#depression too maybe? idek anymore

[ittalkslikeone]

damn it’s almost like they were right when they said the best treatment is usually therapy AND medication

[glitterghost]

Take me back to all weekend hangouts with friends. When nothing else really mattered but laughter, snacks, and late night shenanigans.

[st0ckholm-syndrome]

i always feel so shitty leaving my psych appointments. when i needed this program i was severely mentally ill and rotting away my days drinking and being miserable and suicidal half the time, but right now im not, sure maybe im low grade depressed and my emotional regulation is kinda shit sometimes but i’m decent? so it’s hard to feel like i should even be there and have someone try and help me. or it feels like im just making up everything because it’s just not happening much anymore and it’s just like “oh that was a silly little time” and im fine. but im not fine. but im not bad to the point where its BAD but im not doing well enough to say im mentally stable? i could go off the rails tomorrow, i could also maybe be better than i am now in a couple months. but when things get bad again things will be so awful. and when things are good “what’s mental illness, i’ve never experienced that” ugh idk idk, i dont even know what im trying to say at this point. imposter syndrome go brr. and when i go into these appointments i don’t trust myself bc i don’t know if what im saying is even real? idek if that makes sense. ugh. like i wanted to talk about school and shit but nooooo i didn’t. why do i do this? idk. i just feel like im wasting his time when he could be with a patient who actually will use the help he’s trying to give :/ maybe i just overreact too much and ugh. maybe i just need more sleep. idk why i had to get so fxckin hateful toward myself rn, i have too much shit to still do to be this emotional right now. i’m definitely crying myself to sleep tonight.

[danlous]

long overly personal age crisis/general mental crisis rant under the cut

I'm turning 26 this saturday and i'm terrified and depressed. I hate sounding like some anti-aging tiktokker but i hate that i'm constantly getting older and can't control it while nothing else in my life seems to change. I know i'm very young but it still feels like i'm running out of time. Most of my peers are ahead of me, they have jobs and relationships and generally full lives. My 2 years younger stepbrother has a successful career, house, wife and child. I still don't even feel like a full adult. Sometimes i feel i've really frozen in time maybe because of trauma and am still just a kid deep down.

My situation is weird because i did have experience with sexual relationships at very early age but i don't consider them real relationships anymore since they were abuse, and then in my adult age i haven't had any relationships. I haven't even kissed anyone as an adult. I'm like a virgin who isn't a real virgin. I want to be in a relationship and experience love and sex but at the same time it feels distant and impossible.

I just graduated (two years late, studying something that doesn't interest me) but i haven't worked other than summer jobs and i'm wondering how am i ever gonna get a proper job. And i don't even know do i want to do work that is related to my field of study since i hate it. I could go studying something else but it's again going to take so much time. I also feel like i'm wasting my potential and i should use my talents for something that actually helps people but i don't know what that would be.

I've made peace with knowing i'm probably never going to be able to transition for various reasons but it still causes me sadness, and again the feeling of running out of time when i'm getting older and missing more and more of years i could've lived openly as myself and i'm always living with this 'what if' thought. Also this sounds incredibly silly in context of everything else but i'm stressing about how my fertility is starting to go lower every year from now on lol. I've deeply wanted to be a parent as long as i can remember but i've wanted to wait until my financial and mental health situation will be better before having children. But what if they will never be? Also i don't necessarily need a nuclear family or anything but i'd like to have a partner i can trust and my child to have other parent too. But what if there will never be a person like that?

My life situation is technically fairly good or at least better than it has been for 15 years but i feel my mental state has gotten almost worse. I've been trying lots of new things and i finally have some friends but i still feel so lonely and hollow. I always have this crushing feeling of loneliness and being an outsider who doesn't matter. I think even on tumblr i have so embarrasingly strong emotional reaction when something even mildly negative happens because i'm so insecure and seek external validation. Like when someone unfollows me i know there's necessarily nothing personal with it but i still feel genuine sadness i'm internally like that you're not rockin wit me i'm going to kill myself meme lmao. And i'm always trying to be as kind as i can towards everyone both irl and online but i still feel worthless and annoying. It's like there's a void inside me that nothing can fulfill or maybe i'm the void myself.

