#confused aliens

[taro-pdf]

Humans are space oddities: risk taking

Alien: the ship’s broken Prak, human, and the newest addition on board: so, are you going to fix it? Alien: I’d die in space! Are you crazy? Prak: ??? so would i, just put on a space suit? Alien: You mean that bag with only 16 layers between you and an environment that’d kill you?? Let’s just wait till we reach the next solar system. It’s only a week. Prak: no way, something could happen. I’ll just go out now. [goes out and fixes it] Alien: ???? Alien [writing in notebook]: humans do not fear the cold embrace of death. Prak [writing in notebook]: my crewmates are wimps.

Edit: for clarification, this alien is generalizing based off their experience with one human! Prak is both dumb and dislikes tasks being unfinished. My other humans, the ones not trained as astronauts (which prak isn’t either either lol) would not go out with only 16 layers separating them from the void of space

[guildofscribes]

Humans are Weird: Caution and Lack Thereof.

Humans are not incredibly “tough” insofar as physical makeup goes in this universe, but humans ARE known for stubbornness/tenacity/whatever-you-want-to-call-it, and general acceptance of their bad decision-making abilities, which calls for measures to keep their unwieldy meat-sacks mostly alive and generally functioning.  When any of another species boards Human transports, they are always blown away by the safety precautions posted everywhere, the failsafes, the evacuation maps tucked everywhere, the plethora of escape pods and emergency buoys, life support systems and backup life support systems... not that the rest of the galaxies don't have safety measures and emergency failsafes, but they don't have as many as Humanity seems to have agreed on putting literally everywhere. Which is a bit odd when one takes into consideration that their vessels are literally pressurized vessels propelled by controlled explosions, the destruction of matter, or literal world-killing substances that are pressurized and used for fuel. Humans will hurl themselves into space using some of the most dangerous methods logged in the history of the universe, to the great endangerment of their lives and those in proximity of their craft if some system fails...

...but they have also planned for and created multiple options for continued survival should any thing indeed go wrong, along a wide variety of potential catastrophes.

To every science-oriented, non-Terran species in the galaxy, this “will to live” and “radiation of dumbass” is an ongoing study. Mainly because the humans keep spreading, and nobody knows just what to do with them. 

[coffeeadict61]

Humans Are Weird: Women's Intuition

Report #286

Topic: Gaze detection: in females

Gaze detection: the human phenomenon of becoming aware when another being is staring consistently/intensely at oneself.

In previous reports the topic of gaze detection has been covered but I have more specific information. While it has been observed in both male and female humans, it appears to be more heightened in the female variety. The reason for this, after talking with both parties, could possibly stem from two places:

1. A evolutionary need to better protect themselves in the female variety from predatory counterparts

2. A social or cultural pressure for the male species to suppress their emotions that trigger this "sixth sense".

The "female intuition" was demonstrated for me yesterday.

Lucy, or "Luce" if you know her well enough, is our first human crew mate of the female variety to be assigned to electrical. I was put in charge of walking her through her schedule. While doing so I observed many of the "men" glancing at her. Most watched with curiosity but after an hour or two of Lucy working along side her crew mates, I noticed that she had begun to avoid one of them. Cory Mattinson, a strongly built man around 30 human yrs of age. Lucy chose to work in the area furthest away from his, attempting to stay out of his line of sight, and sitting at a different table in the cafeteria even though he invited her to join him and his companions. While she was polite, I would use the human term "wary" to describe her behavior. I sat with her and the "women" from other departments during lunch break so that I could inquire what her strange actions inferred.

She seemed uncomfortable with my question but answered me directly. "He just gives me a bad feeling." A few of the others nodded in agreement. "What feeling?" I asked. "Just…like he was stalking me. He kept staring and I don't trust him." She explained. A woman named Rebecca elaborated a little. "It's our gut feeling. We can tell when someone is watching us or following us. We get a bad vibe." I tried my best to imagine this guttural feeling but I had more questions.

