’d seen scurrying from his unit the day before. Somewhat of a philosopher, his potent use of simile immediately grabbed my attention. “That fucker,” he said matter-of-factly, “. . . was larger than a cat.” ### The next day, I met one of my next-door neighbors. For the record, I don’t recall his name. But for the sake of keeping things concise, being this is a story — let’s just call him “Old Alcoholic Dude” or Mr. Oad for short. It's also important to note that Mr. Oad was married, to none other than Mrs. Oad, who as my luck would have it ... was also an alcoholic. Mr. Oad banged on my door promptly at 8 a.m. With ass breath, he welcomed me to the neighborhood, and in a gruff tone, offered me the deal of a lifetime: a no risk chance to double my money, to experience high finance at its most primal level. “Just give me $10,” he said slurring his words, “and you can have $20 back in food stamps.” He then began to clear his throat with a cockeyed grin; in my mind, I watched three wet coughs form an imaginary ellipsis and introduce daylight to dark phlegm. My first impressions were that his liquid habit had washed away too many brain cells, that the man couldn’t chew a stick of gum and walk a sobriety line. I also surmised he probably wasn’t going to buy Girl Scout cookies with the proceeds — that is, unless they were somehow laced with rum. The scene played out like a dental nightmare, with Mr. Oad's breath reminiscent of a used anal thermometer thirsting for alcohol. The putrid wind expelled from his lungs hit my nose as if it were a fecal brick. In my mind, he’d become the unofficial spokesperson for the hazards of not flossing. Our conversation ended abruptly when I told him I had no cash. He quickly turned away quite frustrated, and in a welcome reprieve of sorts, spared me his next exhale. With a mixture of tenacity (and a possible case of the DTs) he started knocking on another door before I could close mine. In retrospect, I suppose many great sales motivators would have been proud. ### At the time, I had a girlfriend named Darcy. She was a Drama major and from what I remember a bit on the ostentatious side. Notorious for changing her hair color as often as her underwear, she possessed the unfortunate luck of being an eccentric bohemian. Back then, I overlooked these personality quirks primarily because of her bra size. That much I remember. As a young man in those days, I’d begun to look at many things on a sliding scale — and breasts happened to be one of them. Darcy was excited to see my place. She happily bounced from room to room and rambled on ad nauseum. “I love this. I love that,” she would say. In many ways, the girl was easy to please. Along with the apartment, we had a bed and didn’t have to use the backseat of my Gremlin anymore. I no longer needed to cover her face with a sweater attempting to keep the decibel level to a minimum. Not a huge fan of multi-tasking during sex, it was pretty much a win-win. ### Even my best friend Derrick liked my new digs. He’s been dead now for twenty years, but I still remember the first time he strutted into my apartment on that day — how he looked around a few moments before using his favorite catchphrase and part-time mantra. “Cool.” A person of few words, Derrick would always be cool to me — Miles Davis cool. If there’s a heaven, I surmise he's up there right now, fornicating with all the female angels and snorting fairy dust. Maybe even looking down at me and throwing high fives. We were kindred spirits back then, teenagers at that mysterious turning point of becoming men, keeping true to what decades later would be called the “Bro Code.” On occasion, I’d let Derrick bring women to my apartment after I left for work or school. From an economic standpoint, it became the barter system at its finest. All he had to do for me was leave a six-pack in the fridge and occasionally change the sheets. Mi casa, su casa.   ### My new life, however, did not escape peril despite these obvious perks. Enticed by the idea of saving money, I’d not yet learned how greed could inversely make things more expensive. An acquaintance talked me into taking on a roommate after a few weeks living alone. According to him, the dude “walked on water.” My main regret: finding out too late, he literally thought he could. I discovered after the fact that my new roommate, Brian, worked nights, and while not sleeping during the day, went door to door handing out his religious cult’s magazines. Unfortunately, this didn't get disclosed until after he'd moved in. Footnote for the naïve, the absolute first thing to ask before you shake hands and give anyone a key: You’re not crazy, are you? I'd always considered myself open-minded. Even somewhat spiritual. A huge fan of the “love thy neighbor” concept — especially females. If you’d asked Darcy, she would have vouched for me back then. But nevertheless, after several weeks, Brian’s proselytizing, no matter how much I tried to ignore it, took a strange and unexpected twist. With his “brotherly acceptance” stepping over into the dark side, he portrayed a different type of Passion Play, and to my surprise, soon crossed the thin bromosexual line of no return. Because he’d been my first roommate, I'd assumed it was normal to see him occasionally walk around naked. This belief, however, quickly changed when he added an erection into the mix, accompanied by garish bouts of living room masturbation theatre. Then, slinking into my room one night, his hands made the fatal mistake of moving from his penis toward mine. Not wanting to be a rape statistic, I taught him through a chokehold to speak in tongues. From the apartment to the hall, he got his ass pounded — and not the way he would’ve preferred. At the highpoint of our skirmish, my pugilistic rendition of the Last Rights almost introduced him to his maker. You would have thought he'd been thrilled. But when push came to shove, the man had no faith. Our battle ended with his baptism to the bottom of the first-floor stairs compliments of my large heterosexual foot. To summarize the moment: “‘No’ means no!” What devolved into a homoerotic adaptation of “Dante’s Inferno,” ended in forty days, and almost forty nights, if you included the evening I ended our arrangement by kicking that conflicted simian down a flight of stairs. In hindsight, the situation helped me understand a few things — like why my cousin, for amusement, always comes to the door naked when Jehovah’s Witnesses knock. ### A few days after getting rid of St. Brian (the Patron Saint for homos in denial), I discovered my other neighbor, who’d recently moved in, worked as a prostitute. This knowledge compliments of rolling paper-thin walls and a thick headboard that banged out a raunchy Morse Code. Weirdly, it was a result of this discovery that Darcy developed her own version of drama exercises to, I assume, hone her budding thespian skills. It started one night while both of us were in the throes of “enjoying each other’s company.” As we lay in bed, we overheard my neighbor on the other side of the wall working overtime. After listening to her and her John’s theatrics for a few moments, Darcy suggested, just for laughs, to emulate them. This meant, when my neighbor moaned or screamed, Darcy would do the same; when my neighbor’s “trick” made any sound, I would mimic it. We would also have to make these noises while doing what they were doing on the other side of the wall. In a matter of seconds, the moment transformed into an erotic version of Twister choreographed to an X-rated soundtrack. “Spank me daddy,” screamed the hooker. “Spank me daddy,” Darcy shouted. Et cetera, et cetera, ad infinitum … If you’d asked Darcy at the time, she would’ve said the exercise had been about (in a dramatic voice): “transcending the emotion” or “being able to duplicate the acting experience.” That’s at least what she told me. This off-the-wall form of role-playing she’d concocted became hilarious. Especially, when we realized they could hear us on the other side, befuddled about what to make of it — like maybe their apartment was special in some way or had built in reverb. It also makes me wonder today if Darcy is now a porn star. When I consider all of the factors, it would make a lot of sense. “What the fuck was that?” said the John. “What the fuck was that?” I echoed. “Shut up and put your finger in my ass,” yelled the Prostitute. “That’s not your finger,” moaned Darcy. Et cetera, et cetera, ad infinitum … The other thing that wasn’t so cool about my neighbor, the working girl — she had a pimp. This deduction came from the noisy conversations that often followed when he'd show up. Keeping pretty much to the same predictable script, he’d always start out yelling something like, “Aww Hell Naw!” and then make some loose reference to where his drugs were kept followed by many sentences ending in the word “bitch.” Their meetings either closed with a classic pimp ritual common to the “Slap-a-Ho” tribe or an S&M session on angel dust. After a while, it became too difficult to tell the difference. ### For most young people, one’s first apartment becomes a ceremonial rite of passage. A path toward adulthood. Mine, however, had jumped the tracks and taken a nefarious turn; before I realized what happened, I found myself trapped in what seemed a ghetto bar mitzvah — one where I'd wished my yarmulke (if I even had one) were bulletproof. To avoid the constant drama, I struggled to keep a low profile. If one tenant didn’t have the police at their door, another one did. I became the poor college kid amidst all this wild trailer trash excitement. Then, one day, everything went sideways and shitty. Mr. and Mrs. Oad began to go on longer binges where they brazenly avoided sobriety for days at a time. I’d hear them up at all hours yelling and screaming. Even crying. And sometimes around 3 a.m., I would listen to Mrs. Oad loudly whimper the following: “I’ll be your German. Let me be your German.” The deviant sounds that followed, molested my ears. Also causing me to throw up a little in my mouth. Had you been able to read my thoughts back then, you probably would’ve seen a pink elephant wearing a Speedo. And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, the situation did. My neighbor’s long benders bled one into another and took on a sinister dimension, becoming one never-ending event. Mrs. Oad, the more dramatic of the two, did one of two things intermittently: She would climb naked out of her second story window onto a large tree and scream at passing airplanes or she would run naked around the building with a machete. Before I realized what happened, it became a National Geographic episode outside my door. I’m not sure where she got the machete. Truth is, her charging at me with the mighty blade effectively killed my curiosity to stop and ask. Every time I heard some bimbo tell me about how grueling her aerobics class had been in those days, I’d think of Mrs. Oad, her wrinkled and gravity-ravaged body, weapon in hand, chasing me up a flight of stairs. It somehow didn't compare. The situation, over time, took on a theatrical déjà vu. When she screamed naked from her tree at airplanes, the moment reminded me of the character Tattoo on “Fantasy Island,” the little person known famously for the line “Da Plane! Da Plane!” Thirty years later, this memory remains. When flying, I often catch myself looking out the window, wondering if there are other Mrs. Oads down there somewhere, and if so, are they staring upward, challenging me in some unknown existential way. Say what you will about the woman, her movements were quick despite her obvious age. The police came out numerous times, but every time they’d show up, she’d sneak into her apartment before they could record the offense. This wouldn’t happen today, as the same circumstance would’ve easily gone viral the first hour. Viva la YouTube.   ### Along with the approaching heat of summer, however, Mrs. Oad’s psychosis escalated. Her behavior became more defiant. Everyone sensed she was moving toward an impending and inevitable face-off — one where I'd hoped to enjoy eight hours of sleep after someone carted her ass off in a straitjacket. But after several weeks, there was still no end in sight. Like a hurricane stalling offshore, this quagmire of dysfunction neither waxed nor waned. But then one day, everything suddenly changed. I remember how Derrick and I trudged our way into the local grocery store. We were there in aisle three, when Tom, an old friend from high school appeared. Along with serendipity and a giant bag of weed, he'd moved back into town. He also needed a roommate. Thirty minutes later, the three of us sat in Tom's van, and over a few beers and the occasional bong hit, a new roommate alliance was forged. He even offered to help move. My luck appeared to be changing. That afternoon, we became the Three Musketeers, local Ganja Chapter 420. Poster boys for P.S.A.'s against reefer madness. Our perspective clouded by copious amounts of THC, we could have doubled for the Three Stooges with a profound case of the munchies. Derrick and I, for humor’s sake, decided not to warn Tom about Mrs. Oad's theatrics while on our way to retrieve my stuff, and on a last minute dare, looked forward to the opportunity of watching him discover this spectacle for himself. The moment would be priceless. Of course, when Derrick and I decided to do this, we planned on only letting Tom carry the light stuff. Say what you will about my sense of humor; I am not a monster. Once we arrived back at my $300 apartment, however, the timing could not have been worse. We found ourselves staring into the pinnacle of Mrs. Oad’s latest and greatest binge. She sat perched in her tree, like a sentry at a bipolar nudist colony, babbling something about Germans again. After Tom stopped laughing and got up off the ground, we each drew imaginary straws. Our strategy was simple: The three of us would slink onto the property and take turns running into the building like wasted commandos on some secret recon mission. We hoped to avoid any confrontation, and with hands full, desired to bolt out the front door with as much of my belongings as we could carry. I’m not sure what was worse, the threat of seeing an approaching machete or Mrs. Oad’s prune-like naked body with breasts jiggling at half-mast. The circumstance nurtured in me, apart from the potential risk for retinal scarring, a rock-solid appreciation for older women who wear support bras. We’d just finished loading up the van when police arrived. In my opinion, six months too late. Mrs. Oad held the machete in her hand with her eyes locked on the approaching news helicopter while she clung screaming from her tree. Caught up in the pandemonium, I suddenly heard my landlord’s booming voice. He’d just pulled up behind the gathering crowd, seen all my belongings in Tom’s van, and realized I was moving out. As a bargaining chip, I said he could keep my deposit in exchange for early termination of my lease. I also promised not to walk over to the news crew and tell them about his many code violations. Although initially annoyed, he quickly accepted my proposition. Smart man. We ended the transaction through a quick handshake. With a firm grip, he wished me well over the windy effects of the chopper and sporadic bullhorn shouts from police. He even said he’d give me a stellar reference. In many ways, I often think of that moment as my first step toward a higher credit score. From the front passenger seat of Tom’s van, I now saw Mrs. Oad on the ground in the fetal position, her naked body tangled and sedated in a police net. A tranquilizer dart protruded from her cellulite riddled ass. I took one final look back at my $300 apartment. Immersed in the bittersweet dysfunction of it all, I sensed my residency there had come full circle. I realized someday I would hold a different perspective and have to laugh … maybe even write a story. --- T.H.Cee has had other short stories published in Black Fox and New Praxius. He also had another story that will be published this month at Oddville Press.   --- Show your love for Horror Sleaze Trash by following us and checking out the links below! --- Facebook . Instagram . Twitter . Patreon . HST Merch!

