#eh - either way I'm doing both

[maci-lena]

Similarly, I've done a collogue of Every Silksong character announced at the time, after doing the one for Hollow Knight. Obviously, this is outdated thanks to the Switch 2 Direct, but I accepted that fact a long time ago.

And yes, once the game's finally out, I'm going to back and redo this. (Maybe a month after the game's release, 'cause I'd want to actually play the game.)

(And here's your chance to get a close-up)

[hadesknockedupintheunderworld]

I think the theme of "home", while not always in the forefront, is something that interests me about the Sonic Movie Universe (in a similar way it interested me during Prime)

For Movie!Sonic, home is where you make it first and where your family is second. After his guardian died, he presumably jumped from place to place, and it was a while before he had a stable home. He made himself a home on earth and fell in love with the land and the culture. But you get the sense that as long as he's in hiding and ostracized all the time, it never fully feels like home. So it's important that he got to really experience earth and living in Movie 1 with Tom. It's important that he made earth his home, and then made the Wachowski household his base. No matter where he goes on earth and beyond, he has a family he chose and who chose him he can come back to and be himself around. "Home" for Movie!Sonic began with necessity, progressed due to his growing attachment to earth and what it offers, and fully settled in with him having a more permanent place in this world and support.

For Movie Tails, I surmise that "home" to him is where Sonic is. He was ostracized (possibly even bullied/picked on) back home for his two tails. After listening to some of his lines in movie 2, Tails read to me like a character who'd been treated as weird or an outcast and ended up isolating himself as a result. I got the impression that when he wasn't indulging in his love of technology/mechanics (or perhaps even at the same time) he was holed up in his base, watching a live stream of Sonic and his adventures, even after the conclusion of the first movie's events. He knows everything about Sonic, down to knowing that he doesn’t take showers, before even meeting him properly. Tails is not at home on earth nor particularly entranced by earth itself (in opposition to Sonic, who became entranced with it). He only even goes there to warn Sonic and to help him out. But Sonic's place—Sonic's home—is on Earth, in Green Hills, with Tom and Maddie, and Tails has formed an actual bond of friendship with the hedgehog he formed a possibly parasocial relationship with used to watch on a screen. Before, I think Tails was just content with watching or being helpful. But now? Now that he's spent time with Sonic, Sonic makes him feel normal. Sonic makes him feel like even "weirdos" can do great things. Sonic makes him feel valued. He's no longer content just watching because Sonic is more his home than the place he grew up in ever was. Home to him is with the people you choose, the people who make you feel at home, the people you want to be around. The Wachowski household is Sonic's home because he loves earth, green hills, and because he has mutually taken Tom and Maddie as his parents. Earth and the Wachowski household are only Tails' home as long as Sonic is there.

And for Knuckles... He has the set up to fall in love with earth in a similar way Sonic did. He grew up/was born in a similar place to him. And yet, all of the beautiful nature on earth doesn't matter to him. Knuckles, as of the beginning of the Knuckles series, had adopted a different approach to Sonic. Sonic tried to make home for himself wherever he could, no matter how many worlds he'd jumped to. In contrast, Knuckles never bothered to do this. He only pursued the mission, never bothering to make a home when he'd be off to the next world soon enough (especially if it seemed trivial in the face of his life's mission). And it's pointed that although he's able to participate in what earth offers the same way Sonic is in movie 1 (Knuckles learning how to bowl or Sonic going to a bar), he is not at home because of those things. He's able to slow down and appreciate what earth offers, the same things he couldn't bring himself to acknowledge before, and yet he's not at home on earth because it's beautiful or because it has food he likes or whatever. He very pointedly makes a connection with Wade and his family. The Whipple family is home. Not the earth, not even the house itself. He feels comfortable when with them, he enjoys the time on earth he spends with them, and he is able to appreciate Earth better when he experiences it with them (in contrast to Tails, who never had any sort of arc of appreciating what one can experience on earth to me). Home to Knuckles isn't easily quantifiable (more of a feeling really), but it’s about the people who make you feel at home. It's about the people who helped him relax and feel more comfortable not always putting his focus into the mission.

Sonic, who can make home anywhere, who always appreciated what was great about living on earth, and whose "home" was finally made permanent when he spent time with Tom and Maddie.

Tails, who never truly felt home until he spent time with Sonic, who doesn't particularly care for what earth has to offer, whose home is wherever Sonic is.

Knuckles, who never allowed himself to feel at home or tried to make a home until he began to travel with Wade and open up to new experiences, who began to enjoy earth and yet considers his home with the Whipple family specifically.

Sonic would protect the earth he lives on even if everyone he cared about was gone. Tails would protect the earth he lives on so long as it's Sonic's home. Knuckles would protect the world he lives on not just to keep the master emerald secured, but so long as this place is home to the Whipple family, with whom he enjoys experiencing Earth with.

Do you... Do you get me?

[aroceu]

i'm making this post mostly to vent, but also to reflect.

being in mdzs fandom was the first time being in fandom felt like... "content," to me. like i was a creator who WAS obliged to the masses, who was seen as holding some social power because i was interested in creating works for people to enjoy, rather than enjoying them myself. even though i am both: i am someone who likes to read as much as i like to write. i like enjoying as much as i like creating things for people to enjoy. i don't believe in this dichotomy, and i sure as hell didn't come into fandom for parasocial attention.

one of the problems definitely was that i was on twitter more than i was writing, and i was thinking of ways to game the algorithm so i stayed on people's feeds, because of the way twitter began to work, because of my own anxiety, and because subconsciously i understood the landscape. i didn't like it but i knew it. and too much was going on in my life that i couldn't take a step back and realize how much it was negatively affecting me.

still, it felt weird and strange and wrong to have followers with bios that said things like "don't perceive me i'm just here to read." strangers who would reply to my posts with over-familiarity and rudeness and said they were justified because i had over 1000 followers on twitter, because that is apparently a marker of how you are "allowed" to treat another stranger online. throwing around the terms "bnf" and "popular" as if they mean something beyond being similar to how american high schools work. i saw people group me and my friends who also had a lot of followers as this exclusive class of people in the fandom because we liked making things for other people to enjoy and we had a lot of followers, and therefore they could treat and generalize us all in weird dehumanizing ways because of it. i saw people complain that if any of us said anything "problematic" or "wrong" then it was a moral failing on the rest of us if we didn't publicly call it out.

and like. fandom is not a content creation space. at least, not to me. while i do like attention and making a big number even bigger—like i'm not gonna lie, it does give me dopamine!—i didn't come here to generate a parasocial audience. i came here to make cool stuff and also make friends. and now with people who follow me because they like the things i make and less so me, something i now struggle with that i didn't used to in fandom is: do i follow people back? do these people see me as someone they want to admire and have a parasocial relationship with, or do they want to be friends? this post is a little bit of a PSA as well, i suppose: while i don't believe that everyone in fandom/who now follows me has this content creation mindset, i know there are people who do, and i don't know how to interact with strangers anymore. if you don't want me to interact with you and just want to admire me from afar, i want to respect that boundary. at the same time, i do like making friends. and i want to make friends with people who are just purely curious about me, not because i'm put on this parasocial pedestal.

i also don't think this is a problem with mdzs fandom specifically, or even necessarily just for fandom itself. i think a lot of spaces online have turned into this: where not only your social power but also your personhood, your identity starts and ends with how big the number next to your name is, and is an indicator to a stranger how humanizing you can treat them. make your private assumptions or judgments about me; i have no control over them so i don't care. but i am still a human behind the screen as much as you. i struggle with my day to day stuff as much as anyone else. and i want to make friends over that. i want to commiserate and bond with people; and while i won't pretend that i don't think there is a little more "influence" if the number next to your name is a bit bigger, i don't think it should detract from the reality that if someone has 30 followers or 3000, they are still human.

unless they're a bot.

but i'm also mostly making this post because let's face it: most of the friends i've made in any fandom, historically, have been either because i was a fan of their work, or they were a fan of mine. and that's what fandom is all about—an exchange, a conversation. why are we reinventing rigid hierarchies based on follower count? why should someone who likes my fics or someone whose fics i like be treated any differently, because of the role we play in this exchange? (and why should whose fanfic you enjoy say something about you as a person... but that's a different conversation lol) there are actual content creators i like, content creators who profit monetarily based purely on that, and the monetary profit is their primary motivator in having that label, that career in the first place. but that is not fandom, to me. fandom is not a job and i am not here to profit (all of my works and thoughts are free!), and in no way has money ever played a role in my existence in fandom. it is what it's always been: to make cool things and to meet cool people. and if nothing else, it's a bit disappointing to realize that not everyone feels the same.

anyway! tl;dr if you're interested in talking to me and being friends feel free to always reach out. i also know that my own response times can be spotty (another flaw of mine, alas) but i'm mostly making this post to say that i am not someone who thinks of myself as separate from my audience, and that my numbers/output mean very little to how willing i am to engage. i can get overwhelmed as much as anyone else, but in my heart if you're interested in a dialogue with me, then i am too. because that's what being in fandom is all about.

[eluminium]

What your favorite Hermit says about you! (In the style of Blake Jennings)

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS ALL IN GOOD FUN AND JEST. NONE OF THESE ARE TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. Also all of these are based mostly on vibes and minimally on research. If you wanna check out the guy whose videos inspired this post, you can click here.

WITH THAT OUT OF THE WAY, ONTO THE SHAMING!

BdoubleO100: Chronic scratcher. You've never thrown a proper punch in your life but my god you've turned multiple people's arms into segmented paper after they looked at you funny.

Cubfan135: It's low-hanging fruit to say you're the most neurodivergent person in any room you enter. It's high-hanging fruit to say you're the neurodivergent who spends uncomfortable amounts of time in games like The Sims or People Playground perfecting your handmade torture chambers and killing machines.

DocM77: Horny jail. Your W.I.Ps would get you flogged by a priest in the town square, and there's a non-zero chance you'd actually be into that.

Ethoslab: A majority of the time, you're relatively normal passing. But the times you aren't you are a magnitude 10 quirkquake. This is both an insult and a compliment.

Falsesymmetry: Ah, perfectionists. You poor lot are masters at getting stuck in the "wanting things to be perfect vs knowing you don't have enough skill to make it perfect" loop which leads you into doing nothing and then developing depression.

Geminitay: Out of every hermit fanbase, Gem mains are the ones I believe most when they say they'd kill and die for their hermit. Like everyone else you can just go "haha funny! I am also a fan of hyperbolic humour" but with Gemboys you're not quite sure if bestie is joking or admitting to premeditated assault.

Grian: I get the feeling that you are the type of person who, when asked what you want to eat, will say "I'm fine with anything!" but you'll get genuinely frustrated if they pick something you didn't want.

GoodtimeswithScar: You guys are the embodiment of the bed of nails vs one nail phenomenon. The most traumatic thing could happen to you and you're like "eh" but if a stranger called you mid you would start sobbing.

Hypnotizd: WHERE ARE YOU?! What kind of dark, hidden discord servers do you people hide in??? Hypno mains are like the goddamn Higgs-Boson, finding evidence of one existing in public is damn near impossible but you MUST EXIST or there would be a fundamental error in the fabric of the universe. I can't even poke fun at you because I CANNOT FIND YOU.

iJevin: I'm guessing Vulture Culture is very important to you. If it's not, it's only a matter of time until it will be.

ImpulseSV: You, like him, are a cavalcade of undiagnosed mental disorders that you don't feel like getting treated. Really, the only difference between you and him is the fact that you are a lesbian.

Joe Hills: Your right-wing older relatives call you a woke leftist and your cousins call you a weirdo. What no one will call you is a maladaptive daydreamer because you've at least got the sense to keep that to yourself at family reunions.

Keralis: *sigh* Daddy kink. And that's all the descriptive words you deserve because you are neither slick nor subtle with it.

MumboJumbo: He is babygirl. You want to be babygirl. You are not babygirl. You're sitting on your throne of bones and this man is the bunny you pet while you watch the heroes lose to you in children's card games.

PearlescentMoon: Hello art kids! Specifically, art kids who could not have a normal student-teacher relationship with art teachers. There was at least one art teacher in your life who either adored you or hated your guts and which one you got completely depended on how neurodivergent YOU were and how neurodivergent THEY were. (This includes all forms of art)

Rendog: People who are most likely to be turned into bangmaids by their boyfriend/girlfriend. Look, it's completely okay that you like your partners a little bit cringe and pathetic and dumb, but remember that weaponized incompetence is not sexy!

Skizzleman: You have daddy issues, or you have intimacy issues. You could even have both. Whatever you have, you NEED to seek therapy because he cannot fix you.

Smallishbeans (Joel): You're the type of person who's kinda obsessed with the idea of biting people as a show of affection. Which is unfortunate because associating that behavior with a brunette British man historically hasn't ended well.

TangoTek: Oh my god, PICK A STRUGGLE. Are you addicted to having 500 problems at once and 65% of them are self-inflicted? I can't think of any other reason you'd do these things to yourself because it's not like you ENJOY this, you meet every single battle with the disposition of a SOAKED CAT.

VintageBeef: I know you'd lose ALL self-respect if you met a man (or woman) like Beef in a bar or club. Like, biblical levels of self-disrespect. You'd lose all morals, all convictions, everything you've ever known about the world and yourself, just for a chance. I don't know if it's admirable or really, really sad.

Welsknight: Oof, how's that religious trauma treating you? If you were brought up in a non-religious environment, swap this out with that emptiness you feel when you realize you will never be able to truly convince yourself to believe in any faith, even if you want to.

xBCrafted: Hey diva, how's your mid-to-late 20s going? Still having a crisis over being able to drink fewer and fewer glasses of wine without feeling like death in the morning? Oh, you're not in your mid-to-late 20s? Damn, you've probably been called an old soul your entire life, and I'm not sure you've realized yet that it's not a good thing.

Xisumavoid: It's hard to pick on you guys because you already have it hard enough, so let me give you some advice instead. DO NOT DATE THAT TRADWIFE/TATER TOT YOU'RE CHECKING OUT. I know the temptation is there but YOU CANNOT FIX THEM. THEY WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE.

Zedaph: You could not explain your gender identity to your cishet family members if you tried. Honestly, you couldn't explain it to your fellow gays either. You have ascended to gender beyond most people's imagination.

ZombieCleo: You have a thing for authority, don't you? You want nothing more than for a person higher up the food chain to tell you straight up what to do at all times so you don't have to navigate the minefield that is small talk with people you don't know.

And that's all of them! Thank you for reading through this project of mine! If the comment under your favorite hermit doesn't fit you, feel free to write your own in the tags or something. Or yell at me for being stupid and dumb and bad and knowing nothing about you. We love free will and attention here at the Eluminium Tumblr blog.

[miyukisu]

A Trace of Body Paint .ᐟ

❤︎ Request | He's learning anatomy for his art class—you'll help him, right? 3.1k wc ╰ feat. artist!shidou ryusei (bllk) x afab!reader

tags - lots of tension and build up at first, p*rn with plot, college au, artist! shidou, he and reader are both experienced, FILTHY, dirty talk, unprotected smeggs, rough smeggs, face f*cking, creampies, overstim, no y/n, not beta read

MEGA MASTERLIST

minors do not interact

"Yeah! I'll see you next week for my next assignment. Okay?"

Yeah right... next week...

You didn't peg Shidou as the type to flake on you, especially since he was the one who needed something from you. At first, you gave him the benefit of the doubt, then your mind wandered to impossible territory.

Maybe he found a different person to model for him.

Maybe you weren't good enough a model and he was getting low marks because of you...

But wouldn't that be his fault?

Maybe... he dropped out of class?

Every possibility crossed your mind, but not once did you think of actually asking him, "Hey, what's up with not calling me anymore to model for your art class? You know... THE THING WE DO WEEKLY?"

But pride does get the best of us. You are no different. Either the world ends or he grovels at your feet for ghosting you like that. Anyway, why did you care so much?

Shidou Ryusei only asked you to model for him for a few weeks for an art course he was taking. It just so happens you two were close and your schedules matched (and he thought you were really pretty). In exchange, he'd treat you after every drawing session. Ordinary stuff—that was until you slowly started to develop feelings for him.

There was something about the way he looked at you as he studied every minute detail—making sure they were all transferred to paper. He made you feel so... beautiful in ways you've never realized before. But most of all, you fell for such a creative and passionate spirit.

You were snapped out of your thoughts upon spotting a familiar hairdo across the quad. Your eyes met and you made sure not to waste this opportunity—glaring at him, making sure he knew how much he had pissed you off. Shidou looked left and right, possibly trying to find a way out of it. But maybe the intensity in your eyes worked because before you knew it—he was making his way to you.

"Hey..."

"Really? That's all you have to say after ignoring the texts I sent last week?"

"Eh... must've missed them," he lied.

"What about the time you saw me near your building? You missed me standing a meter away from you?"

"Guess so," he lied again.

His nonchalance made you want to rip your hair out. This hot-and-cold treatment was driving you up the wall. It was clear with the exasperated look on your face.

Though, his eyes never left yours—those same damn eyes that stared at you for hours. It was like there was something he wanted to say, but couldn't.

"Why did you even walk over here?"

He sighed like he didn't gave a shit. "You looked like you were about to murder me."

"Shouldn't you be running away then?" you countered. Shidou simply shrugged. "I'm not sure either."

You were about to unleash your fury, but he sighed loudly before continuing. "Fuck... fine. I've been avoiding you."

"Yes. I can clearly see that. The question is—why?"

"Look. I've been getting the highest scores in class because I have the luxury to have an actual person model for me... while everyone else relies on references on the internet or whatever," he explains. "But now... it's..."

"Isn't that a good thing then?" you asked—confused by his reasoning, but even more confused by his change in demeanor.

He shook his head. "Nah... it's just... I won't be needing you anymore."

Your jaw dropped. He said it so casually like it didn't just left a gaping hole in your chest.

"I mean," he backtracked. "We're gonna start drawing nude figures soon, so either you're willing to strip for me or—"

You cut him off. "Are you gonna draw my face with it?"

"Eh, all I need to draw now is the body since we're done with portraits and—"

You cut him off again. "Then draw me."

"Wha—" Shidou was cut off once more. "You heard me. Draw me," you say, as if challenging him.

It earns a hearty laugh from him—one you haven't heard in a while. "You're saying you're gonna stand butt naked in front of me while I stare at you for an hour or two? You know how that sounds, right?"

"It sounds like you're gonna stare at me butt naked for an hour or two."

You were so shameless, he thought. But it was one of the many things he liked about you. He chuckled, amused by the way things turned. Well... what kind of artist would he be to turn down such an enticing muse?

Shidou let out a low whistle as soon as the last article of clothing met the floor. You used to do these drawing sessions in the library—when all he had to observe from you were innocent things like your eyes, your hands, your hair, and so on.

But now that you have to bare everything to him, you figured the only place to do it was at his dorm. It was like what you imagined: cluttered but artsy enough that you could let it pass.

You stood awkwardly in the middle, feeling a bit chilly with nothing to protect you. But you posed, placing a hand on your hip while looking off to the side. That way, there wouldn't be any awkward eye contact.

Shidou sat down on a stool and quickly got to drawing. He said nothing as his eyes constantly flitted between the paper and your body.

The first few minutes in—you became hyperaware of everything. The fact that he was seeing absolutely everything. The absurdity of this entire situation. But most of all, the way your body was reacting to his gaze.

From your peripheral, you could see his gaze linger a bit too long at times. He'd bite his lower lip every so often and it made you feel conscious. Was he doing that because he could see your nipples hardening due to the temperature? Maybe he noticed the way you'd subtly rub your thighs together?

Whatever it was—it had him clearing his throat and shifting in his seat, seemingly uncomfortable.

Around 15 minutes pass, until he finally spoke. "Feeling tired yet?" he asked without looking up from his paper. You figured he was applying the final touches at this point.

"Yeah. A bit."

He hummed in response. "Get comfortable on my bed then."

"What? On your bed? Now?"

Shidou looked up from his paper. At this point both of you were desensitized by your nakedness (or so you thought). "Yes. Now. I have to draw you in at least 3 poses."

Three?

You gulped. But, once more, pride creeps up. You can't just challenge him to draw you naked so boldly—only for you to back down now. You gathered yourself and sat on his bed which was only a few steps away.

"Go on. You can get comfortable," he encouraged.

So you did. You lied down on your side, propping your head up on your hand. The scene that had unfolded reminded you of that one Titanic scene: Rose sprawled out for Jack to draw.

Knowing that, the moment felt too intimate. But you sucked it up... even though there was an unwanted wetness forming at your core.

Shidou shifted in his seat again, lowering his paper on his lap. "Alright, keep that position," he said, a bit strained.

In this position, you couldn't look off to the side. Your only option for the next few minutes was the wall behind him or Shidou himself.

At some point, your eyes met. There was something in his eyes you've never seen before. It wasn't the usual focus he had; it was something else. Something more intense.

But the 2nd pose passes soon enough and you were down to your last.

"What should I do now?"

He sighed, looking over his current sketches. "Lemme think. I'm having a hard time getting the details right."

"Maybe it's because you're sitting so far away," you commented—not thinking about what it implied.

His eyes zeroed in on you again—caught by your words. You want him to come closer with you like that and him slowly losing his composure? You were playing a dangerous game and you had no idea yet.

Shidou finally stood up from his chair, walking over to the bed. You weren't sure if it was just your imagination, but he was hard. His length strained against his fitted pants. The sight had your mouth watering.

He sat down beside you, eyes never leaving yours. The atmosphere seemed charged with the way you two found yourselves slowly leaning into each other.

"You look great," he whispered. It was something he always said in these sessions. It was a rather simple compliment. But it held more weight now.

"Thanks," you meekly responded. Neither of you realized how fast he inched towards you. His lips were a breath away. You showed no signs of backing away, so he went in.

He pressed his lips on to yours. The kiss felt hungry—needy almost—like he was fighting off this urge for so long. Before you knew it, his weight pushed you down on the softness of his bed. His scent enveloped every sense, clouding your judgement.

Shidou pulled away, breathless. "Pose like this."

He sat upright, eyes raking over your body. This time, he didn't hide the way his gaze would linger on certain parts. His hands ran down your legs, admiring the softness of your skin.

Then, without warning, he pried your legs open. But you didn't stop him. His pink irises trailed down to your core, seeing how wet you've gotten. Shidou thought he was drooling.

"Fuck... I wish I could draw this."

You feel your chest tightening. "Why not?"

"And let everyone see this?" his fingers ghosted over the skin of your inner thigh. "No chance in hell. I want to be the only one to appreciate my muse."

He let his thumb swipe through your folds softly before pressing lightly into your clit, earning a mewl from you. He kept circling the sensitive nub as if in a trance.

"I know what I want the last pose to be," he says. You moan a little louder as he rubs your clit faster. "Want your last pose to be you all fucked out... think you can do that?"

Words got caught in your throat. But it hardly mattered. It didn't seem like he'd take 'no' for an answer anyway.

Things escalated quickly because you soon found his finger plunging in and out of your quivering hole. He made sure to curve it in a way—relentlessly hitting that gummy spot on your walls.

He added another finger, wanting to hear more of your breathless moans reverberating throughout his room. To hell with it if his neighbors heard. This was music—it was art in its purest form.

"Shit... might just cum in my pants from this." He almost did after you clenched down on his fingers, cumming for the first time today.

Even as you coat his digits with your essence, he keeps pushing his fingers in and out until the fluttering died down a bit. He pulled his sticky fingers out before having a taste, savoring every last bit.

He made quick work of his belt, pulling down his pants and letting his member out. Your eyes widened. Not only was his size impressive, but his tip was incredibly swollen and leaky—like he couldn't wait anymore.

Shidou exhaled deeply, feeling the chill of his room brush over the sensitive length. He locked eyes with you again. "Care to take care of me a bit? My hand hurts from all that drawing... and... well, you know what else."

Normally, you'd bite back at his teasing. But your mind was fuzzy. All you could do was wrap your fingers around his length, slowly tugging it at first. The pleasure he felt after being so hard for so long took the strength from him. He almost fell on top of you if it weren't for his thick arms supporting him from either side of you.

"C'mon... do it fucking faster," he ordered. You obeyed—jerking him off as fast as you can without hurting him. It wasn't long before his own hand wrapped around yours as he continued to fuck into your fist. Next thing you knew—hot ropes of cum painted your stomach.

Even he was in a daze as he observed a part of him stained you in such an intimate way. He slowly leaned in, his breath fanning your face. "Hey, can I paint you like this? You look even better with my cum all over you."

You let go of his semi-hard member, slowly tracing his muscles up until you cupped his cheek. Gently, you pulled him down for a searing kiss. It was more than enough for him to know that you too wanted more.

He became rougher—biting your lip and fighting your tongue for dominance. As you pulled away for air, Shidou moved quickly to straddle your upper body. He shamelessly took his cock and slapped it against your lips a couple of times.

"Gonna have to help me get hard again, sweets. Help me out, won't you?"

Though he didn't really give you time to respond as he invaded your mouth inch by inch. One hand held the headboard while the other supported your head. He rolled his hips slowly, gauging how much you can take in at a time.

But, clearly, he underestimated you when you gripped his hips and pulled him in yourself. You felt his cock spring back to life steadily. He pulled out his hardened shaft, letting you breathe. It was only now you realized the grin that crossed his face. He was enjoying this way too much.

He went back to hovering over you, his cock bouncing at every move he made. Your body was jelly at this point—not even a bit of resistance as he flipped you over so easily. He licked a long stripe from your lower back up until your nape. The fresh saliva combined with the chilly air made you shudder.

He carelessly lifted up your hips. With your cheek pressed into his pillows and your ass up in the air, he only got harder at the sight. He leaned down to be eye-to-eye with this so-called masterpiece, your cunt.

His nimble fingers toyed around with your soaked folds, chuckling to himself. "Man, I don't think I could ever capture something so damn beautiful."

He gave it a quick lick to test. "Well, unless you let me get familiar with her long enough." Another lick. "Maybe I can capture at least half of its beauty." Another lick. "Don't you think?"

A muffled sound was the only thing he got from you. "Yeah? You're gonna let me get to know her? As an artist, I'm overjoyed right now. Maybe I should show you."

And show he did.

He lapped up at your arousal, tongue licking long stripes each time. Your legs threatened to give out every time he flattened the pink muscle against your twitching hole. It didn't take long before he started darting in and out. Helpless groans filled his small dorm room.

Big calloused hands squeezed the flesh of your ass, making sure you stayed in place for him to enjoy. He was so messy... so so messy. Shidou suckled on your clit—really trying to coax another orgasm from you.

It didn't take much more for you to cum again, but this time all over his mouth. He happily took in everything, reaping the fruits of his labor.

He gave your ass one quick kiss as if to show his thanks. But he wasted no time lining up his painfully erect cock against your entrance. "Fuuuuck, I need to be inside you already or I'm actually going to explode," he muttered.

At first, it was just the tip. But it stretched you out so good already. The needy whine that escaped you was a testament to that. It only made him grip your hips tighter, surely leaving a mark for you to see tomorrow. Carefully, he pushed in more of his length, feeling every bump of your pussy engulf him.

"Shit. This is the stuff."

But he got impatient, shoving in the rest of his length without warning. It was so tight, so warm—too inviting for him to handle. His hands left your hips, opting to find support on the mattress instead. His thick arms caged you as his chest pressed against your back.

He continued to whisper the filthiest things in your ear, kissing your neck occasionally. But for as slow and sensual his voice may seem, his hips snapped with reckless abandon. He wasn't shy about giving you your third and, maybe, fourth orgasm of the day while chasing his own.

"You finally understand why I didn't want to ask you?"

"Yeah... I knew I was gonna end up fucking you real hard."

"But this is so much better than what I imagined."

His words brought you over the edge, cumming again. But the overstimulation rendered you thoughtless. The only thing on your mind was how good he was dicking you down.

"Fuck... Ryu!" you screamed. His grin only grew wider.

"That's it. Scream my fucking name. Let them hear it."

Your wanton moans encouraged him to go faster, mercilessly pistoning into you. It wouldn't be a surprise if you came another time on his cock.

Shidou harshly grabbed your tit, hoisting both of you up into a sitting position. This way, his cock reached even deeper into you. He kneaded your neglected breast while keeping you steady by the waist.

He showed no signs of slowing—even reaching down to play with your clit. A tear was rolling down your face from how sensitive he made you. But he quickly licked the salty tear off of the curve of your cheek.

He whispered softly, "Cum with me."

Just like the obedient muse that you were, you did. You clamped down on him as he shot rope after rope of gooey seed into you. Finally, he slowed down a bit, letting him empty himself in your pulsing cunt.

As you calmed down and he softened, he gently laid you back down on the soft mattress of his bed. He watched as his cum oozed out of you, smirking to himself.

"My best piece of work yet."

©miyukisu do not repost/reupload/translate any of my works on other platforms

╰ author's note WHAT THE FUCK DID I WRITE DAWG I WAS SO ON EDGE THE WHOLE TIME HELP WHY IS IT SO FILTHY

[heeology]

i want nobody but you | p.sh

synopsis → you and sunghoon have known each other your whole lives and although you've both dealt with jokes from classmates since elementary school on how you two would end up together, that never ended up happening; you two would brush it off and then move on. you never really thought about pursuing something with him romantically, especially since you like things with a more casual approach. but once sunghoon's girlfriend becomes a part of the picture, you can't help but feel these feelings consume you. being the way you are, however, you managed to push them down and you at least thought you got over them until you realize maybe they never left at all. or even worse: they were always there.

feat. → yujin (ive) & sungchan (riize)

genre → college au, friends to somewhat enemies to lovers, romance, smut, angst (eh, ig), slowburn (ig? srry lmao)

pairing → nonidol!sunghoon x fem!reader

warnings → MDNI, smoking !! (reader and sunghoon both smoke), drinking, cursing, mention(s?) of death, mention of hookups, reader is called and referred to (sometimes self referred to) as a: slut/whore; slutshaming, !! potential sh reference (pinching/hitting self; dk if that counts, but it's not mentioned after) !!, mentions of sex (obvi)

w.c. → 22.7k

a/n → long time no see lol. lmk if u would be interested in seeing some pics i took at the enha concert i went to :)) (i won't do vids because i was screaming like a baboon lmao) p.s. bear w me bc ik this is a long one, but i feel like i owe you all since i've been gone for practically a century, but pls give it a chance, i'm on my knees begging bc this took 3 days

disclaimer !! → i don’t ship any idols i portray as dating in this story irl nor do i have the intent to portray anyone in this story in a negative light, this is just for creative purposes, babes <3; this is all just fiction, take it lightly pls and thx

!!DO NOT COPY OR REPOST!!

-

-

-

Today has been a long day. You groan as you take a seat on a bench somewhere near the lecture hall you just left and you close your eyes as you lean back against it. You had originally thought your senior year of high school was torturous, but being a senior in college was far worse. Your eyebrows furrow a bit when you feel the weight of the bench shift a bit, meaning someone has taken a seat beside you. Your eyes open a bit and you turn your head to see Sunghoon next to you. A sigh escapes your lips and you turn your head away, closing your eyes again. 

Sunghoon sits there for a moment, looking at you. Lately, you two haven’t hung out as much and although he admittedly forgot to text you for the past week and half, you were still his best friend. He could argue, though, that “the phone works both ways”, so you’re not exactly innocent either. He’s seen you around campus, hanging out with some members of the basketball team, mainly the captain: Sungchan. You didn’t seem bothered by the lack of contact between the two of you, either, so it didn’t bother him or make him feel guilty that you haven’t hung out in just a few days. No…not at all.

“Nice to see you, too.” he mumbles. You stay quiet, honestly close to falling asleep on the bench, especially with the warm breeze that is gently blowing. He narrows his eyes a bit and leans back against the bench. He does the same as you, closing his eyes as he relaxes, but he frowns to himself. “You and Sungchan seem to be close.” he says, not really even understanding why he brought it up in the first place. 

This piques your interest. “What about him.” you say rather than ask, still keeping your eyes closed.

Sunghoon shrugs, still not really sure why he cares who you hang out with or how often or who they are or…anything like that. Maybe it upsets him to think about the fact that you might replace him with someone cooler as your best friend; maybe he was too lame for you. How juvenile, he thought to himself. But that’s what it felt like, to him, at least. “Nothing. I’ve just seen you guys hanging out a lot, that’s all.” Sunghoon replies.

“How would you know that; we haven’t really hung out or talked lately.” you reply, not meaning to sound snarky, but it most likely came across that way.

Sunghoon scoffs softly. “I have eyes; I can still see who you talk to.”

You open your eyes a bit and turn your head to look at him. “Stalker.” you tease. 

Sunghoon opens his eyes, almost as if he can feel you looking at him and he rolls them, not amused. “Am not…I’m just trying to start a conversation or whatever.”

“About the people I talk to?”

Sunghoon shrugs. “About anything…” It stays quiet for a moment. “It’s just been a while since we’ve talked.”

“And whose fault is that?” You ask, rhetorically.

Sunghoon frowns. “Well, I’ve just been busy-”

You scoff, “Yeah. I know.” You reply dryly.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. Just that that’s what you always say whenever we don’t talk to each other for a while. Like, I get it, you’re dating Yujin, big whoop.”

You’ve considered the possibility that he has just been busy with schoolwork, but no matter how many times you would give him the benefit of the doubt, it always ended up being because he was hanging out with Yujin. You weren’t really mad, per say, just annoyed. Severely annoyed. But what could you do? Ever since they started dating freshman year, you’ve felt like you were on the backburner. Which, again, you can’t really be upset about that. Afterall, she’s his girlfriend, whether you liked it or not. There is nothing wrong with her, you two got along fine, even if you don’t really talk or are even friends. You don’t hate her, not for any valid reasons, anyway. Still, despite how many people you know, Sunghoon is your only real friend and always has been. But it’s times like these when it feels like he means more to you than you mean to him.

“She’s my girlfriend.” He says, matter-of-factly.

You roll your eyes at his statement. “I know that,” you retort with annoyance, “you only ever bring it up every chance you get.”

