#but yeah since one of the content warnings in one chapter is literally 'minor character death'

[reallydumbdannyphantomaus]

hi! i love your fic Switch, very fun stuff. if you don't mind me asking, why are the content warnings on ao3 always in the end notes instead of the start notes? shouldn't it be the other way around?

hello! thank you and I'm glad you like the fic ☺️ to answer your question, the reason is basically spoilers. by putting the content warnings in the end notes, i make it harder for people to read them by mistake at the beginning of the chapter and accidentally spoil themselves (if they don't want to). however, I always put something in the start notes to let people know where to look for them so they can seek them out. there should be something you can click, even, that takes you straight to the end notes. it's not necessarily perfect, but it's my way of trying to balance 2 concerns: peoples right to moderate the content they want to consume and have forewarning. and people who don't want any forewarning and want to be shocked

[enkas-illusion]

About My Man - Part 3/5

Fandom / Pairing: Jujutsu Kaisen / Choso x f!reader, Suguru x f!reader

Rating: NSFW/Explicit - MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

Content Warning: Fluff, language, hurt/comfort, slight making out

Chapter Summary: As you begin to accept the weird turn of events as your new reality, you prepare yourself to face some less-than-comfortable encounters.

Author’s Note: Umm so, I got carried away and now this is a 5 part story instead of the 3-part I’d initially intended. I realised it didn’t have enough build up and drive for the characters to act the way they do. Hope you enjoy it.

~ Eren’s Birdie

Song Dedication: Stupid by Vincent Blue

Part 2 | Part 4

When you wake up the next morning, you feel relatively calm and… bored. You check your phone, expecting a text from Choso like he usually would, only to find nothing at all.

Usually he’d hit you with a ‘reached home safely ma’am!’ or ‘i know you miss me already, sleep tight’ or literally just a bunch of stickers and gifs when he was too tired to type.

So you take it upon yourself to text him.

You: hey Cho. Hope you reached home safe.

You stare at your text and all you can think is how clingy you sound. But you don’t get time to take that train of thought any further when you see the three dots indicating that he’s typing.

Cho <3: Yup.

Oh. 

You wait, staring at your screen for about 5 minutes. 

Maybe he just woke up? Maybe he’s still trying to figure out what to say? 

You’re only met with disappointment as he goes offline. You subconsciously trace your fingertips over your lips. Yeah, that was definitely not a dream. Choso had, in fact, almost kissed you. You feel a pang of disappointment in your heart.

You realise you no longer had any plans for the day, since you were relying on Choso to make one. You quickly drag yourself out of the puddle of self-pity and your bed. Might as well make the most of a Sunday by taking yourself out on a date.

Looking at yourself in the mirror, you fake a smile so wide that your cheeks hurt and realise that Suguru must’ve easily seen through it and figured out how annoyed you were. You give yourself some words of encouragement, “Get your shit together man. At this rate, you’re gonna end up as the single cat lady… and NOT the cute type.”

To make things easier, you put a ban on thinking about crushes and love-life for the day during an unnecessarily long shower. You grab a bag with all your essentials, text Luna about your whereabouts and make your way to the local cafe you frequented almost every other week.

“Hey! Look who showed up finally!” The cafe owner, Samantha smiles as she welcomes you.

“Hey Sam, been busy with work… you should know I’d never forget this cafe of all places!” you reply, smiling sheepishly.

“Ha ha, I believe you!” Sam has a heavily resonating voice that makes even her still empty cafe seem lively, “the regular?”

You nod, “Oh! Please make it take-away. I wanna sit in the park.”

“You got it!” she says as she vanishes in the back. You notice her rush around to decorate the glass shelves with freshly baked goods.

“Sam! Have you already prepared the Tiramisu, by any chance?” you ask her.

“Sorry love, that’s gonna take some time,” she yells back at you from the kitchen.

“Okay, no worries. I’ll come back for it some other time.”

Sam prepares your order in less than 10 minutes. You bid her goodbye as you merrily make your way to the park in anticipation of the first taste of your coffee and pain au chocolat, the best in town if someone were to personally ask you. You take the smallest sips, trying hard not to finish your coffee before you even reach the park.

Once you finally reach your destination and settle down on one of the wooden benches, you take a book out, plug your earphones in and take the first bite of the still warm pastry –  heaven. 

Your strategy to attain a peaceful solo date is a total flop – this realisation hits when you find it hard to concentrate even with classical music blasting in your earphones, reading the same sentence over and over till you finish eating the pastry.

Well, nevermind.

You close the book, placing it on the bench. As your mind wanders back to Choso, you change the playlist to pop to make it more ‘upbeat’. 

Anything but Choso and Suguru, please!

You take another sip as you close your eyes, basking in the sun, resting your head on the backrest. The warm morning sun feels good, though you know you only have another half hour before it goes from pleasant to hellishly hot.

After about 5 minutes of direct sunlight dancing on your skin, you feel shadowed. You squint your eyes open to see a very sweaty Suguru smiling down at you, blocking the sun’s rays.

“Stop standing there like an eclipse,” you take your earphones out to speak to him.

“Good morning, ex-girlfriend.”

You give him another one of your fake smiles.

“May I?” he points at the space next to you. You nod as you move further to one corner of the bench, picking up your book in one hand with the coffee cup in another hand. The aroma of even the almost empty cup is so strong that it reaches him the minute he sits down. 

“Cinnamon?” he asks in surprise. You nod. “But you used to hate cinnamon in coffee.”

“I like it now.”

“Hmm…” he pulls out the napkin tucked into the elastic of his sweat pants to wipe his face. His buff muscles glisten under the sunlight and you see his tattoos clearly for the first time. They still cut off at the bicep where his t-shirt begins and you wonder where the tattoos really end.

You snap out of it asap, feeling the need to make conversation to compensate for the staring, “I remember when you had your first tattoo.” 

“This one?” he lifts the left corner of his shirt up till you see the traditional japanese design of a dragon on his outer oblique muscle. You turn away to finish your coffee, not allowing yourself to stare for too long.

“Yup,” you chuckle, remembering the memory – you’d forgotten the design but not what had happened. Suguru desperately wanted the tattoo but had to hide it somewhere his mother wouldn’t notice and you were the one to suggest its placement.

“That’s the only one that stands out on its own. I wish I’d endured mom’s scolding for a better placement,” he laughs, “it’s so pretty, shame it stays so hidden.”

‘Yeah, just roam around shirtless. Apparently you’d love the extra attention on you!’ You refrain yourself from saying it out aloud.

You notice a few women passing by, stealing glances at the man sitting next to you. Suguru still has the same effect, turning heads way too frequently.

“It's still the same… everyone still stares at you as if you’re some Greek god,” you observe as you chuckle.

“Everyone but you,” he states.

You turn to look at him and he's resting an arm over the backrest and his head tilting on his arm, looking at only you.

“Suguru,” you warn him.

“Yes?” He smiles.

“Stop it. I don't know what you’re trying to do but stop it.”

“Why? You liked me before. You'll like me again!” He states smugly. You raise an eyebrow at him.

“Wait, that came out wrong. I mean, we both used to like each other, what's the harm in trying again?” He asks as he sits up straight. 

“There's no again. Are you done exploring your options?” You try your best not to let the annoyance slip into your voice.

“That– I was young and immature!” He defends.

“And I've moved on,” you take a deep breath, “Look, if it's friendship you want, then sure, we can try being friends… but I doubt there can ever be anything more.”

“Friends…” he contemplates, “okay, we started out as friends before anyway.”

You roll your eyes as you shove your things in your bag and get up in a haste.

He grabs your wrist, “Wait, wait! I'm kidding! Friends it is.”

“Okay, cool,” you nod before leaving him on the bench anyway. 

He takes steady steps behind you, “Where did you get that coffee? Smells delicious.”

“It's just around the corner. About 500 metres from the park's entrance,” you reply, still walking ahead of him. When you stop near the trash can to discard the empty cup, you hear him call your name again.

“Take me there?” He asks, grinning sheepishly at you. At that moment, you decide to cut him some slack. You could catch a break too, so you start walking in the cafe’s direction once again.

“Okay. Follow me.”

At the cafe, after Sam smirks at you when she sees you enter with such a ‘hottie’, you dismiss her hopes as you reaffirm that ‘he’s just a friend’ while ordering for him.

“I’ll tell you later. Long story,” you whisper to her as you take the cup and pastry to your table where Suguru had been waiting for you.

This time, you actually catch up with Suguru properly. You tell each other about your jobs, a summary of the past 5 years in about 15 minutes and finally end up on his talk with your mother, who really did try matchmaking when she gave him your landlord’s number.

“I KNEW IT! She denied it when I asked yesterday!” you complain.

“She always knew you had a crush on me,” he laughs.

“Well, guess I need to update her on my love life,” you joke back.

“So, what’s the deal with this Choso guy anyway?” He tests the waters.

“I don’t know yet. I just know that I like him a lot… so much so that I get lovesick when he’s not around,” you bite your tongue, trying hard not to talk too much since it felt weird to tell Suguru about this of all people. Still as he persists, you tell him about the night you lied about the fake relationship. He listens calmly.

“What about him? Does he feel the same way?” he asks when you’re done.

“Maybe?”

“You’re settling for a maybe? You fought me for a confession by grabbing my collar and threatening to punch me,” he scoffs.

You feel your cheeks get hot with embarrassment at the memory – one that is just as fresh in Suguru’s mind as it is in yours because it was the angriest he’d ever seen you.

“Clearly, I no longer use that approach,” you clear your throat. He simply shrugs.

“Well, we almost kissed yesterday,” you feel the need to defend yourself.

“Wuss… I actually did kiss you,” he retorts calmly.

“And you chickened out too… so,” you scoff, getting slightly annoyed, “right, maybe I should just give up on everyone since I keep falling for the same type each time.”

“Hey…” he reaches his hand out to place it on top of yours, “I didn’t mean to– I’m sorry.” He squeezes your hand and you feel a bit calmer.

“Suguru. I’d like to be your friend but just… please, let me ease into it slowly,” you sigh, defeated.

“Okay,” he smiles, holding your gaze. 

You look down as you slowly pull your hand away in a way that doesn’t seem too harsh. He drinks the rest of his coffee in silence. The walk back home is quiet as well. 

“Right, then I guess I’ll see you around,” you finally speak as you reach in front of your apartment door.

“Yes you will,” he says as he takes a few steps more till he’s leaning against his apartment door.

“Bye,” you smile as you open your door. 

