#but yes he's a horrible gremlin of a guy. it's so so funny

[maulfucker]

I found Phantom Menace Maul's "official" journal that was published in 2000 online and it's just

He's such a bitch

He would do numbers on tumblr

The link btw

he is!! he literally said "kill yourself" to the jail director lady in Maul: Lockdown because she was annoying him. he's a shitty edgy bitch who would spam "kys" in someone's inbox before blocking them. I love him

[libraryofgage]

Been watching sooooo much say yes to the dress so.....

Steve and Robin are consultants and co-designers at Kleinsfeld. Robin especially loves designing and Steve really loves that moment brides find The Dress because they light up and he helped make that happen and it just makes him smile

Enter Eddie Munson, rockstar and definitely not in a relationship but at Kleinsfeld to find a dress he can wear for an upcoming music video that's a little corpse bride vibes re revenge and murder (dead bride raised by necromancer and given opportunity to get revenge on her killer ex)

Eddie shows up with the guys and Steve/Robin are their consultants (they can't be separated bad things happen like Robin knocking over a rack of dresses bc Steve isn't there to pull her back in time) and when Steve (knows who Eddie is, doesn't care that much, they get celebrities all the time) asks who the bride is neither blink at Eddie raising his hand with a shit eating grin

They just go right into the design/style/budget questions and Eddie is almost disappointed he didn't get to cause more of a scene lmao

Anyway Steve is the one helping in the dressing room and he's getting Eddie into this big dramatic ballgown when Eddie asks why he's a consultant

Steve inadvertently just rambles about helping brides and making them feel the center of attention and cared for and special during their appointments. He also talks about designing affordable but fashionable dresses with Robin since he has experience with high fashion and general design and she knows best about keeping costs down without making things ugly

Obviously Eddie Munson is immediately heart eyes listening to this guy describe all of this while expertly lacing a ballgown corset and getting clips in place so it fits right and before he knows it Steve is leading him to where Robin and the band are waiting

The guys are immediately all giving Looks (derogatory) but can't describe what's wrong until Robin looks at Eddie and asks if he's adverse to negative feedback

Eddie is like "???? No, I guess???"

And is just even more confused when Robin goes, "No. Really, think about it."

So when he says it's fine Robin pushes Steve forward and tells him to let loose. Eddie is surprised cuz Steve is so sweet? How could he possibly be mean? And then Steve just holds nothing back like "the color washes you out, that beading makes your chest look uneven, the ballgown is actually a horrible silhouette on you because you just look uncomfortable having so much dress hanging off you"

And he says it all with this little popped out hip and slightly pursed mouth and raised eyebrow and it's so so bitchy and Eddie is fucking in love okay, he's gone, he needs to make fun of other people with Steve immediately

But also he's a gremlin so he's like "can a guy even look good in a wedding dress tho, like, does it matter?"

And Robin immediately jumps in like "of course it does you plebian especially if you want the music video to be any good"

This leads to Eddie and the guys not believing them so Robin and Steve share A Look and they do love proving people wrong so they're both like "bet" and tell Eddie to wait there

Cue them grabbing a sample dress (click to see what I'm thinking literally this is such a pretty dress holy shit) from their collection, putting Steve in it, and then showing it off

Eddie is dead. Immediately. Steve's arms? His legs? His chest? His confident little smirk as he spins in front of them?? 4 braincells dead and 28 injured in Eddie’s head

Anyway he literally ends up on his knees begging Steve to be in the music video, Steve agrees cuz he thinks Eddie is hot and funny, and CC fans lose their shit over the bride and his dress in the music video, especially when he and Eddie kiss at the end after the revenge murdering

[ribcageteeth]

I forgot to ask. 14, 63, 49, 50, 43, 38.

Oh gosh let's see...

14) favorite "controversial" horror film

Maniac. Yes yes, it's horribly violent and grimy and it makes you feel like you want to have a shower once it's done, that's the point and it makes it extremely well, but also it has a super incredible Tom Savini head explosion, and I'm such a slut for that. Kinda like Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer without any wildly inaccurate "true story" claims, so it gets to go way way over the top with it!

63) favorite 70s horror film

Deep Red! It's a murder mystery, it's inexplicably supernatural, it's having an interesting conversation about gender with itself, it's full of creative kills and bright strawberry red fake blood, it's legitimately creepy, it's brilliantly shot... I could go on, I love that movie.

49) favorite horror film score/soundtrack

Candyman. That score gives me chills, and I think it perfectly highlights the dark romantic themes of the movie. Philip Glass really looked at this script and said "Ohh I get it, he's a Dracula" and he was SO RIGHT. Second place definitely goes to Suspiria though, that one also has an incredible score, and I will occasionally just sit and listen to it.

50) favorite horror film that takes place during your favorite season/time of year/holiday

Ginger Snaps! I don't know how it isn't more acknowledged as a halloween movie, that's the whole reason she gets away with being a wolf at the end! The climax happens at a halloween party! Also, unrelated, this movie has one of my favorite Horror Movie Moms I've ever seen, I think she's so funny and she steals every scene she's in.

43) favorite black and white horror film

Ok, I'm torn here between The Invisible Man, and The Bad Seed. On the one hand, The Invisible Man is a pre-code technical marvel with groundbreaking hand-done painstaking effects that still hold up to this day, and it's high-camp and hilarious. Jack Griffon is a chaotic bastardous gremlin of a man and I love him so much. On the other hand, The Bad Seed is a very fun example of an early stage-to-film adaptation in a post-code era that, upon conforming to film standards of the time, becomes even more high-camp and hilarious than the original production. Rhoda Penmark is a manipulative conniving murderous genius nine-year-old and I love her so much. Also. Oh my god. If you haven't seen The Bad Seed. The hays code dictated that you had to kill your villain in the end, no matter what, and you will never in a million years guess how they do it here.

38) favorite horror film that you physically own

Phone. It's a Korean film from 2002 and it freaks me oooooooout!! It's about a journalist who has to go into hiding after she writes a reputation-ruining piece about a sex scandal, and the guy involved starts sending threatening phonecalls. And she just. happens to hide out in the worst possible place for this. I saw it on xfinity's horror channel way back in the day, and once I started growing my dvd collection as an adult, I sought it out specifically.

Thanks so much for the ask! This was fun!

[ideas-4-stories]

Lullabies for a Baby Blue Bug

Chapter 3: Changeling Child | I have had this fic up for some time on Ao3, I hope you like it all, I have five chapters out right now. Part 1 on Tumblr ____________________________________________________ “Who is interested in a new lullaby?” Both blue and red heads tilt upwards, with a sense of confusion. At the door of their room, the purple-haired woman was standing proudly, making it known that she means business and there was no room for arguments. That’s funny, they usually go to bed whenever they want… just like the Captain does. That just signifies that the crew was trying to do something they didn't want to do while Shanks and Buggy were awake. In most cases, this would prompt the devious children to deny the poor adults their desired outcome. Something that the gremlin children do with pride. But alas, the prospect of a new lullaby inspires curiosity in both children, which overshadows that feeling. And the fact that Rendell was so proud of finding a new lullaby to sing didn't help. So, the game, which they had been playing before the woman made her presence known. Was abandoned by the two, earning a soft stern look from the woman. Silently meaning that they need to clean up their toys before anything happens. So, they did just that, with the bluenette proceeds without complaining, on the other hand, it could not be said about the redhead, who was sighing as if he was undergoing a dreadful action. Whereby earns glares from the purple-haired woman within the room, though it didn’t stop him from sticking out his tongue. Which came after was deserved, the red-haired kid rubbing his forehead, where the woman flicks him sending him dramatically on the floor in defeat. “Shanks knock it off, stop being dramatic like Captain.” Rendell says with a disappointed sigh. Shaking her head at the drama queen on the floor, feigning a shocked and betrayed look towards the unamused woman. It went on a couple of seconds before the children giggled without control, one that couldn’t keep a straight face from what was happening and the other who was unable to continue acting. The bluenette helped the redhead from the floor to finish picking up their toys. ⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜⚜ With all the toys cleaned up, the children start their different routines to get ready for bed. It takes Buggy a lot more time to prepare for bed than Shanks, who was already in bed for a while when Buggy finally came to snuggle close to hear the new lullaby with the other. No matter how much they fight and argue, it would take something horrible to make them walk paths without each other. But the woman knew that Captain would never let something that awful happen. “Alright shitlings, you guys are ready now?” The purple haired woman chuckled at the redhead and bluenette, who are enthusiastically nods their heads Yes. Snuggling closer than they were before and Rendell smooths out their blankets, as she starts the lullaby with a soft hum. The wind blows low and mournful through the Strath of Dalnacreich~~~ Where once there lived a woman who would a mother be~~~ For twelve long years a good man's wife but ne'er the cradle filled~~~ Mother of a changeling child from 'neath the fairy hill~~~

As the woman sings, she gently strokes the bluenette’s hair and rubbing the redhead’s nose in rhythmic manner. Though her voice can be raspy at times, the way Rendell’s sings is comforting and just right. He couldn’t help, but to fall asleep. So that’s what the redhead did. Snuggling closer to Buggy as much as he could. Luckily for him, the bluenette lets it happen. So, Shanks falls asleep content and with a smile. While Buggy blinks away the sleep in his eyes to listen to Rendell’s lullaby until the end. She traveled to the standing stones and crossed into the green~~~ Where all the host of elven folk were dancing there unseen~~~ Through the night she bargained with the Queen and fairies all~~~ Who sent her home at dawning with a babe beneath her shawl~~~ Rendell paid no mind to the door creaking open as she sang the lullaby more. Settling her attention to the bluenette who's still awake. Focusing on putting him to sleep, her voice companying by the continuation patting his hair. How their home was joyful with a son to call their own~~~ But soon they saw the years that passed would never make him grow~~~ The fairies would not answer her, the stones were dark and slept~~~ A babe was all she'd asked for, and their promises they'd kept~~~ It doesn't matter how much his eyes droop. Buggy will stay awake until he hears the rest of the song. Afterall Rendell doesn’t do this often and remembering things isn’t her strong suit. It must have taken her a long time to memorize. He needs to hear the ending… Wind blows low and mournful through the Strath of Dalnacreich~~~ Where once there lived a woman who would a mother be~~~ For fifty years she rocked that babe --- it's said she rocks him still~~~ A chuckle slightly disturbs the lullaby, when Buggy is finally lulled to sleep. Moving his hand towards Shanks, smacking him a bit. But never waking the redhead, no matter how many times it happens. The purple-haired woman smiles fondly at them both. They may be a handful, but it’s something that isn't unwelcome to her.  Their shenanigans always brighten the life that the Roger Pirates lead, giving them surprises in every twist and turn. It was always welcome within Rendell’s book of life. The woman always craved adventure from where she came from. She never expected to come with children that came up with the craziest things to do next to the Captain. But here she was, and she couldn’t have it any other way. A mother of a changeling child from 'neath the fairy hill~~~ A mother of a changeling child from 'neath the fairy hill~~~ Ending it with a whisper, as the woman leans over to kiss their foreheads. She can’t help but to chuckle at Shanks and Buggy, for them sleeping so close to each other. So close that their cheeks are squished together as they both snore away happily. Rendell still pays little attention when she hears footsteps coming closer towards her. Arms wrapped around her, swaying slowly to the beat of the song that she finished. The raven-haired man with the funny mustache she liked, quietly chuckles at the children in the bed. Shanks is already snoring loudly, already moving around in his sleep. Buggy who's drooling, holding tightly to Shanks’s shirt and moving along with him. “Goodnight my little gems” gentler than somebody would think of Gol D. Roger, one of the most powerful pirates in the world. As he softly pats their head, without waking them up, smiling down at Shanks and Buggy with soft eyes and a warm smile placed upon his face. She sighs happily, thinking ‘Yeah, it would take something horrify wrong to get them to separate... Roger would never have that happen as long as he lived.’