“You seriously can’t be annoyed that I spend time with my own girlfriend.” He responds with the same tone.

Sometimes, Sunghoon gets caught up in things. Like being with Yujin, for example. He’ll be with her and then it just slips his mind to respond to a text of yours or to ask if you want to do something, he can’t help it. He knows that he’s your best friend and he’s certain that you’re his, too. Sure, Yujin means a lot to him, but you mean more, whether he would admit that or not. He just wants to make everything balanced, for everything to work out. But a part of him feels like something has been off since he started dating Yujin. Sure, he’s had other girlfriends, but never one for longer than a few months. This relationship is important to him. What if Yujin is the one? He can’t screw it up and he’s afraid to, so he makes sure to spend as much time with her as he can. He thought you would understand, but apparently not.

You’ve met Sunghoon’s other girlfriends, none of which bothered you as much as Yujin. Maybe because this one seems more serious. Maybe because she seems more important to him. The thought makes your stomach curdle. This whole situation makes your stomach curdle. You shouldn’t care so much, but you do. You hate that. “Whatever.” you reply, honestly not having thought of anything better to respond with. What were you supposed to say to that? Of course you understood, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck.

“Besides, like I said, you and Sungchan have been hanging out a lot recently. Don’t act like you’ve never blown me off to hang out with him.” Sunghoon says.

“Barely.”

“Not barely. A lot. ‘Oh, Sungchan invited me to his basketball game to watch’, ‘Oh, Sungchan invited me to a party,’ ‘Oh, Sungchan wants to hook up’, ‘Oh, Sungchan this and Sungchan that’.” Sunghoon mocks, annoyed.

You frown. “Why do you care? You’ve got a girlfriend, so just hang out with her instead.”

Sunghoon frowns as well. “That’s not the point. The point is that you ditch me just the same to hang out with a guy who you’re not even dating. You don’t talk to me sometimes when you’re with him or another guy, so why are you so upset that I do the same with Yujin, who I’m actually dating?”

“Stop rubbing in the fact that you’re dating someone. Good for you, who gives a shit? So what if I do the same? It’s only because you do it first!” you argue back. You grab your backpack and stand up as you put it on. You start walking away from him and he watches you as you leave.

“Great talk!” he calls out to you in a sarcastic manner.

He didn’t mean to make you upset or try to “rub his relationship” in your face, he would never try to intentionally make you upset. So, why did he care? He doesn’t, it’s as simple as that. Maybe you doing the same thing to him with Sungchan bothered him a little. Maybe you wanting to spend your time instead with someone else you’re not even dating bothered him a little. But it’s not like he actually cared or anything. He knows he can’t tell you what to do or who to see, so why does he care? He knows he blew you off, so why didn’t he just apologize? Why did he bring up Sungchan in the first place? Sunghoon sits on the bench for a moment, rethinking things. Why was he acting like you were ignoring him when it was kind of the other way around? He sighs and closes his eyes again. He’ll figure it out later.

-

You let out a long yawn as the dim glow from your computer screen shines on your face. It’s three in the morning, and sure, you have a class tomorrow, but you can’t sleep and figure you can just skip your lecture anyway. Even if your brightness was all the way down, it still hurt your eyes every so often, so you would close them to make them feel better while you listened to the show you were watching. You hear your phone ding and your eyes open, your hand reaching for your phone to see the text.

“are you awake?” Sunghoon texts.

He knows you are. You almost always are, which is why he knew you would see the message. Although, he did anticipate the idea of you ignoring him. You were good at things like that, things that required a stubborn attitude. He didn’t mind your stubbornness, though. He didn’t mind anything when it came to you. He waited a bit, sitting in the darkness with just the light of his phone screen, his thumb gently tapping it so it doesn’t automatically turn off as he waits for you to text back. 

“yeah.” you text back.

It took you a few minutes and in all honesty, you almost didn’t respond. But you missed him, which even if he asks directly, you would deny. You wonder if he missed you too, but you shake that thought away.

“still pissy?”

This makes you laugh a little. Yes, you were, but you still found it a little funny.

“shut up.” you text back.

“wanna hang out?”

You sigh. Now he wants to? It takes you a while to reply with anything as you just stare at his message.

“can u bring the usual?” you reply.

He smiles at your text. “duh” he texts back.

You smile a bit, looking forward to actually hanging out with him. The whole argument was dumb anyway and you just wanted your best friend back. And after a while of waiting, you hear a knock on your dorm room door. You get up from your bed and unlock it, opening it as you step outside. He smiles softly when he sees you and you smile a bit back. You both quietly leave your dorm building before going outside and sitting on the curb. He sets the plastic bag he was carrying between you two and opens a bottle of beer before handing it to you. You take it and he opens his own, both of you taking a sip as a cool breeze blows softly. 

“Sorry about earlier,” he says quietly, “and for not talking to you for a week. I just got caught up with Yujin, you know?”

You take another drink, not really interested in discussing this anymore. “It’s fine.”

“I also wasn’t trying to rub her and I into your face and make you feel bad or anything, it’s just…” he trails off. It’s silent for a moment as you both drink. “This week has been shitty.” he mumbles.

“Amen to that.” you reply. He chuckles softly and you both clink your bottles before smiling and taking another drink.

“How’s your love life going, anyway?” he asks, genuinely curious.

Sure, there were other things he wanted to talk about, could talk about, but this is what slipped out of his mouth first. He was actually curious, he truly wants to know. He just wants to see you happy. 

You shrug, “The same; just hook ups.”

He looks at you for a moment. That’s it? You’ve been hooking up with people since the beginning of high school. Sure, you’ve dated some guys before, but they were all assholes; Sunghoon never liked them. He couldn’t stand them, to put it plainly. You deserve better, and he knows that. But he also knows you’re not into relationships. You like things to be simple and direct. But when it comes to how you feel, he knew you weren’t very expressive with that. Only when it comes to getting what you want. He kind of admires that about you.

“So…no one in particular? You just kind of…go after who you think is the hottest?”

You grin, “Something like that.” you take a sip, “So…how are things going with Yujin?”

You honestly hate that you asked. Why would you? Why would you want to hear about that? Surely, things must be going wonderfully if he’s so wrapped up in all that is her. But you’re still friends. It’s normal to ask these kinds of questions, right? Maybe he won’t really say much anyway and you’ll be a good friend for even asking. That’s what you’re hoping for, at least.

"Well... things have been kind of weird. She's been acting kinda distant recently; I don't know how else to explain it. She just seems really bored all the time. Like, the sex is good but it just seems like she's not into me anymore or something." he replies.

You give him a weird look as he brings up the topic of sex with Yujin. Gross. Just...Gross.

“Describing sex with your ‘girlfriend’ as good is never a good thing.” you say as you laugh a bit, taking a sip. 

Sunghoon scoffs a bit. Why did it seem like you were happy to hear that? It irritated him a bit, but he brushed it off. “Well, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s more like…it’s become something that’s routine.”

“Yeah, that’s probably not a good sign.”

Sunghoon sighs. "I know... it's just so weird though. I mean, we've been together for so long, and she's never been the type to get bored like this. It just sucks. I'm worried if something happened between us that's making her not want to be with me anymore."

You look at him for a moment as he drinks. You hate seeing him upset and you know that Yujin means a lot to him, especially since this is his first big relationship. You frown a bit as you drink. “Have you asked her?” you take another sip, “Aren’t people in relationships supposed to communicate and shit?”

"Yeah, I asked her and she said everything was fine, but like... I don't know. I just have a feeling that she's not telling me something, and I've tried asking her multiple times, but every time, she always says everything's fine." he takes another drink. “That’s pretty much what I’ve been spending last week doing, just…trying to fix what may not even be broken.” he mumbles.

You feel bad now for getting upset at him for blowing you off. It makes sense and you just got defensive again, not really knowing what he was doing. You sit there for a moment, not really sure what to say. Sunghoon didn’t mind the silence, though. He was trying to focus on Yujin and figure out why things feel this way when maybe, they aren’t even that way at all. Maybe it’s him. He isn’t sure, but he is sure that he already feels a million times better being with you, even if it is just sitting next to each other on a curb in silence.

“Do you cum?” you ask.

Sunghoon chokes on his beer a little, hitting his chest a bit as he coughs. He looks at you, not expecting your question at all, and as for you, well, you weren’t really expecting to ask it. It kind of just…came out. Your initial thought process was to ask more about his feelings on things in the relationship, seeming more like a routine, but it kind of led to you wondering if he even cums. In your defense, you thought that if he doesn’t, then maybe the relationship is going downhill. You look at him, as if what you asked was totally normal, taking another sip of your beer. He looks back at you, seeming to have processed what you asked.

“...yeah, pretty much every time.”

“Does she?”

Again, not something you really want to know, but you do want to help him.

“...sometimes, but most of the time she doesn’t.”

You suck air through your teeth, “Uh-oh.”

“It’s not a big deal, you know, so what if sometimes we don’t? It’s not about that, it’s just about…connecting or whatever.” he mumbles as he takes a sip.

“So, then what? Do you guys just like…do it yourself?”

“Yeah, so?”

You laugh. You can’t help it, it’s just too funny. Not his obvious pain with his relationship kind of going south, but the fact that he finds this to be normal. You at least found that funny.

“What’s so funny?” he asks, pissed off, but also slightly embarrassed.

“Dude, I'm not a relationship expert, but like...shouldn't people who have sex, I don't know, finish every time? I mean, I have never really had that happen often with any of the guys I hook up with, but hey, what do I know.” 

"Well... I guess, but it's not a big deal to me. As long as she enjoys it, that's what's important. And, it's not like it happens all the time. Sometimes she does finish, but it's just... well, not as often as I would hope..." he takes another sip.

You roll your eyes to yourself. Kind of out of instinct. If you’re going to be frank, you don’t give a damn about her.

You shrug, “I don’t know,” you take another sip, “you say you don’t cum sometimes, how come?”

“I don’t know…it just happens?”

You shake your head, “Nah, there’s a reason.”

“But the reason is dumb and I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” he takes another sip.

“Do you think she’s hot?”

What a stupid question. You wish you didn’t ask it. Why would you want to hear him talk about yet again how hot he thinks she is. It makes your blood boil and you would rather bash yourself over the head with your beer bottle than hear him talk about how perfect she is. But, there is a small, small part of you hoping for a certain answer. Only a small part.

“Of course I do.” he replies, simply.

“So, then, what’s the problem?”

“Sometimes I have a hard time finishing, happy? Jesus…” he mumbles as he drinks some more.

You roll your eyes. You’ve known each other your whole lives, you know when he’s lying.

“Mmm,” you take another sip, “no, you see, sometimes when I hook up with guys, I suddenly don't feel attracted to them, so then sometimes I don't finish. So do you just like sometimes not like her or something?”

He shakes his head, "No, I'm always attracted to her. But... sometimes I have a hard time finishing, and I don't know why that is."

“What do you think about?” you ask, kind of quietly.

A part of you didn’t want to ask that, besides, this conversation was becoming weird. But that small, small part of you was so desperately hoping for a certain answer. Fucked up? Yeah, most definitely, but that didn’t seem to stop you.

“About what?” he asks, actually clueless.

“When you’re having sex, what do you think about?” you ask again, taking a sip of your beer.

“...about her, that’s what you’re supposed to do, so,” he trails off, “Sometimes I…think about other things...” he answers, blushing a bit.

“Like what?”

“Just…random stuff. Why do you want to know anyway?” he asks, getting slightly defensive.

“Maybe that's what's distracting you. I don't know, spice things up with her or something. Or have an actual conversation with her about how you feel or whatever.” you mutter as you finish your beer.

He takes another sip of his beer. “Why are you acting like some sort of relationship counselor? You’ve never even really been in a relationship yourself.”

Maybe he wanted to piss you off with what he said, but only so you could back off. “Spice things up”? Yujin and him are fine, he’s deciding that right here, right now. He doesn’t want your help with this or to even discuss it anymore with you. It feels weird. Besides, he doesn’t want you to think that he’s…not good at sex. Not for any other reasons, just that…he doesn’t want you to think that about him.

You set your bottle down and look at him. “Because you’re my friend? I don’t know. Why do you care?” You hold your hand out, wanting him to hand the cigarettes he brought while your other hand digs into your sweatpants pocket for your lighter.

He reaches into the bag and hands them to you, knowing full well you could have grabbed them yourself, yet he still obliged. “So, in all of your hooking up, have you ever had feelings for anyone you hooked up with? And not those bullshit feelings for your douchebag exes, like actual feelings. Or have they all just been hookups?” he asks, hoping to change the subject.

You open the pack, “Hookups.”

“Every single one?”

“Mhm.” you answer, taking one out and putting it into your mouth, lighting it as you take a drag.

“So you’ve never fallen in love with anyone you’ve hooked up with?”

You laugh, “Fallen in love? How stupid.” you say as you take another drag.

“Okay, love might be a strong word, but like, have you never developed feelings for any of the people you’ve hooked up with?” he asks, finishing his beer.

“Nah.”

"Right, right. So, you're just all about hookups then, and that's cool, no shame or anything; I get it. But you've never felt even just a little bit of loneliness from it?" he asks as he sets his bottle down. You ignore his question, taking another drag. He knows by your reaction that he’s said something that bothers you. Whenever anything is mentioned that may reveal how you truly feel, you just block it off and move on. He sighs, not too sure why he bothered asking since you always ignore these types of topics. Sometimes, he wished you wouldn’t. He wished you would be more open with him. It feels like he can talk to you about anything and everything, even if sometimes he doesn’t want to, but he does anyway because you…well, you’re you. "I mean, it's gotta get kinda boring... always hooking up, never really connecting with anyone. Unless you don't care about that kind of thing."

“Love is stupid.” you reply flatly.

What a groundbreaking opinion. Truly, nobody has ever felt or thought the same thing. Great stuff. Sunghoon sighs at your answer, not really getting why you won’t just tell him. He wants you to. He can’t really explain why. It doesn’t have to do with wanting to get some satisfaction out of helping you or changing you, but rather, sometimes he feels like he knows nothing about you. You’re important to him, more than you could possibly understand, but still, sometimes, you seem so distant; like a stranger. He just wants to know that you trust him.

“So, just because love hasn’t exactly worked out in your life, you think love is stupid? I don’t really think that’s fair…just because your ex boyfriends were assholes doesn’t mean that true love doesn’t exist.”

For some reason, him talking about true love pisses you off. It pisses you off greatly. You can feel your skin crawl and anger boiling up inside you, so you take a drag from your cigarette, blowing out the smoke, wishing it was something else you were getting rid of.

“It’s not about them.” you take another drag, “Do you love Yujin?”

You think you know the answer already. No, you know the answer indefinitely. There is only one answer. Why would he have spent the past three–almost four years–dating her if he didn’t? You think about all the times he talked about her when they first started dating. You try not to, but your mind recalls all the details, how he said them, what he said, how he looked while he was talking. It made you sick.

His heart sinks a little when you ask the question. He stares at you for a moment, not responding to your question right away. He takes a long deep breath before he answers, “Yes.” You sit silent. You heard his answer, but you don’t want to acknowledge it. You take another drag from your cigarette, a longer one this time, blowing out the smoke slowly as you tap some of the tobacco from the butt of it off. “Do you…not believe me?” he asks, watching you. He can tell something is on your mind, you’re just having trouble saying it. He’s not asking to be snarky or anything, he asks in more of a gentle tone, just wanting you to open up or at least just say something remotely close to how you feel.

“No, I do.” you answer quietly. For some reason, it hurts to say that. It’s true, though; you do believe him…unfortunately.

Silence consumes the both of you, just sitting on the curb as time passes. Crickets chirp softly in the distance and the subtle burn of the tobacco from your cigarette fills it a bit, but not enough. He stares at you, both annoyed and concerned. 

“Then what is it? Are you trying to say there’s something wrong with my relationship?” he asks, suddenly defensive. Even he, himself, doesn’t know why he’s suddenly so defensive about it, especially since he brought up the issue earlier, but he doesn’t like thinking that you think there is something wrong.

“Jesus, it’s not like that.” you respond, knowing full and well it is like that.

“Then spit it out; what are you trying to say?”

“Shut up.”

You take another drag and he rolls his eyes, annoyed. “You know, you’re so annoying sometimes.”

“So are you.”

“Yeah, I know, but you’re worse.”

You take another drag, genuinely wanting him to shut up, or for things to be normal. Or better yet, for things not to be complicated. “Go cry about it to your girlfriend.”

“Screw you.”

“Ditto.”

“Whatever.” he says, pissed off.

“Yeah, whatever.” you mumble as you take another drag.

He continues to look at you, pissed off at how you don’t seem to care about anything. He used to like that a lot about you, how you never cared about what people thought and are able to brush anything off. Maybe “used to” is a bit strong, he still likes that about you, but for right now, it’s incredibly infuriating. 

“You know, I’ve noticed that you always avoid giving direct answers to questions. Maybe that’s why you’re so scared of commitment; Not willing to really speak your mind out of fear of hurting someone’s feelings or your own.” he says, hoping this would piss you off enough to just say how you feel.

You roll your eyes, “Shut up.” you say as you continue smoking your cigarette.

“No, I won't shut up. In fact, I'm gonna keep talking because this is one of the rare occasions where we’re actually having a serious conversation and not just talking about petty stuff.”

You roll your eyes again. “I don’t want to.” you reply, simply.

“Too bad. because I am really curious about it. So, I’m just gonna keep asking questions. Like, have you ever experienced real heartbreak before? Because you seem like the type that just throws people away and moves on with no remorse.” You become quiet. Sure, you weren’t answering before, well, barely, anyway. But this time, you feel like you’re shrinking. That type of quiet. The type of quiet you become when you feel like you got caught and you don’t want to admit to what you did. You just smoke your cigarette. “And you don’t just avoid answering questions about your romantic life, either. You do the same thing when it comes to family, friends, and anyone else. You just push people away and never actually let anyone get to know the real you.” 

“You know the real me.” you say, looking at him. In all honesty, you were insulted. He was seriously telling you that he “doesn’t know the real you” after you guys have been friends since you were two years old? What does that say about your friendship?

“No, I really don’t. All I know about you is the surface layer stuff that you’re willing to share, but I don't actually know you. No one does. Because you never let anyone get close enough.” he says as he looks you directly in the eyes, meaning every word he says. Well, maybe not every word, but it is how he feels. He doesn’t want you to get frustrated, but if that’s what it takes for you to finally say how you feel, then so be it. You do feel yourself getting frustrated and you look away, taking another drag. “And don’t deny it, ‘cause you know it’s true. You just push people away and never let yourself be vulnerable, ‘cause if you did, then they could use that vulnerability against you. And god forbid anybody ever find out about your deepest insecurities-” 

“Shut the fuck up.” you say, feeling anger seethe out of you. He sits there, somewhat stunned by your response. Not exactly that you became angry, but more so that he actually got a reaction out of you. He watches you as you put your cigarette out and stand up. “I’m going back to my room.” you mutter. 

He stands up. “Seriously?” he says as he sees you start to walk away. He scoffs. “You’re just going to leave? Like that? Whatever.” he mumbles as he grabs the pack of cigarettes you put back into the bag (the pack he specifically bought for you and always buys whenever you guys hang out like this). He opens it and grabs one, lighting it as he sees you turn around. You walk back over to him and snatch the pack of cigarettes from his hand. “The hell?” he asks, annoyed, as he tries to grab it back.

You hold it out of his reach. “You don’t even like red Marlboros.” you say, almost tempted to take the one out of his mouth, too just to spite him.

“Give it back.” he says sternly as he takes a small drag from the one in his mouth, holding it between his fingers as he glares at you.

“No.”

“It’s my pack of cigarettes.”

“That you bought for me.”

“And I want it back.”

“Well, tough shit, I’m not giving it back.”

“Give it.” he says as he holds out his hand. You ignore him and turn around, starting to walk away. He takes another drag, grimacing because you’re right, he doesn’t like this brand, but he’s only doing this to spite you. He gets even more pissed off just seeing you walk away. “Why are you always such a pain in the ass?”

“Could ask you the same thing.” you yell back.

He quickly puts out the cigarette and puts the bottles into the bag before catching up to you. “I'm not the one who’s always being super mean and acting all mysterious about everything. Like, what’s with all the attitude and snarky comments? You’ve been extra shitty lately.”

“Fuck you.”

He scoffs, “Yeah, that’s what I thought. You know, you’re being shitty, you just don’t wanna admit it.”

You stop walking and turn to look at him, throwing the pack at him. “Then go away.”

He grits his teeth and grabs the pack from the ground. He looks at you, “Whatever. I'm leaving. But just know, one of these days, you’re going to actually push someone away for good.”

“Hopefully it’s you.” you say as you cross your arms.

“Yeah, me too. Because I am so fed up with your bullshit.”

“Great. Go away.”

He rolls his eyes and walks past you, his arm bumping into yours purposefully as he heads back to his dorm.

-

As Sunghoon makes his way to his lecture, he sees Yujin in the distance talking to some of her friends. He thinks about your conversation last night. He had hopes of confiding in you a bit more about how he felt, but of course that’s not the way things panned out. He had no time to focus on that, even if he was feeling even worse now that he possibly lost his best friend for good. Shit…did he really lose you for good? He feels his blood run cold, but he’s trying to forget it and focus on her. She’s his girlfriend, he has to remember that. He walks up to her, smiling a bit. She looks at him.

“Oh…hey.” she says softly.

“Hey…can we talk for a minute?” She nods her head and stands still. Sunghoon glances at her friends and then looks back at her. “...in private?” Yujin glances at her friends before following Sunghoon over into the library, taking a seat at a table near one of the back bookshelves, a little bit of space between the two of them. “Is there a reason you’ve been acting like this lately? Do you not…want to be with me anymore?” Sunghoon asks, just getting straight to the point.

Yujin is quiet for a moment. “Everything is fine.” she says.

He crosses his arms, feeling himself getting frustrated. Why can’t people just be direct like you? Yeah, you’re not really direct with your feelings, but you are when it comes to anything else. “Are you sure? Because you've been really distant. We haven't been talking as often, you barely want to spend time with me... and it feels like you're avoiding being intimate with me, too. I had to almost beg you to spend time with me last week. Is there really nothing? Are you sure everything is fine?” Yujin listens and stays quiet. Sunghoon sighs. "You know, couples are supposed to communicate and shit, right? If something is bothering you, just come out and say it." Sure, he took a page from your book with what you said last night and perhaps some of what you said rang true after all, but he’s not really looking to give you a “you were right” moment at this time.

“You being friends with her bothers me.” Yujin says as she crosses her arms.

Sunghoon freezes for a moment, taken aback by her response. “...are you being serious?” he asks, not totally sure if she’s just messing with him.

“You hang out with her more than me to the point that I had to ask you to stop texting her whenever we would hang out and you always say you’re “just best friends”, but I don’t believe you. Do you have feelings for her?”

“Do YOU think I have feelings for her?” Sunghoon asks, becoming defensive while also avoiding answering her question directly. 

“Yes.” she answers, simply.

“What, do you think I’ll dump you for her or something?”

"She's a slut. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. I don't care if you guys are close, I'm worried she is going to make a move on you and then you break up with me just for her to use you once and then ruin you; She's bad news." Yujin says.

He feels his jaw drop a bit at what she says. Did she seriously just say that? And so boldly? He feels himself become upset about the way she talks about you. He wants to defend you, he always has, but he frowns. What if this leads to Yujin breaking up with him? You did say last night that you two were done with each other, so why does it matter? He doesn’t agree with Yujin, but he wants to save this relationship…

“You really think I'm that naive? That I'd fall for a girl like her? Just because we’re close friends doesn’t mean I automatically get feelings for her and forget about you. You know I'm smart enough to not get mixed up with someone like her.” he says, feeling like his heart is breaking as he says it. He wants Yujin to feel reassured, but after saying this…it doesn’t feel worth it.

“So you agree.” Yujin says.

Sunghoon sits there, feeling like he’s about to throw up. Why is this so hard? Why can’t he just say ‘yes’ and move on? Why can’t he be happy with Yujin? He just nods his head. “I wouldn’t fall for someone like her.” he says extremely quietly, almost as if he never wanted those words to leave his mouth. But they did and it was too late.

Yujin smiles, satisfied by his answer. She leans in and kisses his lips quickly, “I believe you.” she says softly.

Sunghoon hesitates, not glad that she believes him. Not glad that she said those things about you. Not glad that he said those things about you. He’s just not happy. He gives her a small smile and kisses her cheek quickly. “I’m glad.”

-

You are sitting on a bench, scrolling through your phone as you wait for your next lecture to start soon. Sunghoon sees you as he exits his lecture hall and his gaze lingers on you for a moment. He sighs to himself a bit, feeling like he was being pulled in two different directions. The more he thinks about it, he feels as though Yujin was giving him an ultimatum to choose you or her. If she said it outright, there isn’t a cell in his body that would hesitate to choose you. He thinks back to his conversation with Yujin in the library and he feels sick; he knows he did something wrong. 

He walks over to you and takes a seat next to you, just wanting to make up and move on. To his surprise, however, you get up immediately and take your bag before walking away. He sits there, confused, but figures you’re still upset about the argument last night. He gets up and he follows you before catching up and gently grabbing your arm, but you end up taking it away and start walking again. He bites the inside of his cheek before stepping in front of you, “Why are you walking away from me?”

“Get away from me.”

“No.” he said as quickly as the words left your mouth.

You look at him, feeling your eyes sting, hot tears wanting to form, but you blink them away. “You should probably go find your girlfriend, you wouldn’t want to be seen hanging out with a slut like me, right?” you ask rhetorically.

“Hey-,” he cuts you off, frowning instantly when you call yourself that. “Stop it…you know I don’t see you that way.”

“That’s a fucking lie; I heard you talking to Yujin. Or are you surprised about that too since you were in the library and someone like me couldn’t possibly be in a place like that.” you say as you cross your arms, swallowing as if that will help mask your clear frustration.

“...what?” he asks quietly, freezing as he realizes what you’re saying.

“I heard you. I heard you agree with her when she called me a slut. I heard you say you "would never be stupid to fall for someone like me". Well, fuck you. Go be with your perfect girlfriend, asshole.” you say before you push past him, swallowing again, but this time to stop yourself from crying.

“Wait-” he tries to grab your arm again, but you pull it away and keep walking. He feels his heart sink as he watches you walk away. The world felt as if it just collapsed. He feels like he’s sinking and as he watches you become further from him, he feels like he’s lost everything. He’s holding his breath, not necessarily realizing he is, almost as if he exhales, he’s not sure he has the strength to take another breath knowing he’s hurt you; he doesn’t deserve to.

-

Everything moves in slow motion, all voices muffled, as Sunghoon feels himself being dragged inside of a party by Yujin. He can hear and see her laughing and talking with her friends as they walk inside the loud and crowded atmosphere, but he feels as if he’s hollow. He stands there like a zombie as Yujin talks and greets some of her friends. He’s not sure how it happened, especially since it was almost midnight and he honestly just wanted to go to sleep, but he somehow ended up here. His eyes felt heavy as they looked around the room, but he subconsciously stood up straighter when his eyes landed on you. It was like he had been resuscitated, his heart beating rapidly as he sees you and then he sees him.

Sunghoon rolls his eyes, noticing how Sungchan was standing closely to you, how his eyes scanned every inch of your body with some stupid, smug smirk on his face. Sunghoon rolled his eyes again and grimaced at the sight. He sees how you whisper something into his ear, Sungchan grinning as he places his hand on your hip. Suddenly, Sunghoon’s heart stopped again as his gaze fixates on his hand. His hand grips Yujin’s tightly as he clenches his jaw and his other hand curls into a fist, his fingernails digging into the palm of his hand. His breathing becomes heavy as he sees you smile, smile in a way he’s never had you smile at him before as your hand caresses Sungchan’s cheek while you clearly flirt back with him. Sunghoon was livid. He feels like an extra in his own life as he watches you fall for someone like that.

“Baby…?” Yujin asks, loosening her hand and taking it away from him since he was practically cutting off her circulation.

“I’m fine.” he mumbles, hints of anger and annoyance clear in his tone. He doesn’t look at her as he answers and she catches on.

She looks to where his gaze is and then she looks back at him, upset. “Why are you looking at her?” she asks as she crosses her arms. “You told me you don’t have feelings for her. I’m your girlfriend, not her.”

“Stop, Yujin, it’s not like that…” he mumbles, annoyed as he keeps looking at you and Sungchan. He watches as Sungchan puts his arm around your waist and he feels like the air has just been knocked out of him. His tongue pokes the inside of his cheek as he glares at the two of you, wanting nothing more than to shove him off of you.

Yujin scoffs, “I don’t even see how you could have feelings for a slut like her.” she mumbles, taking a sip of a drink her friend brought for her. Sunghoon keeps his attention on you. How Sungchan keeps you close, whispers in your ear to make you giggle and you indulge in it, how he touches you, and how he looks at you as if he’s some sick animal that wants to devour you. “Did you even hear me?” Yujin asks, pissed off.

“Yeah, I heard you.” Sunghoon mumbles as he continues watching the two of you.

Yujin glares at him and then grabs his hand, dragging him away from her friends. Sunghoon just goes along with it and as Yujin starts dragging him upstairs, Sungchan leas in and kisses you. Sunghoon’s eyes widen as he continues going upstairs with Yujin, her dragging him into an empty bedroom and closes the door behind them. Sunghoon feels like all thoughts had escaped him when he saw that and he stands there with only one thing on his mind: you.

“Let’s have sex.” Yujin says as she looks at him.

Sunghoon snaps out of it and looks at her, feeling like this is his first time seeing her tonight. He looks at her in confusion, not wanting to since he only has you on his mind, but he doesn’t want to upset her any further, so he nods his head. Yujin pulls him towards her and kisses him. He hesitates, feeling himself grimace, but he tries to ignore it and kiss her back. He doesn’t want to be up here with her, he wants to be down there with you. As they continue to kiss, Yujin begins to undress herself and Sunghoon feels himself tense up. He tries to forget about you and focus on her, thinking maybe helping her undress would help, but it doesn’t. Not even a little bit. 

Yujin moves them over to the bed as she keeps kissing him and he sits there, partially kissing her back and also sitting stiff as a board. He knows this is supposed to be hot for him, having a practically naked girl on him, but he only finds himself wishing it was you. Yujin kisses down his neck as she takes off his shirt and he feels like he’s zoning out, not moving a muscle. Yujin moves her hands along his chest and down his body and then stops kissing him as she looks at him.

“You’re not even hard.” she says as she frowns. Sunghoon just stares at her, not necessarily surprised, but he still feels bad. "What the hell do you even like about her? She's a fucking whore who opens her legs for any and every guy. She has nothing else to offer besides her fucking pussy, which probably is already stretched beyond repair." Yujin says, angry. "She's nothing! She's not even special and yet she always gets any guy she wants. Well, why does she get you too?" Yujin tears up. "I'M your girlfriend, not her! Do you even love me?" Yujin asks, frustrated.

Sunghoon knows her anger is justified and he feels awful for feeling like he wants her to be you instead. As he watches and hears her say all of these things, he feels bad for treating her like this, but he also becomes angry at listening to what she’s saying about you. He feels bad for saying it feels like he doesn’t know you, because he does, and he knows you’re nothing like who she says you are.

“Answer me!” Yujin yells.

“I do love you.” Sunghoon says quickly.

“...do you love her?”

He stays quiet. Does he love you? He doesn’t know how to answer that. He knows he cares about you more than anyone else, he knows that even when you two fight, he would never want anyone else but you to be by his side, he knows that you’re the only one who gets him, he knows he likes making you smile and laugh and sometimes when you look at him, he feels like he can just look back at you forever. But is that love? Then, what is it he feels for Yujin? Does he love you and not her? How come he never realized it before? Did he always feel this way?

"Why the hell did you even ask me out? Why did you even ask me to be your girlfriend if all this time, you've wanted her? If all this time you've been in love with her?" Yujin asks, furious.

What is he supposed to say? Has he always been in love with you? He thinks for a moment. He thinks about why he asked her out in the first place, about a week after you hooked up with some guy after you two just started college. Was that the reason? Was it because he just wanted something and he knows deep down, you don’t want the same, so he found it somewhere else? You…everything has always been about you, his whole world has always revolved around you.

Yujin gets up and gets dressed. "If you want to be with her so badly, fine. But just know, she's still a whore. She'll just use you and then toss you aside." Yujin says as she finishes getting dressed. "But by all means, go sleep with that slut. We're done." Yujin says as she leaves the room.

Sunghoon sits on the bed in silence. Just great. Now, he doesn’t have a girlfriend and worst of all, he still can’t have you. He sits there for a moment longer before getting up and putting back on his shirt. Screw this party, he shouldn’t have come anyway. He walks out of the bedroom and goes downstairs, feeling like his mind is in a different place as he walks outside. He stops and notices you sitting on the curb, smoking a cigarette. He feels relieved, not seeing you in Sungchan’s arms, and for a split second, he wishes he could just walk over and take you into his, but he pushes that thought away and just decides to take a seat beside you on the curb instead. You scoot away a bit from him, silence looming over the two of you and he feels even worse. 

“You shouldn’t be sitting here, you know. Your girlfriend might get pissy.” you mumble as you exhale some smoke.

“I’m not with Yujin anymore.”

You pause for a moment, “...I saw you two go upstairs.”

“She just…got upset that I couldn’t get hard. I just had so many thoughts running through my mind…” he trails off, not wanting to ramble on about it.

“Whatever.” you say as you take another drag.

“I wish I never asked her out.” he says before taking a deep breath, feeling like he said something he didn’t even realize he was keeping a secret, not even from himself.

“Why are you telling me this? In case you forgot, I am not your friend anymore. Not after what you and her said about me this morning.” You take another drag, “It's one thing for her to call me a slut, I don't care about her, but you? You agreed with her. You made fun of me. You're supposed to be my best friend and you say I'm a slut and then that you aren't "stupid" enough to date "someone like me"?  Fuck you, honestly. I was so pissed when I heard that. I know we fought the other night, but I never thought you would say that shit about me.” You take another drag. “So stop talking to me about your problems like we're still friends. You want nothing to do with "someone like me"? Well, then, you got it.”

