#dysporia

[existentialsophism]

I'm ngl I hate being trans. If I could have altered my mind to fit my body (I'd also make myself neurotypical and not depressed) I would, but since I can't, I did this. I really wish there was some therapy that could suppress or completely eliminate my trans thoughts and dysphoria, but unfortunately conversion therapy doesn't work. I just really hate what I am. I wish I could remove the things from my brain that made me the way I am. All of the trauma, the weirdness, the abnormalities, the illness. I want control. I want to fix my brain so I don't have to destroy my body in pursuit of one that fits an inconsolable mind. I hate this existence so much.

[convexicalcrow]

Cub gazed at his reflection in the purity pool, wishing it wasn't showing him what he was currently seeing, which was the face that lived underneath the mask, a face he often refused to acknowledge. An old book, its spine bent open at a particular page, sat by his side. He was surprised he was still able to find it, given he had lost it many years ago. Well, not lost, exactly, misplaced. But it had turned up last week some time, and he couldn't help reading the old spell that had created the mask in the first place, wondering if he would still be able to change it.

He'd been fine. For a long time, he'd been fine. He'd been brave and allowed himself to get closer to Scar, but all it had done was fuel his dysphoria. He had never wanted to look like an old man. In his mind, Scar was the kind of man he'd wanted to look like. But for whatever reason, that had never worked with this magic. He had always wondered if it was because he didn't have a good enough image in his head to form the mask from. Well, he did now. Perhaps now he might look like the man he really saw himself as.

He sat back on his heels. He knew his appearance hadn't actually changed, though. It was just the water showing what was really there. It was just doing what it was designed to do, to reveal the truth about whatever objects touched the water. It had revealed many of the blood diamonds the Logfellas were sending to Scar, and he'd been able to stop Scar getting them. He took the time to cleanse them before passing them on, just so his new friend wasn't short, much as he wished he wasn't taking their bribes at all.

Cub definitely wasn't paranoid, though, definitely not. Iskall might have pulled away from the Birchfellas but that was fine. He knew Ren. He wasn't scared of him. They'd have to try harder if they were going to scare him off from the log trade. If anything, it gave him reasons to keep to himself, and pay more attention to Scar to ensure he wasn't being ripped off. Sure, he needed the leaves and logs for his landscaping shop, but Cub would have provided those for free, or for whatever price Scar offered. No threats required.

It didn't matter, though, not in that moment. The sun was setting, and the pool was starting to glow a little. His chest felt itchy, because of course it did. Cub picked up the book, read through the very familiar words on paged that were wrinkled from water damage. He knew what to do. Had always known what to do. Whether the purity pool would even work for this kind of magic, he didn't know, but he had to try.

He set the book down, and touched the water gently, getting his hands wet. He covered his face with his hands, making sure the water touched his skin. He closed his eyes. Breathed in. Pulled the mask away. Held the energy in his hands as he formed a new mask. Prayed to anyone who might be listening that it would make him who he really hoped to be.

His hands tingled a little as the new mask formed and spread over his skin. Would he look any different? Or had it been too long, and the old mask was just permanently attached to him? The book did say that could happen. He hoped it wasn't the case, but he could still feel his beard, and it made his heart sink. It had definitely been too long. Way too long. His skin was still old and dry and a little wrinkled, his hair was still mostly missing, clinging to the back of his head with thin, grey strands, his body ached the way it had always ached. Not even the purity pool could help. Perhaps he curled into himself, doing his best to hide his tears.

Not that he was crying, no! That wouldn't be manly. And he could hear a couple of zombies approaching. He was not safe out here. Hurriedly wiping his face with his sleeve, he grabbed the book and retreated to his base, hiding underground in bed, wishing the night would pass as quickly as possible.

-

"Cub? Are you okay? I didn't- I wasn't prying, but I saw you run off, and you seemed upset. Everything okay?" Scar called.

From his bed, Cub curled up. Scar was the last person he wanted to see, but the fact that he had come after him, had even noticed something was wrong, made Cub sit up in bed. "Just a bit of a scare, that's all. Come in."

"Man, you really do love all these secret tunnels, don't you?" Scar said as he entered.

"Down and to the right, Scar," Cub said, sitting on the edge of his bed. There was going to be a conversation, and he was going to have to be okay with that. Besides, he trusted Scar a lot more than he used to, even if the very idea of telling him about the mask terrified him. No one knew about that, not even Iskall.

"Ah! There you are! Hi!" Scar said as he found him, coming to sit beside him on the bed. "So, everything okay? What scared you out there?"

Cub shrugged. "I dunno. Think I saw something out of the corner of my eye or something, you know how it is out there."