[emocatkeith]

every 2 months or so i am sucked right back into batman and this godforsaken gremlin man. so, i decided to expand more of my bm oc cast, and since i don’t think i’ve ever shown these dudes off, here they are now! Also, still deciding on the weapons they should use and what designs they should be, but I’m satisfied for what I have now.

check below to see their prototype-ish designs and some info about them! it’s valentine’s day and im going to indulge in my adoration for my ocs, god damn it!

All five of them work as “henchmen” under Jervis Tetch’s command. Of course, they’re still wacky and unique in their own right, so Jervis often gets a headache when trying to corral them back into doing what they’re supposed to do. Despite this, the Wonderland Gang (shut up this is their name for now as cheesy as it sounds) treat each other like family and are ride-or-die for one another.

[From Left to Right, starting at the top]

(TW: Transgender/Possibly ableist bullying, mind-control, violence, child abuse, & body horror/gore, jic!!)

- Baily Aubre “Deck O’ Kards” (usually shortened to just Kards) - 24 - Female (AMAB) - Baily was a gymnast-in-training during her school years, and hoped to go on into the Olympics. However, she lived in a more “traditional” town, and the boys often picked on Baily due to her feminine-acting ways. But when she discovered she was actually trans, she became a social outcast and general pariah, and had to both quit her gymnastic career dreams and to transition into home-schooling instead. Due to never being able to really trust others in social situations, Baily only really cared about her widowed mother, whom she depended a lot on. So, when she passed, Baily didn’t know what to do, and since her apprehension among groups of people didn’t motivate her to go to college, she soon went into shady businesses instead. She worked as a henchman for multiple rogues and soon set herself upon a criminal record, but she had grown fond of Jervis and his goals. But, as time went on, Baily realized she wanted to go onto bigger things in life and tried to convince Tetch to do the same. When that didn’t work, Baily attempted to walk out on him, but didn’t see him approach her, and just when she got a few feet away from him, Jervis knocked her out. Due to his obsessiveness and loneliness problems, he told himself that the only way to keep her around was to mess with her brain a bit, to make her more loyal to him. Baily is still witty and cautious on dangerous situations, but now she’s willing to sacrifice herself for Jervis. Though, her personality was mainly remained intact, her memories of her past was completely rewritten and changed to Tetch’s liking. It’s unknown if there is a way to undo the effects of his tampering, but a scar permanently remains wrapped around her head and hidden under her hair as a reminder of what he did.

-  Jackie Summers “March Hare” - 20 - Male (AFAB) - Jackie was a major sweetheart back in his youth, but constantly hyperactive and excited. Unfortunately, he was very gullible and naive into being tricked or pranked by other kids, and often scolded by his teachers and parents for getting bad grades or not listening during class. Though, he still remained an optimist, hoping that one day someone will be a true friend to him. But the bullying and harsh attitude to him only got worse as time went on, even beyond his school days. In Gotham, he was a college student studying theatre and visited the local library many times during the month. One day, as he browsed through the fiction setting, he picked up a copy of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland out of curiosity. He was spooked, however, when a man approached him and excitedly started talking to him. But, Jackie wasn’t adverse to conversation and soon became friends with the man he soon would learn was Jervis. But, since he hadn’t transitioned yet, he still had long blonde hair that his new friend would often fond over. While confused, Jackie didn’t question it and loved the newfound attention he got from Jervis. But, one day as the library started to close up and the secretary decided to hand the keys over to Jackie, Jervis strolled in with a new tea recipe he wanted Jackie’s opinion on. Being oblivious to his intent, he agreed and drank the tea, but soon would get knocked out and wake back up to find Jervis, dressed up in his Hatter assemble, trying to get Jackie to play the role as his Alice. Afraid and not knowing what to do (and hating the itchy dress Jervis put on him over his regular clothes), Jackie appealed to Jervis by instead exclaiming he would rather be the March Hare than Alice. While slightly disappointed at first, Jervis relented, but found Jackie to be a much better suit for that character in the first place due to his eccentric personality (a side-effect of being in drama classes too much, haha). Likewise, Jackie found himself becoming much more attracted to the March Hare character and wanted to continue helping out his new friend. So, when Batman tried to rescue him from Tetch, Jackie instead fought him (with Batman clearly winning) but as both were sent to Arkham, they decided to become partners-in-crime together.

- Eenah Lyle “Dormouse” - 19 - Nonbinary/Genderfluid (it fluctuates) - Eenah has always been the quiet type, preferring to listen rather than conversate. Even though they had bad narcolepsy, Eenah found themself to be a fantastic bodybuilder at a young age and strengthened themself up for wrestling competitions. Eenah soon went on a winning streak, and went towards becoming the ultimate wrestler in all of Gotham. But that came to a close when they won against another diva, who was furious that Eenah won. So, thanks to their narcolepsy, Eenah passed out and woke up right after their bus-ride back home left without them. But they were approached by a gang that were hired by the diva to “rough Eenah up”. While they fought as hard as they could, Eenah was outnumbered and brutally got beaten on, who left when their lower jaw broke. Eenah was left there until a random passersby stumbled upon their body and got them to a hospital. Despite being able to repair most of the damage that was done to them, their jaw would always be crooked from now on. This prevented them from going on into the championships and Eenah lost everything after that. Fueled by fury and revenge, Eenah went on a rampage one day, finding the gang and diva that ruined their life and murdering them without a hint of mercy. Afterwards, they went on the run, coming across Jackie who they attempted to mug for food money. Instead though, Eenah found kindness they hadn’t felt in a long time, and waringly, followed Jackie back to Jervis. They found that Jackie and Jervis was trustworthy enough to be around, and soon that trustworthiness evolved into a tight friendship. Now, while being more on stealth missions, is able to hold their own against Batman or anyone else who intends to mess with them or their friends.

- Karoline Hudson “Queen of Hearts” - 14 - Female - Raised in a high-class, European family, Karoline was a sweet girl and had a kind family that hoped for the best for her future. Everything was looking great for Karoline and her family, but that peace was soon disrupted by a large group of people who viciously murdered her family and was kidnapped by them among many of her prized possessions/wealth to be sold. After seeing how cruel people could be, Karoline’s pure demeanor was ripped to shreds, leaving only a shell that felt empty. But, as the group arrived to Gotham, they got into a fight with another group of people, allowing Karoline to sneak away from her prison and run off into the streets. Unfortunately, nobody knew of the Hudson family and thought she was just a beggar on the streets, rambling crazy talk, and left her out on the rain. Three years pass, and Karoline has become a scavenger and unwilling of other people’s help due to fear of hurting her or taking her back to those people. So, when Jackie and Eenah found Karoline shivering in the rain, they were surprised at how snappy and mean this little girl was. But, Eenah reached a hang out to her, and started to tell of their own story. While still being highly aware of any sudden or suspicious movements, she was surprised to find that they weren’t trying to trick her at all. Jervis, although also shocked at how sharp-tongued Karoline was, welcomed her with open arms. Karoline still remains to be cautious of anything they might do to hurt her in some form, she found a new family that were generous and nice towards her. She likes to take charge most of the time, but often relents to Jervis’ pleads to just let him do the blueprints for god’s sake. She also likes to pick on everyone, especially Kard, but would kill anybody who would say or do something that would harm them. Karoline also has a small plush rabbit, stitched heavily due to wear-and-tear, that has dirty yet white fur, kept from her young days before she was taken away.

Chester Bennett “Cheshire Cat” - 38 - Male - Chester was always a nice man, liking to help others out even at the cost of his own time or safety. But, he also grew up poor and scrounged around for any money that he could find. His kindness had a limit though, especially towards rich or stuck-up people that believe they’re better than everyone else. While hating getting into debt, Chester had no choice but to relent to one of the top mob-bosses in Gotham, Roman Sionis, just to live. Though, as his constant failures at regaining the money towards Sionis persisted, Chester knew he had made a horrible mistake into working for Sionis when he was strung up and, as punishment for disappointing the mob-boss too many times, went through excruciating pain as his skin was ripped off from his muscles. Thankfully, he called the police before he was dragged to the warehouse, but the GCPD was too late. Roman Sionis and his henchmen had left Chester there to bleed out, who was barely alive at that point. Through hospital care, he survived, but was told that his epidermis would never recover from this trauma and would have to wear bandages to avoid harmful outside influences or blood leakage. Time went on, yet Chester never got over the traumatizing event and could hardly keep a stable job more than a month. Out of all of Gotham, there was one place Chester would go whenever he felt emotional: Storybook Land. He snuck in at night through a hole in the fence and wandered into the Wonderland area, and just as he got to the Caterpillar room, he broke down and sobbed underneath a mushroom. He jumped however when a voice above him asked what was wrong. Somehow, Jervis, who promptly introduced himself to Chester, had snuck his way into Storybook Land that night too and wanted to know why Chester was crying. He didn’t know why he started to vent towards this random stranger, but since nobody listened to him and instead veered away due to his off-putting appearance, finally having someone who would listen to him. Jervis nodded along, sympathizing while not being patronizing, and the two of them soon went on a long chat. Chester hadn’t felt this happy for so long, and found a friend in Jervis. Both met up at Storybook Land during night just to talk about their day, until Jervis brung in the new and improved costume of the Cheshire Cat the theme park got and, since he noticed he always wanted to cover up, they could have fun together dressed up as the Mad Hatter and the titular cat. Chester agreed, and found the costume to be surprisingly flexible and comfortable, not actually wanting to take it off. While apprehensive and shocking at first when Jervis spilled the beans about his Rogue status, Chester continued wanting to be friends with him and be a part of his makeshift gang. The others hit off Chester fast, and before he knew it, the man found himself a new home in the form of, frankly, a bunch of crazy people. And, to his own shock, he liked the company. 

hope you liked all that cheesy backstory stuff lmao. i was scared at first to post their backstories but i thought why the heck not. hope you guys like these misfits!

[pixel-sylveon]

im going through my notes for all the characters in rising tides and im just

I need this creativity back

here read these they’re hilarious

Sun & Moon

Siblings – twins

Just moved from Kanto with their mom half way through the school year so January I guess b/c Canadian system lol

16

“sun acts like the sun and moon acts like the moon”

Moon:

Reserved 

Art kid

 Also loves archery tho

Tunes everyone out with music when they first move

A huge closet nerd

If she has to talk to people she’s really polite though??