Sunghoon stays silent, feeling as if everything around him is crumbling. You’re sitting maybe a foot away from him, but he feels like you’re on the other side of the planet. “I’m sorry.” he says softly, feeling ashamed to have talked about you like that.

You shake your head and continue smoking. “Whatever.”

“I miss you.” he says suddenly. “And, I shouldn’t have said any of that this morning. I was trying to reassure Yujin at your expense and…that was a big fuck up by me. None of what I said was worth any pain I’ve caused you.”

“Well, I don’t miss you. I don’t even care.”

Sunghoon stays quiet for a moment. “I have to fix this. Not because I feel like it will make me feel better to know I said sorry, because that doesn’t fix anything; that doesn’t make you feel better. I want to fix this because, even if you don’t believe me, I value our friendship more than anything in the world.”

You scoff and don’t reply, blinking away your tears as you continue smoking. “I don’t need you. Think what you want about me, I don’t give a fuck.”

“Hey…” he says tentatively as he notices you blinking away tears. He feels like he got punched in the gut and hates himself for knowing he’s the one that caused you to feel this way. “I know I hurt you…a lot.” he admits. He doesn’t know if you would want to listen to anything else he has to say, but he wants nothing more than for everything to go back to normal. To have you back. To just have you look at him. Anything.

You scoff, “You? As if.” you say as you put out your cigarette. “Don’t flatter yourself. Like I care about your opinion.” you say as you stand up. “I don’t need your pity and I don’t need your friendship. I don’t need you.” you say as you walk away and back into the party.

He doesn’t hesitate to follow you, not wanting to let you go. He can’t. He can’t bear the thought of you actually not being a part of his life, not for one goddamn second. He tries to catch up to you, but he stops in his tracks when he sees you go back over to Sungchan. It feels as though time has stopped and he was cursed with having to watch you be with him for the rest of his life. You whisper something to Sungchan, prompting him to grin and put his hands on your waist. Sunghoon feels like he’s about to collapse as he watches Sungchan whisper something back to you before taking your hand and leading you upstairs. He wants to do something, take you away from him, tell you that you mean so much more and are so much more than whatever Sungchan thinks about you. How you mean everything to him and watching you walk upstairs with some other guy feels as though you are taking away every piece of Sunghoon, breaking him apart. But he doesn’t and an hour passes before you walk back downstairs with Sungchan, his arm around your waist.

Sungchan whispers something in your ear before letting you go and walking over to his friends, all of them laughing and teasing him. You just walk back out of the party, feeling sick to your stomach; as if you just made the biggest mistake of your life; shame. As you walk down the sidewalk, the night suddenly feels much colder than before. You take out your cigarettes and start smoking another one. Sunghoon follows and catches up, “Can I have one?” he asks, not knowing what else to say, but wanting to say something. You stay quiet, but eventually extend the one you were smoking to him. You stop walking as he takes it, taking a drag as he stands beside you. 

You hold out your hand, wanting it back and after he takes another inhale from it, he exchanges it back. You take another drag, staying quiet, as you extend it back to him. He takes it as you two share the cigarette and he hands it back to you, almost wanting to just hold your hand instead. You take a long drag, holding the smoke for a while before slowly exhaling. “...you were right.” you say quietly as you hold the cigarette out for him. “It is lonely.”

He takes the cigarette, feeling hopeful that this is the beginning of an honest conversation, and relieved that you’re opening up. He hands it back to you, “Are you lonely? Do you miss having a relationship?” he asks, softly, wanting to make sure he’s being cautious so he doesn’t hurt you again.

“Not the ones I used to be in, no. Those guys were…well, you know.”

“Yeah…” he mumbles. You sigh and take a seat on the curb. He follows suit, seeing if you’ll say something else, but deciding to break the silence. “So…what kind of guy do you want?” he asks, deep down hoping for a certain answer. 

You don’t answer him and instead, ignore his question. In all honesty, you don’t know. Well, you do, but you’re too scared to admit it. “You were also right about me being a slut.”

“I-I didn’t mean it-”

“You know it, everybody else knows it…and I always knew it.” You take your cigarette back and take a drag. “Hearing you say it sucked, though, but I know it’s the truth.”

“I shouldn’t have said it. I was so caught up in trying to make Yujin feel better and fix things between us when it wasn’t worth it. Not when it came at your expense.”

“I know.”

“I should’ve still stuck up for you. It didn’t matter if she was my girlfriend, you don’t deserve to be talked about like that.”

You shrug and hand him the cigarette, lighting a new one for yourself to smoke. “I don’t care anymore. Hooking up with Sungchan just now made me realize it. Seeing and hearing his friends tease him for it…” you take a long drag, “I knew that’s what I am.”

He does the same and looks at you. “Did you want to hook up with him?”

“No.”

“Then, why did you do it?” You ignore his question and keep smoking. “Hey…” he says softly. He knows you’re avoiding his question, but he wants to hear what you have to say.

“What happened with you and Yujin tonight?” you ask, wanting to change the subject.

“Just…an argument.”

“About…?”

“That’s not important.”

“You wanted to tell me all about it earlier. You said something about you not getting hard and regretting asking her out. What the hell happened? I thought you loved her or whatever.” you mumble as you inhale more smoke, a part of you hoping it chokes you.

“I do love her. But I guess…it meant something different to her. She wanted things from me I couldn’t do.”

“Like what.”

“Like…her not wanting us to be friends anymore.”

You scoff before continuing to smoke. “You should’ve chosen her.”

Sunghoon raises an eyebrow as he takes a drag. “You think I shouldn't have chosen my friend who's been with me through thick and thin over someone who was basically controlling who I talked to?”

“She was just controlling that you don't talk to me. Can't blame her, she probably thought I would try to sleep with you or something. Besides, since when did us being friends for so long suddenly matter? It didn't when you agreed with her about me being a slut.”

“It matters to me.” He says, feeling his heart sink a little at your words. It seemed like you didn’t think your friendship meant anything. He takes another drag and sighs quietly before continuing. “You’re my best friend. I care about you more than anyone else.” You stay silent as you continue to smoke. “Do you really think I don’t care about you?” he asks, softly. You just keep smoking, not really sure how to answer. He sighs to himself as he does the same and his mind wanders to thinking about you and Sungchan again. He rolls his eyes to himself as he tries to push those thoughts out of his head.

“You asked me if I ever felt heartbreak when we fought that night, talking about if that’s why I have commitment issues or whatever.” you say as you take another drag. “Yeah…I have.”

“Was the heartbreak from…” he let’s the question linger in the air for a moment, “a relationship?” You shake your head. “So…what was it from then? Who broke your heart?”

You stay silent for a moment, just smoking “...i didn't realize I fell in love with him until he got a girlfriend, well, his first serious girlfriend. At first, I didn't really care, but then…” you go quiet for a moment as you keep looking ahead, not at him. “The way he talked about her, would smile a certain way when he was with her, like he's never smiled at me before...laughing at jokes they shared...seeing him kiss her, hold her hand…” you take another drag, “holding her hand..” you repeat, like you’re lost in thought. “It's something so stupid and simple, but I've never had a guy hold my hand romantically...but he held hers and I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't do a damn thing but suddenly wish I was his girlfriend instead. And then I realized. I loved him.” you take another drag, “I loved him and he was in love with someone else.”

He stayed quiet the whole time you talked. He took in every single word. He took in how you said every single word, how you looked as you spoke. He felt his heart break for you. The way you talked about it was nothing like he’s ever heard you talk about; so…innocent. “Did you ever try to tell him how you felt?”

You stay quiet for a moment as you swallow. “I almost did. One time. I just felt so tired from pretending and I didn't want to just hookup with anyone anymore. I wanted to be his more than anything in the world. I almost told him and then…” you take another drag from your cigarette. “He started telling me about how he finally had sex with his girlfriend. How hot she is. How he had never seen anyone so beautiful. How he couldn't believe he was so lucky to be dating her. Fuck-” you pinch your thigh to stop yourself from crying as you take another drag. “I felt so...gross. I had never had a guy say that about me, never had a guy be proud to be with me, but the way he talked about her and everything he was saying...I knew he would laugh in my face if I, just some slut, was in love with him; he would feel grossed out or whatever. No matter how close I thought we were, I knew right then and there I would never be like her. Never like the girl he wanted.” you take another drag, “So I didn't say anything.”

Sunghoon stayed quiet again, feeling awful. He hated that you thought about yourself that way. He hated that other people had made you feel that…him included. He hated this guy, especially, for making you feel this way. What a piece of shit. You deserve nothing but the best and this guy pulls this bullshit with you? He was about ready to punch him in the face. “And you’re still friends with him? After he did all of this to you?”

“He’s all I’ve ever had.”

“He’s not all you have, though. What about me?” he asks, intending to make something positive out of this all. He just wants you to know how precious you are to him because he cares about you so much. 

This, doesn’t help whatsoever, and you feel like you’re about to burst into tears. You can’t tell if he’s the idiot or if you are; maybe the latter. But when he says that, you just feel like sobbing, curling up into a ball, and dying right then and there. You pinch your thigh again, to prevent yourself from crying because you absolutely loathe it.

He notices and immediately puts his hand on yours to stop you. He hates seeing you like this and he looks at you, not wanting you to suppress this anymore.

His hand on yours, however, makes you feel even worse. Worse because it makes your stomach do flips and you can feel your heart beat faster. Worse because you know it only carries the connotation of a friend comforting a friend…nothing more. You pull your hand away and continue smoking.

He doesn’t say anything and he doesn’t try to take your hand back. It hurts him to see you pull yourself away. He just wants to make you feel better, feel safe, feel loved. Feel nothing but happiness because that’s all you deserve. But you don’t. He wants to give you everything, and so, he tries again to comfort you. He reaches for your hand, gently taking it into his, it enveloping yours as he holds it as if it is the most delicate thing on earth.

“Don’t.” you whisper, taking your hand away.

You didn’t want to. God, you didn’t want to. His hand felt like silk against yours, but you felt like you didn’t deserve it. Compared to his, your hand was like felt, worth far less than his. You didn’t want him to hold your hand, not like this. You wanted it to mean something, have some sort of value. Not for comfort. Not because he’s your best friend. Not because he felt bad. But because he loved you. Because he wanted to hold your hand and be proud as he held it. Because he wanted to claim you as is. Because you wanted to be his.

He lets go of your hand and stays silent for a moment. It was as if a part of him died inside as you pulled away your hand. All the thoughts that he was having a few seconds ago were replaced by sadness. His hands tightened into fists from the frustration of being unable to comfort you or take away your sadness. He wanted so desperately to try again, but he knew that there was nothing he could do right now. Slowly, he takes another drag of his cigarette, and you do the same with yours.

“Did you cry whenever he would talk about his girlfriend like that? Did you cry anytime he complimented her?”

You don’t answer for a while. “Yeah. When he told me he loved her, I cried later. After that, I pretended like I didn't care. And for a while, it worked. I would just hook up with guys and I would still talk and hang out with him because he didn't treat me like what everyone else saw me as. He never did. And that's one of the reasons I fell in love with him, I guess, but then sometimes...he would start talking about her and then I just...felt worse. At some point, I just kind of felt numb about it, especially after he told me about the first time they had sex. He talked about it like it was so special...like she was so special...and I just decided then and there I couldn't love him. So, I just pretended and after a while, I thought I didn't love him anymore, but one night, he started talking about how he couldn't lose his girlfriend, how he wanted to make things with her work and I felt that same feeling again, like I was going to be sick. Then, I heard him say what he really thought about me and that was the last time I cried about him.”

“What did he say about you? Did he insult you?” he asks as he feels himself becoming angry, wondering what this jerk could’ve possibly said about you to make you feel this way. But, you don’t answer, you just remain quiet and that made him want to punch this guy even more. “Do you miss him?” he asks, quietly.

“...i miss being oblivious to the fact that I love him.”

He feels his heart drop when you say that. You still love him? He swallows, feeling like he’s choking and as if all of the oxygen has been sucked out of the atmosphere. “So…you do love him. You’re still in love with him?” Once you ignore him again, the answer is clear. “You do still love him…” he mumbles. Anger courses through his veins because you’re in love with someone so fucking awful. How could you give all of yourself to someone who is too blind to see how much you’re worth? How much you mean and value you provide to the meaning of life it’s goddamn self? He watches as you continue smoking. “So, you mean to tell me, after everything he’s done to you, you still love him?”

“He doesn’t know.”

“He doesn’t know you’re in love with him?”

“I told you, I never told him.”

This doesn’t help him feel any less bad for you. Some douche was out and about being happy and in love while you suffer on the sidelines? “Are you ever going to tell him?”

You shake your head as you look down. How could you? Especially since you’re delivering this whole pathetic monologue and he still isn’t taking any goddamn hint. 

“Is it because he’s still with his girlfriend?”

“I don’t want to talk about this.” you say as you finish your cigarette.

He becomes frustrated, “Is he?”

“No.”

“So, they broke up.” You ignore his question once more. He waits a few seconds before speaking up again, “I’m taking that as a ‘yes’ then.”

“Why does it matter? Why do you care?”

“Why do I care?” he asks as if this question has the most obvious answer. He scoffs and takes another drag out of frustration. “Because I’m your best friend, dumbass.”

This only makes you frown as you pinch your thigh again to stop the tears threatening to fall. He frowns as well when he sees this and reaches his hand over again. “Stop.” he says as he grabs your hand. You look down at your hands and you take yours away again. He feels a lump form in his throat when you pull your hand away as a pit of sadness just keeps growing and growing in his stomach. “Why are you doing that? …do you honestly think I don’t care about you?” You just keep staring ahead of you, not looking at him once. He takes another drag and sighs. “Have I ever given you a reason for you to think that I don’t care? Have I hurt you like that guy did?”

His questions make you stay silent for a long time. You wish that you could just disappear. Or that you could go back in time and stop yourself from having these stupid feelings. Or…that you never met him in the first place. Maybe then things would be easier. Better.

“Just…answer me.” he says, pleading, almost. He wants you to understand that he is here for you, he always will be and nothing is going to get in the way of that anymore. He wants this to be clear, so he tries to hold your hand again to show his support, but you take it away once he does.

“Are you pretending or are you actually this clueless?” you ask, becoming frustrated, your voice having a hint of pain in it.

His stomach tightened when you rejected him once more. He doesn’t look at you, suddenly afraid to see your expression. He doesn’t know what to do, how to make you feel better. He stays silent for a moment and continues smoking. “Pretending about what?” he asks. You become increasingly frustrated and pinch your thigh again. He notices and grabs your hand again, “Stop.” he says sternly, but you pull your hand away. 

“Jesus, you’re the guy.”

He feels himself freeze. “What the hell do you mean ‘I’m the guy’?”

“Are you dense?” you raise an eyebrow. “You’re the guy I’ve been talking about this whole damn time!”

“...i’m the guy?” he asks, completely stunned. You let out a huff of frustration and stand up, walking away. He doesn’t hesitate to stand up and go after you. He grabs your arm to stop you. “Wait, you can’t just leave…”

You keep pinching your thigh, a part of you believing it will wake you up from this nightmare as you avoid his gaze. You take your arm away from his grip. “Just forget it.”

“No. You just said I’m the guy, right? The one you’re in love with?” He asks, all of his focus on you. You ignore his question and turn around, walking away. He groans and he moves in front of you, stopping you. “You love me?” But you just avoid his gaze and don’t answer his question. He sighs, “I’m not letting you leave until you tell me.”

“No.”

He frowns. “Look at me.” he whispers. “Please…” he moves closer to you. “Do you love me?”

“Why does it matter?”

“You tell me. Why doesn’t it matter?”

You punch your thigh harshly a few times as you finally look at him. Your breath hitches as tears well in your eyes, despite you trying to ignore them. “Because I’m just a slut.”

He grabs your hand and stops you. He feels panicked, not knowing what to do or say. He doesn’t want you to cry or punish yourself. “Stop it. Stop with that bullshit. You’re not a slut, don’t you dare ever call yourself that.”

“You said it yourself. You agree with everyone else. I know you don't feel the same. I know you'll never talk about me the way you talk about Yujin or see me the way you see her. I know you said you guys broke up, but so what? I know what I am and I know that's all I'll ever be.”

He feels tears prick his own eyes as he listens to you. He shakes his head, “Stop that. Stop saying that I’ll never feel the same. Stop saying that you’re just a slut.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter! It matters to me. You’re not just “some slut”. You’re my best friend.”

You frown as you feel the urge to cry become stronger. You take your hand away and you pinch your thigh again, just wanting the tears to go away. What he said made you feel awful. It’s not what you wanted to hear. You didn’t want to be just that…and he just kept reminding you that that’s all you are. “...do you honestly think that makes me feel better?”

He frowns, “Fine. Maybe it doesn’t make you feel better. But it should. Because it’s the fucking truth.”

“Are you even thinking about what I told you? Are you even thinking about how you're the guy I've been talking about? How every time you talked about Yujin, every time I saw you hold her hand, how you talked about her when you told me about the first time you guys had sex, that I just wanted to curl up and die? You don't get it. You calling me your best friend doesn't make me feel any fucking better. It makes me feel worse than when people call me a slut. But I don't want you to stand here and try to make me feel better, because if you think telling me you care about me because I'm your 'best friend' is going to make me feel better, then you haven't listened to a damn thing I've said.”

He stares at you sympathetically. He stares at you as he realizes just how badly he’s broken your heart. As he realizes he broke your heart. 

“I don't want to be your best friend. I don't want you to tell me I'm your best friend.” You keep pinching your thigh harder, but tears roll down your cheeks anyway. “I wanted it to be me.” you say as you cry even though you keep pinching harder. “I wanted to hold your hand romantically. I wanted you to smile at me the way you did with her. I wanted you to talk about me the way you talked about her.” Your breath hitches as you cry and pinch your thigh harder, your nails digging into your skin. “I wanted to be special to you. I wanted you to tell me you love me. I wanted to be your girlfriend...more than anything in the world.” You cry harder even though you try not to and you dig your nails more into your thigh.

He’s never seen you cry. Not when you broke your arm, not when your pet goldfish died, not when your first boyfriend broke up with you, not even when you get incredibly frustrated. He has never seen you cry. But he hates it. He doesn’t want to see you so sad, so hurt, in so much pain…and he hated it even more because he–the one person you loved more than anything else–was the one who was making you feel this way. He pulls you into him, hugging you tightly, just wanting to take your pain away, just wanting you to…feel loved. But you push him away and wipe your tears, and he notices the imprints from your nails on your thighs. He doesn’t even realize it, but he reaches his hand out and gently touches the marks as he looks at them. He touches the ridges softly and your skin feels so smooth to him, so precious, but you push his hand away. His eyes travel up to meet yours and he sees you’ve stopped crying.

“Why wouldn’t you just have told me how you felt?” he asks, quietly.

“For starters, you had a girlfriend. The other reason: it doesn’t matter.”

“What if I never got with Yujin? What if I was single the whole time?”

“I didn’t realize I loved you until you started dating her…”

“Why her? I’ve dated other girls before, so why her?”

You shrug, “She’s the only one you really seemed to be serious about…the only one you told you loved. Besides…I’m not some sort of homewrecker.”

“I wish you told me.” he whispers. “You were never going to tell me?”

“No.”

“So, you were just hoping I would never find out?”

“Yes.”

“So, you were just going to keep that secret for the rest of your life?”

“Yeah.”

“So, you were just going to live with that pain forever?”

“Are you going to keep asking the same question?”

“I just want to know…” he says as if he’s desperate. “Why…why would you not tell me?”

“Because you were with Yujin! Because you kept telling me how much you loved her! How pretty you thought she was, how happy you were to be with her, how smart and kind and funny and fucking perfect you thought she was! You were happy. You were happy with someone who wasn't me and although that killed me, you were happy. I couldn't do that to you.” you say as your voice breaks.

“So that justified you suffering in silence? Why would you rather see me happy while you were in pain?”

You look at him like the answer was obvious. How does he not get it? You stare at him as you remain quiet, looking at him as if it’s your last time. “Because I love you.” you say, softly.

He feels like you’re looking at him as if he is the most special person to walk on earth. He swallows out of nervousness as he realizes you gave him your heart completely. “You love me so much that you were willing to put yourself through hell just to see me be happy?” He doesn’t feel worthy of that…but you seem to think he is. You love him.

“Wouldn’t you have done the same for Yujin?”

You don’t want to hear him answer this. You don’t want to know, but you feel like he doesn’t understand. You feel like you keep repeating yourself and he’s relishing in it. 

He doesn’t know how to answer. Would he? Hearing how you describe your love for him, he realizes what he felt for Yujin maybe wasn’t love. Maybe it was comfort. Or security. Or the fact that someone wanted to be with him so seriously. Maybe he did love her, but…not the way you love him. This sounds like love. This sounds like what he was supposed to feel. “Yes…” he says, not really sure if that’s true. He wants to believe he loves her. He wants to believe he didn’t waste almost four years on something that ends up meaning absolutely nothing. He has to love her.

“Then you get it.”

“Did you just hope we would break up one day so you and I would get together?”

You sigh, “You still don't get it. I know you don't feel the same way. I know I am not the type of girl you want to be with. I'm not the type of girl any guy wants to be with seriously.”

How could you say that about yourself? Sunghoon doesn’t believe any of that, not for a single fucking second. “That isn’t true. You’re smart, kind, funny, and pretty.”

“Stop.”

“No. It’s true. Everything I just said is true. You think no guy would be able to fall in love with you, but they would. You would make an awesome girlfriend.” he tries to reassure you.

You don’t want any guy.

“You’re not making me feel better.”

“What am I supposed to do, then? Agree with the bullshit you’re saying about yourself? Because that’s not fucking happening.”

“What I want you to say…you can’t.”

“Try me. Tell me.”

You just look at him. He doesn’t get it. He isn’t saying it because he doesn’t feel the same. This realization makes you feel like you’re crumpling. You look at him, defeated. If you have to tell him, you know he would only say it to make you feel better, not because he actually wants to. That. That’s what hurts the most. He would say it because you’re his best friend…but you don’t want to be.

“...are you going to try and get back together with Yujin?”

He pauses. He thinks about it for a second. “Right now…I don’t know. I guess a part of me wants to try still. Does that make me shitty?” He’s not sure why he does. Yujin is the first girl he’s ever told he loved…and he doesn’t say it often. Maybe he’s like you, in a way. He doesn’t really like saying stuff like that. It felt weird when he said it. But he thinks that’s just because he’s never said it before. 

“Why would I?”

“I feel like an asshole for even considering it after everything you’ve told me-”

“She’s the one you love.”

“I’m not so sure about that.” he says, truthfully. He just needs to think. He just needs one damn second to think.

“Then let me make it clear: be with her. From my perspective, she's the one you want. What I told you, how I so stupidly cried in front of you, that doesn't matter. I told you this earlier: you should've chosen her. So just, make up with her tomorrow or whatever and be with her.” you swallow. “...but I can't be your friend.”

He sees you giving up. He hears it. He hates it. His mind is running a thousand miles per minute, he can’t fucking think and it’s pissing him off. “It’s not that easy. I can’t just ‘choose’ between the two of you. I’m confused, I just…I want to be with whoever makes me happy.”

He’s always been happy with you. Sure, you two fought, but you always got over it. You make him happy. So goddamn happy. But he’s scared. He just gave nearly four years of his life to Yujin…what if it’s because he does love her? 

“That’s her.”

“How are you so sure it’s not you?”

“I know.”

He groans in frustration. “So, I have to choose between the two of you?”

You. He chooses you. He’s not sure about the rest of it, but all he knows is that he chooses you. Four years with Yujin doesn’t compare to the years you and him have had together. Nothing else matters. You. Just you.

“Just be with her.”

“What if I want to be with you?”

He hasn’t thought about it. Maybe he chooses you only as a best friend. What if he doesn’t choose you for love? …does he love you? He recalls the teasing from classmates when you guys were younger, but he's never really given any thought to it possibly becoming real. Does he love you the same way he loves Yujin? Does he even love Yujin? He doesn’t know…he just doesn’t know.

“You don’t.”

“And what makes you so sure that I choose Yujin over you? What makes you so sure you’re ‘not enough’ for me?”

“...because you would’ve chosen me first.”

“I can still choose you.”

You sigh, “You're making this complicated. You know she's the one you love, stop feeling bad for me like I'm some lost puppy and just admit it. I don't want your pity and I certainly don't want you to say you ‘choose me’ because you're confusing your pity for feelings. Stop saying I'm this great girl and stop saying any guy would be lucky to have me, that makes me feel worse. So just make up with Yujin and get back with her. Reassure her that you love her because you do and tell her I won't be a problem anymore because you and I aren't anything anymore. Problem solved.”

Is this really what you believed? Is this really what you thought? He just needed some time, he can’t think. He doesn’t know what to think anymore. You were speaking as if it was impossible for him to love you, but what if he does? How is he supposed to know? How did he know with Yujin? He’s questioning whether he even loved her since he can’t even compare how he feels about you with whatever he felt with her. He just knows it’s stronger. But stronger in what way? He sees how you’re looking at him and he realizes the only way for him to succeed in making you feel better–which is what he truly wants–is to just listen to you. He doesn’t want to. But he wants to see you be happy, even if it means he isn’t.

“Are you really sure this is what you want me to do?” he barely asks, the words leaving his mouth without any fervor, as if he never wanted to utter them in the first place. As if he doesn’t want to hear your answer; see you walk out of his life.

You don’t answer him. You just look at him before walking past him. You hold your breath, knowing that once you exhale, you’re going to start sobbing. You felt so lonely. So lonely. You’ve always had him…and then you lost him to Yujin…and now, you’ve lost him for good.

He doesn’t turn around to look at you as you walk away, because he knows if he does, he will run after you and that clearly isn’t what you want. You want to let him go, at least that’s how he understands it. He doesn’t want that. He wants you. He knows that much, he knows he needs you. He’s not sure how things will look without you now. He never thought it would be like this, but here he is. …why does this feel so much worse than when Yujin walked away from him? Why does this hurt more than his actual breakup? The reason is one he doesn’t want to admit. He realizes the answer and he refuses to let it grow to fruition. He doesn’t know why it took him until now to figure it out, but he’ll realize that later. He wanted time…now, he’s got it.

-

Deja vu. That’s what this all feels like. Here Sunghoon was, again, at another stupid frat party around midnight. Here he was, again, with Yujin. He took your advice, he decided to apologize and get back together with her, and these past few months without you have felt like torture. Even using torture to describe it seems too dull. He has thought about nothing but you. He’s heard around campus about people you’ve hooked up with, but he doesn’t feed into it. As he stands here with Yujin at this godforsaken party, all he can feel is regret. He leans against a wall as Yujin talks with her friends and he practically chugs his drink. He doesn’t even want to leave the party because he doesn't think it's worth to waste any of his wants on anything but you. You make up all of his desires and he wants nothing more than for you to be back into his life. He finishes the rest of his drink and to his surprise, he does see you. He stands up straighter as he looks at you, but feels like his insides are on fire when he realizes you’re making out with Sungchan. On the couch. On the couch, you are making out with Sungchan. On the couch, Sungchan is running his hands along your hips and waist. On the couch, you let him. 

You would be lying if you said you didn’t miss Sunghoon. A part of you went missing the night you walked away from him. You’ve seen him around campus with Yujin and eventually, it finally felt like you were over it all. Over him. You wouldn’t say you’ve been getting around quite frequently, but you won’t lie when you say that you did get with some guys to help get over him. It didn’t work. But you won’t admit to that. To you, at least, you’re over it. Over him. Sungchan helped a bit with some of the lonely nights, but you two aren’t anything serious. He’s not into that sort of thing and, hey, neither are you…so this is fine. He doesn’t lie to you about how he feels or what he wants and for that, you’re grateful. Although, you do have to admit, making out with him feels boring. Being with him feels boring. It’s not fun like it used to be…and even then, you aren’t completely sure it was even fun in the first place. Whatever, you’ll get into it at some point.

Sunghoon watches, now it really feels like deja vu. Is he dreaming? Or…is this him getting a second chance? Is this when he can finally pull you away from Sungchan and be there for you? Finally tell you how he feels? How he felt the whole time…? Suddenly, his spirits are slightly lifted, that is, until Yujin crosses her arms and scoffs before shoving him. Sunghoon is surprised and turns his attention towards her. Some people look at them, but Yujin doesn’t care, she just looks at Sunghoon, furious.

“Do you even want me to be your girlfriend?”

Maybe honesty wouldn’t be best right now. “I do…”

“Then stop looking at her.”

“Let’s…not make a scene.” he says, trying to calm her down.

“Just be honest for once: do you love me or her?”

He doesn’t know how to answer. He knows his answer, he’s had months to figure it out. But…you made yourself clear. You were done with each other. He sighs. “Can I get a moment to figure it out?” he asks, honestly a bit surprised he didn’t just cave and reassure her.

Yujin frowns and scoffs. “Let me ask you this, then. Do you wish that you were making out with her?”

He looks back at you and Sungchan, seeing him whisper something to you and you giggling before he kisses you again. He looks back at Yujin. “Yeah.” he swallows, gathering all of his courage. “But, that sounds…awful. It’s like you want me to admit I regret getting back together with you or something-”

“Do you?”

“Yes.” he answers without hesitation. He feels all of his muscles tense up. Did he really just say that? Well…it’s the truth, but he never thought he would say it. He feels…better.

Yujin quickly squashes that by slapping him, “We’re done.” she says before storming out, her friends following. Sure, the slap hurt, but as Sunghoon looks back at you and Sungchan…the pain from the slap seems so insignificant in comparison.

You decide to tell Sungchan you’re getting a drink, so you get up from the couch and go into the kitchen. You pour yourself a drink and once you do, you walk to the backyard and take a seat on the patio. 

Sunghoon figures you want to be alone…but finds himself following you outside anyway. He walks over to you cautiously. You and him have spoken consistently for practically your whole lives, but he finds himself struggling to even say a simple sentence or ask a question. The time you’ve spent apart was multiple days…too many fucking days in his opinion. He can’t stand it. “Can I sit here?” he asks, referencing the spot beside you. You shrug as you take a sip of your drink. He feels relieved, baby steps, right? He takes a seat beside you and thinks for a moment on how to keep the conversation going. “So…what were you telling Sungchan?” …has he lost the ability to socialize or something because why was this the question he asks? He bites his bottom lip a bit in frustration at himself.

“Spying on me?” you tease as you extend your cup, offering him some.

Sunghoon chuckles softly and shakes his head. Hearing your voice for the first time in months makes him remember just how much he’s missed you. He feels like everything in his life is restored and he smiles a bit. “You guys were all over each other on the couch, is it really weird for me to wonder?”

You shrug, “I mean, just typical flirting and dirty talk or whatever. Why?”

He feels his breath catch in his throat. “Dirty talk”?...what the fuck? “Um…no reason…I guess I was just…curious or something.” he mumbles.

“Are you here with Yujin?” you ask as you take another sip of your drink.

He shakes his head. “Well, not anymore. She broke up with me so…I’m alone now.” he realizes how that might’ve come off. “Alone here now…not…me alone altogether…or anything.” he cringes and looks away from you, feeling completely stupid. 

“What? Why did she break up with you?”

“She…saw me…looking at you and Sungchan…so she broke up with me.” he says, not really wanting to say the other stuff from the argument. You laugh in response and he frowns. “Don’t laugh.”

You nudge his shoulder, “It’s okay. If she broke up with you for that dumb of a reason, her loss.” You say as you take another sip.

He smiles slightly. It feels like old times. It feels like he has you back. It feels like you want him back. “Yeah, you’re probably right. It’s probably best I don’t have her constantly being suspicious about me and you.”

“Especially since we haven’t talked in months.”

He feels caught off guard by your blunt statement. Sure, it’s true…but it sounds like you didn’t miss him. “Yeah…we haven’t talked in a while.” You just take another sip of your drink and he looks back at you. “I’ve missed you.” He waited for you to say something back, but you didn’t. “I’ve um…missed talking to you like before. Like, before…everything got complicated and stuff-”

“I know what you meant.”

He nods his head a bit, everything now feeling awkward. “So…what have you been up to? Anything interesting happen?”

“Nope.”

“Really? Nothing? Nothing at all?”

“Yup” you say as you take another drink.

“So…for the past few months, you’ve done absolutely nothing interesting?” he asks, his tone being more lighthearted and joking to try and diffuse the tension.

“No offense, but I’m not really looking to ‘catch up’ with you.”

Sunghoon feels his heart stop for a moment, but he tries to play it off. “Okay, ouch.” he laughs nervously, “So you’re not even remotely interested in talking with me?”

You shrug, “I dunno. These past few months without you, I’ve kinda just been doing my own thing, I guess.”

Your response left him feeling worthless. Like, he didn’t even mean a single thing to you before. Which, he knows isn’t true…but you sound like you mean it. “So, you haven’t missed me at all? Not even talking to me?”

“At first, yeah. But don’t worry, I’m not in love with you anymore.”

“...you’re not…in love with me anymore…?” he asks as he feels his blood run cold. You just shake your head and continue drinking from your cup. His heart sinks immediately. He feels small; insignificant. His mind jumps back to Sungchan and he frowns. “Are you in love with him now?”

“Him?”

“Sungchan.”

“Eh,” you shrug, “we’re not dating, just casual, I guess.”

“So, you’re not exclusive with him?”

“No.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

“Yeah.”

He feels himself growing jealous and frustrated. How could you give yourself to someone who doesn’t love you? Sunghoon feels upset, realizing he unintentionally did the same thing, but still, not to this extent. He knows you. He knows you don’t want this…hopefully. But he sure as hell knows that you don’t deserve this. 

“That’s ridiculous. How can you be committed to this?”

“I’m not committed.”

