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kohakhearts · 11 months ago

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goh parentified child syndrome. go(h)

my time is here at last. thank you for enabling me <3 apologies for taking months to finish writing this giant post!

welcome to my dissertation on this fucking Dynamic <3

ok! first thing, let's establish our criteria for Parentified Child Syndrome. this is obviously not like, an actual diagnostic Thing, but there are a million and one articles out there for us to look through. so i did the tough work of scouring those to find some Symptoms we can use as anchor points here. a lot of this is split into "emotional" (parents seeking comfort from their children, rather than comforting them) vs. "material" (parents assigning their children responsibilities that are not age-appropriate (e.g. grocery shopping, paying bills, etc.)) needs, but for simplicity i'll just merge them together - because realistically, they often go hand-in-hand. so the primary symptoms we'll work with here will be:

disruptive childhood behaviours (particularly at school)

stress and anxiety

reluctance to participate in play/age-appropriate activities with their peers

difficulty acknowledging and accepting one's feelings

insecure attachment styles

need to feel "in control"

distrustful of others/self-reliant to a fault

absenteeism and poor performance in school

passive communication style

the other obvious prerequesite here is the family dynamic. so let's dissect that one a bit!

goh's family situation isn't actually like...100% clear. but i have analyzed every episode where his family is even mentioned like it's my full-time job and i have no reason to believe his grandmother actually lives with him. so in the scope of this essay, i am assuming that she lives nearby, and most likely has a key to the apartment, but does not live with them.

otherwise, we are given enough context to assume that camille and walker have been busy with work goh's entire life (though i'd choose to believe for my own sanity that in his infancy his mother at least wasn't working...though given the type of job she has, that's actually...kinda hard to say for sure). we can also assume that they've at least been self-employed for the majority of his life. it's clear that they are fairly well-established in the city/in their field by jn, and since goh is supposed to be 10 at this point, it makes sense to me that they've been building that company up pretty much his whole life.

in terms of the work they do, goh tells ash, my dad is a system engineer and my mom is a programmer. they run a company together. granted, we don't see very much of their actual workplace, but what we do see is completely void of other people. as in, camille and walker do all this work BY THEMSELVES.

nothing in the anime otherwise disputes this! if anything, goh's explanations of his parents' lifestyle just reinforces it. he also suggests that during periods of harsh weather and heavy system use, his parents are busier than usual. this implies that they are most busy during holidays. this is actually further implied by the flashback in jn015 where they explicitly say to him that they're sorry for having to work through the holiday. his reaction, being completely unengaged, not even really even acknowledging it, tells us that this is the norm.

however!! he also shows off a special device to horace in jn032 that he says his parents made specifically for him, to help him learn more about mew. this suggests that they must have some amount of free time to dedicate to him...but they show their love for him through material gifts related to their line of work (his computer set-up, too; he tells scorbunny that his parents set it all up for him).

otherwise, we see camille and walker privately share their concerns about goh (a clear awareness that he doesn't have many friends, concern about him being lonely because of them, etc.) but never actually confront goh with their concerns or appear to go out of their ways to do anything about it. i wrote a bit about this and the symbolism of having him catch a cubone of all pokemon in the episode we're introduced to his family here but the tl;dr is that camille and walker demonstrate care for goh to each other but not to him - presumably to compensate for their physical absence, we get the impression he's given a lot of freedom and little to no discipline.

which brings me to the first criterion:

disruptive childhood behaviours (with a side of absenteeism, which presumably contributes to poor performance in school)

goh's school life is obviously inconvienent to the plot progression, so for narrative purposes the writers have him just not go to school. in jn049 we get the explanation that goh had made a promise to their teacher to show up to school for tests...but the weird thing about this scene is that chloe's surprised by it:

since in jn001 and jn002 we see that chloe is goh's only point of contact amongst his schoolmates and that she hand delivers schoolwork to him at her dad's lab, the only way this exchange really makes sense to me is if it's a new arrangement. even the fact that goh makes a point of saying "hey, i followed through, go me" to their teacher here gives that vibe.

so, we can extrapolate from that that...prior to whenever this agreement was made, goh just didn't go to school because he didn't want to. but given how schools operate, we can pretty safely assume his parents are aware of this. and i have strong reason to believe that they have at least been on the receiving end of phone calls from teachers or administrators, because of these lines from jn015:

all things considered, this is a weird assumption to make, especially about your hyper-independent introverted child...unless there's a history of disruptive or unfriendly behaviour to inform that assumption. and based on goh's behaviour in jn001 at professor oak's pokemon camp, i don't think it's so out there to say the pattern probably was there.

goh is actually a super sweet kid towards his parents and has a clear admiration for them both. even in flashbacks, his whole thing is kind of like...he doesn't want to bother them. they fall asleep on family vacation and don't spend time with him? well, that's fine! he'll just find something else to do! in that same episode in the flashback sequence, they pick him up on the side of the road alone in the pouring rain and he doesn't say a word to them. even though he was angry and upset before.

so, yeah. i think it would make a lot of sense if he were well-behaved at home and not so much so at school. but camille and walker, even when they learn about things that happen, don't seem to probe or discipline him. whether because of any combination of giving him leeway out of guilt or of not wanting to encourage him to act out at home, we don't know. but the disconnect obviously exists.

which then contributes to

stress and anxiety, difficulty acknowleding and accepting one's feelings, and passive communication style

goh is socially awkward, yes, and clearly very anxious socially especially early on in jn, but a lot of that seems to come from an inability to express his wants and needs. i think jn003 has some of the most succinct examples of this - ash having to realize he's struggling and to reach down to him when they're climbing the tower in order for him to even accept that he can get (and needs) help getting up, and then later one when he stumbles over his words trying to ask ash to be his friend.

i think another good example is in jn007, after he gets knocked out at the flute cup. passive communication relies a lot on shifts in body language and in, well, passive statements. when ash approaches him to tell him to cheer up, goh doesn't actually really...respond to that. he does this

and then runs off. which he does fairly often, actually, even as late as jn135. it's emotional avoidance 101. literally just run away from the thing that's bothering you. something else we see in jn135 is him backing out of admitting he wants to go on a journey - because he is concerned about ash's reaction (though i think it's a little more complex than that, but i'll circle back to that).

and of course there's jn062, which i wrote a lot about in this post. but the whole thesis of the episode is that goh has learned through his relationships up to this point that it's okay to not understand your feelings but you still have to feel them. and it's actually a really beautiful character development moment for him, but also reinforces the fact that he still doesn't know how to grapple with his own emotions. after finally finding drizzile and explaining how he knew he would find it there, he starts to cry and doesn't know why. but even aside from feeling vulnerable, it's kind of a culmination of this stress he's been carrying with him throughout the whole episode...and the sense of responsibility he feels for driving drizzile away. which is a great segue into

insecure attachment styles and need to feel "in control"

if there's one thing i feel like people sleep on regarding goh's character, it's how much of a mother hen he is. he's obviously very thorough and thoughtful when it comes to looking after his pokemon - as in jn062 where he spends all that time chasing down drizzile after it runs away, even to the point of telling ash and chloe that they should stay behind because it's getting late but that he's going to keep looking - but he's the same way with ash.

off the top of my head, things like buying extra scones because he knew ash would want them, making ash wash his hands after eating ice cream, chastising him about punctuality, you know...very parental kind of things. he actually does it with horace too, when they first meet, by bringing a lunch for them both when he goes back to the forest to meet him again.

anyway, being a Mom Friend is cute and all, but it also REEKS of parentified child. taking on responsibilities that aren't yours to fulfill? yeah. that's a need to feel in control. it's what he's used to! it offers him security!

the other side of this is...chloe. goh's first friend, who he refuses to consider a friend, or let consider him a friend. but, like, she obviously IS his friend. and yet our introduction to them gives us this exchange

goh and chloe have a pretty tense relationship at the beginning of jn, wherein she is clearly trying to help him (by you know. getting his homework for him and shit) and he blows her off in a text message, which she complains is a repeating behaviour. chloe is obviously very loyal to him, even though he doesn't seem to repay the favour. again, there's a big disconnect here.