Once she opens up she’s all memes

“one day she sees someone running stupidly and she just whispers quietly to no one ‘is that kid naruto running’ and someone hears and THE CATS OUTTA THE BAG”

“Hau just starts droppin really weird and obscure refs to shit and whenever moon reacts he knows”

Has a group of online friends that are basically some of the other protags from different regions all going to schools

Gremlin

Sarcastic

Into r/nosleep

Generally likes creepy shit n horror games n anime

ESPECIALLY HITORI KAKURENBO

She Wants to Believe

Space aesthetic

Sun:

Outgoing

Kinda athletic but basically a Dork

Becomes buddies with Hau like Right Away

And basically the rest of the gang

Drags Moon everywhere at first because “she needs to socialize”

Moon helps him with homework a lot

Really likes baking and cleaning??

Always outside regardless of weather

But also loves video games (shares this w/ Moon)

Started calling Gladion “Red Eyes Black Dragon” and it stuck

Gives everyone really cute nicknames

Does part-time jobs because he can

Gladion:

RED EYES BLACK DRAGON

Edgelord

17

Is honestly really smart??

Can generally be found in the library studying during lunch

Wears a barrette and glasses when studying/reading/doing anything productive really

Closet memester

Or at least he’s quiet about it

Hiding Null from the popo

Everyone’s Pokémon Loves Him

Ends up running off at one point and finds his dad

Gets a part time job maybe

Does everything he can to protect Lillie from Lusamine until it becomes too much

No one can really do anything for them since Lusamine is such a huge influence

She’s like the gross mom at PTA meetings

Sewing protégé

Likes tea more than coffee

Endless supply of poke beans

Is so used to anxiety attacks he just shrugs them off tbh

Strong Boi

Doting older brother

Was forced to take music lessons with Lillie, so he kind of knows how to play piano. However, he’s really good at singing and fucking hates this.

Vents his frustrations via punk rawk

Is in a lot of research-oriented classes (he wants to take aether from lusameanie after all)

DOES NOT HAVE A SWEARING BONE IN HIS BODY

He completely falters whenever Lillie swears (super rare) and has a mini heart attack

Will chastise people if they swear too much and tell them to go read a dictionary

Lillie:

Blessed sweetheart

Blue Eyes White Dragon

16

Absolutely Pure

Mom Friend (besides Mallow)

Diligent Student

Really loves Shiron b/c Shiron

Loves slice of life anime

Phone games

Lives on twitter tbh

Good at hiding her internet presence

Embraces girly things

I can see her being musically inclined

Ephemeral by Akira Kosemura sounds like music that sounds like her at first tbh

Yeah. She’s the Music Kid. It has been decided

Got Gladion into Love Live lbr here

Going for walks and exploring nature is one of her past times;; when she can

Hau:

SUNSHINE BOMB EX

16

Loves malasadas and cute things

Has an aesthetic blog

Cares more about graduating to take the trial challenge then to actually learn anything

Yolo

C r y p t I d s I g h t I n g s

Will gladly go shopping for clothes any day

Plays with everyone’s hair

Worries too much about everyone

Will bring ten lunches with him so that everyone is fed

The third mom dad friend

“Hi ___ I’m Dad”

Horrible puns

Him and Sun equal T r o u b l e

Ilima:

Shy bi and ready to cry

17

Is another art kid

But he’s more into sculpting than painting

Probably has a youtube account with 150k subscribers or smth

Vlogs for days

Really likes doing shit with editing programs, be it movies, music or art

Went to Kalos for a year and misses their cafes

Doesn’t necessarily hit on everyone, but he does love to flirt

Upstanding Gentleman

Appeals more to emotion than logic

Is super good at pairing people off

Always wins cards against humanity

Always has deeply invested conversations about aesthetic with Lillie and Hau

Jams out to Cascada unironically

Mallow:

Will put your best cookies to shame

17

Girls Are Cute

Life Goals or Wife Goals?

Always Chipper Until You Piss Her Off

Snide remarks up the wazoo

Probably knows how to play the chocobo theme on otamatone

Is actually a really picky eater

Loves grass types so much she has a garden for them to play and plant stuff in

Teasing people is her favourite pastime

The original mom friend

Goes running every morning

Knows some of the dances to love live songs and does them with Lillie

Kiawe:

Everyone loves him

I’m not even joking he’s the most popular person in school

And he’s such a sweetheart

17

MOST ATHLETIC

Knows ALL THE DANCE TYPES

Or most of them anyway

Refuses to put on a shirt until the school installs air conditioning

Morning bird since he lives on a farm

SECRETLY A HUGE NERD but only Sumo group knows this

Like, Huge

Knows Cruel Angel’s Thesis off by heart

Loves shoujo anime

Always excited to help people train their pokemon!!!

Always keeps up with current events

Really. Don’t read the newspaper just go to Kiawe and he’ll tell you the exact time and date something happened

Has sang I’m Gonna Be with Sun

Maybe almost accidentally set the school on fire while he was practicing his fire dancing

Lana:

Biggest Legend of Zelda fan in existence

Favourite temple is the water temple always

16

Swimming and fishing forever and always

Soft spoken but loves to cause trouble and sass shit up with Mallow

Does super intense nail art

Sophocles:

The smart kid that puts in no effort and fucks off all class and still gets straight As

15

Just let him make stuff its f i n e

Super into robotics

No one knows why he doesn’t just go to an acclaimed university to challenge himself

It might be the malasadas

Also his family

Spams the chats with pepe frog memes

Mina:

Art Hoe Aesthetic

17

Will stop, drop and roll at any point in the day if inspiration hits her

Lives off iced coffee tbh

Loves to paint landscapes

Loves indie video games

And shows with eccentric art styles (pmmm)

Once she gets in the zone ilima tends to leave her food and coffee because she tends to not move for like three or four hours

Takes Alolan legends v seriously

Respects a lot of important stuff even if it seems like she cares about her art more than anything

Has no music taste so she requests someone to play their music and gets inspiration from that

Acerola:

Spoopy child

16

Love creepy vocaloid music

BACTERIAL CONTAMINATION

And psychological/horror anime/games/shows/movies

Can talk animatedly about r/nosleep with moon for hours prolly

Cryptid sightings part two: electric boogaloo

Constantly calls Gladion a chuunibyou

Mimikyu follows her everywhere even though its not really her pokemon

Will sometimes be seen with a drifloon with arms tried around her wrist

[fathersonholygore]

Ahhhhh. The house smells of cinnamon and cookies, it’s warm, cozy. Hot chocolate, egg nog with an extra drop of something in it. Perfect time to settle in with some movies. Especially some scary ones, or at the very least something weird and wild. Santa-themed horror movies are a sub-genre unto their own. Usually it’s the typical slashers you’d expect. Then there are some truly great surprises, such as the disturbing psychothriller Christmas Evil, one of the greatest slashers ever made Black Christmas. And then there are other Christmas horror flicks, like the classic Gremlins. This year, I tried picking out a few holiday gems I haven’t included on lists for the previous years. Some of them aren’t so much gems as they are very rough yet enjoyable little trinkets picked out of the trough. Moreover, this isn’t a list that’s strict. I’m bending the rules; in certain cases, big time. Bear with me. We all celebrate the holidays in our own way. With that in mind, let’s take a look at a few horrors worth throwing on during the season, on a dark, snowy night, in the comfort of your home where nothing bad could ever happen so close to Christmas, right? RIGHT?

Oh, and if you’re mad at something I put on the list, get a grip on yourself – I’m in the holiday spirit, one way or another. Fucking sue me.

1) Tales from the Crypt (1972 film) 1st Segment: “And All Through the House”

Not only does this segment involve Joan Collins playing a housewife who’s had enough of her husband’s shit, murdering him, it also includes a killer Santa Claus in the form of an escaped asylum patient dressed as jolly ole Saint Nick roaming free in her neighbourhood. The murderous Mr. Claus arrives while Joan is trying to cover up what she’s done, so it makes for a real holiday treat. The part about this one that gets me is the Santa, he’s dishevelled and uneasy looking, exactly like an escaped mental patient who killed some Salvation Army bell ringer and stole his beard and outfit. Add that to a frantic Joan Collins trying her best to survive this horrible man, you’ve got some fine horror for Christmastime!

+

Tales from the Crypt (TV series) Season 1, Episode 2: “And All Through the House”

This TV adaptation of the segment from the 1972 film isn’t as good, but it’s still damn fun. It’s got another solid lead female performance out of Mary Ellen Trainor, and Larry Drake as another really fucking eerie Santa. This one has a bit more dark humour than the relatively pitch black film segment. I love Trainor’s reactions to being told the police are heading to the neighbourhood to search for the escaped mental patient Santa, there’s just something hilariously disturbing about the whole thing. Plus, we do get a bit more than the 1972 version, simply because this is a full 22 minute episode rather than the segment itself being much shorter. Gives you more bang for the buck, either way.

2) Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

Equal parts pseudo-archaeology, horror, and adventure, Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale takes the story of Santa Claus into fresh, unexplored territory. On the surface it’s similar to other holidays flicks, where you feel bad for a kid. Here, that kid is Pietari Kontio (Onni Tommila). He’s treated much like a dog. His father Rauno (Jorma Tommila) takes part in the reindeer slaughter. Business has been on the edge for a long while. Things aren’t great. A massive herd of reindeer have turned up dead, taking a worse chunk out of Rauno’s business. At the same time, there’s a British company digging into a mountain, they’ve found something peculiar: wood, and encased within it is tons of ice. Strange, no? That’s because Santa Claus is coming to town. Nothing to be happy about, not like the song says. If you’re looking for something pretty different from most other Killer Santa films, Rare Exports is the ticket. It’s definitely got some stuff to make you chuckle. It’s got even more to creep you the hell out!

3) Sint

Something endlessly hilarious about Christmas and Santa are how deadly serious people can get over it. Forget the Christian stuff (reminder: it’s a pagan holiday, anyway) – especially in the US, conservatives can get wildly sensitive about the portrayal of Santa Claus, a fictitious entity that gives presents to all of the kids across the world who celebrate Christmas. That’s why it’s likewise endlessly enjoyable to see Santa treated as a malevolent, mean spirited entity rather than one bringing yuletide joy. Sint is the tale of Sinterklaas. Now, the legend of Sinterklaas says he’s not entirely evil, though he does have helpers called Zwarte Piet (Black Pete; whole thing traditionally gets a little too close to racism for my tastes, the movie avoids any of that nonsense). The film says shag that, this guy’s a creep. And boy, does he ever get evil, too. Director Dick Maas (De Lift, Amsterdamned) makes the legendary figure into a former bishop who has gone rogue, leading a gang of thieves looting villages. He’s killed one night, and every 23 years after, on that same night when a full moon is in the sky, the old bishop, St. Nicholas returns to kill. Dig in. This one’s fun, it’s weird, and makes no bones about doing its own thing. Fantastic Christmas horror! One of my favourite seasonal horror movies out there.

4) Good Tidings

This isn’t anything special, it’s not going to blow any minds. Good Tidings suffers from poor acting, whereas it excels in atmosphere. Particularly, the murderous Santa(s) here makes for true holiday terror. When three psychopaths lay siege to a homeless shelter celebrating Christmas, a poor war veteran must revert to old, long abandoned ways in order to help him and others survive. This has a lot of problems. Above all, this is creepy, there are lots of spooky scenes and little moments to unsettle you. The score, when it’s good, it is damn good, and a throwback to the 1980s when the killer Santa flick was thriving. Don’t expect too much, then this one will definitely provide a fun night with some friends, a glass of nog, and a bit of Christmas grub.