[shittinggold]

@restlesshush tagged me to do 10 fandoms, 10 characters, 10 tags, so, in no particular order (and with “fandom” just meaning “piece of media” in some cases):

1. Buffy the Vampire Slayer – Faith Lehane (I mean, of course, right?)

2. The Locked Tomb - Harrowhark Nonagesimus (my favourite horrible gremlin wife)

3. Black Sails - Charles Vane (We need more Vane appreciation on this webbed site)

4. Succession -Kendall Roy (hehe sad little broken man)

5. Doctor Who - Clara Oswald (I have been rewatching S8/9 and man. Clara Oswald, man. Character of all time)

6. House of the Dragon - Alicent Hightower (I dressed as her on Boxing Day! (family fancy dress, "royal" theme (my sister was Rhaenyra)))

7. A Song of Ice and Fire (Yes they're different) - Brienne of Tarth (been thinking a lot about A Feast For Crows lately)

8. Mythic Quest - Poppy Li (second-favourite horrible gremlin wife)

9. Community - Britta Perry (icons stays strong)

10. The Sopranos - Tony Soprano (he's just a little guy. a funny little duck man)

Tagging:

@shewhosleepsalotincemetaries @explosionshark @juanabaloo @nashidakyouko @punksouthie @truestoriesaboutme @procrastinationcelebration @two-blue-stripes @mzyraj @dogmotif

[cerealmonster15]

jamil/azul for the ship bingo thing, if you’re doing it?

YES thanks for enabling me I love u

Hastily circling things with my finger on my lunch lol

No bingo but I love them so much, somehow they became my favorite twst ship LOL it wasn’t like that in the start.. it just kinda happened..

But 2 explain the half slashes

top right - twst is horrible gremlin son simulator to me LOL these boys are messy and some of them are messy little monsters in ways that I think is fun together,,, I love Jamil he’s one of my favorite characters but also he is So Very Rude, especially @ azul who does not mind that bite. And azul is a little freak. I think they could be weird children together that don’t understand friendship. Its FUN. I love my weird little sons.

And the comedy vs romance thing - I def love them together as being In Love but ALSO their bickering is EXTREMELY FUNNY so it’s like half “Heehee ship for funny jokes funny octopus guy pining for cranky snake” and half “these 2 are very complex individuals that despite being very different are also SO ALIKE and if they could get past the angsty cranky brooding I think they could have a genuine understanding of each other and form a solid bond where they make each other feel seen and help each other grow and-“

Basically ya I do in fact go insane over these little blorbos together bc they are very funny and have a lot of fun potential lol

[fr1d4y-wr1t1ng]

Reject-tion Affection <3

“Hallo!” Hullooooo :). “If you watch the episode called ‘Extras’ you would know about the clones or the rejects.” YES!! Spares is like my favorite episode and I love the dumb lil rejects <3 they have my heart. “What would the main four be like with the Tomattoredd who also has a crush on reader. Pls they didn't confess yet.”

LOVE TRIANGLE WITH DA TOMATTOREDD I LOVE THIS CONCEPT ITS SO FUNNY. Of course I'll do this RQ, thisll be fun.

Request: yeahhhhh

Genre: Romantic Headcanons!

CW: None that I can think of!

Characters in Post: Edd, Matt, Tom, & Tord.

Description: Tomattoredd has been your friend for, like, ever! But when Tomattoredd and your best friend started having a ‘rivalry’ well... things get a little weird.

Edd:

At first, Edd doesn't seem to have a problem with your friendship with Tomattoredd.

He did find it a little odd how you could be friends with someone who is essentially the other three and him combined, but otherwise, he isn't that upset about it.

Until... it seemed as if Tomattoredd was... flirting with you. And that pissed him off.

Whenever you had the reject over he constantly glared at them, almost as if he's trying to send a message.

He also starts acting a little more clingy towards you. Just standing in your doorway, having you watch movies with you. He'll, he starts coming with you when you go and get cola!

He tries to hide the fact he wants to be with you... romantically. But also trying to hide that he's jealous.

He doesn't realize that he's jealous though, all he knows is that whenever Tomatttoredd seems to start complimenting and flirting with you, he wants to drag you both the hell out of there.

Edd decides it's for the best he finally confesses, just to at least make it so these horrible thoughts go away.

And when he does, he's so so nervous. Literally shaking and sweating. But he'll be very cheesy, and romantic :D!

“Are uh- Are you an angel? Because I think- I uh- I saw you fall from heaven.” “Edd-?” “anywaysiminlovewithyougooutwithme”

If you choose to accept his offer or not, he'll be fine in the end! Because if you're happy, than he's happy!

But you might have like 3 gremlins hunting you for the rest of your days whoops

Matt:

Now Matt, this guy doesn't get jealous no no.

He gets extra clingy.

And not just the type of clingy that is like “awhh cute cuddles” no this man is practically attached to your hip.

Anywhere you go? Conveniently he's near there. Oh, you wanna go and see Spider-man? What a coincidence Matt has just 2 tickets for both of you to go!

And when Tomattoredd is around, he'll glare at them until you turn back to him.

It's constant cuddles from this guy. It can be nice, sure. But a bit tiring when he's insisting you sleep in his room.

One day, you just kinda snapped at Matt while he was distracted by your mirror.

“Dude! What is it with you!? You've been following me around like a lost puppy for the last week!” “...have I?” “YES! Tell me, is something wrong? Are you scared? Is-Is-”

His face drops and he kinda... sighed? When he stares at you and says. “Sorry.” almost like a guilty child after breaking something. You just say quiet.

And finally he confesses. He's been in love with you. He couldn't quite tell you than and it's kinda hard telling you now.

If you accept him, he'll be ecstatic! He'll end up picking you up and spinning you around in his arms.

If you reject him, he'll probably leave you alone for the next few days. Just to get his mind clear (and he feels horrible that he's such a bother).

But, all's well that ends well I guess.

Tom:

Tom hated Tomattoredd from the moment he met them, and when they start flirting with you. The person he's been crushing on, he's. fuckin. mad.

He does anything and everything to keep your attention on him, because he doesn't want you around that thing!!

It's essentially him, so why not just have the real thing instead of the amalgamation that is the reject yk?

He'll act nice to them face-to-face of course, but the moment you turn your back, he'll tell them to back off.

But a bit into this and he starts to question himself, he actually feels horrible for how he's been acting.

So, while you two watch a movie. He not only confesses to his actions, but to his feelings.

If you choose to accept him he'll smile softly and scooch a bit closer to you as you two keep watching.

And if you choose to reject him, he'll pretend like nothing ever happened for the rest of his day, but inside he's actually devastated.

Tord:

Like Tom, he doesn't really understand why you're friends with Tomattoredd. It's just him mixed with the others?? Like, you already have the real things just talk to them??

But still, oh God, you don't wanna fuck with Tord.

He is possessive. Dating or not he's going to make sure nothing gets in the way of him and his precious y/n.

If he sees Tommattoredd flirting with you, he'll come up behind you and hold you by the waist while staring the reject right in their and saying, “sorry comrade, they’re taken.”

When they back off, Tord would walk away to his room, his mission complete and his duty being done for the day.

When you go and confront him, he'll confess to you that, yeah, he's into you. Who wouldn't be?

If you choose to accept his feelings, he'll invite you to cuddle with him and you two will probably chill for the rest of the night.

But if you reject him, you might wanna get out because there might be a little something getting spilled on the lawn tonight.

[spencers-renaissance]

Shovel Talk

Summary: Hotch and Emily find out about Derek's relationship with Spencer and decide it's time for a chat.

Tags: fluff, humour, est. rel., protective!derek, emily, and hotch, relationship reveal, mentions of past hurt spencer

Pairing: Derek Morgan x Spencer Reid

Word Count: 1.5k

Masterlist // Read on AO3

Inspired by this post by @penemily that I couldn't stop thinking about. Honestly I love this fic so much lol.

Derek isn’t quite sure how he’s found himself in a vacant office after hours, crowded into an office chair with broken wheels as the two most intimidating FBI agents he knows stand over him.

“Either of you want to tell me what the hell’s going on?” Derek asks, bewildered by how quickly his evening had changed. One minute he’s sneaking looks at Spencer over his computer screen, and the next he’s hauled off to a private room like some sort of hostage.

He’s not scared, but he’s definitely a little pissed off. It’s nearing 10pm and all he wants to do is go home with Spencer, curl up on the sofa and eat take-out in front of the TV as they celebrate closing a case in their own way. He used to celebrate by going out for a drink, falling into bed with a stranger if the opportunity arose, but a quiet evening on the sofa with his boy in his arms is surprisingly satisfying these days.

Hotch raises an eyebrow. “We know,” he says simply, something fierce behind his words.

Derek’s heart skips a beat. It’s not hard to figure out what it is he’s talking about. He and Spencer had started dating a couple of months ago but had decided to keep it under wraps for now; something so young and beautiful was too precious to expose to all the inevitable eventual complications just yet. They’re so ridiculously smitten, though, that he’s not exactly surprised two profilers paying close attention had figured it out.

Ignoring the quietly humming nerves starting up in his stomach, he mirrors Hotch’s raised eyebrow, trying not to look as affected as he feels. “So… what? You wait for Spencer to go to the bathroom to lure me to an empty office to beat me up?”

“Maybe,” Emily replies, voice dry.

Behind the nerves and the posturing, Derek can’t feel a small twinge of hurt. “Look, guys, we expected it to be a bit of a shock, but we thought you’d at least be happy for us—”

“It’s not a shock,” Hotch interrupts.

“What?”

“It’s not a shock,” Emily repeats. “Everyone saw this coming a mile off. We’re not surprised.”

Now, he’s even more lost. “Look, can you guys just sit down? You towering over me is creeping me out, man.”

“Good,” Hotch says easily.

Irritation takes over, and he stands up. “You know what, if you’re gonna be funny about it, I don’t actually have to be here.”

Before he can actually make to leave, though, Hotch is shoving him back down into the chair, old metal and plastic creaking under the force of his caught-off-guard body hitting it again. “Stay.”

“What is going on?” Derek explodes. Maybe under different circumstances he’d be able to profile the situation but as it stands, he’s stressed and confused, desperate only to be allowed to leave this dark, cramped room and take Spencer back to his place. It almost surprises him that all he craves in such a weird and unfamiliar situation is cuddles and a nature documentary, but he’s been with Spencer long enough for it to be approaching normal. The younger man’s probably back at his desk by now, wondering where he is, and Derek would hate for him to be worried. He just wants to go home.

“Derek, we are happy for you and Spencer,” Emily finally explains. “But we couldn’t in good conscience let this go on without having a… chat.” Her face twists into the faux charming expression he’s watched her use to disarm unsubs countless times. It stings a little that she’s using it on him.

He splutters a little as a realisation dawns on him, equal parts bemused and offended. “This is… this is a shovel talk!”

“Yes,” Hotch says with a straight face, his expression tight and intimidating as he tilts his head to the side slightly, clearly entirely unaffected by Derek’s emotions. “This is a shovel talk.”

Derek feels himself relax, tension easing slightly. “Guys, I appreciate the sentiment, but Spencer’s my boyfriend; nobody wants to protect him more than I do. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“I’m pretty sure we could give you a run for your money,” Emily says, her expression quickly transforming into something far more dangerous and challenging than only moments previously. “Spencer has something every single member of this team would die to protect. And if you get in our way, then we’re going to have a problem.”

“Emily, what, we’re friends.”

“Yeah,” she agrees, shrugging easily, “and I love you. But Spencer is my little brother, and I would do anything to stop him from getting hurt. As long as you don’t interfere with my primary mission, we’ll be fine.”