"Oh yeah, definitely! But you're alright now, yeah?" Scar said.

"I think so. I mean-"

Cub paused. Scar brought him into a hug, sitting back as he let him go.

"There, that better? I just thought you needed a hug!" Scar said, smiling at him.

"Thanks, yeah, that was nice," Cub said.

"It's something else, I can tell. It's in your face. What don't you want to tell me? Have those Logfellas been getting to you? I'll have to hurt them if they've done anything to you!" Scar said.

Cub looked down, stared at his hands. Didn't even know where to start. So, he pulled out that old, old book, where it fell open at the mask spell, and showed it to him. Magic, maybe magic would help him understand.

"Oh? What's this?" Scar took the book and read it. "Hmm. Oh! You know, I did think there was something magical about you! I can sense these things, yeah! That explains a lot! Are you- so wait, are you wanting to have a mask, or are you currently wearing a mask? Because I think I'm getting confused now!"

"Both. This-. I didn't want to look like this. But this is what I'm stuck with. I can't change it now, I tried. I've tried so many times to make it more like me, but I can't. I guess I'm just-"

Cub wasn't sure any of this was making sense. There were too many emotions swirling around in his head. Scar touched his cheek, and Cub looked up at him.

"Cub, I don't give a damn what you look like, alright? I care about who you are, and I love that person so much. You could look like, I dunno, some kind of monster and I'd still be your friend! You're going to have to try better than that to push me away!" Scar said.

"I-"

Cub couldn't find the right words, accepted Scar's hug anyway, and figured that was as close as he was ever going to come to telling Scar the truth. The rest of the night brought no more confessions, but Cub did appreciate his company.

-

"I dunno, I'm not sure this is going to work. The book warned after a while, it just sticks, and you can't change it," Cub said.

Cub was once again staring into the waters of the purity pool, the book once again by his side. This time, Scar was with him. Cub wasn't sure this was going to work, but Scar wanted them to at least try. The sun was slowly setting.

"I know, I know, but hey! I have different magic to you! It might work if I help!" Scar said.

"Yeah, it might, I guess. Only one way to find out though," Cub said.

"True. Now, what do I need to do? I need to touch you, right? Lay my hands on your head? Something like that?" Scar said.

"Yeah, something like that, I think. I'm not really sure how the magic works, if I'm honest," Cub said.

"We'll figure it out," Scar said.

"Hmmhmm," Cub said, unsure how much hope he should have.

He dipped his hands in the water again, and closed his eyes, covering his face as he thought about what he wanted the mask to look like as he withdrew the old one. He could feel Scar's hands on his head, and his magic mixing with his felt- warm. In a good way?

Cub breathed. Heard Scar muttering something under his breath. Cub tried to focus on the mask's appearance. Tried to bring up a face that looked like Scar's. Young, handsome, masculine, the kind of face he'd always longed to have. He was quietly glad he had his face covered too, so Scar couldn't see how obviously feminine it still was after all these years. He didn't want to look at it. Hated how it looked in the water's reflection. It wasn't him. Would never be him. Scar could never know. Would never see that face if Cub could help it.

A swirl of magic flooded his head, and he felt a little dizzy. The mask was returning, Cub could feel it, but what it looked like, he didn't know. As the magic subsided, he sat back on his heels, opening his eyes to the moon rising into the sky.

"It didn't work, did it?" Cub said, feeling his face to find the beard still there.

"No, it didn't work. Now I'm mad! I was so sure that would work!" Scar said.

Cub sighed. "I think the book's right, I'm stuck like this now. I never wanted to look like this. I wanted to look like you!"

"The world only needs one Scar, my friend. You keep being you, Cub. I'll keep searching. One day I'll find a way to fix this, just you wait."

"Nah, you don't have to. I mean, this was my fault. I did this to myself and now I gotta live with it," Cub said. "Thanks for trying though."

"No, I mean it, I'll see what I can find. There must be something out there. Now, come on, let's get to bed before it gets real dangerous out here!" Scar said, dragging Cub up by the arm.

"Sure, sounds good to me," Cub said, just managing to dodge an arrow shot by a skeleton further down the mesa.

His body didn't like running. His body didn't like much, to be fair. But Scar held his hand tightly as he led him back to his base, and slowly, Cub was beginning to feel much less alone. Maybe he'd tell Scar one day, once he'd learned to trust him. Maybe then the mask would fall for good.

[wild-at-mind]

I honestly thought I didn't really have much chest dysphoria (small chested) but it's been several days since I put binding tape on as I had been careless removing it and scabbed the skin, and it feels terrible. I have a day's break every week or so which is just about doable but not this. Good thing my skin is better

[coolporygons]

*puts on an outfit*: jesus this looks terrible, i look awful theres no way i can wear this

...