5) Silent Night, Bloody Night

Several films on the list are only barely connected to Christmas, Silent Night, Bloody Night is no exception. The event which acts as catalyst for the whole plot and story of the film involves Christmas Eve. Other than that it isn’t much related. Still, this is a pretty wild and genuinely good slasher before the sub-genre of horror was officially a thing. This was released in 1972, before Black Christmas, Halloween, any of the other films that defined the slasher going forward. Now I’m not daring to claim this was hugely influential, nor is it anywhere near as good as those aforementioned slasher flicks. Not at all. But, it’s interesting to see that this was doing things these other movies made staples of the sub-genre. Like the score, it’s a classic. And there’s lots of blood, blasphemous killing with the soiling of Christian iconography. In addition you’ve got some odd arthouse-style filmmaking going on, particularly when it gets to flashbacks to the Christmas Eve night in question. A wild ride all around. Definitely worth a shot around Christmas, to put you in that mood. Horrific Highlight: You’ll know what it is when you see it. The broken glass moment is one of fucking nightmares, it’s indescribable. Watch. Be terrorised.

6) Dexter Season 1, Episode 11: “Truth Be Told”

Just like the first Christmas episode of The X-Files, Dexter uses the holidays to dig deeper into its characters, namely the titular one, whose past begins to erupt further in “Truth Be Told” – not only do we gradually discover more bits of Dexter (Michael C. Hall), we discover more of the other characters, from Deb (Jennifer Carpenter) to the Ice Truck Killer himself. There are plenty of things going on here. The meat of the episode is the latest Ice Truck Killer crime scene, fine holiday treats for the forensic team and the cops to deal with, and though the whole episode isn’t Christmas-centric, the lights shine in the backdrop, the crime scene itself is smack dab in the midst of the holiday season. Then, when you get to the last few minutes, the plot gets cooking with gas. Doesn’t have tons of holiday flavour. What it does have is excellent suspense and tension. You can’t ask for more than that.

7) To All a Goodnight

The one and only feature film directed by actor David Hess (Krug from Last House on the Left and Alex in The House on the Edge of the Park) is, as expected, appropriately sleazy considering some of the films he’s done. This is a true Killer Santa premise, one that doesn’t stray at all from a formula that’s become the standard for Christmas horror. A group of young people + some breasts + bunch of blood courtesy of a naughty Santa + isolated environment + redder than red herrings = To All a Goodnight. Nothing special. Yet the cinematography’s surprising, really enjoyable. Then there’s the classic slasher score, which aids in building good suspense for the mostly by-the-numbers stuff; add to that a little eccentric music, it gives the score something extra. A lot of this is generic. It’s still fun, creepy at times, and just a proper flick to toss on with some friends at Christmas, if for nothing else but to have a laugh.

8) Prometheus

Ridley Scott’s Prometheus (just like Alien: Covenant) gets shit on a lot. Father Gore loves both these films. Because they’re fun, they’re vast stories with far reaching themes, and we get more of the birth of the xenomorph, the world Scott began building in ’79 with the masterpiece, Alien. For all the shit it gets, Prometheus is a fantastic sci-fi film. And, I’m going to go out on a limb suggesting the Christmas connection isn’t one that’s added for nothing. It’s not merely fodder for a fun Idris Elba moment. We’re dealing with thematic content here concerning the existence of a God, as humans have known it. Follow me here. If Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace) and Charlie Holloway (Logan Marshall-Green) prove that God doesn’t exist, at least not in the form Christianity imagined, then there’s no birth of Christ, all that. Therefore, no Christmas. So, for me, the holiday specific scene in Prometheus is an especially tragic one, like we’re watching this Christmas go on in the shadow of much bigger things, perhaps the last Christmas as they know it.

9) The Children

Technically, this is cheating: The Children takes place just before the New Year. However, it’s a snowy, holiday-themed horror, it’s got the vibes of a Christmas horror flick. I vote it goes on the list. And, well, there’s nobody to stop me, right? And lord, is this ever a brutal, effective, mean little film. At only 80 minutes, director Tom Shankland’s The Children pulls not a single punch. It’s well acted, particularly in the case of Hannah Tointon who plays Casey, the sole teenager in the story. It’s a nasty horror, crossing the borders of decency in all the right ways, asking violent questions about the differences between adults and children in a primitive sense, as well as just a plain tense movie. Special Mention: The editing and sound design during the dinner scene will have you stressed out, ready to snap yourself. But the kids, they snap first. Boy, do they ever snap. This is the worst – in an appropriate way for the plot – dinner scene in cinema history, or at least in the top three. Makes me physically tense. Love it; but I’m a masochist.

10) All Through the House

This one isn’t one you’ll write home about – do not anticipate any impressive acting, above all else. If you can check expectations at the door, All Through the House plays out as a significant, relatively fresh twist on the Killer Santa sub-genre of horror movies. There are only so many different ways a guy ends up in a Santa suit, murdering people. This flick sort of flips the script, as far as it can, anyway. The reveal won’t blow your socks off. Nevertheless, it will disturb the hell out of you. That’ll also explain, later in the film, why early on so many penises are cut off; not that misandry isn’t my thing, because it kind of is, y’know. (sorry, not sorry.) Highlight: Santa humping the air with a pair of garden shears. It’ll be more horrifying when you actually figure out who the character is in the reveal later on.

11) Krampus

What I anticipated as being a cheesy Christmas movie with a few scares turned out to be a few good scares with a deliciously twisted Christmas movie wrapped around it. Krampus is, essentially, set around what happens when a family made up of staunch Republicans and Democrats have to come together for the holidays, co-existing in one relatively small space for a matter of days on end. So, when one boy starts taking the season for granted, wishing his family weren’t a bunch of shitheads, the folklore figure Krampus lays siege to his neighbourhood, his home, and decides to take the kid a lesson. Not only is there some enjoyable holiday horror, this flick is funny. The cast is phenomenal – Adam Scott, Toni Collette, David Koechner, and Allison Tolman play the couples, all in-laws with their kids. And the young actors are pretty great, too. It’s Krampus and his legion of mischievous creatures that seal the deal. From toys coming to evil life to gingerbread men attacks and more, the horror is as fun as the comedy. What do I love most about Krampus? It’s not necessarily the typical Christmas movie, in that it may not end up where you expect. In a lot of ways, this story stays true to the Krampus legends. That means be good, boys and girls. Else you’ll get a visit, and it won’t be from no Santa Claus, either.

12) The X-Files Double Feature Season 5, Episode 6: “Christmas Carol”

Not only is this a Christmas episode of The X-Files, one of my most beloved shows on television, ever, this is also an episode that plays into the overall series mythology, as well as a strong, emotional, personal dive into the history of Agent Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson), whose infertility plays a large part in the story. When Scully goes home for the holidays, she soon starts getting strange phone calls. She winds up in the midst of an investigation, which soon proves to reveal things about her own past, things that, on the surface, look too impossible to be true. Even though the Christmas connection here isn’t huge, it provided Vince Gilligan & Co. a reason to have Scully reunite with family, setting off all the personal issues and emotions she faces throughout the episode. There’s a second part conclusion, “Emily” – that one doesn’t have anything to do with Christmas. But “Christmas Carol” is absolutely an interesting part of the series, not just a one-off holiday episode, rather a big piece in Scully’s puzzle. But let’s move on to the other Christmas episode of the series, one that also includes Agent Fox Mulder (David Duchovny)!

+

Season 6, Episode 6: “How the Ghosts Stole Christmas”

Mulder’s “a left cheek sneak” fart reference gets this Christmas episode rolling with tongue planted firmly in cheek. All the better compared with Scully and her unimpressed attitude about being called out by her partner to an old house on Christmas Eve to deal with “ingrained cliches from a thousand different horror films” Mulder is, as usual, interested in. When Agent Mulder calls Agent Scully out to a creepy house they’ll be staking out, both the agents get more than they bargained for after they get inside and the house is much more than it seems. A dash of haunted house, a little Christmas spirit, some laughs, some scares and an intense showdown in the friendship between Agents Scully and Mulder. A fun, eerie, suspenseful chapter of The X-Files, pitting that usual sceptical, empirical mind of Scully against the ever theoretical, hopeful belief of Mulder, as the two FBI agents search through the old place. They even run into Ed Asner and Lily Tomlin who play the couple living in the house. Lots of good stuff. Good, weird fun for the holidays!

13) The Twilight Zone Double Feature Season 2, Episode 11: “Night of the Meek”

Art Carney is a treasure. The Twilight Zone‘s “Night of the Meek” is only one of the reasons why. This is the tale of a department store Santa who’s fallen into the bottle a bit hard. But he knows it. And he knows too much, about the world, about pain, of struggle, all those things. What starts out as a depressing tale of a rundown man becomes something else entirely. Not the typical Rod Serling-style fare that you’d expect. Definitely magical, fantastical, and like many great Twilight Zone episodes, there’s a message behind the story, about the nature of giving versus receiving during the holidays.

+

Season 3, Episode 14: “Five Characters in Search of an Exit”

  There’s not much to say about this one, because saying too much runs the fun. Maybe don’t even pay much attention to the pictures, either. Anyway, “Five Characters in Search of an Exit” is not simply a Christmas-adjacent episode of The Twilight Zone, it’s one of the top ten greatest episodes of television that exists. Some people will tell you that’s not true, that it’s an overrated episode which gets more credit than it deserves. Fuck those people. This episode is tight, it is tense, and the reveal is worth a thousand twists in other films and television. You won’t realise it’s a Christmas episode until you get to those final moments. When all is revealed, then you’ll understand.

14) Terry Gilliam’s Brazil

Another cheat. Not a Christmas movie. However, it does feature Christmas, to a degree. It’s set during Christmastime, one of the initial scenes involves a family enjoying the holiday together in their quaint apartment before the ever present bureaucracy in their dystopian society comes crashing through the living room, into their lives. Brazil‘s all about bureaucracy. Terry Gilliam uses Christmas to exemplify the materialism of this society where he sees us headed. We’re caught up in his weird world, where every dumb custom, every rule, every last little thing is enforced, and everything costs money, and shopping is like one of the deepest circles in Dante Alighieri’s Hell. In short, Gilliam’s Brazil presents Christmas in its purest, most rotten economic form. Much as I love the holidays, he’s not wrong.

15) American Horror Story Season 2, Episode 8: “Unholy Night”

  I love American Horror Story. Fuck the haters. Season 2: Asylum has a special place in my chilly little heart because of the themes and the location, just an all around terror. The eighth episode the season, “Unholy Night”, is a particularly creepy chapter of Asylum. There’s lots of naughty stuff going on at Briarcliff, between the devil using Sister Mary Eunice (Lily Rabe) as his Earthly plaything, a stark raving mad Ian McShane playing a man traumatised by the holiday season, and much more. It’s McShane who makes this episode so memorable. He does appear in a second episode afterwards, but it’s this one where he leaves his best, darkest mark. At the start of the episode his criminal Santa’s laying out what he’ll do to a couple he has tied up, and his remark to the husband – as well as the look on his face while saying the line – is chilling beyond chilling. Even if you don’t like the series, this episode is worth watching if you want some Christmas horror. And there’s some horror, as is usual for AHS. Try not to laugh when McShane bawls: “Well I don‘t wanna be in your shitty picture, then.” Just be prepared for lots of horrific, unsettling holiday horror around the handful of laughs.

16) Syfy’s Happy!

Happy! stars Chris Meloni as a washed up hitman who starts seeing a little kidnapped girl’s imaginary friend, a blue, flying unicorn (voiced by comedian Patton Oswalt) after the girl is taken by a psycho, meth smoking Santa Claus. Not sure if there’ll be a Season 2, but Season 1 takes place during the holiday season, obviously, as a really bad Santa is the focus of the crime plot. Surrounding that is a ton of mayhem, laughs a-plenty, two excellent performances from Meloni and Oswalt, and on top of that? It’s violent as hell, just as twisted. The visuals are exactly like a comic book, seeing as how the story comes from a Grant Morrison work. Check this out, because Season 1’s been perfectly messed up TV for the holiday season! It isn’t horror, so to speak, yet it has the right amount of madness to be proudly on this list.

Father Gore’s Films & TV to Ruin Christmas Ahhhhh. The house smells of cinnamon and cookies, it's warm, cozy. Hot chocolate, egg nog with an extra drop of something in it.