"Do you have this feeling around all men?"

Lucy ripped of a chunk of her "sandwich" (a common lunch time appetizer). "No, just the ones our instinct tell us are predatory. Creepy men with ill intent."

"This is instinctual?"

"Yeah, men have it too but it's more for suspicious stuff. Fight or flight is kinda similar, I guess."

"Do you all have the same "bad vibe" about the same person."

"Usually, but if there was a predator in our lives before, we will get that gut feeling around people who look, act, or talk like them where others don't." Rebecca answered. "I thought Cory was creepy too."

I was stunned. There survival instincts appear to learn and evolve out of life experience and trauma. I believe it should be closely studied in both the female and male gender.

I am also inserting a request to relocate electrician Cory Mattinson to another station or release him from his contract. His behaviors are threatening to our female staff and is a possible security risk.

Human Observer #5743

[fight-the-corn]

Human: Ughhhh, I need to crack my back!

Alien: what? Isn't that bad?

Human: Hang on... *twists and many little pops are heard*

Alien: OMG DID YOU JUST BREAK YOUR BACK ON PURPOSE?

Human: Its fine, I do it all the time

Alien: Tf?? How is ur species still alive?

[soosoosoup]

rewatched treasure planet

[andsewingishalfthebattle]

Novice sewing pattern: Cut out shapes. Line up the little triangles on the edges. Stitch edges together. We've also included step-by-step assembly instructions with illustrations.

Novice knitting pattern: yOU MUSt uNDerstANd thE SECret cOdE CO67 (73, 87, 93) BO44 (63, 76, 90) 28 (32, 34) slip first pw repeat 7x K to end *kl (pl) 42 * until 13" (13, 13, 15) join new at 30 pl for 17 rows ssk 27 k2tog mattress lengthwise BO and sacrifice a goat to the knitting gods. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANT "INSTRUCTIONS," I JUST GAVE THEM TO YOU

[kizzer55555]

DPxDC: Jarro Adopts an Alien

Ok, so Danny has a space obsession and a protection obsession (I headcanon that as a halfa, Danny has two obsessions like all Halfas do which makes them unique to other ghosts.) and so while he can get his fill protecting people in Amity, he struggles with his space obsession. Sure, he can look up everything he can about space and the stars on the internet. He can stay up until 2 am looking at the stars (who needs sleep? He’s a ghost, he can go days, or even weeks without sleep if he wants, same with a lack of air or food.) but it’s just not enough. He craves to learn more, see more. Just as Dani gets that itch to travel, Danny wonders. What would it be like to see the stars up close? Are they really as hot as a dragons fire breath? Hotter!? Or maybe they are so hot they are cold. What does it look like to see plasma dancing across the surface, or touch the gasses of Jupiter? Does Pluto have ice caves like the far frozen? How many planets are actually out there? What about Mars. There’s a whole species living there with a language and culture Danny can’t even fathom! Oh what he wouldn’t give to talk with martian manhunter or Superman. 

And what’s stopping him from exploring this? He can fly. He doesn’t need air. He can go intangible if it gets too hot and he’s practically immune to the cold. He wants to touch a space rock! See if they are smooth because there is no wind or earth to rub against them and erode the surface. He wants to see what planets they come from. What minerals they might have. He wants to know if there are currents in space. All of these things are right there just above the atmosphere. Surely it couldn’t hurt to take a quick peek. So he does. During a particularly bad day Danny flies as fast as he can until the earth’s gravity looses its effects. Until his hair is floating as of it’s in water even more than normal. Until he can feel when breathing no longer became a choice (still not necessary though). And it…was beautiful. To be surrounded by space. To see the earth like this. Pictures just didn’t do it Justice. He flew across the solar system and as he passed planets, he longed to fly through them. To search every crevice and learn their secrets. But he had a bigger prize in mind at the moment. The crown jewel of their universe. The closest star he could find. The sun. 