insecure attachments generally stem from anxiety over potential rejection and/or poor self-esteem cultivated in childhood based on parents’ emotional availability (or lack thereof) to their children. by keeping chloe an arm's distance away, goh keeps himself safe from the dangers of vulnerability, taught to him through childhood encounters with emotionally unavailable parents.

i'm not here to armchair diagnose (ok, who am i kidding, yeah i am), but i think goh's attachment style is anxious-avoidant. his clear avoidance of making friends, the multiple times we see him break off his friendship with ash only to minutes later be like "me and the bestie"...yeah, that's avoidance. but he does crave intimacy, arguably even more than he fears it.

hence why even though he knows ash would want him to journey on his own...he still convinces himself that actually telling ash that would be, as he calls it, a "betrayal of [their] friendship." my theory is that he's not concerned that ash will be upset - he's concerned that ash won't be upset enough. which is why when then ash turns it around on him and says he's going on a journey, goh gets upset and pushes him away. he does the exact same thing with horace when they're younger. just a complete 180 - he wronged me once, so he's the worst and i can't forgive him, ever.

the difference with chloe is that she actually takes care of him more than he takes care of her - which changes the dynamic from "i have to do everything to keep this person in my life, including suppressing my emotions for their sake" to "i cannot express to this person that i have needs and desires because they'll think i'm too much and they won't stick around if i do." which is primarily avoidant, but insecure attachment nonetheless.

this is extrapolation, but i think his relationship with chloe is so different because we are supposed to get the sense that they have a more familial dynamic. so, she's the one person he can't push away from him - but as he learned in his actual family dynamic, he also can't be too close to her. he doesn't want to be smothered; he doesn't want her to feel smothered by him. so they maintain a degree of separation that only begins to go away after her father begins literally housing and feeding him, thus integrating him and ash into their family in some honorary way.

which brings me to the last point, i guess, which is

reluctance to participate in age-appropriate activities with peers and self-reliant to a fault

these are, i think, the traits that jn is most blatantly attempting to better in goh throughout his arc. so i won't spend too long hashing it out, because i think these are things we all know he struggled with!

in flashbacks, we see him alone at school; during the first episode, at professor oak's camp, he is always physically distanced from the other kids and chloe even points out that he's basically doing professor oak's job at one point! he's not on the same level as the other kids and it's clear he doesn't want to be. when he meets horace, we see that it takes him some time to get comfortable enough with him to go explore the forest together and become friends.

he doesn't go to school, but that doesn't mean he isn't learning things - he becomes a very self-directed learner early on, from what he see. he's not just like...rotting in his room playing video games. he's studying and researching. the only times aside from with horace that we see him in a flashback doing something that isn't solitary is with pokemon - and even then, he's like...reciting their pokedex entries. his abra story at the end of jn is precipitated by him saying he was going through his dad's old pokedex (which is a whole other thing - this implies walker used to be a trainer, but neither of goh's parents seem to have pokemon...perhaps they're too busy with work to look after them? a theory for another time, i suppose, but it has undeniably being gnawing at my brain since that episode aired lol).

and of course, there's the fact that in jn062 he tells drizzile he was never comfortable with confiding in his parents or his grandmother...suggesting that he never confided in anyone, because we don't really get the sense from the whole "i don't NEED friends" exchange in jn001 that he considers chloe a reliable confidant, either.

the other place we see his flawed sense of self-reliance, aside from like...everywhere in the first 10 or so episodes, lol (something that is reflected pretty beautifully and symbolically in scorbunny's story, too!), is in project mew. he has to learn how to work in a team - and he clearly hates it. at this point he's found one person to rely on, but that already feels like too much. the raid battle with articuno is the most obvious example of this. he isn't good at being a leader, but he also isn't good at being a follower. because he's only ever been responsible for himself, and he doesn't trust anyone else to know how to direct him, but he also has no clue how to work within the parameters of a team.

i also want to say, as a final note, that i actually think this is all extremely intentional writing. obviously in the west we have a strong capitalism culture too, but the work culture in japan is very toxic (just google "japan work culture" and you can see right away how intense it is lol) and i'm not actually surprised at all that pokemon would make such a direct commentary on that - a lot of japanese kids could probably relate to goh and his emotionally absent, work-obsessed parents! they are clearly pretty well-off, but their dedication to work supercedes matters of home and family, because that's how it's supposed to be. as a result, goh admires them a lot for this dedication - but his arc is primarily about letting go of the "work" part of interacting with pokemon and learning how to have fun and make the most of his experiences. and i think that's a really lovely message for modern pokemon to be sending to kids :')

#answered #*meta #mine #i wrote most of this in may but i came back to finish it tonight shjdfghj hi #goh #pokemon #anipoke #tangentially i actually noticed something similar with the way hz has the kids do like...distance learning and stuff LOL #even sv in itself as like. a school-based adventure. the current culture influence is SO glaring...of course they're emphasizing school as #part of this fantasy world for kids to escape in. i think a lot of adults didn't Get It...but sv were developed during covid. so...yeah #pokemon has always done a very good job of making cultural commentary like this imo!

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xxsyluslittlecrowxx · 1 month ago

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𝐒𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍 𝐃𝐀𝐘𝐒.

Seven days left until I turn in my thesis. Seven days until I toss my soul into the academic void, where joy is footnoted, sleep is optional, and every sentence must be defensible under threat of scholarly execution.

After that: the dissertation. May the gods grant me mercy. Or caffeine. Either works.

So, for now, I won’t be chronically online (a national tragedy, I’m aware). I’ll vanish into a haze of references, citations, and mild existential dread. That said, when the new Love and Deepspace chapters drop, I will probably rise like a thirst-driven cryptid to post edits. Priorities, you know?

In the meantime — my inbox is open. Requests box will be closed at May 31.

If you’ve got requests, headcanons, or forbidden little thoughts you want transformed into words, send them. I’ll be back in June, hopefully human-shaped and ready to sin through syntax again (I'll post a publishing schedule). Also if you want to be added to a taglist, write and I'll add you.

To those of you who’ve stayed, who’ve read, reblogged, whispered kind things into the corners of my writing: thank you. You’ve made this strange, feral little corner of Tumblr and AO3 feel like home.

I adore you. I crave your chaos. And I’ll see you soon — lipstick smudged, thesis filed, hungry to write something that ruins us both just a little. 🖤🖤🖤

#love and deepspace #love and deepspace sylus #love and deepspace zayne #love and deepspace xavier #love and deepspace rafayel #love and deepspace caleb #elisabeth eve writes

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inkstainbleed · 27 days ago

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So hello!

I’m pretty new to the #SPN fandom (finally binged the whole series during COVID). I watched nearly all of it without dipping a toe into fandom. I only started toward the end because I was just fascinated by the relationship between Sam and Dean, and I was curious if it extended to Jared and Jensen — which it obviously did, which sent me down a rabbit hole of convention vids and lore and then SamDean dissertations and HCs and endless fanfic (some of which is flat brilliant) and anyway…

I finally want to dip my toe into writing for this fandom but I’m kind of at a loss where to start. I love all the epic sagas and sprawling AUs but I want to start small. I also see holes in every season and plot line, see endless potential in the boys’ dysfunctional relationship, and it’s almost too much to process. So I figured if anyone is reading this (and no one may be, given it’s my first post and all) maybe they’ve got a plot bunny or scene I could give a whirl. Or maybe suggestions for accounts with story prompts?

Above all I love the SamDean soulmateism, whether it’s platonic (or not). I also love their very twisted and complicated childhood even outside the supernatural. I have zero issue (and have come to really enjoy) Wincest but might want to build up to that since it’s out of my wheelhouse. (Though if the muse hits…) I am a writer, but I haven’t written a lot of fanfic and never for this fandom. I like most of the supporting characters so no issues with including them in some capacity.

I love them both. As the oldest sibling I identify more with Dean, but I find myself more emotionally connected with Sam just because he breaks my heart on the regular. Well, they both do, but the tragedy of Sam calls to me.