[tube-thoughts-blog]

tube thoughts vol. 8

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Kroll Show: Gigolo H-O-R-S-E *"Horse not whores."* 2 1/2 stars

Cinematic Titanic: "The Wasp Woman" a Roger Corman flick *"Anaphylactic schlock."* close to 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Max Headroom: Grossberg's Return *MTV Rocks the Vote for Hillary Clinton by getting its viewers to tune out and tune in to The Jersey Shore / Real World.* 2 1/2 stars

Blind Date (Deluxe Edition) *Raunchy reality show uncensored material and bloopers from the early 2000s. It's strange to see just how much the fashions have changed. That California douchebag & slut 'look' is a real time capsule (1998? - 2004?) of guilty pleasure to gawk at.* 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: The Watcher *Redneck androids and a test tube Alice in Wonderland un-birthday.* 3 stars

Branson Famous: The Brangelina of Branson *In a town that's stuck in a rhinestone americana timewarp, a family of big haired and big belt buckle entertainers step all over each other in pointy boots in order to be the shining star in a fading industry of entertaining a dwindling crowd of retiree tourists.* 2 stars

==== My Big Redneck Family: Redneck Wedding

*Tater salad turned bad, but the "Shamepain" still tastes good, I guess.

Tom Arnold is giddy to host a reality show that's structured and shot like a sitcom similar to Modern Family.

The presentation isn't half bad, but it's the same lowest common denominator behavior for the camera and those tired, cliche confessionals that all reality shows are required to have.

At least Branson Famous is original in its confessionals which are tacky singing confessionals that turn into sing offs.

Also, I want to know how theme weddings like 'Redneck Weddings' are still considered to be traditional.

Sorry, queers, ya'll are weird, but cut off shorts, beer cans on the front row, and written vows about picking up tighty whiteys covered in trail marks so that the wife doesn't have to is considered a sacred ceremony.* sodomy or skidmarks I vote skid

2 stars

=============================================================

Newsreaders: How Sausage Is Made *A sausage making factory is turned into one of those pretentious millenials start up companies with a hilariously loose atmosphere, and it's visited and documented by a parody of one of those hipster nerd website's sexy cosplay chick who's one of those tries way too hard to be all about nerd culture wannabes. Also, Stevie, from Eastbound & Down, plays a lottery winner whose newly overly rich lifestyle makes him easy to despise.* 2 stars

X Files: Genderbender *The close knit community of Aphrodite and androgyne.* 3 stars

Hippies: Sexy Hippies *"I'm free. Nothin' worryin' me." Except for the fact that being a male, I think about sex every six seconds.* close to 3 stars

Impractical Jokers: Welcome to Miami *Beached Mer-man struggles in the sand for jelly donuts and an alligator is forced to wear a backpack.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Jonny Quest: The Calcutta Adventure *Jolly Jolly Hadji* 3 stars

Son of the Beach: Fanny and the Professor *"Touch my mouth, Louise!" Heatwave haywire.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Rinse Dream presents "Party Doll A Go-GO #2" (1991) *Jungle boogie sock-it-to-me shin-dig squeal flick.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Love Stinks --------------

 *Nookie with no strings attached because Freddy cut them.* 3 stars

*Re-Animator as a yuppie pizza shop cannibal.* 3 stars

----------------------------------------------

"Meatballs Part 2" (1985) *PG rated sex comedy with E.T. and Pee Wee Herman.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: The Man Who Was Death *After his state overturns the death penalty, unemployed electric chair technician William Sadler takes his executioner's blues to the street.* 3 stars

Morton Downey Jr.: Child Abuse *Mort shows off his devilishly red socks and lets people pour their hearts out about that once dirty secret of the family that has come more to light in recent years as something not to hide.* 3 stars

"The Town That Dreaded Sundown" (2014) *Three different time periods entwined into a true crime homage to drive-in slasher movies like Friday the 13th part 2. It's not perfect, but it's prettier than a postcard with red eye gravy spilled over it. Did I say postcard? I meant porkchop. A porkchop with red eye gravy spilled over it. Well, maybe not that pretty. Porkchop, mmm.* close to 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn, the series: Pilot Episode *Aztecs, snakes, Geckos, demons, Texas Rangers, Mexican cartels, and last of all 21 year old white chicks (how and why did they escape so easy? makes little sense.).* between 2 and 2 1/2 and stars

Rifftrax presents "Terror At Tenkiller" *"More like timefiller at Tenkiller." Pointless small talk, routine walking and driving, mundane lake activity, creepy jerks, generic background music, plus slight instances of side-boob.* 3 stars with riffing 1 1/2 stars without

Tim & Eric - Bedtime Stories: Baby *The true horror is seeing Tim & Eric amuse themselves by getting odd looking middle-aged men to perform absurd fetish acts. Dr. Steve Brule's manchild cousin Jordan gets scammed by Tim & Eric, and Roseanne's Laurie Metcalf makes a show stealing cameo.* 2 stars

Finding Bigfoot: Paranormal Squatchtivity *Bobo, Ranae, and the other two dingbats travel to some isolated farms and woods in Pennsylvania that look straight out of Night of the Living Dead. They're searching not just for bigfoot, this time, but boo bumps in the night. They also make a sacrificial offer to the bigfoot by dumping bloody guts and powdered donut dust on a rock.* 1 star for the spook and squatch stuff 2 1/2 stars for the natural lighting, non-nightvision, picturesque shots of rural Pennsylvania

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Lonely Ghost *An early 90s mallrat Tiffany look-a-like bullies her "zeeb" cousin and nanny and meangirls clique until an encounter with a ghost girl from a mirror world.* 3 stars

Gargoyles: Long Way To Morning *gumption versus grouse* 3 stars

Farscape: A Human Reaction *Chricton returns home and finds out he no longer has one.* 3 stars minus maybe 1/2 a star for the twist

Wizards and Warriors: The Kidnap *Black magic and royal blood should never mix.* 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Root Of All Evil *Exchanging currency for blood.* 3 stars

"The Granny" a film by Luca Bercovici (1995) *Stinking rich Stella Stevens has one foot on a banana peel and is pushed into the grave by the greedy inheritors of her wealthy will. An elixir, with a set of instructions similar to the handling of Gremlins, turns her into an Evil Dead inspired demon bitch. It's up to her mousey granddaughter, played by Shannon Whirry (who struggles to hide how sexy she typically is), to send her back to Hell.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Up In Arms *Citizens against crime. Battlefield lovers. Troublemakers on the 6 o'clock news. Criminal turned Christian. Nude model and her ferocious dog of a man. Corrupt cop killed by razor wielding hooker.* 3 stars

------- Black History Month -- Non-Wayans Scary Movie -------------------

"Tales from the Hood" (1995)

*Welcome to my Mortuary: Some homeboys make a pick up of alleyway discovered drugs at a spooky funeral home ran by an eccentric mortician.* 2 1/2 stars

*Rogue Cop Revelation: Wings Hauser and some other pig cops go Rodney King on a political agitator while Billie Holiday's "Strange Fruit" plays as the soundtrack. Exactly one year later, the zombified martyr gets revenge.* 3 stars

*Boys Do Get Bruised: David Alan Grier as an extremely convincing and scary abusive stepfather.* close to 3 stars

*KKK Comeuppance: Voodoo dolls terrorize a racist politician at a cursed plantation. I couldn't help but laugh thinking of those Lil' Penny Hardaway doll commercials from the 90s.* 2 1/2 stars

*Hard Core Convert: A murderous gangbanger won't repent when a Maya Angelou type puts him through Clockwork Orange style therapy torture to get him to see he's killing his own kind in the same way white society lynched his ancestors. It does pose the question of whether it's strictly his fault, but I'm not sure if Spike Lee and others involved aren't suggesting that young black men should use violence on whites instead. There's a lot of venom and hatred and propaganda in this piece. Maybe rightfully so, maybe not.* either zero stars or close to 3 stars

*Mr. Simms: A Mexican standoff Day of the Dead style between the homeboys and the mortician who turns out to be Satan. Welcome to 90's terrible CGI hell, muthafuckas!* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-------------------------------

Red Shoe Diaries: Just Like That *A cute receptionist, who likes to love it up in an elevator, tries to have it both ways with a rich French guy and a pre-Friends slumming it on softcore late night cable Matt LeBlanc.* close to 3 stars

Hannibal: Ceuf *"Norman Rockwell with a bullet." Hannibal Lecter with a daughter. Molly Shannon with a screw loose (not much of a stretch).* 3 stars

--- Duck Dynasty: Bathroom Baloney

*Outhouse racing, because "SOUTHERN!"

We used to not have indoor plumbing, ya'll.

It's pathetic what A & E will go to in order to justify an hour of tv filled with the stupid nonsense these jerks say.

It's all about those advertising dollars, and we morons who give them views.

They're supposed to be down to earth folk and manly men, but the one called Willie acts like he's never used a grill or stove, like most of his audience would  have had to in their lives, when he burns his fingers and squeals like a girl as he ineptly cooks balogna.

Balogna, a cheap and overly processed lunchmeat that has been a part of the diet of that America that they're so quick to latch onto, but most of this millionaire family turns their nose up at the idea of having to eat.

Duck Dynasty, a brand and a family that sell their garbage merchandise at a company (Wal-Mart) that ripped the heart, balls, and innards (all that would go into balogna) out of American smalltown business folk and replaced it with cheap Chinese manufactured goods and sent jobs overseas so that Duck Dynasty's main audience would have to be poor and eat balogna.

Sing it with me, for the land of the freeee and we used to live in caves...*

running from zero to 1 star

==================================================================

Weird Science: Airball Kings *Gary got game.* 3 stars

15 Storeys High: Ice Queen *God gave us gas.* close to 3 stars

Game of Thrones: season 3 episode 8 *Lambs seeing the dagger.* 3 stars

"Here Comes The Devil" (2012) *The Kids Aren't Alright after a truckstop Picnic At Hanging Rock.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars or 1 1/2 stars for the awkward and amateurish dubbing. The English speaking voice actors are so bland that they drain the passion out of the Spanish actors' performances.

American Horror Story: Asylum "The Name Game" *Rare birds Roche limit.* 3 stars or 1 star for the Glee style musical number

American Horror Story: Coven "The Axeman Cometh" *Ouija (weegee) and all that j-a-z-z.* 3 stars

"House of Dreams" an adult film by Andrew Blake (1990) *Splooge on the foot of a model wearing expensive high heels in one of those new age architectured Malibu beach mansions captured by an expensive perfume high-art pretentious photographer while a Pure Moods cd plays on a thousand dollar plus stereo system.* 2 1/2 stars

----- Black History Month -- Genre Crossover Bad Movie ------------

Cinematic Titanic presents "East Meets Watts" *"Fact: drugs IS comin' into the ghett-toe." but so IS "Rock 'em sock 'em mofos." And "You can tell by the clothes that they're wearing, that it's a fine line between Kung Fu & Disco."* 3 stars with riffing between 1 1/2 and 2 stars without

-----------------------

The Prisoner: Many Happy Returns *Number 6 becomes The Omega Man, Castaway, Bourne, The Fugitive, Top Gun, and then Total Recall'd.* 3 stars

Richard Linklater's "Waking Life" (2001) *"Let's have a *in quotes* Holy Moment."* either close to 2 1/2 stars if you're open to interesting thinking about life or 1 star if you're annoyed by pretentious people talking out of their ass about philosophy...

Bob and Margaret: Love's Labours Lost *Bob pines over his snotty secretary.* close to 3 stars

Northern Exposure: Soapy Sanderson *"Singing your own song," even if it's a murder ballad.* 3 stars

Fargo: A Muddy Road *Orthodox spiders.* 3 stars

X Files: Lazarus *Scully's old flame is shot and smolders out, at the same time as his Clyde Barrow type suspect suffers the same fate. The suspect's spirit snakes into Scully's flame's body and goes on the hunt for his Bonnie.* close to 3 stars

"The Taking Of Deborah Logan" (2014) *The Exorcism of Martha Stewart. Wow, a found footage flick with mostly sympathetic characters, an actual story, creepy scares, and somewhat decent editing.*  close to 3 stars minus 1/2 a star for the vomit vision shaking cam finale. I don't know why this generation has such a hard-on for found footage. It doesn't make fiction more realistic, it just makes it more painful to try to watch.