Idek what i'm trying to say or what could help me i just needed try to put my feelings in words i guess

[hardtchill]

For me it’s very similar to the other anon. I’m turning 25 this year and I’ve still not got my bachelors degree because I had to quit my first go around at uni since i physically couldn’t learn for my exams. Granted it was compounded by other issues such as depression and anxiety but i genuinely believe that a not insignificant part of those issues come from the fact that adhd makes it near impossible to organise myself (unmedicated btw).

Seeing this on my feed rn is kind of ironic since even though im in my third year of a degree that I actually enjoy now, I literally dropped out of an exam that I was supposed to write today cuz I couldn’t revise. It’s not like I didn’t have the time and I’ve known for weeks about the deadline, but with every assignment or exam I push my own boundaries further and further back until I can’t do it anymore. Last semester I crammed 84 pages worth of notes in under 48h, an exam mind you that I’d pushed back over a year and was literally my last shot or I’d not be allowed to continue with my studies. I barely slept, I was throwing up, but I somehow passed, and with a good grade at that. Since then my brain is like, well you managed to do that that one time so you can totally afford to wait until the DAY before an exam to finish it. Or write a 15 page paper in a day.

And you know what, maybe I can. But the problem is the cost. It’s killing me. I find that it’s also very isolating cuz generally people don’t have a lot of empathy for this? So I end up pulling back from everyone including my best friends until I’m at a point again where I can be around people without letting on how incredibly bad I’m doing. Or I just straight up lie so they don’t know that I’ve not done the things i said I would do.

And all this is not just within the framework of academia. It’s also impacted my wellbeing in a more general sense - cooking for myself is hard because I tend to not listen to my body’s cues until I’m on the verge of passing out cuz i forgot to eat or drink, or by the time I’m hungry I still have to make a meal so I end up ordering something cuz it’s faster. Same with showering daily or brushing your teeth. Getting any routine started in general and sticking with it. I’ve been meaning to start exercising again but I keep delaying it for no reason. I’ve worked out regularly in the past so I know it’s something that I enjoy and that makes me feel good but despite that I’m still stuck in this place of inertia? It’s awful.

I’ve talked to some friends who also have adhd about it and the inability to start something cuz it isn’t instantly gratifying or that doesn’t align with an interest but is an obligation is quite common. Can I binge 7 seasons of a reality show in a week if it really interests me? Hell yeah! (I do watch everything at 2x speed cuz everyone talks too slow lmao but still). Will i fly through a massive book and literally forego sleeping if it means getting through more of it if im really invested? Absolutely. 1500 puzzle? Massive Lego set? Yep! Taking notes from a textbook for an assignment? Literally kill me right now.

I’m sorry for this long ass message and idek if you’re gonna read all of this but yeah just wanted to share my experience. Adhd is absolutely not quirky or a superpower and I wish there was a better understanding of it out there because it makes me my own worst enemy every day.

Ugh anon i feel you so much. I have skipped on many an exam during my bachelors because i just couldn't concentrate, focus or start revision. It's completely miserable to literally see the time go by where you feel the stress but you just cannot get your brain to start on what you need to do.

Any time i told teachers and now colleagues that i work well with deadlines i get told i'm not motivated enough because if i was i wouldn't need deadlines. That's just so unfair! My brain is graving dopamine, it's not laziness that my brain does this, it's literally just ADHD.

This is the same reason why your brain (usually) jumps into action when that crippling anxiety hits, because you're so close to a deadline that your brain can smell the dopamine.

The only reason that i finished my 6 month thesis is because i had many mini deadlines during those 6 months. I felt the anxiety to finish a part of it every month and i had a teacher who was very nice and gave you compliments when you did (DOPAMINE). If i didn't have that i would still be writing my thesis now.