Danny was mesmerized. The plasma really did dance across the surface. Like a never ending performance of science and beauty. There were sparks that few in arcs. Danny flew down and played in them, making a game to see how many he could fly under. His ghost core purred in delight. His obsession had never been more satisfied. He spent hours out there. Just exploring what his solar system had to offer. So when he returned? He couldn’t just forget. Pictures and online science theories had nothing on the real thing. He wanted to explore some more. So he did. Every night he would go out and explore the cosmos. Flying from planet to planet. (Either the Martians were still around and Danny made friends with them, even learning their language, or he just looks at their ruins to learn as much as he can). And with both obsessions now being filled, Danny is more settled. More confident. And he can focus better. Everyone notices the change, even his teachers. They just think that he’s paying more attention to his education now. He’s even better during his ghost fights. 

But Danny can fly awfully fast. And he soaks up information even faster. Soon his trips take longer and longer as he flies further out. Sometimes he can barely make it back in time for school. And he can't go every night. Sometimes the ghosts won’t wait for daytime so he has to make sure the town will be safe in his absence. Although he’s been able to take more trips ever since Valerie joined the vigilante ranks. But still, he’s getting farther and farther from earth each night. Until one day he’s visited every planet, every star, every comet or debris in their solar system. Which would be fine. He could deal with that if that was all there was. But it wasn’t. Danny saw the stars just out of reach. He saw places the Milky Way was leaning towards. He saw just the barest hints of new solar systems with new planets and stars. And he knew of legends from lanterns that they had posted online. Heard tales from some scientists that have made better telescopes. And his core itches. It aches to know more. See more. Yet he can't go further. And this puts him in a sort of depression. Suddenly he’s back to his old self. Lagging behind. Distracted. Zoning out. Crashing into a few more buildings during ghost attacks. Yet he tries so hard to be satisfied with what he has. He can still fulfill his obsession…it’s just more like chewing on a granola bar rather than eating a decent meal. He’s almost becoming lethargic. 

So one day he goes to Frostbite to see if there’s anything he can do to lessen the effects. But the yeti just takes one look at him and gives him the infimap. And suddenly Danny is in a whole new universe in seconds. The planets are purple. The stars are blue. He’s pretty sure there are furry blob-like creatures living on one of those planets. And suddenly he gets that itch, but holding the infimap, he knows he had time, so he lets himself go. 

And for a while it’s good. great even. Since he can’t keep asking the yetis for the infimap, he goes over to Wulf to see if he’s up for an adventure. Most of the time he is and they go exploring the galaxies together. And then Wulf had the genius idea of teaching Danny how to make portals. It took a long time but soon, he could concentrate the surrounding ectoplasm enough to weaken it and pull. It took a while since Danny didn’t have ecto claws and would have to use his pure will. But this would allow him to follow his obsession anytime, anywhere. So it was only a matter of time. And once he figured it out? It was like something was unlocked. Danny had never before understood how Ellie could travel so much. But now he did. That feeling when you discover something new. When you add to your reservoir of knowledge. When the patterns in the universe just click. There is nothing Danny could compare it to. And to explore that whenever he wanted? It was so freeing. While Wulf sometimes still joined Danny’s adventures, Danny did most of his explorations by himself. 

He meets various planets and aliens. So many different cultures. He learns thousands of languages. Tries all kinds of foods (and it’s a good thing his ghost self has an iron stomach and he’s basically poison resistant.) even found a whole comet where blood blossoms grew. (Which he most definitely avoided). And wasn’t that fascinating? To find out they were from space. 

And then during his travels one day he met a space alien starfish. 

It was actually a funny story. A meteor shower was about to attack a planet of talking blue monkey creatures with 4 arms. Danny immediately started diverting them and was soon joined by some lantern corps (which his inner fanboy wanted to talk to so bad.). And a tiny starfish in a…Robin uniform? Oh and the starfish could apparently do martial arts which was interesting to watch him karate chop a meteor. He could also talk directly into Danny’s head which the halfa found more interesting. So they got to talking and apparently his name was Jarro. He seemed to be helping the lantern corps as a ‘proxy from earth’ to make better use of his skills. 