Suguru’s in no rush, still leaning lazily, waving at you till you’re out of his sight. It’s only when he hears your door lock click that he unlocks his door to go inside. Something he’d never admit out loud was that maybe a little part of him was hoping you’d call him over to talk some more.

~~~

You give Luna a brief summary, catching her up on your lore and for the first time, she admits how ‘fucked’ you are.

“Have you heard from Choso?” she asks.

You check your phone, “Nope.”

“Talk to him after work tomorrow,” Luna suggests. You nod. You were planning to if he doesn’t keep on ignoring you.

You decide to ignore the aches of your heart because you really needed to clear your head. So naturally, you binge about 10 episodes of Love Island for the rest of the day.

By midnight, you feel your eyelids get heavy but your brain still doesn’t feel sleepy. Instead, you find your consciousness drifting to a distant memory that still seemed as vivid as if it were just yesterday.

~ Flashback: 5 Years Ago ~

“Well, I called my mom and she said she’s not exactly ‘sure’ when they’d return,” you sigh.

“Hmm,” Suguru doesn’t look up from his books.

“I don’t know why your mom asks me to babysit a grownass man,” you joke as you sit on the corner of the table next to his textbooks.

“You were the one wanting to hang out with me,” Suguru mumbles, still concentrating on his reading.

“Suguru please, you’re boring me to death,” you complain.

“Unlike you, I really do need to study. I can’t just study everything the night before exams and get perfect grades.”

“SOMEBODY’S jealous,” you giggle. He brings the palm of his hand over your mouth to shut you up. You bite his skin lightly and he retracts his hand immediately. He finally looks up at you and you pout at him. 

“Fine! What would you like to do?” he asks, closing the book shut.

“I don’t know,” you giggle.

“God, you’re annoying,” he says as he stands up in front of you.

“It’s an antidote for your boring ass,” you mock him back.

“My ass is anything but boring,” he scoffs.

“Yeah, I have noticed… just like every other girl in school,” you laugh.

“SOMEBODY’S jealous,” he mocks you.

“Me? As if! When hell freezes over,” you roll your eyes at him. He moves closer to you. 

“You realise you make it so obvious,” he snickers as he leans closer, caging you by placing one hand on either side of you.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you lie, a smile still plastered on your face as you stare into his eyes. You see his intention change in his eyes.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he warns you softly.

“Like what?” you ask, feigning innocence.

“Like you’re in love with me,” he’s blunt.

Your breath hitches before you manage to speak, “And what if I am?”

He stares at you, figuring out whether you were still teasing him or actually managed to confess your feelings that he was already so painfully aware about.

He gives you a quick peck to gauge your reaction – you’re stunned… and bushing, but you don’t pull back. So he leans back in as he captures your lips in a kiss once again. You open your mouth slightly, not knowing what to do.

As he slowly slides his tongue in your mouth, you let him take the lead. You let him guide you as you go from someone who’d never been kissed to someone who learnt from the best. The rush of your first kiss takes over, making you feel more confident as your lips chase his plump ones, mirroring his ministrations.

Suguru’s hands move down your sides till he’s cupping your ass before tugging at your thighs. You hook your legs around his hips and your hands around his shoulders when his hands grip your waist to lift you off the table with ease. He walks you to his bed and your lips only part for a split second when your back hits the soft mattress.

Your arms are still wrapped around his neck before he pulls back, his chest heaves when he takes shallow breaths. You bring one hand to cup his face as you look at him so lovingly that it makes his knees feel weak.

“Fuck,” he mumbles as he pulls his t-shirt off in one swift motion. Your eyes wander down to his toned torso and to the plastic film that’s covering his still healing tattoo. He intertwines his fingers with yours, kissing your knuckles before pinning your hands above your head. Burying his face into your neck, his teeth tug at your sensitive skin, causing you to let out an involuntary moan.

He brings one hand under your t-shirt, pulling your bra down to play with one of your hardened nipples. This new sensation makes your brain go hazy as you moan his name out loud. 

He finds himself losing his composure as he grinds his hips against your crotch. You feel something hard rub against your clothed cunt each time he repeats the movement. You wish he'd tear off your clothes in that very instant. As if he can read your thoughts, Suguru pushes your t-shirt up over your chest.

Your eyes meet as he grins at you, yanking your bra down to expose your tits before his puffy wet lips close around one of your nipples and he sucks hard on the bud. You grip his hair roughly, “Suguru!”

“Ah– fuck,” he groans as he moves up to look into your eyes once again before kissing you hastily. Your sighs and restricted moans get lost on his tongue. He parts again, allowing you both to catch your breaths. You’re not sure for how long you’d been kissing but with every second that passes, you feel this insatiable hunger for more.

His lips sucking purple-blue claims over the flesh of your boobs makes your brain short circuit at the amount of pleasure taking over your senses. Your skin burns hot when his hand snakes down to unbutton your pants. You feel his hand shake as he dips it inside your pants, his eyes almost rolling to the back of his head when he realises how wet you are.

“Shit– you’re so hot,” he swipes two fingers over your clothed cunt, pressing firmly against the wet fabric. You furrow your eyebrows as your head luls back and your back arches.

“Hey– hey,” he grabs your chin to make you look at him once again. He devours your lips once again, making your skin tingle as he bites your bottom lip.

“Suguru… I love–”

You pause and your eyes widen when you hear the main door open before you have a chance to finish your sentence. It’s clear that Suguru hears it too as he gets off of you instantly. He finds his t-shirt to put it on again and you rush into the bathroom to adjust your clothes when you hear footsteps outside his room door.

You hear his mom call your name outside and Suguru saying something but it's far from coherent — their voices drowned out by the rapid beating of your heart. You look in the mirror to fix your appearance before slowly opening the bathroom door. 

“There you are, dear! You mum’s waiting downstairs,” his mom smiles at you and you notice Suguru already had his book opened, pretending to study as he sat on the chair.

“Oh yeah, alright. See you later,” you feel hot under her gaze.

“Bye, see ya,” Suguru looks at you and you rush downstairs.

“Everything alright? You look a bit sick,” you mom worries as you walk past her to the main door.

“Yeah, just tired,” you lie as you lead her out the door, carrying the shopping bags she had with her.

You don’t hear back from Suguru as he actively avoids you everywhere, so much so that he switches gym time to evade you. You text him but get no reply nonetheless. You feel disheartened and decide to give him some space… for about two weeks. The feeling eats you from inside – if you were going to be rejected, it’d better be a clear rejection without a speck of doubt.

So you end up at his house, ringing the doorbell when you know he’d usually be home from class. You press the bell once again when you get no response. As you start to wonder if this was a futile attempt, the door clicks open and Suguru peeps out, headphones hanging around his neck. 

He looks surprised, not expecting you to show up at such a random time. But then he opens the door for you, the colour returning to his face as he prepares himself for the confrontation. 

“Mum’s not home,” he speaks as he closes the door behind you.

“I know. She went out with my mom,” you make your way to the living room couch where his video game console is laid out. 

“Would you like to play?” he asks as he settles next to you, picking up the console.

You stare at him in disbelief. One, you were already angry at him for ghosting you after your FIRST kiss, of all things. Two, seeing him playing a video game without a care in the world, while you had been miserable for the past two weeks, makes your blood boil.

“So, I guess we’re just going to avoid whatever’s going on between us?” you ask.

“Nothing’s going on between us,” he mumbles, eyes not sparing you a glance.

This was the first time you’d seen Suguru act this way. You’d never seen this side of him, and it makes you feel even more queasy.

“Suguru,” you warn him, “talk to me.”

“What’s there to talk abou–”

Before he gets a chance to finish his sentence, you’re almost pouncing on him, throwing his console to the ground before grabbing him by the collar of his shirt.

“WHAT’S THERE TO TALK ABOUT?” you yell, absolutely livid. Your grip on his shirt tightens as your knee slightly slips off the couch. Suguru holds you in place, his fingers digging into the flesh of your waist.

He sighs as he calls out your name, scared of your wrath for the first time as the anger burns in your eyes, “Please calm down.”

Your fingers are still tightly gripping his shirt, knuckles turning white, but your head slumps down as tears threaten to escape your eyes. It’s a premonition – wherever this is going, you already know it’s not going to end well.

“Can I explain?” he speaks softly as his hands come up to your wrists. You loosen your grip as you nod and he holds your wrists down softly, not letting them go as he continues, “I feel like I’ve fucked up our friendship. I knew you had a crush on me… it was a mistake, I– I never should’ve kissed you.”

“How can you be so cruel, Suguru? You knew yet you still… you’re the meanest,” your voice cracks.

“This is exactly what I wanted to avoid. I knew you'd be like this… I just don’t want to break your heart. You know I’m not meant for serious shit,” he shakes his head, his thumbs rubbing over your skin in a not-so-consoling manner, “As much as I love y–”

“Bullshit,” you sniff.

He lets out a heavy sigh, “I know you. I don’t want to break your heart.”

“Then you shouldn't have kissed me!” you hit his chest with two weak punches.

“Because I’m still attracted to you! I just can’t be who you want me to be. I'm holding myself back because I don't want to treat you as if you're just another hook-up,” his fingers wrap around your wrists firmly this time, as if he’s preparing for you to hit him again.

You laugh in disbelief, “Is your brain really in your fucking dick? You know what? I’m so glad your mom interrupted us that day.”

“I’m sorry, okay? I just don’t want to make promises I won’t be able to keep… especially not with you,” his hands soften when your grip loosens as he tries to interlace his fingers with yours.

You feel your hands shake and take a deep breath. His lips brush against your fingertips lightly before he places a kiss on the back of your hand as he rests his forehead against yours. 

He lets go of your hands to pull you closer into a hug instead – his arms wrapping around you in such a comforting way that it almost tricks you into believing everything is alright. But there it is again; he says your name as if it's an apology, whispering it so delicately in a desperate attempt to disarm your fury. 

Despite the tears in your eyes betraying you, your face looks indifferent as you push him away slowly. You look him in the eyes as you dictate, “Don’t you ever dare talk to me again.”

 ~ End of Flashback ~

You wake up to the blaring sound of the alarm ringing incessantly as you try to fish your phone out from where it was lost somewhere in the blanket. By the time you manage to find it to snooze it for 10 more minutes, you’ve already wide awake.

As you make your way to the living room, Luna has laid out breakfast for two, already dressed up to leave for work.

“Good morn– wow,” she raises her eyebrows as she looks at your tired face.

“What?” you ask as you rub your eyes.

“Did you not sleep last night?”

“I did… not very well though,” you yawn as you sit on one of the chairs.

“Eat. You’ll feel better,” she hands you a plate of her famous omelette and toast.

You like being babied by Luna like this – something she had been doing for the past 4 days. You smile at her, the gratitude visible in your teary eyes.

“Has he talked to you yet?” she asks you. You shake your head, stuffing your mouth with the delicious food.

“He’s been acting weird all week… I asked Satoru but he doesn’t have a clue either… Was Choso really that affected by the Suguru thing?” Luna wonders.

“Damned if I knew,” you mumble. It was Thursday and Choso had successfully avoided you the whole week – speaking only when necessary and diligently skipping the smoke and coffee breaks at work.

“Just talk to him. I kinda feel bad that I was the one who started the lie,” Luna sighs.

“No… I’m just giving him space. He can talk to me whenever he wants,” you shrug, making the weakest excuse. In reality, you were worried about rejection for real this time. You were way too familiar with the telltale signs of an incoming heartbreak.

“I’m not home tonight so call him over,” Luna insists.

“Where are you going?” you ask.

“Satoru invited me over for movie night,” she giggles and you raise your eyebrows.

“Are you guys–”

“Nothing serious. We’re both hot and horny so we figured, why not?”

“Since when?” you enquire further, surprise visible on your face.

“I didn’t wanna bother you as it wasn’t anything important. You’ve not been exactly– you know… with this whole Choso Suguru ordeal,” she confesses.

“I’m sorry… I feel selfish for not even checking up on you sooner,” you apologise. 

“It’s fine. We can gossip later. Just sort it out tonight,” she smiles at you. 

You get up off your chair, swallowing the last bite hurriedly, and move closer to give her a kiss on the cheek, “Yes mother.”

“Now go get ready… you woke up really late,” Luna checks her phone for the time.

“Actually, I asked them to let me work from home for today,” you admit, guilt lacing your voice.

“Oh my god! You’re trying to avoid him too!” she gasps. You groan as you collapse on the sofa. 

She grabs her things to leave, shooting a warning glance your way, “Tonight. Do it tonight!”

After you hear the door close when Luna leaves, you lie still for another 5 minutes, staring at the ceiling. You check your phone for the time – you had 15 minutes to log in for the day. 

You lock your screen as you sit up, only to hastily open it again to send a text that was way overdue before making your way to the bathroom.

You: stop avoiding me. Come to my house after work.

The minute you’re done with your shower, you run straight to your phone, with your towel still wrapped around you as tiny drops of water drip on the floor where you stand. You open his chat to see what he had replied.

Cho <3: Ok.

Jeez. So dry.

You sigh as you throw your phone to the side and get ready for work. The quicker you finished your tasks for the day, the more time you’d have to prepare what you wanted to say to Choso.

The rest of your day is pretty ordinary. Focusing solely on work pays off when you finish everything by 5pm, with another hour left to log out. It’s only when your stomach growls loudly that you realise how hungry you’d been since you skipped lunch.

And that’s how the last hour goes by, cooking pasta from scratch and feasting on it all till you’d licked the whole dish clean. When the anxiety starts stirring up, you clean and dust the whole house to keep yourself occupied.

You check your phone again. There’s no text from Choso but it’s 30 minutes past office time so you figure he might be on his way. You take a quick hot shower to relax yourself and your doorbell rings right as you finish dressing up.

Stumbling on your feet as you quickly pull up your sweatpants, you run to the door. You take a deep breath before swinging the door open.

“Hi,” you smile at Choso, a sense of relief washing over because you’d half expected him to make some excuse and avoid coming over tonight.

“Hi,” he smiles back awkwardly. You’re about to invite him in when you see Suguru walk to his door with four huge grocery bags in both hands.

He has his phone pressed in between his ear and his shoulder. “Right… hmm, okay. That’ll work too i guess…” he continues speaking to someone on the other end. You wonder if he ignores you two to not make it awkward but your doubt is cleared up as soon as he mouths a ‘hi’ with a bright smile, still trying to wave at you with occupied hands.

Suguru looks so funny you almost let out a laugh but manage to hold yourself back, simply waving back at him. Suguru doesn’t bother looking at Choso, actively avoiding him as he quickly unlocks the door to his apartment, leaving the two of you alone again.

You refocus your attention on Choso once again, whose face isn’t as relaxed as it was moments ago.

“Come in,” you move to the side to make way for him but he doesn’t enter. 

Instead he holds up the key in his hand, waving it in front of you, “Wanna go out for a ride instead? The weather’s nice.”

Your face lights up at the idea. You excuse yourself to quickly grab your phone, house keys and shoes as you follow behind him, making your way to his bike in the parking lot.

“I see you got your bike back from Satoru,” you make conversation as he puts on his helmet.

“Yeah… took forever to get his car repaired,” he chuckles. He turns to you to put the spare helmet on your head.

“How did you know I'd agree?” you ask him as he fastens the helmet securely on your head.

“I didn’t,” he looks at your face briefly before getting on the bike, “I was contemplating it myself.”

“So technically I can still say no and go back upstairs?” you question, your soul itching for answers.

“Yea, but I know you won’t,” he smiles as he waits for you, “Cause I know you.”

You feel annoyed. He’s not wrong. You agreed for the ride without even thinking about it.

You climb up as you sit at the edge, maintaining a gap between your bodies, “Then do you know how I’m feeling right now?”

“Annoyed,” he answers.

“Correct.”

He grabs your wrists, guiding them around his waist, pulling you closer to eliminate the space between, “Hold tight. Let’s get you some ice cream first.”

Your cheeks grow warm as you hug him tight from behind. 

How can you be mad at him when he knows a hundred different ways to make you melt?

You ride in silence, the evening air dancing on your skin and you close your eyes as he speeds away on the open highway, taking the long route to your destination. 

It’s so simple and mundane, yet not being locked up in your room makes you feel a lot calmer than you were a few hours ago. 

Although you try hard to deny it to keep yourself from feeling so emotionally dependent – in reality, your mood changed the moment Choso had pulled you closer, his scent infiltrating your senses completely.

You open your eyes when you sense him park the bike. He gently takes off your helmet when you get off and you smoothen out your hair while he takes his off.

It’s only when you both sit in a corner of the cafe with your ice creams when he finally speaks up, “I was surprised to not see you at the office today.”

“I felt tired so I decided to work from home,” you answer.

“I know,” he says and you wait for him to continue, “Lu told me.”

You nod as you enjoy your ice cream in silence. He does the same. 

“So…” you begin.

“I got jealous,” he cuts you off as he admits before you even think up a question.

“Oh,” you don’t know what else to say. Admittedly, you wanted to bring up the kiss first. But by the looks of it, he was skipping over it, so you decided that you would too.

“Are you sure you're over him?” Choso suddenly asks.

“What?” you ask confused.

“Suguru.”

“Yes! Why wouldn't I be?” you frown.

“Well it’s only been like what… 3-4 weeks since the breakup? And now he’s your neighbour too,” he lays out his logic… which wouldn’t make sense if only he knew the truth.

Right. About time you confess and set things straight!

But you couldn’t help but feel pathetic in this situation. The lie has been blown so out of proportion that each time you wish to speak, it feels as if you’d puke instead.

“I dont want to fuck things up between us,” he explains further and the words have a familiar ring to them from once upon a time ago.

In that moment, you realise not once has he explicitly mentioned that he likes you more than friends are supposed to and that scares you. This feeling’s familiar – actions can sometimes trick you more than words. 

Confessions are different; they’re set in stone. ‘I like you’ can only be interpreted in one way, whereas a kiss, or in this case an almost kiss, can have multiple implications. So you bite your tongue once again.

“I don’t want to be just a rebound. I don’t want you to regret us,” he sighs.

“Trust me, you have no reason to be jealous, Cho— ah, shit!,” you fan your mouth as if it can help the brain freeze. Without even realising it, you’d taken a huge bite out of the ice cream while being lost in your thoughts.  

Choso laughs as he sees you shake your head.

“Am I getting old so soon?” you chuckle when it passes, “My tongue’s heavy already! I could easily eat 10 of these.” 

“Would you like to try mine?” he offers as he holds his spoon closer to your mouth. You nod immediately and he feeds you. You put your thumb up in approval.

“Wanna try this?” you ask and it’s your turn to move your cone closer to his mouth. 

He brings his hand over yours, warm fingers wrapping around your cold ones as he guides the cone closer to his face. He leans forward to lick the melting ice cream and you wonder if he’s the one doing it so seductively or if it’s your head that’s always in the gutter.

“Better than mine,” he comments and you simply nod with a smile. Silence falls over again but it’s not as uncomfortable as before. When you’re done, you ride back home, taking the longer route once again.

When you reach the parking lot, you talk about work and other insignificant things. He’s taken off his helmet along with yours, as he leans against the parked bike. You wonder if it’s a sign that he wants you to invite him up.

“Cho,” you almost mumble.

“Yes?” he asks, folding his hands to his chest and you can see the outline of his biceps through the thin cotton shirt. You tear your eyes away from his body to stare into his eyes instead.

“Just don’t ghost me again,” you warn him, “I hate it. Whatever it is, just talk to me.”

“How can I ghost you? My day’s incomplete without seeing your cute face,” he smiles.

“Right, as if I believe you now!” you roll your eyes, making him laugh.

“I’m sorry,” he extends his hands out to hold yours, pulling you a step closer towards him.

You look down at your hands as you bite your lip in contemplation, trying to form a proper sentence to invite him upstairs. He calls out your name to grab your attention. You look up at him again.

“Let's take it slow?” Choso asks.

Oh.

“Okay,” you nod.

“Okay,” he smiles as he squeezes your hands.

“How about now?” you joke.

He laughs as he shakes his head, “Stop being so cute.”

You blush at his words but still sigh as your tone gets more sincere, “but okay, I understand.”

“Oh! By the way, I'm going home for the weekend. Just saying, I’m not ghosting you again. Might even miss you… just a little bit,” he grins.

“I won’t miss you at all!” you tease back, “Good night Cho.”

Choso laughs again as he stands up straight to encase you into a hug. His arms snake around your waist as he buries his head in the crook of your neck. Your hands rest on his chest as you feel him inhale your scent softly.

“Cho, it tickles,” you giggle but don’t push him away. Instead you slide your hands up his shoulders.

“You make it so fucking hard for me to control myself,” he mumbles so quietly that you almost miss it. 

“You know… Lu’s not home tonight,” you whisper as you hesitantly wrap your arms around his neck.

He takes a moment to speak up as you lazily caress the back of his head.

“Slow,” he scolds.

“You totally considered it for a second!” you gasp.

“Shhh,” his face is still buried against your neck as his arms wrap around your waist even tighter. You feel goosebumps all over your skin when he pecks the corner of your jaw softly, “Good night.”

Before you realise it, he releases you from his hold, quickly hopping on his bike, ready to leave. He turns to look at you once again and you wave at him as he exits the parking lot.

When he’s out of sight, you turn around to walk up to your apartment. As you walk back in a haze, you decide that you would come clean about the lie and confess your feelings when he returns on Monday. 

For better or for worse – you had made up your mind to rip the concrete band-aid off once and for all.

~to be continued~

[keeshya6]

Last Chance

Chapter 1 - The Last Thing You Expected

Joel Miller x f!Reader

Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5

Rating: M (Eventually will be E. 18+ only, minors dni!)

Word Count: 1.6k

Summary: You had been happy once. That was a long time ago. Then life had just gotten in the way.

And after that? The world ended.

Since then, you've just been trying to survive. You definitely didn't think you'd ever run into your past, much less have a chance to try again.

Content Warnings and general info: This will be both post- and pre- outbreak. There WILL be spoilers from the show. Slow burn, kinda. You'll see what I mean.

I do avoid most specific descriptors for Reader characters, but she does have long-ish hair, though texture and color are not specified. She also blushes, though I don't specify just how noticeable it is. Character will have a background/history. I tend to treat a Reader character like a role that people can step into, rather than her literally being the person reading it. The Reader character also has a nickname.

First chapter doesn't really have much to warn about other than minor flirtation. That's about it. I will include more warnings in future chapters.

Lastly, this is a pretty short chapter, just to get us started. Future chapters will be longer, I'm sure. Possibly, significantly longer.

Also available on Ao3

I hope you enjoy!

----------

Chapter 1 - The Last Thing You Expected

----------

This can't be real. 

There's no way that's him. No way. 

You haven't seen him in two decades. Since the day you broke your own heart and boarded a plane out of Texas. That was over a thousand miles away.

And about four months before the world ended.

You swallow thickly, your brows pinching together into a scowl as you look at his back for another moment, trying to quiet the rapid beating of your heart.

"Tommy?" His name comes out of you with a bit of a squeak and you have to clear your throat. 

He stops, mid-sentence in ordering a drink at the bar of The Tipsy Bison, and turns to look at you. 

You hadn't meant to be rude and interrupt. You're just so surprised.

You're not the only one. 

Tommy's eyes narrow a bit as he looks at you, faint recognition showing in his expression, like he's trying to place your face. 

He hasn't changed. The same dark hair, worn long. Same small mustache. Same dark eyes. Handsome features worn a little bit with age, but not much. He still looks just like you remember Tommy Miller looking. 

Those dark eyes finally light up with realization and his brows shoot up towards his hairline. He gasps out your name before giving a laugh of disbelief and coming off of his barstool in a rush to scoop you up in a hug.

You squeak again in surprise and then you're laughing, too. Wrapping your arms around his neck, you return the hug as he lifts you off the floor for a moment. 

When he sets you back down on your own feet, he's beaming at you. "What are you doing here, Eeps?"

You give an exaggerated sigh and roll your eyes. "Oh God, I forgot about that nickname."

Tommy grins down at you. "I did, too, until you made that noise."

You scrunch up your nose at him before you're both laughing again.

Giving a firm squeeze to your shoulders, he guides you over to the bar. "When did you get into Jackson?"

It takes you a moment to maneuver yourself onto one of the tall barstools and then he sits on the one next to you. "About a week ago. Just…been getting settled," you answer with a shrug. "How about you?"

"Almost two years ago now," he says with a slight shrug. 

You give a little nod in acknowledgement, and then a quiet moment passes before you smile at him again. "You look good, Tommy."

He smirks, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. There might even be a bit of a red tinge in his cheeks at the compliment. "Thanks, Eeps. Things have been…pretty good lately." His smirk becomes a grin and he seems to get lost in thought for a moment. "Yeah…Jackson's been good to me," he says with a firm nod, focusing on you again. He reaches over, lightly bumping your knee with a fist. "You're looking good too!"

You snort softly and laugh. "Should've seen me a week ago. You wouldn't have recognized me at all. Amazing what a week's worth of decent sleep and some good food will do."

His face splits into another brief grin. "Yeah, it is." Then, Tommy hesitates for a moment, growing serious before asking, "Where were you before?"

You fidget with the bottom hem of your shirt, absentmindedly, giving a small shrug as your expression turns sad. A little haunted. "The Portland QZ. It… it got overrun a few months ago."

A noticeable cringe crosses his features. "Damn. Sorry."

Another shrug lifts up your shoulders. "Fact of life now," you murmur.  Then you give him another strained smile. "But thanks." You pause for a moment, before your curiosity starts to poke at you. "What about you…before here?" 

Tommy turns on his stool to face the bar, waving to catch the bartender's attention before looking over at you again. "Umm… a few different places. Boston, for a while. Then, worked my way across the country."

"Oh, wow," you gasp out, your eyebrows arching sharply. And you thought it would have been a long trip from Austin. "Um… were you-"

You cut your question short when the bartender steps over. Tommy requests a whiskey for himself and gives you a questioning look. 

"Oh… just a beer, please?"

The bartender nods and turns to grab your drinks as Tommy focuses back on you. 

You're fidgeting again, this time tapping your fingertips one at a time against the pad of your thumb. It's an old, nervous habit.

"All the way across the country, huh?" you ask, trying to sound nonchalant and failing miserably. "On-on your own?"

A soft, knowing smile crosses Tommy's lips. "No. Most of the time I was with friends."

Friends. 

Not family. 

You nod, grateful for the beer that's placed in front of you. Grabbing it up, you take a long swig of it as he takes a swallow of his whiskey.

When you look back at Tommy again, you sigh shakily. That knowing look hasn't left his face. You both know the questions you are avoiding asking.

You're scared that you already know the answers. 

You thought you had moved on a long time ago, never having expected to see anyone from your past again. 

Just seeing Tommy alive, so far from the life you knew him in before, is a miracle. This world has so few of those to offer anymore.

It's too much to ask for another. 

Tommy is the one to break the growing silence between you though, taking pity on you so you don't have to voice your question. 

His words steal the air from your lungs. 

"Joel's alive, Eeps."

—

"Um, hey there…"

You had nearly choked on a gulp of red wine, surprised by that voice. Thankfully, it had come from behind you, and you were able to cover up your mishap by gently clearing your throat before turning. 

Swallowing hard, you had turned on your toes to find the source of the voice as it spoke again.

"I don't think we've been properly introduced yet, Miss."

Oh, Good Lord. If that luscious baritone -with just a hint of a fry to it- wasn't as sweet as a good, Georgia-peach iced tea, then you didn't know what was. 

And the face that came with it?

Well, if they made men like this in Texas, then you thought you just might be able to learn to like it here after all. 

His words had finally clicked in your mind and you gave a little smile, shaking your head. "No. I don't think so."

Eyes of the warmest and richest russet brown you'd ever seen watched you closely, seeming to study the details of your own eyes as you took in the details of his. Tiny lines at their corners deepened as he gave you an almost bashful smile.

"Hope you don't mind, but I wanted to fix that," he said, a bit of a drawl coming through.  His broad shoulders moved in a shrug before he offered a hand. "M' name's Joel Miller."

Your tongue darted across your lips as unexpected nervousness pricked at your mind, your stomach a bit of a flutter.  Reaching out, you couldn't help noticing how his hand dwarfed your own, yet his grip was gentle as he shook it. 

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Miller," you said, after giving him your name and a soft smile.

His rumbling chuckle made a warmth dance across your skin, and you prayed to whoever might listen that you weren't actually blushing like a silly school girl. 

"Please, just Joel is fine. If my brother heard me called 'Mr. Miller'... well, I'd never hear the end of it."

You laughed a little at that and nodded, nervously tucking a rebellious lock of hair behind your ear. Lifting your glass of wine, you took a sip of it to give yourself a moment, to gather up your nerves and tuck them back away where they belonged. 

After that sip, and a clarifying deep breath, you felt a little more composed and gave him a warm smile. 

"Okay, Joel it is." 

Oh well, jeez, why did he have to smile like that? You had just gotten that threat of a blush under control!

Then you blinked in realization. 

"Oh! 'Miller'. You're with the new contracting company that saved our bacon on the top floors," you said. 

Now he almost seemed to blush with a single-shouldered shrug. "I don't know about 'saved your bacon', but yeah. That's my company."

You definitely knew that Miller Construction had saved your bosses some hassle. You were part of the architectural design team for a new high-rise hotel in Austin. The build was nearly done except for the top two floors, which included what would be the highest costing suites, when the previous contractors had started pulling some tricks in an attempt to renegotiate their contract. The firm you worked for had nearly been forced to agree to the new terms just to meet the deadline,  when Miller Construction came around with a bid that saved them time and money. 

In fact, it was such a good deal that you had wondered how the new contractor could possibly be making any money off of it. It turned out that it was a fairly new company. The owners, a pair of brothers that your boss knew from when they worked for a different company, were just getting started on their own and trying to build up their customer base. 

Your smile had brightened a bit. "Oh, I know you saved us a bunch of hassle," you said. "And we appreciate it."

His smile widened, enough for a single dimple to cease one cheek. "Well… I won't argue it. I'll happily accept your appreciation," he had drawled. 

Oh boy. You were in trouble.

And this time you knew you were blushing.

[lithium80writer]

Bad Things (Eddie Munson Short Story)

⚠️Warnings: Explicit sexual content. MINORS DNI. Toxic relationship. Drugs. Angst.⚠️

Summary: Modern AU. Rockstar Eddie. Nova Gray is a pop star and the on again/off again girlfriend of rockstar Eddie Munson. Both of them are at the height of their career. Fame and trouble follow these two everywhere they go. They both know they are no good for each other but can they stay away? Just a heads up that this will not be typical sweet Eddie. He's kind of an asshole. But a hot one.

Characters and intro, Chapter one

Chapter Two: Eddie Fucking Munson

****Don't matter what you say. Don't matter what you do. I only wanna do bad things to you..****

Nova's POV

You had an interview today which you were dreading already. Rebecca White was one of the most nosy people in the industry and you already knew her questions would consist of nothing but Eddie Munson.

"You're gonna do great, babe." Max says gently as he kisses your cheek. You give him a half smile as you grab your purse and sling it over your shoulder. "Fuck.. where's my phone? I'm gonna be late." you groan as you flip the blanket on your bed searching for it.

You hear it ringing in the distance and Max makes it there before you. You see Eddie's face on the screen and Max's turns to you, his eyes full of questions.

"The performance at the VMA's is soon. I'm sure that's what it's about." you lie as you take your phone. Though broken up, you and Eddie still had to perform your duet together in a few days. That should be fun.

"Yeah, I'm sure... Call me when you're done with the interview. Maybe we can grab lunch somewhere?" Max calls as you head for the door.

"Sure!" you call back slamming the door behind you. You run to the elevator as your phone continues to ring. "Hello?" you answer the phone in a rush.

"Hey Princess."

God, his voice makes me melt.

"I don't have time to talk, Eddie. I'm in a hurry." you say quickly as push open the doors to the outside world. You see your driver parked and waiting for you.

"How's my favorite girl?" he continues anyways as you slide in the backseat of the car.

"When did I become your favorite over Stacie, or Jessica, or what was the bendy one's name... oh yeah... Trixie?" you snap.

"You're stressed. What's going on... hey, no teeth.." he mumbles.

"Are you seriously getting your dick sucked while you're calling me? Fuck you, Eddie!"

"Oh come on, you're the only one I let use teeth..."

You hang up the phone and lean back against the seat with a sigh. He's literally impossible.

Why does everything in me want to tell the driver to head there instead? Why am I always craving him?

You grab your phone again flipping through your contacts.

"I fucking hate him." you say as soon as she picks up and Chloe snorts.

"No you don't. But I've told you a thousand times, come to the dark side, baby. We have so much fun." she teases.

Chloe Monroe. My only true friend in this industry. Proud lesbian and hater of most of the male species.

"I do. He's such an asshole." you groan and she sighs deeply.

"So you're trying to decide if you should go fuck him or not." she states bluntly.

"What? No!" you protest. "Shit... maybe. I miss him." you mumble.

"Suck it up, baby. You need to go to this interview and then you need to go home to your sweet hunk of a man." Chloe says sternly.

"You're right. I know you're right."

"I'm always right. But if you do go, tell me all the filthy details later." she giggles and you just roll your eyes.

"I love you. Gotta go."

"Love you!"

Your driver meets your eyes through the mirror and shakes his head with a laugh.

"You do keep an old man like me entertained." Sal laughs and you can't help but give him a smile. He pulls up in front of the building and you take a deep breath before slipping out of the car.

I can do this. Just talk about my music. Stay focused.

The fact that it's filmed in front of a live audience wasn't helping your stress level. This was your first interview since your breakup six months ago. People wanted to know what happened. Everyone wanted to know the dirty details of your life as if it wasn't breaking your heart into pieces.

These people didn't care about you. They just wanted information. It was just the business.

You made your way to hair and makeup. The guy who tended to you was a sweetheart. He kept the conversation light and focused on getting you perfect for the camera.

And then came Rebecca.

"Nova! You look incredible!" she gushes as you stand up from the chair. You give her the fakest of smiles as she pulls you in for a hug.

"Thank you. So do you." you reply sweetly. "So I just wanted to make sure we were clear on the topics..."

"I know, dear. No talk of that handsome boy of yours... is he still yours?"

Fuck this shit.

"Rebecca, with all due respect, I don't have to do this interview."

"I'm only kidding. I received a list of all the off-topic things before the show. No Munson. No diets. No Max? Such a shame.. he's a cutie." she chatters.

"Are we clear?" you say shortly.

"I'll see you soon." she disappears swiftly and you feel even more nervous than before.

You quickly dial your manager and she answers immediately.

"You can't back out."

"She's gonna spend the entire interview talking about the breakup. I can already tell." you argue.

"Nova, you need this. You need to get back out there. You need to talk about your new album. You need to show them he didn't destroy you." Lisa pushes back.

You pause for a second weighing your options. She's gonna eat me alive.

"Put your big girl panties on. Those sexy ones, with the little bow." Lisa chuckles.

You exhale deeply and tell her you'll call her after.

Here we fucking go.

You walk out on the stage and the crowd begins with their clapping and cheers. You look out and give them all a wave as you plaster a smile on your face.

You see Rebecca seated in her chair as you make your way across the stage. She stands and greets you before you take your place across from her.

The questions start simple. "How have you been?" "What new projects are you working on?"

She lets you talk about your new album which makes you feel excited and a little more relaxed. Maybe she won't bring him up.

"Nova will be performing a song from her upcoming album for the first time for all of you!" Rebecca cheers. The crowd is filled with excitement as you make your way to the side of the stage.

The lights dim and you take the mic in your hand.

"Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep

If I shall die before I 'wake

I pray the Lord my soul to take."

You speak the first verse slowly. You close your eyes and shut out the people around you. You feel the music running through your veins as you begin to sing.

"I, I keep a record of the wreckage of my life.

I gotta recognize the weapon in my mind.

They talk shit, but I love it every time.

And I realize..

I've tasted blood and it is sweet.

I've had the rug pulled beneath my feet.

I've trusted lies and trusted men.

Broke down and put myself back together again.

Stared in the mirror and punched it to shatters.

Collected the pieces and picked out a dagger.

I've pinched my skin in between my two fingers

And wished I could cut some parts off with some scissors.

"Come on, little lady, give us a smile"

No, I ain't got nothin' to smile about.

I got no one to smile for, I waited a while for

A moment to say I don't owe you a goddamn thing.

I, I keep a record of the wreckage of my life

I gotta recognize the weapon in my mind

They talk shit, but I love it every time

And I realize..

I'm no sweet dream, but I'm a hell of a night.

That I'm no sweet dream, but I'm a hell of a night.

No, I won't smile, but I'll show you my teeth.

And Imma let you speak if you just let me breathe.

I've been polite, but won't be caught dead.

Lettin' a man tell me what I should do in my bed.

Keep my exes in check in my basement,

'Cause kindness is weakness, or worse, you're complacent.

I could play nice or I could be a bully.

I'm tired and angry, but somebody should be.."

You lose yourself in your song as you perform. Fuck, I missed this.

"Someone like me can be a real nightmare, completely aware.

But I'd rather be a real nightmare than die unaware, yeah.

Someone like me can be a real nightmare, completely aware.

But I'm glad to be a real nightmare, so save me your prayers..."

You finish the song softly.

"I'm no sweet dream, but I'm a hell of a night.

That I'm no sweet dream, but I'm a hell of a night."

The crowd cheers wildly as the lights brighten. You smile and give your lip a little bite. They liked it.

