#do you know how damaging that is to a black person’s self esteem

[weirdo09]

i don’t think y’all understand what it’s really like being of african diaspora descent

[sarucane]

How did Stede know that Ed wanted to "watch the world burn"?

This one is fun because it's such a smooth and well-written character development that it's actually really easy to miss what a big shift happens for Stede in the first three episodes of S2. But in E1, Stede is saying this about Ed

and in less than an hour of screentime, he's mostly caught up with what's actually been happening to Ed.

So how'd Stede figure that out? Get to know Ed better, despite being separate from him?

By letting go of ego.

Stede's decision to bail on Ed in S1E10 is driven by selfish low self-esteem. He thinks he doesn't matter to Ed, that he's brought Ed to ruin and Ed will be better off without him. And that's actually held back his emotional investment in the relationship: Stede clearly misses Ed, but he's not devastated over the breakup to the same degree that Ed is.

But by the end of S1E10, Stede's gotten to understand himself better, and his relationship to other people. But he's also gone from not understanding that he's in love to idealizing the relationship between him and Ed, telling people they're "on a break." At the beginning of S2, he's projecting his own insecurities onto Ed, while at the same time trying to believe in a torrid love story starring himself (idealized) and an idealized version of Ed. An Ed who's still got Blackbeard's black beard.

These ideas are rooted in the same conviction that made Stede leave in the first place: he doesn't understand that he's important to Ed, so he can't absorb the fact that what he did was immensely hurtful.

In the second episode, Lucius forces him to really deal with the things he's been denying. He tells Stede "you broke him." And he does the thing that Stede just wasn't managing to do: he gets Stede to think about what's been happening from Ed's perspective, without Stede's insecurities blocking his imagination. To think about just how badly Stede hurt Ed. And to think about what pain and loss like that might mean for someone as damaged as Ed: hopelessness.

Far from Ed's life being "better without me," Stede has to face the idea that Ed might think his life will never get better again. That while Stede has been holding out hope for a reunion, Ed may have given up on both Stede and himself.

That means it's all on Stede, to hope and to act. And he rises to the challenege.

Stede doesn't hesitate when he thinks Ed is in trouble. And he doesn't doubt that Ed needs him, shouting "I'm here!" as soon as he sees the Revenge. He faces what he finds on the ship, and sets about fixing what can be fixed, pulling the knives out of the walls.

He doesn't quite know how bad it's gotten. That Ed couldn't hold onto the ideal-pirate dramatic "watch the world burn" drive. That Ed hit a point of actual cruelty and suicidal despair.

But Stede knows Ed enough to be able to absorb that information when he gets it. To face and accept the reality of the darkness inside the man he loves.

And then to embrace his own role in keeping that darkness from consuming Ed. In the first episode, Stede was putting off looking for Blackbeard because he thought he'd make Ed's life worse. In the third, Stede tells Ed he can come back to life because he's safe now that Stede's here.

And then Stede, again, embraces some selfishness. Asks Ed to come back to him. But this time, it's not the kind of unhealthy selfishness that makes someone obsess over what they mean to others. It's the kind of selfishness that makes people hope life might get better again. Lets people choose relationships they want, and exist in them consciously. Makes someone a strong enough person that they can give, and receive.

[melswifeasf]

Find my way back to you pt 5

previous chapter || next chapter || series page

Pairing: Samantha Carpenter x Fem!OC

Summary: Estelles past is darker than anyone truly knew. except for one person; Sam Carpenter.

Warnings: angst, description of physical and emotional abuse.

notes: do you guys have anything you’d like to see in this series?

(word count: 6829)

eight years ago

football friday’s were always the best of the fall. everyone including Elias went to watch it. although Elias only went because his sister did and it would be the time in which he sold the most. the first friday into November was no different, Estelle was in a tight black shirt and blue jeans with her hair down as she stood in the parking lot with her girlfriend.

they were arguing. again. it was stupid really, Estelle had been talking with one of Elias clients, the guy had asked for her number but she kindly rejected him. he took it well, smiled and apologized before he walked away. no harm done.

and yet Valerie wasn’t having it and she wasn’t listening to reason. after the whole thing at the party, Valerie had been up her ass about everyone she even looked in the direction of.

“he just asked for my number and i said no!” Estelle repeated for what felt like the hundredth time in the last hour.

Valerie scoffed, “i don’t give a fuck!” she yelled, “you’re always slutting yourself out to the first person you see!”

Estelle felt a twinge of pain in her chest at her words but she covered any trace of that as she tightened her jaw, “fuck you. i’ve been nothing but loyal to you! i told Sam to fuck off after that night and she has! what more do you want?!” the girl said desperately as she threw her hands up.

Valerie took a step closer until she was up in her face, “i want you to close your legs for one god damn minute and treat me like i deserve! you’re fucking pathetic” she said lowly, emphasizing each word with a slight pause.

Estelle’s eyes began to water, no longer able to hold back her pain, “i’ve been nothing but good to you, every time you call i’m there, when you need someone to vent to, i’m there. when you’re horny in the middle of the night and want me to warm your bed, im there so don’t you dare say that i’m not because you know that i am!” Estelle responded her voice growing in volume the more she spoke.

the taller girl shook her head, “the only thing you’re worth is a good fuck. if it weren’t for that i would’ve left your sorry ass a long time ago. don’t you think i get tired of having to be around someone as damaged as you? always crying about how your daddy left? it’s fucking exhausting being around you!” Valerie yelled, the veins on her neck popping out as she threw her hands up angrily.

Estelle chocked back a sob. “fuck you. i’m tired of you too, tired of your constant jealousy, of your shitty self esteem issues and how everything is always about you! i’m tired of you too!” a loud slap echoed throughout the parking lot as Estelle’s hand immediately cupped her face.

she was shocked, her eyes wide as the warm burning sensation was starting to build, both of her hands were shaky and she knew there would be a bruise left by how hard it hit and the ring Estelle knee Valerie always wore on her middle finger.

she didn’t get a chance to say or do anything as her wrists were being gripped tightly in a pair of strong hands, the marks that had already been left behind making it more painful.

Valerie had never been one to refrain herself from yelling, screaming, punching anything near her or simply gripping Estelle’s body tightly in order to show who’s in charge but she had never smacked her. ever.

this was the last straw and Estelle wouldn’t be forgiving her for this one.

“don’t you ever talk to me like that!” Valerie yelled an angry color overtaking her face.

Estelle couldn’t hold back her cries as she winced in pain. before either of them could say anything else a loud voice got both of their attention making them both turn toward it.

“hey! hey!” they heard a familiar voice approach them, “get your fucking hands off of her!” Sam said as she shoved Valerie off of the shorter girl.

Estelle wiped away her tears quickly and began to fix her hair so it was covering the mark that had surely already began to form.

Valerie scoffed, “of course you’re here”

Sam stood extremely close to her, one hand reaching behind her to hold Estelle back. she was standing straight, her lip twitching in anger as she starred the girl down. the two girls were practically the same height but Sam was making it so she looked taller and more intimidating.

“you better walk away before i call the cops” Sam threatened.

Valerie chuckled, “and say what? that you saw me and my girlfriend arguing? seriously, Sam. no one would give a fuck” she said amused.

“i think they’ll be interested in the bruise you gave her? or maybe i should get Elias instead?”

the smirk that was once on Valerie’s lips quickly faded at her words. the color on her face draining in an instant, her posture softening with it. she glanced back at Estelle seeing her desperately wiping away her tears as her body shook.

“whatever” she rolled her eyes and walked up to her car. she opened the door, got inside and slammed it behind her. the engine roared to life and the car screeched against the road as it drove away.

a sigh of relief escaped Sams lips once they were alone. she turned toward Estelle immediately, her hand gently touching Estelle’s arm as she held her hand against her cheek.

“are you okay?” Sam asked softly as she took a step closer.

Estelle shook her head, “i’m fine” she answered curtly. “i need to go” she said and moved her hand away from Sam’s touch.

the Carpenter girl frowned at that, “Estelle..”

“no” Estelle shook her head, “please just leave me alone, Sam.” she said and quickly walked away.

“fuck” Sam muttered as she ran a hand through her hair in frustration

Estelle had tears in her eyes as she walked to her car. she didn’t mean to be such a bitch to Sam but she couldn’t deal with it all. she had enough with her now ex girlfriend and had to find a way to hide the mark she had left from Elias otherwise he’d kill her. literally.

present

the young cop approached her ex and her new boyfriend, she had on her bomber jacket with the word ‘deputy’ on the back. she had recently talked to the cop on duty to watch Tara’s room, by now the girl was on an empty floor so they could keep better track of her. initially she wanted to be the one in charge of the room or to at least help but she had another plan.

she had seen enough stab movies to know exactly what they needed to survive this. reinforcements. Gale Weathers was out of the picture just like Sidney Prescott so she only had one person left.

as soon as her steps could be heard Sam looked away from her boyfriend and at her ex girlfriend, slightly confused. she quickly wiped at her tears. “Estelle? what’s going on? is Tara okay?” she quickly asked glancing behind Estelle to see if she had brought anyone else with her to clue her in on why she was there.

she knew Estelle like the back of her hand, even if the Estelle in front of her now was slightly different then the back talking, law breaker she had met eight years ago, she could still see the old her in a sense. her eyebrow still twitched in anger, she was still fidgety as ever, she still walked as if she owned the place and she was still as beautiful as ever.

Estelle shook her head, “everything’s fine. i was thinking and i have a plan” she said, immediately getting both of their attention.

“what is it?” Sam asked quickly.

the short girl glanced at the boyfriend, she really wanted to tell him he wasn’t a part of this but Sam could say the same about her.

“do you know Dewey?” she asked not sparing the boy another glance to make it clear her words were only directed at Sam.

“the cop from the stab movies?” Richie asked. Estelle still didn’t look at him, ignoring his idiotic question. why was he even here? it’s not like he knew Tara and she knew Sam and him had only been dating for a couple of months so it didn’t click on why he would be willing to stay in danger just to keep Sam company. he had no part in this.

“yeah” Sam nodded, “do you think he’d help?”

Estelle sighed as she shrugged softly, “i used to work with him but he got laid off a couple of months ago. he was a nice guy but i’m not sure how willing he’ll be to be a part of this all over again. but there’s only one way to find out” she said slightly hopeful.

Sam nodded in understanding, “we’ll take my car” she said holding up her keys earning an amused chuckle from Estelle.

“absolutely not. i’m the law here, we’re taking the patrol car. let’s go” she said leaving no room for argument as she began walking toward the elevator.