Stephen King's "Kingdom Hospital": season 1 episode 8 *We didn't start the fire.* 3 stars

"Inferno" a film by Dario Argento (1980) *Like a cat on hot bricks.* 2 1/2 stars

Manimal: Night of the Scorpion *Caper in the Caribbean.* 3 stars

Rifftrax presents "R.O.T.O.R." *Imagine Alex Murphy replaced by Jeff Foxworthy.* 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Thundarr the Barbarian: City of Evil *Civilization ends in 1994, and a world of sci fi and fantasy emerges. So, it's like Mike Judge meets Jack Kirby.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: The Voice Of Reason *A paranoid paranormal conspiracy theorist gets a closed door intelligence session with govt officials, where he shows off alien events from the first season of the new outer limits.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Son of the Beach: Eat My Muffin *Luke Skywalker as "Divine" Rod.* 3 stars

Everything Is Terrible -------------------

2 Minute Slaughterhouse Rock: "Death ain't shit. Impress me." - 2 1/2 stars

3 Minute Mankillers: "Ladies, and I use that term loosely." Acting, and I use that term loosely. - 3 stars

Pregnant Men!: "I rolled over and went back to sleep." - 3 stars

Out of the Wild: Teddy bears and Werner Herzog. - close to 3 stars

Ninja Magic Dragon Kid!: "Do you know Don 'The Dragon' Wilson?" Well, he's barely in this, but there's this 12 year old who does karate... - 3 stars

-----------------------

The Ben Stiller Show: season 1 episode 1 *Bono for breakfast. Judd Apatow, Bob Odenkirk, and others help make this one of the best, and sadly forgotten, sketch shows of all time.* 3 stars

--- Black History Month -- Social Justice zombie classic with commentary ----

Rifftrax presents George Romero's original "Night of the Living Dead" *Apocalypse and Arby's.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without

---------------------

American Gothic: Meet the Beetles *Sheriff Buck versus Bruce Campbell.* 3 stars

The Greatest American Hero: Here's Looking At You, Kid *Vanishing act with top secret space age equipment. Vanishing act, when it comes time to meet the girlfriend's parents.* close to 3 stars

 ---- Black History Month --- Social Satire movie ---

"CSA - The Confederate States of America" *Slavery, for an economically strong and stable society.* either zero stars or 3 stars

 ----------

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Show Stoppers" *Cooped up rage.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Curtain Call" *This series whimpers to a close like a sad gypsy's fart or a tired hobo's bugle.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Forever Knight: Dark Knight part 1 & 2 *Highlander meets the dawn of Seattle grunge meets Kolchak, the Night Stalker meets MTV's The Maxx.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Dig That Cat... He's Real Gone *"Dying for dollars." A death defying Houdini act where death isn't actually defied.* 3 stars

"Bad Girls" (1994) *Casserole western. At least Geena Davis isn't the lead.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible ----

Camel Club Network: Joe Camel in tha nightclub. - 3 stars

You're A Hypocrite!: Grumpy theology getting off point and no fun. - 1 star

Watch the Jello Wiggle!: Thirty somethings determine the Teen Set. - 3 stars

Y'Know: No, I don't know, evangelical and or motivational white lady. - 2 1/2 stars

Truth or Dare: A deadly game for unstable yuppies.* 3 stars

--------

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Sorcerer's Apprentice *Canadian junior high kids go "goth" over a Babylonian snake god.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Black History Month -- Prejudice Philosophy flick ---

Sam Fuller's "White Dog" (1982) *"Cure or kill the sickness."* either zero or 3 stars

---------

Morton Downey Jr.: Communism *Loudmouths, intelligence agents, government (U.S. & the U.S.S.R.) sponsored military groups in 3rd world hot-spots, and last of all "TRAITORS!"* 1 star

12:01 Beyond: Illegal Aliens ---------

*A man and his dog, living alone in the desert, are abducted by a ufo. that or the dog is an alien or becomes an alien?* close to 3 stars

*VHS quality trailer for the new War of the Worlds (not Spielberg / Cruise).* 3 stars

*TV rip promo for CBS showing of Sigourney Weaver in ALIENS.* 3 stars

*Mr. Lobo rambles about ancient alien conspiracy theories while an alien fires a electricity blaster behind him.* 3 stars

*Famous Studios' Superman in "Showdown": Superman framed with impostor.* 3 stars

*VHS quality rip trailer for the movie Hangar 18.* 3 stars

*TV quality rip for "Magic" 92 FM radio "The Superstar Space Cruiser" of radio stations playing classic rock albums.* 3 stars

*'The Tony Tomato Show' presents Heil Hipster performing in a Weezer 'Buddy Holly' esque music video.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*VHS quality rip trailer for "Moon Trap." Killer lunar robots and Bruce Campbell.* 3 stars

*TV quality rip for an 1980s NYC Manhattan comic convention featuring a lot of classic Sci-Fi alien comic books.* 3 stars

*Ninja the Mission Force - Citizen Ninja: No rest for the Ninja. Not even a playground picnic.* close to 3 stars

*TV / VHS quality neon lazer graphics advertisement for Rochester's 95FM BBF.* 3 stars

*TV/VHS quality rip for an old 80s DR. Pepper commercial where a cowboy walks into a space bar cantina filled with alien puppetry creatures and orders a tall one. That is a Dr. Pepper.* 3 stars

*The "Saint of Insomniacs" Mr. Lobo sits by a Tesla type machine and greets a scary looking alien creature who is into probing.* 3 stars

*(feature movie) Cannon films presents - "Alien Contamination": Explosive xenomorph eggs, and a cyclops tentacle creature, in an exploitation flick.* 2 1/2 stars

*Vintage UHF tv advertisement for channel 6 XETV promoting 5, count 'em 5, classic episodes of the original Star Trek tv series.* 3 stars

*Vintage Fox tv affiliate WPGH channel 53 and its promotion of Alien Nation, the series' upcoming episode.* 3 star

*Vintage tv commercial for the OMNI sci fi "fact and fiction" magazine.* 3 stars

*Republic Pictures serial The Crimson Ghost in The Laughing Skull: Heavy water has leaks.* 2 1/2 stars

*Mr. Lobo may have been probed and payed 20 dollars for it.* 2 1/2 stars

*Grindhouse trailer for the flying frisbee alien leeches flick "It Came Without Warning."* 3 stars

*TV/VHS rip quality commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper featuring a Will Forte look alike living in a Raising Arizona / Joe Bob Briggs style trailer park with his sweetie and having a close encounter.* close to 3 stars

*Zolar X - Timeless (music video): The Ramones meets Mork & Mindy.* 2 1/2 stars

*Thumb Snatchers from the Moon Coccoon: Stop motion short about opposable thumb hatin' robot aliens and a Texas cow munching cowboy sheriff squaring off.* close to 3 stars

------------------

Cinematic Titanic: The Alien Factor *"Pissing Skittles."* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star without

Everything is Terrible ----

*The Stinger: Pontiac feels that modern car concepts should be "wacky," "funky,"  filled with useless gadgets, and cost 2 million dollars to create.* close to 3 stars

*The Old New Age!: Puffy clouds and PBS philosophy / aesthetics / tunes.* 3 stars

*That Doll Looks Like Your Daughter!: Wholesome, loving, lifeless, and that uncanny valley...* 3 stars

*Reppies Agenda Revealed: Let's make a rainbow and do the electric slide, all for the glory of our New World Order overlords.* 2 1/2 stars

*Bully Bustin': "Sometimes, you gotta smack somebody."* 3 stars

-----------

USA Up All Night with host Rhonda Shear presents "Porky's 2" ----

*Win a piece of Rhonda's horrible (looks fingerpainted) artwork. Ha.* 3 stars

*Rhonda laments the flow of her particular pink piece of artwork.* close to 3 stars

*An operatic Korbel champagne commercial showing picturesque American life. yeah, maybe if you're drunk on Korbel.* 2 stars

*Turtle Wax magic and science to help shine your convertible using "science and magic." Available at K-Mart.* 2 1/2 stars

*Hurry to Sears for a 3 day paint sale.* 2 stars

*1 800 Collect will help you save on collect calls and it somehow helps a generic fake Yankee baseball player rob a homerun "Whatta save!"* close to 2 1/2 stars

*"Before Arnold, before Stallone, there was Skywalker." USA is showing the original Star Wars 8 / 7 central.* 3 stars

*Rhonda daydreams about 1950s romantic lifestyles and compares it to the 90s where she can't get a date, because all the guys are on dates with each other. Then, she reads fan mail about how much sexual energy she puts into her paintings, then she gives that painting away to said horny fan.* 3 stars

*Rhonda makes fun of male pushups in Porky's 2 as being "safe sex" and she shows off a horribly drawn portrait of her house with dog poop on the lawn.* 3 stars

*Rhonda cools off with a Snapple in a cheaply produced Snapple promo.* 2 1/2 stars

*Bluesy 90s slickly produced Greyhound bus travel commercial. I've taken a Greyhound bus trip. It's nowhere near this glamorous. It stinks, actually.* 2 1/2 stars

*The host of MTV Sports (whose name escapes me) is with Arnold in a Burger King BK TeeVee advertisement for the Summer of 93's biggest blockbuster "Last Action Hero."* close to 3 stars

*While a mom does some home repair, a toddler has a horrible gasoline accident and is shown in the hospital burn unit covered in bandages in one of those awful scary as shit PSA announcements from back in the day.* 3 stars

*GNC the authority on getting musclehead gym rats hooked on supplement taking pill addictions.* 2 star

*"Ever been curious about Hollywood girls?" Well, these babes dance luridly on the hosed down concrete floor of a large suburban downtown flat while dressed in leather and 60s biker hats in this phone sex 1 900 950 WILD commercial.* 3 stars

*Next is yet another phone sex commercial with girls looking straight out of Beverly Hills 90210. Wowza.* 3 stars

*Rhonda shows a classic "cut scene" from the Wizard of Oz "Suck my wand!" that just happens to have made it into Porky's 2. And Rhonda reads another fan letter in it which she continues to win over the hearts and views of fans for her offbeat sense of humor.* 3 stars

*Rhonda makes fishy faces with her self portrait.* close to 3 stars

*Then a hypnotic bumper with Rhonda twirling against a starlit background while wearing a one piece swimsuit / aerobics outfits. Wowza.* 3 stars

*never park your car without the CLUB anti-auto-theft device, especially if you live in a Texas Mexico bordertown. Ha. Whatever happened to those? I guess thieves figured out a way around the device.* 2 1/2 stars

*Beautiful, portrait pretty mornings begin at 8, that is Super 8 motel, and that is also if you're a yuppie business man driving around the backcountry (what business is there out there?) with a cup of steaming hot coffee on top of your Ford Taurus rental car.* 2 1/2 stars

*Murphy Brown is smart, right? I mean... she does have her own witty tv sitcom... and she is spokeswomanperson for SPRINT long distance in this big budget commercial with 90s quirky aesthetics featuring the tops of bald mens' heads with cartoon floating graphics and a thinktank lab with a huge brain in a robotic device... huh?* 2 1/2 stars

*"What could be worse than the cost of a yeast infection? How about the cost of curing it?" Femcare for the cheap lady with downstairs troubles. Wow, did women really skip feminine healthcare because of high cost? Glad I was too young to experience the joys of a woman back then.* 2 1/2 stars for weirdness

*A leading zooologist explains the difference between sparkling polar bears (ones who ice skate in a skirt) and sparkling rootbeer cream soda A & W rootbeer.* 3 stars

*After a terrorist strikes... Silk Stalkings on USA.* close to 3 stars

*Sean Connery is a space cowboy... high noon in outerspace... Outland on USA.* 3 stars