ADHD is so misunderstood by so many people. It affects every part of your life and the negative consequences are so much bigger and impactful than the potential positive outcomes. I mean yeah i'm creative and can think fast, awesome but that doesn't make up for the anxiety, stress and grief you go through anytime your brain just doesn't want to start something.

[koiyin]

GUYS GUESS WHO'S BACK... 'YAY'

so uh idk why i come back on tumblr every couple months and make posts like this but i've basically ruined my account at this point haha perfectionist issues and i'm going to try to be honest with everyone of you guys because. idek at this point

i don't know how everyone's opinion of me is at this point, and it feels like i'm ruining it. i don't know if this is me now, if i kind of put up a front before, but why these posts seem different than the others on my blog is a mystery to me ^^'

maybe i'm just overthinking it, though?

well, my life is pretty shit. i don't really have any friends, except for a couple close ones who can somehow deal with me-- and, yeah. people at my school don't really like me, and i've fucked up a lot recently. this post sounds really depressing. sorry for that.

i don't know, i guess prior to the whole incident (moots, yk what i'm talking about) i always tried to put up a cheerful front. i had an idealized version of myself, and that was koi. and i did act like myself a lot around you guys, because i became comfortable with all of you and i felt accepted. i'm really grateful for what you all have done for me.

so, more about what's going on- basically, i'm just... not happy with myself, i guess. i wish i had more friends.

you know, my goal in life at one point was to be friends with everyone in my grade. that was more than a year ago. i guess that whole hope pretty much died out. but i do still try my very best, and this is turning into a ramble which i'm sorry for but i just want to get everything off of my chest.

i'll probably never use tumblr regularly again- but, who knows, shit changes.

the incident really affected me. after i was told about everything and learned about all of what happened, i was just... i don't know. i was told that it was that day that i began to eat less, act angrier, and all of that shit- and that went on for a couple weeks.

eventually, i tried to forget about it. i still think about every once in a while, though.

well, i'm starting to sound like a pessimist. i miss when i could be koi, the friendly, cheerful, happy person who had a bunch of friends that worried about him and asked if he was feeling okay.

i don't even know what's going on anymore. i feel fine, and then i go through short spikes of depression. or maybe i'm just a person that's sad all the time, but i choose to be ignorant. i'm really sorry that whoever reads this has to hear me vent and all that shit, but i'm just glad that i can say all of my feelings in the hopes that someone will read this.

so, let's talk about what's been going on since i've left- since i really feel like i should add some filler because of my long absensce '- -

well, i got a suit that kind of reminded me of haruchiyo sanzu from tokyo revengers (haha weeb things) and i look pretty hot in it, ngl- and, my family moved back to our house, which got remodeled. i've done a lot of drawing, too.

and, for context of the tokyo revengers comment earlier- i've been hyperfixating on it for so long. i love the series and the characters aaa

also, i started bakuman and black butler, and they're pretty good! i love the plot of bakuman so much!! (the death note team always makes amazing manga) i also got the first book of haikyuu from the library, because i've seen it referenced online so much and i haven't taken the time to check it out yet.

whew. i don't know, i guess saying all this makes me sound more human than just pixels on a screen. (but i'm actually 3 ducks in a trenchcoat) (i'm not funny)

i've had a lot of homework, so i've been pretty busy.

and i have to go eat dinner now, so i'll be leaving- but again, thank you guys for being my friends for so long. and, why are people still following me when my blog is inactive like- ????

[tellywoodtrash]

// trigger warning for abuse and panic attacks //

hello TT. I'm so sorry for oversharing but i literally don't know what to do right know.

I'm 18 and my parents are abusive in an physical, mental, emotional, and every other sense.