Danny would run into Jarro a few more times. Sometimes he was with Lanterns and sometimes he would just be exploring the galaxies. They started forming a pretty strong friendship and Danny would start seeking out the starfish alien to travel with him. He knew all kinds of space facts. Apparently he had an eidetic memory. When they explored, sometimes Jarro would just stick to part of Danny. Wrapped around his arm, his waist, sometimes just sticking to his back like a strange backpack. But they always had fun.

So Danny was happy. He could fulfill both obsessions and got a space pal. Everything was great!

Until the GIW caught him. 

It would probably be the worst day of his life.  There was an explosion in the lab. Something set up by them after they realized Danny frequented that place often. So they set a trap and blew it up. Thankfully, Jazz was at college during this but both his parents were home. When the explosion went off, Danny had tried putting a Barrier around them all. It took everything he had to maintain it. That’s how they found out he was phantom. Danny had a few moments where his parents said they accepted him but he couldn’t hold the barrier for long. His parents said that they loved him and then everything went green. He woke up in a lab, tired and injured. His only saving grace being that he remained in phantom form. And he was determined to remain so. 

Danny’s time at the GIW was a haze but eventually, he managed to escape. Bleeding, and tired, and still recovering from the burns in the explosion, Danny made a portal straight to Amity. Only when he got there, it was a ghost town. Streets were empty, buildings were boarded up. Even the Nasty Burger was deserted. As for his house, there was nothing but a crater left and some scattered debris. Danny looked everywhere but there was no one. No Jazz. No Sam. No Tucker. No one. and he was tired. And everything hurt, and he needed a friend. Someone he could trust. So in a daze he made a portal and tried to just project safe. Safe safe safe. Somewhere he knew he would be protected. And so Jarro got a surprise when his space buddy suddenly popped out of a green portal, bleeding green and clearly passed out. He didn't know what to do. He didn’t know how to help him. But Jarro knew someone who would. 

So with a speed never before seen from a tiny starfish, he flew to earth. Bringing his friend straight to his father. Because surely batman could help!

And with his appearance, the green blood, the knowledge of space facts. The lack of wanting to talk about where he came from (and the nightmares crying out for his parents). This is how the bats became convinced that Jarro brought them an injured alien. 

[mummer]

just saw asteroid city last night, pls explain the proposed significance of the kiss!!

answering this publicly hope thats ok! cant do a readmore im on mobile *****asteroid city spoilers below beware*****

i dont remember anyones names so this is gonna sound partly unhinged. okay so the edward norton playwright and jason schwartzman actor (not character, in the black and white parts) are lovers right. tbh i thought this was kind of a gag and forgot about it. but later we find out that the playwright died 6 months into the production. i didnt make the connection that THAT’s why the actor-jason has to suddenly leave the stage and freaks out backstage about how he’s not sure he’s Doing it right. hes not talking about acting!! because he himself is literally grieving his lover while he’s playing a character who’s grieving his wife written by his lover so obviously it’s too much!!! actor-jason is trying to find meaning in his death through his writing but there isnt any meaning in death [gerris drinkwater voice] which is what the play is trying to say anyway. he doesnt think he’s performing grief right even in his own life!!! (and tbh it’s the 50s so he wouldnt be able to perform grief publicly anyway!!!!) the play starts with a car accident… anyone would search for some hidden meaning there, some sign…. so when he talks to margot robbie outside it’s not really about finding the CHARACTER’s motivations it’s about the actor himself being able to process the playwright’s death! and adrien brody director was probably also dealing with that too (him and norton seemed to be good buddies) so the whole “sleeping backstage” thing gets a bit sadder maybe? maybe everyone else got this in the theatre and im just stupid lol but crazy making stuff to me!!! the whole story is about sublimated gay grief that cannot be expressed?!?!