Anyway, I have itchy fingers and no clear direction so figured I’d scream into the void. I’m older than my 20s so not on TikTok, Twitter is a hellscape, I don’t understand Discord (but willing to give it a shot) and zero interest in fandom drama. I like what I like and no one’s changing my mind. 😉

#supernatural #writing #sam winchester #dean winchester #samdean #soulmates #son

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the-most-humble-blog · 3 months ago

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🚨 I’ve Discovered the Block Button🚨

A Revolutionary Tool in the Art of Telling People to Shut the Fck Up—Permanently*

Welcome to the Golden Age of Digital Darwinism

Ladies, gentlemen, and intellectual warlords of the internet, today marks a revolutionary discovery in my already lethal arsenal of online dominance.

I, a humble yet undeniable force of nature, have discovered the Block Button. And with it, I have achieved inner peace, unparalleled power, and the ability to instantly euthanize weak arguments with a single click.

📌 THE ERA OF SUFFERING IN THE DM TRENCHES IS OVER

Once upon a time, I graciously tolerated the digital equivalent of a flatulent toddler having a tantrum in my inbox.

Every day, the same weak-wristed goons would show up: ❌ The angry reply guy who just got his worldview suplexed into the dirt. ❌ The professional victim crying about "tone" because facts hurt their feelings. ❌ The self-righteous dissertation writer who demands "a debate" but gets winded halfway through a sentence. ❌ The desperate white knight who thinks he’s earning feminist coochie coupons by crying “misogyny” at me in the hopes that someone, somewhere, will touch his limp, trembling hand.

🚨 For too long, I suffered in silence. 🚨 For too long, I watched these emotionally unstable disasters fling their word vomit into my DMs.

But no more.

Because I have discovered the single greatest tool in digital history.

🚀 The Block Button. 🚀

📌 THE BLOCK BUTTON: A MASTERPIECE OF HUMAN INNOVATION

This divine gift of modern technology allows me to evaporate weaklings into the void with the same ease as flicking lint off my sleeve.

With a single ruthless, efficient, and merciful action: 📌 Their cries are silenced. 📌 Their fragile egos are left screaming into the abyss. 📌 Their Twitter dissertations and unreadable copypasta essays become meaningless dust in the wind.

👉 Gone. Just like that. 👉 No arguments. No discussions. No prolonged suffering.

💀 They cease to exist in my digital kingdom. 💀

And the best part?

📢 They can still see me. 📢 They can still rage. 📢 But they can no longer interact.

I exist in their minds like a ghost they can never exorcise. I live in their subconscious like an unpaid bill they forgot about. I haunt them like the existential dread of knowing they will never, ever win.

📌 COMMON TYPES OF BLOCKED WASTES OF DATA

Now that I have ascended into a realm of peace and power, I have classified the most common creatures that get yeeted into the ether via THE BLOCK.

1️⃣ The Keyboard Warrior Who Writes Essays But Can’t Read a Room

This one needs you to read his 14-paragraph, Oxford comma-abusing manifesto.

His entire argument hinges on misinterpreting what you said and replacing it with strawman nonsense.

Block. Now his dissertation has no audience.

He will read it to himself in the dark, alone, like an unpaid Shakespearean actor screaming into his mirror.

2️⃣ The Pretentious Intellectual Who Overuses Words They Don't Understand

If I had a dollar for every time a “debate bro” misused "fallacious" in a sentence, I'd have fuck-you money.

Block. No more free lessons in literacy.

3️⃣ The “I’m Just Asking Questions” Gaslighter

He doesn't want answers.

He wants to drag you into an infinite black hole of pointless back-and-forths because he thrives on wasting time.

Block. Let him “ask questions” into the void.

4️⃣ The Clown Who Can't Let Sh*t Go

3 weeks later, he’s still mad.

5 months later, he’s still writing Tumblr posts about it.

A year later, he mentions it in therapy.

Block. End the saga.

5️⃣ The “Just Take the L” Guy Who Won’t Shut Up

My guy, I already won. You’re still replying.

Block. Your letters are returned to sender.

📌 THE DIGITAL LAWS OF BLOCKING: WHEN, WHY, AND HOW TO YEET WITHOUT MERCY

🚀 WHEN TO BLOCK: ✔ When their brain cells collapse under the weight of a factual statement. ✔ When their response reads like a meth-fueled fever dream. ✔ When they’re so desperate for your attention, they’ll reply to their own replies. ✔ When they’re an adult acting like a caffeinated 12-year-old on Xbox Live chat.

🚀 WHY TO BLOCK: 📌 Because your mental real estate is worth more than the trailer park in their brain. 📌 Because your time is finite, and their nonsense is infinite. 📌 Because sometimes, hitting "mute" isn't enough—they need to be THROWN INTO THE VOID.

🚀 HOW TO BLOCK WITH STYLE: ✔ No announcement. No preamble. Just click. ✔ Don’t tell them you’re blocking—it’s more fun when they realize it too late. ✔ Bonus points if you let them waste their best insults first.

They will think about it for WEEKS.

📌 THE AFTERMATH: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BLOCK A TROLL?

❌ They spiral. ❌ They cope. ❌ They stalk your page for weeks, hoping to find a sign that you regret it.

📢 Spoiler: You don’t.

💀 They are now digital ghosts, condemned to wander in rage and irrelevance.

📌 FINAL VERDICT: THE BLOCK BUTTON IS GOD’S WORK

I used to think I had to fight every fool who wandered into my DMs. I used to believe I owed explanations, counterarguments, and endless patience to people who didn’t deserve my time.

🚨 I was WRONG. 🚨

📢 The Block Button is a revolution in digital warfare. 📢 The Block Button is the nuclear option that ends stupidity in one click. 📢 The Block Button is the greatest invention of the 21st century, and I will use it without hesitation.

📌 FINAL CALL TO ACTION: BLOCK FREELY, BLOCK MERCILESSLY, BLOCK FOR PEACE

🔥 If you have ever blocked an idiot and felt instant relief, REBLOG. 🔥 If you love that a troll can still SEE YOU but can’t TOUCH YOU, FOLLOW [The Most Humble Blog]. 🔥 If you have ever laughed at a blocked person desperately trying to get your attention, COMMENT with your best "blocked and forgotten" story.

💀 You either learn to block, or you spend your life arguing with the doomed.

🚀 Choose wisely. 🚀

⚖️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER: This post is written for the purpose of artistic expression, cultural commentary, and psychological exploration of social and gender dynamics. It does not condone or encourage violence, harassment, or discrimination of any kind. Any references to power, strength, restraint, or critique are metaphorical, symbolic, and rooted in historical and cultural analysis. It’s a cultural mirror. If you feel offended, ask yourself if it’s from actual harm — or from seeing something you hoped no one would say out loud.

✨ TL;DR: If you're mad, it’s probably not because it’s wrong — it’s because you know it’s true.

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veliseraptor · 3 months ago

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Going to be longer than a simple assumption but it's maybe a bit funny & I find myself with a lot of feelings but here goes:

I "found" you at least 5-6 years ago when I was deep in my Marvel phase and I was always enthralled by your depiction of Loki (Where the Devil Don't Go is still a series I revisit bi-monthly). I was pretty young at the time, so I lowkey idolised what I saw from you on a03 and thought you were a great writer, seemed like you had your life put together etc etc. And then I followed you on tumblr a couple years later and realised you're just like the rest of us – tired, over-worked, sleep-deprived and disappointed in society 😭😭🤡🤡

But I do still really like the way you lay out your thoughts whether it's in your heeheehaha form or in your argumentative/dissertative form – your stuff are always a good read and thought provoking and I really enjoy the glimpses of your mind that I get to see :))

Thanks for existing <3

this is funny to me, thank you for sharing! this definitely makes me think of that one post that's describing basically this exact experience re: going from someone's writing to their tumblr. not quite eating mayonnaise out of the jar but the vibes are there

and thank you so much re: the compliment! I spend a lot of time Thinking and I'm glad that my spitting my Thinking into the void is occasionally rewarding to other people.

tell me something you assume about me because of my tumblr

#conversating #loneswaggingranger #lise memes

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violetasteracademic · 1 year ago

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On Disrupting the Status Quo: The Archeron Sisters

First of all, I want to thank everyone so much for the love on my previous post! I genuinely thought I was sending a Vassien Hero's Journey dissertation out into the void and not a soul alive would read it. I am thrilled and delighted to have been met with such welcome in this space!