Hotch speaks before Derek can get a word in. “Derek, I knew Spencer long before you did. I remember the first time Gideon brought him to one of our lunches, and I saw something in him that made my heart ache. It didn’t take me long to realise that what I saw were the scars left by incredible deep-seated pain. Spencer has been through hell and back throughout his life, and he’s been hurt repeatedly by people who were supposed to protect him, including Gideon. I would do anything to prevent him from getting hurt by someone like that again, you hear me? Anything.”

As confusing as this all is, Derek can’t help but feel touched by Hotch’s earnest, emotional speech. Most of his nightmares these days revolve around Spencer getting hurt, and it’s kind of reassuring to know that he has so many people in the world who will stop at nothing to prevent those horrible dreams from spiralling into reality.

He can’t help but smile a little. “I’m glad he has you two,” Derek says honestly, looking between them, “but I can assure you that if I ever hurt Spencer for some unfathomable reason, your services wouldn’t be needed. I would hate myself enough for all three of us.” Even just considering the hypothetical possibility of hurting Spencer makes his stomach turn: it’s enough for him to know that he wouldn’t need Hotch and Emily to hold him accountable to that, his own self-loathing would be punishment enough.

It seems to appease Hotch and Emily, who Derek realises look sort of like intimidating twin mafia bosses standing over him like this, and they finally step back a little, posture relaxing.

“Well, what are you waiting for then?” Emily says, smiling for real this time. “Get your boy and get home. It’s getting late, you know.”

He rolls his eyes at her as he makes his way to the door.

“Oh, and Derek,” Hotch says, laying a hand on his shoulder, turning him before he can leave, a genuine smile on his face too, “I am actually happy for you and Spencer.”

Derek grins at that. He really is a lucky, lucky man. “Thanks, Hotch.”

“What was that about?” Spencer asks, his features twisting in curiosity as Derek makes his way across the bullpen to his boyfriend, Hotch and Emily emerging from the same room moments later.

Derek doesn’t answer properly, laughing instead. “You got some good friends, you know that?”

Spencer nods, still looking a little confused, but clearly deciding to let it go as he slings his messenger bag across his body, standing up from his desk. Derek slings an arm around Spencer’s shoulders, leading him towards the exit as his insides twist at the adorable blush that colours Spencer’s cheeks so prettily.

“Derek,” he hisses, “shouldn’t we be leaving separately?”

“I think it’s a little late for that,” he chuckles, looking over his shoulder. Spencer does the same, blushing even fiercer as he spots Hotch and Emily leaning against the railing, overlooking the bullpen with all-knowing looks on their faces.

“Oh my god,” Spencer mumbles, clearly embarrassed, but Derek just laughs again as they leave the bullpen and approach the elevators.

“Come on, pretty boy,” he sighs happily, sliding the arm around his shoulders to rest at his waist, fingertips pressing into the small frame of the boy he’s already falling in love with. “Let’s get you home. That penguin documentary awaits.”

“You’re gonna watch Emperors and Kings with me?” Spencer’s happy exclamation and the delighted expression on his face only warms his heart further, and in that moment he decides that he wants a happy Spencer and another nature documentary within his reach for the rest of his life.

Surprisingly, it’s not as terrifying a thought as it might once have been.

(If Derek thinks the shovel talk from Hotch and Emily is bad, though, it’s nothing compared to the one he gets from Penelope. By the end of the next day, he’s somehow reduced to tears that are both happy and the product of extreme terror, on the receiving end of a ‘baby girl’ ban for keeping it from her for so long. In the end, he decides that it’s probably an alright price to pay for everything beautiful that his life has blossomed into over the last few months.)

taglist: @criminalmindsvibez @suburban--gothic @strippersenseii @takeyourleap-of-faith @negativefouriq @makaylajadewrites @iamrenstark @livrere-blue @hotchseyebrows @jellejareau @reidology @i-like-buttons @spencerspecifics @bau-gremlin @hotchedyke @tobias-hankel @goobzoop @marsjareau @garcias-bitch @oliverbrnch @im-autistic @anxious-enby @queerminalminds (taglist form)

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

HASO, “Family Dynamics.”

Thought you guys might enjoy this today.

A lot of you have been asking for more Conn in the stories, so I hope you enjoy :)

“Wow, would you look at that.”

“No.”

“Wow.” “No. Hopping on the nope train and taking a ride to nopeville….. Nope absolutely not.”

“Come on, Krill, isn’t it just….. Just awesome!.”

“That, that right there is an absolute  raging death trap.” “Oh come on>” Adam said, hands on his hips as he stared up at the rocket.. THe Saturn V replica down to the last bolt. He grinned and danced around on his toes in a circle, “This is gonna be so cool!”

Krill turned to look at Adam, “No, no this is not cool, Adam. I am serious this time, not joking. I really don’t want you going in that thing. And with the assassination attempts and…. All that is going on with the GA leaders….” He looked at Adam Very pointedly here, “I don’t think you should do this.”

“Are you serious, a once in a lifetime opportunity and you want me to just say no because there is a possibility someone Might try to kill me?”

“Um…. YES.”

Adam crossed his arms, “Krill, I refuse to let myself live in fear when there is life to be lived.”

Krill turned to look hopefully over at Eris who was standing quietly by his side. She shook her head at him.

“He isn’t going to change his mind.”

“Can you at least try?”

She sighed, “Ok.”

Gently Eris took one of his hands forcing him to look at her, “Da…..Adam think about it please, there are a lot of powerful people after you, powerful and with resources. If they want to kill you, then this will be the perfect time to do it. They could put it off as some horrible accident, and no one would be the wiser.” She paused as he looked back at her, “I can see that this isn’t going to change your mind either.”

He smiled, “This is what I have my people for.” HE took the two of them by the shoulders and led them to where they could overlook the command station in the distance, “In there, right now, there are elements of the criminal underworld that owe me a favor, looking for any clues to indicate an attempt on my life.” He grinned, “Also, I have two secret weapons.”

He put his arm around Eris and then turned his head to look up at the sky.

Eris and Krill followed his lead.

Krill groaned, and Eris went wide eyed.

As a starborn descended from the sky ribbons flapping hands outstretched dropping from heaven like an ethereal angel. Sunlight bounced off his skin as he moved slowly downward hands held out to the side fingers outstretched. She stepped forward and- was immediately hit with a wall of his thoughts.

She no longer saw him as ethereal.

He was an asshole.

Conn drifted towards the ground but didn’t touch ribbons swirling around him seaweed undulating in a dark sea: Yes her thoughts about him had changed that much, he had gone from angel to seaweed rather quickly in her head.

He turned his eyes to her.

‘Who invited you’

Eris frowned, “I-

Adam glowered at Conn, “Be nice to her.”

Conn turned his head to look at Eris and drifted closer looking her over, ‘Oh daddy issues I see, well who doesn't.” He turned to look up at Adam, ‘Gotta love people borrowing your DNA for craft projects especially when they give you kids a little too early.”

Adam was not able to hide the thought that came marching to the forefront of his mind.

You know that’s interesting considering your starborn DNA was the most easily accessible before Eris was born.

He didn’t say it out loud, but he didn’t need to.

Eris made a face, and Conn drew back.

“HIM!”

Shit, Adam thought

“I never said that.”

“But you were thinking it.” She retorted turning on him with her eyes narrowed before turning to look back at Conn, who floated in shock behind her.

Adam held up his hands, “Woah now, I can’t be for sure, it just makes sense.”

Eris turned back to where Conn was floating and made another face, “But, but HIM. I don’t want…. I, I can’t be related to HIM.”

Adam sighed, “Being able to read his thoughts must be a bitch eh?”

Of course at the moment Conn wasn’t really having any thoughts. It was mostly just TV static with an undercurrent of the thoughts of people around him amplifying them even more in Eris’s head. Which is why she could hear Dr Krill quietly inching away as he wondered if he should tell them or nah?

He hd suspected as much the moment they had seen Eris, and learned that the DNA being used was Adam’s.

It had been easy enough to get Adam’s DNA strands from the original hybrids….. The adaptids….. But they would have needed other aliens to pair him with. And there was only one known starborn available to steal DNA from.

Conn’s static continued.

Eris groaned and put her hands to her head.

Adam rubbed his forehead, “Well, on the bright side, you turned out more like your human side of the family.” That’s when the static in Conn’s head fizzled out and he turned to look at Adam. With a sudden Evil grin, which he must have been practicing, for it seemed far to human for him, He floated over and grabbed both of them around the shoulders, “Isn’t this sweet, now we can all be one big happy family.’

“Get off me Conn.” Adam grumbled 

He just squeezed tighter, though as a starborn the strength was somewhat lacking. ‘Don’t talk like that, you and I have a beautiful daughter together. Just look at her. She’s got your internal organs and my skin. Isn’t that lovely.”

“Conn I swear if you keep touching me I will punch you and probably break something.”

Conn made like he was sighing as he pulled away, “You know, as her parents we should really be trying to set an example for a healthy loving relationship. A family that plays together-”

He floated away quickly before Adam could swipe at him missing the strike by mere inches.

“Domestic assault in this household!”

Eris hid her face in her hands, “Oh no.”

She was definitely not sure how she was supposed to feel about this. One the one hand, she was at least glad that he wasn’t repulsed by the idea of her existing. However, on the other hand, it was likely that her paternal starborn side was Conn! The thought made her nauseous . Reading his thoughts made her feel the same way. Clearly this creature, whatever he was had never grown out of petty pranks, and intense sarcasm.

More annoyingly, he seemed to have the ability to hide things from her just by NOT thinking about them. She learned nothing about his past, or really his more internal thoughts. He only let her see what she wanted to see, and what he wanted her to see made her more annoyed the more she thought about it.

“I’m so excited, aren't you. Finally reunited at last!”

Adam sighed, “This is now how I planned this. Conn you stupid bastard, I called you down here to do a job for me.”

“You wouldn’t call your hubby stupid would you?”

Adam looked like he was about to turn green, “Never in a million years would I ever even consider that. In fact, I think I would rather shoot myself out the airlock an have all the nitrogen bubble out of my blood thank you very much.:”

“One night stands happen.”

“Conn I swear if you keep going down this metaphor. I am going to commit murder. Never in a million years would I touch you with a nine and a half foot pole, end of story.”

“Excuse me for being skeptical as you have been known to date aliens in the past.”

“That was Sunny, who is arguably, not even arguably, but she IS smart, talented, funny, a total badass, and a fucking gem, while you are a creepy little space gremlin.”

“Yet I have a kid with you and she doesn’t sooooooo, forgive me if I say I win.”

“We can’t be for sure that she’s yours.”

“I demand a paternity test.”

“Conn, if you don’t let this go right now I am going to rip your spine out through your back and let Waffles chew on it.”

“Bold of you to assume I have a spine.”

Adam took a eep long-suffering breath, “I am done with this conversation, now I called you down here for a reason, and that reason is that I need you two watching out for something going wrong. Eris, as a member of my family you will be allowed inside mission control to watch what is going on. Your job is to make sure that no one is planning my death from the inside.” he turned his head in Conn’s direction and flipped him the bird as he continued to speak, “You on the other hand are in charge of the engineers. I know you don’t give a shit about boundaries, so your job is to hang around the engineers and the rocket hangers to see if any of them had a hand in sabotaging the mission. If you can get near the chairwoman, or the UN President, than do what you can. I need to know how deep all of this goes.” He turned his head to Eris, “You are probably going to be able to get closer to everyone than Conn can. People know he is a starborn and they know what he can do. No one will assume  anything about you if you keep your head low.”

She smiled, “Already done.” A little part of her leaped inside, and she felt giddy. Adam needed her to help protect him! She was being useful for once! Not to mention that this meant he trusted her and….. She turned a side eye on conn, Then again, that probably meant that Adam trusted him too.

The starborn grinned at her again, showing rows and rows of of sharp circular teeth.

She winced and looked away.

Gross 

“I have to get going, but you two should get to work. This is going to be a long week.”