the tweet that caught me onto this was here which posits that the playwright’s death was a suicide but i think that’s pretty stupid and unnecessary because the whole thing about the play asteroid city is that death is random and meaningless. im pretty sure that’s what the alien represents— a shocking and absurd event that isnt outright evil or menacing, not something anyone can predict or make sense of, it’s just a thing that happens to you out of nowhere, it doesnt mean anything. he’s a little black figure, he’s death! giving and taking! aagh

[notfernintheslighest]

i’m not gonna say anything cause

Deadpool’s already said it all

Bonus: Spock beating Wolverine’s ass

[nelkcats]

Superman doesn't know how to curse

So, Clockwork had sent him to another dimension. No problem with that, he actually liked to explore the different dimensions, though he wondered what "lesson" was there for him to learn.

He avoided all nearby beings (he didn't want to face them, even though he had so many questions for the Martian). His plan was going spectacularly well until he tripped over a chair and hit his foot. The pain was immense and he just started cursing.

Now, Jazz was very sensitive about the "we don't swear in this house" part since he was little so, well, he had to get creative and start swearing in languages ​​she didn't understand. Alien languages ​​he had known in the Infinite Realms.

The first thing that gave away the halfa wasn't the lack of invisibility or the Watchtower-wide intruder alert. No, what gave him away was an embarrassed Superman who didn't know how to explain to his teamates that yes, that boy was speaking in Krypton language, and no, he couldn't translate because he didn't want to repeat what he was saying, but no, it wasn't bad.

Conner and Kara who were visiting laughed at Clark's face, he looked completely mortified. Bruce's insistence on knowing exactly what the boy was saying wasn't helping him. While Conner didn't know as much of the language as the other two Supers, he could tell a curse word when he heard it.

Danny looked up to find many individuals looking at him uncertainly, he chuckled, noticing that a man with bat ears was staring at him and a boy in blue pajamas couldn't bear to look at him.

It was the moment where he realized that his invisibility had failed him, so he did the only thing he could think of: he raised his hand in greeting. And disappeared immediately after.

[flamingthespian]

Idea: Sebastian is trans, Sam and Sebastian are dating and have been since before seb came out, which happened while kent was deployed. So when kent left for war he knew his teenage son had a “girlfriend,” and when he comes back, his young adult son now has a boyfriend, and he doesn’t realize it’s the same person, so he’s like, “why did Sam never write to me about breaking up with that girl or coming out as queer and starting to date this guy,” and doesn’t understand why Sam’s new boyfriend that he’s never met is acting somewhat familiar with him

[taro-pdf]

Humans are Space Oddities: Foster Human

When humans went to space, they expected themselves to be one of the more advanced species, only to find that space was already very populated. To less advanced, they were predators, and to more advanced, savages. Space is vast, and eventually some humans were kept as novelties.

Guang was excited to foster a human. After all, it had read about how humans would fight anything, eat anything, and survive anything. And though Guang was not strong, it’s partner, Hei, was, and would keep it safe.

The human arrived disgruntled, but Guang was not perturbed. It had heard of their pack-bonding abilities, and was ready to be patient and gentle. It even made sure to pick one that knew the Universal Interplanetary Language, so they didn’t need to wait for translators to work. Guang moved and spoke slowly; they didn’t need anything to slow the communication process more. It bent down to eye level.

“Hello. My name is Guang, it/its, a light alien. I process slowly, so don’t speak too fast. I am glad that you arrived safely. You are called Fern, she/her, human, correct?”

The human flapped her hands, nervous, or maybe excited. “Human, correct?” she repeated, then spouted out, “Hei is a powerful space fae that was born on earth but left as its magic grew," she inhaled, obviously making an effort to slow her speech. Guang blinked. It appreciated her effort, but why was she telling it about its own partner? The human continued, “this is common for fae. Did you know space fae are understudied due to the fact that they are extremely powerful and hard to approach? It’s theorized their power comes from dark matter.”