I'll keep this next one short and sweet, (retcon- I did not keep it short and sweet) but one of my additional favorite topics to break down regarding the structure of the Archeron sister's and their journey's is a disruption of the status quo to the world at large. Through their stories of healing, love, and coming into their power, both Feyre and Nesta have tackled a system of patriarchy within Prythian/Illirya and improved conditions for females in a way no one has been able to do before the arrival of the Made Sisters. I truly hope Elain gets her chance to do the same!

Feyre at the beginning of her Hero's Journey: There are no High Ladies. Only males have the power to oversee a court. Feyre, not only through her relationship with Rhys but through her own healing journey and establishing her power, takes his side as an equal. She is High Lady. Feyre showed that females can be more. They do not simply have to sit by the side with no titles or agency and let males fight over who gets to keep them as Lady of their court. They can be equal in power. Even Tarquin, who has his own plans to disrupt power imbalances, was surprised.

And of course, my hope is we got some foreshadowing for more High Ladies to step up with Viviane. She single handedly held the Winter Court together during those harrowing years Under the Mountain, both as a warrior and a leader.

Moving on to Nesta, her Hero's Journey led her to solve a problem that her mate and the High Lord of the Night Court hadn't been able to solve for HUNDREDS of years- getting females training.

More than that, she and Gwyn and Emerie became not only the first females to ever participate in the Blood Rite, but they also won.

By coming into her power and going down her path to accept her life as Fae and heal, The Valkyrie's have been restored and females of any heritage now have a safe space to train without the leering contempt of Devlon and the Illyrians. I certainly hope Illyria continues to progress, but this is a huge start. And it is all because of Nesta and her choice to lean into who she would be in this new life now that she had chosen to face it.

Aaaaand I'm crying. Please hold.

Now we move onto Elain. And this is my question- if Elain is *not* going to disrupt the status quo by challenging the mating bond, by pushing against the expectations of her court to satisfy political conflicts and taking away her agency in who she wants to love, then who is going to do it? And what is going to be done for the females of Prythian who are unhappily mated? What is going to be done for Lady Autumn, for females like Rhy's mother, for all who *tried* to make it work because females have little to no choice in who they are paired with?

*Someone* is going to tell this story. And in doing so, they will not only be making the best choice for themselves, but they are going to challenge the very foundation of another way females are kept in submission like Feyre and Nesta did. They are going to demand that no one else goes through what Feyre did-giving Tamlin the right to wage a war simply by putting a ring on her finger then deciding not to go through with the wedding and leaving him by choice. Someone is going to ask why anyone had the right to sell Lady Autumn into a lifetime of abuse. Why Morrigan was allowed to be sold as a commodity. Someone is going to remember what it felt like to lose their fiancé because the mating bond meant they "belonged" to someone they didn't even know.

Someone is going to say no more. No more of females being political pawns, being objects to be sold and traded, to having their choices stripped and lives controlled over a system that is widely accepted as deeply flawed and not entirely understood.

This story will be told. And if it is not told by Elain Archeron, then I simply ask, who will?

The Archeron sisters are not maintaners.

They are disruptors.

#elriel #pro elain archeron #pro elain #pro elriel #azriel x elain #elriel supremacy #elriel endgame #elain archeron

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crazylittlejester · 5 months ago

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So... because of timezones (i think) you posted that question about what fics we're looking forward to at like past midnight and I didn't have the mental capacity to answer. Now it's 10am where I am and my first order of business is to send you an essay on the fics you've written that I've enjoyed!

So if I remember right, I started following you when you were writing the Your A Part Of Me series. I LOVE your portrayal of Warriors and Time (and sometimes Wind) and I'm pretty sure you're the reason i love war of eras found family fics! Though if I could choose a single one of these fics for you to update it would be the body swap fic. For a fic with only 2 chapters, I've re-read it an unhealthy amount of times 😅

I was also here when you were brainstorming the Twilight but Wars is Bella AU and I'm waiting with baited breath for that one. Crack fics usually don't interest me, but for some reason this one sounds amazing and I can't wait to bingeread the whole thing in one sitting! (No pressure though!)

And of course I can't end this rant without mentioning your modern au. I love aus like this, I love seeing each authors interpretation of what our blorbos would be like in a different setting, I find it FASCINATING and yours is one of the great ones! You've put so much thought into it and the only reason I haven't read/kudos more of those fics is because uni started up again last week for me and I've got a deadline soon for a project that is the equivalent of a dissertation (AND I'm doing a dissertation as well which was a ✨️mistake✨️ im having fun cus im writing/composing video game music but theres so much work!!!) and i use fic to escape the real world not be reminded of it. I'm sure I'll get round to your other modern au fics after my deadline 😀

Anyway, before I go back to lurking, I just wanted to remind you to write what YOU want to write and not force yourself to write something you've lost the motivation for just because people are asking for it. I can say from experience that writing out of obligation is a great way to take the joy out of writing and I wouldn't wish that fate on anyone!

I'm going to sink back into the void whence I came now. Bye! 🩷💚💜

thank you so much for this!!

im definitely working on chapter 3 for the body swap fic so dw dw :)

I told myself i was going to finish that entire au before i start posting it so it can have consistent updates aldkdkk but its taking sooo long. i have not forgotten about it, im still slowly working on it, maybe i’ll post chapter one when its half done or something

im glad you like the modern au!! and good luck on your work 🫡🫡🫡

take care if yourself!! 💙

#jes ask

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fallenfortheniche · 11 months ago

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The Scriddler Dissertation Part 1

(As lovingly named by Adhdnursegoat)

This is a re-posting of my initial reply to the origin of Scriddler w/minor adjustments so it can stand as its own post

Data Clarification: For reference all of the following sections are based only on digital fan works/discussions of these characters that I’ve been able to find. I’m sure there are many older websites, zines, and live fan events that I just don’t know about. Most of these observations come from searching through LiveJournal, Fanfiction.net, and AO3)

I’ve been fascinated by this topic for years and it took me multiple days to write this. One of the things I’ve been doing in my off time over the last year or so is tracking how different ships came about and how they change overtime/interact with trends in fandom. Scriddler is one of the ships I’ve spent a decent amount of time looking into because it fascinated me so much.

You’ve got this ship between two prominent characters, it’s the most written about ship for each character in their primary continuity, and they have barely shared a screen or let alone even talked to each other, along with the fact that no one could really confidently say how it came about.

The thing about Scriddler is that there isn’t a point origin the can be pinned down. There was no ship defining panel or interaction that acted as a catalyst to jump start the whole thing. Instead it just started as a few people seeing the potential these two characters had for an interesting dynamic and made fan works about that. From what I’ve been able to find, fan work featuring both characters interacting doesn’t begin to show up online until around 2006. Most of these are not Ship based stories although a few of those were still posted around this time.

As time went on you began to see more romantic/sexual ones pop up. The amount of these stories started out small with only about 4 to 7 being posted a year across multiple platforms. This pace stayed steady until 2011 when Arkham City was released.

This point is where some people might consider the origin of Scriddler to be. Fans became enamored with the few audio interactions that Jonathan and Edward had and began to write more about them in the Arkham Games continuity. The reason I don’t consider this to be the origin point is two fold. 1: a relatively decent amount of fic for these characters had already been written for about 5 years at this point. 2: The majority of stories written about this ship during and post Arkham City & Asylum do NOT take place in the games continuity and instead take place in a vague ‘comics’ continuity.

Now back to the main point, you can’t find an origin for Scriddler because there isn’t one. A bunch of people all just collectively agreed that it would be neat.

(Aside 1: I’d like to note that someone once claimed that Scriddler began due to people wanting to ship Cillian Murphy’s scarecrow with someone but not having anyone in the movies so they landed on Riddler from the comics. This is definitely not the case as the vast majority of stories at the time shipped Scarecrow with the Joker not Edward to fill that gay ship void and I couldn’t find any evidence of Edward being shipped with Jon in that continuity during that time)

#Scriddler #The dissertation part 1 #edward nygma #johnathan crane #scarecrow #riddler #fanfiction #fanfiction history

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a-heart-of-kyber · 4 days ago

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This is a whole ass self-indulgent Viktor based essay. Feel free to ignore as it may disappear.

