#diagnose me

[i-am-a-fish]

Tumblr, I need your wisdom

you've seen me on this site for a while

what is my fursona

buzzfeed quiz asked me if I like pizza then told me I'm a fucking toucan. I need to ask the experts

[annikamaja8-blog]

Bruised knuckles

Screaming in the street

throwing up sushi

Dehydration

[rose-harmony96]

So like we are currently undiagnosed, and we experience a lot of internal doubts about our plurality. We would appreciate advice, affirmation, a reality check? Idk, something.

We are pretty certain that we are traumagenic but its not like theres some single event that stands out. We suspect we first started breaking around the time the world started to expect us to be a boy and by the time we were in elementary school we got bullied all the way into the game me and my friends used to play until it really did become real within me, the stories would run out almost automatically, my "character" was always at my side, growing, changing and evolving, eventually becoming twins and then there were all the supporting characters and even a layer of side characters, almost npcs? And like all of this, what we are calling the darkwater, thats where those of us who live up near the surface now actually grew up. The person that we used to be, the one who made the darkwater to begin with more or less got lost down there around the time things in reality went to hell around middle school, at this point those 3 years are a pretty huge memory hole save for a the friend who set off our queer/sexual awakening and the chunck of time around breaking our arm. Otherwise its just kinda loose, formless pain that we might honestly actually be able to dig something out of if we really really focused in but it hurts to try. Hischool at least we found our people, even met another plural person and immediately connected and felt less crazy. We openly explored a bit back then. Never really got into the depths of thr darkwater and all that but our(their?) Friends knew about a few of us at the time. In the darkwater, this was also the time that some version of most of us that live near the surface now started to form. Post highschool and anything that isnt us realizing that we are and freaking out because the male parts are smothering and supressimg the shit out of us is pretty blurry. Like i think we forgot about plurality as an issue for a few years there maybe or rather "oldself" was trying to smother us out or something. Then there was the first big mental breakdown/manic episode broke that deadlocked miserable fuck into the old dog and the lost little girl and like we were actually jade at the surface for a while there, not just calling ourself jade while oldself tries to numb it out but we were actually us, actually her. And like voices from the darkwater were coming. back, the scenes were more vivid... at one point in there we started listening to bambisleep and eventually bambi took root, going fucking nuts, and she ended up finding alex, who we figure was from that first split waaaaaay back when, (who had been the seed of an entire archetype whithin the darkwater). And like we were mostly bambi jade and alex for a while, more or less. Until another huge manic episode came blowing through and left jade totally shattered and our current family to pick up the pieces and maybe try to get out shit together?

And like our switching is pretty free flowing, we are all more or less around most of the time. A lot of the time we feel less like any particular individual and more like the collective will of the whole darkwater(?). We have huge holes in time and memory; but whats normal, whats drugs and like what even is amnesia. "I" have never experienced "getting thrown in the trunk" afaik but alex is pretty clear that she spent most of childhood "trapped in a box". We kinda like having our real family all together in one body and for some reason that feels invalidating or something?

This got long af and probably less coherent than we want but im gonna go ahead and post anyway, probably also send it to our theres once we get one.

-lilly, mostly i guess. Akiri as well probably.

[runawaygel]

yall ever be laying bed on your phone and you let out a whimper. A pathetic little awoo. Cute whiiiiines?

cause i do a lot

[ndstrawberry]

Me: stims

Parents: see me stimming and find it weird

Me: feels guilty as shit, like I'm going to get into trouble and thinks they're going to yell at me

Me: dissociates

Me: shuts down

...This is why I can't stim even in my room yippie/sarc

(I'm still stressed about it even though it happened a while ago)

[cutelootsuit]

does anybody else have the opposite of food texture sensitivity. i like spaghetti and gnocchi because i pretend im eating grubs and worms. i eat hard boiled eggs because i like pretending im a predator bird

[miseryabyss]

Does anyone else get violently possessive? I don't know how to describe it well but when i read a book that took me ages to finish, in the process it got a bit damaged. I love the book so much and want other people to read it but I also don't.

I have the mindset of only I am allowed to hurt the book (and the character) no one else and its confusing me. I also think that way with other things, too.

I started reading 2HA and the main character in that also thought that way but with a person.