“Right,” Guang replied, “well-”

“Light aliens are a species often used for service for the ultra wealthy,” the human interrupted. “They are treated as living lamps due to their ability to produce both bioluminescent and electrical light extremely efficiently, as well as their ability to stay still for long periods of time.” 

Humans did like to talk, but Guang was unsure if this is what they usually talked about. 

“That’s correct,” it replied. It sat down and held out its hand, which the human grabbed and studied. “I was also on a ship from hatching until Hei approached me and I was given to it as a gift. But it treated me as a being, and I learned to think of myself as a being as well.”

“I’m a being as well,” the human said, dropping Guang’s hand and turning to the door. Guang followed their line of sight to see Hei walking in. It had taken a smaller, humanoid form, as Guang had asked it to.

“Hello Fern,” it said, speaking its native tongue.

“Hello Fern,” Fern repeated in the same language, approaching Hei. It squinted at her.

“Pardon me, do you understand what I am saying?” it asked. The human didn’t reply. She gazed at Hei’s translucent wings, and it turned so she could touch them.

“She’s been repeating what I say as well,” Guang explained.

“Call the agency and ask. The human should have been told how to introduce itself.” Hei handed Guang a communicator. The human mumbled something about aerodynamics.

“In the broader universe, convergent evolution meant that wings…” Fern started to explain.

With the human telling bits of information in the background, Guang called the agency. It was referred to a specialist that told it that human neurology varied greatly. The human’s behavior was not worrisome, but it may socialize differently than typical humans. If that’s a problem, it could be returned. Guang assured them it was not a problem.

At the end of the fostering period, Hei and Guang had learned much about their visitor. They learned to avoid certain textures, loud noises, and flashing lights. They learned that the human could tell them about almost any alien they wished. They learned that not every human would fight anything, and definitely wouldn’t eat anything. 

“Fern,” Guang’s chest had been feeling tighter and tighter as the day to return her grew closer, “I was wondering if you would like to stay?”

Fern was outside tending to the various lower species that she had befriended during her time on Hei’s planet. She didn’t turn toward Guang, but she did repeat its words.

“Like to stay.”

“Right,” Guang agreed, “I don’t want to treat you as a belonging to borrow and return. Being once one myself, and knowing you so well… I want you to stay”

“Humans have a rich history on their planet. They fought each other in countless wars. Some wars were for resources, others were for freedom.”

“I didn’t know that.” Guang was silent for a bit.

“Humans want freedom. It’s in their DNA. I’d like to stay.” Fern smiled, and Guang smiled back. Humans were ferocious, tenacious, and violent, but they were also gentle. Fern was proof of that.

[guildofscribes]

Humans and Fighting.

Okay, so Humans are definitely Weird. We all know this, we all own it. There's no use in trying to deny it at this point.

But the amount of "fight me" spirit that is written into the bones of every human is just so interesting to think about.

Think of the most peaceful, mild-mannered person you know. And then think of the one or very, very few times they got heated over something. Yeah, maybe it was funny in the moment or something, like a baby kitten trying to be fierce but they're tiny and cute, so it doesn't really feel threatening... but think of the fight that rose up.

Even a worm will turn. Maybe humans can't win every fight, and maybe they know this when they go in, but humans will 100% go down fighting. Every. Step. Of. The. Way. There comes a point in every human where they'll throw hands. Some it takes longer to get there, others require very specific situations to reach it, but every human has the threshold and reason for "I'll fight for this." Humans aren't the strongest or fiercest creatures that live on earth, they can't compete with most of the creatures they meet, or even most other humans. But they'll still put up a fight. Even if it's just to say that they fought. Even when they lose.

[peanutseagle]

Guys please show more enthusiasm !!

[kwillow]

will theo ever be happy

Maybe in another life.

[imsociallyanxiousgetoverit]

yo what if Danny was the human representative on a ship and had to politely explain that his biology is different but he does know alot about the average human because he was born there and was human for the first decade of his life?