He whistles once, and Waffles jumped up from where she had been resting at his side, and gently trotted after him as he walked away back towards the command station. Eris started after him and Conn floated up next to her.

“What an unexpectedly delightful day, don’t you think.”

“Can you be less creepy please.”

“It runs in the family Eris, you have the creepy inside you too. Embrace it!”

She shoved him away with one hand and ran to catch up with Adam.

She could hear conn laughing behind her as he floated away towards the hangers.

She glanced over his shoulder as she grabbed onto Adam’s arm, “Why is he so weird!”

Adam shrugged, “I think something happened to him when he was first born. I would say that he was dropped on his head, but that’s probably not accurate. Think i heard something about him having been isolated from his clan for the first few thousand years with his dead mother, but I don’t know if that’s true or if it’s just something he made up. Either way I think whatever happened to him kind of made him psycho.”

She glanced over her shoulder to the figure floating off into the distance, “Than why do you keep him around?”

He sighed, “Unfortunately, his abilities are invaluable. The ability to bring him alone when it comes to negotiations, or to talk with new alien species speeds up both diplomatic missions and learning new languages.” He sighed, “Also, as far as I can tell he is pretty loyal. He always does everything I ask him to do as long as it is important enough. Sure if I asked him to pick up after himself he’d probably flip me the bird and go floating in the other direction. But every time something big and important has happened, he has always been relatively reliable. A part of me wonders if he just doesn’t know how to interact with people, and somewhere deep down there is a desire to be wanted, but that’s not something I can prove.” He glanced pointedly at her.

She shook her head, “Sorry, he’s pretty good at hiding what’ he’s thinking.”

Adam grunted, “A real pity. Now-” He turned to look at her, placing his hands on her shoulders and looking her in the eye, “Stay low. If you hear anything, don’t try to do anything about it yourself. Call my ship, either Sunny or Ramirez and they will deal with everything. If you see someone wearing a red pin with a white rocket on it, then those are our undercover guys, and they should be able to help you too. But it’s likely you will know who they are anyway.”

He looked her in the eyes, “Whatever happens, your safety comes first, not mine. You got that/”

She nodded eagerly even though she knew that last instruction was a lie.

He was more important than her.

And she was going to make sure that he stayed safe.

[gamma-gal-24]

MORE "AN EXTREMELY GOOFY MOVIE" CHARACTER HEADCANONS!!

🌅BEACH EDITION!!🌅

Max:

Man, oh man, was this boy ready for a vacay!

After being cooped up on campus with his father for MONTHS, he's just ready to unwind!

Once ge get's there, he spends about as much time in the water as he does on land. If he isn't attempting to surf, he's being chased by crabs on the beach.

Crabs just don't like him for some reason...����

He always manages to catch the girls' attention, but, like Max does, he finds a way to Goof-up

After embarrassing himself a few times, he gathers the boys and poses the idea of icecream. He needs something cold and sweet to erase his embarrassment.

Once he's feeling like hot stuff again, he cons the guys into joining him on the SkyWheel!

After the sun goes down, he sneaks off to the beach again, just to enjoy the noise of the waves and some much deserved peace.

P.J:

Little baby is so excited to see the beach!!😭😭😭

He's ESPECIALLY EXCITED by the fact that PETE won't be there! It's his first time really going on a vacation without his dad breathing down his back!

On the way there, you better believe he was looking up the best pizza joints. You can't go to the beach without getting a massive, extra cheese pizza, now can you? He and Bobby say nay!

He doesn't get in the water much out of fear of jellyfish abd sharks. Yo boy has seen WAY too many documentaries.😅

He DOES like walking the docks, though! Seeing the sailboats makes him sentimental. ^^

At one point he even convinces the guys to let him rent one for them to enjoy!

Once back on land, the gets everyone the BEST beach snacks!

All in all, he has a blast in his own way!

Bobby:

What can I say, Bobby's a cheddar-fueled beach gremlin. ฯ(UwU)ฯ

He teases Pj and Max until they bury him in the sand. He tells the not to stop until they reach his neck.

Out of the three, he's also the most likely the try a shark cage. The others have to talk him out of it.

Instead, he makes himself and anyone who wants one a shell necklace.

He gets a henna tattoo from a souvenir shop, but somehow manages to get a REALLY inappropriate one without realizing it... Max and P.j teased him relentlessly.

He's a seagull's best friend. He eats messy enough to leave a bloody buffet behind for them. It gets to the point where they just follow him around. He finds it cool.😎

He also crashed a jet ski into a palm tree, but we won't talk about that...😅

Bradley Uppercrust III:

You already know his dad's the one paying for this.😂

Fancy suite, prime beach spot, the works.

Like Max, he spends quite a bit of time in the water. Be it in the ocean or at the pool, he doesn't care.

And let me tell you, this boy tans PERFECTLY. Sadly though, he has to get horribly BURNED first. So if you catch him wearing a light jacket on the pier, it's probably because he's tired of being called a lobster.

When he isn't tanning(burning) or swimming, he likes to pop open a drink and read under the shade of an umbrella. Some say it's lame, but he couldn't be more content.

He tends to not return to the hotel room until long past sunset.

Bradley's overall happiest on the beach. UwU

Tank:

While Max is running from crabs, Tank here has four to five hermit crabs in his hands at all times. He just thinks they're neat! And quite frankly, the feeling seems to be mutual.❤

He prefers swimming in a pool rather than the ocean, but not by much. The salt water bugs his eyes.

Yes, he HAS thrown Bradley into the ocean. It was a grand experience for everyone watching. It was especially funny watching Bradley pop back up and try to push Tank in, only to fail miserably.

Tank also enjoys building sandcastles! They aren't usually very pretty, but by golly is he proud of his two foot-deep motes around them.

He likes collecting shark teeth, too!

Goofy:

He goes the same time as Max and his friends, but actually stays out of their business as much as he can convince himself to.

Of course he WANTS to make sure his son has sunblock and towels handy 50 times a day, but Sylvia is there with him to remind him to let the kids have some fun on their own.

He then opts for beach combing instead! He finds the prettiest shells and makes picture frames with them!

He also gets hit in the head with a coconut at some point. QwQ

He's also the one that ACTUALLY gets stung by a jellyfish... Sylvia politely ushers him towards an indoor pool after that...

Every night he manages to get Max to join him and Sylvia to see the sunset. It's a very nice bonding moment for the three of them. ^^

Roxanne & Stacy:

You already know these two are SLAYING hot-girl summer.😎

Their outfits are BOMB, and thier swimsuits are just as fine!👌

They stop by ALL the souvenir shops and end up spending WAY too much. But, on the bright side, they have lots of cute stuff now!

Roxanne's the more chill of the two, happy to just sit on the beach and pick through sea glass. Stacy however, keeps dragging her off to flirt with boys or try weird food.

They're the two friends you see with matching tye-dye.

Roxanne INSISTS on a visit to the aquarium. By the time she leaves, she's already daydreaming about a job as a professional mermaid.

[avenger-hawk]

I know it's a Sasuke centric blog but based on your Kakashi reblogs i assumed he is one of your favourite characters. I wanted to know your opinions and headcanons on his ships such as with Obito, Iruka, Yamato, Guy...

Also thank you for your team Taka posts I really enjoy them.

Thank you, tbh I wish there were more Team Taka content, my blog would have much more of them if there was. And yes it’s a Sasuke centric blog, but because of the lack of good Sasuke content (like, no canon pairings, no shitty pairings and ooc dynamics, no self-insert Sasxreader, no oocness and stupid meme or fake woke essays) I broadened my reblogs to characters I like as well. Like Kakashi, who imo is a very interesting one.

As for ships, my opinion on most minor characters is based on how I liked their interactions with Sasuke, Kakashi ships aren’t interesting to me. Also because I ship him in *insert tumblr sjw concerned voice* ewwww problematic ships* which are mentioned pretty much everywhere in the blog. So. If you ships whose ships you mentioned sorry, I’m not judging you ofc but but you asked about them so I’m going to judge those ships and ughlol.

Kakaobi/Obikaka: I like it. It makes sense, it has depth, much more than anything with Rin, like all mlm pairings compared to het pairings tbh. It’s angsty and can be dark, so I like it.

Kaka.iru/Iku.kaka: is one of the stupidest ships ever, and I like crack ships and rare pairings a lot. I kind of hate it because it’s overrated, I mean, it was cause when the manga started NAr, Sas and the others were basically children drawn like ugly gremlins (imo kishi’s style got better with time and by the time the inn scene and/or the VOTE fight happened he was ok but the beginning was horrible), totally not shippable, so Kakashi and Iruka were basically the only ones who could be shipped. Cause they have no interaction until the Pain arc. Overrated and boring af. Like Iruka, a character I couldn’t care less about lol, sorry

Gai.kaka/Kaka.gai: Boring af cause Gai is boring af to me. But dynamics wise it makes sense, they have moments, but still, too boring for me.

Yama.kaka/Kaka.yama: the level of boring of this one is the same as with Iruka, but at least they interact more. And those interactions are funny. But Yamato is really boring. too boring to be shipped with someone lol.

[gingersnapwolves]

The Untamed, a brief summary [Part 5/6]

Part One: Sword Wizard School

Part Two:  The Search for the Yin Iron and the World’s Worst Summer Camp

Part Three: The Fall of Lotus Pier and the Sunshot Campaign

Part Four: The Downward Spiral

Part Five: Mo Manor, Hungry Sabers, and Yi City

Ext, Mo Manor [I … actually have no idea where this is geographically.]

16 years have passed. A mysterious guy whose face we don’t see sits in an inn while a dude enthusiastically tells stories about the horrible Yiling Patriarch (Wei Wuxian’s title before he died.)

Wei Wuxian wakes up. He is confused, as dead people tend to be upon waking up.

ENTER A MENTALLY ILL CHARACTER WHO DESERVED BETTER

He hears the voice of Mo Xuanyu, telling him that he had no choice but to summon him, and now Wei Wuxian must take revenge for him. He has four curse marks on his arm, one for each target.

A sidebar: in the book, Wei Wuxian is summoned into Mo Xuanyu’s body, which makes way more sense. In the show, however, they didn’t really want to change actors halfway through, which I dig, so he’s in his own body for Reasons Never Made Clear. Because of this, they give him a metal mask to wear, saying Mo Xuanyu was a weirdo who wore a mask all the time and nobody has seen his face in years. We all love Xiao Zhan and don’t want him replaced so we accept this.

ENTER THE DUCKLINGS

Here are two young cultivators from the Lan sect, Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi. The former is sweet and kind, the latter is ‘fight me’ in a fun way. 

Wei Wuxian has no idea what’s going on but decides it’s time to Cause Problems. He figures out that Mo Xuanyu is yet another one of Jin Guangshan’s illegitimate sons. However, Mo Xuanyu’s mother was a member of the gentry, so he got to study at Koi Tower until he got thrown out for unspecified bad behavior. Everyone says that Mo Xuanyu was a lunatic. 

Wei Wuxian meets the Lan ducklings, has flashbacks to Lan Wangji, and decides to hide in his room and play sad music on a blade of grass.

An angry sword spirit shows up and kills a bunch of people. The ducklings call Lan Wangji, and Wei Wuxian hides before he can be seen. Lan Wangji wraps everything up and subdues the angry sword spirit but doesn’t know what’s going on.

Three of the four curse marks on Wei Wuxian’s arm vanish, indicating that the three members of the Mo family who were killed were three of the four targets of revenge. Wei Wuxian steals a donkey and runs away.

The mystery man from earlier throws a chunk of gold to the storyteller.

Ext, Dafan Mountain [Yiling]

Wei Wuxian argues with his donkey a lot, and it’s pretty funny.