Richie glanced at his girlfriend with a look of dread, he did not want Estelle to be a part of it but Sam ignored him as she began to follow her ex.

the ride down the elevator was awkward. Richie had his arm wrapped around Sam as he stared at Estelle who was too busy looking at the elevator doors, waiting for them to open. she had a faint smirk on her lips, she knew what he was trying to do but it wasn’t working. in all the time she’s seen the couple Sam hadn’t touched him once, not even to hold his hand or at least she tried to not do it in front of her. when they were together Sam couldn’t keep her hands to herself for even a second. maybe things were different, they were older and the situation they were in isn’t exactly easy but Estelle knew Sam and she was the most possessive person she’d ever known. she always liked that about her.

the elevator doors dinged open revealing a slightly crowded waiting room, she didn’t talk as she reached for her glasses and put them on. it was sunny and warm out, the complete opposite of what it felt like inside the hospital. she hadn’t seen the sun since the day before, the only time she went home was to take a quick shower and that was in the middle of the night where the hospital was less busy so the guard protecting Tara could keep a closer eye on her.

once they walked outside she led them to the patrol car and got inside. Sam followed into the passenger seat whilst Richie got in the back.

“wow. i’m in the back of a cop car” Richie said with a slight chuckle earning an eye roll from Estelle as she chewed her gum louder.

“seatbelts” she said simply as she put her own belt on and put the car in drive.

Estelle didn’t have the radio playing, she was listening to the dispatch to make sure there weren’t any other attacks. the air was uncomfortable and all of them could feel it. even Richie who tried to make conversation but Estelle completely ignored him.

it was Sam who got a word out of Estelle. like always.

“Tara said you were the first one at the house when she was attacked” Sam said glancing at the young girl. “you had a security system in place? i didn’t know you guys were close”

Estelle chuckled, she wasn’t accusing her but it almost felt like she was.

“yeah well, when Elias died she was the only one there for me” she shrugged. that wasn’t completely true, Alex and Xavier had been present for the funeral and even helped her financially for a couple of months but it was different. they were Elias friends, not hers and even though they always took on the older protective brother role just like Elias, they held that sentiment for her because of him. things just weren’t the same when he died and they all slowly lost contact once she decided to be part of the police force.

Sam cleared her throat timidly, “i’m sorry Estelle. i meant to call but-”

the girl held her hand up, “don’t. it’s fine. i get it” i wasn’t important enough, that’s what she wanted to say but she refrained herself from doing so. getting mad at Sam now was useless, she can’t get mad at someone for not loving her as much as she did, for not caring enough. how could she?

Sam didn’t have anything to say either, nothing that could make up for the pain she caused and nothing that could bring him back so she didn’t. it would be useless to do so.

“there was an incident a year ago, someone tried breaking in so i was the one who had the security system in place. i’m the emergency contact” she continued still trying to explain why she was the first person Tara contacted. Sam deserved some kind of explanation, Tara was her sister after all.

“oh” Sam said softly as she glanced at Estelle. “thanks for.. taking care of her” she continued with a slight nod.

Estelle shrugged, “she’s my family, it’s what i do”

if only Estelle knew the weight those words carried in Sams heart.

eight years ago

quiet. complete and utter silence. for two weeks it had been radio silent in the Garcias home. the young girl was wrapped in a blanket in her room, the curtains in her room shut with only a peak of sunlight shining inside.

she hadn’t been two school in that amount of time, barely had a proper meal. she’d already eaten all the fast microwavable meals so she stuck with snacks like granola bars or cereal. it’s not like she had much of an appetite anyway.

she felt empty, nothing but the complete and utter darkness consuming her whole. she was alone. Elias had been arrested two weeks ago which like the domino affect, caused more things to follow. she could feel the pain of that affect still linger on her face and body. she still had a black eye, her lip was cut and there was a huge bruise on her cheek. she hadn’t been able to look at herself in the mirror in a week, every time she did she’d end up crying for hours on end. but she didn’t have to look in the mirror to know she still had a huge bruise on her ribs, it was a dark purple the last time she saw it and it hurt as much as the first day.

Sam hadn’t talked to Estelle since the day she stopped the fight between her and Valerie. she expected that much but what did surprise her was the fact that she had disappeared a week later. no one had heard from her. she knew Elias went to jail after being caught with drugs but she knew he’d never let Estelle go down for it. she had no idea where Estelle was and it was nerve wracking.

so she did the only thing she could think of. she went to school like usual to see if she’d show up Monday but she didn’t so Sam got into her car and drove to her home. she’d been there multiple times whether it was for one of Elias parties or to buy drugs.

Sam had knocked on the door but there was no answer. even rang the doorbell a couple times but there was still no answer. both Estelle and Elias car were parked in the driveway so she knew Estelle had to be home. the tall girl sighed impatiently as she stepped away from the front door and walked to the huge window. it was covered so there was no way for her to see inside and she’s sure one of the neighbors are gonna call the cops considering she looked like she was about to break into the home.

so she went around the back expecting to maybe find the back door open but it was locked. fuck.

Sam defeatedly began to walk back to her car, there was no way inside and Estelle wasn’t answering the door. it’s not like she had her number to text or call her. as she was walking she realized that Estelle’s room was on that side of the house, she had seen her curtains open and her inside the room the last time she went to pick up her usual stuff from Elias. she stopped where she was and glanced up at the window, it was closed and the curtains were closed. there was a tree right beside it, she could possibly climb it but there was no guarantee Estelle would let her in.

the girl wiped her hands off on her pants and began to climb. it was hard to get a grip at first, it’s not like she had any experience climbing trees and her foot kept slipping. eventually she was on the closest branch, she held onto it with one hand and reached for the window with the other. her hand closed into a fist and she knocked. no response. she knocked one, twice and finally at the third knock the curtains were pulled apart roughly to reveal an irritated Estelle.

Sams lips let out a small gasp at the sight of her beaten down state. Estelle’s eye was swollen to the point in which it was slightly closed, it was purple and bruised as well as her cheek. she could see Estelle holding her stomach with one hand making her question if she was injured there too. what the hell happened?

the window abruptly opened and Estelle spoke with an annoyed voice, “what do you want?”

Sams mouth opened and closed for a second, she was speechless. what could she say? she knew if she asked what happened Estelle wouldn’t tell her. she’d learned her lesson the time they talked in the bathroom. but she needed to know, god, she had to. what if she needed help? what if Estelle was in danger? had Valerie done it?

“i-i.. you haven’t been at school. i came to check in on you” Sam finally said. she couldn’t bring up the bruises. not yet.

Estelle rolled her eyes. “im fine. you can go now” she said and stepped away from the window. the young girl expected Sam to take the hint and leave but instead the older girl climbed through it and stepped into the bedroom.

“im serious, Estelle. i’m worried about you.. i mean- look at you” Sam finally said not able to bite her tongue about this. maybe the decision to not ask about the bruises lasted two seconds but she couldn’t stop herself.

Estelle scoffed, “it’s none of your business. please get the fuck out of my house” she continued and pointed at the window. Sam didn’t take her eyes off of her though and Estelle was beginning to grow self conscious. no one had ever seen her like this, it’s why she didn’t go to school and she didn’t want Sam to be the first person to ever witness the fucked up life she had. she wasn’t quite sure why even cared, Sam and her had only kissed once drunkenly and her opinion shouldn’t mean anything to her but it did. she wished it didn’t, wished she could not care that the girl in front of her was seeing her in her most vulnerable state.

the older Carpenter girl finally moved from her spot and walked toward the window. Estelle expected her to leave and to finally be alone again but instead Sam closed it and the curtains in the process.

Estelle sighed heavily, “what are you doing?” she sounded as exhausted as she felt and Sam just wanted to pull her into a tight hug and not let go. Estelle would never let that happen though.

“im staying” Sam shrugged as if it were the most simple answer ever. “you can kick me out if you want but i’m staying” she said firmly and Estelle knew that there was truly no room for discussion.

“whatever” she shook her head and climbed back into bed.

-

Tuesday

Estelle had slept through most of the day. it was dark out now and when she reached for her phone she saw it was seven. the girl slowly threw the covers off of her and got out of bed. she needed to take some pain killers, the bruise on her stomach was only growing in pain and she couldn’t deal anymore. she had been taking Tylenol and ibuprofen but neither worked, she’d still feel the pulsing in her face and stomach region. she was so tired of the pain. so instead of reaching for the pill bottles beside her bed she went into her brothers room. she knew where he stored his drugs, in the safe stuffed inside closet. the combination was her birthday. she always thought that was sweet.

the girl grabbed the weed stored in a ziplock bag as well as the rolling paper. she didn’t have much of any experience with it but she wasn’t going to take hard drugs which was the only thing Elias had so weed would have to do.

she didn’t bother walking out of the room to smoke it, she didn’t need the smell lingering anywhere else in the house and Elias room always reeked of weed anyway. she opened the window like she’d seen her brother do countless times before and lit up the small joint. ten minutes later (which she mostly spent coughing) the small bud was too small so she put it out on the ashtray sitting on the outside part of the window.

her throat felt as dry as her eyes, this was why she never smoked. her hands were tingling and the pain was long forgotten, it was instead replaced by dizziness. she wasn’t super high but enough to feel her heart racing in her chest faster than usual. she’d regret this later - possibly but at least she wasn’t in pain anymore.

the girl held onto her stomach with her left hand and held onto the railing with the other as she walked down the steps.

she’d spent all day sleeping she had almost forgotten Sam had told her she’d be staying the day before. truthfully she fully expected Sam to be gone by now but instead of being met with an empty house she saw Sam in the kitchen making what looked to be spaghetti.

had she gone shopping? there was nothing in the fridge or cabinets to make food, especially not considering Elias was the one who did the grocery shopping and he was arrested before he could go on his weekly errand. all of the frozen food that was there was stored just in case they were low on money, Elias hated when his sister ate it. he always said she needed real food.

“what are you still doing here?” Estelle asked with a slight rasp to her voice. she ignored Sam as she prepared a plate near the stove and went to the fridge for a bottle of water.

“i told you i was staying,” Sam shrugged as if it were the most obvious this - which it was but Estelle never thought she’d be serious about it. “and you haven’t eaten all day so sit” she said and pointed at the dining room table.

Estelle glanced at it for a split second and then at the plate that was already resting on the kitchen island. without a second thought she grabbed the plate and began walking to her room.

she wouldn’t be keeping someone company when she didn’t even want them in her house.

-

Wednesday

much like Tuesday Estelle spent most of the day sleeping. she had gone back to her brothers to smoke another joint. this wasn’t like her, she’d never dug into his stash before, it didn’t matter how bad her beatings were but this was the worst it’d ever been. she’d usually be healed in a week tops two but she knew this wouldn’t be going away for another two weeks meaning she wouldn’t be attending school for almost a month. the only way she’d show her face would be if the bruises on her face faded to the point in which she could cover them with makeup. it didn’t really matter if the bruise on her stomach went away by then, she’d endure that pain like she always would.

it was just too painful this time around. tylenol wouldn’t cure the pain and she needed something stronger. even if she hated weed, even if she hated what it had to done to her brother and the people around her. she was a hypocrite but she couldn’t find a single part of her that cared. she deserved this, after everything she’d been through she deserved this.

once she felt high enough she locked the drugs away - except for a small bag that was still in her hand and went downstairs where she was sure Sam still was. she hadn’t heard the front door open all day and she had heard the television playing some comedy movie from her room. it was ridiculous that she was still there. seriously, Estelle couldn’t understand what she wanted.

like expected the girl was sitting on the couch intently watching the movie playing on the screen. there was just something different this time around, she wasn’t wearing the same clothes as before and there was a duffle bag sitting on the floor beside the fireplace.