I suppose...I'm giving you my dissertation idk 🤣.

(This was made in reference to a reddit post regarding whether jayvik met in every timeline.)

Author's Note; I use the term ‘Mage Viktor’ to describe Alt Viktor because it is the term the fandom has adopted. However, if we're to take the word of Christian Linke (unfortunate) this is a gross simplification of what Viktor is in both being and power level. CL has stated that Viktor is something special, something Runeterra hasn't seen before and that he is not merely an Arcane user.

Based on my research he seems to be something like an Aspect Host, but I suppose that would depend on whether or not the Arcane is an Aspect or something beyond that. Either way, based on the title ‘The Herald of the Arcane’ or the ‘Arcane Herald’ Viktor acts in a way similar to the Silver Surfer (the Herald of Galactus), as an omen of a coming power/destruction. But he also seems to act directly as the voice of the Arcane, the speaking voice of a voiceless force of nature. The vibes are that he both is and isn't the Arcane itself as much as he both is and isn't Viktor imo.

No matter how you slice it when it comes to what he is, it's still safe to say he did ascend.

As such, I would much rather refer to him as Alt Viktor or God Viktor, but…alas.

I don't disagree with the idea that there are some timelines where they never met. And maybe that's because I had a very different reaction to the statement "In all timelines, in all possibilities, only you." Which is possibly due to the various other time travel stories and stories based in Fate as a concept that I've experienced.

Because, for one, my initial reaction to that line, with the explicit knowledge that Mage Viktor is described as Ancient in the text, is that this man has tried Everything. Literally everything to stop himself.

And Nothing has worked, because you don't keep doing something over and over and over again expecting a different result unless it's not working. You don’t keep trying if you've already fixed it.

(I get into why the idea that this is all just to save Jayce only to die with him later seems…incorrect to me later on.)

This is where I get into a point people won't like here, but the shippers romanticize this line imo.

Because it does not state that they meet in every universe or that Jayce saves him in every universe. We have proof of this.

We also know that Mage Viktor is absolutely doing this in large part to save the world. His speech is about how life is a give and take and that imperfection and pursuit are necessary in order for life to have meaning. This isn't just about Jayce.

What the line does imply, to me, is that Jayce is the Only One with a chance to stop Viktor. And I do personally find that equally romantic. The idea that in all possibilities, Jayce is the only one to love Viktor enough to save him. That his love is the only chance Viktor sees for himself. That because Jayce loves him, he's worthy of being saved. That because Jayce loves him there is a chance that Fate can be denied.

Because the Arcane is Fate. The allusions and themes of the opening credits for both seasons play into this idea. The first season is 'written in stone' and the credits for the second season allude to plays aka the characters are 'playing their parts'

The Arcane is Fate and Viktor is Fated. Viktor is the character, even prior to s2, that has the most direct lines within the text that directly reference Fate surrounding him. The biggest reference being Singed's line "I know the look of a doomed man." Doomed literally means ill fated.

To me, Mage Viktor has been in a cosmic chess match with the Arcane (think the plot of the movie the seventh seal) to prevent the end of time (the place Jayce is sent.) Time having an end like this is a concept that exists elsewhere, see Loki and the Void.

Hextech's creation and Viktor’s ascension, and arguably the Apocalypse, also give 'fixed point' vibes; things that no matter what Will Happen. This is a concept that is apparent in Doctor Who for instance. That even with all of time appearing to be mutable, there are certain things that will always happen and you cannot prevent them.

But that is what Mage Viktor is attempting. He's trying to prevent a fixed point from happening. His main tool in his fight against Fate is Free Will.

Additional support for this is Jayce literally stating “We're meant to lose this fight.”

An interesting reflection of this idea appears in Supernatural. By all rights they should not have been able to prevent the s5 Apocalypse and yet they succeed by using Free Will to overcome Fate. There's even a line said by Lucifer as Sam when Dean is sent to the bad future (hmmm, interesting) that is a villainous reflection of Mage Viktor's line;

"No matter what choices you make, no matter what details you alter, we will always end up here. And I win, so...I win."

I think people often forget the scene in 1x5 where Viktor first bleeds on the Hexgates and the Arcane immediately takes him. Viktor did not choose that it just Happened. And, with hindsight, his expression is similar to the ones that appear on the faces of the other characters when they're tethered to the Chaos Storm. After this, Viktor runs to the lab and builds the Hexcore as if the Arcane literally put the plans for it in his head.

People have also theorized that the red haze that appears in the scenes with Viktor and the Arcane/Hexcore could be evidence that the Arcane was actively making him sicker faster in order to...enter...him.

Because let's not forget that the 2nd time his blood entered the Arcane/the Hexcore was not willing either. It was taken after he coughed up blood in a red haze. Next, we get the moment where he seems to see into the Arcane with the purple webbing and is drawn to poke the Hexcore. Then, when he uses shimmer, we see the webbing/corruption is already in his veins.

This all just goes to show that Viktor was already being evolved and controlled even prior to him 'willingly' giving anything to the Hexcore.

The next time we see the red haze is when the Hexcore essentially attacks him, controls him and shuts off his limbs. This is in retaliation to Viktor attempting to destroy it and shows that it was never in any danger from him to begin with. And, that is it sentient.

At the point where Viktor has given up on the Hexcore, events still occur via the use of Hextech that end up with him evolved against his will.

With hindsight, Viktor; the character with no real choice within the narrative, down to his disability and terminal illness being no fault of his own, stating “There is always a choice.” is dramatic Irony.

Even within the narrative we have, Viktor's evolution into the Herald is inevitable.

Because of this inevitability, because Viktor is Fated, he only achieves Free Will after his role is done. And we know he lacks pure Free Will upon waking because he Says So.

“Cold? No, I don't think so. I sense a charge, a potential. A recursive impulse. Unpleasant, but Cold isn’t its name.”

Recursive impulse suggests his mind is acting like a computer that is receiving a continuous prompt to perform a particular function. He's being pulled to do something by the Hexcore/the Arcane. Which, we can assume, is to ‘heal’ to ‘evolve’ people. When he talks about this pull, or the glorious evolution, we hear that his voice is dual layered…which implies that it's not just Viktor speaking, but the Hexcore.

(This dual layered voice also happens over the line ‘Sky’ gives at her end, “No, you won't.” Which, to me, is one of the biggest red flashing signs that she was never Sky to begin with.)

He is constantly being ordered to ‘evolve’ by the Hexcore and would only stop when everyone in the world is evolved. Which would be the point when Viktor ‘wakes up’ and realizes what he's done.

This isn't to say he's totally gone, just that he's constantly receiving stimulus that is pushing him to fulfill an action. His thought process is being altered and manipulated by the Hexcore in order for him to do what the Arcane wants.

(Sky, or ‘Skycore’ as I like to call her, is the reason Viktor needed to be shot btw. Because it pushed him into giving into the Arcane's will entirely. Meaning, direct manipulation was no longer necessary.

In the scenes with Vi and Jinx and then Singed, Viktor seems to still truly believe he is simply healing Vander. That he is helping him.

After its dual layered nature appears when saying “Glorious Evolution” for the first time, Viktor's voice returns to a single layer and he denies. It. He refuses to give into it because, as he states, Vander is a man and he will not sacrifice him for Singed's cause.

If he knew what he was doing to his followers was killing them, how this discussion resolves makes zero sense.

Which gives the impression that, possibly subconsciously, Viktor has been fighting the urge to spread. We know he's only been healing those who come to him directly. We also know that he's losing power, which is why Salo was at the Hexgates collecting gems. While it's coded as a warning, we know Sky doesn't like Viktor wasting energy on healing Vander yet he does it anyway.

Sky: You once told me all systems had their limits.

Viktor: He is worth the risk. ***

Sky is the direct presence of the Hexcore in his head manipulating him. She must be destroyed so Viktor is no longer being directly influenced and is alone when confronted with Jayce in the Astral Plane.

The only way for her presence to be removed, is if Viktor removes her. The only way he'd be allowed to do this is if the Arcane is certain it has him entirely under its sway.

This is why we're getting 2 different explanations regarding what Sky is; what she actually is and what Viktor believes her to be are two different things, but both hold significance within the text.)