You start to feel a new confidence. One that's been missing these past few months. Maybe Lisa was right. This was needed.

You take your seat again across from Rebecca who praises you dramatically. She's so fake. Her personality and her entire face. It's not my business.. I'm just saying. You wouldn't recognize her if you had met her 5 years ago.

"Dark and dramatic and sexy all at once. I love it!" she purrs.

You give her a smile and thank her before glancing at the clock. It's almost over.

"Now.. a question we've all been wondering.."

Don't do it.

Your smile immediately fades.

"What happened between you and Eddie Munson? Everyone thought the two of you would be together forever. Well maybe not forever.. this is the fourth time you guys have split? The last one was pretty nasty." she flings the words out before you can even process.

This bitch. I can't overreact. It's a taping but there are people here, fans. She knows what she's doing.

There are murmurs throughout the crowd.

Calm down, Nova. Breathe.

"I like to keep some things private. My romantic life being one of them. I hope everyone here can understand that." you repeat the rehearsed lines Lisa fed to you before the show.

"Well I wouldn't call getting into a fight in a bar in front of one hundred people very private... what started that? Did he cheat?" she lowers her voice on the last word as if everyone in the room can't hear your conversation.

"Rebecca, I was in this industry before Eddie. I am an artist. My entire life doesn't revolve around Eddie fucking Munson." you spit the last words and Rebecca does a dramatic gasp.

Shit.

"I think this interview is done." you quickly make your way off the stage.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

You call Sal and rush down the stairs. The paparazzi is waiting for you as you open the doors.

"Nova! Over here!" Shouts and screams surround you as the flashes blind your eyes. Sal quickly makes his way to you and helps you into the car.

He pulls off quickly as your tears begin to fall.

"Home, Ms. Gray?"

"No... I.. can you take me to see him?" you sniffle.

Sal nods and turns down the familiar street. He slowly comes to a stop in front of the apartment building.

"Want me to wait?" Sal asks as you open the door to leave.

"No. Thank you, Sal." you say before shutting the door behind you.

You walk in and the security guard gives you a nod as he lets you past him. You slip in the elevator and chew your lip as you watch the floor numbers rise.

You reach his floor and stand in front of his door. Your phone goes off in your pocket.

Max: Any requests for lunch or you want me to pick?

Fuck.

The door opens and you look up to see his dark brown eyes. A shit eating grin on his face.

"Hello, sweetheart."

*A/N: lyrics from Halsey's song Nightmare

Masterlist to follow along 🖤

[esperosisdoeswriting]

Accursed, Chapter 1

Accursed lives rent free in my brain and has ever since I wrote it, I like to go back to it every once in a while and, when I did recently, I thought I myself “Yes Chapter 1 is good, but I’ve improved a ton since then (literally wrote an entire book lol) so I can do so much better now” as such I decided to rewrite the entire first Part/Chapter and I’m so much more happy with it now. Deffo gives the vibe I’m going for as-well as better incorporates a few plot elements and showcases personalities of our two main characters better. Overall, I like it quite a lot!

BE WARNED, Accursed deals with some very heavy topics and themes, please read the content warnings and be advised! This is a Supernatural/Psychological Horror with a child protagonist, so… yeah that should tell you a bit. BUT also keep in mind the main theme of Accursed is hope and overcoming adversity, so while there is darkness, there is no despair (if that makes sense)

Enjoy 2.5k words that turned into 7.2k words!

CW: Child Abuse (Minor), Threats of Violence against children, Referenced past violence against a child (There is no explicit violence against a child in this chapter), Religion (used somewhat as a coping mechanism), discussion of Suicide (and its relationship with Religion)

Tags: @sunflower-searching-light

The glass was shattered. Mom had broken it a while ago, delicate things never really lasted very long near her, or him, or anywhere. Lucas never really understood the

purpose in making things that broke so easily. If they could break they would, and then they were useless.

It didn’t really make sense to Lucas, but not a lot of things did.

Lucas stared more at the glass than his reflection in it as he sat on the bathroom counter. The soap was almost gone, he’d climbed on the counter to see if the cabinet with the mirror had any more in it, the cabinets below didn’t.

Lucas wasn’t quite sure how to open the mirrored cabinet, it didn’t have a handle like normal ones did. He didn’t ask mom, she was very tired lately and he didn’t want to upset her from having to see his face.

He looked at his reflection and wondered what it was about his face that caused so much pain and hardship. Mom hated seeing it, and anytime one of things that weren’t supposed to exist saw it they swarmed in and stuck to him like glue or a leech.

His face looked normal to him at least.

Two eyes, though he couldn’t see the right one since pieces of glass had fallen revealing the dark board underneath. He didn’t need to see it though, he knew it was the same light green as his left.

Dark cracks spiderwebbed across his pale skin, but when he touched his face he found it smooth and whole. His hair was short light brown, even though his mom’s was blonde. Maybe that was it, he had dad’s hair color and that’s why mom hated him and the things cursed him and tormented them both.

He always hated Dad, it made sense Mom would hate him for being related to the man.

Something moved in the darkness of the bathroom behind him and Lucas couldn’t be bothered to scream or cry or run away. It was tiring being scared all the time, so he just climbed down from the sink as the slinking creature followed him into his bedroom.

---------------------------

“Everything's going to be better now, you hear?” Mom told him as they drove too fast down the dark country road. “It was the city,” she hissed, “It was a- a- a cesspool of those monsters, those things. They grew and- and spawned in every darkened corner and dumpster filled with garbage. But not here baby! Not here! They can’t follow us out into good ol’ nature.”

Mom laughed as she petted Lucas’ hair, refusing to look at her as Lucas blankly stared out the window.

It wasn’t going to be any better. Lucas knew that the moment he saw the glowing yellow eyes staring at them from just beyond the tree line. He knew that the moment he heard the odd bump coming from the trunk of the van where something had crawled in. He knew it in the way Mom cried as she tried to reassure both of them.

He didn’t tell her it wasn’t going to get any better. But something told him that she knew it anyway as they finally arrived at the old cabin in the woods, far away from anyone that could hurt them.

Far away from anyone they could call to for help.

-----------------------

Mom was screaming down stairs again and hitting things, probably fighting the winged thing with mouths for eyes Lucas noticed nesting on top of the refrigerator earlier. He didn’t bother going down to help her. She could manage fine on her own and she was more likely to just start hitting him with the broom and screaming than she was to thank him.

Not like he could do much anyway.

Maybe, when he was older, he would be able to help Mom, when he was ten, or twelve, or sixteen. He could sit mom down, tell her it was all going to be okay while he took up the broom and caved the god-forsaken thing’s skull in. But he was eight, and his hands were small and the broom was too heavy.

He was useless really. Mom was right to hate him, it was his fault she was suffering like this.

Mom kept screaming as more bangs rang throughout the cabin.

Lucas felt the bed dip near him. He didn’t bother looking up.

“Lucas” the thing that had climbed in his window cooed to him. Lucas was fairly sure he’d closed it earlier, something must have opened it. Maybe he could get some kind of lock?

“Lucas,” the creature continued to hum as it slithered closer to him, finally coming to rest in the small space between Lucas’ back and the bedroom wall.

“What?” Lucas asked as he continued to read.

“Aren’t you tired Lucas?” the creature asked.

Lucas frowned at that as he finally looked up and over his shoulder at the creature, they didn’t usually talk this much. Just cooed and hummed and screamed his name while they tried to drag him away or tear him to pieces.

The thing was pale, its skin was white and sort of translucent, Lucas was fairly sure he could see whatever counted as muscles the thing had. It sort of reminded Lucas of a squid or that weird blobfish thing he’d seen on TV one time. It looked soft and sort of slimy, its seven eyes were beady and as pitch black as its side-ways mouth with rows of sharp, needle-like teeth.

Lucas’ frown deepened, not the weirdest or scariest looking monster he’d seen, but he really didn’t like how close it was. He didn’t want it getting slime all over him. “What do you mean? It’s the middle of the day.”

“No Lucas,” the creature whispered. “You don’t run anymore, you don’t scream or call out to your mother or even cry when you see us. You’re tired.”

Lucas turned back around to look at the book in his lap, “It’s exhausting. Not like it does anything anyway.”

“Yes Lucas,” the thing hummed in delight. “Don’t you want it to stop?”

“Obviously,” Lucas turned the page carefully, it was so thin the light from the window shown through it and the book itself was old. Lucas didn’t want to rip it.

“We can make it stop, you can make it stop. Don’t you want your mother to not have to suffer anymore?” the creature cooed into Lucas’ ear.

Lucas sat still, frozen for a moment, his hand still turning the page as silence fell between the both of them. His mom kept screaming downstairs.

“How?” Lucas asked as he finally resumed his movement and finished turning the page.

“Come with me Lucas, there's a place I can take you, and it’ll all be over.”

“Why do I have to go anywhere?” Lucas glanced back at the thing, “I just want you and your friends to stop coming here.”

“Because Lucas, you have to die,” the creature told him and Lucas tensed.

“Why?” Lucas scowled, “I thought you said you were going to stop and now you’re saying you’re going to kill me?”

“I’m sorry Lucas, but there is no way out of this where you live,” the creature spoke, its voice a mockery of sympathy. “You must die, but your mother will live. Your mother will be free and happy, don’t you want that Lucas? Neither of you will suffer anymore.”

Lucas brought his thumb up to his mouth and slotted his fingernail between his teeth, “ ‘Wherefore let them that suffer according to the will of God commit the keeping of their souls to him in well doing, as unto a faithful Creator’, “ Lucas mumbled, “Peter 4:19.”

“What?’ the creature asked.

“S’the bible,” Lucas took his thumb from his mouth as he blankly stared at the floor ahead of him. He closed the book and lifted it to show the creature his worn copy of the Bible. He’d read it more times then he could count, it was one of the only things he had.

“...Right,” the creature nodded, “Do you believe in heaven?”

“I don’t know,” Lucas admitted, “It’s nice to think about. That after this I’ll get to go to heaven with Mom, and everything will be okay.”

“Then why don’t we take you there a bit sooner,” the creature hummed. “Why wait and suffer as you do? When you can go to that wonderful place now and wait for your mother to join you?”

“I don’t want to go to Hell,” Lucas admitted as he held his Bible.

“Why would you go to Hell?” the monster asked, “You are blameless and without sin in this situation. Besides, I doubt children go to hell.”

Lucas shook his head, “Babies go to hell all the time, that's what the Bible said. If i kill myself I’ll go to hell, besides I’m not even baptised.”

The creature seemed to flounder at that, “We… We can baptize you on the way?”

“But it won’t matter if I kill myself,” Lucas bit his finger nail again, “ ‘And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and though shalt glorify me.’ Psalm 50:15.”

“We’ll kill you Lucas,” the creature assured him, “that isn’t suicide.”

“Yes it is,” Lucas hunched in on himself, “Because I’ll be going with you willingly! If I go with you I’m willing! And if I’m willing it’s suicide and I’ll go to Hell!” Lucas gritted his teeth. He didn’t want to go to Hell. He really, really didn’t want to go to Hell. That was his worst nightmare. He wasn’t even sure if he believed Hell existed honestly, but even just the concept of it scared him so deeply he didn’t want to risk it, not even for a moment.

Because if this was what life was like, what was hell going to be like?

The creature fell silent at that and the sound of his mother’s struggles with the monster down stairs finally ended.

“We’ll give you some time to think about it Lucas, the offer is still on the table, if it ever becomes too much. We’ll make sure you are baptized on the way to your final resting place,” the creature finally replied.

Lucas didn’t look as it slithered out the window.

-----------------------

Mom was sick, she could barely get off the couch most days and Lucas was fairly sure she’d stopped trying. Lucas made his way over to her with the scrambled eggs, toast, and orange juice he’d put together. He was good at using the stove and hardly ever burned himself.

Mom glared at him as he handed her the tray, her gaze was distant and full of hate and disgust. Lucas tilted his head down, hoping maybe if she didn’t have to see his face as clearly she wouldn’t be as upset about it.

“You’re a curse Lucas,” she hissed as she stabbed the eggs too hard. “This is all your fault. None of this shit happened untill you were born.”

“I’m sorry mom,” Lucas told her as he worried the hem of his shirt.

That only seemed to make Mom more upset, “You’re sorry? You’re sorry?! What the hell does sorry do for me, huh? Will you being sorry make the monsters leave me alone?!”

“No,” Lucas wilted further.

“Then what use are you? Huh! Tell me what use you are!” Mom raged at him.

“I’m not,” Lucas stared at the ground, “I-”

“Get out of my face you god damn brat,” she hissed at him as she turned her attention back to her food.

Lucas quickly padded away from his mom and up the staircase, muttering to himself over and over “ ‘This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles.’ Psalm 34:6.”

God did not hear him. God did not save him from his troubles.

Maybe God wasn’t real, or maybe Mom was right, and God had damned him after all.

-----------------

When Lucas walked down the stairs, ready to make Mom her breakfast, only to find her dead on the couch, he couldn’t even manage to find it in himself to be surprised. He didn’t know how she died, probably the illness, but at least her face looked peaceful.

She likely didn’t feel any pain, and that was something Lucas could feel grateful for.

“She’s in heaven now,” the same creature from before spoke from where it sat in the sliding glass doorway next to the couch with Mom’s body on it.

“If it exists,” Lucas agreed.

“Don’t you want to join her?” the creature asked.

“Yes.”

“Then come with me,” the creature extended one of its tentacles with its deformed and boneless hands at the end. “We can reunite you with your mother Lucas.”

Lucas looked at his mother’s peaceful face and shook his head, “If I go with you, I’ll never see her again.”

The creature sighed, “Then we’ll give you more time then. But don’t wait too long Lucas, starvation is an awful way to go.”

Lucas kept his eyes on his mother as the creature once more slithered out of his home. She was gone. Mom was dead and gone and maybe in heaven with God, if they existed. It was a nice thought, that there was a Heaven and a God that would make sure to deliver him from his troubles, that would ensure everything would be okay at the end. But Lucas wasn’t sure of anything, how could he be? He didn’t understand anything, not really.

There was only thing he was sure of, and that's that he couldn’t just leave Mom here, she deserved better than rotting on the couch.

It took the better part of an hour to find and drag the shovel from the rickety shed in the backyard and then use it to start digging the hole. Lucas was pretty sure he heard that graves needed to be six feet deep, but he wasn’t exactly sure how deep it was. He didn’t have a ruler, and he wasn’t sure where to find one, so he decided to just dig the hole a little deeper than he was tall.

It took hours as the sun crept along the sky and soon to be grave dirt coated his clothes and skin. The monsters didn’t help or hinder, just silently watched him from behind the trees and even one was perched on the roof, staring down at him. He ignored them, the shovel was too heavy to use as a weapon and there were a lot of them.

Lucas huffed and gasped and grunted and recited bible verses under his breath as he dug. It was exhausting, and by the end he was about ready to collapse from exertion as he sat at the edge of the shoddy grave, his feet dangling into the hole.

He liad back for a moment, catching his breath and staring absently into the bright blue sky, watching as puffy white clouds drifted by aimlessly. It felt weird. His mom was dead, and yet it was nice outside. Nice puffy clouds and bright blue sky, he’d seen the same clouds in those paintings with happy people at the beach or on a picnic or kissing in big dresses.

Today wasn’t a happy day, didn’t the world know his mom was dead?

Lucas didn’t understand anything, he knew it was probably because he was a very very stupid boy, but it didn’t change anything.

His legs were dangling in his mom’s grave and the world was happily chirping along. Maybe if he had gone with the monsters mom would be alive right now. But she isn’t. She’s dead, and there's no bringing her back.

Lucas wouldn’t want to even if he could.

He sat back up, there was nothing to do but sit back up really, and he carefully made his way back inside. He hesitated at the doorway, he was a mess, covered in dirt and roots and sweat. Mom would be upset if he made the house all messy.

Right. Mom’s dead.

He took his shoes off anyway.

As carefully as he could he pulled his mom off the couch and gasped as she tumbled to the floor in a heap. He winced as his hand fluttered about and a low whine escaped his throat.

“Ah, s-sorry mom, I just need to get you to your grave,” he fretted as he grabbed her arm and started to pull.

He was weak, but mom had wasted away long before she’d died. It took a long, long time of heaving and pulling and moving only tiny little bits, but he finally managed to pull her out of the house and to her final resting place.

He wished he was big and strong, he wished he could lower her into her grave properly, but all he could really manage was bracing his legs against the ground and pushing her with all his might until she rolled into the dirt hole he’d dug for her.

It was clumsy and far less than she deserved and Lucas knew he was a bad son for doing it and so many more things, but it was all he could offer her now.

Lucas stood on shaking legs at his mother’s corpse laid in the dirt. Lucas sucked in a breath and tried to stay strong, tried to be strong, tried to me anything beside the weak, useless thing he was. But as tears began to roll down his cheeks, too many and too large for him to wipe away he couldn’t help but cry out for his mother.

“Mom, I’m s-sorry,” Lucas wept, “I’m sorry I was bad, that I couldn’t be better. I tried, I really did! I know it’s not… I know it doesn't matter because it didn’t work, because I was still bad, but I love you. I love you so much and I hope you’re happy in heaven.”

Lucas ran inside and knew he was failing his mom once more by failing to properly put her to rest.

-------------------

The pale squid monster was right, starvation was really awful.

It had been around a month now since mom had died, her body laid properly to rest with a shabby bundle of tied sticks marking her grave. It was less than she deserved but Lucas didn’t know how to make a proper grave stone and he was too tired and weak to grab a big rock.

Everything hurt.

It hurt when he moved, it still hurt when he lied down and kept still. He’s been trying to ration his food out, that's what the people on TV did when they went camping. This was kinda like camping, right? Just instead of a tent he had the cabin and instead of a few days it was a few weeks.

It would be okay. He’d figure something out.

Anything less was suicide.

He knew the way back to town. Well, sort of. He knew the road that led away from the cabin would eventually lead him back to town since it was just the one road and there weren’t any splits or anything like that. So if he followed the road he’d get back to town.

That was something he figured out almost immediately, what he was stuck on was how he was going to actually get there.

He couldn’t drive and he couldn’t call anyone to come get him, mom had broken the spinny phone throwing it at a monster and the plastic had broken apart. That left walking which… Lucas really didn’t want to do.

The monsters had been surprisingly idle for the past month. Squid came by every day to ask if Lucas was ready to come with it yet, and everyday Lucas refused. Lucas didn’t really understand much but, if he was smarter, he might have said the thing was starting to look nervous, or at least an imitation of it.

Lucas could only guess that meant he was going to starve to death soon, but Lucas wasn’t sure why that made the squid nervous since it wanted him dead anyway, so what does the method or place matter?

Then again, Lucas didn’t really understand much of anything, so he was probably wrong.

But regardless, the monsters hadn’t really bothered him, just leaving him alone to slowly starve to death in peace, or what Lucas could count as peace.

Lucas got the distinct impression that leaving the house and starting along the road would very quickly end that peace however. The monsters’ soulless eyes stared at him from the treeline and Lucas knew that if he came close, they’d snatch him up and take him by force wherever Squid wanted him to go.

But he couldn’t do that, because if he willingly went over to them knowing they’d snatch him up, then it’d be just as bad as if he decided to go with Squid.

He just had… He just had to figure out how to get to town safely. Soon, preferably.

He was… He was really hungry.

----

Lucas watched as the sun finally set over the tops of the trees, the long shadows finally bridging the long gap of the backyard and reaching the back of the cabin. Lucas was nearly out of food, only a sparse few bags of chips and frozen bags of vegetables left, but that wasn’t what Lucas was worried about at the moment.

Squid had looked pleased this morning, smug even, if Lucas was interpreting it’s expressions right. He probably wasn’t, he wasn’t very smart and he didn’t really understand much. Lucas didn’t really understand why it was so pleased.

But then he saw it, and he understood.

What lurked beyond the trees, staring at the house since the late afternoon was by far the largest monster he’d ever seen. It was larger than mom’s van with pure white fur and red eyes that seemed to stare directly into Lucas’ soul even from the distance between them.

Lucas swallowed hard and hid the first time he saw it, making sure he wasn’t in sight of any of the windows as he trembled in terror.

Something about that thing was different to the rest, and that difference sparked the terror Lucas was so sure had long died back into an inferno. This thing wasn’t normal, not even by monster standards, that much was obvious just by looking at it. The way it moved, the way it stared, the way Lucas got the distinct feeling it was waiting patiently for… something.

That thing was smart.

Squid was able to fake being smart pretty well since it could talk, but it wasn’t really, Lucas got the feeling it was just being told what to say by something else. Then again, Lucas didn’t understand much, so he was probably wrong.

But the large White creature, with its wolf-like face and large clawed front arms, that thing Lucas knew deep down in his soul was actually smart, much smarter than he was.

It was going to take him away, and with its size Lucas would be powerless to stop it.

But he had to try, anything less would be suicide.

So as the shadows finally touched the house he retrieved his final defense from the kitchen cabinet.

Mom, when she was still mom, always wanted him not to play with fire. Fire was dangerous and could burn you badly, even kill you. Lucas had always kept her words in mind, he always kept everything his real mom told him in mind, and had been very careful with fire and the stove. He wanted to be a good son.

Now, he was going to be a very bad son.

He reached into the cabinet and pulled out the gasoline canister and match book he’d left in there when he’d found it two weeks ago. He wasn’t sure how well fire would do against that thing, but it was covered in fur, so Lucas figured it would at least slow the creature down, hopefully long enough for Lucas to escape.

If not, then, at least he tried.

Lucas peaked out the sliding glass door, making sure to hold the canister and matches out of sight of the glass.

The thing was walking across the backyard.

Lucas felt his heart pound in his chest as he practically jumped out of view. It was show time it seemed. Lucas backed away from the door, his eyes locked on the glass as he fumbled with the canister lid. He’d pour the gasoline on the carpet between them, then set it on fire, then he’d use the fire as a distraction and he’d climb out the kitchen window behind him.

He could- He could do this.

Lucas tensed as a large shadow loomed from behind the glassdoor and Lucas prepared himself for the glass to shatter. He’d need to be quick, the thing probably wasn’t very fast, but neither was Lucas.

But then, to Lucas' shock and mild horror, the glass door began to smoothly slide open as the creature used one massive claw to open the door. Lucas froze in shock as the large clawed hand, covered in white fur with four fingers and a thumb gingerly pressed down into the carpet before it, the creature's head following quickly after.

Surprise and confusion locked Lucas’ body in place as the figure’s form seemed to almost bend and contort in a way that looked almost natural as it shrunk in order to fit through the door, comfortably fitting in Lucas’ living room even as it towered over him. But what most confused Lucas and stopped him from acting was the expression on the things’ face.

Lucas imagined that the thing would be snarling and growling at him, or maybe smiling and cackling as it tormented Lucas and prevented his escape. But no, the thing’s face seemed completely calm, even neutral as its bright crimson eyes stared at Lucas, cold and calculating.

Lucas gripped his canister tighter as he shakily lifted it up in front of him, “D-Don’t move.”

The creature stopped moving, silently staring down at him, frozen in place as it sat in front of him.

Lucas trembled, “I… I’m going to, ah, I’m going to leave now. Don’t… Don’t follow me, or, or I’ll set you on fire!”

“That’s a good idea,” the creature hummed and Lucas felt his mind catch alight. The creature’s mouth didn’t move as it spoke, and yet he could hear the thing’s unnaturally deep voice echoing off the walls of his mind. Lucas felt his breath catch in his throat at the sound.

“The fire, that is,” it continued, “Fire is usually a safe bet for trying to kill something you don’t understand, it certainly helped out all the humans the first time.”

“The… first time?” Lucas asked.

The monster lifted its massive hand and waved it dismissively, “Don’t worry about it kid.”

“I- I said don’t move!” Lucas thrust the canister in front of him. The creature looked down at him, its eyebrows lifting in surprise for a second, before a smile tugged at its jaw, its massive hand hanging limply, frozen, in the air.

“You did, didn’t you, sorry about that,” the creature hummed, though Lucas felt like it didn’t sound very sorry.

“I’ll do it!” Lucas told him.

“Can you?” the creature tilted its head.

“Yes!”

The creature leaned for just a little, “Are you extremely sure you can manage it at this point?”

“I-” Lucas opened his mouth to insist that, yes, he could! And he would! But he was immediately cut off by a burst of movement to his right.

Faster than Lucas could even blink, the creature raised its left hand and brought it down on the couch next to Lucas, smashing it to pieces in an instant. Lucas gasped and cowered as wood and fabric and stuffing erupted from right next to him. His breath caught in his throat as he lifted his arms on instinct to try and protect his face and neck, gasoline splashing on the carpet, himself and a bit on the match box he held in his other hand.

He tensed, waiting for the pain of the impact, but it never came. He cracked open his eyes and looked to the couch, only to see a wall of pure white. His eyes looked back up to the creature and he saw that, while the creature had smashed the couch with his left hand, he’d put his left between Lucas and the destruction to shield him.

Lucas stared at the thing and its smiling face, his heart jack-rabbiting in his chest.

“You see,” the creature sighed as he gingerly brought his hands back down in front of him, resting all four limbs where before he’d been standing on his hind legs, its paws balancing it. “The smart part of your plan was the fire,” it continued.

“Fire actually would give me some trouble, not enough to really harm me in any meaningful way, but it would buy you a few seconds. Buuuut, you should have poured the gas while I was walking across the lawn, that way all you needed to do was light it when I got there. Pouring the gas takes way too long to do it when I’m this close. Tough luck kiddo.”

“A- Ah,” Lucas wilted.

“Now, gimmie the matches kid, you’ve got gas all over them, if you light them now you’ll just set yourself on fire. Which I assume isn’t something you want to do,” the creature hummed as it gingerly lifted its massive hand and reached for the match book.

“No!” Lucas shouted.

The creature stopped, then tilted its head and raised an eyebrow, “No?”

“I’m not-!” Lucas stared up at the thing, “I won’t just let you kill me, or take me, or whatever!”

He dropped the canister and took one of the matches from the book. The creature tensed as gasoline spilled across the floor around them, the liquid rapidly draining from the canister.

“So I’ll get a bit burnt!” Lucas gritted his teeth, “That’s okay, I doubt I’d ever manage to get away from you unscathed anyway. But you’ll get burnt too! I’ll run away and put the fire out, then I’ll keep running until it’s all over. I won’t go willingly!”

The creature stared down at him, tense and wide-eyed. Then a low grumble began to emanate from its chest. Lucas tensed, anticipating the rumble to grow into a growl, ready to light and drop the match and run as the creature finally lost its patience and snapped him up in its jaws.

But, much to Lucas’ surprise the creature burst out in loud, explosive laughter. The creature lifted its hand to its face as tears leaked down its face and its laughter echoed off the walls inside Lucas’ mind and the very real walls of the cabin.

“I’m really starting to like you kid,” the monster laughed, “that bull-headed desire to live you have is actually quite endearing, it’s also gonna be very very helpful in what’s to come.”

“W-What’s to come?” Lucas deflated slightly as confusion once more took over.

“This is just the beginning kiddo, now, stay put for a second, I’ve got something I need to do,” the creature grinned down at Lucas, its eyes twinkling.

“Does…” Lucas swallowed hard, “Are you not going to kill me?”

The creature chuckled, “No Lucas, I’m not going to kill you, or take you away. Well, actually I am going to do that, but not to where the others want you to go.”

“Then where-”

“Shhh,” the creature hushed him as it brought a massive claw to Lucas’ lips, its talon the length of his face pressing gently against him. “Just hang tight for a minute for me.”

Lucas blinked in confusion and surprise at the creature then plucked the matchbook from his limp fingers and turned to the door, “I’ll just be a moment.”

Then, it barrelled outside, the force of its movement pushing Lucas the wet carpet, more gasoline soaking into his pants and covering his hands. Lucas wrinkled his nose as the fumes intensified and his eyes watered at the horrible smell.

He stood on wobbly legs, gas fumes, confusion, hunger, and retreating adrenaline causing his mind to grow fuzzy and disconnected. He carefully made his way to the stairs and gripped the handrail tightly as he stumbled his way up the stairs.

The monster told him to stay put, but Lucas assumed that meant to stay inside the cabin and opposed to standing right where he was before. Then again, he could be wrong and the creature would change its mind and gut him when it came back.

Lucas looked back down the stairs. Well, too late now.

He continued into his room and quickly changed his shirt and pants, throwing the gasoline soaked clothes into the tub and he then started scrubbing his hands in the sink until the awful smell went away.

As he left the bathroom, feeling a little better, he spotted the chocolate bar he’d left on his bedside table for a special occasion. Well, he figured this was as special an occasion as any. He crawled up onto his bed and crossed his legs as he unwrapped the chocolate bar and took a bite.

It was good, really really good, much better than anything he’d had in a long long time, and Lucas wasn’t sure if that taste was due to just the chocolate itself, or the fact that he’d just survived something that should have been impossible. Still, just the taste of it made Lucas feel so much better as he slumped against the wall.

“Oh, you’ve got some candy,” the creature’s voice erupted in his mind, causing Lucas’s eyes to shoot to the door, only to find it empty. Then he heard the window begin to slide open. He turned to stare at the window and found the massive creature carefully sliding it open, then once more shrinking to get inside.

Lucas was hypnotized, watching the creature shrink down to just larger than his mom had been, then grow to a hulking size that left its head resting against the ceiling. The transformations took a few seconds from one size to the next, but just the fact it was able to do it at all mesmerized Lucas.

That and the fact that its fur had turned from a pure white to a deep crimson red, stained in blood.

Lucas gulped.

“Alright, now that all the idiots are dead, we can discuss a bit more what’s going to happen now,” the creature announced.

“The… idiots?” Lucas asked.

The monster once more waved its massive hand dismissively, “all those other monsters hanging out by the treeline, waiting for me to get down with the dirty work they were unable to complete. Though at this point that’s more on you then on them really…”

“I’m sorry?” Lucas asked, unsure if he should apologize or not.

The creature chuckled and shook its head, “Don’t apologize for not wanting to die, kid. You see, their job was to convince you to let them kill you, it’s a whole thing. Anyway, they failed miserably at that because you’re a little fighter, ain’t ya?” the creature grinned as it brought down the heel of its massive hand and rubbed the top of Lucas’ head, messing up his hair and staining it with blood.

“I guess?” Lucas frowned, looking up at the monster.

“That's a good thing, by the way. A very very good thing, because now, our mission is to keep you alive, and your obstinate refusal to die is going to be a major asset to this cause since they can’t kill you unless you want to die.”

“O-obstinate?” Lucas asked, dozens of questions rolling around in his head.

”It means you’re very stubborn,” the monster clarified.

Lucas nodded slowly, “I… I’m not very smart-”

“Yes you are,” the creature cut him off. “You’re ignorant, sure, but that’s not the same as unintelligent. Ignorance you can fix, stupidity you can’t.”

“I…” Lucas wasn’t sure he quite believed that. Mom and the monsters had always told him he was stupid, and they couldn’t all be wrong. “Still, I don’t understand… anything.”

“That’s alright,” the creature reassured him, “there will be more time to talk about this later, for now all you need to know is that you don’t want to die, and I don’t want you to die either, so I’m going to help you. Now, don’t be mistaken, I do find you quite endearing, but I’m doing this for purely selfish reasons, understand?”

“I think so?” Lucas nodded, “We both want me to live because its good for us if I’m alive?”

“Exactly,” the creature messed up his hair some more despite Lucas trying to dodge out of the way, “I told you you were smart. Now, I’m going to hop inside your mind now.”

“W-What?!” Lucas exclaimed as his back hit the wall, instinctively trying to get away from the monster.

“Yes,” the thing nodded, “You see, despite my hulking appearance, I’m actually quite sly. The main thing I can actually do, aside from kick ass and adjust my appearance to an extent, is that I’m able to possess people. That’s actually the reason they asked me to come talk to you in the first place. I’m very good at possessing people and then psychologically, emotionally, and physically torturing them. They figured if I worked my magic on you, you’d crack like an egg.”

“I don’t understand,” Lucas leaned a bit further away, “What’s torture? And I don’t know what psyc- physco-” Lucas scowled as he tried to pronounce the word.

“Psychological,” the creature supplied, “it refers to a person's state of mind. Kinda like how emotional relates to someone's emotions and physical is someone’s body. As for torture, it means making someone feel pain.”

“So you were sent here to hurt me,” Lucas nodded to himself.

The creature smiled, “But you already knew that. See? Smart. You didn’t know the specifics, but you understood the general situation and came up with a plan to try and get out of it. What a cute, smart little boy you are,” the monster cooed as it continued to mess up his hair.

“But you’re not going to, right?” Lucas asked.

“Nope.”

Lucas then scowled, “But you said you were going to possess me, that’s torturing me.”

The creature blinked at him as Lucas’ words processed in his mind, then he grinned and began to laugh once more, “Ah! I see where the- No no, possessing you won’t hurt you kid. I can hurt you once I’m inside your head, but I don’t, like, have to.”

“Oh…”

The creature nodded, “Once I’m inside your head, I can help you get away from the monsters, okay?”

Lucas looked at it warily, “...and you promise not to hurt me?”

“Cross my heart,” the creature made an X-motion over his chest.

Lucas swallowed hard as he looked down at the chocolate bar in his hand. This could be a really really bad idea. He could let this creature in and it could do all number of terrible things to him, it could rip him to pieces from the inside out and Lucas would be helpless to stop it. Yet, it could also be his one chance at escape, his one hope of salvation in this god-forsaken place.

Maybe, just maybe, he could live.

Lucas looked back up at the creature’s shining white and red fur and muttered under his breath, “‘And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not,’ John 1:5.”

“What was that?” the creature asked.

“The Bible,” Lucas replied. “And, okay. Do it.”

The creature tilted his head, regarding him for a moment before it smiled. “Lay back for me, would you, and close your eyes.”

Lucas tentatively laid back and after a moment of staring at the pale wolf covered in blood looming over him, he closed his eyes.

This wasn’t suicide, he decided. It was hope.

---------------------

When Lucas woke up, he wasn’t in bed. Instead he woke up in a dark gray void, seemingly devoid of all life. He looked around and found nothing, just the dark gray dusted ground and the slightly lighter gray featureless sky.

“Ah,” Lucas deflated, “I’m in hell.”

“Not quite kiddo,” a familiar voice announced from behind him.

Lucas spun around to face the creature, only to find its voice wasn’t the only thing about that that had changed. Now, instead of its voice echoing around in his mind with an inhuman rumbling depth to it, it sounded much more like a regular human man’s voice.

It also looked human to.

The monster stared down at where he sat, looking almost indistinguishable from a regular human. It stood above him with the pale, almost pure white skin and white hair so light it seemed to glow hanging messily just over his shoulders. His eyes were the same glowing crimson and his teeth were sharp when he smiled. He didn’t look like anyone Lucas had ever seen before, though he’d not really met many people, but Lucas was fairly sure he’d seen people that looked like the creature on TV, smiling and laughing with other beautiful people.

“Though,” he continued, “I will grant you the comparison, I mean, wow kid, this is hands down the most depressing mind I’ve ever been in. Can’t you, like, imagine some flowers or something?”

Their surroundings remained stagnant.

The monster sighed, “Ah well, not quite sure what I expected really.”

“So,” Lucas looked around, “We’re inside my head?”

“I mean, technically you’ve always been in here kiddo, I’m just hitching a ride” the monster crouched down and ruffled his hair again, now with his new human hand. Lucas scowled as he swatted it away, nearly cutting himself on the monster’s long and very sharp nails.

“Ooooooh, testy testy,” the creature laughed as it continued to try and pet Lucas’ hair.

“Why do you look like a person?” Lucas asked as he continued to battle the monster’s hands for rights over his head.

“Figured it would make you more comfortable, which it has so I was right,” the creature finally relented, rolling back and sitting cross-legged in front of him.

Lucas scowled, but couldn’t argue. It was easier talking to the thing when it looked like a person as opposed to the giant hulking creature. He was still intimidating looking with his red eyes, muscular body and sharp white nails, but less so.

“So, I’m asleep?” Lucas asked.

“Bingo again,” the monster grinned, “Your body is very weak, but we can fix that.”

“And we’re going to be… together for a while?” Lucas asked.

“At least two years,” the monster hummed, “We’ll see what happens after that.”

“Okay,” Lucas nodded, not sure why he specified two years, “So, um, what should I call you then?”

The monster gave him a huge grin, his eyes twinkling mischievously, “You could try my name.”

“You have a name?”

“Wow!” The creature put a hand to his chest, “That’s very rude! Yes I have a name you twerp.”

“Twerp?”

“It means you’re a little brat,” the monster laughed. “But for your information, my name is Æthane.”

“Æthane?” Lucas asked.

“Sure is, but I suppose as I’ll be looking after you from now on you can just call me your new daddy,” Æthane smirked.

Lucas wasn’t sure what face he made but it must have been amusing because Æthane almost immediately tilted his head back in howling laughter.

“You’re too much kiddo I swear,” he grinned, “Something tells me we’re gonna get along just fine for the duration of our time together.”

Lucas really hoped so.

Not like he had a choice.

[lydsnotfound]

50k + Miraculous Fic Recs,

No one will see this but honestly I might come back and look at it myself 🥱 Anywho let’s get into it. These are all on Ao3!

Cut My Life Into Pieces, This Is My Last Resort: By Silver_fox_fyre