He groans, “That’s…not what I meant. What do you two even get out of this?”

You shrug, “Why do you care? I get you’re a relationship guy even though you’ve only been serious with one girl, but don’t shit on me and what I choose to do.”

The way you spoke got under his skin. “I care because I happen to care about the people around me. In case you haven’t noticed, I care about you.” But you just roll your eyes. “Don’t roll your eyes. I’m being serious. Why do you feel like this isn’t worth talking about?”

“Because we aren’t friends. We aren’t anything. I don’t need your input.”

It feels like you’ve slapped him in the face, and this time, it fucking stings. “What do you mean we aren’t friends? We grew up together, how the hell are we not friends?”

“Are you stupid?”

“Am I stupid?” he asks, offended and frustrated. He was starting to lose his patience. “No. I’m not. I still consider you as my friend. We grew up together, went to the same schools, hung out every damn day, how is none of that relevant?”

“We haven’t spoken in months.”

“So what?” he asks, feeling as though your friendship suddenly means less than nothing to you, somehow.

“I told you that night that I wasn’t going to be your friend anymore.”

He freezes. He knows. He also knows you don’t just say shit without it meaning anything. He knows you aren’t friends anymore, but he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want you to be nothing to each other. He thought that if, maybe, he admitted he still sees you as his friend, you would admit the same. But you don’t. And now he feels that same empty feeling. “So…you’re just fine with letting us go without a second thought?”

You look at him, “Do you not remember anything from that night? Of course if fucking hurt; I was in love with you.”

“So it does matter.”

You sigh, “It doesn’t matter anymore; that was a long time ago.” you say as you take another sip.

He looks at you for a moment, feeling like his heart has become a punching bag and you were just taking any hit you could. Was this really the same person he grew up with? That he… “How could it not matter anymore? We used to mean the world to each other…how can that just…be…over?”

You look at him, “Because I had to get over you.”

“It’s not that easy. I spent everyday thinking about you. Everyday.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you!” He thought your question was so redundant, he honestly didn’t even realize what he said at first. 

“But…” you sit there, stunned. He finally said what you wanted him to say for so long, even if it was with a frustrated tone, still…it counted. “What about Yujin?”

“She…she doesn’t matter. You do. She always suspected I was in love with you-”

“Well, this is news to me.”

He deadpans. “Are you being fucking serious? I get I never said it before, but…” he pauses; he sees what you mean. “Okay…but…you never once thought it was possible that I love you?”

“No. Because that night when I told you that I was in love with you, you just kept saying I was your best friend. You’re so full of it.”

“I’m not full of it! I just…for fucks sake, I just didn’t know. I thought…I don’t know, I thought maybe for you it was just passing, or something, I don’t know what I thought I just…I don’t know.”

“Right. So as I stood there, crying my eyes out as I told you how much I loved you, you thought it was one sided.” you say as you roll your eyes.

“I…” he feels like he did that night, like he can’t think. “I just didn’t know, maybe something was holding me back, I don’t know.”

“I know why.”

He looks at you, relieved, thankful that you understand what he means. “You do?”

“Of course you didn’t want to admit to that. How embarrassing for you to have a crush on one of the school’s biggest sluts.”

He frowns. “That’s not what I mean. You honestly think it’s embarrassing for me to like you?”

“Exactly. And you knew that. I don’t blame you, no guy wants their girlfriend to be a whore.” You take another sip of your drink and you look at him. “Look, I’m not mad. I got over it and I honestly don’t care anymore. I know what I am and I know that until we graduate, that’s all I’ll probably be. But it doesn’t matter. Yujin breaking up with you not too long ago was dumb, you’re a really great guy, but you’ll find someone else.” You take another sip,  “I should probably head back in and find Sungchan.”

He felt anger wash over him. Not because you don’t believe him about being in love with you. Not because you were going to Sungchan. But because of the fact that you believe the things you say about yourself. You’re so special, so goddamn special, and Sunghoon is so scared as he realizes he may be too late.

“And what if I don’t want to find someone else? What if I don’t want anyone else but you?”

You look at him for a moment. “Do you remember how you would talk about Yujin with me? You may not remember everything you said, but I remember it all and I remember how you looked as you said it. You talked about her like she was the most special and most beautiful girl in the world. You had this smile that you only had with her…” you pause for a moment, “You may say you have feelings for me…but they're not like the ones you had for her, and that’s okay. I don’t want you to feel bad because you deserve to be happy, but you also deserve to find another girl that makes you talk and feel that same way…and I know that’s not me.”

You’re so wrong. You’re so fucking wrong and it was pissing him off. He wishes he just figured this out earlier. He wishes that he asked you out instead. He wishes that he told you he loves you that night. He wishes he kissed you. He wishes he held you and didn’t let go. He swallows, “You remember everything I said?” he asks, slightly surprised to hear that. Honestly, he doesn’t even remember what he said. Not anymore.

“Of course I do…I wanted nothing more than for it to be me.” you say quietly as you take a sip and sigh. “But like I said, water under the bridge.”

He feels tears begin to form. “Why did we have to grow apart? Why didn’t you just talk to me? Just one damn word. Something. I didn’t want to lose you.”

“I can’t be your friend.”

“Why not?”

You look at him for a long moment, just staying quiet. “...I’m only going to say this once…but if I stayed your friend, I would just keep hurting myself…I would still love you.”

He stays quiet for a while. Even the loud music and chatter from the people inside seemed to drown out as he looked at you; you’re all that matters; you’re all that deserves his attention. “...did it hurt when we would talk everyday?”

You sigh softly and shake your head. “Not until you started dating Yujin. Before that, everything was fine. But once she happened…it hurt like hell.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I told you. I couldn’t do that to you, you were happy.”

“I would have wanted to know. I would have wanted to be there for you…”

You laugh a little, “No, that’s weird.” You shake your head and still laugh a little, “It’s fine, I’m over it.” 

“It’s not weird. It’s not okay for you to act like everything is fine.” he says, softly.

“Why are you trying to rehash this? There’s no point. Or do you like to hear about how I used to love you and it gives you some sort of ego boost or something?” you ask, not wanting to dive back into this…not again. He shakes his head, but he sighs. What is the point? You aren’t believing him and you’ve said it yourself…you’re over him. You stand up and his eyes follow you, “I’m gonna go find Sungchan. Later.” you say, not really meaning the ‘later’ part, but nonetheless, you walk away and all he can do is watch you leave…again.

He heads back into the party, wanting to find solace in getting batshit drunk or something, but he continues to torture himself by watching you dance with Sungchan. His eyes only focus on you, sure, he’s jealous and pissed off that you’re with Sungchan, but he only sees you. Sees how you move and he finds himself wishing you were dancing with him. 

Sungchan pulls you closer, just whispering sweet nothings in your ear and you feel his hands grab your ass. You giggle a little and try to enjoy your time with him as he starts kissing your neck. You laugh softly as you dance with him and, unfortunately for Sunghoon, he’s bearing witness to it all. His hand practically crushes his red solo cup as fury ignites within him when he watches what Sungchan is doing. That should be him. Not that he would be so…vulgar with his actions, but it should still be him instead. He sees Sungchan whisper something to you as he takes your hand and starts taking you upstairs. 

As he watched the two of you making your way upstairs, his whole body shook and trembled in rage. Every step that the two of you took together enraged him. He hated the way you casually held his hand and how he casually walked you up the stairs. He hated how he acted as if he had every right to touch you like that. He hated the fact that you were both so comfortable with one another at this point. He hated the fact that he was leading you away to his room…

You were so focused on following Sungchan, you were surprised to feel a tug on your other hand once you reached the top of the stairs. Both Sungchan and you stop and you turn to see Sunghoon holding your other hand. 

Sunghoon felt at ease, like he was grounded when he felt your hand in his. This made him more confident as he tugged you towards him, wanting you away from Sungchan. This pisses Sungchan off and he scoffs as he looks at Sunghoon. 

“The hell?” Sungchan says, not in the mood for any games. He tugs the hand he was holding, pulling you back towards him, but you find yourself only focused on Sunghoon as your heart starts to beat faster.

Sunghoon pulls you back towards him, his grip on your hand tightening. “Back off.” he says as he glares at Sungchan. 

“You back off.” Sungchan says as he tugs you back towards him.

Sunghoon realized that you were just being tugged around, so he stopped, but he kept holding your hand. “Let go of her.”

“You let go of her.” He looks at you, “Who the hell is this guy?” Sungchan asks, annoyed.

“Someone who actually loves her instead of using her.”

You look at Sunghoon, surprised to hear him say that. Sure, he said he loved you earlier…but this time when he said it, he said it like it was what he meant to say; what he wanted to say.

Sungchan laughs. “You love her?”

Sunghoon glares at him. “Yes. I love her. Now back off.”

Sungchan scoffs and puts his arm around you. “Tell you what, bud, you can have her when I’m done.” Sungchan winks as he pulls you towards him.

Sunghoon feels enraged. This asshole was acting so entitled, acting like he won this argument when Sunghoon knew damn well he wasn’t giving up. The fact that he had the nerve to call him “bud” too made Sunghoon want to throw him down the flight of fucking stairs. How he treated you was disgusting, talking about you like that in front of you. Sunghoon tugged you towards him one last time and Sungchan rolled his eyes. 

“Whatever.” Sungchan looks at you, “You know where my room is.” he says as he winks at you before walking away.

Sunghoon grimaces as Sungchan leaves, but feels better once he’s gone. The whole time, you were just looking at Sunghoon and you feel as though your heart is beating out of your chest as he holds your hand. After what he said. After all of this. He meets your gaze and he looks at you in a much more gentle manner. 

“You deserve so much more…” he whispers, his breath lightly brushing along your face since you’re so close together. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry-”

“Stop.”

“No.” he says as he lets go of your hand and uses it instead to gently cup your face. “I wasn’t lying. You are all I’ve thought about for these past few months and you’re all I can ever think about. I’ve missed you every single damn second of the day and I’m sorry I was too scared to say it all before. I love you. And all this time, I’ve just thought about what you mean to me and the answer is everything; you mean everything to me. ...that seems like such a vague thing to say now that I say it out loud.” he chuckles softly, “But everything means nothing if you’re not with me. Eating, sleeping, breathing, blinking, are all pointless if I can’t spend one goddamn second with you. I’m not embarrassed of you and I only realized that night when you left that I’ve always been in love with you. Always. What I felt with Yujin is all meaningless when I compare it to how I feel about you. I love you. It was never her. Not for even a millisecond. You asked me if I would put myself through pain just to see her happy and I told you yes. I lied. I thought that was what I would do, but I realized I actually did that with you. I let you walk away because that’s what you wanted. I didn’t want that, god-” he takes a sharp inhale as he rests his forehead on yours, “It’s always been you…and I’m so sorry I never said it until now. I’m so sorry I put you through all of that shit. I’m so sorry, but please…” he whispers as he looks into your eyes, all of his focus only on you. “I love you.”

You feel your breath hitch slightly and you feel so tempted just to kiss him, but you hold yourself back. You smile a little bit and pull away slightly, feeling relieved. “...I need to smoke. You want one?” you ask as you take his hand, going into an empty bedroom. 

He closes the door behind the two of you as you walk over and sit on the bed, opening the window beside it. He sits beside you as you take out your pack and he smiles a bit. “Yeah, I do.” he says as you hand him one. He watches as you light yours and then you light his for him. You both sit silently for a moment as you smoke, it being a comfortable silence until he speaks. “Thank you.” he says, mainly for lighting his cigarette, but he does want it to apply to you not leaving him again.

“I forgive you.” you say after a moment.

“You do?” he asks as he takes a drag and looks at you.

“Yeah.” you say as you take another drag yourself. “But you’ve got to get better at saying how you feel.” you tease.

He scoffs playfully and nudges your arm. “Says you.” he mumbles as he continues to smoke.

You laugh softly and shrug. “We’ll work on it.” you say before exhaling your smoke and he nods his head a bit as you both look out of the window for a moment. You glance at him and inhale from your cigarette before gently pulling him towards you. He turns his head to look at you and you kiss him gently, shotgunning the smoke slowly into his mouth.

His eyes widen a bit as his heart beats rapidly. He closes his eyes as he inhales, letting the smoke slowly fill his lungs while he leans forward to kiss you back, indulging in the feeling of your lips on his even if it wasn’t an actual kiss. After blowing out the smoke, you break the kiss and watch as he exhales the smoke. He does it slowly, feeling as though his lips are tingling, begging to meet yours again. He smirks a bit after he exhales all of the smoke and looks at you. “Damn…that was good.” he whispers as he blushes a bit.

You grin, taking another drag, “I’ve missed you.”

He takes a drag as well as smiles softly. “I’ve missed you, too.” It goes quiet, but this time, a comfortable silence as you two smoke. He blows some smoke out of the window and looks back at you. “Do you think…we could give this another shot?”

You follow suit and blow some smoke out of the window before looking at him. “Our friendship or…something more this time?”

“Something more. Both, hopefully.” he smirks a bit as he says this, taking another drag.

You smirk a little back and chuckle softly, “I really want that.”

“So do I.” he whispers as his eyes lock onto yours. He smiles softly, “We’re going to be official.”

He reaches for your hand and carefully interlaces his fingers with yours. You take another drag as you smile shyly. “Good…” you say, softly.

Your fingers seem to fit with his perfectly; everything about you is perfect and it was things like this that make him realize it all the more. You hold hands as you smoke silently, both feeling a fluttering excitement in your stomachs as your relationship dynamic shifts to one that you both have been longing for before you even realized it yourselves. He glances at you as he exhales some smoke.

“Good? Wow…I was expecting some more passion out of that.” he teases, gently squeezing your hand.

You laugh before finishing your cigarette and putting it out. You turn your body a bit to face him, “What about…fucking incredible?”

He laughs loudly at your new choice of phrasing. He calms down after a moment, “That’s more like it.” he says with a grin before smoking his cigarette again. His gaze lingers on you as he watches you smile at his reaction. Stunning. He leans in, letting go of your hand, placing his left hand beside you on the bed as his lips meet yours, kissing you. 

You don’t waste a single second, kissing him back immediately as your hand makes its way to the back of his head, your fingers threading with his hair as you push yourself slightly forward, pressing your lips against his more. He inhales sharply as he moves his left arm around your waist, pulling you closer, desperately. He puts out his cigarette and discards it, using his other arm to wrap around you as well as he pulls you onto his lap. You part your legs, straddling his lap as you grin a bit into the kiss, both of your hands using their fingers to gently tug on the ends of his soft hair. You feel yourself fill with excitement, the fact that this is really happening after every inch of your body has desired this exact moment makes you feel restless. 

Sunghoon runs his hands up and down your thighs, squeezing them gently, before moving them up to your hips, and then your waist. His hands suddenly felt so big against your skin, his fingers sending shivers throughout your whole body anywhere they touch. He opens his mouth slightly more and you take this as a sign to slip your tongue into it. He grins, this time, and he pulls you closer to him by gripping your waist; your bodies now pressed tightly against each other. He moves his hands to cup your face and you move yours to rest against his chest, your fingers tightly gripping his shirt in an attempt to somehow kiss him deeper. His tongue glides across yours as he kisses you with increasing desperation. The need for you grows every second that passes, he has to kiss every inch of you, he has to make you his, he has to make you feel loved; the only thoughts devouring his mind at this very moment consisted of nothing but you and his need to ensure you only ever want him. 

The kiss becomes sloppy, both of your lips becoming covered in one another, and you feel yourself craving more. So much more. You bite his bottom lip a little, testing to see if this will make him decide to take initiative, resulting in him gasping softly and releasing a low moan. He liked it. He liked it a lot. He moves his hands back to your waist, pushing you down against his lap and his jaw loosens a bit as he loses his breath, feeling you finally press against his erection. You moan softly, enjoying the feeling of some sort of contact where you desperately needed it the most and it felt so good knowing he wanted you just as much as you wanted him. He couldn’t take it anymore, he had to have you. 

One of his hands grips your thigh and his other arm goes back to wrapping around your waist as he picks you up a bit and lays you back against the bed, not once breaking the kiss; at this point, kissing you has become his oxygen supply. Feeling your hands on him is the only thing keeping him alive. His lips part from yours only to kiss along your jaw, just below your ear, and down to your neck. You gasp softly and your eyelids flutter closed as you relish in the feeling of his soft lips kissing your skin. He takes one of his hands and uses it to move some of your hair out of the way, placing it on the back of your head, pulling your hair softly to move your head back so he has more room to work with on your neck. You let out a soft moan, feeling him leave open mouthed kisses on every single inch of your skin, him making sure he doesn’t miss a single spot. 

He opens his eyes a bit and looks at you, to see how he’s making you feel. He watches as your lips part slightly as you take in small gasps of air, as if he leaves you utterly breathless; you’ve never looked more beautiful. He watches to see what spot of your neck when he kisses it that you seem to like the most. Once he gets to a certain spot and watches you bite your bottom lip a bit, he smirks slightly against your skin and sucks gently on the area. His tongue laps the spot a bit as he sucks and nibbles on it; this was his spot now. You moan softly and you feel your breath slightly catch in your throat as he leaves a hickey. He leaves a few soft pecks on the spot a little after he’s left his mark and he smiles a bit to himself. 

You feel the warmth of his body pull away from yours and your eyes open as you look at him. The moon shined a bit through the window, the light falling beautifully on him as he looked at you with a slightly flushed face. He looked back at you, seeing you laying on this bed, all for him, he felt like he was going crazy. He sits on his knees between your legs as his hands run along your thighs; he just keeps looking at you, admiring all of you. You lay there, looking at him, feeling your body become hot as he looks at you through hooded eyes, as if you leave him in a trance. Your breathing picks up in speed as he runs his hands painfully slow along your thighs and as much as you want to pull him back towards you, you feel as though you’re frozen. 

He takes a slow, deep breath, as his left hand travels up to gently take your right hand. He holds it up softly, separating your fingers with his as he loosely holds your hand, his gaze now focusing on your hands. He raises your hand up and leans in, raising it to his mouth. He softly plants his lips on your fingertips, kissing them softly, up to your knuckles, trailing his lips to the back of your hand, then gently turning it to kiss along the palm of your hand. He closes his eyes as he kisses down your arm--slowly--and gently lays your arm back at your side as he kisses up to your shoulder. His hands move to the hem of your short dress, slowly sliding it up, you raising your hips to help him, and he stops, leaving it bunched around your waist as he goes back to kissing along your shoulder. He gently pushes the strap of your dress down your shoulder as he focuses on kissing your body, moving along your collarbone. He breathes deeply, pushing the other strap out of the way as he leaves open mouthed kisses on your left shoulder, down your arm, his hands gently holding it up as he kisses up to your wrist. You watch him, feeling as if your body is constantly shivering, still dressed (albeit, your dress is pushed up), yet feeling completely exposed. His hand envelopes over your left hand as he kisses your palm like he cherishes your entire being, the way he looks is as if he’s wanted to do this his whole life. 

He kisses your fingers, knuckles, and fingertips, opening his eyes slowly as he lets go of your arm gently. He moves his hands back to your waist, pulling your dress up more and you sit up, realizing your body is shaking, and he kisses your forehead before pulling your dress off carefully, like he’s afraid if he does it too fast, you’ll break. He lets the dress fall to the ground, the fabric hitting the hard wood floor just as softly as he lets it go. It’s as if the room is silent, no muffled music from downstairs, no rolling of tires from the occasional cars passing on the streets, no soft wind hitting the curtains, nothing except the quiet breaths escaping from his and your lips. He feels his erection become even more painfully hard as he looks at you, and he swallows, honestly trying not to let out a moan just at the sight of you. His breath stifles a little as he places his hand on the small of your back, steadying you as he leans back in, kissing the top of your chest. He feels himself growing more desperate, desperate to feel every inch of your skin on his lips, on his fingertips. 

He breathes in sharply as he presses his face more into your chest, his lips sloppily kissing along your chest as his need for you grows. His tongue trails along your skin and he shudders, his hands becoming shaky as he holds your waist, all his focus practically on making out with your chest. A low moan elicits from him and from the way he was kissing your chest with such desperation made you moan softly in response, one of your bra straps falling a little off your shoulder from his movements. It’s as if he senses it and just decides to unclasp your bra, still trying to let it slide off of you slowly and hold himself back, but once he sees you take it off, your bare chest exposed, he feels himself get so close to cumming in his pants. He gently lays you back on the bed, wasting no time, however, to wrap his lips around one of your nipples. Your breath hitches and you moan as he releases his desperation. Kissing, sucking, and fondling your breasts, small whimpers coming from him as he feels elated to finally be doing this. Spit covers your chest almost instantly as he licks and sucks, kneading your breasts, moaning as the soft flesh squeezes and molds beneath his hands. And it’s only until he feels his breathing becoming quick, his dick aching in his pants, is when he stops. He pulls away slightly, his hair slightly covering his eyes as he stares at them, his trembling fingers squeezing and spreading his spit along them, his thumbs pressing and circling your nipples, and you feel as if ripples just went throughout your entire body.

You gently push his hair away from his face and he goes back to kissing along your stomach, down to your panties. You can feel momentarily the thin layer of sweat covering his forehead when you push his hair away, running your fingers through his locks and he whines softly against your skin, his hands gripping your sides and finally moving to the edge of your panties. You wait in anticipation, expecting him to take them off, so you raise your hips slightly, but he pulls away. You pout–only slightly–as you look at him with a confused expression. He smiles sweetly, as if he’s not the one that caused you to quite literally soak through your panties. He’s noticed, god, he’s noticed, but it takes everything in him not to behave like some animal. So, with that, he moves his hands down to your feet, slowly taking off your shoes for you before setting them on the ground. He moves back a little, leaning down to kiss along your leg, stopping at your knee, before moving to do the same thing to the other leg, but this time, he kisses up your thigh, leaving open mouthed kisses on the inner part of your thigh, gently nipping at your skin, and up to your hip. He gazes at you through his eyelashes as he moves to kiss along the other thigh, closing his eyes as he moans deeply against your skin, his tongue running along your skin.

He takes in a shaky, deep breath, and you feel your whole body become stiff once you feel his warm breath scatter so deliciously on your core. He gently places his hand over your sopping panties and your breath hitches, your whole body feeling grateful for some sort of contact. His brows furrowed as he slowly rubs his middle finger along your clothed slit, a low groan escaping his lips as he feels even more of your wetness seep through the fabric as he pushes into it. His mind feels hazy; he has to taste you. He takes his hand away, licking his middle finger and he feels as if his whole body exploded. He moans quietly to himself, before gripping your thighs and sticking his tongue out, licking a slow, long stripe between your clothed folds to your clit. Your eyes roll back as you gasp and moan. His fingers dig into the skin of your thighs as he feels himself lose all sense of sanity. He wanted nothing more than to take his time, but fuck, he can’t do it anymore. 

His lips instantly latch around your clothed clit, sucking and lapping his tongue as he starts to subconsciously rut his hips against the mattress. His saliva soaks your panties entirely as he presses his tongue more firmly, causing you to moan louder, gasping, as your hand makes its way to his hair, your fingers tangling in it. He moans and pulls away only a little before diving back in, pushing your panties to the side with his face as he makes out between your folds. His jaw is working overtime, his tongue lapping and picking up as much of you as you can give, His nose bumps against your clit as he loses himself in your taste, eating you out like a madman. He groans and moans into you, his hip movements stuttering as he licks all the way back up to your clit, moving his right hand off of your thigh before pushing his middle and ring finger into you, making sure to rub them between your folds before he does. He sucks and licks your clit, moaning and whimpering as he pushes his fingers in and out of you, not stopping until his knuckles prevent him. 

You moan his name, gripping his hair, pushing his face against your clit more as your legs shake and you cum, moaning his name. He whimpers and the way you taste sends him over the edge as he feels himself cum in his pants, his jaw falling slack a bit, and he pulls his fingers out, desperate to lick them clean. You let go of his hair, trying to catch your breath and he sits up, his face slick and covered in you, and he tugs your panties off. You look at him, watching as he undresses himself and you feel your body become light as he reveals more and more of himself to you. His bare chest, his abs, god, his biceps, you were about ready to start touching yourself at the sight, desperate for him, but you managed to stay put. 

He feels his ego boost a little bit, watching how you look at him, examining his body as if he is some work of art. He’s going to give you everything he knows you deserve and that thought alone makes him smirk. You notice as he takes off his underwear the wet patch from his prior release, making you grin a bit. He finally lets his cock out, it still being painfully hard despite him having cummed already, and you gaze at it. You feel yourself clench around nothing, wanting him so desperately to fill you up and he sees it. He smiles innocently, as if you both aren’t completely naked and horny before he grabs a cigarette and lights it. He takes a drag as he spreads the precum spilling from his tip all along his length and you watch his every movement, honestly feeling your mouth water at the sight. You sit up and he motions his head to the window as the cigarette sits between his lips. 

You turn and face the window, propping your forearms against the windowsill as you look outside, the cool breeze honestly feeling nice against your flushed, hot skin. You feel his presence shift behind you as he takes another drag. He sighs softly, looking at yourself propped like this, he places his free hand on your hip, lining himself up with you. He moves that hand and gently brushes your hair softly to the side, exposing your back entirely, and you turn your head a bit to look back at him. He exhales some smoke and meets your gaze, gently brushing his fingers along your cheek. 

“Relax…” he says before leaning to whisper in your ear, “and don’t be afraid to let the neighborhood know my name.” he says before kissing your cheek. 

You feel your body shudder at his words and he holds the cigarette between his lips as he uses one hand to hold your hip, the other gripping his cock before he slides it up and down, teasingly, between your folds. You gasp softly and he smirks, pushing his tip against your clit and he hisses a little, more precum leaking from his tip. He guides his cock into you, needing to quickly grab his cigarette from his mouth due to his jaw falling slack as he bottoms out into you. Your fingers grip the edge of the windowsill, your jaw dropping as you feel him finally giving you what you want. You moan and become breathless. He takes another drag from his cigarette before moving his hand from your hip to your shoulder as he pulls his hips away and then thrusts himself back into you entirely.

He filled you up perfectly, and he was damn ready to cum just from the way it felt like you perfectly fit around him. So warm and so fucking wet. He thrusts in and out of you a few times, groaning as you moan, sounds of you coating his cock more and more each time he goes in and out of you. He takes a shaky inhale from his cigarette, his eyes rolling back a bit as he thrusts a bit faster, before taking the cigarette out of his mouth, gripping the back of your head, a handful of your hair between his fingers, as he pulls you up and turns your head towards him. You moan and whine looking at him as he kisses you, shotgunning you this time as he keeps a steady pace of thrusting into you. You felt like you were going to choke, but you inhale what he exhales and as he pulls away, you turn back and lean your forearms against the windowsill as you blow out the smoke, gasping afterwards and moaning his name.

“Good girl,” he groans and puts the cigarette out, putting both of his hands on your hips, thrusting faster. “Such a good girl.” 

You moan at his praise and breathe quickly as all you can do is let out strings of long moans as you feel his cock press into you over and over, him somehow hitting every area that makes your knees weak and mind hazy. His fingers dig into your skin as his hips rapidly pound and slap against your ass, the sound of skin slapping becoming louder and louder. You moan his name loudly, and as a reward, he pushes further, you feeling his tip brush against your cervix and you gasp, moaning his name lewdly. He grunts, the way you just moaned his name almost made him cum automatically. 

“Louder, sweetheart, come on.”

You gasp for air as he fucks you so goddamn good, and you try to arch your lower back a bit so he can go deeper. You moan his name as many times as he wants, whatever it takes for him to rut in and out of you faster, to which he obliged. His breathing becomes heavy and your legs shake as you throw your head back a bit, your jaw dropping as you let out a long moan, cum spreading all over his cock. He grunts and whimpers, wrapping his arms around your waist as his brows knit together, him leaning down and kissing your shoulder as he pumps you full of cum, a low moan coming from him and onto your shoulder. He moans your name softly as he lets out a few more shallow thrusts, making sure he gives you every last drop. You feel yourself shiver as the warm liquid pushes into you and you whine a little. 

After a moment of him holding you close and staying inside of you, he kisses your shoulder softly again before pulling out and pulling away. He lays back onto the bed and you shudder as you feel his and your cum spilling out of you and trailing slowly down your inner thigh. He opens his arms a bit and you go to him, letting out a sigh as you rest your head on his chest and feeling content when his arms wrap around you. His hand slowly moves up and down your back before he kisses the top of your head. It’s silent for a while as you both lay there.

“So…we’re a thing now?” you ask, partly joking, but part of you was seriously asking.

He looks down at you and scoffs playfully. “After all of this, you still don’t get it?” he chuckles softly. “I want nobody but you.”

[endearng]

Like father, like daughter

Pairing: teenager dad!Spencer Reid x fem!reader Summary: Sometimes, you think Spencer made your daughter all on his own. Here are a few times that their manners supported your claim. WC: 2.7k Warnings: brief mentions of Spencer's past; mentions of underage drinking and bullying; he's an overprotective dad (because of course he is); JJ and Emily as a godmother couple <3<3<3 A/N: okay I'm super duper happy with how this one turned out. Yay!!! | Masterlist

Sitting together on your front porch, you and Spencer share the intimacy of the peaceful silence. Well, as far as peace goes — your 7 year-old son, Benjamin, plays with the dog, running back and forth, giggling and covering his entire overalls with mud. Barefoot in the grass, all you could do was pray they didn't mess the entire house when they eventually got back inside, but eh, that's a problem for future you. By your side, Spencer sits, focusing on going over his lecture plan for the day ahead, as barefoot as you are. There is a smudge of dirt in his cheek and your hands were feeling a little dry, proof from your earlier activities with Benji and the dog. After a couple minutes, Spencer places the paper aside, glancing lovingly as his son enjoyed being a kid.

You know, the whole projection thing. Spencer, as he raises his second child with you, feels as if his own childhood baggage means little to nothing now. Both of your kids are showered in the most pure love, and even though sometimes you struggle, like any other parents, you are proud of what you've achieved with them. Sometimes, Spencer just watches. Mesmerized. Entranced, as Benjamin discovers how the world works. They sit together by the small piano keyboard as his son attempts things in his own way, at his own pace. It is reinvigorating, to say the least, that the light given by your children and current life is able to burn some of the darkness that lingered in the back of his mind.

Between you two, Spencer is the quieter parent, while you often are seen as the ruler of the house due to his quiet nature. Despite it, all decisions regarding your children are taken together and, overall, you figure that it's how you've managed to stay together for this long. You are constantly discussing your relationship, both as a married couple and as parents, negotiating when some things get too rough or obscure for either of you, resigning when it's needed, but most importantly, loving each other all the way through.

Something that always catches your eye is how he manages to find his way into your heart every single day. You can only hope that's the case for you, too.

Running up to you, followed by a happily-wagging tail Midas, Benjamin giggled as he clutched your knee, resting his sweaty cheek on your thigh. "Mommy, Midas is doing it again.”

You stifle a laugh. Midas is a, thus far, small Samoyed puppy that reached about above Benjamin's knees. The fluffy friend had been a gift from his godmothers, JJ and Emily, after lots and lots of convincing that it would be good for the little boy. Despite the chaos he brings, you and Spencer find that Midas is great for your son's development and general well-being of the people in the house. In fact, Midas seems to have taken a special liking to you and to the little boy, following the two of you around the house whenever he could. Oh, well. Now you have three kids.

Anyway, by it, your son means to say that the dog was trying to climb him again, which, according to Benji, makes him feel ticklish. You gasped. "Oh, no! Midas, play nice!" You say, petting the dog's short ears as he wiggled his tail excitedly.

Benjamin seemed satisfied enough with your reprimand and Spencer smiles by your side, leaning down to plant a kiss to his son's cheek. "Daddy!" He shrieks, squirming and clutching your knee tighter, shoulders shaking with a childish giggle that makes you smile again.

Too involved in the moment, you two almost miss the arrival of your older daughter. Phoebe was almost turning 16. While having been a great child, not one to give you much trouble, her teenage years had been a challenging rollercoaster. First, during her early teenagehood, she struggled a lot to make friends after you and Spencer moved away from Washington, right after Benjamin's birth. You spent your days feeling worried and guilty for having seemingly taken her life away from her, and the thought ate you and your husband alive. Spencer barely slept, too focused on finding somewhere things might have gone wrong, where he might have done her wrong. After some therapy sessions and conversations with you and Spencer, she opened up to the two of you, quelling a bit of your blame. According to her, she felt homesick because the kids around her made her feel different from them. She didn't say anything further, and both you and Spencer respected the confidentiality between her and her therapist, who had filled you in on her behavior and guaranteed that there was nothing for us to worry about. Reluctantly, you believed her word, but never failed to keep her company.

Spencer, during that phase, went out of his way to be close to Phoebe. He took her out to the movies and they spent countless hours discussing them, taught her way around whatever subject she would have trouble with at school and the two of them danced together when she came home with an A+ on her tests. Besides, he delved deeply into her hobbies — you would never forget the day that they came home after a skating session and Spencer had a tear in his pants that exposed a bruised, bleeding knee. You tried to be as close to her as she let you, showing her around town, having weekly hangouts at her favorite ice-cream parlour, going shopping, listening about her days... One day, Spencer had traveled to be a consultant for the BAU for one particular demanding case. You two cared for Benjamin all night long and, pensively, Phoebe glanced between you and the baby securely cradled in your arms.

You had gotten the hint. Or so you thought.

"Hi, mom. Hi, dad. Benji. Midas." She greets, a bit awkwardly, wavy brown hair flowing with the soft breeze of wind.

"Midas says hi." Benji smiles, now back to being good friends with the dog, the two of them sitting on the grass in front of you and Spencer.

“Hi, sweetie.”

“Hi, Ladybug.” Spencer greets back, beaming.

Ladybug. It was the second nickname that Spencer had come up with after formally introducing himself to your newborn baby.