Anyways.

I can think “I like ice cream, it makes me happy. I wish everyone could have ice cream to make them happy.” And suddenly I'm being possessed by the Hexcore and that thought process changes to, “Not everyone can eat ice cream without getting sick? I'm going to cure lactose intolerance so they can be happy….Oh damn, other things make people sick? I'm going to cure those too.”

And then my bestie/crush shoots me in the chest, therefore speedrunning me into thinking, “But people when left to their own devices cause pain and suffering even when I'm trying to make them happy…prehapes people should Be Ice Cream instead.”

And suddenly, the Apocalypse is an ice age because I wanted to help people while liking ice cream instead of being an inventor.

Which is why Mage Viktor would still blame himself regardless of the fact that he's just as much a victim as everyone else. The thought process still stems from his desires despite being progressively manipulated or controlled.

(I would like to say, I did call the structure of this arc for him 2 years prior to s2 and can prove it (I mean, unless you think I'd alter a tumblr post I made years after the fact 😅.) You do not go from “In the pursuit of great, we failed to do good.” as the character chooses death over hurting others to “The glorious evolution is destined.” without some sort of mind shenanigans. That's not how writing should work and they had very little time.)

So, what this all means is that Viktor is simultaneously the only character with Free Will and without it within the narrative, as two different versions of himself. He is a lynchpin in the machinations of the multiverse and only by ascending does he gain the power to prevent the Apocalypse.

Which is why he Must Ascend.

He is the self replicating - self annihilating singularity. He is an ouroboros (a topic I've wanted to research more because there are Layers and I have to wonder whether or not they're intentional (with a side note of Viktor’s powers being similar to the philosopher's stone in alchemy.))

In addition to this, we also get 2 very good reasons as to why he doesn't just pop onto the timeline and Do Stuff. The first is that puppeting people more directly would be hypocritical. He is trying to prevent the loss of Free Will. To take it from others to fight himself defeats the purpose.

He's deliberately trying to interfere as little as possible. And that interference is partly in how Hextech comes to exist.

(Let's be clear, if I give you a grenade and you throw that grenade or take that grenade apart and teach yourself how to build more grenades…I did not make you do either of those things. You could've just as easily done nothing, kept the pin in and ignored it. You could've dismantled it, never to touch it again. Especially after you are repeatedly told how dangerous it is.

If, in the end, you still chose to throw it, that is your choice.

Jayce’s choice was not taken from him. No matter how many times he's given a runestone, no matter which runestone it is, he will always pursue the creation of Hextech.)

The other is what I refer to as the assimilation theory. A theory that no one but me ever seems to talk about 😅.

Ekko and Heimerdinger land on a different timeline and immediately take over the bodies of their alternate selves.

Mage Viktor enters the timeline and this, apparently, doesn't happen.

However, there's a few possibilities as to why that is. One could be that he is simply powerful enough to stave this off. Or that his actions are so part and parcel to the machinations of Fate that he can perform this action and leave the timeline without entering into himself as a child.

And that is the basis of the second option. That he's a child and the disparity between Mage Viktor and Child Viktor with regards to age, physicality and power level is so large that they are too incompatible for the assimilation to occur.

Perhaps when he would be the most useful is the moment his appearing on the timeline would be the least helpful. Because Mage Viktor being assimilated into The Herald helps no one. Like a drug addict who got clean, he'd be entering a form still connected to the Hexcore…but as someone with much more power and knowledge at his disposal. This most likely is not going to end well for anyone 🤣.

However, following my lines of thought, with the idea that the Void world is a fixed point, every Viktor is eventually assimilated into Mage Viktor when they reach the end of time, a ‘fixed point’.

This would explain how Mage Viktor has all of his knowledge and knows the variables that have and have not yet occurred despite only momentarily appearing on a given timeline. Just as Ekko began to take on some of the memories of Alt Ekko, Mage Viktor is essentially OmniViktor. He is all the failed versions of himself from all the failed timelines.

Again, self replicating - self annihilating.

With regards to the AU, an argument I will forever state to be illogical is the idea that Viktor is already dead.

If the time span of these timelines match up, there's literally no reason at all that he would be. He's dying, sure, but not dead. Most likely, considering he's not actively working himself into the ground on Hextech... he's probably got a bit longer by that point than main tl Viktor had. If you subscribe to the idea that the Arcane was making him sicker? Even more reason to believe he's fine.

Additionally, I think a lot about the fate of the alternate timeline (the idea that it's this perfect safe haven) is based on assuming Mage Viktor is a liar...which doesn't make any sense. We have no textual basis for it and are not given enough time or reason to believe he isn't telling the truth.

What we do know is that Mage Viktor went to the AU, because Jayce had the crystals, which means he was given a runestone, and that Powder ends the episode with motive and means to recreate Hextech.

(Funny how her Hextech knowledge is still based in Jayvik's work. It's their concepts that are brought to the AU through Heimer and Ekko.)

"Why didn't Heimerdinger find Viktor if he was alive in the AU?" idk why did Heimerdinger hear of Viktor dying and basically give him a sucks to be you speech? Why did Heimerdinger wait to approach Jayce while he was alone to offer him the Progress Day Speech? Why did Heimerdinger never tell the other councilors off for their open xenophobia while Viktor was literally in the room?

Let's also not ignore that Heimerdinger is the one who attempted to deny Viktor a potentially life saving cure. And Jayce hated him for it. Whether or not he was right to do so is unimportant to the emotions involved.

Hell, even the line he gives about failing a past pupil is suggested to be about Jayce not Viktor.

I'm certainly open to the belief that Heimerdinger never brings up Viktor because he simply forgot about him. Or, a kinder view, he's ashamed of how he treated him. Because he should be. Because he goes through an arc where he's faced with the consequences of his negligence and, with hindsight, Viktor epitomizes the suffering his closed minded ignorance caused.

Perhaps, Heimerdinger doesn't want to give the Viktor of that timeline false hope…which is what Hextech would be to him.

As for Jayce, we appear to have 3 options; dead, imprisoned or exiled. Or…the secret options; that Viktor stole the notebook, followed him and they left together or Viktor stole the notebook and began working on Hextech alone and out of the public's eye and knowledge.

Because, the Viktor of that timeline would not have the cause that our Viktor does. Zaun appears to be safe, content. Suffering appears to be limited to non-existent. It is possible he would view the prospect of Hextech to be too valuable to lose even with the death of a child. That he could view that child's death as an unfortunate accident.

Because his lived experience would be different, just as Jayce’s would've been.

To be so hair trigger in assuming they're both dead is just absurd to me and, again, only works on the assumption that you think Mage Viktor is a liar.

And even if Alt Jayce is dead, that doesn't mean Viktor does not ascend. It simply means there's no one there that can stop him.

Powder could even get stuck and need help to complete her time machine, which could have her stumbling upon Viktor and the cycle begins anew that way.

Aka, the AU is doomed af.

In the end, all this could make you believe that I don’t view Jayvik as soulmates. This would be false. To me, their soulmatism is literally stronger than Fate itself.

Because based on my research, even by LoL lore standards, the Arcane seems to find individuals to use to create hiveminds and cause destruction. It seems to want to end the world when it's awake. And, 99 times out of 100 it succeeds through Viktor. Which is why it's always choosing him.

But Viktor wants life to continue, he wants to create the 1 impossible timeline that moves beyond the end so that life can continue. And he achieves that through Jayce's love.

I don't think we lose something if the concept isn't that Viktor is Oriana-ing Jayce’s fated demise simply to die with him later. That this was all just about power and total selfishness so Viktor gets to have Jayce, the world be damned.

Hell, we know our Viktor, at the end, doesn't want that. He doesn't want Jayce to die.

When viewed through this lens, what we gain is a man holding onto hope for a better future for everyone because he is loved.

*** Didn't want to stick in another awkward ramble, as most of these awkward rambles exist as clarification or to head off potential counter arguments.

You might be curious as to why Viktor was so hellbent to heal Vander. Why he was ok dying to do it. And why it's further proof that he was blind to the damage he was causing.

Well, he tells us. He saw into Vander's mind. He saw Vander's dream for Zaun and thought it beautiful.