Marinette has reached the end of her tether. Hawkmoth is running her ragged as Ladybug, and after three years Lila has finally managed to make good on her promise to ruin her life and leave her all alone. Desperate and exhausted, Marinette finally decides to take drastic measures; something’s gotta give, and that something can’t be Ladybug. She decides to take her civilian self out of the equation for a while, but a terrible sleep-deprived decision forces her to put things into motion way before she’s ready. Now she has to try and stick to her guns, despite the devastation she’s left in her wake…which for some reason seems to have hit Adrien and Chat Noir the hardest.

114k words, 34 chapters, Complete, Rated M,

Warnings: Suicidal themes, Major Character death (dw it will all make sense) graphic descriptions of violence, depressive themes.

This is a bit of a heavy hitter, super big on angst with a happy ending, but good if this is what you’re into. Please read warnings and feel free to skip if not for you!

The Consequences of Our Love: by Faelynwythe

After 7 long years of protecting Paris alone, Marinette learns that her partner has finally returned - and has shown up unexpectedly at her window with a proposition too tempting to deny. When Chat’s promised “Night of No Consequences” leaves Marinette alone and pregnant, she’s faced with a choice between honoring her role as Guardian and living the life she’s always wanted but never dreamed of having. Chat Noir is determined to protect his newfound family, but Marinette spurns his help, forcing him to watch over her as Adrien.

As the promise of a baby forces both of them to reexamine their lives, Marinette and Adrien fall closer and closer together, even as past trauma, dangerous secrets, hardfast beliefs about identity, and a new, powerful enemy threatens to break them apart.

111k words, 29 chapters, complete, rated M

Warning: nothing much other than sexual content and, yeah it a pregnancy au, so if you hate that go ahead a skip!

A Masked Game: by A_Mystical_Wonderland and Mystic_Raven20

For almost ten years Paris has been peaceful. No villains. No heroes. No hate. But, as always, peace never lasts forever and as a new threat takes over the city of love, there’s a change in the game where this time death is permanent.

Adrien has been living full of hope after the worst years of his life. He’s free. He’s settled. But most importantly, he’s in love. After years of trying to find his calling everything came together the day he married his wife, or so he thought.

Marinette still craved the companionship of her partner. It had been a decade since she’d seen him; the dull ache in her heart constantly asking what had happened to him. If only she had the opportunity to speak to him one more time.

The chance for a reconnection appears when Paris’ heroes are needed again and as feelings begin to resurface so does the hate, love and lies.

Ladybug and Chat Noir will need to find a new dynamic to make this work, saving not only their friends but also themselves, leaving Adrien and Marinette to risk everything in a need to survive.

112k words, 34 chapters, complete, rated M

Warnings: graphic descriptions of violence, minor character death, murder and such, heavy angst.

Y’all this one is so good i was literally on the edge of my seat for the whole damn thing. Like this is a full fledged murder mystery.

Baby Boom: by ShawnaCanon

Hawk Moth makes another poor akumatization decision, giving a supervillain the power to force others to make babies. He doesn’t expect it to affect himself or his son—but it does.

Things between Marinette and Adrien get incredibly awkward after The Incident, but at least they’re not alone. Half their class is in the same boat.

And just when everyone starts to be able to move on from that, they discover the ‘baby-making’ thing wasn’t just a euphemism. Babies are on the way. No one’s ready for it, but it’s happening, and they’re all gonna do their best to deal with it.

Will this be the thing that finally gets Adrien to fall in love with Marinette? Or will Cat Noir’s insistence that he loves Ladybug and doesn’t care if she’s having some other guy’s baby be enough to win her over?

401k (Damn) words, 129 chapters, complete, rated T.

Warnings: r*pe/non-con, underage, teen pregnancy.

I promise it’s not what you think, it’s actually a very clean (well as clean as it can be) story. Def not your average pregnancy au. Worth a read if you have time for 400 thousand words! The first tag is necessary but the fic is not explicit.

A Beautiful Mistake: by Maerynn

One single digit can change many things. Utterly pissed off at Alya one very early morning, Marinette misdials her best friend's number and ends up telling off an unsuspecting stranger, who is, unknown to her, none other than her high school crush. From there, Adrien and Marinette grow closer on both sides of the screen through anonymous texting as they also reunite years after graduating through work. Marinette has to face a painful scar of her past in order to move forward with her heart, but luckily for her, Adrien might be the one able to help her heal.

(AU with no miraculous or magic whatsoever)

73k, 34 chapters, complete, Rated T.

Warnings: r*pe/non-con (non explicit!)

This really is such a good fic, it’s like a hybrid texting au/ strangers to friends type thing. The warning are from past experiences, nothing takes place in the present tense.

The Ladybugs and the Bees: by BullySquadess

AKA the early-fandom Ladynoir puberty fic that spiraled waaaaay out of proportion.

177k words, 41 chapters, kinda complicated(like an ambiguous ending), Rated M.

Warnings: it’s pretty spicy, nothing like super detailed or like full scene but… spicy. Very coming of age/puberty vibes.

If you somehow have never come across this, which is wild because it seems everyone has, give it a read it’s very funny.

If I Let Myself Love You: by UpTooLateArt

It’s hard to be a normal girl with a normal life when your mother has terminal cancer. And when fashion model Adrien Agreste moves back to Paris and wants to be Marinette’s friend – or maybe even more – her life is turned upside down again.

How can she risk opening her heart to love when her whole world is falling apart? Especially when Adrien is hiding a dark secret of his own….

95k words, 34 chapters, complete, rated T.

Warnings: character death, angst and such, hurt/comfort, grief/mourning.

The plot twist is craaaazzzy…

Okay, this is the last one for not, but I am breaking my own rules and giving you an under 50k rec, but not by much…

I (Wish I) Knew You: by tumblers very own Buggachat.

University has been hard on Marinette. Making new friends and maintaining her grades is a lot easier said than done when she has to disappear at odd times to fight akumas. She's struggling, and with Alya away with family and Adrien painfully out of reach, she's never felt lonelier.

If only she could talk to someone who really understood her struggles... but it's not like Chat Noir would know anything about loneliness. Right?

49k words, 10 chapters, complete, rated T.

I love this fic a little to much, it satisfies my LadyNoir cravings. This is also comedy gold<333

Anywho, this concludes my most recent long fic recs, if you have one please leave it in a note for me, I’m scavenging for more fics to read

[shadowed-dancer]

Thoughts on Episode 118 (S6 E5)

Cool capes, BBQed birds, and devastating destruction. Let’s talk about it

Spoilers for the episode, as well as some very light spoilers for the manga. I'll put them at the end an label them though so people can stop reading

0/10 rating, they cut my beloved Wash. Unacceptable. Truly the worst and most egregious change the anime has ever made in the history of all 6 seasons. Unknown if it will ever recover

(Real talk I kind of understand. They made a point of saying everyone was evacuated, so showing that would have just been confusing. Good on them for catching little details like that)

Aside from that, this episode was really good! The animation was so pretty in this one (it’s been great all season so far but this one in particular was really nice.)

Regarding pacing, I was surprised to find this episode only adapted 2.5 chapters (I forgot that panel of Shigaraki on the phone wasn't how the chapter ended lol). Despite this entire season having a fair bit of filler per episode (especially with the jumps to that observation room) I've found the filler to be pretty non-offensive. This episode is the same, it felt like it moved at a healthy pace. Plus, all the episodes end on great moments, so that's a wonderful and effective use of filler content!

rip X-Less, you existed for the sole purpose of Tomura getting a kick-ass cape. A noble mission. His fans solute you

That scene where Mirko stands up while Endeavor protects her... why was it so smooth? Was that just me? Like those 3 seconds looked better than most of MVA lol

Random: but the noise Komori makes when Fat Gum kicks the kids out is so cute

Yay! Geten got a proper face reveal!

”Everyone believes you did the right thing!” Tokoyami has clearly never had to read the discourse that happened when that chapter came out

I wish they had put a little more focus on Crust’s death and how he specifically saved Aizawa. It’s fine as is, but I feel like they could have made the impact bigger. Hori had the talent of making people mourn him (a very minor character) and I wish that energy had stuck around

The crosswalk thing right before the destruction was so awesome. I got chills lol

I know there was a little rearranging this episode (showing the lab before showing Dabi, Deku's inner voice warning originally being somewhere else) but I think everything worked well. Again, it's an instance of how some changes can work better for their respective mediums

Despite the unforgivable lack of Wash, the scenes of the heroes reacting to decay was so well done. I’m a sucker for what I call “chaos scenes” (meaning any scene where characters are in a state of panic while chaos unfurls around them) and that was definitely a good one. Burnin screaming on the phone, the kids panicking compared to how mundane everything had been, Todoroki rushing in to save Deku, it’s all so good

Manga Spoilers

Regarding next week, I sincerely hope they add that one “bonus scene” from the volume extras (the one where Compress activates dad mode)

Seeing Tokoyami’s reaction to Hawks killing Twice lowkey irked me because it hasn’t been brought up since. I understand him wanting to be kind when he thinks Hawks might literally die in his arms, but we have NEVER returned to Tokoyami expressing his thoughts about this situation. Seeing it again just made me remember “Hmm, yeah that goes no where”. Maybe one day the manga will talk about it

[damselofblueroses]

Bambi, Ch. 2, Ghost

You are my Bambi, girl, I am your candy, tell me what are you waiting for?

Summary: As an archaeologist who works on the Ancient Greece, you were on the verge of excavations’ session. While you have been preparing your team, you learned that your institute decided on your team has to work with another team as they wanted the outcome as a collaboration. The head of other team was your biggest rival, a scumbag in your eyes: Byun Baekhyun.

You two were supposed to work together for three months, in a Greek Island, Chios.

Could you manage to not kill Byun Baekhyun for three months?

Chapter Summary: Byun Baekhyun and the Reader remember the day they spent in UN Village together while they are heading to Chios. (Guys, this chapter, which is dedicated to the beginning of their relationship, is going to be two parts, otherwise it is going to be more than 20k lol)

Word Count: 11k

Content: AU, heavily Greek mythology, enemies to lovers.

Warnings: Well, the story contains NSFW/Smut, please minors do not continue.

Note: This story will be 7 or 8 chapters if I will not change my mind in the meantime. It is inspired by my major; however, I do not have a complete knowledge on archaeology, I am a historian. If I will make a technical mistake, please let me know. I am willing to receive any kind of feedback; you are more than welcomed to drop a message.

Series Masterlist

Chapter 2: Ghost

5 years ago, Hannam-dong

Even if I want you so much it drives me crazy

You ghost

Even if I want and call for you all night long

You came to me and left without a word

You ghost, you ghost

You want to go crazy all night, you plead

You ghost

You disappeared again without a trace

“What type of sadistic and sick person could say that we have to work here?” you cursed between your teeth, you jaw clenched because of pure anger. “How do they expect us to do our job in the middle of fucking super-ultra-rich people?”

“Get used to it.” Junmyeon flinched your forehead, but his frustration was oblivious, even though he was doing definitely better than you. “Where is Baekhyun?”

“I do not know.” you recklessly pointed to the expensive cars on the road. “Maybe he was looking for a sugar mommy.”

“As your sunbae,” Minseok hit you. “I would like to remind you to hold on your manners.”

“Someone has to give a speech on manners to him.” your eyebrows knitted together. “Not to me.”

“Both of you,” Kyungsoo nonchalantly spoke. “need a really good beaten session, since both of you have no idea on how to behave.”

You threw the book you were holding to Kyungsoo, but he was too quick and easily saved himself from your unexpected attack.

“I am here, right?” you hissed. “Where the heck is that bastard? He always disappears when it comes to work, why do you hold me in the same esteem with him?”

“Because you are definitely a copy of Baekhyun.” Chanyeol laughed at your god-fucking-damn-it-so-horrible face expression. “Let’s face with the fact, Indy. Everyone knows that Baekhyun is a disciplined student, just as you are, badmouthed, just as you are.”

“Are you talking about me?” Baekhyun popped out of nowhere. “I heard you are praising me less than the way I deserve.”

Your face could be described as disgusted, but this would be the kindest way of telling how your appearance was. Actually, you wanted to punch his narcissistic self-perspective, to shake his cage in order to give him the lesson he deserved, but you did not want to be scolded by Junmyeon again. You just walked away from him, needing to put a safe distance between yourself and Baekhyun.

God, if you could run away to space, you would do it in order to not infuse with the same air with Baekhyun.

You disliked him, you disliked the way of his well-being, you disliked his velvety voice, his lame jokes, his sharp remarks, you disliked everything about Byun Baekhyun.

And you hated yourself because of finding him very handsome. Sometimes, you caught yourself, staring at Baekhyun, forgetting how to breath properly. His face was like a gift of God himself; his body ratio made you to say oh-my-fucking-god.

Thank God, he had the most annoying character, because if he had a good personality, you knew that you would fall in love over the heels with him.

“What kind of idiot chained us here?” Baekhyun asked to Junmyeon. “Fuck’s sake, what the heck we are going to here? Digging beneath the Richie riches’ villas?”

Chanyeol bite his lips before looking at you, silently reminding your own words and his remarks about being very same with Baekhyun. You did not back off, staring at Chanyeol with all frustration went through your veins, causing Chanyeol to laugh. Baekhyun hit his head, then walked towards Junmyeon to take his own tool bag.

You hated him for this, too. He was acting like he was a superior, like he was better than any of you, and what got your nerves badly was no one scold him as they would scold you if you would do the same things.

“Yeah, I am like this scumbag who does not carry even his own stuff, huh?” you literally sizzled between your teeth, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo heard your annoyed voice, but they preferred to keep their silence. Your hate was not a secret for the team, everyone was aware of the fact that putting you and Baekhyun was a dangerous decision since he also loathed you.

But to your dismays, you were the brightest students Sejong could always play on.

“Seriously what we are going to do?” Baekhyun repeated his question because he really did not have a single clue.

“Didn’t you read the mail Sejong sent us?” Jongdae asked him, raising one eyebrow. Baekhyun shrugged his shoulder, you bit your lower lip in order keep your frustration under your control. What a bastard!

“We have to visit UN Village, there are seven neighbourhood where we have to go and collect the permissions of the residents.” Junmyeon run his hand through his hair. He was already on the verge of cracking since he was the one who had to deal with a lot of capricious upper-class members in order to complete this fucking task. He wished nothing but changing his path, he started to think like the field was not his cup of tea, but before resigning from leadership, he wanted to find a good candidate who could lead the team.

He wanted you to be that leader. You and Baekhyun. Heretofore, Junmyeon laid his eyes on both of you and your abilities persuaded him to nominate your names when he could propose an election. He did not want to be a fieldperson, he wished to stay in his office, but at the same time, he could not inherit his legacy, Godfuckingdamnit Junmyeon’s did his best in order to engrave his name as one of the most successful captains, to anyone but the best. Yet, Junmyeon had no idea how to put you in good terms, since you were like a cat and dog, and Chanyeol, that giant idiot, used every opportunity to fan the flames, even that silent Kyungsoo enjoyed watching intangible scuffles between you and Baekhyun.

Junmyeon has been sensing that the team was becoming aware of the situation and camping as two different poles. Jongdae, Shinhye and Minseok were setting off closer to you while Chanyeol, Kyungsoo and the newbie, Jongin have been shifting to Baekhyun’s side. Damn, Junmyeon could not let it to be happen. He needed all of you under the same umbrella, especially you and Baekhyun had to stay together. He was seeing a great potential of you, if you could combine your powers, you were going to be the perfect team. Period.

“Let’s split into teams.” his eyes wandered around all of you. “We are eight, if we can divide ourselves into four teams, we will finish the job easier and quicker.”

“Yeah, you are right.” Kyungsoo approved. “I am going to take Chanyeol.”

“Are you my superior, dumbass?” Chanyeol hit his shoulder, but he was laughing. “I am with Kyungsoo.”

“Good.” Junmyeon inhaled. “Shinhye, you are with Jongdae.”

You automatically stirred next to Minseok, however you shuttered after hearing Junmyeon’s next orders.

“Indy, you and Baekhyun are together, Minseok, let’s go.”

“What?!” you immediately stopped and hissed at Junmyeon. “Am I with who?”

Jongdae realized the storm before seeing the clouds, clever as always, he disappeared while dragging Shinhye with him. You even did not notice, but Chanyeol’s smile widened, Kyungsoo smirked, and they rushed to their own direction.

Only four of you were standing on the pavement, you were throwing daggers to Junmyeon with your eyes. Baekhyun was nonchalantly looking at Junmyeon, while Minseok could not find a way to break the tension.

Junmyeon was cool as a cucumber.

“You are with Baekhyun.” he repeated his words, sounding like he was condemning you with execution. “What? Do you have a rejection?”

“Yes!” you exploded without thinking. “Why shou-

“Believe me,” Baekhyun interrupted your words, he was indifferent to your frustration. “I did not beg for being in the same team with you.”

“Did I claim that?” you swiftly turned on your tiptoes. “Did I say you are eager to be with me?”

“It would be the greatest joke you could make.” Baekhyun winked to you. “But you are not so into the entertainment, right?”

“Baekhyun,” Minseok noisily cleared his throat. “I am not sur-

“What do you know about me?” you heard your own voice. “This is why we cannot work together, you always make assumptions out of your ass, instead I work as organized, with the facts and tangible proofs.”

“What do you know about me?” Baekhyun coldly smiled at you, you could not describe its impacts on you, that smile had you wanting to punch him at the same time ignited some fires in your lower stomach. “We barely talk, have you been watching me all the time?”

“You wish.” you took a deep breath. “You are not worth my time.”

“Oh,” his eyes glimmered with a menacing luminescence. “I am deeply wounded.”

“If you are done,” Junmyeon raised his hands to the air. “We have to work.”

“Jun-

“Young lady,” Baekhyun barged on. “They did not teach you this, so it’s up to me but we are not in kindergarten anymore.”

You had to admit, no one could get your nerves till now like Baekhyun did.

You had to admit, you hated being called as a kid. Junmyeon’s eyes blown up when Baekhyun labelled you as a kid, before he could open his mouth, you stared at Baekhyun.

“I can see why we could be a team.” you took the directional instructions from Junmyeon’s hand. “A kindergarten kid has to take care of a cry baby while the adults have to work.”

Baekhyun’s eyebrows furrowed, but you wholly ignored his visible annoyance, and started to walk. Junmyeon was looking at your back with a little bit concerned face, but he knew that he did what he had to do.

You were going to scold Junmyeon in the following hours of the day, however, now your job was teaching a couple of lessons on manners to this scumbag who has been walking beside you.

You spent the first hour in a total silence, talking only if the occasion called for it. The tension between you and Baekhyun was solid, someone could cut it with a knife without any problem. Baekhyun was bored to death, he never plan to have a day like this, he wanted to enjoy everything he did, he thought he could be with Chanyeol or Kyungsoo, having fun to death.

Instead, he was trapped with you.

The only girl he loathed to the bits.

He could not endure to hear your voice, even though you talked with the residents very kindly and respectfully. He had to admit that you were doing a good job, but it did not change anything he felt for you. He had been cursing Junmyeon since he put you two in the same task, however, he knew that if Junmyeon wanted something from Baekhyun, he would do it without question. Baekhyun could be many things, but he was loyal to his friends, and Junmyeon had a special place in his heart.

Also, behind the curtains of his hate, he could see why Junmyeon gave you to him. Although you were an abominable bitch, an obnoxious creature, a walking blasphemy, and a hate crime, Baekhyun did not think you could be an offspring of a lovely or healthy relationship, he was sure your parents were diabolical beasts, to his disappointment, you were reallyclever.

He wished you could be more reliable person, so he could work with you.

Baekhyun did not like to confess, yet he was aware of the fact that he desperately needed his own Evelyn O’Connor. Someone who could play the game with him, as his trustable partner in crime. He was extremely close to Chanyeol and Kyungsoo, but they were not equal to his wits and ambitions. Sometimes he was brassed off the conversations, time to time he found them boring and lame. His logic was faster than his mates, actually he was longing for nothing, but someone was equal to his high-speed brain.

You could be the one he was searching for, but you were made of poison, greed, and wickedness. Even if he would be blessed by the Heavens, he could not agree to work someone with you.

“Your Highness,” he heard your fucking voice. “We have to visit at least twelve houses more; do you mind hurrying up?”

“The only thing I mind is your fucking attitude.” he gritted his teeth. “Give the plan to me.”

“So, you can destroy everything I organized properly?” you smirked. “I do not think so.”

“Organized?” Baekhyun cocked his eyebrow. “Organized, my ass. Didn’t you lose Park Sangwan’s house? Twice?”

“Look who is talking.” the red of embarrassment slightly painted your cheeks and ears. “The one who had no idea about today’s plans.”

“At least I did not lose my fucking way and circled around the same house almost for half an hour.”

“And the award goes to Byun Baekhyun for his greatest achievements.” you gave back the wink to him, grinning like a Cheshire cat. “Oh, breaking news. No achievement no award.”

Baekhyun took it personally since you two competed to each other as the finalists of last academic year. Your project was accepted as the winner while Baekhyun received only a certificate. You hit the lotto, he had to watch you, walking to the stage with a bright smile tugged on your lips.

Still, he could vividly remember the little smirk you gave to him that night when they announced your name.

“You did it consciously.” his jaw clenched. “That night. When they called you as the winner. You immediately turned to me just to annoy me.”

“It seems, I achieve my goal.” your smirk widened, a glistening layer of fun covered your face. “Were you disappointed?”

“Yeah, of course.” he did not miss a single second. “I was disappointed of the professors, I was believing they were cleverer than me, but their choice showed me they were nothing but idiots.”

“Could you smell the air, Baekhyun?” you asked with a serious face. He was confused for a second, you never ask a question to him or call him by his name, but before he could register, you tucked the words in his throat. “Oh, jealousy, my favourite.”

“Darling,” Baekhyun swallowed hard. “There is no single living soul who can be low enough to jealous you in this universe.”

That was not quite truth, because Baekhyun not only remembered your revengeful smile but also how you were looking like that day. He could paint you on canvas by closed eyes, and he would not miss a single detail.

And he was a little bit jealous on that day. Not only because he lost over to you, but also because of the people around you. You annoyed him not only with your award, but also with your closeness to the other men.

Despite of your usual oversize clothes or no makeup policy, you chose to present yourself in a different style. Your hair was perfectly combed, your makeup highlighted your face features, and you were wearing a little light blue dress which tightly caressed your body. Baekhyun, or none of your classmates knew that you had curves for example till that night and to Baekhyun’s dismay, you had a really good body. You were a minion, your beauty was very soft and although he really hated to admit this, you were a view for the spectators. Maybe not the prettiest, but you had something had people looking at you, liking you, desiring you.

You had an aura which was enough to make your biggest enemy to silently acknowledged that you were attractive.

“Maybe, there is no one.” you shrugged your shoulder. “But youwere eager to low yourself, huh?”

You did not forget the look on Baekhyun’s face when Professor Kim called you to the stage. You were sure as fuck, he was cursing you but also there was something else, glowing in his eyes. Something you could not describe, but you could see the same emotion in your reflection when you saw Baekhyun with that crowd of girls.

Rarely.

But still you knew that feeling.

That ceremony was hard for you, of course you were over the moon because of your achievement, that project opened you some fresh opportunities and proved that despite of being a junior, you were more than a bachelor student. You proved your talents and abilities to yourself by winning the first place, you completed a step, made your first goal come true.

And you nailed Byun Baekhyun’s coffin. It was worth of every minute you spent sleepless, your tears and sweats, the hours in library, the hours in front of the plan of Gyeongbokgung Palace and search for the most logical and safest ways of conducting an excavation around the palace.

Your ideas were chosen over Baekhyun’s ideas, and you were aware of the quality of the solutions he proposed.

You were proud of yourself.

It was the bare truth that Baekhyun’s face were singing to you just as your favourite band could sing, seeing his face just like someone fed him with cucumbers was equal to being accepted into your dream field, Chios’ excavations, as the chief archaeologist.

But you were annoyed.

You could not happily taste your success. You could not feel its flavour on your tongue buds.

Because of that bastard looked fucking magnificent in that bloody black suit.

You have been told about the dress code you had to follow, however no one, not a single soul managed to catch his level of looking good in a suit.

You were annoyed because your taste in men was exactly equal to Byun Baekhyun. He had everything you could ask for, he was devilishly charming, there was even no need for words to describe him, he was beautiful.

And he was the only one you hated the most.

Every girl in the room was drooling over him, to your dismay, just like you. You felt that feeling in your stomach, a pain which was spinning, spinning, and spinning, causing a tornado inside of your stomach.

Was it jealousy?

“I already noticed your ignorance about the feelings.” Baekhyun could not control himself anymore and grabbed your shoulder, turning you to the opposite direction. “We have to follow this fucking street, or we will be lost again.”

“Have you been observing me, Baekhyunnie? That’s so cute.” you ignored the second part of his words, just starting to walk on the direction he instructed to you.

“Observing you takes a minute, baby girl, since there is nothing to see.” he answered but he found it interesting when you called him as Baekhyunnie. “You are a spoiled brat.”

“Hop, that hurts.” you pouted, pressed your fist on your chest, faking a whimper. “Would you like to tame this spoiled brat?”

You started to think that you went nuts.

“In your dreams.” Baekhyun laughed, but he literally lost himself in the fucking possibilities you could be tamed by him. “You have to wait a couple of centuries for someone who can be willing to be with you.”

You chuckled but preferred to keep your silence after his words. Damn, your sudden quietude caught Baekhyun’s attention more. Why didn’t you not attack to him? Why didn’t you give him a sharp answer as you should have?

Why you chuckled like there was a line at your door?

Was it?

Baekhyun pondered that instead of the fact that you were generally with a small group of friends, to both of your dismays your common friends, he did not see you with strangers, so there could not a queue for your hand.

Could it be?

And why the fuck he should have care if there is a crowd for you or not? No one could want someone like you if they did not lose their mind.

But he cared. Fuck, he cared more than he wanted.

Because to his disappointment, he knew that there was a real cavalcade of knightly candidates for you.

“Okey,” you checked the time. “After this one, I am going to have lunch.”

“We are going to have lunch.” Baekhyun gritted his teeth. “I hate eating alone enough to endure your presence.”

“Didn’t you tell me there is no one who could want to be with me?” you snickered. “But you have no reservations about having lunch with me?”

“Imagine the situation I am in.” he grumbled. “The day gets better and better.”

You decided to annoy him, pushing him to the edges as much as you could do. The first response that came to your mind refusing him, but the other option was funnier. You could play with Byun Baekhyun, you could take your revenge by being a pain in the ass.

He said that he could endure your presence.

You could make him regretful of his words.

There was a very little smile tugged on your lips which you were not aware of, however, to his dismay, Baekhyun realized it.

Her lips are rosy and plump, he thought to himself. Even though he called you a spoiled brat, he was not sure of if you were a brat or not. Kiddos have not the type of lips, calling people for the kisses, like you. There was something, even during your cocky performances when you tried to beat the life out of him, although you always kept that dull and bored expression and acted like Baekhyun was not worth of your time, but there was something just in you.

Baekhyun swallowed down his own vomit when he admitted it to himself, and you have caught his glare.

“What?” you purred. “Can’t you take your eyes off me?”

“Who the hell wants to watch you?” he quickly collected his thoughts and put them in a fucking trail. “I am looking for a restaurant where we can have good food.”

After a permanent mutual ignorance session for years, his next words caught you off your guard.

“You like local foods, right?” he asked. “I guess the second shop on this street is famous for jjangmyeon and tteokbokki.”

Well, you had to admit that his questions made your brain a little bit foggy. How could he know that?

“Yeah.” for the first time in history, you did not come up with any sharp answer. “How about you?”

“As long as there is no cucumber or extremely sweet cuisine,” he started to walk. “I am fine.”

You heard that Baekhyun is really not in good terms with cucumber.

“Feel you.” you murmured in your mouth because you hated cucumbers as much as you hated Baekhyun. He swiftly look at you, you accompanied him on the street.

“We should celebrate.” he teased. “I said something, you just answered, and we did not have a fight.”

“This is a privilege for cucumbers.” you shrugged your shoulder, but you also felt that he did not buy your nonchalant tone. “I cannot stand them, mum loves it too much, I mean what type of person can love a cucumber? If I need water, I prefer to drink it.”

Your observation made him tilted his head back in that rumbling laugh of his, you were unwilling to join, but the corners of your mouth turned up slightly.

“Here we go.” He, as a gentleman, opened the door for you, you responded with the most neutral expression you could muster. “Oh, no thanks?”

“Thank you.” you rolled your eyes, however, despite of your strongly negative feelings against him, you do not like rudeness. “Sorry, that was insolence of me.”

“Your apology is fully accepted.” he winked, you hated that cocky tone, you hated yourself for falling into his trap. You passed him, went to a distanced table where it placed in the corner. You did not want to be seen as having a lunch with Baekhyun by your teammates.

Corner was fine.

“Oh, no.” he grabbed your arm, manhandled you to the tables of the center. “I will not let you escape. If they see us, let them to see.”

Your eyebrows knitted, your lips pressed to each other enough to form a thick line on your face, you could almost taste your growing anger. But at the same time, you realized that feeling his hand on your skin increased your heartbeats, you wanted to scream with self-hatred, but you bite down on your tongue as his hand quickly wandered to down, to your waist. He directed you to the most visible table from outside while you were fighting yourself in order to control your fucking pace of breathing.

Please, this could not be true, I could not be excited because of his touch, you thought.

This was not happening, what the fuck was happening?

Baekhyun was not so different from you, even though his face expression was not changed for a bit. He forced himself to take control, but it was really hard for him.

Your hate was reciprocated, right? You guys could not spend even a bloody minute in peace, the only thing you had was annoyance.

So, why you perfectly fit in his embrace just like you were made just to be under his arm?

Why Baekhyun wanted to tight his arm around your waist?

Why could you not say anything even though Baekhyun was literally holding you?

Why you felt like you were in the only place where you had to be for the rest of your days?

“Hi.” you heard the waitress who was a really beautiful girl. “Welcome to Sung’s String. How can I help you?”

Even though finishing her sentence, she begun to eye Baekhyun. You rolled your eyes and reached to the menu; to be honest, this show was not funny after seeing it for the million times. Every time, Sejong Team went outside for a drink, for a gathering or even for a museum trip, girls and sometimes boys gazing the members of Sejong Team just like they were idols or actors because of their good-looking. Eh, they were not wrong, you had to say that the Sejong Team included really, really, and really handsome boys from Baekhyun to Chanyeol, from Kyungsoo to Jongdae and these boys’ superiors were Kim oh-my-godJunmyeon and Kim lord-help-us Minseok.

Well…

You were already got used to the reactions coming from all around when Sejong Team showed their faces. You knew that both of insiders and outsiders of Sejong Institute called your team members as the Flower Boys or a shitty nickname like that.

“I would like to have a jjangmyeon without cucumbers, and a tteokbokki.” you turned the menu off. “With a light coke.”

“Coke?” Baekhyun mimicked you like he could not believe his ears. “Are you kidding? Everyone knows that you have to drink jasmine tea in order to help digestion.”

“Have you been majored in nutrition?” you gave him your bitchy resting face. “Shut the fuck up.”

“No coke.” he wholly ignored you and turned to the waitress who was watching him as drooling. “Please, we want two bowls of jjangmyeon, two tteokbokki, also please we would like to have kimbap and kimchi as the garnitures and of course a pot of jasmine tea.”

“Yeah!” she sounded weaker after Baekhyun conducted all power he had in his eyes to her. “Anything else?”

“I guess we are fine for the time being.” Baekhyun smiled to her, causing a flush of redness on her cheeks.

“I will be back as soon as possible.” the girl literally purred, Baekhyun’s eyes shined after her reaction. Little bastard. You did not want to think about it, but his visible joy had your stomach churned. You inhaled and took your book out of your bag.

“What are you doing?” Baekhyun glanced up at you, reached to take the book from your hands. “Having lunch together means conversation, are you going to read?”

“Give the book to me, Byun.” you kicked his foot under the table. “I know you do not know how to read and enjoy but that’s a good habit to have.”

“Yeah, I know that habit of you gives nothing but lonely hours in library.” he had no limits of shooting his arrows. “Have you ever tried something different for a change?”

“Like what?” you tried to get back your book. “Following your great example and dedicate my life to your favourite sport? Sorry, I have no interest in running after women by lolling my tongue out of my mouth.”

“Baby girl,” Baekhyun put your book in his leather bag. “You have no idea whose tongue lolls out of the mouth.”

You could not decide on what you hated the most. Baekhyun or the girls after Baekhyun? You concluded as both of them were equally horrible in your eyes.

“I am sure your stories are incredible.” you inhaled. “But I really do not like to hear the anecdotes of miserable women. Could you give the book back before I gauge your eyes off?”

“Nope.” he grinned. “I can bet on you are still a virgin but tell me if you have an affair or not, I would like to pay my condolences to your partner.”

He was already written as the first name in your list of most-hated-people, but suddenly became the first man to be written as the first enemy of a lifetime.

“Did you finish your own list of dead partners?” you raised one eyebrow. “Thinking of its length gives me chills.”

“No dead.” his grin widened from one ear to the other. “They just had some temporary heart problems due to the performances I gave to them.”

You opened your mouth to slap his face with the words, but the waitress came back to your table with a huge tray. She was placing every bowl and plate, actually fucking Baekhyun with her eyes, you literally hardly suppressed your instincts, telling you to warn her immediately.

But you were not honest with yourself about why you wanted to warn her. In the deep of your mind, but in very deep, you had been starting to realize that you disliked when the girls threw themselves to Baekhyun because you wanted them to stop. You did not like the scene because you did not want to share Baekhyun’s gaze with another person.

You were lying to yourself without realizing what was the real problem of you.

You loved Baekhyun from the beginning, even though he was a fucking tease and a bloody smartass. There was no other man for you, if someone could cut your chest, the only thing would be seen in your heart was his name.

But that would be the heaviest self-enlightenment, and you were definitely not ready for such as a thing. That’s why you unconsciously continued to trick yourself by disguising your own feelings from your own eyes.

You got the chopsticks and decided to have your lunch instead of burying yourself in the maze of thoughts. Baekhyun realized your discomfort, but he had no idea what the real reason of your mood was, whatever made you unhappy was more than okey for him. He could be happy as long as you were sorrowful.

“You still not give an answer to the question.” he was persistent on pushing your limits. “Do you have a relationship?”

“Why are you curious?” you took a mouthful amount of jjangmyeon. How much you wanted to stuff these noodle strings into his throat, suffocating him to death. “If you want to send a bouquet, please note that I love blue roses.”

“You are really a virgin, huh?” Baekhyun diabolically grinned, you could swear on you saw the red halo over his head.

“Darling, you cannot make me angry by stating what is obvious.” you smiled back, there was no reason holding it back, you were always open on these issues, and a sick part of you wanted to tell him to see his reaction. “Yeah, I am a virgin.”

“Do you conservatively follow a church?” his chin dropped a few inches. “How could it be possible with all the boys who try to seduce you?”

Well, you did not expect to hear this.

“Come on,” Baekhyun continued. “I always see you with a bunch of men, do you really think they are following you only for friendship?”

“On the contrary of you and your limit-does-not-exist type of libido, people can build the bonds of affinity.”

“Only when they do not search for an open door to sneak in.” Baekhyun pointed his chopsticks to your face. “Telling you, I can name at least six permanent names in the waiting room.”

You did not see the hidden meaning of his words, however, Baekhyun was already became regretful, he silently prayed for your ignorance and blindness were going to keep him safe. Because he gave you the biggest clue of his interest in you by stating he could give even names.

He still did not understand how he could know everything about you or why he always put a brick on the ways of the candidates for you, but he did. Hell, he was unapologetically finding a way to prevent the boys who liked you and no one could understand it was Baekhyun. He always came up with a solution in order to intimate them, put them back off. You were not aware but Baekhyun always appeared around you when he thought a candidate was close to you more than he supposed to be.

He already put his stamina on you as his girl, but he was not aware of his own actions. He was not aware of what he has been doing, how he was persistently looking for you, searching for your face in every class or harmoniously living with your voice. It was like your breathing was singing to his ears, and he was dancing with your melody.

Baekhyun did not understand but he was yours.

“I am not sure what you think,” you sipped from jasmine tea with self-confidence. “But there is no such a fucking waiting room.”

“You are really blind.” Baekhyun chewed a rice cake, generously dipping it into the gochujang sauce. “Don’t you think Oh Seunghwan is acting like more than a friend? Or Jang Jeongbun? Jesus, even you really cannot be that much idiot.”

Baekhyun was right for the first time in history. You were nothing more than a retard because you really did not understand the behind the scenes of his words. He was unconsciously giving you the signs of his interests in you, but you were so naïve to see.

“They are my friends, Baekhyun.” you rolled your eyes back. “I know grasping the nature of different relationships is hard for you, but people can be nothing but friends. No need to add tensions or searching for hidden meanings.”

Every time you vocalized his fucking name, Baekhyun felt its impact went straight to his dick, and he hated himself for that.