I'm going to college this year and for years i thought that if i could just move away for college, i would be able to heal away from them. i would finally be free.

but they didn't let me apply to any out-of-state colleges. so now I'm stuck with them till idek how long. i wish i could just rent a tiny appartment or something but i don't have the money. and i can't live in any in state hostels either because they don't accept students who live in the same state.

as a result, my depression and anxiety has gotten so much worse. im having multiple panic attacks a day and i don't know what to do.

i don't know how i will survive anymore torture from them. i don't see a way out for myself. what should I do?

Dearest baby friend,

First offf, sending you biggest and tightest hugs. You are being very brave reaching out to me through your pain.

Crappy parents are just a shitty lottery result, and the worst bit is, you cannot change them. What you can change however, is how you react to them. It will take a lot of work, but train yourself to not hear the shitty things they say to you. It's extreeeemely difficult to grow out of wanting your parents' approval (esp. for us desis) but that's what you've got to do. By now you must have realised that no matter what you do, there's no pleasing them. So fuck it. Do what you think is right (PRUDENTLY, within reason; try not to rock the boat too much) and fuck their opinion. It's just white noise. Stop allowing them to affect your mood. Free yourself from them emotionally, and you'll see a lot of their power over you is diminished.

Is there anyone in the extended family you could reach out to? An aunt/uncle/grandparent etc? Maybe just work on forming a bond with someone like that, an adult whom you can trust to have your wellbeing at heart. Worst situation, you can move out to their place. But that's just in case of emergencies.

Now that you're starting college, I assume you'll have a little more freedom than you did in school, time wise. Try and use that to spend as much time away from your parents, whether it be in the college library, or with friends, etc. Come back home at reasonable times, and then just say you're exhausted and go be in your own space. Try and build a life outside of home and treat this just as a place to come rest your head at night.

Most importantly, you need to start creating an action plan to become financially independent as soon as feasibly possible. The sooner you have your own money, the quicker you can break your parents' control over you. You can move out to PGs or working women's hostels, or whatever. There are a buncha places that will pay you for small online tasks, like fiverr and upwork and stuff. All you need is your computer and an internet connection. If you have skills like graphic design and video editing etc, even better. Do some research into those. Depending on your college major, your professors might be able to help you get some small stuff within the college as well, as a research assistant or something of the sort. If/when you find a professor you form a good bond with, tell them you're interested in participating in projects or whatever, and that they should keep you in mind. These professors will also be able to give you good recommendation letters and connections when you graduate and are looking to move into the job market.

Since you don't have much disposable income rn, I realise it might not be feasible to suggest therapy to you; but please know there are online options that take like, a 1000 - 2000 bucks per session (look up The Mind Clan.) If that's not possible, I'd like you to try doing some self therapeutic reading that might be helpful. Research books written by professionals in the field (for eg Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Dr. Susan Forward; and Childhood Disrupted: How Your Biography Becomes Your Biology, and How You Can Heal by Donna Jackson Nakazawa) and absorb their messages and do the exercises if any, to help yourself understand how this relationship has affected both your mental and physical health, identify patterns that you may have built up as defense mechanisms to cope, and how to move forward with healing.

Please know, that you WILL eventually make it out of this situation. Maybe not now, maybe not in the current foreseeable future; but eventually you WILL become financially and emotionally independent from your parents and will be able to do as you wish. It's just about hanging in there a little longer. Use this time to prepare yourself to be self sufficient in the real world, and freedom shall come sooner than later.

Please take care of yourself in the meantime. I love you lots and am rooting for you.

