De-Aged Danny, gesturing to a dazed Bruce inside Wayne Manor: And this is Bruce! Otherwise known as the Himbo!
Reporters: Hmm, yes, interesting...
Bruce: What the-
Danny: I'm not sure what that word means. I heard it from Dick, but no one will give me my answer, not even Jason, who is easily bribed.
Bruce: Why are there reporters in my house!?
Danny, innocent and childlike: They asked to come inside, Bruce! They seemed like really nice people, so I thought it'd be polite to give them a tour.
Bruce, filled with infinite patience: I really wish you had asked me before you did that, chum.
Danny: But why? We don't have anything to hide... do we, Bruce?
Or, in order to rise to the Ghost Throne, Danny has to complete a series of trials to prove he is capable of ruling (or any other reason, Danny just needs to do trials to prove himself).
The last trial, issued by Clockwork, is thus: discover the Wayne Family secret in two weeks without the use of any of his powers.
He has one shapeshift to pick a form that could endere him to the Waynes, but only one before he starts and he has to get close to the family by his own wits. Danny, after studying the family and reading of one sentence summary of each Wayne, picks the body of a six-year-old little boy that looked like a child Jason Todd.
Bruce: That child is up to something.
Dick, third favorite: I don't know, Bruce; he acts like a normal kid.
Jason, #1 favorite: I doubt the old man's ever met a normal kid.
Tim, least favorite: Bruce is right, but can you please not talk like the villains from Chicken Run.
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satoru physically withers and crumbles every time you return his belongings. he doesn’t know how to tell you that he can only accidentally on purpose leave his glasses on your nightstand, or his jacket on your couch, or his shirt in your laundry so many times before he loses his mind. every time you don’t take he bait, he folds into himself and wonders why you don’t love him anymore and it costs him $22.50 to hear ieiri tell him to suck it up and use his words because he literally has to buy her company (and drinks).
but when you do take the bait, when you do wear his things, satoru thinks it’s all worth it. he can’t explain why it does what it does to him. it’s a sinister kind of possession he wants to have over you, knowing you’re your own person, free to do as you please, but also knowing you’re caged in him. it’s a lovesick kind of gooeyness that melts his heart seeing you fumble with the sleeves of a sweater that’s too long for you. it’s the vision of you seeing you drowning in him—in his clothes, in his things, in him, in him, in him. he’s selfish, he wants to consume you in as many ways as possible, wants you to drown in him, would die happily knowing you were one tenth as enraptured by him as he is with you. he doesn’t know how or why or when you gained so much power over him, but he doesn’t care, he doesn’t want you to ever stop, so if he has to keep pretending to leave his clothes and bags and glasses around then so be it.
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SO what i would've done in my epic perfect ending to the umbrella academy is:
EITHER
- ok, if we must do the downer ending where they sacrifice themselves to save the entire world and must no longer actually exist. what would've been a lot more satisfying and clever in addition to that is: the umbrella academy comics exist in the new world.
Claire is the writer/artist mastermind behind the series, because she has this strange near-memory of someone once telling her these bedtime stories about a group of dysfunctional but endearing superheroes. she assumes it must've been her imagination, but still, there's a resonating echo of love.
boom. our brellies live on and get to learn and grow and be happy in some way, even if it's in fiction.
OR
- when Five is talking to all the versions of himself in the Five Diner, he first thinks it's the whole family that's the problem with the timeline and yeah, that they'd need to die so everyone else could live, but then!
the other versions of him tell him that no, it's not the whole family that's the wrench in the gears of the universe. it never has been. it was him.
this whole time, he's been looking for answers in every direction but within. he was the only variable he hasn't considered, the last unknown.
more specifically, it was him leaving his family that broke the timeline and caused the curse of the inevitable apocalypse.
that led to the Commission, to the Kugelblitz, to the Umbrella Effect/Keepers Cult - to every possible bad ending, in every timeline Five and Lila ever saw.
so, uh... maybe after a conversation with Diego and Lila if they wanted to resolve that whole situation more.... maybe after a conversation with Viktor (Five's childhood best friend, despite the show literally always forgetting about that)...
Five gets on the timeline train one more time, then jumps back to the day he ran away. maybe he's young again but with all his memories intact, because he's figured out how to control that now, maybe he just tells his younger self not to mess with time travel or leave home.
either way, Five goes back to dinner. then he grows up with everyone.
Ben doesn't die, because Five being there helps save him somehow. Klaus gets better, Allison learns to let go, Diego and Luther reconcile, and Viktor has a best friend to tell him he's always been special, and help him sort out his powers properly.
Lila and the other Sparrows and Jennifer are still alive in this version of events, they just grew up differently, in different places and circumstances. they all find their way to the Hargreeves, because of course they do. Allison has Claire. my beloved Grace is there.
Reginald dies, and they dance at his funeral. the world doesn't end eight days from then, or any time after that.
the show ends with the gang dancing to I Think We're Alone Now, but they're in the same room this time, all together in their old house, and everything is the way they've always deserved.
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