You were not the type of people who could be okey with the target of teasing. You wanted to play, you wanted to be enhanced by it, sinking into the waves of the game.

And even Baekhyun did not admit it in his head, he believed you were the most attractive girl he has been known because of you always corresponded to his moves and cards.

“How about you?” you immediately played your reverse card, grinning like a Cheshire cat. “I heard that you and your gorgeous looks which made entire school swoon and fantasize about you? Are you really called as the sexiest human being on the country?”

Your voice was the strongest indicator of your disbelief, he could be the biggest moron on planet Earth, nothing more nothing less.

Also, you were aware of those comments on Baekhyun more than you wished for. You kept everything you heard about him in your head, in the safest and the most secret file of your brain, refusing to think but keeping on unconsciously think about those speculations. You found them very suspicious, but not because of Baekhyun did not deserve to be called as the sexiest human being, you found those fantasies as unlikely because of Baekhyun had not that macho man stuff people were somehow attributing to him.

You had grown so sick from all of these dreams and comments, coming from every corner of school since Baekhyun was like a star.

And now, you had him seemed quite displeased with your tease.

“Only on the country?” he raised one eyebrow. “Shit, it seems I am not doing well.”

“Baby, you are coming after Park Chanyeol.” you sighed in joy of dancing on your tiptoes. “That’s a quite achievement, when you think.”

“Chanyeol?” he sighed in annoyance; you knew that you trapped his ego in a small box. “Coming after Chanyeol?”

“Yeah.” you gave the most nonchalant look to him. “Well, I can tell that’s quite unfair since Flower Boys includes really strong names such as Kyungsoo or Junmyeon but… Poor girls, they have to be lunatic to put you after Chanyeol.”

“What do you think about these extremely distorted images of us?” Baekhyun angrily took a mouthful of jjangmyeon.

“Do you ask my list?” you crossed your hands over your chest, cooing with gleamy eyes. “I cannot believe that Byun Baekhyun, asking me, a poor peasant, for her list.”

Baekhyun’s eyes darkening, and you were not sure why your mood was changed from the pure need of mocking him to an excitement which you could not ignore. His voice was really screechy and boyish when he asked your list, and his voice giving you a different kind of pleasure. Not the pleasure of scolding him, but the delight of toying him, pushing him to the edge.

But you did not analyse your current feelings, instead, you rushed to deliver your actually-not-existent list.

“We are talking about physical features, right? But I am going to rate everyone also with their characteristics.” you smiled. “For me, the first name is Chanyeol. I mean, look at that face he has, and his body ratio is excellent, but he has a golden heart. Then, of course Kyungsoo, he is fucking handsome, therefore, he is a great guy.”

“I really pity your tastes of men.” Baekhyun’s discontent with your made-up list was palpable, and the dissatisfaction of his tone was like honey left out in the morning sun.

“The number 3 is Junmyeon as always.” you wholly ignored his comment. “No one can say anything against to Kim Junmyeon, he is the definition of aesthetic. Minseok and Jongdae shared the same number in my list, and that’s all.”

“You forgot me.” Baekhyun snorted, his voice made you lifted your head. He was so tense; you never see his jaw clenched at this expand. What’s up his ass? you silently though in your head.

“I did not.” you were cool as a cucumber. “You are not in the list.”

Till now, you guys always ate each other, digging the graves for each other, always fighting always scolding always throwing invisible daggers to each other. However, you have never ever seen those dangerous lights, dancing in the pupils of Baekhyun after your words.

It was difficult to wrap your mind around the fact that you found this Baekhyun as more attractive than his usual-self and unfortunately you already found Baekhyun very desirable. Even though you would never even let yourself to think about being intimate with him, his eyes stirred something inside of you, ignited some fires close to your lower stomach.

“I am sorry to hear that.” you also never heard this cold voice tone of Baekhyun, and you heard almost every negative version of Baekhyun’s voice which he spared only to use against you. “Let’s finish the meals, we have to be back to work.”

“Yeah.” you nod, lightly smiled. You managed to make him mad, you achieved your goal to annoy him so bad.

Why did you feel bad?

Why did you want Baekhyun to continue on the game?

Why did you feel regretful?

Why did you want to cry?

When Baekhyun’s phone started to ring, you almost completed every house in the list Junmyeon gave to you.

And you spent the last two hours in a total silence. It was eerily, Baekhyun’s lips firmly presses into each other like he sworn on not to talk again. You were not so different, but inside of your mind, something was gnawing your inner peace.

You were not happy, even you coped with the most difficult task, shutting Baekhyun’s mouth.

But you were not happy. You did not feel like you got the prize.

Instead…

You were extremely sad, and you felt like you let the trophy to slid between your fingers.

You had to feel like you hit the jackpot, but quite opposite, you were miserable.

You were especially afraid of losing Baekhyun’s attention, your own heart was aching at the way you told him off.

Still, you were lying to yourself and trying to conceal what made you afraid, you were not honest to your conscious, however despite of your efforts, you knew something was wrong with you after his transformation after you showed him the door.

You were a coward; you were not accepting the solid fact that you were in love with Byun Baekhyun and what made you afraid was nothing but losing him.

However, you were also sure on Baekhyun had a place in your head, making you shutter, had you shaking in your shoes. You could not name where to put his name, but you knew he had a place in your life.

And you were horrified by the possibility of losing the chance of hearing his voice. Even if his cocky remarks were the only words you could rip from him.

“Yeah?” Baekhyun answered to the call, for a second, you were happy to hear his voice again, but he walked towards to the last house you had to visit without waiting for you. He did not do this, even in the beginning of the day. You took a deep breath, you did not know why the heck you were really sad for his sudden coldness, godfuckingdamnit didn’t you hate and always despise each other? You mentally slapped yourself to gather yourself up, but it was pointless, you rushed to catch him.

You were aware of there was a painful squeeze in your chest, but you could not understand the reason of its presence or how you could get rid of that.

“Junmyeon told us to retreat.” Baekhyun informed you without looking at you. “After this house, we have to run back to the meeting point.”

“Okey.” you nod, hated the meek voice tone you produced but your mind was not on the case, you were questioning your own feelings and firm beliefs about Baekhyun.

Baekhyun was not better, to be honest, he was worse than you.

When you nonchalantly told him he was not in your list, he wanted to puke everything he devoured during lunch even though tteokbokki was his favourite food. He wanted to punch himself on the face when you counted the members of your fucking list, he wanted to smack his head into the table.

Chanyeol? Kyungsoo? Damnit, even Junmyeon found his way to sneak into your list, but Baekhyun was not there.

He was always sure of he would be landed in every list, but he never think that being in your fucking list was the most important for him.

Why did he care if you were not seeing him as a man or not?

This question swirling in his head had his mind shattering.

As much as he was happy to see you wiggling like a worm under the fires, he could not control his reactions against the problem. When he saw you trembling over a case, he was the first one always popped out of nowhere to fix the problem in the darkness and never let you learn that it was him. He did not let even Junmyeon to help you, putting aside Chanyeol or Kyungsoo.

Baekhyun was the one who had been saving your ass like he was your invisible rescue call.

But you did not name him in your fucking list.

It drove him into crazy. The lack of your attention. He never mean that alerting you on his helps or care for you, but at the same time, he never think that his efforts would be equal to nothing.

He hated himself as much he hated you.

While you were walking back to the meeting point, both of you were lost in your own darkest thoughts. You were carefully paying the attention in order to not to have immersed each other, however both of you wanted nothing but screaming to each other, enough to have the fiercest fight till now.

You wanted to lose yourself in Baekhyun just like he was dying to bury himself into you for his dear life. However, both of you were very good at muting the voices of your hearts and minds.

“Indy! Baekhyun!” you heard Minseok, turning to his voice. “It is going to be a blizzard; we have to find a shelter.”

“Ha?”

“The forecast was clear as fuck.” Chanyeol pointed Junmyeon who was glued to his phone. “Jun is looking for a hotel for us since we could not go back.”

“We can take the cabs?” you were puzzled, a blizzard would be bad, but it did not mean that you had to spend the night here. “I mean, we are not living in a different city.”

“Yeah, you are right.” Shinhye crossed her arms over her shoulders, trying to keep herself warm. You had to admit, although you did not feel it till now, the weather was really cold. “But the cab drivers refused to drive into the city center. They advised us to stay here.”

“How about using metro?” you asked. “It is not so hard.”

“If you want,” Junmyeon hissed at you, holding the phone over his shoulder for a second. “You can try your chance, Indy. However, we are going to spend the night here. Safe and warm.”

“He is right.” Kyungsoo smiled at you. “I prefer to be warm and dry, sorry.”

You took a look at the team, and everyone was approving Kyungsoo’s words like they were bloody zealots.

“Okey, dumbasses.” you sighed in annoyance. “But we do not have even fucking pyjamas.”

“You can always take your clothes off.” Chanyeol winked at you. “Who says you need a pair of pyjamas to sleep?”

“Shut the fuck up, Chanyeol.” a sudden blush spread over your cheekbones, Chanyeol could not help but burst into laughs.

Baekhyun was determined to ignore you, but he could not help himself.

“Yeah, number one.” he muttered between his teeth, enough to be heard only by you. “Golden heart.”

Your chin was dropped for a few inches after hearing his annoyed voice tone and vindictive comment.

Could it be the reason of his unexpected coldness?

Could he be jealous of your invalid expressions and your fake list?

No way.

He could not be.

Your heart skipped the order of beats.

“Okey,” Junmyeon interrupted your thoughts. “We are going, if we are lucky, we will be in the hotel before the bloody snow will sweep down on us.”

“Let’s go!” Shinhye grabbed your hand, dragging you beside of herself. You submissively followed her footsteps; however, your mind was distracted by Baekhyun’s last words.

Could it be?

“This is heaven.” Jongdae rubbed his tummy. “Thank you, Jun!”

“No problem.” Junmyeon smiled and looked at all of you, to be honest, after a really good and delicious dinner, everyone was knocked out over the table.

Except you and Baekhyun.

“If you want you can go to your rooms.” Junmyeon said. “Since we were fortunate to find a single room for each of us, I do not think we have to play rock-paper-scissor.”

“Ah, having a room for myself.” Minseok laughed. “I do not have to hear your snorts, Junmyeon.”

They were sharing the same flat, everyone laughed after his teasing, Junmyeon too.

“Look who is talking.” he beamed. “I am so happy that I am going to have one night without your damn showering rituals.”

“Tell us about it.” Jongdae whined. “Pleeeassse.”

While Junmyeon and Minseok had been giving details of their flatmate stories to the team, making everyone to enjoy the environment, you were deeply sink into the pool of thoughts.

What a day, you thought. And why I feel like I am desperate?

Also, Baekhyun was not enjoying the unexpected banquet, instead he was quite enough to draw attention to himself. Chanyeol was on the verge of asking what the heck was wrong with him, but Kyungsoo kicked him under the table, pointed you with his eyes. Chanyeol’s wit quickly grabbed the matter, and he devilishly grinned.

You gave a hard day to Baekhyun, and he had no intention to change a thing between you and Baekhyun.

He always believed that you were secretly liking each other, but as you were nothing but stubborn bastards, you concealed your feelings towards each other.

Chanyeol definitely had zero motive to interrupt the fight between you, if it meant you would understand your mutual feelings.

Junmyeon also sensed the tension between you and Baekhyun, but he was not the type of persons who could wait on his corner.

“Baekhyun? Baekhyun!” Junmyeon called out him, waking him up. “How was your day? Why you guys are silent as dead?”

“We completed the task.” Baekhyun answered sourly, the corner of his mouth jumping downwards faintly. “As you assigned me and her.”

Baekhyun deliberately avoided using the pronoun of us.

“And it was a hell of task.” he continued. “I am so tired.”

“Even if you are fucking tired,” Jongdae raised a rejection. “You never shut your mouth, tell us what the heck is gnawing you?”

The bloody girl who sits next to you, Baekhyun thought but he was clever enough to keep the filter between his mouth and brain as valid.

“The girl I gave a promise for this night.” he forced himself to beam. “Because of this fucking weather, I have to arrange another meeting with her.”

Your heart churned, his reply had you wanting to slap your face. Harshly.

And you thought that he could be jealous because you named Chanyeol!

You were nothing but such an idiot.

An idiot who did not know a single piece of shit but acting so superior.

You were a goddamn idiot.

Chanyeol’s eyes narrowed after hearing Baekhyun’s shitty words, Kyungsoo wanted to punch Baekhyun’s face so bad, Junmyeon’s dislike of Baekhyun was obvious but he did not say anything, just sighed in desperation.

You felt nothing but another flash of pain as someone hit your abdomen.

“Are you okey, Indy?” Jongdae leaned over to you, whispering. You shook your head positively, smiling slightly. “You did not throw yourself into even desert.”

Your love for deserts was not a secret amongst your friends as Shinhye, sharing Jongdae’s concerns, handed you a bunch of cloudy puffs, filled with lemon cream. You took one of them, although you had no appetite, you forced yourself to eat the puff in order to put your friends at ease.

He was your biggest enemy and rival, right?

Why you were so devastated, almost on the verge of being hysterical?

You were not aware of you had been hypocritical with your feelings, and you were running away from your own heart. That’s why your hands were shaking, your heart was drumming into your ribs and aching as hell.

You were not ready to face with your heart, but you were also too naïve to save yourself from the pain it caused.

“Was he really harsh on you?” Jongdae murmured, his eyes was nothing but full of worries. “I am sure you could put him in his place but still…”

“He was not.” you said. “And you know me, nothing cheers me up but kicking his ass.”

“Glad to hear that.” Jongdae inhaled but the worries did not leave his face. “So why are you so down?”

“I am really tired today.” you sighed, tucking another puff into your mouth as you mentally punched your face in order to take the fucking control of yourself. “But if I will eat enough amount of these pastries, I will be like a bomb.”

“You are already like a bomb.” Minseok joined into the chat. “You look like on the verge of exploding.”

You unwillingly laughed at his damn right assumption.

“You know what?” you sniffed. “I am dying for a good drink. Would like to join me for a soju break?”

There was no single soul who could oppose to propose of grab a drink in your team. Jongdae jumped out of his chair, Shinhye was born ready and Minseok was the strongest drunkard.

“We are heading to the bar.” Minseok happily announced. “If you guys want to join, perfect, if not, good night to all.”

You were always impressed by the eagerness of Sejong Team to jump into any opportunity for a drink. Everyone, every single soul of this team, had a strong will to consume a respectable amount of alcohol. Less than a minute, everyone gathered up and headed to the elevators in order to visit the terrace of the hotel.

You had been wondering how rich Junmyeon was, even though he was a senior in college, or which kind of relations he had under his belt.

Jesus, you could not pay your attention during the dinner, however the hotel you had been staying was nothing but a touch of luxury. You had a strong guess on the payment bill of this place, however you preferred to keep it to yourself as you knew that Junmyeon did not like talking about the wealth lies beneath his fingertips.

But the bar was intimating.

Minseok, Jongdae and Kyungsoo were having a fierce conversation about the administrative offices of Roman Empire, Shinhye were with Junmyeon as they were talking on the next project that they aimed to present for the Head of Department. Chanyeol, only God knew how the heck he found that, was playing a guitar and you, as dwelling in an extremely comfortable armchair, tucked yourself into a blanket like a sushi roll, were enjoying the sudden calmness around yourself. The dim lights, from the chandeliers dangling from the ceiling, casting mirages across the hall, showing the wooden tables scattered between the chairs and beautiful, fresh cut flowers in their elegant vases.

It is not Korean but Chinese or Japanese, you thought, however with your bad eyesight, making an observation about the porcelain and its design was impossible. Also, you were a little bit slothful at the very moment to move your butt, you wanted to indulge in the soju you were holding, not anything else.

You felt a hand on your shoulder, warm but unfamiliar, your head jerked to face the owner of touch.

Baekhyun was looking at you, however his eyes were different from his usual self. There was no intention to mock with you, his eyes were clear as the snow drops that covering the streets right now.

“May I sit?” Baekhyun asked to you, catching you off guard with an unexpected kindness. You nod, feeling a sudden increase of the level of excitement, but kept your mouth shut. “Thank you.”

Thanking you? Byun Baekhyun?

You perked up, starting to prepare yourself for the fight, despite of the considerable amount of soju flowing in your veins, you were ready to guard yourself.

His elbow brushed your forearm when he was rolling his body in order to adjust the chair next to you.

You were shocked by the reaction your body gave to the moment, the only thing he did was sitting on a fucking chair, but your cheekbones were on fire.

His hips, damn his hips your inner voice was hysterically whispering in your head.

“May I ask to which muse I owe this honour?” you searched Baekhyun’s eyes for a glint of dismissiveness, however this was the very first time you have been the target of sincere, chocolate brown and deep irises.

“I have a question for you.” Baekhyun quickly ignored your offensive joke. “Why I am not in your list?”

He may as well have tossed you inside of a volcano, kicking you into the pool of lava, the impact would be the same. Your heart prompted to your stomach, they churned together, your throat and lungs tightened so bad, enough to cut your air by yourself.

You open your mouth, but nothing come out, just a bubble.

“I do not know how to translate that.” he sneered however you were at a loss. You could expect a lot of words from Byun Baekhyun but questioning the reason of his absence in your fucking list was not one of them.

“There is—” you bite your lower lip to stop yourself, you were on the verge of confessing that there was no list, you just tried to poke his ego, but thank God, you still had a piece of sanity to hold on. “I do not understand. Why do you care my list?”

Do I look like I fucking know? Baekhyun wanted to shake your cage, he wished nothing but screaming at you with all power he had in his lungs. He had no idea why he was mad at you, but he was out of rage and the only reason was you.

“Because I am curious.” he leaned his elbows onto his knees, cocking one eyebrow to you. “And what I hate most is being ignorant to a case.”

“I know.” you spoke without thinking, your mind was delving into the current problem you had in order to find a balanced answer, so you did not realize what you exactly said.

Unfortunately for you, Byun Baekhyun did not become your biggest rival by being blind or deaf.

His lips slightly curled upwards.

But the gentleman he could be, he did not corner you for the time being.

“So?”

It did not mean he would not try to push you in order to get what he wanted.

“Is there a rule saying that every human being has to be interested in you?”

You were not aware of it, but your voice was cracking, and your breathing became heavier, quickened and there was a sheen of sweet on your forehead.

To your dismay, Byun Baekhyun did not unconsciously mark you as his girl without studying you to the bits.

“Humanity is a different topic.” he widely smiled. “I wonder about you, sweetheart.”

Your breath stuck in your lungs because of the endearment, even though you were aware of his teasing of you.

“You are not my type, Byun.” you dead serious.

“Ah, your type is Chanyeol, right?” he smirked, turning his head to the tall brunette who indulged himself into the guitar. “Should we alert him to your interest in him?”

“Goddamn, no!” you hissed at him. What kind of trouble he was aiming to knit on your head? “Do you know the definition of privacy? You are invading personal boundaries, dumbass.”

“I do not think so.” Baekhyun shrugged his shoulder. “If you like Chanyeol, Chanyeol has the right of be aware of your interest.”

“Okey, even a scoundrel like you cannot be crossing the limit of respect like this.” you moved to stand up, giving the most dangerous look to Baekhyun. “I do not have to lis-

“Hey, Chanyeol!” Baekhyun called him with a high-pitched voice. Chanyeol lifted his head, distracted by the unexpected scream of Baekhyun.

“What?”

“Nothing!” your hand immediately tugged onto Baekhyun’s knee, squeezing it tightly in order to warn him. “You are playing so good, keep going!”

Chanyeol laughed at your words.

“You do not have to scream like that, Goddamnit.”

“Tell it to your friend.” you rolled your eyes back, fuming with anger but covering your face pretty well. You turned to Baekhyun, your eyes telling him that he was in serious danger if he was not going to shut his fucking mouth up.

Baekhyun did not care your silent warning, but your hand on his knee was a real distraction for him.

“I know that he is not your type.” he murmured, watching your hand, small, pale, and soft, Baekhyun did not want to confess but he wanted to latch your fingers to his. “Is it Kyungsoo?”

“Do I interrogate your preferences of girls, damn?” you literally gritted between your teeth. “Leave it.”

“I have no intention.” Baekhyun turned to Kyungsoo, narrowing his eyes. “Let’s ask if you are Kyungsoo’s type.”

“What the fuck are you, cupid?!” you grunted, and your hands moved without your consent. You grasped Baekhyun’s jawline, your fingertips were brushing his ears. “I said, leave it.”

“If you want to shut my mouth,” Baekhyun beamed, ignoring the fact that your touch meant for a lot than he could expect, he was going to think about it later. “Tell me why I am not in your list.”

“No one can desire someone like you!” you exploded. “An arrogant, dandy, selfish boy who does not know nothing but bringing trouble to others. That’s why you can never be in my list, even I have to choose between you and an octopus. For the records, I hate octopus, but I would go for it, if it means the other option is you.”

“Oh, you hurt me.” Baekhyun’s eyes glimmered with the sparks of unnamed feelings. He leaned forward, enough you to feel his breath fanning your lips. “You know what, sweetheart? You are so aggressive only when you have a secret which have to stay only in your head.”

“W-what?”

“I am definitely in that list.” Baekhyun claimed it with confidence, but it was just the appearance. Inside him, his heart was definitely shuttering, cracking into pieces, he had no control over himself, he could not understand his sudden behaviours. “I am in your list, if there is a list.”

Your eyes widened, and pupils blown up.

“Jesus.” you snorted. “When you lost your fucking mind?”

“You are a pretty bad liar.” Baekhyun was making assumptions out of his ass in order to get a reaction from you, he was not fucking sure if he was in the list or not, but everything he said actually rang the true bells.

“And you are a lunatic.” your intense eyes pinned him down, and the frowning lips caught your attention, but you forced to came back to your senses as soon as possible. “You will never be anything more than a lunatic.”

You attempted to stand up, but he was incredibly swift to catch your wrist, pressing you back to the armchair.

“Tell me, sweetheart.” he held your wrist for his dear life, caging you and to your disappointment, coming closer to your face, causing your ability of speaking to be faded immediately.

His godfuckingdamnit lips.

“You have been having doubts on me since the day we met, your driving force is giving me hard time.” his breathing was fanning your cheekbones. "Confess now, why are you pissed at me all the time?”

“Hell, you do talk like you are so different. Aren’t you the one who always finds a way to be trouble for me?” you raised one eyebrow, letting him to realize the game was reserved for two people. “If it means liking someone, since when you have been fallen in love over heels with me?”

“You have no idea how much I want to place your heels over my shoulders.”

Your chin was dropped, his words had you turning into a mummy who was trying to register into his remarkable sentence without a single brain cell.

You had to come up with the best answer you could give. You had to find the best response to him, and it had to be a perfect balance of sharpness, cockiness, and matureness as it had to be said with the resting bitch face.

And you heard your own voice.

“Ha?”

“You heard what I said.” Baekhyun intensively gazed at you, the proximity between your bodies had your body quivering and trembling at the same time and his fucking knee slightly, almost insensibly pushed your legs apart.

“You are really nonsensical, Baekhyun.” you inhaled, doing your best in order to ignore all the jolts all over your body, numbing your mind but also setting the skin on fire. Every time you said his name, Baekhyun felt something turning in his lower stomach. “What the fuck you want from me?”

“You did not name me in your list.” You could not believe your fucking eyes, more importantly, you could not believe you were still listening his gibberish like a kindergarten kiddo. “But, I am better than everyone else here.”

His voice dropped the slightest, making you shiver.

“Would you like me to prove it to you?”

[starstrucklovetragedy]

Hey guys! So even though I mostly post Voltage USA related content on the blog, I also did/do play some of Voltage Japan games as well. Though I don't really anymore considering that it mostly consists of men and also lis these days are either predictable or boring sooooo.... But if there was one franchise in the Voltage Japan that I love to play, it's the Liar games! The game are basically calling out fake assholes and finding the "right" person and the stand out in these games is usually the MCs cause their not the usual MCs that voltage puts out. So I'm gonna talk about them from worst to best. Some people might get mad while some might agree but anyway let's get it

Also Spoiler Warning so if you want to play Liar yourself.... don't read this

---------------------------------------------------------

3.

Compared to the other two MCs on this list, SS MC feels so boring to say the least and might I say.....kind of dumb. Like the whole purpose of this game is to get suspicious and gather clues from other people but sometimes she gets suspicious over the most stupidest things, like in the last chapter of the game she keeps thinking Shotaro is lying to her cause he kept touching his nose which is supposably a sign that someone is lying when A. a day ago she literally watched a commercial about allergy medicine and she said herself that it was allergy season so you would think that he has allergies and B. Unless you were like a terrible liar then you wouldn't touch your nose that much if you're lying. Also in the 7th chapters, she thought her friends were trying to steal Shotaro/Sosuke from her when she literally isn't going out with either one of them at the time and she didn't know who she liked again at the time, like wtf. Also another thing is that unlike the other two MCs who have jobs and that's why they have money to get shit, this mc was born into a wealthy family so her relatability is already done by a lot, I don't want to read about how every night she can go partying with friends with loads of money while I can't even bye movie tickets. P.s. Her and Shotaro become endgame in the story and they are literally one of the most unbelievable couples in the liar series, especially on her part.

2. Now people might get mad at me for this placement but

Yeah ok so let's talk about the positives first: she's pretty, she's knows how to stand her ground and fight back, and she at least has a job so that's cool......now for the negatives and the main one is that she's a hypocritical bitch. Like idk if I'm the only one who thinks this but I just don't like her. She consistently judges other based on their appearances even if their a nice person and I kind of lowkey think she's homophobic considering her reaction to Johnny whenever she meets him (Johnny best character btw) same with the SS mc. And she swears that she's like the most perfect person ever when she's lying about her life and lifestyle to her other suitors in order to get her perfect man ugh... Two examples of her being a complete hypocrite is in the 7th chapter she accuses Kazuki of being an addict, with her only major evidence being that he's tired alot and white power she found, and turns he's not an addict at all but he infact has a heart condition that if he doesn't take his medicine he will likely die. And does she apologize for accusing him for being an addict....nope that would be too nice of her, she instead just says she feels bad she accused him and just leaves....with no apology.....wtf. Another example is actually in the squeal of Itaru's story where she finds that he actually knew her since childhood and he has loved her all this time (not sure why, he needs to get better taste) and decided to change for her because she actually called him ugly before in said childhood when he did confess to her and then she has the audacity to call him a complete liar afterwards and that she can't believe he deceived her WHEN SHE IS LITERALLY DOING THE SAME THING YOU FUCKING HYPOCRITICAL ASSHOLE... I'm not going to ramble anymore so just to recap, I do not like this bitch but she's certainly more interesting then the SS MC (Itaru, you deserve better then this fucking bitch and I hope in whatever universe you can find someone better)

And for 1.

Yes! This is my favorite mc and probably the best mc (at least in the English version) in the liar series! First of all, she can actually take care of herself and knows how actually take stuff seriously and be professional about it. Even if she doesn't like somebody she's know she can't flip out over them because it wouldn't be the right time or place to do so, especially in an office setting. I also actually like how they handled her and her ex-boyfriend's (Taichi) plot line as she doesn't really forgive him but she knows that he's at least sorry and feeling guilty about cheating on her with her fucking bitch of a friend, and that they can put it aside and go their separate ways (unlike the other stories in the series) it's the same with the people she exposed, besides some people who left because she either didn't want them for things that were either gross or unforgivable, she remains mature with them and knows that even though that they can't be trusted, she works with because well they still have the job but also they're trying to be better. I also think she has some of the best relationships with the characters, especially with Keisuke, who is her endgame in work and love. God I love their relationship, like it's start off with Keisuke being kind of cold to her but it eventually turns into a relationship filled with respect and even minor teasing with one another, plus he's legit the only one in the cast of characters who actually went to her apartment in the liar storyline and got to be more comfortable with her, god I love them both. Anyway the OD MC is one of the best MCs in the series and I absolutely love her. Bonus points to her having a cute-ass cat.

[olivemac]

1300 miles | chapter two | b.b.

Summary | Bucky Barnes is adjusting to civilian life, living in Brooklyn, visiting Sam in Delacroix when he can, and trying to figure out what he wants. When he meets Jo Landry, the tattooed lead singer of a New Orleans-based band, he thinks he might have found the answer. Too bad they live 1300 miles apart.

Time Frame | post-TFATWS

Pairing | Bucky Barnes x fem!oc

Rating | explicit

Warnings | mentions of combat-related injuries, alcohol use, tattoos/body piercings, coarse language, gay male character, bisexual female character, recreational/medicinal drug use (weed), pet names (doll, Sarge), smut (f/m, mutual masturbation, fingering, very very slight dom!Bucky, praise kink), angst if you squint but not really, and all the romance tropes/fluff because I'm a sucker for it; more warnings to come; 18+ ONLY, minors DNI

A/N | Likes and comments always appreciated. :)

series master list | AO3 link | full master list

1300 miles playlist

Tag | @mrs--barnes

_____

previous chapter

_____

Jo wakes the next morning to a text from Danny: Did you fuck the Winter Soldier?

She rolls her eyes and responds: Fuck off. He’s not the Winter Soldier anymore.

Danny replies with a leaf emoji and the words: Come upstairs.

Jo slides her glasses on and climbs out of bed. She pads into the living room as quietly as she can to find Bucky snoring on her couch with Toulouse perched on his chest. She can’t stop herself from snapping a picture with her phone.

Upstairs, she lets herself into Danny’s apartment. She’s met at the door by Greta, Danny’s PTSD service dog, a medium-sized German Shepherd who waits patiently for Jo to kneel down and scratch her behind her ears.

“Morning, pup,” Jo whispers.

“I’m out here,” Danny calls from his third-floor balcony.

“Coffee?” Jo asks.

“Cold-brew in the fridge,” Danny responds.

She detours to the kitchen before joining Danny at the small table on his balcony.

“Did you have a nightmare?” Jo asks. Danny always smokes the morning after a nightmare.

“They’re called flashbacks, and yes,” he responds, taking a deep drag of the joint.

“But they’re getting better, right?”

"Since you came back, yeah, they're getting better."

“Give me that,” Jo says, reaching for the joint. She takes a drag then exhales slowly. “You can always wake me up when you have a flashback, you know.”

Danny snorts. “I was afraid I’d wander into your bedroom to find you getting dicked down by an Avenger.”

“Please stop,” Jo groans. "You get that you're my brother, right? And this is weird."

Danny laughs, "It's only weird if you make it weird." Then he says, “Seriously, though, what’s the deal with Mister Tall-Dark-and-Handsome? I mean, if Sam trusts him, then he must be a good guy, but he’s literally a hundred years old, Jo.”

“He’s…” she pauses, “really sweet and charming underneath the brooding exterior. I really like him, Danny.”

“But?”

“But he lives in New York,” she whines.

“Yeah,” Danny says, taking another drag on the joint.

“‘Yeah?’ That’s all you’re going to say?”

Danny shrugs. “Some things are worth working for.”

Jo laughs, “Okay, why don’t you get back to me when you’re not high. I’m heading back downstairs.”

“Love you, Josiebean,” Danny says, using the nickname he gave Jo when they were kids.

“Love you, too, Daniel-San,” Jo replies. Danny laughs at the Karate Kid reference like he always does, and Jo kisses his forehead and pats his shoulder before leaving.

_____

Bucky wakes to the smell of coffee and bacon, his stomach rumbling at the scent. There's a warm weight on his chest, and when he opens his eyes he's greeted with the yellow stare of Toulouse.

He looks at his watch. It's a little after eleven. He usually wakes earlier, but he also doesn't usually sleep as soundly as he did last night.

He wanders into the kitchen in his borrowed sweats to find Jo standing at the stove in an oversized t-shirt, shorts, and out-of-season Halloween socks, her hair piled on top of her head in a messy bun. Her back is to him, and he takes the opportunity to study her naked legs. More ink peaks out from the hem of her shorts and covers most of her thighs. Bucky has the urge to drop to his knees before her and run his tongue over every intricate design.

Instead, he clears his throat, so he doesn't startle her, and she turns to face him. Her face is bare, and she’s wearing large, gold-rimmed glasses. Bucky can’t decide if she looks prettier like this or like she did last night, with her hair flowing down her back and her guitar in her hands.

"Morning," Jo says. “Sorry to shatter the illusion,” she continues, gesturing to her glasses and outfit.

Bucky smiles. He isn’t sure what the protocol is for greeting the woman you made out with and whose couch you slept on last night, but he decides he wants to kiss her again. He takes the few steps toward her and pulls her into his arms. This close, she has to crane her neck up to look him in the eyes.

“Morning,” he says. They’re so close and his voice is pitched so low that Jo can feel the word rumble in his chest. Butterflies erupt in her stomach.

Bucky leans down slowly and presses his lips against Jo’s. This kiss is softer and slower than the kisses they shared last night, and the heat that explodes in Jo’s lower stomach burns the butterflies away. Her fingers dig into his triceps, one arm yielding to her touch, the other firm against her digits. She sighs and opens her mouth to his tongue, letting him deepen the kiss.

He licks into her mouth, and Jo moans, her hands coming up to cup his stubble-covered cheeks. Bucky’s own hands slide down Jo’s back to her buttocks, pulling her hips flush against his so she can feel the effect she’s having on him. Jo gasps, and Bucky’s lips leave hers to trail wet kisses against her jaw.

When he pulls away, Bucky’s smile is almost smug. He likes all the sounds he’s able to pull from her, and he wants to hear more.

Jo turns back to the stove, catching her breath and trying to hide the flush she knows is rising from her chest to her cheeks.

“Breakfast — well," she looks at the clock on the oven, "brunch — is ready. Have a seat.”

Bucky places a final kiss against the back of Jo’s neck before sitting.

Toulouse rubs against Bucky's legs beneath the kitchen table. He reaches down to scratch Louie between the ears, and the cat lets out a contented chirp.

"He's usually not that nice to strangers," Jo says, watching the two of them from across the room.

"My sister had a cat growing up — big, fat orange thing that was missing half an ear. His name was Marmalade."

Jo smiles brightly and sets a plate of food in front of him. “Coffee?” she asks.

“Please,” Bucky says. “But I can get it.”

“No need,” she says, handing him a mug of fresh coffee. “You want oat milk? Sugar, maybe?”

“Black is good,” Bucky says, taking his first sip.

Jo sits across from him with her own plate and coffee cup. They spend breakfast talking quietly. Bucky likes the domesticity of it. He's gotten used to having breakfast at the Wilson's with Sarah, Sam, and the boys, but this meal with Jo feels more intimate. He has a brief flash of spending every morning like this, but he pushes it away as quickly as it comes. He's trying not to overthink whatever’s happening between himself and Jo. He’s not used to having good things in his life, but he wants to lean into this, take the risk.

"You said last night that you know who I am," Bucky says as they clear their plates from the table.

Jo is quiet for a moment, neatly stacking plates and coffee cups in the dishwasher.

“I may have seen a documentary or two featuring the Howling Commandos,” she says, closing the dishwasher and turning to Bucky. “And Sam and Steve may have crashed in Danny’s apartment for a couple of months when they were on the run following the Accords.”

Bucky is silent. He's staring at Jo with the same brooding intensity as last night, but there's something more in his eyes — a sadness she hadn't noticed earlier. She's seen that look before on Danny when he first came back from Afghanistan. It's the look of someone who's lost everything. But as quickly as it's there, it's gone.

Bucky clears his throat. “You knew Steve?” he asks.

“Yeah. I mean, briefly,” she whispers. “Let me show you something.”

He follows her into the living room where she pulls a box from one of the bookshelves. She empties the contents onto the coffee table; it's a handful of polaroids featuring varied combinations of Jo and Sam and Steve and Danny. Bucky sits on the couch and picks up one of the photos. It's of Steve with a German Shepherd; in the photo Steve is smiling brightly, and Bucky's heart aches at the sight.

"That's Greta," Jo says, sitting next to Bucky, "Danny's dog. She was just a puppy then. She adored Steve."

Bucky laughs through his nose and picks up another photo. This one features Sam and Jo sitting at a table in a kitchen that looks like Jo's but slightly different — Bucky assumes it's Danny's; Sam is clearly in the middle of a story, and Jo's head is thrown back in laughter. A stab of jealousy hits him in the chest — Bucky wants to make her laugh like that. He skims through the rest of the polaroids, finally landing on one of Jo and Steve sitting side by side at a piano, Steve's large frame dwarfing the woman next to him.

"He found out I can play a few '30s and '40s standards on piano," Jo says, smiling at the memory. "There wasn't a lot for him and Sam to do cooped up here for three months, so I taught him some basics."

Bucky stares at the photo for a while before he speaks. "You play piano?" he asks.

"I started on piano, took up guitar when I was ten, then bass when I was thirteen. I can also play drums, organ, banjo, mandolin, and a little violin," she says. "And I have a Bachelors of Music with a concentration in voice."

Bucky stares at her for a moment, then tosses the photo back onto the coffee table and reaches for Jo, pulling her onto his lap. She settles with her legs on either side of his hips and her hands on his shoulders.

"So, you have very talented fingers, then?" Bucky asks with a flirty grin.

Jo rolls her eyes and laughs, but she's secretly pleased with where this interaction seems to be headed. She was worried Bucky would feel like she had kept something from him by not telling him about Steve last night, but he seems to be taking it in stride.