The baby was as red as a tomato from all the exertion of the moment and from her loud crying. Tears rolled down your face as you cradled your daughter against your chest, taking in her soft features, already feeling the sheer force of an overwhelming love. She had the soft curve of her dad's nose, her small pout reminiscent of Spencer's on his baby pictures. You almost wanted to feel frustrated for carrying her for nine months for her to come as a doppelganger of her dad. As you rocked her softly, her skin touching yours, her crying subsided, giving way to big curious eyes looking all around — guess which color. Damn it.

Next to you, Spencer kneeled to get a good look on her face. He was mesmerized as he found in her eyes and soft little pout the traces of his complexion. “Hi, Phoebe… you're so pretty, baby. I'm Spencer, your daddy. Look, this is your mommy…”

As he picked her from your arms, with the utmost care in the world, terrified that he'd drop her or break her were he to use too much strength, he felt complete. There would always be someone to look up to, to be someone for. And the thought made him equally frightened as delighted. "You look like a little dragon," he mumbled playfully instead, trying to downplay the tears that were forming in the corner of his eyes.

Biting back an amused grin, tears brimming in your own eyes, you scolded, "I'm not letting you call our beautiful daughter a dragon, Spence!"

Obediently, he settled for an endeared whisper of Ladybug.

Phoebe mirrors her dad's expression. Sometimes, she looks eerily like him. The features, mannerisms, interests... "I was thinking that, um... since finals are over, maybe I could go to the movies?" She asks, nervously. The same fidgeting hands from Spencer all those years ago. You try not to swoon.

Spencer gives her a weird look, but she's too busy waiting for your answer that she misses it. Naturally, she would ask for your permission, just like Spencer himself and Benjamin went up to you to check if it was okay to make physics magic — you had once stepped on one that they had left lying on the floor, and it wasn't pretty. Neither the ache in your foot, nor your reprimand.

You smile, happy that she's taking upon herself to have her own free-time activities. "Of course, sweetie, it's alright." You answer neutrally, not missing to read the subtle glance that Spencer throws your way. "Who are you going with?”

“Some friends.”

“What friends?” Spencer inquiries.

Fidgeting, she answers, “Kristen, Charlie and Alison.”

“I don't know any of—”

You cut your husband's mutter off with a nudge of your elbow on his rib. "Alright, sweetie. I can drive you to the cinema.”

"No need!" She says, rushed. "We'll meet at Charlie's to walk there together.”

Spencer looks alarmed with anxiety. You were amused, but still played the part, feeding into both Spencer and Phoebe's own perspective of the right outcome of the situation. “Are you sure, Phoebe?”

“Yeah, mom. Don't worry.” She says, shyly, that little look in her eye that tells you she is hiding something. “Thanks for offering, though.”

“Of course, baby.”

Smiling softly, she dashes back into the house. Spencer shrieks by your side, “why would you do that?!”

You remain composed as ever. “Do what?”

He glares at your feigned-innocence tone.

"Spence, darling, Phoebe needs to trust us. Aren't you happy she's making friends and taking the initiative of going out?”

Spencer looks conflicted for a second. "Still, I don't know any of these people. They could be doing all sorts of wrong stuff, not to mention the influence they can have on Phoebe.”

“Spence, Charlie lives down the street. She's the one who was here the other day.”

He falters for a moment, searching his brain for the Charlie girl as you make a small gesture above your shoulder, meaning her haircut. “They are teenagers!”

“Darling,” you say, placing your hand on his shoulder. “They're going to watch a movie. Trust her judgment, okay?” You ask, biting back a grin, amused by his sheer nervousness. You search Benjamin's eyes as if to say, can you believe this guy?!

You don't find them, though. Midas is trying to climb him again at a distance.

"Oh, so you're not taking this seriously, huh?" He asks, mildly upset.

"Darling, I am!” You say, smiling. “But Phoebe is a good kid. I think you're overreacting." You mumble the last part, glancing back at Benjamin. Midas is licking his face. You try not to think that just earlier, the dog was chewing on a dirty shoe.

"Overreacting?!"

You look at him, softening. He looks almost panicked. "Do you want me to call their parents? I'm sure she's left their numbers, like we always asked and she's rarely done because she doesn't leave the house without us." You say in a light tone, standing up, making your way inside the house to grab your cell phone. Spencer waits behind, anxiously, keeping an eye on Benjamin and his friend who were now playing fetch.

Barely sitting back on the chair, he starts, "A research shows that around 22.7 percent of high school students have consumed one drink of alcohol on at least one day in the month prior to this specific survey? Do you know how alarming that is? Besides, the results concluded that alcohol consumption is higher among female students.”

"Gee, and you're telling me we have one of these sleeping under the same roof as us?" You ask, amused, scrolling through your phone, and you can hear him huffing softly. Finding your and Phoebe's messages chat, which, like expected, were now spammed with the adults’ phone numbers, you show it to Spencer.

He breathes in. "I'm not convinced." He grumbles.

"Spence, come on, sweetheart... We've always been so careful with Phoebe. I think we should give her a little credit and be happy that she's taking her own steps." You say, now with an earnest tone. He sighs. “Plus, we do know which kind of behaviors and environments lead to underage drinking. We have a safe space.”

"You're right, you're right. I just... I'm so scared, you know? I guess I was secretly relieved to see that she was quieter like me, but I guess that's just me frustrated that she now gets a life of her own. And, you know, I've seen it all... I don't ever want anything to happen to her. Or to Benji. Not you, either. God, not you. Hell, not even Midas."

You chuckle softly, placing your hand on his shoulder again, giving it a gentle squeeze and kissing his temple. "We have the best one on our backs all the time. Can't go wrong with that."

Spencer smiles, seeming to finally have believed you. You two share a knowing, happy glance that spoke many things. Amidst them, there is the unchangeable, non negotiable, explicit truth: I'm so happy you're the one I'm doing this with.

As he stands up to clean up both Benjamin and Midas before they enter the house back again, you check the location that you had asked for her to share when you were inside the house. Cinema. Oof.

What? Even teenagers scare teenagers. How would they not scare you?!

—

Soon enough, Phoebe's social life blooms into weekly hangouts with those friends. Eventually, they began to come over to your home and Spencer was slowly warming up to them. The house, which barely registered Phoebe's voice before then, was now filled with laughter and young voices discussing things such as pop music, bands, politics and celebrities. Things go smoothly as ever. There is just a single problem that Phoebe chooses not to address. Whenever the girls go to the movies, Phoebe always feels a presence looming around. Call it sixth sense or being a girl, but sometimes, she can't help but feel like she is being watched.

Spencer, before meeting you, was as quiet and reserved as a stranger in a new country, only opening his mouth to speak about facts and relevant information to the cases in which he worked. It was well after your relationship that he began to speak more freely, more spontaneously. After six dates, you found out how his laughter sounded. It was shy, but it had an inherent adorableness to it that it was easily distinguished from the rest. It is an oddly endearing sound that Phoebe knew all too well, too used to hearing it from his (existential) dad jokes.

When she gets home, wearing a shoe of each color, matching with Kristen, Phoebe doesn't mention the familiar laughter at the movies. Instead, she just greets her dad and they have a glancing contest, a conversation in which you are nothing but a spectator. In the silence, they bloom together.

It was when Benji was almost turning eight, on a bet with his sister that he couldn't find the presents you and Spencer had gotten him earlier, that he found a love letter filled with soft pink lipstick marks under her bed. Benji showed it to you and your husband to ask why someone would kiss paper. After Spencer stuttered out an excuse and your son left to sit on the couch, you grinned. “It runs in the family,” you teased, remembering how Spencer would struggle to speak properly around you back when you were simply dating.

The lipstick shade matched the one Kristen was always wearing. Phoebe couldn't look you in the eye for a week after she got home and saw you and Spencer examining the paper in your hands, struggling to find the words to talk to Benji.

At Benji's birthday/Halloween party, Phoebe and Kristen dressed up as Marceline and Bubblegum. You, Spencer and Benji wore Scooby Doo's gang costumes with small pride pins on your chests. Midas wore a rainbow tie. A silent manifestation of your support, willing the two of them to speak at their own pace.

As you cleaned up as much as you could, guests already on their way home, Kristen approached you, an almost apprehensive edge on her voice, “Mrs. Reid, may I speak to you and your husband for a moment?”

You and Spencer shared a knowing look, already familiar with the outcome of that moment.

This is the simplest yet rarest joy in your life. To share it with Spencer.

[robynlilyblack]

Do you think I'm a monster?

Remus Lupin x fem! hufflepuff! werewolf! reader

Summary: After an eventful summer, Remus’ finds his girlfriend being distant, but it isn’t until the the next full moon he realises why

Warnings: swearing, mentions of eating, scars, greyback, violence, sex and nudity (non-sexual), kissing, established relationship, hurt/comfort

A/n: 4.1k words, I am back and taking requests, i haven’t written anything for over a year so things might be a little rusty, please bare with me as i get back into the groove of writing but I’m so happy to be back writing again, thank you so much for the request, enjoy ♡

Navigation | Remus Lupin Masterlist

Remus’ leg bobbed impatiently, eyes darting to the entrance everytime someone entered hoping it was you yet he was only met with disappointment. His mood did lighten as he saw his friends enter, chuckling as he watched James walk into the table as he tried to woo Lily.

“You alright?” he asks trying not to smile to hard as James groans 

“Eh it’s nothing” he cringes sitting opposite, Peter by his side, while Sirius plops himself down next to Remus “Did she laugh at least?” he ignores his pain and embarrassment, only thinking of the girl sitting little ways down from them now, giggling with Marlene and Alice

“Yeah Prongs, she laughed” he tells a little white lie, though he’s sure Lily probably did think it slightly adorable

“Where's your lovely lady?” Sirius asks, scanning the Hufflepuff table for you

Remus sighs “She hasn’t appeared yet” he knew you were probably catching up with your friends, they had both been away with their families travelling so you hadn’t seen them either…he’d never admit it but he was a tad jealous he wasn’t going to get to hug you first

“Oi” he’s pulled from his gloom by Sirius nudging him, pointing towards the door “Speak of the angel and there she shall appear” he grins, his point turning it’s a little wave at you and your friends

Remus lights up, heart warming at your shy smile and slight embarrassment when both Peter and James join in waving to you…in fact they couldn’t see but Marlene, Lily and Alice had all begun to wave as well. You grant them a small wave back as you head to find a seat, Amos joining you as he smiles at them, while Alex shoots a wink and a small salute, the former towards one particular marauder. 

“Happy now?” James grins at his friend

Remus nods bringing his gaze back to you as Dumbledore starts his speech, he barely listens, doubting it’s any more interesting this year than it has been the last six. Instead he admires you, he’d missed you so much, more than he realised in fact, the boy couldn’t take his eyes off you. His gaze drifted across your features, while he noted your face did look a little hollow, his mind had other ideas, asking you if you had been eating properly could come later, but for now his eyes fixated on your lips as he daydreamed about kissing you, touching you, f…

“Ha…best behaviour for the youngins…” Sirius brings him back to reality, chuckling to himself “...that’ll be right?” turning his gaze to him, before he starts to grin “Moony missin’ her too eh?” he wiggles his eyebrows noting Remus’ blown pupils and guilty look

If he wasn’t already bright in the face Remus was scarlet now “Shut up” he grumbles trying to compose himself, face riddled with embarrassment but it softens as he realises your looking over 

Hi, he mouths 

Hi, you mouth back with a small smile before turning your attention to the front once more but somethings off, he can feel it

You felt awful, every bone in your body ached, and it didn’t help that your skirt's waistband was rubbing against last month's scar. You were grateful none were too visible, the biggest were along your waist and hips from the initial attack, though there was one other on your arm, it could easily be written off as a fall or cat scratch, the former being the one used likely use as it lined up with a real fall you had written to Remus about over summer.

Remus

You sighed as you glanced over at him, finding his attention had finally moved back to his friends, most likely plotting their first prank of the year. It was easy to pretend in your letters, thankfully he hadn’t come looking for you on the train but you knew you would have to talk to him eventually. Would he know? Would he be able to sense you were now like him? Would he see you as he saw himself? Would he think you a monster?

Am I a monster now?

“Hey…” you’re broken out of your gaze, a soft hand finding your shoulder, followed by your friend's kind smile “...are you alright?” Alex asks, knowing something is wrong, just not what

“You can tell us anything” Amos adds, smiling on your other side “You’ve been quiet” and he was right, you’d barely said two words to them since kings cross that morning

How do I tell them? you think eyes welling 

“”Hey hey” Amos turns you around as you try to look away, making you face him “You don’t have to tell us…” he assures and you almost want to cry more, you had such wonderful friends “...but let us help you” 

“Anything you need, sunshine” Alex’s smile grows into a smirk “We do hugs, skipping out on welcome feasts early, hexes…” that one makes you giggle causing the two boys faces to light up

“Think we could start with a group hug?” you look up at them, the welling tears dissipating as they waste no time wrapping you up in a warm embrace

“Love, wait up!”

You close your eyes, scrunching your face a little as you stop, trying to put on your best act as you turn back around to greet your boyfriend as he lightly jogs towards you

“Oh hi” you smile at him, playing dumb and pretending like you weren’t just trying to avoid him…again

Remus stops in front of you “I’ve been trying to catch you all day!” he laughs a little bit while you feel guilt swell in your stomach “Merlin I’ve missed you so much” he confesses right away 

Dammit, you think, finding yourself folding as you stare up at those big brown eyes of his, it didn’t help that your new little wolfy self was acting up either

You’d noticed the heightened senses, your hearing was impeccable now, and you finally understood why Remus was so prone to irritation, you almost smacked poor Amos in potions earlier for stirring the cauldron a little too loudly. Turns out smell was no different either, Remus smelled absolutely divine, and your wolf earned for him.

“Bun?” he gently prods and your heart breaks…you weren’t his bunny anymore

The realisation causes you to crumble, almost knocking him over as you wrap your arms around his torso, burying your face in his chest

He chuckles at that, oblivious to the turmoil inside “I’ll take that as you missed me too” he returns the hug, nose finding your hair

Merlin you smelled great, more so than normal, your pheromones always drove him nuts around the full moon but it was on overdrive now, so much so he finds himself gently shifting, unable to resist waiting to kiss you in a more private location as he brings one hand up to cup the back of your head, while he uses the other to guide your gaze back towards him, but as he moves in he notices the slight glisten in your eyes 

“Is something wrong?” he asks, large hands finding your cheeks 

You freeze, you never wanted to lie to Remus, you never thought yourself capable, and perhaps you aren’t not truely “I…I wish I could’ve spent the summer with you” it’s not a lie…because if you had, things would be just as they were and nothing would have to change 

His face softens to a downturned smile, his eyes looking at you with such love “You’re too sweet to me” he brings you back into a warm embrace “I promise we will next year” he tells you, and you squeeze him tighter

You might not want me next year

The next few days went slowly for both of you, you knew Remus had figured out you were avoiding him on purpose. Never before had you been so distant, especially before a full moon. It hurt so much, every time you crossed paths you wanted nothing more than to run to him, hold him, kiss him anywhere he was hurting but you couldn’t. You knew how the full moons affected your boyfriend, in fact you could feel it yourself, that desire to be close to the one you love, if you did go to his dorm as you normally did he would see the scars, he would see the bite mark, he would know you weren’t his sweet little bunny anymore.

You fell back on your bed, eyes glancing over to the clock, you would need to leave soon if you were to get deep enough into the woods. Your eyes started to water, you didn’t want to go, this was only your second moon and it was already unbearable 

You had never felt so alone…

Remus was worried, you never came by to see him, it was so unlike you. These past few days had been so strange to him, he knew something must have happened, he also knew you hadn’t spoken to your friends about it as they seemed just as confused as he did, but whatever it was he couldn’t fix right now

“That's us set up” Sirius pokes his head in averting his eyes from Remus’ unclothed figure “I’m sure she has a good reason moons” 

Remus only nods, waiting until Sirius closes the door before reassuring himself  “She does…” he brings his legs up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them “...she loves us…” he gently rocks back and forth whispering “...she loves us”

Meanwhile Sirius makes it out of the willow, meeting James and Peter as they hide their bags for later “How is he?” Peter asks, looking forlorn as he notices his friend

“He’s putting on a brave face but…” Sirius shakes his head handing his and Remus’ bags to James “...he needs her” he puts simply

“I don’t understand why she didn’t come” James says, feeling genuinely confused as he reaches up to tuck away the last of the bags “Even when they’ve been in a fight she’s always shown up”

“Something must have happened” Peter looks to James “Maybe tomorrow we could go talk to her friends, surely they know” he suggests

James nods, hands finding his hips “Yeah…yeah that sounds good” he agrees, nodding a little more than was necessary in his worry “Sirius that a plan?” he and Peter look towards their friend only to find him looking somewhere between confused and concerned “Sirius?”

After a few more calls and one branch thrown at him Sirius finally responds “I…ugh…look” he can’t even form a sentence, doing a double take at his friends as he points towards the lining of the trees

James and Peter's eyes scan the area, widening with horror as they see you running towards the tree line. The trio look amongst themselves, their eyes doing the talking as they shift, they didn’t have much time to question why you were out here on tonight of all nights but they follow you into a small clearing, watching as you hang your bag on one of the branches, opening it up as you begin to take off your clothes.

Sirius makes a quiet grunt for only the boys to hear as they grasp you are fully stripping down causing them to all look at him instead of you as they give each other confused looks. However you never make it that far, it’s a scream that causes their heads to shoot back in your direction and they watch an all too familiar scene

You did have a good reason for not showing up tonight…and it shattered their hearts

They didn’t have much time to dwell. Sirius jumps into action first, attempting to distract you from clawing at yourself, while James slowly approaches behind with Peter sitting up on his back acting as a lookout for Remus as if you turned he surely couldn’t be far behind. 

You seem a little startled at first before stalking towards Sirius, you seem to note he isn’t scared of you, the boys watch as you calm, your body no longer tense, nor sensing you are in danger and so you let them guide you warily through the woods. In all honesty the boys had no idea what they were doing, they figured if you could sense that Sirius wasn’t a threat then maybe you and Remus would recognise each other as such as well…hopefully

As they came towards the clearing they could hear Remus as he whined in pain but the boys had no time to react as you already bolted off. Startled, they try to catch up, but as they move past the tree line they realise you’ve already made your way to him, growling. 

Shit

They’re eyes flick between one another, worried they had made the wrong choice until they watch Remus relax, the two of you sniffing around each other before you begin to lick his wounds and it dawns on them that you weren’t challenging him, you were berating him for hurting himself.

The rest of the moon went by smoothly, the best the boys had ever seen and it was all thanks to you. By the end Sirius and Peter had managed to herd you and Remus back into the willow while James headed back to get your bag

“I can’t believe it” Peter says in astonishment, sliding down the roots to sit at the entrance beside James “No wonder she’s been acting off”

James hums in agreement, fiddling with the strap of your bag “She doesn’t deserve this…neither of them do” he states, sadness washing over him “Man…this gonna break him when he wakes up, he loves her so much”

“He does…” the boys jump a little as Sirius reappears from the willow “I didn’t want to go in fully for y/n’s sake...but I’ve thrown the blanket in that general direction and well…it’s not like they haven’t seen it all before” he makes a face, chuckling softly with the other two as lowers himself to the ground to join them as they decide to try and get a little bit of sleep

At first you didn’t know where you were, eyes opening slowly to survey your surroundings, you had expected to wake up in a ditch somewhere but not…wait. Your eyes widen, jolting up with a slight hiss as you look around, you were in the shack but if you were in the shack then that meant…

“Hey…” you jump a little at his voice, slowly turning to find Remus sitting just behind you, posted up against the wall, one leg half bent with his arm wrapped around it “...how are you feeling? Any pain?” he asks, strain evident in his voice, he looks broken and it kills you

You can only shake your head, slowly bringing the blanket up to cover yourself, shivering a little from the cold draft “Rem…” you say so quietly you’re not even sure you’ve said anything at all

“You’re cold” he states, wincing a little as he moves over to you, body still aching from from his own transformation “I’m okay, don’t worry” he assures, knowing exactly what you were thinking “Here” he pulls off his jumper “Hands up sweetheart” 

You do as you're told, allowing him to slip the jumper over your head. He was being so gentle with you, like you might shatter at a single touch, it shouldn’t have surprised you but it did, he must have seen the scars, he must see you differently now…he must…

“Do you think I’m a monster?” you whisper and his movements stop, eyes meeting yours in shock

He blinks at you a couple times before letting out a confused “What?”

Your eyes mist “Do you think I’m a monster?” you repeat, gaze never leaving his

“No” he shake his head firmly, hands finding yours “Never” he says almost harshly, stunned you would ever think such a thing 

“Really?” you eyebrows lift, hope and relief in your voice 

His eyes soften, confusion washing away as he finally sees it, and a bitter sense of deja vu falls over him. Almost a year ago to the day he sat in your position, looking up at you, asking if you fought him, a monster. He even remembers trying to convince you he was but you wouldn’t hear it, you refused to believe he was no matter what he said. In the end he stil didn’t believed it, but seeing you now, looking at you from the other position he realised just how stupid he had been, how much his own self hatred had made you scared to come to him, made you hate yourself the way he had all this time

“Really” he promises “Is…” he hesitates, because he’s almost certain he knows the answer “Is this why you've been avoiding me?” he asks, one hand slipping out of your own to softly cup your cheek

You lean into it, eyes fluttering as your own comes up to cup it “Yes” you confirm and he nods, looking in though “I’m so sorry…I…” he cuts you off 

“Don’t you dare” he warns “You aren’t turning into me, I won’t allow it” both hands are cupping your face now “You haven’t changed, not to me, okay? You are still my girl, still my bu-” but you cut him off this time

“But I’m not I-” you try to argue but Remus isn’t having it

“Stop” he gently shakes your face to regain your attention “You know why I started to call you bunny?” you shake your head “Because whenever you get excited you would do this little bounce, you do it when you’re excited to see me, geeking out about a new book and not to mention when we…” he blushes, stopping himself

You feel heat rush to your cheeks “Remmyy!” you gently shove him as you bounce a little in faux annoyance, causing you both to let out little laughs 

“There she is” he smiles at you, laughing more as you become self aware of your bounces, getting all shy before him “Nothing you could ever do would make me think you a monster. I’m so sorry bun, I never want you to talk about yourself the way I have, understood?”

You hum in agreement, nodding “...but that means you can’t be cruel to yourself either” you challenge him, holding your pinky up at him as a small smile gracing your face as you do

Remus clicks his tongue, of course you would use this as a way to help him love himself as well “Fine” he promises, taking your pinky “…now come ‘ere” he moves back to sit against the wall once more, patting his lap as he hithers for you to join him while you chew on your lip a little, shyly accepting the offer and moving to straddle his legs 

“There we go” he presses a lingering kiss to your hair, hands wrapping around you while your head falls into his chest “Better?”

“Much” you hum, savouring the moment before you lift your head “I suppose you must have some questions?” you wonder, hands finding his chest, fiddling with buttons of his shirt

“I do” he confesses, it was only natural “My attack is hazy for me now because I was so young…” he softly caresses your cheek “...but it’s fresh for you and I…I don’t want to pry, I can wait until you’re ready” he assures you

You take his hand, pressing a soft kiss to his palm “You remember I told you about my dads case? He was representing the family that was attacked much like you were?” you begin and Remus nods, hands moving to your hips, thumbs gently brushing beneath the hem of his jumper   

“Yeah, in your letters you said they got them all and your dad was taking you up north to celebrate?” he recalls but then his lips part “They didn’t get them all did they?”

You shake your head “Turns out their was a much bigger player, someone else behind the scenes who was pulling all the strings” you explain, eyes falling down to his chest, this is going to kill him

“Love…” he tries to guide you back to him “...who…” but as your eyes meet his and they tell all 

“Rem” you voice trembles a little

“Say it” he begs you

“Greyback” you whisper watching as Remus’ heartbreak sinks into rage, his grip on your hips tightening “Remmy…Rem…”

He doesn’t hear you say his name, everything around him fades as his anger grows. He never wanted to hear that name again, he never wanted to see that monster again but now? All he could think about was ripping him apart, taking away his freedom like he had done to so many, making him feel as weak and powerless as Remus had felt his whole life…how you would now feel your whole life

I’ll kill him

“Rem” you gently cup his face pulling back to you “Stay with me” you kiss him softly

His hands come up to meet yours “But he hurt you, cursed us to be in pain for the rest of our lives…and the worst part is he’ll be revelling in it all…that bastard…he…” his anger sinks into sadness at your comforting touch “he…” he pleads with you 

“He did and we don’t ever have to forgive him but we can't let him take away anything else from us either. He won’t ruin our lives”  you watch remus’ eyes soften and you smile at him trying to lighten the mood “Besides…there's always silver linings”

“And what would those be?” he tilts his head, struggling to see it

“Well…” you move your hands downward and kiss his cheeks “...if your senses are anything like mine I smell great” you giggle and he starts to smile, a loving gaze as he looks up at you “And perhaps more importantly…” you peck his nose making it scrunch in the most perfect way “...you’ll never worry about me during a full moon…” you nudge your nose against his “...and that fantasy you have of us living in your parents old cottage can be real, because…” you lean in close, lips grazing as your foreheads kiss “...you’ll never be alone again”

Remus’ heart feels like it might burst, you were right, there were silver linings. He had no idea what his life was going to be like after Hogwarts, he knew he couldn’t rely on his friends forever, nor could he have asked you to bear that responsibility alone, instead you and he would face it together, care for each other together…heal together

“Promise” he holds up his pinky 

You smile against his lips, wrapping you own pinky around it “Promise” and with that he closes the gap

Thank you for reading ♡ (I promise my writing will get smoother again with time)

[jadore-f1]

Don’t make me wait | IH6

Synopsis ♡ Your relationship with Isack is going extremely well and you're ready to take it to the next level. 4.5k words

A/N ♡ can’t believe that after 10 years in fandom culture, i'm posting my very own fanfic. The writing isn't great, the dialogue is eh and the smut is rushed but i WROTE this. I'm so proud of myself.

Warnings ♡ SMUT! 18+ mdni!!! Fem!reader, Strong language, google translated french, oral sex (male receiving), fingering, switch!Isack (sorta), he has a filthy mouth, p in v, protected sex (pls do this!), grammatical errors, this is barely proofread tbh, probably other things idk

You and Isack had been officially dating for just over a month now, though the two of you had been dancing around your feelings for much longer than that. It all started at the preseason “Meet the Grid” dinner. He was the promising new rookie and you, a wide-eyed media intern just trying to stay out of the way and do your job.

You didn’t even speak to him that night. Just watched from across the room, quietly taking in the way he seemed to slot in so easily with the senior drivers. He was charming, warm, and effortlessly magnetic. It was hard to look away. When he eventually caught you staring, his smile shifted, softening into something less media-trained and more… curious. You turned away quickly, heart pounding, trying to mask the flush crawling up your neck and ignore the flutter low in your stomach.

Yeah. You were immediately smitten.

It continued like that for a while, lingering looks across the paddock, stumbling through interview questions because he’d say something that could’ve been considered flirting if you thought about it long enough. (you didn’t though or at least tried not to, no way he would be flirting with you)

For a few weeks things never went any further than that. You figured he was too busy finding his footing as a rookie to even think about dating, and he was convinced you were either completely oblivious to his flirting or just too kind to turn him down outright.

When the Melbourne grand prix incident occured you felt your heart sink for him. You’d fought with yourself the entire day before finally just deciding to bite the bullet and reach out to him on instagram that night.

@youruser: Hi, I’m not sure if you know me but I work in the paddock

@isackhadjar: yes __ hi! we’ve met before, what’s up?

@youruser: I saw what happened today so i just wanted to check in, you know if you need a friend or a place to vent completely unbiased i’m available!

@youruser: …Not saying you don’t have people, just figured an outside perspective might help. Plus, I’m a pretty good listener

@isackhadjar: lol don’t worry i did not take it that way

@isackhadjar: how about coffee tomorrow morning?

@youruser: sure! Does 8:30 work for you?

@isasckhadjar: perfect, it's a date :)

And the rest was history. He'd asked you out officially somewhere in between the Bahrain and Saudi Arabia races and you’d been basically attached at the hip ever since.

Because the relationship is still so new, there are things you're both still discovering about each other. Little details, unspoken boundaries, milestones you haven't quite reached yet.

The most obvious one is the physical side of your relationship. So far, it's been limited to quick good luck kisses before quali or races, and soft, grounding hugs when the weekend doesn’t go his way. That’s it. And you’re okay with that. You're more than happy to follow his pace. You understand how complicated things can get when you're constantly under a microscope, with cameras everywhere and millions of fans analyzing your every move.

But still… as time goes on, it's hard not to want more.

You're willing to wait—of course you are. You’d wait as long as he needed. In the meantime, you make do with your imagination and the handful of photos tucked away in a private folder on your phone. No complaints. No pressure. Just quiet longing, and the hope that when he’s ready, you’ll be right there.

Then Monaco happens.

You’re waiting in his drivers room like you do after every race, drivers get a 10-15 minute break after each race before they have to enter the media pen so you and Isack use this time to catch up in private otherwise you’d have to wait until the end of the day just for a moment alone. He steps into the room and you’re on him the second the door closes.

“P6 Zack! P6 in Monaco! Baby I can't believe you pulled that off!” you say in between little pecks all over his face, he’s still sweaty but you don’t care at all, too hyped up on adrenaline and something else you don’t want to name yet.

“I know! I can hardly believe it either!” He laughs but he sounds exhausted, hell he looks exhausted, face flushed red and the imprint from his earbuds still visible on his cheeks yet the grin never leaves his face.

When you try to step back to give him breathing room he just makes a small sound of disapproval and pulls you closer, hands tightening around your waist until you're pressed fully against the warmth of him. He lays his forehead gently against your own and just takes a deep breath, like he's trying to ground himself in the moment. You stay like that for a minute reveling in the silence because you know any moment now you're going to have to leave and return to the chaotic world outside your bubble. Eventually you pull back a little just to look at him again.

“I'm so so proud of you Isack” you push his sweat slicked hair back from his eyes and hope he can tell how much you mean it. He leans into you again like he can't bear the small distance you've created.

“Merci mon ange” he whispers before pressing a searing kiss to your lips. It's hot, wet and nothing like any of the kisses you've had before.

One of his hands travels from your waist to the back of your neck, fingers tangling into your hair while his thumb rests on the hinge of your jaw moving your head exactly where he wants it.

His tongue presses against the seam of your mouth and you open up immediately—there's no point in denying it, not when you've been dying to kiss him like this. It makes your brain all fuzzy around the edges.

Your hands move to explore as well, one immediately gripping onto his bicep bulging through that skin tight fireproof shirt that has definitely made a few appearances in your dreams. The other lightly scratched at the short hairs on the back of his neck, causing him to shiver and let out a breathy little noise. Fuck. you want to hear that again.

You pull away from his lips and theres a string of saliva still connecting you together, you wipe your thumb against his bottom lip to remove it and he presses a gentle kiss to the pad it, his hand coming to cover yours and he continues to press kisses up, up your arm until he reaches your neck. He nips and licks up and down your neck and until he finds the spot that makes you arch into him, then he bites down.

“Haah- is-isack no fair I can't do the same to you” you manage with a keen.

“Sure you can, just gotta be somewhere discrete bébé” you can practically hear the smirk in his voice.

He sounds so smug you can't help but tease him a bit, moving your leg so it's in between his. you press upwards grazing him with just enough pressure.

“Oh putain” he hisses out, hands tightening on your hips, he thrusts forward seeking out the friction again but you remove your leg before he can get it.

“Ok! Baby i'm sorry just please do something please” he whines out, his hips thrust up again chasing any type of pleasure he can get. He looks so good like this, all desperate just from a bit of teasing.

“Oh poor Isack, you get this hard just from kissing?” you pout at him sarcastically. The power you feel right now is unfathomable, you could get used to this. If only he knew how soaked you are between your thighs.

“Since you did so well today I guess I can't be too mean, what do you want? My mouth or my hands?”

“Your mouth please i-” someone bangs on the door of the trailer and you both jump a mile in the air.

“Hadjar! You're late for post race interviews let's go!” his PR manager yells from outside.

You sigh empathetically. He sighs as well tilting his head back against the door like he can’t believe his luck.

“Can't believe I have to talk about my best race finish with blue balls.” he mutters, adjusting himself so it's not as noticeable. You can't help but giggle. He glares at you with a look that says ‘this isn't over’ and heads out the door.

“We’ll finish this later ok!” you yell after him with another laugh.

Later doesn't come that night (and neither do you) or the rest of that weekend for that matter.

That’s the thing about triple headers. It’s three weeks of non-stop chaos, travel, and work. Between back-to-back races and packed schedules, finding even a single quiet moment alone feels impossible.

The tension from Monaco still lingers though. Looks across the paddock are now charged with something heavy, good luck kisses are a little longer, deeper, hungrier. It feels like you’re a balloon seconds away from bursting.

Things finally settled down after the race in Spain. Isack scored points again, and it was amazing to watch. He was steady, focused, like he was really starting to find his rhythm.

To celebrate, the two of you went out for dinner at a cozy, authentic Spanish restaurant Carlos had personally recommended. The food was incredible, the atmosphere relaxed, and for the first time in weeks, it felt like you could both finally breathe.

Now, back in the quiet of your hotel room, you're winding down for the night, full, content, and maybe just a little bit tipsy on red wine and the heated glances shared over the candlelit table.

Technically it’s Isack’s hotel room, you have your own on another floor with the rest of the media team but what your supervisor doesn’t know won’t hurt them.

You’re freshly showered and in one of his shirts and some boy shorts just scrolling on social media waiting for him to finish up in the bathroom so you guys can cuddle and start a movie.

The bathroom door swings open, and without looking up from your phone you call out

“Zack, I swear if they don’t give you Rookie of the Year, I’m burning the FIA to the ground.”

He laughs, voice warm and easy. “Love the energy, bébé, but then we’d both be out of a job.”

You glance up to respond, but the words catch in your throat.