“why are you here?” Estelle spoke abruptly causing Sam to flinch and whip her head around to face the smaller girl. she was slightly shocked at first but recovered almost instantly.

“i told you already, im not leaving you alone like this” she answered earning an eye roll from Estelle.

“seriously Sam. what the fuck do you want? drugs? fine. here” she said throwing a bag of weed to the girl along with oxy. Sam was obviously confused as she looked down at the bag that landed beside her. “you don’t even have to pay me. it’s all covered just please leave me the fuck alone” Estelle said pissed off by now. who did she think she was coming to her house and staying like they knew each other? like they were friends?

Sam didn’t move a muscle toward the bag as she looked back at the girl, “i don’t want drugs, Estelle. i just don’t think you should be alone right now” she said calmly.

Estelle scoffed, “what the fuck do you even know about it? you know nothing about me. you think we kiss once while i’m wasted and i’m in love with you? please, Sam. you’re just a fucking junkie and i’d never get with someone like you” she fired at the girl angrily.

Estelle knew she had hurt Sam by the look on her face, she regretted it as soon as she said it. the pained look in Sams eyes was enough for Estelle’s chest to tighten in pain. “maybe you’re right” Sam said. “maybe i’m a junkies who isn’t to your standards but i can’t just leave you like this Estelle. you are in obvious pain, you can’t stand without holding onto something and don’t even get me started on your eye!” she exclaimed and began to stand.

Estelle rolled her eyes again, “you don’t know shit about this Samantha. this isn’t any of your business so just leave me the fuck alone” she yelled at the taller girl. she didn’t bother listening to Sam stubbornly tell her she wasn’t going anywhere as she turned around and walked back up to her room, slamming the door behind her in the process.

-

Thursday

there’s a certain point in which a human can go without breaking down. that point for Estelle was ten days after the incident took place. she’d cried before, sure, but not like this. not with sobs racking her body like an avalanche, not with tears rushing down her face with no sign of ever stopping, not with her chest tightening and her lungs rapidly running out of oxygen. she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t see and all she could feel was herself slowly drowning in her pain.

it wasn’t just the pain physically, it was emotional and she couldn’t deal with it anymore. she was so fucking damaged and she had no idea how she would ever feel like a normal person again. she had internal and external scars that she knew would never ever go away. it didn’t matter how much alcohol she took, how much weed she smoked, how many times she tried to disguise that pain with it of her girlfriends emotional abuse. she’d always just be this.

the other teen in the house could hear the loud crying from the living room. it was dark outside by now and she had been hearing her cries for the part hour. when the day started she thought it would progress like it had the last couple of days but Estelle never opened her door and went to her brothers room to get high, she didn’t go downstairs to grab a plate of food or lash out on her again.

she simply didn’t leave her room.

Sam had made dinner for them both and she wanted to apologize to Estelle and let her know that if she really wanted her to leave, she would. she understood it was weird to be in her house, they barely knew each other but she’d known all about Estelle’s father leaving and her mother dying. she knew Elias was the only person Estelle had and now he was in jail. she couldn’t leave her alone. not when she was in so much pain.

Estelle heard a soft knock on her door causing her to quickly pull the blanket up to her lips to try and cover up her crying.

Sams voice was gentle and it hurt Estelle even more how sensitive she was being toward her, “i made some soup” she said. “you don’t have to come out, i can bring it up for you. but..” Estelle heard the girl trail off and even though she couldn’t see her, she could almost see Sam biting her bottom lip with her eyebrows furrowed as she thought about what to say next. “if you want.. maybe we can watch a movie. i don’t know but whatever you need just let me know”

Estelle didn’t come down to grab food or watch the movie Sam offered that day.

-

Friday

hot water ran down Estelle’s nude body. at first it made her wince whenever it would hit her stomach region or when it landed anywhere on her face but it all slowly numbed.

she hadn’t showered since Monday, the pain was too much. it felt good, refreshing even, to finally wipe away the dried blood along with the dried tears from all the crying she had done the night before.

the girl soon turned the water off and stepped out of the shower. her mirror was slightly foggy but she could still make herself out. her eyes was only slightly better, it wasn’t that swollen but she still couldn’t open it all the way. the color hadn’t changed and the bruise on her cheek was only healing in pain. maybe that was because of the drugs though. she didn’t bother looking at her stomach, both the pain and the bruise hadn’t changed at all.

she threw on a pair of sweatpants and one of her brothers hoodies before stepping out of the bathroom. her hair was wet and water droplets were hitting the floor along with her hoodie.

she took a deep breath and then opened her bedroom door. it was time to stop being a bitch. time to grow up and realize she had someone in her house that was going through all this effort just to make sure she wasn’t alone.

as soon as she stepped down from the last step she saw Sam on the couch and scrolling through her phone. she didn’t seem to notice Estelle’s presence and the shorter girl wasn’t going to any efforts to alert her.

the younger girl walked to the kitchen and grabbed a clean plate, the noise finally grabbing Sams attention. she locked her phone and placed it on the table beside her as she turned her body to look at Estelle. none of them spoke.

Estelle quietly grabbed some food and put it in the microwave. two minutes later she was walking toward Sam with a bowl of food in one hand along with a bottle of water in the other. she was severely dehydrated at this point.

the girl silently sat down on the furthest end of the couch whilst Sam was still sat on the other. Estelle placed her bottle of water on the coffee table and got comfortable where she was. Sam tried not to look at her as she watched the television. the shorter girl took a bite out of the food and her eyes widened, it was amazing. she wasn’t sure if that was the hunger talking but either way was visibly pleased.

Estelle realized Sam wasn’t going to any efforts to talk which made her sigh. “im sorry” she finally said.

Sam glanced at her with a neutral expression. damn, Estelle couldn’t help but think she had been a bigger dick than she realized. that was a stupid thought considering she’d literally called her a junkie.

“i was really fucked up and i didn’t mean any of the stuff i said” she continued hoping Sam would say something - anything.

her hopes weren’t let down as Sam finally turned to look at her, “it’s fine. you were just saying shit. i know how it goes” she shrugged. Sam was playing it down and Estelle didn’t feel like she deserved that.

“it’s not okay, though. you’re not a junkie and frankly what you do isn’t any of my business. and if we’re being honest it’s me who doesn’t deserve you, not the other way around” Estelle admitted with a soft chuckle.

Sam didn’t say anything but Estelle could see a faint smile appear on her lips and that was enough for her to know she had accepted her apology. but Estelle knew that wasn’t enough, she needed to tell someone. even if it was someone she’d barely known, even if it was one of her brothers clients. she just couldn’t keep this to herself anymore and Sam had done nothing but tried to be there for her these last couple of days.

the young girl placed her bowl on the table in front of her before leaning back on the couch. what she would be saying wasn’t something that could be taken lightly, it was heavy shit and she just really hoped it wouldn’t scare Sam away. “i was ten years old when my mom died” Sam didn’t move a muscle or say anything but Estelle knew she was listening. “my dad had always been an abusive asshole but one day he was really drunk and his fists were hitting a lot harder until suddenly she just stopped breathing” tears were already forming in Estelle’s eyes and she felt pathetic for it. “but he’s a lawyer so he got his most important contacts to rule it an accident and he got left off the hook easily. no one really knew what happened, it was a closed casket funeral and everyone loved him so no one ever thought he’d be capable of such a thing” she chuckled dryly.

Sam felt tears forming in her own eyes at Estelle’s words. she knew what it was like losing a parent but she couldn’t begin to imagine what Estelle went through. sure, her father left but she knew he was still alive, somewhere out there but still alive. Estelle didn’t have that privilege.

“after she died i was his next punching bag. he wasn’t home much considering he couldn’t live with his own guilt but on the rare occasion he did come home, he’d be drunk and angry and he always said i looked like her so he’d come into my room at night and..” she trailed off as her voice broke and Sam didn’t need her to finish her sentence to know what she meant. the hand that was resting on Sams lap made its way toward Estelle. the girl was staring at her lap so she didn’t notice Sam was reaching for her hand until she was holding it.

the shorter girl looked up at Sam with teary eyes and Sam shot her a comforting smile. and it did just that.

“it didn’t last long, once Elias turned sixteen he started to realize what he was doing and one night while… it was happening he came into the room and fought back. my dad always was afraid of him so he when Elias threatened to tell everyone how my mom actually died, he left town and left us alone” Estelle said and wiped at her tears. “but he was angry he had to move away so he stopped giving us money which led to Elias selling drugs.”

Sam squeezed the girls hand to show she was still listening. “we knew if we called CPS he’d just win them over and move back in so we didn’t bother. things were fine up until the first time Elias got arrested. my dad knew he wasn’t home so he came back and..” she couldn’t finish her sentence again but Sam still understood what she meant. “i begged him to pay bail but he never did, he knew he had an advantage. once Elias was released he knew what he did to me and told all of my moms family. after that they started helping out and some even offered us a place to stay but Elias never wanted to” Estelle shrugged.

Sam frowned, “why not?” she wasn’t sure if asking was insensitive but that didn’t sound like Elias, considering he tried to protect Estelle as much as he did, why wouldn’t he want to give her a better life with a stable home and family.

“i guess he just didn’t trust anyone else after my dad” Estelle shrugged once more. “but he promised to be more careful so he wouldn’t get arrested again. up until almost two weeks ago” she continued with a sigh. “my dad came back to town the day after he was.”

Sams stomach dropped at her words. she hadn’t put two and two together but now she knew how Estelle got the bruises. how could a father do that to his own daughter?

“he didn’t.. yknow touch me like that but he was pissed off that he got a call saying his son is in jail and now that he’s in a committed relationship, he was mad that he had to stop his new life to come back here. he took it out on me and yeah” Estelle said as if it were no big deal.

Sam shifted closer to the girl hesitantly but once she was sure Estelle wasn’t going to move away she continued to move closer until she could wrap an arm around the girls petite body. “i know there’s nothing i could ever say to heal what happened to you and i’m so sorry that it did. that man is a shitty person and i promise i won’t let him get near you again” she said firmly making Estelle smile as she let her head fall on the girls chest.

“you gonna be my knight and shinning armor miss Carpenter?” Estelle joked.