"Thanks for showing me those photographs," Bucky says, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "He gave up everything for me back then, so it's nice to see that maybe he had a little bit of happiness during that time."

"He wanted the same for you," she whispers, nudging her nose against Bucky's.

Bucky kisses her softly, then pulls away, staring into her green eyes. Jo slides her glasses off and sets them on the coffee table behind her.

She drags a finger down his vibranium arm and asks, “Can you feel that?”

Bucky licks his lips. “Yeah. It’s—it’s different from the real one, but yeah.”

Jo hums in acknowledgment but doesn’t say anything else. Their lips meet again, and this time the kiss is longer, needier. Bucky sweeps his tongue into her mouth, and Jo is certain she's going to have beard burn across her face tomorrow. But she doesn't really care.

Jo slides her hands into Bucky's hair, and he sighs into her mouth when she angles her hips against his just right, pressing against him slowly. His grip on her waist tightens before he slips his vibranium hand down across her backside to gently guide her movements. His flesh hand covers her right breast, palming her through her shirt.

Jo's hands leave his hair to slide beneath Bucky's t-shirt. He pulls back from her slightly and puts his hand over hers.

“I have scars,” Bucky warns.

“Okay,” Jo mumbles against his lips, trying for another kiss.

Bucky pulls back again. “They’re not pretty.”

Jo looks at him. “Bucky, do you really think I care about that? Do I look like someone who’s worried about conventional beauty standards?” she jokes. She smiles softly and brings a hand up to cradle his jaw. “You don’t have to show me. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” she whispers, leaning in to kiss him again.

He pulls away from her mouth to tug the shirt over his head before he can overthink it. He’s gorgeous like this, and Jo wants to touch every inch of him. She starts with his chest, and her fingers dance lightly across the scars on Bucky’s left shoulder before she presses a quick kiss to the spot where flesh meets metal. Bucky smiles at the gesture, then his lips are on Jo's neck. As he sucks a mark into the place where her neck meets her shoulder, Bucky slips his flesh hand beneath the fabric of Jo's shirt.

Bucky's thumb slides across her nipple, and he pauses, warm metal against his digit stopping him. Jo can feel Bucky's fingers against her breast, trying to work out what exactly he's touching. She leans back, her hands on Bucky's chest to keep him from following her and pulls her t-shirt over her head.

Bucky's fairly certain his heart stops at the sight before him. He’s not sure what to look at first: the small gold balls that adorn either side of Jo’s erect nipples or the intricate floral design inked on her sternum between and below her breasts, framing them perfectly.

“So…I have my nipples pierced,” Jo says, taking Bucky’s staring for hesitation or confusion.

Bucky licks his lips. “Fuck,” he mutters before running his thumb across her right nipple and taking the left one between his teeth.

Jo hisses and bucks her hips harder against his cock. He's hot and hard beneath her as she grinds against him. The feeling he had last night – of being on fire – has returned, but it's tenfold now. Every thought of taking things slow, every bit of doubt has evaporated in wake of his need to please Jo.

Bucky grips Jo's waist and flips her onto her back on the couch, coming to rest between her open legs.

“Is this okay?” he asks, pressing his bare chest against hers. His dog tags are cool against her skin.

“Very," she breathes.

Bucky's lips find Jo's again before trailing across her jaw, down her neck, and over her breasts. He lets his tongue explore one of her pierced nipples before taking the bud between his teeth and pulling slightly. Jo gasps, and her own hands slide from Bucky's shoulders down his chest and across his stomach, her blunt fingernails scratching against his abs as she goes. She palms his cock through his sweats, and Bucky's hips stutter. His eyes clench shut like he’s in pain, and he pulls away to catch his breath.

"Sorry," Jo says quickly, removing her hand. "We can slow down."

"No," Bucky all but growls, then takes another deep breath and opens his eyes. "No. It's just been," he pauses, "it's been a while since I've done this, and you're kind of driving me crazy, Jo." He lets out a breathy laugh, then seems to sober. "I just—I, uh, need to be in control of some things. If that's okay."

She smiles her understanding before kissing him, softer this time. Bucky leans into the kiss and sweeps his tongue into her mouth, tasting her. He props himself up with his vibranium hand, and his right hand moves back to Jo's breasts, teasing each nipple in turn.

"Tell me what you want," Jo says as Bucky's teeth bite gently at her pulse point.

Bucky presses his lips against Jo's ear and whispers, "Touch yourself. Please. I want to watch you fall apart."

Jo whimpers. She catches the look on Bucky's face as her hand travels down her body and into her shorts. His pupils are blown wide, barely a hint of blue visible around black. She knows her own eyes look much the same.

She hisses when her fingers meet the bundle of nerves between her legs, then slide lower. Bucky can't decide if he wants to watch her hand beneath her shorts or her face. He settles for moving his eyes between her face and breasts, watching them rise and fall with each breath she takes. Finally, he lowers his head back between her breasts and traces the outline of the tattoo there with his tongue. Jo moans and bucks her hips.

Bucky presses his own hips against the couch, trying to find the smallest bit of relief. He's not going to last. It's been too long since he's been with someone this way, and his body feels like a live wire. He reaches up to push the fabric of her shorts aside, moaning when he realizes she's not wearing anything beneath them.

He feels Jo's fingers pull away, and he growls, "Keep touching yourself." She does, her fingers rubbing hard circles into her clit. "Good girl," Bucky praises, and Jo keens, Bucky's name falling from her lips.

He slips his own fingers inside of her. She's so wet and warm, Bucky is afraid he'll finish just from this. Or maybe it will be the sound of her moans that do me in, he thinks. Because she sounds lovely, better than she did on stage last night. And she feels perfect wrapped around his two digits. He adds a third, and Jo's whole body tenses. Bucky can feel her warm heat tighten around his fingers as her legs bend and draw in closer to her body. The sight of Jo coming pushes him over the edge. He's spilling into his sweatpants like a teenager, and he doesn't even care. All he can think of is the sound of Jo, the feel of Jo, the look on Jo's face.

Bucky collapses onto Jo's body, his full weight resting on her for a second before he props himself up again and looks at her. She's smiling sleepily, a slightly dazed look in her eyes, and he can't help but admit that it makes his ego swell to know he can make her smile like that.

"That was..." he starts.

Jo hesitates, then runs her fingers through his hair softly. "Good? Great? Amazing?" she says.

Bucky breathes out a laugh and rests his head on her chest for a moment. "All of the above," he replies. Jo hums, and Bucky continues, lifting his head again to look at her, "You're fucking perfect, doll."

Jo laughs, and replies, "You probably say that to all the girls, Sarge."

Bucky sobers. "No, Jo, I don't. Really." He brushes a strand of hair from her face. "When I said I haven't done this in a while, that was an understatement," he says. Dr. Raynor told him he needed to open up, nurture friendships (or whatever this is turning into), so here he goes. "I wasn't really planning on this happening — not that I'm not glad that it did..." He pauses.

"But you live in New York, and I live here. And we just met,” Jo finishes.

"I don't know how things like this work these days," he says. He's looking at her with such sincerity that Jo thinks her heart might burst. "I told you I wanted to do this right. Dinner, flowers, the whole nine yards.”

Jo cocks her head to the side and smiles. "Let's start with dinner."

_____

They lay in silence for a while, Bucky's head resting on Jo's naked breasts, her fingers running through his hair. Jo's starting to think he's fallen asleep when Bucky speaks again.

“I should probably go,” Bucky says reluctantly. "Sam was expecting my help with the boat today."

"I'll drive you," Jo says. "Just let me get dressed."

"You don't have to do that. I can call a cab."

"Delacroix's, like, an hour outside the city. It'll cost a fortune. Let me drive you."

Bucky hesitates, but Jo nudges at his right shoulder gently until he agrees. He presses a soft kiss to her lips before he stands and offers her a hand. While Bucky moves into the bathroom to change back into his own boxers and jeans, Jo slips into her room. She comes back out wearing jeans and a vintage Lilith Fair t-shirt; she's traded her glasses for contacts. Jo shoves her feet into her combat boots at the door and turns back to kiss Bucky quickly before they leave the apartment.

_____

The drive to Delacroix is quiet except for Jo's Paul Simon playlist thrumming from the car speakers. Bucky thinks he might actually like the music. Or maybe he just likes listening to Jo sing every word.

When Jo pulls up outside Sarah's house, Bucky turns to her from the passenger seat. “I don’t have your number,” he says.

“Give me your phone," she responds, smiling and holding her hand out.

Bucky unlocks his phone and hands it over. Jo saves her number before texting herself so she has his, as well. She deletes the text conversation and hands his phone back.

"There you go, Sarge," she says with a wink.

Bucky leans across the car's console and wraps his vibranium hand around the back of Jo's neck. He pulls her close and presses his lips against hers gently. Jo responds by running her fingers across the stubble on Bucky's jaw and sweeping her tongue into his mouth. A moan rumbles through Bucky's chest, and he tries to move closer to Jo's body, but he knocks his knees roughly against the center divider.

"Shit," he curses, pulling away. "It was easier to kiss a dame in the front seat of a car in the '40s," Bucky complains.

Jo laughs. "Kissing a lot of dames in cars, were you?"

"I got around," Bucky says, a grin on his face.

He feels like himself around Jo – not exactly the person he was before the war, but close. He almost feels like he could be a better version of that man; he wants to be that for Jo. For now, though, it's easy to flirt and laugh with her, watch her eyes light up and her smile brighten.

"I believe it, Sarge," Jo teases. Over Bucky's shoulder, she notices Sam standing on the front porch of the house. "I think I've stolen you away from Sam long enough," she says.

"Please, doll, steal me away anytime," Bucky flirts. He kisses her once more. "I'll see you Tuesday," he whispers, his hand lingering on her cheek before he climbs out of the car.

“Looks like someone had a good night,” Sam laughs as Bucky ascends the front porch steps.

“We are not talking about this,” Bucky grumbles.

“Oh, we’re definitely talking about this,” Sam says, clapping Bucky on the back.

______

next chapter

[spooks-and-tea]

Entangled (Spencer Reid x femReader)

Summary: You don’t know how it happened. One moment you were watching Criminal Minds, and the next moment you were literally in the show. Can Spencer be the key to helping you find your way back home?

Warnings: minor character death, mentions of su*cide, bad explanations of quantum mechanics, sexual situations, the usual criminal minds-type content

A/N: wow I’ve been on this site for ages, nearly as long as Criminal Minds was on air, lol, but this is my first fic posted here. I plan to make this one into a few parts if people like it. If this has any relation to other fics it’s not intended. Literally just an idea that popped in my brain. I’ll also eventually add it to my wattpad .@ kittentastic

Word Count: 3,119

Chapter 1.  Chapter 2.  Chapter 3.  Chapter 4. Chapter 5.  Chapter 6.  Chapter 7. Chapter 8.  Chapter 9.  Chapter 10.  Chapter 11.

It was an average, lonely, autumn night. Halloween was nearing and you didn't have anywhere to be. Long estranged from the people you once called family, and friends, you were starting a new life in L.A.

Yeah, you were one of those small-town girls with big-city dreams. You wanted to be an actress, a dream your father had once encouraged. When he suddenly died, you had nothing left but a new step-mother who discouraged your dreams and was more than happy to disown you when you reached 18 years of age; a classic Cinderella story.

It had taken a while, getting yourself through university and saving up enough money to move out to L.A. Now you were 27 and living your dreams...partly. You worked at a coffee shop in Hollywood; a great way to meet people that could potentially cast you in a big production, but that plan had yet to come to fruition. Every audition would have someone else in mind for the part.

Today, you had finished yet another round of auditions for everything from small commercial bits to tv shows. You poured yourself a glass of red wine after finishing your microwavable meal-for-one dinner. Wine would always be your go-to drink after your dissappointing days, it was great at helping you sleep. You clicked on the tv and sipped your drink from your criss-crossed sitting position and soon found a Criminal Minds marathon that was just starting. It almost seemed like fate as tomorrow you had an audition lined up for the very same show.

You smiled as the bright, happy, Penelope Garcia came into the shot, followed by the rest of the BAU. You absentmindedly bit your lip as Dr. Spencer Reid came into frame.

Like a large percentage of the show's viewership, you found the handsome genius slipping into one or two of your fantasies. You may have daydreamed about the Dr. being a real person and walking into your workplace to order coffee and whisk you off your feet. You may have also woken up from a few dreams involving the handcuffs he was currently restraining an unsub with.

You wondered if you would get the part. Would it be odd having to pretend this dream-man was real? You'd hope you could contain your blushing around Matthew at least.

You finished your drink and stretched out on the couch, already feeling your eyes growing heavy. You found your mind wandering as you grew more and more tired, hardly paying attention to the episode. The last thought you had before you drifted off was, "what if Spencer Reid was a real person?"

Bright lights of assorted colors and shapes danced behind your tired eyes. You felt a tugging sensation that seemed to pull you from your core. It felt warm and safe, like it wanted to protect you. A hum grew louder and louder in your ear canal, followed by a crackling wind. It was like an electric storm. The smell of coffee and a woodsy vanilla filled whatever place you were in. It was odd, you knew this, but you weren't scared. Something told you this was right. Your body began to rise higher and higher until a loud snap echoed around you, shattering your surroundings.

"Whoa, sleeping on the job now Y/N? Did someone tire you out last night?" A woman's voice broke through the fog as your mind caught up with you.

Wait, am I still dreaming? That voice...it sounds like...

"Pretty Boy, you wanna check her for a pulse?"

And that is definitely...

"I-I don't think that's necessary."

You slowly lifted your head and opened your eyes wide. Your blurred vision slowly grew used to the bright indoor lighting. Your eyes widened as you saw none other than JJ, Morgan, and Reid. Yes, the fictional characters were standing in front of you.

How was this even possible? You had to be dreaming, or maybe you were forgetting and you were at a very strange audition. Yes, that had to be it, logically.

"Good morning Sleeping Beauty. Rough night? I didn't think Reid's Doctor Who nights were that wild, I might have to tag along and chaperone you two next time." Morgan greeted with a teasing smirk.

"How late did you two go for last night?" JJ asked, leaning against the desk that you had been sleeping on, and sipping her coffee.

She directed the question to you, but you didn't remember this dialogue in the audition script. When you didn't answer, Spencer spoke up.

"She texted me when she got home safe at 9:43pm. I made sure she left early as the rain was starting up. Now, of course, she could have stayed up longer, but we continued to exchange texts until she texted me goodnight at 10:15pm."

"Goodnight texts? Remind me and JJ here why you two aren't dating again?" Morgan crossed his arms looking between you and Spencer.

You blinked, taking a chance to finally look around. There were no cameras in sight. Above you was a tiled ceiling with office lighting. No directors or normal-looking crew members were around.

"Matthew?" You asked, directing your question to a stuttering, red-faced Reid.

Everyone turned their attention back to you. Reid, or Matthew, raised his eyebrow at you. And turned to look if anyone was standing behind him that you could be talking to.

"Who is Matthew, Y/N?" He asks, cautiously.

Oh my god. I must be dreaming.

You stood up and slowly reached out to Reid, who was standing closest to you. You gently poked his cheek. He looked almost afraid at your actions.

"Spencer?" You lower your shaky hand. He felt real, he was standing in front of you. You could smell his morning coffee.

"Yeah?"

"Pinch me."

"What? Why?"

"So I know that I'm not dreaming." You could feel his eyes prodding you, profiling.

"Maybe we should get you to a doctor-"

You grabbed his wrist and placed his hand on your upper arm.

"Pinch me. Hard."

Spencer winced as he did what you asked of him. He obviously did not want to hurt you. You felt your nerves fire off in pulses of pain where he pinched. You sharply inhaled and he immediately dropped his hand.

"Oh my god," you stammered, "ohmygodohmygodohmygod."

This is real. Spencer Reid is real.

You slid back down in your chair and looked at an open mouthed JJ and Morgan, staring at you in shock.

"What kind of kinky shit are you two into?" Morgan narrowed his eyes at Reid.

"This is no time for teasing Derek. I think she's suffering from a concussion." JJ reached out, concerned, feeling your forehead for a fever.

"She doesn't have any visible signs of bruising. Y/N do you remember hitting your head on anything, or experiencing whiplash today?" Reid, growing serious turned your chair towards him, raking his fingers through your hair to check your scalp for any tender spots.

For a moment you had to stop yourself from sighing, it just felt nice, and it was Spencer.

"No I'm-I'm fine, my head feels fine." You answered.

"What's the last thing you remember doing?"

You bit your lip, should you answer him truthfully? How would you even explain something so illogical.

"I-I remember. I fell asleep on the couch watching tv." In a different reality.

"Do you think it's possible you rolled off of the couch in your sleep?"

You frowned to yourself.

"It's possible."

It's never happened before, but you suppose it would explain things. This was definitely a hallucination. Maybe it was one of those Spencer-centric dreams.

"Spence, I think you should take Y/N to the hospital. I'll cover for you with Hotch." JJ suggested.

Spencer nodded in agreement while Morgan looked worriedly at you. JJ got up from the desk to seek out Hotch in his office.

"Do you have your keys?" Spencer asked, still looking you over.

"Um-" you checked your pockets and sure enough found a ring of keys in your pants pocket. You dropped them into Spencer's outstretched hand.

"Can you walk?" Spencer's voice went softer.

You shivered as you did whenever you heard that tone on the show. He could make a living doing ASMR with that voice.

You stood with Spencer's unneeded, but much appreciated, help. He seemed to have no problem holding your hands to help you, something you considered to be out of character for the germaphobic Dr. Reid. Then again, the show did not go this long without it's occasional inconsistencies. Was your subconscious hallucination really thinking these things out?

You followed him to the elevator with ease, taking in your surroundings as you went. As the elevator doors closed, Spencer frowned at you once again.

"Your pupils have been dilated since you woke up." He spoke.

Yeah probably because the attractive genius I've been dreaming of for years is vividly realistic and talking to me.

"Is that a sign of head trauma?"

"Actually yes, you could be experiencing a sensitivity to light as a result of your head trauma. If that's the case, then you're in luck because it's been raining all day."

You followed Spencer out to your car, or at least you thought it was your car. You didn't exactly own one before dropping into this hallucination world. You were saving up for one, but didn't really need it as you lived close to your job and took public transit when you needed to go further distances. This car was nice, you supposed the dream BAU job payed well.

Spencer drove you to the hospital and waited in the waiting room as you received a full check up and MRI. You hoped he wasn't too bored waiting. As the doctor returned with your results you asked if Spencer could come in to hear the diagnosis. The doctor asked if he was family and you lied saying he was your fiancé. The doctor really didn't seem to care and Spencer was allowed in. He looked confident, prepared to discuss anything scientific that you may not understand yourself.

"Well Y/N, after reviewing your MRI scans and testing results, I can confidently assure you that you are perfectly healthy. We can order some blood tests for you if you wish, but from the concussion symptoms you thought you had, and from the results I have in front of me, I don't believe they are necessary." The doctor said with a smile, probably just happy to be delivering some good news.

"That can't be right." You shook your head and frowned.

"Y/N was clearly exhibiting fatigue, light sensitivity, memory loss, and confusion at work. If she's not concussed, what is wrong with her?" Spencer asked.

"I'd say your fiancé is simply experiencing the effects of exhaustion and a lack of sleep. My advice? Take her home and let her rest."

Spencer firmly shut his mouth as the doctor said "fiancé."

The doctor turned to you. "If you'd like, I can perscribe you a sleeping sedative."

You shook your head "no." You couldn't believe it; you'd slept at a reasonable hour, and you didn't feel fatigued.

Everything was starting to feel so real. The warmth of Spencer sitting so close to you felt real. The rain that fell on your skin felt real. The medicinal scent of the hospital made your feel sick. You could only think of one final way to try to wake up.

"Spencer can you stop somewhere for me?" You asked as he drove you home.

"Sure."

"Is there a lake near by?"

"Yeah...you don't remember? You've jogged on the trails near it with JJ and Morgan."

"Can you take me there? There's something I need to do."

You were beginning to grow used to the worried look on his face. The way his eyes softened reminded you of a puppy.

Suddenly, a thought occurred to you. If this was a dream concocted by your brain, wouldn't Spencer be a bit more romantic? In your dreams he could range from a hardcore, post-prison, genius, bad boy to a nerdy romantic, but he was always, obviously, interested in you right away. This Spencer seemed to be your friend, just your friend. By now he would've usually confessed his undying love and maybe taken you in the back seat of your car. Yeah, you weren't the most creative person. What kind of dream was this?

You felt a blush coming on as Spencer side-eyed you. Your brain would never torture you with a long-con, would it?

Spencer took you to the lake, walking beside you without a word, most likely thinking you were going crazy and in need of sleep. You walked to the edge of the trail and looked down at the lake. It was a ways down, the point you were standing was more like a cliff. You determined that the water must have been about a 6 second drop down for someone your size

"Y/N, why did you want me to take you out here?" Spencer asked as he eyed the waters below.

You stayed silent as you took a few steps back. You took a deep breath, and before you could second-guess yourself, you ran to the edge of the cliff and jumped.

"Y/N!" Was the last, panicked thing you heard before the body of water came rushing towards you.

Your body submerged in the icy cold water and sunk deep down from the speed at which you fell. All you could hear was the echoing pressure of the water against your eardrums. This was your last resort. You knew if anything could wake you up, it would be this, your biggest fear.

Your father had drowned, he worked on a fisherman's boat and a storm had overturned the ship far out in the ocean. All that had been recovered was assorted pieces of the ship's wreckage. You'd never even had the chance to learn how to swim as the fear had already settled in before your step-mother could arrange lessons.

If you could drown in this confusing dream-world, maybe you would wake up in time for your Criminal Minds audition.

Your lungs protested as you let yourself sink. You closed your eyes and let your muscles relax. Your head screamed at you, telling you that you absolutely should not be doing this. Fear prickled at your skin. Why did this feel like you were actually dying?

A heartbeat later, you heard the water's surface explode above you, but you didn't have the strength to look up. Your brain processed something wrapping around you and tugging you up, but you could not open your eyes to see what it was. You held on to your last bit of consciousness as you breeched the surface of the water and felt the chilly air assault your skin.

Arms pulled you somewhere. Your body was dragged up something solid, the backs of your legs scraped against rocks. It must have been land. Hands applied pressure, pushing like a heartbeat against your center, you could hardly feel it. A hand held your mouth open while another pinched your nose closed. Lips pushed, rushed, against your own as air was forced back into you. The hand left your mouth and returned to pumping.

"Come on. Come back to me Y/N. Please." Pleading followed by more air.

The strange entity repeated the process once more before you felt everything come up, forcing you back to reality.

You coughed and choked up water and bile; the rain washed it all away. Your lungs were aching and your skin was ice cold. The only warmth was what lingered from the person's lips. A hand pat and rubbed your back, helping you cough up everything. When it was all over your whole body was shivering. Your muscles gave out and a pair of arms wrapped around you, holding you up.

"Y/N."

You weakly turned your head.

Spencer. He's still here. He's really here.

He was soaked, hair ringlets stuck to his face, and his eyes were rimmed red. He looked like an angel, hand carved by Michelangelo himself.

Your brain was trying to catch up with his words.

"Y/N, I need to get you back to the car before we both go into hypothermia. Can you walk?" He asked through chattering teeth.

Your throat was killing you, so you opted for just shaking your head "no" in response.

"I'll have to carry you then, okay?"

You nodded, doubtful he could, especially in his weakened state.

He stood, grabbing his bearings before scooping you up. You weakly held his neck and lay your head on his shoulder. Your pain was numbed, you knew, from the biting cold.

Spencer managed to carry you all the way back to the car, placing you gently in the backseat and turning the heat all the way up. He climbed in the backseat with you and began to remove his jacket and tie.

"We have to remove our clothes, they're soaking wet and we have to warm up. Do you need me to help you undress?" There was no hint of teasing or slyness in Spencer's voice. He was completely serious and you knew he was right.

"I-I can't. Everything is numb." You managed to croak out, wincing at the pain it brought your throat.

"Alright, um- I'll only remove your shirt and pants."

You nodded, weakly.

Spencer removed his own shirt before carefully lifting yours over your head. He made sure to keep his eyes on your face as much as possible and not linger his gaze anywhere else. Next he removed your shoes, socks, and peeled your pants down your legs. You managed to arch your back slightly to help him. Lastly, he removed his own pants and threw all the clothes in a pile on the floor of you car.

"I'm going to hold you now, if that's alright. We need each other's body heat." Spencer looked less confident now. You managed to nod a "yes."

If you weren't so close to death, you knew your brain would be shorting out at the thought of being held by a half-naked, and very real, Spencer Reid.

He helped you lay down across the seats and settled in next to you. He wrapped his arms around you and rubbed his hands along your shoulders and back in an effort to warm you and massage your tensed muscles.

A few minutes of this went by before you could finally move. You wrapped your arms around Spencer, holding him close as his body warmed your own, and you cried against his chest.

One thought repeated over and over again in your head.

This is real.

You worked for the BAU and Spencer Reid had just saved your life. 

Next Chapter

[katecarteir]

i took too many hits off this memory (i need to come down)

pairing: eddie kaspbrak/richie tozier [reddie]  rating: teen audiences and up chapter warnings: mentions of past drug abuse, mentions of past child abuse in terms of s*nia kaspbrak, mentions of minor character death/near death word count: 3,515 chapter count: 4 of ? summary: Eddie Kaspbrak doesn’t remember much from his childhood. He doesn’t really know he doesn’t remember. He also doesn’t know why he’s so drawn this terrible comedian on tv, but when Eddie runs into him in a bar, and they spend the night together, Eddie’s life is changed forever. It’s finally back on track- and he doesn’t know anything about it

read on ao3. moodboard by @isaacslaheys​​

perma taglist: @jwilliambyers​, @stebbins​, @isaacslaheys​, @s-s-georgie​, @transrich​@eddiefuckinkaspbrak​, @edstozler​, @emgays​, @anellope​, @thorn-harvester-ven​, @wheezyeds​, @vipertooth​, @tozierking​​, @billdenbrough​​, @starrystoziers​​, @trashmouthtozierr​​, @willelbyers​​  @loserslibrary​​ (let me know if you want added!)

June 5 2009

Richie wasn’t sure how to tell his manager that he didn’t want to do stand up anymore. That maybe he’d never really wanted to do stand up. He liked making people laugh, and he vaguely remembered wanting to be a vanquilist when he was a kid but he’d never been able to stop his mouth from moving with the words. It was fitting that now, Richie’s job was almost just exclusively moving his mouth. Richie had gotten terrifyingly good at walking on stage, flicking off his brain and transforming into Trashmouth™. That had long since stopped bothering him, but as his career took off, Richie found himself having to be Trashmouth™ more and more and Richie less and less. He was suddenly surrounded by people who only really saw him as the foul mouthed, sex crazed misogynist his ghost writers had him portrayed as on stage. They’d promised him that kind of shit sold, and they’d been right, but suddenly all his friends actually thought and spoke like Trashmouth™ and it made him queasy. He could only handle sitting through so many homophobic and sexist conversations before he felt Richie would melt right out of him and Trashmouth™ would be all that was left of him. He couldn’t let that happen… he just didn’t know how to tell anybody. 

He was doing a string of shows in Georgia, because Richie’s shows always sold better the further south he went. Richie hated the South, and not just because of his whole bisexuality thing, but because the weather sucked, the accents annoyed him and Richie Tozier did not belong anywhere where the potential of rodeo or circus existed. (Richie Tozier didn’t know anything about the Southern United States). 

Richie had been born in Maine, one of the coldest states in this god forsaken country, and in 1992 his family had moved up north of the border. Richie had come back to the United States after university, because everybody told him that he would be better off getting a job in show business in America rather than Canada. He hadn’t been totally sure that was true, but he’d gotten successful pretty quickly after moving back down here so he wasn’t about to argue it. 

“I don’t know what you’re upset about.” Audra Phillips, one of Richie’s few true friends, was saying to him while packing up Richie’s hotel room. He was so ready to leave the Devil behind, and get started on his break. He was fully debating on going to Canada to see his parents, it had been too long and every phone conversation with his mom felt like a guilty knife to the chest, but Richie had things he needed to take care of.

“You’ve been doing this for years, Rich.” Audra carried on, scowling at one Richie’s ratty overshirts before tossing it directly into the hotel bedside garbage. “You’re good at it, you’re making great money, you get to stay in the nicest hotels and see the country. What else could you possibly want? You’re doing things most people dream of.”

Richie huffed out an aggravated breath. “You’re telling me you never think of leaving all this behind? Not even when paparazzi follow you around the grocery store or TMZ leaks half truths that destroy your relationships.” 

Audra crossed her arms over her chest. “First of all, no, I don’t. I’m living my dreams, Richie, that’s more than most people can say! And when was the last time Paparazzi followed you anywhere? Never? What’s really bugging you out, Richie?”

“I don’t know,” Richie said, only half-lying. “It’s like… sure, I’m doing great financially, and it’s nice that people want to see my shows but it’s not like they actually like me. The person they’re coming to see is basically the anti Richie. If I come out, I will lose all my fans because they’re a bunch of homophobic asstwats because that’s the audience I have to cater to.”

“Are you thinking of coming out?” Audra asked.

“Not like… tomorrow, but someday, yeah.” Richie said quietly. “I’m not going to live my life in the closet. It’s not like it’s the 1980s anymore. Honestly, if it wasn’t for my shows and how coming out would basically make all my content unuseable, I probably would have come out already. Or at least not been so hard on sneaking around.”

Audra dropped down on the hotel bed and smiled sadly up at him. “You shouldn’t have to live a lie forever, Richie, but you’ve got to be reasonable about this, too. You can’t just up and quit, you know that. You’re on a contract, Steve will not hesitate to sue the fuck out of you if you try to skimp out-” 

“My contract ends with this tour,” Richie said. “That’s why I’ve been thinking about it so much, they’re trying to get me to sign  on for another three years and I just… I’m 30, Auds. I don’t want to spend another three years of my life touring around to states to hate, telling jokes I don’t relate to and letting people think I can for things that I don’t. I hate that people can use my acts to justify their bullshit, you know? Three more years of that would literally make me want to kill myself.”

Audra froze for a moment, then shook her head. “If you’re having thoughts again then we can-”

“No.” Richie snapped. “It’s not like that, and before you ask- no, I’m not using anymore. I’m not going down any sort of self destructive path. I’m just… tired. I’m 30, and I’m in the closet and I’m tired.” 

Audra nodded slowly. “Okay, then here’s what you’ve got to do, then. Go to talk to somebody at your bank today before you head out, just see what you’re looking at financially. Figure out how long you can bank on your ass without working while you figure out what you want to do. Then go home and see your momma, because she probably misses you, and tell Steve that you will give them an answer to resigning when you get back.”

“And what if I don’t want to come back?” Richie asked quietly.

“Then you don’t have to.” Audra said simply. “But Steve the bullshit excuse anyway. It’ll get you across the border way easier then if you tell him that you tell him to go fuck himself and that his biggest profit client is leaving him.”

There was only one branch of Richie’s bank in Atlanta, and Richie took a moment to appreciate Steve’s power as he was ushered through the bank and immediately back to meet with one of their accountants. The man on the other side of the desk wore a simple grey suit with the jacket draped over the back of his chair. His white button up shirt was rolled up to his elbows, and his hair was in tight, proper brown curls around his head. He was, in short, somebody who usually made Richie’s mouth water just at the sight but for some reason, he wasn’t attracted to the man despite how his energy put Richie immediately at ease.

STANLEY URIS, according to the sign on his desk, gave Richie a polite smile. “So, Mr. Tozier, what can we help you with today?”

Richie let out a long, slow sigh. “I’m gonna be honest with you. I’m here because I wanna quit my job, but my best friend told me that I should make sure that isn’t the world’s worst idea ever.”

Stanley Uris chuckled, and clicked on a few things on his computer. “I’m not usually prone to telling people to quit their jobs, but based on your accounts here, you’d be able to make due for at least a year if not more on your savings only. Permitting you don’t go around making any outrageous and sentrous purchases. Basic costs of living wouldn’t be a concern for a while.”

Richie had already known that, mostly. He’d only agreed to come here to soothe Audra’s nerves. Money hadn’t been a concern of Richie’s in many years, but it was nice to know he’d be okay for a while while he figured out what it was he wanted from life. What he could do. 

Stanley turned in his chair and met Richie’s gaze with a wiry look. “I’m not prone to getting involved with my consults personal lives, but I have to ask Mr Tozier- why are you thinking of quitting your job? I won’t pretend your particular brand of comedy is up my alley, but you seem to have made a name for yourself in the business. Is it wise of you to walk away now?”

Richie blinked. “I don’t know anything about what’s wise or what isn’t, I never have. But I do know that this name I’ve made for myself, like you said, isn’t the name I want to carry forever. It isn’t me, and I guess I want the world to see me for who I am now.” 

“Well.” Stanley’s lips twitched up in a hint of smile. “As you inquired, you’d certainly be able to make due for a quite a while figuring out what it is you want your name to be, Mr. Tozier. And a piece of advice, if I may?” Richie nodded. “There’s nothing wrong with trying to find yourself, Richie. I went through most of my life mocked for who I was, or who I hung around, or what my religious beliefs were. And it stung for a long time, but I’m glad that I stuck it out. I’m a loser and I always fucking will be. It’s often not worth it to put on a mask and pretend all the time. Be who you want to be, be proud.” 

Richie definitely was not tearing up in the middle of a bank office. This strange accountant had somehow struck something deep within Richie that not even his trained therapist or NA sponsors had ever been able to reach. Almost like he knew… but that wasn’t possible.

“Yeah.” Richie said through a voice crack. “Thanks, Stan the Man. I’ll do that.”

Richie made a quick exit from the bank, truly worried for a moment that he might begin to cry in the middle of this poor man’s office. He made a rushed phone call to Steve, just Audra had advised, telling him that he needed some time to clear his head and he was going back to Canada for the short while between legs of his stand up tour. That he’d have an answer for Steve regarding his contract when he got back. Steve hadn’t been thrilled with the whole thing, but Richie supposed he was thankful that it wasn’t a straight up no. Previous attempts at negotiation hadn’t looked good, and Richie knew that. 

As Richie was getting onto the plane, his phone buzzed. He pulled it out, ready to turn the device off as he boarded and he frowned at the notification. Steve had said he was going to give Richie the space he’d requested and he usually waited a couple days before he broke those promises.

Hey Richie. I know you said you needed time but SNL is interested in signing you as a full time cast member when your tour is over. Call me when you land. -Steve. 

“Aren’t you worried about the cold?” Eddie Kaspbrak asked, legs draped over Richie’s in the front steps of the Tozier house. It was nearly completely packed up, the family only waiting for the school year to finish out before they took off. They wouldn’t even be staying for the summer. Eddie wished he’d known that last summer was truly going to be their last summer. 

“Why would I be worried about the cold?” Richie replied with a snort. “We live in Maine, Eddie boy! I’m used to the cold by now.”

Eddie wrinkled his nose and smacked Richie in the shoulder. “In the winter, sure! But Canada- That’s winter all year ‘round, isn’t it? Won’t you miss swimming and shorts? How are people supposed to know that you have terrible fashion sense if you have to dress in parkas all year long?”

Richie laughed, and it made Eddie’s heart flutter in his chest. “Canada has four seasons just like every other country, Eds! My momma says that their summers can even get pretty hot. It’s not a land of make belief, or anything. Why are you hating on it so bad?”

“I’m not hating on anything.” But Eddie thought maybe he did hate Canada, a little bit. He hated that Richie was moving to Canada, a whole other country. It was hard enough when Beverly moved to Portland and Ben moved to another state. Another country might as well be an entire other world. Mike believed that the further people got away from Derry, the more they forgot and Eddie was having a particularly hard time thinking about Richie forgetting him while possibly living in a snowbank.

“Stop.” Richie suddenly groaned. He reached out and shook Eddie’s shoulders. “Stop thinking so damn hard, you’re making my head hurt. I don’t wanna think about it, and I don’t want you thinking about it! We can’t stop it, so can we please just spend the next month having fun and being us and NOT thinking about it?”

Eddie sighed and in a moment of weakness, dropped his head down to rest on Richie’s shoulders. He knew they were out in the open, that anybody could walk past and just… see them like this. It wasn’t safe, but for the moment, Eddie didn’t care. Derry was already hell, and nothing could make it worse than Richie leaving. 

“I’m not trying to dwell on it.” Eddie said quietly, curling up into Richie’s side fully. “I’m not, it’s just…”

“Nah, yeah, I get it.” Richie wrapped an arm around Eddie’s shoulder and jostled him slightly. “But there’s no sense stressing about the things we can’t control, you know? Life in the moment, Eddie my love!” 

Eddie exhaled hard. “Richie… I need to tell you something.” 

August 10 2009

Eddie Kaspbrak hated airports. There was something about the energy in the place that just made Eddie feel wild and horrible. He always drove himself, always. No matter how many times people told him that flying was safer than driving, that it was stupid to drive across country when flying could get him somewhere within a day. Eddie Kaspbrak hadn’t flown since 1999 on a forced family vacation with his mother and aunts. Until today. 

Eddie would much rather be making the drive to Derry rather than getting on a plane at JFK but his aunt Darlene had insisted that Eddie fly out to Bangor, that six hours was much too long. His mother might not last that long, and Eddie would so regret it if he wasn’t there with her when she passed. Eddie wasn’t sure if that was true, but he’d bought the last minute plane ticket anyway. He wasn’t too sure what a difference five hours would make, but it was never worth it arguing with his mother or his aunts. 