You’ve seen Isack shirtless before on the occasional social media post—but never like this. He’s standing by the dresser, back to you, rummaging for something, muscles shifting under damp skin. His sweatpants hang low on his hips, clinging just enough to make your mind go blank. His curls are still wet from the shower, starting to dry into that soft, messy wave you adore.

And it hits you.

That’s your boyfriend.

This sweet, ridiculously good-looking, insanely talented man is yours.

How the hell did you get so lucky?

“You’re staring mon ange.” he says softly and you don’t even have it in you to pretend to be embarrassed because now he’s facing you while leaning against the dresser and you can see everything.

Your eyes zero in on the sweatpants again, they’re so low you can see his v-line and the trail of dark hairs leading down beneath the waistband.

You let your eyes trail upwards over the naked skin of his torso, still glistening from the shower practically begging you to lick the droplets of water up yourself.

But honestly it’s the chain around his neck that does you in. It’s shining against his skin and it makes you want to wrap your fingers around it and tug him closer to you like a leash, makes you want to watch it dangle in front of your face, makes want the feel the cool metal pressed against your own heated skin while he poun-

“Ehem” he raises his brows in amusement and your face does heat up this time.

“You just look really good right now” He preens under the compliment, standing straighter and flexing under your gaze.

“Oh? is that why you’re looking at me like you want to eat me?” he steps closer to the bed.

“Amongst other things.” you give a sly smile, scooting towards the edge of the bed.

When he reaches you, you stand up on your knees so you two are face to face. his hands find their place on your waist and yours around the back of his neck. You go to lean in for a kiss but before your lips meet you feel him, solid and warm against your leg.

It’s your turn to raise your brows in amusement now and he scoffs playfully. “I can’t help it, bébé—you’re in my shirt and barely anything else, telling me how much you want me.”

You tilt your head, feigning innocence, though the curve of your mouth betrays you. “I didn’t realize stating facts was such a crime.”

He steps closer, eyes flicking down for the briefest second before settling back on yours, smoldering. “It is when you say them like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you know exactly what you’re doing.” His voice is low, thick with the weight of restrained desire.

You bite your lip, a slow smile forming. “Maybe I do.”

He lets out a soft, breathy laugh, hands rubbing soft circles on the skin of your waist with maddening ease. “Then don’t start something you’re not ready to finish.”

“I’ve been ready since Monaco,” you murmur, fingernails lightly raking down his chest. “And I always finish what I start.”

He lets out a stuttered gasp—your turn to make him breathless.

You tilt your head up and your lips meet in a passionate kiss, all teeth, tongue and weeks of build up.

Isack kisses you like a drowning man gasping for his first breath of air. It's desperate, consuming. Like he’s trying to burrow his way into your very soul. And you’d let him. You’d let him claw through your ribcage and settle into the space you’ve always kept open just for him.

Your lips part ways and you fall back onto the bed, slowly scooting up toward the headboard. He follows without hesitation, crawling over you until he’s hovering above. For a moment, you both pause, eyes locked. There’s no awkwardness, no uncertainty you might expect from a first time, just a quiet heavy knowing that every heated moment before now has been leading to this.

“__ are you sure?” he asks softly. You want to tell him that you’ve never been more certain about anything in your life. That there's nowhere else you'd rather be than right here, taking in every detail of his face, the way the city lights cast golden shadows across his features. But the words catch in your throat, too full, too much.

So instead, you just nod and reach for that damn chain, pulling him back to you once more.

your lips meet the skin where his jaw and neck connect, nipping and sucking there lightly just enough to leave a faint mark.

“I still owe you from Monaco, yeah?” you breathe into his skin.

“No you don’t have too.” he denies but you just scoff playfully and switch your positions so he’s lying on his back and you're on top, legs straddling his hips.

“Gotta finish what I started.” you grin and peck his lips before making your descent down his body. you pause at his chest tugging one of his nipples between your teeth softly just to hear that pretty little whine again before kissing your way down to the edge of his sweats.

The imprint of him is hard to miss and you can’t help but run your hand over the bulge and squeeze. his body jolts like he’s been electrocuted.

“Oh mon Dieu bébé, s'il te plaît, ne me taquine pas!” you don't know exactly what he's saying but the impatience of his tone gives you a clue. Oh my God baby please don't tease me

“Relax baby, I'm gonna give you what you want.” your fingers curl around the waistband of his sweats and you pause there, looking up into his eyes again with a silent question. He nods supportingly, bottom lip tucked between his teeth and his hips raise towards you. His sweats and boxers come down together.

Holy shit.

He’s not overly large, very proportional to his body but the thickness of him takes you aback. He has the kind of width that you know you'll be feeling for the next couple days. The tip is flushed red dripping in precum, your fingers wrap around the base and start kitten licking at his leaking head.

“mph-oh fuck” he makes a sound like the air has been punched from his lungs and your thighs clench together in response. His head falls back into the pillows. He’s so sensitive it’s driving you insane. Normally giving head is your least favorite part of sex but his reactions have you retracting that mindset.

You open your mouth and fully take him in going as far as you can, using both hands to cover whatever you can’t reach. his hips twitch up subconsciously and you gag.

“Putain, je suis désolé mon ange, feels so good” he rasps out. you just moan in response and the vibrations pull another breathless whine from him. Fuck, i’m sorry angel

you pull off of him with a subtle pop, hands continuing to work him over while you catch your breath.

“Do you want to cum like this Zack?” you ask and receive no reply.

He’s too blissed out, eyes closed, thrusting up into your fists.

you stop moving your hands and he cries out pathetically. his upper body bows towards you and when you meet his glistening eyes you almost feel bad for ripping away his impending orgasm. almost.

“I asked you a question.” it takes him a moment to find his senses and respond.

“I want it to be inside.” His voice is several notches deeper and the darkness in his gaze sets fire to your veins. His hands slide up your thigh, under the edges of your (his) shirt.

“Take this off cherie.” tugging it up with his assistance, you're completely bare with the exception of your little sleep shorts.

“C’mere.” he mutters softly, pulling you up to him again. Your lips connect, softer than your previous kiss but just as passionate. Your upper body presses up against his and the coolness of his chain makes you shiver in delight, giving you goosebumps.

You sigh deeply, body sinking into him further in contentment. He groans in response, hands tightening around your hips as he uses his bodyweight to flip your positions so he's on top. He presses up onto his palms beside your head. His biceps are on display like this and you can't help but lean up and bite one of them.

“Eh? What was that for?” he asks with a shocked laugh. You shrug with absolutely no shame.

“I've always wanted to do that.” he laughs again while you just gaze at him lovingly. When he catches your stare he bites his lip and the soft moment heats up again.

“Can I feel you now, cherie?” he asks softly, you nod and he's tugging off your shorts immediately, tossing them somewhere behind him. When you're completely bare for him he sits back on his haunches with a look of awe. You try to close your legs together under his unwavering stare but his hands grasp your thighs firmly keeping them apart.

“Ange, tu es tellement mouillée que ça dégouline sur les draps.” he says, thumbs rubbing warm circles on the underside of your thighs, it's nice but if he doesn't touch you properly soon you might explode. Angel, you're so wet it’s dripping onto the sheets

“Please Isack don't tease” you whine out. He smirk’s fingers lightly grazing over your center.

“It's no fun being teased, is it bebe?” he grins cheekily, “You had such a mouth on you earlier. Use it and tell me what you want.”

“Fuc- I want you to touch me.”

“I am touching you.” his thumb presses into that bundle of nerves rubbing light circles but you’re too worked up, it’s not enough.

“Ah Zack please!” you cry out grabbing his forearm in an attempt to drag his fingers where you really want them.

“Mmm ne pleure pas bébé, tu sais que je te donnerai toujours ce que tu veux.” his fingers slip into you and your vision whites out. Don’t cry baby, you know i’ll always give you what you want

“Oh shit- yes!” you moan, back arching off the bed, hands gripping the sheets. God his fingers are so nice, thick and callused from years of driving.

“Feels good baby? Putain, tu ne sais pas depuis combien de temps j'ai rêvé de ça.” Isack leans down on the arm not between your legs, brushing the sweaty hair from your eyes and laying his forehead against yours. Fuck, you don’t know how long i've dreamt of this

“Look at me, yeah? Wanna see you fall apart on my fingers.” you want to break away from his intense gaze but the hand grasping your hair keeps you right where he wants you. You’re practically drooling while his fingers abuse that sweet spot inside you.

When you feel yourself getting closer you try to warn him but all that comes out is “a-ah Zack i’m comi-ah!” before your eyes roll back and you claw your hands down his shoulders.

“Yeahhh fuck bébé that’s it.” he works you through your orgasm slowing his fingers down when you stop spasming around him. you feel him placing little kisses on your face and chest while you struggle to catch your breath.

You pull him in for a soft appreciative kiss and he melts into you. He slots himself in between your legs and you feel him warm and sticky against your inner thigh. You look down between your bodies and catch a glimpse of him, rock hard and tip fire engine red from lack of attention.

“You know, tonight was supposed to be about you.” you reach down to stroke him, he lets out a sharp hiss and grabs your hand to pin it beside your head.

“Continue comme ça et cette nuit se terminera tôt pour nous deux, making you feel good makes me feel good too don’t be silly.” he chastises you lightly. Keep it up and this night will end early for us both

Your legs raise higher up to his hips, opening yourself up to him more and he positions himself against your core, sliding between your folds covering his cock in your slickness before stopping at your entrance. He reaches over to the nightstand for his wallet for a condom, quickly tearing the wrapper and rolling it into himself.

“Can you give me one more?” you nod quickly and he grins “That’s my girl” The slow press of him into you has your breath catching in preparation of the thickness of him. He immediately clocks your hesitation and links his hand with yours, little pecks placed onto your lips in hopes of distraction.

“I got you mon ange, relax.” you do as he says letting out a deep sigh and he pushes in slow and steady until he bottoms out completely.

“You’re so pretty like this.” he nuzzles his nose against yours lovingly.

“Isack!” you groan out, hips grinding against his own with need “Oh God please move!”

“I know baby I know- just need a second.” he grits out, whole body shaking in barely contained restraint. He pulls his hips back until just the tip is there and then slides all the way in again. His pace speeds up and you’re losing your mind.

All you can focus on is Isack, the look of him all sweaty, lip between his teeth and his abs flexing as he pumps himself inside you again and again. You can’t even tell him how good he’s making you feel, the only thing coming out of your mouth is little ‘ah-ah-ahs!’ and broken intervals of his name.

Isack seems to be having the opposite effect though, his mouth won’t stop running.

“I’ve wanted you like this for so long, since that fucking dinner party.” The hand not still linked in yours slides down onto your stomach and presses down just below your belly button and you scream.

“Fuuuck yeah bébé” he lifts one of your legs over your shoulder, cock reaching into you so impossibly deep.

“Wanted you so bad in Monaco too, would’ve told my manager to piss off just so I could bend you over that sofa in my drivers room.” he grunts out voice rough from exertion.

“And you’d let me too huh pretty girl, let m-oh fuck let me take you in that tiny room where everyone could hear how good I make you feel.” you clench around him hard at the thought. “mph-yes yes Zack please don’t stop!”

“Mon dieu look at you.” he’s babbling more to himself now, getting closer and closer to his peak. “Comment je suis censé penser à autre chose maintenant ? Je pourrais vivre dans ta chatte.” How am I supposed to think about anything else now? I could live in your pussy

His hips switch into a deep grind, pelvic bone brushing against your clit in a way that has you seeing stars.

Your orgasm hits you so quickly you don’t even have time to think let alone warn him. Your cunt spasming around him pushes him to his climax soon after and he wails out hotly against your throat.

“Holy shit.” he whispers before collapsing on top of you, sweaty and spent. He rolls over to toss the condom in the bin before immediately pulling your back into his chest.

It’s silent for a while, you two just basking in the afterglow before he presses soft kisses onto the back of your shoulders and neck.

“That was worth the wait, no?” you have no idea how he can sound so smug so soon after but you can’t help but agree.

“Of course, just never make me wait that long again.” you joke, turning in his arms to face him. Hands tracing over those beauty marks you love so much.

“We can go again if you want.” he says, wriggling his brows with a cheeky smile.

“Isack!” you laugh pushing his head away.

Ending was shit but thank you sm for reading! hope you enjoyed! 🫶🏾

[strawberryblue-blog]

Secret love —Pau Cubarsi.

Summary: One night in your vacation with your brother's friends and your little crush on Pau.

Warning: Yes. +18. Smut, soft, cute, vanilla sex, p in v, unprotected sex.

Words count: +2.5k

The sun beat down on the hotel window as you skirted the shore with your murada. The salty breeze came through the crack, mingling with the music coming out of the speakers. It was the second day of your vacation with your brother's group of friends, Pablo. You had signed up a little out of inertia, a little to escape the routine and a little, let's face it because you felt like a change of scenery. You came with the idea of spending time with your brother and his friends, to enjoy the sea, the sun and maybe disconnect a little.

Tonight, after dinner at a nearby restaurant, you decided to go back to the hotel, you had planned to go down to the hotel bar to have a drink and clear your head full of things, although you know that the real reason why your thoughts are in disarray has a name.

Pau Cubarsi.

One of your brother's friends, a promising young Spanish soccer player. A nice, shy and cheerful boy who steals your sighs when you see him near you. Although you like to dream of him as something platonic, it's obvious that you could never be something. It was obvious that you liked him but you tried to ignore your sudden feelings for him.

So tonight you decided not to go out, because after dinner the boys were going to a beach party at the same hotel and you were not in the 'mood' according to you. You wanted to stay at the hotel, walk around the place by yourself and maybe find some fun.

But your body stops completely when you stare at the bar of the small luxurious bar of the place.

And he's there, at that bar, right now. With his hair tousled and a smile that always makes your legs tremble a little. He's alone, just a few people around him but each one in their own world. A shiver runs down your spine.

You're a little surprised that he didn't go to the beach party with the others, because you know how much he likes to enjoy himself with his friends. But here he is. Sitting with a glass of pina colada in front of him, he barely drinks and his eyes wander all over the place.

You stand there for a moment, people dodging past you as some dance to the tropical music, others chat, taking pictures or doing whatever they would do in a vacation bar at this hour.

You hesitate to approach, it's not like you guys have much of a relationship, you don't even know if he remembers you that much, you've barely seen each other since you arrived. You can't even think of what kind of topic you could talk about, it's probably awkward and that makes you nervous.

And when his eyes lift from his glass and see you approaching, they light up in that way that makes the air get a little thicker in your lungs.

"Hello" you say shyly. He smiles in greeting.

"You're not a sand party person either?" he says with a half-smile and you let out a soft laugh, already feeling your heart start to race.

"I think i'm more like «have a drink and go to bed early»" you reply, sliding into the seat next to him.

Your short strapless dress with blue flowers matches his summer shorts and his pale, detached shirt adds a fresh touch. It's a warm, starry night. You are both in the mood. It feels good.

"So a responsible girl, eh" he laughs and you shake your head, hiding the redness in your cheeks.

"Don't believe it so much" you raise your glass of gin and tonic to him and both of you toast with your shy smiles.

His eyes shine at you and you hide a lock of your hair shyly behind your ear to avert your gaze.

And so it begins. The talk flows as if you've had a thousand of these conversations before, though in reality it was always those short group exchanges where you pretended you didn't notice his every gesture. You ordered another round. The alcohol disinhibited you a bit and you began to feel more and more comfortable with Pau and he seemed to be the same way.

Now he tells you about his taste in classic movies and you can't help but laugh because it's exactly the same as yours. You talk about travels, about music, about little hidden dreams you didn't share with anyone in the group. And every time their gazes meet, there's a little lightning flash that they both feel but neither mentions.

Laughter escapes your mouths as you tell anecdotes. He tells you about the team and the things the guys do in the locker room. You tell him about your childhood with Pablo as your older brother and all the misfortunes you have experienced with him so far (as a joke).

His laughter is soft and delicate, his eyes disappear from your face when he laughs animatedly and his joy is contagious when you see him. His smile is perfect. He is perfect.

And in a moment, when you realize your knees are almost brushing his, you don't know when you've gotten so close. But you love it, you can't stop looking at him as he talks, his voice soft and calm. Suddenly you're more of a listener and your mind wanders with his words.

When you look at the clock, you realize it's already late. Very late. The bar is starting to empty and the lights are dimmer. You stand up, a little unsure.

"I think it's time to go back to the room" you say, trying to make your voice sound casual.

He nods but then adds. "I'll walk you out"

Your chest tightens sweetly as you listen to him. You walk together down the quiet corridors of the hotel, and though you don't say much, the electricity in the air is undeniable. As you reach the door to your room, you turn around to thank him for the company.

He has a shy smile and looks uneasy, as if he wants to say something. He scratches the back of his neck with a grimace when he sees you. You blink when his eyes connected with yours. You both look nervous. An electrically charged silence filled the air. You noticed him slowly approaching, with a gaze that made you feel vulnerable yet powerful. Your heart pounded in your chest. The two approach slowly as if someone else is pulling your bodies.

Before you could say anything, his lips found yours. You felt a shiver run through your body. You clung to his shoulders, reciprocating the kiss with the same intensity.

The kiss is gentle at first, almost shy. His lips brush against yours with a delicacy that makes you close your eyes and let out a sigh. But when his hands come up, one to your cheek and the other barely brushing your arm, the kiss becomes a little deeper, more confident. You respond, letting yourself be carried away by that warmth you'd been silently dreaming of for so long.

Your hands end up on his neck, his fingers tangle in your hair and the world shrinks to that small space where only his caresses and the way his mouth fits so well with yours exist.

When you pull apart, you're both breathing a little faster, your foreheads lean against each other for a second and your smiles mingle in sweet silence. You look at each other deeply for a few seconds, blushing, excited, wanting more.

You don't know if it's the little bit of alcohol they've had or the hot summer night but desire and passion begin to tense the atmosphere.

Your hand reaches for his and you take it under his bright gaze, pull him close and open the door to your room. Quietly but with a special vibe, you enter the room, you close the door carefully and turn to Pau.

You don't dare to ask but he doesn't either, he just grabs you by the face and pulls you closer to him. Again, his lips met yours. This time, the kiss was more urgent, more demanding. His hands ran down your back, caressing your skin dressed with delicacy. Your body shuddered under his touch.

In one swift movement, he lifted you up and sat you on the bed. He continued kissing you as he pulled your dress off. You felt his hot breath on your neck, his hands exploring every inch of your skin.

You open your eyes and look at him. His green eyes are full of longing of a palpable tenderness that disarms you. You smile softly, and he smiles back, relieved.

"You're so beautiful" he whispers, his voice husky.

You blush, looking away. He lifts your chin with a finger, forcing you to look at him again.

"I mean it" he insists. "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life"

You think he's exaggerating but the sincerity in his eyes convinces you. You feel vulnerable, exposed but at the same time, incredibly confident.

Your hands caress the side of his angelic face as you smile gratefully.

"You too, Pau" you stroke his hair and he shakes his head laughing. "You're an angel" you say in admiration.

He pulls you to him, wrapping you in his arms. His embrace is strong, protective. You feel small and safe within his embrace. You let your arms go around him too, clinging to his back.

"Are...are you sure?" he asks, his voice a shaky whisper.

You nod, swallowing spittle. Your heart pounds, a wild drumming that echoes in your ears. "Yes, Pau. I'm sure."

He nods, taking a deep breath. He begins to stroke your arm, gently moving up and down. His touch is slow, deliberate, as if he's learning the map of your skin. You feel the electricity coursing through your body, awakening every nerve in its path.

He slowly undoes the buttons of your dress one by one. Each button that opens is another step closer to intimacy, to vulnerability. When the dress is completely open, he stops. He looks at you, seeking your approval.

You nod again, your heart beating even faster. He slides the straps off your shoulders with your help, letting it fall to the floor. You are now wearing only the lacy bra. He looks at you for a few seconds and though you're a little embarrassed, you bite your lip holding your security.

He reaches out and caresses the exposed skin of your breast. His fingers move gently, describing soft circles around your nipples. You feel them bristle, responding to his touch.

He leans down and kisses your neck. His lips rest on your skin, leaving a warm, moist trail. You gasp, feeling a shiver run down your back.

He carefully removes your bra and your breasts are exposed. He admires them for a moment, an expression of wonder on his face. Then he brings his mouth close and kisses your nipple. You close your eyes, moaning softly. The sensation is intense, overwhelming. He continues kissing and licking your breasts, alternating between one and the other. Your hands tangle in his hair, tugging gently. You want more, need more.

You hold your breath, holding your moans and whisper his name softly. He looks up quickly.

"Do you want me to stop?" he asks, his voice heavy with concern.

You shake your head. "Don't stop" you plead. "Please."

He smiles and kisses you again. This time, the kiss is wilder, more passionate. Your tongues intertwine, exploring each other. You feel heat building in your belly, a fire that threatens to consume you.

Every movement is an act of love, a promise of pleasure. When you are finally naked, you feel exposed, but also liberated.

He takes off his clothes too, revealing his body for the first time. Although you've seen him shirtless before, this time, it's different and you love it. You admire him silently, appreciating the strength of his muscles, the smoothness of his skin. He is beautiful, perfect. Your fingers move across his pale skin, while Pau kisses your shoulder, you take the opportunity to caress his shoulders, his back, even his muscular arms.

Your mouth goes to his chest and you kiss his collarbones first, in a trail of kisses and gentle touches, you continue down his chest and pecs.

"Shit, wait" he says softly. "Pablo, he... We forgot for a second" he shakes his head and you look at him.

Your hands take his face gently.

"We're adults, Pau" you murmur trying to reassure him. "It's fine if you want to stop this but I'm not at all interested in thinking about my brother right now" you say trying to make him laugh.

He laughs biting his lip. "Not a good image right now" he whispers looking into your eyes.

Silence falls between you. But it is warm and calm. His hands move and encircle your cheeks as well.

"God, you're so beautiful" he whispers as your foreheads meet. "Pablo will have to forgive me, I won't be a good friend for tonight"

"There will be nothing to forgive, Pau. I want you" your words are clear and sure.

You feel the beat of his heart against yours, a perfect synchrony. Your bodies come together, skin to skin. The sensation is incredible, magical.

He starts kissing you again, kisses that run all over your body, from your forehead to your toes. Each kiss is a declaration of love, a promise of surrender.

Time stands still. Only the two of you exist, in this small space illuminated by the light of the salt lamp. You explore each other, discovering every inch of each other's bodies. Each touch, each kiss, is a new adventure, a new form of connection. He is slow, taking the time to appreciate your body, to kiss every corner of your skin. His fingers run down your chest, your hands, trace little paths on your skin as you join body and soul, moaning in unison.

He kisses your lips delicately as he makes you see stars, moving inside you sweetly. Your nails dig into his muscular back trying to grab you as you bite your lips to hide the moans coming from your mouth but it's unavoidable. Your sweaty skins glistens in the dim light of the night as his kisses trail down your neck and your hands incarnate in his hair. You tug as pleasure washes over you, Pau growls against your skin and bites down, making you cry out.

The climax comes like a wave, sweeping over you with its force. You cling to Pau tightly, feeling his body tense at the same time as yours. You moan, you scream, you let yourself be carried away by the intensity of the moment.

When the wave recedes, you feel exhausted but also incredibly satisfied. You snuggle into his arms, breathing deeply. He hugs you tightly, kissing your hair.

"That was...amazing" he whispers, his voice husky.

You smile. "It was perfect."

"Can I... Can I stay?" He asks somewhat shyly as he strokes your hair.

Your heart leaps with happiness as you hear him, a somewhat different sensation than you've felt other times. You can't even describe it.

Does he really want to stay? After what you two have done? Is this a dream?

"Of course you can, Pau" you smile snuggling into his chest.

His hands wrap around you, pulling you even closer than he can. Calm surrounds you as your breaths mingle in the closeness of your bodies.

Silence settles between you again, a silence of contentment, of intimacy, of love. You fall asleep in his arms, feeling safe, protected, loved. You know that this night will be an indelible memory, a special moment that you will treasure forever. The first time, a magical encounter, a mutual discovery.

[positively-mine]

You're a girl?!

how they find out you're a girl and their reactions

tags: afab (Floyd's part talks abt female anatomy), slight spoilers, lmk if there's any other

Series: ❤️ 🧡 🩵 💛 💜 💙 💚

Azul

After his overblot incident, he assumed that you both had ended up becoming acquaintance (he won't give up on his 2nd branch at ramshackle). So he's keeping an ear out for opportunities. Also since he has contracts with so many students, he hears an unusual rumour. The ramshackle prefect is apparently female? Well, he'll just have to check it out for himself. Sends jade to snoop around but not in a perverted way.

Once the rumours were confirmed to be true, Azul literally bursts into flames. The memories of treating you so ungentlemanly all come flooding into his head. And you saw his chubby baby picture??? Unbelievable. In all honesty though, he doesn't try to get into contracts with you. Doesn't apply to the people around you. We both know who I'm talking about. Even if your friends can't pay, he won't threaten you that he knows because there must be a reason why you're hiding it. He couldn't imagine how he'd feel if someone did that to him with his baby picture.

Jade

He knew from the start. I don't know how but he knows. It's like his secret power. Doesn't do much, but he likes to tease. Either when you're in a crowded space or when you're with your friends. He'll drop subtle hints that you're a female but nothing major. Just enough for you to know that he knows 😐

Overall 4/10 because he keeps messing around with you but since he's one of my favorites we'll forgive and forget. Won't tell Azul because it's HIS secret. So you don't need to worry about Azul threatening you into a deal.

Floyd

He knew as soon as he squeezed you. The minute he wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you up to his chest he knew. Something along the lines of "eh? Shrimpy, what's this lumpy things on your chest?" And it doesn't help that his voice is l o u d. Once it clicks in his head, he's smiling mischievously at you.

He seems like someone who will use your secret against you. He's bored? He'll come find you. You don't want to hang out? Do the rest of the student body know you're a girl? Yeah, so approach with caution. Once you stop showing any reaction towards his threats, he gets grumpy and pouts. Just make sure you placate him somehow. Because one day he really might just scream out to everyone that you're a girl.

reblogs appreciated!

[stillaclownlol]

Gonna throw up If I can't talk about them-

Bunch of Aiden analysis under the cut because he's just SO OBSESSED CODED AND NOBODY TALKS ABOUT IT 😭 (I will be very weird about it)

The way it's so doomed from the start. He's already so fascinated by her. It's in the little jump he does when she sits in front of him, like a secret they're both in on, like her sitting in front of him is some obscure way of her inviting him into a conversation.

Why is he like this (not positive but not negative either)

He has such a cocktail of personality traits and, most certainly, mental disorders, and his own history that makes it so, when he's in love, that it WILL blow up in his face.

The fact that he's been homeschooled for his entire life- he has no idea. HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW. He doesnt realize that its not normal. of course he doesn't :( His parents obviously leave him alone for long stretches of time and he doesn't seem to mind this. He hasn't had the chance to develop his social skills at all-

It's why he's so, let's be real, creepy. Ash makes it very clear she's not interested and he just keeps worming his way into her life. He plots so that she'll go on the field trip, he follows her around, he goes to her fucking house on the first day. LIKE, HELLO? RED FLAG?

He's having evil thoughts here I swear 💀

And already so quickly after meeting her he makes Ash his priority. He asks to sit next to her, he engages and makes an effort to talk to her. Tries to joke around with her. Gives her a nickname. Touches her. He's so touchy.

And defends her!!! When Tyler gets pissed at Ash, he honestly goes off on him even tho he KNOWS Ash can defend herself- and he's so...dark about it. There's a threat hidden behind his words. He's MAD here, right? Tell me I'm not crazy, please-

He also very clearly has violence on the forefront of his mind 💀 He's the first one to actively attack the phantoms; not to defend himself, not to defend somebody else (well, he pulls Ash out of the way), but for fun. And he's disappointed when they don't scream. He's sadistic, he likes causing pain, it's something he relishes in.

I mean look at how he smiles!!! None of the other kids have such an...active ENJOYMENT in fighting the phantoms, but for Aiden, it's almost like he finds relief in it, some way to vent out his frustrations. He's eager for a fight, for a thrill.

That's how Aiden sustains himself, he pretty much operates under "I'm here for a good time, not a long time." Everything he does gives him a boost of adrenaline, no matter the consequences. He got into a fight? Eh, who cares about all the bruises, at least it got his blood rushing. Broke a bone while doing parkour or smth? Whatever, the way his stomach dropped when he was falling as totally worth it.

It's a very dangerous mentality to live with, obviously. He's an adrenaline junkie. He's an addict. More than anything else, Aiden wants something that makes him feel alive.

And what makes you feel more alive than love?

Like not to minimise or anything but he's known her for like. 2-3 months- and he's already SO scared of losing her. Like I just don't think he would have had this type of reaction with anybody else besides Ben. He would have absolutely lost his shit if Ash 'died'.

He's a straight up love junkie. He's obsessive. Nothing beats the high love can give you. It overrules everything else. If Ash (or whoever he's interested in) feels bad because of smth, he's done with it.

He LIKED dying. He LIKED the adrenaline rush. But he won't do it again. Not because he had some realization that he didn't want to die, that he still wanted to live and do things, but because Ash was upset. Because this, this rush of care from her part, the way she was so scared of him dying that she was shaking, nothing could fill the hole in his heart better than that. And now that he has a taste for it, he won't let go easy. He will keep on living- if it means Ash will be by his side.

Which is a very dangerous position to put her in. Ash already feels responsible for her friends, and she doesn't even know that Aiden has "put" his life in her hands, not that it's her responsibility, because it isn't, but she will certainly feel responsible if Aiden does something FOR her.

Like He's so fucking obsessed and he doesn't even realize it- like look at how he sees her 😭 THE HEAVENLY GLOOOOOOW, LIKE SHES AN ANGEL AND HE THINKS SHE CAN SAVE HIM. BABY SHE CANT, YOU HAVE TO SAVE YOURSELF.

He could spiral so fucking bad. He could do some absolutely heinous things. Because he just doesn't know. He doesn't know how to love truly, yet. For him love really is that rush of adrenaline, the knife carving out his heart, he could be putty in her hands, or her executioner. This love that can be so obsessive, that he NEEDS it to function, like its water, like its the air he breathes. Its a compulsion, a fixation, a longing that burrows into your very soul. Ash doesn't even know what she's getting herself into-

Godddddd, it makes me so sick/ pos, it's SO FUCKING INTERESTINGGGGGG. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

I literally cannot function around this drawing 🫠

The. The hand. That way he's grabbing her. He's pulling her back. Towards HIM. like "this is mine. And I'm not sharing." And that little fucking look in his eyes, he just looks SO fucking pleased with himself. And Ash looks so...resigned. they're so doomed-coded, i love them so bad.

I don't know how I was supposed to NOT make a killer au, when he's just...like that around her.

Love is a wonderful thing. But love is also cruel, it is vicious, it is possessive and obsessive, and it will leave carnage in its wake.

Romantic love is an obsession. It possesses you. You lose your sense of self. You cannot stop thinking about another human being. -Helen Fisher

[bunny-jpeg]

but i'm so proud

lance stroll

tags: smut & fluff, gentle sex, uni student!reader, established relationship (dating), loving!lance, pull out method, missionary, praise

a/n: i wish every lance fan a happy and successful exam season!

two more exams. that was all that it took to finish your degree. this had been going on for too long, but after covid school got harder for you. it was hard to get back into the headspace of academia even after all these years later. but you were hopeful for this final semester of school.

you'd finally be done and you could hang-up that lovely (expensive) degree and finally work towards forging a career for yourself. but you weren't quite there yet, and as you stared at your notes so hard your vision began to blur. you needed a little help, and you knew the one person who could.

lance.

his arm draped over the back of the couch, still enough reach to rub your shoulder as you looked at him with tired eyes. the bags under your eyes had been darkening for the past week and your caffeine consumption was at all time high.

"you need sleep." your boyfriend said.

"i need to pass." you whined as you rested up against his chest and puffed out your cheeks, "i don't need another semester here. i want to finally be done. so i can visit you at more races and actually make a name for myself." you looked up at him. there was a tiredness to your gaze and lance rubbed his thumb across your cheekbone lovingly.

"can't very well do that when you're next exhausted, eh?" he asked as he rubbed your back, "how about you call it quits tonight and tomorrow morning before i go out i'll quiz you." he pulled you away a little to look you in the eyes.

you nodded softly, "sounds good." then let lance kiss you deeply on the lips. you melted into the kiss a little, finding every ounce of comfort in his lips. you were exhausted and beyond burnt out. you let him touch you, give you that affection you desired. to feel close and loved.

he led you to your bedroom and laid out across the mattress with you. he rubbed your back with your face pressed against his chest. it felt right, it felt good. it felt the kind of right that made you rub your thighs together.

"i'm so proud of you." he said lowly, "do you have any idea how proud i am of you." he rubbed your behind and your upper thigh, "trying so hard every day to be the best. i'm proud of you and i can't wait for you to hang up that degree."

you went in for a heated kiss, you melted into him and curled yourself closer to him. it felt good, it was the kind of amazing feeling that left butterflies in your stomach.

the kiss deepened, you wanted more than just his words of affirmation. you wanted him all over, you wanted to feel the closeness to him. as much as you could. he held onto you tightly and placed you on your back.

you reached out and cupped his face. he smiled at you. he was really good looking, you've seen the comments online. but you didn't believe them, what did they know? they didn't get to see him the way you did. you pulled him in for another heated kiss and you rubbed your legs together.

he moaned into the kiss and planted his hands on either side of you. he relaxed as the kiss further in intensity. felt amazing to him. when it eventually broke, he looked into your eyes for a brief moment before he grinned to himself.

clothes came off soon after. his hands trailed across your body with such heated want as you struggled to get your t-shirt off. he eventually helped you then kissed your breasts as he got your bra off. he rubbed himself up against you and gave you one last look before he said, "you're beautiful too. brains, beauty, you got it all, baby." then took off your panties.

soon you were both left naked in bed together. he continued to feel up your body and you giggled into his kisses before you ended up on your back once more. another glance was shared and then another kiss before lance got between your legs.