ENTER A TRUST FUND BRAT

Jin Ling is now 16. He is a huge brat and we like him anyway. Given that he was raised mostly by Jin Guangyao and Jiang Cheng, he’s actually more well-adjusted than he has any right to be. Of course, the bar for ‘well-adjusted’ in this show is sitting on the ground (and half the characters have gone to get shovels). Jin Ling has set up a bunch of spirit capture nets in the forest, and they capture a bunch of cultivators instead. Wei Wuxian cuts them down, and he and Jin Ling get in a fight. (Wei Wuxian doesn’t know who he is, because why would he?)

Wei Wuxian calls him a little punk and pins him to the ground with a talisman. Jiang Cheng shows up and is pissed. Wei Wuxian runs away again.

Turns out everyone is there for some sort of night hunt. Lan Wangji and the ducklings show up. Lan Wangji is a petty bitch who no longer speaks to Jiang Cheng, and it’s great. He’s destroyed all the spirit nets Jin Ling placed for pretty much no reason other than that he can. Jin Ling is pissed. Lan Wangji puts the silencing spell on him because he’s being a brat. Jiang Cheng decides this isn’t worth getting into a bitch fight with Lan Wangji over and huffs off with Jin Ling.

They all end up at the mountain where the statue from the first arc was. It’s eating people again, or something like that. Wei Wuxian talks to the ducklings, who listen to him because he helped them with the sword spirit at Mo Manor. 

The statue attacks, and it’s chaos! Wei Wuxian decides that now is the time for some demonic cultivation. He starts playing a new flute (poorly, because he just carved it out of nearby bamboo). Wen Ning shows up. Everyone, including me, goes “WTF?!?!” because we all thought Wen Ning had been destroyed by the Jin sect.

Wei Wuxian realizes this is more trouble than he can handle and uses his flute to get Wen Ning to leave. But it’s too late. Lan Wangji and Jiang Cheng have seen him. Lan Wangji grabs his wrist. They stare at each other for like a solid 30 seconds and it’s great.

Then Jiang Cheng ruins everything, because he assumes (correctly) that someone playing the flute and controlling Wen Ning is, in fact, Wei Wuxian. He hits Wei Wuxian with the lightning whip. A fun feature of the lightning whip is that, if an evil spirit is possessing someone, the whip will smack them out of the body. This doesn’t happen to Wei Wuxian, since he was summoned by Mo Xuanyu himself. Jiang Cheng gets a little confused by this and Lan Wangji takes the opportunity to grab Wei Wuxian and bounce.

 Int, Cloud Recesses [Gusu]

Wei Wuxian wakes up in Lan Wangji’s room. He says, ‘if I said I didn’t know where I was these past 16 years, would you believe me?’ and Lan Wangji says ‘yes’ without hesitation. I cry again.

 Ext, Cloud Recesses [Gusu]

Lan Wangji is down in the cold springs. Wei Wuxian decides, like a gremlin, to go bug him there. But he sees Lan Wangji shirtless and he’s got a bunch of scars and it freaks Wei Wuxian out so he doesn’t hit on him.

Lan Qiren has been trying to suppress the sword spirit but it attacks him. Wei Wuxian plays his flute (badly) and the ducklings all wonder why the hell he’s even here. They figure out the sword spirit is trying to lead them somewhere.

 Ext, Yueyang [Qinghe]

The sword has pointed them here and strange things are afoot. Wei Wuxian asks a guy if there’s some reason the sect leader isn’t taking care of it. He finds out that Nie Mingjue died in the intervening years while he was gone, and that Nie Huaisang is now sect leader and keeps telling people to please not ask him to fix problems because he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Nie Huaisang remains the most relatable.

They run into Jin Ling, who’s there with his adorable dog for night-hunting reasons. Wei Wuxian freaks out because he’s afraid of dogs. Lan Wangji leaps in to defend him and Jin Ling looks like he just found out gay people exist.

 Ext, the forest [Qinghe]

There’s a weird tomb full of coffins with sabers in them. Jin Ling has broken in and nearly gets swallowed by the building. Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian rescue him. He now has a gnarly curse mark on his leg. When they get outside, someone’s been watching them. Lan Wangji goes after him while Wei Wuxian gets Jin Ling back to the city. Lan Wangji only gets a scrap of fabric but recognizes the pattern.

 Int, an inn [Qinghe]

Jin Ling freaks out when he wakes up because he thinks Mo Xuanyu is nuts. (One must presume he knows Mo Xuanyu better than the ducklings, since Mo Xuanyu is technically his uncle, and Jin Ling lives at Koi Tower a lot of the time so they would have encountered each other.) Wei Wuxian lets him go.

 Int, a different inn [presumably] [Qinghe]

Lan Wangji has dragged Nie Huaisang in for a little chat, because he knows Nie Huaisang was spying on them in the forest. Nie Huaisang tries to plead ignorance but then admits that the Nie sect has this problem where their swords are so bloodthirsty that they have to be buried like people and fed criminals occasionally, like one would if they had a particularly large python for a pet. Wei Wuxian clearly wonders how, in that case, they had any right to criticize him for a little light necromancy.

 Ext, Yueyang [Qinghe]

Lan Wangji leaves to … shit. I don’t remember. Well, he goes to do something, presumably important, leaving Wei Wuxian on his own. Wei Wuxian promptly gets spotted by Jiang Cheng and Jin Ling, and Jiang Cheng captures him. He says he doesn’t care that the lightning whip didn’t expel him, he knows he’s Wei Wuxian. He’s super pissed but doesn’t actually kill Wei Wuxian or even really hurt him, clearly conflicted about the whole situation.

Jin Ling suddenly ‘remembers’ important information about something that happened earlier to send Jiang Cheng on a wild goose chase. It’s likely that Jiang Cheng doesn’t actually believe this but he leaves anyway. Jin Ling sneaks Wei Wuxian out. Wei Wuxian tells him he’ll be in trouble because Jiang Cheng thinks he’s the Yiling Patriarch. Jin Ling scoffs because Jiang Cheng is always finding ‘Yiling Patriarchs’ in an ongoing search to find his brother.

Once in the forest, Wei Wuxian knocks Jin Ling out. He then transfers the curse mark from Jin Ling to himself because sixteen years of being dead didn’t teach him any self-preservation skills at all. 

 Int, the spirit-eating saber tomb [Qinghe]

Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian bring the sword spirit to the tomb. It tells them they did a good job and then points them somewhere else, like some sort of spiritual scavenger hunt or an extremely intense game of Where in the World is Carmen San Diego. They theorize that the sword spirit is probably Baxia, Nie Mingjue’s sword, and it’s trying to lead them to wherever his body is. Nie Huaisang looks pretty upset about this, which seems reasonable. Our heroes promise him they’ll figure out what’s going on and return his brother’s body to him if possible.

Lan Wangji gives Wei Wuxian more details on Nie Mingjue’s death. The Nie sect has a history of ‘qi deviation’, which is sort of like a magical backlash. This is, they now figure, likely due to struggling to control these violent saber spirits. Lan Xichen and Jin Guangyao were both working to try to help Nie Mingjue avoid qi deviation but failed, and he had a violent fit, ran away, and was never seen again.

 Ext, Yueyang [Qinghe]

Continuing in the vein of ‘shit, a lot happened while you were dead’, Lan Wangji tells Wei Wuxian that Xue Yang turned up a little while afterwards and Jin Guangshan made him a member of the Jin sect. Nie Mingjue wanted him executed for the murder of the Chang clan, but the lone survivor suddenly recanted his testimony, and not long after that, Nie Mingjue died/went missing. Xue Yang ended up in a pretty good spot. Wei Wuxian basically says ‘what a world’ and Lan Wangji takes his drink and knocks it back.

By the way, Jin Guangshan is now dead too, having died ‘in bed’ a little while after Nie Mingjue disappeared. I can’t remember when Wei Wuxian finds that out. But good riddance anyway.

Now drunk after one shot, Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian have a touching moment or twelve. Lan Wangji admits that he regrets not helping Wei Wuxian in his last life, and Wei Wuxian tells him not to worry about it. After Lan Wangji falls asleep, Wei Wuxian goes outside and uses his new flute (which Lan Wangji has fixed up a bit) to summon Wen Ning. He finds that they’ve put nails in his head to suppress his consciousness, and removes them. They reunite and it’s emotional. 

But before much can happen, Lan Wangji wanders drunkenly from the inn. Wen Ning goes to hide, and Wei Wuxian ends up babysitting drunk Lan Wangji again and it’s hilarious. Drunk Lan Wangji tries to steal chickens for him and also graffitis a random house. 

When they get back to the inn, a masked man shows up and tries to steal the sword spirit. Even black-out drunk, Lan Wangji beats him, but he seems to have inside knowledge of the Lan sect fighting style. Then he uses a teleportation talisman, which hardly anybody has the skill to use.

 Ext, Yi City [Hell, as far as I can tell]

Listen. I’m going to be honest with y’all again. This arc messed me up. I have no desire to revisit it in detail and it virtually never comes up in my fics. So I’m going to be very, very brief here.

Xue Yang tricked Xiao Xingchen into killing a bunch of innocent people, including Song Lan, who is now a fierce corpse under Xue Yang’s control. Xiao Xingchen found out what happened and killed himself. Xue Yang freaked out because he either a) actually loved Xiao Xingchen in his own messed up way, or b) was having a tantrum like a little kid who broke their favorite toy by playing too rough with it. Your mileage may vary and a thousand fanfics have been written about this issue. Since then, he’s been hanging out in Yi City, which is full of dead people and poison.

The really important part is that Xue Yang has been using yin iron to do all this stuff. 

The ducklings followed a bunch of clues here, along with Jin Ling. Wei Wuxian herds them around while Lan Wangji fights Xue Yang and eventually kills him. The same masked man shows up, grabs the yin iron off Xue Yang’s dead body, and teleports again.

They find a headless body in a coffin underneath Xiao Xingchen’s, and the sword spirit reveals itself to be Baxia, indicating that it is indeed Nie Mingjue. Song Lan, now released from Xue Yang’s control, takes Xiao Xingchen’s sword and a spirit pouch with his fragmented soul and goes to be a wandering cultivator. It’s really depressing.

  Ext, some city [I don’t remember]

Everyone’s kind of shell-shocked by the fuckery that was Yi City, so they’re trying to chill out. Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian have a tender moment watching the juniors shopping. Wei Wuxian says, ‘If A-Yuan had lived, he’d be about their age now.’ Lan Wangji looks at him like he just realized he left the stove on. Meanwhile Lan Sizhui is fascinated by a stand selling toys just like ones Wen Yuan had at the Burial Mounds. Hm …

Lan Xichen has arrived. Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji show him Baxia and he’s really sad since he and Nie Mingjue were bros. Wei Wuxian (still pretending to be Mo Xuanyu) says that at this point, they know whoever killed Nie Mingjue and hid his body is a) friends with Xue Yang, and b) familiar with the Lan sect fighting style. He points out that this sounds a lot like Jin Guangyao, who had a ‘complicated history’ with Nie Mingjue.

Lan Xichen says it can’t be Jin Guangyao, because Jin Guangyao has been with him every night talking about important matters for the last week or so. Also, the use of the teleportation talisman has a negative effect on one’s health and he can personally attest that Jin Guangyao shows no signs of having used it. Another two thousand fanfics spring into existence.

At the end of the conversation, he calls Wei Wuxian by his name. Wei Wuxian takes off his mask and says ‘Damn, I should’ve known I couldn’t fool you.’ Lan Xichen pulls that whole ‘oh I didn’t actually know until you confirmed it just now’ trick but let’s be real there is absolutely no idea Lan Xichen didn’t already know, given that his brother has only ever tolerated one (1) person in his entire life.

 Int, the inn [wherever they are]

The ducklings are fighting, mostly because Jin Ling is mad that Lan Sizhui said something halfway complimentary about Wei Wuxian, who he hates for killing his father (and causing his mother’s death). The other ducklings are like “bro, chill”. Jin Ling will not chill. Jin Ling will NEVER chill. Wei Wuxian is sad because his nephew hates him.