Sam shrugged with a sheepish smile. “maybe. i might steal your heart after all” she joked back.

but Estelle knew she wasn’t joking. “maybe you already have” she said lowly as she moved impossibly closer to Sam. the taller girl held her even tighter in response.

she deserved someone like her, someone who cared enough to endure shitty words and the cold shoulder and even an uncomfortable couch simply just to show she wasn’t alone. Estelle deserved a love that wouldn’t leave her. one that would be unconditional and one that wouldn’t cause her harm whether that’s emotional or physical.

she deserved to be loved by someone that cared enough to stay.

[wisehearts]

I have recently been reading about self-insert characters to aid my own writing. I found this:

You can tell when someone is writing a self-insert because when you ask them what the flaw is they'll say something like "He's too perfect," or "She's too nice." Those aren't dramatic flaws, and they're not capable of driving a story forward. It needs to be a serious flaw that causes him or her massive problems and that he or she must need to solve by the end.

And it immediately made me think of like shakespeare or someone big and dramatic who obviously poured love into their stories but also wrote intense tragedies and all range of human emotions. and it got me thinking of will, who is often described by fandom as perfect or an angel or can do nothing wrong, and it always makes me do a silly little confused face. why do people want see will as perfect? he's lovely, sweet, and even his flaws get washed over or glamorised. but as a character his flaws are what make him not only interesting, but essential to drive this story forward, as the above said. i would say will's main flaws include his low self-esteem, his tendency to put others before himself at the wrong time, and perhaps his catty jealous streak.

but the interesting thing about flaws is that they change with context. jealousy isnt intrinsically bad, but human. and sometimes these qualities can be useful instead of damaging - will's selflessness can do wonderful things, but it can also do bad things. but thats the whole point of the nuance of the human experience! if will is perfect, he cannot grow and there is no story.

i think fandom does a strange thing which is to wash everything over in absolutes, making them black and white, which is also funny re: this show because it's trying so hard to tell you that there is no absolutes in real life. will is perfect and can do no wrong simply because a fan likes him! i see very few people admire will as human rather than angelic. mike on the other hand gets a lot of defenders who aim to justify his 'bad' behaviour, but why does it need justification? it's human. i cannot understand the need for people to be perfect. i love a real, rounded, flawed character - and they dont need to be a villain whose evil antics we admire either. just a normal person.

as relates to writing self-inserts, the author who does this undermines how much they need to make an audience care about the character as much as they do. ofc the author already cares; the character is basically them! but why should we, the audience, care?

Nodding along to this because I too love all parts and sides of will byers and mike wheeler.

I know I definitely talk about will as an angel and perfect etc, but it's very much cuteness aggression and exaggeration brought on by the love I have for him, not a blindness to the layers he has. I think it's the same case for many who say the same thing, but there are 100% the people you're talking about who - as happens often in this fandom - take the lighthearted jokes/comments and start to believe them, and now think will can't have flaws or else he'll be immediately hated on by people who don't like him.

I think the most silly, unimportant frustrating instances of it are the times people would vote on twt/tumblr polls where mike should so clearly be the winner, but will wins because "will can do no wrong!!! I believe mike is an idiot loser and so I don't believe he is capable!!!". Like I am begging you to let will fucking suck at something. because he does! and I love him or it! he is human!

^ that's more in canon traits than the actual personality traits you mentioned in your ask, but I feel it's in the same vein. I love his occasional cattiness, I understand his self-sacrificial nature and look forward to how that'll grow next season, etc. watching will byers finally choose to live is going to be amazing.

mike on the other hand I find full of his own layers. There are multiple ways people view mike, but two I find interesting are a) what you present here and how they're his flaws that make him interesting, and b) his behavior is due to grief/ptsd/his conflict with his sexuality and not his true self. I somehow think both are true at the same time lol? Like in times of hardship, this behavior is what he turns to and that is considered flawed or unregulated! Just like will's pulling away and suffering in silence (low self-esteem) can be worked through, but is valid as a flaw.

thanks for your thoughts, this was cool!

[like-rain-or-confetti]

You're gorgeous...

You fell in love with the rogues all over again seeing their new outfit and the world is gonna know it!

The Riddler: He took a bow and opened his arms with a grin. "That's much better!" He grinned. You turned around to look at him and your jaw dropped. "What do you think!?" He smirked. You couldn't help it. You saw his new green suit and couldn't help but stare at him. "You married?" You asked. He raised an eyebrow his smirk remaining on his face. "Like you wouldn't be the first to know." You stood up and approached him. "You're...oh what is that word. My feeble mind has forgotten. It has a double meaning. It could be a temperature but it's also a description for attractive people. Damn, what is that word?" You smirked. He chuckled lowly, his arms wound around your waist as yours wrapped around his neck. "I believe the word you seek, my sweet, is I'm 'hot'." He replied. "That you are." You nodded with a grin and he pulled you in closer, capturing your lips in a kiss.

Scarecrow: He didn't say anything about his new suit but you noticed it immediately when you turned to look at him. He felt your stare and looked back at you. "I am not worthy." You declared flatly. He raised an eyebrow. "Hm? Of what?" "Of you." You replied. Jonathan rolled his eyes. "I need you to not stand beside me around other people because you show me up a lot. My self-esteem can't deal with that." Jonathan cracked a faint smile at you. "But what would I be without you?" He asked softly. "Still gorgeous." You replied. He disagreed. "Not personally. Very few are good at being attractive in looks and personality. You, my dear, have perfected the art."

Two-Face: Even with right side of all of his suits damaged and nearly burned to crisp. Somehow he still pulled them off. You gasped. "Look at you!" He immediately chuckled under his breath as you took his hands and stepped back to get a better look at him. "Is this for my benefit because im benefitting. Do I need to share you with the rest of Gotham? What if someone worthwhile takes you from me!" "Not a chance, gorgeous." Harv' smirked. He watched your eyes run up and down him. "I hit the jackpot with you." You mumbled just loudly enough for him to hear. He tore his hands free of yours for a moment to pull you in by the waist. "Funny, I could say the same about you." He mumbled as he kissed your neck a couple of times.

Black Mask: Roman always looked immaculate. Yet when his white suits were brand new, they popped. You had heard he had a couple of new suits coming and noticed immediately when he was dressed in a white suit and a black shirt and shoes along with lack leather gloves. You gasped, gaining his attention. His masked head turning towards you sharply. "How you doin'? Are you single?" You asked. A low chuckle emitted from his mask. "Not anymore, doll. I'm off the market." You sighed in 'disappointment'. "I'm jealous of your partner. They're very lucky." Roman walked up to you and stroked your cheek. "Lucky you." He grinned.

Penguin: You caught sight of his new coat before he left for work at the lounge. "Oz?" You called. "Yeah, sweetheart? I'm just about to leave." He looked at you whilst fixing his collar. "Looking good?" He asked. Sometimes he felt he had to check he looked alright. Perhaps it was insecurity. You didn't want to upset him by prying or make him self conscious about asking. You looked him over. "Imma marry you." You deadpanned. "Oh yeah?" Oswald smirked. You nodded. "Mhm." "I don't recall proposing, sweetheart." Oswald said. "Who said you'd need to?" He raised an eyebrow. You blinked. "I can't decide if I should propose right now or just kidnap you and force you down the aisle." You pondered and he chuckled. "You think about that whilst I head to work." He kissed your cheek. "Love you!" You held onto him, hugging him and kissing his cheek in return. You felt his hand on your back. "I love you more, sweetheart."

[taylortruther]

So here's my thing about the Barbie discourse:

Almost nothing that holds such an iconic place in society is one thing. So much of this discourse comes from this, imo, immature very black and white internet space. It's either good or bad. But like most things, Barbie is both.

Everything critics have said about Barbie being a cultural icon of the patriarchy is true. Barbie's size has long been critiqued and also studied and it has done real damage to real people. This is all true and not to be made light of

Studies upon studies upon studies have also shown that dolls and prominent cultural figures engaging in traditionally male dominated fields increases the participation of young girls. So Barbies such as Astronaut Barbie increase girls' participation in STEM. There is empowerment even without Greta Gerwig's film.

Barbie is the pretty pink, Barbie is the tiny and physically impossible body, Barbie is the permanent high heels. Barbie is also the astronaut and the doctor. She is both the bimbo and the message that girls, too, can be smart.

And I think the most interesting critique of Barbie as a brand, a character, and eventually a film when it comes out, is (will be) how these work together and play off each other. From what I've gathered from what Greta has said, her intention with this film uses this duality to validate the "you can do anything" and point out that all of those unfair and unhealthy expectations come from her being a literal doll. I think that's going to be interesting! I think it's interesting how in the current reality of the brand and the character, this duality plays off itself in a feedback loop. We have to be submissive and docile and pretty and inhumanely shaped, but we also need to be smart and capable and powerful, but not too much that we're not idealized.

I get so exhausted with the overly slimplistic dichotomy on both sides of this debate cause the reality is VERY CLEARLY in the middle. And also it drives me crazy cause I don't think anyone involved in making this movie has given any intention of ignoring that reality. Even the trailer highlights it in the forefront. The story is literally about how the fantasy Barbie sells is a lie, from what I can tell. Anyway... Point being: Barbie good or bad is a stupid argument because the answer is both. Which means that this movie is both. because it's also Barbie. But ain't that like the internet to oversimplify in extreme avoidance of nuance?

yes!! this is well said: barbie represents A LOT in our society* and having conversations about it takes time and effort. there are countless studies about what you've described here - toys' affect on children's self-esteem - and it's valuable to consider it all when we're criticizing.

i also want to elevate what you said in your last paragraph: And also it drives me crazy cause I don't think anyone involved in making this movie has given any intention of ignoring that reality.

so glad you said that! and this is probably what one of my anons meant about waiting 'til the film comes out. i am excited for the film! it will not score straight A's on my personal feminist report card because, well, i think my personal ideology is more extreme than what mattel would sign up for lmao. but i still want to see what greta created and i'm fascinated by what margot said about how barbie would interpret being objectified in the real world.

like, the film is going to give us A LOT to chew on in regards to girlhood, womanhood, objectification, etc. - how could it not? barbie is a kid's toy, a literal object! it's exciting that a major blockbuster will tackle these issues, even though i know it will be lacking in others.

(*since i am a swiftie blog, we can also discuss how taylor occupies a similar, and worse, space because barbie is a literal product but taylor is a human being)

[stranded-labyrinth]

Angsttttt

Just read a fic where will found Hannibal in Florence and was jealous AF about Antony diamond. But they worked it out and shit.

Let me raise you, Will ‘already horrible self worth/esteem issues’ Graham, leaving the second he sees Hannibal flirting with a guy who looks just like him, minus the myriad of ugly scars. And homie has a badddd self destructive habit already. So he heads to the closest bar with the intention to get black out drunk and find someone to take his mind off Hannibal. But then ends up running out of the bar because he’s gotten into a fist fight and beaten the guy to a pulp. (Projecting much will?)