"ready for me?" he asked softly.

you nodded, "for you? always." then tensed up as he inched his cock inside of you. you swore under your breath and his breath hitched at the feeling. every time felt like the first time in the best way.

"how's that?" he asked softly.

you looked up at him and nodded, "good, yeah. great." you said already a little out of breath. you reached out and held onto his shoulders for a moment before you wrapped your arms around him.

it allowed him to lean in closer to kiss you on the lips. the two of you kissed as his thrusts started off slow but with force. it felt good, a steady pace that made your toes curl.

"you feel great, babe." he said lowly, "you know that right? that i think everything about is perfect." he groaned as his pace gained speed and the two of you started to move together. held on tightly to each other while the kisses continued.

you could feel your ears burn from his compliments, they made you only grow hotter with each strong stroke of his thrusts. you felt a flutter in your chest. you knew that he loved you, he loved you deeply. you were everything to him. you cheered him on and he matched that energy.

"you feel great too." you replied but lance shushed you.

"accept the compliments, honey." he said, "this is about you tonight. you need all the support you can get before your exam. all the relaxation i can provide you." he held onto the covers once more for a bit more leverage as he moved against you.

"flirt."

"only for you." he said lowly.

you could feel the tingle in your body. your held on tighter and curled yourself a little to give him a better angle to thrust up inside of you. the new angle made everything feel more intense.

"fuck, lance."

he chuckled and moved faster. he eyed your expressions, how they changed a little with each thrust. he licked his lips, "i can't wait to see that degree. you better send me a hundred photos of it. i want to see it in all of its glory." his voice was seductive and the way he spoke with such pride about you made your cunt clench around him.

"i love you."

he licked his lips and before he went in for another kiss, he replied, "and i love you more than you know." you used to say that he was an idiot for standing by you even after so many failures in school. and he replied that you stood by him through every bad race - every dnf, every 20th place. everything. he kissed you once more and gripped onto the white covers tightly.

you felt the excitement rush through you. the feeling of being under him while he made you feel good. you whined a little bit and held onto his shoulders a little tighter.

he pressed his forehead against yours, and the two of you moved together in sync. you were both sweaty, but neither care. you just yearned to feel the intense closeness.

you swore under your breath as the pleasure continued to climb through you. it was an amazing feeling. your toes curled and you felt the pick up in your pulse. "lance."

"i've got you, baby. fuck, you feel so good under me. i love how you look, how you feel. you're beautiful, baby. all mine. you're gonna kill it on that exam."

you felt flushed at the words, which only fueled the pleasure in your core. the kisses continued, they got more heated as you felt yourself close to climax. your nails dug into his shoulders when you finally came around his cock.

"fuck, baby." he purred.

you held on tightly still as he worked himself against you. the pleasure bloomed all over and made you feel flushed with heat. it felt good, so good. you couldn't deny the feeling.

"my everything." he purred.

"back atcha." you said in a heightened euphoric state.

lance quickly pulled out and stroked his cock, slick with your wetness until he came all over your stomach with a heavy groan. he squeezed his eyes shut and swore under his breath. that felt really good. he slowed his strokes to a stop and looked you in the eyes.

you chuckled lightly, still out of breath and sweaty, "now that's stress relief." and before he could grab you for a kiss you said, "clean me up first, lance!" and then laughed loudly.

-

"doesn't look too bad." lance said as he stood beside you as you pulled away from the wall. he wrapped his arm around you and looked down at you, "going to try for your master's next?"

"ugh, let me think about it." you chuckled before you leaned in to kiss him on the lips. he held you close as you both looked at the diploma on the wall. you then said, "just need a wdc on the shelf next to it to really tie it together."

"i'll work on that." lance said with a small smirk. <3

[nyarumie]

Suit Anomaly. (Oneshot)

hoshina soshiro x reader — 919 words. established relationship, kissing, making out, mentioned 'she' pronouns for reader.

Just a small break from my ongoing Narumi fic, which is linked on my pinned post! Please do check it out too 🫶

Click here for part 2! Cross-posted on Ao3.

Requests, prompts, or any messages are appreciated! Just open my ask box.

A staring contest in the middle of the highly confidential training facility has apparently been going on for a couple of minutes. You maintained a good distance between Soshiro and yourself, just enough to bend your upper body forward and stare into the eyes of Kaiju no.10 in his suit. (The Kaiju, in fact, refuses to open its eyes).

"Can this guy see anything?" you asked.

Eh? This guy?

Soshiro can't believe you just addressed the Kaiju in his suit as just some guy. What were you even doing? Testing the No. 10 suit wasn't on his schedule today, but you managed to pester Okonogi into "checking it out for anomalies" because of how bad they performed in yesterday's target training.

It was Okonogi who answered you from above, "Yes. Because its consciousness is fully retained, you can still think of it as a Kaiju, albeit taking the form of a Defense Force suit."

"Why's it ignoring me then? Soshiro, is this like a pet of yours? Maybe you need to tame it, you're good at that anyways." you said, now standing upright, still staring at the eye hole of the suit. "Your performance was still shit yesterday, Kaiju No. 10."

Finally, it opened its eye. "I'm not this bowlcut's pet!" it growled at you.

"So you do have an eye. You can do better at target practice, yeah? Your tail is aggressively wagging, by the way." you said, your stare turning cold now that it decided to open its eyes.

Soshiro clapped his hands once, a sign that you both need to stop arguing. Scratching the back of his head, he whined your name. "It's supposed to be my off-day from training, ya know? What was the anomaly check ya said yesterday?"

You sighed, a hand in one hip. You walked closer, ignoring the panicked warning of Okonogi that you're entering dangerous territory. Soshiro was uncharacteristically taken by surprise when you hooked a hand behind his neck and comfortably placed your other hand on his chest, pulling him closer.

Before you can even do anything, you hear the suit's tail wave around more aggressively than before, almost destroying the floor behind Soshiro. "... So that's what's up." you said, still retaining the quite intimate position you both are in.

"Fine! FINE!! You got me, can the both of you stop doing that every damn time?! You humans are so weird!" the Kaiju wailed.

And it closed its eye again.

Confused, Soshiro placed both his hands on either side of your waist. "Dear, what's goin' on?"

"I'm afraid we shouldn't work together on the field if you're using that suit."

He frowned, "But nothin' else tops our teamwork. Are ya worried this suit will kill you?"

You feel laughter threatening to spill from your lips. 'How adorable. For a hella smart guy, he's so clueless this time; they really refuse to read each other's mind, don't they?' you thought.

You cleared your throat to control yourself, explaining the anomaly you discovered. "Dear, the Kaiju is flustered."

He's so dumbfounded right now.

"This Kaiju? Flustered?" Is that even possible? "From what?" he asked.

Suddenly finding the entire situation funny, your attitude from earlier drastically changed. "Allow me to elaborate, then!" you said, humor visible from your eyes.

"Its tail wagging aggressively and eye closing during your target exercises whenever I'm around—because you kiss me so much, it can't stand seeing me without remembering it!" you laughed.

You hear Kaiju No. 10 grumble a complain, sounding something like what a "needy bastard" Soshiro is.

Ah. "Well buddy, ya gotta learn how to cope with it. She's my partner on-field and off-field. Ya can stand my blades, but not a kiss?" Soshiro said, slightly amused at the situation.

Its tail got aggressive again. "Shut up! You're basically devouring her mouth! Do humans really need to hold each other closely while doing it?! I'm your suit—I can feel your body heat up from it, you bastard!" it spouted.

You raise your eyebrow at him. "Oh?"

Okonogi took this as a sign to temporarily leave the room, sighing at how silly this entire thing is.

"Well, m'dear, the Kaiju didn't lie." he teasingly said, grinning as he pulled you even closer and cupping your face in one hand. "How 'bout we give it a sample right now? It needs time getting used to us, don'tcha agree?"

Before you were even able to reply, he dipped and kissed your lips fully.

You let out a surprised sound, feeling him angling his lips better as his tongue prodded access to your mouth. 'Such intensity for a sample,' you thought. Your hand subtly pulled on his hair, the both of you moaning as your tongues danced with each other.

He reluctantly pulled away as he felt you pat his chest, a silent plea for air.

"How are ya feeling?"

"Beyond amazing. Might need more later."

You jumped at the voice that boomed from the suit, "You bastards done? I may be able to close my eye, but I can hear everything!! You're both the most disgusting humans ever!"

Soshiro huffed, "Quit whinin', you're such a drama queen. Get used to it, it's part of yer training."

"Ahem." You both hear a voice from above.

Ah, it's the Captain. Did Okonogi fetch her?

"Don'tcha worry Captain Ashiro, we're wrapping up already." he said.

Soshiro and you made your way back to the control room, announcing that the anomaly has been "taken care of".

[elmushterri]

I filled an entire page of my sketchbook with Nori!

I love them sm!!! This has to be one of my favorite of your rewrites, I seriously did not think I could actually care abt PJ Masks past the age of 6 but now I'm obsessed 😭

On another note, just a random thing I'm curious about, before breaking off from GunnTech, did the main three basically live at the facility since they were initiated? I guess they do from what I’ve seen, but I was just wondering if they ever had to go to like. School or something, when they're not training. And if they ever got to see their family again (though I doubt both the kids and their family would want to lol)

And one more thing, totally important and necessary to ask, how does Nori acquire the kids? (..that doesnt sound right)

Like does he break in to the facility from time to time or did they just bring them with him when they left GunnTech or does he take them in when he finds them just out and about??

NORI… OUR FAVOURITE PROBLEM! The way you draw eyes scratches my brain /positive.

I think the idea is that everyone does live at GunnTech, they have rooms and go to school. GunnTech also has a prison somewhere (like, sci fi, clean, sterile white prison, a glass front-wall for cells instead of bars, and that’s where everyone gets put in Season 4. But, before that, when the main three villains (or at least, just Luna and Nori) escaped, it wasn’t totally locked down so they had to walk out suspiciously/tell the security guards reasons (you need to give reasons when leaving GunnTech so, “I’m hanging out with a friend” comes with ‘who is the friend + give us contact details’) and then probably remove a tracker (unsure as to whether the wristbands are the trackers or the trackers are put into their chest implants), and try to avoid getting caught for the rest of the time (until season 3-4 ofc). The main story probably begins with the three MCs trying to find them and bring them back. Romeo’s wanted cause he stole tech, though, he’s not a mutant.

Nori risks his life basically (not literally but he risks huge punishment) by constantly breaking into the facility to get out new kids. Kids who haven’t yet been mutated all have one room (several large rooms for many kids’ bunk beds basically, not literally one big room 😭) and he goes in and saves one or two each time. Some kids don’t *want* to come with him, thinking this is a cool superhero opportunity. He has an easier time helping kids who are scared and having second thoughts. He’s very gentle.

Also reminder that Nori had their finger prints burned off yipeeee. He’s not letting that happen to the others. (It doesn’t happen to every kid, but GunnTech probably has categories (like, heroes: animals, space, spies, drivers, healers?) and if you’re in the (name is a work in progress) Spies Category (stealth category?) like Nori, you get your finger prints burned off.

Daisy is canonically one of the only two Ninjalino names we know! I might make her into a small side character so that art isn’t 100% solid but eh!

Also he can’t really just “take them back to their parents”. If you’re a child at GunnTech, your parents either gave you away for money or you’re an orphan.

Nori’s usually a sassy ‘problem’ but they have their really serious and gentle moments.

[tttt06]

Hiii again , may I please request an angst to smut with Mr. Bangchan . Where y/n is a physical therapist in South Korea for mainly kpop idols. And she basically best friends with Bangchan and many other artist too. Y/n basically is in love with Chan but she pushes those feeling away because she feel like she doesn’t deserve or isn’t good enough for them. Plus she in experience with love. Bang Chan also loves her but feels like he doesn’t deserve her love either and think being with him is bad. Basically they both would do anything for enough other except be with each other. But one day y/n can no longer take it and decide to move away from South Korea and is threatened to confess to Bangchan. After she confess she leaves and he does everything to find her. And once he does mega hot lovemaking smut 🥹

Oh It would be an honor!

Chase Me

IdolBangChan x PhysicalTherapist

Black Reader

Request are open! I reply quickly. Masterlist here

Synopsis~ Y/N's dream was to be a physical therapist. She enjoyed helping people. When she got the opportunity to work in Korea, she took it as a way to explore the world. She worked primarily with Idols. Getting close to Chan specifically.

Warnings~ Angst, slow burn, smut, rough, praise kink. Body image problems. Use of 'nigga' WE BLACK SO WE SAY IT!

Word Count~ 11.7K

I dug into Vernon's leg to relieve the strain. "You tell me the next time you feel pain here. We might need to do more physical therapy in the future."

He nodded as he scrolled through his phone. He was lying on his stomach while scrolling through Twitter. 

I threw him a piece of candy, and he ate it. "Thanks. I told Seungcheol about you. His ACL recently got torn, and he could need a physical therapist when he gets out of the hospital."

"Ouch, that sounds painful. How is Seungcheol doing?" He sighed, "He's been in and out of surgeries." 

I smiled, "He'll be okay though. I can help him with ease." 

I walked him to the front desk so he could set up his next appointment. 

I walked to my office to type in my chart findings and looked at my schedule for my next patient. 

Chan was next on the list. 

Chan was the first client I got. I've gotten close to him over the years. I love to pretend to be professional, but he knows I'm just as silly as him.

Chan reported problems with his neck. He injured his neck a long time ago and was almost paralyzed. I've worked with him to make sure he is staying healthy. 

I finished up my paperwork and walked to the patient's room. Chan was sitting on the chair as I smiled. "Hey! How have you been?!" 

Chan's smile lit up when he saw me. His dimples popped out as he said, "I would say good, but I am here."

I laughed, "Right. Now, can you go over the problem again?" He nodded and then winced. "My neck. I've been getting worse cramps there than usual." 

I asked as I walked closer to touch his neck. "Hm, have you been sleeping?" He laughed, "I've been working on our album and practice." 

I nodded, "riiighhtt..." I purposely elongated to mock him.

I continued, "Chan, it won't get better if you don't rest up. I can help for quick relief, but if you keep going at this, I'll call your company and tell them to make you take time off."

I crossed my arms as I watched the fear bubble in his eyes. I asked, "You want me to be the bad guy?" He shook his head and then whinced again.

I sighed and walked over, quickly massaging into the muscles. Chan always had big muscles, but I felt Chan was getting bigger. 

Exercising without enough sleep can cause more problems. Causing you to feel restless instead of better.

"Have you been working out with Changbin?" He smiled, "Eh, well... No. He's crazy in the gym." 

I quirked an eyebrow as I hit the spot that hurt. Chan groaned under my touch, and my face heated up. I bit my lip and closed my eyes. 

It was unprofessional and wrong as a friend. It turned me on when Chan groaned.

"He knows how to work out without hurting himself." I pulled away and smiled at him. "When you're working on, let's say, your shoulders, don't put so much strain on your neck. It causes more problems. Rest, eat well, and please don't come in here with easily fixable problems."

I tossed him a piece of candy, and he groaned, "Can I take you out to a meal. For a thank you?" 

I paused as my face got hot. "That wouldn't be professional of me."

He laughed, "It's just a thank you for keeping me healthy. The boys don't boss me around as much since I moved to your therapy."

I smiled and turned to pack up. "It's my job, Chan." He laughed reluctantly. "Yeah. Just let me buy you lunch sometime." 

I turned back to him, "Why not." He smiled, "Yay! Thank you!" He hugged me tightly. 

I laughed, "See you at your next appointment." He smiled and walked out. 

I sighed, checking to see the rest of my schedule. I had Yunjin and an older woman. 

The rest of the day would be easy. I walked to the lunch room to see my co-worker and best friend, Hwan.

We both moved to this clinic around the same time. We took each other out for meals and grew closer. 

"You have fun today?" I quirked an eyebrow, "What are you saying?" He smiled, "Your crush on Bang Chan? Did you have fun touching him? Remember what you said? You liked it when he groaned and-"

I covered his mouth, "You close your freaking mouth!" 

He smiled, "Ooh, I made her mad! Y/N, you never get mad." 

I squinted at him, "I don't like to get upset over idiots." 

Hwan laughed, "Geez, and you're getting mean. What happened to the shy Y/N?" I rolled my eyes, "Be quiet, Hwan."

I threw my keys on the counter and answered my ringing phone. "Hey, Mom." She smiled, "Hey! How's my favorite daughter?" I said, "I'm your only daughter, Mom." 

I could hear the smile in her voice, "Well, your troublemaker brother isn't anything like you." I smiled, "Don't compare us, Mom. Miles is his own person."

She sighed, "I guess. Miles is getting into more trouble at school these days." I smiled, "Well, he's a teen. Expect him to drink and smoke, fight, and go crazy. He's young." 

My Mom laughed, "How did I raise such an easy-going daughter and intense son? You two are opposites." 

I let my shoulder hold my phone to my ear as I threw off my shoes. "I don't know, Mom. How are you doing, though?" 

She laughed, "I'm okay. I'm your Mom. I'm always okay." 

My Dad died recently. My little brother Miles had been acting out because of it. My Mom suffers from back problems that make it hard for her to work for long periods of hours. 

So, when I got my job, I started giving them money to take care of them. It's hard for me too. It feels lonely and empty here, so I can only imagine how it feels on the other end. 

I focus on work and only work for my family. I can't lie. It hurts to think about my Dad. My Mom said I got his personality running through my blood. 

He was a Doctor. He died from a disease that spread in the hospital. We couldn't even see him. The entire hospital was contaminated. 

I got myself out of those thoughts, "You make sure you take care of yourself. I love you, Mom, I have to finish some work stuff, and I'm heading to bed." She sighed, "My little busy bee. I love you, too. Be safe, okay?" 

I smiled, "It's okay, Mom. I work in physical therapy." "I know. I just... I worry." Tears pricked inside my eyes. "I'm okay, Mom." She sniffled, "Okay, bye, baby." "Bye, Mom." I hung up and wiped the tears from my eyes.

I can't call my Mom like before. She reminds me of my Dad, and it hurts. 

I need a distraction. 

I showered and sat at my computer with a glass of wine. I looked through my schedule for tomorrow and took notes for the next day. 

One less thing to worry about. 

I sighed as I leaned back in my chair. I got a text.

.

.

.

Hwan Sauce

We going out tonight?🗣

Hwan Sauce

FUCK ANSWER! I'M BORED AND WANT TO GET FOOD AND A DRINK!🗣🗣😫😫

Hwan Sauce

I have to gossip in person😍😍

You

How are you a straight male

Hwan Sauce

Stfu, meet me at the regular.😁

You

It's literally 9:30 meaning bedtime😅

Hwan Sauce

I'll get you home by 10🧑🏼‍🦲

You

okay fine.

.

.

.

I'm too nice.

Hwan was drunk, and it was 11:46pm. I snuck him water, and he drank. "Shit, I can't even taste alcohol anymore." 

I blinked, "I don't feel like letting you sleep on my couch."

I waved to our waiter, "Can you help me carry him to my car?" 

He nodded and helped me to the car. "Does your boyfriend get drunk like this often?" I looked at the tall waiter, "He's not my boyfriend. Just a close friend."

He nodded, "Ah, so do you have a boyfriend?" I shook my head, "I'm just a lonely girl."

He laughed, "Could I have your number then?" My eyes widened, "Oh... well, no. I'm not looking for anything with anyone." 

He smiled, "It could be casual." 

Hwan started to gag and threw up right on the waiter. "Oh my god. I'm sorry. I think he has a spare shirt in his car-" 

He looked at the puke, disgusted. There was a tinge of anger, "No, It's fine. This is fucking disgusting! C'mon, dude!" I looked at Hwan, "Don't yell at my friend." I climbed into the truck and slammed the door.

As I began to drive off, Hwan confessed, "I totally puked on him on purpose." I laughed, "I know you did. I don't like aggressive men anyway." 

Hwan said with slurs, "Yeah, he was pushy as hell!" I looked at Hwan and gave him my half-filled water bottle. 

He drank it with no problem. "Thanks for letting me rant about my sad relationship." 

I looked at Hwan before paying attention to the road again. "Yeah... it was a good distraction."

He glanced at me, "What do you mean? You okay?" I nodded with assurance all over my face. "Perfectly okay. Just thought this was entertaining."

He whined, "You don't care about me!" I laughed, "Hwan, shush." He shut up as we drove to my place.

The alarm blared in my ear as I woke up. Hwan was already up and walking in and out of my bathroom. "Hey! Where are my clothes when I need them?" I groaned and threw the covers over my head.

"Be quiet, Hwan." He smiled, "We have work!" I groaned. Hwan pulled the covers from my body, and I looked at him with anger burning in my eyes. 

"Are you serious?!" 

Hwan laughed, "Good morning. Now, where are my clothes?" I got up and stomped to the closet. I opened the drawer, and he pulled out his slacks and shirt. 

"Okay, thanks!" 

I sighed as I walked to my bathroom to get ready.

I got in the shower and did my makeup. Hwan was relaxing in my living room. "How are you okay after drinking your water weight last night?"

Hwan shrugged, "I took your meds." I pulled on my pants and walked to the door. "Put your shoes on, and let's go. You are not operating any machines until I give you an IV drip."

His lips turned into a thin line as he followed me. I called my little brother, and he answered on the second ring. "Hey, big sis. Heavy on the big." 

I climbed in the car, "Mom told me you're getting in trouble at school."

He laughed, "Yeah. What do you want me to say? Dad's death devastated me." 

I went silent. I held in the bubbling anger that was rising in me. 

Bringing up Dad like that is really messed up.

"You're the man of the house now. Stop hurting Mom more than she already is. She's hurting, too, idiot. I'll be visiting in a month. Please don't destroy anything before then."

I hung up on him and drove off. Hwan was silent for a while. 

"So... what's been going on with you and your brother? He usually listens to you."

I sighed deeply, "Our Dad died a couple months ago. He's been hurting."

Hwan furrowed his eyebrows and said, "Wh-what? You didn't tell me." I smiled, "I know. I don't want to talk about him."

Hwan said, "We don't have to." 

I nodded, "That would be preferred."

When we arrived at the office, a present was on my desk. It was a little lunch and an envelope.

I read it over. 

I know this is kind of short notice, but our Fanmeeting is in two days. Could you make it? 

-Bang Chan.

I looked at the food. It was homemade. I smiled, "Jesus, this guy is desperate."

I sat in my chair and texted Chan.

.

.

.

You

My answer is maybe

Chansome

Just MAYBE?! 🙁

You

It's hard to call off work.

Chansome

C'MONNN Y/N! WE'RE LITERALLY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

You

I'll ask Hwan if he can cover my shift

Chansome

yeah ask whoever that guy is.

You

'Whoever that guy is' Is the deciding factor of whether or not I'm coming to your fan meeting

Chansome

Right right. Thank 'whoever that guy is' 🧎🏻‍♂️🧎🏻‍♂️

You

LOL

.

.

.

I scooted from my desk and walked to Hwan's office. "Hwannie!" He looked at me, shocked. "What the hell. Why are you acting cute?" 

I smiled, "Can you do me a big favor? I'll take your Saturday night shift if you take my Friday shift."

He quirked an eyebrow, "A full weekend off? Hmm... why?" I looked to the left and then right.

"What are you hiding?" I laughed, "Chan invited me to a fan meeting!" 

His eyes widened, "He's literally in love with you. Please tell me this is like his version of a date." 

I sighed, "No. This is just Chan asking for support from his physical therapist. There's no way he likes me."

The crowd of people walked to their seats. I didn't realize it, but Chan gave me a VIP pass. I sat in my seat as I watched the eight of them run up to the stage.

They performed so well. I was proud of them, they always worked so hard, and nobody knows just how much.

Being in physical health, I see how much they all decline.

But, I'm always there to pick them back up.

When the Skzoo's came out, I smiled. Wolf Chan looked identical to the shorter man next to him.

I let out a long sigh as I looked at Seungmin attempting to fight the Skzoo's.

Quokka was in the background on all fours throwing it back. I covered my mouth in shock as I laughed. I looked at all the smiling faces.

These boys don't make just me happy. They make everyone happy.

I watched til the very end. There was never a dull moment as they performed. It was fun to watch, but it came to an end as good things always do.

I got a text message from Chan.

.

.

.

Bang Chan

Hey, wait up for me? We should talk! I wanna see you!"

You

I can't... I have an early shift tomorrow. I took it for Hwan

Bang Chan

When's the next time we can see each other. I have a free Sunday night.

You

Yeah, let's do that.

.

.

.

Bang Chan's POV

"Han! I NEED HER IN MY LIFE!"

Han rolled his eyes, "Man, I really don't care. I'm trying to add the baseline to the song. If you don't mind, talk to Changbin."

I fell on Binnie's shoulder. "Please!" Changbin asked bluntly, "Weren't you complaining about how you can't date her because of your career. Why are you doing this to yourself?" 

I sighed, "I know. I think I'll ruin Y/N... but I really want her. She's so sweet."

Changbin nudged Han, "Is she?"

Han nodded, "I've been to the office. She's as sweet as can be."

I mentioned, "When I talked to her, she didn't even curse. She doesn't swear! We were talking on a personal level, too. She's like the perfect angel. Have you seen how poofy her hair gets, too? She's a beautiful woman who always has a smile on her face."

Changbin wiggled his eyebrows, "Oh really."

I rolled my eyes, "Are we teasing me now?"

Han laughed, "Hyung, you have a crush on someone but don't want to date them? That makes no sense." 

Changbin added, "It's the beginning of a situationship." 

I sighed, "I like it the way it is. I don't want to go farther with her because I'll ruin her smile. But, I'm selfish."

Han started humming, and it caught my attention. "Guys, I have a plot for the song."

Han quirked an eyebrow, "Really, we're making songs about your love life now?"

"Ooh, I like it. Ooh, ooh, I like it, like it!" Changbin got serious, "Write that shit down."

It sped to Sunday quickly. I was getting ready for the dinner Chan set up. It was at this new restaurant that everyone was raving about. 

Yunjin -my client- talked about it the last time I saw her.

Hwan wanted to go with me. He's gonna be upset when he finds out I was here with Chan first.

A line was outside, but a guard asked, "Do you have a reservation?" I nodded, "It should be under Channie." He brought me over to the very stressed Hostess upfront. 

I smiled, "You're doing great! I used to Host and wait tables. This looks stressful." I looked at all the people waiting in the lobby.

She smiled, "Your table is ready, ma'am. I appreciate the reassurance." I gave her a thumbs-up as she grabbed the menu for me. 

She said, "I didn't expect it to be so busy on a Sunday night. We have over 200 reservations tonight."

I furrowed my eyebrows, "Wow, that's crazy. Are you the lead Host here?"

She nodded, "I worked here since I was 16, I'm turning 19 this year. So, I know this place, in and out."

I smiled, "Wow, that's dedication. Hoping you got a raise." She smiled as she stopped at the table. Chan was sitting there, both his big hands in his lap.

I smiled, "Oh! We're here! Well, good luck with the door!" She smiled and bowed, "Thank you! Good luck with dinner." She winked and walked away.

I looked at Chan, "You know her? Patient?" I looked at the ghost of her and furrowed my eyebrows. "Why would you think that?" 

Chan laughed, "You were talking like best buds. You're so sweet." I laughed nervously.

I'm too nice. I didn't want to make Chan beg. But I don't want to be here, honestly. It takes up my time, which is good. I love a good distraction. But this is obviously a date of some sort.

"Did Changbin finally visit your office like I've told him to?" I shook my head, "It's okay. I just got a new patient. He's in pretty bad shape."

Chan nodded, "Vernon told me. Cheol and his torn ACL. It's pretty bad, huh? He can't even walk."

I smiled, "Can't say." He closed his mouth, "Right, HIPPA." I laughed, "How's work?" He smiled, "We're about to start the tour, and we're already working on the new album."

I smiled, "Really? That's interesting." I said, "If I distinctly remember, I told you to rest." 

I blinked in annoyance as Chan stopped in his tracks. "I'm relaxing right now... your aura is very relaxing."

I smiled, "That's why I'm a Physical Therapist."

He laughed, "Okay, now. Have you seen Solo Leveling? I've been recommending it to you for a while now."

I laughed, "I've been trying to fit it in, but I've had a hectic week."

Chan smiled as the waiter came over. We ordered our food and went back to the conversation. "But you're going to watch it, right? Do you have Crunchyroll? I can give you my account." I smiled, "As much as I'd love that, I can provide for myself."

My phone started to buzz, and I checked it. "One sec, I'm getting paged."

I got up and walked to the bathroom to answer the call. "Hi, this is Y/N speaking?" 

The deep voice played through the phone, "This is Director Hong. I'm calling because we've considered you for a promotion. It's for the Regional Director in the US clinic." I paused, "What..."

Director Hong said, "I'll give you time to think. Just call us back and let us know. Thank you."

I started to shake. I was on the brink of screaming. I got the dream job! It would give me an excuse to move back to America with my family and make more money.

Hwan is going to be so excited for me. 

I ran back to my seat and confessed right away, "CHAN! I got a promotion!" His smile rose, "Really?! That's great news! What's the position?!" 

I opened my mouth and then closed it again.

If I accept the offer, I won't be able to treat Chan anymore. He'd have to switch to Hwan.

"Regional director for the clinic in the US." My voice suddenly lost excitement. The smile was still bright on my face. 

"Oh? The States. That's where you're originally from, yeah?" I nodded, "I got a job offer there."

Chan nodded along, "Does this job pay more?" I nodded, "Yeah, it does." I could see the struggle in his eyes. Chan told me, "You should take the job offer."

The smile stayed on my face. Unlike Chan, I knew how to poker face my way out of feelings. 

Fake it til you make it, right?

"I'll hold off. At least until I can get my new patient up and running again." Chan asked, "Why?"

I'd like to know myself. I like Chan. He makes me feel seen and horny. Really, really horny. Chan was the gentle type.

I liked how pretty his lips were, how big he was, how smiley he was, those dimples, his kiddishness. I liked everything down to his flaws. 

If he had any.

I didn't want to leave him. It's crazy, and as much as I like to play cat and mouse with Chan. I'm afraid to catch feelings any more intense than 'like'. 

I'm already in pain. I don't want this to ruin our small friendship. Even though he's trying to incorporate me more into his life, I can tell it's because of his interest in me.

I want him to want me back.

Chan's voice broke my inner thoughts, "Earth to Y/N. Woah... you were in your thoughts."

Bang Chan's POV

I allowed her to be in her thoughts. 

The waiter came back with the food. I waited for her to eat first since she was younger. It's a personal tradition I spread to my teammates. She didn't even take notice of it.

She was thinking so deeply to herself, and as the frown on her face sunk deeper, I figured out what she was thinking about.

She doesn't want to leave her job.

"Earth to Y/N. Woah... you were in your thoughts."

She wouldn't want me to see her frown like that. 

But she shocked me, "I'm upset now. We should call it a night."

Honesty. I didn't expect Y/N to be honest about her being upset. 

I thought she was the kind of girl to hide it all away, but she was honest.

"Oh, okay. Yeah, I'll ask for the check and some boxes."

She shook her head, "Wait, no dessert?" I smiled, "That's my girl." Her eyes widened, "Oh."

I quirked an eyebrow and looked at her. She was such a cutie. She was sweet, adorable, and honest. She was starting to check all the boxes.

I waved down the waiter, and we put an order in to-go.

The dinner wasn't silent. Y/N still took the initiative to talk, but she was stale.

Once we made our way out, I offered, "How are you getting home? I know you don't usually drive."

Her bright smile flashed in my eyes. "Uber." I shook my head, "I'll drive."

She furrowed her eyebrows, and her face went into a cute pout, "You already paid for my meal!"

I said, "Y/N, let's be real here. I'm rich."

She sighed, exhausted. "Fine." She lugged behind me and sat in the passenger seat. 

I asked, "Why don't you drive?" 

She was silent as she pulled on her seatbelt. "Son of chicken strip!"

She mumbled under her breath. I leaned over and put her seatbelt on with ease. When I looked up, her eyes were so much bigger up close. She looked so pretty like this. I felt her let out a heavy breath, and I pulled away.

Y/N said, "I-i'm sorry. What did you say?" I again asked, "Why don't you drive?" She sighed, "I don't drive unless I have to. My mom put me in place of picking up my brother, and a car crashed into us. He was in the hospital for a day or two. I feel guilty. I don't trust myself to drive. On top of that, I can't afford a car right now."

I glanced at her. It was terrifying that she could tell that story with an even tone and smile. 

"Wait, where do you live? I've just been driving."

She grabbed my phone and guessed the password on the first try. She put in her address, and I looked up Y/N, shocked. 

"How the hell did you guess my password?" She shrugged, "You're predictable."

I sighed and drove to the destination.

When we arrived at the front of the apartments, she was already grabbing her things. No conversation, no look in my eyes, nothing. 

I called out, "Wait."

I watched her leave the car. Y/N turned around and said, "Thank you for driving me here! I appreciate it." 

I asked in desperation, "When can I see you again?" 

She smiled sweetly, "You're starting your tour next week. You tell me." 

Right, I forgot about that.

I blinked, "I'm free in three weeks."

Her smile didn't fade, "I'm on vacation next month."

I raised an eyebrow, "Really? Where are you going?" 

She was about to speak, but she decided to not answer with the truth. 

"Just to see family."

I didn't want to push, but I really wanted to know. I'm nosy.

I bit my lip and fell back into my seat, "Alright, see you when you get back."

Y/N's POV

I pulled in my luggage as I was welcomed into my childhood home. I've been working hard to make sure this house stays together. 

My Mom walked with careful steps to the couch. "Mom, I told you I could've taken an Uber."

She shook her head, "Nonsense! My baby needs valet!" I laughed as I lifted my heavy bag up to my room. I peeked at Miles's room to see it empty. 

I shouted, "Mom! Where's Miles?!"

She yelled back, "Basketball practice!" 

I nodded. I'm proud that Miles's been disciplined enough to keep up with his passions.