[ozlices]

really fucking sucks that it does not matter how openly we cry about how fucked up we are after everything this year has put us through, we are just. ignored. like. we're very open about having abandonment issues & a burden complex, but nobody gives a fuck abt ensuring that isn't. you know. constantly fueled in the aftermath of all the shit this year put us through.

we haven't suffered in silence. quite the opposite. but we're literally just. ignored. & left to rot. no matter how transparent we are abt how badly we're doing. & it sucks. like it's getting to a point where we're genuinely starting to get apathetic towards our friends & we don't fucking care to fight it off anymore.

if my friends were posting the kinda shit we do during our meltdowns, id be rushing to call them as soon as i could. maybe im just different. maybe im just a dumbass for caring so goddamn much! cause jfc it clearly isn't mutual no matter what!

how am i supposed to fight off my persecutor telling me nobody fucking loves me bc i don't deserve it when i can beg for somebody to lend their hand to me, & all i get is silence.

we haven't been checked up on. anyone we used to talk to daily has just decided we're too depressing or whatever to be around, i guess. like. idk what anyone wants from us anymore. i really fucking don't. all we want is to have somebody give a shit abt us & fucking MEAN it. actually be there for us. actually take care of us the same way we take care of everybody else.

but nah nah instead we're just. having our complexes fueled. our persecutor's ammo refilled, meanwhile we're left with nothing. absolutely fucking nothing.

the best relationship of our lives couldn't even last longer than a month & no matter what, we can't fight being made to feel like we just weren't worth keeping around.

we've never escaped being "too depressed to handle" as our token in a friend group, but like. idk. maybe if we weren't made to constantly feel so fucking alone & like nobody genuinely gives a shit abt us, we'd be able to At Least cope a bit better.

idek what to do or say anymore. like our persecutor gets on our ass for saying "nobody cares" like "oh well you're just being manipulative & fishing." bitch i GENUINELY fucking feel like nobody fucking cares about me & not a single goddamn person has tried to significantly fight that notion to any genuine degree.

it'll be fought with filler words in the moment, but again. nobody checks on us. nobody just randomly tells us they love us and care about us. nobody does the little things we've always done for our loved ones we know are going through rough times. even if we directly tell people it helps. so, what the fuck else am i sposed to say or think.

im tired of feeling like this. im tired of being lonely, and unloved, and uncared for, and like it's all fucking pointless. im tired.

i just feel like we're just forgotten about until we're needed. but when we are the ones who need someone else to help us? well, we can just fucking rot, then. i guess. we're just an annoying burden who's too depressing to be around. not worth any genuine effort. and we cannot keep fighting that notion when nobody gives a shit to stand with us against it.

[littlemissunrequitedlover]

I think I'm finally over her. That best friend I couldn't admit I was in love with back when we were still friends. She stopped talking to me in February 2023. It's now almost April 2024. I guess it took me a long time to process. But I finally threw away two things, little tokens of the time we spent together. It could just be that I'm feeling a little manic. And decided to reorganize my whole room today and came across these things and new they needed to be thrown away. But it also feels like a big step in the right direction for healing from these past few years. I mean I had known this girl since 2018 and I considered her my best friend. I really loved her. But she just stopped talking to me over a year ago. And I still have no idea why. I almost wanted to text her today. Which is something, I haven't wanted to do in a long time. Just to ask for an explanation. To ask for closure. But I'm afraid. Afraid of what she'll say. The reason she'll give. Was our friendship ending all my fault? If so I have no idea how. I mean I know I am at least half responsible. I was pissed, feeling like she didn't value our relationship at all. She was always skipping plans and not responding to my texts. I posted stuff on instagram about how friends turn into strangers because even before she really stopped talking to me that's how it felt. She posted a tiktok about how free she felt when she no longer people pleased. I was offended. When had she ever had to please me? She never even tired for me it felt like. Now idek. When she stopped texting me back in Feb 2023 I blocked her on everything, even the phone number. She could send me a letter like we did in the pandemic or for fun sometimes. If she really wanted to contact me. But she didn't. So I unblocked the phone number. At least I think I had now I've lost it. No idea what hers is becuase I have deleted so much but not our photos. I'm not willing to lose that price of us, I may never be. Last I saw she had regrown her hair and died it red. She's wearing it wavy now. And she was on the beach. She's beautiful. What was so wrong with me? Why did she stop texting? I mean even before I posted those quotes on Instagram. Why was she always flaky? Am I borning? I've been told it once or twice. But screw me, as a previous victim of domestic violence I don't want drama, I want friendships and hangouts to be peaceful, calm. Why did she stop being my friend? What was it about me? Was it becuase I told her I might want kids? Becuase I told her if I found the right person I'd have them in the next few years? I'm not getting any younger and my mom always told me she had me too late in life. I no longer even want to have kids now but I know she had a pregnancy phobia maybe that scared her. What did I do to deserve not knowing and hanging with anyone my age? Why doesn't anyone want to be my friend? Am I so awful? When did she know she was done with me? When did she know oh I'm not speaking to her anymore? Was it because I was depressed? Was it because I quit that job and was unemployed for a couple months? That shouldn't have affected our friendship I didn't live with her, and I never needed money or anything from her other than company. Was it because I took a break from school? Stopped going to the same university as her? Was it because I told her I didn't trust that chaotic person she was hanging out with? Was it because I said I would no longer like to be around them? I just want to know why? Because all my brain keeps telling me is it was becuase I suck. Do I deserve to be alone?