Lan Sizhui tries to explain that he only meant maybe they should have all the facts before they condemn someone. Jin Ling continues to not be chill. Lan Wangji buys Wei Wuxian some booze to cheer him up.

Despite Lan Xichen’s words, they’re still convinced Jin Guangyao is involved, and make plans to go to Koi Tower and look for Nie Mingjue’s head. Lan Xichen comes back in and tells them he’s thought about it and if they find evidence, they should bring it to him. They agree.

 ~end of part 5~

[nautilusopus]

do you have any favorite books?

Coraline by Neil Gaiman is the obvious answer lol. Still my favourite book to this day, obviously hugely influential in my own bullshit. Seriously check it out if you can find a copy, it’s pretty short and absolutely worth your time.

The Devil’s Storybook by Natalie Babbitt and its sequel (The Devil’s Other Storybook) are more of an anthology of short stories starring the Devil, who occupies every role from vague background presence to put-upon protagonist that are funny and thought-provoking and genuinely clever and that pissed enough people off that it was a banned book for a while. “The Imp in the Basket” is the kind of short story I wish more people knew about and wanted to sincerely discuss what actually happened at the end.

ugh i haven’t read a book i actually enjoyed in over ten years at this point uhhhhhh

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut. I think potentially the only classic I had to read in school that I genuinely liked and actually finished in one sitting on my own time. And I think the first time any themes a book had for me actually clicked and I was able to do any kind of meta analysis of it completely unprompted. Baby’s first literary comprehension. Slaughterhouse-Five is a semi-autobiographical piece set during the bombing of Dresden in WWII, and also some period in the “future” (the 80s lol), and ALSO on an alien planet as the protagonist is abducted and taken to a human zoo. The story is told achronologically, and I feel is hugely influential to my own shit where it skips around, building a narrative almost entirely by juxtaposing specific moments in time against one another. It's surreal and thought-provoking, and if you only ever make yourself read one classic, it should be this one. *

Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH by Robert C. O'Brien. Bear in mind this thing has fuck-all to do with the movie, and while in retrospect I now am able to enjoy the Don Bluth movie as its own thing, I remember being fucking furious when they busted out a goddamn magical amulet. It’s a different kind of story, but is more magic realism than outright fantasy, and the titular rats get a lot more backstory, as does the late Mr. Frisby iirc.

The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane by Kate DiCamillo. God that book fucked me up. It is about a snotty porcelain toy rabbit that gets dropped overboard a ship into the ocean one day, and the various owners he has over the years as he changes hands, and the impacts they have on him, and it makes me fucking cry every time and is to date the only book to ever do so so fairly warned be ye. Fucking shit I wish I could dish out gut-punches half as good as that book could.

The His Dark Materials trilogy by Phillip Pullman, which in and of itself is an angry rebuttal against everything the Chronicles of Narnia has to say, as well as Christianity in general. You’ve probably seen shit floating around about the HBO series, which I have not watched. Lyra is a horrible gremlin child running wild around a parallel universe Oxford until she accidentally stumbles onto a conspiracy that goes all the way to the Church which unofficially runs the government and eventually starts an interdimensional war against God. The first two books I think are better than the last one, which really drags in spots (and in a twist of irony had Lyra’s sexual awakening censored from the North American release which like... come on man). Absolutely worth checking out though, especially if you’re an angry pedant like I am.

Tales from the House of Bunnicula, by James Howe. Honestly the entire "Bunnicula Expanded Universe"(???) is great, but in particular I'm mentioning this sub-series because I think it actually kind of taught me to write. The framing device used is that they're being written by Howe's pet dog and sent in to him to publish by proxy. On top of having just a lot of good storytelling tips for beginners (how to create a plot! how to create character motivations! how to write female characters like actual people!), they're also fun little satire pieces of various kinds of genre fiction. Like, the third book is a riff on Harry Potter and making fun of all of JKR's worst writing tendencies, like her compulsion to phonetically write out everyone's fucking accent.

these days i'm just too picky to enjoy books anymore idfk. you have no idea how fucking disheartening it was growing up with actual taste (snooty snooty snoot) and watching everyone go nuts over stuff like divergent and eragon and maximum ride and fuckmothering twilight and shit. like, yeah misogyny absolutely played into why people shat on it because teenage girls aren't allowed to like anything, but lest we forget they were still shitty books guys. that never stopped being true or anything. and you were a social pariah if you didn't like them and that sucked. and then a couple ostensibly good series, like harry potter and artemis fowl and hunger games just dropped the fucking ball for one reason or another as they went on and never picked it back up. i think the mid 2000s almost singlehandedly just killed any real enthusiasm i had for reading altogether (this is not even getting into the fact a lot of really fucking bad "grown-up" novels came out around that period too. whole era was a baaaad time for books). so here i am writing, i guess, because i've decided you fuckers can't be trusted to make anything good yourselves. if you want something done right...

(*I like to think if Cloud wrote a book he’d write something like Slaughterhouse-Five. I think at one point I was even working on a fic along those lines -- a fictional story vaguely based off the burning of Nibelheim and the fall of Shinra that was written, in-universe, by Cloud several years later. Abandoned it just because of how fucking complicated it would be to do. Might come back to it one day.)

[blossom-hwa]

3racha cafe au ps? bc the one w the dancers was so funny

KASJDHG I’M GLAD YOU FOUND MY MEDIOCRE ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR FUNNY ANON <3 <3 ANYWAY I LIVE FOR 3RACHA BEING IDIOTS SO THANK YOU FOR SENDING THIS IN, I HOPE YOU LAUGH AT IT!!!!

3-year anniversary drabble game: send me an NCT/WAYV/Stray Kids/The Boyz member + a prompt (check out the post for ideas) and  I’ll write a drabble for you!

I’M SO SORRY I HIT POST ON ACCIDENT WHEN I WASN’T DONE SO I HAD TO PRIVATE THIS SO I COULD FINISH IT HHHHHH

~

Title: Cafe Shenanigans

Pairing: no pairings, just 3racha being dumb

Triggers: a lot of cursing, suicidal jokes (purely jokes, if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please do not read this - it’s along the lines of like ‘pls kill me now’ but yeah)

~

quick clarification:

better than tony: chan

chingban: changbin

gremlin: jisung 

~

better than tony: changbin what have I told you about swearing in front of customers

chingban: not to do it

better than tony: then why did I hear you say shit when you knocked your head against the counter

gremlin: HOW DID CHANGBIN KNOCK HIS HEAD AGAINST THE OUCNTER EVEN HE’S NOT /THAT/ SHORT

chingban: I don’t exist for anything but pain

chingban: when will I stop being clowned for no reason

chingban: also I stooped down to get more syrup okay I wasn’t standing when I fucking hit my head

better than tony: you will stop being clowned when you learn the meaning of professionalism

gremlin: didn’t you lock yourself in the bathroom one time to send cat memes to minho

better than tony: THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT

chingban: pls let it go chan the guy just laughed okay

chingban: no harm done

chingban: well my dignity is in pieces

gremlin: can’t break something that never existed

chingban: watch me pour hot coffee down your throat while you scream in pain tiny sucker

gremlin: who’s calling me tiny

better than tony: kids please

chingban: ONE FUCKING CENTIMETER

better than tony: I'm the manager and they still won’t listen to me

better than tony: I'm giving up on life

gremlin: we’re right here you know

better than tony: did I say something wrong?

chingban: ooooo breaking out the punctuation

chingban: he’s serious today

better than tony: I'm always serious

gremlin: your cat memes say otherwise

better than tony: WILL YOU LET THAT GO

~

gremlin: if another bitch asks for a complicated-ass order, fucking soy latte with no foam or whatever the fuck

gremlin: I'm going to slit my throat in front of the cameras

gremlin: and my ghost will haunt this fucking cafe for the rest of time

chingban: aren’t there better things to do after you’re dead

chingban: like

better than tony: rejoice in the fact that you are no longer alive?

chingban: ^^

gremlin: no I just want to make sure I'm a pain in your asses even beyond the grave

chingban: a little bitch even in death, I see

gremlin: you got me !

better than tony: why do you have an extra space between your last word and the exclamation mark

gremlin: extra chaos

better than tony: as if your existence wasn’t chaotic enough already

chingban: just a suggestion

chingban: if you want to haunt us beyond the grave

chingban: team up with that little dude ji changmin across the mall at build a bear

gremlin: omg yes thank you for this lovely piece of advice

better than tony: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

better than tony: N O

better than tony: CHANGBIN WHY WOULD YOU GIVE HIM IDEAS

chingban: I need entertainment

chingban: and you getting scared shitless is entertainment

chingban: additionally if I'm the one providing the advice by the transitive property I'm not the one who gets pranked

gremlin: <3

better than tony: I should honestly fire both of you

better than tony: all you do is text at work

better than tony: swear in front of customers

better than tony: and leAVE HAIRPINS IN THE FUCKING SINK

gremlin: I APOLOGIZED FOR THAT

chingban: felix says minho threatens to fire him and hyunjin at least once every shift

better than tony: I should do the same

gremlin: nah you’re too soft for that

chingban: ^^

better than tony: I want to argue but I can’t and I hate it

gremlin: <3

chingban: <3

better than tony: maybe I'll be the one who slits his throat in front of the cameras

gremlin: no you won’t you’re too soft to haunt us beyond the grave

better than tony: you’re right I won’t haunt you

better than tony: I'll just enjoy being dead and not fucking alive and having to deal with you

chingban: ngl that sounds like a pretty sweet deal

gremlin: but haunting

chingban: no

gremlin: :(

better than tony: changbin look you’ve made him sad

chingban: I-

chingban: YOU STARTED IT

better than tony: <3

chingban: breaking news chan has the capacity for evil and I don’t like it

~

gremlin: in my defense I was left alone

better than tony: that doesn’t explAIN THE FUCKING FIRE IN THE R E F R I G E R A TO R

better than tony: HOW DO YOU EVEN SET FIRE TO A FUCKING REFRIGERATOR

chingban: I honestly wonder why chan hasn’t fired us yet

chingban: mostly jisung but also me

better than tony: A R E F R I G E R A T O R

gremlin: chan

gremlin: listen

gremlin: was this worse than ‘wow’

better than tony: .... 

chingban: nothing could be worse than wow

chingban: his gc name is proof

better than tony: FUCK

gremlin: okay cool thank you for agreeing 

gremlin: now

gremlin is typing...

chingban: the fuck are you typing 

chingban: a whole ass essay??

gremlin: if setting a fire in a refrigerator is still a less horrible mess than wow was, that means that chan can no longer yell at me for setting a fire in a refrigerator because he was one of the main contributors to the mess that wow was, meaning because he contributed to a bigger mess than the refrigerator fire, he is unable to yell at me because to do so would be hypocrisy because he committed a worse crime than I did

chingban: did that... did that really just fucking make sense

chingban: quick chan use your lawyering skills to find some loophole in this there’s no way jisung can be making sense

gremlin: okay fuck you

better than tony: your argument is invalid because you also contributed to wow

chingban: ROASTED

gremlin: fuck I really thought I had chan beat there for a moment

chingban: fat chance 

better than tony: OKAY AS PUNISHMENT

better than tony: NO MORE TEXTING GET BACK TO WORK

gremlin: yes papi

better than tony: oh my god I hate it here

~

gremlin: question

gremlin: if cookie monster entered the cafe and pointed a gun at me and told me to give him all of the cookies in the display case and the oven

gremlin: what should I do

better than tony: I 

better than tony: I don’t even know how to respond to this

chingban: give him the cookies wtf

chingban: where’s your sense of self-preservation

gremlin: flew away the first time I jumped out of a two-story window to avoid becoming ‘it’ in a game of tag in third grade

better than tony: that

better than tony: that explains so much

chingban: I feel like I should be surprised but I'm really not

chingban: that’s the most jisung thing I've ever heard of

gremlin: <3

gremlin: but back to my question

gremlin: what should I do

chingban: I literally said to give him the fucking cookies

better than tony: I agree with changbin

gremlin: but what if he gets greedy and asks for the cheesecake too

gremlin: and it’s my day to take home the leftover cake

better than tony: would you die for cheesecake???????????