But know he’s thinking, why not just kill that bitch, Hannibal was with? And not with his fists with a gun, the man doesn’t deserve any form of intimacy.

So as one does he finds the guys address and sneaks in, only to find Hannibal THERE. And in a fit of absolute hatred shoots Antony dead in the head. No guilt, Before turning on Hannibal. Who’s looks like he’s about to have a heart attack, before noticing it’s Will. And he smiles and gos to talk before Will interrupts him.

“It doesn’t matter what I do, does it? I’ll never be enough for you, you have your fun with me then throw me out, when I’ve grown boring”

before taking the gun off Hannibal. And ATTEMPTING to shoot himself, but Hannibal smacks the gun off course. So he ends up shooting himself in the arm (like where chiyoh shot him) and passes out from blood loss.

Then the rest of the fic would be Hannibal trying to fix the damage he’s done

i'll be so honest, there's been about 50 different flavors of this happening in my mind at any given time

Hannibal being an absolute shit with how he's gone about he and Will's relationship can spring so many different versions of this, to the point where i've desperately wanted to write something with it but i've struggled with knowing exactly how to go about it, because there's just so many ways to do it that i can't settle for one

personally, i don't tend to go the route of Will trying to kill himself if only because he's relatively used to stewing in depression, but teetering on the edge is not to say that something couldn't push him over the edge. the way i always imagine it is him, as usual, resigning himself to this life. he's drained of the joy of it, left with bitterness and resentment and aching, and yet this time around he also just feels so painfully empty. there's a hollow void that isn't going to be filled, Hannibal's made that abundantly clear through his lack of action, so why bother hoping? once again, just another person Will isn't good enough for. he exists to understand Hannibal and that's it, nothing further. no other meaning.

and, of course, Hannibal doesn't enjoy his Will without his passion, so he'd know something's amiss pretty quickly. but he's not going to ask so directly, he's going to poke and prod and guide, but Will's too tired and convinced his little world with Hannibal will never get better than what it is and he's too tired and he wants to go home but doesn't even know where home is anymore, because apparently it's not with him.

Will's feeling like a discarded toy, tossed aside when it became old hat only to be picked up when the owner gets curious.

he's not engaging in their little philosophical back and forths. he's not killing. he comes to bed, if only to lay curled up on his side, facing away from Hannibal, laying still until his grief for something he never had becomes a physical thing in the room and Hannibal has to reach out to him just to be able to breathe again.

of course, Will would break eventually, but until then he's just going day to day, mind on the bleak past and even bleaker future until it makes for a bleak present, and Hannibal's watching the life leave his eyes while being completely ignorant to it being his fault.

sometimes i think he'd stay and everything would break down that way, sometimes i think he'd leave (or try to) and Hannibal would go looking for him, because after all this time, Hannibal refuses to be without him. not again.

but like i said, all the intricacies of it could be so different that it's difficult to actually jot down.

[writingreadingdaydreaming]

really random but how do you think male omegas feel when they’re balding??

like in the omegaverse fics i read omega beauty is basically described as what would be stereotypical feminine qualities. and obviously i know that women bald and have thinning hair as well but it’s seen as a more masculine thing that it makes me wonder if male omegas would have any insecurities about it??

i mean ian wright is an omega in your universe and he seems bald and bauetuful and happy. not sure about the rest though

Omg an anon!!! Thank you for this wonderful question!!!

I feel like it would depend on how that omega grew up and was socialised, as we all know that women (and therefore omegas in an omegaverse society) are treated and valued based on their appearance.

Honestly? I don’t think an omega like Ian Wright would care all that much about going bald because Ian would have never been seen as a conventionally attractive omega. You have to think for someone like Ian, there would be an intersection of racism and misogyny, and with how intensely Ian sometimes showed his emotions on pitch, many people wouldn’t inherently see a black omega as soft and gentle anyways (because racism :/). So basically I feel like it wouldn’t really matter to him because growing up as someone who didn’t have the exact features of omega beauty, he would learn to find value in other things, so balding wouldn’t bother him as much as some other people (I hope I’ve explained this in a way that makes sense, if I’ve said anything wrong/insensitive feel free to let me know) .

Kind of the same story for Pepe (even though he’s bald by choice, not because of hair loss).

However, some omegas definitely would have deep insecurities about it. I know this is a football ask but if I can just draw it to tennis for a second because Rafa Nadal (even though I’m not a huge fan of him anymore) is a perfect example of this. If you compare how Rafa has aged to how Federer or Djokovic have aged, you can see that Rafa’s aging has been much more pronounced and premature than theirs, and obviously part of that is that he has been losing his hair recently. I think if you consider that when he was younger, Rafa would’ve fitted more into omega ideals, with a shy personality and a soft features. Quite literally the it girl of sport, or at least tennis. So when those signs of aging started to become apparent, especially hair loss, I feel like it would really bother him. His whole career he’s been known as the “pretty one” of the big three, and he would definitely have internalised that, so losing that innocent soft look would definitely do damage to his self-esteem.

I think a big thing too would be omegas losing their hair during pregnancy, which is very common. Imagine the stress of trying to come back to professional football after giving birth, and then the weight of people commenting on your appearance and looks on top of that :/

Thank you so much for your question, I absolutely loved answering this!!!

[atlanticcanada]

Afro Day N.B. campaign hopes to spark conversations about respecting hair styles

Thursday is the first Afro Day New Brunswick -- a community-wide campaign promoting the acceptance and celebration of Black hair, and acknowledging hair in other cultures.

Aaliyah Lahai, who came up with the campaign, says the idea stems from her childhood.

“As a young child, my mom would braid my hair, you know that story of having relatives doing your hair, and it was so personal,” Lahai said during an interview with CTV Morning Live Atlantic. “They also told me stories about what the different styles represent.”

Lahai says although she was very proud of her hair, respect from others was not always there.

“My mom would tell me these stories and she’d braid my hair and I’d be so proud to carry them to school, and sometimes I faced a little bit of bullying or a little bit of micro-aggressions.”

Lahai says, as she grew up, she starting hearing stories similar to what she experienced growing up.

“As I got older, and I have been braiding so long, I started hearing stories about how youth today, Black youth in New Brunswick, are still experiencing some of those barriers,” she said.

Lahai says comments made about people’s hair can be harmful.

“I think it stems from understanding the irreparable damage sometimes comments towards not just Black hair, but the hair of children of color in general, does to the self esteem, especially in cultures where hair is revered and it’s sacred, and it’s a huge part of the culture, and recognizing that,” she said.

She says that’s what made her decide to do something and spark a conversation.

“I thought, ‘why not do a media campaign,’ a community-wide response celebrating Black hair and teaching others of the importance of hair, not just in Black cultures but Indigenous cultures and other cultures in our world.”

Afro Day New Brunswick is hoping to open a dialogue and educate people about why hair should be respected, as well as different styles and their meanings.

“Allies can get involved as well, having that roundtable discussion with your family, and kind of just breaking those barriers and opening dialogue. Hair is important in various cultures, so it needs to be respected,” said Lahai.

While this is the first year for Afro Day New Brunswick, Lahai says it will be an annual occurrence.

For the latest New Brunswick news, visit our dedicated provincial page.

from CTV News - Atlantic https://ift.tt/nwxPdQC

[cyberjulie]

Review:

Mathew Syed, a British columnist and writer for “The Times” newspaper, writes “Black Box Thinking” about how people and organizations learn from failure. This book covers various studies of individuals and organizations, such as the aviation and medical industries, and how they overcame failure. Similar to cybersecurity, these industries experience some truly advanced attacks that cannot be prevented. However, most security incidents are caused by simple mistakes, such as misconfigurations, using weak passwords or forgetting to apply updates to fix vulnerabilities. We see these common failures or mistakes repeated all over the world. This isn't a cybersecurity book, but it can help guide those who want to build a safer and more high-performance organization.

The key messages of the book are:

To succeed and progress you need to learn from failure.

Appropriate systems, culture, ways of thinking and methods are necessary for learning.

Pay attention to elements of psychology and organizational culture that hinder learning.

Share what you learn with the industry.

There are a number of key concepts and topics in “Black Box Thinking,” and here are a few that are important for cybersecurity:

System and Workflow

A single mistake can be fatal to an aircraft, so the aviation industry tries to automatically acquire as much data as possible. If something happens, the procedure is to analyze the data, investigate the cause and take immediate action to prevent the same failure from happening again. The "Black Box" in the title of this book is the flight recorder on the plane. It creates the most important record for investigating the root cause of an aviation accident.

In cybersecurity, it is also important to create a cycle in which records are automatically recorded as much as possible and analyzed in the event of an error.

One interesting point Syed makes in the book is that to learn from failure, you need to consider not only the data you can get but also the data you can't collect. It’s not possible to obtain and retain all necessary data for technical, economic and other reasons, but it is very important to understand the data that you have and the data that you do not have at the time of analysis.  This helps you investigate the causes of an issue and allows you to build more effective response measures moving forward.

Mindset and Culture

In order to succeed, it is necessary to learn through trial and error. As such, successful people have a positive attitude toward failure because they know that they can experience meaningful evolution by facing failure directly and repeatedly trying again. Growth mindset and growth culture help us unlock the potential of individuals and organizations.

There is no complete security. Even if you achieve a certain level of security, it cannot be a permanent solution. Organizations and human behavior cannot be predicted, and what is required of security will change according to the times and circumstances. Security is an iterative process, and organizations need to institute a mindset of improving productivity and security through embracing new challenges, rather than fearing change or failure.

What Prevents Learning from Failure

Syed also explains various human factors that hinder learning from failure.

Mistakes threatening self-esteem or professionalism.

Fear of failure and perfectionism.

Hierarchical relationships that don’t allow individuals to point out mistakes.

Mindset and culture of placing blame on individuals for failure.

Fundamental attribution error by the brain, which tends to think of the simplest and most intuitive story.

Since cybersecurity is part of human and organizational activity, it is easy to imagine that some of the factors listed here have caused a drop in security levels. In particular, blame and intolerance can cause serious damage. When a security incident occurs, the person who fell victim or the IT or security team is often accused of being at fault, which doesn't help at all. If the culture of immediately shaming and blaming individuals is rooted in the organization, nothing will be reported, and no one will want to join the IT or security team. As explained in this book, it is important to face failures, identify the cause, make improvements and make the organization safer.

I recommend adding this book to your reading list. Information technology is evolving day by day and is now an important part of the foundation of our lives. Cybersecurity has never been more important to human life, and everyone bears part of the responsibility for following best practices to keep ourselves and our organizations safe. “Black Box Thinking” does not focus on cybersecurity, but it includes many tips that can contribute to more advanced processes and safer digital lives.