*puts on the same outfit but with my binder on*: i look fucking awesome, hell yeah

[www-pinkhearse]

Goodnight manbun I’ll miss you

[wolfinmyribcage]

Its been a while since the last time I was hit this hard with dysphoria. And I spent most of my life tuning it out so like. Fuck if Im actually feeling it it's bad.

I had facial hair. It was scraggly but it made me happy as fuck and now its gone. I shaved it off because im looking for an apartment and meeting realtors and my name is still legally my deadname and my ID is pre-transition and girlmode and I hate it but I don't want to get denied for trans reasons.

So. Its gone.

I hate my face without it.

And I'm worried it wont grow back cause I'm currently off T until I get some background medical issues under control and

I hate it.

[robbies-treehouse]

Happy chest dysphoria Tuesday :))))))))))

[brooke2valley]

Sometimes things are just... Hard.

(repost) I know sometimes it can be easy to sink into despair. At times everything just feels wrong and dysporia makes it hard to function... I still have hard days sometimes, but it does get easier. I believe in you 💕

[amogus-sex69]

I wish I passed

[room-on-broom]

dunno what gods made them but these breasts i have? they could rival Phryne the Thespian's.

Unfortunately the gods are idiots because they went and put them boobs on your boy here, who wears a binder because of said tits.

[ghostyjpg]

would caspin have cari the sea horse dad way or the way rae and fenris had veah cause on one hand gell yeah trans bio dad representation on the pther hand dysporia

see. this is why i’m torn on it. so honestly i’ll leave it up to y’all— i do lean more towards magic soulbond baby but caspian could go either way i think

[disenchantedif]

If it's ok to ask (if not feel free to ignore), but I was wondering what Viktor's experience of being a trans guy was like? Like I know it mentions in-game that he had top surgery, but does he still experience dysporia? Does he experience transphobia (so far it doesn't seem to be an issue with his family & classmates)? Does he feel insecure/self-conscious about it, about the way others perceive him, or about how it affects his romantic experiences (if at all)? Also did he always know he was trans, or was it more of a gradual realisation over time?

Sorry for so many Qs lol, but I just think Vik is neat and I want to know more about him <3

Vik’s family never had any issues with it. Of course transphobia exists in the human world (as it’s unfortunately modeled off of real life), but the majority of the supernatural community don’t see it as an issue (because it’s not).

He does experience dysphoria sometimes and he gets insecure, but he knows his friends and family all love and support him to the fullest extent.

Fun fact! Viktor is actually the name of his paternal grandfather. When Vik came out, Mikhail suggested his dad’s name for his son.

It’s also why Vik’s last name is different. Slavic surnames are often masculine/feminine, so the twins and Taisiya have “Orlova” while Mikhail and Viktor have “Orlov.” He changed his surname as well when he changed his first name.

As for when Vik realized, he’d been a bit oblivious until it kinda smacked him in the face at 13 and he realized people addressing him in a feminine way made him highly uncomfortable. He had top surgery at 16, shortly after MC moved in with his family.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

Are you still transgender if you don't have severe bottom dysporia? I don't have much dysporia for my bottom as I have for my top, so I wanted to ask if that is normal or not? I know it's stupid but I feel like I am not transgender enough at times to label myself that.

autumn says:

you absolutely don't need bottom dysphoria to be trans. you don't even need dysphoria at all to be trans. there is no prerequisite to being trans, no hoops to jump through and no check boxes to fill. if you want to ID as trans, you can simply ID as trans.

It is absolutely normal not to have bottom dysphoria, I know so many trans people who love their stock bits and have no plans on getting any types of surgery.

[rath00ker]

Trans rambles because I am trans therefore everyone in twisted wonderland is trans (they can’t escape me)

Riddle is trans masc genderfluid or trans fem genderfluid, it can really go either way with him. Would be a She/He enjoyer

Cater is just a trans guy. I don’t make the rules. Got top surgery and started T as soon as he could. Since he’s 18 (and I’m going off American law), he probably started puberty blockers really early and started T with his moms consent. He’s just living his best life

Leona is trans fem or trans masc. You can pick whichever you like best

Ruggie is a trans man I’m dying on this hill. He couldn’t afford puberty blockers but in my headcannon Leona is giving him some money for his transition. He pays for his hormone therapy and the needles he needs. In the version that Leona is trans masc probably gave him a hand-me down binder. His grandma really doesn’t care, coming out to her was easy “Hey grandma I’m trans” “that’s great now go grab my cigarettes”

All of the octo trio are trans because they’re my favorites and this in the highest honor I can give them.