From what Aunt Darlene had told him, Sonia Kaspbrak was as good as gone already. A stroke, late last night. The doctors weren’t hopeful for any recovery, or even for the woman to regain consciousness. It left a sick feeling in Eddie’s stomach, thinking of his mother in a hospital bed, as good as gone and being kept alive by machines. It made him feel even sicker to know that it was exactly how she’d want to go, holding onto life and sucking up resources and doctor’s time right up until the very end. Eddie had kept his mother at a distance as much as possible since leaving home for college, and in the last two years he hadn’t spoken to her at all. He’d felt no desire to. She’d made his life hard, so much harder than it had ever needed to be. He was certain that if it hadn’t been for her, he would have come out long before he did. Myra would never have happened. To this day, at 30 years old, Eddie was still trying to figure out what things are true and what are lies from her influence. He wasn’t sure he ever wasn’t going to fuck up from her, and maybe she didn’t deserve him by her bedside at all. Kay had told him that she didn’t, that Eddie shouldn’t put himself through it. He didn’t owe her a goddamn thing, and Eddie knew she was right.

Eddie Kaspbrak hated airports, he hated flying, he hated goddamn Maine and he fucking hated his mother. His plane was going to start to board any minute and Eddie was still sitting in the waiting area with his emergency overnight bag tightly in his grip. He was rapidly running out of time to make good on this plane ticket that he’d bought on his messley cab driver salary. 

“Well, I’ll be damned.” A familiar voice carried over to Eddie through the waiting room. “Is that Eddie fucking Kaspbrak?”

Eddie turned in his seat, and grinned when he noticed none other than Richie Tozier walking towards him. His clothes were rumbled and he had a five o’clock shadow around his jaw that made Eddie’s stomach tighten. It was almost weird how little Richie Tozier crossed his mind, despite how intense his reaction was every time he saw him or even thought about him for too long. 

“Richie Tozier,” Eddie said slowly, face breaking into a grin. He stood and walked over to Richie, with his overnight slung over his shoulder. “Back in the world of the living I see. I think your fans were starting to think you died somewhere.”

“Awe, Eds. You been keeping tabs on lil ol’ me?” Richie chuckled, reaching out to pinch at Eddie’s cheeks. “No need to worry, Eddie boy. I was merely taking some me time in the great white North. My parents live in Canada, I went to visit them and clear my head.” 

Eddie’s chest twinged. “Well, welcome back to civilization then, I guess.”

“You’ve always been Canadianphobic huh, Eds?” Richie laughed but Eddie frowned deeply.

“What do you mean always?” 

Eddie and Richie looked at each other for a long moment, before Richie shook his head. “I don’t know, you just strike me as the type, I guess. What are you doing here? You don’t really strike me as the flying type.”

Eddie shuddered. “God, I’m not.” He said honestly. “But my mom is dying or some shit, and my aunt is pitching some drama fit about how a six hour car drive is too long so I have to take the plane.” 

Richie froze for a moment, mouth half open and eyes wide. Eddie braced himself for the evitable awkward apologies and sympathies that always came with the whole dead parent card. 

“That sucks man.” Richie said finally, with a shrug. “You going back to Derry all by yourself?”

Eddie had given up on trying to figure out how Richie just seemed to know things about him. It wasn’t even that weird anymore. “Yeah.” He answered with a sigh. “If I get my shit together and actually catch my plane. I’m cutting it pretty close.”

“Well…” Richie gave Eddie a soft smile. “If you didn’t want to take the trip alone, I’m not doing anything interesting. I’m supposed to be settling into my new apartment but that’s boring and I think it would be way more to go back to Derry with you and wreak havoc on your aunts.” 

“You’re moving to New York?” Eddie asked with wide eyes. He tried not to think about how a big reason he and Richie had never really been together was the constant distance and Richie’s travelling. He wasn’t sure Richie had even had a home before. 

“Yeah.” Richie suddenly seemed embarrassed. “I was trying to get out of the whole stand up game, and my manager got me a steady gig on Saturday Night Live.” 

“SNL?” Eddie gasped. “Richie! That’s huge! Congratulations!”

Richie’s cheeks reddened. “Thanks, man. But I’m serious about the offer. It’s no skin off my back at all. We can go see if they have tickets left, how many people could possibly be going to fucking Maine?”

Eddie should say no. It couldn’t bring Richie home with him, to his crazy aunts and his dead mother. To Derry at all. Eddie barely remembered Derry, outside of spending almost all his time locked up in his bedroom. But he remembered enough to know that it was a horrible place, almost like it was permanently stuck in the 1950s and there was something… evil about that place. Just thinking of it made Eddie’s palms sweat and knees shake. But on the other hand…

“It wouldn’t be good for our friendship for me to reject you twice at this stupid airport.” Eddie said, forcing his voice to be light. “Let’s go.” 

[ba-mi-soro-orisha]

when youre done recovering id love to hear your thoughts on the book(even if the post ends up being almost as long lmao)

Buckle up, y’all, cause this is going DEEP INTO SPOILERS. This is my no-holds-barred take on Children of Virtue and Vengeance!

SPOILER WARNING

SPOILER WARNING

SPOILER WARNING

.

If you read any further past this, CoVaV is gonna be majorly spoiled for you. This is your last warning.

.

Okay, I gotta open with a minor - but really the only - critique I had about CVV: we know Tomi was rushed in finishing the book in time for the third pushed back date, and the book kinda reads like it. Book 1, I felt like we got a lot more detail and getting to know characters and buildup of the plot. Book 2, it felt like we were just rushing to get through all the action planned. There wasn’t very much in between downtime, which resulted in not only a kinda rushed book with way more plot than pages, but also a very emotionally devastating book. 

Which leads me to: I feel like the central theme of CoBaB was more “hope”, while in CoVaV it was straight up “conflict”. And there was no recovery time. Even the precious few hopeful times that were in the book, I didn’t really have time to process or chill or cope. I always knew something worse was coming, which is what made this such a raw read. I do think the book could have benefited from giving us a little more hope. Like three-quarters of the way through, I had to keep thinking back to CBB and how I felt reading it and hoping there would be more hopeful and optimistic feelings in book 3. I couldn’t put the book down, but as a result, I pretty much just sobbed through the last fourth (at least) of the book, finished the book, sat in shock, and then went to bed. This book literally exhausted me. What a godsdamned ride.

I completely get why the book was like this, even if it wasn’t as a result of being rushed, but I feel a little more for the readers to balance it out helps us survive, lol.

That aside, there was SO MUCH in this book, I have SO MANY feelings!!!

Firstly, the worldbuilding was GREAT. I loved the new insight we got on magic. I totally didn’t realize frm book 1 that tîtans and maji were different and used magic differently for the most part.

With the direction of the ending, I’m not sure Tomi will go in this direction, but I’d like to know more about these differences. Why is it that chants can work for tîtans but maji can only use magic through chants? Is it just most effective? Will we discover they can use raw magic in book 3? I HAVE QUESTIONS.

Learning about the maji clan setups was also really interesting, but I have to admit it threw me for a bit of a loop referring to the leaders as elders and then they were all children. xP

Also, I’m really glad Tomi listened and gave us queer characters. I love Nâo and Khani. Powerful leader girlfriends? HELL YEAH.

I think this book made it really clear that Zélie x Amari is not end game and will not happen. I know a lot of people were/still are hopeful for that, but I think there’s just too much set up that says otherwise. They love each other, but imo they firmly think of each other as family. I’m going to put my stock in our canon queer couple and support them 10,000%.

Next big one: FUCKING HELL INAN STILL BEING ALIVE, I AM REALLY NOT HAPPY. I didn’t check out the chapters in the table of contents, so I didn’t have the forewaring to see that Inan was getting perspective chapters again, so it took my by quite a bit of surprise. A lot of you called that Inan would still be alive, but I honestly so prefer “dead means dead” in stories (otherwise, I find deaths are used too much for shock value and it just devalues the overall story and plot) that I had myself convinced he really was dead. He got a convincing death scene. Listen, if you kill off a character, I am going to grieve them. It is not going to be the same if you bring them back. I will have completely detached feelings for them and have to form a whole new relationship and perspective on them, and I am always going to keep them at a distanced because they were dead, I saw it happen, and there is no going back.

But no. BAM! He’s not only alive but Zélie is the one to wake him from his connector coma. Not happy. I really feel that Inan’s story played out in CoBaB. It’s interesting that I’ve seen some real anti-Inan folk feeling more sympathy for Inan in this book, while I’ve talked about feeling that Inan was a really compelling villain in book 1, but I’ve got much more negative feelings towards him throughout book 2.  (And also why the hell should Inan get to come back but all these little maji kids - Zulaikha and Mazeli, c’mon - die and die for real??? It feels very cheap and very shock value to me. I don’t know if it was like some statement on privilege or Tomi just didn’t want to be done with Inan, but yeah.)

Honestly, the way Inan and Amari think in this book is so similar, and I found it so fucking conceited and narrow-minded. My view on both of them went down in this book. They just kept talking about how they have to be so selfish and they’re the only ones who can see things for how they are and how damn much they sacrifice and how tired they are because it’s up to them to sacrifice everything. Like!!! GUYS. No.

From the beginning when the CVV summary was released, I was wary of the plot focusing on Amari leading the people. It’s one of those things like: the system is not broken. It’s functioning exactly as it intends to. The monarchy has evolved to uphold a class system where diviners and maji are at the bottom. That’s what it wants to be doing. Can you really effectively change the system by accepting the system as your basis for change? Maybe it’s time to deconstruct the system and build something better. Not just put a royal back on the throne and think that’s gonna go smoothly.

And that’s exactly what happened here. They tried to use the system to buck the system and everything collapsed around them.

But I’m getting a little off topic - fixing a system of bigotry and oppression that your people built is not a sacrifice. You are still in the position of power here.

And Inan’s little bit where he thinks he’s so good and pure and better than his father because he offers the maji a place in society if they bend to his rules and follow him when the other option is that he will murder them had me wanting to tear my hair out. “Follow me or perish” is not a compromise. It’s not improvement. It’s literally a threat. And then when the maji don’t take this offer, Inan takes this as a sign that his mother was right and they can’t trust the maji to make the right decisions!?!?

Ugh. I was just done. I know all the factors of why I originally had sympathy for Inan are still there, and they largely control how he acts and thinks in CVV. (What he really needs for character growth and development is to be away from toxic influences and given time to grieve and work on figuring himself out. Not thrust into a position of power with his mother holding all the strings.) So, for me, Inan’s character really hit a wall, always getting stuck in the same patterns. And so now I feel less sympathy for him and find his story less compelling.

I honestly found Inan’s cousin, Ojore, really interesting. I think it could have been a really compelling story if somehow Ojore was allowed to take up the throne. WIth his background, being there in the burner attack that killed Saran’s father, he had a lot of backstory that we could have explored. And Tomi still could have revealed that it was Nehanda that manipulated things and let the burners in to encourage the war and the genocide against maji. Without Inan, we could have really gotten to explore how Ojore would react to that while on the throne. He could have potentially gone through the character development that Inan will never really get to see. Instead of him being killed pretty much immediately after he learns the truth behind his family’s death and the attack on him.

That being said, I do respect Inan’s decision to give up his position in the end. I think the whole “I’ll let your murder me” and Zélie apparently going to go through this was a little… contrived. But at least Inan did pull it out in the end. It will be interesting to see how these last moments between Inan and Zélie come into play in the next book. I’m assuming either Inan has been taken with the rest or will mount a rescue to go after them, so you know we’re going to get more on how this relationship develops. 

(I think with Tzain done with Amari right now, Amari and Inan trying to navigate a new siblingship with each other will be a more interesting relationship than Inan x Zélie, and I would look forward to getting to see these sibs talk and get to actually be there for each other like they never have before.)

And since I just went through Inan, let’s go ahead and talk about Amari.

Oh, Amari.

Amari, Amari, Amari.

GIRL. Why did it take you this entire book to realize that making decisions based off of what your father would have done was the wrong damn thing to do!?!?!? Omg, we all knew that was gonna crash and burn on you. The entire purpose of overthrowing your father’s rule was to not do things his way because his way was cruel and malicious. smdh

I was still rooting for Amari throughout the book. I am still rooting for Amari, but damn. She sure did try to make it hard doing things like going back on promises right after she made them (forcing Zélie to teach her chants that didn’t belong to her and then immediately using them on a maji) and acting like she new better than all the maji (I agree that just wanting to kill all the nobles and other peoples wasn’t a feasible plan, but GIRL. These are a traumatized, hunted people. They’re going to be angry, especially right in the thick of a war. Strongarming your way into a position of power over them is not going to make them feel any better about you or bring about peace. It’s just going to show them that they cannot trust you). And her move at the end? Sacrificing Zélie and all those people in that village? Being willing to murder them all? … If killing her father fucked her up, what’s this going to do? I still have faith in her. I want her to come back from this. But she’s going to have to majorly confront her own feelings and actions and work very hard to come back from this. Though, I have a feeling that she’ll mostly get forgiven in the next book because bigger and worse things will happen and they’ll have to come together, regardless of how they feel about each other.

Amari’s realization in the end when she decides she doesn’t have to kill her mother (uh… was I the only one expecting some sort of Avatar moment like when Aang took away Ozai’s bending? Like… Nehanda is still a threat… this part of the story can’t just be over) and that killing her father just fucked her up kinda made me feel ashamed for feeling so proud of her when she did kill Saran in CBB. Like, it was just such a powerful moment, and I think too many (simple “good vs evil”) stories fall prey to poor and simplistic messages like “killing in self-defense is evil and makes the good people as bad as the villains”. But it’s just been weighing on Amari this whole time and fucking her up, and now I feel bad. =(

Speaking of Amari feeling bad, though: Ramaya. The connector Amari beat for connector elder.

I hope either Inan was taken with everybody else or Amari will connect with him via their connector-sibling connection. It seems incredibly likely that Ramaya is stuck in her dreamscape similarly to how Inan was stuck in his before Zélie somehow entered it and woke him. Considering they were constantly saying Ramaya was their best soldier, it seems like it would also come in handy to wake Ramaya and be able to utilize her skills to help rescue the kidnapped crew. Like, this HAS to come up at some point, doesn’t it? She can’t just be forgotten in a coma. Did anybody stay behind to take care of her when they marched on the capitol? D|

Other relationships!

Fuck, I fell so hard for Roën in this book. He’s just so endearing. And it seems like it was really only Roën that was able to keep Zélie grounded and moving forward in this book. I didn’t really support Roën and Zélie getting together in book 1, but book 2 absolutely made me support the ship.

However, I think Roën’s actions at the end of the book are a very good insight into the types of things that Roën is capable of. I don’t know if this is endgame for Tomi, but after Zélie’s constant struggle of just wanting to leave and be free and start over in this book and how her rage towards Inan consumed her and caused her to make some short-sighted mistakes (promising she’d protect Mazeli at the temple, then Ojore almost killing him while she tussled with Inan), I just don’t know that this is a particularly healthy relationship. The bit where Roën takes her out to see and they get a ride from a whale? Absolutely adorable. Just what Zélie (and I suspect Roën) needed. But long-term? I have a feeling that Roën is going to have to let more of that mercenary self of his out, and it’s going to scare and wear on Zélie, and erode their relationship. I think this is one of those relationships that is good in the short-term but isn’t long-term sustainable.

Speaking of long-term - I know Tzain is absolutely done with Amari right now, but I think he’s overall shown a great capacity for forgiveness, and I do think Tzain and Amari are endgame for Tomi. I don’t think this break between them is permanent. 

But you know who we really need to talk about?

MAMA AGBA

What a heartbreaking arc. You know she had to sever the tie between Mazeli and Zélie to save Zélie’s life. I so wish she had gotten more time with Zélie for them to reform their trust and love for one another. I absolutely wouldn’t have been able to survive the maji elders sacrificing Amari to complete the linking ritual, but I can’t believe they really did sacrifice Mama Agba like that. She was really the only guidance these poor kids had. I can’t believe they really sacrificed her.

RIP Mama Agba. I hope you’re helping to look after Mazeli. 3

Now, for that damn epilogue.

I don’t know if I can take the next book. I don’t know how Tomi’s gonna make it through the next book.

Getting gassed and waking up on an eerie ship with the other elders? Anybody else get the feeling that Tomi is going to dive into a trans atlantic slave trade parallel? I hope I’m just being paranoid here (hey, the book seriously played with my emotions; I have no idea where I’m at anymore). What were y’alls takeaways from that part?

Predictions!

- Harum obviously has something to do with all the elders being taken and them being on a boat now, right? Tomi was totally setting him up as an antagonist and he got very little antag action in this book. He’s got to have something to do with this.

- This was always intended to be a trilogy, but I have to wonder if this isn’t going to end up turning into a couple more books than intended. There was so much to go over in book 2 and then the twist of an epilogue. They’re not even getting to rebuild yet. It just feels like Tomi has so much more planned it can’t possibly be wrapped up in just one more book.

- I feel like something’s gotta happen to sever or dampen the connection the elders (and Roën and Tzain) have with each other. After how powerful they were in the end, Tomi’s gotta counter that somehow. I just don’t know if she’s gonna dampen the powers or pull out an even BIGGER bad than Nehanda was.

- Obviously “Children of Gods” has to do with the title of book 3. If it’s not just Children of Gods, I predict: Children of Gods and Ghosts.

Ending Thoughts

CVV was well worth the wait and lived up to the hype, but if we don’t get some hope and optimism in the next book, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I need these poor kids to get some semblance of a happy ending. They’ve been through so much.

[toxicpineapple]

my (personal favourite) writings from 2019

I don’t have anything for January because I guess I didn’t write/didn’t post anything then? At any rate, here are my favourite writings from every month of 2019.

---

February:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17764769/chapters/41916899 : “To Give Life Meaning”, a 5+1 things Hinanami fic I wrote over the course of several days, mostly at night. The honourific situation with this one is messy and there are the beginnings of a lot of good lines? Like I know what I was trying to say. But it’s not the kind of thing that I would be happy posting nowadays. (Ignore the fact that it says it was completed in September of this year; I went through nine months later and separated the different sections into chapters so that it would be easier to read. I wrote and published all of it back in February.) This was the second Danganronpa fic I ever wrote.

Content warnings: Contains talk of suicide, and mentions of being suicidal. Generally in the past tense. Nobody is proactive in this fic.

---

March:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18232343 : “Hold his hand”, the very first Amasai one-shot I ever wrote. I got the idea for this one late at night thinking about how Shuichi would react if his mom died. I was actually going to write this with Ryoma comforting him, or Kiyo maybe, but I ended up doing Rantaro because I watched all of his FTEs with Shuichi and was like… I do like this green man. Anyway, I’m glad I did, because if I hadn’t I don’t know if the Amasai series would… even exist. That’s really weird to think about.

Content warnings: Minor character death on the part of Shuichi’s mother. The focus of the piece isn’t her dying (as it is in fact from Rantaro’s perspective) so much as it is the conflicting emotions that it stirs up for Shuichi, but it’s still, y’know, someone’s mother dying. Anyway, read with caution.

---

April:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18468478 : “Does it matter?”, a late-night fic where Aoi is conflicted about her sexuality and calls Makoto to talk about it. I wrote a lot of one-shots in April (I actually surprised myself going through them haha) but this one is my favourite because it touches on things that I don’t see addressed a lot. Makoto and Aoi are good friends. 10/10.

Content warnings: Internalised homophobia. It hasn’t triggered anybody that I know of because it’s mostly just Makoto giving advice and Aoi coming to the conclusion that she really likes Sakura in a not-so-platonic way, but y’know.

---

May:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18776947 : “Shuichi thinks too much”, another installment in the Amasai drabbles series, and… wow. I literally only posted Amasai in the month of May. This one is my favourite (of the ones I posted in May, obviously) because it’s the one where Shuichi realises that Rantaro is claustrophobic and then they have a messy first kiss in the wake of Rantaro’s panic attack. I like fics where Character A kisses Character B and B has to be like… slow down partner… ur panicking. I also just like milking Rantaro angst so it’s a win-win. I go back and read this one periodically :)

Content warnings: Panic attacks, claustrophobia. Shuichi is exhausted in this fic haha but at least he has his shit together enough to know exactly what he’s feeling through the whole thing.

---

June:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19210423 : “Quiet Moments”, an introspective drabble/character study in which Peko thinks about how much she loves Ibuki. Damn, I love Pekobuki. I haven’t written nearly enough for them. I wrote a lot of things in June (including an Undertale one-shot which was a strong contender for this spot just because this list is dominated by Danganronpa stuff) but this one is my favourite because it was just me… rambling about how much I love Ibuki… and projecting onto Peko. Which I do every time I write this pairing, but I didn’t make this list to call myself out, so yeah I’m just going to move on.

Content warnings: Peko briefly mentions that Fuyuhiko had to get an appendectomy within the piece, but it’s nothing intense.

---

July:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/19974424 : “Take his soul with a kiss”, a Grim Reaper AU in which Maki is Death and Kaito is a guy with the audacity to tell her to wait a week before grabbing her soul. I’ve finally hit the part of this summer where I was eating one meal a day and spending the rest of my time on my laptop writing fic. 14k words a day, babey! I wrote all my favourite pieces in July (Shuichi’s love hotel, the one where Rantaro pierces Shuichi’s ears, the domestic Hinanami, the one where Shuichi has a breakdown and everyone comforts him, that one where Shuichi is mean to Kokichi and then apologises) but this one definitely deserves to be here because it’s my favourite. I like Momoharu/Kaimaki/Harukaito (idk what y’all call it man) so, uh. Yeah.

Content warnings: Death is talked about a lot but I don’t want to spoil anything about the ending by saying shit so I’ll just??? It’s a Grim Reaper AU, procede with caution. Oh, and Kaito has a lung disease.

---

August:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20442290/chapters/48499868 : “Causation and Correlation”, another 5+1 things fic (I have a good chunk of them) where Kyoko can hear death and so she goes around saving people. Also, in the end of the fic, someone saves her. It’s a cute fic and I love writing Kyoko so obviously this one is my favourite. (The one where Kokichi has parents and the Kaemugi fic I wrote that month are ones I really like too… this isn’t easy for me gamers ;w;) This is one of those fics where I was feeling extremely confident about my writing abilities the whole time I wrote it, and I’m still really proud of it.

Content warnings: Again, uh, death? Attempted murder, near-drowning, sickness, head injuries, and also attempted suicide. (Nobody dies in this fic, though.) Kyoko has her work cut out for her in this one.

---

September:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20577251 : “Cigarette smoke”, a vaguely nonsensical Saimota piece I wrote where Kaito breaks down and Shuichi comforts him. I’ve only written Saimota twice and both times it’s been Kaito angst because you guys, you just, you don’t address his sadness at all unless it’s in Oumota (and we all know how I feel about Oumota). I should start referring to September as “the month of angst fics I wrote in the middle of the night” because that’s exactly what all of it was. This one wasn’t a vent fic, but there were a lot of them. September is also the month I started doing Amami week, so there’s a lot of that, too.

Content warnings: Kaito really… berates himself in this one. His internal dialogue is hard for me to read in this one because he’s super hard on himself. He also has a meltdown and starts hyperventilating at one point (and the way I write breakdowns is always super descriptive) so please make sure you’re happy and healthy before reading.

---

October:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21195527 : “In the forever sense of the term”, what is probably my favourite Amasai fic at this moment, where Shuichi and Rantaro are forced to address Shuichi’s abandonment issues, and also there’s crying. A lot of it. From Shuichi mainly but a little bit from Rantaro too. I was surprised at how many fics I wrote in October because I was mostly focusing on Inktober I should think? I wrote a lot of original works in Inktober (though I ended up falling off the wagon at the end due to burnout) and it was a really fun experience! I think it strengthened my skills as a writer. Anyway this one is cathartic as hell.

Content warnings: The self loathing is strong with this one. It’s one of many mental breakdown fics that I’ve written this year. And there’s obviously the abandonment issues thing. Yikes.

---

November:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21399748 : “One hundred and twenty six tiles on the ceiling”, where Himiko ends up bailing on plans she made with everyone to hang out and instead stays at home, stewing in self deprecation, until Ryoma shows up, and then everyone else comes to take care of her. Another one of those ones where everyone is there for someone after a breakdown. I like this one because Himiko is my baby and most of the angst the fandom puts out for her is centered around Tenko and Angie, which sucks because I headcanon her as having depression. Like, depression that is entirely unrelated to the people she knows kind of depression. I didn’t write a lot in November because I had a relapse, but I like this one anyway.

Content warnings: Depressive episode, disassociating, suicidal ideation, all the ugly things that come with depression. This isn’t a pretty fic. I don’t write depression as something that’s pretty or poetic because it’s not. It fucking sucks and that’s just how things are going to be.

---

December:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21976864/chapters/52442179 : “An Ode to Yellow Carnations”, a 5+1 things fic where Tsumugi is a florist and Kaede takes different people to her shop until eventually she goes by herself. Is anyone surprised to see this one here? I wrote it for Tumblr’s Danganronpa Secret Santa Gift Exchange 2019 and went waaaay overboard with it. Which is probably why I like it so much. It took me ten days to actually complete, and I’ll frame it like I was diligently writing the whole time, but anyone who knows me knows that I never do things in that way. In truth I switched ideas for the fic four different times and then wrote half of it all in one night when I was hit with a surge of inspiration. I was really nervous that the person I wrote it for would hate it since it’s so long, lol. (Hi Alerane, I love you.) Anyway, I’m gonna think of December of this year as the month where I spent a really long time on a bunch of fics and then posted them all at once.

Content warnings: Very minor character death, mentions of alcohol use (nothing egregious, just recreational use on an outing with friends and all the characters are of age), also Kaede doesn’t go outside in this fic.

---

I’m going to try and get out one more fic before the year ends. To be honest I wasn’t expecting to have updated Search by now so I’ve been kind of sitting around wondering what I should write. Maybe I should just start on the Aki chapter, but I’m kind of putting that off because writing those chapters takes a lot of energy and Aki’s is probably going to double Tsubaki’s in length. (Which is great, since Tsubaki’s was already a monster of a chapter on its own.) I’ve had a really great year for writing, y’all. I’ve made lots of friends and learned a whole lot about myself, and my writing style, and the characters I’m trying to portray.

I didn’t include any long-term multi-chapters in this list, like The Best Lies or my Fanganronpa (rip… I swear I’ll pick it back up again soon, I love those characters) but if you want to track my progress as a writer without reading eleven different fics, I’d really recommend reading one of those, because you can see it happening as the chapters go on. There’s so much that I’d probably write differently from where I am now as a writer, because that’s just how things work. Life is like that. You do things a certain way in the moment, and then later, you wish you could’ve done them differently. It’s impossible to live your life without regrets, or things that you’d like to do over again.

But for what it’s worth, I’m really happy that I don’t have to. Thank you guys so much for sticking with me this year. It hasn’t been the best, but it’s been all that it’s been capable of being.

Here’s to a new decade.

[alchemist-shizun]

I Can See My Kingdom Now

Read on Ao3!

Chapter 1: Arcadia’s Lost Boy

Word Count: 7,750

Characters: Virgil, Roman, Logan, Patton, Deceit. (There will be Emile and Remy in one chapter)

Pairing(s): Eventual Logicality and Prinxiety. (hints to Royality, they’re forced into an arranged marriage)

Warnings for this chapter: Mention of blood and bruises, Asthma attack,(nothing really heavy, but I decided to warn you anyway.)

Summary: Once upon a time, there was a kingdom which rose above all others thanks to its everlasting prosperity. Of course, there had been outer conflicts, but there wasn't a citizen who wouldn't say they were pretty content with the life they were conducting. It was called "the kingdom of Arcadia" and it was praised by foreigners because of how it resembled a constant Golden Age. Many had tried before to learn the secret to reach wealth and accomplishment. But the truth was that in order to understand and obtain peace, you initially have to first-hand witness and experience the worst of misfortunes. The royalty had intimated the whole people to never spread a word about the mishap out of the walls of Arcadia. It had shaken their inner tranquility so much they refused to talk about it publicly, it quickly became a taboo. Along with dark magic, since it was linked to the tragic story they had gotten themselves into. So sit back now and listen carefully to the tale I'm about to tell because this is the story of Arcadia and its long lost prince.

A/N: I decided to post it on here too instead of only ao3, so here it is! Won’t be saying much except that the summary is literally the first part of the fic so everything is under the cut. Enjoy!

✾

❝ I am a lost boy from Neverland Usually hanging out with Peter Pan And when we're bored we play in the woods Always on the run from Captain Hook "Run, run, lost boy," they say to me Away from all of reality. ❞

Once upon a time, there was a kingdom which rose above all others thanks to its everlasting prosperity. Of course, there had been outer conflicts, but there wasn't a citizen who wouldn't say they were pretty content with the life they were conducting.

It was called "the kingdom of Arcadia" and it was praised by foreigners because of how it resembled a constant Golden Age. Many had tried before to learn the secret to reach wealth and accomplishment.

But the truth was that in order to understand and obtain peace, you initially have to first-hand witness and experience the worst of misfortunes. The royalty had intimated the whole people to never spread a word about the mishap out of the walls of Arcadia.

It had shaken their inner tranquility so much they refused to talk about it publicly, it quickly became a taboo. Along with dark magic, since it was linked to the tragic story they had gotten themselves into.

So sit back now and listen carefully to the tale I'm about to tell because this is the story of Arcadia and its long lost prince.

✾ ✾ ✾

You need to know that there were many little villages, every so often nameless ones, at the furthest corners of the kingdom. One of these was peculiar for the gorgeous and almost mystical forests that it presented, it was completely surrounded by green spots and only the center was inhabited by a modest group of families. There weren't many citizens, but it was big enough to host a school and an orphanage. The people who lived there didn't have the brightest or loudest of careers, but they were fine in their own quiet place, everybody knew each other and harmony ruled over them. It looked unnatural. It was as if the idyllic locus amoenus that was part of the ancient bucolic poetry came to life.

And who wouldn't be more eager to play in these natural parks than little kids? Or maybe two particular little kids, characterized by their adventurous behavior and childlike audacity, which let them feel able to face any threat the woods had to offer.

Especially Raegan, who was the brightest of the two: Raegan was a seven-year-old boy with a desire to just live the world, he was part of the local orphanage and didn't recall who his parents were. The weird thing was that neither did the orphanage runners: the adults only remembered this three-year-old kid wandering around the town, in simple white robes, the boy's face was stained with dirty spots and some minor wounds and scratches. They had thought he got lost and hurt in the forest, but none claimed to know him. That's why they took him in and cared for him, gave him a name and waited for his parents to manifest. But nobody came.

Orphans weren't really treated any differently than kids in families, they were part of a big family themselves, they went to a regular public school and played together with the other children, so they were merged into a big crowd of small people. They would make friends and meet up at these friends' houses, maybe even have meals there.

Here Raegan met a little Virgil Mòros, the typical shy kid who didn't know how to approach other children. Their friendship started off with small talks and those that you could call adjustments to one another. Raegan watched him play with toys on his own, while he preferred running around, racing other kids, any physical movement was enough for him to get excited, really. It was an epiphany for him when they found out a ball to play with.

Their first conversations were mostly like:

"Do you want to play with us over there?"

"No, it's fine."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I don't want to."

"Alright."

Then it became more like: "We're trying to set up a new game, wanna join?" but the answers were always different versions of "no". Raegan was a bit perplexed as to he didn't understand how he could make the kid open up, but little did he know that one day he'd have an idea that would lead them to become the closest of friends.

Raegan had come up to him and sit down in front of him, getting his attention.

"Hey! Can I play with you?" Virgil had looked at him for a split second, then a faint smile had crossed his lips, he had then proceeded to hand him a bunch of his toys, that were some little animals, and a couple of human-like figures.

"Sure."

"How do we play?"

"I usually make up stories to put my toys in."

Raegan's face had lit up so much that moment, he hadn't really ever thought of doing that, who knew how fun it would be!

"That's so cool! You're Virgil, right?"

"Yes."

"Well, I'm Raegan! And I'd love it if I could please make up the story this time?", he had put his hands together in a pleading act. Virgil couldn't help but nod at him.

"Of course, there's no problem."

Raegan had presented the brightest of smiles and he took up a bunch of toys; the story was about the two of them being part of the Royal Guard, they were the true mighty heroes who were the only hope against the infamous Dragon Witch.

Virgil had been more than amazed at the creativity of his new playfellow, which had made him pretty happy to play with the boy in the first place, not to mention that he was having the most fun he ever had compared to when he was by himself. When he was alone he'd just stay sit in that one spot; on the other hand, Raegan used his dinosaur toy to pretend it could fly around the playground, so the two had to follow it around, sometimes even run to "catch up" with it.

So as Raegan had entered his bubble, Virgil was slowly adapting to the other's personality. After that day they quickly became inseparable, they even met up multiple times out of school: this is where they started to explore bit by bit the forest next to Virgil's home and found out other ways to play.

In fact, they stopped using toys and started doing actual make-believe, sometimes they even dressed up for the different occasions they had to perform. They would walk around and pretend to have other identities, to be in faraway places, to live in castles or palaces. Raegan's favorite role to play was the knight: he would pick up any long enough stick and use it as his "perfectly manicured sword", any flying animal would be one of his mortal enemies he had to protect Virgil from, who every time claimed to be "actually able to stand for himself, thank you very much." but with a smile on his face.

One day they'd be alone against the world, the other they'd be against each other, the other one they would just practice sword fighting together. It was fun, it was different, they eventually ended up all dirty and tired from all the fictitious traveling.

But they were best friends, that was all that counted. True, until they reached their tenth birthday.

✾ ✾ ✾

When Raegan and Virgil were busy being ten-year-old kids, two other boys were busy being teenage messes. But oh, you first need to know about Arcadia's fellow kingdom, Tinfea. Its royal family had been a great hand for Arcadia's king and queen: apart from being of help to rise up again after the attempt to overthrow Arcadia's government, they also offered to intervene in the search for their missing child.

The two families were close, first of all, the Tinfea sovereigns lent their seer's abilities to see into the future and locate the lost boy: his name was Logan Diànoia and had had the power of magic in his veins ever since he was born. His parents had died in ... particular circumstances and the sovereigns decided to take him in and provide him with both regular and magic lessons even if he was little. He had always had quite a passion for learning, his curiosity also benefited him in expanding his knowledge and mind. Not that you would only find him in his chambers or in the library constantly studying, well mostly, but he was also a good friend of the royalty's only child, Patton Pàis.

There were many times in which nobles would meet up with the Royals and bring their kids to play with Patton, but most of the time he'd be alone, so Logan was enough for him to be of good company. They ended up having lessons together, sometimes Logan would even teach or lecture him; Patton found his way of speaking pretty funny, he sounded like an old cultured man in the body of a child. Despite being opposed to a lot of entertaining activities, the seer didn't really stop the prince from having fun: he would just watch over him and prevent him from getting hurt, though it had happened that Patton had played tricks on him to let him have some fun for once too. Like that one time he made Logan chase him when he actually wanted to play tag. Then Patton would smirk at his out of breath friend, realization would hit Logan and he'd just smile and say "You sly little kid."

"You're a kid too, Logan ..."

"Regardless."

There were also quiet moments in which they would lay on the grass and look at the sky, and the little prince was more than happy to stay silent and listen to his friend's voice that traveled through different flows of thought, to the point he would somehow start philosophizing. He always sounded passionate during these moments and appreciated Patton for listening every time.