Book written by Matthew Syed Book review by Kaoru Hayashi

[cheriju]

i wish you had told me when you realized you had feelings for him. not months later - but the moment you realized you liked him. or at least when you responded to his flirtations or even when you went on a date with him. or the second or the third. i wish you could’ve let me know so it would’ve given me closure. it didn’t have to be long or elaborate. i wish you could’ve at least said, “i’ve found someone else and i need to explore that without limitations” and i would’ve respected it. i wish you could’ve let me know so i could still have some respect for you. for me. i wish you could’ve let me know so i wouldn’t have felt so worried whether you were okay, whether you still cared, what was going on with us. so i could’ve received proper closure instead of lingering, silent rejection. so it wouldn’t have absolutely damaged my self esteem and all the fondness i had about our relationship. i wish you had given me some grace and didn’t hit me with the news like a bullet. i wish you didn’t describe how he talked to you and the butterflies you felt for him. because now it lingers in all my sense of self worth. and it lingers in everything we had together. and i know it isn’t black and white and i know people are just people. i know you’re kind, i still do, and i could pretend you weren’t but you really were wonderful. i think that’s why i don’t understand it. it’s hard to hold two seemingly opposite truths and know they exist together. that you’re the kindest person i’ve ever known and you’ve betrayed me in an incomparable way. it’s hard to let it all rest inside myself in a way that doesn’t swallow me up. in a way that doesn’t make me rationalize it all as something about myself. or disparage you in every possible way. i don’t want to do either but i don’t know how to console myself otherwise.

[thenationofzaun]

Mylo took out his own feelings of inadequacy onto Jinx, and exacerbated hers.

I've seen lots of people say that Mylo was right in his belittling of Jinx, that he was only verbalizing a truth that Vi refused to see, or that while he could've been nicer when criticizing Jinx, his claim that she really was a bad luck charm that should be left behind was accurate. I disagree with this.

I can't stress enough that Mylo's constant bullying of Jinx revealed more about him than it did her. Mylo was an extremely insecure teenager who had little confidence in his own place within their group, who felt like he wasn't contributing as much as he would've liked to, and had a need to impress Vi, whom he looked up to. And he dealt with this by doing what a lot of insecure people do - belittle someone else who A) threatens their ego, or B) is an easy target (is weaker than them or has obvious shortcomings). This makes that other person the black sheep of the group, so they don't have to be. And Jinx fit both criteria.

In his very first appearance, you'll notice how often Mylo looks at Vi for approval. He's happy when she acknowledges him after his joke,

and then immediately looks to her when he successfully replicates her leap from one roof to another.

But during the actual job, it's clear that Mylo contributes very little. First, he takes too long to pick the lock on the door, and Vi has to kick it open.

Then, he has trouble distinguishing between valuable items and junk.

But you know who does know how to discern between items that are valuable and ones that aren't? Jinx. And Vi calls this out right in front of Mylo, embarrassing him. Notice how bothered he is by her comment.

Of course, Jinx goes on to make her own blunders during the job, but this just strengthens my point. Jinx fits criteria A) and B). She has valuable skills that Mylo doesn't, and Vi, someone he admires, calls attention to it. And she's accident-prone and screws up in more obvious, explosive ways than he does. Of course he picks on her. It's a good way to draw the group's attention away from his own shortcomings and onto hers.

During the street fight later on (that Mylo carelessly provoked), Vi and Claggor come out on top like badasses. Meanwhile, Mylo struggles and Vi has to save him.

But what happens right after that? Jinx gets cornered and loses their entire haul, except for the crystals. Mylo is (very understandably) frustrated and scolds her for this, but his performance in that fight was second worst after Jinx. His treatment of Jinx is mostly genuine frustration at her mistakes screwing them all over, and partially a way to bolster his own low self esteem. Unfortunately for him, it doesn't quite work. Vi has taken note of all of Mylo's mistakes despite his best efforts to deflect the spotlight onto Jinx's. And she calls him out for them when he, yet again, begins insulting her little sister.

But even after this, he still insults Jinx the very next episode. Right after Claggor teases him about losing to Jinx in a shooting game.

Now, Mylo wasn't a useless screw up with nothing to contribute, and neither was young Jinx. Without Mylo, Vander wouldn't have gotten free of his shackles and been able to protect and save Vi. But to accomplish freeing Vander, he needed encouragement and positive reinforcement to boost his confidence in himself and his abilities (things he denied Jinx).

Mylo wasn't useless, he was just incredibly insecure that he might be viewed that way and desperate to shield himself from being perceived as such. So he ostracized Jinx, a younger, weaker person who made a lot of mistakes he could easily call attention to, who also made him feel a little threatened since she was skilled in ways he wasn't. It's a very human reaction, typical of an immature teenager. He doesn't deserve to be dragged through the mud, but in no way were his "criticisms" wholly true, needed, or helpful. They were the words of an insecure boy, desperate not to be deemed the weak link in the group. And they had a greatly damaging effect on Jinx's self worth and insecurities.

It's cool that Mylo is a character with this much depth considering he dies in the third episode. And this just makes me even sadder to see the effect his bullying had on Jinx, considering they both had very similar insecurities.

[theanimalsarecalling]

I look forward to finding out "why the Lynch Family is the way it is" in book 3, because I've become convinced that The Dreamer Trilogy is a story about generational trauma.

Niall Lynch is everybody's favorite person to hate in these books, and he surely did a number on his sons. But did you ever consider him as a person?

First, we know he was a dreamer. His own father was murdered. He had a failed relationship and a child with Mór, but broke up with her and took the child. He kept his new family isolated. He supported this life by selling dreamt artifacts, which took him from home a lot.

So starting with this information, you can figure out a few things.

1. Declan complains a lot that Niall never taught Ronan the rules about dreaming. He also complained that Niall would promise things and not deliver. Maybe Niall didn't know the rules of dreaming either. It doesn't sound like anyone gave him any guidance either.

2. Niall is referred to as a braggart poet, and a loser musician, who wanted admiration more than love. This strikes me as a man who has extremely shaky self-esteem, rather than someone who considers himself successful or lovable. His reckless behavior indicates that he didn't really value his own life.

3. I wonder if the long stretches away from home were because he was afraid he'd damage his family even more if he spent more time with them, just by his presence. (In which case, he was right.)

4. If you do the math from the date of the Kirby Stephen earthquake, Niall was 38 or so when he died. This means he became a father when he was around 20, which is very young. Considering he probably came to the U.S. around this time too, he would have had very little support as a single parent. No wonder he dreamt a companion.

5. And yet, I'm not really sure he saw Aurora as a full person. It's like he dreamt something vague, like "the opposite of Mór" or "a loving mother", without really understanding what that entailed. This might explain some of her vagueness.

6. I suspect Niall went into his line of work, because he thought selling dreams on the black market would be easy money, he had mouths to feed, and he had no other skills. Plus, he has enough rogue in him to enjoy the criminal aspect. He didn't count on the fact that he'd be too bad at it to deliver consistently. He covered that up by bullshitting to his buyers

7. I'm convinced Niall loved his sons. He's described as a "charming bit of hard luck bred in Belfast", which sounds like he was a poor, inner city kid. The farm, the money, the gifts, the fancy education, all sound like him trying to give his kids the things he never had. Niall's love language was gift giving.

8. That doesn't mean he loved them equally. I always thought Niall cared about Declan, but saw him as damaged goods like Niall himself, possibly because Declan couldn't dream, or possibly because of the relationship with Mór. That's why it wasn't important to value Declan's safety any more than he valued his own.

9. Ronan, on the other hand, represented a new start, a new dreamer, untainted, who could become what Niall wished he had been. And he knew firsthand how vulnerable that made Ronan.

10. Because I'm convinced that what drove Niall to the U.S. was some kind exploitation by Boudicca. They use dreamers and traffic dreams. Who knows what they could have done to him, or how dangerous it was for him to escape.

11. This also means that as a dream, Matthew was at risk too. Niall never really form much of a relationship with Matthew, though I think he tried to be good to him. I think he was glad Aurora had someone to connect to.

12. It's a pity he kept them so sheltered though. The sense of entitlement and the lack of safety awareness that Ronan got from this upbringing have contributed a lot to the danger he's in now. Despite his scary appearance, Ronan is really naive.

13. In the end, Niall destroyed his own family and lost his life, because of the choices he made, by prioritizing one son's safety, exploiting the other, and holding his own life in reckless disregard. Probably the worst thing he did was putting the black market on the trail of the Greywaren, putting his favorite son, and everyone else, at risk just because he couldn't keep his mouth shut.

Niall Lynch was a tragic figure, whose suffering affected how he treated his family. That doesn't mean he wasn't an asshole and a terrible father.

[orbviously]

same anon abt the pro-shipping shit. my aggression was me being oocly anxious and it came across weird, but genuinely i was looking for a way to empathize or understand your side. i'm not looking to change your opinion, and potentially not to change my own, but it doesn't mean i don't want to know what your reasoning is and/or understand where you're coming from. just wanted to apologize cause damn i didn't know it came across so rudely until those reactions.

Hey, anon, thanks for sending this ask. I'm actually grateful that you realized how you sounded. I do think it's kind of normal and encouraged, unfortunately, to be aggressive rather than open minded. However, it's going to make it harder to understand people when you're basically already acting like they've done something wrong.

I'm not an expert in the proshipper vs anti thing, I just come from old internet and fandom where you get to write whatever and it had no bearing on your real life. It didn't affect your "morality", it didn't mean you viewed real people in some degenerate way--fiction can effect reality, but fanfic writers and queer creators and such do not have the sway that mainstream media does.

this got long, and any time I write "you" it's a general you, so keep that in mind.

People use the JAWS comparison a lot, but what they're leaving out is how big and influential that Steven Spielberg creation was--a popular fanfic author for a fandom you're into will only have as much reach as the fandom, and sometimes, not even that much. I'm into Hazbin Hotel, and when a popular Hazbin Fanfic writer joined the scene, I had no idea who they were.

I think it is bad to view things under black and white. It will always be okay to write problematic shit in fiction, it will never be the same as endorsing it IRL. You may encounter people who do that, sure, but just like everything, there are messed up people, and there are normal people. Kink spaces have always been largely friendly towards LGBT+, because for a very long time, (and still today) it was unsafe to be out. It was unsafe to be yourself. Fanfic is similar to kink spaces, in that way. It's a safe, controlled space where you get to write the outcomes, you get to control the things happening.

The original link is gone because the person who posted it probably changed their URL or deleted the post, but it was essentially about how darkfic is good for people to work through their own traumas and shit, but also it's just a good safe way for people to write about anything. And it is safe, because it's not real. To then accuse people who write these things of being okay with hurting real people is patronizing at best, absolutely disrespectful and infantilising at worst. I learned how to separate fiction and reality as a child, and to be accused of not knowing the difference is very insulting.