gremlin: without a moment’s hesitation

chingban: the amount of brain cells I lost throughout this conversation

chingban: unfathomable

better than tony: I'm quitting my job

gremlin: no pls don’t who else will changbin and I bother during breaks

chingban: you say that kind of bullshit about cookie monster and cheesecake and then you go and say ‘changbin and I’ instead of ‘me and changbin’ like normal people?????????

gremlin: look you may have had a crusty ass English teacher but my English teacher was LIT and I'll have you know I would take a bullet for her

gremlin: the least I can do use proper grammar when it comes to common mistakes

gremlin: mistakes that plebs like you make

better than tony: this conversation has gone off the rails

chingban: a train wreck

gremlin: more like 15 train wrecks mashed into one

better than tony: just. pls get back to work

gremlin: not unless you promise not to fire yourself

better than tony: it’s?? not?? possible?? for?? me?? to?? fire?? myself??

chingban: he means quit

better than tony: oh

chingban: I speak fluent jisung

better than tony: pls shut up 

better than tony: fine I promise

better than tony: please get back to work

better than tony: preferably without burning any refrigerators

gremlin: no promises

better than tony: I'll take what I can get

[peppersonironi]

Siblings: The Truth of the Matter

For @duketectivecomics‘s Duke Week Day Six: All in Batfamily

Summary: Duke had a strange family. Two of his siblings had been raised from birth to be assassins. One was born in a circus. One had been a crime lord for a time. Yet another was the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company by the age of seventeen. All of them dressed up in spandex every night to punch bad guys.So when he was woken up by icy water being splashed in his face, tied to a chair in nothing but his boxers, he wasn't surprised. Now, that's not to say he wasn't worried. Duke was definitely worried. Especially since it was these two. AKA Duke gets tied up and questioned by his siblings, all while drugged with Truth Serum!

Notes: I’ve had this for a while (it was going to be a chapter of my Batfam/Avengers Crossover), and figured I might as well submit it! What’s family without pranks, right? I might do a new one later on, but we’ll see!

Duke had a strange family. Two of his siblings had been raised from birth to be assassins. One was born in a circus. One had been a crime lord for a time. Yet another was the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company by the age of seventeen. All of them dressed up in spandex every night to punch bad guys.

So when he was woken up by icy water being splashed in his face, tied to a chair in nothing but his boxers, he wasn't surprised. Now, that's not to say he wasn't worried. Duke was definitely worried. Especially since it was these two.

“Now, Thomas,” Damian said, setting a now empty water bucket to the side, “we have a few questions for you-”

“And since we loaded you up with truth serum, there's no way you're getting out of it!” Jason finished. He had an evil grin on his face as he fiddled with a hanging lightbulb that provided light to the otherwise pitch-dark room.

“Of course, the results of this session will go straight to Father. I'm sure he will take them into account with your training.” Damian had produced a clipboard from somewhere, and began to write on it with a… was that a feather quill? Gosh, Duke's brothers were so extra. “Todd, you may now commence.”

Duke could have sworn he heard water drip slowly into a pool as Jason bent over into Duke's face.

“Okay Duchess, what did you do with my power puff girls guillotine? I know you were next to it last week.”

“Umm …” Duke didn't quite know what to say. This was not what he was expecting from The Red Hood. How could he even keep a straight face?! “Jay, do you know how weird that sounded?”

Jason did not find that funny. He stood up straight. “I guess we're doing this the hard way.”

“Wait, what?” Duke started to panic. Knowing Jason, 'the hard way' would probably involve lots of guns. “I don't know what you're talking about! I didn't know you even had a guillotine, let alone a power puff girls one!” Duke couldn't hide the upturn of his lip at the end of his speech. That was one sentence he never thought he would say.

“You saw it when you were in my room last Thursday!” Jason paused, and Duke once again heard the ominous drip. Drip. Drip. Of the water. “Say, Duchess, why were you in my room last Thursday?”

Duke thought back. “I think I was looking for you,” he began, “Dick wanted everyone together for a movie night.”

Jason shook his head. “That may add up, but you've still been around my stuff an awful lot, lately.” 

“Like what?” Duke asked, honestly confused.

“MY CANDY STASH!” Jason blew up. He waved his hands around, almost hitting the hanging lightbulb. “In the kitchen! You got into it, I know you did!”

“Do you mean the single Snicker's in the bottom cabinet?” Duke had found it just yesterday, but didn't touch it for fear of a glitter bomb booby trap. “I'm sorry, if there were more, I didn't touch them. I'm not your perp!”

“That Snicker's is my stash, duchess! And you looked at it funny! I know you were thinking about taking it!”

“Do you know what happens to people in this house when they eat the last of something?” Duke was filled with horrible memories of things he wished he could unsee. “There was all out war when Steph finished Dick's Captain Crunch cereal!”

Damian nodded his head as he kept writing. “Avoiding the questions and denying blame. Good, Thomas. I didn't think you had it in you.”

Jason glared at his partner in crime while Duke denied the … compliment?

“No I'm not! I'm answering the questions honestly!”

Damian gave Duke a look that was eerily similar to Dick's 'oh, honey' face. 

“What about my rubber bullets, kid?” Jason once again leaned down over Duke, and rested his hand on the back of the chair. “You took them. Thought using a vacuum would be sneaky, did'ja?”

Ah, now Duke was in trouble. He and Stephanie had been teamed up for a prank war, part of which involved stealing Jason's ammo. “That's what was all over the floor in the living room?” Thank goodness Bruce had taught him how to evade truth serum.

“What the f*** did you think they were?!” Jason was leaning in close now, his glare boring into Duke's soul. Drip. Drip. Drip. Went the water, its pace ever steady. Damian stood to the side, a small smirk on his face as he wrote down every twitch in Duke's face, every breath. Duke began to sweat from the pressure.

“What's going on?”

All three of the rooms occupants looked over to the sudden intruder. Stephanie stood in the now open doorway, flooding the room with light. She looked very confused.

Duke pulled his eyes away from his savior long enough to take in his now revealed surroundings, and was quite surprised.

Instead of some dark, dank corner of the Batcave, or some KGB torture cell, Damian and Jason had set up shop in one of Alfred's drawing rooms. The windows had been blocked off to limit to the light, and the furniture had been pulled to the sides of the room the only other thing on the floor was a large bowl of water. The lone lightbulb swung precariously from a wire pulled from the chandelier. The Chandelier itself seemed normal, except for -

“Dick?” Duke was open-mouthed at the 20-something year old man wrapped around the gold and crystal, an eyedropper in hand, which he seemed to be using to produce those ominous dripping noises. 

“Uh,” Dick laughed nervously, “hi?”

Stephanie laughed, grabbing the doorframe to steady herself. “Oh, this is gold! What are you even doing?”

Jason grinned, standing straight. He hit his head on the light bulb, but didn't seem that bothered. “We're interrogating Duke. Wanna join in?”

“Truth serum?”

“You know it.”

Stephanie beamed as she skipped over to the others. Before she could join in on the Duke-torture, however, Dick dropped down from his perch and put a hand out to stop the purple-clothed terror.

“Wait, you gotta be in character.”

Crap, Duke thought, as Stephanie nodded solemnly before shutting the door. Once the room was back to darkness, Dick retreated into the shadows, and the dripping continued.

Stephanie walked up toward Duke, pausing to take a deep breath. She put her hands in front of her face, drawing them down as she let out the air. Within moments, Stephanie Brown became a whole other person. A much, much scarier person.

Jason cursed as Steph stalked forward, giving Duke small satisfaction that he wasn't the only one scared. “Duke,” Stephanie drawled as she bent down, “Pancakes or Waffles?”

“I …” Duke looked around, searching for help. Some kind of help. Anything that could get him out of this mess. H***, he'd even take Bruce at this point.

“Duuuuuuke?” Jason asked. “Why don't you answer the lady? Surely old Alfred has taught you some manners while living here?”

“I …” Duke closed his eyes. “My answer is … yes.”

A small snicker floated from the darkness. Great, at least Dick found this amusing.

Stephanie, however, did not. She unleashed upon her prisoner the full brunt of her own batglare(TM). It was different than Bruce's. More Vicious. She accessorized it with a tight smile.

“Which you prefer, Duke?”

“I … I couldn't tell you.” Not if he wanted to live. “I … haven't had them in a while …” Ah, there you go Duke, he thought, beating the system.

Stephanie looked to Jason, and they both grinned. “Oh, I think we can help with that.” From somewhere behind her, Steph pulled two plates, one with a stack of pancakes, the other with waffles. Somehow, they were both warm. “Which do you like better Duke? Pancakes, with their light, fluffiness?” Stephanie waved the plate of pancakes under Duke's nose, and he had to admit they smelled divine. “Waffles, with their crisp exteriors, eggy interiors?” She switched the plates, and her smirk grew as Duke began to tremble. “One is clearly superior.”

“Stay strong, Thomas.” Damian said. The little gremlin had a small grimace on his face. Ah, so he was perfectly fine with stabbing his siblings, but Stephanie's emotional torture was now inhumane?

Yeah, it really was.

Duke smashed his lips together, the only part of his body that wasn't trembling. He wasn't going to tell Steph he preferred pancakes. He'd rather die.

“He's close.” Steph said, deadpan. “He just needs a bit of a push.”

“I got it!” Jason pulled out a syringe from his cargo pants. “One more dose of truth serum. This'll get him singin' like a bird!”

“But I was never Robin!” Duke blurted out before he could stop himself. Jason, Damian, and Stephanie looked unimpressed. “it's true ….” Duke muttered. 

“Poor banter,” Damian said as he took another note on his clipboard. “And to think you were doing rather well. Unlike Todd.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Jason said as he tried to inject the dosage into Duke's neck.

“Jason, please!” Duke begged. “Don't! This is too much, even for you!”

“Duchess,” Jason said, shaking his head, “I've killed, maimed, and tortured people. Do you really think this is too much for me?”

“Damian?” Duke turned as much as he could in his restraints to look at his little brother. “Please, have pity! I thought we were good? We play video games together! You've told me I'm acceptable!”

The former assassin turned his head aside . “I apologize Thomas. This must be done.”

“Dick!” Duke was almost to tears at this point. “You're supposed to be the nice one! You're supposed protect your brothers! Protect me!”

Dick's voice trailed from the shadows, full of regret. But also … excitement? “Sorry, Duke, but I also have some questions for you.”

Duke wailed in horror as Jason launched himself forward, jabbing the needle into Duke. “Three minutes should do it.”

“BETRAYAL!” Duke called. Hopefully Alfred would hear. But Alfred knew everything that occurred in his house, so the chances that he wasn't already aware, were slim. Heck, the butler probably approved!

“Once again, Duke.” Stephanie announced, once the allotted time for the serum to start working had passed. She tented her fingers. “Do you prefer Waffles or Pancakes?”

Duke tried to stay quiet, he really did. But none of Bruce's training had prepared him for the horrendous, unstoppable force that was Batman's children.

Just then, Tim Drake opened the door to see a strange scene before him. Duke, tied to a chair wearing nothing but boxers. Jason, standing to the side with an empty syringe, a maniacal gleam in his eye. Stephanie, looking much like the super villains that they fought, her fingers tented, her face dark. Dick, once again wrapped in between the coils of the chandelier, eyedropper in hand.

His eyes were wide and unblinking as his mouth opened and closed, trying to form words.