*Rhonda's factoid of the week: close to 3 million gallons of oil produced in America, almost enough to style Jerry Lewis's hair.* 2 stars

*No touch tire care in a can really frustrates blue collar motorheads.* 2 stars

*"There's nothing worse than a foul smelling pair of shoes?" Wait, what about yeast infections? Odor Eaters knocks the skunk right out (literally) of a pair of old men's dress shoes.* 3 stars

*Tri Star pictures presents Weekend at Bernies 2, starting July 9th, 1993.* 3 stars

*"Even the best need attention, know what I mean?" So says a blonde skank on a cheap looking phone sex advertisement.* 2 1/2 stars

*Sluts "love sharing secrets" on another phone sex ad. Now, they just share selfies and butt in mirror photos on twitter / instagram and it doesn't cost 3 dollars a minute.* 2 1/2 stars

*Patty and her orangutan pal Roger try little Caesar's pizza and spaghetti.* 3 stars

*Tough actin' Tinactin for CGI fungal fires on the feet of jocks.* 2 stars

*"America's hot new number, 1 800 Collect." they've even replaced the Hollywood sign with a 1 800 Collect Sign. Boy, will they feel dumb, when they realize no one uses collect calls anymore. Everyone has a wireless plan. Dumb, 1993, get with the times, already.* 2 stars

*Rhonda gives away a foot sculpture to a female fan wanting it for her husband's office. I guess her husband, Al, has a foot fetish.* 2 stars

*Live & Loud Ozzy's new album straight from his 92 tour available at Record Town and Tape World.* 2 1/2 stars

*30 something moms in party cowboy hats use Suave miracle anti-perspirant to survive their rowdy munchkin kids' birthday parties.* 2 1/2 stars

*Nintendo's Kirby comes from Dreamland to the real world to prove that he's "One Tough Cream Puff" in an awesomely animated into live action commercial.* 3 stars

*"It's never too late for an intimate phone adventure." So, dude, bro, pick up your oversized cordless house phone with the extra long antenna and dial up some horny chicks for only 3 bucks a minute, man.* 3 stars

*Rhonda hangs out with her Bart Simpson doll and shows off her "Bart art".* 3 stars

*Models, on a beach, have lips that need protection from the sun's harsh rays. So, they use Blistex. But, they probably should get out of the sun, because they all look so dark that they probably have skin cancer already.* 2 stars

*"Continuous Action Formula!" soft & dri super solid lady deoderant will have the fellas fawning over any high class city chick.* 3 stars

*A sign language lady uses conceal and heal wart remover.* 2 1/2 stars

*"If you use gasoline the wrong way, your dreams will go up and smoke." Your kids will die as it's put in another scary gasoline fire PSA. Was there this huge problem with misuse of gasoline back in the 80s and 90s? Sheesh!* 3 STARS

*A soft saxophone, a tropical window scene with flowing curtains in the wind, and a creepy narrator on camera, in a white tuxedo, let's us know about Eve and her need to forget, which she can't do, on EDEN coming to USA....* close to 3 stars

*Rhonda is sad to say that Robert DeNiro isn't in Porky's.* 2 stars

*Rhonda really doesn't like Porky's 2 and recommends that if you wanna watch Porky's 3, then rent Porky's 1 and change the number.* 2 1/2 stars

*And finally to get to the actual film presentation... for this chopped and censored to the point of little coherency comedy...* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

---------------

Son of the Beach: Miso Honei *Pink beam at Point Break.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Black History Month -- Inter-racial Adult Art Film --

Dark Bros. presents "Black Throat" *A dumbass honky, a new-wave negro pimp, and a trash-talkin' plastic rat go on the hunt for an expert fellatio hoe named "Madame Mambo."* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

--------

From Dusk Till Dawn: Blood Runs Thick *The original was a good movie, but it could have used a 14 year old girl's i-phone conversation with her boyfriend, an unintentionally funny fist fight between the Gecko brothers, rice-milk refreshment breaks, and cute pink bunny accessories to remind one of just how sweet having a daughter can be... oh, also Fez, from That 70s Show, dressed up like Kool Moe D in Wild Wild West.* 2 stars

Kung Fu: An Eye For An Eye *A woman's right to choose death. Honestly, however, a thoughtful commentary on revenge.* 3 stars

The Walking Dead: What Happened.... *Swing low, sweet chariot.* 3 stars

Everything is Terrible -----

*Aerobic Self Defense: Don't be a victim, attack from the rear.* 3 stars

*Time to get it on, T. Bone: Sidney Party Yeah Uh... or however you spell and pronounce Sidney Pottier.* close to 3 stars

*Tax Day!: I'm not sayin' that we should be anarchists, I'm just sayin' we should commit anarchy.* 3 stars

*Oldies vs. Hippies!: The early bird gets stoned.* close to 3 stars

*Mark of the beast: Government is evil, ignore the patriotic background music. Worldly goods are fleeting, seek salvation, and send us your money.* 3 stars

---------

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Painted Hills *Chewin' the scenery with Lassie.* 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

--- Black History Month -- Black Cowboy Cinema ---

Fred Williamson in "Joshua" (1976) *Who is Joshua? to quote Joshua, "I'm my mother's son." Some bandits make the mistake of shooting his mama, in the back, before Joshua can reunite with her after the Civil War.* 2 1/2 stars

--------------

William Friedkin's "Sorcerer" (1977) *No futuro without risk.* 3 stars

"Glengarry Glen Ross" (1992) *Close the deal, you expletive-expletive-expletive...* 3 stars

X Files: Young At Heart *The curious case of Spooky Mulder.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

The Ben Stiller Show: Season 1 episode 2 *20 so years later, and Nick Kroll has almost the exact same show.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything is Terrible ----

*Learn to Fly: self levitate the expert way.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Hunks Hunks Hunks!: "Smell the protein in this room."* either 1 star or close to 3 stars

*Here's How!: to be a show off.* 2 stars

*Greatest Song Ever Sung: Kathie Lee cares about the kids of genocide. Well, just kids in general, they sure are cute. Fuck adults in need, they're not as cute. Jesus was a kid too ya know. He was cute, too. "Like one of us," as a kid, but way cuter.*  either zero stars or 2 1/2 stars

*4 Minute - The Alien Agenda - Endangered Species: Vote for Pedro for president of the X Files fan club.* 3 stars

----------

Viper: Ghosts *Reformed criminals, the paralyzed, holograms, and future cars -more than meets the eye.*  between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"John Wick" (2014) *"Everything has a price," but good action / fight choreography and a dead wife's puppy are priceless.* 3 stars

Hannibal: Coquilles *About as much fun as a tumor.* zero stars

American Horror Story: Coven "The Dead" *Satisfaction.* 2 1/2 stars

Black Sails: Season 1 episode 3 *Ship without a captain.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Magic Voyage of Sinbad *"There goes a stupid, stupid man." Fake Sinbad, the father of modern socialism.* close to 2 stars with riffing between 1/2 and 1 star without

Rinse Dream presents "Cafe Flesh" (1982) *"A tableau of desire in decline." The perfect mindfuck Dear John paranoid love letter from the dawn of the AIDS-HIV era to the end of the 'Free Love' era.* 3 stars

True Detective: Who Goes There? *She done gone. Tyrone. Drugged out, deep cover.* 3 stars

Crossballs, the debate show: Reality TV No Survivors *"They fall in love in a hot tub, just like us."* 3 stars

Channel 4 in the U.K. presents Ban This Filth: episode 1 *Prudish, old ladies -the purveyors and "haters" (a term that I despise) of perverted behavior.* close to 3 stars

David Fincher's "Gone Girl" (2014) *An ode to the psychotic climate of hysteria caused by media jackals like Nancy Grace.* 3 stars

The Ben Stiller Show: season 1 episode 3 *To boldly go where Bruce Springsteen has never gone before.* 2 1/2 stars

Justified: season 1 episode 3 *"Seems like everyone here is from someplace else."* close to 3 stars

Swamp Thing: The Hunt *A rolling stone gathers some moss.* close to 2 1/2 stars

"Johnny Dangerously" *An exciting age of criminality.* 3 stars

Everything is Terrible ----

*Dana Carvey Is Rolling Over In His Grave: Have mercy, Church Lady.* 2 1/2 stars

*Creep Scientist Fantasy Karaoke: "It's nice to remember." Just don't make it weird.* close to 3 stars

*Cookin' Up Profits!: Elderly ladies are pie baking and financial experts.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*Christian Puppets Are Selfish: Share everything, including yourself, with stuffed animal puppets of the faith.* 2 1/2 stars

*BEV!: "She'll kill us." during our middle aged lady step aerobic workout.* 3 stars

---------

Thundarr the Barbarian: Last Train To Doomsday *Can't keep a Gemini wizard under wraps. Plus, 1960s Marvel comic books become an instructional handbook for sorcery weirdos of the post-apocalypse.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Party High USA *School curriculum for those willing to stay stupid or hoping to become scumbags.* 2 1/2 stars

Max Headroom: Dream Thieves *In an age where people trade their dreams for dreams, Swamp Thing's Arcane is also an old friend / rival of Edison Carter.* 3 stars

"A Scanner Darkly" (2006) *We're all trying to escape, and we're all unknowingly being observed while trying. That's when we're unwittingly put to uses.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Night Stand with Dick Dietrick--- (1996)

*Fashion VIctims - Lowering High Fashion Standards: Getting heavy with emaciated models.*  close to 2 1/2 stars for the topic's performance 3 stars for Timothy Stack's jokes

*Secret Lives... Exposing Ourselves: Hot For Teacher - A teacher moonlights as a porn star. "Say it loud, I'm practically black and I'm proud." - A light skinned  black man is shocked to discover that he's half black and not Italian. The Perfect Mom & Dad turn out to be Dad & Mom* close to 3 stars

-------

Mortal Kombat - Legacy: Jax, Sonya, and Kano *TEST YOUR MIGHT at the Ace Chemicals / Skynet factory.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Safe Sex  ----

*A picky dweeb's Satanic attraction and death by wet dream.* 3 stars

*An outcast chick's obsession with Freddy goes too far.* 3 stars

------

American Horror Story: Murder House "Smoldering Children" *Familial putridity.* close to 3 stars

X Files: E.B.E. *Piss up an Idian rope trick. There's an 18 wheeler causing alien confusion as it travels a shadowy path across America.* 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn, the series: Mistress *Harbingers, whore offerings, and head-shrinking.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Banshee: season 1 episode 1 *A raccoon running from a rabbit. A -just out of prison- thief steals the identity of a deceased new sheriff to a Walking Tall type backwoods corrupt town.* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Coven "The Sacred Taking" *Thrill rides, terminal goodbyes, two way roads, and tingles of the cooch.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: Another Woman's Lipstick *Girl in guy drag and a David Lynch inspired striptease.* 3 stars

---- Valentine's Three Way Movie Feature ---

John Cassavetes in "Incubus" (1982) *Try a little tenderness. Try a little cursed bestiality.* 3 stars

Paul Verhoeven's "Basic Instinct" (1992) *Torrid 90s trash revisited.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

Michael Ninn's "Fade to Blue" *Get 'yer kicks on Route 66. It's a stylized xxx religious experience.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-----------

Werner Herzog's "Lessons of Darkness" (1992) *Scorched earth war disgrace, the Book of Revelation, and fossil fuel drudgery, danger, madness -all from an alien perspective.* 3 stars

Stephen King's "Storm of the Century" (mini-series) *Born in sin, the Weather Channel's Jim Cantore, come on in.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Fargo: Eating the Blame *Greenbacks, grasshoppers, gospel, and the gristle of a riddle.* 3 stars

"Winter People" (1988) *Milk, honey, and time a flowin.' Kurt Russell plays against type as a gentle clockmaker / Ichabod Crane type in a Hatfields & McCoys style hillbilly period piece.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Cinematic Titanic: Legacy of Blood *"Tijuana snuff films are more wholesome."* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars with riffing close to 2 stars without riffing