[karatekid1]

hi guys it been a while. Well, everything right now feels like its going up and down all the time, like on monday, three days ago, my life felt so good, i was so happy, then everything went downhill again on tuesday. today is thursday and idek how im feeling, i dont got any apeitie, and my life just feel so depressing. i realized yesterday that heartstopper is like a core memory to me, like i havent watched it since season 2 came out bc people started calling it cringe and i actually started to think it were. i was just a kid back then it feels like, because every day i get older and i feel embarressed for my younger self, in like a few months i think that this me whos writing this is gonna be so cringe, why are we like that? or maybe thats just me. but what i mean is that yesterday i listened to some of the soundtrack songs, i just felt warm and happy inside, and it kept doing everytime i listeend to the songs, i stayed up til 3 am last night just rewatching the first season and it made me cry actually idk why but it just brings me so much comfort. anyway, uni going fine ig, some subjects are really terrible, but im surviving. me and benjamin (the nick to my charlie) are still together and idk tbh how hes feeling ab me atp, like im so fucking stupid and annoying i think hes getting tired of it. i feels like im slowly loosing my mind again bc of everything. i hate myself for the way i act towards people. most people i know would call me nice, they do, but then i literally argue with everyone over stupid shit just bc i am sensetive. and i dont know how to deal with myself, i just get so easily mad and jealous of everyone and its starting to spread out more over the people i love which is not meant to happen but i cant control it. how much i try to be nick, will continue to always be charlie. what was i made for? i dont even know myself anymore. people say they're proud of me but i will literally treat them like shit without even realizing it myself. all i really want is to be seen and heard, but i end up embarresing myself, overshare or just make people upset. im just a failure, im not supposed to be here, i dont fit in. i dont know whats right or wrong anymore i just want to live my life, but im literally just miserable. i try so hard everyday, to get people to like me, to make me like myself a little bit more and not hating myself, but when ive done something wrong i cant even realise my mistake until so long after ive done it, and i feel so stupid. i dont deserve to live the life that i do. i dont deserve any of this. i try to be like everyone else, i try to be interesting but if you try too hard no one is gonna like you. and if youre not interesting people wont wanna hang out with you bc youre boring. you should be funny but not mean, you should be perfect but not fake, you shoulld be thin but not starve, you should be smart not a tryhard, you should be yourself but not different, you should be happy but not annoying, you should be kind but not too kind because then people will use you for their own good. i hate humans, i hate what we've made this world into. sorry this became a whole vent post but im just so tired of living without having anything to live FOR.