[toweringclam]

I have something I've taken to call "itchy brain" where I'll suddenly start interpreting things in a very paranoid, personal way. People are against me. They're arguing with me just to argue. They're deliberately misinterpreting me. They don't care at all or they care too much. It genuinely feels like I have a sort of itch in my consciousness and I can't stop scratching it until it bleeds. I'll freak out and start begging them to tell me what's really going on or I'll start ranting about how what they said came off to me. I'll just start crying as I get in a spiral of trying to explain myself.

And then it stops.

Suddenly, I become completely aware of just how insane I'm acting. It's like this flood of negative emotions just evaporates. Which is weird because you think I'd still feel it from all the stress hormones. But no, suddenly I'm back to normal, albeit very embarrassed about my behavior over the past few minutes.

Most things I've looked into require you to feel it a lot longer-term, like days at the minimum. But it only lasts a few minutes, and I can go weeks without this problem. Intermittent explosive disorder might fit better, but it's not anger. It's fear and hurt and confusion. It might be a trauma trigger, but what could possibly be triggering it and why, I have no idea. It's not an autistic meltdown, those feel different. More overwhelming, less itchy.

IDK, Tumblr seems to be good at diagnosing brainwrong. If anyone knows wtf is up with me, please let me know, and share this if you don't.

[blue-spruce-bruce]

Sunday: life has meaning and it is To Suffer

Monday: I am light my coffee is light the flowers bloom the same way love in my heart bursts with every passing joy I want to marry the world

[myfateislosingitspatience]

Okay, I’ve been getting these. Um, does anyone else get these spots on nails too? My old friend used to get em but they didn’t know why either. Does anyone know wtf they are?

(Ignore my janky pinky lol)

[cowardstiel]

11:30pm night b4 my bday (✌️)and i’m holding back tears bc i’ll never be 22 and listening to taylor swift 22 again. now i really will be feeling like i’m 22 which is still a slay but i’m just lamenting the passage of time ig

[justmychampagneproblems]

DIAGNOSE ME, CAUSE I CAN’T KEEP WONDERING WHY

[nelson-riddle-me-this]

[anxietyposting]

I’ve always been the eternal optimist.

Always known that life was just a matter of choices; if you can control yourself, you can control your life.

Anything and everything is possible for anyone and everyone. People just lacked the insight to realize their potential and true human tenacity.

As I’m reaching 30, the illusions of my 20s are falling apart. It’s finally dawning on me that I’ve always been wrong. Overconfident, naive, stubborn, unyielding, and blind. I had no idea how far the wool was over my eyes.

A quarter-life crisis makes you realize your faults and reexamine your whole life mantra.

Surely I should have reached this milestone sooner. How have I been so wrong for so long?

Somebody called me haughty today for the first time. I didn’t know what it meant, so I looked it up. How the hell did I get here from innocent confidence and overcompensating for my lack of social skills? Bitterness, loneliness, deep sorrow, anxiety, and long-felt fucking agony.

Being as cunningly rude and creatively insulting makes me feel so fucking good. I love being a bitch. I love being mean to people. It gives me such a rush for no reason at all.

I’ve always known something upstairs was off, wrong somehow. I don’t process trauma, social cues, or visual information like other people my age. Extreme violence, gore, crime, none of it bothers me. When my classmates were horrified by the very idea of something, I was completely apathetic. I didn’t understand why everyone was so upset. I racked my brain but couldn’t think of a single thing.

I didn’t and still don’t understand why people sometimes look uncomfortable when they’re talking to me. I just want to be comfortable and proficient at talking to other people. I don’t usually understand why people are bothered by what I say or why I’m treated differently. The things I say are supposedly inappropriate, but I don’t know how.

It doesn’t matter. Every day I cry about the passing of time and the millions of things I cannot control but instead control me. I panic when I think about my husbands age. The thought of my children growing up and moving out someday brings me physical pain.

I simultaneously crave to live my life and fear what will happen if I both do and don’t. I can’t sleep at night anymore, and I barely eat. I just keep my body moving and my mind distracted so I don’t break down.

Any psychological insight from anyone? I’m completely miserable but terrified to lose what I have. I’m constantly terrified but always apathetic too. Can someone, anyone point me in the direction of any sort of ballpark guess of a mental health disorder? Please, hit me with them.

[merledixonsbluebaggy]

all i hear is chappell roan singing all her songs simultaneously in my head 24/7

[chronicsymptomsyndrome]

*displays textbook symptomatic behavior of my own disorder that I am well educated on* what’s my deal why am I like this