It's okay to have squicks! It's okay to not be comfortable with various themes, but that does not mean those themes are not allowed to exist. Censorship makes it harder for everyone to protect themselves. Who are antis protecting by encouraging people who write/draw/RP dark themes to kill themselves? Because I can guarantee you, in every group of antis, there are people hiding their darkfic interests, afraid their friends will turn on them. Having interests in dark shit does not make you bad, it makes you human. It's normal. When we started to tell people, especially teenagers, that if they are interested in darkfic it means they endorse those things in real life, it is entirely damaging to their self esteem, but also opens them up to being abused.

You can have your limits and people will respect them, but demanding it with threats and fear mongering, that's probably not gonna get people to want to listen to you. I've been bullied a ton in my life, and I don't listen to bullies. I never will.

@/olderthannetfic is currently a blog I am reading a lot and it's really good! it talks a lot about this stuff. But you do yourself a great disservice to pretend that fiction has an effect on reality to the degree antis behave. It is never okay to bully someone to the point of suicide. It is never okay to accuse someone of being an actual p*do over shipping Vector and Espio. Do we not care about actual victims of these situations? Have ANY OF YOU heard of the parable THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF?

To sum it up: A shepherd keeps screaming that a wolf is coming, but he's lying. every time, people come running but he laughs at them for believing it. finally, a wolf does show up. He screams and cries out for help, but nobody comes because they think he's lying again.

If you constantly make false claims of heinous accusations, people are not going to believe you when something ACTUALLY goes down. People will not believe ACTUAL VICTIMS. Blonic should never have the same rights as a real life human being, that's so incredibly insulting.

Nobody is evil just because they enjoy fucked up fictional media. I just don't read anything that upsets me or grosses me out. If my shipping Orbot and Cubot grosses you out, then please don't follow. It's okay. I'm not responsible for other people, just my own enjoyment. There is no right and good way to enjoy fictional characters. But the moment you attack real people based on your thoughts about fictional characters, you have somehow managed to fuck up enjoying media. That's the truth.

[thescarletwitchsapprentice]

A Pure Soul: Nearly Taken (Yandere!Wanda Maximoff x ADD!autistic!reader)

*Not my GIF.

Summary: The day (y/n) comes back to the compound after being told all those nasty things takes a toll on their mental health and self-esteem. Unfortunately it gets to a point that Wanda hoped it would NEVER reach.

Request?: Still none.

Word Count: 3,456

Warnings: Ableism, eugenics mention, r-word slur, attempted suicide, attempted overdose, hurt and comfort.

Notes: This is a sort of “in-between scene” from “A Pure Soul.” The rate of suicide is 3 times higher in autistic people because of the world’s lack of understanding and willingness to accommodate us. Plus being told the world would be better off without you, along with people looking for ways to make sure we’re not born....that’s gonna take a toll. So it makes sense for these feelings to emerge.

=============================================

You know that the world isn’t very kind to the disabled.

You know that the world wishes people like you wouldn’t exist.

But that doesn’t make what happened hurt any less.

You were out shopping when you ran into your best friend from high school. Except....this friend wasn’t the same as you knew them. No, instead they showed you their true colors.

“Oh hey, (y/n),” they said.

Tone has never been your specialty.

“Hey!” you exclaimed happily as you were looking through the books at your local bookstore. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you! How are you?”

“Better. How’s the treatment coming along?”

This confused you.

“Treatment?”

They nodded.

“For that disease you call autism.”

This struck a chord, and it struck HARD. How could they say something like that?!

“D-disease?!”

They smirked.

“I mean, it just makes us humans lives harder to be around your kind.”

What?!

“What the hell’s gotten into you?!” you exclaimed. “I thought you were my best friend!”

“Oh?”

They pretended to wrack their brain.

“Oh! Yeah, I was such a great actor in that part. I should get an Oscar. Here’s the tea; I lost a bet and had to be your best friend for those four hellish years. I can’t believe they wanted me to suffer that much.”

Your heart began to crack. It was all....an act?

“You took my high school years away from me, made me miserable. I could’ve won prom royalty, but no one voted for me because I associated myself with your species. I’m glad you’re out of my life now. You’re nothing but a burden and the world would be so much better off without you. Why not do us that favor?”

Your heart shattered. You were so plagued with shock that you didn’t notice them push you to the ground and spit on you before walking away with a satisfied chuckle. For the next few minutes, you couldn’t say or do anything. You were just frozen to the spot, their words bouncing around your head.

Finally you were able to feel both the physical and emotional pain. Pursing your lips, you got up, kept your head down, and quickly left the bookstore, trying not to let the tears fall.

===============================================

In the elevator, heading up to your floor, you can barely form a new thought. All you can think of is that hurtful interaction. 

Burden, your kind, your species, disease....

It all hurt. 

And the worst part is that you can’t help but think that they’re right.

But your thoughts are jolted by the elevator bell. As usual you find the Avengers hanging out in the lounge. Nat and Clint are chatting with Wanda. Tony and Peter are working on homework. You can barely see what the others are doing. 

Almost instantly, Wanda’s eye falls on you. She has a smile on her face, but it falls when she sees you, as she instantly knows that something is wrong. 

“(Y/N)!” she whispers worried.

She rushes over and gives you a gentle hug, but you practically squeeze the life out of her. The other Avengers also come to your aid. 

“What happened?” Wanda asks you.

You gulp as she and Nat lead you to the couch.

“I....” you begin as you sit down. “I was out shopping....and I ran into my best friend from high school....”

You tell them the entire interaction. Shocked looks are nearly all around by the end.

“That’s seriously messed up,” Nat says in a mix of disgust and anger.

The others nod in agreement, except for Wanda. Instead she begins to tear up. 

“My sweet angel,” she weeps softly as she hugs you closer and pets your head. “Oh, my sweet, sweet angel. None of what they said is true, not one bit of it. You’re an absolute joy to have around and you’re one of the kindest souls I’ve ever met. You bring so much to the Avengers and to our lives. Autism is not a disease. It’s a part of who you are, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.”

“Wanda’s right,” Peter nods. “You’re wonderful, (y/n). You’re one of the best friends I could ever ask for.”

“And you bring a lot of new perspectives,” Nat adds. “You came into our lives when we needed you the most, especially Wanda.”

They all take turns giving you words of comfort and encouragement as well as letting you cry. Wanda stays the closest to you, to no one’s surprise, hugging you tightly. Her embrace is exactly what you need right now; so warm and loving. 

Tony, though not the most emotional person, does feel sympathetic and even angered at the person who said that to you; even though you’re on the opposite side of the Accords, he decides to get your favorite food for dinner. It’s not the greatest gesture of sympathy, but it’s definitely something. After that, you take a nice, warm shower and get into some fresh, soft pajamas. Wanda’s waiting for you in your bedroom, and surprises you with some soft socks that match your pajamas.

“I removed the fabric tags too,” she tells you.

Your heart melts a bit more for her. How someone as kind, attentive, and loving as her could ever be considered a terrible person is beyond you. You let her put them on your feet and they feel amazing. You wriggle your toes in them, smiling. 

“You like them?” she asks you.

“I love them,” you giggle before turning to Wanda. “And I love you.”

She smiles and gives you a kiss on the forehead.

“I love you too, my angel.”

The two of you spend the rest of the night together, cuddling up close with one another, watching sitcoms, singing quietly. You doze off in her arms.....

But that doesn’t mean it’s over.....

==============================================

You’re not someone who easily forgets how things make you feel, and what that person said still makes you feel like shit. Now whenever you go out, you’re worried that you’re going to run into them. You keep your guard up and walk as quickly as you can. Every outing feels like a fight for survival, but you try to stay strong so that you don’t bother the others. You try to keep a smile on your face. You need to be strong.....

.....But even the strong reach their limits.

It’s a little after you found out they became catatonic. You’re at a coffee shop, nearly empty, when someone else walks in. It’s a friend of that person. You keep your head low as they place their order; four cups of black coffee, extra hot. Your anxiety is increasing, but you don’t want this person to think you’re weak. You keep your back to them, hearing the door open again. 

The other person is called for their order. Maybe you can finally get out of here.

The next thing you know, you feel something steaming hot being poured down the back of your shirt, on your head, thrown in your face, (which you luckily cover most of with your arms) and splattered on your arms and legs. Standing up, you cry out in pain as you whirl around to see 4 people from high school, among them the friend of your former best friend.

“It’s your fault my best friend can’t function, you retard!” the friend snaps as they push you around roughly.

“No one wants you on this planet,” spits another.

“You’re nothing but a parasite!”

“You just weigh people down!”

“You’re an embarrassment to society!”

“Why don’t you just end this?”

“It’ll be better that way!”

“Your birth was a mistake!”

By this time, you’re hardly a thread’s width away from a meltdown and you look at the cashier for help, but nothing. You try to take out your phone to call for help, but you end up slipping on the coffee, falling to the ground hard and in an odd position, hearing a crack. Pain surges through your body as you look at your arms; burn marks are beginning to form.

After they kick at you for a bit and spit on you, they leave. You look up at the cashier. 

“Why....didn’t you help?” you whimper with a whistle in your voice.

No answer. 

They don’t help you up either. Crawling to the door, you use a nearby booth to bring yourself back up to your feet. Suddenly you feel an intense surge of pain in your left leg, and not just from the burns. You look to see that it’s swollen and turning reddish-purple. You reach into your coat and get out your phone only to discover that it’s dead. Wanda’s going to be worried sick....you hate making her worry, and she’s been worried sick these last few weeks to the point where it’s taking a toll on her; so on the way back, you decide to take one worry out of her life for good.

======================

It’s dark when you get back to the compound. And lucky for you, the elevator is closed for repairs. You limp up the stairs, finally reaching the compound. As quiet as a dust mite, you open the door, biting down on your lips to keep yourself from crying out in pain; unfortunately, your lips took some burn damage as well. Limping to the bathroom, you shut and lock the door. You search the medicine cabinet and find some pills.

“This should do the trick,” you whisper.

You try to quietly position yourself on the floor so that you won’t hit your head. You want to be able to pass as peacefully as possible. But something gives in your left leg and you fall, letting out a loud cry of agony. Realizing your mistake, you quickly fiddle with the lid of the bottle as you hear footsteps rush in. You finally get the lid open and begin to pour out the whole bottle into your hand, hoping to get it in in time--

Click!

The lock turns scarlet, clicks, and the door swings opens. 

“(Y/N)!”

A terrified Wanda immediately snatches the pills and bottle from you with her powers. She makes them disappear before heading to your side, tears already flowing from her eyes.

“My sweet angel.....” she squeaks as she kneels in front of you gently taking ahold of your hands. “I didn’t realize you were feeling this terrible. I’m so sorry things have reached this point.”

You look away guiltily. 