Son of the Beach: South of Her Border *Labia & Johnson. Erik Estrada & Marsha Brady.* close to 3 stars (despite all the stale bean fart jokes, it manages to be funny)

Northern Exposure: Dreams, Schemes, and Putting Greens *"Wine 'em, dine 'em, stick 'em with the tab." ... or leave 'em standing in the rain at the 18th hole... or leave 'em standing at the altar singing showtunes.* 3 stars

Everything Is Terrible ----

Freedom Song: Show us yer tits fer freedom.* 3 stars

Fiddlin' With My...: Would you rather be in Branson with Shoji or would you rather be a mule?* 3 stars

Dreaming of Foxy Boxing: That cloud looks like a cat fight.* close to 3 stars

Dinner With The Abortionists!: "Ask your wife." quoting a slimeball abortion performing doctor.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

The Lottery Guru!: Hint, hint, you'll never win the lottery. Hint, hint, invest in firearms.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

------

Night Stand with Dick Dietrick ---

Illegal Aliens Star Search: Immigrant talent show for the prize of a green card.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars (3 plus stars for the Phil Hartman cameo)

Hooked on Hookers: Sexy Social Outrage.* close to 3 stars

------

Crossballs, the debate show: American Driving, Carmageddon *Defensive drivers on the defensive against aggressive comedians.* 3 stars

"Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man" (1991) *"Come on and take a free ride." - John the Baptist $T.M.$ If they make this movie for the millenial generation, it will be called 'Rob Dyrdek and the Starbucks Person,' and it will pack a limp wristed punch.* 2 1/2 stars

Hill Street Blues: Your Kind, My Kind, Humankind *Being true to one's self and the team.* 3 stars

The Walking Dead: Them *A deathdream last episode and now this episode has an exhaustion zombie fight, a pack of wild dogs, worm eating & dog eating, mysterious note and a gift of water at the point of dehydration, a backroad tornado out of nowhere, solace in a shack in the middle of nowhere, and a zombie siege on the shack that seemed to spell the end of everyone in the group (which turns out to be a dream? or did they all just die?). This second half of the season is taking a turn into surreal southern gothic.* 3 stars

"In Cold Blood" (1967) *The point in modern America where we all took a dreaded detour into a conscience of indifferent malice that we've been driving on ever since.* 3 stars

"Nightcrawler" (2014) *Hollywood really wants us to sympathize with their paparazzi plight. A success driven psycho is nihilistic about bringing skid row sensationalism to the Southern California suburban news market.* close to 3 stars

The Ben Stiller Show: Season 1 Episode 4 *Melrose changes people. Ben finds out this when Andy Dick turns into a hipster bitch on the back of a biker dyke's harley.* 3 stars

--- Black History Month --- Cultural Cliches Comedy ----

Melvin and Mario Van Peebles present "Identity Crisis" (1989) *Gianni Versace is my homeboy. Rest in peace, my gay nigga.* close to 2 stars

------

Ban This Filth: episode 2 *"I would rather live in a vast, treeless desert without filth."* 2 1/2 stars

Hippies: Hippy Dippy Hippies *"Painting the house of ideas, shit brown," like a pig would.* 3 stars

"The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue" a Gerard Damiano xxx film (1980) *In the future, in the ruins of a space age commune, survivors hump, day & night, like bunny astronauts. They have this calculator connected to the future internet, and surprise the internet is mostly for sex, where they can dial up and beam up "satisfiers" to fulfill their every sexual need. But is it enough?* 2 1/2 stars

Farscape: Through The Looking Glass *3, 5, prime. Red, yellow, blue. Dizzy, loud, and funny too.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Wizards and Warriors: The Rescue *"I wouldn't want to fight a dragon that I could see, let alone an invisible dragon." Yeah, that's right, an invisible dragon.* 3 stars

Cinematic Titanic: Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks *"It's like Clint Howard and Gentle Ben had a kid, and he's choking me!" It's also like Eegah! meets The Sinful Dwarf.* 3 stars with riffing between 2 and 2 1/2 stars without

American Horror Story: Asylum "Spilt Milk" *Nursing a grudge.* close to 3 stars

"The Babysitter's Club Video #1 Mary Anne and the Brunettes" (1990) *Scholastic and craptastic. Mommy / gossip / relationship training for young chicks who can't even get their darn ears pierced. Weird to see so many kids and zero adults in this Charlie Brown / Children of the Corn town.* 1 star

Jr. Christian Science Vol. 1 *One of Tim & Eric's weirdo friends hosts an early 90s public access educational children's show. A chore to sit through, but almost worth it for the moments where he loses his cool when the production doesn't go exactly his way, and it features some of the most awkward singing and puppetry ever combined.* 1 star

Mortal Kombat - Legacy: Johnny Cage *True Hollywood story, death of the action star.* 2 1/2 stars

"Constantine" (2005) *Keanu Reeves as a wanker. Shy LePoof as a hardnosed cabbie sidekick. Tilda Swinton in guy drag. Hollywood knows what comic fans want. They want their beloved characters americanized and the movie version to be filled with techno music and cgi in every single shot.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn, the series: Let's Get Ramblin' *Soul cleansing, soul redeeming, power in the blood.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Forever Knight: for I have Sinned *and sat in judgement.* close to 3 stars

"Exorcist 2: The Heretic" (1977) *Plight of the white wing dove. Not enough mood or scares, and too much of all of the following: pseudo science astral projection / mental flashbacks, jazz tap dance, big over the top special fx, traversing the globe, and Linda Blair vanity project / poor acting. James Earl Jones, Louise Fletcher, and Richard BUrton are great, though.*  between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Hannibal: Entree *"A bunch of psychopaths helping each other out."* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Coven "Head" *Proudly marching to the guillotine of perdition.* 3 stars

"Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror" (1981) *Eye-Talian style maggot-filled weapon-wielding zombies laying siege on a gothic mansion. Gore filled disembowling deaths, shot gun blasts to zombie skulls, smashing / chopping zombies / people to bits, and titty chewing. Gloriously over the top dubbing. And lastly a "child" or dwarf(?) actor that makes Bud Cort look normal.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Only Sin Deep *Pretty woman on loan from the pawn shop.* 3 stars

The Walking Dead: The Distance *Rick Grimes, the most justifiably paranoid man on the planet of the undead, will watch gay love, from the shadows, just to make sure someone's intentions are legit.* close to 3 stars

"Sticks and Stones" (1996) *Another of those generic mid-1990s coming of age / the dangers of handguns in a family home / absentee parents (too busy being a doctor more than a mom Kirstie Alley) / abusive white trash parents (father of the main bully) / dealing with school bullies and also brothers who are bullies too (Zack from Saved by the Bell. *barf* on both accounts) and the bullied (a young and pudgy Seth Rogen, you would think but the kid's name is Max Goldblatt along with his bully tackling overprotective daddy played by Gary Busey), complete with that wholesome Americana past-time of baseball as a connecting theme for this sentimental tripe.* either 1/2 a star or close to 2 stars

--- Black History Month --- Bon Voyage Film Feature ---

"Trippin" (1996) *A young brutha and perpetual slacker, during his senior year in highschool, is constantly escaping reality into his fantasies that often feature fly booty honeys.* 2 1/2 stars

----------

[tweedlefan]

I saw that Sam Barnett quote about how each character could be a star in their own show, and that really sums up why I love this show so much. There are no throw away characters. Aside from Dirk we’ve got:

A man who was in a shitty band and lied about having a rare disease in order to get money from his parents, felt bad, lied about recovering when they ran out of money, sold his band’s equipment and said that it was stolen so he could pay for his sister who ACTUALLY had the disease, and is basically a living caught-in-a-web-of-lies parable

A woman who, aside from being Mr. Liar’s sister, used to be a punk riot grrrl until she came down with a disease which makes her feel like horrible violent things are happening to her at random times and is now home-bound

A woman whose mental illnesses kept her from getting into the FBI who uses her impressive skills and knowledge to work as a body guard for an eccentric millionaire

A man who was hired to hack into government computers and ends up kidnapped by a cosmic assassin and is somehow the most normal acting person ever despite these events

A woman who is compelled by the universe to assassinate random people, and in return is given everything she needs to accomplish her tasks by seemingly random coincidences and is also a dirt gremlin

A group of four escaped government experiments who feed off fear and have decided the best way to accomplish this was to travel in a Mystery Machine style van and chase people with bats/be general agents of chaos

I’d watch a show about any of those people.

[epsilonwrites]

what does rolayn think of each of his crew? how does he treat his apprentices? fave planet, icly and oocly? is he happy now? what does he do to unwind - if he even does unwind since he's an angry gremlin most of the time

rolayn tends to like his crew as a general rule, if only because they follow him and usually do as he says - but he does have thoughts on each of them.

khem val is a weird one. for a while he was fine with just ordering him around, taking advantage of having complete control of him, and all that, but eventually he began to respect khem’s power... not to mention. feel bad for him the more he realized how close this was to outright slavery. as such, he acts now to give khem more free choice to do what he wants - he ultimately chooses to get zash out of his body not only because he hates zash, but because he’s grown to like khem. in turn, khem holds a deep respect for rolayn, calling him potentially even greater than his former master. generally, khem is the companion he trusts the most and prefers to bring along in battle. despite khem insisting on eating him a few times, though that doesn’t really happen anymore.

similarly, rolayn used to HATE andronikos - mostly because him being around was only because his ally managed to trick him. rolayn even acted purely to spite him by killing the man andronikos wanted revenge on, an action he later came to regret as he personally became more vengeful. additionally, andronikos proved himself to be not only useful to his cause, but pleasant to be around with his talk of freedom and such. rolayn eventually apologized for taking his kill from him, appointed him the chief pilot of the ship, and became good friends with him in the process. they share a desire for absolute freedom, and a disdain for the republic.

lol, ashara. poor ashara. she’s where rolayn learned how to manipulate people. having to turn her to the dark side was actually a big step in rolayn’s development, where he learned the power of coercion over pure violence - and discovered his talent for manipulation. honestly, in some ways he didn’t even have to lie to her, just twist things he believed to be more appealing to a former jedi. over time, though, it became less about manipulation and more about actually convincing her that sith > jedi. he eventually dropped his act about wanting any kind of world peace, something he’d told her to get her to trust him more, and set about luring her over to the dark side more honestly. it worked, as she grew to resent the jedi much more, and would eventually become sith. 

talos! MIGHTY talos! rolayn is a big fan of talos, if only because he finds his eccentric behavior both endearing and entertaining. talos never seems to have anything negative to say, treats rolayn very respectfully, and is generally like. rolayn’s weird friend? there isn’t anything super deep between them, but rolayn likes him well enough to listen when he’s talking about ancient artifacts and shit.

finally, xalek. xalek reminds rolayn of himself, which is... strange? xalek is weird, because he doesn’t really get a lot of development or story stuff, which makes it tough to say how they’ll interact in the future. rolayn likes him, sees him as a powerful, fitting sith, and seeks to encourage him to become stronger. 

as for how he treats his apprentices... it’s different between the two. for ashara, he frequently talks with her about being sith, understanding the sith code, etc. etc., and makes sure she doesn’t go back to the light side. her idealism grates on him, though, and he’d prefer if she just didn’t have it - he sees it as totally useless, because nobody can really change how awful the world fundamentally is, regardless of how much they want to. as for xalek, he takes something of a hands off approach - xalek is quiet and anti-social, preferring to keep to himself and grow stronger on his own. rolayn is perfectly fine with that, though he does often send xalek out on tasks which will help improve his strength. 

he’s... pretty happy, nowadays. after all, he has everything he ever wanted. power, respect, etc. ... and he’s killed all of his most hated enemies, so what’s there to be upset about? it’s also a lot easier for him to unwind now, because he isn’t so stressed about. everything. rolayn likes reading up on sith lore and knowledge, taking a great interest in ancient sith artifacts and philosophy and such. he is the protector of ancient knowledge now, after all. might as well learn about it??