Viktor woke up stating that he was supposed to die. Even as Apex Hextech, he was still dying. If he could've healed Vander, he could die knowing Zaun would be safe.

Viktor, to his core, is Good and it hurts me that there are people out there that refuse to see it.

**** Would like to make an additional note regarding the ontological paradox and how the Arcane is magic not science and how Mage Viktor, as someone who exists beyond and outside of time as a magical ascended being who has a seeming mastery over time, is not governed by the same hard and fast rules of time travel as people would have you believe because, to quote Doctor Who;

"People assume that time is a strict progression from cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff.”

But that is another can of worms and I am at work and this is thousands of words already.

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ankhegs-in-my-salad · 11 months ago

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I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, but I felt like I needed to get it off my chest.

My wonderful friend @tavyliasin made a lovely addition to this post about how important giving your friends positive feedback can be to people, specifically former gifted kids, and I wanted to chime in with my own addition but it got super long and wasn't even the original point of the post lmao so here I am.

Anyway, we got some awesome insight about how leaving your lovely feedback is especially beneficial to former gifted kids in the previous post. Under the cut - me rambling about why positive feedback means so much to me, the Chronically Mediocre Kid.

Growing up, I was always painfully mid. I worked my absolute ass off to get my passing grades, and I got them for the most part. I wasn't good enough to be told I was doing well and I wasn't bad enough to actually get any help. Got into uni by the skin of my teeth and my degree the same way. I was stuck in middle-of-the-road land and pretty much always have been, with the exception of one notable outlier in my late 20's.

Now, as the name would suggest, us Mediocre Kids are very easy to forget about. We're just kinda there, and there's a lot of us. The NPCs or the studio extras, filling out space in the background of the class.

So how does this tie into writing or art or fandom in general?

For myself, and probably a lot of other people like me, writing in fandom has been the first real time to get that positive validation beyond "congrats you passed! You achieved the bare minimum!" I didn't get it at school (the place where, upon telling my chemistry teacher that I wanted to study chemistry at uni, was told verbatim "but you have to be smart to study chemistry") and it certainly wasn't at uni (where I had to resit a year and where the defence of my dissertation started with the words "the first thing we hated about it was[...]").

God, looking back I wish I had started posting fan fic so much earlier. Yes, comments are few and far between but when you get them? Oh my god.

Now I want to preface this by saying - Yes, I know that "you shouldn't write for validation" and I absolutely don't. I've been writing since I could hold a pen and only started posting stuff for actual humans to read in October. Does my background sound like that of someone who expected to get validation from strangers online? You can bet your arse that isn't why I'm here. It was just an absolutely massive unexpected bonus.

Fan fiction sent me from "congrats on the bare minimum" to someone telling me my silly AO3 story was their favourite thing they'd ever read on that whole website.

Do you have any idea what that does to someone who has spent their whole life being "good enough"? "Fine"? "Passed"? I was never good or bad enough to receive attention. My performance always "unnoteworthy". And that was fine, I always told myself. Because, as mentioned above, I've always been doing stuff for me and me alone. I learned early there wasn't any point in doing it for anyone else. Do you know how it felt to have a complete stranger reach out to me through the Internet and tell me that something that I had done, something that I had created, had a profound effect upon them?

Folks, I fucking cried.

For someone like me, every single comment, kudos, tag, all of it, is incredibly special. Even a comment as simple as an emoji or "loved this". It puts a little piece into a void in me that I didn't even know was there. It makes me feel as though maybe, if I can make one person happy with my writing, bring someone that kind of joy, there is more to me than just "passing grade".

And let me tell you, I'm still not used to it. It's one of the most wonderful feelings. And if you feel it too, don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for "seeking validation" or whatever. We know that's not why we're here, but my goodness if it doesn't make a difference when we get it.

So, to anyone who has ever given kudos, made a comment, left a tag on a post, any of it - thank you. It means more than I think a lot of people could ever know.

#Fan fiction #Personal #Idk why I wrote this but I cried doing so lol #I probably phrased this badly and missed a bunch of stuff but oh well #I just felt like I had to get it off my chest #Scream it into the void #Thanks void <3 #Posted intentionally this time lmao

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thatinsufferablenerd · 8 months ago

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Post Spooky Update

The weather is slowly cooling off here finally. Spooky Season is over and another year has gone by without reading any scary books or movies like I say I’m gonna do every year. I’ve been enjoying all the festive content in my different social media feeds instead. Horror book recs from BookTube, video essays that analyze aspects of the horror genre, discussions of films or anime that set the mood. I probably should be more embarrassed of how much YouTube I watch, but seeing as I’m a housewife with a passion for learning and too many interests to succinctly sum up, I’m not going to lose too much sleep over it.

I wish I did have some mood appropriate reads to tell you about. I love books, I love storytelling, I love getting lost in a good book, but my ability to actually get into–let alone through–books has atrophied so much I’ve concluded it’s a Me ProblemTM. When I was young, in elementary and middle school, I could read a book a day. I DID for a long time, exchanging the one I just finished for something new during lunch. And then I got older. I got into movies and writing, I had a job, then I had longer hours, then I had kids that I stayed home with. The library was too far to walk to, we didn’t have money to buy books, and I was too tired to read them anyway. It was easier to focus on honing my craft of writing because it was simpler to hit the backspace button when a toddler smacked my keyboard than risk a library book.

And I regret that. The act of consuming story and pure, distilled joy I get from them is a core part of who I am. If I didn’t love reading, I would never have developed a love for writing. If I didn’t love the stories and characters I read in books, I would never have discovered the love I have for analyzing and discussing them. I would never have learned about the relationship between literature and culture, that I love learning about historical context, the art of interpretation, or linguistics, things like that. Ever since I stopped reading piles of books or trade paperbacks of comics from the library, I’ve said to myself every few months “I miss reading”, “I want to get back into reading”.

It’s not like I haven’t read anything since I was nineteen. Of course I have. I read all five books in the A Song of Ice and Fire series in the span of a year. I read monthly releases of DC comics for years, picked up pulpy romance novels ‘just as a palate cleanser!’, I tried starting book clubs with friends, promises of ‘I won’t buy or borrow any books until I read the ones I have’. And then I’d get through a few chapters of whatever I picked up only to put it down for the last time. I’ve made some progress! I read A Song of Achilles and Circe by Madelline Miller, Skyward by Brandon Sanderson, I accidentally read the sequel to Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter? In the last year. And I’ve gotten further in a lot of the books I’ve picked up than before. I’ve been reading manga more than anything the last few years. My Hero Academia, Spy x Family, My Dress-up Darling, Dungeon Meshi, Demon Slayer, One Piece, all stories I’ve enjoyed and have a lot to say about! I re-read the last six volumes of Demon Slayer a few weeks ago and wrote an entire comment section dissertation about it, the latest installment in a series that serves as the quiet void I shout into.

The first step for me was probably accepting that I’m never going to be able to read like I did in middle school. That’s okay, right? I might not have a JOB, but I am a grown-up with grown-up things to do. And it’s not like I’ve been sitting on my ass the whole time. I’ve learned so much, like how to actually form opinions, how to interpret text, how to analyze properly, how to do research, how to really write, among so many other things. Things I had to teach myself. I know, they say ‘the best writers are also prolific readers’. I believe that, I really do. I would never claim that I’m some genius writer and better than people who have gone to school for this or are so well-read that it improves their prose by default. What I am saying is that…I want to get there. I miss reading.

So, I set a small goal for myself. There are so many books out there that I want to read. And sure, my little local library has a limited catalog, and Libby has at least two weeks’ waits on everything, and I can’t afford to buy books brand new, but we can only work with what we have, not what we don’t. I’ve decided to read one contemporary book, one classic, and one (ish) manga a month. Sure, there are going to be some blurred lines here, but I think we’re all mature enough to handle that. I’m going to define ‘classics’ as anything more than a century old. Slaughterhouse Five is newer than that but it is taught as a classic and on my TBR, so maybe it will count as a classic for that month. Who knows? We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. And if the manga is long, say, more than three hundred chapters, then I might split it into two months.

With that being said, my picks for November are: A Hero of France by Alan Furst, Tolkien’s translation of Beowulf, and for the manga, Bleach.