Unfortunately, fate was not with the captive that day. Duke Thomas couldn't help but blurt out the words that sealed his fate: “I like pancakes better! The texture of waffles is just weird!”

“Uh …” Tim began before cringing as he heard Duke's words, then saw Stephanie's face. He looked to the heavens, as if begging for strength. “You guys look like you need some privacy. I didn't see anything.”

“No!” Duke called. “Tim, don't leave me!”

Tim shut the door behind him, but not before calling out: “Sorry dude, but I value my life.”

Stephanie tutted, shaking her head. “I'm sorry Duke,” she did not look sorry, “But no one's coming to save you.”

Jason whistled. “Wouldn't want to be you right now, Duchess.”

Duke slunk down in his chair. “Me neither.”

Stephanie opened her mouth, about to start a rant on the glories of waffles, when Dick leapt down from the chandelier and handed Steph his eyedropper. “Nuh-uh, it's my turn!”

The purple patron saint of waffles harrumphed, but retreated into the shadows. “I'm not doing that freaky contortion stuff on the chandelier though!”

Dick grinned as he sat down in front of Duke. From a pocket of his jeans, he pulled out an envelope. Out of which he plucked a piece of paper.

“Now, Duke, I have collected some fan-questions for you. All are completely harmless. Do us all a favor and answer … truthfully, eh?”

Duke groaned. “That was just bad, Dick.”

The acrobat didn't seem discouraged. He then unleashed a barrage of questions, completely unrelenting. Luckily, Duke was prepared.

“Best prank you ever pulled?”

“Was prepared.”

“Worst punishment you ever received?”

“Dolled out by Alfred.”

“Most embarrassing memory?”

“Not worth me telling you.”

Jason laughed appreciatively. “He's good.”

Dick narrowed his eyes slightly. “Your funniest pun was …?”

“Better than yours.” 

Stephanie, Jason, and even Damian let out a laugh at that.

“Kid, you are now my favorite brother.”

“Hey!” Damian and Dick said, simultaneously.

“Thanks Jay,” Duke said, “If only you felt this way before you drugged me!”

Jason laughed. “You're funny, Duchess.”

Once again, the door opened. This time, Harper Row stood in the doorway, and she did not look happy.

“What's this that Tim told me about you tying up Duke?”

“It's not what you think!” Dick began.

“Yes it is!” Duke cut in. “They gave me truth serum and are interrogating me!”

There was a war going on in Harper's eyes. On one hand, she seemed to be trying to be the responsible sister. On the other, Harper loved chaos. 

In the end, she sighed. “You guys really shouldn't be doing this. And you, Dick! You're supposed to stop these kinds of shenanigans!”

“That's what I said,” Duke muttered.

Once everyone looked properly remorseful – or at least pretending to be – Harper nodded. “I'm going to go now. This is your only chance.”

As soon as the door closed behind her, and Duke's last hope left, Jason let out a sigh. “That was close. Let's continue, shall we?”

Duke let out a moan, “I thought you were going to stop!”

Stephanie's voice was gleeful as it came from above: “Aw heck no, Duke! This is the most fun I've had in ages!”

“Better hurry up,” Jason said, “B will be home soon.”

Dick nodded sagely. “Of course.” He turned to Duke. “Okay, middle D, one last question for you.” Duke cringed. “It involves ducks.”

Duke’s eyes widened. “NO!” He yelled, knowing exactly what Dick was going to ask. “NO! You can’t make me!

Dick shook his head. “Aw, come on!” Duke continued to shake. “Duke Thomas, how many times have you-”

“What on earth is going on here?” Duke let out a relieved sigh as Bruce opened the door and strowed in. He glared at everyone, and even though every single member of the batfam was immune to Batman’s glare, it still gave Duke’s attackers  siblings pause.

“Just some brotherly bonding, B.” Dick said tentatively. “You know, what you’re always trying to get us to do?”

Jason snorted. “Nothing harmful going on here,” he said, “and that’s the truth.”

Dick chuckled. “Ah, that pun was good, little wing.”

Bruce was not impressed. “Stephanie?”

“We’re having fun!” She said, dropping from the chandelier. “And we’ll clean it up.”

Bruce let out a long, suffering sigh. “Damian, will you tell me what all this yelling is about?”

Damian frowned at his father, before glancing around at his accomplices. “Todd and Grayson insisted on drugging Thomas with Truth serum. I was roped into assisting. I believed that I could keep them from going too far.”

Bruce rubbed his temples and sighed once more.

“If I may, father, Thomas performed admirably under the pressure. You may refer to my notes.”

“Little brat,” Jason muttered, and Stephanie and Dick nodded along.

Bruce shook his head. “I don’t need to see that Damian. Right now I want all of you to go to your rooms. As soon as Alfred is back from the grocery store, He and I will be having a discussion about your cookie privileges.”

Dick, Stephanie, and Jason deflated all at once and filed out of the room. Damian nodded to Duke, then stalked out. Huh, maybe the kid did feel bad.

Once the room was clear, Bruce untied Duke. "I'm sorry about them. If it happens again, come tell me or Alfred."

Duke nodded, "Thanks, B."

Bruce paused at the door on his way out. “The cure is in the cave. Or you can just wait it out.” He frowned, then sighed. “Also, I hope you don’t need me to say this, but please don’t attempt vengeance.”

Duke nodded solemnly as Bruce walked out. Then he smirked. He may be comparatively saner than his family, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t up for a bit of payback.

“Maybe Cass will help me,” Duke muttered to himself. “That’ll be fun.”

[classpectcurse]

class pairs: seer - mage

key words: perceiving, knowing, understanding

(why bother with a preamble when i can just jump right in to the interesting stuff)

these things are monsters, watch out

seer: passive

they understand their class, can perceive it with greater clarity and thoroughness than others. this tends to be an intellectual, brainy sort of understanding. it errs on the side of theoretical rather than practical knowledge. seers are head thinkers: they are able to come up with plans, ideas, solutions, about their aspect that others might not. they understand and have a VISION of their aspect. they can be relied on to direct others, come up with the best strategy, to explain the topic clearly and make others understand the thing.

however, on the flip side, if unchecked, it makes them rather idealistic and naive, and often arrogant. they can be blinded by their own knowledge. because their knowledge has a limit.

as a passive class, they are best served in a passive role; they work best when guiding others, teaching, directing, or strategising, rather than putting themselves on the front lines. by being head thinkers, seers tend not to think emotionally, and thus end up lacking a sense of boundaries when it comes to executing their own plans. this can lead to them taking things too far, morally speaking, or failing to be cautious due to overconfidence in their own abilities.

in fiction, a seer that oversteps his role is often punished by the narrative. they go too far, and engineer their own downfall. their hubris brings their own demise. they must learn to step back, take on the guiding role for players better suited to direct action, and they will see the best results.

the seer class is obviously based on the mythological seer archetype. think, the oracle of delphi in greek myths. the seer’s role is often to passive guide, to direct the heroes towards what they need without directly interfering in events. seers are often used as a narrative device by authors to deliver exposition; occasionally this use might be so egregious as to change a character who is otherwise NOT a seer into a seer by function (looking @ u jkr :/).

(important note that in fiction/mythology, the seer role has an unpleasant gender aspect to it, in that seer is an easy role to shove a passive woman character into, to give her something to do/say in the plot without involving her in any action. this is still unfortunately true of a lot of fiction today, but this doesn’t work irl bc gender is fake. beware of assigning gendered fictional seer characteristics to descriptions of the seer class.)

a great example of a fictional seer arc is mdzs wei wuxian. (SPECIFICALLY the mdzs version, not the drama version. cql!wwx is a different story.) through his ingenuity and creativity, he becomes the founder of demonic cultivation. however, he is arrogant in assuming that he knows best, that he could control the yin tiger seal, that his path was the only path to follow. the result is, the narrative punishes him for his arrogance. he loses control. he watches his loved ones dies. he dies a horrible death.

but in his second life, after his resurrection, he properly steps into the seer role. he solves the mystery, he guides and teaches the juniors, he steps away from the demonic path. and through embracing his role as a seer, he is finally able to achieve his happiness.

emotionally speaking, seers aren’t very complicated? if the time is right and the circumstances align they’ll confess their feelings etc. they might lack a sense of shame about it, in fact that seems an alarmingly consistent pattern. they kind of just don’t place on the emotional constipation scale. though they might be bogged down by logic and stuff and won’t examine their own feelings properly until later.

identifying traits of a seer: - wordy. good at explaining things; smort - very much a head thinker as opposed to a heart thinker; likes to think of things intellectually - can seem a bit emotionally cold? not that they’re cold people but just that they tend to be a little less overtly emotional, simply due to the nature of their class

examples of seers: namjoon (RM) from bts, wei wuxian (MDZS only), jing beiyuan (qi ye), rose lalonde (Homestuck), terezi pyrope (Homestuck)

prospit/derse: fairly straightforward, both types of seers still tend to be up there in terms of energy and chattiness, but derse seers are just more pretentious about it ngl.

mage: active

on the flip side to seers’ cerebral understanding of their aspect, mages have an intuitive, experience-based understanding, and they function best by employing this understanding directly.

mages, in a team dynamic, essentially serve as the talented weirdo/grumpy uncle who is extremely competent at their job, as long as nobody asks them to explain what they’re doing. mages understand their aspect supremely well, but they CANNOT, for the life of them, explain what the fuck goes through their head. it just comes out a bunch of confused, jumbled rambling that doesn’t really help anyone else. everyone knows that, without a doubt, this guy is a genius, but it’s useless to ask them to teach you because they can’t. they can’t explain shit.

their understanding of their aspect is not, NOT intellectual. it’s just that it comes from a place of instinct, rather than of deliberate, calculated thought. mages work best when they don’t try too hard to rationalise their understanding, but instead allow themselves to operate according to how they feel is best.

mages don’t really have a specific character arc? it’s more just about consistently trusting their instincts, maintaining the relationships around them, and retaining the trust of the people in the team. mages really need to do their own thing, and so a team is best off when they point the mage in the right direction and let them do what they feel is best, because they’ll often do a better job going off instinct than any plan could.

mage characters often come with some kind of tragic or mysterious backstory. because mages learn from experience, this backstory often serves as an explanation for their level of expertise. but irl this isn’t strictly necessary for mages. nevertheless they retain an intuitive understanding of their aspect which can be traced to their personal experience of it.

the thing to know about mages to identify them is just, they give off weird gremlin vibes. like, weird cousin in the basement vibes. like, coffeeshop uncle yelling about the government vibes. like on the surface they might seem respectable and shit, but deep down?? they’re some weirdo gremlin and that cannot shake the weirdness even if they’re in a law firm or a full tailored suit.

i used to think mages were really emotionally constipated but honestly they’re not that bad? they like to put things off, emotionally speaking. like they want to just leave that stuff for later, maybe never, bye, but they do get to it eventually. there’s a lot less active agonising going on, they just don’t like to think about the Feelings thing. when they do confront it, it’s usually just a, OK I SAID HOW I FEEL, CAN WE SKIP TO THE PART WHERE THINGS AREN’T AWKWARD ANYMORE. it’s funny but it gets the job done i guess.

identifying traits of a mage: - grumpy, crabby, whatever you get the vibe - gremlin energy. they’re just kind of weird - know their shit but cannot explain it, like maybe they can explain it a bit but it’s really not their talent and they are more likely to confuse someone than teach them anything - don’t like talking about their feelings if they can help it, but they’re not like, awful at it ig

examples of mages: yoongi (suga) bts, edward elric, meulin leijon (homestuck), sollux captor (homestuck), zhou zishu (tian ya ke, word of honor)

prospit/derse: prospit is edward elric. derse is bts suga. idk what else to tell u. it’s angry weirdo vs vaguely apathetic weirdo. both are weird with gremlin vibes.