When I walked into my childhood room, memories came rushing back. It was so upsetting to think about everything I used to do.

I had so many passions. But they all were lost after my Dad died. 

The picture of him and I was still on my nightstand, but the photo was cracked and facing down.

I know I didn't do that. 

Miles likes to hide how he's feeling. He secretly cares so much, but he feels awkward showing it. I wouldn't be surprised if Miles barged inside my room. I wouldn't be surprised if he saw that photo and lashed out. I know he misses me and Dad.

Just like he can read me like an open book, I can read him too.

I was quick to take a shower and run back downstairs.

My Mom said, "Okay, I know you came here to help me with your brother, but I have a present for you."

I smiled, "Mom, I came here to aid you."

She smiled, "That's sweet." I sighed calmly. "I heard surprise." 

She excitedly got up, and it hurt to see the scars peeking from under her shirt from the countless surgeries.

My Mom couldn't even walk the same.

I didn't tell Chan the full story of what happened that night.

I was the car that got crashed into, but my Mom crashed into my car because I was backing up too fast. My Mom messed up her back and caused her to have to get countless surgeries.

I said, defeated, "Mom, please. Next time you need something, tell me to get it like you used to."

She laughed as she waddled back over. "Nah. I'll just do it myself, honey. Now look."

I grabbed the locket from her hand. "It's hand-crafted jewelry. It's made from your Dad's ashes. Open it."

I opened the locket. Inside the locket lay two pictures. One was from my 1st birthday, and the other was a picture of me at college graduation. It was my favorite memory of my Dad.

He was more excited about graduating than me. He wouldn't stop saying how proud he was, how happy he was. He was so excited for me.

The tears started streaming down my face, and I held my Mom close. 

"Y/N! Oh my god! I've never seen you cry like this." 

All the emotions I was holding in came out.

She smelled like my Mom, but she still had that faint smell of Dad on her. I let my neck go deeper into the crook of her neck, and I said, "I really miss Dad. I really miss him a lot."

I bit my lip and pulled away. My Mom's eyes looked so big as she wiped my tears.

I smiled, "Thank you, Mom."

She smiled, but the worry in her eyes wasn't missed. 

Just then, the door opened, and I wiped my tears and put on my poker face. 

Miles came in, bouncing his basketball in the house. My Mom yelled, "What did I tell you about bouncing that damn ball in my house?!" 

I held in my laugh as my brother saw me. Miles stopped in his tracks as he scanned me.

He took a quick first step, letting me know he was about to run. But then, he stopped. He walked over to me calmly and dapped me up. "Why were you crying, sis?" 

I looked at his eyes. My eyes widened from the realization. 

Smart kid.

I shook my head, "Don't worry about it."

He glanced at the necklace in the box on the couch. He turned back to me and sighed. "What are you even doing here?" I crossed my arms, "To keep you in check. No going out tonight. Stay your behind in this house until tomorrow morning. We're having brunch together."

He rolled his eyes, " 'Behind.'" He mocked. 

Miles continued, "You have no weight in your words because you don't curse, Y/N."

I rolled my eyes, "Say whatever. I don't curse because of my morale."

My Mom smiled, "Quit bickering and go to sleep. I know you're jetlagged, Y/N."

I made my way to my room. 

I sat in my bed, and there was no way I was sleeping. I just slept 14 hours on the plane.

I lifted the photo of me and my Dad and wiped the dust from the cracked glass.

I heard rustling in the hallways, and I looked at the door. Miles was standing there in sweats and a white tee.

"And where the heck do you think you're going?" Miles blinked at me. "To mind my fucking business."

I grabbed his arm and threw him in my room. I closed the door and locked it. "You aren't going anywhere. And, before you ask. Yes. I will stay up and watch you. I have jetlag. I won't be falling asleep until 3pm tomorrow."

He sighed, "Rebecca Miller is throwing a party tonight... hot chicks will be there!"

I quirked an eyebrow, "And what do you plan on doing with these 'hot chicks?'" "More than anything you've ever experienced." 

I rolled my eyes, "I am not talking about my sex life with my little brother." He said, "I won't talk about mine with you either! Let me go." I laughed, "No. I can officially say... I pay the bills! Therefore, my house, my rules. Go to bed." I tucked him in, and I smelled his cologne.

"Why are you wearing cologne- you know what?... never mind."

I sat on my chair and watched him. 

His eyes traveled to the picture on my nightstand, and he rolled over. It was silent for about thirty minutes before his voice cracked, "I'm sorry for breaking your picture with Dad."

The smile crept on my face as I crossed my arms in satisfaction. "It's fine, Miles. Just go to bed."

He stopped talking for another five minutes before saying, "I really miss Dad." That made me frown as the solemn air crept into my room. "I miss him too, Miles."

Miles fell asleep quickly. He started complaining about how hard it is to sleep when someone is watching him. 

When I woke him up, he moved like a mummy. He walked to his room, and I started getting up myself. I showered and put on some better clothes for the morning. I exited my room to see my Mom in a cute yellow sundress.

"Period, Mom! You look gorgeous!" She smiled and reached for the necklace. "You're wearing it." I smiled back, "I want to keep him close to my heart."

After waking Miles up again and arguing over brunch, we went home. I was exhausted from the day. I went straight to sleep in my mom's bed.

I hadn't woken up until 7 pm. When I finally woke back up, I walked to the kitchen. My mom was looking in the fridge for something to cook. 

I smiled, "I can help you cook. What are you making?"

She sighed, "Just some hot wings with yellow rice. I'm trying to find some greens, though."

I mentioned, "I got it. I know how to cook that. I remember all your recipes."

She looked shocked. "Sit, and you can boss me around like you want to." She sat at the island chairs and watched. I grabbed the hot sauce and bowl. I eyeballed the measurements as she made conversation.

"I think Miles has a girlfriend." I looked up at her through my reading glasses. "Yeah? If he does, he's a cheater. He was trying to sneak out last night and go to a party with 'hot chicks.'" 

She scoffed, "I can't believe my kid." I laughed as I turned on the stove. I measured the water with rice and put it in the pot. Next was the broccoli. I went into the freezer, opened the corner of the bag, and shoved a stick of butter in it. I put it in the microwave for 2 minutes.

"What about you, baby? You have a boyfriend?" I smiled, "There is someone. He's one of my clients, though. He's too famous for me. I'm pretty sure he goes out and talks to real women all the time."

My mom smiled, "What makes you think you're not a real woman?"

My mouth went to a thin line. "I am... I've never had any dating experience, Mom. Like, at all."

She sighed, "Bless your heart."

I furrowed my eyebrows as I slowly put the wings into the oil.

I said, "Mom, should I ask him out?" She smiled, "You know my answer will be yes."

I sighed, "He just makes me feel so important! And he's sweet and gentle. He makes me feel like I'm about to burst!" 

She laughed, "Sounds like me and your Dad."

I looked at her eyes. There was this bittersweet feeling in her tone. "You only live once. That's what Dad used to say." She nodded, "One of my kids is taking those words too literally. I'm glad you're using them right."

I laughed, "Yeah. I think you're right. I'm gonna ask Chan out."

She smiled. The timer for the microwave went off. I opened the bag and let it cool before opening it. I checked on the rice to see it wasn't ready.

I was back on the plane. As soon as the plane landed, I had an appointment to be at. One was Seungcheol's, and the other was Changbin's first appointment.

I was excited to see Hwan, too. As I exited the plane, Hwan was waving his banner at me. "No way. You're embarrassing."

He smiled, "C'mon! Let's go to work!" I got in his car. The drive there was long, but we made it in time.

I smiled as I looked at the foggy sky. 

I miss the clear sky, but I've gotten used to the foggy one I called home.

I looked at Hwan, "So how was it?" I smiled, "My brother cried when I left. I knew he missed me."

He laughed, "I missed you too!" I looked at my best friend, Hwan. I can't believe I've known since I was 19. I'm 24 now and working my dream job.

We got to the office, and Seungcheol sat in the waiting room. "You're really early!" Cheol smiled, "Just wanted to get out of here fast."

I smiled, "Okay, well, today is just showing me what I'm working with."

I wheeled him to my room. "Can I see?" He lifted his pants, and I saw the surgical scabs. "Jesus." He laughed, "I know. It's bad."

I sighed, "Stop being so reckless." He pouted like a puppy. Wow, hey, so he's adorable.

Not as cute as Chan, though.

I moved that thought down.

"I'm gonna start with something that might hurt a lot, but can you move your leg 20 degrees." 

He looked down at his legs. I carefully touched his leg. "Your hands are warm." I laughed, "Yeah?" "Usually, the nurse's hands are always cold."

I smiled, "We're not in the hospital, Cheol. Also, I'm a physical therapist. You get better results with warm hands." I helped him lift his leg a teeny bit. "Talk through the pain, okay?"

Cheol spoke with obvious strain, "Vernon was right to recommend you. You are a good therapist."

I smiled, "Thank you. Could you please lift a little more higher?"

He shook his head, "I think I might die."

I nodded, "That's okay. For now, we'll keep the leg elevated. But it's your job to make sure to switch positions every hour. Your knee needs to get used to bending against the metal."

He said worriedly, "I'll be able to walk and stuff?" I looked up at Cheol, "Yes. However, I wouldn't recommend performing until you can sit on your knees."

His eyebrows furrowed, "Agh. Okay." I laughed at his disappointment, "Be happy you'll walk. Not many people can say they could walk the same after tearing an ACL."

He sighed, "Yeah, I know." He sounded so disappointed. I chucked him a piece of candy, and he caught it. "Ooh, candy!" I sighed, "This is my business card. You call me if you're in ANY pain. Even if it's minor."

He nodded, "Same thing the doctor told me." I laughed, "Doctor Riggins? That piece of poop. He tells all his clients to only call me because he hates answering the phone. Lazy man."

He laughed, "You know him?" I nodded, "I worked at that hospital for a study." He smiled, and I wheeled him to the front desk. "Is someone coming to get you?" He nodded, "My teammate Dino."

I nodded, "I'll wait with you. How'd tear the ACL, though?" He said, "Playing a game with my buds. I fell, bad." I nodded, "Yep, that's how it happens. What kind of meds do they give you?" 

He thought, "I don't know. There's so many 'phols' and z's and x's."

I laughed, "Next time you come, just show me a picture of the pill bottles, okay? I'll see you next week."

I watched as his teammate walked in. Dino bowed with me. "Thank you!" He smiled, "BYE!"

Dino started making car noises as he wheeled him out of the office. I turned to Maya, my front desk. "Men are so silly."

Maya laughed, "Yeah, making a car noise while you wheel out your injured friend is a little too crazy." I looked around, "Where's Hwan?" She smiled, "I know, right? Usually, he slacks off by now. But, he's with a patient."

I nodded. 

I made my way to my office and checked for the next patient. 

Seo Changbin just wanted a check-up.

It's his first time here. Maybe I'll find something wrong.

When Chan described Changbin, I don't know why I expected a petite guy. Yeah, he was short, but he was still way taller than me. Also, HE WAS HUGE!

I wouldn't be surprised if he was having problems with his muscles.

I crossed my arms as I inspected him, "Okay. Let me see those guns."

He flexed proudly, "Wow! That's a lot of effort. Wanna see mine?"

I lifted my shirt sleeve and showed the saddest Spongebob muscle known to man.

Changbin tried not to laugh, but it wasn't working.

"Ms. L/N. You should come with me to the gym."

I smiled, "Y/N is fine. Also, the way Chan talks about your gym visits, I don't think I'd survive."

He laughed, "You're a physical therapist. You should know all the ways to relax your muscles."

I shook my head no. "Medicine has a lot of stuff I don't know about."

He quirked an eyebrow, "You're a bad doctor then."

I laughed, "I'm a physical therapist, not a doctor. Now Changbin, please spread your arms and let me work my magic."

Chan was waiting for Changbin in the office. I smiled at Chan as he walked over to hug me. I hugged him back and said, "I'm back!" Changbin walked out of the lobby and to the car.

Chan said, "We should catch up after work? I'm free tonight."

I smiled, "Nah, I'm good, Chan."

I looked at Maya, "Shh, the people here like to gossip."

He nodded, "Just accept my love for once?" He winked at me, and my smile widened, "Just forget it."

I mouthed, "Text me." I walked to my office and waited in the lunch area for Hwan.

When Hwan finished with his client, he was back in his office. He sighed, and I asked, "Long day?" He looked up at me with those tired eyes. "My schedule is so empty these days. I'm bored!" I laughed and ate an apple slice from his lunch box.

"Hwan, I have to tell you something." He looked up at me with a little glint of fear flashing in his eyes. "What's up?"

I said, "I think I'm gonna ask Chan out." My smile felt easy on my face. 

There was no way this could go wrong!

Hwan dropped his grape from his mouth, "You're kidding."

I shook my head, "Dead butt cheeks!"

I raised my hand over my heart.

Hwna grabbed my hands with excitement, "WHEN?!" 

I smiled, "Today, I think. It might be what I need."

Hwan was searching my eyes for a lie. I breathed, "I'm nervous but also excited?" Hwan didn't lower his eyes, "What gave you the courage?" I smiled, "My mom!"

Hwan let go of my hand and prayed, "Thank you to Y/N's mom for giving her two balls instead of one! I just wanna thank the lawd for the patience he gave me, and the devil for the smut I'm about to hear about!" 

I laughed, "My goodness! You're so dramatic! I've gotta go now. I have a date to get ready for!"

Hwan's mouth dropped again as I sashayed away. I was giggling nonstop. 

My walk home was peaceful. I unlocked my door to an empty house. The stale feeling was something I'd never grown used to. Hopefully, Chan can fill that void. 

I put on my best outfit. This was the repeat outfit to wear. I was sitting in my sink while doing my makeup when I got a call.

"It's Channie! I'm gonna be there to pick you up! Be ready bestie-westie!"

I laughed, "Since when are we bestie-westie's?" His voice was smooth and easy when he spoke, "Since forever."

That felt a little bittersweet. 

It was round two of an awkward dinner. This time, dinner was less inopportune. I was opening up to Chan. 

That was our friendship dynamic. I'd play hard to get, and Chan chased me. He'd always run after me, and I loved it.

"So, you ever take that job offer?" I bit the cheesecake off my fork and swallowed. My eyes lit up as I stared at the cake. "It's good hm? I knew you'd like the cheesecake."

I smiled and continued to answer the question, "No, actually. I ended up telling Director Hong I'd stay here for now."

He nodded, "Ahh, really? I'd expect you to follow your dreams." I smiled, "I am. It's just that Seungcheol is gonna need a couple months of physical training before I can abandon him."

Chan gave me puppy dog eyes, "And what about me?" I laughed, "You too. But you have Jeongin to pester you about your health."

He nodded as he watched me devour my cake. He looked so happy watching me eat.

I took a deep breath as I prepared myself.

My heartbeat was so fast I could hear it. 

I'm gonna tell him.

I kept hyping myself up. I made myself look extra beautiful for Chan today. I don't know how relationship stuff works, but I wanted to try with Chan.

"Chan..." He looked up from my fork in my mouth and into my eyes. "I have something I want to tell you."

Chan nodded for me to continue. There was no judgment in his eyes, just peace.

"You've been my client for so long, you know? You were my first celebrity client, and I was your first physical therapist. We learned together... I'm grateful for that. We got closer as time passed. I'd consider you a close friend... but lately, I've been thinking of you more than a friend."

His stare was intense with fear and sadness. Disappointment bubbled in my chest, and I choked, "I think... I like you more than a friend."

I said it. 

I've been holding onto these feelings for years, knowing I've been more than liking him. It was probably love, but I didn't want to tell him that.

Not yet. 

Chan's silence made me progressively more nervous as I realized he wasn't about to say anything.

My voice cracked, "Speak." It was like I was giving a dog a command. He listened, "I just don't think this could happen. I mean, we're not in the same world, you know? I don't want to burden you..."

At first, there was sadness, but then there was this rage. 

All those times he chased me, and for what? What was it for...? Does he hate me or something?

I stood up, "Okay. That's fine."

Chan reached for my hand and I pulled away, "Don't fucking touch me."

My face frowned as I looked at his shocked eyes. I don't curse often, but I can't control my mouth when I'm upset.

"Y-you're mad." The tears pricked the corner of my eyes. I hissed, "Of course, I'm fucking mad, Chan! You lead me the fuck on, and you think I'm not angry. You're a piece of shit and a bitch ass nigga!"

I ran off. I wondered if Chan would chase me this time, but he didn't. 

I think that broke me more.

Next thing you know, I was on the street calling Hwan. "Plan failed. Can you please pick me up before I get kidnapped?" Hwan let out a long sigh, "Of course I can. I'll look at your location."

Bang Chan's POV

I fucked up. I fucked up biiig time. I've never EVER seen Y/n get upset. I've never seen Y/N's eyes filled with anger like that. I've never heard her curse before, or yell before. She was always so sweet and happy.

Seeing those tears falling down her eyes was like daggers falling on my heart. And when she ran, I didn't know what to do.

Does she want me to chase her? Would I make it worse? 

When I got the courage to run after her, she was nowhere to be found. Plus, I still had to pay for the food.

I waited until the next day to call and text her because I figured she'd want space. But my messages didn't go through. 

Did she block me?

I've never seen Y/N's bad side. I didn't know she was the kind of person to block someone. 

I had to go to practice, and the kids knew I wasn't feeling it. Lee Know wouldn't stop scolding me for my mistakes, but I could only think about how Y/N was doing. 

I had so much bullshit in my schedule that I couldn't check on her until three days later.

But when I went to her office, she was gone. I asked Maya, "Hey Maya. Do you know where Y/N is?"

Maya smiled, "Oh, she didn't tell you? Wow! She got a better job in the States. She moved there like two days ago."

My heart dropped. I felt like throwing up. My head spun as I tried to think about what to do. "Sh-she did, huh? Well... Do you know what clinic?"

Maya smiled, "I couldn't tell you. Ask Hwan. Y/N also requested I give all her old patients to Hwan. Hwan is your new physical therapist for now."

I smiled, "Well, I'd like to talk to Hwan."

She directed me to a room, and Hwan came in after fifteen minutes. His smile dropped a little, "Oh. Hello." My eye twitched, "Where is she?" Hwna shook his head in disappointment, "You know she told me not to tell you."

My jaw tightened, "I fucked up and I want to apologize."

Hwan sighed, "You had her crying at my house for three days straight, and NOW you want to apologize? Chan, let's be real here. You weren't the only one who lost Y/N. So did I. And so did all of her other patients. Your actions drove her away, and YOU didn't apologize when you should've. Now, sit the hell down, and let me do my fucking job, man."

I've never talked to Hwan, but I didn't understand how Y/N could be friends with someone like him.

He has no filter, a filthy mouth, A MAN, and he's rude.

Not too far off from me, though, huh?

Y/N's POV

I think it's been about three months since I moved to this clinic. I only had clients once a week. 

Every other day, I told the others what to do.

I hated it. Sure, it pays exponentially more, but I wanted to help people. I only like to boss my clients around, not my subordinates.

Chan had texted me from his members ' phones, office phones, and Text Now numbers. He wouldn't leave me alone.

It sucked, but I had to change my number. I saved Hwan's contact, but I lost contact with everyone else. I wasn't sure if he'd use others to text me. I also don't know how loyal my clients are.

I barely thought about Chan throughout the day now. I would sit in my dry office for seven hours and travel my family home. I was working on getting an apartment, but my intuition told me to wait.

Not only that, but when I moved here, my mom's back pain got worse, and she ended up in the hospital. If I leave now, my brother will have nobody.

I sighed as I typed on my computer. Going through restocking and reports is not fun! JESUS I NEED A DISTRACTION-

My assistant came in with more paperwork. Her phone was going off with this pretty melody. Something I've never heard before.

"Sorry about the phone, boss. But, here's some more paperwork for you."

I grabbed the folder and asked, "What song is it?" She smiled, "Some K-pop song. You used to do therapy on them. It's a Stray Kids song called 'Twilight.'"

I smiled as that name rang through my ears. Jesus, I haven't heard 'StrayKids' in a long time. 

I wonder how the kids are doing. I didn't want to lose their number like that.

My mouth went into a thin line as I silently thought to myself. My assistant spoke, "Well, that's all for the day. It looks like you'll have an early day." She waved and before she left I said, "You can go home now if you want. You worked hard today!" 

Her body relaxed, "Thank you, boss. I really appreciate it."

She walked out of my office, closing the door behind her. My fingers went straight to my keyboard to google the song.

The video loaded, and the same tune played through my phone. I knew a Han song when I heard one. The lyrics sounded like they were about me and Chan.

My eyes watered as I thought about our past. I missed the times he'd rip me out of my office to go eat, or we'd take detours to hang with the members. 

That time, Chan and I got snowed in at a bowling alley and lived off cheese and crackers for 3 hours. 

I never showed it, but Chan really was important to me. I shouldn't have left like that. I should've given him a chance... but I didn't want to.

A part of me is scared that we end up together, and I fuck it up. 

I'm not good enough for Chan. I'll never be those girls. Pale skin, skinny, dark hair, sharp chin. I was round-faced with a curvy body.

Chan would talk about how much he hated his curls, so why would he like mine?

The sobs escaped my mouth. I covered it to silence myself. I took a deep breath and turned off the song. 

I don't need to listen to this right now.

Bang Chan's POV

I was in Hwan's office for the last time before starting promotions.

I had a long day ahead of me. I would be flying out to America for interviews with the kids. 

I sat in the office for 30 minutes waiting. Y/N was never this late.

I respected how time-efficient she was with me. Always early.

Hwan walked in, "Hello, pretty boy. Ready for the session?"

He walked behind me to feel my neck and shoulder. "You've been sleeping?" I lied to him, "Yeah, all I do is sleep nowadays." I'm used to lying to Hwan. 

I want to leave. The only reason why I still come to this office is because it reminds me so much of Y/N.

Y/N would've caught my lie, and she would've politely told me off. Those soft words, with that soft smile, with a strong hint of disappointment in her voice. 

I loved it when she bossed me around. It was so hot.

Hwan was also a man, so stuff done here that made any two straight men uncomfortable.

I can't deliberately moan in this room. 

I did that because sometimes, Y/N would shake a little. I didn't know what it meant when she did that, but I guessed it was joy.

"Make sure you're using a neck pillow on the plane." I nodded, feeling the strain in my neck. 

Hwan massaged into that spot, "Look up." I looked up, and he chopped me in the neck. The shock of pain shot up my spine. Tears pricked from my eyes before the feeling of relief rushed over me.

"You should be good now. Have a good day." I walked out candyless. 

Y/N would always chuck candy at her patients like they were animals. It was the only not-so-nice thing she'd do. 

I figured she likes to throw stuff. Y/N threw her phone on my couch, her shoes on my floor, and her macaroni noodle at me.

I wish she'd throw her clothes off, though. 

I shook myself out of my thoughts. 

In the past, when I walked out of the PT office, I'd always feel refreshed. Now when I do, I just feel depressed.

I went into my car and saw a text. It was a screenshot from Hwan. An article with Y/N's face on it.

.

.

.

Doc Hwan

Don't tell her I told you where she was just don't fuck up this time. She's been going through a lot and she needs someone.

Bang Chan

I will thank you

.

.

.

Holy shit! I found her! I can go to her, see her, smell her, hold her, hear her perfect soft voice. I wanna kiss her like I never got the chance to.

Y/N's POV

Twilight was on repeat in my office. I think I was trying to desensitize. When listening to the song made me feel this raw emotion. I'd want to cry.

It was an addicting feeling. I'd listen to it non-stop throughout the day. 

I was sitting in my office typing emails to my team leaders. I blinked as my eyes started to feel dry. I put on my glasses. They helped me read, but also blue light.

I was so focused on this work until I heard screaming.

"C'MON! JUST LET ME IN PLEASE?" I jumped from my seat. I recognized that voice. That accent.

Please tell me it's not real. God, please tell me I did some kind of cocaine before entering this office.

"I need to see her!"

I got up to see the security holding onto someone I'd never thought I'd see again.

He did it. He chased me.

I scanned his big body, held by two grown men. His face was in a frown. Chan confessed to my assistant countless times.

I smiled, putting on my mask immediately. "Chan?" He looked up to see my face. His eyes softened. I could see tears starting to well in his eyes.

He's such a big baby.

"I need to talk to you. Please."

I crossed my arms. My eyebrows furrowed with guilt. "You guys can let him go. He's with me."

My security guards dropped him. Chan was running after me quickly as I walked back into my office.

I crossed my arms and sat in my chair. This automatically sets the social standard. "Yes?" 

Chan's eyes lowered as he twiddled with his fingers, "Y/N. You don't know how long I searched for you. You don't know how sorry I feel. It's nothing words can say. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have hurt you like that."

My eyes lingered on his shoulder. It looked so tense. But it was just that shoulder, not the other one. 

That side was the same as where he hurt his neck. I carefully asked, "Have you been taking care of yourself?" 

He scoffed, "That's not really important, is it?" I sighed, "Chan. I'm fine. I really don't need you to apologize anymore about it. I get that you don't like me the same way as I did. The only reason I left was because I couldn't be friends with someone I liked."

Chan said, "Did? Liked? Y/N... I still want you. I always wanted you."

My heart skipped a beat, and I looked up at him. He was being deadly serious. His eyes locked on mine. They were filled with sincerity. 

"Please. Take me back." He stepped closer to my office desk. I scooted out of my chair. His eyes followed me as I walked toward him. He looked ready for anything I was about to throw at him.

He wasn't prepared for the hug I drowned him in. I fully jumped on his body and wrapped myself around his waist. I cried in his neck and said, "I needed you so bad!" His hug got tighter against me.

I confessed, "My mom got sick, and she's in the hospital. My Dad died 6 months ago. All the pressure is on me. My brother has locked himself in his room, and this job can't pay for all the medical bills. I just needed someone to be here with me for once. I always have to take the lead, and I'm tired. I'm so tired, Chan."

His grip only tightened. That was his way of saying he wasn't going anywhere. I pulled away and wiped my tears, "Thank you." 

I stared into his eyes for a moment. There was silence. His stare was so intense. I leaned in and quickly kissed his lips.

"Ah, c'mon. You gotta give me more than that." I looked away, "I never..." I didn't finish the sentence out of embarrassment. 

Chan tilted his head, and an easy smile spread on his face. "It's okay. I'll show you everything. What time do you get off work?"

I smiled, "We can leave right now."

He laughed, "Deal. Let's go."

We were in his hotel room. It was so big and expensive. I didn't know they had hotels like this in New York.

Chan was leading me to the bed carefully. "You can tell me when to stop whenever you want. I will."

I smiled, "Okay." Chan said, "You can drop the act with me. I got you now."

My smile faded as I looked at him with my typical aloofness. Chan carefully caressed my cheek. He put my braid behind my ear and said, "I'm gonna kiss you for real this time, okay?"

I nodded as I stared into his eyes. Chan leaned in and kissed my lips. His lips tasted like candy.

The candy I'd give out to my clients. He must've found them here and started eating them non-stop.

I was right when he pulled away, and I saw the candy wrapper on his bedside table.

He grabbed my cheeks with one hand to turn my head to look at him. "Look at me. Did you like that?" 

I smiled, "Sorry. I got distracted. You taste like candy." He laughed through his nose. "Yeah? You were looking at the candy wrappers?"

I nodded in his grip. 

"Stop distracting yourself, and focus on me." I nodded, and he leaned back in to kiss me. This time, I let myself get absorbed in the moment.

I always detached myself from people, put on a happy mask, and tried my best to distract from my problems. This is a good distraction, but one I want to last for an eternity.

The way his soft lips pressed against my own. His other hand had traveled to my thigh, massaging it gently. I loved the way his tongue swiped on my bottom lip.

My lips parted, and his tongue was in my mouth. Heat pooled in my middle as I felt him grab my thigh harder. He pulled me onto his lap. I felt his hard dick.

I gasped and pulled away. "Chan." His eyes were half-lidded, "I know, baby." I bit my lip. He grabbed both my arms and put them on his shoulders. I tightly wrapped my arms around his neck, knowing what spot to apply pressure to relieve the pain from his neck.

He dove us back, and our kiss reconnected. His hands traveled to my ass, and he squeezed tightly. I moaned. My pussy fluttered in need as I rubbed myself against his hard dick. Chan bit my bottom lip and groaned.

I opened my eyes to see his were open. He observed me. I pulled away from his kiss and said, "I'm really horny."

He couldn't help but laugh at my blunt honesty. He flipped us over, and now he was over me. "I can help. You want me to touch you?" He rubbed my stomach as his way of telling me.

I let out a smooth breath as my eyes closed. "Please." My throbbing cunt was distracting me from any thoughts I could have about candy, work, and anything.

My legs parted for his traveling hands. He rubbed his thumb over my clothed vagina. His other hand held mine. "Don't forget to tell me if you don't like this." 

I nodded as I squeezed my lips to a thin line. I couldn't stop squirming under Chan's touch. He was making me feel so good.

Just then, I felt him unbutton my dress pants. "Are you okay with my body? I'm a little fat-" He kissed the doubt on my lips. "I couldn't care less about what you look like."

I blinked as he pulled my pants down. He hooked his point finger under my panties and pulled it down to my knees. 

The cold air made me realize I was dripping. I took a stuttered breath, and Chan laced his fingers back with mine. "Please, Chan."

He kissed my neck carefully. I twitched, and he sucked. His wet tongue swirled circles against my skin as his fingers seeped into my hole.

I couldn't wrap my legs around him. I think that's why he trapped me in my own underwear. His hand left mine and carefully lifted my shirt. I felt him pull away to focus on unbuttoning my shirt with one hand.

His fingers went on hold for a moment, earning him a tiny whine in protest from me. He looked at me and laughed, "I'll rip this fucking shirt off you. I'm trying to be respectful." 

I reached for my buttons and popped them off. Chan watched with a smile. "That's my girl."

I closed my eyes when his fingers dug into a deep spot I'd never reached. Chan kissed down my chest and stomach as he observed me. 

I moaned when his tongue touched my clit. I bit my lip as my back arched in pleasure. 

His fingers pumped in and out in a scissoring motion as he licked my clit. I cried out as the knot in my stomach tightened. "Please, Chan... fast..er." 

He quickly obliged as his big fingers stretched my hole out. I cried as I fluttered around his fingers. I felt myself starting to ball the sheets in my fist. I was cumming, and Chan hadn't stopped licking.

I grabbed his pretty hair and smooshed him closer as I ground against his face.

I had finally ridden out my orgasm, and I sighed. 

"Y/N. You ready for something bigger."

I opened my eyes to peek at Chan, throwing off his shirt. His abs were so sculpted. I reached for him, but he stepped back. I opened both my eyes to see him rolling off his sweats. Through his boxers, I could see his hard dick.

I let out a deep breath. Chan looked at me, "Disappointed?" I shook my head rapidly, "Nono... I don't know how big it's supposed to be."

Chan crossed his big arms over his chest. "Yeah? You want me to show you?" I nodded, and he pulled his boxers unreservedly off. He stuck his finger in my hole, and a smile crept on his face.

He was already hard, but he was getting stiff. He was staring at me. I closed my legs in instinct, and Chan spread them back open.

"C'mon. You know better." I shuddered. Chan got on top of me and stared at me with intensity. "You tell me when to stop, go, slow down, speed up. You communicate, okay, pretty girl?" I nodded, and he kissed my lips with more affection.

He moved away to angle himself into my hole. He pressed himself inside. My legs started shaking from the pain. He was so much bigger than his fingers.

I whimpered in pain, and he leaned in to kiss my cheeks. "I'm sorry. I know." He gently pushed himself in me until he bottomed out. His dick was pressed against my gummy spot. 

It felt so tight. I felt full. My body relaxed as Chan leaned in for another kiss. I said between kisses, "Go." He carefully thrust into me as he kissed me.

His tongue played with mine as he maintained a slow and steady pace. I moaned in his mouth as he hit my spot over and over.

Chan moved a little faster. The sound of our skin slapping echoed through the room. I let out a girlish scream as he quickened his pace. He leaned back down to kiss me again. He smiled, "It feels that good?"

I nodded as I felt that butterfly feeling in my stomach. I whispered, "Faster!" I moaned louder as his pace hardened. My body bounced to his rhythm, and so did my moans. I cried, "Oh~ I'm gonna~ mm~" 

He kept going. His hard dick hitting into my g-spot, His quick pace thrusting into my tight wet hole. I felt myself release as my back arched, and I came.

Chan's muscle tightened with mine. "Fuck Y/N." He pulled out quickly and came on my stomach. I looked down at the mess he created. Chan said, "You're so good at this."

I blinked and looked up at his fucked up face. "I am?" 

He laughed, "I didn't expect you to be so loud." I asked weakly, "Is that a bad thing?"

"No, baby. Let me clean you up."

We went two more rounds, but then I passed out in his arms. Chan was holding me close as he kissed my head.

His laying position looked uncomfortable. I got on his lap and massaged his tissue. Chan groaned, "That feels good."

I smiled and asked, "Chan. Han wrote Twilight, right?" His eye peeked open, "Y-yeah. Why?" His hand slid to my thigh. I was wearing his T-shirt. 

Chan's eyes softened as he realized. "He said he used me as inspiration. Why?" I tilted my head, "I hurt you that much?" He rubbed small circles on my thigh with a smile, "I hurt you more."

I laughed, "True. But, you love me?" Chan's eyes widened, "Yes. I love you." I smiled, "I love you too." My hands traveled to his boxers, and he grabbed my wrist quickly. "Give me thirty more minutes, baby."

I smiled, "Okay. I'll be patient." 

I cuddled into his chest, but we ended up falling asleep together.

A lot happened. Chan ended up paying for my mom's hospital bills. My mom was out of the hospital sooner than expected. Miles was getting better, too.

I moved back to Korea to continue my job. Chan and I got engaged. Our relationship had ups and downs, but we worked through it like adults.

I didn't run anymore, and Chan didn't have to chase me anymore.