Azul is nonbinary (he/they), he’s simple.

Jade is trans fem agender, they are in charge of making sure Floyd takes his T, otherwise he’d forget. They are on estrogen themself and Floyd calls them boob pills

Floyd is a trans guy because he is my favorite character and he just like me fr. Either doesn’t bind at all and does not care or forgets to take off his binder and wonders why his chest hurts all the time. That binder also needs to be WASHED. It is holding on for dear life. Jade helps Floyd take his T because Floyd can’t be trusted around sharp objects

The Tweels mom and dad didn’t care that much either. Idk what the merfolks view of gender is so you can make it up yourself. But I like to think that they don’t really care

Jamil is trans fem but hasn’t come out to her parents yet. Wants to fully transition but hasn’t been able too. Is a trans girl that wants to watch the world burn and I am in love with her. Send love to your local trans woman today

Vil is also Trans fem but could probably make her own estrogen if she really wanted too but going to a doctor is much safer and she has the means to do so. Trans lesbian, you can’t fight me on this I’m literally Yana

I DONT KNOW WHAT ROOK IS BUT HE IS QUEER. That is a queer guy, either by sexuality or gender. I don’t know what he is but we gotta find out NOEW. He can’t keep getting away with this

Epel is a trans guy, his story has trans vibes going through them. With the whole looking like a girl and wanting to be more manly. He’s on puberty blockers but Vil is working out with his family to get him on T. Probably has him a high testosterone diet to help out. Her and Rook definitely teach Epel everything he’d need to know to transition. (Found family goes brrrr), his family is supportive just more confused than anything. They love and support him they just don’t have the money to help him get that far in his transition

Idia is a sweaty trans masc nonbinary xeno pronoun user. Doesn’t use his xeno pronouns in real life but uses them online. He/they/it pronouns and Glitch/Glitchself Code/Codeself xeno pronoun user. He came out recently to his family so they are a bit confused but they have enough money to help his transition. Ortho makes sure he takes off his binder so he doesn’t hurt himself with it and reminds him to take his medication (both hormone blockers and anxiety medication)

Ortho is a robot, but he uses xeno pronouns like his brother to make him feel better. He’s a sweet little guy who loves his brother not much to say

Malleus is a trans woman because twisted wonderland is good but they need more trans women. Idk what fae culture thinks about gender but they probably don’t care that much. Malleus can probably transition through magic but just doesn’t want to. She doesn’t have body dysphoira just social dysporia other than that she’s doing just fine

Lilia is nonbinary just cause he’s a silly little guy. Nonbinary (he/him), just a silly guy

Crewel is an older trans guy and queer guy. Definitely has knowledge about trans laws and informs his trans students of them. Wants Crowley to add a gender studies class but we all know how useful Crowley is

Sam is a trans guy, why you may ask? Because Sam is like one of the most common names trans guys pick. That or he’s nonbinary. Transitioned a long time ago, is open about it and helps out NRC’s trans/queer students when he can. Sells binders and feminine clothing

How would this work if NRC is an all boys college? I dunno and I don’t care so don’t make a comment questioning it. This is for the fun of it. I also have headcannons about what mental disorder some twst characters might have so that might be my next post. Psychology is a special interest of mine and you can’t escape me talking about it

Thank you tri-state area 

[lostlegendaerie]

listen I know gender is kind of made up by capitalism to sell razors but I ALSO wish I could take a quiz to try to figure out what two word description could summarize "AFAB who would never pass without top surgery and three years of nonstop arm day who likes makeup and sometimes even a skirt but also delights in being called he/him and sometimes gets dysporia about their own voice BUT is more attracted to masculine people than feminine ones so butch feels appropriative" bc for now I'm just gonna keep using queer and hope thats enough

[magioffire]

my new favorite thing to do is whenever reactionaries say to me '42%' (in reference to transgender suicide rates) when they find out im trans and wanna Epicly Own Their Local Tranny, ive been retorting back with '90% percent" and then linking articles showing anywhere between 85 and 95%+ good mental and physical prognosis rates for transgender people of all ages following gender affirming care. some of these trials took place over the course of 40 years.

like funny you should mention trans suicide, heres the solution: gender affirming care. fucking let us get medicine and care, throughout our entire lives. its been thoroughly proven!! treat our gender dysporia (however that may look. for some people social transition is enough, for others it is not), destigmatize us, and watch those suicide rates drop

then the mask comes off that they dont really care about trans people especially not trans youth and just dont want us to exist lol