“No, I’m sorry....it’s my fault. I never said....anything. You....you’ve been so stressed these past few weeks....all of you. I didn’t want to make it worse on you, so....I just kept quiet.”

Wanda shakes her head.

“You have nothing to apologize for, (y/n). It can be scary, but there’s no shame in reaching out. We all need help sometimes.”

Other footsteps rush in.

“What happened?” Nat asks. “Did (y/n)---?”

“Almost,” Wanda gulps. “We need to get them to the emergency room.”

“I’m fine,” you lie.

“Are you fine?” Wanda asks.

You realize that it’s pointless to lie, and you shake your head.

“No, I’m not....”

“Then we need to take you to the emergency room.....”

That’s when she sees the burns and leg.

“Especially to treat these.....what happened?”

As they carry you to the car, you tell them about the run-in at the coffee shop, them pouring the hot coffee on you, how they were telling you all of these things, how the cashier did nothing to help, how you heard that crack. Both of them are disgusted and horrified at those monsters.

“I don’t care what they say,” Nat tells you as they get you inside. “I’m glad that you’re here.”

“I am too,” Wanda agrees as she gets in the front seat. “We’re here for you.”

“But.....my autism.....”

Wanda gently takes ahold of your fingers, careful to avoid the burns.

“My angel.....I can only imagine how isolating it feels to be in a world that’s not made for you, but your autism is part of who you are. It’s what makes you unique. If the world refuses to accommodate for people like you on their own, we’ll help them to see that they need to, and we’ll help advocate with you.”

Nat nods as she starts the car up and the three of you head for the ER.

“I....I feel selfish worrying you like this and even attempting....I just thought....you’ve been so stressed and I thought it’d be better to take one worry out of your life.”

“You have nothing to feel selfish about,” Wanda assures you. “What you did wasn’t selfish. You’re in pain, and wanting to do something to stop that pain isn’t selfish. But there are better ways to deal with the pain, and I want to help you with those. (Y/N), I can say with 100% certainty that I’m glad to have you in my life, through the good and the bad.”

Tears flow down your face as the three of you silently drive to the ER.

=============================================

It takes several hours for you to be treated, along with a few more hours of consultation for your mental health. Some of the burns are treated through surgery, so you have to stay for a little over a week to make sure you recover and stabilize. Your leg is put in a cast, and Wanda comes to visit you everyday. You feel much better with her and Nat.

A psychologist comes in to discuss a safety plan with you. You decided to ask Wanda if she’d come and discuss it with them. She said yes and Nat also decided to help. You all work out what works in terms of coping mechanisms, people you can talk to, calming techniques, etc,. The psychologist also recommends regular counseling. Wanda asks if there are any remote options for counseling, as it’s going to be difficult for you to get there with your leg, (Also, she’s a little worried that the therapist might try to take you away from her, but she does show concern for your leg) and to her relief, there is. 

You’re discharged after about a week, but you’re not to be left alone for a few days to another week or two, just to be sure. Well, it’s more of Wanda’s recommendation than psychologist’s orders, but the psychologist also thinks that that could be a good idea. You’re not really complaining; it’s more time to spend with Wanda. And she’s certainly not complaining either.

For that time, especially, she makes sure you know that you’re loved, wanted, valued. She practically dotes on you; as if she hadn’t been doting on you before, she’s especially pampering you now. The other Avengers also get the 411, and decide to help. If you need pain or sleep medications, one of them brings the proper dose to you. They take turns spending time with you and getting to know you more. If they need to go out on a mission, Wanda volunteers to stay with you, but if she’s absolutely needed there, she entrusts your care to Vision, a robot who’s exceptionally caring. You and Wanda regularly discuss possibly adding him to the relationship, but you’re not sure if she’s being serious or not. 

On one night, Wanda’s caring for you. After applying the prescribed cream on your burns, she helps you find an oversized t-shirt to wear as PJs. 

“This one’s softer than the others,” you note.

“I went looking for a shirt with a softer material than normal,” she tells you as she prepares a small dose of melatonin for you, one that you’ve been taking to combat the nightmares of those events in the hospital. “I know how much it tends to make you feel discomforted if there is one. I also made sure it was a tagless shirt.”

You smile and sigh.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve an angel like you, Wanda,” you tell her.

Hearing this she smiles and blushes.

“If anyone’s the angel, it’s you,” she says as she gives you the melatonin. “You’ve been there for me even when I’m at my absolute worst.”

“So have you.”

You take the melatonin before Wanda brings you your toothbrush and toothpaste. You brush thoroughly before spitting it into a cup that Wanda disposes of. 

“You know, I could go to the bathroom and do this myself,” you tell her kindly.

“I know,” she sighs. “I’m just worried, my angel.”

“What if I wash my face tonight with the door open?” you suggest.

Wanda gives this a little thought and nods. 

“I can work with that.”

Using your crutches, you walk to the bathroom where you sit on a stool in front of the sink. You wash and dry your face before heading to the bed with Wanda helping you get tucked in.

“You’re seriously an angel,” you tell her. “I don’t think I’ve ever met someone outside of my family that’s been as concerned about my well-being as you.”

“And you’re too sweet,” she smiles again as she finishes getting ready for bed herself. “If anyone’s the undeserving, I don’t deserve you.”

“No, it’s the other way around,” you say.

“No, I’m certain I’m right.”

You giggle.

“Wanda, if we try to prove one right over the other, we’ll be going at this all night.”

She smiles as she goes over to the other side of the bed. 

“Well, I know you’re an angel,” she tells you as she gets under the covers. “You came to me in a dark time, and you shone a beam of sunlight through the shadow.”

The two of you look at each other as the fairy lights hang above you. Of course you’re looking at the bridge of her nose, but you can’t help but glance up at her eyes a few times; one time they catch you, and they are stunning. They’re like emeralds to you; vivid, entrancing, mystical. Just a single glance, and you know there’s so much to know about, so much to discover, and you become lost in them. 

“I’m so proud of you, (y/n).”

Wanda’s gentle voice echoes against your eardrums and dances around your mind, soothing you into drifting even more. But then she boops you on the nose, making it twitch like a bunny’s and snapping you out of your trance.

“Huh?” you ask, looking lost.

Wanda giggles.

“You are too cute,” she tells you. “I was saying that I’m so proud of you for pushing through all of this. It’s not the easiest thing to do, and.....well.....I’m glad you’re still alive, my sweet little sunbeam.”

You blush upon hearing this and turn away, but Wanda gently redirects your face forward.

“There’s no need to hide, my angel. I want to see your lovely face.”

At that moment, you begin to feel drowsy and bring yourself closer to her.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you enough, Wanda,” you sigh.

She brings you in closer and you melt into her embrace.

“Being with you, and you being safe and happy and alive.....that’s the only thank you I need.”

Leaning in, she kisses you gently on your forehead and you shyly return one on her cheek. 

“Goodnight, my angel,” she tells you as she brushes a strand of hair out of your way.

“Wait,” you say as she turns to switch the lights off. “Will....will you sing me those lullabies again? Please?”

“Of course,” she smiles. 

Turning the lights off, she returns to embrace you and softly sings the Sokovian lullabies her parents used to sing to her. As you drift off to sleep, you don’t know what’s going on in her mind. What’s going on with her mind? Her master plan, of course. Tonight’s the night she will finish what she started. Those monsters at the coffee shop messed with the wrong person. For the past few nights, she’s been paying them visits, doing the same things she did with your former best friend, and sending subconscious suggestions for them to gather in one place, thinking they’d be safer together. And now they have.

Tonight she’s going to make sure their minds are gone for good, but not before making them feel the pain and agony she imagines you felt. Her anger with them is in full throttle, so it’s going to be even worse for them. Telekinesis, fear projection, hypnosis, inducing extreme fear, she’ll do whatever she has to. Wanda will not leave until they’re nothing more than hollow husks, shadows of their former selves. With how they’d been acting on those nights, and how much Wanda has done so far, it won’t take too long. 

Because no one-and she means no one-gets away with hurting her precious angel.......ever.

[deceitful-darlings]

Aight so how are the teachers in this evil AU? Are they like

Does Sam actually practice necromancy or

Because that's my biggest concern right now. Sam doing some weird ass voodo shit with the students because hey, lungs and hearts sell a lot on the black market ya know?

Is crewel somewhat mentally sane? Does he yeet the students he doesn't like into the cauldron??

Actually does Vargas yeet the students across the football pitch to stop them from killing each other?

Do they even have classes?? I mean the students skip right?? Because who is sane enough to go to school willingly here-

God, the staff are no saviours that’s for sure!

Both ideas work really well for Sam, especially since students can’t leave campus he’s their only source for anything and everything they require. It doesn’t matter what you need, he can find it for a price, a body part, an organ? He’s got some spare! An illegal book on hexes? He can find one in a matter of days! He always has a world supply on clothing cleaning items, it’s his bread and butter with how many bloodstains the students get! And of course, his voodoo and necromancy work well with situations where students, especially the innocents are killed too early. Sometimes a dorm may appeal to him to bring someone back if they find them interesting enough for them, and who is he to refuse such a request!

As little as they get on, Trein and Crewel are adement on one thing that they both agree on. Discipline. However they go about this in different ways, Crewel uses harsher, more physical means, whipping, shock collars, shoving your face into something that you’ve done incorrectly, pinning you to the floor with his foot, grabbing you by the throat. Whereas Trein tears people down using emotionally and mentally destructive tactics, sometimes mixed with older fashioned punishment through ancient curses for those who’re particularly stubborn, but he’s skilled at tearing down self esteem no matter the personality of the student he’s dealing with, his words are nowhere near as bad as his spells, but he will do whatever it takes to keep control and power over the students.

Vargas is great at stopping fights when it becomes necessary read when he feels like it. But his means of doing so are...violent. If they’re going to fight, they need to make sure they’re strong, and if they’re strong they should be able to take him on! They rarely are, and his unbearable smugness isn’t concealed when he beats the student(s) into unconsciousness, before he laughs it off and tells them to ‘train harder’ as if they can hear him. Most people know he’s in reality just looking for a fight, even if it’s with a student, his superiority complex won’t accept losing, and he’s willing to cause huge amounts of physical damage to students, including throwing them into walls and buildings, slamming them into the ground, throwing them into trees with enough strength to shatter them, there are rumours that some have died to their injuries...

Crowley’s not so much physically abusive, but he is most certainly painfully, disgustingly negligent. He runs the place and allows these atrocious crimes to happen, he employs these dangerous teachers and encourages the violence, he ignores the begs of the innocents to go home, to help them, he just dismisses them with a smile. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself, what he wants he gets, anyone else be damned.

Classes do technically exist in it, it is still a college after all. They don’t have to attend, but pissing off the staff isn’t the greatest idea if you don’t want to die, doesn’t mean there aren’t those that skip class regularly, but the staff are as horrific as the students for a reason!