[mightnotbeok]

i'm not ok, i feel like fucking shit.

i wanna die, i wanna cvt, i wanna just not exist anymore

i know no one gives a shit so imma just ramble here

i hate my stupid fucking job. i work too much and i'm paid too little. it stresses me out so much and it's all I can think about even when I'm not even at work. i lose sleep over it and all my dreams are stressful dreams about work. minimum wage fucking sucks

i graduated high school in the summer and my plan was to save up some money for a year or two so I can go to college. idek if I wanna go to college though and I've also realised that my grades are so trash that I might not be wanted anywhere

it feels so unfair that because i was depressed during the last two years of high school that I'm now permanently fucked.

i hate the world and how it works. i hate that I need to have such a shitty job. i hate that I don't have any friends. and I hate that it's because I suck so much. dunno if I would even wanna be friends with myself tbh

I see other ppls cvts and they’re so much deeper and just idk, there are way more of them. i prefer cvtting on my left arm but because of work I constantly have to run around with short sleeved work polos.

i'd cvt on my thighs if they weren't so big and squishy

maybe i should start taking my zoloft again.

or maybe i need to just put an end to it all

[gavinsmg24]

Princess.. this is a rare moment. I’m not okay.. I dont want you to add me on snap or respond any quicker over me. There’s plenty going on for us both. And like. Idek. I’m just stunnded rn..

My dad just called me

He said my mom doesn’t want to be with him anymore.. I may say more. But. This is tonite. After I planned my trip. To see them. Dad said she apparently may be seeing someone too. Why would she talk normal. And let ne book a flight if all that’s true. I’ve heard nothing of this from her. I will be calling her tmar. But rn I’m just. Shaky. Shocked. Surprised. God. I told the boys. Idk. I dont want or need anything. I love and care about my family. But ny dad is who I’ve looked up to. I hate hearing him so heart broken and depressed. In tears in the phone. I cant do anything. I’m powerless and so is he. Why are people like this. They go on so many vacations. They just bought my dad a car. They do so much lovey stuff. Maybe only when I’m around but I doubt it. They talk as if they do silly love shit all the time. I have no words. I just. A hug from any person. And significant other would be a lot rn. But. As I’m typing. I’m in my car about to smoke to calm myself. I wish you were here. If I could have you for 1 hour. I’d ask for you now. We don’t have to touch much. Just. Maybe a hug. I know my fears would feel weightless while you held me. I’m sorry. Just emotional. I love my dad. I love you.. I’m sorry for info dump. But also.. just getting out my thoughts

[creaturebehavior]

when taylor graduated she had a party and her grandma or aunt or someone in her family made fun of me because i was taking pictures of the cookies because they were cute and i love taylor and i wanted to capture some nice memories and photography and art are things that are important to me so i took more than one photo and a took them at appealing angles and focus on framing the shots nicely, she was like *laugh* what are you doing? 🤨

i don’t even remember what my response was, i was so taken aback.

taylor said something like “ema’s like, a photographer..” but she said it kind of joking because like i’m not a photographer obviously but she kind of knows i like photography. and at the time i was having a really sensitive day, and even taylor’s comment kind of hurt my feelings because you could tell taylor wasn’t in the mood to have to defend me for doing something a little out of the ordinary in front of her family and i was embarrassed and annoyed that i felt embarrassed, and i also could just feel like, how little taylor understood me at the time like. yeah she knows i like taking pictures but she doesn’t actually know how much i love taking pictures and that idek. i feel like a lot of women aren’t taken seriously when they’re interested in photography so it hit a soft spot for me and also i was going through it at the time and it hurt that the way taylor said i was into photography sounded like, unsure and, not annoyed but like. unamused i guess would be the word. And personally, as an artist, if my friends don’t have a light behind their voice when they say the kind of art i create, that hurts my feelings.