Logan was fourteen when he was busy being a teenage mess, staying up late to find ways of helping the kingdom of Arcadia, catching some innocent animals to practice his spells on, feeling bad when he failed at them and always pushing himself to the limit. He was consulting an enormous spells book, being a medium-level mage by then, to find an exact way to track the prince of Arcadia when a thirteen-year-old Patton knocked on his door.

It was fairly late at night, so Logan found himself surprised to see him awake.

« I wasn't expecting you here, Patton. » his affirmation sounded more like a question to himself.

The shorter boy showed a quick smile only to look down right after, he seemed kind of gloomy.

« Yeah, I wasn't either. » his voice like a whisper.

Logan arched an eyebrow, his body was aching with worry. « Are you feeling quite alright? Please, sit down. »

The only words that escaped Patton's mouth were "No, it's-" as the seer led him to his desk and then proceeded to stand right in front of him. He honestly had to cover up how glad he was to see him- wait, what was he thinking?

« Thank you, Lo, but I just ... wanted to ask you something. »

Oh, boy.

« Go ahead. »

« Well, you know how we've been friends since we were little? »

What is this feeling?

« Yes, what are you implying? »

« Uh, you know I've never asked you anything and respected your magic? »

Oh. Logan was taken aback because of where the conversation was going. Or was that disappointment in his face?

« Please, be clear, what is it that you need? » Patton started fidgeting and wasn't really able to look at him in the eyes.

« I ... I need you to cast a spell on me. »

« What? » Logan lost at words? This sure was something.

« Listen, I have good reasons- »

« Patton, I am not a full magician yet, who knows what could happen! Plus you do not need any kind of magic, if it is an excuse you're looking for to escape some sort of lecture, then I shall help in different ways. »

He stopped when he noticed his friend looking up at him and giving him a sad smile, so he walked up to him slowly, staring at him, a sense of dread forming in his stomach. His look just screamed "What's going on?".

« It's different this time. » Patton took a deep breath, picking at the chair's wood, too anxious to talk any longer than that.

« I haven't been of help at all with this lost prince thing ... My family is supposed to look for him in the first place, but ... I can't do anything for them, I feel kind of ... useless. » if his voice was breaking, then Logan's emotions were shattering upon hearing his closest friend say such severe words.

« What ... are you talking about? » Logan sounded almost hurt, why would he belittle himself like that? But most importantly, how long had he been thinking about this? And why didn't he tell him sooner?

« Logan, you can see it too, I'm not contributing to anything- »

« You're only thirteen- »

« -which is why » Patton marked that last word to grab his attention « I was thinking: if I were able to draw somewhere the image you pictured in your head of the prince's face, then maybe it would be easier for them to see it and for us to look for him, wouldn't it? »

The seer just sighed « Your point? »

« I'd like you to find a spell that would give me the skills to do that. » Patton spoke these words so firmly that Logan thought he was talking to his father instead.

« You want drawing skills. » Patton simply nodded, serious in the eyes « So that I can project into your mind the prince's exact looks and you can represent it on paper to help Arcadia's king and queen. » another nod.

Logan was about to yell at him for how stupid that sounded, tell him that he didn't have to prove himself to anyone in order for them to love him or judge his worth, that he didn't have to do this at all, that he should instead tell him why he was feeling so wrong, but every thought died in his head. He wanted to be a good friend, but little did he know he was about to be the most selfish one.

The older one took too long to respond, so Patton's hope was fading away bit by bit and his face started falling, and Logan just couldn't bear to see him like that, he felt responsible for his friend's happiness at this point. He wouldn't let him down now, would he?

He wasn't really one of those touchy people, but he found himself making his way toward the boy and placing a hand on his shoulder, « I just ... don't want to hurt you. » he wore a concerned expression that the prince couldn't help but understand. Of course he was scared, he had never practiced his magic on humans before, he didn't find it quite correct.

Patton smiled then settled his own hand on the other's arm « I know. But I trust you, that's why I came to you! »

« I'm not sure this is a good idea, though. »

« You should be more conscious of your own abilities, Logan. » he then presented a smirk and leaned in, as if he were up to tell a secret. « Aren't you in fact the best and youngest mage in the whole kingdom? »

A grin crept on the seer's face « I have still to reach perfection. » he admitted, stepping away from the boy a couple of paces.  They shared a look, then Logan gave in and faced the multiple books on his bed and started to go through their index.

« I'll see what I can do. »

Patton lit up immediately and basically ran to hug him tight and thank him over and over again, in the meantime Logan froze and stopped working for as long as the boy held him in his arms. Damn him and his powers over him.

But most importantly, damn feelings.

He spent half an hour looking at different Latin names and descriptions that never exactly matched what he was looking for, the prince in the meantime had peacefully fallen asleep on the desk. Finally, two spells got his attention: one simply gave any skill you wished for that lasted a week from the moment in which it was cast, the other would give you an everlasting perfect ability, but you had to pay the price.

Of course it was death, specifically, the cursed person would be dying the day before their wedding at 23:59.  Wedding. Logan suddenly remembered the most logical thing that was going to happen if the Pàis family was going to be the one finding the prince of Arcadia, that is Patton was going to obviously get married with this boy once he'd reached adult age.

Something hit his heart real hard as realization set into him, he felt paranoia eat his mind away; he had to just admit it to himself, the only problem with him was that he had been crushing on Patton for quite a while now.

So there was a voice in his head.

Logan was a fourteen-year-old boy who still didn't have enough common sense to understand right and wrong, he was just a servant with little to no other job than to provide the sovereigns with information. He never did anything wrong, but there was always a first time. The voice in his head was just too loud, screaming "if you can't have him, then none else would". He didn't mean to do such a mess, he still didn't know where that was going to go.

« Fine! » he shouted at himself, slamming his hands on the book, the sudden movement woke Patton up in an instant. He looked up at Logan, curiosity in his eyes. « Did you find anything? » he asked followed by a yawn.

« Yeah but ... » he looked at the angelic little princely face, « ... there's only one. And it's dangerous. » how could he do this?

« What for? »

Logan started explaining, but he regretted his decision as he was talking about his inevitable death. Maybe that part would scare him enough to just let it go. Maybe another prince or princess would find the boy and he could still have some kind of chance, maybe-

« Do it. »

« I apologize, what did you just say? »

« Do it. » Patton ordered firmly, a serious look on his face to mark how determined he was about it.

« You want me to place a curse on yourself. »

« If it's the only way then so be it. I don't care, I'll have eight years to prepare for the inevitable day. » he sounded insecure about that one last bit, but it looked like he wasn't going to back down any sooner.

Logan was just whispering "I can't let you do this." when he was cut off by Patton's « And besides, death will eventually come for me anyway. » he laughed it off in a vain attempt to lighten up the mood.

« I don't think I can- »

« Please. » Patton put his hand on Logan's « Do it for me, okay? »

God damn it.

And there he was, giving up to his longtime friend yet again. He couldn't believe he was actually placing a curse upon the prince of Tinfea. His best friend. The one he lo- cared about.

To make him feel better about himself.

Some disturbing red lights began floating around the room, Logan's eyes darkened until every spot of his pupils was pitch black, he raised his hand toward the boy in front of him and drew a sharp symbol into the air, he then proceeded to recite the Latin formula, he pointed his finger to the symbol which flew against Patton and hit him hard, causing him to shield his face with his arms. And just like that, everything was back to normal.

Logan was breathing heavily and Patton felt definitely shaken from what he had just seen, he looked up at his friend and worried instantly for him; he let him sit down and catch his breath for a couple of minutes, providing him with some water to support him. How much of his energy did that thing take away from him?

« How about you try it out? Let's see if it worked? »

« Uh, sure. » Patton stepped away with uncertainty and took some paper and ink, he locked eyes with a particular weirdly shaped object of the room and started drawing it from reference. After some minutes he had already finished and was shocked at how well and detailed it turned out, he showed it to Logan excitedly and started jumping around from happiness.

But the whole deal wasn't yet done. « Are you okay to let me see his face or ...? »

« I can handle it, I'm fine. »

Logan made him sit right across him, then he stared into his eyes, focused, and thought about just putting his knowledge into the other's head; it was when Patton's eyes widened that he realized he had actually succeeded. Patton started drawing immediately, concentration stuck in his expression. It didn't take him long to be done with it.

Logan looked down at the picture and almost fell out of his chair.

« It's ... » Patton listened to him carefully « ... exactly what I have seen. Patton, it is ... perfect. »

✾ ✾ ✾

The day it happened Virgil and Raegan decided to visit the forest early in the morning so they could have enough time to play before the inevitable appearance of the royalty of Arcadia: after they found out the appearances of their missing child, they started traveling the whole kingdom in order to find him at all costs. They said they made 10-year-old kids line up and get compared to a certain picture, so that was what was going to happen to Virgil and Raegan too, but first, they had to get cleaned, dressed in the best robes they had, boring stuff that would take up too much of their precious acting time. That's why they went there earlier than ever.

It was a pleasant and clear spring day, they noticed the multiple flowers that had been growing while they pretended to be pirates in the latest weeks, they also saw more birds flying around out of their nests and making pleasant sounds as they battered their wings.

They changed the storyline of their make-believe for that special occasion in which they brought with them their wooden swords fabricated by the local woodworker that had taken a liking into them because of their passion for nature. Raegan was leading the way as a gentle breeze flew through his little red cape, which was actually only an old ripped shirt of Virgil's father. He followed the path they had learned by heart, which led to a clear pond that they had always seen frozen during winter. A couple of waterlilies were lying gently on the surface of the water. The place looked magical.

Raegan looked back at his companion, then stretched out his arm to him « Here take my hand. »

« I thought I was your knight, not a damsel in distress. »

The orphan boy rolled his eyes but smirked at the remark « We have to do your investiture first. Come along, young man. »

Virgil took his hand anyway and let him help down the little steep hill that separated them from the pond. They walked up to it, then Raegan turned to his friend smiling, the light of the sun hitting the back of his head, which gave his already messy hair a goldish brown color.

They imagined they were in a castle's throne room full of festooning of red and gold hanging from different areas of the Great Hall, the whole kingdom present, breaths held as they waited for their prince to speak, they were hanging on his future words.

Virgil bowed down his head, placing his left knee on the ground and bending his right one, he then placed his right hand on it, while his wooden sword was laying on the ground not too far off from him.

« Virgil Mòros. » Raegan looked down at him with a solemn expression, he raised his sword and lightly placed its blade first on one and then on the other shoulder, while he was speaking the words « I, prince Raegan, hereby declare you as my first personal knight and head of the Royal Guard. »

The golden eyed boy took off his cape and draped it across Virgil's shoulders. Virgil stood up after that and all he could say was « "Hereby declare"? How do you even know what that means? »

Raegan gave him an annoyed look « Soft you, now! I just gave you a title, behave. », then he walked off somewhere imprecise and left Virgil wondering what kind of books he read at the orphanage. It wasn't the first time he said weird lines and wouldn't even know what they meant exactly. It was as if he just knew the right context.

Virgil was forced to snap out of his thoughts when an impossibly fast animal ran past them and stopped thirty meters away from them, keeping a fierce stance; it looked like it was smirking at them from afar. The creature that was staring at them showed off its orangish-red and white fur glowing under the sun, it appeared to be quite a mystical form with those shining yellow irises that kinda matched Raegan's. He was, in fact, the one struck by its charm, how could a simple fox like that appear so majestic? He felt like he wanted to be like it too. Small, but important.

The fox took a few steps towards the boys, it didn't seem like it wanted to be friendly, more like to challenge them, chin up and mischievous gaze. The two friends shared a look.

« It clearly wants us to approach. »

« I don't think it is a good idea. »

« Then what do you suggest, my fellow knight? » Raegan turned to his best friend with a radiant smile, keeping up their make-believe.

« Maybe we should take some steps forward too? »

« So we'd be safe if it wants to attack us or we won't scare it away quickly? » Virgil simply nodded.

« Smart thinking. Then I shall face it. » his tone sounded so dramatic he could hear Virgil roll his eyes from behind him. He took a step forward, but before his foot could touch the ground again the animal was already sprinting away, causing Raegan to immediately run after it and, of course, the other villager couldn't help but follow them. Who knows where the fox would lead them? A whole new world to explore? Would they find new roles to play? Or maybe it was taking them to its own home, trusting them enough to let them into the forest's unseen.

But the chase had been going on for quite a while, the animal wasn't giving any sign of slowing down and Virgil felt like he was experiencing the whole forest over again at maximum speed, he couldn't even remember where they had left or how long would it take to go back home. Raegan's rapture, on the other hand, made him able to keep up with the fox, and easily avoid any obstacle, it was his determination that was giving him the energy to run as fast as he possibly could and enough breath to jump every other meter.

Why was following that animal so tempting? Raegan felt like he couldn't stop though he didn't quite acknowledge the reason why, there was something fascinating about it, but other than that he felt like he was being pulled. He wasn't aware he was only going to find trouble: Virgil wasn't used to running this much.

« Hey. Prince? » no response.

Virgil wasn't able to catch his breath, his heart beating too fast. « Ra- Raegan? »

He wasn't listening.

He was about to call him again when he gasped for air and before he could do anything else he found himself losing balance and falling face down onto the ground with a loud thud. He had tripped over something he couldn't yet comprehend, his head lightly hit the ground and was now covered in dirt and some green from the grass around the spot he dropped his whole body into. Raegan turned instantly and his eyes widened at the sight, causing him to stop and tripping over his own feet, not used to the sudden stop.

He caught himself and glanced over to his right where the fox was now long gone, knowing he will hardly ever see it again; he wanted to rush over to his friend but he felt his limbs as heavy as his breath. He felt as if everything was moving in slow motion around him, the weight of his body too excessive to bear. He looked like a zombie as he was hardly taking steps.

Virgil in the meantime had been able to push himself up on his hands, despite the skin on his palms was burning with blood and dirt, he looked up at Raegan with a pained expression as he slowly got to his knees to check on Virgil.

Somehow the fallen boy still hadn't caught his breath, which sometimes got mixed up with small coughs; Virgil thought this feeling was normal, he had never run that fast for that long, he had felt pain in his chest after running before. But this time it was worse than just simple pain, it felt as if his lungs were shrinking with every breath he took, even his heartbeat didn't hint to slow down at all, it only increased together with the speed of his breaths. He could no longer inhale, nor exhale through his nose. He was scared stiff.

« Virgil? » Raegan's concerned tone hardly reached his ears as he covered them in fear. « Virgil, what is happening? » of course there was no response. But Raegan either thought it was because he was too afraid to talk, or his state didn't let him talk. He tried to lock eyes with him, to see if somehow they could communicate, but little did he know that the boy in front of him was unable to talk and was panicking because he didn't know what he was going through. The only sound that went out of his mouth was the wheezing of his breathing becoming even more persistent as time passed and as anxiety grew into them.

Raegan reached for his friend as Virgil crouched down, embracing himself, arms almost touching his knees, frightened eyes wide open and anguish starting to swell up in his chest. He did not know what was going on, nor did he know how to stop, the only thing he was aware of was that he was quickly getting worse, he couldn't control his own breathing, he couldn't control his whole body, he felt miserable. He couldn't help his own self and he was just terrified. He felt like he was choking. This was it.

« Oh my goodness, Virgil! » Raegan did not realize what kind of situation he got them into, panic started to set into him too, but as a prince would do he reminded himself that in alarming situations he needed to stay calm for the both of them: he needed to find a solution, to act fast. He tried to grab his attention by calling his name multiple times, never getting a reaction.

So he attempted to concentrate all the composure in his voice « Hey, buddy, can you hear me? » and he didn't get a single response. Not a twitch of the hand in his direction, no sign with his head. Oh dear, this was bad and it was all his fault. He chocked back the tears that were forming at the corners of his eyes because of the stress and the guilt. « I will help you move, okay? Bear with me, please. You'll be okay. » his voice cracked at the end of the sentence, which sounded more like a reassuring to himself than to the other. He was going to be okay, he was gonna do this, he knew he could. « I promise. »

First of all, Raegan slowly pushed his knees down, so Virgil could go back to his previous sitting position, then he lightly grabbed his wrists and proceeded to lower his arms, showing how his face had gone even paler and sweaty. He accompanied the arms down to his sides and then helped him sit up straight against the tree behind them. Raegan felt a sense of relief as he noticed Virgil's breathing starting to ease up, he now believed in both of them more than before, he was sure he had this. But of course, he wasn't quite there yet. The boy's chest was still visibly going up and down at non-regular speed.

Raegan paid attention not to touch him in any risky spot as he encouraged him to look at him in the eyes: that was the first time he had noticed how different the two irises were from one another, bronze and emerald bind together. He made sure Virgil was focused on him as he spoke. « I need you to try to follow me, okay? » even though there was still a tone of worry in his voice, for the first time he got a slight nod from the other kid « Good, we're going to slow it down. I need you to be patient and relaxed. »

He settled down right in front of him, fixing his gaze on Virgil's face. He mirrored the boy's movements and was able to coordinate their breathing; the first thing he did afterward was to inhale a tick slower, then he did the same thing while breathing out. He kept doing this until Virgil would match him, then he would slow down again and repeat the cycle till he was finally properly breathing again.

They sit there for a couple of minutes to ease up from all the tension that was brought by the previous circumstances, Virgil had closed his eyes while Raegan had gotten all cuddled up next to him, still on alert in case it happened again.

« I have no idea what that was. »

« It never happened before? »

« No. I don't like it. » Virgil knew it wasn't a normal response to some running around, even for someone who wasn't used to do that.

Silence fell between the two as they were both filled with the void of ignorance on the matter, not knowing if they had to worry that much or if they had to wait more. The innocence of two children.

It wasn't long until Raegan broke the peaceful moment.

« I'm sorry. » he looked down at his feet and felt the same guilt from earlier building up again, it was him that insisted on chasing after an incredibly agile animal, for a moment he didn't look back at his best friend, he felt wrong because he now believed his friend would think he didn't care. What if now he'd stop playing with him or spend time with him or-

« What for? »

« Uh? »

« You said you were sorry. Why? »

Raegan wasn't sure he had understood. « For clearly hurting you? Or scaring you to death? I don't even know where to start! » it was so obvious he failed to get why Virgil wasn't blaming him in the first place.

« You didn't know. I didn't know. Plus you helped me recover. » he turned to his sorry friend and gifted him with a reassuring smile, to which the other responded to the same way. « Now that I mention it, how did you know how to ...? » Virgil made some gestures as he did when he didn't know how to explain himself, which was kind of adorable.

« One of the children at the orphanage had been crying for half an hour one day and was unable to stop, so I saw one of my oldest brothers walk up to him and doing the same thing I did. » Virgil tilted his head while Raegan was staring at a fixed point in front of him, as if he was spacing out, then he displayed his best impression of a 17 year old that sounded more like an old man and pointed his finger at the tree ahead of them « And he told him to man up, boy, you got some dishes to clean! »

Both of them burst out laughing at that, as the impression was so good and yet so terrible it sounded perfect.

« Did he do the dishes then? »

« Nah, I had to do them. » Raegan sighed so profoundly at the memory he shook his head, that altogether caused Virgil to laugh even more.

The comfortable silence fell back on them after some more goofing around, memories flying in their minds of other events, but they chose not to revive them with spoken words.

Then they remembered as their gaze fell on Virgil's cape.

« What would you do if you were an actual prince? » Raegan was caught off guard by the other's question, but that surely was an interesting argument. Being part of the royalty in their minds meant being able to do anything, you'd have magicians at your side, the possibility of changing the rules whenever you wanted, what was there not to do?

« I'd probably order my whole kingdom to have desserts at every single meal. Anyone who'd get caught not eating cake would get arrested and executed in the main square. »

« Woah, drastic. »

« But there'll be cake hour ... »

« Cake hour. » Virgil repeated, amused at his friend's idea.

« Cake hour, Virgil. It's important. » Raegan warned him as if it was the first priority in their lives.

« Why don't we have a cake hour at school? »

« Now that's a nice question! »

Their cake discourse, sadly, was abruptly interrupted by the distant chime of bells: they looked at each other with a panicked expression, that was the sign that the royalty of Arcadia and Tinfea had arrived at their village and all the 10-year-old boys had to show up before them. And Raegan and Virgil were still in the forest, dirty and bruised. They were dirty, bruised and also late. They immediately got up and decided to walk with wide steps in order to be as fast as they could and to prevent the whole breathing issue to present again.

After Raegan had helped Virgil up, before he could do anything the little knight wrapped his arms around his friend, who was taken aback by the sudden hug, but didn't hesitate to return it immediately. Virgil murmured a soft “thank you”, still uneasy from before.

They filled their way to the center planning whichever lie they were gonna say once they got back: they were chased by a giant animal and got hurt, scared and had to hide away for a while. It wasn't like either of them was gonna be the prince they were looking for anyway, they were just two kids in a tiny village. It wouldn't have made any sense.

Or so Virgil thought.

✾ ✾ ✾

Patton felt another wave of excitement as he checked the new kids he had to examine from a distance; he held his drawing close, the tips of his fingers brushing lightly against the margins of the paper. He sensed the portrait of the lost prince nearly weighing against his chest. He took a deep breath as the king and queen received the last regards from the village's inhabitants, Logan at his side gave him a reassuring nod, despite being a tad nervous himself: he felt like he had already seen the place somehow, like it held some kind of familiar trait he couldn't quite put his finger on, it was frustrating.

They were about to begin when a couple of women and a man ran towards the group and made their way through the crowd of villagers that wanted to assist the scene. The woman that was dressed like an orphanage caretaker was the one to speak, deep worry in her words « Please accept our apologies, but two of our village's kids are missing, we have been looking for them anywhere but they can't be found! »

« Oh my, is that so? »

« Yes, » the man paced forward « one of them is my son, I believe they went into the woods and we are afraid they got lost, or worse ... » he refrained from ending his own sentence, the worst case scenario he didn't want to cross his mind.

They were about to ask for help when the king stared into the distance and pointed right behind the people in front of him « Could they be your children? »

Sighs of relief set onto everyone as the three villagers smiled, but soon after a look of horror painted their faces as the appearance of the two ashamed kids came into view: they saw the dirt, the spots, the rips, and the blood.

At the same time, one boy's mother yelled "Goodness gracious, Virgil!" while one of the orphans cried out "big brother!" as a couple of adults and Virgil's parents ran towards them.

The mother hugged his son fiercely, not caring about smearing her clothes with blood and the dirt on her child's clothes, while his father helped him to walk over to the sovereigns, Raegan on the other hand, looking better than his friend, received multiple scolds by the caretakers for being too careless.

After they had reached the crowd, Virgil and Raegan personally approached the royalty and bowed down to them in an apologetic manner, at which the two monarchs softened up enough for them to get closer and kneel down in front of them.

« Straighten up kids, you don't need to feel sorry, I would've probably done the same if I had been you. » the king snickered and did a quick wink at them.

The queen ruffled their hair with a sweet smile, she appeared so tender it didn't even feel real, all the social class boundaries were broken as her motherly instincts acted up.

Then she turned to Logan « Can you perchance heal these bad-looking wounds? »

The mage slightly bowed at them and walked up to the kids with a smug look on his face « I can do even better, madame. »

So the two Arcadian rulers stepped away and gave the boy his own space to practice the spell: Patton could see it was completely different from the curse he had placed on him.

This time the lights around him were light blue, almost white, he drew a sinuous symbol with no sharp edges, not like the one he had seen. Logan didn't have to pronounce any formula, instead, he duplicated the symbol and commanded it to fly up above the two boys; and just like that, the symbols started to lightly crumble in little particles that looked like stardust on them. Once it was finished they looked perfectly refreshed, fine clothes and clean faces, they looked like they didn't enter the forest at all.

Raegan and Virgil both stared at their hands, then at each other with astonished expressions and faint smiles.

But there was something else, the familiar sensation had strengthened upon seeing the two boys more clearly, upon having them so close in front of him ... could it be? He locked eyes first with the orphan, then with the other child, he examined their facial features so long silence fell into the place: the kids started feeling uncomfortable, did the spell do something weird to them? Were they going to turn into trolls? Still, Logan's apathetic gaze fixed on them didn't help them ease up.

The seer turned to the royalty after a careful study of the two « Patton, could you assist me for a moment? »

Something hit hard Virgil's heart. Wait, what? They were actually getting checked up? Or was this only protocol? Had they already gone through the other children? It couldn't possibly be one of them, Virgil was sure about who his parents were, and he was certain that Raegan ... well, he was his best friend, it's not like he'd turn out to be a prince and out of nowhere get ripped away from him. They were just village kids. He tried to repeat this sentence into his mind over and over again, trying to convince himself as panic rose back into him.

Patton had come closer with a warming smile that almost calmed Virgil completely down; he held out his drawing in front of him as he compared the picture first with Virgil, then with Raegan.

When his eyes widened. Logan understood immediately what was off about that place by the behavior of the prince of Tinfea.

Patton locked eyes in awe with Raegan, who somehow felt the need to straighten his posture, he felt like he was being judged by everyone. With the corner of his eyes, he could see his best friend's almost pained look.

He couldn't breathe when Patton turned his back to him to face the sovereigns.

Patton couldn't contain his smile. « Your majesty, » his solemn tone was the only thing filling the village's air, everybody was holding their breath. Raegan's heart skipped a beat.

« We found him. »

Next chapter

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

We’ll Carry On - Chapter Seven

We’ll Carry On Tag

General Content Warnings: Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Substance Abuse, Abandonment, Minor Character Death, Transphobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation, Bullying, Homophobia

June 16th, 2017

“Mom, I’m not trying to start anything, I swear, I just want my hair short for the summer!” Logan pleaded.

But his mom just shook her head. “You look lovely with long hair, Jessica. If it gets too hot you can just put your hair up in a ponytail.”

“What about a bob?” Logan bargained. “I could put that in a ponytail by the end of summer, and it would stay off my neck most of the time! I just...I want it short.”

“You’d regret cutting your hair in an instant, young lady,” his mom said. “If you wanted your hair up again, or wanted to braid it, you wouldn’t be able to. We’re not cutting your hair.”

Logan did his best to not storm off in a huff after that declaration. Sure, he was still in the closet, but a bob would be better than this horrible ponytail he always had to wear.

January 20th, 2019

Logan was singing the song as he worked on his homework, his voice light and lilting in the afternoon sun. He heard a small gasp come from the doorway, and turned to see Roman standing there, jaw agape. “I didn’t know you could sing,” Roman said, voice raspy.

Reaching to tuck a strand of hair behind his ear that he realized was still in his ponytail, Logan tugged on his ear instead. “I don’t, usually. I don’t like how high my voice is. I guess I was just in a good mood.”

“What was the song?” Roman asked, his voice continuing to rasp a little.

“It’s called Welcome to the Black Parade,” Logan said. “Some of the students I know from school listen to a band called My Chemical Romance. I checked out some of their songs, and not all of them are kid friendly, but I do like that one.”

Roman cleared his throat and walked over slowly. “Do you think...do you think you could teach me the song?”

Logan nodded slowly. “Do you mind my asking...why?” Roman glanced toward the doorway, and Logan was quick to reassure him. “I won’t tell Mister Picani. Either of them.”

Roman swallowed. “I...my mom. It reminded me of my mom.”

Logan nodded in understanding. “Oh. Yeah, when you lose someone important, sometimes music is a good release. I can let you listen to the song on my phone while I work?”

Roman nodded with a grateful smile. Logan passed him the phone, earbuds plugged in, and Roman set himself up on Logan’s bed, listening to the song with rapt attention. Logan pretended not to notice the tears that leaked through Roman’s façade as he continued to listen to the song.

They sat in silence a while, Logan working on his homework, and Roman listening to the song, mouthing the words to the lyrics. When Logan’s homework was done, he stood, and Roman pulled the earbuds out of his ears. “You can keep listening, if you want. I’m not going anywhere,” Logan said.

“It’s okay, I think I have most of it memorized anyway,” Roman said.

“You sure?” Logan asked.

Roman nodded. “I pick up songs pretty quick. And I don’t want to leave you without your phone. Worst comes to worst, I look it up on my own phone.”

Logan shrugged. “All right.” Roman headed towards the door, but Logan put a hand on his shoulder to stop him. “Hey, Roman...”

Roman looked at him expectantly, eyes red and just a little puffy.

“I’m sorry about your mom,” he finished. That was neutral enough. Hopefully Roman wouldn’t get suspicious or try to shut Logan out after this.

Roman gave him a flicker of a smile and nodded. “Yeah. Me too.”

The boys stood there in silence a moment before Roman mumbled a, “I’ll be downstairs,” and the spell was broken. Logan picked up one of his for-pleasure books from the nightstand in the room and settled down to relax and let his mind wander for a half hour, before they left for the barber’s.

When he heard the muffled voice of Mister Remy calling, “Logan, it’s time to go!” he replaced his book mark and left the book itself on the bed, heading downstairs and out the door with a grin. This would be the first time he had his hair short in literal years.

When the three of them were in the car, Mister Emile waving them off from the doorway, Mister Remy drove off. Logan resisted the urge to excitedly squirm...for the most part. He couldn’t help the grin nearly splitting his face in two at the prospect of once again having short hair. It was such a small thing to be excited about, but he couldn’t help himself.

Roman was sending him odd looks from the back. “Hey, Logan, when’s the last time you had short hair?” he asked.

Logan thought back on it and shrugged. “I’m not sure, honestly. I think it might have been when I was in second grade.”

“And you’re in tenth now?” Roman confirmed.

“Yeah,” Logan said. “So this is a big moment.”

“Do you know what style you want to get?” Mister Remy asked. “Since you finally got a phone plan that allows you to use the Internet again?”

Logan shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t know exactly what I want, and I might hate what I do with my hair for this, but...” he ducked his head, ears tinged pink. “I kinda want to try a pompadour.”

“Hey, I think it’d look good on you,” Mister Remy said with a smile. “Give it a go if you want. And if you wind up not liking it, you never have to get it again once it grows out.”

Logan nodded, ears still pink. “It just...feels really weird thinking about having short hair again. I keep on second-guessing myself...but I always hated having long hair. And even if I don’t like this style, there has to be another men’s style that could work.”

Roman shot him a grin. “For what it’s worth, I think you’d look like a complete dork no matter what.”

“You’re just mad that I’m older than you,” Logan shot back with a smirk.

“As if! I’ll always be the more creative one, so I don’t need to be older than you!” Roman challenged.

“Yeah? Well, I’m planning on being an astronomer, maybe an astrophysicist. So I think I’ll always be the smarter one in terms of schooling. I don’t need to prove myself to you,” Logan replied easily.

“Boys, be careful that this doesn’t get out of hand,” Mister Remy warned. “We don’t want any hurt feelings.”

“Yeah, I know,” Logan said. “You cool, Roman?”

“Yeah. I don’t care about book smarts all that much,” Roman said. “I’ve seen some of the people at my school rehearse lines for the school play and I want to try out for it next year. It could be fun.”

“It’s hard to make a career out of acting,” Logan warned.

“Maybe, but right now, it’s not a career, it’s just a little fun,” Roman brushed off.

Logan made a noise in the back of his throat. “What’s the point in fun if you can’t get good at it and make something of yourself for it?”

Roman shrugged. “I dunno. I just want to have a good time, meet some new people, have a few friends. Fun doesn’t have to have a point. And you don’t have to be wildly successful to be happy.”

Logan frowned and chewed that thought. His parents had been wrong about a lot of things before. Could this have been another thing they had lied about?

“We’re here,” Mister Remy said, pulling into the parking lot of a small shopping outlet.

Logan was nervous as they walked into the barbershop. Everyone there was presenting as male or gender non-conforming, and it felt odd to be sporting a ponytail in here. A man walked over and said, “Remy!” in a booming voice, crushing the man in a hug. “When I heard your call, I could barely believe it. You wound up with kids?!”

Remy shrugged. “Domestic life has its perks, apparently, Dominic,” he said easily. “This is Roman, and that’s Logan. Roman said he just wants a trim, but Logan...he’s gonna need some serious cuts. His old family was rather strict about his hair.”

Dominic scoffed. “Ridiculous! Hair is an expression of yourself! To restrict that is just cruel! Come on, young man, we’ll get you whatever cut you like.”

Logan was led to a chair in front of a mirror and he took his glasses off as Dominic draped a plastic covering over his shoulders. “Now then, Logan, what would you like today?”

“I’d like a pompadour, if that’s all right,” Logan said, voice trembling only slightly. “Preferably only a few inches long, at most.”

“Logan, in this shop the customer is always allowed to choose their own hair style,” Dominic said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “If you want that, I can do it. First, we should chop off that ponytail, don’t you think?”

“Please,” Logan all but begged. “I’ve had it for seven years at least and I’ve hated every second it’s been there. Chop it off.”

Dominic nodded and grabbed a pair of scissors. Logan took out his ponytail and let his hair fall over the chair, down to his shoulder blades. Dominic used his scissors with exact precision, and soon Logan’s hair was falling to the ground, a broken halo he no longer needed. Once the hair was at about a short bob, Dominic brought out an electric razor, and started shearing off the hair on the sides and very back of Logan’s head. “Is that short enough?” he asked Logan.

Logan brought out his glasses and looked at the shaved hair in the mirror, feeling it. It couldn’t be more than a quarter of an inch long. “That’s perfect,” Logan said. “Can you show me how to style the top?”

“Certainly,” Dominic said, grabbing scissors as Logan took off his glasses again. “I’ll cut the last of it and then I’ll show you how to gel it and comb it back.”

And true to his word, when Logan was pleased with the length of his hair Dominic explained how much hair gel to use, and how to comb it into his hair, and consequently wash it out at the end of the day.

At the end of the haircut, Logan put on his glasses and grinned genuinely at what he saw. “I don’t believe it,” he said, reaching to look closer into the mirror and feel his hair. “I look like myself. For once in my life, I actually look like myself. Thank you so much!”

“Logan, it was my pleasure,” Dominic said. “Come back when you need a trim, all right?”

“Definitely,” Logan said, grinning and shaking Dominic’s hand.

He walked over to where Roman and Mister Remy were waiting. Roman only had a few inches taken off his already-long spikes, and he looked about how Logan expected he would. Mister Remy looked up and whistled. “Looking sharp, Logan!”

Unable to help himself, Logan laughed and brought a hand up to his mouth, covering his grin. “I look like myself, finally!” he exclaimed.

“You look like a dork,” Roman said. “So I agree.”

Logan simply laughed in response. “You wish you could look this good!” he said, striking a pose.

Mister Remy led them out after thanking Dominic, and they headed back to the car. “Are we gonna need to invest in hair gel, Logan?” Mister Remy asked.

“Maybe a little,” Logan said. “If you want me to keep this look.”

“If you want to keep it, we’ll grab some,” Mister Remy promised. “For now, let’s go home.”

Logan and Roman agreed and no sooner did they get back than Emile walked out of the house and nearly squealed in delight. “Love the hair, Logan!”

“Thanks,” Logan said, beaming with pride. “I really like it. I actually look like myself for once!”

“That’s amazing!” Emile said. “Should we watch some celebratory cartoons?”

“Maybe some Steven Universe is in order,” Logan said with a grin.

Emile cheered and Remy leaned over to Logan, stage-whispering, “You’re enabling him. Never a good idea.”

Logan just laughed as they all headed inside. He sat down next to Emile on the couch and they watched some Steven Universe, belting out the lyrics to the theme song because why not, nobody was going to judge them!

His conversation earlier with Roman floated to the forefront of his mind, and his expression turned thoughtful. Sometime, he’d have to ask Roman more about that. He didn’t want to pry too much so soon, but one day he’d have to figure out what was wrong. He could help, but he needed to know what was up first.

As one episode turned into the next, Logan put those thoughts out of his mind. Right now, he wanted to ride the high of his gender euphoria for as long as possible. If he could milk more seconds of joy out of this experience, he definitely wanted them.