My local library had a book sale recently. I bought a hundred and thirty books for eighty-five dollars in two trips. Not all of them are novels! I’m very proud of the memoirs and other non-fiction books I got. But that should keep me occupied for a good while yet. Not to mention the books I already have. That Furst novel is one of the ones I picked up last year at the book sale. It’s historical fiction about an agent in the French Resistance. I like historical fiction, I think it’s a versatile genre for both readers and writers. I read about half of a book called Lion’s Blood that was alternate US History last year that I’m gonna have to go back to because I STILL think about it. Anyway, that Furst novel. I’m about halfway through and I’m going to finish it. I’m invested enough to see it through, and I’m enjoying the experience. When I finish it and have had some time to collect my thoughts, you’ll be hearing them.

While at that book sale, my almost nine-year-old became infatuated with a book. He liked the cover and title so much that he wanted me to buy it for him. I told him, “Buddy, this book would be a tough read for a grown-up.” He said he would figure it out, that he would ask for help when he needed it. The book was a dollar, so I bought it. I can’t say I’ve ever read Clive Cussler, but if I can help him understand it, I can be persuaded to read dry historical fiction. I know enough about WWII to explain what’s going on to him. It’s not on my list to get done by the end of November, but it is a high priority read.

I picked Beowulf (and this translation) specifically because A) I know how influential Beowulf is on western storytelling, B) I’m a fan of Tolkien as a writer as well as his love of and gift for languages, C) I watched Monstrum’s episode on Grendel’s Mother and the Cardinal West YouTube documentary on Tolkien in the last few months, both of which I enjoyed a lot, and finally D) I’m a fan of Dr. Chase from The Best of Fantasy. My friend was kind enough to surprise me with a shiny new copy. It’s probably going to be a difficult read for me. I plan on taking notes and going slow to really digest it. I’m also trying to talk my mom into a buddy read, but we’ll see how the cookie actually crumbles with that one.

Now, for how I landed on Bleach. I watched the entirety of Naruto and Shippuden (yes, even the filler) back in 2020, 2021, and then binged One Piece in 2023 into the early part of this year. So, of course, the insufferable nerd in me said ‘I want to be able to say I’ve seen the Big Three’. So I watched the anime. I wasn’t that impressed with it. Yes, certain characters stayed in my brain, yes I LOVE the Thousand Year Blood War (I’m currently behind), but it didn’t really hit me like Naruto and One Piece did. I thought the passion of the fandom might get me more into it. I tried art, lore videos, discussion, analysis, and that did help! But Bleach just…kinda fell by the wayside for me. A lot of fans say the anime isn’t as good as the manga, but it’s a long series. I didn’t have the time or energy to commit, especially when I had other series I was actually into to follow. I do follow One Piece, Spy x Family, and My Dress-up Darling on release. I followed MHA for more than three years week to week, only binging the last hundred or so chapters last month after its conclusion.

And then AJ dropped his video titled ‘The Hollow Melancholy of Bleach’. It brings up some of the feelings I had watching the Fullbringer Arc and the Thousand Year Blood War and expresses something the anime just…didn’t capture for me. But that video and Geoff Thew from Mother’s Basement’s video on Bleach finally sold me. It took me a couple weeks, according to the notes I’ve been taking I started on October fourteenth.

The manga is fantastic. I tried for thirty chapters a day and haven’t been as consistent as I’d like, but I’m in the two-sixties now. The art is beautiful, the character writing is great, the fights are intense, the vibes immaculate and the emotions are SO deep, so complex and resonant. I am so glad I jumped in, and I’m going to continue to take notes as I go.

Reading isn’t the only thing I do, obviously. My first love will always be writing. I took a bit of a break cough-BookTube-cough, but picking it back up is always a joy. I’ll probably be spending some time in front of my white board in the near future working out some world building details that were not super relevant till now. I watched Jake over at Nerd Level Rising talk to Christopher Ruocchio and was sent into a PANIC over idiolects and regional dialect features, which I’ve been doing all along, just not enough? I guess? I looked everything over and did some light edits, took some notes to make things more consistent. Culture is a complex web, all interconnected and inseparable from the individual parts. Building them is hard work, a job that never seems to end, even if the document of notes is for me, not the hypothetical reader.

You could say that I was too heavily influenced by long form stories with extended casts, because even though I’m closing in on a hundred and seventy thousand words, I’m in part two of…five? Maybe? In epic fantasy, there are so many moving parts to keep track of at any given moment aside from the nuts and bolts of prose and pacing. I worry all the time that everything I have is trash, and even if it isn’t, it would never get picked up by a trad publisher and I won’t be able to afford self-publishing. I’ve had some other sets of eyes on my prologue as alpha readers. Positive, encouraging feedback that I’m grateful for! It’s not the same thing as having someone who’s familiar with the story, who knows where my head is at, where I’m going. I don’t write to publish, I do it because I love it. But I’ve been writing for twenty years, and actively working to get better at it for fifteen of them. There’s just nothing to show for it. Everything I’ve finished has ended up in an old computer’s recycle bin or in a literal paper shredder, with abandoned works in progress along the way. As terrifying as it is to expose yourself to the light, it’s impossible to soak in the warmth of sunlight in the dark.

I’m going back to the grindstone when I’m done here. I won’t give up.

Other than all the YouTube distractions and trying to rightfully earn the title of bibliophile, I’ve been trying to watch shows again. Just a few things. I watched Kaguya-sama: Love is War and loved it, enough to put the manga on my TBR. I finally got around to watching Frieren: Beyond Journey’s End with the same result. I watched Dungeon Meshi twice, read the manga front to back. What a story! I’ve been meaning to write an essay on it, but I can’t imagine having anything to say that hasn’t already been said. I watched Mob Psycho 100 and can’t express enough how much it resonated with me. For the first time, I watched Over the Garden Wall. The kerfluffle on Twitter over it being removed and restored to Hulu recently had me digging that up. Quality Culture did a great essay on that series last year which I highly recommend. My friends have been obsessed with the new Interview With the Vampire series, enough to read the books, so I watched three episodes of season one and liked it a lot. I’ll get around to it. I watched Steven Universe: Future, which I’ve been wanting to for a while. We watched the main series with our kids and enjoyed it, and I thought the sequel series built on the themes and story well.

And like everyone else in the anime community right now, I’m watching Dandadan. It’s GREAT. The animation, the sound design and OST, the character writing, the action, all of it is just stunning. It’s funny and got a lot of heart to it. Momo and Okarun are so cute. I haven’t watched the new set of episodes in the Thousand Year Blood War yet, but I’ll catch up in the next week or so. I’ve been impressed with this adaptation, especially with the old series not really pulling me in until its final episodes. Not only is it visually enrapturing, it really hits on the atmosphere and emotions; not just in service to the story but truly elevates the material.

With all the things I take in, it’s probably no surprise that there’s no less than five trains of thought going on at any given time. That video Tale Foundry did last week about Weird Tales and pulp fantasy, and this comment arguing that the fanfic community has stepped in to fill that niche? Yeah, I’m still thinking about it. Zoe Bee’s most recent drop about how metaphor influences the way we think and how that relates to politics? Of course I’m thinking about it! Not just about how it affects rhetoric but how it affects diction in prose, which is more my wheelhouse. Princess Weekes’ follow up to her ‘Tall, Dark and Racially Ambiguous’ essay surrounding casting Heathcliff gave me food for thought, and Jess of the Shire’s fantastic essay ‘Monstrosity & the Vampire’ did too. Tim over at Hello Future Me did a video about ‘Arcology: The City in the Image of Man’ and I’m still chewing on that one too. How could I not? The ideas presented there are FASCINATING, big picture questions about structuring society and the growing subgenre of solarpunk. Broey Deschanel and Final Girl Studios both doing amazing videos on The Substance? Of course I’m over here thinking about them! Final Girl Studios’ essay is called ‘The Simulacrum of Feminine Performance’, how could I not sit here and think about that, and what that is, and what that means?? And on top of all that, I opted into a DnD one shot in a couple weeks! Gonna need a character for that, one that’s PG…man, I’ve been busy!

#spilled thoughts #small talk #digital diary #book tumblr #booklr #writeblr

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