You can tell when someone loves you and loves that you make art. idek. it was a small interaction. and there was a lot going on at the time. it’s never just about one comment.

but I never sent taylor those pictures. or even went through them and picked the final shots.

and we stopped talking after that.

when i became friends with taylor, i felt open to the fact that we didn’t have a lot in common. i kind of liked having a friends with a different background, different lifestyle, different opinions than mine. but then along the way as i started to get sicker and having episodes it became difficult to connect with her, because when you’re rapid cycling through psychosis and mania and depression and you don’t even feel like a person anymore, it’s difficult to connect with someone who has no way to relate to what you’re going through.

i’m still trying to find the words to explain to her that i care about her but that i’m not in the place to be friends. i feel so bad for ghosting, and she knows i’m unwell and last she texted me i promised her i don’t want things to be this way. i feel bad cuz i know i probably hurt her. i didn’t know what to do when i went crazy so i isolated myself from her. i became a spiraling toxic mess so i knew i couldn’t communicate effectively

ugh what is this post even about? i’m just processing. i was going through photos and i remembered about that day. I didn’t even take that many photos either. just enough to choose from.

but i remember feeling so embarrassed and unseen after that interaction with taylor’s aunt or whoever that lady was.

maybe this is excessive to some people but idek. to me this feels incredibly reasonable. you have a couple shots to choose from per angle.

I took those photos because I loved my friend and wanted to capture some memories of her graduation party because it was a big deal to me.

i also took a couple photos of the custom flower pieces her mom made. idek.

one day i’ll send her some of the photos i took but idek. i felt so sensitive about it at the time. and unappreciated i guess. like. yeah sorry that’s my friend who… likes… taking pictures i guess…

I’m fully aware i read too deeply into things and im overly sensitive. it was a really weird time in my life. still is.

Big deal. no one normal would blow those two comments out of proportion. i’m not normal though i was in fact having a BPD episode the day of her graduation party and that’s genuinely how i felt.

i made this post purely for me btw. if you read this post then whoa lol. i didn’t see that coming

[harryfeatgaga]

Hi sorry Paige I kinda wanna vent so if you don’t wanna post this just ignore or whatever. Idek what I expect you to say anyway like I don’t expect advice or comfort or anything but even though we don’t actually know each other irl (and tbh I am not heavily involved in this fandom anymore) I just feel like I can tell you things. Anyway idk how to describe the way I’ve been feeling lately. I guess it borders on depression as well as emptiness. I’ve felt this way since right before Christmas. Like, I feel sad and lost and empty all at once. Maybe part of it is my age and circumstances (don’t wanna give a specific number cause it makes me feel old and pathetic but I am younger than you and in my mid 20’s). I don’t have a great job (it’s a complete dead end), I stopped going to school (classes were getting rough for me), I don’t have a driver’s license (i’m extremely anxious about/afraid of driving), and I haven’t really had a serious relationship before or even had sex yet (i’m pretty much undesirable and unlovable). I guess part of my problem with that shit is how fucking insecure I am. It makes me afraid to interact with new people or even try to go out and be independent. But honestly I feel like my insecurities are not completely ridiculous or untrue anyway. I’m not smart or creative or pretty. If I was I would probably have a cool career by now and maybe someone who cares about me. Idk I just feel like I’ve somehow gotten way past the point of hitting rock bottom now and it does make me consider “ending things” although I’m too chicken shit to do that either. Idk I just feel so lost and empty rn. I don’t feel like I’m living life at all. Just kinda going through it rn (although ik I’ve been depressed for at least 10 years now, since the last part of my middle school days). Anyways sorry again for this long pointless ask it’s just hard cause idk what to do when I feel like this. Basically hating everything about myself from my looks (especially that) to my personality. I know the only way to really get better is to eventually do it myself but that’s hard too when the depression is so strong that I barely take care of myself as is and just wanna sleep and not wake up.

Im so sorry babe im sending you so much love and positivity and hopefully things can get better for you soon 🫶🏻

[beautifyings]

x

[villlaneve]

having terrible mental health and being on and off depressed for over 7 years, just having lost your side job, not getting the spot in university and not knowing how to proceed with my future meaning I won’t be able to be with my long distance girlfriend for another 5 years or so (until I finish a major here that I could use in the US)

even after all that ... the prospect of having to leave everything here and go live in a foreign country with no friends of my own or job, english not being my first language...feels bad man